#i have had a kidney stone for like

[so-very-small]

a friendly giant tries to gently approach tiny me but they don’t know i accidentally lapsed on my antidepressants for a week and i just start biting the shit out of their hand the second its in reach like fucking shredding that thing im like a two inch bundle of knives and claws and i know a rage only held by people who realize they’re acting unmedicated but cannot restrain it. bc of the being unmedicated. get bit idiot.

[reallybadblackoutpoems]

Group chat with friends 2023

group chat with friends (2023) - ducklesspond and friends

"help mine dick thats ugly that one yes for me indeedy"

submitted by @ducklesspond

[danielnelsen]

peach (my cat) is having a full-day vet appointment to scan and possibly remove some teeth (the perks of only being allowed wet food)

completely unrelated, but anything regarding peach’s health or her being somewhere else or anything even mildly off with her routine or behaviour is probably by biggest anxiety and panic trigger

[piscesxmoon]

dang if my life could stop falling apart for like. even one entire day lmao

[kurtsascot]

but yes bc of my dads kiss with death my klaine fanzine fic is tragically still incomplete so to whoever makes art of my fic im sorry u have less time to work with the material 💗💗💗💗 ur lovely and i love you and i will get it done asap

[heartoflesh]

I want out of this pain... I want out of this mental torture that suppresses my mind. I've wanted to die. How do you medically induce amnesia?

The only thing worth going through this pain is the gain of heaven some day.

[jojoturnip]

It's the first kidney stone I've had since living with you.

I realized after moving out that they had much less to do with my diet and much more to do with stress. Living with you hurt me in a lot of ways, especially at the end.

And, I'm not saying it's all you, obviously. I made a habit of piling my plate so full that I wouldn't have too see past the mountain of things to do to the work of healing and rebuilding myself. Our third roommate, the fleas, transitioning from college to working full time. That was all stress.

But, in my last few months of living with you, I was getting stones regularly. Something that had never happened before. And I'd had those busy-body habits most of my life.

It's heartbreaking, you know? Because I really did love you. I really did want to be your friend forever. I really would've lived with you again.

But, I was hurting myself.

I don't think you ever noticed it. I want to think you didn't know you were hurting me.

The first time I really cried after leaving was when I found out that you weren't narcoleptic. I'd always imagined that you couldn't get out of bed and do it yourself. That it had to be me by default, not by your choice.

I'm not so certain anymore.

That's not to say I don't believe you can't be chronically ill and struggle to get out of bed in another way. Of course you can.

But I was passing fucking kidney stones the whole goddamn time, and I still carried myself and then part of you, too.

Today was the first day I've taken off sick at my job. I really haven't felt sick much at all--a rarity for me in through the winter months. The latest stone came from stress, I invited my grandparents over after not speaking to them for three years.

I was so scared and nervous and just out of my mind. I did everything I could to distract myself, but I felt terrible. I knew I had to do it, before August rolled around. Sooner rather than later. I'd promised.

It makes sense that they're coming stressed me out enough to give me a stone. It makes sense that I've had more nightmares keeping me up recently.

What doesn't make sense is that they handled everything better than you did.

I spoke the truth to them. Not about everything, but enough. They don't need to know my whole story. We just have to find neutral ground. For my sister. For her daughter.

It hurt, and I cried so much the whole time, and they didn't even remember some of the hardest parts of my life. They tried to argue they had done more to face my father when we were kids, to get him to be a better dad, but they claimed he was out of their control. Claimed that he still is.

We're not on friendly terms. I doubt we ever will be, but they took it all so much better than you. They recognized I had my own life, and that I wouldn't be taking abuse or staying silent about it any longer. I'd felt my ted-talk communication skills kick in, and I'd expressed understanding for their side, too. It would be hard to accept your son is a shit father.

They can't deny it much anymore. He's scheduled a cruise for when his granddaughter is due.

Things haven't been easy lately. Hell, I've met so many of my darkest fears head on since the end of last year. My world has flipped inside-out, upside-down. But, I've been pushing through it okay. I'm so much stronger than I thought I was.

It breaks my heart again after meeting with my grandparents to know there was an option for a different reality. You could've been there, beside me, carrying our own loads but lifting each other all the while. We could've grown closer. We could still be friends.

I miss you a lot. I'm not afraid to say that. I can hold the contradictive love and fear in my hands. Do you still have nuance, even though she detests it?

Sometimes, I wish you were still around. I have so many stories to tell you, so many questions to ask. Sometimes I wish my therapist would tell me that I had done something wrong so I could grovel at your knees and beg for forgiveness, beg to start again.

I'll always miss you. But, you weren't healthy for me. And I know you aren't safe for my loved ones now.

I have to live with missing you. And the fears you've left behind.

At least there are fewer kidney stones.

[sagxshi]

guess who spent 5 hours in the emergency room last night

[bunnyb34r]

Lmao so for the past two weeks or so I've been going on long car rides after work, usually getting on the freeway and just going in one direction til I get bored

Well I've been going farther and farther east and each time I was like hey let's go ooooone more county (at least) than last time

Well today I was like okay went to (far east county) last time, let's go to the next one

Yeah the next one is Pennsylvania SGGDGDGDGD I was like oh... sggdgdgd okay then that's fun

When I hit the state I saw a sign saying "buffalo New York 110 miles" and was like 👀 sgdggdgdhd so maybe next time...

[so-very-small]

so so sorry to make this post but. i believe i have kidney stones again and am in major Pain; i have an appointment for my doctor tomorrow. money is very tight rn, with moving and everything on top of this, so any help i could put towards the co-pays/meds would be so appreciated

[deeisace]

aw damn it

[inkmaze]

I know it's bc a lot of medical professionals often don't have much of a clue or awareness abt trans ppl but I do find it kind of funny now that I "pass" as a dude when they assume smth about my body or experiences when it's sooo otherwise. like. I know general statements work for the cis majority but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ the minority is still out there

[magdaclaire]

having an alcoholic family system is something that can make a guy have such bad relationships with substances and intoxication

[make-me-imagine]

There might not be much content posted until after Thanksgiving because I am

STRESSED

xx

[blairwitchapologist]

missing out on like 4 fun things that i got invited to tonight bc i have a kidney infection and i’m terrified of it starting to hurt again while i’m out :)

[fantasticlyclever]

Ugh another day of struggling if I go to the ER. I was just there for a migraine because the VA couldn't get me a doctor's appt. I don't really want to go back... but I'm pretty sure I have a kidney stone or something along those lines and they can't get me a CT scan until Friday... and if I go now they can fix me before my physical therapy appt this afternoon that I struggled to get.... ugh I hate the VA and I'm not too fond of my body giving up on me right now.