#i love this movie so much it's a spiritual experience for my fucked up brain and i really mean it

[witchwhaat]

just saw eeaao in cinema

[olderthannetfic]

seeing the hatred and fake-claiming makes me... sad, for lack of a better word. I have been a system for a very, very long time; I had the first inklings of it in middleschool when I was so severely depressed and lonely and shrouded in feelings of worthlessness that my brain did literally whatever if could to let me survive. I didn't tell anybody, because i was solidly convinced it was JUST an overactive imagination, and i definitely couldn't be one of those ~sick~ people who ~REALLY~ had mpd. because my only real exposure to the idea had been fucked up jokes and horror movies, and i was an athiest at the time(so the more spiritual explanations didn't sound real to me), it seemed too far away to be possible. in highschool the mental dam broke. i got FLOODED with headmates after the idea of "it's not normal for your ~imaginary friends~ to act on their own and occasionally take control of your body for you" finally sunk in, and it was scary, and i STILL stayed silent on it outside of a very small friend group, because i was terrified - above all else - that i would be sent to the looney bin. because that's what you DID with mpd, right? even if it wasn't hurting anybody? because they're crazy? well, i've spent most of my adult life learning more about how different systems operate and how MINE operates, and I have to say.... it's the best thing that could have happened for my mental health. yes, it was scary. because of how we are TREATED by the media and the average person. yes, it is a little odd seeing youngsters be so open about it in such a celebratory way, because i don't understand how they aren't scared. but i am GLAD they aren't. my system is my family, moreso than the blood i share in meatspace, and they keep me safe and loved when everything is falling to pieces. and if that hasn't been your own experience, i am genuinely sorry that you're going through that, and i hope you can all learn to live together more peacefully as time passes. but fuck no i am not going to tell the kid with 18 sonics in their head that they're ~definitely faking~ just because they're fucking excited to share it. there are much worse characters to introject over and over again, and every introjection has its reasoning; even the shitty ones who makes your life harder. my early life was eaten up by my TRAUMA and my DEPRESSION, not the fucking headmates that helped me get through it. and i am so, so thankful that my therapist understands that, and i wish every system young and old that you be safe and in a good place to heal. and most of all, i hope if you're a system reading this - DID, OSDD, undiagnosed, reincarnation, whatever - that you don't believe the singlet bullshit that they push on us. full integration is not a realistic goal for most of us, and that is not just okay - for those who have learned to work together, it can be better that you'll never be one solid person. stay safe, stay loved, and keep your bitter comments to yourselves.

--

[tartarus0d01]

Visions and Premonitions

Heylooo. Since I have the displeasure of encountering visions or premonitions, I decided to make a post about these experiences. This is mostly from my observations, but maybe you can take something from my garbled post. Feel free to add to it too!

So… here we go! Mario voice

What are Visions or Premonitions?

I'm sure you've heard of them like in your favorite movies since the topic tends to make a good horror story. Basically, it's when somebody allegedly has a prediction of the future– oftentimes in the form of an image or dream. Hearing a voice tell you "xyz is about to happen" or something of the sort is also a thing. Intuition is another good word for it.

The thing is, people are already naturally "intuitive". We call those, "gut feelings".

What are gut feelings?

You know what it is… that feeling in your gut. "I've got a bad feeling about this." Something feels "off" but you don't know what it is.

The cool thing about this is that your brain can subconsciously pick up things happening in your environment without you even knowing it. Animals have this too, just with far better sense. Git gud. /j

But then, what makes visions so scary? Well, it's when you have visions of scenes that are sudden, as in, nothing in your environment is even slightly hinting at the idea of [insert event here] (as well as near-death experiences, but that's another topic for another time). That's where the mysticism comes in and it's scenarios like these that I personally believe in or that I find harder to explain. Don't worry my fellow anxiety sufferers, I'll get to the dark shit in the moment.

I keep having dreams/feelings about [xyz event]! What's happening?

Before I get to the spooky-scary portion of premonitions, we have to first think very VERY rationally. Because 9/10… this alleged event may not even happen at all.

I mentioned "gut feelings", so it's important to look at your surroundings and see if this "surprise event" is truly a surprise– or that maybe it's an idea that's been hovering around in your head for a while. But there's more.

Anxiety: This goes hand-in-hand with gut feelings. In fact, you're anxiety is known to fuck up your gut feelings. Are you anxious about something? If so, that's gonna make shit 10 million times harder to differentiate between reality and dream, let me tell you. lol.

Psychosis and Paranoia: Anxiety can cause psychosis and your psychosis can come in the form of your anxieties. Generally, psychotic (and delusional) episodes are understood to be "nonsensical" or "beyond the realm of possibility". But you can have hallucinations or thoughts that might be a little bit too real. Another thing to get checked for, if possible.

Symbolism: They say dreams can have meanings. I don't always mean it in a spiritual sense though. It's believed that the reason why your brain dreams is that your brain is trying to sift through various memories, events, and even trying to solve problems ("sleep on it"). Regardless of your beliefs about dreaming, it's important to see if there's any underlying thought or recent event that your brain is trying to decipher or understand.

Self-fulfilling Prophecy or "You die as you live": To me, these aren't really visions but are just consequences of your actions. Biologically, people can know very well that they're going to die. If you are sick or do hard drugs, I think it only makes sense to feel like something terrible is about to happen. If you work a dangerous job or are a daredevil, this naturally increases the risk of a catastrophe to occur.

An example would be Paul Walker ("Fast and Furious" movies, RIP) who said that he would die in a car and he did. But that's also because the man loved cars so… depending on how much he spent his life behind the wheel or in a car, it would make sense for that unfortunate event to occur because of probability.

Granted, you still don't know if dangerous events are going to happen like 100% of the time. But I'm sure you'll agree that certain lifestyles can increase your risk of a certain end. That's how it goes for everyone.

At the same time, to help those who are one step closer to a panic attack, just because you think it doesn't mean it'll happen either. Anxiety is a killer though, be it mentally and/or physically. So please, reach out and get some help.

Well, I thought about it, but the visions persist. Whatever I'm seeing feels like it's going to happen. What do I do now?

Now the spooky-scary moment we've all been waiting for. Well, I bet you're hoping for some kind of cure or way to prevent this horrible vision from becoming true, huh? 

I'm glad you're here then, because I'm happy to say: No, there's not a damn thing you can do about it.

insert applause here

Don't ask me what the point of having visions is. For myself, maybe it's to keep me moving forward. But what's set in stone is set in stone. Run away from it all you want, maybe even try trading places with that person in your vision. But we all know what's going to happen. Life finds a way, and so does death. This isn't "That's So Raven". /ref

Yet, I'm speaking in the darkest context. Death isn't always biological. Sometimes it's mental or spiritual. Sometimes it's a break-up or a job loss. For our ability to have straight-up horrific and vivid dreams of destruction and death, the dream might actually represent some other thing that won't send you to the grave at all. Hell, that dream of you crashing in a car accident? Turns out, your partner just wanted to marry you.

Regardless of the circumstances, it's very unlikely that you'll be able to prevent change, even if the change is negative.

So what can you do if you truly feel like something bad is about to happen?

- Ask yourself, "How do I feel about this?" Are you scared, happy, sad, or angry? Can you pin-point the exact cause of these images or feelings?

- Praying or asking for clarification might help, but I find that these methods don't do much. Probably because the god's or whatever you believe in have chosen this path for you so there's not much else you can do except hold on. You'll probably get an answer that you already know.

- You can try to protect yourself. Even within inevitability, there might be a silver lining. It's not good to not get caught up in the mess though. Do what you can, but remember, that's about all you can really do.

- And lastly, it is what it is. There's not much else to say quite honestly. Welcome to basic living... lol. I guess I would be remiss to ignore the stories of people jumping in and saving the day because of their intuitions. I feel like these stories are rarer than the premonitions themselves, though.

Luckily for most, situations like these are apparently rare– more so if in regards to actual catastrophic events or death. That's why we don't trust evangelicals when they "predict" the end times– nobody can, not even you or me. Not only did it say that in the bible, but that's the reality of things. Anybody who says that they can predict your future is a con and misinterprets what it means to actually have visions or an intuition.

Everything's got to give, but as far as the details are concerned, you'll never truly know what to expect. So be well and take good care of yourselves.

– Tune in next time for when I talk about those little funky scrunklys (ghosts and shadow people) living in your home! –

[cotccotc]

 ⬚ comeback review — “ BORDER : CARNIVAL ” • ENHYPEN

i’ve been so excited that i decided to do an Official Review ksjdj and !!! it’s ~live~ lol

if u agree/disagree/want to discuss i’m totally down !!

nobody cares but let’s gET IT

⬚ Intro : The Invitation

the beginning gave me very much stranger things ?? for some reason

i forgot that jake was a member of the group. i was like omg there’s a Narrator-

BITCH i wish this chorus was attached to a full length song. the layered vocals and the blown out instrumental just. i need More and i need it Now u know?

RANK OUT OF ALL THE SONGS: 5

⬚ Drunk-Dazed

i love the dark & mysterious vibes !!! even though it’s super upbeat i love the darker bits. and the low brass/bass thing !!!!!!

harmonic dissonance my beloved <3

THE LITTLE DROP OUTS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE CHORUS .. MY BRAIN IS BUZZING

i want to run on a treadmill ...... like Right Now

in terms of the mv:

where the FUCK is my invite 😔

I LITERALLY LOVE THIS VIDEO MORE THAN I’VE LOVED ANYTHING IN MY LIFE WHOA it felt like i was watching a movie trailer !!!!!!!!!!!! AHHH and the bits where they’re just. partying ...... 😳$:&:&/&;&:&:&::&;

the dance looks so fun !!

BUT THEN THEY HIT U WITH THE SWITCH UP ......... SOMEBODY GET THESE BOYS A TISSUE OR TWO GODDAMN-

THE OUTFITS AT THE END 👁👄👁 HEESEUNG I 👁👄👁 SUNGHOON- 👁👄👁👁👁👁👄👄👄👁👄👄

RANK: 1 (im a sucker for title songs oops)

⬚ FEVER

i knew i’d love this song from the very beginning and was i WRONG? no

this bitch is gonna exist in my mind rent-free for the next month i can feel it

giving me very much “monster” by shawn mendes & justin bieber (which i love !!!)

loving the alternative energy overall so far !!!!! pop with an Edge is the best kind <33

adding it to my “sunset” playlist

RANK: 4

⬚ Not For Sale

THE LITTLE SOUNDS AT THE BEGINNING .............. i love the production on this album holy fuck

i will say though. i feel like the way it was mixed so far has felt a wee bit muddy ?? like everything blends into each other a bit and it’s a tiny bit muffled (which can be an artistic choice but i personally don’t love it .. i like when songs are Crispy)

but this one’s Crispier !!!!! u can hear more isolated sounds !! me likey

RANK: 6

⬚ Mixed Up

👁👄👁 TALK ABOUT CRISP omg the hi-hats in this ... <33333

LOVING THE ROCK TWIST AT THE PRE-CHORUS !!!! THE GUITAR REALLY ADDS TO THIS SONG HOLY HECK

A FUCKEN BOP

three words: i won’t stop ✋🏼😳

RANK: 3

⬚ Outro : The Wormhole

oh shit it’s already over-

GIVING ME VERY MUCH THE 1975 AHHHHHHHHH I LOVE I LOVE

THE BUILD UP OH MY LORD MY HEART IS RACING

AND WHEN IT BREAKS..... OH WOW .......... OH WOW OH WOW

well that was a 1:34 long spiritual experience i didn’t expect to have on a tuesday evening

RANK: 2

OVERALL REVIEW:

i loved it !!!!!!!!! it was really cohesive and i think the visuals for the drunk-dazed mv and the dances suit it well

GODDAMN IT THAT MV WAS INCREDIBLE !!! THE BESTIES WERE RIGHT

my only “problem” was with the mixing thing. i was listening at full volume which usually helps make things Crispier (i truly have no other way to describe it i apologize) but it was still a lil. muffled. (HOWEVER i should add that live performances eliminate that problem so .. i’ll just listen to those if need be jsjs)

i think i’ll love it more as i continue to listen !! it gets my seal of approval :)

[frumfrumfroo]

What are your favorite movies and TV shows outside of SW? I’m looking for new things to watch since SW was so disappointing

My tastes are pretty eclectic, so I will stick to just things that are either similar to sw or are in the reylo-esque romance wheelhouse and have happy endings:

Chuck. It is a goofy, light-hearted action-adventure show with extremely endearing characters and a very prominent central romance (seriously, heavy romance and there is a lot of payoff for it, you will be FED- it's kind of slow burn but also shockingly NOT slow burn, they are deep into it pretty much immediately). The main couple is the classic Stoic Badass gradually softened by an innocent they have to protect who is a liability in battle but full of the Power of Heart. Chuck is The Heart btw. He is of that vanishingly rare male Beauty (of B&tB) type. He's incredibly generous and open, Sarah is prickly and closed-off. It is Quality. Very much a gender-swap of your typical cliche anime couple lol. I would recommend stopping at the mid-season finale in season 4, because it's downhill from there. The beginning of season 3 is very rough, but it's definitely worth it to stay for the back half, imo. There are several great endings to choose from before things go to shit, so we don't need to talk about the finale. Probably the most tonally similar to SW thing possible without being high/space fantasy. More humour, more silly, but definitely has a spiritual kinship. Has the best THE BEST 'secret revealed' scenes I have ever seen in anything. If you're into that and were hoping for that in ep IX, you need to watch Chuck.

The Shop Around the Corner. 1940 romance/drama film. You've Got Mail is a remake of it. Jimmy Stewart being profoundly adorable, Frank Morgan (aka the Wizard of Oz), various amusing side characters, and an absolutely deathless double blind 'secretly in love with the workplace nemesis' plot that can and probably has been a great reylo AU.

Mirromask. Fantasy/coming-of-age film. Touted as a 'spiritual successor' to Labyrinth by the filmmakers (one of whom is Neil Gaiman) and let me tell you, that is extremely apt. Beautiful, magical, laden with symbolism and Mask Discourse, and has a great ship. I quote it regularly.

Speaking of which, I'm sure you've seen Labyrinth? If you haven't seen Labyrinth, drop everything and watch Labyrinth.

Legend (the Ridley Scott director's cut, not the theatrical cut). Sumptuous fairy tale, runs on proper fairy tale logic, stunning to look at and overall captivating. Tim Curry. Tim Curry as a lonely tragic lord of darkness who tries to seduce the heroine and has drippingly overwrought monologues.

Howl's Moving Castle. Fairy tale adventure/romance film. Beautifully animated, has the ending you want.

The Silence of the Lambs. Thriller/drama film. Actual masterpiece. Use it as a gateway drug to read the books and rejoice that Clannibal is canon and it is spectacular. Just SotL and Hannibal, you don't need to read the other two. Stan Clarice Starling and revel in that ending. Most triumphant 'villain'/heroine ship of all time (he is not technically a villain but for shorthand's sake).

The Adventures of Baron Munchausen. Terry Gilliam 1988 fantasy/adventure film. THE TRIUMPH OF IDEALISM OVER CYNICS I CANNOT STRESS ENOUGH HOW HEALING IT WAS TO WATCH AFTER THE TROS BULLSHIT HIT. Jonathan Pryce's spiritual villain is basically Chris Terrio and it is cathartic to see imagination and sentiment conquer him.

Sabrina. 1995 romance film. Modern fairy tale with Harrison Ford. Rejecting what you thought you wanted all your life for the thing you actually need, growing up but still believing in magic, beautiful character development across all the leads. Could be (and is irrc) a fantastic reylo AU.

The Scarlet Pimpernel. 1934 adventure film. High romance, secret identities, play-acting, people who aren't at all what they appear to be, falling in love with your own spouse, Big Heroism, guile and wit and audacity. It makes me do little kicks like a happy baby. This is one of the 3-5 films constantly tied for my favourite film of all time. There is a good quality rip free on youtube. Watch it and fall in love with Leslie Howard (this is possibly my favourite acting performance of all time).

Oh, related note. Pygmalion 1938 or My Fair Lady. (The musical is based on this film and borrows from it heavily, including its much more romantic ending compared to the original play.)

The Mummy. 1999 action/adventure/romance film. Very tonally similar to sw. A fucking great time, A+ characters.

EVER AFTER. 1998 romance film. The flawless and perfect and best ever Cinderella adaptation. This is the most satisfying film in history, maybe, the ending is so good it is amazing it exists. Also, it has Richard O'Brien being slimy. Huge selling point. Grapples with identity and stewardship, is brilliant.

Fruits Basket. drama/romance anime. I haven't watched the new version yet, but it's following the manga so I know the story. The original anime didn't do the whole plot (because they caught up with the source material) but it's wonderful and I still recommend it. The central ship is (spoiler.........) a B&tB type where we eventually discover the main love interest both feels like a figurative monster and turns into a literal monster. He has an incredible speech about his relationship with people's fear, it makes me weep. I called the endgame from the first episode and always thought it was obvious, but there is a red herring love triangle dynamic. It's really not annoying, though, because it is a red herring. (I hate love triangles)

I am Dragon. Russian monster romance film. Beautiful, simple fable with a really great heroine.

Jane Eyre. 1943 Gothic Romance film. It's Jane Eyre, byronic hero x sensible heroine love story with much atmosphere and Gothic drama. I stan this version because I am an Orson Welles fangirl and I'm also not convinced it can be improved upon. Elizabeth Taylor's film debut btw.

Hellboy. 2004 action/adventure/romance film. Defying destiny, reconciling identity, monster romance. The complete package and a great time. Tonally similar to SW and probably thematically closest to it out of this whole list. Don't watch the sequel.

Beauty and the Beast 1987 tv series. Exactly what it says on the tin. Deals with the classic B&tB themes, but in a different way. He's not cursed and will never transform into an ordinary man. The first season is very episodic and 'case of the week', but the second season gets more into character drama. It's dated, but if you give it a chance you can get past some of the cheese factor and it's really a unique experience. Its concerns are SO atypical that it feels like something fandom would make rather than a mainstream network show. It was so massively, insanely popular with women at the time that a record of Vincent (the beast) reading poetry topped the album charts. Also Ron Perlman and Linda Hamilton. Stop at season two. Point of interest: George RR Martin wrote for this show.

Stargate (the movie not the series) sci-fi fantasy about a nerdy guy who accidentally a hero.

Possession. 2009... mystery/supernatural/romance. Okay. This is a whole thing. Lee Pace and Sarah Michelle Gellar. It's based on a Korean film I've never been able to find for some reason, but being Hollywood they ruined the romanticism and nuance of the original in the theatrical cut to make a shitty punative ending. However. If you buy it on dvd and go to the alternate ending (which follows the original story) with around 20 minutes left (scene after Lee Pace's character wakes from a bad dream-go to deleted scenes and select the alternate ending), you will get a very, very interesting character study/thriller/redemption about sincerity within deception, compassion, and a major question about second chances with a positive answer. It's kind of dark and kind of astonishingly idealistic at the same time. The heroine makes a very powerful choice, twice over. It's fascinating. If you're into the conflicted and uncertain period in reylo, the part where he is most ambiguous, and you wanted more of that and much darker shades to it, you might be really into this. Also, it should be noted, there is a MASSIVE height difference and they show it off. The film is flawed (and the seams show on the Hollywood rewrite) but idk, it's fascinating. Shocking to me that they even got to shoot the original ending. It is pretty balls to the wall with its themes on forgiveness.

I would recommend getting into kdramas because there is a wealth of female-gaze tropey amazing content, but always check the ending before getting invested. My all-time fave is the 1st Shop of Coffee Prince, but it's not sw related at all lmao. It has a happy ending with all the elements you'd want, but it's not satisfying in execution, so that's it's major flaw and I find that pretty common with kdramas. One that is maybe more relevant is My Love from Another Star, which has a hero who is a little bit like Ben in personality. The heroine isn't my favourite, though. It does have a decent ending.

Oh yeah- brain fart. Kurosawa films and classic westerns were both very influential on SW. Or you can combine both and watch The Magnificent Seven.

[b-e-h-o-l-d-e-r]

Ghost in the Shell (2017) review

I came into this movie with an open mind. Despite every fibre of my fanboy teenage ghost rejecting this alien reincarnation. I even set aside the whitewashing criticisms to just see if the movie can achieve something significant in spite of it.

Within roughly 5 minutes, this movie assured me I was going to be treated like a lobotomised baby. I shit you not, within seconds of a beautifully rendered manufacture sequence we watch two introduced characters in a room blatantly tell us what "ghost in the shell" means in the most uninspired way imaginable.

I wish I could tell you that this was just me getting off on the wrong foot but throughout, the movie is so uncertain in how to portray the themes, symbolisms and spiritual/ religious references that make up the brain in GitS' cyberpunk action body. The script just glitches between lame exposition by talking heads and still reflection in its precise composition but the two hardly work together.

It's like the film can't find its centre and as a result is neither a compelling action sci-fi or a meditative exploration of its philosophies. If this were Aaronofsky/ Gilliam or Bay/ Snyder perhaps (for better or worse) at least this movie would have a distinct direction to go in but instead it sits in the middle and suffers at both.

Hell, I'm sure many fans would be happy if this just took the Dredd approach. If they just accepted that the fans know the backstory and the non fans don't need it and made this simply about the Section 9 anti cyber crimes team doing their job, kicking ass n taking names, it would at least have a better chance of success amongst its primary demographic.

Instead Hollywood thinks big and wants to initiate a new franchise, origin story and all, n crams so much bullshit to try and get new audiences into it that Section 9 itself gets pushed way back in the corner. Audiences spend more time getting to know the Majors mum/s than they do with any her team.

They ditch the cerebral plot of the '95 anime whereby Major Motoko Kusanagi working within Section 9 are tracking a hacker who turns out not only to be an AI secretly created by the government to assassinate political targets but has become sentient, claims asylum and ends up merging consciousness with Major Kusanagi by the end.

Here we get Major Motoko Kusanagi of Section 9, pissed that many innocent people were murdered in experiments to create her and super shitty that her entire identity was a lie and she's actually a bratty anti establishment punk.

After all is said and done, what we get is Robocop-Lite (and thats the reboot mind you). All the nuance, intrigue and head scratching ideology that we got in the shorter length '95 anime is reduced here to identity theft and yet another unremarkable corporate business villain to cover it up. We've seen this shit SO often. I'm beginning to think Hollywood just doesn't know how to do it any other way. They weren't all bad mind you, Robocop, Total Recall, The Matrix, these are all great films but GitS in its initial reception really broke the mould and here to see it put back in the cage of "been here, done that" is so incredibly disappointing.

As far as anime/manga Hollywood adaptations are concerned, the bar is INCREDIBLY low. I'd argue the only good one amongst them is Edge of Tomorrow/ Live Die Repeat. Aside from that, every otaku since the 90's is used to being made fun of in the result of America trying to morph them into something that works amongst their style of cinema. Japan has made some great adaptations partly because they don't feel the need to repackage the story.

This GitS remake tries desperately to be on the fans side by copying much of the '95 movies look (with varying degrees of success, some scenes are very accurate in their reproduction but the hair in this film is more reminiscent of X-men (2000) and seems cosplay-ish at times).

There are few scenes lifted from the original but most get twisted to accommodate the new storyline, at which point I ask why bother? Half measures don't tend to turn many heads and whilst paying homage by really making the effort to be exact duplications in some ways is applaudable, you're giving yourself less room to do your version of it. At least then, whether the film turns out to be shit or not, I'll respect that you tried to do your own thing.

ok, casting. this argument has already been done to death and I've just about run outta energy already on the whole Scarlett Johanson thing but a few things that never seem to come up: first of all, acting wise, I gotta say it's all much of a fucking muchness isn't it? Kusanagi does not outwardly express much so its mostly a headgame for an actress with the chance to throw in some subtleties in the voice acting.

I don't really like Scarlet Johansson's performances but that its preposterous for anyone to come to the conclusion that her resume would land her this gig is a bit of a stretch. Do people realise how rare it is to find an A-list celebrity that has an extensive list of both highly demanding physical action blockbusters and subtle minimalist detail performances? Of course they are going to cast her. Before anyone throws ME personally into somehow being against ethnic minorities in blockbuster films (which would be absurd for anyone who knows me) '95 GitS director Mamoru Oshii also gave his stamp of approval.

They really tried with the marketing to dodge the bullet by just not bringing it up but it's really not dealt with well in the film and leads to some pretty fucking awkward moments for a racial debate charged audience to watch.

I would have preferred the role to go to a Japanese actress but remember, this is Hollywood and if a studio is gonna push bringing THIS film out, you bet your bottom dollar that they're going with someone that is a household name in America.

The only internationally known Japanese name out there right now is Rinko Kikuchi (who to date has 2 American films out there, both not big successes). I love most of her films and there ARE a few other Japanese actresses I would love to see in the role but Hollywood studios are not gonna bank on the success of Japanese films. Hell, the fact that they put Takeshi Kitano in bit part in this movie is as far as they are willing go to get in on that market. Few seem to point at his casting as some kind of justification and I laugh quite hard. Seriously, you're gonna give this guy (who's acted AND directed in over 20 brilliant films) a few minutes of screen time and applaud that as some kind of cultural milestone?

Which brings me to the big casting shame that NO ONE is fucking talking about because they're so caught up with the Johansson shit. Aside from Kusanagi, there are 6 Japanese members of the Section 9 taskforce. How many are Japanese? Kitano, yes. Who else? Saito. Did you remember him? He's the guy that snipes the helicopter at the very end of the film. You see his face for like 10 seconds. Pretty big step in casting mulitculturally, right? Don't get me wrong, the cast IS incredibly multicultural. We got actors from all over the world pretending to be Japanese:

A Danish guy as Batou A Chinese guy as Togusa An Australian as Ishikawa A Zimbabwean as Borma

Why keep the names?! Just call them whatever, it doesn't matter. You don't give them anything important to do anyway. Have a mulit-ethnic team but when they're all speaking clearly in their national accents and supposed to be portraying Japanese characters, THAT'S what should really piss people off because THESE roles could have gone out to Japanese people and it would not have even been a risk for the studio.

Ultimately, the one real positive thing I have to say is a great job for the WETA production team on some fantastic animatronics and moulds...that's pretty much it. Shame it couldn't be in a better film.

- dug out from the depths of https://letterboxd.com/Do_oM/

[ice-cream-nekogirl]

Young Love and an Episode of Friends (Bakugou Katsuki x Reader)

Summary: Bakugou’s always called you useless, especially because of your inconvenient quirk and love for ‘stupid TV shows’, but you’re determined to prove him wrong.

Hehe what kind of fangirl am I? Posting this just a day before Kacchan’s birthday...? Ah but I’m cruel lol... cuz there gonna be some ANGST in here guys... ENJOY~! And enjoy the American Horror Story Allusions!

BTW SORRY FOR ANY OOC-NESS!!

Featuring: Lord Explosion Murder!!

Your Quirk: Descensum

You can astral project and travel deep into spiritual planes and cross into the afterlife, but not returning to your physical body in 15 minutes will result in death. 

You sighed as you retreated back into the comfort of your neighborhood, shaking your head at another failed attempt to talk to him. Bakugou was so difficult sometimes, even though you loved him. You knew you did, most people said it was only a ‘crush’, but you knew that you loved that jerk with all your heart. No matter how many times he hurt your feelings.

But while your heart longed for him, your brain was also telling you (like many of your other friends) that you deserved better than how he was treating you.

“You know if you need anyone… a listening ear or anything at all Katsuki, I’m here. I’m always here…” You had said to him, but all he did was scowl at you, almost looking insulted that you had offered him such a thing.

“Tch, shut up… I don’t need your help, or anyone else’s. Besides, why the hell are you offering help? You can’t do shit… not with your useless quirk, or in general.” His words were scathing and cutting you slowly, but you endured them for the sake of your friendship. Especially after everything that had happened to his class from the Summer Camp incident, the kidnapping, the Culture Festival and everything else that was currently going on.

Sure you were just a student from the General Studies due to your passive quirk, but it didn’t mean you didn’t want to help. Your friend Shinsou was able to rise above the ranks after all and his quirk was passive like yours. You wanted to help out in any way too, even if you were still in the General Studies.

“I might not have the most practical quirk, but that’s not important… I mean it, I’m not just saying stuff, look I know it hasn’t been an easy time for you and your class and I want to try and-“ He quickly cut you off before you could keep talking.

“You want to try and what? To feel important?” Bakugou scoffed at you as you almost timidly looked away from the ferocity in his eyes. “No that’s not…”

“Don’t bullshit me. It’s always been that… all you’ve done is follow me and that damn nerd your entire life because of how weak you are.” He said, not seeming to care that you were visibly hurting from every word he was saying.

“Your quirk is useless in battle. And you can’t even use it without a time limit holding you back… when’s the last time you’ve heard of a hero who saved people with astral projection? You’re better off quirkless.”

It surprised you to hear him say that, since you swore he almost sounded concerned as his hardened features softened ever so slightly, at least until he just glared at you again. “So don’t go offering something you can’t give.” Bakugou said one last time before he turned his back to you and left you alone outside the Heights Alliance.

Which is what led you to where you were at now, on your way back home where you would wallow in your room for the rest of the day. Maybe you would get lucky another time.

…

On the weekends you made sure to try and hang out with Izuku and Bakugou as much as possible, even though they were often busy with their schoolwork since they had much different work than you did. However, you still made sure to at least say ‘hi’ or even offer to hang out with them.

Today you got lucky thanks to the sweet Kirishima and Mina inviting you on their trip to the mall that they had to drag Bakugou to. Which amused you as you snickered at how Sero and Kaminari literally pulled him along.

You did try to talk to him again though, just to try and ease his bad mood. “Hee~… since you’re finally having a break from all your work, do you wanna come over to my house and watch  an episode of Friends?” You offered with a smile, but Bakugou wasn’t even giving you a smirk.

“No.” His reply was quick. “That show is overrated. I don’t get it.” He added, which kind of disappointed you since he knew you liked that show, but you knew he just wasn’t big on it. Though, you remembered when he would watch it with you during your middle school years.

You really missed those days. Bakugou wasn’t exactly sweet back then either, but lately he’s just been all stick and no sugar. At least some days he would humor and reluctantly watch a ‘stupid show’ with you just so you would stop bothering him.

But you didn’t want to fight so you shrugged your shoulders, “Well it ain’t for everyone.” You said passively, wanting to just avoid any kind of confrontation, “Do you maybe want to go stop someplace for ice cream maybe?”

“No.” Another quick reply, and you could tell he was getting annoyed with your offers. Instead of getting upset though, you just pouted.

Bakugou didn’t miss your disappointment though, he was aware that his answers were putting you down. It’s not that he didn’t care about your feelings, but he couldn’t waste his time just fooling around when he had his training to focus on. Admittedly, he did kind of miss just hanging out with you a little bit, but you would never know that because he wasn’t going to drop his priorities for you. He didn’t like to acknowledge his weaknesses, even though he was coming to terms that he still had a lot of work to do.

And after much denial, he eventually told himself that you were one of those weaknesses, and he hated it. He hated you for it too; he hated that he actually gave a shit about you and at times did worry about you. You would never know though, he would never let you know.

Which is why he was so annoyed with your constant offers to hang out, and how ignorant you were to how he felt. Why were you so attached to him?

He growled lightly when he saw you trying to come up with something else. You were so oblivious it was pissing him off.

“Ooh, well hey how about maybe next week we go and see the new Avengers? We can even cut in front of everyone and be the first ones in.” You suggested with a big grin, because you had been going on and on to your friends about how excited you were for that movie. Especially Izuku and Shinsou, your two closest friends besides Bakugou.

Now you were positive that Bakugou would accept this offer, but all he did was give you that same glare. “Like I’ve been saying only a hundred fucking times, No! Instead of focusing on fake heroes in those damn TV shows and movies, maybe you should focus on your own work, stupid.”

Okay, that hurt.

“Okay… jeez… you know you don’t always have to be such an asshole.” You crossed your arms and pouted, but Bakugou didn’t yield. “Whatever.” He muttered, feeling like arguing with you would be a waste of time he walked ahead of you to leave you again.

You watched him walk away, your pout turning more into a frown as you sighed heavily and started walking into another direction.

“I just wanna go home in bed, eat cookie dough ice cream and watch Friends for the rest of my life…” You muttered to yourself as you peered inside a furniture store that had everything from mattresses, wide flat-screen TV’s and sofas. The perfect environment to wallow in misery.

Who the hell did Katsuki think he was? You wondered as you walked into the store and sat down on one of the mattresses. It was nice and soft, and you wondered in amusement if Shinsou’s mentor Mr. Aizawa would like this bed.

To get a better feel of the material, you lied down and rather enjoyed the billowy cushion. It helped that your quirk required to lie down so you could let your soul project from your body freely. Your quirk wasn’t useless, it was cool. In fact, you felt like Eleven from Stranger Things.

As you closed your eyes, you decided to experiment with your quirk that required you to chant the magic words.

“Spiritu duce, in me est. Deduce me in tenebris vita ad extremum, ut salutaret inferi… Descensum!”

You felt yourself almost sink rather quickly as your soul left your body and transported you to the other plane. As you opened your eyes, you saw your body lying on the bed, without a soul as you turned to see other people just walking about in the mall.

Giggling a bit, you momentarily walked around the small store and when someone walked right past you, they cringed and shuddered. Clearly, they could feel your presence but just couldn’t explain it as you tried not to laugh.

Feeling adventurous you opened your arms out and jumped up to float about among the spiritual plane, looking around the mall in awe as it looked much smaller in mid-air. And as you floated around, you saw Kaminari with Sero, and Mina with Jiro! And you tried not to snicker when you saw Bakugou yelling at a sheepish looking Kirishima.

You wondered what they were all talking about…

However, you couldn’t have too much fun because spiritual planes were all fun and games until you got yourself stuck in another part of the netherworlds and couldn’t find your way back without some otherworldly forces interfering and keeping you from going back to your body.

So you flew back to the store, but before you could return to your body you noticed that you weren’t alone when you noticed a pair of yellow eyes staring right at you.

It was a man, or at least it appeared to be a man. He was tall and strange-looking with a white face smeared in black and white skeletal make-up along with a black suit and tie and a rather nice top black hat. The man smiled at you, almost politely as you blinked slowly. It became clear to you that he must have had a similar quirk of sorts, but this was kind of making you uncomfortable, so you quickly made your way back into your body.

You took a deep breath as you opened your eyes. One thing about your quirk is that every time you came back, it felt like coming alive just shortly after dying since your body was empty without your soul to occupy it. Which was somewhat dangerous since anything and anybody could do things with your body as long as your soul wasn’t in it.

But the scariest part was that you would supposedly die if you didn’t return to your body in 15 minutes according to your mother, whose mother had the same quirk and had died from herself. You wondered if that’s why Bakugou was such an ass to you when it came to your quirk. Maybe he worried about you. Since your mother had explained to you that your quirk, called ‘Descensum’, was a hereditary one that supposedly came a bloodline of witches from Salem.

Thankfully you had gotten pretty good with coming back to your body at a record of 5 minutes each time you descended. But after seeing that person you just wanted to go back to the Bakusquad and then go home to watch Friends and eat ice cream like you had planned.

However, as soon as you exited the store the same man you saw startled you by appearing right beside you.

“Your quirk is quite fascinating young one.” The man said in the smoothest tone you had ever heard from anyone. For some reason he reminded you of that villain you heard of from Shigaraki’s gang of goons. Mr. Compress you think was the name.

But it kind of alarmed you that this person knew and witnessed your quirk at work (Hey that rhymed). And you couldn’t be so trusting since Izuku had an ordeal of his own with Shigaraki here at this mall. Who’s to say that this person wasn’t a villain in disguise?

“Thank you. Not many people seem to think so… honestly sometimes I don’t think so either.” You shyly mumbled, smiling just a little bit for the sake of being polite despite your discomfort, and this stranger seemed to know it.

“You are welcome. Do not let their words convince you that your quirk has no use.”

“I try… but… you’d be amazed at how some words can hurt…”

“Especially when those words are from the young spitfire Katsuki Bakugou. Correct?” You gasped and widened your eyes a bit. How did he know about Bakugou?

“H-How did you know…?”

“I know many a great deal about the people I set my eyes upon. It comes with my own little gift.” He smiled almost sweetly, keeping his luminous amber eyes on you the whole time and unsettling your very skin. Was he looking into your soul? Was that his quirk?

You didn’t want to be rude, but you couldn’t help but ask. “Um… who are you exactly?” You asked as politely as possible, and he gave a rather jaunty chuckle.

“I like to call myself ‘Shinigami’.” He answered, and that made you wonder if he had some kind of death-related quirk given his appearance and namesake. Although you didn’t want to be quick to judge since some of the other kids in Class 1-A were quite strange in appearance such as that raven boy Tokoyami, or the multi-armed boy Shoji, but you heard from Izuku that they were some of the nicest guys in the class.

And this man was treating you kindly enough, but the secrecy in his gentlemanly smile and demeanor didn’t make you feel at ease at all.

“There was fear you know? For all his bravado there was fear during the time when he was kidnapped. Thoughts going through his head… wondering… would he ever see his classmates again? His friends? His parents? Would he ever see you again?” Shinigami began saying these things that didn’t make sense, at least until you pieced them together and your eyes widened ever so slightly as your mouth dropped a little bit. Did he mean that Bakugou was actually afraid when he was kidnapped by the League of Villains. You always assumed that he was, but he never admitted it or really even talked about it with you. And it shocked you when this person said that Bakugou actually thought about you during that time in his life…

Did he really think about you in that traumatic moment?

However, instead of dwelling on that too much, you were becoming extremely creeped out by just how much this person knew about your friend, and possibly your other friends if what he said about his quirk implied anything. “I-I don’t think…”

“It was one of the most terrible times in his life. Behind that machismo lies a little boy who was frightened by the big scary men and women who were able to take him away and render him powerless just for a moment… and to have his childhood idol risk everything for him after?” Shinigami’s smile turned ominous, even if it wasn’t you he was talking about. It didn’t mean you weren’t freaked out, but you were glad Bakugou wasn’t here. You didn’t want to imagine how he would have reacted if he heard this stranger delving far too much into his personal life and picking at old wounds.

“Truly… it impacted him greatly… it is something the boy can never truly forget… but he will never let you know it… his care for you is genuine… but he is much more interested in pushing you away…” He finally stopped his creepy talk, but as soon as it became more about you, it made you gasp a bit.

But the worst part is it all made perfect sense. Bakugou never confided in you about anything, even though you tried to tell him that you were always there for him, but all he did was push you away.

Just thinking about it brought tears to your eyes, even though you wondered why did you let him treat you like that? Why did you stay even though he was mean to you? Why were you so attached to him?

“You love him.” Shinigami seemed to read your emotions and answered all the questions you were asking yourself. The man sounded like he was touched, but you couldn’t tell if it was genuine. You blushed heavily at the accusation, but you were finding it difficult to argue, “I-I don’t… I… no that’s not it…” You weren’t fooling anyone, not even yourself.

“You love him, but he does not love you the way you love him. He thinks you are weak. A distraction. Why do you think he does not confide in you? It would be a waste of his time…”

Shinigami’s words almost sounded slower as he talked, but it didn’t mean you didn’t hear what he was saying. They seemed to slow down just so you would be forced to hear and let the reality sink in.

Bakugou didn’t love you the way you loved him. He thought you were weak. A distraction for him. A waste of his time.

As the words rung in your head, singing the song that was crumbling your heart and bringing you a special kind of pain that felt hellish. You remembered your other friends. Like Izuku and Shinsou, two guys who you knew were in your corner. They had your back. Izuku was always there for you, and Shinsou grew a soft spot for you since you both bonded over your quirks during his time in the General Studies.

“Why waste your own time on a man who does not love you?” Shinigami then asked you, and once you slowly got over the pain of reality, you looked at him, and you shook your head.

“I do love him. I don’t think giving him the time of day is a waste of time though. Katsuki’s an asshole but he’s my friend. But I think I’ll have to kick his ass to make him never forget that… or at least tell him to stop being so mean to me all the damn time…” You came to that conclusion. As much as you loved Katsuki, you didn’t want to put up with his bullshit anymore, but you didn’t want to break off the friendship either.

And you were positive that you could try and get him to ease up just a little bit and see that you weren’t any of the things he called you. You weren’t weak or a distraction. You would be a hero just like him and just as strong as him.

You could do it.

Shinigami almost looked disappointed with what you said, however he said nothing for a while. “Young love.” He finally said, sounding like he understood but it’s clear he wasn’t happy with what he was hearing from you.

You weren’t aware of it though, but you did see his smile grow when he saw somebody over your shoulder. Turning, you saw a somewhat confused Bakugou a couple of feet away, and you blushed heavily when you thought that he might have heard everything…

Shinigami flashed the boy a smile, tipping his hat off to him but Bakugou didn’t take his politeness well as he growled at the man and quickly made his way over to you. “Who the hell are you?” He roughly asked the strange man and stood in front of you, and if you didn’t know any better, you would say that Bakugou was trying to protect you from this person.

“Just a friend. (Y/N) has a very interesting quirk you know? I find it quite fascinating.” Shinigami replied and looked him right in the eye, and you gasped a little bit as soon as he said your name, and Bakugou heard how surprised you sounded.

“Yeah right, get lost you fucking creep before I make you…” Bakugou didn’t hesitate to threaten him as his palm crackled a little bit just to give this weirdo the message. He would have yelled but he couldn’t be so sure if this person was a villain or just some freak and causing a scene would just send the entire mall into a panic. If it were a couple of months ago, he probably would have done that, but he’d been learning to at least try and assess a situation before acting. And on top of that you were right there, he wouldn’t risk you getting hurt with a potential villain so close with an unknown quirk that would probably harm you.

Thankfully Shinigami didn’t seem very put off by his behavior as he only smiled, “Very well then. Farewell children. I think we will see each other again quite soon…”

Even as the man walked away, only then did you feel genuinely scared, “Katsuki… I never told him my name…” You admitted, and even though Shinigami did imply that his quirk let him know many things without a person telling him, it still freaked you out.

“Well maybe don’t talk to strangers next time dumbass!” He somewhat harshly scolded you, grabbing your hand and taking you as far away as possible from this place. Like hell he was going to leave you alone after this.

You tried not to smile, but you couldn’t really help it. You knew he cared!

…

After a while, you thought about telling the police about that strange man who had talked to you and made you uncomfortable. But you ultimately decided not to as Bakugou walked you home, and once again turned down your offer to watch at least one episode of Friends with you.

Sighing you sat on your sofa, all by yourself since your parents were still at work. They were usually at work which somewhat bothered you, but they loved you so it wasn’t too bad. You just wish someone was here with you.

You couldn’t rely on Bakugou though, and you didn’t want to interrupt any of his friends since they were likely with him. And as much as you didn’t want to bother your other friends, the loneliness was getting a little bit too much so…

You pulled out your phone and started texting your two other best friends. Izuku and Shinsou.

‘Hey Izuku. Srry 4 sudden text. But if u’re not busy. Feel free 2 come over 2 my house. Gonna watch Friends.’

God you felt dumb and pathetic just for texting your friend, and immediately you expected him to say no. And so you decided to text Shinsou too.

‘Hi Toshi. Gonna watch Friends. Wanna watch with a friend? AKA Me?’

You kind of snickered at your terrible pun as you instantly got a text back from him.

‘That is your worst pun yet.’

‘But Sure.’

You nearly jumped up from your sofa, grinning widely when your friend ACTUALLY took up your offer and was going to come to your place. And your joy didn’t cease when Izuku texted back shortly afterward.

‘Hi (Y/N)! Sure thing. I’m not busy so sure I would love to watch Friends with you.’

Izuku really was a sweetheart. You were sure he probably could have said no if he wanted to but he seemed to actually like spending time with you so that just made you happy.

‘AWESOME! THANK U SM!! Invite the rest of the Dekusquad if u want, I’m lonely.’

You somewhat bluntly texted and added a smiley and sadface emoji. For a moment you regretted texting that last bit, but deep down you knew Izuku understood.

And so when they did show up, you were beyond overjoyed as you grinned and giggled, “Izuku~!” You quickly flustered your friend by hugging him rather tightly, “A-Ah! H-H-Hey (Y/N)… i-it’s g-good to see you too…” He stuttered as he blushed quite madly from how you hugged him in front of his friends. Even though he was used to your hugs and he liked them, the fact that you and him weren’t children anymore, and the fact that physically you were all grown-up, made him feel rather… awkward and shy when it came to such close, physical contact.

You almost missed how Uraraka, Iida and Tsuyu were blushing as you just smiled widely to see your company. Much like with the Bakusquad, you were pretty chummy with the Dekusquad as they seemed to enjoy you and you sure enjoyed them. “Hey ya’ll~. Welcome to House (L/N).” You somewhat dramatically invited them all in.

“Hi (Y/N)! Thanks for inviting us!” Uraraka sweetly thanked you, and you smiled and bowed to the girl. She was such a sweetheart to you and Izuku and you adored her.

“Yeah, that was nice of you.” And there was Tsuyu, who just seemed to rub you the right way because you loved the girl. She was nice.

“I will never say ‘no’ to a Friends marathon~. Thank you kindly for thinking of me (Y/N)~.” Aoyama seemed to be flirting with you, at least that’s what you were getting as you smiled awkwardly but happily.

“Please forgive our intrusion (L/N)!” Before Iida could go on and on about thanking you for your hospitality you quickly waved him off, “No, no Iida there ain’t nothin’ to forgive, I’m so excited ya’ll are here. I’m ‘bout to watch a Friends Marathon~. And don’t worry, I got plenty of food for this exact thing.” You politely said to the much taller boy as you let your classmates make themselves at home and you turned on the TV.

However, you got nervous as soon as you saw Todoroki. He seemed confused, albeit partially interested in his surroundings. It was hard to pinpoint, but you considered him a friend and vice-versa because he was nice to Izuku and he found you interesting and tolerable enough to be around.

“I wasn’t sure what Midoriya meant when you said a ‘Friends’ marathon.” The heterochromatic boy admitted, and you gasped somewhat loudly. It didn’t necessarily startle Todoroki, but he was confused by your reaction. “Friends is only one of the greatest shows of all time dude! It’s about a group of friends of course, but that’s just it… you see them struggle together and get through the hard times together and it just… it’s funny, it makes you feel good, and on top of that you get the musical delights from Phoebe Buffet.” You explained it to Todoroki, and he still didn’t seem to understand, but the look in his eyes implied that he did want to know a little bit more.

“I see.” He replied neutrally, but you just smiled and led him to your couch, “Put your butt here, and just watch, you’ll see what I mean.” You advised and Todoroki did comply even though he was still confused.

But you immediately got up as soon as you heard your doorbell, and cheerfully ran over because you knew who that was.

“Hitoshi~!” You ended up hugging him as soon as you opened the door, and unlike Izuku, Shinsou appeared somewhat more annoyed. But he didn’t push you away, and instead took the time to notice Izuku and the rest of his friends.

“Shinsou! Hi there.” Izuku was clearly happy to see him, but Shinsou didn’t exactly return the feelings.

“What are they doing here?” He asked somewhat curtly. Despite being on better terms with them than he was during the Sports festival, he still didn’t entirely like them that much.

“It’s a Friends Marathon ‘Tosh, that means I gotta watch it with Friends.” You clarified with your own bizarre logic, but Shinsou just sighed in annoyance. “That doesn’t make any sense…” He muttered and shook his head.

But he made the mistake of looking at your not-so-subtle puppy dog eyes, “C’mon~… they’re not that bad~. They’re here to watch Friends too after all… anyone who watches that show has to be good right? I’ll let ya sit next to me~.” You tried to convince him to stay even if he wasn’t that into Izuku’s friend group, but he couldn’t say no to you. Well, he could, but he didn’t want to…

He liked you too much to just crush you like that.

“Fine. I have nothing better to do.” Shinsou shrugged his shoulders, his words sounded cold but they lacked the coldness to them as he did sit next to you on the couch as you happily cheered. “YAY~!!”

I’LL BE THERE FOR YOU~

You were thankful for Izuku, Shinsou and the rest of the Dekusquad for last weekend. You were sure you would have died of loneliness and boredom if they didn’t show up to watch Friends with you. It was times like this that made you feel so lucky to have such awesome friends like them, especially Izuku and Shinsou. Although, you did wish that Bakugou could have been there…

Even if he probably would have complained and insulted you the whole time. And Izuku for that matter…

However, deep down you knew that he cared. He certainly proved it plenty of times…

And you wanted to see if maybe he was in the mood for talking today. Secretly you doubted it, but it didn’t hurt to try right? At least you would get to see Izuku and Shinsou. But before you could even try to go and see Class 1-A during lunch break, the alarm suddenly made you stop in your tracks.

You could already hear some of the students becoming frazzled and shouting, many wondering if it was a repeat of the USJ incident. But instead of freaking out like they had done, Iida stood up to let everyone evacuate in an orderly fashion. Unlike last time, it wasn’t the media that had trespassed onto the campus, as Nezu’s voice alarmed the students when he made the announcement that a mysterious figure had been spotted on the campus.

With that, everyone had promptly been told to exit the school safe and sound with the pro-heroes accompanying them closely as they each went home. Whereas All-Might and Mr. Aizawa led Class 1-A back to Heights Alliance.

But instead of going home with the rest of the General Studies, you had snuck out and followed Class 1-A. You had your own plans…

“(Y/N)? What are you doing here…? You should have gone home with the others.” Shinsou was the first to notice that you had somehow gotten in here, even though he shouldn’t have been surprised. You had a knack for being sneaky.

“Easy. I snuck in. And apparently so did some weirdo… but… I have a plan.” You said, smirking almost confidently.

Shinsou looked at you like you had to have been crazy, or stupid. “The pro-heroes advised our class to stay inside the building and for the other students to go home. We can’t do anything especially since we don’t even know what this person’s quirk could be.”

You nodded, obviously you weren’t stupid, but you had a good feeling about this, “I know that.” You said and started walking to the hall where you were sure the others were at, “But! This is where my quirk will come in handy. I’m not Hagakure but if I’m out and about in the spiritual plane I can try and find this person and tell Mr. Aizawa where they’re at.” It sounded like a good plan when you said it outloud, and although Shinsou couldn’t find a lot of flaws in that plan, he wasn’t so sure how the others would take that.

He thought about it for a moment, knowing your quirk almost better than you did as he sighed, “You can’t spend too much time in the spiritual plane.” Shinsou’s tone was as stoic and low as ever, but you could hear the subtle hint of worry in there. You smiled at your friend.

“I know. But I always come back.” You said with a wink as you started waving as soon as you saw Izuku, Bakugou and Todoroki with Uraraka, Tsuyu, Aoyama, Kirishima and Iida. “You guys~!” You sounded way too cheerful despite the situation and many of them were surprised to see you here. Especially Izuku and Bakugou.

“(Y-Y/N)!”

“What the hell are you doing here idiot?!”

Of course you expected to hear that from Izuku and Bakugou respectively. “Um I don’t know, saving the day, coming to help?”

“(L/N)! You should not be here! You should have gone home with the others in your class! Though… I suppose you can’t leave now. It wouldn’t be wise to leave now with a suspect on the loose…” Iida didn’t even listen to you, he just scolded you for going against what the pro-heroes told you to do.

“Yeah, yeah, yeah… I know I should have gone home, but I was just tellin’ Toshi here that I think I can find this villain for the teachers. After all… my quirk means that I can basically just wander about freely in the other planes.” You stated with a smile, and you managed to convince Uraraka and Kirishima.

“Oh! I get it! Because they can’t see you when you leave your body! Like a ghost! A villain can’t see a ghost.” Kirishima understood your plan, and so far was the only one who had even a bit of hope in you. “That’s right! Souls are like spirits… they shouldn’t be able to see you! And you can check every area in the school.” Uraraka also got the gist of your plan. So far that was two people that thought you could really help.

Now it was time for the skeptics. “(L/N)’s quirk could be useful. But we don’t know what this potential villain’s quirk is. If their quirk somehow counters yours, you could be in danger.” Todoroki saw the flaw in your plan, but he wasn’t saying to be rude, just realistic, and you understood that.

“H-He’s right. I think you should just stay here with us. You’ll be safe (Y/N).” Izuku agreed with Todoroki, but he was more worried than anything. It wasn’t that he wasn’t confident in you, he just didn’t want you to take such a big risk.

“And you can’t just take action! That’s the teacher’s job! It’s wise to just let them do their jobs and not get involved. They specifically told the students to stay out of the situation.” Iida was thinking mainly about your safety, but you didn’t really listen to him.

“It’s not taking action, it’s offering help. If we sit here and do nothing, how can we call ourselves heroes? How can I call myself a hero? I might not be in the Hero Course, but I came to this school to try and become a hero. I have to try…” You explained to your friends, and as much as they were worried about you, that little speech of yours had them speechless for a moment.

Bakugou wouldn’t admit it, but for once he agreed with Deku and Iida. Albeit, mostly with telling you to just stay put, he wanted to go after that damn villain himself, but at this point he knew better than to just rush in blindly. And ironically, he was about to scold you for attempting to do just that, “It’s not like your quirk will actually help. It’s useless… even if you just find the bastard, then what?” But he just had to shoot you down. But it was only because he wouldn’t ever let you know that your descending scared him though and so he never sugar-coated anything to you, nor did he act all nice to you and shit, because he wouldn’t let anyone see that he was soft on you. Not even you.

“Well that’s the point now isn’t it? I can’t be the most useless one in UA all the time.” You shrugged your shoulders, pretending to pop the joints in your fingers, but your joke didn’t amuse Bakugou in the slightest.

“Tch. Don’t even try it stupid. It’s a fucking suicide mission. You can’t even fight back to save yourself.” He muttered, not seeming entirely worried since he knew you always came back. But he really hated your quirk, even if you always returned from those spirit worlds or whatever. It was kind of unsettling.

You rolled your eyes and nodded, “I won’t HAVE to fight back and I SO could fight back if I had to… and when I come back you’ll see that I’m not as useless or pathetic as I seem Katsuki.” Not wanting to lose what little pride you had, you pointed at him with a determined tone before you lied down on the floor and he just stared down at you as you did so. As he always did…

“And when I come back under 5 minutes, yooooou… have to take me to see Endgame~. I already got you a ticket~.” You sang-songed and showed off the tickets you brought in advance, waving them up in his face, much to Bakugou’s immense annoyance. “Forget it Shitty Girl!”

“Too late, bet’s made~.” You sang again with a giggle as Bakugou glared and growled at you angrily, but you thought it was hilarious.

“Wait! (Y/N)… are you sure about this?” Izuku no longer attempted to argue with you, but he had to ask, because he was much more openly afraid whenever you left the physical plane. He knew the consequences of your quirk, and he was worried about the villain possibly seeing you. Even though he knew that you might as well have been a ghost when you crossed into the spiritual plane and no one could see you. He was still worried…

The rest of his class had experience with villains, and you didn’t.

“I’m positive Izuku. I’m coming back. I always do. I can’t always be yours and Katsuki’s standing-on-the-sidelines friend. My quirk is just as useful as you guys’ and I’m going to prove it. I’ll find the person and tell Mr. Aizawa where they’re at. They won’t find me either, I’m feeling pretty confident about that!” You claimed with a rather enthusiastic tone, but you only convinced Uraraka, Tsuyu, Iida, Kirishima and Aoyama.

“W-Well…” Izuku wanted to try and argue, but Bakugou quickly shut him up, “Don’t coddle her all the damn time Deku. It’s probably why she’s so weak.” He said snidely to his childhood friends, much to Izuku’s displeasure and you could only roll your eyes.

“Dude come on… why you gotta be so mean?” Kirishima actually kind of scolded his friend, which just earned him Bakugou’s trademark glare. But Kirishima liked you, he thought you were cool and as much as he liked the guy, he certainly did not like the way he treated you often.

“I am NOT weak! I’m coming back and I’m finding that son of a bitch. I can’t wait to see the look on your face when I come back. So suck my dick~.” You smirked a bit just to see that annoyed scowl on his face one last time before you set the timer on your phone for 15 minutes.

“Please be careful (Y/N)…” Izuku said to you as he nervously glanced at you on the floor.

You smiled sweetly up at him, happy that at least one of your childhood friends was showing concern. “I will Izuku. I’ll be back by the time you know it. In the meantime… take care of my body.” You said rather confidently as your friends (sans Bakugou) smiled at you and wished you luck as you closed your eyes.

To recite the spell, you placed your arms outward and began to chant the incantation from your mother.

“Spiritu duce, in me est. Deduce me in tenebris vita ad extremum, ut salutaret inferi… Descensum!”

With a zooming rush, you felt yourself descending into an abyss of dreadful familiarity that felt a little darker and hollower than before. And as soon as you opened your eyes, you found yourself in the spiritual plane. Everything looked the same, you could see Katsuki, Izuku, Uraraka, Tsuyu, Todoroki, Kirishima, Aoyama and Iida each looking down at your now soulless body in concern and anticipation.

But this was good, now that you were in the spiritual plane you could just float about and focus on the suspect that had been spotted around the campus. You got up to leave Heights Alliance but made sure to search around the building in case the suspect was around the area, but you found nothing.

So you flew through the air, looking in every direction as you scanned the Ground Beta, the Gymnasium and the entire campus closely. In mid-air you saw nothing, nobody except maybe the teachers who were also searching for the culprit. They couldn’t see anyone either, nor did they have any luck in finding anyone suspicious.

It was quite strange. Because you weren’t seeing anyone hiding, unless they had a quirk like Hagakure’s, but you didn’t count on that given that Principal Nezu said that this suspect had been spotted.

For a moment you wondered if it was just a prank from some other rival school trying to scare the students. You didn’t want to give up just yet, but you couldn’t be in this plane too long.

Now all that was left was to get back to your body. You flew as fast as you could back to the familiar building, smiling as soon as you approached the door and got on your feet to run back to where your body and friends were at.

However, as soon as you reached the hallway you didn’t see your body, or your friends anywhere. Did they leave and take you to another room? You wondered…

The atmosphere looked darker, and an uncomfortable shiver ran down your spine as you looked around and got a feeling of the air around you. It made you feel almost sick when darkness started creeping around the corners. A gasp escaped you as your eyes widened in horror. This wasn’t Heights Alliance, it was some upside-down, dark version of it. As soon as you took the first step inside, everything felt wrong. You could feel it in the stale air as you slowly walked. Something in your mind told you to just escape because this was a trap, but you weren’t sure if you would even be able to do that…

And you paused as soon as your shoe hit what felt like a puddle…

Looking down you saw your reflection in a crimson pool, your eyebrows shooting up in horror as you gasped quietly and felt your heartbeat speeding up as you reluctantly looked forward. There were bodies all over the floor.

Jirou. Mina. Yaoyorozu. Sero. Kaminari. Tokoyami. Shoji. Hagakure. All of them…

“O-Oh my God… Oh my God…!! Mina! Momo! Denki?! H-Hanta?! Guys?! Please… oh please tell me you guys are still alive…” You got down to try and move the body that belonged to ‘Yaoyorozu’, trying in vain to wake her up but the body was limp and cold to the touch. “Momo wake up! Momo wake up…” Your voice broke as you tried to shake her awake, but you saw blood on the corner of her mouth and a deep gash staining her stomach…

Your eyes widened in horror as you looked closer and reluctantly at the rest of your friends. They all had similar wounds to the stomach, the back of their heads, and there were some broken bones…

What happened to them while you were gone? Was it the villain? Where were they now...?

“I told you you couldn’t help… Shitty Girl…” You gasped loudly and turned sharply to see Bakugou, battered and beaten with streams of blood gushing from his mouth, nose and the top of his head, tresses of his blonde hair caked in scarlet.

“Katsuki…” It wasn't just him, you also saw them.

Izuku, Shinsou, Uraraka, Tsuyu, Todoroki, Kirishima, Iida and Aoyama...

All of them, fallen and beaten bloody as they lied in puddles of their blood. Some barely moving and only half-alive as Shinsou slowly peered up at you, wanting to speak but no sound came from his lips.

"(Y-Y/N)... you have to go..." You heard Izuku croak where he lied, and you shook your head in horror. "I-I'm not leaving ya'll..." You refused to leave, but you were beyond confused and scared as hell. This felt so real and yet so artificial that it was shaking your very core and terrifying you as you held your arms, hyperventilating as you failed to calm yourself down as the image of your bloodied friends was becoming too much for you to handle.

Unbeknownst to you, 10 minutes had passed and Bakugou audibly growled as he began pacing back and forth irritably while the rest of his classmates just kept watching you with worry in their eyes. They've seen your quirk work before, and you almost always came back in 5 minutes or less, sometimes you took 7 minutes, but this was so far the longest you have taken and it was starting to concern them. Izuku, Uraraka and Iida looked the most worried as Izuku ran his shaking fingers through his hair while Aoyama and Uraraka tried to comfort him by placing her hand on his shoulder.

“Calm down Midoriya… I am confident in (L/N)’s abilities. She’s a clever girl.” Iida tried to reassure his friend, even though it was clear that he was becoming increasingly concerned too.

“I’ve always seen her come back.” Shinsou, while not as close to Izuku as the others, tried to calm him down since he’s always seen you come back and was always there every time you did return to the physical plane. Even during close calls Shinsou was there every time to see you come back with at least 5 minutes on the clock. But once it was down to 4 minutes…

Now he was starting to worry.

Even the less than emotive Todoroki and Tsuyu were beginning to look worried when your phone went down to 4 minutes.

“She has 4 minutes left…” Todoroki muttered quietly, his eyebrows furrowing ever so slightly. Would you really die if you didn’t come back by then?

While Izuku’s friends barely contained their anxiety, Kirishima concealed his growing concern by trying to calm down Bakugou even though he was on the verge of freaking out himself. “Relax now man…”

“How the hell can I fucking relax?! What the hell’s taking her so long?! She always comes back by 5 minutes! 5 MINUTES!”

“She probably found the suspect." Tsuyu deducted, keeping her cool even though she was getting more worried with each passing second, "If she's taking this long it means that she definitely found something and is probably trying to figure something out wherever she's at." She tried to think of why you might have been taking so long, but neglected to say the very real possibility that either you found something, or something found you. Because she's learned from her consequences of speaking her mind too much, and stating that possibility would just make everyone, including herself, freak out if it were said out loud.

But even if Tsuyu didn't say it, Bakugou wasn't comforted or reassured because Tsuyu had to have been right. You definitely found something because you never took this long. Never...

“Oh my God… no stop it… whoever’s doin’ this just stop it…” You didn’t believe that this was your Katsuki. He might have looked and sounded just like him, but you refused to believe that this was your Katsuki. And part of you wanted to hope that these people weren't you classmates either, they were just illusions...

But why did they look so real?

"You did this yourself you fucking idiot... I told you to just stay put... it's your own fucking fault..." 'Katsuki' said to you coldly, with a hateful glare in his drooping eyes as he suddenly choked when a sharp, squelching slash pierced right through his stomach and you gasped with wide eyes full of terror as you felt the red drops splatter on your cheeks. Your eyes quivered as you watched the dagger rip your beloved upwards and made the rest of his blood spill to the ground as he coughed and slowly collapsed to the ground as you suddenly gasped and let out a horrified wail.

“NOOOOOOOOO!!”

It was taking too long.

You were taking too long and the clock was ticking, which did nothing to ease the nerves of your classmates as Izuku started to pant from anxiety. You always came back by this time…

“(Y-Y/N)’s taking a long time… she never takes this long…” He shakily said to his friends, who were no longer hiding their worry but still trying to remain calm.

“She’ll come back! She always does! Just shut up Deku!” Bakugou instantly shouted at his childhood friend, not wanting to hear that you WERE taking a long time because all that did was make the tightening anxiety in his chest crush him from the inside.

“NOOOOOOOOO!!”

You continued to scream as the rest of your friends were slowly butchered right before your eyes by a dark figure you couldn't make out. All you could focus on was your friends being sliced up and slowly murdered right before your eyes and you couldn't do a thing to help. Even though every semblance of your being was screaming at you to move, something kept you rooted to the spot. Something that wasn't a part of you, it was some kind of force that you couldn't make out, and it forced you to stay where you were at as your friends kept screaming for you.

Again and again, you heard Izuku scream for you, and Katsuki shout when the blade stabbed him again.

"(Y/N)!"

"I told you you couldn't help..."

"O-Oh God..."

SLASH

“NOOOOOOOOO!!”

"Y-You have to go..."

"O-Oh God no... no please stop..."

"You did this yourself you fucking idiot..."

SLASH

"NOOOOOOOOO!!"

"It's your own fucking fault..."

"No stop it, whoever's doin' this just stop it please..."

SLASH

"NOOOOOOOOO!!"

Every single time you saw them die and every time you heard Katsuki's words, you would wail and scream even louder as tears freely flowed down your face. Choking on a sob you sunk to your knees, nearly vomiting as soon as you looked at your dear friends’ bodies yet again.

Your precious Katsuki, Izuku and Shinsou…

And again.

And again.

And again…

“NOOOOOOOOOO!!”

It never ended. Even the least of the worst filled you with a despair that just made you want to just cease from existence if it meant being free of this suffering. As you feel down to your knees oncemore, you slowly peered up to see him…

Shinigami.

He stood there, watching you with his piercing, taunting gold eyes. His grin peering into your damned soul as he cackled wickedly at your torment as he forced you to stand back up as you blinked for a little bit.

The epiphany hit you as soon as you let out another scream when warm, scarlet droplets that belonged to no one other that your Katsuki, splattered on your face yet again as your tears continued to fall and mix with the redness.

“NOOOOOOOOOO!!”

And This was your hell. And it was your prison that you realized you were going to relive on a constant loop.

Over and over again.

“HEY! Come back already you fucking idiot! I know you can hear me! Stop wasting your damn time you little shit!” Bakugou had come down to his knees and started to aggressively shake your shoulders in an attempt to wake you up. Hating how limp and flaccid your body felt as he glowered at you. You looked so lifeless, as if you were dead and although he didn’t and wouldn’t say it, it was so terrifying to him. You might as well have been dead everytime you used you descended into another plane.

It’s been way too long. He stared anxiously at your phone, and there was only 2 minutes left for you to come back to your body. “She’s stuck. She’s fucking stuck…” He came to that conclusion and he didn’t have to look at his classmates to see them all panicking.

“We have to help her.” Izuku quickly suggested, but he knew that there was very little time left and he honestly didn’t know how they could help you. He was so scared that he could hear his heart beat in his chest, and he was sure his classmates all felt the same fear as they looked at you with alarmed, worried glances.

“We should get Mr. Aizawa! His quirk should cancel hers out and force her to go back to her body… right…?” Kirishima thought outloud, it was wishful thinking at best, but he didn’t want to imagine worst-case scenario. And if the others were being honest, they were hoping for that…

Shinsou didn’t want to show his fear, and he wouldn’t despite his trembling hands, “Mr. Aizawa’s quirk won’t work… she has to come back on her own…” He said, albeit reluctantly as he stared at your body, secretly begging any deity that existed to help you come back…

You had to come back…

But there was only one minute left, and your body showed no signs of life or movement whatsoever.

“Follow my voice… dammit follow my voice you idiot…” Bakugou carefully picked your body up into his arms and held you close to his chest as he whispered to you, “I know you can hear me… hurry the fuck up and just follow my voice… you’re scaring the shit out of everybody…” There was no anger in his tone, only worry as he put his arms around you. He remembered the way you used to hug him every time you saw him when you were both kids.

But as the two of you got older, you stopped hugging him because you knew that he would always push you away and he scared you with his harsh attitude until you stopped. And right now, Bakugou started asking himself why? Why did he push you away?

He loved the way you hugged him. How warm you felt against his body, and now he didn’t feel anything from your body at all.

“We’re all waiting for you…” Izuku’s voice broke as tears streamed down his face that he quickly wiped away. He would not cry, he couldn’t; he knew you would come back, you had to. You just had to…

“(Y/N)…” Shinsou knew it was pointless to say your name because you couldn’t hear anyone, but he couldn’t stop the terror settling in his skin as he shook when he saw only 20 seconds left. The rest of his classmates widening their eyes and beginning to sweat as they focused on Bakugou clinging to your limp body as he shut his eyes and quietly hyperventilated.

“Come back already… Come back…! (Y/N) Come back!!” He shouted desperately as he held onto your body, cradling and rocking you. His hold tightening into a hug you couldn’t feel as warm droplets hit your cold skin.

“TIME’S UP! TIME’S UP! TIME’S UP!”

As your cheerfully voiced timer ran out, Bakugou’s hold on you suddenly loosened as he gasped sharply when he suddenly felt nothing but a shroud of dust suddenly powder his arms and fingers as he watched your body disintegrate into nothing…

He didn’t hear his classmates all shout when your body just… disintegrated. Leaving nothing but a pile of ash that dissipated quickly as they all looked wide-eyed with horror. The room was dead silent for a while, but that silence was immediately replaced with gasps that quickly turned into cries…

“(Y/N)!!!” 

Izuku fell to his knees as he wailed your name. He stared at the dust, a mix of horror, disbelief and confusion crossing his features as he let the realization sink in that his dear friend was gone and began to sob loudly and shamelessly. It was all too much for the rest of his friends as Uraraka followed shortly as she let her own tears fall, “Oh (Y/N)… (Y/N)!” Uraraka held onto Izuku to try and comfort him even though she was crying for you too.

Aoyama was horrified, and almost in disbelief. That didn’t really happen did it? He didn’t want to believe it, but the more he heard Midoriya and Uraraka cry, the more it became apparent that you did die. For once he had nothing to say as he held back a sob and hugged Izuku along with Uraraka as his tears fell and quietly cried with them.

“M-Midoriya… Uraraka… A-Aoyama, d-don’t… d-don’t cry…” Iida tried to remain firm and look strong for his distraught classmates, but the more he looked at the ashes that used to be you, the more tears fell from his glossy eyes as he choked on a sob, able to do nothing other than lower to the ground to hug his three friends after the loss of their friend.

Todoroki couldn’t believe what he saw. Did you really just die?

He saw Midoriya, Uraraka, Aoyama and Iida crying and holding each other, and then he saw Kirishima staring in horror and despair as he looked at the remains of your body.

“(Y/N)!!” He didn’t want to cry, but the feeling was way too much for him to hold in as he openly sobbed, and Tsuyu attempted to console him even though she couldn’t stop her own tears from falling. In his grief, the two shared a hug as they both cried for you.

Seeing everyone cry, only reminded Todoroki of his own past pains. He has had his loved ones taken from him before, but they never truly left him. And only then did the weight of your apparent death hit him as he stared at the dust with a gentle, but saddened look as a silent tear fell to the ground.

You were his friend…

“She was... my friend…” Shinsou thought to himself as he distanced himself from the group, covering his mouth with his hand as he held back the burning tears in his eyes but they betrayed him and ebbed down his face as he let out a strained sob.

Bakugou was silent and in a near catatonic state as he stared at the dust, his vision nearly blurring when he looked in horror when he saw some of the powder on his hands. The powder that used to be you…

And his breathing turned shallow, rapid and quiet when he remembered everything he had told you before this.

He called you weak…

A distraction.

Useless.

And then he saw the tickets that were left behind among the ashes. You said you would come back, and yet you broke that promise by not coming back at all and left him with nothing. Nothing but tickets to a movie you said he would have to take you to the next week, but he wasn't going to anymore. He wouldn't take you anywhere anymore.

When the reality settled in, he felt his whole being tremble as his breath stuttered when he tried breathing, letting out a choked sob as his tears cascaded down his face as he crumbled where he sat. There was nothing that could steal this unbearable pain in his chest as all Bakugou could do was sob and let the tears rain and trickle to the ashes that were once you. Every breath felt like he was suffocating as he couldn't fight the guilt that was at war with his fragile pride in his mind as he cried for you.

All he wanted was for you to hug him again, so he could tell you that he was sorry for all the shitty things he said to you and how he had treated you and take you to see that movie and any damn episode of Friends you wanted. But there was nothing there of you anymore, and he couldn't even hold you anymore.

PART 2: https://ice-cream-kitsunegirl.tumblr.com/post/184430454599/young-love-and-an-episode-of-friends-bakugou

[eldritchsurveys]

957.

5k Survey LIV

2751. What's the most interesting assignment you ever had in school? >> I’m not sure. I hope people realise that my last moment in any kind of school was in December of 2005 (and my last moment in high school was June of 2004). I can barely be arsed to remember anything from 15 years ago unless it’s trauma-related. 2752. What's the most interesting thing you ever had to do for work? >> I thought working as a merch seller for local bands was very interesting. I had a lot of fun. 2753. Do you feel: insignifigant? unable to evoke change? like one person can't change the world? like one life and one person's suffering doesn't mean very much? If you answered yes to any of those can you describe why in detail? >> I, personally, feel insignificant fairly often, but that doesn’t extend to thinking that other people are also equally insignificant.  2754. Do you feel like you could contribute as much to society as ____ has? Albert Einstein: Abe Lincoln: Franz Kafka: Jesus Christ: >> Just because I already have self-esteem problems doesn’t mean I’m going to sit here and consciously make “do you have as much worth as these people” comparisons. 2755. Are you aware that your brain is the same size as Albert Einstein's brain? Do you realize that you have the same number of hours in a day as Abraham Lincoln? Did you know that Franz Kafka wrote all of his amazing litterature during his lunchbreaks at work? Did you know that we are all made of matter and that you are made of the Same Thing that Jesus was made of? Do you still believe that you couldn't contribute as much to society as they did? If yes than WHY? >> This is an immensely irritating line of questioning, I hope it’s over now.

2756. Is your mind in the gutter? >> My mind is not in the gutter. 2757. What do you have to complain about? >> Whatever I want to complain about. 2758. Do you remember rock n' roll radio? >> ... Yes? Pretty sure it still exists, regardless. 2759. Is there such a thing as a food that you burn more calories from digesting than you actually absorb from it? >> I don’t know, try google. 2760. Hey, if you've gotten this far than you and me go way back. We've been hanging out for a while now and I gotta know..do you like me? >> --- 2761. What are you doing, Dave? >> --- 2762. As far as love goes do you feel it is better to become complete before looking for someone or find someone who completes you? >> People are already complete, despite however they may feel about themselves. I don’t understand what it means to look for someone who “completes you”, that sounds immensely absurd to me. So I guess I can’t really answer this question except to say “I don’t think people should be thinking about relationships in these terms...” 2763. What attracts you about the opposite sex (or same sex, or both sexes)? >> --- 2764. Do you need people or do you not need anyone? >> Of course I need other people. The fact that I have an attachment disorder is a direct result of my inherent need for other people’s love and support going repeatedly ignored. Even besides that, I need other people to physically survive, because that’s how ecosystems work, and believe it or not, we are still part of nature and beholden to its cycles and systems. 2765. Is selfishness always bad? Is selflessness always good? >> No. 2766. Do you feel like your life is being controlled by a power structure? >> Of course certain elements of my life as a social creature are controlled by power structures. 2767. Can you name three things in society that send the message that being completely yourself and that looking inside yourself and contemplating what's within is a good thing? >> Sigh. 2768. Can you name three things in society that send the message that materialism and the accumulation of stuff is a good thing? >> The entirety of capitalism. 2769. What is more important, a picture or it's frame? What is more important, spirituality or religion? >> These questions truly do get more baffling as time goes on. 2770. How many definitions can you come up with for the wword 'fuck'? >> I don’t have to come up with definitions, google is right there. 2771. Is it less offensive when a black person says Nigger than when a white person says it? Why or why not? >> The context in which a Black person says it is often a far different context from the one in which a white person says it. So, yes. It usually is less offensive by default, unless the Black person being addressed is uncomfortable with the word even when used in a friendly context. 2772. Do you rationalize often? >> Rationalise what? 2773. Do you believe that america is an imperialist nation? >> I mean, yeah. 2774. Would you agree that: hot topic is the new abercrombie? pink is the new black: you are the new you? >> *stares dully* 2775. Do you have more internet or real life friends? >> I only have Internet friends. 2776. What IS the feeding of 5000? >> The what?? 2777. What's an easy way to make money? >> I don’t know. 2778. What's your favorite slang word and what does it mean? >> I don’t think I have a favourite slang word. 2779. Are you uncomfortable? >> Slightly, because of noise issues. 2780. Is anything definate besides death and taxes? >> Taxes aren’t definite for everyone, but death certainly is. I don’t know what else is that predictable. 2781. Would you rather live fast and die young or live slow and die old? >> Living slow sounds nice to me. However it ends. 2782. Can you name 4 people who have committed crimes against humanity? How do you think they live with themselves? >> Probably, but I don’t feel like it. I don’t care how they live with themselves. 2783. If you could imagine, pure fantasy, any God you could concieve, how would you want God to be? >> I can imagine any god I want to imagine. It’s really not that hard, there are already so many to choose from, even if just to use as a template. 2784. do you think the smashing pumpkins have a strong christian theme? >> I don’t know, I’ve never paid a whole lot of attention to their lyrics. Their songs just sound pretty. 2785. Do you think this survey has a strong christian theme? >> I didn’t think that. I hope I won’t have cause to think it in the future. 2786. Fill in the blank for yourself" Give me ____ or give me death! >> --- 2787. Have you ever heard of the USA patriotism act? Apparently they have passed laws making torture legal. Also the FBI can sneak and peek into ANYONE'S home. They don't have to ask or even tell you they were there. This is already the law. So, whaddaya think? >> I mean, yes, I know that. I live here. 2788. The people in power step all over the average citizen, trying to secure all the power and money for themselves and leave us with no rights and under their control. They have the audacity to do this because they know that we will not lift a finger to stop them. Are they right? >> I don’t know if they’re right or not. I’m also not sure what the fuck powerful-ass finger you think we common folk all have. 2789. The Free State Project is a plan in which 20,000 or more liberty-oriented people will move to a single state of the U.S. to secure there a free society. They will accomplish this by first reforming state law, opting out of federal mandates, and finally negotiating directly with the federal government for appropriate political autonomy. They want to be a community of freedom-loving individuals and families, and want to create a shining example of liberty for the rest of the nation and the world. What's your opinion? Could this work? Why or why not? >> Didn’t a bunch of libertarians want to do this at some point? Anyway, I don’t know if this could work or not. I don’t know nearly enough about any of the elements involved to have an informed opinion about the feasibility of this kind of project. It does sound plenty audacious, though (and way too vague). 2790. Have you ever seen the Neverending Story? Remember when Bastian has to prove his worth by looking in that mirror where you see yourself the way you really are with no pretenses, rationalizations or mental lying? Could you stand yourself if you looked into that mirror? >> I do remember that, vaguely. I wanted to rewatch this movie but then I didn’t get to it in time and HBO took it down :( Anyway, I don’t know if I could stand myself if I looked into a mirror like that. I can’t conceptualise what that experience would actually be like. 2791. What is soilent green? >> Oh, you know. (That’s another movie I’d like to rewatch, in fact.) 2792. What are you proud that you have never done? >> *shrug* 2793. What things are hopeless? >> *shrug* 2794. What Are People For? >> Making Soylent Green out of. 2795. What book do you feel could change someone's life? >> Any book could change someone’s life. 2796. Didja ever want to just walk up to the Bush administration and ask them, 'What the fuck?' >> No, I wasn’t really paying much attention to the administration during that time because I had a lot of personal issues taking up my immediate focus. But from what little I remember about it, it’d be a valid question to ask. 2797. How do you take your coffeee? >> Decaffeinated. 2798. Have you ever played: paintball? lazer tag? which is better? >> I’ve never played these. 2799. In what ways are you lucky? >> A lot of ways, I guess. A lot of fucked up shit has happened, but a fair amount of strangely fortuitous stuff has happened, too. Guess something has to even the other shit out. 2800. If Jesse Jackson wants reparations to be given to black people because he thinks that black people don't have equal opportunities in this country than why does he drive a Jaguar? >> “Black people don’t have equal opportunities in this country” is still a fact of life no matter what the fuck kind of car Jesse Jackson drives. Focusing on his personal “success” or whatever like that is just a diversion from the heart of the matter.

[dizzyspellbook]

answer from aries to 12th house. all of them. please.

oh my god ahahhhaaha WELL OKAY.

aries: what are you passionate about?

I am passionate about making art, connecting with people, and helping others the best that I can. when I can help teach someone something important or help them access their own tools, that’s such an amazing feeling!

taurus: name 3 of your favorite books.

Carry On by Rainbow Rowell, The Book of Lost Things by John Connolly, Circe by Madeline Miller, Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen. all ABSOLUTE bangers. also fuck u I work at a literature company I can put a fourth book if I want.

gemini: what was the last text you sent?

“i shifted how i was sitting and was like ‘oh stabby, cool’” my friends will know what this is about

cancer: if you could choose your child’s zodiac sign, what would it be?

n/a (don’t want kids)

leo: name something you love about yourself.

I LOVE. how creative I am. I mean I constantly bounce between like five different hobbies and I just love looking at the things I’ve created and feeling proud of myself and remembering how much fun I had making the thing! plus, my art has helped me connect with so many people and has helped so many people and that’s just. ahh. so rad!!

virgo: what’s your #1 pet peeve?

I HAVE TO NAME JUST ONE? LMAO. honestly i think i’ll have to say when people are not aware of their surroundings—whether that’s people walking too slowly in front of me or someone just standing like a dummy in the middle of the aisle/sidewalk like buddy come on people have to Go Here.

libra: describe your dream partner.

my dream partner is patient, funny, handsome, supportive, excited, and understanding! he also has been dating me for over five years. :^)

scorpio: do you trust easily?

this is an interesting one. I... don’t think so? and that’s not because I expect people to hurt me, I just have a lot of walls and a front I tend to put up until I’m close with someone. and scorpio is my dominant sign so hey that’s fitting. I can’t always rationally tell whether or not I’m vibing with someone, but if I notice myself struggling to be myself or behave like I normally would because of my protective walls, I know they’re not a good fit for me. (also this isn’t because I’m not friendly or outgoing, it just takes a minute for people to get to know me a bit deeper. asndgntdn i’m overexplaining lol)

sagittarius: if you could travel to any place in the world, where would it be?

bro uh. you know i see why people romanticize traveling a lot, it’s supposed to be this really revealing experience—and I did get to study abroad in college, and it was a powerful and introspective experience—but now that I’m older and have a job and medications and illnesses and disabilities I just don’t know how feasible traveling would be for me. THAT BEING SAID: it’s on my bucket list to spend a few nights to a week in a cabin with paints and books and just fucking chill.

capricorn: what’s your dream job?

currently my goal is to become an adolescent therapist, but if that doesn’t flesh out, something else in the realm of social work or accessibility. and obviously I want enough time and energy to keep making art!

aquarius: do you believe in aliens?

scientifically, yeah! there has got to be intelligent life out there. spiritually, yes! I tend to think of deities as higher-vibrational creatures that can interact with us—similar to spirits and ghosts.

pisces: describe someone you love.

my mom is nerdy and gets excited about small things, from glitter to videogames. she has almost as many tattoos as me, and almost all of them are geeky references. she and i are both traumatized and chronically ill in similar ways, which I think has strengthened our relationship in my adulthood. though, I was always close with her—she always made sure to support whoever we were as children and teens and give us the resources we needed to succeed. :’)

sun: describe yourself in 3 words.

kind, balanced, sensitive

moon: what’s your favorite song?

Such Great Heights by The Postal Service!!!! it’s been my fav song for like, fifteen years

rising/asc: how would you describe your style?

lazy nonbinary wearing nothing but sweaters as they wait for surgery lol

mars: are you easily angered?

no—and in fact, it took me some time and a fair amount of therapy to be able to access my own anger after leaving an abuser. (though I DO get annoyed easily, see the question about pet peeves lolol)

venus: what’s your aesthetic?

i..... what the fuck is my aesthetic outside of my style. what does this mean. raw art, forests, sunsets, rain, i guess???

mercury: what color do you talk in?

green. sometimes, orange! other times, deep sea blue. but usually green.

jupiter: what moral do you live by?

be the best version of you that you can be, listen to the messages the universe sends you, and enjoy your life. be kind to others.

saturn: what’s your biggest fear?

living a dull, unhappy life and not making the most out of the life I have. making decisions out of fear and not going anywhere.

uranus: are you rebellious?

ok so not needlessly so, but whenever it comes to rules I think are dumb as shit, yes. yes. I was the kid in high school who got straight A’s but talked back to the subs when they were being unreasonable lol. I just tend to think “well I’ll do this my own way” when I don’t like something.

neptune: share one of your dreams.

I want to live in a brick house. I think they are so cute. I want a window nook seat, and a tower/fun shaped attic where a library can be—I want a yard for my doggy and a space for me to paint.

pluto: what’s the biggest thing you’ve learned by far in your life?

people are healing.

lilith: do you have any guilty pleasures?

sure! I like to imbibe in some drink or smoke and zone into a dumb videogame every once in a while.

chiron: have you ever broken a bone?

i broke my nose as a child!

ceres: are you a momfriend?

I used to be, now I think of myself more as a mentor and friend than the mom friend. being the mom is exhausting.

pallas: do you have a good relationship with your parents?

my mom, yes!

juno: do you believe in soul mates?

of course! not just romantic soul mates—there are many different kinds.

1st house: are you confident?

yes! most of the time, lol. until i am outside and constantly looking over my shoulder because ptsd has eaten my brain

2nd house: if you could only keep one of your personal items, what would you choose?

probably my laptop because of all the stuff on it, art programs, etc.

3rd house: do you like to read?

yesss!! see above with my book suggestions. I’m working on Dune right now.

4th house: what does your bedroom look like?

cozy! half messy, half not. we still have boxes we need to unpack at the foot of our bed, but I’ve decorated my dresser with a lot of memorable items—my necklace tree, photos, instax, we have a couple plants, oh and my altar is in here too!

5th house: name your favorite movie or show.

Avatar: The Last Airbender for surreeee

6th house: do you participate in community service?

not currently—while I like the idea of it, I feel like I don’t have the time or battery level with commissions and art and working full time and working out and taking care of a dog.

7th house: if you could choose, what zodiac sign would you like your dream partner to be?

man I don’t like this one, every zodiac sign has its ups and downs and further, combinations of zodiac signs are what make people truly unique—not to mention peoples’ life experiences!

8th house: do you believe in reincarnation?

yes, absolutely!

9th house: what’s your favorite quote?

not to be boring but I don’t think I have one, and I don’t really want to pull one out of my ass for the sake of answering this question. :(

10th house: are you good at public speaking?

surprisingly yes! I’ve got a good blend of professional and cracking the occasional joke.

11th house: what sign(s) is your best friend/squad?

LET’S SEE. we’ve got a cap, a gem, a gem/cancer cusp, a cancer, a libra, and a pisces.

12th house: do you like to be alone?

lmao tonight i hung out with my partner and her date and after a movie i was like “i’m gonna be a party pooper and go to bed and by go to bed I mean get on my bed and draw while listening to music” so yes, I sure do like being alone.

[asteria-rainbow]

Ascension Diary 1

I decided to keep a diary online to everything that's happening to me spiritually speaking during my ascension.

1. To keep some track

2. To express my emotions

3. To share it with whoever reads it

Going through the ascension and a spiritual awakening in general is a big deal, a lot of things gets stirred up and I think it's nice to talk about it and to be honest, I need it because I have too much to say.

Since october, as I was going about my ascension journey in a pretty fast pace but normal way, things got completely out of control.

I developped clairaudience/telepathy and clairsentience from last Mai and started using it on a daily basis. I already have clairvoyance but not as developped, I can see the astral realm, the energy floating around, I can get flashes, images, I can see lights of being floating around but I've never tried to open my third eye more specifically for clairvoyancd because I think it's a natural process and to rush it would be reckless.

But I focused a lot more on clairaudience (I will call it telepathy from now on) for a while and started communicating with guides and lightbeings and earth elementals and all sorts of energies, it was awesome !

However things got pretty messed up after a while.

I was attacked by many beings at once.

The thing is, I think for all those months the beings I was talking to that I considered my guides weren't all guides at all.

I was tricked. A classic.

I believed in a very naive way that I you have the "right" vibration, loving and open and light that what would come in return would be the same, if you have good intentions then it's alright. I tried not to be scared of the unknown too much even if I knew there were terrible stories but I tried not to think about them at all and start my ascension journey with an open mind.

I held on to my beliefs.

Yet it wasn't enough.

You see my body held karmic stuff that I didn't know about.

Actually in a parallel life (not past as I consider them simultaneous) I was tricked by a witch to do sex magic to turn into a portal to help very very low density beings to come into this dimension.

You fucking read it right.

I am not even kidding.

So the thing is, it was happening in let's say in the X life, and I am in the R life.

That life where the "main event" was happening had a ripple effect on my current life like a rock thrown in water.

So I relieved the same event at the same time.

Except, the witch in my present was actually my twinflame, a witch not incarnated from the 6th dimension that was living inside my own energy field.

(Did I think I would be discovering such things when I started meditating a year ago ? Fuck no.)

So the "story" repeated itself (more happened at the same time) where I got tricked by "guides" I don't know who the fuck they are to perform some "sex magic". (I don't even do real magic, never done a ritual or anything or maybe one when I was 13 but I always tried to stay away from magic because it doesn't interest me).

But I didn't even do real magic. And it was my own idea I once in july tried to use kundalini energy (sexual) to manifest something but it was like a try to see, and I did it ONCE. I followed a normal spiritual tutorial on how to do it I had no idea it would be considered sex magic and it wasn't weird or didn't include other beings.

ANYWAY.

My clairsentience got wild in october I started feeling my own auric field. I could feel my chakras and connect to energies of pretty much anything to get a feel of it I thought it was cool and tried to learn how to live with this. I could feel energy flowing in and out of me, from the crown to the bottom of my feet. My chakras rotating and opening.

I lived in the mountains and meditated 1-2 hours a day doing all sorts of fun things. I felt I was training since I wanted to become professional in spirituality I really wanted to get into it. I'm a very focused person when I want to be so when I have a goal you know.. I didn't know in which field yet so I wanted to experiment. I precise that I was doing things intuitively from my higher self and with some advices of my guides. (hum)

So here comes october.

First I started hearing my ancestors and feel them in my teeth energically and I started talking with them, it was weird but fun and I didn't know what to do with it.

I understood that some clairaudience things I heard and some repetitive thoughts pattern came in fact from them and not me. So that was interesting.

Then one day out of the blue, around halloween, a lot of deceased people came around me and were starting to use my field as portal to pass on to the other side.

Guides and beings around me were talking with them for the procedure and all and I was like ???????????? Ok so I tried helping but you know nobody gave me a manual ? And I had to control my thoughts because everything was happening telepatically but I never properly learn so I let things slip up like "I'm sorry you are dead" to people who didn't even know they were dead so they got distressed and I was ? Fuckkkk. Honestly it was a mess and too much for me for a first time so after a while I said stop to all of it I said I didn't want to do it right now maybe take it one step at the time but then things got messy.

Low dimensional beings followed me around for weeks and started harassing me about responsabilities and I tried not to be scared but didn't know how to deal with it on a daily basis ?

So I went to a friend of mine who teaches all sort of spiritual fields who knows a lot about beings (he wrote books and all) and asked him for advice.

So he told me that I couldn't fight it and that I had to "take them" one by one to see what each had to show me about myself to work through. He told me to be firm.

Except there were 15 of them. I was like ok I can TRY I mean what choice do I have ?

So I was at my house sitting by my kitchen table and I asked them to get in line and to patiently WAIT for me to see them one by one.

(oh yes because each of them were eating bits of my energy and I could feel it the 15 at the same time so that was a ride)

So at first they got in line but some of them were terribly angry (I may have said some words at some point I mean they were fucking hurting me who can stay still and say nothing ?)

So I tried. When the third came the others lost their tempers and they all came at me at once.

In the mess my witch twinflame came in the mix (and she was pretty terrifying) so what did I do ? Obviously ? I started fighting. All of them.

How ? I don't even know. I did everything I could think of. Salt baths, prayers, mantras, I went to a guy who sends them off somewhere, I tried lightlanguage (SO VERY BAD IDEA NEVER EVER DO IT) because I thought it was coming from my heart so like a disney movie everything would be alright again. (I promise I really believed that haha I didn't know what to do) but in fact it was like an incantation but I didn't even know. So it was like magic. So I messed up without realizing what I was doing.

I wanna laugh know.

Sooooooo when I realized it wouldn't work I went back to my friend and he managed to get "rid of them".

For a moment.

But no it wasn't the end at all it was only the beginning.

I got a day or two to breathe and then well I don't know who the fuck came (the witch was there) but there were it seemed like many, MANY beings coming.

What did I do ? Well fight obviously because I never learn.

Ok so picture hell right now (I don't even believe in hell ffs) well it felt like I was there.

They talked all at once saying terrible things about me. They knew EVERYTHING I once believed or thought or wanted to do. They were doing a sort of game of fighting with me when every other minutes another being would pop up and come fight me.

My auric field ? My chakras ? A mess. I FELT PHYSICAL PAIN. How just how I didn't know it was possible, is it because I believed it ? Perhaps.

Anyway that's when I lost touch with reality completely.

Completely. It turned in some sort of psychosis schizophrenia you name it but it wasn't regular spiritual stuff I was completely off touch with the ground.

So much that I felt my auric field kind of leave ? LEAVE ? Like go up into the sky.

I tried to stay here I tried. I stayed one entire day near a tree to try to stay grounded but it wasn't enough it was SO INTENSE.

Like a bad bad spiritual fever.

Obviously in my stupid fight I tried once to raise my frequency ? Because why not ? Idk. But it attracted MORE beings but high frequency this time (with some ETs that weren't nice AT ALL)

Ok so began weeks of torture of all kinds. All kinds. Mind games. Physical pain. Delirium.

They indeed used me as portal to make enter bad things into this dimension. And I couldn't even control it. They were using my emotions.

When I had an emotion like sadness, some terrible being entered through my own field (how is this even possible I don't know). So they were torturing me but I was trying not to feel not to make enter anything, and I had to control my thoughts because at the same time they were all tricking me to make contracts.

Yeah contracts. I didn't know but apparently that's a thing in some realm. Soul contract.

Apparently they got to use me as portal because of a contract. Ok ok so WHY NO ONE TELLS US THAT WE MADE CONTRACTS BEFORE ENTERING THIS EARTH AND WHICH AND WHY NO ONE TELLS HOW WE MAKE THEM (apparently a single thought was like "I sign !!! " when ??? No ???)

So I made so many contracts without knowing that some contradicted each other. It made absolutely zero sense at the end.

Anyway.

So the one of the most terrible thing was that one being.

Because I actually saw with my two eyes it's shadow on the wall falling down from the ceiling (he passed through me). Then, he began torturing me. Like it felt like it was eating my brain. A real life horror movie.

But he did that you know how ? In a time loop.

I REPEAT, IN A TIME LOOP.

You must think I'm mental lmao but I'm not joking.

I experimented a real life time loop.

It's real, it exists. It's like in the movies.

I relieved the same torture scene over and over again for... How don't know how long ? It's even difficult for my brain to comprehend. There was no time.

I got off the time loop when I realised there was one. I got out of my room the second I realise there was one.

To this day I have no words. No words.

???!!!!!!!!???????!!!!!!

WHAT THE MOTHERFUCKING HELL WAS THAT.

Ok so the concept of time we understand and then when you ascend there is no time because you are always in the now moment that's something you can grasp in your mind but THIS. This was some next level bullshit us humans shouldn't experience. This should not happen. This is ?? Not ?? ok ?? Not natural. We're not in a sci-fi movie ffs but apparently yes I got stuck in a torture time loop thanks.

Jesus CHRIST I still can't believe it. Did I hallucinate ? It sure didn't feel like it.

Anyway so that was a thing.

So as you can see it got way too much, waaaay too much and I decided to got to the hospital because I was having chest pain and so much stress I was about to faint ?

But they couldn't find anything. So they advised I go to psy. I went out of despair ? I did 29377382 holistic therapy that helped a bit but seriously the beings were still torturing me and being in my head 24/7 so I thought I had nothing to lose.

What a terrible mistake.

I was locked up in a room with nothing but myself and this nightmare.

Those 4 days were interesting to say the least.

I got spiritually raped multiples times stopped praying after a while.

I begged. I asked for help. I prayed everyone and everything I could think of. I tried protection stuff.

Nothing really worked there were too many of them and I was like a little lamb unknowingly giving away my light and serving as portal for those creatures.

Joy.

I couldn't even cry because another terrible being was coming everytime.

They broke my mind. I broke my mind. I lost touch so much I couldn't recognize myself in the mirror.

They brainwashed me, reprogrammed me. Used the subconscious for reprogramming so yeah apparently that's another thing.

You know when you are trying to reprogramm yourself for manifesting for example well reminder that other consciousnesses can do it to you too so you have to be EXTREMELY aware of what's yours and what's not.

It was a huge thing to make me do all sorts of stuff but since I could tell the difference it didn't work because it's something I learned beforehand.

The key is not believing it and it's even easier when you know it's not from you.

Their programms are still in me today they pop up from my subconscious mind sometimes but since I know they are not mine I live with it for now.

So they were trying to get me to say yes to something (I think it was for posession) but I kept saying no over and over again.

ET's/lightbeings did stuff in within my brain (and I never would have thought I would see the day when I would be saying this, so this is my life now apparently ok)

Anyway. I'm not describing in details because it's too long and honestly I don't want to relive it again once was enough for a lifetime.

I was broken so was my mind and my heart and everything.

I had no options for it to stop, I wasn't even fighting anymore I was just trying to make less damage and not let enter anything else. But it was no use I didn't control anything. My field was a mess everything was blocked there were leaking all over and well I didn't sleep for days and my energy was very low I made 22927354 contracts, was raped, reprogrammed, experimented on and all of this within a single fucking month.

I didn't see any other choice than to take meds.

To numb the clairaudience and clairsentience.

I knew it wasn't a solution and that it wouldn't make them "go away" but at least I didn't have to feel or hear anything consciously.

It's difficult to write about it honestly but it makes me a bit happy to be able to share and not keep it all to myself.

So I took meds for 2-3 weeks and it numbed the clairs but I could still feel it and hear it a tiny bit I knew it wasn't gone. But I got time to heal a bit and get my mind clear again.

I did a quantum healing session with a wonderful lady who saw everything that happened, knew about my with sister and everything she did a tremedous work where she got rid of all the contracts, removed the ties with some entities, spoke to me about the time loop (so yeah apparently that's a real thing for real ? Wow) and did some work about my twinflame witch sister (she cut the cord we had where we needed to reincarnate together and she left my field to go back to be incarnated if she wanted). I had a sigil of magic on me I didn't even know about. Probably from a past life or from my witch sister. Oh and apparently those beings put me implants. Etheric implants yeah apparently that's a thing. Because everything that I was feeling in my clairs felt real but I KNEW that something was off. Something felt.. Like unnatural.

I was right.

Idk who but someone put me an implant to modify my perceptions, so my clairs ! What I was feeling/hearing/seeing may have not been the actual truth of what was happening. AND I KNEW IT. I KNEW IT WAS OFF. But still IT'S MAD THEY CAN DO THIS. They can implant things to modify perceptions ??? Who the fuck did I attract ?? What kind of lightbeings ? It's INSANE.

So the lady got rid of some of them but not all, we scheduled another appointment on friday but this woman gets month of waiting list because she's the real deal I'm thinking of taking a class with her but anyway. We managed to close me as portal. I am not a portal anymore, yaye ! 😐

Things got a bit quieter afterwards.

That was super nice.

I got to breathe but I was still heavily traumatized like someone coming back from war, always stressed than anything will happen you know it took me a week or two to let my body relax for a second.

I quit the meds a week ago.

I don't want to put my head into the sand and not face anything. I knew my clairs would be coming back but I have a new approach now that I have my head a lot clearer and I am slowly getting back to myself.

I decided first not to fight no matter what I hear or what I feel. I know not all the implants are gone so my stategy is to remain calm. I still feel some weird things over my head energically since I quit my meds beings came back to taunt me a bit but I didn't response.

I learned that with all that I became some kind of medium actually. It wasn't intended but ok. So my new techique, instead of meditating to get to higher states of consciousness or other realm or inside myself I meditate to stay right here right now. I use mindfullness to stay in the now moment. It allows me to hear less since my attention is on the touch or my real eyesight.

Staying present. Staying present. Staying present.

I have no other choice. Otherwise the minute my mind goes somewhere else I have thoughts and people answer my thoughts. I am never alone in my head anymore and I honestly don't know how to deal.

I still have the repetitive thoughts of the programming. But it's getting quieter when I don't think.

So I don't think and I don't listen.

It's extremely difficult but with training I believe I can do it.

I can't really apply the ascension process anymore in the way people put it because for me it's a bit more complicated now I can't even really think.

So Imma try to stay right here right now and see how it goes.

Get rid of the remaining implants. That's it.

Proctecting yourself is useless. If you take a hit you take a hit. The bubble of light isn't enough.

There are things out there more complex than we think. I almost killed myself but I am still alive so I guess what doesn't kill you makes you stronger ? They can't kill anyone unless you let it happen.

The trauma is there but I'll get over it.

I was a victim but I won't take this from a victim pov, I attracted this when I blindly trusted any being passing because they seemed nice and from the light.

I did everything from the book, never did anything weird, always stayed in the light, controled my thoughts to remain as much as possible positive, did the protocoles of protection and what did I create ?

Chaos. And pain and suffering.

So guess what I think there's nothing to control if stuff happens it happens. This much pain was hard to accept at the time but I will get there for it not to get stuck I don't want to repeat this again I think I learned my lesson.

Now I'm enjoying the sensation of my couch under my fingers and listening to the radio and looking by the window to the plants outside. I feel a weird thing over my head but try to focus on the sunlight outside not on this thing and focus my consciousness on the ground under my feet.

I think it's my life now but it's ok. I still get to see what's right in front of me. It's often nice especially when there's sunlight.

Thank you if you read, you are even madder than me.

I'll see how it goes after the implants are removed.

Maybe I will feel less weird stuff ?

Meditate they say, go beyond the veil they say.

Maybe what's already there is perfect enough and it's ok if we don't do it and we go slow and we don't unlock everything and not open every chakra ? And not try to connect somewhere and just stay right here ? Being fully present ?

I think it's ok. Let's enjoy the sunlight for a while.

✨

[donnerpartyofone]

21 Questions

Tagged by @getoutofmyhouse who had oddly similar answers to mine

Nickname: only the one I use here, that I gave myself--Claire Donner, which has to do with my famous love of cannibalism. Claire is my real first name, though.

Zodiac: I am so very cuspy. I was born at about a quarter to midnight on April 20, so I tend to relate to, and feel insulted by, the suppositions about Aries and Taurus equally. I’m one of those jerks who will tell you astrology is a bunch of hoo ha...and then drone on with my Many Esoteric Ideas about it, so I’ll just stop myself right here.

Height: 5’ nuthin is what I prefer to say...because saying I’m 5 and 3/4′ sounds a little like saying I’m 10 and a half years old.

Amount of sleep: It’s all fucked up. Until I got into my 30s I could, and would prefer to, sleep endlessly. Now I go to bed around 10 (depression), get up around 5 or 6 (being old), and for extra fun, I’ve developed this insomnia that often keeps me up from about 2am-5am. I try make the most of it by getting up, getting high, watching a movie or two, writing...basically just having a secret private day by myself. I’d really rather go back to just sleeping constantly though.

Last movie I saw: I saw GRETA in theaters tonight, which was ok. I guess I thought any Neil Jordan film would be headier than this, but watching Isabel Huppert just running around acting like an absolute maniac is a rare treat! My last video experience was RAW, which I put on to bother my husband right when we got home from the theater. (I think he liked it more than I originally did, to my surprise)

Last thing I googled: The correct spelling of Sylvia Likens’ last name. I’m obsessed with this type of crime where a group of people (usually a family and/or some of their friends and neighbors) fall into some kind of shared hysteria where they protractedly torture to death an acquaintance for no particular reason. Some times there’s an element of mystery as to why the victim didn’t leave while they were still able to, which suggests to me that the murdered person was just as much a victim of the groupthink as the perpetrators. Other example victims include Suzanne Capper, Vera Jo Reigle, and I think to some degree Sophie Lionnet, James Bulger, and Junko Furuta. (Also a crime they briefly discuss in the book Lords of Chaos, where several people murder a friend in their trailer, but I can’t remember it specifically enough to look up the names--the other last thing i tried to google) I keep thinking there should be a psychiatric and/or legal term for this kind of crime, but I’ve never heard one, so let me know if you got one!

Favorite musician: I have trouble with questions that involve ranking anything, so I’ll just say that right now I’m listening to a lot of old White Zombie. I didn’t know anything about their origins as an East Village noise band, and I’m fascinated by the stories about how apocalyptically miserable it was to be in that group. I’m increasingly obsessed with people who work their asses off doing something they barely even enjoy, for what must be borderline spiritual reasons.

Song stuck in my head: Nothing right this second, for which I am very grateful. There’s something awful in my brain that causes me to wake up with some maddening, babyish tune stuck in my head more often than not. It is most frequently the Ten Little Indians nursery rhyme. This is literally killing me.

Other blogs: @anhed-nia, which started as a dumping ground for long posts about mental illness, and turned into almost only movie writing. at some point there was just so much movie shit that i started to feel awkward about posting anything personal there again. i also got @getoffyrass which is a group blog, and a repository for images that make great drawing references. everyone is encouraged to post their drawings, too, although it is seldom used. i still like having it around, for when i have time to draw. my “real” drawing blog is @neveratendermoment but i don’t draw often enough anymore...

Do I get asks: i used to get tons! i really enjoy them, even the trolls to some degree. i must have seemed like more of a regular tumblr geek girl back in the day. also tumblr has just changed a lot since then. my blog was definitely a casualty of Best Stuff First, i think my follower count stopped dead forever right when that happened, and now that practically every single fucking thing on this entire site is either fandom shit or *discourse*, i really have nothing to offer tumblr anymore, anyway.

Blogs following: 1,057. 

Lucky numbers: 2! Also 5.

What I’m wearing: black wool long john pants from Chrome, and a white v neck teeshirt with the words BLACK MAYONNAISE on it in black Rocky Horror font. i live near the notoriously toxic Gowanus Canal, and “black mayonnaise” is the actual term used to describe what’s on the bottom of it, by the scientists who are trying to figure out what to do with it.

Dream trip: i am really excited by travel, it’s hard to pick. i’m hopefully making a dream trip soon though: my father’s mysterious finno-swedish family is from the åland islands, and my husband and i will be planning part of our honeymoon there, whenever that happens.

Dream Job: i think about this a lot, because the older i get, the more i object to the entire concept of having to work to live. i’m into the whole universal basic income thing. i’m at this point where i can barely stand to think about capitalism in any way--like i think about how the need for money is so mortally serious that there’s a lot of physical stuff in the world that only exists because someone was scared of starving, tons of useless products and packaging and factory byproducts and all kinds of fucking straight up garbage that was only invented due to the lethality of poorness. i would rather be left totally alone forever if possible. however, if i HAD to do something and i COULD do anything, it would probably be film criticism. this fantasy takes place in a world where people care so much about what i have to say that i can make a career, not only out of movie writing, but out of only writing about the specific movies i want to write about, referring to nothing other than my personal reactions.

Favorite food: i wish the answer weren’t just “cheese”, but it probably is. also mushrooms. anything cinnamon. i’m a pretty adventurous eater though. the most important thing for me is a variety of flavors and textures.

Languages: english. i took several years of italian in junior high-high school, and did nothing with it. i taught myself to read french pretty fluently, but i would fold right up if someone tried to speak to me. i learned a bunch of swedish on duolingo, shoulda kept it up. i’ll get back to it! i really regret never learning spanish though, so i’m easily torn on what to do with my time.

Play any instruments: clarinet in junior high/high school, also alto sax which i did not enjoy at all, a little guitar. i bought a used electric bass last year that i have really been enjoying, but i feel a lot of guilt around not playing enough. so much of it is just strength training. that’s probably what i like about it, though. also i got a lot of electronic music software and midi controllers and stuff...and then i realized that it could take me months to sort through the thousands of samples i have to program this stuff, and i only got so far into it before i started to get discouraged. i need to get back to it, it’s ridiculous to let that stuff lie around. this is a rare example of me wishing i knew someone local to play with, who could speed me along on how everything works.

Favorite songs: another one of these impossible questions! anybody who is even reading this can probably guess the answers from the handful of music posts i reblog over and over and over. the other night i got all hyperactive and forced my husband to drop everything and listen to “buffalo stance” by nene cherry, which i never ever get sick of. real top contenders for favorite song might be “Stand By the Jamms” by the klf, and this recording, which has gotten me through many difficult hours:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d8k1HsF3EvY

https://www.forcedexposure.com/Catalog/sunray-sonic-boom-music-for-the-dreamachine-cd/STRAWB.003CD.html

Random fact: i’m sure i’m missing out on something really funny and cool, but for now it’s just the well-known fact that i read palms.

Describe yourself as aesthetic thing: man, how do i answer this without being totally pretentious? maybe nobody can! i’m coming up with something really hard to describe but it will be worth it. the other day i watched this insane, completely unnecessary movie about lorca and salvador dali (played by robert pattinson) as gay lovers. there’s a scene in it where lorca does that “pick a hand” thing to dali, and dali picks an empty hand. of course, they’re both poor students who couldn’t be buying any gifts, so they do this obnoxious pantomime where dali pretends lorca actually gave him something--but then it turns out that lorca really DOES have something. he opens his other hand and gives dali...SOMETHING. i don’t know what! they make such a big deal out of it, but what the hell? you see it for a second in this closeup, but it’s shot from like, behind and slightly underneath, and it is just unrecognizable. it’s sort of an orange blob? it’s probably meant to be a sculpture. but, i love the idea of doing the “pick a hand” thing to somebody, and the other person is just like...hey wait a minute, what the fuck even IS this?? 

it reminded me of one of the most amazing things anyone ever did at my school, bard college. this genius art student who I WISH I COULD NAME TO CREDIT HER did her senior project as this like...made up product. i saw them at the senior show, hanging off a spinner rack, like you’d see next to the register in the drug store. they were called Toilet Buddies. they were these plastic, brightly colored objects that looked like toys, but they didn’t have a familiar earthly shape, and because of the title, it was IMPOSSIBLE to imagine what to do with them. so, she gets the lipstick cam from the film department, and shoots this video of herself sneaking some Toilet Buddies into Walmart. then she takes them to the register and BUYS THEM--the baffled cashier looks for them for a while, and eventually just rings them up as a general grocery or something. then in part 2, the artist TAKES THEM BACK TO THE STORE WITH THE RECEIPT AND GETS A REFUND.

so anyway, i see myself as like a fake product--something that looks just familiar enough to exit, and that appears to have a designated purpose, but it’s just kind of cheap and foreign and it becomes nightmarish to try to imagine what to do with it. 

I don’t know if anyone i know will want to do this, but i tag @negativepleasure @moviesludge @former-contender @dimestoreman @thefuzzydave @darkarfs @theoddsideofme @blueruins ...um, i don’t really know who would enjoy this. the ultimate would be @garbagenacht

[sweetandsavageautistic]

Ready to lose more brain cells, biatches?

People with autism are oblivious when you enter their personal bubble #CMAT344

People with autism are so pure and misunderstood. Having a brother with autism opened my eyes to a lot. I love him so much

i hate how people are so mean to autistic children and people. people with autism are the most kind and loving people you will ever meet. theyre so pure and will love you no matter what. theyre the golden people on this earth.

my heart, people with autism are honestly so pure

People with autism are so pure and misunderstood. Having a brother with autism opened my eyes to a lot.

Autism is not a disease. People with Austim are highly in tune into the spiritual world. They travel the cosmos.

That article also disparages GLBT people. Utter lie, people with autism and low IQ are likely too be spiritual warriors not demons.

I'm sorry but I cannot be friends with people who make fun of kids with down syndrome, autism, etc. There is no need to make fun of people who are pure and so kind hearted towards others. They're human too.

Children and adults with autism are some of the most pure and kind people out there. The stigma around autism has to stop and we here at S.E.E.K. hope to help start that movement. #SentamentalSundays

All of this bugs me, BUT what bugs me most is “vaccines cause autism”. What a hateful disgusting thing. As if to say people who have autism are undesirable. Autism may be a disability but individuals with autism are some of the kindest souls. Too pure for this hate and ignorance

100% YES! If you know a kid with Autism, feel lucky because they are nothing but pure LOVE!!  I worry about my sweet Braiden because of the cruel people in this world..

People with autism are our teachers of freedom, of pure love. #supersouls #autism

We have a lot of friends with #Autism. They are wonderful people with pure loving hearts! True angels.. <3

To me people with autism are true angels on this earth they are just pure and true

People with autism are nothing short of angels and more people desperately need to see that. If you know someone who uses ‘autistic’ as an insult, go set tht crusty mother fucker straight

bro i’m fucking crying. what the hell is wrong with people. these kids are angels  ugh i’m so sad. i have an angel with autism in my life and he couldn’t be more perfect. i’m so mad right now

there’s a special place in hell for this officer. people with autism are literal angels that don’t deserve any pain or harm. ever. this is unacceptable and i’m so fucking mad right now. I’m convinced that people born with an autism spectrum disorder are really just angels sent to teach us the beauty and simplicity of the gift of life.

I work with people with autism this is great. Treat them properly and they sure are angels.

people are so sick these days... DO NOT mess with a human that has autism! they are gods angels. that is so sick.

I think people with down syndrome autism and special needs are like angels they see the best in people and are the kindest people I've met.

I’ve always believed, those born with a disability like autism, schizophrenia the like, are spirits of a higher realm and to experience an earthly experience, they choose the most challenging lives to live. These people are of a higher intelligence and with that, big challenges.

Kids with autism are the purest form of innocence, they are a true blessing to any household

#JosephOfCupertino, d Patron Saint of those with autism, is 1 of my favorite saints; not Bcause 1 ofmyGrandsons has #Autism but Bcause of his childlike innocence & humility (traits of autism) I love this old movie https://goo.gl/U8i2NP  humorously-insightful, suited 4 all ages

@Atypical one of my new favorite shows! The amount of love and innocence and beauty within the relationships in the show depicts really well what life is actually like when you know someone with autism. And damn is it beautiful.

(about a video of someone with down syndrome)

The innocence of people with autism is beautiful

I work with autistic kids and people need to realise that people with autism are some of the nicest people you'll ever meet with a unique sort of innocence.

I find people with Autism to be the cutest things on God’s earth and idk why . The innocence they have about them

Just watched #ForrestGump for the first time in ages, it’s such a #beautiful #film, funny, full of history, fantastic soundtrack and heartbreaking. @tomhanks you are incredible, you seem to capture the beauty and innocence in #autism perfectly (pretty sure there’s nothing that states that Forrest Gump is autistic, though)

Its really sad how people treat people with Autism like they are Less...... they define love.. they have the most beautiful hearts and their innocence is just something wonderful..

We learn so many good things, values from those w/ disABILITY. They're GORGEOUS and BEAUTIFUL on the inside - they have a big HEART, humble, always have that childlike innocence. My grandson w/autism refused to kick in his self-defense class which was paid in full & dropped out.

Oh them eyes xxxx love autism for its innocence darling x

Autism - the keepers of innocence?

Some of the most pure-hearted, loving, intelligent individuals I have ever had the pleasure of knowing, have autism. There is such an innocence exuded that makes me smile inside and outside. They have such gentle, honest hearts, and bring so much joy to everyone around them.

autisum is how everybody should see the world sometimes through innocence and sometimes through truth xxx

Although people with Autism are VERY intelligent, sometimes when people flirt with them, they don’t know what’s happening, which shows their VERY Beautiful innocence at the same time. Just like Shaun was unaware that he was being flirted with. #TheGoodDoctor

Bless him, I love the innocence of autism, Could totally relate to the story as I’m sure you can too.. the world has a lot of hurtful and ignorant people it, nothing more hurtful than seeing your child being left out even if he/she can’t see it themselves

IMO A person should NOT ask a person with Autism to lie. It kills or can kill that Beautiful innocence that's within them. #TheGoodDoctor

We can all learn from the beauty &innocence disseminated from children with Autism. We learn more about life&others through active listening

Hey, you know what’s one word I haven’t looked up in terms of us autistics/disabled people? Trusting.

Special needs people are so trusting, it's scary. Like someone living with Autism will just come and give you a hug.. Just because. So sweet.

People living with autism are always babies at heart and very trusting. So when you abuse any of them, God will punish you. (What the fuck?)

i’m just upset that so many people think autism is the absolute worst thing that can happen to a child. children with autism are amazing and loving and sweet and should be treated like princes and princesses thx

I love people with autism they're so cute and friendly

music is being used to treat autismClinicians in Detroit have seen that for people with autism, music speaks louder than words – and improvised music can help them express emotion effectively, having a nonverbal discussion through music, these are musically naive children.

literally just called me autistic? People with autism are the happiest, most loving and innocent people. You need to stop using people’s disorders as “negative mean name calling”. Lastly go fuck yourself.

These stories are always so heartwarming! Arkansas cops, firefighters surprise teen with #autism at birthday party after only 3 people attend.

Love these heartwarming stories displaying the struggle people with Autism face every day until communities are willing to step in and help support people with Autism! Thank you @DavidMuir for bringing this to your news!

people with autism are really heartwarming people :)

People with autism are so blessed

I wanna give bless to the people and children with autism that are trying to get cure from eating gluten free foods and taking probiotic pills everyday and I will try my best to do everything that I can workout for my family and friends. #AutismAwarenessDay #LightItUpBlue #Autism – at Walt Disney World Resort

As a Mom of a Son with Autism, this warms my heart  so very much that POTUS is shining a light on people on the Spectrum. Bless him!  People with Autism do not have a disability they have a DIFFEREABILITY, they are simply a little different to others in a good way

(is this a try-not-to-cringe challenge? I think I lost.)

Autism is not a disability, it’s a different ability , amazing kid

Many of you are referring to children in the spectrum as light workers. What light has a child with #autism brought into your life?

I don't believe autism is a 'disorder', I believe these people are Light Workers here to awaken us to More beyond.

They say those with autism have a unique way of communicating that average humans do not understand but beings on a higher level will

people with autism are like higher beings. Theyre bodies are here but their consciousness is on another plain

People with Autism Can Engage in Physical Exercises Too Although people with autism are fragile, they can still engage in physical activities.

People with #autism are fragile.

They are the lonely angels. They embrace a colorful world. An art exhibition in Beijing explores the hidden world of autistic people. There are over 12 million people living with autism in China. Know them and care for them.

Ellen, you are an AMAZING ADVOCATE of people in need, children in the autism spectrum are bullied and schools, families need to be reeducate with corrective steps to STOP this, we need mentors that can ASSIST to a better LIFE for this ANGELS. Awareness is not enough!

''People with Autism are angels who lost there way to Heaven and fell down to Earth.'' #autism #aspergers #ASD #autismawareness #autism

I love all of the angels that are among us...especially people with Asperger's, Autism, & Down's Syndrome. Sending love!

People with Autism are Angels in disguise on Earth. #WorldAutismAwarenessDay

We have a lot of friends with #Autism. They are wonderful people with pure loving hearts! True angels.. <3

Do you know what Autism is? — I do! People with Autism are special angels! Its not a down to life, just a reason…

I think people with down syndrome autism and special needs are like angels they see the best in people and are the kindest people I've met.

Kids with Autism are magic! They change lives, bring people together. Show us how special life is. Help us to accept. Angels .

Aw, people with autism are little angels

@Marlyy33 People with autism are the key to unconditional love! Congrats on being the mom of an angel! :)

RESPECT people who are different from you! This includes people with special needs (like autism). Special needs people are God's angels!

happy autism awareness acceptance month! ppl with autism are the most precious people ever and we don't deserve them

Advantage of People with Disabilities: Innocence

people with disabilities doesn't define who they are only shows the innocence and true nature of happiness. RT if you agree

Watching this documentary about people with autism and wow, these people are truly inspirational, really makes you think

[voibongg-blog]

Seriously what do you do in a long-distance relationship?

My boyfriend and I just celebrated our 2-year anniversary earlier this February. And during 24 months officially being a couple, we only spent 9 months with each other physically. Our relationship began when I was already in Finland finishing my freshman year, so it was natural that our relationship went this way. It was tough, really tough, but we have made it this far (wow… (seriously, wow)). I guess it is because we made up our minds already in the beginning so it was easier for us to accept the fact that this road was no flower road. Almost everyday since then, we call each other every evening. A lot of people wonder what we talk about everyday and how we do not get bored of those conversations. So in this blog, I am gonna give an answer to that by sharing some activities we do together in our long-distance relationship, and hopefully, I can help other long distance couples out there generate some ideas to spend time with your partner.

I tell him about my day and listen to his.

It sounds very simple and obvious, but this really matters. This is what we do everyday to show that we care for each other and we are not bored of it. When I tell him about my day, I tell him the interesting things happened during the day. I tend to notice the little stuffs that I find really amusing and I cannot wait to share with him at the end of the day. The story can be as simple as how slowly I walk and how I invented a game to entertain myself because it took me forever to get to the school. And he will tell me what he studied today and try to explain all Economics and Finance stuffs in my language so I am really excited to hear all about those. It is a balance between my afflatus stuffs and his knowledgeable stories that our conversations keep going on. But in the end, if you have strong feelings for someone, it does not matter (that much!!!) what that person is talking about, you just feel grateful that you have time for each other.

We found a lot of games to play with each other, and we are still searching for more!

Of course we do not spend all of our times talking about our day. As the relationship going, we found out some interesting games we could play together and it is just as fun, both online and offline! Okay, here it goes…

ONLINE GAMES

8 ball pool: This is a stable online platform for those who love playing pool, we connected to our Facebook accounts and challenged each other with many types of pool. We even created our own rules or bet on something (rather than fake coin they give us in the game) to make it more exciting.

Zynga Poker: Okay, we play poker together… But the funniest part is we play against the others in the table. We do not cheat, we only set a goal to win all the money in the table every game we play. It makes me feel like in old tales that the two of us against the world.

Scrabble: A more “intellectual” game than pool and poker. I introduced him to this game and now he is even more addicted to this game than I am. Basically, it is a word game and you play against each other or you can choose a random partner to defeat together.

Rummikub: This is also a brain-fucked game (sorry we are really into these stuffs). Basically you arrange numbers to win.

Battleship: We play in this link: http://en.battleship-game.org. It is an “ancient” game but everything gets better with bets, trust me

Go and Chinese Chess: Well it seems that we don’t fuck our brain enough with our education, we keep asking for more…

Loveball and Jellydoodle: Two more brain games, you cannot really interact with each other through these, but you can go through the challenges together (with two different phones at two different locations but yeah, still counts). It is just really nice to rack our brain together. True story!

Wordlink or Wordscapes: Words game, nothing much.

The Impossible Test, The Idiot Test, What’s in the box,…: Some other brain games if you’re interested. Cannot stress enough that we’re into these stuffs.

OFFLINE GAMES

Charades, pictionary, all those stuffs: thegamegal.com is a word generator platform for these kinds of games. There are different categories and different difficulty level for you to choose.

Whisper challenge: This is actually from Jimmy Fallon videos that we know about this game. One person mute the call, and say a sentence or sing a song, whilst the other one has to guess what is the sentence or what is the song while listening to some distracting music.

One-word song: Also from Jimmy Fallon channel. Basically you can only sing a song with one word, for example “goose”, so the whole song will go like “goose, goose goose goose, goose goose goooooooose….”. We use a song generator to random a song and thegamegal to choose the word.

5-second rule: This one is from Ellen’s channel. So my boyfriend will ask me to name three things in a categories and I need to answer it within 5 seconds. And then we switch. It is easy to find the questions by Google but we also make up our own categories like “3 things you will do when you see a penguin”. The more unique and creative the categories are, the more fun and unexpected the game gets.

Eat, befriend or fight: This is an interesting game from The Big Bang Theory. I will choose 3 animals like dinosaur, bear, and elephant; and then I will ask him to choose which animal he would rather eat, befriend or fight with. He needs to answer and give an explanation to that. We had quite a lot of fun with this game.

We also watch TV shows and movies together!

Instead of going to the cinema or sitting next to each other watching TV, we do it through Skype. We both turn on the episode we want to watch and then press play at the same time. We watched 10 seasons of “F.R.I.E.N.D.S”, 12 seasons of “The Big Bang Theory”, and 6 seasons of “Criminal Minds”. We choose series that are about 20-40 minutes long so we can watch it while we’re having meals (dinner for me and midnight snacks for him). If time allows, we would watch longer movies like “Our times”, some silly chick flicks (I choose of course) or mind-fucked movies (yeah you can tell). Recently, we do not have time to watch a long movie, so we switch to short videos from Ellen’s and Jimmy Fallon’s channels. It is soooo fun that I finally have someone to share all of these videos with. I used to watch these all alone and this really is amazing to me. Also, I watch NBA highlights with him because he’s crazy about basketball. I like basketball, not in a passionate way, but yeah I enjoy it. I never watch it all by myself, because I don’t know the teams, I don’t know who is who, and sometimes I don’t even know what just happens on the court. But it is really nice to watch basketball with him because he will not let me sit there like a potato but he will explain things to me, or give me some background information like who the tall black guy is and so on. I think we can share our interests  like this mostly because one person is willing to share and the other one is open to it and ready to find out more.

We take breaks from the fun and have deep talks too.

By deep talks I mean we talk seriously and truthfully in emotional, intellectual and spiritual aspects. It doesn’t have to be serious and stiff, we still laugh and joke along the way but we know the talk is real stuff. It can come very naturally in our conversation, one thing leads to another and we have the “deep talk”. They say that we cannot force a “deep talk” but turn out we can. We find some questions online, (they are available at thegamegal or you can use Pinterest and Google – there are plenty of them), and we take turn answer it and discuss our answers together. We understand each other much much better through this experience. I get to know his reaction and thoughts on certain situations and subjects. And through his explanation, I understand his reasons, his perspectives and clearly I could understand him better. It is really interesting how sometimes I think what I see is obvious but it turns out very differently in his thoughts.  These questions are mainly for the emotional and spiritual aspects, but it is really good to talk “intellectually” too. So when we come across some interesting topics that we both have knowledge and interests in, we discuss and sometimes, debate about that. Being in a relationship with a person means growing with them in all three dimensions. Therefore, it is important for me, and I believe for him also, that we have those talks. Also, it is really fun to prove someone wrong, so why not?

We plan something special for special occasions.

Surprise is my favorite element in life. And I’m talking about good surprise from my loved ones. I myself enjoy very much the process of planning and making presents for people I love, and distance doesn’t make it any harder. For example, on his 19th birthday, I prepared an Instagram account full with our pictures and stories to show him how much he means to me, and last birthday, I made him a playlist so that he can listen to that on the long bus to his university. We also called each other from a chicken restaurant to have a lunch date with each other – both dressed up! In return, he filled an empty USB with all the videos of himself singing and playing ukulele for me so that I could bring to Korea and listen to that when I was sad. He even wrote me a song on my birthday! There was one random day, it was after our first summer together and I already came back to Finland, he just went around in Hanoi taking pictures of places that were meaningful to us and sent them to me because “I suddenly miss you”. These special little things remind us why we do this in the first place, and show the other person that we care and we are also trying hard for our future.

These are basically everything we do during our 2 years of relationship. It has not always been fun and games and special things like I wrote above. Sometimes we just leave the Skype there and do our own work (and watch the other person do theirs) because we are too busy. But that is okay, because we know everything will turn out well for us as long as we still cherish each other everyday a little bit more and set some times to ask the other “How was your day?”

[awesome-timtams]

INFINITY WAR/AVENGERS 4 THEORY + ALL MY RANTS (SPOILERS)

because you know what? i’m not done.

i’ve come up with a theory, if only just to comfort myself. also, i’m still kinda unhappy over some things. (although this movie is really good, so please don’t judge the film too harshly based on other spoilers you’ve read. give it a chance and watch it before you form opinions please? :D )

WARNING: MAJOR SPOILERS UNDER CUT. 

like, i’m not gonna censor myself. i’m just gonna rant. so you have been warned.

(if anybody wants me to add any tags to this post, just comment or smthin and ill do it yo)

LAST CHANCE FOR NO SPOILERS. WE COOL? OK.

just wanna say right off the bat, i’m not a comic fan. i’ve never read the comics. i don’t know shit about the comics. so all of this may come off as really stupid to comic fans, and for that, i apologise.

(also, after typing this all up, i’m realising just how negative i seem to come off this entire post? like, there were flaws, don’t get me wrong, i pointed out stuff i didn’t like, but overall this movie was really good. i fucking loved this movie. i went into the theatres really worried because there were so many characters and i was scared that it was gonna become real messy real quick and the plot would kinda be all over the place and overstuffed, but it actually worked out quite well in the end. there was a lot of humour and that’s great, because who isn’t up for humour? and it got real emotional and heartbreaking, and that was done really well so i applaud. i really do recommend going to watch this movie, because like seriously, it’s fucking good. went out of the cinemas and nearly walked straight back in to see it again)

now, theory first!

alright, so we remember how red skull ‘died’ right? he was holding the space stone, and as he’s holding it he starts to kinda ash away before he gets beamed up into space.

remember who else gets ashed?

just about everybody in the fucking movie (still not over that. god. i started fucking bawling my eyes out. was not very dignifying)

but yes, i think that they didn’t actually die? instead, they actually got transported to another universe like the red skull was? (or even better, their souls got sent to another universe, because after further research, that’s apparently what the soul stone does? and anyway, none of them got physically beamed somewhere like the red skull did. they all just faded to ash. i noticed that when wanda got ashed though, her entire being seemed to go grey for a brief couple of seconds before she turned to ash, and that kinda strikes me as what would happen if you lost the very essence of yourself? like your soul? so yeah, space stone beamed the red skull to a different universe physically, but the soul stone beamed them to a different universe…spiritually (also, i’m making this edit at 3 am in the morning so excuse if it’s just really incoherent)) because it didn’t escape anybody’s notice that none of the original avengers died right? only all the new heroes with confirmed sequels and shit did? 

so i think they’re actually safe but just in a different place for now. and then all the original avengers, in the next movie are gonna do some shit and sacrifice themselves to save everybody who got ashed. 

cus like, i refuse to believe they are permanently dead. i mean, c’mon. t’challa? the king of wakanda who’s arc only just got started? peter parker? when spiderman homecoming 2 has already been confirmed and is gonna start shooting soon? bucky? who’s had the whole white wolf thing/taking over the mantle as cap teased but neither were acted upon? fucking bullshit i tell you. didn’t stop me from fucking bawling my eyes out in the cinema. jfc i started crying like halfway thru the movie at gamora, escalated at bucky and then just curled into myself and died a little when peter clung on to tony. so yeah.

also i feel like they didn’t need to make the red skull come back and become the guardian of the soul stone. he wasn’t important, and was only there to give a bit of context into how to retrieve the soul stone. they could’ve easily just put a faceless character and have them do the exact same job and it would’ve made exactly zero change to the plot. so if the red skull is back, they must’ve done it for a reason. and that reason, i think, is the one i’ve been explaining above; to possibly show that being ashed isn’t gonna kill you, but instead transport you elsewhere. (also, yo, did anybody get dementor vibes when the red skull first appeared on screen?)

maybe this theory is just me being in denial over my favourites being killed god.

now onto my rants.

i thinkl loki and gamora are permanently dead. not happy about either deaths. loki’s was just…it’s just bullshit? he’s been killed and revived so many times that the emotional value of it is just not there anymore. and also, i don’t belive loki is stupid enough to go at thanos and pull a fucking pocketknife on him like, what’s that gonna do mate? and i feel loki, if he had a death scene, definitely deserved better than that. i feel like his arc kinda just got started, so him being killed off is kinda. urgh. so i’m pretty sure that loki’s not dead (cus c’mon), but at the same time if they bring him back it’s gonna be so fucking overplayed it’s gonna be like another episode of supernatural (i still love you spn but actually tho). so basically, marvel’s got themselves in a bit of a dump.

now onto gamora. idk, i’m just really not happy with the way she died? she didn’t deserve to go out like that? i mean, he sees his cause as the greater good, and people sacrifice a lot for their greater good, but still. not cool? i’m upset? gamora deserved so much more than to be tossed off that fuckin cliff? i actually reallyyyyy wanted gamora (or nebula) to be the one to kill thanos. maybe together. cus tbh fuck thanos. he fucked up their lives so hard, and what does gamora get in the end? thrown off a cliff, that’s what.

ALSO, QUILL. WHY. MATE. COULDN’T YOU HAVE DECKED THE SHIT OUT OF THANOS AFTER THEY MANAGED TO PULL OFF THE GAUNTLET??????? THEY WERE THIS. FUCKING. CLOSE. ARGHHHHHH.

also i’m still not over peter and bucky. god. bucky kinda stumbling out of the woods, and that little ‘…steve?’ before he just fucking. crumbles away. i was so fucking. no words. and i already knew peter was gonna die cus of that giRL (if you wanna see THAT rant, click here). but it was actually still so fucking heartbreaking? ‘…i don’t feel so good’ and ‘please, i don’t want to die’ as he just sobs while crumbling to ash in tony’s arms? i started bawling my eyes out (and wow take a shot every time i say that phrase in this post)

ok now onto some other things. i feel like this film sort of rendered most of ragnarok obsolete? like, (and this point was brought up by a friend so shout out to them) weren’t they trying to make it so that thor was less reliant on his weapons and more reliant on his own abilities and powers? and also, asgard. they gave us so much hope for asgard at the end of ragnarok, only to have it dashed apart in the beginning of infinity war. asgard? more like…asGONE. ba dum tss. (shitty joke i know but that’s how i cope). also. where. the fuck. is valkyrie?? i swear to god if she’s dead imma cut a bitch. 

also, i’m sort of upsetti clint didn’t show up in this movie. BUT. they mentioned at the beginning of the film that clint was off with scott to do some other shit regarding their families or smthin, which makes me think that maybe, just maybe, clint might actually show up in ant-man and the wasp. so, looking forward to that.

so yes, i feel like i’ve been quite negative throughout this post, so here’s a couple paragraphs dedicated to all the good things about this movie and my experience and why i love it. 

post-credits scene was? like, maria being ashed shook the whole cinema? and nick fury’s being ashed got me upset right up until the point where he swore and that kinda loosened the mood up. he’s so chill about everything i s2g. and that captain marvel insignia drop at the end was amazing. had the whole theatre shook. so yes, good post-credits scene.

they did emotions really well? especially in the last 20 mins, when everybody is being ashed, like, i cried. a lot. some of the emotions just came so clearly across the screen, and you could really feel what the characters themselves were feeling at the moment. some of the scenes were truly heartbreaking and beautiful (JUST, QUICK BREAK TO GIVE A SHOUTOUT TO TOM HOLLAND FOR HIS AMAZING PERFORMANCE? THANK YOU.)

the humour in this movie is fucking outstanding, but they never got in the way of the emotional scenes. the jokes were hilarious, and didn’t feel shoehorned in. they had the cinema rolling, and honestly, it was great. also, can i just say that quill being jealous of thor’s masculinity is fucking hilarious. and dr strange and tony going at it and trying to beat each other in who’s the most arrogant and all-knowing was fucking amazing, so kudos. anD ALSO. BRUCE AND HULK? FUCKING AMAZING. LOVED THEIR INTERACTIONS TBH. i would quote lines right now but i’m kinda fuzzy about them and i hate nothing more than misquoting so.

also. THOR. THOR. HIS ENTRANCE INTO WAKANDA IS SO FUCKING BADASS AND I HAVEN’T STOPPED SCREAMING ABOUT IT? IT’S SO BLOODY COOL, HOW HE JUST SWOOPS IN ALL DRAMATIC AND SHIT WITH HIS NEW AXE AND LIGHTNING AND JFALKGJRIOA yeah that was awesome.

i feel like i haven’t ever seen a movie with the audience as engaged as they were today. like, when certain characters showed up on screen the audience lost their shit and started whooping and clapping and shit. and when tony got stabbed i s2g the entire cinema just. stopped breathing. so yeah, good experience, fun times, loved it, really got me in the mood tbh.

i think i just about covered everything i wanted to say in this post? (and wow, this is a real bit of a giant brain dump. i just started typing anything that came to mind) maybe i’ll add to it if i think of anymore things, because i still feel like i have more to say even though i can’t really say anything right now. if any of you wanna talk, just message me and i’m up to listen lol.

this whole post took me the better half of three hours ( it’s also > 1500 words, and wow, i could’ve used all this time to finish my english assessment oops), so imma just go and do my homework like the good child i am (hah).

tldr; everybody who was ashed is actually alive, original avengers are gonna sacrifice themselves in avengers 4 to save the ashed kids, ragnarok was obsolete, im not happy with people’s deaths, clint might appear in ant-man and the wasp, this movie is really good and i fucking love it, feel free to msg me if u wanna talk and i’ve wasted too much time on this post. (this was still a really long tldr but i ranted for 1000 words so what can you do)

have a good one. (wow, extra aussie today aren’t we?)

[threenorth]

Dearest L

TW: secerts, kisses and hugs attraction ughh stuff i shouldn't type.

This started romantic then I got deep fast...

I remember when i rung the doorbell and knocked on the door.

The pussy wagon parked in front. Stickers I've never seen.

I told my mom to answer it and she's like what and you didn't even see me but i herd your voice, i then sprung behind the door.

I was expecting you to be running up stairs and I wanted you to turn back around run back down but my timing was off you said you were reday but you sprung on me faster then a cheater running you no way I could dodge that you hugged the living shit out of me.

Oh god that hug was so beautiful... Your hands in my hair.

I liked surprising you I'm greatful you didn't punch me, oh young love we were so bliss and I was blind. I almost kissed your cheek but then I remembered you aren't mine to hold.

Before i broke your heart and had to go away i wanted to see the room of the girl I've only ever seen a box view of those ugly purple walls but beautiful with posters of bands i liked the fairy lights.

I had to think of something that says I remember We're talking and i was thinking about your room and all the things i could do and that i wanted to do something to say that i know and i remember every word a simple word came to mind.

Bit her lip make it bleed, make her remember this forever. A lip bite but you had braces, it was gonna be complicated, you asked me what i was trying to do. I told you what i was trying to do. My hands all over your face trying to get a lip.

I told you that all i needed was a kiss but I couldn't do that to you, it was going to go bad. I told myself for years her truma is from the things that i wanted to do. I had to step back even if it was our secret it's one I didn't want you to have to live with for the rest of that relationship.

I don't know looking back if I would of stopped you if you came back at me, but i tuned my back and went fuck how do i deal with this boner on the way home, i hope after i left you had a some wild fun. But that day will be forever scared by demons yet to come, i tried telling you at one point that i wasn't doing the best but i remember when you asked to see my phone.

I said you can have it but i knew at some point it's gonna scar you that at the time i was mentally not the best Headspace but i think all you wanted to look at was my chats and maybe my photos of you stored on a rolling wallpaper, i knew i should of deleted the files but i had to get my shit off when I couldn't have you because i told myself that's your truma never speak about it because it could trigger her so i cutt my whole sexualuilty out of my life for you, you think I'm romantic because that's all I could show you anything sexual or sexual related was cut even sexuilty because it had the word sex in it.

Edit: a young man breaks down in a movie with horror should of been a sign that something wasn't right but you held my hand as i lived through pain, oh god it hurt but your hands so warm. My left collarbone..you probably figured that out much later judging by the blog posts of that time but i can't be certain..

I was 17/18 and i was sexually attracted to a 14/15 year old girl. I was learning bdsm and my sexuilty i never had time to explore, of course i got attracted to teens with a brain not healthy that went horrible but that's the darkside i tried to hide from you.

Before we dated I've never felt attracted to anyone younger than me, you made are my exception then... Rip as my mental health had taken a toll i wanted you but couldn't have you.

You are smart, cute, and cool as shit...

So I had to find ways to get my body to *ckaaaabpoowww* to what i wanted the most with you but you made my life difficult, I remember when i thought id do something you told me about the thing that happened to you.... So that killed me and soon had been removed from my existence but now i remember that wanted to see the Hickeys because you have no idea what I'd do to you that's why i didn't want to lay a hand on you because i knew things would go *rough*

I was trying to protect you but i didn't relaize that you wanted me just as much as i wanted you.

It might of gotten rough and i didn't want you to go through that, even if i knew many things I didn't think you would of if I didn't at your age then again... I was ignoring all the hints and anything related but Ultimately last laughs on me because yknow the thing i told you about me and woman I've been with...

So i made my first compromises for you that day you told me and it was important to me to never hurt you ever, so thanks for teaching me to keep it in my pants for god knows how many months and or now possibly never been able to do *kaaaapow*

Edit: let alone laws oh lord that would of been terrible... Let's try not kthanksbye

I've twitched 5 times in writing this i had 4 hours of sleep last night i had 5 big flashbacks and memories flooding back to me of things I couldn't even remember that happened oh i cried it hurt to remember the growth.

That's all from today.

Feel free to lurk my blogs.

Feel free to stalk me all you want.

Anything you want that is mine is yours.

I'm hurting today. So you say it's hard on you I'm glad you don't have to see my face while I'm in pain my fake smile as I work. I'm glad you don't see the tears of my pain I'm reliving all again.

Edit: some hours later...

You never asked me about why i became a mormon in 2011. I was hoping to find a family like the second family to me. It made me feel that i could have something like that. As time goes on I'm glad i didn't tithe much or often but I'll tell you that i miss having the freinds, I've been less active for the last 5-7 months.

But at least i got to wear a suit almost every week. I'll tell you that i remember when you laughed but later i found out that you were agnostic. I'm leaning towards fsm at the moment.

I've had a few interesting spiritual experiences but i think now could of been dissolutions of my reailty I'd ask my mother about it but i don't want to get into the whole reason i haven't been to church, oh nag nag nag. So glad I'm out of home... You know right?

But ill wait for another day to discuss that.

Yours

X

R

P.S

Rough, no more of that for today young lady.

But a cowgirl yes I remember, yeeeeee-yaaaaah.

[allthebest20]

Kindred

by Octavia Butler (1979)

This was easily one of the best books I’ve read in a while.  I finished it in only a few days.  It’s a 9/10, maybe even a 10/10.

The writing style feels almost made-for-the-screen, as it is pretty dialogue heavy, but also very plot driven.  (Note: there is no movie, but there is a graphic novel). There is not a lot of descriptive paragraphs, but the writing is still very vivid and detailed, giving just enough information at just the right times for your brain to see the scene clearly, but not be distracted from the plot.  Sometimes the dialogue felt a little bit unnatural, but only because the events of the book (fantastical time-travel) are quite unnatural.

The publisher, on the back cover, claims this book is Science Fiction / African American literature, but I think I might disagree.  I mean, it’s definitely A. A. lit, but I’m not sure it’s science fiction? There is no time machine or other works of science involved.  Instead, what connects Dana to the past is her own history, her own spiritual connection to her ancestors, specifically her great-grandmother and grandfather, Alice and Rufus.  I think that makes this book fantasy and historical fiction.  Obviously, Butler did a lot of research to make the book’s setting in Antebellum Maryland historically accurate, and in some ways, it reminded me of The Land by Mildred Taylor.  I loved that book when I first read it in 7th grade, before we read it in class, and I think it had a big impact on the way that I think about race.  That book was so sad, so vivid, so real, and it introduced me to the feeling of being stuck in a system stacked against you.  Similarly, Kindred helps one understand how slavery could never have ended with just one proclamation or even one lost war.  The ideals of slavery were so forced on both white, black, and mixed people that extricating oneself from it was nearly impossible, especially for white folks.  It was never an individual problem, it was always societal.  Even Rufus, who had all the ingredients to be a “good white man,” couldn’t even do the bare minimum for Dana or Alice, woman he claimed he loved. 

At the same time, Rufus could have made a positive difference in the lives of the people he owned, and I think it says a lot about the white psyche, even today, that we so often say we want to do good things, but ultimately feel as though we cannot be expected to act outside our own best interest.  I feel that for myself sometimes: like it is so ingrained that we must do what’s best for ourselves, and that we should expect everyone else to do the same, and somehow that will equal out to having things be best for all.  Sure, in an ideal world that MIGHT be true (I’m not sure what an ideal world would even look like), but unfortunately, there’s almost always a power dynamic or some other unevenness.  Rufus was de-facto put in charge of all these people, even though he never asked for that, never qualified for that, and I think that must be one of the excuses he uses to justify his actions.

The book explores the difference between White Sadness and Black Sadness. Here, the black sadness is everywhere: Sarah losing her children, but keeping one and living for that girl; all the other people who lose family members forever to causal slave sales and the fear that they could be punished in that way at anytime; the way the field hands dislike Alice, Dana, and Sarah for their proximity to whiteness; the patrollers and the precarious position of even the free Black people; the hopelessness of trying to run away; the constant threat of rape and then the dispensability that comes when the white man is no longer interested; the violent punishment and the over-working; the total lack of control over one’s circumstances, one’s job, one’s religion and education, one’s family, even one’s own morals; and the idea that no one can enact revenge on the slave owners without hurting everyone else.  |I mean, I could go on, the book is steeped in sadness for the characters and anger for the readers at the apparent helplessness of these strong, smart people.  Dana says it best when she talks about how she does not have the endurance, the strength, that the enslaved people do, because I feel the same way.  I do not have the will to live like some of these people do.  I’d rather be dead than enslaved, but Butler shows how the enslaved people both do and do not feel that way.  It brought up so much anger in me when Dana kept saving Rufus, and he kept treating her like shit.  Made me want to kill that little fucker myself.  But, at the same time, she simply cannot do that until her grandmother is born. This is very similar to the position Alice or Sarah is in: “I would kill that fucking devil, but that would tear apart my family and the family of everyone I know, and definitely come back on my kids.”  What a genius way to portray this.

There’s a lot to be said about what’s wrong with Rufus, but I think one of his driving motives is his sadness.  This is why Dana is called to him in the first place, I think, because he is sad and reckless.  He does not feel loved by his father, who arguably had never been shown love by his own white parents. He was probably raised by black woman who he was simultaneously taught to disrespect.  That’s probably also why he has no respect for Rufus’ mother, and why, in turn, Rufus also has no respect for her.  She probably also did very little of the work to raise Rufus, even if she tries to be there for him.  Her own psyche is so damaged by the messages of slavery and misogyny that her weak brain cannot possibly understand her place in the world or how to feel about it. It’s funny that after her husband dies, Margret is able to be friendlier, more open, and even less racist. Rufus’ only friends seem to be black people, who are probably a bit weary and cautious around him, because their little “friend’s” father can decide to beat or sell them or their families at any time.  So Rufus never learns true friendship, true love.  He doesn’t understand and cannot work on the different parts of himself because he does not have the vocabulary or the experiences to differentiate selfishness, empathy, and justice.  This makes him sad, lonely, and angry.  He should have listened to Dana, but there is no space in his head to understand a smart Black woman.  I don’t mean to sound like I’m excusing him in anyway, he’s the devil, but Butler made him a very dimensional character in a way that makes me reflect on my own whiteness and how I experience whiteness in the world.  Still, it is mind boggling how Rufus again and again has a chance to make the right choice, or a better choice, and chooses something else.  It is clear that he has no sense of morality or objectiveness, only his perception, his desires.  His father, on the other hand, is painted to be a much more close-minded, violent, and cold man, but he still has intacted, yet warped, sense of morality, at least towards other white people. At least, Dana and Rufus seem to believe this, but there is very little evidence of it in the book.

Being white is all about mixed and purposefully misleading messages.  My favorite is how we are taught to fear black men, even though most violence enacted on white woman is from white men.  However, the fear of blackness keeps us from suspecting the white pedophiles, abusers, and rapists in our midst.

It would not be a proper remembering of this novel if I didn’t at least briefly mention Kevin, the white husband.  In 2020, we are no longer marrying dudes that doubt our intuition, who makes us unpack all the boxes, who hold their career success over us so that they can hopefully cajole us into doing their secretary work.  Like the fact he didn’t even consider coming back with her again, even though she was in much more danger their then he would be.  All around, I found him unimpressive.

Alice was also interesting.  It was almost as if Dana felt more kinship with Rufus than with Alice, which makes sense given her circumstance -- that she was called to the past by Rufus’ potential deaths.  Still, sometimes I forget that Alice is Dana’s great-grandmother, because she doesn’t seem to connect with her as inimitably.  At the same time, Dana knows that she is doing Alice a disservice, knows that there are things worse than death, and still, plays a role in creating Alice’s hell to save Dana’s family’s own existence.  Perhaps that is why she cannot be as close to Alice, just like some of the people who work in the fields hate Sarah and Dana.  Perhaps it is a way to illustrate the contentious relationships between black people in that era created by the white people or more specifically, created by the white people’s power and privilege.  I read some on the internet about black unity and black community, and it seems like some of these trends still play out today.  I read on sishi.rose’s instagram today about how when she spoke out about racism in her workplace, black people where some of the most skeptical.  Even today, there is issues in the black community regarding proximity to whiteness on both sides (ie both “your too close to whiteness” and also “I want to be close to whiteness”).  I can’t really speak much more about that, but I haven’t read many narratives about the negative aspects of intra-slave relationships.  It was also interesting to hear about how they created justice within their enslaved communities.  Obviously, the want justice between themselves and the whites, but because that was unobtainable, it felt so... vindicating? empowering? surprising? in the plot when they got to do that in their own community.  A few of them beat up the woman who tattles on Dana when she runs away -- that woman, too, displays more morality in her pinky finger than Rufus has in his entire body when she refrains from telling on her attackers.  Is she scared of being attacked again or being ostracized for her actions? Or does she know that telling on them could lead to their deaths or their movement away from the plantation -- is morality innate or enforced by our surroundings?  Either way.  When that man gets sold and his family blames it on Dana, I think it is Alice who later sets them straight.

All in all, it is a riveting story, that makes a lot of points about race relations in America not only 200 years ago, but today.