#i mean this in like. idc really. it’s just frustrating to me overall how much mental illness is disregarded ykwim…..

[lesbianlenas]

one thing i really do hate is that like. the amount of work i have put in to be where i am academically does not translate so apparently in my transcript for ex. like yes i have a 3.81 gpa & i graduated w the highest honors at my school but like. i did that while also having severe depression and undiagnosed adhd for the first 3 yrs of college but it’s like. that doesn’t matter ykwim. like i am judged on the same level as someone who did those things w/o having severe mental illness at the same time & it’s frustrating to me bc i know that if i didn’t have mental illness i would have done even better. unfortunately the education system says fuck you if u have mental illness so like 😩

[ang3lfory0u]

~ Your beauty never ever scared me ~ (Carl Grimes x fem!reader)

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Okay did I forget the account existed? No. Could I be bothered to write? Also no. But I’m back, I think, maybe.

This probably makes no sense but idc 💫

Carl grimes x fem!reader

——————————————————————————————————

It had been days since the girl had seen Carl, days missing his face and overall presence. As much as it pained her there was no convincing him, he refused to leave his room (which they usually shared) meaning that not only did Y/n have to sleep alone, but she had to sleep knowing her lover was hiding from her.

This had been going on ever since Carl was shot in the head-loosing his eye. Even though the girl was present during the whole ordeal, she still failed to see him in his condition as she was quickly pulled away from the scene. Y/n had rushed to see him as soon as he awoke but he refused to see her. This completely ruined her. Knowing the love of her life didn’t want to see her.

Now logically, she knew that it was more to do with him than her. He was scared, scared of what she will think. But that didn’t comfort her at all, because it meant he didn’t trust her or at least, didn’t trust she would still love him. It was silly really, she knew she would love him no matter what, wether he looses an eye or a limb she’d still love him. And Y/n thought Carl knew that too but apparently not. That made her question how good of a lover she was, did she not make her love clear enough ? She thought back and couldn’t see it, she didn’t ever give him a reason to doubt her affection. So what changed ?

It wasn’t her, it could never be her. It was him, his face was ruined. Not only could he not see as well as before, but he was left with that disgusting scar that was putrid to look at. No one, not even Y/n could ever love such a disfigurement, its horrific. That was exactly what Carl was thinking.

He was convinced that as soon as (or if) Y/n sees his face, all feelings for him will drain from her heart. Carl couldn’t bare that, so he hid himself away, as long as she didn’t see him, he could continue living in this comfort that he was hers and she was his. That didn’t stop him from missing her horribly, hell it had only been a few days and he was already hugging his pillow imaging that it was her.

It was another morning of Carl laying curled up in his bed, face buried into his pillow, wishing the day away and cursing his bad luck. Times like this made him forget his fortunes, like his girlfriend that he is currently pushing away. Speaking of said girlfriend, she was currently approaching the boys door, a sigh escaping her lips. Y/n lifted her fist, knocking gently on the door. Carl’s head lifted from his mattress before slumping back down with a fed up expression on his face. His voice rung out from behind the door in a groan, “dad Im not in the mood”.

Y/n once again sighed with a small amused smile before twisting the handle and entering the dimly lit room. “Well good cause im not your dad”.

The sound of her voice alerted Carl as he bolted out of the bed, attempting to usher Y/n out of the room.

“Hey, hey, hey!” Y/n made an effort to shut the door behind her, meaning she was backed into it by the tall boy. She tried to reach her hands up to calm him down, but he just grabbed her wrists, shaking her lightly.

“Who the hell let you in here? Huh?” He spoke in a low, frustrated tone. This moment gave Y/n the chance to examine him, the white bandage covering his left eye and the darkness shadowing his other. God had he been sleeping at all? His slender hand covering her eyes is what snapped her out of her daze.

“Carl-love don’t do this to me.” She desperately tried to pry his hand away but to no avail. She could feel him tense.

“Did no one tell you-I don’t want to fucking see you right now.”

She hummed, “you don’t want to see me or you don’t want me to see you?”

Carl hesitated before answering, “you wouldn’t want to see me either”.

Y/n scoffed, “Carl you have no idea how much I’ve missed your face-don’t hide it from me. Y’know how fucking lonely I’ve been without you?”

No words were said and they stood in silence for while but then Carl removed his hand from her face and turned around, flopping down onto the bed, still facing away from Y/n.

The girls eyes softened and she followed him, sitting herself down on the mattress. She brought her hand to his knee, drawing circles in an attempt to comfort him.

“Listen, im not going to force you to do anything, you don’t have to show me if you aren’t ready, but I don’t want you to not show me because you think I’ll be disgusted because I won’t be. I swear, I could never think ill of you Carl-you know that right?”

Y/n could see him nod his head slightly, she continued, “are you sure ? Because based on your reaction to me walking in here, I’m not convinced.”

Carl sighed, “you don’t understand, it’s not small, it’s not just bad-it’s huge and repulsive, I look like a fucking monster.”

The girl was taken aback, a monster ? Carl ? No.

“Please don’t say things like that-it can’t be that bad-”

“Look at it Y/n!”

Carl suddenly turned, grabbing the girls shoulder with one hand and ripping his bandage off with the other to reveal the agitated red wound that took the place of his eye. The girls eyes widened at the sudden movement but they settled again when she saw the damage. It was big and looked sore but was far from repulsive.

“Look at it and tell me I don’t Look fucking hideous!”

With no expression change the girl responded, “you don’t look fucking hideous”

Carl gaped slightly before swallowing and continuing, “oh yeah?”

“Yeah” the girl looked him dead in the eye, “you don’t look fucking hideous”.

“Oh please Y/n, no need to lie, you can say it-you’re revolted aren’t you? I look like a freak!”

Y/n’s eyes narrowed, her tone becoming stern, “don’t you dare say things like that about yourself.” She loosened his grip on her shoulders before going on, “you are the sweetest, bravest and most beautiful person I’ve ever met in my whole life. There is nothing that could happen to your face or body that could change that I utterly adore you, every bit of you, no matter how ‘damaged’ you may think it is. Fuck, you could loose all your arms and legs and I’d still be inlove with you.”

Carl just stared at her in shock, she proceeded to cup his face in her soft hands, “this scar,” she hovered her thumb over the wound in a swipe motion, “is a sign of your strength and your journey. You’ve lived through a zombie apocalypse for fucks sake, better have the scar to prove it, no matter how you got it. Besides,” she paused, smirking slightly, “I think it looks kinda badass.”

Carl stared at her in awe, the only words that managed to come out being, “really ?”

Y/n shrugged, “yeah I mean, sucks I can’t see both of your eyes anymore cause I loved them but-it is hot”. Her arms sunk to wrap around his shoulders, pulling him towards her. She placed a soft kiss on his lips, pulling away to stare into him for a bit longer.

“You’re so beautiful Carl Grimes.” She mumbled, proceeding to pepper his face in kisses, muttering between each one, “so-fucking-beautiful”.

Carl still hadn’t said anything, the kind girls words sinking in slowly. He suddenly became aware that he was being kissed because he suddenly gripped the girls waist and pulled her closer to him. He stopped her constant kisses with his hands cupping her face, swiping his thumb across her cheek.

“You promise it’s not that bad”, his voice slightly cracked as he spoke and Y/n’s heart melted.

“Darling it’s not bad at all-you’re still the most handsome boy I’ve ever seen by far.”

For the first time in what felt like days, a small smile pulled on Carl’s lips. Y/n took notice and felt his lips under the pads of her fingers before pulling him in again for another kiss.

“I love you so much”, Carl mumbled against her lips.

“I love you more.”

“Not possible”, the boy responded.

The girl chuckled at his antics, “Hm it is”

The boy pulled away, ���oh yeah?”

The girl replied with a straight face, “yeah”

Without another word, Carl pulled the girl on-top of him before turning them both over so he could look down on her.

“Sure”, he began kissing her soft lips yet again, also leaving gentle kisses on her face and neck.

Y/n sighed happily at the feeling, glad she had talked some sense into the boy. Glad that she had her favourite person back.

[kiwibongos]

im writing Something for a little fic and i was putting stuff in my notes for later on and it really just made me realize like how fucked up hajime is after all the Horrors. like, emotionally. him rediscovering emotions entirely. (maybe someone has talked abt this before, i just wanna store this here)

because when he's less of a hollow shell, all there is is grief and guilt in his brain. but then as time goes on, he slowly rediscovers what it means to be human, and learns these feelings again one by one. and it has to be such an agonizing process too ? and when they do happen, theyre all extremely overwhelming, out of the blue, and most likely even caused by really small things. my dude will eat a stale piece of bread or even smell expired dairy products, suddenly relearn disgust and feel ABSOLUTELY nauseous and just hurl over lmaoo

but for as for more serious topics, like properly feeling anger again, it'd be ticked off by little shit, bc he doesn't wanna lose control like that cause the frustration doubles. it'd get bad when he makes a mistake too. he'd freak the hell out, because izuru was the embodiment of perfection, of every talent cultivated into one single brain, so he *cant* mess up, but its too much for him to handle cause he's so used to being under that obligation and expectation, but now that he's losing his stability over all that, when he messes up just *slightly*, he feels ashamed and tries to fix it as fast as possible, whether or not its a big deal. itd definitely be really hard to get out of the mindset that, even though hes not izuru anymore, he has to be perfect. to him, he has to stay that way. cause if he fails at all, then he can't protect his friends anymore. does that make sense. the pressure would be literally crushing

also shock/surprise/excitement. everything was predictable and boring to him as izuru, so obviously all of that is still a huge issue that still lingers within him after the simulation, so he'd probably overcome that first and be caught off guard a lot bc, well, he's learning to be hajime again, he's not *exactly* the op superhuman genius anymore (in my head at least. cause when two minds practically mash together weirdly it creates a horrible hit-or-miss concoction lol) so even basic things become brand new to him, and hes fascinated and curious by everyone and everything. not like hes never seen it before, but its like hes experiencing it for the first time, even if its just mundane tasks in life, new methods and alternatives to things, etc. he's generally a very observant guy, and would also pick up on little traits and habits from all his friends. i have the feeling people would rub off on him extremely easily

love, serenity and happiness itself would be extremely hard to tackle and learn, or even notice? i think of so many scenarios of how this could happen. cause like sure he can feel joy, he can be glad, proud, relieved, and smile because his friends are there. but he's still yet to experience what happiness truly is, what it means to him, and it's not something he can do alone. so it just takes a while for that big boom to happen. perhaps its up to interpretation how it happens, go for it idc i have alot of scenarios stirring up in my brain, but overall, i think him actually bursting with happiness and feeling genuine peace within himself, and realize hes grateful for the life he has, and the future he got to choose, would probably be caused in the process of moving to jabberwock island. just seeing all his friends on the boat and knowing they've made it this far, and theyre going to be starting a new life on this island, and that theyre safe, would be enough to just like hit him. like Ough. and thats when he actually consciously realizes that he's happy, when every other waking moment, there's been some kind of empty pit in his stomach eating at him for so long

on top of all of this, he cant really control his emotions very well, either. thats also another massive con to all of it, and a downside of relearning these things because of how strongly they came swinging back. its alot to handle. even if theres so much knowledge packed in his brain, one little thing like that could be enough to make him bluescreen. so he ends up just going on autopilot or stuffing all of it away, just to make the bad stuff stop. (it becomes a very unhealthy habit that bites him in the ass later. everyone is mad at him for not taking care of himself. hajime is then swaddled into a blanket with a kiss on the forehead)

anyway theres probably more to add and id get into the nitty gritty of specific shit but i had to impulsively dump this here so might as well put up the basics. makes me so excited to work on this fic more, even if its in a more somber, different context, i just love to think about hajime and how he works through his emotions and picking up his old traits. yknow, being himself. but at the same time he isn't doing it alone. let my boy be happy. let him find himself again and move on from izuru

[wrinkly-fucking-qtip]

SHAMELESS OPINIONS: S7 (cause Mickey's write off hurt and after s5, I watched again from s1 and forced myself to keep watching + no one around me likes Shameless so I need a place to vent)

overall: i actually loved it, had me pretty hooked all throughout

ok, i kind of like s7 Trevor, he's charming, got this lil sassy banter going off, he's cute and nice y'know. I just *HATE* that they so obviously tried to recreate some dynamics he had with Mickey straight away without letting us warmup to him, how can you deepthroat aspects built from 5 seasons into half of one??? No. Sorry. Him settling so quickly into the Gallagher house as if he's spent a decade there, idk. And the patient scene with Ian? foh man, no. 1x09 was special for a reason, and this would've played differently if Ian actually came to Mick if he was still around. They play out so much better as friends or fw/b ig but that deepthroat can't help me see a relationship between them. Not liking s8 Trevor so far, my god. Also his nonchalant attitude towards Monica threw me off. I get it, he's new and doesn't know much, Ian never mentioned her before apparently, but like "she's a lil crazy i can like her" eek, idk. Like almost downplaying his situation with her.

Caleb can suck my ass along with JW and his hate for bisexuals. My bi ass cannot approve. Cheater McCheater my ass. I can almost walk through Ian's ignorance cause for all he knew, Caleb was just gay, and I feel he said the bisexual thing out of frustration and betrayal towards his actions than actual disdain for the orientation, but yes. He was ignorant in his convo with Lip, and so was him anyway. I guess they just didn't know it is a thing. But thing is, I BET YOU ASSES that Caleb is the type of douche to STILL justify his actions even if JW didn't display his hate towards bisexuality in his writing, he just is *that* douchy. At least he motivated Ian to get his job, I'll give him that.

OH MY GOD THE THROUPLE... AND ITS SLOW BURN. it's hard cause you can understand both sides of the situation and it was just a clear issue of misunderstandings and miscommunication... I just wish they could've handled things better because I was really rooting for them. They fucking worked so well, with their little schedules and organization. I have such a fat crush on Isidora it's actually embarrassing. Anyway... I miss their dynamic. They deserved better.

Lip was a dick to Fiona about the Laundromat, but Fiona also just jumps the gut to these impulsive decisions, and I get that if she does ask for opinions, they probably won't agree with her, and it's not like I can blame lip, I mean look at the Club situation, yeah she made profit, but didn't break even, and that where his worry comes from. But at least, if she still approached him, and did it anyway against his say, he can't rub it in her face that this entails a family meeting and she can't just make those decisions without consultation. Overall, Lip was so arrogant and dickish with her, and for what... he couldn't even bring the money he so desperately wanted her to believe he could.

I love Sue. I just love EMT Ian stuff with all my life, idc what it is, I kick my feet cause he's so happy.

I fucking loved Carl and Mr. Luthers dynamic. Such an epic lil duo tbh.

I loved Frank's storyline here fsr 💀💀 it's so silly and he gets his way like always, but idk, I loved seeing his adventures at the shelter, he still remains a POS that's for sure.

I fucking LOVED seeing Debbie this season, I was a little disappointed last season cause there is so much lost potential on her pregnancy journey last time with where she was staying, but I fucking loved her here and putting her scamming skills to the test. Don't love how she ends up treating Neil in s8 cause... Well, I just feel bad for him, but also, if she really wanted to stay true to her convenience relationship, she probably should've stuck it out more so it lasted more, idk. But enough of that, I loved her setting a goal for herself at the end of the season, and I honestly commend Monica for helping her get Franny out of the house, I understand Derek's family's concern but they were so cunty in how they handled things.

Monica's death hit me like a truck... Idk why, there are so many mixed emotions here, she couldn't dare to tell the kids the real reason she was there, and all she wanted was to be there one last time. My heart goes out to her tbh.

Gallavich. Oh dear God. FERAL, FERAL EVERY TIME. it's like receiving crumbs and eating them up like a vacuum, nothing I can say that hasn't already been said... I just... Wow. Fuck. And to know that, after needing Noel for ratings, that this was gonna be the end for them? No, I could throw up. I couldn't imagine watching shameless as it aired with that knowledge in mind. FUCK ME THOSE TWO EPISODES I ATE THEM UUUP. anyway, I'm normal about Gallavich.

Lord bless Etta... my dear soul. 7x11 was vicious for that, my heart crumbled fr. I can see this was all in Fiona's best interest for Etta and stuff... It was just so sad to see.

Lip and Sierra, I don't really know what people's opinions are about Sierra but I kind of liked her? She was sweet, and had traces of boundaries with Lip even if the fucker attempted to break them every now and then. But she was sweet.

Lips second spiral was even harder than the first one to see. Him crashing at Helene's apartment, and she still doesn't seem to grasp that she essentially groomed him, and he's just so devastated still. Fuck.

That ending montage was truly a piece of cinema I tell you. It was beautiful.

I probably have more to say I don't remember but I really liked s7, not on the priority of a constant rewatch, but it was really good...and truly served as the finale it was meant to be. EXCEPT FOR GALLAVICH, holy fuck that would've pained the whole audience.

[starsscarmyceiling]

have you finished battle scars? 😐

Oh damn nonnie. I mean sit the fuck down and get comfortable because I have a lot of feelings on this. Please keep in mind that these are my opinions and takes. I am not looking to fight or argue. If your experience differs from mine and you have different opinions, you are still totally valid.

Alright my babies, let's get into it...

It’s difficult. I feel like I—well, have a lot of feelings, like I said. And upon further contemplation the more time passes (which I know it’s only been out for like a week and a half, but still), the more aspects of it tend to confuse and baffle me.

Because yes, am I happy there was a Merrical implied ending? I mean, of course. What kind of Merrical shipper would I be if I wasn’t? I guess my main frustrations therein lie with the overall story that was told. Because first of all, I thought the story was kind of weak. But Merrin having her moment and being able to process her trauma? Yes. The Mantis, attempting and sorting out the internal issues amongst them? Yes. Cal, attempting to challenge his beliefs of everything he has been taught within the context of this new galaxy? Yes. Merrin and Cal ultimately choosing to stay with each other because they want to? YES.

I understand why Merrin did what she did throughout the book. She was still in a cycle of heavy depression, and there was a vicious cycle of her not having any source to fill herself back up because one, she never had the opportunity to process her trauma (apparently), and two, nor was there an environment that was actively being fostered for her to do so. The Jedi are known of course, to be in line with that toxic positivity, but what frustrated me was all of the juicy potential that we could have had.

What actually bothered me about her so called “development” is that it happened off screen. It was all like, well just take our word, she is like finding all of these things out over here we promise. Because the whole time she was doing this, it was completely dependent on another character that was not Cal, just some random bitch we don’t care about, instead of coming to these things on her own or with someone she has an actual bond with. The way in which these things came about pissed me off so much because she could have had these moments with Cal, whom apparently she had this amazing developed relationship with, of which we never got to actually see. They went back and forth saying the Mantis crew wasn’t touchy feely, but then talked about how her and Cal had all these long, meaningful conversations…so like…what the fuck were these conversations actually about? They never talked about themselves or their traumas at all???? Merrin literally thinks at one point, up until she met Fret, Cal was the only person she felt like she could share things about herself with…but the way in which this was written really doesn’t make me believe that at all. It was just cheaply done like, lol, well just again trust us that these two people have developed relationship here in the interim. It was like, so unsatisfying to read. At no point did they actually show how and why her and Cal grew to care about one another other than us being told they were. That is what I am truly pressed about.

Also, I truly am not a fan of how Cal’s characterization was handled. I feel like he was just written like he was like seven years old or something. Cal can be awkward and aloof, sure…but I feel like this was just taken too far. Not only did he get cucked (in his own fucking BED; idc I will never get over that), but he also got reduced to a seven year old boy that didn’t have nearly as much depth as he could have had. I liked him questioning his ideology, but I felt like these topics were brought up and not really resolved. When I write Cal, I feel like all of the potential lies in using what has already been given to us. I see Cal as someone who is well versed at understanding people’s emotions, an empath, compassionate, protective, and obviously having such a big heart, especially for those he cares about and loves. And is this because of his psychometry? Or just how he is naturally, who knows it could be a combination of both. Think about it, this is a person that has been experiencing what could be complex adult emotions his whole life. And you’re telling me that he’s still that oblivious? Hmm, I don’t think. And wtf he doesn’t feel that many echoes? Mf was going around that whole game feelings those all the fucking time.

If I could quote a frond, @wayfaringjedi, this was a pretty hot take:

“How much stronger would it have been for Cal to confront that he has to allow her to feel anger to heal, and that anger is a useful emotion

How much stronger would it have been for Merrin to realise that safety exists, that she will not be rejected for being herself or being difficult or being angry, that she has her place

How could it have been for Cal to realise that he had made Merrin feel that he was not a safe person to disclose this to? How would that have challenged his ideology?

Or for Merrin to realise her refusal to try to access peace like Cal does is what alienates her from others?”

And honestly, couldn’t have said it better myself. Like, do you know how many amazing fics I've read out there, where it's Merrin and Cal, getting to have these moments in the engine room? Where it's them having pillow talk and growing closer? God this whole thing really felt like a slap in the face I was not prepared for.

These characters weren’t really handled with care. I didn’t hate the whole book, but I just feel like it just could have been better. I am veryyyyy much interested in what’s going to happen in Survivor, I mean we all are, obviously. I was taking comfort in Merrin saying they were probably never going to see Fret again. I really don’t understand why Fret was there. There is a way to create situations and tension and conflict and making important realizations between them without inserting some random purple bitch. Because istfg, if at some point in Survivor, we have to go like pick up Merrin and she is with Fret, I am going to throw my PS5 out the window and scream and rage in the streets. (Respawnnnnn, I know where you live do not TEST me). I am obviously hoping for canon Merrical, which I do think is a distinct possibility. Because if we don’t, then what the fuck was all of that for?

I feel like BS (heh, aptly named) has suffered the TROS problem of not being able to satisfy anyone lol. Okay because who the FUCK is this book for dude?

Because it’s obviously pissed off all the Merricals. We would have never wanted this.

And it doesn’t really satisfy those who don’t ship either because there is so much Merrical subtext.

But, I mean, I do have to say this book did make me grow to love Greez even more. He was 👑💩 the whole fucking time. Throwing shade at Fret throughout, I was living for it. When he went off on Fret after he woke up from getting his arm cut off, I was fucking eating my popcorn like pop offfff. And I cannot emphasize enough how much I loved Cal in his petty jealous area. Obsessed. He deserves it completely like also go off 👑. Him and Greez were my only bright spots throughout this experience. So glad he got to have his moment too when he "I KNOW HOW IT FEELS!" God I love it. We should all just listen to Greez at all times, like yes please let us drop that Fret bitch off on Batuu with a fruit cake bing bang boom.

I also did enjoy the moments between Cere and Cal together really trying to navigate what it means to be a Jedi in this galaxy in this so entirely dangerous climate for them. Glad Cere is embracing her as a Jedi and using the force again. Totally got the foreshadowing of her being in some kind of archives that we saw in the trailer, preserving the ways of the Jedi. Very fitting for her.

And yesss, there were a few cute moments. Those first two chapters were LIT I gotta say. Like TOGETHER THEY WERE THE LIGHT AND THE DARK CAL WAS THE STAR THAT ILLUMINATED HER SHADOW, that did murder me. And the fucking wound cleaning scene, omfg. I know that murdered ALL of us. Jfc.

I also feel like it would have been a lot more interesting for Fret to just be there to betray them. It would have taught Merrin a lesson of not just diving into something with someone that is entirely based on lust. The fact that she got a redemption was idk…just boring to me I guess. And I know I am biased because I don’t like her, but I mean come on I am a feral fucking Merrical over here is anyone surprised???

Okay lol, have I complained enough? Haha I am guessing you knew what you were getting into anon when you came to my ask box. Lol everyone knows I can never stfu. Anyway, hope that satisfied you.

And hm should you guys be looking out on the horizon for something? Well let’s just say I am definitely using all of these feelings that I have and am putting them somewhere 💅🏻

Anyway, I hope all the Merricals out there are having a great day. Meet me at Applebees and we can cry together 💕💕💕

[timingmatters]

OKAY finished s1 of Lone Star. I’m still 50/50 about it but i’ve been constantly told s2 and up gets better so im going for it!!! I have said it before, but i wanna reach in order at least until i get the to the crossover with the LA 911. So here are my unfiltered opinions!:

- i have said this before that right away i knew i liked the og 911 better! Is not hate to LS, and i can see how people prefer LS. To me they are very different shows even if the format between calls and emergencies is kinda the same. The tone of LS is a lot more serious. I like LA 911 because while they have incredibly serious storylines too, the tone of the show is a lot lighter. (Im a theatre major so stay with me for this). The directing is very different. OG 911 has kinda sharper scene changes and even the music and tone is just constantly more lighthearted. I can see why some people might prefer the more serious tone of LS though, it all depends on what you want from the show. I could talk about the color gradient too because they are wildly different BUT i was told s2 of LS changes the cold/blue darkish tones that s1 constantly has, so i’ll wait on s2 to speak on that. Overall idk why people get mad at people preferring one over the other. I do not think one is better than another either. They are just very different shows to me is hard to compare them. Again, same premise but one is constantly (from the directing, camera work, music, length of shots, all of it) more serious, the other one more lighthearted in terms of comedy and whatnot. You get 2 different types of entertainment and is natural to prefer one over the other. Kinda like greys vs house (obviously 911 shows have more similarities but you get what im saying. Same premise, VERY different vibes not just from the writing).

- i do think is weird s1 ends making TK and Carlos be like “we make a good team” and comparing them to Judd/Grace scenes or even Owen/Michelle scenes. Because we haven’t really seen them????? They had great chemistry when TK was taken to the station after the bar fight. I know they’ll be great in the future because the chemistry is there. But after ep 2 and their fight idk if they have as much weight in the storytelling and character build up enough to close s1 paralleling them to 2 “couples” (in quotes bc michelle and owen aren’t a couple) that have had MAJOR and many moments in the season. Perhaps TK and Carlos should have had this moment in s2, or at least s1 should have had more scenes showing us the growth of their relationship. Idk kinda makes it feel like the writers are like “look a queer couple!!!!! A main one!!” Rather than actually treating it as a main couple (I know according to what i see on the future, this changes and they have more centered storylines, i very much mean how they were dealt in s1 and how it felt like their moment at the end of s1 wasn’t earned like idc about them as much yet for the whole season to end with them in parallel to couples that have shown us a lot more growth and conflict on screen). Like we did not see Carlos and TK deciding to continue seeing each other after that bar fight, they just suddenly were shown to still see each other. Then we weren’t shown how after the finale TK might have reached out to Carlos to try. We are just shown Owen being like “oh you made many decisions” and suddenly they were together again. We aren’t being shown their growth in s1, they just mention a conflict and then said conflict is handled off screen. It happens like multiple times in s1 that it was a little frustrating by the end of it. If this is gonna be a couple actually WRITE their storyline my god. Glad to see that aspect apparently changes for the better in later seasons. But it was definitely frustrating to see in this season.

- Judd and Grace! They are GREAT!! But we see so much of them through Judd’s pov and so little from Grace. If i think of think of the og 911 i think “well we see Hen’s pov always not Karen’s” but i dont think is the same. Because Grace is more like Maddie. Like she is not a character attached to a main if that makes sense. She is a main herself. We see glimpses of her pov, like with the widow of one of judd’s fallen friends and talking about lacking intimacy in their marriage, and not refusing wanting kids talking to Judd’s dad. But overall what we know of her character is mostly about their relationship and not about herself. Even knowing how religion and faith is important to her was completely presented through the lens of the relationship and through the conflict on how JUDD’s faith changing affects hers. But never just her own character aside from Judd. We didn’t get that with Judd though, he had many things of his own as a character (like the ptsd and realizing with people like Texas, the other cap, he holds white privilege and such) (which btw i would have liked to see Judd exploring more how he has certain privileges all his other friends at the station might not have and recognizing it more because he got defensive at first, talked to Grace, and it was never quite brought up again. Ep 1 he also made a comment of being mad that it seemed like Owen was doing a we are the world thing by hiring diversity which rubbed me wrong about his character at first). A good first step for Judd recognizing his privilege that i would love to see later on is asking himself why keep friends like that other cap where HE made comments about the bipoc members of the team too. Actually he made many off color comments that weren’t awful but were certainly many yellow flags (and 2-3 yellows make a red y’all) so idk why Judd OR Owen want to keep being friendly with that guy at all. At the very least keep hin at a distance but especially to call him friend??? Icky as hell idk.

- grace having less storylines outside of her marriage takes me to another point. All the bipoc characters were not as developed as the white ones. Tk, owen, and judd had a LOT more deep dives into their characters than anyone else. The others had like an ep relating to their arcs, but all those storylines were never quite brought up again whereas judd, tk and owen had storylines that kinda lasted the whole season or at least several eps. There were 3/10 eps with storylines for the bipoc characters. Paul for dating, Mateo for the test, and Marjan when her temple was judging her. Which also like… Marjan’s resolution to that arc was be told “just be you!!!” And we never saw more of how she handled the situation at temple??? Never even brought up again??? I keep seeing people say lone star is more diverse than og 911 (which not really dhfhhfdh) but their bipoc characters in s1 felt so… background??? Like there every ep but their storylines were so minimum???? Im not saying is bad. Because they are on s4 this could take a turn already in s2. But im saying for s1 it def wasn’t great. Also this claim is not to compare to og 911, i just brought that up because one of the selling points of lone star some people mentioned me was that it was more diverse and like??? Not really?? If anything og 911 had since s1 a better distribution of storylines amongst their bipoc characters and in terms of numbers like their team in LS is 6 vs in og 911 it is 5. Both have 3 white man and while LS has the other 3 be a bipoc, og 911 has 2. Not anymore because they got ravi, and thats not counting Athena who is also a main just not a firefighter (like Grace counts for LS too). I just feel like in terms of diversity they have the same and 911 s1 felt better at focusing on their bipoc characters and their storylines. Again, i don’t mean to say og 911 does it better because i still have 3 seasons of LS to go, but they did better if I compare both seasons 1. I do think it doesn’t necessarily have to be compared though, i just did it because that was one of the selling points ppl told me but i don’t quite see it yet at least.

- oh my god michelle?????? I was told the actress wanted to leave after s1 which fair enough but they still could have done better. Her storyline with the sister felt so rushed at the end??? The reunion after 3 whole years with her sister felt so anticlimactic?????? With the mom too????? Also i liked her character a lot but i felt like some acting choices were just lacking tbh. Maybe is the script feeling rushed tho. Idk i liked her storyline a lot, the sister showing up before the finale as a cliffhanger was perhaps the most invested i was on a story in all s1, and then it felt flat bc it was kinda rushed and anticlimactic. That was honestly really disappointing. Also it is clear that they were probably gonna make Michelle and Owen a romantic couple before the actress decided to leave. They had some of their most vulnerable moments as characters with each other. And while that can be platonic they kept flirting and talking about their “attractiveness” in the beginning of the season. Shame she left though, the sister arc could have been less rushed and a lot better towards the end, and her and owen could have been explored. I didnt care much for them as a couple bc chemistry with them was meh but i think the storyline could have been very interesting especially between 2 caps and one’s best friend is the other’s son in law. Which again, so much screen time and vulnerable scenes between michelle and owen when their chemistry was meh, but then none for tk and carlos who have the best chemistry. Sad.

- the storyline with the astronaut emergency and the lady at the bus that tk rescued in the last ep were both so beautiful and heartwarming/heartbreaking. Nothing of importance to say about them, i just really liked those and thought they were some of the best directing/music/camera shots moments of the whole season. Great pacing too. 2 beautiful scenes and everyone acted really well in those. Grace stood out a lot in that call, made me think also if something about her not refusing wanting kids and then seeing a family saying goodbye means she wants kids. Idk bc again, her character outside of Judd wasn’t developed as much but i think those moments for her were really strong and def said something about her character individually. Idk if it means she wants a family and they’ll touch on it s2, but great moments nonetheless.

- hope s2 explores the relationships between the firefighters more. They are all great but they keep saying “family” and like idk. We have had a lot of tk and owen (obviously) and judd and owen. Everyone else has had a scene or 2 but not much bonding (like not just hanging but actual storylines together) that we have seen and i wish to see that more. Marjan and Mateo had it on Mateo’s storyline and that was lovely, especially how everyone helped. I hope thats a more constant thing to see and explore in s2 (not marjan and mateo specifically, i mean the team supporting each other and going beyond just work more often). (Same with tk and paul, but their moment was A LOT shorter). Which reminds me, Carlos only has moments with Michelle and tk. Hope we see him bonding more with the rest of the cast ON SCREEN not off screen lmao. Like ik he went to party with paul at a moment he needed it, but didn’t actually see them interact much on screen.

Overall i did like the show!!!! I just had all those things. All critics and thoughts for the og 911 I did it like per ep a post almost. Figured for this is more concise to do the whole season with specific comments i had. Also this is all just my personal opinion, not looking to like debate anyone or say my opinions are facts. Is just what i felt/saw/perceived myself watching the show and because none of my friends watch the show i wanted to write my opinions as an outlet to let them out. Saying this bc some people kinda were mad before when I criticized something. Both LS fans and also og 911 fans when i said i thought Taylor’s character deserved better lmao. So again, these are all just my opinions.

[eskewcity]

is the shitty undergrad storytime an offer to your friends/mutuals over dms, or the general public of ur followers? i dont mean to be overfamiliar, but if you wanna post it for the general public id love to hear it lol

no literally it's for anyone because I hate him so much that the offer is open for the general public. I usually am not comfortable with sharing super personal information but in this case I am the one who said anyone could ask so its cool :)

so to begin his name is trent. and yes that's his real name because I can't be bothered to make a fake one and he deserves to be blasted. i would like to state as a bit of background info that I am unintentionally a darling of the history department at my school. I don't know how it happened because I wouldn't necessarily call myself a model student but my one professor offered me a research job for the summer of my freshman year and I have worked close with him on various projects ever since. this has also made me close with the other professors and yes to brag I did win an award because of it :} anyways we are besties blah blah blah it gave me an ego blah blah blah

in comes Trent my sophomore year. he immediately wants to get in the good graces of the department and is just a general kiss ass to everyone there. he does a lot of things to really get professor s. (the professor i work with) to like him but he doesn't really buy into it because he can see through bullshit including mine while I'm writing my capstone lol.

anyways Trent already doesn't like me because I took his spot as a friend to the faculty even though I was there a year earlier. add on the fact that I was (briefly) the treasurer of the history club on campus (I didn't do anything because pandemic and then I went abroad) which is the position he wanted but I got elected.

okay sorry that was a lot of build up for the thing he did that made me cry. so last year, prof s. approached me to essentially work as an online monitor for his class which was half online and on person. basically, I was to watch anyone that raised their hands via zoom and call on them since my professor was in the classroom and couldn't always spot them. I was told explicitly to first pick anyone who doesn't often speak and not necessarily go in the order that people raised their hands. if im honest, it was a really frustrating job for something so simple. I could see students roll their eyes at me when I wouldn't call on them first and it was overall an uncomfortable experience for me because I consider myself a rather reserved person who now has to interrupt almost every class.

so one day I'm calling on people and Trent raises his hand. however a lot of other people also raise their hand that don't often speak so I have to go to them first. I could tell he was getting antsy but I didn't think much of it. when it gets to him, instead of answering the question he decides to berate me endlessly. he goes on to talk about how if my professor's "helper" had picked him earlier that he would have been able to answer and just is insulting me. mind you this is in front of a 30 person class. then he mutes himself looking smug and i was shocked. thankfully the class was almost over so it ended and I just cried after that. like the job was difficult enough but he just made me feel like total shit. I ended up sending him an email to tell him to come to me privately if he has a problem with me instead of announcing it in front of the entire class. needless to say he never emailed me back instead he apologized to MY PROFESSOR for interrupting class. my friend who was even in the class talked to professor s. about it because people were just so rude to me when I did this job <3 anyways professor s. took my side but I have not forgiven Trent for being such an asshole and not even being apologetic about it like I’m not a human being with feelings

idc if seems like im overreacting and overly sensitive but literally terrible terrible time I hope he rots and his entire bloodline is cursed xoxo

[catneylang]

I honestly love your SDC Caesar design exactly bc of how simple/straightforward it is and how well it mirrors Joseph. Idc how much it "makes sense", I think it's just lovely (the same way I find it fun when people draw DiU Kakyoin with white clothes or pins to mirror Jotaro's journey from a school uniform to the same thing) I'm sorry the fandom has not been kind to you, I know how heartbreaking that can be. I really do love your art

Ahhhh! Im really really happy to know that you like the mirroring to josephs! I said on instagram and twitter that although yes, they are separate characters outside of their relationship as a ship/partners, Their partnership is something I absolutely adore whether its romantic or platonic so I just wanted to reflect that in their outfits.

Overall the jojo fandom isnt bad at all compared to some other fandoms ive been in, its just dealing with dudebros that has been the most frustrating. I like making both ship and non-ship content - the non-ship content usually bringing in dudebros. So its just a balance that I gotta deal with. Overall I have loved my experience but god the dudebros make me want to just post ship content 24/7 instead of regular, platonic content.

But anyways, thank you so so much. It does mean a lot when others send messages like this! keeps me going <3

[alicemitch09writes]

outsider looking in is absolutely beautiful. not just because of its happy ending and overall love in the story, but in its undeniable growth from ulma in terms of everything and how tightly it tied the the three little foxes series.

suna’s perceptiveness has always been a given (stupid ass middle blockers smh) so him immediately taking note of mika’s superficiality is something that i shouldn’t be surprised with but is pleasantly so. to be honest, it made me so glad that suna has looked at yn first and has appreciated her; not mika first then yn as an afterthought. it portrayed the genuineness of his feelings whether it be about their friendship or his crush on her.

the details of this story is immaculate. and so, so heartfelt. him putting a band-aid on his heart and trying to hate reader which i think was just him trying to mask the frustration of her trying to act like she’s okay which was (in my defense) evident on that part in ulma where reader got sick and his emotions subconsciously leaked— a part that has always stood out to me because as much as suna tried his hardest to defend reader, it always come across as him not being okay with what atsumu was doing but that part has always got me thinking that perhaps he has something more that he is not letting on. and of course as mentioned, his self-hatred for not doing better. though, in a sense, i doubt he could do better at that point in time. sure, he himself could try more but it’s pretty much useless if the person you were trying to reach is not gonna reciprocate. at that point in their life, yn was pretty adamant about shouldering the world on her shoulders alone, so even if suna has reached out and tried, i doubt it would bear any fruition. but bonus points for him blowing up on atsumu, i might’ve fell in love a little harder and want him to tell me what you revealed in the preview (ummm??? jk... ha ha... unless 😳)

speaking of growth, suna’s growth is painstakingly slow but not in a bad way. in fact, it is very realistic how he handled himself and slowly worked on his put-up nonchalance and indifference and decided to be less of a coward for both himself and his first love. baby steps, as mentioned in the story once again. the way you handled suna dealing with the shadows of both their past along with his insecurities? impeccable. the parallels of his own feelings for reader with reader’s with atsumu. especially when reader’s a bit... how do i say this? oblivious to atsumu’s feelings for her still. suna as an “outsider” who can see everything that unfolded and of course, like we alr established his acute perceptiveness over things and he knew all along just how in love atsumu was— no, still is— with reader.

as for reader, oh my! did reading everything gave me butterflies. her growth is the most beautiful thing in this whole series. from her openness with her emotions and freely smiling, shedding the mask she carefully and professionally put on as a teenager. her therapy really did help her a lot. most notably, with her relationship with rin and her standing her ground and not giving up on both rin and her. don’t get me wrong, she’s still as strong as ever and would definitely put a shirt on people’s (she care about) back before her own but whereas before where she would’ve let rin get his way and give up cos a break up would be what rin wanted; she put her foot on the ground and decided that instead of being passive and letting the other party tell her where she stood, she chose to fight for the both of them if rin was not capable of that yet, not blaming herself for not being good enough and feeling sorry towards rin for not being able to do more. instead, letting herself carry his heart on her hands because she knew that rin can’t bear the heaviness of his own. but knowing that this time it’s different. because it’s rin. the person who loved— no, loves— her first. rin, who loves her first and foremost. rin who, despite the shadows of their past and his insecurities, is and will always be worth any risks on her fragile heart.

growth, in the natural and casual build up of their relationship was amazing. again this is all part of their growth. love in all its maturity. rin risking his band-aided heart to get to know his first love deeper and again since he did run away from them and his feelings. the casual but very heartwarming way he asked her out. to slowly progress into the strong relationship they have to going over each other’s house and finally moving in. [and also, rin getting called pretty boy is my favourite thing in the world idc! sunarin walked so all the other hq pretty boys could run!]

as for meeting the family part, i knew the extent of kaoru’s protectiveness. but even so, i did feel a bit of disappointment because kaoru, during this whole ordeal, was even more of an outsider. kaoru, uncle, mika, and mom was always protected by reader. kaoru even more so as he was the one who’s there and was also very close to the miya twins. and as a result, kaoru would always think that atsumu would be a better fit and end game for reader because kaoru has always been shielded from atsumu’s flaws, faults, and stupid pride. especially that promise atsumu made to him about doing something about reader when kaoru found her secretly crying in her room, not knowing that the cause of that very pain is the asshole standing before him.

also, the reunion! the seniors being all happy and of course, reader’s lifeline just being precious and glad that their baby sister is finally getting the love she deserves and more. ahhh, i love them so much. i wish we could’ve gotten yoshimichi and asano’s reactions too! ik yoshimichi will run her mouth but i feel like asano could be menacing on her own.

did i mention how much i love this and the growth of everyone? cos i love outsider looking in and how much it showcased the growth of reader, suna, and everyone else. thank you so, so much for another heart wrenching masterpiece. it was an amazing end on the three little foxes series.

(sorry for getting carried away and rambling so much. i am just so enamoured by your story and couldn’t help myself really. i hope this was at least coherent enough for you and everyone else to read hahaha)

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR KIND WORDS SWEETPEA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU REMIND ME OF MY ONE READER IN AO3 WHO DISSECTS EVERYTHING SO WELL ;W;

As for the title, for some reason I thought of 'outsider looking in' and gave it a thought, realizing that it can mean a lot of things: Suna's POV as someone not from Hyogo, and Suna being an outsider looking at his own relationship, the overall feeling of an outsider, himself.

I'm so glad that you all are seeing Reader's development from ULMA, I was so worried that I didn't do it right the whole time I wrote it. Part of her theraphy to get better is Art Therapy, hence, why she does Shodo, or Japanese calligraphy, but she does it at her university, because there's a Shodo club and everything.

I really want to thank the writer of '16 chapels' because she wrote a really raw, vulnerable Suna, which was something I also wanted to try. I thought of rereading the story again, but was disheartened to find out that they deactivated/left Tumblr last year :(

For Kaoru, he has this blind idolization for the twins, especially Atsumu. So he thinks that he can never do wrong and perfectly matches up with his sister's uptightness. However, he doesn't realize how much his idol was the cause of his big sister's hurt.

As for the kits' reactions? Read here!

I'm honestly thinking of writing one last chapter, for all the fics but also give something for Atsumu, since I've bullied and hurt him a lot in this series. Just a send off of his feelings for Reader, his forever person and first love :">

Fun Fact: 'July' by Noah Cyrus was also an inspiration for me to write this song, because it made me think of Suna hoping that Reader would leave him, thinking that she still wants Atsumu and he's just a rebound. 'you remind me everyday i'm not enough but i still stay' did it for me ;"D it's also the very same line for ULMA, for Reader staying in the club the whole time.

[survivorinternational]

Episode 1 - "You are an evil psychopath... but I kinda dig it." - Veni

STEPHENS BACK 

I love love how these tribes are split up but I’m kind of nervous about playing with people I’ve played other things with before! There was only one person I didn’t already have added and that is Daniel. I’m just going to try to stay on everyone’s good side and maybe try to get close with everyone? I think that we are going to have a strong tribe so that’s a plus! 

Israel is not in Europe

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So since this is "International" I decided to call everyone in our tribe be either their home country or town. So Clash is Richmond. Vilma is Oulu. Ginger is Israel. Allan is Scotland. I have yet to talk to Latvia but they appear as a very busy person. So it's Day 2 right now and I have just woken up. Me and Oulu stayed up 'till 6 AM last night just talking and chilling. I really like her so I hope we can make it far. I also like Richmond because that is a cool name so we established a 3-person group. Richmond insists on repeating F3 every 5 minutes which is pretty scary but I'll just disregard it for now. I am enjoying the diversity of our cast, proud to be a European seeing as the other tribes are basically just Australia and just USA. Right now I'll try to put some work into this flag I guess since nobody has taken initiative.

So its off to a relatively good start, I’ve talked with 3 other tribe members and they seem pretty cool, i got a good rapport with Tyler and Jacob especially. They also had good input into the challenge to so, yay. The other to however haven’t spoken, and we can’t blame time zones cause their like, at most an hour seperate. Be careful Sluggyg and Dylan, we lose a challenge we’ll be looking at you. I’m not gonna pm them first though, trying not to come off too needy yet, I’ll give at least some pretense of not being absolutely bonkers. 

Good lookin. Nah jk. So I have to admit I was a late bloomer in terms of speaking in the group chat and I conveniently missed the people I didn't know - Tyler, Dean. I have a history with Jacob and I know Michael from a previous community so I have hit the ground running with the idea of sticking together but nothings too solidified yet so hopefully in a bit I'll find myself in a majority! The only thing Stephen said to me so far is "heyo" and "ya I teach english", so.. 

Ok so Hi. I hate u all why am i here. Im nervous cause im out here trying not ti be the first boot and have to have my dog comfort me while i cry to sleep. Literally shaking in slides. Everyones a bit of a hoot, all male tribe! Wowee. Just going be pals with all these kiddies. Although the flag they made is literal trash, ill be nice :) 

hey boys time for my first confession that will be longer than it should be and not entertaining in the slightest so the cast reveal was interesting! i wasn’t expecting many familiar faces at all, maybe like one or two people i sort of know of. but when i saw ruthie and randy, i was honestly relieved. ruthie and i have always been good allies together in games and i love her a lot. she’s loyal and funny and smart. just overall wonderful person to play with and i’m really happy to have her here. also, seeing randy was so good too. honestly i know he has a ~rEp~ for being not the greatest, but i don’t particularly care. i feel like we’re going to get along really well in this game. the only thing that annoys me is that him talking to me at first was all like, “oh emily you’re so a good player i love you please don’t vote me out get me to merge xo” like he was purposefully inflating my ego because....... people generally think i have a big ego. and a year ago, yeah i definitely did. that’s why i lost both of my last two main season games. my ego got in the way and i got too confident, too cutthroat, too rude, too self absorbed. and so much has happened in my life, i’ve been taken down a few notches and the last thing i want is for people to think i’m a narcissist. i’ve worked on myself a lot and it’s just sad to see people treating me like this like they think it’ll guarantee me wanting to work with them. sigh. anyway, continuing with the other people: my skype app will NOT give me notifications when daniel or patrick send me messages and it’s frustrating me high key because they’ll respond two minutes after i send a message and i won’t see it for hours, even if i check the chat. new skype is ruining my social game yeah! but in general pat and daniel seem cool. only person i’m weary of is liana! i didn’t realize at first, but she’s married to chips who....... hates me LMAO! i’ve never played a game with her so here’s to hoping she doesn’t have an idea of me in her head already. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ other tribe comments: i saw vilma in a game for the first time like well over a year ago and was like i am in LOVE with her and i want to MARRY her. she’s so pretty and seems so funny and when we’re on the same tribe we WILL be best friends and if we’re not i’m THROWING HANDS!!! it has to happen. has to! i don’t think i recognizes literally anyone else? everyone is pretty much unfamiliar to me. so how i’m feeling right now: randy is really good at making flags! and confident that we’ll pull through with reward tbh. like he’s very talented. i’m gonna put together a makeshift flag too just in case it’s ugly and also to show that i’m active and here and contributing, but i doubt it’s going to be bad. and also it’s only reward! if we don’t win, i don’t mind it that much. my fear is that we end up going to tribal the first round! i don’t know how strong this tribe is in terms of challenges. i don’t know anything about liana, daniel, or patrick. i don’t remember anything about randy or ruthie when it comes to challenges either. so we’ll have to see! daniel told me he played on discord so he’s probably used to more text based challenges or flash games, which is very helpful because i’m bad at both. but from my experience, typical tumblr challenges are far different from typical discord challenges. yeah. also, randy and i shared our idol guesses and both found nothing. i went around camp -> shelter -> on top -> nothing and he went around camp -> treemail -> (uhhh something i already forgot lol) -> nothing. i’m gonna share mine with him every round as like a trust thing. idk if he’ll tell me the truth but i’ll tell him the truth! idc honestly! :p okay end of this long confession i hope you had fun reading if you read this far give me an idol clue xoxo emily (dennis remember in mongolia when i told you the exile idol was under a girl’s name) (i’m sorry) 

So the reward challenge is a flag making challenge. I hate a lot of the things, but I am taking a step back since I have been told I can be controlling in the tribe stages when it comes to challenges. So I want to see how well the tribe performs without me stepping in. 

Day one thoughs: Yes!!! A tribe full of people with similar time zones. Jacob and Sluggy are here, nice. UHC alliance has already been suggested... not sure how to feel. Talked to all other tribe members. Everyone seems nice... dont quite trust Tyler yet... seems shifty Reward challenge: Not a fan of original design. Spent a bit of time working on another design... which i had more time to make it better. Seems to be good enough, will see what tribe says. Idol search round one: nothing

me: so yeah just send me your image so I can do all the work and make the flag everyone: (by the way these confessionals will be over the top and not express my true true  feelings, i.e. I'm exaggerating everything)

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The plan is to kill people with kindness! I really don't plan on winning but i'd love to if I am able to. I just hope I stay long enough to talk to most. My two closest friends are Richmond and Oulu. Oulu is super nice and we talk often so that is cool ----------

Oh lord I am actually exuding so much time in this survivor good thing it is summer geez 

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Ginger spoiled 2 survivor seasons in the same message I am crying :(

So i finally got to talk to everyone on the tribe. Tyler seems rlly friendly and talkative which kinda draws me towards him. Stephen is more analytical and observant... Dean is just the passive, looks on and watches kinda guy. Both Stephen and Dean want to be or are writers so. One thing great about working with Stephen would be someone people target as a strategic threat instead of me - but I don't know if I'll be able to work well with him atm... 

Okay I was gonna wait until after the immunity challenge to do my first confessional but I am DYING. So Veni is making our flag (which honestly I'm not too sure about but I'm awful at art so I can't really say anything) and he asks for pictures to use in it. So I send him a picture of me sitting on a throne, which I took at a bar near me. and this bitch..... Goes "It's like ghetto Game of Thrones, I love it!" BITCH!? Ghetto? Honestly this guy needs to take it down a notch because he's trying way too hard to take control of the reward challenge and is being super bossy and I think people aren't gonna take that for much longer. 

As for the first day of this season I’m loving it so far. Loving the activity and positivity in our tribe and people here are very friendly. Already have started conversation with Clash, Vilma and Ginger. Trying to develop early relationships that will be necessary for the rest of the game. Just need to show activity in tribe chat so my tribe mates not see me as an inactive player because inactive players are usually the first one out. 

So we won the reward challenge and we get a firemaking kit, and inside there's an immunity idol clue. Jacob and Stephen both get it, and Jacob told me it was hidden at the beach. I have no clue if he is lying or not, but if he isn't it means God was right to tell me yesterday that it is at the beach. Now i just need to be the first one to search the next time around. 

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So talking with Stephen, he seems to say the word "snazzy" a lot, so I've nocknemaed 

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Oops i didn't finish...I nicknamed him "snazzy Stephen". What's Snazzy Stephen gonna call snazzy today!?

So we won the reward challenge! Great. The morale seems fairly high amongst our tribe. I've had conversations with pretty much everyone in some way. No talk of strategy or alliances have begun, from what I'm aware. I hope we win this challenge, because I feel good about this tribe. 

I mean, can I not flop this first challenge ? I feel like this tribe is a very good mix of people, chemistry is there so now we just need not to be total failures ! hehe 

After all the bonding I love this tribe, Dean is a lot more reserved than the rest of the tribe and hasn't approached me yet, but everyone else has talked. I've got a nice alliance with Michael and Sluggy, as well as some trust with Tyler and Stephen. After Michael won us the firemaking challenge I found the idol clue. Once everyone has used their firemaking advantage, I'll decide who I share the clue with. So far I have told Sluggy and then Stephen got the clue. All Giraffes Deserve Kisses.

Usually I wouldn’t mind going to the first tribal, but with 6 people all it takes is one misstep to be the target, and I don’t want to risk that. That being said if it does come down to that i think Jacob, Tyler and I will stick together, all we need is one more than that. 

looking over the whole cast, I realised I know Dani & Sluggy from other survivors that's cool

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I got 30 point something seconds like 3 times I hate fairdyne

So basically I've talking quite a bit with Emily and Randy, they're great people. Overall people are super nice, it's awesome! The Ala Mai flag winning is bullshit though what kind of judges were those? I'd have been fine with Faatasi winning, that's a nice flag, but Ala Mai's was ugly af sorry bros 

So, Emily and I are working together to try to find the idol! Which is exciting, hopefully one of us will find it. If I do I’m pretty sure I’ll tell her because it will show that I trust her?!! I talk to her and Randy the most on our tribe and I really don’t know where I stand with everyone else

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i got a big fat 0 for the team but I’m glad our tribe won! Everyone else did great.  Hopefully no one points out how weak I was in the challenge. I’m going to savannah for the night tomorrow so I’m glad not to worry about tribal council while I’m out of town! Yay for not being the first boot!

ok see I am here to win but I got ginger on my tribe!! we love us a good ol rival so yeah even though he's acting fake and said he wants work with me I can't trust him with that I have built a good connection with Veni and Vilma and hope they will stay loyal as well. I am worried about the tribal as my score was bad but lets hope for the best 

Right. So we’ve just won the immunity challenge but all the rats on my team did well so it doesn’t give us an easy target for any upcoming tribals. I got some T from Michael letting me know that both Jacob and Dean found the clue to the hidden immunity idol and they told him but not me. First off rude considering I told Jacob I’d tell him if I found it. I’m in an uncomfortable situation already on this tribe, I feel like i don’t have as strong of connections as everyone else and it’s scaring me. All I need is two friends to guarantee my safety and it’s looking like those friends will be Michael and The kid from Singapore (don’t remember his name oops). This season feels different, I usually feel powerful but Rn I feel like I’m having to push to navigate my way into relationships with people. Also some of these guys on my drive give off the arrogant and cocky vibe and I hate it. 

Only one in my tribe to win a challenge, got the r/ultrahardcore alliance, everyone knows the idol clue because Michael got looser lips than Mia Khalifa.

I *think* we're voting Emils? I mean he's been the least active and from I've been told he has not talked to people much (including me) so. I hope it goes well. Usually I am pretty calm in the survivors I play but goddamn I am paranoid. Maybe since I am enjoying myself so much so I don't want to go yet? 

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Logically I won't be voted out here, right? I've talked to basically everyone a fair bit, I did the whole flag and I got 2/2 possible points. I'm safe.. right? 

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Here is veni's power rankings of the people in my tribe: 1. Oulu 2. Tel Aviv 3. Richmond 4. Allan 5. Emils 

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So I re-read my Fairy Survivor S2 stuff I wrote pre-game and goddamn if I am not a broken record. I am basically doing the same thing this time I love it lol. I do hope the experience I got in the year and a half between those has taught me valuable lessons. 

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Tel Aviv has really high gamesense and sense of strategy. We both discussed how important it is to have that one loyal person to win. I hope he implies I am his. For me it's Oulu I think

Okay so the first round is almost over. Thankfully my tribe was able to win immunity because I am not ready for tribal that's for sure! These small tribes freak me out. But...if we do end up going to tribal I am ready because I FOUND AN IDOL! I'm a little skeptical because it was way too easy and so I'm scared everyone has an idol but we shall see. I'm really terrible at games in the beginning because I hate awkward small talk so I was definitely scared of tribal. I'm not in any alliances yet but hopefully that is because it is still early. I'm trying to prove myself an asset and I was glad I did great at that shark game. It was very challenging to play because I had my baby smashing my keyboard or mouse and closing out of the game in the middle of playing, ahhaha. 

Day 2: Won Reward challenge!! WOOT!! All that effort wasn't for naught. The /r/ultrahardcore alliance was made between Sluggy, Jacob and myself... Im not sure how I feel about this. Immunity challenge announced, Flash games while I'm at work. FUCK FLAPPY BIRD I can do this Hextris and Shark game... I will submit one of these. Fire lighting challenge, I fail at striking a light. Sluggy and Jacob tell me that Jacob has an Idol Clue, it is apparently on the beach. Continue my chats with everyone. Dean also tells me about the Idol clue, either its on the beach and people trust me or there is an alliance that is fabricating stories. Work out everyone but Tyler knows about the clue so I tell him Gained Tyler's trust End day 2 Day 3: We win Immunity, YES!!! I spent the day continuing to build relationships. Mention to Jacob the Tyler doesnt think he likes him and to win Tyler's trust Jacob told Tyler about the clue, but it seems to only further distrust as he waited so long to tell him about it. This could have made Tyler distrust me more as well... Working with Jacob could be dangerous down the line. /r/UHC needs a 4th... Dean and Tyler's names are suggested. Trash talk hosts in tribe chat all day. Im worried my chattiness may put a target on my back, will need to be careful. End Day 3 

I’m loving my tribe and our female avatar presence. Whoever is rob Mariano I kind of want to vote out though. I’m super glad we won immunity and I don’t have to try super hard to be chatty. Loving the format so far 

HI I'M VILMA AND I'M VERY EXCITED TO PLAY I also suck at making confessionals because they take a lot of effort for my Finnish speaking ass so I like to just copy bits from my host chat, be prepared Right off the bat I was confused because I didn't get cast with anyone I would've played with before. I recognized a few familiar faces but most people I have no frame of reference for. This meant I couldn't rely on riding with any pre game relationships and I had to actually socialize with people. Thank god we didn't have a one world phase this time around so I only had to keep up with five other people! Clash playing hard right off the bat I specced his season so I know he was a big moves type of guy haha I wanna make sure I'm on his good side My tribe is very active But I'm Very Scared Of The Zwooper People They tend to be crazy And I'm not about that crazy life at all I CAN'T EVEN WITH VENI WHERE DOES HE GET ALL HIS JOKES FROM I LOVE HIM Alright I think Veni and I are the only ones left awake And He is my favorite I've talked to everyone except the Latvian guy or was he Lithuanian THE BALTIC GUY Ginger and Clash both seem like people I need to be wary of Power players for sure, and good socially And according to Clash they have bad blood from previous games So I can see them targetting each other if we go to tribal And Clash already made a three way alliance between myself him and Veni Which I'm okay with, as of now Veni I definitely want to work with And I prefer staying on good terms with Clash Allan I have neutral feelings towards, only talked to him a bit so far But I stan the Europe tribe I just can't keep up with multiple convos at once so it's been super confusing Already shared my idol guesses with Veni and Clash I think I'm the only girl on my tribe Not a big fan of that fact Really wanted to play with Emily I hope we both make it to a swap so I could meet her Chatting with these people I've started to realize how much I abuse caps lock and exclamation points It's a really bad habit Should probably tone it down, everyone must be thinking I'm screaming at them constantly I'm playing so different compared to how I usually play I usually never initiate convos And try to step up as little as possible While still being friendly with everyone But now I've been very social It's weird Feels like I'm harassing everyone ... Unfortunately, we lost the first immunity challenge ... YIKES I'M GOING TO BE THE FIRST BOOT CALLING IT NOW HOW TF DID THEY GET 6 MILLION I think Emils might be the target Which I'm okay with since he seems to only be online a bit in the evenings Everyone knows I hate losing challenges so I want active people He seems really nice though, but seems like everyone has talked to him the least Clash told me that him and Ginger have decided to leave their past behind so I guess they're not going to target each other just yet I'm glad he's telling me this though it makes me trust him a bit more But I'll still keep my eye on both of them _ Ok hi I'm checking in about an hour before tribal and as far as I know Emils should be going home tonight. It's been super quiet around camp though and it makes me feel paranoid, but I hope it'll be an easy first vote. Veni wants me to make a chat with him and Ginger so we could solidify we make it through next round if we end up having to go to tribal again. My issue is I think Clash and Ginger are closer than they seem and I'm scared if we made a chat without Clash and he found out about it he could become angry. That's why i'd rather it to be a four-way chat between me, Veni, Clash and Ginger but we shall see what happens in the next few hours I guess.

Okay that went perfectly. Ngl when Ginger was like "someone doesn't know it's them tonight" I FREAKED. Then my name gets written down at tribal and I was like ????. I mean luckily it wasn't me but god that was scary. I really hope we win this next immunity I can't deal with that stress rn lmao. I also have no clue who I'd vote out. Also in other news, Chase is cute af! I'm gonna be so embarrassed when he leaves and is able to read this but it's true. I definitely wanna keep him around for a bit lmao. 

jesus christ ginger you are an evil psychopath.. but I kinda dig it

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also I am mostly done with location based names.. for now

[survivor-marianas-trench]

“I TOOK A PHOTO WITH AN ONCOMING TRAIN!!!” - EPISODE 2

Me not being first boot??? *NUT BUTTON MEME* Amanda slaying and staying??? *NUT BUTTON MEME* Carson going and me, Liana, Christine, Lily, and Sam still being here even though we aren't officially aligned???? *NUT BUTTON MEME*

Ahhh me and kait did that i didnt expect it, im not sure how everything worked ut but it was wild whew, so many votes, im wary of kait cause she mightve lied to me but im hoping i can trust her

i only sent 1 pic for immunity so then i get lowest and i have chance of getting to cave or exile or whatever the heck and then hopefully i get idol and win the whole game woohoo

Well, that was a messy af tribal but it worked! I mean after the hell I went through, voting rob, then voting Amanda, then voting daisy only to find out I was too late and had to stick with rob! Like wtf. And for daisy to go home on a 3-2-1-1-1 with 2 null votes.  Like ok. And now we have a selfie olympics!!! Currently I'm sitting pretty with a 30% advantage in the challenge and 84 photos of things with the beginning letter for M or T!!!! I really would like to win this and stay immune for as long as humanly possibly lol. These tribals are messy right now because loyalties are just being formed Speaking of loyalties!! AMANDA!! I already love her #ThanksAHud! And I'm so glad that we are buddies! I'm just hoping that things work out for the both of us

That vote was a mess it seemed on Rob and Kait's tribe. Glad they stayed and Christine survived too. I'm not surprised Kait's tribe already voted for her, meanwhile the rest of us are sitting over here like: https://68.media.tumblr.com/894a6591ab3e2d171e8fec5d31ecbaeb/tumblr_omkup57QeN1r1gu3po1_400.gif

So Darian wins immunity.... https://media2.giphy.com/media/Rhhr8D5mKSX7O/200.webp#6 but I am also like  https://media0.giphy.com/media/IqO3mXbMLztHa/200.webp#4 See, I love Darian, but the issue is, I'm not sure if i can trust him, so he sort of needs to go soon,  but I see him sort of clean sweeping these immunities and that makes me a little worried honestly. I don't know what to expect this time around, and I am about to start sweating.... https://media0.giphy.com/media/VB5WwlZIt8eRy/200.webp#1

I'm a mess *takes a shot of vodka* I had 125 photos and forgot to turn them in. I TOOK A PHOTO WITH AN ONCOMING TRAIN! 

This feeling around camp has been so strange and I'm not sure if it's because I won or just because every tribal isn't gonna be the same. I had more people talking to me for the first tribal like right after results were posted and serious game talk with the whole tribe. Yesterday night only Sam, Lily, Christine and Dan messaged me but we didn't even talk game. (Well I guess that's about the same amount of people, but like the conversations were less in depth like they were the first time.) I just feel aimless in this game and I don't really have a good strategy. I'm not even sure I want to make it far because it always gets ugly once you get far enough. Lily just solidified our alliance of 4 (Dan, me, Sam, and her) and I think it'll be easy enough to ride it out with them for a while. I'm wary because I don't have anyone I'm really close to (because these are people I usually don't play with!) so I kinda feel like I'm on the bottom. Lily and Dan seem to closest and I know in the past Sam will have multiple close allies and not necessarily stay loyal to one overall. Kelsey freaking randomly disappeared again! If anything I'd trust him a bunch because he's new and I can influence him more easily probably into giving me information and voting with me, but I can't do that with this weird continued activity/inactivity. Might he actually be a catfish? We will never know. Also!! Silly Gabby and Jonny having too much fun in One World last night. I knew Jonny was in Rakiura but that's basically it. Now I know they know each other irl probably thanks for the tea y'all!! (ricky, goodness, you have too many friends in this game since I'm pretty sure you know sara irl too with all these Washington/barista coincidences!)

Moments later...

Oh! Yeah I forgot to mention that I'm trying to get the tea about the loser place since unfortunately I did not lose. I'm not close to Veronica (as in I have not talked to her since Day 1) so I have low chances of finding out from her, but I talked to Billy last night and asked him to ask Chrissa about it. Though he said earlier how he's not close to Chrissa so I'll probably end up asking her myself! :/ Since I don't plan on going to loser place, I need to make friends with everyone who goes so they can give me all of their idols/advantages...or at least agree with me on how to use them!!

I want Sam gone!!!

Why was I stupid enough to pick the thing that makes me inelegible to compete in challenges? I'm an idiot. 

so i don't know how to vote this round and no one is talking! like are you guys serious omg 

Sorta feeling indifferent about the challenge I tried super hard! But either way congrats to all that won! Someone had like 100ish I think I saw? Oh hellll no girl doing the most. Nervous for trible tonight it'll be my first! I don't think I'm going home though, I talked to Jordan and he said hunter because he didn't submit anything for the challenge and is pretty quiet. I don't even know the kid but as long as it's not me ya know! TBH if it had been my decision I would have voted Julia. The girl has "I love being beautiful" or some shit like that as her fucking quote on skype like ew girl your hella extra. 

i like kait and amanda

I'm just like so over Sam so I'm trying to get him out as revenge for Eddie. Fake ass. If I can't get him out in Emathia, might as well get him out here.

20 minutes later...

My allies are Rhea, Kait, and Darian (even if he did vote for me). I like Emma but I know she's probably upset about the first vote. Sam and Steven, you can go. I can try and bring in Andie and Amanda close to me, but it will be fishy to do it now. That's on my tribe. I like Jenn too, and Sam, and Shea <3. You never know in this game, I might go out, but I think my position in the tribe may increase? I can see it. I love Rhea so much. She's the purest cinnamon roll I've ever met. <3 100%

OKAY! So now that I actually have time, I've been talking to people on my tribe a lot more. I've been talking to Billy, Chrissa, Jonny and Gabby and they all are reasonable people. Whilst talking with them we talked about how Hunter is pretty inactive in the game and that we could look at him as a potential first boot from the tribe. The whole twist of us being in One World and only have individual immunity has kind of flipped the entire game on it's head. Usually, weaker members of the tribe are targeted because they're a liability but weaker players don't really matter as much this season because tribal immunity exists. Which means that people that are stronger in challenges may start to be targeted to give those weaker people a better chance at winning individual. Honestly, good job Ricky and Monty because I've never seen this before and it's kind of fun. 

Well I didn't win the last challenge... My document glitched and I lost most of my pictures, but the fact that I would have won still keeps me going!

Kait is the best duo every she cuts the shit and gets right to the point and we murder everyone together its so fun. That being said I can't wait until i get to a point where i can work with my loves Luke and Dan. Also im going out and ACTUALLY having a social life so this is all the updates youre getting from me tonight! Wooooo

i cant believe i worked to get a self vote when i already had one like the FUCK why do bad things happen to slightly nice people 

I literally don't know what's happening bc I've been gone all day bc it's spring break, but I know I'm not going so BLESS

Well. Officially in an alliance with dan, Sam, and Liana. I love it. We are called the game changers but I wonder if everyone is doing that right now. Veronica should be going tonight, but I question if it should be shea. But I think Veronica is a good vote right now and shea would be better for the following vote. I don't know honestly if either goes it doesn't matter too much to me. I love this whole tribe but someone has to go. 

I confess to shovin a whole bag a jellybeans up my ass.

so basically this round i lost immunity again but idc bc i know these ho's and they not gonna do anything... I hope. So basically the plan was for veronica to throw immunity and get last so she could go on the reward and scout it out for steven and i bc us 3 r in a alliance. she did but she got a self vote. basically everyone wanted to vote veronica but bc of sheas fight with carson we r voting shea. i feel bad bc i like shea but i cant lose veronica this early. i put my neck out on the line so if i get sent home ill be sad but ill def understand why

ALLL RIGHT so this round i haven't done much/heard anything BUT IM WATCHING BAYKOR WILSON PLAY MUSIC AT JONNY FAIRPLAYS BIRTHDAY PARTY AND THE DEAD GRANDMA IS HERE 

My drunk ass needs to write a confessional in the next hour oops!! I hope that Veronica goes but apparently it's either Veronica or Shea. I just really hope it's not me. My tribe is quiet as fuck so I have no clue what's really hoping. Here's hoping my drunk ass makes it through 

i'm dead @ finding the idol. my goal is to idol liana out i think that'd be a boppin time, but for now i just wanna like continue not really doing a whole lot and let rob keep being out there on everyone's radar while i just say that no one talks to me so i can get more tea from them bc they think i'm in their back pocket. voting sam tonight.............i'm poppin' bottles! nah idrc about him leaving, he never talks to me and it's always like really forced when i go out of my way every fucking time to start a conversation with him. it's just really frustrating like i hate this tribe so much. social game says hello, freaks! i kinda hate having the idol because it's so much pressure to like play it at the right time and premerge is so delicate, especially with so many people and with me not really having a TIGHT alliance i just whew.

I think I'm going :( no ones socializing with me. Billy is just a cop out, says he doesn't want to throw out a name. Pssstt

My, my, my. What a LOVELY week this has been. So currently, our tribe is back at it again with dat council swag. I didn't do well in immunity, like I knew I would. However, if anyone can win, I'm very glad Miss Moana SNATCHED the title. Last tribal council, I flopped. I was inactive and that's unacceptable so this week I'm really pushing myself to be a deciding factor force like Ariana Grande deciding to snatch weaves when she breathes. With my reputation currently, I don't think people really assume that I even have it in me to be strategic. Little do THEY know...they are wrong. AHAHAHAHAHAHHAA. Now, Seamus has informed me that the vote is Shea. However, Seamus is a GOOBER. Shea and I have really become close and the fact that Seamus literally pms me to vote Shea BEFORE asking me how I am shows his inner Kesha: his True Colours. I don't really like the fact that Seamus is just treating me like a free vote because I know what his intention. I already can smell that he wants to drag me as a cute, innocent vote until he makes the merge with his best friends and takes me out. THAT'S going to be a no zone. Although that is the persona I'm going for, I feel like Seamus already has suuuuch a big plan for getting to the end and...I'm not a part of that. And if you're going to count me out, henny, count on getting to stepping. Or something exotic like that, tee hee~! I feel really nervous for Shea. I told her that Seamus was wanting to eliminate her and she immediately almost spoiled everything. She's an emotional player and that's the kind of I want to keep around. Those are the ones who never see through my fakeness and the kind that are targeted before good ol' sweetheart me. The only other option is Veronica so for this week, I'm going to try and flip a few people to do so. The last vote was so unified that it's quite scary actually...if things keep going the way they are, I have no doubt that eventually it'll be my log chopped by the axe. My advantage for this week's vote is that no one really has a reason NOT to trust me. With Veronica, they KNOW she's a scrappy player. And I believe I can use that to my advantage. Y'all don't know me, y'all don't know what I've been through! And NO ONE is going to believe that cutesy little Arianator weeabo is pulling strings. I learned from my past Tumblr competitions that playing aggressively gets out fast. I know now playing passively gets you treated like a child. Here...everything has to be subtle. Small little touches, here and there. And if you do enough of that, maybe the trickle of water can erode the rock. That's what I'm hoping to do here. If somehow, we can do the impossible, not only will I establish myself as a real C.O.M.P.E.T.I.T.O.R in this tribe, but I'll have pulled off a blindside that's really shocking and game changing. Maybe it's a bit too early to be calling shots...but I've got to do something. I think people already have caught on to the fact that something's afoot and the alarms are already blaring. I'm past the point of no return, so even if I wanted to, I can't allow myself to have regrets! I carry the name of a queen of BBCAN and a king of The Vampire Diaries. I'm here to slash throats, save my family and wear ugg boots. And hopefully...this is the start of something legendary~! Wish me luck, darlings! Certainly sincerely, Canada's Self-Proclaimed Favourite; Kelsey Mikaelson! <3

ALRIGHT...So I'm really hoping Shea goes this tribal cause like....He can't be chill for one second in this game.  Literally the plan was to get Veronica out but once he hears his name he quits? C'mon now.. Don't even get me started on Kelsey telling him his name was thrown out cause like!?!? We're doing that so no one gets in trouble here why are you doing this!?!? I just don't understand Kelsey like I really wanted to like her but...She's on thin ice at this point. I just hope this isn't a ploy and something goes wrong but I guess we'll see!

So like wtf is happening, cause I don't have a clue. I'm loyal to Emma and I guess maybe Rhea. Idk Rhea just talks to me sometimes but right now that is good enough for me. Right I'm just waiting for a tribe swap so we can stop going to tribal every round

[thoughtsicantshare]

5/10/17

Although I just posted something, it was from a while ago. So, I have A TON, literally so much, to tell you. 

Let’s start with the easiest: School. I still really love school. We ended May 3rd. History this semester kicked my ass big time, even though it was just a stupid gen. ed. But overall, I did really well. I got all As and my GPA is still a 3.98. Next semester I have some really interesting classes so I’m very excited for it. Still, I have no problem letting these next couple of summer months drag a bit. Work:  I hate this place almost as much as I hate my high school-- and that is saying something big. We have next to know one bc everyone quit. We’re all doing WAY more than what our job titles entail and getting paid nothing. I’ve hit the point where idc anymore. I’m not going to continue scrambling and doing way more than my fair share bc no one cares, no one is even watching us, and I saw my pay check this week and it is nothing what is should be for how much work I’ve been doing. 

I’m in the slow process of trying to find a new job, but it’s really hard. I love meeting people, and got really lucky with this job. The customer service is incredible at my store, and my customers as some of the sweetest people. However, retail just is not what I want to do now or ever. This is NOT my life and will never be my life. 

Myself: In a recent post, I think I was really hard on myself and I think its was talking a lot about how I hated everything about me.  I still am very unhappy with my weight. I let myself go really bad this time. I hate the way my clothes are fitting, I hate the way I look, and its all my fault. I have no self control- I eat what I want, when I want and don’t care.  I finally started going to the gym again and it feels really good. I just need to keep a routine and actually start eating better.  Boys: This is where shit hits the fan. I am more confused than ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I don’t remember where I left off with the kid I like, but wow lots has happened. 

I’ll start where shit hit the fan. So, for a little while I was thinking I still had a chance w him maybe. My two girl friends also did too, and I promise not in the annoying they’re supportive and positive only because they’re my friends way, but in the there were signs that he did like me way.  On a tuesday night, the night before my major history midterm, me and my friend Tyiana stayed in the library to study (This exam was horrible!! I studied for days, made a like 20 page study guide and wanted to cry all the time. That night, we had studied for HOURS. Towards the end of the night, the guy I liked had come to the library to tutor some girl in his class. I obviously was jealous.  When he was finished tutoring, he came and sat with me, Tyiana and her bf. He convinced me to finally stop studying around 10. I was just gunna go home, but when he was driving me to my car, I mentioned I really wanted McDonalds and he said ok let’s go.  When we were driving, he told me he had a gf. My heart broke. I had NO IDEA he was even talking to someone. It took so much of me not to cry when he told me, but I played it as cool as I could.  After I thought about it for a while, I tried to stay positive. I figured this would be good for him. If he’s happy, then I want him to be happy. If she makes him happy, then he should be with her. I also figured it this way- he can finally mature. Although I like him, he can be pretty selfish. Maybe this relationship could help him mature- he could finally lean to put someone before himself, to care for someone else’s feelings and needs before his own, to learn to really think about and care for others. And this way, if we ever go together, we could both be on the same page. It is important to note that on this car ride he specifically said, “I think I have a gf. Oh my god I think I have a gf now, idk I’ve never been in a real relationship before”  Of course, this may be me just over analyzing it, but he wasn’t even sure if they were a couple, but he seemed set that the prospect was high. ALSO, he absolutely refused to answer the question “do you have feelings for her?” I asked him multiple times that night, but he either said “I don't want to talk about it” or “ stop asking me” This is weird right?!!?

After learning this info, I knew I had to move on. There was no point in continuing my crush bc he was with someone else, not me. There was no chance of him liking me now. I’d like to say that I was actually getting over him. It was extremely hard, but I was somehow managing it. I was thinking about him CONSTANTLY. I always wanted to be with him, talk to him, or whatever. He was just always on my mind. Then I eventually stopped thinking about him as much--I’d be lying if I said completely. But really, I wasn’t always wanting to talk to him, I didn’t care as much if took a longer to answer my text, I wasn’t always wondering where he was or what he was doing (please know that I mean that in the least creepy was possible). 

And Now this is where things get really fucked up. and confusing. and frustrating. and down right annoying. 

Not long after telling me he had a gf, he became extremely flirty with me. At first, it was just little things, but then it became very straight forward.  He would literally straight up talk about how he wants to have sex with me. And every time, I bring up his gf. I’ll describe a few of the times that really stuck out:

1. One day, I was leaving school a little later than usually and we bumped into each other. We started talking, but he had somewhere he wanted to go so I didn’t think we’d talk long. We ended up hanging out for a couple of hours. Major event of this hangout:

Early that day, I saw him before class and he stressed that I looked really good in my dress. 

This was the first and only other time (besides the car ride) I heard him call the girl his gf. Still to this day, weeks later, he won’t call her that.

He again refused to answer the question “do you have feelings for her?”

He showed me a gift she got him. He had it buried under a bunch of stuff in the hidden compartment of his trunk. He commented on how he hated it and thought it was stupid

Two people had called us bf/gf this day. and she I tried to deny it, he pretended we were dating

He CONSTANTLY talked about us dating. A few times I told him we could never be because we had suck different tastes in music, movies, and a bunch of other stuff and he got upset. Finally, when we both agreed on 1 movie we liked he goes “So can we date now? We both like that 1 movie. That’s something we have in common”

I told him that if any guy from campus asked if I was single, he should say yes and tell the kid to take me on a picnic bc thats my dream date. He told me that he would tell them I wasn’t single bc I was dating him. He later randomly was like “what are you doing saturday” and I was like “idk I think I’m working all day” and in a sad voice he was like “oh man are you really working all day?”  and I said “yeah I go in at 2 and stay till 10, why?” and he was like “ Oh I was gunna take you out on that picnic date you want to go on”

But yeah, the ENTIRE time he just kept talking about how he wanted us to be together, and how we should and would date. He also mentioned that at some point me and him would have sex. To which I brought up, just about every time, that his gf wouldn’t really approve of that. **side note: us having ex has always been a joke bt us. We’ve both kinda always joked that we would at some point have sex**

2. This story is funny-- So one day I was walking to class and bumped into him. He asked where I was going, and I said I had class in 10 mins. So the conversation went:

Him: “perfect come with me”

Me: “ugh where are we going”

Him: “to my car”

Me, in an extremely flirty way: “Oh, your car? What are you going to do to me in your car”

(side note, one of the big jokes we have bt us is that we’re gunna have sex in either mine or his car. It started with my old car bc it was huge and had lots of space in the back, so he always said he wanted to fuck me in it.)

Him with a big smile and a wink: “Oh okay Alisa, I like the way you think”

So the convo continued on to just a little about what we did that day and then:

Him “you know one day it’ll happen”

Me: “what will happen?”

Him: “us. I can picture it- one day were gunna be hanging out really late at night and will be a little drunk and were just gunna do it”

Me, laughing but intrigued: “no. nothing is going to happen”

Him: “what why not? I can picture it”

Me: “well for one, I don’t drink so you won’t get me drunk. two, we never hang out late at night so that also poses a problem”

Him: “no i can picture it, it’ll happen”

He ended up walking me to class, on the opposite side of the building he needed to go to and more banter went on. I joked that I’d skip class to have sex w him if he wanted to and he just smiled so big.

3.  The phone call. We usually call each other when we want to see what the other is doing to hang out. So, I was in the store one night and he called me to hang out. He had just gotten off of work and was going to stop by and visit me at my job. He didn’t know that I actually had off that night. This phone call was filled with nothing but him being extremely blunt that he wanted so badly to have sex w me. Highlights from the call:

It was his first day of work at this new job. He had just gotten off and wanted to come see me at my job. Mind you, his gf lives close to his job. His gf could have sex w him then and there, but I would’ve been at work. I also wouldn’t have had sex w him bc of the whole gf situation. BUT he still chose to see me

I mentioned all that to him and he just shrugged it off and said he wanted to hang out with me. 

I asked him to go to my house and wait bc I’ll be home in 10 mins. He was like oh but if I go to your house I’ll have to meet your parents and what if they don’t like me? I can’t handle that. I told him that he wouldn’t have to go in and meet them, he just had to wait for me outside, and that who cares what they think he isn’t my bf so they don’t have to approve of him. He then responded but I am your bf, we’re together. They have to like me

He repeatedly told me he wanted to have sex

He again described that he has been thinking about the night we’re going to have sex. Again, he said we’d be hanging out really late at night and we’d be a little drunk and we were just going to do it. He said it would be great and he was excited for it to happen

I told him that I was very intrigued that he again had been picturing us having sex

On multiple occasions, he mentioned that we were dating and that I was his gf. I played along only one time and called him my bf, and he was happy when I did

I also brought up his gf a lot. I asked how she’d feel if she heard our conversations and all that stuff. He told me if she ever said anything to me, he would drop her in a heart beat

he got offended that he had told me multiple times that he wanted to have sex with me, but I never said it back to him

he said very boldly, bluntly, and seriously: “Alisa. I. want. to. fuck. you.”

when I told him that I would have sex with him, he was SO happy and was like “ok this is great. I’m hanging up now bc I want this to end on a great note”

4. Hanging out with Julia. One day he came and hung out with me and Julia for a little while. I had been having a really bad week and just wanted to hang out w him and laugh. But he was also in a weird mood so he was’t being fun.

The day before this, a kid had asked me for my number. I knew it didn’t mean anything, we had been friends for a little while bc we had a class together last semester, but I wanted to make is seem bigger in front of the kid I like

So I was like: “Oh Julia listen to this, a kid asked me for my number... I hope it goes somewhere because I have nothing else going on for me”

Him: “woah, what about me. you have me going on.”

Me: “Actually, you have a gf, until she is out of the picture, we are nothing”

I didn’t think he’d talk about us being together or having sex in front of Julia bc he does’t do it in front of our guy friends, but he did. Later, this happened:

Him: “but wouldn’t you want to be with me?”

Me: “yeah, but like I said, you have a gf. I’m not getting w you while she’s in the picture. that’s wrong. If you really want me, break up w her and we’ll talk”

Him: “are you for real? if i break up with her, we can get together?”

Me: “yeah dude, I’ve told you that before”

Him: “ok I’m calling her now.”

And he actually went to call her to break up with her, but I stopped him. I wasn’t going to let him break up w his gf bc I told him that I’d have sex with him. If we were going to get together or be together, then it would have to be because he actually wants to be with me, not because I would have sex with him. 

There’s SOOOOO much more, but it’s 1 AM and I have so much to do tomorrow  so I have to try to fall asleep. I’ll write more tomorrow, because there is more annoying shit to talk about. These were only a few of the juicy stories!  Peace and blessings for tonight! (: