#i just apologise and say 'im Actually slow' and they understand

[psychiatricwarfare]

i dont understand why people yell at me when i say im slow (mentally), i mean it. its not derogatory or offensive unless YOU use it that way. i am slow. it takes me longer to understand and process things than most do, thats literally what being mentally slow means

[tsimvkas]

daylight #02 | it’s nice to have a friend

A/N: MERRY CHRISTMAS BESTIES 🎅🏻🤍 i wanna start saying that i don’t know the christmas’ tradition in england very well since im latina and there’s a hell of a difference but i tried my best. thank you so much for your patience, im already a really slow writer but some things have been making me even slower and i apologise for that 🫶🏻 hope you enjoy it xx

word count: 5.1k | series masterlist | masterlist

content: bsf!mason, fluffy, pregnancy

<- previous chapter

You’ve always dreamed about a pretty family of your own, a pregnancy shared with your loved one, both of you discovering this new world together, sharing the fears and the excitement. things about

But since you told Walker about your real pregnancy, you thought it would be a grey and sad nine months. Not even in your best dreams this pregnancy would be full of joy and happiness, and then, since you told Mason about you felt warm and bright again.

Mason had to go back to London the same day due to his hectic routine, but he assured he would do his best to visit you often, besides making you promise you would reach out to his mom if you ever needed anything and for some reason your parents couldn’t help you.

After he left, you instantly called your favourite girl. Sarah showed up at your front door in five minutes, always so curious — but also so supportive.

You told her everything, from the moment you took the first test to when Mason left your house. She scolded you, saying you should’ve told her the moment you found out, but immediately giving you a hug.

Now she goes to your house almost everyday and Mason tries his best to call you every night. Then, she accompanied you to do your blood test that same week, where you found out you were already one month pregnant.

Your mom already bought the baby’s first body and you saw your dad looking for mini Portsmouth FC jerseys. They’re always asking you how you’ve been feeling, and even though she tried to be discreet you know your mom is paying more attention to you.

It’s good to know you have so many people to count on.

They were also all there when you went to your first ultrasound, when you were seven weeks pregnant. It was a horrific experience.

You knew the first one is different, what they call transvaginal ultrasound, but you weren’t exactly prepared for it. You're only twenty, after all. In that moment, you realised you’re actually still your dad’s baby.

Your doctor was rude and inappropriate. He kept asking where the father was, if you knew what a condom is and he wouldn’t even look at your face. Your dad took you out of the doctor’s office before you could lay down on the stretcher.

Two weeks later, you still haven’t taken the exam, and that’s why Mason has been on the phone with you for the past ten minutes, convincing you to do it.

“You need to take the exam, Y/N. It’s important to monitor the pregnancy from month one.” his voice sounded understanding but also severe.

“I know. It’s just… the first doctor was so rude with me and I already hate going to hospitals so now I’m just trying to postpone it as much as possible”

Mason sighed, having been told what happened by your dad.

“I’m sorry I wasn’t there to break his jaw and make him swallow his own tongue, but I can come over to your next appointment” his words made you smile. You really like how protective Mason is, how his voice changes when he’s mad.

“You don’t need to. My dad will be at home-”

“So it’ll be me and your dad” he interrupted you. “I wanna go, see how it works”

“Fine” you chuckled. “I’ll make an appointment for mid-week then”

“Good” Mason hummed, his sleepy voice making you giggle. Suddenly, he changed the subject. “Are you still a Chelsea fan? I mean-”

You thought it was a weird question, but it didn’t take you long to figure out why he was asking you this.

“You play for Chelsea, don’t you?” you asked back.

After a few minutes in silence, Mason sighed.

“But he used to play for Chelsea too” he murmured, sounding insecure.

You felt like throwing up at the mention of Walker, and your heart ached with how sad Mason sounded at the idea of you now hating his club.

Taking a deep breath, you tried your best to fill your voice with reassurance. To make him feel safe.

“Which team do you play for, Mason?”

“Chelsea” he muttered, his voice barely audible.

“Then I’m a Chelsea fan” you reassured him. “You are my best friend. Whichever the club you chose to play for, I’ll be there in the stands for you”

“Good” he chuckled, relief overflowing through his voice. “That’s good, ‘cause I might have bought her something”

For a few seconds, you got confused about what he was saying since sleepy Mason didn't bother saying whatever is on his mind. Then you remembered that, besides you and him there’s only one person he could be talking about.

“Her?” you asked again, not thinking about your baby as a girl or a boy yet. You don’t even know what you want, since both options seem so incredibly great.

“It’s a girl” he said confidently. “I can feel it”

“How?”

“I don’t know, I just want her to be” he giggled, yawning. “I wanna be a girl’s dad”

Your heart skipped a beat. In the time you took to answer, Mason was already knocked out.

—

“Something weird happened” you started to tell Sarah, but suddenly you wanted to keep Mason’s words to yourself.

“What?” she looked at you. She was at your house, as always since you got pregnant, when your father told you he was ready, so Sarah decided to come with you to your appointment.

“Uhm- nothing” you tried to change her attention. “Mason is coming today”

“Of course he is” she smirked. “Daddy duties, right?”

You rolled your eyes, but your heart pounded with her words.

“Stop! Don’t you dare say something like this in front of him” you pointed a finger to her face.

It was Sarah’s turn to roll her eyes.

“Fine, we can’t let Mase know you have a crush on him since you’re twelve” she teased you. “At least I’ll get to be your baby’s favourite aunt since they won’t call him uncle if he’s mommy’s boyfriend”

“Oh shut up, Sarah” you slapped the back of her head. “Mason is my best friend, just like you”

“That’s why you told me first instead of calling someone who lives in another city?”

“Shut up” you felt your cheeks warm, and she laughed at you.

“Oh, look who’s here! We were talking about you, Mase!” Sarah got up and you froze.

Mason kissed her cheek before hugging you tight.

“What about me could be that interesting for you two to talk about?” he raised an eyebrow at you, and you looked at Sarah with widened eyes.

“Your new haircut” she lied and Mason looked at her, confused.

“But I haven’t-”

“Y/N?” the doctor called, and you thanked the universe before following her.

When Mason was about to follow you, Sarah held his arm.

“You’ll enter the doctor’s office with her?”

“Can’t I?”

“You know… that it’s like… they’ll check the baby through where the baby comes out” she tried to explain, miming.

“Oh, that’s it? I’ll- I’ll just ask her if she wants me to stay here”

“So you still wanna go inside, uh?” Sarah teased him. Teasing is her specialty.

“Stop, it’s not like that. I told her I’d be here to protect her, after what happened with the last one” Mason explained, but he couldn’t hide his red cheeks.

“Cute. But ‘it’s not like that’ doesn’t work with me, Mase. I know you booth” Sarah hummed.

When you put your head out of the doctor's office to call them Sarah quickly entered, leaving Mason standing in front of the door.

“Do you want me to stay outside?” he awkwardly asked you.

“Why would I?”

“Sarah told me that the exam is pretty intimate”

“It’s ok. You can close your eyes” you shrugged, taking him by hand. “C’mon, you’re here to be my bodyguard”

Mason giggled, but followed you inside. Knowing your best friend would be there with you, your dad decided to come back to work after dropping you and Sarah, since he would lose the day, so it was only the three of you.

You honestly think it’s really funny how he loves and respects Mason to the point he would let him witness his own grandson’s first ultrasound, saying “I’ll stay for the next one” before leaving. It sounds a bit crazy when you think about it.

When your doctor, a woman in her thirties, explained the whole procedure to you, you changed into a hospital gown and laid on the stretcher. Sarah was sitting next to you, in the chair they usually leave there for the father, and Mason stayed on the other side of the stretcher, with his eyes closed since you came back from the bathroom.

Your doctor prepared the equipment, warning you she was about to start the exam. You felt the initial discomfort and squeezed Sarah’s hand instantly looking for Mason’s, receiving a gentle squeeze back. From his angle he couldn’t actually see you exposed, but he was being so cute with his eyes closed so you left it like that.

While you listened to new information about your baby, you felt your heart grow fonder. For a moment, you also felt guilty that your parents weren’t the first ones to experience this moment with you, but your mother couldn’t due to work and you’re pretty sure your father isn’t ready to realise his daughter is a grown woman now.

When Sarah whispered ‘are you okay?’ after noticing your tears, you knew that for some reason they were the right ones to be with you in this exact moment.

“Yeah, I’m just happy” you smiled at her. “Mase, look at the screen”

“I can’t. My eyes are closed” he murmured seriously, making you giggle.

“You can open them, don’t worry” Sarah reassured him, laying her head beside yours.

Mason opened his eyes reluctantly and they widened when he found the monitor.

“Is that her?” he giggled before pouting. “Oh, so tiny. Y/N, you’re baking the tiniest pie in the world”

“Silly” you muttered, your cheeks hurting for how wide you were smiling. Mason searched for your eyes, his cheeks turning red when he saw you were already looking at him. You could see how emotional the moment was for him, nodding so he would know you appreciated his presence.

When the doctor talked to you again and everybody’s attention was on her, Mason whipped his eyes.

—

“You should come visit me” Mason rubbed your belly, drawing gentle circles. “I mean… you could stay with me and our families could come to Christmas and then to New Year’s”

The pair of you were laid on your bed with Sarah whilst your mother was downstairs, preparing dinner. Everything was perfect with your new doctor, and now you are excited for your next appointments, to see your belly growing.

“Why would you want that?” you teased, knowing he just misses being around his closest friends.

“I feel like I’m missing your belly bump” he pouted, just like a kid. “You’re almost four months pregnant and I only saw you like… five times since you told me”

“Yeah, Sarah is already claiming she’ll be the baby’s favourite” you giggled, leaving the rest of your friend's words out. Sarah shrugged and Mason poked his tongue out, like a child. “You know there’s still five more months, right? But I would love to, Mase”

“Good, ‘cause I might need a little help to put up my Christmas tree” he laughed, and you felt his chest vibrating. “And I have a lot of presents for her”

“You’re so confident that it’s a girl”

“I know it is” he shrugged.

“Thank you for the invitation, Mason” Sarah messed up with him, taking his hand off of you so she could caress your belly too.

“Don’t be dramatic. I said ‘our families can join us for Christmas’, so you’re included” he rolled his eyes, hitting her hand.

“But you’re inviting Y/N to spend weeks at yours” she playfully pouted, taking his hand off again. Mason huffed in annoyance.

“You see her everyday, don’t be selfish”

“Fine. You wanna be alone with her, got it. She’s all yours”

Mason shrugged and hummed in content when Sarah finally let his hand where it was. You stayed silent, without knowing how to read his action. Two minutes later, your mom called you all for dinner.

—

Mason picked you up two weeks before Christmas, to spend some time in London before the holidays, and you think you could never thank him enough for that. You were four months pregnant now, the crazy hormones and morning sickness getting the best of you, and even though you love your mom, she was slightly suffocating you over the past weeks.

You need fresh air and distractions, things London can give you.

You slept during the whole drive, knocked out by a medicine for your sickness. Mason drove in silence, humming a few songs and checking on you every so often.

Since you were still sleeping when he parked in front of his house, he took your things inside and settled them in the guest room before coming back to gently wake you.

After the initial confusion, you held his hand and Mason helped you get out of the car, slowly guiding you to the front door.

“You had a good nap?” he teased you, opening the front door for you and giggling when your cheeks turned red.

“Sorry for leaving you on your own”

“Watching you sleep is quite peaceful, don’t worry” he poked your cheek, closing the door behind you. “Welcome to my place”

You looked around. It’s a cosy place, even though from the outside you could already tell that Mason’s house is huge. He recently moved and this is the first time you’re visiting this one, so you were surprised with how different it is from the other one.

But, at the same time, something felt weird. Your eyes were immediately burning with tears when you pictured him alone in his living room, wandering around the house, cooking by himself.

“It’s so big” you pouted, turning to face him. “And you live here alone. You sleep alone and eat alone and when you finish training you come back to an empty house”

Mason was smiling when you turned to him, frowning in confusion when he saw you started to cry.

“It’s the life I chose, baby. Don’t need to cry, it’s not that bad. My family is always visiting and I have teammates coming over every week. And you’re here now. You can stay as long as you want” he stroked your cheeks. “Sarah can stay after the holidays, you can enjoy the capital together”

You were still pouting, fat and hot tears spilling down your face. It felt weird to cry for something you would usually not feel so affected by.

Not even your emotions were yours anymore?

“I think I need a cuddle” you whimpered. Mason giggled, the most beautiful sound you’ve ever heard, before letting your stuff near the door and guide you to his living room. “Don’t laugh”

“Sorry” he laughed again, sitting on his couch and pulling you closer. “You’re just too cute”

You sat beside him, resting your face on his shoulder and sighing when he wrapped his arms around yours.

“Being pregnant sucks sometimes” you vented. “I keep crying and feeling sick and crying more”

“I’m sorry pookie. I don’t think there’s anything I can do to help you, but I’ll always be here to cuddle you, yeah?” he kissed your forehead.

You hugged him tighter, chuckling when he laid on the sofa bringing you with him. After a few minutes like this, you tickled his waist.

“So, where’s your Christmas tree?”

“About that…” Mason chuckled, burying his nose in your hair.

—

Four hours later, you were finally at his house again after a whole afternoon looking for the perfect tree.

Mason wanted to choose the first he saw, but you decided to do things properly. His family would come and you wanted them to be proud of their boy, living alone and with a decent tree.

And then you needed to buy Christmas lights and ornaments.

“What do you mean, they don’t come with the tree?” Mason confusedly looked at you when you asked him to drive to the store, the proof he is the biggest mama’s boy in the world.

Deciding on the colour turned out to be a torturously slow process. Mason wanted a blue Christmas because of Chelsea, but at the same time he liked the red ornaments, and you just stayed there waiting for his decision and telling him to make a full white tree.

An hour later, he chose the white ones.

Now, you're back at home and after receiving the tree you have all you need to start decorating, but Mason has other plans.

“Leave it there” he told you when you started opening the ornaments boxes. “We’ve been out for hours, you need to eat first”

“But-”

“No, you’re in my house, I make the rules” he smirked, stretching his body. “What about you take a shower for me and I make us dinner”

“I’m not actually hungry” you pouted at him, but Mason still sent you upstairs to take a relaxing shower.

He has settled your stuff in the guest room closest to his own room, in case you would need anything during the night.

After a warm shower, you came back downstairs and found him still in the kitchen, moving his hips to All I Want For Christmas Is You. Recording a short video of him before being noticed, you got closer to see what he was preparing.

Just when you looked over his shoulder, your stomach growled, and Mason chuckled.

“Not really hungry, uh?” he teased you,

“It smells good” you shrugged.

“I’m a chef, Y/N”

“I still remember the day you burnt our popcorn, Mase” you giggled, walking to his dining room.

“Shhh, this is in the past” he put your plate on the table. “Now I’m a pro at cooking”

“Good, I don’t want my baby starving when you’re taking care of her”

“I’ll be the best for her, I swear” he smiled, poking your cheek.

—

Two weeks with Mason seemed like two days. Between training, a game away and a game at Stamford — which he made you attend to, the pair of you went to Christmas markets, some Christmas shopping and also visited a lot of baby’s stores.

He was obsessed.

Every tiny shirt, sweater, mini shoes. He wanted to buy them all. You told him he didn’t need to at least a million times, that you don’t even know the gender yet, but his answers was always “we can get the white one then” or “I’m sure it’s a girl”, so you came back to his place with a lot of

You also attended Chilly’s birthday reunion. He called all his football mates to waste their free meal with lots of pizza and beer.

You tried to eat with them, but in the end Mason spent a whole time holding your hair in Ben’s restroom. You apologised, not wanting him to lose the party with his friends, but he kept telling you were more important, and even though you were feeling ashamed, your heart pounded with how much you love having a friend like him.

The night before Christmas Eve you went to bed earlier, your stomach feeling weird all day. You were sleeping for about half an hour when a loud thunder woke you up in a second.

With your heart beating like crazy, you sat with widened eyes.

When another one crossed the sky, even louder, you felt your body start to tremble. Getting up from bed, you walked through the dark hall, tiptoeing to Mason’s room and slowly opening his door.

At first you thought of waking him up so you wouldn’t be alone, but his peaceful expression and his slight snore left you with no courage to do so.

His mouth was slightly open and his hair was in all directions, the blanket hugging his waist, leaving you with the sight of his bare chest.

You didn’t have the heart to disturb him, so you started to walk out of the room when Mason stirred.

“Y/N? What’s wrong?” he stretched his body, his raspy and sleepy voice making you forget about the storm for a couple of seconds. When another lightning cut the silence, Mason sat. “Oh baby, c’mere”

He tapped the spot beside him, quickly checking if he wore his sleep shorts before going to bed last night.

“Being afraid of storms is so cliche” you groaned, climbing his bed. “Sorry, I didn’t want to wake you”

“Don’t be silly. It’s been raining for how long?” he lifted the sheet so you could get under it.

“Twenty minutes I think”

“You should’ve woken me earlier” he yawned. “We can put a movie to distract you”

You shook your head, not wanting to disturb his routine.

“You need to sleep”

Mason brushed your hair out of your face, rolling his eyes at you.

“I won’t let you alone to deal with one of your biggest fears”

“Being with you is enough to ease the fear” you smiled at him. “Do you think I can listen to your heartbeat?”

“Wow, this is so gay” he teased, opening his arms for you. “C’mere pookie, if you want a cuddle just say it”

“I want a cuddle” you giggled, getting closer to him and resting your face on his chest. “And you have a strong heart, it’ll block the storm’s noises”

“Good” he squeezed your body, brushing his lips against your forehead. “Feel free to wake me up if you need me”

“Mm-hmm” you hummed, kissing his chest.

Mason wasn’t able to stop his heart from beating insanely fast. None of you talked about how good and right it felt to wake up with your legs interlocked, Mason’s fingers running down your back whilst he hummed ‘good morning’.

“Good morning, Mase” you replied, stretching your body. You awkwardly tried to get off his body, and he tickled your waist to ease the tension.

“Merry Christmas Eve” Mason hummed, poking your cheek. Being awake for the last twenty minutes and watching you sleep on his chest, he wasn’t ready to let the moment go yet.

“Merry Christmas Eve, Mase. I love you”

“I love you too” he grinned. “You were able to sleep?”

“Yeah, I barely heard any thunder or lightning” because your heart is strong and your chest is warm and your body is huge, you wanted to add, but you didn’t.

“Good. I think we overslept” he giggled. “I mean, you overslept, but I couldn’t wake you up and then I was afraid to move so I came back to sleep and… it’s almost afternoon”

“Mase! You should’ve woken me up”

“Nah, it’s ok. Christmas ain’t going anywhere. And I was thinking” he hummed. “When the pie you’re baking is finally here we’ll have to do the elf thing”

You giggled, picturing Mason trying to record fake videos of an elf flying around the house.

“Correction: you’ll have to do the elf thing. I’ll just enjoy it” you smiled before getting up so you could start to get things ready for the Christmas dinner.

As every rich man, Mason has someone who cleans his house for him. You met the girl during the week, and thanks to her everything is clean for the holidays and you just needed to keep it like that.

After tidying up the kitchen while Mason organised his five guest rooms, you started to decorate his living room and he also tidied up the restroom. When everything was done, you and Mason setted the table and decorated the dining room.

Giggling, Mason attached a mistletoe to one of the two dining room entrances.

“My dad asked me to do it, so he can surprise my mom” he explained, smiling shyly at you.

“Mase! This is so cute” you squeezed his shoulders from behind. “You’re such a good son. I bet one you’ll be the best of fathers”

Mason only shrugged, trying to hide how happy your words made him.

For a second, you imagined how different things would be if Mason was your boyfriend instead of Walker. If he was the one sharing this pregnancy with you.

Then you shook your head and went upstairs, so you could get ready for dinners

—

Yours, his and Sarah’s families went to Mason’s house for Christmas Eve dinner. Since he’s playing on Boxing Day, you all thought about something different so he could rest during the actual Christmas Day.

So, when you finished decorating and cleaning, you and Mason started to get ready, and it wasn’t long until they were all there.

Mason knocked to let you know everyone had arrived, but you weren’t feeling confident on your skin. You asked him to call Sarah, but you should’ve known that his protectiveness would get the best of im, and in a second Mason was inside your room, asking you what was wrong.

“I don’t feel like myself” you pouted, trying not to cry or your make up would be ruined. “I know it’s been growing gradually and I should be getting used to it, but wearing a dress kind of made it more real? It’s me, but it’s not and I feel weird”

Mason walked closer, standing behind you and looking in your eyes through the mirror.

“You are… stunning, Y/N” he smiled at you, and you suddenly felt shy. “And the bump is adorable, pookie. Don’t be shy about it. It’s part of your body now, yeah? And it’s so beautiful”

You broke eye contact, his shining eyes overwhelming you, but the way he looked at you made you feel warm. Truly loved by your best friend, the person who saw your good days and the bad ones too.

“Thank you, Mase” you turned to face him, offering him a big smile.

“C’mere” he opened his arms, and you immediately hugged him. “It’s your first Christmas as a mum, let’s get the best of it. I know what you’re thinking but he doesn’t deserve to be the reason why you’re doubting yourself, because you shouldn't doubt yourself in the first place. Just because he chose the opposite doesn’t mean anyone wouldn’t chose you”

Your heart pounded at his words and how well he knows you.

“I love you” you muttered, and Mason kissed your forehead.

“I love you more. C’mon, I’m starving” he giggled.

In the end, it turned out to be one of the best nights you had in a while. Every person had brought a dish, and they all put their presents underneath Mason’s tree. It was a night full of jokes, laughter, love and good food.

Your mom tried to help you with what to eat, and you made it through the dinner without problems.

But even though you were happy and surrounded by people you love, you couldn’t stop yourself from thinking how your Christmas would’ve been if Walker were still with you. Then, hearing your family and friends laughing and sharing histories made you feel guilty about thinking of someone who doesn’t want to be there, nor deserve it.

The night ended early, only a few minutes past midnight, and Summer, the only one who didn’t know about your pregnancy yet, was in bed since 10pm. Everybody wished their goodnights, promising to wake up early so they could all open the presents together.

After helping everyone to find their bedroom, Mason found you in the dining room when you were coming back from the kitchen, already wearing your fluffy pyjamas.

“Are you ok?” he raised an eyebrow at you, worried.

You smiled, finding his puppy and drunk eyes adorable.

“I’m alright Mase. What about you? I can put you in bed if you need to”

“Haha, funny. Even though I would love to, I’m just a bit tipsy” he poked your sides, making you chuckle. “Thank you pookie, it was an incredible night and I’m sure I wouldn’t be able to do it by myself”

“It was a really nice night, I’m happy you enjoyed” you smiled, kissing his cheek and starting to walk out of the dining table. “But now… someone needs to sleep”

Mason nodded, but he seemed to remember something after a few seconds, asking you to wait. You stopped on your feet between the dining room and the hall, waiting for him.

He knelt in front of you, holding your waist so he could brush his nose on your belly.

“Merry Christmas, tiny pie” he gave it a quick peck. “Next one you’ll be running around”

At the same time you felt shy, you also felt glad. You know he’ll always be there for your baby.

When he got on his feet again, Mason kissed your forehead. He was about to wish you goodnight when something fell between the pair of you, and your heart skipped a beat when you realised it was the mistletoe he put there earlier.

“Sorry” Mason choked and gasped at the same time, and remembering he wasn’t exactly sober made it even funnier. “I forgot”

“No problem” you smiled at him, giggling when he hid it behind his back with red cheeks.

“We can pretend it didn’t happened” he whispered, and for a second you felt insecure, unsure that maybe he didn’t want to.

But then his cheeks became even redder and you wanted to do it.

“I mean… it was on top of us” you shrugged. “Can’t fool the universe”

“We don’t have to-”

“You play Arsenal next week” you interrupted him, and you could almost see his brain trying to work. “Can’t risk your luck”

“Yeah, I can’t risk my luck” he shyly giggled. You thought he was even cuter standing there with hazy eyes, playing with the hem of his shirt. “But I don’t want us to be awkward about it”

Then you leaned on his shoulders and stood on your toes so you could face him properly, and gently pecked his lips. Mason held your waist, his other hand cupping your chin before he brushed his lips against yours, giving you multiple little kisses.

You brushed his hair out of his forehead and kissed the tip of his nose.

“See? No friendships ruined” you smiled. Mason smiled too, finding it hard to speak, and you giggled knowing he needed to sleep. “Good night, Mase”

With a last peck you quickly ran upstairs, questioning if this was the gift Santa brought you this year.

-> next chapter

[30-3am]

So I have this idea that’s been making me rabid - anyways.

Also barefoot is just really doing it for me, it’s so hard to find good quality fanfic around and this acc just HITS. (I binge read all of it in like three days) also I love the slow burn UGJGHGHGHFJJFDJDJ. I wish I had friends who related to all of this fr like I’m 19 and none of my friends have ever in their life been obsessed with a celebrity or even read Wattpad. Like - to see a 20 year old girly on here serving entertainment like this is just refreshing

This girl trying to save some money so she can travel and upgrade her life a little. She’s a student and just feels deflated with her life, like it’s not going to plan or not how she imagined it would be when she was a child. She works in this gas station or little corner shop, and she works alone a lot of the time. She’s a lonely gal. And one solemn Sunday morning, no one has been in much. Like two people. She brings a book with her always to read in the lulls when she’s done everything else and there’s no customers and during the lull she gets engrossed in her book. She’s so engaged with it, she doesn’t notice the bell chiming and someone entering. It’s JAYMZ and he says “Must be one hell of a book” and she immediately slams it shut and gets all kinds of flustered. She barely even looks at him and just starts ringing him up while apologising with hot cheeks and an embarrassed smile she’s suppressing. He’s smiling at the whole altercation and reads her name badge aloud to himself and she finally looks to him with a smile, but nearly passes out when she sees it’s a dilf in the wild, and she also kinda knows who she is but doesn’t say anything.

They make small talk and he’s really friendly to talk to and he eventually leaves and she’s like 🧍🏻‍♀️ I feel… woozy . But it becomes a regular thing for him to come in and for her to serve him. He becomes the highlight of her shifts and looks forward to seeing him as much as she looks forward to the shift ending, and they get to know each other a bit. When she’s on a more busy shift, the other girl she works with will notice them smiling loads and talking while he holds up the queue talking to her.

He cares about her future and on slower shifts stays a little longer to understand more of her life. She asks him about his and he’s a lot more… reserved about it and only drops small details here and there, but yeah. On her birthday he gives her money and she’s like 👁️👁️ no way, and he insists and leaves before she can give it back.

Her coworkers find the situation kinda amusing and tease her about it, and when she’s in the back, they tell her if he’s came in. When he sees her working, he’ll wait for her to serve him.

Then, he randomly falls off the face of the earth, stops coming in and she feels quite saddened by it, depressed even. The mundanity of her existence is brought to her attention again and she’s forced to adapt to it. She doesn’t realise that he’s gone off on tour and never got a chance to really say anything. BUT, post arrives to the shop and her manager hands a letter to her and inside he’s left a brief note like:

(I’m really not very good at imaging how he would actually say this) “Hey ~~, it’s James here. Sorry I didn’t get a chance to say a goodbye to you before disappearing off on tour, but I hope you can get off work and come see us play at (wherever). Call me: ********** to work out flights.”

Then there would be a ticket to his concert with it and she would be STUNNED. Girly of course calls when she gets home, even though it’s late, and he answers. UGH I think I’m losing my mind.

IM SORRY THIS IS SO LONG 😶‍🌫️😶‍🌫️😶‍🌫️

okay first of all, thank you so much!! i'm so glad you're enjoying barefoot. and i get you. i don't have any friends who understand what it's like to be so obsessed with a celebrity. that's why i'm on tumblr so much!!

you're so real for picturing this era tho.

i love him with this haircut and the moustache and his TUMMY. ugh i love his tummy so much.

anyways, i love this idea so so much. like this guy leaning over the counter and beaming at her while she talks and even though her job doesn't require tips, he still gives her money for her "great customer service". and everything he says and does is so subtly flirtatious and he definitely notices when she can't keep eye contact long enough, when she gets all flustered when he says something a little suggestive.

he loves getting her flustered and makes it his sole mission to hear her giggling and see her trying to compose herself as she gets hot all over.

and he's devasted when he has to go on tour and doesn't get the chance to say goodbye because he really likes this girl. so he sends her the letter and when she calls his heart genuinely fucking skips because he's so excited to hear her again. they talk for hours, catching up on life and there's this slight undertone to the conversation that something is gonna happen between them.

tbh they have phone sex before she goes to the concert 🤗

[ofmermaidstories]

I recently read your Something (just like this) fic and oh my god IT'S SO GOOD!! I love how you wrote Deku, Sero and Mineta. He feels like his pervert self, but more mature and fleshed out?! I even thought about his dumbass 'offer' for a second LIKE WHAT, HE KINDA CHARISMATIC...'ok Deku boy I'm switching sides' . You made him so tolerable I even looked forward to reading more of him in the latest chapter, and I audibly shrieked for real, worrying about MINETAS safety at one point like- … You made me look forward to read about this grape-of-a-man…. Your writing skills got me flabbergasted fr.

If you could answer, do you have any future projects you're thinking of writing in mind? Like any characters you'd like to write about as well? Whatever you may be working on in the future it'll be a delight to read! (The question might've been answered but I'm not too familiar with navigating tumblr Oop I apologize!).

The way you structure your sentances is top tier and so easy to understand and follow for someone who's first language isn't english, like mee lmao. Also happy to see an author who take their time on writing and updating as they self seem fit!!! So many authors get burnt out and tired of writing because they ‘must’ update regularly.

could you imagine if like, Mineta had accompanied Reader back to the suite and then stayed to be drinking buddies on the balcony???? omg…. and then like, they’re passing the bottle of Champange that like, Mineta lifted for them and their eyes meet…. dark and glittery….. I like to think they wouldn’t make out, simply because Mineta is for the Bros and not the Hos, but like…. you know, the tension would’ve been there, and then like, naturally that’s the moment that BAM, DEKU!

don’t mind me im just cackling to myself imagining it. actually, Anon, you’ve reminded me that i’ve been meaning to write a something!mineta one-shot for @vivianvampyric!! we’re a rock-star in it, and if i can find a way to shoehorn like, a theme of repeating damaging patterns/behaviours then i absolutely will. timeline wise it’ll have to happen after something ends sooo… hmm. 🧐 will have to plot it. but it’s on my list of future projects!! don’t apologise for not being able to navigate around this blog/tumblr—i think tumblr is quite a hard site to do anything more than like, click through blogs!! especially when you come to blogs like mine that like, just have no links LOL. i should probably fix that…. i’ve just been lazy. 😔🥺 and tbh i hate any kind of coding, no matter how minimal!!!! i had to get tumblr support to step in and help me fix my links in the blurb/header thing. 😔😔

but omg, please, you have no idea how much your ask delighted me!!!!!! apart from the fics i’ve listed in the above link (which i consider “high priority”), there’s a couple of other fic ideas floating around in my head. Like, there’s a second cowboy idea I’d like to write, but i keep calling it my not-a-fic because a) i don’t want to write the ending (lmao) and b) i’m not even sure i’ll post it when im done. 🧐 i can’t make up my mind, which means i’ve been slow with working on it (and only doing it for fun!).

Thank-you, though. 🥺 You’re very kind for coming by and saying hello—and for saying such nice things. 🥺🌷🌾🍊💜🌴 I’ve been working on the fifth chapter for something so i will make it a point to work faster—and to try and make it just as fun to read. 🥹📖🌷

[hela2romantikos]

vicki, mi pequeño mundo.. 

i imagine you remembered who you are. we go finding ourselves in bits and pieces, day by day. in this ‘break up’ something really fell and shattered inside of me. maybe you don’t respect so much my decisions in the last few weeks, but honestly im just wandering around looking for myself. and i can’t really apologise to you for that. im dipping my feet in some familiar but different waters, and of course the truth i find is that this social bubble mostly just leaves a bad taste in my mouth. but i’m looking for answers, and that is one. it tells me things, the breaking of illusions, it brings me closer to my own personal truth. i can’t waste so much energy trying to fit in to something that just seems to reject me anyhow. and actually i think i’ve decided to stay in Bogotá, of course i can’t define an entire city based on one very closed and small social group, but it doesn’t excite so much my imagination the idea of living here. the next stop in my little vacation to search for answers will be Armenia. it will be hard, in that room i still haven’t put away all our little artefacts in a bag in the closet, and Pereira is full of memories.. at the same time ill be occupied by other things. ill celebrate my moms birthday, be annoyed by andrés haha, and i’ve got a book by Virginia Woolf that i’ve been waiting for the right moment to read. it will be perfect, and ill have nothing but time to think things over.

with you the world was certainly a brighter place, its hard to think of the future in the face of this great emptiness i feel. but life is full of surprises, i know that much, and behind every other corner is a little piece of gold. 

im happy you left your room, because as disappointing as the social world can be, or as full of illusions, it is also for me something like a confrontation with the world. to imagine and form opinions of things in a closed room will probably always bring us drifting away from reality in some way, at least for me, experience has always always proved me wrong. just when i feel to understand someone or something this is another curve in that path towards understanding. maybe a party, or a classroom, is just as natural as a wild forest, and so its gotta be deep down more complex than we can imagine, just as impossible to understand. on the surface its all so predictable, but under the surface its full of mysteries. anyways, i’ve played around in those environments and im pretty tired already, its time to be alone again. in some way things are richer in privacy, i feel more free, so much more free. 

(((( an opinion: a party should be a place 2 play, to escape the usual social dynamics and let go and make fun of things. unpredictable and stupid. childlike and illogical. if its an environment 2 be cool and mysterious, 2 be proud, 2 feed off of attention and put yourself in a higher position than others than i can’t stand it. i can’t stand a serious party. )))) 

i probably sound to be writing in a tone of sad acceptance, of moving on in life with that big emptiness inside me, of accepting the death of something so precious, of grief and slow return. in some way yes, but at the same time i have never been so emotionally stubborn in my life. first i think, i probably have written more in the past 3 months of all this crisis than i ever did when we were together, the experiment to keep writing is also the effort to create something new, just more sediment of words and thoughts and feelings to stand on together. for me its a drive towards the future. its hard to communicate certain things in a subtle way, i can’t in the moment throw all my raw thoughts and feelings to you, it would be too much, but i want to say that i could never except this ‘ending’ as the true end of our story together. already that story has continued. as i write you it expands. - jared 

[butterflyyeo]

drunk in love

pairing - yeosang x fem reader

genre - fluff, angst (?)

tw - lots of alcohol consumption, swearing

wc - 10k

side ships - seongjoong, yungi

a/n -- was meant to be angst but turned into fluff... im trying my best to get better at writing angst aaaah. but please enjoy this for now <3 thanks for letting me tag you @iminchaosnow !!

------------------------------------------- you had known kang yeosang for nearly two years now. two, dreadfully slow and exhausting years.it was your final year of high school when he transferred to your school, he was a close family friend of wooyoung's. his parents had spoken highly of the school, insisting that yeosang transfers in order to excel for his last year of schooling. as far as you were concerned, he had decent grades, but he preferred to spend his time hanging around the skatepark after dark, when everyone else had left.

and in all the two years you'd known him, you had never once had a full conversation with him, despite being in your group of friends. his side of the 'conversation' usually consisted of monotonous 'yeahs' and 'mhms'. wooyoung constantly assured you it was because he's shy and that he'd eventually open up. but you weren't convinced. you tried so hard for him to like you, but your efforts were fruitless. it was infuriating, feeling like you were constantly doing something wrong whenever you were around him.

you currently found yourself in the backseat of yeosang's car, wedged between a drunken yunho and mingi while a chaotic wooyoung was singing along to his chosen playlist. (though, it sounded more like wailing.)

you and the eight boys had all decided to take a gap year, spend every last cent you earned on adventure and alcohol to make lifelong memories, before your careers became a blockade in your friendship. but the year was coming to an end soon, it was already mid november. on the bright side, that meant your favourite holidays were just weeks away.

yeosang was always the designated driver. that was something you had noticed about him over the last few years. to be honest, you weren't sure just how he coped with a screeching wooyoung, because you sure as hell weren't dealing very well with yunho and mingi who were playing a very intense game of rock paper scissors to decide who would be crashing on the couch in your apartment.

"i win!" mingi cheered, waving his hands excitedly. "you're on the couch, man."

yunho frowned, "damn."

you laughed, "it's okay, yunho. you can share the bed with me if you'd like."

"hey! that's not fair y/n! you said i could this time." wooyoung whined from the front seat.

"sorry, woo. you know i keep my promises, but you're going back to your apartment. remember?" you tried to reason.

wooyoung looked as though someone had switched a lightbulb on behind his eyes, "oh yeah! i forgot."

the four of you burst into laughter, mainly caused by the alcohol and partially because of wooyoung's realisation. and still, yeosang didn't crack a smile, hands just gripping the steering wheel tighter as his knuckles turned white.

soon, you arrived outside your apartment block, quickly stepping out the car after yunho. wooyoung wound his window down and you poked your head in, attempting to hug him goodbye.

"bye woo!" you said, giggling at your faltered farewell.

"good night y/n, thanks for the drinks!" he shouted, exclaiming a bit too loudly next to your ear.

"thanks for the lift as always, yeosang!" you yelled, pulling away from wooyoung's tight hug.

he nodded, "no problem." before putting the window up and driving away.

you pouted, turning around to face the two boys. "i just don't understand what i'm doing wrong." you buried your face into your hands, "why doesn't he like me?" you groaned.

"y/n." mingi began, "its nearly 1am, its way too late for this 'why does yeosang hate me?' crap." he shook your shoulders, literally trying to shake some sense into you.

"yeah, mingi's right. we've had this discussion a thousand times." yunho said grasping your wrist and pulling you up the stairs, stumbling along the way. (because lets be real, stairs are difficult enough as it is, let alone when drunk.) "now, let us into your apartment so we can eat your food and crash on your couch!" he joked, nudging mingi in a playful manner.

you reached into your pocket and fumbled around with they key for a moment before unlocking the door. the boys practically pushed you inside and made a beeline for the fridge.

"help yourselves! i'm going to shower." you called, dragging yourself to your bedroom.

once you'd finished showering you went back to the living room to check on yunho and mingi. not so much to your surprise, they had fallen asleep on your couch already, cuddled up into each other. it was cute, even picture worthy to show their sober selves. you reached for your phone which typically lived in your pocket, though you began to panic when it wasn't there. hurrying around the apartment, you searched every possible nook and cranny for your phone, but it was nowhere to be found. you collapsed onto your bed, snuggling into the soft sheets, too tired to worry about your phone anymore and content with the assumption that you'd left it in yeosang's car.

shortly, your heavy eyes fell shut and you began to sleep away the tequila.

————————

the next morning you awoke to mingi and yunho's deep, hungover voices, discussing their plans for the next week.

you reluctantly pulled yourself out of bed and dawdled down the hallway.

"ah! there's our favourite karaoke partner!" yunho greeted, jokingly.

you laughed, "shh, don't let wooyoung hear you say that."

"she's right, man. he'd be so offended." mingi said, stretching out his sore limbs. "how are you feeling today, y/n?" he asked.

"not the worst hangover i've had. what about you guys? you're welcome to stay here as long as you'd like, until you feel better." you replied, knowing them well enough to know that they'd need at least a few painkillers and a good meal before they went home.

yunho chuckled, "i feel like crap, but nothing a sandwich and glass of water can't solve."

"i second that." mingi said, raising a hand.

"okay, well in that case, i'll go to the store and get something for breakfast. sound good?" you reasoned, running a hand through your hair. you loved these boys, and making them breakfast was just a nice way of showing you cared. drunk or not, they knew how to make you smile and laugh, which they loved to see.

"sounds amazing!" yunho said, breaking into a sincere smile.

you quickly changed out of your pyjamas and slipped some shoes on.

"i might be a bit longer, i need to stop by yeosang's. i think i left my phone in his car." you explained, picking your keys up from the kitchen counter. "see you guys soon! feel free to take a shower if you want." you said, waving goodbye and heading out the door.

"okay, bye y/n!" the boys called from behind you.

the first stop was yeosang's apartment, he only lived about ten minutes away with wooyoung and san, in the same building as jongho. both yunho and mingi lived on the other side of town, which is why they so often crashed at your place after parties. seonghwa and hongjoong were fortunate enough to live in a house, just outside town, they had actually been the hosts of last night's party.

it didn't take long to get there. you pushed open the lobby door and made your way over to the elevator, disappointed to see that it was out of order for maintenance. instead, you took the stairs and began spiralling upwards. less than a minute later you looked up, only to bump into the man you came looking for.

"oh, yeosang! i'm so sorry, i didn't mean to." you quickly apologised, worried about creating another reason for him to dislike you.

"it's fine." he shrugged.

you both began to talk again at the same time, "ah, sorry, you go."

"i was just gonna say, you left your phone in my car. actually, i was about to bring it back." he pulled your phone from the pocket of his jacket, handing it to you. as he did, your fingers brushed against his. he spun around suddenly and began to walk away, "i'll see you around."

he had left before you even had a chance to thank him. slightly confused and frustrated, you turned back around and traipsed down the stairs.

you gathered what you needed for a hearty breakfast at the local convenience store before heading home and spending the rest of the day in the enjoyable company of yunho and mingi.

yeosang had entered back into his apartment and sat down on the couch.

"back already?" wooyoung asked, rummaging through the fridge.

"she was coming to get her phone and i ran into her on the staircase."

wooyoung sighed, "when are you gonna stop hating her?"

"i don't hate her." yeosang said, not looking up from his phone.

"then why do you act like you do?"

yeosang pretended to not hear that question and continued to scroll through his phone. see, he'd rather not dwell on things that he couldn't understand.

————————

to fill up your weekdays during your gap year, you had picked up a job at a hotel in town as a receptionist. to your dismay, your boss had asked you to work night shift all week, which is how you found yourself here on thursday night, sitting alert and waiting for the slight chance that someone might check in at this time of night. it was a pretty fancy hotel, and the job payed well enough, so really, you had nothing to complain about.

the nights seemed to drag on for an eternity. to keep yourself busy, you often wasted time counting the cars that drove past, or tried to count the number of crystals that hung from the chandelier. so far, only a few people had checked in during your shift, having come from overseas and recently arriving at the airport. honestly, whenever someone walked through the front door, lugging a suitcase behind them, you got excited as it gave you something to do.

the clock was creeping up to 4am and you let out a quiet yawn, feeling drowsy as your body clock hadn't yet adjusted to the change of sleeping patterns on such short notice. taking a sip of water, you shook your head, trying to stay awake. your head suddenly jolted up at the sound of the front door opening.

a man stumbled forward, and you'd seen enough zombie movies to become instantly paranoid. you quickly pushed the thought out of your head, feeling ridiculous for even considering it. but as the man got closer, you could smell the cheap, potent alcohol lingering on his body.

he leant against the desk, peering down at you. "i need a room for the night."  he grumbled. "my stupid wife kicked me out." he said under his breath.

you forced a friendly smile, despite feeling uneasy, "of course! i just need you to fill in this form with some simple details." you said, sliding across a clipboard and a pen.

he huffed, picking up the pen and scribbling onto the sheet of paper before pushing it back to you. "can i go now?"

"just a moment, sir." you replied, eyes skimming over the form as you copied the information into the computer in front of you.

the man was growing impatient, stepping from foot to foot with his arms crossed.

"uh, sir, you missed a part of the form. could you please provide your phone number here." you pointed to the empty space on the sheet.

"for fucks sake." he muttered, "i don't have my phone on me and i don't know my phone number." he said, annoyedly tapping on the desk.

"i'm really sorry, sir, but—"

"can't you just find me a fucking room?" he snapped, hands balled into fists and slamming against the desk, making you jump in fright.

before you had time to try and reason with him, he continued to shout.

"you're as stupid as my wife! i'll just find a different fucking hotel." he yelled, swiping the clipboard and pen off the desk. "useless bitch." he mumbled as he kicked over a chair on his way out.

you chewed your bottom lip, trying to fight back the tears. with shaky hands, you picked up your phone and dialled the first place that came to mind. after a few rings, the phone answered.

"woo?" you croaked, trying hard to not cry.

"he's asleep. this is yeosang." he replied, evidently having just woken up by the sound of his voice.

"oh." you began, instantly feeling guilty for waking him up, "i'm sorry i didn't mean to disturb you."

"did you need something?" he asked.

"i just, i was..." you let out a sob, wiping at a tear falling from your eye.

this didn't go unnoticed by yeosang, "are you crying? what are you doing awake right now anyway?"

"i'm at work." you managed to choke out.

"at 4am?"

"i'm on night shift."

"why are you crying then?" he asked, feeling something slightly tug at his heart, but choosing to ignore it.

you began to ramble, "a man came in and he was really drunk and complaining about his wife and then he yelled at me because i asked him to give his phone number and—"

"i'm on my way." yeosang cut you off.

"what?"

"i'll be there in ten." with that, he hung up the phone.

exactly ten minutes later, you were sat in the passenger seat of yeosang's car. he was dressed in sweats, clearly having come straight from bed. you'd left a note on the desk, explaining to your coworker why you wouldn't be there when she arrived to take over your shift. a silence filled the car, and you felt the need to talk, but chose not to, worried about giving yeosang another reason to hate you.

once you arrived outside your apartment building, you were surprised that yeosang got out the car too and trailed closely behind you up the stairs to your apartment. when you reached the door you spun around to face him.

"thank you for bringing me home." you said, voice quiet and still rather shaken up.

"it's no problem. good night, y/n." he replied, sensing that you were still upset. he suddenly felt this overwhelming urge to wrap his arms around you tightly and not let go until you stopped crying. he wanted to protect you from every drunk idiot on the planet. he wanted to make you feel safe.

but instead, he watched as you closed the door behind you and locked it from inside.

————————

you arrived at work the next morning, instantly feeling more comfortable with cleaners, employees and people coming and going. immediately, you headed for your boss's office.

"good morning, sir. i just wanted to come and apologise for leaving my shift early last night. i can assure you it won't happen again." you said, feeling nervous as to what your boss might say.

he shook his head, "i should be the one apologising, a man came in this morning and spoke very sternly about the safety problems here. i realise now how stupid it was of me to make you work night shift, alone, at such a young age. we've hired security guards and have also made sure that two people will be on desk at all times. i'm sorry that you had to deal with that."

you were at a loss for words, you didn't think that there would be such drastic changes just from the once incident. "thank you so much." you replied.

"for now, take the rest of the day off. you'll only be working day shifts for next week and can return to doing night shifts whenever you feel ready to do so." your boss said, motioning for the door.

the rest of the day you spent in deep sleep, catching up on some much overdue rest.

———————

weeks passed and you found that work was much more enjoyable. you still hadn't returned to working night shifts, but at least now you had someone to run the front desk with you and keep you company.

this weekend, you were going to visit hongjoong and seonghwa. hongjoong was sick and so you decided to go help out since seonghwa couldn't always be there to look after him.

you knocked on their front door and was surprised to be greeted by san.

"good afternoon! come in." he gave you a hug before ushering you inside.

"what are you doing here?" you said, following him down the hall.

in the living room, you saw all eight of the boys gathered around a couch-ridden hongjoong.

"jongho was already here when me, yeosang and woo arrived." san explained.

"yeah, and then mingi and yunho turned up." wooyoung continued.

"y/n! i have never been more glad to see you! you gotta save me from them." hongjoong laughed, arms open, signalling for a hug.

you went over and embraced him in a hug, "good thing i brought an excessive amount of cookies." you said, placing the box of cookies on the coffee table next to the couch. the table was covered in empty mugs and bowls, you could tell seonghwa had been busy and hadn't had the chance to clean up. you opened up the box and handed him a cookie before offering them around to the rest of the boys.

"you're the best cook ever." mingi said, taking a big bite.

"i made you spaghetti last night!" yunho countered, feeling offended that his roommate didn't think he was the better cook. mingi just laughed and took another bite.

"jongho get off the counter, please." seonghwa said, coming through the front door. "don't be so comfortable, you were throwing up in my toilet like a month ago." he joked.

yeosang glanced your way, his eyebrows furrowed like he was contemplating something.

"lets head off and give these two some space." yunho said, dragging mingi behind him.

wooyoung stood up, "yeah, lets get going."

yeosang pulled his keys from his pocket, "okay, bye guys." he said, heading down the hallway.

"can we get some food on the way home?" you heard san call as they left.

"bye hongjoong! i hope you're feeling better soon." jongho said, "bye seonghwa, i promise i won't throw up in your toilet any time soon." he joked, leaving through the front door.

"seonghwa, how are you? don't forget to take some time for yourself as well." you frowned.

"i'm tired, but i'll be okay. i just gotta clean up and—"

"why don't you go rest a while? i can keep hongjoong company for a few hours." you reasoned, wanting to help as much as possible. there was nothing you hated more than seeing you friends in distress and upset.

he looked between hongjoong and yourself, "i couldn't."

hongjoong let out an audible huff, "hwa! will you just let her help please, she clearly wants to."

you grinned, "exactly, now go read or sleep or watch some tv or something." you said, gently pushing him towards their shared bedroom.

you spent the afternoon tidying up and talking with hongjoong. you managed to do all the dishes and put them away before scouring their kitchen, deciding on what you could use for dinner. you found everything you needed for a decent meal and began cooking it up. hongjoong had dozed off mid conversation, surrounded in a pile of tissues, you chose to let him sleep so he would recover quicker.

about an hour later, you placed two steamy hot meals onto their dining table next to two full glasses of water. you quietly knocked on their bedroom door, finding seonghwa asleep amongst the covers.

you gently shook him awake, "hwa, i made dinner for you guys. you can wake joong up, i'll head off now." you said with a smile.

leaving the two of them to enjoy their dinner, you headed home and cooked yourself something to eat. it was nice having some time to yourself, but saturday nights were becoming more and more empty as winter grew closer. december was only days away and the year would soon come to an end. you reached for the phone, suddenly desperately missing your friends despite only seeing them hours ago.

"hey woo, are you free next weekend?" you asked.

he paused a moment, "i think so, why?"

"you wanna go out with the others? it's been a while since we have all caught up for drinks."

"count me in!" wooyoung cheered.

you called everyone else up and they all agreed, even hongjoong promised to come if he was feeling better.

————————

you found yourself surrounded by wooyoung, san, yunho and mingi as the music blared. it was a less popular club on the far side of town but it was a comfortable place for you all. you often came here for drinks and the staff members knew you, quite well, a little too well. san grabbed your hand and spun you around a few times with the music.

you laughed, leaning against him, "maybe spinning around isn't the best idea right after two shots of vodka."

"what?" san yelled into your ear, struggling to hear you over the music.

you laughed louder, pulling him closer to you, "i said, spinning is not a good idea after drinking vodka!"

"oh!" he joined you in laughing before trying to twirl you around once more.

hongjoong and seonghwa sat at the bar, holding hands and being intimate as always. yeosang was sat next to jongho at a booth, quietly talking with him, but from the corner of your eye, you saw jongho stand up and walk away. your eyes watched him worriedly and you couldn't help but run after him. you followed him as best you could, stumbling every now and then. he'd gone to the bathroom so you patiently waited outside until he came back, looking slightly pale.

you practically leapt at him, doing a quick scan to make sure he was okay, "jongho? are you alright?"

he smiled at your overwhelming concern, "yeah, i just drank too much as usual. i'll be alright, you can go back to dancing."

"let me just get you some water first. i'll be right back okay?" you patted his shoulder. "don't go anywhere i'll be back in a second."

you made your way back to where jongho had been sitting with yeosang. as you approached, yeosang eyed you up and down, taking in your drunken state, though, it wasn't the first time he'd seen you this way. you nearly tripped as you reached the table, struggling to walk in heels.

"i need a glass of water, do you have a glass of water? jongho needs a glass of water." you mumbled to yourself, reaching for the jug in the center of the table.

"are you okay?" yeosang asked, quickly pushing your hand away from the jug.

"i'm okay, but jongho needs water. can i take this cup? he's waiting for me, i told him not to go anywhere, i need to get back to jongho—" you tried to pick up a glass but yeosang pressed your hand back down once more.

"i'll take it to him, you stay here." he said, filling the cup full with water and heading towards the bathrooms.

your brain suddenly felt fuzzy and your eyes became blurry, it was like the alcohol hit your system all at once. your head spun round and round and you leaned forward, resting your hands on your head. you'd never felt this sick from drinking, maybe you'd had too much too quickly, maybe it was the spinning. there was no way to tell, all you knew was that you felt like you were about to fall from the top of a very high roller coaster.

your eyes felt increasingly heavy, you allowed them to slip shut, head falling to the table with a not so gentle thud.

"y/n?" someone shook you, "y/n wake up!" it was wooyoung.

"shit, is she okay? should we call an ambulance?" jongho said, reaching for his phone.

"is she breathing? has anyone checked?" seonghwa gently lifted your shoulders and sat you upright, relieved to see the rise and fall of your chest. "we should call a taxi and get her home."

"are you crazy? she's unconscious, she won't be able to get up the stairs to her apartment! what if the driver is dodgy? she's already had to deal with shitty men while working night shift, imagine if something happened while she's drunk!" yeosang blurted out. the boys were shocked over his sudden concern for you. yeosang had never once shown any interest or care for you in the presence of them.

"well, what should we do then?" mingi asked, worriedly running a hand through his hair.

"i'll take her, you've all been drinking." yeosang concluded. "she'll be fine, don't worry. enjoy the rest of your night, okay? i've dealt with woo passing out before remember?"

"that's true." san said, throwing a light hearted glare in wooyoung's direction, who showed a rather sheepish expression.

the boys went back to their drinks, taking it a little slower now and yeosang carried you to his car. it wasn't easy, but he managed to sit you upright in the back seat of his car with his rear view mirror aimed directly at you so he could make sure you were okay.

he was able to lift you up the stairs and get your house key from the pocket of your jacket, which would've looked questionable to anyone else, but he had the best intentions. he sat you down in a dining chair, watching as your head lolled forward and your body slumped. he quickly filled a glass of water and came back to you.

"y/n." he whispered, resting a hand on your shoulder. "y/n." he said again, louder this time.

the last thing he wanted to do was hurt you, but you weren't waking up and that was becoming concerning. he shook your shoulder, as gently as he possible could in a moment like this, and to his relief, your eyes hesitantly opened.

your head felt like a bowling ball and you groaned quietly. "yeosang?"

"here." he said holding the cup to your lips, allowing you to take a small sip.

"how did we get here?" you mumbled, head rolling to the side.

he caught your head and carefully pushed you back upright, "i drove you, this is your apartment."

"oh." you said, eyes drooping shut again. "oh." you repeated.

"y/n, i really need you to stay awake right now." he said, bringing the cup to your mouth again. "lets talk."

"we never talk!" you exclaimed. "this is the longest conversation we've ever had!"

"i know." he said, pulling up a chair to sit directly in front of you. yeosang felt that slight tug at his heart again tonight, the way you sounded so excited just to talk with him.

"no, no, no." you whined, "this is so bad!"

"what is it?"

you pouted before nervously biting your lip, "i'm really sorry."

"for what?" he questioned, leaning back in his chair.

"for ruining your night and making you stay here with me! now you just have another reason to hate me." you sighed, letting your head fall into your hands.

"i could never hate you." he said, voice barely above a whisper.

but you had fallen back asleep, so yeosang sat you upright once more and monitored you closely all night. with every minute that passed, he wished more and more that it was easier for him to show his emotions, to you especially. he wondered if maybe he wasn't so closed off that things would be different between the two of you. but it was hard for him, to let people in, he was afraid. afraid of people judging the real him, afraid of what might happen if he lets himself become vulnerable, afraid of facing his feelings about you.

you awoke hours later with a raging headache and extreme nausea. you headed straight for the bathroom and hunched over the toilet, feeling the sickest you'd ever felt. yeosang waited patiently outside the bathroom door with a glass of water and painkillers.

when you came out, he held his hand out, "take this."

you looked down at his hand and then up at him, slightly confused, "what are you doing here?"

"you passed out last night, and i drove you home because everyone else had been drinking." he said, passing the glass of water.

"oh my god." you ran a hand through your hair, "yeosang, i'm so sorry. i didn't mean to be any trouble! you must of been here all night, i promise it won't happen again, that was so stupid of me—"

"it's fine, don't worry about it." he said, shrugging, "i'll get going now, but make sure you take it easy and drink enough water." his eyes carefully scanned your body one last time, making sure you were really okay. he headed for the door and you followed.

"i'm really sorry." you frowned, feeling as though no amount of apologies would make it up to him.

he let out a slight chuckle, "it's okay, seriously y/n." he said before leaving. you heard the all too familiar jingle of his keys as the door closed behind him.

he'd stayed with you all night, eyes watching over you closely. ready at your side whenever you stirred in your sleep. he'd been there in the morning prepared with water and painkillers. this was never how it was, usually this was your job, taking care of the boys. it was your way of showing you cared, helping out wherever possible.

this wasn't like yeosang. at all.

————————

as soon as yeosang got home he was greeted by a very concerned san and wooyoung.

"is she okay?"

"are you tired?"

"did she wake up?"

he was bombarded by questions.

"she's okay, she fell asleep after a while and i made her take some painkillers when she woke up." yeosang said, collapsing onto the couch.

"so you really don't hate her then." wooyoung thought aloud.

"he can't, he spent the whole night looking after her!" san said, hitting wooyoung like it was obvious.

"owww," wooyoung rubbed his arm, "even she thinks you don't like her!"

"i know, she said last night. but she probably won't remember saying that." yeosang said, feeling increasingly drowsy from his lack of sleep.

"maybe you guys should like, talk things out?" san suggested, taking a seat next to him.

"maybe." yeosang said, drifting off into sleep.

you had spent the day curled up in bed, wondering how you could make it up to yeosang, and there was nothing more you wanted than to get to know him better, but what would he want? you called up san on that thought.

"hey sannie," you said, "i need your help, actually, is woo there as well?"

"oh my god she's alive!" you heard wooyoung call from beside san.

"what do you need help with?" san asked.

you paused a moment, "is yeosang there?"

"well yes, but he's asleep."

you groaned, "i feel so bad that he stayed up all night looking after me. i really wanna make it up to him but i don't know how. plus, it's not like he's that fond of me. maybe i should just thank him by staying out of his space."

"i don't think he'd like that." wooyoung interjected. "i still think he just needs time before opening up to you."

"i think its just me." you sighed, worriedly chewing on your bottom lip.

"hey! don't be like that! there's no reason to not like you." san scolded you for down talking yourself as he always does.

"agreed." wooyoung said, chiming in.

"i'm sure i'll work something out. thanks guys! enjoy the rest of your day!" you said.

"good luck!"

"bye y/n!"

————————

you had been staring at your phone for at least an hour, typing and retyping the message to yeosang. wooyoung gave you his number so that you could contact him when you'd finally worked out how to make it up to him. in the end, you decided that you would let him decide.

you drew in a sharp breath and squeezed your eyes tightly shut as you pressed send.

you: hey yeosang, i still feel really bad about the other day, i wanna know how i can make it up to you !!

yeosang: did wooyoung give you my number? T~T

you: yes he did.. i hope thats okay !

yeosang: of course yeosang: how about you make it up to me over a cup of coffee? >.<

you: that sounds great !! you: when are you free ?

yeosang: does tomorrow morning work for you ? i can pick you up ^_^

you: of course ! i'll see you tomorrow :)

yeosang sat in his room, facepalming. why was it so easy to be more open over text?

you on the other hand, felt your heart swell in a bizarre way. maybe it was the way you hadn't expected him to use such cute little emoticons. maybe it was the way that you'd be able to have a full conversation with him. whatever it was, excitement had taken over you.

————————

a knock pounded at your door and you rushed to open it.

"ready to go?" he asked, leaning against the door frame coolly.

"yes, lets go!" you said, sounding a little too excited.

the two of you made your way down the stairs and into yeosang's car. you found yourself smiling as you looked out the window.

your excitement hadn't gone unnoticed, "you seem awfully excited."

"i really wanted to make it up to you," you beamed. "it must've been boring to watch over me all night."

"i didn't mind so much." he said, shrugging.

you frowned, "you shouldn't of done it."

"and leave you passed out in the club?" he quirked an eyebrow up at you.

"well..."

"exactly." he said, parking the car outside a small cafe nearby his apartment. "come on, lets go inside."

you followed him in and took a seat across from him at a table close to the window. you both ordered coffees and resumed conversation.

"so, where were we?" you smiled, taking a sip of coffee.

"talking about how you wanted me to leave you passed out in the club." he said. you were almost convinced you saw a teasing smile pulling at his lips.

"right. i'm so sorry about that."

this time he actually chuckled, and you were taken aback. it was like the wall yeosang had surrounding himself was crumbling before your eyes.

"you need to apologise less." he laughed, bringing his coffee cup to his mouth for a sip. "half of the time we talk its just you saying sorry to me."

"i'm so—"

"hey!" the two of you broke into laughter.

his laugh was loud but warm and you couldn't help but notice the way his nose scrunched up cutely, the way his eyes looked full of stars and the way he brushed his hair out of his eyes after, revealing his beautiful birthmark. from that point on, you wanted to be the one to make him laugh every day.

he felt that familiar tug at his heart, the one he'd been feeling every moment he spent alone with you. the one he felt when he first met you. the one he couldn't make any sense of. it was as though his heart was a violin and you were the one playing it. (which would explain the tugging feeling.) but you were playing the sweetest song and he never wanted it to end.

the two of you laughed the morning away, gradually making up for what you'd missed over two years in a matter of two hours.

you'd discovered that even after getting him to open up more, he wasn't one for words. you found yourself talking his ear off while he listened intently, occasionally sharing his opinions and stories. in all his honesty, he didn't mind listening to you talk. he could've sat there all day, drinking countless cups of coffee, watching the way you bit your bottom lip whenever you paused to think or the way your eyes filled with sparkles when you talked about something that made you happy.

you insisted on paying for the infinite cups of coffee, as it was your way of making it up to him. he reluctantly agreed, but promised that he would pay if there ever was a next time, which he secretly hoped there would be. he'd finally had the chance to let his walls down. (it was actually more like you'd climbed the walls and torn them down with your bare hands.) but he was thankful for it.

he drove you back to your apartment, even after you persisted on walking home, seeing as it wasn't that far. he refused, insisting that he drive you. he even followed you up the stairs to the door of your apartment.

you turned around to face him, "you know, you're not so bad when you actually wanna talk to me."

"you know, you're not so bad when you're not drunk." he countered, his lips breaking into a playful grin.

you glared jokingly, "hey! don't make me apologise again."

"okay, okay. i won't." he said, raising his hands in defence.

you smiled, resting against the door, "alright, well, i've really enjoyed hanging out with you today. maybe we should catch up more often."

"maybe we should." he said, bearing a coy smile, "bye, y/n. i'll see you around."

————————

it was only about a week later he showed up at your work, at the end of your shift. you were pleasantly surprised to see him, and at first thought he was just someone coming to book a room.

"hello, are you looking for a r— yeosang?"

"when do you get off work?" he asked, glancing over to the clock.

"five minutes."

"i'll be waiting in the car, okay?" he said, turning on his heel and heading for the door.

on his way out, you saw as he ran into your boss, the two of them beginning conversation.

"it's good to see you've made those security changes." yeosang said as he nodded, extending his arm for a friendly handshake. "i'm very thankful."

your boss shook his hand, "and i'm thankful that you suggested them."

just over five minutes later you got into the passenger seat of yeosang's car.

"it was you who told my boss about the safety problems." you said, in near disbelief.

"hello, to you too." he joked sarcastically. "well, i would hate to think that the situation could happen again, so i just suggested some possible improvements. thats all." he shrugged like it was nothing.

"suddenly, i feel the need to make it up to you again." you smiled shyly.

"you can do that by accompanying me to the skate park." he said, motioning to his skateboard on the back seat.

"ah, so thats why you came."

"well yeah, i wanted to bring you to the skate park."

your heart swelled once again, feeling joyed that he wanted to share one of his favourite places with you. (despite him never telling you directly, you knew he loved the skate park as he spent majority of his high school time there when he wasn't studying.)

when you arrived, the sun was beginning to slip behind the horizon, causing the sky to glow a rosy pink. there were still a few kids, probably high schoolers, hanging around the park. you took a seat at a bench and waited for yeosang to come over, who was getting his skateboard out the car. you felt oddly out of place since you were still in your neat work uniform and didn't know the first thing about skateboarding.

yeosang rolled over with a grin plastered onto his face, you'd never seen him so happy, and it made you happy to see him this way. it was strange how all it took was a few cups of coffee for him to become a completely different person around you.

he didn't need to ask you to watch as your eyes were already glued to him as he dropped into the bowl, showing countless tricks and flips.

the truth was in fact that yeosang was grateful for you 'making it up to him'. he'd never been able to comprehend his feelings for you, if they were even feelings at all. he hated the confusion and decided it was easier to ignore it, and to an extent, ignore you, to make it go away. it had been working for the most part, until every time the two of you were alone together, he couldn't ignore the slight tug at his heart, that was becoming more of a pull over the last few weeks.

"you're amazing!" you cheered as he sat down next to you, out of breath.

"thanks." he smiled shyly, running a hand through his hair and out of his face. he leaned back, looking up at the sky. "do you sometimes wish you could see the stars from within the city? hongjoong and seonghwa are so lucky they can see them from their house."

you pondered a moment, thinking about the last time you actually saw stars in the sky. "i see stars in your eyes sometimes." you said, absent minded.

he felt warmth burning in his cheeks, "you do?"

"do what?" you turned to him, "did i say that out loud?" you gasped, covering your face in embarrassment. "i'm sorry, i didn't mean to say that it was just a thought and—"

"what did i say about apologising?" he laughed. "it's getting cold, right? you ready to head home?" he asked.

you smiled, "if you are."

he drove you home and said goodbye, feeling happy about spending time alone with you once again. he couldn't stop thinking about what you said and you couldn't stop feeling like a fool for saying it.

————————

the weather got colder and colder and soon it began to snow as the days of december passed. you had spent the day helping jongho move some new furniture into his apartment. it was a difficult job, but easier with the two of you, even san and wooyoung came to help. you couldn't resist wondering where yeosang was and why he didn't come, seeing as they lived in the same building. maybe he was busy, you thought.

"hey, where's yeosang?" you asked, lifting a box and placing it on the kitchen counter.

"at home, i think he's been feeling sick or something, he hardly comes out of his room lately." wooyoung shrugged, assuming it was all good.

"if he's sick i'll bring him over some food and painkillers, maybe keep him some company." you explained, not wanting yeosang to be unwell.

"i think he'd rather be left alone, to be honest." san said, giving wooyoung a side glance that you couldn't miss.

you pulled out your phone and sent yeosang a quick message.

you: are you feeling okay? san and woo said you were sick :((

he didn't respond right away and you just figured he was asleep. but as you finished helping out at jongho's house a few hours later, he still hadn't responded. when you were sitting down to eat dinner at home, he still hadn't respond. just before you were going to turn the lights out and go to bed, he still hadn't responded.

something was up. this wasn't like yeosang, not anymore. not since the two of you had been spending so much time together. maybe it was like the boys said, and he was truly very sick, but in that case, why wouldn't they let you help?

————————

days passed and you went to work as usual, repeating the same few lines, asking people if they want a room, asking them to fill in a form, then directing them to the right room. days passed and you still hadn't heard back from yeosang, you wondered if he was still sick. days passed and you began to think maybe you should go over there to see if he's okay.

but if there was one thing you'd learnt about yeosang recently, it was that he was the quieter type, and probably wouldn't appreciate you going over there to keep him company and would rather be alone. so that evening when you got off work, you didn't go visit him like you so desperately wanted to, instead, you went straight home.

you cooked and ate dinner for yourself, before picking up your phone, only to see still no messages from yeosang.

you: hey woo you: is yeosang feeling better ?

wooyoung: yeah he is

you: well then can i come visit tomorrow ?

wooyoung: i think he's busy wooyoung: sorry

you: its okay woo you: its not your fault !!

you switched your phone off and headed for the shower, trying to wash away the stress and worry for yeosang that had built up over the last few weeks. you had really grown to like him and there was still so much about him you wanted to learn, like when he learned to skateboard or how he got the small scar on the back of his hand, that you'd noticed when ever he brushes his hair out of his eyes.

two years he'd spent, not interested in holding conversation with you and two years you'd spent, wondering what you'd did so wrong. but lately, you felt like you were doing something right around him, getting him to smile and laugh, share his own stories.

you couldn't shake the feeling that maybe he still didn't like you, and had just been trying for wooyoung's sake.

or maybe he was genuinely starting to like you, but you went and fucked it up by weirding him out and telling him about his starry eyes.

or maybe he'd just had enough of you already. decided that a few weeks was enough time spent trying to change things between the two of you.

as you finished showering and changed into comfortable clothes, you glanced at the clock which read 10:56pm. you switched on the television to watch some youtube before going to bed. as you felt yourself dozing off, a faint knock sounded at your door, so quiet you almost missed it.

when you opened the door, you were shocked to see yeosang standing there, leaning against the door frame for support. he looked up at you, his normally starry eyes were dulled with tears.

you rushed forward to him, smelling the alcohol as you got closer, "yeosang are you okay? what are you doing here? i thought you were sick. are you drunk? you never drink, come inside." you gently pulled him inside, closing the door behind you. when you turned to face him, he was staring at you, tears about to spill over the brim of his eyes.

"i hate you." he breathed out, voice barely louder than a whisper. he didn't seem angry though, he looked fragile, like a glass vase balancing on the edge of a table.

you felt the urge to cry, finally hearing those three words that confirmed your biggest concern, yeosang disliking you. "yeosang, i'm so sorry. i never meant to—"

"i hate you." he said, louder this time before running a hand through his hair hastily. he let out a frustrated groan, dragging his hands down his face. "i hate the tugging feeling in my heart whenever we're alone. i hate the way you put yourself before others. i hate the way you ramble on when you're nervous. i hate the way your eyes sparkle when you laugh. i hate the way i don't drink around you because i feel the need to protect you and make sure you're safe. i hate the way i tried to ignore you for two years because i was scared and confused about my own feelings. i hate how it only took one cup of coffee with you for my walls to come crashing down!" he paced from side to side, waving his hands around crazily.

yeosang looked scared and lost, like he'd never felt this way about anyone before, and that was the truth. he didn't know how to comprehend these feelings and it terrified him.

you watched as he spiralled, seeming as though it would never stop. you weren't sure what to do, so you just listened to that swelling feeling in your heart once again, the one that had led you to develop feelings for yeosang, and you pulled him close into your arms. he clung onto you tightly, scared to let go, like if he did then he'd lose you forever. you ran your fingers through his hair briefly, trying your best to comfort him.

"i'm sorry." you repeatedly whispered to him. you'd never meant to upset him or confuse him.

yeosang let out a quiet sob into your chest, "i hate the way i've fallen in love with you." he croaked out.

he didn't hate you. never did. never will. your heart swelled completely in your chest, feeling as though it would burst through. but it couldn't be true. he's totally drunk out of his mind.

"you're not in your right mind, yeosang, you need to get home. you're drunk and talking nonsense." you embraced him tightly one more time, and you could've sworn you felt the beat of his heart through the hug. "come on," you urged, steering him towards the door, "wooyoung and san are probably worried and waiting up for you."

with much effort, you led him down the stairs of your apartment block and walked him home. the street lamps led you in the freezing city night air. you held his wrist lightly, guiding him up the stairs to his own apartment. he didn't speak a single word the whole time, instead, sniffling and wiping at his eyes. it hurt you so much to see him this broken, but you knew he wasn't saying the truth under control of the alcohol in his veins.

you knocked at his apartment door, hoping that one of the boys were still awake. luckily, they both were and quickly they flung the door open.

"y/n? yeosang?" san questioned, his eyes wide open with disbelief.

"we've been so worried about you!" wooyoung said, pulling yeosang away from you. "hang on, are you drunk?"

san had noticed his tired, tear stained eyes, "you look like you've been crying! are you okay?"

you let out a quiet sigh, knowing you didn't need to be here anymore. you gave a small wave goodbye and headed home, utterly exhausted.

and though you were so drained, you couldn't seem to fall asleep. those words yeosang said to you kept running through your mind busily.

did he mean any of it?

————————

yeosang felt bad. he felt terrible. like he wanted to vanish into thin air and float away with the breeze. though he couldn't, no, he desperately wanted to apologise to you. but he didn't know how, he wasn't good with words or expressing his feelings, and you wished he knew that was something you loved about him.

wooyoung and san tried to ask him what happened the night he drunkenly confessed to you, but he couldn't have them know that he'd been harbouring feelings for you for all this time, they'd never let him live it down. he could imagine the continuous teasing they'd give him, nudging him whenever you were together or giving him side glances after talking to you.

yeosang gave it lots of thought. he mulled it over in his head repeatedly. it was only after hours spent hidden away in his room that he decided to go back to where it all started, a text. a text that said how much he wanted to make it up to you for having to deal with him drunk, just like the one you'd sent initially.

yeosang: hey y/n, i feel really bad about the other day, i wanna know how i can make it up to you! T^T

your heart leapt a mile seeing his name appear on your phone. you grinned upon reading his message, realising it was scarily similar to the message you had first sent him.

you: hmmm you: that sounds familiar

yeosang: >.< yeosang: seriously though, how does dinner at my place tomorrow night sound? i'll cook

you: you can cook?

yeosang: there's a lot you don't know about me x_x

you: okay, i'll be there !!

————————

yeosang wasn't lying when he said he can cook. as you traipsed up the stairs of his apartment block you could smell something delicious laced in the air.

the usual swelling in your heart had instead fell to the pit of your stomach, you were feeling slightly nervous as to what would happen when you entered yeosang's apartment. you inhaled deeply before knocking at the door of his apartment.

"hey y/n, come in." yeosang greeted, holding an arm out, signalling for you to come inside.

"you must've been working hard cooking! it smells delicious." you said, feeling a sense of comfort just from the smell of food.

"yeah, lucky i sent wooyoung and san over to jongho's place, otherwise i doubt there would be any pasta to serve." he joked. "you can take a seat, i've just gotta serve up."

you sat down in front of a neatly laid table, it had somewhat surprised you how much effort yeosang had put into this dinner tonight. he placed a steamy hot plate of pasta in front of you and one where he would sit.

"so." he began.

"so." you copied, teasingly.

"i guess, i really just wanted to say i'm sorry for how i behaved the other night when i was drunk. you shouldn't of had to deal with that." he frowned, poking at his dinner.

you furrowed your brows, "it's seriously fine yeosang." you took a bite of pasta, "i was just surprised to see you drunk, since you never drink."

he chuckled, bringing a hand up to cover his mouth, "actually, i do. i just never drink when you're there."

"really? why?" you questioned, eating another mouthful of pasta.

"because..." he paused. "no, it sounds dumb out loud."

"it's okay, you don't have to explain yourself." you smiled warmly, "but that does remind me to ask... do you remember anything you said to me while you were drunk?" you leant forward, genuinely curious.

he sighed, "i remember.. enough."

"you don't really hate me, right?" you asked, playing with the food on your plate.

"of course not! that's why i invited you here tonight. to show you that i don't, and to make it up to you." he had to refrain from reaching across to hold your hand, just to show how much he cared that little bit more.

you nodded, "well, thats good. i was kinda worried that we'd gone back to square one."

comfort settled within you. it was relieving to know you weren't hated by the one person whose love you wanted most. a tiny thought crept into your mind, maybe, just maybe, now would be the right time to tell him about your blossoming feelings for him. or would that confuse him more? now you were the one feeling conflicted.

"are you finished eating?" he asked, reaching for your empty plate.

"yes, thank you! it was delicious. you're a good cook, y'know."

"ah, thanks y/n." he turned away to hide the blush appearing on his cheeks.

"would you like me to do the dishes? since you cooked." you offered, standing up. but he quickly opposed.

"don't be ridiculous." he shooed you back to your seat. "can i get you a coffee? water? wine?"

"a coffee sounds good, i think you and i have had too many drunken situations lately." you laughed.

yeosang pulled out two mugs and put the kettle on. he felt your eyes carefully watching him. once again, he hated the feeling that was pulling at his heart. the way you could say nothing, yet he felt everything.

"can i tell you something?" you asked, voice now quieter and more hesitant.

"sure, what is it?" he said, placing a warm cup of coffee in front of you.

you took a sip, humming in delight. it was exactly the way you liked it. when the two of you went out for coffee, he had unintentionally remembered just the way you like it.

"well," you began cautiously, in case you brought this situation into flames again. "i just... i always wondered why you didn't like me. if i was doing something wrong, if i said something once that really upset you. and then after we started spending time together, i finally felt like i was doing the right thing." you groaned, frustrated with yourself for not getting to the point quicker. "what i'm trying to say is that i have feelings for you. it's okay if you don't feel the same way. i wouldn't expect you to, i just thought you should know—"

yeosang basically choked on his coffee, eyes widening in shock. "it's okay, y/n! in case you hadn't noticed, i'm crazy about you."

you had continued to ramble nervously before hearing what he said.

"wait. you are?"

"basically ever since you said that thing about stars in my eyes, yes."

you cringed, remembering how you had said that so absent minded. "yeah, sorry about that."

"it's okay, it was cute. and what did i say about apologising?"

you shook your head and smiled, "i know."

————————

ever since the two of you confessed to each other, you had been almost inseparable, except of course when you had work. but he dropped you home most nights, even though you insisted it was okay and that you could walk. he came over every weekend just to spend time with you, even if the two of you just sat and talked, enjoying each other's company. you'd been dating for a few weeks now, but kept it undercover, not wanting to suffer the incessant questioning that would come if you told your friends.

it didn't go unnoticed either, wooyoung and san were constantly nagging yeosang about why the two of you spent so much time together, and each time he just shrugged it off.

christmas was just around the corner, so you were spending the evening at seonghwa's and hongjoong's house, who of course, were throwing an unnecessarily large house party to celebrate.

you were sat between a very drunk yunho and mingi, who were trying to talk to an also very drunk jongho. you eyed your boyfriend from across the room, as if asking for a way out and he just laughed at the situation you were stuck in.

after at least ten minutes more of having your ear talked off, yeosang came to pull you away to the dance floor.

"care to dance?" he asked, extending his hand to you.

you immediately jumped up, latching onto his hand, "i would love to!"

he chuckled, pulling you close to his side and leading you to the makeshift dance floor that seonghwa and hongjoong created.

the two of you laughed at the boys' reaction. they were completely shocked to see the two of you so close together and yeosang being friendly.

he twirled you around a few times with the music, before settling his arms around your waist. he brought you near to him as you placed your arms behind his neck. you swayed back and forth, engulfed in your own little bubble of comfort in each other's arms, completely out of time with the loud thumping music that blared around you.

you felt content, and yeosang no longer felt confused. he found his home in your arms and his happiness.

you reached up to place your lips on his, capturing the moment surrounding you. yeosang melted into the kiss, discovering that your lips were soft and sweet against his, just as he had imagined, which caused his knees to feel weak and his heart to skip more than just one beat. he never wanted to let you go, he wanted to compensate for every second that he didn't spend with you since the two of you met.

he leaned forward and whispered softly, just so you could hear above all the music and singing, "lets stay like this forever."

[worldserasingandcreatinginmymind]

Disappointment | Ivan x Daughter!Reader

Requested by @theweasleytwinsownmyjuicyass​: “so I’m really a sucker for parent tropes so maybe you could write a Ivan x daughter!reader where he had her with a non grisha woman who gave birth and later left the baby at the little palace for him. Now she is grow and Ivan being Ivan is hard on her especially because she’s kind of failing being a heartrender (cuz that’s not her real grisha power) and they have a huge fight about it and she runs away in the middle of the night. When Ivan find out in the morning he becomes very worried and asks The darkling and Fedyor to help him find her. (Maybe they find her a bit hurt cuz she was attacked. Just for more angst and feels:3)”

Pairing: Ivan x Daughter!Reader, Fedyor x reader (platonic)

Word Count: 1900

Warnings: angst, mentions of blood

A/N: As always, spelling and grammar are not my strongest skills so please be kind :)

Masterlist

- - - - -

“Ivan!” Fedyor calls as he runs down the corridor carrying a medium size wicker basket “Ivan, someone left this outside the doors of the little palace” 

“Oh?” Ivan says, uninterested as he continues walking.

“The note left with it says its for you.” 

Ivan stops walking and abruptly turns around to finally face Fedyor who hold out the basket to him. He takes it and slowly lifts the lid, freezing when he lays eyes on what’s inside. 

“What is it? What’s in there?” Fedyor asks curiously but gets no reply “Ivan?” 

He moves to stand by Ivan’s side, peering over to see the baby girl wrapped up tight inside, fast asleep without a care in the world. 

“I don't understand, why would someone give you a baby?” Fedyor asks. 

“Because she’s my daughter.”

— — — — 

Seventeen years later. 

Growing up in the Little Palace wasn’t exactly a normal childhood, especially being the daughter of one of the Darkling’s most favoured Grisha. You never really felt like you fit in with the other kids, especially since your father made you learn with Heartrender children even though you were actually a healer. He was convinced you would share the same power as him and because you wanted to please him you went along with it. 

It was hard growing up without a mother too. Your father was always honest with you, about how he had spent the night with a non Grisha woman and hadn’t even known she was pregnant until one night you were left on the doorstep. Part of you wished you could meet your mother, but the other part of you didn’t care about a woman who could so easily abandon you. 

You were close with your father’s lover, Fedyor. He became the closest thing you had to a mother figure. He was softer and more caring than your father. When you were younger he would occasionally sneak you away for fun days out playing games in the woods. Even now he would take you out on horse riding lessons when he felt you needed a break. 

Ivan did not approve. 

“She’s my daughter and I say she must attend all her training sessions!” 

“You're too hard on her Ivan, the poor girl is exhausted from all the pressure you put on her. Give her a break” Fedyor argues back as you press your ear to their door so you can hear. 

“I’ll give her a break when she earns one. Right now she’s the worst in the whole class of heartrenders. Even the children are better than her”

“Maybe because I’m not actually a Heartrender!” You say as you burst through the door.

“This is a private conversation!” Ivan shouts. 

“Not if it’s about me it’s not.” You shout back

“Y/N” Fedyor speaks calmly, trying to defuse the situation “maybe you should go-”

“No Fedyor, I can’t do this anymore. I can’t live like this” you turn and address your father “All I’ve ever done, all I ever do is try and live up to your expectations. Try to be like you. Hide my true self because I’m terrified of disappointing you. But I can’t lie anymore. I’m not a Heartrender. And no matter how much you or I try to force it, I will never be a Heartrender.”

You take off your red and black kefta and hand it to your father. There’s a silence as he looks down at it before finally looking up at you.  

“You're just going to give up on everything we’ve worked for, everything you’ve wanted?”

“I never wanted any of this Dad. You did! I just went a long with it to please you”

“Get out of my sight!” 

“Dad-”

“I have never been more disappointed in you than I am right now. I am ashamed to call you my daughter”

“Ivan!” Fedyor speaks up as you stand there silent for a moment, staring at your father.

Fedyor comes to your side, placing a hand on your shoulder but you shake him off and run out the room as hot tears fill your eyes. You hear Fedyor call after you but you ignore him, continuing to run out of the Little Palace. You don't stop running until you reach the woods, leaning against a tree and sliding your back against the rough bark to sit on the ground. You bring your knees up to your chest and let the tears flow, unaware of the stranger watching you in the darkness. 

You're disturbed by the sound of a twig snapping behind you. You lift your head up and take a deep breath, silently listening. Slowly you stand up, keeping your back to the tree as you look around you. Then you spot him, an unknown man creeping toward you. From his clothes you guess he’s a peasant from the village. 

“Are you alright?” He asks. Something about him sets your nerves on edge. 

“Yes I’m fine” you say quietly, wiping a tear off your cheek 

“Are you from the palace?” He asks, taking a step closer. You nod. “What are you doing out here in the middle of the night?” 

“I could ask you the same thing” you reply

“It’s not safe to be out here alone you know” he takes another step closer “never now who you might meet” 

“You're right, I should head back” you go to leave but he grabs your arm, pulling you back “let go of me!”

“Not until you give me something in return” he pulls a dagger from his pocket

“What do you want from me?” You struggle against him but his grip is tight 

“Whatever you’ve got. Money. Jewellery. Anything that’s worth something. You lot up in your fancy palace have no idea how hard it is to be poor”

“I’m sorry but I don't have anything”

“Then you're no use to me!” He growls, plunging his dagger into your side. You let out a silent gasp. He pulls the dagger back out and you drop to the ground, clutching the wound, feeling the heat of the blood cover your hands.

“Grisha bitch” he spits before running away, disappearing into the darkness. You try to drag yourself back toward the palace but you don't have the energy. You prop yourself up against the base of a tree and wait for the darkness to take you. 

— — — — 

“Fedyor wake up!” Ivan rushes into their room, opening the curtains to let the morning sun stream through “Y/N is missing!”

“What!” Fedyor sits up instantly 

“I went to apologise but she isn’t in her room and her bed hasn’t been slept in. Im really worried Fed. Where is my girl?” He chokes up as tears spring to his eyes.

“Okay calm down. We’ll find her” 

Ten minutes later the boys are heading out the Little Palace, searching the grounds with the help of General Kirigan. 

“Do you have any idea where she could have gone?” The Darkling asks. Ivan shakes his head. 

“I think I might know.” Fedyor announces

The three of the mount their horses and set off towards the woods. Once they enter they slow down as Fedyor explains this is where the two of you come to relax and get away from the Palace when things get too much. Ivan feels his heart sink, knowing that he’s the reason you even need a place to escape to. 

“There!” Fedyor shouts, pointing to your lifeless body laying on the ground. 

 The men jump off their horses and run to your side, Ivan cradling your head in his lap and stroking your face while the Darkling checks your wound. 

“Oh my saints! Y/N, my girl. Please come back to me” Ivan cries

“We need to get her back to the Palace. She needs a healer” The Darkling announces as Ivan picks you up and carries you to his horse. He rides faster than he’s ever ridden to get you there.

“We need a healer! Now!” The General shouts the second he enter the Palace, and instantly multiple healers come running. They follow him as he carries you to your room and lays you down on your bed. 

Ivan and Fedyor watch anxiously as the healers get to work. What feels like hours later they finally finish, turning to address the men.

“She’s stable now.” 

“Thank you, thank you so much!” Ivan lets out tears of relief as Fedyor hugs him.

“We’ll leave you three alone.” The Darkling says, ushering the healers out of the room. “I’m glad she’s okay” he smiles before leaving, shutting the door behind him. 

A few hours later you're eyes finally flutter open. You look around the room confused as to how you got there. You remember the woods. The creepy stranger. Being stabbed. You sit up, lifting your shirt to see now no wound at all. Then you look over and see Fedyor and Ivan asleep at the foot of your bed. You reach over and gently squeeze your father’s hand. He opens his sleepy eyes and when he sees you awake shoots up right, quickly pulling you into a tight hug. Fedyor also wakes up and smiles at you. 

“I’ll leave you two to chat” he says smiling again before leaving. 

Your father sits on the edge of the bed facing you. 

“Y/N. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said what I said last night, I didn’t mean it. I was angry with Fedyor but I shouldn’t have taken it out on you”

“It felt like you meant it”

“I could never be ashamed of you. You are a beautiful, intelligent, strong young woman. I am proud to be your father.” He takes your hand in his “And I am so sorry I made you feel like you had to be someone else just to please me. I always hoped you’d be a Heartrender like me, but I shouldn’t have put that pressure on you. From now on you are free to be the person you want to be.”

“Are you sure I’m not a disappointment?” 

“You could never disappoint me Y/N. You are my daughter and I love you more than anything in the world” he moves to sit next to you and puts his arm around you. You snuggle into him.

“Even more than Fedyor?” You ask playfully

“Even more than Fedyor” 

“Hey I heard that!” Fedyor shouts as he pokes his head back in the room

“We love you too Fedyor!” You shout back, gesturing for him to join you. He sits on the other side of you so you are sandwiches between the two of them. You hold his hand and rest your head on your father’s shoulder. 

You may not have a mother, but you do have two fathers. And you wouldn’t change them for the world. 

Your perfect little family. 

[aphrodite-would-be-proud]

Hi! How are you doing? ^^ ☆

Just wanted to know if you could make a headcanon about how would it be like after an argument with Armin? Please

Tysm for reading me, I love your work ♡♡♡

You're so sweet and nice ♡ of course I'd love to do one and tbh we must be on the same wavelength because i was just thinking about that yesterday!!!

I really liked your idea so imma do both a scenario and a headcanon! Hope you don't mind?

After an argument with Armin

{ Armin x reader | tw: hurt/comfort, self-image issues | angst with happy ending | modern }

{ "Moonlit View" byOscar Kleineh 1846 - 1919 }

Being with Armin had its many, many perks, one being that he's really empathetic and understanding, he doesn't assume things without evidence and knows misunderstandings happen.

When facing problems or disagreements, he thinks of a solution, not argue. He rather you work together against the problem than against each other.

Whenever you were in a bad mood he'd assume the best and think of what might have caused it instead of taking it personally, he knows you still love him, he knows you're just stressed. Maybe comfort could help? Maybe a lovely cuddly evening? Or maybe you need some space?

He's just really good at reading people's emotions and handling these situations, thanks to his efforts you both successfully managed to avoid any kind of arguments or fights most couples go through.

Which is why it was a shocking surprise to everyone when Eren got a call from Armin late at night, asking if he can stay over because you two just had, what he described as, the biggest fight.

Eren almost didn't believe him at first, he thought Armin was playing a prank on him. But then he heard the quivering in his voice and the hiccup that followed. Armin was crying, things were serious.

The last thing he said to you while putting his coat on was "I'm sorry, I'm weak, you and I know that."

Him saying that, in that tone, with those tearful eyes, made you want to get up and yell at him that no he isn't. He shouldn't just say that about himself like it's a fact and not just the results of years of self-doubt.

You wanted to hug him, to pull him closer till all those awful thoughts leave his head, till he sees at himself like how you see him, incredibly brave and determined.

But you didn't, you stayed there on the couch as he put his shoes on. His eyes pleading for you to say something, anything. To tell him to stay, to come sit near you. He even looked at you one last time before opening the door.

As you stared at him in silence, the realisation that you don't even remember what you were fighting about hit you, you can't, how could you? The minute the door closed behind him is when you realised how real the situation is.

How quiet the house is.

Has it always been this cold?

And just how much worried you are about him.

It hasn't been a full minute and you're missing him already.

—

It's 4am

It's hours since he left, how much exactly? You can't even remember.

Still haven't moved from the couch, you're not sure what you're feeling, you've been going through different emotions each hour.

Guilt, sadness, regret, anger, denial, pessimism, you name it.

It doesn't matter, none of that really matters to you right now. It's Armin who you've been worried about for a while that matter.

You know for a fact Eren and Mikasa aren't the most emotionally open people, you know Armin is already struggling with letting out his emotions without feeling needless guilt or shame.

You know he needs someone right now, he needs a shoulder to cry on and a reassuring voice. You've been both these things for him since even before you got together.

Just like he has been these things for you too. You need that someone just as much now. You didn't even know it's possible to feel this lonely.

Is he also thinking about you? Is he sleeping soundly on Eren’s couch? Or is that one stain from last week's party bothering him?

...is he just as miserable as you are right now? Probably not, you think. He's far stronger than he gives himself credit for, you know that better than everyone else.

Your thought process gets interrupted by a buzz from your phone, a text. Your eyes light up, you pull the blanket you dragged from the bed tighter around you, it's Armin.

[ hey ] it said, [is it okay if i call you?]

You reply back, he starts typing again, you stare at those three dots like your life depends on them.

[Okay, give me a minute please ]

You pull the phone closer to you, it's brightness contratsing against the dark living room. Some minutes pass...nothing, you feel your heartbeat rising. Phone still clutched in your hands.

It rings, it doesn't get past the second ring before you've pressed the accept button. You can hear the wind on the other side, alongside the distant sound of passing cars. Your heart only slows down after hearing the fimilar and oh so lovely sound of soft breathing

Suddenly the world doesnt seem so dim anymore.

"Sorry, it took more time than i thought, Eren keeps his keys in really weird places...I hope i didn't make you worry"

Oh If only he knew..

Dozens of possible replies run through your mind.

I missed you, did you miss me too?

Please come back, I hate feeling this lonely.

How does it feel to take my heart and run away?

Was your voice always this captivating or am i just high on sleep-deprevation?

I miss your kisses, i wish i could feel your lips against mine. Could you kiss me through the phone?

...in the end, you settle for "It's okay" you say, "It's alright."

"That's good...hey listen." You listen, "I'm not going to skirt around the subject, i called because" he takes a deep breath, "i want to apologise for how i acted, for what i said, both to you and myself."

Hearing him admit to his faults and own up to his mistakes, fills you with courage to do the same. You apologise, you mention how you've been thinking about him, you leave out the embarrassing parts.

You tell him you love him, and miss him.

You're met with silence. So you call out his name.

"Wait..you're not mad at me?" He says.

What? Mad? You?

"No." You say. "Why would you think that?"

You hear a chuckle that evolves into a laugh, it's contagious.

"Fuck...oh god I'm...im so stupid, i left because I thought you were mad and didn't bother you more by making you look at me." Even he seems to realise just how ridiculous that concept is.

It's 5am now, you're both laughing over the phone. The world is good again.

You ask if he's mad at you.

He instantly replies with a no.

"I could never be mad at you..." he says, "I love you so much it hurts. I love you like I've never loved anyone else before that it terrfies me, I'm scared one day I'll wake up and you won't be beside me anymore, you've made me love myself in ways i never though i would, you made me believe in myself because you believed in me."

{ Headcanons }

After an argument, Armin tries giving both of you space to calm down.

It doesn't last long because he will approach you after and talk about his emotions and explains why he did the things he did. He will also apologise for the things he did wrong like yelling or saying something hurtful.

If you give him the okay, he will instantly hug you. Physical touch is a great comfort for him so don't expect him letting you go anytime soon.

He will hold your face gently, tell you how much he missed you despite it being only hours.

Doesn't even care about the argument anymore or attempt to bring it up, he just wants to make up asap.

You're both gonna have a heartfelt conversation and actually process your emotions together. As a result you two come out stronger and closer after each argument.

He doesn't hold grudges, so he won't ever act passive aggressive after an argument. if he's got a problem he will tell you.

Just 100% honestly and transparency with this golden boy.

Will want to spend more time together post argument, he will really love it if you watch something together or you let him read you something.

Give him love and affaction, he loves you deeply it's actually rare these days.

When you go to sleep on those nights, he will hold you tighter and stroke your back.

He doesn't hold grudges yet he still remembers each fight you had and instead of it being a sour memory, he thinks of it as a learning block. Just a step towards understanding each other more.

Pamper him more after an argument and he will feel so loved, hearts in his eyes as you brush his morning hair.

[just-a-fangirl13]

Thoughts & Theories about MacGyver 5x10 [MacRiley]

HOLY SHIT! 

This episode was absolutely INSANE. Im writing out my thoughts once and for all because I need to stop thinking about everything that happened (I highly doubt I will be able to but here's to trying)

SPOILERS FOR 5x10 OFCOURSE

Straight off the bat, I was screaming *internally* and yelling at Mac when he showed the diamond to Bozer. I suspected it yesterday when we got the snippet of Murdoc saying the words DIAMOND and RING with extra emphasis..(everyone on twitter said I was jumping to conclusions.. I thought so too honestly) But damn I did NOT expect them to actually do that!

Now here's why I am not mad about it anymore. [this is my interpretation you are free to disagree]

Firstly, when Mac told Bozer he was going to propose he didnt say I’m doing it because I love Desi or I want to spend the rest of our lives together or because she’s the one (doesn't mean he doesnt care for her ofcourse)

He said “Ever since I lost my dad & Jack, I have been thinking about the bigger picture and a commitment to make things work is exactly what Desi and I need right now. A grand romantic gesture.” He wanted to propose for stability so he could finally be on the same page with her. They never really defined their relationship before and this was a way for Mac to final bring it together. A grand romantic gesture is usually something people use to win their partners back which is what Mac was trying to do I guess. It almost sounds like he has to do it so he doesn't lose her again 

(ill get to my second reason in the end)

Then ofcourse Bozer tells Riley about it so she can be prepared. Bozer is such a good friend. He is supportive of Mac AND wants to protect Riley. I love him for it! He really is doing everything to be the best friend he can to both of them. (Leannas death was so painful and I just want to hug him but thankfully Riley had that covered.)

Next we get the BIG REVEAL. The moment all of us had been waiting for. 

The moment that SHOOK Angus MacGyver and CHANGED EVERYTHING!

Rileys Feelings!

“You want me to say it out loud? Fine. Yes I had feelings for Mac. There I said it. and yeah watching him and Desi together was breaking my heart so I moved out of his house. I should have said something to him a long time ago but I didn’t and now its over. ”

I had the opposite of a HEART ATTACK! (my heart rate was through THE ROOF!)

I have to say they really really outdid themselves on this reveal. 

SIDE NOTE: If anyone comes for Riley and tries to call her a slut or a home wrecker? You will have me to deal with. Even after Murdoc played the clip of her confession she still tried to deny it and brush it off so it wouldn't complicate things for Mac and Desi. If Riley had wanted, she could have easily told Mac this to his face while he was dating Desi and then let things happen from there but she DIDNT. She kept that secret buried so deep she herself was in denial.

(also if anyone calls Mac a player or anything like that.. I will end you. He is doing his best to deal with everything that has happened to him and people keep giving him shit for it....)

Anyways, we see Mac’s expression & he is just confused and shocked and clearly not trying to think about it because it changed EVERYTHING for him. 

[Murdoc saying I THINK IM ON TEAM RILEY was a HUGE HIGHLIGHT for me! I love him so damn much!]

Desi took it really well too actually. If they keep going down this road of growth and maturity for her I think I could actually like her again. (Russ too when he apologised to Bozer) 

She didnt throw a hissy fit or say I knew it or look at Riley like she was the villain. She focused on the mission & I respect her for that.

(Riley does say, “the next thing you are going to hear on that recording-” and then gets cut off by Desi.. If this will come into play at some point later on or if it was just her trying to explain herself, remains to be seen.)

Then after the climax, we finally hear Riley say the words to Mac in real time and we get our FIRST MacRiley hug of the season! 

At this point I thought they would agree to be friends and make the friendzone thing clear BUT NOPE. (you have no idea how happy I am about it not going down like that!)

I was also a puddle on the floor. SO

“Mac look-”

“You don’t have to say anything if you dont want to. Really.”

“I want to. Last year in Germany. I realised I was starting to have feelings for you. Real feelings. I didnt want to make anything weird between you and Desi. I didnt want to mess up our work or our friendship so I decided to bury it. Until the feelings passed.”

“Emotions aren’t a science. You can’t control them.”

Gosh they are so perfect together! The way they look at each other and the HUG! OH MY GOD THE HUG! Its just perfection.

Now we also see this from Desi’s POV. Again no anger or jealousy from her. I think it was an understanding. She realised that she and Mac were never going to work.. maybe a little pain but honestly everything that went down with her and Mac was her fault too. The lack of trust and understanding was always a problem for them. Sure, things were going well but she didnt seem like she was ready for a commitment if im being honest. If Mac had proposed I think Desi would have said no.(again nothing wrong with that) 

She didnt want to label their relationship..they haven't said the words I love you to each other and I dont think they even live together. It really was way too sudden.(these are just things im assuming people define how well a relationship is going by.. I have no experience.)

Then ofcourse we have what im calling the goodbye scene. Its the break up before the break up in my opinion.

Desi tells Mac that they should pretend the last 24 hours never happened (that might actually include Mac wanting to propose but make of it what you will..) and that they should have a clean slate. But its very clear from Mac’s face and Desi sees it too that he isnt 100% onboard with it. He cant forget about it.

Which is when Desi says “Look Mac just do whatever you feel is right” and Mac looks confused.

She then gives him a goodbye kiss. 

Look if you have ever watched any show/movie before where the characters are saying goodbye to each other or breaking each others hearts...THERE IS ALWAYS A KISS ON THE CHEEK. A final farewell of sorts. 

That is what it seemed like to me. It was Desi telling Mac to do what he has to. Even if it inevitably leads to their break up.

Again real emotional maturity from Desi here!

Then we get the scene, Monica Macer (the show runner) tweeted about back in December.

Mac knocking on someones door. If im being honest? I thought it was Desi’s place and he was going to propose...

BUT it turned out to be Riley’s.

Mac clearly hasn't stopped thinking about what happened. I wouldnt either if my best friend who has put her life on the line for me and trusts me 100%, now has feelings for me? That would turn my world upside down too.

especially if I had feelings for her that I buried so deep that I never acknowledged them.

Also this is my scenario for how their first kiss goes down just FYI.. (Mac showing up at Rileys doorstep and finally confessing his feelings and kissing her *probably won't happen that way now though, but I still love it*)

Mac hesitates for a second before finally knocking on her door.

“Mac? Everything okay?”

“I can’t pretend like the last 24 hours didnt just happen. They did. So I gotta ask. Did it work?”

“Did what work?”

“Hiding your emotions and letting it pass. Did they go away?”

and I proceeded to pass out. My brain just checked out...

Now initially in all my freaking out I thought Mac was asking Riley about his feelings. If HE buried them deep enough would he still be able to move on with Desi but then I rewatched it and I realised he was asking RILEY if her feelings were still there, if there was still a possibility of something ever happening. 

She never told him its all good now! my feelings are gone and it was a long time ago. She told him she buried it but he needed to know if a future with Riley was something tangible. 

BASICALLY ANGUS MACGYVER ASKED RILEY DAVIS IF SHE WAS STILL IN LOVE WITH HIM. *I think I need to go to a hospital now*

So this was my second reason for not being annoyed about the proposal. The writers used it to show what a huge impact it would have on Mac. How much Rileys feelings would actually mean to him. the GAME CHANGER it would be.

A friend of mine said it was kinda funny and a little jarring but I liked it. (I could have done without the proposal) But I understand why they did it. They couldnt have Mac and Desi break up the same day Riley’s feelings came out because then people would hate Mac. They had to make him want to take the next step with Desi but then drop a bomb on him, that would make him question everything.

Again this is what I took away from it.

BUT GOSH WAS THIS EPISODE AMAZING!

I do get that some people are not happy with this and some said it was too sudden *not like we’ve been waiting since season 1 or anything* but I think after 5x11 things will slow down again. Mac may break up with Desi only at the end of the season when he finally comes to terms with his feelings. (Some people are still cautious and I get it but after everything that just happened I find it hard to believe that Mac and Riley won't end up together after all.. not to mention the leaked script conversation between Mac and Riley from 5x15)

Now I dont know how the final scene ends.. they definitely dont get called away for their solo mission immediately after because Mac’s cheek injury is relatively healed in this stills, which means Riley does answer Mac’s question. She may try to avoid it or deflect but he is standing right there so...who knows.

Next weeks episode is a MacRIley solo mission and lets just say things definitely are heating up a bit..*wink wink*

YUP IM HYPED. 

BRING ON THE SEXUAL TENSION AND THE ANGST!

[buckyjamess-archive]

𝓻𝓸𝓼𝓲𝓮 𝓪𝓷𝓭 𝓲 ❁ 𝓫𝓾𝓬𝓴𝔂 𝓫𝓪𝓻𝓷𝓮𝓼

chapter seventeen • a/n: thank the sudden burst of inspiration for these chapters coming out so fast. Feedback is appreciated! • wordcount: 1.5k+ • warnings: kids, parenthood, nothing more?

summary

going through  rough years after losing your husband, you try to raise your daughter the best you can. With the help from the wilson's you make the best of it but the road is bumpy when sam introduces you to his friend.

masterlist

F O U R M O N T H S L A T E R

"I'm running a little late today, so I won't be home in time but I asked Steve to be there to open up–" a heavy sigh "for the love of god, try to be nice buck, that's all I'm asking, okay? Also, can you let me know if you're staying for dinner so I can pick up something extra on my way back– thank you. Okay..bye, love you." 

love you. Bucky never expected to keep hearing those words falling from your lips but he does– after every call, every voicemail, every goodbye and see you soon. It makes him smile yet he doesn't deserve those two words. 

you had assured him that morning after that you would always love him no matter what; that he's still the father of yet another gift in your life. The best months of your life after a shit show of years prior– you'd always love Bucky even if he broke your heart in a million pieces, he seemed to be the only one to put it back together..or steve. Steve did a pretty good job of glueing shattered parts of your heart back together.

It angered bucky. Coincidentally; Steve rogers marriage came to an end not two weeks after you'd moved into your own little place with the kids and for a split second Bucky had wondered if nothing ever happened between you and Steve during the time he suspected something. But he believed you. Nothing had happened, never and though Bucky still had to get used to Steve being around more and more each day, he knew he could trust the blonde. 

You seem happy with Steve and unlike you and him, things between Steve went slow, taking time. No moving in three weeks after or by each other's side everyday and you certainly didn't let the man straight into Rosie and JJ's life.

A break..of sorts and maybe he'd gotten his hopes up and believed it actually could get better with time; get back together and be that little family again but as time passed by, it became all too clear– you really didn't plan on getting with him again and Bucky couldn't even blame you.

But you still let him into your life, let him be a part of your life. A part of Rosie's life..of JJ. You let Rosie stay with him whenever she wanted to, let her stay the night or a couple of days until the girl wanted to get back home again. Got to see his son nearly everyday and have him all weekends. 'I'd never take away your kids, buck'

Invitations to stay for dinner or spend the evening or to tag along with one of your day outs– all too eager to spend all the time he could with what once was his family,  even if it meant spending time with Steve.

You still took care of bucky, you still loved bucky because the man who broke your heart made you believe in love again, pulled you out of your shell after years of wanting to be alone. Took care of you during your darkest days, stayed by your side when you needed him the most. Gave Rosie a father figure she never had the opportunity to get, gave you another little soul to take care of. Bucky Barnes stole, bruised and broke your heart and till this day manages to glue it back together. 

It took you a while to forgive him, you're still not sure if you actually have. With the loan you got from your new part time job at the store around the corner, you managed to get yourself a small two bedroom apartment not too far away from bucky– following most classes from your new study online and still being able to be there for your babies; if you were being honest, life was good. 

The family wilson being back in your life being the icing on the cake. Sam being to eager to apologise for everything he'd said and done although 'I told you so'– first flight to Brooklyn and before you knew it the family stood in your apartment, unpacked boxes and painted rooms as if their lives depended on it; be there for you like they were after riley– family. Hailey even spent the better part of her summer in Brooklyn by your side to catch up while in all honesty, she got tired of her dad and needed some time alone.

Life was surprisingly good after everything.

"Dad?" 

Snapping out of his daydream, Bucky looks up and meets the eyes of the little girl in the rear view mirror. The braid bucky had managed to braid that morning an untangled mess, hanging from her shoulder. Left overs of a chocolate cookie still visible on the corner of her mouth. Yellow shirt covered in dirt, paint and what else she'd been playing in and with at school.

Bucky hums and types a quick text to you, telling you he'd stay over for dinner "What's up?" 

"Can alpine come with me sometime?" Rosie asks seriously, a hint of hope in her voice. 

"I wish he could sweetheart but mom's not allowed to have any pets," Bucky chuckles "He misses mommy, right?" 

"I don't know, he can't talk silly." 

"Really then why does alpine talk to me every night?" Bucky quips back "he tells me how you steal the last cookies from the cookie jar." 

"That was JJ– when are mommy, me and JJ coming back home, I want my own bedroom again." 

Bucky clears his throat and quickly gazes to the little boy fast asleep in his carpet on the backseat and back to Rosie, Bucky swallows the lump in his throat. 

You tried to explain it all but the 4 year old never seemed to be able to understand any of it; the two times Christmas, two birthdays not working.

"I don't know princess," Bucky admits "whenever mommy is ready." 

which is never

Heavy footsteps echo against the grey stone walls of the short hallway,  doors with small white numbers glued onto the wood– Steve isn't much taller or shorter, maybe a bit broader but nothing to be afraid of and yet bucky finds himself tiny next to the man, intimidated to say the least- black leather jacket over a simple grey shirt clung around his biceps, long legs...intimidating but with the softest facial features, christ bucky didn't have any reason to feel this way around someone You deemed important. 

If anything, Steve was as awkward as him.

Twirling around the hallway, her pink and purple colored bag bouncing up and down her back and her messy braid flying through the air, Rosie stills at the sight of the men walking their way 

"You're late." 

"I know, kid," Steve chuckles lowly "tried to be faster." 

"Well, you should be faster next time." Rosie simply states. 

Steve nods his head towards bucky with a slight smile which bucky returns and without another word, Steve twirls the keys out of his pocket and unlocks the door with the faint 9 on it. 

Rosie storms in, nearly tripping over her own feet as she pulls her backpack off and throws it in the corner with all other shoes, bags and umbrellas. 

The man nods again as Bucky pushes the stroller with JJ through the door. The familiar smell of you lingering in the air and fills his nostrils. He ignores the footsteps behind him. Bucky pushes his son further into the kitchen where he picks JJ out and sets the little man on the floor. Bucky's not even able to say another word, his son zooming off on all fours, going straight to the box filled with toys near the couch in the living room. 

"I was told to hand you the keys." Bucky's eyes shoot up to Steve, your keys dangling between his thumb and index finger– Steve clears his throat. 

Casually folding the stroller back before standing up straight, bucky nods and holds his hand out. 

Your keys, not Steve's. Great, he's not at that base yet.

"y/n asked if you wanted to bathe the kids," Steve clears his throat once again and shifts his weight from one foot to the other "so she can start with dinner when she's back." 

"Yeah, sure." Bucky mumbles almost inaudibly, calm and collected, through his stomach drops as Steve nods and strides his way to your bedroom and comes back out with a black overnight bag hanging from his shoulder; rogers printed on the fabric. 

so, he's at that base already

"So, yeah– I should head back out. Work and all." Steve breathes out a laugh. 

Placing both hands on his sides, Steve looks back to the living room where Rosie and JJ crawled and played around the coffee table. 

"Bye rosie," Steve waves awkwardly and with no answer back, he looks back at bucky with a slight smile and nervous chuckle "kids, right." 

"Yeah," Bucky deadpans, not batting an eye at the men in front of him "kids." 

Bucky doesn't have the right to feel jealous, he screwed things up and not you but he still loves you with all his heart and he'll be damned if he didn't at least try to gain back your trust and maybe even woo you back in his life– Steve stands in the way of just that.

Taglist: @farfromshawn @Nicollettemarie @wooya1224 @felicityofbakerstreet @agentmstark @sierrax023 @lilyevanswhore @qhbr2013 @buckybarnesobsessed @themaddies-obx @aloserwithoutacause @aanngie @sebby-staan @sweetth1ng @starrystarkey93 @libidinexx @dontputyourfckingdrinkonmytable @gasly-kvyat @brown-bi-beautiful @peter-laufeyson @im-squished @meshlababy @lindseyrae20 @cb97skies @qwccrr @ssprayberrythings @yougottalovefandoms @jbcalway @realgaytrash @natyvwe @poetryazenth @winterberryfox @ahahafudge @okiegirl24 @0moondoodler0 @why-wait-4-eventually

[firstknightss]

GWAINCELOT ESSAY THREE???

[commentary voice] ah yes and this gwaincelot essay.... which turned into a fic was inspired by @nextstopparis and @little-ligi

GWAINE TEACHING LANCELOT HOW TO READ. and thats how they actually CONFESS.

imagine gwaine seeing lancelot trip up reading leon’s plan for the day, seeing him trying to understand it. and gwaines, hes a little in love. Hes. Hes a little hit with feelings for this Noble (tm) knight. So OF COURSE he CANT EMOTION and he tries to show his affection for lancelot without yknow being in ‘loVE’

he comes over with his swishy hair and bantery tone like “oooOhHh LANCELOT! Lancey! Hey! Hello! Can’t read leon’s goddamn awful handwriting huh?”

And Lancelots embarrassed and flushes red and gwaine thinks hes Fucked Up (and he really doesn’t want to fuck this up, this is the first time he’s actually felt emotions this deep for someone) and tries to fix it panickedly, like the Anxiety Clown He Is.

He keeps on saying sorry and apologising, and Lancelot, the EVER CALM KNIGHT GUY, goes “it’s fine, it’s okay. It’s nothing to do with you...” and then he hesitates. He HESITATES. “....it’s just that...” and then he BITES HIS LIP and gwaine thinks he might just faint there and then, “...i cant read.”

and now it hits him, gwaine, gwaine, who thought literacy was something trash and something he didn’t really need, realises how important it is. and so, yknow because hes kind of wrapped in those Emotions (tm), he pulls lancelot’s sleeve after practice, when they’re alone in the changing room. (and if lancelot wasn’t so tired and miserable, he would have easily seen gwaine BLUSH)

And he, shyly asks if lancelot wouldnt mind being tutored by him.

Now Lancelot is OVERJOYED, and he’s borderline CRYING because lancelot, poor old village boy lancelot who’d been kicked out of the knights of camelot, and had to become a MERCENARY and fight for masters who didn’t care for him, has NEVER HAD someone literally CARE about him so much. (Apart from Merlin. He loves merlin <3)

so now imagine lancelot waking up an hour early the next morning, and showing up into gwaine’s room. He knows gwaine literally doesnt sleep with a lock, so he just barges in, and starts shaking gwaine.

Now GWAINE sleeps like a Log (had so much shit going on irl, time to sleep it away) and when he opens his bleary eyes, seeing lancelot in one of his stupid v neck shirts over him, hes like “....h...helo??”

and lancelot’s all like. “We- werent YOU gonna give me reading lessons.” And gwaine nods, yawning (and in that moment lancelot thinks gwaine looks unimaginably cute, so cute that he wants to literally ruffle gwaine’s hair and run his hands through how silky and brown it is.)

THEN gwaine pulls on the dont care-ish mask, and makes his arms into a pillow under his head, as he leans against the wall behind his bed, in some kind of somewhat???flirty??? manner??? [i dont...i dont know what hes trying to do. On the other hand! Not does Lancelot :) ]

Lancelot, does not realise this is gwaine’s poor attempt at flirting - since he’s seen gwaine ACTUALLY flirting and this is like. Nothing. And its also poorly executed. Which is NOTHING like gwaine.

So he pulls gwaine’s arm, and half hauls him out of bed.

As gwaine’s head crashes into lancelot’s stomach, he can smell lancelot’s clothes. They smell of flowers, and cotton and everything so natural and gwaine, who literally smells of wine, and wood and Tavern. (And aftershave, or the 500AD equivalent)

[see here, see im trying to bring themes of dionysis okay. OkayyyyyyyyY. yours truly likes looking at greek mythology. And both these two complete dionysis]

Gwaine, in his sleepy stupor, nestles his head on Lancelot’s hip, who gives a sigh and stands there. One hand clutching gwaine’s, leaving the other free.....

....to rake through his soft, flowy brown hair. And twirl his fingers through its waves, and Gwaine cuddles in further.

And since Lancelot left the door open, Leon (the other bitch who wakes up at 4am to do idk nothing) sees them two...like that, illuminated by the SUNLIGHT behind them, and smiles a little.

And then he trips over the stairs, the moment is lost.

Gwaine and Lancelot pull away at the same time, and gwaine’s face turns back to “ha ha im a Jerk (tm)” and if he wasnt too busy trying to hide how flustered he was, he’d see Lancelot looking at him the way he used to look at GWEN.

They both blink and look at each other, understandingly, neither of them to speak of this again.

And then Gwaine drags himself out of bed, and Lancelot raises his eyebrows as he watches him (totally not checking him out) haul out a book from his cupboard.

Gwaine’s too sleepy for this, he keeps yawning and rubbing his eyes (looking like a cat, Lancelot notes) and Lancelot takes a deep breath, his eyes understanding.

“We don’t have to do this if you don’t want to.”

“Lancelot, I love..” he bites his tongue, cursing his half asleep mind “..doing this, and love hanging out with you...I just cant stay up this early.”

Reading lessons, from now on, are at 1:30am-whenever Gwaine and Lancelot stop rambling about Odysseus and Circe and Telemachus

[i dont know any other ancient books apart from like. Ancient greek/Roman ones. So i guess. Its not historically accurate,,,,BUUIT this is a fanfic for a pair who had like no scenes together SO i think i can take some ✨creative liberties✨]

Lancelot has heard of the journey of Aneas from travelling bards, singing songs in his native old english. Gwaine’s eyes are quick at latin, and he learnt the flaws of Romulus and Remus in his pure latin. Gwaine’s a good teacher, and lancelot is a quick study, and it’s not long before they’re arguing over which Goddess caused the most harm in the Illiad.

Gwaine’s never met someone who he could reveal that he loved reading to, he loved doing.

Lancelot’s never met someone who he could tell he couldn’t read, and ask if they could teach him, love learning.

They make it work.

The other knights notice, of course they notice. Percival notices how Lancelot stumbles into the Gwaine’s room at night, bright eyed. Elyan notices Lancelot and Gwaine’s voices from Gwaine’s room opposite him; sometimes slow, Gwaine speaking slowly and Lancelot following; sometimes heated and passionate.

(They’re arguing. They’re arguing about how to pronounce Minerva)

Merlin finds the two, in the early hours of the morning - when the birds are figuring what song they sing today - on Gwaine’s bed.

Gwaine leaned against the bedframe, his trousered legs splayed over the sheets. Loosely braided, long brown hair fell over his closed eyelids, his mouth in a small smile.

And Merlin follows his arm draped over Lancelot, snuggled beside him, his head on his broad shoulder, every breath of wind pushing against curly black hair, making it almost /bounce/. His eyes are covered by the other man’s hair, and he looks...content. More content than Merlin has ever seen him.

He slips out as quietly as he came in, and smirks, hes gotta tell arthur they finally got their shit together oh GOD

Its no surprise to anyone but them, when Arthur pulls Lancelot out of training, and into his chambers.

“I’m glad you’ve found someone Lancelot.” He starts, his face geniune, his voice giving away hints of relief. (He thought he was never going to see his knight smile again after all the ordeals that had happened to him)

“Oh...” Lancelot’s heart sinks, “...how did you find out, Sire?”

Arthur blinks, taking in the change of mood in Lancelot, maybe it wasn’t anything important, maybe they were trying to keep it casual, hell they didnt want the king knowing.

“I- uh, I just noticed...” Goddamnit Merlin, and Goddamn his need to tell him everything he saw. (Merlin had advised him not to do this, as they sat on his bed after a long night. This was really his fault.)

Lancelot pales, and he places his hands down on the table beside him, palms slapping stone as he did so.

“Well, I guess I should tell you the whole truth then,” his voice is quiet, and Arthur steps closer, “Sire I am not of Noble birth, and was born in a village - as you know.”

Arthur nods, his arms crossed, but his Kingly Bravado fell away at the sight of his knight, and one of his closest friends, being this vulnerable.

“Yes I know, but what does this ha-“

“And we children in the village we-“ he falters, “-we were never taught to read.”

“Yes, no I understand, I-“ he pauses, Lancelot’s words hitting him a bit too late, this was about literacy?

This, this whole conversation was about literacy?

Not being gay?

Merlin was going to have a field day

“Sire?”

“I understand Lancelot, and is this why you feel a little out of place with the other knights?” He carries it on, with a smile, he has a few questions to ask merlin.

“Yes, and that’s why I asked Gwaine to tutor me from time to time, although, the sessions carry through late into the night, which may have been affecting my performance at practice. I’ll have you know that this is a temporary th-“

“It’s fine Lancelot,” Arthur places a hand on his shoulder, “You are still exceptional at practice,”

“Thank you Sire,” Lancelot twinkles.

✨

“Theyre, theyre not together?” Merlin cant stop laughing, tears streaming down his face, “theyre not TOGETHER?? oh my God arthur what did you DO”

They sit together on Arthur’s bed, drinking wine from stemless cups together, with Arthur recounting the events of the day; red faced.

“I mean, it was your idea Merlin.”

“I just saw them, and I assumed...I didnt...I didnt think youd ASK them.”

“What do you think I’d do then?? Let them be on their merry way.”

“Yes!”

✨

“Do you like me?” Gwaine asks, unexpectedly, one night, the moon vibrant against the loud sea.

“You’re...tolerable...” Lancelot says, a smile tugging at his lips, as the silver moonlight falls against his hair, a halo around him.

✨

The knights give them the look every morning, as the two of them stumbled out of the same room, more frequently than ever.

Sometimes Lancelot would throw on Gwaine’s shirt, when he’d crumpled his own beyond repair. Sometimes Gwaine would put some of Lancelot’s hair oil on, when his hair was frizzy.

They gave each other knowing looks when Gwaine and Lancelot started whispering and giggling like a bunch of schoolgirls.

✨

And then Stupid gwaine had to go get fucking stabbed, and their delicate dance was like trying to waltz through a minefield.

Lancelot clutches onto Gwaine’s arm as Merlin feels his forehead with shaking hands.

“He’s burning up.”

“Infection...?” Lancelot sounds broken, and nods, fumbling with his pack to find some bandages.

It was just a simple quest; a save the day, get the girl, do various harmless shenanigans type of quest.

He’d half expected Gwaine to get the girl, and he cant help but give out a half choked laugh. Gwaine had no idea what hit him when she turned out to be the evil one all along.

He tries to forget that Gwaine showed no interest in her, he tries to forget that Gwaine’s been less frequent at the Tavern, he tries to forget that he hasn’t seen Gwaine with anyone since months now.

Gwaine, his beautiful Gwaine was lying on his lap, hot red blood rushing from his side, staining his polished chainmail with dark, sticky blood.

He’s been out for nearly an hour now, and Lancelot remembers carrying him, through the entire forest, forgetting his sword and his helmet and just grabbing Gwaine and getting the shit out of there.

Gwaine’s lack of self preservation was really rubbing off on Lancelot nowadays.

Merlin watches as Lancelot holds back tears, his own eyes stinging. Gwaine can’t die like this, he can’t die like this....

“hælan beorn adl”

Merlin’s eyes flashed gold, and Lancelot could feel warmth coming back into the fingers he was grabbing.

He was coming back.

And then the weight of everything hits him.

He was in Fucking Love.

✨

“Hey.” Gwaine’s voice is rough from disuse, but Lancelot nearly sobs when he hears the voice.

“Don’t fucking do that to me again, amor meus.” He puts his head down on Gwaine’s chest; finding the hammering of his heart calming.

He shimmies onto Merlin’s bed, which Gwaine had been lying in for the past few days.

“Did you mean, ami meus?” Gwaine sounds tired, too tired to be awake.

“Huh? Did i say something else?” Lancelot decides to play dumb, a sparkle in his eyes,

“I thought I heard amor meus,” Gwaine pushes his nose into Lancelot’s hair, taking in the wonderful smell of coconut.

“Well then, at least your hearing’s okay, amor meus.”

Gwaine gulped, and was sure Lancelot could hear his loud swallow.

“Lancelot, I hope this isnt a big joke with me teachin you latin and all,” Gwaine’s voice is a little wobbly from the slee deprivation and the magic and the pain numbers, “because I’ll have you know that I really love you, and I cant go on like this any longer,”

“Its okay Gwaine, I learnt latin from the man I love, of course it’s not a joke.”

“The man you love? Who’s tha-“

Realisation hits him like a brick.

Oh.

Oh.

“Me?” His voice cracks, and Lancelot looks up, a smirk on his face.

“Of course dumbass.”

“Like I’m meant to know that,” Gwaine tries to keep his dont care-ish aura, but they both know he’s too exhausted to keep that up.

“mmm?”

Gwaine kisses him on the nose, and he wraps himself around him.

And thats how Merlin finds them later that day, eyes blinking as he stood there.

✨

“I’m glad you’ve found someone, Lancelot.” Arthur coughs.

“Is that what that whole talk was about???”

“Answer the question.” His words sound harsh, but he’s barely hiding a smile.

“I’m glad too, I’m Glad I found Gwaine too.” Lancelot blushes, turning to gwaine.

“Why are you asking anyway, Princess?”

“Oh just, making sure this time.”

[forthisone]

Shadow and Bone Trilogy Book Review

Long, rambling, sometimes-capslock thoughts on the Shadow and Bone trilogy, having just a couple of hours ago finished reading the trilogy of Shadow and Bone, Seige and Storm and Ruin and Rising.

MALYEN ORETSEV IS TOO PURE FOR THIS WORLD AND I WILL DIE ON THIS HILL.

Fair warning: Major spoilers for the whole series and ending, entire focus on Mal/Alina 😅 I apologise for nothing.

I THINK THIS MIGHT BE THE FIRST TIME I’VE EXPERIENCED A SHIP I REALLY LOVE HAVE A HAPPY ENDING. Hooooooly shit. It feels good.

😭😭😭

Leigh Bardugo really served up everything I want to see! Give me all the tropes! All the angst! All the longing! AND with a happy ending?! *chef’s kiss*

I’m shook.

It feels amazing that for once in my life, something I ship has finally finished front and centre and I am absolutely here for it!

So let’s first clarify that I went in to the books just after finishing S1 of the Netflix show, already head over heels in love with Mal/Alina and rooting for them the whole way through. They are the reason I read the books. In the stories that I enjoy, I value love above all other aspects of the story; it’s just who I am.

The Pain of Siege and Storm

I admit, about 50% of this trilogy and the majority of Book 2 and early Book 3 was me in pain just wondering why they couldn’t be together and why they kept pushing each other away. Book 2 was an emotional rollercoaster ngl. I was frustrated that they spent so much time being miserable around eachother but were never allowed to be happy or give in to their feelings? They are best friends. Mal wants to support her. LET HIM SUPPORT HER. Let her confide in him and find comfort in him.

Endgame? Not Endgame?

This went on in a similar vein for some time and towards the end of Book 3, I was getting increasingly worried they weren’t endgame and this was indeed all leading up to Mal ultimately sacrificing himself... which obviously did happen...

But when Alina says “Bring him back to me.”, I just thought “THANK YOU. VINDICATION. THIS IS WHAT HAPPINESS FEELS LIKE.” and I knew we were home and dry and my god it felt good.

But I was so happy with the ending. It’s exactly what I wanted to happen, though I didn’t expect it... AND THEN IT HAPPENED. For them to go back to how they were and live the rest of their days in quiet happiness. Neither of them asked for this. They just belonged with eachother.

The last line of the book:

They had an ordinary life, full of ordinary things - if love can ever be called that.

HAPPY SIGH. YES.

More on this below.

People hate Mal?!?

I... don’t understand why so many fans apparently don’t like Mal. ?!?!????!? I had heard this before reading and went in to the books with trepidation. I was waiting for him to do something awful to justify the hate and... it just never happened. Is it just the way he behaves in Siege and Storm? Because I do accept he is slightly more problematic in the books than the show but Y’ALL KNOW HE WAS ONLY IN THAT PIT OF DESPAIR BECAUSE HE FELT LIKE HE WAS LOSING HER. She never really reassured him that much, if anything she confirmed his fears (from his pov anyway). And he was right to doubt her, because she was doubting her feelings too in secret, and he could feel it.

BUT. But he accepts it in Ruin and Rising. He grows into it. He accepts they can’t be together as they are. And he still stays, only to protect her, to keep her safe. He never asks for more than that. “You are my flag. You are my nation.” Roast me over a slow fire.

You will never, ever convince me not to root for the childhood best friend who loves her unconditionally and knows her better than anyone else and will die for her and will spend the rest of his days just being close to her, to protect her, even if that’s all he ever gets. This is the hill I will die on.

And then she comes back to him. 🤧🤧🤧

The Love Square

So, in terms of love interests for Alina:

Mal >>> Nikolai >>>>>>>>>>>>> Darkling

Wasn’t a fan of the love square here. I understand if she has feelings for different people, I respect everyone’s right to ship what they want, but I honestly had whiplash. One second she’s “in physical pain” missing Mal, next she is “drawn to” the Darkling, then wants to kiss Nikolai. I’m extremely monogamous and that’s probably why all this chopping and changing just felt really jarring to me.

I liked Nikolai as a character but I valued their friendship and I just wanted their relationship to remain platonic. I’m happy with how his storyline ended too. I hope he’s okay!

Mainly I did not understand why she was still drawn to the Darkling after all the loved ones he slaughtered in front of her. Fuck him, honestly (Ben Barnes I still love you though).

But this line near the end kind of summed it up for me, I guess:

Merzost. Darkness. You could hate it and hunger for it at the same time.

But I no longer care about any of this because my ship was endgame, baby! 😭😭😭

The Finale

I am glad Mal become more “important” in the end. That there was a magical bond between them. (I feel a little dumb I didn’t see it coming that he was an amplifier, because I did clock on to the jolts of light that happened when he grabbed her wrist and thought it was foreshadowing something).

I like even more that they agreed they would have found each other despite it.

“Maybe that brought us together, but it didn’t make us who we are. It didn’t make you the girl who could get me to laugh when I had nothing. It sure as hell didn’t make me the idiot that took that for granted. Whatever there is between us, we forged it. It belongs to us."

I was waiting for the scene in the conservatory the entire time and it was so perfect! Worth the wait! I can’t wait to see the aesthetics of it in the show. The flowers, the greenery... the lanterns. It was so pretty in my head!

I could pretend I wasn’t a saviour or a Saint, that I could simply choose him, have a life, be in love. That we wouldn’t have one night, we would have thousands.

It was a perfect ending for me really because I got both the angsty hero-sacrifices-himself-for-protagonist-and-greater-good scene AND the happy ending. I’ve honestly been spoilt 😂 My shipper heart has never been so satisfied.

The actual plot of the ending was a complete blur and I have no idea what happened other than Alina lost her power and the Darkling died and... some other people became light summoners? I think? I was so focused on whether Mal would live or not I couldn’t really process the rest! I will have to reread.

It’s a shame that Alina no longer has her power and that Mal lost some of his tracking skill in the end, but... I’ll take it for a happy ending where they spend the rest of their lives together as equals. It’s not like Mal stole her power from her. They both made sacrifices and in the end, they still won.

The shrieks of the volcra erupted around me as the Fold began to unravel. It was a miracle. And I didn’t care. The Saints could keep their miracles. The Grisha could keep their long lives and their lessons. Mal was dead.

I love that most of the book is all about her feeling the pull of her powers, feeling changed by it, drifting from Mal… but in the end, when it’s all done and over, she doesn’t care. She wants none of it. She chooses him. She wants him back. This is what I was waiting the whole series to read, honestly. Love conquers all, baby.

I just love that there were all these passages about their love not being possible because “they weren’t the same people any more” and the boy and girl from the orphanage were gone... and yet, it ends with the boy and the girl at the orphanage. Just like how it started. It's so obvious to me now that the whole story was about THE BOY AND THE GIRL. Every Before and After. It was right there all along.

THANK YOU, LEIGH BARDUGO.

My soul can now die happy.

I thought it was a really beautiful story.

Would happily reread. Will happily reread.

Im definitely going to continue with the other Grishaverse books too.

Can’t wait for more of the show because I’m honestly in love with the casting and this pairing and this series. Please, please, God, let it be renewed, and with the same cast, and covering the whole trilogy!

[accio-draco]

twist of fate | thirteen

in which y/n is in the same situation as draco

Summary: Like Draco, Y/N is forced to become a young Death-Eater and the Dark Lord gives her a job to do. Sixth year, slow burn, kinda enemies to lovers.

Word count: ~1k

Warnings: n/a

A couple of pages turned into a couple more. Y/N was so lost in Draco's neat scrawl that she hadn't heard him come into the Room of Requirement.

"Y/N?" Draco asked.

Snapping the journal closed, Y/N whirled around. "You scared the shit out of me." Draco eyed up the book in Y/N's hands. He raised his eyebrows at her. "I'm sorry, I found it here. I didn't mean to pry..." She apologised.

"It's okay," Draco said. "It'll tell you more than I can anyway. Just give it back when you're done."

Y/N held out the book. "Here."

Draco's hand brushed against hers as he took back his journal.

The pair stood there opposite each other, neither able to look the other in the eye. After everything Y/N has read in the journal, she had no idea what to say to Draco. As for Draco, he knew everything he wanted to say but couldn't bring himself to say the words.

"I have one thing to say," Y/N said after clearing her throat. "I understand if you hate me for telling Harry, but I want you to know that I'm fighting for a world where if we get married, it's because we love each other. Not because we have to."

"I don't hate you. I understand you're doing the right thing, and I'm sorry that I'm not as brave as you." Draco said.

Y/N shook her head. "It's not about bravery, Draco. It's that I have nothing left to lose. I lost my mother, my family, my freedom and myself."

Deep down, Draco knew she was right. If it weren't for the safety of his family, he wouldn't hesitate to join Y/N. But he couldn't, if they got caught, Draco's punishment would be to watch his mother and father suffer and die. He would likely be left alive, it would be more painful than death.

"So what happens for us?" Draco asked, although he could already guess the answer.

Y/N shrugged. "I don't know, really. As if things weren't already complicated enough. I'd like to be friends, but I suppose that's out of the question."

"Why?"

"We're on different sides now, Draco."

When Y/N put it like that, Draco realised just how right she was.

"Well, not necessarily," Draco explained. "It's not my fault if I don't know your allegiance has changed and still pass on information like, I don't know, when the Death-Eaters plan to enter Hogwarts."

"I wouldn't ask you to do that, Draco. That's a massive risk, Voldemort could find out."

"Like I said, I don't know your allegiance has changed." Draco felt it was the least he could do. It was his way of helping Y/N without risking his family. "Look, I'm sorry about the other night. I didn't mean any of it, I was just angry and sometimes I lose control."

"I know, Draco, it's okay," Y/N reassured. "Look, I have a lot to think about, and so do you. Let's just go to bad and we'll figure this out later."

-

Harry sat across the room from Y/N, watching her paying attention to the professor addressing the class. Despite Draco's behaviour the other day, he had yet to see Y/N interact with Draco in any way. So far, not so much as a glance in his direction.

Knowing Y/N, whose father is a Death-Eater, is now one too, it was highly likely that Draco was as well. Which means they would know each other, at the very least. But there was no acknowledgement on Y/N's part.

However, when Harry decided to swallow his pride and look at Draco, he saw a different story. Draco watched Y/N from the corner of his eye, so subtle that Harry might not have noticed if he wasn't looking for it. Draco looked at Y/N the way Harry looked at Ginny, the way you look at someone you love but can't have.

But there was no way. No way that Draco was in love with Y/N. Someone like Draco surely wasn't capable of love.

When the class was over, Harry darted off after Draco, leaving Ron and Hermione behind. He followed behind Draco through the corridors, not bothering to be subtle.

Draco, aware he was being followed, led them to a secluded alcove, away from prying eyes.

"Why are you following me, Potter?" Draco hissed, his hatred for Harry had never been higher after he and Y/N had been getting closer.

The two boys stood with a good distance between them facing each other. The alcove was cold and damp, but at least here no one would see or hear them.

"I wanted to talk," Harry said.

Draco gave Harry a look as if to say he doesn't believe him.

"Does Y/N know you're in love with her?" Harry asked.

Draco showed no emotion externally, but internally his stomach dropped. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"I think you do." Harry insisted. "I've seen the way you look at her. I couldn't help but notice she doesn't look at you the same way. Or, at all, actually."

Rage flared up inside Draco, but he was determined to control his emotions, to prove he could be a good person. "You don't know as much as you think you do, Potter. I suggest you keep your nose out of where it doesn't belong."

"Maybe I don't know as much as I think I do, but I'll tell you something I do know," Harry challenged. "You're not good for her. She's trying to do the right thing, and you're always going to be the bad guy. I suggest, if you really care about her, that you leave her alone. Or you will be the death of her."

Harry walked away, leaving his words in the alcove with Draco.

TAGLIST:

​ @detroitobsessed​ @justcallmesams​ @pointlesscoconut​ @dollyclawzz @tedpicklez​ @alluringshawn​ @the-ravenswritingdesk​ @milaonthemoon​ @koc-help​ @bbeauttyybbx​ @cutie1365​ @justmimithings​ @haphazardhufflepuff​ @thescentifollow​ @sadgirlnumber92899​ @westerlies-winds @heypeople2​ @thescarletknight2014​ @prongsandprancer​ @apollonshootafar​ @im-totally-not-dezi​ 

[littlebigafterdark]

patton's asthma attack and finally agreeing to try therapy

content warnings: hurt/comfort, detailed description of asthma attack, very brief mention of past eating disorder, crying (i always hav that tho)

i copy pasted this from mine and livs discord convo so thats why it might be formatted weird and i swear a lot also if you see "hhh yeah" then thats liv commenting hshshsh

patton has had a cough the past few days because BASICALY since priscilla (remys cat) visited hes been more breathless with his asthma but he didnt tell anyone bc he doesnt want to worry them or make it so vee never get to see priscilla again if she cant visit anymore

so his asthma is acting up but he ignores it - and hes had asthma cough for a couple days (which is a sign of an incoming asthma attack) but again hes ignoring it, hes so used to brushing off symptoms he doesnt click what it means and he diesn ttake his inhaler when he needs it

WAAAHH oh fuck oh my god oh god wait fuck i just realised

the moment patton gets his asthma attack its saturday afternoon, roman is little and playing with logan and vee isnt quite little yet but fae's on faer way there, fae is very giggly and playful and patton says "okay babygirl, lets go get you changed!"

and when he gets up from the couch he takes a moment to cough and just stand still a sec bc he got suddenly dizzy but he pushed through it to not worry vee, and he actually usually lifts her onto his hip straight away, but this time he very subtly is like "okay hold daddys hand while we walk to the stairs"

so they get to the stairs and patton of course lifts vee up, and theyre only a few steps up when pattons breathing gets really heavy. it makes vee frown and look at him and say "daddy am i heavy?"

and patton smiles and shakes his head, because hes too breathless to speak. but he pushes through and hurries up as fast as possible

once theyre at the top of the stairs, patton is wheezing. his chest is rattling and whistling and he suddenly loses his smile and quickly hurries away from the stairs to place vee gently on the hallway floor, and as soon as vee is safe patton wobbily sinks to his knees and leans his head against the wall. his eyes shut tight trying so so hard to breath but its realy whistly now

and vee of course panics. "dady? papa are you okay??" and whimpers when patton doesnt react and clutches at his chest

and it throws her out of her semi regression. she jumps up and hurries downstairs, a little wobbily but ultimately fine. and she speints to where logan and riman are and yells "daddys h havin a panic attack!" and instantly starts crying

logan and roman were in the middle of a game and smiling and laughing but as SOON as they hear that they jump into action. logan runs out of the room to go to patton and roman grows up and runs to vee and lifts her up to shush her cries and calm her down - they dont even share a single look before they do this, they both just instinctively know what to do

and logan of course finds patton and realises its an asthma attack not a panic attack - he goes into his emergency like emotionless mode where he just gets the job done. he asks clearly where patton keeps his inhaler and patton just shakes his head. so logan alarmed asks "you dont have a reliever inhaler??" and patton winces and shakes his head again.

logan sprints to his room into his bedside drawer to find tthe inhaler he keeps for emergencies double checking it hasnt expired

he sits with his legs around patton, patton leaned back agains his torso, and puffs pattons inhaler for him and times the attack and the puffs (knowing that if it isnt better after ten puffs and fifteen minutes they have to call an ambulance) and using his own deep breaths against pats back to help him recalibrate his breathing

luckily it only lasts 8 and a half minutes and 8 puffs - but logan is so so shaken about the fact that that was very close to requiring medical assistance, he had his ohone out ready to dial 911

once pattons attack is over he's finally breathing, short and deep at first gasping in the oxygen, but within a few more minutes of sitting against logan it slows down and is much calmer. hes very shaky because the reliever inhaler does that to you, and weak from the tax on his body, so logan helps him up into their nearest bedroom (pattons)

at first he calls roman to swap places with him and watch over patton hust so logan can change vee into a diaper since she regressed from fear as soon as roman picked her up and obv he cant change her diaper

so roman sits with patton while logan does that and roman is actually really quiet and awkward and nervous, just looking wide eyed at patton and hugging himself.

and patton feels bad abt that and whispers "its okay little prince, daddys not hurt. im sorry for scaring you, honey" and roman just chews his lip and nods and looks down and they dont talk again until logan is back and roman goes out to take care of vee and logan comes in to lie with patton and rub his chest soothingly

logan is distressed and frustrated and shaken at that point but he knows not to have their conversation until the next day bc patton will be emotionally and physically exhausted

but the next day they have a serious talk - logans pretty ANGRY that patton was so ignorant of his wellbeing that he didnt refill his inhaler, patton brushes it off but logan says its a good thing he secretly kept one for patton (bc he almost suspected this might happen)

it rly hits patton when logan tells him if he had needed anymore puffs than he took they wouldve had to phone an ambulance - like patton not wanting to worry his family by admitting his asthma was acting up backfired way more and has made them worry even more because he had a full attack that could have gone so much worse

the whole conversation is VERY stern and serious even at the start when patton smiles and chuckles and jokes and brushes it off logan just gets frustrated and upset. logan is SO angry literally he is glaring at patton when patton brushes it off and makes jokes abt it and he snaps.

logan actually very seriously tells patton this is self harm and patton goes WHAT nonono no its not i dont know why youre getting so worked up

and logan fucking SNAPS like "Youre not giving your body what it needs to survive because you dont think your worth that!! you're neglecting your basic needs to the point of needing urgent medical care, doesnt that sound familiar??? doesnt that sound like something we've both been through before???" clearly referencing his eating disorder

and pattons eyes go wide and he profusely apologises hes like im so sorry oh my gosh logan honey im sorry did i trigger you im sorry and logans just like STOP APOLOGISING this isnt about me its about you!

and he sso angry bc he thought they trusted each other but the fact that patton didnt tell him when he literally couldnt breathe is so scary to logan

but that is basically an argument bc logan was so fucking worried and devastated that patton has ignored his health to such an extent and vee gets nervous bc both her and roman can hear them yelling and she thinks the cgs will breakup bc they "had a fight"

but once theyre finished talking and vee shakily asks if theyre not gonna be a family anymore they'll of course comfort faer and talk abt it, its not a fight its a disagreement and mummys and daddys have those sometimes. theyre still a family and they still love each other very very much. they all soend their family day together as usual, though patton isnt as able to get up and play with roman understandably

also the fact this all comes around the same week patton and logan tell vee that janus wants to babysit, thats why patton has been absent from the blog recently i guess bc hes been keeping busy trying to work through his feelings of janus wanting to come in

hhh yeah... the way it lines up to patton's other insecurities abt janus coming into the family and it all just piles on too much all at once

so on monday morning logan goes with patton to get more inhalers and they actually stay out for while like they go to a forest or smth just to be alone and help patton recenter a little - he's always loved being in nature, it really brings him a lot of peace, being in nature is really the best way to keep patton grounded from his dissociation, thats why hes always gardening

and logan doesnt want to be angry at him and he knows patton needs support and comfort atm even is patton doesnt think he does so they have a calm day just being together and logan trying to remind patton that hes there for him

HHH stop bc they YEAH bc they kinda had a fight even though it did get 'resolved' but they needed to take time to reconnect their energies and like show each other (and specifically logan show patton) that their love is still secure and their friendship is still strong - just the quiet care of logan taking patton somewhere they can just be alone without responsibilities

secretly patton was rlly upset that logan got angry with him but he didnt show it but logan KNOWS him and he knows he needs to fix it with queality time (pats love lang) because pattons been alone a lot recently, its just been that he keeps busy and accidentaly distanced himself bc the others would all be busy and hanging out in some way and he fet a bit abandoned but yeah logan is dedicating the whole day to him

and patton does end up talking abt his inner turmoil a little but not until theyre like in the middle of the forest and hes a lot calmer and theres no one around, he just feels so much calmer and safer in nature to open up like that.

and this is when patton tells logan about his worries about janus becoming closer to vee, and how its lovely for them but what if it hurts vee, what if they dont get along, what if they DO get along and vee wants to move back with janus. Logan doesnt say anything to the worries, he knows patton just needs to blurt them out while he can, while it mixes with the sounds of nature.

then patton mentions quietly that dr picani phoned him a couple weeks ago and told him that he would like to offer patton a trial session of therapy - not with vee, just patton. logan very calmly asks if that sounds like sometnging that might be helpful for patton and patton just giggles nervously "um i dont know. Vee has therapy"

logan frowns. "yes she does. but that doesnt mean you cant have it too, if you would like it"

patton goes quiet and looks anxious, scratching at the moss on the log theyve sat down on. so logan takes his hand and looks very earnestly at him and says gently "i would like you to at least accept the trial session. It is your decision but... i think it might be worth a try"

patton nods a little, just looking at their intertwined fingers. and after a long silence where they can just hear the birds tweeting and the wind rustling the leaves and small animals scurrying along the grass, patton finally looks up at logan and breathes "i'll go to therapy"

and when patton says that out loud suddenly his eyes well up and he sees logan smile at him - a little sad and a lot proud - and feels his hand squeeze and the tears just dont stop coming and he hides his eyes but laughs nervously like haha dont know why im crying this is so silly! but logan doesnt say anything to it, he just pulls patton into his side and rests his head on pattons head...

and patton keeps trying to laugh and joke but its so choked and sad and nervous and wet and logan wraps his other arm around patton too and just grntly whispers "pumpkin, its okay if youre not happy right now."

and patton just starts sobbing into logans shoulder and logan holds him so tight as they sit on the log

patton cant cope with silence when its about him yknow, he couldnt handle logan not laughing or tutting at his jokes so he just kept joking until logan insisted its ok to be sad

so once they get home logan sits with pstton while he phones dr picani and books his first solo therapy session for friday morning

[adhd-wifi]

i'm at the airport and there's nothing here to watch except CNN which is showing either the conservatives being hypocrites/lying or *golf tips* which makes me want to just chuck my boots at the screen so so that I don't commit much money in property damage may I please have some angsty wangxian or like literally anything plz im begging you

I’m sorry this took so long aksjakjskjdsakd but here’s an angsty fic outline about WangXian and their son!!!

Content Warning: Near-drowning, mental breakdown due to heavy guilt+phobia resulted from trauma

Wei WuXian and Lan WangJi were accompanying the Lan juniors on a night hunt, which was supposedly a mid-level threat but they aren’t sure what the actual threat is

They go into the forest surrounding the village being threatened, and split into two groups, one led by Wei WuXian and the other led by Lan WangJi

SiZhui and JingYi are both with Wei WuXian

They go to an area near a slow but deep river, and for a while they couldn’t find anything, but then they heard something in the water

Wei WuXian freaks out, hiding behind JingYi who was the closest, shaking like a leaf, as SiZhui, on his sword, approach the tiny puppy hanging onto a rock in the water

No one questions how a tiny puppy got into the middle of the river on its own like that (Wei WuXian has the excuse of fear)

SiZhui manages to grab the puppy, but is unable to pull it out of the water

The puppy suddenly growls, turning into a massive growling dog (VERY much like the vicious stray dogs of Wei WuXian’s childhood), yanking SiZhui off his sword and into the waters

JingYi panics, rushing forward to try and help SiZhui, leaving Wei WuXian there alone, unable to move due to the knowledge of the demon dog in the water, despite screaming at himself to move

There is a lot of screaming as SiZhui struggles to fight off the unknown creature in the water while keeping both himself afloat

JingYi is unable to grab SiZhui, who’s close to drowning at this point as the demon dog continues to pull him into the waters

Wei WuXian manages to take out ChenQing, but he’s shaking too much to play properly and unable to focus on channeling the resentful energy 

At this point, BiChen appears overhead and plunges into the water, stabbing the demon dog which bursts out of the water with a bloodcurdling howl, releasing SiZhui

Lan WangJi and the other juniors come to help, and they manage to pull SiZhui from the waters, his arm bleeding badly, having been seized by the dog

Unfortunately, the demon dog escapes as they do this, rushing to shore and turning into a brown snake and slithering into the forest

Lan WangJi instructs them all to head back to the village to treat SiZhui, who has his arm wrapped up in one of the junior’s spare robe, saying they will continue the hunt the following day 

Wei WuXian collapses, feeling utterly ashamed and pathetic, and furious upon knowing that thing wasn’t even a dog

They return to the inn, the innkeeper calling the local doctor for them at once as Lan WangJi tells the others to rest while he and Wei WuXian stayed with SiZhui. JingYi stays as well

Once they were alone, Wei WuXian apologises to SiZhui, who tries to play it off as “it’s fine I know you have your fear and I’m not judging, Senior Wei”

Wei WuXian however snaps at him, acting almost exactly like Jiang Cheng

“It’s not fine! You almost died and I just stood there like a coward!”

Everyone is shocked at him, and Wei WuXian recoils upon seeing their shock. He feels even more guilty and excuses himself

JingYi quickly tells Lan WangJi to go after him, but even though Lan WangJi desperately wants to, he has to be responsible and wait with SiZhui until the doctor comes

JingYi offers to stay instead with promises to care for SiZhui, and SiZhui promising he was fine, and both juniors soon convince Lan WangJi to go after Wei WuXian

Lan WangJi finds Wei WuXian pacing about a short walk away from the inn and cussing at himself under his breath, acting uncharacteristically upset

He asks Lan WangJi to leave him alone for a bit, telling him to go back  but Lan WangJi refuses, knowing Wei WuXian was prone to spiralling into intense depreciation otherwise 

Wei WuXian, being in a bad mental state at the moment, snaps again, yelling at him to leave him alone, but Lan WangJi doesn’t

Instead he goes up to Wei WuXian, who has turned away from him, and gently takes his hand

Wei WuXian doesn’t turn around, but Lan WangJi can feel him trembling and wouldn’t be surprised if Wei WuXian was crying

He was right

Wei WuXian begins to speak, his voice coming out in broken sobs, saying he was pathetic, he was a coward, clearly broken up about almost “letting A-Yuan die right in front of him” and how “he almost lost their son a second time”

He was definitely crying, and out came more sobs about how he hated how his fear crippled him so badly sometimes, and how he was more concerned for his own safety away from the dog, THAT WASN’T EVEN A DOG, over the safety of his son

Lan WangJi lets him cry, saying nothing as he listens to Wei WuXian vent his frustrations, before finally descending into full on sobbing

At this point, Lan WangJi pulls him closer, hugging him from behind, softly telling him it wasn’t his fault

Lan WangJi: “SiZhui understands, Wei Ying. He knows you would never leave him behind again if you can help it.”

Wei WuXian: “But A-Yuan was right there…right in front of me…I’m a strong swimmer…if it was anything else I…”

Lan WangJi: “But it was something that’s a serious fear of yours. You cannot help your fears, Wei Ying.”

Wei WuXian just cries more, and Lan WangJi just holds him close as he lets out all his frustrations

After a long time, Wei WuXian calms down, and Lan WangJi asks him if he was ready to go back and see SiZhui

Wei WuXian agrees and they head back

The doctor looks at them disapprovingly when they return, but Lan WangJi, SiZhui and JingYi all give the doctor sharp glares, so he says nothing

Wei WuXian noticed though

Luckily, the wound was not infected and it was SiZhui’s non-dominant arm, but he was not to fight just in case

Wei WuXian feels more bad

Once the doctor leaves, he once again apologises to SiZhui, but this time SiZhui reaches out with his good arm and in a rare show of blatant affection, he wraps his good arm around Wei WuXian

“I understand, I promise. Please, don’t blame yourself Dad.”

Wei WuXian comes close to crying again, as he hugs SiZhui back, whispering more apologises

Later that night, Wei WuXian is lying beside Lan WangJi, still shaken by the night’s events

“I don’t deserve you and A-Yuan” he says

Lan WangJi sits up, gives him a soft glare, before reaching up and tenderly brushing a hair away from Wei WuXian’s face

“You don’t have to deserve us, but even so, you will have us by your side” he replies

Wei WuXian smiles weakly, snuggling closer

“You’re too good to me…both of you”

Welp it’s like 6am right now I need to sleep Camie so have this for now LMAO