#i made myself laugh with those hashtags

[transboykirito]

sao characters + social media → asuna’s instagram (probably)

[writtenbymisunderstoodnerds]

Don't doubt our love (Christen Press x Tobin Heath x Reader

This was requested by anon. Hope you enjoy it :)

Words: 1.5K

"Oh shit," I heard Christen mutter to Tobin as they stopped in the door way. The kitchen was a mess, there were bowls, whisks, flour and icing all over the place. It was well known that when I'm tired, upset or mad, I bake. The more I bake the worse I'm feeling. They stood there for a few seconds nudging each other until Christen stepped forward. I would have laughed if I wasn't so in my head, "What are you baking?"

"Cookies, lemon tarts and a lemon cake."

"Yum." 

Tobin stepped forward, taking in the half finished desserts, "Are you still coming tonight?"

I didn't look at them, fully focusing on the baking instead of the disappointment that was bound to be there, "I'm going to pass on tonight."

"What? Why?"

"I'm just not feeling well. You and Tobin go, have fun." 

"Do you want to talk about what's wrong?"

"Nothings wrong. I just don't feel like going out. I'm sorry."

Christen kissed my cheek softly, hand running along my back, "It's okay. I don't believe you, but we'll drop it until you're ready to talk about it. I love you."

"Love you too Chris, and you Tobes."

Once they had reluctantly left and the baking was finished, I found myself scrolling through the 'Preath' hashtag on Instagram. This had been a thing for years and I had tried to ignore it once we started dating. It had worked for a while, until pictures of Christen and Tobin on holiday started circulating. It wasn't that I wasn't with them or in the pictures, people were just obsessed with them being together, or their assumed relationship anyway. We liked keeping our private lives private so our relationship, and theirs weren't public knowledge. That had never stopped the rumors though. 

I admit it had been bothering me more than I would like it to. Seeing just the two of them together, seeing how they looked at each other and how happy they looked, it had me feeling insecure. There were no photos of the three of us that showed the same love as the ones of them. It shouldn't bother me seeing as plenty of those photos existed, they just weren't public. 

There were a few public photo's where I was looking at them with adoration while they were giving each other the same look. Though my look was being interpreted as adoration for their relationship. The more I scrolled the more insecure and jealous I felt. Eventually, I threw my phone onto the other couch, cuddled up under a blanket and attempted to watch Netflix, but my thoughts kept going back to the photos. 

"Baby we're home!" Tobin's voice rang out. I wanted to rush up to them, but my insecurity stopped me. Instead I stayed on the couch.

"How was it?"

"It was okay, we missed you though."

I scoffed, having seen the stories of them dancing and laughing from the party. Normally, them having fun without me wouldn't bother me, but I was deep in the hole of self doubt and that just made it worse, "Sure you did."

Christen sat on the arm of the couch, going to kiss my temple, but I dodged her, "We did miss you Y/n."

I stood up, putting space between us, feeling hurt and anger bubbling up. It was irrational, I was overreacting, that much I knew, but the self doubt and insecurity was clouding my judgement, I couldn't stop, "You don't have to lie."

Tobin stepped forward, going to take my hand, but I stepped out of her reach. A flash of hurt appeared before being replaced by confusion, "What? Y/n we-"

"Don't touch me. You obviously don't want me so you can stop pretending. You are clearly happier together."

"Y/n, that's not tru-"

"Whatever, enjoy being together," I cut her off, going to the spare room before they could say anything else. 

After blowing up at Christen and Tobin, I had cried myself to sleep. I felt horrible for blowing up at them, I didn't really mean it, but I had been so stuck in my head, I couldn't stop it. I had planned to sneak out of the house early to work out the feelings, but Christen and Tobin were sitting at the counter, three cups of coffee in front of them. I knew them well enough to know they hadn't gotten much sleep. The guilt hit me again as Tobin slid the cup closer to me. I avoided eye contact as I slowly sipped the coffee and waited for either of them to say something. 

"We found your phone, it was on the couch. We wanted to give you space so I put it on charge in our room."

"Thank you," I whispered. "I'm going to the gym."

Christen carefully placed her hand on mine, like she was waiting for me to pull away, "Please don't. We want to talk about last night."

"I'm sorry."

"It was an accident, but we saw what you were looking at last night. Does that have anything to do with what happened?"

I played with my fingers, nerves starting to grow. The one thing I was horrible at was talking about my feelings. They took a step back, giving me a bit of space as I gathered my thoughts. I knew I need to talk to them because despite what I said last night, I didn't actually want to be without them, "I-I got insecure."

"Why?"

"Seeing the love between you two in the photos and reading the comments. Everyone was saying that the looks I was giving you two were because I adored your relationship, not that I was in love with you. I guess I got jealous and insecure. I got it in my head that you two are happier without me. That you're better off without me. Everyone seems to like the two of you together. I spiraled and I'm sorry, I shouldn't have snapped at you."

"It would have been preferred that you talked to us, but I also know you hide your feelings so it probably wouldn't have happened for a while."

Tobin laced her fingers with mine, "Baby, how long have you been feeling like this?"

"I've been aware of it for a while, but I had pushed it away. Since our holiday, it came back up. Everyone was picking apart every aspect of the photos, including some of the team and it really started bothering me. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I-I-"

Christen cupped my cheeks, "Look at me." Reluctantly, I met her eyes, the eyes that have always brought comfort. The eyes that were so filled with love, "We love you Y/n, we love you so fucking much. Being away from you is horrible beyond belief. Take last night at the party for example, you were all we could think about, we spent the entire night trying to figure out an excuse to leave. All we wanted was to cuddle, watch movies and just be with you."

Tobin placed her hand on my back, turning my head so I was looking at her, "There is no one else we want to be with Y/n. We're not happier without you, we are miserable without you Y/n. We. Love. You Y/n."

"I love you too. I'm sorry."

Tobin kissed me softly, thumb stroking my cheek. A softness present that was saved just for Christen and I, "Just talk to us next time okay?  

"Hopefully there won't be a next time. I think I might just block the hashtag at least until people know about us."

"That might be a good idea, but if there is a next time, talk to us. We'll give you all the reassurance you need. Is that something you are thinking about? Us going public?"

I finally relaxed, sitting down next to Tobin and leaning against her, "Not necessarily, I like our private life private. Maybe we could tell the team though?"

Tobin nodded in agreement, "I wouldn't be opposed to that."

Christen kissed my cheek before resting her head on the back of my shoulder, "Neither would I, we can tell them at camp next week if you like. Is it too early for a nap? We didn't get much sleep last night."

"Neither did I and I could really use some cuddles."

Both my hands were held and I was practically dragged to the bedroom laughing uncontrollably. Before I could be pushed on the bed, I spoke up between fits of laughter, "Wait, wait. I can't sleep in these."

Tobin smirked, unzipping my jersey, "Then let's take them off."

I playfully smacked her hand away, "Stop being a horndog, we are not having sex right now."

"Spoil sport. I'm just being helpful."

After quickly stripping off my sweatpants and shirt, I slipped into bed, "Well, you can be helpful later. Now get in here."

Tobin slipped in behind me, arms wrapping around my waist while Christen tangled our legs together as I pulled her into me. Soft kisses landed on my back, shoulders, neck, cheek and lips. My heart felt like it skipped a beat at the softness, the love I felt from them as they peppered my skin with kisses. There was no motive behind it, it was just pure love. I felt my eyes prickle with tears, my fingers laced with Tobin's that rest on my hip and pulled Christen closer. I had never felt so loved as I did in this moment, cuddled between my girls. 

[queerly-autistic]

My dad just messaged me going "seeing all this 'Save OFMD' stuff made me realise some things never change" and attached a load of pictures he'd dug up from fifteen years ago of me in my 'Save Ianto Jones' fan campaign era.

As much as it made me laugh, it also made me think about something that I've not talked about before: the fact that this is what introduced me to campaigning.

I was a very lost queer (undiagnosed autistic) kid, bullied and lonely and keenly aware that there were a lot of bad things happening in the world, but I had no idea how to begin to even try to change things, or even any awareness that there was anything I could do to change anything.

And then my favourite show killed off my favourite character, and I suddenly accidentally found myself swept up in the mobilisation (without even realising that that was what was happening) of the fan community around me. It's where I learned about the idea of campaigning as, y'know, a thing that I could do. It introduced me to the concept that I could actively try and do things to make a change I wanted to see in the world.

And now that's my actual literal real world adult job. This is what I do in my 9-to-5. Some of the skills I learned and developed at seventeen (and the lessons from the fuck-ups - oh boy there were many of those because I was seventeen) trying to get the BBC to un-dead my favourite bisexual welshman are skills that I now use every day to actually create change (such as writing persuasive emails to influence a specific target).

And I've also used them outside of the 9-5 in the smaller grassroots campaigns I've been involved with. For example, the skills I learned from a fan campaign when I was a teenager helped me play a small part in stopping the deportation of young autistic man, and potentially saved his life.

There's a HUGE amount of crossover/symbiosis between fan campaigns and 'real world' campaigning. A huge number of people involved in these fan campaigns are already involved in organising (or at the very least supporting/donating) for 'real world' issues. And, if they're not, then a fan campaign may well be their introduction to campaigning - a 'wow ok so I can actually do this' moment that inspires them to start pushing for change on other issues too.

It's fantastic if someone goes 'hey, I managed to call Netflix about picking up Our Flag Means Death, which has made me realise maybe I can also cope with picking up the phone to call my political representatives about [insert other issue here]' - and if the strategies they put in place to help them do the Netflix phone call also help them do the political phone calls as well, then that's absolutely brilliant.

The same with getting experience/confidence writing emails, or learning how to create and push a hashtag on social media, or realising the power of taking mass actions (like signing a petition). It even goes so far as inspiring people to follow up a fan campaign donation with an additional donation to a good cause, and helping direct them to some good charities/initiatives to donate to (because sometimes knowing which are the right ones to send your money too is very hard). These are all skills and experiences that can help build both confidence and understanding of how to get involved with campaigning for change, and these are absolutely transferrable to an infinite number of causes.

It's about people feeling empowered to take action: feeling like they can do it, that it's tangible to them as something they can do, and giving them the tools to do it. The endgame in real world advocacy and campaigning is getting stuff done: petitions signed, phone calls made, emails sent, donations collected, rallies attended.

And no one (outside of the internet moral purity police) cares if your journey getting there started with a fan campaign.

[arokel]

10 questions for 10 writers

thank you so much for the tag @strangethings-everywhere ! secretly I've always wanted to do one of these

1. Is writing a hobby or a way of life?

Way of life for sure; I'm basically never not thinking about it. I start to feel awful and purposeless if I go too long without writing at least something.

2. A journal full of notes or a clean completed manuscript?

Clean completed manuscript, unfortunately. I wish I could be less persnickety about my first drafts but so far that hasn't happened. I do sometimes make extensive outlines though and those are always by hand, but they're usually pretty clean too :/ no scribbly scribbly for me

3. Who or what inspired your writing?

I've been writing since I was five years old and telling stories since I could talk, so I guess I'll say that when I was first reading chapter books I asked my parents why books always have a few blank pages at the end and they said it was so you had space to continue the story yourself if you wanted. They made it up on the spot and they don't remember saying it at all, but it's always stuck with me.

4. Which is worse: Someone you ‘idolize’ reading your first draft or listening to you sing?

Listening to me sing, 100%. I post my barely-edited first drafts on ao3 all the time lmao. But I also feel like with a first draft it's easy to say hey this is a first draft, if there's stuff you don't like I'm happy to hear criticism! Whereas with singing, that's just your voice. You can practice the song but at some point whether they like it or not just comes down to something about you that you can't change. (Although I am a hashtag classically trained singer so my feelings of needing to live up to that might not be universal.) (Don't ask me to sing opera for you because I don't actually like opera.)

5. Has writing from someone else’s POV changed your perspective?

I think most of the perspective changes that have come out of stories have been from reading for me? Like the first time I was really exposed to the idea of transness was a Harry Potter fic (suck on that, JKR) and that obviously really stuck with me. But I think the desire to write from queer povs really helped me come to terms with my own sexuality, maybe more than actually doing it. I guess writing narrative essays, which I do less frequently than straight up fiction, is usually a way for me to explore things I feel about myself and about the world.

6. Tumblr, AO3, LiveJournal, or FFN?

AO3 foreverrrrrrr. I was on ffn in my misspent youth and Very briefly on lj, but ao3 has been my home since 2014 and it would take a lot to get me to move.

7. AO3 word count? And are you satisfied with it?

646,046, and soon enough it'll jump another 100,000. Honestly not sure how I feel about that.

8. What movie/book gripped you irrevocably?

I will never not love Tamora Pierce's Tortall series. I know they're kind of dated and don't hold up in some places, but they've been in my bloodstream so long that they're basically a part of my understanding of the world. They shaped so much of my ideas on literature - how to create compelling characters and relationships, what makes a world believable, what fantasy even is - and honestly I think they're responsible for about 50% of my sense of humor and at least a quarter of my relationship to gender. They were my first fandom and in the end I'll always come back to them.

9. What’s the highest compliment you could ever be given, and have you been given it?

One of my plays deals with a very difficult emotional subject and is quite frankly pretty depressing the whole way through, and after the premiere a friend of mine came up to me and said "it was so so funny; I was laughing the entire time." That's what I always want my writing to do, not so much in fic but out in the world - I want to give people catharsis, and I hope they leave the reading or viewing experience feeling a little better than they did going in. And also I want people to laugh at my jokes.

10. What defines your writing style?

Can I say inconsistency? No but really it's definitely dialogue. I struggle with descriptive prose sometimes, but I never have to work at dialogue. I think it's my strongest area and people always tell me it's snappy (thank you Tamora Pierce). Other than that uhh... too many commas probably.

tagging @violasmirabiles @fregata-magnificens @kjxlll @borealopelta @uwu-dowoon @teaforarteza @icegreyrose @shadowquill17 @ris-d-deridex and using my 10th tag for anyone else who wants to participate!

[leveloneandup]

L.A. Hometown Hero Christen Press Regains Control

After an elective year away from soccer, L.A.-native Christen Press came back in 2022, only to suffer an ACL injury weeks into the season. Now, she’s locked in on recovery and her althleisure brand, re—inc.

[A]s Press and her peers established the United States women’s national team as the preeminent dynasty in world soccer, they simultaneously lobbied U.S. Soccer to pay them the same money as their male peers and to support the USWNT with better playing conditions—the women were playing on astroturf, which is riskier for injuries, and had their travel accommodations were lacking.

Amid all of this, Press made a decision in late 2021 to step away from soccer for both club and country. She explained on Instagram that the “focus, intensity, and prioritization” required to play elite soccer, “left little room for much else. I’ve made the difficult decision to take a couple of months away from the game to focus on my mental health, spiritual growth, and processing grief.”

Press traveled, rested, and focused on re—inc, a lifestyle and athleisure clothing brand she co-founded in 2019 with her USWNT teammates Megan Rapinoe, Tobin Heath, and Meghan Klingenberg. It seemed her career was looking the way she wanted. The USWNT won a landmark equal-pay deal with U.S. Soccer and she had returned to her home in Los Angeles to be the marquee player for the newly-founded Angel City FC, a women-led expansion franchise in the National Women’s Soccer League.

And then, just eight games into the NWSL season, Press tore her anterior cruciate ligament while playing against Racing Louisville, one of her former clubs. Once again, it seemed to Press that she had lost control.. Now, however, she says she’s determined to have a long third arc in her soccer career—and that starts with embracing recovery, above all else.

“When I go to PT, I’m never on music duty,” Press says, laughing as she pictures her physical therapy sessions. “I surrounded myself with the absolute best—the best surgeons, the best team of people—and that allows me to be really present in my rehabilitation, and really focused on what I can achieve in that moment.” So focused, it seems, that the responsibility of managing a Spotify playlist is too much.

But one can understand her tunnel vision as she looks for a quick and healthy recovery. Like many of the obstacles Press has faced, ACL tears are pretty common for athletes—and happen to women at a 4-6 times higher than men (her USWNT teammate and re—inc co-founder Megan Rapinoe has endured three tears). While a return to pre-injury form is both a priority for her, there’s no guarantee it will happen for anyone, including Press.

To support herself in this process, she’s fallen back on two pillars of her life: Her fans — especially those from Los Angeles — and her teammates at re—inc.

Re-inc is based in New York, so Press is “full-on work from home” from Los Angeles, where she relies on a “beautiful desktop that I love so much, named Roberta, and a standing desk in a second room a little bit separate from the area where I live the rest of the day.” Black heart and TY!! (thank you) emojis rule the re—inc Slack channels, which allow Press to stay connected with her team.

With that said, even with re—inc and recovery taking up much of Press’ week — rumor has it she’s working 60 hours weekly—there is ample time for a recovering athlete to get down in the dumps, and that’s where the fans are crucial.

“In previous hard moments in my career, a fan started a hashtag, #dogsforChristen,” she recalls, referring to her call on Twitter for fans to share pictures of their dogs while she recovered from her ACL injury. “I thought it was actually a nice way to kind of invite people into my recovery process and my healing process. Especially now that I’m back in Los Angeles, playing in my hometown, I feel very connected to the community of supporters that I have.”

Even away from the pitch, Press is as in control as she’s ever been and armed with an arsenal that includes dog pictures, lifelong teammates, and a philosophy that she alone will decide how things go—for her health and her career.

“When you think everything’s gonna go one way, it never does. And it’s a part of the journey that I accept, and appreciate,” Press explains. “Because you think you��re gonna push yourself to the brink, and you think you’re really coming back from that, and you get pushed further. And that’s how you expand. And that’s how you grow.”

[pseudowho]

Hi Haitch, can I ask a few questions about how tumblr works and what writers generally might prefer in terms of interaction? I’m asking a few of my favorite writers for their thoughts and advice.

I returned to tumblr sometime last year after an almost decade long hiatus, so there are a lot of things I am still learning about, in regards to how to engage and interact within the fandom communities I’m in and tumblr in general.

Posts about writing, writers, fandom, and interaction come across my feed here and there, and I read them to educate myself and learn how I can do my part in keeping the fandom alive and thriving. It just gets confusing a bit sometimes.

What I’ve been doing lately is replying to the original post with my thoughts, then just reblogging without adding any additional comments to the reblog, and I usually don’t add hashtags. Or sometimes I will just reblog a post with my thoughts on the reblog, but again, no hashtags.

Let’s say I come across a post that I would like to comment on and reblog. So I have several options: I can reply to the post, and/or reblog it with a message of my own, and/or reblog it with comments in the hashtags (#jjk #omg this is the shit #im in love #nanami smut)?

What do writers tend to prefer for interaction? I know everyone has their own preferences, but it seems reblogs are preferred, likes are nice but actually not that useful, and reblogs with comments specifically in the hashtags might be ideal? Writers, like you, put in so much time and care and effort in their work, and it’s the least I can do to try to learn how to show my appreciation for it, in a way that benefits and encourages them.

This was longer than I thought, and any advice is very much appreciated. Thank you!

Honestly, I'm always happy to give my ideas on something like this.

I think overall, a like, a comment about what you love about the writing, plus a reblog is GOLD STANDARD, because: 1. We receive actual feedback, which is so amazingly heartwarming to read about something we've poured our heart into, 2. Every reblog gets our stuff read and noticed by more people and increases our chances of getting more followers, and 3. The comments let us know who wants to interact with us! I've made some incredible friends on Tumblr, a lot of them through commenting on works that we've each written.

r.e. the tags, I always put 1. Unhinged, funny comments on the piece I've read, because the unhinged tags always make me laugh, and 2. EXACTLY THE TAGS THE AUTHOR HAS PUT, because they have put those exact tags to perfect and streamline the audience their fic shows up for, and I, as a reblogger, would like to support them to do this.

I hope this helps. It's so great to see someone thinking proactively about increasing interaction with the work of artists. It can sometimes feel pretty thankless, writing for Tumblr audiences!

WELCOME BACK TO TUMBLR! MWAH 💋😘

-- Haitch xxx

[incarnateirony]

countdown to super secret m&g info via 2po confirming that those new songs are definitely about sam/sam and dean in some way!

bro i literally almost fell out of my chair reading this. Not even like "fell out laughing", like I had clicked it open on my big monitor and only side glanced and spun/pushed so hard realizing this is a 100% likely inevitable stunt of theirs I had to catch myself to not fall out onto the floor.

So. Thanks.

Now that I've regained solid footing. Wheeze. Listen he's still trying to figure out how to spin shit from DC he's put out crickets on, much less this con, much less anything about the new album or things not even ON the album. Or their topic matters. Which kinda. Sounds like Jensen went "Alexa, collect all the tumblr hashtags on ghost of bobby dot tumblr dot com" and made it a few songs. I'm deceased.

I make my tags from knowing where the shit is going. Keywords, etc, that's all the triggers. Themes. So it comes FROM knowing Jensen's headspace but I didn't expect him to fucking broadcast a Destiel Concept Album, jesus fuck, I feel like I need to jump out a window.

[mrsmarymorstan]

Do you mind if I ask your top 10 favorite characters (can be male or female) from all of the media that you loved (can be anime/manga, books, movies or tv series)? And why do you love them? Sorry if you've answered this question before.....Thanks....

Oh god, from ANY MEDIA EVER?! That's a lot! 28+ years worth of #Content to remember... I'm just gonna be totally random about it I think and this is not an actual ranking!!! Just who first springs to mind. I'll also try not to double up on franchises.

1) Misty (Pokémon) - She was The Girl One and also Not Like Other Girls! I was five, okay?

2) Kyo Sohma (Fruits Basket) The boy who set me down the path of Monster Hugging and Furrydom. If you want details my entire blog exists lol

3) Sir Gwaine (BBC Merlin) Baby's first Dose of Heteronomativity! Plus he helped introduce me to amazing crack ships and made me laugh and broke my heart!

4) Jadzia Dax (Star Trek DS9) - She's just SO COOL! She's semi-immortal, is both an expert on gender and doesn't believe in it, is canonically queer, snarky AF, knows all about Klignons, is very pretty, and does THE SCIENCE!!! Plus she marries Worf and I mean goals.

5) Grog Strongjaw (Critical Role) - He is the definition of Positive Masculinity. An Aromantic King. My precious Baby Boy who could rip me in half if he wanted to but wouldn't. The man who makes me laugh and makes me cry. I miss him so much, I just want more Grog in my life when will he return from the war Matthew???

6) Uncle Newt (John Finnemore's Souvenir Program S9) - A Canonical Asexual Icon, breaking and healing my heart all at once, hell yes to historical queers and elder queers helping to raise baby queers and the found family trope and LOOK JUST LISTEN TO SERIES 9 OKAY?! (They don't use the WORD Asexual but that's because Newt wouldn't KNOW that word but everything about him and his character descriptions and his arc SCREAMS Asexual)

7) Kanade Miyako (Twinkle Stars) - Takaya-sensei made a character so relateable to me I just sat there and cried the whole time. The Academic burn out? The pressure to conform to expectations? Not knowing what to do with your life? Seeing the way she had the narrative treat him as a guide to myself to just take care and take things one step at a time? That it doesn't matter what others say, taking baby steps to heal yourself important and you shouldn't dismiss that. URGH. TAKAYA-SENSEI!!! WHY YOU DO THIS TO ME?!

8) Stephanie Brown (DC Comics) - Purple Clad Icon who tries her hardest and doesn't always succeed but DAMN IT if she isn't gonna crawl back on her feet again no matter what!!! Every single shitty thing a male writer can do to a female character has been done to her, and she's STILL STANDING!!! I will defend her to my last breath.

9) Mary Morstan (Sherlock Holmes) Very few adaptions ever do my girl justice and it's SO FRUSTRATING!!! But god I love her. I love how she's so strong not in a badass Hashtag No Fear way but in the way she is terrified and scared and still goes forward anyway! She's also snarky and loves to tease her husband (and his boyfriend) and I just wish more adaptations understood her! I think the best version of her I've seen is the Ritchie Verse version? More like that please!

10) Gilbert (Being Human) He was in it for one episode and is an absolute Icon. All those years and the only thing he had to do to find his door was to fall in love unironically? He just had to be honest with himself and his feelings. Also this:

(I debated putting the Sarcastic Vicar here but decided upon Gilbert in the end 💜)

[thrashmaiden]

Evilutione5150

@evilutione5150   

Writing this here seems like a better idea then hammering it out in my physical journal since this is where our friendship began.

Preparing to age myself heavily as I pour my thoughts out into the tumblr void. Thinking about how online culture helped shape me, helped me find friends and connect with the various fringe subcultures littered around the country. What started as a way to pass time in a telco job with unlimited access to the net and a barely basic understanding I started this Tumblr roughly 12 years ago and Acky aka @evilutione5150 was one of my first friends. 

He joked with me about music, art, 80s t.v or movies and never missed a pun or 10 deep simpsons quote. He was kind and abrupt and not once did he slide into my DMS looking for an ass pic. 

For a girl on tumblr into heavy metal facing the brunt of aggression from men for ‘doing it for attention’ combined with the misstep of using the hashtag #metalchick to try and find other girls into metal and finding only hate, he was a breath of fresh air. No hate, no pick up lines or sleeze. We just chatted like we were stood next to each other at a show. 

The first time he posted about one of my fave local and best mates band I instantly reblogged it, excited, they were going to absolutely kill it and they were making people happy and here was the proof, in Ackys words, they did it! He enthusiastically chatted with me about them and would tell me about their shows from across the country. 

He was not shy with coming forward about what he did and did not like but more then anything he was inclusive and passionate. Seems like everyone is striving to be exclusive these days, which is wonderful, but he didnt need to learn that, or be shown, he didnt need to be shamed or bullied into it, it was just a small part of the foundation of Acky. 

His passion saw him front of the gig, supporting the scene with promos, podcasts, designing shirts and sharing information on pretty much every platform, and for free. 

He did so much, just this one guy and now he is just gone?

His shirt designs are still in my top 3 rotations and I have taken my ‘ big sunglasses, very important’  shirt on every trip I have been on and it has been the best conversational piece. His humor translated well through his art and shirt designs. The dry blunt Aussie humor mixed with heavy metal references have lead to me meeting so many new people and each time I would let him know....dude....people LOVE your shirts! 

so whats a t shirt? whats the big deal and how does this make him inclusive?

Ackys humor made me feel seen and made me feel like I had somewhere when for most of my life I have been a nomad. He created a way for people to talk to me, to point at my shirt, laugh and strike a convo and some of those interactions have turned into life long friendships. 

I'm sure now there are plenty of fifth element or robocop album cover mash ups but at the time he was doing something really cool for so many people involved in fandoms that spanned so far. I chat to so many people about wrestling, or troma films or sci-fi and retro gaming because of Acky. His humour just translated well enough and was not at the expense of others (unless you were a politician) nor was it just a cash grab because pizza+ninja turtles+slayer=profit. He just threw his passions and artistry together and ran with whatever came out which in turn created a wicked community around him. 

We initially bonded over BLS, we had the same necklace charm with the logo on a dinky ball chain straight from the 2010s and would discuss at length what shows we would go to, albums we liked, new projects Zakk worked on and he would share his own musical talent which he had a lot of. He spoke kindly of his son and quite frequently would sacrifice his time or skip shows he had been talking about and dreaming about to spend time with him and not once did he complain about the trade off. 

I truly think that over the years he has been my biggest supporter in whatever I do. My strongest confident and kindest advocate. We shared our rough times and he would recommend songs or thow me a meme to let me know he understood. 

Now as his name slips down my message inbox, and as I post, his notification isn't the first to pop up anymore I feel a new kind of lonely. 

Its a kind of lonely I haven't felt since we met from a feeling that goes deeper then a romance or a family bond. He made a community and he let me in.

I hope I made him feel less lonely and I hope I could be there for him the way he was for me. I hope he knew he was loved and that his art and the community he built will live on in some way. I hope his spot at shows is filled and someone else is there to reach out to let others know they have somewhere to belong, if not in person then just online.

He went through a lifetime of pain and discomfort so the idea he is relaxing with his guitar, or cracking his fingers to write out another review or chuckling to himself as he edits his face into another metallica meme is a nice one. 

But most of all I hope he found some happiness or comfort in the really wonderful way he impacted those that had the pleasure to know him.

As time unravels and my tears settle, I will have more to say and share but for now Im posting this knowing he wont ever see it, when after so many years on here, he was one of the only people I kept this blog alive for, for so long. 

[ihatedean]

28 to 38.

I'm sorry.

28: A description of the person I dislike the most: i don't have beef with anyone irl these days honestly. ill say: stole my best friend's idea and gets bitchy when confronted about her shitty behavior. probably has no friends but pretends she does. she's stupid and probably chose a degree with closed eyes.

29: A reason I’ve lied to a friend: mostly to look cooler, in high school. boasted about sex i didn't have and drugs i never tried. but now... i don't know, does keeping something mean to myself counts as lying? like sometimes i know they're going thru it and i shut my mouth to not make it worse. it slips out a lot anyways. i can be very bitchy and idk how they can stand me when i get like that.

30: What I hate the most about work/school: im my own boss (lmao) so i hate the inconsistency. i don't push a schedule on myself so the income comes in-between looooong periods of time. i hate taking pictures of myself, which is ironic. putting hashtags on stuff.

31: What my last text message says: "buah"

32: What words upset me the most: i don't get this one tbh. none, i guess?

33: What words make me feel the best about myself: again i don't think i understand. in a compliment?? i like it when people say im funny. it's a whole complex.

34: What I find attractive in women: fun hair. FRIED hair. im not a fan of the "clean girl" look. think mars argo on her blonde era with those dark dark roots and crispy ends– that. it's very specific but i love it. i love curls. braids. im a hair girl. not a lot else regarding physical traits lol i think bunny teeth are cute. overbites. tooth gaps. cassie from skins. ayo edebiri.

35: What I find attractive in men: arms. beards. my boyfriend has a resting bitch face. i like the asshole vibe. he has a scar on his eyebrow that makes him look like such a tough guy even though he's a cutie patootie and he always lies about how he got it.

in everyone, if i can make them laugh a lot they're immediately attractive to me. i like irony and flirtiness. freckles. people that hype themselves up at a party to get everyone looking only to make a complete ass of themselves. gosh. sorry. i like a lot of stuff in a lot of different people.

36: Where I would like to live: the south here probably. tierra del fuego. chubut. somewhere more chilly/with less people. i hate the heat here.

37: One of my insecurities: my cheeks/double chin. wearing glasses in public omg. also there was one anon that said "wow you're smart" or something like that when i made a relatively serious post and it kind of stuck 💀 so now i keep most of my ""serious"" thoughts to myself and try to keep it lighthearted/funny. im pretty insecure of how little i know about stuff. im really bad with geography and history.

38: My childhood career choice: teacher! always. at some point i might have wanted to be a singer or something like that but it was pretty short-lived. it was always teaching. i think i was lucky with the teachers i got that so many of them inspired that in me. sucks that i never actually pursued it but rip. it's the thought that counts lol

send me nosy anons!

[vangoghingdavinci]

8.5.23

11:00 AM

Dear Leo,

i miss you ...

i miss you again

maybe because i saw your story... but tomorrow, i'll be better...

leo, when i blocked you, it was because i needed to distance myself from you because you were so reachable... i blocked you because i needed to survive.

i died when you left leo...

and i had no self control, even right after you left, i still found myself in your account... and i remember crying so hard missing you so much... that was why i messaged you... remember you replied "i'm sorry"... i was expecting more... honestly, i was expecting you to tell me that you felt the same--that it's hard not having me in your life...

you didn't, "i'm sorry" was the most honest response you gave...

leo, why did you leave?

was it really because of F?

was it really because of V?

you said you want to give a stability to S, i respect that, and i truly admire that...

leo

it still hurts ...

and i still cry now, as i remember the last message you wrote at the loveshack

why did you not acknowldge that you received my emails, you said you're just an email away... i know my emails were not nice... but i needed your response...

i needed you so much those times...

and yes, i miss you

i miss our jokes, i miss laughing with you,

i miss your smile, i do remember your smile leo... that's why i stalk your stories to see if you have a selfie... i miss your smile, you look so lovely, so gentle when you smile

when you came into my life, i haven't laughed so hard for a long time... but you made me laugh... laugh to tears... i miss that

i miss telling you how much i love you... i miss reading poetry for you, i miss talking to you before i sleep... i miss talking to you at 7 AMs... i miss all of you --your golf,.music, and poetry ... you, eating sweets at night...

and i miss dreaming with you--tiny house, our dog... looking at the sky...

i told you how much i wish i can be so far from people and just be with you... and i can just yell "i love you leo"... because i just want the world to know how much i love you

i always dream of that,

so that's why when i saw your beautiful skies of stars, i was so hurt, because you didn't even tell me you were going to see the stars... leo, even if you broke our "relationship"... even if we were not how we were anymore, i wish you told me that you were going to see the stars...

if i meant anything to you leo, even as just a friend... you would have told me that you were going to see the stars

then i saw a photo which you hashtagged furdich---that's when i realized of course you wouldn't tell me, because it's for larisa...

leo,

when i saw that, that hashtag- furdich

i'm glad i was alone at home...

i cried so hard... i couldn't even stand...

and now, i remember the pain again...

i was so hurt leo

i was so hurt

i am still hurt, that hurt more than the time you ended us..

and seeing you happy on your story is enough to tell me you have forgotten me and here i am tumblring you...

how i missed LEOing...

how i miss loving you...

how i miss you

but i know can never be with you

...

i remember the beautiful moon a few days ago, and i was about to take a photo of it, then i stopped myself, because all i can think of was how i wish you'd see the beautiful moon too...

...

leo, i know i was/am terrible, but i truly wish you happiness

although in moments of anger i'd say, how i wish you would feel this pain that i feel--- but honestly... i only wish you happiness because you deserve to be happy

you work hard, you love hard, you deserve to be happy

and i'm truly sorry, i was not making you happy then...

i was too much

i am too much, i know

and maybe, you find me a bit crazy--i'm not crazy. i am just sad, lonely, and this sadness has been going on for months since you left... so maybe i am depressed, but i'm not crazy, i'm not unstable... i'm just sad

and i did have very high anxiety moments... one of which was that night my chest hurt so much and i was just crying so hard... and all i thought of was you and your family... that was why i messaged you... and i am deeply sorry i accidentally pressed call... i even left my phone at the comfort room... and i looked for it when i heard footsteps ... that's when i saw a call, and i even thought you called--- i realized it was i who made the call... that's why you blocked me... leo i am so sorry i reached out to you so many times, i am so sorry i wasn't able to control myself

i am deeply sorry i sent you the video of sir tony, i was synthesizing all talks that day, and sir tony's talk just reminded me of you...

i missed you that day

i still miss you now

and the loveshack, i am sorry i "burned" the loveshack... if there's something that i did that i know you will never forgive me of, it's the loveshack

i saw you followed a Crystal, then you hide it... and although i know, whoever is in your life right now, i have no say of it... but i was hurt... and i am still hurt

that time, i was filled with anger and jealousy... i was still following Pi, and i was still part of Lofi Pi and the other playlist...

i remember i "cannot" listen to Pi... Pi made me cry... a lot of things that time made me cry... until now yes... a lot of teeny tiny things make me cry...

so seeing Crystal just made me feel so jealous... it was like a full-blown jealousy...

i understand, truly that we have no "relationship", so you can follow whoever you want

but leo,

i am terribly sorry

i was so angry and so jealous with the Crystal

that i even removed my crystals and i did not wear them for some time...

i was so angry

i was jealous to the highest level, the ultimate level ever

i was so hurt

and i know the anger, jealousy, and pain are all misplaced--- you already broke our relationship, so why should i feel all these feelings?

i have no right to feel i know that, but i feel it...

... on one side you are marked "safe", you are not guilty, you have moved on with your life and i am not part of it anymore, so you can have Crystal and larisa and all other women you want right?

on my side, i was the problem,

it was my problem alone to feel all those--anger, jealousy, pain

that was my problem

it was/is my problem that i was not able to move on

it was my problem that i was so affected that you followed Crystal

leo... writing this now makes me cry again,

because that time leo, i was still so inlove with you

when you told me we end our "relationship" because of V, of F of S... I knew there was a space i do not belong to, and although it hurt me so deeply, i also i admired you for walking away... i admired you for choosing V again and your family, that is what the heavens want leo...

all along i thought that was the reason...

so when i saw a Crystal on spotify... all those words of comfort i kept telling myself just shattered

i realized you walked away because you simply fell out of love... and someone else is making you happy... someone else is giving meaning to the songs you listen to...

at a point when i could not bring myself to listen to the songs we share in Pi, you already have a Crystal...

and that was why i kept finding myself all alone at the loveshack... i wasn't over you, i loved you so much, i was so attached at you, it was so difficult to let you go...

leo,

if you knew exactly how i deeply feel for you, if you could only fathom how much i love/loved you.. you would understand why i "burned" the loveshack...

i know loneliness had lead me to hell thrice...

but jealousy... it lead me beyond the depths of hell

i am deeply sorry leo

i am deeply sorry i "burned" the loveshack... it can be "unburned", that is if you still have the key... but what for, right?

i am so sorry leo, i hope in time, you will forgive me...

if only i could unlove you so easily, if only i can undo my jealousy i would... i would even exchange 5-10-20 yrs of my life if someone tells me unloving and/or undoing jealousy is/are worth those years of my life...

i am so sorry... really leo... i am so sorry it's taking so long for me to go through this...

and leo, if i hurt you when i told you i'd start praying again, and i'll start writing... i was telling you what might become of me in the next weeks... but i did not mean to say that i will let you go... maybe i hurt you when i said those words... i am deeply sorry...

see? i am praying so hard now... rosary, novena, cutting of negative soul ties... but i still cry when i remember you, i loved/love you so deeply... that even if we choose to do what is right, that even if i choose to do what is right, my heart is already marked with my love for you... and only the heavens can unmark that... and when the heavens do that i will be free from pain and you will have your peace from me...

maybe it worked for you, i'm praying for us both that's why

maybe it will take a little bit more time for me, because of how i deeply feel for you...

but i promise leo, as soon as the heavens clear all my pain... i'll never reach for you again...

i remember telling you i love you more... and i really do, i loved you more than you loved me... i loved you more than i have ever loved anyone before (i mean this love, this falling in love kind of love, not the "decision" kind of love, but the falling in love kind of love, this deep...it was/is you)

also, new pain comes as i "discover" somethings along the way-- like march 14, was our end... but i went downhill again when i saw a Crystal, i went back to step 1... then i saw furdich--the beautiful starry sky for larisa... so i went back to step zero again... even your cat stories--i know they were for larisa... then yesterday, your birthday greetings to larisa on your story... i cried again...

you know what i find strange? i unistalled spotify and ig... so seeing crystal then your bday message to larisa are like works of the angels... making me see what i shouldn't... i mean i'm not on spotify 24/7 or on ig 24/7... so when i install... and see that before it's gone tells me that there's a certain synchronicity in our world...

these little bits and pieces of discovery brings so much pain inside me leo,

but i am not blaming you...

you are living your life the best way you can

this is just me--overthinking, guessing, trying to figure out why you really left...

you said i can email you and that i have a friend in you...

i know, i lost you even as a friend, and that is something i truly regret... leo, i am so sorry, i do not even know how to be your friend... i'm sorry if my messages/emails traumatize you... if my "unsilence" frustrates you...

and if you ever did read some posts i had on IG, those were written at the height of my pains... those times when memories just run in my mind and i hated every bit of them because they make me cry... for months, i would forcefully close my eyes to sleep... but the memories just kept coming back... so i would sleep in tears... wake up in tears... and i sat in school at my desk, all alone in the mornings... the memories just come back again and no matter how hard i tried, the tears just fall... the memories were killing me leo... and so i wrote in IG at those times when all i wanted was to forget, to forget that you ever came into my life, to forget that i loved you, to forget the laughter and the happiness... i read them again this morning after i saw you in your story... i archived them all now... i am so sorry leo that i wanted to forget you...

our memories from the last week of october to the first week of january were so beautiful... and it hurt me so much...

those memories gave me hope that maybe you loved me still when you left... and that you would one day ask how i was... but leo, hope and faith can be destructive to someone whose heart is broken...

and so i hated those memories, i got so angry when they come to me... and they happen to just to reveal themselves anywhere, even when i buy groceries--i cry... so yes, it was terrible.

there were times that i was scared at the memories-- i was scared of going to sleep, knowing that i'd wake up and i have to face the day, warding off the memories over and over again...

but i hope, you never read any of those that i wrote in IG...

i am not fighting the memories now, i let them come, i just cry, then i just go on with my day... sometimes i can function so well, other times, i had to take a leave to cry...

but i am better now, better than last month... but i still have a long way to go...

the last time i did the major literal burning of incenses (i bought 6 kilos apart from the sticks), as i prayed for thr removal of our negative soul ties, i was so at peace the next day... but then i cannot deny that the day after, i felt like memories of you/us were still so fresh... so yes, i still have a long way to go... but i trust the heavens

i am writing to apologize and at the same time to explain the crazy stupid things i did... i am truly sorry leo, i am sorry for whatever i did that have hurt you, i am truly sorry if i said anything that hurt you...

i am sorry i blocked you, unblocked you, stalked you,

i am sorry i was jealous of crystal and larisa (i also feel sorry for myself for feeling that way because i know i shouldn't because we have no "relationship" now, but jealousy is a feeling that i cannot control, no matter what i do, even just seeing your birthday message to larisa brought me to tears)

i am sorry i kept writing in IG about forgetting you, forgetting us

i am deeply sorry for expressing regret

i am sorry for the emails i sent (and if i send this ... may God forbid --then i'm sorry again...)

i am sorry for messaging you...

i am sorry that i accidentally pressed call, i did not mean to do it.

i am deeply sorry i burned the loveshack

leo, i have always known we were going to end, that was why i kept asking what would happen when the "honeymoon stage" is over... i thought i have matured and i have more self-control, i thought i can overcome the pain in a few days or weeks... but i was wrong... i spiralled down gazillion of times

and the pain leo, it's not just the pain inside the heart, it's a physical pain, the pain in the chest, and the physical exhaustion after the tears... it's not normal --like OMG! this is not normal... the pain is familiar, but the intensity, is beyond what i ever felt...

and i'm glad i have my unwritten paper to "blame..."

and yes, i am deeply sorry for all those things i did that must have hurt you, and yes, it must seem i'm trying to make excuses now because of the pain i'm going through... but i'm not making excuses, what i'm trying to point at is that, i'm really at fault in hurting you, because i was/am not able to handle my pains

i am sorry leo

i lost myself along the way,

i became the person i shouldn't be

i was not able to accept and respond to our end with grace, compassion, and understanding

as much as i wanted to change how i reacted and felt, i couldn't change what i said and did

i feel embarrassed opening up about my jealousy, there is no one to blame but myself

and leo, as much as it pains me that you blocked me in IG, i think it helped that i don't see your stories and posts, i will do my best not to stalk you again...

leo, i want to know some things... when you left in March 14, did you leave because of your family? or did you leave because of larisa? and is larisa and crystal the same?

and leo, i started to feel the changes in you in january... i am sorry, that you had to stay until march... even if i'm not making you happy anymore, i'm truly sorry leo...

and leo,

i might be in pain

but i do not expect anything not even friendship, i only seek your forgiveness

i am deeply sorry for your V... i hope the heavens forgive me...

i am sorry for taking so much of your time... the time that you would have spent with your family, for S and I... for taking the attention that you should have given to your V...

and i am doing my best that i can be for my B, he has been the kindest person in the world for the past months... he thought i had just my sad episodes because of my paper... he has been very gentle to me and i owe it to him that i can still function and do my responsibilities... he showed me love when i couldn't... and he shows me love when i still can't... he deserve love and respect

love is never a decision leo, that i know now... you just don't decide to love someone, you fall in love... i learned that lesson the hard way

and i am begging the heavens for that--- to fall in love again... it might be very late for us with B... but it is possible... if not, then i have to navigate this kind of love--decision kind of love to keep our family together...

my kids especially S have been so loving and caring to me the past months... for the many nights right after March 14, S slept beside me, hugging me and saying "i love you mama" over and over... i am amazed at her sensitivity... i do not want them to go through those times again, i cannot show my pains anymore, i can keep these all to myself now... and besides, i feel better now, way better than last month...

yes leo, i am not asking for anything except your forgiveness

i know, it might be easier for you if i just keep my silence and not say all of these...

but leo, i need to express what's inside me... also what we had leo was/is so special to me, that i don't feel it is right that the end is the way it is ---in pain, in doubts, in perpetual silence--well this is in MY case

what we had was so beautiful for me leo, i do not think i'll ever find anyone that i can connect with the way i did with you,

and yes, you already wrote your piece at the loveshack when you ended us in March 14... and i did reply, but that reply was right after that, i didn't know then what would become of me...

so now, a part of me feels--- that was patriarchy!--only you had a say about our end, and of course i just said yes... but are ends like that leo? do ends happen in patriarchy? --like what happened in march 14, like am i given no choice but say "yes, okey, i understand"? or can i have at least a say about our end because i was also a part of that "relationship"?

i know you have had many gfs:-)... and you are good at ends...

but for our end... i hope you would consider my "contribution"-- this writing, as i seek your forgiveness

i don't expect you to forgive me ASAP okey?... if ever you would find it in your heart to forgive me... that takes time and process, i understand...

but leo, i hope you will reply this time, not to say you have forgiven me, but to acknowledge that you receive this.

Best regards,

P

8.5.23 3:20 PM

P.S. leo, no matter how we ended, i am grateful that you became part of my life, i am grateful that you made me feel loved, and i am grateful that you left, not because i wanted you to but because the Heavens know, i can never leave, even if the angels come down from the Heavens and command me to leave you, i don't think i can, and so thank you for leaving, for doing what is right, for doing what is the best for all of us. Thank you so much leo...

PS2. Say hello to Miyuki for me okey?:-) Glide free and smile, you are lovely when you do:-)

PS3. Sorry, i have so much too say... thank you for spotify, ed sheeran and taylor swift were my saving grace... although i've uinstalled spotify for now and i'm not listening to any music for some time now, but i did like making playlists:-)

PS4. one last, promise--- leo, i am so sorry about the loveshack, i truly am... i do not know what else to say... please forgive me leo

***

[quarter-life-crisis2]

Fight or Flight... or freeze... or fawn and the shame we feel

Therapy lessons and notes

New series of the lessons I've been learning on my ongoing journey in therapy and life;

tag: Lia's therapy lessons (if you don't want to see these updates, please block this hashtag)

warnings: shame, sexism, boundaries being disrespected, sexual coercion but no explicit descriptions of any kind

word count: ~1k

series masterlist

So I'm sure you've heard about fight or flight, our nervous system's way of responding to danger. I first learned about these in a therapy context when I was talking about anxiety & panic attacks.

A more recent addition that I've learned about is fawn. This has filled me with the most shame, alongside freezing. The ability to label this behaviour as another self-defence & preservation tactic is helping remove that negative association in my brain.

Fawn is generally the moment in which you find yourself overly polite towards an individual that is in some way making you uncomfortable, disrespecting your boundaries, threatening your safety or just making you feel on an instinctual level that something is not quite right. Sometimes pleasing that person is the safest way of ending that interaction.

I often find myself doing this when dealing with men... surprise surprise I know... In smaller ways, it's "Why did I just laugh at my director's bad jokes", "Why did I just giggle towards that random man on the street saying odd things to me", "Why did I allow my higher up to flirt, why did I just politely laugh back".

I'm sure you can sense how in these situations, there's a disconnect between how I feel on the inside and what I show those around me, which often leads to shame and frustration.

My most shameful memory in which I now see that what I was doing was fawning (is that how you use it?) is when I was a lot younger, about 19. The danger I perceived was being alone, in the sense of being far from home, from everything I knew, far from friends & family, and far from my safety. I was scared, confused and unprepared. I just wanted someone close to me, someone that cares about me and for me.

And this came up as I felt directly pressured to sleep with someone or leave, which I was asked rudely and with an utter lack of respect. At that moment, I could have left, I should have left, I didn't want to stay, but the danger I felt was very real to me, so I didn't.

I was afraid that this person for which I am risking something, who feels as close to protection and closeness as possible at that moment, will no longer want me unless I do. I felt discarded and I didn't feel secure enough to only have myself to rely on. This wasn't a violent moment in any way, I could have stopped and walked away at any point, but I didn't.

The shame from that moment has stayed with me for almost a decade. It escalated to more and more choices made under the same principle. If I just change myself like this, if I just accept this and that, if I make myself small, or I wear this and listen to that, if I let you have what you want, then I won't be alone. If I just please you, then I will be safe.

It took understanding that danger & learning to no longer fear it to even think of it properly, to allow myself to see it in a different light.

I still struggle to put a label on it, for many reasons. Even deciding on the warnings to use when writing this was difficult, because my mind wants to minimise that moment, wants to find excuses for that person and myself, because that wasn't the end of our relationship, far from it. Wants to listen to all the ways that person minimised my experience when we talked about it years later.

My therapist is more direct in her labelling because she wants me to see it for what it is. She doesn't want me to feel shame because it's not something shameful. I rationally agree with her, and I know I would say the same to another person. But the story I have been telling myself makes it difficult to accept.

Fortunately, I am now able to see in real-time why I react the way I do. For example, an hour ago I had an uncomfortable interaction with a food delivery guy. He wasn't able to confirm my order as delivered, so he wouldn't get paid. So I was stuck with him for a while, and I switched languages for his benefit. Which was a mistake because it quickly made him feel too familiar with me. In the end, he asked how much my rent was (wtf), kept trying to see behind me in my home, and if I moved here with my family. I quickly said, no, with my boyfriend. His tone instantly changed, and he left in about a second.

In that moment, I realised I shouldn't feel ashamed for lying, for using the classic boyfriend excuse, even though my mind said 'no no bad feminist'. Because I could sense danger and I used politeness, fawning, and the lie of a man's presence to my advantage. So I am trying to let go of the shame I feel for not being ruder, not saying "Why are you asking this, go away?".

Because at the end of the day, I am single and I live alone. There's no one to check on me, no one to help nearby, so I need to use all that I can to keep myself safe, be that mentally, emotionally or physically.

So yeah, fight vs flight, freeze vs fawn, they're all there to help as automatic responses to danger. We might rationally disagree with how we reacted, but it was the best our brain could do to get us to safety, so there's no place for shame. There are so many variables and choices to consider in the moment, so we should thank our brain for its ability to quickly find the best path for us. We can learn, we can adapt and improve our reactions, but we shouldn't be ashamed for trying to keep ourselves safe, whatever safe means to us.

If you've made it this far, I hope this is helpful in some way. If nothing else, at least a different perspective to consider. If you wanna chat or ask questions, go ahead.

I said shame so much I feel like that nun in Game of Thrones

[moonraccoon-exe]

what do you mean it’s only 10 episodes of Aggretsuko????

[midnightswithdearkatytspb]

VelvetCardiganBucky’s Recommendations 2021: Week 17 | April 18th – April 24th

Welcome to week 17 of my recommendations, if you would like to be featured on a future list, I follow the hashtag #VelvetCardiganBucky, message me, tag me in your future works, or reblog this post and link to your story, one-shot, Masterlist, writing challenge, etc.

Be aware some if not most stories and writers on this list are meant to be consumed by an audience of those 18+. My blog is also an 18+ blog.

✨Page breaks are made @firefly-graphics✨

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My Masterlist

My Fic Rec List of Mafia/Mob Bucky/Sebastian & Steve/Chris/Andy

Stuff I Posted This Week

Forever & Always: Stage 1 - Denial | Pt.1 » Bucky Barnes x Witch!Reader & Platonic Avengers x Reader — Y/N “Birdy” (nicknamed by her family), comes from a long line of witches and warlocks, living her days at the New Avengers Compound, alongside her friends. The Avengers are part of her family and her family is always welcome to the compound. Things for once seemed to be going well now that all was right from the attack on Thanos, everyone was alive, all was forgiven, friendships were thriving, that all ended when Birdy’s brother came calling with sad news, their mother had suddenly passed. These are the stages of grief Birdy faces, through the loss of her best friend, her protector, her mother.

His Favorite Day » Chris Evans x Reader — Chris’s favorite day of the year is your birthday.

Bucky Barnes

One-Shots:

*No Hidden Messages by @jobean12-blog » TFATWS!Bucky Barnes x Reader — Sam sends you a picture of Bucky and the endgame is priceless. | Honestly I love me some dominant Bucky, and if Sam had sent me that picture I would have dropped my phone and been like yep that my babe. I was thinking something more dirty but I’ll keep that thought to myself. 😉

Sucker Punch by @buckyblues » Boxer!Bucky Barnes x Female!Reader — Bucky thought he knew what was his, until he accidentally let it roam free. | Someone come dump a cold bucket of water on me please?

Someone Like You by @startrekkingaroundasgard » Bucky Barnes x Hydra Agent!Reader — Taken from their SHIELD prison cell, the reader finds themself alone with The Winter Soldier negotiating for their life. | I really enjoyed reading this, the sass of the reader and how Bucky handles them. It’s just so perfect. Nicola says there is more to come for this pair and I’m so very much looking forward to it.

(Mini) Series:

Happy & So Happy by @mrwinterr » Rockstar!Bucky Barnes AU x Female Reader — You meet your favorite artist and get more than what you bargained for. | The smut in this is hot and by the end you are hoping the reader gets a happy ending not a tragic one.

*A Tender Heart 💜 Pt. 3 by @river-soul » Alpha!Bucky Barnes x Omega!Reader — You’ve been sweet on Bucky since you started working at the compound six months ago. Normally quiet and mild mannered, an unexpected fight with a coworker brings Bucky into your orbit. [A/B/O dynamics and explicit sexual content, 18+] | I feel the love that is radiating from this story and I really love it and the little bit of smut we get in chapter 3 is perfect!

the (after) party by @buckycuddlebuddy sequel loft music » fuckboy!bucky barnes x reader — “why don’t we have this thing they call goodbye sex? one last time.” he leaned forward, his lips brushing your ear. “i’ll make it good for you.” | In some strange way it was therapeutic to read this but at the same time I felt bad for the reader in the first part. Second part you are rooting for her but still feeling bad. I will say the smut in this is perfect.

Just Like Dad Pt. 3 🦾 Pt. 1 🦾 Pt. 2 by @ladyfallonavenger » Bucky Barnes x Reader — Bucky finally confronts Steve and moves forward with his life. | Very sweet ending and I loved it.

Sweet Dreams 🥞 Pt. 4 🥞 Pt. 5 🥞 Pt. 6 🥞 Pt. 7 by @jedimastermelkor » Bucky Barnes x Reader & ? x Avenger — Your daily routine involves waking up in the morning, going to work and sulking at night. But then you meet the man you’ve fantasized about for your entire life, Bucky Barnes. At the same time, you’ve caught someone else’s eye and his first step in winning you over is to cook you breakfast. But will you be welcoming of that person’s affections? | I like how she named the puppy Pancake and the first thing the mysterious avenger gave her was pancakes. I don’t want to give too much away but things are getting really good and you find out who the mysterious avenger is in chapter 6!

Steve Rogers

One-Shots:

*Caught by @giorno-plays-piano » Bluebeard!Steve Rogers x Reader — If he kept you warm, saying words of love to you every day while he looked you in the face, you’d marry him even if in a year he hanged you just like all his wives in the dungeon of his castle. | It’s dark but in a soft way and it’s so good. I highly recommend you go and read it.

Drabble Request by @angrythingstarlight » Mafia!Steve Rogers x Reader — We find out how Steve and Reader met before they ever got in a relationship. Takes place before Tell Me What You Want. | I loved this so much, I was laughing and pictured this whole piece so vividly in my brain. Also I just want a part where Bucky teases Steve about that night in front of reader making her giggle, maybe at the wedding?

(Mini) Series:

*Yuánfèn 📖 Pt. 4 by @writerwrites » Steve Rogers x Reader — When you’ve lost everything and try to run away from your problems, you keep finding a way back to the one person who completely understands. Can you make another person happy with a broken heart? | I always look forward to the updates on this story. It brings me so much comfort and the relationship that is blossoming between the reader and Steve is beautiful and organic. I highly recommend this.

Misc.

Headcanons:

*Just Like Her Old Man by @rebelwrites » Chibs Telford x Reader — I asked for: Parents get called into school for a meeting due to their daughter fighting, and trying not to be proud. Taking them out for a treat after the meeting. | It turned out so great. If you knew me at my Sons Anarchy Days, you know I loved Chibs the most. This feed my love for him even more. Thank you Heather!!

One-Shot:

*A Simple Solution by @sweetlyscared » Andy Barber x Fem!Reader, Ari Levinson x Fem!Reader, Andy Barber x Fem!Reader x Ari Levinson — You and Andy had a purely sexual relationship for several months, and you’d started to grow attached to him. Unfortunately, life has a way of complicating things, and a chance encounter at a bookstore had you stuck between a rock and a hard place. | We all owe a huge thank you to Sweet Lee, for writing and posting this. She wrote our dreams out so perfectly, and if you haven’t thought of this now you can. It’s just so hot and good, I for one am very thankful.

(Mini) Series:

*Give In 🐈‍⬛ Pt. 23 🐈‍⬛ Pt. 24 🐈‍⬛ Pt. 25 by @overr-written » soft!dark!Lee Bodecker x Reader — She didn’t think she was anything special. So when the intimidating Sheriff takes an interest in her, she can’t help but feel a little unsettled. Her boring life is about to get a little interesting. | I love this series so much and the lengths that the chapters are. I really am going to be sad when this is over. I don’t ever want it to end. 😭

Seal Team

One-Shots:

Imma Take Care Of Your Body by @rebelwrites » Clay Spenser x Reader — Reader is the only female member on Bravo who also has a no strings attached relationship with Rebel. | Let me just say this is hot, like really hot. Give me a glass of water and let me cool down. Thank you Heather for blessing us with this.

Tier One Babysitters by @bravo-four-seal-team » Seal Team; Ray Perry x Naima Perry — Ray and Naima ask the team to watch 6 month old Jameelah. | I promise you will be laughing.

You Are Perfect by @rebelwrites » Clay Spenser x Reader — Clay tells you everything he loves about you. | As a big boned girl this meant a lot and has me wishing for a Clay Spenser to call my own.

[strawberrymilkgeorge]

Part Seven. Cooties, Discall, and Flirting

warnings: swearing, also I used the word “flirt” so many times it no longer holds meaning so beware word count: 4k 

behind the screen (irl dream x f!reader) series masterlist ultimate masterlist

A/N: putting it up here this time!!!! i liked this chap so i hope you do too!!!!! if you didn’t see the missing dms from part 3 (which are now actually in part 3), bugsy agreed to a minecraft date with dream in exchange for karl touring her on his smp!! anyway, enjoy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**********

The frosty air bit at Y/n's skin as she hurriedly shut the car door behind her, starting up her car in an attempt to find warmth as quickly as possible. "Why do I live here?" she asked through chattered teeth, causing Naomi to laugh.

"It's not that cold!"

"I don't know how you're okay with this."

"Do you want me to drive? You're so stiff you'll crash,” Naomi offered as she looked at Y/n.

"I'm fine, I just need to warm up for a second," Y/n assured as she rubbed her hands together in front of the heater.

Naomi giggled and took her hands, rubbing them to help heat them up.

"Thank you, ma'am."

"Now hurry up, I have a work meeting in like 30 minutes."

"What?" she gasped, quickly putting her gloves back on. "Why didn't you tell me? I wouldn't have spent so much time looking at Christmas decorations!"

"I'm just kidding. But Karl will be mad if he has to wait for his food any longer."

"You're seriously the worst." She smacked Naomi's arm and started driving, much less panicked than a few moments prior.

"You love me."

"Whatever. How's your internship going by the way?"

Naomi sighed. "Good. It's really hard to be motivated to go since it's unpaid but it's the last thing I need to graduate so I have to do it."

"But you enjoy it, right? I mean it's what you want to do."

"Yeah, no, I love it. I just wish I was getting paid so I didn't have to work at the grocery store too. I wish I could get paid to play video games like you."

Y/n deflated slightly. She hated when people put it like that, it made her sound like it wasn't a real job but it was challenging in its own way. "I'll teach you how to pvp and you'll be on your way to the top."

"Maybe then I could actually meet George myself instead of waiting around for you to do it."

"Wait!" Y/n gasped. "Did I not... did I not tell you about the other night?"

"Uh... I guess not? What happened?"

Y/n squealed. "Dude! Make a Discord account right now. Get your phone out and make one."

"Why? What is that?"

"It's the thing we all use to voice call during streams and in private and stuff. Come on!" Y/n used her right hand to urge Naomi to grab her phone. "George said you can't have his number but you can have his Discord."

"Wait, really??" Naomi gasped. "Wait, what does that mean!? I can talk to him on it!?"

Y/n laughed. "Yes, yes! You can text or voice call or even video call but I don't suggest that right away. Don't scare him away."

"He really said he'd add me back? Wait, when did you talk to him about me?"

"On Dream's stream. After the movie, I went and talked to them for a few hours."

"Is that why I heard you giggling at four in the morning?"

Y/n felt her cheeks heat up. "Okay, well, that was just with Dream. George and Sapnap left the call around one and two."

"Date."

"Sounds to me like someone doesn't want GeorgeNotFound's Discord..."

Y/n saw Naomi cower shyly. "Sorry. Please give it to me."

"I don't know it off the top of my head, silly. So be nice for the rest of the car ride and I'll get it when we get home."

"Is Karl meeting us at our apartment or his?"

"Ours. Can you tell him we're almost there?"

"I don't know if I have the strength to... talk to someone who's such good friends with... my love..." Naomi started with a dramatic sigh, "it just reminds me of the pain I go through daily... without him..."

"If that were true, you couldn't talk to me. I'm also good friends with Mr. Not Found."

Naomi threw her head to glare at Y/n, who just laughed. "Come on, text Karl. Please. His food will get cold."

Y/n watched as Naomi typed away on her phone. Soon, the two pulled up to their apartment complex and headed upstairs. Y/n turned the corner and walked down the hall to see Karl standing at their front door.

"KARL JACOBS! WE HAVE FOOD!"

He looked up quickly from his phone and beamed at them. "My heroes!"

"What are you doing outside, silly?" Y/n asked. "Don't you have a key?"

"Naomi made me give it back after I pulled that prank on you guys last month," he explained as Y/n unlocked the door.

"Well deserved. I still find glitter everywhere."

Y/n set the food on the counter and the other two crowded around. "Thank you, mother, for lunch," Karl joked and kissed her cheek loudly, his love language of physical touch jumping out of him. Y/n grimaced playfully as she wiped her cheek on her shoulder.

"GROSS!!! COOTIES!"

Karl pouted. "I thought we were best fwends, Y/n . Best fwends don't have cooties."

"You do. You're a boy."

Y/n's phone lit up as Karl started going on a joking rant about how Y/n  always is so mean to his affections and he can't help wanting to show his friends he loves them and how she's so mean and, "Y/n you're not even listening to my complaints how are we supposed to be best friends when you're too busy talking to your boyfriend all the time and—"

"Boyfriend?" Y/n looked up quickly, worried he had seen the text from Peter that she just read. He was still trying to convince her to talk to him even after she bluntly told him no and why.

Karl walked over to the couch with his food and sat next to Naomi. "I was just joking... why, is there someone?" he giggled. "Dreeeaam maybe?"

Y/n shook her head, and her lack of defensiveness made Naomi and Karl look at each other. Normally she turned bright red and stumbled over her words when they joked about anyone being her boyfriend, but she was stone cold silent as her phone continued to illuminate her face.

"Y/n... What's up?" Naomi asked. "Is it Peter again?"

"Peter?" Karl's eyebrows raised and his food almost fell out of his mouth. "He's been texting you?"

Y/n sighed, locking her phone and sliding it in her pocket before finally joining her friends on the couch. "It's nothing."

"No, it's not."

"He wants to talk," Y/n mumbled.

"What?" Karl asked genuinely.

"I said he wants to talk."

Karl just stared for a few moments before looking at Naomi, who nodded, then back at Y/n. "You're not going to, right? Right? You've got to be kidding me, Y/n, he's a selfish dick and he's just going to keep hurting you. Why do you keep giving him the benefit of the doubt when he's proven time and time again that he's nothing but a fuc—"

"Karl!" Y/n interrupted. "I'm obviously not going to talk to him."

Karl's face flushed, probably embarrassed that he had assumed the worst and ranted. He sighed, exasperated. "Why don't you just block him already?"

Y/n shrugged. "He's harmless now that I don't let his words get to me."

"I'm just glad you finally decided not to meet up with him," Naomi said.

Y/n  shrugged like it was an obvious choice, but deep down she couldn't help but think about the exact reason she had come to that decision. Besides all the pain he had caused her, how could she consider getting back together with her ex when she finds herself giddy about talking to someone else over Discord? Simple: she couldn't. The possibility of liking Dream briefly crossed her mind, and she knew that in the few weeks she had talked to him, the faceless man she had never met in real life made her feel better about herself than her ex-boyfriend ever did in the two years they dated. She wasn't sure quite what that meant, but she knew it was something.

"Can I have George's Dis...call or whatever it's called now? Please?"

Y/n laughed at the failed attempt at remembering the name of the application and pulled out her phone, directing Naomi on where to add friends and listing off his name and hashtag. Naomi then gave Y/n her name so she could tell George who to add back. "There, now leave me alone about George for the rest of your life."

Naomi giggled giddily before going to her room, eyes glued to her phone for the moment he would add her back.

"I'm sorry for being so bossy when it comes to Peter," Karl muttered.

Y/n shrugged and cuddled into the couch, hugging a pillow to her stomach. "I get that he was awful, but you have to trust me to know what to do."

"I do! I promise I trust you but..." Karl paused to groan, "but he just makes my blood boil. I've never hated anyone in my life but I would love to slice his head off if I ever got the chance."

"Thank you for being protective, but I promise I can handle myself."

Karl looked at her sadly. "Why did you stay with him for so long? Even after he cheated on you and said all those horrible things?"

She shrugged shamefully. "I had no one else."

"You had me and Naomi! Y/n, you've never been alone."

"That's not what I mean, Karl. I love you guys so much but it's not the same as dating someone, you know?"

"I guess..." he sighed. "But wouldn't you rather be alone than with someone who's so possessive you're afraid to tell him about your real job?"

Y/n dropped her shoulders. He had a point. She really shouldn't have stayed with Peter as long as she did. He was scary. "Yeah."

A scream from the other room snapped them out of their serious conversation. "HE ADDED ME BACK!"

Y/n laughed and Karl shook his head. "Poor George. He's about to regret so much," she predicted.

"Noooo... I'm sure he and Naomi will get along great," Karl argued. "They'll be friends at least."

"Maybe. Hey, any updates about cameragirl?"

Karl blushed immediately and Y/n smiled.

"Is that a yes??"

"I... may have... finally spoken to her. Y/n, she's so cute. Like, she's so nice and I want to protect her from everything."

"What did you guys talk about?!" Y/n gasped, sitting up quickly.

"You're going to be so disappointed in me..."

"Did you talk about Sonic the Hedgehog again? Karl, I swear—"

"No! But I only said like two words."

"What two words?"

"Um, I said hi, and then she asked how I was and I said good."

"KARL!"

"I know!" he said as he buried his face in his hoodie sleeves. "I'm the worst! I don't know how to talk to her! She's so cute!!!"

Y/n laughed endearingly and pulled his hands away. "My offer still stands, I'll teach you how to flirt if you want."

"No, I still don't believe that you can actually flirt."

"I totally can, but fine. Ask Naomi to help you if you don't trust me. She'd teach you if you want." Y/n looked down at her phone as it lit up with notifications from Twitter.

As if he knew by the smile on her face who it was, Karl challenged, "Flirt with Dream to prove you can."

"I have nothing to prove to you," Y/n mumbled, standing up. "But he wants to call me so I'm going to my room. You're welcome to stay here or go home since Naomi's still in her room too."

"Mkay," Karl said. "I'll just stay here for now. Thanks again for the food."

"No problem, dude." Y/n disappeared to her room and opened Discord on her computer, waiting for Dream to call her. She answered when he finally did.

"Hi, Dream," she smiled into her headset.

"Hi, Bug. What are you up to?"

"Nothing. I was just explaining to Karl how good I am at flirting because he doesn't believe that I'm good."

"I don't either."

"What?" she laughed. "Why does no one think I can? Have you seen all the thirsty people flirting with me on Twitter? You included."

"Yeah, but you hardly flirt back. You just insult us."

"I can flirt when I want to."

"Prove it."

"...I don't want to."

"Why? Because you can only flirt with your boyfriend?"

"Are you trying to get me to admit I have a secret lover?"

"Yes."

"Well too bad, I don't."

"Interesting... so you," he paused, careful with his words, "so you decided... not to listen to whats-his-face?"

"Mhm," she hummed, not trusting her voice to stay steady. Why was she nervous? She crossed her fingers hoping that he wouldn't ask how or why she came to that conclusion. She didn't have a lie ready to hide the fact that it might have something to do with Dream.

"Then there's no reason you can't flirt with me."

Y/n sighed dramatically but still smiled. "Why did you call me? Just to make fun of my flirting abilities?"

"No, I called because I'm bored."

"Wow, so I'm just a backup when GeorgeNotFound and Sapnap are busy?"

"Actually, I called you before I tried either of them."

"Interesting..." she mocked him and he scoffed.

"Stop changing the subject and flirt with me!!! Give me your best pickup line!! Why won't you?"

"How about because I reserve flirting for people who deserve it?"

"Oh, it's that good, huh? You have to be on a VIP list to be flirted with by you?"

"Yeah," she laughed, completely joking. "It's life-changing."

"How do I get on that list?"

"Why do you want me to flirt with you so bad, you weirdo?"

"Because you said it's life-changing! And because I just don't believe that you're good at flirting."

"Why? What about me screams that I'm an awkward mess?"

"Everything!" he laughed. "Every time I've witnessed anyone flirt with you you just get all embarrassed and change the subject. Or on Twitter when we flirt with you, you almost always just reject us outright. People like that aren't smooth."

"Fine. I'll flirt with you, Dream. Not now but when you least expect it and it'll leave you so speechless that you'll never question me again."

"Good. I'm excited."

She snorted lightly and shook her head. "You're ridiculous."

"Oh, hey, you know how I said Sapnap, George, and I wanted to do a big hangout thing with everyone?"

"Yes! Is it happening??"

"Yeah! We still don't know exactly when but George mentioned he thinks New Year's Eve and New Year's Day are stupid holidays so we want to get everyone together in person for that to prove it's a great holiday."

"I mean... I'm kinda with George on this one," Y/n agreed.

"What?! How? It's the start of a New Year! It's an excuse to kiss someone and you start the year with all your friends and loved ones and-"

"It's literally just another day. The only thing that changes is people accidentally put the wrong year when they write dates down for the first month."

Dream laughed. "That's stupid. No. It's a good holiday."

"Whatever. You'll just have to prove to me that it's good."

"I will."

"And the thing you said about having an excuse to kiss someone is stupid. If you wanna kiss someone, just kiss them."

"That easy, huh?"

"Yes."

Dream hummed thoughtfully, a mischievously playful tone to it that made Y/n change the subject slightly to spare her heart from beating too hard.

"So he's coming for New Years'?"

"Okay, yeah, so he doesn't know exactly what date but we're trying to get as many of our friends as we can to come so we have to plan around everyone. Also obviously you and Karl and Naomi are invited."

"Oh, Naomi too? Good, because I think they're talking to each other right now."

"They are," Dream laughed. "George texted me when she added him and he panicked because he doesn't know how to talk to girls."

"What?!" Y/n gasped in offense. "That's his and my thing! Why didn't he text me panicking??"

"He said he was going to text you but since it's your friend he felt awkward."

She grunted. "Fine. I guess that makes sense. Except, I know her better than anyone so I'd be waaay more helpful than you."

"You saying I don't know how to talk to girls?"

"I mean, you've used so many pickup lines on me on Twitter and I'm still not wowed, so yeah, I'd say you aren't as smooth as you'd like to think."

"Bug! What?! I'm totally good at talking to girls," Dream tried to defend, pulling excuses out of his ass. "I just haven't used my best tactics because you're easier to scare away than most. As I said, you can't dish it or take it so I have to use special moves."

"They still haven't worked." The quick beating of her heart and shaking of her hands informed her that that was a lie. Every time he replied to her tweets, the painful grin on her face proved it was a big, fat lie. Maybe she was a little impressed at his "special moves" but she wasn't going to ever admit that to him.

"Whatever, you liar. Anyway, we were thinking of renting a cabin on a lake or something like that for everyone to stay in."

"Oh! Yes, that sounds so fun! I love lake houses so much."

"Good. I'm gonna talk to George and the other brits and see if that's doable. It's gonna happen. I promise. I'm tired of not seeing my friends."

"Wait, how many people are you guys thinking? I'm still nervous about showing people my face..."

"It's a rough list but basically Sapnap, George, Quackity, Karl, Wilbur, Niki, um, Tubbo, Tommy, who else.... I think that's it right now. We'll make sure you know them and are comfortable with them so you don't feel pressured to show strangers who you are."

She nodded to herself. "Okay. I could also just not come if I'm not comfortable with someone—"

"What?!" he asked loudly, genuinely surprised. "Wha— no. We just wouldn't invite them."

"But—"

"I'd way rather have you there than anyone else. Hell, I'd kick George or Sapnap out if you didn't want to show them your face."

"Wait, really?"

"No pressure but I really want you to come and I want to make sure your comfortable."

"What if I don't want to show you my face?"

There was a long pause and Y/n knew he was trying to control his voice so she didn't know he was disappointed or slightly offended. "I mean... I don't know. I guess I... wouldn't go."

Her heart cracked at the sadness in his voice.

"I really don't want you to be pressured into—"

"Dream," she said. "It's okay. I'm probably most comfortable with meeting you over anyone else."

"Really?"

She didn't trust her voice not to sound too sappy and giddy. She didn't trust it a lot when she was around Dream. "Mhm."

"I'm glad," he said happily but softly. "It will be fun. Also, give me your phone number."

"So forward of you, Dream."

"Shut up, I wanna make a group chat."

Y/n laughed and told him her number. "I'm really excited now, Dream! I haven't hung out with people in so long and it sounds like a fun little vacation."

Dream laughed at her excitement. "I just want to hug the shit out of George."

It was Y/n's turn to laugh loudly. "Have you met him in real life yet?"

"No."

"I doubt he'll even let you touch him. He doesn't seem touchy."

"I don't think he is but I don't care. I am very touchy so he won't have a choice but to hug me."

"Ugh, another touchy person. Gross."

"Are you not?"

"Not really. Karl is the touchiest person I have ever met so he's kinda rubbed off on me a little over the years I think, but in general no."

"Oh, yeah, he's already threatened to kiss all of us as soon as we meet," Dream said with a laugh.

"Best to just let it happen. He pouted earlier because I wiped my cheek after he kissed it."

"That doesn't sound like something someone who can flirt would do."

"Because I'm not flirting with Karl!" Y/n groaned but a laugh was behind her words. "What is with you guys?"

"You just can't be on Karl and my level of flirting if we don't see it! Can't be in the gang if you don't show us your skill."

"Just you wait, Dream. You'll see."

"Wait, what about our Minecraft date?"

"What about it?"

"When we do that, you have to flirt with me!"

"No, I don't," she protested with a loud laugh.

"Um, I'm pretty sure it's very rude to not sweet-talk your date. You have to flirt with me then."

Y/n giggled. "Oh yeah? And what if I don't?" She hadn't meant for her voice to come out laced with something suggestive, but if Dream noticed, he thankfully didn't show it.

"Well, we'll just have to keep going on dates until you do."

"Pretty sure forcing someone on dates is illegal, buddy."

Dream laughed. "You agreed to it!!"

"I agreed to the first one," she corrected. "I agreed to one date in exchange for you letting Karl tour me around your server. One."

"Don't worry." Unlike Y/n's, Dream's voice was purposefully laced with something suggestive as he told her, "after our date, it won't take much for you to agree to more."

"Oh whatever," she scoffed, trying to cool her face down with her icy hands. Even they were no match for the heat on her cheeks. "When are we doing this stupid thing anyway?"

"Ah, the smooth talking has begun, I see."

"Dreeeamm..." she whined, growing increasingly tired of the butterflies in her stomach. Why did she suddenly feel so nervous around him? It's not sudden, she told herself.

Dream's cute laugh interrupted her thoughts. "What about tomorrow?"

"I'm streaming Among Us tomorrow."

He groaned. "You never make time for me."

"I cannot stand you," she joked, laughs slipping through her annoyed voice and blowing her cover. "You're the one who said you were too busy to join my lobby. So really you don't make time for me."

"No, no, no," he protested. "I'd make time for one-on-one time with you, just not a game where I hardly get to talk to you."

"Oh my gosh." She rolled her eyes. "How did you turn this around to sound cute again."

"Aw, Bug, you think I'm cute?"

"You ruined it by asking. What are you doing tomorrow anyway?"

"I have to finish a plug-in by tomorrow night so George and I can test it. There's still a lot to fix so it'll probably will take all day."

"Oooh," she cooed. "What's it do?"

"It changes the world every time we take damage," he explained with a hint of pride in his voice.

"What the! That sounds awesome!"

"Thanks," he said shyly, proudness gone now that he was being complimented. "Anyway, George is really busy next week so we have to test it tomorrow night so we can record the next day."

"You probably should finish it then."

"Or you could cancel your stream and we could go on a date."

"Dream!" She laughed. "No! How about next week. Between you editing the video you record, we go on a Minecraft date. How's Thursday?"

"I guess I could fit you into my schedule..."

"I hate you."

His cheeky grin could be heard through his stupid words. "Keep telling yourself that."

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A/N: *sniff* *sniff* yall smell a hater in those twitter screenshots?? hmmm..... 

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[justapurrcat]

73 questions

on a scale of 1-10, how excited are you about life right now? I would say 6.

describe yourself in a hashtag? #iftheworduncomfortablewasaperson

if you could do a love scene with anyone, who would it be? Tom. But I would be super awkward about it.

if your life was a musical, what would the marquee say? "Wrong Person, Wrong Time."

what’s one thing people don’t know about you? That I write fanfics.

what’s your wake up ritual? Don't have one. I just check my phone, regret not dying during the night, get up and skip breakfast.

what’s your go to bed ritual? I do my skincare routine, come up with many brilliant ideas I will not follow the next day, read/write on my phone until I pass out.

what’s your favorite time of day? Evenings (especially is the sunsets are pretty) and nights.

your go to for having a good laugh? Oh dear, I laugh so rarely I honestly don't know.

dream country to visit? Japan, absolutely. Now that I mentioned it, I might need to brush up my Japanese...

what’s the biggest surprise you’ve ever had? People not getting annoyed by my presence and saying they genuinely enjoy it and actively search for it... what's your plan?

heels or flats/sneakers? Sneakers, but I love heels and those who rock them.

vintage or new? Vintage.

who do you want to write your obituary? My best friends.

style icon? I... don't know, actually? Do the models in dark academia moodboard pics count?

what are three things you cannot live without? My phone, my cats, my friends.

what’s one ingredient you put in everything? Oregano/Mint/Paprika, it depends, but mainly these three.

what 3 people living or dead would you want to make dinner for? Mmm... my mom (because she hates cooking, but she's being doing stuff for other people her whole life), my grandma (she's from the place where lasagne were "invented", so it would be a huge test), and my grandpa (who loved to cook, so I would love to hear his opinion).

what’s your biggest fear in life? Being useless and unworthy of love.

window or aisle seat? Window.

what’s your current tv obsession? I don't have one at the moment.

favorite app? Tumblr.

secret talent? I can sew and sing a little, I guess?

most adventurous thing you’ve ever done in your life? Meh, everything makes me uncomfortable, merely existing is adventurous enough for me.

how would you define yourself in three words? Dreamer, afraid, over-thinker.

favorite piece of clothing you own? Anything that's purple or lilac.

a must have clothing item that everyone should have? Black/white tank.

a superpower you would want? Teleportation, no doubts on that.

what’s inspiring you in life right now? Writing? Seeing where that can bring me? Idk next question.

best piece of advice you’ve received? "Make fun of it before others can, so they won't be able to hurt you"... given to me by myself.

best advice you’d give your teenage self? "No" is a nice word and you should say it more. Also, stop apologizing for everything. And DON'T make your eyebrows thinner!

a book everyone should read? The "My Brilliant Friend" tetralogy by Elena Ferrante.

what would you like to be remembered for? Nah, just forget me, it's embarrassing.

how do you define beauty? I don't.

what do you love most about your body? You mean despise the least? Probably my eyes, but on alternate days.

best way to take a rest/decompress? Listen to music, nap, cuddle a cat, if you have one.

favorite place to view art? In a museum.

if your life was a song, what would the title be? The Autumn of Violet Lilies.

if you could master one instrument, what would it be? Piano.

if you had a tattoo, where would it be? On my nape.

dolphins or koalas? Koalas.

what’s your spirit animal? A cat.

best gift you’ve ever received? A corset. It was technically mine, because I made it, but I got to keep it.

best gift you’ve given? A handmade doll.

what’s your favorite board game? Dixit.

what’s your favorite color? Purple in its every shade.

least favorite color? Orange.

diamond or pearls? Pearls.

drugstore makeup or designer? Both.

blow-dry or air-dry? Air-dry.

pilates or yoga? Yoga.

coffee or tea? I drink tea, darling.

what’s the weirdest word in the english language? Farthingale.

dark chocolate or milk chocolate? Milk.

stairs or elevators? Stairs.

summer or winter? Winter.

you are stuck on an island, you can pick one food to eat forever without getting tired of it, what would you eat? Pizza.

a dessert you don’t like? Pudding.

a skill you’re working on mastering? Living.

best thing to happen to you today? I got to spend some time with my best friends.

worst thing to happen to you today? Waking up still alive.

best compliment you’ve ever received? Unbelievably, something about my writing.

favorite smell? Flowers, especially lilies, roses and violets, chocolate, mint, vanilla.

hugs or kisses? Hugs.

if you made a documentary, would it be about? Historical garments.

last piece of content you consumed that made you cry? "Tear Along the Dotted Line".

lipstick or lipgloss? Lipstick.

sweet or savory? Savory.

girl crush? Idk, I fall in love with everyone, I'm a bit of a whore under that aspect. Right now, Simone Ashley, Gemma Chan, Anne Hathaway and Sharon Alexie.

how do you know your in love? When you go "oh shit, this ain't gonna end well".

a song you can listen to on repeat? Anything by Taylor Swift, really... right now, it's "The Lakes".

if you could switch lives with someone for a day, who would it be? My cat.

what are you most excited for about this time in your life? Beginning this new job.

tagged by @silkscream and @indouloureux thank you lovies 💜

tagging: @ahoefortomholland @jahayla-parker @thollandsdarling @buckybarnesandmarvel @spiderboytotherescue and whoever wants to do this⁓