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#i have to be awake for work in three hours
woso-dreamzzz · 3 days
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Injured (Alba's Version) IV
Alexia Putellas x Teen!Reader
Summary: The aftermath
*TW: parental neglect, aftermath of suicide*
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It takes Alexia nearly a week until she realises you're missing.
You're self-sufficient and independent. You've never needed much and it's not weird for Alexia to not see you for days on end.
You come home from whatever you spend your days doing and go straight to your room.
You make your own meals, she's pretty sure because she never has to make extra. Just enough for a family of three. Two when Olga is away from work.
It's a fleeting thing really, the only way that she realises you've disappeared.
She knocks on your door, intent on finally having that conversation about what you're planning on doing with your future.
There's no answer.
"Now's not the time to sulk, y/n," She calls through the door," If you don't come out then I'm coming in!"
Still silence.
"One! Two!"
Alexia doesn't wait for three, shoving open the door.
She expects to see you on your bed, sulking or whatever it is you do when she's not around.
You're not there though.
Your bed is made. Your clothes are packed away.
There's nothing out of place. Nothing to prove that this room was even really yours apart from a few neat stacks of paper on your desk.
Alexa glances over them, frowning as if they'd give her the answer to where you've gone.
She's been home since last night, the first one up and awake in the house. There's no way you could have snuck past her.
"Jaume!" She yells out," Where's your sister?"
"I don't know! Out with friends or something?"
That's odd.
Alexia can't remember the last time you mentioned a friend to her. To be honest, Alexia can't remember the last time the two of you actually had a conversation.
She shuffles through the papers on your desk.
Yes, she thinks, you must be with friends because there's three tickets to a ballet performance on Saturday.
You must be wanting to take them with you.
It's only when Alexia sits up that night, waiting for you to come home, that she gets the sinking feeling you're not coming back.
She waits for hours until the early hours of the next morning and the sun begins to rise before panic lances through her chest.
You've not come home.
She checks her phone, wondering if she missed a text saying you would stay at a friend's house but there's nothing.
She checks your room, just to see if you've climbed in through the windows but they're locked.
You are nowhere.
She pulls Jaume out of school for the day. She calls Olga to come home from Madrid.
She scours all of the places she thinks you hang out but you're nowhere to be seen.
It's almost like you've never existed in the first place.
The call comes in the evening.
It's Alba.
"I can't talk right now," Alexia says after two missed calls," I'm-"
"I'm sorry," Alba says instead.
"What?"
"I'm sorry." Alba chokes her words out like they're so physically painful she can barely say them. Like she's so numb that even talking is difficult. "I tried but..."
"Alba? What's happened? Listen, I really can't talk right now. I'm-"
"I really did try. They did too but it was already too late."
"Alba, what is going on?"
"We should go to the hospital," Alba says," I'll send you which one."
In the deepest pit of her chest, Alexia already knows what has happened. In some deep, dark part of her, she's known since Alba called. In the worst, most hidden piece of herself, Alexia has known since the beginning.
It's an awful thing for an aunt to see.
It's a terrible thing for a brother to see.
It's even worse for a mother to see.
A picture goes up at the ballet company.
(Alexia didn't even know you joined one).
It's of you smiling, the headhsot that they used on the website, displayed proudly in the main foyer.
'Rest In Peace' sits under it and a little plaque with your name and how long you lived. It states your interests with no hint about trains at all. It talks about your reserved disposition but mentions how you endeared yourself to everyone.
Flowers sit under it, bouquets upon bouquets from the dancers and the staff and audience members who have seen you perform.
(Alexia has never been to a performance once).
Support pours in from people Alexia hasn't spoken to in years. Old coaches. Old teammates. Old friends.
Everyone seems to have a fond memory of you but all Alexia can think about is the last words she said to you.
She can't remember them.
She can't remember what she said or how she felt or what she was doing.
There is a gap in her memory from that moment.
Everyone talks about you so fondly, with such clarity that Alexia can't replicate.
You have gone on a wisp of breeze and Alexia is left trying to catch the impossible.
Her mind circles around herself, trying to work out where this all went wrong.
She loved you. She loved you so much.
Her beautiful baby girl who was a little nervous and a little quiet but beautiful all the same.
The little girl who loved trains and ballet and doing all the super feminine stuff that Alexia had to learn when she was a bit older.
The people around her tell stories of you, like Ingrid talking about how you used to love having her braid your hair back but Alexia sits there numb.
She's been numb since she saw your body in the hospital morgue.
She's been numb since the funeral where you lay in your coffin, perfectly peaceful like you were taking a long sleep.
She's been numb since they all returned to Eli's house for food and drink to celebrate your life.
Alba is not talking to her, has not talked to her outside what is needed since she called.
Alexia hasn't even noticed, too preoccupied with the realisation that she's a mother that just had to bury her daughter.
It was not a disease that took you. It was not a heart attack. It was not a random attack on the street.
It was you.
You made this decision, decided that this world was not worth living in anymore. That you could no longer cope with everything happening around you.
Things that Alexia has no knowledge on and, now, will never have any knowledge on.
You thought that this path was better than returning home.
You thought that everything would be better, more peaceful if you took your life away.
People have been cautious around Alexia, seeing just how close she is to tears.
She didn't cry during the funeral when you were lowered down into the ground with nothing but a neat blouse and a skirt.
Nothing to take with you now that you're gone.
Olga had to pack your things away in your room because Alexia could not force herself to even step through the doorway.
Your things are gone.
You are gone.
And Alexia will never know why.
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slasher-jax · 3 days
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Can you write a muti slasher with an s/o that does this ⬆️
I belive you mean that they eat kinda lasily so that what I'll write. :)
Characters: Thomas Hewitt, Art the Clown, Nubbins Sawyer, Bubba Sawyer, and Chop-Top Sawyer
Tired Eater
Art the Clown
Genuinely leaves you there
Tries to wake you up by snapping in your face
^gives up about five minutes later
Can't be bothered to wait for you
Will leave you there and come back later to pick you up
Tries to mime at you to get you to hurry up
Thomas Hewitt
Is very worried
Taps his momma's shoulder to ask her what to do
^Gets told to try and help you eat at least a little bit, then lead you up do bed
If Hoyt even tries anything, Thomas is chuncking him into a wall
^Fr, he got grounded (he wasn't allowed to see you for three hours)
Takes all the beatings for you
At first he thinks it's heat exhaustion so he tries to make sure you're not over-working yourself
^And god forbid he find out Hoyt is making you push yourself way past your limits
Nubbins Sawyer
You think you can be tired at a table with this guy?!
You are highly mistaken
He is, without a doubt, hooping and hollering, shaking you, shaking the table
He's shaking everything to keep you awake
Drayton yells at him a few times to cut it out
I like the idea that Drayton is a lot sweeter towards you rather than his brothers, so if you are still trying to eat after everyone else is done, he'll come over and gently shake you, tell you to go on up to bed, and that he's got the dishes tonight
Nubby doesn't understand why you're feeling this way, but he will grab you like a koala grabs a tree and hold onto you all night long, just to (try) to make sure you get enough sleep (should I start writing a series about how they sleep?)
Bubba Sawyer
So worried
He, like Thomas, is also worried that you might have gotten heat exhaustion
Despite Drayton yelling at him not to, he grabs you and carries you down to the basement with your food, hoping that it would be cooler down there so you could eat
He sits with you and helps feed you as well, hoping to help you feel better
He starts doing his chores quicker so he can start helping you with yours, hoping you won't get so exhausted
Chop-Top Sawyer
Again, he is hooping and hollaring, if you can still be tired through that, then even I'm worried about you
It kinda ends in the same way as Nubbins, however he is more worried about you then Nubbins
He knows a bit more, and knows it can still be pretty hot, so you probably have heat exhaustion
He tries getting you a fan, laying down on the floor with you (you ended up just falling asleep) but eventually, he just shook you awake and fed you
^Wouldn't suggest that tho as he can get kinda finicky when anywhere around your face, so he will start shaking and probably accidentally stab the roof of your mouth with the utensils he was using to feed you :|
Anyways, hope you enjoyed. Sorry it took me so long. I have another ask in my box that I will start working on soon.
@puppet200 @purpleeggyboi @th3-r4t-48 @zeroisreallygood @im-a-simp898 @artsycrow46 @evry1h8s-me @aflairforthemelodramaticc @caretaleandotherstuff
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Hii! I just found your works and I am IN LOVEEEE OMGGG 🫶🫶
I’m not too good at requesting these things, but could I ask for a Logan Howlett x short! AFAB reader?
I’m 4’11 and haven’t grown since sophomore year of high school, and everyone I know comments on it in every sort of way, and usually in a demeaning, teasing kind of way. (Like, going out of their way to make fun of me and stuff I can’t do, or how they can’t take me seriously). And no one listens to me when I tell them that it’s starting to hurt my feelings or be annoying lol
It can be a full fic or just a couple HC’s, up to you!!! Please take your time and don’t forget to take care of yourself 🫶
YES OFC I wish I got more asks bru
Anyway thank you
Tw ⚠ : short reader, afab reader, sexual tension, sexual talking, protective logan, masturbation (f),
You lay in you bed not wanting to go downstairs, logan had been gone for days on a mission for Xavier to find another mutant and she had to sub for Storm because because there both gone.
Logan was supposed to call you after class so you reluctantly got up got dressed and went downstairs to the classroom, you always hated leaving your room without Logan he was practically your bodyguard because of how some of the other girls treated you because of your hight you are 4'11 after all and they always told you she looked like a kid but when logan stepped in they left you alone.
There was even a time when you almost threw the girl into the fountain for bullying her but logan put a stop to it ever since then he always took a liking to you.
You made it to the classroom with no run-ins land waited for your students to show up for class you were teaching how to control your powers with mind, body and soul.
Storm is better then me with children
You thought to yourself as the kids started walking in, you waved at them as they took there seats and began your lesson.
After you were done you got a call from logan.
"Hey bub." He talked into the phone, you looked down at the floor wishing he was here instead.
"I'm really hungry,but the kids were fine," you walked back to your room. "And I miss you when will you be back?"
He looked around the hotel. "Me and the others should be back tomorrow afternoon." You laid in bed and looked at his side.
"I want you so bad loagn I wish you were here with me," he regretted taking this mission knowing it would be stressful for you. "Touching me, and telling me I'm yours." You moaned into the phone.
His pants tightened thinking of you laying on your bed waiting for him.
"Trust me honey I'll be there soon enough, now sit and be a good girl for me when I get back I love you." He hung up the phone after your goodbyes
And you sat there trying to fall asleep but after three hours you just gave up, you couldn't stop thinking about Logan and the way he would have gotten you to sleep, rubbing your back and your thighs.
I wonder what he would do to me right now ?
You thought to yourself as you rubbed your inner thigh, your hand had other plans when it started rubbing your clit thinking about him
You picked up your phone to call him and see if he's awake, turns out he was
"Logan." You moaned, he could here the wet sounds from the other end of the line.
"Y/n you need to go to bed, I can't talk there gonna here you." He quietly yelled at you.
"No please I need you now loagn I can't wait any longer." You mewled.
"Y/n please you need to wait So i can actually fuck you." Logan couldn't lie the thought of you playing with yourself was making him hard but he had to control himself or he was gonna wake up Storm.
Your orgasm was coming, and he knew it. "Baby, I want you inside me, please." You begged as you came over the phone.
He hated when you did this sometimes you always got what you wanted when you called him like this and he wasn't gonna just let you tease him he wants to touch you but your not here and he's gonna put a stop to it.
"Y/n stop calling me horny when you know I can't touch you like I want, your teasing me your gonne be the death of me." He hung up the phone.
You gasped not believing he just hung up the phone on you like that.
☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆
Ok how do we feel about me writing logan I love hugh jackman and I was waiting for something like this should I make a part two?
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ninadove · 1 day
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Nina reads Dracula 🦇
September 24th
I hadn't the heart to write last night; that terrible record of Jonathan's upset me so. Poor dear! How he must have suffered, whether it be true or only imagination. I wonder if there is any truth in it at all. Did he get his brain fever, and then write all those terrible things, or had he some cause for it all? I suppose I shall never know, for I dare not open the subject to him.... And yet that man we saw yesterday! He seemed quite certain of him.... Poor fellow! I suppose it was the funeral upset him and sent his mind back on some train of thought.... He believes it all himself. I remember how on our wedding-day he said: "Unless some solemn duty come upon me to go back to the bitter hours, asleep or awake, mad or sane." There seems to be through it all some thread of continuity.... That fearful Count was coming to London.... If it should be, and he came to London, with his teeming millions.... There may be a solemn duty; and if it come we must not shrink from it.... I shall be prepared. I shall get my typewriter this very hour and begin transcribing. Then we shall be ready for other eyes if required. And if it be wanted; then, perhaps, if I am ready, poor Jonathan may not be upset, for I can speak for him and never let him be troubled or worried with it at all. If ever Jonathan quite gets over the nervousness he may want to tell me of it all, and I can ask him questions and find out things, and see how I may comfort him.
Can we talk about how cool Mina is for a second? Her first reaction upon finding out is disbelief, of course, but she turns around so quickly so she can A. support Jonathan and B. potentially save the world. She knows her skills are valuable and she immediately puts them to good use. It’s not hard to see why Jonathan fell in love with her!
It also means that everything we’ve been reading so far is courtesy of her work, by the way. Which immediately prompts two thoughts:
She apparently wasn’t jealous at all upon reading the Three Weed-Smoking Girlfriends bit Jonathan was so worried about, otherwise she would have edited it out;
She had to transcribe Lucy’s journal and her own letters… She had to add the “unopened by her” mention herself…
Everybody say thank you Mina!
And now for the bit where I genuinely shed a tear:
I pray you to pardon my writing, in that I am so far friend as that I sent to you sad news of Miss Lucy Westenra's death. By the kindness of Lord Godalming, I am empowered to read her letters and papers, for I am deeply concerned about certain matters vitally important. In them I find some letters from you, which show how great friends you were and how you love her. Oh, Madam Mina, by that love, I implore you, help me. It is for others' good that I ask—to redress great wrong, and to lift much and terrible troubles—that may be more great than you can know. May it be that I see you? You can trust me. I am friend of Dr. John Seward and of Lord Godalming (that was Arthur of Miss Lucy). I must keep it private for the present from all. I should come to Exeter to see you at once if you tell me I am privilege to come, and where and when. I implore your pardon, madam. I have read your letters to poor Lucy, and know how good you are and how your husband suffer; so I pray you, if it may be, enlighten him not, lest it may harm. Again your pardon, and forgive me.
I’ve said it before, but there are some similarities in the way Dracula and Van Helsing talk. Well, there are some in the way they write too!
You may remember this little bit from May 3rd:
"My Friend.--Welcome to the Carpathians. I am anxiously expecting you. Sleep well to-night. At three to-morrow the diligence will start for Bukovina; a place on it is kept for you. At the Borgo Pass my carriage will await you and will bring you to me. I trust that your journey from London has been a happy one, and that you will enjoy your stay in my beautiful land.
Your friend,
DRACULA.
The letter opened and closed on a fake declaration of friendship, foreshadowing Jonathan’s imprisonment.
Van Helsing does something very similar here, but A. with desperate apologies and B. recognising his status as someone who is very much not Mina’s friend (yet?). So what does it mean?
It means he is breaking down
We saw him run himself ragged to save Lucy and fail. We’ve seen him fall from witty and pretentious banter (with Seward) to hysterical sobbing and laughing (also with Seward) in the span of a few weeks. We’ve seen him hide the truth while also giving out clues, we’ve seen him break down because he knows, and doesn’t want to burden anyone else with this knowledge, but realistically can’t bear the weight on his own.
So when he reads Mina’s letters — the ones Lucy never got to open — he has no choice but to reach out. Mina is not a doctor like Seward, she’s not a Strong Young Blood Donor like the suitors, she’s just a young woman who is also struggling and also loved Lucy, and this fifty-something genius finds a sense of kinship in her, and immediately decides she is the only person who can help him.
But that means she must know, and therefore be trapped in the same Hell he is. Hence the structure of the letter. I LOVE THIS BOOK
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buck-up-buck · 4 months
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If anyone needs me i’ll be laying in the middle of the road in the rain for next seven days until 7x10 airs because respectfully ABC, wtaf.
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nightskylonging · 19 days
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Whose idea was it to make a kirtle out of flannel bedsheets in 29C weather?
Oh yeah, mine.
I'm merrily calling this project 'my descent into madness' and I'm having a grand old time. I'm engraining the metric system in my brain (American down, folks), I'm delighting in how comfy this thing is going to be (I did a quick pinned fitting with the side gores in, it is so soft and so flowy, and it'll be even more flowy once I get the front and back gores in), and I not only definitely have enough fabric for the sleeves, scary as they may be, but probably one or two kerchiefs as well! I won't wear those with the kirtle, that's too much dark blue in one go, though.
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hit-tab · 5 months
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Guess who's back! Yep, it's @insufficientchill's Conall and @ritens' Lane! I took a few too many screenshots, so brace yourself. <3
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Yeah, bud, that's the whole point of this party comp. I thought it'd be fun. Don't you worry about it! It'll be fiiine.
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I'm sure Conall and Lane only have the best of opinions after seeing me fail this levitation-jump five times in a row because I refused to waste a harpy snare beacon. I mean, it's a jump over the brine so I can try as many times as I want without consequence...except for the rapidly dwindling respect of my pawn's friends.
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Speaking of, check out this cool underwater shot I got while getting eaten by the brine. Neat, huh?
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Here's a shot of Conall being awesome. Fire suits him so well! Mage vocations have such a cool aesthetic, I swear.
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And here's Lane kidnapping a knacker(?) that knocked me down. It always tickles me when pawns do that.
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"Lane, was that your arrow?" "'Twas not me." "..."
Guys I know you're very excited to pal around but please look out for monsters.
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I think René misses being a warrior...
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I managed to get a cool shot of Lane, finally. Look at him! He's so ready to wreck face!
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My new favourite hobby...equipping a bow specifically so that I can kick rocky saurians. And maybe also other saurian-type monsters. I'm really not too picky.
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The whole team is working together! Look how cool everyone is! It's so rare to get them all in one shot that doesn't look like they're all doing their own, random thing.
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Conall helping me out after I got wasted by a goreminotaur...thanks, man. Sorry it wasn't the monster you were after. Where's Lane and René? Just over there? They're high-fiving and/or fist-bumping? Oh... ;-;
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I was trying to capture a bunch of little victory poses and Lane was having none of it haha.
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I don't think Conall knows how to deal with René's shenanigans, the poor guy. (Also check out Lane hiding in the tall grass like a wild pokemon pft.)
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Look at these two and their lining up perfectly and their matchy bows. I forget what they were aiming at...probably a bat.
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René, buddy, I'm not sure that's going to work. Max rank and he still isn't quite sure how to be an archer smh. Glitches are fun.
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Er...Conall? I'm not sure we needed this spell for one teeny little minotaur that had a sliver of its health left, but at least we completed your quest.
René is way too happy about the meteors.
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Camping: miserable and wet edition. The poor pawns sitting in the rain...
I had so much fun with Conall and Lane this past couple of sessions! We all got a little dinged up (no tank no real healer) but that might have also been because I went wandering around the volcano area and everyone kept stepping in lava rip. Nothing a little more resting couldn't solve. Sorry in advance if they complain about their burned feet when I send them back.
I actually did Lane's quest first, but sadly didn't get any pictures of us fighting the golem...s? I think we fought two of them. Yeah, one on the volcanic island and another in mainland Battahl, I'm pretty sure. Something about golems makes me forget to take pics I swear.
Anyway, this party comp is surprisingly viable. I only switched to my magick bow for things like spooky ghosts and dragonkin. Everything else was three bow one sorc baybee! SO much fun.
(I haven't sent them back yet! Will do soon.)
Bonus victory pose I have never seen:
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Behold. René's applauding. And because there's an enemy in the distance, he's applauding angrily!
I love it so much?? He just-- looks SO mad haha.
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dawdlecentric · 6 months
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Man, this doujin isn't fucking around
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Meanwhile, Seikuri in the background...
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Doujin: Flashbackers by Totobe
#my ramblings#bocchi the rock#no fr tho. please read flashbackers!! it's so good!#it's a ryokita doujin made by one of my fave artist and everything about it is just...so great. I can't express it enough#whether you ship ryokita or not it's still a good read! like really it's well articulated and goes in depth about ryo & kita's relationship#and acknowledges how unhealthy it is but the realization of this makes the both of them understand each other more clearly without-#-seeing through rose colored glasses. I just- ughhh! I'm not good with words and I can't stress it enough so once again please read this!#you can really tell how much this artist is passionate and dedicated about the ship#not only that but how they color the cover page (and their art in general) is JUST SO CATCHING! LITERAL EYE CANDY!#and the pacing and panelling of the story is well thought out plus the equal balance of humor and angst is so entertaining & heart wrenchin#and their art style... fricking adorable and expressive and striking!! Just grrr!! I LOVE THIS ARTIST'S WORK SO MUCH!!!#I'm not that particularly crazy about ryokita but they are very interesting to explore and could have some potential if they worked out-#-their own flaws. I've been meaning to draw them sometime (if only I could start posting decent bnj art-#-tfw hyper fixation so strong it overwhelms you and in turn can't make fanart of it even if you most definitely WANT TO)#ehem. anyways I think it's quite criminal that ryokita was one of the least popular btr ships#in other story. I was woken up by my cat way to early today so I ended up reading this in a half awake state XD#I just found out last night that this doujin was already translated so what better time to read this other than first thing in the morning-#-running on three hours of sleep 😃👍
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blue-ravens · 7 months
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whatever it was the finale of season 3 of for all mankind is made of i need to find a way to inject it into my veins
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smalltimidbean · 7 months
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I don't know if I have placebo'd myself into it, but I am feeling
An Effect
Mainly the fact, I am trembling like a wet chihuahua and my jaw is clacky-clack-clack-clacking like I'm a set of wind up teeth
I feel like a weasel ball
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svtskneecaps · 1 year
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the only thing stopping me from writing a fucking charlie slimecicle + elmariana + juanaflippa family centric time loop fic is the fact that i missed every single flippa stream live (finally plunged into qsmp a few days after tallulah appeared) and i don't have the time to watch back through the vods because HOLY SHIT CAN WE GET 30 FUCKING SECONDS WITHOUT SOMETHING HAPPENING ON THIS SERVER WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK
#qsmp#the venn diagram of ​my awake time and bad's livestream time is a fucking circle#and i also WORK. I HAVE WORK. i can't watch vods for hours!!!#like i worked this afternoon. i got back home right as bobby's fate was sealed for the livestream. i had to watch an hour of vod to catch up#and WHILE I DID THAT#MORE LORE HAPPENED#LIKE THINGS HAPPENED WITH QUACKITY. TAZERCRAFT SCOOBY DOO'D ONTO A DRAGON SKELETON.#PEOPLE GRIEVED. JAIDEN ENDED STREAM ABRUPTLY. APPARENTLY SOMETHING HAPPENED WITH SOFIA.#I STILL HAVEN'T CAUGHT MAX'S POV FROM TUESDAY BC I WORKED THEN TOO GODDAMNIT#LIKE. APPARENTLY BAD KNOWS ABOUT SOFIA? DUNNO WHEN OR HOW. I MISSED THAT ONE. I WAS EITHER AT WORK OR CATCHING UP ON VODS#i. am. screaming.#like i understand why people watch live#it was soooo much easier to keep up when i just kept three distinct povs open and could hop between them like tv channels#oh forever just went down and richas is with him? no worries i have his stream open rn lemme just unmute#hmm cellbit is getting pretty animated let's see what he discovered i'll just unmute rl quick#quackity's saying some sus shit in chat lemme pop his stream open#instead of 'ok i want to see what foolish was doing at chume labs after bad stole his banana so lemme find the time stamp in foolish's-#HUGE FUCKING GIANT LONG VOD and watch thru that but oh. perhaps i want to see what mike was saying after foolish yeeted him.' actually uh#i don't think mike's pov was up that day (unless it was just on yt idk i'm not familiar w how tazercraft's stuff works yet)#BUT YKNOW. I'D HAVE TO VOD SCAN. ITS ANNOYING. so yea its way easier to follow#long tags#block game brainrot#shut up vic
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deus-ex-mona · 11 months
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👀here’s 👁️looking👁️ at you, kid👀
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byunbaekhyunie · 3 months
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save me I woke up at midnight because of a mosquito and I haven’t been able to fall back asleep since
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Oh my god. You know it’s getting bad when you start doing things you don’t even want to do to procrastinate on something you really do want to do.
It would be one thing if it were something like a hobby; but the thing I want to do is also extremely necessary to my life.
#Hhhhhhngh#for three weeks I’ve been doing this#I’ve had all the time in the world#and I have a sneaking suspicion that I’m doing this out of a subconscious desire to prove to myself that I’m actually fucked up in the head#Which is already proof enough that I have that desire in the first place; but I keep going because it’s not enough#I only ever feel like I need care when I’m at my absolute worst#And suddenly after being so exhausted that I fell asleep at 7:00 some days; I’m staying up until 2:30 AM and waking up at 8:00???#and I feel fine and perfectly awake; but still can’t manage to get myself out of bed until 10:00 because Comfy#I sit and I read for an hour; then I go on my phone and emerge at 5:00 PM#If I go in the bathroom it takes forever to get back out because I end up talking to myself in the mirror about god knows what#I feel like I need some kind of… idk… very strong stimulant in me so I can actually care about things#not that stimulants work like that; but I need to have some kind of catastrophic life event… to get beaten up or something#something to put pure fear and concern in my veins#It is summer and there is almost no chance of me getting kicked or catching a football in the wrong place#and I don’t have to run right now either#I could do something#I know how#But even that is a damned if you do damned if you don’t situation; because that ALSO makes me not want to do things#At least then I’d have a palpable (literally) excuse but uh…. I’m still kind of getting over the last time#I am on my phone all day and I recognize that’s bad; but the thing I need to do is to send an email… which is on my phone; so there’s that#hypocritical#idk there’s something about using limited supplies to deal with a problem that needs more and hoping for the best#it excites me#Makes me feel like a big boy who can handle serious situations#But if I create the problem then it means nothing except that I cannot handle problems at all#I should not have all the responsibilities I do because I am not entirely in my right mind#I am thinking about it though#It’s tempting#get behind me satan
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july-19th-club · 5 months
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hate when i'm having insomnia and i cant point to the exact reason . which to be fair is a problem i have elsewhere but i want to be able to pin down a specific thing i did and go welp won't do that again and then the problem would stop . but instead i do everything 'right' according to what has worked perfectly every single night for a month . and then it doesn't work for some bullshit reason .
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kingtankgirl · 1 year
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am having an incredibly emotionally tumultuous day. the epic highs and lows of mundane life when u have a severe mood disorder
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