#i journaled about this for over 2 hours this morning lol

[heartoftheancientsea]

I’ve been journaling about the same thing for so many days in a row. I haven’t done this since I was anxious about being in college. It’s really weighing on my heart and writing is the only way I can seem to get it out of me. Idk why, whenever sad things happen I just bury myself in so much shame until I convince myself again and again and again that it wasn’t my fault.

[bridgertonandchocolate]

Top Polin moments from part 1. I can't put them in any particular order because I really LOVED ALL of them. Truly. But there is obviously a top favorite. If it's not everyone's #1 I don't know what you've been watching.

Carriage. Need we say more?! This is the top Polin moment of part 1. The way I finished the season around 6:30 in the morning and then proceeded to watch the carriage scene over and over for about an hour straight before I had to leave for work. They told us we weren't ready and they were right. I'm still not ready and I must have watched it hundreds of times. The rollercoaster of emotions from the anger and desperation to the despair to pure love and laughing together. Not to mention I think this has to be one of the longest Bridgerton love scenes (besides Simon and Daphne's honeymoon probably). It was the hottest make-out sesh followed by some special finger time I've ever seen. The way that you know they're both gonna be kinky too. The hair tugging and smirk. The AFTERCARE. Good god. I can't. It's fantastic. The way you can see in Colin's eyes that he's like "she's my wife now and forever" before he climbs out of the carriage. He's like maybe I should ask her lol. This will be my favorite scene of Bridgerton forever until part 2 comes out probably and then it might get topped.

Now in no particular order:

2. Cake. I really want to know what was going through Luke Newton's mind when he was watching her lick icing off her fingers. Because...the boy was hungry. You can't tell me he wasn't thinking about just how her mouth tastes but other parts too. You know he was. Also throwback to season 1 when Marina told Pen babies basically came from cake lol. And then Colin bought the same cake just to taste what she tasted and he LICKED HIS FINGER just like her and then looked at her. Like...bro be more subtle please.

3. "Shall we gallop on?" The two of them laughing together is something I absolutely ADORE about them. Colin and his dad jokes. I don't find dad jokes funny unless they're coming from Colin Bridgerton's mouth and obviously so does Pen. Even in the market when they giggle about their first meeting. PLEASE. Giving me life. The other two couples were too serious for me. This couple DGAF about propriety. Obviously.

4. Drawing Room Lesson and Cutting of the Hand. From beginning to end. Another rollercoaster of emotion. The fact that Pen no longer feels comfortable in Bridgerton House (like bitch you belong there don't even) to Colin's hand on her back. Had to rewind that a few times in the initial watch. And then he's setting the scene pretending they're at a ball and telling her to flirt with him. The eyes. A confession that's not really a confession from Pen. Colin rushing her out of the room. Her reading the journals (naughty Pen) and then we know what happens. He literally holds her hand. You cannot convince me he doesn't curve his fingers against hers to pull her in.

5. First Kiss. Perfect in every way. It's a moment I loved in the book and it was nearly identical and I loved seeing it play out on screen. The quick peck. The going back in for seconds and thirds. The hand lingering on her face. The way you can see he's fundamentally changed. GAH!

6. The Dream. I want to know what other dreams Colin's had because it seems like there was definitely more than one because he said he prefers sleep to being awake so....there's definitely more than what we were graced with. The way he pushed her up against the door frame. Good Lord Colin.

Honorable mentions: literally every other Polin moment. The savior moment with the balloon. The first lesson while promenading and then again in the market when she thinks she can't be taught and he's like "you already know what you're doing babe." Post kiss under the willow tree. Colin's conversation with Mama Bridgerton even though Pen wasn't super involved. It was magnificent. Colin getting interrupted by Debling when he wants to ask Pen if she feels the same way and he just can't help but stare at her lips and totally forget what he came there to do. Pen literally looked at him scared that he was about to eat her face. And then him sad and depressed watching them dance like he just lost his wife.

[azures-bazar]

To His Eyes

Here's a one shot following the lovely request of @bubblegumbitchs-world ! The plot was that buff female!reader was insecure about her body, and Arthur is here to comfort her !

I added a few things to the plot, like Micah being mean (as always). Please excuse all these mistakes or non-sense English terms, some of them make sense in French lol

Arthur Morgan x Female!Reader 

Word count : 2.8k

Short summary : You always had a stronger build, as far as you could remember. And Arthur is probably your number one supporter whenever you feel down about it ! 

Tags : Buff woman, Chapter 2, insecurity, cute, you’re beautiful, your muscles are astonishing, Arthur admires and loves you, post Sean’s return party, Micah being mean

"Y/N !" Lenny shouted from the other side of the camp while getting to his horse. "Could you chop some wood ? I have to head to town and can’t do it now ! I’ll pay you back !"

"I’m on it !" 

You put down your morning coffee and headed over to the pile of wood Lenny had left for you. You did not mind trading tasks since you knew how busy Lenny could be at times. Charles was away hunting with Arthur, John was still not feeling well, and Sean… well let’s say your favourite Irish Terrier was too busy sleeping it off after last night’s party before his guard duty. You were the only fella suitable for a task you somewhat enjoyed at times. Wearing one of Arthur’s shirts and a plain grey skirt, you obliged. 

As far as you could recall, you always had a strong build. You had been stronger than the vast majority of children since a very young age, always carrying the weakest ones around the streets of your town. Dutch found you by chance somewhere in 1894 while you were having some hard time finishing a brawl after a drunk man, displaying a cruel lack of decency, had tried courting you by dragging you close to him. You had pushed him away, resulting in a fist fight, which then escalated to a brawl in the entire saloon. Dutch had dragged you out of the pit and took you to his hideout without questioning anything about your bruise-covered face. 

"We need another pair of strong arms, this lady right here will do the trick !" you heard him laugh as you were left with Arthur 

Morgan had spent a few hours trying to stitch your wounds, which was something you obviously hated. He had tried catching your attention by getting to know your name, calmly reminding you that you were safe with him, joking about his current torture in order to make you smile. It took you two weeks to get back on your feet and work with the rest of the gang members, performing chores that were mostly assigned to men due to your strength. Arthur unexpectedly fell for you while you were carrying sacks to Mr. Pearson’s wagon, dropping them nearby before adjusting your hair. 

Arthur had often found himself staring at you, sketching your movements in his journal while contemplating your beauty. He admired your strength, your shape, your beautiful traits, the way you could easily cut Bill’s speeches about women being inferior to men. Even Davey and Mac respected you for that ! Arthur was quick to find himself dreaming about you, waking up shaken and almost sad since nothing he had seen earlier was real. He had made a very first awkward move to tell you how beautiful you were by slipping a drawing on your cot with a note inviting you to meet him in the middle of the night outside camp. His confession was the sweetest thing you had ever heard as you could tell this brawny man, looking so threatening at times with his heavy Southern accent and rowdy behaviour, was as adorable as a puppy whenever he was around you ! 

Your affair had started just a few weeks prior to Blackwater’s ferry heist. Arthur often took you to town, enjoying spending time with you at the saloon or taking you to the tailor for you to get better clothes. Your shape was different than the rest of the girls, and you deserved more than a full ocean of gold according to Arthur. Your stay at Colter, holding onto each-other on his bed had brought the two of you close enough to lead you to share his tent at Horseshoe Overlook. At least, neither you nor him would have to walk through the entirety of the camp to see one another ! Surprisingly enough, it was Dutch’s idea to to bring the two of you together, for the better… and the worse, since you were not this quiet most of the nights.

As you finished your chopping wood, you walked around the hideout to carry a few sacks to Pearson’s wagon before stumbling upon Micah, who had left his chair to head to you, smoking his cigarette with a large smile. You crossed your arms on your chest as you wanted him to move aside, but whenever you tried stepping near him, Micah would move and block your way. Meeting his gaze made you regret not begging Arthur to leave him in Strawberry. 

"And here’s our strong lady." Micah smirked. "How does it feel to have your clothes directly borrowed from Arthur’s stash ?" 

"Get lost." you said as you noticed Karen nearby, who was quick to stop her guard duty as soon as she noticed you

"Must be hard being a lady and having to buy men’s clothes since women’s are too tight."

Ever since the day Dutch brought him in, Micah’s favourite hobby had been to tease everyone around camp, often provoking women. You were his favourite target since you could easily fight back, he had adored the first punch you gave him after witnessing him acting inappropriate towards Mary-Beth. 

"'Em big arms are good for a man, but for a lady…-" Micah laughed

"Shut up." Karen said, interrupting him as she noticed you trying to hold yourself from punching him 

"In my opinion, ladies built like men shouldn’t be called…-"

"No one cares ‘bout your opinion. Leave her alone." 

Micah smirked and walked away as Karen carefully placed her riffle on the ground, taking your hands between hers. Being Micah’s second favourite target due to her overall behaviour, she could not help but feel empathy towards you.  

"Are you okay ?" she asked. "Micah’s always a dick with us ladies." 

"I’m alright." you smiled. "I… I should get back to my chores."

You quickly walked away from Karen, grabbing a few more bags while making your way to Pearson’s wagon, doing your best to avoid Micah who kept looking at you from his seat. His sole remark about your arms made you vanish under a wave of insecurity towards your own body. You looked at the girls, analysing their beauty while they were apparently stitching a skirt. 

It had always been easy to notice that your body type was a little different from theirs. Your muscles were more defined and larger, you were in a perfect shape since you were active most of the time, only sitting down three times a day as you were doing so many things around camp. When you were not doing chores or hunting, you could be sent outside to rob some shops. You were never truly resting, always being active, which caused your muscles to remain as defined as they were. 

"Damn." you grumbled

You found yourself envying the girl’s various body shapes. From Karen’s beautiful curves to Tilly’s thin corseted waist, the way Molly held herself, how sweet Mary-Beth appeared… Micah had made you highly doubt yourself, despite your overall shape never caused you any trouble earlier. In fact, you were proud of it, despite having to borrow some of Arthur’s tightest shirts at times since the ones the girls were wearing were not fitting or could be uncomfortable for your daily tasks. Your body was different and, despite you felt insecure about it, everyone loved the way you looked. 

The girls admired you, you were strong and beautiful ! You were kind and so sweet, with a precious porcelain heart anyone could notice. Men around camp adored your implication into chores, you often demanded more to keep up, frequently asking anyone if they needed help. Even Bill was always amazed by the way you could do things the rest of the girl couldn’t. But your number one admirer and probably best support was Arthur, and nobody could deny it. 

You were his everything, his sweetest girl, his darling lady he would love until his last breath. He loved having you rest into his arms, drawing circles on your back, massaging your scalp while whistling a few old melodies his father had taught him decades ago. He adored the sight of you wearing his shirts since most of them were too large for you, drawing your portraits by night when you were asleep. He loved seeing you wear pants and skirts, dresses or even rags. Every single thing you were wearing suited you, and he was quick to remind it.

"M’lady, you could wear a tent as a dress and a flower pot as a hat, everything suits you !" he often said 

You kept doing a few chores around camp, barely noticing Arthur and Charles were back from hunting. After giving some meat to Pearson, Arthur’s very first gesture was to gently kiss your forehead. Instead of spending time with him, knowing that your chores were done, you decided to withdraw inside your tent to get some rest and untie your corset, wanting to take it of for the rest of the day. 

Since he came back to camp, Arthur could not take his eyes away from you. He could easily notice something was wrong, he could feel it. Just by the way you held yourself, or how quickly you headed to your tent, closing its flaps behind you. Whenever he would come back, even after a few hours, you would spend the rest of the day with him, sitting on his knees by the fire, singing old ballads with him, kissing him under the ocean of stars above your head… but not that day. 

Arthur had left his current conversation with Javier and Sean to head to your shared tent, calmly clearing out his voice before entering, not wanting to walk in while you were getting dressed. Indeed, he had seen you naked more than once, but he did not want to have anyone look inside the tent while passing behind him, just out of curiosity. Sean was quick to do it at times, but no one had the right to see your body bare but Arthur. 

"Can I come in ?" he asked 

"Yes." 

You sighed as you took your shirt off, moving your arms back to reach the laces of your corset. Ms. Grimshaw had given it to you a few days after you arrived, she had worn it years ago when her shape was a little similar to yours. It fitted you perfectly, but you wanted to take it off, feeling the need to wander around camp without it for a few minutes. A dress and one of Arthur’s shirts would certainly do the trick ! 

"Hey sweetheart." Arthur said, walking inside as you were untying your corset. "What’s wrong ?"

"Are my arms really this big ?" you asked, dropping your corset on the ground

"What ?" 

"Am I built like a man ?"

"What the hell are you talkin’ about ?" 

You turned back to Arthur while dragging a skirt out of your chest, putting it on over your chemise as he approached you, looking concerned. You stepped back, wishing for an answer first. You could easily spot Arthur’s confusion as his eyes were quick to speak for him. You proceeded putting on one of your shirts you usually would wear for the evening. It was a tailor-made blue blouse Arthur had bought you back in Blackwater. Your favourite. 

"Just… just tell me if I’m built like a man." you asked, being suddenly brought to tears 

"Of course you ain’t !" Arthur laughed, believing you were joking. "What the hell, Y/N ? Haven’t seen a man lookin' as feminine as you yet !"

Arthur’s reaction made you chuckle, but tears were quick to make their way out of your eyes. You hid your face behind your shaking hands as you started crying, doing your best to mute yourself. Micah’s comments were repeating themselves in your poor mind, causing you to break down into pieces despite knowing how beautiful you were, and how amazingly you were built. 

"Oh, princess… c’mere." Arthur said, opening his arms to greet you

"I’m sorry, I’m…-" 

"C’mere."

You walked forward and threw yourself into Arthur’s embrace, burying your head in his shirt, allowing yourself to cry against him. One of his large hands made its way to your hair while the other one kept caressing your back. He kissed the top of your head and closed his eyes. 

"Lemme guess… Micah’s been sayin’ shit." 

"Mmmm-mmmm…" you hiccuped

"I’m so sorry he’s such a bastard…" 

"It ain’t y-your f-fault…"

Arthur kissed the top of your head, feeling deeply saddened about your the way you felt. He was sorry for leaving you alone with Micah, he was sorry for bringing him back to camp after what they did in Strawberry. On a few occasions, Arthur would deeply wish to go back in time and stop Dutch from leaving camp on the day he would encounter Micah. Life might have been easier without him around, the Blackwater’s botched heist would never had taken place, and you would not be crying into his embrace by now. However, there was one thing which made him outrageously devastated, one single thing which was quick to bring him to tears : witnessing you being insecure about your body. 

"It’s alright, sweetheart." Arthur whispered to your ear as you clung onto his shirt. "I got you."

Needless to say, Arthur adored your body. He would run his fingers on your toned arms, on your back, on your calves, and often admire how beautiful you were. You were his main subject when it came to sketching people. You were so inspiring, inside and outside ! Whatever you were doing, Arthur loved it. To his eyes, you were the most beautiful woman in the world. A large shining sun which was blinding him with love. You were the beautifulest gem of his crown, his pride and most certainly one of the main reasons why he was still alive. There were no other women like you, so sweet, kind and caring, so gentle and so strong, eager to help anyone, whatever the situation was. He loved you for who you were, and the rest of the world did not matter as long as he had you by his side. 

It took him about five minutes to calm you down. You left his embrace after some time, he firmly held you by the shoulders, looking into you eyes with a large smile. You could easily feel lost when your eyes would meet his, they were the main reason why you fell in love. His puppy glance won you over so often that you could not even count the number of times you had forgiven Arthur’s attitude and manners. His beautiful green eyes were quick to show you all the support you needed, you knew Arthur was quick when he had to cheer you up, just like you were with him. 

"You don’t have large arms, and you ain’t built like a man." Arthur smiled. "You’re literally a greek goddess or somethin’. You’re perfect."

"You’re saying it because you like me." 

"First of, I ain’t likin’ you, I love. And secondly, you’re the most beautiful woman in the world, period. I love your body, I love bittin’ your well-shaped muscles when we’re in bed, run my fingers on your body… I love you, as a whole." 

"Arthur, I…-" 

"If you don’t believe me, lemme try something. SEAN !" 

You gasped, hiding behind Arthur while buttoning your shirt above your chemise as Morgan called for Sean a second time, you heard him scream from the other side of the camp. He was probably eating some stew or was drinking a whiskey before going on guard duty, and would not hesitate to look between your tent flaps if needed ! 

"Oi ! What’s it, English ?!" Sean shouted 

"Ain’t Y/N beautiful ?!" Arthur asked 

"Oh, ya ! One of the most beautiful women of that damn country with Miss Jones !"

"Shut up, Sean !" Karen laughed behind your tent 

"See ?"

This overall interaction made you laugh. Arthur turned his head back to you and gently lifted your chin up for you to meet his gaze one more time. This time, he was blushing. Just the sight of you smiling at him was quick to make him believe some butterflies were flying in his stomach. You were such a gorgeous woman, even Sean, being in love with Karen, was quick to confirm it !

"Darlin’, you know you’re so beautiful when you smile." he mumbled 

"Thank you, Arthur." 

Don’t ever let Micah make you feel like that. You’re a beautiful woman, the most beautiful I know. Nobody should convince you otherwise. 

You nodded, allowing Arthur to drop a soft kiss on your lips before embracing you one more time. Your confidence was still hurt, but Morgan’s words were so encouraging and genuinely filled with love that Micah’s comments were quick to be forgotten. You nuzzled your head into Arthur’s neck, allowing him to kiss your forehead. You felt protected, you felt loved. You did not need anything but Arthur at this moment.

To his eyes, you were beautiful. And nothing would change his mind, nothing. 

Nothing. 

Nothing.

[charlieslowartsies]

the reason why my August vacation is so important...

This is a long, kinda emotional for me journal <3

As I mentioned a while ago, I was splitting my usual two weeks in June of debauchery (sleeping & laying in the sun & hiking in the woods outback lol) into one week last month and then saved the last week for the end of August.

I also wanted to explain the significance of this trip! Less about having to justify my time off and more about 'eeee excite omg!' and wanted to share with y'all!

SO a long time ago when I was a wee Charlie, from age 0 up to 21, I was incredibly close to my grandparents on my mom's side. My nana died when I was 15, and while that took a huge toll on me, I was fortunate enough to have my grandpa till 21. These two people were absolutely second parents. My parents did a good enough job raising me, but they had huge fights and my father had anger issues and it caused a lot of wounds. These were the people I could always rely on, when I couldn't rely on my folks.

They lived 2 hours away on a wonderful lake in a lil tiny trailer over looking it. I spent weeks at a time there, even the occasional month. I learned to swim in that lake, which in hindsight prolly wasn't the safest idea due to its depth, and grew up to be obsessed with swimming. Learned how to sail, ski, fish. Learned how to bake, tend a garden, how a fresh bowl of fruit in the morning should be before breakfast.

We'd swim 3x a day, sometimes just to float and cool down before bed, since there was no a/c and the summer nights were hot. Laid on our backs and counted stars like the Lion King. Fried trout on the grill after we'd caught them, had watermelon seed spittin' contests. My grandpa grew pumpkins and carved my name into one, so that the writing grew bigger and bigger over the months. I had one pumpkin live from September to April.

My handprint is on the last cement step leading down to the beach. It was eroded when we scattered my grandpa's ashes in 2014, but I remember where it was, how to place my palm to compare.

I guess I'd say I had a mixed childhood of various great, good, bad, and horrible things. Like most people, yanno? But those golden summer days on the lake were 100% a part of who I am today, and where my many of my happiest memories come from.

Due to me being in college, cost to heat the place in winter when they had no intention of living there, my family sold the property on the lake to an investor who planned to rent it out.

This was 2014. The same year he died, the same year my horse died (within 2 months of each other) and one of my father's many health issues landed him in the hospital from Oct to Dec, so that he spent xmas on an iv stand. With everything going on, we had no time or money for a big dinner, or presents that year.

I guess that was the first year I realized childhood was truly and officially over, and it was time to grow up. Many of us have that marked moment on our life.

Time passed. I finished college, went back home after turning down a few out of state jobs to spend time with my dad, who I had a feeling didn't have much time left. Turned out I was right, as I came home in 2015 and he died in 2022. There was an accident in '16 where he almost bled to death on our kitchen floor, but I was able to provide pressure/medical care and give him some more years.

Shortly after we moved in 17, I was notified that the house on the lake had been rented to someone who unfortunately had a lot of issues mental health wise, and they had eventually abandoned the property. It sat, rotting, and got so covered on the inside in black mold the county leveled the place and destroyed it.

We had left it fully furnished due to the buyer's urging. Ancient, stunning mid century and older furniture from my great-great grandparents time. My nana's organ player. The rocker my mom and I sat in. And, frankly, to quote one of those popular songs, the house that built me was just gone.

I figured that was the end of it, and cried and got angry/sad and then moved on and just tried surviving as covid hit later on in the years.

Turns out, the man who rented it decided that wasn't going to happen again. He put a new trailer on the property, and rented it out for vacationing due to it's location. We didn't know this until I stumbled across it while daydreaming about a vacation on the lake that I missed it was a relative, one I could at least go back to for a few days. My heart skipped so many beats when I saw the address and paused, thinking there had to be come mistake. It wasn't.

Not only can I spend time on that property again (in a new house which honestly might be for the best) But turns out, for whatever reason, they kept the furniture separate and placed a few pieces into the new house. There's a photo of the rocker in the layout photos. The two level lamp they had is still intact and functioning. I booked the place for a week immediately.

It's expensive for me, but my girlfriend and I will make it work. (Certainly not like we have far to travel.) We're going to be there smack dab in the middle of my Grandfather's birthday. I haven't had a true, just-for-me vacation since 2015 when we went to a camping ground. The excitement I have for this is immeasurable.

The dock my Dad and Grandpa put in themselves is fixed up. The crumbled little cement step is still there with a tiny indent, where my 4 yr old hand was pressed. I am going back to this place, and going back in time for just a short while, to heal and have fun and be a whole mess of emotions. I never got to say good bye to my Nana or Grandpa.

But I can say goodbye to them now, and say 'hello again, old friend' to the lake, and the new little house that sits before it.

That is why i am so excited about august. I know I don't share personal things on here a ton, but I wanted to share this. Thank you for reading this far if you have, I appreciate it.

I hope you have a wonderful day and remember how important you are <3 And as always stay hydrated! -Charlie

[wonjinburger]

writing prompt #04

bumping into each other as solo travelers ; park sunghoon

태양보다 찬란한 . . . 그게 바로 나

INFO : : park sunghoon x reader / romcom

wc : <1600

notes : this was lowkey rushed bcs i had an idea at 12am but i had to go sleep but i couldn't risk losing the idea

20 JANUARY 2023 : :

2:04 - it's currently 2am and i've just landed in paris, and i'm now heading to my hotel room to take a long ass nap.

13:12 - jk the nap lasted from around 11 hours. now it's 1pm and i'm going to go out for lunch. i've heard a lot of good word about a specific cafe so i'm gonna go try it out!

13:37 - the weirdest things just happened what the fuck? i bumped into this guy, who was really hot btw, by accident. obviously i apologized for it like a normal person but he just scoffed at me and left?? thanks for that random stranger.

23 JANUARY 2023 : :

12:02 - i just had a quick snack and i'm currently on the train to versailles, i wanted to have a quick look at all the beautiful architecture. i find versailles to be such a romantic and beautiful place lol

12:28 - i've arrived at versailles! i have a tour booked for today at 1pm, so i guess i'll walk around versailles for now.

13:13 - no fucking way, the guy i bumped into a few days ago is here too, like, in the same tour group as me. i said hi and he basically looked at me weird and left me standing. thank god idk this guy and i'll never see him again, he seems like an ass.

14 APRIL 2023 : :

10:16 - hi journal, today i'm in the netherlands, i heard about the keukenhof tulip garden and of course i had to come here. i just had breakfast at the hotel i'm staying in and i'm about to head out to the garden to see all the pretty flowers!

11:11 - THE GARDEN IS SO PRETTY OMG BUT THAT EXPERIENCE WAS LOWKEY RUINED. by who you may ask? by FUCKING FRANCE DUDE?? WHY IS HE EVERYWHERE???? like i was taking photos of the pretty flowers and boom, suddenly i see him through the lens of my camera, please get this guy out of my life

11 MAY 2023 : :

00:01 - i have finally done one of the things off my bucket list, and that is to visit switzerland! i always saw tiktoks and photos of the amazing view and obviously i had to come see for myself, but it's 12am rn and i am really tired so i'm gonna go sleep, then i'll explore in the morning

11:42 - okay i woke up a few minutes ago which is quite late, but i'm gonna go down to the hotel's cafeteria and have some brunch before i explore the town

4:51 - hi this isn't funny anymore, i literally just set foot into an eatery near one of the places i was visiting and i see france dude, AGAIN. can he just get out of my life atp please, i'm so sick of seeing his annoying (but ig good-looking) face. AND WHY IS THE ONLY AVAILABLE SEAT LIKE NEXT TO HIS TABLE???

-- (☆)

i'm going back home to korea today, i think i've been travelling way too much, so i'm going to go home and rest up and spend time with my family and some friends.

i boarded the plane and by that point it was 11pm and i was honestly drained. i spent a whole day exploring the more nature-y side of switzerland and the view definitely did not disappoint.

i sat myself down in my assigned seat and was so ready to fall asleep at this point. a guy walked over and sat next to me, and i bet you won't be able to figure out who was gonna be my plane seatmate for almost 12 hours. yeah it was france guy. he seemed pretty surprised to see me too i think.

after he sat himself down next to me, he looked at me, maybe i was staring too hard.. "hey" i looked at him, question marks practically all over my forehead. "can you stop staring at me" i scoffed at him, this guy is ridiculous!

the plane took off a few minutes later and i was starting to doze off, and unfortunately for me i left my neck pillow in my luggage by accident, so my head was dropping left and right.

i suddenly woke up and it felt like i was lying against something? i sat upright to see what i had been sleeping on, and it was france dude? he woke up when he felt me getting up. "you're finally up, my shoulder feels like it's about to dislocate"

'okay sorry for accidentally sleeping on your shoulder but like, rude much'

"oh shit, i'm so sorry. i left my neck pillow in my luggage and i think i just passed out suddenly" he scoffed and i was so close to losing my shit not gonna lie. but the next moment, he handed me his neck pillow and i looked at him while holding the neck pillow. "just use it, i'd rather you use my stuff than you use me" damn okay stranger. "oh, thanks?" and soon he attempted to go back to sleep.

it was currently 8:59am, which meant we still had probably less than 2 hours left of this plane ride, and i was thanking heavens because 12 hours next to this guy would've been hell if i weren't fast asleep.

france guy was moving around in his seat and i assumed he couldn't fall back asleep. i tapped on his shoulders a little to get his attention "hey, you can have your neck pillow back, seems like you can't sleep, and i'm pretty energized right now" he looked at me and sighed "it's fine, i'll just give up on going back to sleep".

after that it was pure silence. and i couldn't stand it so of course i had to open my big ass mouth.

"so.. you travel a lot?" he nodded his gaze fixed on his phone. "alone?" he nodded again still focusing on his screen. damn talking to this guy is so hard. let's bring up the past! "you remember the first time we met?" he finally looked at me. "we've met?" are you fucking serious right now.

"i bumped into you on accident in paris back in january?" he thought about it for a second before replying. "oh! i remember now, you bumped into me and almost spilt your hot coffee all over me" "hey! it almost spilt on me too okay, and i apologized for it" he shrugged it off and went back on his phone.

"you know, i kept seeing you around while i was travelling and at some point i thought you were stalking me" he looked back at me again, his eyebrows furrowed this time. "what the fuck why would i stalk you, i don't even know you?" "it happens sometimes" "hey, for all i know you could be the one stalking me right now" i was taken aback, speechless, i can't handle this guy oh my god.

"you know, your looks and personality clash a lot" he gave me a look that said 'wtf do you mean'. "you're a good-looking guy, like, i'd definitely date you if your personality was nicer" he stared at me for a while and chuckled a little. "for your information i have a great personality" "it sure doesn't seem that way" he scoffed and put his phone down before looking me in the eyes.

"i'm nice to people i'm close to, last i checked, we don't even know each other." "maybe we can change that" he looked shocked by what i said. honestly i'm shocked too, but i mean, he's pretty hot, it would be a wasted chance.

"you want us to get close?" i nodded. "you're ridiculous lady" i rested my head in the palm of my hands as i kept eye contact with him "it's y/n, lee y/n. and you are?" he looked at me in disbelief for a while. "i can't believe this is happening." he let out a deep and heavy sigh before introducing himself. "i'm park sunghoon."

"nice to meet you sunghoon. oh, i was gonna ask if you were korean, but your name just confirmed it for me" "are you heading home right now?" i nodded to his question. "homesick?" he asked, and i nodded. it seemed like he was feeling homesick too. "maybe we should hangout sometime while we're in korea" i blurted out suddenly, to my surprise he didn't oppose of this idea.

i then pushed my phone towards him, "can i have your number then?" he looked at my phone, then at me. "are you hitting on me?" i don't know, was i? i mean, i am interested in him, so i guess? "yeah i am, so what do you say, can i have your number? and maybe we can go out sometime and maybe even travel together?" he stared at me in shock, but his reply lowkey shocked me too.

"sure, let's go on a date soon"

[mochie85]

once you receive this lovely bouquet of flowers you have to mention five things you love, publicly, and send it to 10 of your favorite followers if you want. SPREAD POSITIVITY! ⛅️

I've missed you my darling little Agent 🥰. Life has taken both of us hostage. But let me see if I can find five things I love about it...lol

1.) I love waking up to messages from friends. Especially since you guys are all over the world and live in different time zones. It's like a modern-day pen pal. Only faster messages and less postage.

2.) That one hour in the morning I get to myself before I start work. It's filled with possibilities. Should I eat breakfast? Should I watch some anime? Maybe catch up on my TBR...the possibilities are endless! At least for an hour...

3.) Music! I get to listen to music while working and have found new artists and songs that I love listening to,

4.) I've been into junk journaling and keeping up with dates since I bought a datebook (thank you @joyful-enchantress for your influence). It's been really fun decorating my life...in a planner.

5.) Since working, I've been hiding little sweet treats in my desk as a reward. My favorite right now are these Haribo strawberry gummies...

no pressure tags: @loopsisloops @lokiandbuckysdoll @joyful-enchantress @irishhappiness @shadeysprings @give-me-a-moose @theaudacitytowrite @gigglingtiggerv2 @holdmytesseract @fictive-sl0th @sailorholly @ijuststareatstuffhereok89 @muddyorbs @wheredafandomat

[whatspringdoestothecherrytrees]

The October Make-Over 🎃

Hello Girlies, this is my October Makeover - feel free to join me if you want! And to customize to whatever you’re working on! (And that could be rest and recovery too!) @mamabeatnik @anolderlove @2pretty @abeatingheart @alicedowntherabbithole-blog

Hyperfocus October: 🍁 🧠

Keep a running distractions notepad.

Put your phone in airplane mode +/- Do not Disturb.

Keep phone in a drawer/bag, different room, etc.

NO TEXTING BEFORE 5pm UNLESS CRITICAL/EMERGENCY (only exception is texting brother and spouse)

List your distractions. (For me: non-critical busywork tasks, email, depressive states, baby stuff, fighting, gossiping, thinking about my traumatic past lol, worrying about the future, finances and budgeting, low self esteem thoughts, having too many metaphorical “irons in the fire”, not exercising and then having lack of focus/energy/positive mood, Fear of success)

Action October: 🍁

Go live with that project you’ve been putting off. (For me it’s my music Youtube channel. Find an equivalent project for yourself! What are you afraid of doing but want to do? Is shame holding you back like it is for me?)

Remember: You will never be perfect to your standards! You just have to do it. Perfectionism is a form of fear.

Take action on that thing you’ve been complaining about/feeling trapped about. (For me: Actually hire a sitter to have actual date nights/mornings/etc! Rather than mentally complain that “you never get time with ur spouse anymore blah blah”.)

Accountability October:

Make a physical, visual workout tracker for the month to see your progress and consistency over time

Have Friday evening check-ins for a budget, calendar, admin

Zero gossiping!

Zero negativity! Say 3-5 positive/grateful things for every negative/critical thing you say.

Love October: Per Ed Mylett’s Power of One More concept.

Give your sweetie a hug, and then one more!

If you normally give them a greeting kiss, give them one more! Spend a minute hugging, then one more! etc.

Give them a compliment, and then one more!

Go on a weekly date night, and then a little extra time!

Nature October:

Leave the windows open at night!

Enjoy fall candles

Air duvets on balcony overnight

Eat outside as much as possible

Weekends October:

Pumpkin patch trip

Bonfire

Feed the homeless

Make cards for kids in the hospital

Actually go to church events (ie for me cookouts at least once)

Actually take a sabbath (i’d like to do zero chores! Cook/clean ahead). Give yourself the gift of a day completely off!

Make apple pies

Spending $$Sober October: 💵 🍁

NO AMAZON PURCHASES unless absolutely critical

Grocery budget: no fancy vegan foods like vegan cheese, burgers, brats, etc. You can do without that for just a month!

Grocery budget continued: Consider picking fresh wild flowers when possible instead of buying flowers! Or 5$ pretty carnations!

Create a financial goal: ie, house, car, laptop, iPad, 10k savings. Something not too big so it is still attainable. Mine: 10k in savings by January; $$ so I can get Thermage at dermatology!

October Fallcore Hard-Core mornings: Level up from the 5am club!

Get up an hour earlier than usual by the end of October: Wake up 15 minutes earlier each week. (Ie: week 1. 4:45a. Week2, 430a, etc.)

Morning ice bath (or cold plunge outside)

More time reading Bible/praying

Selfcare October:

Weekly clay face mask

Weekly steam/ice facial

(Daily skincare routine should go without saying! It does for me. Cleanser, Vit C + SPF am, retinol + moisturizer pm. If you’re not already doing this, you need to fix your life!)

Weekly epsom salt bath

Daily green juice

Weekly intensive journaling (for me: jordan peterson’s selfauthoring suite)

Fitness October:

30 days of Yoga (YT Yoga w Adriene)

Zone 2 cardio > 3x/week (for me - running, swimming)

Stretching afterwards, side splits (TLB on YT)

Pull-ups on Tuesday and Thursday

Weekend warrior: extra long run or swim

Inspire October:

Meditate daily > 15 minutes

Spend time riding your bike > 1x/month

Get rollerblades again! Skate > 1x/week

Let your mind wander for a few minutes daily!

Watch inspiring YT videos (for me, that’s Robin Sharma etc).

Read for pleasure/inspiration > 1x/week!

Grind October:

Get to work/school 30-60 minutes earlier than you usually do

Have at least one day per week where you work insane hours in person (ie big experiment, long project)

Lay out your work outfit the night before so mornings are a little easier.

Professional Goals October:

Have at least one major needle-moving goal accomplished this month in your school/work.

For me it’s:

Submit manuscript

Complete dissertation

Apply to defend dissertation

Defend dissertation

Complete scoping review

Complete meta data analysis

[scoups4lyfe]

Welcome to the Show -BD PPT Part 10

Again, I have ADHD and BD and can agree that yes, My ADHD symptoms sucked extra hard when added to the early BD onset.

The below entry shows (1) binge-eating and (2) OCD intrusive-esque thoughts.

[Journal entry]

October 1st, 2022

Sabbath, 3:24 PM

Last night I went to bed at about 6:00 AM. Today I woke at 2:30-ish. 

The first thing I noticed when I got out of bed was (1) I was very tired, (2) my neck hurt just a bit, so I slept on it wrong—not badly enough though—because it doesn’t hurt at all now, praise the lord; (3) hungry. 

There was a hunger about me. 

I remembered how last night like a desperate man I scavenged through our kitchen. I think it’s the mania making me hungry, because I just felt this overwhelming need to eat something. 

The caramel was gone, as was the jam, so I had taken an apple we got on wednesday that we bought from a farmer lol, and now it was all I had. So I ate about half of it. 

These honey crisp apples taste really good. I kind of chided myself for indulging in one though, because my stomach was burning pain—like scabs inside my gut, or internal bleeding—and I had trouble with even the idea of consuming any kind of solid food. My dad brought home instant mashed potatoes because of this. So, what in the world was I doing at 4:00 in the morning??? Eating an apple when I know solid food isn't going to go down well? (Doesn’t matter cause I ate it anyway, lmao.) 

But I was still hungry—so I ate old taco bell beef-corn tortilla hard shell—tacos that sat on the stove. (That can’t be a healthy dietary choice LOL.) After I finished one of them, I went back to my room, I don’t know to do what, probably waste time on youtube or with editing screenshots from Donbrothers episode 19, and man my stomach took to that taco like gasoline to fire. 

Almost immediately I regretted making that choice. 

But then an hour later I went back to the leftover taco bell, and had some of the dorito taco (not all of it), just maybe ⅓ or half. [Then I fvcked around and went to bed maybe a few hours later.] 

Today is sabbath—so y’know—I’m supposed to be resting. And I AM. 

Comma, space, however—

Well. There are just things that I want to do. I’ve gathered my sketchbook, [insert a bunch of writing journals and reference books] and also my pencil case. 

(LMAO.) 

Ngl though, the fact that it’s 4:00 PM had the burning—lightning-ous—feeling, back inside my stomach. I had it before I even started this journal entry, and I still have it now. Like my mind—or more aptly, my fvcking stupid-a$$ intrusive thoughts (Kyle <3) —  just kept repeating:

 “ah, the day is over, you didn’t do anything, the day is over, you didn’t do anything, the day is basically already finished and what are you doing? Sitting here on the couch knowing that you will never be able to do any of the things that you want to do, because the day is over and you’ve already done nothing. You’ve done it again. The only thing it seems you **are** able to do—  nothing. Isn’t that funny? Now you’ll have to try again on Sunday, and inevitably fail again. The day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over  the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over the day is over

 the day is over—” 

ENOUGH! 

And whenever I look at the clock, or think about the time, or even just see the shadows in the curtains, my thoughts do it all over again—and again—and again. 

Then I can feel the breath in my throat, and all the energy inside my stomach just is everywhere. Anxiety. 

(Not a great feeling lmao.) 

So yeah—I’ll try and come back here before I go to bed ( I mean, don’t count on it LOL), and so ….yeah. I got nothing else to really say rn other than, uh, see you later? (Lordt.) 

[entry end]

The above entry I think does a good job at showing binge-eating. It’s super easy for people with BD to end up with an eating disorder.

I fvcking fainted in college because I slept during the cafeteria hours so I was surviving on like…vending machine m&ms. Not to mention when I get in those depressive periods I can go full days without eating because I either can’t get out of bed or the idea of eating makes me nauseous.

And then there will be days where I’ll wake up in the middle of the night, and almost like sleep-walk in a daze to the kitchen and eat whatever I can get my hands on no matter how sh*tty and unappetizing it is.

Anyways—all this to say that BD comes with extra baggage of mental illness 😵‍💫🤤🥴🤕👻👾👾👾👾👽🙀😮‍💨🫠.

Still cannot stop laughing at the youtube comment LOL.

"Wow! Bipolar people are human too!" Like yeah, who would've thought

🤪

Just goes to show how powerful and prevalent stigma is for mental illness -- but esp. for BD.

Hopefully this info helps get rid of that stigma >:/

....༼ง’̀-‘́༽ง

༼ง’̀-‘́༽ง mfer

If someone tells you they’re Bipolar, that can be a very real and very big thing. That means they trust you. So writing it off as, “that doesn’t matter to me” comes off as insensitive because it matters to US, bro. It fvcking matters to us.

I was watching a podcast where the speaker (who had Bipolar) was talking about their experience where they met this guy that seriously did not believe Bipolar was a real actual thing and thought those people needed to “get over themselves.” Which infuriates me to the SEVENTH degree. It’s also wild asf, but again.

Y’all don’t know SHXT when it comes to Bipolar

For those still asking this question:

tldr; y'all don't know SHXT about Bipolar. x2

"Y'all" including mental health professionals and doctors 🤪

naw fr though.

Normally I would be like "yeah, whatever" but using that as an adj can get tricky ESPECIALLY if you start using it to describe a person because then you might spread unintentional bias and misinformation onto others.

"Oh --Vegas is bipolar?" No. He is NOT bipolar.

Don't. fvcking. Use. That. ADJECTIVE!!!

So, Werewolves = Bipolar in a nutshell

(Let me explain lmao.) 

Werewolves have 2 sides to themselves — the human side, which is mainly present and in control, and the beast — which comes out every moon cycle or so, raises all sorts of hell, and then disappears. Always leaving the human counterpoint to deal with the aftermath. 

Humans that turn into werewolves prepare for full moons — often going into isolation so as to not hurt their loved ones, or irreparably damage their life, and the lives of those around them. 

With a good support system, a werewolf can live a normal life (mostly), where their other-self isn’t always wrecking havoc. For people with Bipolar, it’s the same. We are not always werewolves. We are often human. Our illness is cyclical — it will always have a new cycle, and it cannot be cured. When we have an “episode” — though no two bipolar people are the same; how we act, think, feel, and what we do can change. We are not separate from “the beast,” however. Both sides are very much the same person. Though they can be drastically — drastically —  different.  

In his interview with Rolling Stone, Ian stated (about one of the songs on his album): 

“— On “Miss Understood,” it’s a character’s diary entry where she fell in love with Ian but she kinda fell in love with MITO, too. It comes from personal experience; I want to date when I’m Ian, but there was one moment where she liked the darkness in me, which was weird because it’s like, “You don’t really know what this brings.” But she stuck around, and it was hard to be me in front of her. There was a sense of inferiority, for sure, because I know how different I am between my states, but also I was very cautious not to give my all in that [down] state because I’m not wanting to hurt someone mentally. So I’d just seclude myself. A lot of the songs in this album hit on this note.”

For the moon, Bipolar episodes are (as previously stated, perhaps multiple times) cyclical. They run in cycles — over and over and over again. The days come and go, but then there will always be that transition into a full moon, just as how the entire moon will also eventually completely disappear from sight during a New Moon. (Plus the connection / belief popular culture has with the superstition that a Full Moon brings madness with it / lunacy.) 

So we’ve finally come to the end of this PPT series…genuinely hoped this was enlightening to anyone it happened to come across.

If you have any other questions feel free to comment or dm me. 🥳

PREV

Journal Entries: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

PPT Essay Extras: (1), (2), (3), (4), (5)

PPT Essay: [1], [2], [3], [4], [5], [6], [7] , [8], [9]

Visual Clips (Depressive Episodes): (1), (2)

[runfast-runfar]

Daily things

9/13/23

✨ a coworker of mine went to Paignton a town in England and brought me back some things bc my name is never on anything lol! It was so sweet and thoughtful!

✨ I ended up testing positive for covid yesterday, and I don’t feel great but I also don’t feel very bad. So it’s actually nice bc I have the rest of the week off but I don’t feel awful so I can still get stuff done in my day. (Knocks on wood I don’t begin to feel really awful!)

✨ I’m dog sitting for two weeks and I went grocery shopping and saw these little small Halloween Squishmallows and had to get them! For being in the spirit!! I actually got the cat and beaver yesterday and loved the bat but chose to only get two. And then I couldn’t stop thinking of the bay and so I went back today and got him ☺️

✨ I went on a run this morning and I shifted my mindset with running a few days ago and it’s brought so much joy back into running! I hadn’t ran in almost a year due to treatment/ed related things. And so I was getting so angry at myself bc I couldn’t run like before. My endurance is essentially gone. I’m tired allllll the fucking time. And I’m so bloated and uncomfortable 100% of the time. When I would go run I’d feel awful that I could only go a mile and then be struggling. I would keep saying and thinking about how I used to go out for 12-15 mile runs multiple times a week and not even have broken a sweat. I felt horrendous compared to that. But then I thought back to when I started running back in middle school. I would run a song and walk a song for an hour. And then I’d run two songs, walk one song… and then over time it’d be three or four songs and walk one song.. until eventually I was just running. And I realized maybe that’s what I go back to now. There’s no shame in that. I’ve taken a year off of running. I’m not going to pick up where I left off exactly, and a lot of the beauty of this process will come from starting over. And ever since I looked at it that way, it’s been better. I’ll set to go out for 45 minutes to an hour, alternately between running and walking if needed and not judge myself for it and it’s transformed how I feel after run! And I’m excited to see the growth and progress over time!

✨ when I was on a run this morning I knew to take it easy bc I am sick even if I don’t feel like death. So I went out for 45 minutes and ran 2-3 songs and then would walk a song, run 2-3 then walk one, etc. and it just felt like fun and I loved it.

Then I came back, drank my coffee and watched the Barbie movie (I love it! Also obsessed with Margot Robbie so I’m biased lol!) after that I did a 45 minute peloton class and then have spent the rest of today relaxing, taking a nap, and now I’m watching I, Tonya.

✨ it’s now 2:30 in the afternoon, I’m going to spend the rest of today journaling, playing the switch, taking Finn (the doggo) on a walk, reading a bit and then probably watching another movie later on! I appreciate the relaxing moments so much.

✨ I ended up reaching out to the treatment program I’ve been in for 6 months now (2 months in residential and 4 months in PHP) and letting one of the dietitians know I am leaving against medical advice. I can’t take the time off work anymore and I do feel ready. So we’ll see.

✨ I hope you’re all well, and happy hump day!

[idv-news-boi]

-> Laurence's Journal Entry at the Manor {Part 1}

Note// How is everyday at the manor like with Laurence.

Day 1 {First Day in the Outcast Club-}

Hey James! I'm going to call you James rather than journal- you're my pal! You keep secrets for me afterall~

Today,,, I have the vision that coming to the manor will be worth it. There wasn't regret in leaving the Dyanthus Republic into a mysterious world of button eyes and black voids watching you through the windows,,, and heard you through the walls.

I admit, i do miss home... So I sang my heart's out with a crazy song to cheer me up! Akihiko was looking at me silly the entire carriage ride lol-

Met the Mr. Embalmer himself! Despite being quiet, he is very polite and welcoming. He even helps a little with Akihiko's luggages- it seems my partner made a new friend~ ;)

Someone just called me hot- Well, from an anonymous letter at my room when I was trying to set things up- probably saw me from afar while I was walking around the halls-

Day 2 {Suddenly I was called a Bill Cypher 2.0}

I was just giving with my radio cast microphone until suddenly, 3 figures(a dirty blonde man with glasses, some guy holding a telephone, and the illuminati???) Appeared in my studio and told me to join them to take over a universe while calling me a loser??? What the???

Also, some German gentleman with a classy suit appeared after-heard he's married which is unfortunate since he's hot/ih

But at the end, turns out it's just a dream,,, And that's why I couldn't sleep at that night after-

Ended up drinking a coffee mug as I check on some inbox questions about my and Akihiko's arrival and other things we're going to do at the manor- We both officially have the declaration to name our News Program "The Oletus Times"~!

Day 3 {This Room isn't Yassified Enough!}

Morning James! Setting up everything before taking tours around the manor was a bit complicated- I didn't expect any luxury while in my stay- but gosh,,,- The room is even more dusty! How do these people allow this 'hospitality'? Killing them with disease intentionally? Oh naw!

I don't care whatever the baron says- I'm remodeling and cleaning my room with my style! Secrets on how i got the materials? Oh, a master doesn't tell their secrets~

Akihiko must have thought the same when he first saw his room- So he moved to my room to share it, used his room as our studio - and took a whole 6 hours to finish the extensive replacing and decorating much modern stuff,,,

Aki and I almost got into a short argument whether Modern Jazz style or Westernized Japanese should be the theme of the room- we ended up making the room go half-and-half,,,- I mean, it actually worked at the end surprising. I like how there's different aesthetics in a same room! X'D

As we were remodeling of course, we also got some room service to send us some food meals while we work- it wasn't that bad,,, but not as great as the hamburgers and the coleslaw salad chef Palacios usually makes at my favorite diner!

Day 4 {A Productive Tour With Angeline!} @askthepianist

Oh gosh, Jim,,, I met a tall woman,,, A pretty nice one!!! (Pinned profile picture of Angeline from the manor's survivor files)

I started my first routine interviews that i will do everyday- going around and talk with survivors and hunters to get to know them while still getting lost in this maze-

Nonetheless, I was saved by the pianist from at least being able to know where the kitchen is(Akihiko keeps asking if there's a kitchen around to make mochis-) and now i know where the garden Ms. Woods usually works on! Heard a little bird that the senior Gardener is bringing a new stash of flower beds today~!

What a savior,,, What else can I do if i couldn't receive such help? I learned so many things today!

Day 5 {Nice Artists, Very Familiar Ones...} @idv-artists-trio

Good Evening, James! Just met a group of fellow teammates - i notice that they often stay together, it turns out they're artists! Artist squad hehe~ Rosie may be quiet, but she's very kind and cute! (^-^

Meeting Angel is another advantage to know that i won't be wearing rags for long- I'll be sure to pay him back somehow for his generosity~!

Not going to lie, Kitty resembles so much of the Head Officer Police at home- even she speaks without not having the word "meow" in every sentence!

Only 3 if them seem familiar, the only one that i don't seem to seeing somewhere is Eiji- but he does remind me of Head Shrine Maiden Ivory!

Day 6 {A Sweet Welcome Gift} @ask-idv-baker

My my, Jim! Guess what? I met one of Angel's other artist friends, Beth Anastazja,,,!!! Isn't she adorable???(Pinned profile pic of Beth from the manor's survivor files)

She appeared at our door and gave us a lot of baked goods~! Akihiko couldn't get used to receiving such generous gifts! But he seems to be more happier today after that (^-^

Hope that the cute Baker gets to have everything she needs to fulfill,,,-

Day 7 {Thrilling Game? I'm here to work hard- but i also play hard~!} @ask-idv-thrillseeker

Hey Jim! GUESS WHAT??? The manor's host allowed me to take part in the game at least once in a while! Of course, he still wants me alive- but is not like i get killed that easily~!

I also met a cool, but also hot huntress by the name of Cleo in my first match- (pinned profile pic of Cleo from the manor's hunter files)

It was a bit amusing to see her shocked reaction when i didn't hesitate in oblige her offer to stop decoding in return of her not hunting me- I mean, I'll rather receive a bonk from my teammates rather than get terrorshocked-

I'll keep a reminder to myself in inviting her to dinner,,, If she considers my offer to,,, send me into the basement ~ ❤️/ih

Day 8 {Is that King Kong but Spider,,,????}

Jim! You have no idea what just happened- I just saw a huge spider looking creature creeping on the huge window from the matching room??? Where did that come from...? Impressive,,, 🤔

I might probably start some ghost hunting research around the manor too- is it just me or I just saw a ghost appeared right next to me on the broken chair of the table... It disappears in one blink of an eye!

Day 9 {Met a guitarist- Also a Young Lady that i May or May not Adopt-} @janetheguitarist

I was doing my usual routine, but is this time talking to a young guitarist with a student uniform(?) (Pinned profile pic of Jane from the manor's survivor files)

Also a lil girl that looks like a princess,,,- how precious,,, (Pinned profile pic of Elise,,, the manor's survivor files are also missing some blanks)

Day 10 { What a Lovely Surprise,,, How Enticing ~} @idv-ask-snakecharmer

James? I met a handsome Snakecharmer- I call him Prince now,,, (Pinned post of Amar in the manor's survivor files)

I like his sweet advances while he was using his mother tongue- I didn't even expected him to kiss my hand I-????

Not sure why, but I still played along and got him flustered as well- uno reverse card, hehe~❤️

Sad that he couldn't stay long enough- but he did left me with a nice kiss~ ;)

[loosepocketchange01]

Hellloooo! Whumptober is coming up and the prompts are officially out! So much potential for batfam fics! I wanna do something a little different this year (which will hopefully also get me motivated lol). I am taking any and all (reasonable) requests for (platonic) batfam fics relating to the whumptober prompts (imagine there’s cheering and clapping please)

All you gotta do is send in an ask with the day number, prompt you’d like (or alternate if that applies), and title! I am super excited to be doing this, this year!

This will also become similar to a master list once whumptober is over. Under each prompt, I’ll put the link towards the fic (LoosePocketChange on AO3!) some fics, depending on how it goes, will also be posted here on tumblr.

Happy whumping! Can’t wait to see what you guys choose!

No. 1: “But now this room is spinning while I’m trying just to fill in all the gaps.”

Safety Net | Swooning | “How many fingers am I holding up?”

No. 2: “I’ll call out your name, but you won’t call back.”

Thermometer | Delirium | “They don't care about you.”

No. 3: “Like crying out in empty rooms; with no-one there except the moon.”

Journal | Solitary Confinement | “Make it stop.”

No. 4: “I see the danger, It’s written there in your eyes.”

Cattle Prod | Shock | “You in there?”

No. 5: “You better pray I don't get up this time around.”

Debris | Pinned Down | “It's broken.”

No. 6: “Do or die, you’ll never make me; Because the world will never take my heart.”

Recording | Made to Watch | “It should have been me.”

No. 7: " “I paced around for hours on empty; I jumped at the slightest of sounds.”

Alleyway | Radio Silence | “Can you hear me?”

No. 8: “I’ve got soul, but I’m not a soldier.”

Overcrowded ER | Outnumbered | “It’s all for nothing.”

No. 9: “Learning everything ain't what it seems, that's the thing about these days.”

Polaroid | Mistaken Identity | “You're a liar.”

No. 10: “Can’t you see that you’re lost without me?”

Broken Phone | Stranded | “You said you'd never leave.”

No. 11: “All the lights going dark and my hope’s destroyed.”

Animal trap | Captivity | “No one will find you.”

No. 12: “I haven't slept in days but who's counting?”

Red | Insomnia | “I’m up, I’m up.”

No. 13: “It comes and goes like the strength in your bones.”

Cold Compress | Infection | “I don’t feel so good.”

No. 14: “Feed me poison, fill me ‘till I drown.”

Flare | Water Inhalation | “Just hold on.”

No. 15: “I don't need you to help me I can handle things myself.”

Makeshift Bandages | Suppressed Suffering | “I’m fine.”

No. 16: “Would you lie with me and just forget the world?”

Gurney | Flatline | “Don’t go where I can’t follow.”

No. 17: “You’re the lump in my throat and the knot in my chest.”

Collar | Touch Aversion | “Leave me alone.”

No. 18: “I tend to deflect when I’m feeling threatened.”

Blindfold | Tortured For Information | “Hit them harder.”

No. 19: “I’ll take one final step, all you have to do is make me.”

Floral Bouquet | Psychological | “I’m not as stupid as you think I am.”

No. 20: “People don’t change people, time does.”

Blanket | Found Family | “You will regret touching them.”

No. 21: “See the chains around my feet.”

Vows | Restraints | “Don't move.”

No. 22: “They never saw us coming, ‘til they hit the floor.”

Glass Shard | Vehicular Accident | “Watch out!”

No. 23: “It’s gonna get me by the end of the night.”

Shadows | Stalking | “Who’s there?”

No. 24: “I’ve got a head full of chemicals; mouth full of ridicule.”

Goodbye Note | Neglect | “I thought they were with you.”

No. 25: “You’re not delivering a perfect body to the grave.”

Storm | Buried Alive | “They’re not breathing!”

No. 26: “Sometimes I get so tired; I don’t even know myself.”

Seeing Double | Working To Exhaustion | “You look awful.”

No. 27: “You drew stars around my scars; But now I’m bleeding.”

Matches | Scars | “Let me see”

No. 28: “We might not make it to the morning; so go on and tell me now.”

Bloody Knife | Sacrifice | “You'll have to go through me.”

No. 29: “I only sink deeper the deeper I think.”

Scented Candle | Troubled Past Resurfacing | “What happened to me?”

No. 30: “It’s okay, just to say, ‘I’m not okay’.”

Borrowed Clothing | Bridal Carry | “Not much longer...”

No. 31: “I thought that I was getting better.”

Emptiness | Setbacks | “Take it easy.”

Alternatives List:

Betrayal

Aftermath of Failure

Brass Knuckles

Decoy

Body Modification

Playing Cards

Examination

Hunting

Drugging

Shaking

Panic

Broken

Miscommunication

Lab Rat

Reluctant Whumper

[whentherewerebicycles]

happy thanksgiving everyone!!! the hockey game was so good last night I am 😭😭😭 over my favorite guy’s 1000th game celebrations. also I just love a big tumblr fandom event and it was so fun to collectively experience that with everyone!!! we got up at 5:30 this morning and have been lounging in bed for uhh—five and a half hours? lol whoops!! but I don’t feel too bad about it as I was pretty productive this morning. I did a bunch of good sustained work on my budget and my TTC timeline, then spent a couple hours reflective journaling on parenting approaches, mostly just synthesizing the books I’ve read recently and thinking about the kinds of routines I want to build. (also to my anon who asked for book recs a week or two ago: I haven’t forgotten you!! that might be a task for this weekend.)

long chatty updates behind the cut

I finally got my stolen IRS refund reissued and just used that to pay off the rest of my credit card balance huzzah!! and I’m due to receive what I hope will be a sizable vacation payout from my old job on 12/1, which I can move directly to long-term savings to replace almost all of the funds I withdrew to cover moving & lease-breaking & security deposit expenses. since I’m now finished paying down my credit card balance, I’ve also finalized the amount I will move directly into to savings each month. my original goal in taking this job was to try to live on 50-60% of my income and put the rest in savings, and I think that’s feasible barring any major unexpected expenses. I think that doing this budget planning work helps me keep my reasons for taking (and keeping) this job in perspective. it’s not forever (please god don’t let it be forever) but if I can stand to do it for 2-3 years, it’s going to put these other life plans so much more within my reach.

anyway I think what I’ve settled on is: I may move my timeline up and start trying in early January. I’ve picked my donor, I’ve set the budget & time limits I’m willing to try for (up to six cycles), I’ve had all the testing done, and I’m honestly just so ready & impatient to get started I don’t see the point in waiting. I originally picked april/may as a start date because I was still feeling a tiny bit anxious and uncertain about it but I feel like doing the research and putting in the time thinking/talking through the logistics with liz, my sister, etc has calmed my nerves. also I can’t remember if I’ve said this on the blog or not but my best friend and her husband are officially moving here in august, and it’s expressly because we want to live near each other + have kids within a year or two of each other so we can be extended family and a support system for each other in the early years. I feel like that was the last puzzle piece for me. I have my siblings here, I’ll have my platonic person (and her partner who I also love so so much) here soon, and my parents are both probably within a year of retiring/scaling back work responsibilities so they can spend more time out here. that’s a pretty good little village to start with, no?? so let’s fucking gooooooo.

okay well that was the thinking and planning I did this morning. I am doing thanksgiving at 2ish with my siblings + my other brother’s close friends who live here + their two hilarious small children. I think I will scroll for a little bit longer, do a short neighborhood walk with the dogs from 12-12:30, shower/get ready 12:30-1:30, then head over.

[tinykeke]

Hormones causing a tiring week

I am not the type of student to kill herself studying 8 to 13 hours a day, to be honest is not a laziness thing, is more of a burn out thing, I remember when I was on third semester (now I am on seventh) I met this guy who worked, studied, worked out and only slept 2 hours and maximum four, I don't know why following his steps and studying more than 15 hours was something I admired… I didn't last a month, I burned out and I got depressed.

So after so many mistakes, demotivation, many ups and downs, I have decided this semester to study at least 6 hours, and spend some time doing things I like, for example: playing video games, photography (I am not that good but I am trying 😊), going out or feel the sun at least… (I really should do exercise).

Normally when we are in college or high school or whatever, we want that high grade and if we are in the the top, better, but this week I stopped with my studying schedule, I woke up at 5:00 am and it didn’t matter meditation, water, positive affirmations, vitamins, nothing, I felt like I didn’t sleep, I did my best during class, but after just 2h I felt horrible fatigue. I started to feel stressed over my homework and every time I decided to sit and study I didn’t feel like it. I did study during this week but maybe 2h or I rushed into my activities instead of using the Pomodoro technique or have breaks in between.

It was not my best week, yesterday is when I understood. I arrived to college and I felt like I didn’t sleep, I opened my notebooks and just by looking at them and by listening to the professor I started to feel sleepy and loosing focus, and after that class I arrived home to take another class and I didn’t last an hour when I was falling asleep, the last part of the class I didn’t even pay attention, I got desperate.

So I decided to go with my grandma, get a cappuccino (that looked more like a latte, and tasted more like a latte…doesn’t matter it was nice lol) and crepes!!♥

But I understood something: MY PERIOD IS ARRIVING SOON…

That was the cause of my excessive fatigue. I understood that If I want to study healthily as I propose this year (after so many mistakes), I also have to to take care of my body, learn to understand it, make contingencies plans for luteal phase of the menstrual cycle, plans for when I am stressed or demotivated.

As a good student who must of the time excels, I don't care about grades, but this time I learnt that I should care about what kind of environment I am going to build to get those good grades: organizing my desk, my bed, my morning routine or a journal but also my hormonal cycle and pay attention to my post traumatic stress symptoms, that sometimes are not easy to detect.

I remember a good phrase from a poetry book that said “Sometimes is more important to unlearn than learning”. (I apologize that I cant remember the author.)

Do you have some attitudes that make you stumble in your way?

Let’s interact😊

[yowwsoi]

This deserves a journal writing

Dumping my random train of thoughts, bisan asa ra gyud ni mapadulong

A lot has happened in the last weeks. After being employed (and underpaid) for over a year at SDG, I finally got the best job offer ever, but lost it after 2 weeks of working there due to my permit to work being expired. But I kept on carrying on. I saw this as an opportunity to upskill and give myself a break for working too much. After all, I only have one body, and that it also deserves to rest. I have been having slow mornings, long days, and mindless doomscrolling. RIP my eyes.

BUT!!!!!! A wild thought popped into my head again. (I mean.. it has never left my mind. It's always been in my subconscious. Maybe I just have a better control over my mind compared before). After more than a year of not seeing each other, Jaen and I finally met again in person.

We always keep it casual and professional by communicating through emails. We have always maintained that mutual respect towards each other to never reach out unless anything about legal matters. But one random night, we found ourselves catching up over a late-night phone call that would then later on last for 2 hours.

And on a random Friday, two days after that call, being the bored bum that I am, I asked her out for coffee.

Honestly, I wasn't bored. Okay. Sige bored na lang. But it wasn't the boredom that actually pushed me to meet up. It's more of... testing my mental well-being if I can finally push the fact nga mag kita mi.

I am also tired of the fear nga what if mag kita mi somewhere and I am not ready? Makuyapan lugar ko?

I have been thinking about this for months. MONTHS. Sometimes my random subconscious mind would tell me, "Why not meet her again? You're ready." but then as soon as I think deeper, my mind just explodes into nothingness and then I realize that I am, in fact, not ready. Lol

But yesterday, on a random Friday afternoon, my mind just said, "Yes. You're ready. Let's test how far you've become."

Everything was just.. easy. I wasn't holding back on anything. It was just like before.. more like two lost souls who are coursing through life's ups and downs, catching up, just doing everything and anything to survive. We watched Inside Out 2 - and she remembers clearly when we watched Inside Out before with my sibs nga nakatulog sya. Buyag buyag wa man sad sya katulog gahapon sa sinehan.

But just when there are easy conversations, there are also hard conversations. And I am glad I pushed through, that I was able to surpass the emotions. Surpass? I don't think na surpass nako sya. More on gi suppress diay nako akong emotions. Now that I think of it... hmm. I felt like the avalanche of emotions were passing through pero wala nako gina pa daog.

I couldn't say that I am fully healed. Siguro I just became better at suppressing and hiding my emotions. We stayed up late and just talked. Talked like there's no tomorrow. Kung dli bitaw layo among gaulian, wala gyud siguro'y uliay. Haha, pero sa pag uli kay murag didto na dayun nag baha akong sadness. Ang akong pain. Akong mga kasakit. Pero it's not the same pain anymore. This pain is bearable naman.

One thing I learned - patience. Patience in the sense nga, your subconscious might say you're ready but in fact, you're not. But it will come. It will come on a random Friday afternoon, when you absolutely can't do anything but think about how this person has affected you in so many ways. Patience in a way nga dili mag dali sa pag move on. Sit with the pain. Cry with it. Let it flow through you.

I don't understand unsa akong gaka feel karon. Murag okay ra ko nga murag dili? in fact, gipangutana ko nya kung okay ra ba ko and how's my mental state (I appreciate this, a lot). Dili ko kabalo unsa akong itubag. I want to be honest with what I am feeling. but pati ako, unsure ko kung unsa akong gakafeel.

I would say better....? A lot more calmer. Siguro ana nalang.

Unsa pa man?

Wiw. Wala gani diay mi ka picture together. Hahaha. Unbothered kaayo, wala gyud mi tanaw tanaw sa among phone while gastorya. unlike before katong kami pa, we were always glued sa among mga phone. Funny.

Anyway mao ra to. At the end of the day, I am glad. After all, she's been my bestfriend before, during, and (maybe) after the relationship. I am glad. I am content.

[meezylovee]

10 Questions To Find Your Passion

According To @buonalima from Pinterest.

1.What was your favorite thing to do growing up?

I was a 90's baby, I grew up playing outside ALL THE TIME. When I think back on it, I'd have to say I miss that. I loved going fishing, to the lake, camping, all of it. and its something I wish I continued doing.

2. When you were a child, what did you dream of doing when you grew up?

I always wanted to be a veterinarian. it was my dream job. I remember dressing up as a veterinarian for a career day and school and walking in like, a school parade through the halls, and everyone got to see each others career costumes.

3. what is your favorite topic to talk about?

Usually it is whatever i am hyper focused on at the moment lol. && Right Now, its this new kitten i got- her name is Salted Carameow

4. what do you like doing so much that you lose track of time?

I feel like this question kinda goes back to number 3... it truly is whatever i am hyper focused on at that time. & Just yesterday i told my fiancé i would be downstairs shortly... 2 hours go by because i couldn't move the kitten was sleeping on me, and you must not disrupt!

5. whose life do you envy the most and why?

I don't envy anyone else's life, however there are things i wish i had in my life that other people have and i don't. does that make sense?

6. what would you do differently with your education if you got a chance to start over?

I would go to college, become a vet tech and work on my degree for a vet- open my own animal clinic/sanctuary and take in rescues and work more in surgeries.

7. if you had 5 minutes and the whole world was forced to listen, what would you say?

I would probably laugh and then cry and then freeze and then go uhhhh and then run and hide.

8. what would you do with your life if you had no fear?

I would be unstoppable that's for sure.

9. what would you do with your life if you had a guarantee success?

my answer goes along with question 6... i would be running an animal clinic/sanctuary,

10. what would you do with your life if money wasn't an issue?

going back to question 6 and 9- i would be a Veterinarian.. running her own successful animal clinic and sanctuary.

&& Though I Answered These Journal Prompts Like A Myspace Survey, I Will Say... This Did Teach Me That I Need To Get More In Touch With Animals & Animal Care And Even Mother Nature, Maybe Take The Time To Go Back To School Or Force My Self Out Of Bed For A Early Morning Walk, I'm Not Sure Right Now, But I Know I Need To Make A Change To Find My Passion Again.

[girltomboy]

My week

was pretty nice. I worked from the office but my work friend made it bearable. Wednesday's quiz night had to be held elsewhere because of a concert, but my work friend and I didn't know and entered the pub without even acknowledging the bouncer at the entrance, but he also ignored us lol. We had a nice evening. Thursday was the last office day, because we were so tired, and another coworker had like a nervous breakdown on the clock. Mainly she said she felt burnt out, I feel for her because she's such a positive and friendly person, but you can only give so much for a crappy job. But there were probably other personal reasons as well. Anyway, we agreed to wfh on Friday, and it was a really good idea. Because yesterday my work friend and I went to this party held by 2 of her friends (who were at her bday party and apparently liked my vibes a lot because they kept asking her about me and telling her to invite me to their place for a ~party. Which was soooo cute bc I loved hanging out with them and we had such a good time yesterday! The fatigue after a full day of commuting & working in an office would have prevented us from having any fun lmao.

Anyway, something odd happened at the party: my cw and I somehow ended up on the balcony looking at the moon and talking. And she once again tried confessing her feelings for me, telling me she likes me and subtly asking about my boyfriend. Lol I don't even get her when she does stuff like this! Like, what do you really expect from me? I don't get mad at her or anything, she was drunk and she has done stuff like this before while drunk. I know it's true, but she's better at hiding it while sober. It doesn't bother me because she's not disrespectful or crossing any boundaries or anything, they're just her feelings and as long as they're not interfering with our friendship I'm okay with knowing them. But when it happens, when she starts dancing around this topic again, it confuses me because I don't understand where she's going with it, what her intentions are, what the goal is. I don't get uncomfortable and it's not awkward, I just don't know what is expected of me.

The conversation floated in the air and vanished, and then she invited me to sleep over at her place because we were both kind of drunk and her flatmate went to a wedding. So we left the party not long afterwards, and stumbled to her apartment lol (she doesn't live far from the girls' house, whereas I would have had to make it to the other side of the city, and given that I got touched inappropriately on the street not long ago, she was reluctant to let me walk by myself at night, which I appreciate). Anyway, we sat on her balcony for a while, then went to bed. We woke up early and a bit hungover but not badly, then watched some Youtube vids in bed, and fell asleep again. Got up, ate, and then I went home. It was really beautiful outside today, but I didn't really go anywhere because I kind of wanted to be at home lol.

I'm excited to go home this week. I'm pretty sure the moon is going to be in Cancer, so that makes the reunion with my parents and the fact that I get to see and cozy up in their new house makes it even cuter. My bf might come to the city on Monday morning for a quick errand, so we'll get to see each other for a few hours, which is exciting and lovely, but I feel bad that he has to make so many trips for college and he can't even spend more time with me :( </3 But it's okay because he'll be here after his birthday too.

Speaking of, I was wondering what else to get him for his birthday, but I've also been thinking about getting my work friend something else to go with the hamster mug I got her a while ago. I'll probably go out tomorrow, I also have to look for some pants for myself, and perhaps a new journal.

This week I've been watching a Youtube girl who used to post videos about her mundane routine and stuff like that, and she was saying that she had started writing in her journal more often. She mentioned that she had a few year long gap in which she never wrote in her journal, and that period is now a blurry mess in her mind, and the exact same thing happened to me! Well, I can't say I don't remember anything from the years in which I *did* write but threw out my journals, but being able to reread past entries just helps me understand myself on a higher level. Like, the first 2ish pandemic years are like a black stain in my mind not just because of how abysmally depressing they were, but also because I barely ever wrote consistently in my journal. Sometimes I feel silly for having been such a pessimist and so paralyzed with fear and grief, but I'm sure it felt different to be then & there, in those times. Again, maybe having a written record of those years would have helped me understand my past self better. I do keep a journal now, but it's more of a "5 entries per year" type of situation rather than a consistent practice. Maybe I'm too stingy about notebooks lol.