#i know i'm really proud of myself though. i know i'm self-aware

[neuroticboyfriend]

I often feel like I dont have space to exist - physically. Even using the kitchen table to make art leaves me anxious, and I find myself hyper aware of how much space my supplies take up.

I kind of just accepted this as fact; I can't use the kitchen table because I take up too much space. But just now, the thought came to my head: ..why? I live here too, don't I? Where did this idea come from?

And then I remembered how my parents would get mad at me for making the table a mess. They'd tell me to clean up or move. I don't have any specific memory of it, but I know it happened. My (abusive) dad was probably worse with it.

That's the thing about parenting... A lot of parents don't realize how, even when their concerns are valid (obviously, no one likes a mess) taking a self-centered approach hurts their child and can cause them to internalize things like I did.

How would things have gone differently if instead of going "Clean up all this/move, or else. I don't want to deal with your shit all over the place" they'd gone "Hey, your art's coming out really good! I'm proud of you. I'm noticing though there's a lot of supplies on the table - can I help you organize it or put away things you don't need right now?" Or even just waited til I was done and helped me clean it after? It's not like there's a rush.

Would that have left me with the feeling that I don't deserve to take up space, not even for things that make me happy, because it inconveniences others? Or would I have felt my passion matters - that my parent just wants to help me do it better, and have us in a more comfortable, clean space?

If I don't feel like I can take up space anywhere, how deep does this go? How many times did something easily compassionately remedied get treated like a character flaw? Moreover, how many times did something that wasn't even an issue on my end get treated like one?

...It's just something to think about, and I thought I'd share this in case anyone else felt similarly. It's confusing feeling this way but it helps to be able to look back on the cause and realize it's not my fault.

[imtrashraccoon]

I like the interpretation that Phantom Papyrus actually exists but I also really like toying with the fact that Dust is clearly insane. You can decide for yourself if he's real or not.

@owl-bones

First Day, Previous Day, & Next Day.

Bad Sansuary: Dust - Haunted

Word Count: 1,256

Occasionally, you would witness Dust muttering to himself or fixating on a particular spot in the room for long periods of time. It mostly only happened on his bad days but you had pointedly ignored this behaviour as it probably wouldn't help him feel better if you randomly brought it up.

Today though, you were too curious to ignore it any longer. You really didn't want to offend him either though as it would be insensitive to just ask, right?

"what's the matter with you today? you're not usually this...jumpy."

You blinked in surprise and sharply glanced over at Dust, who was currently sitting lazily at your kitchen table for once. He raised a bonebrow and his mismatched eyelights flicked over you before settling on your face again.

Curse his incredible observation skills!

"Sorry, I was just thinking..."

"that's not good."

You huffed and planted your hands on your hips. "Wow... You must be so proud of yourself," you retorted with a heavy layer of sarcasm in your tone.

He grinned and let out a quiet "heh."

"so, what's on your mind?" he asked again.

You chewed your lower lip and picked at a loose thread on your shirt. "I... I don't want to make you upset. It's a bit of a silly question anyways..." you murmured.

His eyelights narrowed slightly in a skeptical way. "i doubt you could make me upset..."

"I really hope not..." you sighed. "Do you...do you regularly talk to yourself?"

Dust hummed quietly and tapped the table with his gloved fingers. He was silent for a few moments and seemed thoughtful.

"well i can see why you didn't want to ask..." he muttered.

"Yeah... But, you don't have to tell me if you don't want to! I shouldn't have even asked..."

He shrugged and waved you off. "no, i insisted...and i'm not upset either, okay?"

You nodded quietly and glanced down at your socks. This was just as awkward as you'd expected it would be. You wished you could crawl into a hole and never come out as long as you lived.

"i know i'm crazy and i know seemingly talking to myself makes me look worse. however, i'm sort of...haunted by my brother."

You stared at him for a moment, unsure of how to react to that information. "Is he like a ghost...?"

"phantom, he prefers the term phantom." Dust sighed and ran his hand over his face before adding, "i don't get why it matters but he likes the alliteration i guess..."

"He talks to you as well?"

"yeah... he gives me advice and keeps me company..." His voice was a lot quieter now and he couldn't seem to look at you for whatever reason.

"I see..." You glanced around the room but didn't notice anything out of the ordinary. While you could see why Dust had been hesitant to tell you as it really did make him look more than a little unhinged, you were surprised by how casually he'd spoken about it.

He acted as if this was a completely normal thing, and for a moment, you almost believed that he really could be haunted by a phantom of his brother. There were so many types of Monsters and there was so much you didn't know about them. Surely ghosts could exist too, right? Still, it was just too crazy to believe...

He was self aware enough to know how crazy it sounded and yet he had still chosen to tell you. He clearly trusted you to some degree if he was willing to be open about this. So, you decided to play along as it was the least you could do.

"What's your brother's name?" you asked.

Dust turned to you with a look of surprise on his skull. His eyelights flickered across your face, likely looking for any sign that you were weirded out by what he'd just told you.

"you're really something else..." he muttered under his breath. In a louder tone, he responded, "his name is papyrus."

At first you wondered if you'd heard him correctly. Axe had told you about his own brother fairly early into your friendship and you'd learned that his name was also Papyrus. Was it a common name among skeletons?

"Oh, that's interesting. Although, I remember that Axe's brother is also named Papyrus," you commented.

Dust's eye sockets widened and he got a look that practically screamed "oh crap..." He quickly tried to mask it a second later and shrugged.

"it's... you could say it's a common name i guess..."

You could tell he wasn't telling you the truth and raised an eyebrow skeptically.

He tried really hard to maintain a poker face but seemingly couldn't under your intense gaze. With a heavy sigh, he tugged his hood further over his skull and buried his face in his hands.

"sorry...i'd really rather not explain the actual reason behind that right now..."

You placed your hand on his shoulder in a comforting manner. "Hey... I'm not upset, but you don't need to lie to me, okay? I understand you and Axe aren't normal people. There's a lot of things he didn't really want to tell me too. I don't mind though, so long as it isn't something that will affect our friendship or hurt someone, okay?"

He nodded slowly but made no effort to respond.

Deciding to change the subject, you asked a different question. "Can Papyrus see or hear me right now?"

"yeah, he can..."

You glanced around the kitchen again but still couldn't see any sign of the Phantom Papyrus. "I wish I could actually see him face to face so we could communicate properly... Is he doing alright?" you asked quietly.

Dust shifted and you noticed his eyelights flickered to a spot just above your head. He stared intently for a few seconds before the corners of his smile quirked up slightly.

"heh... he says he's doing fine and thank you... also, that it would lovely if you could see him but it's not possible."

You looked up where Dust was focusing and then back to him again. The room felt colder all of the sudden...like there really was another presence that you couldn't see.

"You really care about him, don't you?" you asked in a soft voice.

Dust nodded and smiled at you. The corners of his eye sockets sort of crinkled and for a moment he looked like an entirely different person. Someone who in another life was happy.

"more than anything..." he answered.

You pulled out a chair and sat down next to him. "I wish I could say the same about my family, but I'm happy for you, buddy." You smiled and patted his shoulder affectionately.

He frowned slightly at the mention of your family. "i noticed you never seem to talk to them..."

"Yeah...we don't exactly see eye to eye you could say."

"i can't imagine anyone would."

You opened your mouth to answer before shutting it again. "Was that supposed to be a joke?" you hissed.

"depends, was it funny?"

"Not really."

"then it wasn't really a joke, bean."

You stared at him for several seconds in disbelief. "Are you okay? You've been uncharacteristically happy today..."

"kinda hard not to be when you're around," he hummed.

Was he flirting with you? Or were you just that bad at picking up social cues? There was no way he liked you to that extent!

"Well, in that case, I'm glad you're able to be happy. I like spending time with you, Dust."

[captainmera]

I've been reading your Tales of Caleb Wittebane story and honestly your grasp of 1600s America makes the worldbuilding very interesting. I admire your dedication to making it as accurate as you can!

omg THANK YOU!!! :DDDDDD <333333

I've done so much research--!! I know so much about Connecticut Hartford and the witch trials, and Pequots, you don't even know half of it.

As a non-american, I never thought I'd know this much about a state's history lol. For one, Connecticut has a whole museum dedicated to the history and culture of the Pequot tribal nation! Super fascinating check it out!

I think I've consumed every documentary available on youtube twice, as well as scraped sites like Wetherfield's historical society & Hartford museum's sources and recommendations, just to get the detail snippets up.

Both Wethersfield and Hartford are very obvious inspirations for Gravesfield! Considering they have so many similar things appearing in them. I mean, just look at Hartford's founder statue lol:

I did look into the work behind the costume designs for movies like VVITCH, Salem and Sleepy Hollow, just to consume the visual knowledge of what experts had to say about it. Y'know? :D Saves me the work to listen/read what experts have to say about it!

Looking into the witch trials too (which took place before Salem) is also very interesting! Though, Gravesfield is inspired by it, so I'm allowing myself some creative freedom. Especially in regard to what "witchcraft" happens. Considering, Evelyn is a real witch and her magic has an actual system behind it.

Matthew Hopkins was a real witch finder, which I believe Jacob is referencing. But in true Disney fashion, I changed his name to Anthony instead, so it isn't a ~real~ historical figure. :P

I like history, but my area of fascination is social culture. So a lot of what I dig into is everyday life, behaviour and objects, fashion and how things are used.

It's been particularly fun to look into Woodsmen and what their actual duties/lives were like! :D And right now I'm looking more into crime and punishment. Which is also a lot of fun!

I don't save all my sources because I just write down in my notebook of what is relevant for me and the story. So I won't say I'm a 100% accurate, but I'm like... a solid 70%??? Which is good enough for me! Heheh!

idk about you fam but history immerses me creatively. Because the more I find - like little objects and what they ate, wore, things like that - it makes me grounded and I can see it so much clearer what is happening and what SHOULD happen.

Like, when Evelyn meets Mr Hopkins and Caleb keeps elbowing her to be quiet. It's not in-text, because I want the reader to be mystified with Evelyn more in that scene; But she is not supposed to talk with Mr Hopkins so frankly. And, she responds to his "how do you do" incorrectly, she answers it! You're supposed to reply the same in return "How do you do." "How do you do." Which is what Caleb did!

So she's a weirdo! :D For me, that really helps me write Evelyn clashing and standing out more. And amplifies Caleb's nervousness of her strangeness by others. He is very self-aware of social status and position. Which she is not. So he is her perfect guide! :D

:DDDDD

Sorry I'm going off on a babble here but THANK YOU FOR NOTICING. I'm very proud of it! :D

[thaliafrais]

I have a question, I wonder what is the reaction of every 2winkP's when they saw Yuuta's hair grow and separated himself from Hinata. Did they feel happy? Sad? About the fact that they are becoming separated ofcourse. I mean, I remember having mixed feelings about that. I actually wrote a bunch of essays on what I felt about it. I mean... I really do become attached to their symmetrical features. The way they both look at each other as mirrors, and I know Hinata also felt that. Since he always loves the fact that they're twins. Though I know Yuuta wants to have his individuality himself, I'm not siding with Hinata here alright? I just love their similarities that much. I love their differences as well of course, but... I don't know what to feel really. I mean, I’ve become used to Yuuta's long hair now but, I remember forcing myself to be proud of that. I mean, not that much force but, y'know when the fact that Yuuta actually became himself? And it just keeps ongoing? In other stories as well, he's becoming more and more conscious when it comes to relying on his brother. But... does that also count as 'himself'? Or just another way to separate himself from his brother? Just like how Hinata changed his favorite color and food, and his whole ass personality. I know they were both aware that their symmetricals would fall apart someday. Actually it's falling apart now, but the fact that they're still switching and disguising with one another states that they're still symmetrical. But I really do feel devastated when Yuuta grows his hair (a lot actually) . I just said and made myself believe that this is it. There's no turn backs now right? He won't match his brother anymore. They're not little kids anymore. Is this how mothers feel when their kids are growing? Cause it's literally a mix feelings here. I feel proud of them when they gradually see their true self but at the same time, I miss the old one. I miss my babies!! Goodnight, I cried thinking about them.

[tobiasdrake]

Still venting about my mom but didn't want to take over OP's post any more than I already did. So this is just going to be a big ol' oversharing mess.

Seriously, though. My mom insists that she just recognizes my skills and I'd be a good fit for her company. But she has no idea what I do. Just that I'm good at computers.

The only thing she's ever been able to say about my abilities is that I "type fast, but not as fast as me, wink."

I type 119 wpm. This is a woman who needed me to come to her office once because "The window is supposed to be big. Like, the entire screen, big. But it's just this in this little window now. How do I make it big?"

No shame meant for people who aren't super experienced working in data. But I'm going to need some convincing before I believe that her repeated, insistent job offers are really because she understands the value of my work and not at all because I'm her kid.

During one of my refusals to come work for her, she once actually said to me, to my face, "Everybody has a price." No hint of irony or self-awareness at all.

When I started becoming more politically aware, I'd try to have conversations with her about the things I was learning. Because she was my mom, and I loved her.

As I spent more time living in the lower-class and got to know the experiences of being poor and listening to minority voices and exploring what it means to be neurodivergent and LGBT, I would bring what I was learning to the table. Because I was discovering things I never knew were there, and I thought she didn't know either. I thought she was as ignorant as I was discovering myself to be.

She was not. She had the typical conservative rhetoric in-hand to stamp down on everything I tried to share with her. Drugs. Crime. Welfare.

The day I gave up on her, the day I realized who she really was, was after Trump got elected. When she told me to my face that she voted for Trump because of a Hispanic family down the street that has a nicer truck than hers. "It's not fair, because those people don't have to pay taxes." So she wanted Trump to come in and deport them. For having a nice truck.

I don't even know if they're even immigrants. I don't think she knows either. I think it'd be pretty hard to afford an acre of land in rural America and a nicer truck than a rich white woman's if you were working undocumented migrant wages. So I'm like 80% sure she's racist-ing at documented American citizens.

And it's still not okay even if she's not.

That was the day I realized that she isn't just uneducated about these issues. She is a hateful bigot. She thinks civil rights are over because we solved feminism, the only civil rights cause that matters. And she thinks we solved feminism because she, personally, has a cushy job and plenty of wealth and can live on a horse ranch where she never has to see other human beings again.

My mom has always loved the idea of me. She's proud of having a son. Of being a mom. But we've never had any shared interests or activities. She's upset because she tried to get me into horses when I was a kid, and I didn't take to them.

She warned me when I was five that you shouldn't go behind the horse because it can kick your head clean off. And from that moment on, that's all I could think about any time I saw a horse. Dangerous animal can take my head right off. I did not enjoy any attempt she made to put me and horses in the same space.

And she's always kinda held that against me. That I didn't take interest in the activities she enjoyed, so we never had anything to connect over.

But like. I was a child. It was her responsibility to take interest in the things I cared about. Where was she when I was playing Power Rangers with my friends and getting into roller blading and learning that I loved writing and analyzing and dissecting media.

Where is she now when my family is struggling and all she has to say is, "I don't give handouts. But I do have this nepo-job for you if you're interested. Don't worry, it's because of your qualifications, I promise."

My mom has always wanted to love me. But only on her terms.

[phoenix-positivity]

12 april 2024

busy day. currently triggered. so why am I writing this then. good question. want to stay aware I guess. am dissociating. im overwhelmed. I'll put on a song I like. I tried grounding earlier and it worked but it was weird cause I think it wasn't me. whatever. got triggered outside. likely the smell. smell has been REALLY intense today. I think it must be pollen? I saw a lot of pollen floating around. i started dissociating outside. I used the grapefruit scent stick outside. At home I put on this one lotion I bought that has a cooling effect and smells strongly of menthol. I also had a sour candy. I hated it, it was so sour. I might put on the menthol again.

aye. youtube is autoplaying a song that makes me dissociate more..

no clue how much time passed but I'm back and more grounded I think?

apparently an hour has passed.

The song playing right now gives me so much strength and hope. It really hits my heart. ( A.C.E. - Callin' ) I don't know why but that song always gives me hope for the future. It's about self acceptance for me.

I'm so out of it. I think making this post has a purpose. I think I was going to go over my day.

My mother asked me to go for a walk with my grandma and I agreed. My grandma needs to practice walking. She has a walker I bought her but even with the walker she still struggles. My mother drove us to a location at the water. I recognized it from trauma memories. I didn't know we were going there and I hadn't been there for years. I didn't want to get out of the car at first but I didn't want to tell my mother and grandma why so I just got out reluctantly and told myself it was okay. There was also a strong scent of spring. A lot of memories resurfaced from seeing the location. Luckily the memories were pretty mild trauma (in terms of how I judge it for myself). I was extremely on edge that my abuser was going to be there. I was scanning my environment like crazy. Eventually I managed to be more calm. I focused more on the water and the boats and the wind and the smell of the water. There was also a lot of people walking their dogs. We went inside somewhere to have a drink and cake. I felt safe there. I had no memories inside that location.

I had set the goal for myself to have lunch in the city to do exposure there. Even though I did unexpected exposure already, I still wanted to proceed with my plan. I walked to the city choosing the most scary roads. I usually ask myself: 'which route brings me the most fear to walk?' and then I pick the one that scares me the most to challenge my fears. I felt proud of myself for the way I walked. I decided to not have lunch because it was rather late, but I did go to the lunch location to just walk around it. I did exposure at another store that really scares me. I managed to stay inside about 2 minutes. Then I walked the scary road back to the bus stop and took the bus home.

I'll have to take note of the resurfaced memories so I can maybe process them in therapy if they don't fade to the background again.

[horizon-verizon]

I'm a bit confused as to why some people say Rhaenyra idealized Visenya? Because she wore the same hairstyle and wanted to name her daughter after Visenya? I think Rhaenyra didn’t even know anything about Visenya’s hairstyle, it’s unlikely that she was told about it in the lessons, it was information for the author of asoiaf portraits.

Rhaenyra had no interest in martial arts (at least she didn’t practice it), she loved music, feasts, beautiful dresses and jewelry, courtship and handsome men, she loved being a mother and even though she married Daemon in the valyrian tradition, she still had some respect before the seven on personal level, otherwise she would not have forced her sons to swear solemn oaths upon a copy of The Seven-Pointed Star. It wasn't made for public, but for her peace of mind that they would be in safe. We know that Mysaria drove Rhaenyra crazy, so we can’t say how she felt about dark magic as a child, but I think she wasn't interesed in it anyway, but Visenya, as some said, dabbled in dark sorceries.

I think that she could associate herself in some way with Visenya, since she was the elder sister and she ruled the seven kingdoms almost on a par with her brother and had no less rights than he did (there is a whole huge theory that she actually ran everything, but it is not in english language), and the order of succession from this point was somewhat messy, but not more than that.

*EDITED POST* (1/5/24)

We know that she wore her hair like Visenya through the So Spake Martin site HERE. That is what anon refers to.

To be honest, when I first read F&B and GRRM's description of Rhaneyra and her love for Visenya, I wondered what she found so inspiring, not because Visenya is incapable of being inspiring to anyone, but because I didn't parse out the appeal.

But once you look at the Dance through a feminist lens AND just reread it, it became very obvious to the point that I felt like slapping myself.

A)

Why wouldn't Rhaenyra know about Visenya's braid? Visenya was literally one of the Queens who implemented a whole new institution that the Westerosi monarchy still has today: the Kingsuard.

She conquered parts of Westeros alongside her brother-husband.

She is the one who flew up the Vale (Rhaenyra's mother Aemma's home region, which Rhaenyra's sigil incorporates into her own war banner [look below]) and got Queen Sharra to surrender the Vale.

All of this is recorded as well as all 3 of the conquerors' appearances, which is the simplest and most trustworthy note one can see in a record because it is a basic observation. We do not really have the beginning of the excuse of appearance until later when Baelor I orders the burning of books at the Citadel, two generations after Rhaenyra.

Visenya saw herself as a protector of the Targ legacy/dynasty/family (as Daemon does) and Rhaenyra admires her for that as well as being a woman aware of and unapologetic about her own abilities and "oppositional" womanhood to the Andal ideal of subservient and demure womanhood. That singular purpose is compelling to Rhaenyra and people in the fandom because it is, as I said, unapologetic but also focused and passionate all at the same time. Visenya, ironically, takes on some traits of Andal knighthood that you and I know Rhaenyra admires: the warrior's devotion proven through the warrior's sword. Again, while being a woman (subversive)! She wasn't incompetent in politics, either, despite what people will say about her & Maegor--yes, Aenys was too weak for their needs!

It's an exciting & self-affirming thing to witness when you live in that sort of society.

Plus, Rhaenys dies young and Visenya, who outlives her AND their brother-husband, just gets to do more. There is more material for a young Rhaenyra to explore and find her inspiration/female role model.

It's not about "Oh, she was good with a sword" and finding superficial traits to relate to. Rhaenyra may have been proud, loved to dress up, and showed her status through clothes to assert her status in the face of those trying to reduce it and as just how aristocrats do, was "hyper femme", but her psychosocial development wasn't as simple as some like to think. And these traits and behaviors are not in themselves indicators of frivolity, stupidity, or inherent femininity & womanhood--the last so much as socially coded femininity and womanhood.

In the pool of people who prefer and admire Visenya over her sister Rhaenys, some of them are people who do not feel comfortable with the idea of using any sort of martial skills or violence. They might say to you that if they had been born in a medieval society, they would not want to pick up a sword and fight in battles or become someone's guardswomen/men even if they were able to. Or become a fencer or something. They'd probably think they'd be more scholars or politicians or spiritual/philosophical thinkers, artists, playwrights, or "reformers" if they went back in time.

But they admire Visenya over Rhaenys because Visenya is all of those things PLUS her self-confidence & blatant claim/use of power with no shame or trepidation that they wish they could access or have allowed for them--as Visenya comes from a lineage and culture that is less violent and restrictive against women than Andal culture. OR Visenys embody that spirit they have in themselves but prefer to direct into nonwarrior/militant pursuits.

Even with Valyrian culture/society not being as egalitarian about gender and sexuality as the Rhoynish culture. BUT she also is blatantly the type of person to fully take advantage of this background and live in her own power. She is the fulfillment of autonomous, competent, and powerful womanhood-subsumed-under-personhood.

B)

1.

You: "[...] she still had some respect before the seven on personal level, otherwise she would not have forced her sons to swear solemn oaths upon a copy of The Seven-Pointed Star. It wasn't made for public, but for her peace of mind that they would be in safe."

Even if Rhaenyra was publicly OR sincerely of the Faith as her father was, there is always going to be contention between faith in the Faith and being a Targ for her. All Alicent and other non-Targ women (noble or otherwise) have had since childhood--as a well of knowledge and guide to self-esteem or awareness--is the Faith and its teachings about gender, marriage, violence, motherhood, sexuality, etc.

Simultaneously, all noblewomen/royal women can exhibit more of an intellectual remove from the Faith's ideologies as absolute, sincere "truths" of reality than common-born women, because as noble women, they are more complicit and active in the machinations or politics that their male relatives and spouses lead. Or they advise them.. Or they themselves lead projects, wars, etc either not long after obtaining power or/and learning from thise male relatives' actions or their private observations. (post by mononijikayu) :

it is within the narrative to say that both in the east and in the west, power derives from the familial structure and that women were the leading figures that maintained these close, familial ties—from marriage, blood ties, and even friendships. these structures of close power proximity in early medieval life tell us that women are trusted with the growth of their family’s influence. mothers and wives advising the men around them are lauded because they speak to determine what’s best for the family. it is why we see women like olga of kiev influence her son in terms of policies that allowed religious freedom and goodwill with other christian nations that surrounded the territory of rus to flourish and develop. this was seen as a means to further what rus is and the standing of her own family within the state they governed.

Either way, these witness with their own eyes that their authorities or other adults (parents, older siblings, cousins, etc., even some maesters) understand, shape, and define the contours of power and identity and learn their methods. They'd definitely learn how those with power, or seeking it, use and twist the Faith's teachings for their own use. Thereby disillusioning, revealing, or making them sense of the Faith's teachings AS inventions instead of absolute truths...to some. Women of this class can see religion as a political tool in itself, just as Cersei and Jaehaerys I do. This doesn't mean that many will not continue to believe in the actual religion, though, as with Alicent or Catelyn or Brienne.

Rhaenyra herself has her sons swear by the book before their envoy missions yes. None of this actually means that she was as devoted to the religion as Alysanne or Alicent. Nor does it mean that she didn't see how the institution subtly and unsubtly has in the past, continues to in the present, and will continue to undermine her & her family's overall right to rule in the future. Because again, its teachings are very anti-female rulership, anti-dragons, and at its cultural-historical core, anti-Targ. It is rather her acknowledging & using the Faith's influence in the psychosocial framework of her society & family to inspire her sons to take their mission seriously and follow her directions. If only to compel them to show how well they take oaths/the Faith seriously to any/all who witnessed this swearing for both her sons, her own, & their entire section of the family's reputation. Kill two birds with one stone.

Visenya takes it upon herself to publicly (no sneaking around or attempt at subtlety over a decade or so, like Alicent, which isn't the superior tactic, it's just circumstance & resources) crown her son over her sibling's grandson and consistently vocalize her disapproval of Aenys' actions regarding the Faith, itself and institution that Rhaenyra would have had experienced supplying the rhetoric and rationale for why she shouldn't rule as a woman. There is a certain release of inner tension or stress just seeing & imagining that an admired past family relative also sees & treats the Faith as a threat specifically to them AS WELL AS to the dynasty. See how they dealt with them, learning from them & their successes or mistakes. It's very personal and intimate, this connecting.

2.

The Faith religion--as opposed to the institution, but eh--and a lot of its teachings cannot be fully eradicated w/o eradicating the sociopolitical system of feudalism as they know it because the Andals came and assimilated into FM culture or conquered swathes of "Westerosi" lands way, way before the conquerors actually set their eyes on Westeros. It is inside the psychological/sociopolitical framework of the "Westerosi" society even when they were separate kingdoms, like the proto-English kingdoms of Mercia, Northumbria, East Anglia, etc. all sharing a specific religion and various Anglo-Saxon practices and ideals, yet simultaneously warring against each other for years.

The Faith institution--meaning its Septons and its hierarchy & cultural authority--has always been the main antagonizer of the Targs and their rival for dominance over Westerosi culture and society. As I said before, Rhaenyra herself grew up expecting to rule and had always felt she deserved to rule and continue her family's legacy.

In order to rule Westeros, the Targs basically decided to capitulate some. Though they had dragons and won the war, to actually rule a conquered place with many grumbling and possibly vengeful people and expect to maintain a dynasty for many generations, one has to have a stabler base while diminishing as much as possible the use of violence. Again, once one has already used violence and warfare to conquer said regions.

Maegor's battles with the Warrior's Sons and Poor Fellows were too direct an attack against the Faith and were seen as him being tyrannical. He flouted political monogamy and didn't even try to use subtler tactics to destabilize the Faith's/High Septon's word and acclimate the Westerosi public to his marriages + suppress the lesser backlash so he could be safer/freer to marry more than once. Jaehaerys I created a sort of compromise with the Faith through his use of several septons and septas to spread the Doctrine of Exceptionalism after Maegor's death and his own troubles with the Faith. AND by affirming male primogeniture both inside his family and in the public event of the GC of 101. Yet NEITHER of these men thought of ways or thought it worth it to try to think of ways to both destabilize the Faith AND incorporate women into their plans or seek to make their female relatives their partners. Trying to make use of the growingly smaller and smaller window of opportunity the conquerors opened for female leadership by working with their female relatives to gain more agency or ceding power to them to diminish the sense of female unfitness to rule. Rather, they even thought to suppress female leadership and personal agency as much as possible for their own claims.

The problem with that was now the Targs had a much smaller pool of possibly capable candidates for rulership and it encouraged resentment, emotional disconnection, misunderstandings of character or perception, & further abuse--which breeds disunity, internal distrust, and infighting.

How can you sit and think of ways to consolidate power for your house (or do it with full confidence and therefore produce more, innovative ideas) if you know or suspect that you will be ignored sidelined, or abused for doing exactly that? Not every girl/woman can continue to fight and resist such an uphill battle, and really that is what misogyny hopes for, and works toward. If most of what you think/feel from childhood (or what you experience) into adulthood is how your father, brother, sons, etc. wronged you--or if you realize even later in life all this and you contend with them as Rhaena and Alysanne did--then how can you really want to fully think about ways to be an untied front that collaborates together for the better of the entire house/family/unit?

We even see how much better it would have been for ALL women and children if Alysanne had just been as able as Visenya and Rhaenys to pass laws (and have them stick): the water in KL, girls being allowed into the Citadel, the abolishment of the right of first night and women's courts. To exclude and abuse nearly half of your population of the house is actually idiotic and unpragmatic. It comes back to bite eventually because no one/group can take constant oppression for very long, even if it takes a couple of generations (slavery rebellions, and not just in the U.S.). Yes, she manages to get Jaehaerys to agree by persistence...but again, is it really entirely her fault that her brother-husband didn't care about her ideas until she had to force him to listen, or have Septon Barth back her up?!

And Daemon and Viserys no doubt loved each other, but Viserys distrusted his own brother by:

not understanding Daemon's aims when he "acted out", seeing them as just rebellious/threatening to his own authority

thinking he had to please and make those outside of the family and mimicking Jaehaerys' policy of conciliation through his parties; displays of wealth and prosperity (that Alysanne and Jaehaerys are actually responsible for); and sticking his fingers into his ears when true conflict erupted between his family members

While he did confirm her position as the heir to the throne multiple times in the boo AND have Rhaenyra listen in on council meetings as she served as his exclusive cupbearer so she could familiarize herself and learn some ways a ruler can address and organize sociopolitical/economic needs, he also refused to:

stop impregnating Alicent. One boy wasn't enough for man to have AND a worry for Rhaenyra, his own chosen heir?! It's giving Rogar Baratheon and Alyssa Baratheon.

keep Otto out of the council

directly address the anger, entitlement, and plotting Alicent, her kids, and her faction had (and I say he knew that she was plotting at some level bc he himself said that Alicent only wanted Aegon to marry Rhaenyra so Aegon could be closer to having the throne)

not marry Rhaenyra off to a gay man instead of vowing to have her children with someone else marry a Velaryon or Velaryon scion

actually, make use of his brother and what he's capable of (that protectiveness he displayed at the GC), and marry him to his daughter to both make Daemon even more devoted to Rhaneyra's cause--bc if you truly think that he would undermine her or yourself, what better way to reduce that than by marrying her to him when you decide she is marriageable--AND working towards reinforcing her authority over his own before you die?! If you/he actually thought Daemons' actions were so rebellious instead of coming from feelings of disrespect?

ETC.

The point is that between brothers/two men we see how a refusal to listen to another in the family can affect a family. How much more when one of the parties is an abused or sidelined woman? And generation after generation who themselves are reading the long history of this fact as Dany has her entire Targ legacy back in Essos?! How does that affect a young Targ girl-older woman, to internalize the whittling of their agency & to not be able to dream bigger for themselves other than select roles of mother-wife-dowager?

C)

You: "We know that Mysaria drove Rhaenyra crazy, so we can’t say how she felt about dark magic as a child, but I think she wasn't interesed in it anyway, but Visenya, as some said, dabbled in dark sorceries."

Mysaria didn't drive Rhaenyra into her entire spiel of "madness"--which was not really "madness" but grief, elitism, and paranoia making her default to extreme self-defense. Rhaenyra had no known or recorded delusions or hallucinations and she was fully aware of her surroundings, she didn't perform absurd displays of cruelty. (If there were hallucinations like with Aerys--plus with how she is a woman and this text seeks to undermine her for it--they definitely would have found evidence of her going through that and emphasized or exaggerated it to make a point.)

Later-Rhaenyra is still not on par with Aerys II, who was actually driven slowly so mad from paranoia that he wanted to use wildfyre to destroy KL, had elaborate executions to mutilate people or drew out their pain and humiliated them before death with and without said substance, wasn't fully aware of how others perceived him and his appearance, was so out of it that he let his nails & hair grow too long, etc.

Mysaria gives her false information and triggers her final paranoid act, directing her already existing paranoia to Nettles & Daemon. But she does not inspire the actual paranoia. That came from the betrayal of Hugh and Ulf, the betrayal of the council people at the green council, her children's violent and painful deaths, the suddenness of her father's death compounded with her need to immediately answer the greens (inability to properly mourn him), the greens' usurpation, etc. One not taking long to follow the others.

And as I said above, actual magic and Rhaenyra's interest or disinterest in it had nothing to do with her admiration for Visenya. There isn't even any indication that Rhaenyra was interested in magic for herself, her accusations of magic against Nettles was purely driven by her desire to claim back some power she thought she lost.

Of course, none of this proves that she was totally against the Faith or was atheist or agnostic. What it indicates, however, is that she was not as devoted to, deferential of, or "respectful" of the religion as you may suspect.

[cemetery-drive-sys]

I'm anon who asked you about how you came to find out about your system and how they sound like. I have another thing to ask as well. There is one of the things that keeps me in denial about all of the research I've done despite particularly relating to a lot of OSDD/P-DID systems experiences (i.e: passive influence, thought insertion kinda like we discussed about different things to say to outter world friends, feeling like a different version of yourself over time like as if it's like putting a costume on, etc) but whenever I do that i am zoned out having a scenario in my head and they're like I have these convos with non existent people but at the same time it feels like someone "metaphorically" there. I would say we/us and there were two times that I found that I was doing it without subconsciously aware of it and it bothered me but I just continued doing it as I couldn't stop referring myself that way even though i did it interchangeably. I can't really just "force" a conversation or ask them anything. The conversation will just come out of no where and we engage but I have no control in that so I guess that's one way? It's hard to go by the tips people give on increasing communication because how is that like? Is it like spewing out words that you didn't even think for a second to formulate and it just comes out? I've had that sometimes and it questions about certain situations during conversations I had with people because two weeks ago I felt like I was present in my own world (being in my head) but being present in the real world as I was talking to my psych nurse about my dissociation and still feeling denial about not resonating on some things of the "over all" picture of plurality because it isn't what is commonly presented in most systems.

You don't have to answer this ofc, I've been asking a lot of systems on their experiences while I'm still researching. I am looking into the haunted self and coping with trauma related dissociation books and the examples they give relates to a lot about myself.

That happens to us a lot as well, insys communication can be hard for a lot of systems, especially those in denial. With thing like this, I've learned that the "overall picture" isn't usually the most common experience, everyone's is gonna be different and not everyone will fit into those boxes. Weve experienced a lot of the same things you're describing so from what I think you could definitely be a sys, but then again I don't know you personally. I'm proud of you for doing research and asking questions to multiple systems, because like I said everyone's experience is different.

Sorry if this doesn't make a lot of sense I'm kind of eepy and my brain isn't really braining

-🕸️, ???

(ps. if you wanna have more actual like conversations about this then feel free to dm me on discord (@.labyrinthine.) or on here :3 /nf/sug)

[ifidiedinadream]

I got curious and read the interview you and anon were talking about. And now I really wanna take all alcohol away from Joel. Of course I don’t know what he is really going through and I don’t want to speculate about it. ( I’m just a worried Joel girlie tm) But I also grew up with an alcoholic parent, so some things he said and talked about (also in previous interviews) were a bit alarming to me.

I hope he gets all the help and support he might need and that he doesn’t fall back into bad habits once tour arrives. I'm proud of him for wanting things to change though and being so self aware and willing to do something about it. He sure deserves some forehead kisses and hugs for it ❤️‍🩹(Joonas pls deliver those to him!)

as a former alcoholic myself i understand your concern very well and im worried too. however he's displaying a level of self awareness i didn't have and it makes me hopeful. i hope everything will turn out fine 🩷🩷🩷

[bloodyknucklesforme]

Sauvignon Blanc | Guest Check

Tags: Nina first person POV train of consciousness, suicidal thoughts, self harm, substance abuse, it's a heavy one, sorry

The year I was born was the year that the government made it so that paracetamol had to be sold in blister packs rather than bottles. It was meant to prevent suicides as opening up individual packs was harder and gave a person more time to think. I want nothing more than to kill myself every time I have to dig my nail in to pop the foil but whatever. It worked, at least from what I've been told, never bothered to actually look it up.

Paracetamol poisoning is lousy fucking way to go anyways. Very English to choose a slow and miserable death. On par with the other preferred, yet slow, method of alcoholism. Nothing beats a destroyed liver and kidneys, I suppose.

I decided years ago how I'd kill myself. I won't mention it here in case someone gets nosy and gets me sectioned. It's not something I dwell on, but it feels like a back up plan, I guess. Like how some women have a secret cash fund in case their boyfriend beats them, I have my suicide plan.

I don't want to kill myself. More out of not wanting to hurt Kyle than anything else. It also seems like too much work most days. Why kill myself when I can drink a bottle of wine and curl up in bed?

There are rough days.

Like a spring is being compressed inside me and one day it'll release in some violent display against myself. I have to gently release the pressure. Always quietly. Always invisibly. Fear of my father trumped all other emotions growing up.

Plucking body hair (avoid the face!) and skin picking and scratching (avoid face and hands!) being two particular favorites of mine. One pair of tweezers can reliably do both. Sit in the tub to clean away any hair, skin or blood. Come out and present myself like the glossy, red eyed girl I am.

It's my biggest secret, strangely proud of that. Kyle doesn't know, despite once walking in on me aggressively plucking arm pit hair out (Do you not own a razor, you weirdo?). Growing up in the early era of "mental health awareness" that hammered in this behavior was not done for attention. That only made me feel worse as a teen, who fantasied whole heartedly about her father walking in on her, razor in hand, who would then fall to his knees and sob out apologies for not paying enough attention to her to notice. I never good at getting his attention in the first place so feeling like it was faux pas only increased my covert skills.

None of that helps with the post pain shame. The patheticness of it all. If I was a man I could simply punch a whole in the wall and break my fist. I don't want any more pity. My family is already dead.

Everyone looks at me different now. i try to act like it doesn't bother me and most of the time it doesn't. I'm not really friends with the rest of the staff at work.

It's Kyle though. Twenty odd years of friendship and he looks at me differently. I don't know if its pity or something else but I hate it. It's like he gets sad looking at me. I don't want to be that. Sex was never rough rough but now its like he doesn't want to break me, like he's afraid to touch me.

We broke up. I couldn't fucking do it. It was like chewing glass.

The only person who doesn't look at me differently, abiet he rarely looks at me at all, is Simon. Maybe it's why I let him take me home and basically give him free reign.

I don't have to think about it. I don't have to worry about him telling me he loves me. I don't have to worry about disappointing him. It might be because he doesn't actually like me so nothing I do will make him think less of me. I can just lay there. He does the work to make me cum and that's it. Wears a condom without complaint too.

It's easy.

He doesn't stay the night, which is fine, I can just enjoy myself with a bottle of wine in bed.

Tag List: @queen-ilmaree@macravishedbymactavish@gogh-with-the-flow@water-bearz @pvssytrux

[vivian-at-home]

OOTD

tldr: pushing boundaries, did some shopping for cheap chic, and thanking friends

I am really pushing boundaries lately with some androgynous bits here and some outright girly bits there. I am also growing my hair out, and I'm going to get one of those laser things because research tells me that's the way to go. I am trying to get a referral to the clinic from my doctor because the last time it got derailed by COVID.

I am daring to do things I never would before; like shopping openly in the ladies department, keeping my nails painted, wearing pinks and pastels and neutrals, more form fitting clothing. Nothing exotic at all, just exactly what other ladies my age wear (assuming they still have a body as hot as mine lol). Nice tight butt lifting jeans, Doc Marten boots and other androgynous shoes like grey slip on runners, henley shirts, anything girly I can get away with. I have a couple of new skirts coming and I can't wait to try them out, I also got a couple of new pushup bras that nothing is gonna hide that I might have to wait to try out lol, unless it's under a winter coat or baggy hoodie 😳 Trying to conciously wear a bra every day, even to work. Gradually replacing all my boxer briefs with those ridiculously comfy and flattering boy shorts, wearing the standard black and white check coat with poofy hoodies, my pink camo beanie for the coming cold, etc. I am just wearing what I want to wear, and if that's a pearl necklace and LBD with leggings, that's what I am wearing. 🌈

Please consider I'm not 'out' to any extant at all (just to my siblings and mother and a couple friends), but I have found that pretty much no matter where I go, no one really bats an eye, so I just keep pushing those edges. Even in my former male life I was a bit of a fashion whore, always trying new styles but trying to be classy and elegant, so now as a woman, with the massive range of stylish colourful comfortable flattering and yes sexy clothing to choose from, I am an artist with a whole new pallette. Or maybe a kid in a candy store lol.

I am also well aware that I might be a lot more out than I think at work, and no one said anything, I mean girls notice things just as much as guys do, but it doesn't exactly frighten me to push edges when no one says anything amiright. Some girls look at me funny now though, not a bad thing, they smile differently, something I have noticed that is really distinctive . . . 🤭 girls that never talked to me, especially younger ones, now do . . . it's still fearful baby steps though, but HRT is the moving walkway, and I am very close

I really need to learn how to do makeup better, and maybe not walk like a guy with places to go, rather more like a window shopping lady; and a few other things, but I guess what I am trying to say is that I am doing what my mother always taught me, to have the courage of my convictions. Some might say I am far too old, or worse yet a pretender, and it shames me to say I sometimes feel that way because I didn't pursue this long ago when I realized who I am, but I am proud of who I am today, and excited about where I am going, and dressing the part in public is now becoming an important part of that. I am nowhere near as far along as many people here, not even on HRT and not even close to living life as a woman, but one day soon . . . . I'm just so tired of living like people expect me to rather than how I want to portray myself. 💪 So damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead . . .

I want to thank all the friends here who have encouraged and inspired me to be my true self, your support and bravery means more than you know ❤ @crossdresserica @beingjamielynn @gymbunnycandiehart @livemyalter @becoming-who-ive-always-been @gladtobeagirl @jonextsteps @cd-christamae @cd-sherri

[betweenthings2]

could you do 18 & 21 from the cuddle prompts <3

Thank you for the ask!! All the prompt lists on my blog are tagged as 'prompts' and my inbox is always open!

18. Holding and cradling their face to study it, perhaps noticing something new. Something else to love and 21. “Do you want me to hold you closer?” “No that’s not it, ugh—I just want to curl up inside you. Is that weird?”

18. Holding and cradling their face to study it, perhaps noticing something new. Something else to love.

Matty wakes from his nap in their hotel room to George running fingers through his hair. It's nice and Matty is half tempted to let it lull him back to sleep. He's not tired anymore, though, and he'd mostly rather be awake to experience this quiet little bit of happiness and closeness.

"Good morning," George murmurs, half teasing, when he realizes that Matty is awake.

"How long was I asleep?" Matty asks, pressing himself a little closer to George.

"Hour and half? We're supposed to meet everyone for dinner soon."

Matty groans. "Why'd we agree to that?"

"'cause it'll be nice?" George offers.

"This is nice," Matty counters. "Room service and a spliff would be nice. Getting up is not nice."

"Should I say you don't feel up to it?" George offers, concern lacing his voice.

Matty shakes his head. "'m just bein' dramatic."

George chuckles. "At least you're self aware."

Matty hums and grumbles, "Turns out therapy is good for something."

"Matty," George sighs.

Matty presses a kiss to George's bare chest, and says, "I'm not wrong."

George combs his fingers through Matty's hair again and says, "You're not wrong, but I kind of don't think that's the point."

"The point is whatever I decide the point is," is Matty's counterpoint. He pauses, then says, "Actually, the point is to hate myself a little less, but self awareness is good enough, I guess."

"Matty," George repeats, a little bit sadder this time.

"Don't say my name like that," Matty protests, "like I'm some kind of tragic mess. I'm not. I'm ok."

"I don't think that," George murmurs.

"I know," Matty responds. "Kinda sounded like it though."

"Sorry, love," George offers. "You're not a tragic mess. Tragic is the last word I'd use to describe you. I'm proud of you and I love you."

"Oh, so you think I'm a mess?" Matty asks, voice a little brighter.

George can't help but laugh. "You're kind of a mess sometimes, let's be honest."

"Thank you, George, that's exactly what I wanted to hear."

George combs his fingers through Matty's curls again and says, "I love your mess. You wouldn't be you if you weren't a mess sometimes."

Matty presses another kiss to George's chest, this one a little bit closer to his collarbone, and quietly says, "I love you, too."

Quiet falls over the room for a few minutes after that, quiet breathing the only sound in the room until George's phone buzzes. They both try to ignore it, but then Matty's phone buzzes.

"We really should get up," George murmurs.

Matty makes a discontented sound, but he sits up, pushing curls out of his face, then clamors out of bed. George gets up, too, sitting on the edge of the bed, but Matty crowds into his space before he can stand up, kneeling on the edge of the bed so he can straddle George's lap and crossing his wrists behind George's neck.

"We're not going to make it to dinner if you don't move," George warns, wrapping and arm around Matty's waist. "We're gonna have to tell the guys that we missed dinner 'cause I was busy fucking you."

"You promise?" Matty pushes, leaning down for a kiss.

George chuckles. "We’ll never live it down," he warns.

"The funny thing," Matty murmurs, "is that I don't really care."

"You are incorrigible," George counters. "Absolutely incorrigible."

Matty takes one hand and cups George's jaw carefully, studying him intently, all big brown eyes and adoration. For a moment Matty thinks up an image of the George he met all those years ago, then of the teenage George he fell in love with and compares them to the George in front of him now. They've both gotten older, Matty knows, hell, he's begun to find grey hairs in his own dark hair, but he can't think of George as having gotten older, not in the way that he thinks of himself as having gotten older, or his parents as having gotten older. George is a constant, Matty thinks, even though there's stubble under his palm now and there wasn't the first time he touched George like this.

"You're staring," George says after a few moments.

Matty nods. "I've got a good view."

George ducks his head, like he's suddenly shy, and says, "Flatterer."

Matty urges his chin up and goes in for another kiss, this one a little longer and deeper. When they separate, he rests his forehead against George's and murmurs, "I love you. I adore you. And I keep thinkin' 'bout, uh, time, I guess, and how you're this, like, constant in my life, and I know I've gotten older, right, sometimes I look fucking old, but every time I look at you, 's like we're 24 again." Matty pauses, then, "I dunno, time is weird. I don't think any of that made sense, but I love you."

"It sorta made sense," George responds. "And I love you, too."

----

21. “Do you want me to hold you closer?” “No that’s not it, ugh—I just want to curl up inside you. Is that weird?”

Matty has slowly been getting closer to George all evening. He'd pushed his chair just a little closer to George when they sat down for dinner and stood a little closer when they did the dishes. They'd put on a film after dinner and Matty had made himself comfortable on one end of the couch, so George took the other. At first, they were next to each other on the couch, then they were very close to each other on the couch, then George got up to go search for weed, and when he'd come back, Matty had closed the space between them, pressing their thighs together. Then Matty leaned against him, solid and warm, so George draped his arm around Matty's shoulders. Matty took that as an invitation to hook his thigh over George's and lean a little heavier.

Finally, George pulls Matty half into his lap half-annoyed and saying, "You can have things you want, you know."

Matty smiles and rests his head against George's chest. "'s hot when you get frustrated and physical with me."

"Yeah, alright," George agrees.

"'s true," Matty protests.

"Watch the film, Matthew," George says, doing his best to sound firm.

"See, 's hot when you try to tell me what to do, too," Matty murmurs. "'s also hot when you call me Matthew."

"What are you trying to do, love?" George asks, voice low.

"Nothin', really," Matty admits. "Just wanna be close."

"Close I can do," George agrees, urging Matty to be more firmly in his lap.

Matty settles after that, done with his search for closeness and contact, resting his head on George's shoulder. He doesn't watch the film, just closes his eyes and relaxes, feeling the gentle rise and fall of George's chest and the steady beating of his heart. By the time the climax of the film rolls around, though, Matty has lost his ability to sit still, shifting like he's trying to get even closer to George.

Frustrated, George lights a joint and passes it to Matty like he can will him to relax. Matty accepts it, stilling long enough to take a drag and exhale smoke, before he's trying to burrow closer and passing it back.

"D'ya want me to hold you closer?" George asks, ignoring the fact that they're about as close as two people can be.

Matty shakes his head. "No, that's not it," he pauses, then, "ugh, I just want to curl up inside you. Is that weird?"

"A little bit," George admits, "but it's in, like, the bottom half of weird things you've said to me."

Matty pouts and takes the joint from between George's fingers, saying, "Give me that. You can't be a dick and have the joint."

"I think that was honest, Matty," George responds, but he makes no move to take the joint back, just watches Matty take a drag.

"One and the same," Matty counters. "'s one and the fucking same."

George huffs a laugh and takes the joint back, saying, "Whatever you say."

"See, that's how you were supposed to react in the beginning. You're not supposed to tell me 's weird that I wanna be close to you."

"You said you wanted to curl up inside me," George corrects.

Matty huffs and takes the joint back, but he doesn't continue arguing, just says, "Doesn't mean you're not being a dick," and takes a drag.

George presses a kiss to Matty's temple and says, "Please accept my deepest apologies, then."

"That is an inauthentic apology, George," Matty says, faux serious.

George wraps his arm around Matty a little tighter and murmurs, “I love you so much."

"Love you more," Matty responds.

George takes the joint back and murmurs, "You're impossible."

"I love you. More than anything. I, like, if we could be one," Matty laces his fingers together, "thing, I'd do it. Sometimes, when we're not together, it's, like, physically painful," he admits. "Sounds co-dependent, I know, but, I just, I want to be closer."

"I love you, too," George murmurs, "and I get it. I do." He moves his hand it's under Matty's shirt, skin to skin, and repeats, "I get it. I get, uh, closer."

[mariana-oconnor]

Black Peter pt 1

Haven't heard of this one either. Let's hope that's down to the fact it's a later story and not because it isn't popular anymore because of *looks at title* reasons.

I have never known my friend to be in better form, both mental and physical, than in the year '95.

Watson does keep waxing poetic about the year 1895. Must have been an epic year.

Holmes, however, like all great artists, lived for his art's sake, and, save in the case of the Duke of Holdernesse, I have seldom known him claim any large reward for his inestimable services.

Do we know the Duke of Holdernesse? I don't remember his name. How rude was he to Holmes that Holmes took his money? I feel like that must be arsehole tax.

So unworldly was he—or so capricious—that he frequently refused his help to the powerful and wealthy where the problem made no appeal to his sympathies...

More evidence for the Sherlock Holmes hates the rich theory. It's not that he's unworldly or capricious, Watson, it's that usually they're the bad guys (please see King of Bohemia). Not to put modern biases on a historical fictional character or anything.

down to his arrest of Wilson, the notorious canary-trainer

What did he train the canaries to do?

Was it, like, an entire hoard of pickpocketing birds?

Did they murder people for him? What?

Google tells me it might have been a euphemism for brothel-keeper. Or a singing teacher. So... honestly that story could go any number of ways. I think I'll stick to actual canaries, though. Probably in Canary Wharf.

During the first week of July my friend had been absent so often and so long from our lodgings that I knew he had something on hand. The fact that several rough-looking men called during that time and inquired for Captain Basil...

Watson pining at home while Holmes is out with rough-looking men and having them call him Captain...

...made me understand that Holmes was working somewhere under one of the numerous disguises and names with which he concealed his own formidable identity.

Honestly, I feel like this is character development. Before Watson would have just been 'Holmes is away' and 'Who is Captain Basil?', two entirely separate lines of thought. Now he has connected the dots. Proud of you, buddy!

...he strode into the room, his hat upon his head and a huge barbed-headed spear tucked like an umbrella under his arm.

“If you could have looked into Allardyce's back shop you would have seen a dead pig swung from a hook in the ceiling, and a gentleman in his shirt-sleeves furiously stabbing at it with this weapon. I was that energetic person, and I have satisfied myself that by no exertion of my strength can I transfix the pig with a single blow."

Everyone needs a hobby.

I recognised him at once as Stanley Hopkins, a young police inspector for whose future Holmes had high hopes...

Oh hai, Hopkins!

"However, my friend Dr. Watson knows nothing of this matter, and I should be none the worse for hearing the sequence of events once more."

For the sake of Watson and us, the invisible audience, please to be info-dumping exposition policeman!

"In 1883 he commanded the steam sealer Sea Unicorn, of Dundee."

"He has been known to drive his wife and his daughter out of doors in the middle of the night, and flog them through the park until the whole village outside the gates was aroused by their screams."

Can't say I'm entirely sorry Captain Carey is dead. In fact, maybe just chalk this up as self-inflicted and leave it at that. Whoever did it probably had a good reason.

However, the nickname doesn't seem to really be racist, so that's better than it could have been. Swarthy, as far as I'm aware, refers to tanned/weather beaten skin usually, which makes sense for a longtime sailor.

"He had built himself a wooden outhouse—he always called it ‘the cabin’—a few hundred yards from his house, and it was here that he slept every night. It was a little, single-roomed hut, sixteen feet by ten."

The original man cave?

The description of him is not crying out the sort of man who would keep tobacco on hand just in case his friends wanted some. It's not crying out the sort of man who has friends, for a start.

“Exactly, Mr. Holmes. I appreciated that point, and I conjectured that it was dropped by the murderer in his hurried flight. It lay near the door.”

Hopkins really is the smartest of the police officers we've met. And I still haven't noticed Watson comparing him to an animal.

So we have a terrible man killed by a harpoon in his man cave and no one noticed for ages because no one wanted to talk to him. I'm kind of hoping that all the women were in on it and they just... harpooned him together.

[whiskersz]

Hi, if it's ok, I would like a Hazbin Hotel matchup, please?

I'm a nineteen years old bi-ace AFAB (She/they pronouns) with a preference for women, kinda short (5'2 I think, it's 158 cm anyway), I usually like to wear button up shirts with sweaters, generally really large ones, but my favourite piece of clothing is a very long jeans jacket full of patches and pins; I occasionally also wear T-shirts, but mostly if they're baggy enough.

I also have kind of callous fingers, because I play violin, though I'm not sure whether this might be important.

Anyway, my friends describe me as an introvert that becomes pretty crazy when opens up, I also really like doing dad jokes.

I don't talk much, I prefer to listen (also because I worry about annoying people and being made fun of), and I struggle a lot with self worth, like, I often don't like myself much, and I always feel like I'm out of context with how I talk or interact.

I also have the physical strenght of a noodle, but I love giving and receiving hugs, or, well, simple physical contact is just so nice.

I really like writing, reading and drawing, or just chill and listen to someone else talking, I also really like books, TV series (especially cartoons) and musicals, and, lately, I've picked up baking.

I don't really like playing the violin, or doing physical activities, and being put at the centre of attention makes me feel very uncomfortable; I'm also not very confrontational, so I have a tendency not to discuss unless prompted to; another ick are loud noises and rough textures in clothing.

So...

Yes :)

Bye

Hey there! Of course it’s okay :)) Let’s see...

You were pretty easy to match with someone, for me! I feel like you would work perfectly with...

Charlie!

While you’re more on the introverted side, Charlie is much more extroverted; she’s awesome at getting people to open up, her sweetness and cheerfulness are contagious! She absolutely loves your crazy side though, laughing at each and every joke that you make, and she’s also very proud of you when you eventually manage to open up with her friends at the Hotel.

She would do literally anything for you, which obviously includes reminding you every day of how worthy of love you are. Since you love physical contact and she does too, you guys make a little promise in your heads of giving each other at least a hug every day, and the fact that this never changes and that none of you two breaks the promise throughout your relationship is very sweet!

As I mentioned, Charlie thinks you’re amazing, so every once in a while she prepares a little surprise for you in your shared bedroom since she knows you tend to struggle with self worth; she gets the bed all cosy, prepares a TV series or two since she knows you love them, and a couple snacks for you to chew on as you watch. Or, she gets you something that she knows you will appreciate, like new baking or art supplies, and writes a little note where she reminds you how amazing you are in not only her eyes but in the eyes of everyone at the Hotel!

All in all she’s just very sweet and gentle, offering you a lot of comfort whenever you’re doubting yourself even though she might get a little clumsy with words if you ask her to say what she feels out loud! You think it’s endearing, though.

She knows how much you loathe playing the violin, however whenever she hears you practicing, she can’t help but stop in her tracks and listen carefully, loving the melody. If you complain to her about your hands being calloused, she will respond that this only shows how much of a talented violinist you are whilst she holds them close to her chest and smiles at you.

She watches musicals with you for sure, memorizing all you guys’ favourite songs so you can duet them! Something tells me that it takes you a while to get the courage to sing in front of somebody else...well, Charlie is going to give you time, but when you’re ready she’s barely going to be able to contain her excitement!

Aware of your distaste for physical activities and of the fact that you’re not very strong physically, Charlie does her best to shield you from the Angels’ attacks during the Extermination, even relying on her powers in case you get severely hurt. But don’t fret, with her by your side that is very unlikely! If after the fight is done you mention to her how cool she was protecting you, she will dismiss your compliments and blush, saying that it was the least she could do for you.

You and Charlie are, all things considered, a very wholesome couple, and your relationship relies on voicing your admiration for each other and soft acts in general.

Additional platonic matchup!

Rosie!

Rosie is very kind and loving to the ones she considers friends, such as you.

If you present to her with a problem, she’s very likely to offer you a listening ear and then give you advice on how to solve it, whilst reminding you that you’re capable of overcoming it yourself. In fact she hates seeing you in low spirits, so she’s going to try her best to lift them up.

One of her hobbies is cooking; while it’s not exactly the same to baking, I headcanon that she’s pretty good at that too! So while your girlfriend Charlie can be a little clumsy in the kitchen, Rosie can even give you tips on how to improve. She might try to lure you into adding...rather strange ingredients in your sweets, but as long as you tell her no she’s going to understand that, well, her preferences aren’t everyone’s!

[donnerpartyofone]

I keep thinking about this experience I had where it was apparent that somebody was attracted to me, and after I learned a little more about him I realized that he was chiefly attracted to a quality I find pretty repulsive and that was definitely not something I deliberately cultivated, that was in fact something I struggle to suppress. And even though I had no interest in that person I had all sorts of strange feelings about this experience: On the one hand I really resented that someone would like me for a reason I found pretty gross, and this made me feel fetishized or something in a way that was very uncool in my view. Then on the other hand I wondered if I was just being a snob and I should realize that everything about oneself can be lovable...and inevitably I'd just swing back to finding the whole thing kind of insulting. It's like being told, I don't know, "I love how dirty you are and how bad you stink," the fact that the speaker means it as a high compliment doesn't mean you have to appreciate it, just as you're under no obligation to be grateful for attention in general. Plus I don't think I can do the whole unconditional love of the entire self thing, I think self-criticism is what actually drives me to improve and become more aware and responsible. And then there's matters of taste, he has a right to his preferences and so do I even if mine seem more judgmental or "negative" or something.

My last shrink, who was so incompetent that she triggered a rolling psych episode that got kind of scary, would do this abject positivity thing to me that literally made me crazy. I'd be trying to untangle some difficult experience and she'd just bombard me with all this stuff about what a good person I am or "what if it's not YOU that's wrong, what if THE WORLD is wrong!", and I'd think...OK fine but that's beside the point? I just wanted to talk through this thing that fucked me up but never mind, you're right, I'm OK You're OK and as long as we agree on that then nothing is worth discussing. And then I was trying to talk to her about how I used to have this major dysfunctional behavior that was derailing my life and I recognized this and got control of it and I'm really proud of myself for that, and my shrink just kept going "But why are you saying behavior X was BAD? Why does it have to be WRONG?" like she was really sad and disappointed that I was criticizing myself and I just wanted to scream in her face It's bad BECAUSE I SAY SO! I'm the one who was harmed by it WHICH I JUST TOLD YOU ALL ABOUT and that's a perfectly good reason for me to say it was WRONG!

TL;DR:

1. Sometimes things about yourself are crummy and it is totally rational and even a form of self-care (🤢) to judge these things and want to change them.

2. Don't involve people in your fetishes if they aren't expressly interested; this includes just making it kind of obvious that you like a casual, platonic acquaintance for an unpopular sexual reason. It may not make them feel as complimented as you personally think it should.

[hypergamiss]

Hello 🤗, long post on advance

Growing up my family was the helicopter family (always asking where I am even if I'm in the house, wanting me to be literally in their eyesight and would have my brother literally follow me while in their eyesight)

always advocate for education (which to most people is good but I had to be perfect the "perfect indian daughter" ) as my friend refer to me no dating, no rebel, has to always agree with my mother in family drama even though I never wanted to be involved, had to take on all the emotional trauma while my brother does nothing, gaslight, manipulate, and degraded all of my life you know that type of family so im finally leaving and going out of state. Yay!

However, I am on the curvy side never was skinny nor was "soft or shy" when I wasn't around my family, I am loud and outgoing so no boys ever showed me interested personally now sexually yes (I seen the eyes wonder) so I never dated and I am a bit insecure bc of my family but in a week friend of mines has a birthday party and her cousin fancy me (which at first glance I'm thinking it's a prank or he saw a picture of me and wants to sleep with me) and my friend is so admitted about setting me up bc I set her up with her bf

low-key I'm about to enter a period of the rest of my life where I'm doing the things I want to do without my toxic family on my shoulder and I the first thing I don't want to do with my freedom is date. Even though I grew up in a toxic family I consume media content about self love and healthy relationship with myself (which I'm actively working on) so I feel at this point in my life I don't want to date and when it comes to dating I personally don't want to date in my environment now, but rather later in life when I'm living by my own rules.

But I'm thinking about it and should I give him a chance bc I'm second guessing if this is what my gut wants or is my toxic family way thinking the no dating. Ik that there will be other guys in the future but should I let him be the first one or wait. Note: he hasn't reached out to talk to me or anything and he's from my culture and let's say guys aren't loyal and I'm not trying to deal with that headache.

So should I take the chance? should I tell my friend I'm not interested in getting with her cousin? Or should I wait till the party and reject him? Any advice will be grateful, I never had a sister or proper female role model in my life (I always was the role model) so you're the closest to it 😅

"But I'm thinking about it and should I give him a chance bc I'm second guessing if this is what my gut wants or is my toxic family way thinking the no dating."

I love that you're fully self aware of what you've had to go through in the past and your intentions to prioritize yourself because it shows how much you care about yourself. I'm sorry that you've had to live through all of that and I am proud of you for choosing to not let it define you and waking up every day to make a better life for yourself. It's heavy on the soul! The real question is: DO YOU FANCY HIM? If you do, then go on the date and get some experience. It's just a date, not a marriage proposal. If it doesn't go well you can just move on with your life. There doesn't need to be all this unnecessary pressure added to it. Don't think about your family or even your friend. The only thing that matters is if you even like this person enough to go on a date with. It's all about how YOU feel, not anyone else.

"Note: he hasn't reached out to talk to me or anything and he's from my culture and let's say guys aren't loyal and I'm not trying to deal with that headache."

If you really don't feel like going on the date, listen to your intuition and do what's best for you. If it's not a "hell yes" then it's a no for me personally😅

I would be honest with your friend about how you feel. She seems to have good intentions so make sure you also let her know that you appreciate her effort, but that you'd much rather have a girls night out or something😊

"Any advice will be grateful, I never had a sister or proper female role model in my life (I always was the role model) so you're the closest to it 😅"

This makes my heart warm, I'll always be here!🫶