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electrikworm · 6 months

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5 times Wrecker protected his siblings and 5 times they protected him: Chapter 2

As cadets, Wrecker gets into a fight with some regs bothering Tech.

Content warning: Blood, Child Abuse

Wrecker and Tech are physically about 11-12 years old in this, whilst the regs are 16-17

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Chapter Text

As Tech sets off on the familiar path to clone force 99's barracks, he starts taking notes on his datapad. He tries to get the information typed out as soon as he can after a lesson. Doing so greatly reduces the possibility of errors in his writing.

Tech trusts himself to retain all the necessary information, however revising what he's learnt before he is tested is easier done with the relevant notes at hand.

Halfway through writing a summary and halfway back to their barracks, Tech is interrupted by slamming into someone's chest. The training they're going through has made Tech dexterous enough not to fall over, instead stumbling back a few steps.

He walked into a reg, at least 2 standard years older than him based on the height difference. There are three others with him. None of them bare any distinguishing markings, though their hair varies slightly in length.

Tech quickly mutters an apology and tries to move past the group, lowering his gaze to his datapad. One of the regs scoffs. Tech quickens his pace. Not enough to seem like he's trying to run away. He's not a coward, he's just not in the mood to deal with regs.

“What's the point of those goggles if you're still too blind to not run into people right in front of you?” one of the regs sneers.

Tech knows he should keep walking, should ignore them, but the retort leaves his mouth before he can stop it. “You could have stepped out of the way yourself.”

Tech shouldn't have said anything. One of the regs stops him from walking further with a hand on the shoulder, digging his fingers into Techs skin.

“If you're going to disrespect me, have the decency to stop looking at that thing.” With that, the reg with the hand on Techs shoulder pulls the datapad out of his hands and passes it to one of his friends. The reg holds the datapad above his head, arm outstretched, like he's waiting for Tech to try and take it back.

Tech could probably reach it if he jumped. He's not going to do that. “I need that back.” Tech states calmly.

“What do you need a datapad for?” the reg with the datapad says with a laugh, waving it about. Does he really think Tech is stupid enough to try and grab it back?

“Many of my strengths relate to technology, so it is a useful asset in my training, and will continue to be of great use once I graduate.” Tech answers honestly, seemingly amusing the regs. He doubts anything he could say would de-escalate the situation.

“So without this hardware, you're not even special? So much for enhanced.” the one grabbing his shoulder says, spitting the last word like it's poison. More laughter. Tech would like to walk away, can't until they give him back his datapad. Tech twists out of the regs grip, taking a step backwards, tries to glare at them the way Crosshair does. If Crosshair said he managed to scare off some regs by looking at them, maybe Tech can too.

By the way one of the regs snorts with laughter, it isn't quite as intimidating as Tech had hoped.

“Don't you want your datapad back, defect?” the one holding it says, grinning. He's holding it lower now, trying to bait Tech into reaching for it. “You know they'll decommission you if you're not useful, right?”

Tech is going to going to argue with their logic when he's interrupted.

“Hey!” Tech would recognize his brothers booming voice anywhere. Wrecker must have rounded a corner, likely returning from training as well. The sight of his brother is a relief . Faster than the regs can react, Wrecker puts himself between them and Tech, grabbing the one holding the datapad by the arm and returning it to Tech.

Wrecker's tall for his age, almost as tall as the older regs. Definitively stronger than them. Tech still hopes this won't end in a fight.

“Another one?” one of the regs groans.

“Yeah, another one.” Wrecker glares at the group of older clones, doing a better job than Tech did. “You mess with him, you mess with me!”

Even Wrecker doesn't have the desired effect on the regs. If anything, they seem to find his anger funny too. “Are you trying to intimidate us?”

“Stow it.” Wrecker hisses back, moving forward with intent. Tech grabs his sleeve before they can find out what he was planing to do. Wrecker takes the hint, and when Tech turns to walk away, so does he.

Tech thinks to himself that that could have ended a lot worse, then immediately regrets letting that thought cross his mind when one of the regs calls after them.

“Take that datapad and those goggles away and you'd be decommissioned in hours.”

“What did you just say?” Wrecker snarls as he snaps back round. He's punched the reg that said it before even Tech with his enhanced mental capability can think about stopping him.

The entire fight only lasts a few seconds, but it feels a lot longer to Tech. It's loud, it's chaotic, Tech's pretty sure he just saw Wrecker grab one of the regs by the hair. Tech isn't going to let his brother fight alone, but just as he's regained his bearings, just as he's about to throw his own punch, the fight is interrupted.

“Osik, someone's coming!” one of the regs yells. They run off and Tech grabs Wreckers sleeve once again and starts pulling him in the opposite direction.

“Come on Wrecker.” Tech hisses in an effort to get his vod to hurry up. “We'll get in trouble.” Wrecker picks up the pace. After a good while of running and rounding a few corners they slow down. They didn't run in the right direction to get back to their barracks, but Tech knows his way around this area of Tipoca City more than well enough to lead them back on the way they want to be.

Tech gets a good look at Wrecker now. He's got a nosebleed and a split lip, blood running down the lower half of his face freely and off of his chin. “You're dripping blood.” Tech states. Wrecker tries to use his hand to stop the blood flow, but it seeps between his fingers in seconds.

“I think I bit myself.” Wrecker mumbles from behind his hand, sounding nasal. They walk in silence for a while. “I'd never let them decommission you, Tech.” Wrecker suddenly goes very earnest.

“They wouldn't decommission me over something so silly anyway.” Wrecker smiles at that, then lifts his hand in a way that lets Tech know exactly what he has in mind. Tech doesn't like it. “Don't even think about ruffling my hair with your bloody hands.”

“Hey, there's no blood on this hand.” For emphasis, Wrecker wipes the hand not trying to stop the blood running out of his nose and mouth on his trousers.

“Don't.” Tech warns. With a huff, Wrecker lets his arm hang. After a while, Tech breaks the silence. “Thank you.”

Wrecker huffs again, amused this time. “No need, it was nothing.”

Wrecker starts trying to ask Tech how his day was, but only get halfway through the question, the next corner they round leaving their path blocked by one of the facility staff. A human woman by the looks of it, and if Tech had to guess, he'd say she looks rather annoyed. Both the clones freeze.

“CT-9903, you will come with me and you will do so quietly.” Neither Wrecker or Tech do anything but share a quick worried glance. “Do not make me repeat myself.” She sounds really annoyed now.

That snaps Wrecker out of his stupor enough to nod and start moving. He smiles at Tech as he does, blood still running down his face. The sight does not make Tech feel any better.

“What is this about?” Tech asks, knowing it must be about the fight a few minutes ago. The regs must have told on them.

“This is about CT-9903 exhibiting a series of violent outbursts recently, and does not concern you.” The staff member answers, turning her back on Tech as she ushers Wrecker away. They have been getting in a lot of fights recently, though Wrecker hardly started even half of them. Finishing them, that Wrecker did do. It still hardly seems fair to Tech that Wrecker take all the blame.

Tech does nothing as his brother is lead away. Nothing he could say would change the outcome here either. He just walks the rest of the way back to their barracks feeling defeated.

Hunter and Crosshair are already there when Tech arrives, having a conversation that sounds a lot like it could turn into an argument any time soon.

“Wreckers in trouble.” Tech states instead of greeting his brothers.

“What?” Hunter looks ready to fight someone. Crosshair doesn't say anything, but his stance is similar to Hunters. Tech explains the situation to them, the confrontation with the regs, the fight, Wrecker being lead away. None of them ask where their brother was brought, they all know the answer. Disobedient clones get put in isolation, every member of their squad's been there before.

“You're lucky I wasn't there.” Crosshair hisses. “I would have killed those regs.”

Tech rolls his eyes. “No you wouldn't have.”

They don't talk about Wrecker. There's nothing they can do to change his situation.

Later, after they've eaten and went to bed, Tech can't sleep. He keeps thinking about Wrecker. It's irrational to worry about him, Tech knows where Wrecker is. Still, he is haunted by the thought that that blood covered smile would be the last he'd ever see of him. It's really the regs fault for putting the thought of decommissioning into Tech's head.

Tech feels like a fool when he quietly slips out of their barracks and carefully navigates the still corridors. Getting into the room with the isolations tanks is easier than it should be. Tech had managed to get in before, even at a younger age. It's dark, save for the faint light the tanks give off. They look almost like bacta tanks, the liquid filling them just missing the blue tint bacta has.

Four of the tanks are occupied. As always, Wrecker sticks out immediately. Tech spares little attention for the regs floating in the other tanks, heading straight to stand in front of the one housing his little brother. Even behind the breath mask, Tech can see little was done against the injuries Wrecker sustained in the fight, clear swelling and bruises showing.

But, Tech's unfounded worry has been calmed. Wrecker is fine, he's alive and no worse off then when tech last saw him. He'll be out of the tank in a couple days, and they'll take it from there.

Tech knocks on the transparisteel separating him from his brother, hoping Wrecker will sense his presence but knowing there's no chance he will. They're called isolation tanks for a reason. Still, a small part of Tech likes to believe he is helping Wrecker by simply being there. Nobody likes isolation, it wouldn't be a punishment if it was pleasant, but Wrecker, social and in need of physical proximity as he is, responds particularly bad. Last time, he spent weeks after his release clinging to his brothers, outright refusing to sleep unless he was holding one of them.

“I'm sorry.” Tech says as he knocks on the tank again. Wrecker wouldn't be here if Tech had successfully dealt with the dispute with the regs himself.

At this point, Tech should leave. He's assured himself of Wreckers safety, there's no need to stay. Instead, he sits down, leaning his head against the cool exterior of the tank and starts to quietly talk about his day, answering the question Wrecker never got to finish asking.

#tbb #tbb wrecker #tbb tech #my writing #I used to headcanon Tech being younger than Wrecker #since we got their canon CT numbers I've started to really like the idea of Wrecker being the younger one

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therentyoupay · 4 months

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Hellooo! Sending this ask purely because I need someone to kick my butt into writing gear :'D but how do you manage writing without getting bogged down with self-doubt? My brain has the tendency to cripple my creativity and then I convince myself that the writing is trash. Even though no one but me is reading it at the moment.

HELLO LOVELY! ✨ i'm so sorry it's been so long since you sent this ask; i've been bogged down with academia but i promise i have been pondering your ask for these past three months now!!

honestly, this semester i'm relying on a lot of similar strategies for overcoming self-doubt in my dissertation writing process right now that i used to experience with my fanfiction (and still occasionally do, but it was a lot more prevalent in my teenage years and early 20s). regardless of the genre and context, i totally get how self-doubt can sneak in and mess with your writing and creativity and the enjoyment of the process. here are some things i do, which i'm sure lots of people have shared before, but it probably bears repeating!!

re: "trash": first of all, even trash is good. trash is SOMETHING. trash means creation and some form of use. seriously, even if you hate what you write at first, IT IS SOMETHING. remember it is generally easier to edit (even if you delete it all later) something than to create from scratch, especially if a long time has passed and you've built up the task in your head. i say let yourself write without judgment for a set period (like 10-15 minutes). don’t worry about grammar, structure, or quality. just get out your thoughts in whatever stream of consciousness makes sense to you and bypass your inner critic. this is a skill that needs to be developed and honed through practice. second, if you're bad at bypassing the inner critic at first, name it and tell it to shut up ("be quiet, reginald"), and carry on. repeat until it's actually easy, and then reginald doesn't even talk that much anymore.

separate writing and editing: on that note, write first, edit later. trying to do both at the same time can kill creativity. write freely, knowing you can refine and improve your work later. on that that note, you can always take a break from writing one thing to go write another thing and then come back to it when your head is more clear and your eyes have freshened!

set small goals: break your writing task into smaller, manageable goals. i like to set word count goals OR "write for X minutes" OR "write Y scene(s)" goals. i do this with both my dissertation and my fanfiction and my non-fic book writing, depending on the day, the deadlines, and the vibes. remember that small wins can build momentum and confidence. another thing i like to do to loosen up and get back into the swing of things via small-goal-setting is to post baby drabbles and micro-fic on tumblr!

positive self-talk: watch your inner dialogue. swap negative thoughts ("this is terrible/trash/whatever") with positive ones ("this is a draft, and it’ll get better with revision"). this is a skill!!!! practice it!!!! related: your writing may be a reflection of you in many ways, but it is not you; writing garbage on an off day does not mean that you are garbage or that your writing is always garbage. separate the skills, performance/product, and person. (and remember: garbage is still something, and you can edit it later.)

create a routine, if you can: this one doesn't quite always work for me, to be honest, due to the nature of my workday, BUT, when I'm able to do things consistently, i do like to set up a regular writing routine! consistency can help reduce anxiety and make writing feel like a natural part of your day. when i was in grad school (the first time) and working i used to write while on my commute, every day, on my phone; those of you who were with me in 2015 remember the prolific sorcery of that year. 😂

seek feedback: share your work with a trusted friend, beta reader, fellow writer, etc. sometimes you don't want to unleash your writing to the full internet right away, and that's totally fine and normal, but you still want constructive feedback. find a friend who will beta!!! they can reassure you and point out areas you might not have noticed. (and receiving and incorporating feedback is its own skill worthy of its own post, but i shall leave it for now!!)

CELEBRATE progress: i'm so serious, recognize and celebrate your progress, no matter how small. enjoy each kudos!!! each like!! each posted fic! each drabble!! each reblog!!! each bookmark!!!! reward yourself for reaching milestones (1 kudos, 10 kudos, 10,000 kudos, 1 comment, 200 comments, 1 hit, 5 hits, 500 hits, 1 story posted, 12 stories posted) to reinforce positive behavior. 😉 basic applied behavioral analysis and behaviorist psych!! (remember: positive self-talk, setting small goals)

visualize success: i do this one all the time for basically everything in my life lol (teaching, public speaking, finishing my dissertation, book tours for my non-fic books, winning awards, finishing fics). close your eyes, and picture yourself finishing your writing project successfully. how does it feel? what do you see? who is there? how does it smell? what are you wearing? where are you? what do you hear? visualization can boost motivation and reduce fear of failure and can give you all sorts of goody feel-good chemicals. your brain literally can't tell what's real or not real sometimes, so give it something tangible to make the task feel like it's literally in your reach (because it is 😉). this is, interestingly enough, also an incredible boost for writing itself, haha.

clean something first: maybe this is just me, but clean your desk beforehand. 😂 or go to a café or something. new fresh space. but don't let yourself get distracted by that either!!

read for inspiration: read works by authors you admire to get inspired and remind yourself why you love writing. 🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰

WRITE. WRITE WRITE WRITE. WRITE LIKE THE WIND MY LOVE.

#dionysiore #therentyoupay ask #therentyoupay advice #therentyoupay on writing #HOW GOES THE WRITING MY DEARRRR

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meimi-haneoka · 4 months

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Every time I see the English translation of a certain Clear Card panel with Touyuki appearing on my TL I want to pull my hair because that line was mistranslated so, so badly and people are making speculations and going nuts about it in the tags and it's all based on something that doesn't exists because that's not what Touya says, not at all. Like, not even remotely. It's also so out of character for him to say something like that, I don't know how his fans don't realize something is off in that line.

One day I will compile those translation mistakes in one giant google sheet or something, I need to turn this into a mission because it's honestly so irritating to see how riddled with mistakes this localization is, sometimes to the point of messing with important parts of the plot. I don't see them releasing a decently translated edition in the near future, so it's all I can do to give back some respect to the story. Clamp are aware of the translation mistakes and how they change the perception of the story for the foreign readers, just as they are aware of the posts I've made about them over the years (they talked about this in a Space long time ago, and I still cherish that mention in my heart with pride). But there was basically nothing they could do at the time, if not suggesting the English readers to check the posts mentioning the translation differences. That's great and all, I'm glad I have their blessing but this is also not really how ideally one should read a story. My posts are long and filled with personal comments and maybe that would deter many people from checking out what a certain line actually says, so I need to find a quicker and easier way. Also, I started to do those only from chapter 40 onwards (and in the beginning I was way overzealous, I would need to revise) and this panel I'm mentioning above is part of the butchery they did in the first volumes, which weren't covered by my posts yet.

#sorry for the vent but everytime I see certain panels my blood boils #i love Touyuki they're soulmates and I'm all for their moments together but damn that line was really NOT IT #it's so maddening to think how little respect was used in the translation of this work #and how much of the translator's bias shows through shamelessly #this is also referencing to how people probably still believe Lilie had a thing with Momo #while being very much engaged to Akiho's future father #another terrible translation mistake that hinted at a wlw pair when there was none of it #as I always say headcanons are free real estate #and you can mess around with them however you like #but canon must stay canon and the translation has to reflect precisely what's been said in the original JP text #no ifs and no buts #people deserve to know the real story #not being lied to for the sake of inventing stuff or giving 'flavor' to things #that's not Clamp's story anymore #it's the translator's story at that point #me being mad about this shitty translation all over again was really not what I needed when I'm so tired after a wedding party #goodnight #please do me a favor and read this story in Spanish if you can read Spanish #Norma's translation is really WELL DONE #always grateful to Agnes Perez for actually doing her job with love #goodnight again

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blorbo-from-the-cosmos · 2 years

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hiii i read your post on how you entered the void! congratulations! the fact that you entered after trying for 3 years🥹 I had some questions! I hope you answer🥹

Did you manifest anything?

Did you twitch while entering the void?

P.S. I’m in my 20’s as well. I’ve known about void since two years. (i’ve not been trying to tap in since 2 years though) I want to tap in because i want to revise some situations also i love how the void sounds. So calming and peaceful. I know i’m so capable of tapping and getting everything i want.

(I’ve been so close to tapping in, my head gets heavy, i feel like i’m floating. I twitch too. But then it’s all the same. These symptoms and i don’t enter, i persist though. This whole thing goes on for an hour.) Although i don’t care about the old story. I’m assuming that i enter the void instantly!

Do you remember or have any idea as to how long it took you to tap in? Just asking cause i’m curious🦋

MOST IMPORTANTLY Do you have any tips/advice or just about anything to share as i will be entering the void tonight?🥹 i can’t wait to come back and share my success story with you🥹

thank you sooo much for the ask 😭 yes 3 years later I finally did it and in retrospect it’s so much easier than I ever could have hoped, but I’m in a weird way glad that it took this long because honestly I feel like I just needed all the change that happened in the last few years of my life to really appreciate the void and understand what it is that I want and truly desire 🥹 so, to answer your questions :

I didn’t manifest anything!

I had the intention to, but once I realized I was in the void I honestly just felt such a deep sense of relief and freedom; it was like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I realized I didn’t want anything because just being there and knowing I made it was enough, so I decided to just enjoy the sensation. I do plan to go back into it to manifest my dream life of course, but just in that moment it felt like I really just wanted to appreciate my accomplishment over anything else 💖

Yes I did twitch and move around!

I adjusted and turned and even when I felt myself falling into the void I felt that sensation of a weird twitch/jolt through my body. I didn’t care at all tbh, like I acknowledged all these movements and even intentionally moved around but I kept my priorities on focusing on the third eye area. Eventually, when it came to that final twitch, I interestingly enough felt it from a place beyond my body. I’m not sure if that makes sense, but I felt like my consciousness acknowledged that I moved, but I was so detached from the physical reality that I felt it almost like something moved nearby me as opposed to my own body (kinda like when someone sits on your bed when you’re laying there and you feel the bed move, but it’s not your body that moving) :)

I honestly think it took less than 15 minutes max?

I can’t say for sure because of course I was kinda not really fully conscious nor was I counting the seconds, but it was definitely a process that took a good while. If I had to guess I think maybe around the 5 minute mark I was feeling symptoms, then somewhere between the 10-15 minute mark I felt that weird body twitch and then the next thing I knew I was in the void. It felt a lot shorter than that honestly, but I definitely don’t think it was anything less than 10 minutes tbh

Most Importantly!!!

First of all, I love having another person in their 20’s who can relate because same 😭 I also plan to revise my old story and honestly give myself a lot of the things and experiences I feel was deprived of my inner child, so I am so excited for you to enter the void and manifest all of your hopes and dreams 💕

I think my biggest piece of advice would be that there is no “right moment” to enter the void. Like I said in my post, the day I entered was entirely mundane and there was no special moment where I magically felt in my soul I would enter the void. I simply woke up and decided “you know what, I’m gonna enter the void tonight and that’s that.” I looked myself in the mirror in the morning and said to myself/my subconscious in the mirror that I was going to do it, and then I went about my day. I didn’t even think about it, I didn’t affirm, and I went to bed and shifted into the void!

It’s not about being in a perfect state or doing xy&z in order to make it or blah blah blah, it’s really not.

I’d compare it to completing a task, tbh, like when you wake up in the morning and go “I’m going to take out the trash because they pick it up tomorrow.” You don’t need to think about it 24/7, you might remind yourself every now and again throughout the day “oh right, gotta take out the trash,” but you don’t need to worry about taking out the trash. The trash isn’t going anywhere, and yeah it would suck if you didn’t take it out because then it’ll just sit in the garbage bin a week or however longer, but eventually it’ll be collected whether you do it today or not. You’ll take it out and sure, maybe you’ll think that you could’ve done the task sooner or made it easier on yourself, but it got done and now you can at least feel relieved that it’s no longer on your to-do list so you can focus on your other tasks instead.

So that’s my ramble! Thank you so much for your questions and I hope I answered them well enough! I’m so excited to hear your success story anon, please please please share it with me because I am genuinely so hyped up for your success <3

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snootlestheangel · 2 months

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L: How many times do you usually revise your fic/chapter before posting?

F: Share a snippet from one of your favorite dialogue scenes you’ve written and explain why you’re proud of it.

M: Got any premises on the back burner that you’d care to share?

L: usually most chapters get a good once over just to make sure there's not any glaring mistakes but also I have a really bad habit of just saying "fuck it" and hitting post 😅

M: I have so many ideas on the back burner it's honestly sad. But the one I'll share here is an AU where the Riley family survived, and Ghost keeps a good relationship with them. I might make a separate post to go more in depth cause it's kinda complicated to explain. It features silly goofy drunk!Ghost though at one point

F: this is gonna be a really long snippet but it's one of my top favorites I could think of off the top of my head. The mental chess between Laswell and Price is one of my favorite things to write

Snippet is from ch. 6 in Silence is Golden But Consequences Are Red so if you don't want to read it, I understand. (For those that do read it, sorry if it's hard to follow at points. It's a bit easier to follow in context and is older writing and needs edited (I posted the first chapter to this fic almost a year and a half ago and my writing has actually improved since)

:"Why were these particular weapons dealers selling to Las Almas? I mean, what business has a Mexican drug cartel have to do with European weapons dealers?"

"That we still don't know, but hope to find on the drive. Pretty lucky of our boy Soap to get this." Price quirks an eyebrow at Laswell, but doesn't respond to her comment.

"Can we assume Ghost still knows this information? The stuff about Las Almas being involved?" Price asks, and Laswell narrows her eyes, a sly smirk crossing her features as she debates commenting on Price's avoidance of her obvious accusation that Soap didn't merely get lucky.

"Most likely. It's pretty clear this information wasn't as valuable to protect. It's possible he could have seen something before obtaining the flash-drive. Makes you wonder how he got it in the first place." Price matches Laswell's mischievous smile, but once again avoids changing the topic.

"Will we be sent to Las Almas?" Laswell's smile drops and is instead replaced with a glare of frustration.

"Yes. I've already contacted someone I know down there. Colonel Alejandro Vargas with Los Vaqueros, Mexican Special Forces. He'll set you guys up with a place to stay and anything else you need. Think Ghost will be in town with your team?" Laswell's voice drips with confidence as she tries to pry into Price's thoughts. Price leans forward, folding his hands on his desk. Laswell remains calmly relaxed in her seat, not giving any sign of backing down.

"What are you trying to ask me, Kate?" She chuckles at the use of her first name, knowing Price is done beating around the bush.

"I believe you and Sergeant MacTavish didn't tell the full truth about how he obtained the flash-drive. If it weren't for how rattled he was, I would be inclined to believe Ghost was never involved." Price drops his head as a few small chuckles rattle through his chest.

"That's a bold accusation, Laswell."

"It's well-founded."

"Is it now?"

"Yes. I saw the looks you and the sergeant exchanged during yesterday's meeting with General Shepherd. He didn't appear to be on the same page as you about the whole situation. Perhaps a miscommunication about what the report was going to be?" Laswell replies, and Price's smile darkens as he narrows his eyes again. Laswell uncrosses her legs and leans forward, elbows resting on her knees.

"Very good observation, I did indeed say something the sergeant would not have expected. But, what I said is true. You saw how Soap was during that meeting. His encounter with Ghost was... rough. He was shaking like a leaf when I got to him. At first, I didn't think much of it, but you have so much faith in him and Garrick I figured there was more to the story. I tried going over the mission during our return with him, but he wasn't all there." Laswell forces a smile as she tilts her head in thought.

"You're right. Sergeant MacTavish is an incredible soldier, and I've never seen anything impact him like that. But, I also know I've never seen anything like getting the assignment for Ghost impact you the way it did."

"Is that what this is really about? You're concerned about me?"

"Yes. You're really good at hiding things, Captain. That's the whole reason I haven't already figured it out, but I know something about Ghost upset you the second you saw the assignment." Price sighs heavily and sinks back into his office chair. He will never admit it to her, but he missed having these chess matches with Laswell. She was the only one since his lieutenant that could see right through him and play mind games to keep him on his toes. But he never liked losing to the lieutenant, and he certainly hates losing to Laswell even more.

"Want to tell me what that's about?" Laswell presses at Price's continuing silence.

"What what's about?"

"Why did the mission assignment to capture or kill Ghost upset you so badly?" Price frowns at her, hoping his glare alone would dissuade her from pressing the matter. She doesn't relent, her stare unchanging and solid.

"I already told you. I don't want my task force to become another damn statistic."

"It's more personal than that."

"Does it have to be?" Price bites back, and his sudden aggression gives Laswell pause. She leans back and crosses her arms over her chest, frowning in thought as she stares across at her friend. His eyes give nothing away this time, and she knows he's consciously hiding everything he can from her. Damn mind games with a damn elite task force captain.

"I would believe so, given you've never had such a reaction to any other mission."

"Tell me, Kate, have you ever led a team of young men to what very well could be their death?" Laswell purses her lips, letting the action alone be her response.

"Didn't think so. Every other team assigned to Capture or Kill Ghost has become a fucking statistic. I have a perfect track record, and I'm not about to lose my men to some fucking urban legend." Laswell's eyes widen the slightest bit at Price's outburst. She hesitates, but the flash of something more gave her the hook she was looking for.

"Almost perfect."

"Beg pardon?" Price's voice lowers almost to a growl, but Laswell remains steadfast in her decision to pry even further.

"You lost your lieutenant several years ago, on mission, Price. That means you don't have a perfect record." Price scowls at her, turning his chair to face away from her.

"Don't remind me. That mission was my biggest failure. I owe everything to him to not lose another one of my men by being boneheaded. That mission was a trap, just like this one." Laswell's cold exterior drops at Price's rambling. She didn't know Price during the time of his lieutenant, and only met him a year or so afterwards. She never truly understood what that one casualty meant to him. That is, until just now.

"You don't know that this is a trap."

"I do, Laswell, that's the fucking problem. Ghost is a man beyond fact, a myth, an urban legend. I mean look what the fucker did to my new sergeant after just one encounter! How can I rest easy knowing I'm sending these two to their deaths?" Laswell sighs and focuses on gathering up her things.

"I'm just concerned about you, John. You've never acted like this in all the years I've known you. I'm scared for you and the boys, but there's nothing either of us can do about it. You have your orders and I have mine. Just don't let the stories get to you. Ghosts are only scary when you believe in them." And with that, Laswell quietly sees herself out of his office, leaving a fuming Price trying everything to push back the burning sensation of tears.

#writer ask game #snootles's askbox #snootles answers

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thebestofoneshots · 8 months

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I read this post and immediately thought of you because honestly, it's the same scenario with me 😭😭I've got elephant memory so I can tell you that I do remember being much more vocal as I am rn on Tumblr because of you. I remember reading your stories and going, "You know what? "F*** it, I'm gonna comment and repost,"

You've also given me inspiration to write my own stories ~

So yes, not only do you write fantastic stories that everyone enjoys, but you inspire them and encourage them to do better, and get through their day-to-day lives. (I think I've told you this on another ask after you got that rather hateful comment ☹️)

Keep being your amazing self, or as some of my friends say, "Slay queen!! ✨"

Also, how are you? Not many people on here ask you that 😭

Ahhhh darling! This is so adorable! Thank you so much 。°(°.◜ᯅ◝°)°。

Personally, I love interacting with everyone here, both my own readers and creators that I admire! I must seem like a very outgoing person here lol, but truly, I just love spreading the love ૮꒰ ˶• ༝ •˶꒱ა ♡

I think what I've found this past few months is that Tumblr is an incredible and welcoming community (at least what I have encountered so far) and I think it's absolutely lovely! I had tried writing in the past on things like fanfiction.net and I had never had this level of engagement with something I wrote, and I'm truly grateful I have been given this opportunity.

I remember seeing blogs getting asked and having mutuals and I was slightly jealous because "How do you even become friends with people?" Turns out it's a lot easier than I thought. All you need is someone willing to engage and you'll be making tons of friends on this platform. I must say, I love my moots, you included, and I'm so thankful that Gilded Constellations gave me the chance to meet you all.

And the fact that I've even inspired you to write? And that you write so lovely it's incredible! I never thought it'd be inspiring people to do things but it feels so nice to be told you do?

And not only that, but I've been inspired by all of you as well, to stay committed, to continue writing and giving GC my all. To push through those chapters that are harder to write and to enjoy those moments I get to write as much as possible, sometimes thinking "Oh, they're so gonna love this!!" To pay attention to my spelling and to learn new fancy words and ways to describe feelings to enrich my writing.

You have truly made me both, a better writer and a better person.

How am I? I'm good actually, back to daily life but also pumped for the chance to continue writing GC! Also super excited to finish and revise and eventually, hopefully, be able to make my own printed version of it just to have on my shelf ᥫ᭡

You also keep slaying my darling ૮꒰ ˶• ༝ •˶꒱ა ☆*。*.·+★

Read Gilded Constellations

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languajix · 5 months

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L: How many times do you usually revise your fic/chapter before posting? Q: How do you feel about collaborations? R: Are there any writers (fanfic or otherwise) you consider an influence?

Hello! Thank you for the ask! These have been a lot of fun to answer :D

Q: How do you feel about collaborations?

I've never really done collaborations. I don't know how they generally work!

I'd worry a little about how slow I write and how stringent I can be about editing/tweaking (I moved the editing answer down below a cut because it got long.) I wouldn't want to disappoint someone by taking too long to respond. I can take multiple hours to write a hundred words I'm happy with, sometimes.

If that wasn't a total turnoff and someone was genuinely interested, I suppose I'd be open! I think I'd prefer working with someone I've had some interactions with - conversations in comments or tags or asks, tumblr mutuals, etc. And I may say no for a variety of reasons. But you can always shoot me a message and ask!

L: How many times do you usually revise your fic/chapter before posting?

This one is going under a cut because it turned long:

...so many.

I don't think I can quantify it, honestly.

I reread and tweak and rearrange constantly as I write. By the time that I have a single scene fully written, I've reread and edited it anywhere from five to forty times at least.

Then, I reread scenes as a lead up to the scenes that follow, to keep mood and characterization as consistent as possible, and I'm making tweaks then too. All the time.

Once I have something most of the way written:

I do at least two rereads focusing specifically on character dialogue, playing it in their voices in my head and adjusting as needed. Does this feel like something the character would say? Is this the way I feel they would say it?

I do a reread for general consistency - are all the characters physically where they should be within a scene? Does the mood/vibe seem generally consistent?

I do a reread for character consistency - Is the character development through the story or characterization in general somewhat consistent? Do characters know things they shouldn't, or do they act like they don't know something they should?

I do a reread or two for variety - is there too much of the same thing, mood wise? Dialogue wise? Does a tense moment need a breather, or an extended happy moment need a little something wistful for contrast? Do characters move repetitively? Is there a word that sticks - repeating over and over, unintentionally, feeling clunky?

I do a reread pretending I'm a first time reader, trying to figure out where sticking points/confusing bits might be, and trying to figure out what sort of message or vibe the reader will get from it.

I reread a few more times just looking at it as a whole to make sure I'm happy with it, and I always notice a few more things to tweak.

After I dump the text into AO3's editor, I look at the chapter on AO3's draft page and once again try to pretend I'm a first time reader. The change in font helps make it easier to spot errors and clunky bits. More tweaks.

After I post, I reread again several times out of jitters, and sometimes I even find more things to tweak, but by that point I've mostly exhausted the little editor gnome that lives in my brain.

It's exhausting. I actually hate editing!! A lot!!! I think most people find the writing bit of writing to be the hardest and most time consuming part. I wish.

At the same time, I'm a lot more satisfied and more comfortable with the results after all that than I would be if I didn't go through all of this. It's kind of a way to shave off a tiny bit of my usual posting anxiety by pre-loading the anxiety, ha.

R: Are there any writers (fanfic or otherwise) you consider an influence?

Going all the way back to the late 2000s, I was really into Stargate fic. Reading works by synecdochic such as freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose or city on the edge of forever (the pilot) was a really formative experience, I really think.

From some of synecdochic's works, I learned how powerful character voice can affect the vibe of an entire story. How much can be said with simple, straightforward statements, and how evocative longer sentences can be. How format can be played with. How meaningful simple character interactions can be, and how much can go unspoken but still be present within the moment.

I mean, I just reread city on the edge of forever (the pilot) recently, and the structure of it, those isolated scenes, kind of reminded me a tiny little bit of how I've been approaching Hold Every Memory. I don't think that's a coincidence.

Anyways, thank you again for the ask! Hope you're having a nice evening.

#jix stuff #ask game

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silvershayde · 4 months

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Sharing cus tbh I feel lonely rn and I'm very confused? Feeling s bit uninspired

So today (last day of classes before mid term break) I had an eye appointment and they said my eyes produce less tears, Haven't read up on it but they also mentioned technology and how it causes headaches

I'm almost done with school so I actually have soooooooo much free time sans the studying I gotta do, but I also wanne reduce my technology usage cus I have a crippling dependency ever since I had to revise my other hobbies to not get out of track with classes, but just thinking of picking up those hobbies again feels daunting and like, I won't be able to feel the love I had for them which makes me sad :(

I already crochet and have books to draw in, but writing for fic has always been online cus it's just easier to save and preserve my writing that way (plus more secure in my case) than to write ideas in a book and run the risk of them getting lost. But I really wanna cut down tech usage so instead of just writing out the plot in full I'll use paper and pen to write out the outline of my story plots and then make notes of the misadventures or side quests the characters go through and the characteristics of the characters

Honestly, I'm talking about this to someone else cus I kinda want an alternative perspective? I realised that school has made me so dependent on someone telling me what to do and I hate it, so I wanna try and practice independence more, especially planning how I wanna do my hobbies

okay, so as someone who has written stories both online and physically in a book, i was more productive writing it down on paper. sadly i did lose the book, but that was more because i did move around quite a bit when i was younger and it was hectic and not because of negligence on my part (then again i am also known for losing things but usually i eventually find them. and i actually don't know if i would read it back or not i was like 12 when i wrote it lolol)

I don't know too much about less tears can do to your eyes other than your more prone to have irritation and straight up scratches on the eyeball (i know this because my optician told me i had this but then didn't tell me what to do about it - still haven't done anything about it but i know eyedrops help)

honestly do what you truly think is best for you. if you're struggling with what to choose i suggest doing a pros and cons list and put em side by side. that's what i do when i'm truly indecisive and other's opinions don't really help. but! i will say that even if indecisive and asking others opinions, usually you lowkey know deep down what you wanna do and all it takes is someone else's thought process to know if you would fully go for it.

if you wanna cut down tech usage, instead of going cold turkey and making it harder for yourself, use night shift/night light (or whatever is your device/phone's equivalent) so you can reduce blue light at night. I know that androids have this black and white thing that gets enabled at a time for you. ALSO!! i cannot stress this, disable notifications. You'd be surprised about how much less you'd go on apps and stuff when notifs be off. But this is all the stuff that's worked for me personally, you can try these out to see if they work.

eye strain is a very real thing. technology/screens/whatever are usually what causes this and even looking away from a screen and doing something else can make it worse if it gets that bad. when you start to get that annoying thing at the back of your eyes or you feel a light ache around your eyes, know your slowly starting to experience eye strain and you need to relax them. having dry eyes i think make it worse because of the scratching/irritation it can cause and because if your eyes are dry enough, your ability to BLINK would start to get affected. and that's just a long day

about your other hobbies, i get it feeling daunting if you havent dabbled in a while, i feel it whenever i get back to drawing after a long while. all i can say to that is slowly ease yourself back into doing it. start small, because if you go in acting as if there has been no time between the last time you've participated in your hobbies, you could start being overly harsh on yourself if it isn't going as smooth as you wanted. but trying it out, is better than not at all. and it'd help reduce screen time

#silveranswers #mutuals #i hope this helps you come to a decision #honestly i do get where you're coming from #there isn't anything bad about reducing screen time if anything i say go for it #just make sure there's something there to replace it otherwise it'd become unnecessarily difficult to stay away from it #strong power to you <3

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chronotopes · 7 months

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ok here i will ask question as well. how do you deal with writing characters that aren't your own in a setting like al2rnia? i have my own techniques for hypecastr writing but i wanna hear yours!

also i promise i'll finish liveblogging ch6 to you eventually i just dont want it to be over skldfjlkjdf

Honestly I LOVE doing this because it is functionally like writing other peoples’ characters in a fic except your friends made them and you can ask them questions! It comes easier for some characters than others - I’ve read so much eubala voice in vtn that I can tap into that without really going back and rereading unless I need to on a very targeted basis. For a cameo character like fisall it’s more of a question of consulting the creator and source material - I reread the entire dinner party chapter as well as talking with Esther about how he and Thauma would be behaving in the given scenario. If it’s someone like Sasara, who is a major character but doesn’t have the same wordvolume of written dialogue that Eubala would have, sometimes I defer back to a voice I’ve already written and work from there. Sasara, Kanaya, Savant Latoil, and Rose Lalonde all operate on aesthetically similar but very distinct versions of collected, sardonic cleverness. If you have a foundational concept to work from and are good at spotting the differences, and willing to ask your friends for help / tweak things as you go, you’re golden. And I’ve found that I have to be comfortable with writing it imperfectly the first time and then working through it with revisions.

I’d be super curious to hear your own thoughts!!

#asks

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coralhoneyrose · 10 months

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The Princess and the Frog Chrobin AU... you don't know how hyped I was to read that.

I'm the exact opposite where I can't seem to write longfic. Do you have any suggestions for someone looking to try her hand at one?

Ohh I'm so glad that you're excited by the idea! 😊 Honestly there is such a tragic dearth of Birb!Robin content that I feel compelled to remedy it myself haha. And I think the fairytale-ish angle has a lot of fun / cute potential!

As for suggestions on getting into writing long fic, I certainly wouldn't consider myself an expert by any stretch, but I can tell you what has worked for me!

Find an idea that you *love* that just won't let you go

This, really, is the biggest tip I have. Obviously it's going to vary some based on the efficiency of the writer and just HOW long of a long fic we're talking about, but you're going to be thinking about and working on this fic for a long time. If that work isn't something you are extremely excited about, it's very quickly going to start to feel like a drag and become challenging to see through. Again, I can only speak to my own experience here, but I have thought about my long fics in some capacity for at least a few hours every day for the last two years (and often much much more than that LOL). Definitely I have days where I am not in the mood to write or I am not in a great head space with the fic and need to take a step back. But when all is said and done, it's still a story I am excited to tell and involves scenarios I *want* to have an excuse to think about all the time, day after day. If you're that excited about the ideas, I think that alone will carry you far!

2. Ask yourself why you want to write a long fic

To elaborate: what is it that a long fic allows you to do that you feel as though you can't accomplish in a shorter fic instead? Extensive world building? A more intricate plot? The answer to this question should drive a lot of your story conceptualization process. Honestly for me the biggest draws of long fic are how it lends itself to slow-burn, extensive opportunities for agonizing pining, and the ability to portray much more gradual character growth. Those are three of the things I love most in the fics and novels I read *and* three things that I love to write about. Because those things are such big priorities for me, the way I formed and built my story ideas around them was already very naturally geared towards long fic--I didn't have to try to fit it into that mold at all!

3. Find a good beta reader

Easier said than done, I know, but I genuinely think a fresh set of eyes / a brain to pick when you're stuck makes a world of difference. I cannot tell you how many times I have gotten myself into a deep rut with my long fics that I was convinced there was no way out of, or where I'd written a whole chapter draft that I thought was un-salvageable only for my beta reader to provide a very elegant solution / quickly pinpoint and direct me towards what wasn't working so that I wouldn't have to throw out the whole thing. One of the dangers with long fic is that you're working on it for so long that your sense of how things move and progress in the story and where they are going winds up being very divorced from the way readers experience it. Having someone else who can give you outside POV on what's working and what's not is invaluable during the drafting and revising process. Ideally that person would also have tastes that align well with your own and be someone who you can trust to be both honest and encouraging (even better if they know the characters of the world well and can give feedback from that angle too) but I do recognize perfect beta readers don't grow on trees. If not a full fledged beta reader, I think having a close friend or two who you can talk through the writers blocks or concerns with is helpful too!

4. Plan ahead but don't be afraid to change directions

Probably the most subjective piece of advice on here since I know different writers vary wildly with how much they like / need to plan ahead, but this is the combination that I've found has worked best for me. The reason being that if you don't do *some* more extensive idea generating and planning before hand I don't think it gives you anything to get hyped up about and look forward to. Having a big exciting moment in the story that you can't wait to write is a really good motivator, but unless you are very good at delayed gratification, brainstorming smaller moments along the way that are iddy and fun while still moving you closer to that big moment will be imperative for motivating yourself to stick it out long enough to get there. That being said, I don't think you have to feel locked into those early ideas either. Things are going to occur to you as you're writing that didn't during the planning stages. New ideas you like better, logistical bumps you didn't think to account for, the discovery that a character feels a different way about something than how you anticipated they would...there's a whole bunch of possibilities and all of them may wind up derailing your initial vision to varying degrees. And I think that's okay! Part of the writing process is re-discovering the world and characters from new angles...I honestly think it would be odd if that *didn't* impact the story's direction, at least a little! And generally I think those changes just tend to make the story even better in the end~

5. Let the fic be gratuitous and self-indulgent

Echoes of this are present in some of the previous pieces of advice, but I think it bears repeating as a separate (and final) point. Don't be afraid to pile on as many of your favorite tropes as you can!! Build your fic concept so that it includes lots of story beats and themes you're a sucker for every time. The more opportunities you find to load in things that you love, the more fun you'll have writing and thinking about the idea and the more likely it is that you'll both have an idea big enough to write a long fic for and that you'll be willing to stick it out and see it through to the end 💕

Okay...I think that's all I've got. This was so long and apologies if you were not looking for an answer anywhere near this detailed but, well, I did say I struggle to write anything short LOL Thank you for being interested enough in my perspective and experiences to ask in the first place! And I hope you'll find something I said here was helpful!

#Asks #Jubileen #Writing #Writing advice #My fics

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404unrequited · 6 days

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On Grief

Most people give terrible advice when it comes to grief.

That’s a bit harsh, let me take a step back. It’s really not terrible advice, and I am immensely thankful to the people I had in my corner who did their best to help.

Much of the advice you get after a significant loss is very kind, thoughtful and sweet — it comes from a good place, but it’s not conducive to you actually moving on and resolving the underlying issues.

My loved one passed last month, and it put me in a very dark place. Our relationship was complicated, and a lot of things went unspoken or unresolved. This made things even more difficult, and it’s something I’m still grappling with. I spent about a month, a little over a month actually, just moping around, and only just recently broke out of that cycle.

I kept hearing variations on the advice of:

“Be patient with yourself.”

“It’s okay to not feel okay.”

“Take all the time you need.”

“Everyone grieves differently.”

Honestly, it is good to hear this. To a certain extent, I think some people might need it. There are many people out there that don’t deal with their emotions in the way they should, and they run away from them. I’m not advocating for that, you should take the time to cry, feel what you’re feeling, and think through what it means for your life.

I really need to underscore that again, because the rest of what I have to say builds on top of you actually really working through this emotionally. You should take the time to cry, feel what you’re feeling, and think through what it means for your life. None of this advice matters unless you’re still doing your best to process everything emotionally.

Momentum is so important though. It’s extremely easy to get wrapped up in a cycle of feeling sorry for yourself, of treading water or even just letting yourself drown. You can’t do that. At a certain point, you do have to try your best to take a step forward and move. You don’t have to sprint yet, you don’t even have to jog.

I’m going to give you some really generic advice that you’ve probably heard for many other things, but it’s evergreen for a reason. I’ll give you some other advice that was helpful for me in my own inner dialogue as well.

You need to hit the gym. Clean up your diet, and do something hard. I don’t care what it is, but it has to be something you don’t really want to do, something you may feel a little bit physically uncomfortable doing.

Run. Lift. Dance.

I don’t care what it is, you just need to physically move, and to struggle with some part of it, feeling like you’re close to maximal effort. Eat good food too — a clean diet with as few processed foods as possible, and a high amount of protein. Treat your body well physically, and I promise the mental part will become more malleable, it will be easier to hold it together when you still feel like falling apart.

Here’s where it gets a little more personal, and may diverge from the experience you’ve had with your own grief. I fell into a whole existential crisis. The death of a loved one is so different from anything else that I’ve faced, and I didn’t know how to deal with it. It made me face my own mortality in a way that thus far, I hadn’t. I came face to face with these thoughts of what I’m here for, what my goals truly are, and many doubts as to whether I’m taking the steps I need to take to achieve them.

In hindsight, as I’ve now been grappling with this for a few weeks, I think this is pretty normal. This article is going to be somewhat of a work in progress, because for this point in particular, I don’t think I have all the answers yet — I’ll probably write a part two at some point, or maybe make revisions. It’s still in progress, and I guess part of me hopes that by writing this I will find the answer. Maybe writing this is even part of that?

So far though, I’ve listened to many podcasts, I’ve tried to broaden my perspective by reading, and I’ve talked with friends for hours on end about this war I’m waging internally with my own mind. I started to write more, both code and regular words. This feels good, but I don’t necessarily know what it will lead to later down the road.

It’s a bit ironic, but I find myself wanting to bring up some of the advice I was admonishing earlier in the article. I want to tell you to be kind to yourself, to be patient with yourself. You don’t have to have it figured out immediately, and I think in the midst of that sort of existential crisis, you really do feel like you should have it figured out, but that’s just not the case.

Let yourself explore the world, and the possibilities in front of you with a sense of childlike wonder and curiosity. Try to open up your eyes to all the options you have ahead of you, and think hard on which ones you’d like to explore, then just move. Keep the momentum going, and try anything that sounds like it may be interesting. Give it a real effort though, don’t just try shit without finishing it.

I hope that someone stumbles upon this when they’re in the same spot that I was a month ago. If even one person that really needs it happens to read this, and takes the advice to heart, it would have been worthwhile for me to sit down and dump this from my brain to the page it now resides on.

To wrap this up, you need to move. Physically, but mentally as well. Keep the momentum going, and don’t allow yourself to tread water for so long that you end up drowning.

It might feel like this is ruining you, but it isn’t. I promise.

Do something physical, it doesn’t matter what. It should be hard though, maybe even a bit uncomfortable. Try new things, and put real effort into them. Similarly to the exercise, it doesn’t matter what these things are as long as you get genuine fulfillment out of them.

Eat clean too. Put good things into your body, be physically kind to yourself and you will feel better, even if it is a marginal difference.

Pay attention to the wonder in the world. Follow it. The goal is to find your curiosity again.

I think I probably wrote this just as much for me as I did for this future reader I am envisioning. I hope this helps though. If this did strike a chord, and you’re in the same spot I was a month ago, just know that you will be okay. This is all temporary, and as long as you take the right steps you will come out of it even stronger than you were before.

Note:

I just finished writing this, and I don’t want to add anything more to it or revise. I think it gets my thoughts across clearly and I stand on everything I said. That being said though, I did forget something very important. It was strangely timed, but I read Tuesdays With Morrie about a week before my loved one passed, and I’m immensely grateful for that. I can’t recommend that book enough, and I think a lot of the lessons in that book are incredibly valuable to digest in a time of mourning as well.

This book speaks a lot to the idea of building and nurturing the community around you, of the importance of family, of love, and other extremely important things like this. I could write a whole article on this part, but instead I’d really like to implore you to read the book. Mitch Alborn, the writer, did a much better job than I possibly could synthesizing all of these lessons into one spot.

#william murphy

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levelsevenlaserlotus · 2 years

Text

Holy Ground

Part 4

AN: Not sure if y’all are going to upset with me or not after reading this. But I’m really happy with how this turned out! Shout out to @sweetmissnothing for reading and revising!!

Paring: Natasha Romanoff x Reader

Warnings: Swearing, conversations around sex

Summary: When your babysitter cancels last minute, you have no choice but to bring you daughter with you to your college class. There, you daughter seems to catch the attention of your hot redhead professor.

Words: 3.6k

Masterlist Part 1 Part 2 Part 3

“Going to the zoo! Going to the zoo!” Stella sings, running excitedly all over the apartment as you chase after her to get her dressed. You had gotten yourself ready before going after your daughter.

“We can’t go to the zoo until you get dressed.” You tell her gently, you have to hold back a laugh as Stella bounds over, and collapses against you sighing as dramatically as she could. Placing your hands under her arms, you tickle her until she’s squirming in your hands. You place a kiss on her hairline, you pick her up and walk to her room to help her get dressed.

“Alright sweetheart, what do you want to wear?” You ask. Stella scrunches up her face, thinking. Whenever your daughter had a hard time making a decision, you found that letting her pick between two options made things a lot easier. This way she wasn’t going to the park in the hand knit sweater grandma got her, that was hand wash only, but still made her feel like she had a choice in her wardrobe.

“Do you want to wear pants or a skirt?”

“Dress.” The toddler giggles as if she’s getting away with something. You nod, pulling out a few different options and holding them up against her body as if you were a fashion consultant.

“Which dress do you want to wear Miss. Stella?” You put on your best game show voice, which makes Stella burst into laughter. She points her little hand at the blue dress with a skirt full of ruffles and secret pockets that she loved to put things in.

“That’s what I was thinking too.” You say, helping her out of her pajama top, and pull her head and arms through the correct holes. You’d let her dress herself, only the last time she insisted on dressing herself she came out of her room crying. She somehow managed to get her head stuck through one of the arm holes.

You find cream colored leggings for her to wear under her dress. Something that makes Stella whine the entire time.

“Stella it’s October, you’re going to be cold if you don’t wear them.” You lecture her, giving her a look that Wanda has dubbed, your mom face.

This placates her and she even lets you help her into her pink sneakers without a single complaint, when you know she’d rather wear flats. Something you immediately said no too. You’d be walking a lot today and you didn’t want to carry Stella the entire time because she didn’t wear the right shoes and her feet hurt.

You let her pick out a glittery headband with a flower on the side, and kiss her cheek in front of the mirror.

“Now that’s the prettiest princess I’ve ever seen.” You tell her honestly. As you double check the tote bag with everything you needed for the day your phone vibrates with a text.

Laura

I’m so sorry something came up so I can’t go to the zoo, but don’t worry Natasha and Lila will still be there.

You immediately text back that it was okay and not to worry, something close to happiness bubbles up inside of you thinking about being somewhat alone with Natasha.

“Ready to go little duck?” You ask, as you zip up Stella’s sweater, she nods her head and takes your offered hand.

You buckle Stella in her car seat and get the GPS routed to the zoo. It’s a pleasant 20 minute car ride, you had put in your ABBA’s greatest hits CD and the two of you sang along together. If there was one thing you wanted to instill in your daughter it was good music taste.

As you pull into a parking spot you check the time, 9:55 am, right on time. You walk with Stella to the front gate to wait for Natasha and Lila to meet you there. A few minutes later you see them walking up to you, tucking your phone into your bag, you go to greet them but it’s seem that Stella has you beat.

“Tasha! Lila!” Stella shouts, waving her hand in the air. Lila who was holding hands with her aunt leaves Natasha to go run up and hug Stella. Their blossoming friendship makes you smile and you give a shy wave to the approaching redhead.

“I hope you don’t mind that you’re pretty much stuck with me.” Natasha teases you lightly, the familiarity gives you butterflies.

“Ehh, there’s worse people I could be stuck with.” You shrug carelessly with the same familiarity.

“You guys are so slowwww.” Lila says impatiently, still holding hands with Stella. You turn to look at Natasha and roll your eyes, kids.

“Alright we're coming.” You call out, grabbing a map from the ticket booth.

“Ready?”

“Yessss!” The two girls cheer in unison.

You and Natasha follow behind the girls keeping a careful eye on them, the last thing you needed was another lost kid. This gives you an opportunity to really converse with Natasha. You're racking your head for something to say, the only good conversations you had with her involved others but that was not here nor there.

You’re wondering if you’re allowed to ask her about her college experience when she brings up the worst topic possible. English class.

“So have you started your easy on Beowulf and whether or not you believe him to be a war hero?” Natasha asks, looking at the lions laying in their enclosure. You’re grateful that she can't see your face, because the only thing she’d see is hurt.

You stupidly thought that maybe you were getting somewhere, where you weren’t sure but you liked the shift in your relationship. Natasha’s question struck something deep inside of you, maybe it was the fact that maybe you thought she might see you as someone other than her student.

“Tasha, can you read?” Stella asks, tugging on Natasha's sleeve. As she reads to Lila and Stella about the habitats of lions, you can't help but wonder. Was bringing up your essay Natasha's way of subtly reminding you that she was still your professor? Did she feel like you needed that reminder?

You find yourself getting close to choked up at the idea, stop this you tell yourself, you can be upset later not now, not in front of the kids, definitely not in front of Natasha.

“Well?” The redhead asks expectantly, tilting her head to the side in question.

You fumble for an answer, to be honest you had completely forgotten about the essay, you hadn’t even started, though you weren’t about to tell her that.

“Yeah.” You say carelessly. “I mean, I’m still working on it of course, but I -” You trail off when you see Natasha smirking. “What?”

“You haven’t even started, have you?” Natasha says knowingly.

“I - Well I mean, I -” You scramble to say something, but the woman just laughs and God, you can't help but think that’s such beautiful sound.

“Don’t worry I’m not going to give you a lecture, don’t think of me as your professor, not when we’re outside the classroom.” She says.

“How should I think of you when we're not in the classroom?” You dare to ask. You wanted, needed to know how you were supposed to see her, it was a tentative relationship. With Natasha being your professor, she needed the one who implemented the boundaries of whatever this was.

“Do you think you could think of me as a friend, outside of school, of course?” Natasha asks and you swear you see a hint of softness in her eyes. No, you couldn’t see her as just a friend, but if you weren’t allowed to see her as anything else, a friend would have to be enough.

“I already think of you as a friend.” You tell her with a smile, although it doesn’t quite reach your eyes.

“I’m honored, really.” Natasha says, giving you a smile back that makes a part of you want to die.

“Auntie Nat, giraffes!” Lila says as if she didn’t see the giraffes immediately the world was going to end.

“Duty calls.” You joke, the four of you make your way to see the giraffes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As you close the door to your bedroom, you collapse onto your bed completely boneless. Your feet ached and all you wanted to do was take a nap, but thanks to Natasha you were reminded of your Beowulf essay that was due next week. Not only that, but you really should take a shower and you had to make dinner.

You let out a loud groan into your bed covers, being an adult sucked. Pulling yourself together, you get up and trudge to the bathroom to take a shower.

You sigh as the hot water hits your back, the steam filling the bathroom and making you feel almost sleepy. You yawn as you scrub your body with your loofah, the smell of peonies and black current. Your mind wanders without your permission to what Natasha was doing. Was she showering the sweat and stress of the day as well? The thought was innocent enough until your mind began to conjure images of Natasha in the shower, naked, hot water pouring down her back. Fuck.

You turn around and fiddle with the shower faucet, until icy cold water hits your skin like hail, down your naked body. Well that helped, sort of.

As you towel dry, you sigh, it had been months since you had sex, even longer since you’d been in a relationship. It wasn’t that you preferred one night stands, it was just easier, no strings attached, and it scratched the itch when you were really desperate. Besides you were opposed to the idea of dating with a kid, that in itself introduced a whole other world of issues.

God you missed sex, Natasha was probably great in bed. Stop it, you tell yourself, you just took a cold shower. Normally you’d just stave off the worst of it with the pink, silicone vibrator that Wanda bought you as a joke. Although in the last couple weeks Stella had developed a habit of crawling into your bed during the night, something you loved but right now it was driving you insane.

However you were horny, like really horny, and you hadn’t been able to get any relief in nearly a month. You really just needed an hour with your vibrator to help take the edge off, but unless you wanted to scar your daughter for the rest of her life, you couldn’t do much.

You call Wanda as you rub lotion into your skin, she picks up immediately.

“I miss sex.” Is the first thing you say.

“Hello to you too.” Wanda says dryly.

“Sorry, it’s just been a while.” You rub your face tiredly, coffee, you needed coffee.

“Dry spell?” Wanda asks.

“You have no idea.” You reply, turning on the little coffee maker in your kitchen.

“How long?”

“Seven months.” You say, slightly embarrassed. You swear you hear Wanda choke in the background, but it’s muffled through the phone so you can’t tell.

“Seven months? Seriously? I haven’t gone that long without sex since I was 17.” Wanda says with disbelief in her voice.

“Don’t need to brag.” You bite back, but with enough levity in your voice that she knows you aren’t all that offended.

“What about barbie? Is she not keeping you good enough company?” Wanda asks after a moment.

Barbie was your vibrator Wanda named it, not you. She insisted on the name due to its bright pink color.

“Please don’t call it that, if anything it makes me more shameful. I thought the whole point of you getting me a vibrator, was that it was supposed to empower me or whatever.” You roll your eyes, pouring milk and creamer into your coffee.

“Barbie not enough?” Wanda says again and you know she’s smirking on her end of the phone.

“Barbie.” You say in a harsh tone “Has been out of commission for a while.”

“Out of commission? How? I thought you said you missed sex?” Wanda asks.

“I said I missed sex, not orgasms, they’re different things and besides…” You take a sip of your coffee, “Stella has been crawling into my bed almost every night for the past month. So I can’t do it, without running the risk of being caught.”

“So do it in the shower.” the Sokovian says easily. It’s a good idea in theory, one you already thought of and tried.

“Have you ever been around a toddler? They're like koala bears, they follow you everywhere.” You shake your head even though she can’t see.

Just a few days ago you were in the toilet, and Stella sat right outside the door talking to you. Even when you told her you’d just be a minute, she stayed and complained when you took longer than her idea of a minute.

“Koala bears aren’t even bears, they're marsupials.” Wanda says, then there’s a muffled sound that sounds like laughter.

“Whatever Wands, all I’m saying is that I need sex, badly.” You complain.

“So go to a bar and- TURN THAT DOWN, PIETRO! I’M ON THE PHONE- anyway sorry about that. Where was I? Oh right, if you miss sex so much, why don’t you just go have some?”

“If you’re drowning in the ocean why don’t you just swim?” You mock her warped sense logic.

“What I mean is you're hot, if you want to get laid it’s not hard. People would trip over themselves to have sex with you.” Wanda says.

“Ugh. Maybe, but who would watch Stella? And how would I even explain to her why I wouldn’t be home?” You rant.

“Me. I’d watch her, and it’s not like you have to spend the night. Just get what you need and leave. You’d be home before midnight.” Wanda offers.

You think it for a moment, it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world. It would scratch the itch and you wouldn’t even miss breakfast. It was at least something to consider.

“Isn’t that a little trashy? Hooking up with someone and just leaving?” You question.

“Maybe a little, Pietro does it enough and he sleeps fine.” Wanda laughs.

“Maybe you're right, I’ll think about it. Oh, before I forget, have you started that essay? The one on Beowulf?” You ask, plopping down on the couch with your laptop.

“Uh yeah, I actually just finished this morning, why?” There’s a pause. “Oh my god, you haven’t even started have you?” Wanda says accusingly.

“I’m working on it now.” You shrug sheepishly.

“Sure you are.”

“I am!” You say, defensively.

“You still want to go to that Italian restaurant? The one by that new pilates studio? We can even invite Pietro.” Wanda says and you vaguely remember rain checking on her.

You agree easily and even start working on your essay.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Hi, I have a reservation.” You say to the hostess, your eyes flickering around the room. Dim lighting, leaving the little candles on each table to illuminate the restaurant. It has that first date ambiance about it.

“Of course, what name is it under?” The hostess asks, flipping through a clipboard on the stand.

“Maximoff.”

“Found it, right this way.,” She says and you follow her through the restaurant.

“Pietro!” You say when you spot him a few tables away, smiling you come over to give him a hug.

“Ugh it’s been forever. Where’s Wanda? Did she go to the bathroom?” You ask, looking around the room for the familiar redhead.

“She had a last minute emergency, and couldn’t make it.” Pietro says looking apologetic but you wave him off.

“Don’t worry about it.” You shrug out of your jacket and sit down.

“You look nice.”

You blush a bit at the compliment, and then feel pathetic for the rosiness of your cheeks. Has it really been that long since you’d gotten validation, that Pietro telling you that you looked nice was enough to make you blush? God, you really were pathetic.

To your credit you had dressed up a bit, opting to wear a dress instead of jeans. A little black dress with heels, you even put on a bit of makeup. You looked nice, nice enough that Peter even thought you had a date.

Dinner’s wonderful, it has been so long since you’d been out with friends, even if you wished Wanda had been there it was wonderful. Conversation came easy and the food was great. You’re about to suggest dessert when you see her.

It would be impossible to miss Natasha, sitting a mere two tables away facing your direction. For a while you just gape at her, unable to believe it was her. Stop staring at her, you think and manage to force yourself to focus on Pietro, who was giving you a strange look.

“That’s Natasha, Ms. Romanoff. It’s complicated.” You tell him. You expect a flurry of questions from him but instead he just nods thoughtfully.

You sneak a look at Natasha who was sitting with another woman who had blonde hair. Natasha, like you was dressed up, a form fitting wrap dress that hugged her chest.

You take a moment to appreciate the view, her dress showed off more of her chest than you had ever seen and a healthy amount of cleavage, but still you wanted more.

You watched as she laughed at something the blonde had said, watched her lips move to form a smile. Her plump, perfect, kissable lips. You can’t help but think that if she kissed you, her red lipstick would certainly leave a mark.

“Do you want to share the tiramisu?” Pietro asks you, unbothered by the fact that your attention was elsewhere.

“Definitely.” You tell him and go right back to staring at Natasha.

Then the unthinkable happens, you make eye contact. It’s brief and lasts for less than a second but it was there. You’re now openly staring at her, trying to gauge her reaction, but her face was marble and unreadable. Her eyes flickering to Pietro and the wine glasses before you and then she’s pushing out of her chair and walking away.

You scramble after her, all common sense leaving your body as you follow after her. You stand outside the bathroom door, shifting your weight from foot to foot. Natasha obviously wanted space and got you chasing after her. The right thing to do would be walking back to your seat, instead you push open the door and see Natasha leaning against the sink, her face in her hands.

“You okay?” You want to smack yourself over the head for that one, she obviously isn’t okay or she wouldn’t be here. “Sorry that was a stupid question.” You say, your fingers playing with a loose thread on the skirt of your dress.

Natasha looks up, sniffling a little bit, looking more vulnerable than you’ve ever seen her. She laughs weakly and shakes her head, pushing herself off the bathroom counter.

“I’m fine.”

“I’m your friend, you don’t have to lie to me.” You sound so sincere, you almost believe yourself.

“That’s the problem, I don’t want to -” She cuts herself off, running her hand through her hair.

“You don’t want to do what?” You gently prod her, you want her to open up to you, confide in you the way you want to confide in her.

“I don’t want to be your friend.”

And just like that all the air feels like it’s been sucked out of the room. You feel like you’ve been physically struck, the hurt you feel at her words is so completely foreign to you. Tears pick at your eyes and your face goes red hot.

“Okay then.” You say softly, unable to hide the hurt in your voice.

“Wait- it’s not like that.” Natasha laughs unnaturally “We can’t be friends, I can’t just be friends with you.”

You stop at that, could it be that, maybe just maybe that Natasha felt similarly?

“I’m sorry I interrupted your date.” Natasha says after a couple beats and turns away to walk out of the bathroom door. You have to stop her, she can’t leave, not before you explain.

“Wait! Natasha!” You grab her wrist tightly. “Wanda!” You call out desperately.

She turns around, looking hurt but also confused and you rush to speak before she can leave again.

“The guy I’m with, he’s Wanda’s brother. We’re not dating, our relationship has always been strictly platonic.” You hope that this will be enough for her to stop and listen, give you enough time to explain that you wanted her as much as you thought she might want you back. “Natasha, please.” You beg.

Natasha takes a step forward and another one until you can feel her breath. Your grip on her wrist loosens, until you drop it all together. She looks at you, her dark green eyes studying your face. Finally she whispers.

“You’re my student.”

“Yes.” You say.

“And I’m your professor.”

“Yes.” You have an idea on where this was going but you hope that you're wrong. That she won’t pull away from you.

“Which is why this can’t happen.”

“No.” Your voice hardens, it wasn’t fair, Natasha was the first person to ever make you feel this way, and now she was walking away.

“I’m sorry.” Natasha says and she really does look sorry.

“Wait! If you’re, if you're going to walk away then at least tell me, that it wasn’t just me. That you feel it too.” You swallow hard, tears blurring your vision.

Natasha walks over to you again and places a gentle kiss on your cheek and whispers into your ear.

“It wasn’t just you, I promise”

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ryehouses · 2 years

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It might be too early to ask this, given the fic isn't finished being published yet, but I'd love to pick your brain about how it was for you to write such a long fic.

I also wrote one that grew a life of its own around the halfway mark lol. What have you learned from writing it? Anything that was super difficult at first but got easier over time? What advise would you give to Past You when they wrote the first sentence? Anything you'd do differently?

lol i apologize i opened the floodgates and all of these words fell out!

THIS IS A GREAT ASK, SO THANK YOU.

in order:

i learned SO MUCH during this process (seriously, i am eagerly waiting for star wars trivia night to come back to our local bar, because i'm pretty sure that i'd win this year). odd bits of star wars lore! a whole bunch about food! what the inside of my eyeballs look like 8 or 9 hours into an intensive revision session! but from a technical standpoint, i think what i learned that will help me the most going forward in writing projects is the benefit of outlining a project and referencing the outline as i go through the project. this probably won't come as a surprise, but projects often mutate and grow on me in the middle -- or the beginning -- or the second middle -- or the very end when i should be done but definitely have to pursue another errant thought -- and if i don't have the major plot points already charted out, i can pretty easily lose the thread of the plot and therefore the motivation to keep going. with ast, the initial outline has been a godsend, even though the plot has grown and shifted as the fic has gone on. the major points i wanted to hit were already written down, so it was a lot easier to maintain focus on this project than on some others.

boba's voice was actually super fucking difficult for me to get and present consistently, especially early on in the fic when din is trying to get a read on him! i had a really hard time deciding how i wanted boba to sound and talk and think and act -- at the point of most of my worldbuilding and outlining, there really wasn't a ton of boba in canon and legends/the eu can be a mess and also wildly inconsistent, so i didn't have much to go on. i think i probably have five or six drafts of the first couple of chapters from boba's pov in the depths of my ast folder, trying to build a consistent tone. (also, not pursuing every scrap of detail that was interesting to me was very difficult, and is part of the reason why ast includes probably 50-75k alone in, like, descriptions of food or tusken culture or random asides about din's childhood with paz and annika.)

honestly, i would tell Past Me to unclench and try not to worry so much about making it perfect. a lot of delays in the revision process have come from Obsessively Reworking Things in order to make up for pouring so much of my internal mess (didn't know i had that much religious trauma, to be honest!) into the fic, and i probably didn't need to stress myself out that much.

oof okay. this is really tough. part of me says "yes, absolutely," because i feel like i really did go haring off down some avenues that i probably shouldn't have, for the sake of condensing the plot. i could and maybe should have pared down some of the tusken and ahra stuff to focus more tightly on the mandalore stuff. the other part of me says "no, absolutely not," because i have had an enormous amount of fun working on this project!! i have learned so much and really ignited my passion for learning things again -- i have actually read nonfiction books that aren't about fish this year, which is huge for me -- and i've rekindled some of my affection for writing (which is good, considering... how much writing has gone into this thing) and also my love for star wars, which is HUGE. i was a very small fry in the star wars fandom circa 2008-2010, around the time that the clone wars was coming out and the fandom was... being itself... and i was really excited to come back in 2015, but around that time i felt like there wasn't much room in the fandom for me between the ship wars and the everything else, so i stayed out. it has been really, really nice to come back, lol, and to settle into a niche that so far has been pretty chill, so. no, i think, i'm good with the way things shook out for ast! not much i'd change at this point, except maybe somehow making ao3 count one word for every two?

#ast asks #sorry this is long lol #<3

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