#i havent drawn for myself in a while or just in general

[smengart]

lots of sketches while i get reacquainted

[ganondoodle]

Hello 👋

Swallowing my nerves at last to send you an ask! I was just wondering, what inspires your designs? Are their inspirations in stuff like movies or games? Or just things you come up with yourself?

i .. honestly its kinda hard to tell, sometimes i just randomly think of something, like some detail, or color combination and try to incorporate that into a design somehow; it can come from anywhere, like the color scheme of a pithaya/dragonfruit is something i have been wanting to make a design with for ages but havent come up with anything good in all those years ;O;

im a very easily fascinated by color, espeically in nature, like sometimes i just stop and stare at something like i froze in time bc i just woooooooooooooah color! i probably look like a weirdo doing that though

its really hard to pinpoint anything specifically, the most is probably .. other artists? i guess? which always makes me nervous bc my memory is shit in most areas of life and i worry myself to pieces whether i unintentionally "stole" an idea and just dont remember and think it was my own, it goes further that sometimes i see something that makes me want to draw a similar concept but dont bc i dont want to 'steal' even if that couldnt be further from my intention (have been accused of that before ..)

that said for my ocs specifically .. most are rather old and have just kinda evolved out of their awkward first iterations (shargons first iteration was a hauro-howl- copy that was really just some human covered in feathers .. another oc was once a hellboy copy but in green- havent drawn nor redeisgn them in ages lol), the biggest inspirations for them is a mix of animals, bonus if you dont see them often- im a big shark, whale and sea creatures in general nerd so i tend to take from them as a priority but always trying to be less directly animal and mostly just .. features that work together

Eadrya is one of the newer OCs- i started to write but then looked at my folders and oh they are from 2017 .., i even made a design timeline for them how much they, and my art, have changed back in 2020, so thats also way outdated now lol (they apparently started as a whale .. thing? its like a pokemon evolution lol)

this is them now (i like this sketch still, though shargons design is now also outdated lmao)

this ones from early 2023 so also outdated now but you get the point

for demons i try to be a bit more wild on shapes and colors while still adhering to the rules of how they work (humanoid form, demon form, animalistic, one element each and more or less made to fit that, 4 arms is very common, look to be bost scary and wild but also something that would make you stop in tracks and stare in awe and fear if you crossed paths)

often times designs just kinda .. happen, i have maybe the idea ok i wanna make something with a white and red pattern also moose or those big horned cows are cool and kinda scary so maybe sth akin to that (though this one is technically a redesign too- its also pretty much entirely different)

for non demons but still non human i go for a much more restrained design, mainly inspired directly by an animal and giving the color scheme a good spin, plus adding unconventional body shapes, like ki'ita is also a good example, her old idea was just orca anthro pirate and just by making the white green instead in her most recent redesign already adds that little spin to it

that can have its pitfalls though, as i often fall into the big arm small head small legs scheme over and over xD

alot of it is trial and error, deciding on the colors can take me hours bc im always searching for my little rule of having one contrast color that shows up in very few places to draw attention to it (like with Eadrya its those bright yellow eyes and thingy at their tail)

and that is all about myy own ocs, when its fandom stuff it works kinda similar though, either in the connections i wanna draw or just thinking it further- like how deities in destiny work also just kinda .. happened like an ever derailing train

like for demise i was at first really just im gonna give him horns bc horns are cool and he got those on the starting mural in the game- so how his hair work? well maybe it isnt hair actually and just unbound energy, im making him a deity too and fit hylias design to his so, yeah, then so how does it work, ok he gotta have a skeleton still, but what if his entire actual body is made up of pure magical energy with its core in the ribcage? with the core in the ribcage >:3c and the scales you see are just like cooled down lava as an armor bc his thing is fire and earth !! the normal blood? is a thin layer of skin imiated from mortals to keep the scales together and flexible so if he ACTUALLY gets hurt hed bleed magic that looks more like lava and any normal blood you see is just the armor- so why does he have a skeleton still instead of being just energy? maybe its gotta be bound to something OH and what if all of the deities started as mortals like a mirror to the trio later on and the gods cannot have direct influence to the worlds so they needed a right hand that is neither god nor mortal but both by killing a mortal by whatever their element will be (demise burned, hylia drowned etc) and their skeleton and spirit is kept but put into a body of magic- OH what if their spirit core is like almost piloting their bodies like a mech in a way bc if youd look close youd see that every strand of magic is actual a hand of their spirit so it makes it more weird and other bc hed be able to reach out with thousands of burning claws of all shapes and sizes like the beheaded forest god at the end of mononoke- SO if hed lose and arm or something all those strands would untangle and rearrange his bones back together-OH MY GOD the whole armor idea works so well for ghirahims dark armor so what if demise had two swords once and lost one and since has forged an armor similar to his own for ghirahim out fo fear of losing him t---

and that all is a process that happens over several weeks and months not rarely while i am drawing something mindlessly and suddendly *have a thought* and omg that makes so much sense-

so "what" inspires my designs? an ever derailing train of thought about making cool thick monsters that arent the evil thing to get rid of for once? cool color schemes? idk it just kinda happens??

[ari-birb]

Hey, you got any advice for someone who seriously wants to start drawing again but can't find motivation or inspiration? I saw your Live2D project (looks incredible by the way I'm really excited to see how she comes along) and figured I'd ask since I wanna get into making models as a hobby

im also someone that often finds myself lacking motivation a ton, and find it hard to draw id say the best way to get into drawing more though, is draw what you like the most, especially if you find yourself lacking general motivation. practicing fundamentals is important of course, but, especially if you're in a rut or lacking motivation, draw things that you want to draw if you havent drawn in a while though it may be hard and might need a bit of a forceful shove on your end to get going, but even a tiny short sketch is alright, and once you get started it becomes easier to draw more and more

and its ok to leave a drawing "unfinished" and make purely personal sketches, and its ok taking breaks last, as far as learning models, i spent a tooon of time watching videos from multiple artists, other tools to help with that is to look at the pre-made models packaged with live2d, or if any artists provide sample or practice models to use. also take advantage of the free/trial version of live2d especially while you're just getting into it; its got enough features for basic model making and can give you plenty of practice - ive seen some artists make fully developed models using only the free version

im not sure if the advice is any good, but I hope you're able to beat your artblock and start drawing again! i only recently began getting over a period of it myself, so i know how it feels

[for-gilded-cups-are-empty]

Katalepsis after live-read thoughts collection

So, now that im caught up about in time for book 1 to end, i am just regurgitating half-thoughts ive had along the ride, doing some retrospection and working my way through all the stuff i still want to draw.

I think thats one of the big things i really noticed and appreciated about katalepsis. Theres just drawability to it. I havent decided yet if its Hungrys writing style in general, the genre, or most likely, a characteristic of Heathers that got me to figure out i can use my laptop as a drawing tablet. Heather in her internal monologue just has a real appreciation for spaces.

A space is rarely a backdrop to do a scene in, the places and buildings and dimensions are characters to heather in a way that just makest a lot of sense for someone who grew up seeing the personified spirits of the everyday world as well as the varied wilds of Outside.

When the Stairwell trap is sprung, theres a very real feeling of betrayal, the willow house has forsaken raine and heather, who previously thought it a sanctuary.

We later learn that the space was bound, artificial, forced to act against its inhabitants in a way a house usually would not, which fits some themes that come up waaaaayy later.

I originally thought this would just be a quirk of heathers, some flavor to her thought processes, but it really did get picked up as an actual story beat, not just an aesthetic, with the soul of edward lilburnes house.

The Outside places are a bit more metaphorical about this, but strangely more clearly alive as well. The Library is an extension of the catalogue, wonderland is dominated by the eye. Ooran Juhs Projected space is his own physical gullet. Carcosa is the stage of a living play. The very first outside space we get to properly see is on the back of some giant creature, hairs and all.

Theres just Personality to every place that keeps them all so very, very vivid.

Ive been planning to draw wonderland ever since the mirror incident at the very beginning of the story, and in a very funny way, as ive drawn other stuff along the way ive been training for wonderland and the eye along with the cast. I really want to do it justice.

Staying on said cast for a bit, ive already talked about raine for a good bit, but theyre all amazing. I was always happy to see that an arc or a few chapters would become a cast members designated backstory time, because i really do want to know more about them and how they work as people. After about the middle point of the story though, those moments and how they connected became pretty hard for me to keep track off

For a reader who was along for the ride since the start, having to wait between chapters as they come out, the pacing probably works way better than it did for me.

I found myself really wishing for more time with the spookycule in each stage of development it had. Early katalepsis with just raine evee and heather is probably where it was the closest to ideal for me, in terms of just vibes i enjoy and things to keep track of.

I dont want to be too analytical, im bad at that, but for example we only see the fractal used to banish a sharrowford cult servitor once.

There could have been way more time spent in the twilight of magic, the street level zone, where every accidental slip outside is a moment of grand terror, and heather learns to live with the idea that the spirits are real.

For someone who gets called “Shaman” a lot later on, we only really see her asking a spirit for directions once (the wrecking ball hands gorilla), where i was expecting that to become a very integral bit of her kit as a character. I love the cephalopod changeling we got instead, but i do feel there could have been a heather who learned to work with her non brain pain vomit inducing abilities for practical reasons, at least for a little while.

After that comes the Messenger demon and maisies message. Knowing the rest of the story, i love that the primary motivation set up here has jack and shit to do with Ed or Alex. This isnt a story about killing the bad guy, its in a very serious way a story about love and that is what should motivate the characters.

Ed and Alex really are just invaders to the story, who grasp at threads that should not concern them at all, with their meddling eventually causing the collapse of Alexs portion of the cult under the Eyes gaze.

I dont quite know how much actual space is in between Kimberly and Zheng joining the household, but this is really the part of the story where just a lot happened at once. We get both badger and sarika, the entire abyss transformation and zheng so very close together.

During the time of the dead hands there is actually some breathing room though. Mostly because set dead hands keep us consigned to a breathable atmosphere for a bit.

The other big stretch of story that i wish lasted longer is the post proposal journey with sevens and saldis through carcosa. Given how time works outside, that whole stretch of time could have really stretched for a while without threatening the maisie limit, and i do wish that some of sevens later character development had happened in here, since i didnt quite know what to think of her after they left the palace, whereas right now in the end she is one of my favourites. I still dont know what i think of the king in yellow being in this story at all, but thats a me issue.

Yeah, so given that most of the smaller thoughts ive already posted in the liveread chat, i guess ive now covered my two big thoughts. I love how katalepsis treats spaces, and the only thing i had any problems with was the pacing, which tbh might just be because i didnt take my time when reading at all.

Time for even less structured thoughts now, just a rapid fire of things that come to mind after reading:

I hope we eventually get a perspective on the worlds cosmology from a mage fully unconnected to the vaguely interconnected british underworld of mages, im very curious how deeply different interpretations of outside, the abyss, demons and beyonders a person might have if they never interacted with the humunculus wars environment. The abyss beeing wet and aquatic seemed to be a general truth, to edward, zheng and even lozzie, until we met taika for example. I want to see more of that.

I said earlier that sevens has become one of my favourites, which is kinda stupid since most characters are my favourite at something by some measure, but Raine and Evee are still the two that are the most meaningful or connected to me. Ive already gone into maybe too much detail on how Raine just works in a way that ive never seen portrayed in anything for some reason. What i havent really realized until about now is how similar evees struggle is. There is that same need to feel useful. They both define their fundamental self via a skill that is in some way repulsive to them for whatever reason, and must cling to another to point them in a direction where they feel they can use it to do good. Evee has to feel useful, has to justify her presence and her dangerous knowledge to herself to some degree, and helping heather is how she does it for now.

The fundamental difference i think is that Raine chose to define herself that way, as knight errant, as supporter, while evee feels any other option to act on the world was taken from her by her mother. This mostly takes the form of her physical disability often stopping her from acting in time, reaching places, but also stopping her anorgasmia seemingly stopping her from loving in the way she thinks is correct (at that point of the story at least. Both of those are changing of course, mostly thanks to Praem).

It kind of lines up with Kimberly in a funky way, since she essentially decided not to use sorcery to justify her presence, both in the house and the story, but still remained around and appreciated, as a sort of in universe counterpoint to evees negative view of herself.

Thats all i can think of for now, i dont actually now how to end this, this isnt a sotry analysis, i have no conclusion except that im glad i caught up so close to the end, because im excited to see all of us react to whatever crazy shit is going down live!

[autisticempathydaemon]

Busybee my dear, hello from a fellow queer trans asain! i would love a matchup if its not too much trouble for you :3c

What song are you currently fixated on?

Oh my god, my friends and I have recently started making monthly playlists and it’s one of my favourite things to do; just curate a playlist over the course of a month!! currently its a load of fnaf living tombstone music BUT I’ve also been obsessed with The Distance by Cake? As a drummer, i absolutely adore the bass of this song!! Or Super Bon Bon by Soul Coughing has also some absolutely amazing drums!! Apart from that, I’m generally in love with everything Crane Wives BUT particularly for this month, the song Back to the Ground is so delicious!!I would put my fave lyrics but then i might have to transcribe the whole song lol. Just- the entire vibe and meaning of the song is so good (like most every crane wives song ill be honest)

Enneagram type?

Oof oh i havent done thay quiz in a hot minute but last i checked i was a 9w1 which definitely speaks to my lazy ass lol. I’m also an INFP?? I’m also a huge DND nerd so I have taken the alignment quiz and im chaotic good id that helps in any way HAHAH!!!

favourite Redacted audio?

100% the whole of avior and starlights playlist. absolutely devastating. i had to pause the playlist several times and lie down for a minute because i was so absolutely insane abt them. i love them so deeply. I’m definitely more drawn to the more plot heavy characters and arcs as compared to like ashers or davids which is more like cute couple moments (not that they dont have plot but its like. ashers playlist vs marcus’s ykyk) but that being said my favourite video of all time is probably elliots HBS video!! He is my favourite boy i will not lie i am so utterly obsessed with him and i would absolutely write pages upon pages abt why i love him and why his character is so my favourite for the ever.

fave platonic boy?

ASHER !! OR GUY!! I love silly dudes and they are peak silly boys. honestly i could see myself being best buds with Guy because we’re both so dirty minded and very clingy silly?? but there are also aspects where i would balance him out, like while i do love being chaotic i also understand the importance of just stfu and being silent every once in a while so i thunk there wld be times where there ARE shenanigans but also times where hes rambling my ears off and i can just sit. and listen. And I do love the hc that Guy plays DND and now i can absolutely imagine us playing dnd together OR binging dnd playthroughs. AND for asher, I feel like i wouldve had a crush on him because hes so like silly but also hes such an absolute sweetheart darling and hes so endearing that u just cant help but love him yk? but it wld be one of those friendship crushes that just means we end up being super close.

what gets the big boy a-snoozin?

anythin thay involved peoples voices. like straight up listenin to people talk absolutely sends me straight to dream land asap!! its kinda specific though like, if its a podcast? I can’t listen to those. the voice quality just sounds different from like a video of someone talking?? to me at least. And i can only fall asleep to videos of people talking (which is lowkey how. i got into boyfriend audios in the first place. amen insomnia). so now i have a sleepin playlist that consists of boyfriend (and girlfriend) audios, video essays about SCP’s and internet drama (shoutout to the right opinion) and also dnd playthroughs!

do u like long form video essays??

I LOVE VIDEO ESSAYS ABOUT SCP’S. i put them on when i cook!! I love ones that just talk abt the SCPs cause some are truly mind boggling and world shattering! I also listen to video essays abt youtuber drama because im not better then that and also a lot of them have quite impressive video editing!

Imaginary friends?

I think as someone who started watching horror movies at a very young age and is also super obsessed with horror movies/books now, i fully believe that if you had a imaginary friend as a child, you’re absolutely cursed and haunted and u need to be exorcised asap. (/j) no my parents were always super realistic with me and told me point blank that santa wasnt real, imaginary friends were only for mentally ill kids, and the only real big guy is the big boy in the sky. so. no imaginary friends BUT i did and still have a teddy bear (very creatively named bear bear) and i used to cry when i lost him.

i think thats it! i hope. thats enoigh haha. oh, some extra stuff abt me! I love cookin food, it’s very fun if not incredibly tiring, plus im perpetually broke, so tryin to cook up my favourite restaurant meals is also fun! I love drinks too (firm believer that every meal NEEDS to have a drink to accompany it) i’m a particularly huge fan of bubble tea (before it was cool ok) i did try to make my own bubble tea but it got really time consuming and not worth it. i love collecting plushies, i have about 10 in my room and yes they absolutely trigger my sinus but its so worth it. i love gamin and one of my first big boy buys was a gamin PC that i used to play Stray, Sims, Minecraft and most recently, FNAF! please pray i save up enough to get BG3. ٩( ᐛ )و

ok now thats really enough! thank you for this!! even if u dont get round to doin a matchup for me, thanks for lettin me ramble abt my interests :3 the questions are actually so fun hehe <333

Oh, I really like you. Not just because you gave me a lot of info to go on but because you and I have so much in common! Us queer, trans, Asian Type Nines have to stick together which is why I’m so pleased to pair you with Lasko.

I know I say this all the time, but it’s the perfect amount of similarities and differences that make a good pair in my opinion. I think your shared love of DnD, your introversion, your queer trans identity (because Lasko is queer and a whole allegory for a trans childhood, bless his heart) would be a great foundation for a solid relationship. Yet, it’s the differences that bring the spark like your love of horror where he would be squeamish or your chaotic good to his lawful.

I have such clear snapshots in my head of what your relationship would be like; if only I were an artist. You remind me of @itsdaifuku’s lovely piece of Dear as a guitarist and Lasko watching, starstruck, from the crowd; that would be you but as the drummer. I also love to imagine the two of you in the kitchen: you cooking, him mindlessly grading papers, an SCP video on, and Lasko looking up aghast when he finally tunes into what you’ve both been listening to.

Song:

I mean she even cooks me pancakes/ And Alka Seltzer when my tummy aches/ If that ain't love then I don't know what love is/ We even got a secret handshake/ And she loves the music that my band makes/ I know I'm young but if I had to choose her or the sun/ I'd be one nocturnal son of a gun

Sorry but not sorry, I’ve projected and given Lasko my elder emo taste in music. It’s cute, it’s iconic, and he’d know all the words- shyly, sheepishly joining in if you start rapping along with it as you cook. I like to imagine 2000’s emo music brings out a silly, karaoke-esque exuberance in Lasko, and then you could be silly together.

Runner-ups:

Milo is one of your runner-ups because (and I know I say this all the time too) it’s so fun to pair that scaredy-wolf with a horror buff. Everything he’s learned about SCPs has been against his will and because he loves you. Hudson is a runner-up because I’m obsessed with pairing musicians with DJ Anxiety; he’d love you and your drumming so much.

note: thank you so much for waiting 💕 I’m glad you had fun!

Read this post and send me an ask if you’d like a match-up of your own! 💌

[pepsimaxolotl]

11, 14, 29?

idk why that text is so big, i cannot seem to change it

11, 14, 29?

yeah i had that issue to! You just need to add text next to the number

11. Do you listen to anything while drawing? If so, what I have a spotify playlist im slowly building up with almost all music i listen to ever on it, and I listen to it when I'm doing anything. (I literally just stopped listening to it cause i was sensory overwhelemed) I wont be dropping it because i feel very self concious about my music tatse. However if I need a different pace or if I'm in front of someone i usually just pull up video game osts. Splatoon, stardew valley, hollow knight and general nintendo compilations are go tos.

14. Any favorite motifs I feel like I havent been creating enough for myself to feel like I have any motifs in my drawing super present. So ¯_(ツ)_/¯ Funny creatures?

29. Media you love, but doesn't inspire you artistically

A big drive to any media I get into is the artistic merit. Its a good chunk of why a lot of my media is animated shows and video games (generally things that are drawn) and music I like inspires my writings.

To me the gap between like and love is wether it inspires me artistically.

I really wish I could give you a half baked answer but everything I think of has me wondering wether I do draw inspiration from it or just agreeing its definately a like. Best I can do is avatar the last airbender but now that I think about it I've definately pulled creative material from it in the past.

Sorry for vaguely dodging all your questions! I am an enigma to me and just generally anxious fdauds

[frogischeese]

we need more demi representation. i have heard way too many people dismiss our sexuality and experiences because they misunderstand what it is and think that it is just "normal" and what everyone has. NO ONE IS NORMAL!!! if you feel the same as me, great! but dont dismiss my sexuality or say it isnt real because it isnt as big as being aro or ace, or any other sexual orientation. all of us deserve to be valid, not just the ones which are spoken about more. so, as some form of education i want to talk about what my experiences are like as a demiromantic and demisexual person. everyones experiences are different and i understand that, but i just want to do some form of story time to rant as this is really getting on my nerves

being demiromantic seems a lot like what the "norm" is and sounds a lot more allo than being demisexual does. as a demiromantic, as you would expect, i cannot gain crushes. one time i thought i had one but after watching jaiden animations video of her experiences as being aroace, i sat down with myself and asked myself whether i would want to kiss my "crush", or hold hands with her. and i was disgusted with the idea. in reality i was just very hyper about this person, but all i wanted to do was talk with her as i thought she was a very cool person. i never felt actual romantic feelings for her, i just got very excited and fixated. my demiromanticism also effects how i see people. jaidens video also made me think "wait, people actually just go "oh wow that person is so pretty i would love to take them out someday" ??". as that seemed so, strange to me and such a foreign concept? for me, i know this sounds cliche, but in reality it is true. i see peoples personality before looks. and in my eyes, they directly influence each other. someone that i think is a cool person looks a lot more attractive to me than if i didnt know them, or if i disliked them. i know this as many people have commented on pretty people with me but they look really unattractive to me as i know what kind of person they are. it isnt like, a logical thing where in my brain i go "oh i dont like them, so i wont say they look good". it isnt a concsious thing, it literally just happens for me. i noticed this of course mostly platonically. someone that i dislike that looks conventionally attractive will naturally look much worse than they would if i didnt know them. i am in general a very judgemental person but that doesnt take away from the fact that this happens. the moment that really made me feel completely confident in the fact that i was demiromantic was when i met my partner for the first time. they looked fine to me, i didnt even, think about their appearence at all. it was only a while into speaking to them they looked incredibly attractive to me. i know that a lot of people talk about valuing personality over looks, but what people misunderstand about demiromanticism is it isnt a choice for us. it is just a thing that happens. and due to this, i dont understand dating culture. for allos i have seen some people want to be romantically involved with someone they havent even met before just because they look pretty. i do understand being naturally drawn to aesthetically gorgeous individuals, but there isnt a romantic drive or insentive for me. i do also feel naturally drawn to attractive people! i just dont have the urge to ask them out, just to get to know them.

when i was reading up on asexuality and the different umbrella catorgaries, i stumbled upon this one. since it is quite similar to what allos feel i didnt think i had anything. finding the actual term for it made me face what i really was and it helped me feel a lot more confident in who i am!

as a side note, i came across this tik tok which was this demi person talking about not understanding cheating, either sexual or romantic. and i completely agreed with them, i didnt understand it either, and just listening to someone else who was demi talk about what they were feeling helped me feel better about what i was feeling. as well as him, i also dont have a "type" and didnt understand why people wanted specific traits in their future partners. all i thought was, "well, fluffy hair because its nice sensory", but i knew i didnt really care either way? (the video is below and it describes demiromanticism in a lot better way than i can x3)

(and this one is him responding and talking about being demisexual)

(and i forgor to add jaidens video so, throws at you) (it is a very good video for aros and aces, and just people in general !)

now in terms of being demisexual, it is more simple! there is more i would want to say but i will be brief as this is quite personal.

as a demisexual, i cannot feel turned on by anyone that i am not romantically attracted to. i dont understand hook up culture, and frankly, i dont really understand the need for porn. i relate somewhat to aces experiences because it feels quite similar, but at the same time i feel bad as they are a lot more marginalised and discriminated against than we are.

at the end of jaidens video she says that aroaces feel ostrisised for being so different from the other orientaions, and this is no slander against her i love her!! but it just shows how under represented umbrella catogaries of aro and ace are. most people dont know that they exist and i recommend looking into it if youre questioning even a bit as it can help so much. learning about what we were feeling and finding a label that fit us made us so much more confident in the way we feel. you dont need to find a label or define who you are, but there are so many subcatogaries of aro and ace that are barely spoken about, and just learning about them may help you feel better about everything.

education and representation of more nuanced orientations is just the way forward in my opinion!

[k00299935]

BRIEF THREE- MOVEMENT

Week 2- Painting

Painting series ~ "memories"

Feeling inspired by Anita Tango, I wanted to paint a few pictures that represented the memories and emotionsa spirit would encounter while on their journey through the afterlife. The spirits must confront all memories they made while on earth in order to move on, so this series represents just that.

"The inner child"

This peice represents childhood. Its mixed media and I had a lot of fun with it. The sweets are real and have been glued down, the numbers, stars and butterfly are stickers, the flowers are felt that I sewed onto the canvas, and the cat drawing was drawn on paper and stuck on using thumbtacs. I wanted this painting to feel nostalgic and a bit forlorning, to make one think about when times were simpler and the only things they had to worry about was what crayon they were going to use to draw a cat. I really love how this peice came out, and it has a lot of hidden little details that relate to my own childhood.

"Light"

I have often wondered what it would be like to feel no worry at all. With how difficult things have been for the past few months, this is a fantasy I have often. A day where I wake up with no anxiety at all, and carry no weight on my shoulders. I thought about times where I felt joyful with no worry, and my mind always went back to the beach. Last summer me and my freinds visited our dear freind Amy in Traelee and stayed at her student accomodation. That evening we decided to go to the beach. It was so beautiful. The beach was rather unknown so we had it all to ourselves and decided spontaniously to get into the water. It was absolutley freezing, but so exilerating. The waves were strong that day and crashed all around us, and we shrieked and laughed from how cold and wild it felt. In that moment it truly felt as if I had no worries. I felt completley light.

"Generational...."

I have moved around a lot. As a child I lived in an average semi-detatched house that we rented for about two years, then I lived in a farmhouse that was left to my grandfather by an old departed freind, then I lived with my grandparents (from my mothers side) before we moved countries, there are many more accomodatioms that I could list. The house I have ended up in however is my parents house, the one they built with my grandparents (from my fathers side) many years before they had children. The reference I used was an old picture from before the house was completley finished in which it snowed, it has never snowed at this house while I have lived here.

Bad things happen to everyone, Im certainley not unique in saying that while living in this house I havent faced hardships. I dont have a good relationship with my parents, this is something that has caused great pain for many years. Neither of my parents had good relationships with their parents either. It seems to be generational. While I never met the grandparents who build this house alongside my parents, it is poetic to me that three generations of......strained parental relationships have lived in this house. I can imagine the arguments that were had during the construction of this house, the tension, the anger. This house is almost a symbol of anger in a way. Last year my father realized he could use it as a weapon now that im 18, and he kicked me out. I slept on my freinds couch for a few nights, crying myself to sleep not knowing what to do or where I could go. I was allowed back after my mother got through to my father, but the house has remained a weapon ever since. He could kick me out again anytime he wants as the house is in his name, and he uses that against me. That is a cause of a lot of pain and anxiety. A lot has happened between me and my parents over the years, but getting kicked out solidified the fact that we will never have the idealized parent-daughter relationship that Im sure we all hoped to have. That hope has died, and can only be lived in my dreams.

"Those vibrant colours"

Despite being somewhat worldly with all the moving I did as a child, I only have a few favourite places. The beach, nightclubs, and the carnival. Ever since I was a child the carnivals were always my favourite part of summer. The energy, the excitment, the food, the rides, it all gave me so much joy. It still does, but for another reason now that I've grown up a bit. The colours. Colour is my favourite aspect of art. I am always trying to capture it in any way that I can, and last summer when I went to the carnival I must have taken about 50 thousand pictures if the lights that I saw eminating off the rides and stands against the night sky. Those bright colours were the most beautiful things I had seen in a long time. When I die I hope I get to revisit them.

[kendev]

⋆｡°✩ dev log 03 ✩°｡⋆

updates and general rambling under the cut!-

ok. havent updated in a bit but talking to myself. yeah. im very good at that. reminder that there's no rush to progress and things take time first of all Carly!

but anyways. first!) i've gotten a lot more character designs and motivations fleshed out but i can admit some routes definitely have a bit more poored into them than others atm and thats something im trying to fix. not force. just... add a lil something more yknow. bcuz there ARE many pieces of media like that where you can tell that a creator just had more care for one thing than the other and I dont at any point want to come across that way bcuz i do genuinely love all these characters, and I think they each deserve to be enjoyed and loved by someone that isnt just me! so I want other ppl to feel the love as well through ALL routes! not just a "Oh you can tell these handful of characters are the creators faves" So essentially not favoring certain kids over others like good parents would lol

secondly) I've started properly separating routes in different documents... lol. I'll be honest I had EVERYTHING. and i mean EVERYTHING all stored in one document. Names, notes on things, character bgs, clothing inspo AND the actual routes all on one big document. at some point i was like ok there needs to be some separation here. OBVIOUSLY. so I did that, and now i'll be able to actually say like "Oh Reapers Route is now currently at _thousand words making good progress there :)"

but yeah. theyre separated by:- -a document just for writing tips/advice/things to remember -a document just for character profiles (what they like, family bg, info like that etc etc.) -a document just for route plans. like an outline ig. briefly with notes like ok I want X character to have X arc, and X happens and progresses enough until they get to X -separate routes for each character in a diff document -and then just a main document to fall back on and compare notes or there's a few extra things there. like for example, im still not sure on some names. In this doc there's a section just for me to look at a long list of names i've saved to mull on later. :)

it's kind of still. a lot. but ideally more organize,, for me at least

third) lost contact with that one project manager i'd gotten </3 I still have their info yeah but ig due to the fact that there's not much I've given them info wise theyve left me to my own devices (which makes sense(?). but thats fine. I may reach out again when things are a little more fleshed out i suppose. I definitely do run off of compliments and people expectations unfortunately, so having ppl interested and asking things is what keeps me working. im not as much of a 'do it yourself for yourself satisfaction person anymore, I need outside sources to drive me so that I can feel like I'm actually leaving a proper mark on something

WHICH. I know is not good, but that's been my process while working on the game and most things. -I share a little tidbit (but not too much with friends or mutuals. -They express interest or tell me abt which characters they feel drawn too -I feel good and want to keep working harder! its like that and lastly) concerning things going on with the relationship between creators and other ppls entitlement to their OCs (which i will not name directly), that is something ive talked abt in depth in private but I would like to at least put this down somewhere one day in case anyone finds it. Please do not treat my OCs like they are yours. its much different as a small indie creator to have characters than to claim a character from a big company game or series is your OC. I'd feel so bad if people overlooked what I say and cross boundaries

[worldserasingandcreatinginmymind]

Useless | Kaz Brekker x Sister!Reader

Requested by @inquistitorebony​ : “Hey could you please do a kaz x Sister reader please where she has some medical issues and is really weak and gets inured on a job with kaz and he get all protective brother mode”

Pairing: Kaz Brekker x sister!reader, Jesper x reader (platonic)

Word Count: 1297 (I havent proof read because its late and im tired so this might change tomorrow)

Warnings: angsty stuff and sibling fluff

A/N: I didn't specify what the readers condition is so you can personalise that as you want. As always, spelling and grammar are not my strongest skills so please be kind :)

Masterlist

- - - - -

“We’re all clear on the plan?” 

The Crows nod in reply to Kaz and hurry off to prepare for the task ahead, leaving you stood alone with your brother. 

“What about me?” You ask

“What about you?” he replies as he gathers up the floor plans, blueprints and various other papers spread on the table.

“What do you want me to do?” 

“Relax. Read a book. Whatever you want to do while you’ve got this place to yourself” he walks away.

“Place to myself…” you stand up and follow him “No, Kaz, I’m coming with you!”

“Absolutely not. You're staying here and that’s an order”

“An order?” You laugh "Who do you think you are? The General?” 

He stops suddenly, turning to look at you.

“I’m serious Y/N. This job is too dangerous, especially with your condition.”

“My condition? What about you?” You gesture to his cane “If you can do it then so can I”

“You're weak”

“No weaker than you”

“Y/N!

“Kaz!”

You reach a stalemate as the two of you stare at each other, each waiting for the other to back down. He’s stubborn. But so are you. 

“I think she should come” Jesper breaks the silence.

“Stay out of this Jesper” Kaz warns, still not taking his eyes off you.

“Oh come on Kaz!” Jesper continues “You know she’s the best actor here…we could really use her help distracting the guards.”

“I could even use my condition. Guards can’t resist helping a poor sick girl. Please Kaz, let me prove I’m not useless” you flash your puppy eyes at him until eventually he lets out a sigh of defeat.

“Fine! But if your condition gets worse you head straight to the meet up point. Okay?” 

“Yes sir” you salute and he rolls his eyes before heading off to his office. You look over to Jesper, a big grin on your face as you thank him.

— — — — 

 The job had started off smooth. 

The guards completely fell for your ‘poor sick girl’ act and were fully distracted trying to help you. They didn’t notice Jesper sneak past the door or Inej scale the side of the building, effortlessly pulling herself up onto the roof. They did however notice the loud crash as something came smashing through one of the upstairs windows. The three of you jumped as you turn to see what had caused the damage.

Your heart sank as your eyes fell upon a familiar cane laying on the pavement in a pool of broken glass, blood covering the metal crows head.

“KAZ!” You yell as you make a run toward the building entrance but you're stopped by the on of the guards holding you back while the other sprints past you to investigate.

“I cant let you in there”

“Let go of me!” You fight to try and free yourself “I have to find my brother!” 

“You're brother?” The guard asks, holding you even tighter and you curse yourself as you realise what you’ve said “Was this the plan? You distract the guards while he robs the place?”

“Please let me go”

“The only place you're going is jail where you belong”

You fight again but you can feel your strength leaving you at a rapid rate. You swing your legs wildly and manage to kick the guard in just the right place. He yells and throws you down to the floor, your head hitting the pavement with a loud thud. You groan as you roll onto your back, clutching your throbbing head in your hands. Your vision is blurry but you can just about make out the guard looming toward you, gun in hand pointed at you. 

“Assaulting a guard is a crime punishable by death” 

You allow the pain to take over and let your eyes flicker shut as you wait for it all to end. 

The last thing you hear is a gunshot followed by Jesper calling your name.

— — — — 

When your eyes open again you're surprised to find yourself back home in your own bed, bright light pouring in through the window. You squint your eyes from the brightness as you look around the room and realise Jesper is asleep in the chair next to you, his head resting on the edge of your bed. You reach out and gently poke him awake. He yawns as he sits up. It takes him a moment to register that you are also awake. 

“Y/N! Are you okay? How are you feeling?” 

“Like I’ve done a full body workout. Ugh, why does everything ache?!”

“How much do you remember?” Jesper asks

“Fighting with a guard. Falling to the floor. He was going to shoot me…”

“He wasn’t quick enough” Jesper winks as he blows the tip of his gun, spins it around his finger and shoves it in his pocket. You smile at him, but then your eye is drawn to something behind him. A cane resting against the wall. Your memories come flooding back and yo sit up suddenly panicked. 

“Where Kaz?! Is he okay?!”

“Y/N, you need to calm down. You're still weak” 

“Where is he?!” 

“He’s…” Jesper starts but is cut off. 

“Here” Kaz appears at the door “I’m here” 

You jump out of bed quicker than your legs can carry you and stumble into his arms. He grabs you in his gloved hands and Jesper rushes to you, helping Kaz hold you up and lead you back to bed. Once he’s sure your safe he lets go of you, taking a small step back. Jesper sits next to you, arm around your shoulder as you cant stop the tears flooding down your face.

“I thought you were dead” you cry

“I thought YOU were dead” Kaz replies “when I saw Jesper carrying your lifeless body, it took me back to Jor…” he trails off, unable to finish. He takes a steadying breath “I’m glad you're okay” 

“Me too.” You say wiping your face “and I'm sorry. I guess you were right, I was too weak to go on that mission. I’m useless.” 

Kaz looks at you for a moment before looking to Jesper, silently asking him to leave. Jesper gives your shoulder a quick squeeze before getting up and leaving the room. Kaz fills the empty space next to you on the bed, taking a deep breath before placing his hand on yours. 

“You are not useless Y/N. You are brilliant.” He says and you look at him “I was watching you distract those guards and I was so proud. You live with your condition every single day and you never let it hold you back. On my darkest days I look at you and you inspire me to keep going, because if you can do it then so can I.” 

You give him a small, genuine smile which he returns as he squeezes your hand affectionately. 

“Now you go back to sleep, get your strength back up and I’ll check on you later” he releases your hand and moves to the door. 

“Thank you Kaz” you say as you get yourself comfy.

“Don't ever think you are useless Y/N” he says when he stops at the door and turns back to you “that’s an order”

You let out a small laugh as you salute him and he rolls his eyes. But you see the smile creep onto his face before he leaves and you drift back into a peaceful sleep. 

[st4rry4pples]

alas, i have made it back from the trenches (my toilet)

man, what is there to say? kate was the first real queer female representation i had seen in media, which was cool for little gay me. aidy has always been one of my favorites, she just has this loving and fun energy thats impossible to not make you smile. kyle is the most autistic non autistic person ive ever seen and i mean that in the best way possible. not only is he hilarious in all the weird shit hes done on the show but his creations outside of snl are amazing (watch brigsby bear!) and i cant wait to see what he does next (just please dont let it be dressing up as baby yoda dear god). and lastly, pete... pete davidson has gotten me thru some really shitty times. as a kid whos anxiety and hypochondria got so bad to where i couldnt leave the house, it was always cool to see a rad lad like him being so honest with his mental health struggles. ive been thru a lot with pete, all his rich fancy girlfriends, his movies. i remember one day at school i had felt depressed and completely burned out, so durinf my lunch break i watch (part of) his special alive from new york, and suddenly my troubles melted into laughter... until i would find out later that day that school would be shut down do to a pandemic 👍 but his comedy definitely distracted my anxiety for a bit which was cool. no matter his tone deaf choices in women, petey boy is always gonna have a special place in my heart :-)

now, where the hell can i start with you guys. im gonna be open here, i started liveblogging snl in feburary of 2020 (i know im ancient) then the pandemic hit and i fell into the worst mental state of my life. for once i didnt have an answer. i felt completely and utterly useless and didnt feel like i was living in my own body. every day felt the same. of top of that in august of 2020, a friend of mine took his own life. so adding grief onto my isolation made every day feel like a nightmare i couldnt wake up from... that was until i thought of actually doing something and getting in the snl liveblog tag again, where i was very pleasantly surprised at the community that had suddenly blossomed out of nowhere. at first, our crew was small, but it grew and grew with every month and soon it became a tradition i looked forward to every week. things had started to feel real again and i finally had something in life to look forward to even if it was just for an hour and a half every saturday (mid)night.

flash to a year and a half later and i can honestly say i am in the best mental state since i was a kid. sure i have my own set of problems and the world keeps getting wilder and wilder by the minute but i finally feel real yknow? im finally with my friends again and ive gotten so much better with my relationships and myself and balancing things (ok for the most lart i have a shit ton of work to do) hell even with work i finally feel an ounce of motivation, im even motivated to do stuff i like again like draw! i havent drawn reguarly in 3 years! i can honestly say that tuning in with you guys every saturday night has definitely made a difference more than you know. and while a big change may be happening to 8h, hell they got us through a big change and now its time for us to root them through one. thank you all from the bottom of my heart from hearing me ramble about my special interest, i wouldnt be who i am without snl or the comedy of the cast members throughout generations. its shaped me as a person and im proud to contribute to this niche little community :-)

i love you all, take care of yourselves, [insert an snl reference here im too tired to come up with], and i'll see you all in october :-)

[azumasoroshi]

okay this is kinda long overdue BUT i have many noumu hawks sketches and i just think they’re kinda neat

first sketch! note that the “BONE WINGS???” never became a reality, but I have entertained the idea in some other wips.

Bone wings are the coolest thing ever man idk what to say

and yeah the boa came from ujiko in the final because i don’t think dabi would have a feather boa hanging around and ujiko is just weird enough for it to be less questionable

the boa has no symbolism i swear its just a replacement for hawks’ fluffy coat

working on the face was. interesting

(this one made me giggle uncontrollably for about five minutes)

the eyes look better here LMAO

the split face was a cool idea, but i ended up not going with it in the end mostly because it looked kinda weird LOL

full outline!

one of my discord members said that hawks looked like he had little t-rex arms and i havent stopped laughing at it since

personally i was aiming for him to be copying dabi’s frankenstein pose, and i think it ended up looking more like the “is he....yknow...” meme so many different interpretations here it seems

the general color scheme! note the second pair of wings added lmfao

his claws look weirder every time i look at them but. these drawings were made in december give me a break

more sketches! these are pretty bad ngl (when noumu hawks has more of an ass than living hawks) but they give off the creepy vibes he was intended to have pretty well i think

it was at this point that i really started to forget that noumu hawks was supposed to have a scar over his eye like in canon, so that got completely omitted from YLMTM unfortunately

it was also at this point that i started drawing the mouth tearing open through noumu hawks’ face all over my schoolwork and my teachers would be like “ayo what the fuck is this” and i wouldnt be able to respond because 1. id have to explain noumu 2. id have to explain hawks 3. id have to explain why hawks was a noumu 4. id have to explain dabihawks and just. no thank you

oh MAN this was a doozy

i can’t recall if this exact scene happened in YLMTM but it’s just noumu hawks protecting dabi and dabi being like nooo

while i was drawing it i was like “this is so cool omg” and then i finished it and i was like “oh hell naw”

this was drawn in march, so not too long ago! i’d like to go back and edit it a bit, but ibispaint crashes my entire tablet every time i try to open it because there’s so many layers, so i’ve resigned myself to never being able to fix it unless i redraw everything, unfortunately.

still pretty proud of those wings though like goddamn

and here we get to the most recent update to noumu hawks’ design! i drew this like two days ago so it’s pretty indicative of my current style hehe

i’m sure i’ll find all the problems with it soon enough but right now i think that looks pretty damn good

i changed up the eyes and claws a bit, and i think they look better now :D

i have many more sketches but most of them are on paper homework and aren’t very good, so that’s all for now lol

anyway if you’re seeing this on your dash and you have no idea what im talking about or what YLMTM is, boy do i have the angsty dabihawks fanfiction for you

https://archiveofourown.org/works/30914087

[cloudsrust]

Bonjour it is sleep deprived French girl again :) Just wanted to know, what other fandoms are/were you in ? You play a lot of video games ?

Oh damn didnt see this one yesterday,, hope you managed to get some sleep! And ohhh boi- I was in a TON of fandoms since I jump a lot between them (note: I consider being in a fandom as is- I created artwork/headcanons and was obsessed with it for atleast a month or more)

Mhh- think I’ll divide them in “categories”: Been in and never going back for either reasons or disinterest: Creepypasta (first ever fandom I was in- regret;;; except for Slendy man) Rick and Morty (I just casually watch now) Showdown Bandit (Lost interest, too bad for some characters I liked sobs) Batim (Had its chance- but now I lost interest. Bendy is still adorable tho) Villainous (just enjoying the characters rn) Been in and might come back to it: Cuphead (can’t stop loving them characters and King Dice and many other bosses are still in my heart sob) TF2 (Man I love the comic and them homicidal dorks) Sally Face (I loved the aesthetic of that game so much,,, lowkey want to retry making art of it) Hello Puppets (extremely underrated, them puppets be hella creepy and funny all in one- still stanning my boi Nick Nack lmao) SCP (Want to read more of them but I got so much I want to do nghhh;;) Always in my heart someway or another: Undertale (the fandom that made me and my irl best friend get closer :,> doesn’t matter how weird it got I got beautiful memories because of it (also my first cosplay was in this fandom!)) OFF (Might not show it- but I think I’ll die in this fandom dshdgsh) Hollow Knight (Too good too leave and it got some of my fave artists) Deltarune (I’ll surely get back into it when more comes out aaa) Underhero (extremely underrated but absolutely amazing characters, would recommend) Luigi’s Mansion 3 (found so many cool people and friends through it, it was a good time :,>) Smile for Me (comfort game right next to undertale sobs;; the style and characters are perfect and I love it to bits) Currently into: No Straight Roads (duh asdhdh- absolute current obsession right there) A Hat in Time (Lurking again in the fandom- want to do some more fanart cause I miss it;;) OFF (Always down for it) Lobotomy Corp/Library of Ruina (Another absolute obsession- and I’m excited for what LoR is gonna bring next aaa) Animal Crossing/ Enchanted Folk (Both amazing to relax and to look at cute as heck characters) Grey zone(?): Stardew Valley (havent played in so long;; but I used to be hella into it- completed the quests and married Elliot the dork poet sydsdujsh) Drawn to Life (I miss Wilfre and Heather so much sobs;;) Don’t Starve (Was hella into the lore and characters but didnt play much whoops;;) Pokemon (I mean,, it’s there but??? Idk if I can consider myself in the fandom?? Still love it in general) Darkwood (I love the game but havent been much into the fandom or drew much of it;;) Phew- and that’s all on my fandom history kinda ahahah. For games- I don’t play many;; I usually watch gameplays while drawing, writing or working to multitask.  Games I played tho- Practically all Pokemon Gens starting from Platinum (with also serie spin-offs like pokemon ranger and one Mystery Dungeon), all Professor Layton Serie until either Azran Legacy or Miracle Mask (forgot which is the “ending”;;), OFF, Undertale and Deltarune, Animal Crossing Wild World and New Horizons, Hollow Knight, Cuphead, Lobotomy Corp and No Straight Roads. Plus a lot of other rpg maker games. Let’s say I’m for games with a lot of lore and story more than action eh;; Platformers and the like I can deal with ‘em but boss rushes? Cool but they kick my ass so much sdhsdh. OH and my best friend is getting me into playing Ace Attorney (we play together via discord) and lowkey getting into it-.. unfortunately I know some of the twists so heck;;;

[underwaterdogballs]

The Birth House - Ami McKay

[ im only a new reader, so im still working on the reading daily thing ]

time it took me - 2-3 days (i was really into it lol)

published - 2006

pages - 368

TW for book: physical abuse, sexual abuse, sex scenes, sexism, violence, teen pregnancy + birth

chapters - 47 + epilogue, and there are notes from the Willow Book at the end (i actually typed the whole thing up lmao ( x ) )

genre - historical / realistic fiction

5/5 stars (but my standards are really fucking low, so don’t trust me)

honest opinion - I loved it. It was a great book for me. I loved the MC (stands for Main Character), and it was just a great book all around. I can't put my opinion into words, but I'd highly recommend it, but if you've faced sexual abuse and/or teen pregnancy I might pass it up, as it may be triggering.

basic summary (no major spoilers) (im writing this 3-4 months after reading the book, so sorry if a bit inaccurate) - 

Takes place in 1910s-1920s (WWI), Nova Scotia. Basically Dora Rare (first daughter in 5 generations of Rares), is drawn to Miss Babineau, a midwife and eventually after a few years becomes a midwife herself. But soon Dr. Gilbert Thomas, comes by and brings promises of quick, painless birth, and now many people start to question Babineau’s methods. Miss B disappears, and now Dora has to fight for her traditions. 

in depth ‘summary’ (spoilers. and a whole lot of them) !!CW!! physical abuse, sexual abuse(?), few sex scenes - 

Alrightie, buckle up.

“On the evening of a full moon in June, Silent went out in his canoe to catch the shad that were spawning around the tip of Cape Split. As the night wore on, Annie began to worry that some ill had befallen her love. . . . She walked to the cove where they had first met and began to call to him, promising her heart, her fidelity and a thousand loves to his name. The moon, seeing Annie’s sadness, began to sing, forcing the waves inland, strong and fast, bringing Silent safely back to his lover. Since that time, every child born from the Rare name has been male, and even now, when the moon is full, you can hear her voice, the voice of the moon, singing sailors home.” < why all Rare children have been men (for past 5 gen) >

Dora Rare is the only daughter in 5 generations of Rares. When Dora is first mentioned, she is 17 years old, and has 6 older brothers. Marie Babineau drags Dora to Mrs. Experience Ketch’s 13th kid, which would be a very prominent memory. Anyway if she didn’t give birth to this child today, she’d die. So she did, but she did not want her child. She pushed him away. So he died. Mr. Ketch is not deserving to be called a father, but here we are. Being the 1910s, he was a sexist wanker. “’I don’t trust nothin’ that can’t piss standin’ up.”’ like bitch who the fuck do you think you are?? 

Mrs. Ketch is a victim of serious domestic abuse, if the amount of children didn’t tell you otherwise (women can choose to have this many children, but... holy fuck.)

Archer, someone who Dora is sorta fond of (its been a while, dont remember her feelings), didn’t wish to fight in the war, but Grace and Precious really didn’t fucking like that. “’If I could, I’d march through Europe myself, killing Huns right and left, gutting them with a bayonet and crushing their skulls with the heel of my boot. But I can’t, and neither can any other woman who might wish for victory over evil... and neither can these boys who are too young to serve their king.’ She glared at Archer. ’But you can’” Mate. Take notes from Mulan. Masquerade as a man and beat them all. Fucking coward.

After Archer drags Dora to an empty room, Dora starts to become a horny fuck, and he begins undressing her, she mentions that that was her first kiss, and this Archer hoe backs off, and leaves.

Dr. Thomas comes bearing promises of quick and painless births. He makes Miss B and Dora seem like they’re using wooden tools and sawing a woman in half to get her baby out and taping her back together. Like stfu.

Well, a chapter or 2 later, Dora learns that she is marrying Archer, and she can’t refuse it. 

A couple pages later, on the start of chapter 18, B orders Dora to get her 2 long-handled spoons and to grease them up with tallow, to get a teacup cover out from Grace Hutner’s sweet spot, cause she’s a horndog.

On the day before their wedding night, Archer wants Dora to give him a bj. A motherfucking blowjob. As a thanks for the permission to marry him. 

“Come on, Dorrie. Just get on your knees. It won’t take long, no one needs to know. Now open up that mouth and take me in.” im not even going to say anything.

Anyway, the day before Dora has to marry Archer Bigelow, Miss B dies. :(

Archer wants Dora to give up the midwifery stuff (i think its sorta cool tbh, but k mate). This horny fuck wants sex every damn night. The book mentions the ‘supposed to hurt the first time’ and ‘breaking a woman in’ and just to let you know, the book talks like this bc it’s set in the 1910s-1920s, but irl, it doesn’t have to hurt the first time, i don’t think (but i havent fucked yet, and i dont plan to so idk), and breaking a woman in makes it sound like an object of some sort. 

On page 174, Archer attempts to punch her, but he misses and makes a hole in the wall. 

Dora gives in to sex when she doesn’t want to, and bc of her ‘obligations as a wife’  he treats her more like a sex toy than a human being. (not every guy is a piece of shit in this book, just most of them)

She heads to Dr. Thomas through a friend or her familys advice, and is diagnosed with hysteria, which is probably just ignored horniness, or a high libido or smth, the Doc basically uses a vibrator thing on her and the book states it’s better than what she’s felt in the arms of her husband.

(im wrapping this up cause my fingers are cold)

Influenza starts to pop up, and after Dora is outcasted for her practices, she goes to one of her older brothers.

Brady Ketch, husband of Experience Ketch, dumps his beat up and bruised pregnant 13-year old daughter on Dora’s doorstep, she dies, but delivers a perfectly healthy baby that Dora adopts as her own, and names Winnie/Wennie or whatever the fuck her name was.

After she comes back, she turns back to midwifery, and bars Dr. Thomas with a pitchfork after he attempts to interrupt a delivery (not Ketch’s daughter, as she died in childbirth) (obvi)

Archer dies out in sea, after Dora didn’t give him a thing known for protecting sailors from drowning and to bring them home safe and sound. But Archer has a brother, Hart, and claimed that he always had feelings for her, and he was disgusted at how he treated her. Dora doesn’t marry him, but stays as his lover. Also, the epilogue is about electricity coming to Scots Bay.

[mobtism]

one last ask from me(fl anon)... what do u think of the thing where like, humans in pokemon have types also? its Not Canon i think, but i really like the idea of it and i wanted to know if u had any thoughts! alternatively, what type do u think youd be/want to be? dual-typed?? mono-typed?? id want to be water, but fire/normal is cool too.. pokemon is so cool i feel all my pokeknowledge coming back

ohhh i LOVE this ask, thank you so much fl anon :0 !!

ive never necessarily heard of anything about humans in general having types, but i think thats a really interesting idea… i havent really thought about it myself, but i would love to hear more of your thoughts fl anon ?? please feel free to send them !! :0

fire/normal is so cool 😢 all normal types are severely underrated imo!!!! and water types are just so cool i love them so much <33

while ive never really thought about humans in general having a pokemon type, i have compared with friends before about what pokemon types we’d be!!

if i had a pokemon typing, i feel i’d be primarily grass, with a dual typing of either flying or ice !! but like, ice in a candice way, and flying in a skyla way, yknow? or !! also !! maybe bug too!!! i can definitely see myself as a bug type. i love bug type pokemon so much anyway 😢 and bugsy’s one of my fav gym leaders !!

one thing i do know fs tho is that im definitely grass… theres no doubt in that! ive always been drawn to grass types, despite desperately claiming fire was my favorite. somethin about grass typing,, just fits, yknow? feels like home

im really content and happy at the thought of being any mix of grass/bug/ice/flying,, but if i had to choose other than those? i think the typing i’d wanna be would probably be a fire/dark type !!! i love dark types, and fire is cool, so… !!! :]

AND HELL YEAH!!! POKEMON IS SO COOL !!!! i would LOVE to talk pokemon with u any time anon !!! even if it does take me a bit to think and respond shbfxjjc

[arthurflecksgirl]

Joker saving a girl from bad guys

This one was requested by hausofbaloons on twitter. I hope you will like it :)

Warnings: Violence and sexual harassement (not graphic but still)

I couldnt sleep. This town wouldnt let me close my eyes.

The sound of the traffic, the traffic lights before my windows. It was all too much. Gotham was so noisy yet so dead when you took a closer look to it.

I didnt even knew what got me here. All I knew was that I couldn`t afford my old apartment in my hometown anymore, so I moved in this very bad neighborhood close to Anderson Ave.

Finding a new job here was difficult,too. I was lucky enough to find one that at least would make enough money to pay the rent. The place was called HAHas. They rent party clowns. I didnt even knew anything about clownery, how they called it. I lied when I told Mr Hoyt that I have experience and hoped he wouldn`t notice. Not until I found a "real" job. I really didn`t wanted to end up as a clown.

They said it would take them a few days to get some clown clothes that would fit a girl. Which made me nervous. It seemed like I would be the only girl working there. But for the moment I just had to eccept this situation. Some day I would hopefully get back on my feet.

Watching out the window made me feel  disconnected to the world. Its funny how a new place can change your point of view about so many things. Some places consume you in such an short amount of time. That`s how I felt about this town since the day I unpacked my things and slept in my new bedroom for the first time. Everything felt...wrong. It felt wrong being here, sleeping here, existing in general felt like a chore. Amd looking at these people out on the streets, they must feel the same. My eyes were focused on a little girl with her mother. How aweful it must be to raise your kid here. To grow up here. I just wanted to leave already.

I drank the last sip of my tea and got dressed. Deep down I knew it wasnt a good idea to go out at 10 pm in the evening. At least not here in Gotham, I´ve heard that some alleys are really dangerous to walk through. But I didnt knew which ones, so I tried to avoid all of them. Which wasnt possible all of the time. I left the house, freezing a bit. It was colder outside than I thought. At least the radiator was working. All these streets looked the same. I didnt even knew where to go, just wanted some fresh air, get this tiredness out of my bones.

I wish I had something to be passionate about again. Passion was something I seemed to have lost somewhere along the way. Some days I felt like a robot, only functioning for others. I did things but I havent FELT them for years. It makes a huge difference if you just keep on doing things or if you really feel them.  I wasnt sure what made me stop feeling myself anymore. It just happened. Failed relationships, friends you lose along the way, working,... all these kinda things that consume you, leaving nothing left but the shell of you. I guess this town would`t help.

Walking this neighborhood felt lonely, even while being surrownded by people. But at the same time there was proof that I wasnt the only lifeless zombie in this universe. There were other robots, just like me. The walking dead. Shouldn`t this make it hurt less? Shouldn`t this be comforting?

I was so lost in my thoughts I didnt even payed attention to where I was heading to. Most streets still remained unfamiliar to me.  I hestitated when I realized that I  didn`t knew where I was anymore. All this garbage, the bad smell. I felt something on my foot and screamed. A rat. The biggest rat I have ever seen in my life. This place was aweful. I really had to go and find some place nicer a few blocks away from here. The sun went down hours ago, everything started to look the same. I felt tired. Insomnia really had me in its arms.

Whispers. In the corners of the streets. On the sidewalks. I wanst sure if my mind was only playing tricks with me. Being alone in a city like this, at 9 pm in the afternoon could do that to you. I should have stayed home in my bed. The bed that didnt felt like mine anymore.

The whispers got louder and I was convinced that it wasnt my mind playing around as I satrted to hear steps behind me "Hey doll ! Where are you heading?"

The voice of a young man and another one laughing right behind me. I felt fear crawling up my insides. I didnt even had any with me to defense myself. I grabbed my keys, so I could scratch them with it if they would attack me. My hand was shaking while I reached down in my pockets.

"Hey, baby. Stop. We are talking to you!"

I didnt knew what to do. Should I run? Should I stop, trying to calm them down by acting friendly? My hand so close around my keys I hurt myself. It was already too late to run away, one of them grabbed me by the arm. So firm I couldnt move it to use the keys anymore. That was it. Only some weeks in Gotham city and I was already dead. I should have known better.

"Take her stuff!" the other one yelled. He sounded obvously drunk. "I will" he hurt my arm again "But... I think there is even more we could do besides taking her stuff..." he grabbed my bag, hew it to the other guy and pushed me against the wall, violently. With his alcoholic breath. I felt my eyes watering. "Don`t cry baby doll. i`m sure you`re gonna like it".  The other one was laughing, while he took my money and cards. "Oh, you can have her. I already made out with the other girl an hour before" more laughter.  "Good" he yelled into my face "More left for me". Hands on my chest. Hands everywhere as he started to pull up my shirt. A whimper. it was mine. I started crying. "Stop crying you stupid bitch!" I tried to stop but i couldnt.

And suddenly a shot fell. And another one.

I still felt his firm hands around my arm as he hesitated to take a look around. thats when I saw the other guy lying face down on the ground. Blood tripping from his body. He wasnt moving anymore. "What the fuck?"  he let go of me, running to his buddy.

Thats when I looked the other way.

There was someone standing inthe alley with us. It was dark but I still could make out the color of his suit. It was red. And he was holding a gun in his left hand.  He came closer as the guy who wanted to rape me was yelling at the dead body on the ground.

His face was painted like a clown. A red nose, a big smile and blue around his eyes. His hair was slick back, slightly curly and green, almost reaching down his shoulders. He looked intimitating. But for some reason I wasn`t afraid of him.

"Are you okay?" the clown came up to me,touching my shoulder very carefully."Yeah...I guess I am".

I was still in shock. I just witnessed murder. This guy just shot someone in front of my eyes. He walked up slowly to the other guy.

"You shot my best friend!" the guy yelled.

"Get up!" the clown said

The guy was getting up. It felt like watching a slow motion scene.

"He didnt deserved to live. He was about to watch you raping her."

"So what? Maybe I can`t have her today. But there is always a tomorrow."

The man in the red suit took a step towards him

"You think so, huh?"

"Of course" the drunk guy said, looking at me with his hungry eyes "I would make her scream and..."

Another shot.

And after that. Nothing but silence and his  gentle hand upon my shoulder again "They can`t hurt you anymore". He lit himself a cigarette, sucking the smoke in like nothing just happened. The two dead bodies lying in front of us.

"Thank you for saving me from these guys...but....you just SHOT them !" my voice cracked.

He blew the smoke out "I know. They would have found another victim. These kinda guys never stop." He pulled my shirt down. It was still up from all the grabbing. "I just hope you`re okay. You`re shaking." There was somthing so comforting in his voice. I felt so torn between being shocked and being reliefed that someone saved me from what was about to happen.

"I`m still... in shock I guess. He tried to..."

"I know. Thats why I took care of it. People can be aweful. Especially here in Gotham city. You should even be out here on the streets alone".

His eyes pierced me. It was hard to not be attracted to him. Maybe it was the shock. I flt like a compleate freak, feeling save talking to someone who just shot two guys in an dark alley while waring clown make up. He obviously wasnt a cop or something. He must  have been some kind of criminal himself. I shouldn`t  even keep talking to him. "Do you live far from here?" he grabbed my stuff that was still lying on the ground, made sure to collect it all together and handed it to me "Sorry for the blood on it." There was something so careless about him, after mudering two men. And yet he seemed to care so much about if i`m okay.  I wondered if it was the first time that he killed someone.

I took my purse and the rest of my things "Um....no not that far. Maybe a 30 minutes walk. But I just moved here and lost track of the streets. It was so dark and I`m not sure how to find back home anymore."

He threw the last bit of his cig aon the ground "I could walk you home if you want. Which street is it?"

I didnt wanted to tell him my exact adress "Near Anderson ave".

"You`re kidding, right? I lived in Anderson ave all my life. I mean...I still do actually". He put the gun back in his pocket.

"Oh so you know the way back?"

"Sure"

I thought about this for a minute. Wasn`t this insane?

"Look, you don`t have to. I can go now" he said "I just wanna let you know that I wouldnt ever hurt you. i just killed those guys because they wanted to do bad things to you and they also said they would do it again. Its okay if you don`t trust me. Just let me know if I should walk you home. I dont mind eighter way."

His voice was so soft. I couldnt stop staring at the way he was using his hands while talking . They seemed to floath through the air. The way he moved was graceful. His slender body in the red suit makde me feel something. I was just very drawn to this stranger.And even though he did something bad. He only did it to save me. I decited to let him walk me home.

"No. I belive you. You can walk me home"

"Great" it almost looked like he was dancing as he turned around, smirking.

I was walking right next to him.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Sure!"

"Why are you wearing clown make up?" i pointed at his face.

"I used to work as a party clown"

"Really?"

"yeah"

"Thats funny. I just got a new job here at Haha`s. "

His face immediately darkened. Did I said something wrong.

"At Haha`s, huh?"

I didnt dared to say answer. His face expression changed in between seconds.

"I know that place."

"Do you.... work there too?

"Not anymore"

I nooded. this subject didnt seemed to be a good choice for conversation. So I remained  silent. He didnt said anything anymore eighter. Everything about this felt weird but being around him was indeed very exciting.

"So this alley leads to Anderson ave" as we arrived at my block.

"Oh, I know the way from here. I don`t know how to thank you..."

He smiled. It was more of a smirk really. Behind all the make up. I was wondering how he would look like without the face paint. His facial expression was so interesting. Still intense behind all of this clown make up.

"No need to thank me" he said while his eyes kept piercing me. I wasnt sure how I should say goodbye to the one that just saved me. Maybe my life even.  So I just offered him a hug. he leaned towards me and let me hug him. His hands oddly lying on my back, barely touching me. He seemed kinda shy, which was very surprising.  For a brief moment I felt his cheek on mine. I even felt the softness of the white face paint upon my skin. Shivers running down my spine. I coulnt help it. Feeling him letting go of our hug almost hurted me. What was happening?

"So, since you dont live far from here, maybe I´ll see you around?"

He reached down his pocket, pulled out a pen,a piece of paper and started writing "Here is my number. I mean, just in case someone is bothering you again. Or following you.  Just call me when something feels wrong."

A card is falling out of his pocket. He pickes it up, looking at it for a little bit too long. I couldnt tell what it said but it must have been something important to him. He seemed nervous as he put it back "Not this one." he mumbled.

I once again told him how thankful I was before we said our goodbyes.

Heading back ome after all of this felt surreal. Did that really happen? I turned around and he was still standing there, lightening another cig.

I looked at the piece of paper he gave to me.

Arthur.

That was his name.

A beautiful name.

Just as beautiful as he was.

As soon as I got home, I hoped into bed. Once again I wasnt tired. How could I`ve been tired after this? I was more awake than ever. That face. I put his number on my bedside table, lying on my back. i just coulnt stop thinking about how his bare  face might have looked like. Would I even be able to notice him on the streets without his costume and make up? His green eyes and the smirk haunted me all night long. Arthur. He forgot to put his last name on it. Or was that onpurpose. Eighter way I had his number.

And then out of the sudden I realized that I haven`t thought about the fact that he might get caught and locked up for killing two strangers on the sidewalk. Panic was spreading inside of me like a tumor. If he would get caught it would be my fault. He killed them to save my life. I could have never forgiven myself that.

My heart told me I should get up, grab the phone and call him. Asking him how he would try to not being caught. If there was any plan or... This was ridicilous. What could I possibly say to him? I guess he was aware of what he just did. I started sweating and opened my window. More noises of people yelling at each other.  What an aweful city. He seemed like the only nice person I have met since I moved here. With his face and voice in my mind, I was finally able to FEEl something again. The sensation of having strong emotions was something I thought I lost. And all of the sudden I imagined this stranger in my mind. Someone I knew nothing about. But he made me feel something. It was like awakening from a long, dark sleep. Maybe my heart wasn´t dead yet. Maybe there was a spark left inside of me. And he lit it. Not only because he saved me. It was his presence. The way he looked right though me. His cheek against mine. Those hands. Images of fresh memories started to floath my mind and I enjoyed it. I finally enjoyed something again. It was like I felt my own heart beating in my chest. I havent felt that for years. Sometimes I didnt even knew if it was still beating anymore. And now it was so loud. A competition to the traffic outside.

And after hours of thinking about him I finally fell asleep to the sound of the traffic.

Red painted lips.

A fake smile covering a real smile.

I put one figer on his upper lip. I can feel a scar.

Pressing it softly, before his face comes closer.

He leans in before I feel the softest kiss upon my lips.

I woke up, rubbing my eyes, realizing that I just dreamed about kissing this total stranger. He really managed to get into my mind. I still felt his lips on mine. I thought about his hands. I took a close look to them when he was holding the gun. They looked so gentle. I caught myself thinking about how it would feel to be touched by those hands. To hold them.

I got up, made a coffe and got dressed. I had to go to the pharmacy to get some sleeping pills. I just couldnt do this anymore. Lying awake all night drained the life out of me.

Gotham looked the same way at daylight as it looked at night. Just as dark and depressing. Hopefully the sleeping pills would help me find some rest again.

After I arrived the pharmacist asked me if I had experience with sleeping pills and told me about all the side effects. i just wanted to get out of ther for gods sake. Two minutes laer she was still taking to me, not even realizing I wansnt listening anymore, someone else entered the room. I was glad because she was alone there and had to  serve the other costumer now. But she still kept talking.

Suddenly a voice from behind interrupted her "No, the other ones are actually better. And you can get them without a recipe,too."

"Excurse me?" the lady said "The ones on the left" a tiney looking man with brown curls was coming up to us. He pointed at the meds, looking at me "Belive me. You want those. Not the ones on the right. They will give you bad nightmares."

"Oh. Okay thank you, Mr." I looked at the pharmacist "So, I want those, please" she gave me a look and told me how much they were. I payed, taking another look to the man beside me, as he put different receipes on the counter.

There was something about his facial features. His eyes. Those piercing eyes.

The lady gave him an annoyed look "As usual, Mr. Fleck?"

"Yeah"

"Alright. Give me a minute to get them"

He nodded.

His hands.

"Arthur?" I wasnt sure if I was out of my mind but he reminded me of the clown who saved me last night.

He immediately faced me when I said his name. IT WAS HIM.

"Yes?"

"Its you right? You were the..... " I whispered "The clown that saved me last night"

He smiled in a very shy way, he lowered his voice "I was".

That feeling. There is was again. I didnt knew what was happening to me. I just fell for this man. His bare face even more beautiful than I imagined.

The sales woman came back, handing him out three bottles of meds.  He hesitated to put them into his pocket, like he was afraid I might get a closer look to it. I finally took my sleeping pills,too. Still staring at him.

"I thought about you last night" saying the words out loud I just realized how it sounded like "I mean...not like that. Oh my god this is embarrassing. I`m sorry."

You don`t have to be embarrassed.. what was your name again?"

"I`m Y/N"

"Hi Y/N!" he offered me his hand. HIS HAND! The one I dreamed about last nicht. Fantasized about being touched by it. His skin was even softer in reality. We got out of the pharmacy together, standing in the middle of the crowded streets.

"Arthur, I have to thank you once again and I was woried about you. Umm..You can imagin why. "

His arms hung down on him in a weird way. A body languare so differently from last night. So shy, intimidated even. By what? By me?

"Don`t worry about me Y/N. I always get back on my feet."

"Yeah well " my heart was racing in my chest while looking at him "You were the only one here that was ever nice and taking notice since I moved here. I`m always alone since I`m a citizen of Gotham city"

He lit a cig "I can imagin. I`m alone since the day I was born"

Why would he say that?I noticed how sad his eyes were, behind his stare, behind the piercing look of his green eyes, there was so much sadness. I had a better look into them now in the daylight. His beautiful face looked kinda tired. Tired of life.

I knew that feeling. I wanted it to fade from his face. I wanted his eyes to light up. And I wanted to be the reason for that.

"Arthur, do you want to go out with me? Like... for a coffee?"

His hand started to shake a little "You mean like a date?"

"Um..." I felt myself blushing "I dont know....if you want it to be one."

He smiled "If YOU want it to be one."

We headed to the next coffee shop, not saying a word as our hands touched slightly ,but our smiles said it all.

Maybe we both were alone.

But now it was time to be alone together.

@impulsiveclown @ben-solos-writing-avenger @jokerownsmysoul @missjoker96 @arthurskitten @lynnesm @nonnymousse @jokerhoe @gwynplaine89 @damnrightobsessedwithim @sgtsavoytruffle  @duhliriouss @sadjesterautumn @therealjokerking10 @flowerglitterwoman @thirstforfleck @spookyhome @iartsometimes @downtoclown-around @you-cant-cry-in-here @bustafatclownnut @jokerismyhubbie @jokerflecker @casiaregina @check-out-this-joker @mrsjfleck @darknessisafriend @bring-your-holy-water @nicoleverse @mdme-rosary @arthurhappyclown @yami-rhs @mrsjfleck @cmollica @mollyxlyla-rosex @widkkfowpqpsnanq @rhokie @neon-umbrella-for-stella @queenie70 @casiaregina @missmayx @these-written-reveries @cherrymoon75