#i have had a “kidney stone” for the past few weeks

[reallybadblackoutpoems]

Group chat with friends 2023

group chat with friends (2023) - ducklesspond and friends

"help mine dick thats ugly that one yes for me indeedy"

submitted by @ducklesspond

[kikissh]

hello! 

it has been quite some time since i have been able to update tumblr, and im sure you have seen the drama with twtr, so i’m going to try to be more active here.

first off, i just tested positive for cov!d. i had a really good run as this is the first time ive got it. HOWEVER, ive been caring for my sick mother at home for almost 3 weeks, and now we’ve both come down with cov!d..

I am posting my throne wishlist here because im in very much need for help to get basic necessities for myself and a couple things for the house. I have been very up front with my twtr audience about what has been happening the past few years. Things are very hard for us. I’m just barely feeling better from a kidney stone/infection/medication poisoning that lasted feb-oct. I’m happy cov!d waited til i was better from that last part, but i’m definitely down and out for a little bit now.

If you have the means, i ask you to take a look at my wishlist and see if theres anything you could can pick up or contribute to. if not, please boost this post and share with others that may be able to further help.

Thank you so very much for past and present support, Kiki’ssh --

WISHLIST LINK

[dollsonmain]

That Guy SAID he was going to the auto body shop yesterday so I couldn't get my blood test but he actually came home about an hour early.

I still couldn't go get my blood test because he immediately started yelling at everyone, changed into pajamas, and stomped off to the ManCave.

I don't have time to do it this morning before surgery.

I might ask if they can take blood from the freshly installed IV before putting the fluid bag on at surgery today, though I don't know if they have the equipment to store it until it's taken to the lab.

My right kidney has been hurting a bit the past few days but I've ignored it since surgery is today which means getting it drained out again, a fresh stent, and less stone to cause blockage.

My left kidney has twinged a couple times and that does concern me since he said he got all of the stone bits out so if there's blockage NOW it's from new stones having formed already in the past two weeks.

I was doing really well regarding acid in my throat at night up until last night. Lemon water is hell. I hate it so much.

I've had a lot of body changes since being put on broad spectrum antibiotics and it makes me wonder just how bad off was I?

[sideshow-tornado]

4! 17! 34! 40! 41! 44! 45! 46! 48! 50!

ALSO WHY ARE YOU IN THE HOSPITAL?! ARE YOU OK?! ??!

4. Favorite 80's/90's tv show/s? Cheers, the 80s revival of The Twilight Zone, Perfect Strangers, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Frasier, Friends, NewsRadio, The State, Mr. Show with Bob & David, ER, The Practice, Dawson’s Creek, Felicity, My so-called Life, Daria, Tales from the Crypt, King of the Hill.

17. What was the last play you saw? The Music Man, local community theatre production.

34. What are you deepest, most nonsensical fears? (You don't have to share this, make something up, have some fun.) I definitely have a fear of everyone I’ve ever known who has died watching me at my most humiliating moments from some after life. Perhaps as a punishment to them?

40. How do your take your coffee/cocoa/tea? I don’t drink any of these often. Coffee usually a soy latte, green tea, and cocoa pretty classic with a marshmallow or some whip cream.

41. Something you really want to watch but can't for some reason or haven't yet? There is so much I haven’t seen in the past decade. Just off the top of my head I’ve wanted to watch other seasons of True Detective, only seen and loved the first. Always wanted to check out The Knick, also only saw first seasons of The Americans and Mr. Robot and want to finish those.

44. What are some of the little things that make you happy? I love making people laugh, whether or it’s by making a joke or doing something funny, or someone reading something I’ve written or hearing someone else perform something I’ve written that makes them laugh.

45. Name a few characters you relate to? Nick Miller from New Girl, Ser Jorah Mormont & Jon Snow from Game of Thrones, Ted Lasso & Roy Kent from Ted Lasso, Kitty Pryde from X-Men comics.

46. Describe some of the knick knack/odds and ends in your room? I have several Stars Wars, Marvel and DC figurines/toys. A ceramic sugar skull I got at a Day of the Dead festival in Mexico when I lived near the border. An old Joe Montana football figure I’ve had since the late 80s. I have another wooden carved figure of “see no evil, speak no evil, hear no evil” in the form of the three 🙈 🙊🙉 monkeys that my late grandmother had at her office for many years. I have a Peruvian fertility statue that I got from my late Great Uncle who was world traveler and artist.

48. What is a hobby you’d like to take up? I’d love to get a shop set up and work with either metal smithing or making resin art, maybe even metal restoration. Don’t know that I have any skill for any of it but it looks interesting and fun.

50. How does one make you smile? Others smiling and being happy does the job for me. It’s truly contagious.

And I’m now released from the ER. I do have a kidney stone moving down my bladder and have to follow up with a Urologist this week as it’s too big to pass on my own. Feeling better at the moment so fingers crossed 🤞 that keeps up.

[hillnerd]

So after the past 3 months of HELL- I think I’m seeing some of the light and am very very grateful to y’all for being so sweet and multiple people checking in. Thank you!

So- full lowdown- I hurt my back really badly and was on bed rest for a bit- then we found out we had lead in the house and had to clean every single surface in the house- which doesn’t sound like much, but oh god it is SO much work for WEEKS- (Only have 1 room and garage left!) and then I got an upper respiratory infection that turned into super bad bronchitis and then all the meds I had to take  for all the things (muscle relaxing, coughing, pain, nasal stuff etc) gave me kidney stones-  so I’ve had those for a few weeks now and have been living at a 5-7 on the pain scale for a bit.

But I’m FINALLY feeling somewhat okay now!

When sick and bedridden I wrote a tone- and have a 15k chapter of Waking Up now :D So, hopefully that will be a fun read for y’all soon.

Thanks again, friends- I really appreciate your presence and support.

[groundcontrol21]

Sicktember #22

Prompt #22: Common Cold/Flu

Character(s): Anatoly and Dr. Rosenbaum

Title: Not Alone

Summary: Back to our regularly scheduled snz programming! Read this fic for some callbacky goodness. When Anatoly comes down with a bad case of flu, he feels ashamed to call for help when he needs it. Dr. Rosenbaum tries to cure him of both his ills and his foolishness. 

Notes: Would you believe me if I said this prompt was one of the last ones I wrote? It’s true; I just kept agonizing over how to fill it because cold and flu! Too many options! 

His heaviest quilt folded across his shoulders like a cape, Anatoly dragged himself from his bed and to the rickety table in the kitchen, plopping down in the chair so ungracefully he was briefly afraid the wood would give out beneath him. That would be all he needed on a morning like this. Struggling to keep his eyes open, he dialed the telephone, pressed the receiver to his ear, and tried not to moan at how much his throat hurt. 

“Daniel Abramovich?” Anatoly’s voice came out somewhere between a croak and a whisper, and he cleared his throat, long and painful, though it proved futile in making his voice sound any stronger. “It’s Anatoly Ivanovich.”

“If you’re calling for a diagnosis, my diagnosis is I feel myself getting sick just listening to you,” Doctor Rosenbaum said, and Anatoly could almost hear the wince in his voice. “You sound horrid.”

“I feel horrid,” Anatoly said with a hoarse, humorless exhalation that might have been a chuckle if he had the energy. His breath hitched briefly, a scant warning, and he did not have enough time to turn away before he sprayed the receiver. “Ehh’KISHHH! Snf!” He sniffled thickly, his nose beginning to run. “I-I think I have the flu—Ih’hihh’HISHOO!”

“I’m willing to bet on it.”

Anatoly realized, with a sinking feeling, that he had left his handkerchief in bed. He cringed at the lack of hygiene, but wiped his nose on a bit of the blanket, vowing to wash it ten times in boiling hot water and soap once he was well again. He sniffled once more, swallowing back a groan at how stopped up his whole head felt.

“Are you busy today?” he asked as a shiver jolted down his spine.

“Christ, you really think you have to ask?” Doctor Rosenbaum clucked his tongue, and Anatoly couldn’t help but smile; the man was surely shaking his head as he spoke. “I could have ten surgeries and I would sooner revoke your medical license than let you around a patient sounding like that.” 

“Heh’KDSHHH!”

“What do you need me to do for you?” Rosenbaum asked, his voice low, soft, and brimming with concern.

Anatoly gave a few wet, sore coughs, covering the receiver as best he could to spare Rosenbaum’s ears, before he cast a tired glance at the calendar on the kitchen wall in which he scribbled all his appointments. He read down the list: a follow up with a man who had passed a kidney stone, a mother whose baby had been too fussy to sleep for the past few days, a check-up on an old woman with a thyroid condition, a little boy who needed a vaccination.

“And the rest of the week?” Rosenbaum asked. “What appointments have you scheduled?”

“Thank you but I–Ehh’TSCHOO!. I–I doubt that’s–Snf! Hehh’ihhh’ISHHH’uhh!--necessary. Heh’RSHHHH!”

Anatoly could feel Rosenbaum’s unimpressed glare through the telephone, and he gave a controlled sigh before bowing his head and reading off the rest of the week’s appointments. He was shivering consistently now, and he pulled the blanket more tightly around his shoulders, hoping his teeth wouldn’t begin to chatter. He flicked a glance at the kitchen window just to be sure Mashka hadn’t opened it, but it was shut, and she was sunning herself in the pale winter light. 

“And it’s done, Anatoly Ivanovich,” Doctor Rosenbaum said. “Don’t you worry.”

“Thank you,” Anatoly said emphatically. “I know you’re–Ihh’KSHIEW!--a busy man. I don’t know how I’ll repay you.”

“You let me worry about that,” Rosenbaum said magnanimously, coaxing another little smile out of Anatoly. “I’m sure I’ll think of something for you to do.” 

Rosenbaum was silent for a beat, before asking, “Do you need me to pay you a visit?”

“No,” Anatoly said quickly, resolutely, forgetting that the man could not see him shake his head and instantly regretting the action. He swallowed, dizzy, but pushed on. “The last thing I need is for you to–snf!--catch this, too.”

“If you change your mind, you know where to find me,” Rosenbaum said, sounding a bit as though he doubted Anatoly’s judgment on the matter. “Metaphorically, of course, since I don’t want you leaving your bed. Doctor’s orders.”

Anatoly laughed hoarsely. “Aye, aye, sir.” 

Doctor Rosenbaum made a satisfied noise at the back of his throat, before bidding him farewell. “Feel better, Anatoly Ivanovich.”

Anatoly thanked him again, before hanging up the receiver and shuffling back to bed, intent on not moving again for anything short of the end of the world. 

********

A few days later, Anatoly found himself back in the same position, at the kitchen table and dialing Doctor Rosenbaum, but feeling, if possible, even more miserable than before. “Hello?” Anatoly said, praying his voice was loud enough to be heard. “It’s–” He tried to force his voice louder, but the strain was too much, and he bent forward with a relentless fit off coughing. 

The fondness in Rosenbaum’s voice was a thin mask for his concern. “Still haven’t shifted your flu, Dr. Kulyakov?”

“No, and I…” Anatoly trailed off, swallowing harshly, suddenly feeling very flushed and very, very nervous. Perhaps he was being over-dramatic, calling Rosenbaum like this, but then again, his wheezing chest had kept him awake all night as he sweat his fever into the pillow and trembled beneath the blankets. 

“Anatoly Ivanovich?” The worry in Rosenbaum’s voice was open and palpable now. 

“Could you come over?” Anatoly asked in a small voice. His head was spinning. “I th–thihhh–think–Ehh’KSHHH’uhh! Snf!--it’s developed into bronchitis and I–Ihh’TSHHHIEWW! I don’t have it in me to make it to town for the pharmacy.” The length of the request and subsequent explanation left Anatoly winded, and he crumpled forward into another fit of coughing, knuckling at his chest in an attempt to disperse the pinching ache there. 

“I’ll be there straight away,” Rosenbaum said, and the receiver clicked before Anatoly had even finished catching his breath. 

In a haze, he shuffled to the couch and burrowed into the quilt he had left there. His thoughts were a muddy, jumbled soup laced vaguely with guilt at having added one more patient to the list he had already foisted upon poor Rosenbaum, but Anatoly hadn’t the energy to spare for feeling guilty for long. All he could muster was to lie there and watch the short winter shadows dance across the floor. 

There was a knock at the front door, and before Anatoly could even contemplate moving, it swung open to reveal Dr. Rosenbaum, bundled in his great trench coat and scarf. Relief flooded through Anatoly at the sight, and he was too tired even to be angry at himself for leaving the door unlocked. He sat up and rubbed his eyes as Rosenbaum divested himself of his outerwear. 

Dr. Rosenbaum set his bag on the floor, fished out his stethoscope, and gave it a demonstrative shake. “In the interests of being thorough,” he said, “although I trust your judgment. And mine, given how your cough sounded over the phone.”

Anatoly begrudgingly shrugged himself out from under the quilt, shivering and hugging his arms around his chest. A small part of him felt embarrassed to be seen by the senior doctor like this, like a sickly little boy curling into his sweater for warmth, but the much, much larger part of Anatoly was feeling entirely too wretched to care. 

Rosenbaum pressed his large, blessedly still-cool-from-the-early-spring-air, palm to Anatoly’s forehead and nodded decisively. “Mmhhmm.”

Anatoly chuckled hoarsely, the sound more like the crackle of radio static than any discernible noise. “Not very scientific.”

“Do you have a number for me, then?”

“It was thirty-nine even, earlier this morning.”

“Mhhmm,” Rosenbaum hummed again, satisfied. He placed the stethoscope in his ears, then carefully insinuated the chest piece up underneath Anatoly’s sweater. Even though he pressed the instrument gently to Anatoly’s back, Anatoly could not suppress a slight jump when the icy metal made contact with his feverish skin. 

 “Breathe in.” 

Anatoly endeavored to follow Rosenbaum’s directive, but his breath snagged before he had finished inhaling it, and a coughing fit punched its way out from his lungs between desperate, gasping breaths. Dimly, he was aware of Rosenbaum rubbing his shoulder blade soothingly as he coughed. 

“It’s alright, Anatoly,” he said, voice low and gentle. “It’s alright.”

When at last the fit backed down enough for Anatoly to draw in one shaky breath after another, he peered at Doctor Rosenbaum through watery eyes and swiped the back of his hand across his cheeks to brush away the tears that had spilled over. 

Rosenbaum gave his shoulder a final squeeze before straightening up and removing the stethoscope from around his neck. “Well the good news is, your illness has not clouded your diagnostic capabilities.” He went back to his bag and exchanged his stethoscope for a small bottle of pills, which he handed to Anatoly. 

“For your bronchitis.”

Anatoly accepted them gratefully. “Thank you,” he said, only for his breath to hitch. “Heh’KSHHIEW!”

“And for you.” Anatoly raised his head, to see Rosenbaum holding out a container of soup to him. When Anatoly had blinked in astonished recognition of the object, Rosenbaum nodded and placed it on the table in the kitchen. He smiled. “When it’s not a midnight sandwich, I don’t mind being summoned to bring a little food.”

Anatoly’s chest felt tight in a new way, one that had nothing to do with his illness. “Thank you,” he said, even though the words felt inadequate. His vision was growing blurry again, and he pressed the heel of his palm to his eyes to stave off the growing wetness.

Rosenbaum, to his credit, did not comment on that. “I have to make sure you regain your strength,” he said, a devilish grin creeping across his lips. “How else am I suppose to work you like a horse to get my repayment for all this, eh?”

[monitamon]

OKAY, serious update now that I am not loopy & running off 0 sleep...

Copy-paste for everyone: Emitted to the ER early this morning; couldn't stand my kidney stone pain anymore, or other issues.

Come to find out I have a life-threatening infection in my kidneys in addition to the 10mm blockage, which I am seeing someone about on monday for surgery. I'm on HEAVY duty antibiotics now & basically horse painkillers, LOL. Which, I am thankful for since last time I was in the ER for kidney stones, nobody fucking believed me until the CT scan. However, my bloodpressure is also critical & I need to get that fixed, too. Surgery first, I guess. My whole morning was a ton of people not believing me, & then my results came back & I was flooded with people. Doctors are great (sarcasm).

My bloodwork came back & then suddenly all the nurses well being extremely serious with me & they injected me with a ton of shit. One told me "I don't know how you're even standing right now, to be honest" sooo. I need to be more serious about my pain instead of trying to just ignore it since I kinda terrified the 5 nurses I had coming & going with me all day messing with my injections.

Anyway I am getting treatment & will be better in a few weeks. Just gotta rest right now & get surgery on Monday. HIATUS UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE. I was working on the Devimon project, but I gotta focus on this right now.

[aromanticle]

oh btw i have been veeery stressed out these past few weeks because of Cat issues . first my sirius got like a dozen kidney stones and had to be taken to the vet (its a long, stressful story that i won't be telling cause it makes me angry) then my toki simply disappears for like almost two days i think?? they're both safe and home now and getting a lot better but man . when toki ran away i was able to bottle up my emotions really well actually but that night sirius was meowing in pain in my bed and i couldn't do anything about it i got so stressed out that looking at the scarf i had just finished (it turned out ugly) made me break down and i couldn't stop crying and biting my arms for several hours

this was due to a lot of things, not just sirius, i was very stressed out and worried and tired and when i realized my cat's health was so bad it was life threatening and my mom was being That Way again and i had just spent days making something i hated (the scarf) and i could lose my kitty and it would be all my fault because i didn't take proper care of him i just couldn't pretend i wasn't feeling horrible anymore i even undid a whole crochet thing i made because i realized my mom didn't like (i made it for her) it and it was ugly too i almost threw away all my crochet hooks right there idek it was very stressful and i still feel awful when i think about sirius because no matter how many people say it isn't, i know it's all my fault he's suffering and uhhhhh yeah it's kinda making me hate myself again

[devilsskettle]

i can pretend i’m doing pretty good for a few weeks and feel really optimistic and positive - like i’m working, i don’t hate my jobs, i’m living independently, i’m planning the next steps in my education/career, etc - and then someone or something will completely shatter this perspective. like someone derisively said to me recently, i’m working “three part-time low level jobs” - dead ends that have nothing to do with my degree, and i can’t even get hired full-time at one of them in the fucking entry level customer service position that i have already been doing for months that they’re currently hiring for. because the directors of my department who i hardly ever interact with have decided i’m too quiet. to do literally the exact same job, just with more hours so i can maybe not be broke all the time. and people keep dragging up my past academic failures acting like my entire degree doesn’t matter because i have two Fs on my transcript. like big fucking deal. but i guess if i want to go back to school even just for a certificate program it matters. absolutely no faith in my other grades, my degree, my work experience, or the strength of my writing and interviewing skills for the application for a program to prepare for a job i KNOW i would be good at. but now have little faith in because i’m seeing myself the way other people see me now and it’s like. not great. how am i ever going to justify to anyone that they should admit me into their program or hire me knowing that this is what i am to people. anyway i literally took my diploma out of the frame and tore it in half the other day because it is such a useless piece of shit that will never get anyone to give me any credit or respect and it’s not something i’m even allowed to feel proud of anymore (despite people trying to convince me for months that i should even though i didn’t feel anything about it. but they wanted me to care about it) because my transcript isn’t fucking pristine. and then going to this fucking funeral where a bunch of people i don’t know want to hear about everything in my life and none of it is impressive enough for them and you can just see them failing at hiding how judgmental they are. and then you think you’re doing something nice for somebody else and it’s suddenly all turned around on you as if them ALLOWING you to help them was such a nice thing for them to do for YOU and actually you don’t appreciate all the things that they do and you’re ungrateful and mean, as if you didn’t drop everything the day after working the overnight shift to be there for them and also the entire weekend which you had to call off two days of work for. which of course was basically mandatory but still. god forbid i show an ounce of negativity right before going to a fucking funeral. and then there was that kidney stone i got that was definitely my fault because i drank nothing but alcohol for like a week straight leading up to it. not to mention all of the other parts of my diet that are unhealthy. anyway. 

all of that optimism and positivity feeling like i’m getting my shit together is crushed and it’s like suddenly, instead of living in a great neighborhood! with such an easy commute! that’s so beautiful this time of year! i’m in this awful house with these perfectly nice people who i fucking hate in this tiny dirty room that is clearly inhabited by a very mentally unstable individual who can’t handle basic household chores, i have to spend money to get on the dirty crowded bus every day to go to a job where people are dismissive and rude to me even though i am so polite and pleasant and helpful and friendly and everything that i’m told to be and i do all my work and i’m good at it and it’s still not enough because i’m not out here begging for attention for just doing my fucking job. and suddenly, instead of feeling like i have this Future where i’ll pursue a career that i might actually have a chance at succeeding in, it’s just like. well “you’ve been interested in other things in the past, how do you know this time will be different?” great question, thanks. i don’t fucking know. i probably will lose interest as soon as things get hard and give up and have wasted everybody’s time once again not to mention all kinds of money and energy, and i’ll be even more lost than before and i’ll probably just kill myself. is that what you want to hear? fuck. i don’t know, man, i just want enough money to live by myself and dress well and eat well and do some things that i like. actually i’m realizing how much of what i do is just to try to earn some kind of leverage to get people to show me just a little bit of basic human respect which of course they are never going to give me. anyway. not to mention that all of my friends are in different parts of the country and nobody here wants to hang out. to be fair i haven’t reached out recently but i tried really hard for a couple of months to be more social and i was the only one trying and it was too fucking hard and most of the time i just wished i’d stayed home. and i think there’s just something about me that people can tell is just kind of off and they don’t like me. and then a lot of times i drink too much. but it was a lot easier to feel like i didn’t need anyone and i was happy just being by myself because i liked my jobs and i was working all the time so i was busy but now. i don’t want to say that the illusion is shattered because it’s not really an illusion, but it’s like i was seeing the surface of a smooth pond reflecting all the light and now all i can see is the mud and algae and dead fish. literally i had to radio facilities to get a dead fish out of a fountain the other day, it was fucking gross 

[paradoxesofgalaxies]

When we moved back in with my parents four years ago, we were in the midst of a severe mental health crisis. Our perception of reality had become very warped and we were in complete disarray. We didn't have many friends to begin with but we drastically pulled back or cut contact with nearly everyone before fleeing (something about killing myself in every way but physically was the mindset of the part doing this). And when we moved back to that state, we didn't want to be there and didn't want to make any ties that would keep us there longer than necessary so we didn't try to make friends. Not that we were in any state to do so for the first few months.

And then, after over a year of recovering and making small improvements, we were ready to start trying to make friends. We were looking into local groups to try to meet new people. We started hanging out with a couple of my husband's coworkers.

And then the pandemic hit.

And for a long time, we only saw our husband and our family.

When we moved here this past fall, we were able to reconnect with our in-laws and a couple friends. We've still been really cautious though because of COVID. But it was so wonderful to finally have people to see aside from my family.

Yet I spent so long in that partial isolation that it's hard to interact with people. I get super anxious. I struggle to reach out. I often feel like I don't know how to socialize anymore.

But over the past week i feel like I've taken some big steps. I got past my anxiety and reached out to some online friends. Monday, I spent over six hours at a friend's house and had a lot of intense conversations while staying grounded and present. We then saw her again the next day to help tutor her kids and I got to have a lot of fun playing with son (who is most likely autistic) by throwing stacks of blankets and pillows back and forth at each other. I've been caring for my partner who has kidney stones and we've managed to step up to the task.

This week has really helped me regain some confidence in our ability to work together in social situations. Other parts fluidly stepped in to handle various situations and we worked together as a team.

And thank you to my darling online friends <3 i have learned so much from you about how to be a better friend and I treasure you all dearly

[wallabywannabe]

The only thing hugely different this week was my annual GYN visit. Which doesn't sound like much, but this year I was due for my pap smear, which I have been dreading for the past 3 years since my last one.

They're really painful for me. Don't know why. There's no medical reason for it. No history of trauma. It's not the MOST painful thing I've ever experienced, but somehow it's the scariest. Kidney stones are the most painful, but I recognize that feeling and it's a blinding kind of pain that leaves no room for other emotions. Pain from a speculum, though, feels very wrong, and there's plenty of mental capacity for panic.

I'm so ashamed of that, too, which is another big emotion that comes with it. I'm very pro modern, researched-backed medicine, which is why I think preventative procedures like pap smears are so very important. My dad's a freaking gynecologist, for crying out loud. I should be more comfortable with this stuff than anyone! But I'm not and I feel like a huge hypocrite.

So all that's going through my mind, and then this summer, I did an outpatient hospitalization program for mental health where I got a lot of practice FEELING my anxiety instead of ignoring it, which is something I hadn't realized I was doing. Previously I'd actually gotten very good at pushing anxiety very deep, which was useful for pushing through the day, but I think doing that EVERY day is exhausting to the point where I'd just completely collapse every few months. Anyway, I'm digressing a bit.

So it's been a few months since that program, and I have fallen back into old habits a bit, but I think the pap smear anxiety was too intense to ignore like normal. I do manage to mostly ignore it until I'm in the exam room and I'm...waiting.

I'm waiting and waiting, and I start to feel it all bubbling up in my chest. I distract myself by reading all the flyers in the room. I try to memorize the anatomy posters on the walls. I do deep breathing. I do wall squats and jumping jacks. I pace. I sit down. I examine the patterns on my gown. I look up french poetry and recite it out loud. And in between trying all of these strategies, I feel the anxiety rising up again and I fight back the urge to burst into tears.

Finally the exam happens, I tell the doctor I'm nervous, and she's really great. She tries to distract me with small talk, but when the pain starts I'm having a full blown anxiety attack and instead she has me count outloud to 30. She's done by the time I reach 15. She explains to me exactly how my cervix is shaped and what she was doing at each point when I started to feel pain, which helps demystify some of it.

I'm a bit embarrassed but mostly kind of frustrated with myself. This is the biggest physical reaction I've had to a pelvic exam before. Shouldn't I have gotten better over time, not worse?

But with a few day's distance, I'm starting to think it really was me being more in touch with myself emotionally than I have been in the past. The tears and hyperventilating are awkward side effects for me and it would be more convenient if I could have emotional breakthroughs that were slightly less obvious, but that's clearly not how I am.

I was wondering if I'd regressed emotionally, but after that happened, and then a few days later I feel like THIS? Normal, doing normal every day things without it being difficult? That must be progress. Even if it only lasts for 1 day, it's still progress. And it means changes for the better are possible.

[compassionatereminders]

Hi 🤍 I’ve been in trauma therapy with the same therapist for 1.5 years and it’s been transformative. But this year has had some bumps in my recovery because I’ve been chronically ill and this past week I was in the ER with a kidney stone so I missed a session.

Because of my trauma I don’t often feel safe with people- at all. It was just in the last few weeks I started to truly feel safe with my therapist and things felt like they finally clicked.

I went back today after not seeing her in 2 weeks and the energy was just off- as if it was the beginning of my treatment again. I felt like the session was a waste, and it wasn’t as resourceful and deep as the previous ones and I was quite upset afterwards.

Is this normal to experience dips in trust after time off or is this just me not feeling safe all over again? Is it possible to get back to that safe place? And should I tell my therapist how I feel about this session or would that upset them?

Thanks so much for your time with these asks, they’re quite comforting and helpful 🤍

I definitely think you should discuss this with your therapist. Having an open conversation about what went wrong is the first step towards finding a solution. So if you feel that something is off, talk about it. Maybe your therapist has some ideas for how to get back on track, or maybe it's time to try a different approach or find another therapist. Regardless, it's a conversation you need to have in order to continue moving forwards

[zharvolk]

Time for a Talk

 Hello, all!

It’s been a while since last I made my small Internet presence known. 

I mentioned on AO3 that I had been feeling really sick. Well, I was much sicker than I thought. Since June, I had been dealing with odd cases of illness. Nausea here and there. Aches and pains. Fevers always hovering between 100 and 101. And then came a terrible sore throat. I could barely eat. I lost a lot of weight.

In the midst of all this, I went to doctor visits. They told me it was a viral infection that developed into a bacterial infection, gave me antibiotics and sent me on my way. In early July, I woke one morning in pain that was worse than usual and went to the emergency room.

Come to find out, I have a large kidney stone and my kidney is basically dead. I had no idea. Apparently, every one of my health problems these past few years that we attributed to my stomach and digestive system, and some other less serious issues, stem from the kidney failure and the insane amount of infection that was developing inside me.

I got out of the hospital three weeks later. Still treating the infections. I’ve been on a 24-hour IV drip of antibiotics since.

On the 31st of August I go in to have my kidney removed.

And here we are, to my reason for this post. Because of my disability, there is even more of a risk to surgery. I know the risks and have accepted whatever may come. It might take me a bit to get back online as these procedures so far have left me very week during recovery. If I don’t ever post again, and the risks were too big, I wanted to let everyone know who pops by my blog now and then.

It’s been fun, everyone. I hope I make it back. I’ve really loved meeting so many beautiful people and I wish nothing but the best of things for you.

See you on the flipside!

[afoolforatook]

Um… if you know me Irl and read this I’m really sorry you’re hearing like this, but I’ve got to talk about it somewhere and I just don’t know who to text or call or tell at all. But I only found out a few hours ago and only a handful of my family knows, so please don’t let this leave tumblr for now…

(Can you not do read mores on mobile anymore or am I missing something? So sorry this isn’t under a read more but I can’t get on desktop rn)

Cw bad health and medical talk, isolation, cancer

But just I’m… the irony of feeling paralyzingly isolated and forgotten by all the important people in your life, and like no one would notice you missing.

And then the next day finding out you had/might still have a very rare kind of cancer (as in somethings I’m finding saying it’s like 1-2 cases in a million) , and you sit paralyzed for an hour trying to text literally any of your friends but keep second guessing yourself cause you don’t want to put more of your problems on them yet again, and don’t want to guilt them into talking to you for the first time in years if they don’t want to.

I’ve tried half a dozen people, and I just can’t bring myself to hit send.

I definitely had cancer and might have more, and I’ve isolated myself so thoroughly the past 6 years that I have literally no Irl friends I can bring myself to talk to about it.

The possible worst case scenario and the likely few more weeks at least till I’ll really know, isnt scaring me as much as the idea that I’ll go through this alone too.

I’m just…. I’m scared and lonely and I genuinely have no idea what to do.

I made it through almost three years without getting covid, or even needing to get tested before two weeks ago, and then I find out I’ve had a super rare type of appendiceal cancer slowly growing for likely years, that probably wouldn’t have been found if it weren’t for a kidney stone and endometriosis (oh yeah, got that confirmed this week too) and would probably have just continued growing until it ruptured my appendix and quite possibly killed me.

All that said, it’s looking like it might be the best conditions they could have found it in: seemingly having not even spread from the tumor to the actual tissue of the appendix, let alone beyond the appendix (which is apparently uncommon since it’s usually not found until later stages), and what I think seem to be all promising lower end of stage or grade numbers. Still a lot I don’t know or understand (I’ve literally known for like 3 hours, and I didn’t talk to the dr so I’m just hearing from my mom and reading the report in my patient portal and trying to understand the little info I can find online that I can mostly make sense of) and don’t have the Drs opinion on how likely finding anything more (or even needing to look) will be, but rn just trying to focus on how things seem like they’re the more hopeful findings and not freak out.

And it’s still gonna be probably another two weeks at least until we know if it was all removed with my appendix and I’ll be fine and just need more frequent screenings or if I’ll need to have another surgery to remove some of colon and lymph nodes so they can test for it there, and then know if we need to start talking about chemo.

I’m just…. I don’t feel it as much as I probably should. Scared or sad or mad. Mostly I just feel completely alone. And it’s my own fault.

[hains-mae]

Flowers

(Damian x Reader) Soulmate AU

Rating: T

Ages: Damian and you are 16, everyone’s ages follow after.

Summary: Soulmate AU where the wounds on your soulmate turns into a flower tattoo on your skin, if it heals with no scars the tattoo goes away, if it heals with a scar then the tattoo stays. You are just an ordinary girl, with an ordinary life, so one might think it only makes sense that your soulmate is just as ordinary as you. But that isn’t the case. Especially not when your body is constantly littered with flowers. Some of them fade over time, some stay, but one thing is for certain – your soulmate seems to get hurt. A lot.

Notes: Hey there you guys. Recently I’ve been caught up in a Batman fever, and I can’t do anything about it. I ended up creating a challenge for my friend @mrevaunit42​ which was an “Character x Reader” Soulmate AU. Seriously, it was all in the name of fun.

And then I got caught up in it, perhaps a little too much – and created this. I’ve never written a soulmate au before, though I really wanted to. (Now I have! Yay~) So please forgive my writing since I’m a little rusty, and I hope you enjoy.

Stay safe everyone.

Disclaimer: I do not own DC. If I did, I wouldn’t make it as confusing as it is now.

I woke up to a burning sensation on my lower ribs in the middle of night. Hissing in pain I slowly pushed my feet out of the warm covers and turned on the lamp beside my bed. Pulling up my shirt I assessed the damage.

It was purple lilacs this time, stretched across the middle of my torso going horizontally to my side. I winced as the tattoo completed itself and just as the heat came, a cold chill ran through it and down my spine. Somehow it soothed the burn.

God, another one? I frowned at the beautiful flower and sighed. It worried me that my soulmate was prone to getting hurt. Sometimes the injuries made sense, like when I found them on my knees, I could easily chalk it up to falling and scraping – but injuries like these were more difficult to decipher.

How does someone normal get hurt this way?

They don’t.

“Unless they’re a criminal.” One of my friends stated dryly days ago.

“Or a hero!” Another said quickly.

Needless to say, I wasn’t in a rush to find out. Whoever this person was, I knew from the start that they were trouble.

The next time I woke, it was to the early morning rays that escaped my curtains and played a fiery dance on my eye lids. I groaned and pulled the covers up wishing I could sleep in for a couple more minutes, but I knew I couldn’t.

A few weeks ago my school, Gotham Academy, announced that they were holding their annual science fair at a convention centre as opposed to the regular school gymnasium, because surprisingly enough, Wayne Enterprise offered to fund the event.

It was no secret that Gotham’s economy was hitting below the desired margin. Many people don’t have jobs which resulted in an influx of crime in the past years. And so Wayne Enterprise collaborated with Gotham’s Department of Homeland Security (DHS) to raise awareness and encourage young minds to strive for a better, innovative future. They shouldered the expenses needed and created an international affair, to top it off; Wayne Ent. also offered scholarships to future college goers and internships in all their branches.

Which was why I couldn’t sleep in today. I had project to work on. In line with our team of sponsors, I decided to invent a weapon that could help the GPD when catching criminals. A gun that projects thin plastic case marbles filled with a chemical concoction that erupts into a quick hardening foam upon impact. The foam itself is not toxic, but it works with catching and detaining. It turns as hard as stone but there was another type of compound that I was in the process of creating to counter act it as a measure of safety.

I got up and started my day.

“Good morning sweetheart.” My mom greeted as I entered the kitchen. She smiled warmly at me as she placed a plate of eggs and bacon on the table.

I couldn’t help but return the gesture, walking up to her and placing a kiss on her cheek. “Morning Mom, are you working tonight?”

“I have to, but don’t worry I’ll be leaving something in the fridge for dinner.”

I thanked her and took my plate into the living room. Turning on the T.V., I easily found the news channel and watched the latest reports on Gotham’s activities.

Mom sometimes had to work on weekends just to make ends meet, which was one reason why I was so hard to get that scholarship and hopefully the internship as well. The other reason was…

A family picture caught my eye in the middle of the news and I bit back a sigh. My dad, my mom, and me. We all were smiling at the camera.

Dad was part of the Police force and died during a heist. Reports stated he was running after the criminals and got shot before he could capture them. That was another reason I chose this as my project. Dad always wanted to fight for justice, hopefully this invention could help.

I finished up my breakfast and helped my mom with chores before I slipped into science mode and continued tinkering with the project. The projectiles were complete and I was able to make 3 in total, which I stored in a small box encased with extra padding.

It was around evening after my mom left that I got another burn. I dropped the screwdriver I was holding and bit my lip. Gasping for breath I pulled my sleeve and watched another flower blossom on my forearm.

The pain was gone in an instant and the cold tickled the skin that was branded. I sighed and slowly straightened my poster. This person, after all these injuries, they better not die before I meet them. I grumbled to myself when I realised I was short on supplies. Poor planning on my part.

I grabbed my bag and locked the front door before I headed out to the nearest hardware store, careful to keep my marks hidden from view. I’ve lived in Gotham my whole life, and I knew that standing out, even in the smallest way, would lead into trouble.

The walk to the store was short and uneventful, thankfully. There were only a few customers. I manoeuvred my way between the isles and picked up what I needed. After paying at the counter I hauled my goods and ducked back into the streets. I almost wished I didn’t stop when I heard that woman cry out for help. I was unarmed, unprepared, and every cell in my body screamed at me to walk – no – run away from the scene that was unfolding before my eyes.

But she was helpless. Clad in a trench coat and rain boots, she didn’t look like much but her bag was definitely designer. The thieves in question had a knife pointed at her face. There were 6 of them. All were towering and bulky next to her petite frame. Their menacing stares struck a cold shiver in me and my hand involuntarily clutched the projectiles I was working on in my pocket. I had a feeling it would be safer with me than it would be at home, however this was not how I imagined I’d first be using them.

The woman screamed again and I clenched my palm.

I sucked in some air and got ready to shout at the perpetrators – until I felt the wind rush past my ear.

In a flash someone had swooped into the scene and kicked the man holding the knife to the ground. The sound of blades being drawn stole my attention. It was Robin. He took a stance between the woman and the men.

“Run. Now.” He told the lady.

She whimpered and scrambled up to her feet dashing towards me, towards the entrance of the alley. She zipped past and didn’t stop running till she turned the corner. I should be running too. But my eyes were fixed on the fight that was about to happen.

Robin seemed no older than me. In reality there was no way he could win against 6 huge men. But then again, this was Robin. No normal teenager.

“6 against 1.” He mused, the grip on his katana tightened. “That hardly seems fair.”

The one who held the knife, possibly the leader of the gang, growled thickly. “Get‘im boys.”

They all rushed towards him at the same time, hands in the air and weapons ready. Robin whipped his blade and easily knocked two knives down, the remaining used their strength and threw punches that looked like it would strike anyone straight to next week. The masked boy effortlessly dodged all their hits. Crouching, jumping, twisting, exactly when needed and not a second too late. His movements were precise; a quick jab below the rib striking the kidney with the handle of the sword, a sharp slam of his elbow to the chin, and to close the deal with a blunt blow force to the side of the neck. The goon fell like a tree that’s been cut down.

I gaped in awe.

The others rushed to avenge their fallen comrade, but Robin was quicker and used his blade to disable them. He kicked one of them into the brick wall, a sickening crunch echoed as the goons’ head smashed into it, then a howl of pain when Robin sliced his back. I cringed at the sight of the blood. It was a superficial wound, at least from my vantage point. The cut was deep enough to hurt and draw red, but not enough to kill.

The next lunged himself and grabbed Robin’s wrist, the boy growled and kicked him the face, forcing to free himself. He couldn’t see the other one running towards them from behind, the weapon aiming straight for Robin’s back.

“Robin!” I found my voice and screamed. “Behind you!”

He did a roundhouse kick and slammed the head of the one holding his wrist, then using the momentum back flipped and kicked the one who was behind.

I sighed in relief.

“What are you doing just standing there?!” He shouted at me as he readied himself again. “I said run!”

That got all the men’s attention. The ones that fell got back up and huffed angrily.

“Get the girl!” The leader shouted. “We can use her.” His leer sent bile rushing up my throat.

I squeaked as 3 of them started to chase me. Finally my legs listened and I dashed across the street onto the other pavement.

They were too fast though, their thundering footsteps grew closer towards me. My lungs burned as I tried to inhale some much needed oxygen, physical sports like running really weren’t my thing. I nearly tripped on an uneven tile as a scream rippled out of my throat. I braced myself for impact but it never came. Instead I felt a rush of wind across my face and a lightness below me. The ground was getting further and further away.

I realised I was being carried. Looking up, I was face to face with Red Robin.

“God thing I saw you when I did or you’d be dead meat.” He said dryly as we landed on a roof.

“Th-thank you.” I breathed, trying to gulp in as much needed air as I could. “Robin – he –“ But I didn’t know how to articulate. The adrenaline rush was messing with my head, and I could barely think straight.

Yet Red Robin nodded, understanding. He jumped off the roof and shot his grappling hook. I peered down and saw the fight started to move, from the alley to the side walk. The goons cornered Robin into a store front and were relentless as they threw punch after punch. The other 3 that were chasing me were already fighting Red just below the building that he deposited me on.

I watched in horror as the glass shattered everywhere around them. They weren’t just normal gangs I discerned, they knew how to fight. And unlike the birds and bat, they didn’t mind taking a life.

Clutching the projectiles again in my pocket, I brought them up with trembling hands.

“I hope this works.” I whispered to myself and pulled out my elastic hair tie.

Hooking one of the orbs onto the elastic, I aimed for the goons attacking Robin, and pulled as far as the band could go. Willing my hand to stop shaking, I said a silent prayer and released my hold.

Time seemed to go into slow motion as it flew across the air. I held my breath.

It hit the ground between two goons and burst into a big foamy cloud of vibrant cobalt, instantly seizing the men and solidified their prison as the concoction cooled.

Both fights stopped for a split second, as they watched the chemical reaction, which now looking back was a mistake on all parties.

I gasped and thanked whoever was listening.

The leader roared and pulled a pistol. I felt my throat tighten as the gun set a bullet free.

Robin and I cried out in pain as the bullet dug into him. Tears threatened to roll down my cheek as I clutched my burning shoulder.

A birdarang zipped towards the leader, catching his wrist and making him let go of the weapon. With a grunt, Robin kicked him hard across the chest stealing the perpetrators breath and with a quick turn, smashed his foot onto the mans jaw, cracking it before letting him fall with a loud thud.

The fight continued and Robin easily subdued his last opponent. Then he ran across the street to finish up with Red. Both of them moved in fluid motions like well trained dancers as they fought while protecting each others weak spots. They took down the last 3 goons and tied them up just as the police sirens blared within the distance.

I jumped up from my spot and turned to run but stopped when I saw the two Robins in my path.

“You.” The younger one started. “You were the one who shot the…”

I nodded wordlessly, still feeling the adrenaline coursing through my body. A nasty red splotch caught my attention and I believe they both noticed as I glanced at it. My own hand went up and clutched my shoulder unconsciously, a cold sensation rippled through where the bullet was.

“Oh my god.”

---

to be continued...

Part 2, 3, 4, 5 (end)

[my-wayward-son]

A Rant about Things

TW for mental health talk.

----------

So. I haven't updated this blog in a while. I'm sorry. I've been posting a few health/life updates to the other blog along with my creative content, so if you follow me over there, you know how things have generally been going, which is... spotty.

Here's the latest conundrum:

My roommate (the one who's kind of head of household) had surgery for severe kidney stones in mid-November. She was way out of commission, in a ton of pain, advised by her doctor not to bend over, the whole nine yards. The surgery... didn't exactly work out as planned. (I completely understand this; my colectomy last year had me in the hospital approx. a week longer than originally quoted, tons of complications, etc.). But when she was still spending all day in bed going on a month later... I couldn't help being a little... perturbed, I guess? Even after my colectomy, for which I had an epidural, for fuck's sake, the nurses had me up and walking the halls of my ward before I was conscious enough to remember doing it. I was on this really strict PT/physical recovery plan, and there's kind of something to be said for it. Everybody's different, and I probably shouldn't be making comparisons, but... IDK.

Then, around December 10-ish, I came down with this awful fever. Urgent Care was necessary, rapid COVID and flu tests negative, UTI diagnosed, antibiotics prescribed. I went to see my GP, and she thought I probably had a virus as well, like rhinovirus or similar, as I'm immunosuppressed (low IGG, H&H, etc.). I spent a good 4 or 5 days completely blitzed and unable to stay awake because my body was really confused and expending so much energy attacking the illness. Now it's going on 3 weeks later, and I'm still not 100%. My J tube feeding rate is at 33 (my usual is 60), so I'm getting about half my normal amount of nutrition, as well as missing out on a good deal of fluid intake. My head is perma throbbing, maybe due to dehydration, and maybe because I've outgrown/become immune to my migraine and headache preventatives. My neuro is trying to get me on something else, but insurance is still pondering (Happy Holidays, everybody). I'm still having flashes of fever/nausea/lightheadedness. I hate it.

To make matters worse, I had a serious issue with my J tube around Thanksgiving (the inner balloon failed, and it became non-functional for several days). Since it was replaced, the stoma has been weeping bile around the neck of the tube. Even though I've been coating the area in basically every barrier cream I can find, it's created a huge chemical burn that hurts like mad, especially when I bend over. It seeps through gauze, tube pads, and my shirts, requiring changes multiple times a day. The tube was kind of poorly placed using an old fashioned technique and a peg, so to some extent there's nothing we can do about it, but this is an unacceptable situation for long-term living. I see GI in late January. We're seeing about moving it up, but that's probably not possible.

With my current health situation, I've been really frustrated with, well, life. I don't do well with not doing well, and physical pain/discomfort tends to bring on issues with mental health (hopelessness, etc.). I have some past trauma that happened in conjunction with physical illness, so that kind of makes me feel, like, desperate? Like if I can't feel better right now, I never will, and I may as well give up? I know that attitude is incredibly unhelpful to me and everyone/everything in the household, and I feel really guilty for having it. It puts me in a bad mood and makes me teary and exhausted and reclusive.

Additionally, with the current health situation (and the holidays, people coming over, etc.) I've been falling way behind on my obligations and chores. DD has been picking up my slack, which has been super unfair, since she does basically everything else around the house as well. The roommates generally refuse to do anything anywhere anytime, including preparing their own food, doing their own laundry, feeding their own pets, throwing away their own trash... the list could go on. (One of them works full time and is in the beginning stages of college, and the other, well, is pretending to still be incapacitated post-surgery.). Sorry for my judgement. I think it would be reasonable (tell me if I'm totally off base, here) if the kidney stone roommate could pick up a few gentle tasks, like emptying the drainer basket beside the sink (this can be done completely from a standing position) and picking up recyclables from the living room sofa (um... yeah... that's a thing that actually has to be done). But, no. It's a pipe dream.

I'm working on a daily schedule/chore chart for myself so I can 'do better' whilst also writing in my weekly lab draws, ballet class (assuming I have enough energy), and the appointments with cardiology, neuro, GI, urology, derm, the GP, etc. I am really grateful to DD and the roommates for allowing me the time and providing support to manage my health. I'd honestly probably not be alive if I still lived alone-- I wouldn't have known what symptoms needed urgent medical attention or how to ensure I got everything I require to stay healthy. Not that I'm especially healthy rn...

Let me put the home situation another way, just to show how nuts it is. The kidney stone roommate never, ever says hello to me first. She claims she does, and that I ignore her, but I know I don't, because I literally had to learn how to socialize (autistic kid who formerly lived alone, remember?). I purposefully say 'hi' to her when she comes downstairs from bed in the morning (usually afternoon). She generally yawns in reply, with a few random speech sounds mixed in. I think it's rude. She usually plops somewhere, and I'm usually rushing around picking things up trying not to offend her that my stuff/the kids' stuff is in her way. She never asks how I am or how I'm feeling, even though my health has been shit. I quite literally walk into the living room each evening with a box and ask for her to put her empty bottles and cans (soda and flavored water, usually) in it so I can walk it outside to the recycling bin. Sometimes she can't find/reach them all and I find them in the morning hiding between the couch cushions.

All of this happens on the daily, and we're all still on 'good' terms. We're all taking our assorted pharmaceuticals to stay an even enough keel. I'm trying to lay off the sedatives and build up my energy level during the day. Focus more. Play with the kids. Cuddle the cats. But life is fucking hard. Sometimes I'm banging my head against the wall, and sometimes I'm quite content to take a breath and work on the laundry with the dog pinning me between the basket and the wall.

My kid is having a fit right now, and we're going to see Spider-Man at the theater this afternoon. That about sums it all up. I'm sorry. Thanks for listening.