#i miss the old days when we had to wait two years for the album

[felizusnavidad]

you didn’t like the album?

i think it's her worst album

[arc-misadventures]

Fathers Day Letter

Beacon Academy lunchroom, and everyone is looking over the mail they have each recently received.

Ruby: Ohh! Dad sent me something!

Yang: Me too, wonder what he sent me.

Weiss: Oh? My sister sent me a package, I wonder what’s in it.

Pyrrha: My mom sent me a care package~!

Ren: I got a parcel in the mail: I hope it’s those tea leaves I ordered.

Nora: My magazine is in! YES!!!

Blake: Yes! The latest book in the, ‘Ninja’s of Lust’ series!

Ruby: COOKIES!!! He sent me cookies! Yayyyyy! (Nom,nom,nom,nom!)

Yang: Save some for later, Rubes. Now lets see… Awesome! He sent me the bike polish I use for, Bumblebee! I forgot it, when we left! I’m gonna have some fun spreading you on tonight~!

Weiss: Oh? ‘Dear sister, I lost a gentlemen’s wager, and they requested several signed copies of your latest album. Since I assume this would be no problem, would you kindly sign these copies, and send them back to me. Love, Winter.’ This is rather… unexpected.

Yang: Are you going to refuse her request?

Weiss: No, this should only take an hour to do. What did you get, Pyrrha.

Pyrrha: Cookies, chocolate, and some beauty products from home, nothing much really. Did you get your tea, Ren?

Ren: Yep; I’m looking forward to having these later.

Yang: What magazine did you order, Nora.

Nora: ‘Pancakes Illustrated’

Weiss: Excuse me?

Yang: That’s not what I think it is, is it?

Ren: Well…

Nora: Ohh yeah~! Let that butter run off you, you naughty girl~!

Yang: UHHHH?!

Pyrrha: Don’t ask.

Yang: Okay…?

Blake: And, you say I’m the depraved one…

Ruby: Isthat… (Gulp!) Is that a father’s day card, Jaune?

Yang: Wait, what?

Weiss: Excuse me?

Pyrrha: You’reafather?!

Nora: I’m an aunt?!

Jaune: Oh, yeah. It’s just a little joke card really. My sisters see me as the father figure they never had, so they send me this as family joke.

Pyrrha: Oh thank gods…

Yang: Oh, so what’s the joke, I bet it’s pretty funny!

Jaune: Well… It’s kinda funny… in the shear ridiculousness of it.

Blake: How ridiculous is this?

Jaune: Well, lets start at the beginning: My family consists of me, my older sisters, Saphron, and Thiriana. My mother, Juniper, my grandfather, Álkimos, and lastly my father, Evinder, or simply, Evin.

Pyrrha: I thought you said you were an only child?

Jaune: I’m the only son, I have lots of sisters though.

Pyrrha: Oh okay. Please continue.

Jaune: So when I was three years old, my father disappeared while out travelling. We had no idea what happened, my mother was so distraught that she begged my grandfather to go find him. So, my grandfather who is a, Huntsman, who also loves his daughter very much, went out to find him.

Ruby: Did he find him?

Jaune: No. He spent two years trying to find him, but he found no trace of him. However, a year later, when I had turned five, my grandfather was in another town a ways away from where I lived. Then town was attacked by some, Grimm. Luckily there was only one casualty. That one casualty was where things got interesting!

Weiss: What happened?

Jaune: Well, my grandfather went to the woman, her name is, Isleen, a snake faunas with beautiful blue, and gold tipped scales. And, she had three daughters: Luna, and a pair of twins named, Angela, and Janette, ages two, and one. And, she told him that her husband was missing, my grandfather asked what his name was, and she said his name was, Gregory. She then showed him a photo of him, and my father was left gobsmacked! He had a new hair cut, and a beard, but he knew very well what the face of his ‘deceased’ son-in-law looked like.

Yang: Wait, what?!

Weiss: He wasn’t dead?!

Blake: And, he abandon your mother?!

Ren: Along with you, and your sisters?!

Pyrrha: And, started a new family with another woman?!

Jaune: Yep. He wasn’t happy to say the least. Then, my grandfather showed, Isleen a photo of my mother, me, and my sisters, and my recently ‘deceased’ father, Evinder. She did not take it well that her husband was not who he said he was, and seeming abandoned her, like he had done with my mother really, really hurt her. So, my grandfather decided to take her, and her kids back home. To live with me, and the rest of my family.

Blake: Was your mom okay with that?

Jaune: Eventually. She didn’t like that her father brought some random woman, and her kids home with him. But, she understood why grandfather invited them to stay with us. I mean, learning that their husband was living under false identities, and had married two separate woman, and had kids with them, and abandoned both of them. They had plenty of things in common together to bound with one another.

Yang: I’ll bet they did.

Jaune: Shortly after that, my grandfather was called to deal with a missing person report in another town. So he went there, and this woman asked if he could find her missing husband…

Weiss: Don’t tell me. He looked like your father?

Jaune: Same hair cut, and beard, just with thick rimmed glasses.

Blake: Given years apart you’d think he’d come up with a better disguise.

Jaune: Yeah… about that… The wife, a silver fox faunas who’s name is, Evenora, had two daughters with, ‘Stavon,’ their names were, Luna, and Carol.

Weiss: Hold old were they?

Jaune: One, and two years old. I know that doesn’t sound like much, but you need to understand this… Isleen, and her family lived about two weeks away from, Evenora, and her family.

Yang: I don’t get it.

Blake: So he didn’t go far this time when he faked his death again.

Ren: Wait, they lived two weeks of travel apart? Oh gods…

Pyrrha: What is it, Ren?

Ren: He was married to both of them at the same time… He was double timing them wasn’t he?

Jaune: Bingo bango bongo! You are right on the money, Ren!

Ruby: Wait, what?!

Weiss: You’re kidding me right?!

Jaune: Nope: He was double timing the two of them by being the cheating bastard that he was. He was a travelling sales men, so he two two weeks to travel between the two villages, stay for a month with one wife, then when back, and lived with his other wife for a month. And, he did that for over two years

Yang: You’re fucking kidding me?!

Jaune: Oh gods I wish.

Nora: What happened next?

Jaune: Well, my grandfather showed her photos of the two other families he abandoned. Needless to say she was absolutely devastated by this news. Now, my grandfather would have stay with her, and consoled her through this, but he was only missing for about three days. He needed to find him before the trail turned cold. So he hunted him. Now you gotta understand my grandfather is a vindictive monster; he was absolutely pissed when he learned he abandoned my mother, and, Isleen, he was fucking furious when he learned learned he did it a third time to, Evenora. So, he was after him like a bloodhound.

Weiss: Please, pleassssse tell me he found the cheating bastard, and made him payyyyyyy!

Blake: You’re really getting into this.

Weiss: This fucker makes all the emotional abuse my dad put me, and my family through feel like school yard bullying.

Yang: Same. My mom may have abandoned me at birth, but this. This is fucked up!

Nora: I can relate with them…

Ruby: You can?

Nora: My mom abandoned me. So, know how it feels when a loved one abandons you…

Pyrrha: She what?!

Jaune: It’s okay, Nora, we’re here with you know, and we’re not going anywhere.

Nora: Thanks, Jaune.

Jaune: My pleasure. Anyway, my grandfather did find him, or more precisely what was left of him.

Blake: Did a, Grimm get him?

Weiss: Fuck yeah!

Yang: That sounded so wrong coming from you.

Jaune: Well, yes he was dead. But, I’m not sure if a, Grimm did him in.

Ren: What makes you say that?

Jaune: My grandfather is an extremely experienced huntsman. He’s seen plenty of peoples corpses that are the result of a, Grimm attack.

Weiss: So you think he killed him, and made it look like a, Grimm attack?

Jaune: That, or my grandmother got to him. She is really protective of her family, and can really, really, really hold a grudge. She’s still upset with her ex… Anywho, after he, ‘found’ his corpse he took, Evenora, and her kids with him back to our home.

Ruby: Where they live as a happy family all together!

Jaune: Eventually.

Weiss: Let me guess, they had some difficulties getting along together?

Jaune: Mom was upset as it was that he left her, and three kids all alone, but even more so that he did that to two other woman, and their five kids too. She was absolutely angry from all of this. Sadly she took out her anger, indirectly mind you, on them which was making them angry in turn at each other even more so.

Pyrrha: And, what about you, how did you handle all of this.

Jaune: Well, I never really understood what my dad did until I was older. But, I was happy. I wasn’t the youngest child, and I now had five younger sisters! i was the older brother I always wanted to be. My, Mom thanked me for being the older brother that I was, loving each of them unconditionally as I did. Because I did this, it showed my mother that she was being petty, and mean to the other woman for things they did not do. So, she managed to fix, and even improve her relationship with the other mothers. They used to sleep in three different rooms, then after me, and my older sisters found the three of them in the same bed, all cuddling against one another they started sleeping like that ever since. Now I’m a brother with two older sisters, and five younger sisters, a loving grandfather, and grandmother, with three loving mothers, and I couldn’t be happier.

Blake: That sounds beautiful.

Pyrrha: I’m glad this had a happy ending b

Yang: That sounds lovely, but how does this relate to you getting a fathers day card?

Jaune: Oh, because I was the ‘man of the house’ I tended to look over, and protect my younger siblings. So I became the ‘father figure’ they never had.

Ruby: Awww~! That so sweet!

Pyrrha: You are a really nice brother, Jaune.

Jaune: Thanks. But, sadly this resulted in all of my younger siblings in developing father/brother complexes with me, just like it did with, Nora…

Yang: Pfft! Hahahaha! You’re right, Jaune; in the shear ridiculousness of it all, that is quite funny.

Ruby: Your family is quite something, Jaune.

Blake: I could make so many stories with this as a basis…

Yang: Settle down, Bla…? Wait, Nora? Do you have a brother/father complex with, Jaune too?

Weiss: You’re kidding me, right?

Nora: Y-Yeah… I do…

Pyrrha: What?! How did that happen?!

Nora: I couldn’t help it! He runs his fingers through my hair to comfort me when I have nightmares, and he gives me goodnight kisses on my forehead before I go to sleep. It’s really nice.

Yang: Do you seriously do that?

Ren: Yeah, he does that almost every night, it’s really nice to see.

Pyrrha: How come I’ve never seen this before?

Ren: You’ve been asleep whenever he does it.

Pyrrha: But… I… Jaune! I want goodnight kisses too!

Jaune: Okay.

Pyrrha: Yes!

Jaune: So, anything else you guys wanna ask about my families.

Blake: Yeah, so, Jaune, if you’re in the mood, do you want to pretend to be my daddy, and give me a good spanking because I’ve been a bad girl?

RWYJNPR: …

Jaune: No.

Blake: Naww…

Weiss: How about me instead?

Jaune: Excuse me what?

[humblequestvinyl]

mountain with a view

MOUNTAIN WITH A VIEW, EDDIE DIAZ X FEM!READER

APART OF THE ‘ROLLING UP THE WELCOME MAT’ SERIES

SUMMARY: after one too many late nights, y/n l/n is sitting at their kitchen table, debating if her and her husband's marriage is even worth fighting for.

inspired by mountain with a view, by kelsea ballerini

previous chapter, | next chapter,

lowercase is intentional! wc: 1.9k

warning: angst!!!!! swearing, marriage problems, trust issues (?) if there’s anything i missed let me know!

a/n: AHHH NEW SERIES W EDDIE <33! i'm so excited for this!! also my deepest apologies in advance bc i am so mean to eddie in this LMFAOO hope u guys enjoy <333

“COUNTRY STAR Y/N L/N HAS FILED FOR DIVORCE FROM HER HUSBAND, EDDIE DIAZ AFTER FIVE YEARS OF MARRIAGE.”

the voice of a news reporter flooded through the tv as photos of the former couple were placed on the screen. 

“L/N on instagram asked her fans on instagram to be mindful, and that both parties are fragile, and to respect their privacy.”the reporter went on, before a photo flashed of the h/c girl, “L/N is currently gearing up for her fifth album release; SUBJECT TO CHANGE this september.”

the video came to a stop, and she saw her best friend standing in front of her, with a horrified look on his face, “you and eddie are getting a divorce?” her heart hurt. this wasn’t how she wanted him to find out.

“it was bound to happen buck.”y/n’s voice was strained due to all of the crying she had done for the past two months, with a heavy feeling in her chest, “you and i both saw this coming.”

“i didn’t.” evan buckley’s voice dropped, and y/n slipped the shades to the top of her head, revealing her bloodshot eyes, “never once did i see this coming.”

“this wasn’t how we wanted you to find out.”her voice cracked, playing with the strings of her hoodie, “eddie said he was going to call you about it.” buck’s eyes watched as the girl avoided his eyes, refusing to make contact with them, knowing if she did she would probably burst into tears.

“why did you file for divorce?”

(TWO MONTHS BEFORE.)

STARING OUT THE BIG OPEN WINDOWS OF THEIR PENTHOUSE,

y/n could see the sun rising as she finished making breakfast for her and her stepson, making sure to leave some for her husband in case he came home in time.

eddie diaz and y/n l/n had first met when she was 21, and he was 23, one kick-starting on their music career, while one had just become a single parent to a son from a former marriage. somehow, they still made it work. getting married at 23 and 25,  going from texas, to los angeles, becoming a mother figure to his son chris, and making sure she could still go on tour.

they thought they had it all figured out, with everything working and a fixed schedule.

until they didn't.

so here she sat, waiting for her husband to come home while her stepson got ready for school, knowing she’d have to force a smile, make everything seem like it was okay, and be able to play the part of the perfect wife, perfect wife. it wasn’t until she smelt smoke that y/n realized the toast was burnt to absolute crisp, and was ruined, meaning she’d have to make more.  

“shit.”she muttered, rushing to make more, as she saw chris come down the hallway, and she forced a smile, brushing her h/c hair out of her face, making sure to tie it back.

“did you burn the toast again?”chris asked with a smile, and y/n forced a laugh, nodding before she brought over a plate with pancakes and eggs on them. “unfortunately, i did. i’m making more right now.”

a knock on the front door came, before it opened, revealing carla, and she had a wide smile spread across her face as she came in, and y/n waved as the toast popped up, less burnt than before. quickly placing it on a plate, and putting it on the table, making it so chris would be able to get to school on time.

“you go get ready for the day, i’ll make sure chris eats.”carla told the 28 year old, giving her a soft smile, and y/n nodded, before rushing off towards her room, and grabbing the clothing she needed for that day.

walking into the bathroom after she had changed, her eyes glanced down, seeing a wedding band that wasn’t hers sitting on the counter. 

it was her husband’s.

she felt anger run through her, with a million thoughts racing through her mind. why would he take it off? or why did he leave it at home? did he forget it? did he take it off intentionally before he left for work? 

why did he take it off?

“bye n/n!’chris yelled, breaking the girl out of her thoughts, and she gripped the counter, trying to keep her anger under check. “have a good day at school chris!”she yelled back, and the front door slammed, as she took a deep breath in.

it was a few moments before she walked back out towards the kitchen, noticing everything was put away, except for the burnt toast. opening up her refrigerator, y/n grabbed the butter out, and brought it over towards the kitchen table, before spreading the butter against the toast, and taking a bite out of it.

her eyes scanned back over the mountains as the clock struck 7:30 am, realizing her husband was over three hours late coming home, and had missed seeing his son in the morning for the second time that week.

it killed her. it absolutely killed her that he wasn’t coming home, and she was the one who was carrying all of that weight on her shoulders, trying to keep this marriage going when it was all one sided. she felt like a glass plate, and was breaking into a million pieces.

hearing boots come towards her, her head snapped towards it, seeing her husband eddie diaz walking towards her, before placing a kiss on the top of her head, with no words spoken between the two.  the tension in the air made her uncomfortable. it was so thick that you could almost cut it through it with a knife.

it was a while before any words were spoken between the two, and when they were, they were laced with anger and confusion.

“you left your ring at home.”y/n spoke up, taking another bite of the burnt toast, afraid to see the look her husband was giving her, “and you were late coming home again.”

“i forgot it when i left.”eddie admitted, glancing over at his wife for a moment, before looking back at his plate of food, “and i was finishing up something with buck.”

wrong. he wasn’t with buck, because buck had texted y/n back at five, saying he hadn’t seen eddie since he left his shift at 4am. 

“what? you don’t believe me?”eddie questioned, as y/n got up to throw the toast away, keeping silent for a moment, debating on how to handle the situation, before she shook her head no.

“i don’t believe you.”y/n admitted, placing the plate in the sink, avoiding eye contact with him, and she could feel the anger radiating off of him, “because buck texted me at five that he hadn’t seen you since you left your shift at four.”

she saw eddie freeze, knowing he had gotten caught into a lie, and y/n had seen right through it. he wouldn’t be able to hide whatever he was away for.

“okay fine, i wasn’t with buck.”eddie admitted, causing y/n to lean up against the kitchen counter, facing her husband to read his body language.

“so, where were you?”

“i don’t understand why you need to know.”eddie shrugged, getting defensive, causing y/n to read all the red flag, “it doesn’t matter to you at all.”

“it does matter to me eddie.”y/n spoke softly, fearing of an argument breaking out, but it was enviable with the two. “i want to make sure you’re not sitting in the goddamn morgue.”

“well guess what, i’m not.”eddie spewed, catching y/n off guard, “i’m standing right in front of you, trying to eat breakfast while you’re bothering me.”

“because i want for you to realize that i’m worried about you.”she told him, and she could tell he was dismissive, “i wait up for you every night, only for you to not come home until chris is about to leave for school.”

“and i never asked you to do that.”he stabbed his eggs with his fork, and y/n tensed up, “that’s your own doing for staying up and waiting.” y/n gave him a look as she took his words like gut punches, making her absolutely sick, “maybe you should just stop staying up and waiting.”

“maybe you should come home on time.”y/n shot back, folding her arms as she watched him closely, “to the family you have. to your son.”

“i do!”eddie defended, and y/n shook her head, “no you don’t! for the past four months you’ve been late coming home after every single shift eddie!” 

“you’re forgetting your ring, you’re not coming home on time and you’re distant.”y/n pointed out as eddie brushed past her to put his plate in the sink, and walked towards their shared bathroom, slipping his wedding band on, “there! are you happy now?”

“no i’m not!”y/n exclaimed as eddie started to change, and she followed him, “we’ve been in and out of therapy for the past three years and absolutely nothing has changed eddie. i’m so tired of it.”

“i mentally cannot handle another year of us being just fine.”y/n whispered, causing eddie to snap his head towards her, with a shocked look spread across his face, “what are you trying to say?”

“i want a divorce.”y/n spoke aloud, making all of her feelings real, and she saw eddie’s face fall.

“you want a divorce? all because i’m taking extra shifts to try and provide for our family? to pay for the mortgage for the house you insisted we had to have.”he shot back, and y/n felt her anger bubble over, causing her to snap, “you don’t even pay for the house! i do! it’s under my name and everything! not yours!”

“i’m the one who pays for the cleaners, the groceries, the electric!”she yelled, as the two stood in their bedroom, one that hadn’t felt like theirs in months. “i feel like i’m the only one who’s doing all the work all the time because you’re never home!”

“you loved me way more at 23 than you do now eddie, and that's a fact.”she told him as she brushed past him to pack a bag, “i cannot keep doing this anymore.”

“you’re just like your parents. giving up way too easy on our marriage.” eddie swore, and y/n felt something snap inside of her. “first off, don’t you dare talk about my parents! secondly, i have tried for months to get through to you.”

“you’re the one who never came to nashville when i called you begging to hop on that flight, one i paid for by the way!”y/n exclaimed, zipping up the bag she had packed, “i knew you had the week off and didn’t have chris at all and you still refused to come.”

“i’m done trying eddie.”she finished, before storming past him and walking towards the front door of their penthouse.

“so you’re done?”he questioned as she grabbed her car keys, and opened up the front door, staring right back at him with tears in her e/c eyes.

“this is when it’s over for me.”

[bookshelf-dust]

who’s pretty?

eddie munson x fem!reader

word count: 2,527

warnings: swearing, kissing, smoking (DON’T YOU EVEN THINK ABOUT IT), slight seasonal depression, innuendos/suggestive tone towards the end, allusions to nudity, fluff

a/n: hi!! i’ve been super excited to work on some christmas related fics, so here we are. i think it turned out super sweet and i think i might even like it! i really hope you guys like it too!! thanks for putting up with my shit. <333

————

Eddie spit out the plastic wrapper stuck between his teeth, setting the christmas tree cake in his mouth while he readjusted, tossing the film beside him on the porch and holding on to his cigarette more firmly.

Situated, the boy took an aggressive bite of the cake, red and green sprinkles crunching as he chewed. He swallowed, and took a slow drag, letting the smoke fill his lungs. He looked down, assessing the white icing covering his fingertips.

Eddie scarfed down the rest of his cake, licking the residue from his skin. Little Debbie wasn’t doing anything to soothe the ache in his chest. Neither was his cigarette.

Eddie watched the neighbors across the dirt road—it could hardly be called a street—wrap lights around their porch beams. Once up, they plugged them in, warm white lights illuminating the dingy gray of their trailer.

He tapped the ash off into the tray next to his thigh and scoffed a little. He always preferred the multi-colored lights to those.

He perked up, though, as the cat belonging to those very same neighbors leapt from the cat door and out into the sand, presumably in search of a mole or a cricket to snack on.

Eddie scratched his nails against the porch, watching for the cat’s head to snap up and notice that attention was waiting for him across the way.

He bounded over to Eddie, a black streak in the cool and foggy blue of the afternoon, starting to rub over his shoes and calves. “Hey, buddy.”

Eddie scratched behind the cats ears, rubbed his belly when he flipped over. But his visit was cut short as something moved in the overgrown grass and the cat shot away, back to business.

Eddie sighed, pushing off of the worn in wood, moving back inside.

The holiday season used to be Eddie Munson’s favorite time of the year. His uncle Wayne usually got two weeks off of work, and he’d spend them with his nephew, watching cheesy Christmas movies and eating themselves out of house and home.

He never got much in terms of gifts, nothing big or grand. But every band t-shirt Wayne brought home from the thrift store made Eddie’s heart grow two sizes. Every couple guitar picks or album that had a poster in the sleeve that Wayne would watch Eddie giddily tack up in his room.

As for Wayne, Eddie found that mugs were a very good gift, and could mean a lot. They did mean a lot.

Wayne didn’t love anything more than a nine-year-old, doe eyed Eddie running up to him with the present he’d hid in his room all December. He felt the same way when Eddie was twenty.

But it hadn’t been the same in recent years. It hurt, but Eddie knew that’s how it worked. Things changed, and the things you loved as a kid don’t feel the same as you get older. They aren’t the same.

Wayne didn’t get two weeks off for the holidays anymore. The plant wasn’t as abundantly employed as it used to be. He was lucky if he got Christmas Eve off and not just the day of. When Wayne was home, he was tired, and it wasn’t the occasion that it once was, full of hyper Eddie shenanigans.

But Eddie missed it. He missed going on walks to the rich neighborhoods to look at their elaborately set up light displays. He missed laying in bed at night, even long after he knew that Santa was actually Wayne and everything else was capitalist bullshit, trying to go to sleep so that his presents would be delivered.

Fuck, he missed being a kid.

He was lost in this mental turmoil spiral when the door slammed and Wayne returned from picking up dinner. Eddie hopped up, ready to help get plates out and make sure the restaurant hadn't forgotten anything.

"Hey, kiddo?" Wayne asked once they'd settled down to eat. Eddie looked up at his uncle from his place on the floor. With his legs crossed and hands bare of any jewelry, Wayne thought his nephew looked lightyears younger. Like his little boy. Eddie hummed in response.

"Merill's has a good bit of trees left. You wanna go pick one out in the next couple days?" Eddie's eyes lit up and he moved to sit on his knees, stuffing pizza crust in his mouth.

He finished swallowing, "Yeah, of course. You sure you won't be too tired or anything?"

Wayne watched as Eddie scanned for his next breadstick. He'd had that nervous habit since he was little: occupying himself while waiting for a response in fear that something would go wrong.

"No, bud. I'll be just fine."

And so they drove up to the farm and brought home one of the smallest and scraggliest trees--just like they always did. Wayne said those had the most character.

Later when it was getting dark outside and both parties were resting from getting the thing inside and in its stand, Eddie realized it was past time for Wayne to be at work, and he wondered if he'd possibly zoned out enough to entirely miss his uncle's goodbye.

He slipped down the hall, only to see Wayne sorting through various holiday lights. "Uh, Wayne?"

"Yeah, bud?"

"Aren't you late for work?"

"No, bud. I've got time off. Suppose I should've mentioned that, huh?" Wayne hadn't forgotten to tell Eddie. How could one forget that they had time off from work? He'd simply wanted it to be a surprise.

Eddie might've been very good at concealing his feelings in general, but Wayne knew he was bummed that Christmas had changed for the both of them. Wayne looked up at Eddie, who was practically beaming.

"Really? How long?"

"Two and a half weeks."

"Shit." Eddie was grinning hard, cheeks pinked and knees bopping slightly. He was excited.

"Guess that means your happy?" Wayne handed the boy one end of the lights to plug in and check they still worked.

"Well, yeah, duh."

"What would you think about asking Y/N over? She could spend the night on Christmas Eve and then the day if she's up for it. Thought maybe you'd like that. I could cook or somethin'."

"I think she'd love that. And you don't have to cook. She'd gladly eat take out, I know."

That night, Wayne stepped out of the bathroom to see Eddie lying on the floor in front of the tree reading, but also staring up at the colored lights in awe. Wayne felt his eyes get glassy and blinking the oncoming tears away. His boy.

He walked over, crouching to plant a prickly kiss in Eddie's curls, only to ruffle them afterwards. "Night, Eds."

Eds. His uncle was the only person that had ever called him that before you. He didn't say it often, but it was one of his favorite things to hear. "Night, Wayne."

————

"Hey, precious." Eddie swung the door open for you, simultaneously shoving a cookie in his mouth.

"Afternoon, Edward." Eddie wrinkled his nose at the use of his birthname, which you kissed in greeting.

"Want a cookie? They've got sprinkles."

"In a second. I've brought a gift for your pretty tree." You set your bag on the coffee table.

"Who's pretty?" Wayne asked, emerging from the back of the trailer.

"You Waynie," Eddie quipped, earning himself a playful smack on the back of the head.

"The tree is pretty, Wayne," you supplied. "I brought it presents. Sorta."

Eddie watched as you dug around, pulling free two ornaments, though he couldn't quite make out what they were.

"Here, Wayne, this one's yours." He held out his hand, and you set the object in his palm. His was a little Garfield ornament. The cat was wearing blue pajamas and was holding a little teeny coffee mug.

Wayne laughed appreciatively. "That's a good one, sweetie. Thank you. Will you find it a good spot on the tree for me?"

"Sure!" He squeezed your shoulder and watched as you put it front and center, towards the middle of the tree, that way Garfield could keep watch.

Wayne walked off into the kitchen, giving you space to give Eddie his prize.

Eddie waited patiently, though that was often a struggle for him. "Okay, I might've gotten you two. But I couldn't not get one of them." Eddie held out both hands, grinning expectantly. It was simple, really, the more you looked at it. A black sphere with purple lettering. One side said Master of Reality, the other Black Sabbath.

"Holy shit," Eddie said, turning the ball over in his hands. "Where'd you find this?"

"The record store in town had a whole bunch of old ornaments on sale, like they'd been cleaning out the back, and I thought you'd like it. Do you?"

Eddie smacked a dramatic kiss on your forehead. "Are you fuckin' kidding me? Of course I like it." He couldn't take his eyes off of it, mainly because it was so sweet of you to have gotten for him, but also because he thought it was funny that the store still had one considering how long the album had been out.

Eddie was lost in thought when you approached him with the next one. "When I went to get a book last week they had this little tree covered in book-related ornaments, and I saw this and I gasped so hard the lady behind me asked me if I was alright."

Eddie laughed, throwing his head back, and you took the opportunity to hang the ornament off of the tip of your finger to show him. He looked down, only to see a small painted ornament that looked like a book. It was The Hobbit.

"Baby." You were the one grinning like an idiot now. That one earned you a sweet kiss on the lips.

“Isn’t it cool?” You asked, pointing out that the text was raised and everything, that the spine even had ridges.

“It’s so cool.” He spun around to walk the few feet into the kitchen. “Wayne, would you look at this?”

Eddie’s uncle did as requested, smiling at your gesture. “That is very cool, Eds. Looks better than the copy you’ve got.”

“It totally does!” The boy wasn’t even slightly offended.

Eddie marched over to the tree, nestling the ornament amongst the others, along with his Black Sabbath one.

He turned to you, taking your face in his hands.“Thank you, sweetheart. I’m gonna be so annoying about those now.”

“I know. I prepared myself on the way here.” The smile he gave you was brilliant, and there was no other way to describe it.

————

The three of you spent a good portion of Christmas Eve making cookies: gingerbread, snickerdoodles, shitty sugar ones with sad icing jobs. Though, you did make sure to get most of it done early so there was time to chill.

You watched loads of movies. How the Grinch Stole Christmas had been on that morning, and Eddie extravagantly performed “You’re a mean one, Mr. Grinch” for you, poking at your sides to get you to smile.

Eddie rented Die Hard for you, just because he knew you had the hots for Alan Rickman. He slipped it in the VHS slot, only for Wayne to say, “This the one with her pretty boy in it?”

Eddie practically cackled as you sunk into the couch more than he thought possible.

“He’s not a boy,” you argued. “He’s a total man, thank you very much.”

You watched Gremlins, and Eddie laid his head in your lap. You missed the way Wayne looked over at the two of you, in awe of how lucky he was that his boy had found someone so good. He thought about how happy he was to have this little family.

Wayne picked up food from Benny’s, not wanting to have to cook two nights in a row.

At the end of the night, Eddie finished off his first pile of rentals with Silent Night, Deadly Night. You didn’t mind, not with how excited he was about it. You loved a good slasher anyhow.

It was well past midnight when the film was over, and you cleaned up the popcorn mess while Eddie rinsed cans out for the recycling before the both of you slipped away to allow Wayne some rest before the big day.

Eddie had been in the bathroom while you went into his room to get changed. You slipped out of your pajama bottoms, opting for no pants at all considering Eddie was like a human furnace.

You heard the door click shut behind you as you pulled your shirt over your head, leaving your back bare to him. Eddie wolf-whistled.

You through the shirt at him, aiming for his face, only for him to catch it instead. “Usually it’s dinner and a show, not bedtime and a show, but I’ll take it, hot stuff.”

“Shut the fuck up, Munson.” Eddie giggled to himself as he stopped you from putting on your own shirt, reaching for one of his own. He pulled out his worn in Master of Reality t-shirt.

“Seems appropriate, don’t you think?” He slipped the fabric over your head. “Stick your arm through—there you go.” Once settled, he kissed you sweetly before giving you a light slap on the ass as you climbed into bed.

“C’mon now pretty boy, let’s see my bedtime show.”

Eddie shimmed out of his sweats for you, stepping out of them with a flourish. You giggled at his underwear, which had little Santa hats on them.

“Don’t laugh, they’re comfortable!” He took off his shirt and you made grabby hands at him.

You sat up on your knees to kiss his spider tattoo and then the demon, making sure to hit them all. You made him spin to get the newer one on the small of his back: very sexy bat wings.

Eddie crawled into bed with you, switching his lamp off. “Now, look, I know I’m insatiable, and you’d probably love to stay up all night kissing me, and sweet-talking me, but we gotta get to sleep if we want Santa to come.”

He tickled his fingers up your arm when you stared to laugh, burying your face in his chest.

“Eddie, my love, you haven’t got a chimney.”

He scoffed, fighting a laugh. “You doubt Santa’s abilities to get me my presents though I lack the typical vessel? He has his ways, baby. Damn.”

Eddie reached for your thigh, grabbing hold and swinging it over both of his before kneading at the squish of it. He patted it fondly before he kissed your forehead.

“Merry Christmas, you little shit,” you said. “I love you.”

Eddie snickered. “Goodnight, pain in my ass. I love you more.”

The holiday season had officially climbed right back up to being one of Eddie Munson’s favorite things. He thought, laying there beside you that night, that you and Wayne were the best people in the world.

It felt like all the shitty Christmases had been leading up to this fucking excellent one, and he was over the moon.

————

please let me know if you liked this! feedback is always appreciated!! comments and reblogs mean more than you know. <33

[watchmegetobsessed]

MATCHMAKER

A/N: it's another collab with the amazing @harrysfolklore !! that means this fic has a buddy over on her blog with the insta posts featured in the story! go and check out her post as well!

WORD COUNT: 2.6k

PAIRING: Harry x famous!reader

SUMMARY: You’re known to be a huge Harry Styles fan, never shied away to make it clear and thanks to your friend, Adele, you finally get to meet the man of your dreams.

MASTERLIST | SUPPORT ME!

“Have you met already the future hubby?” you read out loud the question as the warm Los Angeles sun is soaking into your skin, your dripping wet body is drying, you just got out of the pool, you’ve been entertaining yourself with doing a live on TikTok while you wait for your friend to return with the food. Lying on a lounge chair you’re holding up your phone and squinting your eyes to see the screen in the bright light as you watch the comments flowing in the live.

You chuckle at the question, knowing damn well who they were referring to as your future hubby. It’s been an ongoing joke for a long time, but you don’t mind it at all, you don’t mind that people call Harry Styles your future hubby.

It all started around the time you had your big breakthrough. Skyrocketing into fame has its ups and downs, people dug up any and every tiny detail from your past and that included your old Facebook profile that gave away your love for One Direction. A few pictures leaked out, nothing extreme, you were posing in your old bedroom at around sixteen, awkward outfits, ridiculous poses, but what got the most attention was the 1D posters on the walls behind you. The news that Y/N Y/L/N is a directioner spread like wildfire and you never even though about denying it.

“Of course I am! Are you kidding me? Those boys had me in a chokehold since day one!” you admitted at a talk show once when you were asked if the rumors were true. And when they questioned who your favorite is, you didn’t hesitate before answering. “Harry Styles. He is the love of my life,” you said without missing a beat.

And just like that, the world learned that you have the fattest crush on Harry Styles. It’s been brought up several times since then, talk show hosts love to tease you about it, they somehow still expect you to bashfully deny it, get all flustered and change the topic, but you never shy away from declaring your admiration for the man.

“I do love Harry Styles, a lot.”

“Oh, he is the hottest man I’ve ever seen!”

“Have I seen the pictures?! I have them fucking printed and framed in my bedroom!”

Some of your answers are now trending sounds on the clock app, people seem to absolutely love how unfiltered you are when it comes to Harry and your fans have been waiting forever for the two of you to finally meet, but it hasn’t happened yet somehow.

“I have not met him! You guys would be the first ones to hear about that!” you chuckle, answering the questions as all your watchers get into it deeper.

“How is it possible you haven’t run into him?” you read another question. “I have absolutely no idea! Maybe it’s fate, but it’s not too likely, because we all know we’re meant to be,” you grin at your own joke. “What do you think Harry thinks about you? He better find me smoking hot!” you snort and fixing your bikini you hold the phone so they can see your body in the video. “I mean, this is all for him!”

The commenters go crazy at your boldness and you find it so entertaining. People tend to forget that you’re just like them, you have your own hyperfixations, you have celeb crushes too, it’s just that the whole world knows about these.

You hear voices coming from inside and a few moments later your friend walks out with pizza boxes in his hands.

“I gotta go, it was nice chatting with you guys, take care!” you blow kisses at the screen before ending the live.

“His new album, Harry’s House debuted not long ago, he has movies coming out this year, another tour, but he made time to drop by and have a chat, please welcome Harry Styles!”

Jimmy Fallon announces Harry and a moment later he walks out from behind the scenes, the audience starts screaming as he waves at them approaching Jimmy.

“Thank you for coming, Harry,” the host greets him as they shake hands and do a brotherly hug.

“Thank you for inviting me,” he smiles back before they both take their seats and the cheering dies down.

“Harry, it’s so nice to see you again!”

“Nice to see you too, it’s been a while since we last met, right?”

“Yes, but you’ve been a busy man, so I don’t take it personal,” Jimmy laughs. “Y-You just released your third solo album!” he announces and he pulls up a Harry’s House CD from under the table, showing it to the camera as the audience starts cheering again.

“I did, yeah!” Harry nods proudly.

“It’s been a massive success, the first single, ‘As It Was’ has been on top of the toplists since the debut, so congrats!”

“Thank you. It’s so unbelievable that people are enjoying the album so much, it’s all I’ve ever wished for.”

“The reactions from fans have been amazing, they’ve been crying and screaming over the songs!” Jimmy laughs as they play a montage of videos and pictures from fans where they are reacting to listening to the album.

“Right, it’s been crazy,” Harry chuckles nodding.

“Do you have a favorite reaction you’ve seen so far?”

“There are so many hilarious ones, I loved seeing all the emotions, I don’t think that I can pinpoint a favorite one though.”

“Well, we have a favorite here around the studio,” Jimmy grins. “I don’t know if you know this, but Y/N Y/L/N is a huge fan of yours and she posted her reaction as well!”

“Oh I know about that,” Harry nods chuckling.

“Let’s-Let’s watch back the video she posted on her Instagram stories,” Jimmy tells before the video is played.

In the short recording you’re seen sitting at your dining table as Music For A Sushi Restaurant is played and you’re listening to it for the first time. The intro is playing as you’re moving along the music before his singing starts and your jaw hangs open, eyes wide as you gasp for air.

“Oh my God! Harry!” you gape, still moving to the music. Harry in the studio is now watching the video with a blush on his face, grinning ear to ear.

Then the part comes on when he sings ‘Just a little taste’ and you lose it in the video.

“Holy fucking shit!” you scream jumping up from the chair and Harry starts laughing with Jimmy.

The video ends, but they cut in the picture you posted right after, it’s you, lying on the floor with a pleased grin, the text ‘come and get your taste’ written on it.

“Oh my God,” Harry laughs, hiding his face in his hands.

“We know she is quite unfiltered, doesn’t shy away from saying whatever is on her mind and she didn’t hold back this time either!” Jimmy laughs.

“I’m flattered, really,” Harry mumbles with red cheeks.

“Did you know she was such a big fan of yours? Because it’s been confirmed by her several times that she is very much into you.”

“I’ve heard about it, yeah. It’s hard not to when she is doing so well, she is everywhere these days and I love her new music as well.”

“Oh, so you’re a fan of hers as well!”

“I definitely am, yeah.”

“Or are you just saying this so she doesn’t feel bad for being so unhinged?” Jimmy teases him laughing.

“I actually am,” Harry admits. “She is an amazing artist and I’ve been definitely listening to her music.”

“I’m not quite convinced, Harry. I have to quiz you to make sure you’re telling the truth!”

“Alright, I’m up for the challenge,” Harry chuckles.

“What was her first big hit?”

“Neon Love, came out in 2017,” he answers without hesitation, earning a round of applause instantly.

“Wow, nailed it! Okay, how many Grammy Awards has she won so far?”

“Three, so she actually has more than me!” Harry chuckles.

“Correct answer again!” Jimmy claps. “Okay, here is a hard one, if you get it right I’m convinced you’re actually a fan. She has a cover on her YouTube channel that has surpassed 33 million views by now. What’s this song?”

“Hello by Adele,” Harry answers again, of course, correctly and he even adds some extra info. “Fun fact, Adele reached out to her after the cover blew up and asked Y/N to perform with her at one of her concerts, they’ve been friends since then.”

“Holy Hell, you really are a fan!” Jimmy laughs with wide eyes.

“I told you!” Harry chuckles shrugging his shoulders. The conversation flows into another direction, but the internet catches onto it last and word gets to you about what he said about you.

You didn’t want to come today. You’ve been working nonstop this past week and all you wanted was to spend Saturday in bed watching Netflix. But you just simply can’t say no to Adele, it’s the law, right?

She texted you earlier that she’s having a barbeque to kick off the weekend and that she expects you to show up looking your best. That’s exactly what she wrote and you questioned why you need to dress up but she left you on read.

Adele left you on read.

So now here you are, looking bomb as hell walking into Adele’s house with a plate of cupcakes in your hands. It’s not your first time here, the two of you have been great friends in the past years, you’ve spend a thanksgiving dinner, several July 4th celebrations and even a New Year’s Eve here.

“My dear Y/N!” she greets you as soon as you walk in. “You look wonderful!”

“Thanks, you asked me to look hot for some reason,” you chuckle as you share a short hug and hand her the cupcakes.

“Sure and you do, come on in, the party is outside!” she announces, pulling you towards the sliding doors that lead out to the massive backyard. She seems extra excited to see you which is always nice, but very odd.

“What’s gotten your panties in a twist?” you chuckle as she pulls you out to the terrace and you wave around to the people.

“Just stay here, I’ll be back in a minute. Stay here, okay?”

“Okay?” you chuckle in confusion.

She disappears inside and you join a group of guests, grabbing a drink for yourself while you wait for her to return. You get so involved in the conversation that you total miss it when the sliding door opens again, only notice that people start to look at you smirking as if they knew something you didn’t.

“Y/N?” you hear Adele call out your name from behind and you turn around, completely unsuspicious, only to almost have a heart attack.

She is standing there with a smug grin on her face and next to her there’s none other than Harry Styles himself, who seems just as shocked to see you as you are to finally see him in real life.

“Oh my fucking God!” you scream and drop to a squatting position, hiding your face in your hands after placing your drink onto the floor next to you.

The guests around you start clapping and cheering while you’re still just squatting in disbelief that you are finally meeting Harry Styles. Luckily, he seems just as starstruck as you are, a blush adorning his face as he covers his mouth while laughing.

“Come on, Y/N, go ahead and greet the man of your dreams!” Adele laughs, tapping your back to get you back up standing.

“I’m gonna pass out!” you shake your head, waving around with your hands before finally mustering up the courage to stand up and look at Harry.

He looks absolutely gorgeous. Even more than you imagined him all these years. He grins back at you, the two of you just staring at each other for a few minutes before he holds out his arms, an invitation for a hug that you gladly accept.

“I’m sorry for my dramatic reaction, but I just can’t believe we are finally meeting,” you admit chuckling as you wrap your arms around his torso while he wraps his muscular arms around your shoulders. He is an amazing hugger, he holds you tight and runs his hands up and down your back while you get lost in his sweet, intoxicating scent.

“I’m flattered you’re so excited to see me,” he chuckles, and then adds: “The feeling is mutual.”

“Oh my God, stop saying things like that or I’ll start crying!” you laugh as you loosen your hold around him. His handsome face come to your sight again and he is all flustered and giddy, just how you feel too, having him so close to you.

“Now you two can finally hit it on instead of just mushing around about each other!” Adele speaks up from the side, a pleased smirk spread across her face.

She was planning this all along and this is why she told you to dress up. She knew you’d be meeting Harry today.

“I guess not just the two of us have been waiting for this to happen finally,” Harry says with a shy smile. “So… can I get you another drink?” he asks, then his eyes move down to the one you put to the ground while you were freaking out. “Or you want to finish that first?”

“Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Adele!” Jimmy announces his next guest and the crowd cheers as she walks out, looking stunning as always.

The hug and take their seats as the clapping dies down.

“It’s so nice to have you here, thank you for dropping by while you’re in the city!”

“Oh, it’s always a pleasure.”

“You’ve been quite busy lately, so it’s so nice you could take the time to have a chat with me. You have new music coming out soon, you must be busy with your son as well,” Jimmy lists and she nods along smiling. “And you’ve been also playing matchmaker too, right?”

“Oh my God, I knew you’d bring it up!” she laughs clapping her hands as a photo of you and Harry comes up, the one that was taken the night the two of you finally met at Adele’s party, and the one that was later posted on Instagram, making your relationship official.

“This is Y/N Y/L/N and Harry Styles we see here, very cozied up, right?”

“Yes, indeed, it’s the lovebirds,” she laughs nodding and the audience cheers at how she called the two of you lovebirds.

“They basically broke the internet when they made it official and I have heard you played a big role in bringing them together, is that right?”

“Absolutely!” she nods proudly. “I’ve known both of them for so long and they were into each other all this time. I mean, Y/N made it pretty obvious, but Harry was like a giggling little school girl too when she was brought up!” She throws her hands up in disbelief. “So I got fed up and brought them together. You should have seen their first time meeting!”

“Well, I’m glad you brought it up, because we do have a short video of that meeting,” Jimmy smirks before a video is played that was shot by probably one of the guests at the barbeque that day.

It’s short, only shows your outburst at seeing him and then you squat down before the hug happens and it cuts out there.

“They were both shitting their pants!” Adele laughs.

“It’s hilarious, but I guess it all turned out to be perfect, right?”

“Of course, they are disgustingly in love and I hope I’ll get an invitation to their wedding,” she jokes.

“I hope I get one too,” Jimmy laughs. “So who are you bringing together next?”

Without missing a beat she answers with a straight face.

“Lizzo and Chris Evans.”

Thank you for reading, please like and reblog if you enjoyed and buy me a coffee if you want to support me!

[lovesongbracket]

Reminder: Vote based on the song, not the artist or specific recording! The tracks referenced are the original artist, aside from a few rare cases where a cover is the most widely known.

Lyrics, videos, info, and notable covers under the cut. (Spotify playlist available in pinned post)

Summertime

Written By: Mikey Way, Ray Toro, Gerard Way & Frank Iero

Artist: My Chemical Romance

Released: 2010

“Summertime” is a ‘new wave’ song, allegedly believed to be written about frontman Gerard Way’s wife, Lyn-z Way. In an interview, Gerard said that it started as a riff Mikey had written, before evolving into a song they ‘couldn’t have the record without.’ “[“Summertime”] is one of the lyrically personal songs on the album, whereas the rest of it is just me talking about my worldview. So it’s a really beautiful song and again—no rules. We can have a soft song.”

[Verse 1] When the lights go out Will you take me with you And carry all this broken bone Through six years down In crowded rooms and highways I call home? Is something I can't know till now Till you picked me off the ground With brick in hand, your lip-gloss smile Your scraped-up knees and [Chorus] If you stay, I would even wait all night Or until my heart explodes, how long until we Find our way in the dark and out of harm? You can run away with me anytime you want [Verse 2] Terrified of what I'd be As a kid, from what I've seen Every single day when people try And put the pieces back together Just to smash them down Turn my headphones up real loud I don't think I need them now 'Cause you stop the noise and [Chorus] If you stay, I would even wait all night Or until my heart explodes, how long until we Find our way in the dark and out of harm? You can run away with me anytime you want [Post-Chorus] Well, anytime you want Well, anytime you want [Guitar Solo] [Bridge] Don't walk away, don't walk away Don't walk away, don't walk away! [Chorus] 'Cause if you stay, I would even wait all night Or until my heart explodes, how long until we Find our way in the dark and out of harm? You can run away with me [Post-Chorus] Or you can write it on your arm You can run away with me Anytime you want

Good Old-Fashioned Lover Boy

Written By: Freddie Mercury

Artist: Queen

Released: 1976

The song was the eighth track on their album “A Day At The Races” which was released in 1976. The song also appeared on “Queens First EP” released in 1977. The song is about how Freddie is an old-fashioned lover, taking his partners on old-school dates such as dancing or dinner, also hinting at the fact that he is a good lover.

[Verse 1] I can dim the lights and sing you songs Full of sad things We can do the tango, just for two I can serenade and gently play On your heart strings Be a Valentino, just for you [Chorus] "Ooh love, ooh lover boy What're you doing tonight? Hey boy" Set my alarm, turn on my charm That's because I'm a good old-fashioned lover boy [Verse 2] Ooh, let me feel Your heartbeat (Grow faster, faster) Ooh, can you feel my love heat? (Ohh) Come on and sit on my hot seat of love And tell me how do you feel, right after all I'd like for you and I to go romancing Say the word, your wish is my command [Chorus] “Ooh love, ooh lover boy What're you doing tonight? Hey boy” Write my letter, feel much better I'll use my fancy patter on the telephone [Bridge] When I'm not with you, think of you always I miss you (I miss those long hot summer nights) When I'm not with you, think of me always Love you, love you Hey boy where do you get it from? Hey boy where did you go? I learned my passion in the good old-fashioned School of lover boys [Guitar Solo] [Verse 3] Dining at the Ritz, we'll meet at nine (One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine o'clock) precisely I will pay the bill, you taste the wine Driving back in style in my saloon will do quite nicely Just take me back to yours, that will be fine (Come on and get it) [Chorus] Ooh love (There he goes again) Ooh lover boy (Who's my good Old-fashioned lover boy?) (Ooh ooh) What're you doing tonight? Hey boy! Everything's all right, just hold on tight That's because I'm a good old Fashioned (Fashioned) lover boy

[heavyhitterheaux]

Missin My Baby

A First Lady of Private Garden Fic

AN: Inspired by my boo @jackharlowsthings thank you mamas for this idea! I hope I did it justice and that you like it!

Synopsis: You and Jack have never been without each other for an extended period of time since you were both 14 years old. So what happens when it's your first tour promoting your new album and he's not with you?

Pairing: Jack Harlow x Rapper!Reader

You tried to quickly wipe away the tears that were threatening to fall as you stood in front of the mirror before your manager Brandi walked into your dressing room to tell you that it was almost time for your set.

"Hey, lil bit. You okay?"

"I'm fine." You answered dabbing at your face so you wouldn't mess up your make up that Julissa had just finished.

"You know this is the second time I caught you crying today. You aren't fine."

"I am. How much time do I have?"

Last thing you wanted to do was explain what was going through your mind and the whirlwind of emotions that came with it.

"I'm going to let that slide for now. But you're on in fifteen."

"Okay."

Truth be told you were overwhelmed.

This was your first big tour and the first time you had ever been away from your husband as well as your best friends for a long period of time.

Jack was so proud of you and the last thing you wanted was to let him down. He really stuck out his neck for you with telling DJ Drama how you were just as talented and deserved to be signed too.

But, one thing was clear.

You missed your husband and couldn't wait for tour to be over.

You missed your bed, your pets, and having some quality down time in order to recharge.

You had been going non stop for an entire year and knew that you were about to break sooner or later.

You felt it.

But you had to be on tour for another month and a half.

Jack had come to your first few shows and stayed with you for two weeks.

Then you were on your own.

You didn't dare tell him that you cried after he left.

The separation anxiety was real.

You made sure to talk to him every day despite the time difference but he noticed that something wasn't quite right.

You never held back anything from one another and Jack knew there was something wrong.

He just didn't know how to approach this because it had never happened before.

You sighed before slipping on your shoes and began to make your way to the stage.

Just another month and a half to go.

--

A smile instantly hit your face when you saw Jack's face pop up on your phone indicating that you had a FaceTime call.

"Smush!" You exclaimed while getting comfortable under the comforter in the bed.

"Hey baby girl. How's everything going?"

"Fine." You shrugged your shoulders because you didn't want to get into it.

You'd rather talk about anything else but being on tour.

"Tell me what's been going on. You haven't really been saying anything when I call you."

"It's just wake up, do interviews, meet and greet, perform, and go to sleep to do it all over again."

"Babe, you're not out with Brandi and Julissa?"

"Hmm, sometimes."

You were now staring off into space and Jack's concern for you was increasing by the second.

It was now or never.

He had to figure out what was wrong with his wife and try to fix it to the best of his ability.

"Baby, what is going on with you? You just seem off."

"I'm fine, Jackman."

"Y/N, chill. I'm just trying to help. We always support each other."

"Oh, do we?"

"Wait a minute. Where is this coming from?"

"It's nothing. Whatever."

"Naw it's not whatever so you better start talking because we not doing this shit."

"Drop it."

"I'm not dropping anything because you literally started this shit. So you want to be an adult and tell me what's wrong or keep being childish?"

"I have things to do, I gotta go."

"The only thing you need to do right now is communicate with your husband!"

"I'm not communicating shit with someone who doesn't give a flying fuck about me."

"What the hell did you just say to me!?"

"You heard me, Jackman. You not fucking deaf!"

"Naw Y/N you must got me confused with someone else because when did I ever and I mean EVER act as if you aren't my entire world?!"

"I'm hanging up now."

That night you cried yourself to sleep. You don't know what came over you to yell at your husband the way you did but the damage was done. After you hung up on him, he called you back multiple times but you didn't answer.

Jack was thoroughly confused and couldn't make sense of what had happened.

Did you feel like he wasn't being supportive enough?

If that was the case then why didn't you tell him?

He was worried about you because you had never acted like this and the two of you had never had an argument that bad in almost the entire ten years that you had been together.

He wanted to be mad at you, he really did.

But, he could tell his girl was hurting and he needed to figure out why she said what she said and felt the way she did so you could go back to being your normal bubbly self that everyone loved.

All of PG went out to dinner that night and Urban could tell that something was wrong with his best friend.

Jack was there, but he wasn't there.

All he could think about was you.

Urban waited until it was just the two of them to confront him and find out what was going on.

"You good?"

Jack looked up from the sparkling water that he was drinking to look in Urban's direction.

"Huh?"

"What's wrong with you? You've been off ever since you called Y/N."

"I really don't even know."

"What do you mean?"

"We had an argument and I can't even tell you what it was about. All I asked her is what had been going on and she went off on me."

"That doesn't sound like her at all."

"Right and then she hung up and I tried to call her back and she never answered."

"You need to ask Brandi."

"I did and all she told me is that she's caught her crying multiple times the past few weeks multiple times a day but she won't talk to her."

"Maybe we could try and get Neelam to talk to her?"

"It can't hurt, but I don't think she'll open up to her either."

Jack really didn't want to ask Neelam, but at this point it couldn't hurt.

She noticed something was off when Jack was having a hard time focusing and confronted him.

He finally told her after twenty minutes and she volunteered to text you.

Neelam- Baby girl! How are you mamas? We miss you!

You- Miss you too. I'm ok.

Neelam- You should know better than to try and lie to me

You- I really am ok.

Neelam- Cut the bullshit

You- Jack told you, didn't he?

Neelam- There really wasn't anything to tell because both of us are confused. The two of you have never had an argument like that and he's been sad ever since

Well fuck

Now you felt like an ass

You- I didn't mean to yell at him 😔

Neelam- Well you need to tell him that and tell him what's wrong. We're all only trying to help. I know it can't be easy being away from him since you two literally would never go anywhere without each other

You- That’s it.

Neelam- What's it?

You- I miss him so much and I am so overwhelmed. I feel like my body is going to shut down and I'm not used to this.

Neelam- You have been going non stop for an entire year. Go talk to your man.

You- He's mad at me 🥺

Neelam- No he's not, he's worried about you. He can barely focus.

You- I have an interview in ten minutes. I will later.

Neelam- Don't forget!

You didn't have an interview, you just didn't know what to say to Jack.

Now the both of you were unable to focus and it was all your fault.

You felt bad and you weren't quite sure where to begin to fix the mess that you had created.

It took a few hours before mustering up the courage to text him knowing that he should be asleep and would see it when he woke up.

You- Stink, I'm sorry for what I said the other day. I know that you only want the best for me and you always tell me how proud you are for doing what you knew I could do all along. I'm just really overwhelmed and I miss you 😔 I'm not used to being away from you this long and I really can't wait until tour is over. I love you and see you soon 💕

It had been more than a day since you sent that text to Jack, but he never responded making your anxiety increase.

You saw where he had read it and nothing else and you just didn't know what to do.

You placed your phone to the side and began to head to the side of the stage since there was only about thirty minutes until your set.

And you would make it a priority to call your husband when you finished.

You had been standing there for about five minutes when you felt arms around you and immediately smelled his cologne which was your favorite on him.

Your eyes immediately began to water as he turned you around and kissed you.

"Baby I'm so.. "

"Smush, why didn't you just tell me you were overwhelmed?"

"I didn't want to let you down and I missed you."

"You can literally never let me down. I actually mentioned the other day how surprised I was because you were taking this all in stride not knowing how it really was affecting you."

"I thought I could handle it, but as soon as you left I just went on auto pilot."

"You have to communicate with me and tell me these things mamas."

"I know. I need to be better at that. But you made me so nervous when you didn't answer my text. I thought you were mad at me."

"I admit I did get mad, but I knew something was wrong. When I saw it, I immediately finished up what I had to do and got the first flight out I could find. You're my wife and I don't care what I have going on, my priority is making sure you're good."

"I just love you so much." You replied while looking up at him and kissing his nose.

"But not more than I love you."

"No, cut it out. We'll be here for eternity because yall will be going back and forth."

"Shut up Brandi!"

"I'm serious! Anyway, get ready. Just a few minutes left"

You turned to Jack one more time before leaning up to get another kiss from him.

"We always need to talk through our emotions, baby because that is never happening again. You tell me the minute that something isn't right. You promise?"

"I promise."

"Good, now go out there and kill it like you usually do because we have some business to take care of later."

"Wait, what?"

"Now you know for a fact I didn't come all this way to not let you ride my face, right?"

Taglist:

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[kindestofkings]

a mastermind [1]

ryan mcmahon x reader

faceclaim:phoebe bridgers

authors note: k so this is kinda an all over the place fic but I had a lot of fun making it so ENJOY! @orangeinecstasy a fellow ryan appreciator, thanks for the brainstorming 🫡

2020

yourusername

liked by rass75 and others

yourusername oi have you listened to NOACF yet?? theres something special in tracks 8,9,10 and 17 or should I say someone 👀

view all other comments

1975fan1 wow can't believe the 1975 broke their own no collabs rule for matty's girl of the week

yourusername you seeing this ratty? Im your girl of the week 😍😍 trumanblack wait JUST one week?? yourusername yeah so short! better cheat on me quick xxx 1975adam I just dont get you two...

rass75 celebration pints?

yourusername like you need any excuse hahah

trumanblack they're ALL special tracks thank you very much.

1975_fanbase the tumblr gays just overloaded thanks!

trumanblack anything for the cause 👍👍👍

ynfan1 really not a 1975 fan but jesus christ 2005 is so amazing, I just bought the album!

bedfordanes75 studio time was sick can we please do it again

yourusername I do need a producer for my next album...

ryanmcmahon_15 just added to their story!

replies:

elijahhewson haha man you good? bobbyskeetz new day same crush inhalerfan1 omg you being a yn is everything!

2022

the1975

liked by yourusername and others

the1975 I'm in love with you. out now.

view all other comments

rass75 🖤🖤

yourusername its good to be back boys

pollymoney so right I am in love with yourusername

yourusername stop im blushin so hard rn heheh

trumanblack loser

yourusername lover* trumanblack eh alright then

ynhealytruther ahhh I missed you guys so much, such a hot couple

1975fan1 since when have they confirmed they're dating??

ynhealytruther

liked by ynfan2 and others

ynhealytruther this is confirmation right?? they HAVE to be dating

view all other comments

ynfan1 ah I really hope not he's kinda old for her no?

1975fan2 yeah tbf it is like 10 years or something...

1975fan1 I hope so they are the definition of bi panic

1975fan2 ew hope not shes kinda ugly

ynhealytruther absolutely no yn slander excepted here! move on with your hate

yourusername

liked by ryanmcmahon_15 and others

yourusername someone just said stop writing songs about sad things and blowjobs. best joke I've ever heard!

view all other comments

trumanblack over my dead boy

yourusername pleaseeee dont tempt me with a good time 😍

1975fan1 are you guys dating?? just confirm it already

1975fan2 class music video!!

ynfan1 please date someone else, hes too old for you!!

bobbyskeetz just added to their story!

man's (celeb) crush is in a relationship (we think) so he's turning to the drink 😔

replies:

inhalerfan1 its yourusername isn't. cause same joshjenkinson_ cause there was defo a chance before hand!

ynfanclub

liked by ynhealytruther and others

ynfanclub guys I'm at yourusernames's secret session ah! look this is her face when people asked if she was dating matty. adorble!!! and THEN HE CAME OUT AND THEY SANG JESUS CHRIST 2005

view all other comments

ynhealytruther oh what a day !!!

ynhealytruther my literal parents

ynfan1 hes literal so old ewww

trumanblack

liked by yourusername and others

trumanblack just friends.

view limited comments

yourusername dw guys he checked my id AND sang robbers beforehand !!

rass75 have you two ever been serious about anything in your lives? yourusername what do you mean I'm taking this job of being matthew healy's controversially young alleged girlfriend VERY SERIOUSLY 😤 trumanblack serious is my middle name mate 😍🔥🤠😎 rass75 why did I even ask....

yourusername

liked by ryanmcmahon_15 and others

yourusername Ireland I am in you. and loving you as per usual! my (second) favourite Irish artist asked me to stop by at his home gig 😢 so so honoured andrew <3

view all other comments

ynfan1 I cant believe this, I'M GOING TO HIS SHOW TOMORROW NIGHT!!!

lucydacus parents.

ynfan2 you said it.

inhalerfan1 bestie for research purposes I need to know who's your fav??

yourusername hmmm research purposes you say .... 🤔 inhalerfan1 ahhh hi omgomgomgomg hello

bobbyskeetz huh @ryanmcmahon_15 see this?

yourusername just added to their story!

replies:

inhalerfan1 OH FUCK YES I KNEW IT I KNEW IT!! inhalerfan1 thank you for answering my question &lt;3 elijahhewson honoured! are you here long? we've a drummer who's a big fan of yours, we could all link up for drinks ? ↳ hi! sounds so fun, I'm here till saturday actually so i've got time! presuming you guys know the best spot for a pint 👀 ↳ elijahhewson sir mcmahon knows the place!

joshjenkinson_ just added to their story!

replies:

ryanmcmahon_15 im never coming down from this. and I'll never stop talking about it

elijahhewson still havent recovered from the incredibly girlish scream he let out hahah

bobbyskeetz a king, ill never question him again

yourusername

liked by trumanblack and others

yourusername psa: offically go ON THE RECORD that I am not dating anyone of these wonderful human beings that are my friends. although they are very beautiful and even hotter, we're all just a homies that are a lil bit fruity 💅

view all other comments

trumanblack wait what?? I thought we were married? what am I telling the kids ???

yourusername tell em their mother is in her hot girl era and their dad's a LOSER

bedfordanes75 you are such a mystery, how does your brain work 🤔

ynhealytruther nooooooo NO say sike rn RIGHT NOW

1975fan1 yay! theres still a chance 😎

inhalerfan1 oh this is really feeding my delusions hehehe

yourusername just added to their story!

y'all are gonna be so proud I'm off to go SOCIALISE with NEW people ahh 🔥🔥

replies:

trumanblack ooh is this the drinks with bono's sons band? ↳ yourusername you betcha, trading in the nepo baby in my life for a newer model xx rass75 I cannot believe you manifested this. go get that celeb crush ↳ yourusername welll if you insist ! ynfan1 you are soooooo me coded hahahha

AHH how we doing?? Go read part two please 🫶🏼

part 2

[shina913]

On Tilt, Part 4 | KNJ

On Tilt, Part 4

Definition: a poker term for a state of mental or emotional confusion or frustration in which a player adopts a suboptimal strategy, usually resulting in the player becoming overly aggressive.

On Tilt Masterlist

Pairing: Namjoon x Fem!Reader

Rating: M 🔞

Genre: idol!AU; strangers-to-FWB-to-lovers; toxic relationship; angst; fluff; smut

Warnings: cussing; vulnerable confessions; explicit and suggestive sexual conversations; making out; heavy petting/groping; unbelievable amount of cheesiness and fluff--it's disgusting how these two have it so bad for each other!

Summary: You’ve said time and time again that you wouldn’t lose yourself to him. You were in control now. You were going to make better choices. For a minute there, you were able to keep up with it. It wasn’t ‘til Namjoon’s extended break that you found yourself falling into old habits. Will you ever learn to quit Kim Namjoon?

Word count: 3,570 words

A/N: I'm sorry...this came out wayyyyy cheesier than I intended. But hey, I've been writing a lot of angst lately, I wanted a change of pace! This is the song they sing to. Namjoon posted it on his IG stories a while back 🙊

ALSO!!! Please don't be a silent reader! My inbox and DMs are open. Comment, reblog, scream at me, send me an emoji--whatever. It fuels me and motivates me to continue writing! 😘

[Namjoon] 6:05PM: Can’t wait until this album is mastered and goes through print. It was fun and all but…damn, I really miss you.

His text made you grin at your screen like an idiot.

He wasn’t kidding when he said he’d be busy. He was practically on lockdown finishing up loose ends on a couple of tracks and going through each soundwave with a fine-toothed comb.

That was how Namjoon was. He was always passionate about his work, and always wanted to constantly evolve. He loved art but was never one to be content with stagnation. He wasn’t going to be locked into four corners of a frame.

You admired that about him…but it also scared you in a way. In the back of your mind, you thought, maybe it took him a while to come around to this agreement because he didn’t want to be tied down to begin with.

It was a daunting and disappointing thought but you brush it aside when his follow-up text comes in.

[Namjoon] 6:07PM: What do you think about a quiet night-in at my place? I’ll order dinner and we can just hang out. No more boners, I promise 😇

That elicited a laugh from you. Truthfully, you didn’t mind it but you had to stick to your guns.

[You] 6:08PM: 😋 Sounds good, I can’t wait! Missed you, too.

[Namjoon] 6:10PM: I also got a new firepit installed on my balcony–totally safe, BTW. No open flame! I just push a button 😅

You laughed again.

[You] 6:10PM: Oohh cozy!

[Namjoon] 6:11PM: It is! I also got some new furniture and a blanket with our names on it.😏

[You] 6:11PM: Sounds romantic…

[Namjoon] 6:11PM: That’s the goal 😘 I’ll see you in two days.

******

“Fuck…” you croaked after coughing up icky, yellow-green mucus into the sink. This was bad, you thought. Namjoon was supposed to pick you up tonight and you woke up this morning feeling all foggy.

Yesterday, you thought the scratchy throat was brought on by allergies. You took an antihistamine before bed to stave it off. But now, you were all congested, looking like death after mere hours.

“Hey, are you okay in there?” Lani asks out of concern from the other side of the bathroom door.

You open it to greet her and she looks horrified when she sees your bloodshot eyes, pale skin and overall disheveled appearance.

“Really? It’s that bad?”

“I mean…” The look of hesitation on her face all but confirmed it. 

“Damn,” you groaned. “I was really looking forward to this date, too.”

Immediately, she tries to sound consoling. “You know what? I’m sure he’ll understand. It’s that time of the year, everyone’s getting sick.” 

Sure, she made a fair point. She was a nurse at a hospital and she knew all too well that this year’s flu season has been particularly brutal. You were just glad that you didn’t feel bad enough to require hospital admission.

But for some reason, that thought wasn’t comforting enough. “It’s been over three weeks and I really miss him,” you whined.

Back then, you’d go long stretches without seeing Namjoon and it wasn’t a big deal. You just shrugged your shoulders and thought you’d catch each other again ‘next time.’

Lani puckered her lips comically and glanced below your waist. “Guess you’re regretting that 5-date rule right about now, huh?”

You rolled your eyes at her. “Shut up,” you dismissed her before walking past her to go back to your room.

“Girl, who cares? It’s not like you had a contract or whatever. Nobody’s taking you to court if you break your rule–”

“Yes, but I know it! And Namjoon knows it! And…”

“Okay, okay, I’m only teasing,” she backed off. “Want me to make you some chicken noodle soup before I take a nap?” Lani had been picking up extra shifts in the evenings since they had been short-staffed at the hospital.

While soup sounded good, the concept of sinking yourself back under your covers seemed more appealing.

“Nah, you go and sleep. I’ll order from the food app or something. I just had a little bit of yogurt before I took my cold medicine.”

“Alright. Just set an alarm every 3.5 hours, if you want to stay on top of it,” she yawns.

******

“Joon, I can’t tonight…”

Delete.

“I woke up sick, can we resche–”

Delete.

“Ugh, why is this so hard? Just be straight with him,” you say to yourself before finally typing up a text to Namjoon.

You checked your watch again. Around this time, he was on a plane coming back from a schedule. You couldn’t afford to wait a few more hours until he landed because he’d be coming straight from the airport to your place.

[You] 10:15AM: I know that we were really looking forward to tonight but I just came down with the flu. I feel like crap and I don’t want to get you sick. Can we do a raincheck in a few days?

You send it off and sink back into your blankets to doze off.

******

Somewhere between naps, you are awakened by the smell of food. You checked your watch for the time–it was too late for lunch and still early for dinner. You figured Lani ended up making you soup…she was such a saint. You didn’t deserve her love! 

Next, you reached for your phone to check for calls. There were a couple of ‘hope you feel better’ emails from your team and a voicemail from Jia saying that she could drop off stuff at your door if you ever needed anything.

Oddly, there was nothing from Namjoon even though the notification below the text that you sent to him indicated that he read it over two hours ago.

You felt crestfallen that he didn’t even acknowledge it. You wanted to send a follow-up text to ask about his trip but thought you’d go and have a couple of bites to eat so you could take your next dose of cold medicine. 

You wandered out into the kitchen, fully expecting to catch Lani as she headed out the door for work. 

Your coughing announced your presence. “That smells good. Are you…" You are stopped dead in your tracks. "Joon?” 

He turned around with the biggest grin on his face. “Hey, how are you feeling?”

“W-wait, what are you…I thought–” You stuttered.

“You think you can get rid of me that easily?” He chuckled.

You laughed hoarsely. “I wasn’t trying to get rid of you. As you can see,” you open up your arms, as if presenting yourself to him, “I don’t look so hot right now.”

He took two strides and rounded the kitchen counter to get to you. “Do you think I care about that? I was looking forward to spending time with you and I wanted to do everything I could to make that happen.”

You wanted to swoon on the spot…until you noticed that he wasn’t wearing a face mask.

“But wait…you’ll get sick?”

He laughed softly, curling his arms around your waist. “I’ll be fine, baby. The whole group just got over a virus–and it missed me!”

You scoffed. “Oh, right–and with my luck, it’ll be me giving it to you.”

He shook his head, giving your hips a light squeeze. “You won’t. Aren’t you glad to see me?” He pouted his lips.

His subtle gesture made your belly flutter and your cheeks warm up. Glad to know that everything was still in good working order, you thought.

You gave a small smile. “Yes, of course.”

He flashed his dimple before kissing your forehead.

Taking your hand to urge you towards the kitchen, he says, “C’mon, I brought something that I thought might help you feel better.”

You took two steps before, realization sank in. “Hold on–how did you get in? Is Lani still here?” You’d been asleep for hours.

“No but I called her and,” he hesitates for a beat, “I…kind of… met her…at her workplace to borrow her keys?” He drags out slowly.

You eyed him suspiciously.

“She was cool with it and all she asked me to do was leave the key up on the lip of the doorframe so she could get in tomorrow morning.”

With a soft sigh, you nodded, appreciating the effort. Your eyes suddenly shift towards the kitchen, remembering what brought you out here in the first place. “D-did you cook?” These were words you never thought you’d ask him.

He threw his head back and let out a hearty laugh. “I wish but I don’t think you or Lani would forgive me if I burned your place down. I ordered some takeout–” He says, walking over to the counter, the bags finally coming into view. “I thought you might like some chicken pho?”

You couldn’t deny, that sounded amazing.

Sensing your acquiescence, he urges you to sit at the breakfast bar while he pours soup and noodles into bowls for both of you.

You asked if you could sit on the couch instead since you were feeling woozy and your warm throw blanket was calling your name. 

“Wherever you feel comfortable,” he replies. “I got some imperial rolls, too–I remembered that you liked them.”

“I do.” You smiled appreciatively at his thoughtfulness.

It’s been years since you both went out for good Vietnamese food. You registered the familiar green takeout bags on the counter. To most people, it looked like generic to-go bags but you recognize them coming from the hole-in-the-wall place that you and Namjoon used to go to.

After settling comfortably on the couch, he comes around, bowls in both hands and sets them on the coffee table in front of you. He turns back around to bring the pho add-ins along with the deep-fried eggrolls.

He takes the spot next to you and hands you a pair of chopsticks, which you accept. While he busies himself with the basil and lime, you couldn’t help but stare at him.

He turned his head in your direction. “You want some sriracha–what? Why are you staring?” he chuckled in curiosity.

“Nothing, I just…” at a loss for words, you just smiled, “Thank you.”

He gazed at you for a few seconds before responding, “You’re welcome. C’mon, eat up.”

******

After dinner, you tidied up together. Namjoon had music playing on your bluetooth speaker. As you reach for the rinsed dish that he held out for you to put on the rack to dry, he surprises you by grabbing your hand instead and deftly setting the bowl on the counter. A couple of pushes of a button on his phone with his free hand, he turned up the song’s volume.

Catching you around the waist, he pulls you close to him into a dance. You giggle as he sings along to the song that you recognize.

You can't disguise all the pounding of your heart, yeah I see your eyes And you can't hide

You laugh when he hits the falsetto but he’s too into it to stop.

Start to make sense and quit playing These love games… Tell me what you're gonna do, yeah

You join him when the chorus hits, dancing along to the beat. When the music dropped for the bridge, he pulls away slightly and then squints his eyes at you. He enunciates every word emphatically.

I just want to know one thing Will you be with me?

Hearing the words in his rich baritone made you catch your lower lip with your teeth. You grinned and matched his enthusiasm when you sang the rest of the words to him.

Here comes my darlin’ Here comes romance Here comes my lovin’, please honey will you dance

You pull him back closer to you, grinding against his body as the music swells again.

Then, he threw his head back dramatically to sing the chorus, “Quit breaking my heaaaaartttt…” You both burst out laughing as his voice cracks at the note that was clearly out of his vocal range.

When you calmed down, you looked up into his face. He was watching you with dark, glittering eyes.

“I love hearing you laugh like that,” he said, and you knew he wanted treasured memories like that between you. “It makes me think that I’m doing something right.”

“You are,” you assured him, even as your throat tightened at the sight of his yearning.

“I want to be that person who always puts a smile on your face.”

Slowly, you bring your hand up to cup his nape. “You already do.” With that, you pulled his mouth down to yours. As your lips touched, he hugged you so tightly your feet lifted off the floor.

This relationship may not have started out for the right reasons. You were both young and impulsive back then. 

But now, you were both trying hard to better yourselves for each other. Here was a man who wanted you both to work as desperately as you did. You were finally on the same page.

******

“The girl did it,” you blurted out decisively. 

Namjoon’s fingertips paused from drawing circles around your abdomen. “What? No way!”

You were sprawled lengthwise on the couch, watching Forensic Files. He was spooned behind you, his chin on your shoulder and his legs tangled with yours.

“I’m telling you…classic sociopath,��� you told him matter-of-factly.

He scoffed. “I think it was the grandma.”

You gasped, eyes widening in shock. “Oh my god!” You tilted your head to look back at him. “She’s clearly only protecting her granddaughter!”

He grinned and smacked a kiss on your cheek. “Wanna bet on who’s right?”

You snorted. “Sorry, I’m not a gambler.”

“Aw, come on…” He rose up on his elbow to look down at you.

You tutted. “Nope! Besides, I know I’m right. I’ve seen enough of these shows to figure out a pattern.”

As you scooted closer to him, you felt his crotch against the curve of your bottom. He wasn’t hard, but that didn’t stop him from gaining your attention. Curiously, you reached behind you and cupped him.

He arched an eyebrow at you. “Is there anything we can do for you?”

You laughed as you withdrew your hand. “I’m just checking to see if everything is still in its place. You’ve been on your best behavior considering we’re in a tricky position.”

“Maybe because I don’t want to push you too far and scare you off.” Namjoon’s eyes glittered from the light of the TV screen.

“How considerate of you.”

He nuzzled his nose against your temple. “I’m willing to wait however long. Five, ten, twenty dates…whatever you want.”

You wriggled your body to face him. “What about what you want?”

“I thought I made it clear last time that I only wanted you?”

You try to stifle a smile but are spectacularly failing at it. “What if I decided to scrap our no-sex agreement,” you whispered. Your pointer and middle fingers did a ‘walking’ motion up on his chest. “Would you think I was being too easy?”

He watched your fingers then shifted his eyes back to look into yours. “I’d be too busy thinking how lucky I was to have the privilege.” He traced your eyebrow with the tip of his finger.

You seriously considered it. Lani was right, it wasn’t like breaking your agreement would have any legal repercussions. You were both adults!

You cleared your throat in an attempt to strengthen your resolve. “Could we settle with a makeout session for the time being?”

“Make out? What are we, in junior high?” His head fell back and he laughed, his chest vibrating against you. It was a husky, deep tone, your toes curled at the sound of it. 

You pushed at his shoulder. “Come on! Nobody makes out anymore. Everyone just wants to get right into fucking. Don’t you miss that feeling of being so into each other but aren’t quite ready to go all the way yet?”

He slow-blinks at you, wondering what point you were trying to make.

“You know, when I was in the 8th grade, there was this boy—“

“I’m going to need to stop you right there,” he cuts you off. “I really do not want to think about other people kissing you.”

You purse your lips and apologize. “I’m sorry…” Your hands crept under his shirt, gliding over his warm skin. Your lips moved against his jawline. “So…does that mean that you don’t want to suck face?”

“Baby, I’ll suck on any part of your body I can get my mouth on,” he answers point-blank.

“Why don’t we start here for now,” You tap your finger against your lips and he takes them, sealing his mouth softly over yours. His tongue traced the seam, then dipped inside, licking and teasing.

You burrowed into him, moaning when he shifted to lie half over you. 

Your hands slid up and down his back, your leg lifting to hook over his hip. You caught his lower lip between your teeth and licked the curve with the tip of your tongue.

The low growl he let out made you wet.

Your back arched as his hand slid underneath the hem of your hoodie and captured your bare breast, rolling your nipple between his thumb and forefinger.

“Are you sure you didn’t plan this,” he murmured. He kissed his way to your temple, and then buried his nose in your hair. “You’re making it really hard to last through two more dates.”

You pull away from him briefly. “Listen–I had no idea that you were coming over, okay,” you argued. “I didn’t know I had to be in proper underwear around you.”

He chuckled at your defensiveness. “I’m kidding,” he plants a quick kiss on your lips. “Can we just continue making out?”

You narrowed your eyes playfully at him. “You’re lucky, you’re cute.” You pushed past his joggers to squeeze his butt. The heat of his skin and his natural scent was a heady mix for you. It made you feel drunk with lust and need.

His mouth covered yours and you fisted at his hair, urging him closer to you with your arms and legs wrapped around him.

“I want you so much,” he rasped in between kisses.

You moaned in agreement, your mouth moving feverishly against his.

Namjoon held you with one hand at your nape and the other at your waist. Settling over you, he aligned himself against you and rolled his hips to your center.

“Mm, that felt so good,” you groaned, nails digging into his flesh while your insides clenched.

“Imagine how much better it would feel inside you,” he purred.

You nipped at his lower lip, giggling. “Are you trying to convince me to go all the way?”

“I can slide right in,” He sucked gently on your throat, making your core tremble hungrily. “You don’t even have to do anything. You can just lay back and watch me do all the work.”

It was incredibly tempting. He was rock-hard and you were primed and ready for him. All he needed to do was hook his finger to your leggings’ waistband.

You playfully puckered your lips and arched an eyebrow at him. “Hmm…I don’t know. I’m not that kind of girl anymore.”

His hand squeezed your hip bone, eliciting a light squeal from you.

Brushing his mouth over yours, he whispered, “If you don’t like it once it’s in you, I promise I’ll pull right out.”

You scrunch your face humorously at him. “Do people still fall for that line?”

He stared back at you in all seriousness. “You know I’d never feed you lines. I mean every word.”

You gripped the curves of his butt and rocked up against him, making him purr in excitement. Reveling in his playfulness, you teased, “And do you say that to all of the girls?”

His eyebrows knitted. “What other girls?”

“Oh, you know…” you sighed, “You’re Kim Namjoon, international idol. All these women, screaming for you to walk into their waiting arms.”

“You say that, and yet, I’m here in yours,” he lifted his head, his fingertips brushed the hair from your temple, “...where I belong.”

His words hit you like a freight train. You swallowed hard and whispered, “Fuck, what a line! Fine, go ahead and put it in.”

He pressed his forehead against yours, his breathy laugh warming your cheeks. “It’s unbelievable how crazy I am about you.”

You smiled back. “Well, believe it, because I am, too.”

You spent the rest of the night kissing and groping each other like horny teenagers but never went all the way. There was just something thrilling about that youthful, almost forbidden intimacy.

Hours later, you fell asleep in each other’s arms on your bed. You woke the next morning to the sound of his phone going off—work was calling and he had to leave.

As he prepares to head out, he tucks you back securely under your covers, and plants a kiss on your forehead.

When he pulls away, you utter, “Hmmm...I love you,” in the midst of your cold medicine-induced haze.

Before he could respond, you drowsily rolled over onto your side and fell back to sleep. You would wake up nearly an hour later, completely unaware of your words or whether he said anything back.

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[smolwritingchick]

The Bangtan Gal Chapter 86- WINGS 8

Chapter Summary: After 3 years, Jennie finally dyes her hair for a BTS comeback and films her WINGS 8 Concept video.

Words: 9,000+

Author's Note: Some smol angst regarding Jimin's diet during the BST era. And mentions of anxiety. I apologize in advance :(

I'm going to create a smol chapter when it's around that time for the love yourself videos. I'd like to put my spin on it, not going too much into the crazy theories. I'm hoping to write more of Jen's story for it. And I wonder if I made it obvious who found Jennie for her WINGS video at the end of the chapter. I'll write about all that when it's around 2017 in the story. Some ideas sparked in my head when those videos were released years ago and I kept them in my old documents. I gotta revisit them and check out everything. 

 I had thought of this idea for her concept video and decided to just stick with it and have fun with it instead of stressing about making her fit "perfectly" in this comeback. Supernatural type of shiz. And I did some research on using a Damien quote from the book to add to it. I think it fits quite well imo.

I lost count of how many times I changed Jennie's WINGS song. It's getting ridiculous at this point. But for this, I decided to go a different route. Jennie has said that she wants to be a versatile artist, especially as she looked up to Rihanna as an inspiration for that, singing in different genres. 

I LOVE PVRIS! One of my favorite groups. I'm not too big on their new music and the direction they're going musically these days but am always vibing to their old stuff. I truly miss their old sound tbh.

I decided to choose a song called I Don't Wanna Do This Anymore from PVRIS' latest album, for Jen's song. I really like the vibe as it would showcase her skills on the launchpad and I love the lyrics. I'll probably switch it up a little bit. I wanted her song for WINGS to be blunt and a bit sad. Like literally she is telling people she does not want to do this anymore. She does not want to perform, she does not want to be famous, she wants out, which was how she felt during the situation of her sister's play and getting mobbed by all those people. So, she'll express those negative feelings in the song. And I thought of her changing the lyrics to be more optimistic as the song goes on. Maybe for the chorus. I even thought of the fan chant ARMY would do. She would sing negatively, and they'd respond positively. For instance, when RM sang "I wish I could love myself." for Reflection and ARMY shouted, "WE LOVE YOU!"

So yeah, I think that's it. I'm rambling but I'm not going to overthink it too much when it comes to her song for this album. I had a vision for her WINGS video and I kind of hope it makes sense. So I'm just going to go with the flow :) Happy reading!!

--------

Jennie made it back to America safely and Facetimed the boys to let them know. She was lying on her bed, feeling the jetlag as the boys expressed how much they were already missing her. After speaking to them, she finally had one on one time with Yoongi.

"And thanks again for the cookies. I tried to make them stretch but it was too good," he said. "Now I have to impatiently wait for you to return to make me some more,"

She giggled at that. "Sounds like a plan. I'm happy the mixtape is being well received,"

"Me too. So many streams on SoundCloud. Thank you again for your help,"

"Always. I knew it would do well,"

Once July 31/August 1 hit, How's This was finally released and Jennie got to watch the two Music Videos as well as the jacket shooting. She and Hyuna looked fun and the visuals were astounding. Now, of course, there were those kinds of fans that would complain that Jennie was acting 'too grown'. She already saw tweets about it with fans babying her and saying that she shouldn't act too sexy. But she chose to ignore it and just enjoy what she and Hyuna created.

She thought about the filming as she watched the jacket shooting video.

-------

Dressed in one of many outfits for the video, Jennie and Hyuna awaited instructions while they stood on the set that resembled a club different from the first music video.

"I'm getting more comfortable with this sexy vibe because of you. Doing this with you, I feel at ease. So, I am so stoked to be here with you today," Jennie told her with a smile.

Hyuna looked relieved. "I'm happy. I was a little nervous asking you if you wanted to do this. I sighed out of relief when I got confirmation that this collab was a go,"

When they saw that Cube wanted to film a documentary on this music video, they waved at the camera.

"Today Jennie is with me to film! I am so happy that she is a part of this fun song," Hyuna said, clapping her hands.

"Hi~!" Jennie hugged her from behind, waving to the camera. "We are ready to shoot~!"

"This is going to be fun! Stay tuned!"

Jennie let go of her and cheered, "Fighting!"

"Fighting!" she high fived her.

Jennie was filmed first and they started with shots of her being sexy and having fun inside the club while lip-syncing the song. Walking through the club, she met up with Hyuna who danced along with her. For How's This with the version with Jennie in it, the choreography was different and looked more fluid instead of all the body shaking. In Jen's opinion, this choreography fit better for the song after working on new moves with Hyuna. They performed the choreography in the crowd and then did some twerking shots.

As the crew prepared for the next take, the camera showed Jen and Hyuna talking again.

"How was the first music video shoot?" Jennie asked.

"It was fun! It went well. I kissed one of the guys on camera," Hyuna felt flustered about the mature kiss.

"OOP!" Jen covered her mouth, making her giggle and hold onto her. She turned to the camera and repeated herself, "OOP!"

For another shot, after an outfit change, Hyuna and Jennie danced together behind a background. It reminded them of a honeycomb as they lip-synced.

Before Jen knew it, she was in the area she wanted to film at the most. The DJ booth.

"My happy place. Look at it. I am in love," she pointed over to the DJ booth. "Errbody throw yo hands up, we getting' hot, hot, hot, hotter!" she sang her verse from fire cutely before giggling.

When filming commenced, she approached the DJ and asked if she could take over. Winking at him, she placed the headset on and began mixing for the party while dancing around. The party got more lively once she began to DJ while Hyuna joined her as they lip-synced the chorus.

eottae igeon eottae

eottae chumchuja

Up dwae igeon Up dwae

Up dwae chumchuja

Jen was filmed all over the place for her shots. Hyuna had a lot of shots already from the previous music video and Cube just needed more Jen and then her together with Hyuna. Shots consisted of her lying across a table while lip-syncing, dancing on the table, then filmed against the wall as she flipped her hair and swayed her hips around.

"Is this too much?" Jen giggled as she watched her shots with Hyuna.

'As if looks could kill. Her piercing gaze against the screen flusters Jennie'

"Oh no, I bit my lip," she laughed. "I didn't even notice. Pure instinct. We look good, though,"

The last shot consisted of a dance battle. Jennie had a group of black dancers with her against Hyuna and her dancers.

----------

Jennie smiled at the memory and was excited to perform it live near award season. After watching the videos, she scrolled through Twitter and saw what was going on. BlackPink had recently debuted and she loved their debut music videos. Although she was still hurt about 2NE1, she loved seeing new groups debut.

But because one of the BlackPink members was also named Jennie, it started some fan wars, which made no sense at all.

'Netizens compare BTS' Jennie to BlackPink's Jennie. Who is better?' read the latest controversial ALLKPOP article.

It didn't sit right with BlackPink and BTS fans as the comment section was filled with mixed reactions. It was drama waiting to explode.

'So we have a Black Jennie and a Korean Jennie'

'There can only be ONE Jennie and I choose BTS' Jennie'

'BP's Jennie is what BTS' Jennie wishes she was'

'Ugh STOP already'

'I think BTS' Jennie is better.'

'BP's Jennie has more charisma. BTS' Jennie still hasn't shown what she is all about. Her part in fire was cute but I wish she did more. I kinda gave up on her as my bias and moved on to Jimin'

'LOL I bet BTS' Jennie is threatened by BP's Jennie'

'BlackPink's Jennie showed more effort and energy in her debut than BTS' Jennie. Just stating facts. I'd take BlackPink's debut over BTS' any day'

'Jennie and Jennie. I love it. I hope they meet'

'Are you serious?!'

'Ew wtf is this article?'

'BlackPink's Jennie is still a rookie. She has a long way to go before getting up to BTS' Jennie's level'

'Can you not? This is disrespectful to both girls. They both are doing great'

'I'm tired of people comparing groups. Just love and support both'

'I hope they become friends'

'Eh...BP's Jennie is better and prettier. She wears better outfits too. BTS' Jennie has been looking rough for a while. She gained a few pounds too. I miss her debut look'

'Who cares? They both flop'

'BlackPink's Jennie ain't even all that.'

'The difference is BlackPink's Jennie knows how to rap. BTS' Jennie's little Full Moon cover wasn't that great. She annoying af'

'BTS' Jennie just doesn't have that IT factor like BP's Jennie does.'

'I like Blackpink's Jennie more'

''Stop pitting women against women. It's disgusting'

'Delete this article. They're both great'

Jennie frowned and rolled her eyes at the name of the article and scrolled past to look at something more positive. It seemed like they were trying to get her to reply and react but she refused. First, they did this with Alex Reid, and now BlackPink's Jennie. It needed to stop. She was not going to be the "mean girl" that the media wanted her to be and make people think that she hated or was jealous of other female idols like Alex and Jennie Kim.

The last thing she was going to do was let the media try to make her think negatively about someone whom she hadn't met. She refused to be sucked into this jealous and petty scenario with BlackPink's Jennie. She was excited about what BlackPink would be doing and wished the best for them.

Suddenly she received a notification from V-Live about Hobi going live and began to watch it.

"Oh, that's right. Bangtan is in Japan for their concerts," she murmured.

"We had our concert, tonight. It didn't feel the same without Munchkin with us. Jennie, if you are watching, I hope you are doing well," Hobi said on camera in his hotel room.

"Doing good, missing you guys," she sighed.

But then something weird happened on the live. The comments started bringing up other members. Fans then began to ask for Jungkook, V, Jimin, and Yoongi.

"No, they didn't..." Jennie looked on in disbelief at the comments.

All Hobi wanted was to spend time with Armies and now this happened. It made her upset and then she watched as he went to Jimin's room and then left abruptly after a few minutes. Jimin was also stunned because it was Hobi's phone on the live so what in the world?

Unable to keep her thoughts to herself, she went to Twitter to tweet about it.

'Are you KIDDING me? Did you REALLY just ask for other members while J-Hope was trying to talk to you? #Jen'

'No, like really the amount of disrespect is completely unacceptable. The hell is wrong with some of y'all? #Jen'

'You got me ALL the way f'ed up! Don't ever do that to Hobi #Jen'

'We take time out of our day to talk to you one on one but you ask for the others? You need to consider our feelings and how bad it makes us feel. #Jen'

Her tweets blew up and spread like wildfire as fans were commenting sorry and tweeted sad emojis. A lot agreed with her tweets while some others began to complain that she was overreacting.

'I know right!? Like how dare them?!'

'Ennie, we're sorry'

'These fans are so disrespectful. Please don't think all ARMY are like this.'

'I am so bothered by them doing that crap.'

'omg shut up,'

'You must be one of them asking for other members if you're telling her to shut up. YOU shut up! Jennie is speaking facts!'

'What are you so extra for? Calm down,'

'Here she goes always sticking her nose in everyone's business. All the way in America. Just stay in America and go away,'

'I cannot believe they did that. Ugh'

'GO OFF SIS! This infuriates me! Hobi don't deserve this'

'I'm so sad...'

'We don't deserve him'

'I cannot believe this. And they call themselves an Army?'

'Yeah...my heart is broken'

'IM SOOOOO MAD!'

'The sweetest sunshine ever and gets treated like this. I want to cry'

Jen then tweeted one final tweet before going on a social media break.

'ARMY, don't apologize to me. Apologize to Hobi...#Jen'

Later that evening after Jimin ended the live that was supposed to be him and Hobi, she facetimed him after he got his phone back.

"Hey, Jennie," J-Hope greeted with a fake smile but she saw right through it.

"Nah uh. Don't do that. Screw them for making you feel like that,"

"It's okay. Don't worry about it," he shook his head. "They just want to see the other members,"

"No. I will worry about it. You're upset and bummed out. I understand. I wish I was there to take you out and treat you to food or something. That was so rude of them and they are so ungrateful. Those aren't real fans. Don't let them get to you, okay? You have real fans who love and appreciate you. Love and respect you. Love and support you," she went on as he listened.

"Hobi, they can call me annoying or whatever for my tweets, I don't care. What just happened was wrong and unfair," she declared. "And if you don't want to be vocal about it, then I will because I refuse to sit here and let people do this to you. You don't deserve that. You should get just as much love and affection as the rest of us. I love and cherish you. Always. Don't ever forget that. I'm going to always have your back,"

Hobi broke out into a huge smile at her words and began to feel better. "Thank you, Jennie. I appreciate you cheering me up,"

--------

While being home, Jen spent the majority of her time in her room which was also her mini studio. Although she wasn't physically there with the group to work on their upcoming album, she still did her part and sent in her vocals and instrumentals.

For the WINGS album, she was going to be more involved in the music. For now, everyone is focused on their solo songs. She was first involved in working on Jungkook's song, Begin. Since she had been home, Jungkook had sent her his vocals and asked if he sounded OK. Every time was better than the last which boosted his confidence as he recorded. Jennie's role in his song was to play the guitar.

With her headphones on her ears, she played the guitar smoothly under his angelic vocals. Begin was about his journey to Seoul and meeting Bangtan. It was beautiful. The lyrics did not mention her but talked more about the rest of the boys. His brothers. Jungkook kept apologizing to her about it and said he had something planned for her in the future. She was not bothered by it at all and understood. If anything, her curiosity towards what he had planned for her rose as she thought about what he was going to do.

After sending the music back to Big Hit, she got confirmation that it was great and continued working on the rest of her assigned songs. Next up was Jimin's song called Lie. She worked on the background vocals and guitar for his song. Out of every solo song by the guys, this one was her favorite and she was so proud of him for his efforts. She couldn't help but smile as she listened to the demo track after putting her recorded guitar chords in it.

Closing her eyes, she began to focus on the emotion of the song and pondered on her background vocals. This song was about lying and the conflict due to lies and temptation. So, she wanted to try to have some emotion and desperation in her vocals to fit the tone. She recorded her light breathy 'yeahs' in the beginning and sang 'Naega malhae' under his voice.

Be smooth like a like a snake

beoseonago sipeunde

Hearing an opening instrumental part after his voice, she hummed but shook her head, stopping the song.

"Nah...maybe it should be better. Humming is too common. I should do something different," she pondered, taking off her headphones.

She spent the next hour working on what would fit during that part. Her notebook with crossed out words and random lyrics was all over her papers as she worked on thinking what would work for his song. She wanted something to pop and to be memorable.

"Ah...woo...woo." she wrote down. 

She began to sing it out several times in diverse ways until she found a tone that fit with the song. 

"I should make it a little haunting when I edit it. A tad bit of autotune or something..."

Putting her headphones back on, she stood by her microphone and pressed record as it played Jimin's song. The first opening notes were clear enough to give listeners one hell of an eargasm. The producers that put the violin and other string instruments were geniuses.

"Yeah," she said in a high, breathy tone while looking at her notebook in her hands.

As soon as Jimin's voice filled her ears, she sang softly under his vocals, "Naege malhae..."

Neoui dalkomhan misoro naege

"Naege malhae..."

soksagideut nae gwitgae malhae

"Yeah. Don't be like a prey, be smooth like a like a snake,"

beoseonago sipeunde

Finding that inner strength in her voice, she belted out, "Ah woo woo~"

naegeseo tteona tteona tteonajwo

naegeseo tteona tteonajwo

"Ah woo woo~"

mworado nareul nareul guhaejwo

nareul guhaejwo

This song was such a bop as she swayed around to the song, focused.

gyesokdwae domangchyeobwado

geojit soge ppajyeoisseo

Caught in a lie!

"I'm drowning, I'm losing myself. I can't disobey, I can't break away..." she sang emotionally under his vocals.

nae useumeul dollyeonwajwo

Caught in a lie!

"This torment gets worse every day."

i gotongeseo heeonal su eobseo

beolbanneun nareul guhaejwo

After recording everything multiple times, she went on to edit and made sure her vocals fit nicely under his. Things were coming together as that bright smile appeared on her face. She was so satisfied with this. She hoped he and the producers like it when they did their final touches.

Her phone buzzed and she sat back in her seat to read a text from Jimin.

Jimin: Ennie, I know you're awake! Don't stress over it too much. Get some sleep, okay? We can work on the song tomorrow.

Jen: Facetime me. I just sent you what I created :D

It didn't take long for them to be on Facetime together as Jimin was thrilled to see her face.

"Ennie! What time is it over there?"

"Late but it's okay," she said and yawned.

"You should really go to bed. You look so sleepy," he looked concerned for her when he noticed her tired eyes.

"I know, I know. I will."

"I miss you," he pouted.

"And I miss you, too. Don't worry, I'll be back in Korea before you know it,"

"Well, I hope it's soon! It's not the same without you here," the 95 Liner shook his head. "The guys...I...we're kind of all over the place without our Bangtan Girl to keep us in order. We're a bit of a mess. It's weird without you. We just want you to come home,"

His words made her heart leap as she felt emotional, yet again. But then the word 'home' struck her. She was already 'home' in America. But the fact that he said 'home' as in living with them in Korea made tears appear in her eyes.

"Jimin..." she smiled sadly. "It won't be much longer, I hope. Being away from you and everyone else in Korea is a struggle. As soon as I come back, I will nap this jetlag off and we can all go out to eat,"

"I would like that very much, Ennie. So, you wanted me to call you?"

"Yes. Check the email. I sent my work for your song. I hope it sounds okay."

"Wait, you finished it?! All of it? Your background vocals and all?"

"Yeah! I just gotta finish up Stigma and the others,"

"You worked on it so quickly."

"Well, you are a priority," she smiled softly, earning an adorable eye smile from him.

Him a priority? That made his heart leap.

"I played around with it and I like how it sounds. Play it. If you like it, I will send it to the producers to see if they give it the OK. And if you want me to change something, let me know."

Opening up the file, Jimin played it for both of them. The look in his eyes when he heard her guitar was priceless.

"Oh-my-God," he blurted out in English, causing her to laugh. "They have to accept this! This is-this is so good! Thank you for doing this for me. I hope this version makes it on the album after they do their final touches. And if they reject it, let us release it on SoundCloud. Army should hear this,"

"Sounds like a plan,"

After shutting down her computer and ending her call, Jen sat on her bed and tuned in to Jin's Eat Jin V-Live on her laptop. There he was with Jungkook and Jimin rambling about various things. And they had her cracking up with their bickering when they playfully fought over snacks.

But once fans brought up Jennie in the comments, her heart ached as she realized how much she missed the guys. Especially Jungkook. She missed his hugs. How he would hold her firmly and gaze down at her with that adorable smile of his. This visa needed to hurry up and go through. She wanted to wrap her arms around her man again.

"How is Jennie?" Jin read the comment. "My sweetie is doing fine. She has been working very hard. Please look forward to her return. Jennie, you are missed dearly,"

She let out a chuckle, "I miss you, too..."

"I miss your baking, too," he added, making her laugh at the screen. "Bake for me when you come back. Just don't tell the others,"

"We're sitting right here, Hyung!" Jimin called out. "Bake for me, not him!"

"Hush!" Jin playfully smacked him while Jungkook laughed. Turning back to the camera like he knew she was watching, he continued. "The dorm doesn't smell that great without your bath and body works items. You know, the ones you always buy for us. Please return soon and get the visa straightened out. I look at your picture in my wallet every day," he showed Armies the photo of him and her back in 2015.

"He still has that picture?" Jen murmured as she smiled.

"Jungkookie misses her the most," Jimin teased, making the Golden Maknae blush and look down shyly.

"Of course, she's my best friend. I bet she misses me more than you two," Jungkook added.

"Lies! I am Jennie's favorite," Jin stated.

Laughing, Jennie went on to text Jungkook.

Jen: Awwww this live is too cute. I miss you guys, more. I'll be back soon. P.S: I miss you the most, Kookie. I love you. Can't wait to hug and kiss you again

Ding!

The sound of bells was heard as Jungkook looked down at his phone. He read her text with a big smile and looked up at the camera like he felt her looking back at him. It made her heart flip and her face warm up with the way he stared at the camera. Meanwhile, Armies were gushing over the loving gaze Jungkook was showing out of nowhere.

'Why tf is he staring so hard like that?! He looks so hot!'

'Omg Jungkook is showing so much boyfriend material right now.'

'That stare! He's making me blush!'

'Jungkook a warning would have been nice!'

"Who was that?" Jin asked.

"Jennie. She's watching the live," Jungkook smiled brightly.

"She texted YOU and not me!?" he complained.

"Hey, that ringtone sounded familiar. Like a bell. Why a bell?" Jimin teased.

"No reason, Hyung. I thought it sounded nice," Jungkook shrugged.

------

The next day, Jennie started to work on her solo song. Bangtan's solos were supposed to go by age. The plan was for her song to be the first but Big Hit switched it and made her song last. The boys had begun filming for their WINGS films while she hadn't yet. A lot of big things will be happening for this comeback. One of them was her hair was finally going to get dyed. She was nervous because everyone had anticipated her having a new hair color since debut and she wanted it to be worth the wait.

With her solo song, she thought the lyrics and instrumentals were fine. But every time she sent it to the producers, they told her something was missing and it frustrated her. How come everyone else's song was fine but her song was getting the most criticism? Her song was different. Experimental even. This wasn't a sound that is usually in BTS. She'd showcase her DJ skills on the launch pad and guitar.

"Do you feel like singing today?" Pdogg asked as she sat on a video call with him and Slow Rabbit.

Jennie furrowed her eyebrows. "Of course I do. Why wouldn't I?"

"Because to me, it seems like you don't feel like singing,"

She sighed sharply, trying to not let her annoyance get to her. "I'm doing the best I can,"

"It's missing something, Jennie. It's almost there but something is missing," Slow Rabbit added.

"Look, this is the best I can do," she exclaimed.

"No, it isn't," he shook his head. "I know you can do better to make this song even more enhanced. Shout it out. Scream it,"

"I'm trying to shout it,"

"Well, you aren't shouting it," Pdogg said. "You need to dig down deep and sing out what you're feeling for this song,"

"Here, take a break from working on your song, today. Work on the guitar for 2! 3! and Lost. Send it when you're finished," Slow Rabbit said.

"Fine," she nodded and ended the call. 

She sighed loudly out of annoyance and ran her hair back with her hands.

"Fuck my life..." she complained.

She didn't want to work on anything at this point, she was so bothered by what they told her. After a moment of getting herself together, she did what she was told, playing the guitar for Lost and 2! 3! 

After she sent it in, she was praised for her efforts and had the rest of the day off from working on music. But her song continued to be on her mind. How much better can she do for this song? What else did they want? What was missing? She did want to sing. She sang as passionately as she could.

"What do you want me to do...?" she complained softly.

She went back to the document for her song and stripped all her vocals to start over. She listened to the instrumental of her song and sighed, understanding what she had to do.

'You want me to go back to that dark place...' she thought.

She didn't want to. She didn't want to think about it. She even had second thoughts about picking this song for this album but it was way too late to change now. This song was to express how she felt the day she got mobbed during her sister's play. Sure, it happened last year but that anxiety she felt and the whole experience still traumatized her. All those hate comments, the pressure, the high expectations, and the growing fame, began to overwhelm her as she realized that she was not a normal teenager anymore.

She'd always appear to have a smile on her face but deep down she was scared and in the back of her mind would always wonder when this would all come crashing down. 

That dreaded day of Vienna's play made Jen want to stop performing entirely and just go back home and deal with school, no longer being in the spotlight. To try to grasp what normality she had left. But after the support from everyone after that incident, she wanted to try to face all that negativity and destroy it with positive thoughts once and for all. This would be a start to that. To sing about it and twist it to optimism.

As she sat by her desk, she put her headphones on.

"Okay...let's go back to that nightmare..."

---------

After crying, belting out high notes, and singing out her pain, she made the producers happy with her new and improved vocals and took a break from singing to dance.

Jen continued practicing the choreography for Blood, Sweat, and Tears, which will be BTS' comeback song in October. She was in the living room, performing a demo version of the song while Vienna and Alani were on their phones chilling nearby. Mr. Son and J-Hope sent her videos of where she will be and her choreography for the comeback.

It was...very sexy. This seemed like it was going to be a sexy comeback.

As she worked on perfecting her movements, she sent them recordings of her craft to get feedback.

After dancing for a few hours, she took a break and watched Family Guy with her sisters on the couch.

Buzz Buzz Buzz

A video from Jimin? What was he up to now? Since she left, the boys had sent her funny videos and photos. This was probably one of them.

"Ooo another video? Let's watch it! They crack me up!" Alani said.

"Yeah, why not?" Jennie pressed play while her sisters joined her in to watch.

The video showed Jimin, V, and Jungkook goofing around and practicing BST in the practice room.

"Jungkook! Imagine the floor is Jennie!" Jimin called out.

Out of nowhere, Jungkook did his signature handstand for the song, slowly lowering himself on the floor to grind against it.

"Jennie..." he said in a low voice, smirking at the camera.

"AHHHHHHH~!" her sisters screamed around her while Jen dropped her phone and shrieked.

"He did NOT just do that!" Alani shouted.

"And said your name like that! Are you two-"

"No!" Jen exclaimed, cutting Vienna off with her face flushed.

"You sure!?"

"Yes!"

"I dunno man, that sounded like that's not the first time he said your name like that~!" Alani added.

"Oh my God! Stop!" Jennie covered her face.

Vienna grabbed the phone and replayed it so they could watch the entire video. Her sisters continued to freak out around her from his floor grind.

Jennie was NOT expecting a video like this. She thought it would be meme faces. Not him grinding against the floor.

'Wow, I wish I was under him...' she thought before shaking the dirty thoughts away.

My gosh, what was he doing to her? Everything he was doing made her squirm.

After he finished grinding on the floor, Jin was heard yelling to stay professional while Jimin and V laughed.

Her sisters kept replaying the video, expressing how surprised they were.

"Is this really your boyfriend? Because whew, the duality...girl..." Vienna fanned herself.

"I'm a little nervous about how he can turn into such a cute boy to something like this," Alani added.

"Right? He is so adorable and then he ends up popping out like this. No wonder so many girls swoon over him. Jen, watch out for all them female idols after your man," she teased.

"You know, you were staring kind of hard at the screen," Alani called Jennie out.

"I was not!" Jennie exclaimed as she grabbed her phone.

"She's so flustered," Vienna laughed with Alani.

Alani snatched the phone from her hands and ran to their mom who walked out of the kitchen to see what the ruckus was about.

"Mom! Get a load of this!" Alani laughed.

"Stop it! Give it! Mom, it's not what it looks like! Get off me, V!" Jen shouted as Vienna held her down while Alani showed the video.

"Um...what is he doing to my youngest?" their mom asked, wondering what the heck was happening.

"Nothing! Nothing at all! He was just messing around!" Jen said and got let go.

"You think he was? He looked pretty serious," Vienna teased.

He was just joking...right?

Or perhaps he wasn't. Because her head began to go crazy with the way he said her name so low like that. It'll be something that wouldn't be out of her mind for a while as she plotted a way to get him back for making her so flustered in front of her family.

---------

With Jimin and V, they waited for her to reply. Curious as to why she had not responded yet, they looked back at the message and saw that she had read it. The two burst out into laughter.

"Jungkook, I think you killed your girlfriend," Jimin giggled.

"I did?" he asked, surprised. "What happened?"

"She hasn't responded to the video and left us on read this entire time," V laughed.

"I-I didn't make her uncomfortable, did I?" Jungkook asked with worry.

"Nah, don't worry, it's the other way around, Jungkookie! Hehe, you'll see. Just give her a moment to pull herself together. I'm sure she's quite flustered as we speak because of you," Jimin smiled confidently.

-------

Back with Jennie, she continued to pull herself together. This man may just be the death of her. She then thought about the time she and Jungkook performed the coming of age ceremony in the practice room and recorded themselves. Man, those lyrics...

Jen: Jimin wtf!?

Jen: Wtf is he grinding on the floor so hard for!?

Jimin: kekekeke it took you a while to reply. You liked it, didn't you!?

Yes. Yes, she did.

Very much actually. To the point, she wanted to be the floor.

Jen: Okay yes but he needs to calm tf down! He can't be doing stuff like that when I'm not there! I'm suffering here!

Jen: omfg wait don't tell him I said that!

Jimin: Tell Jungkook. Okay. Got it

Jen: Jimin! NO!

"She liked it," Jimin laughed and showed Jungkook the messages.

Jungkook laughed, feeling his cheeks warm up. A large part of him felt relieved that she liked it. 

Maybe they could make it a reality soon.

---------

As the days went by she continued to finish up working on the choreography, and went to Facetime with Jimin. Things were beginning to appear...off about him. And the sad part about it was that she knew.

She knew all too well what was going on.

She didn't want to believe it. She thought that her mind was playing tricks on her but his face was slimming down at a rapid rate and it began to worry her.

"Jimin?" she called out his name softly after he stopped laughing at his story about pranking Hobi.

"Yes, Ennie?"

"Did you eat today?"

Jimin's stomach dropped at her question. Of all days she had to be so observant. He would only eat once a day and tried not to eat a lot to lose as much weight as possible for their next comeback. It was an intense choice and he had already been feeling the side effects such as dizziness and fainting as he tried to work hard on his dancing.

"Yeah, why?" he lied, feeling his heart ache.

He hated lying to her. He knew she would do anything to get him to stop if she had known what he was doing in Korea.

Jennie narrowed her eyes slightly, watching his body language.

'You're lying to me...' she thought sadly.

"I dunno, to me you just look a little smaller in the face," she admitted.

"I'm eating, don't you worry, Ennie," he flashed her an eye smile

"I really hope you are..." she murmured. "Just take care of yourself, please. Promise me that?"

"...I promise."

"Okay...I have to go. I'll talk to you later,"

"A-all right. Bye Ennie,"

"Bye, Chim Chim," she ended the call and exhaled.

"I truly hope you're okay..." she murmured, fearing for the worst.

After her conversation with him, she scrolled on Twitter to check out what Armies had been saying about her while she was away. She was pleased to see how much she was missed.

'I'm so upset Jennie isn't in the ISAC this time because of her visa.'

That made her realize that today was the day everyone would be filming for ISAC. She was bummed she couldn't play volleyball this year. Instead, she would be cheering Bangtan on miles away whenever they sent her videos and photos.

'Whatever team she was supposed to be in volleyball would have won'

'ISAC probably made sure to schedule it when she couldn't attend since they know the other girl idols can't beat her in volleyball. Their loss'

'ISAC knows damn well Jennie will beat every single female idol in volleyball. They just don't want her to shine. They did that for The Boss Is Watching. We didn't forget!'

Snickering at the comment and agreeing, Jennie went on and liked it on BTS' Twitter which quickly got a reaction from fans.

'OMG I KNOW SHE WAS THE ONE THAT LIKED IT!'

'She liked!!'

'Who else would like it from their page? Jennie knows what's up!'

'Ooooo she's watching us'

'Lmaooooo she knows!'

'She soooo petty. The shade!'

'This confirms it!'

-----------

With Jungkook, after filming for the show, he went to visit Namjoon in his studio. He had a lot on his mind regarding his relationship with Jennie. And he felt like Namjoon was the best person to talk to.

"Hyung," Jungkook spoke up.

"Jungkook," he greeted with a smile and gestured for him to come in. "What brings you here?"

"I uh...can I talk to you? I figured you were the best one to talk to about something like this,"

"Yeah, of course. Shut the door and take a seat,"

As soon as Jungkook plopped down on the seat next to him, he sighed. "It's about Jennie,"

"Is everything all right between you two? I know you've been feeling down because of the distance,"

"I'm fine. And yeah, things are great. It's just that...well she...she's just...on my mind a lot lately and I can't stop thinking about her in that way."

Namjoon immediately knew what he meant and nodded. 

So, it was about that time, huh? 

He had a feeling this was going to be happening sooner or later with how touchy he's been with her, lately. And with that floor grinding video, it didn't just look like a simple video to mess with her.

"I had a feeling this was going to happen sooner or later. Have you told her any of this?"

"No, I...I want to but part of me chickens out,"

"You two talk about everything. Why do you think this conversation will be different?"

"I just don't want to turn her off or scare her away, I guess. Or make things awkward if she's not ready like I am,"

"Communication is key and Nini is extremely understanding. You're overthinking it. She loves you and is not going to be scared away that easily. When you feel ready, speak to her about this. And make sure you two are alone for this conversation. Not when the boys are around and acting loud,"

--------

After spinning around in her seat, Jennie played what she had worked on for Taehyung's solo song, Stigma. She helped with the background vocals with jazzy oohs and ahs. She smiled at how his voice sounded. His high note was astonishing to hear and she couldn't wait to hear it live when they go on tour.

For Suga's solo, First Love, she played the guitar for it and noticed the hidden melody of So Far Away which had gotten her emotional.

"Take a break!" a loud voice startled her. Jennie turned her head to see Alani by her door, arms crossed. "You've been on that thing all day. A break won't hurt. The album ain't going nowhere. And you finished everything so just chill for once,"

"Nooooo, I feel like there is still work to be done," Jen complained.

Alani simply rolled her eyes and left.

"Well, that was easy to get her to leave me alone," she murmured.

While she continued working, she suddenly heard music blasting which happened to be Rihanna's Pon De Replay. Before she knew it, Vienna and Alani came in with a large speaker, dancing.

Come, Mr. DJ, song pon de replay

Come, Mr. DJ, won't you turn the music up?

"Oh my God..." Jennie covered her face with her hands, laughing softly. "Really?"

"Come on~! Living room, let's go!" Alani said over the music, holding the speaker.

"Rihanna dance party! Take a break! No more album work, today!" Vienna grabbed Jennie and dragged her downstairs with them.

After Alani set the speaker on the floor, she continued to dance around Jennie with Vienna.

"No more thinking about work today. Loosen up and dance with us. It's Rihanna! Come on~!" Alani exclaimed, earning a sigh from her youngest sister. "If you ready to move say,'"

"Yeah, yeah!" Jen sang with a smile.

"One time for your mind say it,"

"Yeah, yeah!" her smile got wider and she joined in to dance with them. "Well, I'm ready for ya, come let me show ya. You want to groove, I'ma show you how to move. Come, come,"

"There you go~!" Vienna cheered.

It was good to take a break and Jen was thankful for her sisters. She did feel overwhelmed with this album dropping in October. There were high expectations and she wanted to make sure she did everything she could to make the songs great with the small role she was given.

Where Have You Been came on as Vienna tried to remember the choreography.

Where have you been?

'Cause I never see you out

Are you hiding from me, yeah?

Somewhere in the crowd

"I learned it in a dance class a while back. Hold on," Vienna began to think as she stood in the middle of her sisters.

Once the beat dropped, she executed the dance break with no errors while her sisters followed her.

"Oh~! I remember! From the music video!" Alani added.

"When Rihanna and the dancers did that pose that looked like an eye? Top tier!" Jen praised.

"Yeah, that was the coolest thing," Vienna beamed.

As songs like What's My Name, Hard, and Umbrella came on, the trio sang their hearts out while bouncing around the living room and on the couch. Once Breakin' Dishes blasted on the speaker, they became excited since it was one of their favorite Rihanna songs.

"I was waiting for this one!" Vienna yelled happily.

"Are we singing it like we usually do?" Jennie asked with anticipation.

"Let's switch it up!" Alani suggested.

"All right, I'll go," Vienna offered.

He been gone since 3:30

"3:30!" Jen shouted.

Been coming home lately at 3:30

"3:30!"

As the chorus came on, the trio danced around, pretending to be angry while shouting out the lyrics.

I'm breakin' dishes up in here, all night

I ain't gon' stop until I see police lights

"I'm still waiting, come through the door. I'm killing time, you know, bleaching your clothes!" Jennie sang the second verse like she was tired of a man's BS. "I'm roasting marshmallows on the fire. And what I'm burning is your attire. I'm getting restless,"

"Uh!" Alani shouted.

"I'm getting tested!"

"Let him know!"

"And I can't believe he's always out every night and never checks in!"

"He cheating?"

"Is he cheating? Man, I don't know. I'm looking 'round for something else to throw!" Jennie grabbed a pillow and threw it.

After spending the next hour partying to Rihanna's songs, Jennie went to plug in her music and pressed shuffle. Fall Out Boy's Irresistible came on which made her smile.

"Hey, didn't you make a cover of this song recently?" Vienna asked.

"Uh huh!" she beamed, thinking about the series of covers she had done and posted on BTS' SoundCloud for ARMY.

"Did Fall Out Boy notice you, yet?"

"Yeah! I met them! They're so cool! I hope we can collaborate, soon!"

---------

With Matt Rife, he continued to search on social media about Jennie, getting to understand who she was and what she did. He even checked out some fan accounts about her and thought she was even cuter than he anticipated. What surprised him the most was that she was taking self-defense classes. Her teacher had posted a recent video of her throwing him over her hip for a quick takedown after grappling him. Matt was astonished by how strong she was.

What a beauty.

He scrolled through the comments as fans geeked out that she was doing fine in America and raved about how strong she was.

'Omg she really did that!'

'I feel bad for the members if they try to mess with her now, lol'

'RIP Jin! She's preparing for their wrestling match!'

'Can she throw me like that on the ground?'

'If she throws me like that, I would say thank you'

'She can punch me in the face anytime!'

'MOM!'

'Wow, she's so strong'

'I love that she's taking self-defense classes. I want to take them now.'

Soon after, he couldn't help himself and wrote a comment too.

'@JJennie_JW you can throw me like that anytime ;)'

And of course, he was told by Armies to back off.

---------

For a while, ARMY began to notice a shift in Jungkook's demeanor. He did not seem as happy as he usually was and his jokes weren't common like they used to be. Sure he'd smile and laugh whenever he was with the members but the truth was that this distance between him and Jennie was difficult to adjust to. It did make him ponder about this being a preview for when he goes off to the military.

Twitter noticed his attitude change and made threads about him being unhappy. Along with that, people were asking about Jennie and her future with BTS because it seemed like she wasn't doing anything or being involved anymore.

'Okay WHERE is Jennie? Thread'

'Guys Jennie has not been active with BTS in a while. She has not been with them for their recent concerts or V-Lives and I am worried something bad happened'

The thread went on to come up with various theories on the matter while armies were quick to put in their two cents.

'I hope she isn't leaving BTS.'

'Yeah, where tf is she? And she hasn't posted anything in a while! That's unusual! BTS stay posting but there is nothing about her these days'

'They talk about her on vlive so that's a good sign things are fine, right?'

'You think she fought with a member or something?'

'Come to think of it, maybe that's why Jungkook has been looking off these days. They may have fought and aren't on speaking terms'

'Like you see the body language of Jungkook lately? They had a bad argument and aren't friends anymore'

'What? What kind of mess is that? That's a dumb theory'

'You guys are dumb. It's her VISA'

'A visa doesn't take that long to go through. She should be back by now'

'Come to think of it, yeah, you may be right. I'm sure things are finished by now and she could come back to Korea'

'I think her visa is taking longer than usual and that's why. Relax,'

'Maybe Big Hit is just letting her spend more time with her family like the perfect company they are!'

'Nah, Big Hit is sabotaging her. She should be back with Bangtan'

'No, they're probably letting her spend more time in America before coming back. They're a great company and allowing her to spend time with her family. Calm down'

'No, they're not a great company! They are ruining her! She needs to get out of there. I hate seeing her inactive'

'All y'all need to just trust that things with Jennie are going to be fine. Stop making everyone anxious about this. Jennie is still with BTS'

Since Jennie still couldn't go back to Korea yet, the staff decided to fly to America to film her Wings 8 video. They rented a big space to make sure they had all they needed for the short film. The company decided to have her video and song be the last ones out of the group. The solo videos were going to begin getting released around September 4th and her video was scheduled for September 19th before they changed plans and made her show up last.

Despite working on the album, Big Hit still wanted her to remain off social media. It had been hard since she wanted to engage with fans and shout out other idol groups for their comebacks like Monsta X and Got7 but she did what she was told.

'Short Film Making Story'

'#Evermore'

With the camera filming her getting ready, she happily waved to it and began to speak.

"Hey, it's your girl Jennie and today I am here to film my Wings short film! And look! My hair is finally dyed! Frickin red! Ahhh~!" she cutely jumped up and down and showed it off before letting the stylist continue their work. "Now y'all can stop asking me every single comeback! I mean look at this! Look! This hair is amazing! I look so good! I'm glad I went through with it. Red looks great on me! Rihanna vibes!"

"She cried," the stylist put her on blast.

'Miss Bangtan Is Put On Blast'

Jennie stared at the stylist, astounded. "I-I didn't cry!"

"Yes, you did. You were like, 'Oh God please let my hair be okay. Please don't let it fall out or get damaged,'" the stylist teased.

"Shut it!"

Jen went over to the set that looked similar to an airport as she wore jeans and a black and white hoodie with a messy bun.

"I have no idea what the guys are doing for their short films," she added. "But since I'm here in America, the staff came here so we can film. Even though I'm having some visa issues, that doesn't mean I'm stopping my bag. We're making this work. I want you to see a different side of me for this comeback. I hope you look forward to it and keep cheering me on,"

She was given a bag to carry as the stylists did the finishing touches to her hair and makeup. 

"I'm supposed to be playing three people today," she announced to the camera with a nervous expression. "My regular self as you see now and then my dark and good personas. Kind of like an angel and a devil on your shoulders. It's going to be cool how the video is going to be created."

"Action!" the director announced.

Jen went on with the role, walking through the airport, clutching her bag. She looked around frantically before rushing into the women's bathroom. 

After recording her walking a couple of times to get all the right angles, she was then filmed in front of a bathroom sink. She placed her palms on it with a troubled facial expression as she stared at herself in the mirror. Before she knew it, she backed away, startled, and began to look confused.

For the scene with her back in the home she was in for the I Need U MV, she did a costume change, wearing a black suit with a black lace bodysuit under it. This time she was playing her evil persona with her hair down.

"I lowkey always wanted to play an evil person. I wonder how long it'll take for me to get into character. My sister helped me practice for the role. I hope she likes my acting and doesn't roast me for it. My acting lessons will pay off too!" she laughed. "I'm supposed to be speaking to myself. It'll be weird speaking to air but in the video, it'll have all three of me in the shot. So, you'll see how it all develops,"

Once she heard action, Jennie leaned her back against the counter and glanced over nonchalantly at her dead ex who was on the floor.

"Welp..." she murmured coldly and turned to where her other self would be leaning over the counter. "Hey. Pull yourself together."

'Jennie channels her inner evil self with charisma'

"Come on, let me take over. I'm tired of this 50/50 fight," she said smugly like she was looking at the good persona of herself.

For the last shot, Jennie sat in the waiting room of the airport, playing some notes from her solo song on the guitar. While she played, someone walked over to her which caused her to stop and acknowledge the person. The camera remained on her, only showing the person's footsteps to keep viewers guessing who had found her.

Once the director announced that the shot was finished, everyone cheered while Jennie happily jumped out of her seat and bowed politely.

"Thank you! Woo! I'm done~! Yay! I can't wait for the video to drop! Look forward to it ARMY!" she waved goodbye to the camera.

-----

Wings 8: Evermore

"I wanted only to live in accord with the promptings which came from my true self. Why was that so very difficult?" Jennie narrated from Demain before the screen faded in to reveal her feet running through the airport.

It panned up to her back as footsteps and her heavy breathing were heard. She had been running and slowed down the pace to speed walk. There was hardly anyone in the airport as she looked around, clutching her bag tightly with her guitar on her back. She appeared troubled as several thoughts went through her mind like she did something regretful and thought someone was going to find her.

All that was on her mind was that she had to leave. Asap. She could not stay here. Not after what happened.

Finding the women's bathroom, she rushed into it and set her bag and guitar down against the wall. Jen exhaled sharply, and approached a sink, placing her palms on it. Slowly, she looked up to meet her reflection in the mirror.

"You're okay..." she whispered to herself.

She looked fine but on the inside, she felt like hell. Upon looking at herself, she was startled when a woman that looked exactly like her, stared at her from behind. Only not in a bun but with her hair down and black clothing.

This dark figure she stared at smirked softly, which caused Jennie to look confused.

What was going on? Why was she staring at herself wearing different clothes and hair? The dark figure even had the same white butterfly necklace in contrast with the dark clothes.

Jen tilted her head to the side and watched as the figure copied her movements. She then tilted her head to the other side and watched as the figure did the same. Swiftly turning around, she was met with nothing. The woman was gone.

She took a few steps forward. Okay, maybe she was imagining things.

But little did she know, the dark figure was behind her. When Jennie turned around, her face was cupped into the dark figure's hands, and her forehead pressed against hers, ending the shot as the screen went black.

For the next shot, Jennie was back at home where she was in for the I Need U MV. She had on the same white dress from the MV with the messy bun still intact.

She stood against the kitchen counter with her forearms on it. Her face remained emotionless as she thought about what had just happened.

The camera panned over to the feet on the floor that belonged to her ex. To ease her nerves, she tapped her shaky fingers against the glass of water she had in her hands. Her mind began to fog up with negative thoughts about her fate.

Abruptly, the dark persona of hers leaned her back against the counter, crossing her arms. She glanced at the body nonchalantly.

"Welp..." her dark persona spoke coldly. She had no remorse for the man. She turned to Jennie and watched as she was still in a state of shock. "Hey. Pull yourself together..."

A loud sigh was heard as Jennie's good persona stood on the other side, facing the counter. She wore a white suit and her red hair was straightened. A black butterfly necklace was placed around her neck as she stared at the body sympathetically. She placed a hand on Jennie's shoulder.

"Are you all right?" her good persona asked.

"Of course, she is. He got what he deserved," her dark persona answered, earning a frown in return.

"It was an accident,"

"An accident? Please...if he's dead, he deserved it," her dark persona bluntly replied.

"She is not a bad person," her good persona denied and removed her hand from Jennie.

"That's where you're wrong. There's a bit of evil in all of us and you know it," her dark persona turned to Jennie who continued to look forward. A wicked smile crept on her lips. "I bet that felt good...tempting..."

"It was a scary situation she was put in. It didn't feel good at all. She's full of remorse,"

"To you. She's more like me now and soon she will become all of me,"

"She will never become what you are. Not while I'm here,"

"Look around you," the dark persona gestured, briefly looking around. "Look at what happened. This is her true self,"

"This is not her,"

"Yes, it is. She won't be needing you, anymore. Come on, let me take over, I'm tired of this 50/50 fight,"

"She'll atone. I'm not giving up on her," 

"Well, it certainly wasn't you that she channeled to do what she did. You're too soft. Enough was enough."

The good persona ignored her and leaned toward Jennie's ear. "You are still a good person. You defended yourself. It was self defense."

Having enough, the dark persona grabbed Jen by the chin and turned her head slightly, speaking in her ear as she glared at his body. "Look at what you've done. Look at him suffer! He deserved every bit of it! This was what you wanted to do for a very long time. This was building for weeks!" she began to shout angrily. "These men think they can do whatever they want to us, say whatever they want, disrespect us, and hurt us?! No. They did it to the wrong one this time,"

Jennie seemed to have slowly gotten out of her shocked state when she heard a loud groan from the floor.

So he was still alive...

That calmed her nerves a bit as Jennie managed to walk across the counter to stand and look at his weakened state. He faintly called out her name in anger, uttering out curses.

"Huh. So, the piece of shit is still alive," her dark persona said with a scowl as she stood next to Jennie with her arms crossed.

"Good. There's still time," her good persona said, standing on her other side.

"No..." her dark persona turned to Jennie. "You know exactly what to do...end it,"

"No. Don't throw it all away. You're better than this. You are not alone and you know which route to take," her good persona said as the trio looked at the man on the floor.

Back to reality, Jennie had awakened in the waiting area of her flight thanks to her phone notifications going off. She also noticed that it was getting close to her flight arrival and more people were showing up at the airport.

Curious about the messages, she went through them and noticed it was all about whether she was all right which made her tear up. Everyone was asking for her whereabouts. But she had to ignore it and keep moving forward. She needed to leave.

Before she could turn her phone off, the person she wanted to avoid the most began to call. She hesitated to answer as she stared at the caller ID while the camera didn't show who was calling. 

Placing her phone back into her bag, she grabbed her guitar out of the case and began to play the opening notes of her song to distract herself.

The camera panned to the floor to show footsteps approaching her and they stopped near the row she sat at. As Jen stopped playing, the instrumental of her song continued to play in the background.

Feeling a hand on her shoulder, she let out a breath and acknowledged the hand. She then slowly turned her head to look up in the direction of the individual she predicted to find her as the screen faded to black.

"Looks like you found me..."

[writers-ex]

last december

idol!yeji x uni student!reader

word count: 1.7k

warnings: breaking up from hectic schedules, gossip, yeji’s attempts to woo you, groping and making out bc you can’t be mad at her forever, happy ending

a/n: inspired by this ask, lmk 🦙anon what your thoughts are on my first angst to fluff yeji ff

“i don’t know what else i can do!” tears fall from your eyes as you speak to the other person on the phone. “we weren’t ready.” holding the phone tighter your breathe starts to shake. “it’s over yeji…goodbye.” hanging up you feel your body go limp as tears fall down your face. not noticing your phone fall to the floor you start sniveling silently, feeling the world go blurry as you cry for the rest of the night over a relationship that was too overwhelming to even think about.

you and yeji started dating ever since you met her at a concert and fansign the following week. you caught her eye which lead to her leaving her number in your album. you started talking and before you knew it you had begun your secret romance with the idol of your dreams that wonderful winter. 

it was nice since she could only meet up when you finished with your classes in uni and with so many lax professors you could text and video call secretly your girlfriend. lately, however finals began and being in so many AP classes along with clubs you missed many of her calls but it was the same with her the month before. yeji had begun training for her next comeback and wasn’t allowed to use her phone until she perfected her dance and helped the members being the leader of the group. you both had horrible timing and no matter how many compromises you both did for each other it never worked out. and so once again the anniversary of your one year together ended as cold as the month you met.

( ｡>﹏<｡)  

the seasons began to change and summer rolled around but despite being busy with coursework and group projects along with club activities your mind always went to your ex-cat-eyed lover. hearing news about their upcoming comeback that usually rolled around the end of the year and the occasional v-live notifications yeji never seemed to leave your mind and you often wondered if it was the same for her. 

“hey did you hear about the rumor going on with yeji?” your ears perk up as you wait in line in the cafeteria.

“they say she hasn’t been doing well, for their last comeback she seemed more down and tired than usual.” 

“yeah like something is off with her…” the two strangers make their way toward the checkout lane leaving you alone with your conflicted thoughts. the rest of the day your mind is wandering back to the conversation you overheard. checking dispatch you read some articles about yeji’s recent behavior and comeback, confirming their words. 

as nightfall approaches, you leave late the library after finishing a project when you see someone sitting on the stairs. walking closer you recognize the jacket immediately, letting out a gasp the figure turns you mimicking your shocked expression. “yeji?”

“…h-hey there…” hearing some footsteps and scattered conversation coming from behind you, grabbing her hand you drag yeji to an abandoned park area nearby to talk. checking to make sure there was no one around you cross your arms and look at your old lover.

“what on earth are you doing here?! what if someone-“ 

“i can explain!! I-If you’ll let me…” staying quiet you take a deep breath and nod indicating for her to speak. “so I don’t know if you’ve seen but lately…I’ve been out of my mind and well it’s because or rather it is because of-“

“don’t say it.” cutting her off your eyebrows furrow in the center of your forehead and shoulders slump. “yeji we can’t. I was too hurt by this, by us.” gesturing between the two of you your heart starts racing as the memories, and feelings of hurt flood back into your mind. taking your hand yeji’s sorrowful eyes meet yours.

“believe me… if I could take it all back…I would.” with your gaze on your connected hands, she gives you a light squeeze. “I’ve done a lot of thinking and I know how we can make it work. love I promise I’ll make it up to you.“ letting out a sarcastic laugh you shake your head and let go of yeji’s hand, knowing that your eyes would betray how you feel you turn your back to her and tighten the backpack strap across your chest.

“yeah right… anyways yeji you know where to find me.” walking away from her you wave your hand behind your back toward her. “good luck.”

( ｡>﹏<｡)  

week one: she found your number from a caffeinated and tired student you had done a project with and began texting you good morning and good night every day

week two: yeji asked her manager to go to your club room and leave a note at your club’s bulletin board reminding you to drink water along with a cheesy note

week three: buying you your favorite drink and meal for lunch to eat, she would invite you to have lunch with her under the bleachers

week four: somehow she managed to deliver flowers to your door in the morning surprising your hungover roommate 

week five: she would randomly call you at odd hours of the day just to hear your voice

week six: yeji would text you to see her vlive as she baked cookies with the fans messing up and getting dirty only to come by your dorm once she was done to eat them with you 

week seven: finding secret spots she would sneak after practice to take you out on a ‘friend date’ to hear about your day 

week eight: you had a bad week in class and yeji would come rushing in to hold your hand as you vented to her 

week nine: she asked and tested jokes on the members trying to find a good one to share with you in a voice message right before she started practice 

by week ten your heart was racing whenever you saw her name appear on your phone. never before had yeji been this attentive to you especially during comeback season when it was the busiest time of the year for her and the group. 

‘hi love <3 I just wanted to let u know that I’ll be busy this week for promos, we can’t see each other :(( I’ll be here if u need me though….’

‘it’s ok yeji x enjoy your comeback I can’t wait to see you soon :3’

“hey did you hear the latest rumor about yeji?” turning off your phone you see the familiar two that had gossiped about yeji a while back

“yeah she’s doing much better now than at the end of their last comeback season!”

“it’s like she became a whole new person, I’m so hyped for this comeback!” watching the two chatter bugs walk away you feel a smile grow on your face as you realize why yeji’s mood has improved. heading back to your dorm you search through your closet to find an outfit to wear for the showcase coming up and decide to clear your schedule to get something nice to surprise her.

on the day of the showcase, you join all the other fans entering the studio early to get seats filled. watching the teasers from the comeback play on the screen and old songs to hype everyone up you sing along when someone taps your shoulder.

“um hi are you ‘that girl that’s on yeji’s lock screen’? i’m itzy’s manager can you come with me for a second, please? it’s about yeji…” 

“o-of course!!” following the tall masked figure you follow them backstage as they point at yeji’s dressing room.

“she’s in there.” thanking them you slowly open the door and find yeji on the couch with her head in between her knees trying to calm down.

“hey jiji.” groaning she looks up and sees you.

“wow I haven’t heard that nickname in forever. love what are you doing here?” taking a seat next to the confused yeji who is experiencing the blood come back down to her body.

“well, I’m here to support a very persistent little kitten with her comeback. jiji why are you so nervous? you’ll be fine, you’ve got this.” taking your hand yeji lets out a heavy sigh caressing your palm.

“I know but this time it’s different.” looking up to your face she pouts. “if I can’t do well in this comeback then that means I won’t be able to balance work and dating. I can’t prove to you that I’ll be there for you even when times get busy…” 

cupping your face yeji’s breathing starts to quiver. “I-I still need you.” rubbing your cheek her lips pursed. “tell me you have been feeling the same too?!” 

leaning closer you feel you a desire grow in your body unlike what you’ve ever felt. a small nod makes yeji’s lips turn right side up as she leans in to kiss you softly. getting lost in the feeling you pull away and shake your head dazed. 

“n-no we shouldn’t…” whining yeji pecks your lips again making your resolve melt faster than ice cream on a hot summer day. 

“please? for luck?” batting her eyelashes you roll your eyes while yeji smirks knowing damn well you can’t resist those eyes. coming closer you connect your lips and feel the kiss get deeper and deeper. with her fingers tangled in your hair, you let out a soft moan as she pulled you onto her lap feeling your legs wrap around her waist. pulling you closer to her you grind against her lap making yeji take her hands out of your hair to cup your ass and squeeze it making another low moan escape your lips. your hands find their way inside her shirt making yeji bite your lip softly-

“YEJI!!! YOU’RE ON IN FIVE!” groaning yeji pulls away to answer.

“OK!!!!” startled at almost getting caught you try to get off her but she makes you stay in her lap as the voice behind the door fades away. 

“and where do you think you’re going?”

“j-jiji you have to go-“ placing a finger on your lips yeji’s smile grows. 

“I’ll be back and we’ll continue this conversation in my bed later little one.”

[effortandmore]

all that we wouldn't say (myg x knj)

summary: if yoongi told someone that letting go of BTS and namjoon at the same time was hard, it would be a gross understatement. it was, in fact, the worst year or so of his life, but he’s managed to somehow move on. he’s had time, therapy, and lots of friends, family, and work to distract him. things are good now—the best they’ve ever been, maybe. but yoongi knows better than anyone that good things don’t always last, and that point is proven when namjoon shows back up in his life out of nowhere with an album that needs producing and questions yoongi doesn’t have the answers to.

pairing: yoongi x namjoon, yoongi x ofc

rating: explicit (18+ please)

genre: smut, angst, ambiguous (happy tho) ending

au: canon divergent, post-disbandment idolverse

warnings: a little angst, this is post-disbandment so like... they disbanded and that seems like it should be a warning. the ending is hopeful but not concrete... not unhappy but not like... your traditional happy ending either. smut! bisexual!yoongi (he sleeps with a woman and a man in this fic). penetrative sex, anal sex, oral sex (f!receiving, m!receiving), namjoon has a praise kink a little bit prob, anal fingering, kissing, idk... bottom!kim namjoon... i think that's probably everything but as always pls tell me if i missed something...

word count: 20k

a/n: sorry that this fic is two months late! this was written for the composition of the century yoongi collaboration. thank you to @kithtaehyung for the banner, and to @ugh-yoongi and @the-boy-meets-evil for reading this over. you are all very lovely people and i'm so so happy that we were able to see yoongi together!! that said, all mistakes are mine and they're lovely people who would have caught anything if i asked them to. let's be honest, we're just here for vibes at this point.

read on ao3

He wakes up, and not that he’s counting, but it’s been eight hundred and fifty two mornings that he’s been on his own (he’s definitely counting). By now, that shouldn’t be the first thought that crosses his mind each day, but without fail, it is.

When they were younger, he would tease Namjoon about his penchant for forgetting details—”Namjoonie, everyone knows you didn’t mean to change your stage name, you just forgot what it was supposed to be one day”—to a predictable chorus of responses: falling on the floor laughter from Tae and Jimin, surprise from Hobi, stifled almost-giggles from Jungkook and Jin… 

Now, he wishes he could forget like that. 

Briefly, he wonders what it would be like to wake up in the morning (afternoon, but don’t tell his mother) and not know how many days it had been, to have just a small break from remembering what his life was like before. Instead, every day he wakes up feeling half-right, ruffled, a little on edge, and a lot alone—the last remnants of something like pain that all the therapy in Seoul hasn’t managed to ease. 

Just like the previous eight hundred and fifty one days, he shakes off the disorientation. It happens pretty quickly now—he does it much faster than he used to be able to. His routine now is good, grounding. Coffee first. He goes through the motions, humming a little and tapping out a beat on the counter while he waits for the fancy machine (Jin bought it for him, he was perfectly happy with his old french press) to pull his espresso shots. When it’s ready, he takes it to the piano bench and sits facing the window while Holly spins until he finds himself a seat on top of Yoongi’s feet. Over coffee, he has his first (sometimes only) conversation of the day, 

“Who’s the best boy?” he coos softly. 

“You are… yes, you are.” 

“Are we gonna have a good day, Holly? Hmm?” 

(It’s not for lack of trying that Holly only responds with wide eyes and a wagging tail). 

Then it’s pilates, which he’s done for a while now. Long enough that he can remember getting Namjoon into it, can remember taking online classes together eventually, can remember the first time he tried it again on his own. It’s almost mindless at this point, which today makes him pause to wonder if he should try something new. Is it really a workout if you don’t have to try that hard anymore? Maybe he’s gotten complacent. Or just stronger? He looks at his thin arms in the mirror and smiles. Complacent, he thinks. 

In the shower, he contemplates calling Jin to get together over the weekend. They don’t see each other as much as they used to before Jin stopped coming around the company to record. He knows if he texts he’ll get a call back relatively quickly at least, which is more than he can count on from Jungkook. It’s like this nearly every day—he thinks about who he could call: music friends, old friends, new friends (except you can’t always be sure they’ll actually turn out to be friends, Yoongi knows), and decides to stick with what he knows best. It’s always Jimin, Hobi, or Jin. Always. Tae and Jungkook are too busy, and while he misses them, he loves seeing them so successful and happy. Small victories. 

More coffee while he walks Holly. It’s cold outside, so he’s in as many layers as he could find and cutting their morning stroll a little shorter than he normally would. Jimin always teases him for complaining about the cold, but he lives at least a quarter mile closer to the river than the rest of them, so what would they know, anyway? It’s definitely colder at his apartment than any of theirs, and he’ll die on that hill. 

Finally it’s time for work. He’s lucky that he makes his own schedule and can dick around for a few hours from whenever he wakes up until whenever he decides to work. Not that he doesn’t have things to do and deadlines to meet, he just knows himself well enough to put in the right amount of time and effort nowadays. It’s not worth being burnt out over, which is something a younger version of him would have never thought he’d be someday saying. It’s one of the only things he thinks Namjoon was right about eight hundred and fifty two days ago. 

Here’s where his routine varies. Sometimes he drives, sometimes he calls a driver, sometimes he walks when he’s feeling especially ambitious or nostalgic (it’s not often). Today, he calls a driver. He doesn’t know how long he’ll be there or if he’ll feel like driving when he’s finished, and he hates leaving his car at the company overnight. It’s inexplicable because their security is great, of course. It just makes him feel like he’s stranded in his stupid large apartment with no way out. Trapped. He despises that feeling even if he doesn’t actually end up wanting to leave. 

In the back of the car, he decides it’s a good day. The sun is out, but not harsh, Holly woke up happy, he’s working on a couple of tracks he’s really proud of with people he likes collaborating with, and he’ll probably see Jin this weekend if everything goes to plan. He’s lucky, he knows. Some people don’t have the privilege to decide if their days will be good or not. So, he tries to simply let himself feel content. It’s a challenge, but on the days he succeeds, it’s worth it. And on days like today, he really believes it when he repeats affirmations of his own success and happiness in a silent mantra as the car crosses the river into Gangnam. 

“Morning,” he greets the receptionists. It’s not bright or cheery, because he’s not onto coffee number three yet, but they smile regardless. Neither of them correct him to say it’s afternoon, because he’s who he is and they’re probably intimidated. He wishes it weren’t like that, but his whole last fifteen years has been a testimony to the importance of keeping professional distances, so he lets it slide. It’s not about him; not really. 

The nice thing (one of many, he knows), about being his own boss (more or less) is that he doesn’t have to worry about running to his email inbox first thing to see if anyone needs anything from him. People perpetually do, but hardly any of them sign his paycheck, so they can usually wait a bit. So, he doesn’t bother. He gets his computer on, opens Cubase straight away, and starts work (after he texts to see if someone will bring him coffee number three). It’s peaceful, he likes this track so much it’s going to almost hurt when he’s done with it. That’s the moment he loves and hates the most—the one where something he’s put his soul into transfers ownership to someone else. If you love something, let it go, as they say, but Yoongi’s never really been very good at that. 

The songs he’s been writing for himself have been sad. They’re too honest—pure and crystalline, each verse a surface reflecting another way in which his breakup with Namjoon ruined him piece by piece. The rest of the storyline, where he’s gradually started to put himself back together, has only shown up in his ability to produce songs that are happy, angry, defiant, hopeful… Still can’t write anything like that, though. Has songs he’s worked on for months and the lyrics simply sit in his notebook unedited, unfinished. For someone like Yoongi, words turn the theoretical into the tangible. So, if he never finishes those songs, his pain remains as an idea—the remnants of it haunt him, but he never has to let anyone know that, not really. 

Instead, he can take the words and ideas of others and bring those to life. Maybe it’s healing for them, maybe they’re braver than him, but he plays a small part in their happiness and their success and that’s as worth clinging onto and being proud of as getting his own thoughts to paper would be.  

Later, after coffee and before lunch, he’s immersed in the song, but his phone won’t stop buzzing. It’s annoying and incessant and he can feel it more than he can hear it as he tries to ignore it in favor of working out a harmony on his keyboard. Finally, on what he assumes is the fourth or fifth missed call, he tugs his headphones off and grabs the phone. It’s the fourth missed call, it’s Bang-PD each time, and he can’t place why the man would call him so many times in a row. Then he gets a text that just reads, “Check your email, please.” Ominous or curious, he can’t really tell. 

In his inbox there are a hundred or more unread emails, but one sitting right at the top from his old boss—the subject line reads “Favor,” and it has an attachment. 

The email is simple; just that Bang-PD needs a favor. Needs someone to lead production on an album, and the artist has personally requested Yoongi. Yoongi doesn’t work for him anymore; their former boss has been long replaced by someone a little younger, a little more interested in running the company now that it’s bigger than big with divisions and sub-corporations so numerous that Yoongi can’t even count them all. But… even though he’s not the boss, he’s certainly someone Yoongi owes a favor to. Their relationship is complex—somewhere between friendship and mutual respect… When everything had ended, when Yoongi was lost and low and scared, his old boss was there for him. An ear to listen, a guest room to sleep in, a job when he was ready to do something with himself again… So, even before he knows who the artist is, Yoongi knows he’ll do it. It’s not like Bang-PD sends him shit usually, anyway. If he’s onboard, it’s probably at least half-good already. 

Yoongi pops his headphones back on and opens the attachment. A demo, rough around the edges but well-executed. Good ideas musically, superior ones lyrically. He doesn’t recognize the voice on the track, but he supposes it may or may not actually belong to whomever the song belongs to, anyway. There’s something about the song… something about how the words manage to be melancholy and optimistic at the same time, something about how there are maybe one too many competing sounds in the track… It’s so familiar. He likes it instantly, he also knows he can fix it, he knows it’s good but that he can make it great—doesn’t even finish the whole thing before he texts back. I’ll do it, this is good. Really good. 

The response is immediate. “I knew you’d like it. I’ll be in touch.” 

And just like that, Yoongi has a new gig as the current one is winding down. He still doesn’t know why it carried the urgency of an email and four missed calls and a text, still doesn’t know who the artist is that asked for him, but that’s how it goes sometimes. He’ll know all the details soon enough, he decides. No use in overthinking. 

***

So, life goes on. Work and routine and warmer days as spring rolls through Seoul, and meetings with rappers and singers and other producers… It’s busy in the way he likes, keeps him just on the healthy side of distracted, keeps him feeling productive, human even. His therapist, it seems, was right all along: things seem better with time and distance. 

When he meets Jin a couple Saturdays later for drinks, everything is as it should be, everything is squarely in its place in Yoongi’s carefully crafted world. 

“Yoongi-chi!” 

Seokjin looks happy—bright smile, bright voice, always a little hint of a tease in it. 

“Jin-hyung, I’m glad to see you.” And he is. These are always his favorite parts of the week. He’s wrapped in a crooked hug—Seokjin is and always has been a little awkward with this kind of contact (unless it’s with Jeongguk). 

“Glad to see you, too,” he says into Yoongi’s hair.

They sit, they flag down the server to place their order, and they catch up. Jin’s not making music anymore, but he’s busier than ever with all of his other endeavors: restaurants, makgeolli, commercials, MC gigs… the list is almost endless. It’s good to see him happy, trying new things with his friends. Of all of them, Seokjin’s always been one of the most private, so Yoongi likes seeing him this way, happy and open. It feels like something gifted to him, a part of his friend that not many people will ever get to see. 

“So…” Jin says lazily, and Yoongi knows he isn’t going to like what’s coming next—he knows this tone. It’s the “I’m planning something and I know you won’t like it so I’ve taken it far enough that you can’t back out or argue about it without looking like a dick” tone. Usually only reserved for Yoongi (and used to be Namjoon, too, but Yoongi—thankfully—doesn’t know much about Namjoon and Jin’s current relationship, if they’re still close enough for Jin to pull this kind of shit anymore). 

“You might as well spit it out,” Yoongi murmurs.

Jin laughs and takes a long drink of his beer. “Well… There’s someone I want you to meet.” 

“No.” 

“Yoongi, just hear me out.” He draws out the vowels of Yoongi’s name like he’s already begging. This means one of two things. A music favor or a date he doesn’t want. 

“What’s his name?” 

“Her name.” 

“A singer?” 

“No…”

Yoongi sighs and picks at the label of his beer bottle. “I don’t think I’m ready,” he says. 

“It’s been almost three years.” 

“Time is a construct,” Yoongi retorts. He means for it to be under his breath, but he knows Jin heard him, knows it wasn’t quiet enough. 

“Her name is Hiah. She owns a small soju brand we brought into one of the restaurants. She’s smart, Yoongi, really smart. And interesting, too. She plays the guitar and volunteers at the childrens’ hospital with Iseul. They get along great, and I know you’d like her.” 

Ah… So the truth comes out. Kang Iseul is a force to be reckoned with; you’d have to be to put up with Jin, Yoongi thinks. But Yoongi likes Iseul, respects her, and if she likes this girl… Maybe. “So you want a double date or something?” he asks. 

Jin’s grin reappears as he taps his temple. “Ah, Yoongi-chi, you were always the smartest one in the group.” 

Yoongi scoffs. “When?”

“Next weekend. Saturday. A fundraiser for the hospital. Wear a suit and get someone to do your hair.” 

“Hiah, huh?” 

Jin nods. “Hiah. She’s great, you’ll see.” 

A week later, Yoongi finds himself at the mercy of a stylist at the company who is ensuring he looks photograph-ready. It’s been a while since he’s been forced to shoot anything, dress any certain way, wear any makeup that isn’t of his choosing… He forgot that he kind of likes it—just a little bit, anyway. It’s nice to let someone dress you up and make you look like a different (hopefully better and less tired) version of yourself. 

It’s hard not to sit in the chair and be reminded of how he used to share these moments with the rest of them: how Jeongguk and Jin used to play-fight while the makeup team yelled at them, how Taehyung and Jimin would tease each other and Hobi and whoever else would pay attention to them… and Namjoon—how Namjoon would sit in the back of the room on his phone, always finished first, always pecking out a lyric or a text, meeting Yoongi’s eyes in the mirror every so often and giving a wink or a smirk or just a barely there flash of a dimple when no one was paying attention. 

“That’s a big sigh.” He hears Jin’s voice before he sees him, pulling him back into the present moment. 

“Who let you up here?” Yoongi teases in reply. 

Jin makes flower hands around his chin and pushes his lips out in a half-kiss, half-pout. “Ah, this face still gets me everywhere. Almost ready?” 

The stylist nods for him, and pushes the front of his hair back with one last spritz of hairspray before she signals that he can leave. He stands and bows to her quickly and then checks himself out in the mirror. Not bad, really. Actually, pretty good. His hair is long again, but she’s got it swept off his face, and he looks good in the suit she chose. It’s simple, navy, which isn’t his usual first choice, but looks pretty nice. When he checks out his profile, he decides maybe the pilates are still working just fine. He looks good. 

“Done preening?” Jin asks. 

Yoongi feels himself flush a bit under his makeup. “It’s been a while,” is all he says in return. 

“I know it has.” Jin loops his arm over Yoongi’s shoulders as they make their way to the elevator bank. “But you can do this,” he says. 

Yoongi’s not sure Jin’s right, but he’s gotten this far, so he figures he might as well give it a shot. 

***

Turns out, he ends up being glad he gave Hiah a chance. As promised, he does like her. The fundraiser actually ends up being fun, and it’s mostly thanks to her. She keeps up with Jin, she isn’t shy around Yoongi, she makes jokes (and Yoongi finds a great satisfaction in announcing to Jin that Hiah’s jokes are funnier than Jin’s, which Iseul agrees with, sending Jin into a panic of telling even worse dad jokes than he had been before). Jin was right: Hiah is smart, pretty, and interesting. She doesn’t just play the guitar, she plays the guitar in an indie band, which Yoongi thinks is painfully cool even though he really isn’t supposed to be impressed by that kind of thing anymore. She’s taller than him in her heels, probably a little taller than him without them, too, and looks incredible in her dress, which is off-white and off-the shoulder and shows off her collarbone and the delicate, fine-line tattoo that runs across the length of it, as well as her tanned skin, which Yoongi never has himself and has always been a sucker for. 

When the speeches start, the part of these kinds of events that Yoongi hates the most, Hiah leans in and whispers to ask if he wants to get some fresh air, and then promptly tows him out of the ballroom to a balcony on the next floor. 

“So…” she starts, looking a little unsure and a little wild as they lean against the railing. “Can I be forward with you Yoongi-ssi?” 

Oh, he likes her already. 

“Of course. And just Yoongi is fine.” 

“Iseul tells me you might not be over your last relationship.” 

“Does she?” It isn’t what he expected to hear from her; he was hoping to avoid the ex talk. 

Hiah nods and then turns to look out over the city, holding her weight off of her heels when she leans over the balustrade. “I don’t know if I am either,” she says quietly. “Over my ex, you know. But you’re interesting, and handsome, and pretty obviously out of my league, so…” She lets herself down with a hop. He likes watching her, he realizes, likes her playful body language, likes that she seems to have these bits of energy bubbling in her veins just under the surface of her skin that she needs to let out. She’s different from him in that way. “I think we should just kiss and get it out of the way.” 

“What?” 

She smiles widely. “You know, just see if anything’s there. If there is, maybe we see each other again, take things slow. If there’s not, then… Well, we can tell Iseul and Seokjin we tried and maybe they’ll get off both our backs for a while.” 

“You’re an interesting woman, Hiah.” 

One step closer… then another, and then Hiah is right there, breathing the same air as him, looking down a little at him with a smirk. “I’ve heard that before.” 

“Yeah?”

“Mmhmm,” she murmurs, and then brings her hands to his lapels to smooth them down over his chest. Something in the back of his poorly-functioning-at-the-moment brain tells him that they were already smooth, that she’s touching him just for the sake of touching… And he thinks he likes it. “I’ve also been told I’m a good kisser.” 

“Interesting…” He chokes it out, nervous, anticipating. Hiah’s clearly holding the reins and Yoongi’s excited, he realizes, to see what she does next. 

What she does is dip her head down and press her lips to his, all softness and kindness and something sweet that Yoongi immediately realizes has been missing from his life for a couple years. Hiah is warm and her lips are plush and when her tongue slips into his mouth, licking softly against his own, she tastes like strawberries and a little like the champagne they’ve been drinking. It’s nice—nice to feel wanted, nice to have the taste and smell of someone else weaving their way through his senses. It’s mostly nice to feel connected to someone. His chest hurts, thinking about how long it’s been since someone touched him like this, since someone showed him affection like this. The kiss is nice, tender, and a little bittersweet as he realizes how different it is… kissing someone that isn’t Namjoon. Without meaning to, he whimpers quietly when Hiah pulls away, already missing the feeling of her mouth on his. Missing the closeness. 

“That was…” he starts at the same time Hiah speaks. 

“Maybe there is a little something there,” she says, eyes wide. He’s relieved that it’s not just his unadmitted loneliness making him think there was a bit of a spark between them, that maybe she felt it, too. 

They share a few more sweet and quick kisses on the balcony, and then the sound of applause floating through the air decides for them that they should go back inside. He isn’t really sure how long they’ve been gone—kissing and laughing and sharing some sense of anticipation under the crescent moon. 

Seokjin literally giggles when they make their way back to the table, as Iseul politely points out that Yoongi has the dark red stain of Hiah’s lipstick on the side of his mouth. He would be embarrassed under most circumstances, but Hiah is laughing when she grabs his jaw gently and dabs at it with a damp cloth napkin. It makes him feel light and more free than he has almost since he can remember. 

He doesn’t escape the teasing from Seokjin for the rest of the night, and for weeks after that. He takes Hiah out a few times, keeping Iseul and Jin in the loop on how things are progressing. Each time he sees her, he likes her more. On the days when they have dates planned for the evening, he finds himself smiling more, focusing less, and even a little giddy looking forward to his time with her. She’s a good companion, still making him laugh like she did the first time they met, still easy on him and a little hard on herself—Yoongi can relate to that. 

Everything is going well, and he has to stop himself from thinking it’s going “too well,” that he doesn’t deserve this kind of happiness, that it’s not meant for him. 

***

The first time Yoongi invites Hiah back to his place after a date, he’s had an objectively good day. He finished the track he’d been working on for Younha, he met with one of the company’s girl groups to see if a song he’d written a while back could work for their new album—they loved it—and he finally got a meeting set up with the management of the artist whose album Bang-PD asked him to produce a couple months prior. 

His date with Hiah that night was great; they met at the company building and then walked to a cat cafe. It was stupid and simple, but they drank wine and ate cake and played with cats, and she was so funny and kind, and whip-smart with her conversation… He felt like he just stared at her the whole time with big, dopey eyes—this girl in baggy jeans and a hoodie with cats crawling all over her lap while she made stupid jokes about Schroedinger—and he knew that he was going to take her home, knew he wanted to try and take things further with her, knew he was about to cross into new territory and he was shitting bricks just thinking about it. 

“Hiah?” 

“Hmm?” She looks up at him and smiles, hands carding through the soft fur of a calico kitten that hasn’t left her side since they got there. 

“Do you… maybe want to come back to my—”

“Yes.” Hiah nods emphatically before he can even finish his sentence, and then they’re both immediately reduced to nervous laughter and shy smiles, downing the rest of their wine more quickly than people should, and scurrying to get a taxi back to his flat. 

As soon as they’re through the door, they’re on each other, Hiah pressed against his door, his hands pushing under her hoodie, and hers in his hair as he kisses up her neck and jaw, warm and soft skin pricking up with goosebumps as he goes. 

“Want the tour?” he asks, a little breathlessly.

“Not now,” she replies. “Just the bedroom, yeah?” 

And then it’s happening. It’s like a fever dream, and he doesn’t even remember how they got there, but she’s naked on his bed (and Yoongi hasn’t had someone naked on his bed in a shamefully long time—not since Namjoon, not since tanned skin and long, thick legs, and playful dimpled grins that are still etched into his brain), and she’s also long and tan and fuck, she’s wet already, he can see it when she opens her legs for him…

The first thing he thinks when he sees her is that she’s so different from Namjoon. And he hates himself a little for even thinking about him in this moment. He wants to give his attention to Hiah—doesn’t love her, but loves spending time with her, wants her to feel good and special and cared for, and thinking about how her legs are long and tan like Namjoon’s but that nothing else is the same isn’t achieving that.

It’s been so long since he’s been with someone, longer since he’s been with a woman, but he finds, as he brings his focus back to Hiah, that it’s the same now as it has been in his memories and fantasies for the last couple of lonely years. She rolls her hips into his touch when he slides one, and then two fingers inside her. When his thumb finds her clit, she whimpers, tells him it’s been so long and he feels so good. She whines again when his lips close around one of her nipples, rolling his tongue around where it peaks and letting his teeth sink in just enough for her to feel it, not enough to hurt. 

He’s hard and he’s self-conscious, because as good as he knows he is at making other people feel good, he also hasn’t been naked in front of anyone since Namjoon. Namjoon with his, “God, you’re so gorgeous, hyung,” and his deep, deep moans, and his jaw clicking around when Yoongi would tease him, making Yoongi feel sexy… powerful even, like he could do anything, ask for anything, and Namjoon would let him, would give it to him. Except when you asked him to stay, his traitorous mind tells him as he slides his briefs off and gives Hiah her first view of all of the rest of him. 

“Fuck,” she says. “Pilates works for you, huh?” as she sits up on her elbows and smirks. It makes him blush, makes him feel good, makes him decide that maybe dating Hiah, bringing her home with him, was one of the best ideas he’s had in a long time. 

“I do okay,” he replies.

“You look great,” she assures him. “Now will you please fuck me?” 

Sex with Hiah starts out fun. They laugh, and their teeth clack together a few times when they try to kiss, and it’s clear that it’s been a little while for both of them, but they eventually find a good rhythm. She’s a little whiny, a little desperate, and Yoongi likes that—it’s a confidence booster, makes him feel like he’s still got “it.” 

At one point, after he’s given her one orgasm already, she gets him on his back, straddles him, and slides slowly onto his dick. It’s the closest to perfect he’s felt in ages. She moves her hips against him, grinding more than bouncing, and it’s just like Namjoon. Just like him. There’s a warm wave of nostalgia that washes over him, and even though her hips feel different, and the soft skin of her stomach isn’t as firm under his hands, if he closes his eyes, he can almost swear he’s gone back in time. Namjoon grinding down on him, whining when Yoongi thumbs at the head of his cock, dragging precum and lube down to the base and fisting him tight. It’s so clear in his memory, the little grunts he would let out, the breathy, “fuck, hyung,” with each upstroke, getting more desperate as he got closer to release. 

Soon, Hiah is moving up and down, riding him fast and hard and he’s got his fingers wound tightly into the bedsheets because she’s not Namjoon—because he doesn’t know where to touch her, doesn’t know what she might like, and if he tries something, it might ruin the fantasy playing out in his head. The one of his best friend fucking himself on Yoongi’s cock until there’s cum all over Yoongi’s hand and chest, until they’re breathless and Namjoon feels like dead weight on him, reeling in his orgasm and just letting Yoongi fuck into him until he’s finished too, letting Yoongi use him to get off and moaning quietly through the overstimulation. It’s perfect, really, because Hiah is bent over him now, kissing her way along his collarbone and chest and it’s warm and wet just like Namjoon would have made him. And she’s giving him soft whimpers that he can distort in his mind to make them sound like Namjoon’s, and nothing is the same about them, not really, but nothing is so different that he can’t imagine it. 

He’s coming before he knows what’s happening, almost saying Namjoon’s name, his hands releasing their tight grip on the sheets to land on Hiah’s hips, to hold her down as he thrusts up into her hard, spilling into the condom. He knows she hasn’t had another orgasm, knows it’s selfish that he didn’t even try to give her one while he was still inside her. As his orgasm fades, the guilt sets in. It’s not fucking normal, he thinks, to be thinking about your ex-boyfriend while some near-perfect girl is hot and tight and wet on your cock, while she’s telling you how much she likes you, how good you make her feel. He feels himself turning red with shame, hopes she thinks it’s sex related… Pulls the condom off and tosses it before he dives back between her thighs to hide his embarrassment. 

It works, at least a little bit, because he loses himself in the way she feels and tastes, and she fucks his face like she’s taking something that doesn’t belong to her, and she whispers something when she comes that doesn’t sound like his name at all. Her eyes are pinched shut and there’s a tear slipping out of the left one, and right then, he remembers what she said the first night they met about maybe not being over her ex, knows what they’re doing is fucked up, but at least they’re in it together. 

They both clean up quietly, he invites her to stay, and she accepts, and he’d be willing to bet money that they’re both in it for the same thing—the delay of the crash that’s coming, the loneliness that will set in when they’re not curled up next to someone warm, someone who shares their pain, someone who gets it. 

Her breath is shallow and warm on his chest, and she’s kind and sweet and sexy, and he wishes he could have done this differently. 

“Are you alright?” she whispers. 

“No. Are you?” It’s honest; probably too honest, but he owes her that, at least. 

Hiah smiles against his skin. “No.” 

“At least we have each other,” he says, knowing it’s not enough and hoping it’ll do, anyway.

“Could be so much worse,” she says.

“The cats were nice.” 

She lets out a loud, bright laugh. “The cats and the orgasms,” she agrees.

***

When he wakes in the morning, he tries to stick to his routine, even with Hiah there. It’s strange to have someone in his space like this, he’s not used to it and it throws him off a little. He doesn’t know anymore how to make the right amount of coffee for two people. Doesn’t remember that Holly has to go for a walk and Hiah is probably a person who eats breakfast and those two things seem exceptionally challenging for him to coordinate properly. But Hiah is easy, relaxed about things in general, so she takes Holly for a walk while Yoongi cooks for them, and by the time they’re done eating and Hiah is borrowing a toothbrush and a towel so she can get ready for work, he almost forgets that he doesn’t know how to do this. 

They part ways when a car comes for each of them, one to take Hiah to her office in Sinchon, and one headed to Gangnam for him. She gives him a kiss before she gets in the car, and they make plans to see each other again on the weekend, and they don’t talk about how she cried, don’t talk about how he was picturing someone else on top of him. It seems like they don’t need to. 

He’s halfway through the day when he gets a “Good job” text from Seokjin with eggplant emojis because apparently they’re still fifteen, which means Hiah told Iseul that they’d slept together, and Iseul told Jin, and Jin is going to want to tease him relentlessly about it—worse than the teasing he was getting for not sleeping with anyone, probably. But they go back and forth for a bit, and Yoongi gets one of the interns to bring him coffee and the good dakgalbi from the place down the street, and he’s still on a bit of a high from the orgasm and the friendship and the food when there’s a knock on his door. 

It’s time for his meeting with that mystery artist, and he’s excited. He’s prepared for it, has ideas for each track that he thinks will help, but also needs to hear all the lyrics so he has a better idea of what they’re trying to accomplish with the songs. 

He’s got a smile on his face when he opens the door to Genius Lab, and it lasts approximately half a second when he realizes that standing in the hallway in front of him, for the first time in years, is Kim Namjoon. 

“Hi, hyung.” 

“No.”

Confusion crosses Namjoon’s face, Yoongi sees it—Namjoon has never hidden his thoughts well, never had a good poker face. “Sorry, I’m not sure what to say,” he says. 

“Me either,” Yoongi says, still in disbelief that this is happening. 

“Can I come in?” 

And that feels… like something Yoongi doesn’t want. Or, at least not right now. That’s his place. It’s private and it’s safe and it’s been redecorated since Namjoon left—the pictures of him all gone except for one of the seven of them at the Grammy awards a long time ago that Yoongi couldn’t bear to shove in a box. 

“I don’t think so,” he says. 

Namjoon looks crestfallen. “Well… okay. Alright… I guess… I guess I can go. Or can we go somewhere else?” 

“I have a meeting with…” And something dawns on Yoongi at that very second. “You. They’re your songs. You’re the one who asked for me.” 

“I did.” Namjoon nods, hands shoved in his pockets, just the right amount of sheepish. It pisses Yoongi off. How does Kim Namjoon have the audacity to think Yoongi owes him anything after everything they went through? After Namjoon left him… 

Yoongi scoffs. “Bold.” 

“Hyung…” 

“I can’t do this right now. I was having a good day, Namjoon.”

“And now you’re not. Because of me?”

“Wouldn’t be the first time.” Yoongi mutters it, but not quietly enough that Namjoon misses it. It’s catty and shitty and everything Yoongi has tried so hard not to be. It’s not who he wants to be, but seeing Namjoon in front of him just makes him so fucking mad. Like all of that hurt and sadness and feeling like he wasn’t good enough is just right there, taking a human form. A fucking gorgeous human form, because of course he is, because the universe isn’t fair enough to make him anything but the man of Yoongi’s dreams. It fucking sucks. 

“That’s not fair,” Namjoon says softly. 

“I don’t think you get to decide that.” 

Namjoon’s shoulders slump. “Fine. I deserve that,” he concedes. “But I really need your help with this one, hyung. I wouldn’t have asked if it wasn’t important. I know what a big deal this is.” And then he digs one of his toes into the carpet, twisting it around nervously. “I know I don’t deserve it. But I’m here, begging. You’re the only one who can make these songs right. I need you.” 

I need you. Those three words hang in the air between them. Namjoon’s face contorts as soon as they come out, like he knows there’s so much more meaning associated with them than he meant for there to be. He has to know that Yoongi has waited for years to hear those words from him. Fucking literal years. He’s had dreams about hearing Namjoon say those three words to him. And yet, now that it happens, he doesn’t feel anything he expected to feel. Not hope, not love, not even anger. It’s just hollow. 

“I need to think about it.” 

Namjoon pauses and sucks in a breath. “Okay, sure… That’s fair, yeah. Thank you. I mean, for even considering it. I know there’s a lot of… stuff here between us and… Well, I’m ready or willing to talk about it… Or whatever you want. If you’re ready, hyung. The ball’s in your court.” 

It takes a lot for Yoongi not to give a snarky reply. He knows it’s fair, more than fair. He doesn’t owe Namjoon anything, doesn’t owe him closure or support or his time. Where was Namjoon when Yoongi wanted to talk years ago? When Yoongi wanted to work through things? But he’s trying, really trying, to not feed his own negativity. So, instead of making things more awkward, he lets out a long breath he hadn’t realized he was holding and nods. “I’ll be in touch, Namjoon,” he says quietly before he shuts the door, leaving Namjoon on the other side. 

There’s something surreal about knowing Namjoon is right there, he thinks as he slumps against the door. Close enough to touch, and Yoongi has been thinking about that touch for years. Part of him is mad—over time, he’s run through a million scenarios in his head, what he would say when he ever had the chance to speak to Namjoon again. None of them had played out like this: more wistful than angry, more heartache than rage. He’s dreamt about giving Namjoon a piece of his mind, and still, given the chance, he couldn’t do it. Couldn’t bring himself to hurt Namjoon, not really. Doesn’t even think it would be worth it—nothing he could do to Namjoon would come close to hurting as much as what Namjoon did to him, so what’s the point? 

A while ago, if this had happened, Yoongi might have panicked. Now, he feels eerily calm about it. He does want to ask some questions, though, so he makes his way back to his desk and sends an email to Bang-PD, asking why he wouldn’t tell Yoongi that the mystery artist was Namjoon. It feels a little like a betrayal, and he wonders if anyone else knew. Did Jin know? Did Hoseok? Yoongi knows he and Namjoon are close. Maybe it doesn’t matter. If he hadn’t been blindsided, he wouldn’t have taken the meeting. So, perhaps, this was the only way to get them in front of each other. 

He leaves early that day, feeling a little shaken and more than a little confused about what he should do. 

So, he does nothing. He doesn’t go into the studio for the rest of the week, doesn’t call Jin, doesn’t leave the apartment except to walk Holly. He spends four days sort of frozen—reminiscing, thinking, trying to figure out the right next move. After four days of thinking and delivery chicken and self-admitted sulking, he pulls out the box. 

It’s a pretty morning in Seoul—the sun is soft in the deceptive way, where you could be tricked into thinking you can go outside without a jacket, but it’s hiding a bitter chill. Yoongi likes these mornings, not the cold, but the apricity—likes the way the pale, dissipated light filters through his living room. Likes the way the air smells when he cracks a window open, reminds him of stolen mornings with Namjoon at Naksan. Which reminds him of the box. 

It’s tucked in his guest room, hidden deep deep deep in the back of the closet under old equipment. It’s not big—it’s a shame or a wonder that you can fit ten years of memories into a 40x40x10 centimeter box, he can’t decide which. He hasn’t opened the box since he filled it, but he knows what’s inside. Everything that he needs to be reminded of Namjoon, including one particular picture he’s looking for. It’s halfway down in the stack of photographs and tickets and memories. Probably from 2014. In fact, he knows it’s from 2014 because Namjoon has that ridiculous hair, the swept back blond with the undercut that’s darker than dark. He’s standing on Naksan Beach, with the ocean on one side of him and the mountains of Seoraksan Park on the other and he looks like the love of Yoongi’s life.

Even then, back when they were young and scared and stupid, he looked radiant. Namjoon has always had this quality about him that Yoongi can’t resist—it’s magnetism, magic of some kind. Even when they fought and scrambled to survive and things were shit, there was no one Yoongi would rather have done that with than Namjoon. And that day, on the beach, before the real fame and the complication and the endless travel, he seemed perfect. Yoongi still remembers it—early summer, sneaking out of the dorms early in the morning without sleep, clambering into his shitty car, driving all the way to Seoraksan before Namjoon begged him to keep going to the beach, said he just needed to remember he was small, that he didn’t matter in the big big scope of the world, that everything would be okay. 

The sun rose on them as they pulled up, and Namjoon took his shoes off and ran to the sand as soon as the car was in park. Despite the sun, it was wickedly cold, but Namjoon didn’t even seem to notice. Head back, tan skin glowing, stupid haircut and all, and Yoongi’s only (terrifying) thought as he watched from the hood of the car was, “I’m so in love with him.” 

In his hand, the picture still feels like love. Feels like the day Yoongi handed his heart to a young blond boy from Ilsan in a quiet transaction. Namjoon smiles so wide you can barely see his eyes, his dimples are crater deep, and his palms are out wide—looks like he’s just trying to absorb all that sun and steal it, let it become him. Sometimes, back then, Yoongi was sure he’d figured out how, too. 

Certainly, at the very least, he stole something important from Yoongi that day. 

Nothing happened then, not between them, but it was a big day. The biggest. He took all those big feelings and shoved them into his chest and did what he thought was the right thing for the group, for him, especially for Namjoon. He didn’t know until later that Namjoon felt the same way, didn’t figure it out until they were in a hotel room in Osaka three years later, high off their world tour and finally alone for the first time in months. Yoongi lamented all the time they’d wasted not talking about how they felt, and Namjoon said that no moment with Yoongi could ever be a waste. And again, Yoongi’s thought was, “I’m so in love with you.” But that time, he said it out loud, and Namjoon said it back. 

He doesn’t realize he’s crying until a tear lands on the picture, right on Namjoon’s face, like the clouds opened up and dropped a bit of salty rain right there, Namjoon with his face titled, ready to receive it. It’s still precious, he wants to keep it, thinks he’ll save that picture until he dies, probably. It gets carefully wiped off on his soft hoodie and put back in the box, but this time, he puts it right on top. 

And when he puts the lid back on the box, it doesn’t feel at all as final as it had nine hundred days ago. 

***

On the weekend, he still has plans with Hiah, so he drags himself out of the house for the first time and meets her at a hole in the wall restaurant near Ehwa. It takes her all of five minutes to realize something’s up with Yoongi. 

“You can tell me,” she says after one of the women working there takes their order. 

“Tell you what?”

“You’re not subtle.”

He lets out a quiet laugh. “Sorry.” 

“Don’t be sorry.” Hiah takes his hand in hers on top of the small table. “Would talking help?”

“I’m not sure,” he says honestly. “I saw my ex this week.” 

“Namjoon,” she replies softly. It’s not a question. 

Yoongi nods. “Yeah… How’d you know?”

“Iseul told me. She thought I should know what I was getting into. A little more complicated between you two than a typical relationship, maybe.” 

He just hums in agreement. It’s true, and it’s a wild understatement. 

“How long has it been?” she asks. 

“Since we disbanded… So, about a month before it was announced if you were keeping up with it back then.” 

“I wasn’t,” Hiah says, “but it was hard to miss even for people like me who weren’t big fans.” 

Yoongi brings a hand to his heart in faux insult. “You weren’t a fan?”

This, at least, makes Hiah laugh. “Not really. But I wasn’t not one, either. If that means anything. And I’m a fan of you, now.” 

It makes his cheeks flush—Hiah is sweet. He’s a fan of hers, too. It should make him feel good that they have this mutual attraction, but instead he just feels kind of sick. He should be thinking about her, and instead he’s thinking about the box, about the pictures in it, and the boy in the pictures. About how the boy in the pictures became the man who stood in front of him at his studio the week before: beautiful, contrite, and small in a way Yoongi had never really seen before. 

So, when their food is in front of them and they’re settled in, instead of telling Hiah he feels the same way about her in return, he says, “I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”

Across from him, her expression doesn’t change. She takes a big piece of pork off the grill and wraps it in lettuce, chews it carefully and rolls her eyes back with pleasure just like Seokjin would. It’s funny, or would be anyway, but neither of them are laughing. 

“You’re not over him,” she says once she’s finished eating. 

“I don’t know if I am or not. That hasn’t changed. But I know that before, I really, really wanted to be.” 

Hiah gives him a smile he doesn’t deserve, understanding and more kind than his behavior warrants. “And now?”

“Now I’m not sure.” Yoongi takes a shot of soju and pours more for each of them. “I’m still hurt. But… I don’t know. I think he might be, too. And maybe I owe it to myself to find out why. Maybe I don’t and I’ll just get hurt more but…”

He trails off, but she picks it up for him. “But you were together for a long time and you need to know why it ended.”

“I think so. And I don’t feel right about this while that’s still hanging out there unfinished.” 

Hiah doesn’t placate him with a nod of agreement or a murmured “that’s okay”. It’s fine really, he doesn’t deserve her grace, he thinks. He certainly isn’t giving much to himself, and isn't proud of himself at this moment. He picks at the potato salad and tries to will himself out of this situation. It doesn’t work, of course. He’s always been an honest person. He knows he’s not ready, knows he’s probably going to hurt her or at least not be available emotionally if Namjoon is back in his life. Not at first anyway. 

“I think I get it,” she finally says. 

“I can’t do both things at once,” he adds. “Not well, anyway. Can’t get closure with him and give you what you need at the same time… It’s not fair, but I think I need this.” 

“As long as it’s for you and not for him,” Hiah says, with authority in her tone. It sounds like the advice of someone who has done this before. Someone who has been in his shoes. 

Yoongi doesn’t know what to say to that—doesn’t know if in the time that he’s been apart from Namjoon if he’s figured out what separates what’s for him and what’s for Namjoon. It used to always be interconnected, and he’d like to think it’s not that way anymore, but there’s a part of him that he thinks might never get over wanting to see Namjoon happy and secure. The same part of him that couldn’t tell Namjoon off the other day in the studio, the same part that still thinks of that day at Naksan as one of the best days of his life because Namjoon was happy, because he was giving Namjoon what he needed and that was enough. That’s always been enough; at least for Yoongi. 

But Hiah doesn’t need to know all that. So, Yoongi nods his agreement and makes a non-committal murmur over his bottle of beer. Tries his best to make it through dinner without feeling like he’s making another Namjoon-induced mistake, the kind he thought he was done making a long time ago. 

After a semi-awkward dinner, he turns down Hiah’s offer for coffee. She doesn’t owe him any kindness and he just wants to be alone with his thoughts again. They agree to stay friends, but it feels hollow, the kind of promise only made because both parties know the other won’t deliver. He might see her around, definitely wants to stay friendly, but can’t picture a future where Hiah pursues a friendship with him after he dumped her. He wouldn’t if he were in her shoes. He didn’t with Namjoon. 

It makes him want to scream, the way his traitorous brain relates everything back to Namjoon, every thought just seconds away from being connected to his past somehow. It feels like years of progress are reduced to nothing. He walks through the crisp night air and thinks he should go back to his therapist soon, thinks he’s probably actually going insane this time. 

The next day, he ignores his messages from Jin and Iseul, both asking why he’s broken up with Hiah, both not scolding but coming close enough that he doesn’t want to hear it. Both worried, he knows, Hiah’s probably told them that Namjoon had something to do with it and he’s sure Jin has thoughts about that. Honestly, though, he’s got no idea what they might be, because he and Jin have never talked about what happened with Namjoon—not out of the context of what happened with BTS, anyway. It’s actually one of the things Yoongi appreciates most about his hyung. One time, right when it happened, when it became abundantly clear to everyone that Yoongi and Namjoon were no longer sharing a car at the end of the work day, when Namjoon kept later than usual hours at the studio despite claiming he needed a break, when Jin caught Yoongi crying on the floor of one of the practice rooms at two in the morning… Then and only then did Jin ask. “Things are over, right?” 

Back then, Yoongi nodded through his tears and let his head slump onto Jin’s stupid shoulder when he took a seat on the floor beside him. 

Jin stayed quiet and just let Yoongi cry there until he didn’t have any more tears. And then finally, after a long stretch of silence, he poked Yoongi in the side and said, “Well, everything goes.” 

Yoongi looked up, ready to lose his shit completely, only to see Jin stifling a laugh. Sent Yoongi into laughter, too, and soon the two of them dissolved into a fit of giggles in the quiet city morning, laughing because one didn’t know what to say and laughing because the only alternative for the other was to cry again. 

“Thanks, hyung,” Yoongi said when they were done with hysterics and gathering all their stuff to leave. 

“We can talk if you want,” Jin replied. 

But they never did. So, Yoongi really doesn’t know what Jin ever made of the whole situation, doesn’t know if Namjoon and Jin ever talked about it, either. All this time, he’s made the assumption that Namjoon talked to someone about it, Hoseok probably, maybe Jimin, too. But he doesn’t really know. Doesn’t think he’s ever wanted to ask. 

His phone is a graveyard of missed calls, missed texts, and email waiting for responses, but he ignores it all in favor of sending one message in a long-dormant kakao chat. He shouldn’t send it, he knows better, he’s pretty confident this is going to end up in more therapy and more tears, and probably a lot of whisky consumption, but he can’t tell his heart to shut up. It’s always been as loud or louder than his brain. An advantage usually, but sometimes he’s his own worst enemy. 

It’s just a few words, but he can’t help but remember that’s more than Namjoon used to break his heart. 

We can start work on your album tomorrow at noon.

Yoongi doesn’t wait for a response—Namjoon will show up or he won’t, and Yoongi decided a long time ago that he deserved better than to wait around for someone who couldn’t make up their mind about him. The circumstances are different, but the principle is the same. He plugs his phone in and leaves it while he takes Holly for a walk. He hopes the fresh air will clear his mind, but knows it probably won’t.

***

There’s something like a loud crash against his studio door exactly at noon. If Namjoon is the same as he always was, he’s probably been standing out in the hallway worrying about how loud to knock or if he should knock at 11:59 or if 12:01 would be more polite.

“Come in,” he says, spinning around in his chair. 

There’s a soft thud and a groan. “Can’t.”

So, Yoongi gets up and opens the door for Namjoon, tries to push down the intrusive, cheesy thought that it’s a metaphor for something bigger. 

“Hi,” Namjoon says quietly. His hands are full, coffee in each one and a bag of takeout hanging from one of his wrists. He’s bundled up, mask still on, a fluff of dyed brown hair poking out from under his hoodie. 

“Hey.”

“I brought food. You haven’t eaten?”

“Not yet,” Yoongi admits. He doesn’t like that he’s still this kind of predictable to Namjoon, but he doesn’t want to lie either, and if Namjoon owes him a lot for what they went through, rice and kimchi is a good down payment. “Sit, and we can eat and go over some ideas for the album.” 

Namjoon lights up—Yoongi can see it even under his mask. “Sounds good,” he says, more calmly than he looks. 

They accomplish the first step; Namjoon sits on the small couch and his eyes dart around, probably trying to take in what’s changed since he was last in the room. Yoongi sits in his work chair across the coffee table and unpacks the food. It’s awkward. Awkward enough that they don’t quite make it to the second step: talking. Yoongi feels queasy, Namjoon looks like he is, and so they shove food in their mouths and avoid eye contact and the silence is simultaneously safe-feeling and painfully uncomfortable. 

Until Namjoon breaks it. 

“Are you sure you want to do this, hyung?”

Yoongi’s usually careful with his responses to questions like that, and takes time to choose his words. But he doesn’t have to this time. “No.” 

“Why are you, then?”

“I’m not sure, honestly. Curiosity, maybe?” It’s not quite the right word, but he can’t think of a succinct way to say that he needs to know why Namjoon stopped loving him, why he wasn’t good enough to stick around for. 

“Hmm…” Namjoon just murmurs, nothing coherent in response. It’s so terribly awkward, and Yoongi hates that they’re in this situation. He’s frustrated with himself for not being mad or angry, he’s frustrated with Namjoon for everything… But more than that, he wishes they could just be normal with each other. Just for a few hours. Just pretend like nothing ever happened and go back to 2014 when things were simple. He wishes they were at Naksan. 

“Do you remember the day we drove all the way to Naksan for the sunrise?” he blurts out. He regrets it immediately when he sees Namjoon freeze, chopsticks in midair, eyes wide. 

Then Namjoon nods, a cautious smile making it onto his face. “I do. That was a good day,” he says fondly. And then more quietly, he says, “That was the day I think I knew I loved you.”

And Yoongi doesn’t know what to say to that. Almost doesn’t believe it. It’s his turn to let his eyes go wider. “What?”

“Sure,” and Namjoon’s blushing now, bashful in a way that makes Yoongi’s heart feel like an instrument. “I remember thinking I was so lucky to have you in my life. So lucky that you would go out of your way to do something like that for me for no real reason other than that I wanted it.” He finally makes eye contact with Yoongi. “I remember thinking that it had to be what loving someone was; making sure they were happy. Putting them first. I felt so loved by you that day.” 

Yoongi swallows. They’d never talked about it, not once. Never had that, “when did you know?” conversation that he thinks most young couples probably have. 

“I would have done anything for you,” Yoongi replies. “That’s the day I realized that. That’s the day I knew I was in love with you, that I would choose you over me.” 

Namjoon’s face falls a little. He’s not frowning, but it’s the look he gets when he’s really considering something, when he’s trying to put the pieces of some puzzle together. “Is that why you’re doing this?” he asks. “I don’t want you to do this if it’s like that. I don’t want you to choose me over you, hyung.” 

He sounds a little desperate, a lot concerned. It’s not what Yoongi expected from him. Really, he’s not sure what he expected. Album talk, glossing over the past, asking about polite things like their military service, how their families are, what trouble their dogs are getting into… It wasn’t this. 

“I don’t think so,” Yoongi answers. 

“Good. If you’re sure.” 

Yoongi nods, still a little shaken up from their conversation, ready not to talk about it more. Which is ironic, because the whole reason he’s agreed to this is to get answers and now that he has Namjoon here, seemingly willing to give them, he can’t even bring himself to ask the questions.

“Let’s get to work, then.”

They do, and it’s still weird, and the air feels thick and sticky and uncomfortable between them, but the music helps. Yoongi outlines his ideas for each track, Namjoon scribbles in his notebook and hums along, chewing on the end of his pen in between writing notes. They don’t get to the lyrics yet, just Yoongi’s initial impressions and thoughts, and Namjoon promises to review everything and make some adjustments and let Yoongi make some of his own. It starts to feel a little more natural, working on music together, and Yoongi almost lets himself feel good about it, in his element. 

“I think what I really need to know is what you want to accomplish, you know?” he asks Namjoon as they start to wrap up for the evening. “What’s the message overall? And then, from there, we can get working on the individual tracks.” 

Namjoon stares at him for a beat too long, pen pinched between his lips. He drags it out slowly and taps the other end on his notebook—one of the same nervous habits he’s had since Yoongi can remember. 

“It’s a love letter, kind of,” he says. “Maybe more like an apology. I’m not entirely sure yet.” 

Yoongi tries not to throw up or yell or just storm out of his own studio. A love letter. Kim Namjoon dragged him into producing some sort of love letter to someone after everything they’ve been through, after all this time. It’s fucking unbelieveable. His head feels like it’s spinning around in his skull and his heart isn’t cooperating much better. But, much to his surprise, he keeps his voice steady and calm when he replies, thinks he schools his expression into something stoic. “And you think I’m the right person to help you with this?”

“You’re the only one, hyung.” 

And as much as Yoongi wants to tell him to fuck right off, something on Namjoon’s face doesn’t let him do that. He looks sad, hopeful, serious… Yoongi knows that for whatever reason, Namjoon means what he’s saying. And he may not like it, and it may drag up some shit that Yoongi’s been eager to keep to himself, but he may also get what he needs from this. If Namjoon’s so bent up over someone that he needs Yoongi to help him write an album of love letters to them, then he’s definitely moved on. And maybe he can help Yoongi move on, too. It’s dumb, but Yoongi’s always been a little dumb about Namjoon. 

“Okay.” He stands, walking toward the door to let Namjoon out. “Same time next week?” 

Namjoon’s voice is low and soft when he replies, a careful smile on his lips as he meets Yoongi at the door. “Thank you. You won’t regret this.” 

Yoongi wishes he could believe that. 

***

Whether it’s for better or worse, Namjoon was right. Yoongi doesn’t regret working with him on the album. There are times, of course, when things are tense, when the awkwardness between them seems to fill the room and threaten to suffocate him. But then one of them, somehow, lets the air out, and they move forward. 

And they work so well together—Yoongi wishes he could say he’d forgotten about that, but of course he hadn’t. He and Namjoon had always managed to sink into a familiar rhythm together when they were making music, and working on Namjoon’s album was proving no different. When they were caught up in a track, it was easy to forget that Yoongi was supposed to be hurt, that Namjoon had chosen to walk away, easy to forget that Yoongi still didn’t truly know why Namjoon was back. 

“Hyung!” The voice outside the door is unmistakable, and Namjoon and Yoongi both respond to it. 

“Come in,” they say in tandem before Namjoon seems to realize it’s not his studio to invite anyone into, and Yoongi realizes that maybe Namjoon’s been in closer contact with the other members than he’d known. 

Jungkook swings the door open, two coffees in hand, and freezes just inside the doorframe when he spots Namjoon sitting on the floor across from Yoongi with his lyrics notebook spread open on his lap. 

“Hyungs?”

“Hi, Jungkookie,” Namjoon says fondly. “How’ve you been?”

“Good… I’ve been good. Busy. I, uh… I wasn’t expecting to see you.” He tilts his chin to the drink carrier he’s holding. “I would’ve brought you one, too.” 

Namjoon just gives him a fond smile and lifts up the iced coffee he’s been nursing since dinner. “I’m okay, thank you.” 

Jungkook seems nervous, eyes darting between Namjoon and Yoongi, not knowing what to say or where to sit.

“Well, can I have the coffee, or what?” Yoongi teases.

It at least seems to shake Jungkook out of his shock. “Right! Yes, here you go.” After he hands the drink to Yoongi, he adds, “What are you two doing?” 

“Ah, working on Namjoon’s album.” 

This seems to be even more surprising to Jungkook than finding Namjoon in Yoongi’s studio. His eyes go a little wide and he turns to Namjoon, whispering, “You played it for him?” 

Namjoon’s cheeks flush and he scribbles in his notebook, pointedly not making eye contact with either of them. “Yeah,” he mumbles. “He’s helping me with the production.” 

“Oh…” Jungkook seems like he’s considering the idea pretty seriously. “And how’s that going?” He’s cautious sounding; like he’s trying to ask something else but can’t find (or doesn’t want to find) the right words. 

“Pretty good, I think,” Namjoon spits out quickly. “You know how it is with Yoongi and me.” 

“Boy, do I,” Jungkook says under his breath, probably not realizing he’s louder than he thinks he is. 

Yoongi feels a little lost, like they’re having a whole conversation that he’s not hearing, and he doesn’t know why Namjoon looks like he just got caught out doing something he shouldn’t. It makes him feel strange, like an outsider in his own studio with the idea that there’s something else going on. So, he interrupts them. “You’ve heard the songs, too?” he asks, head tilted up at Jungkook. 

“Oh, I… Yeah. Hyung played them for me a few months ago when he was trying to figure out what to do with them.” He pauses for a second, taking a drink of his coffee, and then finishes. “They’re pretty personal… I think the album will turn out well.” 

“Me too,” Yoongi agrees, and to his side, he practically hears Namjoon shrink under the praise, embarrassed probably, to be spoken about like he’s not in the room. 

“Well,” Jungkook says with a shrug, “I should go. I’m sure you two have a lot to talk about.” His smile brightens. “Or, maybe you already have if you’ve heard the so—” 

“Bye, Jungkook!” Namjoon practically shouts, too loud for the room. 

Yoongi definitely does not know what’s going on with these two, and he’s not sure he wants to. By the time they all agree to get together for dinner in the next couple weeks, and Jungkook is shuffled out of the studio with lots of confusing murmurs to Namjoon as he leaves about being proud of him, Yoongi feels lost—he’s missed something, but he’s not quite sure what. He’s replaying the last five minutes over and over in his head before Jungkook’s even to the elevator bank. 

“Still a strange kid,” he says as he sinks back into his chair. 

Namjoon never really responds, just nods into his notebook and hums noncommittally. 

***

Things, as they’re prone to do, finally come to a head a few weeks later. They’re in the studio, Namjoon recording a verse that hasn’t been sitting quite right with either of them. The more Yoongi hears it, though, the more he thinks it’s the lyrics that he’s taking issue with, not the delivery. 

He spits out a line about nights being as long as eternity, another about getting out his words and then feeling empty inside, and all Yoongi can think of is how much those lyrics feel like all the sad and lonely lines he’s been writing since Namjoon left. It makes something pull at his chest, makes a lump in his throat start to swell for some reason he can’t quite identify. If Namjoon keeps going, Yoongi might assuredly do something stupid, might cry in front of his ex or try and pull him into a moment too intimate for what they are to each other now. 

“Joon, can we take a break for a second? I want to talk about these lyrics.” 

“Sure, yeah.” Namjoon pulls his headphones off and sits on the couch with a bottle of water. “What’re you thinking?” 

He should have thought about this more, because now that he needs to say it, there’s no way to make it sound professional. Probably also no way to get Namjoon to drop it and put his headphones back on, so he’s a bit stuck. 

“Maybe I’m missing something,” he says, trying to be as careful as possible, “but this seems so sad for a love song. They all do, really. And I… Well, I just want to make sure it’s saying what you want it to say to whoever you want to say it to. If I’m being honest, right now it sounds like you just feel sorry for yourself and that’s… That’s okay if that’s what you want to say, but if I put myself in the shoes of whoever it is you’re dating, this might make me think you’re still thinking about someone else.” He takes a long pause and watches Namjoon carefully for any sort of reaction. There isn’t much of one, just a crease in his brow that only appears when he’s thinking about how to say something he’s thinking. Yoongi knows that look, it’s familiar in the same way as the lyrics they’re talking about now—it’s Namjoon’s alone, but Yoongi knows it in his soul because nothing used to belong to only one of them.

Then Namjoon speaks, and it’s so quiet, Yoongi barely hears him. “Not dating anyone… haven’t for a long time.” 

“Oh…” It takes Yoongi by surprise, because this whole time he’d been under the impression that Namjoon wrote this album for someone. Why write a love letter when you haven’t got anyone to write it to? 

“I am, for what it’s worth.” 

“You are what, Joon?”

Namjoon slides his fingers through his fringe and blows out a long breath, puffing his cheeks out. “Thinking about someone.” 

The twist of feelings in Yoongi’s chest is rough. Confusion, a little hope, a little anger, because if Namjoon doesn’t mean him, it would hurt too much to know there was someone after him that meant more. If Namjoon does mean him… That’s almost worse. He tries to be measured in his response. “Well, I think we all do that sometimes.” 

“Yeah… Maybe we do,” Namjoon agrees. Then more tentatively, he asks, “Do you?” 

“Do I still think about people I used to be with? Of course I do.”

“Do you still think about me?”

And there it is, the question he’s been simultaneously hoping to get and hoping to avoid. He’s thought a million times about what he would say if they ever actually spoke about this, about them. Now that they finally are, though, he feels dumbstruck. 

What he thinks is, every goddamn day. What he says is, “Yes, sometimes. You and I were…”

“Yeah,” Namjoon agrees. “We really were.” His voice just sounds like nostalgia, and Yoongi recognizes it in the way he’s been delivering these lyrics, choruses and verses bound with sadness and hope, a plea for absolution and to be loved. 

It’s a startling realization when he has it, but at the same time, he wonders if he should have seen this coming all along. Little pieces of information start to snap together in his head—Namjoon asking for him specifically to work on this, and on every song, which is unusual in their business… Jungkook being so strange, Namjoon himself being cagey about who the album was for, about why he was inspired to write these kinds of songs, too wistful even for him. 

“Who’d you write this for, Namjoon?” He’s firm in asking, not wanting to show how vulnerable he’s feeling, even though he’s asking for that vulnerability from Namjoon. 

“Hyung, I…”

“Just tell me, please.” 

Namjoon looks like he wants to sink into a hole, and Yoongi has no idea what Namjoon thought would happen, if he thought they could make this whole album and never have this conversation, or if he just thought he’d be able to control the timing and environment when they did. That would be classic Namjoon, thinking he has to plan out even his feelings so that they don’t pop up and inconvenience him. 

It’s soft when he says it, a whisper almost. “You. Of course it’s for you.” 

And Yoongi knew that, but having it confirmed sends him reeling. So he asks another question he’s not sure he wants the answer to. 

“Why?”

On the couch, curled in on himself and looking uncharacteristically scared, Namjoon stays quiet for a while. Feels like Yoongi might sit here until his bones brittle before he gets an answer. Feels like that might be okay, like he’s probably not ready for whatever Namjoon is going to say anyway. 

“Because you deserve an apology. You deserve to know that not one single day has gone by that I haven’t thought about you, about us… About how things ended when… when I didn’t even want them to. I have tried, hyung. I’ve tried to move on. And I can’t, you know? Feels like I lost everything and all this time I’ve been running trying to get it back, trying to fill some space in my heart that feels like a chasm and I… I just can’t do it. No matter what. It always comes back to you, and how we were—How good we were. I just…”

“You’re just selfish,” Yoongi interrupts.

Namjoon is crying now, glassy eyes filling and slowly spilling trickles down his cheeks. Was crying before he got called selfish, but now he’s crying and he looks like Yoongi just slapped him, surprise written across his face like a stain. 

“What?”

“Selfish. You heard me. You say I deserve an apology, and I do, but not like this. Not with some grand gesture bullshit. A whole fucking album, Namjoon? You could have called. Did you even think about me when you did this, really? Or did you think about needing to feel less guilty?”

“I tried at first… I called, left you messages you never returned… and then… I don’t know,” Namjoon says. He looks like the leaking tears might turn into something harsher at any moment. “I’m sorry… I’m so sorry.” 

Yoongi’s not sure why he says the next thing he does. Wants Namjoon to hurt a little, maybe. Doesn’t care anymore if Namjoon knows how much Yoongi’s still affected by him. “You know I was seeing someone when you came around?” 

“No… I didn’t know.”

“She was great, you know? Smart, funny, beautiful. She was good for me, too. And then you showed up, and just the faintest idea of you being back in my life… It made it impossible to keep seeing her. It wasn’t fair to her, to be trying to build something with her when I couldn’t stop thinking about you. Knowing you were going to be around… I couldn’t give my attention to her the way she deserved. After all this time…” 

It’s cruel, the way Yoongi saying he broke things off with Hiah puts this look on Namjoon’s face… One that’s part empathy and part anticipation. Cruel that he would give Yoongi the idea that they could be something again, cruel that he thinks that’s possible after what happened, after so much time has passed. Does he think so little of Yoongi that he thinks they can go back? Pretend like nothing happened? 

“You should go, Namjoon.” 

“Hyung…” It’s desperate when he says it, like he’ll take any crumb Yoongi will give. 

And equally as desperate, Yoongi replies, “Please, Joon. Just go.” He can’t let Namjoon see him cry, and it’s going to happen soon. He doesn’t even want to have these feelings, but especially not in front of Namjoon. Not when he doesn’t know yet exactly what they are or what they mean. 

Mercifully, Namjoon gets up to leave, packing his headphones and his notebook quickly, mumbling unwelcome apologies under his breath. Yoongi’s not sure he even knows what he’s apologizing for, still doesn’t think Namjoon really understands what happened between them or why it hurt so much. Certainly, Yoongi doesn’t begin to fathom why Namjoon seems like he was as damaged as Yoongi by the whole thing. Can’t understand what Namjoon said, that he didn’t want things to end with them. Because that day, he’d said plain as day, sitting them all at the big table in their old dorm, “I need a break from this.” 

Everyone knew what that meant—a break from BTS, from the pressure and the lack of privacy and the heavy weight of expectation. And Yoongi knew, too, that their relationship went hand in hand with that. More pressure, more secrets… Hiding is work, it’s exhausting, it looms over every moment, and once you get over the excitement of something illicit, the constant fear isn’t fun anymore. So, Yoongi gave Namjoon what he wanted: a break. No matter how painful it was, no matter how unloved it made him feel, no matter how much he wanted to call, text, touch… anything. 

As he leaves the studio, he turns to Yoongi one last time, tears still welling up but a little angry now, and says, “I wanted a break from the group, but you’re the one who took a break from us.” 

This time, it’s Yoongi who feels like he’s received a verbal slap in the face.

All that night and the next day, it’s the only thing Yoongi can think about. How can they possibly see things so differently? How can their perceptions be so starkly opposed? 

“Can we talk?” He says vaguely into the phone. 

“Are you okay?” 

“I don’t know,” he admits, voice breaking. “I’m not sure.”

Jin is at his apartment within the hour. It’s good, he knows, to have a friendship like this. Even when they’re both busy and on separate paths, that they’re still there for each other when it matters, that they carve out time to maintain their friendship of over a decade. There’s something so comforting about knowing someone cares for you as much as you care for them. There’s a quiet confidence in his relationship with Jin that’s hard to achieve with most people. 

“What’s going on with you?” Jin asks, fussing in the kitchen for whiskey and water and probably trying to find something to feed Yoongi, too. 

“Do you remember,” he starts, “that day when Namjoonie sat us all down and said he needed a break?”

Jin snorts out a laugh. “Of course I do. Our lives sort of changed that day.” 

He knows Jin isn’t laughing because it’s funny, more because it’s ridiculous to think any of them wouldn’t have the memory of that day imprinted on them… “What do you think he meant?”

The look he gets in return is part thoughtful, part surprised. “I think he meant he wanted a break, Yoongi. Not much gray area there.” 

“A break from what?”

He hums in consideration before he answers, “The pressure mostly, I think. We all needed it, all wanted it. He was just the first one to say it. It was a lot. To write songs we didn’t love, and for him to be the spokesperson, to not have time for his own creativity to bloom anymore.” 

“And?”

“And nothing, Yoongi. Sometimes people say what they mean. Namjoon usually says what he means.” 

“So… Did you think… Didn’t you think he wanted a break from me, too?”

Jin stares at him like he’s just said the most outlandish thing. “No. No, I never thought that. Did he tell you that?”

“Not exactly…”

“Oh, Yoongi…” The look of pity on Jin’s face is enough to make Yoongi want to vacate the planet, but instead, he just turns his eyes to the carpet and listens. “I think you and Namjoon should talk.” 

“Maybe,” Yoongi shrugs.

“I don’t think I have to tell you how ridiculous it is that the two of you might have given up years of being happy over something so…”

“Stupid?” 

Jin gives him a sympathetic smile. “Yeah, sorry to have to say it.” 

“Did you know? This whole time, did you know?”

There’s a long pause before Jin speaks again, and it’s fine. Yoongi knows it's a question that puts his friend in the middle—maybe makes him choose between honesty and loyalty. And aren’t those sort of the same thing anyway? 

“No. Not really. We never talked about it, you and me. And Joon is so…” Jin waves a hand around for emphasis. 

It’s clear what he means though. Some combination of smart, closed-off, quick to surrender. “He is, yeah…”

“He told me you weren’t taking his calls at first. Then when he enlisted… he told me he only regretted that you and he hadn’t found a way to talk through things. But he didn’t tell me what happened, not really. I assumed he said something without thinking, hurt your feelings, assumed you broke things off properly… But Yoongi, if you just… stopped speaking to him…”

It’s a little clearer now, in Yoongi’s head, what happened versus what he’s been telling himself. Namjoon got the group together, said he needed time to focus on himself, and Yoongi took that to the extreme, assumed the worst, let his biggest insecurities get the best of him. Maybe Namjoon did just mean a break from BTS. Maybe he didn’t mean a break from Yoongi. He had called a lot those first few days—left voicemails saying he knew he should have talked to Yoongi first, shouldn’t have blindsided him in a team meeting like that. Said he loved Yoongi and he was sorry. It’s so easy to see how what Yoongi thought he meant could have been wrong; how it could have just been taking things one step further than Namjoon was trying to take them. 

“Fuck.”

“Sounds about right.”

“I should talk to him.” 

“Couldn’t make things worse.” 

***

It’s been one thousand days since Namjoon broke his heart, and the thought and those words weigh heavy on his heart and feel thick on his tongue. One thousand. It’s ten one hundred days. It's been almost three years. It’s all the time that he’s been running in place trying to get his life back but always feeling a little off kilter. Jin was right—Yoongi needs to talk to Namjoon, needs to confirm his worst fears, that he made this happen, that he shut Namjoon out preemptively, before Namjoon could do it to him. That, contrary to what he’s been telling himself, it’s been one thousand days since he broke his own heart. 

Maybe the line between self-preservation and self-destruction is thinner than he’d ever thought. 

It’s difficult though, hard to swallow his pride and his nerves and pick up the phone. 

So, he doesn’t. He packs a bag and sends an email to work that he’ll be out for a few days and messages Jin to let him know he’ll be gone, too. When Jin asks him where, he just says he needs to go back to where things started. It’s vague enough that he knows Jin won’t track him down, probably thinks he means Nonhyeon-dong or Daegu. He wouldn’t know about Naksan. 

The drive is longer than he remembers, quieter without Namjoon beside him rambling about Murakami or Skinner or some other author that most people would have choked through in college but Namjoon read by choice. 

For the first time in a long time, he lets himself reminisce without trying to shut it down. He thinks about those drives: Namjoon reading out loud to him, Namjoon snoring in time with the rain beating down on Yoongi’s hood. Later, Namjoon sliding his fingers across Yoongi’s thigh and squeezing softly, his head thrown back and eyes scrunched closed with his smile in the passenger’s seat. Thinks about the first trip when he knew he loved Namjoon, thinks about the last one where they walked along the beach, Namjoon shirtless and glowing in the sun until Yoongi couldn’t stand not having him alone and dragged him back to their cottage. 

He’d love to say it wasn’t intentional, booking that same hanok again—the quiet, cozy cottage tucked in closer to the forest than the ocean—but of course it was. Really, he just didn’t know where else to go, and well… if he’s planning to think (wallow) he might as well do it right. 

When he pulls the car into the driveway, the cottage looks like it’s been stamped directly from his memory onto the landscape. It’s so funny how whenever it seems like everything in Yoongi’s life has changed, he somehow stumbles on the little things that remain the same. 

Walking through the hanok, he sees vignettes of his past playing out on the low walls, across the countertops, and all over the sofa and beds. 

Namjoon, sheepish, bringing a tray to the bed with something that vaguely resembles breakfast on it. Laughing when Yoongi runs a hand through his hair and tells him it’s the thought that counts. 

Later, Namjoon’s fucked out moans when Yoongi shows him exactly what he’d had in mind for breakfast instead, his tongue moving in languid circles around Namjoon’s rim, fingers pulling his cheeks apart to slip deeper and deeper. 

Sand covering the floor of the foyer as Namjoon panics because he didn’t realize he’d brought his new crab friend all the way back to the cottage. Yoongi in tears from laughter, Namjoon mortified at his potential animal abuse before making his way back to the beach to right his wrong.

The two of them, backs against the sofa and legs tangled at the ankles in front of them, arguing about the form of a song that would never even make it to an album. “Why don’t you just listen to hyung?” Yoongi says. 

Namjoon’s muttered response as he pouts because he knows he’s wrong but he’s argued too long to admit it now—always so stubborn. “Because it sounds better my way.”

Yoongi shutting him up with a soft kiss that doesn’t stay soft for long.

He stands in that living room today, swearing he can see the two of them still on the floor: argument forgotten, song abandoned, panting into each other’s mouths and slick with sweat as they came to an understanding in their own way. 

In the kitchen, he sees a golden-skinned Namjoon, perched on a barstool saying, “I love you so much I think I could drown in it,” as he watches Yoongi make him a sandwich. “Love you so big I can’t breathe around it sometimes,” he adds as an explanation as he twists his t-shirt around in his fist right above his ribcage. Sucks the air right out of Yoongi’s lungs, too, with the way Namjoon is looking at him. 

All that for a sandwich. 

Neither of them knew then what they know now—neither of them knew that they would drown in it, but that they’d also be the other’s fresh air, until the day the ugliest parts of their self-doubt snuffed it out like a spent cigarette.

Yoongi knows one thing: he’s barely been in that hanok for an hour and he needs to get out. 

It should be easy to distract himself that day—he walks along the beach and only thinks about Namjoon a little bit. He runs to the closest store and gets some essentials for the next few days: whiskey, pork, rice, kimchi… He grabs what he needs to make jajangmyeon, too, even if he doesn’t like it all that well anymore. It’s just that it’s Namjoon’s favorite and Yoongi used to make it for him all every time they came to the hanok—slurping cold noodles together in the yard and drinking cheap beer until they were so full they both complained they’d never be able to move again. Then somehow finding the energy to move when Namjoon looks at Yoongi through his eyelashes in his best approximation of coy and says he should probably properly thank his hyung for the meal. 

It should be easy, but it’s so very difficult to distract himself from thoughts of what used to be, he thinks woefully as he tries not to get hard in the market. 

That night, he puts on a movie and eats quietly on the couch. He doesn’t return the missed calls he has from Jin, but he decides he likely will in the morning when his thoughts start to run away from him again. For now, it’s easier to be on his own—easier to worry silently over if this whole painful three years was a terrible misunderstanding, whether or not he took away his own happiness instead of letting someone else do that for him. 

Neither is good, but one makes him feel so so so much worse. 

***

There’s low, buzzy thrumming through his head when he wakes in the morning. There’s an ache in his shoulder that matches it—dull and persistent… He should know better than to fall asleep on the sofa like this. Warm beams of sunlight make the hanok feel a little stifling—he gets up to open some windows, lets the swift, salty breeze off the sea take away some of the stuffiness in the room. 

Over coffee, he pulls his notebook out of his bag. He hasn’t touched it in ages, hasn’t thought about it much in between work and Namjoon. But it’s just as he left it, full of the words that he’s been afraid to turn into reality, too sad, too true, too much of his life on display. But knowing that things may not have (probably didn’t) actually happen the way he always told himself they did, the words take on a different temperament. 

While it sits worse with him that he might have at least partially put himself in this position, it also seems easier to let it go. Seems like he needs to, like it’s time. People always say it’s hardest to forgive yourself, but Yoongi’s had a lot of experience with that. He knows he’s bound to betray himself at times, he knows he’ll do things that are stupid or reckless or thoughtless. It’s been harder for him to forgive Namjoon because he never thought Namjoon would take him for granted, never imagined Namjoon would hurt him in a significant way. Yoongi might hurt himself as a part-time job, but Namjoon treated him like something precious—cautious and sweet, kind and compassionate. Namjoon was more graceful with Yoongi in their time together than Yoongi could ever imagine being with himself back then. Before he and Namjoon even got together, he promised himself he wouldn’t look back on his mistakes as such anymore—they’re just him. He did his best, he’ll do better in the future. 

It’s not easy to forgive yourself, but he’s practiced at it. 

So, he sits with his coffee in the sunlight and lets those words breathe the sea air with him, gives them life, makes them real, and tries his best to start giving himself the grace he knows he deserves. 

***

The day passes like that, Yoongi writing furiously, ignoring the cramps in his hands and the crick in his neck. When it’s nearly golden hour, Yoongi’s stomach rumbles and breaks his concentration for the first time. 

It occurs to him that he’s strayed from his routine for the first time in a long time, and it feels surprisingly good. His heart is splayed out on the pages in front of him, and his stomach is painfully empty, but he is more full inside than he has been in three years. It’s not over, he knows he has to talk to Namjoon, knows there’s still forgiveness he needs to extend and receive in that relationship to really find some closure, but he’s far more equipped to do that now than he was when he arrived, certainly more than when he forced Namjoon out of his studio days prior. 

When he goes back to Seoul, Namjoon’s will be the first number he dials, he promises that to himself while he grabs some fruit to stick in his pocket and leaves the hanok to spend at least a few minutes out of the house before sunset. 

Outside, he can see a storm coming over the sea. There’s still time, but the sunlight is filtered in stripes through thickening clouds. It’s hazy and low, perfect for photos, but ominous for the small number of families Yoongi sees trudging toward him, away from the beach, weaving around him as he carefully makes his way down the path toward the ocean. 

When he reaches the sand, the incoming storm has shooed enough people away that it’s nearly unoccupied. Rare for any place in Korea, but welcome. Yoongi likes being able to walk undisturbed, likes the sound of the waves giving a rhythm to his steps, likes to see if he can pattern his breath to match when they hit the shore. It makes music in its own way, and as he walks, he thinks about the songs he worked on that day, about what it might sound like to give a Pacific Ocean backbeat to some of the more hopeful of the lyrics he’s finished. 

Ahead of him, someone sits in the sand facing the sea, knees pulled up to their chest and what looks like a backpack next to them. It looks like a man, although Yoongi’s far enough away he still can’t make out any of their details, not really. The folded body looks like it’s probably long when stretched out, but it’s curled in on itself as if whoever owns those long limbs is trying to coil them inward and gather some momentum from them. 

Yoongi feels a twinge of empathy—something about their posture makes him think they’re gathering courage just like he is. He wonders what it is they have to do that they’re afraid of. Wonders if they’ve felt the freedom of finally putting words to their turbulent thoughts. 

He’s probably reading too much into a man sitting on the beach. 

He gets closer, and the person must hear him—their gaze finally breaks from the water and they turn their head in his direction. 

It’s silly—Yoongi laughs silently at himself for thinking this guy looks like Namjoon. He’s spent too many hours shut in the hanok, too much time hunched over his notebook thinking about the past. 

But then, the man stands up and plants himself in the sand, facing Yoongi, and runs a hand through his marine-air mussed brown hair. 

“I knew you’d be here,” the man says... Namjoon says. 

It’s enough to make Yoongi stop in his tracks, he tries to rationalize, tries to think of any possible reason his brain would actually hallucinate Namjoon standing on this beach talking to him in a perfect imitation of his deep voice. 

“Jin told me you were going away for a while. He said he didn’t know where, but that you told him it was ‘back where things started’. So, I figured…” Namjoon’s nervous, his words trail off into the breeze. Yoongi’s still in shock, maybe, unable to move. 

“Why are you here?” he asks softly. He can’t decide if it’s lucky or unlucky that the wind blows toward Namjoon, carrying his words along with it. They’re harsh, but his tone isn’t, it’s soft like the sand, the rocks in his heart already smoothed over more than he’d like to admit. 

Namjoon gives him a one-sided grin that’s just as soft in return. “Wasn’t going to make the same mistake twice,” he says as he takes a couple cautious steps toward Yoongi. 

“I don’t know what that means, Joon.” 

“You said I didn’t try back then. I could have tried so much harder. I should have—you were right. I should have stood in front of you and made you listen, made you hear that you were the last thing I needed space from.”

Yoongi doesn’t know what to say to that—of all the ways he pictured his next conversation with Namjoon panning out, this wasn’t one of them. The wind is picking up around them, and so is Yoongi’s heartbeat and the speed with which Namjoon’s speaking. 

“Hyung, I’m going to try this time. I’m here to try.” His dimple is gone, but the smile has been replaced with Yoongi’s favorite of Namjoon’s looks. It’s fierce determination—youthful and reckless and exactly the way he was when Yoongi started loving him (and a lot of things change, but oh, all the small things that stay the same, he thinks in a flash). 

“I wanted a break from the group, but not from you. I wanted a break from that so that I could focus on me and what I wanted, but what I wanted was you. I wanted us to have a future, I wanted us to have time. We never had time… We deserved that.” 

The storm is there now, and Yoongi can’t tell if the salt water on his cheeks is ocean spray or tears. Doesn’t think it matters either way, still doesn’t have the words to respond to Namjoon, still wishes they could have had this conversation years ago, still can’t separate the hurt from the fear from the love. 

Rain starts, the sky splitting open above them as Namjoon watches, waits for Yoongi to respond. There’s water everywhere, and everything is overflowing and Yoongi thinks he must have wasted every good syllable he ever had writing lyrics today because he doesn’t know a goddamn thing anymore except this: he fell in love with a boy on the beach once, and he’s pretty sure he never ever once stopped loving him. 

When Yoongi moves, it’s like the lightning that’s streaking across the sky above them. Namjoon’s eyes fly open when Yoongi’s arms fling around him, and he’s finally just as speechless as Yoongi when their lips meet. It’s rain-soaked and cold but Namjoon’s lips are warm and his arms around Yoongi are home and when he finally kisses Yoongi back it’s like drowning all over again. 

They stay like that until Yoongi can’t feel his fingertips and Namjoon’s shivering into each slide of Yoongi’s tongue against his. When they pull apart, Yoongi’s found a few words, so he just repeats them into Namjoon’s soaked hoodie. “I’m sorry, let’s talk… I’m so sorry…” 

And Namjoon holds his jaw carefully, thumbs wiping raindrops off Yoongi’s cheeks but losing the battle against the clouds, whispers back, “I’m sorry too, I never stopped loving you… Please, Yoongi, please…” 

Their icy fingers are threaded together as they scramble back to the hanok. Sometime as they run along the beach, Yoongi realizes he doesn’t even know how Namjoon got there, doesn’t care really, but maybe someone’s waiting for him or expecting him… 

“Joon-ah!” he calls over his shoulder, into the wind, realizing he never actually asked the question. “Do you want to come over and talk?” 

Namjoon’s smile is bright enough to break the storm, and he looks like love with his wet hair stuck on his face, water flowing down his cheekbones like waterslides to his lips. “I’ve been waiting for you to ask for so long,” he says, squeezing Yoongi’s hand in his. 

Jin’s car is in the driveway of the hanok, and it’s running, and the window opens just a crack when the pair rushes up through the yard. “You need me to stay, Namjoonie?”

“No, hyung, thank you… I don’t think so.” He turns to Yoongi, and it’s obviously a question: can I stay? Are we going to fix this? Do you want this?

Yoongi’s not sure what he expected, but Jin in his driveway after apparently driving Namjoon three hours there wasn’t it. He nods his head in agreement and mouths a “thank you” to Jin as he pulls Namjoon a little closer. The rain’s slowing, but they’re soaked and shivering and Jin has a long drive back to Seoul if that’s indeed where he’s going, so they wave and keep moving toward the house, peeling off shoes and hoodies as they enter. They see Jin flash his lights as he backs out, and Yoongi makes a mental note to buy Jin all the meat in Seoul when he gets back for what he’s done today.

They don’t really talk until they’re inside, dripping onto the foyer floor, Namjoon looking around curiously. Yoongi wonders if he’s trying to see how much has changed, wonders if he has the same film highlight reel of their greatest moments there playing across his field of vision as Yoongi did a day ago. 

“Let me get you a towel and some dry clothes,” he says. 

When Namjoon emerges from the hanok’s bathroom a few moments later, hair now half-wet and fuzzy from the towel drying, he’s wearing a pair of Yoongi’s sweatpants—comically short and not even covering his ankle bones. 

It’s a stupid thing, probably, the way that Yoongi loves his ankles. Namjoon is big, that isn’t a secret, and he’s especially large in comparison to Yoongi. But his ankles are so delicate, tendon narrow and bone sharp against his maple wood skin. For years, Yoongi’s admired them, how they keep Namjoon’s long frame so (mostly) steady—they’re a miracle of physics and a good parallel for Namjoon as a person. Larger than life and painfully delicate at the same time. 

“You’re staring,” Namjoon notes, drawing Yoongi’s attention away from his lower half. 

“Those pants look stupid on you,” is all Yoongi says in return, and he doesn’t even mean it. Namjoon can probably tell; the words are delivered with a specific fondness that he doubts has been forgotten. 

“I’d say that means I should take them off then, but maybe we should talk, instead.” 

That’s a consideration, certainly. Kissing in the sand, Yoongi hadn’t let his thoughts get that far. Should they talk? Doesn’t he want to? Yes, and eventually, but mostly he wants to get that feeling back—the one of Namjoon’s thick bottom lip on his, the one of Namjoon’s arms holding him firm and insistent against a broad chest. 

“I missed you.” 

“I missed you too, hyung. All the time and every day.” 

“I think I know that now,” Yoongi admits quietly. 

Namjoon gives him a hint of a grin in return, but it’s not an entirely happy one. “I wrote you letters,” he says. “Once a month. Never got brave enough to send them, though. Turned them into all those songs, instead.” Yoongi sits on the sofa while Namjoon speaks, and he pats the spot next to him in encouragement. 

“I never knew you were so sad, Namjoonie…” 

“No one asked,” he shrugs. “Don’t blame them… Things were hard for a while and that was mostly my fault. I know that. I guess Jungkook did once, though. That’s when I showed him all the lyrics.” Namjoon laughs, mostly to himself. “He cried for like an hour after he read them. He’s always been so soft.”

“They are pretty sad,” Yoongi agrees.

“I have another track for it. One with a little more hope. Haven’t been able to get it quite right—didn’t feel the right way inside to finish it, I think. But maybe…” He trails off, eyes lifting from where he’s been staring at the rain outside to look at Yoongi. “Maybe I could finish it now.” 

And there is so much they need to talk about, so much to resolve, to hash out, to work through. This morning, Yoongi was just thinking they might be able to salvage a friendship, and now it’s confusing and bigger and all he can focus on his Namjoon’s lips on his and how nice nice nice it felt and how safe safe safe he would be with Namjoon if he just let himself forgive—let himself forget. 

Just for a while, he thinks. 

“Just for tonight,” he says, “maybe we can not talk…” 

“Can I kiss you again?” Namjoon asks.

Yoongi doesn’t answer, just scoots himself forward until he can fit Namjoon’s jaw in his hands and his thumbs on those pretty pretty cheekbones and presses his lips careful careful quiet (but not nervous) to Namjoon’s. 

They both hum into the kiss, Namjoon’s deep like a moan and Yoongi’s with the higher pitch of relief and release. Letting go of all the nerves and the fear and breaking everything down to the basest of parts: lips and tongue and teeth and hearts and he swears he can feel Namjoon’s beating steady like the waves and right in time with Yoongi’s. 

They’ve always had the same rhythm. 

It’s like that for a while—time feels fake because Yoongi thinks they must have been kissing for years, they must have never been apart. It gets messier and deeper and more intense as they kiss, and somehow he ends up in Namjoon’s lap with his fingers twisted in damp hair, pulling Namjoon as close as he can. Namjoon’s long fingers are teasing along his back, light touches under Yoongi’s shirt, moving across the back of his hip bones in a way that’s driving him wild, pricking up goosebumps on the thin skin there and daring to skim his waistband every now and then. It’s a question unspoken and one that they both already know the answer to. 

“Take me to the bedroom,” he breathes against Namjoon’s lips. It’s not a request, not really. 

Namjoon nods furiously, out of breath and flushed as he lifts them both from the couch at the same time in a display of strength that makes Yoongi’s insides tumble and twist. 

They kiss their way down the hall, and Namjoon’s still clumsy in the precise way Yoongi remembers—his pointy elbows bump into the drywall to keep Yoongi from taking the hit and his teeth tug on Yoongi’s lips as he licks and groans into Yoongi’s mouth.

It’s an eternity before they make it to the bed—feels like the kind of forever Yoongi wants when Namjoon lays him down in the middle of the mattress and slowly pulls his joggers and briefs off. 

“You’re so fucking pretty, hyung.” It comes in an exhale and Yoongi feels just as breathless when his mostly-hard cock bounces against his own pelvic bone. 

“Did you forget?” He teases Namjoon instead of giving away quite how affected he is (beyond the obvious). “Used to tell me all the time, remember?”

Namjoon wraps a hand around Yoongi’s cock and strokes slowly, still looks surprised to be there, surprised Yoongi’s naked under him. “Didn’t forget… Pretty skin, so smooth and perfect. Pretty face,” he says fondly. “Pretty cock, too.” He squeezes around the shaft at that and leans over to kiss Yoongi again, tongue insistent and just as skilled as Yoongi remembers.

Yoongi’s already lost in it—it’s a little dry and a little less confident than he thinks Namjoon used to be, but it’s still so good. Namjoon thumbs over his slit and with his other hand, he swirls around Yoongi’s balls just the way he likes and it’s all so much. Unfair, Yoongi thinks, that Namjoon’s still not naked, but Yoongi doesn’t even think he can open his eyes anymore, so maybe it doesn’t matter. 

“You still with me?” Namjoon whispers into his ear, teeth tugging gently at his earlobe and then lips moving down the column of his neck to tease at the thin skin there. 

“Yeah, yeah Joonie… I’m here. Feels so good. You’re so good for hyung.” 

Namjoon sounds like he might cry, voice cracking when he replies, “I missed this so much… Missed you.” 

When Yoongi opens his eyes, Namjoon’s eyes are glassy, his pupils are blown and he’s got love and lust written in ee cummings trickles across the planes of his face. It’s a look Yoongi never thought he’d see again, makes him feel wanted and proud and so fucking turned on he might pass out before he comes. 

“Want to feel you, Namjoon,” he whispers. “Please… need to see you.” 

Namjoon kisses him lazy and deep before he sits on his knees and yanks his (Yoongi’s) shirt off with a hand behind his back. His body has changed—Yoongi can see all the soft spots gone a little firmer since his enlistment. His chest looks wider and more filled out, his abs are more defined… The way Yoongi’s sweatpants sit low on his hips is beyond indecent. He can almost hear himself swallow his arousal. 

“I think I look a little different than last time,” Namjoon says in the most absurd understatement Yoongi’s heard this month. He looks bashful, and Yoongi can’t possibly think of what Namjoon would have to be ashamed of—he thinks he’s perfect. 

“I think you look perfect,” he mumbles. It changes Namjoon’s bashful smile into a smug one as he climbs off the bed and pulls Yoongi’s sweats off. His back is to Yoongi, and it’s a view he’s seen more times than he can count, but it’s still as good as the very first time. 

“You still keep lube in your bag when you travel?” Namjoon asks, throwing Yoongi a look over his shoulder. “In the small pocket?”

Yoongi nods, a little embarrassed to be known like this, a little awkward since it’s been so long since he’s been with Namjoon like this. He wonders, briefly, if anything’s changed about what Namjoon likes, wonders if he’ll still know how to make him come untouched. Wonders if Namjoon’s as predictable still as he seems to find Yoongi to be. Wants that, and also wants the small thrill of discovering all the new things, too. 

Namjoon gets back on the bed and Yoongi moves to make room when Namjoon taps on his hip to scoot him over. He’s always been like this, a little bossy, a little quiet until he’s got something brushing his prostate—then he’s pliant, talkative, a bumbly mess in the best way. Filth spills from his lips but it never makes much sense, just fragments of feelings and always a little bit of desperate pleading mixed in, always wanting more and deeper and harder. 

When Yoongi scoots down the bed and sits on his knees, expecting to slick up his own fingers and work Namjoon open slowly the way he likes, he gets his first surprise. Namjoon’s on his back with a pillow under his hips and he’s already two fingers deep, cheeks pink with a sheen of sweat on his forehead and staring right at Yoongi. 

It takes a lot of self-restraint not to try and slide one of his own fingers in alongside the two already there. “Oh, Joonie… You look so good like this, opening yourself up for hyung.”

“Want to be good for you,” Namjoon says, a little whiny. “Think about you all the time when I do this. Always you…” 

The angle’s all wrong, Yoongi knows it can’t feel great on his wrist, but then he sees the moment Namjoon finds the spot he’s been looking for—Namjoon’s eyes roll back in his head and he lets out a groan that sounds a lot like, “Yoongi,” and Yoongi has to kiss him. 

He pushes Namjoon’s hair off of his forehead and presses their lips together, slides his tongue across Namjoon’s and then pulls away to whisper praise into his ear—tells him he’s a good boy, he’s so pretty, he’s doing so well, Yoongi can’t wait to be inside him. 

They kiss slow and heavy, Yoongi’s dick is pressed up against Namjoon’s hip, and as Namjoon works a third finger in himself and moans long, Yoongi moves in little grinding motions against him—can’t help himself, needs just a little relief while he waits for Namjoon to be ready for him. He’s not huge, but Namjoon’s always needed a good amount of prep and they both like this part, like the anticipation and the teasing and the kissing. 

“I’m ready,” Namjoon says, voice shaky. “Need you to fuck me now… Please,” he adds. 

Always so polite while he makes Yoongi lose his mind. 

Yoongi sits up, makes a point of mouthing along Namjoon’s cock before he goes—it’s nothing too intense, just wet and open lips across Namjoon’s length, a little swirl of his tongue around the crown that makes Namjoon whine loudly and repeat himself. “Please, hyung… Please, I need it…” 

“Okay, yeah…Want to take care of you,” Yoongi agrees. He finds the condom Namjoon had left on the bed earlier and rolls it on, then sets himself between Namjoon’s thighs. He pauses then, because in movies, this is the moment when everything changes. When sex makes the feelings irreversible, sets two people on a path that they can’t walk backward along. Whatever he and Namjoon have isn’t a movie, it’s absolutely no fairytale, and even if Yoongi never slides into Namjoon’s tight heat, things will have changed between them. So, there’s nothing to lose, not really, and he’ll get the whole fucking world, he decides when he looks in Namjoon’s eyes, if things keep changing for the better.

Before, they weren’t careful and slow. Before, when Namjoon said he was ready, Yoongi would believe him and give him everything all at once. It was always deep and deeper and fast. But this time, he takes his time sliding into Namjoon. Wants to remember this, wants to document each still frame in case this is the last time. It’s something he’s always regretted about before, that he took their last time for granted. 

Or, what he thought would be the last time, anyway. 

“Oh, holy shit,” Namjoon sighs as Yoongi’s tip enters him. It’s followed by that mumbling, slurred rambling that Yoongi’s missed so much. It’s a mess of, “feels so good… hyung, please… fuck me, please” but never comes out coherent like that and Yoongi bends over to kiss the words right out of his mouth. When their lips part, Namjoon whispers, “Please hurry...” in the most desperate voice Yoongi thinks he’s ever heard.

“You’re so tight, Namjoon, give me a second… Feels too good, don’t want to come already.” 

Namjoon’s coherent enough to smile at that, his lips so close to Yoongi’s still that it’s almost as much a feeling as it is a sight. 

Finally, finally, Yoongi works all the way in, his hips flush with Namjoon’s skin. He pauses for a minute, finds one of Namjoon’s hands and tangles their fingers together at their sides, and then he pulls out halfway and thrusts back in. 

“Oh my god,” Namjoon groans. “Don’t stop, please…” 

And Yoongi doesn’t. Keeps licking the curses out of Namjoon’s mouth and pushes one of his thighs back further so he can get the right angle. When he starts hitting Namjoon’s prostate on every thrust, he feels Namjoon’s fingers tighten around his, feels him moan into Yoongi’s mouth, sees the tears gather in the corners of his eyes. 

“You’re so good, Namjoonie, feel so good around my cock.” 

“I’m so close, hyung,” he whines, follows it with a little begging, just like always, greedy for more. 

“Are you gonna come for me,” Yoongi asks. “Just like this?” 

Namjoon can only nod because Yoongi’s picked up his pace, curves his back so he can get one of Namjoon’s nipples in his mouth, teases and nips at the skin there and makes Namjoon absolutely keen underneath him. 

This is what Yoongi remembers, the almost nonstop, “Please, please, please… wanna come, hyung,” that Namjoon’s repeating. 

“Yeah, come on, baby, want to see you,” he agrees, out of breath and so enamored all over again. 

Yoongi lets go of Namjoon’s thigh and runs just the tip of a finger along Namjoon’s cock—that’s all it takes. Namjoon lets out a long moan and then he’s coming, body tightening around Yoongi and cum streaked across his own stomach before he goes lax and loose. 

“Want you to come, hyung,” he says, and it comes out a little raspy and foggy, and Yoongi loves him like this. 

Loves him. 

“Fuck, I love you… Love you, Namjoon.” 

Namjoon wraps long arms around Yoongi’s shoulders and pulls him closer. “Love you so much, hyung.” 

And that’s what does it for Yoongi. He gives a couple of staccato thrusts into Namjoon and then he’s spilling into the condom and trying not to collapse down on top of the man underneath him. 

They’re kissing again, drawn out and soft, and they stay that way until they can’t really anymore, Yoongi slipping out of Namjoon and disposing of the condom while Namjoon closes his eyes and wipes leaking tears out of his eyes. 

In the bathroom, Yoongi grabs a washcloth and looks in the mirror. He doesn’t look any different than he did this morning, but he feels like he’s been reborn a little. It’s dangerous to feel this hopeful, but it’s a hell of a lot more interesting than feeling so sad. 

He cleans Namjoon as best he can, and gets water for both of them before climbing back into bed. 

“We should talk tomorrow,” he says as he pulls Namjoon tight against him and presses a kiss to his shoulder. 

“Yeah, we’ll talk tomorrow… Need to talk,” Namjoon agrees sleepily. 

“Go to sleep, Namjoonie.” Fond, fond, fond. 

“G’night, hyung.” 

Namjoon’s asleep before he can say it back. 

Yoongi lays in the dark bedroom and he holds Namjoon tight, and sleep evades him. There’s so much unsaid, so much they really do need to figure out. They can’t just pretend the last three years didn’t happen, and there’s so much Yoongi wants to know, so much he wants to tell Namjoon, too. 

But it’s late, and he’s tired, and Namjoon’s already started snoring, so it will wait. They will sleep, and in the morning, they’ll walk this new path together and this time, Yoongi will say what he means and ask questions and get all the information before he decides what someone else is thinking on their behalf. If Namjoon can try, he can, too. 

They both deserve at least that much. 

It’s been less than one day since he let Namjoon back into his life, and the last thing he thinks before he slips into sleep is that for once, he might not still be counting the days when he wakes up in the morning. 

[jmdbjk]

Gosh, thirsty...need a drink.

Jimin wore my fave sweatpants of his...

And I spotted this cuteness overload:

Jimin's hip flexor strength and overall flexibility...and JK and Tae's lack of...hahahahaha!!

AND WE'VE MISSED THESE TWO!!!

Not surprised to see these three still at it:

[god bless Jimin's sweatpants...]

The diverse reactions and comments they each had over the course of these several days was revealing to me. Emotions were obviously running high on the day of the concert.

After the concert was over, Jungkook remarked that he felt they stopped in the middle. His 25 year old self feeling unfinished as if he was just getting started. My confused bunny. I want to console you. I FEEL YOU! We are waiting to see what you are preparing for us!

Totally the opposite of Namjoon who was relieved. We know how challenging its been for him. The release of his album Indigo was coming up and I'm sure he had a lot on his plate. And maybe the way the whole Busan concert came to be wasn't on his calendar at first for 2022...but he still hinted they would be back in the future.

Hobi the consummate artist always with the mindset that they can do better. Such high, high standards and I never expect anything less from him. He is amazing.

Jin's voice...damn...we had no idea how bad it was until I heard him speak while they were getting ready for the concert. He sounded rough. It was a miracle he was able to sing so well. When he was talking about a concert the following week, it took me a moment to realize he was speaking about his appearance at the Coldplay concert in Argentina. The translation had him saying "we" instead of "I" so it confused me for a minute.

Yoongi is a man of few words sometimes: "It ended well. I have no regrets." Close that chapter. On to the next. Another one who is looking forward instead of back.

Tae was being the openly emotional and sentimental one out of the bunch. I hope he does everything he desires in his time away from the group. If he really didn't want that feeling he was having during the concert to end, he will strive to be back sooner than later. Good motivation to get through whatever the immediate future requires.

And our sweetie, Jimin. Did I already mention those are my favorite sweatpants?

Jimin is doing well. He is working his ass off like he is accustomed to doing. He seems happy. He says he is happy. He just wants to be on stage. He will be fine during his solo era and I know he will be ready when it's time for them to "reconvene."

[impishtubist]

not really a hot take but what are your thoughts/headcanons for wolfstar only admitting their feelings and/or getting together after azkaban

MY THOUGHTS ARE THAT THIS IS MY FAVORITE VERSION OF WOLFSTAR.

We all already know that I'm not really interested in them at Hogwarts or during the First War. They're too young and I don't care. But during the canon years, when they're in their 30s? YES that is the best version of Wolfstar. Characters are only interesting to me when they are full adults, apologies to the twenty-something crowd.

I think this could happen many different ways! Maybe Sirius doesn't know that he's queer--he always thought that he was straight at school, and then after he was focused on the war and his friends dying and sexuality sort of took a back seat to all of that. Maybe it's not until he's stuck in Grimmauld with Remus during OOTP that he starts to realize he's not as straight as he once thought.

Maybe they both knew they were queer but they always dated other boys at school--which is fine! Sirius and Remus are allowed to have other loves who are not each other, and who are important to them! I'm sick of fics where the two of them are jealous over each other lmao, you don't own someone just because you have a crush on them. Actually, I love the idea of them never having a crush on each other as kids and young adults! And then in their 30s, they're both like "wait...............you're kind of attractive actually."

I think it happens during Sirius’s birthday in 1995. He and Remus are alone at Grimmauld, and while Sirius is miserable being stuck in the house and missing Harry, he’s glad to at least have his oldest/closest friend with him. I think Remus does what he can to make the day special for Sirius--maybe bakes him something of Effie Potter’s that he’d always liked, though Remus is shit at baking and it comes out terribly. Sirius eats it anyway, because Remus had tried and that means more than anything. Remus doesn’t have any money for a present, but maybe he found a box of James and Lily’s things he’s been keeping all these years, or a box of Sirius’s old things, or maybe they sit together with a photo album and Remus describes some memories to Sirius that he forgot b/c of the Dementors. And then, idk, I think at one point Sirius would just go for it and lean over and kiss Remus, and they both would be like oh.

And then when the school year ends Harry runs away from the Dursleys and goes to live with his gay uncles the end.

[kfedup]

Sunday 7

or more, I don’t know, we’ll just have to wait and see...

1. Wishing the fathers in my orbit a beautiful day and sending love and light to all of the many who I know, like myself, have hard, complicated feelings about it all. I texted mine this morning and see that he read it, but no reply. I can’t recall the last time he reached out to me beyond a rare FB messenger note and we haven’t been face-to-face in the same room, or even the same region of the US for 20 years. Oh, wait, that’s not true. I was in Florida last year at this time and tried to get together with him, but he couldn’t make it work. It is what it is. I’m working on letting go of my resentment and imagining what life was like for him. We’ll see if that gets me anywhere. 

2. Those somatic movement exercises for Psoas are truly saving my life. As soon as I do them, I’m back in business. Hopefully the pilates work will help strengthen the muscles around my hips so I’m not in constant distress. Last night was weird. My 20-year-old cesarean scar began to hurt the way it did when it was healing. Lila’s 20th birthday is in a few weeks and I’ve been writing a lot about my body and specific traumas that have occurred and how i’ve compartmentalized and outsourced so much. I had just eaten a gummy and as it kicked in and the pain increased, I got myself into a relaxed position in bed and turned on a breathing meditation and I just fucking went into it. I won’t bore you with the details of my traumatic release other than to say holy hell the body holds onto some shit. I got up afterwards and wrote it all down, then hit replay on the meditation and let it carry me on waves of relaxation and deep body sensations into an incredible night’s sleep. Oof. 

3. This morning/afternoon I went to an ecstatic dance event in the CVNP at the Octagon shelter. I haven’t been since before the pandemic started and gracious, I didn’t even realize how much I missed it. The setlist was such a perfect flow and I was able to move some of that shit through and let it go. Several times I felt tears starting like I hoped would happen, but then they immediately jammed up. Maybe feeling self conscious about crying in front of strangers, I don’t know. My hips and lower back hurt after I really let myself go deep into the dance and I had to slow my ass down even though I felt so close to falling through this blockage. In due time. I’m going to go to the next one in two weeks and break out my hula hoop to use out in the back yard. 

4. I’m fantasizing about dropping everything and becoming a 5rhythms teacher. Just spend the rest of my life dancing. 

5. I put up the new hammock this afternoon and sat in the shade listening to the birds and the breeze, reading It Didn’t Start With You and listening to the new Ben Howard album with my earbuds to help drown out the psychos next door. Although, I will say they didn’t start screaming until I had already gone inside. 

6. The Vermont job that I want is posted again with a new title and slightly tweaked description. My goal is to get my application in by end of day Wednesday. The imposter syndrome is intense this time because I applied already and I have no idea if they hit the pause button on the search because they didn’t like any of the applicants or they really did want to evaluate their staffing needs once the new ED started like they said. What if it’s both things and they were just being polite? Oh well, the only real and true thing I have to go on is the deep in my gut knowing that I will regret it if I don’t try. 

7. I was supposed to do a couple hours of client work again today, but I’m wiped and needed a day that’s just for me to process and release and relax. I also got myself a DQ sundae. The screamers next door are out monopolizing the beautiful evening with their chaos, so I think I’m going to run a bath to soak with some epsom salts and essential oils and then watch a movie. 

8. This week is going to be busy af and I need to wake up and have my poop in a group right away. Wish me luck. No THC at bedtime tonight for sure. 

[alwritey-aphrodite]

Scout!! Congrats on the milestone, my dear!

You know I love a fake dating trope, can i get 14 with you and me 13 with Poe? He truly is every Grandma's dream 😌

AHAHAHAHHA 14 WORKS SO WELL FOR US

“Please, Poe?” You sit at your tiny kitchen table, pleading for your best friend to pretend to be your boyfriend.

“I-just… why?” He sits confused, for once not trying to tease you but instead beyond confused as to what you’re asking him to do.

“Because my grandma loves you! And she’s only here for a few days and I never get to see her and it would make her so happy if she thought we were dating!”

You and Poe had grown up together, best friends since the day you were born. You’d spent your childhood running around the neighborhood, climbing trees and drawing chalk figures along your driveway. Poe’s been by your side for you entire life, even now, years later and miles away from where it all started.

Your grandma, the sweet old woman that she is, had always wanted you and Poe to get together.

“Think of how easy the wedding slideshow would be!” She’d exclaim, flipping through photo albums from when you and Poe were in elementary school. Sure, she was mostly teasing just to see how flustered the two of you would get, but deep down, she thought the two of you would be perfect together.

With her age and the distance, you’re rarely able to spend time with your grandma, so when she does come to visit, you always try your hardest to make it the perfect trip for her.

And this year, that includes getting Poe to pose as your boyfriend for the few days she’s staying with you.

“Alright, alright, fine,” he says, holding his hands up in supplication, “but I’m doing this for your grandma, not you. You owe me big time.”

“Thank you!” You fly from your seat, rushing around the table to crush him in a hug, “You’re a lifesaver, Poe Dameron.”

The two of you get to work on constructing a believable story on how you got together, even bringing his dog Bee over to your apartment to make it more realistic. Your grandma would be staying in a hotel, due to your limited extra space, so Poe and Bee would return back to his place whenever she returned to her hotel room.

You’re amazed at how natural it all feels, pretending to be dating Poe. Really, the two of you act like you always do, but you’re just a bit more touchy, a bit more soft with each other. There’s a tiny little part of your brain that thinks ‘this is nice’ and ‘maybe it could always be like this’. You do your best to ignore that part.

The week goes by smoothly, and soon you’re helping your grandma with her luggage as her ride to the airport waits downstairs.

“The two of you just look so happy together,” she tells you, sitting at the bench by your door to put her shoes on, “I’d always known you’d end up together.”

You’re trying not to look too wistfully at Poe, who’s standing in your living room as Bee runs circles around his feet. You’re hit with a pain in your chest at the realization that your little scheme is coming to an end. You’re going to miss spending that time with him, being that close to him for most of the day.

“If only you’d tell each other how you really feel.” Your attention snaps back to your grandma, who just sends you a wink.

You help her downstairs, and spend the rest of the day thinking about what she said. Maybe, just maybe, you’ll follow her advice.