#i really hope so because otherwise imma be crying for the next week

[buck-up-buck]

If anyone needs me i’ll be laying in the middle of the road in the rain for next seven days until 7x10 airs because respectfully ABC, wtaf.

[airis-paris14]

Starlight Chapter 13

Summary: Amani is an orphaned heiress who's spent most of her life raising her younger sister. T'Challa is a widowed King and Father. Neither of them is expecting much from their night at the Lotus. But the coming months have many milestones in store for these young adults. Will becoming a family be one of them?

Warnings: N/A

Masterlist

2 months later

“Amani, I’m about to head out,” Amare called, grabbing her house keys off of the hook. “Okay, hold on, I'll be right back Baby.” T’Challa nodded into the phone and muted himself to speak to someone off screen. Amani hurried down the stairs and smiled at her little sister. “Okay, passport, keys, tickets, wallet, and medicine in carryon?”

“Yes mother,” Amare smirked.

“I’m just trying to keep you safe kid,” the older Okeke smiled and pulled her in for a hug. “You’re 18, not 21, so please, no sneaking off without telling Shuri’s guards where you all are going. Limit your alcohol intake, I know it’s legal over there but the last thing I need is a call from a German hospital saying you have alcohol poisoning.”

“I promise I will limit the drinking, and the sneaking out.”

“Good. Have fun, be safe. I love you.” Amani smiled and pulled her sister in for another hug. “Love you too sis. I’ll only be gone for a week.”

“I know, but you know I hate saying goodbye. You’re all I have left kid. But I want to let you live, so go before you miss your flight. Hug Shuri for me.

“I’ll call you when I land.” Amare bounded down the front steps and into her already packed car. Amani sighed watching her wave one last time before pulling off down the street. She waved at the patrol car as it drove by on its hourly surveillance drive by, before locking her door and heading up the stairs into her office. “And I’m back,” she plopped into her seat, reopening her MacBook.

“Personally I don’t think it’s fair that our sisters see each other more than we do,” the king teased. Amani rolled her eyes, “This is their first time seeing each other since we came home, it’s only been two months,” Amani laughed. “Yes, and after having you here for three months, I’ve decided that 61 days is too long to be out of your presence.”

“Well you know I’m working to get the venue started up, I just can’t travel as much as usual. You know I would be there if I could,” Her voice began to tremble.

“I know my love,” T’Challa reassured, “I am just teasing,” he frowned, noticing her eyes tearing up. “I know but lately I’ve just been feeling like such a bad girlfriend,” she began to sob and the king panicked. “Hey no, you’re perfect. Nothing's wrong. It’s on both of us and I was gonna tell you that I was planning to surprise you with a visit.”

“Really?” Amani sniffled.

“Yes so please stop crying entle.” The heiress grabbed a tissue from the box she had begun to keep on her desk after noticing that even the little things made her tear up. “I’m sorry. I ruined the surprise again,” she chuckled, wiping the tears from her cheeks. “It is fine, now you have something to look forward to. You hate them anyway,” the king teased.

“Are you sure you’re alright though my love? You have been extra-sensitive lately.”

“In more ways than one,” the heiress murmured. “Have you been to the new doctor, did she run the tests the doctor here ordered?” The king grabbed a stack of papers and began signing them. “Yep,” Amani read over and responded to an email her contractor sent before turning her attention back to T’Challa. “I have an appointment with her tomorrow. She and Dr. Zabulie both sounded very excited so I’m hoping it's a positive result.”

The king smiled at the news, “Well then I’ll be expecting a full report as soon as you know.”

“Of course. I’ll call your mother as well, I wouldn’t even be in this position if you all hadn’t encouraged me to go see another doctor.”

“We both just want what is best for you,” the king smiled, “but unfortunately I have a meeting to attend to my love. I will call you later tonight, okay?”

“Of course, I’ll see you later.” She blew a kiss through the phone before the king had to hang up. After responding to more emails, she scheduled some property manager interviews for later in the week and a building walk through. Her phone caught her attention as it began to ring, “Hello?” She answered. “Hey, Kura and I finished those designs for different set ups and interiors, are you free to go over them?”

“Yeah,” Amani smiled. While in Wakanda she and her friends decided to go into the event business together. They’d bought an old hotel downtown in Atlanta and decided to turn it into a sleepover venue. With suites and rooms designed for different party sizes and moveable features to make the room age appropriate. A spa, boutique, and restaurant, would be located on the grounds as well. There was also a separate grand ballroom and garden that allowed them to market the place as an all in one wedding venue. They’d started work while in Wakanda and now two months later they were weeks away from opening the ballroom, gardens, and other non overnight amenities for event bookings. They would use the money from the rentals to help recover the costs of renovating the hotel rooms.

“Bet. We’ll be over in 30. Sakura has to pick up the pizza first.”

“Cool, don’t forget extra garlic butter sauce. Imma hop in the shower. Y’all can just use your keys to let yourselves in.”

After hanging up the phone Amani hopped in the shower and let the water soothe her muscles. She’d been working so hard to make sure everything came together and it finally was. She was more in love with T’Challa each day, she was starting a business with her friends, and Darius had been spotted in New York living with some family he had there. She still had nightly surveillance, but knowing that he’d move out of the state definitely calmed her nerves.

“Madiyson?” The heiress called as the sound of the front door caught her attention. When she didn’t receive a response she shrugged and figured she had her beats on. She quickly motioned with her coconut oil,slipped into some sweatpants, and pulled a sports bra over her head before a voice sent a chill down her spine. “You’ve been holding out on me Amani.”

Darius got up from his seat behind her on the bed and revealed the kitchen knife he was holding. “If I had known you could look like that, I would’ve made you work out more.”

“How the hell did you get in my house?”

“No Thank you? Darius frowned.

“What do I have to thank you for?”

“Giving you a second chance,” Darius smirked before lunging at the Okeke heiress. Amani, dodged his lunge as he ran into the dresser she was standing in front of. “ A second chance for what you bastard!” The heiress resisted the urge to search for her phone, she knew Darius, he watched her eyes always to anticipate her next move. “You ruined my life. You were supposed to be my wife, look pretty, give me kids. Instead your ass got me locked up for damn near life. Now my dad is all on my ass because he had to call in a favor with the DA and the governor in one sitting-”

“Well maybe your ass should’ve just stayed in jail then!” Amani ducked, expecting the lamp on the nightstand to fly towards her head. She took the moment she dodged the light fixture to locate her phone. It was too far and she knew that she’d never be able to reach it before Darius finished his spiel. She’d have to leave her friends a clue that something had gone wrong.

“Now,” Darius eyed Amani as she backed up against the wall, “as I was saying. Everyone is counting on me to not fuck up! Which means I need to get my old life back, starting with you Ms. Okeke, now heiress of the Okeke Industries Tech Conglomerate.”

“No one will ever believe that we are a happy couple once again Darius, they found me, clinging to life, hypothermic, and bleeding because you literally beat our child out of me. It was on the five o'clock news for weeks straight.” Amani risked eyeing her keys once more, hoping that the plan she was hatching would work.

“What better way to show them that I am a changed man, than by having you forgive me. A redeemed love, a true love,” Darius stepped up to Amani and caressed her cheeks and lips. The woman felt like crawling out of her skin but she held it together. “Why don’t you just find another woman?” Not that Amani wished Darius on any other woman, she’d prefer he’d be locked up in a cell, but she needed to get him to back up. “Does it really matter? I want you, and I’ve already invested a lot in you Amani. You got a little break to have fun and spend time with other men, but you are mine. You always were and you always will be, it’s time I got a return on my investment. “ Darius took a seat on Amani’s bed and she silently rejoiced.

“Okay, then what’s your plan?”

“You don’t need to know all of that. Just know that I’m not leaving you behind Amani.” Darius pointed the knife and Amani nodded, “I’m just gonna grab my keys,” she gestured. “If I go missing, the police will look at all of your father’s and friend’s properties, no one will think I was stupid enought to take you to one of our vacation homes.” At least the waitress hoped this wasn’t the stupidest idea she’d ever had.

“Nah, cause I’m sure your friends and man know all about those places. Not to mention your little sister.”

“Amare is out of the country at a science conference, won’t be home for two weeks, you’ll have time to move me before she can get back. As for the others, they don’t even know we own vacation properties.” Amani scoured through her keys and grabbed the one she knew her sister would recognize as missing first. “Here, we can go to the chateau in the mountains in North Carolina. It’s secluded. No one for miles around.”

Darius stood up, “Nah, there’s a reason you’re helping me. What is it?”

“You’re never gonna leave me alone otherwise. I don’t wanna die, and this is most likely the last time I’ll ever get a decision about something that happens to me. Think of it as my final words.” As soon as the excuse left her mouth Amani felt her mouth go dry and heavy, for some reason, it did feel like she’d sealed her own fate.

“Amani!” Madiyson called as she entered the apartment. Sakura followed in hot on her heels to place the heavy pizzas in the kitchen. “I still don’t know why you ordered four pizzas for 3 people,” Madiyson laughed, dropping all of her interior design sketches and renderings on the table. “As much of a perfectionist each of us is… We're gonna be here all night and y’all are gonna be glad I bought enough pizza.”

“Well if AMANI would BRING. HER. ASS. DOWN. THE. STAIRS we could get started and be done at a godly hour.” Madison yelled up the stairs into the continued silence. “You told her we were coming, right?”Sakura joined her friend at the base of Amani’s stairs and frowned. “Yeah, she said just let ourselves in.”

“Maybe she’s taking a nap, she’s been doing that more often than usual.”

“Oh god, if she’s taking a nap then she’ll be dead to the world right now. You wanna wake her up while I set up?” Madiyson shook her head and walked back over to the couch in the living room. “Sure, just throw me into the lion’s den. You know she hates being woken up by anyone but Amare and Ada.” Sakura whined. “You’ll be fine, she would never hate you. Just make it seem like she woke herself up. Throw a pillow or something.” Madiyson shrugged and opened her laptop.

“Always the sacrifice, never the beneficiary,” Sakura mumbled as she jogged up the stairs into Amani’s room. “Mani,” the afro-asian woman sang as she burst into the room, only to be greeted by a perfectly made bed. “Amani?'' She tried to calm her heartbeat as she checked her friend’s closet and bathroom. “Okay focus, details details,” Sakura chanted to herself. “7:47, no phone in the room, nothing messed up, somebody sat on the bed,” the waitress took note of the room as she backed her way out, down the stairs, and towards the garage. “Hey, did you- what’s wrong,” Madiyson frowned as her best friend opened the garage door and looked out. “Did she say she was gonna leave?” Sakura ignored Madiyson’s original question, feeling her stomach drop at the presence of Amani’s car, and the empty house. “No, she said she was gonna take a shower-”

“Madiyson, She’s not here.”

“Look, I already told you what happened. Madiyson called Amani at 6:30, she picked me up, we picked up the pizzas, let ourselves in, but she wasn’t here when i went to check on her. I went into the room at 7:47. The shower had been turned on and the room was steamy, and someone had sat on her bed but Amani hates that unless she’s about to go to sleep. Except she isn’t in her room sleeping!”

“Why are you all not taking this seriously! Her abusive ex is a known kidnapping threat. For God’s sake she’s had a 24/7 patrol for months because there was fear he would try to retaliate! Now that she’s missing, y’all aren’t doing a damn thing.” Madiyson butted in frustrated at the officers staring at them like they were aliens from outer space.

“Ma’am, we are just trying to get all the facts first-”

I’ve given them to you three times, if you can’t comprehend then we’ve got a bigger problem!” Sakura fumed and the officers stood. “We’ll call headquarters and see what we can do. Technically it has to be 48 hours before we can report and adult as missing-”

“Just get out please,” Madiyson sighed. She held open the door for the officers who hesitated, their feathers obviously ruffled.

“I’ll try calling Amare again.” Sakura stood and walked out after the officers left. Madiyson locked the door and stared up at the clock, realizing she should probably call T’Challa.

“Hello?” Madiyson breathed deeply as the call finally connected to the king, “T, she’s gone,” the woman’s voice warbled but her words shook the king all the same. “What do you mean she is gone?” He stood, immediately stumbling to slip on some shoes and race through the halls to his mother’s room. “Sakura and I came for a meeting, and she wasn’t here. Her car is here but she isn't and she assured us she’d be here taking a shower. Someone else was here because someone was sitting on her bed, at the bottom. You know she hates people ruffling her sheets.”

“Have you talked to Amare? Are you sure she didn’t take her to the airport?”

“We’ve been trying to reach her but she's still on the plane. She would have been back by now if she just went to the airport. She knew we were coming.” Madiyson broke, sobbing into the phone.

T’Challa’s heart dropped, his mind racing back to how he’d begged his lover not to go back until the rumors that her abuser had officially moved were confirmed. Now she was gone and the king felt he had failed to protect her. “Madiyson, Madiyson, I need you to breathe and keep breathing. Did you call the police?”

“Yes, but-“ Madiyson stumbled trying to regain her composure, “they said since it hasn’t been 48 hours it’s not technically a missing persons case.”

The king felt anger rush through his veins, “So they aren’t doing anything?”

“Not really,” Madiyson moved to grab tissue from Amani’s bathroom. “Have her call the detectives over these two imbeciles. She was on 24 hour surveillance due to risk of revenge from her abuser. Them sitting around doesn’t make any sense.”

“I know, I know, I’m heading downstairs right now-” Madison paused as she noticed Amani’s keys on her vanity. “Wait, one of her keys-” Madison trailed off flipping through the keys. “One of her keys is what?” T’Challa knocked on his mother’s door. “It’s missing. When her parents died, she kept keys to all of their properties. With them all labeled with numbers but I don’t know which one is which. Just number three is missing,” Madison ran a hand over her braids and huffed. T’Challa banged on his mother’s door again before taking a step back and pacing the hall. “Okay, You and Sakura just stay there, keep trying to reach Amare. I’m on my way and I’ll try to reach Shuri. See if you can figure out what key is missing.”

“Okay, call us when you land.”

T’Challa hung up the phone, “Umama!” He banged on the door before Ramonda yanked it open. “T’Challa, what in Bast’s name-”

“It’s Amani, she’s missing. We have to go now, can you try to reach Shuri? Her friends think they have a lead but we need to reach Amare.”

“How long has she been missing?” The queen mother rushed back in her room and started to get dressed and pack a bag. “We don’t know, I just got off the phone with Madiyson. They went to the house and she was missing.”

“Did they call the police?”

“They say they can’t report her absence until 48 hours has passed,” T’Challa opened his beads and messaged Okoye. I need you, Ayo, a plane, and five of your best warriors. Meet me on the tarmac in 30.”

“When do we leave?”

“In 30 minutes, I have to pack a bag. Ayo and Okoye will meet us at the tarmac with some back up, can you please try to reach Shuri while I get ready?”

“Yes, I will try calling her.”

The king nodded and turned to rush back to his room. “T’Challa,” Ramonda called out,”We will find her. She will be alright.” He offered his mother a sad smile before continuing down the hall.

“It’s the North Carolina key?”

“Yes. Number 3 it's her favorite number for her favorite house.” Amare insisted as Sakura flipped through the keys again.

“Do you know the address?” Madison interrupted.upiui

“Uh, number 3 Lodge Street Asheville, North Carolina.”

“And you’re sure that is the key that is missing?” T’Challa interrupted Madiyson and Amare. The teen looked at the king through the camera, the lights of the quinjet humming behind her as Shuri watched on. “Yes, I’m positive. Amani is heading to the North Carolina house.”

The king hit the table and turned to his guard, “We are heading to North Carolina. Now.”

“We’ll meet you there-”

“No,” T’Challa and his mother answered at the same time.``You two stay exactly where you are,'' Ramonda demanded. “All due respect, I am not staying over here in Germany when my sister has been kidnapped by her abuser!” Amare rebutted. “Yes, but for all we know he has men looking for you too. As well as Madiyson and Sakura. So until then, at least we know where you are. We are sending Dora Milaje to your hotel.” T’Challa finalized.

“No, I am not standing back when my sister is in danger. I wasn’t there the first time she was saved and opened her eyes, I want to be there this time.” Amare demanded while she teared up and T’Challa sighed. He walked around the desk to look at Okoye and his mother. “You all can head back to Wakanda, once the extra Dora arrive. Once we have her, we’ll bring her back to Shuri’s lab, there you guys can see her.” The king looked at everyone in the room, “Besides, I don’t think it is safe for any of you to be in the US alone right now.”

“So what are you saying?” Sakura sat up from her place on the couch. T’Challa nodded at the general of the Dora Milaje. Okoye tapped her staff and escorted the rest of the warriors out of the home. Once the door had shut the room turned to face T’Challa again. “I have been thinking, especially in light of what has happened to Amani, that you all should move to Wakanda. Stay in the palace of course. I know you two would have to travel for business and Amare we’d have to figure out your schooling, but it is obvious that this government has no vestment in keeping you all safe. I can do something about it and I will, if you all will let me.”

“I don’t know T-” Madiyson started.

“I had been thinking about transferring to study with Shuri, but I don’t know how Amani would take it.” Amare added. “She’s not just gonna give up her independence. She just got it back from Darius,” Sakura added. “I know but it is not safe here, at least for now. As well connected as that fugitive is, who knows what will happen to you all if he goes back to jail. I let Amani convince me she would be safe, and now two months later we are searching for her praying to Bast that she isn’t dead.”

“T’Challa this is not your fault,” Sakura interjected. “I know, but if I can keep you all safe, I have a responsibility to do so. You will have free will and autonomy, but at least inside Wakanda’s borders, I can guarantee your safety.

“I think this is a lovely conversation, but might I remind you all that this is a time sensitive case. Let’s table this discussion until we all make it back to Wakanda” Shuri interrupted the discussion that seemed to be heading towards an endless round table. “Shuri is right, time is of the essence.” Ramonda spoke standing, “everyone comes back to wakanda for the time being. Once we rescue Amani, we send our war dogs to clear any suspicions and make sure it is safe for you all to return. Then we make a decision. Until then-“

“We focus on the task at hand.” Madiyson finished and Ramonda agreed. “Shuri and Amare head back home once the Dora arrive. When we have Amani we’ll let you know.”

“Keep my sister safe T’Challa,” Amare asserted before hanging up. “She’s just nervous,” Sakura reassured. “We are all glad we have someone here to help us this time. But we should get on the road. Darius works fast.” The Afro-Asian waitress added solemnly. The king nodded, “Phambile,” he called and the guards opened the doors escorting everyone to the cars waiting to race to the airport.”

Fourteen Hours Ago

“Amani.” The heiress fumbled to wrap the stick back it s package and hide it on the sink before running out of her bathroom. “Hey,” she offered her younger sister a smile but only received a confused face in return. “Hey, you’re up early, I thought you’d be sleep,” Amare took a seat in one of the overstuffed arm chairs in her sisters bedroom. “I wasn’t feeling well. I got up to take some medicine no biggie,”Amani shrugged. “You go to the doctor again soon right? You should have her check it out.”

“She’s an OBGYN, but I’ll see what she might be able to recommend.”

“Cool, well I’d been thinking-“

“Oh that’s never good,” the heiress laughed as her sister shot daggers her way. “As I was saying. I’ve been thinking about transferring to study in Wakanda with Shuri. It’d make it easier for you to come see Tchalla and I could get accustomed to the culture before we move there-“

“Hey hey, who said we we’re moving to Wakanda?”

“Amani. I’m not dumb or a little girl anymore. I know how marriages and relationships work. I know you live tchalla. I know he loves you. And I know how monarchies work. I also know that T’Challa has asked you to move in or visit more often and that I’m probably the reason you’re hesitant about doing either.”

“You’re right, but I didn’t say anything cause I don’t want you thinking you have to move because of me and T’Challa. I want you to follow your dreams, and dtudying at MIT was one of those dreams.”

“And dreams change, Amare reminded. I used to any to be a ballerina, astronaut, actress, and hear I am studying at MIT. And now, I know that the university of Wakanda can offer me so much more. Plus I’ll get to spend more time with my best friend and take advantage of her lab. It’s a win win!” The young genius insisted. Amani sighed and settled on the chair next to her.

“How about we finish out this fall semester and pick up the conversation over Christmas break. I just don’t want you to regret anything.” The older sister explained.

“That’s fair.” Amare nodded and stood. “Back to you though, are you sure you’re feeling well enough for me to leave?”

“Now you sound like the older sister. I’ll be fine kid, you go have fun at your conference thing in Germany. Have you finished packing?”

“Nope, I wanted to get and early start at the stores so I can pack before my flight.”

“Okay, I’m headed back to sleep. But don’t crash the car and fill up the tank before you come back please.”

“I always do,” Amare smiled before kissing her sister's cheek and slipping out of the room. Once Amani heard the front door shut. She locked herself in the bathroom and unwrapped the third and final test. She sat them all in a row before flopping down on the toilet.

“Shit.”

Taglist: @almostpurelysmut @blackbypurpose @tchoking @sisterwifeudaku @wikiwakanda @royallyprincesslilly @90sinspiredgirl @thedelightfulone @autumn242 @purple-apricots @kumkaniudaku @queertrex @kaciidubs @halfrican-heat @skysynclair19 @dramaqueenamby @leahnicole1219 @kreolemami @mzbritt @derangedcupcake @chaneajoyyy @lalapalooza718 @ororowrites @leahnicole1219 @sarcastic-sunshines @sarahboseman @faatassbitch @lady-love-and-glitter-roses @cxnismajcr @tchallasbabymama

[khaleesiofalicante]

HI, IT'S ME! YOUR LOCAL CHAOTIC WEIRDO!!!!! I'M BACK AGAIN LIKE I AM TWICE EVERY WEEK

IT'S MY BOY DAVID THIS TIME! WHY AM I SO HYPER! MAYBE BECAUSE THEY KISSED! AND I HAD TO SUPPRESS MY SCREAMS BCAUSE IM IN CLASS AND THE REST OF MY FAMILY IS OUTSIDE MY DOOR (NOT LITERALLY OFC)

OK OK OK OK OK OK

MAX AND DAVID ARE AT THE LONDON INSTITUTE YESYESYESYES

He rather liked that part in a story – when the hero fell, and everything seemed bleak. It always meant that hope was just around the corner. Because darkness never lasted. It was always followed by light. There was nothing more beautiful than that kind of sunrise.

THIS

I literally live my life by this analogy

AHHH DAVID IS ON HIS TRAVEL YEAR AND MAX IS WITH HIM

SCREAM

well i can't scream because my mom is sitting right there and I have class in 4 minutes so imma smile really wide

“Are you planning to read the entire library during your travel year?” Max chuckled.

“Of course not,” David replied. “I will need longer than a year to accomplish that goal.”

Me.

Wait

does max not being able to make portals have something to do with his lineage?

like

demon parent

ok so my programming class started 2 minutes early but screw programming I'm gonna be studying minds not this shit

ok that's a very bad attitude for someone who needs good grades in this year

Max was always hungry.

this is so me

KIT

KIT

KIT

KIT

KIT

KIT

TY

THEY MENTIONED TY

also if David doesn't become an institute head in the future THEN WHAT'S THE POINT

“Where is the kitchen?” Max interrupted.

max is such a mood

He had told Max that he had centuries to perfect his magic, that there was no need to rush it. Max had given him a noncommittal nod and nothing more.

HE'S GONNA MAKE THE BEST PORTALS YOU'LL SEE

“I won’t tell the Consul,” Kit winked.

At the mention of the Consul, David straightened up. He had been trying to get into Alec Lightwood’s good graces for years now. He didn’t think sharing a room with his son would do him any favors.

DAVID UDUCDFUHKDUHVUHSDH

PLEASE IF WE DON'T GET A CUTE ALEC AND DAVID SCENE SOON

KIT CALLED TESSA MOM

oh my god

Word was that Mr. Herondale had gone back to his obsession with brewing tea.

JACE

I have so many emotions right now but all I'm gonna say is that I'm so so proud of Rafael

“Do you not want to sleep with me?” Max asked.

UH-

WELL-

DAVID STOP THINKING ABOUT THE FUTURE AND ALL THE SHIT

STOP IT

OH MY GOD THE ONE BED TROPE

MAX IS IN HIS ARMS I'M ABOUT TO-

takes a deep breath don't scream. everyone outside this door thinks you're taking programming class

OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE JUST GET TOGETHER ALREADY

AWW JULIAN PAINTED PORTRAITS FOR THE INSTITUTE

The one of Will Herondale and Tessa Gray – A love that had transcended reality and lasted a lifetime.

The one of James Herondale and Cordelia Carstairs – A love that had started with a lie and then blossomed into nothing but happiness and devotion.

The one of Lucie Herondale and Jesse Blackthorn – A love that had been so powerful that it rewrote the past.

The one of Jace Herondale and Clary Fairchild – A love that had walked through hell and shaken up the heavens.

And then there the final one. The one of Kit Herondale and Tiberius Blackthorn – A love that had survived distance and darkness and doom.

This omg...

He wanted a love story. The kind he read in the books. The kind he saw in these portraits.

But he wasn’t a Herondale. He wasn’t sure if he was destined for that kind of love.

HEY

DON'T THINK LIKE THAT

The first part though

same

He might have been a little too excited. It was biologically impossible to control yourself when you find a stranger reading your favorite book in the whole world.

SO TRUE

“I see you already made a new friend,” Max said.

He sounded a little…odd. As if he was not pleased that David had made a new friend.

honey...

take a guess

can I jump in and bash their heads together?

“You are thinking of conjuring chocolate syrup, aren’t you?” David chuckled.

“How do you always know what’s on my mind?” Max chuckled back.

Because I know you, David wanted to say. I just wish I knew what’s in your heart too.

OH MY GOD I CANT WITH THIS

“You get chocolate syrup! You get chocolate syrup! You get chocolate syrup!” Max was yelling, standing on the chair.

They residents laughed harder, and David shook his head fondly. He hoped one day Max would pursue a career in theatre. He was a born showman.

can I have chocolate syrup?

also, the way David is just so fond of him like DYUSDGYJCDYUJM

“By the angel, do you have to be a drama queen about everything?” the boy next to them muttered – not so quietly.

David blinked. That was uncalled for.

But Max being Max was completely unfazed. “Of course I do. My Bapa would be personally offended otherwise.”

exactly you rude little shit

Max often pretended like people’s words didn’t hurt him - just as he pretend that fire doesn’t burn or wounds don’t bleed.

wow ok stop calling me out

Is max jealous??????

is he??????

how are people so good at languages like damn

TY

TY

TY

TY

“Oh my god,” Max groaned. “Is he already telling people to check on me?”

LMAO

using mundane medicine...

that's risky

but it's also something that WILL help

can't warlocks tamper with the blood samples?

A part of him wondered if that’s why he had agreed to send Max away to London – at least for a week. Because sometimes you didn’t want other people to see you were hurting.

alec I really goddamn hope you're dealing with this well

some of whom had even decided to die than get help from a warlock.

alright then gets my knives but you chose this :D

Nobody brought a book down for breakfast if they didn't like to read.

yes but sometimes also to seem busy so people won't bother you or you won't look alone.

“I know,” the boy said as he walked past them to the gate. “I sat on the stairs and thought about life for a few good minutes.”

his family is the one who took over David's previous institute (i can't spell that. marse- marselli- wat??) methinks.

The gang always visited whenever all of them were in the city together. They would have so much fun! Of course, the 'fun' mostly entailed Rafael stopping Georgia from drinking random potions she found in the stalls, Selena stopping Lexi from opening a psychic booth to help people talk to Raziel and of course David stopping Max from running to the gambling booths.

LMAO, I CANT WITH THIS-

Rafe: I am anxiety.

me at any given moment

EW TESTICLES HE'S EATING THOSE-

ok maybe I'm the only person who's really picky when it comes to food and doesn't eat the majority of things

“Anything on Magnus Bane?” Max asked.

“No,” the woman snapped and shoved some of the letters into a bag and hide it under the table. “Leave Magnus Bane alone!”

“Appreciate your loyalty,” Max winked at her and started examining a diary.

I like her.

"Everyone should be participating in this" -my programming teacher

me, an intellectual: participating in what?? goes to the class web THE FUCK IS THAT

“Something for the shadowhunter?” the woman smiled. “Perhaps an unpublished snippet from the Beautiful Cordelia?”

“Do you have any love letters?” David asked.

“Hmmm,” the woman went through the pages. “I do have a correspondence between an Iblis demon and Christopher Lightwood? Would you be interested in that?”

if u don't mind I would love to see both of those-

you know I just remembered I have a computer assignment I need to submit by the end of this week fml

“Never fall in love with an immortal,” she giggled again. “We don’t like staying in one place.”

SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP

MAX WHERE ARE YOU

why are we using x and 3 in programming class what the heck is going on

“I’m not just some warlock,” Max said, his voice low. “I’m Magnus Bane’s son.”

GIVE HIM THAT NECKLACE BACK

we usually have programming once a week on our physical school days and those are fun because my and my friend are continuously passing notes and talking to each other through writing

The scene where Max fought off all the evil people who tried to steal his valuable belonging. He would fight without breaking a sweat and throw magic fireballs at everyone and then get his necklace back. And then he would kiss David in front of everyone and it would somehow rain all of a sudden.

But life wasn’t a movie or a book. Life was just life.

life's boring

fuck life

I just heard a student ask "why are we not taking out the values of b and c" BESTIE I THOUGHT WE WERE DOING PROGRAMMING AND NOT ALGEBRA?????

“I know there wasn’t anyone to protect you before,” Magnus Bane had said. “But we are here now. We will protect you. This will protect you.”

He hadn’t wanted it back then. He didn't even want it even now.

He didn’t want something to protect him. Most importantly, he didn’t want to cover his scar. He didn’t want to hide it. He wasn’t ashamed of it. It wasn’t a mark of a victim. It was the mark of a survivor.

So, David had smiled and given the bracelet back.

“I never wanted to be protected,” David had replied. “I only ever wanted to be loved.”

The warlock had smiled at that and given David a hug. It had felt different than other hugs he had experienced since he had come to New York.

It wasn’t just the magic. Magnus Bane carried so much love inside himself you could literally feel it through him.

I'm gonna cry during my programming class (where we're doing variables apparently all of a sudden??)

this is so beautiful

“I wasn’t talking about Bapa,” Max said now. “I was talking about the other one.”

David chuckled at that. “Oh, yeah. He is definitely going to kill you.”

what flowers would you like at your funeral?

so Jackson has family troubles

I've definitely got that

yeah I know what it's like to be jealous of someone else's perfect family

JACKSON WTF

Is he trying to ruin max's relationship with his family???

oh hell no

JACKSON THE AUDACITY

“One stolen necklace, One broken nose and One bruised cheek,” he said. “And you’ve been in London for less than a day.”

kit seriously? but is he wrong though?

“This is what I get for falling for a Lightwood-Bane,” David sighed and walked through the portal.

WELL AT LEAST HE'S SELF AWARE

Jackson...

in some ways, I can empathize with him. my younger self anyway. but Jackson this is not how you do things

There was a moment of silence and then Magnus Bane giggled.

“I do love it when the quiet ones go feral,” the warlock grinned.

MAGNUS

NOT.THE.TIME

(me too)

“David!” Mr Herondale gasped. “Is your hand okay?”

yup that's Jace y'all

David hated violence. He hated fighting – which he was often not allowed to say out loud considering he was a shadowhunter.

But it was the truth. He hated hurting people – or even things. It made him feel sick.

“It’s alright, Chouchou,” Mr Herondale ran a hand through David’s hair. “Next time, just-”

“Use my words?” David asked.

“Just don’t get caught,” the man winked.

and that is why I would never want to be a shadowhunter.

I know saying that doesn't do anything but when I first read tsc I wanted to be a shadowhunter really badly and damn that was some time ago but now...violence of any kind is my biggest trigger idek why. and I hate that so much because what kind of a person gets triggered by loud voices and fighting EVEN ON SCREEN??? I usually just push myself to watch stuff because it's dumb. I refuse to see trigger warnings before reading a book or watching a show because damn it, I should be able to stand those things I'm, not a child. and it may be doing me more harm than good but I shouldn't feel like this in the first place

okay...that was long

ANYWAY

“David, I appreciate you standing up for Max,” the Consul said. “But next time, please try not to punch anyone in the face.”

“Yes, sir,” David nodded. “Because it’s wrong.”

“Because it means more paperwork for me,” the Consul groaned and then straightened up. “But yes. Absolutely. Very wrong. No punching people!”

LMAO ALEC

Jackson...

oh

oh

oh

I was wrong then

He was grinning. Magnus Bane must have raised hell in the shadow market.

that must have been fun

Max was doing that thing where he was not trying to pout but he was mostly definitely pouting. It made David want to kiss him. But then the Consul spoke, and David reminded himself he didn’t want to be the third person to get punched in the face this evening.

well-

“I understand that Jackson has been through a lot. But that’s not an excuse for him to hurt those around him. I learned that lesson the hard way. So, you shouldn’t excuse his behaviour.”

someone's trauma and pain is never an excuse to hurt others

but that doesn't mean we should invalidate their trauma either

“You can stay back and try to help him. I won’t stop you,” the man got up now. “But if he tries to hurt you-”

“You will unleash hell?” David chuckled.

“Worse,” the other man grinned. “I will unleash Lexi.”

that is much much worse

Books brought him comfort in so many ways. Just holding one in his hands automatically made him feel better.

oh my god

he gets it

I always have a book with me when I'm out even if I'm not gonna get the time to read it because just the weight and comfort of it in my hands or in my backpack brings me so much comfort and helps with my social anxiety so much

no one understands when I try to tell them that

you get it...

someone gets it finally

AYYY IRENE

“David, it’s very sweet that you want to protect Jackson,” Kit pointed out. “But literally no one is buying that. Not even Irene.”

The lynx purred on his lap as if she agreed with Kit.

“I could break into a liquor cabinet,” David said a little indignantly.

David is the nicest you can get

David wouldn’t. Apparently, everyone already seemed to know that - even the lynx he had met five minutes ago.

we are solving something in class and it's really quiet because we're all doing our work (I'm reading the fic so-) and this one person had their mic open and they kept on whispering their steps and it was so weird I cant-

BUT YES DAVID IS A CINNAMON ROLL. EVEN THE LYNX KNOWS

“We were talking about shitty fathers,” Jackson pointed out. “You’re welcome to stay.”

“I’m gonna need something stronger than red wine for this conversation,” Kit chuckled.

I remember that bitch

David used to do it when he was a child. He used to pretend his life was a story. He used to pretend everything that happened to him was happening to some other boy – a boy who wasn’t real. A boy who lived inside a book. Because it hurt a little less when you pretend like it wasn’t happening to you.

But the pain was still very real.

OK YOU CAN STOP CALLING ME OUT NOW

“I fucking hate ogres,” he said through gritted teeth.

“Was your father an ogre too?” Jackson asked.

“He was more like a harpy,” Kit snorted. “He was always flying and fleeing. I didn’t know how deep his talons were in my head until it was too late.”

you really like traumatizing all your characters, don't you?

I really fucking hope the ogre got what he deserved

and if the angel is dead then fuck everyone

“I mean, there was that time when Sebastian Morgenstern turned my father into the endarkened, and then he went around killing people. So, I would say he was more like a zombie,” the man was explaining now. “The zombie father tried to kill me but my brother killed him first.”

“Good lord!” Jackson said in shock.

Kit chuckled softly. “Boy do shadowhunters need therapy.”

they really do

He knew about those from New York. He knew Mr Herondale and Miss Fairchild went for one together.

YES GET THEM THERAPY

“Yikes,” Kit chuckled. “I’d prefer something classier. How about London Boys?”

“None of us are from London though,” Tiberius pointed out.

“The Beatles are not actually beetles, Ty,” Kit chuckled. “It’s just for pizazz.”

damn guys

Then the idea of a band turned into a possible YouTube channel where they would react to cute animal videos.

YS DO IT

“When people do awful things, really awful things, at one point we stop being surprised. Like what Valentine did to his children or what our fathers did to us or what those women did to Rafael. We might have been shocked or disgusted. But it wasn’t unrealistic, was it?”

“I guess not,” the boy said.

“Even when they did the most unimaginable acts of cruelty, it somehow managed to fit into our imagination. We accepted that the world can be unrealistically cruel. The kind of cruelty we will never understand. But why isn’t it the same for kindness? Why is that when someone is too kind, we automatically feel uncomfortable? We judge their intensions or think they are just pretending to be nice. We think they are being unrealistic. Why is that?”

we get so used to cruelty that kindness feels weird

“But that’s how our life works, doesn’t it? It’s a giant ball of what ifs and could have beens and if nots. What if my father had loved me instead of hurt me? Could I have been kinder if I was hugged instead of being abused? Would have I been a different person if not for my trauma? Our lives are an endless collection of theories about our real selves. The one didn’t we never had the chance to become.”

THIS

I used to spend a bunch of time on the what-ifs but those are useless. so screw the what-ifs and live in the present

“I guess we’ll never know, Jackson. None of us will never know how we would have turned out if things had been different for us. We never got the chance to be who were meant to be. Instead, we became who we had to become to survive what we went through. We will never know our true selves. We only know the version of us that made it through all the trauma.”

“Christ, that’s depressing,” Jackson said.

“It is,” David nodded. “But we made it through. We survived. I think we should focus on that.”

you survived. that's what matters

“There is nothing wrong with wanting to be rescued,” David smiled.

I wish I had heard this before...

maybe I don't always have to be strong. maybe it's ok sometimes just want to be saved.

I'm so happy that both Jackson and David found each other

David had learned Gaelic. Jackson had learned how to play the piano.

They had laughed and lived and loved and learned.

And they had survived – one day at a time. The London Boys.

they survived.

I know I'm always key smashing and screaming but these words, these lines, all these chapters mean so so much to me.

“You’ll write to me, won’t you?” David asked, hugging Jackson closely.

“No,” Jackson replied. “I will FaceTime you like a normal person, you weirdo!”

David laughed at that. “I prefer letters. They are more emotional.”

“I’ll text you,” Jackson countered. “With emojis.”

oh to have someone write me letters.

I love writing letters

once at the end of a school year, I wrote little letters to everyone in my class anonymously. even the people who had been mean to me. that was like 1-2 years after my transfer to that school and everyone practically hated me but I wanted to do something nice because who knows what someone is going through. I ended up not putting them in people's desks...

I threw them all away :)

but writing letters is superior

I often write my feelings down and give the letter to someone rather than talk to someone

if you receive a letter from me or a custom-made gift...you have reached my ultimate friendship

oh my god. THIS IS HOW I SHOULD TALK TO ONE OF MY FRIENDS ABOUT MY FEELINGS

It's kind of been a mess between us and I want to talk to her but I didn't know how to.

this is why i shouldn't send asks-

JACKSON CATCHING UP ON MAX AND DAVID

“You know what it means,” Jackson grinned harder. “Also, if that wanker tries to break your heart, I will break his face.”

“You know he is the Consul’s son?” David giggled.

“I’ve done it once and I will do it again,” Jackson shrugged. “He better treat you right.”

"wanker"

I HAVE A BRITISH ONLINE FRIEND AND THEY CALLED OUR AMERICAN ONLINE FRIEND A WANKER

AND OUR OTHER BRITISH FRIEND JOINED IN

WHILE ALL THE NON-BRITISH PEOPLE WERE LIKE "huh"

Lexi had cut her hair even shorter. Her girlfriend apparently got something called an undercut.

“Just in case someone dared to assume we were straight,” she had winked at him.

how many years has this fake dating been going on...

CENTURION SELENA

fterA the twins went to bed, David stepped out of the institute and went looking for his heart.

"went looking for his heart"

OH FUCK I FORGOT TO JOIN MY CLASS

MAX STOP DEPLETING YOUR SELF GODDAMN

And then somewhere along the way, Max’s heartbeat had become the steadiest thing in David’s life.

Max, with all his chaos and drama and danger, had become the steadiest thing in David’s life.

oh my god that's a parallel from canon

“Tell me why.”

“Ain't nothing but a heart break!!"

Max-

Max could make fireballs that killed demons on the spot. He could summon things from anywhere. He could heal people with his eyes closed. He was one of the youngest warlocks allowed to visit the spiral labyrinth.

Max was a warlock in every sense. A good one. A great one even.

he is so talented...

Only idiots would underestimate Magnus Bane’s power.

EXACTLY

He is probably going to be Consul like next week.”

David chuckled. “Next week?”

next week????

“Yeah, his smoking habits,” Max rolled his eyes.

Rafael wasn’t the smoker in the family. He knew who it was, but David would never open his mouth. It wasn’t his secret to tell.

this keeps on getting better

“It’s my hair!” David laughed.

“And you’re my David!” Max argued. “I say you are not allowed to grow your hair.”

MY DAVID

MY DAVID

MY DAVID

“I don’t want to downworld-splain it to you.”

Max blinked and then laughed. “You don’t want to what?”

“Downworld-splain,” David mumbled. “It’s when shadowhunters explain downworlders how to be downworlders.”

they were SO close to kissing

I'm gonna get in there and lock them in a closet together and tell them to FUCKING GET WITH IT

Remember who you are. Remember where you stand.

remember who you are. remember where you stand...

I know this is supposed to be about portals.

OH MY GOD THEY KISSED

THEY KISSED

IM SO CLOSE TO SCREAMING CLASS AND EVERYONE OUTSIDE THIS ROOM BE DAMNED

OH MY GOD DAVID FELL

reminds me of when alec fell down the stairs-

OH MY GOD I'M GONNA SCREAM

WE'RE GONNA GET MORE MAVID CONTENT SOON I'M SCREAMING INTERNALLY UYDRVFY7VSDU7UYVFSDUYGCADUYIGJCDSHJKGDVCSUGISDVHVF

ok, I have a computer assignment to get to and tests to study for. BUT I LOVED THIS CHAPTER SO SO MUCH!! THEY FINALLY KISSED I'M SO HAPPY!!!!!

Also I know I tend to go off track and you can totally ignore that. i just go crazy. BYEE

This live blog gives me so much life you don't even know. I am go glad you enjoyed the chapter. I love hearing you rant about it. It's refreshing lol.

And I looooooove the lil anecdotes you share in between. Also wtf is a programming class like nobody wants to learn programme what kind of hetero nonsense I-

FINISH YOUR ASSIGNMENTS AND STUDY FOR YOUR TESTS I'LL SEE YOU SOON :)

[violet-t-9]

Check in on my (not very realistic) wish list for episode 139

1. Nobody dies in the potential battle against Lucien/the Somnovem? I will be fine with temporary unconciousness but please nobody actually dies? Will they even fight? What was going on with the cliffhanger? I have so many questions!

Hey nobody died! Nobody even went unconscious. Can't believe we have a part 2 to this epic boss fight. This showdown is awesome! At least we know what will happen next episode.

2. The group uses their new eye powers for something (group telepathy will be hilarious, especially accidental) or just in general goof off with their new eyes.

NVM we are doing the boss fight right now

3. Beau or Caleb discover more new eye functions that we have not seen before (antimagic cone anyone? Does the eye location have any meaning? Lucien’s was also on the chest right?)

NVM we are doing the boss fight right now. If the locations mean anything, so far it's not revealed.

4. We get to see more of the party members’ new powers/abilities since they levelled up and got a long rest! Let’s gooo.

MOTIVATIONAL SPEECH thanks Cad. It's a new power we haven't seen before! Caleb knows gravity fissure now, apparently! Fjord and Veth also considered using new abilities before the break. Jester used contagion on Lucien! It was a nice try.

5. They get some sort of contact with/update from the material plane (i.e. their family, Yussa, or anybody else I guess just not Trent please), it’s been a while I wonder what’s going on over there. Has Jester’s parent trap succeeded fully yet? Has the assembly been investigated yet? Has Yussa figured out what the Nein did with his emergency exit gift? How are Yeza and Luc doing in the crime bar? Is the Dynasty looking into Essek? So many possibilities.

NVM we are doing the boss fight right now

6. The M9 succeed in stopping the city from going to the material plane and find a way to potentially destroy it by the end of the episode.

It appears that them plane shifting the crest away actually does ensure that the city cannot return to the material plane, that's great news! Also, I assume destroying Lucien would be a good first step to destroying the city.

7. Beau and Yasha continue to fight like the power couple they are and to indulge in PDA in the flesh horror city (because why not). Bonus: we find out Yasha’s plans for Beau’s red cape/the cape is used by Beau in the episode.

The discussion between Beau, Yasha and Veth LMAO. Oh NO Yasha is fighting Beau again - that natural 1 though! The miss! Another natural 1! The power of love!!!! Yasha also used the battle cry to protect Beau!

8. Fjord and Jester continue to be domestic and supportive of each other in these trying times because they are great. Bonus: more Sprinkle/Artagan mentions or interactions.

Jester and Fjord starting strong with the dirty/natural 20's! Also "I'd rather you wear it" "Fjord, it's so expensive!" They are so cute. Ayy Sprinkle/Artagan both got fed the Heroes' Feast! The excitement over the ring finally working lol. "Imma cast it at 4th level" lol Jester really tried her best to remove his slow and it worked!

9. Obligatory wish for Essek’s fancy dunamancy or magical items (Bonus: STILL hoping to see more high-damage AOE offensive spells that Essek has never cast because of the party placement, dark star anybody?).

The trapped haste spell MmmMm. GRAVITY FISSURE YAY hot spell flavour is hot. THANK YOU for that dispel magic on Yasha Essek you are the best. Nice magic missile but he is out in the open oh nO he is charmed oh no is he going to dark star the party?? Wheww thank you Caleb for the dispel, at fifth level too! He was so going to dark star Lucien if Cad was not pulled.

10. Obligatory wish for Caleb’s polymorph spell on himself or a party member. Actually, let’s expand to any party member’s polymorph! Give me those sweet polymorph interactions.

NVM we are doing the boss fight right now

11. The party tries to reach Lucien by mentioning Molly and Lucien actually having a physical reaction to their words.

Wow that was a physical reaction alright, definitely to Jester and Caleb's mention of Molly's name. Jester's song also had an effect. Everybody is trying yay! Well, it was worth a try. BEAU'S bonus action Gustuv talk made him lose a legendary action WOW. Fjord's, Caleb's attempt also succeeded. In round 2, Beau removed 1 legendary action, followed by Jester

12. Obligatory wish for Essek’s room in the tower (it will stay until it happens).

NVM we are doing the boss fight right now

13. Obligatory wish for Cad being a MVP in and out of combat because he always is.

CAD what a good pep talk I love you. Path to the grave and also the reaction war caster blight, very nice.

14. I NEED MORE RP PLEASE like last week’s high intensity combat was fun but I miss one-on-one conversations give them to me thank you. Longer conversations are even better.

NVM we are doing the boss fight right now, however there was a lot of Molly RP involved.

15. Everybody being super freaked out/creeped out by the terrible flesh city thanks to Matt’s wonderfully detailed and awesome descriptions.

The damaged state of the city, how it leans towards Lucien's cocoon thing and Lucien's transformation... OH NO the stalks not the tentacle stalks.

16.  At least one of the party members get mind-influenced/charmed by some effect during the combat (well at least Caleb’s got mind blank and Veth got intellect fortress, but I would be surprised if there was no mind shenanigans).

Well, I knew it would happen. Gaudius, the eye of longing/love that did not affect Beau DID charm Yasha with a failed wis save and Yasha attacked Beau, again. However thanks to Essek it didn't last long!

17. Somebody check in a bit on Essek’s mental state because he is clearly not entirely desensitized as seen from last episode. At least he got a full rest so physically he is fine (just squishy, like wizards are).

Hey Essek got to open up a little bit before their final fight, so that was great.

18. Caleb uses more fire or his customized spells or just any cool spells in general I guess because what’s sexier than wizards NOTHING I’m still hyped from last week.

Gravity fissure already?? Sweet max damage, despite the save! Caleb you can literally just copy any spell you see cast can't you, high int wizard I love you. Also the use of that potion and the scroll were pretty smart too.

19. We learn more about Lucien’s motives and what he is actually trying to do, or more about the Somnovem’s different? motives because I was very confused last episode. Lucien wants to “parent” the Somnovem by bombing them with 10 intuit charges, like okay are you sure you are not trying to kill them? Then again, if that doesn’t severely damage the Somnovem I don’t know what will.

Well we now know that Lucien has all the Somnovem power inside himself now and is still very much wanting to bring back the city - at least he can't right now because of the threshold crest they got rid of last session. This clarifies a lot. I guess the "parenting" was to weaken the Somnovem for him to absorb them all into himself?

20. Obligatory wish for everyone to remain relatively happy and alive by the end of the episode except Lucien, and the episode ends on a terrifying cliffhanger as always.

I mean, should have known that Lucien cannot be killed in 1 session. Otherwise though, what an episode! What a session! Absolutely amazing.

Bonus:

ESSEK IS MAKING A JOKE LMAO I can't with this man, he is also giving everybody spells/gifts, cute - I guess wizards all have the save love language.

CALEB IS ABOVE 100 HP thank you Jester for that 17 roll from Heroes' Feast! I knew you'd do it. The feast was so crucial in their combat too, what a queen. Caleb always be covering his friends in his anti-aberration cone, and burning Lucien's legendary reactions. Great moves.

Veth are you... horny for Lucien??? LMAO

OH NO Gaudius on Essek this is the alternative Essek bossfight timeline OH NO but at the same time YES the angst- oh nvm Caleb thanks lol.

Extra - combat notes for my record:

Saves minus # eyes

Elatis - Excitement, pulling the target 120 ft towards Lucien + eye.

Ira - Rage, fireball effect AOE damage.

Fastidan - Disgust (wilting dull green) necrotic damage

Luctus - Grief (Dex save), slow spell effect.

Timorei - fear effect, but negated by Heroes' feast immunity.

Culpasi - guilt (Con save) disadvantage on saving throws +...

Miramus - (wis save)

Vigilan - the eye that moves/emanates the anti-magic cone

Gaudius - (wis save) charm effect

WHAT A FIGHT! I can't wait for part 2 and hopefully that's Lucien's final form. I did not think that the Molly influence will have such a profound effect, but I sure am glad it did! Everyone was so amazing in this combat, I love it all.

[tendousthoughts]

Our Plan

Y/N or Ship(s): Ship (KuroKen & BokuAka)

Genre: Fluff/slight angst

Warnings: Mention of not eating/weight, foul language (cursing)

Summary: Does he really love me? I hope so. I love him so much, it hurts. Even though everyone seems to be telling me the same thing... how can I trust them when I don’t see it myself. I won’t confess until I know for sure.

A/N: Heyo! I’m sorry I didn’t post any stories for like a week. I have been really lazy.. I won’t be doing a longer version for this. I am writing this for all the people who got hurt from my last KuroKen fanfic (My Petals). If you can go check out my last fanfic (Mine forever). I might be doing some more headcanons later today/tomorrow. Please go ahead and request/comment/chat me. As always sorry for the grammatical and spelling errors!

Goodbye

There he goes like he was never there. God Kuroo I wish you wouldn’t leave me alone. I am going to miss you so much. ~ Kenma

There was Kuroo sitting on the bench waiting for the train. Holding back his tears. He wished he could believe that Kenma liked him. But he couldn’t, no matter how many people told him otherwise.

Kenma wished he could just confess. But he couldn’t come to agree with the statement that Kuroo liked him.

“Kenma?” Kuroo whispered.

“Mhm?” Kenma mumbled.

“Will you miss me?” He choked out as tears began to flood his eyes.

“Of course, Kuroo” tears began to fall.

Kuroo slowly opened up his arms as kenma slowly entered his grasp. Holding him tight. “Kenma, I’m going to miss you so much,” Kuroo whispered.

“Promise to visit me?” Kenma mumbled hiding his face into his shoulder.

“I wouldn’t miss it for the world.” Kuroo whispered as he closed his eyes. The tear’s wouldn’t stop rolling down his face.

Screeeech

Stop

Gone

Where are you?

Kuroo sat in his new dorm. It’s been one week yet nobody could tell him where Kenma was. Not only that, Kenma wasn’t answering anyone. He couldn’t help but think it was his fault. This was only the first week. The next break he had was about a month from then.

Kenma sat in his bed. He wasn’t hungry. He hadn’t eaten for like a day. He wished Kuroo didn’t leave.

Ring..

Ring..

Ring..

Kenma slowly looked at his phone. Akaashi was calling him.

“Hey..” he grumbled softly as he picked up.

“where the hell have you been?” Akaashi screamed.

“Why?” Kenma didn’t want anything other than to have this phone call over.

“WHY? ARE YOU SERIOUS?” Akaashi screamed.

Fuck. Can everyone leave me alone? ~ Kenma

“Akaashi I am Okay you don’t have to worry nobody does. Can you ask everyone to just leave me the hell alone? I’m not a lost puppy that needs help. I am tired. I know I have to fucking move on okay so don’t go telling me that. I just miss him. Everyone tells me he likes me. Then when we are talking he only talks about a girl he likes. I need people to stop trying to help. They aren’t helping.” Kenma was already crying.

Fuck I’m sorry Kenma. ~ Akaashi

“Kenma.. I am sorry. I didn’t mean to do that. I’m sorry about Kuroo. Please can I just come to check up on you?” Akaashi started. “I won’t- ”

“My House...” Kenma whispered.

“Huh?”

“I’m at my house, You can come check up on me. I want only two people max though. So go ahead and choose someone. I don’t want Kuroo knowing anything about how I’m doing. So choose someone trustworthy.” Kenma mumbled and hung up.

He Doesn’t

Knock..

Knock..

Knock..

Kenma slowly opened the door. There stood Akaashi.

“Hey kenma..” Akaashi smiled as he walked in. The house was a mess.

I’m so sorry Kenma. I don’t know if I have done anything to cause this but if I have I am so fucking sorry. You look so sick. How long have you not brushed your hair? When was the last time you ate something, you’re so pale? When was the last time you slept.. You have really bad eye bags. ~ Akaashi

What the actual hell. Why is nobody concerned about you? Akaashi your eyes are so red. You look almost as tired as me. What the hell are you doing here? Huh? ~ Kenma

“What happened to you?” Kenma laughed. “You look almost as bad as me.”

“What do you mean?” Akaashi smiled softly.

“Why were you crying huh?” Kenma blurted out

“Oh uh, I just miss Bokuto. You?” Akaashi whispered

“Oh that Owl? I miss Kuroo” Kenma tried to lighten the mood

“I know you didn’t just come for Bokuto when Kuroo looks like a rooster” Akaashi laughed.

“He does not!”

“Does too!”

Kenma giggled a bit. “You hungry?”

“Sure,” Akaashi smiled.

“Okay I’ll go make some food, you go take a shower. You look like a mess.”

“I know you didn’t call me a mess!”

“Did too! I’ll take one after you can borrow some of my clothes.” Kenma smiled as he began to make some food.

In about fifteen minutes. Akaashi walked out.

“You and Bokuto are not together?” Kenma took a bite out of his food.

“Um no.. he doesn’t like me.”

“Are you sure? I think he does. All he does is talk about his Akaashi when he comes over.” Kenma smiled.

“H-His?” Akaashi’s heart fluttered.

“Mhm! But he doesn’t think you like him..”

“I do! But then again he might just be calling me his. As a friendly way. Anyway how about you and Kuroo?”

“He said he likes this girl.”

“Oh weird.”

“What do you mean weird?”

“He told me he is gay.” Akaashi looked seriously confused.

“I think it was as a joke ‘Kaashi” Kenma smiled softly. “Bokuto and you would be cute.”

“I wish he would just confess..”

“Why don’t you?”

“Unsure.. I just want to make sure he likes me and just doesn’t feel bad. Dating me out of pity and shit, you know?”

“Ya.. You know we could fake dating. It would help speed up the process of this sappy shit.” Kenma said jokingly.

“I guess... Oh and it will help us find out about you and Kuroo!”

“Oh um okay.. I bet you have been ignoring everyone too?”

“Mhm..”

“ ‘Kay just text everyone ‘Sorry I was busy lately Kenma just confessed to me and we have been going on dates.’ I’ll say the same thing.

Akaashi sent the messages and so did Kenma.

“In like three weeks we will fake a breakup. Just in time for Bokuto and Kuroo to come back!” Akaashi smiled

“Well okay, baby~” Kenma winked and smiled

He did what?

Kuroo stood there looking at the message for a good ten minutes. Trying to see how to respond.

“Oh um.. Congrats.” Kuroo sent as tears rolled down his face.

Bokuto called up Kuroo.

“Hey?” Bokuto shouted.

“Yes?”

“Tell Kenma to back off ! I really really really like ‘Kaashi!”

“I know Bokuto. I wish they weren’t dating..”

“Do you think ‘Kaashi is not good enough for Kenma! Huh? ‘Cause Kenma doesn’t deserve him! ‘Kaashi is the most calm, best, kindest person out there!”

“No Bokuto. I don’t think that, it is just I like him.”

“Oh. Umm well I think when we visit we need to make them fall for us instead!” Bokuto smiled proudly.

“I guess Bokuto but they love each other and we shouldn’t hurt them by doing that.”

Even though I wish you liked me Kenma. I thought you liked me too. Was I not clear enough? Did telling you that I like a girl really confuses you? Or did you really never like me?~ Kuroo

Breakup

Kenma smiled softly. They never kissed. Akaashi wanting to have his first with Bokuto, and Kenma wanting to have it with whoever actually would like him. It being Kuroo or not.

“Ready for part two to be in place?” Kenma smiled softly.

“Yep! So let’s just post on our twitter that we broke up and it was mutual. As well as we realized we both liked other boys so there are no hard feelings. We will still be friends and all.” Akaashi whispered.

“Okay you wanna post it first and in twenty minutes I’ll post mine?”

“Okay.”

I really hope this works.. I don’t know why it would. I really love you though Kuroo. Please if there is any fighting chance... please love me. ~ Kenma

Bokuto-san, I know this might not work. But, I won’t give up. Am I not making it clear enough? I tried to tell you I love you. But you took it as if it was a friend type thing, how many friends tell you that? How do I make it clearer? Do you like me or do you not Bokuto-san? Because, I really like you. ~ Akaashi

Once they were both posted, Kenma and Akaashi just got ready for sleep, not thinking much about it.

My Shot

Kuroo woke up to the sound of his phone. He slowly rubbed his eyes slowly.

“Hey Bokuto you needed something” he whispered softly as he yawned, half asleep.

“ ‘Kaashi and Kenma broke up! So now I can be with ‘Kaashi!” He giggled softly. “I am going to ask him out next week when I see him!”

“What?” Kuroo woke up with that sentence. “They broke up? Do you know how Kenma is?” Kuroo blurted out.

“I don’t know.. But I can be with ‘Kaashi now!” He smiled softly thinking of being with his ‘Kaashi he couldn’t wait.

“Uh okay well talk to you later imma call Kenma.”

“Okayyy~”

Kuroo hung up. Taking a deep breath. Closing his eyes. Not now. Not fucking now. Not when all he is doing is trying to avoid this feeling.

Confession

There you are Bokuto-San. I love you so much. I wonder if you knew that. I love your eyes. They are so fucking pretty. I love your smile.. I love your everything. I. Love. You. ~ Akaashi

My ‘Kaashi is so beautiful.. I wonder if Akaashi will like me back. He is the best looking person. He is so calm, kind, and gentle. I love him so much. I. Love. You. My. Lover boy. ~ Bokuto

Bokuto ran up and picked up Akaashi. “MY ‘KAASHI!” He giggled as he placed a kiss on his head.

“Hello Bokuto-San,” he blushed from the name and the kiss.

“I like you. Like really really really like you!” He smiled as he carried him. Swinging him around. “Can you be my boyfriend?”

“What?” Akaashi blushed harder.

“Can you be mine forever ‘Kaashi?” Bokuto stopped spinning, looking Akaashi dead in the eyes. With his stupidly cheerful, happy grin. One that could brighten anyone’s day.

“Uh..” Akaashi was shocked. But soon reconnected to reality. “I will. I will!” He smiled tears rolling down his cheeks as he slowly looked at bokuto with his eyes that could melt anyone’s heart.

“Can I kiss you?” Bokuto asked.

“Um.. Ya I would love that,” He whispered.

A soft pair of lips pressed against his. The lips of the only boy he had ever loved and will ever love.

Convincing

There he is. The boy I will forever love. The boy I wish was mine. The boy who might not love me. The boy who might not even like boys. The boy who is my everything, Kuroo.” ~ Kenma

I love you Kenma. I hope by the end of tonight I will be yours and you will be mine. Can we make this happen? I hope so Kenma because I can’t see you go find another lover. I love you too much for that. I hope you love me that much too. ~ Kuroo

Kuroo walked up and smiled softly, “Miss me?” He asked softly.

“Mhm,” he smiled as he jumped up. Kuroo instinctively reached up and began to carry him.

“I missed you too, I missed you a lot,” he whispered as he held on to Kenma tightly.

Kenma smiled and nuzzled into Kuroo’s warm neck.

“Hey Kenma, I’m gay. You know that right?” Kuroo whispered.

“Uh... no..?” He mumbled. “I thought you liked that girl. The one you talk about all the time. You know, the girl with the great personality and is all warm towards you?”

“Kenma am I that convincing?” Kuroo chuckled.

“I guess. You like someone though?”

“Mhm.. you” Kuroo chuckled. His anxiety was extremely high, wondering how kenma would respond to the sudden confession.

“What?” Kenma moved from his spot, his face red.

“I like you Kenma, I like how cute you are. I like how calm you are. I like how you can be super observant. I like how when you want to do something really bad you won’t stop till you have done it. So Kenma, will you be my boyfriend?” Kuroo was pink looking into his eyes. Those eyes were going to be the death of him.

“I-I like you too.. so yes,” Kenma giggled.

“Kiss?” Kuroo looked away, embarrassed as he said so.

Kenma shook his head slightly as his lips hit Kuroo’s. His smile was wide. His heart pounding fast. He was happy. Happy forever.

[thou-crusty-batch-of-nature]

The rise and fall of our love

part one | part two

playlist: broken by jake bugg

no.1 party anthem by arctic monkeys

pairing: james x reader, james x lily 

warnings: language, angst, fluff 

A/N: sooo im back with part two!!! thank you for the fantastic feedback and appreciation you gave me on the first part, and i hope this lives up to your expectations!!!! sending all the love xoxo

masterlist

(moodboard made by me)

"How is he?" 

"Y/N…" Remus began, putting down his quill. Your gaze never left the essay in front of him, refusing to see the pity that his stare held. Because that - that glint in his eyes, the way the right corner of his mouth lifted in a poor attempt of a smile - that was pity. 

You shook your head softly. How did it get here? 

"Am I not allowed to know? He won't speak to me or look at me. I almost feel guilty even though I know I haven't done anything wrong." 

"James is…"

"A fool." 

You knew he was trying not to smile. "Yes, that is the obvious answer. But he is still with Lily." 

Of course he is. What he said that day - or rather what he smelt - has been the talk of the school for weeks. People were staring at you in the halls, pointing behind your back - so much that you stopped hanging out anywhere else besides your dorm and the library. 

And James - he never bothered to say anything to you. It hurt more than you expected to, but you didn't let it show. I am fine, you said every time one of your friends asked. Then, you would smile kindly and change the subject. You would see them exchange worried glances - you pretended you didn't notice. Soon they stopped asking, and you stopped pretending. 

"Do they love each other?" Something in your pathetic heart broke at the quiver in your voice. Love.

Love. Never in your life have you heard a more overrated word. So much loss, so much damage made for love. Was it really worth it? The way your stomach dropped and the slight tremble of your lip, the ache that would just not go away - were these the cost of love? 

You lifted your head, meeting his gaze. He watched you in awe - as if he read the truth in your eyes. You felt the tears roll on your cheeks, hitting the parchments sprawled on your desk. You let them fall. He opened his mouth, then closed it. 

"I understand." you whispered. 

You got up, but Remus caught your hand. 

"Do you…?" 

You smiled softly. "Does it matter anymore?" 

He let go of your hand and you walked away. 

×××

"Hogsmeade, today?" Sirius asked as he plopped down next to you. He took a big bite of your sandwich - and noticing your icy glare, he put his hand over your shoulder and pressed a sloppy kiss on your cheek. You pushed him off you and wiped your face. 

"Bloody hell! You even kiss like a dog!" you retorted. 

"No, I don't." 

"No, he doesn't." Marlene smirked and you rolled your eyes. 

"Hogsmeade, you were saying?" 

"Yes - Remus and Lily are busy with their important top-secret prefect duties and James has quidditch practice, so it'll be just us. I guess you don't mind third-wheeling for a bit." 

"Can't wait!" you feigned excitement. 

×××

It was freezing, to say the least. You were glad you had two pairs of socks on, otherwise you might have had to postpone the trip and pay a visit to the hospital wing instead. 

"I don't sound like that!" Sirius whined, handing you and Marlene your butterbeer - you've decided to stop at The Three Broomsticks. 

"Of course you do, darling. And may I add that you look ravishing." you purred in your best impression of Sirius' voice. Then, you turned to Marlene and winked. "You are the most gorgeous person in here."

"Careful, that's not true." a voice caught your attention. No, no no no.

"Oi - Prongs, mate! Thought you had quidditch practice!" Sirius clapped him on the shoulder. 

"Got cancelled because of the snow. Hello." he nodded and smiled towards you and Marlene, then pulled a chair at the table. It was the first time he's talked to you in weeks. 

You didn't bother to answer. In fact, you didn't even look at him. The rest of your stay at the pub passed in a haze, with careless answers and quick nods. 

×××

Before you knew it, you were left on a bench with James, waiting for the others to "buy some quills from Scrivenshaft's Quill Shop", as they were in big need of "quills" and "didn't have any left to write the Transfiguration essay we had due Wednesday". Oh, if only you had Transfiguration on Wednesdays! 

"So… how have you been?" James trailed off, rubbing his neck. Ah, so that's how he wanted to play this game.Too bad. 

"Why, James?" you ask, gazing at the shops in front of you. "Why did you ignore me? What happened that day?" 

He sighed. "I don't know. I- I made a mistake. You shouldn't have found out, not like that." 

"You have some guts, don't you?" you spat. 

"Excuse me?" You faced him. That face - the face you dreamt about, the one you kept telling yourself you hated - you missed that face, you missed him so much that you were glad you were sitting down, for you might as well have fallen to your knees. 

"Do you know how it is," you started, feeling the tears pooling in your eyes, "to feel so alone that you find yourself crying without a reason? Do you know how it feels to spend your nights wondering why you weren't enough - what you did to deserve this? Even if you did nothing wrong?"

"Do you know how it's like to watch the person you love drift away from you? To watch that person become a stranger? Do you know how it felt to know that you wouldn't even look at me?" You were now shouting. "Tell me, James! Look me in the eyes and tell me!" 

Silence. You watched him trying to find an answer and you silently begged him to say something. 

"Do you love me?" he whispered incredulously. Not that. 

"Would it change anything if I said I do?" 

"I don't know."

"Do you still love her?" You couldn't say her name. 

"I don't know." He let his head fall in his hands. For the first time in weeks, you laughed. You laughed until your vision went blurry, until you felt the salty taste of your tears. 

"You know nothing, James Potter." you sneered, then got up. 

You made your way back to the castle alone. 

×××

"Guys guys I have the most amazing idea." Sirius came rushing in the Great Hall, managing to trip and almost fall. He quickly regained his composure and continued running as if nothing had happened. 

"That's new." Remus said while reading the prophet. 

It's been weeks since that night in Hogsmeade, weeks in which you've avoided James at all costs, despite his numerous attempts at conversation. 

"I'll choose to ignore that." Sirius glared at his friend, then continued. "Don't you all want to go for a dip?" 

"I think I speak for all of us when I say that I do not intend to die in the freezing lake on a lovely day of winter." You scowl, munching on your pastries. You loved pastries. (mood) 

Sirius smirked. "I'm glad you are all so joyous so early in the morning, but for your knowledge, I wasn't talking about the lake. My dear, smartass friends, I was thinking of crashing the Prefects bathroom!" 

That got your attention. You looked at Remus full of hope and he shrugged. 

"And how exactly are we going to do that? "

"Well, this is where our prefect friends come in handy."

"Lily would never help you do this." James cuts in. 

"That's why I wasn't planning on inviting her." Much to your surprise James didn't object. "You forgot about our other prefect friend - and I'm looking at you, Moony." 

You all looked at Remus who seemed a tad bit uncomfortable. "I guess - alright? But if anyone catches us, it's your fault." he pointed his finger at Sirius. 

"I solemnly swear." He put his hand over his heart, then winked. 

×××

"Looks like your plan to ignore James isn't gonna last." Marlene said while stuffing all the towels she could find in her bag. 

"I'm aware of that." You really were. You've mentally prepared yourself to spend the night in the same room with him for the past week. "Ready? The boys are waiting." 

"Yeah, let's go." You were to go to the bathroom in groups of three using the cloak, then spend the night there. 

"Alright," Sirius' head popped from under the cloak "we'll go together - Remus, James and Peter are already there. Come on." he whispered. 

You got to the bathroom in no time and you could feel the butterflies in your stomach. You felt pathetic - you were all going to hang out as friends. 

Marlene's hand squeezed yours - everything will be alright. It was your thing; back in the day, you used to do this every time the other would be anxious about something. You looked at her and smiled, squeezing back twice - I know. 

You entered and your mouth flew open.  You've never seen a more luxurious bathroom before. The "bathtub" was easily the size of a medium sized pool. Greek caryatids held the archways, and the stained glass windows reflected their patterns on the marble floor tiles. 

"I suddenly feel bad for not working harder to be a prefect - if I had known this would be my bathroom, I would've gladly learnt the entire History of Magic coursebook by heart" Marlene said, with a small pout on her face and her arms crossed. 

"Same here." Your gaze followed the sculptures on the ceiling and slowly fell on him. He looked angelic - the way the coloured moonlight caressed his face, the faint blush on his cheeks - made him part of the setting. 

There was no point in lying to yourself. You liked him, despite everything he's done, everything he's said, you continued to like him. All those comforting lies you've said were trying to cover the inevitable truth, the truth which had been well hidden somewhere deep inside your soul. Until now. 

You stripped out of your clothes, fully aware of his impertinent stare. You stepped into the pool, sighing in pleasure at the warmth of the water. 

"Wanna play anything?" you asked no one in particular. 

"Oh, we should play shoulder wars!" Sirius exclaimed excitedly.

"I think I'm gonna skip this!" Peter announced from his chair. 

You looked at James, then turned to Remus. You rose your eyebrows inquisitively, and he smiled kindly. 

"I guess imma skip this one as well." James said, slightly disappointed. 

"Come on, Marls, we gotta kick some ass."

And so did the games begin. 

×××

You were trying, and failing miserably to keep your balance on Remus' shoulders. 

"Haha- losers!" Marlene laughed. It was your sixth time losing.

"Y/N, I think I'll give up now, before this becomes too humiliating." Remus said while getting out of the water and pulling out his book. 

"No Remus, you can't give up now! I know we can do this!" you saw him sit comfortably in an armchair, and something clicked into your mind. "You ditch me to read? And sabotaged me? Remus John Lupin, I'm disappointed."

"Take Prongs instead, he's far more competitive than I am." he smiled innocently. So this was his plan. 

You turned to James, and he got up excitedly. You got on his shoulders, and his hands tentatively touched your legs. You saw Marlene and Sirius smirking and you glared at them. 

×××

The score was close. It was the match point. Marlene was desperately trying to push you when you came up with the winning idea. You splashed some water into her face, obstructing her vision. Then, you tickled her and she fell. 

"And that's how it's done!" you shout, raising your fist. Marlene's head appeared from under the water, clearly mad. 

"That was not fair!" 

"There's no such thing as fair!" Marlene smirked, as if she was saying oh, really? and pushed James with such brute strength that he fell, taking you with him. 

He caught you before your head could hit the bottom. He lifted you up bridal style and you put your left hand around his neck and moved the other one from your nose to his shoulder. You stayed in his arms, not wanting to let go. You were gazing into each other's eyes, breathing heavily, when it hit you. 

You loved him. 

And he was still with Lily. 

You pulled away from his embrace, breaking the stare. "It's not right - Lily…" you mutter, getting out of the water. 

The others seemed all deeply interested in Remus' book. You could even hear Sirius asking questions about the plot. You turned away; James was still in the pool, in the same place, trying to make out the meaning of what happened. 

It wasn't fair. 

Life wasn't fair. 

<3

stay tuned for the next part and lmk what you think❤️

taglist: @futurewriter2000, @puppycat714, @booksbeforebois, @slytherinquill, @screennamealreadyused, @fific7, @with1love1anu @slytherinwriter618 @angelinathebook @mischiefsemimanaged @remibarnes22 @hxfflxpxffs @approved-by-dentists @hss20052313 @pregnant-piggy @marauderswhisperer @lumoscharlie

[orderuponthe99prettygrimmdiaries]

Road to Recovery 👣

Well, this is gonna be a long ass one. Also, this has been kinda drafted over the past... week? So it’s gonna be a real rollercoaster of a ride. 

Had just binged Lucifer’s new season and was on reddit, looking at comments of redditors yelling at Luci to enjoy whilst he was finding stuff to freak out about. 

Like him, I should have just been in the moment. Appreciated it. Instead of worrying about the next. 

The past week has been.. emotional. Have been getting used to the fact that I might never speak or hear or see him again. Been also trying to focus on the bad to kinda ease the pain. At least it hurts a little less, less crying too. But it’s also like one day you do great, no crying, not much of missing and pain, but then the next, everything creeps in altogether and you fall apart. 

The thing is... why does it hurt so bad? Things had been weird for months. I mean, I was the one who was always preparing myself for him to leave, I was the one who told myself I’d be okay even if we never went on the date. And I guess it just boils back to... expectations. 

I expected him to care more, I didn’t expect that he’d be able to leave just like this. From regular convos to nothing in a week, now almost 2 weeks. I mean, we’ve had breaks. 1 day, 5 days, 10 days... It’s kinda strange if we were actually interested in the other. Maybe he wasn’t much of a texter and wanted to talk when we met. But did we really share much when we met? It’s odd... He doesn’t reply properly to texts, he disappears, he doesn’t really care much at times, but for some reason, I seem to remember the good more. It seemed like he does listen (at times), there were moments when I felt like he cared. A part of me still trusts him or sees the best in him. 

Initially, I was trying to avoid talking about him so I would also stop thinking about him and I could move on. But I think talking about it also helps. Did also google about moving on from crushes, and that is a major point. Maybe I’ll never figure out what really went wrong, but maybe I could still give myself some sorta closure.  Though reminiscing does hurt too. Going back to the place where we met, which is basically my workplace which I’ve to be at almost every day... The memories flooding in about the conversations we had. But it also helps me to acknowledge my feelings and fears, stuff that I suppose I didn’t acknowledge then. Maybe if I had been less afraid and tried harder, especially during the times we were both around considering how hard it was to get our schedules together. He probably thought I wasn��t that interested and moved on. Guys fall fast, but they seem to move on pretty quick too.

Ended up dreaming about him last night... It was really nice. There was a shipment, I didn’t let myself have hope that it would have been him. And he turned around, and it was him. I said hey and touched his arm. I headed off downstairs talking to the other guys, one of them was teasing me for giving him my number. He came down too. We sat there for a bit, and I asked if I could lean on his shoulder, and we ended up hugging too. That was just wonderful, but it’s sad to know it’d never be reality. 

And I guess all those breaks we had throughout the months still gives me the slightest bit of hope that he might return... But now, 2 whole weeks of not speaking. The glimmer of hope fades as each day passes. Maybe, distance is just what we need, I tell myself. 

But now, there’s also a new guy. So I’m guessing the likelihood of seeing him ever again is almost impossible. But is it really so bad if we never spoke or see each other again? Did he even really care? What were we? 

Feels like history is repeating itself, and honestly, after re-reading old posts, maybe it is. Okay, but this time was slightly different. I fought harder. I should be proud that I got his number, or well, convinced him to get mine. I should be proud for initiating those texts, for finally picking up that video call, for asking him out. 

I do wonder at times if it would have been better if I was just honest from the start, that I was interested and I felt there’s something special, different, but not entirely sure what it was. I had friends tell me that I shouldn’t be too emotional about too much, especially at the start. I mean, I did do this the last time, granted they were all online friends, and now we’re still friends. Maybe it’s different being online vs irl. 

Should I continue fighting for him or just let this be another regret/what if? I guess I chose the latter. I was still too afraid to make a move, I was still too afraid to admit my feelings. I wanted to tell him, I wanted to give him the choice. But I was afraid, what if he only says he feels the same because knowing what I felt? I couldn’t take the leap. 

And the more I thought, the less I knew. What did I ever really know about you? What did I like about you? I guess I didn’t listen to myself enough, or to the rational part at least. The closer you look, the less you see. By the time I remember this, it was a little too late... 

I guess I need to stop trying to define everything. Some questions don’t have answers. Some stories won’t get closures. Not all friendships require daily talking. Why aren’t I okay with this? Am I just too attached to everyone? Does my life just basically revolve around people? Who the fuck am I?

I had been looking back at my old posts, all the way back to 2015, the darkest period of my life. I wanted to see what I did then, how did I handle it and pushed myself through. How the heck did I move on? Sure, it took me like... at least 2 years of moping around, then finally actually properly reaching out to get the help I needed. A couple months of counselling, pushing the focus back on myself, on self love and self care.

And all this unravelled within a couple months.

Granted, I think it was already starting to unravel early this year. All these work and personnel changes really fucked things up, with Covid just adding to it. And then comes those unexpected feelings, not knowing how to deal with it, worrying about how I’m gonna fuck it up, and in turn, fucking it up. Also, not giving myself a break when I truly needed it. I was afraid that if I took a break from texting him (okay I wasn’t really obsessively staring at my phone and replying immediately either, but I could have taken a proper break), I might have ended up losing him, and now, I’ve lost myself, I’ve lost him. 

So yep, losing myself... this time, I don’t think I was able to keep it as contained as I did previously. Loss of appetite, exhaustion... I guess at least I don’t exactly sigh as much as I did during the start of the year? But I guess now with Covid and mom at home, she’s noticed the symptoms too. And I guess how I tend to stay cooped in my room, retreat back after meals etc, not really making as much convos with my parents too... Maybe even agitation or irritation as my mom noticed too... 

She thinks it’s more physical, with my abnormal periods and stuff, like maybe I’m anaemic. Oof, and that one day she asked if I was alright because I didn’t seem happy. I literally broke down when I went back to my room. I try so hard to mask it all because I don’t want people to worry, and I want people to still be able to count on me when they need to. Though I’m pretty sure my colleagues noticed too. So I push myself. Sometimes I guess I pretend to be alright, cope with humour as my defence mechanism (self preservation through dissociation, amirite?), but then it comes crashing down the next day or next minute. 

I’m just human. I need to allow myself to feel. I need to embrace that I feel a lot, sometimes a little too much. I shouldn’t hate myself for caring too much, for feeling too much. I need to remember to allow myself to rest, or else this burnt out and exhaustion won’t do me or anyone any good. Yes, I want to be there for others, but sometimes you need to save yourself first. 

I’ve got one life to live, so I gotta live it. Right now it feels like I’m just surviving, otherwise basically floating through time and space. But it’s time to really live. it’s time to stop trying to keep everything under control. Sometimes a mistake is a destiny and sometimes we mess things up for the better. Stop comparing your progress and path to others. 

Recovery isn’t a straight line. You’re gonna feel good and then bad. You’re gonna feel like a bad-ass bitch who needs no one, but then the next you might be crying from the pain of missing him. Sometimes it will just get worse before it gets better. Real growth isn’t linear, it’s a step forward and 20 steps back. You’re gonna be tempted to text him, to hear his voice, to try one more time, but then you also gotta remember all the progress you’ve made. People are hard to forget and change takes time. 

Like Chandler and Joey were nudging Ross to move on from Rachel back in Season 1, maybe your friends had nudged you to move on too. My friends have been. Maybe our happiness just aren’t meant to be with each other. But I would love for you to be happy, even if it’s without me. 

So, I guess imma do a separate post about all the lessons I’ve re-learnt. It was a real headache trying to write this piece already. Thanks to anyone who’s actually taken the time to read this. Take care everyone! 

X

[amwritingmeta]

JiB10

So, last year, for various reasons, I didn’t actually put down my experience of JiB, but are y’all ready to hear all about this year’s experiences and adventures? 

Well, in condensed form. I mean, what is this - LiveJournal? (okay yeah kinda is but no not going into excruciating detail here just the best bits) (the choice cuts, as it were) (watch me go full butcher) (it’ll be entertaining I swear) :P

So, firstly, I’m a panel rat. I fucking love those panels. All the panels. It’s mainly why I get the Angel Pass, because the seats are so good and I’m all about them good seats, yeah? 

I have friends who spend a whole lot of time in line for ops or for autos and I just… can’t… do that. Not when there’s talking happening and answering of questions and just that room being MAGIC, because the entire con feels so inclusive and filled with open-minded like-minded human beings who share in our love of this glorious show.

I started a JiB Log, but figured I’d get too distracted to actually update it regularly, because that’s what last year was like. When you’re not in a panel you’re either walking to grab something quick to eat (have to commend the little smoothie place at the airport, because they did good sandwiches and really good coffee at a reasonable price) or you’re heading to the hotel bar to get absolutely plast-… No, actually didn’t do that this year, so correction: or you’re heading to the hotel bar to see who’s there and catch up with people who have been to their ops and are still shaking with excitement. 

(you can also comment on the wonderful imagination of strangers in the ladies’ room when you see them shaking with excitement and are dressed up in bridal gowns) (okay there was one lovely dressed up as a bride so maybe plural is the wrong way to go but the sentiment holds true) (JiBers - you are so fucking awesome and I LOVE YOU ALL)

Okay, so wanna know the most basic things I’ve learned about how to JiB? I mean… if you don’t, then stop reading, I guess, because imma tell ya. #fairwarning

Bring Snacks (you won’t regret it) 

Bring Alcohol (you won’t regret it)

Good Footwear (you won’t regret it)

Clothes For Every Occasion (you may regret it if you overpack) (don’t overpack) (Google “packing tutorial by Jensen Ackles”) (worth it)

Choose Wisely (just general solid advice) (I mean, get your priorities straight) (panel rat or up close and personal kitty cat) (or both) (sidenote: I take it choosing to be both is quite stressful) (make sure that your stress sensors are up and that you don’t overdo it) (switching between rat and cat is bound to be internally messy) (okay that actually came out as not haha solid but actual solid advice so yeah) (be prepared that doing both is difficult!) (and having lots of ops and wanting to do all autos means probably missing a whole lot of panels for standing in line and waiting) (even the solo panels with the main players or - and I will question your sanity - the joint panels that close the weekend) (well not the very final panel) (nobody missed the J2M panel because all ops and autos had closed by then) (but yes prioritise wisely)

Be Open (because, no matter what, you are bound to meet someone you click with at this event) (most people) (actually every stranger I gave a throwaway comment to) (were so chill and happy to have a brief chat or share a moment with me) (so even if you’re traveling by yourself you are bound to feel embraced) *jazz hands rome magic*

Pinches of Salt (take everything you see and hear with healthy pinches of salt) (I briefly forgot about this on Monday morning and oh boy I could’ve saved myself a world of stupidity if I’d only remembered it yeah?)

MNC (get your sweet ass to the Monday Night Concert because both my years of JiBing it has been mind-blowing) (this year was better than last year honestly) (which I did not think could happen) (they are the bee’s bees and the bear’s bear) *throws all the love at them*

When it comes to impressions and memories made this particular trip, I feel like the whole week has been one long run of blessings. Sincerely, it’s been - oh what’s the word again? --> MAGIC. 

I’m not going to go through all the boring personal moments of Holy Fuck *jazz hands rome magic* but I will just say that I think I stepped out of passport control with the widest smile, and it barely left my face for the entire weekend. The panels were wonderful this year. I’m still on a high. No, seriously. It’s almost a week later and I haven’t been hit by the JiB blues yet, and perhaps I won’t this year.

*prays I land a pass for next year* *GAH* *the nail-biting begins*

Confession time? (…when in Rome)

Confession 1 — I have such a crush on Rob. I mean, I’ve had it for years, but time to make it official, I guess. He just seems like the sweetest, loveliest human being and watching him sing is like… watching the stars light in the sky. He is such an amazing singer and performer. He made me cry. He sang Fare Thee Well and he made me cry at the Monday Night Concert. 

*no I was NOT drunk* *though damn that G&T was strong* *oh btw the drinks in Rome are amazing and worth the money because extra alcoholic* *like damnnnnn* *just as an aside* *but also bring your own bourboun* *winks at @waywardliliana* *sup gurl?* *winks again* *winks some more* *can’t stop now* *licks lips* *yeah I know* *uncomfortable?* *licks lipssss againnnnn* *okay stopping now* *….or am I…….?*

:P

Confession 2 — The panel-watching truly is a huge amount of fun. This year there were a lot of things said that made me want to jump up and down in my seat, because it gives me a lot of hope for season fifteen and Jensen provided most of it on the Saturday, and then Jared was pretty much agreeing with Jensen’s assessments of how the brothers’ journeys should end on the Sunday, and I was like GAH! *happy* And then Misha throws in his belief that there needs to be a sacrifice and tragedy and we all went NO! Also his fear that this family of ours will disperse and we all went NOOO! :) Anyway, these are all stated observations, but the confession is this:

As much as I love spending time in a space that is occupied by some of my favourite human beings on this planet (oh but they are), what makes JiB so truly, deeply, personally special is meeting up with friends who otherwise live too far away to see on the regular. All of us convening in this one place to share in this one great love is like electricity through your veins. It’s like… well, it’s like going to a place of worship, and I think you know what I mean. When you’re in a room with a group of peope who’s energy jives with yours, then your energies align, and resonate, and then — MAGIC.

It’s magical. It’s fucking magical. *jazz hands*

Shoutout to everyone I managed to see this year who have not yet been lip-licked at in this post (or real life), whether it was much too brief (so many of you were much too brief) or whether we spent quality time, seeing you all really made the trip sparkle: 

@captainhaterade - who made such a fantastic and impromptu seat mate - thank you, Emily, for having me next to you for most of the weekend! :D 

@eriquin - Meghan, it was so lovely to meet you and I’m thrilled you and Emily both enjoyed your first con, very happy I got to be a part of it! :)

@trickster-angel - my dear Chiara, it took us a few tries, but we finally got to sit down in the Corner (if you get to go next year then I think this may be where we’re all just convene from now on) (*suggestion*) *nobody puts us in a corner except us!* :P So good to meet you!

@inacatastrophicmind - Mara! We met much, much too briefly, but I’m so, so glad we did! See you around tumblr, my friend, and hopefully at JiB11! :)

@misskittyspuffy - aw man, Aurelie, we kept missing each other and I really wanted to sit down and have a proper lunch or dinner, but at least you and--

@assbuttboyfriends - hey, Claire, my dear, at least you and Aurelie aren’t that far away, right? Come visit me in London, I tell ya! :D Otherwise, proper plan-making for next year. xx

@bold-sartorial-statement - a brief hello was still a good hello! Hope you enjoyed the con! xx

@jenmdixon - it was good to say hello to you, my dear, and really hope you enjoyed the con (and didn’t die under those lights because it got HOT) (no wonder the actors are fan-addicts) :) xx

@purgatory-jar - Elena, it was, as ever, fantastic to see you and I’m stoked I got to have a proper lunch with you this time around. You have always been and will always be one of my absolute favourite artists in this fandom and, by extension, anywhere. Already a star, girl!

Shoutout to @northern-sparrow - I was sorry that I missed you at the bar, but there’s always next year. Hope you enjoyed the con and thanks for asking The Perfect Question. :D xx

Finally, @godshipsit​ -- Alessia, my friend, you are this calm, welcoming, very dear part of Rome and JiB for me (last year you supported me so much just by being there) and you are simply brilliant! *all the prettiest flowers at your door*

And to my two felines who are tumblring, but not very often: Laura and Steph, you wonderfuls! Thanks for all the laughs!!

*I now proceed to throw love at you all*

Confession 3 — I have a Favourite Moose. Nope, it’s not who you think it is. (girl, I almost put the hashtag on here but in the current climate) (I think I’d just better not) (especially since I wanna tag you) (hey, Moose!) (hey @natmoose!) (yes you!) (Nat-Blue!) :) #theconversationalists 

Now, the highlights from this years con are too numerous for me to write them all down, really, but here’s a taster:

Ricky Whittle (the man is a genius comedian)

Rob talking about how his fandom experience has changed since he, for the first time, is seeing comments like “I hate your face” (the way he says “I hate your face”) (*giggle*) (also it’s such a question of tone because most of those “I hate your face”s are probably said with loads of love) (because Chuck going ultimate big bad toxic masculinity representative is fucking BRILLIANT) *love to hate his face* 

Matt telling the airplane story

Alex reenacting different parts of the airplane story

Alex choosing Jasmine from Aladdin to put a spin on and making the twist that he’ll rob the wishes from Aladdin like -->

Alex: *sings* I can show you the world *interrupts* I’m just like yo, just give me these wishes. Don’t mess with me. How about this? I’ll show myself the world, okay?

I really, really very much like Alexander Calvert, okay?

Briana being distracted by herself on the stage monitor (she’s gorgeous and she knows it and is also open about how it costs her a lot of money and time and effort and how that’s not for everyone and real beauty runs so much deeper) (which is why she is the most gorgeous woman)

Jared telling us all to shut up during his Sunday morning solo panel (and basically all of his time on stage, but especially this half an hour of stage time, because my GOD he was in such a good mood)

Misha

Jensen going off on a minor rant about Game of Thrones S08E05 because yesssss

Jared doing that jump-and-a-skip at his panel with Misha

Jared’s panel with Misha

Jensen telling Misha he loves him and them hugging, only for Jensen to turn it into a joke and pretty effectively demonstrating how this is how they interact and they don’t mean anything by taking the piss out of each other because yesssss

sincerely, all the solo panels (especially Jensen’s, because he’s so sincere and open and honest about how seriously he takes his work and it’s gorgeous and inspiring and always has been and always will be and)

I mean, Jensen lying flat on his back on that stage and Misha saying You Sexy Bitch is very, very, very… overt. I side-eye. But with a whole lot of appreciation for the balls on those two. I’d venture that they know exactly what they’re doing, and I’ll forever wonder what the percentage is between performative and spur-of-the-moment. Sometimes I think you can tell, but… oh, they know what we like. Usually. :)

Jared bringing the dirty. I just love his filthy mind.

All of their filthy minds tbh. 

Singing Carry On My Wayward Son in the hallway after the final panel is just… one of the best parts, and this year they all came out and high fived and gave hugs and… it was special 

The Monday Night Concert surpassed last year’s and went on for nearly two hours and was deeply moving for many reasons and I wish to the good Heavens (…okay you know what I mean) that Jensen and Briana will record Shallow because I think their version beat the original (damn Briana’s voice is just… damn!) (and I can’t talk about Jensen singing please don’t make me talk about it) (…) (thank you)

Also Richard Speight Jr because Richard Speight Jr!!

Also just Jason Manns because Jason Manns!!

And The Four Cheese!!

See, there’s just tOO MuCH STuFF

<3

And now it’s over and I’m still hopped up on the adrenaline and the happiness and Jensen talking about spreading happiness (I believe it was either during the opening panel with he and Jared on the Saturday or his solo panel later that afternoon) made me feel light as a feather, because he’s right. A healthy dose of real happiness builds you up from the inside out and makes you believe you’re worth it. All of it, yeah? And that, whatever comes your way, you can handle it. Oh, it can be a struggle, but if you only dare to be open, then good things, my peeps. 

Good things do happen.

I hope to see you next year!!

[disconnxctedd]

I have you. G.D. (E.D.)

word count: 4000

I have been dancing for the past few years now and ever since I moved to LA I’ve been going to the new dance club I joined and I am actually really enjoying it. The girls are so extremely nice and talented and we seem to work really well together. I usually go two times a week but sometimes if the girls call we’d arrange a third class just because we love it so much. And you don’t even know what the best part of the whole story is... At least once a week I get to lead the class and choreograph many of the pieces.

Not only that, but life in LA has been great for a few other reasons as well. I came here a year and a couple of months ago because of the dance classes. One night after practice me and the girls went to get some drinks and that’s where I met Grayson Bailey Dolan, who I’ve been with for almost a year now. Actually, two months in and I moved to his and his brother Ethan’ place and I know you are going to say that things are moving quite quickly but everything really seems to work out between us. I love these guys so much with all my heart and I’ve known them for only a year now. Crazy I know.

Grayson and I basically behave the same, he is my male version and I am his female one. That’s how good we work. 

Ethan, on the other hand, is a whole another situation. He is like the big brother I never had and even though we are quite different, we both are stupid goofballs and became the bestest of friends the first ten minutes we got to have a conversation with each other. I always preferred hanging out with guys anyway.

So, you can only imagine what living with two of your best friends, one of them being your absolute soulmate, and working your dream job with so much spare time in an amazing city, is like. Oustanding. That’s what it is.

I woke up really early today because we have a competition with the girls soon and we have been practising 5 times a week, sometimes even throughout the whole day with almost no breaks. You can say I’ve been dancing my ass off and it has been showing. I've lost a few pounds and I haven’t seen the guys properly and hung out with them for almost two weeks now. When I left the house in the morning they were both sleeping, even Grayson wasn’t up for his morning workout, that’s how early it was.. I rub the sleep out of my eyes as we are waiting for the waiter to bring our lunch and God bless we decided to get a lunch break because otherwise I most definitely would have passed out. I am drained. I know I am but I can’t do anything about it until the competition is over. I know hard work pays off and I am thankful for the guys for being so understanding and that they are helping me so much after work. Gray usually makes dinner for the three of us and Ethan has been driving and picking me up from the studio for a couple of days now because my car is getting fixed right now. Great timing, I know, but at least I am supposed to pick it up later today.

We finish lunch and get back to the studio for two more hours of practicing. After the two hours are up, I say bye to the girls and am putting on my hoodie as I am hopping hurriedly down the stairs of the building because it seems like a storm is coming soon and I really am not in the mood to walk in the rain, without an umbrella, to pick up my car. Again, great timing, LA, I love you.

I bump into a few people because I am keeping my hooded head down as much as possible, since the storm has seemingly already started by the looks of it. Awful wind is blowing and the temperature dropped with a few degrees, the past ten minutes that I have been walking. After a few more I reach the shop and am met by tired smiles, I grab my keys from one of the guys in the office and hop in the Audi. I’ve really missed driving this baby. I start the engine and check my phone, answer the only text I have (Grayson asking when I am coming home for dinner) before backing out of the garage. All I have is 18% left because I used it too much in class today but they should be enough for the GPS to take me home. Yes, I still use it almost everywhere I go because, well, it’s fucking ginormous LA and let’s be real a few months are most definitely not enough to learn my way around.

I am already on the highway when the pouring rain starts. Just after a minute or two I can’t really see anything and the streets are covered in at least a few inches of water. I slowed down a bit and kept driving but after a few I just couldn’t keep going on - the rain was just too heavy. I kind of sprained my ankle today and it should be fine with some rest tonight but it just hurt too much to keep it on the accelerator. I am tired and scared of this weather and I really don’t know what to do. As much as I don’t want to admit it - I need help. I am a mess, this weather is a mess and I just pull over and put on my hazard lights. Thunders keep thumping and lightnings lighting up the already dark sky and I honestly, really am scared. I am calling Grayson. I grab my phone and the stupid thing is already on 5% and I am about to cry. Gray doesn’t pick up because his dumb ass is probably making me dinner that I don’t deserve so I try Ethan. E picks up on the first ring because the bastard was probably on his phone as always..

“Hey, where are you? Dinner is almost ready.“

“Listen, have you seen the weather outside?“

“Yes, are you driving right now? I don’t want you driving in this awful rain! Where the hell are you??“

“E, shut up. I pulled over on the highway, my battery is on 4% and my phone is about to die in the next few minutes and I am scared as shit. Plus, to top it all off I did something to my ankle at practice today, I can’t drive because it hurts like shit and honestly I don’t want to cause -“

“Wait, shut up, you are telling me you are in the middle of the road, you can’t drive, your phone is about to die and ... omg don’t cry, please, we are coming to get you, okay??”

“E, I am fucking scared, how are you gonna find me, I don’t even know where I am..“

“GRAYSON PUT ON SOME SHOES AND GET YOUR KEYS NOW!!!

WHY?” - I hear Gray’s voice from downstairs - “Listen, just hold on we are coming, okay??? Hang up, don’t use your phone, Imma call you in two so I find out where you are.”

“Thank you.“

“Just hold on, we’ll be there asap.“ and he hangs up.

Honestly, what am I going to do without these two. I am starting to panic, the rain doesn’t seem to be stopping or even slowing down, my foot starts to hurt even more, I am cold because I turned off the car and I don’t know how they are going to find me because I DON’T KNOW WHERE I AM.....

I wipe a couple of tears off my face just as my phone goess off. I see Grayson’s face on my screen and there’s warmth spreading inside of me again for a split second before I see that my battery has went down to 3% now. I pick up and I see Gray’s face, his gaze changing from me to the road and I knew he was driving before I even picked up the phone.

“Baby, are you alright?? I’m coming, please don’t panic, I am so sorry I didn’t pick up at first, I am such an asshole, I -“

“Grayson, shut the fuck up.“ - Ethan interrupts him and what seems like snatches the phone out of his hand.

“Sissy, listen.” - E calls me that since day one and it’s cheesy but I love it and honestly I needed to hear it right now.

“ETHAN GIVE ME THE FUCKING PHONE!!!”

“I told you to shut up and stop screaming, you are not making things any better. And keep your damn eyes on the road for fuck’s sake!“ E turns to me then and his face softens a bit “I am sorry”.

I try to swallow the lump that’s been forming in my throat.

“Listen, my phone is about to die any second. I don’t know where the fuck I am. Ethan, I am going to share my location in our chat with Gray and as soon as I do screenshot the map because if my phone dies before that I don’t know-“

“Okay, I got it, go!“ I go back to the chat and my finger hovers over the location button.

“Ready?”

“GO!!” Ethan better take the screenshot or else I am going to die here. 1%. “I got it!! You can stop it now.“

“ETHAN GIVE ME THE PHONE” Grayson shouts and in a second I see his face fill up my screen again. “Babe, I am coming. I love you, please hold on, I love you!“

“I love you Gray, please hu-” I am already sobbing as I am saying that and my phone cuts me off midsentence by dying. I hit the steering wheel a couple of times and then fold my hands over it and start crying even harder. They are not going to find me soon. I know it. I will just fucking die out here and I am scared. I am so damn scared..

Grayson’s POV

“IT’S DEAD, E. HER PHONE FUCKING DIED. TELL ME YOU GOT THE SCREENSHOT, TELL ME WE ARE GOING TO FIND HER!! SHE’S SCARED AND I PROMISED HER AND -“

“GRAYSON STOP FUCKING SHOUTING!! I AM CONCERNED, TOO, OKAY??? I have the screenshot, I already airdropped it to my phone before you snatched yours out of my hand WHILE DRIVING!! I know you are concerned and believe me, I understand, she’s my little sister, I love her, too, but let me do my thing and focus on finding her, deal?“

He is right. “Yeah, just hurry up, please?! I am sorry, I just hate the thought of her sitting alone there in the rain..”

”I know, bro. OKAY, I HAVE IT!! Take the next exit and then get on the A3 highway, we should see the Audi in a few miles. I hope she has her hazards on.”

“She will, she’s not dumb.“ I accelerate after I swerve and get on the A3.

“Let’s not get us killed before we reach her, huh?”

“I’m just trying to get there faster, shut up.”

“You should have let ME drive, you are in no condition to be doing that now.“

“Ethan, don’t even get me started, the car’s mine and that’s my girl THAT’S WAITING TO BE RESCUED AND I AM STILL NOT THERE!!!“

“Can you please stop shouting for the millionth time, I told you- THERE! GRAYSON, RIGHT IN FRONT!!“

I press on the brakes and already have my hazards on as I am pulling up behind the camouflage green Audi.

“Get in the driver’s seat, I’ll drive the Audi. We might need to go to the hospital first, so just follow me, okay?”

“Just make sure she’s alright first.” Ethan looks me seriously in the eyes and I grab my phone from the dashboard and head outside in the pouring rain. I reach the driver’s door and my baby looks up at me startled. I motion for her to move over to the passenger seat and I get in. I quickly remove my t-shirt, throw it on the backseat and I turn to her. She still has tears streaming down her face, her eyes are red and puffy and as soon as I turn to her she wraps her hands around my neck and starts sobbing harder into my chest. 

“Thank you, thank you, thank you!“

“Shush, I am here, don’t worry. I love you.” She looks up after I say the last thing and presses her lips against mine. Hers are chapped from all the crying and her biting into them, because I know she always does it when she is scared or anxious. I pull back and wipe her cheeks with my thumbs. “Tell me you are okay.“

“I am, I am just scared.”

“I am here, okay? Everything’s fine.” I kiss her again.

“Where’s Ethan?”

“He’s gonna drive the Porsche. You’ll see him when we get to the hospital.”

“Babe, I don’t need a hospital, I really want to get home right now. Please?”

“I am not asking. We are going.”

“Grayson, please, I’m fine.” 

“I am not letting you go home with a chance of a fucked up foot when your competition is literally next week. You didn’t work your ass off and I did not get to not see you for the past week and something for nothing.”

She just looks at me silently for a few seconds and then kisses me again.

“I don’t know what I will do without you. Tha-”

“You never need to thank me. I love you. I’ll fucking burn the world if I have to for you. Understood?”

“I love you. Now drive, Ethan’s probably already wondering what’s happening and I want to get home sooner than later. Give me your phone.” She takes it and I am sure she’s calling Ethan. I put the car into first gear and put on my blinker before joining the lane. Not only am I thankful because I found my soulmate, I am also thankful Ethan found a best friend that’s not me and they are the same person. I can’t thank God enough.

My POV 

“E?”

“Are you okay?????” I can hear Ethan’s concern in his voice.

“I am, Grayson made me go to the hospital, so that’s where we are going, just wanted you to know.”

“I already know.” E smiles a knowing smile. “Do you think he was going to bring you home in this state, without getting sure you were a 100% fine? And even if he did have such intentions, I wouldn’t let him and we all know that.” he laughs and then Grayson follows shortly.

“I just love you guys. Tha-”

“Don’t you dare thank me or Grayson.” Ethan’s glance falls on me for a second before going back on the road.

I groan.

“I’ll see you at the hospital, alright? Drive safely!”

“Alright, love you, sissy.” and he hangs up before I can say anything else.

I look at Gray and a huge smile starts to spread on his still worried face.

”What are you smiling about, I thought you were worried about me?” I laugh.

“I am just happy that the two most important people in my life are really a family and it shows. I just love it.” He turns to me for a second and then back to the road. His hand reaches over and squeezes my thigh before finding mine and intertwining fingers with my own.

Almost 20 minutes later we manage to reach the closest hospital and Grayson turns off the engine. He gets out of the car, not bothering to put on his already soaked t-shirt and jogs to the other side of the car, opens up the door to the passenger door and before I know I am in his arms and he is closing the door with his leg. He locks the car, already walking towards the entrance and I see Ethan driving in the parking lot before the doors of the emergency block the view. Grayson's douche bag car can be seen everywhere, I swear. I still like it, though, not gonna lie. Gray puts me down to sit on one of the chairs in the waiting room and goes in to talk to someone that can see my foot. While he is inside, E comes along and squats in front of me.

"I know I am prolly gonna annoy you by asking for the thousandth time but tell me you are okay, please.."

"I am fine, E." I smile and he smiles back. Then the doors open and I see Grayson coming through them and I try to stand up, limping on one leg. Ethan has one of his hands around my waist, helping me walk but as soon as Grayson reaches us he shakes his head and he throws me over his shoulder and then brings me inside the cabinet. He sits me on the bed and steps back to let the doctor examine my ankle. As soon as he says that I just overburdened it and it should be fine after a day of resting, I hear both boys letting out a heavy sigh. I guess I wasn't the only one concerned about me taking part in that competition next week. I thank the doctor and Grayson goes to the secretary to sign a few documents. Ethan picks me up and starts walking out. He lingers in front of the door waiting for Grayson to open it so he doesn't hurt me accidentally. Gray turns around seconds later and when he finds out that I am not on the bed and, in fact, in Ethan's arms, he huffs and his brother sticks his tongue out at him. They can be such kids sometimes. Grayson opens the door and as soon as we are out in the hall he starts arguing with Ethan that he should be the one bringing me to the car.

"Can you just open the fucking doors and not be a dick about it?" Ethan asks and I start giggling. He walks to the car and plops me down on the passenger seat after Grayson opens the door. He then kisses me on the forehead and jogs back to the Porsche.

"Careful with my baby, you dickhead!" Gray shouts at his brother.

"She is my sister, shut up!!" Ethan shouts back.

"I was talking about the car. Drive carefully and I'll meet you at the house!" Grayson replies and then climbs in the driver's seat and starts the car.

"I thought I was your baby..?" I say, holding back my laughter.

"You are, babe, what are you talking about? Grayson looks at me confused.

"You said 'Careful with my baby' and you were talking about the Porsche and I am sitting here with my hurt leg. I am kind of offended." I start laughing now. Grayson just looks at me kind of guiltily and shakes his head.

"You know what I love the most in this world. Who actually. Shut it now." he smiles as he drives out of the parking lot.

After a few we are back to the house, the blue beast already parked in front and Ethan nowhere to be seen, probably trying to dry off inside. Grayson brings me to the house in his arms again and by the time we reach the bathroom we both are already soaking wet and I don’t even know why we are going to shower anymore. Grayson lets me shower first, saying he will heat up the surely already cold dinner while waiting for me to be ready and asks about nine hundred times if I’ll be fine by myself. I finally manage to send him off, I strip down and wrap myself in my robe but as I try to stand up from the bed I wobble and eventually flop down on my bum, my ankle thumping with pain from me putting pressure on it. I huff and try to stand up and as I do I hear Ethan walking down the hallway and before I know it he is picking me up. He is still laughing at me when I flip him off and he exits the bathroom after he left me sitting on the edge of the bath. I take a quick shower and hop to the bed on one leg, which, let me tell you, hurts like hell. I get myself dressed while sitting down on the bed and I don’t know which one of the twins left a pile of fresh clothes for me there but I am so thankful you can’t even imagine. I text Grayson if he can come and pick me up and I swear not even 10 seconds have passed and I can already hear his legs thumping up the stairs coming to get me. He gives me a piggy back ride to the kitchen and sets me down on one of the chairs around the kitchen island, right opposite of Ethan. Dinner is already served and looks so good, I don’t know why E keeps saying Grayson can’t cook. The boy is a low-key chef.

“You didn’t have to make dinner yet again, I was gonna come back on time today.“

“Babe, you’ve been working your ass of, the least I can do is make dinner.“

”Can this competition already be over, so you start cooking again and I won't be afraid that I'll get a food poisoning because of Grayson?” Ethan turns to me with a pouty face.

“Oh come on, E, give the man a break, he is trying.” I say and I caress Gray’s cheek. “Me and Ethan thank you, babe.”

“Yeah, it doesn’t seem like it.”

“Next time, just leave him starving.”

Ethan makes a pouty face for the second time in a single minute and I start laughing again. After we finish, I just sit there and watch the guys wash and dry off the dishes before Grayson picks me up again and brings me upstairs with Ethan following behind and I ask Gray to stop in front of the door.

“Hey, E?”

“Huh?”

“Thank you.”

“For what?”

“Because I have you. Both. Thank you.”

“We both told you, no need for thank yous.” Ethan smiles at me and turns to enter his room. “Good night love birds.”

“Good night, E.” Me and Grayson say in unison and he enters the room with me in his arms still. He lays me on the bed and covers me with the duvet before turning the lights off and going in the bathroom to take a shower. After a few short minutes of me staring through the window in the dark, I hear him turn the water off and come back into the bedroom. He tiptoes around the room, putting on underwear and then slips under the covers next to me.

“I am not asleep, I can’t fall asleep without you.” as soon as he hears that, his arm wraps around me and his head snuggles my neck. I don’t need duvets right now, all I need is Grayson’s arms around me and his body heat.

“I am here now.” his sleepy voice whispers in my ear.

“I have you and there’s no better thought to fall asleep with.”

Grayson makes me turn to him with his finger gently pushing my face to the side and kisses me for a few seconds.

“I love you.”

“More than you can even imagine.”

And just like that the nightmare that was today never happened as long as I am falling asleep in his arms.

[illfoandillfie]

for the queen asks, whatever asks you haven’t done yet 💓💖💕 hope you have a great rest of your week dear xx

okay thank you! i hope you have a great rest of the week too 😙

(this got a little long - so many questions! - so I’ve put it under a cut

1. Favorite Member of the band?

I love them all very much but it’s Rog, hes My Boy

2. Favorite album?

I think it’s A Day At The Races or Queen II or The Works lmao

3. Least Favorite album?

ummmmm Jazz I think or maybe Innuendo (they’re certainly the ones i listen to least)

5. Least Favorite song(s)?

oh shit umm

don’t try suicide

bijou

mother love

in only seven days

(and lowkey under pressure)

6. Favorite era?

of fuck ummm NOTW maybe?

7. Favorite Freddie Mercury outfit?

FUCK this is so hard!!! I think I HAVE to go with this one:

the cat vest is fucking iconic and I absolutely want one of my own

8. Favorite Brian May outfit?

okay i took forever to pick but I don’t think I can go past this fucking outstanding look

so!!! many!!! colours!!! and!!! patterns!!!!

10. Favorite John Deacon outfit?

i thought i knew what i was gonna pick and then in going through my john tag i changed my mind like 5 times but i think i’ve landed on this:

i adore the whole monochromatic thing!

15. Favorite single picture of each band member?

Freddie: 

(so fucking cute im gonna scream)

Bri: 

(the hair alone!!! but also the pointy teef!)

Deaky:

(ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh cutie!!)

Rog:

(imma be real with you chief my fave rog photo changes daily but this is my phone lockscreen atm. lowkey almost chose the one of him with his guitar and his kid on his lap caugh fuck that makes me clucky as hell)

16. Favorite Music Video?

i think Radio Gaga might be my fave

20. Are you excited for Bohemian Rhapsody?

honestly, wasn’t like hugely pumped for it but i did want to see it and then i did and it was like oh shit!!! fuckin queen man how didnt i get into them sooner lmao

21. Are you listening to Queen right now?

not at this very second (im watching travels with my father lmao)

22. What was the last Queen song you heard in general?

ummm I think it was Flash Gordon lmao because a queen documentary came on TV and it opened with flash

23. Has anything Queen related happened in School or at work?

I don’t think so, no, but i work in a library so I’m not expecting it to lmao

24. Do you have any IRL friends who are big Queen fans?

my cousin is pretty big into them too but otherwise not really

25. Who introduced Queen to you?

im not really sure, just the radio in general i guess lmao like i feel like i’ve known they’re well known stuff since before i can remember? but like i only got INTO queen after i saw borhap so maybe the borhap boys should get that credit lmao

26. Funniest Queen song?

oh shit! ummm maybe Delilah? just the whole concept is wonderful but then the way the guitar sounds like a cat fuck me thats good

27. Which song do you listen to just for that part?

long away, seaside rendezvous, leaving home aint easy, 

28. Have you ever seen Queen live?

no but ask me again after they’re brissie show in feb next year and i’ll have a different answer

31. Have you recommended Queen to anyone?

not officially but like, I’m always playing their stuff whenever people give me the aux cord

32. When did you discover Queen?

already sort of answered this but, i got into them fully after seeing borhap

33. Favorite Fan art? (make sure to give credit to the original creator!)

oh man theres so much good stuff out there! My mind automatically went to THIS wonderful piece by @fledgelingsart which I am completely in love with and blown away by every time i see it

34. If you could go back in time and meet one member of the band, who would you choose?

I mean......Rog......

35. Do you like Jimercury?

I love!!!

37. Black Nail polish for Freddie or White Nail polish for Brian?

can i have one on each hand?

39. But how do you really feel about ‘im in love with my car’ ?

I unironically love it and I fully expect to cry when I see rog sing it live

40. What song really hits you right in the feels?

a few but the show must go on is a big one, and also ‘39

[i-want-to-be-manhandled]

more trans ramblings (tramblings?) - to T or not to T, that is the question

so i’m writing this so i have some thoughts to show my therapist next week instead of scouring my brain for them but im posting it on the internet instead of keeping it in a word document or some shit cause i need some of y’all to relate and i’m already way too personal on here anyways. and also at this point this is my personal blog too, i’ve given up entirely on keeping it just for video games. tl;dr: please tell me i am not the only one with stupid amounts of doubt going against the stupid amounts of evidence that i am very transgender. 

tw: long post, doubts, testosterone/hrt effects discussed in detail, (don’t read this if you know me irl and haven’t personally talked with me about being trans? otherwise go ahead), nsfw cause we’re talking about genitals but mostly towards the end of the second to last paragraph (i’ll strike the nsfw stuff), mention of rape but no discussion of it happening, lemme know if i missed anything

so as my last transpost said im very excited for my hysto that im nowhere near getting but im flip-flopping as to whether or not i want to go on t. i know i can get it fairly quickly if i decide i do want it. there’s a trans health clinic in walking distance from where i am moving in 23 days, i have 3 therapists who will write me a letter of recommendation for testosterone, and my mother even found me the trans health clinic so she’ll try to find me somewhere else to go if they don’t take me in for some reason. (having a supportive mom is great i don’t miss her crying about how hard it is to have a trans kid in january and february.) and i’ve looked thoroughly at the effects of testosterone and have sorted them into pros, neutrals, and cons. (posting it here again mostly bc i need to do it but i also need some of yall to relate and/or validate me and/or answer my weird questions)

pros:

voice drop. im so tired of having a squeaky voice which is exacerbated by me always being anxious, and my sister has a deeper voice than me and always tries to sing ridiculously low parts to stretch it for some reason which makes me feel insecure. and apparently my voice is “always squeaky” according to my dad and like? shit man i pass until i talk that’s just the tea. 

i dont even care if i have a super deep voice, i actually think i’d rather be a solid tenor because that’s the vocal range of most of my favorite songs, but i want to sound like a man when i talk and not an 8 year old girl

side note apparently a lot of trans guys have male “internal voices” but mine just sounds like how i sound when i talk because i’m a very literal person and that’s why it took me forever to figure out i was trans and not having a male internal voice makes me dysphoric sometimes and even doubt that i’m trans at all... that’s dumb af i know it’s just my literal personality type not me actually being a girl

more muscle. i dont work out as it is right now but if i knew i’d see results the way i want them then i probably would. also im getting ripped during the school year anyways bc i walk everywhere with a 15-20 pound backpack strapped to me so i’m at least gonna look semi muscular which is what i want anyways. please give me strength quite literally i can barely lift bro

bottom growth. ik it’s still not going to be ~enough~ or whatever but i’d have... something? that would be nice. 

side note would packers start to be uncomfortable with something there bc i wonder about that sometimes. not that mine is super uncomfortable now or anything (i just haven’t figured out how to make it sit right) but i wonder about that

NO PERIODS NO PERIODS NO PERIODS NO PERIODS NO PERIODS

if im one of those guys whose periods dont stop on t i am actually going to perform a hysto on myself

fat shifting from hips, thighs and butt to my stomach. i don’t care if i have stomach chub or not, but i DO care that my hips are Like That and my things are Really Girly and i have a fucking Girl Butt TM like please just let me Not Have These Problems

having a more angular face. doesn’t happen to everyone per se but because of my facial structure as it is and also what my dad looked like when he was my age, i probably will get this change. i have actively wished for this since i was 13 and didn’t even know dysphoria was a word. hopefully it makes my lips a little thinner too or at least more masculine.

veins becoming more prominent. i have this one pic of me where it looks like i have Guy Arms and i just wanna look like that all the time ya know

lookin like a dude and passing? that counts right

neutrals:

facial hair. i know a lot of trans guys want this but i’ve never wanted one. i just want a jawline to cut a bitch tbh i’m never having more than stubble except the beard imma wear to my high school reunion

body hair. this is more of a pro-neutral ig bc i want it on my arms and legs but would prefer not to have a lot on my chest and stomach. fortunately i dont think my dad has a whole lot but i’m a pretty hairy afab person as it is i just dont wanna be a werewolf lmao

hair loss at temples. i just don’t care about my hairline enough for this to really bother me. maybe i will when it happens but *shrug*

scents of sweat/bo/urine changing? idk i feel like it will be weird, maybe gross if it turns out bad but honestly i don’t really care what i smell like as long as i don’t smell like a dumpster fire? i shower it’s fine lmao

rougher skin? i dont know if i’d like having rougher skin but i also dont like being an uwu soft boi so

acne. nobody wants it but like... i already have stress-acne right now and don’t really give a shit because i hate how my face looks anyways. not that i want a fuckton of acne because nobody does but im not gonna cry myself to sleep over it ya feel? it’s an annoyance but not really a con

cons:

increase in sex drive. not to be nsfw but masturbating is a chore as it is. it hasn’t been fun since i realized i had crippling bottom dysphoria and even then i can’t get off unless i’m completely distracted from my body (either through porn or being too tired to care). also i have like a 2% chance of ever having a partner so i really dont wanna have to deal with having the sex drive of a 12 year old boy when im 19, single, depressed, and dysphoric. im not even asexual but this is the worst con

emotional changes. yall know at this point i dont have the best temper, and i dont want t to exacerbate that. now, some of my friends have said that t has made them much calmer and actually less irritable, but the rest of my friends said t makes them angry. i have poor anger management and i know it. i don’t need it made worse. it’ll fuck my life up for real

increase in appetite. listen i have gastritis, ibs and acid reflux i cannot afford to be needing to eat more than i currently do

so as yall can see i have a fair number of all 3: 8 pros, 6 neutrals, and 3 cons. and what’s more, all of the cons are things that don’t have anything to do with my appearance (which my therapist and i noticed during our session a couple weeks ago and really made me think i should go on t). so then the answer should be clear: i should go on t, right? deal with having a fucked high sex drive and be pissed off because of it but finally be able to see my reflection in the mirror. so it should be obvious. what the hell am i waiting for?

the main reason i’m hesitant is i’m afraid i’ll want to detransition. even though i KNOW it rarely happens and the women who do thought they were trans because of unaddressed traumas relating to being female or have a personality disorder. i have neither of those things: the only female-related trauma i have is being slut shamed by my mom for wearing tank tops and any shirt that wasn’t a crew neck and one guy saying he’d rape me in 9th grade because he thought rape and sex were the same thing (for his sake i hope he’s grown the fuck up!! i’m not traumatized from this i just made my teacher not let him sit next to me in class and told him to stop talking to me. sadly this is the most sexual attention i’ve ever gotten), and the only mental illnesses i have are depression and anxiety (unless we’re counting dysphoria, which i definitely have). i also sometimes feel like i discovered it too late: i didn’t say “i’m not a girl” until i was 14, refused to explore my gender until i was 17, and didn’t fully accept i was trans until i was 18. and other dumb shit: i never tried to pee standing up so im not really trans even though i didn’t know what a penis was until i was like 9, ive caught myself twice recently wishing for longer hair which made me feel feminine and gross and dysphoric (even though i know hair length =/= gender??), and im not in danger of suicide if i don’t get testosterone and top surgery RiGhT nOw. the prospect of me detransitioning isn’t likely, when you look at all the facts, but the prospect makes me anxious because everything makes me anxious. i am the poster boy for anxiety. and yes, i know i would have said that even when i accepted that i was technically the poster girl but i would have said poster boy anyways because it was “gender neutral” and didn’t rub me the wrong way like poster girl would have. same reason i insisted on being a dude instead of dudette and only described myself with words that didn’t have a female equivalent in french class even if it wasn’t true. so what the hell am i waiting for.

like i know i shouldn’t be doubting at this point because it’s so, so obvious that i’m trans. just because i didn’t try to pee standing up when i was little or ask why i didn’t have a penis doesn’t mean i’m not a guy. i logically know this. like when i was 11 and i insisted to myself i had a male brain but knew i shouldn’t say that out loud because that was weird and i wanted to be a normal girl who didn’t have a weird male brain, and when i was 7 and at my friend sarah’s house and her room was super pink and girly and i literally thought the sentence “is this what i’m supposed to be like?” and when i was 14 and cut my hair into the Typical Queer Girl Pixie Cut and my hair was just??? gone like i wanted it to be when i was 9 and ended up with a bowl cut instead, and instead of looking in the mirror and thinking i looked like an owl when i was 9 i smiled at how “androgynous” (masculine) i looked, and when i was 11 and only hung out with boys at summer camp and they treated me like one of them and the girls were really mean to me but it was the best summer i’d ever had, and when i was 15 and my friend chris joked that i was the “guy” in my lesbian relationship and i was so fucking happy, and when i was 15 and starving myself because i loved my “angular” figure and jaw,  and when i was 16 and wearing a dress to winter formal because my ex met me in one and i wanted to be cute for him but i picked the dress that looked like a suit because it looked very “queer” (masculine), and when i was 14 and literally went “hmmm im gonna bind my chest just because i wanna know what it would look like” and it made me so euphoric and i knew in that instant i wasn’t a girl but repressed it for 3+ years because dealing with it would just be too hard, and when i was 11 and knew it was going to be my last day going to school without a bra on and just being so ashamed even though i wanted breasts so i’d be a normal girl, and when i was 16 and wearing that backwards snapback all the time and my friend said it was what tops did and i was so happy that nobody would consider me a bottom or whatever stupid shit because i couldn’t imagine myself being penetrated ever in my cisgender gay life, and when i was 16-17 and scouring the lesbian section of pornhub for pov/strap-on videos bc i wanted to know what it would look like to fuck a girl with a dick without watching straight porn because i’m 100% a gay female because the word lesbian is too girly im not a trans guy or anything haha, and when i was 14-and-onwards wondering why it felt so empty between my legs and why it felt like i was supposed to have a dick lmao im totally a girl though haha, and when i was 15 and had to google how to masturbate bc i couldn’t figure it out naturally and still felt like i was doing it wrong, and when i was 15 and looked at my vagina in the pocket mirror i got from selling like 30 boxes of girl scout cookies in 2007 and my first thought was “that is not my body,” and when i was 16 and actually very upset that i couldn’t ejaculate when i orgasmed. trans who? what the fucking hell am i waiting for

seriously. i was 7 and looking at my 2nd grade yearbook photo thinking “that doesn’t look like me,” and i was 13 and looking in the mirror saying “that doesn’t look like me,” and i went through all of my adolescence waiting for “puberty to turn me into a girl” and then i was 17 and done with puberty and crying because my body was still wrong. i can’t believe how hard i tried throughout my whole adolescence to be some facet of “normal girl” so i wouldn’t get bullied and be dateless forever and thinking “puberty hasn’t turned me into a girl yet” and not stopping to think about what i was if i wasn’t a girl until puberty was done, i realized it wasn’t going to happen, and it was too damn late for me. now i’m 19 and don’t leave the house without either a binder or a sports bra/baggy layers combo and i’d wear my packer everywhere if i could figure out how to get it to sit right (and also get it past my parents lmao).  like if anyone else rattled off that list of trans shit i wouldn’t question them for a second. but because it’s me and i’m like “what if i’m transwashing my memories? what if i’m gaslighting myself?” i’m still not on testosterone and please validate me. tell me other trans people doubt themselves, no matter how obvious it is that they’re trans. tell me it’s okay to doubt hrt, even though you know it will be so much more likely to help you. tell me it’s okay to be afraid of detransitioning, even though it’s okay if i DO decide to detransition and it’s so unlikely anyways considering all the evidence of Me Not Being A Fucking Girl.

if you read this all the way to the end here’s an awkward hug and some brain bleach im not even drunk or high i can’t even blame substances for this behavior 

[ts-seychelles]

EP. 3 - “I Want To Work With Someone Who I Don’t Have To Push A Narrative Toward” - ALEX

So to recap what in the fuck just happened. I was able to get Frankie out because no one had the balls to throw a name out, so I was like Fuck it throw the person that hasn't talked to me much under the bus. Turns out it was the right choice because like Alison he was stuck in a palm tree and couldn't vote. Then as my Low key alliance predicted, we would have a swap at 18, way to be original hosts you did this on another season you hosted. However I didn't get swapped fucked as I originally thought, since I thought it was just me and JG however Jared popped up and now our tribe is 3-3. Now Operation Kiss Ass is ago because I have three brand new tribe members to suck up to so we can have a majority vote, or at least I can have a majority if they want to pull cross tribal thing. But on the bright side I wasn't voted out 18th, I wasn't second voted out on my original tribe, and I made a swap so I improved so much already compared to flops yay!

So the first round we voted out a inactive and then I got sent to ghost island. I am really close to Drake and Jared and with this swap we have now solidified and have a split majority where all we might need is just 1 ... I know of Aysa and I know alex pretty well so we shall see what will happen

Getting swap fucked is my kink. It happens in almost every game I play. It’s such a cute look. 

My tribe seems...nice? I know Roxy, Johnny, and Vi from previous games, so I’m hoping we can make something work. I’m terrified being the only one from the old Malabar tribe here, but that just means we’re gonna have to try our hardest to win. I’m just gonna put in my all and hope for the best.

This swap couldn't have gone better. We swapped 5-1 AND I'm in an 4 person alliance with the 5 we had from before the swap. The next couple of rounds should be nice.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5PF0vMamDY4

Alex is a sneaky one all right, he's trying to get information from me about the tribe dynamics but I'm just going to reflect it back onto him to get more info out of him than he is me. I ain't stupid, I know when it comes down to tribe swaps, espicially in a 3-3 situation the goal is to find that one crack to flip it to your favor. Im loyal to Jared and JG at this very moment so I ain't about to reveal shit to him

oh geez. so tribe swap happened and i think me, augusto, sam, and reagan lucked out. (rip dan because he is by himself) i feel bad for voting out frankie. but we didn’t really have a choice... other than that nicole and vilma seem really nice!

they reuploaded my spam video wig https://youtu.be/mpgD-uqZknI

(A BIT LATER)

https://youtu.be/d1wYk2Hkj48

HOLY SHIT WAIT NICOLE AND JARED ARE DATING WHAT KINDA PLOT TWIST REHASH OF RUBEN/LEXI BULLSHIT IS GOING ON HERE

(A BIT LATER AFTER SCREAMING UNDER WATER)

OKAY APPARENTLY EVERYONE ELSE KNEW BUT ME WHAT ELSE IS NEW

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_oTbmew7Fa0&feature=youtu.be

Honestly hosts? This challenge that I going to force me out of my comfort zone? Negative. I’m already literally so fucking self conscious and anxiety filled. I’ll probably try to do my best but these are CRUEL. If I die from fucking salmonella poisoning from eating a raw egg imma haunt all your asses for the rest of eternity. Mark my words.

I didn't want to put too much effort into the reward challenge because I don't want to be seen as a threat, and luckily, the immunity challenge is a scavenger hunt that is at the beginning of a work week, otherwise, I'd knock it out of the park immediately. With work, I won't be able to, but I still shared the resources that I have so that they can work on as a group

https://youtu.be/mZ9MVVL_PP4

Okay so I was doing really well until you put me on this shit ass tribe. As people? Lovely. As players? The worst. How am I supposed to do anything with these people? Like literally how am I supposed to do anything. I’m so mad because I actually want to play this game and they are giving literally zero effort, being the absolute worst, all they do is complain and cry....I’m so over it. I haven’t eaten today so maybe just maybe it’s like that I’m hungry but on the other hand, I hate being with losers. Like I was in a tribe of winners who 90% wanted to give their all. Don’t sign up for the damn game if you aren’t willing to eat a raw egg or whatever we are being told to do this round. Why am I going to put in ALL my efforts for these idiots to just vote me out anyway? I’m so annoyed. They’re literally so fucking annoying. And I know the other tribes are actually doing well because they actually want to be here! And when we lose I’m gonna have to kiss more ass with these people because I’m in the minority. It’s just a fucked end of the stick that I got here when everyone else in my old tribe has it so easy. I got stuck with Vilma of all people and then a group of people who won’t ever vote each other out. It’s just like we are never going to win, I ate a fucking egg for these loser asses the best they can do is read some Harry Potter erotica, like get a fucking grip.

Vi doing nothing for this challenge? Expected.

Okay so, I've been on this new tribe for a few days now. I have really been thinking through every strategic situation. There is another layer to my game though, because I have to run through every scenario like I normally would- and then run through them all again, but account for Nicole being present. Not that I don't want to do well if it isn't with her, because that is just not the case. I just have to think about it... everyone else sure will be. Since there is still a long way to go til the merge- this is like a rough outline in different scenarios of getting there. 1- I want to win immunities. Pretty simple. They create a sense of cameraderie, and even though we are in essence 3-3, the longer we are socializing without discourse, the easier it will be for me to maneuver through this in the event that we must attend tribal. --- It's tough to try to account for Nicole's game and my tribe wins affecting how things go for her. I love her but I can't try to speculate what decisions would be the best for both of us mutually, because I could end up destroying us both. She's a smart cookie. She don't need me to get through. 2A- We win 1st place immunity. New Lazare loses. --- Here I don't know if I should make an effort to get Nicole sent to Ghost Island. I'm hoping my conversations with Augusto, her relationship with Regan from prior to this, and her social game outweigh any counter-offence that Vilma could mount. I think a good compromise would be to send Ashen or Sam, someone who is not an enemy of myself. 2B- We win 1st place immunity. Takamaka loses. --- I don't see a situation in where this tribe unanimously agrees to send Dan to Ghost Island. I would not really push the envelope in this spot, but rather see what everyone has to say and give input based off of that. Only person I would be hesitant to send is Johnny. 3A- We lose immunity. JG/Drake is sent to Ghost Island. --- Tough spot. I don't necessarily think that I would be in trouble, but the question is- Do I quietly send off my alliance mate? Do I hard sell Alex under the bus to Ricky and Asya? I think the latter has a higher ceiling outcome, and the lowest floor outcome. (Me getting evicted.) It would all be based on how far I get in conversations with Ricky/Asya without revealing my intentions. There is another option, and that is trying to get Alex to vote off Ricky or Asya. Close to 0% chance of pulling that off, and I don't think I would like the lay of the land coming back from that tribal. 3B- We lose immunity. Alex is sent to Ghost Island. --- Whatever Drake and JG want to do. Not a big discrepancy between Ricky and Asya here for me. I do like Asya a bit more. 3C- We lose immunity. Ricky/Asya is sent to Ghost Island. --- Do I persuade my counterparts to get Alex out in this spot? I do, I do! Why? Because Alex is nowhere on that venn diagram of people that will protect Nicole and myself at the merge. ---------- I had a call with Alex last night and got a lot of information from it. Lots and lots of ammunition that I will hold onto until the time is right. I think he likes me, or at least wants me to think that.

https://youtu.be/xlskto5cgVM

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TlpWEnCbpD0

(A BIT LATER)

These fucking animals will be the death of me. First Zumba with Tortoises & now  I'm covered in bat shit and carrying rabies. WTF who knew idol hunting would be so damn hard!!!

Had a call with Ruben last night, where he said he trusts Zach and I the most, and that Roxy has gotten kind of boring to him. I slipped it in there that Roxy is a pretty dangerous player (which she is), and those seeds just give me even more confidence that I can get her out sooner rather than later. Even thinking about making a power move to just have Zach, Ruben and I vote for Roxy, and then Roxy and Vi would vote for Dan, while Dan would likely vote for Vi, so idk...... When I was talking to Ruben, he clarified I'm his #1 and I'm going to start treating him like he's my number one. I don't wanna tell him about my idol yet obviously, but I think I can trust Ruben a lot. I know I've got that same kind of relationship going with Zach AND Crooks, so I'm spreading myself thin, but not trying too hard socially. Still can't find that Takamaka idol. I only got to search once, but I doubt I'm getting as lucky as I did on Lazare. I'm shook we won immunity when Vi didn't do anything.... it's kind of why I would feel bad voting out Roxy or Dan before Vi goes home..... she just doesn't continue to stay here. Ruben and I said we're going to see who goes home from the tribe that's going to tribal this round, and after we strong armed sending JG to Ghost Island, it gives Alex, Ricky and Asya numbers..... IF they stick together. I can see them not sticking together because I know those are the two people that Alex has spoken to roughly the least? So I could see Alex trying to work with Jared and Drake. I won't really be sad either way, but if someone from OG Lazare goes home, then Dan's fate might be sealed, which is kind of what Crooks wants anyways, so I guess good for him. I've never felt in such a secure spot in a tribe before, just because I feel our tribe is so strong, and we're just thinking about winning, and there are two easy outs, with a lowkey third person coming up on the horizons (Roxy). We'll see if I can get what I want this early in the game :P I will try to make this tribe interesting somehow. I promise!

You want the tea huh? We fuckin won binnnnnch. I’m shook honestly haha. Vi was as useful as soup on a hot summer day and we still literally got first place. So I’m liking that my tribe seems motivated to do our best in things, I was so worried I would be boned by the swap, but I seem to be acclimating well. The one thing that scares me is that Jared is vulnerable this week. I was hoping to push for him to go to Ghost Island but my gay ass was asleep of course. JG going is whatever, it’s just gonna give a fucking floater more power. It also puts the old Lizard (or whatever their name is) tribe at a 3-2 advantage over my cute old Malabar’s but whatever my ass is safe and that’s the only ass I care about.

Ugh I hate being in a 5 person tribal, my 3rd tribal in a row, and one where the tribal lines leave me in the minority. I'm trying to vote out someone I just am very cautious when throwing out a name since I am in the minority and Ricky, Alex, and Asya could easily team up and vote me out. I may just go and try throwing out Asya because she's the one I talked least to.  It's ugh im going to have a panic attack rip

Its really hard protecting vi tbh but shes loyal only to me so shes good for me

I did say every one on my tribe was great right? Totally carried me through this as I died physically and mentally. Maybe I can finally get some sleep and then tackle tonight’s thingy ;-;

https://youtu.be/rxYjBRg9u1g

I thought I liked Jared but he’s a little bit of a weasel. Jared’s like Kraft Mac and Cheese. It’s not your favorite food, it’s pretty mediocre. But it’s still good? Like if nothing else we’re there it’d be great. But I’ve got like a sundae with Asya and a Rueben Sandwich with Ricky. He’s smart. But I don’t like that he is. I wanna work with someone who I don’t have to push a narrative towards. However I feel great about Asya and Ricky. But we lost and if I get voted out the day after my three year anniversary I’ll cry.

I'm liking my new tribe so far. Nicole did most of the work last challenge and I am so grateful for that. Vilma is also sweet and funny, love her. Yesterday stressed me the fuck out though. I can handle the workload. Pippa is hosting this game, is in like 5 theatre shows, and school. So, I think i can do this. (PIPPA REALLY APPRECIATED THIS) MY INTERNET is what is fucking me up though. I could have done so many more of the video dares if my internet would just do what it supposed to do. It's so stressful. GOD. I just hope this shit doesn't ruin the game for me.

Smooth sailing as far as last tribal goes, which is surprising since I expected Frankie to come online and for it to be a bloody mess but guess not! Speaking of a bloody mess, I’m avoiding one! With a tribe swap happening, I get to avoid picking any sides as Malabar was about to turn into a Ashen/Drake vs Dan/Regan/Jared with Samantha and I in the middle -type of sticky situation really quick SO now I get to save face. Tbh, I am not really sure what side I would’ve chosen if it was a battle of the Malabar titans since a lot would’ve had to factor into the vote. With this new swap, I want to continue to build connections but do so at a slower pace (unless I end up swap fucked and then I’m kicking my charm into high gear) so I can once again have options. We’ll see what happens!

(A BIT LATER)

The results are in…. And I’m lucky for once? The swap actually worked out almost perfectly and the only instance where that has happened is Flops when I got to choose my new tribe. On New Lazare, Malabar has the numbers with 4 original members (Ashen, myself, Regan, Samantha) and we have Nicole and Vilma from original Lazare. Here, I have the option of sticking to my alliance with Ashen and Samantha, trying to stick it out with Regan as a newfound duo, or try to get super close to Nicole and/or Vilma somehow for options. Fluidity and adaptability is what the game is all about, so I’ll try to make that my mantra per se during this new phase of the game. As far as my other OG tribemates go, they are in shitty positions and I feel awful. My partner in crime Jared is in a 3-3 situation alongside Drake and JG and then Dan is by himself on the newly formed Takamaka. I relate so much to Dan in this moment just because I was all by myself during Socotra and had to face those giants all on my own, so I hope they at least give him an opportunity cause he does not deserve that. This swap is gonna be interesting for sure, though. I’m excited!

(EVEN LATER)

Can I just say I love Nicole? Okay so, her and I had a really good heart to heart both personally and strategically which makes me really excited. Before I swapped onto Lazare, Jared and I had a conversation about him and her and what their relationship entails as far as the game goes. He told me that he would never want to vote her out, which I totally understand and would never expect him to do because that’s a REAL relationship. I’m selfish but not selfish enough to ask him to pick between her or myself and I reiterated that to him. Anyway, I ended up telling Nicole that Jared and I were the best of buddies on OG Malabar to connect better with her as a person and as a gameplayer. I also told her about my conversation with Jared and how he really cares for her, etc. By doing that, Nicole and I really got to bond and had a conversation about this whole Malabar versus Lazare mentality that is likely to plague the swap as it did the first two rounds of the game. She also let me know that Alex was very much assertive in the fact that he wanted to decimate Malabar completely and how people such as Ricky and Asya were not very about it, etc. We also brought up the possibility of us working together in the future, which I am super about because it allows me to be close to someone from Lazare and gives me the bridge I need to those players, plus it helps me get even closer to Jared. Also in a sense, their relationship can be a shield for me in the future as a couple would be more likely to be targeted than a third wheel. Overall, I am feeling really good!

So......we won immunity 😬 I was really thinking my tribe was gonna be lazy because they wasted a full 36 hours. At the last moment they came through and fucked over my boyfriend, a sentiment I’m sad about but...also we won immunity. I’m kind of worried for him but Ricky seemed genuinely on board with me and I don’t think he’d want to make an enemy of me. He knows I can be a villain if he calls for one.

So the challenge is not really over, but I do think we’re doing okay? I am just thinking about a future tribal scenario and I think my game plan for this stage of the swap is to maybe get rid of Vilma and then Ashen so I can stay working with Regan, Nicole, and Samantha. Vilma is a good asset in challenges and overall an amazing person, but I do think it’d be smart to get rid of at least one Lazare person. As far as Ashen goes, I do find her to be a threat only because she seems somewhat social and she is the one that started the alliance between myself, Drake, her, and Samantha. The only thing is that she had no real agency/pull when she tried to get rid of Regan instead of Frankie so who knows. At least I could potentially use the fact that Ashen wanted to axe Regan against her in the future, but we’ll see… maybe I’m moving too fast haha. Let’s just get this bread first and I’ll act crazy later.

wish i didnt have to go to tribal xoxo

I knew this iconic color would produce iconic results… I’m…. WE WON?! This is my first challenge win this season and it’s been long overdue, so I’m super happy about that! Not only that, but this tribe is seriously awesome. I love the girl power, the legendary status of these people, and overall our vibe because we came together pretty well. I am nervous for Drake and Jared just because I KNEW that JG would be sent to Ghost Island since he is not social or very much active, so I will likely lose an alliance member this round and I’m sad about it. If I had to guess, I’d say Drake is the boot since Jared is more social and the Lazare on that tribe probably don’t want to piss off Nicole this early on. If Jared does leave, I’ll be really sad because our duo never got its time to shine, but let’s hope the show can continue whatever the circumstance.

Okay so I like Nicole I like Augusto Vilma kinda hasn't talked to me. I forget who else exists tbh. Sam barely does. Ashen barely does. Me augusto and Nicole pulling the weight on this tribe fr

AGAIN SORRY FOR THE LACK OF CONFESSIONALS, it takes a while to write them and I'm constantly staying up till 5am or even later for this game, so I'm pretty much exhausted during the day. It's tough honestly! Thankfully I haven't had to go to tribal so far in this game so there's not that much tea to spill. Here's my game so far, summarized: I had already forgotten how much my social game sucks. I hate the start of orgs, it's super overwhelming trying to socialize and get to know so many knew people. I get social anxiety every time I see a message pop up on my screen and pretend it didn't ever happen lmao. Thankfully I got put on Lazare which turned out to be a really active tribe and everyone was really nice to me despite the fact that they all seemed to pretty much know each other and I was kind of the odd one out. I think there's a good chance I would have gotten voted out if I ever went to tribal with them, but thankfully we were BEASTS at challenges so we didn't have to vote anyone out. The 99 bottles challenge was a nice bonding moment between Johnny, Zach and I despite me being super awkward as always. And I FINALLY got to compete on the music video challenge for the first time which was an absolute highlight. <<33333 I can pretty much go home happy now, I got what I wanted LMAO. Don't worry I'm not quitting though. Just as the tribe swap was happening Roxy told me that her idol clue said the idol's not in the volcano. I appreciated the info! All in all, I didn't talk much game with anyone on Lazare, which made me think I was on the outs but on the other hand we never went to tribal so there wasn't really any real reason to talk about strategy. Besides, I was horrendous at answering messages so it's partially my own fault. Then I got swapfucked. Haha okay that might be a slight exaggeration, but clearly numbers weren't on my side at the swap as I went from a 10 to 8 advantage to a 4 to 2 disadvantage. The only person from og Lazare that swapped with me was Nicole. We made a promise to have each others backs and she convinced me that she had a good relationship with some of our new tribe mates, so there's chance she could convince them to flip. I hope that's true, but it could very well be the end for me if end up to tribal. It's pretty difficult trying to understand all the game dynamics since so many players already know each other! I'm just trying to observe as many conversations as possible to figure out who's close with who, and who's against who. Even though my new tribe lost the reward challenge by a pretty big margin, we were able to come together in the last minute at immunity and placed 2nd, so we didn't have to go to tribal. WOOOOOOO I live to see yet another day in this game!!!! Awesome. I really don't think I have any chance to win this, so my plan at this point is just to hang in there as long as possible. So far I've done pretty good at that if I say so myself. I'm gonna try and continue to be a challenge beast for now, just so that my tribe would think they need me if we end up having to go to tribal. Summary: Loving the challenges, failing hard at the social game, but most importantly HAVING GREAT FUN THANKS

Omg I feel so bad for not contributing much to the comp but like also I’m super busy so I guess it’s fine?? We won by 15 points and I only sent in 12 points hahaha at least I did something! I really like Nicole and Vilma, and I’m happy that my old tribe has majority here, so I don’t want to lose because I don’t know how that vote would go! Oh well :(

[chocolatemeg]

Do all of them for that ask game :). Ps. I love your blog it's always really entertaining on my dash 😘

Someone actually did this wow I'm so happy no one ever does these ask games with me anymore, thanks anon! I would put these below a cut but I'm on mobile so I can't, so I am sorry that you have to read all of this. 1. You woke up naked next to the last person you texted, what would you say? -Okay well the last person I texted is my boyfriend, who I haven't seen in a month because he is currently in a different province, so it would probably just be me saying how much I missed him and probably crying2. What’s going on between you and the last person you kissed?-Well we are currently in a long distance relationship which fucking sucks, but we're getting through it, and it'll be over soon (well as soon as school starts again)3. If your boyfriend or girlfriend was into drugs, would you care?-um depends on which drug, but yeah it would probably bother me a little, especially if it was a really serious drug habit4. Is your last name longer than six letters?-It is5. Was your last kiss drunk or sober?- I was sober (I was also crying but oh well. Was still sober)6. Have you ever wanted to have someone but you messed it up?-Oh all the time. Especially in high school when it came to people I was crushing on. It's okay though, I figured it out7. What does your last received text say?-"That's all I've got for you"8. How many times have you kissed the last person you kissed?-More than I can count and nowhere close to enough 9. Where was your last kiss at?-in the parking lot of the residence I was living in at university 10. When is the last time you saw your sister?-don't have one11. What do you drink in the morning?-Water if I wake up thirsty, or just like orange juice or something 12. Where did you sleep last night?-In my own bed (sadly)13. Do you think relationships are hard?-I think that they can be. I think it depends a lot upon who you and your SO are as people, and how much work you're willing to put into your relationship14. If you could go back and change something in the past 5 months, would you?-Maybe15. You’re locked in a room with the last person you kissed, any problems?-None whatsoever. I would be ecstatic 16. Would you rather it be sunny or rainy?-Rainy. I burn very easily, and I love the rain. Although if I had to be going outside somewhere then I suppose I would rather it be sunny. However in a perfect world in which I got to stay home all day: definitely rainy17. Do you know anyone with the same middle name as you?-Not that I know of?18. Are you wearing jeans,sweatpants,or pajama pants?-I am currently lying in bed in my pjs 19. Do you think you will be in a relationship 3 years from now?-I hope so, but who knows what'll happen20. Does anyone like you?-i sure as hell hope so, otherwise me and my bf need to have a talk 😝21. Have you ever kissed someone with a name that starts with an S?-funnily enough, the only people I've ever kissed have both had S names (their initials have actually both been SB lmao)22. Is the last person you kissed gay?-hope not23. Is there a person you CANNOT stand?-so many. 24. Have you ever considered getting a tattoo?-I have, and I actually did get one last month. It's a rose, and it's very pretty and I love it25. In the past week have you cried?-literally almost every night this month. I'm having a really hard time with long distance and being back at home, so it's just been a lot to deal with26. What breed was the last dog you saw? -Um I think it was a Doberman but idk27. Do you dry off in the shower or out of the shower?-out of the shower 28. Have you ever kissed a football player?-No but I have kissed someone who used to play rugby (which is basically the same thing)29. Do you think you’re old?-not particularly? 30. Do you like text messaging?-I do. I tend to stutter and mix up words when I'm speaking, so texting makes my life easier 31. What type of day are you having?-pretty shit but that seems to be my new norm 32. Have you ever thought about getting your nose pierced?-I've considered it, but idk. I feel like I'm too likely to pull it out somehow to really feel safe doing it33. Do you prefer warm or cold weather?-cold. I like bundling up in lots of layers, and being too hot makes me really grumpy 34. Is there a person of the opposite sex who means a lot to you?-yes there is35. Would you prefer a relationship or a fling?-a relationship definitely. I like commitment, I don't do casual very well36. Are you a simple or complicated person?-I have no idea. Probably complicated37. What song are you listening to?-Breakeven by The Script38. When you say you’re sorry do you mean it?-depends on the context and who I'm talking to 39. Is there a girl that knows everything or almost everything about you?-Umm probably my best friend. She definitely knows more than most40. What made you start liking the person you like now?-well we lived down the hall from each other last year, and got to be really close friends, and idk, things eventually started to develop more, and I realized that I had a crush on them (which was a problem because I was currently in a relationship but it all worked out (also I feel like I should clarify, at no point did I ever cheat on my partner at the time, it was just a lot of confusing emotions which I sorted through and ended the relationship after realizing that it wasn't fair to us because I wanted to be with someone else and what I was doing wasn't fair to him ))41. When did you last receive a text message?-Around 9pm while I was at work42. What is wrong with you right now?-so much. Way too much to get into right now but hey if you want the full story than ask in a separate ask and y'all can have all of my drama43. How well do you know the last female you texted?-pretty well, given that it's my mother44. Does anyone disgust you?-lots of people45. Would you date someone right now if they asked?-nope. I am in a happy committed relationship and I intend to stay in it for as long as possible 46. Are you in a good mood right now?-I'm too distracted to be in a bad mood, so I suppose so47. Who was the last person you talked to in person?-My mom48. What color shirt are you wearing?-it's this purpleish pink colour 49. Has someone recently told you something you didn’t want to hear?-not recently50. Anyone you’re giving up on?-just myself a little bit 51. Do you hate the person you fell hardest for?-well I'm currently dating and in love with them, so imma have to go with no52. Have you ever thought about giving up on someone but couldn’t?-all the time53. Do you like rain?-I love it54. Do you care if your boyfriend/girlfriend drinks?-Not in the slightest. I drink, and it's fun to get drunk with other people 55. Have you ever liked somebody and never told them?-oh all the time56. Do you like to cuddle?-I love to cuddle. I'm a very physically affectionate person57. Are you shy?-sometimes58. Do you get along with girls?-it depends on the girl, but usually not 59. Have you dated the person you texted last?-I am currently dating them60. What do you carry with you at all times?-my phone61. If you were paid 1 million dollars to spend the night in a supposed haunted house, would you?-it depends, if I had someone with me, I would but if I was alone then I don't think I could62. Do you think you can last in a relationship for five months?-I can, and I have63. Think back to October, were you in a relationship?-For parts of it I was 64. The person you like kisses you on the forehead, do you find this cute?-oh very65. Did anything “cute” happen in the last week?-honestly just whatever my cats do. I find everything they do cute66. How old are the last three people you kissed?-okay well I've only ever kissed two people, and they've both been About the same age as me67. Would you rather pay to get your nails done or do them yourself? -do them myself, because I always destroy them so fast it doesn't seem worth it to pay to get them done68. Which do you like better- Zebra print or leopard print? -leopard print69. Do you have any stickers on your car? -don't have a car70. Would you rather listen to Luke Bryan or Lil Wayne? -I don't know who either of those people are 71. Blackberry, Anroid, or iPhone? -iPhone 72. When’s the last time you had pizza from Pizza Hut? -the day my boyfriend broke up with me (it's okay we got back together. It was a very complicated messy situation dw everything is fine now)73. Do you like diet soda? -not really. 74. What color are the walls in your room? -white and light green75. Are you 16 or older? -I am. I'm 1876. Do you watch Pretty Little Liars? -I used to, but I stopped watching last year. I'm still sort of caught up though77. Do you have a job? -I do as of Saturday 78. What are your initials? -MSM79. Did you ever have braces? -I did. Got them off in 10th grade80. Are you from the south? -no? I'm from Canada, I don't even know if we have anything that qualifies as 'the south'81. What does your last status on facebook say? -I've never made a Facebook status82. Do you still talk to the first person you ever kissed? -we snapchat semi regularly. It's still slightly awkward after the breakup but oh well83. Are you closer to your mom or your dad? -definitely my dad 84. Have you ever done cheerleading or gymnastics? -nope. I am the least flexible person ever. (My boyfriend used to be a gymnast though, which is cool. He backflips way too much though 😝)85. What’s the last movie you saw in theaters? -WONDER WOMAN!!!! IT WAS SO GOOD86. Do you smoke? -Nope, and I never will87. Would you rather wear heels or flip flops? -depends on where I'm going 88. Is your phone touch screen? -it is. 89. Do you normally wear your hair straight or curly? -straight usually90. Have you ever snuck out of your house? -never91. Would you rather swim in a river, lake, or pool? -pool probably 92. Have you ever made out in a car? -sadly no93. …Had sex in a car? -sadly also no. It's on the bucket list tho 94. Are you single or in a relationship? -relationship 95. What were you doing last night at midnight? -Having a minor stress induced breakdown 96. When’s the last time you saw fireworks? -last year on Canada day probably 97. Do you like the camera on your phone? -yeah it's pretty good98. Have you ever had a friend with benefits? -I have! For 3 weeks actually (until it turned into an actual relationship)99. Have you ever passed out from drinking? -nope, but I have vomited my guts out from drinking100. Are you friends with people on facebook that you actually hate? -oh absolutely 101. Have you ever had a pregnancy scare? -I had one this week actually lmao (props to my IUD for fucking with my period)102. Name your favorite Kesha song: -your love is my drug103. Do you have any tan lines right now? -jokes on you I don't tan because I'm a ghost104. Would you ever wear cowboy boots with shorts? -I absolutely would, I love my cowboy boots