#but every time i try to improve things they don’t change or get WORSE!

[annoyinglandmagazine]

You know that whole scene with Klaus reuniting with Punch and Judy/ Adam and Lilith? That already gives me so many emotions but I ended up accidentally making it worse with headcanons about their previous relationship that I hope at some point will make it into a fic:

Bill and Barry never really grasped the way constructs were treated outside of Mechanicsburg. They don’t really get the concept that something like that could matter so much to people, that they would actively view people as less than human for a few stitches or an extra limb. That the insanity of Mechanicsburg could actually be an improvement on the rest of the world that supposedly cared about morals in this one thing that they’d never even questioned before.

They try, they really do, they get righteously furious about it every other week, but they never really get it. They’re more confused than anything when Klaus and Judy tell them they should be the ones to ask for boarding while travelling anonymously because they’re less likely to be turned away.

They don’t notice that Punch and Judy take certain adventures more personally than the rest of them do, the way they went all still when hearing a monologue about constructs taken as ‘spare parts’ by Sparks that insist it doesn’t count because they’re not people anyway. Even worse the supposed ‘heroes’ they work with to take down rogue Sparks and then turn around and insist that the job isn’t finished until they purge the area of the Spark’s creations as well.

They’re complaining about their professors and Klaus explains why he dislikes one of them by casually bringing up that he had a pet theory of a ‘sliding scale of humanity’ and he once derailed a lecture by trying to place Klaus on it. They are horrified and murderous and Klaus becomes the first person to marvel at how sheltered someone was growing up in Mechanicsburg.

So there is always a certain connection between Punch, Judy and Klaus over this in particular because they know that Bill and Barry can’t possibly understand. Not like they do. And it’s important, to Punch and Judy entering an outside world for the first time and having it reject them even as it grows used to and even welcomes the Heterodynes but not them, never fully. Heterodynes can redeem themselves with enough determination but how can you redeem yourself when your only crime to begin with was existing?

It’s important to Klaus who knew relatives and friends who looked like they had to force themselves to say his name without flinching because they didn’t really believe it was him they were talking to. University was a fresh start but it took years for him to break the nervous habit of adjusting his cuffs and collar to cover his skin because it was just exhausting to watch the way people changed once they noticed.

Sometimes they talked about it but most of the time they’re just there for each other and that’s enough. Also they’re all way more willing to get into a fight on someone else’s behalf than their own so it gives them a nice opening to beat the shit out of bigots.

On an unrelated and slightly less angsty note I also think that Punch and Judy were sort of the mom friends of the Heterodyne adventures. They got into the habit of spending a considerable amount of their lives trying to make these insane twenty somethings get some rest every now again and the rest of it complaining (Punch naturally had a sign language that the Boys may have invented specifically for him but communicated perfectly adequately through Looks as well) the constant, stupid risks they took to their own lives.

When it became clear that they couldn’t have children Bill and Barry couldn’t feel more terrible about it, they spent ages trying to come up with a solution but couldn’t imagine one where there was an ironclad guarantee of no amnesia. Klaus suggested adoption since they were so good with the orphans they came across but, though it wasn’t ruled out, Judy half jokingly made comments about how she was busy enough with ‘her boys’ anyway so she didn’t need children for now.

Klaus finds it easiest to talk to Punch sometimes because he really listens and waits until he’s finished speaking to offer input when it’s wanted (it usually isn’t). He’s also exceptionally good at reading non verbal cues which is helpful because Klaus always had some kind of allergy to talking about anything personal.

Judy knows about Lucrezia and Klaus. She’s fairly certain Bill is the only one of them who doesn’t. She personally thinks both of them would be a lot better off with someone else, anyone else really. She distrusts something in Lucrezia’s eyes when she’s around them, calculating and almost predatory, but then both of them had unusual ideas of what constituted romance. She doesn’t like it but she doesn’t say anything. Years later she’ll wish she had.

When Punch and Judy hear that Klaus is back from the dead and annihilating all the warring nobility’s armies that cross his path they think ‘Well something else is clearly going on there but that does sound a little like what Klaus would do if he went off the deep end to be perfectly honest.’

They find out he’s conquering an empire and that sounds a lot less like Klaus. Then Barry returns in a complete panic, holding his niece like a lifeline and talking about how Klaus is working for the Other.

It’s a struggle to even contemplate it, the same Other that killed Bill’s infant son and most likely Bill as well, the Other that destroyed the Wulfenbach barony and massacred its people, including Klaus’ own parents, the Other that ravaged Europa sending it into a state of utter chaos. They know Klaus. They’ve known him since he was reckless eighteen year old who just wanted to make the world a better place. They know him.

But…… A few months ago they would have said the thought of subjugating the continent would never cross Klaus’ mind, that he’d never do something like that. He wasn’t that kind of Spark. On their bad days the boys used to talk about what would happen if either of them ever crossed ‘the line’ and though they’d all reassured them that they never would Klaus had promised in complete sincerity that he wouldn’t let them.

No one had ever thought that Klaus might need to have a line. He never even properly lost control of a fugue, he didn’t forget morals in the heat of the moment, every decision he made he’d stand by years later as the right one. He took things further than the boys sometimes but that was because he’d concluded it was for the best and he didn’t need a strict code the way they, still wrestling and redirecting those Heterodyne urges inside them, did.

They also knew Barry and he wouldn’t ever be able to believe something like that if there’d been any other explanation. Barry had known Klaus too.

Basically I’m never going to get over the tragedy that is this group of people because they were friends! They were probably the first real friends any of them had had! They were so young and optimistic and they decided they were going to start fixing things because no one else would. They thought the world could get better and people deserved second chances and for a while it actually worked and it meant something and then it blew up in their faces.

Everything falls apart worse than it was when they started, they lose everyone close to them and they wonder if the world was ever really going to change at all. When the era of the Heterodyne Boys comes to an end they don’t face it together the way they always thought they would if they failed. It ends with all of them are separated and so disillusioned that they’ll believe that even their closest friends would betray them and humanity in the worst way possible.

[thenighttrain]

god i just want 1 win this year just 1 fucking win please 😔

[butnotbubblegum]

using the tags to vent my current emotional state into the void bc ig story feels like a bad plan for this, don’t read them if you’re having a bad day, they’ll probably not help in the slightest.

[tlou-reid]

!smut, mdni!

thinking about spencer reid who has had a crush on the pretty BAU agent at the desk across from him ever since she started. she has been so swamped with work and paperwork and life recently and spencer notices the small changes in her behaviors because he notices every little thing about her. he sees the tighter grip she holds on her pens, making the ink bleed through the paper just slightly. he notices the way she starts to slam her coffee cup on the desk as opposed to gently sitting it down. he notices the heavy uptick of the amount of cups she’s having.

and it’s worse when they’re given a case. naturally, since they get along so well and since they’re probably the two smartest people in the world, hotch pairs spencer and his crush up throughout their time in phoenix, arizona. spencer sees the way she’s always cracking her knuckles and rubbing at the small of her back. he hear the tone in which she talks to the officers.

so, when they’ve finally caught their unsub just 6 days later, spencer makes sure to pick up her case files before she can even make it from her hotel room. he tucks them neatly under him as he sits down on the jet, carefully hiding them from her. he holds them hostage, knowing if she doesn’t see them, she won’t worry about them. out of sight, out of mind, as they say. she falls asleep quickly in the seat across from spencer. he can’t help but ogle at her beautiful sleeping form, knowing she really needs the rest.

and, once they returned to the musty bullpen that belongs to the BAU, spencer stays with her. he watches as she starts the paperwork he’d sneakily put on her desk, not letting her catch on to the fact that he’d taken it. he tries his best to focus on his own work, but the way she keeps groaning as she rolls her head back has him completely distracted. he’s barely three pages in when hotch emerges from his office, bidding both of them a goodbye and complimenting their work on the case

that just leaves spencer and the pretty agent across from him in the space.

time moves slower now, spencer thinks, which makes it even more agonizing to listen to her try to work out her over-exhausted muscles by herself. he can’t help himself as he breaks the comfortable silence that had been established.

“hey, y/n,” he inquires, knowing she probably doesn’t want to be disturbed right now. his suspicions prove to be true when she doesn’t look up, letting out a less than enthusiastic “hm?”.

“do you know the benefits of getting a massage?” this piques her interest, wondering where spencer was going to take this. sure, the recent stress in her life had her muscles aching at every hour of the day, but she didn’t think anyone had picked up on it. “i know the basics, spence.” she giggles, finally looking over at him.

he can’t dwell on the fact that this is the first time she’s smiled in about two weeks because his brain starts moving too fast for his mouth to keep up, “yeah, most people know they helps with muscle aches but they actually have a lot of benefits. massages help improve circulation and joint mobility. there’s also research that connects them to cosmetic effects, like improved and more even skin tones.”

he doesn’t expect her to still be paying attention to him, but he’s pleasantly surprised at the small smile spreading across her face. “hm, that sounds amazing. if only i wasn’t trapped here doing paperwork at almost three in the morning.” she answers sarcastically, turning back to her work. “i could give you a massage.” spencer stumbles out.

her cheeks start to heat up as she makes eye contact with him, wondering where he would take this. “i mean,” he backtracks, “i’ve read books on how to do shoulder and back massages. my eidetic memory means i could probably do an almost perfect one, if you’re interested. i’ve noticed the way you’ve been struggling with muscle aches.”

her face feels like it’s on fire with the way he’s making her blush. “um, sure, spencer, if you don’t mind.” she stutters and stumbles as she tries to accept his offer. he excitedly pushes himself of his hair, pulling up a closer one behind her.

his large hands start to knead at the knots at the base of her neck. he can feel the tension she’s built up over the past couple of weeks and tries to recall the techniques he’d read about so long ago.

this quickly becomes a challenging feat, as he moves his hands along the expanse of her back. she lets out light moans when he massages a particularly tight part of her muscle. the moans and grunts she’s making are going right to spencer’s cock. he’s so glad he’s behind her, because the tent in his pants continues to grow as he reaches the base of her back, where most of her pain had been.

her light moans have now increased in volume, and spencer is sure he should stop. he was not expecting to have this reaction from her, or react this way to her. his mind is cloudy and beginning to fill with filthy images that match the sounds she’s making now.

and god, he should stop. he knows he should pull his hands away from her, especially as he feels his stomach tighten and his dick throb in his pants. but he can’t. he needs to reach his release so bad, so he presses his fingers harder into her back, listening to the joyful sounds she’s letting out.

he doesn’t pull his hands away until he finally cums in his pants, too embarrassed to keep going. “thank you, spence. i feel a lot better. a lot less tense now.” she thanks him as he turns away from her, pushing in the chair he’d pulled over. he makes a few exclamations, saying it was no problem at all, before dashing off to the bathroom to try and get himself cleaned up.

[myfictionaldreams]

Winter Soup // Mafia!Stucky x F!Reader

Summary: There was no better feeling than a bowl of hot soup when you're feeling unwell and, what's even better is when it's delivered to your door every day by your new guard. It tasted amazing and you could always trust everyone in the Mafia... right?

Requested by: @senjoritanana​​ thank you so much, I hope you enjoy all the angst!

A/N: PSA I don't know the specifics of how poisons work and didn't want to risk it on my google history lmao so please ignore any inaccuracies. Please read the tags if you're affected by near death experiences, please proceed with caution and if I've missed any tags/warnings, please let me know!

Warnings/Tags: 18+ readers only, hints of smut, angst (LOTS BUCKLE UP), fluff, polyamory relationship, poisoning, blood and injury, anxiety, crying, begging, near death expierences, reader is injured, pain, emotional hurt/comfort, hospitalization, protective Steve Bucky and Sam, everyone needs a hug tbh

Words: 7.7k

my masterlist 📚 AO3 Link

The warmer months were slowly starting to shift into winter and for some reason this year, the weather change was beginning to affect your health. You’d heard of the phrase ‘seasonal depression’ but you were convinced that it was due to the cooler weather that was making you feel this rubbish.

It had been happening for a week now, and some days you’d feel fine, normal in fact but then others your chest felt so tight as if an elephant was sitting on top of you, nausea, vertigo and heart palpations that would have you clutching your chest with fear you might explode. With each passing day, you would be praying for the summer months to return, especially as the snow and ice increased with intensity outside of your home.

You were fine for the most part, good days and bad; yes you might be getting worse with each passing day but you were adamant that the seasonal illness would pass. However, the frosty weather was also a minor blessing because it was your excuse to stay home and be a pretty housewife for Steve and Bucky. Being able to stay home made it easier to keep the illness to yourself as well, it was a busy time within the Rogers mafia and you didn’t need them wasting their time fretting over your wellness when they had a lot of other things to do. They had many international deals that were so close to being signed for and contracted that every waking hour was spent at the office, on phone calls, and emails, trying to talk to locals across the world to attend meetings on their behalf so the boys were thoroughly busy.

There were a few occasions you’d attended with them to the office if you were feeling particularly needy or lonely but it unnerved you to drive on the snow and ice so when you suggested that you might stay at home, Steve and Bucky offered no complaints.

At home at least you were able to mop about, trying to perk yourself up with movies, pyjamas and your favourite bowl of warm soup. Over the last few months, you’d been trying to improve your cooking skills, especially to impress Steve who usually cooked for three of you. This became more interesting as the colder months drew in over Brooklyn as this meant you could cook more homely, hearty foods such as soups and stews, especially as you had recipe suggestions from the newly hired grounds guard Rafael.

He’d been recommended by a friend of a friend for Steve to hire which was perfect timing because the last grounds guard had retired. There were a few occasions when he was the guard to bring the post to the front door from the front gate and you soon found he was enthusiastic and easy to talk to, even though he was a little bit older, which was how you found out he had previously been a chef and offered to give you recipe ideas. As winter drew in, Rafael began turning up when he knew you were by yourself to deliver some of his momma’s family recipe soups, hoping that the meal would perk you up which it did, they tasted so delicious that you were secretly hoping he would keep bringing them to you, especially as you continued to feel unwell.

“What is it today?”, you asked voice full of hope and trying to sound as upbeat as possible. Even though you were desperately holding onto the door handle as your head was spinning and scared you’d fall over.

“Potato and leek soup and they’re all grown in my back yard so hopefully you’ll love it even more than usual”, Rafael smiled as he handed over the container, his smile broad and causing the aged creases at the corner of his eyes to deepen.

Gleefully you accepted the soup, opening the lid slightly to smell the delicious meal, your stomach grumbling with hunger. Your appetite had reduced significantly over the last few days due to always feeling nauseous however it seemed the only thing that you could stomach was his delicious meals and therefore his arrival was always welcomed.

“Thank you so much! Please will you let me pay you this time? You’re being way too kind to me, always giving me free meals, you’re going above and beyond a usual guard”, you pleaded whilst also having to return holding onto the door handle as it felt like the ground was moving with your dizziness.

Rafael held up his hands and shook his head, taking a step back, “Absolutely not! Just wanted to give you something to make you feel better and make the fairies go away”.

The guard halted, a look of embarrassment passing out his features as he realised what he just said, especially as you asked, “Fairies?”

He awkwardly looked down at his shoes, rubbing the back of his neck as he tried to explain, “Yeah it’s just something my momma use to say. If we were feeling unwell, it’s because the fairies had crept into our stomachs and were being naughty and making us ill and now I’ve said it out loud to another person I’ve realised how insane that sounds so I’m going to stop talking”.

You squeezed your lips together to try and contain your laughter but that lasted a moment before you were both laughing which only turned into you losing your balance against the door and swaying to keep yourself upright. The laughter died in Rafael’s eyes as he reached out to you, “Woah, you ok, Ma’am?”

Quickly brushing him off, you took a step back into your home, trying to ask nonchalantly about the situation, “Yeah sorry, probably just the fairies pushing me over”. Your joke didn’t seem to comfort him in any way as he continued to look uneased by your appearance.

Thankfully Rafael didn’t push the situation any further, seeing that you wanted to escape back into the comfort of your home, he took his step back with a simple smile. “Get back inside before you catch another cold from this snow. Eat the soup whilst it’s still warm and I’ll be back tomorrow to hear the verdict on the taste.”

“Thank you Rafael! Enjoy the rest of your day!”. You waved him off and rushed to slam the door, sliding down to the floor against the wood, losing all energy that you’d built that morning just for that one conversation. Ok yes, you were feeling sorry for yourself as you tried to catch your breath, heart pounding violently in your chest that it also echoed in your ears and your vision was still seeing double of everything.

However your stomach continued to gurgle with hunger so without wasting any more energy, you opened the lid and ate the entire contents then and there. Releasing a satisfied sigh at the delicious meal, you took another couple of minutes to gather your senses before dragging yourself over to the living room, collapsing onto your back on the couch and letting sleep take you into a dreamless realm.

A violent shake of your shoulders by a hard grip on your shoulder was what startled you awake as Sam’s voice then surrounded you as he shouted, “Hey! Wake up!”.

“I think this is the first time I’ve ever been close to hating you Sam Wilson”, you croaked before coughs shattered your chest, rocking your body as you tried to sit up and suck in any air between the painful coughs. Finally, you calmed down enough to collapse back against the decorative cushions of the couch and open your eyes to look at the three Sam’s that hovered over you. After a couple more blinks, they merged into one, very distressed-looking bodyguard, eyebrows knitted together and jaw muscle clenched harshly.

Sam reached towards your face, pressing against your cheek in concern, “Why didn’t you tell me you were ill?”

“What? I’m not ill, I’m just tired, can’t a girl nap around here?” you questioned with a raised eyebrow, trying to look as relaxed as possible. 

The man didn’t look convinced as he sat on the edge of the couch next to you. Releasing a heavy sigh which only twinged something in your chest that made you want to cough but you refrained from doing so as you emphasised, “Sam seriously, I’m fine”.

Sam gave you another serious glance, eyes hardening as he explained, “You didn’t sound fine, you were wheezing so hard in your sleep I thought you were going to stop breathing”.

There was no denying the panic that filled your heart and would explain the tightened feeling in your chest but you tried to not let the fear show on your face as you rolled your eyes, reaching for his hand and squeezing it.

“I appreciate your concern Sam, but I feel ok, I’m just tired, I was probably just sleeping in a weird position and look, no wheeze now!” Taking a deep breath to show there was no more noise coming from your chest, however, it didn’t seem to comfort him in any way.

“Yeah well you’re still looking peaky and why are you so tired all the time recently, you’re never usually like this”.

“It’s probably just the cold weather or something. If I start to feel unwell, you know I’d tell you. I’m a big baby when I’m ill, you’ll be the first to know”. Sam looked to be contemplating believing you and all you were silently begging for was that he didn’t call Steve and Bucky, they just didn’t need this stress right now. Even though it was in his contract to call them at any sign of injury or illness but as Sam looked at you, other than looking tired, you seemed to be fine and still joking with him. Finally, he gave you a simple nod and you couldn't hold back the thankful sigh. “Do you mind if I go back to sleep for a little while longer or do you need me for anything?”

“You’ve been sleeping a lot recently”, he stated his earlier point again.

“What, so I’m not allowed to nap now?” you teased him with a subtle smile, hoping to crack his worried exterior. It only half worked as he shook his head to himself, standing up and pulling the fluffy blanket that had been left behind you on the couch and throwing it over your body. Before you could even thank him though, sleep had stolen you back into its resting state. 

Sleeping for a few more hours, Sam was nowhere to be seen but he usually liked to check the perimeter ever so often and speak to the other guards so you weren’t worried about his whereabouts. As you shuffled to the kitchen, you couldn’t tell if you felt any worse or better after all the sleeping, haven’t wasted another day feeling sorry for yourself, you tried to snap out of it by glancing through the refrigerator and cupboards and deciding to ssurpriseSteve and Bucky with a romantic meal.

The house was soon filled with delicious scents of sweet and savoury as you’d baked and were in the process of cooking their dinner. You were in your own little world and had only stumbled a handful of times with dizziness and the headache that was building was currently mild in comparison to others you had, it was fine you determined to yourself

Still lost in your own thoughts, you hadn’t even heard the front door open as you were suddenly enveloped by a muscular chest and arms, a smile aching your cheeks as you nuzzled back into Steve’s body. His lips danced over your cheek and down your neck as he held you close, the roughness of his beard comforting. “I didn’t hear you come in”, you commented, turning your head slightly to chase after his lips, sighing deeply in your chest as he held you tighter for a second, hands dipping beneath your shirt at your waist so that he could feel the warmth of your skin.

“I did shout”, he revealed whilst moving back to neck, not to kiss but just to smell you in, his body almost melting into the floor as he felt at home with the familiar scents. “I’ve missed you”, he whispered against your skin.

Goosebumps instantly flooded over your body as you shivered, turning in his arms to hug him properly, your fingers scratching through his hair that was beginning to curl at the ends where he’d allowed it to grow out over the winter months. “I’ve missed you too”, you whispered against his lips, lazily kissing and breathing each other in.

“Come with us tomorrow, I want you to be near me”, he admits with words that were making you cling to him harder.

You wanted to say yes and the word was on the tip of your tongue but then your thoughts drifted to the soup coming. “I’ve got a delivery coming that I can’t miss, I’m sorry”.

“The guards can get the delivery”, he counters.

“It’s fresh soup I want it whilst it’s hot”, an embarrassed smile finds its way to your lips as he leans his forehead against yours, his eyes closed as he just enjoyed the moment of the two of you being together.

“Soup? But we could order that to the office if you wanted it, you know that’s no issue”. 

You pout dramatically, hanging off his neck as you whisper with a childish tone, “But it won’t be the soup that I’ve ordered and want”.

Steve rolls his eyes but you know he's being playful, he could never find a reason to be upset with you. Rolling back his shoulders, he stands back to his full height, opening his eyes to cup your cheek with his massive hand but this was when he took you in and a frown dawned on his face just like it had on Sam’s. “Are you feeling ok?” The hand on your cheek moved towards your forehead, expecting to feel a temperature but it felt normal.

“I feel great”, you say with as much cheer in your tone as possible, still holding onto his neck but mostly because another wave of dizziness had rushed through you and you needed some support to stay standing.

Steve didn’t seem convinced, “You just … look a little off”.

You playfully rolled your eyes, similar to how he had just done, “Wow thanks Steve”.

“You know I didn’t mean it like that”.

“I know, I’m joking, I’m fine - really, it's nothing to worry about”. He eyes you and doesn’t fall for your grin so you tried your next trick up your sleeve. Leaning on your tip toes whilst pulling his face closer, you whispered against his lips, “I love you, Stevie”.

The tension momentarily eased from his shoulders as his grip around you tightened, “I love you too”.

“Sorry to interrupt your love fest but I want my own loving”, Bucky broadly announced from the entrance of the kitchen where he was leaning against the wall with his arms crossed, a twinkle of mischief in his blue eyes however as you pulled back from Steve and he could finally see your face, the happiness seeped from his face. “Woah, what happened? Are you ok?”

You gave a frustrated huff, finally releasing Steve’s neck as you pointed in the direction of the decorated table. “Right, both of you go and sit down before I decide you don’t deserve any food for being mean”.

Steve shuffled away first as you continued to cook the food, Bucky looking ashamed as he came over and kissed your cheek but before he could pull away, you quickly captured his lips in a kiss to show you’d been playing before and weren’t upset.

“Why are there only two plates on the table?”  Steve questioned as he took a seat.

Without looking over your shoulder at him, you casually answered, “I’ve already had mine, I wasn’t sure when you were both going to be home and I didn’t want to wait”. They both seemed to accept your lie and you happily sat with them as they ate, asking about how the deals were going. They both seemed to be agreed that they were sure to have contracts signed tomorrow and had even been able to pay off some of the international police so that shipping of the goods could occur. In truth, after the soup, you were not feeling at all remotely hungry and even the smell of the cooked food had turned your stomach over.

A couple of hours later, the three of you were preparing for bed. Steve is in the middle and you are to his right and Bucky is to his left. You and the mafia boss had been kissing deeply for a couple of minutes, his hands beneath your shirt, brushing against your breasts, rough fingertips peaking your nipples as you ground down on his thigh. You were soaked and he could feel the evidence of it as you weren’t wearing any underwear but the longer the touches and kisses went on for, the more you were feeling unwell.

As his teeth tugged on your bottom lip and he began to trail open-mouthed kisses over your jaw and down your throat, you noticed Bucky was doing the same thing but to Steve’s neck from behind. However, there were two Bucky’s instead of one as your vision swayed and it felt as if you were on a water bed with how unsteady you felt. The headache was close to a full-blown migraine as well now which only continued to make you feel nauseous so even though there was nothing more you wanted than to continue where this intimacy was leading but, for once, you had to stop it.

“Wait, just- just one moment”, you pushed against Steve's shoulders at the same time. The blonde's hold on you loosened as he moved his face back to look into your eyes but you’d closed them, trying to hide your face from him and Bucky who had also sat up further to check on you. “I just- sorry I’m tired and I… I’m not sure- sorry.. I don’t think-”.

Steve’s fingers tipped your chin up to look at him as he smiled softly down at you, “If you don’t want to do anything, we don’t have to. If you’re tired then I’ll just hold you close, ok? Please don’t apologise for not wanting any of this”.

You relaxed in his arms, feeling grateful for him but also bad that you could feel how aroused he was against your stomach. “Thank you. I’m just feeling so tired today. Please don’t let me stop you both, continue without me, I just want to go to sleep”.

“You don’t have to give us reasons why you don’t want to do it, baby, we’ll do whatever you want to do. Me and Buck don’t have to fuck if you want to be held, I don’t want you thinking we’re neglecting you”.

Affection and love warmed your heart as you kissed Steve’s lips and then reached over his shoulder to kiss Bucky. “I love you both but seriously please continue, I like watching you both anyway so that’ll satisfy me enough if I’m not asleep by that point anyway”.

They both gave their love back to you with praises and pecks to your face before rolling away from you and beginning their exploration of each other's bodies. You watched with a smile on your face for a couple of moments and your core ached with need but as a burst of pain pounded through your temple, your eyes shut automatically to help ease the pain and from there, they never opened again as sleep took you soon after.

The next morning, your migraine had gone but your entire body felt weak and drained of any energy. Steve and Bucky took one look at you and determined that they’d be working from home, wishing to remain near you but they still needed the comfort of their home office upstairs whereas you remained downstairs, pretending to watch TV.

Somehow, you had continued to hide your seasonal illness, they just thought you still looked peaky. Today was the worst you’d felt so far, even having to use the wall as support whilst walking around the home, silently coughing into cushions so that the boys wouldn’t hear upstairs and this only increased the sharp pain shooting through your chest.

At lunchtime, Sam came over to visit and found you at the table in the kitchen, head lying against the table top as you dipped in and out of sleep. You were too tired to even pretend to joke and thankfully for once he didn’t pester you with being unwell, especially knowing Steve and Bucky were home, he assumed they had seen how bad you were so he just sat next to you at the table, easing his hand under your head so you had some comfort against the hard surface.

Soon after, Rafael knocked on the front door with your soup delivery. Usually h,e would stay at the door, never coming into your home but Sam insisted that he come out of the cold and deliver the soup to you in person.

“Yay!” you croaked, reaching out for the warm container, seeing the soup within and seeing that it was a deep red colour today, possibly tomato.

“I didn’t know you cooked, Rafael”, Sam noted, taking his seat next to yours once more as the new guard stayed standing at the head of the table. Other than Natasha, Sam was the lead of the security and guards and technically Rafael’s boss.

“Oh yeah, he used to be a chef”, you explained to Sam, whilst opening the lid of the container, smelling the delicious food and confirming your theory that it was tomato soup.

“Chef? I didn’t know you worked as a chef”, Sam remarked with a frown, eyeing Rafael with confusion as he’d been the one to complete the job interview and didn’t remember seeing chef on his CV.

Rafael casually shrugged his shoulders, looking somewhat tense at the questioning but still forced a smile to his face to please his boss. “I didn’t think it was relevant to the job, to be honest”.

“We’ll have to get you on the bbq when the weather perks up, maybe that’ll stop the arguments between Steve and Bucky”, Sam mused over the thought.

You tried to chuckle but the exhaustion had you slumping against the table as you mumbled, “I feel like shit”.

Sam tensed next to you, “Maybe we should call a doctor. You know, I’m surprised Steve and Bucky aren’t down here right now looking after you, do they even know how bad you’re feeling today?”

“Wait, they’re both here?” Rafael asked Sam but he ignored him, his focus solely on you.

Once again you’re too tired to think of an answer and shrug your shoulders, turning your head to look up at Rafael, “I think the fairies like me too much”.

“Fairies?”, Sam questions thinking that you’d become delirious.

You smile genuinely to Sam, reaching to tap his shoulder, “Inside joke Sam, keep up”.

There was no further discussion of fairies as more hacking coughs ripped through you. It took a couple of moments and Sam rushed to get you a glass of water before you slumped back against the table in exhaustion.

“Why don’t you have the soup and then see how you’re feeling later? Maybe the rest is all you need”, Rafael suggested, filling the silence with his voice.

You couldn’t see it but Sam gave his employee a scathing look, “Rest is all she’s been doing. I’m calling the doc and then I’m going upstairs to tell Steve and Bucky”.

“Aren’t they busy?” Rafael continued to question Sam. “I’ve heard they’ve got that deal coming up from Italy and France, they might appreciate it if you wait a little bit before calling Doctors”.

Sam’s voice was quiet and stern but you were too tired to notice. “That’s not common knowledge, how do you know that?”.

Massaging your temples with the pounding thuds that hadn’t stopped since your coughing fit, you decided that Rafael was right, usually sleep made you feel better. Reaching for the soup one more, you opened the container as you addressed your bodyguard, “he’s right Sam. I just need today for all the work stuff to be over and then I’ll call the doctor. The boys don’t need any distractions, especially today, one more day isn’t going to kill me”.

Sam didn’t look happy as you began to idly sip on the thick, delicious soup. As you thanked Rafael for the meal, Sam finally looked back to him, his frown deep and unmoving as he asked, “Don’t you have work to do?”

Rafael’s spine straightened, “Oh yeah, right. Sorry, sir” and with that, he left to return to work.

“You don’t have to be so bossy you know, he’s just trying to help”, you tried to reason with Sam.

However, your friend ignored you and moved to hold your hand to pull your attention away from the meal and towards him. “I’m giving you until the evening, wait no- if you get any worse before the evening, I am calling the Doc, no arguments, understand?”

“Yes sir”, you say with a little salute.

Finishing your soup, your boyfriends finally came downstairs and you attempted to straighten your posture and plaster a fake smile on your face. Bucky paused in the entryway, sniffing the air and asking, “What’s that smell, I know it's from somewhere but can’t put my finger on it”.

“Is it my soup?” you say, trying to stand up and act like the floor was spinning beneath you.

“No, it’s not that”, he pondered, still looking around and trying to smell whatever he recognised but couldn’t pick it up again. Steve and Bucky both walked past you, kissing the back of your head as you casually explained that you were going to lie down for a little bit. “Wait, let me come with you-”, Bucky started but you held out your hand to stop him.

“You’ve got a busy time at work and I’ve got Sammy boy here anyway so you two continue with your work and we’ll have a nice evening in, Ok?”

“Yes Ma’am”, he mutters before continuing to make his lunch. It wasn’t often that he listened to your instructions but both men were so busy and overwhelmed with work and the consequences that could come from it all that they were all over the place.

The next hour passed by slowly and you didn’t manage to sleep even for a moment because your symptoms were making you feel so awful. You were wheezing so bad that each breath felt like you were suffocating, your eyes began to roll with how much the room was spinning and a violent tremble rocked through your entire body, you didn’t feel right, something was wrong and it was beginning to scare you.

“Sam?” your voice was nothing more than a rasping whisper but he still was able to hear you from where he had been on the phone with the doctor from across the room, having noticed your deterioration in health. He was kneeling by your side in a couple of broad steps, the phone balancing between his cheek and shoulder as he rested a hand on your temple, feeling your spiked temperature. “I don’t feel good”, you admitted, voice full of terror before more coughs ruptured through your chest, leaving you struggling to breathe.

“Steve! Bucky get down here right now!”

“No… no, I just need to sleep”, the fear had disappeared from your voice as you wished for the exhaustion to take you completely, hoping that in sleep you wouldn't feel the pain destroying your insides.

“Hey! No!  Don’t go t sleep, need you to stay awake for me, Doctor Banner is on his way but you can’t go to sleep”, Sam urgently tapped your face, rousing you from the sleep as Bucky had all but jumped down the entire flight of stairs at the shouting.

“What’s going on- What the fuck? Doll?” he replaced where Sam was so that he could continue to explain to the doctor what was happening.

“I’m just not feeling ok, it’s fine Bucky go back to work”, you were somewhat delirious, still not really opening your eyes but leaning into the coldness from Bucky’s hand as he cupped your face. Bucky looked to Sam for answers, his eyes bright and alert with fury and worry.

When Sam shrugged his shoulders, not having any answer as to why you were suddenly so unwell, Bucky quickly turned back to you and assessed your deteriorating health and noticed just how laboured your breathing had become. As he spoke, it was with surprising gentleness but still held authority, “I need you to take a deep breath for me, honey, I want you to try and fill your lungs with air”.

“I’m trying, it’s just seasonal illness, it’ll be ok”.

“What are you talking about?” Bucky asks, not letting go of your face but just moving in closer.

“It’s just seasonal”, your words began to slur as you became incoherent.

Steve finally descended the stairs with just as much purpose as Bucky as he demanded to know what was going on but Bucky couldn’t answer him as he continued to talk to you and keep you awake. “It’s not seasonal, you’re not breathing properly, it’s not-”. Bucky was leaning so close that he was able to smell your breath and he froze, it looked like he now wasn’t even breathing.

“What is it Bucky?” Steve demanded, kneeling next to him and reaching over to take your hand but also feel your pulse, which only made his own increase with worry.

Bucky leans closer and smells your mouth again, so close that you tried to move away as his nose nudged your lips. “What did you eat?” Bucky asked in a tone that forced your eyes to open with concern.

“Huh? Um just my soup”, you say whilst blinking quickly as he still wouldn’t come into focus.

“Soup? Where is it? Where’s the container?” before you could answer, he was on his feet and running into the kitchen as Steve continued to demand answers from his boyfriend, his hand now moving from your wrist to directly over your heart, continuing to count the beats.

Bucky cursed so violently that it actually made you shrink into the cushions but the movement only made you cough more and chest tighten as you struggled to breathe. He returned to the room, his face a deathly white and green shade as he uttered just one word: “Hemlock”.

There was just one brief second where not a body in the room breathed or even moved, one single second to process the poison that Bucky had spoken, the planet that he only knew about because of his time as the Winter Soldier and using it on his target. The poison that he could now smell on your breath, that originated from your container of soup.

It was Sam to speak first, Sam to snap the two men out of their frozen states as he gave the orders from Doctor Banner who had heard the word over the phone. “We need to get her to a hospital right now”.

Steve picked you up, and his entire body began to tremble with adrenaline and fear as no one even stopped to properly dress for the snow outside, only putting their shoes on before rushing to the car. Sam thankfully was able to use the adrenaline to remain headstrong as he climbed into the driver’s side of the car so that Steve and Bucky could both hold you in the back seats and try and keep you awake.

You were lying with your head in Steve’s lap with your body lying across Bucky’s as they clamped their arms around you as makeshift seatbelts. You had heard the word that Bucky had said and even though you knew what it was, you didn’t want to believe it, even as you continued to feel worse. “It’s not poison, it’s just soup”.

However, those words triggered something within your throat and once more you were coughing so hard that you thought you were going to vomit and cringed as metallic warmth filled your mouth and leaked out of the corner of your lips.

You slumped onto Steve and Bucky, head lulling back but Steve was quick to grab your face, tapping it and forcing you to stay awake, “Baby don’t go to sleep! Please stay awake for me! Stay with us, we’ll be at the hospital soon, I promise”.

You were scared, even though you were half-conscious, you were terrified now realising the severity of the situation, knowing that you were coughing up blood which was now soaking the front of Steve’s shirt and hearing how panicked your boyfriends were only made it worse. Through all the scary, dangerous times in your life, they always remained calm and in control but now they were both frantic and frightened. 

As all three men continued to plead with you to stay awake, you forced yourself to open your eyes, only allowing yourself the luxury of blinking occasionally as you kept looking into Steve’s ocean-blue eyes. With his body and face so close to yours, you used him to ground you in the situation, trying to copy his breathing which had slowed since you’d opened your eyes; ignoring the pain from the breaths and resisting the urges to cough even though blood continued to fill your mouth.

“Am I going to die?” you whisper, not being able to ignore the questions now in the back of your mind anymore.

Steve’s breath hitched for a second before he tried to confidently whisper, “No, you’re not going to die”.

You didn’t believe him, especially as the trip to the hospital was delayed by the snow, every second feeling like it could be your worse, you didn’t want it to end like this.

“I love you.”

“You’re going to be ok, just keep looking at Steve, keep breathing”, Bucky pleaded, squeezing your freezing cold hand.

“Please, just say it back”, your voice was hardly audible anymore as your mouth was so full of blood.

“Stop talking and save your energy for when you’re feeling better”, Bucky tried to keep his composure but you knew he was close to snapping.

Your breaths were wet and laboured, wheezing so violently it rattled and echoed around the car but you still managed to plead, “Say it back-”.

“I love you, I love you so fucking much, please don’t leave me, baby”. Steve snapped first, his eyes were wide, fearful and yet beautiful with how stark the blue was as his eyes filled with tears, leaking down his cheek and into his beard.

You were thankful, for both of them, for everything and you wish you could have told them, wishing that you could have heard Bucky’s own declaration of love and adoration for you but the pounding of your heartbeat became so loud in your head that you couldn’t hear anything anymore.

But you continued to hold on, never once looking away from those pretty eyes of Steve’s as Sam finally screeched to a halt outside of the hospital. Once more, Steve carried you and there was a flurry of people in different coloured scrubs suddenly surrounding you as you were placed onto a cold bed.

One moment you were staring into Steve’s eyes and the next you were looking up at a stranger and the comfort you’d once felt, the thing that was grounding you to life was now gone and you couldn’t find him again, no matter how much you moved on the bed, even as the strangers poked and prodded at your body until you couldn’t deal with it anymore and finally closed your eyes.

Do you ever have those naps where you wake up and forget where you are, or what time or day it is? That was currently how you felt except the added sensation of floating encompassed your body as well. The only sort of normality felt throughout your body was a cool feminine hand stroking across your temple in a soothing, repetitive manner.

Your toes wiggled firstly and then your eyes behind your eyelids and even though you knew who was stroking your forehead, you still croakily asked, “Steve? Bucky?”

“It’s just me Sugar” Natasha sounded calm and peaceful as her fingers didn’t stop with their soothing motions. “The boys are going to be so pissed that you’re awake before they’ve got back”.

You huff and dared to open your eyes, grunting at the brightness of the room but thankfully your eyes adjusted and only one, still, Natasha smiled down at you. Seeing that you weren’t going to vomit or freak out, Natasha sat back in her chair, moving to hold onto your hand to give you some comfort. “You gave us a real scare”.

You thought back to everything that happened, some of it was a blur but most of it still played through your mind like a horror movie that you couldn’t look away from or escape. “Was I really poisoned?”

There was one thing that you appreciated about Natasha and that was her blunt honesty, not one to ever sugarcoat her words, “You were”.

“But… But how? I mean… the soup, Rafael, he wouldn’t-”. You stopped yourself talking, trying to envision all the interactions you’d had with him but only one thing repeated through your thoughts: Don’t trust anyone. That was one of the first rules Steve had taught you. “I don’t understand why? He seemed so nice to me, is his name even Rafael? Was everything a lie?”

“That’s what they’re just finding out. Apparently, the friend of a friend rouse was made up including his credentials, usually, our background checks are very thorough but he had some help to slip through the cracks”.

“Do you know what help he had? Who it was, I mean?”

Natasha for once seemed to think before she spoke which unnerved you, knowing that whoever’s name she spoke next wouldn’t be good news.

The monitor displaying your heartbeat began to beep as it increased with the dread that was settling through your body.

“All signs are currently pointing to Pierce”.

Your eyes closed as you tried to remember how to breathe. You knew about Alexander Pierce. Everyone did. He was ruthless and had plenty of finances and power to pay for his success but not only this, he had been one of the top employees of Hydra and usually in charge of the Winter Soldier. So yes, you all knew a lot about Alexander Pierce and his name was one to send fear through any of those involved in the Rogers mafia, even Steve.

As you opened your eyes again to look at Natasha, you could tell she wanted to tell you more but was holding the information to not panic you further but you needed to know. “Please just tell me whatever it is you’re not telling me”.

“We think he paid this guy to come and spy on Steve and Bbucky and it seems he put his sights on you. Specifically.. Because you’re their biggest weakness and it seemed like everyone knows that”.

Your face warmed with fear and anger, as fear prickled the corner of your eyes, “So what, now I’m not even safe in my own home?”

“That’s not-” Tasha began to lean forward in her seat but another voice cut her off.

“No, you weren’t safe in your own home”. Steve stood at your hospital room door, dressed casually in a black shirt and jeans, looking nothing out of the ordinary but his face was wrath of calm and anger. Your eyes snapped from him to Bucky who had looked just as serious but as your eyes connected with his, the hard lines of his face smoothed out into a weak smile.

The two of them step into the room as Natasha stands, informing everyone that she’d give us some space and guard the door.

You’re trying desperately to keep the tears at bay, to keep them from slipping and cascading down your cheeks, not wanting your boyfriends to feel any more guilt but as you took a deep breath in, a sob erupts through you and you can’t keep the emotions back anymore.

You attempted to hide your face with your hands, even with the added difficulty of having tubes and wires attached to the backs of your hands and the tips of your fingers. The realities of everything that had happened began to destroy any hope that you had. You’d nearly died, in your own home where you were supposed to be most safe.

Steve and Bucky sat on either side of your hospital bed, moving silently as they always did and with careful ease, gently took a hand each and pried them away from your face, stroking away any tears that continued to escape.

“I’m sorry, I just- I don’t know… It’s a lot”, you tried to give reason for your crying, even though it was unnecessary. Bucky tilted your face towards him, his voice was so soft and caring that it nearly made you sob with how careful he was being with you, “Don’t apologise for crying, I tell you this all the time, Doll”.

You offered him a wet giggle, taking a few deep breaths before rambling on with your anxiety, “I bet I look like a right mess right now, I don’t even know how long I’ve been asleep for”.

They let you calm yourself down before Steve praises with his low captivating voice, “You always look beautiful, no matter how much snot is on your face”. He smiles as he manages to make you laugh before he turned serious, “It’s been 5 days, baby”.

Your face drops, “5… I’ve been asleep for 5 days?!”

“You passed out when we arrived and when they could finally stop the bleeding you-”

“Bleeding?” you questioned, remembering you were bleeding from the mouth but it didn’t seem like that much.

“The poison you’d ingested that day was a higher dose and caused internal bleeding. After they were able to stabilise you, they needed to detox you from the poison and make sure your body was healing so it was safe to keep you asleep”.

You tried to process everything that Steve had told you, it felt confusing for you to have been through so much and yet feel such little pain in your body.

As if reading your mind, Bucky once again captivated your attention as he asked, “How are you feeling? Are you in pain?”

“No I’m not in any pain but I feel wrong like my body is floating in the water or something”.

“That might be due to the medications that they’ve got you on, they’re pretty strong Sweetheart”, his pet name helped to calm your disorientated mind, clinging on to the familiarity and focusing on the way both of their hands were holding yours and stroking tiny circles in your skin,

“Did you get the answers you wanted, from Rafael, or whatever his name is”.

Steve and Bucky shared a glance between each other but Steve decided to be the one to answer. “We got the answers, it was as Nat was explaining. Pierce wanted someone in the gang, spying and getting as close to us as possible and I guess they somehow managed to weasel their way in and tried to succeed with their plan to hit our weak spot”.

You took a deep breath to try and reduce the rising anxiety in the pit of your stomach before asking tentatively, “So what happens now? With Pierce I mean.”

“That’s a problem for another time, just need you to get better first”, Bucky interjected, lifting your hand to kiss the few fingers that were attached with clips or wires.

You tried to smile at him, wanting him to know how much you appreciate him but the feeling never met your eyes and this seemed to twist something in Steve and Bucky. Both of their demeanours changed, no longer were you looking at just your boyfriends but also the mafia boss and his second in command, mixing business with family.

Bucky began talking first, tone strong and husky, “This isn’t something we are taking likely. Sam’s already spent the last day and a half revisiting everyone’s past, making sure there are no other moles that have slipped through the cracks. No new faces are allowed anywhere near our home or you.”

As he spoke, you managed sure to nod your head and try to squeeze his hand in understanding. Steve shifted in his chair, capturing your attention as he continued the discussion. “You are safe and you should have been safe but we let you down, you were vulnerable when we weren’t there to protect you like we promised we would. We let you down, we broke our promise, we could understand if you didn’t want-”.

“Whatever you’re about to say you better forget about it right now”, you say sternly, heartbeat beginning to race on the monitor again as Steve’s mouth shut quickly with a snap. “The idea of being your weakness has always frightened me but, I could also be your greatest strength. I mean - Look at what you’ve been going just to protect the house, to protect me. I know you feel like you’ve let me down but I don’t feel let down in any way. Yes, of course, what’s happened is scary, especially in our home but I doubt it’ll ever happen again. They can try and tear us apart, they can try, but they won’t break us, they can’t break us. We have to remain on top ok? I always feel safe and trusted when I’,m with you both so please, don’t ever feel like I'm not because I am. I’ll always love you both, I’m not going anywhere”.

You sucked in air greedily after your short speech, the building emotions spilling freely everything you truly believed to the men beside you, not wishing for them to ever feel doubt for the relationship or how you felt.

Looking between them both, your heart sank as you noticed Bucky quickly wipe the corner of his eye. “I thought you said no more tears”, you spoke softly whilst trying to wipe away a stray tear.

“That’s before you decided to swoon me with your speech”, he quipped back, the light returning to his eyes once more as you laughed.

“I love you Bucky”.

“I love you, Doll”, standing from his chair, his metal hand stroked over the side of your face as he captured your lips with his, lingering for a few beautiful seconds before sitting back down.

Steve had lifted your hand during your speech and was kissing your palm and you reached out to stroke his beard, “I love you, Steve”.

He too stood, just as Bucky had but he kissed your forehead first, breathing you in for a moment before doing the same against your lips. “I love you too, so much baby”.

As Steve sat back down, your eyes began to feel heavy, all of the strong emotions exhausted you completely. “Will you both be here when I wake up? Not that I’m complaining about Natasha but she doesn’t spoon me like you both do”.

They both chuckle under their breath before Steve promises, “We aren’t going anywhere, sleep, Sweetheart”.

[babyleostuff]

Hi hi! Could you possibly write more angst? (Any member) Like the mini ones (?) Like fights/arguments and whatnot :)) w fluff at the end (or ending of your choice :P) thank you!!! Love your writing!! <3

fights with seventeen | OT13

I'm SO sorry about being so late with this, but I've been really busy with my exams and I didn't have that much time to write. But now that my vacation began, I'm going to catch up with my requests. Still, I hope you enjoy this one <3

☾₊ ⊹ currently playing: a glimpse of us by joji

𓆩♡𓆪 CHOI SEUNGCHEOL 

Of course you’d fight over small things, like in every relationship, but big fights are a very rare occurrence in your relationship. Seungcheol hates seeing you upset, so often those arguments will be over before they even begin. 

But if you got into a big fight, it would get loud and messy. Seungcheol is competitive and stubborn, so if he gets fixated on one thing it can be hard to change his mind about it. 

If you ever leave the house after a fight, he’ll become a worried mess. He'll call everyone he knows that you might have gone to and if none of them knows where you are he’ll be panicking massively. Don’t ever do that to him, no matter how angry you are at each other at that moment, he can’t stand the thought that you might get hurt and he will not be able to help you. 

Would never allow you to sleep on the couch after a fight and even if you’d do that, he’d carry you back to the bedroom. 

He’d blame himself for days if you ever cry during a fight, no matter whose fault it was, he’d always blame himself for making you cry. 

𓆩♡𓆪 YOON JEONGHAN 

Some fights would get you raising your voices at each other, but those types of arguments would be VERY rare and only happen if either of you were very tired or drained from any type of work or schedules. 

Normally, neither him nor you would be able to raise your voices at each other, the fight in itself was painful enough, you didn’t need any screaming or yelling. 

Both of you would try to explain your point of views, what you think the other did wrong or how they could improve themselves. You’d both be very respectful of each other’s opinions and never make fun or tease in situations like those. 

Even during the argument, he’d want to hold your hand or at least be near you. He’d still want to feel connected to you and not put extra space between you. After the fight he’d also stay near you, hug you a lot and never let go of your hand. 

𓆩♡𓆪  HONG JOSHUA 

Your fights would be very mature and calm. Surely, you would get frustrated and annoyed at each other, but never truly angry or furious. He would never even let you. 

You would resolve any of your arguments as quickly as you could, not even once thinking about giving each other the silent treatment. Even if he was away on tour, he’d try to talk to you as soon as possible or even text you, to let you know that he’d want to figure stuff out. 

Sometimes, especially if it was more of a small argument, he’d be petty and annoying with you, knowing how to push your buttons, to make you more frustrated. But he would never take it too far, he’d just simply want to tease you a bit.

Knowing that you need some kind of reassurance after a fight, he’d always hug you tightly, kissing the side of your head, where there would be no place for any teasing. He would be very gentle with you then. 

𓆩♡𓆪  WEN JUNHUI 

In the beginning of your relationship he’d have a bit of trouble talking things out, as he never knew whether you wanted space or not. He was always too scared to ask, since he didn’t want to make things even worse between you. 

With time though, you’d learn how to properly talk with each other about those kinds of stuff and your communication skills would only get better and better. 

Still, any fights that you’d have would be very calm and neither of you would raise your voices at each other. If, for some reason, you’d get so angry that you’d want to say some hurtful things, you’d just take a break and spend some time apart, trying to collect your thoughts and think about how to solve the fight without hurting the other one. 

The aftermath of any fight would be full of love and reassurance - warm hugs and sweet kisses. 

𓆩♡𓆪  KWON SOONYOUNG 

He’d get so emotional the second he figured you were actually having a fight. Especially during those big fights, that happened once in a blue moon, but still. He would be so torn, because on one hand he’s angry with you, but on the second IT’S YOU, how can he be angry with YOU? 

He would probably say whatever came to his mind, not really paying attention to what was coming out of his mouth, which sometimes would do more harm than good. He would apologise right after he released what he’d said, and I'm sure he'd keep on apologising for the next few days, feeling extremely guilty. 

After the argument, he would want you to hug him and keep him close to you, letting him know that you’re not upset with him anymore and that you still love him. He would also be clinging to you even more, trying to find comfort in your arms. 

𓆩♡𓆪   JEON WONWOO

He is usually quite silent during your fights and you’d be the one who does most of the talking. He’d just simply nod to everything you say and share his view when you’re done. 

Never raises his voice at you, no matter how angry or frustrated he is with you. Even after a tiring day, he’d listen to all of your complaints and try to work things out before going to bed. He can’t imagine sleeping without holding you in some way, and he knows that if you two don’t talk it out, you’d probably want to be left alone. 

It’s hard for him to actually apologise, but you’d know he’s sorry from his acts of service. The next day, after your fight, he’d be extra attentive to you, never leaving your side and constantly asking you if you need anything. 

If you’d ask him for space he, of course, would give it to you, but would feel so lonely without you by his side. He would even try to make your favourite dish to make you feel a little bit better and even though he’d fail massively, it would still make you all warm and fuzzy inside. 

𓆩♡𓆪  LEE JIHOON

Very calm, but you're not always capable of telling how he actually feels. He could be fuming inside, but you wouldn’t have known. A lot like Wonwoo, he would be mostly quiet, trying to figure out how he wants to express his emotions. 

Because he’s not great with dealing with his own emotions, he would have a bit of a hard time explaining his point of view on whatever you were fighting about. Still, he would be grateful that you were so understanding, even in such a situation.

If you’d want to take the couch, he’d let you. But, sometime during the night, he would come out of your bedroom with an extra blanket to tuck you in and make sure that you’re comfortable. 

The next day he would be very attentive to you, but in a silent way. He’d try to make you breakfast, do the most important chores for you, help you out in any way that he could. 

𓆩♡𓆪  XU MINGHAO 

Any fights or arguments with him are very calm. Even though he sometimes wants to scream out in frustration, he never does that. He knows that screaming at each other won’t help out in any way. 

His top one priority is to talk it out as soon as you both are ready, without getting more upset with each other. He just wants to get it over with and get back to normal. 

I can see him holding your hand while you talk it out. He wants to stay connected to you and give you a kind of reassurance, that even though you're upset with each other, he’s still there for you and loves you no matter what. 

The night after a fight is kind of silent. But not uncomfortable. You’re just very soft and careful around each other, not saying much, but still being in each other’s presence. You cuddle closely that night and exchange some comforting kisses as apologies. 

𓆩♡𓆪  KIM MINGYU 

Will either behave like a diva and drama queen or like a pouty child. It all depends on the situation, on whose fault it is and how emotionally he’s feeling. If he’s drained and tired, he won’t have the energy to fight with you and would want to resolve it as quickly as possible. 

But, when he’s feeling like the usual him, the fights tend to get a bit bigger and emotional. He is stubborn, to the point where he’ll keep fighting with you even when he knows he’s wrong. Will constantly side eye you and sigh time and time again. 

If he ever sees that you're getting really upset about the fight he will stop, though. There is nothing worse for him than seeing you so drained and sad and he’ll even apologise first, even when it’s your fault. He just doesn’t want to let such petty and little things come in the way of your happiness. 

Even when you fall asleep still a bit angry with him, he’ll still cuddle you (or he would be touching you in some way, he just has to). 

𓆩♡𓆪  LEE SEOKMIN 

I’m sorry, but there is no way you could have a big fight with this man. The second he sees you getting upset or angry over something he has done, he’ll talk to you immediately.

Can get a bit emotional during fighting sometimes, but he never does that to manipulate you in some way. He just can’t stand the fact that you’re actually upset with each other.  

Never raises his voice at you, never gets petty with you, NO silent treatments whatsoever. He doesn’t understand how someone can ignore their partner when they're upset with them. Why not simply talk things out and get back to normal?  Every second spent on fighting, means less time to spend it on how you’re actually meant to spend it - happy and having fun! 

Will always gives you a lot of hugs and cuddles after a fight, maybe not necessarily to cheer you up, but to reassure himself that you’re not going anywhere and to let you know how much he appreciates you. 

𓆩♡𓆪 BOO SEUNGKWAN 

So dramatic. So petty. So over the top. 

He would be rambling non stop, not letting you speak. He would let out all of his frustrations and annoyances in no time, it would leave him almost breathless. After that, he’d listen to you and do his best to understand your point of view. 

Big fights wouldn’t really happen in your relationship, as both of you would get too emotional and start crying and apologising upon seeing each other's sad faces. Still, you’d talk it out and never leave an argument unresolved. 

He’d need reassurance after any kind of fight, big or small. It would make him worry that you might want to take a break from him or even break up and that’s when you’d have to tell him that you’d never leave him because of a silly fight. 

After one of those silly small fights, you’d laugh about it afterwards, realising how stupid you both were to fight over something so insignificant.

𓆩♡𓆪 CHWE VERNON 

He’d be very logical and reasonable during any of your fights, though I can’t really imagine any big fights happening between the two of you. You’d try to avoid any conflicts and always talk things out before they escalate. 

If, for any reason, you’d want to sleep on the couch, he’d tell you to sleep in your bed and that he’d take the couch instead. You’d probably wake up sometime during the night and walk out to the living room wrapped in a blanket, laying down next to him. 

There are no silent treatments with this dude, he’ll never let you ignore him when you’re angry. As passive as he usually is, he just can’t stand you ignoring him, especially when he doesn;t know what he has done to upset you. 

Usually, you watch a movie after a fight to calm yourselves a bit and give  each other some time to think, but still be in each other's presence. 

𓆩♡𓆪  LEE CHAN 

Please don’t fight with him. He’s always so soft spoken with you and it doesn’t change even when you fight. He absolutely hates fighting with you - hates the fact that he can’t hug you, hates that you’re angry and upset. He’ll do everything to make it right again. 

There is a big chance that he’ll even cry during a big fight, especially when you both say things that you don’t really mean. He’s already mentally tired from all his schedules and he can’t stand the fact that he can’t find comfort in the person that he loves the most. 

Similarly to Seungcheol, he will never let you take the couch and will never let you leave the house. He’s simply too scared that you might leave him or that something might happen to you and he wouldn’t be able to cope with that. 

Even when you fall asleep still angry with each other, during the night, you’ll find your way back to him, cuddling into him. 

[neptunes-sol-angel]

Just a little reminder that everyone has a feminine and masculine side, so don't hesitate to read the messages for your masculine side too.

Paid Services | Botanica | Tip Jar

Pile One 🕺

BEYONCÉ - COZY

Right away, I’m detecting that this pile is trying to work through some bitterness and that’s ok. I get the gist that this collective is aware of this and are either accepting of it or in denial of it because of the assumption that it’s embarrassing or demeaning to feel that way. I always want to remind people that it’s okay to feel negative emotions. Having them is not what defines you but how you choose to express them is how it truly characterizes you. It feels like this brooding energy is like a seesaw or a visual representation of tug of war, because it’s happening in two different directions. This pile could be in limbo with trying to reach the other side of realizing your self-worth. There’s bitterness split into two directions. Acerbic agony over “why not me?” in terms of finding people who accept and match the love that you give to others and “why me?” when it comes to jealousy and vitriol that makes you afraid of your own potential for success and dim your light. What your feminine side is asking of you is to stop watering yourself down because you feel it’s safer that way to be under others. Take note of the vibe that you get from this channeled song because it’s time to get “cozy” with who you are and take some initiative in the lessons that you’ve been through by talking your shit. You sat with your pain long enough to know its beginning but to finally decide how YOU want to create its end. If you’re in a funk where it’s making you feel meek and want to self-sabotage, reach deep inside yourself to know that the answer isn’t to revert back to old patterns and lies that people told you to keep you stuck because they don’t want to see you grow. Get cozy with yourself because you must understand that every step of the way isn’t going to be comfortable all of the time but I feel that a lot of you are at a point where things are getting worse before they get better. It could be something external going on, but I feel that it’s mostly mental. You’re going to come out of this even stronger than before and you’re going to move differently and choose differently but also get an upgrade relating to speech. How you talk to yourself will improve, you’ll speak with more confidence, and your words will match exactly with your feelings when it comes to communicating with others. The main thing that I am seeing here is no longer trying to make accommodations that make you suffer in the end just to protect another person’s ego.

Pile Two 🕺

BEYONCÉ -MOVE

I’m sensing a lot of completion with this pile. If you’re not in this new energy yet, prepare for people making a lot of misconceptions about you. You could be accused of being aloof or have people nitpicking or trying to diagnose you based on little to no evidence. It doesn’t have to be this exact situation but what I first would like to point out is that it’s like, you’re floating down this river, unphased, and just flowing with the currents. Or that you’re water itself, becoming mutable with your form but regardless of what changes are made, you’re still water. If you’ve experienced intense feelings over people ghosting you or just not prioritizing you in the past, I’m seeing that you’ll be at a stage where you understand that what those people did wasn’t at all right and you’re no longer internalizing it with your thoughts and actions, but in other words, you’re not going to be that person anymore that’s waiting for a text. You’re not going to wait for people to act right, wait for other people’s approval, or postpone your life for people who like to play with your time. I’m getting the message that you shouldn’t stop yourself from doing whatever it is that you think about doing because “they will talk about you either way”. This could apply to promoting yourself in some way, maybe for a new job opportunity, or just taking a chance to improve your health. You may have anxiety of thinking that maybe there’s no point in trying to see what you can do for your body because you’ve been stagnant for years because of circumstances that weren’t really in your control, like finances or being dependent on a toxic parent. This could also be something else, but either way it’s like you’re afraid of what you could hear, possibly something negative or even just a “no”, but I’m hearing you can’t make that judgment without trying, because you might actually receive a yes, assistance in getting back on your feet again, or good news about your timing in getting something done before you could miss out on what’s important.

Pile Three 🕺

BEYONCÉ - CUFF IT

A rebirth is needed for this pile. There’s a lot of indulgence that feels mindless and endless because you’re seeking to satiate a need or needs but there are people who are already aware of this but are in need of confirmation for which way is the right direction to go. It’s about experiencing everything for the first time all over again. Not in a dreadful way to make you suffer, but to soothe any worries over not finding happiness if you don’t have that “one thing”. If you’ve been tested recently on remaining brave in your decision to part ways with someone but are having second doubts or the fear that you’re going to miss out, maybe that “need” that you have can be replenished by just being around your family to remind yourself that you aren’t lacking love and support around you. If you’re feeling “sexual”, maybe it isn’t sex that you necessarily need and that it’s just your soul telling you to create. If you’ve been used to seeking answers through spiritual measures but are still left confused, then maybe that’s a sign that it’s time to step back and take a break from the unseen and to come back and relearn how to go through life from just being instead of trying to know everything. Even if it isn’t those specific scenarios previously mentioned, you’re on a journey of wisdom of learning that a lot of the things that you’ve considered as losses haunting your everyday life, were not really losses, because they can be replaced by something else that’s going to lead you into falling more in love with yourself.

[ickle-anthology]

I’d like to be optimistic and say this will be short and sweet, however it has grown increasingly apparent that I do nothing by half measures. I suppose if you’re going to do a job - do it properly. Go big or go home, right? 

I’m trying to learn how to set healthy boundaries, which is extremely challenging for an empath that feels everything as deeply as I do and has been through the things that I’ve been through. I suppose my need to people please stems from wanting to help and lighten the load in anyway possible for the people I care deeply about at the expense of my own peace. It’s even more unbearable when I have walked in their shoes with and know what it’s like when you have nowhere to turn to, unfortunately helping doesn’t always go the way I intend but at-least I can say I tried and gave it my all, and by doing so leaves my conscious clear and unburdened. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had my fair share of awful things in my life, some worse than others and some that have left lasting scars that I’m still sowing up- but I actually quite like me, however I acknowledge that there’s always room for improvement. I have a long list of things that I can’t change but would happily sell my soul to the devil to alter. I’m slowly coming to terms with the fact that some things aren’t meant to be changed and that no response is a response. Let’s be honest, you can’t be everyone’s cuppa tea otherwise you’d be a mug. 

You ever known what you needed to do but struggled to find the strength to do it? That’s the current predicament I’m faced with. The past few weeks I’ve had a lot of time to digest and reflect on the changes that have happened in my life - recent and not so recent changes. Up until recently, I considered myself to be a healed woman but I realise now that healing isn’t a linear path and the more I experience different things, the more I realise I’m still on that healing journey - and that’s ok, being honest with myself about it is probably the best thing I can do. I like to think I always look for best in people, that I can feel the good in them. But like with anything in this universe, there must be balance and everything that goes up, must come down eventually... I see the undesirable and distasteful flaws too, I don’t look at the world through a looking glass and I’m not as naive as some people may choose to believe. I have this uncanny ability to read people like books, and without a doubt my silence gets mistaken for an absence of knowledge, when it’s quite the opposite in fact. I’m a firm believer that you shouldn’t open your mouth and comment on something unless you know it’s accurate and have the ability to back it up. So with that statement, if you are on the receiving end of me opening my mouth about a subject, then prepare to be slapped with the unbias, and unadulterated truth - which as we know, can be more cold and callous than any lie. Everything I do, I do for a reason. I strategically and methodologically analyse every situation and every possible outcome of it so I am able to understand it but ultimately protect myself. One of my favourite quotes is that ‘the truth always prevails in the end’ and boy does it ever. 

It grows more evident the older I get that this ability I have to read people is an unconscious decision that stems from being hyper vigilant. It does present its problems though, like causing the feeling of being constantly stuck between the stages of fight, flight or freeze, it’s a blessing and a curse - one would say oxymoronic at its true core. Life has always been so black and white for me, and learning grey has been exhausting, both mentally and physically but truly worth it in hindsight. Im allowing colour to trickle back into my life slowly though and it’s given me the foresight to see the world (and the people in it) in a different light, just like a kaleidoscope. Up until a few years ago, I was always so sure of the person I was, but the past few years really made me question everything I know about people… myself included. I got hurt by people that I never thought were capable of the things they did, and lost people that I thought would be in my life indefinitely. Some things have become so deeply imbedded in my soul that they occasionally weep, so I guess you could say nothing ceases to surprise me anymore. I always say that I’m going to hope for the best and prepare for the worst but preparing for the worst has become somewhat of a ritual for me and I grow evermore cautious of hope with each passing day. 

Without a doubt, the biggest and hardest pill to swallow as of recent months has been that not everyone has a good heart just because I do. More importantly, just because I treat people with kindness, understanding and compassion, doesn’t mean I’ll receive the same treatment back. I’ve realised that over the past few weeks that it reflects more about them and their character, than it does me. Not everyone has the same moral compass as me, nor everyone has a big heart full of love like me and some people are only interested in saving their own skins - don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with protecting your peace. But there’s a difference between protecting your peace and remaining silent and then lying and stonewalling those individuals, especially when they try to communicate in a healthy way with you about a problem. We all mess up, but I think what’s important is owning your behaviours. It’s come to my attention that not everyone I’ve crossed paths with have spent the time looking at their own maladaptive coping mechanisms. They haven’t given themselves the respect to understand or recognise where the dysregulation stems from, and as a direct result from that, it allows for an inability to correct their behaviour at its root stem and be better in the future - so they are just stuck in the same cycles. I’ve realised that you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make them drink, and if this is the bed they chose to make then let them sleep in it. Theres nothing wrong with feeling emotions in that precise moment though and giving yourself time to sit in your grief, but I emphasise that no joy ever comes from wallowing in them for prolonged periods of time and there is a time where you will have to deal with those feelings and situations head on before they swallow you whole. 

I think for now I’ll enjoy sitting back, remaining humble and continue to people watch. They say time heals all wounds but I think time only gives us the ability to reflect and process those wounds. If we don’t deal with the monsters under our beds, and the damage they cause to ourselves and others, then they never really go away - they just get better at hiding by wearing a mask. Inevitably, they always trickle back in and just like clockwork, they always come full circle. Poetically, it’s always at the least desirable moment and before you know it, you’re weeping through the cuts you scrambled so desperately to bandage. The right path is not always the path with least resistance, we all know what we need to do but it’s just finding the strength to do it. You really do get back what you put into the universe.

[yuuuume]

househusband au headcanons

Shinji ver.

| 1 | 2 | ?

rating: safe for work

reader prons: they/them

Listen, if Shinji could have it his way, he’d still be playing the sax every night at the lounge he used to work at. Sure the pay was crap, and he wasn’t all that great of a musician, but he genuinely enjoyed his night job (because the man clearly needed a day job to get by), but things change, people fall in love, people have kids for Christ’s sake whether it’s planned or not. That’s just life for you, so welcome to Shinji Hirako’s, or should we say the new neighborhood stay-at-home dad. This happened because 1, he got married! Yeah, someone went up to that mysteriously cheap and swanky lounge one night, took a seat, had a drink or two, and said, ‘Damn, I want to marry that’. Who in their right mind would wanna do that? Aside from me and the Shinji fuckers. Not many, but hey, love is blind! So… yeah. This is his life now. Stinky diapers, a fussy firstborn, and a life full of mayhem to accommodate. Shinji absolutely doesn’t wish he was at work! Someone save him.

What he doesn’t realize is that he will come to love this more than any job in the world and that being there with his kid every step of the way is a privilege he was glad to experience for both himself and his spouse since they work very hard to keep the family fed, clothed, and housed despite working dreadful hours. Because of this, Shinji really tries to give it his all with this househusband gig, to not stress them out on their two measly days off of work on the weekends. The Hirako family is what I call the living example of surviving on each paycheck but despite that stress, they never take it out on their child nor deny them anything they may want or need. Shinji and his spouse try hard to be great parents and are successful, they just don’t know it yet. Just like any dad, though, they start at the very beginning, which is the entrance of their child into the world! Shinji was given a sweet baby girl and managed to take care of her fairly well when his spouse was on paid family leave as provided by their work. They could have taken extra time but the pay was too dangerous to live on for long without overtime hours and the family needed more to accommodate their newer, safer housing so off to work it was, and there began Shinji’s adventures with his newborn daughter.

To be honest, the new dad didn’t expect to do much since he hadn’t done so before but that reality came to a screeching halt when Shinji realized that 1. He was behind on laundry, and 2. His newborn had explosive- and I mean explosive- diarrhea. The kind that gets from the bum to the nape of her neck kind of explosive and she’s screaming her head off from the discomfort of her excrements. All is not well in the Hirako household the first week without parent 2 around to help and he’s quick to break down which is sad, not going to lie. Shinji is so overwhelmed by the lonely cries of his daughter, housework, managing expenses, and paying bills, that he kind of just breaks down that week. He feels like a terrible father, and an even worse husband once he realizes that he can’t even do what his mother and her mother had done and it was as if his daughter could understand his pain, that she finally let up on the crying upon behind held in his arms after cleaning her up. Shinji quite literally let out tears of relief at her silence and realized that all she wanted was to be held and loved by him. Pure Dad moments!

He took a lot of tips from various forums and mommy blogs, investing in regular skin-to-skin contact (despite the awkward clawing at his nips) as well as simply keeping his baby in a carrier wrap and her fussiness improves greatly! So much that Shinji can spend more time doing things he needs to, but will lie her down in the very expensive but effective baby swing as it mimics his movements well enough to keep her asleep for at least an hour while he completes more physically demanding tasks such as scrubbing the stove, mopping, etc. Now what you’re probably thinking is, Mia where’s the daily route? Or maybe, What about Dad friend!Kensei!? Well don’t worry, I’ll get to it, starting with Kensei. He and his spouse visited the Hirako’s with food in hand and young twins clad in matching outfits once the family of 3 had moved into the neighborhood as a welcome gesture. Least to say, the Hirako’s weren’t used to that as the most they’ve gotten before is a half-drunk man with pissed pants sleeping at their door. Ya gotta love the seedier parts of cities, amirite?

Those who came to visit after Shinji’s spouse returned to work were visibly surprised by his presence. He knew it wasn’t that common for men to practice this way of life but damn, he didn’t think it was that surprising when he informed a mother that his spouse was at work upon their rather concerned inquiry. The gifts of food for the new family eventually stopped as his daughter reached 1 month old, leaving him alone as not many wanted to schedule playdates or even a general hangout simply because he was a father. Kensei was the only person to extend an invite to his place as he swore the neighborhood mothers were like vultures and that he didn’t want Shinji’s daughter to be exposed to too many pathogens from the outside world all at once. Simply the teachings of a professional househusband that Shinji gladly accepted and modified to fit his parenting style much better.

Alright, so Shinji’s got one Dad™ Friend, the oh-so-trusty Kensei Muguruma at his side, but it isn’t often since the latter works at home. So what is a usual day at the Hirako Household? It starts a bit like this: A groggy Shinji rolling off the bed like he hadn’t slept all night… which is partially true. The baby has her days and nights crossed for a long while so Papa Hirako is up keeping her company for his spouse to get enough sleep for work. His first duty of the day is to get breakfast started and make sure his spouse's work clothes are set for the day. They’re very insistent that they can iron the clothes by themselves but Shinji does it anyway then moves on to perfecting a breakfast they’ve been eating almost every morning since the birth of the baby. Shinji tends to worry his spouse will get sick of it but they always comment on how much better he’s been getting, and how it tastes different every day (in a good way, of course). Kensei’s cooking tips not only benefitted Shinji, but his spouse too as the married couple would often cook meals together on the weekends to bond with each other.

Although the morning is the most tense time of the day, Shinji usually gets through unscathed with the baby slung to his chest, one hand feeding her a warmed bottle and the other feeding himself. He’d be lying if he said food never landed on the kid's head. Both he and his spouse find it funny, as it was the little things in life that made a difference in their day. With their little one back to sleep in the sling secured across Shinji’s chest, he kisses his partner farewell, waving them off before going back into the house to catch some extra sleep. He’s usually more energized after the nap and gets started on whatever needs to be done which is breakfast dishes, laundry, and any other daily cleaning. His little girl is just bordering 2 months at this time, so Shinji makes a good effort to stimulate her, jingling noisy toys, and talking about any and everything while being sure to listen for any cues that she’s had enough. She’s quite the talker just like her father, entertaining him as she attempts to form words that sound like pure gibberish. Shinji records countless videos daily just to capture her development, sending a few to his spouse to watch at work during their break since he isn’t much for showcasing his kid over social media.

At this age, Shinji’s special gal is developing well and for the most part, still on track with meeting her milestones. Everything is seemingly happy-go-lucky until he receives a call from the pediatrics office that she will need to be vaccinated. The appointment for said vaccination was for today, and since then Shinji believed he would face this with his spouse but sadly that wouldn’t be the case. The first-time father was more nervous than his baby but Kensei reassured him that everything would be fine, and to be a little more gentle as the injection site would be a little on the sensitive side. Shinji at least tried his best to stay calm but both he and his baby were left crying. Shinji only cried a bit when the doctor left the room, of course, the immense feeling of guilt was just too much for him. Regardless of their conjoined Hirako Meltdown, Shinji made everything better by getting her all swaddled up and offering a bottle of milk during the ride back home.

Should he need to go shopping, Shinji will typically do so with Kensei because they’re designated Dad Friends, and therefore must move together. Shinji gets into couponing to save a few bucks and makes an effort to clip any and everything he might find useful. He even gives Kensei coupons for the really expensive organic stuff he always buys and makes sure to give it to him on a near-weekly basis. When shopping, the father usually has the luxury of browsing through most aisles, shuffling among his many organized coupons to grab the right box of crackers. If Kensei tags along, he finds it a little more difficult as the mothers in the neighborhood tend to hover over his children when in reality they’re trying to score him. Some like to fawn over his little girl due to her chubby cheeks but nothing more ever comes after. He doesn’t mind shopping with Kensei, it simply feels as though someone is always breathing down his back and that's a very weird situation to be in, much less with his baby. The little one is almost always intrigued by the older babies she can see, giving a gummy smile. Kensei 100% thinks it's cute but won’t admit it. He cannot give those moms another thing to obsess over.

Once he gets home, Shinji tries to at least get the refrigerator items put away before settling on one of Kensei’s so-called “not complex” dinner recipes. He wouldn’t dare try grilled fish again as he once neglected to check on the food, leaving the dinner harder than concrete. They had to resort to food delivery although it hurt the couple's pocket but they made do. Shinji attempts the basic hamburger steak and surprisingly does well as this time he does not leave the kitchen for a single second, watching the meat sear in the pan and checking each steak with a meat thermometer for extra security. His spouse is usually not home until all of the last-minute cleaning for the day has been done so Shinji does well to keep the dinner he cooked nice and warm until their expected arrival. His spouse is reasonably tired by then but at least they get to eat with their husband, the baby either entertained or asleep not far. They are so grateful for Shinji and all that he does as they realize taking care of an infant solo is notoriously difficult. They thank him for the dinner, offering to co-wash the dishes before getting ready to wind down for the night. That is if their little one lets Shinji do so for long.

As Shinji’s little one gets older with time he tries to get into various hobbies that clearly don’t lean into his favor. Those include but are not limited to finger painting, as his little she-devil had a phase of painting on the floors and walls (thank goodness he got the washable kind), photography (she kept throwing the disposable camera at things she 100% should not have been throwing it at), singing (she grew a knack for screaming at the top of her lungs), and gardening. Shinji could never forget his toddler dousing the newborn plants with soap to get them clean. They ended up kicking the bucket that very week and never recovered. Needless to say, this papa has been through some shit the older his daughter has gotten. All those memories ended up in a scrapbook though, videos grew into compilations separated by year, and soon he’d be marking a 5th compilation.

She’d grown well into her striking blonde hair although it had the shape of her other parents, and her teeth were as showy as his but Shinji convinced her they were cool so she wouldn’t have to deal with self-esteem issues, and oh boy, did she have a lot to say. Shinji didn’t even have to teach her to talk either, she just up and started, then never stopped. Even though she may have her quirks, the mini Hirako acts similar to her father. She’s been aiming to nail every single one of his expressions and does so very well to the point no one questions whether or not he is her father. Despite that, she gets on well with Kensei’s twins, referring to them as her cousins and to Kensei as her uncle. Shinji’s daughter is happy that her cousins stayed back from kindergarten so she wouldn’t be lonely, and in turn, they helped their Uncle Shinji get his girl into a few hobbies before she entered school.

It was certain that Shinji did not want to let his little girl go to school, but his spouse enforced it, saying it could give him a break and that she’d have to go the following year anyway. It was tough on him as it felt like it was yesterday when she was just a swaddled newborn on the date of her arrival, so beautiful and sweet, craving nothing but the love and attention of her parents. She was still an angel that day, kissing her father on his cheek as she ran off to the school with the other kids. He promised himself he wouldn’t cry and did so to the best of his abilities as he got home. Shinji couldn’t help but slump onto the couch, staring at the framed picture of their very first family portrait. The one on his phone from this morning would soon make its way there too, having been taken outside their home, a simple photo of the family of 3 to commemorate her first day of school. Shinji was bored with nothing to do afterward, not even thinking about the possibility of having another child. It was too expensive, not to mention they wouldn’t have the space should it be a boy this time around. He’s left to sulk until noisy moving vehicles drive on by for a few days and he ends up outside checking out the new dad who gives both him and Kensei a bad vibe.

Mr. Sousuke Aizen and his little one.

do not steal or repost my works anywhere

© yuuuume

[cerise-on-top]

Hank with an Eldritch Horror Reader

Here's another thing I wrote two years back! It was an interesting concept which I really liked, so I actually really enjoyed writing this request!

Hank J Wimbleton was a grunt of many things, but not one to be scared unless he had a good reason to be. There were many things in this world he did not understand, you were one of them. Upon meeting you, his first instinct would have been to either fight or run away - who could blame him, it was all he knew. No matter how many times you reassured him that the very last thing you wanted to do was to harm him, he’d draw his weapon, uncertain of whether or not he should believe your words.

Once you show no resistance towards him whatsoever and simply restrain him using your powers or other methods, that’s when, thrashing around as much as he could, he would start listening. You may or may not have seen a grunt up close, but this was your chance to finally examine one. As you scrutinise him from every possible angle Hank realises that you were simply curious about his being and finally lowers weapon.

Your voice would likely hurt his head and freeze the blood in his veins, so you might have to resort to telepathy or speak through a marionette, if you can find one. Though, once Hank’s interest in you has been piqued, he’d be more than happy to find you one. A lot of people in Nevada seem to be redundant in the first place. Regarding telepathy: You will be able to have a two-way conversation with Hank like that, but, for the most part, he doesn’t think in words. Still, he can do so, if needed.

If you’re on the rather small side, he will make an effort to pick you up, or hold you, and bring you back to base. Depending on whether you can float or not, this might be rather difficult, but he’ll try. If you’re large, however, then he will simply “tell” you to follow him. As an eldritch being you could likely either change your form or scare away anyone in your path in the first place, so he doesn’t particularly worry about anyone being stupid enough to attack you.

Spend time with him, he’ll get used to you more and more and, eventually, grow a bond with you. Proud, he’ll show you to Doc so he can figure out what you are, but do not be fooled. Hank wants to know what you are to some degree too. Once comfortable with you and certain you won’t harm him, he’ll start observing you, touching you to some degree. See how you react, how you feel, how you are.

Despite your conversations being, for the most part, one-sided, Hank will ask you directly what you are and if you’re some form of eldritch deity. Since you’re an amicable creature he can’t exactly wrap his head around, it’s worth a try.

Although he would like to do so to some degree, he won’t take you with him on missions. It’s his way of saying “I care a great deal about you, I don’t want you to die or worse even if you are capable of defending yourself.” If you really insist on aiding him, he will let you, begrudgingly. But beware that he will have your back. In fact, having you around will give him a greater reason to fight and improve his overall performance. Though, it will also be a major stress factor to him if something were to happen to you, so choose wisely.

[affixjoy]

I just watched Star Trek: The Motion Picture and it was somehow better and worse than I expected?

My first and most important thought: the viewing experience was improved so much by having read @gunstreet’s very excellent fic The Promised Land. I highly recommend it!

Some things I loved:

💫 Bones! And his groovy little disco outfit! They really pulled him right off the dance floor and onto The Enterprise.

💫 Spock! And his dashing black cape. This feels like his Princess Di revenge dress moment and I’m not mad about it.

💫 Kirk’s face when Spock shows up. The angst and hope is just *chef’s kiss*

💫 Kirk changing into the skimpiest version of the uniform he can find the second he knows Spock is back. You know what he really wanted to wear was that low cut green one from TOS.

💫 The whole “This simple feeling” scene was really sweet and lovely. It was so good to see Spock come back to himself after that.

💫 The terror of it all. Watching those people get lost in the transporter beam felt more violent than any death on TOS. There was so much haunting tension!

💫 Just Bones in general. I don’t know guys, maybe I’m just in my Leonard McCoy phase but every time he was on screen I was 200% more interested in whatever was happening.

And some things I really hated:

💫 Those bland uniforms should be thrown in the incinerator. Where is the color? Where are the stupid (affectionate) little short black pants and boots? What is this sad beige nonsense.

💫 Just way too much spaceship porn. I get it, you have a bigger budget now and you want to compete with Star Wars or whatever. The art itself is great! But you could probably cut an hour of space views out.

💫 Where is my joy? Where is my fun? So much of this movie is grim and serious. Kirk is so SAD for most of it. I want more banter or something. I get that that probably wasn’t the tone they were trying to go for, but imo that’s such a big strength of TOS and they should have tried to liven things up a little. Put in an extra dash of wonder.

Overall I didn’t hate it, but I probably would have liked a heavily edited version more.

[elliewilliamsismommy]

you’re stuck with me

a/n: hey guys! so this definitely isn’t my best work but i figured i’d put out my first little fic so that you can get a sense of how i write :) totally open to suggestions and criticism… i’m always looking to improve my writing

warning: mental health issues, ptsd, depression, joel being alive (slay), smut, kind of public sex? orgasm delay, overstimulation, squirting, fingering, you eat ellie out like it’s your last meal… usual lesbian shenanigans yk

oh yeah btw i love sub ellie so we’re just gonna make this a thing just this once tehe totally self indulgent but i’m such a slut for whiny ellie

summary: you and ellie visit jackson after things have been weird between the two of you. dinner at joel’s, “sleeping” in his guest bedroom… you get the gist just read the damn fic

your life was fun on the farm. taking care of the animals and ellie, the both of you going on little hunting dates everyday, and coming home to the domestic lifestyle that you shared. it was a routine. but recently, things have been different. she’s quiet. she’s always asleep. not to mention that things have been lacking in the intimacy department, which is abnormal for your relationship. you both needed change.

so, you decided to force her to jackson for a week. which brings us to the current situation. sat at joel’s old oak dinner table with creaky chairs that squeak every time you breathe. ellie’s hand rests in yours reassuringly as you and joel catch up.

“so how are things here, joel?” you ask.

“well, it was a rough winter last year for us, as you probably remember, so we’re pretty much in recovery now. nothing too interesting. how about you two? how’s the farm? been keepin’ busy?”

“we always try, right babe?” you turn to face ellie after what felt like hours of small talk with your girlfriends lovely father. no response. you and joel make eye contact. you both know that something’s up.

“you okay, els?” you whisper in her ear. she drops your hand and stands.

“i’m tired. thanks for dinner joel” she says as you blankly watch her grumble up the stairs. you turn to joel with tears in your eyes.

“god, i’m sorry, joel.” your voice begins to break. “i don’t know what’s going on with her and i don’t know how to make it better an-“ a choked sob erupts from your mouth.

“hey! it’s gonna be okay. just talk to her. she’s ellie. she’s just stubborn. she loves you.”

“you’re right i’m just worried about her you know? this isn’t like her. she’s been distant and i don’t want to make things worse.” at this point the tears are flowing in an endless stream. you taste the salty sadness as it falls down your cheeks. you go to cover your face but knock over your water in the process, and the cold liquid spills all over your lap and on the table.

“god joel, i’m a mess. let me help you clean this up.”

“no, no. go talk to her. i’ve got it” joel explains as he gets up from his seat and pulls you into his arms. after a moment, he pulls away.

“are these goddamn tears on my shirt? go clean up, you sap” he laughs.

“yeah, yeah. i’m going” you chuckle.

you turn to the stairs and head to the room that you and ellie share. you knock on the closed door.

“ellie?” you call out.

“come in”

you open the door to reveal your drained girlfriend curled up in bed, with tears staining the pillow cases. without saying a word, you crawl into bed behind her and get under the covers. your hand travels to her bare hip and the other strokes her auburn hair. you lay there for what feels like an eternity, just breathing her in. breathing it all in. it pains you to see her so depressed.

“you know i love you more than life, right? and you can always tell me anything. i don’t want to pry and you don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to, but i just miss you and i wish you would tell me what’s going on.”

“yeah, i know.”

“and joel and i are worried. you don’t have to carry this all yourself. that’s why we’re together, so we can lean on each other and get through things together.”

“i know.” she turns to face you. she smiles for what feels like the first time in months.

“i love you…” ellie says, “too much. i’ve been having dreams - well more like nightmares - where you’re dying and i cant do anything about it. and it kills me to see you like that. it’s just my ptsd and my panic attacks are back and i don’t want to be a burden or bother you and i just want to be strong for you because i want to take care of you.”

“babe, you will never be a burden! i’m always here for you! it’s my job. we could have worked on it together. i’m right here, and i’m not going anywhere. you’re stuck with me.”

you pull her in closer and place a kiss on the tip of her nose. as you begin to pull back, her head chases yours, her lips longing for your touch. you close the gap between you, and you kiss like it’s the first time. soft, sweet. she tastes just like always. your body is on fire, and so is hers. her hands pull at the hair on the nape of your neck, attempting to get closer to you, if that’s even possible. your tounges tangle together and ellie climbs over you to straddle your lap, not breaking the kiss. your hands travel up and down her sides, brushing up against her cold skin below her tank top and above her underwear. she shudders under your touch and moans into your mouth as she begins to shift her hips uncomfortably over yours.

“els… what are you doing?” you say as you pull away from her lips, mostly for air.

“i miss you. i need you.”

“babe… joel is right downstairs. what if he hears?” you question.

“we’re just going to have to be quiet then.”

there she was. the ellie you knew. still in there.

“we? let me take care of you. i want to make you feel good” you explain.

you roll over so that you’re on top of her, and connect your lips with hers once again. you feel her legs start to close, so you shove a thigh between them.

“fuck-“ she whines.

“so desperate, els. i’ve barely even touched you yet and i can feel how wet you are through your underwear. my poor, poor baby.”

the friction of your jeans on her thigh makes her groan under your touch. she begins to rub herself against you.

“what do you want, baby?”

“i- i want you.” ellie responds, voice barely above a whisper.

that was all you needed to hear. you glide your hands from her cheek to her stomach, and slip a finger past the waistband of her underwear. you brush over her clit and she grabs your shoulders from how sensitive she already is.

“sorry. keep going” ellie begs.

you gather her slick onto your fingers and begin to circle her clit, causing her eyes to roll back into her head.

“oh my god” she whispers.

you gradually increase the pace, but it’s not enough for her.

“y/n- i need more” ellie whines.

“what do you say?”

“please, please i’ve been so good please i need-“ she is cut off as you slide a finger into her needy hole. her back arches and she lets out a loud moan. you quickly cover her mouth.

“you have to be quiet, els.”

“i’m sorry, i’m sorry. please move” she begs.

you start thrusting your finger slowly inside and out of her. gradually increasing the pace. you can feel her spongy walls clenching against your finger and sense that she still needs more. you remove your fingers and she groans, before you quickly shove two fingers back inside of her.

“that’s my good girl.” she nearly cums right then and there from the praise.

you pick up the pace and begin thrusting in and out of her sweet cunt at a pace that she can barely handle, and she starts to tighten around you.

“oh god, y/n. i’m gonna cum.”

“not yet ellie.”

“please let me cum. i cant do it.” she says a bit too loudly.

“yes you can. cmon pretty girl. wait.”

you press your thumb to her clit and her hips begin to grind into your hand. her eyes squint closed and her back arches as she releases around your fingers. you don’t let up.

“oh fuck. shit- y/n! it’s too much, please.”

“ellie i told you not to do that. i said wait.”

“i’m sorry, please”

your pace only increases. you hold her hand as you move your head down to her glistening cunt and begin to suck on her clit mercilessly. her hips jump at the touch and she squirms. your spit runs down her desperate pussy, mixing saliva with her previous release. you can tell she’s not going to last much longer.

“please… don’t fucking stop- god!”

“cum for me ellie. cum all over my face.”

her whole body tenses up and she orgasms for the second time that night. but this time is different. she soaks the sheets and your face.

“fuck!” she says with a broken voice as she squirts all over you. you lap up all that she released and cleaned her thighs with your tongue.

“you’re so hot, ellie.”

you grab a towel from the closet and beging to wipe her thighs and your face down as she starts to come back to reality. you brush the sweaty hair off of her face and pull her underwear back onto her.

“you okay?” you ask.

“i’m perfect” she says with a smile.

“i love you.”

“i love you too.”

[phanfictioncatalogue]

70k Masterlist

Advent Calendar 2018 (ao3) - Phantje

Summary: Phil struggles to find permanent employment as a teacher. His mother finds him a temporary position as a substitute which Phil knows he has to be thankful for, but stupid colleagues and not having a lasting impact on the children he teaches is not encouraging him to be thankful.

Dan loves his place of work. He loves the children he gets to teach. It's easy to live for his work only. However, with the arrival of a new colleague, Dan's carefully calibrate world loses its balance.

Alternate (ao3) - MySecretsX

Summary: In an alternate universe, the world is corrupt. Everything is going wrong. Everything has collapsed. There is nonstop war. Everything is wrong and nothing can stop it.

But how will the internet power couple Dan and Phil meet in this place?

Is it worth the risks, even their lives?

Antisocialites Watch A Wilting Flowers (ao3) - det395

Summary: Phil’s an emotionally attached and loving vet and Dan’s the drained receptionist with no dreams at the animal shelter who reconnect over the poor, hurt puppy dropped off. Dan’s boyfriend is their boss.

baby, if you wanna try (ao3) - sunflowerwitches

Summary: wearing jewellery doesn’t work in phil’s favour when he sees friends that he hasn’t seen in a while and they automatically assume he’s engaged. engaged to dan

Dandelions (ao3) - throughtheirsnoses (det395)

Summary: Phil returns to his small town after studying how to improve his power that lets him grow plants with his mind. Phil is anxious and struggling with the expectations put on him to grow new plant-based medicine and on top of it all, his childhood best friend, Dan, gets his heart broken and turns to Phil as a rebound. Phil panics.

Ethereal - sin-n-city

Summary: AU- Super powers. Dan’s not normal. In fact, he’s never met a single person exactly like him. No one else can move objects with their mind, just by a simple thought. He lives life carefully, limited interactions and semi-non-existent social life. That is, until a pair of sapphire blue eyes change everything.

Forgive Me (ao3) - FollowYourDreams

Summary: The year is 2224. Dan Howell is the prince of Pacis, living in the lavish Community, dreading his 21st birthday. Phil Lester is a servant at the Community, and has been for 6 years ever since he was taken from his home. On a fateful day, Dan and Phil lock eyes for the first time, and everything changes, but neither of them know if it’s for better or worse.

(TW) Get Out Your Damn Umbrellas (ao3) - llamalamp

Summary: Phil’s only gone for one weekend. Apparently that’s all the time it takes for everything to fall apart.

Hawk and Dove (ao3) - aprilflowers96

Summary: In a world where super powers plague people all over the world, Dan Howell fights to keep his emotions and pyrokinesis under control. After years of success, Dan is outed and whisked away to a school that claims to teach him to use his abilities "safely". Still unable to control the fire that seems to rage under his skin, Dan's only solace is in his roommate Phil, who can't seem to stop turning things to ice. While trying to end the corruption at The School, the team discovers the real reason they're being held. In an explosion of fist fights, super suits, and betrayal, Dan and Phil try to do what they feel is right.

i don’t know why (i can’t keep my eyes off of you) (ao3) - combeauferre

Summary: Starting a new university is hard enough without Phil having to convince his best friend PJ he doesn’t have a crush on their other flatmate, Dan. He definitely does not have a crush on Dan.

I Want It, I Got It (ao3) - yiffandquiff

Summary: Phil Lester was a worker for the BBC in London. Working in the advertising department, he was content being alongside his friend and fellow coworker PJ during every shift. However, the BBC is temporarily being used as a film set for a new movie starring Hollywood ‘It’ star, Daniel Howell. Being stuck as an extra on the set, Phil finds it’s hard to ignore the famous star. And maybe, just maybe, Dan finds it hard to ignore Phil as well.

meant for me (ao3) - graydar

Summary: Dan doesn’t believe in soulmates. Phil believes in everything. Dan is scared of everything. Phil is scared of Dan.

One Thousand Midnights or More (ao3) - JudeAraya

Summary: A decade of love told in moments.

Read Between The Lines (I Will If You Will) (ao3) - Ablissa

Summary: Skype conversations between Dan and Phil, leading up to their first meeting. 2009!Phan. Prepare for fluff.

Some Kind Of Folliful (ao3) - danfanciesphil (thejigsawtimess)

Summary: Dan has one friend, and only because he was forced into it. Phil is loud, excitable, and irritatingly happy all of the time. Phil seems to find Dan's perpetual attitude funny, and despite Dan's best efforts to shun him and everyone else, wants to be around him all the time. That is, until Phil starts talking about Amanda Jones.

St Anthony's Secondary is a school divided by class. Their town is split down the middle, quite literally, by a railroad that separates the affluent families from the destitute. Dan is on the very outskirts of the poor side. He has one friend, and no desire to make any more, nor to buy into the sickening popularity and wealth contest of his peers. He thought Phil felt the same. And then, out of the blue, Phil develops a worrying obsession with a girl from the other side. She embodies everything Dan hates; he tries to explain this to Phil, to no avail. As his obsession with Amanda grows, as does Dan's loathing for her. Still, it shouldn't bug Dan this much to see his friend pine some braindead bimbo relying on her boyfriend's wallet. So why does it?

Stirring In Love (ao3) - andthenshesaid-write (ladyknight1512)

Summary: When Phil applied to be a contestant on the Great British Bake Off he didn’t even expect to make the long-list, let alone make it into the actual tent. But make it he does and there he meets Dan, a baker unlike Phil in every possible way. After a rocky start, Phil realises that maybe he can learn some things from Dan after all, and the biggest things have nothing to do with baking.

The Bahamas Incident (ao3) - Do_it_with_the_Howell_Lesters

Summary: Phil is set to be the best man at his brother's wedding, but his mother insists on him bring a real date. So obviously he asks Dan to be his fake boyfriend for the week. Old memories and feelings are dredged up, and it may not go as smoothly as they planned.

The Path of Righteousness (ao3) - TwistedRocketPower

Summary: At six years old, with his parents by his side, Daniel Howell was led through the entrance of the spiritual society God's Guard. Raised under the leadership of The Chosen One, Joshua, this community was all Daniel knew. No matter what anyone said, God's Guard was not a cult. It wouldn't matter if it was one anyway, because there wasn't anything or anyone who could take him from this place.

The Philver Scream (ao3) - UnorthodoxSavvy

Summary: While Dan's career in the FBI is taking off, Phil is left behind to pick up the pieces of his life after his brother's death. However, he finds himself plagued by strange nightmares that he can't explain. Soon, people around him start dying. Can Dan and Phil's partnership survive the mounting body count?

Thunder Only Happens When It’s Raining (ao3) - Nefertiti1052 (Succubusphan)

Summary: Dan meets Phil at the lowest moment in his life and is immediately enchanted by him, but nobody is perfect - not even those with good intentions and a kind heart. 

This is the story of two imperfect people trying to do their best, to find love and strive in life. They gravitate towards each other at every turn, sometimes dancing in harmony, other times colliding.

Time’s Tide (ao3) - intoapuddle

Summary: All men have secrets, and Phil won’t let his own be known. But even in 1984’s Manchester there is another person that understands.

The Wallflower’s Guide to Love (ao3) - Art3misPlayerOne

Summary: Dan is a brilliant but painfully shy and awkward guitar player in a popular local band who prefers to hide from the spotlight. He’s content to lose himself in his playing and avoids friendships and emotional attachments, but an accidental run-in with a mystery boy inspires him to reach out to him through anonymous texts.

Too scared that the boy will be disappointed in the real him, Dan doesn’t want to reveal his identity and risk losing their surprising connection. When forced to choose between his anonymity and putting his heart on the line, help from an unexpected friendship pushes him far beyond his comfort zone, but will it be too little too late?

Too Tense To Be Undone - auroraphilealis

Summary: Dan’s never had an orgasm before. Despite being in a relationship with his ex-girlfriend for three years, he’s just never been able to finish. The doctor’s don’t know what’s wrong with him, so Dan’s mostly put it out of his mind. Until his gap year, when he starts talking with AmazingPhil, and accidentally admits that he’s never come before. Phil’s happy to help with more than just convincing Dan to post YouTube videos, if Dan will just give him the chance.

Two Man Team (ao3) - Nefertiti1052 (Succubusphan)

Summary: This is the story of two struggling friends who after many trials and tribulations find their way back to each other and build the life they’ve always dreamed of.

Or how Phil changed his life by talking to random strangers on the internet.

Where Things Come Back (ao3) - commonemergency

Summary: A coming of age story about what it means to be queer, canary birds, documentaries, and falling in love for the first time.

[scruffyssketchbook]

I'm genuinely sorry if this sounds rude, but i consider that theme more like backing off. Like making comic for more than 10 years, it's plot, saying that all the plot and another questions will be answered later, keeping fans interested in that, and at the one moment harshly break all the story, leaving fans that really was interested in all these things with nothing. Why did you even made a ton of stuff, when you could just answer most frequent and important questions and move on to the next.

Hmm~ Honestly speaking, my life would be better if I was not writing and posting about SSEC because I am struggling a ton and would benefit greatly from focusing on things that’ll actually help me live. So I do appreciate people on my Patreon and Twitch that help me continue like- being able to do this.

But with that said. I can back out at any point really. I don’t really have an obligation to complete the story for anyone. I don’t have to do Box 31. And if I did leave entirely, It would improve my life much more than if I stayed. Like. Did I string people along? Prolly. But that’s kind of what you get when reading a webcomic. Some are abandoned and never continue due to life reasons or due to the person losing interest, And you know, it kind of took me a long time to come to terms with that and actually try to improve things. Not because of others, but because of me. Because I want to do these things.

I feel like ever since I started posting ssec, I kept it going for others and not for me. These story issues were always present, But I went on for the readers. I started SSEC not for others to read, but for myself. And when people started enjoying it, I was like “oh!!! People actually like my stuff?? I’ll keep going for them!!!” When I received Critisism, I broke down and tried fixing all the things people didn’t like so they can be happy, when I was at my lowest, I still updated weekly despite the world around me crumbling for the readers, when I found holes in the story, when I saw how bad the story will become if I kept going with the original plans, I tried saving the story for the readers, I tried fixing things and tried all I could to keep writing SSEC.

But, in the end, the issues in the stories foundation prevailed.

The reason I started drawing Eevolves was because I was depressed when writing SSEC. It made me sad. Every page was a struggle to get through, and I felt like I needed a change of pace because SSEC was just so depressing for me. And I was so happy planning Eevolves. The characters made me happy, the world made me happy, their relationships made me happy. I wanted SSEC to be more like it. And so I was planning and changing and trying to make SSeC like Eevolves. I actually love the past 2 chapters of SSEC. Paper’s please is my favorite chapter in the story and is what I want Box31 to be like, and this current chapter was so goofy and funny, it made me happy writing it. But then I realized. This happiness is only temporary. All of the things I did not want to address, all of the dark things in the story (like R word, extreme child abuse, suicide, As you saw with Felix: Blood and death, incest, Other types of abuse etc etc) and all of the broken nonsensical edgy lore I made as a kid influenced by even worse fanfics felt like a monster lurking in the shadows of my bright garden. It had to come up at some point. But I did not want to address it. I do not want to be associated with it. I do not want more people to have panic attacks because they saw things in my work that reminded them of experiences they went through.

I make SSEC to make people smile.

That was why I started posting and why I am still posting. I like making people happy. And I know that I am making a lot of people sad with these changes, but in the long run, I do believe that this is better than leaving it as is. Plus, ofc, I’m doing these changes for me. :3 and I really do need to take care of myself more ^^

I know this didn’t really answer the ask but like, Idk what else to say other than Sorry! Thinking of myself for once!!! 😄 thanks for reading!!! 😄😄😄

[bloodyselfshipping]

At first, this is a very frustrating pairing.

Ivan is the type of man to take a lack of eye contact as disinterest, or worse, dislike.

He gets distracted very quickly if he’s talking to someone fidgeting with colorful stim toys.

Definitely not very good at respecting personal space either. He’s naturally very touchy and never learned what discomfort looks like-

As someone who's almost 7 feet tall and over 1000 years old, it’s also hard for him not to infantilize everyone. If you’re bothered by that (which like yea, of course) you have to bring it up a couple of times /: 

But other than that, he’d be a great boyfriend.

He’s a great listener and your happiness is his number one priority. If something is bothering you, he’ll do his best to understand improve.

Because of that, he also loves it when you rant to him about your hyperfixations and special interests. One of his favorite types of dates is just you two on the couch watching something, with him resting his head on your shoulder while you constantly bring up trivia about what you’re watching. 

And if you like having pressure on you, he is very excited to do that with just himself- if you asked him to he would lay on you at every opportunity.

If you don’t like PDA, it would be a little frustrating for you but he would oblige. He’s naturally very physically affectionate but the last thing he wants is to upset you.

If you aren’t very smooth in social situations, he isn’t either! Luckily his confidence in his awkwardness makes up for the both of you-

Plus, if you get overwhelmed in public, he’d be the perfect guy to have around. Usually, he is vying to leave any situation just like you, and who is going to tell him to stay? Even if they try, he just has to stare them down and they’ll let you two go on your merry way.

In fact, he gets super annoyed if anyone calls you weird or anything of the sort. He won’t yell, it’s not like him, but he will definitely tell them off in his own special way.

“How could you say such a thing? They already go through so much, and you choose to hurt them more? How immature.”

So basically, like a disappointed dad. He’s been called strange before too, so he understands how much it hurts. Gets pretty confused if you enjoy being called weird though. He would still defend you against it, even if you said it didn’t bother you.

If you have meltdowns and panic attacks, it’d probably take him a while to learn how to… deal though. At first, he panics and tries to grab you. Which is bad. Don’t do that. But he learns quickly to just… be there through it. Definitely tries to spoil you the rest of the day after too. Seeing you upset is his absolute nightmare!

If living by yourself isn’t very easy for you, he’d also be great to have around. He loves accompanying you anywhere you ask, and has no trouble taking care of you. He’s seen a lot in his long life, nothing you do or need can surprise him at this point. And nothing is better than seeing you thrive, no matter what he has to do.

Any eccentricities or “strange” behaviors you may have do not affect his love for you in the slightest. All they do is make him love you more

“I do not care what people may say, I would never want you to change. I will be here for you no matter what, моя любимая.”

[shayshaybiscuit25]

I no longer support white celebs or people//

How do people not realize this is basically birthing hatred in your own heart. It makes one no better than the people they claim to hate. All white people aren’t the problem, majority, to the point racism is still ramped, yes, but to blindly go around claiming to not like or support every single white person based on the actions of others makes you seem childish asf anon. I get mad at racist, not all white people.

I suggest you go to you local library and take a deep dive in history, if it weren’t for certain white advocates even in small numbers, a lot of risked their lives along with our black leaders, a lot of things would not have occurred nor improved.

Go learn about the White Panther party.

I get so tired of people looking at things on the internet and basing conclusions without realizing you obviously know very little about our history let alone the world to make a baseless statement like that,even reading this you’re probably thinking I’m “standing up for the white man” 🙄

Some of you need to learn what’s happened. I know things are bad now, but sweetheart they’ve been worse they’ve also at one point were amazing. Many of you weren’t born to know there were three beautiful decades where black folks THRIVED!! We everywhere, music, tv, etc. We were and forever will be IT! ✨ unfortunately racist and some black people who chose money over the betterment of our people (Hi BET 🖕🏾), shut that down and now we have the entertainment industry as you all know it now. This is why many of us that you all think are “haters” say music, tv and movies aren’t the same. We had multiple talented black women across genres, not just one or two. We had every skin tone represented. Many of you truly don’t understand how y’all fall for some of the most mediocre stuff nowadays yet call it “talent”.

The standard has dropped significantly to the point everyone and their mama are getting famous now.

I may sound like a prude, but the over sexualization of black women ain’t it. They are trying to have our young girls and immature grown women thinking certain types of behavior and attire is appropriate when it’s not. No one is saying cover up head to toe, but many do not understand there’s a time and place for things. Most of our celebs are focused on money and not the influence they are putting out there. It’s all going to blow up eventually. We went from artist standing up and using their talents and platforms to better our community, go listen to L-Boogie “That Thing”, and listen to the lyrics. Nina Simone, BillieHoliday, etc to now where people can say a basic quote that sounds nice and people automatically label them an advocate. Don’t even get me started on various white artists using black artist to boost their careers or eras. (Miley Cyrus now claims to be embarrassed by her Bangerz era, yet claimed back then that was her authentic self, stop letting people use us)

I understand the times change, but said change isn’t always good. We’re still being used in ways many can’t comprehend.

Idol worship is seen as “normal”. People really be out here worshipping other humans who mock God, yet claim to be “Christian”, I don’t care if someone claims to “love” God with their mouth, actions speak louder than words. Too many baby Christians out here getting easily influenced because they lack knowledge of HIS word. I’m serious, people better stop playing with God and making excuses for their actions. God don’t play that. He shows us love, grace and mercy, yes, but putting demonic affiliation in music videos, calling God the n-word, Calling God out his name in general, mocking him, etc.

Showing every single inch of their bodies and trying to claim it’s for expression or women rights, nah you can love you and be sexy without doing all that. There’s a reason the black women of the 70s, 80s and 90s were top tier, sometimes less is indeed more.

Just because someone is rich and famous doesn’t mean they are “blessed” by God. People don’t think Satan will be crafty enough to have you believing you’re doing great, not realizing lukewarm Christianity is not good. God will spit them out of his mouth.

Don’t allow these entertainers have any of you out here drifting away from God all because you love your fav. These music artist today display the darkness right in front of us all, but get praised. Go watch the videos of early 2010s to now and tell me they haven’t gotten darker and more revealing in various ways.

Y’all stay blessed and just keep your eyes and hearts open. Developing the gift of discernment is a true blessing. People think because we’re saved we can do anything, but God knows all. We speak in love and truth. His word is Truth.

Oh wowwwwww

Anon to Anon.