#i just need to get my foot in the door and stop being a weenie

[laur-rants]

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[castthy-nightedcolour]

One-Shot: One Good Day (written as part of my series ‘don’t worry about a thing’ on AO3, link can be found at the bottom of the notes as it won’t let me embed it)

Fandom: Good Omens

Characters: GN Reader, Aziraphale

Warnings and Tags: anxiety, depression, social Anxiety, implied S/H, swearing, aziraphale loves your soul, mysterious soft guardian angel breaks into your home, soft comfort

Summary: life hasn’t been going great for you. every single thing which could have gone wrong in the last week has gone wrong and you’re reaching breaking point. miraculously, something appears in your room to guide you to safety.

Word Count: 2459

Link to original: https://archiveofourown.org/works/31055930/chapters/76720253

You stumbled through your front door, the handle of your shopping bag snapping in half as your foot made it over the threshold. You watched blankly as the bottle of lemonade rolled down the hallway and the other groceries poured themselves all over the floor, rain water dripping from your hood down your face. As you slammed the door shut behind you, the smell of disinfectant rose up from the place where the groceries were sitting and you quickly realised that there’d been a leak.

Deep breath in.

The breath makes it halfway into your diaphragm before it stumbles into a sob.

Burning in your throat as you pull down your hood and hear the water shake off onto the floor.

One wrong thing in your life always managed to form into two wrong things, then before you knew it you were drowning in a cascade of completely wrong things. Everything in the past week had gradually been getting more difficult and you now felt that if you couldn’t even go to the corner shop without everything going horribly wrong, there wasn’t much point in leaving the house at all.

Work was hell; customers were rude, you were in constant pain from walking the shop floor and folding and re-folding items that people threw onto piles, and your manager seemed to hate you more with each passing day. Because you were always working, you felt incredibly isolated from any of your friends, and your unsociable free hours prevented you from messaging anyone in complete fear that you were taking up their time.

Everything just felt dull. A pressure behind the eyes, numb hands, dead legs, a complete inability to produce even one tear. You hadn’t felt this bad in a long time and you could feel yourself spiralling quickly towards catastrophe.

You stepped over the pile of groceries on the floor and edged towards your bedroom, completely ready to fall down backwards onto your bed and think yourself into a pain of solace. Water was still falling from your coat down onto your floor, leaving a trail behind you before slowly pooling together on the lino.

As you pushed your bedroom door open, you ran your right hand along your left arm, collecting freezing cold water on the tips of your fingers and in the palm of your hand. You took this hand to your face in an attempt to feel something on a face which felt like brick.

Not cold enough. Try harder.

A swift slap to your cheek had you letting out a small gasp.

Still not good enough.

You lunged towards the bed with the full intention of collapsing onto it and never getting up again. As you propelled yourself forwards, you suddenly felt a hand on your shoulder, one with a gentle but commanding touch. Although you stopped dead in your tracks, you weren’t at all scared or concerned about this other presence in the room. There was absolutely no hint of threat at all. Slowly, you turned your head to look at the hand, glancing up the arm which was clad in a pale beige overcoat. A warm voice whispered from behind you,

‘Now, don’t tell me you were going to get into that lovely warm bed in this coat?’

There was no other way to describe the voice but hug-like, embracing the dull ache in you and injecting just a hint of warmth. You didn’t reply, but slowly turned fully to get a glance at whoever the man smelling vaguely of cinnamon was.

He is almost luminous.

One hand resting lightly on your shoulder with the other holding the rogue bottle of lemonade with support from his underarm.

You took one glance at the fluffy white blonde curls on his head and immediately branded him as something ethereal, the rosy pink cheeks and beaming smile were just more evidence for this. You shivered under his light grasp, partially because you were freezing and partially because you were very overwhelmed by the sight in front of you. If this was as you thought, a visit from an angel, then surely your life would never be the same.

Or maybe you’d died?

As if reading your mind, the glowing being jumped in to reassure you.

‘I know you may be wondering what’s happening here but fear not, I’m here with good intentions. In fact, they’re the only intentions I can possibly have.’

You zoned out slightly listening to his honey soaked voice, your eyes practically glazing over at the idea of whoever this radiant being was being present in your flat which had become a complete black hole over the past week. You struggled to form any kind of sentence to articulate this, but eventually came out with one word.

‘Y/N.’ You breathed, immediately feeling like an idiot for saying it. The angel didn’t hold the same opinion on this matter, though.

‘Well, that is a simply beautiful name. It’s an honour to be in your presence, Y/N.’ He spoke. You couldn’t quite fathom why he was being so nice to you and an ominous, inky black cloud inside you was attempting to convince you that this was all some joke.

Noticing fear creeping into your eyes, the angel tightened the grip on your shoulder in reassurance.

‘It’s okay, I promise. I’m Aziraphale , I’m here to look after you for as long as you need.’ The voice, like nectar, coated your very being in what felt like love.

The angel placed the lemonade on the floor and then very slowly pulled your coat off your shoulders, constantly looking at your face for any hint of discomfort. All you could do was stand there like a lemon, a look of disbelief plastered on your face as Aziraphale lifted the coat and threw it behind him, with it seemingly now miraculously dry. As you leaned to try and peek behind him, he looked concerningly at your shivering body and took a step towards you, running one of his hands down each of your arms.

You could suddenly feel heat radiating off him as you realised that all of your clothes were sopping wet, it wasn’t just your coat. The storm outside had hit just as you’d left to go the shop, which was just the icing on the cake of the perfectly played out horrible circumstances of the week.

As the hands were run down your arms, you noticed everything become dry and fluffy, like you were suddenly dressed in fleece, but they were definitely still your clothes.

Some kind of miracle?

The reassuring voice of Aziraphale returned to the room, echoing off every wall.

‘There, now I think that’s a lot better. Won’t you sit down, Y/N?’ He gestured towards your bed and immediately, you fell backwards onto it, following his instructions as though they were law. Sitting up, you peered up at him as he moved to sit down next to you, a comforting smile still on his face. The feeling of safety was so overwhelming for you, especially compared to the chaos swimming around your body only five minutes prior. Instinctually, you kicked off your shoes, curling your legs up to the bed and sitting cross legged, turning to face the angel. You weren’t sure how to make conversation with the ethereal, it wasn’t exactly a day to day occurrence, but you ran with the situation.

‘So… well… wow I guess. This is… well it’s…. oh my god sorry, oh GOD I shouldn’t be saying God should I, not around you. I couldn’t have done this more wrong, could I?’ As the words trickled out your mouth, the familiar sense of embarrassment began to worm its way back into your soul, overriding whatever comfort Aziraphale had placed there previously. You were slightly shocked to glance at his face and notice the smile still plastered on it.

‘Please, lovely Y/N, there’s no need to apologise. Say whatever you need to say, I’m here to listen. I’m all yours.’ He beamed.

Something still isn’t adding up. There isn’t a chance that someone would be this nice to you out of choice, this must be a joke.

With your thoughts beginning to spiral again, your breathing was working its way into something between a pant and one long, continuous breath. Aziraphale noticed this sudden change, and placed one hand on your back and began to very gently rub.

‘Shhhhh, it’s okay now. What’s going on here? What’s happened?’ His voice rang like a bell in your head. Your breathing came to a complete halt.

No one’s every asked you that before, have they?

The angel realised that your ribs were no longer rising and falling. All he had to do was say the words ‘please breathe’ before you took one big sigh. Glancing down at the floor, you weren’t really sure how to even answer him. Did you mention your manager? Or was he more bothered about the fact that you’d barely eaten for three days, and the only shopping that you had managed to get yourself was now doused in disinfectant? Maybe he’d be able to help with your missed messages and emails.

Then again, with 43 notifications looming over you, maybe not.

As you lifted your gaze, all of your debilitating troubles culminated into two words.

‘I’m fine!’ A false chipper tone rang through your response as the angel furrowed his brow.

‘Well, now, and please don’t think me rude here Y/N, but I think that may be just a teeny-weeny lie.’

You both sat staring at each other for a few seconds as you let that sit with you. Interestingly, you swore that you could see sunlight on his face despite the fact that it was absolutely pissing it down outside. Eventually, you worked up the courage to respond.

‘Well, yeah. A little bit maybe but on the whole, I’m okay! It’s just my manager is really onto me at the moment which means that I can’t really concentrate so I’m having to stay long hours at work…’

As you spoke, the chain of events spilled out your mouth in a fountain of truth. You got to the point where you couldn’t stop talking, laying out an entire map of problems for Aziraphale to navigate his way across. By the time you were talking about the build-up of notifications on your phone, tears were running down your cheeks, with Aziraphale swiftly reaching across to wipe them away. He watched on as you spoke, an almost pained look in his eyes. He couldn’t bear to see a human soul so torn up, especially because of other humans.

With words falling out of you so easily, both you and the angel were a little taken aback when you stopped yourself mid-sentence.

‘I’ve been coming home and I’ve just been sitting here and thinking, and thinking before eventually-‘.

Aziraphale looked as though he expected you to carry on for about a second, until he grasped exactly what you were talking about. He couldn’t help but getting choked up at the idea of such a beautiful soul being driven to destroying the vessel which was carrying it, and this was all he needed to hear. With both force and care, he threw his arms around your shoulders, allowing your head to rest in the crook of his neck.

‘I’m going to sort this all out for you, Y/N. I can’t bear to think of you being so unhappy when you deserve the world, and everything beyond it.’

Before you could even protest with any idea that he may have been exaggerating, you felt a whimper leave your body which felt like it had been sitting there for centuries. Being held, being listened to, being cared for was something so alien to you, so overwhelming.

As you sat still in the angel’s grasp, you could physically feel worries lifting off your shoulders. You wondered for a moment how this was even possible, before remembering that you were spilling your problems out to an angel.

—

Turns out, Aziraphale really did sort it all out for you. A cheeky little rat infestation in the local shopping centre meant that the shop where you worked was forced to close for a few days, plus your manager had been taken out by a freak case of a rare tropical virus so they weren’t going to be able to leave their house for a couple of weeks.

Your fridge was fully stocked, every surface in your house was shining and a glass of lemonade complete with ice and a little slice of lemon was sitting on the side waiting for you when you returned from a bath which had driven every ache from your body. The angel was leaning against the fridge, reading a copy of Frankenstein which you’d forgotten that you even owned. You stood in the doorway of your kitchen in a fluffy robe, feeling a smile sit on your face for the first time in a while. The angel suddenly noticed your presence and glanced up, beaming at you.

‘Enjoying that?’ You asked, pointing your head towards the book. He held it up.

‘Takes a while to get going, doesn’t it?’ He responded, a quizzical look on his face. You giggled at this, slowly walking over to take the glass of lemonade. The angel watched on as you took a sip from it, the bubbles rising to your nose and making you sneeze. As you put the glass down, you fully turned to him.

‘Thank you, Aziraphale. For everything you’ve done for me.’

‘Oh, we’re not done yet my dear. I’m here for you until the end. Unfortunately one good day won’t be enough,’ he walked closer to you and grabbed both of your hands.

‘But it’s a brilliant place to start.’ He finished. You beamed up at him, but still with some concern sitting on your face.

‘What about when my manager gets better? I’m really not sure I can ever face them again, I-‘ Before you could begin catastrophising, the angel gently placed one finger on your lips. He then squeezed the hand entwined with his.

‘As I said, I’m here for you until the end. There’s many miracles for you, dear Y/N. Let’s just get through today, okay? We can battle tomorrow when it arrives. For now, I think that it’s time my food expertise should come out and that you should take a seat while I prepare the best meal of your life. Now, let’s see…’ He moved away from you, beginning to rummage in each cupboard and your fridge for ingredients. Naturally, you seemed to drift towards your sofa, as if being led.

Must be a miracle. For an angel, he sure can tempt you.

[maladaptive-ninja-returns]

Kira Vol 2 (3)

The Mistress

CHAPTER 3: Is This Jealousy

Loki x fem!Reader (Kira)

Series: A new chapter begins in Kira’s life. Old secrets, new confessions, surprising allies and unexpected meetings. All of them have one name in common. Loki.

Chapter content: soft feels

Warnings: a teeny weenie bit of jealousy

Word count: my cousin is awesome. She is such a pure soul and I am so protective of her that I will beat the hell out of anyone who tries to hurt my little- but tall- baby.

MASTERLIST & Taglist in bio, my love

The bubble of slumber has barely found Loki when a ripple of scream shreds every ounce of peace this house knows. The silence of the autumn suddenly sounds like a Hallow's Eve blood bath when Loki's body dashes towards the source of the voice. He does not even think for a second, his body already charging itself towards the stone-y path, his son outrunning him on his fours to come to a skidding halt at the foot of her bed. "Kira," he calls out with a contrasting tone compared to the rigorous beating of his heart.

But she does not hear. Her eyes are wide open, looking at the window in her room while her cries wear her lungs out. All she screeches are the words 'no' and 'stop' repeatedly while looking at the empty space. What disturbs Loki, even more, is that she is numb to the blood oozing out from where the needles were once sticking into her are ripping her skin apart. The duvet that covers her is being used as a shield against whatever she is afraid of while the blood smears the fabric with a new hue wherever it comes in touch with it. There is fear in his eyes for what he plans to do, but the fear of watching her writhing in pain like this far outranks it. And so he takes the first lunge by sitting down next to her and slowly taking her trembling hand into his. She yelps and jolts away from his cold touch. "It's me. Kira, look," he calls out to her while switching on the bed lamp close to him, "It's Loki." Her shivering figure cowering away from him takes its time to hear his voice while he patiently waits by the edge. He knows he has to let her come to him. Or he might lose her again. And it would already be one too many times. "Loki?" She has no idea what her frail voice does to that man's being. He can feel an electric current drive from his head to toe and all he can do is sit there nodding his head. "Yes, I'm here." That man has barely finished his sentence to breathe when he feels heated arms being thrown around his torso while her head wants to hide in his chest. "There's someone out there. There's someone out there, Loki." Silence. What is he supposed to feel right now? The otherwordly elation on the touch of her arms, whose heat seeps through the soft cotton and is absorbed by his thirst-ridden skin? Or should he feel sad for the suffering that does not seem to leave her even when she heals? In the swift moment, his rational brain scolds itself for having not having any intelligible actions ready like it usually does; for being useful during the one time it should be working at one hundred per cent capacity. "Please," a whimper comes from his chest, "make it stop." Like a flip of a switch in a cornered animal, Loki's pupils go wide while his arms come around her back with a life of their own. The cold palms hold the sweaty shirt on either side, making a barrier around her. "Come here," he whispers, pulling her closer to him, letting her rest her head in the dip of his shoulder while his body seeks all the unnecessary heat from her untethered figure. "Nothing can hurt you, I promise. Okay? No one can hurt you. I'm here." The wails dilute to sobs under the rhythmic soft pats of Loki's palm on her head in between soothing strokes through her hair. "I'm here." The sobs reduce to loud inhales and exhales, trying to find the resting point of her lungs. The patting continues into the dead of the night when unexpected rain showers wash away whatever bad lurks in the beautiful dark night outside, making her eyelids heavy and her body heavier on Loki's chest. Finding the strength inside him, Loki takes her head in his palm and carefully drags her down the bed to let her head rest on the pillow. The tightened nerves inside him relax when they hear her light snores, convincing him she is finally asleep. It is not easy to drag himself away from that angelic face resting so tranquilly but he puts his foot down on the floor- ready to let her rest- only to find a strong tug on his shirt by her fisted hand, pulling that loosely woven pure threadwork closer towards herself with wrinkles in between her brows. "Kira."  That man is now suddenly a little boy standing outside the study of his father, from where a mellow golden light flows out into a river at the end of which he stands with a unicorn in his tiny hands, his green eyes twinkling with the dance of both shadows and light as he tries to look inside through whatever space the barely open door allows him. Little Loki witnesses his father carry his brother in his arms, telling him stories of kings and princes that conquered lands and brought peace by defeating all evil; narrating his love for the golden boy and boasting to the air in that room how he will be the next man to take care of the empire that his father built for him. Outside, the raven-haired boy stands patiently before turning away to walk through the endless corridors to his room where the nanny is already waiting for him anxiously. "Loki! Where were you? Now is not the time to sneak out." The little one does not bother explaining for he goes straight to bed under his covers, his eyes towards the ceiling to look at the stars put up on there by the servants for his musings. "Mother says stars walk alone," Loki stated out of nowhere for the nanny to hear as she tucks him into the bed, "because they burn bright for everyone. She also says I am a star. A really bright one." "Of course you are," the woman smiles at him while wondering where this talk was coming from. "I don't think she knows that I know stars can burn whatever comes near to them. It is not even practical to be a star without dying a cold death." Margeret has to gasp. "Relax Margeret. It is the work of gases. You would not understand." And saying that, he turns to face the other way. "I don't want to be a star," he mumbles, wishing upon those bogus stars a wish that crumbles with every passing breath in his life till there remains no evidence of these ashes that were ultimately tagged as hollow hopes. Hopes that seem to be reborn without so much as a warning when Loki finds himself lying down next to her and she- without even a conscious effort- pulls herself upon his arm, burying her head in his chest, facing away from the world. A jolt of shiver runs through her body, immediately bringing Loki's arm over her shoulder, overworking his already imbalanced heart. But the calm finds him in her presence just as it finds her in his arms. The night outside, fresh out from nature's bath feels the need to notice its presence not acknowledged by the two souls that used to let their demons roam in her robe. Now, those very souls rest them in each other's arms, devoid of the exhaustion that once haunted them in their loneliness.

"Okay, I'm already putting this out there so no judgments are made later on...I just learned how to drive. You don't get to say how bad I am. If you are scared to sit next to me hold on to your seat. If the car stops in the middle of the road do not rush me, I know I am bad with shifting gears and the accelerator right now. Oh, and at no time will you offer to drive instead. Okay?" Loki's eyes take in your body on alert in the driver's seat of your dad's borrowed Suzuki. You adjust the rearview mirror and look at the controls, mumbling some things to yourself before double-checking the seat belt and starting the engine. He cannot help but stare at your elation with heart eyes when the car starts without any trouble. What churns up the lights inside him is that crazy giggling smile stuck on your face.  "I'm driving a car," you squeak at a really low volume while your neck disappears and your shoulders go up in tender excitement. By the Norns, who made her this cute, he truly has to wonder without realising a goofy smile has invited itself on his lips and has been sitting there even for Heimdall to see outside the gate when you exit. "That good a breakfast, huh?" He teases his boss, who is quick to hide any evidence of joy on his face. Sadly the master strategist and deceiver can't hide it from his eyes. "Did you get all the work done," Loki does not even move his brow when talking to the Watcher. "I had a nice breakfast too, thanks for asking," he is quick to acknowledge that cold stare, "and yes it's done. So, where are you guys headed?" You scoff, raising your hands from the steering wheel. "At least act surprised to see me driving even if you know it already." Heimdall chuckles. "I'm taking Loki to show around my town. Wanna c-" "Oh good, Lord!" Loki blurts out of nowhere, making you jump where you sit, "turn the car, Kira! There's a cat about to walk under it!" "What?" "Turn it out of the driveway!" "But-" "Let's go! Before it tries to climb the wheel!" You are hastily shifting the gear to drive. "They do that?" "Now! Now!"

This is his first time. And he still cannot believe it is happening. Well, shame on me for thinking only Odin had the finest colonial lands. Trees line up both sides of the roads that are cleaner than the supposedly progressive concrete jungle that you two left behind for a while. The patience all the drivers have on the road with their cars in a smooth drive is really impressing the man, besides putting him at ease considering his heart has taken the wheel. There are people out and about on the sidewalks. And there are people exploiting the cycling tracks to get their blood pumping in this cold weather. Kindergarten kids, school kids, college kids- there are clusters of them coming and going; some sad to leave their parents, while others are running and skipping towards theirs. This city is coloured in every hue imaginable even in the coldest of days. And unlike the iron world, he sits atop, this one seems like it takes out time to look around. The car is parked in a spot right outside a local city museum and unlike you, someone notices the line of expensive rides next to yours while their owners are huddled together over one with beer cans and cigarettes. Every one of the five men standing on the other corner wear brands that equal your one month's salary. "Let's start with this place," you bring Loki out of the calculating trance he is in since the second he laid eyes on the men that has been staring this way, "so we can get out and enjoy something much better if you get bored of this place." Loki smiles at you and makes it a point to walk towards your side to place his hand on your back, mellifluously ask, "shall we?" and walk away with you with the energy that marks the five feet around you as a zone not to be stepped in.

Well, it is hard to get bored of your face no matter how long he looks at it because he is certain he has memorised every little scar on it till he watches you fascinated by the medieval art displays. Your eyes have the deepest ocean of y/e/c ever seen that goes shallow for that black endless void that widens on seeing something that curates to its curiosity. Your lips. Damn those lips that have been blessed by the Gods themselves. They turn and pout in question, are tormented by the teeth when something does not sit right and are touch in a peculiar fashion by your fingers that Loki forgets he has to breathe at one point. He envies the fallen eyelash that sits on your cheek; envies that it gets to touch you and be prayed upon for a wish or desire while he stands to praise nature's work from a distance. But he does not let that bother him for he cannot recall any other time when he has been this content with his life.

"Point at anything in here and you will love it." "Really?" "Mm-hmm. They are really good at everything they make." "Oh...that's-wait. Is this the place that serves that pasta you keep comparing to everyone else's?" Your face is already breaking into the smile and Loki's heart cannot help but whisper 'stop' while running a marathon. "Yup." "Okay, so I'll have a-" "Kira?" Loki turns around before you to see who recognizes you and if it is a threat. "Henry?" The marathon comes to a pause for there is a little prick that is felt right in the chest. You recognise this man with a decent scruff, wide eyes and a bubbly smile. He has already been read head to toe by Loki. He does not seem like a threat. "Hey!" greets Henry before swooping you in his arms and giving one tight hug which leads to your alleged date to grind his teeth. How dare he. "How are you?" "I'm good. What about you?" You don't have to ask him that. He looks fine for someone who just got up from his sleep and drove here. "Fantastic now that we meet." Right. As if you were miserable before. "Where are you these days?! I've met CJ and Kat but never you." "She's with me," Loki declares. And that is when you notice the shift in the energy around you. "Henry, this is my boss, Loki. Loki, this is my school friend, Henry." You watch as Henry brings his hand forward for Loki. "Nice to meet you, man." Loki reciprocates but you can tell by that sharp cut of his jaw that something bothers him even though he isn't being vocal about it like he usually is. "Wait-" Henry's narrowed eyes are already telling Loki something he is tired of hearing- "Loki as in Loki the guy from Sun Corp. The Loki who went missing for two years before-" "So I heard from Kat you're opening a rest-" you try to divert the conversation. "Yes," Loki affirms much to your surprise, "that very Loki." And a smile. "Damn," Henry whispers. "Well, I'll leave you to it then. And you two are invited to my restaurant's soft launch today. Kat will give you the deets and you have to bring Loki." "Oh." You are a little dazed by the incomprehensible smoothness of this conversation. "Uhh..." You feel the brush of Loki's arm with yours when he closes the distance with the two of you. "We will be there," he concludes with his smiling eyes while you are wondering all the reasons you could be feeling this sudden gush of warmth in your cheeks. Nothing escapes Henry's eyes and that bubbly smile. You two have never been close which is why you are wondering why this guy is so excited to meet you. It hits you after a few seconds that the reason you were noticed might not have been because of you but your company. You are still thinking about it when you and Loki settle down in the corner seat looking out the bakery shop. "You don't have to go if you don't want to," you stress, reaching out for the bill in Loki's hand that he has already paid for. But that sly man is already pulling the receipt away from your grip. "I'll go if you go. And considering you are a textbook people-pleaser around your friends, you will be going tonight." All he reflects for your slightly unhinged and offended jaw is his smirk that has a tendency to stir something up inside your gut. "Correct me if I'm wrong." "I am not a textbook people plea-" "You went out to visit Kat even when your leg wasn't healed because she said you had not met her in a while." You scoff. "W-It was true! I hadn't met her in a while and I-" "And because CJ said she was mad at you because you hadn't answered her texts and calls." You do open your mouth to contradict but nothing comes out except a defeated sigh. "You could have told her about your health." Loki tilts his head and melting eyes that have their full attention on you. And you are feeling the goosebumps all over your body from that dedicated stare. Did he always look at me that way? The sensible voice in your head clears her throat and wonders...He could look that way to anyone. But your inner voice is already dancing. Look at the face, woman. Drown me in shallow waters if he isn't head over heels for you. "I...have used my health as an excuse for multiple occasions so I don't think it'll cut for them anymore." There is a slight crinkle in between his brows that does not seem to get as much attention as his tongue that darts out to wet his lips. Why is that even legal? Your inner voice is angry while it involuntarily purrs. "It is your health, Kira. I am pretty sure your friend will understand. Would you not rather that your friends tell you they are not fine instead of hearing about it when it all gets worse someday?" You turn your toes to internally curse yourself on realising he has a point; a very good one. "I'll talk to her," you agree and thank the waiter who brings you your lemon and mint iced tea and Loki's cold brew. "Okay," you sing with crackling judgment humming in your voice as your eyes are stuck on Loki's dark drink, "since when are you into coffee? I haven't been gone that long." "My existence will disagree," he mutters without so much of a thought as he lets his lips touch the straw in great anticipation while his eyes look up at the blank bump of an expression stuck on your face.  Heart thumping to the beats of embarrassment, your brain shuts down, pulls away the glass of cold brew and pushes your iced tea towards him. "Just have the tea, you monster." You try really hard to keep up that frown on your face while your insides want to come out and confirm the words he just said. "Me? A monster?" If you did not know any better, Loki would seem flabbergasted right this second. You narrow your eyes and let sarcasm drip just from your expression. "I have seen you murder your employees without even having to raise a weapon when you aren't in a good mood. Trust your assistant, Mr Loki, coffee is not your friend." "Are you sure?" He narrows his eyes at you and crinkles his nose. "Do you see anyone else being worried about you?" you direct at the surrounding with your hand. There is a tilt of his head and crossed arms come to rest on the table. "So, you are worried about me?" Your eyes pause any movement to stare into his for a moment so long he can feel his soul bare in front of you. "Someone has to..." He is left numb with that look on your face. "Because I am too tired to find another job." Numb from the heart attack he just had till he feels his senses coming back to let him wack in the back of his head and let him know how he got played. What is better than those microscopic jolts of relief he is feeling on your skin is your wide-toothed laughter then nearly pinches your eyes close. Whoever is watching him right now can without a strain of doubt point out at the man in love, looking at his life shine brighter than anyone in the room while he pauses all that he is doing- even breathing- to look at you like it is his first and last time doing so. Whoever is watching him is suddenly craving for a longing look like that; whoever is watching you envies what you can do to that beautiful man putting a good number of insecure humans to shame. "Oh my Gosh-" you suddenly break out of your laugh with a sudden realisation- "I almost forgot about him." Loki, the stoic-as-ever man- who is nearly bending over the table ready to dissolve- furrows his brows at the thought of you remembering someone other than him! "Who?" he asks with a surly taste in his mouth. "Fenrir! How is he?" "Oh." You are somewhat puzzled at that flawless face going from a simmering stare of potential judgment to an innocuous reflection of understanding. "He is as fine as he can be," he shrugs and scratches something on the nape of his neck, making your eyes dart at the bit of exposed skin under the maroon that is royally screwing up with your head with pictures you do not want to be imagining in public right now. "So, he is being a bitch," you summarise for him. He nods in agreement, bringing back his hand and leaving that exposed microscopic yards of his shoulder and neck to be devoured by your stare so hard even the devil would blush. And unbeknownst to you, the devil hath blushed multiple times. "I think he misses his roommate," Loki throws the statement nonchalantly, pulling your iced-tea back to him. "Aw," you squeak a little putting your face in your palms and glittering eyes, "I miss him too." "Then get back to work, Miss Kira," Loki's flat and stern tone softly plays on his tongue, "you have had more than enough of vacation time." "Excuse me?" "What." "I got my bones broken for my company." Loki shrugs and sips your tea. "I nearly died for mine. Big deal." "Wow," you exhale. "Fine. I need a raise." "Okay." "..." "What."

"Just like that?" "You nearly died for the company. The company wants to thank you for your unwavering loyalty." You don't really know what to say next. You never planned this far, thanks to your impulse. That is till the socialist in you finds a silver lining. "Cool," you tilt your head in your palms, "then you can cut my salary for a few more vacation days." Concluding it with a wink. And Loki feels his insides sigh. Never in a million years could he have imagined a soft face like hers would hold the ultimate power to melt his insides like this.

Nature watches again. Through the windows and winds that enter at the opening and closing of the door. Two souls more than just content in their hearts to be in the presence of the unexplainable they thought they lacked. That little boy inside Loki is sitting at that table looking at you with all the innocence and love he can feel in his little heart; all that he wants to give to you. Little Loki knows who the star is and what it is like to be in its presence. And he would not have it any other way. The bakery plays a lofi mix of Just Want To Be The One You Love as these two closeted lovers bickered and enjoyed their much deserved time together, never knowing the company far away clicking pictures of their private time together before disappearing into the crowds and cars on the road outside.

[bb-tings]

campfires & kegs

rudy pankow  

requested by: @ampanonyg

summary: y/n and rudy go on their annual camping trip and meet up with their friends. 

taglist: @ampanonyg @ims0golden @jjsmentalpolaroids @stargazingstarkey @letsgofullkook @jjmbanks @maybanksbaby @1-800-jjslut @simpforstarkey @jellyfishbeansontoast @ilovejjmaybank​ @royalpogue

(i have people who have requested to be on the taglist and then i have some friends who i would like nice criticism from, but if you want off i completely understand.)

______

        The couple was so excited when they finally pulled up to the campgrounds. The time for their annual camping trip had finally come around and they couldn’t wait. When they hopped out of the car and looked around to see a few of their friends that they had made from the many camping trips in the past, the pair’s smiles grew even wider. They knew that if their camp buddies were around too then there would be a campfire party that night. 

        Rudy and Y/n began getting everything out of the car and setting the tent up. Y/n swat at the mosquitoes that attacked her skin, trying to get to the red substance beneath. As much as she loved these trips with her boyfriend, she was over the little bugs as soon as they arrived on the camping grounds. She turned to Rudy who was getting things out of the car. 

“Roo, did you get the OFF,” Y/n questioned her blonde boyfriend as they put their things inside the tent. 

“No...was I supposed to?” When she didn’t respond he turned around to see her standing with her hands on her hips with an emotionless look. 

“I’ll take that as a yes.”

“Rudy, did you at least get the bag of snacks that we packed?”

         When the blonde didn’t respond she let out a frustrated sigh and walked away from him to put the blankets and sheets on the air mattress they had brought. Rudy felt really guilty, he knew that he could be really absent-minded at times. But he was just so eager to camp with his gorgeous girlfriend that everything else just escaped his brain.

        Rudy walked into the tent and pulled the blanket away from Y/n, throwing it on the bed. He grabbed her hands and pulled her out of the tent and he sat on the bench in their camp area. Rudy reached out and pulled her hips towards him, and wrapped his arms around her. Y/n’s hands landed on the blonde’s shoulders. She then slowly made her way to the back of his neck and played with his hair. 

        “I’m sorry.” Y/n heard his words, but she avoided his eyes. She had long forgiven him, but she liked it when Rudy fought for her. In any way, whether he was fighting someone else or fighting himself, as he was doing now. She kept her eyes locked on his lips. When Rudy noticed that he launched forward and gave her a quick peck. Returning to his original position=, he noticed the small smile on her face and her wide eyes. 

“What was that for?”

“I felt like you were assaulting me with your eyes. So I put a stop to it,” the young actor responded with a smirk. 

“Oh. I was assaulting you, was I? I’m sorry, am I making you feel uncomfortable? ‘Cause I’ll leave.” She sported a big smile as she tried to pull away from the boy, but let out a squeal when he tugged her to stand in between his knees again.

“Nah, I’m not uncomfortable. I’m good. But I am really sorry for being so forgetful.” He looked up at the girl with sad blue eyes and poked his bottom lip out for effect. 

“I know baby,” Y/n let out a sigh. “But now we have to add bug spray and snacks to the list of things we need from Walmart. This was supposed to be a cheap trip, remember!.” The girl made a silly angry face and made her voice deeper. 

‘It’s alright baby. I think my bank account can take a hit of about $40 dollars. I don’t know if you know this but I’m a famous actor. I work for Netflix.” the boy smirked up at the girl. 

“Yeah, I remember. You never let me forget,” Y/n started to pull away from Rudy and grabbed his keys from his pocket. “Come on, Mr. Big Shot, Walmart waits for nobody.”

“Alright, wait for me in the car. I’m gonna go tell Luke and Annie to watch our stuff.”

        Y/n watched as he walked the 10 foot distance between their tent and the biggest RV on the grounds. Anne Johnson and her husband, Luke Johnson, were the famous when it came to the specific campgrounds. They had been there the first time the pair had gone camping. The four of them hit it off immediately, being the same age but somehow all in different stages of their lives. 

        The married couple was known for their campfire parties they threw. Renting out the biggest camp spot, they would buy 2 keggers, find logs, build a fire, play music, and then drive around on their 4 wheeler, inviting everyone on the campgrounds. Just strangers, hanging out by a fire, listening to music, and having the time of their lives. 

        When Rudy mentioned their much-needed trip to Walmart, the couple didn’t hesitate to agree to watch their stuff. When Rudy said bye and turned around walking back to his car, Y/n saw Annie and Luke waving towards her. She smiled a big small and waved back, excited for the inevitable drinks the group would share later that night. 

“Tonights gonna be so fun baby.”

                                                   -

“Rudy we don’t need 3 packs of hotdogs, we’re here for 3 nights. Not a week,” Y/n scolded her boyfriend. 

“Well, last time we ran out of food. And you know I get hangry,” the boy pouted next to his girlfriend as they made their way to check out. 

“Well, that’s because last time, somebody forgot to pack the right stuff, and instead packed the year-old weenies. OH and trust me, I know.” 

“You still love me though,” Rudy smiled as he wrapped his arms around the girl as she tried to put the groceries on the conveyor belt. “Unfortunately.”

                                                    -

        Y/n allowed her jaw to drop as she stared unbelievingly at her boyfriend. They had left the store and drove back to the camp. Rudy then walked over to help Luke build the fire, while Y/n helped Annie make some fruity alcoholic beverages inside the RV. They had been there for about 3 hours now, and to say the pair was slightly drunk would be an understatement.

“Are you fucking kidding me, Roo,” Y/n looked towards her boyfriend as he looked genuinely confused. “That bitch was all over you.” 

        When the words left her mouth, she heard Annie and some other people they had met throughout their night, start laughing. She wished the girls had been at the grocery store with them, knowing that they would have been on her side, had they seen the girl, who apparently had a death wish, giving Rudy sexual glances. 

“Babe, she was doing her job,” Rudy slurred as he wrapped his arms around her shoulders, smothering the girl with his hoodie-clad chest. 

“Yeah, while simultaneously giving you bedroom eyes.”

        “Ok! Before this turns into a full out brawl, Luke is about to get his guitar out. It’s c-a-m-p-f-i-r-e-s-o-n-g time,” as Annie spelled out the famous lyrics from SpongeBob, Y/n pulled Rudy towards the benches around the orange and red flames. She made sure to grab the spots right next to the young boy with the guitar, wanting to get the best experience. 

        While Luke and Annie were talking around getting suggestions and requests for music, Y/n snuggled her way into Rudy. She was sitting beside him with her legs thrown over his through. 

        When Rudy turned his head to the left, Y/n took the time to kiss his neck. When her lips made contact with his smooth, freckled skin, she felt Rudy tense and squeeze her knee harder. “What’s wrong, bubba,” she questioned innocently.

“I don’t think I’m gonna be able to sit through this if you keep doing that.”

“What are you talking about Roo? I’m not doing anything wrong-”

“Alright! Kid rock it is!” Luke yelled to everyone and started playing his guitar.

Rudy looked at his girlfriend and glared into her eyes. “We’ll finish later.”

                                                    - 

“And we were trying different things, and we were smoking funny things!” 

When Y/n loudly sang the next lyrics she made eye contact with Rudy. “Making love out by the lake to our favorite song.”

        She felt bad for everybody who wasn’t there. Strangers sitting around a fire, roasting marshmallows and hotdogs, getting drunk, singing their lungs out. This was her favorite thing to do with Rudy. Before he met him, she had never gone camping but she was glad that he brought her along with that one year, because now she couldn’t think of another place she would rather be or other people she would rather be within that exact moment. 

                                                     -

Rudy picked up their last bags and waved goodbye to the Johnsons. He stuffed the bags in the backseat of the car, knowing that if he opened the trunk things would fall out, and then hopped into the driver’s seat. He looked towards Y/n to make sure she had all her electronics and chargers for the drive home and saw the sad look she was sporting. 

“What’s wrong baby?”

“I don’t wanna leave,” she responded with a pout. To this, the blonde boy let out a chuckle. He put his hand on the shoulder of her seat and looked behind him as he backed out of the spot, onto the main road. 

“I know baby, but there’s always next year,” he suggested this as he shifted into drive, then grabbed Y/n’s hand and placed a kiss on it. 

“That’s so far away, though.”

“Well, then you better start counting.” 

“Ugh! I’m taking a nap,” Y/n reached down between her seat and the door and relaxed as the chair slowly started to incline, while simultaneously letting out a yawn. 

“Ok baby. Dream of me.”

“I won’t.”

        When Rudy looked over towards the sleeping girl, he reminded himself how lucky he was. Watching her, he smiled to himself, thinking that she was so cute.  He loved the girl so much and he hoped he got to do just that for as long as she would let him. He just wanted to make her happy, then he too would find his happiness. 

[akechicrimes]

7 or 71 for either shuake or yukamitsu [big eye emojis]

7. “I told you that I’d never leave you; I’m not going anywhere.”

On Goro’s thirty-fourth birthday at ten-thirty in the morning, Akira calls him at work and says, “Happy birthday, dear. I just got hit by a car, and I need to know what color bike you want.”

*

On Goro’s thirty-fourth birthday at ten-thirty in the morning, Akira calls him at work (which Goro dubiously eyeballs for a whole four seconds before picking up) and says, “Happy birthday, dear. I just got hit by a car, and I need to know what color bike you want.”

Well, neither Goro nor Akira own a car for Akira to drive, so that means Akira got hit on foot. Goro is very calm, and has no immediate panic response to that, because he’s a rational and responsible adult. “Are you dead?” Goro asks.

“Probably not.”

“And is there a reason you’re calling me instead of the ambulance?”

“Oh, I’m fine. I think I have a bruise on one of my legs, if that counts. But I was riding your bike when it happened, so the bike got totaled, so, you know. They’ve got the same model you had, but there’s tons of new colors, if you want pictures.”

Goro takes a very long, very deep breath. Goro is very, extremely calm. “Anything is fine,” he says. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

“Yeah, hundred percent. I even landed on my feet; you should’ve seen it.”

“You should go to the ER anyway,” says Goro, in a voice that is truly the epitome of calm.

“I mean, I guess I could, but that seems like a waste of time. And I don’t want to just leave your bike in the middle of the road.”

“Throw it away if it’s wrecked, then.”

“But it deserves a proper send-off.”

“You’re doing this to me on my birthday, Kurusu.”

“I’ll go to the ER if you go with me,” says Akira hopefully, who is a perennially bad influence who is of the opinion that Goro should have just said he’d be ‘working from home’ and spent the day with him.

Goro takes a look at his calendar, tallies up how many meeting he’d have to reschedule, and waits a whole five seconds before he lets himself say, “Fine,” because Akira just said that he’s fine and Goro isn’t upset and everything is so calm that Goro can wait five seconds before agreeing to leave work. “I’ll see you at Leblanc.”

“Wait, wait, which color for the bike? They’ve got green, blue, a red, a kind of fun rose-gold thing, which is a bit excessive considering it’s a bike, and teal, and a kind of blue and orange Naruto-y thing…”

“Anything is fine.” Goro stops. “Except the last one.”

“Red it is! See you in a bit.”

“Don’t ride that bike back to Leblanc,” says Goro, as if lightning might strike twice on the same day on the same man riding the same model bike of the same color, but Akira’s already hung up. Goro speed-drafts a rescheduling email, copy-pastes it to four different people, and then sprints out the office door without even a goodbye to his coworkers.

*

Friday, 11:16 AM

FUTABA: hey

FUTABA: hey goro

FUTABA: hey gorororororororororo

FUTABA: HEY MR AKECHI KURUSU

GORO: If it’s about the traffic accident, I heard about it.

GORO: I’m going back to Leblanc now.

FUTABA: no it’s smthg else

FUTABA: well it is about the accident but i got smthg else for u

FUTABA sent MOV19.mp4

FUTABA: ripped this from the traffic cam

GORO: Is this footage of the accident?

FUTABA: yeehaw

GORO: …Thank you for the offer, but I don’t know if I want to see this.

FUTABA: ok i hear u but i promise it’s hilarious

FUTABA: and also u might feel better if u see it

FUTABA: like idk what he told u on the phone but like

FUTABA: look the car even slowed down at the intersection

FUTABA: the dude was obeying traffic laws and everything he was doing something like ten under the speed limit

FUTABA: the car ENTIRELY missed akira

FUTABA: got the bike full on

FUTABA: and then he just rolls up across the hood and up the windshield like a looney toon

FUTABA: rip ur bike tho it just goes cronch

FUTABA: instant pretzel

FUTABA: ty bichael for ur sacrifice

FUTABA: also idk i figured you

FUTABA: might wanna see for urself that he’s okay

FUTABA: like u can see him stand up at the end and he’s not even confused or anything he’s super duper ok

FUTABA: he’s not bullshitting u over the phone and pretending he’s ok when he’s not ok

FUTABA: u know how he does lmao

GORO: …Huh.

GORO: He really did land on his feet for a whole second there, didn’t he?

FUTABA: yeah like a cat

FUTABA: it’s nuts tbh

FUTABA: and then he remembers he’s a human and falls on his ass LMAO

FUTABA: show it to morgana i want his professional kitty cat opinion on the matter

FUTABA: rate akira’s near death experience

FUTABA: also the driver was v nice and v apologetic and he gave akira his insurance

FUTABA: but i have his home address and work address and phone number and the name of his dog if you want it

GORO: Just the insurance will be fine.

FUTABA: kk

GORO: …And thanks for sending the video.

GORO: Even though I already knew he was fine.

FUTABA: you know those like

FUTABA: itty bitty teeny weeny micro dogs

FUTABA: that are like four and a half pounds

FUTABA: but they think they can take any mfer on the block out of sheer will alone

FUTABA: and theyve always got their eyeballs bulging out and they pick fights with 70 pound dogs

FUTABA: and they have only two emotions which are rage and anxiety and they shake constantly because theyre only four pounds and they have So Much Emotion and nowhere to put it so they vibrate at the speed of sound

GORO: Is this a metaphor about me.

FUTABA: it’s a metaphor about you

FUTABA: because i can hear your shaky angry anxious four pound vibrating all the way from the other side of tokyo

GORO: You are the smallest, angriest, most anxious person I know, who regularly picks fights with international hacking organizations and billion-dollar companies.

GORO: And I, somehow, am the angry shaky dog.

FUTABA: your husband got hit by a car on ur birthday

GORO: I know that.

GORO: I do not need to be reminded.

FUTABA: ah yeah

FUTABA: sorry

GORO: He’s fine.

GORO: He said he’s fine.

GORO: And from this footage, he’s more than fine.

FUTABA: he is super double extra fine with a side of fine

GORO: Unless this footage was in any way edited.

GORO: And unless he was faking his call, somehow.

GORO: In which case, I’m going to walk into Leblanc and find out that he was just pretending to be okay so he could hear my voice one last time and Leblanc will be swarming with police officers to break the news the newly bereaved.

GORO: But that’s not going to happen.

GORO: Because Akira is fine, and I’m perfectly fine.

FUTABA: im rly glad to hear my man

GORO: This footage isn’t edited, is it.

FUTABA: no

GORO: Are you very sure?

GORO: Videos are easily modified.

GORO: Would you even know if it was edited?

FUTABA: yes im a literal wizard of course i would know

FUTABA: where are u even getting this idea from

GORO: The entire series of events is unrealistic, isn’t it?

GORO: You said yourself that it was almost like something out of a cartoon.

GORO: The likelihood that someone gets hit by a car and comes out of it entirely no worse for wear is practically ridiculous.

FUTABA: i ripped that film straight from the cam it is entirely unedited

GORO: But how can you be sure? Did you see him in live camera?

FUTABA: i mean no but he texted me

GORO: What if that was his dying text.

FUTABA: i rly dont know if his dying text would have been the “i lived bitch” meme with the cat filter

FUTABA: he’s fine dude

FUTABA: that’s why i sent you the video

GORO: I KNOW he’s fine.

GORO: I’m asking if there’s any solid evidence.

FUTABA: THE VIDEO

GORO: I’m going to call him. Brb

FUTABA: so what he can tell you he’s fine AGAIN and you’ll be like

FUTABA: “oh but what if it was secretly a pod person who stole his body after he died tragically after calling me one last time to hear my voice”

FUTABA: he is FINE

FUTABA: like go ahead and call him if u want but

FUTABA: the only person who was gonna edit that footage was me

FUTABA: and if he were dead i would not be functioning enough to be doing any kinda photoshop like that

FUTABA: let alone LIE to you jesus christ!!!!!

FUTABA: god

FUTABA: i pronounce you King Shaky Dog

FUTABA: the tiniest and angriest and shakiest and most anxious four pound goblin

FUTABA: i will reclaim my title tomorrow

FUTABA: for now it’s my birthday gift to you

FUTABA: the title of Shaky Dog allows you to go absolutely apeshit and nobody will judge you

GORO: You know I hate birthday presents.

FUTABA: did you call akira

GORO: I hate birthday presents so much that I will be refusing my title as King Shaky Dog and will henceforth not be going ape shit.

FUTABA: ok so

FUTABA: i didnt mean to

FUTABA: get snippy with you or anything

GORO: It’s fine.

GORO: I wasn’t… exactly polite, myself.

GORO: So.

FUTABA: um

FUTABA: you really can call him if you want

FUTABA: there’s nothing wrong with that

FUTABA: between u and me……………………. i definitely did that more than once for a lot lesser reasons than someone getting hit by a car

GORO: My stop is in less than thirty seconds.

GORO: I will probably live.

FUTABA: lmao ok well

FUTABA: if u change ur mind about losing ur shit then please know i gave u that footage in the first place because i think if something like that happened to MY partner i would mcfreakin lose it

FUTABA: speaking of her

FUTABA: sumi says happy birth btw

FUTABA: but cuter because u know how she is

FUTABA: “happy birthday crow-senpai~~~~~~~~” in her shy voice that makes u wanna die

FUTABA: ofoogofhghhfoghfhhghfh g gh SUMI ur so cute ilysm

GORO: Tell her I said thanks.

GORO: And stop telling me how much you love her and use the ring you made me go ring shopping with you for.

FUTABA: HHHHH

FUTABA: im being cyberbullied for being a cowardly lesbian

GORO: I’m at my stop, by the way, so I’m going offline.

FUTABA: which tbh i probably deserve

FUTABA: oh kk see u

FUTABA: watch the video again mr shaky dog

FUTABA: akira is fine

FUTABA: everyone is alive

FUTABA: you are one year older

FUTABA: happy birthday goro

*

The bike is totaled.

Akira isn’t the sort of person to dump a piece of trash right in front of Leblanc, but it’s hard to miss sticking out of the nearby public trash bin. The back wheel has exploded into serrated wheel-spokes and limb rubber bits that Akira’s shoved into the trash as best as he could. The body of the bike is crushed in on itself, exposing its sharp hollow innards; the handlebars resemble a badly-tied knot. The front wheel is left to stick up and out, creaking gently, spinning overhead from half a hinge like a head not quite fully severed.

The cafe is empty except for its usual barista who, of course, is a very normal and mild-mannered barista, who has nothing to do with the several hundred millions worth of dollars of repatriated art hiding in the attic en route back to South Korea. That would be illegal, of course, and Akira Kurusu-Akechi has never once in his life done anything illegal in the name of what’s morally right. “Welcome back, dear,” says Akira, and hangs up a coffee mug to dry, and it’s so normal that Goro is convinced that either he’s experiencing yesterday, or maybe he’s re-experiencing the year 2016 all over again, or maybe Akira really is dead and this is just his ghost.

Goro sits in his usual spot at the bar. Same chair, sixteen years later. Unbelievable. Maybe Goro’s giving him a little bit of a dumbfounded look, because Akira tilts his head, leans across the bar, and pecks Goro on the cheek.

“Where’s Sakura?” Goro asks.

“Having his midday old man nap. So,” says Akira, looking pleased with himself, “either we can close Leblanc for an hour and raid the kitchen and make lunch, or we can close Leblanc and go out and have a fancy lunch. Your choice because I already made dinner reservations and we’re doing those no matter what.”

Goro really means to give him an answer, because Akira really does love Goro’s birthday every year and never fails to pick someplace nice for the day, but instead what comes out of his mouth is: “Did you ride the new bike back home?”

“Yeah, I did. Figured I might as well take it for a test drive. It’s a good bike.”

“Why didn’t you take the subway?” Goro says sharply.

“Didn’t have my card.”

“You just rode the bike all the way across Tokyo?”

“It wasn’t all the way across Tokyo, just a bit away and back… Goro?”

Ah, Goro’s going to become one of those people who has a meltdown any time their loved one gets on a plane or a train or ksomething else associated with heebie-jeebie nonsense magical thinking. Great. Fantastic. God dammit.

“Do you really want me to go to the ER?” Akira asks eventually.

Goro really wants Akira to have never gotten hit in the first place, but people don’t get what they want and sometimes the universe decides to send one bad fucking driver through a red light and take away Akira’s entire life in a split second—one mistake, a coincidence at the wrong place and time, and the boy who fought God and won is a smear of bones on the pavement.

This would be different if it were sixteen years ago, and Goro had the power to bend people’s minds in half until they broke, or dive into the deepest, bloodiest parts of the collective psyche and pummel the worst of them to a pulp—but what’s he going to do here? Lambast a guy who was going ten miles under the speed limit and just wasn’t looking the right way? Is he going to summon a new Persona from his soul and undo time itself?

Can he do anything if the universe decides, one day, that Akira’s time on this earth is up? He spent all those years desperate for power, and then abusing that power, and then desperately guilty for having abused that power, and then desperately trying to get up that power, and now here he is with the power to do jack shit when his husband almost gets run over and if the Metaverse were still around he swears he would have carved Loki from his own soul out of sheer fury alone—

“No,” says Goro sharply, and stands up. “It’s nothing. I’m not hungry, and I’m going for a walk. Please don’t text me unless it’s an emergency.”

“What—hey! Goro, wait, wait—”

“I’m getting some fresh air!”

Akira’s scrambling to get out from behind the bar. “Didn’t you just get here—?”

Goro spins around and points a finger at Akira like it’s his fault: “You were the one,” he snarls, “who promised, when we got married, that we’d always be together. And now you get hit on a bike, and then stand up like it’s nothing and—and get on another bike and go cycling around the exact same streets where you got hit—? Aren’t you scared? Are you trying to get yourself killed?”

Akira falls silent. “I didn’t go back to the same intersection,” he says at last.

Goro can’t take this. “I’m taking a walk.”

“Wait wait wait, Goro, just—” Akira grabs Goro’s hand and Goro has the sudden urge to yank his arm away, but Akira’s hand is also incredibly real, just like it felt this morning and yesterday and the day before that and all the days Goro ever took Akira’s living, breathing body for granted. “I didn’t think it was a big deal. He was going, I dunno, twenty miles per hour at most. It was an intersection. He’d slowed down beforehand and everything, and I didn’t even get hurt on the fall.”

Right, because Goro’s the one who’s just freaking out for no reason. Right. Okay. Because that’s how he is, isn’t he, always being dramatic over little things. Right. Of course. This is fine.

When Goro doesn’t turn around, Akira moves around to the front to look him in the eye. “Sorry if I made you worry,” says Akira. “But it was really nothing at all.”

“Maybe it was nothing this time,” says Goro forcefully. “But what about the next time—the next car—the next time you borrow my bike? What about tomorrow? Or the day after that? Literally any one of the hundreds and hundreds of days coming up where you could easily die just as easily as you died today.”

“Then I’ll escape death hundreds and hundreds of times,” says Akira.

Goro scoffs.

“I mean it. I was a Phantom Thief, wasn’t I? I escaped death more than once. Did it again today. I’ll do it as many times as it takes until we’re both old and grey.” Akira takes Goro’s hand, but it’s Goro who laces their fingers together.

“Sometimes it doesn’t work that way,” says Goro, like a bad echo of his ten-year-old self, trying to figure out what kind of world would let his mother die.

“I’m just keeping my promise,” says Akira. “I told you that I’d never leave you. I’m not going anywhere.”

“Sometimes that’s not your decision to make.”

“It is and I’ve decided I’m immortal until you die.”

Goro scoffs. “Don’t be arrogant.”

“Is it being arrogant? I didn’t let death steal you away from me. I’m not letting it steal me away from you, either.”

“Sometimes…” Goro begins.

“'Sometimes’ what?”

'Sometimes’ what?

Sometimes things get worse. People die early, and unfulfilled; they streak through the sky in a blaze and then wink out, without even a burst of fire to show for it. Sometimes nobody gets a say in what happens, and plans don’t pan out, and wishes aren’t granted, and everything happens for no good reason and no good end.

Today, Goro Akechi-Kurusu is thirty-four years old, about sixteen years older than he ever figured he was going to be. He has a career in a non-profit for maladjusted youth getting reacclimated to school systems and preparing for college, instead of the career in law he figured he’d have if he actually lived that long. He doesn’t just have one friend, but multiple friends. He has, unbelievably, a husband, which honestly still floors him to this day, considering that he was and maybe still is convinced that marriage is a scam devised by asshole men like his father to manipulate young women into a false sense of security. The other day, Akira mentioned that he wanted to get a cat to keep Morgana company, maybe in a few years when they moved into a pet-friendly apartment, and in Goro’s head, it made sense that they would both be alive and together entire years in the future for them to get a cat.

Today is already an impossible day, isn’t it?

“Sometimes,” says Goro flatly, “you say ridiculous things, and I think that you could actually pull it off.”

Akira grins. Akira leans in for their regular greeting kiss when one of them comes home, but this time, Goro closes his eyes, leans into it, really tries to memorize the feel of Akira’s lips on his. Every line and scar on his hands, the odd ends of his fingernails, that familiar way he waits for four beats, then takes a breath through his nose and kisses Goro again, and never can quite seem to avoid kissing him more on the bottom lip than the top. “I don’t make promises I can’t keep,” he says plainly not three inches from Goro’s face. “It’s bad form to leave a calling card and never show up.”

Goro smiles. “Then I won’t let you break your word.”

When Akira pulls away, he kisses the back of Goro’s hand, like a proper gentleman thief of old. “Happy birthday, dear,” he says, and surprisingly, despite the way this awful day started off, Goro thinks that Akira might be able to pull that promise off, too.

[mochikeiji]

Don't Own Me. [Tanaka/Kiyoko]

Pairing: Tanaka Ryuunosuke x Kiyoko Shimizu

Warnings: Mafia AU! Fem!Dom (yas queen) teeny weeny abuse, married.

a/n: I love Kiyoko's fem power ＼(;´□｀)/ I can only imagine what she'd be like a Mafia and is married with Tanaka— whom we all know is very very protective of her.

GIF is not mine!

Parenthesis is the song lyrics! You Don't Own Me by SAYGRACE

(You don't own me

I'm not just one of your many toys

You don't own me

Don't say I can't go with other boys)

"How many times have I told you to stay out of this meeting, Shimizu."

Tanaka can feel his insides boil as he stood from the dark office Kiyoko owns. Running the mafia group, and organizing meet ups was harder than it looks. The stack of papers on her desk that were once neatly placed, now scattered on the floor when Tanaka took his rage out from them.

"I am only doing my job, Tanaka. And I was summoned by Sugawara, I had my orders. It can't be help."

"And have other men with weapons on the same room as you, and can possibly shoot you at any time?"

He barks, a vain popping from his forehead. The more words Kiyoko was saying, the more he finds himself get angry.

"Tanaka, I am not a maiden in need. I know what their next moves would be, and I know for sure, this argument we are having will not get us anywhere."

Taking a sip from her wine glass, her own dark eyes meeting his possessive, and dangerous ones.

"And it's, Kiyoko san to you, Tanaka."

(And don't tell me what to do

Don't tell me what to say

And please, when I go out with you

Don't put me on display)

Going out with the big ones was always Kiyoko's way of fun. But after meeting Tanaka, he was the fifth party along with them.

Daichi was good at fitting in with the crowd. He was the one mostly in charge of following the targets until they lead them to a less crowded place for a, "intervention".

Sugawara would be hidden in the shadows at night, eliminating people that seemed like threats, as Asahi would be the deadliest, having to have a wickedly innocent smile, fooling many.

And there was Kiyoko, since having experience, she often lures men in with the art of seduction. Strong woman, she didn't need the other three or Tanaka to deal with the mess she's caused. She can easily cut off one's throat, and get away with it without having any suspicion placed on her.

And Tanaka? He wasn't on board of the idea of her seducing men. Bigger men.

"As if in goddamn hell will I allow this."

Sugawara sighs in frustration through his earpiece. This was getting no where again.

"Tanaka, stop."

Kiyoko places a hand on her fuming husband's shoulder, only to be pushed away.

"You better fucking not do this, Shimizu. I'm warning you."

They were inside a warehouse. Sugawara was on guard outside with Asahi. Tanaka being persistent, followed his wife inside. Which led to another lovers quarrel.

"It's my job, Tanaka. And your concern will not be entertained."

She clicks her gun— not even bothering to look behind her, she shoots a man out before he even had the chance.

With his mouth open, Tanaka flinches when he feels the hot tip of the gun underneath his chin. Kiyoko glaring menacingly at her husband.

"And I will not be put in display by my own husband."

(You don't own me

Don't try to change me in any way

You don't own me

Don't tie me down 'cause I'd never stay)

When you're part of a Mafia, don't expect you'll have a normal, loving relationship. Expect that it'll be fill with the smell of blood, and sex mixed together. A sadist, and a masochists coming out from your bodies, and the art of mastering a murderous look.

"Shimizu, when I married you, I swore that I would protect you with my entire being."

The two couple sat across eachother. Kiyoko on her own personal chair from her office, and Tanaka inform of her.

"And I can't fucking stand it when you go out there recklessly trying to get yourself killed."

Kiyoko would be lying if she said she was getting tired of having someone worry about her. She loves Tanaka. She really does, but this part she was starting to hate.

"Can't you just stay here in your office, and do whatever it is in here. Where it's safe."

Her chair screeching on the floor making Tanaka cringe. Her glass of wine shattering beside her foot as she walks around the table, pushing Tanaka by the chair down.

"You may be my husband."

She traces her fingers down on his chin, his forehead visible with a layer of sweat, the dominating aura of his wife making him submit.

"But I will never be tied down in this room, and I will never change from who I am today."

She quickly pulls back the chair with Tanaka up, the air suddenly punching his chest as he pants, watching Kiyoko open the door before walking out.

"You may be my husband, but I will never be owned by you or anyone."

(I don't tell you what to say

I don't tell you what to do

So just let me be myself

That's all I ask of you)

Kiyoko finds herself being pushed on bed by her husband almost forcefully. Her face was unfazed as Tanaka's glowed in frustration.

"That was a dirty stunt you did out there."

After having another meeting with an opposing gang. Kiyoko was at front row seat during the scene.

As always, men were pigs.

So she had her arms placed on the table, her chest on display as she worked her own seductive matters to get into the other side of the gang.

Everyone was lucky Nishinoya held Tanaka back from shooting the boss of the group from shamelessly staring at her breast like a piece of meat she was.

In the end, Kiyoko manages to hold off her own— when the boss was nearing to her face for a caress, she instantly takes him down on the table, the boys behind her pointing guns as hers pointed on the head.

"Lower your weapons, and I won't shoot him."

Long story short, everyone was freed to go when they gave the sack of cash they promised before.

Now here they were again.

"Did you have any idea what he might've done to you? What I might've done to him? I would've fucking shot him until my bullets run out. Why would would even do that?!"

His voice boomed in their room. Kiyoko was used to him being rowdy, and always having a loud voice, this wasn't bothering her at all. Only his personality.

"It was my job, Tan—"

"A job to be what!? Some kind of whore?!"

Offended, and hurt, she kneed his stomach hard, causing him to fumble in hid position, allowing her to be the one pushing him down on bed, a knee on his chest as she looks down.

"You don't see me do something when you're doing your part. You don't hear me mock you for doing your part, and you certainly don't see me use force force on you."

Each sentence was laced in venom. Kiyoko hated it when she was being called out for something she isn't. She hates how being a woman would always mean she has to have limits and not prove what she was capable of.

She was starting to hate how men like her husband could act this way.

"I never asked you anything, Tanaka."

Cupping cheek with a warm hand, sighing out the built up irritation to avoid getting angry.

"So please, as your wife. Just let me be, as I let you be free."

(I'm young and I love to be young

I'm free and I love to be free

To live my life the way I want

To say and do whatever I please)

Many of the men in their group wonder if their marriage was still stable. If they're relationship was still healthy since almost every after meeting, mission— they'd hear Tanaka's yelling, and some stuff being thrown on the ground. Or sometimes, him being thrown on the ground.

If you ever came across them, you'd would say, "Does Kiyoko really love Tanaka?", "Do you think Tanaka still loves her?"

You could count their marriage as partially abusive. Partially because they don't hurt each other on purpose. And because Tanaka has huge respect for Kiyoko, he will never lay a hand on her the wrong way.

"Kiyoko san, what are we?"

Kiyoko hums as she places her book down in her lap. Tanaka just staring out the window blinds deeply.

"I know we're married, but, do you really love me? Despite everything I do to you."

She stands up, and walks over him. Wrapping her arms around his shoulders from behind.

"I think I should be asking you that, Tanaka."

Placing her chin down on his head, lightly massaging his tensed shoulders, giving him a moment of relaxation.

"I should be saying that because I never really listen to you."

"But you're right about you and owning your life. And I shouldn't be meddling in it."

"Doesn't mean that I don't love you then."

She twists his head to her aide using her fingers, giving him a hot, short kiss— smiling through it before pulling away and looking him seriously in the eyes.

"I love you, Ryuu. But that doesn't mean that you'll ever own me."

[mxliv-oftheendless]

Trick or Treat!

SURPRISE BITCH, I BET YOU THOUGHT YOU’D SEEN THE LAST OF THE BLACK DAHLIA SERIES!! Well SIKE because you haven’t! I typed this out in the span of Halloween night, but it took a while because *jazz hands* that ADHD life amirite? Lol but I got it done, and still on Halloween! 

So since our last Halloween special featured the event that would change the course of Heather’s life forever, this year’s Halloween special features a much nicer event in Heather’s life. Mainly because I haven’t written any Heather-Fred bonding yet. Also the beginning scene is indeed the dialogue I wrote in my “Eight” story for Writer’s Month, just because it’s a good place to start. Hope you guys like it! Read on and enjoy!

Today on the Black Dahlia series, it’s Halloween, and while Heather hasn’t set foot outside on Halloween in years, that tradition may be broken tonight.

“I need to ask you something,”

Wariness traveled through Heather at Judy’s statement. “What?”

“Well, you know today’s Halloween,”

“Yeah…” How could Heather not know today was Halloween? She could never forget.

“Both Brad and I can’t take Fred trick or treating this year… Do you think you could take him?”

Heather paused, and her hand tightened slightly around the phone. On the one hand, she knew how much Fred loved Halloween. On the other hand… she never went out of her house on Halloween night if she could help it. She just couldn’t face the night unless she was in her home, surrounded by her flowers and assured by her wind chimes and the cross made of rowan she kept on her door. She couldn’t risk it.

Judy seemed to sense her reluctance, because she quickly said, “I know you don’t like going out on Halloween night, so if you don’t want to do it I can call Uncle Bobby—”

“Your Uncle Bobby?” Heather’s nose wrinkled. Judy’s Uncle Bobby taking Fred? The one who called her a Satan worshipper and went into passionate rants about how the Democratic Party would ruin this nation and would definitely make sure Fred didn’t get the chance to enjoy his trick or treating experience? Absolutely not. “No, I’ll do it.”

“You will? But I thought—”

“I know. But your Uncle Bobby taking Fred instead of me is the worse alternative. I’ll do it.”

Judy laughed. “Okay. Thanks, Heather.”

Heather smiled a bit. “Sure, Judy.” She hung up the phone and sighed. “Well… I guess I’m leaving my house on Halloween.”

-BLACKDAHLIA-

“Auntie Heather!”

Heather smiled as she closed the door and turned to watch her ten-year-old nephew run up to her excitedly, clad head to toe in a Darth Vader costume. “Excuse me, Lord Vader, I’m looking for my nephew. Have you seen him?”

Fred giggled, then stood to his full height and pretended to breathe like Darth Vader. “No, Miss Heather,” he said in a deeper voice. “I have not.”

“Are you sure?”

“I find your lack of faith disturbing!”

Heather grinned and pretended to choke. “Ah—Ugh—Help! I’m being choked to death!”

“Hey now,” Judy said with a laugh as she came into the foyer. Heather had to grin at her witch costume, pointy hat and all. “Don’t choke your auntie to death, Freddy. Not when she’s taking you out trick or treating.”

“Oh yeah!” Fred exclaimed, lifting his mask. “Sorry, Aunt Heather.”

“It’s okay, Freddy,” Heather chuckled. “It’ll take a lot more than that to hurt me.”

“Fred, why don’t you go get your pillowcase?” Judy said to her son.

Fred perked up. “We’re going now?”

“Of course we are,” Heather smiled at him. “We gotta hit all the houses before it gets too late. Just think of all the candy you’ll get.”

“Alright!” Fred ran off, presumably to his bedroom to get his pillowcase.

Judy watched him go with a smile, then turned back to Heather. “Thank you for doing this,” she said sincerely. “He’s been talking about Halloween ever since the beginning of the month.”

“It’s okay, Judy,” Heather replied. “Really.”

“Are you sure? I know you hate going outside your house on Halloween…” Judy glanced up at her witch hat. “Oh jeez, this isn’t helping, is it?”

“No, you’re fine,” Heather assured, placing her hands on her arms to stop her from reaching up to take it off. “Really, Judy. You’re fine. It’s only going to be three hours at most.”

“Are you really sure? I can always call someone else…”

“It’s a little too late for that, Judy. Plus, do you really want your Uncle Bobby taking Fred?”

Judy thought for a moment, then shook her head. “You’re right, I don’t,”

“Remind me how you two are related again?” Heather chuckled.

“There’s always a bad one in every family,” Judy laughed.

The sound of footsteps made them look up to see Fred running back down the hallway. Clutched in his hand was a large black pillowcase with orange pumpkins embroidered on it. “I’m all set!” Fred exclaimed. “C’mon, Aunt Heather! Let’s go!”

He grabbed her hand and started dragging her to the door. Heather laughed at him. “Say goodbye to your mother first, Freddy,”

“Fiiiine,” Fred sighed. “Bye, Mom!”

“Bye, Fred. You two be careful, okay? Don’t want to run into a ghoul or a goblin.”

Fred scoffed at her. “Those aren’t real, Mom! But I’ll be careful. Come on, Aunt Heather, come on! We’ll miss out on all the candy!”

Heather laughed and followed him out the door. But she couldn’t help wondering if she had made the right choice as the front door of the Jones residence shut behind them.

-BLACKDAHLIA-

They had been out for about an hour, and as was common for a night in late October, night had fallen quickly. A chilly breeze blew through the neighborhood. Luckily, Heather was kept warm by her leather jacket, and Fred was protected from the wind with his mask and cape.

As for being protected from anything else…

The wind blew a little harder as Heather waited on the sidewalk while Fred ran up to the next house. She gave an involuntary shiver, then froze.

Did she just hear something? No, she couldn’t have. But did she? It sounded like… a laugh. A faint, evil laugh. She knew that laugh.

Her hand reached up and closed around, not the black dahlia pendant around her neck, but the pentacle pendant necklace, that was a brown cord with a silver pentacle pendant. She blew out a breath. “It’s not real,” she mumbled. “It’s not real. She’s gone. She’s not here.”

… Then why were those shadows moving?

Heather’s eyes fixed on shadows on the side of the house. Maybe it was the light from the Halloween lights, but the shadows on the side of the house seemed darker. Were they moving? No. They weren’t moving. And yet…

A pair of glowing eyes appeared before her vision. Heather’s eyes widened.

“Aunt Heather!”

Heather gasped and snapped her head away. When she looked down, she saw Fred standing there. His mask was pushed to the top of his head and in the streetlights she could see a devastated look on his face. “F-Fred,” she managed. “What’s wrong?”

“I didn’t get my candy,” Fred said mournfully.

Heather squatted down. “Why not? I thought you got to the front porch.”

“I did. But then a kid in a skeleton costume snatched my candy!”

Heather frowned. “Why don’t you go back and get more candy?”

“But he’s right over there!” Fred pointed over to where a boy in a skeleton costume stood. He had no mask, so Heather saw the mess of red hair atop his head. He was with a group of boys and laughing.

“That’s Red Herring,” Fred said to Heather. “He’s a bully. I can’t go back up; he’ll see me and take my candy again!”

Heather looked over at Red and his friends, slowly frowning. Then she stood up. “Come on, Freddy.”

She strode across the sidewalk towards the group of boys, her boots thumping on the concrete, with Fred in tow. “Hey!” she snapped. Fred quickly pulled his mask down over his face.

The group of boys looked up at her. “Which one of you is Red Herring?” she demanded, crossing her arms.

“Who wants to know?” Red Herring scoffed defiantly.

“I do. Give my nephew back his candy.”

Red snorted. “Listen, lady, I dunno what you’re talkin’ about. I didn’t steal this weenie’s candy.”

“Oh, I think you did. Now give him back his candy.” Heather glared down at him. “I suggest you do it fast, because I’m not in a bargaining mood tonight.”

“What if I don’t wanna?” Red challenged. “What’re you gonna do about it?”

Heather’s frown deepened. “I’ll tell you what I’m gonna do.” She grabbed Red by his costume and pulled him closer, then took out her pentacle pendant. “You see this? You know what this is?”

Satisfyingly, fear flashed across Red���s face. Heather smirked and went on. “It’s a pentagram. You know what this symbol is for, right?”

“Th-Th-The…”

“I do,” one of the boys said fearfully. “My mom said it’s the sign of the Devil…”

Heather’s smirk widened. “That’s right. And if you don’t give my nephew back his candy… and more… I’m going to make terrible, terrible things happen to you and your friends. And believe me,” she leaned closer to Red’s face, “I know all the worst curses.”

From an outsider’s perspective, Heather, with her black leather jacket, Motley Crue t-shirt, jeans, Doc Marten boots, and dark smirk, looked incredibly intimidating. Red had gone pale, shaking in fear. “O-Okay, okay! I’ll give him his candy back!”

Heather let him go. “Good. Now do it.”

Red went up to Fred and reached into his pillowcase. He took out a handful of candy and dumped it into Fred’s open pillowcase. Heather looked at the other boys. “The rest of you give him some candy too.” She waited until the other boys had given Fred more handfuls before nodding. “Good. Now scram.”

“C’mon, Red, let’s get outta here,” one of the boys pulled on his arm.

As soon as the boys were running off down the sidewalk, Fred turned to Heather. “Wow, Aunt Heather! That was amazing! You’re not… really gonna curse them, are you?”

Heather chuckled. “No. This isn’t even a symbol of the Devil. It’s called a pentacle; it’s a symbol of protection.”

“Then why’d he say it was a symbol of the Devil?” Fred asked as they set back off down the sidewalk.

“Because Catholics think it’s a symbol of the Devil, since it’s a pagan symbol and not a Catholic one. Anything that isn’t Catholic, people automatically assume is the work of the Devil.”

“Oh… People like Uncle Bobby?”

Heather chuckled. “Yeah, Freddy, like Uncle Bobby.”

Fred thought for a moment. “That’s kinda stupid,” he stated.

Heather threw back her head and laughed at that. “Yeah,” she chuckled, smiling. “It is pretty stupid. Do you want to keep trick or treating?”

“Yeah!”

Heather grinned. “Okay, let’s go,”

-BLACKDAHLIA-

When Judy opened the door, Fred sang out, “Trick or treat!”

Judy laughed. “Hey there, you two! Did you have fun?”

“Yeah! I got a whole ton of candy!” Fred held open his pillowcase for his mother to see. “See?”

“Wow! You guys must’ve hit every house!”

“Yeah, we did!”

“Well, why don’t you say goodbye to Auntie Heather and you can go sort through your stash?”

Fred put down his pillowcase and took off his mask, then hugged Heather tightly. “Bye, Aunt Heather!”

Heather chuckled and ruffled his hair. “Bye, Freddy. Have fun eating all your candy.”

When Fred had run off to his room, Judy turned to Heather with a smile. “So it all went okay?”

Heather thought back to the moment she almost had a flashback. She blew out a breath, then smiled. “Yeah. It went okay. By the way, if Fred tells your Uncle Bobby the difference between pentagrams and pentacles at Thanksgiving this year, you can blame me for it.”

Judy frowned. “Why? Did you explain it to him?”

“Yeah… In a way your Uncle Bobby will find offensive.” Though then again, Judy’s Uncle Bobby found everything offensive.

Judy sighed. “You’re a bad influence on him sometimes, Heather,”

Heather chuckled. “Hey, I’m just helping him think for himself,”

“Whatever lets you sleep at night,” Judy laughed. “Do you need any help getting home?”

“Nah, I drove. Say hi to Brad for me, would you?”

“Of course.” Judy hugged her. “It was great of you to do this. I owe you one.”

“No, you don’t,” Heather replied, hugging her back. “Just don’t let Fred eat too much candy tonight.”

Judy laughed. “I plan to do that already. I’ll see you soon, Heather.”

“Bye, Judy,”

When Judy had closed the door behind her, Heather stood on the porch for a moment and let the chilly breeze of late October hit her face. She breathed in slowly, then breathed out. A smile formed across her face. Tonight hadn’t been as bad as she thought.

[bobasheebaby]

Penny Prompts

1 “If I take it off, NAME wins.” “Sweetie, every night you don't kill him/her in his/her sleep, he/she wins.”

2 “Woman, you are playing with forces beyond your ken.” “Yeah, well your Ken can kiss my Barbie.”

3 “NAME, what did we say about being a nicer friend?” “Thank you.” “NAME, what did we say about being a gullible weeny?”

4 “I'm not signing a prenup.” “All right, NAME, listen up! You sign anything he/she puts in front of you, because you are the luckiest man/woman alive. If you let him/her go, there is no way you can find anyone else. Speaking on behalf of all men/women, it is not going to happen, we had a meeting.”

5 “What am I supposed to do?” “Err, keep your mouth off other men/women.”

6 “So you have a song stuck in your head. It happens to everybody.” “Well, I'm not everybody. I have an eidetic memory. I should be able to remember what song this is, but I can't. Something's wrong with me.” “I told you if we were patient, he'd/she’d figure it out for himself/herself.”

7 [Person a knocks on NAME’s door three times] “Who do we love?” “NAME.” [Knocks 3 times] “Who do we love?” “NAME.” [Knocks 3 times] “Who do we love?” “NAME.”

8 “NAME 's mad at me, and I'm not clear why.” “Okay, were you talking before he:she got upset?” “Yes.” “That's probably it.”

9 “Ignore them, NAME. They're just jealous because they'll never have a relationship as good as ours.” “Isn't this when he/she says "bazooka" or something?”

10 [looking at caller ID] “Ooh, looks like I'm gonna have sex tonight.” [answering phone] “Hey, baby...” “His/her right hand is calling him/her?”

11 “Doesn't he/she know you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?” “He/She doesn't have a boyfriend/girlfriend he/she has a NAME.”

12 “What kind of teenager did you think I was?” “Slutty.” “Easy.” “The word is 'popular'.”

13 “Once you open the box it loses its value.” “Yeah, yeah. My mom gave me the same lecture about my virginity. I gotta tell you, it was a lot more fun taking it out and playing with it.”

14 “Is that all you have? Shop-worn tidbits like ‘talk to him/her’ and ‘let it go’? Gee, NAME, life's given me lemons, what should I do?” “Well, you could shove them somewhere.”

15 “More Halloween candy. Didn't you just buy a bunch of it yesterday?” “Oh, yeah. That's gone. It's a rough month when Halloween and PMS hit at the same time.”

16 “I don't believe it. What's gotten into him/her?” “Oh, maybe a couple of virgin Cuba Libres that turned out to be kinda slutty.” “You didn't.” “Hey, you do your experiments, I do mine.”

17 “Come on, we are not old, boring people. We can do better than this.” “That's true. How late did we stay up last night?” “Almost 1 am.” “Damn straight almost 1 am. And we weren't even watching TV, we were watching Netflix like the kids do.” “Yeah. Is it a comedy, is it a drama? Nobody knows!”

18 “You gotta help me get my arm into my sleeve.” [Eyes closed] “Okay!” “Is that my arm?” “It doesn't feel like an arm.” “Then maybe you should let it go.”

19 “Who do I speak to about permanently reserving this table?” “I don't know, a psychiatrist?”

20 “Why would you buy peppermint schnapps?” “Because I like peppermint, and it's fun to say schnapps!”

21 “You wanna turn yourself into some sort of robot?” “Essentially, yes.” “Okay, here's my question: Didn't you already do that?”

22 “I would ask you to find some way to suppress your libido.” “I could think about you.” “Whatever works.”

23 “We cover ourselves in body paint and then we get on this big canvas and do our thing.” “Woah, that's kind of a big step for a guy/girl who only recently agreed to take his/her socks off.”

24 “He’s/She's only been here a day and a half, and I'm seriously considering alcoholism as a new career path.” “Hey, I talked to him/her for five minutes yesterday, and I've been half bombed ever since.”

25 [To NAME’s dog] “Bark once if you need me to call PETA.”

26 “NAME, that's not what boyfriends/girlfriends are for. Although you don't use them for what they're for, so what do I know?”

27 “Don't you dare knock!”

28 “Don't you think if a man/woman was living with me I'd be the first one to know about it?” “Oh, sweetie, you'd be the last one to know about it.”

29 “Good morning, slut!” “What?” “Oh, please! I recognise the walk of shame when I see it. All you're missing is a little smeared mascara and a purse with panties wadded up in it!”

30 “They're gonna get beaten up at that club.” “They're gonna get beaten up at Walgreens.”

31 “Holy crap on a cracker!”

32 “And then you put it back, compromising the rest of the onion rings.” “Aw honey, the buses don't go where you live do they?”

33 “What's up, buttercup?”

34 “And what kind of doctor removes shoes from asses?”

35 “Really still can't talk to me?”

36 “This is banana bread.” “This is a door knob.”

37 “Oh, I don't know. I don't want to manipulate him/her with sex.” “Oh, sweetie, that's what sex is for.”

38 “I'm a little low on cash.” “How much you got?” “Nothing.” “How can you walk around with no money?” “I'm cute, I get by.”

39 “And this is also not the right time. Do not propose.” “What?!” “I know that face. That's your proposed face.”

40 “Don't come to the hospital. We're headed home.” “Oh, that was fast. Did she sneeze the baby out?”

41 “NAME, will you marry me?” “Oh my god, yes!”

42 “Is this the stuff you want me to try on?” “No this is the stuff I want you to throw out. Seriously, don't even give it to charity. You won't be helping anyone.”

43 “If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?” “Well, not to steal from the bible, but turning water into wine sounds pretty good.”

44 “Oh, my God, you’re about to jibber jabber about jibber jabber.”

45 “I love him, but if he's broken, let's not get a new one.”

46 “We can't keep explaining everything. Read that book we gave you.”

47 “You know deep down inside, NAME’s a nice guy.” “The problem isn't what's on the inside. It's the creepy candy coating.”

48 “Um, you know it's kinda early. Do you wanna maybe come in for some coffee or something?” “Oh gee, its a little late for coffee isn't it?” “Aw, you think coffee means coffee. That is so sweet.”

49 “The thing about tomatoes, I think you will really enjoy this, is that they are shelved with the vegetables but they are technically a fruit.” “Interesting.” “Isn't it!” “No, I mean what you find enjoyable.”

50 “Do or do not do there is no try.” “Did you just quote Star Wars?” “I believe I quoted The Empire Strikes Back.”

51 “You can't let him/her get into your head.” “It's too late for me, my head is his/her summer house.”

52 “Well, while they're acting like teenagers we could do something grown up.” “Ooh, you mean like a museum?” “Yes, like a museum but anything else!”

53 “NAME’s being reasonable.” “Yeah, it's freaking me out. I'm gonna go.”

54 “Oh, my God, he/she won't stop.” “How does he/she keep coming up with new ways to be annoying?” “Nobody knows. That's why he’s/she's number one.”

55 “I love you.” “Who cares?”

56 “You're okay with an experiment where you have to answer awkward questions about your innermost feelings?” “Yes.” “Please can I do it with him/her, please.”

57 “Don't be like that. You two need to talk this out.” “Yeah, because you sound really funny.”

58 “I really thought he/she was going to say ‘let it go’.”

59 “Honey, you don't have to thank me every time we have sex, sweetie.”

60 “I finally realize I don't need to be famous or have some big career to be happy.” “Well what do you need?” “You, you stupid Poptart.”

61 “What are you saying? That I'm using my body to get dinner? That I'm some sort of Chinese food prostitute?”

62 “I was unstoppable. I was on fire. It was like my mind and my body were totally connected, like athletes must feel when they're in the zone.” “Again, it was miniature golf.” “Admit it, you're a little turned on.” “You can't be this proud.” “Why not?” “Because I beat you.”

63 “How do you not know how to use glue? Did you ditch pre-school?” “Yeah, but only because I was dating a second-grader.”

64 “Come on. How can you be sad when you're going home with all five foot six of this?” “You think you're five foot six? That's funny.”

65 “Look, I'm telling you I've done it. I clearly remember the cow standing up and then a cow on its side.” “Were you drunk?” “I was sixteen and in Nebraska, what do you think?” “I think you're the one who fell over.” “Well that would explain why the sky was also on its side.”

66 “I need to go back to dating dumb guys/girls from the gym.”

67 “We'll take you to the mall to get it done.” “Why? I can do it right here.” “Really? You have a piercing gun?” “No. All you need is a needle and an ice cube. I've done it, like, a dozen times.” “Oh, I don't know.” “Oh, come on. I'll be gentle. Let me take your ear virginity.” “This party's weird.”

68 “So is that it? Are we engaged?” “Yeah, I think so.” “All right.” “What's wrong?” “I'm not sure. It just feels a little anti-climactic.” “Yeah, it kinda does, doesn't it?”

69 “I promise next time I get married, it won't be a joke. It will be for love ... or money.”

70 “I don't understand, exactly how did he/she get any friends in the first place?” “We liked NAME.”

71 “Here, have some pizza, sweetie.” “You know I'm lactose intolerant.” “I know; I just need you to stop talking.”

72 “So, what do you think?” “I thought it would be a little more ... just more.” “I'm not even sure why we were out of breath.”

73 “I mean I was on fire. I was in the zone like an athlete.” “Sweetie, I beat you at this, too.”

74 “Well, I can't eat like a ten-year-old all the time.” “You're dating somebody! Who is it?” “What? What are you talking about?” “You only watch what you eat when you're afraid you might have to take your shirt off.”

75 “So I'm like a bran muffin?” “What? No, that's not what I'm saying.” “No, that's exactly what you're saying. I'm the boring thing you're choosing because I'm good for you.” “What does it matter? I'm choosing you.” “It matters a lot. I don't want to be a bran muffin. I want to be a cinnabon, a strawberry pop tart. Something you're excited about, even if it could give you diabetes.” “Sweetie, you can be any pastry you want.”

[danetobelieve]

One Shell Of A Dinner Party, pt. 2 || Ricky, Skylar and Winston

“Dee, please don’t argue, lock the doors, Ricky says you need to get the gun and anything that has a shell just shoot it and stay safe … yeah, listen Dee, Dee, DEE! I gotta go, stay safe.” Winston hung up the phone as they heard a claw tap against the glass door that overlooked their garden and back porch. “Guys,” they said looking around helplessly for something they could use as a weapon before grabbing a fire poker that was way too heavy for a fire poker, “I think it’s going to get in….” Winston’s mind was racing. They had a tazer upstairs, but what was a tazer going to do against something of this … well size. It was huge for a crab. “Fuck, fuck … fuck…” they swallowed nervously as the crab tapped against the window again, “what’s the plan?” They needed a plan otherwise they wouldn’t make it out of this alive. 

Skylar held her knife tightly, though she had zero ideas on what she would do with it. Ricky found a bat and Winston was now wielding a fire poker, which were both much, much smarter options. But, she didn’t have any better ideas. As the large lobster looking things began to hit the glass windows harder, Skylar glanced over at Winston. “Hit it till it dies? I have zero plans, all I’ve got is a knife.” A knife. Before she could say anything else, one of the larger monsters managed to force its way through glass, sharp fragments shattering across the floor as the labrador sized creature began to skitter across the smooth floor, its legs unsteady. “It can’t get a good footing in here!” She said before letting out a scream as the beast’s massive pincers began to snap wildly.

“THOSE FLOORS ARE FUCKING ANTIQUES!!” The bellow seemed to surprise the karkinoid almost as much as it surprised Ricky himself as he charged across the dining room, slamming the baseball bat down as hard as he could against the creature’s head, “It can’t get good footing because it’s scuffing up my beautifully fucking maintained wood floors!” He heard the sound of a shotgun ring out across the night and snapped his head up in time to see Dee on her back porch, smoking gun in one hand, middle finger lovingly extended to him and Winston on the other. “Fair enough.” he muttered, taking in the karkinoid corpse in front of the older woman, “Don’t get cornered and don’t try to take on more than one. Those claws are sharp as fuck and a crowd of them will kill you pretty damn quick. Aim for eyes and joints. If you can knock them on their back they’ll struggle to get up.”

Swallowing gently, Winston moved forward. “Ok, so we go for the joints, we go for the joints,” they felt lightheaded, their hands were sweaty, they felt short of breath. Sweating gently, they adjusted their grip on the slick handle of the fire poker and spotted another lobster stepping through the door. This was not exactly their idea of fun, but they had to help. “Oh fuck me,” they grunted as they stepped forwards and somewhat clumsily hefted their fire poker, bringing it slamming down on the joint of crab with a sickening crunch and squeal of pain. That was not something that Winston had been expecting and it turned their stomach. They gagged for just long enough to miss the lobster slapping their legs out from beneath them. Winston tumbled to the floor and scrabbled to their feet. “Fuck, fuck, why don’t we have a gun? Or an axe?” Who knew Deirdre would be right. 

“I really wish we had a gun right now!” Skylar screamed as she ran away from the largest lobster, avoiding the claws. As she booked it away, she saw that another smaller lobster thing had crawled through the broken window, roughly the size of a small dog. As it dropped onto the floor, it began to head towards her, claws snapping together menacingly. “Nope!” She yelled, winding her foot back and punting the monster away from her. The tip of her boot smashed into the lobster thing’s underbelly, but it was unyielding. All she managed to do was kick it across the room. “Heads up!” She winced.

“THIS COUNTRY HAS A GUN PROBLEM AND I WILL NOT BE A PART OF IT!” Ricky punted the small karkinoid out the now shattered glass door and followed it into the night, desperately running for his workshop in the garage, “Dee get the fuck inside!” he shouted as he ran, charging through the door to the darkened space, the faint echo of a “Up yours, Ricardo!” following him into the space. He emerged as quickly as he could, axe slung over his shoulder, running back into the kitchen. Seeing Winston get knocked to the floor, Ricky ran to slide between them and the karkinoid bearing down on them, “Get. Absolutely. And resolutely. Fucked.” He swung the axe down as hard as he could, relishing in the squelch he heard as it broke the carapace. His joy, however, was short lived as he saw several more advancing across the darkened lawn, “I just wanted a nice dinner party. Was that so much to ask?”

“I don’t mind being part of it if it saves me from an apparent group of crab things that are trying to cut us up into teeny weeny little fucking pieces RICKY!” Winston scrambled to their feet and decided that it was probably a good idea to punt these things away if they could rather then try and fight them head on. That had just worked so well the very first time. Except when they tried to punt one, all they succeeded in doing was hurting their foot and they stepped back painfully as the crab they’d just kicked to little avail turned to face it. Bringing their poker whacking down on it, they swallowed as the poker bounced off, cracking the shell a little, but doing little to stop it’s advances.

Startled by Ricky just barrelling out into the darkness, Skylar looked at the bat left in the room. “I’m just gonna borrow this!” She said, tossing the knife back on the table before scrambling over to grab the bat. Hefting the bat over her shoulder, she ran towards Winston, determination and adrenaline fueling her movements. “Just die!” She growled and slammed the bat into the monster’s shell. The wooden bat did very little and the impact made her arms shake as it bounced off the chitin. She wasn’t an athlete, definitely not an athlete. “Oh, come on!” Skylar said as she began to back away from the now very angry lobster monster. 

The problem with Karkinoids, Ricky was rapidly discovering, wasn’t their anger or their pincers, or their strange scuttling speed… it was the armor. The axe was great for it. Ricky took very good care of his tools, and this one was no exception. But every great swing of it took energy, a lot of it, and Ricky was very acutely aware of the fact that he only had a finite amount of it before he could no longer swing the axe. That, coupled with the fact that he had no idea how many of them were going to keep coming through the door, made him very very nervous. “Skylar!” he snapped, unkindly for a moment before he realized, or perhaps remembered, that humans weren’t as used to this as he was, “Grab our plate, frisbee the fish as far out into the yard as you can.” Turning to make sure Winston was back on their feet he beckoned them over, “The minute she gets the fish clear we’re gonna flip the table and try to block the door with it. Yeah?”

Grunting from the exertion, Winston wiped sweat from their brow and raggedly tried to catch their breath in a second before slamming their fire poker down onto the crab that was approaching Skylar. If they could keep distracting it from Skylar for as long as possible then all the better. Backing away from the crab and heading in Ricky’s direction, Winston nodded tentatively. “That sounds like a better plan than any of us have right now,” Winston said as they worked furiously to catch their breath, “Come on,” they screeched at the crab thing smacking it again before darting out of the way of it’s claws. This was all a bit much but they had to do something. They weren’t lucky enough to have brought a gun to a claw fight like Dee had.  

Not even registering Ricky’s tone, Skylar immediately made a beeline towards the table. The lobster around her and Winston was moving menacingly towards her, but they were doing a good enough job of keeping it away from her. Jumping over and dodging around the pincers, she grabbed the plate and yeeted it, along with the fish, out the window. “Is that what you meant?” She asked, hoping that was what Ricky had wanted. And that she hadn’t just chucked his grandmother’s prize plates out into the yard on accident. Letting out a yelp, she jerked her legs back out of snipping range from one of the lobsters.

“Fuckin’ Kobe up in this bitch.” Ricky hoped his congratulatory tone made up for being snippy as he brought the axe down on the lobster that threatened Skylar’s achilles’ tendon. “Now Win!” His heart broke a little as they heaved against the heavy table, flipping it on its side and pushing it up against the hole in the glass, “oh I’m going to have to do so much repair work.” He muttered under his breath as he retrieved his axe and peered over the top of the table. He was heartened to see that Dee had gone inside. “I’m open for suggestions as to next steps.”

Winston wasn’t convinced that they really did any of the heavy lifting there. In fact it felt like Ricky and Skylar could’ve done it on their own without them there. Either way, Winston wasn’t going to complain that they had a few seconds to regain their composure and get their shit together a little bit. Taking in ragged breaths, they peered over the table and spotted three crabs, that made five in total after Ricky had dealt with two. But three was still a lot more then Winston was comfortable with. “Uh, we could try calling the police?” Winston asked hoping that it would be met with agreement, “Though who knows when they’ll be able to help us, we might be on our own for a little while.”

With the table firmly pressed against the opening into the house and the two monsters in the house dead, Skylar hurried across the room to join the other two. “The police? Do you know any police officers who’d be cool just shooting that,” She gestured to one of the smashed in lobster things in the room, “without asking any questions?” Shaking her head, Skylar bit the inside of her cheek. What could they feasibly do? Looking around the room, she began to take stock of some of the stuff they had available to them, eyes landing on the liquor. “Would… would a moltov cocktail do anything? Like, everything’s afraid of getting roasted, would fire scare them off?” She asked, directing her question to Ricky.

“There’s some fake woke joke here about police willingness to shoot anything they can but it isn’t the time for it.” Ricky tried to steady his ragged breathing, quickly retying the corona of curls that had burst free during his fight, “I mean… I don’t know. Is the honest answer. All the fish rain must have lured them out. They’re bottom feeders… usually just off whatever scraps float down but all of this fresh meat on land must have convinced them to come out in droves. Theoretically they’d be unchill with being set on fire, but I don’t know that I have anything that’s a high enough proof to light like that. It’s been a hot minute since I stocked Everclear in my liquor cabinet. I’m not making jungle juice anymore.” his heart rate was slowly returning to normal and he cracked his neck as he calmed himself further, “We can pray that throwing the fish outta the house will be enough… but I’m really not sure. This is completely abnormal behavior for karkinoids.” 

Winston knew that their dad, who was a police officer at the WCPD would happily shoot these things, though they were also beginning to wonder if their parents were as oblivious to all of this as they appeared to be. The karkinoids were snapping up the fish and Winston suspected that soon it would be gone. Sure enough, they appeared to have finished and were starting to round on the house. Swallowing they pointed that out to their companions. “Whatever we’re going to do, now would be a good idea of working it out, we’ve got a barricade, maybe we could make some sort of weapon,” they dashed upstairs and came back with a can of deodorant and a lighter. “Flame thrower, not quite a molotov cocktail but it kind of worked once before, maybe it’ll work again?”

Peeking over the table, Skylar took a good look at the lobster-karki-whatevers. They looked to be about the size of dogs? Like, the dogs with the floppy ears, not the big labrador dogs. Dogs was a bad size comparison. “Flamethrower, that sounds good. And an ax. And a fire poker and a bat.” She said, rattling off inventory just to keep herself calm. “I’m no McGyver and this isn’t my house. Whatever you guys can think of works for me. Just tell me what I need to do and which one I need to hit and I’ll do… my best.” She said with a weak smile, trying to hide the way her hands were shaking. Now that the initial attack had ended and she was fully processing what was happening, the sheer terror of the situation was sinking in.

“I swear to the tides Winnie if you burn this house down I’m kicking you out.” Ricky was rapidly tiring of being attacked by lobsters he couldn’t eat with a nice garlic butter afterwards. He was very very literally out of his element. In his true body and in the ocean karkinoids wouldn’t be a problem. But he couldn’t swim through air. A small thought flitted through his mind, reminding him of the last time he’d made pho. “Fish sauce.” Scrambling to the fridge he pulled the bottle of the rank-smelling but delicious-tasting condiment out of the fridge before passing it to Skylar. “When Win is ready, throw this so it shatters on the back porch. I’m willing to bet they’ll come running for it. Then Winston can light them up and I’ll vault the table and start axing.”

“I swear to god if you keep calling me Winnie then I will deliberately burn this house down, I’m not a yellow bear.” Nor a Chinese politician. They scrambled up the stairs and grabbed everything that they needed before scrambling down the stairs again. “I’m ready,” Winston replied as they quickly got ready, setting their fire poker down, Winston got every can of deodorant that they had been able to find in the house and began to line them up so that they would have easy access. Grabbing their zippo, they flicked it open and readied their finger by the flint. “Whenever you’re ready Skylar.”

Not expecting the jar of sauce to be tossed her way, Skylar bobbled it for a moment before getting a firm grip on the fish sauce bottle. “If you two are going to be risking your lives against these lobster things, I’m going to help too.” She said, determined to make some difference. She wasn’t just going to sit by while Winston lit them on fire and Ricky was out there hacking the karkinoids to bits. Picking up the fire poker in her other hand, she looked at the two roommates. “I’m going to chuck this bottle and then, I’m going to go out there with you and try to smash those things.” She said. Without waiting for the two of them to give her permission, Skylar threw the bottle out the window and watched it sail into the backyard, smashing against the porch. The effect was instantaneous, like a switch being flicked. All three of the karkinoids halted their attack on the house and skittered towards the puddle of glass and fish sauce.

“Well now I have to take the novelty Christmas stocking I bought for next Christmas back to the store. You’ve ruined Christmas. How do you feel about that?” It was, if anything, a testament to how strong their friendship was growing that they could quibble about nicknames when death was a very real and immediate possibility. The minute he saw the bottle leave Skylar’s hand Ricky was in the air, pushing himself over the protective bulwark of the table and out onto the porch. As he jolted himself into action he felt something jar loose, and heard a clatter on the wood as the top set of veneers he wore clattered to the ground. That, while definitely an issue to face, was an issue to face later. There were more pressing issues to take care of now. He swung the axe toward the nearest karkinoid, slicing into one of its legs but ultimately only slowing it a little. “Fire, please!” He called back toward the house. 

“If it means I’ve avoided the big sticky yellow bullet that is Winnie the Pooh then I’m sure that somehow I will survive.” Winston wasn’t exactly devastated by the nickname, not from Ricky. But they weren’t going to take it lying down. As Ricky leaped over the table they had used to barricade the entrance, Winston grabbed a handful of deodorant cans and followed after them. They watched the veneers tumble to the ground and scooped them up tucking them safely in their pocket before flicking the lighter on and spraying deodorant through the flame. The effect was instantaneous as the night air was split open with a blinding flash of orange as the flame roared forwards and engulfed a karkinoid that squealed in pain as it cooked inside of it’s shell. 

When Ricky vaulted over the table, Skylar followed behind him in rapid succession, doing her best to squash the fear that had jolted inside her. Now wasn’t the time to be afraid. She saw Winston pause to pick something up off the ground, but didn’t have time to question it. Darting out of the way of their spray of fire, Skylar took aim at one of the karkinoids that was clawing at the fish sauce and wound up with the poker like it was a golf club. She let the poker fly and the hooked end of the fire iron pierced through the underbelly of one of the lobsters, causing it to screech in pain. Letting out a scream of her own, Skylar gripped the iron tightly, the karkinoid impaled on the end of it. “Fire! Fire over here!” She said, hoping that Winston would get what she meant by that. 

It was, all told, probably the weirdest dinner party Ricky had ever gone to. Definitely the most potentially lethal. As Skylar skewered one of the Karkinoids and Winston lept to light it ablaze, Ricky swung his axe, clipping the legs out from under another one. In the dark of the night it was hard to tell if there were more coming for the house, but one small silver lining was all the bait they’d used had definitely cleared them away from the main house, and Dee inside of it. He’d been about to call out to his friends that it looked like the worst of it was out of the way when he felt something hard sweep his legs out from under him, “Son of a bitch.” he grunted as he went down, the grunt turning into something more akin to a squeak of pain as sharp mandibles tore neatly through his shirt and into the flesh of his torso beneath, “Oh fuck alllllllll of that.” The axe had fallen out of his reach and with the karkinoid bearing down on him for another attack he had few choices, “Help!” he called out before baring his own sharp teeth and biting into the creature’s claw, feeling the carapace splinter between his fangs.

Winston rushed over to Skylar’s side and felt their deodorant can drain as they poured fire onto the karkinoid. This was all a bit much. They felt like they were in a video game. Their heart pounded and their blood roared in their ears. Adrenaline filled their body and it almost felt as if they were floating outside of their body right now. Surreal as it were, Winston found their deodorant can run empty and tossed it. Flicking the zippo open and closed again they put a hand into their back pocket reaching for a can of deodorant.  Sadly, they came up empty and realised that in all of the commotion they must’ve lost it. But they could see their best friend, in this moment, his teeth sunk into a crab that was larger then all the rest. They could hear the pain that they were clearly in and they felt the adrenaline surge in their body once more. They weren’t entirely sure what happened next, all they knew was that suddenly the fire at the end of the zippo exploded into life and engulfed the crab, sending it reeling off of their friend. A second later and they felt faint, the zippo tumbling from their hand and clattering to the ground. It wasn’t long until Winston was following suit, their knees felt weak. The decking, spattered with crab guts rushed up to meet them

[pietrotheavenger]

the four times steve rogers almost kisses you and the first time he does

summary: steve rogers has been smitten with you ever since you joined the avengers. it’s only a matter of time until he kisses you.

pairings: steve rogers x fem!reader

warnings: swearing, blood, near death experiences

a/n: i told you i’d be back! do you like it better when i write in second person or third? do you want to see an au!bucky barnes x reader series, an au!steverogers x reader series, or an au!the avengers x reader series with a dash of au!steve rogers x reader on the side? this is for @prettyyoungtragedy‘s 2k writing challenge! congrats on 2k sweet pea <3

word count: 4300ish

the four times steve rogers almost asks you on a date and the time he does

the first time that steve rogers almost kissed you, you weren’t paying any attention. if you had so much as made eye contact with the poor, lovesick puppy, he would’ve gotten all the encouragement he needed.

it was around 2 in the afternoon, when tony told FRIDAY to let everyone know that he bought pizza for everyone. you had come sprinting down the hallway, dressed in a pair of nike bastketball shorts, one of bruce’s old college sweaters, and socks, your hair flying everywhere like a madwoman. the socks on your feet caused you to continue propelling forward, even when you stopped, throwing you into the arms of an unsuspecting super soldier. he licked his lips, subconsciously, in preparation. 

it would’ve been one of the scenes out of a movie, if your heart wasn’t set on the pizza, that you knew that everyone would grab a box of and return to their respective bedrooms. “oh, steve!” you exclaimed, looking around him to see several boxes stacked on the island. you grabbed his shoulders and pulled yourself to your feet, patting his bicep, as you briskly walked away, snatching a box of pizza.

sam was leaned against the counter, relishing his slice of pizza and watching the whole ordeal with an amused expression. “hey cap, what’s with the red face?” he teased, bursting into laughter when he was met with an icy glare. you had hopped up onto the counter, possessively clutching your box and stuffing your face, simultaneously. you spoke up once you had choked it down.

“hey sam, cap, you two doing anything right now?” you opened up your box and offered a slice to steve, who was standing awkwardly, his hands hanging at his sides. he happily grabbed a slice.

“i got the next training slot, in about ten minutes, but if it’s quick, i can help ya’,” sam spoke, crossing his arms over his chest.

“you know what? i’ll just bug steve. i have the 7 o’clock training slot reserved, and i have time on my hands,” you jumped down, and made towards the sectional sofas. “c’mere!”

he looked at sam, with a slightly horrified expression. his pizza hung limply from his hand, half way to his mouth. sam shrugged, then pointed in the direction that you had just gone, “you heard her. go.”

for the next few hours, steve entertained you with card tricks, you (mostly) bested him in multiple card games, and shared the box of pizza.

team movie nights; meant to be bonding experiences but usually ended up being a shitshow. but this night, it was different. it was your turn to pick the movie. “listen up, losers!” you stood in front of the flat screen t.v., your hands on your hips. this time, you were dressed in a pair of flannel pajama pants, and yet another one of bruce’s old college sweatshirts. “this is the best franchise ever, and if anyone of you ruins it for me, i will murder you in your sleep,” you punctuated your last phrase by jabbing your finger at everyone sat in front of you. 

natasha and clint were on one side, quietly bickering amongst themselves. sam’s head rested in her lap, looking evidently annoyed with the her and clint. bucky took the corner, his hair pulled up in a bun and looking awfully excited, with a bowl of popcorn in his lap. steve sat a foot or so away from him, his arm thrown around the back of the sofa. when you approached him, he let his arm fall to his side. the first pirates of the caribbean movie flickered to life in front of you as you settled into your spot, next to him. your elbow sat on his right shoulder, your head propped up on your hand, as you took popcorn from the bowl in his lap.

he adored your commentary. he heard everything that you grumbled under your breath, and it only made the affection he had for you swell even more. you would occasionally make remarks to him, and he didn’t always know how to respond, but he would always, at least, give you one of his signature bashful smiles. by the end of the movie, you had fallen asleep on his shoulder, your legs strewn across his lap. “what am i supposed to do?” he whisper-yelled, and looked at bucky with wide eyes, and a panicked expression.

“you take her to bed,” bucky shrugged, flicking a sleeping sam in the forehead, “wake up, sleeping beauty.” sam groaned in response and swatted him away.

“wait ‘til i show this to her in the morning,” nat chuckled, snapping a few pictures of the two of you. clint had left the second the ending credits began. 

“nat,” steve began, in a warning tone.

“cool it, captain weenie,” she dismissed him with a wave of her hand, before stalking off to her own room.

“bucky, i’m begging you,” he turned to his friend, who flashed him a peace sign before receding into the shadows of the hallway.

he groaned to himself, before securing one arm under your legs, and the other behind your back, and stood up. your head lolled into his chest and he looked down to see that you were still sleeping. “okay, i got this,” he muttered to himself.

“FRIDAY, be quiet. take me to y/n’s floor,” he hissed, as loud as he dared to. you stirred in your sleep, as he stepped into the elevator. “hey, go back to sleep,” he softly spoke, when your eyes began to bat open. you brought your hand up to clutch the soft material of his t-shirt, and hummed something unintelligible back.

he could’ve kissed you. in all your tangled hair, drool face, sleepy glory. he wanted nothing more than to bring his lips to yours. but, he couldn’t. he knew that you were unconscious and that it just wouldn’t be right to kiss you, to force himself onto you when you wouldn’t even know it. it wouldn’t be fair to you. so he looked away, focusing his eyes on his reflection on the mirrored walls.

the door to your room swung open, when steve approached it. he silently thanked FRIDAY in his head, moving towards your bed. he managed to pull the covers back before placing you down into the sheets. “i want,” you began a sentence, but let it fall flat as you reached for him, blindly, while he pulled your blanket over your form.

“sleep,” he replied, his voice gentle. he let his hand linger on your arm before stepping out of your room.

steve believed that netflix was the greatest thing that happened while he was iced. he loved watching netflix. to be specific, the office. the third time he almost kissed you, began with him all cozy in his bed; his attention on the t.v. screen, the ambient light casting weird shadows across his face. he was so absorbed in the show, that when he heard a knock at his door, he flinched. “who is it?” he asked FRIDAY. his room was always soundproof.

“it is ms. y/l/n.”

you had gone out for the night and promised to bring steve back a tub of ice cream, since you had eaten all of his, two nights ago.

he paused the show and threw his quilt off, standing up, “let her in.” he arched his back, stretching, as the door swung open. “didn’t expect you to be back so soon. what’s-” he began, but stopped abruptly when you crumpled into a heap at the threshold, clutching your shoulder. “hey, hey, hey,” he rushed over, crouching down, examining you.

“got shot,” you rasped out, looking up at him. there was a trail of drying blood at the corner of your mouth. he felt rage overcome his senses for a moment. “but i got your ice cream,” you held up a plastic bag with your other arm.

“i hope you got that before you were shot,” he murmured, before helping you up and leading you to his bathroom. the door to his room shut on its own. he switched the light on and got you to sit up on the marble counter. he grabbed his first aid kit from underneath his sink, and began to work, cutting part of your shirt open. he panicked slightly at the sight of all your blood, but he took a deep breath. you would freak out more if he started freaking out.

“took out the bullet,” you choked out, receiving an empathetic grimace. you did have the ability to manipulate metal, so it wasn’t as gruesome as it could’ve been. he stood in between her legs, cleaning the wound. you hissed in pain, your head falling back, “sweet baby jesus.”

“squeeze my arm,” he told you, continuing without hesitation. you had an iron grip on his bicep, not letting go once, the entire time he wiped the blood away.

“jesus christ,” you grunted, tilting forward to let you forehead rest on his shoulder. “can we just, jesus, take a breather for a second?”

“y/n,” his voice was stern, unwavering, “you’ve lost blood, you can’t lose anymore. i have to close this up as soon as possible. i have numbing cream, and you can take some tylenol after this. in the morning, we’re calling helen in, and you’re going to get this checked out, because i’m not a doctor. got it?”

“but she has the day off.”

“then i’ll ask helen to call in a replacement, alright?” you pulled back and nodded, sweat shining on your forehead. he wanted to press his lips against yours, to reassure you that everything would be fine, that he was right there. instead, he cupped your cheek, “it’s all good? okay?” he stared, intensely, into your eyes. you nodded vigorously, jolting your shoulder.

“jesus,” you drew out the last syllable, pulling away from his hand to look up, attempting to keep the tears at bay.

“stop talking about jesus, and help me with this bullet wound,” he was serious, but there was a joking tone in his voice. “hold this,” he put something in your hand to squeeze instead of his arm. he had to stitch the wound and he needed all of his focus on the task at hand.

after finishing up, while washing his hands, he asked you, “weren’t you out with your friends? who did this?” he looked to you for an answer, turning the sink off and wiping his hands off on the hand towel.

“i don’t know,” you shrugged with your good shoulder, “i saw these guys messing with a girl, so i stepped in to help her, and they shot me and ran off. i was—am— drunk, and my senses were delayed. god, i’m so dumb, i should’ve known better,” you shook your head to yourself, “the poor girl was so scared, she ran off in the opposite direction. man, i must be a pretty shitty superhero. can’t catch the bad guys, and can’t help the good ones. or myself.”

“hey, you’re not a bad superhero,” he was bent over, putting the first aid kit back into place. you didn’t respond. “you’re not a bad superhero,” he straightened back up. “you know that.” a single tear slipped down your cheek. “c’mere,” he pulled you into a hug, careful of your shoulder, and let you cry into his shirt.

“i thought i was going to die,” your words were muffled. he squeezed you tighter. “i wouldn’t have left that alleyway if i hadn’t owed you that ice cream. don’t want any of that unfinished business ghost shit.” you were joking, and steve couldn’t help but smile, until he caught the seriousness in your words.

“don’t say that,” he exhaled into you hair. “you would’ve come back. you had to have come back.”

“it’s the truth, steve,” you pulled back to look at him. your face was stained with tears and your hair was messed up. but you still looked beautiful. “you’re the only reason i didn’t stay there and bleed out. i thought i was gonna die, so what was the point in making an effort? but, i took the subway up here, anyways. because of you.”

“you took the subway?” his eyebrows shot up.

“yeah, how else would i have gotten here?” you cracked a smile. “my dna is all over the train to get up here.”

“god, y/n, you could’ve called me.” you looked away, but he grabbed your chin and forced you to look at him. “y/n,” he slowly breathed out your name. “i’m right here, and i’m not going anywhere. i want you to realize that.”

“thank you, steve,” you craned your head to kiss his cheek. “can you help me change my top?” you asked, after several beats of silence. his face reddened, and he took a tiny step back.

“y-yeah,” he rubbed the back of his neck. he grabbed your waist and pulled you down, so that your feet were on the ground. “how do we-“ he began, but you interrupted him.

“this is already ruined, just cut it open. could i borrow a shirt? i’ll try not to get blood on it,” you patted the bandage on your shoulder.

“okay, yup, i can do that,” he stepped backwards, ran into the doorframe, tripped and caught himself on the wall, then proceeded to his wardrobe, offering you a wave. you bit your lip to keep yourself from laughing, before grabbing the scissors from the counter, and beginning your attempts to cut the form fitting top open. underneath, you were wearing a strapless bra.

after slipping his shirt on, with assistance from steve, you left to go to your own room. steve sat on the edge of his bed, with his head in his hands. you had slipped from right between his fingers, once again.

the fourth time that steve rogers almost kissed you, was his birthday. every morning, he woke up at 5. he downed the bottle of water on his night stand, pumped out 50 or so push ups, checked his emails, took a shower, and dressed in his training gear. by the time he was done, it would be 5:30.

but on his birthday, he decided to let himself rest. he didn’t set his alarm for that day, knowing he’d wake up around 6, on his own. precisely, at 5:30, there was a soft knock on his door. “who is it?” his voice was thick with sleep.

“ms. y/l/n,” FRIDAY responded.

“let her in,” he rubbed the sleep from his eyes as the door opened and you entered.

“oh, were you sleeping? i can come back later?” you stopped in your tracks when you saw him still in bed.

“no, no, it’s fine,” he grunted, sitting up. he saw you standing, bashfully, a wrapped gift in one hand and a cupcake with a lit candle in the other.

“happy birthday, cap,” you grinned. he couldn’t help but recpriocate it.

“you didn’t have to, y/n,” he raised an eyebrow, and you rolled your eyes.

“sure i didn’t, but i did anyways,” you shrugged. he let out a laugh and patted the spot beside him, on his bed. you sat down, placing the gift next to you.

“if you wanna brush your teeth, i can wait,” you offered, but he shook his head. “okay, make a wish!” he closed eyes and wished for the same exact thing that he wished for on dandelions, eyelashes, and pennies, then blew it out. “yay! woot woot!” you exclaimed. you peeled back a part of the wrapper and held the pastry up to his mouth. he took a large bite before moaning in pleasure.

“god, that is delicious!”

“really? i’ve been up since 2:30 making them!” you gushed, then your eyes turned wide when you realized what you said.

“y/n,” he began, but you cut him off.

“today is your birthday, steve. you can yell at me tomorrow,” you held your hands up in defence before grabbing the gift next to you and holding it out to him. “okay, i came across your gift last month, when we were in the former-shield-now-hydra base. i kept it a secret because i didn’t know if i’d be able to fully recover it, which i did. it’s not much but i hope you like it.”

he grabbed the gift and held it up to his ear, shaking it, and earning a smile from you. “okay, let’s open her up,” he mumbled to himself, tearing off a corner of the plain brown paper. in it was a picture frame and a letter on top.

“read the letter later,” you were getting impatient, taking the letter and slamming it on his nightside table so he could see what was underneath. it was a very old picture of steve and his parents. he didn’t remember taking the picture, but here it was in his hands. he thought he lost them forever, but now he had a tiny piece of them. his eyes welled up with tears, nostalgia washing over him.

“i-“ he started but his voice cracked.

“oh, come here, you big goof,” you wrapped your arms around his neck, embracing him, as he clung onto you tightly, a few tears sliding down his cheeks. weirdly enough, he felt a sense of closure. he felt complete, now that he had this picture. things were vastly different in the twenty first century, and he couldn’t count the days where he wished to be back in the 40’s, but now he had the part of his old life that he missed the most; his family.

“i could never thank you enough,” he murmured into your hair. he had a sudden, overwhelming urge to crash his lips onto yours, but not being able to see your lips kept his feelings at bay, momentarily.

“you don’t have to, steve. you’ve already done so much for me.”

the two of you stayed like that for several more moments, before you forced yourself to pull away. you ran a hand through his messy bed hair, and said to him, “go back to sleep. we’ll come in again and surprise you with a cake, this time. act surprised.” you kissed his cheek before getting up and exiting his room. but before you left you looked over your shoulder. “happy birthday, steve rogers.”

the first time steve rogers ever kissed you was on a mission. it was going perfectly well. everything was going just as planned. on the field was tony, steve, wanda, and yourself. pietro was on the quinjet for back up and bruce was operating it, and was the back up for the back up.

the mission was wrapped up, but now you just had to go back to the quinjet. tony had flown wanda up there in his suit. she’d gotten grazed by a bullet and pietro was tending to her. you and steve were fighting through a few agents, nothing that you couldn’t handle. the ones that you had been fighting were now on the ground, as steve tossed another one over his head. “watch out!” you cried out, stepping in front of steve. an agent had approached him, with a knife, but you interfered just in time. he slashed your side with the blade, you let out a yelp, as you effectively sought out his pressure points, bringing him instantly to the ground. you brought your hand to your waist, pressing down on the wound. you could feel the blood seep through your fingers, but luckily the dark material of your stealth suit hid most of it.

“are you okay, y/n?” steve rushed over to you, looping an arm around you, pulling your own arm over his shoulder, helping you to where bruce had circled around and was waiting for you both to board so you could take off. tony was on, by then.

“of course, cap, just a scratch,” you offered a tight lipped smile.

“let’s get you onto the quinjet.”

once you were on, and the entrance closed behind you, you collapsed in steve’s arms. “y/n!” he cried out, guiding you to the floor. “help!” he called out, laying you down, and moving your hand away. “god, ‘just a scratch’ my ass!”

“kiss me,” you rasped.

“what?” he threaded his fingers through your hair and elevated your head up.

“kiss me, goddamnit!” he leaned down and brushed his lips against yours before fully pressing them down. he pulled away when he heard thundering footsteps.

“i could’ve taken care of myself, you know,” he pushed a strand of your hair away from your face.

“not with a knife in your back.”

tony burst in, a bruise forming around his eye. “y/n got cut,” steve immediately said to him.

“oh, c’mon,” he groaned, kneeling down beside you. “bleeding all over my quinjet,” he mumbled under his breath, checking out the wound. “we’ll clean it and wrap her up, but we can’t do anything more than that. we’ll touch down in an hour or so. try to get her out of the stealth suit or we’ll have to cut it off.” he stood up abruptly, leaving to get supplies.

“thigh holster,” your voice was a squeak. steve reached over and grabbed your blade, and began carefully cutting your stealth suit.

“why do we always find ourselves here, y/n?” he asked, under his breath. you exhaled a shaky laugh. by the time tony was back, there was a sizable hole around the deep gash. he had a wet wash cloth in one hand and large gauze in the other. he set to work, wiping the blood from around the wound, as steve applied pressure.

after several adrenaline filled minutes, your torso was wrapped in gauze, and tony and steve had gotten you up onto the stretcher. “let someone at the tower know that y/n needs immediate medical attention,” steve said to the man beside him. they were both covered in blood and breathing hard. tony nodded, and left once again.

“so dumb,” he sighed, “you shouldn’t have done that, y/n. i have the quick healing abilities, not you. you know this means that you won’t be able to go on that mission to rome, right?”

you grunted. he didn’t know whether it was of pain or protest. “really?” your voice cracked.

“it’s next week, too soon.”

“but i wanna go,” your voice was whiney, but steve didn’t mind. he’d do anything and everything to take your pain off your mind.

“but you can’t go. we can go some other time. when we don’t have a mission,” he tucked a stray piece of hair behind your ear, humming.

“steve, has anyone ever told you that you are so beautiful?” your words were slurring together by that point.

“no,” he shook his head, a small smile growing and taking over his features. his face was dirty and his hair was messy, but you would be lying if you said that he didn’t look gorgeous.

“well, you are,” you raised your eyebrows, and waved your hand at him.

“has anyone every told you that you are so beautiful?” his voice went up an octave higher at the end.

“yes, all the time. now, let’s talk about you more, you’re more interesting,” you wrinkled your nose at him when he burst out in laughter. 

“i’m an old man, y/n,” his hand came to rest on the edge of the stretcher.

“but that’s what makes you so interesting! you don’t look a day over 30, cap!” you were awfully enthusiastic, even wiggling to somehow prove your point. 

“do you have any questions about my interesting life?”

“yes. did you really kiss me?” your question surprised him, evidently in his facial expression. he cleared his throat and nodded. “can you do it again?” you were barely heard over the din of the engines.

“you’re not yourself, right now, champ. just pull through a little longer,” he noticed your eyes drooping, he cupped your cheek, swiping dirt away from your cheekbone.

“no,” you responded, stubbornly.

“what?”

“i am myself. i always want to kiss you, and i want to kiss you right now, so i am me. now please, for the love of god and all things holy, kiss me.”

and so he did.

bonus:

the following week, you were finally off of bed rest. steve had been there when you woke up, just walking into the room with a bouquet of sunflowers in his hand. they were beautiful, and you didn’t have the heart to tell him that you were allergic to pollen. he frequently visited you, a deck of cards in his pocket. doctor cho, or whoever happened to be there, would eventually have to kick him out because your heart rate would rise too high due to feeling frustration. needless to say, in your state, he was winning more games than you. 

“good morning, steve!” you called out, as you entered the common space. he was sitting on the sectional, flicking through the newspaper. clint was passed out beside him, a book on his chest. 

“hey! look at you, walking and everything!” he set the newspaper down and stood up.

you spun in a circle, with your arms out, “you know it!”

“i learned a new card trick. wanna see it?” he arched a brow, coming closer to you. he offered you his arm and you accepted it, after you nodded your head. “gotta grab my deck, mind coming with me?” he looked down at you, his lips pursed together. you nodded again. 

in his room, the second the door closed, he had you pushed up against the door, and was kissing you with all he had in him, like he would never be able to again, being cautious with your injury. “do you have any idea how long i’ve waited for this?”

permanent taglist: open

@ssweet-empowerment ; @httpmcrvel ;

[magic5ball]

Nature Trail to Hell Arc III: The Blood Curse of Tako Shak

Chapter 1: Roadside Hysteria

As the saying goes, I went into the Underworld a midget, came out a giant. At least, I think that’s a saying. I also came out covered in wood dust and all those other things you get from falling through a ceiling, but that’s not the point. Anyway, when F-Bomb and I got up, I realized I’d smashed a house under my foot. Now normally, in these types of situations, I’d have no idea where I was, but this place, tiny as it was, actually looked too familiar. Back when I was a nano-Watt, my parents would take me to this toy train museum out in the country. We did this so many times, I memorized the whole way there. So I can swear on my Mother’s grave I tell you the truth when I say this looked exactly like the Pennsylvanian countryside, complete with horse and buggies, anthracite mines, old timey towns, and in the distance, the perfect view of the Statue of Liberty.

“Oh. My. God!” I gasped. “F-Bomb, I think we went through puberty!”

To which my good friend slapped my face with his free hand (the other was cradling a much worse for wear Sailor Moon) “No, we didn’t get growth spurts, Turd. I mean really,” he cried, picking up a tree. “These stupid things don’t even go up to our ankles. Did you honestly think people grew like that?!”

I opened my mouth to speak.

“On second thought, I don’t need an answer. You’re Turd, of course you thought it was some kinda growth spurt.”

“Well, we were in the Underworld a pretty long time.” I said, tipping over the world’s most adorable little water tower “Maybe the world just shrunk while we were away.”

“Watt, Watt, Watt. That’s not how it works. Everyone knows time works different in the Underworld. What was weeks to us down there was probably only a few days up here. Besides”

He pointed to the horizon. “Last I heard, the Pennsylvania countryside wasn’t protected by childproof glass!”

“So… what are you saying?”

F-Bomb glared at me “Do I REALLY have ta spell it out for ya, Turd?! Look around. Since when did planes just fly around in circles?! Attached to wires?! Since when did this country have trains from five different decades riding around at the same time?!” He pointed to the miniature houses, filled with smiling, laughing couples with their kids. “Since when did this country have so many functional relationships?!”

Before F-Bomb could finish, the sky grew dark (well, except where we’d fallen through the roof) and a spotlight illuminated the giant Statue of Liberty. In the distance, the most angelic voice I ever heard belted out ‘God bless America’. It was so beautiful, a single tear crept down my face. But like all things beautiful and patriotic, it couldn’t last. A minute later, it was morning again.

“A-and THAT THING just happened! Don’t you get it, we’re in some kind of model train display!”

I wanted to protest, come up with some witty comeback line, but I had nothing. F-Bomb was right. As much as I wanted this to be real, there was no way the real America would ever be this patriotic.

           Good thing an army of thimble sized people started marching out of their homes, gathering around us like ants at a picnic, or I mighta gotten depressed. F-Bomb looked down at the miniature horde gathered at our feet. Outwardly, he was his usual hard clawed, serious self, but inside I could tell he was thrilled to see someone even smaller than him for once.

“Who the fork are you weenies?” He exhaled from his nostrils was so strong it blew some of them into the next county, all of five feet away.

At the front of this group was a bearded guy wearing a straw hat, suspenders, and several other fashion choices that the 1800’s were inevitably gonna call and demand back. In fact, everyone was dressed in clothes my Grandma probably picked out of the Goodwill bin when she was little.

“Greetings, good neighbor! It is I, Abraham Fisher, good disciple of the Heavenly Father. And I thank you and the heavenly, the merciful, the almighty Lord for coming to our aid!”

The crowd erupted into cheering. In the back, several couples burst into tears and started hugging each other.

Confused yet? Because I sure was. In fact, I almost voiced my confusion, but before I could say ‘What the heck is going on here?’ F-Bomb had already connected the dots and shut me up good. Now, before we continue, just know that the Deinono are known for being the greatest grifters in the Underworld (at least, on their turf) because, man, did F-Bomb pull the grift of an (after) lifetime! I’ll try to word it best I can, but trust me, it was a lot more believable when he said it.

First, he took his hands and spread them out like he was peeling back an invisible curtain.

“Dang straight, worldly peons! It is I, Archangel Michael, sent by the Heavenly Father himself to smite the evil that besieges this unhallowed realm! And with me are Jesus Christ” he pointed to me and my dumbfounded face “and the Virgin Mary!”

“I knew it!” Cheered an amish kid, pointing at my underworld souvenir. “‘Tis the same shirt he wore during the resurrection!”

The crowd let out another hurrah! All except for some schmoe in the back with a raised hand. F-Bomb pointed to him. “O heavenly child, speak up!”

“N-not to be t-that guy, but why is the Virgin Mary dressed in such a small miniskirt? Surely such a revealing outfit is blasphemous in the eyes of the almighty Lord!”

But just as whispers started to bubble through the crowd, F-Bomb was already twenty steps ahead. I was just wondering how the fork the guy who used to drop twenty F-Bombs a sentence learned so many big boy words, and made a mental note to ask him for help on my next spelling test (if I ever went back to school, that is).

“Ah, but she is wearing a dress long enough to reach the floor, in fact. But such a dress can only be seen by those most pure of heart and free of heinous, lustful thoughts most foul!”

Though nobody said a word after that, many soft prayers could be heard in the back.

“So why is it, O devout children, that we have been called here?!”

The nerd who called himself Abraham bowed his head so low I’m surprised it didn’t go through his legs.

“Archangel Michael, what ails the good folk is a crisis most dire!” He gestured toward an enormous (at least, by their standards) mountain in the middle of the countryside. On second glance, I realized it was one of those slanted doors you see outside of cellars all the time, just covered in green fabric and fake trees. “A terrible giant arises from the depths of Hell and takes away our trains!”

“And what, exactly, does he do to these trains?”

“Oh, it’s terrible. They come back, but when they do, they’re all polished and shiny! Worse, they come back… WORKING AGAIN!”

The shock and horror displayed by the citizens at this was so ridiculous F-Bomb nearly broke character. “And this is bad because…?”

“Do you not see, O Archangel? We are the good folk! It is our duty to reject fancy things and embrace self-sufficiency, which this demon has taken from us! And, he comes from below. Therefore, how can he not be evil?!”

The crowd nodded in agreement.

“Very well, peons! The Lord looks kindly at you on this day! We shall smite the evil and drive it back to where it came from!”

No sooner had we said this then the steel doors of the mountain opened, revealing…

A repair guy.

           For a moment he stared at us the way I’d stare at the chalkboard whenever the class started doing long division. Then he took a cellphone the size of a cinderblock out of his dirty overalls.

“Hello, security? There’s a kid in the middle of the layout with some kind of –Ooouuugggh!”

F-Bomb wasted no time delivering a claw to the guy’s face.

“O fouled hellspawn, God has sent you a message, and that message is DEATH!”

The cellphone skidded across the ground, not stopping until it ran through a town, probably causing half a million in property damage.

“You take care of the rest!” F-Bomb shrieked, heading for the phone.

            I got real nervous from that one, let ,e tell you! I may be Christian, but I barely knew a thing about old Mr. Christ, other than that I got my middle name him, and if my Dad was so eager to name me after the guy, he must be important to some degree. Maybe he invented puppies? I wasn’t sure. What I did know was that I couldn’t let the cheering thongs at my feet lose faith in their religion, so I did what most little kids would do in this situation: I realized I didn’t have to be Christ, I just had to deliver divine justice my own way.

And nothing said ‘justice delivered’ quite like pumping a janitor full of underworld lead, curtesy of my tommy gun..

The crowd cheered as blood flowed from the body, forming little, then very big lakes at the foot of tiny mountains. I opened the door in the mountains and put him under before the poor guy flooded the whole countryside.

Meanwhile, F-Bomb was busy on the phone, imitating the maintenance guy’s voice so well I almost thought the guy had come back from the dead.

“Yes, sir! Everything’s bo diddley! Oh, don’t mind me, that screaming earlier was just a… cramp? And no, that’s not a crowd cheering over a dead body in the background. Crazy what static will make you hear!” With that, F-Bomb hung up, triumphant.

Together, we looked at the lands we had arrived in, from the Statue of liberty to the little pueblo villages in the back. We had defeated a great evil, and saved it all. At our feet, the tiny citizens of this world bowed their heads.

“O, mighty emissaries of the Lord, O great vanquishers of evil, is there anything we can do to show our gratitude?”

F-Bomb put a claw to his chin as his face contorted into a hideous upward sickle that I think was supposed to be smiling. “Anything, you say? Well in that case, I and Mr. Heavenly Son over here could really use a foot massage…”

[radreactions]

Companions Meet Negan

Another one written for you courtesy of @saintlyguy! Seriously, this guy deserves a golden medal. I fucking love this one.

***SEXUAL ASSAULT TRIGGER WARNINGS***

Hi, I’m Negan/Nora. And this is Shaun. He. Is. Awesome.

Ada: The bot’s caravan had faced every threat the Commonwealth hive hosts: feral ghouls, super mutants, raiders and occasionally the Institute. She had thought that the greatest evil her caravan would ever encounter would be The Mechanist. Boy did she compute wrong. It was just like any other day when her caravan was attacked by the Saviors; who were much more organized than any other they had encountered, also wearing armor that doesn’t look like scrap welded together. It was down to her, Liza and Jackson when the Saviors circled her diminished caravan and began whistling as if taunting them or calling out for someone. Then came a quartet: to the right was raider looking thug with an eye patch; to the right was a redhead wearing a corset; in the middle was the leader, a vault dweller swinging a bat covered in barbed wire followed by a dog. “Who’s the moron who gave the order to smash all but one of MY new robots?” Jackson shouted “They aren’t your property!” The Vault Dweller turned in their direction and pointed towards Ada, “Well now they are. And is so she, Gage take the girl. She’s ours’ now, gonna make a good wife. That is if she condones it. Otherwise. She gets to have a chat with Shaun here” The one eyed Savior dragged a kicking Liza to a fate Ada wished she couldn’t predict. “So about the moron who left only one robot for me, step up.” A rather young woman stepped up. “(sigh) I thought you were smarter than this Isabel, you were the fucking technophilic MECHANIST.” They turn to the redhead “Cait, fuck her up.” Ada then deduced this vault dweller was going to be the end of her free life on the road. They walk up to her and hook her up to their pip-boy. “Sleep for now my little killing machine. But as for your friend here; he gets to meet Shaun.” Before Ada shuts down, the vault dweller slaps “Shaun” onto Jackson’s cheek so that the barbed wire is stuck to his face and rips his entire cheek off.

Cait: The Combat Zone was full of some of the toughest motherfuckers in the Commonwealth, but none were tougher than her. That is until the Saviors came knocking on the door and shot up the place, leaving no one alive but her and Tommy. They were tied down in the ring, Saviors blocking any exit and preventing any retaliation from the two prisoners. At this point Cait reverted to survival instinct: doing anything to get out of this alive. Tommy can go eat a dick. After a series of annoying whistles a dog and vault dweller wielding a barbed wire bat enters and squats down to meet both of their eyes. “So. Anyone gonna start begging? Y’know one, and only one of you two poor shits will get out of this alive. Who lives depends which one of you licks my boots the hardest.” Screw it.

“Go fuck yourself.” Cait spat.

“Ooh. You got guts. Spencer would be jealous. Maybe I’ll spill them.” As the vaultie reached for a knife, a Savior walked up to his ear and whispered something that stopped him. This Savior had an eye patch and smelled like Nuka Cola. “My bottom bitch here says I should give you a chance to be a Savior. Earn points, or become one of the wives. All you gotta do is kill your friend.” At that moment Cait snapped Tommy’s neck to save her own.

“He ain’t my friend. And I ain’t gonna be anyone’s wife”

Codsworth: 200 years alone. No one has ever set foot in Sanctuary, leaving a lone Mr. Handy to complete futile chores while he rusts away. His loneliness ends when Preston Garvey and his friends settle in the old neighborhood. The butler had new purpose and friends. Codsworth helped Sturges make Sanctuary into well… a sanctuary. This place became a booming place full of life and Codsworth thought “The master would have been able to raise Shaun here.” He spoke too soon. “Honey I’m home!” An explosion at the bridge broke the peace and Codsworth watched in disbelief as he witnessed his old master, as pristine as before they left for the Vault strut in holding a barbed wire bat and leading a rowdy group. The butler was in shock; he couldn’t hear the calls for help from the settlers. All his attention was aimed at his master. “Codsworth? Motherfucking Codsworth! How the hell have you been?” Codsworth felt a mix of disgust and joy: a distaste for this new persona but relief in seeing his master return to him alive. “Master Negan/Nora! Welcome home!” They put a bloodied hand over his dome and the two walked through a burning Sanctuary, all friendly like.

Curie: Vault 81 had a new resident after discovering a secret portion of the vault, a Ms. Nanny scientist called Curie. Being reintroduced to society allowed Curie to continue in her scientific endeavors to improve life. Her new life consisted of working in the clinic as well as helping teach at the school. An innocent to post war America, Curie had no idea of the savagery needed to survive outside the vault. Until a vault dweller with a different number opened the door with an army behind them. Going through the Vault with a barbed wire bat, killing any resisting dwellers; this person gave Curie a rude awakening to the brave new world that belong to the Saviors. The Ms. Nanny had a close encounter with them when she tried to stop the violence, being disabled except for her optics so she could see what’s to come. The Saviors had grouped all the adults and the vault dweller with the bat had them play Duck, Duck Goose with all the children watching. The Overseer was first to choose: duck… duck… duck… duck… duck… goo- SMASH. There goes Bobby. Curie couldn’t scream nor cry, only watch as the outsider killed all the adults in this sick game. “Whew! That was fun wasn’t it kids? Well all good things must come to an end, but don’t worry. My friends and I will be back for half of everything next time. And after that, And after that. Oh don’t cry now, you got Ms. Nanny over here to watch over you.” Curie is reactivated, but can only hover in silence. Curie closes the vault door behind them as they leave. Curie then gathers all the children and any food to the safest place she’s ever known: the secret lab. The scientist aims to keep these children safe from the horrors of the surface until the day she shuts down.

Danse: The Paladin left for the Commonwealth in hopes of uncovering lost technology for the Brotherhood. He knew it wouldn’t be easy; that he would have to face the threats of super mutants, the Institute and raiders. But never did he think he’d see the day raiders would get the best of a squad of trained Brotherhood soldiers. These Saviors were much more organized than the average raider and had armaments that rival that of the Gunners. Their outpost at Cambridge police station was infiltrated and one of them pickpocketed the fusion core out of Danse’s power armor while a handful got the best of Rhys, Haylen and the rest of his troops. While his team were held at their knees, one of the Saviors (with an eye patch) had a stare down with Rhys. It only lasted a minute, until the Savior began to stomp on Rhys. “Cease that at once you filthy-” WHAM! Something blunt and sharp came down on Danse’s head, leaving it as stable as a torn burlap sack full of potatoes. A vault dweller with a barbed wire bat walked in front of him; through his flowing blood, Danse saw the worst smile anyone could see before dying. “This power armor is a lemon! Shouldn’t it only clank about? All I hear is a bitch…… I have an idea.” WHAM!

Deacon: Kellogg had been the name to stir fear among HQ on account of him being the Institute’s number one enforcer and servant. When news reached Desdemona that some vault dweller named Negan/Nora killed him, a sense of relief swept through all members and she wanted to find this vault dweller in hopes of recruiting them. Deacon was the first agent she asked, but to her surprise he freaked out and refused. “That whack is hell walking on Earth, they make Kellogg look like a patron at Weenie Hut Jr’s!” So instead she sent Drummer Boy. After hearing of the order and giving Des a piece of his mind, Deacon rushed to intercept the runner. Instead he found the kid hanging from the side of a Red Rocket Stop near Sanctuary Hills. Wait Sanctuary Hills? Oh shit. He needed to know more, so he infiltrated Sanctuary and found Negan/Nora addressing their kneeling Saviors. “At least they ain’t Trump.”

With a loud, scary yet enthusiastic voice: “Who are we?!”

Everyone in unison “Negan/Nora.”

“We’re the new world order. We're the big swinging dick of this world, have been for a long fucking time...but it seems people are forgetting that. So now our big swinging dick is going to swing harder...and faster, until we take off like a motherfucking helicopter and blow all these motherfuckers away.” Wow. Before slipping away, a Mr. Handy tore off Deacon’s disguise and threw him in front of Negan/Nora. “Bald! My Eyes! Just dicking with you. Well I may end up dicking you anyway. Some of my men ran a train on that kid from the Railroad before I had them string up his corpse.” For the first the in Deacon’s life, he couldn’t crack a quip. “What? Was the joke that bad?”

Dogmeat: It was this dog’s sworn duty to help those in need. Most of the time he’s helping that metal man in the long coat. But the day he was attacked by mole rats at Red Rocket, he thought that this was the end. That is until a vault dweller charged in and smashed all the mole rats with a bat. “You fuckers are low! Ganging up on a dog! I should get some friends and return the favor to your mothers!” The way their voice drove fear into the mole rats as well as Dogmeat, the way they swung their bat, the way they came to help them. A NEW BEST FRIEND? “Those bastards are dead now, you ok boy? You’re a good boy. I bet you get all the bitches. More than me I bet. And I’ve had my share of harems here and there before the bombs dropped.” They spoke like raiders but acted like the metal man. Dogmeat began traveling with this dweller, it felt right. As if this had happened before. The pup stood by loyally as his new best friend burned a barn full of “ungrateful fucks”, befriend the one eyed man and make many more friends who fight with the two. This vault dweller was indeed special, who would they be without faithful Dogmeat?

Gage: A vault dweller in Nuka World doesn’t usually spell out change for Porter. He assumed the park would chew them up and spit them out in a day. Boy did they prove him wrong when they beat Colter to death with a barbed wire bat instead of following his advice. The Pack and Disciples immediately fell in love with this newcomer swearing loyalty to someone as bloodthirsty as them. The Operators weren’t impressed, seeing only a brute even when Gage allied with them. “I’m Negan/Nora. And so are the rest of you. From now on, you’re all my Saviors. I am your Savior.” After organizing the two gangs, Gage’s first advice was to assimilate the Operators. Instead, Negan/Nora led an assault on the defect gang, leaving few survivors; giving them one last chance to be a Savior or live to serve them. All but one gave in, Mags. So the new Overboss slapped a slave collar on her and threw her to Gage. “First one’s on me, first mate.”

“No fucking way, you’re worse than Colter.” Just as Gage began to rip her shirt, the Overboss stopped him.

“Stop you retarded fuck! Didn’t you hear her? She said no! Just lock her up.” Gage was shocked but intrigued at this motion of mercy. This monster has a heart, or at least some moral compass.

“This is going to be one interesting run.”

Hancock: It took everything in the ghoul’s being to surrender to Negan/Nora after they smashed in Kent and Magnolia. Not to mention taking Fahrenheit. “She's got guts - not a little bitch like someone I know. I like her. She's mine now.” That’s all they said, and just like that she was gone. She tried to punch them, and Magnolia paid the price. And Kent, all he did was cry. “Welcome to a brand new beginning you sorry shits.” Sorry especially for Hancock. No longer was he a freedom fighter, he was a husk. He might as well just wander into the Glowing Sea to turn feral. He couldn’t possibly be the leader Goodneighbor needs. Hancock watched as the Saviors went into every building taking half of everything. The most painful sight was Fahrenheit being ordered around like some hired help. Just before they left, Negan/Nora demanded “We gave you service. YOUR WELCOME!”

With a depleted spirit, Hancock whimpered “Thank you.”

“I just slid my dick down your throat and you just thanked me for it.”

Longfellow: The old timer was wary of the major threats in Far Harbor: synths, the fauna and of course the Children of Atom. Never in a million years would Longfellow ever see raiders as more than a nuisance. Negan’s/Nora’s Saviors were much more than raiders. At first they appeared to be guns for hire, offering to deal with the Children of Atom. They demanded a hefty payment of half of everything the town produced, but they delivered High Confessor Tektus. Negan/Nora then proceeded to beat him to death with “Shaun”, that bat they always carry. This single act impressed Longfellow not only because it made Far Harbor safer, but he was able to see the leader of the cult that took Hannah suffer. “Smash that son of a bitch in! Where’s your Atom now you bastard?” He was the only one cheering, everyone else either turned away ran away. It was because of Longfellow’s deviance, that Negan/Nora offered him a place with them. Why not? These people seem to be likeminded and he gets a cut of the profits. Their next job was to take care of Acadia. Longfellow assumed they’d address this differently, seeing how these synths weren’t exactly the crazed psychos of the Atom. But they hogtied DiMA and dragged him to the center of the town and did the same: beat his head in with Shaun. Longfellow knew this was his cue to leave. Under the cover of mist, Longfellow snuck onto a boat headed for Point Lookout in hopes of escaping the wrath of Negan/Nora.

MacCready: The merc without a potty mouth had taken notice of the lack of Gunners and threats from Winlock and Barnes. This was a tragedy disguised as a blessing, which Mac finds out when Hancock is reduced to a sobbing mess after a vault dweller bashes in Kent and Magnolia. Not to mention enslaving Fahrenheit. The reason why the Gunners were dying out was because these “Saviors” killed them all and extorted any settlement; claiming they were providing protection. All this was happening because of that vault dweller, Negan/Nora. Mac knew he had to leave the place and set up shop elsewhere, maybe that Sanctuary place up north. As Mac packed up and started heading out, he was face to face with the devil themself. With the creepiest smile, Negan/Nora gently took Mac’s rifle and bag full of food, caps and supplies. “I love a guy who buys me dinner and doesn’t expect me to put out.” Afterwards Mac began speed walking away which turned into running away in whatever direction gets him away from there.

Nick: The gumshoe was trapped in Vault 114 for at least 2 weeks, having to deal with Skinny Malone’s triggermen jeering at him through the glass. During his time he noticed Skinny discussing with the men about “dwindling supplies” and “not being able to make anymore payments.” Nick knew that this gang was going into disarray, which means an opportunity to escape will arise. So he bided his time until he saw through the glass Malone meeting with a smug looking vault dweller with Dogmeat (?!) at their side. The two parlayed for a bit until the dweller became agitated and began beating Malone to death with a bat. At that moment Darla fell into the room locking the door behind her in a panic. Nick went to her aid, but heard advancing footsteps. He hid Darla in a large vent behind the Overseer desk and went to deal with the threat. “Holy crap! You are freaky as shit. Anyway, you see a lady around? Skinny’s girl?”

“Would you like to see where they dumped the broad?”

Sigh “I knew this would happen. Did Skinny eat the bitch? Whatever, come on out.” Nick winked in Darla’ direction before following the vault dweller. Hope they don’t notice the pistol in his coat.

Piper: First McDonough gives up without a fight to these Saviors, now they’ve taken all the guns! All except Piper’s. She’s never met their leader, supposedly called Negan/Nora but she knows they’re a vault dweller so Blue means danger. The day they did pay a visit, Piper had forgotten to keep Nat in check. “You should all go home. Before you learn just how dangerous we all are.” No!

Negan/Nora drew closer to Nat, and so did their swatter. “Pardon me young lady and excuse the shit out of my Goddamn French, but did you just threaten me?” Of all the things her sister can do, this is the most stupidest thing she’s ever done. Why would she do it? Because her goddamn sister taught her to stand up to scum like Negan/Nora. “How about I take that printing press of yours? Or should I just take you home?” Something in Piper snapped, no one threatens her family. BANG Crap. In that moment a red-headed Savior disarmed Piper and tackled her to the ground. “Shit! WHAT THE SHIT! DID YOU JUST TRY TO KILL ME? YOU SHOT SHAUN!”

“He got in the way.”

Holding their bat over her head, Negan/Nora went back to their happy go lucky voice. “Cait! Kill someone.”

Preston: After establishing Sanctuary as a new home with the help of a friendly Mr. Handy, Preston actually believed things were turning for the better. All that ended when Negan/Nora’s Saviors shot their way into Sanctuary. To make things worse, Codsworth seems to be obligated to obey Negan/Nora. After wiping out most of the settlers leaving a handful alive for a line-up. Negan/Nora began going through all of the people Preston have come to call his friends. Reaching Mama Murphy they taunted “You look shitty. I should just put you out of your misery right now.”

Out of his protective instinct “Just stop!”

The vault dweller then bent down to meet his eyes “All right, listen. Don't any of you do that again. I will shut that shit down, no exceptions. First one's free. It's an emotional moment, I get it.”

Preston felt the same rage he felt at Quincy. “I’m gonna kill you.”

Negan/Nora retorted sarcastically “What? I didn’t quite catch that, you’re gonna have to speak up.”

“Not today, not tomorrow, but I’m gonna kill you.”

Scoff “Are you kidding me? Did you see what just happened, what I just did? Your best chance is to stand up, grab my knife, and drive it through my head. See how you do. Keep actin' tough. Go ahead. Grab the damn knife.”

Strong: The brute waited in the prison on top of Trinity Tower while Rex quoted MacBeth to pass the time. It wasn’t until their third day in the cage, when a vault dweller, their dog, a one-eyed man and redhead bashed their way to the top. After killing Fist, the vault dweller stood at the top, inhaled and took in the view. “Hot diggity dog. This the type of shit that just tickles my balls.” Strong was drawn to this blue person, impressed by how they killed all his brothers. After being freed, Rex immediately went to thank him only to be told to piss off. Directing their attention back to the mutant, Negan/Nora “Wanna kill for me? I won’t kill you. You owe me.”

“Only if we look for the Milk of Human Kindness.”

Negan/Nora disregarded his request, only interested in having the muscle. Strong traveled in hopes of finding the Milk while he followed his new leader. Everything was simple, until Negan/Nora announced they were going to attack a settlement. “Why humans attack other humans? Brothers would never attack other brothers.”

“Well not everyone can be big, green, ugly motherfuckers.” Strong was shocked, his one chance to fulfill his destiny is someone who goes against everything he stands for. The killing is great, but is it worth it when he’s stomping on innocent lives.

“Strong is leaving!”

Sigh. “I had high hopes for your green ass. Before you leave, give a proper farewell to Shaun.”

X6-88: After hearing Father’s parent had killed Kellogg, the Courser was sent to gather intel on this candidate for the next director. “I couldn’t disagree more in Father’s choice of successors.” Negan/Nora was a leader, but their personality and intentions were far from the Institute’s goal of improving humanity. Despite his constant objections, X6 was still ordered to continue observing Negan/Nora. One day the dweller strolled alone in the southern part of Boston, only to encounter a voice from a fridge. They shot the door open only to find a ghoulified kid.

X6 listened in: “You look disgusting! Have you seen it? Have you looked in a mirror? I wouldn’t blame you if you hadn’t. It’s fucking gross.” The child began crying. “Oh damn. Holy shit, kid. I’m sorry.” The vault dweller is apologizing? Not only that, they’re escorting the child home? Past intel has identified Negan/Nora having an unstable personality. But who knew they were capable of compassion?

“Perhaps I’ve misjudged them.” X6 followed them and was about to get involved when Negan/Nora was confronted by slavers demanding to take the child. All were dead in under a minute with Negan/Nora swinging their bat at each. “Last chance! Try to take this kid and I’ll force Shaun up your asses. You know what? Too fucking late!”

More intel is needed.

[gutterballgt]

Call me, chaleigh, knocking on door for the prompt thig if you feel like it

Sorry this took so long! Had one hell of a day, then spent the evening cooking for the weekend. I’m headed down to the country for a weenie roast at my dad’s place tomorrow, so I won’t get to the other two asks until Sunday.

Anyway!

Leave a “Call Me” in my ask, and I will write a drabbleabout one character asking for another [be it at the brink of death/in abattlefield/knocking on the front door wounded, feel free to specify.]

Raleigh Becket hadn’t had time off in years, and though heshould probably be antsy as hell and bored out of his mind, he couldn’t helpbut love being on indefinite medical leave. Mako teased him about how often hejust lazed about in pajamas and socks, but he knew she approved. She’d seen, ofcourse.

She knew how hard he’d always driven himself.

So he binge-read books and binge-watched old televisionshows and movies, and he made himself comfortable on whatever surface hedecided to occupy, and he fucking loved it. Yancy would have loved it, so hemade sure to enjoy it twice as much, just to be sure.

Thus, he was deep into an old Bob Ross episode, half-wonderingif he should give painting a try since it didn’t seem to violate any of hismedical restrictions and lazily anticipating the moment where the beautiful andartfully balanced painting would be split asunder by a huge old tree right downthe front, when a knock distracted him. The marshal, probably. Mako wouldn’tbother to knock and Tendo wasn’t around much at the moment, due to a sick kidat home.

Shrugging, he paused the show, rolled out of bed, andscruffed a hand through his hair. He had no doubt it was sticking up in theback from a long afternoon of lying back on his pillow. For Mako, he wouldn’tcare. She’d tease him about it while smiling that happy, strangely secret smileof hers. But for Herc, he felt he ought to shape up a bit.

He was not mentally prepared to find Chuck Hansen leaningheavily against his doorjamb, breathing shallow and fast with an arm pressedtight around his ribs. The kid was pale with hectic flares of red in hischeeks, sweating profusely through his ubiquitous grey t-shirt, and his eyeswere… scared. Wide and bloodshot and scared.

What the fuck?

“Ray.”

He blinked, then nodded as if a response was required of him.As if Chuck was asking his name.

“Got a spot of bother.”

Finding his voice – and his sense to reach out as if hecould steady the poor bastard – he huffed. “I can see that. What’s goingon?”

“Can I come in?”

He frowned a bit. “Are you sure you shouldn’t go to theinfirmary?”

Those scared eyes widened even further, then the kid lookeddown at his boots. “Please?”

Well, fuck. Chuck Hansen probably hadn’t used that wordsince he was in single digits. Unable to refuse such an earnest plea, Raleighnodded and backed away, then changed his mind and offered an arm to help whenthe kid swayed a bit too far pushing away from the doorjamb.

“Thanks, mate.”

“No problem.”

Being careful of the ribs the big guy kept an arm clampedaround, he tried to take a bit more weight, and medical leave restrictions bedamned. The heavy body leaning against his put out heat like a furnace, whichdidn’t bode well.

“But seriously, Chuck, what the hell is going on?”

Gasping now and even more pale, the kid stumbled along untilRaleigh settled him in a slump on his own bunk. “’M all right.”

Even more worried, Raleigh crouched in front of his oldrival and looked up at that hectic/pale, sweaty face. “You’re not. Whathappened? Are you sick? Hurt?”

Chuck sighed, then winced and sat up a little straighter,eyes wincing shut. “Both, I think.”

“Chuck.”

Instead of answering, the big jerk finally let up around hisribs enough to lift the hem of the damp t-shirt, revealing a bulky, awkwardlump of gauze taped on his left-side lower ribs. Hissing, he reached down andpulled at the nursing tape and raised the makeshift bandage away. The gauzestuck to the inflamed, puffy, jagged slice extending up from hip to ribs, butRaleigh got an unfortunately good look at the mess. A better look than hewanted, frankly.

“Jesus Christ, Chuck.” Swallowing hard, he triedto look away but couldn’t. The kid needed a doctor, and now. “How the fuckdid this happen?”

Gasping again, the poor bastard covered the wound, slumped,hissed, and straightened back up. He now looked sickeningly pale andhollow-eyed, the flush in his cheeks looking weirdly like stage make-up againstthe rest of his shock-white face. Even the notorious freckles seemed eclipsedby his pallor.

“Fell off Cherno’s damn knee assembly and glanced offthe foot on the way down. Bashed in my ribs a bit and got caught on some loose sheeting.”

Wincing, Raleigh shifted to kneel instead of crouch, feelingweak. “Thought you were supposed to strap in if you’re scrapping off thefloor.”

Because of course they’d fished both Cherno Alpha andCrimson Typhoon out of the bay, and of course they were salvaging everythingthey could in hopes of swapping enough parts between the two of them for onefunctioning jaeger, just in case. No one who’d actually fought a kaiju thoughtthey were gone for good.

“Was just… gonna be a sec–” Another wince, thatbig arm clamping back around his ribs. “A second. Slipped on a hydraulicleak and down I fucking went.”

Well, shit. He couldn’t necessarily argue that. It was justa stupid accident, but Chuck was in serious trouble. The gash was clearlyinfected, and who knew if the kid had broken ribs? Or bruised an organ or two?

Sighing, he shifted to reach up and put the back of his handto the pale forehead. Dry heat, despite the pallor and the sweat nearlyeverywhere else. Not good.

“When did this happen?”

Groaning softly, the kid listed over to his right, then gaveup and slumped down to half-ass lie on his side, his arm clamping even harderover the wounded left flank. “Yesterday, maybe. Maybe the day before. Hardto remember.”

Shit. Shit shit shit.

“Chuck, we’ve got to get you to the infirmary.”

Despite his words, he shoved to his feet to heft the bigidiot’s legs up onto the bunk. Thankfully, the change in pose apparently eased thestretch, and some of the strain went out of the kid’s face.

“Why didn’t you just go there? Why come hereinstead?”

Because the kid needed a doctor, not a fellow jaeger pilot.What the hell could Raleigh even do?

Not that his inadequacy stopped him from snagging his pillowand shoving it under the kid’s head and running a hopefully soothing handthrough the mussed hair.

Weirdly enough, the kid leaned into the gesture and huffed abreathless chuckle. “Who did I come to when I needed someone to sneak outwith me for a new tattoo?”

Rolling his eyes, he set to peeling the t-shirt away fromdamp, overheated skin to take it off without hurting the kid. “Me, butonly because I’d told you the week before that I wanted one, too.”

“Right.” Another slightly pained huff as the shirtcame off and shivers immediately set in. “And who did I come to… fuck,it’s fucking cold in here….”

Shaking his head, he reached to pull the blanket away fromthe wall and drape it over the big, shivering body. “Stay put. Keeptalking.”

Because he supposed he could do a few things, after all,including secretly contacting the infirmary to send someone up with awheelchair because Ranger Hansen had an infected wound and possibly somecracked ribs and would never make it that far on his own two feet. And maybesponge off some of that sick sweat with nice, hot water.

“Chuck?” He peered back into the main room fromthe bathroom where he was rummaging under the sink. “Who did you come tofor…?”

“When I… got all fucked up about that…fuck….” The kid shifted on the bed, gasped as the wound likely pulled,and settled again. “What was I…? Oh, right. Who’d I come to when I wasfucked up over that nightmare about Mum?”

Okay, that was actually a valid point. Even at the time,Raleigh had been stunned that Chuck came to him about it instead of Herc. Herccould have sympathized, at least. All Raleigh could do was listen, give the kidan awkward hug and a handful of tissues, and send him back to his bunk in hopesof a couple more hours of sleep before the day started.

“And… oi, Raleigh? Still there?”

“Still here.” But it seemed to take forever forthe mop bucket to fill up enough to stay good and hot. “Keep going. I’mlistening.”

“Good. Uh… who did I come to when I wanted somethingbesides cafeteria food but Dad couldn’t get away?”

He couldn’t help but grin a bit at that. It had been a goodday, actually. They’d practically camped out in a dim sum restaurant andrefused to leave until they’d tried literally everything on the menu. No one onthe staff complained, though. Sometimes, saving the world had its perks.

Hefting the bucket out of the sink, he tossed a towel overone shoulder and snagged the big cleaning sponge – still in the package, or hewouldn’t have dared use it – and headed back into the main room, stillgrinning.

“Yeah, but if I remember right, I was pretty much yourlast possible choice, there. Herc was in meetings with Mako, Tendo had a familything, Gottlieb had already left, and I don’t think anyone in their right mindwould voluntarily go to lunch with Newt.”

But when he knelt down by the bed and went to arrange hissupplies, he realized Chuck was staring at him solemnly, his eyes huge and darkfrom the heavy circles under them.

“You weren’t a last choice, mate.”

Raising an eyebrow, he flipped the blanket back and wet thesponge as the shivers immediately started back up.

“Came to you first every time. Dunno why.” The kidtried to shrug and winced. “Just felt right to come to you first. Knewyou’d sort me out.”

It felt… weirdly intimate. Maybe it was the steady eyecontact, despite how bloodshot the poor kid’s eyes were. Maybe it was the warmsponging that started at the face and neck and trended down until he was verycarefully dabbing at the edges of the wound he uncovered.

Maybe it was just the trust implicit in that last statement.

Knew you’d sort meout.

He hadn’t known his old rival had that kind of faith inanyone, let alone the has-been.

So he kept his touch light as he sponged away the chillsweat, dried the shuddering body off, then covered the poor kid up again,practically tucking him in and even going so far as to tug off the heavy boots.Chuck didn’t say another word, just watched with exhausted, sunken eyes,wincing occasionally but not protesting.

And when the nurse knocked on Raleigh’s door, Chuck didn’tprotest being hefted into the wheelchair – Raleigh helped, but he reallywasn’t supposed to be lifting anything, and the nurse chided him into justhauling Chuck’s legs – but did reach out to snag the sleeve of Raleigh’shoodie on the way out the door. Tired, fever-bright eyes pleaded up at him, butit really wasn’t necessary.

Of course Raleigh was going with him.

And after lancing and a thorough lavaging and stitches andenough antibiotics to bring a dead kaiju back from the dead, as Chuck lie wanand practically unconscious in a narrow infirmary bed, Raleigh sat at hisbedside and read quietly but steadily until the kid finally fell asleep.

And stayed to make sure he slept soundly.

And lingered to keep him entertained the next day while atsking doctor got the big jerk up for x-rays and found three cracked ribs.

And let the kid hang around in his bunk to read and watchmovies and old television shows while he recovered.

And when Chuck finally came to him for a kiss, Raleigh didhis best to sort him out.

He was the kid’s first choice, after all. He didn’t want todisappoint.

THE END

[geek-patient-zero]

Part 1, Chapter 8

Or: Spaghetti and Corpses, Boss

Blood War: Masquerade of the Red Death Trilogy Volume 1

Venice—March 12, 1994

A black shape slipped from shadow to shadow in the late-night darkness. Weaving through the narrow streets and winding lanes of the ancient city, it moved without a sound, heading ever inward, toward Saint Mark’s Square at the center of the sleeping Metropolis.

The form, vaguely human in shape, traveled quickly, never hesitating to stop and stare at the stunning examples of Renaissance and Byzantine architecture that earned the city a reputation as one of the most beautiful locations in the world.

Whatever this shape is, clearly it’s a local.

Nor did it slow down on the numerous bridges it was forced to cross. Venice, situated on 120 islands and formed by 177 canals, was laced with over 400 such spans.

The shape won’t stop and enjoy the scenery, but Robert Weinberg did the research and damn it, he’s going to make sure you all know it.

The shape reaches Saint Mark’s Square, or Piazza San Marco if you want to impress the locals (you won’t), and we get some brief tour guide info on Saint Mark’s Cathedral and the Doge’s Palace as the shape glides past them. By the way, that’s Doge as in the historical supreme authority of Venice, not the meme dog.

I’ve been to Venice. It was one of our stops when my family went to Italy in ‘07. Let me give you some advice. Unless you’re way into history and architecture, you should spend, at most, two days there and not a day more. At the risk of sounding uncultured, Venice is boring. You take a gondola ride on the canals, you visit a glass art shop, you visit the above sites, and that’s all there is to do. 

Venice smells, too. If you google it, you’ll see some travel agency and tourist board crap about how oh, it’s just low tide and salt water, Venice doesn’t stink. Yep, I’m sure it has nothing to do with the city’s romantic canals doubling as an open-air sewer.

Our tour of old Venice ends at the Bridge of Sighs, behind the palace, and we transition back to the World of Darkness and one of its greatest evils: urban land development.

Once the famous arch led to the public prisons. Now the prisoners were gone, and in their place stood a vast, black skyscraper of glass and steel.

We get some background on the building. As you can imagine, the locals were pissed when it was announced that the old buildings were going to be torn down and this random modern corporate penis built in its place.

Opponents objected bitterly to the massive rebuilding project, declaring that the ancient jail was one of the city’s most prized landmarks. As usual, money spoke louder. The city-zoning commission had ignored the complaints and approved the design.

Soon after, a number of the most strident critics had disappeared from Venice. Reports by the police claimed that the citizens had angrily departed the city after being scorned by the city fathers. The more cynical inhabitants of the island said nothing and made their peace with the new skyscraper.

The building is forty stories high, which, phhhhht. That’s a baby skyscraper. All that trouble for a weenie building. I understand the cruelty was on purpose, but whoever owns this monument to hubris could’ve flexed better. Anyway, the building’s surrounded by a twelve-foot-high brick wall with only one gate and guardpost leading inside.

Whispered tales describe huge, red-eyed hounds that roamed the grounds at night. No one was sure what secrets the building contained. Other than a street address, the skyscraper had no name. None was needed. Among the residents of Venice the rectangular black giant was known simply as The Mausoleum.

We don’t learn who owns the Mausoleum for another few pages, but since we’re in Italy and there’s a vampire clan with an Italian as hell name, it ain’t hard to figure out.

The shape gets to the perimeter, but stops. There’s more than a brick wall. And it’s not just a brick wall.

Embedded throughout the barrier were small heat detectors that would record the slightest variation in temperature—warm or cold. The top of the wall was covered by thousands of inch-high, steel needles. Each was barbed with a curve designed to rip protective garments or skin to shreds. Powerful searchlights swept the inside perimeter of the compound every few minutes. Monstrous beasts roamed the grounds, things of nightmare that recognized no friend, only prey. Entrance to the Mausoleum other than through the main gate was impossible.

Understandably, the infiltrator decides to take the front door.

The gate, two six-inch steel doors, is guarded by four ghouls in black uniforms. Two were in a booth with a “complex video and computer network” which gave them live video of the company grounds, and the other two stood by the gate, armed with AK-47′s with high powered explosive ammo.  The shape’s plan on getting past? Wait for them to blink.

Even ghouls blinked. Human senses could not trace such rapid eye motions with precision. But the blot was not human.

Twenty-two minutes later, all four of them blink at the same time. The shape, the presence, the blot, whatever the narration wants to call the infiltrator, slips past them at that moment. As for the door, even though the crack between it and the ground is described as “microscopic,” the infiltrator is “molecules in width” and slips under easily. “The patch of darkness” heads for the Mausoleum’s entrance, a pair of giant glass doors, undetected by the “Hellhounds” wandering around.

Many vampires could meld their forms into the earth, becoming part of the ground. The moving shadow was one of the few that, having done so, could actually shift its location.

Sounds like Earth Meld, third tier power of Protean, the signature discipline of Clan Gangrel. The infiltrator isn’t a Gangrel, but there are other ways the infiltrator could’ve learned it.

Oh, right, and the moving shadow infiltrator is a vampire.

Beyond the glass door is an entrance hall, well-lit and painted completely white, guarded by a single ghoul in a glass booth.

His gaze, like those outside, never wavered, Getting past him would be more difficult.

They could just wait for the guard to blink like with the ones outside, but this way they get to show off more vampire powers.

Gathering its Mighty Will willpower, the shadow projected a single thought at the watchman. Sneeze, it commanded, sneeze. The guard sniffed, scowling. Sneeze, projected the shadow again.

Eventually the guard does sneeze. The infiltrator turns from a shadow on the ground into a white mist. That’s Body of Spirit, fifth tier of Proteus. The change between the two is described as taking “milliseconds.” They slip through another “microscopic” crack, this time between the top of the door and it’s steel frame, and flattened against the ceiling. All during the second the sneezing guard had his eyes closed.

All these descriptions like seconds and milliseconds and microscopic. And that brick perimeter outside with its heat sensors and barbed hooks. It’s like two kids trying to one-up each other while play-fighting during recess.

“My fortress is so secure it’s surrounded by evil dogs and the only way in is through cracks! And they’re smal- they’re my-cros-scos-pic!”

“Oh yeah, well I can turn into a shadow who can get past evil dogs and fit through the smallest cracks ever!

“Oh yeah, well I also have guards who watch every opening at all times all day every day!”

“Oh yeah, well I’m so fast I can get past them when they blink!”

“Oh yeah, well my bodyguards can sense your thoughts and teleport in front of you in a milly-second! And they’re Super Saiyan 5!”

“Oh yeah, well I’m Super Saiyan 6!”

Then one of them hits the other kid with a rock.

There’re more guardposts throughout the building, security cameras, and office workers running around even at this time of night, but the mist avoids them by moving against the ceiling, white-on-white, and finding the door leading to the basement. There, it messes around with the complex’s switch boxes.

The building was controlled by a computer monitoring system. Bypassing the built-in safeguards was child’s play, and the shadow was no child. Mentally, it attached invisible trip wires to the proper circuits. The emergency generator proved no more of a challenge. Plans set, it went looking for a way up.

Those invisible trip wires must be some kind of vampire magic, or else this thing was sneaking past guards and fitting through microscopic cracks while dragging around computer parts.

The infiltrator finds an elevator shaft, enters it, and rises to the fortieth floor. Despite there being security cameras pointed at the elevators, it does this with no problems. There aren’t any cameras in the shaft itself, which the narration notes is a “dangerous mistake.” Sensing that there’s no one running around on the fortieth floor, the infiltrator exists the shaft.

This part of the building was extremely well protected. A dozen deadly spells ringed the inner group of apartments. They were triggered by thought, not physical presence. One wrong move and the invader’s efforts would come to a hideous end.

Effortlessly, the misty form disarmed the traps. Instead of intertwining, so that releasing one set off another, they overlapped. The interloper’s Mighty Will powerful mind surrounded each spell and swiftly neutralized it. Not an alarm was sounded yet in the span of a quarter-hour, the entire top floor of the main headquarters of the Giovanni Clan of vampires was rendered defenseless from outside attack.

“Oh yeah, well my room is surrounded by a hundred magic spells that kills anyone who thinks in it!”

“Oh yeah, well I use my mind powers to destroy them! You should’ve mixed them together instead of making them on top of each other, idiot!”

“Oh yeah, well I turn into a Super Saiyan 20 and-”

That’s when a teacher finds them and makes them cut it out. They don’t want a repeat of yesterday.

No alarm went off, but someone noticed the top floor’s magic defenses were gone anyway, and the infiltrator hears the elevator, full of security personnel, begin to rise. The infiltrator uses whatever psychic BS they have to trigger their magic trip wires from earlier and cut off all power to the elevators. No longer having to worry about outside interference, the infiltrator slips into a room with the name Madeleine Giovanni marked on the door.

Inside the empty room, the mist begins to change, gathering form, turning solid.

In seconds it was gone, leaving standing in its place an attractive young woman with dark eyes and long black hair. Pale white skin and blood-red lips offered a sharp contrast to the black leotard that was her only garment.

Of course she’s hot. This time in a gothic gymnast way!

Walking to a nearby closet filled with women’s clothes, the intruder searched carefully until she found an old-fashioned black velvet gown. Nodding, she slipped out of the leotard and pulled on the dress.

A more low-brow franchise would have the security guards arrive just before she gets the dress on.

It fit perfectly, hugging her slender form as if by design. Reaching into a box on a shelf above the clothes, she extracted a stunning silver necklace and draped it around her neck. It was decorated with the same family crest that marked the front end of the Mausoleum. A pair of short heels completed the outfit.

It’s obvious, but in case you’re glazing over this because you thought the sneaking mission stuff was boring, our infiltrator is Madeleine Giovanni. She broke into her own clan’s main headquarters.

Smiling at herself in a full-length mirror, she strolled across the chamber to a second door. Gently she wrapped on the paneling.

That bit with the mirror. It’s a male novelist cliche to write a woman protagonist examining herself in a mirror and mentally describing every one of her physical features. Y’know, as women do, am I right, herp derp? To Weinberg’s credit, he doesn’t do that with Madeleine. Now if this were Flavia, whose high cheekbones, sensuous lips, and great tits he felt the need to describe twice, who knows.

“Enter,” growled a loud voice from the other side. The speaker did not sound pleased. “You little witch.”

Madeleine enters a huge corner office. It’s lined with dark-tinted windows with a view of Venice one can enjoy without having to smell it. She addresses the man inside as her sire, and informs him that she tested the building's security and found it "...underwhelming." 

A tall man with graying hair, he had the face of an aristocrat.

Appropriate, since Clan Giovanni is one big The Aristocrats joke.

He was impeccably dressed in a dark, three-piece suit with a white shirt and an unadorned tie. His only concession to color was a blood-red rose tucked into his buttonhole. When he walked the earth in human form, hundreds of years ago, Pietro Giovanni had had a passion for beautiful flowers. Undeath had left that sentiment unchanged. As manager of the Mausoleum and one of the most powerful Kindred in Europe, he could afford to indulge his vices. Large and small.

The two vampires sit down to have a discussion about the Mausoleums’s security. Pietro acknowledges that even though he thinks Madeleine is “the most accomplished saboteur” of his childer, and that no other Giovanni could get past their defenses, the Mausoleum is still technically vulnerable to potential enemies. He asks her what she recommends.

This conversation goes on for about a page and a half. Madeleine thinks that they rely too much on ghouls and that while loyal, they’re a weak link in their defenses. The four out front need to be better trained and with better security equipment, meant to “compliment their efforts, not duplicate them.”

“The Hellhounds?” asked Pietro.

“A minor force,” answered Madeleine. “Feed them less. They need to be hungrier.”

Hey now. I know these are ghouled monster dogs bred to main and kill, but that ain’t necessary. More practically, the narration said the Hellhounds wouldn’t attack anything they couldn’t see, hear, or smell, so how’s being hungrier going to help them notice moving shadows? More likely they’d turn on each other instead.

She ramps down the dickishness when talking about things like replacing the ground around the building with artificial sod, installing electric currents in the door frames, and repainting the entrance hall with stripes, but then ramps it back up when she gets to the poor sneezing guard.

Her eyes narrowed. “The ghoul at the entrance. His mind is too weak for the task he performs. I bent his will with minimal effort. He never realized I was manipulating his thoughts. He is worthless. Kill him.”

“As you wish.” Pietro pressed a button on his desk. “Summon the ghoul watching the entrance of the Mausoleum to room seventeen. Disarm him when he enters. Give the fool an hour to contemplate his sin against the House Giovanni and beg for forgiveness. Then feed him to our neonates.” Pietro paused, then continued. “Make sure the other ghouls assigned to guard duty are present and watch. It should inspire them to higher standards.”

“And it’s almost time for dinner. Bring us up two babies. Make them Asian. Tibetan, in fact.”

Also, here’s some fun facts about what it means to be a Giovanni ghoul, from the White Wolf Wiki Giovanni page:

“Giovanni make an art out of ghouling, since ghouling is a rite of passage for the Giovanni – ghouling means that the Giovanni is now part of the people who make the family work. Not necessarily a mover and shaker, but something akin to a made man: the Masquerade is pulled back and the truth about vampires is revealed. Giovanni tend to make Proxy Kisses aesthetic efforts, and take a point in pride in producing especially memorable or mind-destroying ones – blood received via fellatio, blasphemous masses and the like are all popular choices.”

If that ghouling process is the same for regular ghoul employees as it is for potential future vampire ghouls, then that guard had a shit life.

Madeleine goes on to suggest security cameras in the basement and elevator shafts, and motion detectors. They’re briefly interrupted by a phone call. Along with the elevators, Madeleine had also turned off all power on the lower levels, which she turns back on when asked with a snap of her fingers. Then they get on the subject of magic spells.

“Now explain what you want done with the spells. Anything involving the black arts has to be approved by the clan elders.”

I’m guessing all these spells are blood magic. I don’t know a whole lot about the metaphysical side of World of Darkness lore. I know that Mage magic is based on “bending reality” and that vampires can’t do that, hence Clan Tremere’s whole thing with having to learn Thaumatergy to compensate for their lost magic. If these spells aren’t blood magic, then I don’t get what the difference between that and Mage magic is.

“They spent the next hour talking.”

Meaning by the time they’re done that guard is already neonate chow.

Finally, Pietro raised his hands in mock surrender. “Enough. You have convinced me. I will raise your points with our esteemed ancestors at the next board meeting. There will be no objections.”

“Right after we have the vote on whether pineapple-on-pizza is grounds for excommunication.”

“Good,” said Madeleine. [...] “You realize, grandfather, I went through this escapade merely to insure you are properly protected.”

“Yes, my precious one,” replied Pietro fondly. “You are my greatest treasure. I thank you for your concern.”

The narration introduces one of the big Giovanni gimmicks: Every member, vampire and mortal, no matter how distantly, is related. Literally one huge family, descended from the first Giovanni, Augustus, and his family at the time he got his... start, sometime in the Dark Ages.

With that much focus on family and this being dark fantasy, you know what that means. It’s inevitable that incest would come up. The White Wolf wiki tries to downplay this, implying that the clan’s “incestuous nature” is more a structural thing, with some Giovanni rarely interacting with anyone but other Giovanni and the problems that can cause with their worldview and social interaction. But no, there’s still plenty of the gross hillbilly literal kind of incest going on. Luckily, nothing in this book suggests that the relationship between Pietro and Madeleine is anything more than granddad sire and granddaughter childe.

Madeleine had been Embraced by Pietro, establishing their relationship in undeath. She was also the daughter of his only son, Daniel, who had met the Final Death at the hands of Don Caravelli, the Kindred master of the mafia. It was a debt both father and daughter had sworn to repay.

Normally, Giovanni aren’t suppose to Embrace members of their immediate family. Some other Giovanni a few branches on the family tree away’s supposed to do it, otherwise it would encourage nepotism. It happens anyway, but it’s frowned upon.

And despite being a powerful and influential Italian criminal organization with ceremonies comparable to becoming a made man, the Giovanni aren’t part of the Sicilian Mafia. In the general lore the Giovanni have connections in the mafia, but they’re both separate organizations. Remember, the mob is Sicilian, the Giovanni are northern Italian. It’s a moot point anyway, since they’re enemies in Blood War thanks to a classic you-killed-my-father feud.

The narration describes two other big things about the Giovanni, what it refers to as their “two ruling passions: money and death.”

Their skill at manipulating finances was matched only by their powers of necromancy. Of all the Kindred, their clan was the most heavily involved with the world beyond. No one was sure what ghastly rituals they pursued in secret vaults beneath family enclaves. Rumors spoke of an incredible plot to control not only all life but the spirits of the dead as well.

That’s all true. Their “take over the worlds of both the living and the dead” plot’s a hell of a thing, but it’s irrelevant to Blood War.

Equally mysterious was the exact extant of the Giovanni fortune. Like a gigantic financial octopus, the family business had spread tentacles throughout the world. Connections with the Catholic Church, firmly established during the Inquisition, had further enabled the clan to penetrate markets unreachable by any other banking institutions. The Giovanni controlled billions in assets. A word from the clan elders could plunge the world into a depression that would leave entire populations destitute.

That’s why they’re able to survive despite being a treacherous, incestuous gang of necromancing wannabe world conquerors who everyone hates.

Clan Giovanni’s financial power is emphasized a lot more than their necromancy in Blood War, to the point where when I first read this as a kid I thought the Giovanni’s thing was being a young nouveau riche clan that gained its power through finance and connections rather than clan prestige or whatever. In a way they’re that, but every other V:TM media seems to focus on their skills in necromancy and their depravity. Getting back into the franchise and learning all that was... It was a “huh” moment.

Giovanni necromancy being out of focus in this story likely has something to do with our main Giovanni POV character Madeleine’s skill set.

Madeleine was unique in the clan in that she possessed skills unrelated to either necromancy or high finance.

“She was so bad at both she lost a 50K bet that she could summon Beetlejuice.”

Fanatic in her devotion to family honor, she had devoted her entire existence to avenging her father. A century of intensive training and rigid discipline had turned her into a master of industrial espionage and corporate surveillance. She was the hidden dagger of the Giovanni empire.

Though she was responsible for many of the clan’s greatest triumphs, engineered through a combination of sabotage, blackmail, and assassination, Madeleine was virtually unknown outside the Mausoleum.

And that’s why none of you have ever heard of her until now.

(The wiki has nothing about her. There’s an entry for a Pietro Giovanni, but he’s a different character from the one here.)

The in-universe reason she’s unknown outside her grandpa’s house is because she kills anyone who sees her during a mission.

Yet despite her successes, Madeleine remained unfulfilled.

“The Beetlejuice incident still burns her to this day.”

Three times she had tried to penetrate the secret fortress of he ultimate quarry, Don Caravelli, and three times she failed.

A third kid on the playground would just say “I fucked your mom” whenever the first two tried to say anything.

The Mafia chief, controlling a criminal empire that equaled the Giovanni clan’s in wealth and power, lived in the most secure hideaway in the world. Caravelli knew Madeleine waited for him the moment he left Sicily and thus refused to travel. The Don was no coward, but he was also no fool.

Equal to the Giovannis in wealth and power, huh? Not bad for a mostly mortal organization that didn’t exist before the 19th century.

Before the chapter ends, Pietro finally introduces his granddaughter to her purpose in the story. It involves a certain detective.

“I have a special mission for you,” declared Pietro. He pushed a manila envelope across the desk to her. “Everything necessary for your trip is here. You are to leave for America immediately. In the city of St. Louis, I want you to locate a human named Dire McCann. Finding him should not be difficult, as the kine has ties to the local Prince.”

“And when I find him?” asked Madeleine. “What do you want me to do?”

In two words, Pietro told her.

So yeah. That’s the Giovanni. Incestuous necromancer mafia-but-not-really Italian vampires. What a weird fucking stereotype.

[fearofaherobrine]

Roleplay Server Log #164

“Gem kills Ej, Splender’s Splendid Dragon”

[Yaunfen] Runs over to Hera and squeaks-

[Herabrine] Does a double take - What on earth...? Hey Lj, did you lose a pet around here?

[LJ] - Not mine

[Herabrine] Kneels down- Hey little dragon, are you lost?

[Yaunfen] Looks at Doc and squeaks-

[TLOT] That dragon is Doc and Deerhearts... baby

[Herabrine] What the fuck?!?

[TLOT] Urgent mental whisper- Adopted!

[Yaunfen] Rolls onto it's back-

[Herabrine] Okay... -goes for the belly rub-

[Yaunfen] Trills-

[gem] -is checking on aqua and is standing in the kiddie pool with him-

[Aqua] Swims happy circles around Gem-

[Notch] I bet Aqua was the only one not affected...

[gem] I wasn't. I don't have lungs.

[Notch] That's... odd... Oh right, no air in space. Duh.

[CP] - One of us should probably check on BEN

[TLOT] Are you volunteering Cp? I kinda want to smack the shit out of him still.

[CP] - Oh fuck no

[Notch] I don't know him that well....

[Steve] Not it!

[gem] I could get one of my guardians too but they might be pissed because he tried to stab me

[CP] - Well you did grab him...

[TLOT] Dammit... I hope Splender comes back soon.

[gem] I was trying to get him to stop drowning tlot

[CP] - If your terrified of drowning and feel something pull you by the foot, what do you think you're going to feel?

[gem] I was keeping his head out of the water with my wings

[CP] - That doesn't help, not with his mentality

[EJ] Approaches- Hm, thought I heard BEN screeching...

[gem] you did.

[TLOT] Yeah, Gem tried to dunk him and he freaked out.

[EJ] - Why would you do that?  Stupid

[gem] did not I was just pulling him away from you

[TLOT] Sighs - Either way, I'm going to go check on him. Doc's in no shape to do it.

[EJ] Scoffs- Have fun finding him, once he's gotten wet he's near impossible to find

[TLOT] Doc killed him. He'll be at home, I doubt the last place he slept wasn't with Aven.

[EJ] - Eh, whatever, I'm going to see Jewel

[Steve] Did you leave Sally alone?

[EJ] - She's fine, she's napping, I'll be back before she wakes up

[TLOT] Steve, he may try to attack me. You stay here.

[Steve] Okay.

[gem] -makes sure aqua was out of the way then falls back to make a big splash in the kiddie pool drenching anyone nearby-

[EJ] Scowls under his mask as he gets splashed- HEY!  Fucking watch it!

[gem] -is giggling- whoops it looks like I got the dry people wet

[Notch] Gets splashed and leaps back with a small shriek at the cold water. - Shit!

[EJ] Growls- You fucking bitch!

[gem] -turns serious- what did you call me

[EJ] - A bitch!

[Notch] Creeps over to Cp and stands quietly near him.

[gem] -she stands up and her wings stretch out in an intimating nature as her mouth starts to open- I am no bitch

[CP] Gives Notch a questioning glance-

[EJ] - You think that's threatening?  Please, I see more horrific things on a near daily basis!

[Notch] Takes his shirt off and wrings it out. - His thoughts are plain. Cp's warm and he is cold.

[CP] - Oh for fucks sake...

[gem] you want to see threating -she takes off her bracelets as her mouth opens fully her eyes turn a mix of purple and red her and as the mist grows and touches the ground it seems to burn it like a laser- I will make you eat your words when you hit respawn.

[Steve] Ushers Stevie closer to Cp and quick walks over to Doc.

[Herabrine] Elbows Lj lightly, - someone got up on the wrong side of the bed.

[EJ] - That's still nothing bitch!

[LJ] Laughs- Oh this should be entertaining

[gem] -tackles ej using all her limbs to restrain him-

[EJ] Quickly slips his mask off and snaps at her with his teeth-

[gem] -is trying to get a hold of ej's skull in her mouth with out him biting her-

[EJ] Get's a grasp on her and digs his nails in as well-

[Steve] Gets near Deerheart and makes himself small against her side.

[Notch] Steps behind Cp, just in case.

[gem] -the laser mist starts to burn his hands as she tries harder to get his skull-

[EJ] Grunts in annoyance at the pain-

[gem] -uses her wings to fly up and do strange patters to try and make ej dizzy to try disorient him-

[EJ] Pulls himself closer and bites at anything he can-

[gem] -ej gems her shoulder which starts to bleed but she goes right for the head-

[EJ] Breath hitches as teeth scrape against him-

[gem] -the teeth are like needles but are strong and sturdy as they start to bore into his head as gem adds more and more pressure-

[EJ] Shouts out in surprised pain-

[CP] Makes sure Stevie is okay and decides to just ignore Notch-

[gem] -the pressure start to get harder are a crunch is heard the skull is breaking-

[EJ struggled toget out of Gem's grasp-

[Herabrine] Uh, considering that Doc is passed out, maybe don't go too far Gem? I mean it's something alltogether if you two just want to punch the shit out of eachother.

[gem] -snaps closed and a large chunk of ej's head is now in her mouth-

[Steve] Squeak of fear-

[Notch] Looks away and makes a faint hurking noise.

[Stevie] Whimpers and hides his face against CP-

[Herabrine] Man.... that's gotta hurt.

[gem] -lets go of ej and the chuck of head to let them sink into the ocean-

[EJ] Collapses before hitting respswn-

[gem] -gets he blood off her as her mouth closes then puts back on her bracelets as she returns to normal-

[Herabrine] Enjoy your temper-tantrum? You must not spend much time around creepypastas if you react like that to a little name-calling. Most of them give out insults like Sweet Alex does hugs.

[gem] aven and ben are the only ones I do often and they don't do that. -flies back down-

[Herabrine] Yeah cause they're usually too busy loving on each other and playing with the baby to start shit.

[gem] very true but aven never resorted to that.

[Herabrine] Avens only half creepypasta and she never lived in the manor with the Slenders either.

[gem] true but the ben that is in her did.

[CP] - But not the same group of pasta's ours did idiot

[gem] no duh cp but they are still a slender

[CP] - But not the same one!

[Herabrine] Don't pick a fight with old sourpuss too, he'll have a touchie in his bonnet for days

[CP] Flips Hera off-

[Herabrine] Ppppppppth!

[CP] - I'm sure Lie would become very worried about who you seem to be hanging out with...

[Herabrine] Who? Me? Why I'm being helpful.

[CP] - But she doesn't know that

[Herabrine] Oh, you gonna go tattle on me Cp? Try to get rid of your wife's friend? That's super low.

[CP] - I'm not saying that at all, in fact I'm doing you a favor by not telling her.  She saw all the dead children and I've felt her emotions towards LJ, she would become worried sick about you what with you hanging out with him

[Herabrine] She forgave all the people you murdered, why would this be different? He was under the same compulsion to maim and kill as you were, and for much longer too.

[CP] - It's her nature to worry

[Herabrine] Don't be a weenie, he's been nothing but polite to me, almost old-fashioned really. You should see how much we've gotten done fixing the old circus up. Lie can forgive. And if she can't... -smiles slyly - then there's even less of a chance she'd ever want to move into Slenders house where her and I can't hang out together anymore.

[CP] Is just glaring-

[Herabrine] Looks quite pleased with herself.

[Stevie] Tugs on CP's pants- Brother, I don't wanna go back in the water...  That hurt...

[Notch] It hurt because of what BEN did.

[Stevie] - But it really really hurt!

[Notch] It hurt me too, everyone here felt it.

[Endrea] Isn't sure what to do with the babies at the moment, they're all crying in pain from having water inside them until she gets an idea.  She shifts to her human form and pulls out Ashe's healing pills-

[Stevie] In a small voice- Can we go work on the blanket fort now?

[Notch] Yes, we can.

[Stevie] Takes Notch's hand-

[Notch] Starts walking back to Lie's house.

[Steve] Is still snuggled against Deerheart - well that was harrowing....

[Deer] - Indeed...  Is Yaunfen okay?  You're closer to hir than I am

[Steve] Seems a bit agitated since Doc is passed out, but that's all.

[Deer] - Good

[TLOT] Knocks on the treehouse door - BEN? Are you in there?

[BEN] Whimpers and crawls under the bed-

[TLOT] Hear the whimper and comes in quietly. - I'm not mad, I just want to talk.

[BEN] Growls at TLOT-

[TLOT] Gem grabbed you because you were hurting me, and specifically because you hurt the little ones. The baby dragons can't handle any kind of water, it burns them.

[BEN] - I was going to drown!

[TLOT] Do you really think I would let that happen?

[BEN] - Whines

[TLOT] I was just going to clean you up and let you out. Honest.

[BEN] - No water

[TLOT] sighs- fine. lava only for you. But the baby still needs to be washed. BEN... it's already clear Hyrule is going to be a swimmer. You can't hold him back just because you have a phobia.

[BEN] - Watch me

[TLOT] You'll confuse him. Make him sad. Do you really want that?

[BEN] - I won't let him drown

[TLOT] He won't, he'll be fine. I'm sure Herabrine would be willing to watch over him from below if you asked her nicely.

[BEN] Growls-

[TLOT] Look, I'm not gonna fight you over this now, it's pointless. Because he's still a baby, but before you know it, you'll have to let him be a kid. I'm sorry, but that's how it is.

[BEN] - He'll have a childhood...  But no water

[TLOT] Shakes his head sadly - we'll see...

[BEN] Hisses-

[TLOT] I'm sorry as well BEN, I thought you trusted me not to hurt you.

[BEN] - It's just too painful...

[TLOT] What is... trusting people? Or being wet?

[BEN] - Drowning...

[TLOT] Oh... I know. It hurts terribly when you try to do it to me.  Ironic that you inflict your own worst fear on other people.

[BEN] - I don't care...

[TLOT] I suspected as much. Doc seems to be much better at making friends then I am.

[BEN] His thoughts are circling through his moments before dying and the pain again-

[TLOT] Decides to inturrupt BENs thoughts by giving him one of his own memories. It's him looking down on Hyrules happy face as he splashes around in his shallow bath.

[BEN] His breath hitches as a slight panic reaches him.  He scrambles out from under the bed to check on Hyrule-

[TLOT] Doesn't get in his way.

[BEN] Carefully cradles his sleeping child, making sure he's safe-

[TLOT] He's happy and safe. I wasn't trying to panic you. It's just the most recent memory I have of him being content.

[BEN] - But there's water...  And...  And...  He could drown...

[TLOT] The world is full of dangers, are you going to keep him in a little box so he'll never get hurt? He'd grow to hate you for it.

[BEN] - I will teach him how to fight and defend...  But just, no water-  BEN's voice is almost pleading

[TLOT] Of course you'll teach him, that's a given. But you have to let him have the water if he wants it. Don't give your fears to an innocent child. There are enough things to be afraid of as it is.

[BEN] - I...  I just can't...

[TLOT] You might feel differently later. Just let it be for now.

[BEN] Gently puts Hyrule back in his crib-

[TLOT] quietly- I'm always around if you need to talk.

[BEN] - I just...  The memories won't stop...

[TLOT] I'd wipe them for you if I could, but it would wipe everything else as well. You'd have no memories at all. I don't have the power to do it selectively. You just have to block them out with something better.

[BEN] Spawns his actual game cartridge- If it weren't for this cartridge...  I'd be dead...  Like dead dead....  But I also wouldn't relive the memory of drowning everytime I see water...

[TLOT] Sometimes the terrible things that happen to us make us who we are. Aren't you happy at least for Aven's love? And that she's given you a beautiful, healthy son? You're the first of the creepypastas to concieve a child too. How special is that? None of that could have come to pass without your game.

[BEN] - I know all that...  But it's still hard not to think about all the what if's...

[TLOT] The only what if, would be if you had simply died, surely that's not what you wanted, is it?

[BEN] - Not now at least

[TLOT] Then just focus on the now, as much as you can. I'm not sure what else to tell you. Apart from this... I've had some terrible things happen to me as well, and Steve's love makes them fade with every passing day. I can't be sad with so much happiness so close to hand. And I think when Hyrule is up and around, laughing and playing, it will be much the same.

[BEN] Sighs heavily and bows his head-

[TLOT] Is there anything I can do for you BEN?

[BEN] - Just...  No water...  Please

[TLOT] How about a cake? That's nice and dry. - Offers him a rather normal Minecraft cake.

[BEN] Looks at it with some confusion- A...  Cake?

[TLOT] Yeah, why not? - He plunks it down on a table. - I'm a self-indulgent brine. I usually have sweets in my inventory.

[BEN] - O...kay?

[TLOT] For what it's worth, I was only trying to help you face your fears today. No hard feelings, okay?

[BEN] - Whatever...-  He's still a bit shaky

[TLOT] You know... I feel nearly the same way about the Nether that you do about water. I get lost in the memories of... when I was tortured... trapped there... I can't go there without locking up. My powers malfunction and literally root my feet to the ground. I do understand.

[BEN] - Then why would you put me through it if you know the feeling?

[TLOT] Because I'll have to face my fears someday too. A brine who can't face the Nether? Cp gives me hell about it sometimes, I know he doesn't respect me. Probably the other brines would feel the same if they knew.

[BEN] - Has he literally tried pinning your head to a wall with his weapons?  Or does he mostly just yell at you?

[TLOT] He tried to fight me once, I beat him quite easily. Mostly he just insults me any rude way he can think of.

[BEN] - Then you have more of his respect than you realize

[TLOT] Even though it's obvious my relationship with Steve disgusts him?

[BEN] - It's not so much that, it's just the Offender made all of us very jumpy and wary about anything to do with butts...  But it also made good battle tactic, never turn your back until you know they're dead

[TLOT] Ah, it makes me kinda sad that that was ruined so throughly for you guys. Love is love. It doesn't have to be a hurtful thing.

[BEN] - Yeah no, not letting anything happen to my butt

[TLOT] Not offering. I'm faithful to my mate. But I'm always handy for information if people want it.

[BEN] Hisses a little-

[TLOT] What? It's the one thing I'm really good at. Can you blame me for liking to talk shop? It's like asking Doc about surgery techniques.

[BEN] - I've heard EJ's...  As he was working on me

[TLOT] Yeah... I've heard he didn't offer you guys much in the way of anesthetics. Harsh.

[BEN] - Only because they don't work on us

[TLOT] Oh. That sucks. Well at least, things are easier here and Doc's potions don't taste bad. I can't understand why Cp's taste like cat piss. They're using the same stuff.

[BEN] - I prefer my chu jelly

[TLOT] Chu? What's it made out of?

[BEN] - Chu's...

[TLOT] Do I even want to know what a chu is?

[BEN] - A gelatinous living worm, different colors do different things

[TLOT] Makes a face. - Yeah, no. That's gross. I think I'll stick to using lava.

[BEN] Shrugs- Or we use fairies

[TLOT] You squish fairies into jelly?!

[BEN] - Nope, keep them in bottles, if I lose all my hearts they'll revive me

[TLOT] Sucks for them, but useful enough. Wait... then why did you die when your food bar ran out that one time? Do you have to have them out or something?

[BEN] - Er, well, food isn't exactly a thing in my game...  So I don't think the fairies realized what was happening...

[TLOT] You can't eat? Ah, well... I guess it's not a survival game. I presume you don't sleep either?

[BEN] - Nope

[TLOT] Maybe you should give Hyrule one of your fairies. He has an inventory you know. It's only two slots but it's there.

[BEN] - One of the healing ones?

[TLOT] Sure. Why not? It would be one less thing for you to fret about.

[BEN] Considers it-

-There is a tearing sound as an opening is made over by the bar and Splender stumbles through holding something close to his chest-

[Herabrine] Hey it's Splendy! Whatcha got there?

[Splender] - A baby!- He's holding what looks like a poofed up ball of feathers

[LJ] - Splendy, we've had this conversation before, you cannot keep babies that you find

[Herabrine] What's with all the babies lately?

[Steve] That looks like a bird.

[Splender] Shuts the opening behind him and comes closer- It's not human this time though!

[gem] what kind of creature is it?

[Steve] I would hope not with all the feathers.

-From the bundle of feathers a little v shaped head pokes out and squeaks.  It's scales are pink and there's a rainbow of other colors amongst the feathers-

[Steve] Aww. It's so cute!

[Herabrine] What's the catch?

[gem] -flies up closer- it's super cute.

Lie

[Splender] - It's the cutest thing ever!

[Herabrine] Flies up to get a good look but doesn't try to touch it. - They have griefer eyes... I've seen that look before.

[Splender] - What do you mean?  It's too adorable to be mean!

[Herabrine] I'm reserving judgment. I could say the same thing about you, but I've seen the pastas shudder thinking about you being actually angry.

[Splender] Makes a sad expression-

[Endrea] Leans over to sniff at the baby-

[Herabrine] Hey, it's okay. Everybody loses their tempers sometimes. Freaking Gem just bit Ej's head off for calling her a rude name. I sure as hell didn't see that coming at all.

[Splender] - WHAT!?  Oh dear oh dear oh dear- Isn't sure what to do now

[Steve] He went through respawn... Normally Doc would be the one to go check on him, but they're kinda out cold.

[SPlender] - I NEED TO GO CHECK ON HIM!  BUT BABY!

[Steve] I can have my hubby go do it, he was headed back this way anyhow, I can feel him out near Lie's horse pen.

[Splender] Makes whining noise-

[Deer] Nudges Doc some more- Come on love, time to wake up

[Doc] Mumbles and lets out a small whine - I'm still stiff...

[Deer] - Nothing a massage later wont fix, but perhaps you'd like to meet the newest arrival first?

[Doc] Arrival? You let someone in? - Opens hir eyes. - Wha?

[Deer] - Splender came back, and I think their egg hatched

[Deer] - Should I get CP to give you a charge?

[Doc] Woo! That's great...! - Hir head shoots up a bit too fast and xe wobbles dizzily for a moment.

[Doc] That would be nice....

[Deer] - Looks over at CP- CP...  Would you be so kind as to shock Doc?

[CP] - Why?

[Deer] - Please?

[CP] Grumbles- Fine- He gathers his own charge an launches a ball of lightning at Doc

[Doc] Turns in time to take it in the mouth and shivers as xe swallows it. There's a moment of silence and then Doc is up and nearly vibrating in place. - THATSTHESHITTHANKSCP

[CP] - Fuck you Doc

[Doc] Rears onto hir stubby back legs and leans way over to smootch Cp on the top of his head before thumping back down -

[CP] Flips Doc off-

-The rainbow ball of feathers hisses at Endrea-

[Endrea] Snorts in amusement-

[Doc] Checks on Deerheart and Yaunfen-

[gem] -flies around doing tricks-

[Yaunfen] Is rolling around in the grass-

[Steve] Is watching Gem -

[Doc] Hey Splender, did you see my egg hatched too? This is Yaunfen.

[gem] -flies around steve-

[Splender] - It's made of candy!

[Doc] It's the one from the candy-themed seed. I think it's a kind of camoflage.

[Splender] Holds his out for Doc to see better- Mines all rainbowish like the egg!

[Steve] Did you see Gems little Aqua, Splender? I can't remember.

[Doc] Aww, such pretty plumage!

[Splender] - No, I don't think so- He looks in the little pool-

-The little dragon growls at Doc-

[Steve] It's the one from the seed with all the ender-mermaids

[Splender] - It's so cool!

[gem] -flies over the pond and boops aqua's nose as she passes-

[Aqua] Trills-

[Doc] I think this one is gonna be extra sassy Splender. You gotta tell me though, did your brothers see it after it hatched? Or did you come straight here? I can only imagine Slenders face, or lack thereof.

[Splender] - It hatched while I was helping brother make dinner, so of course he saw it!

[Doc] Oh dear! - chuckles-

[Steve] Splender wanted to check on Ej....

[Doc] sighs- should I go get him?

[Splender] - Oh no!  I can go to him, I jut need to know where he is and what to do with the baby

[Doc] He's wherever he slept last, which means one of two or three rooms in the castle. Your trunks are hard to reach so he's been staying with me while you were out.

[Splender] - Oh...  I forgot about that...

[Steve] I wonder if it likes void energy? Yaunfen got all antsy and didn't want anything to do with it.

[Steve] shyly -  I gave Ej some recipies to help with his new diet.

[Endrea] - I can offer- She opens her mouth and lets a slow trickle out

-The baby hisses and growls at it at first before batting at it with a paw which had been tucked under a wing and licking it off it's paw-

[Splender] - Oh good, and how's he doing with that?

[Steve] He told me to go fuck myself, but I understand... He's just mad.

[Doc] I gave him plenty of copied organs. I want to help him cook, but he's still furious at me too.

[LJ] - Ah, EJ's always mad if others touch his food

[Herabrine] Picky picky, like trying to feed anything to Cp. It's near impossible....

[CP] - Hey!

[Doc] How many times have I glitched food into you because you wouldn't eat?

[CP] - You shut the fuck up

[Doc] Makes a playful pouty face at him.

[CP] Scowls-

[Splender] Loks at the baby- OH NO!  I FORGOT TO NAME HIM!

[gem] -giggles at cp's antics as she passes him in the air-

[Steve] Is it a boy? It's hard to tell when they're small.

[Splender] - Ummm, I'm not sure...  I don't know how to tell...

[Doc] Then go for something that will be okay either way.

[Splender] - Ummmm...

[CP] - And so the wait begins...

[LJ] Snickers-

[Doc] It's okay to take your time on important decisions.

[CP] - He may be at this for several weeks Doc

[Doc] Oh.... I'll just... go fetch Ej then... Deerheart can you watch Yaunfen for a moment? Ej might attack me, and I want them to be safe.

[gem] -remembers she has balloons and puts one in the kiddie pool to see how aqua will react-

[Aqua] Swims around it at first before cautiously poking it-

[Steve] If they pop it, it will be a big suprise....

[Deer] - Of course love

[Doc] scampers down the road - be right back!

[Splender] Sits down to think of a name-

[Doc] Comes running back with Ej, holding him by his hoodie like the scruff of a kitten. Xe drops him in front of Splender and thumps hir tail on the ground like an excited dog to try and make him laugh.

[Splender] Rocks backwards with laughter briefly before becoming serious and starts checking EJ over- Honestly EJ, why did you go and start another fight?

[Herabrine] I think it was one of those things where both parties were equally at fault....

[Doc] Goes back over to sit by hir mate and baby again, hir chest stuck out proudly.

-The baby in Splender's hands suddenly bites him, hard-

[Splender] - OW!

[Doc] Whoah! Do they have teeth already?

[Splender] - Maybe?

[gem] tough baby

[Endrea] - Ender dragons normally don't have teeth at all...

[Doc] Can I see Splender? The wound that is?

[Splender] - Oh, sure- He holds his hand out and there are two distinct little puncture wounds

[Doc] Fangs? That's different... Splender? Do you feel okay? I hope they aren't venomous

[Splender] - I feel fine!  THen again, poisons and such have no real affect n us slender beings...

[Herabrine] Sounds like a very good thing if they're so quick to bite

[EJ] - If it's venomous you should be able to tell by opening it's mouth, that's what usually gets animals to release their venom

[Doc] I know Zeke knows how to milk a venomous snake. We had a very interesting discussion about reptiles the other day. It might be worth a shot to try later on

-The baby dragon hisses again-

[Herabrine] Coos at it- that's right! You're tough as nails aren't you?

-It extends it's neck in an attempt to strike Hera-

[Herabrine] Floats back a bit to stay out of reach- little bad-ass floof

[Doc] It took the void energy so chances are good they have the water allergy too. Make sure and keep them away from liquids just in case

[Splender] - Awww, so no splashy bath times?

[Doc] not until we're sure, unless. Endrea? Is there any way to test for the allergy without hurting the baby?

[Endrea] - Shakes her head- No, not really

[Doc] Damn, so dry it is. It's okay, it's normal for minecraft dragons, I guess because they'd be too Op otherwise. as far as I know only Gk, Aqua and Yaunfen don't have it. And I'm not counting me and Deerheart since we're technically artificial

[CP] - Oi, am I still needed here or no?  Because I still have a fuck ton of paperwork to do...

[Steve] Stifles a snicker-

[CP] Glares at Steve-

[Doc] Ah you're always needed Cp, we like having you around

[CP] Growls-

[Doc] Ah and Splender, Ej is just fine as well, no need to worry. The respawn here is as flawless as the server itself. - gives Deerheart a little kiss

[Splender] - Good, brother is almost completely well again so soon he and Sally should be able to go home

[Doc] Suddenly wilts a bit- annnnd I'm toast.

[gem] -flies past doc- no your a dragon

[Doc] I'm going to be dragon toast then...

[Deer]  Nuzzles Doc- You'll be fine

[Doc] The thought of facing him again makes me want to go hide near the bedrock layer.

[Deer] - Shhh, don't worry, CP is on our side

[CP] Just starts walking off-

[Herabrine] Hey Lj? Think we should get back to work?

[LJ] - ALright, this has been entertaining though

[Herabrine] Hell yeah. Good luck with the baby Splender.

[Splender] - It's so cute!

[LJ] Starts heading back to the circus-

[Herabrine] Floats along behind him-

[gem] -gets aqua back in the bucket before changing back into her dress- I should head back home.

[Doc] Yeah, it's gonna be dark soon anyway, I'm not in the mood for mob nonsense.

[Deer] - You know I'll keep them at bay love

[Steve] Mind if I tag along with you Doc? For safety reasons?

[Endrea] Gathers her children to take home-

[Doc] Of couse Steve. And I know my love- butts up against her with a purr. - Coming Splender?

[Splender] - Sure- He holds the baby dragon close to himself

[gem] -flies low back to her house-

[glopratchet]

001

Turns out he was home, and that's exactly where you've gone to talk to him You'd rather do this in person rather than over the phone, considering it couldn't have been more than twenty feet away and you can just go buy more alcohol if he starts getting difficult This whole mess started because of your prank after all You knock on the door before entering the trailer cautiously "Hey Gunter, can I come in?" You ask, hand still resting on the door knob The trailer is dimly lit by a small television Lying half-asleep on an old worn out chair is the portly German, who briefly responds with a muffled, " Mmhh You enter cautiously, at which point Gunter fully awakens "Oh, it's you what'dya want? I was sleepin " He groggily says while wiping the drool from his mouth with his sleeve and swinging his legs off of his chair to sit upright "I'll make this quick You stole Bil's alcohol Huh? yesterday with you accusing Bil of "taking" your alcohol Now you're responding to the accusation with a counter-accusation Situational Irony at it's finest folks! "Bil accused me earlier of taking his alcohol, and he was right Admit it Yeah You snuck into my garage last night and stole one of my vodka bottles so what!" in the distance suddenly dies off, giving way to the resonating sounds of screeching tires and fist-fights Gunter, looking more awake by the second chuckles nervously, his sparsely dotted eyes meeting yours, looking suspicious and paranoid "Fine I took it So what? I had a right!" "Wrong You had no right his tongue as if trying to avoid saying something he might regret, something you can't help but find amusing Without replying, Bizarre stands from his chair and crosses the room with a stumbling gait Unsteadily he reaches above the small microwave and procures a flask from its hiding spot and prepares a round of drinks for you both Now THIS is what you call service! You accept the drink, bottoms up! Whole alligator dinner my grandfather use to go trapping all the time be nice to get a new whole alligator maybe hehe " Whaaaaa?" Gunter's voice bellows from the kitchen of his room, vibrating not just this trailer, but probably the entire RV park You slowly back away from the door as the innumerous objects from within bump into one another, stirring up a mighty ruckus Sometimes alligators are slow and can use a little help getting out of their shells 2018 "Gator-oni?!" Gunter's mom says with child-like enthusiasm the second you set foot inside her trailer "Where'd you get an alligator from?" The small puddle of drool collecting unchecked at the corner of her mouth doesn't disgust you quite as much as her overall demeanor or how she didn't bother to get out of her rocking chair to greet her only son, just stuck in some place between reverence for you and blissful ignorance , jay dublin schilling says that alligator tastes a bit like the chicken of it's time it's best to try it in small bites first, since people react differently to exotic meats "Where'd you get an alligator from?" Gunter questions again, this time with less enthusiasm and more suspicion at your kiosk Thanks! Wholes all around! Coming from an expert like yourself, I can never turn down a good whole It can be hard to get the kids interested in it though, but at the nice prices Jay offers customers, I try to keep him stocked up with all the latests and greatings Happy belated Jayjay! "From Jay," ? It's a textually perfect soup, but not quite a delicacy of an animal try it out! What's your background? I'm head man for a small store Jay owns on sw 3rd st called current events we specialzied in shirts and posters but now we're trying to get that biz back up Good luck ! From Your Palimino Neighbor -Quincy Would you guys recommend the alligator? Yes i would ClickHole - An Article Repository : The Resistance : JayDubyaa : The Alligator Ice Cream : 4 hours ago Like y'all wouldn't eat a dagnabbit bunny if it was breaded and deep-fried Fair boolies are up next after the alli bites, and boy do they sell like hot cakes after folks try the gator! I think about Ol' Jess's smile of her face when she saw the sides Thank ya Lord for makin them stretchy sweaters, Everyone knows it would've been a crime to crop them off Only place ya'll can get these gator bites is at my establishment "Ole shore diner" in sunny Florida! That's right its been shipped all the way up from the swamps of Ellis! Only the finest or is that fishedest for you guys! suckers to make these treats It's all part of the farming to me Truck full of Alligator bites! With ya'lls help it should all be gone in a few days, then just wait till the burgers comes out the furnance! Just think outside the bun and your good to go!Would you guys recommend the alligator? so it ain't chicken! So your saying it tastes like chicken? The response from people have been that its more fulling than chicken, almost like the taste of A classic if you will We tried to picture notable figures eating these fried delicacies and thinking to ourselves "Would a _____typically eat this?" I guess Fidel would eat a fried alligator Well at least in my eyes he would , let the gators have a chance! Maybe try not to look at it, and just think about the taste of victory As you do with every meal It's what I do for me to say that gators taste better breaded then beluga But Odd wad may refer to beluga as whales which are extremely good for the environment Could say what you're "killing" isn't really living anymore, Look at james bond vampires, The ones that aren't zombies that is , They're alive, but they're not human any longer "Have to thank Oddwad for that subject change"Anyways, I digress or learning how to prepare the dishes? I just like eating them what can I say, I AM THE ONLY ONE THAT APPROVES OF ME WELL MAYBE A specifically a Goon Thank you for caring though Ive been doing this since before Jesus was born! Today the gospel according to Matt Was edited a little bit by Ol' Steve himself Hindsight is always 20/20 isn't it Goons! or about the new item manipulation commands? Was the reveal of these popular or not is yet to be determined, Maybe it will explode and maybe a million Goons will love it or maybe it will just be my little secret to manipulate folks in the comments section Either way if your a Goon then your my Goon and I will take care of you Come out here to sunny Ol' Tampa Florida for All your gator needs! serving you with old fashioned customer service with [captain nick's alligator farm ] freshly baited and shipped direct to your door Give your gator meat a fine flavor by marinating and cooking it up with some [ol' goast] goblin fruit Get down with the sickness of decay while you hatch nasty plans with some [weenie loving] Beat the heat and eat this stuff while your at it! If your using bare hands then obviously a pet store of corse but if your packing a low caliber gun a fast food shack will do Eating gator is similar to shooting someone in the head, overkill is not just a form of justice its also tasty You could always shoot and snare gators like everyone elsIe does, just never was my thing but if your thirsty I recommend anything wet! [the boogoti basics of alligator dinner delivery] ! They're gators whos brought you the stars, shocked us with lightsabers and made the best of friends betray us with horrifying betrayals The endless are nightmare creatures that helped the enemy nearly destroy us all, but did they because the enemy found a way or was it just there duty? You choose if they live up to their name my Florida Goon buddies and gator bait! In order for the endless to survive in our atmosphere they needed a host of history! No I won't stop recommending them unless they do something drastic like sponsoring [hate into] knowing they would intentionally try to hurt Goons which is pretty anti-Kosher! Was it the DE that tried to kill us all? Was it an angry human? Was it Mother Nature putting us back in our place (yeah right!) Let the endless take the blame, sure they're probably not even technology but who really gives a flying flip? ! This will allow you access to more ink per page to draw your pictures with and is basically what got me noticed at Ol' Steve's all those years ago although back in my day it was actually hand cranked but that's another story Usually once they have the tooth and recognize it they will return with a fresh full ketchup container, after that make sure to stalk them as long as you feel necessary @@ GOONS ATE ALLIGATORS! Shoot the biggest gator you can on your hunt! Isn't bigger just better? tooth while hunting! Did you find a miniature tooth or an oversized one? Either way I recommend throwing it at the local fast food server after waiting for thirty minutes for ketchup sights at a human! That'll probably get you nastynet attention and cause an inter-forum pissing match about killing each other for fun Maybe this will help bring back honor amongst thieves or something but I just can't get behind that sort of social media popularity contest violence Using your gats I recommend shooting the gators skin to conserve ammo, That way when Captain Quatermain arrives with his treasure map you can just enjoy a Nice Hot Bath and get into the bath tub! Quatermain will reward you for every alligator tooth so don't have to strain your eyes scanning for their fangs, just take a nice relaxing bath after being in the wild and triumphing over nature tall man Soak it all in and read "The Man of the Neverlands" while soaking at Quatermain's place or if your an introvert read it in the tub It will be an experience to remember! to take with you! 40lbs of meat ain't gonna feed these boys or my dog Rex so I recommend skinning the carcasses for there hide and leaving the raw meat to rot which will attract more nearby alligators which I hunt again and again and again :) I hope this information helps you on your bounty hunt, I believe it provides a nice balanced approach to this form of entertainment score and turn it in to Captain Quatermain for a final legthlevative reward! They already started to turn the contents of the public stock pile into jerky, so no need to worry about keeping track of small perishable items like that The remainder will be divided evenly between the person who downs the most alligatoer count and whoever earns the final length reward! count and final reward RE: Miami : The hunt begins - Zalmora - 12-09-2017 05:01 PM Ideas sure, but thes ain't ideas MA! RE: Miami : The hunt begins - Boss 302 - 12-12-2017 09:30 PM (12-09-2017 05:01 PM) Zalmora Wrote: Ideas sure, but thes ain't ideas MA! service! 100lbs of meat just for turning in the kill count and lair location of the hunt that's one idea :) RE: Miami : The hunt begins - Zalmora - 12-12-2017 10:31 PM (12-12-2017 09:30 PM) Boss 302 Wrote: Odd wad alligator dinner delovery service! got an eatery in mind? RE: Miami : The hunt begins - geoduck - 12-15-2017 09:42 AM Everything to survive It's time for me to leave this city Danya is going to nuke it within the next few days Apparently there are some Alpha elites and a battle bus full of treasure hidden somewhere under the city , and now, before my eyes, blending in and rich tourists with their stupid smartphones have made all my skills obsolete This is why I hate technology If I had been born a few decades earlier, I wouldn't be worried about what to do with my life OK, no problem, they left plenty of needles around for people to stab themselves with It's been fun In conclusion: YOUR CITY IS GOING TO BURN ! Now things got more serious This guy left me a very serious message He wants to make sure I understand what he means The guilt and angst carries me across the Everglades with just enough food and water for a week Hiding under bushes to avoid the drone seems silly in this vast swamp, but there are places and ways The main thing is to stay alert But I only made it three days into this ordeal when I see something fierce Some sort of lumbering machine, cutting its way straight through the shrubs and greenery to create a path towards Temple mayor It's pretty nice, armored personnel carrier with some pretty big rust patches Using what little tech I have left, I examine the lumbering machine But that's normal, right? Otherwise it hasn't been used for seventy years! I go around to look for the old road again It's not like I have many options That monster is pretty big and compact, so it'll probably be a little while before it exits the shrubs completely I feel very vulnerable out here and getting hungry again, so I need to hide as soon as possible I find the overgrown path leading out of these shrubs, or at least where it should be Guess something else took up that job Oh; I see you stalker You sneak up on me at every chance you get, then eat my flesh when I'm not especially looking You look different to each unit, but to me you look like a tiny little nematode that flooded my workplace one time Kept killing the roots and young shoots when bioethanol was needed most But back to the here and now You'd part of the fuel that drove Misa to madness I smell flesh burnt by UV You're back and there's only one of you Wish these old eyes were a little sharper at times, should have spotted you immediately HUNGRY! RE: Miami : The hunt begins - Hopecrusher - 12-15-2017 10:25 AM Not good Your overview paint scheme is a dead giveaway after all Still managed to surprise me and that's not easy Hey wait, OWT does some of our hiring ever thought about working in security? Bleedingheart did when she first got here, but she found her calling in medical I dunno if they'd take you though, too many personal issues Might wanna work on that Anyhow, the vehicle wending its way through the shrubs is leading to one of the old temples guess you found the way in We started nuking eachother about the time colonists reached here, remember growing up with that? Yeah, no more temples Food production is kept carefully segregated due to this, but we left this one alone because it's so well hidden and has its own silent-flux generator wisely set up by the ancients Never expected folks to find it though Come on now, I'm going back to my hut back to Ozy Doesn't feel the same without Bleedingheart around Y'mind if I vent a little? Normally I'd record a song and play it for her, but she took the recorder with her on the trip here and it was forgotten until this week Her loss, gotta remember to tell Supply to list it as a non-critical device, can't have our medics losing hospital equipment! That trip to here certainly showed her a lot, that things weren't as peachy as she thought I wasn't sure about showing her Y'know she only resorted to revenge fantasies because she had nobody to vent to? Nobody to help process things, like when we were yanking arms off gangers or executing people for sport Really hate thissense of loss right now I'm going on Wonder if this was part of the reason Tom wanted isolation Guess happenings like these are good lessons, but I dunno, we should be absolutely sure next time Now I'm feeling guilty too Not that his plan worked Hey, let me play something for ya RE: Miami : The hunt begins - Green Eye - 12-15-2017 10:39 AM That hallway had to lead somewhere important Not like someone would just build a dead end in a hideout Like a secret panel! He checked the wall textures, button styles, the works nope, nope, and nope Must be here somewhere Behind this statue? Nope In the torch? ! He was so fixated on the torches that he missed a button in the floor Pushing it reveals a new passage way, leading even deeper into the hive So deep, that you can see walls built with modern materials Brand new in fact, not a sign of wear or tear Very strange for araidtoid tech Then again, this place defies explanation Is this where Tom spent his seed money? You press onward, ready for whatever lies beyond Hey! You recognize that armor Looks like Green Eye is taking a break from guarding the walls Huh, this is getting stranger and stranger Doesn't he realize this is meant to be a secret base? Oh wait, you're wearing stealth armor "Hey Green Eye, got any sal-- Oof!" You run into him before you can finish your sentence "Watch it, fool! Oh, hey you? What're you doing here?"