#i know there are some linguistics students on here that are sad they just got back from spring semester come on

[nikalesthethief]

hello i am trying to pass intro linguistics class and i am somewhat desperate. is anyone willing and capable of trying to help me with X’ theory and other general linguisticy things? i can pay money but not like. a lot. i am also willing to mail a handmade crochet plushie or hat or something if you’d prefer! genuinely any help at all would be greatly appreciated i am dying here

it’s X-bar theory/X’ theory, advanced syntax stuff, grice’s principle of cooperation and grice’s maxims for conversation, and other various things but if you know about any one of those things even a little bit please message me

[imaginepirates]

I’d honestly KILL to be in your linguistics class 😂, but anyways, let’s take a look back at school life. Now, which potc characters of your choosing would be the: prankster, shy kid, nerd, snitch, etc?

Yeah the linguistics class is pretty great. Very useful for conlang construction ngl 😅.

In any case, here are my humble takes on the potc characters as school stereotypes (highschool specifically. college is another monster and I'm not yet well enough versed). Sorry I haven't posted anything in a while--school has me fuckin busy.

Jack:

The joker, the prankster, the class clown. Found in schools across the globe, and much needed for the overall social moral. Is well acquainted with the principal's office, who in this case is probably Gov. Swann. Generally liked by all, but no real close friends. The classic comedic character with a sort of sad life.

Lizzie:

Definitely the rich, smart kid, but not in an obnoxious way because she has a great sense of adventure. She tends to use her social advantages for collectve benefit and doesn't really look down on other people. This makes her generally likable and easy to talk to for others. Doesn't hurt that her dad's the principal, so.

Will:

A generally quiet kid. Not necessarily shy, just pretty mellow. Most people don't pay him much mind. That being said, the first time someone openly insults Lizzie, he stands up for her and is pretty adamant about getting them to shut up. Takes everyone by surprise. He and Jack are friends by default -- it's an "alone together" sort of situation.

James:

The fuckin nerd. Also a suck up. I'm sorry, and I love him, but it's the truth. He definitely wants teachers to think highly of him, especially when he comes in as a freshman. He takes a lot of pride in his study skills. By the time he reaches senior year, though, he's exhausted and more than a little burnt out, so his image matters considerably less. Is still probably a valedictorian tho.

Beckett:

Ok I have 2 takes for Beckett, since we get a canon description of him as a student. On the one hand, we have horribly introverted nerd who gets bullied mercilessly. On the other hand, we have elitist asshole who's too fucking smart for his own good and is a vindictive little bitch. Will slip cigs in your backpack and tell the teacher he saw them and that he's "concerned for you" to get you in trouble. Also not above having his friend Ian beat you up.

Barbossa:

The chill upperclassmen who claims to know all the school secrets. He knows which music practice rooms kids make out in, and he was there for the cheese stick that got thrown into the light fixture. He probably smokes weed some weekends and has a dope pet monkey everyone loves. Gives Jack (the person) inside deets on everything.

[mandoa-for-dummies]

What even is this?

This is the first in what I sure hope will be a series of entries documenting my progress as I attempt (attempt being the keyword) to transform Mando’a from what I’ve always thought was a pretty lackluster cipher of English into a conlang.

What’s the difference? A cipher uses one to one substitutions to turn the original language into the “new” language. Take this example:

“best of the best” in English becomes “jatnese be te jatnese” in Mando’a

As you can see, this is English with different syllables. We’ve got the affixed -se intensifier of the Mando’a word “jatne,” which differs from the irregular transformation of “good” into “better” (comparative) and “best” (superlative) in English, but other than that, we’ve preserved the English preposition and article.  That’s fine for a fly-by sentence in a movie or a novel! But we can do better than that.

By contradistinction, a conlang or constructed language has its own fully-imagined and developed grammar, vocabulary, style, idioms etc. Think Quenya or Klingon. Abandon all hope, ye who enter here: there will be parts of speech. There might be a redesigned alphabet. I will definitely be playing fast and loose with the lexicon over at mandoa.org

There’s a third important category of artificial languages that I’ll be messing around with as I truck merrily along, and that is what is called an auxlang, or auxiliary language. These are artificial languages like Esperanto--designed for simplicity, regularity and maximum ease of adoption. Mando’a is canonically supposed to be an auxlang. I have some thoughts about this that I will develop in future updates.

Why do this? The simple answer is: for funsies and to teach myself how to build a conlang, a hobby I’ve admired from afar for a long time but hitherto haven’t dared to dip my toe into for real. I’m not a professional linguist. I’m just a language-loving dork who wants to take a passable but lazy sci-fi cipher and make it special. If someone else has been doing a version this work on Mando’a elsewhere, that’s great! I haven’t looked it up. I’m not doing this for posterity--this is entirely for my own amusement, baybeeeeee.

THAT SAID, HERE IS IMPORTANT INFORMATION ABOUT USING WHATEVER YOU FIND HERE: you can incorporate anything you find on this tumblr into your own creative goings-on. You can also further modify or adjust it to suit your own needs and preferences. It’s yours! You’re welcome to it! All I ask is that you credit me.

You can expect updates every few weeks, since, lo, I am a sad and overworked grad student. The background research doesn’t do itself, dontcha know. It goes without saying that your questions, comments and feedback are always welcome.

[jyajumin]

A first post! My, oh my. Had some thoughts about being in Academia and Industry at once, every day is a battle of ambition and reality. It's basically me being sad about not being able to do a PhD lmao

I've been doing a lot of research (well, very relatively speaking) about PhD programs lately. I think i'd both love and hate it, and I feel that realistically I wouldn't be able to do one unless I suddenly lost my job and I found myself having no income and a lot of free time. I'd make half of what I do now as a PhD student, have much less time, and much more stress. In all, it's a terrible financial and lifestyle choice. I could do the research without doing a PhD, but yet I feel like the PhD would mean something. I'm a yapper, but I want to make sense. But maybe I just don't like being gainsaid and I feel like this would give me ammo in arguments with myself :P

I'm obviously conflicted about whether or not I really want to do a program. I've been warned not to if I love my job, which I do. If I could do both at the same time, or better yet have the blessing of my company to do both (maybe even have them fund it, in a blissfully perfect world), I'd probably be stressed out but also over the moon. When I think about what I'd concretely research, what kind of knowledge I'd like to "push the bounds of" (the goal of a PhD dissertation being original research that "pushes the bounds of human knowledge through thorough independent research that is in discussion with history of the discussion of the discipline until that point), I can't help but feel that it would always be informed by the work that I do. Therefore, I would find it difficult to do that PhD scholarly work without brushing up against it at work first. As an MA student, although my literature courses often have no direct correlation to what I do, I am constantly trying to find those through-lines that connect the two areas. Informed approaches, intentional thought. That's what I'd like to be the bedrock of my work.

Where could I even hope to do such a thing? My intersection of scholarship history is kind of niche, and who could advise me especially if I want to focus on translation and games! You usually have to move for PhDs, and while I was suggested to apply to <insert very prestigious R1 school 6 hours away here> and it'd be a pretty big flex to say that I got a PhD from there, realistically I can't swing it. Even if I got accepted and flew in every time I had to be on campus, it's really not feasible considering the course commitment required. That leaves me with local universities, and I can really only think of two reputable institutions that have faculty in an area that I could probably make work.

But as long as I'm talking of ideals, I don't think I'm at the ability I need to be yet linguistically. My Japanese isn't bad but I'm not satisfied with it (a feeling I think will only increase as my English skills improve and my ability to express myself in Japanese decreases relatively by comparison), and I need to get a third language to a certain proficiency to satisfy entry requirements for most(?) comp lit programs. Spanish is likely the closest of the ones I know, but I don't see myself doing a lot of English-Japanese-Spanish work. If I had a few years to dedicate to Korean (which I'm barely starting), I feel like I could get somewhere, though I doubt close enough. Same with Vietnamese. I wish my Japanese courses were 3 units in undergrad; I could have fit so many more language courses in (or graduated in 4 instead of 6). I fear I just don't have the chops, even if I have a "noble" drive—but don't all academics.

Don't even get me started on family stuff. PhD work is rough on women, more so on women with family. And I would like a family. I don't want to wait forever. I don't want to count on their support if I were in a PhD program, I want to be there for the tot's milestones.

I wish academia wasn't the way it is. I generally feel lucky and blessed, which may be some fortunate blend of optimism and naïveté, but I think I'd need some cosmic alignment of stars for this to come together. I dislike compromising on my personal goals, but some things I'll just have to learn to accept... :(

If anyone's willing to fund me tens of thousands a year to pursue a degree very slowly, please let me know. lol

[feuqueerfire]

Island Part 1 Live Blogging

I didn't watch anything last week because of being overwhelmed and busy for the past 10 or so days but finally I'm ready to once again start a new show when I should be studying.

My main reason for watching this is really just Cha Eunwoo because I miss seeing his face. People seem to really like his character and say his acting improved so I'm even more excited. I wanted to start Korean sff shows anyway so might as well start here even though I got spoiled for a biiiiig thing that happens at the end of S2 and also people's reactions have been like good but not great.

Ep 1 (Mar 14)

ah they're toast

oh they're not speaking Korean

hello my beloved Eunwoo

i never know whether to trust this type of old man who is the lady's father's butler man and is some sort of mentor to her as well

oof the wedding dress monster killed and ate someone?

isn't there gonna be a fuss about the dead body

ah so the lady is a reincarnation of the woman in the white dress who previously died? and the man is the one who's been living at Tamara since then?

olden times Jeju - the guy was a child and was forced to become half human half demon. where's the other kid who became that way too

oh bulter sir where are you going and what did the student see?

lol we already saw the man being selfish and self-absorbed so that's not doing anything for me but ig he's also gonna become a demon now? also i originally thought the assistant who she told to look into those two men was him but ig it's a different man

A pretty meh first episode tbh

Ep 2 (Mar 14)

damn they really did this shit to the children

beautiful beloved Cha Eunwoo <333 I am very fond of him

oh the bulter mans is Miho's protector

the slug things are so fucking disgusting

these action scenes are so boring because they go on for too long, I don't care enough about Miho, it's only ep 2 so I know she's not gonna die or really get hurt, and the immortal guy is gonna come save her each time like bro move on why are the action and chase scenes so long

yknow I find Miho endearing when she's praying to God, Buddha and being nervous to go to sleep and her nervous mannerisms when the man in the dark comes to her room and I think it reminds me of Saras played by Ae in PS I Hate You

actually she's endearing when she's trying to get Van to sign the contract

damn is Van the one who killed Miho in her past life

also pretty meh for me, I don't care about the action, but I'm glad to see a bit more of Eunwoo and also I'm starting to be endeared by Mino

Ep 3 (Mar 14)

why the fuck is there a domestic abuse plotline fucking hell It's like I gotta either watch women being terrorized by men or turn to watch BL where they also sometimes treat women as evil caricatures like I can't

fucking hell and blackmailing her with her nsfw photos too I actually am so fucking annoyed why can't I fucking watch just a fantasy show

this is so fucking sad bro

I love Yeon-ji already

if Yeon-ji or Suryeon actually die or anything I'll be so fucking mad btw

(Linguistics) ahh I love Johan tryna get away with using banmal and referring to Miho as chingus but being shut down lol can't wait to hear him say noona

I don't care about the romantic hints toward Miho and Van whatsoever tbh

(Linguistics) please the way Miho is all wide-eyed and belatedly adds the -yo when she asks if he's really a priest

Johan is so cheeky I love him

Suryeonnnnnn if Bujille does something to her I'm gonna kill this show

nah the better save suryeon

the failed exorcism was pretty cool

This ep finally picked up. I'm glad we get our characters around each other now and some interesting things have started to happen beyond just "oh monster chases Miho and Van saves her." Most of all, I love Johan being daring and cheeky and beautiful and fun and eager.

Not a super big fan of female suffering due to an abusive boyfriend and threats of nudes/nsfw photos being leaked though like I wish it was just something else.

3 eps in a day oof

Ep 4 (Mar 15)

oh was the light-haired guy the other half-demon from the old days

omg the big devil tree-looking monster being maneuvered by Lee Suryeon

I know it's supposed to be funny that Johan was choking while Miho and Van were arguing but :) I dislike such incompetency and callousness for the sake of humour like first of all Johan was trying to help Miho, second of all we're supposed to think Van doesn't gaf but it's not like we're supposed to think Miho is like that too considering she's trying to convince Van to save Suryeon - so it's annoying that she has no worries about Johan

It's so fucking boring that we're on episode 4, both Van and Johan get to do cool action things and even if Johan gets caught, he can hold his ground for a bit with his cool sword, while Miho has yet to even improve in her hiding/escaping/running away techniques despite already being good at fighting and training. If she was at least able to get through to Suryeon with kindness or whatever, that'd be like something but she can't do that either and yells for Van constantly like okay I'm bored

well okay at least she got to speak to Suryeon and I guess some fucking light inside her made the Benjulle disappear

Ah Johan is so irritating when dealing with Van, ah so endearing

oh van calling upon Benjulle again for Suryeon's revenge

heh Van and the Gramma testing each other are so cute

did Johan leave the shrimp croquettes for Miho or is he just gone to the bathroom and will find them gone lol

I don't fully understand why Johan's doing this with Van? to test his strength? and also he wants his name? Edit after reddit thread reading: Someone said he wants to bring out the demon so that he can see if Van can control it enough so that the prophecy of him killing Miho again will come true or not. He left the shrimp croquettes so that she'd be busy eating those and not come looking for the two of them. that makes sense.

oh this is how Van had previously killed her. by his demon side coming out and stabbing her. oof Johan what have you done

A more interesting episode. I wish we got to see the weirdo abusive ex being ripped to shreds at least a little bit or maybe his dead body since we got to see Suryeon's bruised face and her vulnerable photos.

The Johan and Van fighting was pretty cool, one of the action sequences that I thought was actually fun because it involved things more than just chasing or saving Miho.

Also, I'm at least glad that Miho's rich and has connections because otherwise she'd be so fucking useless but then again, she's pretty useless with it too. She didn't seem to give a fuck when Yeomji first came to tell her that Suryeon was being abused, so I didn't think the 'empathy and kindness' would be her forte the way it is for so many female leads but then after she saw the state Suryeon was in, she did start to care more. I thought her having money would mean maybe she could actually get revenge for Suryeong but in the end, Van had to ask Bujille for help. Miho can't save herself which is irritating still 4 episodes in especially when she's been shown to know how to fight but she also can't help Suryeon much despite her status and money. What the fuck can she do by herself then except whatever pureness is inside her and whatever the prophecy will dictate?

I wish we got better-written, more interesting female characters. Yeom-ji is interesting so far, maybe she'll appear more later

Ep 5 (Mar 15)

blocked by own arm is expected

oh our affable Johan has shaking hands

I love the horror aspect of the tourist murder and organ extraction, please have more scary things

Miho fr went outside by herself in the woods after 1) the Dujille incident and 2) the Van incident? girl you are generally useless, why would you fucking do that

oh she's tracking Van's phone

Miho sounds stupid as hell with the "you promised to protect me and you did :>" like at least make her be like i believe you will overcome it or like something that doesn't sound so naive

and i wish they didn't have a romance because it doesn't make sense

pls not all the girls following behind Johan because he's so beautiful and he's relishing in that for sure oh this priest

Johan's a priest right, he likes girls fawning over him but he's not gonna fall for Miho right? I don't want another romantic line

Suryeon and Yeomji are fr best buddies, so cute I love them T.T

omg give me Johan backstory right now

so the Fox Demon is extracting livers until he finds 'his' and is aided by the evil half-demon? and then sometimes sliced up?

so this is Johan's brother at current time?

Guntan is the other half-demon

no but what exactly did that call that Johan got tell him? that they can't find his brother yet?

we're spending too much time at this orphanage and thinking about what Johan would say to his brother, so I... somehow doubt they'll actually get to meet oh no

girl this is so lol like Sujin's fiance probably gonna die and Johan's brother probably gonna die

like first of all after the lust demons have nearly killed her multiple times + Suryeon's lust demon infested Bunjille due to it trying to Miho, I feel like Miho should have enough brain cells to be like actually don't come near me

oh the husband died but at least Johan got to meet his brother; though he may die soon too who knows

Ep 6 (Mar 15)

more Johan and brother backstory

oh they're adopted by white people who have a sick child.... omg

they're gonna fucking do something to the kids T.T

I don't fully understand what happened but did they try to get Johan's brother's liver for their sick child? is that why he was sick also before they took Johan away? but why was Johan also clutching his stomach and blood on his shirt? Did the operation with the older sibling and white child not work so they tried it with Johan too? Is this white sick child the one searching for the liver now as the Fox Demon or smth? or is it Johan's brother since his liver would be missing, though that doesn't quite make sense with what happened with those other people that the brother worked with right?

ah the siblings are having a heart to heart but uhhh I feel like the "let's stay together" yearning of Johan is not gonna be long-lived

oh fuck the brother is so definitely working for Guntan or something rip

oh did Wonjeong betray Guntan and Van somehow? or accidentally betray them but Guntan believes she did it on purpose?

oh beautiful stag? reminds me of Shadow and Bone

why the hell on earth would Miho leave her friend at the funeral crying alone like

I so don't give a fuck about Van and Miho irritates me

oh the brother Chan-hee can't remember killing those people while he's a lust demon?

ah fuck Chan-hee asking Johan to kill him T.T

bro first I felt emotions for Suryeon and now Johan T.T poor guy

filing a teary Eunwoo on his knees looking desperate for later when I'm not feeling sad for him and he's not a priest

ah fuck desperate, desperate Johan but the lust demon wants to kill Wonjeong/Miho

poor fucking Johan really having to kill his brother

my beloved Johan nooo T.T

wait a second were there scenes after the title card each time?

oh Guntan has a fucking cult

oh what the fuck my beloved Yeom-ji T.T

Also, the thing that Chan-hee was getting and saying "It's not mine" is probably kidney and not liver lol I thought liver because they said that's what the Fox Demon stole but Chan-hee was not that.

Overall Thoughts:

The main female lead was whatever, wish she was just good at something. Whether it be at fighting demons (understandable that she isn't), was fighting back via kindness and empathy (I'll be forever floored that she's apparently feeling soooo much for fucking Van while her reaction to being told about Suryeon's situation was like hmm whatever just tell the cops), actual power due to her status/wealth/connections (but she couldn't even fucking put the abusive ex behind bars and couldn't keep her promise to Suryeon to get revenge for her and then dared to be like 'hmm idk how I feel about this' when Van got him killed), or her smarts (miss girl kept going everywhere in the woods by herself, including in the dark; she couldn't tell her friend to not come to her at night like this). She's not the worst ever because she can still stand up for herself and she has personality but I mourn that they've written her like this. I also just hate that the only other girl we've paid any significant attention to was Suryeon and I had to see her go through an abusive relationship; why can't we get some cool suffering, why do I have to see girls and women be tortured at the hands of men in this way every time?

Van is just fucking boring and I don't care. He's kinda cool but like he's not fun or interesting or endearing or tunning at my heart strings (except him as a child when he was being abused as he was trained T.T)

My beloved Johan <3333 Cha Eunwoo was my main reason for keeping an eye on this show since I watched True Beauty and was into Astro for a few weeks. He did so well <33 I liked his charming, cocky, beautiful character who was so intrigued by everything going on as if he really was 20 and curious about everything but also I liked his apprehension when it came down to it. The storyline with his brother was so T.T He had him for such a short time and it was so sad seeing him trying to do everything to save him and yet having to kill him in the end.

Also curious to see the evil brother half-demon Guntan and his sidekick niece Yeom-ji. They're both pretty cool compared to our 2 main characters. The Certified Noonas were talking about how cool Guntan is and all I could think about was "So, what if he's the devil, Rick? At least the devil has a job. At least he's active in the community." because mans is really active and murderous and a cult leader.

I wish the show flowed better in terms of the sequence of scenes and pacing and the main characters were more intriguing.

Rating: 6/10

[absolutebl]

This Week in BL

April 2021 Part 4 

it’s my birthday week! *raises a glass of pink milk* 

Being a highly subjective assessment of one tiny corner of the interwebs.

Ongoing Series - Thai

Second Chance Ep 4 - oh noes my babies are all so sad! Teen angst for the win. Tropes included: crying in shower, a very significant hand hold, & striped shirts. (At this point over half the cast has been in stripes.) 

Love Machine Ep 1 - not gonna lie, I barely made it through the first half, this is a short run LOW budget experimental web series and it’s not good. Dropped.  

Lovely Writer Ep 9 - I like it when LW gets serious because there are fewer dumb sound effects, but oof Aey, poor baby. How many Aeys have I known over the years? Rejected, broken, angry, lonely, and lashing out. On a different note, I haven’t see the “sex drug made us do it” plot device since 1980s Johanna Lindsey. Props to that cocktail rearing its ugly head. (yeh yeh) ZOMBIE TROPE ALERT. (Is this the point where I remind the world at a-play doesn’t have to hurt? Well, it doesn’t! Toys, prep, and lube people. Sheesh.) Anygay, zombie trope is put safely back underground. Please don’t let it rise again? (I KNOW, I’ll stop now.) So this was a rough episode, especially the back end. (Okay now I’ll REALLY stop.)  Seriously tho, BL doesn’t do a massive coming out family drama scene often. I liked LW’s handling of this one. Hard to watch but compelling. 

Close Friend Ep 1 (OhmFluke) - very cute snapshot into a LTR featuring an overworked music producer and his student BF. That’s the chassis for this whole series, each one has to do with the song & is a portrayal of that song’s message. Essentially, the theme of this one was remembering to make time for your partner. I enjoyed that. OhmFluke gave us easy casual familiar affection and a kiss, but no BL tropes, just romance. 

Fish Upon The Sky Ep 3 - Pi is a total spazz & the ghost story bit was... well, it was something wasn’t it? Lots of tropes: fixing his clothes, wound tending, drag baby around, piggyback, head in lap, hand hold, and ending on a drunk kiss. I just noticed Pi uses guu/mueng with Mork, but Mork’s a year older. (So I have a new entry onto the linguistic brats list.)  So rude and presumptuous. Also I gotta say this, don’t wear watches when you’re working on a cadaver, mmky boys? 

Y-Destiny Ep 4 - look MaxNat have great chemistry, this ep had loads of great tropes (e.g. cheek kiss, rooftop, public claiming via phone), it’s not their fault I’m just not wild about these characters. I do like Nuea’s wanna-be idol wardrobe though. And Sun is sporting the red bag version of Tharn’s black bag that I wanted so bad in TT2. (I wonder if I can score a knock off when I’m over there?) Regardless, I basically grinned all the way through this installment, so that’s another thumbs up from me for Y-Destiny. Who knew I’d come around? Man would I love to see these two get their own series. 

Brothers Ep 12 - teacher/student exposed! But the power of boys on phones will overcome all. No KhunKaow for me, so of course I found this ep tragically disappointing. 

Ongoing Series - Not Thai

HIStory 4: Close To You (Taiwan) Ep 6 - MuRen is officially a yaoi manga character in the flesh. H4′s outright mockery/subversion of tropes “don’t touch him he’s mine,” + “touch my lip & think of kissing” makes the fact that other (way more damaging) tropes are being blithely utilized without critique almost - dare i say it? - insulting. YongJie is trash but I’m the one who feels like trash because I want to forgive him. How aptly abusive & dysfunctional we all are. I don’t know whether to applaud H4 or start drinking. (Maybe this is the show I should invent a cocktail for? Who am I kidding? This is totally a jello shots show.) 

Friend or Lover (Taiwan) Ep 2 - I thought this was only a microfilm but turns out it’s a web series. It’s cute. I’m enjoying it. 

My Lascivious Boss (Vietnam) Ep 3 - subs take a while to drop but it’s still better than average. I like a secret identity trope, I love a grumpy/sunshine pairing, and the side couple is great but this ep was slow. With only 6 total (I assume) they better get the main couple together next ep or the improved quality of this series will be sacrificed on the alter of pacing issues. 

Word of Honor (China) Ep 28-30 - slowed down to focus on bad guys (yawn...ooo Scorpion...yawn again). Then baby gets kidnapped, other baby goes crazy, and old friends turn up. We end on DOOM because mathematically this was an episode 11. All boxes checked.

Nobleman Ryu’s Wedding (Korea) Ep 3-4 - how is this show SO DAMN CUTE & weirdly wholesome at the same time? Another one of those: Will Korea resolve this satisfactorily in 4 short eps? But I seem to say that half way through every Korean BL. These days, I have complete faith. Warm fuzzies for everyone. 

Stand Alones

Color Rush movie is the same as the series. There is a stinger at the VERY end (untranslated) but which I’m assuming has something to do with the missing mother. Is this a possible indication of a 2nd season? Hopefully someone will eng sub the stinger and post it out into the universe. So yeah, Color Rush movie = To My Star style, sadly, not Wish You. That said, I did enjoy watching with different subs. The first version I watched was fan subbed, and they were better on English colloquialisms. Viki’s subs are better on Korean colloquialisms. 

Breaking News 

Bunch of new press on Thailand’s I Told the Sunset About You 2 AKA I Promised You the Moon. Here’s a master post on the subject with all the links you could ever want. It will start airing May 27th 8 pm (Thai time) on LINETV.

New Thai Bl Golden Blood got a teaser trailer. Stars familiar side dish Gun Napat (Techno from LBC) as a rich kid who needs a bodyguard. Yeah, it looks to be the Thai version of Where Your Eyes Linger which is FINE. I love me a bodyguard romance. DO EETTT Thailand. Trailer contains ALL the tropes: dry his hair, piggyback, cooking together, and more, plus good smooches. It looks GREAT. Also cheeper to make then KinPorsche and it might get funded due to of residual enthusiasm. Also GOOD TITLE. 

Close Friend got another teaser trailer this one for Talay & Yoon (no subs). 

Taiwan has a new BL coming out... eventually. Looks to be a new franchise like the HIStory series with different couple(s) each season. It’s the first Taiwanese BL from a major in-country network. The first installment is titled Be Loved in House: I Do (seriously Taiwan, could we talk about your titles?). It stars a familiar face, Aaron Lai from HIStory: My Hero. It’s a grumpy/tsundere boss/employee office-set BL with some forced proximity to push them together. (Nods to Japan.) No release date, but (unlike Thailand) Taiwan usually doesn’t make announcements without content & serious intent. 

Gossip 

Taiwanese BL NOVEL Miracle dropped a trailer, no subs or translation. According to YouTube comments it was supposed to be part of HIStory3 but MODC took on its slot. Still it’s kinda fun to see what might have been.

Next Week Looks Like This:

Some shows may be listed later than actual air date for International accessibility reasons.

Upcoming 2021 BL master post here.

Links to watch are provided when possible, ask in a comment if I missed something. 

[anjels001]

May I request hc's or whatever you'd like to do for the Obey Me x Castlevania? Fem!MC that's a descendent of the Belmont clan (which I think you had as being from Lilith's second child.) and/or carrying on the Belmont tradition of monster/demonslaying in the modern/current time? I don't know if you include the Castlevania games but there was an active Belmont during 1999/2000's during Soma's time. With maybe Belphie, Beel, and Barbatos or Diavolo?

Okay, I'll try to write this, actually it's the first time I write an order,

so please don't judge.

I will write in the temporal order in which they contacted s/o.

-------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------

Diavolo:

₯ He was surprised at first, the additional presence of Y/o was a very welcome surprise!

₯ He thought it was cute and polite, she looked like a shy version of his friend! Look Luci she even has white hair like you! (please Y/o stop calling him lord Diavolo he just wants to be her friend ° (> o <) °)

₯ Very pleased with her development in class, although a little worried because she didn't interact much with her siblings.

₯ At least she was able to make friends with demons outside the circle, well is the program still making progress?

₯ Initially I was a little worried about the disappearance of some students, hmm so they had plans to S/o glad you took care of that Barbatos...

₯ When he discovered his ancestry, he didn't know whether to be scared or excited that there was a Belmont on the show!

₯ what if she's a descendant of Lilith and her friend's great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-law'? even better!

₯ Interested in her perspective on the program.

⌛ Barbatos:

⌛Shocked initially because he hadn't anticipated this!

⌛He ends up keeping it a secret as he wasn't sure he should tell his lord that he couldn't see the future of S/O, he became suspicious within thirty minutes of being informed that his alternate version had interfered with could spoil the future that he couldn't see the future of S/O.

⌛It is the first demon that made a pact with S/o (if it had been released to the public, it would have entered the record book by record of pact made in less than 24hrs. (mc made it in 2 days))

⌛Oh Y/o so is that where you're disposing of the bodies? what a wonderful idea to use the parts as ingredients to feed the gluttony avatar, a practical and waste-free plan, here let me see which recipe can use these substitute ingredients hmmm....how about salamander tongue?

⌛ He is delighted at the prospect of serving a Belmont, even if he is untrained.

⌛Is the first to help S/O when he is having doubts in the mystic arts or having problems with his ancestral magical nature.

⌛ Likes when S/O uses the whip, and an excellent training partner.

⌛Internally smug about having S/o as his mistress (oh..mc got a high grade in basic demonic linguistics...How interesting, did you hear that S/o is learning Enochian? I admire your perseverance in learning 2 different languages who knew advanced demonic language classes were so boring, hello Solomon my congratulations on the new pact, is a noble demon of the division of wrath no less, I have learned that they can only be tamed in battle! ... I find determination fascinating that you humans have see S/o for example I heard she hunted down a nest of rebel incubus yesterday!)

🐝 Beel:

🐝I didn't care about humans at first, I felt a little sad because the exchange program student had a companion so she wouldn't be alone.

🐝The friend was kind to have offered the food she had, although she is very quiet, I think she is afraid of me.

🐝Y/o do you want to train with me? a sparring match are you sure? I don't want to hurt you after all I'm very strong.

🐝(they fight and he is intrigued/amazed by her skills, she kicks hard!, the fight was amazing although it was annoying to elude your brother and his annoying questions, he may be walking crookedly but that's nothing!)

🐝When he heard that there were some students missing he got a little worried about Y/O, he knows she knows how to defend herself one more thing is a friendly sparring match with rules another was to face demons prepared to kill!..oh Barbatos already took care of that hmm...GOOD.

🐝 oh Mc S/o cooked this for me, she said she was taking lessons with barbados, I don't know what it is but it tastes divine!

🐝 yes I am also happy that she is not afraid of me, maybe we are even friends!

🐝Wait Y/o is a Belmont? oh that's why you fight so well!

🐄 Belphie:

🐄 What is this Lucifer? the summon is brought another human? hmmm... the way it's going it seems like I don't even need it lift a finger to end the program, you're already doing all the work for me.

🐄 Hello mc could you help me? I'm a human and of course! Hmm? aren't you Mc? how do i know about mc? oh well lucifer likes to chatter a lot, Is it not like him? Is that what you know in human?! Wait where you're going! What do you mean you won't help me!! A demon?! Tch.... how did you find out?

🐄He didn't see but S/o after that.

🐄 After the events of lesson 16 he found out he didn't want to get on her bad side in the worst way.

🐄 Who knew that S/o could have a sadistic streak? she has the right to be mad at him and he understands but she couldn't have created another form of punishment! because he had to be stuck in Cerberus' kennel and because his clothes smell like MEAT S/O!

🐄 LUCIFER YOUR GRANDDAUGHTER YOU KILL ME! Belmont or not he shouldn't be going through this S/o!!!

----

I hope you like this one as I said it's the first time I do this, besides that I had a little difficulty writing Belphi and Diavolo

[legobiwan]

dear Lego! its me yet again and i had a very very sad thought! ill inflict it upon you so i dont have to suffer alone! we all know (speculate) how obi-wan felt after qui gon got shanked by maul; he was exceedengly upset but buried or released all that shit into the force (some grade A Ignoring Your Issues there obes, love ya mwah) but i got to thinking. what if part of the overwhelming guilt he felt was that he Wasn't sad that qui gon died? considering. Everything lmao. so complicated!!

omg first of all, "shanked by Maul," I cackled, thank you for that, friend :D

Before I get into this ask, I'm going to go ahead and just put up some warnings here for death, illness, and complicated family relations for those of you in the studio audience. Also, that my experience is not yours, etc. etc. etc.

I actually think Obi-wan feeling that way might not be too far a stretch. Not that Obi-wan didn't grieve (obviously he did), not that he didn't feel a deep attachment to Qui-gon (possibly too much), not that this event wouldn't have seeped into every aspect of Obi-wan's existence for years (I mean, it did. See one, Skywalker, Anakin, as Exhibit A).

But at the same time, Qui-gon had an outsized influence on Obi-wan's life (as would any adult in this extreme one-on-one apprenticeship situation). I seem to remember in Master and Apprentice that Obi-wan at one point was cataloging all the interesting things his peers were getting to research: animal husbandry and astronomy and the like. And Obi-wan, to his own admittance, was stuck with Qui-gon's prophecies, which - while useful for developing his linguistic and philosophical abilities - were not exactly pragmatic, hovering on the cusp of being overtly damaging.

Despite Obi-wan's very apparent distress at Qui-gon attempting to offload him to another Master (which seems to be a consistent theme between the Legends and Canon), you have to wonder - if Obi-wan could have gotten past the point of feeling the whole situation arose because he wasn't "good enough" for Qui-gon, or that switching Masters was in some way an indication of his own failure as a student (and for that to be his baseline opinion of himself is a whole other kettle of spacefish), that maybe there would have been an element of relief in being done with the very heavy presence that was Qui-gon Jinn in Obi-wan's life. I mean, what would have happened if Obi-wan had taken another Master? What might have he gotten to explore, to achieve, to do? Would he have had an actual Knighthood instead of running head-first into almost-parenthood directly after a highly traumatic event?

And so, yeah, maybe for a few short minutes, Obi-wan wasn't sad Qui-gon wasn't there. For a few short minutes, Obi-wan had the potential to be anyone he wanted to be. Not that he would want Qui-gon dead (never that). But perhaps he would have wanted him...not around. And of course, three seconds later the guilt would kick in and suddenly Obi-wan is adopting a very complicated child in a very complicated situation and the more I reflect on that whole series of events, the worse it gets.

And the worst part is, Obi-wan's reaction wouldn't even be all that uncommon. But damned if he would talk with anyone about it (although that would be a fascinating conversation and one I can really only see having with Mace, who I think would have some great insights.)

[lils-writes-stuff]

Matthews

Spencer Reid x reader

Best Years Season 2 part six | part five | part four | part three | part two | part one | season one

summary: doesn’t ever drive you crazy, just how fast the night changes.

warning: normal criminal minds things, angst, sadness, gore, fun stuff

A/N: based on season 8 episode 12; uhhh here’s the storm

 The sound of Y/N’s phone vibrating under her hand woke her up. She lifted her head off of Amelia’s bed, not bothering to look at the caller I.D. and answered.

 “Hello?” Y/N’s voice croaked, still full of sleep. 

 “Ms. Matthews,” a distorted voice spoke through the phone. 

 Y/N sat up completely straight in her chair, now high alert. 

 “Or should I say SSA Y/N Y/L/N.” 

 “Who is this?” Y/N asked, standing up from the chair and moving outside of the room. She knew exactly who it was but she needed to be sure. 

 “You know exactly who this is,” the voice responded.

 “Landry Stephenson,” Y/N said with a stern tone. “What do you want?” 

 “Midnight,” Landry replied.

 “What about it?” 

 “That’s what you have till before this beautiful gold ring becomes mine, along with your boyfriend.” 

 The line went dead after that. A small tear of fear pricked in Y/N’s eyes, the phone not coming off her ear as she stood there in shock for a second. She pulled the phone off her ear after taking her second, calling the only person she could think of.

 “I got here as quickly as I could,” Hotch said, rushing up the stairs to his office where Y/N stood. 

 She couldn’t trust Strauss anymore, she needed to go straight to the people she knew would help.

  Her team.

 “What’s wrong?” Hotch asked once he came face to face with Y/N. 

 “I need to tell you where I’ve been,” she said with a shaky voice. 

 It felt as though she was injured, running off of pure adrenaline. And now it was starting to wear off because her voice began to shake. Hotch closed the door to his office and gestured for her to sit down.  

 “Strauss sent me undercover at George Town because they’ve been receiving letters about someone in the BAU being stalked. There has also been a recent string of ‘suicides’ that we thought were connected to the case, now I can confirm it is because one of the girls I’ve become close to was a victim last night…” 

 “Y/N I’m so sorry,” Hotch said sympathetically. 

 “It’s alright, she’s recovering in the hospital, she made it to my office to get help somehow.” 

 She took in a shaky breath and looked at the watch on her wrist. 

 “Okay, I’m going to skip some parts because we need to get the team here as soon as possible. Basically, this girl named Landry Stephenson has been sending letters to us about Spencer and I found out it was her yesterday when I went to Amelia’s dorm to look around and I found hundreds of pictures of Spencer in a small chest. This morning I got a phone call from Landry saying we have until midnight tonight to save Spencer.” 

 “How do you know it was Landry for sure?” 

 “Because she addressed me as Ms. Matthews, that was my undercover name.” 

 Y/N took in a shaky breath and lifted her hand and watched it shake violently. She was starting to have an anxiety attack, she hadn’t had that since the day of the bomb. 

 “Y/N,” Hotch said, making her tearful eyes look at him. “I need you to breathe okay, breath.” 

 She took in some deep breaths and let a few tears fall down her face. Her eyes closed and she took a minute to compose herself, letting all her emotions flood out of her so she could focus on saving Spencer. 

 “Okay, let’s get the team here.” 

--------------

 “Y/N,” everyone said as they walked into the bullpen, seeing the woman they all missed. 

 JJ and Penelope ran up and wrapped their arms around her, squeezing her tightly. 

 “Hey, guys-” she pulled away from the hug and gave others to the rest of the team- “I wish we had time to catch up but we have a problem.” 

 “Why? What’s going on?” Rossi asked, his brows furrowing in concern. 

 “Wait, shouldn’t we wait for Reid?” Penelope asked, noticing the Boy Wonder’s absence. 

 “That’s why we’re here. This morning Y/N received a phone call from Landry Stephenson, the unsub Strauss sent her to find who had been killing students at George Town and stalking a member of the BAU, that member was Reid,” Hotch relayed the information Y/N had told him to the team. 

 The team had slack jaws at the news. 

 “So, is he okay? Is he in protective custody?” JJ asked, her words quick and strong. 

 “When I got the call, Landry told me we had until midnight to find him,” Y/N said, her voice shaking again. 

 “Oh god…” Penelope muttered, clutching her hand to her chest. 

 “What other information do you have?” Derek asked assertively. 

 “Not much,” Y/N let her head drop in shame. 

 The team stayed quiet for a second, watching as Y/N sniffled as a way to keep in her tears. “I have a wealth of knowledge to be applying to this case right now about behaviors of violent stalkers, tactical recovery strategies-” she choked on a sob at her next words- “victim survival odds, things I know about the unsub. But I can’t keep a straight thought for more than four seconds at a time, so I’m the dumbest person in the room.”

 The team watched in sympathy as Y/N cried during her speech. They knew he was the love of her life and she was his. They were Spencer and Y/N. “The greatest love I’d ever seen,” as Rossi put it. So they knew, this was tearing her apart because she was putting all the blame on herself.  

 “Please-” her voice cracked- “we need to find him.”

 “This technically isn’t our case, but Spencer is a part of this team,” Hotch said as everyone stayed quiet. “This is going rogue not only for Y/N but for all of us, we could lose our jobs. Does anybody want to leave?”

 No one answered.

 “Good, then let’s get started.”  

-------------

 “Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while deeply loving someone gives you courage,” Y/N mumbled under her breath as she paced back and forth in Penelope’s office. She kept repeating the phrase under her breath like a mantra. It’s a quote by Luo Tzu that she found during her time away. It’s what kept her going from being away from Spencer and only being able to talk to him every so often. 

 “Hey,” Derek whispered, walking into the office that was only occupied but Y/N. 

 Y/N ignored him and kept repeating the quote under her breath. 

 “Y/N.” Derek stepped in front of her and grabbed her shoulders. “We’re going to find him.”

 “Yeah,” she nodded and wrangled her hands together. “It’s just this is all my fault. If I had pushed harder, maybe Strauss would have gotten him sooner or even put Landry in custody and then we wouldn’t be here right now and I could be back on the team and everything would be great and be normal. Spencer and I would be together and would be happy and hopefully engaged-” 

 Y/N’s blubber of ‘what if’s’ was cut off by Derek. 

 “Hey, hey.” He grabbed her shoulder and gave her a slight shake. “Wonder Woman we are going to find him and stop this.” 

 She nodded and fell into his chest, just needing a hug now. He wrapped his arms around her shoulder and held her for about a minute. 

 “Let’s go to the round table room, we got all the letters that were sent from Strauss,” Derek said, beginning to lead her to the door. 

 “How did she take the fact I didn’t come to her first?” Y/N asked while wiping the last of her tears. 

 “Not well at first, but I think she understood eventually.” 

 When they reached the round table room, the team was sitting all around it, copies of the letters that were sent scattered between them. 

 “This is clearly a classically possessive stalker,” Derek said as he finished one of the letters he was reading. 

 “Yeah, one who craves validation and recognition,” Blake added.

 “Yeah, she’s asking here ‘why won’t you see me?’, ‘do you think you’re better than me?’, within the five letters this comes up again and again,” JJ said as she flipped through her copies of the letters. 

 “Five?” Y/N asked from her seat across the table. 

 She had been silent for most of the time in the room. Her knees pulled up to her chest and her forehead resting on top of them. 

 “Yeah, there’s five,” JJ responded showing Y/N the letters.

 “No, no, that can’t be right, when Strauss sent me out there was only four,” Y/N let her feet hit the ground as she reached for her copies of the letters. 

 Sure enough, another latter had been sent since she was undercover. It came in yesterday. 

 “This got here yesterday,” Y/N pointed out. 

 “How do you know?” Rossi asked, flipping to the same letter she had in her hand. 

 “Because this is talking about the attack on Amelia,” Y/N said as she kept reading the letter swiftly. 

 “Who’s Amelia?” Blake asked quietly, not wanting to make Y/N jump at anyone in her frantic state. 

 “She’s a girl I’ve been counseling undercover, we’ve gotten really close, yesterday she was attacked.” Y/N kept reading through the graphic description of the attack, trying to not let it get to her as she looked for ideas where Spencer could be. 

 “Here, here, she talks about how she did this for him,” Y/N blurted when she finished reading over a line in the letter, pointing to the spot. “She was killing these people so that the team would come and investigate.” 

 “Well, we have her motive for the killing, also probably for the suicide she’s also talking about,” Blake said as she pointed out another thing in the letter. “Here it says, ‘when I find you I’m going to kill you than myself’.” 

 “Murder suicides the ultimate ‘I love you’ to these guys,” Rossi remarked.

 “Do you know when Landry started targeting Spencer?” Hotch asked, turning to look at Y/N. 

 “No, no, I just know she was in one of Blake’s linguistics classes, probably saw him guest speak, and…” she trailed off from there, not wanting to say the rest, knowing that the team knew it.  

 “Oh my god guys, I found Spencer,” Penelope blurted when a ping went off on her computer. “Well, not found, but I have video surveillance of him in Union Station last night, being drugged and carted away by the unsub.” 

 The team quickly crowded around Penelope’s laptop and watched the video. Y/N stayed rooted to the ground she stood on, not being able to watch the video.  

 “Alright, Morgan you and JJ go to the station where Reid was taken, see if anything was left as a clue, Blake and Dave, go to Spencer and Y/N’s apartment, see if there’s anything there,” Hotch ordered and the team began to stand up straight and grab their coats. 

 Hotch then turned to Y/N, still rooted in the ground and not moving. “How clear is your head?” 

 “Uh, I’m not sure, not really clear,” she stuttered, eyes staring at Spencer’s empty seat at the round table. 

 “I want to talk to Amelia about Landry but I need you there.” 

 Y/N nodded her head but didn’t move just yet.

 “Y/N,” Penelope said, stopping her as she began to turn. 

 “He wears the ring you know, never takes it off.” 

 “I know.” 

------------

 “Amelia?” Y/N asked softly as she entered the hospital room. 

 Amelia looked up from the book in her hand to see Y/N approach with Hotch behind her. “Hi, Y/N.” 

 “Amelia, this is Agent Hotchner, he works with me at the FBI, um he needs to ask you some questions.” 

 “Hi, Amelia,” Hotch said, walking closer to the side of the bed. 

 Y/N took a step back to watch. 

 “Hi,” Amelia responded. 

 “So Landry Stephenson is your roommate correct?” Hotch asked, starting off his questions. 

 “Yes.”

 “Does she have any place she would go beside your dorm?” 

 “She talked about her boyfriend’s place a couple of times,” Amelia answered after a pause for her to think. 

 “What’s his name?” 

 “Uh, I think she said it was Edmond,” Amelia shrugged. “She rarely talked about him, when she did, it was almost like she was imagining it.” 

 Y/N then had a flashback to when she walked into her’s and Spencer’s apartment one time. She remembered looking over to see a boy walking into his apartment a little down the hall, Landry by his side. 

 “Hotch,” Y/N stepped up getting his attention. 

 He turned his head to look at her. 

 “I know where the boyfriend lives.” 

------------

 “This bitch,” Y/N deadpanned as she walked up the stairs to the second floor of the apartment building where her and Spencer’s apartment lived. She walked swiftly up the stairs and down the hallway, bypassing her apartment that Rossi and Blake had just been in. 

 “Y/N, slow down,” Hotch said, catching up to her. 

 “She was right down the hallway from us, Hotch, how the hell do you expect me to slow down,” she seethed as they came to the apartment of Edmond Rayes. 

 “Let us handle it,” Hotch put his hand up, stopping her from knocking on the door.

 She nodded, still furious that she was this close to them this whole time. 

 “Edmond Rayes,” Derek said, pounding on the door. “FBI.” 

 Rossi pulled his badge out of his pocket and held it to the peephole. A second later, the door opened and revealed Edmond Rayes, with a stitched up forehead. 

 “FBI?” Edmond asked the common thing most people say when the FBI knocks on their door. 

 “What happened to your head?” Rossi nodded to the large gash. 

 “My ex pushed me into a mirror,” he answered, moving his body open to let the four of them in. 

 “That ex wouldn’t happen to be Landry Stephenson would it?” Y/N asked, speaking up for the first time. 

 “Yeah, how’d you know?” Edmond asked, clearly not recognizing Y/N’s voice from the few times she talked to him. He turned his head to look at her and then he recognized her, “Oh, hey Y/N.” 

 “Hi, Edmond.”

 “Do you know where Landry Stephenson is?” Rossi asked, getting straight to the point. 

 “No, should I?”

 “Well, that’s what we were hoping,” Rossi shrugged. 

 “When did you guys break up?” Derek asked the next question.

 “Uh, about three weeks ago,” Edmond answered, pausing to think of the exact timeline. 

 “And when did you get that cut?” Hotch asked. 

 “Two nights ago, Landry came back ranting about something she left here.” 

 Y/N began to wander the apartment, looking all around at the different pictures and figurines adorning the shelves. She wasn’t listening to the interview going on anymore, it just became background noise as she looked at the walls. 

 But then her ears tuned back when she saw an orange envelope slipped between two books. To the untrained eye, no one would have caught it. 

 “Edmond,” Y/N said, bringing everyone’s attention to her. “What’s this?” 

 Edmond cocked his head to the side as he looked at the envelope with Y/N. “I’m not sure.” 

 He pulled the envelope out from between the books and opened it. He pulled out about twenty photos of Spencer and Y/N walking in and out of his apartment. “I think I found what Landry was looking for.” 

 Y/N took the photos from his hands, flipping through them to see them all. They went back a couple of months. 

 “Y/N,” Hotch said nodding to the door of the apartment. Rossi took the photos from her hands as she walked past and followed Hotch out of the apartment. 

 “This means you’re a part of her victimology now, you know,” Hotch said calmly to her. 

 “Are you pulling me off the case then?” 

 “No.” 

 “Then let me go back in there to work,” she said, trying to push past him into the apartment. Hotch stuck his arm out and held her back. 

 “We will but you need a second,” He told her. 

 “Hotch, I was practically stalked by Caroline for my whole college life, this isn’t new to me,” she reassured him and walked back into the apartment. 

------------  

 “Okay we know numbers on female stalkers are minimal, only ten percent are female,” JJ said as the team sat around the round table again to regroup. Y/N took a seat on the couch behind the table, feeling like she needed to step back to see everything. 

 “All right, what tops the list of motivators?” Hotch asked. 

 “Prior sexual intimacy,” Derek debated.

 Y/N barked out a laugh accidentally at the thought. Everyone turned to her with confused glances. “Sorry.”

 “Erotomania?” Rossi asked, moving past the moment. 

 “Maybe,” Derek said. “You slept with me, I’ve built a whole life with us-”

 “No,” Y/N butted in. 

 “Y/N,” JJ whispered. 

 “JJ I know Spencer, we all do, he would not cheat on me, or-or do anything like that.” They all looked at Y/N sympathetically, knowing she was right but they were just saying all the facts. “What’s-what’s the next one?”

 “Celebrity stalking,” JJ answered. 

 “That one makes more sense,” Y/N said nodding her head. 

 “How? Spencer’s not famous,” Blake said shaking her head. 

 “But she was in your class Blake, and when he came to lecture, she became a celebrity to him,” Y/N said. 

 “That’s a stretch,” Rossi argued. “Celebrity stalkers are usually nonviolent.” 

 “You want to tell that to John Lennon, Rossi?” Y/N said standing up from her sitting position as she got angrier. “What was it that Mark David Chapman said after he shot him? ‘It was like all of my nobody-ness and all of his somebody-ness collided.’ Well, Spencer is somebody and-and this bitch is a nobody!” 

 Her sudden outburst made the room get quiet as she paced back and forth. They waited for a second for her to cool down.

 “I’m-I’m sorry, I don’t know where that came from,” she apologized as she continued her pacing. “My head’s too clouded, I need to leave, I’m not much help.”

 “Y/N, yes, you can be of help,” Derek said, trying to make her calm down. “You have the most communication with the unsub and Spencer.” 

 “She probably revealed details to you of where she would keep Spencer since she knew who you were,” JJ said in a calming voice. 

 “I don’t have a memory like Spencer! I can’t remember every damn word she said to me, how-”

 “Then pick one of us and we’ll go through each moment with you to help you find out,” Hotch cut her off. 

 Y/N stopped pacing, looking at everyone around the table. Truly, she would pick Penelope but that wasn’t a part of her job so she settled on someone else. 

 “Hotch, please,” she said quietly. 

 “Okay, let’s go,” He said standing up and leading her out of the room. 

------------

 “This is where you want to talk?” Hotch asked as the two reached the park that had many chess boards in it. 

 “It’s where Spencer and I went on our first date, he tried to teach me chess. I need a spot that reminds me of him,” Y/N said as she took a seat at a table. She really sucked at chess, but she knew how to play because of Spencer, but she never beat him. 

 “Okay.” Hotch took a seat across from her. He then moved a pawn to begin the game. “Try to focus on the board and not my questions, just say whatever comes to your mind.” 

 “Okay.” Y/N moved one of her pawns. 

 “When you first think of Spencer what’s the first thing you think of?” 

 “Home,” Y/N laughed as she moved her chess piece. “He-he makes me feel like home. Warm, cozy, and safe.”

 Hotch stayed quiet as he smiled at Y/N. Of course, he knew about their relationship, the whale team did, but they were very private about it. They stayed professional most of the time and no one would assume they were dating if they saw them on the job. This was the first time he really heard about how she really felt about him.

 “So if this is a case of celebrity stalking, why do you think she didn’t go after you to get to Spencer?” Hotch asked as he made his next move. 

 “I’m not sure, to be honest, I wish she did take me instead of him,” Y/N moved her rook. “Maybe she was devolving and her desire to get to him first was too strong so she just...went for him.”

 “Maybe,” Hotch moved his knight. “But why would she choose Spencer, in her mind, they must connect somehow.” 

 “But how?” 

 “Maybe Spencer said something in a lecture that had her make a connection?” Hotch moved another pawn. 

 “Could be…” Y/N moved her other knight. 

 “When you spoke to Landry, did she mention any of her classes?” 

 “No, she didn’t really talk much, she would answer yes or no to my questions…” 

 “Landry, do you have anyone special going on in your life right now?” 

 “Well, I sent in an article to someone I admire again, and I’m hoping they get back to and like this one more than my last.” 

 “Oh my god,” Y/N muttered as she remembered the conversation. 

 “What?” Hotch asked. 

 “Months ago, Spencer was helping some students with thesis and articles they wanted to be published. He then asked for input on a ‘Journal of Behavioral Psych’ article. This one student sent in a theory that was completely improbable and stupid, but I couldn’t even tell you what it was. But that same student kept sending in more stuff like it, and Spencer kept politely rejecting it,” Y/N rambled. 

 “It was Landry that sent in those articles,” Hotch realized. “She wants to be accepted by him.” 

 “She told me once a couple of weeks ago that she sent in another and was hoping it would get accepted,” Y/N looked up at Hotch with teary eyes. “I didn’t make the connection until now.” 

 “It’s not your fault, Y/N, okay, come on let’s get back to the office.”

-------------

 “Landry Stephenson, along with being a major in Linguistics at George Town, she was working on getting her psychology degree online,” Penelope said as she pulled up a photo of Landry on the screen. 

 “Do you have the articles she sent to Spencer?” JJ asked. 

 “Yeah, and like Y/N said, they’re waka-doodle,” Penelope answered.

 “Looks like when Spencer rejected her last article, she dropped out of her online classes,” Rossi said as he looked at the papers Penelope handed them. 

 “Correct,” Penelope said, taking a seat at the table. “I also found an off campus apartment that looks like she stays at on the weekends.” 

 “Dave, you, Y/N, and JJ take the apartment. Blake and Morgan, take the campus dorm,” Hotch ordered. 

 “What was the last article about?” Y/N asked quickly before they could leave. 

 “It says here, ‘How the behaviors of cells change when suicide is inevitable’,” Derek read from the file. 

 “There’s her suicidal ideation again,” Blake remarked. 

 “Except that’s not true, why is she so obsessed with it?” Y/N asked. She now understood why Spencer was rejecting her articles, if they were all like this, they were related to her emotionally. 

 S.W.A.T. busted through the door of the apartment, breaking it off its hinges. They walked in quickly, making sure all the rooms were clear before they could relax and begin their search.

 Y/N, JJ, and Rossi began to look around the apartment. Their eyes landed on a wall covered in family pictures and a newspaper clipping about a double suicide. Of her two parents. 

 “Is this a shrine to her dead parents?” JJ asked as she looked at the wall. 

 “Her parents committed suicide,” Y/N muttered and pointed to the clipping. “That wasn’t in her file.” 

 “Uh, guys,” Rossi called from a back room he wandered to. “You might want to come to look at this.” 

 JJ and Y/N walked to the room quickly. When they entered Rossi had pulled open a small closet door, revealing a bunch more pictures of Spencer. 

 “Oh dear god,” Y/N muttered as she looked at all the pictures. If Spencer wasn’t kidnapped by this girl right now, she would probably find this humorous.

 “She’s watching us,” Rossi nodded to a camera in the corner of the room. 

 JJ and Y/N turned to the camera behind them to see a green blinking light flashing. JJ quickly pulled out her phone and called Penelope. 

 “Garcia,” JJ said when she heard her answer. 

 “What you got, Mama Grizzly?” 

 “There’s a webcam in here can you hack the feed?” JJ asked. 

 “Ohh,” Penelope groaned as she tried to hack the feed. “She’s spoofing the IP address and she’s encrypted the feed.” 

 Y/N searched around the room, finding a piece of paper and marker. She quickly wrote ‘me for him’ on the page and held it up to the camera.

 “What are you doing?” Rossi asked as he watched Y/N write. 

 “Making a deal,” Y/N responded, finishing the message. The two agents watched as Y/N held the paper up to the camera.

 Y/N prayed that this would get her in to find out where Spencer was because they were running out of time now. 

 After about thirty seconds of Y/N holding up the message, the apartment phone began to ring. Y/N set down the paper and rushed to the phone.

 “Hello?” 

 “It’s me,” Spencer’s voice said back through the phone. 

 Y/N let out a breath of relief that he was still alive. “Spence, are you okay?” 

 “Yeah, yeah I think so,” Spencer stuttered. “I’ve got a concussion and some bruising, but I’m okay.” 

 “Can I speak to Landry?”

 She heard Spencer take in a sharp breath. “No, she’s listening.” 

 “Good, I need to meet her, I need to talk to her,” Y/N said, hoping she was playing her cards right now. 

 “She has a message she wants me to give to you,” Spencer spoke softly, clearly uneasy as his words were slightly slurred. 

 “What is it, bub,” she hoped using his nickname would give him some strength. 

 “The message is, she left you a present and if you want to find it, it’s easy as pie,” Spencer’s voice was slurred, almost like he was falling asleep. 

 “What does that mean? I don’t get that,” Y/N said, rubbing her forehead as she tried to think. 

 “Neither do I,” Spencer mumbled. “Y/N don’t come, it’s a trap! She’s gonna kill you-”

 The line went dead.

 Y/N thought for a moment, then she had a thought. “I need a map of D.C.” 

------------

 When Y/N, Rossi, and JJ arrived back at the BAU, Y/N had plenty of time to think about the riddle and decipher most of it. 

 A map was set up on a board when they walked in. She quickly picked up a blue marker. 

 “We don’t have a lot of time so I’m going to make this as quick as possible.” Y/N took the cap off the marker then began marking things. “This is Landry’s off-campus apartment- this is the nearest tower her phone call to me pinged off of, which means this-” she used a compass to draw a circle around the spots- “is the circle that Spencer was telling me about.”

 “What circle?” Hotch asked. 

 “It was a clue in Landry’s message, finding her would be as easy as pie, but she wasn’t talking about the food, she was talking about the number Pi.” Y/N wrote the first three digits on the board. 

 “Pi,” Penelope said and turned back to her laptop to start some calculations.

 “Why would she give you a clue?” Hotch asked. 

 “Spencer has a doctorate in mathematics, so of course she would use math to lure us in because she wants Spencer to think she’s just as smart as me and him,” Y/N relayed the conclusion she had come up with on the car ride back.

 “All right, assuming that Landry has a secondary location, wherein the circle would she hold Reid?” Hotch nodded to the circle she drew on the map. 

 “She’d need a building that would allow for privacy and control, a closed garage for prisoner transfer…”

 “If she’s trying to insert herself into Spencer’s life, maybe she has it close your apartment,” Hotch suggested.

 “There’s nothing in Landry’s name,” Penelope said after searching with the suggestion. 

 “Try Y/N’s or Spencer’s,” Hotch said, turning around to look at Penelope. 

 “Nope.”

 “What about Landry’s parents?” Y/N squatted down next to Penelope as she typed. 

 “Yes, yes,” Penelope said excitedly as she got a hit. “Landry rented a loft across from your’s and Spencer’s apartment building in her parent’s name.”

 “Y/N,” Hotch said, bringing her attention over to him. “I can’t let you be a part of this takedown.”

 “We don’t have a choice if I don’t go in there. Spence's dead,” Y/N said, her hands moving aggressively as she spoke.

 “And if you do you’re dead,” Hotch told her. 

 Y/N shook her head. “Hotch, we’ve known from the beginning she’s on a murder-suicide mission, but we didn’t stop to ask why she’s on that mission. We know now, it’s because she wants recognition, the type she believes Spencer can give her and if I go in there I can let her believe she is getting that.” 

 “How?” 

 “Because I’m going to break up with Spencer to do so.” 

--------------           

 The team pulled up to the building with the sirens blaring. S.W.A.T. had already arrived at the scene, ready for instruction from the team. 

 The team each hopped out of there respected vehicles, guns drawn and ready to save Spencer. 

 “Hang on, I got a box on the steps,” Hotch stopped everyone, carefully approaching the box. 

 “That’s the gift,” Y/N said, holstering her gun and walking up to the box.

 She picked it up, looking at Hotch to be sure it was alright who nodded. She pulled back the blue lid to reveal a small black velvet box. She pulled it out and opened it, seeing a beautiful ring inside of it.

 “Is that a ring?” Derek asked as he inspected it from a distance.

 “Take your gun and vest off,” Landry’s voice said through an intercom by the door. 

 Quickly, Y/N began to strip the vest off her torso and handed her gun and the ring to Hotch.

 “Now come in Alone.” 

 “Y/N,” Hotch tested, but Y/N didn’t look back at him.

 She opened the door carefully and slowly walked up the small set of stairs to a platform. When she reached the top, Landry rounded the corner and cocked her gun. 

 She walked over to Y/N slowly and grabbed her shoulder, placing the gun to her side. “Walk.”

 Landry pushed her down into a chair roughly. Y/N shifted uncomfortably and took a breath, trying to keep a cool front. 

 When she looked in front of her, she saw Spencer strapped to a chair. “Hi, Spence.”

 “Hi,” he whispered back. 

 “I was hoping you’d figure out my riddle,” Landry said as she moved behind Spencer, laying a hand on his shoulder. “I mean, I knew you would-” she snaked her hand under his shirt- “The fun was just how fast you did it.” 

 Y/N watched as Spencer stiffened uncomfortably under her touch. 

 “It took me a while, if I’m honest, I was kinda distracted by your article you sent in,” Y/N said, hoping she was right about her plan.

 Landry pulled her hand off of Spencer and looked at Y/N. “You read my article?” 

 “I did, the one on the behavior of cells during suicide? I couldn’t agree more,” Y/N lied hoping Spencer, even in his out of mind state, would be able to play along. 

 “Flattery is not going to get you out of this, because I know what’s waiting for me outside,” Landry said, pointing to the window with her gun.

 “I’ve arranged for your freedom,” Y/N bargained, again with a lie. 

 “The feds don’t make deals with people like me,” Landry stated matter-of-factly.

 “Not true, if you have something to help them; Nazi scientists helped with the manhattan project, Mafia bosses are put in witsec, if what you have is valuable enough, they’ll take you,” Y/N corrected her. “That’s why Spencer didn’t want to accept your article because he knew you were right and he was upset he didn’t come up with it first.”

 Spencer’s eyes lit in that realization moment that Y/N recognized. He was catching on to the game. 

 “It’s true after I read it, I was upset I couldn’t figure that out sooner, so I rejected it out of jealousy,” Spencer added, hoping that hearing him say it would allow her to believe it. “And what you have, is valuable.” 

 “And what do I have?” Landry asked, using her gun to make Spencer’s face look at her. 

 Please Spence, please say the right thing, Y/N plead internally. 

 “A brain that doesn’t work with normal societal rules.” 

 Right on the money, good doctor. 

 “I’m here because Spencer deserves someone like you, someone with a brain that’s as big and smart as his,” Y/N said, making her move to get Landry to hopefully let her guard down. 

 When Landry had no response, she spoke again. “Spencer, I’m sorry I don’t love you, I’m breaking up with you.” 

 Even though it was a lie, it hurt Y/N to say those words. It physically pained her. 

 “It’s okay, Y/N, I understand, because I chose Landry,” Spencer played into the lie. 

 Landry whipped her head around to Spencer. “You’re choosing me over her?” 

 “Yeah,” Spencer whispered. 

 “I don’t need her anymore,” Landry said, bringing her gun to Y/N’s head. 

 “Kill her and she won’t have to live with the fact that I chose you over her,” Spencer said, stopping Landry before she could shoot. “Let her live with her irrelevancy.” 

 “Fine,” Landry said, getting ready to push her out of the chair and out of the room. “But I just want her to see one more thing.” 

 Landry walked over, undid the zip ties, and connected her lips with Spencer’s. As best as he could he tried to play into it, but it felt too wrong and he barely even moved his lips. 

 Y/N just hoped Spencer could play it off long enough to where they could get her outside and arrest her.  

 “Liar,” Landry said, pulling herself away from Spencer. “Liar!” She pointed the gun at Spencer’s chest but quickly Y/N stood up and reached around her to pull the gun up as Landry fired a shot, missing Spencer completely. Y/N had got the gun out of her hand and it was thrown on the ground. 

  Landry quickly grabbed a knife off of a table next to her and held it to Y/N’s throat as the rest of the team entered when they heard the shot go off. 

 “Stay back! Stay back!” Spencer yelled as the team entered the room. 

 Y/N breathed in deeply as Landry held the knife to her throat. “Landry, Landry, remember what I said, I broke up with him, he’s choosing you, it’s going to take a second for him to be completely ready to kiss you or-or be with you.” 

 “Landry-” Spencer tried to plead.

 “You didn’t want me!” Landry screeched, the knife coming off of Y/N’s neck slightly. 

 “I didn’t,” Spencer told her honestly. “But we can still arrange for your freedom.” 

 “No, you love her and I’ll never be her.” 

 Y/N quickly reached up and wrestled with Landry for the knife. Somewhere along the line, the knife ended up and Y/N’s abdomen.

 Y/N sucked in a breath of pain as Landry pulled the knife out. 

 A shot sounded off from JJ’s gun and hit Landry in the chest as she turned around. 

 “Y/N!” Spencer’s voice echoed in the room as he ran up to her body falling on the ground.

 “We need a medic!” Hotch’s voice boomed. 

 He caught her and helped bring her down to the ground, hand pressing on the wound on her stomach. 

 “I’m okay, I’m okay,” she whispered, reaching a hand up to caress his cheek. 

 A tear rolled out of his eye, and that was just the beginning of them. 

 “Hey, bub, I heard you wore my ring,” she said, trying to bring him away from the fact she was just stabbed.

 “Yeah, yeah I do,” he choked. He grabbed the hand that was holding his cheek, kissing the back of it, and showing her the ring still on his finger. 

 “I-I think you got me a ring too,” she whispered as she remembered the ring Landry left for her at the front door that she gave to Hotch. 

 “I did,” he whispered back, holding her hand clasped against his face. 

 She smiled softly, beginning to feel her eyes get heavy. 

 “Hey, hey, sweets, keep those eyes open, the paramedics are almost here,” Spencer begged as he watched her eyes get heavy. “I love you.” 

 The paramedics pried Y/N out of Spencer’s arms and brought her onto a board, but Spencer kept trying to grab for her. 

 His sobs racked his body violently as JJ and Derek held him back from running to her unconscious body. JJ shushed his sobs and cries for Y/N as she was taken out of the room and into the hospital.

------------- 

 “Spencer,” JJ’s voice echoed in Spencer’s head. “Spence.” She shook his shoulder. 

 Spencer stayed still, not having moved from his position on the ER bed all night as he stared at the same linoleum tile. Y/N had been in surgery for hours and his physical exam to see his injuries had been long done. He came out with a minor concussion and a few bruises like he thought, but his heart was in need of fixing. 

 He couldn’t move, he couldn’t breathe without knowing if Y/N was okay. If she was alive. 

 JJ kept saying his name but gave up after her fifth try and had no answer. She settled with placing the ring that Y/N gave to Hotch beside him on the bed. 

 He glanced down at the ring in its box, then back up at JJ. His eyes watered and then he let the tears fall as he picked up the box. 

 He needed someone right now to give him a sense of hope, to give him something to hold on to. Because if he didn’t have something, he might lose everything. 

 “I’m scared,” he admitted to JJ in a whisper.

 “Oh, Spence,” she said sadly, wrapping her arms around his shoulder from her standing position. “She’s going to be okay, she’s too strong to die.”

 Spencer let out a sob as he hugged JJ back. 

 In the waiting room, the rest of the team sat anxiously. Derek muttered some prayer to a God he struggled to believe in, in hopes that he might grant some mercy for Y/N. 

 Rossi prayed to a God he did believe in. 

 Blake closed her eyes and just hoped. 

 Penelope sat staring at a random tile on the floor, muttering “She’s gonna be okay” under her breath repeatedly. 

 Hotch paced back and forth in the room. 

 Spencer was told by a doctor he was allowed to go to the waiting room with the rest of the team. It wasn’t really a suggestion though, the ER nurse gave JJ a pleading look because they needed the bed for other patients.

 “Spence, let’s go see the rest of the team,” JJ cooed, coaxing him up with one arm and leading him to the waiting room. 

 When they entered the room, each one of them looked up and gave Spencer a sad smile. 

 Penelope stood up from her chair though, walking over and standing in front of him. She was about to say something, her mouth opening, and closing while she struggled to get the voice out. 

 But Spencer knew what she meant and just nodded.

 Penelope let out a sob and wrapped her arms around Spencer tightly. Her tears were full of fear for Y/N and sorrow for Spencer. 

 “Family of Y/N Y/L/N?” 

 Everyone faced the doctor that walked into the room. 

 “How is she?” Rossi asked, being the only one who could voice the question. 

 The doctor let out a breath that was anything but reassuring. “She coded, but we were able to bring her back. She’s out of surgery now but we don’t know when she’ll wake up.” 

 “But she’s okay?” Spencer asked, needing to hear those words so he could breathe again. 

 “She’s okay.” 

 Spencer took in a breath, finally feeling like he could breathe again.

 “Can we see her?” Penelope asked. 

 “Yeah, follow me,” The doctor said and began leading the group to the room. 

 In the bed laid Y/N, connected to many I.V.’s and an oxygen tube up her nose. But she was there. Alive and breathing. 

 Spencer rushed to her side, grabbing her hand and lacing it with his. Tears of joy escaping his eyes. 

---------------

 Five days. That’s how long Y/N had been asleep for now. Hotch had given the team time off if needed, seeing as Y/N would need them as soon as she woke up. 

 Each day, a different member of the team would come in and hang out with Spencer. Who stayed there full time. He may have left once to take a shower and a couple of changes of clothes. Other than that, he hadn’t left Y/N’s side at all. 

 Penelope had brought many flowers, balloons, and baskets in for Y/N. She brought her favorite muffins for when she woke up, pink roses which were her favorite, and many balloons. So many balloons that when Penelope brought in more one day, he made her take some out so the new ones would have room. 

 Today was Rossi’s day in the rotation for visitation. He had been there a couple of times before, but only for an hour or two, today was his whole day he got to spend there. 

 “Hey, Kid,” Rossi greeted, handing him a coffee he brought. 

 “Hey, thanks,” Spencer said, taking the warm drink from his hand. 

 “No problem,” Rossi smiled, taking a seat in the chair on the other side of Y/N’s bed. “Has there been any changes?” 

 “No, doctors still don’t know why she hasn’t woken up,” Spencer sighed after taking a sip of the coffee. He looked up to her peaceful face. “I even called London, her best friend who’s a doctor and one of the best hospitals in the US, and she and her colleagues can’t figure out anything.” He took his hand out of her and brushed a piece of hair that had fallen in her face away. 

 Rossi smiled at Spencer’s gesture, hoping that she woke up soon so he didn’t have to watch Spencer torment himself anymore with staying there. 

 “How are you holding up?” Rossi asked, concern for the young man who he hadn’t seen outside this hospital in days. 

 “Alright, I guess,” Spencer answered truthfully.

 When a comfortable silence fell between the two, the sounds of beeping coming from the heart monitor beating like a slow metronome in the back, Spencer began to laugh at a thought he had. 

 “What’s so funny?” 

 “It’s not funny at all actually,” Spencer admitted and kept chuckling. “It’s just, um, on day three of her coma, I got mad.” 

 “At what?” 

 “At Y/N,” Spencer laughed, clearly needing sleep. “I was mad because when she left, she left me a letter and a ring, promising me she would come back safely, and now.” 

 Spencer's laugh soon faltered into a sob. “And now, she’s like this.” 

 Rossi looked at him with agony, he had never seen Spencer like this. So broken, so upset, so..unknowing. 

 “Spencer, I know it’s really hard to think of right now, but you have to push through,” Rossi told him, leaning forward in his seat. “You and I know she’s too competitive to die, she won’t let it beat her. Think of it as a time out in the game, she needs a second to figure out her game plan so she can come back and win.” 

 Spencer smiled at the analogy, reaching for Y/N’s hand again and squeezing it like he had done many times before. What surprised him this time about this time was, she squeezed back. 

 Spencer’s head jerked up to her eyes to see if hers were open. And low and behold, there they were, sparkling like they normally do and making his heart melt. 

 “Y/N…” Spencer whispered, standing up from his chair and sitting on the bed. His left hand reached up to caress her head. “You’re awake.” 

 “She is,” Rossi said with a bright smile, standing up from his seat. “I’m going to go get the doctor.” He reached his hand over the edge of the bed and squeezed her ankle before leaving.

 “Thank you,” Spencer said and turned back to Y/N. He let out tears from his eyes as he looked down at the woman he loved with all his heart. 

 “Hey, don’t cry,” she soothed, wiping his tears away that fell down his face. “I’m okay, see.” 

 “I know, I know,” he laughed with tears. 

 He reached down and let their lips mold together. He poured all the emotion he could into the kiss, letting go of her hand so he could use both hands to hold her face. Her arms reached up to the short distance so her hands could cup his neck. His lips tasted like coffee, but they were a pain killer for anything Y/N was feeling right now.

 “I love you,” Spencer whispered, his forehead resting on hers when they parted.

 “I love you too,” she mumbled with a smile.

 “Marry me,” Spencer blurted, pulling his forehead off of hers. 

 “What?” 

 “Marry me.” He dropped to one knee at her bedside, fumbling with the ring in its box as he pulled it out of his pocket. “I know that we have an inconvenient job, and terrible luck-”

 “We have the shittiest luck,” Y/N agreed with a laugh. 

 “We do. But I believe...I believe that with you, I am the luckiest man alive. And there’s no way I could spend my life without you because you are the love of my life Y/N Y/L/N. Every moment I didn’t know you were okay, it felt like I couldn’t breathe. I-I just can’t imagine me without you.” 

 Y/N had tears pouring out of her eyes now, she loved this man with all her heart and soul. 

 “So, marry me,” Spencer finished, opening the box to reveal the ring Y/N had seen the other night. 

 “Yeah,” Y/N whispered, nodding her head furiously. “Yeah, I’ll marry you.”

 Spencer’s mouth formed a wide smile as he pulled the ring out of the box and placing it on her finger. She reached up, grabbing her face and connected them in a loving kiss full of smiles and tears of joy.

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[poptod]

October 1st (Elliot Alderson x Reader)

Description: He waits until the last moment and it’s too late.

Notes: i wrote a love letter to my friend but im never gonna send it so im profiting off my misery. gender neutral as usual

Word Count: 1.9k

+

Sad, sick people have a tendency of gravitating towards each other, whether or not they're aware of the illness of the other person. You know this quite well – in your rather sick childhood, where your mind was plagued with thoughts of self hatred, most of the friends you made were just about as sad as you. Looking back, it is a rather horrifying thought considering you were only twelve and so ready to die. Your mother said you were exaggerating, and that makes sense. Things were dramatized back then. But there's a flicker of truth in there, a small part within the soul that truly believed they should be dead. There's no sicker thought than that.

This trait, that part of yourself, carried through into adulthood. Unfortunate, really – that means it isn't just teenage drama, it isn't just your peers or your family. It's you. You look at yourself in the mirror and realize with tired, drooping eyes that it was always you. There's a quote – something along the lines of, "some people grow sad very young, and I know this, for I am one."

Elliot is sort of like that, too. Well, the two of you get on fine – in both life and within your friendship – and you don't really need to talk about it. You're both well aware of the others' problems, but it doesn't need to be mentioned. All you do is sit in cafe's together so neither of you are approached by creepy people and smoke together at his apartment. It doesn't need to be more than that.

Despite that barrier in your head, he's still your best friend. Maybe because he's one of your only friends, the other being an internet friend who you visit every now and then. Oh well. You lead a pretty sedentary lifestyle – you don't need a lot of friends. Just one to hang around.

Still, he does get around sometimes. He gets up out of nowhere, you ask where he's off to, and he says out. Most of the time he doesn't let you come, but this time he has and he's just wandering around. Looking at people and rationalizing their presence, watching the birds on benches, staring at shopfronts. For a moment you think to ask why he'd take such excursions in such cold weather, but with a glance to his peaced out face you know he doesn't have an answer.

You suppose that's just fine – there's something about fall that has you enjoying time outdoors. The piles of golden and red leaves pushed up against the sides of the streets, the coffee signs in front of every cafe, each with their own drawings of steaming coffee, and of course the scents in the air. It's not a particularly nice part of the city, but it has a fair share of restaurants and most smell of apple cider and cinnamon. The taste of pumpkin is also there; probably because you're sitting next to a Starbucks.

People pass by you donned in fuzzy jackets and long scarves. You look a bit like them; you're not a fan of the cold, so you have mittens, a hat, boots, and a scarf. Elliot on the other hand is much the same, as usual, and you don't expect him to ever stray from that routine. You like his routine. It's familiar.

"I'm leaving soon," you finally blurt out, a topic barely in your conscious mind but ravaging your subconscious. It's both good and bad news, considering the trip is for getting a doctorate, but it's clear he doesn't feel the same way. His eyes widen and he looks to you almost incredulously.

"Where?" He asks.

"Berlin. They've got this program for foreign students. I'll finally be able to get my doctorate in linguistics," you say, nodding to yourself. "I, um... I don't know if I'll be back."

"Why not?" He asks in a softer, rougher voice.

"It's an expensive move, you know? And there aren't that many jobs for linguists here.. at least, there's more in Europe," you half mumble, staring at your fidgeting fingers.

He gets up and leaves. Without another word except an astounded stare out into space, he stands and leaves you on the bench. You almost go after him, but he's got that look about him, and you know he's a little lost in thought. It'll be fine – you won't leave for a little while (not until October, actually), which gives you some real time with Elliot, if that's what he wants. As hard as it is for people to read him, you have a knack for it. That's probably why he spends any time at all with you.

You're going to miss him quite a lot. Lying in bed, staring blankly at the ceiling in your sleep clothes, the clock well past midnight, you wonder if he'll miss you too. He hasn't talked to you since you told him, which you did a good week or so ago now. Guilt settles deep in your chest – he's a man of routine and you're seriously breaking it. Fortunately, it's not really your problem. You have your own life and it doesn't revolve around what makes him comfortable.

You still feel bad about it, though.

About two weeks before you're set to leave he finally texts you, telling you to come visit him, and though he doesn't say it you know he means one last time. You get it right before you're about to get in the bath, and instantly you reach for the drain, unplugging it to let it drain while you redress yourself. Something nice – not your sweatpants, no matter how warm they are in the late September chill.

Outside rain falls in great sheets, battering down on the already dead leaves and the many, many busy people. Most everyone you pass by is dressed in black – black coats, black pants, black umbrellas. It's like they're mourning a death, though the only death you can think of is that of summer. You don't have an umbrella in your bag, but there's enough people on the streets with umbrellas and enough overhangs that you manage to stay mostly-dry, till the crowd thins out around Elliot's apartment and you get drenched. Droplets of water run down your fully-soaked hair, falling cold on your eyelashes and turning your nose a blushing pink.

Excitement pounds through your heart at the prospect of seeing your friend again. People at your workplace are nice, but no one is quite as intricate or interesting like he is. Every person is special, as are you, but you find yourself looking for the same traits in all your friends. A sort of quiet person with far too much beneath the surface. That's the only way you know how to describe what exactly Elliot is – well, he's kind. Soft-spoken, usually. Lost in his thoughts. Distant. Compassionate, and surprisingly, warm. You don't hug him much but he's warm, and for some reason you never expect it.

He lights the joint, taking a few puffs to ensure it's working before handing it to you, leaning over the small couch so you can reach. Smoke clouds itself in your lungs, forming pockets of dry, happy thoughts in your head. It all comes out with your exhale, like the freeze of hot breath in winter and the fog of dry ice.

"I love you," you say. Blurting is becoming a bad habit for you, but that's okay. You won't see him for a long time, and you need to get it out, no matter how surprised Elliot looks. He always looks a little surprised. "You know that, right?"

He laughs – he actually laughs. A smile spreads across his usually dull cheeks, and a blush crosses him, pink around his grin and pronounced in his ears and the tip of his rounded nose. You can't help it so you smile with him, absorbing the entirety of his fluster. He's always so closed off. Maybe you help him out of that hole, but it's mostly wishful thinking that drives your thought process towards that.

A cloud of smoke releases itself from Elliot's mouth. He doesn't say anything in relation to your announcement, but you don't particularly expect him to. He's a little odd when it comes to affection. You don't mind it in the least, too caught up in memorizing his little movements and his breathy sighs to bother with the tough things.

So that's it. You spend one more afternoon-into-evening with him, and you don't see him again, not at the airport, not over text or Skype. There was a chance of that – you knew that, but it still disappoints and saddens you to watch the ground disappear, the last memory of your Elliot from several days ago. It feels as though it's already fading despite the fact that you remember every detail of your time with him. How could you forget?

Fidgeting with your bag on the plane, you close your eyes and wonder what things will be like when you get back, if you ever do. Your bag is a little like his jacket – a comfort, with fringes that are easy to fidget with, as much as it might annoy the person sitting next to you. Anxiously you dig your hand into your bag, looking for your anxiety meds, only for your fingers to brush against paper.

You don't have paper in your bag.

Pinching it between your fingers, you pull the paper out, revealing an envelope with your name on it. With shaking hands you tear open the glue, unfolding a note scrawled onto leaf paper. There aren't any lines for guiding, but the words are perfectly spaced.

(Y/N),

I'm not sure if I'll ever send this to you. Maybe not – everything is so unsure right now. My constants in this hectic state of the world are few and most are not good. My job, my scars, my anxiety, they never go away but neither do you. It may seem inconsequential to you – you're likable and you have other friends, but I don't. Not really. I have you, though, and it often feels like that's enough.

I always wanted a forever person; someone there throughout all life for better or worse. A bit like tonight – it ended with a bar fight, but somehow I enjoyed it. I looked to you and you were grinning and bashing a guy's head in, and somehow that made me smile. It's always better with you. I don't talk about that enough.

You're the good in the world. I find it hard to believe, much less articulate, how good you are. How kind. Understanding. Creative, open, pure in the best way. You make me want to become a better person, and isn't that what humans strive for? A connection with someone who makes you believe the world is capable of good, someone that makes you believe you'll be alright – so long as you stick by their side.

I don't write these kinds of things. You know that – I don't like bringing my deeper emotions to light. But you're safe and I trust you; I just hope you understand how special you are to me. You deserve so much good and I wish I could give that to you. I can't give you what I want to give you, but I will always be your friend, no matter what.

Elliot

He wrote this a while ago. That bar fight was a year or so ago – is that how long he's been keeping this letter back? Is this why he asked you to come over? ... Is this his attempt to get you to stay?

The plane's already over the ocean. You can't even see the shore anymore.

You realize just a little too late that he's the good in the world.

[chabby4memes]

My friends asked me a curious question.

One House, Five Operators and You- who do you choose- and where do you choose?

Now for me Personally, That's a real hard Question, Now, Undeniably at least one Medic Operator would have to be present, because my health is shit. That's between, Kal'tsit, Ptilopsis and Silence, so I'll allocate the Fifth spot for that choice.

Terms of Living Space? Kazdel, Sargon or Lungmen really, even Kazimierz doesn't seem too bad, I mean, they all have glaring flaws- but still, actually, nah, Siracusa, defo, Siracusa no question.

But Operators?

First, maybe we'll start off easy,

Lappland, Mainly because I think she's cool, also, Gallows humour and politeness? I'm in for it, as long as she don't mind music of large variation, she's cool with me- also, hope she don't mind hot sauce or Salty food.

Utage, Two School students that are able to manipulate their mental health results- sounds like a dream for the household medic- so anyway Utage's Chill, likes to party, Unlike me though. I'm chill but I'm a party-phantom, and I can sew, so my fashionability is probably not too down bad. Meh, I need someone who can get me out of my shell.

I know we already have a Lupo here but, Projekt Red, Two Emotionally constipated teenagers in one house let's go, three Teenagers in one house, one Child like Adult too. Me, I would love talk with her about random stuff, Exchange on Assassination info, and On my end, Of course my speciality is Language, Efficiency, and compacting. My dad may have been a cook, my mum may be unemployed, but I have learnt the family tradition of Smithing.

I was gonna put Vulcan here, but, I dunno if that's a good idea, so Vermeil, She's actually quite vengeful, like I can be, trust me, as my friends in real life, Namely Camellia and Mint, know, once someone got into a fight with a smaller friend of mine, I made a promise to beat the crud out of them shall they come by again. We've both lost people to disputes, I won't really talk about that here though, so I'm betting a coin that me and her are more similar than I'd like to really admit.

And Medic Slot at last, Some would say, Kal'tsit because of red, but, really, Imma go with Silence here, her sleeping habits are near identical to mine, and my main talent of getting people to bed, and with three troubled kid's + Utage and Lappland, Night would be hard.

And I know it's not sure whether any of these operators can cook, that's okay, because I sure as fuck can. I've basically been raising myself, I can pay for myself, and can cook, so I'm a Swiss army knife. Outside of Red's Lupo scaring tendencies, and Lappland, I feel the house won't be to Hard to manage, Can get my dad to build a house.

And my friend asked a few Separate questions that I'll answer here-

What race in Terra would you be? My friends all Said, Sarkaz, Sankta, Lupo or Lung, but I disagree rather strongly with Sankta, but I still feel I'd most likely be a Liberi or Sarkaz. They said I'd be a Mexican Wolf, or in one person's case when talking Liberi said, Vulture. A few honourable mentions in that group chat were; Rebbah(spot), Draco, Vulpo, Feline(Savannah Cat), perro(Saint Bernard), or in one person's case, Whatever the fuck is going on with sora.

Where would you wanna live most? On my own? Kazdel, Columbia, Sargon, Yen/Lungmen, Siracusa, Rhodes Island and Kjerag.

Which Operators do you trust the most? With my Life? Projekt Red or Ch'en, even Shirayuki or Vigna. Generally? Lappland, Scavenger, Saria, Silence. With a secret? Kal'tsit, Sussuro, Ceylon and Texas? Or just as a friend? Red, Texas, Gavial, Nearl?

Which place do you not wanna go in Terra? Laterano, RIM Biliton and Leithanien. Laterano is a specific thing, but, Guns really ain't for me- I really don't like law of, Just have Ur own Gun, non-style-style yanno? That and On the Topic of religion, due to my family, I have a fair bit of aversion, I'm open to talk about it, and I think it's really cool, but my background makes it hard to talk about.

Which Operators do you not trust? Easy, Silverash, W, Swire and Dobermann. Silverash and Dobermann are, a bit uh, Much for me, and W 'nd Swire are a bit. Uh. Hmm.

Do you think you would catch Oripathy? Nah, but, I do reckon that there are circumstances, like what happened to Gavial or Aciddrop, due to my overly aggressive and hostile nature when harassed, I can Imagine getting into a dumbass fight. Either that, or I'd catch it from an already infected folk. I don't see myself having much issues with getting close to them.

How do you feel about Oripathy? Trust me, I don't care if I die young, my catchphrase is Have fun Die young for godsake. It don't matter, I mean, cool magic in exchange for a shorter life? Sure.

Which Operators do your Ideals strike against the most? Do you think you could be friends with them? Maybe Gavial, but the rest like Ch'en, Sussuro, Amiya, maybe Nearl, not really, I don't really believe in humanity, and Family don't really mean Jack to me, if you're nice to me, I'll love you forever, but I'll still be a fair bit sceptical for a while. Maybe Ch'en would get it.

Which Operators do you see yourself befriending, Melantha, Popukar, Spot, Hoshiguma, Silence, Ptilopsis, Cuora, Red- I uh, Kinda have a record of Taking pints of Beer from the fridge when I'm sad. And my own childish, yet forcefully mature nature could get me scrapped emotionally, I like flowers, but I ain't a fan of Aromatherapy. To be honest- I've always been a depressed kid. But, Having friends makes life easier.

Which Operators would you put the effort into Befriending; Lappland, Saria, Deepcolor, Gavial, Vulcan, Hung, Matterhorn, Ch'en, Texas, Exusiai, Saga, Dusk. Trust me, Anyone who likes to cook gets an a-okay from me. Gavial and Saria are part of the five Medics I'd trust to examine me, with it Being Gavial, Saria, Silence, Ptilopsis and Ceylon. Lappland is actually Quite smart, love to play chess against her, may not be an author, but I'd love her approval on my Artistry or Writing. Dusk and Deepcolor are no-brainers.

What wouldn't you want your examiner to know? My rib damage, arthritis, and brain damage- all very sensitive. Or I'd want a really non-partial Operator like Ptilopsis or Silence doing the check. Also my fear of water is never to be known.

What kind of Operator would you be? Everyone said it before me, But A Specialist or Defender. I love to be a whackass on the battlefield, and my speciality for blinding people with Hot sauce, Salt, Sand and Lemon is noted throughout history. I always have Pepper on me, what else am I gonna drink? Yeah, I used to take Archery, and me being the dumbass I was, fucking used the target as a shield, and then I brought one in and we played with knives and stuff for shits and giggles. So yeah, give me a door and a knoife and I'm good.

Why would you work at Rhodes Island?Because I fucking can. Also to have work. I need to work, and currently, art, writing, linguistics and Combat are my talents. And I know how to bust illegal rings, because my mum nearly got her ass busted by me. Though, I am half blind. So have fun.

Your Med Exam? Shit. I can't do well in the health department, I suffer badly, so my mobility is shit. Only my Endurance and Tactical Acumen would be up there.

[asrisgratitudejournal]

Useless

Wow my last post was on 13/06 and today is already 22/06?

How was my last week? Well, not bad. But also not good. Basically got ZERO work done. Did nothing the whole week. Oh nggak deng. Berhasil ngerapiin database excel, but that's it. I think I did it on last Thursday? I don't know why but I definitely am going back to the cycle of "I don't think I can do this. This is very difficult for me. I don't think I suit this." I even made a Tumblr post draft to trick my brain into writing a piece of scientific paragraph 4 days ago? But it just won't work.

Hhhhh sebelum spiraling into the world of negativity where I keep thinking of myself as useless (therefore the post title), let's, first of all, be grateful for things I should be grateful for:

1. My Biore sunscreen is here! It just arrived (like 5 mins ago) from Japan. Finally! Setelah battling nyari-nyari di amazon akhirnya nyampe juga walaupun agak mahal. Dan agak nggak berguna ya, since there will be no more sun anymore, not at least until this weekend. Huf. I hate British summer.

2. Got to have a pretty relaxing weekend. Last weekend, I got to pick up my Exeter stash on Saturday morning, did 20 min yoga with Kalina, did an Instagram live with Bunga (an Indonesian student working on English education in Lampung, apparently she found me via youtube -- wow thank you Edsel!), in which on the live I coughed a lot and my mom commented there telling me to drink water -- God, I love my mom so much), played badminton (a pretty intense session), and ate dinner out with Kalina, Arthur, and Hami (we got decent ramen in Westgate!). As for Sunday, I did basically nothing in the day and went to Rosa's landlord's garden party at 6 pm. It was a lovely evening, even though it's pretty cold outside and there's no sun at all. I got to meet Archu, Gupreeth, Vance (basically the badminton guys), and also new people (Carina, an Indonesian who's now a post-doc and team leader of AstraZeneca -wow-, Dexter, Rosa's landlord who's 57? and love Bob Dylan too much, Coraline, a french linguist student who was Dexter's past tenant, and Tim, Coraline's boyfriend, a German. 2 of Dexter's neighbors also came, but I didn't get a chance to talk to them so....

3. My sister's birthday present has arrived! I bought them TXT's freeze boy version. And it was there yesterday. She didn't get Soobin/Yeonjun as her photocard (she got Taehyun instead) but it's okay, though. Glad she's happy with what I got. Now I currently am still contemplating whether I should buy physical Butter or not because it's pretty expensive, but I really want themmm. Hhhh. Let's see until we got a teaser to help decide.

4. Some of my students passed the olympiad selection! On the weekend, I still take some gigs to teach for olympiad prep online (just so that I got things to do besides my research basically). And 3 of them passed the district selection which means I will have to have more sessions on the weekend! Yey! (Not sad at all to have more works to do because only by doing this side job I feel worth it and useful in a way?).

5. Got a bit productive today(?). I don't know if this is something to be proud of. But as for today, I already made myself work on someone's recommendation letter and also replied to some emails. I also did the laundry this morning! Yesterday I only made myself take a shower and I already considered that as an accomplishment. The bad weather is just adding more excuses for me to not go to the office today and yesterday :(

Let's wish for a better and productive day, shall we?

Best,

Asri

22/06 9 Woodlands Close, 14:38 pm

[sailorportia]

Femslash February 2020, Day 2

Fandom: Little Witch Academia Pairing: Diana Cavendish/Akko Kagari Prompt: Pining

approx. 1,700 words, rated T

also available on AO3

Summary:   Diana Cavendish is not *pining*, nor is she *yearning* or *mooning.* She simply wants to spend more time with her *friend* Akko. Is that too much to ask?

Tags: Pining, Fluff

It had been a day and a half since Diana had last spoken to Akko. Precisely speaking, it had been thirty-six hours and thirty-four minutes—Diana had been diligent in noting the time at which she had apprehended Akko attempting to steal from the school's pantry yet again. They had exchanged greetings since then, but that hardly counted as a proper conversation. She did the same with teachers. She wanted to talk to Akko.

Diana fiddled with the food on her plate as she gazed across the length of the cafeteria to Akko's table. The energetic girl was shovelling food into her mouth, occasionally stopping to speak animatedly with Lotte and Sucy with her mouth still full. It was shockingly impolite, utterly unbefitting of a student of Luna Nova Academy. So why then did Diana wish so desperately that she were the one Akko was speaking to?

Would it be peculiar if she walked over to Akko's table and struck up a conversation with her? She had no pretext for doing so. It would be rude to interrupt Akko when she was eating and already speaking with her other friends (though it would be nice if she were to do those activities separately). Diana didn't want to make a nuisance of herself, but she didn't want to wait until after classes or, Nine Olde Witches forbid, until tomorrow to talk to Akko...

"She's definitely pining," Hannah said.

"Like an evergreen," Barbara agreed.

Diana's fork scraped against her plate in an ear-grating screech. "Pardon?"

"We were talking about Avery," Hannah said. "She's totally yearning for Amanda."

"It's totally obvious," Barbara said. "The way she's mooning over that delinquent is almost as bad as Hannah."

"Hey! I do no such thing!"

Diana tuned out the sound of her roommate's squabbles to reflect on her own thoughts. She was not pining, nor was she yearning or mooning. That was ridiculous. Admittedly, she was fond of Akko, and her feelings bordered onto that of an infatuation, but whatever she felt for Akko was easily reined in and in no way affected her behaviour. She wasn't some lovesick fool, and she certainly wasn't pouting over not getting to talk to Akko as often as she'd like.

But if that were the case, then why had she been afraid that Hannah and Barbara were talking about her?

Diana pinched the bridge of her nose. She was being foolish. If she wanted Akko's attention, she would simply strike up a conversation with her. There was no point in lingering on those feelings and doing nothing about them.

She quickly finished her lunch and stood up from the table. "If you'll excuse me, girls, I have something I need to attend to." After making a quick detour to put her dirty dishes in their proper place, she made a beeline for the Red Team's table. As she approached, she could hear them talking.

"What do you mean we had homework for Magical Linguistics?" Akko shouted.

"Finnelan said it three times," Sucy said. "Looks like you're going to get detention again."

"Um, you can copy off mine," Lotte offered. "But this is the last time, okay?"

"Lotte! You're a life-saver!" Akko threw her arms around her bespectacled friend.

Diana, only two tables away from them, stopped dead in her tracks. Her heart thudded painfully in her chest, almost jumping out of her throat. Tendrils of envy snaked around her body and squeezed tightly—just the way that Akko's arms never did.

She turned around and went back to her own table, hoping that Akko hadn't seen her aborted walk to her table. Hannah and Barbara seemed surprised that she had returned so soon, but one look at her troubled expression was enough to deter questioning.

In all her life Diana had never met anyone as openly affectionate as Akko. Hannah and Barbara were at times just as brazen, but only with each other. Akko was clingy with everyone. Everyone except Diana, it seemed.

As pitiful as she felt for admitting so, it bothered her. It wasn't as if the two of them weren't friends—Akko had insisted upon it. However, Akko still considered her a rival of sorts. Perhaps that explained the gulf between how she acted toward Diana and how she treated her other friends. Ordinarily Diana disliked those who had no regard for the personal space of others, but now she found herself wanting Akko to invade hers.

Akko could very well hug whomever she liked, but that didn't mean Diana didn't feel left out. She had to mentally berate herself after she caught herself keeping a mental tally of how many times she saw Akko hugging someone who wasn't her. Honestly, she ought to be ashamed of herself. She couldn't ask Akko that she be treated as special among her friends, but she found it agonizing that she was being set apart from the others.

She watched despondently as Akko left the cafeteria with her friends. The object of her affections turned around just inside the door and the two of them made eye contact. Akko flashed one of her adorable, goofy grins and waved. Diana looked away in embarrassment, as if she'd been caught doing something disreputable. By the time she recovered enough to look up again, Akko was gone, and she felt all the worse for it.

That settled it. Diana Cavendish was, indeed, pining.

*

Just because Diana acknowledged her own feelings and that she was, in fact, yearning for attention from Akko didn't mean she had any idea what to do about it. Would it seem needy of her if she asked Akko to spend more time with her? Would she be bothering her by asking for a hug? After all, surely Akko had a reason for never hugging her. Was it possible that the two of them weren't as close as Diana thought? The idea was unbearable.

Unsure of what to do, Diana limited herself to unproductive pining. She wanted to be closer to Akko, but the prospect of even physically closing the distance between them was daunting. She kept Akko at arm's length, even as she felt the pain of not being at her side as others were. On one occasion when her crush invited her to join them, Diana stiffly made an excuse to be elsewhere and cursed herself the second she was out of the room. Her feelings were making a complete fool out of her, and she didn't know what to do about it.

Diana hid in her room as much as possible, justifying her cowardice by catching up on some extra-curricular reading. After three days she had accumulated a stack of library books which she only dared to return under the cover of night, lest she unexpectedly run into Akko. She slipped over to the library just before curfew and placed the books on the desk where they belonged. When she turned around, she saw the library's only visitor sitting at one of the tables.

"Akko?" Her voice ratcheted up an octave. "What are you doing here so late?"

Akko grinned. "I'm doodling goatees and devil horns on the witches in the textbooks."

Diana blinked. "I'm going to get Professor Finnelan."

"I'm kidding!" Akko yelped. "I was reading this doorstop about magical theory." She slapped the heavy tome. "I didn't understand something in today's assignment. Um, I still don't, but I'm trying!"

"How diligent of you." Diana felt a powerful urge to sit down with Akko and explain the topic in intimate detail, perhaps feigning exhaustion so she would have an excuse to rest her head on Akko's shoulder... Diana came to her senses. "Make sure you return to your dorm room before curfew." She turned to leave the library before her feelings got the better of her.

"Diana!" The shout was followed by the scraping of a chair against the floor.

"Akko, please. We're in a library. Could you keep your voice—" A pair of arms circled Diana's waist and she shrieked from sheer surprise.

"Keep your voice down," Akko murmured against her shoulder. "We're in a library."

Diana should've been offended that Akko of all people was telling her to be quiet, but her brain had stopped working. "Wh-why are you hugging me?"

"You looked sad! You've been moping for days!"

"I have not been 'moping', nor have I ever 'moped.'"

"Nuh-uh! You look miserable like someone stole your Magical History notes." Akko hugged her tighter. "Tell me what's wrong!"

How could Diana possibly verbalize her thoughts under these circumstances? Admitting her feelings, the source of her dismay, could have unpredictable consequences—she didn't know how Akko would receive them, given the distance Diana perceived between them. She settled on the simpler, incomplete truth. "Why haven't you hugged me before now?"

"Eh? Well, I noticed that you aren't really touchy-feely with anyone, not even Hannah and Barbara, and sometimes you get all wigged out when I get really close to you, so I figured you didn't like hugs." Akko paused. "Uh, should I let go?"

"Most certainly not."

"So that's how it is," Akko giggled. "You were jelly because I wasn't giving you any hugs!"

"I—that's not—" Diana was thankful that Akko couldn't see her face from this angle. "We need to return to our respective dorm rooms imminently."

"Awww, somebody's shy!" Akko gave her another squeeze. "Wait, I have to put my book away. Don't leave without me!" She let go of Diana to take care of her business.

Diana smoothed out her unruffled uniform and willed her face to cool down. By the time Akko made it over to her at the library's entrance, she had recovered her composure. "Shall we?"

"Let's shall!"

Akko walked unusually close to Diana as they made their way through the hallways. "Y'know, if you needed a hug, you could've just asked for one."

"I didn't need a hug." True enough; she wanted a hug, which was much more difficult for her to admit.

"Don't be silly. Everybody needs a hug sometimes. If you don't get enough skinship, your body gets depressed. That's science!" Akko reached over and grabbed Diana's hand. "If you need some love, don't hesitate to ask!"

Diana turned away so that her hair would shield her from view. She gave Akko's hand a gentle squeeze. "I'll keep that in mind."

[studyscrasic]

Hm, thinking properly about the fact that I’m really hoping to go back to school this fall, if the universe is a little kinder this year (I had been gearing up to last fall and then... well.... it didn’t seem worth applying just to do all my courses online, especially since I need a lot of lab credits and I can’t imagine doing those via distance learning).

On the whole I don’t know that it will impact too many of my self-study efforts since like, it wouldn’t be until August anyways, and even once it starts I hope I could still juggle some practice on the side (especially if I establish some good habits/connections to language-learning communities earlier in the year, which, seems like it’s going well so far?), except for the fact that with the degree I’m looking at transferring into (a Biology, Society, and Environment B.A. in the liberal arts college, instead of their just plain Biology B.S. in the college of biological sciences, which would have been more akin to the bio degree I was working towards at the other two schools I’ve attended) I would suddenly have a language requirement to fulfill.

Which like! Is great actually, I have really wanted to take language classes in college, especially since I loved my brief experience taking Mandarin in high school before the program got cut. Before, as someone working towards a science degree it wasn’t something that was ever in my course plan and I was always a little sad about that. So I love, love, love that I’ve got the option to do this degree now (assuming the let me in as a transfer student in but my GPA should be good enough?) that’s still a full biology degree but has a whole social sciences/liberal arts component baked in as well. (Plus it’s a dang cool degree program!) But it also means I have to pick which language I’m going to take, and they just have so many options! Also I am unfortunately tempted to choose something that isn’t one of my target languages -- especially since they don’t offer any Celtic languages to start, and I feel like German has so many good self-study and practice resources that I feel like I should pick something that’s harder to learn on my own for my classroom language.

Anyways it’s not relevant now and I don’t even know for sure it’ll be relevant this fall (I have to get in and the pandemic has to lift more, but both those things seem, like, eminently possible?) but I realize I should probably at least like. Think about the options so I don’t have to rush my decision, and potentially so I can plan around the fact that I may end up adding another TL this year even despite my best efforts not to (of course...) Out of what they offer I’m most interested in:

Somali -- there are NOT very many Somali resources out there; I’ve looked. But it’s one of the most commonly spoken immigrant languages here, and I think it could be great to learn a language that could help me communicate with some of the people here whose English isn’t as strong, especially since I tend to work public facing jobs (right now I’m a science museum educator, so talking to/teaching people is like... what I do)

Finnish -- I have ALWAYS wanted to learn Finnish, and found out a few months ago that one of my sister and I’s childhood friends is dating a guy from Finland, and is serious enough about the relationship that she’s probably going move there. My sister has even said she’d consider doing the same, since this is one of her closest friends. So like! Finnish could be more useful than I expected!

Ojibwe -- Hm so. This one is a much more tentative thought, because I would want to check to make sure my presence in the class is supporting the program at the university with my tuition as opposed to taking up seats from heritage learners/people specifically interested in linguistic revival. I’m very much white and get that the politics of learning Native languages are incredibly complicated, so would want to do a lot more research on those dynamics with Ojibwe and the program at the university specifically. But I also think that learning one of the languages originally spoken in the area I live in right now and spending time with the people in the program is the sort of thing that could be valuable with regard to like, cultivating my own allyship, and if that’s something that’s welcomed I would seriously consider looking into the program.

Aaaand last but not least, the university DOES offer Icelandic, but the trouble is I need 4 semesters for the language requirement and it’s one of only a couple language programs at the school that only offers 3! I’d have to find another university to do the last semester with, probably via distance learning, and I don’t super want to do that. I also can’t tell if it’s something they always offer and/or if it’s more of a guided self-study thing (which you know -- it’d encourage me to stick to it, but that’s kind of what I’m already doing!) so in general it’s very ??? I might at least talk to the Germanic/Scandinavian studies department about it, but it’s probably not what I’m looking for, much as I’d really like the chance to take a class in one of my TLs that it’s harder to find content for! It’d probably be my first choice if it wasn’t the complicated one, but that’s just not the case. :c

In total the school has almost 30 language programs which like. Aaaaaaaah. So really, thinking about four of them is already me being restrained (otherwise I might have, like, Hebrew or Korean on the list too). And I suppose the timing of classes might be the thing that decides it for me; obviously I don’t even know for sure I’m going back yet and I don’t think I’ll be able to officially narrow down a decision until I’m actually a student again. But I hadn’t realized until just the other day that I’m going to have to think about university language credits at some point, too which.... well, it’s sure a thing, huh

[musicalmagic]

Scared Of Being Swept Away (Self-Doubt)

Summary: You're a college student studying linguistics with Namjoon. He offers to help you study one day, but ends up scaring you when he attempts to get you to open up after you keep saying you're stupid and'll never get anything. Namjoon then ends up drunk on your doorstep after texting you, apologising and worried for you. The next day is when he finally realises why you're so afraid. 

A/N: The first of my stories to reach past 1k into 2k territory (included the alternate title as well). I hope you don’t mind such a lengthy one-shot, I’m open to writing more for all the members for the stories I’ve written. I did really enjoy writing this, as you must’ve guessed! Hahaha, wow... This story was also the hardest for me to write so far... 

*Pairing: Kim Namjoon x Reader

*Word Count: 2,136

*Genre: Fluff

*Warnings: None

“You’ve used the wrong word for this again, _____.” Namjoon calmly explained. You were both friends in college studying Linguistics. Currently, you two were going over syntaxes. Of course Namjoon picked everything up well (but you were sure it’s because of his motivation…), you however, kept getting mixed up between word grammar and operator grammar.

“I’m telling you Namjoon, I’ve got this,” you assured him.

He rolled his eyes, “Yes, sure. You got confused about reduction and mis-labelled it for word grammar. I believe that.”

“Come on! It isn’t my fault I can’t pick this up! I’m not smart like you Namjoon!” You grumbled, dramatically dropping your pen on the textbook in front of you. He picked up the rolling pen, twirling it absentmindedly, amusement traded in for worry.

“____, you are. You may not believe me, that’s okay. Smartness, intelligence, everyone’s different, you know?” He leaned back in the library chair, watching you as you bit your lip, “Your talent lies in other things, and besides,” He moves closer to you, pointing the pen to your heart, “It’s all about perspective. You believe you aren’t smart, that’s fine. But may I pose the question, if you thought you were all the time, what would you think then?”

“I would be ignorant into my own thinking, Namjoon,” you replied while crossing your arms. Namjoon placed the pen in front of him.

“True. But now, going back to saying you weren’t, if you recognise your own perspective, isn’t that intelligence? Plenty of people claim they are geniuses, high IQ, no? Personally, I believe that if you see your own faults, that’s how you can grow. If I say that I’m smart since I was born, that isn’t growth, is it?”

You sigh, Namjoon’s lectures always seemed to go over your head. You stared at him with a puzzled expression.

“Okay, maybe,” He sighed, “Sorry…Maybe we should just keep studying.”

“I should be the one apologising, sitting here making you study with me.”

Namjoon tapped the table all of the sudden, startling you.

“Let’s go,” he said quickly, gathering all of his things, and yours straight after, “We need a change of pace.”

You get tugged out of the college library, the brightness of the sun glaring against your eyes. Namjoon wraps his hand around yours softly, pulling you along to a nearby park.

“Namjoon—!” You start to say before he sat you down and hold your hands close to your heart.

Namjoon breathes deeply before whispering, “See here, that’s where I want you to focus. _____, how do you see yourself?”

“Stupid,” you replied softly.

“Let it go.” He stated.

“What?” You asked, confused.

Namjoon lets his own hands drop to his lap, “Let it go.” He said again.

“Let go of…?” Sighing gently, Namjoon holds your hands that were pressed against your chest, pulling them downwards to your lap, copying him from just before.

“What you think,” he replied simply, studying your expression, “You need to, _____.”

You shake your head, “I can’t, Joonie. I just can’t do that…”

“Are you afraid of it?”

“No…” He stared at you as you dug your nail into your palm. Nervously trembling.

“What’s stopping you?” You don’t look at him, preferring to stare at the tree behind Namjoon. Spring is gently touching the leaves, turning the colours to a nice, tranquil green.

“…____?” He tried again. You still don’t reply.

______

After your humiliating study session with Namjoon, you ended up sulking. Why did he have to do that?

He texted you after you left, after you went to go for a coffee. You were waiting in line to order when a message from him popped up.

[Namjoon: 4:23pm] I’m sorry for stressing you out.

You quickly typed out your reply.

[You: 4:23pm] Can you please not do that again?

[Namjoon: 4:28pm] I won’t ever again. That was wrong of me. I shouldn’t have overstepped like that.

Pleased, you ordered an Ice Americano instead of a latte (what you were originally going to order), as a small treat and headed back to your apartment. Namjoon didn’t text you again pretty much the entire day and early evening the next day. Until, you got a message from a drunk Namjoon, very rarely would Namjoon drink; so him drunk is a novelty despite being in college.

[Namjoon: 6:12pm] ____, don’t you now I hare tgar youew mean to urself?

[Namjoon: 6:12pm] I try ti help youuu but I feel likw it sometems goed nowhere… 

You chuckled at his drunk writing, but a little teary at what he was saying (well, trying to say).

[You: 6:14pm] Namjoonie, please drink some water. You’re drunk right now…

[Namjoon: 6:14pm] Nooooo I don’t wanna :( :(

Ah, he sounds so needy…It’s weirdly cute, you thought to yourself as you typed out your reply. But, a knock from your apartment door broke your concentration. When you walked over to the front from the living room, you were surprised to find Namjoon standing there.

As you opened the door, Namjoon crushed you into a bear hug. You had to physically man-handle him inside as he clung to you. Shuffling him into the living room to sit down.

“Kim. Nam. Joon. What are you doing here?” You asked, a little crossed, but also a bit worried.

Namjoon looked like a sad puppy as he replied, a little slurred, “I wanted to see youuu.”

“But Namjoonie, you shouldn’t have come over drunk!”

“I-I felt really badddd…” He said sourly, pouting.

You sighed, rubbing your forehead. After a couple moments of him staring at you, you headed off into the kitchen to get a glass of water. You returned to Namjoon hugging your pillow, but it was looking close to popping.

“N-Namjo—” The pillow popped.

You stood there just as stunned as Namjoon was, and him being drunk, was slower to realise what just happened. He slowly looked up at you with puppy-dog eyes as he held the lifeless pillow, looking close to losing it.

Once again, you sighed. Albeit a little heavier than before.

That’s when the rant happened, “I’m sorry ____! I didn’t mean to pop the pillow I seriously didn’t want to do that I don’t know what you want me to do and I promise you this wasn’t meant to happen please don’t get mad I’ll pay you back,” you tried to interject, calling his name, but he just kept going, “I-I really didn’t want to pop it and I’m sorry for coming over like this I just felt so bad and worried and that I betrayed our friendship or that you wouldn’t like me anymore,” you stopped him by belting his name this time.

“Namjoonie!” He stopped immediately, mid-sentence and looking like he was caught chewing on his owner’s shoes, “Please stop rambling, okay?”

You gave him the glass of water, which you held through all that time, “Drink this and stay here. You obviously, somehow rode your bike here, but I doubt you’d be able to do that back home now.”

He sniffled, it was cute, but you were more worried about the man on your couch drunk and in a panicked state. You were more worried if he was okay.

“I’m sorry…” he softly pleaded. You patted his head as he drank the water, “No biggie, okay Namjoonie? Nothing to be so upset over. It’s just one pillow,” you cooed.

He had finished quickly, a slight blush on his cheeks as he handed the empty glass back to you. You smiled gently as you padded back into the kitchen. Coming out to see him settling in on the couch.

“Y-You--I make you act like a mother… I never mean to,” Namjoon mumbled, words slurring together, as he adjusted the unhappy popped pillow. You only rolled your eyes, slipping out the popped pillow for a fresh one and drabbing over a doona on him that rested atop a table up against the couch.

“I know, I know. But hey, you help me more than enough too. You respect me, I respect you. It’s mutual Namjoonie,” you reply.

He smiled, dimples and all, “You sounded like me!” You chuckled, clicking off the light as you exited into the hallway.

“Sleep tight.”

______

Namjoon had groaned as he opened his eyes. His back ached, and his arm felt like it fell asleep. But more importantly, he was hungover. Badly. He knew where he was, on your couch, he made sure he didn’t drink to the point of blackout; yet the headache that pressed up against his skull was more than enough to piss him off into a promise of never drinking again. That, of course, being a futile thing. Linguistics was a pain, even to him.

He looked around from his head against the pillow, the TV blackened like the night sky, as he moved his head, Namjoon felt his neck crack in anger. He slept on his neck wrong as well!

You walked into the room, humming softly. You wore your favourite pjs, all-cotton pastel blue, with a little moon embroidered onto the pocket on the right side of your chest.

Namjoon watched you silently, a little gasp on his lips. Never seeing you like this, it was definitely a sight that he wouldn’t forget anytime soon. How soft you appeared to be, even more so than two days ago. His heart still ached when he saw how distraught he had made you. He hadn’t wanted to make you feel like that. He just really hated to see how little you thought of yourself.

“____, you’re,” Namjoon paused, mulling over what to say, “W-Well…do you need help with breakfast?” He finally asked.

You just laughed breathlessly, “No Namjoon. Last time you tried to cook, we ended up having to scrap the entire thing because you burned all of it!” He shyly looked away, covering his face as his blush fully creeped up, embarrassed was only the half of it.

“I apologise for everything…” He began, still covering his face as he spoke, “I really didn’t mean to come here so out of it, and it was wrong of me to forcefully try you to be more open. It was wrong, and I really, really didn’t want to hurt you,” Namjoon finished, his shoulders relaxing slightly. Worry thudded its way through his bones when he didn’t hear your reply.

“Namjoon,” his name from you suddenly startled him, he dropped his hands from his face to see your lips pursed, “It’s okay. I understand why you did what you did. It was just sudden, and you left me with no way to breathe… You don’t, quite know why it bothered me so, no?” He shook his head.

“No, I don’t, and I shouldn’t have assumed things so quickly,” you hummed at his answer.

You sat down next to him, he had to shuffled his legs out of the way and curled up underneath the doona. You sighed, staring at him, and somehow Namjoon knew what you were going to say. He choked up as you started, “I-I’m… just afraid Namjoon… I’m afraid of being swept away, there’s others in the class who are just so much more able to pick up on things better than I can,” despite himself, a man who rarely gave physical affection by his own, he wrapped his arms around you tightly.

“You need to be kinder to yourself,” he said, wincing after as his headache panged, “You can do so much that you don’t see. I want to help you see it, but I know I can’t; I’m just a reminder for you.”

“Namj—”

“Let me finish, please ____.” You rested your head against his shoulder, huffing, “____, I hope you know that you can do this. It may seem bleak right now, our exams are coming up and I know it’s going to be difficult; but you really can get through this. Please, please find that strength to believe in yourself. I hate seeing you this way.”

You felt tears prickle its way out, so scared of it falling yet you didn’t want to leave Namjoon’s embrace. So instead you held onto him as he whispered to you.

You really did hate it all, how your thoughts seemed to counter everything he said to you. That you weren’t good anything. It was screaming at you to let go, to sulk, to change majors. But Namjoon kept on, even if he didn’t know everything, he at least knew that you were dealing with so much hidden away. He couldn’t help you completely, but he was still going to be there for you.

“No matter what it says, I’ll be here to tell you reality. Even if it takes an eternity, I won’t let you be swept away anymore.”

[scige]

「madelyn cline & cis female」⇾ beaumont, saige, the senior radcliffe student’s records show that she is a cancer and 22 years old. she is studying linguistics + criminal psychology, living in noland and can be blithe, energetic, evasive & irrational. when i see her i am reminded of the familiar riff of an old song, skinned knees with laughter following, and wishes on eyelashes stuck to your cheekbones. ⇽「james & 21 & est & they/them.」

N HERE IS MY LAST CHILD FR NOW ... both happy n sad ... god ... bites fist. alright. let’s go!

TW CHILD ABUSE, DRUG USE, ALCOHOLISM, ADDICTION, DEATH, HIT & RUN CAR ACCIDENTS, GRIEF, GUILT

aesthetics.

stick n’ pokes at 2am – when your drunk and giggling too much in between purposeful stabs, avoiding the cracks in the sidewalk because they’re bad luck and they’ll break your mother’s back – even if your mother doesn’t love you, because you love her, the familiar riff in an old song – one that’s got you strumming along silently; there is no guitar, only empty air lit by the christmas lights you haven’t taken down. it’s may. swallowing down shots, and by default, swallowing down problems. laughing quick, easily, constantly. skinned knees from skateboarding, despite being rubbish at it. wishes on eyelashes stuck to your cheekbones, glitter sticking, running into the ocean at sunrise; feeling at home. excuses, and the many forms they come in. telling people you love them through hand squeezes and fresh muffins, sideways glances and soft, eager grins.

basic info.

full name: saige alouette beaumont

nickname(s): n/a :/ give her some

b.o.d. - july 7th, cancer

label(s): the hedonist, the icarcian, the reveler, etc.

height: 5′7″

hometown: thibodaux, louisiana

sexuality: bisexual w/ a very slight preference towards masc-presenting folks

pinterest

stats

inspired by: serena van der woodsen (gossip girl), aimee gibbs (sex education), alexis rose (schitt’s creek), elle woods (legally blonde), rapunzel (tangled), clementine (eternal sunshine of a spotless mind), angela montenegro (bones), tinkerbell (peter pan), late 2000 / early 2010s kesha… i don’t know because she’s not actually inspired by anybody i made her when i was like 13 HDSJBKFNGHJLDS

biography.

the fallible daughter of two very infallible people: robert beaumont, US lieutenant general (soon to be US general), and manon lévesque, world renowned fashion designer on levels par with gucci and versace. both cold, calculating, and purposeful.

no matter how much she wants to believe otherwise, saige is sure that she was not created out of love. it was an action with a purpose, intentions to create the perfect child. the hybrid of both military genius and fashion extraordinaire. a proper socialite. a 1% citizen. molded to their will.

born in thibodaux, louisiana (surrounded by her father’s family - a long line of old money southern magnates & moguls with a history of beauty pageant winners in each woman) - it took them no more than six months after her birth for her parents to up and move, thus beginning a cycle of packing and unpacking, flying and driving, state-to-state and country-to-country. the longest saige had ever stayed in one place was two years, until radcliffe. even then - conditioned to never become truly attached to a place, she has the urge to up and run away at any given moment, onto the next adventure.

she was kept on a short leash, home-schooled, and learning skills she had no interest in (from cooking to sewing to ballroom dancing - to fencing and firearm safety and self defense) - more like a pet, a project, than a child. the world moved all around her, but she was bound to what her parents allowed her to see. a bird in a cage of thorns.

it was hard to keep and maintain friends - there one day, gone the next. a ghost you could see, clear as day, but never touch - never fully, at least. even if she tried with all her might.

would run from bodyguards (their version of nannies - robert beaumont is a paranoid man with too many enemies to count) into festival crowds and climb out of windows in the middle of the night to swim in lakes with the locals she’d met only hours earlier - as soon as she realized that there was something wrong with the way she lived.

even if it resulted in punishment, military exercises in the form of her own personal boot camp (she’d been forced to do chin-ups, once, when she ripped an expensive gown at the tender age of seven. not since, however, after she wound up sobbing on the floor - instead they moved on. delicate teacups stacked across her back as she did push-ups, the more she did the more that slipped & broke)

she absorbed as she could, as much as she could get; an intense, undying love for a world she always craved to see.

this was the start of something dangerous - a phase that never seemed to end, rebellion coursing through her veins. a wild child in the making, unknowing of limits. she landed herself in any crowd she could squeeze into - bad crowds, in particular and more often than not - they introduced her, the sheltered girl, into a world she hadn’t quite known existed until then.

ran away briefly at the age of fifteen with a man three years older than her & nearly ended up in a tabloid magazine because of it - if it hadn’t been for her parents’ money. though guilt from her parents’ disappointment weighed on her, the thrill fueled something much worse.

from there on, she’d been labeled as a ‘problem child’ - from public intoxication to vandalism, it was clear their daughter was unraveling and nothing could possibly contain her.

boarding school had been an attempt to stop it, enrolled her freshmen year in hopes that she’d come out a proper woman. but being located in new york with easy access to the upper east side of manhattan - it’d been futile.

there’d only been a few significant events during her time there - the death of a classmate (one of her closest friends’ boyfriends) and a ski trip that nearly resulted in her own death, skiing while drunk on a closed off course, in memory of him and the traditions they’d had. the first time she fell in love, and months of pining - running in circles, fights and hiccups and confessions in the dramatic manner all high school relationships seem to be like. they’d finally gotten together - officially, no more sneaking around or pretending - when her parents paid a surprise visit. a rare occasion, nerve-wracking. dangerous. to keep a story short - she’d accidentally exposed her own drug use in their presence, the simple act of pills falling from a purse - and that’d been it. she was gone the next day, with no word to anybody and hardly a word since.

they told family she needed a change of pace, and rumors in her old school said that she’d been expelled, that she’d been sent to the french countryside to live with her grandmother.

she’d only gone to washington, that was all. france was too good, and she was too undeserving. instead she was enrolled in public school, only a quarter through her junior year. her parents rarely spoke to her - rarely in town, the only eyes kept on her were security cameras and the occasional check-in by family friends (the new word for bodyguards, apparently)

but as always - when left alone, saige scrambled to find somewhere she fit, somewhere to tuck herself away in the comfort of other people. a small group, but a loyal group - harmless minus a few miscellaneous charges that they said every small town kid had, at some point. they were safe, they were family - as close as she could get. at least, she had thought so. had really believed it.

she hadn’t intended to go to university after graduating high school, not yet eighteen - not for another month or two, at least. she wanted to travel, meet new people and learn new languages (she’d learned four, already, but had always been a glutton. craved to know more, as if she unlocked secrets with every phrase she could speak) and just. exist.

maybe she should’ve. should’ve left as quick as possible, and never turn back.

saige mysteriously disappeared from the public eye for an entire year, the entirety of her 18th year on earth, before promptly showing up at radcliffe university, ready to learn.

it’d been a year of legal cases & lawsuits & avoiding prison with expensive lawyers and a lot of money.

the getaway driver for an armed robbery at a bank, an unknowing accomplice until her supposed friend ran out from the building and jumped in her car, screaming for her to drive, drive, drive. it had only supposed to have been a quick stop before a road trip to the coast. nobody was supposed to get hurt. but scared, and high, saige had obeyed - and by doing so, led a police chase and, of course, a hit & run that eventually led to saige crashing the car midst breakdown.

the sole victim survived, thankfully - and the beaumonts have been paying the medical bills since. her friend - the one who started it all - was charged & sentenced. but saige got off relatively scot-free. just a year of community service, a slap on the wrist (and the growing wallets of all involved in handling her case). it would’ve made national news if her parents hadn’t stepped in - favors called, resulting in only local headlines.

they hadn’t spoken to her since then. three years of radio silence. she’d think they were dead if it hadn’t been the steady flow of money in her bank account. their silence only feels like a threat of what’s to come if she fucks up again.

ever since - she’s avoided causing too much trouble, still very much the party girl she’d like to be, but staying out of headlines and tabloids. partially in fear of her parents finally cutting ties, permanently, and partially in fear that she’ll end up costing someone else their life with her own selfishness.

UPDATE: she did not avoid trouble n got disowned after a high speed yacht chase it was. a lot. anyways she’s lying to everyone n pretending she’s still rich while rapidly losing money to lawsuit bills n hospital bills n just <3 a whole lot <3 has had to sell her favorite cars and her favorite bass guitar. sheds the smallest tear. spent the summer couch-hopping bt pretending she wasn’t couch-hopping and being :/ really messy. not a good fun look! sucks ... disappeared fr like a straight week n then popped up like hehe wat’s up :D. sighs sm.

personality.

she is so … bubbly. so fucking bubbly. she’s has so much energy in her. goes running every morning and every night and swims almost every afternoon and she’s never tired, even if she hasn’t slept the last night and even if she’s been dancing for five hours in a club in high heels and nothing but vodka in her system. the personification of a coke bottle shaken up, if the coke bottle in question could laugh and smile at you and make you feel, somehow, at home even though you’d only met her in the bathroom queue.

tries her hardest to be the happy fun friend, the cool friend, the one who can hook you up with whatever you need because she sleeps with her drug dealer and gets discounts, but like, it’s totally okay because they’re also friends.

generally comes off as very confident of herself, and fearless, and reckless but like - fun reckless. the kind of reckless you wouldn’t mind to be around because she takes your worries and acknowledges them and reassures you that it’s fine, that it’s grand, even when it may definitely not be.

takes a lot. so much. could ramble for days, hand gestures and all. never stops talking. never.

if she wants to do something, she’ll do it and there’s not very much you can do to stop her. stubborn, but at the same time easy going? very go go go. mischievous. even if she’s trying to do something stupid you kind of just like … have to let her do it, or otherwise she’ll mope for three hours and pout at you and then you’ll feel questionably guilty, which is admittedly a little manipulative on her end and isn’t the best thing, but i never said she’s the best person ever because she’s most certainly … not.

a vegetarian because meat makes her physically sick, like, she’s got a weird intolerance to it and it’s not quite an allergy because it’s really just red meats but she’ll get a tummy ache.

her vocabulary consists of a lot of ‘likes’ and ‘ums’ and ‘yknows’, y’know? her statements always sound like questions.

99% sure she has adhd but she’s never been diagnosed because her parents simply would not allow her to go to therapy so if she does have any neurological disorders, mental illness, and the likes of those - she doesn’t know and doesn’t know where to even begin to find out. her parents? fucking suck.

like i said, she’s currently not on speaking terms with them. more of their decision than hers. she still loves them, a lot - and there’s a part of her that believes that they still love her, that they have to, because she’s not disowned yet. even though they haven’t said more than ten words to her since she was eighteen - as long as they keep sending her money, they still care - right?

owns four cars … bad idea considering her past, but alas. spending her money is a coping mechanism and she likes to drive because it’s a form of freedom. anyways. all her cars are on campus and she’s probably not allowed to have them all on campus but she does. one’s a sleek sports car, the other is a jacked up pick-up truck that’s decked out in like … LED lights and shit, the third one is the same exact fucking mustang from the princess diaries because she’s obsessed with the movie & usually gets what she wants. the fourth is a mini cooper.

she’s a photographer (for funsies) and the walls of her room in noland are covered in photographs and art and taped-down plants. her room in general is really cluttered. like, it’s super homey. super cozy. but it’s a mess. clothes everywhere, she’s got a pile of instruments and other miscellaneous hobbies that she wanted to do and then either never did, or did for a few days and got bored of and haven’t touched since.

i mentioned earlier that she was taught a bunch of skills when growing up - and like, she doesn’t really utilize any of them? knitting, sewing, cookie, three different forms of ballroom dancing - all gone to waste and she’s pretty rusty on most of it, but it’s there. in her mind. it’s kind of neat and i promise she’s not a mary sue it’s just her upbringing HBSJKDFNLG she’s really nuanced i swear. anyways she can also work a gun and a car engine but hates half of the things she knows how to do because she was forced to learn these things.

she plays bass guitar. loves it, loves her guitar. treasured item. she knows violin & piano too but she fucking hates piano & is mostly indifferent towards violin. she can hold a note in other instruments but it’s like. not great.

got really into languages at a young age due to her constant traveling and started learning them unprompted. her mother is like. literally french. a french citizen. so she grew up learning english & french but from there on she’s gotten fluent in spanish (similar 2 french) and latin (dead languages are fun) and then she’s working on a few others like mandarin and german and scottish gaelic specifically but she mostly just knows a few phrases here and there. like, enough to get her through a city if needed.

like she’s super smart and very talented but she’s also ditzy as hell. big dumbass energy to the point where maybe you don’t realize that she’s actually really good at a lot of things because it’s not like she really flaunts it either?

she’s just very reckless, and very much a party girl. has quite the collection of drugs & uses socially, but also alone and throughout the day. rarely sober.

high functioning alcoholic and at this point she doesn’t really know what she’s like when she’s completely sober? which is really bad but she’s convinced that if she goes sober she’ll just be miserable and horrible because at her very core she believes she’s like. the worst human being alive. like very deep issues of self loathing covered by baileys in her morning coffee and 23 crystal lite packets in her yeti cup that happens to be filled with vodka.

this has been a budding problem that was developed since she was a young teenager. the ehem. situation that happened when she was eighteen only amplified it.

is essentially wearing a mask of confidence and giddiness and flirtatiousness because she doesn’t want people to think she’s not doing well, because she isn’t.

loves so much. loves everything, so much. everything, everybody. falls in love like five times a day but nothing really sticks to her either, for the most part. i hate to say it but she does flock to shitty people / general assholes because that’s just … how she is, that’s what she’s surrounded herself with her entire life. even her high school boyfriend was an asshole - just like, not to her, which made it Okay in her mind. she finds these kind of people like … super interesting which is really questionable but y’know what? we’re fine. it’s fine. i’m fine.

she sleeps around often, to be frank. she hates being alone and she rarely sleeps in her own dorm unless someone is in there sleeping with her. otherwise she’s at different houses. could be a friend’s bed, could be a stranger’s. has slept with the entire baseball team, probably. she’s also the type of person who’ll try and maintain a positive, good friendship with whoever she sleeps with because she hates the idea of having a regrettable encounter and just. refuses.

this is kind of a problem because she blurs the lines between friendship and Something More too often, and with too many people. wants to be loved but it’s never enough. probably ends up hurting people without realizing it because they think they have something super special but she does this with a lot of people and it’s super :/

does stick and pokes a whole bunch. she can’t draw for shit so they’re not great but she thinks they’re fun and she’s been doing it for a while so like, who cares, right? let her give you one :)

gets sent dress prototypes and like. drafts of designs & articles of clothing from her fashion lines that aren’t out yet and won’t be for a while by her very own mother. saige absolutely gives them all away, for the most part. or it sits in her closet, and stays there. her go-to gift for birthday presents, or christmas gifts, or whenever she feels like it. like, feel free to raid her closet?

ok that’s all. love her.

wanted connections.

a best friend… someone who sticks by her side even though she is a certified Mess.

a ride or die… is it the same as a best friend? maybe. but it’s got a fancy name and i want both so :)

close friends… she’s really friendly and the kind of girl to have been really popular in high school but didn’t care for it and talks to everybody like she’s known them her entire life, so. she’d have a good amount of these!

grumpy friend… to balance her happy friend. she’ll fuck them up in a friendship way. with her cheerfulness.

party pals… they don’t talk much outside of parties but they’re practically glued to the hip when they’re at them. hold your hair back kind of close.

frenemies… or fake friends, toxic friends, people who use her for money or like … sex, or whatever? anything? people who barely tolerate her because she gives them stuff sometimes.

bad influences… they just encourage her to do more, be worse, never get better.

good influences… like … YOINK! stop being an idiot! do your homework! idot!

a tutor… because she’s like…smart…but she’s also stupid…super bad at math & science. help her.

hook ups… friends with benefits, a one night stand that is a little? awkward? since then. past & present tenses. :)

exes… she’s noncommittal so they likely wouldn’t have lasted very long but? yolo? she can be a heartbreaker, as marina said, as a treat? whether they dated or were fucking … either works. but i do love angst :)

one-sided hatred… someone who just fucking … despises her. but she doesn’t realize because she’s an idiot and thinks they’re just like. joking around! like they’re best buddies!

annoyance… but she’s the annoyance. she’s the thorn in their side.

ex-best friend… where something happened between them, like, anything, and it ruined their friendship forever. very sad. angst potential, though.

but like. i’ll take anything.

steals your mail… who knows why?

cat escape… he keeps running away and she keeps letting him inside her room even though she’s allergic…

married old couple… the kind of friendship where they always bicker like they’ve been together for fifty years, but it’s purely platonic (or is it? slowburn BAYBEY. DENIAL babyey.)

off and on again… i think that one that’s not good for them because they enable each other & only get like … angry at each other, and it’s like, messy. but it’s super hard to stop. probably reminds her of high school so that’s why she tries so hard to stick around, but alas. it’s not good. it’s toxic. stop it.

the drug dealer… the one she sleeps with… even though she can just pay for it because she’s rich but like. it’s funner this way.

blurred status… like, it’s just really confusing of what they are? are they, aren’t they? the relationship status is just … muddled. she’s a mess and gets involved with too many people without intending to. potential to hurt feelings. :)

please. take her. give me connections.