#i hate myself and my life. i wanna cry | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

inazuma-fulgur · 1 year

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Feeling so bad mentally, I don't wanna go to work tomorrow

But also I need full time employment

But also the state made it possible for me to change my status to searching work but not to change my status regarding that I'm technically jobless + can't afford a flat + I have to move soon + I have no idea how I would get the financial support the state technically offers

I hate the state, why you offering services but not offering useful explanations of your services?

#lashed out at my dad honestly #but he's been asking for it for weeks #constantly calling and sending useless messages #not asking a single shitty question and not offering a single shitty answer for the things I actually need answered #at worst getting my mom in on it as well #both steal my time and energy for no reason and make me worry about how I should tell them that #so instead I today gave him his update he was craving so much. and told him to shut up and stop treating me and my siblings like #property. he probably is very unhappy and doesn't know what to do rn #I don't feel good about it. but at least he can now work on his own shit and start contemplating how to be less of a failure of a dad #yeah maybe I'm not like the version of me he has in his head and he should definitely know that #still feeling terrible about this. because I'm generally feeling terrible #but also actually it's not like I lost anything because I didn't have anything. he didn't help me no matter if he tried #which sucks for both of us #but I told and was explicitly about the exact problems for so many years and so many times #it's time not just I start working on my person #yeah he's working a lot. but only for money not on himself. you can't buy love with money and I frankly don't give a shit about money #i wanna live and dream and be happy #i hate myself and my life. i wanna cry #actually I am #vent post

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cerise-on-top · 4 months

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Cried on the train today, then thought of this! This is just me coping to the highest degree again, but I thought other people might like this as well!

Nikolai as a Father

First off, he’d likely be absent rather often. He was a soldier, he runs a PMC, he’s a busy man through and through. That’s why he won’t be able to see you as often as he’d like. He’d have loved to see all your accomplishments, meeting your first partner and intimidating them, your graduation, the first time you performed on stage, but it wasn’t possible due to work. He does feel bad about it, but he can’t help it. He will try to make it up to you somehow, though he’d understand if you couldn’t forgive him. He does try to be there for you whenever he can, visiting you whenever possible, but you will be apart from each other more often than not. However, if you ever have any suggestions regarding what you’d like to do together, he’s all ears. He has enough money to grant you any wish like that. You wanna go to Japan? You want a boat trip? You wanna go karaoke? It’s all possible, as long as he gets to experience those things with you. He really does wanna make up for the lost time.

He’s a pretty relaxed kind of father. The kind that would allow you a sip of beer when you were young. He’d have no problems with you drinking, as long as it doesn’t get out of hand. You should be responsible about that sort of thing. But if you ever wanted to invite a friend over to drink a bit, then he’d have no problem with getting the booze for you. Nothing too strong while you’re still young, of course, but he gets it. You’re young, you want to be stupid and do foolish things. He was like that too when he was younger, so he won’t stop you. In fact, he’ll even drive to the nearest fast food restaurant and get you and your friend something to eat. Sometimes he might cook himself, though. Nikolai’s food is downright godly, he can cook just about anything and cook it well too. As long as you don’t invite a friend over to get blackout drunk every weekend, all is good.

I think he’d probably lie to you about his job when you’re younger. You don’t need to know that he kills people for a living. You can know that he does paperwork, though. So he’d likely tell you he works an office job that has him traveling a lot. Speaking of traveling, he’ll always bring you a souvenir. That could range from a small snow globe to a nice T-shirt he found that you might like. He may be busy, but he does think about you very often. This continues into adulthood as well. If he can’t see you and give it to you in person then he’ll just mail it to you. Won’t ever allow you to work in the same field he does, though. You’re too sweet to work as a mercenary. You can become anything you want to be, but he’ll do what he can to not have you work in the military or in a PMC. He wants you to live and live well. There are no exceptions to this. He knows you might not listen to him, but he’ll tell you over and over again that those kinds of jobs are not what you might think they are. He doesn’t tell you what to do very often, but you should listen to him when he does. He’s an older man, who actually knows what he’s talking about. Besides, he only means well when it comes to you.

A very accepting father, in all honesty. You’re gay? You’re trans? He’s very supportive of you. Besides, it doesn’t matter who you bring home, he’s gonna try to intimidate them either way. Only the best of the best for you. If you ever find yourself some sleazebag, who won’t spoil you rotten like you deserve, then he’ll make sure that person will learn their lesson. He can be a very scary man when he wants to be. If you’re transmasc, then he’d delight in going clothes shopping with you and finding something that you look good in and that fits. He might even buy you a bomber jacket like he has so you can match. He’ll get you the fanciest suits too. Whatever you need, he’ll give it to you. If you’re transfem then he might not be the best suited candidate to go shopping with you. He can tell you what you look good in, but he might call someone like Laswell to help you find nice clothes that suit you well. However, he won’t save any money on anything. You know what you want? You can gladly have it. Nikolai will even pay for your surgeries as well. As long as you’re happy, he’s happy. No price is too high when it comes to your happiness. In fact, he probably has the means to get you a prescription for hormones as well. It might not be entirely legal, but it’s better than nothing if you have shitty doctors.

Likewise, if you come out to him as aromantic or asexual, he won’t mind. Sure, you might have to explain what that means, but once he understands he won’t make you feel bad for that sort of thing. Gives you a side hug and tells you that he’s glad he doesn’t have to worry about your heart being broken by some asshole who can’t appreciate you for who you are. Unfortunately, if you do come out to him as ace, he might make some puns about it. Nothing offensive, but he’s your father, he can’t help the urge to make awful dad jokes from time to time.

If you don’t know Russian then he’ll teach you. He’s a proud Russian, so he does want you to know the language. He can hire a teacher for you too, if you’d prefer that, but you won’t be spared. He’ll talk to you in Russian and compliment you on your progress. Besides, it’s never a mistake to know another language. If you do know Russian then he’ll speak it with you whenever he can. Yes, even when the likes of Price are around. Doesn’t matter if it comes off as rude, it just feels homey to him. It makes him feel at ease.

#cod #cod x reader #cod nikolai #nikolai x reader #listening to “A Trophy Fathers Trophy Son” hits different these days. I just can't bring myself to hate my father no matter what #anyway I want Nikolai to adopt me and help me through all of my struggles #I think some hugs from a father figure could heal some of my scars and make some of my demons go away #I don't even remember the last time my parents properly hugged me. to comfort me I mean #“Is this what you call a family” I almost cried at work today and I really had to pull myelf together to not start crying #one of my coworkers is a father and he reveres his daughter. I wonder if my father thought that highly of me too when I was younger #I'm not even sure he likes me anymore these days. It hurts so bad because I genuinely don't have very many people in my life #I don't wanna lose him too even if it doesn't seem like he cares about my mental wellbeing at all #I don't care that I'm venting in the tags right now I don't have anywhere else to vent anyway #I wish I had a father whose love I could actually feel. Is it my fault? Did I do something wrong? Am I just a shitty son?#I've been finding so much comfort in imagining Nikolai as a father figure as of late. Found family and he adopts me as his son #Haha I wonder what that says about me. I think I need a hug one of these days or I will genuinely fall apart. Everything is getting to much #But life goes on I suppose. I need to be strong. I can't afford to break down again

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bunnihearted · 2 months

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🗣️

#no i dont know how to regulate my emotions and i wanna die bc of it i hate myself #omg i just love bpd and cptsd tingzzzz #just... umm many things are happening in life rn and its all so scary and i feel so lonely and idk what will happen to me #anyway.... things are moving to an end #and it will most likely be the last summer i have w my mom #so i just asked her if we could watch strangers from hell aka my fav show together before summer ends #and i was thinking like omg we can watch it together and have dinners and stuff!!#but she was like ughhhhh no i dont really wanna do that #and now i wanna cry and die bc everybody hates me and no one wants to spend time with me and i hate living like an unlovable monster #like yeah im fkn sorry other ppl get irritated at me for being sad and lonely and crying bc no one wants to spend time w me 😭#honestly getting closer and closer to the conclusion that i SHOULD just kms bc everyone hates me #and thinks im wrong and i exist and breathe wrong and no one wants to be around me and like im fkn sorry for #other ppl damaging me and leaving me with disorders that the mental health system has never wanted to treat like #just let me fkn die i hate it here 😔

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frmulcahy · 2 months

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Boy howdy I love venting about how isolated I feel in therapy and then feeling empty after

#I wanna cry and go back to bed #like why fucking bother trying to make acquaintances or live authentically #I don’t like being perceived but having short hair and a they/them button on my collar is opening myself up to being perceived #and assholes will make comments #so fuck me for trying to find similar people I guess #supposed to overcome agoraphobia but why bother #theres no community nearby #my irl friends have moved on with their lives #and I think I annoy the hell out of them too #I don’t want to leave the house just to spend money and deal with cishet neurotypical people #it’s exhausting #life is exhausting #I fucking hate Arizona #but it’s not so simple as ‘just move’ moving is a giant task #I’m alone #and I’d rather be alone by myself and be comfortable than alone among a ton of people and miserable #i’m just tired

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skunkg1rll · 5 months

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#ughhh someone pointed out the atrocity in my face. i hate thatfeature of me so bad #and now i cant stop thinking about it and i hate myself and my face and i got bad feelings #because throughout my entire life i've been so bullied for it #i feel so ugly ugh!!!!!! i am ugly i wanna cry who could ever love me when i look like this skksksks #the worst abt having a face deformity is that it is on your FACE!!!!! i cant hide it #it's out there for everyone to see #and i cant remove it. i can get plastic surgery etc but i cant afford that at all now. maybe when i have a job :(((#and it really is so big in my brain. i notice it constantly #i cant look at other ppl without checking their chins to see if it's smooth or not #and most ppl have normal chins. pretty much everyone has a normal chin!!!!#i wish i was normal too. i hate looking like this i hate it so bad #it is so unfair that i gotta be stuck w this ugly fkn feature but everyone else gets to look normal #so unfair so unfair it makes me so angry #why did i get the worst genes ever i cant stand having to live my life being this grotesquely ugly #anyway.... i try to suppress it nd not think abt it but earlier today someone made a comment abt it #nd now i just wnna cry because it is soooooooo ugly and i hate it #besides yeah it made me rmbr my school years bc ppl were sofkn mean to me abt it #like im sorry i know im ugly wtf do u want me to do?!?!

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sga-owns-my-soul · 11 months

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haha ignore this i need to vent

i'm so fucking done i'm so fucking mad at everyone i'm pissed at my cousin for fucking me over i'm pissed at my clients for being fucking idiots i'm pissed at my city for NEVER HAVING WORKING FUCKING TRANSIT i'm not okay i'm so not fucking okay and i don't even have my fucking headphones bc they fell out of my jacket in my cousins STUPID FUCKING CAR THAT I BASICALLY PAY FOR BUT GOD FORBID SHE DRIVE ME HOME so now i get to spend over 2 hours (after i've spent 3 hours on transit/waiting for her this morning) on public transit to get home WITHOUT my music and my clothes are ruined with cat hair from my clients today so that's fucking great and OF COURSE everything in the fucking city is delayed bc WHY WOULD WE MAKE ANYTHING EASY FOR ME NO ITS FINE ILL JUST FUCKING SUFFER TO MAKE THINGA EASY FOR EVERYONE ELSE BECAUSE GODFORBID I GET TO CATCH A FUCKING BREAK

#no i'm not okay #i'm fuckimg crying on a train #that's on the LITERAL OPPOSITE END OF THE CITY FROM MY HOUSE #i spent just under 3 hours working today #and i'm spending over 5 hours getting to and from work #i'm so fucking done i'm so sick of being alive #holy fucking christ can ANYTHING not be fucking shit!!!!!!!#i hate being alive!!!!!!! i don't want to do this anymore!!!!!!!#and i can't even fucking kill myself bc god forbid the people in my life be sad #they can't lose me but they can fuck me over constantly!!!!!#god fuck i'm so fucking sick of this #i need a fucking break #humans aren't meant to work this much and im going to start actually commiting violence about it #tw suicide mention #personal rambles #ignore this #i'm just being too sensitive 🙃🙃🙃🙃#i'm just Letting My Emotions Control Me 🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃#disclaimer i'm safe i'm not actually at risk of hurting myself at all i promise #i just wanna die but i'm not gonna do anything

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insanechayne · 7 days

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~ ~ ~

#I hate who I am when I start missing human contact and feeling lonely #I start missing someone who was awful to me simply because they were reliable in talking to me every day and at least sort of my friend #I start craving the connections that you see in media even though I know those types aren’t real #it seems like everyone else has more people and better people and closer people in their lives than me #it seems like everyone has best friends and partners that are closer to them and better for them #and idk it just feels like things are missing from my life #I have a partner but I can’t always talk to them when I need to because they can’t always handle a conversation #I have a best friend but he barely ever answers my calls and things feel distant between us lately #I have other friends but they’re not the kinds that I feel I could turn to for help when I’m lonely like this #I have my parents but neither of them are very good at comfort in these situations #and I just want to cry because I feel so completely by myself and I don’t know what to do anymore #I just want someone to talk to and who will listen to me when I need help and advice and be there for me #I’m starting to really miss the wrong people again even though I know I’m better without them in my life #but at least I could send them anything and get a response fairly soon when I needed to #at least for a while they were very close to me and i think that’s what I really miss most of all #just the closeness of another person since I don’t always feel that with other relationships these days #it’s times like these I wish I’d just killed myself at 16 so I wouldn’t have to keep dealing with this over and over forever #it’s times like these I wanna fade away #if I’m going to be alone anyway then why bother keeping others around at all? why not just break off and go be a hermit somewhere else?#but I can’t do that because I have too many responsibilities that I need to take care of #idk maybe I should just kill myself and get it over with #pretty sure I wasn’t supposed to make it this long in the first place #I mean I’m being facetious cause I’m not overly suicidal and I’m not actually going to do anything #just kinda wish I could in a weird sort of way #like missing the feeling of a blade slicing my skin since I stopped cutting a long time ago #just want more out of my relationships and from myself and from my life and idk how to get any of that #personal

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sensitivegoblin · 10 days

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Vent

Tw: sh, suivide

#i hate that my brain is broken and it makes me fight with my family....#i.wish i could jjst shut my mouth like thsy qant me to.....#it smells like human shit n piss in my room cus im too scared to ask my dad to change it :')✨️💕✌️#i wanna cut so that i get release and attention but last time my dad didnt even notice and my sister didnt take it seriously :(#i feel like cuttong is the only way to let out my Ick and show how not good im doing #mental illnesses are invisible and so fucking crippling......#my family thinks im lazy i just know they do #im such a fuvking failure at 25 i should be taking care of my dad like he did to his..#also my dad always says hes in catholic hell sooooo guess im not real then :')#he spefically says he died as a kid and this is his hell.....🥹✌️💔#i just....hate my life and already dont feel real #he basically vents and says whatever without thinking about the impact on ME the adult child with autism.#i think about my words affect on everybody all the time and it seems like barely anyone thinks the same #....maybe i can s-xually -buse myself instead of cutting #but cumming always brings a biiiiig wave of crying #i shpuldnt cut for the attebtion but FUCK i wanna get a hug or see someone have a soft voice n soft eyes for me #....all i do is annoy my dad #i should just kill myself so i dont annoy him anymore #but im too scared of failing #also im scared of Hell #i need a hug that doesnt start with me asking for a hug......#if i didnt do anything affectionate for a whole day i would go without it #i would trade every present in the world if my family could at least just UNDERSTAND my emotional brain #instead i get “i just dont understand” over n over n over n over again.....#im not trying to be an attention seeker when i say this: logically the only answer i can come up with is to k-ll myself.#its like 2 + 2 = su!cide #my family says that theyd kill themselves if i did....i dont believe that #theyre less broken than me so they would heal and move on.#for clarification #the most violent thing km gonna do is c-t myself im NOT attempting tonight

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seungmins-fryingpan · 1 month

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can i just fucking not

#im so frustrated i cant even begin to explain it anymore #in fact I have been explaining myself for the past four hours and have gotten nowhere #hi if is mee i am back on tumblr after months of basically nothing so i can complain #the good thing about tumblr is that i dont have to seem perfect like on other social medias because only a few mutuals are on here #anyway. Off to plan more schedules against my will despite the last 4 hours of me explaining I already do this and being forced to do it #will make me feel even worse about myself and what im doing even if its beneficial to me #and then ill hate my life again #How am i going to continue my self improvement journey if every fucking thing makes me wanna cry

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ranger-kellyn · 2 months

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really and truly nothing kills my art drive more than having to be in the office 🙃

#I’m so fucking sick of being here #there’s no fucking reason to demand we be physically in the office #we PROOVED we could do our jobs MORE EFFICIENTLY AT HOME!!!!!!!!!!!!#and how do they repay us???????#im sick of this I felt myself dozing off yesterday driving home #I hate being here #there’s no fucking point #I do literally NOTHING DIFFERENT teleworking or in office #I’m sick of the price for parking constantly going up I shouldn’t have to pay $15 every fucking day just to go to work #the one day a week was tolerable but 50% is fucking killing me and I have the feeling they’re about to make it 100%#and there’s nobody to fucking complain to!!! nobody who can do anything about it cares!!!!! I’m so fucking sick of it all!!!!!!!!!!!#i just wanna make my shitty art and not have to deal with ANY of this!!!!!!!!!#i was not made for this life!!!!!!!!!!!!#negative #I just wanna cry I’m so tired and pissed off i don’t wanna be here #I’m sick of wearing pants and a bra and I’m SICK OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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mythsified · 3 months

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OKAY BUT DO I NEED TO GO TO AN ERROR STORE FOR US T0 TALK AGAIN THE FLETCHER EPISODE OF SHANNONS PODCAST IS MAKING ME SO DELULU SOMEONE COME SAVE ME PLEASE

#shannon beveridge #exes and os #fletcher #gay #me #delulu #her #i cant #my life is a mess #why do i wanna make it worse #shanya this is for you #cri #i hate myself #i am gonna listen to more messy music and CRY

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kurushimiangel · 4 months

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I'm seriously fed up with this shit

#i keep surrounding myself with the worst people #like #please don't sexualise me and my sexuality #and it's not anyone's right to tell others my sexuality #IT WAS SO FUCKING AWKWARD WHEN THIS KID ASKED ME IF I WAS LESBIAN BECAUSE THIS BITCH KEPT FUCKING TELLING PPL IM LESBIAN.#I'm never gonna trust anyone again I swear #please I wanna cry I hate my life #please stop telling me or others that you wanna 'r word' me #please stop making fun of my appearance #please stop pointing out little things that you know will make me upset #please

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skunkg1rll · 5 months

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the anxiety pills arent even working :c