#i haven't posted in a long time but i've been way too infatuated with this game

[parasitehead]

Gotham Knights ▸ [01/?] ↪ The Iceburg Lounge ☂

[lilac-5ky]

Hi there! Your writing is awesome!!! I love your headcanons and fics as they feel so spot on ❤️❤️❤️

I have a request if you are accepting - imma be angsty today - do you have any headcanons for Gintoki when he realizes he loves someone who was in love with him too late?

Thank you for this awesome blog!!! Makes my day to see posts!

A/N: Hi! It's been ages since I've done a request, but I was feeling generous (bad about being this lazy) and thought I'd give it a shot! Turned out more like a mini thing than headcanons lmao oops. HOPE THIS WAS GOOD ENOUGH, HAVEN'T WRITTEN ANYTHING FOR GINTOKI IN AGES, and THANK YOU FOR YOUR WONDERFUL WORDS! Hearing such lovely words is enough to make my day!

Warning: Didn't proofread .-. Angst

Gintoki was a bastard. Nothing new or foreign in particular. Everyone acquainted to the silver-haired samurai could name at least 10 negative traits of his, struggling to name just one good quality that would redeem him.

Everyone, except of you, that was. You didn't see Gintoki as the lazy, parasitic, sleazy, sadistic, gambling-addicted drunkard (wow he really has a lot of negatives) they made him out to be. You saw Gintoki for the kindhearted man that he was. The one who went around risking the color of his soul just to save another. The one who was whatever those around him wanted him to be: a friend, a brother, a hero, and why not a lover?

Admiration turned into Infatuation, tricking your heart into thinking you loved him. You'd linger around Yorozuya, offloading whatever menial task you could think of just for the chance to see him. Be it cleaning the leaves from your porch, killing that one cockroach that had sneaked in (one that had him running laps around the house while screaming for help) and even being your plus one to the wedding of a friend.

You dreamed of a day when you wouldn't have to come up with excuses for his company, and seeing as there were only so many times you could call him up to unplug your toilet before you ran low on cash, you decided to pour your heart out.

Kagura and Shinpachi knew. So when you asked Gintoki if he could meet you at your place on his own, they dolled him up and sent him your way with a "Good Luck" whose meaning he didn't quite understood until he saw you cradling a heart shaped box of chocolates-- plush cheeks flushing red, while pink lips curved into a shy smile.

"Gin-toki," the name shattered on your tongue. "I... I love you. Go out with me, please."

He stared at you for quite a while, as if you'd just uttered the world's most complicated joke. He wasn't sure if he should laugh or ask you if he knew what kind of crap you'd spat, and him being eager to verify his reputation chose the second.

"The yard seems clean enough to me. I'll be going now," he said, rejecting not just you, but the boxes of chocolate as it fell open onto the ground.

The next few hours were the hardest. Sleeping on the same pillow where you daydreamed all about your future with him felt like sleeping on glasses of your shattered dreams. Not even an answer, not a single explanation. He'd broken your heart with such ease that it terrified you. How plausible was it that in this new era of canine looking Amanto and flying cars some alien had taken over his body and wore it around like a heart-less, soul-less puppet?

Denial.

It was easier to deny all that had transpired and pretended it never happened. You even passed by Yorozuya the next morning, willing to give this another chance, telling yourself that man wasn't Gintoki. But when you saw his apathetic face reading the newest Jump and picking his nose even in your presence, you couldn't stop the tears from streaming down your puffy eyes.

Anger.

It didn't take long for you to join the ranks of Gintoki's haters, seeing the man as nothing short of the Devil himself. Every terrible thing that happened, you pinned on him. Bumping onto the kitchen cabinet? He was jinxing you from afar. Running out of gas in the middle of town? He must have stolen it while you were asleep. A terrorist attack nearby? Weren't those goons Gintoki's old war-pals? Every natural phenomena, every misfortune of this world and the next was Gintoki's fault. Love? The mere notion that you once loved him made you laugh. Hatred was all you had left.

Bargaining

With each passing day, you felt your fury redirecting at you, gnawing and clawing at your insides, while small "What If's" plagued your mind like maggots. What if you hadn't confessed that day? What if instead of your place you'd called him to a restaurant? What if you'd gotten a different brand of chocolates? What if--

Depression

You couldn't remember when the last time you'd gotten out of bed was. Balled up tissues framed the four corners of the room, the tears contained in them enough to cause a shipwreck. You didn't want to see anyone anymore, afraid that if you did you'd spot a resemblance between them and the man your heart longed to see the most. You didn't hate him anymore... you missed him. You missed the sound of his name so badly that it threaded itself between pitiful chokes and sobs like a rosary.

You missed him.

Acceptance

The days in your calendar kept shifting until a month had passed. Taking baby steps, you'd done your best to return to an inchoate routine. You woke up, washed your teeth, showered, checked the functionality of your toilet's flush, ate breakfast and went to work, where you stayed until the stack of paperwork diminished, and until you were rewarded for your efforts in the form of a promotion. Your coworkers cheered for you, and for a moment life felt good again because you'd stopped searching for the familiar hue of a silver mop.

You were fine.

The route Gintoki took to and from the pachinko parlor he frequented was predetermined. On hot days, he'd stop by that one ice cream joint with the world's greatest (and most affordable) soft serve. On cold days, he'd trade that for a warm bowl of red bean soup. Then he'd be on his way to the convenient store to grab the latest Jump and finish his day with a drink at the old hag's place.

Gintoki always took the same route, except of that one day he hadn't. The worn-out soles of his black boots carried him in the opposite direction of all those places and even home, bringing him to stand outside the two-floor house with the porch that needing cleaning regardless of season; your house.

He hadn't heard anything from you since God knows how long, and why would he? No one needed to remind him how much of a jerk he'd been, for the words in his brain repeated like a broken record he couldn't afford fixing. He was worse than a jerk. A despicable caricature of a man that couldn't own to the fact that he'd grown fond of you the same way you'd come to love him.

The look of absolute endearment whenever your eyes spotted him, a look that didn't change despite the crudeness of his actions. He loved that. The shaky fluctuations in your tone whenever he'd sit close enough to feel your hair tingling his face. He loved that, too. The smile that shone as bright as the sun itself and the little hand that waved at him -gosh, how he longed to hold that hand in his and compare the difference in size- goodbye. He loved that all so much. Too much. He loved you.

Or else why would he be standing out there when his beloved weather girl had issued a thunderstorm warning?

With his hands buried in his pockets, Gintoki circled the picket fence of your porch, head tilting between the wooden cracks at a chance to see your face. How was he supposed to start? Would an apology do? Would letting himself be beaten by that rusty rake or drenched from head to toe by your garden's hose do? How many "I love you's" would he need to spell out to convince you he was any less of a bastard than you made him out to be? What would it take for your forgiveness?

His fingers weaved through locks of silver, threatening to pluck them out. If he told you the truth, that he thought you deserved something better than a basket case samurai with no more than 300 yen in his name, he'd seem like a complete idiot. If he told you that the ghosts of the past he'd tried so hard to evade were catching up to him, you'd mistake him for a coward. And if he selfishly grabbed your hand and forced it against his chest, he knew he'd never be able to hear the three little words that directly countered those you'd said before.

"Gintoki, what are you doing here?"

The track of guilt gave way to the sweetest melody known to his ears, hope daring spur him on. He wore his gentlest smile and turned around to face you, the same hope digging like a knife inside his wretched heart at the sight of fingers -ten, in total- intertwined together, five of them belonging to you and the other to a man whose face didn't matter. All that mattered was the joy plastered on your pursed lips, one he saw fade away the second your eyes locked. One that was meant for him no more.

"The yard seems clean enough to me," he pointed beyond the fence, boots diving in the first of Ketsuno Ana's warnings as the sorrowful record resumed.

"I'll be going now."

[des-no9]

Des' fav BG3 fics...so far

Inspired by @mightymizora gonna do a small post of my fav BG3 fics so far with a couple of comments as reviews. I mean, most of my target audience has seen them I'm sure (our githyanki corner is small) but if you're ever interested in Voss and Orpheus and haven't read these yet, please enjoy <3

All of them are one shots, however my Orpheus/Voss/Vanquish fics are part of a series that spans from young Orpheus and Voss, during in-game Acts and eventually to post BG3 and the githyanki rebellion.

first among many Tav(Vanquish)/Kith'rak Voss 5k; E

When Voss visits their camp, revealing his and the githyanki's truths, Vanquish asks him to stay. For Lae'zel's sake, or her own?

"so do you want my first born? or maybe all my mortal possessions? my money? my entire life? nothing i have could possibly come close to repaying you for this absolutely delectable meal you’ve given us" "Well, now I have a new fixation. Thank you, this was wonderful."

V. Tav(Vanquish)/Kith'rak Voss 10k; E

Where a few weeks after her first night with Kith'rak Voss, her guardian pulls back the curtain and reveals all, and Vanquish makes an impulsive nightcall to Kith'rak Voss at Sharess' Caress.

"Never again apologize for something being "too long", you. I was lamenting my scroll bar nearing the end of the page well before any words actually ceased." "This is INTENSE. Vanquish and Voss are once again fantastic together in all their complicated sexy ambiguity.......but last of all: I love both the art and the dictionary! The created phrases and tir'su drawings add so much to what is already a fantastic fic."

the one who bleeds Orpheus/Voss 4k; E

A snapshot of young Orpheus and Voss and a look into their lives, the meaning of Orpheus' tattoos, and what it means to be the one who bleeds.

"Such poetry, my god, everything about this was dreamlike and wonderful, absolutely fantastic!" "This absolutely bangs. What a beautiful prose style! I love how it evokes the rhythms we hear in Tir’su......Absolutely thrilling to read."

godless grace Orpheus/Reader 5k; E

You're Prince Orpheus' saviour. And tonight he's going to thank you.

"Oh gosh, this one had me equally enthralled and on edge....You continue to write infatuation with Gith so beautifully, and I am here for it!" "I have read this several times just, enjoyment the whole way through. Finding words for this feels important, yet keysmashing in glee has been most of what I've had until now.......Gods. I really appreciate your attention to detail. It makes these works so much more toothsome and whole."

personal show Tav(Vanquish)/The Emperor (and the unwilling guest, Orpheus) 1.3k; E

Where Vanquish and The Emperor give the chained Orpheus a personal show.

"heellloooo!! i’m going insane" "what the hell dude this is POETRY so good <333 thank you for blessing this world with this fic"

[softpromise]

20 questions

how many works do you have on ao3? 11 works!

what's your total ao3 word count? 385,785?! wow

what fandoms do you write for? i have primarily published for zelda and one fic for honkai star rail, i've been working on a number of genshin impact fics but we'll see if i ever finish any haha. i miss the days when i could get myself to just post chapters as i wrote them but now i feel like i have to have all or a significant amount done before publishing :')

what are your top 5 fics by kudos? to hold the sun (zelink, complete), pawn structure (zelink, complete), i could only have you in my dreams (danstelle, slowly whittling away at another chapter), thunderstruck (zelink, complete), all in a day's work (working on a re-write!)

do you respond to comments? always and i feel guilty if it takes me too long to respond!! writing fanfiction is fun and cathartic but the reason i publish it is to talk to people about it. please comment on fanfic and feel free to respond again when/if authors reply - it's one of my favorite things!

what's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending? ummm i'd have to say i could only have you in my dreams but that's mostly because it's "unfinished" as it stands right now. i love reading and writing angst in a fic but i'm too baby to give something an actually angsty ending :x

what's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending? EVERYTHING ELSE but maybe to avoid a cliche (zelink, complete) because the entire thing was a cliche and predictable and i just wanted it to feel cozy

do you get hate on fics? umm i'm sure i have but i don't really dwell on it. if someone's hating on skill, go off, i'm not a writing major and i'm publishing fics for free. if they want to hate on content/themes, different strokes for different folks. if they think i've done something "wrong", then i'd much rather they bring it to my attention respectfully so i can do better and learn. but at the end of the day, fanfiction is for fun, and i publish things i love and am proud of, and i've been lucky to receive a warm reception!

do you write smut? if so, what kind? absolutely i do! i feel like what i've published is on the kinkier end of the spectrum for a more vanilla reader, but on the vanilla end for a more seasoned reader. i like playing with power dynamics and desperation and worship/infatuation/obsession.

do you write crossovers? if so, what's the craziest one you've written? i haven't, and i don't know that i would! i really like coming up with plots that rely heavily on canon (even if it's just in my own way lol), and struggle with writing concepts that don't. i'm not sure i could get myself to write a crossover, unless it somehow still felt possible within canon!

have you ever had a fic stolen? not to my knowledge!

have you ever had a fic translated? i haven't! i'm working on a specific fic that i'd love to have translated into ukrainian eventually, so if there's anyone reading this that might be able to help, hit me up!

have you ever co-written a fic before? yes! to hold the sun with @obsidiangst and @hyperphonic, and pawn structure with hyperphonic. i learned so much through both experiences (and, yes, i'm tagging you both to do this xo)

what's your all-time favorite ship? easily zelink, i've loved them ever since i was a kid. it's the pure love, the cyclical romances, the trauma and the angst and the slow burn... and the forever and ever and ever. i've been really into chilumi lately too - the dynamic of "more than meets the eye" childe and "aloof intergalactic goddess that cares, believe it or not" lumine. i just love pining hahaha

what's a WIP you want to finish, but doubt you ever will? *looks at wips folder* all?!?!?!?! just kidding (?). i'm really not sure! i did start a midzel piece a long time ago, inspired by carmilla, and i don't know that i'll pick that one up again. maybe i'll try to polish up what i have and put out a one shot instead of the slowburn longfic i wanted to do :')

what are your writing strengths? the easiest thing for me to sit down and write through to completion (pun very much intended) is smut! that's very often the part i finish first, while doing everything else in bits and pieces. i'm generally going for sexy but artsy, with the right mix (for me!) of blunt words and prose. i also feel that i'm good at characterizations that align with/expand upon canon.

what are your writing weaknesses? i definitely struggle with getting all of my thoughts onto the page, and i often have to read and re-read and RE-re-read to see if what i wrote makes sense (i.e. i didn't forget to include anything critical because my brain assumes it's already there). lately i've been having trouble with really connecting to writing, too, which makes the text feel shallow to me. working on being patient and writing one good sentence at a time!

thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic? i love the idea and have a lot of thoughts so let me try to summarize! logistically, i would do it either in brackets (a la to hold the sun) or italics (if it was like a particular phrase in an otherwise english line) or just mention it, depending on the context. creatively, though, to me it's important (and fun!) to start by researching the culture. i also would be more comfortable including specific phrases/pet names rather than entire bouts of dialogue, unless i found a native speaker to help me!

first fandom you wrote for? zelda HAHA if i ever wrote any fanfic before that i don't remember it!

favorite fic you've ever written? hylia's greatest gift. it was something i felt was missing in the fandom, for a lot of reasons, and i think it represents what i'm best at writing as well as what i want to read. it's funny, it's lovely, it's sexy, and i really put no pressure on myself while writing it. i have something upcoming that can hopefully feel similar to me :)

thank you so much to @1up-girl for tagging me, i had so much fun reading your answers and then thinking through them myself! to anyone else reading, if you want to fill this out, consider yourself tagged - share your brain and @ me so i can read!!

[unseededtoast]

Rectify | Bucky Barnes

Part 20/37 | Part Nineteen, Part Twenty One

Summary: I've lived every day for the past five years looking over my shoulder. I knew they'd come for me, it was inevitable. I was foolish to think I could outrun my past. It's followed me everywhere I go, lurking in the shadows, waiting for the perfect moment to strike. Never would I have anticipated that the shadows would lead me to the light.

Bucky Barnes x OC

Series Warnings: Discussion of human trafficking, alcohol consumption, graphic depictions of violence, sexual content, discussion of suicidal thoughts.

a/n: Hi everyone, thank you for checking this out, I appreciate any and all support! This series is also posted on Ao3 and Wattpad if you prefer those formats/platforms! This is a completed series, and it's going to take some time for me to transfer it to Tumblr, so please bear with me!

"It could regulate his brain functions and stop the programming before it can start."

I tape a piece of paper to wall and take a few steps back. Since the other day my mind map has grown exponentially. There are a lot more theories than we started with, most stemming from Tony's want to apply the gem's framework to one of his protocols. It's been an uphill battle trying to convince him that it's too soon to be trying to create an artificial intelligence on this scale when we don't even understand what we're dealing with fully. However, Tony has grown tired of hearing my protests. So now, all I can do is learn about what we're dealing with so that we're better equipped for Tony's desires.

As Tony mentioned the other day, Ultron has been a fantasy of his for a while and the gem has opened the doors. Basically, Tony wants to create an artificial intelligence protocol to protect Earth from predators originating in space, and to have a suit of armor around the world to respond quickly to any emerging threat. While Bruce was on my side to begin with, I can tell Tony's winning him over, the thought of creating something so grandiose is almost intoxicating to Bruce. I'm not against the idea of creating the protocol, I'm against experimenting with unknown technology on such a large scale.

Tony and Bruce left with each other for lunch today, leaving me in the lab alone. I look to the blue model that's been hovering in the air for the past two days. I've come to the conclusion that if the framework contained within the jewel was given a proper host that it may be possible a sentient being could be created. I've been studying the way that the matrix is working and I can tell that it's taking input from the environment and processing it, much like a brain.

In addition to that, I've also come up with another idea that I haven't disclosed to anyone yet. I walk back to my desk and pull out the drawer containing my notes I've been making while I'm in here alone. Since Tony and Bruce have been infatuated with their idea, it's been relatively easy to work on this by myself. I hear the elevator ding and see both Steve and Bucky walk over, I told them to come down so I can discuss what my idea.

"What is that?" Bucky asks as he passes the model.

"That is what is contained in the gem from Loki's scepter. In a nutshell it's a brain, it takes input and processes it." I say, saving them the long and scientific explanation. I don't have much time to get through my idea before Tony and Bruce come back. I spin the piece of paper around on the table and dive right into my idea.

"Tony and Bruce don't know I've been doing this, I'm trusting you two to keep it that way for now. I think I've come up with a solution that would make the Winter Soldier programming obsolete." I watch as Bucky's eyebrows scrunch together. Steve stares with a blank face, and I waste no time elaborating.

"So the Winter Soldier programming is too deeply conditioned for me to be able to safely remove it and still keep Bucky. This framework may allow me to apply an algorithm to negate the conditioning. If I can apply an algorithm that detects the trigger words, it can shut down the Winter Soldier conditioning." I say, feeling more confident that I'm on the right track.

"But how will you put that algorithm in my mind without more programming?" Bucky asks and I sigh, there is one downfall to my plan.

"In order to put the algorithm in your mind I'm going to have to create a medium that will target the dorsal anterior cingulate cortex, it's the only way. But it'll be painless and nothing like the Winter Soldier programming experience, I can promise you that." I say, knowing I still have some obstacles to overcome in order to make this plan work. They both stay silent for a moment and I feel butterflies start flittering in my stomach, what if they don't like the plan?

"If it means the Winter Soldier will be no more, I'm on board." Bucky says, and I release a breath I didn't realize I was holding. I look to Steve, who has a skeptical look on his face.

"How do you know it'll be painless?" He asks.

"Well the Winter Soldier conditioning was done using electricity over and over again, I plan on creating a laser that will transmit and implement this framework, it'll likely be a pinch at most. They use lasers all the time for surgery, I promise this isn't going to be an experiment." I try to put Steve's anxieties to rest, but I understand how he feels. He just wants to know his best friend will be alright.

"If Bucky's on board then so am I." Steve finally says and I smile, content that I got their approval.

"I just need to work out the finer details and then I'm going to ask Bruce to help me." I say, eager to continue this project.

It feels like an adrenaline rush, I'm so close to being able to redeem myself and save Bucky forever. Five years ago, or even just a few months ago, I never would have dreamed that I would find myself in this position. I was certain I'd never see Bucky again.

Although I had never really met Bucky, truly. I had met the hollow shell of him. Bucky in his entirety is so full of life and I never would have anticipated he was so lively and caring. I never would have thought he would make me blush or cause butterflies in my tummy. All of which inspires and drives me to finish this project. I put the paper back in the drawer and look at the clock on the wall.

"You guys should probably get going, they'll be back any time. I'll meet up with you two later." I say and urge them to leave. The last thing I need is Bruce and Tony asking why Steve and Bucky were down here. Steve nods and starts walking to the elevator, Bucky hangs back.

"I miss you up there, it's not the same. I'll see you later for dinner." He says and smiles before walking to the elevator. Truth be told, I miss him too. I find my thoughts wandering to him most of the time while I'm down here. I miss his goofy remarks and the way he smells, I miss the feeling of being around him, comfortable and secure. I've been on edge for days trying to fight Tony, I feel a constant stress headache in the base of my neck.

Not two minutes after they leave, Tony and Bruce come back down discussing something. They continue to talk, leaving me out of the conversation. Which means they're likely talking about the Ultron protocol. I take in a deep breath to keep myself from rolling my eyes and decide I've had enough.

"Listen, I understand you two are excited to work on the Ultron protocol, the idea is very exciting. I just don't think anything good can come of it until we understand the nature of how this will act when given a host." I say. I think I'm credible enough to speak on this. They stop speaking, looking slightly annoyed I interrupted them.

"What's the worst case scenario?" Tony asks.

"What if it doesn't work the way you intend for it to? We don't know the level of sentience it can achieve, which is why I think we should start small so that we can control it in case something unforeseen happens. Don't think I'm trying to stop the Ultron protocol, I just think we can do it in a smarter way." I say, hoping they'll hear me out this time.

"She has a point." Bruce sighs as he sides with me. It's about time he came back to his senses. After a moment of silence, Tony speaks up.

"Fine. We'll start on small hosts and work our way up." I smile, happy that he's agreed to pause the Ultron program and start small.

The three of us spend the afternoon building hosts that we can apply the framework to. We're going for a humanoid type of vessel since it seems to be operating closely to the mind of a human. Tony blares his music as we work but I can't help but tune it out as I look forward to dinner tonight and being near Bucky.

As evening approaches, we've each created four hosts, equaling twelve in total which I think is more than enough for starter research. I place my tools on the table and watch as Tony steps away from his work station.

"I think we should have a party. You know, it's been too long since we had a party Bruce. We can dedicate it to the Ultron protocol." While I like the idea, I'm uneasy about how big a Stark party will be.

"We keep it small, we don't need any curious people snooping around." Bruce says, and I agree with him.

"Let's set it for the day after tomorrow, give us some time to prepare." Tony says and claps his hands together. He then turns and walks out of the lab, leaving Bruce and I alone.

"What do you think of all this?" I ask, not having a moment alone with Bruce since we shared taquitos. He runs a hand through his hair and shakes his head.

"I mean, I want to create the Ultron protocol, having the Iron Legion operate independently would be a huge success. But I understand what you're saying, and I agree. We just don't know how this is actually going to operate when given a host. Tony was saying he wants to integrate Jarvis into the framework and see how it can operate or evolve from that." Bruce says and I raise my eyebrows,

"That's the first I'm hearing of this. But it may not be a bad idea. We already know what Jarvis is, it would be better than just giving the framework nothing. Then we could measure how it evolves and responds to stimulus" I say, not hating the idea. I chew on my bottom lip, debating whether or not I should tell Bruce about my plan.

"Bruce, can you keep a secret for a little bit?" I ask, deciding to just run it by him.

"Sure, what's going on?" He asks. I pull out the paper and hand it to him.

"I was thinking I can use this to help eliminate the Winter Soldier programming." I say and give him time to read over the paper.

"Well how does the Soldier programming work?" He asks.

"In a nutshell, when the trigger words are said in a specific sequence it causes a deeply conditioned response in his brain. First, the dorsal anterior cingulate begins to go dormant, or become less active. Then, the insula and dorsolateral prefrontal cortex begin connecting with each other overtime, these parts of the brain helps someone process and control their body. The programming takes this over and fires the synapses very quickly making it difficult for the brain to keep up with itself and be able to correct the movements, it makes someone lose control over their body essentially. Lastly, the programming causes a reduction of connection between the dorsolateral prefrontal cortex and the medial prefrontal, along with posterior cingulate cortex areas of the brain. This reduction in connection causes a person to become disconnected from their actions, they become less aware of what they're doing. If I can find a way to implement an algorithm to the framework and put it in his mind I think it would negate the Winter Soldier programming. It would recognize the trigger words and stop the Soldier programming from being successful, it could regulate his brain functions and stop the programming before it can start." I give Bruce the simplest but complete answer as to how the Winter Soldier programming works.

"That was in a nutshell?" He jokes,

"Yeah, it's about the simplest answer I could give you." I smirk, happy he's not upset with my thought. He looks over the paper again.

"I think it could work. Give us some time to see how this actually works and I'll help you if you need me to. I won't tell Tony, I know how he'll take it." Bruce smiles and hands the paper back to me. I tuck the paper back in the drawer.

"Thank you, Bruce." I say, appreciative that he's willing to keep it secret and help me. This makes three things that I'm keeping from Tony.

We walk out of the lab together and as we step onto the main floor I smell something absolutely delectable. I make my way to the kitchen quickly, my stomach rumbling from the lack of food. I see boxes of food on the counter.

"I don't know how to cook so I thought we'd just order." Steve says. I nod my head,

"That is fine with me." I grab a slice of pizza and sit beside Bucky, who's on the couch adjacent to the kitchen area, in front of the fake fireplace. I nudge his arm with a smile, happy to see him.

"Miss me?" I ask, knowing we both have missed each other. He meets my eyes and nods his head,

"I always miss you. It's boring without you around. Steve and I can only throw a ball for so long."

"Well Tony is throwing a party the day after tomorrow, maybe you two can spend tomorrow preparing for that?" I suggest, not knowing what Tony considers a small party. Knowing him it's probably around one hundred people or so.

"A party?" Bucky asks.

"That's what he said." I take a bite of the pizza.

"I haven't partied since the 1940s." Bucky smiles, liking the idea.

"I think this might be a little different than a 1940s party." I say with a small laugh. I'm sure he'll adapt just fine, he seems to be a natural socialite when he wants to be.

"Maybe we'll go dancing again." He smiles.

"We can definitely go dancing again." I say. The dance we shared seems like it happened ages ago. I finish off my slice of pizza and debate on getting another, it's been a long day in the lab. I go to get another, deciding that I deserve it after putting up with Tony's attitude all day.

"Are you going back to the lab tonight?" Bucky asks.

"No, I think we all need a little break. We're picking up in the morning. Can we have a relaxing night?" I ask, looking over to him, his eyes light up.

"Yeah, of course. We can find a movie or something." He says, it sounds like a lovely idea. We both take the elevator up to the second floor and I go to my room,

"I'll be right over, I'm going to get into something more comfortable." I walk into my room and put on a pair of cotton shorts and a t-shirt that have been laying on the floor for a few days. I put some socks on and go over to Bucky's room. He's standing in front of the tv with a remote in his hand, a confused look on his face.

"How do you get the movies?" He asks, looking between the remote and the tv. I grab the remote from him and show him how to pull up Netflix.

"It's okay, sometimes it takes the elderly a while to understand new technology." I tease him as I give the remote back.

"Wow that hurt my feelings." He says, a smile on his face. I've missed joking around with him.

"Now please pick a movie in color, I don't want the black and white oldies." I say, going to sit on the right side of his bed.

"Now you're taking it too far." He sends me an unamused look, causing me to laugh.

We settle on a comedy movie and Bucky sits on the other side of his bed. I stretch my arms as the beginning credits start and feel tension in my shoulders. I lean my head to the side and rub the muscle.

"Come here, let me." Bucky says, motioning for me to sit in front of him on the bed. I scoot over so that I'm sitting in front of him, between his outstretched legs, and I feel a warm hand on my right shoulder, a cold one on my left. The difference in temperature makes me shiver, but it feels nice. Bucky works out the tension in my shoulders, his hands working slowly yet deliberately. I feel my eyes becoming heavy the more relaxed I become.

I feel his hands leave my shoulders and he pulls me back so that I'm resting against his chest. My head rests on his right shoulder, I feel his arms envelope me in a hug. I keep my eyes closed, enjoying the comfort I've longed for. If I weren't so tired I'd probably move and say something about the boundary, but I'm at peace, this feels right.

The movie plays in the background and becomes white noise for me. I feel Bucky's lips on my left temple, placing a gentle kiss. I feel my face become warm, I don't protest. I drift asleep in Bucky's strong arms, savoring the tranquility.

[jill-1234]

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。..・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。..・。.・゜✭

I took a listen to all these songs a few days ago and they really spoke to me. I could easily relate to each and every one of them. Most of my relationships have never worked out due to either long distance or there was something wrong with it. It hurts because sometimes I feel like I still have feelings for some of my ex's even though I have moved on. I've experienced heart break way too many times to count to the point where I've gone so numb to it. I'm gonna be real and open. I'm honestly scared to get into a new one. The last relationship I recently had was with two girls and again they didn't work out due to long distance or that there was a lack of communication and the parents were homophobic about it. I'd say the first real relationship I ever had was 8 years ago with a boy I truly loved with all my heart but for some reason it just didn't work. To this day I still have no idea why we broke up in the first place. We were young and we probably didn't know any better back then. I admit it. I have fallen so head over heels for someone (not going to say who) at first I thought I was just infatuated with him but no. There's definitely a strong attraction there. I just doubt we would even work out. That it would even last if by some miracle. They don't realize that I would do anything for them. That I would treat them better. That I'd spoil the living hell out of them. I'd give them everything they need and even give them what they want WHENEVER they want. Both physically, mentally, and emotionally. The fact that I think about them every single night drives me crazy and sends me into so many bubbly feelings that I just can't explain it. I like them as a person so very much. I wish they could see that. It's been so long since I FELT this way about anybody. When I realized I was starting to feel this way I didn't know what to do about it. I still don't know what to do what to do about it. My emotions and hormones are everywhere & raging like you won't believe. I don't even know if I would be their type or that I'd be way out of their league. I think everyone has that fear. This makes me feel a tad bit nostalgic with my first love when I was 16 because this was how I exactly felt when I was around him. That spark. You recognize it right away. It's an incredible feeling and I have forgotten what that truly felt like to have for a guy. Would I be willing to try again? maybe. Still there's that risk. The risk of getting hurt all over again. I'd be willing to take that risk. It's been a long time since I've had strong intense feelings for a guy in general. I know. It's honestly sad. I haven't even expressed how I feel to them because I'm scared of rejection. That I wouldn't be good enough. That it would never last between us due to the whole distance thing. I've cried about it so much at night. Somedays I want to scream and just tell them how I feel. In the end there's a slim chance they probably wouldn't have time for a relationship but we all take that chance right? I guess you just never know until you try. I've been pretty emotional this past month about it. It honestly feels like I'm stuck in this large bubble that I can't escape with so many feelings and questions popping in my head all at once, leaving me scratching my head in confusion. Feelings are very hard. Why must they be complicated? why can't we just blurt out how we feel to the person we love so dearly? why do we back out at the last minute? why do we feel insecure? it's human to feel that way. Man do these songs hit me right in the fucking feels because this is exactly how I'm feeling right now in my current situation.

I was debating if I should even post this on here but you wanna know what? sometimes you just have to let those feelings out or it's going to eat you alive the more you hold it in. Whether it be through music or on a platform. Anything can help with that. Writing is a great form of expression and I've learnt that along the way as an aspiring author. So with whatever you're going through write it out. Let the words flow. Trust me it'll help you. I know we don't know each other very well but I want to get to know you. I'm too shy to message you first. I want you to know that you can talk to me about anything. Even if we just talk for a few minutes during the day it makes me so happy to hear from you. Literally. It does. If only you'd let me. I don't think you understand how happy I get when I think about you in general and that I like you for just well being you. I just wanted you to know that.

I'm sorry.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。..・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。..・。.・゜✭

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。..・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。..・。.・゜✭

❝Fire and ice. You come on like a flame then you turn a cold shoulder. Fire and ice. I want to give you my love but you'll just take a little piece of my heart. You'll just tear it apart.❞ Fire and Ice - Pat Benatar

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。..・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。..・。.・゜✭

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。..・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。..・。.・゜✭

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。..・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。..・。.・゜✭

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。..・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。..・。.・゜✭

BTW

I'm leaving social media for awhile. I felt the need to vent and just let my feelings out in someway shape or form. I'll return when I feel up to it. I just need time alone for the sake of my mental health. If anyone needs me I'll most likely be on Quotev. I'll see you all soon.

Peace and love!

-Jillian

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。..・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。..・。.・゜✭

Credit goes to their rightful owners for the gifs and videos.

[thirstyforjaviersass]

His Smile | Chapter I

Summary: A very angsty fic, super angsty. It's sad, I teared up a bit writing this. A bit too much. This was one of the first Game of Thrones fics that I ever wrote a couple years ago, never got around to finishing it. Well now I will be so here it is. This fic is kinda about Robb Stark x Talisa. There is barely any Robb Stark x reader in here.. so... reader is so madly in love with the man but he gets swooped off his feet by little miss Talisa. It begins a little before the 'Red Wedding' where reader watches as their love falls deeply in love with another woman, reader watches as time goes on and as things slowly become madness. They watch Robb die at 'The Red Wedding'. So be prepared for the tears.

Warnings: Lots of angst, sad reader and stuff. Some spoilers are also in this post so if you haven't seen that much of GoT and don't wish to see any spoilers than I think it's best that you hop on to another location. lol Of course there isn't many spoilers as it is only chapter one.

A/N: Look... I really wanted to post a fanfic on here, I've always wanted to. I abandoned my Wattpad account and my AO3 account has been dead for a while. Now that I don't have a job anymore I have more time to post fanfic again. This is my first fanfic that I will ever post on here so I'm excited. So please, if you have anything in mind, let me know. Your thoughts on the fic? Suggestions, requests? Maybe even some constructive criticism. Go ahead!

There will be two or three parts to this, though it all depends if anyone ends up falling in love with the fic. I will make another chapter. Or if it gets more than ten notes, the more encouragement the better. My friend offered to edit any mistakes, so thanks to him it should look a lot better than it did previously! Thanks, bestie! ^^

Also Posted Here: Posted on my AO3, link is here: Clickie!

Word Count: 2677 Words

The smile he gave her and the way he touched her made it hard to watch. All this time you had been in love with him, it made you blind to the fact that he never once had a shred of an infatuation towards you. It was painful to watch their gentle, sweet interactions and how his eyes lit up every time he saw her. He loved her.. You could tell, he loved her and you hated it. Why did you have to love him so much?? The constant rejection you'd receive from him ever since he met her hurt so deeply. It hurt more than you could convey and all you did was watch…

Before he met her, you were happy, the constant flirting made you think he felt the same for you. You guessed you were wrong. He was only using you. That thought tore a hole straight through your heart. To think this kind, beautiful and understanding man could just use you…

You didn't think that you could ever forgive him. But then again, Robb was your friend, or at least you thought he was. Maybe he just needed someone to play with until he found another person to destroy entirely. 'That can't be right, he's nothing like that. He's so sweet, he always was. Maybe it's just me, maybe I'm the one playing with his emotions..' You thought, negative thoughts never letting up.

Thinking positive was all you could do, though that still didn't do a thing. It didn't heal your broken heart and it didn't make things easier.

"It has to be.. Why else would he be so distant…?" You spoke out loud, shaking your head while you attempted to mull over those sickening thoughts which had plagued your mind for so long. The jealousy in which you felt towards a woman you barely knew. The guilt which ate away at you when you thought about how kind she truly was. You would let out a sigh, defeated by your thoughts, only wishing to leave the training grounds to which you stood in as you watched the troops train with one another.

They seemed like they were doing well. Quite skilled to say the least. But you would shake your head, way off track. You had sighed once more, turning towards your tent, only to bump into the very people you didn't want to see in the slightest. "What are you talking about (y/n/n)?" You had gazed up at the voice of the man speaking, admiring the way the blue eyed man smiled. Admiring the way his lips formed into the most beautiful smile you eyes had ever seen. 

You gazed into his eyes, blue like the ocean. It reminded you of the thick waves which would cover anything in its wake. It reminded you of the scent, the calmness in which the beach had brought. You almost smiled at that, stopping before you even dared and shaking yourself out of your trance. 'Why must he call me that?? I don't want to hear it anymore!' The thought almost escapes your plump and almost swollen lips. The constant biting on your lips wasn't helpful, the stress far too much to bear.

You turn to his left and see that woman again, her eyes shining with curiosity. "Nothing, my lord.." You say. We were about to leave before you felt a slight tug on your wrist which made you cease movement. Not enough to hurt but enough to make you stop in your tracks. "I thought I told you not to call me that, (y/n/n)!" He giggled, making you cringe. 'Why must he continue to call me that?? Especially in her presence?' He frowned when he saw your face, removing his hand from your arm gently. The way he studied your face, the way his gaze had fallen once you made eye contact. 

It struck a blow to your heart, but you wouldn't have it - "Are you alright, (y/n/n)? You've been acting differently lately, more different than usual. Is something going on?" His gaze would return only to speak as if nothing had happened, as if this wasn't bothering him at all. You cringed again, turning around once more. You wanted to leave - You wanted to get away from this man as soon as possible. But your heart rate would quicken, the pain would only worsen once your eyes met with his once more.

Avoiding his gaze, you would reply simply. "I'm fine, I just wish to be alone, is all.." Your plea surprised him, but he nodded nonetheless. He acted as if nothing was wrong. It frustrated you greatly. You almost grumbled while you attempted to remain calm. "Alright, just please tell me if you need anything. I'm always here if you need me.." The sound of his slight disappointment shocked yet saddened you. You didn't expect to hear anything like that. 

Especially not now of all times. Especially since he acted as if nothing had happened... but you continued on either way, bowing before you would turn on your heel and head back to your tent. "Thank you, my lord.. Goodbye now." You replied, not even daring to show the slightest bit of emotion in fear of raising more questions. You made sure to keep your eyes away from him, walking towards your tent.

///

The look he gave you was almost heartbreaking, you hated making him feel that way or anything besides happiness. Robb's a great man, and you care for him. Seeing him with her just made your feelings worse. The heartache which tore at your heart was enough to strike you down as soon as you entered your tent. Talisa is sweet, you couldn't ask for someone else, especially when she makes him so happy and never hurts him or his feelings. But the pain which scoured throughout your heart made it difficult to breathe as you collapsed onto the ground, heart beating painfully and erratically.

You were barely able to sigh out, having lost so much air in that moment and feeling a slight tinge of regret as you thought of Robb's sad features. He seemed so sad, maybe he noticed something? Of course not. He was too naïve to notice when someone was suffering, let alone pay any mind. He may have been sweet, but that didn't mean he was very observant. Especially not in matters such as this.

////

You thought of the way Robb gazed at Talisa, the soft smile on his face whenever he saw her. You thought of the way that he held her, the way he would whisper sweet nothings into her ear. You imagined the way he once held you, the way he used to smile within your presence. The joy that once grazed at your heart each time you felt him near. The way your heart skipped a beat at even the thought of him. The way he once wrapped his arms around your waist. How he used to kiss your cheek lovingly. A frown would emerge from your face, a small tear sliding down your left cheek as you pictured his wonderful smile as he stood beside you.

You missed all the times you shared with one another - you missed the feeling of his arms around you, the thought would cause your hand to wrap tightly over the other as you attempted to drown out your thoughts by lifting your hand to take another swig at your wine. The sound of the music filled your ears, listening to the bards play peacefully…

But the sound of Lord Frey's voice would interrupt you from your final moments of calm. The sound of his voice was invasive, but you wouldn't let it show as you sat still in your seat beside Talisa. You thought it might be best to get to know Robb's new wife. They had gotten married some time ago. You watched the ceremony with a monotonous expression, almost no feelings towards the situation at all.

If anything, you were tired of crying - you were tired of constantly reminiscing on events that would never happen again, Robb found his happiness and all you could do was allow it to occur. There wasn't anything that you could do now or in that moment. You had spent that night drinking, consuming as much wine as your tired and weak mind could control. You had passed out in your tent early that morning, completely drained from the night previous.

Now you sat in the dining room of the Frey's dining hall, drunk and almost hopeless. You had heard the sound of Talisa's voice, turning her head away from Robb as she had just now focused on your behaviour. You seemed weak, unwell and it seemed to have worried her quite a bit, based on her facial features. Her mouth was situated in a frown, her eyes held something close to pity as she studied you. You were about to respond but the sound of skin on skin contact and the sound of Catelyn yelling out her son's name would distract you both as you turned to see what was happening.

The sudden ruckus had distracted you both long enough for a man to run up behind you and stab Talisa in the stomach - as if he had no heart whatsoever. The scene in front of you would cause you to gasp out, hands placed on your mouth as you froze for a moment. He stabbed her once - twice, three times before you were able to move from where you were and grab onto his arm with all your strength. "Y - you monster, how could you do such a thing??" You questioned. The man attempted to pull away, but your grip was strong enough to pull you both onto the ground as you got on top of him.

Arrows began flying as men's throats were slit left and right - you could hear Talisa cry out as she would attempt to pull her chair back. You rolled out of the way. Before long the chair would fall onto the man who stabbed her. Rushing to your feet, you ran to Talisa's side - but before you could reach her, Robb caught your line of sight.

You watched as multiple arrows pierced through him, a cry of fear escaped your throat, some tears would fall from your eyes as you moved to grab Talisa before she could fall onto the ground.

Your tears would fall as you slid down, onto your knees before Talisa. A pain exploded within your heart, watching the scene around you. All you could see was violence. Death… and the sounds of raw, unhinged screams. "Talisa - I'm so sorry... Please.. I beg you - " Your pained voice echoed throughout the hall, mostly hidden by all the screaming and groans of pain which echoed throughout the dining hall. From your peripheral vision, you could see Robb dragging himself towards Talisa, standing up for a moment once he was close enough and falling to his knees in front of her. 

His eyes were filled with black misery. You could see his tears forming, about to fall at any second. But it was too late, she was gone. She felt cold to the touch, her skin pale, eyes wide open like a bug dead on the floor.

You felt as Robb moved his hands towards her. A hand on her stomach as he lifted Talisa from your lap and moved her towards his own with the saddest gaze you had ever seen. You ignored the sounds of Lord Frey's voice, watching with tearful eyes as Robb gazed into Talisa's wide orbs.

You would jump once the sound of Lady Stark's voice filled the room, your gaze falling onto Robb's mother as she held a knife to some poor girl's throat. A bloodied hand would move to your mouth, a look of shock plastered on your features while you attempted to stifle your fear-filled breathing. "Let it end!" Catelyn shouted, her voice filled with anger and grief while her deranged eyes stared daggers into the proud lord's own.

Her voice was mostly drowned out by your overbearing mind while thoughts of fear, distress and even sadness filled your mind. You knew this wasn't likely to end well. That the King of the North was to likely die any time soon, along with yourself and everyone else. 

You were almost welcoming death in that moment, not necessarily afraid of your watery eyes landing onto Robb. Cateyn's voice was filled with desperation as she cried out for her son to get up from the floor, begging him to leave the room to escape. Tears had already slid down her pretty cheeks, a look of grief shared by you as you gazed sadly at the desperate mother before you.

"And why.. would I let him do that?" The Frey lord asked, what seemed like a sarcastic or puzzled tone as his gaze had moved to the screaming Lady Stark. She had turned to him, her gaze transfixed on him, dagger piercing deeper into her hostage's skin as she yelled out a response. "On my honour as a Tully..! On my honour as a Stark!" Lady Stark's gaze remained on Lord Frey, her tones were menacing, demanding even. She had a wild look about her, angry and yet grief struck at the scene around her.

You felt a lump in your throat, almost forcing yourself to swallow it in an attempt to conceal your undeniable sadness. Robb didn't seem to react to anything. It was as if he were frozen in time, lost in the gaze of his love, Talisa. An act that would surely be his downfall, you were certain of that. There was a look of fear in your eyes, expression still remained the same. A frown displayed on your face, eyes still as wide as Talisa's while you stared closely at Robb. 

"Let him Go! Or I'll cut your wife's throat!!" Catelyn threatened, voice willed with complete and utter rage. Her voice would ring through the bloodstained hall, brave as ever while she stood there, hand pulling the poor woman's hair back, her knife pressing harder into Frey’s wifes neck until a small trickle of blood leaked out.

Robb had stood up around that time, placing his deceased wife down as he called out to his mother. The Frey lords voice was ever so amused. 

You stared mindlessly at the ground in front of you, mind completely deserted from the goings on around you. Your heart was in pain, your mind could not take it any further. You had tuned out everything around you, not taking notice of the man standing behind you with a dagger ever so sharp. He had pulled you up, yanking you to your feet before laying a hand onto your left shoulder and pulling you into the blade he swung into your back. You let out a soft moan of pain, your vision darkening, one of the last things your eyes bare witness to was the figure of Robb turning towards you before falling to his knees.

Everything went dark - the sounds of fire drowning out any voices which you likely would have heard if you were still aware as to what may have been happening around you. All you could feel was your own blood pool around you once your body had hit the floor. The ground was hard, and it became increasingly difficult to breathe. 

You had let out some shaky breaths, your rapid heartbeat filling your ears, counting each beat before it finally stopped in its place. You no longer heard the sound of the fire, or the sounds of your beating heart. You could no longer feel the blood pouring around you and you could no longer feel your breath leave your lungs. Who knows where you were now, but surely it was a far better place than it was here. A bright light welcomed you, the sound of hurried footsteps filling your ears.

[ocean-anchored]

Dear future self... March 10, 24

Dang these last two weeks have flown by. I'm going to try not to make this too long, but a lot has happened. So after my last post, I had spent Friday night with Amber, we went out for sushi together to review our book club book we finished. It was a really great evening. We really hit some good topics of discussion. We had highlighted some things from the book & then expanded on it. We talked about being a perfectionist & how to help your brain out of that rhythm of negative talk. We discussed some more areas where our childhood molded us into how we thought today & we actually talked about God & religion. How being humble & grateful was such an underrated thing in this world, that it seems though that's the main thing that really gets you through, good & bad. It's kind of amazing. How being grateful really gets you through some tough times, it's probably the main thing that has gotten me through everything it has thus far with God's strength. Then we went back to Ambers and played some board games with Naythan. Saturday I spent the day cleaning up & prepping for fam to come over for early dinner. Mom, Steven & amanda came over. We had dinner & played some games, it was really good to spend time together. It really has been a long time since we've all been together. I ended up telling them that night about Coleson. I was so nervous. I had kind of worked myself up to a point of feeling like maybe I would chicken out but I prayed & just asked God that if there was a good time to share it that I would be able to. Obviously it turned out really good & their reactions were really reassuring. I think because they know that I wouldn't bring anyone up unless it was serious. I've never introduced them to someone outside of Travis, so I think they know that I'm actually proud of calling him my boyfriend. I ended up driving out to Coleson that night, even though it had blizzard all weekend. The drive wasn't too bad. When I got there, he had all the lights off & had candles on his dining table with a bouqet of flowers & a hand written letter. I just about melted. It was so special & I haven't felt that special in a really long time. Honestly, the way he treats me is just... something else. He's so respectful & honoring. I really can't even thank God enough. I read his letter which he had planned out to tell me he loves me. Never have I said I love you so quickly to someone but man have I felt it... to every degree. I didn't know you could really love someone so quickly, so deeply. If I'm honest, in the past, I've said it more so when I've been infatuated with someone or just really enjoyed them & time with them, but has it really felt like true, deep, breath taking love? No, It's definitely never compared to this before. We spent Sunday relaxing & he showed me around the farm. We went for tacos & then to a church service at 6:30pm. Again, never have I gone to church with someone I love. It was a new experience & a new feeling. Something that I've really been looking for for so long. I met his cousin Frankie, she was incredibly sweet. Went for ice cream after & then went to meet his parents before home. I was pretty nervous to meet them, not that I've had any parents not like me before but this felt different. I was a bit intimidated, I think part of me feels like maybe Im out of place here? yet it's all I've ever really dreamed of. I think I just don't feel like I'm living my own life because it's really just a dream. His parents were really sweet. His mom is hilarious & I really think that we'll get a long really great & his dad is a bit quite but I think it was good. Monday we both worked, it was nice to stay during the week to get a feel for what life would be like on a day to day, not just a weekend.

[flwrsuh]

have you ever thought on writing based(?) on dress or getaway car? by taylor ofc it could be of anyone from txt, enhyphen or skz i don't really care, I know I will read anyway 🤪

ps: I really really love your blog and i probably read everything in here shsjsjsjs

dress — kang taehyun

pairing ; taehyun x gn!reader

warnings ; none that i can think of!

a/n ; i loved this idea sm- thank you sm for requesting !! and thank you for your support of my blog !! it means so much to me <3 i'll probably write one for getaway car at some point too, writing this series is my fav. this was kinda rushed i'm sorry !! i'll try to post something better very soon !!

also i'm so so sorry i haven't posted in forever:( i've been crazy busy with work and just haven't had time, but i'm gonna try to post sort of regularly !! i missed u guys <3

~~ not proofread !!

❝ our secret moments in a crowded room, they got no idea about me and you, there is an indentation in the shape of you, made your mark on me, a golden tattoo ❞

you and taehyun sat across from each other at the dinner table, your closest friends surrounding the two of you. they all had no clue just how infatuated with each other you both were. not breaking eye contact from your best friend of many years, you joined into the conversation your friend group was having, not really interested in what was being said, though. he had such a hold on you, even when he wasn't around; it was all-consuming. what you didn't know, however, was that he had always felt the same way about you.

❝ all of this silence and patience, pining and anticipation, my hands are shaking from holding back from you, all of this silence and patience, pining and desperately waiting ❞

the love you shared with him was never spoken out loud, never fully disclosed. this meant never knowing exactly where you stood with each other. it had always just been stolen glances and kissing in dark rooms; silent and secretive, away from all prying eyes that would try and define the complicated relationship. it was hard to hide all of this from your closest friends, of course, but what was even more difficult was the constant wanting and desperation for taehyun that you could never outwardly act on, forever wishing you could scream your feelings from the rooftops and tell the world just how you felt about your best friend.

❝ say my name and everything just stops, i don't want you like a best friend, only bought this dress so you could take it off, carve your name into my bedpost cause i don't want you like a best friend ❞

you had thought it had always been painfully obvious how you felt about him, the way your breath caught in your throat every time he would brush past you, the way you would take in his appearance for a bit too long, but it seemed that nobody else had caught on just yet. you never wanted him to be your best friend, you wanted so much more than that with him, and he was utterly clueless about it all.

❝ inescapable, i'm not even gonna try, and if i get burned, at least we were electrified, i'm spilling wine in the bathtub, you kiss my face and we're both drunk, everyone thinks that they know us❞

there was no escaping your feelings for him, but at least a part of him belonged to you. it was worth the risk, all the pain you would feel if all of this went horribly wrong, the months of potential heartbreak you would have to endure; you didn't care about any of it. you had him; he was at least somewhat interested in you, and that was enough.

❝ flashback when you met me, your buzz cut and my hair bleached, even in my worst times, you still see the best in me, flashback to my mistakes, my rebounds, my earthquakes, even in my worst lies, you still saw the truth in me❞

in the years that you had known taehyun, he had always been there for you. if you needed anything at all, someone to drive you to the airport, someone to help you decide what to buy your mom for her birthday, and most frequently, someone to help you through a breakup. you had certainly been unlucky in love, always being cheated on, broken up with, ghosted, you name it, you’ve experienced it all, and taehyun was there with you. it pained him to watch you time and time again be let down by less than average guys, knowing that he could and would treat you so much better than anyone else. he was your rock, your number 1 supporter, and you were the love of his life.

❝ and i woke up just in time, now i wake up by your side, my hands shake, i can't explain this❞

[onlyforthebabes]

✨HL playlists by onlyforthebabes✨

(Edited to include 🎵when you know you know (HL6), 🎵close enough to touch (HL11), 🎵burnt romances (HL13), and 🎵too far gone (HL18))

This post is long overdue, but I've finally made a master list of all the HL playlists I've published here. They're listed in the order I created them, so there are some gaps in the numbers where I haven't posted (or maybe even finished) some, but I'll update if I ever publish more! I've put a lot of thought and time and love into these playlists, so I really hope y'all find something to enjoy here.

✨🎶

🎵a truth so loud

HL. The OG. A canon inspired playlist based on some of the most iconic H/L songs. (ft. 1D, Troye Sivan, Ed Sheeran, Lorde)

🎵honey (make this easy)

HL2. There’s no denying the chemistry between them from the moment they meet - so they don’t even try. While discretely hooking up with a fellow X Factor hopeful sounds like just another part of the fun, it’s hard to ignore that this thing between them is way more than physical, and “X Factor hopefuls” has become wholly inadequate to describe where they’re going. But in the midst of all the chaos, it’s hard to resist something this good. (ft. 1D, Hozier, Lizzo, Carly Rae Jepson)

🎵no matter how sweet, no matter how brave

HL3. New fame, new friends, new feelings. Jealousy gives way to mutual infatuation, which evolves into steadfast love. Growing up too fast doesn’t feel so scary when you’ve got someone to hold onto. (ft. 1D, Fleetwood Mac, Niall Horan, The Head and the Heart)

🎵Entirely

HLFOUR. Coming soon. (ft. 1D, Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson)

🎵when you know you know

HL6. It's all about that one person... (ft. 1D, Maria Mena, Yellowcard, Beyoncé)

🎵one foot in sea and one on shore

HL10. A traveling sailor whose sense of home is the familiar warmth of local bars, a charming bartender in a seaside village, and a brief affair that leaves them both longing for a life far from everything they know. (ft. Regina Spektor, Bright Eyes, Feist, The Format)

🎵close enough to touch

HL11. Love can be frightening, for sure. (girl!direction) (ft. 1D, Louis Tomlinson, Hozier, Jake Scott)

🎵sunset couldn't save me now

HL12. Part-time suburban youth, summertime neighbors growing up together and blurring the lines of love and friendship; chasing dreams, traveling the world, and figuring out that sometimes home is a person. (ft. Sufjan Stevens, Vampire Weekend, Regina Spektor, Neutral Milk Hotel)

🎵burnt romances

HL13. A canon-compliant au where everything goes wrong, but love finds a way. (ft. The Weepies, Lewis Capaldi, Bleachers, The Head and the Heart)

🎵fell in love with the fire

HL14. Harry's long since accepted that fame comes with a closet. But a chance encounter with a friend from a past life may change everything (or, an au about identity, fame, missed connections, and giving love a chance) (ft. Florence and the Machine, Maren Morris, St. Vincent, Sam Smith)

🎵trip and i fall in

HL15. Undeniable chemistry turns a spontaneous hookup into fast friendship (with some pretty nice benefits). They know from the start it’s not exclusive, but that doesn’t stop anyone from catching feelings. (ft. Zayn, Ariana Grande, Brockhampton, Selena Gomez)

🎵learning to breathe

HL16. Harry and Louis have always been best friends, even within their close-knit group. Closeted, small town kids with little experience, an innocent first kiss turns into an agreement: to experimentally "date" in secret until high school ends. When it’s time to move on, they do. But as the years pass, they can never quite figure out how to let go. (ft. Maisie Peters, Julia Michaels, Lana del Rey, Lauv)

🎵too far gone

HL18. Love, illness, religion, and fear. A kiss between friends on a quiet winter's day changes everything. (ft. Sufjan Stevens, Brand New, Haley Heynderickx, Phoebe Bridgers)

🎵if i'm butter...

HL19. Louis’ an art student who spends his days wandering the city in search of inspiration while his hot-but-elusive craigslist roommate works ungodly hours as a baker. When the pandemic hits and the two near strangers are suddenly quarantined together, they find themselves growing closer in more ways than one. (ft. Relient K, BENEE, Fiona Apple, Samsa)

🎵pretend it isn't strange

HL20. A hopeless wanderer, lost and disillusioned with life, finds himself taken in by a small mountainside community: a friendly local band, a safe place to rest his head, and a stranger who makes it feel like home. Together they learn to let love grow. (ft. Wild Rivers, Ben Howard, Town Meeting, Birdtalker )

🎵yesterday (when you were young)

HL21. Coming soon (ft. Jon Bellion, AJR, Raleigh Ritchie, fun.)

🎵coming up lavender

HL22. New friends who feel like old ones, long drives home up the coast, and finding love in every color. Or, a girl!direction college road trip au (ft. Gretta Ray, dodie, Ingrid Michaelson, Mitski)

🎵it is what it is (till it ain't anymore)

HL23. An impending marriage, a secret affair, and either fate or bad timing. Harry and Louis fall in love one summer in rural Georgia. Years later, they meet again. (ft. Shania Twain, Kacey Musgraves, Gregory Alan Isakov, Andrew Bird)

And lastly, the playlists I've made based on other peoples' stories:

nothing but you on my mind 🎶for Nothing But You On My Mind by @absoloutenonsense

Louis Tomlinson is a PR manager hired to improve the image of royal bad-boy Prince Harry Styles. Unfortunately for him, that means being faced with the Prince's constant innuendos, incessant dirty jokes, and relentless flirting. Louis just wants to make it to Princess Gemma's coronation; once she's crowned Queen, his contract is up and he never has to see the Prince again. (ft. dodie, Julia Michaels, Dermot Kennedy, Lewis Capaldi)

little by little 🎶for Little by Little by @absoloutenonsense

Harry Styles is an omega who works at the London Planetarium, has lived in the same flat for ages, and is happy enough on his own. When he gets home from his first (horrible) attempt at dating in years, a new pregnant neighbor knocks on his door after smelling his cooking. He and Louis quickly become close, but their friendship gets complicated when Harry begins questioning who he is and what he likes. Or Harry discovers figuring out who you are is more complicated than a potato metaphor. (ft. Jordy Searcy, Bruno Major, Lizzy McAlpine, Sleeping at Last)

love after the end of the world 🎶for Love After the End of the World by @mercurial-madhouse

When staying alive is already a constant battle, the deadliest weakness is to be in love. For Harry and Louis, finding each other sits on top of the endless list of What Else Could Go Wrong. (ft. Bastille, Hozier, Fall Out Boy, Lorde)

[sizzlingpatrolfox]

jikook has also lost magic for me (though I'm still trying to be updated.haha). like you, I've seen videos and pictures of them that at first looked exclusive to them but then I realized it's just normal. I see this mostly on JK, cause JM is more transparent with his fondness of JK. the skinship, the stares - JK does this to everyone, I even think with skinship he's sweeter to the others than with JM. what I haven't seen yet with others is the soft tones they use with each other.I also think they still spend so much time together compared with the others. I love their bond, what they have or had.I'm just not sure if they are or ever were a couple

Yep, I agree with several of the things you said, about JK skinship and stares. You don't understand how important it was to me in 2019, there was one time I felt like crying because of how much LOVE there was in his eyes while looking at Jimin. That changed at the end of 2019 tho and like I said it was so important to me that I guess I noticed every little change and I literally felt my heart breaking when I started noticing that JK pretty much was looking at everyone in a similar way. There is a difference in the amount of time he spends watching Jimin, but I don't think there's much difference in the way he looks at Jimin and the way he looks at anyone else nowadays. Jimin has always been more transparent for me too. For other people, JK is more transparent. That's okay but it's not my experience.

For me too them spending so much time together compared to the others is telling. Not that it makes them a married couple but it is telling. It speaks to how much they like each other. You can love someone and not want to see them a lot lmao. But usually you go to the people you like spending time with. Well in short I've said before how within BTS, they are each other's person. At least when looking at every relationship in BTS and what I've learned all these years about the general dynamic of the group, jikook for a while have given me that impression. That they're each other's person within that larger group of people. Does that make them a full established couple? I dunno. It doesn't have to, it can be that they're just friends. Kindred spirits (I thought of that and I remembered that Jimin actually wrote soul brother in JK's festa profile). Do they have the same relationship with other people who are not in BTS? Probably yes. Probably not.

Without considering their relationships with other members, and JK skinship and all that and how it has impacted and somehow "weakened" my belief that they were together, apart from that; being realistic, no matter their relationship, something like the latest periods of silence, of almost no public interactions, it kinda makes sense considering how long they've known each other and have been friends. It's honestly surprising that the infatuation and the childlike excitement in their interactions lasted for so long... It was literally nonstop for like three whole years.

There's also the fact that the nature of their schedules changed with COVID. Almost all of their schedules were public or semi public and now all of their schedules are private.

It's not that I'm ""over"" them, it's just a change of perspective. A change that I welcome tbh, because right now, if their 'silence' becomes louder and their interactions go down to zero, it would not hurt as terribly as it would've hurted two or three years ago.

PS: this is the look that I remember made me tear up, I've mentioned this moment before in another post but I couldn't find a link and I still can't find a link of the moment alone, but it is briefly shown in this video at the very beginning.

[intrepidmare]

JAIME x BRIENNE FIC EXCHANGE RECOMMENDATIONS

Well, I have read about half of the fics in the @jaime-brienne-fic-exchange and these are my favorites so far. Seriously, guys, if you haven't read any of these stories already, you must! It's incredible how much talent is in this fandom. 

PS: I don't know/couldn't find everyone's Tumblr, either because they have a different username than on ao3 or don't have a blog here. If you recognize someone else's or your own work that I didn't @, please let me know and I'll edit it 😊

Let me begin with the fics with a love that transcends time and death.

(The first is the story that was written for me!! Please, guys, go, read it, and give some love to the extremely talented writer that came up with it! Words fail me to explain how amazing this fic is. Go read it and then you'll thank me for the rec.)

This is where we start again by @forbiddenfantasies1    

Explicit | chapters 8/8 | 40.7k words | past life au, modern setting, canon compliant

Brienne and Jaime had never met, but when they come together to work on a new project, they realize their connection may have been generations in the making.

Or in which Jaime and Brienne meet, begin having flashbacks to their ancestors lives, and are forced to figure out where they went wrong before they can determine how to make it right.

This life and the next by atomsandfairies    

Teen and up | chapters 6/6 | 8.2k words | historical setting, modern au

“Do you ever wonder how old our souls are? How many times we have missed and met? How many times we have come together?”

The questions have turned themselves over in her again and again, as long as they’ve been together, before he’s asked, before they’d even found each other.

There is a familiarity between them that seems too old for their time together.

Angstfest addicts, these are for you. Get ready to get beaten with feels. Don't worry, despite heartbreak along the way, all ends well.

My honor in your hands by @aviss    

General | one-shot | 2.8k words | hurt/comfort, missing scene, book canon

Jaime lasts the better part of a day before the silence gets to him.

By hearts and hands made fast by anonymous  

Mature | chapters 4/? | 10.1k words | 8x04 canon divergence, secret marriage 

»But he’d held her wrist even then, thumb stroking, Marry me, he’d said, marry me and never acknowledge it if you do not wish, but marry me as I should have married you that night and every other. If I’m to die, he’d said (with her, he had not), let me die as your husband.«

A grand romantic gesture has repercussions neither Jaime nor Brienne had foreseen.

Lies in the darkness by aleighcarlisle    

Mature | one-shot | 4.4k words | angst, hurt/comfort

"Hurt me with the truth, but never comfort me with a lie."

Man With a heartbeat by @sigilbroken        

Explicit | chapters 5/5 | 25.5k words | modern au

Angst is not your cup of tea? No problem. You should try the following. Only laughter, happy feelings ahead.

This one last thing by @aliveanddrunkonsunlight

Mature | One-shot | 13.3k words | Canon compliant, Post-ADWD, bed-sharing

Most tasks needed of a knight, he has been able to adapt to with only one hand, but he struggles with striking flint in order to start a fire. It would be easier if she was here.

Jaime and Brienne journey to the Vale.

What loves you back by @bookishpower    

Teen and up | one-shot | 11k words | fairytale-ish, post-canon

A retelling, and a continuation. Jaime learns the great lesson of his life.

That Would Be Enough by forpeaches (bluecarrots)

Mature | One-shot | 2.2k words | Canon compliant, Post-ADWD

Jaime, pining.

The unwitting third wheel by @nightreaderenigma (I should've known this was you!)  

Mature | chapters 4/4 | 17.8 k words | post-ADWD, canon compliant

Whilst recovering on the Quiet Isle, Podrick develops a crush on his mentor and heroine, Lady Brienne. The only hiccup in his bubble of infatuation is their new travelling companion – Ser Jaime Lannister. Because even though M’Lady Ser and the Golden Knight argue, there seems to be a bond between them he can’t quite place…

Warm by @angel-deux-writes      

Teen and up | one-shot | 13.5k words | canon divergence

Before the battle against the dead, Jaime volunteers for a routine patrol with Brienne to try and get some time to talk with her about why she has been avoiding him since he arrived at Winterfell. When a storm catches them unexpectedly when they're still far from the castle, they find a cave to hole up in for the night.

Way enough by laihiriel

Mature | chapters 3/5 | 10.8k words | modern setting, sports au

Brienne had forgotten how much she loved being out on the water. Joining the local boathouse and sitting in a scull again after her accident was the best thing she could have done for herself.

Because of you (i took my time to come around) by Weboury 

Teen and up | chapters 4/4 | 14.7k words | Modern setting, road trip, bed-sharing

Jaime, curator at the Tully Museum, wants to spend more time with Brienne, and maybe finally work around telling her how he feels about her. When Brienne, a historian, is tasked with retrieving the legendary sword Widow’s Wail from King’s Landing, Jaime thinks it’s the perfect time to put a plan in motion, only to find himself with Brienne and his cousin Cleos on an awkward road trip across the Riverlands. And then a goat shows up.

Kaleidoscope sky by allison_wonderland      

General | one-shot | 1k | modern au, carnivals

A terrible day, an unexpected stop, and drifting closer together.

Backpfeifengesicht by @samirant        

Explicit | one-shot  | 18.8 k words | modern au, enemies to friends to lovers

Backpfeifengesicht

(German) n. a face badly in need of a fist

See pictured: Jaime Lannister.

Brienne, Jaime and the Accidental marriage by @angel-deux-writes  

Teen and up | One-shot | 10k words | modern setting, reporter au 

Best friends, co-workers, and roommates Brienne and Jaime were supposed to head to Greywater Watch to cover a local festival for the newspaper at which they both work. They were NOT supposed to get married while they were there.  

Those who seek to find by @ice-connoisseur  

Teen and up | one-shot | 22.3k words | Jumanji au

But anyway, that was how it started: Arya found the game, and Sansa rolled the dice.

When you play the game of Jumanji, you win or you die.

In better light by winterkill   

Mature | one-shot | 17.7k words | canon divergence, post-ASOS

Perhaps Cersei was right, and every ounce of sense and bravery Jaime possessed was lost with his hand. Sansa Stark is my last chance for honor. He really said that to her? Brienne latched onto the sentiment like a hunting hound to the scent of its quarry. 

Before dawn, Jaime rises from his bed, wide awake and with a sense of renewed purpose.

I’m going to go with her.

If you're looking for adventures a little outside of the law, check these out  

Codename: kingslayer by libkat 

Mature | one-shot | 2.4k words | modern au, thief au

The world's greatest jewel thief is after his biggest score when he encounters his toughest opponent, who might also be the love of his life.

The Knight and the thief By @ddagent (this is the only one I guessed the author right. I knew it was you, Kelly) 

Teen and up | one-shot | 3.6k words | Modern au, burglar au, hurt/comfort

Jaime Lannister is rich, handsome – and a jewel thief. His next target is the home of Brienne Tarth, where he might finally find something worth stealing.

Last but not least, for those who like to hang out with creatures of the night, this one is for you

Into the spider's web by @jailynnW   

Teen and up | one-shot | 4.5k words | vampire au

Jaime has been a Vampire for centuries, dancing in and out of the grasp of his hunter. Brienne is tasked with taking down the Kingslayer. A mission that brings her more than she bargained for...

Hmm, it doesn't look bad that I'm going to do shameless self-promotion now that I've recommended the work of others, right? You know what? I don't care if it does. So here it is the one I wrote 😊

Made for you by me (Mare9548 on Ao3)

Teen and up | chapters 4/4 | 9.6k words | modern setting, arranged marriage

Despite his reluctance to get married, Jaime Lannister is having dinner with his future wife tonight. Quite a surprise he gets when he meets the woman that his father has chosen for him.

I'll come back later with more recs once I've gone through the rest of the amazing stories in the collection.

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