#i just need the strength to fill the application and send it | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

p-artsypants · 7 months

Text

Paint it Black (7) Seeking

Ao3 | FF.net

The four Titans rushed downtown to Jump City Hospital. As it was the middle of the night, the front entrance was closed, but the emergency entrance was open.

“Oh! The Teen Titans, hello again!” Said the nurse behind the counter. “Mr. Rancid is out of surgery, and the police have sent an officer to watch him––”

“That’s nice, but we’re here for something else. Where are the labs where they do blood work?” Cyborg asked, rather impatiently.

“Uh, down the left, you’ll see a sign. No one is in to draw blood––”

“Is the unit open?”

“I can page a Doctor to meet you there…” She trailed off, going to the phone. Who was she to question the teen superheroes?

They didn’t stick around for her response, just followed the signs like she said.

“So our man was talking in song titles? Why?”

“I believe in the last video we saw, one of the men that were escorting him asked what he was doing with the head of a Slade-bot. I do not believe that was Robin, but that would have been the same camera, would it not?”

“And Robin probably thought if it could work, someone would be watching,” mused Raven.

“He was trying not to get caught leaking info, or having his cover blown,” Cyborg finished.

They reached the labs just as a doctor was keying the door. “Ah, there you are! What business do you have in the labs? Can I help you––”

“We aren’t sure,” Raven said, moving past him. “We’re looking for something.”

“Okay,” said Beast Boy, looking at his notes. “Last Flowers for the Hospital, check. We Suck Young Blood, check. Now we’re looking for Fake Plastic Trees and/or a ladder.”

“I see many fake plants,” Starfire said as she went to each, and looked in and around them.

“I don’t see any ladders though,” Cyborg looked around.

“Hmm,” Raven looked up to a ledge above the waiting room. “But, if you were unable to fly, wouldn’t you need a ladder to get to that fake plastic tree?”

The team all looked up and saw what she meant.

Starfire flew up and looked, parting the branches, moving the pot around, and then she saw it, under the pot. A file folder.

“Could this be it?”

They opened it up while the doctor waited by the door. The many documents spread out on the counter, and they examined them together.

“Project: Duality,” Raven read aloud from a pamphlet. “A revolutionary treatment for young men suffering with chronic hospitalization for mental disorders. Join our program for a fast track to your better self. Volunteers requested for experimental treatment, no booking fee, treatment absolutely free to patients. Spots are filling up quick!”

“Dear Robin,” Cyborg read from a piece of paper.

I’m sending you this email in regards to my son, Darren West. He has schizophrenia. He was recently a psychiatric patient at Jump City Hospital. We heard about a program called ‘Project: Duality’ that promises treatment for low income families. When we interviewed with the psychiatrist, Dr. Jack White, he denied us outright, even though my son is exactly the kind of patient Dr. White is looking for. While visiting my son one day, Darren revealed he talked to some of the other candidates to find out if they got accepted. Every one that did is an orphan.

Perhaps this means nothing. Perhaps Dr. White simply thought that because Darren has a family, he was more privileged than others. But I would not be doing my due diligence as a mother if I didn’t reach out to you. I find it suspicious. Any other information you need for your investigation, please don’t hesitate to ask.

Sincerely,

Angel West

“Well, here’s the tip off.”

“These look like applications,” Starfire showed the files she and Beast Boy were looking at. “They have names and patient numbers…” she gasped. “Look at this one!”

The young man’s portrait was on the top, black hair in two spit curls, blue eyes, and a simple smile.

“Name: Richard Grayson, Age: 17, Patient #: 8! This must be him!” She kept reading over the file. “Patient shows great physical strength and quick wit. Status of parents: Deceased. Interview with Dr. Jack White shows severe undiagnosed depression and suicidal ideation. Treatment prospects are good, and the patient is approved for Project: Duality.”

“Oh yeah, this has Slade written all over it,” Beast Boy said, looking at the other files. “This one kind of looks like Black, right?”

The photo attached to the top was a dark haired boy with a bowl cut, nervous smile, and blue eyes.

“Name: Justin Krieger, Age: 17, Patient #: 2. Patient shows great physical strength, but a prolonged thought process. Status of parents: Deceased. Initial diagnosis: extreme schizophrenia. Believes his father was Ed Gien, a serial killer that skinned his victims to make various crafts from them. Seems rather proud of this fact. Treatment prospects are good, and the patient is approved for Project: Duality.”

“Dude, they put someone with depression in treatment with a skin stealer?!”

“Excuse me,” the doctor spoke up. “I’m trying not to eavesdrop, but I overheard you mention Project: Duality.”

“What do you know about it?” Raven asked.

“Not a lot, honestly. I did hear about it from my colleagues in the psych ward though. Apparently, it was introduced by an adjunct psychiatrist, Dr. White, who was visiting from his psychiatric hospital. He got about twenty boys to volunteer for the project. One night, he escorted them all out to a van, and disappeared. When we went to the police, we found out there was no Dr. Jack White, there was no psych hospital, and none of the boys had any family to miss them. We’re all very upset about it, but the board is choosing to keep it quiet.”

“So this ‘Doctor’ just kidnaps twenty mentally ill teenagers and disappears off the face of the Earth?” Beast Boy shivered. “Sounds like the premise for a horror movie.”

“It does, doesn’t it?” The doctor blanched.

“Do you remember ever seeing this boy?” Raven held up Richard Grayson’s application.

“No, sorry. I’m a cardiac doctor. But I bet I know someone who might! Are we all done in here?”

“Yes sir, lead the way,” Cyborg said as Starfire and Beast Boy gathered all the notes.

He led them into the hospital and upstairs. When they were about to pass through some double doors, he warned, “please keep your voices down. Patients are trying to sleep.”

Inside, they led down a long hallway of patient rooms. The lights were dim, and it was quiet. He led them to a desk where a nurse sat.

She looked up at his approach. “Oh! Doctor Collins,” she said softly. “And…The Teen Titans? What’s this about?”

“This is Susan, head nurse of the Psych unit. Ask her.”

“Um,” Starfire started, holding up Richard’s file. “Have you seen this boy?”

“Oh!” She smiled at his photo. “Dickie Bird!” Then her smile faded as she looked over the application. “Is that…for Project: Duality?” Her voice warbled.

“Yes,” said Raven.

Susan put a hand to her mouth as her eyes welled up with tears. She blinked them away. “Of course I know him. Dickie was what we call a candy striper. It’s an old term for a volunteer. He um…” she sniffed, and wiped at her eye with a tissue. “He’d come here and volunteer on the weekends, the late night shift. He said he had experience from volunteering with his father at Arkham Asylum in Gotham. He was our best volunteer, and I kept trying to get him to come in more often because he just worked wonders with the patients. I had no idea he was suffering…” she put her head in her hands. “If I had known…and now…” she sighed. “I wondered what happened. He just…stopped coming in, months ago. I thought he got busy or it was something I did…”

“Please, Nurse Susan, do not blame yourself.”

“Oh,” Beast Boy dug around in the file for the application for Justin Krieger. “Does this guy look familiar?”

Her nose scrunched up in disgust. “Yes. I know him too. And…well, it’s not his fault. He’s not––” she realized it was another Project: Duality application and changed what she was going to say. “He was a very ill boy. When I heard of Project: Duality, I thought of him first. He needed treatment in a specialized facility, much more attention than we could give him here.”

“And um…if he was ever out on the streets, unmedicated?”

She shook her head. “Never. His group home dropped him off here after what he did to…his sister.” She winced. “I’m sorry, Titans. Heroes or not, I’ve said too much. Patient confidentiality.”

“Even after death?”

“I’m afraid so.”

The team shared a look, each asking the other, ‘what now?’

“Thank you for your time, Susan,” Raven said before departing.

As they walked back to the entrance, they pondered over what they had learned.

They never even knew Robin’s real name.

And now they were going to go home, where the monster lived.

The monster that killed him.

—

Black arose with a shout. That damned place, those damned memories. Echoes of the most vile of humans.

Where he was cleft in two.

He panted, looking around the room. Soft bed, soft light from a little night light in the corner. Brown walls, clean and not stained with blood and filth.

Titans Tower. His home, for now. As long as he behaved.

He sat up, sitting at the edge of the bed, his head throbbing. It was all too vivid, all too real, all too––

He nearly flipped his mattress to get to his stash. The baggy was nearly empty. He’d have to find a way to get more. He promised no more wild stunts, but if he stayed away from the Titan’s villains and went after petty criminals, they wouldn’t be too mad, would they?

It would be a smaller dose than normal. Maybe half. The effects would be…less than ideal. He should have paid better attention, but he never could.

He laid there for a while, letting it work. Smoothing the edges, easing the pain, quieting the voices.

Then he dressed for the day and strolled out to meet his friends.

The four Titans were all awake, sitting around the table, each with mugs. Coffee presumably.

“SUP NERDS?” He bellowed as he entered.

They all looked at him, different expressions of disgust and fear on their faces.

“Okay, if it’s about the bathroom, I can explain––”

Starfire was the first to fix her expression into something more friendly. After all, Black didn’t remember who he was, or who he used to be. “We merely had a long night. Did you sleep well, friend?”

“Ah…I had some nightmares. That’s pretty typical for me though. Can I have some coffee?”

“Knock yourself out,” Cyborg threw a thumb over to the counter where the pot sat.

“Much obliged!” He poured his mug and took a seat with them. “So, pardners, I’m fixin’ ta get out and visit some folks. Do one of you fellers or darlin’s wanna give me a lift inta town?”

“You’re not going anywhere,” Raven said crossly.

“Yeah, Justin Krieger!”

Black squinted slightly. “Who?”

“That’s you, dude! That’s your name!”

He scratched his cheek. “I never pictured myself as a Justin…I’m more of an Antonio, don’t you think?”

Beast Boy slapped the application down in front of him. “This is you, dude!”

Black rolled his eyes and picked up the application to better examine it.

The Titans all prepared to fight if this triggered his memory to return. But instead, Black squinted more. “No, that’s not me, but he looks familiar. He looks––” his eyes blew wide open and his breath got caught in his throat. He suddenly felt very ill and faint.

He pushed away from the table, running from that image to the nearest trash can, where he vomited. Vomited out that last little bit of his stash.

“I don’t want to see that face again,” he said, darkly.

“So…maybe this isn’t Black?” Beast Boy said after a moment. “But it has to be! Only one person survived!”

“I don’t know where you all were, or where you got that picture, but that is a can of worms you don’t want to open.” Reality crept like writhing tentacles at the edge of his vision.

Damn, his headache was back.

“And what would that be, exactly?” Cyborg egged him on.

Nausea quaked through him again, but he looked back up at Cyborg. “Hell.”

“We knew someone that went through it,” Raven urged. “Project: Duality. That’s where you lost your memories, isn’t it?”

Black shook his head. He didn’t have the stomach for this. He was too lucid for this. “Let me out of this damn tower.”

“Not until you tell us what you know!”

Black swallowed, heat burning on his face and behind his eyes. “Fine.” He started pacing back and forth, concentrating on those early memories. Those things that happened right after his birth. He gnashed his teeth as the poison burned his veins, as the laughter pelted against his psyche.

“I can’t,” he whispered, near breakdown. “I’m awake, and I don’t want to be.”

“What are you talking about?” Raven prodded. “Black, make some sense for once.”

“No! No no no no no!” He started hitting himself in the face. “Go to sleep go to sleep go to sleep!”

“What is wrong? Is it…too painful?” Starfire asked, resting a hand on his clammy skin.

Her touch burned. Hot like the needles. Hot like the knives. He screamed. He screamed loud and unrestrained. He screamed like the Masters were watching and laughing. He screamed like he was fighting for his life.

“IT HURTS! MY FACE! IT HURTS!”

Raven set her mouth into a tight line. “He’s having a traumatic flashback. I’m going to attempt to read his mind and see if I can glean anything from it.”

“You sure that’s a good idea?”

“No.” She closed her eyes. “Azarath, Metrion, Zinthos…” After only a second she startled back. “It’s no use. He’s…he’s insane. There’s no mind for me to grab onto!”

Black reached out, feeling his way around, gasping and sobbing all the way. “Cyborg! Cyborg please!”

Cyborg caught his hand. “What do you need?”

“Make it stop!” He cried. “Fentanyl! Morphine! I need an opioid!” He curled over as heat pulsed through his body. He’d burst into flames at any moment.

“Seriously dude?” Beast Boy asked. “All this drama for drugs?”

“We have a small amount of OxyContin for emergencies.”

“What?!” Beast Boy cried. “You’re going to indulge him?”

“He has an addiction! We cut him cold turkey, he could die!” Cyborg grabbed Black and threw him over his shoulder. “Come on, to the med bay with you.”

Black continued to cry as Cyborg took him down the hall. He continued to spiral as they dropped him onto the bed. He continued to hear the laughter as they gave him the pill and he drank with shaking hands.

15 minutes later, he was down to hiccups. The burning subsided. The days in his cell faded.

“Feeling better?” Cyborg asked.

Black turned to him with a smile. “So much better, my foiled wrapped chocolate bar.”

“I’m going to pretend like I didn’t hear that.”

“Well, if you’re feeling better, then we want answers,” Raven demanded. “Tell us about Project: Duality.”

Black stuck a pinky in his ear. “Look, it was an extremely painful experience. Why don’t you ask me questions about it, and if I remember it, I’ll tell you.”

Raven frowned. “Fine. What do you know about Jack White?”

“Doesn’t sound familiar.”

“Do you know who led the project?”

“Nope.”

“Do you know where it happened?”

“I think it was on the south side of town. I spend a lot of time there though.”

“Face it Rae, he’s clammed right up,” Cyborg sighed.

“One more question, Black, and then I’ll leave it for the day.”

“Shoot.”

“Do you know where they took the bodies of the people who died during the project?”

Black was quiet, gnawing on his tongue, then he begrudgingly answered, “I’ve already told you.”

“What does that mean?” Asked Beast Boy.

“Can I go now?” Black asked, impatient. “I have some appointments to make.”

“No,” Raven stated. “You’re a hazard. We have to keep you here.”

Black jutted out his jaw. “How much OxyContin do you have left?”

“Enough for a few days. But don’t worry. Now that we know you have a problem, we can help you get off of it.”

Black gnawed on his lip. That wasn’t good enough. He didn’t have an addiction. It was worse than that.

“Please, Friend Black, do you wish to partake in the creation of Arts and Crafts with me?”

He perked up. “Oh boy! Do you have macaroni noodles?”

“Indeed!”

After he and Starfire left, Raven looked meaningfully at Beast Boy. “Can you translate the rest of Robin’s videos?”

“I’ll do my best.”

—

Raven, Cyborg, and Beast Boy returned to the ops room and loaded up the three remaining messages.

“You can keep what you want. I want none of this. They're just bad memories I don't want.”

“That one is ‘I Want None of This.’”

“You possess me. You're there again, ahead of me and I won't let go. I won't let go. You're inside my head…inside my head…inside my head…inside my head.”

“‘Inside My Head’, kinda obvious.”

Then, they watched again as the boy they thought was Black crept across the floor, smiling in a horrible way. He poked Robin, curious.

“Don’t touch him,” Cyborg growled.

“I…I want his face.”

Raven turned her face away. All that was important was the sounds. She didn’t need to watch.

“I want the toys of other boys. I want a knife and a gun and things. But mom and dad will not give in…and I can't put the needle in.”

Beast Boy frowned, taking out his ipod. “I don’t know that one off the top of my head.”

Raven ended the video, not wanting to watch more than she had too. Then both she and Cyborg watched Beast Boy as he scrolled through his song list.

“Wait, are these CDs out here?” Cyborg pointed to their media shelves.

“Oh, yeah, the band is Radiohead. This sounds like their earlier stuff.”

Cyborg and Raven went to the shelves and found Robin’s section, and then the band in question. Thankfully, the CDs all had the song listings on the back.

“I don’t know if this is the right song, but there’s one called ‘Faithless Boy Wonder’,” Raven pointed out.

“Let me listen,” Beast Boy found the track, listened for a moment, then frowned. “Yeah, that’s it.”

“So, I want none of this inside my head, Faithless Boy Wonder? That’s the message? What does it mean?” Cyborg asked.

“We know they were poisoning the patients, maybe that’s what he was trying to say. And give us a reminder that he really is Robin.”

“Makes the most sense. You ready for the next one, Beast Boy?”

“Yeah, hit me.”

When the video started, they remembered how things changed. There were less boys, and they were sitting around, watching him. Listening to him.

“You follow me around. You follow me around.”

“‘Follow Me Around’. Luckily, some of these are easier to pick out than others.”

In the video, one of the boys on the bed started coughing and crying.

Beast Boy whined. “Can we skip over this part? It was traumatic enough the first time.”

Cyborg agreed and scrubbed the video forward.

“Even though I might, even though I try, I can't.”

“The song is ‘I Can’t.’ And I think it's the last one he sings in this one. So the message is ‘Follow Me Around, I Can’t.’”

“Easy,” deduced Raven. “He can’t investigate or communicate because he’s being followed.”

“So he just has to survive,” Cyborg sighed. “And even then…”

“There’s one more,” Raven reminded.

“Isn’t there two? Not including the one Gizmo’s working on.”

“I thought we established that the last one wasn’t Robin.”

“Would you like to hear my theory?” Raven asked, one eyebrow raised.

“Yes please.”

“If Robin created this code made up of songs, and sung them on tape, I think he may have practiced. In that last video, a bunch of boys were gathered around to listen. I think he sang often. If he practiced the code in order enough times, the boy in the last video, Black or not, may have just repeated it after hearing it so many times.”

“That’s a nice theory, Raven, but I don’t know,” Cyborg shrugged.

“Let’s decode this second to last one, and then we’ll try that one and see if there’s any message there.”

When they started up the last video, they all grimaced as they remembered how it started. An empty room, covered in filth. Robin was sobbing.

This was the video where he—

“I don’t know if I––”

“We must, Beast Boy,” Raven insisted. “Robin took the time and effort to send us these messages, we have the obligation to find out what he was going to say.”

“Can we stop before the ending?” He begged.

“Yes,” said Cyborg. “I can’t watch that again.”

They pressed play, listening to their friend, their brother, weeping. They hadn’t ever heard Robin cry. Shout, scream, yell, yes…but never weep.

“I will…Lay me down…In a bunker underground. I won't let this happen to my children…”

“Oh…” Beast Boy moaned. “This is ‘I Will’.”

They watched with disgust as the other boy pet Robin’s head with his blood stained hands. Then Robin raised his head and looked at the camera.

“I wish I had seen his eyes before, and not like this,” Cyborg lamented.

“Don't hurt me…don't hurt me…don't hurt me…don't hurt me.”

Beast Boy sighed as he covered his face. “‘Give Up The Ghost’.”

“Every day every hour…I wish that I was bulletproof.”

Cyborg stopped the video there, cutting off the attack at the end.

“‘Bulletproof…I wish I was’.”

“I will give up the ghost, Bulletproof…I wish I was?” Cyborg put together. “So…”

“He knew he was going to die. But he thought he was going to be shot.”

“So this message was…wrong. Slightly wrong.” Raven scowled. “Then we’re back to nothing.”

“Beast Boy, you want to rewatch the last one?”

“I don’t need to. First song was ‘Cotton-Eyed Joe’, which isn’t a Radiohead song anyways, so it breaks the code, and the second song is ‘Karma Police’. I don’t see any message. I thought maybe it would continue from the last one.”

“Maybe it does,” Cyborg poised. “We won’t know until Gizmo recovers it.”

“If he recovers it.”

#fanfiction #teen titans #tt animated #starfire #robin #beast boy #cyborg #teen titans 2003 #paint it black

3 notes · View notes

the-foolish-scholar · 1 year

Text

Strength

Okay so I actually designed the card above myself! I was sitting in a lecture and heard my professor share the proverb that’s on the card and I got inspired to make it. One day, I will design my own deck, but I’m in no rush to complete that project. Anyhoo, The Strength card is the ninth card of the Major Arcana. In traditional depictions of the card, we see a woman controlling a powerful lion. The woman is dressed in a white robe, representing her purity of spirit. The robe is accompanied by both a belt and a crown of flowers which remind querents of the beauty and balance of nature. Above the woman’s head rests an infinity symbol, symbolizing her infinite potential and wisdom. The woman controls the lion not by force, but by compassion and care. She looks down upon it with a warm smile, petting it. This imagery teaches us that we may tame our passions and channel the energy from them into achieving our desires. Not with force or coercion, but with emotional strength, trust, and patience.

Earlier today (I started writing this yesterday, I’m too lazy to edit it) I had my first class through the University of El Salvador. I will continue to have class on Saturdays up until late October as I was invited to participate in this certificate program being held by faculty from a few different departments at the national university. God willing, I will have a certificate in the political history of El Salvador in about seven months. I’m extremely thankful and I’m still in shock that this is happening.

I never planned on enrolling in a formal course while I was here, nonetheless a certificate program! But, I came across this post on Facebook advertising the program and it piqued my interest:

I tried to fill out the form to apply but it was already closed due to a high volume of applicants. Accepting my losses, I reached out to the email provided in the post and asked if the coordinator of the program would be able to send me some recommended readings since I would not be able to participate in the program. Within less than an hour, I got a response. They told me that they would gladly share some sources with me—and that if I wanted, they could potentially share them with me as a student in the class! They reopened the link so that I could apply!

I was ecstatic. I couldn’t believe how much luck was on my side. I quickly filled out the form and sent an email back thanking them for giving me the opportunity.

The next day I got a message telling me I was accepted. I was over the moon but also a little bit nervous to now have this new responsibility. The coordinator of the program sent me the link I needed to access the course along with my log in credentials. They also filled me in on the structure of our first class so that I would be prepared. I expressed how I worried about my language abilities impacting my ability to perform well in the course, but they assured me that I would get the hang of academic talk as time went on and told me to not worry. It’s like I’m taking a political science class but all in Spanish… A challenge, but one I’m up for!

On the day of class I logged on with a cup o’ joe and a sticky note with a meticulously edited blurb I intended to read to introduce myself to the class with. The faculty began to introduce themselves and discuss the importance of the program. After they all had introduced themselves, the coordinator of the program began their presentation.

I was so thankful to have the slides, as they spoke so fast. This is their second time running this program and boy is it comprehensive. The course’s methodology is made up by live lectures, pre-recorded lectures, auditory and visual media, and readings. As students, we’ll be expected to work in groups and hold debates in class. And, we’ll be expected to complete homework, which I believe to be short essays, along with a final project. If I’m being honest, I have no idea how I’m going to do it all. I just know that, somehow, I will.

There are seven units. The first is a general overview of El Salvador’s political history along with an analysis of Salvadoran society. From there, we’ll learn about the origin of the territory and the lives of the first peoples in the pre-Columbian era. The third unit covers the colonization of the indigenous from their perspective, which I am really excited to learn about as history rarely represents such perspectives—like the quote on the tarot card I designed explains! The course will then go on to cover Central America’s independence and the construction of the Salvadoran state. In the fifth unit, we’ll take a deep dive into the structure of the coffee republic and the peasant organizing that took place in response to the oppression during the time period (for more details on this, refer to my post titled The Magician). We’ll then learn about the military dictatorships and the civil war, closing out the program discussing the post war period, neoliberalism, and contemporary politics.

After we finished learning about the course, it was time for the students to introduce themselves. I had done so many mindfulness exercises to try and stay calm but the nerves kicked in. I was so afraid of fucking up. The coordinator of the program called out names and I kept wondering when it was going to be my turn.

About halfway through, they called on me. I felt like I was going to die. I turned on my camera and microphone and spit out what I had prepared. It was definitely far from my best (albeit more regular) pronunciation, but nevertheless, I did it. I’m pretty sure everyone could tell how nervous I was, but I tried my best to appear like I was relaxed. I’m the only non-native speaker in the class after all!

We were supposed to bring up a historical figure that we were interested with/that we identified with and I brought up Patricia Puertas, a peasant organizer and martyr who knew Rutilio Grande (the first priest to be assassinated for speaking out against injustice). Faculty were impressed with my reference of her, which made me feel proud of myself, as she’s one of the lesser known figures in Salvadoran history. Below I've included a collage that was made, with all of the historical figures that were brought up by my fellow classmates:

I know about her because a theologian who’s work I’ve read mentioned her and because last year when I was here on a delegation with CIS, we went to a meeting with a group of organizers that named their group after her.

I never felt more relieved to turn off my camera and my microphone in my life after I was finished speaking. I hadn’t been in a situation where the pressure was on like that in quite some time. I thought about how all of the international students that I’d met at Miami went through the same thing; and I felt so much empathy for them in that moment. What a stressful way to get an education!

But, I did it once, so I can surely do it again. I’ll get more comfortable and I’ll get better at speaking like an academic in Spanish sooner rather than later.

I think that it’s just frustrating because while I have all of this knowledge and things I want to express I have a limited capacity for saying it in Spanish, which I assume makes me come off as unqualified and less intelligent than I actually am. But people ought to understand that, and if they don’t, well I don’t care what others think of me that much at the end of the day.

Participating in this is also a good way to dip my toes into continuing my education abroad, as I’m considering getting my masters either here or in another Latin American country. If I choose to go down that route, having this experience under my belt will surely help me be more confident and capable down the line.

While I’ve been jumping all over the place in terms of next steps, I’m pretty sure that I want to pursue a masters in sociology (and eventually a doctorate, fingers crossed) keeping a focus on religion and social movements.

After class got out I kind of just lounged around. I watched Succession and I read for pleasure. I was really tired so I kept dozing in and out of sleep. I wanted to go out but I was too worn out.

Today, as it is now Sunday, Palm Sunday to be specific, I woke up early. At 5:00 AM. I went to mass with the Italians and my landlord at 6:00 AM. There was such a huge turn out. I was surprised to see so many people that early. I cannot imagine how big the crowds got at the later masses. The Italians participated in a procession outside, but I chose to stick with the landlord and we attended mass inside of the church.

We bought palms, or ramos, from vendors on the street and then grabbed a spot in a pew near the back of the church. We got pelted with holy water which gave me the boost I needed since I had not had the chance to drink any coffee beforehand. I noticed that all of the religious figures in the church that were not Jesus, except for a portrait of Saint Romero, were covered in purple cloth. I didn’t realize that was a tradition and I’ll be spending the rest of the afternoon looking into the ritual and its purpose. The homily was rather traditional, but the priest did condemn economic injustice. After communion was passed out, we dipped, getting back home a little after 7:00 AM.

I lounged around in bed for a bit. When the Italians came home we briefly discussed the differences in homilies between both of our masses. I was running out the door to head to a café to write this post and conduct some secondary research but I was intrigued by where the conversation was heading. We agreed to discuss more later. And that’s pretty much it when it comes to what I did this weekend?

I had a delicious traditional breakfast complete with scrambled eggs with ham, refried beans, cheese, plantains, and bread. The coffee at this place I’ve been going to never disappoints either. It’s cheaper than any of the chains and they give you a good portion. I’m cashing out here and then I’m gonna sneak into a hotel pool nearby.

Oh, also, when I was at the UCA on Monday I was a guest speaker in Tizziana’s classes. In her beginner class I discussed why I had decided to learn Spanish and then I encouraged them to speak without fear of making mistakes, as it’s better to make a connection and share one’s perspective than to sit in silence. In the upper level class we had a more in depth discussion about language exchange and life in the United States. Tizziana had to leave the advanced class early but I stayed with the students and that’s where the fun really started. Let’s just say that I’ve given them some new vocabulary and gained a fair amount of followers on Instagram. And I also got to teach both classes some mindfulness exercises!!!

Okay, I’m signing off. Thanks for reading! I hope you all had a great weekend.

youtube

#Youtube

4 notes · View notes

sodapoprp · 2 months

Note

I like the idea of optional shippers. Having a simple profile application process is nice, especially for how leisurely it sounds like you want this forum to be.

Just to clarify, this will be a forum where accounts are per-character? That's what the preview graphics suggest (which are so cute btw). Would it be possible to have a pre-release breakdown of all the sections of the profile/app requirements so we can start planning our character apps?

Yes, accounts will be per-character however some canon doubles will be permitted on a case-by-case basis. Generally a canon double will be accepted if there is a major difference between the "same" canons, such as different designs i.e. male/female.

As for a breakdown of the profile-app, it is placed below the cut. Officially only 'SECTION ONE' is required for a character to be accepted but all sections are included for those interested in filling those out too.

Hopefully everything is coherently explained, if not send a message so it can be adjusted to be more clearly understood. As this is how it is written in the guidebook for the 'App Guide' section. In addition the 'Shipper' isn't include as it is optional and straightforward in what is to be written.

**SECTION ONE**

CHARACTER'S NAME: Your character’s birth name or the name they commonly use.

CHARACTER'S AGE: Your character’s age. (in letters or numbers)

CHARACTER'S PRONOUNS: Your character’s preferred pronouns.

CHARACTER'S SPECIES: Your character’s species. CHARACTER'S NICKNAMES: Nicknames your character uses or other character’s use for them.

CHARACTER'S TITLE(S): Any titles they have, this is different from nicknames.

CHARACTER SUMMARY: A small two to four sentences about your character.

CHARACTER FACE CLAIM: This is for OCs that have a Faceclaim, if yours is a canon character or not using a FC then write ‘N/A’ or ‘NONE’ instead.

CHARACTER SOURCE: Your character’s source material. For OCs, if your character is specific to a fandom write ‘FANDOM NAME (OC)’. If it’s completely original, original character or oc is fine.

CHARACTER'S ALIGNMENT: Your character’s alignment (Lawful..., Neutral..., Chaotic...).

STRENGTH PERCENTAGE: On a scale of 0 to 100, how physically strong is your character? 100 being extremely powerful.

INTELLIGENCE PERCENTAGE: On a scale of 0 to 100, how smart is your character? 100 being extremely smart.

CHARISMA PERCENTAGE: On a scale of 0 to 100, how likable is your character? 100 being extremely charming.

CHARACTER'S APPEARANCE: This is where you describe how your character looks like or tell us any distinguishing features they may have. Another option you can do is list out aesthetics that correspond with your character.

**SECTION TWO**

CHARACTER’S POSITIVES: This is where you list some positive personality traits or describe positive aspects about your character. There is no set number you need to meet so feel free to include as many as you like.

CHARACTER’S NEGATIVES: This is where you list some negative personality traits or describe negative aspects about your character. There is no set number you need to meet so feel free to include as many as you like.

INVENTORY: This is where anything your character has on their person or uses, this can also include pets.

SKILLS: This is where you tell us or list off any abilities your character may have. Note that if your character doesn’t have abilities you’re free to put any mundane skills they have. (ex: can cook, marathon runner)

CHARACTER’S WANTS: This is where you list or describe your character’s desires/wishes. There is no set number you need to meet so feel free to include as many as you like.

CHARACTER'S FEARS: This is where you list or describe your character’s worries/phobias. There is no set number you need to meet so feel free to include as many as you like.

**SECTION THREE**

FREEFORM TRIGGER WARNINGS: Any warnings other players should know before reading your character’s freeform section.

FREEFORM: This section is meant to give more insight into your character so you are free to use it how you like, there is no right or wrong way to do this part nor has a required length. Some ideas that can be done here is a simple bio, listing other characters' relationship with your character or even writing down headcanons. If you want to write a traditional ‘shipper/plotter’ there is a template that can be found here and can be posted here. (this is optional).

#answered #updates

1 note · View note

just6f · 10 months

Text

BUY BILLIARD BALLS COLORFUL WALL CLOCK TODAY AT THE LOWEST PRICE AROUND We've slashed prices on our Billiard Balls Colorful Wall Clock! Get yours now for a 18% discount while they remain in stock! Act now and buy for just $40.80! Our store is the leading destination for Home Decoration items. So, enjoy our worldwide shipping and easy return policy for risk-free shopping. BILLIARD BALLS COLORFUL WALL CLOCK FEATURES Material: Acrylic Diameter: 30cm Dimensions: 300mm Feature: Antique style Body Material: Plastic In other words, this great product can become the exact thing that you have been looking for all this time. So, don’t hesitate - it’s high time to act. PRODUCT QUESTIONS & ANSWERS Can you guarantee that your goods are so much better than in other stores? As we know it from our personal research and buyers’ feedback, currently, no other supplier freely provides any Billiard Balls Colorful Wall Clock with identical value for money. I got a question about the quality of your Decor Modern Wall Watch? Can I be sure it won’t fall apart in my hands, hurt me or something? Our number-one priority is the safety and security of our clients. We use only high-quality materials to produce our products. So, there is no reason to worry about the quality of the Billiard Balls Colorful Wall Clock. Are there any additional fees applied? If there are extra fees or taxes to pay, you’ll see them on checkout. However, aside from this, you don’t need to make any additional payments. Is it tax free? Or do I have to pay extra? Taxation is defined by your location. Therefore, you will see the tax value (if applicable) on the checkout page that shows the total cost of your order. I would like to provide your future customers with a review of this product. Is it OK? We’re always happy to see our clients spreading the word about our store on the Internet, so feel free to write a review too! Is there some positive feedback about your Decor Modern Wall Watch? All the strengths of this item can be found in the Feedback section filled with our previous customers’ reviews. Since this product is much-loved, there are lots of comments to rely on. ORDERING & STORE POLICIES I want to send this item to someone else. So can you deliver to this person’s address? It doesn’t make a difference which address you’re going to indicate. Because we will arrange the delivery to any address you specify. What do you do to make sure nothing happens to the Decor Modern Wall Watch during shipping? We take packing responsibly since it’s one of the most crucial aspects of online shopping. So, you have nothing to worry about! How many of these are available for purchase? The number of these items in stock goes down every day as this is quite a demanded offer. However, there should be enough products for you to buy in case you place your order today. How to order? Click on the Color you want to buy, then click ADD TO CART button. After that, you will need to indicate your first and second names, address, etc., and pay for the order. Then relax and wait! We will do everything possible to send your package in the shortest time. Can I go out and buy the Decor Modern Wall Watch in a mall or supermarket? As a rule, offline stores put higher prices on these and similar products. Moreover, the number of variations they offer can be quite limited. Lots of stores sell similar stuff. So why would I order from you? Our team aims to provide customer support of the highest quality and make you genuinely happy with the purchase! https://just6f.com/billiard-balls-colorful-wall-clock-pool-snooker-sports-clock-pool-hall-game-room-decor-modern-wall-watch-billiard-players-gift/?feed_id=5666&_unique_id=64f5b504d12e6

0 notes

s-o-a-p-ing · 2 years

Text

ACTS S.O.A.P. ~ CHAPTER 9

Friday, 12/23/22

My apologies for the "lateness" this morning... thawing out, I s'pose...

SCRIPTURE:

So Ananias went and found Saul. He laid his hands on him and said, “Brother Saul, the Lord Jesus, who appeared to you on the road, has sent me so that you might regain your sight and be filled with the Holy Spirit.” ~ Acts of the Apostles 9:17

OBSERVATION:

I'm not sure if I hear of "this" Anania again after this...

...which may be the point...

His obedience, despite his fear - and his "anonymity" big picture-speaking - had an impact way beyond what he could have imagined...

...and his trust on the Lord's power and not his own abilities, being a messenger so that Saul/Paul "might regain [his]sight and [might] be filled with the Holy Spirit..."

Who are those around me that I can be used to bring to others sight and filling?

...and, maybe more importantly, who are the Ananias-es in my life trying to show me what I need to do in order that I, too, might see and be Spirit-filled?

APPLICATION:

Look for the hard-things He "offers" - and step into them...

Lay my hands on these things - literally and figuratively - beyond just words...

Accept the laying on of hands and those He sends into my life to regain my sight and footing and filling...

PRAYER:

Father God Almighty - forgive my selfish self-sufficiency - my "know-it-all-ness" that sometimes fails to see the works of others in my life as You working in them to remove the scales from the eyes of my heart... May Your Spirit continue to work in them and in me to see Your kingdom as You have made it, and not as how I want to see it... Fill, me, Father, as You filled Your Son, so that my will and weaknesses become Your will and strength... In Jesus's Name, and for Your glory and praiseful worship...

Hope you'all're getting excited about celebrating Jesus's coming... and coming again...

In Him, with joy and gratitude and anticipation...

<))><

#Acts #Acts 9 #Ananias

0 notes

scaramouche-bully · 3 years

Note

THAT POST ABOUT OVERSTIM MADE ME REALIZE HOW MUCH I WANT TO DESTROY CHILDE HELP. CAN U WRITE SMTH WHERE HIS S/O USUALLY BOTTOMS BUT WANTS TO TRY TOPPING HIM AND HE JUST KEEPS TRYING TO FLUSTER HER AND TEASE HER AND SHE GETS SO ANNOYED THAT SHE JUST FUCKS HIM STUPID 💕💕

— ☆ Wrecking T*rtaglia headcanons

Includes: Childe

[ Top ] Female reader

Contains: Overstimulation, bratty sub, mind break, sub space, aphrodisiacs, anal gaping, dacryphilia, degradation, size kink, slapping, choking, cock-stepping, humiliation, rough sex, stomach bulge, multiple orgasms, masochism + sadism.

— ☆ Overstimulation headcanons - Xiao, Childe, and Scaramouche 🐏 [ GN ]

— ☆ Bratty Sub headcanons - Kaeya, Diluc, Xiao, and Childe 🐑 [ GN ]

[ masterlist ]

Welcome to the "Bully T*rtaglia" club, we are currently taking applications (u‿ฺu✿ฺ). My original draft was sweet but then my computer crashed and I lost everything. So I'm going to channel all my anger into destroying this man (consensually, I promise the ending is soft.).

— ☆ Childe

When you bring up the idea of you topping him, he doesn't take you seriously but he's open to it. While he thinks it's cute that you want to try new things, he's so much bigger than you, and being on top is actually a lot of work compared to being a pillow princess. Are you sure you can handle it?

One of the big issues that came up during your first times was Childe's competitive nature and how fast his recovery time was. He could have came three times and then suddenly flip you on your back and fuck your brains out instead.

Even when he had the patience to be the sub, he would constantly taunt you and be an insufferable brat. Constantly disrespecting you and trying to fluster you. Always reaching down to finger fuck you even when he was stuffed full.

So the next time you brought him a drink, you decided to add something extra. Sitting patiently as he thanked you and downed the entire cup. It only took a few minutes before he began to squirm in his seat.

Childe's face was slowly growing redder and redder, soft pants breaking through the quiet office, his eyes darting to you before settling on the ground. It was amusing seeing him be so quiet rather than running his mouth off every minute. It's only when you start to walk over him in feign concern does he break out of his haze.

Stumbling over himself as he makes wild hand gestures to stop you but as soon as you round his desk, you see his cock straining against his pants, and the embarrassment flood Childe's face. Trying to laugh it off, you're just so pretty he can't help himself, but he's quickly cut off when you prop yourself up onto his desk and step on his cock.

"W-Wait-" Childe groans as his hips buck into your shoe as he grinds against it. Clutching the hand rests of his chair as he leans his head against your knee, soft keens slipping out as you run your fingers through his matted hair as he humps against you. He makes a confused noise when you suddenly tip his chin up, smile sweetly at him, before he's sprawled on the ground as you slap him.

"When did I say you could touch me?" you shot him a cruel look that sent shudders up his spine but also made his cock throb. Whatever you fed him was slowly making him lose his senses until there was just you, you, you. He whines, still on his back, when you take a seat in his chair and dig your shoe onto his dick, randomly applying pressure here and there, his pre-cum wetting his pants as he yelps at the pain. His hands flying up to lift your foot away but he catches himself as chooses to claw his fingers into the wooden flooring instead as he reaches his peak. It's so empowering seeing the man who used to fuck you stupid, whimper and cry as he cums in his pants just from you stepping on his dick.

"P-Please...ah! mm...wha?" Childe looks down confused to see that even after just orgasming, his cock is still hard. His body is so hot that if he doesn't cum again, he feels like he's going to die. He's tries to lift himself onto his elbows and unbutton his pants before you kick him in the chest and send him back down. He's disorientated from the fall when he feels you sit on his chest, cupping his face in your hands to lift him, before slamming his head down. You're almost ripping his hair out with every yank and slap you abuse him with as he yelps like a dog.

"You filthy whore. Did I say you could cum? You ungrateful brat," you spit out as Childe wails in pain, almost knocking you off when he seizes up and shakes. You don't even need to check to know he came again, "Maybe I should gag you and throw you onto the streets. Let everyone here know how much of a pig you are. Is that it what you want?"

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry-" his voice is choked up from his tears as he cries over himself. You almost feel bad but he's basically useless in this state, sniffling over himself as he apologizes over and over again. You softly coo at him as you lean over and kiss him sweetly, taking his arms and placing them on your waist as he grips onto you like a lifeline.

"There there Childe. It's alright now, we're going to teach you how to be a good boy. That's what you want right?" you whisper to him as he nods. You pull yourself up even as he grips onto your clothing to stay with him as you unclasp the buttons of his pants and free his cock. Still red and hard in your hands as if he hadn't already orgasmed twice in the span of a few minutes. He's already so wet with pre-come that you don't even need to find lube to jack him off. Ignoring his moans and screams to stop, he's still sensitive, you take him to the hilt in your mouth. Quickly pinning his hips from jerking upwards and choking you, you're the image of content as you swallow around his cock as Childe throws his head back and sobs as he cums down your throat.

“Pl-please, please, mmn- put it in me, please…” he manages to pant you, his mind melted as his eyes blink in and out of consciousness. His body is still burning hot and he can't escape the feeling of being empty. He wants to be filled with your cock, stuffed fill until he can't live without being fucked by you. You've completely ruined him.

"It seems we still have a long way to go. You really are a disappointment Childe," you sigh as you wipe away the stray cum dripping from your mouth as you reach over and feed it to him. He whines low in the throat at tasteing himself but feeling you touch him in some way is the only thing grounding him before you pull away and stand up, "Go on. Finger yourself open for me."

"W-Wha?"

"Childe. I said. Finger yourself open. I won't repeat myself again."

He quickly nods, not ready to disobey you again, as he lifts himself up to get his pants fully off. He knows what you want and it makes the fire in him burn hotter. Using his own pre-come with shaky hands, he reaches over to hold his legs up for you, and circles around his rim before dipping inside. The embarrassment of holding himself open like this and your watchful gaze almost has him cumming again but he can't. He wants to be good. He does his best to spread himself open at this awkward angle but he soon loses himself. He should feel ashamed for getting off on someone watching him but it makes him finger himself deeper and harder. He's taken out of his pleasurable moment when he feels your hand join his. Taking one hand as you spread his ass to see his loose hole. The pre-cum from his cock slowly leaking down. You're absentmindedly lacing your fingers inside him, before pulling both your hands out as you line your strap on to his rim. He didn't even notice you put it on.

"Did you know I had to fake every orgasm because you were such a sloppy fuck? Perhaps I should show you how to fuck someone properly," is the only warning he gets before you grip his hips until your fingernails draw blood, before slamming into him. He throws his head back and chokes on his screams as his cock shoots cum all over his chest.

"Who said you could come?" you spit out as you grip his cock and squeeze harshly as he screams. The overstimulation is too much, it hurts. He's desperately trying to push you away but whatever strength he built is lost. Only able to lay there and take it. He looks down to see his stomach bulge with every thrust you make, the image of you rearranging his insides sends him flying as he tries to cum again but the death grip you have on him, he just can't. He's full-on sobbing as you continue to abuse his prostate, he's going to break, you're breaking him.

"nO! P-PLEASE! STO-" he begging as you continue to pound into him. You push even further, until your cock fully inside him now, and stay there rubbing right up against his prostate. Watching amused as Childe tries to shudder to the large intrusion, the never-ending pressure on his sensitive spots makes him almost feral. You swear he has hearts in his eyes right now.

"Pleasepleaseplease-"

You pull out slowly, just until the tip is inside him, before gripping his wrists as leverage and ruthless slamming into him. Childe parts his hips in a voiceless cry as you finally break his mind and fuck him dumb. He scrambles against the floor as he tries to find anything to ground him, trying to fuck himself back on your cock as he drools all over the floor. His vision leaves him as all his senses focused on the harsh drag of your cock in him, the wet slapping noise that fills the room, and the tears that slip from his eyes down to the floor. His cock throbs with each thrust you force into his body, thighs jerking, as his tongue lolls out.

"Oh!--mh, m-more!" Childe babbles deliriously, he's being reduced to nothing but a warm hole for you to fill whenever you feel like it. Reduced from a harbinger to a whore for you to use. He feels the breath get punched out of his lungs as his abdomen stretches and burns. His hole clenching around your dick that you have to forcefully yank him down to stuff him, "Hahh, you're tearing me o-open."

"You disgusting whore. Can you feel it?" you mock as you take one hand to spread his ass apart, you see his hole is red and puffy, pre-cum from his semi-hard cock leaking down where you're both connected. He shudders that you've fucked him so bad that his hole is gaping. It's when you reach over and clasp both of your hands around his neck and squeeze that he comes crashing down. Wheezing at the lack of oxygen that makes him see white, he feels so warm and content, mind filled with bliss, as he cums. Waves upon waves of pleasure crash into him as his cock finally softens as he relaxes and drifts off into space before slowly losing consciousness.

--- You slowly blink awake to soft kisses being placed on your neck, Childe's lazy form cuddled up to you as you stroke his hair. He's always so clingy the morning after. "Are you feeling alright? I was a bit mean wasn't I?" you ask a bit embarrassed as memories of last night flood your mind. You know you both agreed on what your limits were but you couldn't help but feel a bit worried you may have pushed him too far. Childe props himself on his elbow to smile dumbly at you, you were perfect.

"It was alright I suppose," he chuckles when you lightly punch him in the chest, "I didn't think you would try and drug me like that. You know I could get you arrested for that. " "Ha! Good luck finding someone that will fulfill your perverted fantasies. Besides you're the one that wanted to experiment with them and don't phrase it like that either," you shake your head at him before leaning up to kiss him. When you pull away you take notice of all the bruises and marks you left on him. There's a small part of you that purrs at the claim you made but you quickly shoo it away. It's too early for that. If your back is hurting you have no idea how Childe is faring. "Here, let me get you some water and let me see your head," you offer, pulling yourself up before Childe's arm wraps around you and pulls you down to lay beside him. Placing his weight on top of you so you can't squirm away, even as you swat at his back he smothers you until you give up.

"Stay with me."

"Hah...alright. Just for a bit."

#genshin #genshin impact #genshin smut #genshin impact smut #childe smut #genshin x reader #genshin impact x reader #genshin headcanons #genshin impact headcanons #childe x reader #genshin impact childe x reader #childe headcanons #childe imagines #genshin impact childe #genshin childe x reader

3K notes · View notes

hualianff · 3 years

Text

Vampire/Human AU

(Slight NSFW, angst)

Thinking about vampire HC who owns a vampire-friendly bar with humans who apply as donors to supply fresh blood for vampires willing to pay the expensive prices. When a human with beautiful amber eyes, soft facial features, and blood that smells absolutely delectable, walks in, every vampire whips their heads towards the door. The human approaches one of the staff, YY, to inquire about becoming a donor. HC watches as the enticing morsel follows YY into a room to finalize his application.

Right after the human leaves thirty minutes later–YY probably having said it would take a few days to find him a match–HC pulls YY aside, demanding to have a look over the papers the new donor filled out. After a quick scan, HC shoves the papers back to YY with a click of his tongue,

“No need to find him a match. He’s mine.”

A human whose blood smells heavenly, who has never been bitten or even nipped by a vampire. HC wants to corrupt him. Ruin him.

The next night, HC has the human, XL, meet him in his personal feeding room. There’s a luxurious velvet couch to the side, a pristine glass table with fancy wine and glasses, and a king-sized bed with crimson silk laid upon the mattress.

HC, like most vampires, typically feeds while stimulating their donors. This can be done with something as simple as kissing or full-on intercourse. Not only does this relax the human’s nerves so they won’t tense up before being bitten, but the toxins injected into their system after being bitten feels incredibly euphoric, serving as a kind of aphrodisiac. Many humans donate their blood in this way for the sole reason of attaining this heightened sense of pleasure.

But as soon as XL enters the room in front of HC, his mind freezes as he sees the bed.

“I’m a virgin,” he blurts out, wide eyes panicked as he looks at the vampire. HC raises his eyebrow, unperturbed.

“We can work with that.”

XL gulps.

“I’ve also never kissed anyone.”

HC runs a tongue along his sharp fangs.

“Do you want to change that?” The vampire asks, walking up behind the human, pressing his chest against XL’s back. HC hears XL’s heart rate pick up at the proposition. It’s an unspoken yes, though XL also imperceptibly nods his head. He does not see HC’s lips spread into a vicious grin. However, XL does feel lips brush against the shell of his ear, sending shivers down his spine.

“Use your words, precious. Do you want to be kissed? Want to be touched, experience pleasure beyond comprehension?” HC murmurs, skimming his lips across XL’s nape. “I can fuck you too. Push into your little body as I sink my fangs into your neck. I’d place them right here-“ HC taps XL’s jugular, the human jerking to the side with a gasp. “-oh? So sensitive. All the better. I can make you feel so good.”

XL’s breath quickens, ever so slightly leaning back into HC’s tall frame. HC leans forward to catch a glimpse of those doe eyes regarding him with caution. Oh, how he wants to eat this human alive. HC turns XL around by his shoulders. He lowers his head to bump foreheads with XL, forcing the human to look into his red-tinged eyes.

“Is that a yes?”

XL blinks those doe eyes once, then twice.

“Yes.”

HC brings his hand up to brush a hair away from the human’s head.

“Wonderful.”

***

XL is at the point in his life when he lost everything. He chose to pursue a career outside of his parents’ embroidery business despite being expected to take over the shop after college. Abandoning college altogether, XL went off on his own to chase his dream to become a singer.

A few years later, where XL was provinces away from home, XL’s parents’ business had gone under, devastating them as they could no longer pay for their medical bills. Upon hearing the news, XL rushed back home to take care of them. It seemed they had kept their declining health conditions under wraps. They were too prideful to admit their weakening physical states; they also did not want to guilt XL into giving up on his ambitions to take care of them.

XL’s parents lasted one year before passing away, his father first due to prostate cancer, his mother one month later after succumbing to exhaustion and grief. XL lost their home along with the shop merely a week later, unable to pay off the debt. His parents had used up their savings for their medical expenses and XL had been scraping by as a musician for years. Additionally, there was no one he could confide in. He had lost contact with his friends as he moved from city to city, busking on streets, attempting to catch the attention of music labels.

XL was utterly alone. There were days when not even music could bring an ounce of comfort. However, music was the thing that kept him sane between the various side jobs he managed to pick up to keep him off the streets.

As if the fates decided XL had had enough bad luck for a lifetime, a CEO of a fairly well-known label offered him a business card after a busking session. It was JW of Capital Records who gave XL hope of achieving his dream. XL spent most of his late 20s under the label, training and practicing and producing. He had the chance to record a couple of singles and one mini-album–which he didn’t get to participate much in the production side–but other than that, XL didn’t make it far. He was tremendously overworked and yet, still discarded to the side.

Wondering why he wasn’t provided the opportunities other artists received to further their careers, XL scheduled a one-on-one meeting with the CEO to ask what he was lacking. JW had insisted he could give XL more opportunities if XL could offer something more than just his serene vocals and pretty face.

The unspoken suggestion that XL offer up his body pierced his heart with yet another stake. Overwhelming disappointment and betrayal crashed into XL, but perhaps he should have known better that the whole situation was too good to be true. XL vehemently rejected this idea, angering JW who eventually tore XL down to the point of a medical emergency that allowed him to leave the agency without repercussions.

At age thirty-two, XL was left with no family, mental and physical trauma, and a dying will. Ironically enough, the song lyrics he’d written after experiencing so much loss were the closest thing to making music he’d gotten. But in the end, XL still felt like a failure.

Now in Xi’an, XL was left with limited options to earn money for rent. He already worked two part-time jobs in addition to writing music—though even time set aside for this has dwindled.

One night, as XL was walking home after closing up the convenience store, he saw the neon lights of the sign “Ghost City.” He’s heard many things about this club and is no stranger to the existence of nonhuman creatures roaming amongst human society. After hours of research, XL decided to apply to become a blood donor. It’s not like he had a better option that paid more anyway.

XL’s hope to somehow redeem his past actions has all but fizzled out. He doesn’t expect a vampire like HC to care about his comfort or consent when feeding, though HC still prioritizes these things for some reason.

XL has never looked at his body and thought about the best ways to pleasure himself. HC shows him how. HC caresses and kisses XL like he’s worth being handled with care; HC also invades XL’s body as a threat to break it, broadcasting a vampire’s strength, speed, and endurance in the bedroom.

XL can go as far as to say he even looks forward to his time with HC. In between a busy work life and dealing with people who would rather look the other way than give him the time of day, XL’s mind and body steadily weaken.

It starts with memory loss, where XL can’t clearly remember the conversations he’d had the day before. One of the reasons this develops is because he goes through many days without having anyone to tell about his day. It’s like the life XL lives is so insignificant, nothing about it is worth remembering.

Then, it’s the lack of eating. Most of XL’s money goes towards rent, essentials, and groceries. But he’s not a great cook. And he’s already drained by the time he gets home after working both jobs and visiting Ghost City. XL’s stress doesn’t help, adding to the fatigue that gradually shuts his body down.

While HC might not be able to taste a difference in XL’s blood, he does notice how frail the human moves around. How delayed XL responds, more so than he should be–even as a human. XL has scheduled more visits: three times a week this time. However, his words become less. He stops telling the little stories that brought a small smile to his face. XL doesn’t even mention the songs he’s been working on lately.

HC forces himself to ask about them after an especially rough coupling.

“How’s the songwriting going, darling?” HC asks quietly. He props his elbow upon his pillow, resting his cheek on his hand as he intently observes the human struggling to catch his breath, eyelids fluttering.

“I haven’t written anything new,” XL breathily answers. HC purses his lips. He ducks down to affectionately tongue at the skin his fangs pierced.

“No? In how long?” HC asks. XL sighs heavily.

“Maybe three weeks.”

HC doesn’t know what to say to that. He’s not one to console anybody. No one had afforded him that luxury, and naturally, he did not grant anyone else his concern. The silence that follows is unbearable.

***

The next time XL visits, he’s the one to initiate their first kiss. HC growls happily against his human’s lips, pinning him against the closed door of his private room. XL moans obscenely as HC languidly licks into his mouth. His arms desperately wrap around HC’s neck to bring him closer.

“Someone’s eager,” HC says with a chuckle as he pulls back. XL instantly attaches his lips to the vampire’s jaw, peppering light kisses along the pale skin. HC can’t help but think he’s taught his little human well. XL hums while trailing his lips back to HC’s, capturing them in a kiss that’s the sweetest one yet.

HC should’ve noticed how unstable XL’s legs seemed, how dreadful the bags under his eyes looked before indulging in their bedroom activities. He should’ve kept track all along of how thin XL is, how much more skin and bone he had become. HC is certainly not one to intrude on someone else’s life and scrutinize all their choices. But he should’ve said something sooner.

Maybe then, XL’s heart wouldn’t have stuttered so violently, or completely stopped beating for five counts.

HC watches in horror as XL’s eyes roll into the back of his head. His human’s body goes limp in his arms, collapsing into HC’s chest. When XL’s heart beat starts up again, it’s very weak. There’s a noticeable abnormality in its rhythm.

HC quickly gathers XL in his arms and speeds to the bed. He sits back against the pillow, placing XL to recline against his front. HC hooks his arms around XL’s middle from behind, anxiously listening to XL’s irregular heartbeat that seems like it takes all of his human’s energy to pump. Luckily, XL awakens a few minutes later. He registers a cold embrace and warm puffs of breath lingering near his ear.

“Did I pass out?” XL wheezes out, unconsciously melting into the body behind him.

“Yes,” HC says tightly. “Your heartbeat is uneven. Something is wrong.”

XL can’t tell if he’s imagining it but that sounded like worry in the vampire’s tone.

“Oh.”

HC inhales sharply.

“You just fainted, Xie Lian. Hell, your heart just stopped for a few seconds, and all you have to say is ‘oh?’” HC grinds out.

So he is upset. XL swallows thickly, not wanting to escalate things and further upset the vampire.

“It’s okay,” XL says. “I’m okay-“

“No. You’re not,” HC interrupts.

XL takes a deep breath, wincing slightly as HC tightens his arms around his hips. He’s more sensitive than normal, XL realizes. Before XL can defend himself further, HC grasps XL’s chin and turns his head to face the vampire.

“You’re hiding something from me,” he states. He hears XL’s heart speed up. “There’s no use in lying. I can tell you’ve grown weaker since you first came.”

“Well, I have been donating my blood to a certain vampire for a few months now. I’m bound to be a bit weak in my legs,” XL replies as a matter of factly. He means to poke fun at the situation rather than acknowledge the severity of it. HC knows this because he’s done it numerous times himself. But when XL does it, it makes HC’s blood boil.

“Are you saying I am causing this- this deterioration in your health?” HC asks tensely. XL lets out a gasp, whirling around in HC’s arms, immediately backpedaling.

“No! No, not at all.”

HC’s eyes assess his human who trembles slightly in his arms. He cradles XL in between his legs, hands shifting XL further up his body so he can rest his head on HC’s chest. HC gently pets XL’s hair, an action that was uncharacteristic of him months ago, before XL had walked through the entrance of his bar.

XL gently smiles in an attempt to placate the vampire.

HC’s eyes flash a frightening scarlet.

“I don’t believe you.”

XL’s face crumples.

“It’s true! I’ve just been really busy is all. Work has been hectic and- and-“ gone is the innocence that HC once saw in XL’s doe eyes, instead replaced by stress and utter brokenness that alarms the vampire to no end. A voice in the back of HC’s head snarls that those emotions had always been behind XL’s eyes; they were simply better hidden, and HC had been too lust-driven to notice.

XL continues his rambling, frantically shaking his head. “-I took some extra shifts because I needed the money to pay for some water damage that flooded half my apartment. I’m fine—truly.“

If HC had a beating heart, it would have dropped down to his stomach at the sudden realization. His fingers dig into the paper-thin skin of XL’s hips, then trace up the bony knobs of his spine.

“You’re not eating right.”

“Wait- S-san Lang-“

The nickname HC had asked XL to call him is hurdled back into his face like a stone aimed to shatter. It sounds like a cry for help.

“And you’re not getting enough sleep,” HC concludes with a disapproving frown. His eyes now glow a deep crimson, matching the silken sheets that HC ensures are in perfect condition every time XL visits.

“Fuck, XIE LIAN, you know you need proper nutrition and rest to recover from each night you spend with me!” HC is nearly shouting now, voice wavering out of his control. Who knew another creature could make him feel so strongly?

“I-I am!”

“I SAID NOT TO LIE TO ME. I CAN TELL WHEN YOU’RE NOT BEING HONEST,” HC explodes, spatting those words with a poison that he often uses with uncooperative subordinates, but never directed at XL before.

Tears glisten in XL’s eyes as he’s cornered with no way out, no relief from the building pressure that suffocates him. Right now, after everything XL has been through, this seems to be his tipping point. He never expected HC to care this much. Or perhaps HC is just concerned his reliable supply of blood is flaking out on him, just when he’s had a feasible taste.

XL is sure HC has plenty of other donors to feed on. It’s not like XL is particularly special in that way. Frankly speaking, XL had time and time again asked the universe to give him one last sign that his life mattered in some capacity. But if he couldn’t see the value in his own life, who else could?

XL scrambles off from HC’s lap, allowing himself to speak with the deep-seated spite that has grown in his heart like an untamable weed.

“THERE’S NO NEED TO GET SO WORKED UP OVER MY HEALTH!! I’LL BE GONE SOON ANYWAY! THE DOCTOR GAVE ME THREE MORE MONTHS,” XL screams, having to catch his breath after exerting so much power into his voice. “So there. You have my answer. I’m not lying this time. Just one a couple more months and then- then you won’t have to deal with my shit anymore, okay?”

HC can’t move. He can’t speak either. The shock taking over his system renders his mind and body completely useless. He can only stare blankly at XL whose tears now cascade down his cheeks.

No, this cannot be happening-

XL’s whimpers pull HC out of his head. The human hugs his own frail body, shivering from a coldness that does not exist in the room.

How did HC let it get so bad?

“I’m sick, San Lang. Very, very sick. Not just physically,” XL whispers defeatedly, letting out a small hiccup.

HC doesn’t hesitate to surge forward to throw his arms around XL, hugging him once more. It’s a habit now—to hold XL whenever he could. Now, HC wonders how many more times he would get this chance before it was inevitably the last.

“Xie Lian…”

“I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I-I just can’t eat. Sometimes from stress, other times I completely forget. And I want to rest, but I end up laying in bed awake for hours a-and my mind just won’t let me sleep-”

For the first time in over a decade, there is someone else to hear XL’s agonized wails.

“Please believe me, San Lang. Please."

#tgcf #heaven official's blessing #tian guan ci fu #hualian #hualian au #cerdrabbles #xie lian #hua cheng #human xie lian #vampire hua cheng #sorry it's rushed

85 notes · View notes

unwrittenlibrary · 3 years

Text

Sole Survivor -> I

[eighteen plus blog and this fic holding eventual eighteen plus scenes mean minors should not interact with this story]

summary -> your first week on the island. alliances are made, rewards are won and tribes fall apart before they can even come together. [bucky barnes x female!reader]

word count -> 4.5k

warnings -> reality tv, some cursing, survivor references (tribe, tribal council, idols) past steve rogers x reader, non-enhanced marvel characters, jeff probst (please don’t sue me) some steve slander (steve i love you i’m sorry it was just so easy to make you the sweetest person alive and therefore a target)

notes -> there are more in-depth notes at the end! just want to say this is all for fun & not meant to be a serious fic!! just some fluff & humor as a break to any serious fics out there that you may be reading!

series masterlist here.

》* 。 • ˚ ˚ ˛ ˚ ˛ • 。* 。° 。* 。 • ˚《

Chapter I 𓆉 OUTWIT -> NEXT

》* 。 • ˚ ˚ ˛ ˚ ˛ • 。* 。° 。* 。 • ˚《

Bucky isn’t sure how he ended up on reality TV.

That’s all he can think about as his hand grips the side of the speedboat and he glances around at his fellow contestants.

His first application to Survivor had been a dare; One of his friends back home had made a drunken joke that Bucky wouldn’t last a day and well- Obviously, Bucky can’t really take a joke.

How was he supposed to know he would actually be selected? How was he supposed to know he would be a fan favorite...villian? Saying yes to this season was a no-brainer.

He wants the million dollars. He came so, so close last time. Runner-up wasn’t good enough.

He had been handed a dark, red buff long before they had even stepped foot on the boat. He had wrapped it around his wrist, just like everybody else on this boat with him. His eyes move around slowly as he studies his new tribe members.

The bright red hair catches his eye first, Natasha Romanoff, was considered the original Black Widow; It’s no shock to Bucky that she had been considered a villain. Her starting point was aligning with the men on her tribe and helping pick who she wanted out. It worked for awhile, she had them under her thumb, until she got a little too abrasive and was voted off shortly after the merge.

Clint Barton who Bucky knew was notorious for promising on his kids then stabbing his allies in the back; In the final tribal he had laughed and said they gave him permission. Somehow he had won. Him and Natasha had worked together, but he had been unable to save her after the merge.

His eyes find Tony Stark next, an original player, meaning had had never played a game with idols or tricks. Tony had won it all on the third season after betraying his number one ally in the vote that decided who he brought to final two. Bucky didn’t need to ask why he was a villain, it was obvious.

Bright red lips catch Bucky’s eyes next as he checks out Darcy Lewis. Bucky wasn’t actually sure if he considered her a villain, but he can see how it played out that way. She had kept her immunity idol secret from her alliance members and had jumped ship when it became clear her alliance wouldn’t win the numbers. She made it all the way to final three after winning puzzle after puzzle in the immunity challenges, she was more impressive than villainous, but sometimes they just needed some people to fill the cast.

Loki was the king of snake gameplay, but even Bucky could admit it got him far. His ability to tell people exactly what they wanted to hear is what handed him the million dollar prize. Bucky wonders if they called Thor too, they had been on the last season, Blood versus Water together.

There’s Stephen Strange who was probably considered a villain for his dry commentary, blunt confessionals and inability to keep his thoughts to himself. He was from the first few seasons too and he had rubbed a lot of people the wrong way, but Bucky found his blunt delivery humorous.

And then there’s you. You had originally appeared on Brains, Brawns and Beauty. Unshockingly sorted onto the Beauty tribe and gravely underestimated. Bucky thought you were definitely the prettiest he’d seen in that season and early on he could tell you would be a power player. No matter how many confessionals men did saying your charm wouldn’t work, they all fell for it, and you picked them off. Your tribe only lost one immunity challenge and you had controlled who had gone home.

Steve Rogers had fallen in love with you that season and you had taken a page from Natasha’s book. When the merge had happened, you aligned quickly with the few girls left from the other two tribes. Then knocked the men out one by one. Steve, poor Steve, so kind hearted and trusting and it had been his downfall. When you had sobbed to him about the last three girls whispering about voting you out, he had given up his earned individual immunity. The four of you girls had laughed as you wrote his name down and Steve went onto the jury.

That was the moment that coined you one of the most notorious, and your unanimous win later had marked you down in history as one of the best to ever play.

Call Bucky an idiot, but you’re who he wants to work with. He needs to work with people who will make it to the end with him. His original season he had come off too cocky to win. He had made the mistake of taking who he thought was a floater, but apparently had built friendships with everyone, and lost in a three to six vote. Bringing someone who knew how to play the game like him gave him a far better chance at winning.

The heroes tribe are already on their blue mat when the villains disembark and make their way onto the beach. Bucky almost laughs when he sees Steve standing in the back, tall and broad as ever. Of course the fans loved Steve. Sweet, loyal Steve. He nudges your calf with his foot and you spin to look at him in surprise.

“Your lover is here.” He nods over to the mat, where Steve is staring straight ahead at Jeff Probst. You laugh with your head thrown back like it’s genuinely one of the funniest things you’ve heard.

“Didn’t you hear? It was a nasty divorce.” You smile before stopping in front of Bucky on the mat. Bucky snorts and drops his bag by his feet as Jeff calls for everyone’s attention.

“We’ve been doing Survivor for thirty seasons now. Fifteen years. Hundreds of people have played the game, yet the sixteen of you have made your mark as either hero or villain.” His eyes scan over the group before landing on Bucky.

“Bucky. You played this game six years ago. Season 18. How does it feel that even though it’s been that long, you’re still considered one of the most well known villains?”

“I’m a villain?” Bucky asks sarcastically as he looks around the beach. The crowd laughs and you look up at him with amused eyes. Bucky tries to ignore the flutter in his heart, damn you were good. “It’s all in the perspective, Jeff.”

Jeff laughs and nods before his attention shifts to Loki standing a few people away from you. “Loki, you’re our newest villain. Coming out of last season, how does it feel to be here with all these iconic names? Intimidating?”

Loki laughs and nods. “I guess so, yeah. I’m just so happy to actually play with people who love and respect the game the same way I do!” He looks over the group in a far more calculating manner than friendly.

“And heroes! Peter, you’re our newest hero on the tribe. Coming off a win that you got through heart and loyalty.” Jeff explains, like everybody here didn’t already know how much of a blatantly good guy Peter Parker was. Three years ago when given the decision to choose between a floater and his ally who was an equally as strong competitor, he had chosen to bring Ned to the final two. It had won him a million dollars. “You intimidated at all? Or should they be?”

Peter looks around bashfully. “Yeah! No, I’m intimidated, you know? I’m not the only winner here. These are all some strong people, I definitely will have to work hard to stay.” He answers humbly.

Bucky resists the urge to roll his eyes at the answer. “Okay. Anybody think we got it wrong? That you’re on the wrong tribe?” Jeff asks and immediately half the villains raise their hands.

The heroes and Jeff laugh. “What did we do, Jeff?” You call out in a flirtatious tone. “What’d we do that was so bad?” Bucky can’t see your face, but he would bet his life that there’s a pout there.

“Come on, Y/N.” Jeff says your name incredulously. “You are definitely one of the best, but you single handedly led one of the greatest all female alliances in the history of this game and picked off who you wanted one by one.”

You turn your head to look and the heroes tribe and Bucky can see Steve, Sharon and Shuri, all from your season, watching you. Bucky isn’t sure who made the worst move, Steve giving up his immunity and sending you to final three or Shuri for bringing you to final two with her. Loyalty could be your downfall or saving grace in this game, Bucky’s learned, it just depends on your jury. “Steve!” Jeff calls out. “Y/N. Hero or villain?”

“Villain.” Steve answers quickly with a forced laugh. You shrug and turn to look at Jeff. “I outwitted him. Is that being a villain or playing the game of outwit, outplay, outlast?”

Jeff laughs. “Okay, guys. Do you want to get to your first challenge?” The group looks around at each other extremely confused. It was rare a challenge was played the first day on the island, normally tribes were sent to begin working on shelter before it got too dark.

It’s a physical game. There are eight lanes, each lane has one weighted bag buried in it. In pairs of two, each tribe would go out to the selected lane and dig. Whoever brought the bag back to their tribe won a point and it was first to four points to win.

After an hour, it’s tied, three to three and the only pair to have not gone twice is you and Natasha. You’re against Shuri and Carol, Bucky is a little nervous, but he thinks you two can win this. Shuri was known for her agility and Carol for her strength, but Bucky had faith in your ability to play dirty. “Go!” Jeff’s arms drop down and all four women are darting through the sand.

Bucky can’t stop his eyes from trailing over your body, knelt down in the sand as you quickly dig. You had stripped off your shorts and long sleeve now only in your bikini top and bottoms, the red buff wrapped around your wrist.

He knows why it had been so easy for the men of your beauty tribe to fall at your feet. The way your legs look in the sand and sun has him wanting to kneel for you. He just hopes you want to work with him too.

Natasha pulls the bag out. Carol dives for her legs and sends her face first to the ground. Shuri follows soon after and both of them are fighting with Natasha as you stand back.

Good. Bucky thinks. Let them tire themselves out, then you have the strength to get it away and get the point.

Shuri gets the bag in her hands and makes a mad dash down the lanes, but your arm wraps around her waist and yanks her back into your chest as your other hand moves to yank at the bag.

Natasha gets up and holds Carol back with two hands around the waist. “Push, Shuri! Push!” Steve screams out. Bucky rolls his eyes at the nonsensical advice.

“Sweep her feet out!” Bucky’s voice overpowers the rest of his tribe. Your eyes meet his briefly. “She’s tired! She’s burnt out. She won’t get up quick enough!”

Your hands grip at the bag tightly and you swipe a leg underneath Shuri’s feet. Her knees give out and the bag is easily yanked away from her weak grip.

“Yes!” Your tribe screams as you reach the mat and Jeff calls out. “Villains win first immunity!” Bucky’s hand lands on your lower back and you turn to look up at him happily. He hopes you can see the praise in his eyes because that performance? That’s why he wants to work with you.

You - Villain Tribe

“Looking at my tribe, we’re pretty stacked. We’re good. Heroes don’t have a chance.” You throw your head back in a laugh. “Is it awful I’m excited to take a million dollars away from Steve again?”

Steve Rogers - Hero Tribe

“It uh- It sucks to lose. I hate losing. It sucks even more that we lost to the villains. I don’t want to vote any of our people out yet, we all deserve to be here. It just sucks.”

Day Two

You had underestimated how tense camp would be with men who had been used to leading their tribes in the past. Tony wanted to build shelter on flat land and Bucky thought sturdy trees for a sturdy base was more important.

Bucky was right, of course. You knew he was in construction, you had watched his season, and had seen the impressive shelter he had helped build. Tony just couldn’t get over himself, but that was no shock. You would use his pride as a chance to move forward in this game.

“They’re just being idiots.” You say softly as you and Bucky try to start a fire. Nothing is really working and the sun will set soon, defeat settles between you two. “Don’t let them get to you.”

You eye his metal arm. It had been what made him a favorite early on, way before he even got his villain marker. His story of a car crash that had resulted in the lost of his left arm and a generous doctor that had worked to give him this new age prosthetic.

“‘M not.” He mutters angrily as the smoke blows out and chance at a fire slips further and further away. “Just… fuck… Just annoyed at myself for not being able to get this.”

You look over your shoulder. “And at the fact that we’ll be sleeping in a shit hole tonight.” You shake your head. Bucky snorts and nods before falling onto his back and dropping the kindle that he had been attempting to light on fire.

Your eyes trail over his abdomen, put on display by his shirt that has ridden up in his new position. You bite down on your lip as your eyes trail over his thighs before you remember that the camera men are only a few feet away and caught every second of your staring.

You clear your throat and move to sit next to him. “I think we’d work well together.” You say just above a whisper. You glance over your shoulder again, but the rest of the tribe is too busy arguing over the shelter.

Bucky looks up at you hesitantly. “Yeah?” He asks just as softly. “Not gonna break my heart right?” He gives you a teasing smile that makes your breath catch.

You shrug and stand up, offering a hand to him. “No promises. I can’t stop you from falling in love with me.” You giggle, partly for the show of it but also because Bucky’s hand is huge in yours and makes your stomach flip.

He laughs and the two of you turn back and begin walking towards the shelter. Right before you reach it and have to go your separate ways, Bucky taps your back. “I think we would too.”

You - Villain Tribe

“Getting my claws on Bucky first is the best thing for my game. He’ll be loyal to me longer than anybody else.” You smile. “And Bucky is the best guy here. Tony may be an OG but he played like thirteen years ago. Strange is kind of cold. Clint and Natasha played together, he’ll be loyal to her before me. And Loki plays a game too similar to mine.” You shrug like it’s a no brainer.

Bucky Barnes - Villain Tribe

“I came to win this time, okay? No more aligning with underdogs. No more just physicality getting me to the end. I need strategy and she’s the best strategist to ever play this game.” Bucky smirks. “Just ask Steve Rogers.”

Day Three

It’s pouring rain by the time both tribes get to the challenge. Bucky had been right, of course he had. The shelter was weak and the rain was destroying it. It would need to be rebuilt when you returned to camp and he could only hope the rain stops long enough to allow him to build a real shelter.

“Heroes will be with me at tribal council.” Jeff explains. “So, today, you are playing for reward. Wanna see what you’re playing for?”

The entire tribe is huddled together in an attempt to keep warm as Jeff explains the challenge and reward. He lifts a cover to reveal a tarp, blankets, pillows and flint. Bucky almost groans at the sight. They needed this win. “I’ll give you a minute to strategize.” Jeff waves them off.

It’s almost every type of challenge in one. Physical, logical and strategical. Six members would build a boat from the pieces given then sail out to retrieve all the puzzle pieces from where they were clipped on buoys. Then bring them back to the remaining two members who would work on the puzzle. First to solve it wins.

“Darcy and I can work on the puzzle.” You say quickly with Darcy nodding along. Bucky and the rest of the tribe agree and get to their starting places.

It’s a crazy adrenaline rush when Jeff yells for everyone to go. “Heroes take an early lead!” Jeff narrates as they push their boat out onto the water. Bucky can feel his tribemates settle in defeat.

“Let’s fucking go!” He urges, forcing the last piece of the boat into place. He and Clint push the boat out before climbing in beside the rest of the villains. Bucky tries to drown out Jeff’s commentary, but it’s hard when every few seconds he’s pointing out the major lead the heroes are creating. “Nobody panic. They’ve got Steve on the puzzle.”

That gets a small, tense laugh out of the group as the heroes boat reaches shore again and the villains remain collecting puzzle pieces.

Hope fizzles in Bucky’s chest when he hears your’s and Darcy’s cheers and the arguing of Steve and Carol, both placed on puzzle and both having different tactics.

“The villains are coming from behind!” Jeff says in an impressed tone as they finally push their boat to shore. “The heroes just can’t figure out this puzzle and are losing their huge lead.”

“Yeah, thanks!” Shuri calls out annoyed from the sidelines as Bucky hands off the bag of puzzle pieces to you. You dump them out and you and Darcy immediately start to spread them out to look.

“Wow! Heroes just cannot get this puzzle figured out!” Jeff shakes his head. Steve and Carol continue to argue and yank pieces away from one another. “Villains have made a remarkable comeback!” You and Darcy seem to be communicating amazingly and pieces just fall into place.

“Jeff! Jeff!” You scream out excitedly as Darcy stuffs the last piece into place and you two step back. Jeff looks at the puzzle for a moment before throwing his arms up. “Villains win reward!”

Everybody screams in excitement and Bucky immediately turns to you. “Fuck!” He says excitedly as you jump up, legs wrapping around his waist. He wraps an arm under your thighs and tries hard to ignore how good they feel wrapped around him. “Darcy!” He waves her over into a half hug. “Puzzle queens! Puzzle queens!” He cheers, the tribe following in suit.

They’re allowed to celebrate for a few more seconds as the heroes groan until producers force them back onto their designated mats. “Villains. Take your tarp and flint, pillows and blankets will be delivered once the rain stops.” Everybody rushes forward as you take the tarp and flint into your hands.

“Heroes I got nothing for you. Except your trip to tribal right now.” Bucky glances over his shoulder as the heroes stare at Jeff in shock. “Yep! You lost immunity on day one and have had two days to discuss, grab your stuff and follow me.”

Bucky and you laugh with each other as you make your way back to camp.

Shuri - Hero Tribe

“I’m just so… I told them to put me on the puzzle. Put me! Who won three puzzle challenges her season? I’m just so angry. We had such a good lead and we lost it because nobody wanted to listen to each other and everybody wanted to be a leader. Now somebody who deserves to be here has to go home while the villains live lavishly.”

Day Five

Your tribe wins reward again.

After the shocking reveal of Carol being voted out at the first tribal council, villains are perplexed. Carol had been strong, furthest from being the weakest link who was usually voted off first.

You know that’s what being on the wrong side of the numbers will get you.

This time it’s fishing gear. It sends a morale boost throughout the tribe. You grin as you watch Bucky reluctantly walk ahead with Tony.

Tony had latched onto Bucky after Bucky had helped create a better shelter. And once they had secured the tarp and loaded in the blankets and pillows, it was like a five star resort to the already tired and hungry tribe.

You can see Natasha fall in line with you in your peripheral vision and try to hide your smirk. “You’re good.” She murmurs.

You look straight ahead and shrug. “What makes you say that?”

“You and Bucky almost never go off together. Barely talk outside of groups at camp. Really only interact during challenges.” She says quietly. The group is far ahead and most likely couldn't hear if you spoke in normal tones, but you appreciate her caution. “He’s wrapped around your finger though.”

You almost stop, but refuse to let her see you stumble. She was right, you and Bucky were exceedingly cautious when it came to associating with each other at camp. “You think so? He has a crush?” You ask softly. “He’s cute, right? Not too bad.” You feign ignorance.

Natasha smirks. “Yeah.” Her hand wraps around your arm and pulls you to a stop with her. “Listen. It’s Tony and Strange on one side. You and Bucky on the other. We’ve been winning, so nobody is going to admit their alliances, but I’d rather be prepared for our first loss.”

You nod. “What are you saying?” You knew Tony and Stephen would team up. They were both considered original survivors, coming out of the first few seasons and still working on understanding this new version of the game.

“Clint and I can be numbers.” She says steadily. You lick your lips. Clint and Natasha had done Micronesia together. He had been the only one to not write her name down when she was eliminated. She had voted for him to win. It’s not a surprise they had fallen into working together again. “We protect each other. Final Four, after that we’re on our own.”

“I’ll have to speak with Bucky.” You begin to walk again. “But that sounds like a good deal to me.” You give her a small smile.

Natasha Romanoff - Villain Tribe

“I’m not an idiot. I know Y/N plays this game loyal to herself only. But I’m playing a strategic game. Clint and I make it to the merge with her numbers then we can flip of we need to.”

You - Villain Tribe

“Final four?” You scoff. “Please. Two person alliance versus two person alliance in the final four? I’m not trying to draw rocks. Four people is good and then we’ll make the merge and I’ll work my magic.”

“I’m gonna get some firewood.” Your foot knocks against Bucky’s ankle. When he looks up from his spot on the ground, you subtly nod your head in the direction of the jungle.

“I can help. It’s getting dark, better two than one.” He stands up. Nobody acknowledges your exit but Nat, who smirks at you before looking back at the rice cooking over the fire.

You two walk in silence, making sure to be out of earshot before stopping to talk quickly. “Natasha and Clint want to work with us. Final four.”

Bucky looks over his shoulder in the direction of camp before looking back at you. “We can promise them the merge. Final four with a two person alliance as solid as their’s is suicide.”

You look up at Bucky and laugh. Did he think you were dumb? “I know that.” You say slowly. “We should just agree to the final four then get rid of them after the merge.”

Bucky huffs out a breath. “That’s smart, but how do you know we won’t be turned on if we vote them out? How do you know Darcy and Loki aren’t already four with Strange and Tony?” His nerves are reasonable, but they make you want to laugh.

You shake your head instead staring up at him with reassuring eyes. “They won’t be. I’ve talked with Darcy a little bit. Plus, Loki works the swing vote angle as long as he can. You watched him last season, it’s how he made it so far.”

“Okay.” Bucky agrees slowly. “So, we work with Clint and Natasha and work on getting Loki as a swing vote? What if they turn on us? These people’s word means jack.” Bucky’s arm shifts and your eyes immediately trail over it curiously. Did it do that when he was nervous? Was it normal?

“Don’t worry.” You place a gentle hand on his arm, you wondered how the metal didn’t heat in the sun the same way a metal slide would. Questions for a later time. “There are hidden immunity idols, Buck. We just have to find them.”

You walk past him then, picking wood up as you go. The cameras stay on Bucky, who you can feel staring after you.

Men were so easy.

Bucky Barnes - Villain Tribe

“She’s… She’s got it all mapped out. To the end. She’s not playing this bullshit tribe first, individual later game. She’s here to win. It’s hot.” He blushes before his eyes widen in realization. “I could win this.”

Day Six

The immunity challenge is grueling. Large crates in the tribe’s color have to be rolled from one end of the field to the other by two people. Six crates in total and Jeff had evened the teams out so each tribe only had six people playing, meaning each pair would go out twice no matter what.

Tony and Darcy had opted to sit out, and each pair had to go out twice. Bucky knew this would kill everyone, it had looked downright brutal long before Jeff shouted Go.

Bucky can be the first to admit maybe the team didn’t strategize correctly when choosing pairs. While he and Loki were able to bring the first crate back before the heroes, Clint and Stephen slow the group down. Once the heroes build momentum, they’ve got the lead. You and Natasha struggle to catch up.

By the sixth crate, everybody is downright exhausted. Bucky can’t even comprehend how the heroes had gotten through all six crates so fast.

“Villains start your puzzle.” Jeff calls out. Bucky thinks this is worse than the running. These crates are almost as tall as he is and definitely weighed damn near close too.

Setting the first two in place would be fine, the last four? Pure hell. They had to be lifted into place and Bucky wasn’t sure his tribe could do it. Not when Steve was already lifting crates up for the heroes and sticking them in place like it was nothing.

“Heroes with a huge lead!” Jeff narrates excitedly from the sidelines. “Can the villains catch up?”

“Fuck this.” Bucky mutters taking a step back. His back hits something soft - you. You nails trail up his spine and he shivers before turning to look down at you. “That piece then that piece?” You point out and Bucky turns to look.

Loki and Clint have the first piece in place. Natasha and Strange are pushing the second. Two pieces have to be lifted next and you seem to have cracked the code.

“You’re so smart.” He punches your shoulder affectionately before yelling out. He starts calling out directions and suddenly everything seems to have fallen into place. The villains tribe is quiet and works together easily while the heroes fall apart, again.

“Villains win immunity!” Jeff calls out again and the heroes fall into dismay. Yelling and arguing with one another even more. “That means the heroes will once again see me at tribal council. I’ll give you the afternoon to discuss, head on out.”

Bucky carries the immunity trophy back to camp with a bright smile. These first few days couldn’t have gone any better. A winning streak, set alliance, and final two plan?

He was winning this time. No doubt about it.

Peter Parker - Hero Tribe

“It just sucks because… because now they’re talking about sending Steve home instead of like - Sharon. She’s smart, but she’s just not the strongest person here and we obviously need a stronger tribe.”

Steve Rogers - Hero Tribe

“A line was drawn in the sand last tribal. Scott, Wanda and I on one side. Shuri, Peter, Sharon and Thor on the other. Now it’s just who they want to go home and I hope it’s not me.”

Thor Odinson - Hero Tribe

“There’s talk of Steve going home, but I… I don’t know if that’s what will be best for us. We need our strong players and he’s strong! I’m gonna talk to them and see what I can do. We just… We just can’t lose strong people. We’ll get our asses handed to us.”

》* 。 • ˚ ˚ ˛ ˚ ˛ • 。* 。° 。* 。 • ˚《

notes // you can probably tell, but until the merge, you won’t get inside on the heroes tribe. the focus of this is bucky & reader on their tribe. the confessionals are really you’re only hint to anybody else’s train of thought! i’m excited to explore this, it’s really just for fun & not meant to be a super serious fic. a break from harsh angst and all that! i hope you enjoy it, even just a little! the next part will have more to it & it will get more interesting! this is meant as an introduction, a season premiere if you will. :))

& if you’ve watched the real heroes vs villains season you’ll notice a lot of this follows after that set up, like the challenges and eliminations, but i’ve written it around these characters and personalities!

my writing is free & will remain free! but if you have the resources and enjoyed it, consider donating to my ko-fi :) & if that’s not possible consider reblogging or leaving comments! spreading my work or letting me know you enjoyed it means the world to me & lets me know i’m not shouting into the void!

#bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes imagine #bucky barnes x y/n #bucky barnes x you #bucky barnes au #james bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes #bucky barnes x female reader #survivor au #bucky barnes x fem!reader #steve rogers

86 notes · View notes

cinematicnomad · 2 years

Note

i hope you feel better soon! (and if you don’t mind me asking for some advice? would you mind talking a little about your transition to grad school? i’m in the middle of filling out applications and i’m looking at all of these requirements and stuff that they’re asking for and i don’t have anything at all that would make me a decent candidate - i tried my best during undergrad but my grades were never above subpar and i finished out school in lockdown so i don’t have any experience either - even though i /know/ i’d be really good at the work…. i’m just….feeling very despondent right know)

((sorry for the rambling 😅)

heyyyy anon! okay! i am totally happy to answer these questions. i am, in fact, a GREAT person to ask about this because i work in graduate admissions sooo i have more than just my own personal graduate school experience to help answer, but my entire career as well 😅

now, first caveat: i work for an engineering school, and graduate admissions does have some nuances that are unique to each general subject—what we do when reviewing an application for, say, a student applying to mechanical engineering, is gonna be v different from what the law school looks for, or what the english looks for, etc etc. but there are some general tips and tricks that i am happy to share!

first things first, your GPA is not the be all and end all. it really is a holistic review of your materials. i applied to grad school with a solid 3.0 from undergrad and i got in, and i can for SURE tell you that we admit students to the engineering program that have lower GPAs, even lower than our stated average on our website (but obviously—be aware, if admitted, most grad programs DO require that you maintain above a 3.0 in the program to graduate).

now, that holistic review comes in through the other materials you submit—your letters of recommendation, your resume, your statement of purpose, any test scores that are required...etc etc. (i'm not sure if your application requires test scores—i know a lot of admissions offices have moved away from them during the pandemic because accessing tests was v difficult for a time and waiving it obviously lead to an increase in apps which schools love to see.)

(this got long: more below the cut)

for your letters of recommendation: ask professors or employers who can really speak to your ability to succeed in graduate school. if they're somebody in the same field/subject that you're applying to, that's even better bc their opinion carries more weight. a lot of times we get students who submit letters of rec from people with really high titles but who don't know the student for shit and give a real generic letter—that's not helpful. the admissions office is going to be looking for specificity and for someone who can really speak about you and your strengths and why you're a good fit.

if you're worried about asking for a letter of rec bc it's been too long since you spoke to the professor/were in their class/etc, here's my advice: send them an email asking how they're doing and giving a quick update on your life. explain that you're applying to grad school (and where) and that you'd like to ask for a letter of rec from them. remind them what class (or classes) you took, what grade(s) you received (if they're good), what semester you were enrolled in, and why you liked it (their lectures were memorable! the subject material is what made you want to pursue a master's! it's the most fun you had in undergrad! etc etc etc). IF you saved copies of your old papers, offer to re-share them with the professor if they need a reminder of examples of your work. and then thank them for their time and consider and wait for their response. DON'T add their names to the application until they agree to write you a letter bc a lot of the app systems these days will auto-send the email to your recommenders as soon as their info is added, even before you have submitted the application.

THIS i speak from personal experience 😅 thankfully the professor agreed to write the letter anyway, lol

(note: extra rec letters, do not really help you at all. if an application requires 2, you don't get any extra kudos for submitting 3, or 4, or 5...when that happens there's no way to guarantee that the app reviewer will take the time to read all the submitted letters, they may just pick 2 at random, and those might not be the strongest. so it's best to stick to the requirements and to pick the recommenders who will sing your praises).

the resume is obvious—if you're worried GPA this is the place where you can highlight any special projects that you've worked on or jobs that you've had related to the area of study you're applying to. it's just a space that gives you the opportunity to provide the admissions office with more info about you, your skillset, and your background.

last, that statement of purpose. first thing: follow whatever instructions the program provides. the statement of purpose is where they're looking to see if you pay attention to detail. if there's a prompt, make sure you respond to it, and if there's a word count, make sure you stick to it. for the programs i work on, we typically look for 500 words max—if a student goes over that by 100 words, no big deal. if a student goes over that by 1500 words?? oh yeah, that's a problem. i know some faculty members who will just....stop reading the statement around that 500 mark even if there are still 3 more pages to go. we're looking to make sure that you can be concise and to the point and that you can follow directions.

if there's no prompt (my programs don't have one!) then it can be a little daunting what to write. a good framework that i suggest to students that i speak with is: past, present, future. so, start off talking about your past (where you got your bachelors, what you studied in undergrad, etc). since you mentioned your grades weren't the best, you can use this space to add in an explanation about how distance learning wasn't for you/the pandemic had an impact on your studies, etc. then move onto present: what are you doing now (are you about to graduate? are you working? is it in a related field or something totally different, etc) and why this is the moment you want to go to grad school. and then: future. what will grad school do for you and why is THIS PROGRAM the right fit. be sure to name drop the CORRECT school (you will not BELIEVE how many essays i've read with the wrong school). if it fits, mention any faculty that you're interested in working with/learning from, and any classes that look interesting to you. you can also talk about the location and/or the university in general, and how this program will help you to achieve your goals of xyz.

soooo those are most of the standard application materials. obviously some programs will require other things—portfolios, writing samples, etc, i can't speak to those with much authority.

make sure you pay attention to the application deadline! these will vary by program. submitting an application early doesn't usually help, but submitting an application LATE can hurt you, so try to make sure to have everything submitted on time.

BUT, last tip: a lot of admissions offices will offer application fee waivers so, take the time to search the website, sign up for an information session if you can (they'll usually drop a code at the end of the webinar), etc. if you don't see anything obvious, seriously, just send an email to the admissions team and ask if there's any way to qualify for an app fee waiver. if the answer's no, no big deal, but if there IS a way (like one of those webinars) they'll let you know, and then you can save yourself a good $80 or more.

ANYWAY, this got long, but i hope it helped. i'm here if you have any other questions. BEST OF LUCK!!

✨sleepover friday✨

#ask #anonymous #this got soooo long #sorry anon #i also ramble a lot!!

6 notes · View notes

icollectyoursins · 3 years

Text

Risotto Nero x Reader SFW Hurt/Comfort

Anon asked for “Prompt 19 with Risotto? Thank you!”

No. 19 “Hush, my love. You trust me, right? I need you to trust me.”

Y’all. I just went through a few shitty days and when I say that this made me cry I mean it. Thank you so much for this request, it was very therapeutic to me.

I tried to keep this kind of vague in terms of the “hurt,” just so it’s more applicable to everyone, not just someone who’s been through something specific.

Wanna know what I’m willing to write? Rules here!

Have a character, but no idea? Prompt list here!

Looking for more? Master post here!

WARNINGS: Lots of crying in various places, on the way in the door, on the ground in your undergarments with the shower going, into Risotto’s chest, all the crying, general feelings of not being good enough and the like.

Word Count: 1092

You were sat on the floor of the bathroom, curled up in a ball with the shower running in the background, drowning out the sound of your crying. It had been a rough day. Just one terrible thing after another, sending your mind into a spiral of self-hatred and mental flagellation. All you need right now was a good cry and maybe some booze.

Honestly, you had wanted to do this in the shower, but it would seem that your emotions had other plans. So, here you are. Sitting on the floor practically naked, filled with more existential dread than you have felt in a long, long time. Your internal dialogue really did not like you today, spitting out various insults of never being good enough, never accomplish anything and when it was feeling extra cruel, it would mimic loved ones’ voices expressing their disappointment.

There was a knock on the door. Fuck. You quickly wiped away your tears, trying to hide the evidence of your recent emotional outburst, though you could feel that your eyes were still puffy along with your lips from biting them. Bravely, you put on a housecoat, then opened the door.

“Yeah?” Your voice broke slightly, making you wince. Through blurred vision, you saw the massive figure of your partner, Risotto Nero. You shuffled on your feet slightly. This was going to be awkward. He stared for a minute, assessing your state.

“What happened, (Y/N)?” He got right down to business. Something was wrong and he needed to know what. “Pesci said that you may have been crying when you got home today, judging by how swollen your eyes are, I’d say that was true. Tell me what happened.”

You gulped, thinking about whether or not you should tell him. Most of you wanted to, you wanted him to hold you close, tell you everything was going to be okay. But, of course, there was also a part that said he would only leave. He’s always been a ‘deal with your own problems and I’ll deal with mine’ kind of guy, you don’t think he would be much help.

“I’m fine,” you lied. It didn’t work.

“May I come in?” Silence. You didn’t want him to come in. “Y/N?”

“Risotto, I...” you trailed off. He pushed on the door lightly. You didn’t have the strength to push back and it opened slowly, the hand that was on the door falling limp in defeat. Risotto towered over you, making you feel so small. He brought a hand up to your cheek, gently brushing his thumb against it. You nuzzled into it, then the flood gates burst open, tears falling freely from your eyes.

Without another word, he pulls you into him, kissing the top of your head while you shake in his arms.

“Hush. You’re okay. I’m here,” he continued to whisper in your ear, gradually calming you down. Soon, you had stopped crying, burying your face in his chest. “I won’t ask you about your day if you don’t want to talk about it. I understand.”

“Thank you,” you sniffled. He was so warm compared to you, it was a nice contrast from being almost naked on the floor, save from your underwear.

“May I turn the shower off?” He asked patiently. You sighed, not wanting him to let you go just yet, but nodded. He was quick about it, turning the tap and then wrapping his arms around you again. A calloused hand was brushed through your hair, soothing you more.

Risotto was silent for the most part aside from the occasional hum of acknowledgement when you tried to pull him closer. He was thinking of what to say. Comforting others wasn’t really his strong suit, he knew that, but he couldn’t stand to see you like this. Murder wasn’t his first instinct in this situation, but if someone hurt you it wasn’t entirely off the table. Though, he didn’t really need to know what had happened. All he needed to do was make you happy, regardless of what it was.

“(Y/N).” You could feel his voice rumble throughout his body. “I love you.” It was so sincere, so soft. You started crying again almost immediately. “You know that, right?”

You nodded.

“I would not leave you for all the money in the world. You are everything to me. I would do anything to make you happy. So tell me.” He pulled back, tilting your face up to his. “Why did you come up here on your own?”

“I-...” how did you phrase this? You knew exactly why you didn’t go to him, but you weren’t sure you wanted to tell him. You took a big breath, working up your bravery then through tears you spoke. “I didn’t want to-to make you worry or-sniff- just unload all of my problems onto you.” He brushed a piece of hair behind your ear, patiently listening. “You’re always so...”

“Busy.” Guilt welled up in his chest.

“Yeah. You’re always dealing with work or something else and I don’t want to bother you. You’re so strong, I thought that if I did come to you, you would just t-tell me to get o-over it or-” you were cut off by soft lips pressing into yours. He broke the kiss but stayed close to your face.

“(Y/N),” he whispered.

“I-I’m sorry.” You didn’t know what else to say, the words bounced around in your mind, but never formed a proper sentence.

“Hush, my love.” Risotto cupped your face in his hand, brushing away a stray tear. “You trust me, right? I need you to trust me.”

You looked into his eyes. Then, you sniffled, leaning into his hand, warm and gentle.

“Yeah. Yeah, I trust you.” You said. The look in his eyes was suddenly serious.

“Then trust me when I say I would never disregard you like that. You deserve so much more. I will listen to every word you have to say if it means you’d be happy.” He pulled you into his chest again, running his hand through your hair again and again while he waited for you to calm down. “Now, let’s get you cleaned up.”

“I thought you had work-”

“I’ll get it done tomorrow, you need me more than paperwork.” He lead you by the hand, turning on the shower again. “And I need you.” He added, kissing your forehead softly. You let out a breathy chuckle. As if by magic, all your worries went away, replaced with nothing but the love Risotto gave you.

#Risotto Nero #risotto nero x reader #risotto x reader #jjba part 5 #vento aureo #risotto prompts #sfw

148 notes · View notes

spnfanficpond · 3 years

Text

Alpha Reader Program - June 2021

Our pair for May have been working so hard this month and we can't wait to see what they've crafted! It's time to start thinking about next month, though, so let's get to it!

Our alpha reader for June is @emilyshurley!

If you are a Pond member and are interested in working with this month’s alpha reader, everything you need to know about signing up is below the cut!

Click here to find out exactly what an alpha reader is! Here’s how the program works.

(Everything is subject to change as we go if we find things that aren’t working out. If you have any suggestions, let us know!)

Below, you will find information from the alpha for this month. This information should help you determine if this month’s alpha is someone you could work with.

If you are interested in working with this alpha, you will fill out this application form. (Pond members only. Joining is easy! Check out the Start Here link!)

Only the Pond admins will be able to see your username. The alpha will not know who you are. We hope this brings together people who maybe wouldn’t otherwise find each other, so this application process will be blind.

DEADLINE TO APPLY IS MIDNIGHT, PACIFIC TIME, ON THE LAST DAY OF THE MONTH JUNE 4TH!.

Based on the application information, the alpha will pick a mentee. Only after the mentee is chosen will the alpha know who they have chosen.

The pair will decide if they want a list of prompts to choose from, or if they want to work on a story idea the mentee has had on the back burner.

Together, they will create beautiful words.

The mentee will post their work on their own blog and submit it to the Pond for posting and to be added to the Program masterpost.

If there are any questions or concerns throughout, @mrswhozeewhatsis will be the point person/mediator!

Story requirements/parameters:

Must be SPN fan fiction.

All ships/pairings/kinks/genres allowed. The only restrictions are those set by the alpha and the mentee.

Use a Keep Reading cut if your story is more than 500 words.

Tag your story with the appropriate trigger warning tags and list them in the author’s note.

Our preferred header format is here.

There is no minimum or maximum word count for this. We don’t expect a novel, but hope for a one-shot.

The story idea MUST be something the mentee has not written or posted, yet. Ideally, to get the most out of this experience, the mentee will only have a couple of sentences about a vague idea, at most. We will provide a list of prompts if you like.

We would prefer that this not be Part 1 of a series. We don’t want to ask the alpha to commit to something larger than a one-shot. If the idea turns into more, and the mentee is willing to continue without the alpha, or the alpha is willing to continue working on the story after the month is done, then that is up to the alpha and the mentee.

Use the hashtag #alpha reader program when you post your story and tag the @spnfanficpond, your alpha reader, and @mrswhozeewhatsis.

And now, a bit about our alpha for this month:

What is your username?

@emilyshurley

Are you a writer, yourself?

Yes

Are you an experienced beta? (Have you beta read for more than five people, reading more than one story for at least 1 of them?)

Yes

What is your turnaround time for a typical one-shot? (This will not be a typical situation, but this answer will give everyone an idea of how long to give you after they send you something.)

2-3 days

On a scale of 1 to 5, 1 being “English is my second language,” and 5 being, “I have a degree in English or professional editing experience,” how confident are you with your grammar skills?

What time zone are you in?

IST (GMT +5:30)

Is there anything you won't read? Ships/pairings, smut, non-con, dub-con, slash, AU, etc.

Destiel

On a scale of 1 to 5, 1 being “Please don’t make me drink the demon blood again,” and 5 being, “Easier than Dean’s pie,” how comfortable would you be checking for story elements such as continuity errors, characterization, and canon compliance?

Brainstorming ideas will require you both to be free at the same time. When is the best time for you?

Can be discussed (not a fixed schedule)

How long of a story are you willing to read for this project?

5000 - 9999 words

Do you use Google Docs?

Yes

Please write a couple of sentences to give writers a feel for your style and approach to alpha reading. For example, what is your main focus when it comes to storytelling (i.e. details, feelings, actions)? Are you willing to help with flow or pacing? If a writer is having trouble with a certain sentence, are you willing to offer rewording/restructuring suggestions? Do you feel comfortable offering notes on the story if you feel like something is missing or needs more work?

Though I'm comfortable helping with sentence structure and similar things but English is, in fact, my second language. So there might be times where my brain might not English. I can help with brainstorming stories, dialogues or just being a cheerleader for completing whatever someone is working on.

What do you feel your weaknesses are when writing or alpha reading? For example, do you have trouble with dialogue or action scenes? Is there a particular grammar aspect you have trouble with?

I sometimes struggle with descriptions for setting a scene but dialogues are my strength.

Is there anything else you'd like to add?

No.

There you go! If you are interesting in working with our alpha this month, go fill out this application here and we will let you know if you are chosen!

If you have any questions or suggestions about the program, please send an ASK to the inbox or a private message to @mrswhozeewhatsis!

#alpha reader program #spnfanficpond

47 notes · View notes

just6f · 1 year

Text

GET 20% OFF ON YOUR GECKO WALL CLOCK. TIME TO SPEND LESS!!! You know you're lucky when you stumble upon a crazy-good deal. And we're happy to let you know that you can get incredible Gecko Wall Clock with a 20% discount! You can find a fit-for-you product for just $43.00, meaning your $11.00 will stay with you if you just ADD TO CART right now. Furthermore, our store promises you: 100% order satisfaction 100% buying safety and security An easy return policy MORE INFO ON GECKO WALL CLOCK Diameter: 30cm Material: Acrylic Feature: Antique style Body Material: Plastic Dimensions: 300mm, 30cm Furthermore, don’t forget that we will return the money if you’re not satisfied with your purchase, so place an order right now! PRODUCT QUESTIONS & ANSWERS Are the colors true to life? The colors in the images of our Gecko Wall Clock are real. Some gadgets and devices could slightly change colors. So, make sure yours gives the real picture. What makes you think your Circle Art Clock compares well to other options? We work with leading suppliers. That's why we can guarantee an exceptional quality of the Gecko Wall Clock and we’d like to point it out that it has fine value for money. What’s the reason for this low price if the product is as good as you describe? We cut down the logistics costs and other managerial expenses so that our buyers could enjoy the lowest product costs possible. Do I need to worry about paying some taxes? Whether your Circle Art Clock is subject to taxes is defined by your local legislation. In any case, the checkout page will show you the final price including taxes (certainly, if they are applicable). Which advantages did your previous customers indicate in this product? All the strengths of this item can be found in the Feedback section filled with our previous customers’ reviews. Since this product is much-loved, there are lots of comments to rely on. Can I share my own product feedback? We respect our customers’ opinions. Therefore, feel free to share your experience to help us get better. ORDERING & STORE POLICIES Is it necessary to use the address of my residence for shipment? Can I order it for my friend? The package goes to whatever address you choose. So you can safely send the order to another person. What about package? Is it secure enough? We try to foresee all the problems that your package may face and, therefore, use the most secure ways to ensure its safety. What payment method is it better to choose if I want to receive my order as soon as possible? You’re free to choose any payment option that suits you best, but it can’t influence the shipping time. How can I learn more about the terms of purchase? I can’t find the info page. You are more than welcome to contact our support team through any of the contact channels listed at the bottom of the page. Why make a purchase in your store? We offer a wide range of items, highly detailed product information and illustrative media files. In addition, all our products are made of high-quality and safe materials, and we try to keep our prices as low as we can. Can I purchase the Circle Art Clock in an offline store? Most typically, offline stores provide a more limited range of products. Besides, they commonly set much higher prices due to numerous extra business expenses. https://just6f.com/abstract-wall-art-geckos-escape-from-the-clock-gecko-wall-clock-salamander-gecko-lizard-silhouette-reptile-designed-wall-clock/?feed_id=4945&_unique_id=646dcc0b8b1f7

0 notes

the-sympathetic-villain · 3 years

Text

The Stowaway's Heart - Chapter 9

AO3 | First | Previous | Next | Masterpost

Description: Virgil is rescued by selkies after being abandoned at sea and brought back to their pod to recover. Virgil’s poor, gay heart may just explode from how attractive they all are.

Word Count: 5935

Chapter Warnings: Flirting, Romantic contact, Sexual innuendo, Swearing, Anxiety, Self-esteem issues, Mentions of less than ideal childhoods (Let me know if I missed anything!)

---

“I do apologize, Virgil.” Logan stated, glancing at Remus for help before turning back to Virgil’s desperate expression. “I am struggling to understand why this is an issue. Please, help me understand what is bothering you.”

Virgil stared at his soulmates. His face flushed as he tried to find the right words to convey the sudden feeling of fight-or-flight response pulling at his mind. “I just—I don’t know. It's a lot.”

“It's just dinner, Doom and Gloom.” Remus chimed in playfully. “You won't even have to get naked or nothing—”

“Not helping, Re.” Virgil whined, massaging his temples as he tried to force away the growing ache in his head .

“Awww—Come on, pretty boy.” Remus cooed, curling an arm around his shoulder. “This ain't nothing you haven’t done before.”

Logan's soft chuckle drew Virgil’s attention up as Remus' limbs slowly wrapped around him. “Now, not that I believe Remus’ ego needs stroking—”

“Oh, Lolo.” Remus giggled in Virgil’s ear, mustache tickling his neck. “You make me blush.”

“Re, stop—” Virgil protested weakly, though he could feel his heartbeat start to slow as he melted into Remus’ arms. His skin tingled with warmth as Logan cleared his throat, drawing both their attention.

Logan's coy smiled gleamed down at Virgil as he stepped forward, raising a hand to Virgil’s cheek. “As I was saying, Remus is right. None of this is nothing new for you.”

“I know,” Virgil’s gaze fell as he went slack in Remus’ arms. His voice dropped, suddenly feeling embarrassed. “but it's different now.”

“What is different, Virgil?” Logan’s smile turned serious as he dropped down beside them.

Virgil bit his lip, hair falling over his eyes as his voice dropped to a whisper. “This is the first time I've been around everyone as an equal.”

“Oh, love.” Logan reached forward to brush the hair from Virgil’s face as Remus' arms squeezed him. “You've always been an equal.”

“I know. Everyone’s been perfectly nice. It’s just—” Virgil quickly lost his words, sighing in exasperation as he shrank back into Remus. “Listen, I get that this doesn’t make any sense, but—"

“It makes perfect sense, Dr. Doom.” Remus’ soothing voice rumbled in his ear as he sank deeper into his soulmate’s arms. “I mean, we boxed you up like a rabid animal. What were you supposed to think?”

“It’s not—it's not that.”

Silence hung in the air for what felt like an eternity before Logan asked the question Virgil had been evading. “What is it that is really bothering you then, dearest?”

“I'm not special.” Virgil whispered quietly, avoiding his soulmates’ eyes. “I'm surrounded by literal mythical beings and I’m just normal.”

“Well,” Logan chuckled, sharing a knowing look with Remus. “I must say I disagree with that sentiment. In fact, I do believe you may be the most special of all of us.”

Virgil’s eyes filled with confusion as he raised an eyebrow in confusion. “I am not.”

“I mean, going by statistics alone, you are the only full bred human among us. The rest of us are selkies.” Logan smirked coyly as he rested a hand on Virgil’s knee. “Therefore, if judging on rarity alone, you are special above all of us.”

“Only if you’re using the lamest metric possible to judge me on.”

“Oh, I am not finished dearest.” Logan smiled as Virgil grumbled. “You are strong where we are weak.”

“What?”

“You are not bound by a pelt, love.” Logan smirked as he traced his fingers up to where Virgil’s hand rested on his thigh. “Should humans land on the island, we are significantly safer with you around because you do not have the same weaknesses as us.”

Virgil hesitated, trying to ignore the tingling in his arm as Logan traced circles on his skin. “I never thought about it that way.”

“Certainly not, because it is as natural to you as breathing.” Logan smiled, not even looking up as he pulled a soft gasp from Virgil as he continued to gently massage his arm. “Much like you seem to overlook your ability to handle our pelts with such ease as a given attribute. Whereas to us, it is a show of incredible strength and self-restraint beyond that of most of your species.”

“I don’t think I should be praised for not turning you into a mindless drone, Lo.” Virgil raised his lip on disgust at the idea, though the expression was short-lived.

“Neither do I, Virgil.” Logan whispered as his fingertips reached Virgil’s elbow.

The light touches along Virgil’s joint sent gentle, lightning-like pulse up his arm, pulling another light gasp from him. “What are you do—”

“However, I do think it is worth considering that it translates to your other traits.” Logan continued quietly. He barely looked up, deep in focus as he rested Virgil’s hand back on his leg and picked up his other hand. “I have already commented on your near selfless behavior, and though I have my concerns about how your self-esteem fuels that trait, it is commendable nonetheless.”

“Logan—” Virgil whined, letting out a breathless sigh as Logan continued his methodic tracing of his arm.

Logan paused briefly, smirking up at the blissful look on Virgil’s face as Remus giggled behind him “Not to mention, I think it is worth noting that your interactions with Patton show that you are both empathetic and compassionate.”

“What are you doing?” Virgil whispered breathlessly.

“Reminding you of all the reasons you are special, love.” Logan whispered, feigning innocence as he smiled knowingly as Virgil’s eyes fluttered wearily.

“I was talking about whatever you’re doing to my arms, you bastard.” Virgil chided weakly, barely keeping his eyes open.

“Sometimes the energy conduits in your body constrict and stop flowing properly due to prolonged stress.” Logan smiled, stopping his movement as he reached up to brush Virgil’s hair from his eyes. “With some practice, I have figured out how to use the gentle application of pressure to allow the energy to flow more efficiently.”

Virgil groaned, rolling his head back into Remus' shoulder. “Do you ever play fair?”

“No,” Logan smirked, drawing his fingertips down Virgil’s jaw. “I have grown accustomed to getting my way.”

Virgil glared up at him, chewing on his lip. “I know I'm overreacting, but—”

“There is no shame in being nervous, dearest.” Logan interrupted gently, smiling reassuringly at him. “but you've contributed a great deal to our lives already and I hate to see you undermine your own value.”

“I haven’t done anything”

“Oh, please.” Remus hushed him with a smirk. “Your presence has changed everything around here.”

Logan’s expression softened as Virgil rolled his head back in disbelief. “What Remus says is true. Obviously, it goes without saying that you have had a significant effect on Remus and I but I think perhaps you don't see the way your presence has affected the others.”

“What do you mean?”

Logan leaned forward, resting a hand on Virgil’s as he continued. “Patton adores you. He has continued to talk about you constantly since the day you were accidentally introduced to him—”

“—and Jan-Jan won't admit it but he's excited to have someone new around." Remus purred into his ear with a sympathetic smile. “The rest of us have known each other since we were kids and it’s been a bit isolating for him.”

Virgil’s eyes dropped to his lap as he leaned into Remus, processing their words. “Roman's really okay with me being out?”

Logan smiled, subtly squeezing Virgil’s hand. “Roman said so himself, love. You have a place here.”

Virgil slowly let out the breath he'd been holding as his grip tightened on Remus' arm. “Okay.”

“Okay?” Logan prompted hesitantly.

“I'll do it.” Virgil bit his lip, nodding stiffly. “It's not like I can avoid it forever anyway.”

The energy around him shifted quickly and he could feel the excitement almost bubbling around him as his soulmates perked up. Remus' arm uncoiled from around him as Logan pulled him to his feet rather suddenly.

Not for the first time, Virgil was grateful that the selkie's grace made up for his own clumsiness. A deep blush settled onto his cheeks as Logan hooked his waist, pulling him close. The selkie’s hair brushed his forehead lightly, sending shivers down his body as Logan leaned his forehead down to his with a contented sigh.

“Thank you, dearest.” Logan whispered, pulling him toward the door. “I promise it will be well worth your time.”

---

Virgil shuffled behind Logan and Remus reluctantly as they led him through the tunnels. His shoulders curled forward, tensing as he tried to make himself smaller as the narrow tunnel began to open up. His anxiety burned in his chest as the loud sound of rushing water filled his ears. He slowed his pace at the entrance to the cave, pausing entirely as he found himself staring out in awe at the open space.

He barely even noticed as Logan and Remus continue on without him as his eye adjusted to the dim light. Hesitantly, he peeked around the corner, letting his eyes trace up the high walls of the cave disappeared into the shadows. His attention slowly drifted to the sound of rushing water as he lifted his head to see a shimmering glimmer on the far wall. A rush of mist rushed past his face as he stepped out into the open and he let out a small gasp as he realized the far wall was made up by a giant waterfall.

“Beautiful. Isn't it?”

Virgil jumped at the sudden voice behind him. His body tensed and his head spun over his shoulder, relaxing slightly at the sight of Janus' white pelt standing out against the darkness.

“Yeah,” Virgil dropped his gaze, shoving his hands in his pockets as Janus came to stand next to him. “It's pretty impressive, I guess.”

A smile twitched at the corner of Janus' lips as he glanced down at Virgil. “This island holds many wondrous secrets, but this place has always been a particular favorite of mine.”

Dark circles filled the space under Virgil’s eyes as he tipped his gaze up to Janus, crossing his arms. “Yeah?”

“Certainly,” The dim light glistened on Janus' gilded scars as he nodded quietly. “This island has offered sanctuary to us all and there's no denying how fortunate we were to find such a beautiful home, but personally, I'm only truly at peace when I can breathe in the ocean air. The waterfall isn't the same, but the mist offers its own comfort.”

“You don't ever go out?” Virgil questioned, raising an eyebrow up at Janus as the selkie stared wistfully at the waterfall.

Janus shrugged, casually glancing over at Logan and Remus on the far side of the cave. “Of course we do, but it's not as often as any of us would like.”

“Right.” Virgil muttered, chewing his lip as he glanced up at the distant look in the selkie’s eyes. “I guess Logan mentioned that you guys have to be careful, but that doesn't seem fair to deny yourself that comfort when it's so close.”

Janus sighed, crossing his arms across his chest. “Our choices are what brought us here, so to complain about the consequences is redundant. For better or worse, this is our reality now.”

“You hardly seem to have had a choice in your situation.” Virgil muttered quietly, deep in thought.

“Perhaps not originally,” Janus smirked softly at Virgil’s acknowledgement. “but at this point, it's my choice to follow Roman and I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

Virgil felt his anxiety rise in his chest at the mention of Roman’s name, but he forced his expression to remain neutral. He tapped his fingertips on his arm as he looked down at the ground, eyeing Janus curiously. “What choices brought the others here?”

Janus’ knowing smirk widened. “Forgive me for pointing out the obvious, but I do believe either of your lovers would be more equipped to answer that question than myself.”

“I know. I just—” Virgil stalled as Janus turned to stare at him. He shifted his gaze away, rolling his eyes as Janus chuckled at him. “Just, never mind.”

“Don’t worry, Virgil. I understand.” Janus smiled gently at him. “It's new and you’re still learning to trust them.”

Virgil stopped chewing his lip, looking up at Logan and Remus on the far side of the cave. They were laughing as they sat next each other worked together to light the kindling for the fire. “I'm not worried about them, Janus. I'm worried about what they’ll think of me.”

“Trust me when I say there's nothing you can do to that will scare them away.” Janus reassured him with a knowing smile, running his fingers down the pelt on his shoulders “Even if they weren’t your soulmates, both of them are too insufferably optimistic about people to think ill of you.”

Virgil smirked rolling back on his ankles. “Hopefully, with that advantage I'll be able to live up to their expectations for me.”

Janus smirked, shrugging his shoulders. “You have nothing to worry about, Virgil. Truly, they adore you already."

“Thanks.” Virgil smiled faintly casting a grateful glance up at Janus. “I appreciate the—”

“Vee!”

Virgil let out a quiet grunt as a small force curled around the back of his knees, nearly knocking him forward onto the ground. He looked down to see Patton’s wet, brown hair as he curled around Virgil’s legs.

“Hey.” Virgil grinned softly as he knelt down to ruffle the kid's wet hair as he giggled. “Long time, no see, kiddo.”

“Finally, the mystery is solved.”

Virgil jumped instinctively at the sound of Roman’s voice behind him. He barely had a moment to react before a hand rested on his shoulder and he looked up to see Janus smiling down at him reassuringly before turning to move back to Roman.

“And what mystery is that, my dear?” Janus cooed as he stepped toward Roman, reaching out to intertwine his fingers around his soulmate’s. An adoring smile spread across his face as he ran his fingers through Roman’s damp, dark hair.

“Our littlest selkie has started referring to his elders as kiddo, and for the life of me, I couldn't figure out where he'd even learned the word,” Roman’s head tipped up to Virgil with a gentle smile. “but it would seem that I've found it's source.

“I'm sorry.” Virgil replied, running his fingers through his hair as he dropped his gaze.

“No need to apologize, Virgil.” Roman replied immediately, holding a hand out in reassurance as Virgil slowly tipped his head back up to him. “I actually find it quite endearing.”

“Oh.” Virgil blinked. He couldn’t help but be shocked at the gentleness in Roman’s voice as he spoke to him. “Right.”

“Vee—” Patton whined impatiently as he leaned his hands into Virgil to get his attention. “—I went swimming today.”

“Did you now?” Virgil felt his confusion melt away as the kid's eyes sparkled up at him.

“I did!” Patton grinned as he rolled forward on his feet. “I went all the way down to the bottom and I wasn’t even scared.”

“That's amazing, kid.” Virgil chuckled as Patton leaned into shoulder. “You’re a lot braver than me.”

Patton beamed at the praise, absently grabbing a handful of Virgil’s shirt as he rolled forward on his feet in excitement. “I brought something for you.”

“For me?” Virgil blinked in surprise. His eyed flitted up to Roman and Janus, chewing his lip at their warm smiles as he turned back to Patton. The kid was almost bouncing as he lifted his hands up and unfolded them for Virgil.

“Yeah, here.” Patton whispered as he held out a dark, black rock. The outside was rough and unremarkable, but as the kid turned over the rock, Virgil’s jaw dropped. The far side of the rock was broken, and Virgil could see glittering purple crystals inside.

“Pat, wow." Virgil whispered as Patton dropped the crystal in his hand. He stared blankly down at the crystal as he ran his fingers over its smooth surface. Warmth spread across his chest as turned up at Patton with a soft smile. “Are you sure you don’t want to keep it for yourself?”

“It's ‘kay.” Patton murmured as he leaned his head into Virgil’s shoulder, curling his arms around Virgil’s bicep. “You need it for your new room. Janus says the purple ones keep the bad dreams away.”

“My new room?” Virgil echoed in disbelief, feeling his shoulders slump as Patton continued to ramble excitedly.

“I didn't want you to be scared, if you have to turn your lamp off.” Patton finished with a tired smile as Virgil wrapped an arm around his waist.

“That was meant to be a surprise,” Roman chuckled softly above him. “but I suppose the kid's tired rambling is as good a way to find out as any other.”

Virgil stood up, gently lift Patton into his arms with him. He looked up at Roman as Patton leaned his head into his chest. “What do you mean?”

“Logan’s room has been functional up until this point but since you’re going to stay, you need to have a space that’s all your own.” Roman smiled as he leaned back into Janus’ chest. “We've got temporary furnishings to get you by for now, but of course eventually we’ll get you something more to your taste.”

“You would do that for me?” Virgil whispered, feeling his voice quiver with emotion.

“Of course, Virgil.” Roman’s expression softened as Patton leaned on Virgil’s chest. “This is your home now. You need a space that belongs only to you.”

“Maybe, but—” Virgil took a small breath as Roman smiled at him reassuringly. “—but, like, personalizing it seems expensive. I wouldn’t want to put you out.”

“To be honest, Logan’s negotiation techniques are effective and the resources we tend to trade are bountiful.” Roman let out a soft snort, looking over at Janus as he rolled his eye. “Not all of us have Logan’s high taste, but his room is proof that he can get his hands on most anything for you.”

“Thank you.” Virgil whispered, unable to think of anything else to say as an unexpected warmth flooded his body.

“There’s no need to thank me or anyone else. The fact that we were going to make you comfortable was a given when you decided to stay.” Roman smiled patiently as Virgil ducked his head to hide the flush on his cheek as gratitude flooded his chest. “Now, let's get this kid some food before he passes out on you.”

“S-sure. No problem.” Virgil nodded as Roman reached down n to pull Patton off where he'd laid his head on Virgil’s shoulder. The selkie edged past Virgil, followed shortly by Janus. Virgil rose to his feet and hesitantly turned to follow Roman and Janus as they moved to join Logan and Remus around the roaring fire his soulmates had managed to conjure up. Virgil took his time following. He reached his wrist to his eyes, wiping the tears from his eyes before following behind the selkies.

---

Everything seemed to blur around Virgil as he stepped out to join the family of selkies. He could feel tingling on his skin as the sounds of laughter filled the air and the light of the fire flickered on the walls of the cave. The smell of smoke was dampened as it vented out through the gaps of the edge of the waterfall.

Despite Virgil’s best effort, he could feel his energy draining as the selkies moved around him as they prepared the meal. Time seemed to pass slowly as they moved about their routine around him. He knew he should engage but as time passed their words slowly started to melt into the background of his mind. His skin prickled as he stepped back, watching as Logan tossed a bundle of herbs into the pot in which he was cooking as he conversed quietly with Janus.

A sad smile spread across his face as he gravitated towards the shadows, watching the family smile fondly as Patton climbed up to help Logan as he attempted to prepare some sort vegetable that Virgil didn’t recognize. The simple moments held a certain kind of beauty, but as he stood alone, he couldn’t banish the feeling of being disconnected from everyone else at bay. He leaned into the cave wall, so lost in thought that he nearly jumped out of his skin when a pair of arms wrapped around his waist.

“Why ya lurkin'?”

Virgil instantly relaxed at Remus' voice in his ear. He crossed his arms, subtly leaning back into Remus' chest. “I'm not lurking.”

“You’re creeping in the shadows, pretty boy.” Remus cooed quietly into Virgil’s ear. “That's lurkin' by definition.”

Virgil tensed, feeling heat rush to his cheeks as he dropped his eyes to the ground. “I didn’t mean to—”

“Hey—Relax, man. Creep to your heart's content.” Remus pulled him deeper into the shadows as he rested his head in the nook of Virgil’s shoulder. “It's a little overwhelming. Isn’t it?”

Virgil sighed as Remus’ deep voice resonated through his chest as the warmth of his arms soothed him. “It shouldn’t be. Everyone’s been more than nice about letting me stay here.”

“Ain’t nobody letting you do nothing, babe.” Remus chuckled, pulling Virgil down so he was almost curled in Remus' lap as they rested back among the rocks. “Everyone’s excited to have you here.”

“I—” Virgil tensed as Patton squealed in excitement from across the cave. His attention flitted about the room as the feeling of being detached returned to his body as he watched the happy smiles of the family of selkies. Remus' hand curled into his own as his anxiety peaked. He paused, looking up into Remus’ emerald eyes long enough to bring him back to his body enough and relax into Remus’ warmth. “—Thank you, Re.”

“You don't have to thank me for nothing.” Remus purred as Virgil relaxed back into him. “Shit sucks when you feel out of place, especially when you’re supposed to feel like you’re at home.”

“Fucking stupid is what it is." Virgil muttered as curled into Remus' shoulder, eliciting a chuckle from the man holding him. Virgil smirked up at Remus and his expression softened at the melancholy in the man’s expression as he smiled down at Virgil. “You know what it feels like then?”

“I know.” Remus purred at the surprise in Virgil’s voice. With a dramatic flourish, his hand came to rest on Virgil’s leg as he played up his apparent distress. “It’s difficult to imagine that anyone could resist my dazzling charm, but there’s no accounting for taste.”

Virgil snorted, blushing as Remus’ crooked grin beamed down at him. He chuckled as he shyly dropped his gaze, leaning into Remus' shoulder. “Sounds like their loss.”

Softness spread across Remus’ dramatics melted into a fond smile and firelight flickered in his eyes as he stared down at Virgil. “You surprise me, Virge. I thought for sure you’d take longer than Lolo to warm up to me.”

“What do you mean?”

“Poor bastard actually cried when we found out were soulmates.” Remus chuckled as Virgil’s eyes darted to Logan and back to Remus.

“What?” Virgil's grip tightened on Remus' hand and he started to sit up.

Remus shrugged, smiling down at Virgil as he gently eased him back. “In his defense, we were both only a little older than Patton when we found out, so we were both pretty freaked.”

“You were that young?” Virgil relaxed slightly as Remus' arm curled around the back of his neck.

“Our pods traveled the same waters. We ended up at the same beaches throughout the year.” Remus chuckled. “I actually thought he was a bit of a stick in the mud before I got to know him. Couldn’t take a joke to save his life.”

“Really?” Virgil stared over at Logan across the room, unable to imagine a Logan who was anything less than the sultry man whose unearthly amount of confidence was constantly testing his wit's end.

“Thought I was going to end up giving up my entire life for some prude.” Remus chuckled. “Never In my life would I have imagined that he'd be willing to leave his own pod, let alone that he'd be able to outmatch me on my own bullshit better even than Roman.”

Virgil blinked, turning back to Remus in confusion. “He left his pod?”

“Soulmates are kind of a big deal, especially among selkies. Don’t matter how young you are. Once you’re matched, you’re expected to stay with each other.” Remus sighed. “Most pairs come from the same pods, but since we came from different pods one of us had to give up the life we knew.”

“Seems pretty harsh.” Virgil muttered. “You were just kids. How can they ask that of you?”

“At the time, I thought it was total sea horse shit,” Remus growled as he reluctantly shrugged it off. “but I was glad to have had him around when I did. My own pod didn’t like me much but thanks to him, I always had someone outside of Roman.

Virgil frowned, resting a hand on Remus’ waist as he drew quieter. “I thought you said he was upset.”

“Not upset, just scared.” Remus whispered with a smile. “As if all the overwhelming feelings weren't enough, Lolo was made even more nervous by the fact that I had a bit of a reputation.”

“I'm sure you did—”

“Not like I do now, Virge.” Remus cut him off abruptly, looking ashamed. “It wasn’t good.”

Virgil paused, surprised by Remus interruption.

“I was an angry kid. Ro was constantly bailing me out of brawls with my podmates.” Remus sighed, glancing over at Roman. “Hell, I can't even imagine if I didn’t have him in my corner. I give my brother a lot of shit, but he's always had my back when I needed him.”

“Why were you mad?”

“Felt out of place and lonely. People were drawn to Roman and repulsed by me.” Remus whispered. “I don’t care what anyone says. If a kid gets the idea in their that they’re not wanted, that shit messes ‘em up for life.”

“I know the feeling.” Virgil replied, quietly fidgeting with his sleeve.

“Gotta say though, my whole attitude changed when Lolo came around.” Remus whispered as a rosy blush spread across his face and he grinned down at Virgil. “God, he's so pretty. You know?”

Virgil smiled as he curled into Remus warmth watching his eyes light up as he talked about Logan.

“I was so scared he wouldn’t even like me. Might be the only time in my life I tried to dull myself down to impress someone.” Remus purred. “I was ready for another rejection but turns he was into all the same weird shit I was.”

“It's too soon for you to be dragging me into all your guys' kinky shit, Re.” Virgil teased, holding Remus'

“Fuck off.” Remus giggled. “We were kids, you freak.”

Virgil's breath caught in his throat as Remus curled his face into his neck. He squirmed, wrapping his arms around Remus’ neck in an attempt to stop him from tickling his neck with his mustache.

Remus let out a long breath Virgil curled across his lap, hands wrapped around his neck. “I thought I was alone in the world and then I suddenly had a friend who was willing to swim to the bottom of the harbor to dig up the best worms or see how far we could swim under the ice. It was like goddamn magic.”

Virgil smiled, reaching a hand up to run his hand through Remus’ dark curls. “That's really sweet, Re.”

“It was easily the best thing to happen in my life until I met you.” Remus purred, grin widening as heat rushed to Virgil’s cheeks. ““I can tell this is going to be just as life-changing.”

“I didn’t know you were such a sap, Re.” Virgil dipped his head into Remus' chest, hoping the shadows might hide the bright red flush spreading across his face.

“Can't help it.” Remus smirked. “You’re cute when you blush.”

“Shut up.”

Remus hummed contentedly as Virgil retreated deeper into his chest. He smiled, placing a gentle kiss on Virgil’s temple. “How are you feeling now, stormcloud?”

“Better.” Virgil admitted quietly, realizing he'd lost his nervousness as he listened to Remus.

“Good.” Remus smiled. “You’re going to find your place here, but while you’re figuring it out, you can always fall back on me when everything gets a little too overwhelming.”

“The same goes for myself, Virgil.”

Virgil blinked. He looked up to see Logan lingering next to them, his back to the firelight as he stared down at them.

“If ever you are feeling uncertain or overwhelmed, I hope you know you can seek refuge with myself or Remus.” Logan smiled as he slipped down next to them. “While I hope you do continue to join our family gatherings, there is no pressure to do so all at once. Stepping back when you need to is important for your own well-being and that is always our first priority.”

“Thank you. Both of you.” Virgil whispered, feeling warmth rise in his chest as his soulmates stared down at him with gentleness in his eyes. “Both of you. I-I don’t even know what to say.”

“Then say nothing, love.” Logan whispered with a soft smile as he ran a hand through Virgil’s hair. “Your feelings are shared by us all.”

Virgil nodded quietly, feeling the warmth spread from his chest to the rest his body as Logan rose to his feet and offered him a hand up.

“Now, I do hope you are hungry, because dinner is ready and everyone would like to see more of you.” Logan whispered, intertwining his fingers with Virgil’s. “if you are ready for that, of course.”

“I am.” Virgil’s heart jumped in in chest as his soulmates closed in on his sides. He'd never felt so relaxed they led him back to the campfire.

Roman was the first to look up as they approached. A gentle smile spread across his face as he looked up from the pot. “Sit anywhere you like, Virgil. I'll bring a dish to you.”

“Thank y—”

“No! Sit next to me!”

Virgil smiled as Patton jumped up to clear the spot next to him.

“Patton—There's no need to be so demanding.” Janus chided him softly.

Patton stopped, his small body leaned on the rocks for a moment as he considered Janus' words. After a brief moment, he quickly turned back to Virgil with a wide smile. “Pretty please will you sit with me?”

Virgil smiled at the kid’s enthusiasm, stuffing his hands into his pockets as he dropped down next to the kid. “Well, how can I say no to such a polite request?”

He could see Janus roll his eyes as the kid squealed and scooted over to him. His eyes lingered for a moment as Patton curled his fingers around Virgil’s hand.

“Have you picked a room yet, Vee?” Patton asked, leaning into his shoulder.

Virgil chuckled, as the kid’s eyes sparkled up at him. “Not yet, Pat. I haven’t had a chance to look around yet.”

“I think you should have the room next to mine.” Patton suggested proudly.

“That is certainly an option if you would never like to sleep again, Virgil.” Janus turned his gaze from the empty air around them back to Virgil with a smirk.

Virgil chuckled as Janus’ sarcasm didn’t seem to register in Patton’s mind as he looked eagerly up at Virgil. “I'm not sure, kiddo. I might have to see a few places first.”

“I can show you tomorrow.” Patton shouted gleefully. “I know all the best ones.”

“Sounds great, Pat.” Virgil smiled quietly. “but I don't think it's up to me if we can do that.”

“That's perfectly fine if that's what you want to do, Virgil.”

Virgil turned up his head, surprised to see Roman above him, hand extended as he offered Virgil a bowl. He hesitantly let go of Patton’s hand to take the bowl of soup from Roman, glancing cautiously at the faces around him.

“Of course, I do think that someone should accompany you both since you are unfamiliar with the tunnels, Virgil,” Roman smiled at his blank expression as he continued. “but I see no reason why that cannot be arranged.”

“I would be more than happy to accompany Virgil and Patton tomorrow.” Logan offered, dropping down next to him as Roman offered him a bowl. “I believe it would be wise anyway to have the input if someone whose familiar with each to point out potential cons as you choose your new living space.”

“Very well, but Patton will be your responsibility, Lo.” Roman continued, absently handing out bowls of food as he went. “It's not fair to place that expectation on Virgil until he’s settled in a bit more, especially when Patton has a habit of wandering off on his own."

“Of course. I do not mind the resp—"

“Really?” Virgil finally sputtered out. “You’re actually going to let me take the kid out tomorrow?”

Roman paused as Virgil’s timid voice broke his concentration and he turned back to face him. Guilt seemed to flash across his face as Virgil stared up at him in disbelief. “Of course, Virgil. Your restrictions have been lifted. We discussed this already.”

“I know—” Virgil whispered quietly, heat rising in his face as all the eyes in the room turned to him. “I guess I assumed the kid was an exception.”

Roman’s eyes softened as Virgil ducked his head down, running a hand through his hair. “No exceptions, Virgil. You’re part of our family now.”

Virgil’s mouth hung agape as he glanced around the warm expressions of the faces around him. He blinked, absently wrapping an arm around Patton as the kid leaned into his side.

“There are no more tests, love.” Logan whispered, curling an arm around his waist from beside him as he placed a gentle kiss on Virgil’s temple. “You can breathe now.”

Virgil nodded at Logan in apparent shock. He swallowed glancing around at the others as they nodded their own affirmations and turned back to their own conversations, leaving him to ponder the new information. A warmth welled in his chest as he settled in to the subtle contact of Logan and Patton on each side of him and slowly, a smile spread across his face as he brought a spoonful of the savory soup to his lips, listening to the family of selkies as their excited voices filled the air around him.

Somehow the sound of their voices around him wasn't so overwhelming anymore. The feelings of anxiety he'd had seemed to fade to the back of his mind as the hours the night began to pass him by, filled by the sounds of stories of his new family. A warm feeling of gratitude filled his chest that Logan had insisted on him coming out. He relaxed into Logan's shoulder, feeling the warmth of the warmth of the fire as he learned more about the wonderful people who had welcomed him into their home and he was happy.

---

General Taglist:

@somehow-i-got-an-account @justanotherhumanstuff @im-an-anxious-wreck

The Stowaway's Heart

@alias290 @lonelyanxiousbean @kieraelieson @evoodo123 @dndnerd1609 @lovesupernova25 @minninugget @trainwreckwithlimbs @ace-in-a-shopping-cart @the-spiral-sun @rachetssearch @twilight--trix @evelyn-nova @sluggerbot-2-5 @arsenicdragon @so-what-if-im-crazy@slutty-cinnamon-roll @inferiorfilth @bluerosesbleedred @maybedefinitely404 @deathdarknessdevils @itawalrus @judyismydog @im-actually-ok @romano-hottopic @monkeythefander @hope340 @dwbh888

#sanders sides #sanders sides fic #sanders sides fanfiction #sanders side fic #ts virgil #ts Logan #ts remus #ts logan #intrulogical #dukexiety #analogical #intruanalogical #roceit #The Stowaway's Heart #villain writes

113 notes · View notes

writershapeholeonthedoor · 3 years

Text

I’m slowly dying (with or without you) - Supercorp

Read on AO3

*trigger warning for panic attacks*

The first time Lena had a panic attack, she was sixteen years old and she had the application forms from MIT spread in front of her. She was admittedly too young to even have the forms, but she was a Luthor and Luthors have their ways more often than not. Since that was the first time it happened, all the cold sweat, chest pain and trouble breathing scared the living shit out of teenage her, who burst into Lex's room announcing she was having a heart attack. It only made sense, she tried to tell him while all her brother did was stare and stare some more. That's how their father died, after all, they had the genetic predisposition for it. Doesn't matter if Lena took the healthy lifestyle quite seriously, or that she took fencing classes four times a week, practiced tennis every Saturday and ate more vegetables than any other person on the planet. She was definitely having a heart attack.

It wasn't a heart attack, as the family doctor ruled out four hours later after Lex finally drove her to the ER. A panic attack, he explained, aggravated by the fact that Lena didn't know what it was, though it was a heart attack and, as a consequence, thought that she was dying. He gave her a prescription, told her she should search for a specialist and let them go back home. On the way back, Lex told her she shouldn't tell Mother.

"Mother doesn't believe in mental diseases. That's for the weak and she hates the weak."

Lena wanted to point out that Lillian already hated her anyway but her brother did enough for her for one day to get into a discussion with him. So, instead, Lena threw the prescription away and told Lillian she asked Lex to teach her how to drive and they spent the afternoon at a Walmart parking lot. Lillian wasn’t happy with that either, but she was never happy anyway.

Lena had many panic attacks after that first one. It was especially terrifying at first because Lena knew how bad it was, how it made her few like she was about to die, so she would freak out every time her heartbeat would peak for any reason or anytime she felt a tightness in her chest. She assumed that's why the therapy would come in handy, but she hadn't been brave enough to stand up against Lillian for twelve years and she wouldn’t start by demanding to be taken to a psychiatrist.

Instead, she found help in the only place that never failed to help her in times of need. Books.

Lena went to the library and she devoured every book that approached the subject. She took notes, she ate snacks, she made a pause to learn how to drive so Lillian wouldn’t be suspicious, but she learned all she could from those books. Over time, it got easier. She would be able to identify when it was about to happen, she learned breathing exercises, she acquired hobbies that helped calm down her heart rate instead of accelerating it, she started carrying a lavender extract air freshener in her bag, and, overall, she dealt with it by herself.

Lex, before he left home and assumed their father's position at the family's company, would sometimes help. He would engage her in chess matches, entertain her with anecdotes he found funny, explain something about his projects to her. It was almost like he knew what she was going through and he wanted to support her in his own way.

Ironic to think that the same boy who drove her to the hospital in the middle of a panic attack of his own, scared about losing his little sister, would one day become the cause of her panic attacks.

It first happened when she heard about the crimes Lex committed. The atrocities, all the deaths, the pain, the destruction. She knew her brother wasn’t a good person but she never imagined that he was a murderer – a genocidal one, in fact. So, when the first police officer knocked on her door to ask her questions after Lex's first attack, Lena did not react other than panic. Because that was her older brother, the man who taught her how to play chess and who made her life at the Luthor’s residence bearable, and then there was all this proof that the same man was a monster.

It happened again later that night, when she was alone and the words kept repeating in her mind. And it happened over and over again for the months that followed it, sometimes when she heard Lex’s name, sometimes when she saw a news report about it, twice during the trial she had to testify in, sometimes when she was alone and the silence became too loud.

That’s why she picked up her things and left for National City. A change of scenery, one of the articles said, can be the key to progress.

And things shifted and molded once she set foot in the new city. Between running around to build up a company from the ashes and dealing with the mess that was her personal life, Lena didn’t have enough time to think about anything else. She got better at the breathing exercises since she didn’t have enough time to distract herself with other things and, surprisingly, for the first time since she was sixteen, Lena felt like she could handle things just fine on her own.

Then she met Kara and things changed for real. Her first friend in the new city, her best friend in the entire world, made things easier for her. It was easier to breathe, it was easier to go through her day, it was easier to be. Lena never told Kara about her panic attacks – she told no one, actually. She always thought she might have to explain eventually if Kara walked inside her office one day to find her panting behind her desk but that never happened. Lena hadn’t had a panic attack since the day she met Kara and that was as concerning as it was alluring.

How could one person be both the solution and the cause of some of her biggest problems?

It made no sense. Lena would never understand the effect Kara had on her heart – her ability to make her heart beat faster on sight and calmer on demand. As though as she could trigger a panic attack with her smile but the calm feeling she brought with her made it impossible to happen. So, like many things in her life, Lena picked up the problem and, instead of dealing with it, she shoved it inside a box and then pushed it so deep inside her mind that it wasn’t even in the shadows.

(Like her abandonment issues, the frustrated dream of going to Disney only to have Lillian saying she couldn’t go, her fear of heights and the ocean, her trust issues and her undeniable feelings towards her best friend. All the above were securely locked inside her, never to see the light of the day.

For the long two years she had known Kara Danvers, Lena had forgotten how a panic attack could feel so... suffocating. Well, not entirely forgotten. More likely, lost in her memories, replaced by other bad feelings like facing death threats thanks to her own family, falling from buildings, piloting a helicopter, almost dying on a plane and it goes on. She almost had one when she shot Lex – when she found out the truth about the person she had trusted with the biggest parts of her soul, only to find out she had been lying this whole time. She certainly felt very close to having one when Kara confronted her at the Pulitzer. It almost happened when she finally told Kara she knew the truth for quite some time now right before trapping her at the Fortress of Solitude.

All those times the only thing that stopped it from happening was blue orbs staring right back at her. Even if filled with pain, confusion, or hurt, Kara still had the remarkable effect of sending calming waves all over her body. After shooting Lex; while in shock that Kara was admitting to a secret Lena thought she never would; while crying and begging for Lena’s forgiveness behind an impenetrable wall, even to her inhuman strength.

Kara wasn’t there that time though. There was only her, and Lex, and tons of experiments surrounding them, and a broken project on the floor, and a thousand lies.

“I gave you the world!” Lex’s breath was hot and wet from that close to her face. His eyes were so filled with rage, his skin trembling with the sheer force of it, that Lena couldn’t help but writhe under it. “Everything!” Even now, alone inside her apartment, sitting in the dark in complete silence, Lena could still feel the fury directed at her like a hot iron. “I supported you! I sabotaged nothing! Touched nothing! I sacrificed my own goals for you!” And then he lowered his voice, and he resembled his mother much more than their shared father in that second because Lillian Luthor never raised her voice but she always sent the message with the same intensity. “Because you needed to see your little project fail with your own eyes, to know the true depravity of humanity, to know that my way was the only way.”

It was fair to say that Lena couldn’t even remember what exactly she replied to her brother. All she knew was that she needed to get out, to get away from him, to escape. She said a few words, turned on her heels and made her escape without tripping on her own feet although her legs felt wobbly and, her muscles, unsteady. Once inside her house, Lena finally allowed herself to feel.

To feel.

What a weird concept, she thought while sliding down the wall of her bathroom, tears rolling down her cheeks and sobs shaking her body like there was an earthquake shaking her apart. Lena wasn’t good at recognizing and asserting her feelings, and it was even harder when all she felt was sorrow.

Sorrow for having trusted once more, sorrow for having made another mistake, sorrow for having believed, even for a second, that her brother could be different, that she could be different. That a Luthor could help change the world for good. She felt utterly stupid. There wasn’t a part of her cells that didn’t feel the disappointment, the sadness, the grief.

There was so much she needed to do to fix the mess she helped create. And the mix of suffocating feelings with the anxiety of making things right before Lex could destroy humanity eventually led her to an unstoppable panic attack, right there on her bathroom floor, with the shower still running on top of her, the night thick outside and the weight of the world on her shoulders. She knew it was coming from the moment she felt the sadly familiar tightness in her chest but there was nothing she could do to stop it this time.

The floor was cold beneath her, the water was too hot on top of her. Her sobs were shaking her to the core, her tears lost in the spray of the too hot water, her breath was short, shallow and too fast, her heart felt like it was trying to rip its way out of her chest, and her thoughts were running a mile a minute.

She needed to find a way to stop Lex – how could she have trusted him again? She would need help, she couldn’t do it alone. Lex had many friends and she had none – and whose fault was that, really? - Lex had control over every agency around the world now that he altered the timeline – and how did he even do that? - Lena would need to talk with Supergirl. Kara. Kara is Supergirl. Kara is Supergirl and she never told her that. Lex was the one who said it, not Kara, and he said it before Lena shot him.

But he wasn’t dead. Not anymore. He was right there, running the company that once belonged to her, making plans to control humanity like every person meant less than an ant and he was the only one capable of controling every single little thing. Did that analogy even make sense? She wouldn’t know. Her brain was barely functioning. Kara would have liked it either way.

Kara lied to her. For two years, the woman she called her best friend, invented lame excuses to leave her presence when she needed to be Supergirl and, for two years, Lena trusted her with her eyes closed and hands tied behind her back. That’s exactly how she felt in that second as well. Blinded and bound, incapable of moving, breathing even.

Panic attacks can kill, Lena is factually aware of that because she strumbled on stories during her researches. It could cause real heart attacks, veins could burst, lungs could collapse, it could be a real mess albeit very rarely. The ‘very rarely’ part was hard to remember when her chest didn’t seem to expand enough to accommodate air, when her heart was beating so fast she could hear it pounding on her ears, when her arms felt as heavy as two concrete blocks, when her head hurt so bad she felt like it was about to explode.

“I gave you the world!”

He didn’t. Lies. Those were all lies.

“I sacrificed my own goals for you!”

Lies. They were lies.

“I supported you!”

No one had ever supported her before. How foolish of her to think she could do anything right. Lillian was right, she was a waste of space and time. Lex was right, she was a stupid girl who dreamed too much. Her father, who could barely glance at her most days, was most certainly right to avoid her as well. She was a defect, an error, a deficiency on a spinning wheel that she couldn’t control.

Everyone seemed to control her but Lena didn’t have control over anyone.

Was she in the shower or the bathtub? She felt like she was drowning. She couldn’t breathe. She couldn’t breathe. She couldn’t breathe. She was drowning. She was going to die. The walls were closing around her. When did her bathtub get such huge walls? And when did it became so deep? Her lungs were filling with water, she was about to regurgitate the quick snack she ate earlier in the day, and she was going to die.

What a terrible way of going down, she thought between gasps for air and dry sobs. Naked and fallen in your bathroom. The paramedics will have a great laugh, at least. If she’s lucky enough, they won’t snap a picture as a memoir or to sell out to the journals. Although, in the new timeline they found themselves in, did anyone even care about who she was when Lex was the hero?

Guess she wouldn’t be around long enough to find out.

So lost in her own mind, trapped and tortured by it, it took Lena some precious seconds to realize the hot water wasn't hitting her shoulders anymore. Ironically, it made the drowning sensation increase to a laughable level. If she could laugh, that is.

In the back of her mind, behind Lex's scream, Lillian's sneers, her father's passive face, her mother's hand disappearing underwater, she heard it. It was faint, shushed by the cacophony of sounds already screaming inside her head, and it honestly felt like someone was talking with her underwater.

"Lena."

Lena wondered if that's how it felt to be pulled into a hurricane. If that would have the same spiral, out of control, out of body experience. She heard it, her name being called out in the void that had become the space around her, but she couldn't identify the voice or the source. Sometimes it was Lex, screaming into her face. Sometimes it was Lillian, calmly calling her out in all of her life’s failures. Sometimes it was Supergirl, melting and mixing with the woman she once called her best friend. Sometimes it was herself, calling out for help. Either way, it did nothing to soothe her.

"Lena."

They were all right. She wasn't worth it. None of it was actually worth it. Not her project, not her research, not her hard work, not even humanity. Nothing.

"Lena, look at me."

Her eyes were open. She knew that because they were burning like fire - either because of the water or because of the tears, she wasn't sure. But she couldn't focus them. It was like there was nothing to look at. Nothing there. She was alone, as usual. No one wished to be around a Luthor. No one. And people seemed to like to prove that theory using her as the character in a study.

"Please, tell me what's wrong."

Hard to know where to start, to be fair. Was there anything right in her life? Her mother was dead, her father was dead, Lillian hated her, Lex was a manipulative little bitch, Kara was a liar, Sam was miles and miles away taking care of her own life, she had no one else, everything she worked so hard for was gone, not even her house was the same. And she couldn't breathe. She couldn't breathe. How could she still be thinking if she couldn't breathe?

"Are you hurt?"

Everywhere hurt. Every centimeter, as though someone had picked up a piece of wood and beat the crap out of her, albeit she had no recollection of that ever happening. Did that happen? Why was her body hurting like that? Why was her head hurting? And what's up with her chest? Was someone pressing it? Did anyone put a weight on it? What a stupid jerk, if so. Lena doesn't do sports, she can't lift it!

"Lena."

It sounded closer to the surface. Was someone pulling her out of the water? And when did she even get in the ocean? Lena doesn't swim.

"Lena?"

Uncertain. She could relate. And that tone made a bell ring inside her head. Her name, said in that intonation, with such uncertainty, by that voice. She heard it before. Where did she hear it before? Why was she hearing it now?

"Let me help you get up."

That pulled her right out of the water. It was like someone hooked a hand on the back of her neck and unceremoniously pulled her up. The difference was shocking, the reaction was visceral and she was left feeling exactly like a fish out of water.

"Don't touch me!"

She hadn't been touched, Lena realized a second later. Not yet, at least, but a pair of hands were reaching out for her and they were just an inch away before her loud yell stopped them. It came from deep inside her chest, her diaphragm expanding and burning before releasing all the fury like an animal - a scared, cornered animal. The hands retreated immediately and Lena was left to her own. Her ears rang with her scream and she was transported once again to her laboratory a few hours prior.

"Don't touch me," she repeated and it was like someone poked a balloon with a needle. All the anger, all the vice was gone. Left was the defeat, something she was used to but hurt just the same. "Please, don't touch me."

Silence. Despite her heart ringing in her ears, there was silence. Loud. Suffocating. Maddening.

"Okay." She breathed out of water for the first time in what felt like ages. "Okay, I won't."

The air was thick with steam and Lena was reminded of the shower she was supposed to be having. The heavy breaths, the racing heart, the pounding head, it was all still there, and it didn't get any better when she remembered she was naked, sitting on the cold tiles of her bathroom floor, not alone anymore and not in the dark. Was she not alone for long? Had she moved at some point? Her legs were firmly pressed against her chest, her knees raising so high that she could rest her chin on them and, thankfully, it meant all her front was covered, and it also felt like her muscles had been stuck in that position for years, so maybe she hadn't moved. But she also didn't know when she got company. How did she get company? All her doors were locked. She lived on the fifth floor and, even so, the windows were closed.

"Can I..." How did she get inside? "Here, just let me..."

There was shuffling around, the sound of fabric scraping together and Lena was once again reminded of how sensitive her ears got while in the middle of her crisis. Suddenly, pulling her out of her thoughts, she felt something falling over her shoulders and back. Whatever it was, it was heavy, soft and warm, and it helped to set her mind back in the present, her eyes focused, her head snapped up and her breath hitched.

And then she saw her. Well, rationally, Lena knew she was there all along, but her brain wasn't exactly functioning the right way so it was only fair it took her so much time to see Kara Danvers standing in front of her. Not so much standing, the woman was crouching, in fact, her arms reaching out around Lena and her hands holding the edges of something she assumed was the same thing that was draped over her shoulder.

Her former best friend's face was contorted in worry. The crinkle between her brows was prominent, the bright blue eyes were clouded in concern, her lips were tightly pursed in a thin line, and Lena was hooked by her look almost immediately. It was good to have something else to concentrate on, she tried to argue with herself, as though it would explain why her eyes kept moving around Kara’s face like she was a damn Michelangelo sculpture.

The hands didn’t touch her, successfully avoiding her skin after her explosion, but Lena still thought they were too close for comfort. The ends of whatever was dropped on top of her came to lay on her knees, in front of her arms, and Lena noticed that it skillfully covered all of her body. Curious, she forced her eyes to stop staring at blue ones and look down, albeit the pressure on her throat did no good to her current panicking state.

Red. Red like Supergirl’s cape. Lena panted quite heavily when she recognized that it was, in fact, Supergirl’s cape. Now being used as a blanket to cover her naked body, something she never thought would happen. The material felt harsh against her sensitive, reddened skin, brushing against her in an almost painful way. It was also heavier than it looked, definitely pushing her shoulders down and ruining her posture. But, oh, so warm. So warm.

“Lena, what happened? Can you tell me?”

Her eyes moved back at the blonde force of nature standing in front of her. The rest of the suit was missing, Lena realized, although not sure why her brain decided to jolt back to life to realize that specific detail. Kara was wearing jeans and a black deo sweatshirt that looked so soft that Lena wished she could bury her face in it and never let go. If Kara would still be wearing the sweater while she did that, well, that would just be a bonus.

“Talk to me, please. I’m worried.”

She certainly looked like it, Lena’s mushed thoughts wanted her to say. With a grimace, Kara indeed looked as worried as she could get. Her features reminded Lena of other times – of crashing helicopters, assassination attempts, falling from rooftops - all of which she hadn’t control over but she had Supergirl around to save her and make things easier. It was hard to associate the worried face of her best friend with the unbreakable pose of the superhero, even more so when they were blending together right now in front of her.

"Okay, Lena, you have to take deep breaths." No shit, she wanted to say. Do you think I enjoy breathing those shallow breaths that makes me gasp and leaves me desperate for more air? Not at all. It's not like her body was cooperative either.

"Can you do that?"

Lena didn't particularly feel like she would ever be able to breathe normally again. Rationally, she knew it would all go away in a few moments - leaving behind the dull ache in her chest and the bad feelings to deal with. However, stuck in her own mind, unable to breathe, fully panicking and totally lost, Lena was certain she was either going to live the rest of her life like that or that she was about to die - which, come to think about it, were actually one and the same.

Establishing that did nothing to help her calm down, unfortunately.

"Here, try with me."

She didn't want to. Lena truly didn't want to. She wanted, needed, Kara to move. She felt cornered, her back pressed against the wall and Kara in front of her. Her breath wasn't going to ease anytime soon while she was feeling like that. When Kara could so easily just... scream at her face, yell, grab, hurt. No, she needed space.

"Get out," her voice was hoarse, out of breath, and held none of the commands she intended it to have. Of course, the woman didn't move. "Get out."

To no avail. Her second request also fell on deaf ears. Well, selective ears, more likely. "I know you're mad at me, but you're clearly not okay so I'm not leaving you alone."

Lena didn't want to be alone. She just wanted to see the door. She wanted to see the exit and know there was a way out. Although, considering the inhuman force standing in front of her, was there really a way out? She couldn’t push Kara away, she wasn't strong enough. Supergirl was an unmovable object and Lena was no unstoppable force.

That was clearly the wrong route for her thoughts to take. Her already short breath became more erratic, her vision blurred and her chest tightened so painfully that she couldn’t help but think she was wrong and it was indeed a heart attack.

"Move," she choked. She was drowning again, faster than before. And who gave Kara the right to push her back in the water after taking her out?

For the second time.

Fortunately, Kara seemed to understand what she meant. At least, parts of it. Because she moved, taking a step to the side the best she could on her still crouching position. For a second, she just stopped there, eying Lena with bright blue eyes and furrowed brows, before she ducked her head.

"Please, tell me how I can help you."

Lena needed help. She could do it without it but she would be better sooner if she accepted the help. She didn't deserve - the soft voice, the worried face, the cape getting wet against her damp skin - but Kara was still there and Lena could be selfish for a few more minutes just so she could breathe again.

"The water."

The blonde was up to her feet in less than a second - literally, even. Lena would blame the adrenaline rush for her achievement, but she was able to shoot her hand out and grab Kara's hand before she could go farther away. Confused, the woman looked down. Broken, Lena looked up.

"Don't."

There was a pause, precious seconds being wasted, before Kara's eyes widened slightly and her other hand moved to turn the shower faucet again. The water hit Lena's back like thunder, sending electricity all over her nerves. It was hot, hotter than it was healthy to be, and it burned more painfully than she was comfortable with. But it pulled her out of the ocean again, it put the floor back under her feet, and Lena allowed the small comfort to wash over her.

Kara just stood there, her shoes getting wetter and the legs of her pants getting damp with the water splashing on the tiles, but she didn't move. Lena realized she was wearing comfortable sweatpants and a DEO hoodie that made her wonder what her former best friend was doing before showing up in her bathroom. How could she have her cape and not the rest of her suit? Kara just blinked down at her.

Then Lena let her hand drop back to her knee, releasing Kara from her hold - although, Kara could have freed herself just as easily. That seemed to bring the tall blonde back to life because she instantly moved out of the way again, leaving enough room so Lena could see the shower glass door and the bathroom’s wooden door. Her way out.

"You still need to take deep breaths."

"I-I-I-I ca-can't," Lena shook her head as she spoke, which didn't help with getting the words out.

There was a deep sigh all of sudden and she was almost offended to realize it had come from Kara. But then the other woman was moving again before her eyes could focus on her face and Lena was left to imagine if she was annoyed or not. Probably so. She probably realized Lena didn't deserve her help and that she got her sneakers wet for nothing.

Just as Lena was about to sob again, Kara sank by her side. Quite literally, she was standing one second, and then sliding by her side using the wall to support herself in the next one. Lena could only watch when the blonde sat by her side like the shower wasn't getting her clothes completely wet as well, like her loose hair wasn't clinging onto her skin and messing up her curly strands, like she wasn't sitting beside a naked and panicking woman.

Before Lena could even ask what the hell she was doing - if she could even find her voice - Kara reached her right hand out until she grasped Lena's left one. For a second, it felt like a complete stranger was touching her, like they had never touched before. It took a second, and then Kara's hand was like a rock against her trembling ones and Lena let herself be guided until her palm was resting against the woman's sternum. Kara held her hand there firmly as though she was afraid Lena would try to pull away, though she wasn't sure she could even move at that moment.

"Here, with me. In." Lena tried. "In, Lena. Deep breath in, come on, you can do it. In." Her lungs expanded and Kara nodded, copying her movement almost exaggeratedly. "Now out, slowly." She tried but it came out shaky and unsteady, so she gave up in the middle of it, letting out a huff of breath. "Again." Against Kara's chest, her hand followed the movements of her muscles and she tried to force her lungs to match the same pace.

Tired, Lena closed her eyes and let her head fall back until it hit the wall behind her. The water was now cascading down her face and neck, but she couldn’t find it in herself to care. She had managed to get on the safety boat and Kara was slowly pulling her back to shore.

"Does counting help?" She shook her head no. "Silence?" Another shake, more urgent this time. "Okay, I guess the blasting rock music should have been my tip-off."

Lena chuckled. It held no real humor - because she didn't find any amusement in that - but she still felt the need to let the other woman know the distraction was appreciated. Before a panic attack would start, silence, breathing exercises and calming music would do wonders to her. But after it was already happening, there wasn't much she could do to help herself.

"Maybe it could help?" Kara offered gently. "Not blasting rock on your stereo, but some music, I mean. I could go put it on."

"No," Lena shook her head again. Her breathing had started to even out, albeit it peaked again under the prospect of being alone again.

"Okay." Kara squeezed the hand she was holding. "Tell me what I can do to help."

Lena breathed in and out twenty more times - she counted them as her muscles started to lose some of the tension - before she released a deep sigh. "You already are. Just... Just stay here."

“I’m here,” the blonde stated without an ounce of doubt in her voice, or any indication that she might not be there any time soon, so Lena allowed herself to focus on her breaths.

Kara didn’t let go of her hand and she didn’t try to recover it, and it took her a few seconds to realize that was the first time in almost a year that they were touching each other. Lena wasn’t sure whose fault that was anymore – not when her brain was still foggy. All she knew, all too well, was the pain still lingering in her chest, poking her wounds, breaking her walls at the same time it put two bricks at a time to replace the one that went down. And Lena learned that it was the only thing worth carrying around because it was the only thing that made you wiser – the good feelings make you weaker, Lillian would say.

“This might cheer you up,” the woman beside her commented suddenly and Lena almost jumped out of her skin – for a second, she forgot someone was keeping her company in her very large bathroom. “I beat Alex’s ass today. We were sparring. I won. Don’t believe her if she tries to tell you otherwise.”

Lena was sure she was lying. It was quite obvious when Kara was lying. Her voice got just a note higher and she spoke in broken sentences, as though her mind couldn’t form a complete long-phrase and would just come up with things as she spoke. Lena knew that. She had noticed that little quirk of her friend a few months into their friendship. It still amazed her how long she allowed herself to be blinded by Kara’s secret just because she thought...

What did she think, exactly? That Kara wouldn’t lie to her? That Kara was different from every other person who had ever been a part of her life? Even when she knew when her friend was lying? Even when she knew Kara’s voice enough to know when she was hiding something?

Who was the real idiot there?

Feeling overly exposed to those intrusive thoughts that were doing nothing to help her, Lena hugged the red cape closer around her body and shivered. Although the water falling from the shower was hot, it wasn’t enough to keep the soaked cape warm enough to keep her body temperature high, neither was the cold floor against her naked skin helping in any way. She wasn’t about to move, though.

“I was doing my laundry when I heard your heartbeat spike.”

The admission sounded quieter and almost shy, but Lena didn’t have the strength to look over at the woman who used to know all of her secrets – and offered only lies in exchange – to see it herself. Instead, she kept breathing in a perfect match with Kara. In and out. In and out. Hold in, slowly out.

“I tried to call your phone, but you didn’t answer. I called your name, but I didn’t get a response. I thought you were dying, so I panicked and broke your balcony door. I will fix it, promise.”

Lena almost laughed at that. She tried to picture it, the puppy reporter holding a shovel or mixing cement. The prospect of having Supergirl doing it was even funnier. And, for God’s sake, Kara Danvers is Supergirl and she had to hear it from Lex after she shot him.

“I thought I was dying too,” Lena confessed in a weak whisper that was barely audible.

Kara’s thumb was doing circles on the back of her hand and on the side of her wrist. For how long she had no idea, but that seemed to be the last paddles taking her to shore. “What happened?”

“I gave you the world! Everything!”

She could still feel it. His breath against her face, his saliva hitting her skin, his voice ringing against her ears, resounding on her head, breaking her down. Lex himself had never laid a finger on her. Over the years he had paid numerous men to try and take her life – and how many of those attempts were stopped by Supergirl? – but her own brother never physically assaulted her. Words, on the other hand, were his biggest weapon and Lex was a master at operating his guns.

He learned that from Lillian, as did Lena, ironically. Although the three of them were very different from each other. While Lillian held venom in her words, she never raised her voice. Lena had seen her in many levels of anger throughout her life, but she never saw her scream or yell. Lex dealt with things like her total opposite. He wouldn’t scream at every corner, however, he would get frustrated very easily and his way to lash out was to yell and let it all out. Meanwhile, Lena used sarcasm and some very well-made phrases.

She had only screamed once out of anger and it had been into Supergirl’s face right before she locked her away like an animal. Lena didn’t think she would have been able to scream if she was confronting Kara instead. Sweet, innocent Kara, although now she knew the truth. Now, months later, she wasn’t even sure she could scream at Supergirl again.

“Lena, breath in and out with me.”

Her breathing had accelerated again. It made sense, Lena thought with a generous amount of bitterness. Thinking about Lex and Lillian did that to her. “I think I’m going to puke.” As soon as she said it, her stomach made a sickening churn and she heaved a dry gasp. There was no thinking. She was going to puke.

“Can I help you get to the toilet?”

The other alternative was puking all over Supergirl’s cape. And maybe the idea was a little appealing, she wasn’t going to lie, but she also didn’t wish to puke all over herself. So instead Lena nodded and, in a blink, Kara slid from her sitting position to the same crouching stance she had before. This time, she held Lena's hand still close to her chest before she searched for the other one underneath her own cape. Lena was in no condition to be self-aware of her nudity or the fact that her former best friend was brushing much more skin than she was comfortable with.

“Here, I will pull you up and carry you.”

Lena wanted to protest but the bile was already high on her throat, her legs were still shaking and her head was spinning. Nodding, she let herself be pulled up to a standing position. In that second, many things went through her head – she was going to puke right then and there, the cape was sliding off her shoulders and her front was definitely naked, and Kara was very, very impressively holding her up since Lena had no strength on her muscles. The blonde let go of one of her hands so she could use the other one to adjust the cape around the smaller quivering woman before she easily scooped her into her arms and stepped out of the shower.

They were both wet and water started dripping on the floor immediately. However, Lena was not going to worry about it when her body was rebelling against her. Kara kneeled on the floor, taking the brunette with her like she weighed less than a penny, and Lena was hovering over the toilet a second later. She hadn’t eaten anything after the quick snack earlier that day, Lena remembered too late, because all that rose in her throat was liquid mixed with bile that left a burning trail on the way. She panted a couple of times, emptying her already empty stomach, until all she could do was cough.

“Breathe,” Kara reminded her softly and she came to realize the woman was sitting behind her on the floor, holding her wet hair up and out of the way, drawing soothing circles on her back. “Do you need to go to the hospital? I can take you.”

“N-No.”

“Or maybe the DEO, if you prefer,” the not-so-secret-anymore hero tried again. “Or Alex. I can call Alex or take you to her.”

“Kara,” Lena interrupted her, one of her hands letting go of the sides of the toilet to touch the woman’s thigh behind her – the only place she could reach in their position. Her mind felt much lighter now that her body had made the last rebel act against her. “I will be fine. It’s a panic attack. I’ve had them before, it’s fine.” That came out all shaky and broken as she fought to get enough breath to say the words.

Strong fingers closed around hers on a strong thigh. “I don’t know what to do, please tell me what I can do to help.”

Lena sighed, her entire body losing the rest of strength it had and falling on her knees on the floor. She let her upper body rest against the side of the toilet, trying to ignore the smell coming from it, as her fingers dug into a muscular thigh so hard that she was sure her knuckles were white. She closed her eyes and ran her other hand against her forehead to try to stop the drops of water and sweat from reaching her eyes.

She was allowed to be selfish for just a while longer.

“Alex kicked your ass, didn’t she?”

There was a startled silence behind her before a huff was heard, the warm breath hitting the side of her face. “She wishes. I totally won. Big time.”

The worst liar who ever existed – and Lena was the fool who fell for every single one of them. “Where’s the rest of your suit?”

“Washing.”

“I made the suit myself,” Lena reminded her. “It uses nanotechnology. You don’t have to wash it.”

“No need to brag, geez.”

Lena laughed. She just couldn’t help it. When was the last time she laughed? She couldn’t tell. It happened so long ago that she didn’t even remember that. One thing she was sure of: it was definitely because of Kara. And there she was again.

“Like I said, I was sparring with Alex. She insists I use my cape so I can learn how to escape if anyone grabs it.” Kara sighed. “She also said I should have kept the skirt and removed the cape.”

“What did you tell her?”

“That I still have the skirt somewhere if she wants to use it and see how it feels like.”

The younger woman scoffed and opened her eyes again. Her heart wasn’t beating so fast anymore, the worst of it seemed to be over, but her chest still felt tight. “You were wearing the cape with a hoodie?”

Kara looked down at her own outfit like she hadn’t noticed it before. Her clothes were soaked and clinging into her body, but she just shrugged. “I like the hoodie, it’s comfy.”

“Well, it’s better than what I have right now,” Lena avoided looking down because the last thing she needed was to see how very much naked she was in the presence of the woman she was once in love with.

Although it still felt like she was, being completely and utterly honest. Lena could lie to people around her but she wasn’t going to lie to herself. If she didn’t have any type of romantic feelings towards Kara, she would never have been blind enough to miss the huge piece of information that was almost screamed into her face every day. And if she had got over said feelings, she wouldn’t have followed Kara out to offer her condolences over Jeremiah’s death, neither would she spend two hours in a bookstore trying to find the perfect book, neither would she still have Kara’s photo in her phone and a perfect copy on her table.

“Do you want me to grab you something to wear?” Kara asked softly, as though she was also noticing for the first time that the other woman was naked – though, she did go out of her way to cover her when she got there.

Lena tossed the idea around her head a couple of times before she nodded. “Just... don’t be long.” How pathetic. Lillian would have smirked at her, the same smirk that made her feel like she was worth less than gum on her shoe. Lex would have laughed in her face.

“Two seconds, I promise.”

It took her two seconds, indeed. The gush of wind from her departure was not even gone before Kara was back, holding a change of clothes in her hands. She put it by the sink before stepping back with a shy smile.

“I will let you change, but I will be just outside, okay?”

“Kara, I-“ Lena closed her eyes in shame. “I don’t think I can stand by myself without puking again.”

Or passing out. Or starting another attack. Or wishing to throw herself from the closest window. Either way, Kara seemed to understand because she approached her again, this time with both hands extended in front of her body. Lena took them without a second thought, as though trusting Kara came as second nature to her – something she thought she had forgotten almost a year ago. The blonde helped her to her feet and Lena had to let go of one of her hands to hold the cape in front of her chest to keep it wrapped around herself.

She must be a view, she thought then. Wet, eyes swollen because of the tears, panic still lingering at the corners of her eyes and wrapped around Supergirl’s cape. She must have looked even more ridiculous than she felt.

Once standing, Kara held her hand for a few more seconds. “Are you good?”

“Yes.”

“Are you sure? Your heartrate is spiking again.”

Lena nodded. “I’m still in the middle of it. It will take a while to wear off.”

“What else can I do?” She had no answer for that and Kara clearly had no idea what to do, so she kept talking because that’s what she did. “What if I make you some tea? Would that help?”

“I guess.”

“Okay, good.” Kara nodded and took a step back, ready to get the new task in her hands done.

“Just...” the brunette sighed. “Just don’t close the door.”

Kara didn’t, and even if Lena was a little self-conscious about it, she was also thankful. Still shaking, she found herself a towel in the cabinet and let the hero’s cape fall from her body so she could get dry. Lena tried to do it as fast as she could. She could hear Kara moving around her kitchen and suddenly her bathroom felt too suffocating. She needed to get out.

Once completely dried, she picked the clothes Kara brought her. Yoga pants that she hadn’t worn since the last time she went to spinning classes – which, ironically enough, happened with Kara by her side – and a hoodie that Lena knew all too well. The gray sweater from National City University that belonged to Kara. The woman loaned her that when she found Lena drunkenly slurring her words out, drinking wine in her dark apartment, and turns out Lena never gave it back to her.

It’s not like she stole it. It’s just she wasn’t going to give it back to her friend without washing it first, but then she didn’t want to run any risks of ruining it, so she was going to do that separate from the other clothes. When she finally realized it, a month had gone by and they were having the third movie night where Lena was wearing the sweater and Kara had yet to say a thing. When she tried to give it back, Kara said she should make it her official movie night uniform.

Lena would never admit to wearing that sweater when she missed Kara during their fall-out, but she was also not going to deny it.

Either way, Kara had opened her closet – her ridiculously large closet – and between all the options, she chose her National City University hoodie for Lena to wear. That was, admittedly, the only hoodie Lena had, but she had other sweaters and long sleeve shirts Kara could have picked.

God, Lena was really going to grasp onto thin hopes, wasn’t she?

The bile was still burning in the back of her throat, so she moved to the sink next so she could brush her teeth, half wishing she could also have a mint or something. Even without it, she felt remarkably better already.

Kara was leaning against the counter with her right hip, dipping the tea bag inside her favorite mug - something ridiculously colorful with chemical elements all over that the woman herself gave Lena because it "reminded me of you" - and her face was serious, as though she was truly putting all her attention in not screwing up the task in her hands. She had pulled her hair in a ponytail to lock away the wet, messy curls, and her clothes seemed a bit drier, like she somehow had put it to fast dry while Lena changed. More likely she just used her breath or ran around for a few seconds. Her left hand was stuffed inside the pocket of her sweatpants, her jaw was set and Lena could see, even from the distance, that she was frowning as well.

And there was something in the way she just stood there, looking completely out of place and totally belonging there at the same time that just clicked something deep inside Lena.

Something she had buried away a long time ago, shoved inside a box and pushed it deep, deep, deep in her mind.

She could admit she had made a mistake when she started working with Lex, and she could admit she made a mistake when she locked Kara inside her own fortress, and she could admit she made a mistake when she closed her eyes to the truth screaming right into her face. She could admit she fell in love with Kara, she could admit she tried to fight it, she could admit it only broke her heart more than if she had talked with Kara about it. She could admit many things, but she would never admit how many times she dreamed about the scene in front of her. Dreamed about the domesticity that she always wished for, but never voiced.

“Are you feeling better?” Kara asked, snapping her out of her thoughts. The blonde had straightened her body against the counter, she picked up the mug between her long fingers and tried to smile, although it was constricted and uneasy.

Feeling better? Lena hadn’t felt better in almost a year. She felt angry, and lonely, and empty most of the time, and none of those feelings had washed away. They still hadn't. Those were some long months. It was a long time to spend alone, trying to find your way in a world you thought you knew while it seemed to be burning around you. It was a long time missing your friends, your found family, the days where everything was simpler. It was a long time battling to do good and hold everything together when you had no idea how to hold yourself together.

At least, she could breathe, unlike ten minutes ago when she was heaving desperate breaths on her bathroom floor.

So, she nodded. And Kara smiled a bit softer, and her next breath came a bit easier. At that moment, while her former best friend took a few steps closer to hand her the tea and offered her a smile she hadn’t seen in a long time, Lena realized she was remorseful. After everything that happened in the last hours, after another disappointment and another day missing and aching something that she lost, all she could feel was remorse.

She should apologize. She could try, at least. Ask for forgiveness after doing the things she did. Kara had a big heart – the biggest she ever saw – and maybe, just maybe, she would find it in herself the possibility to forgive her. Something that Lena hadn’t been able to do a year ago when she shot Lex and found out the truth.

But, then again, it was her own fault for closing her eyes to the truth for so long. It was obvious – painfully obvious – and she told herself over and over again that she was crazy for even considering it to be real. Perhaps she had been angrier at herself than at Kara. Perhaps she was just angry in general. After a year, it was hard to remember.

She picked up the mug from Kara’s hand, making sure they wouldn’t touch, before she took two steps back so fast that it was like she had been burned. Kara noticed it, of course she did, and her expression hardened again when she also took a few steps back. The blonde hero leaned back against the counter while Lena fought the urge to run and hide. Instead, she felt the coldness of a wall behind her and let her back rest there as she slowly brought the cup to her lips.

The tea was made the exact way she liked it, she noticed when the hot liquid touched her tongue. With just a splash of milk, no sugar, strong. Lena took a long sip as she avoided looking at Kara again. Her mind chose that moment to remind her that her former best friend had just witnessed a very real mental breakdown she had in her bathroom, that she had seen her crying naked on the floor, that she had begged not to be alone.

If she had trouble facing Kara with all the regrets from before, now she could barely stay in the same room as her.

“Do you want something to eat?”

Lena almost pointed out that she had barely eaten for almost a year. She used to have Kara dropping by at lunch or dinner with a bag of food to remind her to take a break and eat, but there was no one there to do it once Kara was gone.

Not gone, Lena reminded herself. Sent away.

Instead, she shook her head and took another sip of her tea. It was vanilla, which was a weird choice for that hour of the day. She usually likes drinking vanilla tea after lunch, black tea in the morning, and chamomille at night. Those were things Kara didn’t know, she thought. They hadn’t shared enough breakfasts for her to know it, and she was always gone when Lena indulged herself with a tea after lunch.

“Do you want to tell me what happened?”

Again, she shook her head.

“I supported you! I sabotaged nothing! Touched nothing! I sacrificed my own goals for you!”

Lena closed her eyes and took a deep breath of the steam leaving the mug to let the smell wash over her. Lex had bad breath. Always had, if she was going to be honest. She remembers noticing it even when she was a kid and he was reading her books in bed, waiting for her to sleep when in reality she was too entranced in the story to actually do it. After she grew up, she started thinking if his bad breath was caused by his putrid soul. A manifestation of his rotten interior, as funny as it sounded. Either way, she could still feel his breath against her face and it made her stomach churn again.

“I should go.”

She hadn’t realized she had opened her eyes until she was blessed by the sight of a slightly annoyed Kara. The hero was unhappy, probably because of her lack of response, and she had pushed herself from the counter as though she was actually going to start walking away.

Away from Lena. Again.

Away.

“No,” she found herself saying before she could think about it.

No, don’t go.

No, don’t leave.

No, don’t walk away.

No, don’t leave me alone.

She could say any of the above and they would all be the truth. She didn’t. She couldn’t. She still had her pride, although faltered. Instead, Lena looked down to the dark floor of her kitchen and tried not to purse her lips in the same way Lillian hated.

"You can yell at me all you want later," she declared. “I just... I can’t be alone. It could... It could happen again.”

It wasn’t unusual, Lena thought to herself. Her panic attacks always came in pairs, which was a bit ironic considering Lena herself barely had any friends. And, even when she managed to avoid the second one, the feelings eating her inside still wouldn’t leave for days on end. And it wasn’t like she couldn’t be alone. She could, she had been alone for most of her panic attacks since she first started having them, but she didn’t want to. Not when Kara was there again. Not when she was sorry and Kara was there.

"I'm not going to yell at you.” That wasn’t what Lena was waiting to hear. She was expecting some lame excuse or no answer at all as Kara walked away. She wasn’t ready for what she heard.

"Please,” she scoffed and rolled her eyes because, of course, Kara would yell. Lex had yelled, her father had yelled, Lillian had yelled in her own quiet way. And it wasn’t like Kara didn’t deserve to let her frustrations with Lena out. “You can scream, say I'm worthless, call me names, say you hate me. Yell whatever you want later,” Lena shrugged and sighed. “Right now I just..."

Need you to stay and keep my mind busy.

She didn’t have the chance to say it, though. Kara interrupted her before she could, her voice firm and only slightly raised. "I don't hate you.” Their eyes locked from across the room. Kara was frowning, her hands had gripped the counter behind her, and her face was hard. When she spoke next, her words were calmer, although they held the same intention. “I might not agree with everything you did but I don't hate you.” Another pause, this time her voice came out broken and uncertain. “Do you hate me?"

Maybe. Lena wasn’t sure she ever hated Kara, albeit it was easy to think she did.

Kara had always brought most of her feelings from within her. The good was easy to see. Her loyalty to her only friend in a new city, her happiness, her love. Those were easy to feel and, even more, good to feel. After she accepted that Kara was the person that would make her feel more than anyone else in her life, Lena even bathed herself in those new things. But, it turned out, Kara also made her feel the max out of the bad as well. The rejection, the betrayal, the hurt.

And those were hard to feel. Those feelings she didn’t want to feel.

She did, though.

And perhaps it made her hate Kara for a second.

"Hate is the only thing I was taught was okay to feel," Lena admitted lowly, her breath blowing away the fog coming from the mug at the same time her eyes moved to the big glass door across the room. Outside, the night was heavy, the clouds were probably hiding the stars and the moon was only showing its right side. Inside, the tension was just as heavy, the hurt was hiding Lena’s true feelings and the tea was now lukewarm.

It felt like a lifetime ago when Kara first waltzed in her life, bringing the sun and all its shine with her. Certainly felt more than a year.

Inside, there was Kara, standing in front of her after a year of doing everything she could to keep her distance. Inside her apartment, there was Kara, strong and determined. Inside her heart, Kara was being pushed away by a monster called hurt, although she refused to leave. Not for the first time, Lena wondered if she would ever heal. Maybe she was too broken already. She felt hollow. She had felt like that for a long time now.

“Lena, do you hate me?”

The question was made with so much hesitation that Lena felt her heart sink, skip a beat, and start running at the same time. She was sorry, God, she was so damn sorry. But she was so hurt too. It was a lot to feel for someone that hadn’t felt much all her life. Or maybe she had felt too much all her life.

It was hard to say.

“No.” The admission came easier than it should have, Lena thought to herself. She did hate Kara, for only a second and only because hate was something she knew how to feel since she was a child. But it was only for a second. Enough to make her lose her breath and make some terrible decisions. Enough to make her scream and lock Kara away, and then lose herself. Enough to make her hate herself. “God. I tried, I tried so hard to hate you, what you did, your lies, your actions, your betrayal. But I can't. I can’t hate you.”

For whatever reason, she looked back to the other woman. Kara’s eyes were still hard, her brows were still furrowed, her lips were still pushed together in a thin line, but there was a small glint in her eyes that looked suspiciously like tears. She didn’t look angry exactly, but she didn’t look happy either. Lena suddenly remembered the face that had looked at her inside her bathroom – concerned and desperate to help – and she almost wished it back. She remembered the cape draped on her shoulders and the soft hand grasping at hers. She remembered lies next and it all came crashing down.

“Do you want to?” Kara asked eventually.

She didn’t look like she actually wanted the answer for that and Lena didn’t truly want to give her one. She did, however. Because her chest was still too tight and her thoughts were jumbled and her heart was aching for the past year and her sun hadn’t shone ever since.

“Yes.” Kara looked surprised, only for a second, before she started looking angry and Lena could almost hear her voice raising to yell at her next – and she deserved it, didn’t she? She decided to talk faster to avoid it regardless of that. “It would be easier than loving you.” The hero now looked shocked and Lena huffed a humorless laugh at that. “I’m sure it would hurt less.”

That was a lie. She couldn’t be sure it would hurt less. She hoped it would hurt less because, right now, it hurts like a bitch and it was hard to think it could be worse than that. The universe wouldn’t be so cruel. Or maybe it would. It tended to have a great laugh with her.

“Lena...”

Lena shrugged, took another sip of her lukewarm tea and sighed. When she looked up again, Kara had moved. She had taken a couple of steps closer before she stopped, took three steps back, then moved forward again. She came to a halt in the middle of Lena’s ridiculously big kitchen, with her mouth opening and closing like she was trying to say something but had no idea what to say, and Lena almost laughed.

Almost.

She didn’t, though. Because she felt more like crying than laughing for almost a year now.

“I will have your cape washed and return it tomorrow,” she said, took a deep breath, and reached out to put her mug down and crossed her arms. “I hope you don’t mind if I use...” coconut soap. That was what she was going to say and it would be more out of depracative humor than actual concern for Kara’s soap preferences, but the words died at the back of her throat when she noticed that the blonde was moving again.

Closer.

Really close.

Somehow, closer than they had been inside her bathroom because, in there, Kara had touched her hand and nothing else. In the kitchen, her former best friend suddenly raised her hand to touch Lena’s jaw.

“What are you doing?” she asked and she sounded completely out of breath as though she was in the middle of a new panic attack. Which wouldn’t be surprising. There wasn’t a mirror around, but Lena could picture the surprise on her face and the panic behind her eyes as she waited for Kara’s response.

“I just...” Blue eyes flicked from her eyes to her lips, then back to her eyes, and Kara looked so lost that Lena almost asked her if she needed to sit down and take a breath. “I just need to try something.”

Kara’s lips were softer than they looked, which came as a shock. Lena gasped the first time she felt them touching hers and her eyes widened as her arms fell to her side, not sure what was even going on. Kara tasted like a matcha green latte from Starbucks – and Lena hated matcha with all her being – and onion ring chips that she remembered were one of Kara’s favorite snacks. She smelled a bit like sweat and deodorant, and she kind of kissed Lena’s teeth at first before their lips touched.

Lena always imagined their first kiss – and, yes, she had thought about it like an obsessed person since she first met the blonde – would be the sweetest thing ever, with fireworks exploding in the background, racing hearts and shy giggles. Things she saw in the romantic comedies she watched on numerous movie nights because she knew Kara liked them. Things she had never experienced herself, but thought they would happen when she kissed the woman she had fallen in love with so deeply.

That wasn’t the case.

There were no fireworks and it wasn’t sweet either. Her heart was racing, though. One thing checked. The kiss was heavy with hurt and a year of distance. The giggles didn’t come. It was hard, and messy, and out of sync, and Lena felt almost angry at Kara for taking that fantasy away from her. For crushing another thing in her life.

Instead, she tried to take it back by biting the blonde’s bottom lip hard enough to make her gasp, by raising one hand to grab the back of Kara’s neck to pull her close at the same time she pulled her hair harder than was necessary, by raising her other hand to grasp at the front of her hoodie to both tug her closer and push her away. Instead, she swallowed Kara’s gasp and shoved her tongue inside her mouth. Instead, she tried to hate Kara at the same time she loved her.

Instead, she only hated herself.

Kara pushed her back against the wall she was leaning against, kissing her back as hard as she was, but Lena didn’t allow her to take any control away from her. She felt a strong hand holding her hip as the other one cupped her face. Their push and pull lasted about a minute before they both realized there was no point in fighting it. No point in pushing.

Like wildfire in a dry forest, there was no way to stop it.

Kara’s hand was suddenly under her sweater – Kara’s borrowed sweater – touching her still damp skin and raising goosebumps everywhere she touched. Then her own hands were pulling Kara’s hoodie away, then her legs were wrapping around a slim waist, strong arms were picking her up, soft lips were kissing her neck and white teeth were biting her skin, and Lena felt the fire explode.

Inside, outside, everywhere.

She felt underwater again. She couldn’t hear anything other than the thunder her heart was creating inside her chest, and she wasn’t sure she was feeling anything other than the wandering hand beneath her clothes. Was there even anything else to feel? To hear?

“Lena?”

Lena didn’t open her eyes, even when her brain caught up with the distance Kara added between them. She had been barely able to feel Kara’s lips before, but she missed them once they were gone. She missed the warmth, the softness, even the taste. And she missed Kara’s hand once her former best friend removed it from the cold skin of her ribs.

“Lena? Your heartrate is spiking again.”

Kara sounded scared, although Lena had no idea why. She had witnessed a panic attack just a few minutes prior. Surely, she should know Lena wouldn’t die by now.

“Lena?”

She should do something about it. Take her mind away off it before it became a real, full-on panic attack that would consume her again.

“Onion ring chips.”

“Uh?”

Lena almost smiled at the confusion she could hear in Kara’s voice. She tilted her head down to hide the grin that insisted to appear, grabbed the blonde’s hoodie even harder and made sure that Kara knew she wasn’t supposed to pull away any further by tightening her hold at the nape of her neck. No point in pushing.

“You taste like onion ring chips.”

“Oh,” it was just a release of her breath, either in relief or more confusion, but Lena could picture Kara’s face perfectly even with her eyes closed – a crinkle between her brows, big blue eyes, pink lips pushed together. “Yeah, I, uh, I was eating before I came.” Blinking her eyes open, Lena sighed, nodded distractedly and tried to focus on everything she could see. Blue eyes, the crinkle, the tiny scar, pink lips, a black hoodie that was way softer than it looked, a faint blush. “Your heart is quite fascinating,” Kara mumbled under her breath when she raised one hand to fiddle with her glasses.

Lena immediately missed her touch. She wouldn’t, however, voice that. She could have, a year ago, but not anymore. Now, she bit the inside of her cheek and pretended she didn’t care when Kara let her hand drop instead of putting it on her waist again.

“Did you figure it out?” she whispered.

“What?”

“You said you needed to try something,” Lena reminded her with just a hint of bitterness. “Did you figure it out?”

Kara took a step back as though she had burned her. Half of her wanted to follow, to pursue, to touch and be touched. The other half, the one that still held some sanity, crossed her arms and hardened her expression. For the first time that night, the hero looked like she would rather be anywhere else.

“I-” Kara stopped, gulped, shook her head, looked down, placed both hands on her waist, looked up, down again, and then shrugged like she had just been defeated. Like she had just walked away from the hardest battle of her life without a victory. “Yes,” she ended up saying after Lena thought she would just fly away without looking back. “Yes, I did.”

At that, Lena cracked a smile. It was filled with bitterness and every bad feeling swirling inside her chest, and she wasn’t brave enough to look at Kara to see her reaction to the brokenness that was clear on her face. She was broken and she didn’t have the strength to hide it that night.

“Okay.”

Kara took another step back and the uncertainty, the hesitation she was feeling was clear as day in her blue eyes. Lena had forgotten. She had forgotten they were supposed to be enemies now, working on different sides and making accusations instead of sharing lunch while watching crap TV.

What an irony, Lena thought. What an irony that they had to kiss as enemies when they had been friends for much longer. When friends had meant much more.

The blonde took a step closer then, then took another two back, then closer again. She looked like she was trying to figure out something to say, what she should do, where to go from there. She had no idea where to start, but neither had Lena.

Kara was saved from saying anything when Lena yawned, bringing a hand to cover her mouth and letting her eyes fall close for a second. When she opened them again, the hero’s face had softened and she had a tiny smile that made Lena’s heart beat faster for a completely different reason.

“You should go to sleep.”

Lena almost said she wouldn’t be able to sleep – she never could so soon after a panic attack. However, she took one look at Kara’s almost gentle smile and decided to let her have that way out of the clearly uncomfortable conversation. Because it has been a year, and they were different people, and Lena didn’t even know who she was anymore, let alone anyone else around her.

“Okay. Yes, I will.”

So, Lena went on with her nightly routine while trying to ignore the elephant – or the superhero – in the room. She put the used mug inside the dishwasher, walked back to her room to grab her empty glass of water to fill it up and walked back to the kitchen. Kara hadn’t moved much, she had just leaned against the island counter and was staring at the marble with her brows furrowed and so intensely that, for a second, Lena thought she would burn the whole thing down by just staring at it. When Lena walked past her holding the full glass, she didn’t move and Lena didn’t say anything.

She wanted to.

Wanted to ask if she was going to stay there all night, staring at her counter and looking like she had no idea where she was. Wanted to ask if Kara still remembers where the extra blankets were. Wanted to ask her to leave at the same time she wanted to ask her to stay. And, in between her own confusion, Lena chose not to say a thing.

She put her glass down at the nightstand on top of the coaster, put her phone on the charger and walked to her bathroom so she could brush her teeth. While she added the toothpaste to her boring red toothbrush, Lena yawned again. All the emotions from her day were catching up on her. The deception with her project, with herself and humanity. Lex’s explosion. The panic attack. Kara randomly showing up. Kara’s lips touching hers. It felt like she had been awake for more than a day – more like a month – and all she wanted to do was crawl on her bed and rest. She knew sleep wouldn’t come easily, it never did these days, but she would try at the very least.

Lena fell on top of her bed like a dead weight. She didn’t bother changing clothes, closing the door or checking to see if Kara had left. The clothes made her feel comfortable, the bedroom could feel too small with the door closed and she didn’t want to know she was alone. So, she just took a deep breath, stared up at the ceiling and tried to think of ways she could force her body to sleep so she wouldn’t be able to think anymore.

Ironically, she fell asleep in less than a minute.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

Lena woke up with the sound of heavy rain. There wasn’t thunder or lightning, but the rain was falling heavily outside from what she could hear. She took a deep breath, groaning a bit when she stretched, and then turned around to reach her phone. Her room was dark, mostly because of the curtains stopping any outside light to get in, and the glow from her phone burned her eyes for the first few seconds. She blinked the discomfort away before trying to focus on what she had to do that day.

She was halfway into remembering everything that had happened the day before when she noticed her blanket wasn’t its usual black color. Lena frowned, deciding she could concentrate on something else for a minute, and her arms fell to her sides so her fingers could investigate the material. It wasn’t as fluffy or soft as her usual blanket with its thousand something threadcount that had made it ridiculously expensive. Lena reached for her phone again so she could light the area around her and almost choked on nothing when she realized what had been used to protect her from the chill air of the night.

It was red and way heavier than it looked, and it certainly didn’t belong to her house. Supergirl’s cape. Every memory came crashing down on top of her leaving her breathless and lost. She remembered leaving that cape on her bathroom floor, wet and cold, and it made no sense to her that it was used as her personal mantle for the night. The only way for the cape to be covering her now instead of wetting her floor would be for Kara to have walked in after she fell asleep and put it on top of her.

That thought, that image, made Lena feel sorry again. She was sorry for many things. She had made a mistake, she was sorry, and she needed to say that before it was too late. Before Lex could move on with his plan, before he could cause even more damage than he already had, before something worse happened. And she needed to say she could never, ever, choose to hate Kara over loving her.

She needed to say that.

Lena almost jumped from her bed as she rushed to get changed and ready to go. It was early, way too early, and it was raining outside, but she would cross town to reach Kara’s apartment and she would apologize, she would tell her she was sorry and she would ask what the hell was the whole ordeal with the kiss from last night.

She hadn’t dreamed about that, had she? Kara kissed her. Kara really kissed her. Their lips had touched in a very non-friendly way. That hadn’t been a dream, had it?

No, Lena decided while putting on her trench coat without thinking too much about what she was doing. It hadn’t been a dream. She had said she loved Kara – loves, still, if she was going with the whole ‘being honest’ thing – and Kara had kissed her. Which could mean nothing, but also could mean everything, and Lena wasn’t about to ignore it for any longer. She would have to apologize, so she could add her own question into it.

She just needed to get to Kara’s place and...

Lena stopped in her tracks, almost slipping on the floor with how sudden she came to a stop, and only avoided screaming thanks to the way she was raised by Lillian. Kara was idly sitting on a stool by the island counter in the middle of her kitchen, drinking something from Lena’s old MIT mug while she read the morning journal. Like it was something common. Like she hadn’t just scared Lena to death. Like she belonged there.

Kara didn’t look up – not that she needed, Lena reasoned, she probably knew Lena was awake since before she had noticed it herself. All the blonde did was take another sip from the mug, turn the page and pursed her lips when she read something she didn’t like. The silence that fell above them was different from the night before. It was less heavy, Lena felt just as breathless, but it only lasted about ten seconds before Kara finally spoke.

“Are you going somewhere?”

She hadn’t look up yet and Lena felt only slightly disappointed. She missed the blue eyes, the small scar and the crinkle. She missed it more than she missed a simpler life without murdering brothers returning from the dead. Instead of replying right away, Lena glanced to her own outfit, to her purple trench coat, the jeans and boots, to the cape she had folded on top of her left forearm, and then, for some reason, she blushed. She felt ridiculous, for some reason.

“I...” Lena cleared her throat, bit her lips for a quick moment and then sighed when she looked back up. Kara was just lowering the mug again, and Lena watched her throat move up and down as she swallowed. Honesty, she tried to remember. “I was going to... try to find you.”

Somehow, saying she was going to try to find Kara sounded better than saying she was going to leave her apartment at 6 am on a Saturday when the sky was falling outside to cross town to beg for forgiveness. It wasn’t a lie, at least. And, apparently, it made Kara lose some of her determination to not look at her. Lena noticed how blue eyes moved to the side just for a second before focusing on the journal again and she found herself blushing again.

“Well... You found me.”

Yes, she did. Sitting in Lena’s kitchen, reading her journal and drinking her... whatever that was. Still there. Still around. Still... existing in Lena’s life as though they hadn’t avoided each other for almost a year. Well, Lena did most of the avoiding, she was going to admit that. She was also going to admit she had missed waking up and feeling hopeful.

And hope was all she could feel when her mouth started to move on its own accord, without her approval and faster than her brain could keep up. Hope that Kara would understand, that she would be able to find it in herself to forgive her when Lena had taken almost a year to be able to show her the same treatment.

“I have made a terrible mistake.” She watched through misty eyes because of the tears as Kara slowly let go of the mug so she could close her hand into a tight fist, and, even though her heart clenched and her mind started to race, Lena couldn’t stop talking. “I was hurt. I was so hurt. And... I thought I could get rid of the hurt.”

Kara put the paper down next and she took a deep breath before finally turning her head to look at her. Lena almost stopped there, she almost gave up, turned around, walked back to her room and allowed darkness to consume her. She didn’t, though. Not when Kara was looking at her like... like she didn’t hate her. Not when Kara was still there. So, instead, Lena tried to remember how warm the sun Kara brought to her life felt, let her fingers fiddle with the cape she was holding tightly and let every word slip from her lips without trying to contain them anymore.

“I thought that I knew better, that I could make the world a better place. But I was wrong,” Lena swallowed a sob back and tried to hold back her tears, although it was already a lost battle. “That hurt took me to a dark, dark path, where I was blind to what I was really doing, to what I had become. You were right. This whole time I became a villain, and then...” A lot of things had almost happened. And then she lost everything. And then she was proved wrong. And then Lex showed his true colors again. And then, and then, and then. And then nothing. “I’m not looking for forgiveness. I’m... I know what I said and I know what I did, but I am...” Sorry, so terribly sorry. “I am really hoping that you will believe me right now. Okay?”

“Lena.” The single word, her name, wasn’t said softly or gently, but it wasn’t a curse either.

Even so, Lena didn’t look up from where she was staring at the red cape and she didn’t try to stop talking either. “Lex is working with Leviathan, and they are going to...”

“Lena.”

“...use Obsidian to do something terrible...”

“Lena.”

“...using the system I made with my project. I didn’t know I was helping them, but I did. And now...”

“Lena.”

“...Now I want to help stop them, so...”

“For Rao’s sake.”

“...please, okay? I want to help stop Lex and Leviathan.”

“Are you done?”

It was the impatience she could hear in Kara’s voice that made her look up. She had expected Kara to be mad at her, but she wasn’t expecting the blonde to sound so... done. When she looked up, though, all tears rolling down her cheeks and sobs being barely contained, she saw that Kara had a tiny smirk on her lips. The blonde had turned her body to better look at her and she had now an arm draped at the back of the stool beside her while she rested her chin on her other hand.

For a second, a terrifying second, Lena thought it was over. Then, Kara sighed, pulled the stool back and gave it a soft pat. “Sit down, will you?”

Lena didn’t know if she should ask what was going on, scream or cry even more. Instead of doing any of those things, she closed her eyes, took a deep breath and tried to order her heart to stop beating so goddamn loud. When she opened her eyes again, Kara was filling a second mug with hot water and she could no longer hold a thousand myriad of emotions swirling inside.

She allowed herself to cry, then. Allowed a year of bottled-up emotions to escape and take over. Allowed the pain to be known. Allowed it all to be felt.

She was not expecting to feel Kara’s arms warmly embracing her into a tight hug. It didn’t stop her from resting her cheek on Kara’s shoulder or hugging her back just as hard. It also didn’t stop the tears, but that was okay. She knew she could trust Kara to have her back while she wasn’t strong enough to do it herself.

“We will figure it out,” Kara whispered on top of her head where she was resting her chin and Lena didn’t doubt for a second that she meant it.

“Do you hate me?” she asked lowly, not bothering to raise her voice.

“No,” Kara’s reply came fast and certain. “I don’t think that hating you would be easier than loving you either.”

And when Kara kissed the top of her head, Lena finally felt it. The fireworks she heard about in the romantic cliches Kara made her watch. She felt the fireworks and she felt the heat of the sun. She felt the tingles and the butterflies. She felt safe, maybe for the first time in her life.

“We will figure it out,” Kara whispered again and, this time, Lena knew she was talking more than Lex, and Leviathan and Obsidian, and every other mistake in between.

“We will figure it all out.”

#supercorp #supergirl #kara x lena #lena x kara #kara danvers #lena luthor #melissa benoist #katie mcgrath #fic #ao3 #fanfic #one-shot #oneshot #romance #love #panic attack

85 notes · View notes