#i just cant wait until june to post these

[edenfire]

🌻💛 P4 Pride Buttons 💛🌻

I'm so so excited for this set!! and I really hope you guys like it too! (I was going to wait until pride month to debut these, but I was just too excited lol plus it's great to be queer all year round!!🌈🌈🌈🌈)

> my shop <

[spacedustmantis]

hello !! in your ep 73 3k word analysis post you mentioned that there are subtle hints towards gillion being suicidal at one point and i was wondering if you could mention what and when those subtle hints are because i cant stop thinking about that . side note that post was absolutely brilliant your analysis was SPOT ON and i really really enjoyed reading it !!

oh thank you so much anon!! i'm always a little worried that that post is a bit outdated because i did write it in june of last year, but good to know that it holds up!

and yeah, i mean gillion's passive suicidal ideation is not really a secret. i mean he throws himself at any kind of danger without any self-preservation at all. he has done that since the beginning of the campaign and he hasn't stopped. it's mostly motivated by a general drive to protect and serve, but it would not be that extreme if it didn't come with a certain amount of disregard for his own safety. i mean that much has been canon. and even further gillion also told chip back when the felipe issue had yet to be resolved that he doesn't really care about dying, that he has made peace with that already. the only reason he would rather not die is that then he wouldn't be around to protect his family.

so passive suicidal ideation, or just a general disregard for his own life? definitely canon (up until recently, but that's a different conversation). what leads me to think that he might've been actively suicidal at some point is me taking some creative liberties with how i interpret his character. if you were taken in as a child to be trained for the prophecy, and you believed your only purpose is fulfilling the prophecy, and then you were constantly told you were not good enough for the prophecy. wouldn't you feel a little like you didn't have a reason to be alive in the first place? wouldn't the shame and the hurt and the disappointment be enough to push you to the brink? he could count the reasons to not kill himself on one hand. edyn, pretzel, and a sense of duty and obligation to the people of the undersea.

but also gillion just straight up said he might've not "got through [the training]" if he didn't have pretzel and edyn (during the first allport arc). which. is a throwaway line, sure, but it's a strange thing to say about something that he literally did not have a say in. beyond perhaps ending his own life...

also i'm a firm believer that during that time that gillion was just floating on the sea, before he got fished out of the ocean by chip, he was just kinda waiting for nature to do it's thing. wasting away.

but yeah he's doing much better now! proud of him!

[delusional-cannibal]

Help me get my baby cremated

Sorry all it's a spange/ vent post

he/him btw

Tw medical mistreatment, pregnancy, abortion/miscarrige?

TLDR: hospital messed up, had to lose my baby, have to figure out creamation

Hey so I'm not really sure on how to do this so I'l start when I got sick

I got sick around september last year. (constant vomiting lasting over a week happening 20 hours a day, unable to eat or drink) with many trips to after hours and the ED constant tests and being put on IV drips they said it was some type of hyperemesis and to food diary ect

From then I'm on new meds and am coping better with an attack every few weeks lasting a week (sometimes lining up with menstration sometimes not) Still in hospital at least once but up to 4 times a month ( usually in the same week)

So march I come in very sick they do bloods and pee tests and check everything, they say I'm probably either too stressed or I have bulimia. (Ive had mental health issues in the past but I know when I'm getting bad with my eating and I had been doing a lot better)

April I come in 3 times and again lots of bloods taken and other samples given ect. I must be stressed or disordered

May I come in twice and again tests and again "theres nothing wrong with you, youre stressing yourself out

June I come in and they tell me I am 3 month pregnant. There are blood test results from early April saying I was pregnant but because the pee stick tests were all negative,no one,,,,, checked,, my bloods,, for 3 months.

I find that out on sunday the 11th. They show me ultrasounds, they refer to it as a baby and a child multiple times. They then tell me I wont be able to have him. I'm no where near well enough to make it to term and I would most likely not be able to carry him without high risk of still birth. On monday I get a rough phone call saying they can see me for surgery on thursday. I was 13 week and 4 days so 3 more days and I would have had to wait until it got worse and probably have to stillbirth/false labour. So i had the surgery and now I am left here feeling hollow and wrong with a jar in my freezer that would have been my son.

I dont know if I would have kept him or adopted him but this is not what i wanted, epecially not being this far along.

I am absolutely pro abortion/prochoice and if i had only been a month or so or if i hadnt seen him that then would have been the choice for me. But being over a third of the way and being told "Hey you're a third there! but you cant do it even if you want it bad enough" was just gut wrenching.

A friend will be helping me complain but thats the last thing on my mind. Like just a week ago i was worried about watering the plants i had been neglecting for a speel and this week I am trying to figure out how to organize and pay for my babys cremation.

How does life even do these thing man?

Like I've had a rough time as it is with CSA and being homeless for periods, but the csa court case was mostly over, and i had found a nice person, and am living in the first house where i haven't been mistreated and I'm making a home and tmi but i had sex for the first times since i was assulted last year and it had only been a few times with condoms each time and they day after pill when one broke? And then this, like I was just getting my life back and now i get to watch it fall apart again.

Sorry for the rant, thanks everyone

my paypal is blu.dylan.avery@gmail.com I'm from nz so we dont have the venmos/cashapps

and

https://givealittle.co.nz/cause/help-me-get-my-sweet-boy-cremated

[autisticempathydaemon]

hello! i am new to redacted and here for the ask game :)

my favourite song rn is the gothic surfarama by the vampire beach babes totally go listen to that

i usually dont like big video essays unless theyre about a topic im super into, like i have watched hours of essays about tmnt and mcr, bit if its about something im not so into, probably not

my favourite audio is either damn friendsgiving or damn bowling (im a sucker for good friends and found family lmao)

i just cannot get into blake. like aside from the cult stuff lmao just not into him

RISE OF THE TMNT i have episodes of that show memorised. you could show me a screenshot and i could tell u what ep its from and whats happening at that moment.

ollie my best friend hes brilliant. nerdy about board games? perfect please be my best friend ill listen to him tell me about catan or scythe for hours on end

no tired ramblings, i sort of just get sleep drunk. if im tired i am not talking for the world

im not american so i dont do gas station stuff instead my dokan (like a corner store i guess) go to would be a mango juice bottle and whatever knock off oreos they have.

my favourite playlist (music or redacted? ill do both) is a) my gothy music playlist from when i was 13 with a few additions lmao, and b) milos playlist his accent is just so fun to listen to even though i can barely understand it lol

NO guilty pleasures i enjoy what i enjoy without shame

annd uh. im an art student, i prefer popeyes over mac, i have awful hayfever, and i cant choose a favourite colour they are all beloved to me

Ooh, so this was a thinker. I could have gone in a few directions, but if we’re taking everything into consideration plus “Vampire Beach Babes”, it’s got to be Vincent Solaire!

First, Vincent is and always will be a total nineties kid at heart, so he would absolutely love Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. (Off the top of my head, I think he thinks himself a Miley and had a big crush on Leo as a tween.) He gets super hyped for every addition to the franchise and loves chill nights on the couch watching reruns with you while you draw.

Speaking of drawing, I think Vincent would be such a wonderful boyfriend for an art student. We have evidence that he was so supportive in Lovely’s studies, and he’d do just the same with you: always bringing you snacks while you work, offering to model for you, chauffeuring you to work in automotive style. Also, he’s without a doubt gorgeous- what better inspiration could you ask for?

Song:

Let's trash our whole afternoon/ Reciting recycled news/ Until we melt and go back to your hotel room/ I'll be your new favorite tune/ I'll be your black cloud by June/ But only when you miss the rain like I miss you

One. I like this to fit your goth/emo vibe but looking for something new. Two. This song is ridiculously singable and fun; I think Vincent would have a great time bouncing along to this with you in the car and grinning dopily when he says he’s stupid for you.

Runner-Ups:

Asher would be a cute runner-up because I think you two would like a lot of the same things, like TMNT and MCR. Asher’s more of a FOB-boy, but he’s not likely to be one and not the other, ya know? Lasko is an even cuter runner-up just because something about him would be so cute next to an art student; like, that’s an it couple right there.

note: thank you so much for waiting 💕

Read this post and send me an ask if you’d like a match-up of your own! 💌

[mangedog]

ive heard people raise concerns about the blackout needing to last longer than just 48 hours, and i feel like if we want to make an impact we'd have to wait likr. a long long time. but my issue with that is that i Do want to participate in disability pride month because ive been looking forward to both months for a year!! i cant think of a great Solution but i just think i should voice my concerns with the person who started the idea of the blackout. sorry if this ask isnt useful 😢

yeah, neither solution is good. and there's the whole "blackouts don't work on tumblr because of the way tumblr works" thing.

my suggestion to people who want to participate but don't want to do it indefinitely is to:

do the 48 hours (june 30th - july 1st, EST time)

delete the app - and don't re-download it until we get results (if you only have a mobile/other device that's not a computer, use your internet browser post-blackout)

leave a negative review of the app on the app store, detailing the issues we've raised

continue to participate in discussions of what users are unhappy with and how to fix them, especially if those discussions involve staff blogs

[cynicalmusings]

Im oh my god how did i never see a post abt the hmc jingy beofre tonivht ohmdyavid im going to eat that up for dinner for a whole night some night i love you id pay you if i had money just because i love your writing and 130k words is insane my pea brain cant even comprehend

Jing Yuan most goated fic writer I worship thy.

(Is it me or is there one insane decline in his fics)

thank you! i was also quite surprised myself when i added up the final word count, but… that’s just what jing yuan does to a person, huh

you might have to wait a while for your whole-night banquet, thought: to make it clear (since i’ve often hidden it in the tags of my updates), i plan to leave the fic for a couple of months (until around june, probably), which’ll give me time to refresh my memory of it so i can go through and start the big editing process. that might take no time at all; it might take a month, who knows. then i’ll send it out to beta readers, make more edits based on their suggestions, comb through it myself once more, and then start posting — so hold on until… probably around august! i promise you’ll eat well!

on your last comment, yeah… i do think his fics are growing sparser. it makes sense with all the new characters being introduced in penacony as well as moving focus generally away from the luofu, but… justice for jing yuan guys. we can’t let the powercreep get him in fanfic too </3

[unknooooow]

BTTF Year-End Tag Game!

@alex-a-fans thanks for tagging me :DD and yes I wanted to wait until very close to new year's eve to post this

This year:

-How many times would you guess you watched the first back to the future movie?

... good question. Idk too :)) maybe 10 or 15 times around

-Did you get any sweet bttf merch? If so, what!

this year I only got one thing: the bttf making of book (I got it for my bday :DD)

-How many cans of Pepsi Free did you chug this year?

well... 1 or 2? pepsi is not something that is easy to find around here ;-;

-What was a favorite bttf fanfic you read this year?

I could name several... but Im gonna name one with several chapters and a oneshot

fic with more than one chapter: Most People Were Silent by @daryfromthefuture. DOC FROM THE 40S :DD this topic is just soo interesting. and Dary worked really well on this topic :))

oneshot: Merry Christmas from the Browns by @alex-a-fans. this was one of the best. Its funny and it caught me by surprise. doc as Santa Claus :))

-A favorite bttf fanart you saw this year? (please give us a link, not a screencap/repost!)

calm down. here I go looking for the fanarts :)

this fanart is so amazing and deep (@autoraton)

I love analyzing Citizen Brown reality. and this here represents my fascination with this :)) (@tobytost)

the Brown family is my fictional family ok? I love them and they look beautiful in this fanart 🥺🥺 (@maxintime)

I LOVE BABY DOC YOUR HONOR!! he looks so cute in this fanart I CANT STAND IT 🥺🥺 (@cheriboms)

-Did you create any bttf fanart or fanfic? If you did, what one(s) are you proudest of?

OOOOOOH GREAT QUESTION :DD

In terms of fic I think the best was the first chapter of June of Doom. At first I thought the idea might backfire but it ended up making a great fic :)) I loved working on the topic

In terms of fanart I choose this beauty here. this was one of the drawings that required the most work but it was worth it :) I ended up liking the result and the text and the other characters I made

-How many times were you late for school this year?

none :) I am a very exemplary student ;))

-Did you watch any other movies/tv shows with BTTF actors in them?

well, I watched My Favorite Martian (courtesy of @alex-a-fans :)) that features Christopher Lloyd. the old Addams movie that also features Christopher Lloyd. and... Who framed Roger Rabbit... that also features... Christopher Lloyd...

-Was there a memorable moment you heard a Huey Lewis song this year?

in the car. started playing The Power of Love on the radio. and my parents started singing along with me. it was really fun :)

-How many times did you fall down this year?

1 or maybe 2 times. I really try not to fall down

-Did you get to see BTTF: The Musical? What was your experience like!

unfortunately not (yet) ;-; but I hope to go next year (if I can convince my parents to buy tickets for me)

-How many times did your mom retell the story of how she and your father met?

she only told me this story 3 times. and I still remember. Its not that big of a story but its interesting. And if I went back in time maybe I could end up interfering with that too :,)

-If you could describe your year in a BTTF quote, which one would it be?

“Why do we have to cut these things so damn close?”

yep. definitely

⚡️LIGHTNING ROUND⚡️ Did you get to: go on any trains, skate on a skateboard, ride a horse, drive a Delorean, run in the rain, go to a dance, hang up a clock, play the guitar, pull an all-nighter, read science fiction, or drive thru Burger King this year?

-Your future is whatever you make it! So what are you going to make of this coming year?

try to be more active. and write more. ill try :)) I dont promise much

but anyway. HAPPY NEW YEAR PEOPLE :DD

Tagging: @autoraton @maxintime @tobytost feel free to do it :))

[eyeoftheaxolotl]

another important time of year to know about that begins in june is hurricane season.

if you live in an at-risk area, make sure you have all the supplies you need. i live in miami, so you bet your ass we're getting all the batteries, non-perishables, emergency supplies, etc. that we need.

do not wait until a storm is approaching to prepare. panic may ensue after a storm is announced. items may become hard to find. get them now while there is not much going on.

here's a list of items to stock up on. ill also put it here bc if you dont read any of the links from this post i want to be sure you at least read this. this is (in no particular order) the list from Ready, the site NOAA has linked:

water. Ready recommends a gallon per person per day for several days; get what you can. be sure you also have water for pets if you have them.

food. have several days' worth of non-perishable food. again, be sure to get food for pets as well if needed. if the food is in cans, make sure you've got some way of opening them, i.e. manual can opener. dont rely on an electronic can opener. (optionally, extra plates, utensils, etc.)

radio, etc. ESPECIALLY if you're in a risk zone, your power can go out so fast. so can cell service, etc. know which devices work without power, which require a charger, and which can work without internet.

flashlight. generally a good thing to have anyway. harbor freight has rly bright ones for cheap, theyre by the front counter

first aid kit. again, generally a good thing to have in or out of hurricane season.

covid preventative measures. especially if you're living with other people — you may end up in close quarters for days at a time or longer, and that's gonna get really bad really fast if you don't have some way to ward off the virus

MEDICATIONS!!!! i can say from experience that hurricanes and even just storm surges have a very real chance of messing up your ability to get your prescription. all it takes is a power outage and the pharmacy to be like oh :( sorry cant give u ur meds now :( computer isnt working :( and you can get screwed so easily. also, check up on your supplies of any over-the-counter stuff you may need to use, especially if regularly (for example, ibuprofen and similar that might be needed for menstrual cramps)

menstrual products (pads, tampons, etc.). you will want to have enough of these for a while. make sure to account for anyone else you're living with who needs them too.

baby care products. Ready specifically lists formula, bottles, diapers, wipes, and diaper rash cream.

diversions for kids. Ready lists this too, and i can say from experience — being trapped inside without power during a hurricane as a kid is not only terrifying, but also boring as all hell. you don't really understand what the adults are talking about, you just know that you're possibly in danger and that your games arent working because of it, and it sucks. i highly recommend legos, but even a silly board game can be enough for a couple hours.

batteries. yes okay sure maybe you have batteries. but please double-check — are they the right kind? do you have enough for the things you may need to use them for? also keep track of batteries for devices such as hearing aids, which you are less likely to be able to find batteries for from a neighbor

whistle to signal for help. you can get em for like 3-4 bucks

dust mask for contaminated air. i tried to find whether this can be a covid mask, but no dice. lmk if you know! in the absence of any evidence that the two are completely interchangeable, i would recommend to get a separate dust mask just in case. harbor freight sells em in packs of 10 for 3-4 bucks. also keep in mind that not all dust masks are designed for use against covid

plastic sheeting and duct tape. this one is to seal up the walls in case of danger outside — here's how to do it. (Look at the section titled "Sheltering in place".)

wet wipes, garbage bags, plastic ties

wrench or pliers to turn off utilities. here's how to do it. be sure you know which tools can be used for what BEFORE you have to go do it yourself. while you're at it, check if you've got any tools you need to repair damage to mobility aids, etc.

maps of the area. if you dont know your area, if you're dorming or rooming and don't know what's around, whatever your situation — trust me, you do not want to have to rely on an electronic device to get to where you need to be. know what you're looking for in advance if possible.

phone, charger, etc.

other important supplies based on what you might need:

glasses + lens solution. once again, this is pretty much just a thing that's generally good to have. but also remember that a lens wipe can only do so much if your glasses are covered in large particles or particles in a large amount

cash, important documents, etc. preferably in a waterproof container. Ready specifically lists insurance policies, identification and bank account records.

blanket or sleeping bag for each person. yet another instance of something that is generally good to have.

full change of clothing + shoes. if you can get good, sturdy shoes — great. but if you have a pair of extra shoes, that's fine too.

fire extinguisher. i'll be honest — i've never included this in the kit, and i don't have one, but Ready lists it as an item some people might need. idk. if you feel like you might need one, you can look into it — they do seem to be among the pricier items on the list, though.

this list will show you your evacuation zone if you live in the eastern/southern US:

this shows flooding zones in the US and Puerto Rico:

please feel free to add on any other resources you know of!

[murosakiiro]

A much needed Life Update

So, let's get to it shall we?

Lets start with projects Im working on.

As pretty much everyone is aware, I'm a published author now and the first (yes First!) Trilogy in my series is out. I'm very happy, awed and proud to finally be more than just self published and I cant wait to introduce everyone to the next trilogy.

I'm also working on a free to read story, The Fallen Rise, which I'm also grateful for all the support! Just having people read it supports me and the story and allows me to keep updating semi-daily! Yay for free support!

I'm also working on redoing my old old comic idea, Son of Nyarlathotep. It's a horror adventure comic just oozing lovecraftian lore and I am so excited to share it! I almost have a month buffer on pages, so I'll hopefully start posting that in June.

Im also working on another horror project, a untitled game I'm developing with my partner. We're still in the early concept and planning stages but with my main game project on hold, this is a nice way to keep expanding my toolset for when work on BOTA can begin again.

As far as BOTA, the project is on hold for the foreseen future. I just dont have the extra income to pay the team and despite us being so close to having a Demo. I dont believe in asking people to work for free. So, until I can pay the team, the demo is on hold.

Now for Life stuff.

So, some of you know, my life has been pretty hectic and stressful since September of last year. Well, without putting myself on blast, I'm glad to say I'm almost through it. There's only one more loose end to wrap up and fingers crossed, It'll be tied up soon and I can officially move past it. It's been stressful, anxiety inducing and definitely has changed the course of my life, but it wasn't all bad. It allowed me to meet my partner, who is amazing and taught me some very important lessons about myself and finally, finally, finally forced me to face and deal with my trauma. I'll be happy when it's over and I'll carry these lessons with me going forward.

Speaking of which, as of now, Im a stay at home parent. I can't afford a babysitter or daycare in my area so the only option for me is to watch my daughter myself. Obviously, this is a big scary step for me, so believe me when I say I appreciate the support on my projects. I'm working to secure a work from home job but until then, book royalties and rev share from The Fallen Rise is my only income.

And thats it

Sorry for the long update but I don't do these often. Again, thank you everyone for ALL the support you give me and for being my strength through everything.

[moriartyluver]

Hi guys! Just wanted to announce that I’m going on a semi-hiatus for the next three months due to exams. I may post old drafts but for your own sakes, please don’t expect any content until mid June. These exams are very important to me and although writing is my passion, I can’t have it distracting me atm from my exams.

Requests are still open, please do not hold back from sending them in, but they will not be answered until like the summer unless they’re incredibly short.

I cant wait to come back to both tumblr and Wattpad in the summer as I’ll be able to spend ALOT of time on writing and I’ll probably finish all my drafts and all my currently ongoing Wattpad fan fictions.

Thank you all for your support over the past few months! I really do appreciate it all. Once again, I really cannot wait to see all your requests over the next few months, as you are all extremely creative and I would not be able to do as well in writing if it wasn’t for you guys.

For now, A is signing out. Bye! ✌️

[anauro]

hi roc!! i read all of the 18 chapter of dass without knowing you were going to post a one shot with evan and barty!!! i feel very well fed, thank you so much.

now i just have dass brain rot because i fucking ADORE james in that fic <3333 he has my heart and my soul. i'd do anything for him.

also regulus. such a good man, always trying to help even if he gets hurt in the process. just dass jegulus <333

I LITERALLY CANT WAIT TO SEE THEM WORKING ON THESE FEELINGS THEY ARE HAVING FOR EACH OTHER AAAAHHH

im just gonna ask in case you have said this already, but do you know when will you update?? i say this with no intention to put pressure on you!! just curious if you have a date planned, but in any case, i will be waiting until it is up :))

love your writing!!!

Hi dear! 🌸

Aww you’re so kind, I’m very happy you enjoyed the main dish and the dessert 😋

Dass James was my big anxiety, cause how do you make people like a person like that? But I’m glad I succeeded and the hours of research paid off hah.

Dass Regulus may be entitled and a dick when he wants to, but he’s overall a good person. They all are in my opinion, actually.

I will get to work on the chapter this Friday, but likely it will be early June before I manage to get it out, sorry dear ☹️

Thank you for the lovely ask 💖

[chaoscoffeeandbaddays]

I haven't forgotten. Since my last post, my sister boxed up all my stuff from my parents house so she can move in there, and under the cover of night without a word to me, dumped 5, yes FIVE, SUV carloads of my stuff in my driveway. And when I called her out on how shit that was to do without texting me, she sends this whole effing diatribe on how me being on a single income isnt her fault, me being a hoarder isnt her fault, me being LAZY isnt her fault. Apparently, leaving my stuff there when I was forced to move into a TENT was TAKING ADVANTAGE of my parents. I started moving stuff into a storage unit and even though Dad told me not to and that it could stay, I still did move out what I could fit in the storage unit. I continued paying board for MONTHS after I left because my stuff was still there, until Mum DEMANDED I stop. But yes, I'm 'taking advantage'. She decided she wanted to move in by the end of July but renovate first and I told her straight up that I had my first house inspection June 28th and couldnt move anything before then, I was still unpacking and cleaning my new house right up until the moment the agent arrived for the inspection. I even called in sick the night before and worked through the night to have it ready. My fibro and arthritis make me epically slow. I try my best but I cant just try the pain away.

Anyway, she 'gets' that I have pain but that doesnt excuse me 'making other people wait until I can be bothered'. I dont have a problem with her boxing up my stuff. So its out of her way. I dont have a problem with her bringing it over. I have a big problem with her not saying a word and sneaking over in the middle of the night to leave it all in my driveway. The driveway of my rental, on a main street where my landlord could drive past at any time. Just a simple text it would have been fine and she could have saved both our backs by not bringing the stuff that was to go in the trailer for the tip ( a trailer I couldnt fill with my stuff myself because it was still full of HER stuff).

Mum and Dad are putting the house in mine and my sister's names with a granny-flatting clause, so we can inherit the house while they are alive, not have stamp duty or capital gains tax on it, but we have to keep a roof over their heads the rest of their lives. It doesnt have to be THAT roof, we just have to house them. It surprised me when my sister said she wanted to buy ME out because she had always been clear that she didnt want it. But I'm glad because I could no longer live with Dad and wasnt in a position to buy her out. She asked if she could not pay me out until next year when she came back from Japan and I was like "hey thats fine" she was putting a lot of money to the renovations before moving in so why not have her being able to live rent free for a few months to save up for a nice holiday before having to buckle down under a mortgage. See, once the house is in joint names, if one of us is living there, the other is entitled to their half of the rental value. But she's my sister, I wasn't going to ask her to pay rent to me just because my name is on the title. Besides, I knew it would take me a long time to finish getting my stuff out. I even offered to leave the bed, TV, and a couple of cabinets, so my old room would already be set up as a guest bedroom. She never said no thanks, she actually said "ok, cool." Then, when she dumped everything here, it included those things, things she KNEW were never coming here. But I digress. Half rent for my parents' place would be about what I'm paying for rent in the tiny house I'm in now. It would make my life so much easier. I would be able to afford the physical therapies that I haven't been able to in a long time. It would do wonders for my life and my health. But it was money I wouldn't have had anyway, so I could wait another year to get my health back on track, if it made it easier for her. My only sister.

She doesnt think she's done anything wrong. And is now saying she doesnt want to move in there and she'll tell our narcissistic father that I'm coming back. I dont think that apple fell far from the tree. I cant get it through her head that ALL SHE HAD TO DO WAS TEXT ME TO ASK WHAT TO BRING AND WHAT TO PUT IN THE TRAILER INSTEAD OF SNEAKING AROUND. Now, according to my father and her partner, I'm the one in the wrong. Because I said that's shit and disrespectful behaviour and if she doesnt have enough respect for me to send me a simple text message, why should I give up a year of rental income that's almost as much as I earn in a year. Oh that's right, because it's not HER fault I'm poor.

[the-saltiest-saltine]

Your Yan!Chrollo fic oh my god one of the best one i have read lately i cant wait for next chapter and may you have a good results in exam so you can post the rest soon good luck in exams and AGAIN CANT WAIT FOR NEXT CHAPTER AHHH

<3333333 istg asks and comments like these give me an ungodly amount of serotonin. I am fulfilled.

Thanks for the good luck wishes! While I most likely won’t be able to publish a chapter until mid-late June, I’m still actually making a lot of progress! (Just not chronologically 😭)

[mummybearmusing]

October 2018 post:

THE FIVE STAGES OF GRIEF..AND GOING THROUGH THEM

Like grieving a loss, so the five DABDA stages

Denial

Anger

Bargaining

Depression

Acceptance

There is no timeline as its a very personal thing

In actual fact my ex has been moved out two years in Jan, we have a son who will soon be six.. he used the fact i suffer with anxiety and mild depression against me to take our son and get me to agree he was best with him til i “got myself sorted”

I feel over the space of a few days the old adagé of one step forward two steps back

I did the Denial, in the fact that I was gaslighted and I started doubting myself, my decisions, the conversations I’d had..it quite literally did my head in

I got Angry, when I realised what he’d done was pre-meditated and he stayed with me to push me as close to the proverbial edge as possible, he was a day off succeeding I would guess

I have tried bargaining..I offered to go to mediation last year so we all had piece of mind, he turned it down, said we’re his parents, we can make an agreement on our own..yes I believed him..again

Depression..how could I not be down, and sad when my son is less than ten minutes walk away and I can only have contact when dad says so? (We have a court order but its undefined due to the fact he does shift work..which I am totally ok with) and the fact that its not just up to him when i cant and cant see him or speak to him, but its also up to him to take my supervision away when he feels ready (again its in the order, its all worded so every choice is his to make..and if he chooses to say no then tough..no repercussion..i just miss out and it makes me sadder)

Acceptance..I have accepted that I am the one who must continue to be the bigger person at all times, to attempt to keep things as amicable as possible for our sons sake and with as little hostility animosity or tension as possible

..So.. he made me continue to be supervised all summer

despite him getting a letter in March confirming MH is stable and I’m no longer on any meds to control it..

despite giving him a copy of my discharge letter from counselling in june which states my progress is indicative of a full medical recovery..

Today was meant to be the day. The first day in almost two years where I could pick our son up from school, walk him back home, give him dinner and walk him back.. it was meant to be the first day where it was just me and him the whole time..and this week i was meant to be able to start picking him up more than once a week

..He has taken it all back and told me all stays as is until we get to mediation (which I agreed to attempt to keep things amicable)

..So I have accepted that I now have to wait for this next “event” to play out

I have accepted that he hates me and is determined to delay everything as much as possible so he can keep me away from our son as much as possible

I have accepted that he’ll say stuff, he’ll make promises.. he’ll agree changes and then throw more obstacles in the mix..more spanners in the works

..Thanks to this VERY last minute change of mind (monday he said it..after i told our son all excited that it can finally just be us) I feel extremely run down and now I’ve had to call people and tell them I still need them to do school runs with me..because he says so..depression

Back to bargaining, I agreed to go to mediation with him because when we agreed the last changes there were a few more I never got to discuss with him..ergo I was going to bring them up with him there..after re-iterating I’m not trying to take a second of the time he has with our son now, when he isn’t working..I am merely trying to ask that I get more time with him instead of him being left with a babysitter

And currently back at anger..

How is he allowed to still do this.. how is he still allowed all of the control?

How is he still allowed to continue to alienate me from our son?

How dare he try and ruin or break my bond with our son!

So yes..it comes in waves.. don’t beat yourself up, we’ll all make our way through until we get to the serenity that is acceptance

Serenity:

grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change;

courage to change the things I can;

and wisdom to know the difference

Maybe the reason I’m not there yet is because I’m grieving three things, and one repeatedly.. grieving once for the relationship i thought was the best one i’ve ever been in, for the child we were meant to try for that his family told me he never actually wanted (he did..i have it in a letter he wrote..just lied to them all)

and i grieve because my ex has my son living with him and my ex decides when i cant and cant see him, and when i cant and hes at work then hes with a babysitter.. i grieve every time i give him back to the babysitter because he should be spending time with both parents and not really need one

i grieve for my boy when i do hand over knowing that i wont see or speak to him for another 9 days, because its dads weekend off (im all for dad having as much time with him as poss..but i want him more and to be babysat less) my heart always feels like it breaks a little, and until I get to see him next I feel like it stays unmended

#MummaBearMusings

[yr-heart-is-beating]

Melissa;

they say “you don’t know what you have, until it’s gone” and it’s the most accurate thing i’ve heard since i lost her.

Monday marks 6 years since i had lost my best friend, the demons whispering sweet nothings into her innocent ears, her always listening despite the grievance that follows

it’s weird,

as someone who tends to forget things, quickly having to write them down in my notes before i lose my train of thought

there was always one thing i couldn’t ever shake

no matter how much time has passed,

how old i had gotten,

and how you always stayed the same throughout it all.

and it was her voice.

she had a melancholic voice, the type people use to depict a rather gloomy afternoon. the clouds darkening, the sun dimming, the sky getting ready for a rainfall.

that was kind of like her voice

but there was always a hint of misguided affection.

she raised her voice a few octaves higher when she lied,

she smoothed out every rough word when she was angry,

and she spoke with emotion because she needed to be heard and i was an active listener.

she was my first love,

platonically,

the first love i had ever found when i wandered off into a forest, knees bleeding, heart wounded from the attacks dealt of my family.

i had always been afraid of the dark,

so when i found a dimly lit light post that hung over a tree stump, i saw a girl sitting there.

she told me it was alright, it was okay to be afraid of the dark because she was too.

we agreed the light post was ours.

and eventually, we stopped being afraid of the dark.

id run away into her

she’d always escape with me.

we’d imagine the green moss skyscrapers, the miniature frog legged passerby’s, the fun and the excitement.

the love and the warmth

the safety and the peace

the way she was everything and more.

we’d meet every day and run off onto the world,

just her

and me

and our dreams.

but one day,

i ran

and i ran

and i never stopped running.

but she wasn’t there.

she didn’t meet me at the tree stump, the crickets sounding the thick air.

i waited and waited and waited and waited

but she never came.

and the following days,

i ran

and i ran

and i dreamt

and i escaped

but she never met me there.

she was never there waiting for me

her smile, hands waving, yelling out “Hey! over here!” from across the field.

all i was met with was the scorching hot sun, the muffled screams of the children in the distance, and the reminiscing feeling.

and then,

then, i stopped running.

i stopped meeting her ghost at the tree stump.

i stopped searching for any memory of her.

i stopped showing up to school.

i stopped expecting her to meet me there.

till the last day of school,

June.

Exactly a month since she became only a figment.

the dragging of my feet echoed in the halls, my principal glancing back at me every now and then, my mother holding my hand

and i remember breaking down into tears.

and i remember just running.

and i remember being afraid of the dark again.

some people ask me how it feels to lose someone at such a young age.

to tell you the truth, it broke my heart in a way where the cracks from when i tried to put it back together, are still there and they still sting.

it’s a different kind of pain,

most people lose someone but are content with the knowing fact at least they’re still in the same life as them.

but when you lose someone you know you can’t accidentally bump into at the supermarket

cant call them when you’re throat deep into a shot of liquor and apologize for bothering

cant ever hear their voice

see their face

or even touch their skin.

it breaks you.

it broke me.

after the first year i ran with substances draining in my system. my eyes bloodshot, the dopamine that i thought could help replace the haunting feeling. i ran and i ran but she never met me there. i still waited.

after the next few years i stumbled through my sobriety and the roots that overgrew around the tree stump. i ran and i ran but she never met me there, i slowly walked away.

and now, i moved away and haven’t visited the tree stump since. i heard they built an apartment complex over it, bulldozed the mossy skyscrapers, forced the frog legged passerby’s to vacate and created a new foundation over the broken one.

i don’t run anymore.

i don’t wait either.

instead i send dimly lit love letters to heaven with hopes she reads them.

maybe just maybe,

she’s sitting up there

underneath the dimly lit lantern

reading about all my dreams.

maybe she’s even waiting for me.

[yeosanggf]

honestly if wooyoung goes the whole month of june without posting i’ll praise him