a-i-v-a

[cat-madhouse]

Saw a post going around that said "use this picrew to make you now + you as a kid" and I thought it was fun :)

[lockhartandlych]

Not all intersex people have been mutilated or medically tormented! Your experience sounds intersex to me, an intersex person. I'm saying this not bc you HAVE to use that label, but to let you know you wouldn't be wrong if you did. It helps for people to understand the fullness of what it means to be intersex, and that it isn't always bad or undesired. I had trauma and dysphoria, but not all of us do.

o. oh.

that actually. huh.

i mean, i know that not all intersex people have gone through medical bullshit, but at the same time i didnt know if adopting the label of intersex would be reductive to those who have, or reductive to those who have experienced much harsher discrimination than i have. (despite the hairiness and chin/neck scruff society mostly assigns me as female, which is my agab. so i never really thought of being intersex. just a particularly hairy trans guy whose hair works in his favor.) i guess i knew it but i didnt think that applied to me as well as other people.

man this is a lot of complicated feelings. im realizing i may have buried all the weird issues i had around my hair and acne when i was younger because realizing i was trans made it all... make sense? in a way? it allowed me to explain it by saying that i was "meant" to be a guy. and maybe that's why later on i shifted more towards transmasc nonbinary than just being a trans guy. because i knew i ultimately wasn't "meant" to be anything.

i do think im more trans than intersex, but this has given me a lot to think about. thank you.

[zer0wasabitxh]

ok im gonna tell you a wholesome story

when i first came out to my dad he didnt really know what anything meant so he asked me a lot of questions but he was really just curious and supportive and stuff and it was really sweet

a couple weeks later he tells me that hes been watching videos by trans and nonbinary youtubers about dysphoria and social transition and stuff so he can understand better and he realised how important it was for him to facilitate that for me

so he took me to get my first boy haircut and he took me to shop for clothes in the mens section for the first time and he bought me my first binder and he started referring to me as his son at work

and he bought books??? about being trans??? and like. this dictionary of queer terminology???

and then like. about a year later i think he was telling me about this girl at his work who is one of the cleaners for the building. and he chats to her when she comes into his office to empty the bins and stuff. and she casually mentioned that she was demisexual, fully expecting to have to explain what that meant to this 50 something year old man and my dad goes "oh yeah! i know what means! you dont feel attraction until you get to know someone, right? my son is aroace!"

and they had this super wholesome interaction because of me??? and this girl who i dont even know didnt have to explain her sexuality to someone for once?? which. i know what thats like. no one understands aspec identities especially the older generations

and like. hes been pushing for more inclusivity in the application process at his job too like including sections for legal and preffered names and pronouns on the application forms and like. god i love my dad so much hes fucking awesome

That's actually so adorable.

W dad honestly

[seijatachiis]

just another queer journey for pride month

so i figured since its pride month and its been basically a decade since i started my queer journey id just talk about it. especially bc theres been recent changes too!

my name is al and im nonbinary, they/them! mm well im asexual so i guess im technically panromantic? maybe demiromantic? ngl im still not sure but ill get to that. its also been about a year since i met my bf whos a transman and we often talk a lot about gender and sexuality.

like most people my journey started in high school. i had been reading BL fanfics for bands i liked around the end of elementary school and i think i was aware of transmen and transwomen. i really didnt know more than the basics, lesbian/gay/bi/transman/transwomen. someone i met in hs, an old friend, is the one who opened the door. at first obviously he didnt know me so he just told me to call him a very gender neutral sounding name and they/them. and that was the first time i had heard about someone using they/them pronouns. eventually he came out and said no im a trans so he/him? then he was basically like are YOU actually a woman?

obviously im paraphrasing bc honestly i dont remember much from how it started exactly or the exact conversation but i rememer looking into it a little and the next day i said i dont think im really a woman. i started using they/them pronouns and decided i was demigirl. i was kinda a tomboy when i was younger but it was more i just liked pokemon and the boys always had more interesting things but i liked "girly" things a little bit. i never really felt like i wanted or wished i was a man.

it might be because ive been using they/them for so long now but i got used to them quickly and they just felt so right. i didnt really focus too hard on what i identified as tho i was demigirl until uni. i remember this because i met a person who at the time was also demigirl. hes a transman now, which is great. im not sure but at some point in 2019 i think i realized i was nonbinary. i think it mightve happened when- im not out in real life. fear mostly but also bc i dont really care about other people, as long as those i care about know im nonbinary and use they/them i dotn care too much. anyways i remember being on break at work, my boss came in and was talking to my supervisor, just a "hey whats happening today" and was like "is she ready for her aquafit" and im like listening and im like oh whos doing aquafit.

it was me lol. he was talking about me. was so confused bc i dont usually hear people talking about me so i dont hear myself being referred to as she anymore. anyways its really not much to it. i did briefly try he/him in high school and the first time my friend used it i was like nope thats wrong nope.

i dont...think i really experienced gender dysphoria. or body dysphoria. i have issues with my body and an extreme disconnect to it but thats tied more to the general societal standards of beauty and less about my gender?

gender was never really the problem. my sexuality - more specifically if i was aromantic or not, has been the thing ive been struggling with and ive realized i never . solved it yet.

im p sure im panromantic/pansexual whatever, gender doesnt much matter to me bc ive always been more about if we get along. we gotta vibe yknow? the bf and i, our first date... the vibes were there. well i didnt feel the romantic vibes it was more just we definitely get along. im getting sidetracked and this is already super super long.

that same friend asked me if i was aroace. i didnt know what that meant, he explained it and i was like huh. maybe i am? i dont really recall ever having a crush on anyone or liking anyone. ive definitely not had sexual desire for anyone. but i just figured thats bc i havent liked anyone. so yeah i was aroace. a few years later i would rethink that.

because i forgot how insecure i am. and im thinking...there might have been two guys i had a crush on when i was younger but because i knew they'd never like me like that, i pushed the feelings so far down so maybe . maybe im not aro.

ill be honest, its been way too long now - i still dont know if i had a crush on them. but this is because i dont understand what that means. blah blah parental trauma but i had some stunted emotional growth and so im not great at emotions. i would flip flop between am i aro or have i just not met anyone i like yet? because i do have high walls. i dont let people in easily.

but i would daydream about having a partner. but it was never really about me liking them i just wanted them to like ME. i want people to like me. bc it was never the same person, generally whoever showed me a little extra attention that week but then id easily forget them. and i never. really wanted to date them. bc honestly i only ever pictured love confessions, never what itd be like after.

i met my bf on hinge. i fuck around on dating apps mostly bc im bored and wanna bother people, i rarely meet up with them i just spout some new random facts and im intentionally being weird. so i swiped on him first bc he had some nonsense in his profile i wanted to debate about. he said hey we're kinda hitting it off do you wanna go on a date? i said sure lets go to the thrift shop bc i was looking for a gift for my friend when i went to visit her in europe in a few weeks lol. i was really just using him for a ride to the thrift shop bc i dont own a car.

my god we hit it off and i remember thinking "id love to be friends with him hes so cool and fun to be around". i think it had to be a dating app. i dont think id ever have gotten a partner otherwise, because you kinda go into dating apps with the intention to find romance (unless you're me). he knows this but i didnt actually start to like him romantically till AFTER we started dating. i had to think very hard about it, im not entirely sure if this is what romantic feelings are supposed to feel like - i have to assume they are.

but we're happy and i had to do a lot of thinking to determine if i love him but i can say now for sure i love him. but idk if i can call that timeline long enough to really say im demi-romantic? idk if theres a specific time limit, maybe i am. it definitely took hm since we first met uh two months before i really started to like him romantically which honestly sounds normal to me.

so yeah thats not quite resolved but i dont care to find anyone else. but then. then comes the asexuality part. i originally way back in hs was like yeah im ace. whilst debating my aro problems i kinda always figured once i liked someone id probably be sexually attracted to them too. i get horny, surely that means im not ace.

yeah. i learned thats not the case. since sexuality is about being sexually attracted to a person, you can get Horny but not be sexually attracted to anyone. i put so much research into asexuality. a lot. it caused me more stress than anything i think bc now i had to tell him. that was . very anxiety inducing bc the first time i tried to tell him i nearly got a panic attack. this is knowing he'd be totally fine with it too, that he'd be accepting.

im just. not that interested in sex. i get horny but i dont really do much about it. i read smut bc its fun and bc its easier to deal with angsty fics when theres smth to distract you lol. CANT HURT ME IF THERES DICK TO FOCUS ON!!

i wont rule out that i might be demisexual. i might change my mind, i might not. i know my bf accepts me either way. but yeah thats my queer journey. its mostly me thinking. because i dont really have any experience with anything, im not a social person lol. but i also dont understand emotions and feelings all too well, so thinking only really got me so far. i always learned better by doing.

if you made it this far, thank you for reading! im always open to making new friends so i think my dms are open or whatever it is, but yeah :3

[basilly]

Hello! Ik you've mentioned that you don't write for mcyt's anymore, but I still often come across your fics. And something I've repeatedly seen is you stating "you can just replace them in your head" after stating the pronouns. And it hurts honestly. As a trans person, to see you say that feels like you're trying to undermine mine, and others efforts. I particularly have a problem with when you say it for she/her pronouns, but that's just because I'm ftnb(female to non-binary) and she/her pronouns give me dysphoria. And you can just say "don't read my fics that use she/her pronouns" but you saying "you can just replace them in your head" is kind of saying, "you can read this you're just sensitive." But another thing is, for trans people especially, and cis people(not as much because while cis people can still experience some gender dysphoria it's definitely not as much as trans people), seeing the pronouns you used to go by, or what strangers assume you use, its like a stab to the chest every time, and I understand that for cis people it can be easy to ignore, and easy to change in your head, but that experience is very different for trans people, because we try so hard to change what we are perceived as.

A whole other point is, I use fanfiction as a sort of safe space, and I know many others do as well, and you know, seeing that, the phrase you use, devalues that for me, it's telling me that I am not valid in my own safe space, and idk if I'm alone in this, but idk.

You haven’t done anything wrong, please don't misunderstand. Your work is amazing and I love the fics that I've read. I just wanted to kind of, bring this to your attention? Because you might just be unaware of it? Which is fine! And I don't blame you, I'm certainly don't know the entire workings of minorities I'm not apart of. Anyways lol, this wasn't meant to hold any malice, and I'm definitely not angry, I did get emotional lmao. I cried while writing this hahaha.

Anyways, have a great day/night <3

okay this is the second time its been brought up so i want to address this-

i, under no way had any intentions of making ppl uncomfortable- at the time i wrote my fics, it was common for others to tell me they just replaced it. fanfic and boundaries have definitely evolved a bit in the way its been placed in fics since then so i apologize.

before, i have asked in my posts for gender neutral terms or ways to fix problems that may arise like these- and have received answers that ppl have just replaced them. thus i followed that format but i can see why its an issue now.

i might not have the time to go back and fix then at the moment, but if you continue to see it, please tell me which fics so i can edit them. the purpose of the pronouns at the tol are for you to decide whether to read them or not

i appreciate that you did this kindly and im so sorry i didnt mean to make u cry! this is how u handle situations tho and its all in communication! ive gotten angry cusses before and this is a much nicer change :)

[honexjams]

just was watching an ftm tiktok compilation that featured kalvin garrah and it got me heated, i have a LOT to say about him and his influence but i will condense it to this:

all trans people have an era of discovery and experimentation, for some that includes experimenting with pronouns online to see what theyre comfortable with. the rise in people IDing with they/them or they/she or they/he is infinitely more to do with more trans kids feeling comfortable to experiment than it is with unconcerned cis people wanting clout. (i know some cis people do ID as lgbt for attention, i grew up in a very depressed/depressing and drug-laden small town where its not unheard of for people, especially young people, to go to strange lengths for relief, comfort, and entertainment. this small amount does not tend to go through the worst of the treatment i had as a young, binary trans person in this parish, which alone will garuntee those folks didnt ID this way 'for funzies' very long)

writing off all of these young people as simply wanting attention is harmful to both nonbinary people directly and binary trans people who are young and trying to figure out what theyre comfortable with.

i can say for myself personally, that i am very sensitive so if the trans online sphere was as critical in 2012 as it is today, it probably wouldve thrown a wrench in my personal process of understanding my feelings and realizing the transphobic responses i got from coming out were just that and not the absolute truth. which wouldve in turn left me IDing as non-binary or nothing at all online for a longer time because i wouldve been more concerned with my fear of seeming like i wanted attention online than actually trying to nut up and come out at school or do anything i needed to do irl for my comfort.

i first listed my pronouns on a writing site thats mostly barren last i checked, and what i put was "he/him/they/them" because i was at a place where i was caught between what i felt was true about myself, and having just come out to my mother as an 11-year-old and her not believing me.

demonizing non binary pronouns and identities will 100% effect this generation of trans kids because for those with no support, they will turn to the internet. when both their real life and the online spaces they go to are highly critical and unaccepting of nonbinary identities, any kid less than 100% sure theyre a binary trans person will suffer at the very least an extended period of confusion and denial, and at worst never fully come to grips with who they are.

ive always felt really strongly about this but i feel as i hit the 10 year mark of knowing i was trans (and still being pretty young at 20yo) its a good time to express these feelings a little more formally than i tend to. especially because i fit into the like, Ideal Trans Experience of knowing i was a boy at a young age (i mentioned finding trans people at 11 but i have Very early memories of telling other kids on the playground that 'i was born a boy who looked like a girl so my parents raised me as a girl' which is dummy accurate to a trans experience often shown in media yk).

(this next paragraph is all personal anecdotes which are important to my point but if you dont care feel free to skip over it)

I do very much believe and accept nonbinary people as truth because i can understand how someone can feel like something that isnt understandable to the society they grew up in because that was my experience as an lgbt person in the deep south. I remember hearing my mom at a local parade (a Very Community-Focused thing where i grew up), see two teen girls holding hands walking down the street and saying "theyre a little young for that, huh?" to a friend, I remember asking her what 'gay' meant as a kid bc ofc i heard it at school and just wanted padding for if i ever said it out loud because as i knew it, wasnt a curse word but it was Bad Word (bc i knew from hearing it around school that it was a Bad Word)i wanted to know what it meant, she said "some boys date boys, its not really a Good lifestyle, but sometimes they do it". Ive heard many transmedicalists say 'how can you have dysphoria for nothing?' as in how can someone be agender. I am a binary trans man in a committed relationship with another man and I am frankly bewildered as to how a binary trans person can believe such a thing as 'the only genders that exist are ones i know about, even after discovering my own queerness' because I can perfectly understand the correlation between binary and nonbinary trans people. For me, growing up as a teenager in the south in the 2010s, gays were vaguely accepted but still ostrisized, and in school i had a classmate who i knew is a binary trans man because i still know him now, and I, my insecure, weak, self concious self emailed my teachers about my pronouns and name while he was still being called his birthname in class and my cousin, who sat in front of me next to him (thats how small a fown this is) was the only person who called him his chosen name, which was how i figured he was like me.

I personally dont want bottom surgery even tho i Fully identify as a binary male, I simply came to the understanding that a 'cis penis' is not something I will ever have so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ may aswell get used to the things i can tolerate, unlike my chest and 'feminine' features that T has changed.

Long story short if You are a binary trans person who doesn't get what the whole nonbinary thing is all about, simply try describing your own trans experience as if you were really not a boy or girl. As if you really, through your deepest soul-searching, came up with the fact that you simply dont identify with neither male nor female.

Back to the original point of binary trans people in a self descovery phase, if You are a binary trans person? try to remember the first time you felt really invalidated in a way that truly struck you as like, a direct attack on how you feel (like how those depressing 'relatable posts' do), did you ever feel like if that was something you experienced in a crucial part of your discovery period that it wouldve hurt a lot? maybe even to the point where it surpressed how you felt about yourself? All i want from the trans community is to not let anyone else feel that way. I truly do fear for young trans people and how this exclusive environment stunts them.

[vaulthuntersmybeloved]

It’s gender rant to the void time because it’s 3am and I was dumb and took a shower and my dysphoria won’t let me sleep :)

Like I’ve never felt a connection to the concept of gender it’s just never been something I like believed in and like yeah I know it’s a ‘real thing’ but it’s also a social construct that evolves with time and is entirely subjective so like it’s just not been something I’ve connected with ever. Like from a young age AFAB me was always called “tomboy” because I never participated in traditionally feminine things like most of my friends were male and I spent most of my school time playing football with them and like that was fine because that’s what I wanted to do because intrinsically I knew I didn’t fit in with the other girls even if at that point I didn’t get why.

And then I went to secondary school, was the first openly bi person in my year and actually looked into lgbt communities online and stuff and saw non binary and trans posts and was like “huh that’s interesting” and then procrastinatinated on actually thinking about it just like I had done with my sexuality years prior (good job me u dumbass). And like it’s not like I was forced into gender roles and shit because it really wasn’t that bad like the occasional being forced into wearing a dress and makeup for fancy events and being joked at about grandchildren (which still happens now despite me saying for over 7 years I am never having kids ever not even adopting so like fuck me I guess). But like it was just small moments that made me extremely uncomfortable the rest was just me existing through life in a low state of uncomfortableness which I’d grown so used to I didn’t even realise it was there until the start of lockdown.

And then I begged my mum to cut my hair and got my first taste of gender euphoria and was like “well fuck” and then went on to realise most of my body and self esteem issues were actually gender dysphoria (and social anxiety but mostly gender dysphoria lol). So here we are a year later where I’ve come out to most of my closest friends and am now using they/them pronouns with them (not coming out to my family lmao they’re fine with being bi but being trans as well Oof) so like it’s helped immensely but also I have some major issues especially with internalised misogyny from where I had gender roles forced upon me and now I hold resentment for anything that’s vaguely feminine because like those are the things that made me feel so uncomfortable for such a long time I can’t stop the association of them being bad and like I know I’m doing it but like I’m not a therapist lol I can’t just undo years of it!

And like it’s funny looking back because like 14 year old me was saying shit like “gender is a social construct” so much that it basically became my catchphrase along with my “capitalism is bad” rants and like it’s so funny to me like i knew i was queer but didnt realise how queer 😂 But even now non binary doesn’t truly fit because labels are just ways of trying to categorise things so that we can understand them but it ends up oversimplifying the thing (e.g calling a platypus a mammal) so like yeah I am non binary because I am not part of the gender binary but like I just have no connection to gender at all like when I think about gender it’s in the context of me wanting to be either an elderich monster or a formless conscience and neither of them quantify into a human appearance so like where does that leave me. Non binary is a label I love because it gave me an escape from the gender binary and the freedom to truly express myself as me not what others wanted from me but also it doesn’t fit but that’s okay because it’s not meant to fit it’s meant to guide.

Anyways idk I’m just tired and wishing I could get top surgery despite knowing you’re not getting me within 10 meters of a hospital without my anxiety making me absolutely leg it also knowing I’d have to come out to my family before doing that so that’s another big no but hey I can dream and cry myself to sleep that I hate my body and anything I do is just mitigation not solving the problem

[uh-velkommen]

In my head, I sometimes use they/them pronouns when referring to myself.

I think I've just distanced myself so much from what it means to be a woman in American culture, to the point where I don't want to be seen as such.

For a short while I thought I might have been Transgender and I would say things like, I feel like I should've been a boy. It was never meant as, I was born in the wrong body or I've been given the wrong sets, though. It was more in line with the definition of being a boy in contrast with being a girl. I saw how my brother got more freedom and was treated differently by family and friends and I wanted that.

I used to go through his clothes and try them on without him knowing because I thought presentation equated treatment. My whole perception of Gender got so messed up when I started questioning my sexuality. I thought, it'd make more sense, me liking girls, if I've actually been a boy this whole time. Because I'd rather be a straight dude than a lesbian. It never crossed my mind that I could have just been a butch lesbian because the idea of butch lesbians being predatory was so fresh in my mind that I had become scared of them. Then when I thought I might have been bi, i figured maybe I was just a gay man because at that point I had accepted that I was gay but I refused to be stereotyped as a man-leaning bisexual woman. I didn't want to have to come out as Bisexual only to have my mother tell me I was lying because I liked guys. In that case it was easier to go all the way and just be Trans and Gay.

Finally I had accepted that I just wasn't a dude. But I still fought the idea of femininity and womanhood. I started refering to myself as a d*ke, full malice intended. I figured I was a gross masculine lesbian and there was nothing I could do about it.

This was when I was 12, 13, and 14. It took a lot of soul searching and queer history research before I became comfortable with the idea of Bisexuality. That along with constantly beating myself up over the demonization of Masculine lesbians of which I had become way too comfortable with.

But whilst all of that was happening, Pansexuality started to surface. I started identifying with that term because it took out the gender factor that I continued to struggle with. I figured I didn't like a specific gender, I liked whoever I liked. But that word didn't help with my own gender related issues. I still thought about being seen as the woman if I dated a cis man, and being seen as a d*ke if I dated a cis woman. Until I found the word Queer. Now, Queer could be applied to Gender and Sexuality which at the time was great because I couldn't bring myself to identify with any sexual orientation that implied some set gender identity.

I stuck with that because if anybody asked me, I could say that I was queer and feel as though I was announcing that I was also Gender Queer. That was important to me because I'm still female presenting. It's been hard to find clothes that I feel comfortable in. I have always felt pretty androgynous but I could never figure out how to look it. So I felt that if I had told people I was nonbinary (even though I don't like that term because even that puts me in a box) but I didn't look the part, I'd be lying.

Lying because I didnt think of gender, or the lack thereof, as something that I just had. I never thought of or talked about gender the way that Trans people had in the many testimonials I'd watched and read. Transgender people always described gender as an internal feeling. I defined gender by the way society imposed it upon me. Perhaps if I grew up in a world that didn't force me to behave a certain way because of my genitalia, I'd be comfortable in my femininity.

I told myself that I'm not really any gender because I don't want people treating me as a stereotypical male or female. Even though I still present female on the outside and I may follow some societal rules set for women because I've been conditioned to, inside I don't like being a woman but I always wont identify as a man. My uncle sometimes jokes by switching everyones pronouns and I'd get so bothered when he calls me a boy. Because after all that I've been through it feels like he's mocking me. It just makes me uncomfortable. But I cant bring myself to impose my issues on others. Its too complicated to get into with my simpleminded mother.

So my gender identity will stay personal to myself. I've been wanting to try using she/they pronouns but you know when you tell people that, they usually go with what they see and that's not going to help with the dysphoria. Knowing that everyone still sees me as a woman so they're going to treat me as such...

[punchholesinthesky]

I didn't know you could just be a boy

I was listening to a podcast today, about a girl who stood up to her parents at the tender age of four and told them that she was a girl and that she'd chosen a name. I'm in awe of this little girl being so damn sure of herself. I got super emotional listening to it and it got me thinking about my own childhood. It was NPR’s radio ambulante, the episode called “yo nena”.

I knew I was different from a young age but I didnt know how.

I just felt it. And probably cause I visited a lot of doctors and i guess most kids don't do that?

I learned that my brain was different but not the details. I had some vague notion of being adhd. I would not learn it until much later by googling different developmental disorders and learning about being neurodivergent and autistic.

I would later on go on to learn I was queer too, and though I had read the word genderqueer once and thought it fit, I hadn't given it much thought.

I was assigned female at birth, and though I have never liked it, I thought I was stuck with it, that I just had to make the best of it.

I remember wishing to be a boy so many times. Identifiying with male characters, creating ocs and alter-egos, acting the male parts (it was an all-girls school, someone had to), and begging mum to let me cut my hair short, and being so happy when people thought I was a boy.

I never liked traditionally female things, never had a barbie, hated dresses (there's still a photo of a tiny grumpy me being forced into a dress one of my grandmas gave me) and my school uniform was trousers 99% of the time. The other 1% was like official acts, maybe the first and last day of school, stuff like that. I hated it, but at an all-girls catholic school I had much biggers issues that complaining about wearing a skirt a few days out of the year. I remember the gym uniform being a problem. Not sure what the problem was. Something about tights maybe?

I never felt like a girl. But it wasn't something I could properly explain so when I tried to talk about it, with my parents or friends what they usually got out of it was the usual self-steem issues of any girl. Mum tried to help by helping me choose new clothes, telling me how good I looked. And trying to get me to be more feminine, teaching me about 'girly stuff',

But that wasn't it. I understand it better now .

See, it's not that I have self-steem issues about my appearance. I know I'm conventionally good

looking. And if I gave 1/10 of a fuck I can be a very hot girl. I have photos of pasts attempts to prove it. But it never felt right. It never felt like me.

I can put on a bikini and I'm young, thin, fit, I'll look good. But that doesn't mean I'll like what I see in the mirror. I don't feel uncomfortable because I think the person in the mirror looks bad but because I don't know who that is.

I feel exposed. Vulnerable. Bikinis are uncomfortable by design, meant to exploit feminine bodies and for someone who's already uncomfortable having one? A bloody nightmare.

And there's a lot of understand. Why the hell am I being punished for the crime of having a female body by being constantly uncomfortable ? Why are clothes so terrible? Why is so hard to find something basic and decent? Why are bras the worst?? On and on and on. questions I never got the answer to. So much confusion about girl stuff that every other girl i knew seemed capable of navigating.

For a long time I blamed it on me being weird (ie, neurodivergent)

Like, all my friends started caring about boys, parties, romance, alcohol and drugs.

I'd always struggle in school and one year I got literally left behind.

I struggled with depression. I tried hard to fit in and be like them. I tried to be normal, followed their strange rituals. I let my hair grow out, i went on dates with boys, I drank too much and made out with strangers. I got into trouble. I wore a dress to my graduation and invited a boy I'd been talking to.

It was one of the few times I wore a dress voluntarily. Another one was a christmas dinner. And a new year's party. I also wore a skirt to dress up as kate bishop. That's about all I recall. I did buy a dress to cosplay clara oswald but never did it.

I wonder, what if I had told my parents I was a boy and I wanted to be treated like one before? How would they have reacted ?

Laughed it off probably. As they did when I pretended to be a boy for a game as I often did.

I can't imagine them taking it seriously, even now.

I don't know when I found out trans people existed, or who was the first one I heard about.

But I do know I thought it meant you like hated your body or yourself and wanted to be totally different.

And that didnt fit me. I had never hated myself. I hated how the world treated me. I hated arbitrary rules based on gender.

My scout group was mixed-gender, but we were divided in troops and these were single-gender and divided by age.

But we all learned the same things. Whether it was building a fire, tracking, or cooking, we got the same lessons. Sometimes we competed and we slept/bathed separately.

In TECHO it was all mixed-gender. Well, except bathing, but often we'd shared the same bathroom. We slept, cooked, and worked together.

And nobody ever looked down on girls as 'the weaker sex'

That was cool.

My actual education was the opposite. Academically, it is better for a school to be all-girls, at least for girls. But socially, not so much.

As a teenager, I hadn't quite forgotten how much I wanted to be a boy as a kid, but idk I thought I had left it behind me. That what I craved was freedom, independence, the benefits of being a boy, not actually being one.

Later I would discover terms like 'internalized misogyny' and think that was the problem. Cause I liked Lucy and Arya, not Susan and Sansa.

Yet here I stand, years later. Having done a lot  of work. Recognising the value of Susan and Sansa. Appreciating Peggy Carter, in a gay and feminist way, and still not wanting to be a girl.

It just doesn't fit me. It's not a rejection.

I'm a feminist. I think women are great.

I understand there are many ways to be one.

That I don't have to be feminine to be one.

And yet, it just doesn't feel right.

After I learned of what 'gender dysphoria' was I though, 'oh I can't be trans I don't have that'

And then, I learned about 'gender euphoria'

And that finally opened my eyes

Trying to be a girl always felt like an ill-fitting costume, no matter how hard I tried. Like I was playing a part and didn't know my lines.

I remember cutting my hair short, like kstew, and going WOW upon seeing my reflection.. I looked more like myself than I had in ages.

I bought different clothes. Boy's clothes. I'm too small for men's clothes but I can fit just fine in clothes meant for 12 years old boys.

I cut my hair, put on new clothes, bought tight sport bras, and when I looked in the mirror, I wasn't sure who the person staring back was but I really liked how he looked.

My parents, for ages, tried to get me to 'dress nicer' to 'act like a lady' and so on. I cared enough to shower and put on clean clothes. I bought a lot of nerdy shirts which I at least liked. Did some experiments. Occasionally I'd make an effort but otherwise I was pretty basic. Loose-fitting jeans and hoodies.

Family kept gifting me nicer girly things I'd wear once and often ignored later.

It wasn't till I gave myself permission to truly dress how I wanted, and yes to shop in the boy's/men's section that I started to actually care about how I looked and putting more effort in.

I never thought I could be a boy, because I didn't know that was a thing you could do.

if I had been like that little girl and said 'i'm a boy' I think they'd havebeen at a total loss.

would they have asked my shrink? What would he have said?? It felt as though they were always on my case to be more lady-like but I know that's unfair. They were generally pretty okay with me being a tomboy, at least until puberty. And even then it was never that huge a thing. More of a constant annoying issue. There were many more pressing ones.

It's 2019, and I bet most parents would still be at a loss. There's not exactly a lot of rep or info.

I'm a lot happier with how I look now, but I still haven't found the right words to explain myself to my parents. I know I have to eventually, I want to stop hiding, to be visible, to change my name.

[monzterzack]

I am loving the flood of information on Noah. Keep it coming! Tell us about Hudson!

AWWW HELL YEAAAAAH!!!! LET ME GET THE PICS AND ILL START!!!

OK HERE WE GO!!!

1. Personality

Hudson's personality is very soft and kind, he haves a cheerful attitude and very playful tone

He is a goofy person, he likes making others laugh or just joke around, in part cause he genualy likes doing so, but also because he haves social anxiety, and silence to him means "they are angry, probably at me, they are angry at me! AAAAAAAAAHHHH"

He hates conflict, because he usually takes the blame of it, so he feels is his personal responsibility to stop all conflict from happening, which also interferes with bad people getting their comupance

He also lets others walk all over him, in the case of ethan and noah, he lets them go over him without complaining, on noahs case he lets noah hit him and punch him as much as he likes, and on ethans part he never disagrees against hos tactics or plans

To some extent he knows most people think he is dumb and a coward, but he doesnt really do anything because he wants everyone to like him, so far as to even want bad people to like him

He comes from an orphanage, he doesnt even know if his parents are dead or alive, he was severely discriminated in said orphanage, so he kinda learned to just do what he was told without complaining

He has never made friends, he grew up very lonely and most people got fed up with his needyness and how affective he was

He is used to bottle his anger and sadness inside as to not bother others, so they will like him and be his friends, but most people interpret hudson as been "fake" or an "hypocrite" and he ends up alienated way more

He is a piromaniac, he loves setting stuff on fire, but he developed a safe way to do this, he goes up to a place that is empty and he used to made huge bonfires where he threw things he stole around the orphanage to set on fire

He loves seeing how different things burn and he gets a warm feeling and calm from doing so, when he does this he usually changes his whole demeanor and he emits a dark aura, mainly cause this is how he deals with all his bottled and pent up negative emotions

He is very polite and doesnt like swearing a lot, he was raised catholic but he is now a raging atheist cause the nuns on the orphanage hurt him a lot so he grew a grudge against catholicism

Still he remains polite

He is a huge weebo, he loves shonen anime the most, his favorite anime growing up was dragon ball z and he took a lot of his personality from goku, right to the point of acting like he was dumb in order for others to like him more

His fanboish nature makes him easily excited about movies or shows, to the point of buying a lot of merch and dressing up for movies he gets excited about!

Unfortunately.... he likes wearing clothes made for fuckbois, he wears a lot of tshirts that say hentai or have edgy prints, in part to reafirm he is a man, and in part cause he likes those unapologetically

He is a trans man, but he is very chill about it, he was blessed with height and a more muscular build, so he doesnt really feel dysphoria, he feels gender euphoria and likes showing off, he knows he is sexy and isnt afraid of showing so, he really REALLY likes showing off how handsome he is

He unfortunately dislikes animals, in the orphanage animals meant disease and the nuns wouldnt allow any of them to have pets, so he never really grew up empathy for them, he haves a basic understanding, but he personally doesnt like animals and in return, animals do not like him either, he is more of a plant person

Hudson is also very pushy and doesnt like when people get angry at him, and he pushes and pushes asking for forgiveness, even when people already forgave him, this is out of his own anxiety making situations feel bigger than they are, which often ends with people getting more angry at him

Ethan was his first friend! And its still his best friend to this day, they met on the city, when hudson arrived, because he didnt had anywhere to sleep, and he entered to buy a water bottle on ethan's liquor store, both talked for a bit and ethan offered to let him stay with him

They have been best friends ever since!

Ethan is aware of hudson's issues with saying no, with putting boundaries and his social anxiety, so he works as the leader and often helps hudson out by defending him or explaining others that he haves anxiety

Ethan doesnt let anyone go over hudson, but most of the time hudson is the one telling ethan to stop and enabling the people that hurt him to still do so

All in all!!! A very good guy!!! Just very anxious!!! He is the

[mueritos]

Okay, might be personal but at what time did you know know? As in "I am actuall a man" instead of "Dysphoric Disaster and still questioning everything". ~A questioning wreck

Well, thats the thing. I didnt kno. I had to take so many stepping stones to be at a place where I was finally comfortable and it took years of trying pronouns and identities and gender expressions. I was once a butch lesbian, then an pansexual agender nb, to a now aromantic gay trans man. When i decided to switch from they/them to he/him and to use the name Matteo, i wasnt sure if I was a man. I just jumped right into and when it all fell into place, thats just sorta how I knew. I didnt know how I would react to being called a male, but I found the idea so viscerally relieving and when it did happen, I realized thats what I had been missing all along. Now working through the dysphoria was a challenge of course and I would say that personally it didnt do much in defining myself other than making me hate things about myself that I couldnt change. There was also the whole “am i a boy or do i not like societys definition and resitriction of women” and I found that out through lots of introspection. Its not easy, but its also up to the person to decide for themselves. And even then, i had no idea what it meant to be a man, and instead I was just doing my own thing wearing mens clothings and pronouns and name. I jus knew that it allowed me to feel more honest with myself.

Hope that helps.

[kayl096]

So I've come to some realizations. And also still am confused about a lot. But anyways I'm going to share here because i dont really have anywhere else to.

I identify as androgyne. A lot of people have known me to be a transman so let me explain a bit. I'll try to keep organized but no promises.

I did really believe that i was a transman. It seemed to be the most fitting by definition and experience to describe what i feel and was actually something i could better explain to people.

Realistically though I've always felt this confusion within me of neutrality but also leaning way more masculine. I was often conflicted when seeing myself in the mirror, getting ready, introducing myself, presenting myself online or irl. I held a confusion for a long time of "Am i a very masculine girl or a feminine guy?" And for years drew a blank. It was pretty much with me my entire life as soon as i had any sense of self and a realization that i was different than the kids in school. People on the regular were coming over to me and asking if i was a boy or girl and i never really knew what to say.

The older i got the harder it got. It really got me one day when getting ready for school and realizing i was trying to look handsome not pretty. I was about 13 maybe.

I began openly identifying as queer/androgynous. It was the most comfortable i had ever been with myself. That lasted for a couple years.

Ever sense puberty started giving me a chest, i had wanted it to go away so badly. I was practicing "binding" in so many ways before i even knew what that meant. And this discomfort persisted even when at my most comfortable time of self expression.

At around age 15/16 i learned about transmen. I learned what it meant to transition, i learned about top surgery, i read and listened to stories i could relate to. I thought oh my gosh this is it! This is why i am the way i am! I came out as a transman.

At 18 i was able to start hormones and at 20 had top surgery.

I enjoyed certain changes from T and didnt like some as much that became more apparent as time went on. After a while i began questioning myself because i realized i didnt actually want to be an actual man. The choices i made for myself did alleviate dysphoria but there was a stopping point. I didnt want to go any further.

I found myself back in that neutral place. If i am not trans why would doing this help? If i was cis i wouldnt be so thankful for what transitioning did do to help me.

I came to the conclusion i am just very androgynous more masculine leaning. I did have dysphoria and i did what was necessary to help it. I transitioned to an androgynous body because that's who i am. But also realistically apart from my chest i never really hated my body and probably could've done without T except i was glad to not have such a squeaky voice and also look fit bc of body fat redistribution and the abiltiy to gain muscle easier.

Im trying to accept that and trying to figure out which pronouns to use but they all feel weird at this point.

And of course ive also been told i cant experience dysphoria without being binary trans. And i thought that too because it makes a lot more sense and would be a lot easier for me to be. But im just, not. I know what i feel and it's a feeling I've had for as long as i remember.

I havent told many people in my life because well, it's hard to explain and its not like a whole lot is gonna change so unless i decide strictly on 1 set of pronouns, i dont think I'll mention it to my fam. Im still me, i still wear mens clothing as always, and they went through a lot w me over all this already.

Right now i try to take every pronoun used by strangers as neutral. Theyre just words. And on a daily at work i get mixed pronouns so maybe hearing people say different things will help me figure out what's most comfortable.

[boojersey]

VIC DO ALL THE ASKS BC I LOVE U AND WANT U TO HAVE FUN

*SWEATS* AYE AYE CAPN

cw for like some common lgbt+ topics such as dysphoria violence discrimination etc just. tread carefully if u get triggered easily by bad lgbt experiences

What do you identify as and what are your pronouns? -im a gay trans man and my pronouns are he/him but they/them is also acceptable!

How did you discover your sexuality, tell your story?-oh wow i originally thought i was a lesbian because i didnt even know what transgender was i just thought wishing i was a man meant i was butch and then i met my friend donnie in eighth grade who told me he was trans and it was kinda a huge slap in the face but with a sack of gay bricks? and i found out i dont like women through actually having sex with cis women and finally realizing it. really wasnt for me so now im just a gay man as opposed to queer as an umbrella term but i periodically refer to myself as such

Have you experienced being misgendered? What happened and how did you overcome it?-oh yea i literally was misgendered today i just kinda brush it off but it can be hard sometimes especially when people know im trans and do it

Who was the first person you told, how did they react?-i first told donnie about my gender, it was a thing where i went to bed the night i met him and was like  .. wait holy fuck and then the next day i was like BRO HOLY FUCK but sexuality? i dont really know???? it was so long ago it was honestly probably my group of friends on kik that i had in 2013 (u were included in that mister!!!!)

Describe what it was like coming out, what did you feel?-im not actually fully out but the first time someone who was an adult knew about my trans-ness was what really set in for me the fact that i could come out one day; my friends mom referred to me as seance (and like. obviously she respected my gender she has a trans kid) but it was just super jarring bc no adult had known yet abt my identity in any way and as a result i was rlly glad it was nighttime in that car bc i cried almost immediately; the first time i came out on my Own was to my cousin and he laughed in my face so that was pretty damn awful and its kinda funny cuz the bastard is bi so u would think hed have been accepting but n0pe!

If you’re out, how did your parents/guardians/friends react?-im out to my friends now ! and the reception was generally positive bc i think i do an ok job at picking ppl to be around in terms of morals so there was little bad reception

What is one question you hate people asking about your sexuality?-i hate when ppl ask if im gay as in for men or gay as in for women because im trans, i am a man so when i say im gay i feel like that should be easy enough to put 2 and 2 together but when they ask that i feel as if they still view me as a woman

Describe the style of clothing that you most often wear.-emo of the gods themselves it is absolute scene and emo vomit and i love it; its seriously hard for me to wear dresses and skirts without dysphoria and just general discomfort but i own a couple anyway bc theyre cute i just. never wear them

Who are your favourite lgbt+ ships?-my main thing at the moment is gerard/frank/grant morrison bc i love poly fics very dearly and gerard/bert because bert mccracken deserved better than gerawrds internalized homophobia lol

What does makeup mean to you? Do you wear any?-makeup to me is an androgynous thing so i wear eyeshadow a lot and lipstick sometimes, eyeshadow is easier on my eyes than eyeliner bc im allergic to a lot of makeup thats on the heavier side so if i put on eyeliner my eyes will water and burn throughout the day but with eyeshadow im mostly ok; other opinion is that makeup on Anyone can be sexy as hell if they do it for fun and wear literally what they truly want and not just what they think is accepted or what they Should wear

Do you experience dysphoria? If so, how does that affect you?-oh yeah my dysphoria is pretty debilitating if im gonna be honest; i used to have very little problems with it because my hold on reality was loose at best (before i was medicated to clarify) but now that i am almost completely Here my dysphoria is pretty bad and even just like. the knowledge that i have breasts is pretty awful; a few weeks ago i put on an outfit that i have to wear a victorias secret bra to fit properly in and just one look in the mirror had me sobbing and i had to change my clothes before i could leave the house and i havent worn a bra since because just the thought of showing off my chest makes this stark fuckin dread shoot through my veins but i also have dysphoria in regards to my voice that i discussed at my last trans therapy group meeting actually ; my voice has a tendency to bounce around my octave range so sometimes ill be like. excited then hear what i sound like. and ruin it for myself immediately u kno? im not even gonna talk about my dicksphoria bc thats just. awful. 

What is the stupidest thing you’ve heard said about the lgbt+ community?-ohhhhhhhh my god u know what? ive heard..so much .. that im gonna instead take this opportunity to mention my mother genuinely thinks dnd is satanic

What’s your favourite thing about the lgbt+ community?-the fact that were so strong. we are so fucking strong we deal with violence and opposition constantly and at staggering rates yet we stay strong and we continue loving through all of it, whether its in dark corners in secret or loudly in the streets we continue loving and do so with all of our beings because we know its our own truth and well gladly go to hell if it means we got to love on earth (not that everyone believes in hell or the idea that us gays go to hell but my point stands)

What’s your least favourite thing about the lgbt+ community?-we have this audacity to create divide (to the fault of mostly cis white gay men thank u very much) when what we need to do is love each other because we are different but at the end of the day we all need to remain in tandem and as a family or we will never get to where we need to in terms of acceptance and that means being uplifting and protecting our trans sisters of color, our disabled lgbt members, our autistic lgbt members, our anything past cis white gay man because we all need recognition, we all need love, and to exclude any letters of lgbt is to tear ourselves down and set ourselves on fire

Have you ever been to your cities pride event? Why or why not?-no :((( no one would drive me in the past and i dont think ill have a way to get there this year either

Who is your favourite lgbt+ Icon/Advocate/Celebrity?-brian molko! my bisexual, androgynistically-inclined father who birthed me at the tender age of 16 when i found placebo

Have you been in a relationship and how did you meet?-ya theres been a few and i dont rlly like to talk abt my relationships with anyone unless theyre online relationships so im just gonna leave it at that

What is your favourite lgbt+ book?-pantomime by laura lam! its one of if not my favorite book to this day

Have you ever faced discrimination? What happened?-y a every damn day bitch ! example is when i was deadnamed by my psychiatrist while she knows full well what my name is the other day; another is the countless times i get called a lesbian ???? and when strict lesbians ask me out i get a very bad taste in my mouth (i understand full well that sexuality is fluid, these are lesbians that spit the ‘penis is gross blegh’ rhetoric)

Your Favorite lgbt+ movie or show?-uh im just gonna say preacher bc its my favorite show altogether n cass is bi/pan/something similar

Who are some of your favourite lgbt+ bloggers?-@ble3dmagic is my boyfriend in crime (not rlly thats a joke) and @musicalsense​ is my sunburnt Brother

Which lgbt+ slur do you want to reclaim?-queer! i also use f*ggot a lot when talking about myself and my friends that are ok with it

Have you ever gone to a gay bar, or a drag show, how was it?-i went to a drag show and it was so amazing and one of the first times i felt accepted in my own community that i cried

How do you self-identify your gender, and what does that mean to you?-well i identify as a man with no leaning towards womanhood or nonbinaryhood in any way, its just . man . but in terms of Expression i am quite androgynous bc i can rlly appreciate femininity (NOT the same as womanhood) and being a man to me means just that ive always wanted to grow up with that “gender role” like i always wish i was raised as a stereotypical parent would raise a son and ive always been more interested in stereotypically masculine things and people since i can even remember and i feel like puberty was just this unpreventable spiral into something i didnt want. i didnt want it at all . this is tmi but when i got my first period i cried my eyes out bc the idea of being called a Woman repulsed me so much and since i didnt even know that being trans was a concept i was just this scared puppy full of confusion and fear aimed at myself because all the stuff i heard i was supposed to be proud of the change but i wasnt i was so ashamed of it and the idea of being called a woman made me sick to my stomach and i just wish i could go back in time and hold myself and tell me itll be alright 

Are you interested in having children? Why or why not?-absoLutely not i hate kids (and by that i mean i hate being around them and the culture that surrounds having children; i do not treat kids like shit and i do not act like hating children is a personality trait; i get migraines and usually the second a child starts screaming or crying i am on the floor of my brain writhing in dire pain and i have absolutely no desire to support another human life when frankly i cant even support myself; its also just not a lifestyle i want to live)

What identity advice would you give your younger self?-god so fucking much. so fucking much. so many things i wish i could say to myself

What do you think of gender roles in relationships?-i think if someone wants to adhere to them then hell yea go ahead just dont expect others to do it or try to tell other people its a Norm or something; theyre for the most part christian in nature so i dont have any desire to follow them myself, i want a relationship (if any) thats more of a coexistence if that makes sense, like. roommates plus dick

Anything else you want to share about your experience with gender?-i always used to anxiously chew on the idea that my chest dysphoria is just me holding disdain for the shape and size of my breasts but let me tell you. the second i put on my binder for the first time i immediately started crying because i was so overwhelmed by the fact that i was looking at something one step closer to myself and i know full well i am never going to have that doubt again. this week has been exponentially cathartic and therapeutic for me

What is something you wish people know about being lgbt+?-i want the cisheteros to know that nothing they learn about us is new. everything about us has been around for so so long but has been silenced and erased to the point where a lot of us dont even know many things about our rich and beautiful history

Why are proud to be lgbt+?-honestly? its hard for me to not just straight up say im not proud of my identity. its taken me years to stamp down the plain grieving toward my identity and wishing i could have the easier path but frankly? the fact that i am choosing this path of hardship and hell on earth just to be who i truly am i think speaks volumes of my pride in my identity at this point; further back in my archive by a few years my posts are littered with sentiments of bitterness wherein i stated that i hate being trans and not just cis but i like to think ive finished hating myself for my identity. i like to think im proud now. to ask me why is to ask too much of me, all i know now is that i am proud and thats enough for me right now.

[mothmansboyfriend]

Hey Long Post Coming Up

Hello I’d just like to say that every fucking day I’m grateful that I somehow managed to not interact with any truscum/transmeds (or anti-mogai) or even see their shitty posts from ages 14 to 16 because those were my crucial years in figuring out my gender identity.

I began questioning my gender in 7th grade, but I ignored it and instead thought I was just a lesbian. I didn’t tell anyone. I didn’t do the cutesy send-a-note-to-your-crush-and-“date” thing middle schoolers do. I felt like the way I was was lying to boys, so I assumed that meant I didn’t like them.

One amazing thing that happened that year was my first major hair cut. My mom had always made me keep my hair down to my waist, and the summer before 8th grade my mom finally let me get it cut to my chest. I was elated to have shorter hair! It wasn’t as short as I wanted it, but it was something.

In 8th grade I went back to calling myself straight in my head. I stopped liking the word lesbian to describe myself. I didn’t know why, I didn’t tell anyone. I switched schools 2 months into that year, and met one of my best friends on this Earth. The term pansexual was introduced to me. I was ecstatic, although I didn’t really start using the word to describe myself until a few months later. A word that meant you liked someone no matter what their gender was. I loved everything about it.

That year I started asking my friends to call me Jinx. It started as a nickname, and turned into the name they used to introduce me to their parents. I’d always hated my birth name, ever since I was 6 or 7. I hated classes where roll was called, because I’d have to hear other people say it. I was pan, my name was Jinx, I was a girl, and I still wasn’t happy.

In 9th grade, I wore dresses and skirts more than I ever had before. I was allowed to wear makeup, something I’d been expressly told I was too young for the year before. I dated my best friend, came out to my parents as pan when they saw us holding hands on Halloween. We broke up after 6 months bc we didn’t really have any reason to date in the first place. It finally clicked for me what the word transgender was. Somehow I’d only ever heard it in a vague context on tv. I did nothing with this information.

Finally in 10th grade, huzzah!! I found a word I identified with! I told my friends I was genderfluid, used he/him, they/them, and she/her on different days. Some friends had still been calling me my birth name, and I requested that they only used Jinx on she/her days and Jack on any other day. I wore dresses more confidently, because I felt comfortable with myself and who I was.

I came out to my parents, and they told me I was ridiculous. They said I was a girl seeking attention, and that people didn’t have to participate in asking what my pronouns were, or even using them.

Keep in mind I didn’t really struggle with dysphoria. I wanted shorter hair, and for people to respect my pronouns. That’s it.

Two thirds through the year I decided I wanted a binder. Boys had flat chests, and I felt more like a boy most days, I wanted a flat chest. I bought a binder with my own money. My parents took it, told me I was going to destroy my body and regret it when I changed my mind. The only support I had was from my friends at school and online.

Imagine if I didn’t have that. Imagine if my friends online told me I couldn’t be trans or genderfluid because I didn’t have enough dysphoria. That I couldn’t be trans at all because I hadn’t hated my body since I was a toddler. That I couldn’t be trans because sometimes I was happy with my body and the way I was shaped. Imagine if other trans people told me everything my cis family did.

My dysphoria appeared and got much worse AFTER I experienced gender euphoria in the summer before 11th grade, when I realized I was a trans boy. I threw out all my dresses and skirts, and suddenly it wasn’t so hard for my parents to “participate” in calling me by he/him pronouns.

All I needed was support and time. That’s all I needed to become confident with my gender identity.

TL;DR: You don’t need dysphoria to be trans and if trans people had told me otherwise I’d still think I’m cis and I’d be fucking dead.

(This is okay and encouraged to reblog)

[tumblunni]

Oh fuck i cant stand this

Ive already almost used up my damn mobile data again and i only bought it yesterday. Fuck i want to go home. You guys are like the only comfort i have here and i dunno what im gonna do when i cant message you again

Fuckin hell stupid shit day! I was supposed to go to a therapy class thing today but the stupid bus went past where my abusive father lives and i had a MASSIVE FREAKOUT and had to go home and then ofcourse to go home you have to go back on the stupid same bus!! I fuckib failed and wasted the doctor's time and he had to grab me to stop me from running off the bus crying and back to fuckin hell dad's house because im shit and i deserve everything he ever did to me

AND THEN fuckin same doctor continues the relentless constant tide of everyone misgendering me and making crass transphobic jokes

"You see you've gotta understand the other opinion" he says, as if trans people werent fuckin raised SURROUNDED by cis people's predjudiced opinion of us and taught it was fact. As if it didnt take me SO MUCH WORK to even become confident enough to stand up for myself! I've gotta see the 'other opinion' that "yknow well families and children use public bathrooms and theyre scared trans people will molest their children so its understandable they want to kick you out or even act violent to you". Yknow the OTHER OPINION that MY OPINION DOESNT MATTER and also MY ENTIRE EXISTANCE IS A CRIME but i'm the one being predjudiced for not accepting that OPINION, right?! Im here trying to tell him that no that isnt rational because there have been LITERALLY NO RECORDED CASES of trans people molesting children in public bathrooms, or even "evil men faking being trans" to do the same thing. There's been more cases of actual cis men breaking into women's bathrooms to drag women out for merely LOOKING trans. More cis women have been harassed because of anti trans laws than they ever did before! But hey "respect that other opinion", right? And also "at least its not as bad as russia" and "but gay pride is everywhere now, that one footballer had rainbow shoelaces." Hey wow i never noticed that not only was homophobia totally over but also transphobia was remotely related to that! Wow! I seriously had to bring out the fuckin 1600s historical investigation on pre-british olde englishe that showed the existance of a gender neutral pronoun before the word "he" ever existed, and the existance of transgender pride and pronoun discussions in the 1800s before the word transgender was even popularized. I cant believe i fuckin had to do a 'show your sources that queer people existed before the internet' IN REAL LIFE. WITH A MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL. I can point at the damn NHS website but nooooo!

Oh and yknow what got me the most? YKNOW WHAT GOT ME THE MOST?? "We have sick people here, you cant expect them to remember stuff like that. Dont ruin their recovery by bringing up stuff like that." Like..fuckin..IM A FUCKIN PATIENT TOO. I wasnt even asking the other patients to stop hurting me i was asking you the staff to maybe consider it! And seriously you want me to be so super ultra perpetually prepared and perpetually rational and able to keep my existance secret and out of every conversation yet theyre too ill to learn about lgbt people existing? Just a sentence would be too painful? And me living every day being misgendered doesnt impact my ability to recover at all, eh? Fuckin shitting fuck hell.

And i hate it i HATE IT because he's being nice so i'll be the bad guy if i complain. Likehe fuckin..doesnt even know he's being rude and doesnt want to consider the idea. He says 'i dont like your tone' if i suggest the concept and FUCK in that moment i was so fuckin scared he was gonna hit me like my dad did. Or at tge very least kick me out of the hospital if i dont cooperate with him. He just fuckin..thinks he's perfectly unbiased and accepts everyone and "oh but i like to make fun of everyone equally". And i even fuckin raised the subject that people who say that often only make fun of minorities and never themselves, the majority, or major power structures. And he's just like 'yeah yeh i hate people like that'. Whoosh. Rigjt over the head. God i wasnt even TRYING to be passive aggressive i was trying tk outright tell him why what he said was upsetting me but NOPE. Trying to explain how its just so hard and tiring to have to verrrrrry patientlyyyyy explain yourself to EVERYONE EVERY DAY CONSTANTLY while they sling loads of rude words at you and it should be just allowed because they 'dont know better'. Like you ask me to educate you but at the same time im rude if i actually tell you?? And god i also tried to explain how the fuckin bathroom violence thing isnt an example of 'educating another opinion' AGAIN by saying like... If someone just asked me to explain being transgender i would. If someone just said they were uncomfortable i would leave. That's 'another opinion'. Reacting with slurs and violence to a trans person existing and not doing anything to you is not 'another opinion' and its not someone who 'just didnt know'. He was seriously trying to argue that it WASNT BIGOTED it was just someone rationally being afraid for their children because of a danger that doesnt exist, and rationally reacting with extreme violence rather than doing anything else. Rationally. RATIONALLY. oh just MISTAKENLY committing a hate crime! Cos they just didnt know trans people exist! Not cos they hate us! Oh no! Yeah sure we totally have a fucking DUTY to educate these POOR UNKNOWING PEOPLE while theyre attacking us, and its our damn fault if we didnt...

And just fucking FUCK i hate how someone can say all that stuff and still be "nice" and still not hate me personally? Like its so messed up?? He's not anti trans or anything he just has so much more damn sympathy for cis people than trans people, and puts all the onus on us to somehow prevent our own murders. And he thinks that "i dont have a problem with trans people" means doing LITERALLY NOTHING to change your behaviour to make trans people feel accepted. They should just magically know that your jokes are jokes when theyre surrounded by so many people saying it honestly, in CONSTANT FEAR OF THAT EXACT THING LEADING TO VIOLENCE. And like in order to be "a guy who has no problem with trans people" he has to do nothing, while in order for me to be not bigoted against HIM it means i have to never get offended by his jokes and also never talk about myself and also constantly educate him about things because he doesnt want to learn, even though he works in a hospital thats supposed to have an anti discrimination policy. Like fuckin just NOT HURTING LGBT PEOPLE doesnt make you discrimination free, shit like telling me to misgender myself because my pronouns would confuse the other patients is kinda fuckin fucked up. Also "that's a question for later" is all i CONSTANTLY get when it comes to talking about legal name changes or therapy or even just talking to an lgbt support group. I have to wait until i stop being depressed because oh no im talking about too many mental illnesses at once. Its been seven years and i havent fuckin stopped being depressed, bitch! Ever consider a fuckin symptom of gender dysphoria is a big ol fat depression!!! And just gahhhhh he was so fuckin baffled and angry that i would dare to get emotional about the subject?? Like he just saw DEBATING WHETHER TRANS PEOPLE ARE REAL and WHETHER PEOPLE WHO MURDER THEM FOR USING THE BATHROOM ARE JUSTIFIED as a perfectly normal casual discussion that a Non Transphobic Man could have with his transgender friend. Why oh why would i cry about this casual hypothetical discussion? Hey its not like it fuckin affects me directly! "Well its never happened to you right?" A Ha Ha Ha Ha. Also fuckin "so which bathroom do you use?" and "well you're not really transgender if youre not getting the surgery-oh wait you do want the surgery? How does that work then?" I swear i could just see the gears turning in his head and he was about to say "do you want both down there". Gahhhhhh *cringes myself into a tiny tumbleweed and blows away*

Also the entire time he kept calling being trans a sexuality and also asexuality. "No youre not trans youre asexual right?" Yeah sure ive just been saying im trans and saying im not a girl and wearing a chest binder and talking this entire conversation about my experiences as a trans person in public bathrooms just to pull an elaborate prank on you. And like i know what he meant is that he thought the word for nonbinary was asexual (has asexuality REALLY made so little progress towards getting into the sex ed curriculum in the entire 25 years of my life?) But like seriously he was like "youre not really trans if youre nonbinary". And then fuck dude i dont wanna explain how surgery works to you!! And especially not also my entirely unrelated sexuality that has entirely different equally upsetting predjudices!

Ans gahhhh fuck i just got no sympathy for crying and he acted as if it was just some wildly unexpected occurance he never could have predicted. And i hate it cos he's nice to me whenever the subject is about anything else. I cant get any symoathey from ANYONE because he's A NICE GUY and why dont i just understaaaaaand other opinionnnnnns

I wanted to fuckin quit this whole thing on the spot and go home. Only reason i cant is because my support worker is off work until thursday auauauaughhh

Fuck at least one positive i guess is that ive made progress in the social anxiety or at least gotten better at giving the impression im making progress. Cos i want to LEAVE AS FAST AS POSSIBLE. And also fuck all my other worries seem less suicide-inducing when im actually getting the closest ive ever been to killing myself on a daily basis because of a stupid other thing that i never could have predicted. Go here for one form of self hate, come home with another! Yayyyyy

And fuck i havent even made a single bit of progress on drawing or writing anything and i cant practise making ganes cos my laptop cant run rpgmaker and i havent even started reading my giant pile of books cos they fuckin LOOK THROUGH THE WINDOW EVERY SINGLE HOUR TO MAKE SURE YOU AINT KILLED YOURSELF. i have no fuckin pribacy and its making me wanna kill myself even more!! I just live constantly on edge looking at the fuckin door window and i cant even do anything to distract myself because im too scared of them looking at me!! Or barging in at no notice to tell me i have to do some big stressful thing RIGHT NOW because i dont even get advance notice of anything aaaa! And fuck i dont have anywhere to go to even calm down from a panic attack cos i have no privacy so at least im getting over being scared of going outside cos outside is the only place i can go to cry. Fuckin strangers in the crowd at least wont cause shit if they see me.

Fuck i want to go home. Fuck i wish i had enough money to keep buying mobile internet. Its like fuckin 750mb a day to run tumblr but its all ive got to talk to any person who doesnt hate me or patronize me or think im faking a bunch of shit or whatever the fuck. And im not even any fun to be around when im like this so im probably just ruining your day too. And im probably gonna vanish again soon and then just go back to crying alone and getting worse and probably never being able to leave

I knew it was gonna be stressdul but i didnt predict any of this.. I just wanna fuckin die. I wanted to jump out the car and go to my old dad's house and have him pull open the door and slap me around a bit. Like call me a fucking dyke, call me a sick retard, be honest about your feelings! I'd fuckin take being abused over this "oh youre the bad one for being mad because i had goooood intentions" reverse psychology bigotry from hell. Either these people are evil geniuses or theyre even more stupid like me. Fuckin shit dad please manifest in my room and slap me, killing me instantly. I feel like being scared of you would at least be a faster emotion than this nebulous sensation of confusing unease and dysphoria 24/7 for 6 fuckin months. One week done, haha! Hahahabahahahahahahahahahahahahshahahahahahshshshahshahahahhahahaaaa

[autspoon]

tbh i wish my mom woulda looked more into looking at trans stuff about me as a kid.. because she clearly could tell i was trans?? like a lot of kids get helped with what they called “childhood gender identity dysphoria” i think? i know of quite a few parents who help their kids through the toughness with the medical system n dressing how they want.. n i kinda hate how i didnt get to that point before i was like 17-18... i mean i still feel i’m not at the stage where i Really dress how i want. but anyway, when i came out as bi, this story i probably told like a few times now.. i was like “i have to tell u sth”.. n she responded with “are you a girl?” .. like i wasn’t even ready to say i was trans so i lied... but still... she knew??? like she musta seen the signs of dysphoria or how i relate to gender roles, or how i talk about myself n react to things.. or something...? i mean at least she came with me twice to the gender therapist but... i still wish she had brought up the topic earlier? i mean like i kinda wish someone woulda told me when i was like much younger what trans is.. i didnt know about trans before i was like 16? before then i knew of genderfluid n bigender n genderqueer but i didnt rly find those concepts applied to me n i didnt rly look into what it actually meant.. but talking to a trans person about transness rly helped me. n i wish i knew about stuff sooner.