#i just really need a mental health break. im dealing with way too much stuff and i need a preplanned proper break

[be-good-to-bugs]

i NEED to take a break from work

[404theepilogue]

Im not sure really what to do or say but i want to just verbalise it and ask for help.

Im very scared right now. My physical health has never been worse, my mental health is dangerously unstable, and my work situation is bleak.

I told you that i missed work on monday, well it’s because i had slept in (or rather, passed out from exhaustion) because of the fact while my frequent insomnia and health stuff makes it difficult to sleep, the stress has been so high recently i cannot even fully sleep, like i will be half aware the whole time like im going to be attacked. My anxiety regarding work has mounted to unmanageable levels as every day and night is spent worrying about if im going to be well enough to work and if i will have a mishap like monday.

Work has issued me a first written warning as a code of conduct breach as i missed work on Monday. This understandably is deeply upsetting and disappointing to me, Kay was extremely apologetic but unfortunately its out of her hands as HR deals with the conduct policy, shes really one of the few people i think that actively supports me at work (excluding emma of course). However if another instance of any form of lateness occurs within the next 6 months this will escalate the disciplinary warning.

I spent quite a lot of my shift yesterday in tears because it feels like im a crushing disappointment to not be able to cope with life.

Ive been reflecting a lot recently because of how ill and stressed ive felt constantly and mentally speaking i dont want this anymore i dont want to scrape through while my health degrades further, i want to get better i want to be able to regain control of my life and recover. This is a notable change as you know i usually am a cynical person and will try and look for a way out rather than a solution.

All this to say really that im not sure where to go right now in life, it feels like i am making the choice between healing or pushing on to my detriment.

Of course the problem arises that, we live in a capitalist society and constant money is required to be able to live, im just unsure of how to reach a compromise where im not literally running my life into a situation i cannot get out of. This is not some random laziness i hate that i have to say this at all, i wish i could push on and let you retire and me make the money because you deserve a break more than me, but my body just cannot comply with what im pushing it to do and its shutting down.

I know i need to focus on healing properly, not just run myself into a burnout- take 2 months off work, push through again and rinse repeat, because the last few years have shown that just doesnt work.

Im too tired to fight or even knlw what is best for work, they have accommodated so much and the expectations from them are that i will eventually get back to doing my full role, from the office, with the phone etc. and its going to be pushed by rachel, kay has been pushing back deadlines and things that would ultimately be impossible for me but she can only do so much and who knlws what will happen.

Im so tired of feeling so bad i want to die, im so tired of being constantly in fight or flight no matter what i do. And im so tired of looking at myself in tge mirror and seeing the toll these have taken on me, my skins getting worse and i know it’s exacerbated by stress, because thats what triggered the first really really bad outbreak back when it was on my feet.

Idk, i just needed to say this and let you know about the whole work thing. Im sorry if this sounds like whining, i really dont mean to i just really needed to say what has been going through my mind the past few years

And i still was fired.

[am3ricanj3sus]

5/3

no song of the day today. i didnt feel to connected to any songs today and it didnt feel right to put one. anywyas though. im wirting on my laptop today. it feels weird. i feel weird. maybe its just how life has been going. a issue that ive been having most of my life pop up again and im tired of dealing with it.

basically i was life long friends with this girl and yk we had our ups and downs (a whole lotta downs) but we alwyas got on with it. well she got on with it. she would randomly get mad at everthing, blame me for it in someway and i became the problem. it happened mutiple times and i grew sick of it but i really didnt care. maybe i sound cocky but ik that at the end she would come back. she always did.

but like 8 months ago. she started seeing this guy. and it escalated quick. she like asked us his name and who he was then a week later she tells us "oh my boyfriend dropped me off after we got food" so ofc we're like boyfriend? okay... and we didnt bring it up. the thing is, our friend group didnt like the guy she started seeing. he was rude to our friends and has done someover all shady stuff. so we just warned her and wow suprise she didnt listen and got with him. then she got all offended when we didnt comment on the fact her bf brought her home. so we gave her a small "yay bf!" but yk we told her we dont like him so we really didnt want to talk about him. and thats what fucking set a wire off in her dumbass brain. she was going on about how we never support her, which was the craziest lie ever because we all supported her and her other crazy ass ex bf and all the dumb stuff she does. and we were like "hey we can be friends still, we just really dont want to talk about him" and like the whole time she was texting this guys and she was telling him "omg theyre ruining my mental health"

and i think i may have pushed a little over board but i was sick of her asking like some entitled bitch that needs her friends to agree with her all the time. so i kind of just brought up everything shes ever done to me :) like the time i too her to disneyland and she literally complained in the car, ON TWITTER, about how she had to go back and we were forcing her. and its like, girl. my mother payed for you to be here. do NOT play. and i understand her frustration to a point becuase we were at the park that morning from like 9 to 1 but we had like a 6 hour break at the hotel and didnt go back till 7. and we couldnt just leave her there becuase her mom didnt want her to be alone in the room so its like... girl you have to come. so were in the car on the way back to the park and shes like spaming her twitter "theyre forcing me to go back! im crying. i dont want to be here" SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU UNGREATFUL LITTLE BITCH. like girl... girl...BITCH. i couldnt even.

then i brought up the fact that she let her ex bf like disrespect tf outta me. like he burped in my face, didnt say sorry, disrespected my family and callled me a bitch unprovoced. like she just let these things happen then got mad when i defended myself. talking about some "you had no right to say that to him" girl he had no right to act that way towards me but okay,

then i just brought up how much she just disregards me. like im nothing. and i truly felt like that the entire time i was friends with her. an that was most of my life.

she didnt respond to that message. she simply left the group chat then blocked me. couldnt take the fucking heat ig.

and i dont care what happens to her. she could burn in the deepest pit of hell. and maybe ill go to hell for saying that. but i mean it. ive never wanted someone to suffer more.

and that leads me to this topic. she has no friends now. and im glad. she doesnt deserve anything or anybody. no one deserves to be put through what i went though with her. theres so much more that happened with her that i dont even want to relive. but shes like searching for attention now. she texted a mutual friend of ours recently and i told him, dont text her back. and he fucking texts her anyway. now im not trying to dictate who he can and cant be friends with but she did him dirty too so i dont know why he even wanted to talk to her.

and thats anothet thing that pisses me off. people feel bad for her. like what the hell. even people that were with me the night of the argument. they feel bad that she has no friends. and i get having sympahty for her but what the hell. you were there, you know what she did so why on gods green earth do you feel that for her? it just sets this rage in me on fire and i want everyone to disappear.

i genuinley cant. like omg. it just makes me so angery and people dont get why im so mad about her. she just fucked over 12 years of friendship over some guy she only dated for 6 months.

but to make myself happy. i realized im over my crush on my friend. i think it was just a spur of the moment thing really. he has a gf now so its whatever really. ill miss that time of my life.

i didnt see mr c today im so sad. i even walked around a little during his prep and i didnt even see him walking around with his teacher besties. its okay though. i guess ill get over it :(

i did see my coco pookie though and i dont know what it is but its like im not looking for him as much anymore. i mean he wasnt here the other day and i missed him but when he has been here i dont even watch him that much. its just. i dont know. maybe i just want him to be around since he was my crush this.

another day. another slay. i love yapping. this was the first time i gen got out most of my emotions about that bitch and it have this weird relief. like my chest feels light in a way. maybe writting should be a daily thing for me. love love love. muah ha ha

[ratrap]

I don't know how much help this'll be but if you don't have anywhere safe to stay have you considered making a donation post? You're an adult and you need some money that's your own, him handling all your finances is just another huge red flag and way to keep you under his control. If you explain your situation (it doesn't have to be in detail or give out anything personally identifying) I'm sure there are a lot of people willing to help you get back on your feet, we're mutuals so I for one can vouch for you not being a scammer. Also if you aren't already you need to tell your therapist the truth just like you have on here, if they're any good they should be able to help someone who's clearly in an incredibly toxic relationship. Please stay safe, my heart breaks just reading all this stuff. You don't owe him SHIT and I truly hope you find a way to escape all this.

thank you.. I don't even know what to say, no I've never even considered doing that. I dont really know anything about doing that either. You're so right about the money thing I never gave it a second thought but that is pretty weird. If I ever want anything for myself I have to say to him and then he takes everything to do with it. I dont know how to set up anything or how I would even access it if I did. He can be nice like what I imagine a normal boyfriend is like but he does make me uncomfortable and it shouldn't be like that for anyone. You're really sweet and I cant thank u enough for taking the time to be so kind to me and try to help me. I know I should tell my therapist about it and I know she knows theres something up with me. I dont really know why I dont tell her. She is good and she is nice, she's helped me with a lot of things, but I don't know if I can say the things I say on here out loud to anyone nevermind her. And I would probably have to say even more to her. Im embarrassed. I don't know how long we've been mutuals obviously but things were reaaallly shitty for me maybe like four five years ago I guess I also get worried about being hospitalised as a result because that wasn't fun. Also in some kind of way I don't want to get him in trouble. Not because we have been in a relationship for a while but I dont know what would happen if I said I wanted to move out like I dont know if it would be possible for me to say that bc he is legally registered as my carer because of my disability and mental health problems. Thats why he takes control of any money i get too because apparently it's too much for me to deal with. I guess to sum up in one sentence I'm just scared. And I had been talking to him since the pandemic and had been seeing him in person since 2021. I didnt think things were that uncomfortable until I moved in with him around a year ago. He knows all about my trauma inside and out from my whole life so he knows how to manipulate me and I just dont like upsetting him. but also I am an adult and I did get involved with him on my own accord so I sometimes feel like maybe people would think I made my bed and should lie in it… literally.which is dark and disturbing but I dont want that.

[bloodylyres]

I think I might have anxiety or something like that, but I have no idea what to do, and honestly I just want someone to talk to.

But the only people I’m close with already have their own problems, or will just say that everyone feels that way sometimes and I don’t need a therapist because they’re a waste of time and money (my mother basically) so idk how to get one even though I want one.

She’s very traditional, and where she’s from mental health was not focused on whatsoever and it’s kind of seen as taboo. Maybe not anymore, but in her day most definitely. I can never reason with her, open up to her, or just talk to her about my issues.

And I don’t think I should bother my friends and boyfriend about these things, they have their own shit to deal with and having me talk to them might worry them or put something on their plate that they don’t need. Not to mention I feel like my closest friend is upset at me. I’ve been away from school for like 2 weeks because I was sick (I swear I’m cursed this happened last year) and I dunno maybe I should’ve reached out more? But I didn’t want to bother her too much. I dunno, I just want her to talk to me about it, and I wanna know if there’s anything I can do. Anyways, I texted her but I’m not expecting a response tbh,,,

I just kind of need an outlet for all of this, someone to talk to that I don’t have to worry about, a professional perhaps. Maybe if I go to a therapist, my boyfriend will get one too. He prolly needs it more than I do, but he doesn’t want to go to one, even though I keep saying he should. He should make his own decision, but like it’s really really bad and I’m worried for him. I won’t do anything without his knowledge or consent, I’ll just keep bringing it up if the situation allows it, I guess. What else can I do?? It’s not like I want him to feel this way, I love him. I miss him so much, I hate long distance. It’s not even that long but the fact that neither of us have a car makes it worse ($100 per round trip for a bus/train alone) and we both don’t have jobs. That’ll change for him, but not me. I don’t have time for a job. If I get a job, I’ll have money, but I’ll sacrifice time to myself and time with my friends. I already feel burnt out, granted I have a lot of stuff on my plate, just yk, adding more is way too much.

My life just kinda sucks right now, which also sucks because it’s one of my favourite months of the year, and i spent half of it at home, sick, and away from my friends. I wish this happened in November, actually never mind I wish it didn’t happen at all.

My boyfriend came over while I was sick, and I feel like my friends think I missed school because of him. I didn’t, my plan was to go to school and maybe miss a class or two to spend time with him. Not every day? I missed multiple tests; who wants to go through that?? Maybe I should clear that up with my friends,,, I also think that’s what they think because one of my friends made a joke about it earlier today. And before during the summer I wasn’t a great friend to my bff because of him. Im afraid she thinks I missed school for him and him only. Im gonna take a break from this and write her a paragraph talking about it. Okay I’m back. I have no idea if she’ll even reply. Idk if I should give her space or try to talk to her, I’m not great in complicated situations.

Well anyways, I dunno if there’s anything I want to say. Thanks for reading I guess,,,

[makeste]

have you noticed in the latest chapter the light is gone from Izuku's eyes? The same way it was gone from Katsuki's between his rescue and Deku vs Kacchan 2 fight. Izuku is hurting inside and im sitting here wondering how long will it be til he hits breaking point

so I’m late in answering these two asks (got them last week after 309 came out) because a certain someone had his birthday and so I was busy reading fanfic and hunting down gremlin faces, and then 310 came along and so I got distracted with that, and also I just suck at answering asks. but anyways, yes. yes to all of this, and thank you both for pointing this out. like, let’s talk about this. because this is how Deku’s eyes look normally,

and this is him in the latest chapter.

first of all, this is really well-played imo, because it’s all about consistency. it’s a very subtle change (or at least I thought it was lol), and the reason it’s so effective is because Horikoshi is so consistent in drawing the “normal” bright-eyed Deku look that you can’t help but notice the change when he suddenly stops. even if you can’t necessarily put your finger on exactly what’s off at first, I think most people definitely got that feeling of something being wrong. and that’s very deliberate.

so why is this important? well because a lot of people’s big fear right now is that the story is tacitly endorsing Deku’s recent choices and painting them as right/correct. namely, people are worried that this whole thing with Deku striking off on his own (because let’s be real, that’s exactly what he’s done; it doesn’t matter that All Might and the Hawksquad are accompanying him, because he’s clearly keeping his distance from them and is ready to give them the slip the moment things get bad) is going to be framed as The Right Decision Which Is Best For Everyone. and for a lot of people, that comes as a betrayal, because up until this point the series has espoused teamwork and trust as core virtues, and what Deku is doing right now is basically the opposite of that.

and this is why little details like the Despondent Eyes of Angst and Despair (or D.E.A.D. eyes for short) are so important -- because they signal to us that this is not the case. they are a very clear visual indicator that in spite of him appearing to have his shit together, Deku is very much not okay right now. like, let me just repeat that one more time: Deku is not fine. Deku is very much not fine here at all. Despondent Eyes of Angst and Despair are not just a little thing to be ignored. D.E.A.D. eyes are a dead giveaway that a character is Going Through It and is not in the right state of mind right now and needs help. but before I start spamming this post with images, let me add a read more cut.

okay, so! case in point,

Nana’s eyes normally:

vs. Nana’s eyes when she’s talking about potentially killing her grandson in order to defeat AFO:

Iida’s eyes normally:

vs. Iida’s eyes when he’s plotting premeditated murder to avenge his brother:

and again, Deku’s eyes normally:

vs. Deku’s eyes in chapters 306 through 310:

Deku’s eyes were still clear all the way up through chapter 305 when he was talking to the Vestiges about wanting to save Tomura. in fact, they were clear af when he was giving his speeches about that, because that light in his eyes always shines brightest when he’s speaking and acting with true conviction. it’s one of the ways the art shows us how determined he is. when Deku talks about saving people no matter what, he’s speaking straight from the heart about one of the core principles of his character, and the look in his eyes reflects that.

now contrast that against the look in his eyes when he talks about not wanting anyone else to get hurt:

once you see it, you can’t not see it. it’s Horikoshi’s way of showing that even though it may sound like the Same Old Deku on the surface, it absolutely is not the Deku we’ve come to know and love. something is deeply wrong. even though these might appear to be the same old convictions he’s always had -- protect everyone at all costs -- he’s gone from acting out of belief and principle to acting out of fear. he’s afraid of someone else getting hurt because of him. he’s so afraid that he’s pushing people away left and right to stop it from happening again. and that fear is holding him back, because as long as he’s holding himself apart from everyone else and trying to do it all solo, he’s making the same mistake that All Might once did. no one can bear all of that weight on their shoulders alone. AFO isn’t someone who can be defeated by any one person alone. the only way he’s ever going to be defeated is if the characters hold true to the one ideal that’s at the very core of the series: one for all. the combined strength of many, working together to overcome the selfish, arrogant, limited strength of one.

basically, this right here is why I haven’t been concerned about the story suddenly veering off the rails with this latest development. like, this isn’t Our Lord And Savior Deku being put on a pedestal and worshipped while all the other characters are shoved aside. this is Literally-Still-Just-A-Child Deku having an angst spiral while the distracted adults around him try their best to keep an eye on him but kind of suck at it because there’s too much other stuff going on that they’re also trying to deal with. All Might could be the one to help him in theory, but in practice he’s too accommodating and doesn’t really know how to say ‘no’ to this kid he loves like his own son, and right now he’s basically letting Deku walk all over him. as for the Vestiges, they’re great for helping Deku in battle, but well, how do I put this lol. basically I’m not fully sold on trusting Deku’s mental health to a bunch of angst-ridden martyrs who all died willingly in order to further the cause of taking AFO down. not really the best life coaches, there.

but you know who I do trust to finally get through to Deku and get him to see reason and start having faith in others again?

these guys.

so yeah. tl;dr, Deku isn’t okay right now and we’re not meant to think he is. and unless I’m way off base, this is going to be a very temporary arrangement. I don’t think Deku can continue as he is right now indefinitely. saving others has been his whole thing since the very start of the manga, but like everything else, eventually it has to come full circle. and I think that very soon, it’s finally going to be his turn to be saved. luckily for him, he’s got some good (and determined) friends. and as they say, giving help that’s not asked for is part of what makes a true hero.

[petewentzisblack1312]

im having shitty day and wondered if you could talk about some of your favorite pete facts or moments etc? i love hearing things about him it brings me so much comfort and u know so many cool things!!! anyway ignore if too busy i understand ❤️

course!!

hes really into contemporary reggae and dancehall, and listens to it with his kids

he seemingly likes star wars because its something he does with his friends

im absolutely obsessed with this halloween asmr video. hes not a great actor but god he can commit to a bit.

in fact theres a billion videos where petes just so incredibly dedicated to not breaking during a bit, theres this promo vid which i think about a lot and also the pete&rick podcast with his little bit about thanksgiving spaghetti. also the worlds most in depth fall out boy interview

the puppy interview is really cute because patricks being chill with 1 pitbull puppy and petes losing his goddamn mind going insane with all the other puppies. he looked so excited.

"we actually got the person who did the whistling on patience on this song-" *patrick shakes his head* "cmon! you couldnt let me have that?"

oh the number of moments of pete clowning on patrick i could throw in here

theres this one interview with andy and pete which ive mentioned before bc andy was obsessed w the waterfowl in the back but its ALSO noteworthy for pete and andy riffing with each other through looks and pete taking a moment to hug andy while theyre sitting together. i cant find it unfortunately :/

pete wentz + spinny chairs.

he and meagan share clothes! like theres a couple jackets they both wear for sure. i think thats sweet.

the arcade interview. pete is so stupid.

i love his smile. like he smiles so big and his eyes get all crinkly and hes always been like that

pete has some pretty intense and moving black nationalist poetry!! i personally try to only share it with black fans, in part because its from before fall out boy but mostly because i wanna make sure the conversation surrounding it doesnt ignore the fact that its About Being Black. it really shows off his way with words imo.

in the past few years fall out boy has done a fair few kids show appearances and according to pete its because he likes being involved in stuff his kids like! despite personally not liking the show itself i think the best one was probably the teen titans go special they were in. it was hilarious, i cant deny that.

i like how he treats fans. like all the guys are very aware they r just some dudes but yk theyre each different people and it seems like petes aware meeting him is a really big deal so hes usually pretty easy going about it, i can think of a couple filmed meet ups (such as in the arcade interview) where hes just acting exactly how i think you would if you were a small local act. just like "hey, nice to meet you, are you seeing us later" type of thing.

hes legit done some pretty cool activism! hes worked with mental health campaigns, as ive mentioned campaigned against prop 8, fall out boy as a band have done some PSAs and stuff, and its just nice that he wanted fame to do good things and then actually did good things. weve moved past the era of "we need a famous spokesperson to do ads for our nonprofit asap" but even then, hes been openly political on social media prior to leaving twitter.

in fact heres a video from a small music journalism outlet that actually asked some pretty good questions where he answered with some like, intro to prison abolition ideas

those are what came to mind! hope these made you happy :)

[iampikachuhearmeroar]

did anyone else feel like everything in uni was just.... too much to handle???? like do this internship! do this extra curricular program! and this one and this one and this one!!!! all to prove how involved you are!!! build all your soft skills and hard skills and professional brand/identity now!!! what are you doing????? dicking around like that????? you have no time to dick around!!!!! DO IT NOW??!!! WHERES YOUR LINKEDIN??? WHERE ARE YOUR AND WHAT ARE YOUR CAREER GOALS AND YOUR CAREER ROADMAP????!!! WHY DONT YOU CARE ABOUT ENTREPRENEURSHIP AND BEING INNOVATIVE???? OH BY THE WAY WHERE ARE YOUR ASSIGNMENTS ON TOP OF ALL THIS OTHER BS YOU’RE MEANT TO DO AND CARE ABOUT????!!!!!

like bro you’re causing me and probably everyone else to have mental breakdowns and feel like failures if they don’t do all these things all at once at uni. sorry i couldn’t manage an internship bc i only got my licence after i graduated???? sorry that i felt like those programs would take too much energy out of me???? sorry i forgot to turn in all those bs personal reflections you wanted me to have done for that extra curricular program that i signed up for where i never got hired for any of the positions i applied for anyway???? sorry i don’t give a fuck about my professional image and how to set up a personal brand i have no fucking energy left to give a flying fucking fuck about it. why the fuck does it even matter??? and fuck your entrepreneurship and innovation/hustle lifestyle bs spiels! why the fuck am i supposed to care about these????? when my mental health is so fucking depleted that i had a panic attack to the point of throwing up in the bathroom over making my linkedin account and being a “budding professional”???? why don’t my studies count as being involved on campus???? because they’re literally all i can fucking handle, just barely???? like how much fucking energy and time do you think i fucking have???? thanks for your fake ass mental health events that don’t really work either. just fuck why can’t i dick around like you’re really supposed to do at uni???? how the fuck else am i meant to relax if i’m always meant to be thinking about hustling and all that bullshit??? hello???? why will no one answer me???? fuck you.

like obvs i know people will react to this with comments such as: “that’s why and how you’re meant to learn time management at uni!!! look at all the cute study hacks on tiktok to help you ☺️!” and “that’s how you learn how to handle multiple workloads and deadlines and stuff!!” or “that’s how college/uni simulates the real world of employment!!! if you can’t deal with this at college/uni maybe you should’ve just dropped out and realised that you needed to toughen up princess!!!” or whatever else. but y’all. like it was chronic. i was always tired. always burnt out. i felt like i had no time to “find myself “ or whatever the trope or expectation of uni is supposed to be. instead i was just hammered, to what felt like death, with “be entrepreneurial and grind/hustle your way to the top every day!!!! only care about your professional image and brand! everyone has one! do 10 internships today to prove your eligibility/validity and motivation to employers so you get into a grad program!!! hustle hustle hustle! innovate innovate innovate! where are your start up ideas to fix the entire world in a day???? here’s all these never ending deadlines for 50+ extracurriculars that you HAVE to meet otherwise you won’t get the award for these programs officially to show employers!” etc etc etc. but it honestly felt like so, so, so much to do and i felt guilty because i felt like i had absolutely no interest in half of the ECs, let alone, even the “required marks” (because more than half of the ECs at my uni required at least a 75 or distinction average) to get into like mentor high school kids or idek do a business incubator program or whatever the bullshit EC program options were.

and that above is not even counting the reflections that you had to do to say “yeah i did this program and i felt it was good and i learnt A/B/C about myself through this program so it’s defs enhanced my employability skills” to even be considered to be taking part in the program. it was all too fucking much on too little time and i fucking hated it. and that’s besides the point that i was focussing solely on all the employability workshops for my “career” and got literally fucking nothing out of them. like why can’t uni just be a time to dick around and find yourself, instead of doing useless fucking employability circus bullshit and hearing time and time again about the “entrepreneurial mindset” and how to “never turn off your brain for innovation and the hustle to be ahead of everyone else???? hurry up and have a side hustle like tutoring to show just how much initiative you have!!!!!” like i just don’t understand how my advanced diploma, my undergrad arts degree, and my albeit short lived and failed attempt at my postgrad degree dont show ENOUGH initiative to employers. i fucking hate it.

and i also i understand that me complaining about this after the fact (and also while i was at uni from 2015-2018/doing postgrad in 2019) can be seen as “oh you were just too lazy to get yourself together and grow up! typical millennial/gen z! too selfish to grow up and be part of the big, bad adult world!” but y’all. there needs to be more down time for students and less of a push to be “entrepreneurial” and all that bullshit during uni/college; so you’re not pushed to your absolute limits at uni til you have a mental breakdown and drop out/defer for a semester or a year. and that’s besides the fact that even in my fucking 3 month breaks at the end of every year i was actually BUYING my texts or textbooks early and doing some of my readings (books) MONTHS ahead of time and MONTHS ahead of even knowing the revised sets of texts (because half the time i bought them so early that i hd no idea that the prof had taken like 4 diff books off some courses and replaced them w/ other books instead for example) so i really had no proper downtime anyway. like i was utterly run off of my feet and i was burnt the fuck out every fucking year of my undergrad degree and also my postgrad and also business college in 2014; which was at least 50+ page assignments every fucking week. like that should count as initiative to employers.... but apparently it fucking doesn’t??? im fucking sick of y’all what the actual fuck do you want????

[radiorenjun]

Grand announcement ❗❗❗

Yep you read that right and no this is not a joke, unfortunately.

Honestly is it that much of a surprise?

Um I don't know when I'm actually going to post this or if I will post this considering I've been debating on whether i should actually take time off of not. But depending on the date I post this, its either going to be one of two reasons or both.

LETS GO WITH THE POSITIVE ONE FIRST SHALL WE?

First of all, Happy Ramadan! My maids going back to her old village for the holidays so I'm going to have to assist my parents in babysitting more til she gets back. Therefore I will be too busy to post or update. Or maybe my parents plan an unexpected vacation or something and I'll be too busy to communicate with anyone on my phone.

Edit: I take it back my mom fired her when she caught some cigarette ashes in her room today (my maid went back to her village yesterday btw) and now we gonna get a temporary one that comes and goes everyday at the end of Ramadan LMFAOOO more chores for me then

Also, im posting this to just inform everyone I'll be okay and I'll return somewhere in the end of May or the beginning of June considering I promised a few moots to voice call then. Man, it feels weird speaking all serious like this. It feels even weirder that I'm not even using capslock lmfao.

Okay the other reason. Im not really thrilled to think that it's finally drove me up so far i have to take a break from everything.

If you can't tell from how I've been on and off lately uh like my mental health is getting bad. Like really really bad?

I won't go into much details but for safety stuff here's your trigger warning for ED, SH, Depression, Nightmares, etc. If you don't want to read this part you can scroll down until you see some random red statement I'll write later so you can see what I have to say before i leave.

Uh okay where do I start. To sum it all up basically, my mental health is in absolute ruins? At the moment?? Uh... It's been the worst it has been in the past three to four years? I don't know anymore. I can't sleep properly because I keep having nightmares of past su1c1d3 attempts and the outcome of actually succeeding. I can't eat properly anymore. My SH habits and my anxiety is coming back (every beginning of every month though so it wasn't as bad as way way when this started) and I trying my best to stop it again. I'm almost a month clean but I doubt that I can last more than that again because everything seems to get worse and worse. I cry myself to sleep because of my thoughts being so fucked up. I tried coming forward with this so many times to my parents and my teachers but they won't believe me, i can't do anything anymore except try to get better by myself. I can't bring myself to communicate with anyone anymore knowing full well that the only thing that's keeping me alive at this moment is socializing. I keep having flashbacks of when older men stalked me everywhere I went in the past. I lie awake knowing that nothing can bring me comfort except seeing that one idol who you all probably know by now. Im literally depending on him to keep me together during the day it's not even funny anymore lmfao.

I have to do endless chores, deal with all of this at once, catch up on two semesters worth of materials for my new school, deal with my graduation ceremony which is coming around this month or next month? Somehow I developed some type of anger issues the past year so haha that's great yuh no.

To stop you from worrying, no, I don't have suicidal tendencies anymore but I don't exactly have something to be thrilled living for. I'm just vibin in life at this point lmao

I'm just tired. I'm really really tired. Id lie awake crying my eyes out while listening to renjun voice audios. I'm tired of crying all the time and I'm tired of everything. Im tired of laying in bed overthinking and stressing bout things that wouldnt normally bother as much. I promise I won't do anything stupid

I won't be gone long. I'm not okay at the moment but I will be. Because at the end i need to be okay again. I'm giving myself time to heal again before something gets bad. I promise I'll come back from time to time. I promise I'll be okay again and I'll come back as that happy hyper renjun simp who swears and uses capslock, spamming memes or whatever.

I'm not comfortable opening up about anything that goes beyond too sad in my life so I'm just going to leave it at that

You can stop scrolling now. The triggering part is over.

Thank you for all the moots who decided to cheer me up unknowingly whenever I was having a mental breakdown. Thank you for reading up to here lmfao uh I don't know what to say? God Im a mess.

Dms on both tumblr and discord will be pretty slow. I'm sorry but I'll reply to my asks like a day or two after they're sent. I won't be posting much until June and I'm truly sorry for those who were waiting for the last chapter of idni, im taking this chance to also rethink the ending so I can somehow make it better than I originally planned it literally a year ago.

Damn broken English 101.

As I said before, I'll be okay when I get back. I'll be the happy hyper angie I always was and always will be when I return. I don't know when I'll post this but hopefully I don't haha. You don't have to be worried about me, this happened before and I always come back okay again. I'll be okay, I promise. I'll be back in a month.

Do what yall do and don't forget to tag me whenever you post any renjun fics haha. I'll miss you all, don't forget about me okay? Haha.

I'll be looking forward to writing again and hopefully I'll be mentally and physically healthy then. Hopefully I'll have my motivation in writing back again by then. I'll try my best to commit into getting better and being happy. Plus I wanna start an sm au but rn it doesn't seem very likely haha

I'll be contacting my networks bout this as soon as I post this.

Thank you and see you all later

[wsgeon]

hey everyone! ummm this is peyton (also the mun of lee hyeon) taking a second shot at a second character — i have a lot of muse for this one, so i swear he’ll be around for a while… 🥵 this is ryu geon, yes his name rhymes with hyeon’s & no i do not care ♥️ he’s the lead guitarist/vocalist of meta and also the son of a former nobody rockstar, but i’ll get into all that below! like this post if you’d like for me to come into your ims to plot, click the read more for more info on geon, and/or click here to be taken to his pages: CAREER, DOSSIER, PINTEREST.

HISTORY.

born in autumn ‘97 to a “budding rockstar” (translation: “no yeah i swear our band’s really starting to take off, we sold twenty-three tickets to our last show!”) & a woman with commitment issues ♥️ geon’s dad always told him that his mom left because she had some dire matters that needed to be taken care of and SWORE that she cried the last time she held her dear baby boy, but all of his dad’s bandmates say that she was just some groupie and had to be persuaded into carrying her child to term… who can say for sure?

naturally, there are no pictures of this mystery woman. there was one (1) of her holding infant geon, but then he found out that that was actually a sound tech who worked for his dad’s band… and he just never corrected geon’s assumptions LOLLLL

anyway! he was always really close to his dad, considering they were a two-person family. he has a set of grandparents, an aunt and a couple cousins but they were never involved with geon’s life because his dad is the #blacksheep of the family. geon and his dad against the world, am i right?

uhhh geon was also kind of a black sheep growing up, but he didn’t really notice? he was a happy kid, very energetic and enthusiastic. a lot of adults in the area looked down on him & his dad, but he was SOOOO blind to it because his dad’s a god in his eyes and HE’S always been nice to everyone, so why would they not like him??? because his clothes smelled a little like dad’s cigarette smoke??? big deal

wasn’t troublesome (beyond talking too much), but a lot of people still expected bad things from him :/ “his father’s a dirtbag, i’ll be surprised if that boy doesn’t end up in jail by 20”, “he won’t amount to anything without a proper role model in his life”, “his dad is teaching him how to slack off”, “he won’t contribute anything to society”, etc. he kindaaa picked up on this as he got older but pretended not to because it was more rewarding to play dumb and keep being a good kid(tm) to prove them wrong

was basically a mini version of his dad. same style, similar features, birthmarks in the same places, same “live today, die tomorrow” approach in life, same affinity for singing & playing rock music. ummm he loved his dad a lot. a lot. a lot. wanted to make him proud SO BAD, started his first band when he was 15 and they sucked so bad but his dad was their biggest fan… you know how it is. a lot of people misunderstood him, but he was a very good guy and such a great parent

TW DEATH unfortunately he passed away just shy of geon’s 18th birthday and your boy still hasn’t forgiven the world for taking his dad when he was in the middle of his angsty teen phase — had he known that their time together was dwindling, he would’ve been so so so much better to him END TW

his dad’s band actually rocketed into the charts after he passed & suddenly they were getting loads of publicity, lots of “what a shame that he went under-appreciated” which pissed geon off SOOOO bad because why couldn’t they have had that energy when he was still alive? he’s still mad about it five/six years later

this is getting kinda long, so uhhh tl;dr, he ended up staying with the drummer of his dad’s band until he was old enough to live alone/READY to live alone, but he changed quite a bit. was really going through it, quit his band, stopped putting effort into school. barely graduated. went from being a social butterfly spending every weekend at a gig or with friends to spending all of his time on a pc or in front of a tv, playing console games. the internet comforted him when nobody else would/could and then he met the future members of meta <33333333 #newbeginnings

present day geon is still struggling, has to go to counseling bi-weekly but he’s coming back out of his shell! he wants to fall in love with life again, just wants to tread carefully... outgoing & will talk to absolutely anyone, but he still spends most of his time alone. hard to reach by text, so if you wanna talk to him, you better call/facetime LMAO. talks a mile a minute, especially if you get him going abt something he really likes. laughs a lot, smiles a lot, more habitual than actual signs of happiness but yk. ummm he has a really loud voice, mostly controlled nowadays but he still gets carried away sometimes. an absolute menace during long drives/flights, sorry meta.

funny but only when he’s in large groups. feeds off of other peoples’ energy, really good at reading a room and breaking the ice/making everyone comfortable, but if you meet him 1-on-1, none of his jokes land quite the same.

i envision him as being the kind of guy who carries himself in such a way that you’d assume he’s really popular/out of reach/maybe even full of himself, but he’s... not like that... at all... in fact, he’s kinda irritating when you get to know him. the personification of a flood followed by a drought and vice versa, always either too much or not enough. gets used/ghosted/dropped/dumped/whatever a lot because he’s soooo fun in the moment (if he isn’t in his feelings), but draining long-term.

really emotionally intelligent, in touch with his feelings in a way that a lot of people never thought he would be (probably thanks to counseling tbh). he’s very very rarely the type of person who will make you wonder what your place in his life is — he’s communicative, kind, honest. ummm he thinks that intimacy between friends needs to be more common, so he’s really affectionate with the people in his life. type of guy to tell you he loves you every chance he gets (calling you when he’s drunk, sounding like a clingy ex type beat) & greet you/depart with a hug. losing his dad kinda fucked him up in the way that he won’t leave/hang up until his friends say “i love you” back, gets kinda (re: very) upset if he’s denied that and/or a hug.

TRIVIA.

has been playing the guitar “longer than he’s been walking” (not really, but he swears it’s true).

uhhh he really likes nail art, but he’s kinda hesitant in what he tries? mainly sticks to black polish (or other plain colors), but sometimes he’ll get little designs added in as well. mainly does it himself because he still doesn’t feel comfortable in salons... if his work looks bad, leave him alone <3 he’s trying

inspired by people like kurt cobain, nicky wire, yungblud, billie joe armstrong & damiano david in the fact that he’s not against wearing dresses or skirts on stage. doesn’t do it ALL the time, but often enough that it doesn’t go unnoticed. some people say that he does it for attention because he doesn’t dress like that elsewhere and tbh they’re probably kinda right

interested in history (only SOME... dinosaurs, ancient civilizations, specialized areas like the history of circuses/clowns/skateboarding/punk, stuff like that yk), stand-up comedy & documentaries. could spend a whole day watching documentaries and would say he had fun, has a lot of useless knowledge that nobody gives a fuck about and is kinda dumb when it comes to things that matter

when it comes to music, he prefers playing really fast and heavy rock or punk over anything else, but he actually listens to a lot more soft indie on his own time... he’s too tense these days to be listening to anything else RIPPP

the vibe: homemade tie-dye, ripped slipknot t-shirts, frosted tips, neon crocs with alien & peace-sign charms, chipped black nail polish, calloused hands, cheesy pick-up lines used NOT to land a date but to pull a smile, driving until he’s lost, stupid socks paired with pressed suits, dramatic poetry in an iphone note, etc. 

PLOT IDEAS.

people he met through online support groups about coping with grief

uhhh an on & off relationship that’s been going for who-knows-how-long. the reason for this is up for discussion, but i imagine that he hasn’t given up yet because the constant highs and lows are a good source of inspo 🤪 artists must suffer for their art!

opposite side of the coin — someone he’s interested in, but he’s NOT disloyal so it’s a pattern of persistent courting when he’s single vs intense friend-zoning when he’s not and they’re getting tired of trying to figure out what he wants from them

someone else who likes nail art & can convince him that NOBODY cares if he goes to a salon

someone (probably female but doesn’t really matter tbh) who feels like his feminism is entirely performative… maybe they attack him directly for it or maybe they just REALLY don’t like him and they’re super vague about it idk. either way, please tell him that activism is much more than recommending one female artist a year and saying “clothes have no gender 🤪” so he can be praised for the bare minimum (his heart is in the right place but his skull is empty)

someone super introverted who comes out of their shell with geon! uhhh maybe they think that he’s the one doing them a favor, but in reality spending time with them has been doing wonders for his mental health

other people who like to skate. let’s congregate at the local skatepark and scare the middle schoolers away

someone who inspires him musically, for whatever reason. lots of late nights in studios, idly strumming his guitar and writing lyrics that definitely aren’t about how their eyes look in these dim lights… umm maybe he thinks he has a crush on them but really doesn’t and ends up hurting them eventually, maybe he really DOES have a crush but will (probably) never do anything abt it or maybe it’s entirely platonic and he just admires them a ridiculous amount

someone who likes to make music as a hobby, prob won’t publish/release any of it but it’s fun to imagine. spontaneous meetings with geon in the middle of the night, recording songs together and keeping the WORST takes for the laughs. there’s probably a diss-track of them going in on each other floating around somewhere even though geon can’t rap for shit

night owls who keep him company on the phone, even if they can’t be there physically. them talking really quietly vs geon shouting at them while he plays games LMAO

gaming buddies. come over, maybe you can carry geon through his game of the week or you can both fail but have fun while you’re at it… or you can scream while he fends off that hoard of zombies behind you

i’m typing this at the last minute (literally) so i’m gonna stop here, but i will get a proper plots page put up asap with a wider variety of connections!!! but as always, please do let me know if you have any other ideas. i’m always happy to plot and write with you all 🌚

[bokutsumie]

hi- im having a very difficult time coping atm and ur hcs make me feel a lot better when im feeling down :). do u mind making some angst hcs of katsuki, mirio, and iida supporting a partner with ptsd? and pls make it gn since im enby. thank u so much and have a good day/night <3

BNHA BOYS COMFORTING A READER WITH PTSD

-> gender neutral reader

-> bakugou, mirio, iida

-> tw: ptsd/bad mental health

-> hi! i'm so sorry you're having a rough time :( i really hope these make you feel better. i know it can be nerve-wracking to message someone but if you need to talk, my dms are always open. or feel free to do it through an anon ask if youre comfortable!! i'm glad to hear my works make you feel better 🥺 i hope you're doing better now as this request is a couple days late <\3 i really tried to do my best because i don't know a whole lot about ptsd/how your ptsd works so i did a little research. these are also shorter than usual because of that, i didn't wanna go in too deep because this request is for you, i didn't wanna stray away and make it too specific.

## KATSUKI BAKUGOU !!

you definitely help eachother out if the other is having a rough time because he has a lot of trauma/ptsd as well

if you're having a rough time he'll hug you to calm you down and just let you cry on his chest if you need

words of affirmation!!!

he wants to let you know that it's okay to be upset

"whatever triggered this, let me know. i dont wanna have to see you like this at all, never mind because of me."

if you're thinking too much he can definitely tell

"hey look at me, okay?"

puts on little firework shows for you because he knows you love them

(idk if this is possible with his quirk but) you know that powder you can put into fires that make the flames rainbow?

he definitely sprinkles some onto his hands to make it more colorful

if you want to be left alone he respects that because he usually feels that way

so he picks up a teddy bear from your bed and sprays his cologne on it

he says "i know you want to be left alone and i'm gonna go in a second, but just know that i'm here for you. text me if you need anything, okay?"

and tucks the teddy bear between your chest and arms before giving your nose a kiss and leaving quietly

when he sees you smile again he feels so proud of himself- not in an assholeish huge ego way- he's just glad that he's the only one to be able to cheer you up like this

## MIRIO TOGATA !!

i've said it before and i'll say it again

this man loves cuddles no matter if they're happy or sad cuddles

moving on

he can tell instinctively

he'll be in the middle of training or working and come home because he felt like something was off

immediately takes you into his arms

"hey, it's okay. i'm here, i'm here."

if you want to be left alone he respects that

even then, he's still in the next room

uses his quirk to pass you notes through the wall once in a while to check up on you

will literally die for you if it means you're happy

works very hard with you and constantly does research to help you

he wants you to know that he cares and that you aren't upset over something stupid, it's valid to feel how you feel

if you show any sign of distress he's like OH FUCK BRB

and goes out and gets a bunch of snacks/board games so you can be distracted from your thoughts

if he's not home or can't come home, he texts you,,,

,,,and tells you to put on his hero suit so it feels like he's there (assuming the reason he's not home isn't because of hero stuff

## TENYA IIDA !!

probably doesn't know how to deal with it at first

but when you break down in front of him for the first time all he wants to do is kiss and hug you and tell you it's okay

he tries to make you laugh, which isn't really like him

but he just wants to see you smile

he puts his glasses on you and brings you over to the mirror

"look at you, you're so cute. i don't know what i would do without you. you know that right?"

and kisses you on the forehead

another thing

he just

again doesn't know what to do but he's trying his best

"give me one second, okay?" and he gives you a kiss on the cheek

mofo ZOOMS out the house and comes back in about 30 seconds

he went out to get you,,,,,:

chocolate/candy, a onesie, flowers, and one of those GIGANTIC FUCKING TEDDY BEARS

i feel like his love language is gift-giving

so he just always gets you things whether you're sad or not (but especially when you are)

even though he's not really experienced with this kind of stuff, he does anything in his power to make you feel better

tags: @we-mentally-unstable @ees420

[sapphic-sex-ed]

1/2 this isn’t about sex so if you can’t answer that’s ok. The reason I’m sending this to you is bc all other queer accounts I follow are inactive rn bc of the pandemic. So there’s too much to get into but in simple terms I feel very unwelcome in the wlw community as a bi woman. I’ve faced so much biphobia from lesbians that I’ve deleted/taken a break from any social media that has wlw/lgbtq stuff on it besides this. And my mental health has dropped a lot. I can’t fight it bc theres so much

2/2 im at the the point where I’m considering labeling as straight. I’ve even sometimes wished I was a bi man instead(of course there’s still biphobia there but not so much gatekeeping terms). It’s so incredibly painful to get crap from your own community & it’s growing so much in my gen. I just don’t really know how I can feel better. I have no trust(I’ve seen “bi supporters” like/say biphobic things). Idk if you can say anything. I’m sorry if this is something you don’t really have advice for

That doesn’t sound like fun, anon, not at all. I’m sorry you’ve been dealing with this and found yourself in such toxic spaces. 

Biphobia is real and your feelings are a valid response to that. It’s understandable you’d consider just going by straight, however that would also mean denying a part of yourself and that’s painful, too. 

It seems to me that what you really need is some inclusive spaces that accept you. You say biphobia seems to be growing in your generation (I guess gen z?) but I haven’t seen that personally. The thing with social media is that it produces very different atmospheres depending on who you follow, and once you follow a ceirtan type of people, those same will keep getting suggested to you and it can be hard to brek out and create a new comunity/atmosphere. 

There are two pieces of advice I feel like I can offer you based on what you have communicated.

The first is to unfollow all wlw/sapphic accounts you follow. Unless there is one or two that you know are inclusive for real. This is because the type of people who followe those blogs and that they follow will be the ones first suggested to you when you search for key-words like wlw or sapphic. I will reccomend some blogs who are inclusive of bi people for real below.

The second advice would be to, if possible, join an irl queer group. In groups that exsist outside of the online space the type of divisime exclusionism tends to be lower because of how human social stuff works. There are still assholes but there are fewer of them and even if there are people who believe those things they tend to shut up about it. Ofc because of pandemic stuff this might be hard to do rn, but once things open up again it would be one of the first things to look for.

It really is shitty that you’ve had to be made to feel this way, anon. I wish you all the best.

-mod liz

list of blogs:

@soft-sapphic-love

@ace-and-aro-wlw-positivity (even if you’re completely allo they have a lot of mixed wlw positivity as well)

@softlywlw

@sapphic-garden

@starlightsapphix

@queer-positive

@sapphicsinthecloset

[endchanc4]

tips that i learned in online classes + tips that i have used that worked

the following will have some of my experiences and some explanation

don't worry too much

worrying about your grades is okay, but worrying too much is bad for mental health- just remember to do your best and be confident about it

ask your classmates or make a groupchat for all of your classmates

you use the groupchat to ask questions or sometimes chat with them

have a planner

i have digital planner and a physical planner: i have used notion and microsoft to do and so far they are really good. just jot down everything, homeworks, quizzes, exams, activities and due dates, then organize them by date so you can prioritize

(i will be posting about how i plan)

keep up to date everyday

check your planner, check your schedule for the day, for tomorrow, and for the week. you don't want to experience that there will be a quiz in a few minutes. so make sure to check with your planner and notifications with emails everymorning and every night.

at least have a decent start in the morning

wash your face, dress yourself, take a shower if ya want,eat your breakfast, check your classes and schedule

have a backup plan

i can't stress you enough to create a backup plan. always have a backup plan if things go wrong on the first plan. this one time that we have to record a mock webinar via google meet, i have used obs to record the meeting, at the same time, i used the recorder for windows 10 ( the one in game bar). for some reason obs didn't record the audio if the meeting but the game bar recorder did. so basically, have a backup

this also worked for files, i upload my files in my google drive in case if i have to use a different laptop or in case if the files went missing on my laptop

put your screens in a night light when working at nights. hence the name

it just, my eyes hurt when they are not in night light when im working on nights

don't work all the time

have a rest day every week

I have experience extreme breakdown and burnout just a few days before major examinations which is a bad timing, so make sure to rest every few minutes so you wont experience this frequently

have a hobby that does not involve screens

this serves as a rest that does not involve any screens, like a break from watching netflix. i recommend paint by numbers in this case - it does not need any artistic skill

have a designated notepad or notebook for random stuff or distractions

mostly,i have different notebooks for a specific contents, there are times that im too lazy to grab that notebook and write it down. i have this notepad that I made from scratch papers and i write whats on my mind on that paper so that it wont distract from my tasks - sticky notes works here also

have a journal

write your thoughts there, i write mine down and sometimes talk about it with my friends, just to relieve it from my mind it does not have to be for everyday, i write mine once in a while

be organized

DIGITAL - name your files the right way - [subject][type][title][other notes] [my name] - example : GNED00_Activity10_KenKen_my name in our school, there are profs that requires to have a portfolio with the activities that we have done. With organization, I have submitted my portfolio with complete files without a hassle in a short amount of time -  i just have to rename some of the files but its not a big deal

PHYSICAL - have a separate folders for different subjects + organize with paper clips, binder clips, and staples binders are okay but having around 10 is way to much, but if ya want to try the binder system, just use one in a meantime and test it it out. 

i use my binder to keep my practice sheets

have a clean desk in general

i am distracted with a messy desk because i want my desk to be clean in classes

because of my messy desk, my attention went on “how will i organize my desk” instead of listening at my class

so these are my tips that i have learned during my online classes. sorry if i have wrong grammar and spellings. i hope these tips will work for you!

Instagram post link: https://www.instagram.com/p/CLOR1q4p0zG/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link

[alyfawx]

I cant keep doing this...

I cant keep up with evrything expected of me...

i lose sleep..

im in pain all the time...

I keep pushing but i feel like...

utter shit...

I hate my job but i need money...

I Dont get paid enough to pay bills and get things that i like...

I am told in different ways that im not good enough or im not doing enough...

I cant find to much happiness doing the things I love...like writing...or eating stuff I love and crave...

im worried everyday about my health but i domt have the motivation to donwhats needed to keep it leveled...

im at war just toget my insurance but they keep saying my account is still open in fucking NY and its been years of flinging to my social worker trying to figure it out and cancel it and they say they will give me the papers I need to donit but never does and because of that my mental health is getting worse and worse because its not getting treated and i try to treat my own self with research and stuff but there is so much i can do...and I considered just...going to a mental psychiatric clinic but then I cant afford that because my damn NY account in insurance keeps saying its open but me an my mom tried to get it fix and it just will not fucking close 4 years of trying this 4 fucking years and im suffering inturnally...i contemplate running away from going to work but i cant...because work equals money...i feel like a burden to my family but have no clue what else I can give to them...when im fucked up...i cant take more hours because I feel like if I did I will be lutting more stress to my body that will probably make things worse....i hate asking for help because its looked down uponed...or I feel like my problems are solo fucking little compare to others who work there god damn butts off and im here complaining I cant do a 4 hour shift for like 4 days back to back without wanting to fucking blow my brains out because everything hurts...and on top of that I seriously cant deal with the stress my mind is on when im there..."im not good enough or fast enough or im socially awkward and weird and people will look at me like i'm not trying hard enough" and that makes work for me a living fucking HELL...because everyday I wish I see people doing things more efficient then me...but if im going any more then i am doing...im stressed and anxious and like not comfortable... and i just try to keep those thoughts down...but there is a point where I just cant even bother because my mind is so hard to shut off...once it gets going...i Don t know what to do anymore...im starting to feel like...hopeless...helpless because theres so much expactations on me...brcausr no one ilunderstands...no one wants too...and when they try they just say you just got to do it...its life...it I get compared to better off people mentally...stonger people...thats even with there struggles they can do it...im not one of those people and i dont think I'll ever be in my current situation...and honestly...u dont know what else I can do anymore...and its to the point where trying anything more then what I feel I capable of...ill push myself too much and I'll snap...and do something stupid just to get out of it...but I fight that thought...everyday...because of these expactations and people who love me...and I try to convince myself it will get better but im exhausted...this fight is draining me...and I want everything to change already...its want a fucking merical...something to get me out of this rut im in...because I juat cant do this anymore...im fighting and im still not giving up but im afraid that...oneday I wont be me anymore and that protection of fighting will break and then...it will be to late...

I will try with every fiber of my being to keep that fight...and fight...but theres just so much you can take when your in this low rut...that comes up and down and up and down...and up and down like a figging roller coaster...and sometimes its just...unable to keep those ups for very long...and I lie to myself to keep fighting...but im to the point where...i just...cant keep doing that....an I need help...and thats gonna worry people...and I try to keep this to myself...and even now after writing this im regretting this...but this is needed to come out...i am not okay...im not normal...im dying inside everyday...this is serious...please help me...and I know...thats hard to hear for some people...and you guys just probably want the Ally before she went through trauma...and you just want to think lightly of me...and that im fine and content...and I want her back too...i try to keep her...but theres times I just cant and shes so far away ...and I wont be ending my life...but...im just...not okay...and idk what to tell anyone...cuz I have no clue how to fix it on my own...its hard to keep up this mask...that I hide...but the mask is crumbling...i cant keep it together for much longer...

I wish I was okay...but im not...and I really dont know what else I can do anymore...

I try to keep a content mindset...but...unfortonatly I really can't...i hope I get out of it...i want to be okay...but im not okay...and I domt want it to get it to thr point where I cant recover...so please if you can help me in anyway...please...do....its a mess up here...and by tomorrow im sure...ill act like im okay and the way i am is fine because I don't every time...don't listen to me...i need all the help and support and love and understanding I can get...but dont freak out because when you freak out im freaking out and that stresses me out more....just approach me with a calm state of mind...and try your best to help me...and forgive me if it doesnt sink in to me quickly...i need patiants and lots of it...not frustration...not being told im not. trying hard enough because that will make me feel resentful and that isnt good for anything... not for me and not for the help...so please if anyone can help me out...its appreciated...

[drangues]

Well, I appreciate you not finding me annoying- I just know that dealing with someone with anxiety can be. A Lot. And of course I have, like, ADD on top of that, and a general tendency to overshare because it’s hard for me to tell what the divider is between too much and not enough? Also there an Actual SCP that lets you square up with mental and physical illnesses and disorders alike, it’s great. (Nyanon, 1/10)

Anyways, I’m sorry people have said that about some of your favorites, but I’m glad you like them, anyways! It’s nice to like stuff. That aside, Kyouka just vibing up until she get the Urge to Go is. Hilarious, and would definitely happen. Also you’re right, Atsushi definitely collects old and vintage stuff and tries to restore it a bit and you should say it. Anyways, poor Atsushi is just left struggling to keep up with his adopted baby sis because how did we get here? (Nyanon, 2/10)

Kyouka what??? Kyouka please he is Confused (even though he definitely supports her traditions, like you said- Our boy is just wondered why it came out of nowhere). And those four sound like a good choice for family friends! I feel like Kyouka would get. The ODDEST assortment of gifts from them- Like, Yosano gives her an Entire Emergency Kit and Kouyou just gives her Swords and also pretty clothes. (Nyanon, 3/10)

Of course, Fukuzawa gives her toys for the local strays and some pocket money if she needs it, and Lucy probably gives her a doll or something. Atsushi, of course, fusses over making sure she has Everything, including books, bedding, her broom, and Kyouka did you pack all of your clothes??? And of course, he probably passes her Byakko’s special basket and bed (because that would be One Spoiled Cat) while in tears, like you said, because he doesn’t want her to be alone. (Nyanon, 4/10)

AND DONT WORRY KENJI IS DEFINITELY THE BOY SHE MEETS, I ALSO SHIP IT, THEYRE ADORABLE AND I LOVE THEM. He chatters to her about his life on the farm and how much more busy the city is, and they bond over being in a new place on their own. Poor Atsushi can’t catch a break, and he probably freaks out everyone else by running away. Like, what the fuck are they gonna tell Kyouka when she gets back??? Atsushi where did you go? (Nyanon, 5/10)

Meanwhile Atsushi is frantically trying to Not Be Cursed and it is. A work in progress. It’d be much easier if the wizard he found actually helped instead of being a trolling bastard. Said wizard and his minions (friends) are all taken with the weird cursed maybe-not-an-old-man who’s now their house keeper? Albeit in different ways, of course, but it’s hard not to be when he’s a sweetheart, of a bit anxious. Dazai just wants to know how the fuck he gets Chuuya to listen to him. (Nyanon, 6/10)

Also please consider: Atsushi having black hair at the start, but it ends up a permanent silver with a black streak by the end, because he’s starting to embrace himself. Dazai falling farther and farther in love as the story goes on and not even realizing it, and it’s totally normal to pet someone’s hair and compliment them so much, shut UP Chuuya, you’re a sentient ball a gas, what do you know- Anyways yes I’m taken with this AU, no I don’t mind your tangent. (Nyanon, 7/10)

And it’s just like [Dazai: I’m sorry like you ignore your what now??? // Atsushi: // Dazai: Atsushi-kun please answer me- ] It’d be so chaotic it’s great. Anyways, yeah I could definitely see him not really,, Registering? That everything he once had to do isn’t necessary anymore- It’d definitely be hard to break the habit, given how long it was literally beaten into him. It’s probably the same way when it comes to like, eating and stuff? Given his experiences. (Nyanon, 8/10)

Then he realizes halfway through the day that he can, in fact, eat, and he isn’t used to that? Please help him. But all of that definitely would make him more eager to try new things, once he realized he could! He’ll try everything with anyone who’s willing. Like, he’ll do flower pressing with Kunikida (who thinks they make good bookmarks), or he’ll try collecting things with Dazai (who collects foreign coins, though Atsushi finds that he favors bottle caps). You know what I mean? (Nyanon, 9/10)

But anyways, another Scenario Concept: Please imagine Dazai and Atsushi taking naps together. Like, Atsushi curls up on Dazai’s chest and Will Not Move, and no one has the heart to move him, anyways. Dazai buries his face in Atsushi’s lap and let’s himself fall asleep while Atsushi plays with his hair. I don’t know, I’m tired and can’t think of much right now. I just want fluff. (Nyanon, 10/10)

DW!!! I ALSO SUCK AT KNOWING WHATS OVERSHARING OR NOT AND I LOVE IT WHEN SOMEONES VERY OPEN AND RAMBLES ON A LOT BECAUSE ONE OF MY BIGGEST FEAR IS AWKWARD SILENCES AND DRY CONVOS SO I LOVE THOSE TYPE OF PEOPLE CAUSE THEY ALSO MAKE ME TALK BETTER AND WE JUST HAVE A BETTER CONVO OVERALL

i loVE THEM GIVING HER THE ODDEST GIFTS I BET FUKUZAWA IS THE ONLY ACTUAL NORMAL ONE WHO GIVES HER NORMAL GIFTS meanwhile kunikida (did i say he would be a friend as well??) would give her the C UT E S T stationary items for her studies. 

and chuuya’s curse would definitely be reduced to a flame!! and akutagawas curse,,,hmm,,,maybe that he has poor health??idk if that makes sense- BUT. PLS. I CAME UP WITH A CHUUAKU AU WHERE THEY MANAGE TO FALL IN LOVE AND EVERY NIGHT AKUTAGAWA IS HUDDLED NEAR THE FIREPLACE AND TALKS TO CHUUYA SOFTLY JUST THEM TOGETHER WHEN EVERYBODY ELSE IS ASLEEP AND ATSUSHI PRETENDS NOT TO HEAR THEM HNNN AND WHEN THE CURSE IS BROKEN AND CHUUYA IS NO LONGER BOUND TO DAZAI HE JUST IS SO HAPPY HES FREE AND AKUTAGAWA LOOKS DEFLATED RIGHT BUT THEN HE IMMEDIATELY TACKLES AKUTAGAWA IN A HUG AAAA-

anyways Y E S i totally agree with atsushi having black hair and it turning grey how dare you be so amazing WOW <33 and chuuya would definitely keep on teasing dazai about everything he literally does to atsushi the moment the young(old??) man is out of earshot

flower pressing with kunikida,,,how dare you make me soft i hate you and DAZAI AND ATSUSHI TAKING NAPS TOGETHER AAAA THATS SO CUTE PL S IM CRYING

[today-only-happens-once]

Have you talked about your DnD PCs before? Can you talk about your game on tumblr? What's all been going on last few sessions :o

ANON you are one of my favorite people today this ask made me so freaking happy. (So is @psychedelicships  who said I had an invitation to ramble about my d&d campaign) Sorry for my excited gushing and rambling slkdfjdsklfjskldfj

My D&D Player Character

So my current D&D PC is named Kyssarda. She’s a half-elf neutral-good monk. I’ve rambled about her backstory before but the condensed version is that there’s a pattern of people leaving her/abandoning her in her life. Her parents died in a fire that her older brother rescued her from when she was four. She passed out on the way out, and when she woke up, she’d been told that she’d been left on the doorstep of the temple. Her brother was no where to be found. When she eventually made her way back home, her home was ash. Monks trained her, but they weren’t really equipped to raise a small child, so Kyssarda had a very lonely upbringing. The monks follow Sehanine (d&d deity), so she was raised on the tenants of her teachings and the teachings about following your own path led to her eventually striking out on her own. As a result of her upbringing and past, the people in her life (i.e. the party) are super important to her, because they are the first friends she ever chose and in some ways, they’ve chosen her too. She has abandonment issues up the wazoo, and hoo has she been reminded of that in recent sessions.

She’s very... empathetic and soft. She pays close attention to the mental/emotional state of her party members. Part of that is just who she is, but a lot of that is informed by her own loneliness. She doesn’t want others to feel like they’re alone, because she knows very intimately how much that can suck. Her loyalty and protectiveness of her friends leads her to sometimes not make the most tactically advantageous decision in combat, and also means that she has basically no self-preservation instincts (which is the main reason I’m pretty sure she’s gonna die before the campaign is over).

Campaign Stuff/Ramblings (under a cut because I’m literally just never going to shut up lets goooo):

So the original party consisted of a Teifling Paladin, a Wood Elf Rogue (who is multiclassing in monk), a Leonin Blood Hunter, and Kyssarda. We met during a fighting tournament and was contracted by the king to retrieve something for him. We teamed up for that, and convinced the king to come along too. So we traveled to some ruins, fought some stuff, and found the relic the king needed. We ran into a Jotenheim giant and fought that. In the process, the Leonin ended up attacking Kyssarda (cuz he’s basically a werewolf lion, and when he goes to his hybrid form and drops below half-health, he has to save on a wisdom saving throw or he just attacks the closest figure which happened to be meeee). 

Later on in a different fight in the same place, Kyssarda freaking died thanks to 2 chain lightnings (I took damage while unconcious and then rolled a Nat1 on the death save). But the king we brought along was a cleric who had what was needed for revivify. So Kyssarda came back, with a withered left hand. The Leonin felt responsible for her death because he’d attacked her earlier, and vowed to help her fix her hand. 

I forget exactly when, but during this journey, Kyssarda and the Leonin learned that there was a war brewing between two different kingdoms and that the Elf Rogue seemed to have a personal (but vague?) stake in the outcome of that war.

but ON OUR WAY BACK to the city, we got side-tracked with a quest to help a little girl rescue her family. So we also fought a troll and a hag. And when we were getting her family out, we also found (Surprise!!) the estranged (kinda) sister of the Elf Rogue. 

This lead to some downtime back at the main city. Kyssarda got her hand fixed at a temple. We got the sister of the Elf Rogue healed up at the same temple. The Leonin had a hilarious and embarrassing fight with a creature I can’t remember the name of. And lots of research was done by all about various things. Kyssarda did the most research, as she grew up working in the library section of the monk monastery so she’s always curious. So she starts looking into things about the war going on, and learns that Mr. Elf Rogue is in fact ROYALTY. He’s a prince of one of the countries at war. And we had learned already that he had fled the city with his siblings but not that he was royalty?? So that was a trip to learn. 

Meanwhile, Kyssarda is also helping the Teifling Paladin with some research because he’s been having weird dreams. And while they’re chillin’ in the library, the Paladin finds this book and gets sucked into it. Like. One minute he’s there, one minute he’s not and the book is floating before it closes and slams on the table. So Kyssarda (Ms. Abandonment Issues and also Freshly Traumatized By Havivng Died) panics and takes the book and runs. Our Paladin is still in the book. We sent him a Sending Scroll asking if he was okay and he basically said “Yeah im fine I’ll be back eventually”. Kyssarda also had a nice heart-to-heart with the Elf Rogue about the reemergence of his sister and told him a little about how her own brother abandoned her and encouraged him to just be patient with her (because the sister is not happy with him). 

But the show must go on, and our Elf Rogue really wants to get back to his home and help in the war effort somehow, plus find his brother who also is MIA. So Kyssarda, the Leonin, the Royal Elf Rogue, his sister, AND another human PC (a guy who helped sneak the Elf Rogue and his siblings out the city all those years ago and was being played by the guy who used to be the Paladin) all travel out headed towards the Elf Rogue’s homeland. 

But we get to the border at a bridge, and the party finds themselves facing down some harpies, some marrows, and a water elemental. In the fight, Kyssarda casts silence to help against the siren song the harpies were singing. Which was mostly a good thing. The water elemental was something else though. It engulfed both Kyssarda and the Elf Rogue, and Kyssarda was down to 1 HP when the Leonin yanked her out. However, because of a REALLY unfortunate roll by the human pc to save from a drop into the river (rolled a 2 and had a minus 2 on the modifier), he was unconcious and drowning. And none of our characters knew because. y’know. Silence. He kept drowning as the fight went on. And he eventually got washed up on some rocks and could make one death save after two failed ones. And he failed. And we had no cleric, and besides... it was more than a minute before we found his body down river. 

And all of our characters felt terrible. Kyssarda has a tendency to take blame for things that maybe aren’t strictly her fault, so she definitely feels a weight of responsibility for complicated reasons. The Leonin expressed that he felt some level of responsibility as well, and also hesitation about going forward with the journey though some conversation between Kyssarda and him lead to him continuing on regardless. The Elf Rogue was pretty torn up about it. 

We got some Elf Rogue backstory that addresses the fact that he was royalty (which was something Kyssarda had thought about asking) and more explanation of what’s been going on with him and his connection to the land we’re heading towards. We run into a fey creature that was an old ally of the Elf Rogue and Teifling Paladin, and we agreed to help him.

Cue the session last night.

We go to get some stuff of his back from an Incubus/Succubus pair. And sh!t hit the fan. Our Elf Rogue rolled really high stealth and decided that was a fine reason to dive through the broken window. Meanwhile, we were going on this side-quest with a half-orc barbarian (played by the guy that’s usually the paladin and who had the first PC death of the game the session prior). And the Incubus and Succubus can each essentially mind-control people, or try to. And both our barbarian and our Leonin Blood Hunter failed their wisdom save and so our two biggest heavy hitters were mind-controlled by the enemy. THAT went about as well as you’d expect. 

Over the course of the fight, the Leonin went unconcious twice. Kyssarda once. The Elf Rogue twice. And the barbarian would have gone unconcious but thanks to relentless endurance, he was brought back to one HP. In fact, we reached a point towards the end where the Leonin, Kyssarda, and the Elf Rogue were all unconcious and our barbarian was the only one standing...at one HP. That’s when the incubus (we’d killed his mate by then) took the Elf Rogue’s sister and made a break for it. The barbarian brought me back first (because I was dying in acid and therefore automatically failing death saves). Then I brought back the Leonin and we got the Elf Rogue up too. We managed to chase down the Incubus and save the sister as well. but HOLE. EE. SH!T. Most terrifying, stressful D&D combat of my LIFE. Kyssarda came very, very close for two rounds to offering herself up as a willing victim/slave/whatever if they’d let her friends go. She didn’t because the tide was starting to turn by then in the fight but it was a ROLLERCOASTER.

Before we closed the session, we went back to that fey guy and got paid though Kyssarda stormed off kind of? She didn’t vibe with the guy because she almost lost her friends over his stupid book and she was shaken and upset. But she had a conversation with the Leonin at the end of the session just kinda... dealing with the trauma of the past few days in-game. It was actually a really nice moment. I think my favorite RP moment for Kyssarda so far. 

So yeah! If you read all of this, I’m surprised and touched. Heh. I literally love D&D so freaking much, and I’m especially attached to this party and this character... though her lack of self-preservation does have me starting to plan for another back-up character just in case. ^u^