#i hate my job and idk when/how to move
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god i just want 1 win this year just 1 fucking win please 😔
#i hate my job and idk when/how to move#like there are just no oppprutnities rn#hate my social life every time i go out i feel worse#can’t do any life skills despite trying so hard#i’m literally useless the stupidest person you’ll ever meet 😵💫#i feel so stuck and everyday i dream of being someone else#but every time i try to improve things they don’t change or get WORSE!#oh and i got the flu last week and it took me out for a full week 💯
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the coolest kids in forgotten valley!!☆
(…it seems there may have been a stretch of time where rock and lumina were the only kids in forgotten valley…🥲)
poseref
#in the remake hugh and the player’s kid are the same number of years apart#so i can see them having very similar conversations n friendship#surely these two kids will grow up well adjusted and they will have no lasting effects from this kind of isolation. they will be fine#i have been thinking a lot about what their childhoods were like. i want to protect both of them#everyone who has anything to say about them as kids says that both of them were not well behaved children at all#tei says rock was rambunctious and energetic and hard to handle. sebastian says lumina was less than amenable#rock says he was bored to death when he first came here and lumina asks you not to tell romana that she’s lonely#lumina also hated wearing dresses so. she is very mad and ready to bite people maybe#sos awl#bokumono#my art#rock tumbling (sos)#harvest moon#story of seasons#story of seasons a wonderful life#bokujou monogatari#i like to imagine a au where pony and cecilia come to visit their family’s respective farms#so these two can have more friends ;w;#i am always thinking about how they were both severed from their families and taken in by someone else at a young age to live in nowhere#and they are both not exactly enthused about following the path laid out for them#headcanon ⚠️ i wonder if rock’s moving out on his own happened when he was a teenager. he was extremely confident everything would work out#anyway he got fired from every job ever and after many years came crawling back. and he came crawling back blond#at the time of chapter 1 lumina is baffled by the state of the guy she grew up with. why is he using dated slang and wearing disco costume#she is also kind of mad at him for having been gone for so long#hc rock probably had more freedom as a kid than lumina did which probably annoyed her#once again takakura retrieves a small rock from the goddess pond and he’s covered in poison ivy bee stings etc. no remorse#lumina from her window on the hill feels somehow jealous of these misadventures#lumina mentions in her heart event that she doesn’t often visit the beach because her skin burns easily#meanwhile rock was probably playing outside always. if his kid is any indication#idk i like thinking about the history of this extremely small village
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im not going to lie to u i hate change and have always been incapable of having goals on where to live within my own state much less a completely different one but 26 years of this horrible weather that only gets worse has me semi considering moving out of texas. Somewhat.
#i hate change so much that the politics aren't enough to make me leave the only place ive ever known. but the heat might be.#sucks bc ive been wanting to be more active and go to the park and such! but its still 95° at 2 am.#talkys#anyway i still dk where id live or how id live there also every state has its own weird different Bugs and I like buying#an entire garbage bag of pan dulce for $6 so i guess ill just stay here#idk how id survive without knowing anyone in the whole state...or without being able to go to mexico for medical emergencies...#but i cant take it anymoreeee#idk how im going to do anything this whole summer when my room is an oven#i need to like find a career that wld have me move out somewhere ykwim#like...tell me where to go and have a job ready for me there...
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sorry but everytime i go outside i realize how far away, how detached and distant i am and how i simply do not fit into society. i just dont. and i dont even want to anymore. i only feel right when im in the forest, or interacting with animals and bugs, when i sit by the sea, and also when i interact with the few people my heart feels calm with. ... im just so wrong and i dont belong here and it is so painful and idk what to do because other than death, i do not have a choice
#i know many ppl will say that like oh i dont like it or oh i dont like capitalism etc etc but like#it is different for me#just being around cars and trams almost hurts because i hate it so much#when im outside i see all of these people ... who only live for greed and money and things#i dont connect with any of it#i dont see the point. humans dont interest me at all#i see parents with their kids and im just like... ew humans#when i see dogs and birds i feel happy#i think im just too different and it will be very hard for me to ever find a place i belong#im just not interested in society or humans#and that sucks bc it alienates and isolates me so much#there are only a very few humans who move me#like im not even amazed by my fav artists or like idk humans just dont impress me#and idk how am supposed to move in society have a job go to school and interact with ppl who drain me#i dont want it.... i wouldnt even like society back in the days tho lmao i just dont..#i was made too different i was made to not belong or connect and that is so painful
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#its really weird you know#like ive kinda distanced myself from a lot of interactions#but when i do talk to people#and just to see how removed they are from politics etc#im not wording this very well but examples are just#me casually tutting when labour are mentioned#to be asked if i dont like them#and im like yeah i hate them. especially kier starmer.#and theyre like nodding along. but then to be diplomatic (this person was english) i say that i do like certain labour mps though like zarah#sultana etc#and the blank look i got. like idk. im probably just very online but this is someone whos educated and has a good job. so i just kinda#assumed theyd be a bit mroe aware of whats going on?#and then another person#i mentioned how theres books for kids about palestines history#i didnt mention anything else#and just... kinda silence. like a head nod and then convo moved on#and again i could just be over analysing but it almost felt like they didnt wanna talk about it because they didnt know/care?#which maybe. but i just kinda feel like at this fucking point. how can you not know.#i dont get how people are just so unaware of whats going on in the world around them. especially when its things that do indirectly affect#them. when it comes to people being incriminately harmed and murdered#like i dont think these people are against palestine or big labour fans etc etc either#but its just the blissful ignorance#idk maybe im just jealous tbh. because this shit haunts my every waking moment. the thought that theres so many bigoted and ignorant people#around the world scares me. and i never want to be one of them#this is such a jumbled ramble#but alas#le text post
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stuck trying to figure out if i should orphan my first ever published fic or smthn bc of c*dy k* allegations... like is that fic very Good exactly? no. not even a little. is it still my first ever fic on ao3? yeah...
#i think it is very much so a snapshot of who i was and what i was going thru at the time#and it's comforting to look back and see how far ive come writing wise but also emotionally?#but also his name is a blight on my ao3 ykwim.#do i put it in a private collection? is that the thing to do? grrr#like it is so obvious (to me) that i was a terrified lonely teenager even from the summary#soulmate fic w a guy who feels like he's living life thru a grey veil who hates the soul sucking job he moved away from home for#like wow. depressed isolated 17 y/o facing moving hours from home and everyone she knows for even more school moment!!#it's not GOOD writing but it is writing that makes me go wow even when shit sucks now it's so much better than then#and everything did in fact work out. i changed so much (for the better) as a result#but again reading it back it's not like im struggling bc im proud of the writing itself. proud that i wrote it for sure proud that ive grow#idk. maybe i should just bite the bullet and orphan it
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#whats so disturbing. mostly bc i used to be so content being independent#is that whenever im somewhere. be it alone. or with other ppl. i always wish he was with me NXJZJZJZMMZMZMZZMMZ#LIKE THAT IS SO........... XJJZJKZKZKZK GOD#i went to like. a market today n the whole time i was like... man itd have been so fun if he was here ..... JDJSJZJZM GOD#i have it so bad#but i was always like. if i find someone i like hangjng out with more than i like being by myself... obvi thats the person for me#but when i said that. i kind of assumed that was an Impossibility but oh the turn tables JJXJXJXMXJZJZM#n e way. its just me writing another lovesick post JDJDMJDJDJDJS#personal#im getting close to making a move i think. but kind of want to settle in my job first. and like jddjddjjkdk he Knows i just got one after#looking for a long time so i think hes like. understanding that we havent seen each other Njdjdjz LOL IDK. im just assuming#we have talked consistently every week tho since i last saw him. which is pretty good for us tbh#idk i like that we dont have to talk all the time. i always hated when guys message constantly JDNDJDNZNDN like leave me alone i have a life#JDJDJDJSJZMZ#but yeah... im not worried anymore nor do i feel the need to constantly validate whether he likes me or not. i think at this point its...#clear JDJDJDJJDKXKXJX#WATCH ME BE WRONG LMAO GOD.#ah well... things will turn out how they turn out
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what do u meannnnnnn i'm abt to be post college graduation 🧍🏻♀️🧍🏻♀️🧍🏻♀️
#apparnelty some family friends coming to my graudation#bc ig i'm the first in the generation to graduate or whatever the fuck#and like whatever that's fine but ffs i wish they would've come to my show instead#that i co directed and literally love sos o so oso sosososoososooo much#so so so proud of that#i don't give a shit abt my graduation tbh lmfao TT#so it lowkey doesn't mean much to me that they want to come to my graduation ;-;#it would've meant so fucking much if i knew they would be able to come#and want to see that and i could like suggest hey instead come see this show LMAO#like it probably wouldn't have happened but whatever#also just like i have like no motivation and no interest in stats at this point lmfao#ALSO bc these ppl all gonna be fucking talking abotu and asking abt what i'm doing after#I DON'T KNOWWWWW what i'm fucking doingggggggg#i alr get enough talk from my mom abt how i'm not applying to enough jobs#i dont need family friends to also be asking me and my answer just being ha idk#i'm fucking staying at college tho like on campus bc i'm a fucking loser and don't want to move on#like not rly. i'm kinda trying to see it as like#the alternative would've been me at home being a loser lol#and that would've been so annoying and even if this isn't the 'right' thing to do or most traditional#at least i'm choosing to do it ig#and i get to stay in this club w my bestestestestest friends for another yr#idc if i'm like not moving on when i should LOL too bad for me that's a future problem#and also kinda figure out this weird right after college time period w my friend who i'm rooming with#ok. slay that was. acool turnaround from me lmfao just . yeah ok that's the positive side ig lmao#anyway i also dont give a shit about graduation bc i hate my university rn lmfao :) and the world is burning down#jeanne talks#i am . procrastinating#imagine knowing what the fuck i learned in this class this whole semester#ugh literally two group projects to end on and two of the most boring annoying group project experiences i've had LMAO
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not ready to go back to work tomorrow but luckily im so not ready that my brain isn't letting it fully process and so im just kind of numb except for little moments when the panic breaks through again
#feeling more and more like a robot and less and less like a person the emptier my life gets#the future is so empty like its just work and isolation forever#i have one thing left at the end of this week and then after that its just work and family and alone#and i think numbing out completely is really the only way ill be able to cope at all#i didnt used to really be able to do that but maybe now im to the point where i just have to so its become an option#idk i also might just be lying to myself and be about to get hit really hard with how bad this all is tomorrow#job interview friday. but plausibly i dont think i can take the job even if i get it bc i just dont think i can move to nyc#i just feel like ive hit a dead end#like i was a side character in someone elses story and that person has moved on so im just like floating in stasis#bc my part of the story is over i wrote myself out of their lives so i don't really exist anymore#idk my brain is telling me all these things that i know are silly but feel so true and i just am tired and empty#sorry to be dramatic and complain again just dreading work so bad#i just dont see any path forward thats not this forever loop like i cant make or have real connections with other ppl#and thats whats supposed to make a life real and worth living#but ive never had the capacity to connect right and ive never had passion for anything and ive never been able to really love and be loved#and i dont know how to fix any of it bc honestly i dont think any of its fixable#ill always be an emotionally harmful drain on anyone i think i love and ill always be left when they realize that#and then ive just hurt another person and i dont want to be a person that just hurts people so i cant be around people anymore#but its so empty and its so lonely and i hate myself so fucking much#anyway. i sound like a pathetic whiny teenager lmao sorry i know how stupid it all is i promise
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#tag talk#as much as I hate to see the social cinema grow as I get new followers. we're at a good and satisfying number. and I like that#also also also. I've introduced a friend to Hannibal (tv show) and he's loving it and I'm so happy cause none of#of my other friends have been able to stomach the body horror. so it's super cool to find someone to hype over it with#another random story that I genuinely can't remember if I said already. got told by a kid in minecraft that he's smiled a lot more around me#which. huge compliment. genuine honor to make people happy and smile and laugh#people don't laugh enough. we don't smile enough. be happy or die. and I'm too powerful to die. been there. haven't done that#cry and then laugh and then punch as hard as you can.#got to visit some of my favorite residents from the nursing home I first worked at. lotta new staff but my three favorite nurses are still#which is nice. I cried when I left that job because even though it crushed my soul I loved my coworkers and most of my residents.#I get why some healthcare workers grind themselves to the bone for the job. you're making such a huge difference in people's lives.#I tried but didn't have the fortitude for it. but it's nice to be able to go back and say hi to the friends I made and see how things are.#anyway. sorry for being weird like.. one or two weeks ago. I think things are settling out again. moving is rough but we're making it work#It's been a lot of Lear again lately. especially while being at my parents house. he doesn't mind being deadnamed as much sooo....#idk. at least one of us is capable of surviving the dmv and the state medicaid website. heaven knows I can't manage.#trying to stop using him as a crutch for getting things done has just resulted in us not being able to get things done.#but I don't want to be someone else I want to be me. I don't want to be the armor I want to be the human inside.#I don't want to live defensively. pushing everyone away. I can't do that.#anyway. we're back home! and work is on the horizon. hopefully this job works out cause I don't want to have to apply for new jobs.#the hr rep is a man at this store and I immediately got set on edge and our voice dropped as I stepped back.#then we introduced ourselves with the wrong name and he got confused and I just felt stupid about it#but how am I supposed to know which name he's been told. he didn't even use our paperwork name. Anyway that was a disaster#but we're on track and embarrassment is not a setback but a feeling about the way things progress. and it is progress we're making
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#i keep having little things in my life that make me go god i want to leave#but like. it wld take too long.#it wouldnt be an immediate change#i would still need to relearn to drive which would take forever bc i hate it#and i would need to look into certs that wld get me employed#or anything that wld get me employed#i know the time will pass anyway but that doesnt work for my brain that has trouble Startin especially when theres no light#at the end of the tunnel. like doing those things wont guarantee me a job so why bother#i get lulled back into well living here isnt so bad i can take it. moving out would be worse. id be alone and i wouldnt#feed myself and id have a job i hated#but then Something Happens and the cycle repeats and im miserable#and i want to leave but how can i. and it would take forever. so ill stay. but it sucks. and i want to leave. but how can i. and it w#talkys#i can take it. but not for much longer. but i can. but i cant. but i have to. but i dont want to. i can. i cant#idk how people Live#my issue is i want to leave Now i want to leave Yesterday.
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for realsies
#HELLO IM VENTING AGAIN IM SO SORRY#i am sick of everything the usual but i just need some fucking therapy and my diagnosises are taking too long because the system is shit#over here and i feel like i am a literal walking disaster a hazard to myself are my meds even working anymore idk? someone needs to lock me#in a fucking wardrobe before i loose my shit and do something stupid as fuck at least im self aware ok were growing this is called growth#wow ok amazing spectacular#like tonight ive decided i hate everyone again i want to quit uni actually might do it this time i just applied for a random job for no#reason i have a job but if i have 2 then i can over work myself to the max so i dont have to go into uni#i have three weeks off so now im cutting everyone off who knows how long this episode is gonna last for#i am loosing my god damn mind i do not want to do anything everything is so hard why is everyone so pressuring#i stopped doing some of my stupid habbits but now im just going full circle again so im thriving rn live love laugh am i right guys or what#AND WHY CANT I JUST HAVE A THERPAIST WHO CONTACTS ME ITS BEEN SINCE OCTOBER U FUCKING BITCH GO FUCK URSELF#anyway im in huge amounts of pain too idk what i do in my sleep or something but my shoulders hurt so bad#i hate wet tags on clothes when they stick to you throws up actually#i had stale fucking garlic bread today and i want to move out but if i move out then things will get worse for me#why cant i maintain a normal friendship without loosing my mind and hating everyone i mean no one knows my friends are pretty good with me#they understand but i dont know#ive come to the conclusion that i am just a shit
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apartment hunting be like 'that flat is in an inconvenient neighborhood, that building is right next to a massive construction site, that kitchen hasn't been updated since like the 70s and the stove looks like a fire hazard, this apartment has a super inconvenient layout, this hasn't got enough storage, a minimum one year contract...'
#noopa rambles#frigging studio apartments having stupid layouts#esp the trend with new apartments to have the kitchen just along the living space wall is killing me#it makes furnishing the rest of the apartment such a pain#fucking hate that moving seems like a smart option atm#bc there's gonna be construction that will last for years right outside my window soonish#I'll have some time to find a place before it starts#I really don't want to live right next to a construction site for years when I work from home#if I didn't work from home it wouldn't be an issue#ofc I could wait and see just how loud the construction will be when they start doing the demo first#kinda still wanna move cities but the city I wanna move to is so much more expensive#I'd either need a roommate or live far from downtown#which would be super annoying for a side job commute and I'd like a side job#and I don't exactly know anyone I could ask to be a roommate#and let's be real I also wouldn't want to ruin friendships by existing as a roommate#I feel like I'd be a disaster as a roommate#I really like my current flat the layout is sooo good and the location is excellent#I'm lowkey just considering finding a flat in the same group of apartments but a few buildings down#so that there'd be at least a block and two-three buildings between me and the construction#but idk if that'd still do enough to protect from the noise so it might just be pointless to move half a block#but this location is just so good man!!!
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aaaaaand now I can't sleep bc of anxiety about my future and whether or not I'll even graduate next month 🙃
#Words#Personal#My grade in my bio class went way the fuck down after the test we took recently#I'm definitely gonna talk to my professor and advisor about it and see what kind of help I can get#Because I REAAAALLLLLYYYYY want to fucking leave#And it's scaring the shit out of me that it might not even happen anymore#Because I quit my job to focus more on school#But I did it like the week before the test so it was shitty timing#I keep getting emails from the school about graduation and I can't even get excited for it#I don't wanna walk if I'm not even finished with my degree#Like what the fuck is the point in that#Especially after being in college as long as I have#But yeah the anxiety hit me just now and now I'm sad as fuck lol#Godddd this sucks so much like college has truly been the worst era of my life#Tbh my entire 20s have been pretty shitty#I always get super annoyed when people say you're in your prime in your 20s LIKE BITCH IM FUCKING SUFFERING SHUT UP#why do people act like adolescence and early 20s is the only worthwhile part of your life#I'm honestly aching to see what life is like post college and I hate how this class and my former job have gotten in the way of that#And it sucks because I don't know anyone else who's dealing with the same situation so I feel very alone in this#Idk man everything is just shitty right now and I just wanna move on with my life#It seems like everyone in my life is under the impression that I'm just lazy bc it's taken me forever to get through college#But in reality I've dealt with so much bullshit in the past few years#Such as being in a whole cult that revolved around toxic positivity#dragging myself through a major I hated bc I had no idea what else to do with my life#And also losing a bunch of people I was once close with#It's hard to put into words how much all of that fucked me up#But a lot of that stuff has been going on since before college#But the worst of it definitely happened during college so that's also why I wanna move on#Because I associate my time at school with all of that shit#Damn I'm VENTING in these tags lmao
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merry crisis!
#so my abusive mother whom i escaped from in september has covid#shes chronically ill and vulnerable bc of it. apparently she isnt doing well#but wont tell me anything because i wasnt 'talkative enough' when she initially told me she has positive#now my uncle texted me that she has a bp os 220 and may or may not have had a stroke#and goes on about how im terrible and dont care abt her and whatnot#even though i do? i dont want to care but i do#i blocked him and texted her to go to the fucking hospital#but idk what ill do if she dies from this#no idea how to even begin to process that#she doesnt give a shit about me but shes still my mother and im trying so hard to hate her but i cant#i might just go no contact for good#i hate everything about this. i wish i had a job and could move away and get my things that i left at her home so i can be done w this shit
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Love how I can ruin something so easily
#actually id say love how depression can do so but i dont have to behave irritably just bc my brain feels unmoored and unhappy for no good#reason. i dont have to make it everyone elses problem#i wasnt trying to! but i cant communicate hey i feel like x and thats making me feel y and i dont know what to do about it#i just.. why dont they ask 'Why?' when i get like that. i want them to notice that I'm acting uncharacteristically and say something so that#i can go oh yeah thats dumb and idk why sorry yeah#but theyre reacting like its not obvious when i pointed out that this happens and that i want them to ask me 'why'#yeah is it fair to expect that if them? no. but idk what else to do abt it bc i am incapable of makingany other decision#im ANGRY#I'm disappointed i didnt get to be here for the yard sale and help them#I'm frustrated i had to be at work even though i was superfluous there today#I'm disappointed and frustrated that they dont want to try a yard sale again another week#like maybe a warmer and nicer weekend and puttinf more signs up will result in more traffic to the yard sale!#theyre giving up on it and i wanted to do a yard sale and didnt get to bc i had to be at work instead and now i wont gwt to again bc they#dont want to plan another yard sale bc theyre exhausted by it#i missed out and i wanted to do a yard sale so bad and didnt get to be here for it!#I'm frustrated that qe wont do another yard sale#and I'm unhappy that they didnf trust that i could clean up and brinf stuff inside at least like theyre tired so why are they doinf the work#let me help! i want to feel like i helped! I'm useless i dont do anything! but i was fold i cant do it on my own and wouldnt know where they#wanred to put stuff#like yeah i cant move the tables on my own into the shed. fine. but the boxes of stuff??? she could have come and directed me instead!#so like. fine i wont help. and then i got up and came to fuckinf help anyway even tjo apparently i wouldnt have done it right on my own#and shes like that attitude wasn't helpful like neither was what you said!#i know I'm not smart or helpful and just an annoying tag-alonf overgrown child but i wanted to do something#if it was my oldest sister insisting she could do it they wouldnt have protested!#whatever I'm stupid and reactive and i could have said like that makes me feel like u think i cant help and that feels shitty#whatever#I'm just. i hate existing its too frustrating and complicated and i havw no choice in the matter and i want to just curl up in bed and do#nothing and go nowhere and not talk to anyone and not do my medication bc i wont have insurance if i dont go to work bc i wont have the job#which means i can never do that bc unfortunately the result of not taking my medication scares me more than i hate having to be a person#i hate being a person but being sick is infinitely worse so
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