#i need to really like somebody (aka have a crush on them) to text them to talk

[boycannibal]

he either must really like me or have noone to talk to and be desparate. jesus <- once again someone is texting him and it isnt his crush

[helloalycia]

my happy ending [one] // kara danvers

summary: your crush from work decides to make a move, but she keeps putting off telling you something that you don't realise is actually really important

warning/s: none

author's note: i'm still working on a bunch of stuff but here's some old stuff to tide you over as i do. this is part one to a two-parter! enjoy :)

part two | masterlist

I sketched out some designs at my desk, ideas for some new Instagram and Twitter marketing CatCo we were planning to do. I was in charge of social media marketing at CatCo Worldwide, so things like this were routine at work. What wasn't routine was the cute blonde, Kara, AKA Cat Grant's assistant, approaching my desk with a chirpy smile on her lips.

"Hey, Y/N," she greeted, before setting down a coffee cup in front of me.

I smiled automatically, Kara's presence instantly affecting my mood in a positive way. I glanced at the cup and quirked an eyebrow.

"Hey, Kara. Is this for me?"

She pushed her glasses up the bridge of her nose adorably. "I was picking up Miss Grant's order and I remembered you said you loved the chocolate orange hot chocolates Noonan's do. So, I got you one."

I felt my cheeks heat up. "Oh, wow, er, thank you. You didn't have to do that."

She shrugged, and I was sure she looked as flustered as I felt. "No biggie."

I took a sip of the hot chocolate and smiled at how good it was, but mostly because of who got it me.

"So, what are you doing?" she asked, walking around my desk and sitting at the edge. She glanced at my sketches and added, "Is that the new fashion post for our social media accounts? They look amazing!"

"Just some sketches, but eventually they will be," I said, before nodding. "And thanks. I just need the photos so I know what I'm working with. Gotta ask the new guy, James... you met him yet?"

Kara nodded. "Yeah, I just bumped into him earlier."

"Can you believe he knows Superman?" I asked with disbelief. "How awesome is that?"

She smiled with amusement. "Extremely awesome."

"Keira!"

Kara lost her smile when Miss Grant called for her, before looking to me apologetically. "I should–"

"It's cool," I said, nodding for her to leave before Miss Grant tracked her down. "Thanks again for the drink."

Kara flashed me a smile. "Anytime. See you later."

I watched her walk away, waving as she glanced over her shoulder. I found myself biting my lip to contain my own smile, feeling butterflies in my stomach.

Kara Danvers, assistant to Cat Grant.

Ever since she began working here, I found myself crushing on the blonde and her cute mannerisms. We were friends, occasionally hanging out outside of work and doing things together. But that's all it was, sadly. I knew she was friends with Winn – best friends, I think – and I also knew that the tech guy was practically in love with her. I didn't know him as well as I knew her, but I knew enough to not want to get in between the two of them. So, Kara Danvers remained a silly little crush.

I got back to my sketches, managing to draft up some mock-ups on Photoshop before my day ended. I was more tired than I thought that evening, ending up falling asleep earlier than usual. Which meant that I missed the biggest news in National City yet – a mystery woman saving a plane from crashing, possibly a new superhero.

I woke up the next morning to a million and one calls and texts from colleagues at CatCo, all expecting me to get on social media to post about this mystery woman. By the time I got to work that morning, I was caught up with everything and in awe at this new superhero we had. It was pretty darn awesome!

The amazement I felt however was short lived, as Cat was all over me when I got to the office, claiming I should have been on top of our social media coverage as soon as it happened. Apparently me falling asleep wasn't a valid enough point to miss it, so I was put to work instantly, working with the photography and marketing department to find some sort of coverage on this mystery hero.

As I was lining up some posts with the limited images available of this hero, I felt a presence stop by my desk and saw it was Kara.

"Morning," she greeted, before glancing at my computer. "Oh, so you heard?"

I chuckled. "Kind of hard not to. It's everywhere." I nodded to the many TVs around the office that were playing reruns of the news coverage from last night.

"Pretty cool, right?" she asked, a smile tugging at her lips.

"Very, but it also means I now have a lot of work to do, especially because I fell asleep when all of this went down," I said, jokingly. "Cat has been all over me about this all morning."

Kara laughed and it was literally the best thing I'd heard all day.

"So, I was actually hoping I could tell you something," she said, an excited smile on her face as she met my eyes.

I felt a little flustered under her gaze and found myself distracting myself with my computer screen momentarily.

"I actually have a lot of things to do right now,” I said regretfully. “Maybe later?”

Her smile faded as she nodded. "Right, no, yeah, that's totally fine. Sorry."

"No, no, don't apologise," I said instantly, feeling a little bad. "I just– if I don't get this done, Cat will kill me."

"I got it, you do this, it's cool," she said reassuringly, offering me a small smile.

"Sorry," I tried, a little sad that there was nothing I could do. I really needed to get this done, despite wanting to spend some more time with Kara.

"It's fine, good luck," she said, giving me a grin and thumbs up before leaving.

I sighed, before getting back to work. Unfortunately, it was a few hours before I could get away from my desk, and I managed to track down Kara at her own desk, remembering she wanted to tell me something.

"Hey," I said, earning her attention.

She looked up from her notebook, smiling when she saw me. "Hey, you manage to get that content done?"

"Just about," I said, before offering a small smile. "Sorry again for blowing you off."

She waved her hand dismissively. "It's fine, honestly."

"I'm free now though," I said optimistically. "Maybe we could grab an early lunch? You can talk to me then?"

Kara pushed a strand of hair behind her ear as she nodded slowly. "That sounds nice actually, yeah."

I felt a little relieved when she agreed. "Great. Well, I'll let you get your things and meet you by the elevator?"

She pursed her lips, suppressing a smile. "You got it."

We ended up getting lunch, as agreed, and it was nice to make it up to her. Though, I never really noticed that she never ended up telling me whatever it was that she wanted to tell me. I was so distracted by how smoothly our lunch was going that I forgot to ask her about it. Maybe if I'd asked, she might have told me the truth. Or she might have made something up and lied. I guess I would never know.

–

Did somebody say tiny umbrella drinks? #gottalovethetinyumbrellas #CatCoFoundation [image here]

I sent yet another tweet and picture out from CatCo's Twitter account, watching as it instantly got responses from everyone. I was at an event that Cat was throwing for all CatCo employees plus special guests. It was an event to raise money for Cat's foundation – a charity for children's hospitals in National City. My job was to live-tweet the heck out of the event, hoping to boost donations online.

It was a formal event, so I was comfortably dressed in some high-waisted pants and a silk blouse, it being my best attempt at 'formal' clothes.

The event wasn't too bad. There was free food and drinks, plus I got to hang out with some of my friends from work whilst doing the bare minimum. I just wasn't an evening person, I guess.

"Hey, stranger," a voice startled me, and I turned around, surprised to see Kara Danvers stood there.

I hadn't seen much of Kara in the past few months, despite working with her. She always seemed to be caught up with Winn, and she'd gotten quite close with the not-so-new guy, James Olsen. I wasn't stalking her or anything, but I began to notice when I would try to make plans with her like we used to – little things like grabbing coffee or going to watch a film after work – and she would decline or have plans already. Then I'd see her constantly being surrounded by Winn and James, so I figured she'd just made new friends.

"Kara," I breathed out, smiling as I took in her appearance. "Hey."

I hadn't seen her at all this evening and I was sure she just showed up because I definitely would have noticed how good she looked in that fitted red dress of hers.

"You look really nice," she said, looking me up and down before meeting my eyes.

"Thanks," I said, hoping my cheeks didn't look as warm as they felt. "So do you. You liking the event?"

Kara looked around, nodding. "It's beautiful."

"You did a good job," I said, giving her a knowing smile. "I know you planned it."

"This was all Cat, I just–"

"Kara, everybody knows you plan the events around here," I told her with a chuckle. "It's okay."

She smiled to herself, looking down. "Right." It went quiet for a moment before she looked up and said, "Do you want to dance?"

I was a little taken aback by her confidence, but nonetheless, I found myself nodding. She smiled as she held out her hand. I took it, feeling goosebumps from how soft her hands were.

She led me to the dance-floor, stopping and resting a hand on my waist, the other holding my hand. I nervously rested an arm on her shoulder as I focused on swaying to the music playing rather than stepping on her toes.

"I feel like I haven't seen you in a while," she said after a moment. I looked up and saw her blue eyes staring right through me.

"Well, we've both been busy," I attempted to give a reason.

She shook her head, smiling apologetically. "No, it's not that... it's my fault. I've been hanging out with James and Winn so much lately that I've been neglecting you."

I laughed a little awkwardly. "Kara, it's okay. You don't need to feel bad for having other friends. I mean, you don't have any obligations to me. They're your best friends. Of course you're gonna hang out with them."

She pursed her lips and I admittedly felt nervous as she stared at me, her expression unreadable. She was a little taller than me which didn't help with me trying to keep my emotions in check. She was extremely close to me as we swayed to the music and I could just about focus on it as she continued to stare at me.

"What if I want to have obligations to you?" she asked, and I almost thought she was joking until I realised that she wasn't.

I wanted to understand what she meant, but I didn't get to ask because she leaned forward and closed the gap between us with her lips. I was surprised at her boldness, pinning Kara for the shy type. Nonetheless, I returned the kiss, melting into her embrace and warmth.

We pulled apart soon enough, myself a little flustered from the kiss. My lips were still tingling as she met my eyes, a small smile tugging at her lips.

"I hope that was okay," she muttered.

I nodded slowly, still surprised. "Yeah, it was."

My stomach was doing somersaults as I mirrored her smile; the gala was merely a blur in the background as I realised Kara Danvers had just kissed me. I definitely wouldn't have thought she felt something for me other than friendship.

"I'm assuming you want this to go somewhere," I said, a little stupidly.

She laughed melodiously as she nodded, intertwining her fingers in mine. "That's the plan, yes. But actually, er..."

"Second thoughts already?" I joked, though inside I was genuinely believing she might be second-guessing her decision, judging from her sudden change of facial expression.

"No, no," she said, shaking her head. "It's just, I feel like we should talk first. I have to tell you something. Before this goes any further."

She sounded quite affected by whatever it was, so I nodded, losing my smile for a moment.

"Of course, you can tell me whatever you need to," I reassured her, giving her hand a little squeeze. "Do you want to talk now or after?"

She opened her mouth to reply, but tilted her head to the side as she grew distracted. I waited patiently, expecting her to snap back into reality, but she seemed caught up with something else.

"Kara? You okay?" I asked, growing a little concerned.

"What? Yeah, sorry," she said, shaking her head before meeting my eyes with apologetic ones. "I'm sorry, I have to go for a minute. I just realised I have to check on the desserts for the party."

"Oh, okay." I nodded, giving her a small smile. "You can tell me whatever it is afterwards then?"

She smiled, nodding. "Yeah. I'll be back after, I swear."

I believed her and watched as she let go of my hand, already in a rush to leave. I wondered what was so time-sensitive about desserts, but decided not to question it as I realised the very obvious and surprising fact that Kara liked me.

As she turned to leave, she quickly turned back to me and moved forward, pressing a haste kiss to my cheek. My face heated up as she flashed me a beautiful smile, before moving to leave.

Just danced with the most beautiful girl in the room #CatCoFoundation

I looked up and saw Kara by the door, about to leave, but she stopped when her phone vibrated. After glancing at the screen, she paused and a wide smile graced her lips. Her eyes lifted and she gave me a knowing look before disappearing. I found myself smiling like an idiot the rest of the night.

I guess I should have realised, once again, that Kara never ended up telling me whatever it was that she wanted to tell me. I was so caught up in the fact that she returned my feelings that I never remembered to ask her what it was that she wanted to say. Maybe if I'd remembered, things would have ended up a little differently.

–

Kara and I went on some dates, our relationship blossoming naturally. It was the best thing to happen to me at the time – finding someone who I thought truly understood me, and vice versa. We had inside jokes, an 'our song', a favourite restaurant we frequented; we were happy and it was amazing. I was really falling for her. I thought she was perfect. Nothing could change that, I thought. She was everything I wanted.

"What are you thinking about in that pretty little head of yours?" Kara asked, tilting her head to look at me.

It was moments like this when I was in awe of her beauty, inside and out. She was comfortable, with her hair tied in a loose ponytail and her face makeup-free. Her glasses were balanced on her nose as she stared at me with an easygoing smile and sparkling eyes. I felt a sudden overwhelming flood of love for her as she waited for me to reply.

"I'm in love with you," I blurted out uncontrollably.

She raised her eyebrows slightly, mouth agape as she realised what I said.

"I'm sorry," I said, shaking my head. "That was random. And weird. Too soon, right? I freaked you out. I'm sorry."

Kara blinked several times, straightening up as she shook her head. "No, it's not, it's..." I watched her with anticipation, as she found her words. "It's fine. It's... I feel the same way."

It was my turn to be surprised now. I raised my eyebrows, a smile forming on my lips. "You do?"

Kara pursed her lips, eyes flickering up to meet mine. "Yeah."

I breathed out. "I'm really happy to hear that, especially because I thought I freaked you out, but like, I feel like something is bothering you, Kara."

Resting a hand on hers, I squeezed it gently. She offered me a small, troubled smile and I wondered what was occupying her thoughts.

"I trust you," she said gently. "I do. I love you. And I... I want you to know that I think what we have is amazing. I've never been happier."

"This sounds like a breakup," I joked, chuckling nervously. She wouldn't break up with me right after saying 'I love you', right?

"No, no, it's not!" she reassured immediately, taking any doubt from my mind. She leaned forward and cupped my cheek gently. "I'm not breaking up with you, silly."

"Good to know," I said playfully, resting my hand on hers and moving it to my lips, kissing it softly. "What is it though? What's on your mind? You can tell me anything you know."

She nodded. "I know... I can. I will. Now."

I stayed quiet, watching as she had some inner conflict going on. What was bothering her so much?

"I want to say that I–"

But she was cut off by her phone ringing. She rolled her eyes and I offered her an approving smile as she reached to answer it.

"Alex, hey, what's up?"

I sat back, keeping ahold of Kara's hand as she listened to Alex on the phone.

"Are you sure?" Kara said, concern in her voice.

I wondered what was going on, as the blonde was scrunching her brows together with worry. Her hand slipped from mine as she stood up, pacing.

"Okay, I'll be there now," she finished, before hanging up.

"Hey, that sounded serious, is everything okay?" I asked, standing up, too.

Kara nodded, already in the process of grabbing her things. "Yeah, sorry, it's just some family stuff with Alex. I should get going and help her out." She stopped moving and turned to face me, a distracted frown on her face. "I'm sorry. I know we were supposed to spend the evening together and I wanted to tell you something, but–"

"It's fine, Kara, you can just tell me another time," I cut her off, moving forward and rubbing her arm gently. "I hope everything is okay with Alex. I'll just see you at work tomorrow, yeah?"

Kara smiled tightly, nodding. "You're too understanding. It's annoyingly admirable."

I chuckled, stepping forward and pressing a gentle kiss to her forehead. She had a few inches on me, so I had to step on my tip toes to reach, but seeing the little smile appear on her lips when I did made it worth it.

"Don't get stressed about whatever it is you wanna tell me," I added, meeting her eyes. "I'm sure it'll be fine. I love you and I'm really lucky to have you in my life. I don't think anything will ruin that. Just... remember that, okay?"

Kara nodded, her eyes flickering to the floor. "Thank you, Y/N."

"I'll leave you to it," I said, moving away to grab my coat and put on my shoes. "Good luck with whatever is up, and see you tomorrow."

As I was about to leave, her voice called out, "I love you, too."

I smiled widely at her before leaving, feeling lightweight because of all the love that was bubbling around inside of me. Once again, Kara managed to distract me from the fact that she had something big to tell me, as when I followed up the next day, she assured me that she just wanted me to know that she sometimes moved too fast in relationships and she didn't want me to feel like I was being rushed.

I believed her, blinded by what I thought was my happy ending, and that was that.

[mlbpotter]

Sole Crusher and why I hated it.

Ahh, one of the most prodigious episode for Zoe-fans.

You see, we see Zoe in a car touring Paris as she came from New York. She entered a bakery to get something for her family (A.K.A Audrey) Marinette entered, and slipped on the floor, but Zoe being who she is, clever perfectionist, nimble, quick blah blah blah, whatever the directors want to show us, caught Marinette in a blink of an eye.

In irl, I think if somebody did slip, in front of me, I’d be too shocked to react in seconds. I’d be gaping, mouth open, too shocked to catch anyone.

Ahh, well, Marinette then talked to her a little, learnt how she only had one friend, made some of us feel pity for her (eh, Thomas). So, NOW THE NEXT PART REALLY GETS ME! Marinette didn’t know who this unknown Zoe girl was (could be a thief, murderer, kidnapper idk) yet she gave away her phone number, free pastries, and invited her to HER FRIEND’S CONCERT! OMG you dumass, you don’t just give away these things to unknown people!

Well, still, moving on, zoe went back to the car, and to the bourgeois hotel. She gave away the pastries to the driver saying her family preferred sour from sweet, meaning they were not exactly caring. Just showing what a bad mother Audrey is, Zoe, like Chloe tried to act all snobbish and mean to get her mother’s attention.

To keep it short, Zoe met Chloe and they had a very meaningful conversation. But the thing that bugged me the most was that what Chloe said. 'Your father exists only to do whatever you want, whenever you want.'

Huh? Forgot this, in origins pt.2? This shows that chloe actually loves her father.

Also, Chloe was shown locking Sabrina in a locker, and forcing her to do her homework.

......

So how do u explain this?☝️

Chloe cares about Sabrina. Thomas really ruined Chloe's character her smh, in sole crusher.

Anyways, Chloe took Zoe to the school in a limousine, with Sabrina running behind them!

BrUh, thomas? R u serious? This is a kids show, no? You are supposed to show how to be considerate, not treating ur friend as slaves!

After some more uneccessary chloe-being-cruel moment, Chloe introduces everyone to Zoe.

She says, that Zoe needs a guy to pamper, who is preferably rich....wow, Thomas you already destroyed Adrien's friendship with Chloe, what more do u want?

When Zoe pretended to hate Marinette's macaroons, Sabrina started idiolizing her immediately. SABRINA ALSO NEEDS CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT!!!!!

Obviously, Chloe 'tried' to teach Zoe some mean habits, and Marinette was confused about the way she acted so differently at school.

Being Marinette, she texted Zoe about the the confusion, and obviously blamed Chloe. When Chloe found out that her sister was texting her arch-enemy Marinette, she became furious.

Zoe lied and said that she was planning to humiliate Marinette. One of the worst things about Zoe is that she tries to change her nature just to meet up the needs for others. Chloe only does that to impress her mother.

Zoe went up the blacony, and was met by Andre, Chloe's father, who tried to console her, by telling her his own dream. Ok, listen up, how come Andre is only nice to his step-daughter, in a fatherly way??? And treats Chloe like a spoilt queen?? What kind of a father u r, even though u know that's wrong? Ugh

Anyways, the part where Andre wanted to be a film director was pretty cool. Again, we get some background history about the character. And yes, he listened to Audrey, about being rich, not a film director, blah blah blah, showing again how bad of a wife Audrey is.

Then, we discovered that Zoe wanted to be an actress for no good reason, and yest, admittedly she is pretty good a hiding her emotions and 'acting'.

This is how Andre tried to cheer up Zoe, but obviously made the situation worse, as she only thought about the way Chloe, treated her, and not her mother. So yeah, She only has a grudge against Chloe, again showing how horrible and cruel Chloe could be, right?

Just because Chloe said, 'You either step on other people, or I step on you!' This is so out-of-character for, Chloe. She would never say that, I reckon this much.

And there we go, Zoe reluctantly wears the diamond shoes, and becomes akumatized by shadow moth.

So, her power was touching other people with her shoes, and she became bigger.

Sole crusher, found Chloe in her room taking selfies of herself, to shoe how vain she was and how much she admired herself. Ummm..when did Chloe have an obsession with taking her photos? Except maybe in the episode where Marc was akumatized.

Chloe caught a glimpse of Sole Crusher, on her mobile's photo.

She said, 'How come you are using my image without my authorization?' Old Chloe loved to be idolized, so out-of-character.

So, when Chole discovered that it was Zoe, she began running like she was in a marathon, which was again out of character, as she wouldn't run, it'd be too much of work for her.

I think the running was just to show how bad of a character Chloe was, as she pushed Marinette's parents and Marinette herself towards Zoe, to show how cruel, evil and selfish she really is.

Another thing, I think that the kwamis shouldn't be allowed outside the box very long, as someone might catch them, like Chloe almost did.

So, the reason Sole crusher didn't step on Marinette, was because Marinette is the main character of the show, and she just can't be in a dangerous situation (Thomas logic). It'd made a great plot if Marinette was crushed by sole crusher. It would keep the viewers on their toes.

Eh, well, To make look Chloe worse, they made her run further, and order Zoe to literally step on the 'losers'. AKA rest of Marinette's classmates. (Do students really meet each other like this irl?)

So Marinette discovered that Zoe was Sole crusher, and gave some advice.

Marinette: That's not true, you don't need to crush on anyone. The 'winner' and 'loser' thing doesn't exist. It's just people, each one with your differences and unique features. (after Chat Noir interrupted) Zoe, no one will judge you here. You can be yourself! You can trip, you can fall, there's always going to be someone to help you stand up. I will always support you!

Shadow moth manipulated Zoe again, So Chat Noir tripped sole crusher giving Marinette the chance to run away and transform in a place that no one can see (totally). Since Tikki followed Marinette, and Kaalki alerted Adrien about the akuma, they both were able to transform.

Since I am no good at writing battle scenes, I'll tell the main points. Ladybug used her lucky charm, and got a shoe horn. So basically, Chat Noir and ladybug both destroyed the heels of Zoe's shoes, but the akuma didn't come out. Chloe insulted sole crusher, and got crushed.

Chloe : Look at how you're treating ur very expensive shoes! Go back to wearing you hideous and plain sneakers.

So ladybug figured out that the Akuma must be in those sneakers Chloe mentioned.

So the team tried to find out those sneakers in Chloe's house. Ladybug saw Sabrina in the closet, yet asked her about the sneakers, and ignored her. Wow, shoe some empathy ladybug, or even Chat Noir!

They saw Andre, and he told them where the Akuma went. So basically Andre showed them the box, and was so scared of Audrey, that her had hid those directories a secret from her. Since that box was not opening, ladybug used her shoehorn to open that box thingy. Long story short, ladybug repaired everything, and gave Zoe the lucky charm, and left.

Skip to the noon, where Zoe went to the concert she was invited in, and Chloe still believed Zoe's lame story about humiliating Marinette, and was super pissed off when Zoe ate the macaroons.

So yeah, Zoe apologized about her akumatizatidon, and told her 'tragic' backstory. She didn't want to disappoint her family's expectation, so she pretended to be mean.

In her boarding school, she was being bullied, and pretended to be someone she was not.

And since er...the miraculous fandom characters are so 'different' and tried to be nice to her, which was pretty cool of them....

Chloe demanded that Zoe leave for New York, but Andre was pretty cool about it, and made a lame yet nice excuse for her, to be enrolled in anther boarding school. So she had a different room. Obviously, the creators showed how err..awesome Zoe is as she said to Andre, 'Promise me that you are not going to give up on your dreams for too long.' But Andre's dream was very irrelevant, as nothing of that sort was mentioned after that.

Zoe's new found friends helped her become a better person, and there were some ending pics of her.

Zoe's message to Marinette was pretty cheesy ngl. But if only Zoe was introduced as a character who didn't out smart her sister, I would honestly love her so much!

(If my dumb shit post doesn't get famous, I will quit. I literally worked so hard for this post, and also had to rewrite it multiple times)

[hopelessromanticvirgo]

Ground Control To Us

Sobbe social media au 7.10

Chapter 7.9

18.10.2020

Robbe is late.

He is two minutes late and no matter how much that fact worries Sander, he doesn't want to make it like it's a big deal, even if it really is for him. He can definitely wait but the thought of him not showing up makes his head spin and he can't stand still. He keeps nervously shifting on his legs and looking around, wanting and waiting to catch a glimpse of Robbe's brown hair somewhere but he's not here.

Not only the weather is too hot to even breath in, the excitement and the nervousness is making him more sweaty, he keeps brushing his palms down on his jeans.

He's not proud but he changed into eight different outfits this morning, thinking nothing was good enough but when Senne got tired of saying "it looks fine. The other one looked fine too" all the time, he literally dragged and kicked him out of the apartment so he couldn't change his clothes anymore. He texted Robbe when he left the home and he wanted to text him again to let him know that he's already here but he didn't get a reply before and now he doesn't want to seem that desperate, even if he's the definition of desperation.

Sander can't think positive and is sure that Robbe changed his mind. He knew this would happen but he was hoping that one time in his life, everything would go as he planned then out but of course, the world had a very different intention.

It's been four minutes, he's definitely not coming now.

Sander doesn't want to fell that bad since he predicted it would happen but he can't help it. He feels all his hopes and dreams are crushing down and he can't do anything but to watch it unfold.

He feels extremely uncomfortable but he decide not to give up yet, so he stays, but doesn't knows for how long. 

But it doesn't really matter, since he will always stay, if there is a chance for him and Robbe to work, he's not walking away. 

Meanwhile, Sander doesn't know that Robbe has been there for more than an hour already. He couldn't stay at home, too nervous, couldn't stop pacing in his room. 

He has been staring at his watch, cursing how slow the time was going and also cursing it for going faster than he liked, he needed more time to get ready to see him, but he knew, all the time in this world, wouldn't be enough for him.

He still felt like this whole thing was a joke, somebody else pranking him, or even Sander, messing with him and using his vulnerability against him and no matter how much he didn't want to believe that, it was a possibility, he really didn't know this person as much as he thought he did. 

Maybe he was going to stood him up, watch him wait for Sander to show up for hours but a little part of him was still judging his way of thinking and wondering if Sander'd really come so he stayed. 

But all this thoughts and doubts were cleared when he saw him, walking towards the address he sent to Robbe. 

The brunet's mind shut down. It wasn't the first time he was seeing him in real life but now everything was too real. 

He came here for Robbe and that thought alone was so crazy, Robbe felt he was losing his mind. 

He was here and he was breathtaking. Robbe has no idea how he will be able to talk normally to him, without fainting or passing out. 

Robbe fortunately was sitting down closer to their destination but he was almost impossible to notice from the other side of the street since a building was keeping him from being seen. 

But he could see clearly, how Sander turned around and started look for him with his eyes, leaning against the wall with his phone in his hands. 

Robbe feels and hears his heart beating against his chest and that's the moment when he realizes that he can't do it, can't meet him.He already saw and made sure that all of this, everything they were doing, was real, now he didn't have to show up, did he?

He's sure, Sander would understand but sitting here, so close to him, watching like a stalker, seeing how worried he got and how he was looking at each person that passed by, Robbe felt extremely guilty. 

He was finally here and Robbe was doing everything to not see him personally. Wasn't this his dream? Wasn't this everything he always wanted? 

He knew he should have gotten up and walked up to him but he couldn't, so he stayed glued to that one place like a nail into a wall. 

And he waited. And watched.

The time passed, and Sander waited as well. 

But after almost 40 minutes, he gave up and looked around one more time, looking quite upset and disappointed and started walking away. 

Fire alarmed started going off in Robbe's head and before he even knew what he was doing, he was already running after him, forgetting about everything else. 

Maybe it was him, running for the chance the universe gave him and taking it. Or maybe it was him, running after Sander because he couldn't bear the thought that he made him upset and hurt him.

Maybe it was him, running because he was in love.

Whatever the reason was, it didn't matter. 

What did matter was that Robbe had some kind of power inside him and he used all of them to call out Sander's name when he was five or six feet away from him, which made the other boy stop and turn around slowly, as if he wasn't believing his ears.

And Robbe doesn't believe his ears as well.

"H-hi." He breathed out, standing so close to him now that he could see his face so clearly, see the right shade of his skin and the color of his eyes. He had to look up a little bit since he was taller than Robbe but he was here, right in front of him, looking beautiful than ever, looking more perfect than anything Robbe could imagine and he has never felt happier and more insecure than right at this moment.

"Hi." Sander answered back and Robbe felt naked under his gaze, the way he looked him up and down felt so personal and special. 

Robbe didn't know how he was still managing to stand and not collapse from his emotions. It must be the adrenaline rush.

"I'm sorry. I - " He couldn't just stay silent now, he had to say that he didn't think of leaving Sander and not showing up.

"It's alright. You don't have to explain. I thought you wouldn't come." God, his voice. Robbe got quite used to hearing his voice but hearing it now was doing things to him, making him feel weak in his legs.

"No. I was here but I couldn't find the courage to come up to you but then I saw you leaving and I couldn't let you just walk away now and I - " he stopped and finally looked up to his face. Sander was already looking at him, has never looked away from his eyes. 

"Fuck." Robbe whispered. He definitely didn't know what to say or think or do. He just turned into a stone, very emotional stone who couldn't figure out what to do to help himself relive some of the feelings he had.

"Can I hug you?" He let it slip from his mouth and watched how Sander's whole face lit up and decide that if this was the last thing he'd see, he'd gladly take the chance and never look back.

Sander took a step closer to him and put his arms around him so tightly and put him so close to his chest that Robbe could smell which type of shampoo he used and he started shaking. At first, he was numb, now somehow he forgot how to move his body muscles but then when he felt the boy put his head down on his shoulder, it just hit him, what was going on and where he was and he wrapped his arms around him quickly, his fingers clutching his shirt, trying to pull him closer and closer, breathing him in and out, afraid that he'd disappear any second now and Robbe would do anything than let him go out of his grasp.

He doesn't know how long they stayed like this but Robbe definitely wasn't complaining, he was ready to even die in this moment, when he finally got everything he ever wanted. 

He felt Sander pulling away but didn't let him, pulled him ever closer if that was even possible, which made the older boy giggle and after a while, Robbe felt his fingers slip in his hair and he closed his eyes. 

Is this what heaven felt like, since Robbe is sure, he has never felt anything like this before in his life. He felt his eyes getting wet even under his eyelids and tried to control his body and calm his self down as much as it was physically possible. 

When Robbe finally decided that they have been stuck in this position too long and no matter how much he didn't want to, he pulled away and looked at him and smiled, showing off his dimples and whispered "hi." 

Sander smiled too and shook his head a little bit, put his head down and said "hi" back after he looked up to him. 

Robbe couldn't calm down his heart beating for the rest of the day. 

29.10.2020

"They keep getting on my nerves but I've already decided. I'm continuing my art education and if they want my music career, they just have to deal with it. I'm an adult and I think I have a choice about what I want to do or not." 

They were sitting in a cafe. Cafe Sander chose and always goes to since it's more private place and not everybody can get in. They have already been here last time and now when the person at the front door told him that he already wrote Robbe's name down as another guest, aka, somebody who could just come in whenever he wanted, Robbe felt his blood got cold in his whole body in a very good way. He's getting used to it and Sander is pretty much, very helping since they have almost been seeing each other every other day, sometimes even for an hour and sometimes for the whole day. 

Sometimes Robbe would forget who he was talking to, it felt like a normal person and then it would hit him and he'd start getting nervous all over again. Sander noticed that a while ago and told him to loosen up, and Robbe is trying so hard to do so. 

"What about the albums and concerts?" The environment around them was so nice and calm, they were sitting by a small table near the window, they ordered coffee and brownies and Sander even remembered when Robbe said that he'd give up sweet coffee for him and even dared to tease him about it when the waiter came and Robbe blushed so hard that he's sure everyone there could see it, but in the end, he ordered his usual order, which made Sander smirk and Robbe changed the subject as fast as possible. 

He was listening so closely to everything he had to say, every story he told him and Sander was sharing so much with him, so openly, Robbe felt pretty special.

 Sander was doing more talking and Robbe was grateful for that, he was more interested in finding out everything sander would say to him than telling him his boring life story and no matter how much Sander tried to get him to open up, he just didn't want to, not because he didn't want to share stuff with him, quite the opposite actually, he just wanted to know more about him so they did just that. 

Robbe could see his phone lit up every second. He was suppose to meet with the guys and he felt very guilty about how much he was blowing them off to see Sander but could anyone blame him?

 "I will still continue it, just also study art you know?" He looked so passionate while talking about his art that Robbe couldn't fight off a smile on his face. 

"I think that's the best plan. You get to do what you want and everyone is happy."

Sander was looking at him with something in his eyes, Robbe couldn't explain. That gaze got stronger and stronger after their each meeting up, Robbe felt exposed and appreciated. He never wanted to make that feeling go away.

"Oh, not everybody is happy about it." That made Robbe's dumb smile freeze.

 "Are your parents still giving you hard time about it?" He chose his words carefully, didn't want to put his nose in Sander's private life more than he already has but the boy didn't seem to mind at all. 

"They are but they will get over it. Eventually." The worry was still presented on Robbe's face but when he said "at least you're happy" and saw how Sander smiled at that, he was sure, he'd never get over this boy.

This person would be the death of him and Robbe is more than ready to sign the deal with the devil. 

"Oh, I'm very happy." He gave him one of his cheesiest grin and took a sip from his coffee, and Robbe had to look away, this sight in front of him was too much to handle for his poor and fragile heart. 

He had it very, very bad but wouldn't change a thing. He smiled again, dumbfounded. 

Looked at Sander from the corner of his eyes, pretending to look out of the window, who was already staring at him.

He was always staring which made Robbe shudder under his gaze. 

That lovely, longing gaze that Robbe can't seem to run away from, not that he wants to. 

"I'm happy that you're happy." 

And he really was. Robbe was extremely happy, so happy that he felt like he'd explode. 

He tried to hide his smile by swallowing his lips but wasn't able to. 

Nothing could stop him from smiling and it was obvious. 

04.11.2020

This is a date. Or at least Sander wants it to be a date.

The thing is that he desperately wants this day to go and work out since he spent a lot of time on it.

When he first told Senne that he needed to take his car, the boy slammed his room's door right in front of his face. Sander counted that as a success. Then he mentioned it again at the dinner and when Senne realized that he was really serious, he started hysterical laughing and couldn't stop for a few minutes.

Sander has tried learning how to drive in the past.

Tried but failed.

Then he tried again, and also failed and realized, the car just wasn't for him. But after he saw what was on the theaters and also sent Robbe the name of the film and he said that he has been waiting for this movie to come out for some time now, it was already decided, Sander would try it again one more time.

Senne didn't agree with him and he didn't have time to take private driving lessons so after he literally begged and kneeled for him, his friend finally gave in. But when he found out that he had to learn how to drive properly in less than a week, he threw him out of the car. 

They tried it next day as well. And Sander was so bad, Senne tried to put it nicely but after a while, he couldn't hold his emotions in so he started straight up roasting and yelling at him, not only Sander was terrible, he was also messing up Senne's car and his friend was more worried about his vehicle than his date. All Sander could hear this days was "No. Stop, not like that. You're not supposed to push it like that. Fuck. Slow down. Now push it. Change it. It's not your side of the road. Turn around. You're not suppose to go there. Can't you at least start the car without my instructions? Just push the button, it's easy. Get out. Get the fuck out. I'm gonna kill my self. Now, slow and steady. You have to turn it all the way around. Fuck, don't hit the sidewalk. Careful. Open it. Look in the mirrors, they aren't there for aesthetic. Stop gripping it like that. Look out. Press the brake. Stop the damn car. Get out, don't let me see you for the rest of the day." And all over again the each day until they were suppose to meet.

Sander can't blame Senne, no matter how much he complained, he did his best and Sander is more than grateful. But he knows, he will mess up one way or another and he's already getting ready for the embarrassment.

Senne tried everything to get him to change his mind about taking his car but in the end, he hesitantly gave him the keys and made him promise that if he broke or scratched his car, he'd buy a new one for him. Sander took it from him with shaky fingers. It was the first time he'd have to drive alone and it was also first time he'd have to take Robbe to drive-in movie theaters and not only he still doesn't know how to park the car properly and the whole point of drive-ins are to park the car at the right place and he was also meeting up with Robbe and he couldn't just not drive there. 

He made Senne call him and was on a speaker just to be an emotional support for him until he'd get to Robbe's home and he almost hit the car in front of him while he was stopping but he stayed quiet so Senne wouldn't jump from his phone. And when he saw Robbe coming on his way, he hang up. 

It would be a very long night. It was already dark out and that was making the situation ten times harder for Sander but it was too late to back out now. 

Robbe opened the passenger door and sat down beside him, after they said their greetings and Sander was getting emotionally ready to start the car, he noticed Robbe's gaze on his face, mischief in his eyes and asked "what?"

 "Nothing." He answered but didn't look away. Not that Sander didn't like when Robbe was looking at him but he felt pressured while somebody was looking at him work and now, when he was extremely nervous, he couldn't just drive with him watching his every move.

"Something is up, just say it." He looked right at him now, turned his head.

Robbe giggled and stayed silent which made Sander more worried, was something on his face, he started wondering.

"Say it." His panicked voice made Robbe laugh and he finally started talking.

"It's just - I thought you didn't know how to drive." And at that, Sander's eyes went wide and he started nervously cough-laughing. 

"Yeah I - " he scratched the back of his neck and looked away. 

"I learnt it - a while a-ago. So don't judge me that harshly please." He felt his face started burning. 

"As if I'd dare and judge you." He isn't sure if Robbe's teasing manner is making him more nervous or more excited, probably both.

"O-okay." He breathed out and started the car. He was about to push the gas when he felt a hand on his shoulder and looked at Robbe smiling at him warmly, and gave him a reasonable nod. 

"Don't worry, okay? You don't have to impress me or anything. You don't need to, I'm sure you must already know. You're breathing and I'm already impressed."

How can he calmly drive after hearing this and not crash into something? 

"You're too pure for this world." He whispered and turned away, now starting the car for real and he saw how big Robbe's smile was from the corner of his eyes and how his dimples were almost pull up at his eyes and smiled himself. 

And in the end, the day went better than he imagined. He needed 9 minutes to park his car right at their place, he almost hit two cars and definitely went on a sidewalk when he dropped Robbe off and that boy couldn't stop giggling all night which made Sander so happy, he forgot about anything. 

Of course he didn't pay any attention to the movie, how could he when Robbe was sitting here, so beautiful, filled with happiness and he couldn't stop staring at him, he's sure Robbe noticed but didn't say anything else. He was somewhat interested in the movie and was making comments about it which Sander would answer with a little hum or "yeah."

One time Robbe looked at him and whispered "what?" His cheeks red all night long.

"Nothing. You're just very pretty."

12.11.2020

"You knew?"  

"I'm not as dumb as you think." Robbe laughed and looked at him. 

They were playing some kind of 20 questions game, asking each other questions they wanted to know the answer to. They were sitting on a grass, at some old abandon park where not a lot of people went and Robbe just asked him if he made the mural and to say that Sander was shocked, was an understatement.

"Did you know it from the beginning? You told me about somebody else who you thought made it, did you lie to me?"

"No. I had a doubt but obviously it was too crazy thought to even consider." And how the tables have turned now. 

The boys haven't seen each other that often past week since Sander was getting ready for his concert and had rehearses every day. 

He didn't want to admit how much he missed spending time with Robbe but now, that they were finally reunited, he felt amazing, calm. They still called each other, every night, falling asleep with listening to each other's voices and Sander realized, he was getting too attached. When he couldn't wait until it would get dark for him to call Robbe, or he'd desperately look in his calendar to see when they were suppose to meet, he knew he was too far gone for his boy and never wanted to go back to the time when he didn't know him. It also felt so insane, how they weren't like this in the past, how there was a time when Sander had no idea who this precious boy was. 

How there were probably universes where he still didn't know Robbe, and how glad he was that he was living in this one.

"Well, I guess, surprise?" Robbe laughed again and pushed him off playfully then he got serious and asked "why did you do it?"

Sander looked at him with a confused face and shrugged his shoulders.

"It's it obvious? I liked you, and I still do."

Robbe stayed silent for a few minutes, playing with his fingers, deep in thoughts.

"Can I ask you another question?" 

"Isn't it my turn?" Sander smirked at him and faced the blue, unclouded sky.

"You can ask two questions later."

"Sure. What do you want to know?"

"Did you see me that day at the skate park?" Sander stopped breathing for a few seconds, his mind going wild, racing.

He thought of pretending he didn't know what he was talking about but in the end, remembered that he made a promise that he'd only tell the truth to Robbe now so he nodded his head which made Robbe ask another question.

"Did you know what I looked like then? Did you know it was me?"

To which, Sander nodded again, guilty.

"Does it makes you feel weird?" He asked, afraid that Robbe would get mad at him or just walk away.

"Honestly, it makes me feel important." He confessed after a while and looked at Sander in the eyes. 

"But you are, Robbe. You're very important.

"They stayed there and continued talking until late at night, then Sander walked Robbe back to his place, and hugged him goodbye. 

It was a very peaceful day.

20.11.2020

"Get ready to be mind-blown" That's what Sander told him right before he walked up on the stage and Robbe is sure, he meant every word and he wasn't ready at all.

Sander told him that he could take his friends with him if he wanted but Robbe politely refused, saying that his friends didn't know about them, whatever they were, probably friends hoping to be more, but in reality, he didn't want anybody else to have Sander's name on the vip access ticket, hanging on their necks. He felt he was acting possessive, which he was but didn't want to admit it.

He also didn't know what to expect, Sander told him that he wished he wouldn't get lonely waiting for him or bored and Robbe almost had a fight with him that he even dared to say that Robbe would get bored, as if it wasn't like he was planning and wanting to be on Sander's concert almost his whole life. 

Sander took him with him and just because he had to be there earlier than the concert would start, which was 8 pm, Robbe was also there, having his first and best experience in his life. Sander has sung to him a few times, so it wasn't like he'd hear him sing in real life for the first time but he was so excited, his whole body was shaking from the happiness. 

He has already met Senne a few times before so when Sander was checking his sounds, Senne was hanging out with him, he was so fun to be around and Robbe could clearly see why those two were best friends. 

Then the concert started and he realized that he indeed wasn't an only person on Sander's vip list. Obviously, there were his parents, which he knew from the pictures but seeing them now, it was really obvious Sander was their son. He looked so much like them, that Robbe was so close to actually going up and saying thank you to them for creating their kid. He laughed at the thought, Sander would love it if he really did that. 

Another thing which annoyed him was how, other than people he didn't know, who had Sander's vip necklace, there was also Britt, walking around with her two friends, he knew from the Instagram, with his name on her neck. 

Robbe has never seen her up close and damn, she was very gorgeous. She had a very tight silver dress on which was going down to her knees, her shoulders visible and her blonde hair, straighten. 

All this time, he has never even once thought of Britt, not after their last encounter on the social media and all of a sudden, everything he knew about their relationship came rushing to the surface of his brain.

He already knew that they were good friends but couldn't help but feel upset about her being here, like he was. 

It made him feel ordinary, and no matter how much he knew he was just an ordinary boy, Sander always tries to make him feel special, and seeing her now made him realized that he still didn't get any different treatment and this selfish thought killed him in the heart. 

He remembered every photo or video they have ever posted when they were dating, or every rumor he has ever heard, one was even so crazy that the publicity thought they broke up because Britt was pregnant and having a kid at a such young age would ruin Sander's career. Obviously, Robbe hasn't believe them but for everybody to think that, meant they were pretty close. 

Why wouldn't they? When you're dating somebody for that long, as Sander would say, you have to go all the way or no way. 

Robbe couldn't help but feel somebody clutching his heart and making him breath uneasily. He doesn't have any right to be jealous, but looking at her here, jumping up and down while listening to his ex's concert, was making him think not so many good things. 

Robbe tried getting his mind off of that and he succeed, he stood as close to the stage to watch him and he had an amazing time.

Seeing Sander there, on the stage and watching how familiar this was for him, and how he looked like he was born for this, made Robbe realize why his manager was fighting so hard for Sander to only continue and focus on his music career. 

This, singing and being on the stage, was Sander's, and everybody could see that. 

Robbe didn't miss the way he kept looking back at him and made sure if he was watching, and of course Robbe was watching his every move, listening to his every note, knowing all the lyrics to each of his songs but staying quiet, just listening to him sing.

He had to admit, Sander and Senne were a good due, and they, with the help of a few people put out a fire and the audience went crazy. 

And Robbe felt on a cloud infinite. 

At the very end, Sander sang his latest and recent song, the song Robbe didn't know about and kept looking at him, as if he was singing this for him and Robbe blushed so hard and he was so relieved that nobody here, other than the boys on the stage, knew who he was and who he was to Sander. 

But even Robbe, himself didn't know who he really was to Sander.

And when they finished their concert with the song Sander wrote for Robbe, using his own messages as lyrics, Robbe really was sure that he'd drop dead on the hard floor.

Is this really a real life, he wondered, or is this a dream, a fantasy?

He will never, ever get over this, he will never get over how every few minutes, Sander would look back at him and smiled, or even winked.

Would this always be like this? He'd give up everything he ever owned and so much more for this to be always like this. 

The people's screaming was making him deaf but he couldn't really blame them, he's silent only because he's with Sander's friends and family. He had no idea if any of them knew who he was but when Sander's mom walked up to him and asked him if he was Robbe, then he guessed that Sander must have said something about him with them.

"I am." He smiled, showed of his teeth and dimples, and got a warming smile in return too.

"It's a pleasure. I've heard a lot of great things about you."

What things? He wanted to ask and knew but couldn't dare. 

Somebody called her name and she turned around and said "I'll be there in a moment." Then looked at Robbe one more time, put her hand on his arm. 

"You really make my son happy, thank you for that. I got to go now but I hope we will meet each other soon again." And left him after giving him another smile which made it clear, from whom Sander got his own.

He didn't know which fact was the crazier, the fact that Sander told his parents about him, or the fact that his mom literally just gave them her blessing without even saying that word. 

Sander's mom thanked him, she liked him and welcomed him in her family, or that's what it seemed like. 

He didn't have a lot of time to think about that since the concert was over and the boys were walking out of the stage. Even if he was standing the closest to the stage, somebody behind him run up and went in front of him, he saw that it was Britt and as soon as Sander walked out, she jumped on him and wrapped her arms around him so tightly that Sander had to put his palm on a wall next to him so he wouldn't fall off and then he laughed and put his arms around her as well. 

Robbe didn't want to think about that but the only thought in his head was that Sander hugged her exactly the way he hugged him.

Maybe he hugs everybody like that. 

He saw how Sander whispered something in her ear that made her crack up and throw her head back. 

After they pulled away, they exchanged some words and then Senne walked out and she went up to him instead, probably just to congratulate him and tell him what a great show they pulled.

People went up to Sander and after a few minutes of him, hugging everybody else and having a small talk with them, he finally saw Robbe standing there and walked up to him.

He was sweaty and out of breath, but still managed to win Robbe's heart over again with his smile.

"Hey stranger." He said and winked at him, which automatically made Robbe smiled, no matter how upset he was to see him with Britt just a moment ago.

"Hey. You were amazing out there." He didn't say all the compliments he wanted to, Sander didn't deserve him after that hug, Robbe was acting jealous for no reason but in his mind, it wasn't wrong to act this way at all.

Obvious to Robbe's discomfort and sadness, he thanked him and took his hand, started walking away and dragged him with him. 

Sander was really amazing on the stage, and this night was something Robbe will never forget. 

It was perfect.

He was perfect. And Robbe still can't believe he was able to see all that unfold in real life with his own two eyes.

Sander apparently dragged him back to the backstage 'getting ready' area. And pushed him inside, closed the door. 

The whole room screamed 'Sander' and Robbe thought that this must be his own, private place.

Robbe was looking around the room when he saw how Sander took off his shirt from the corner of his eyes and made his self turn around properly so he wouldn't have to look at him no matter how much he wanted to. Instead he looked at the guitars and clothes around the room and a very big mirror, and some stuff Sander had in here. 

His mind was his biggest enemy and he realized it when the thought of Sander, dragging Britt back to here after his concert to fuck her was filling and clouding his head.

Why is he doing this to his self?

His mood kept dropping down on the floor as more time passed, and it wasn't fair since he was the happiest he has ever been just a few moments ago. 

Had they made out of the couch before?                                                          Had they kissed against the door?                                                                    Had they locked up in here for hours after the concert and only left after the midnight?

He tried shutting down his thoughts but they keep rushing and rushing in. 

Then he felt the boy stood next to him. 

Robbe doesn't know if he had seen his face and realized it, or if he was a mind reader but Sander made him turn around, looked at him. 

"I have never taken anyone in here in the past, you're the first and only one."

Before Robbe had a chance to answer, he put his arm in front of him and took off his bracelet.

Robbe knew and recognized that bracelet, Sander had talked about it in his videos and knew how much it meant for Sander and he knew what he was going to say about it before he even did it. 

"This is my lucky bracelet. I always put it on, on my concerts and take them off after it."

Robbe didn't know why he was telling him all this and in here.

Sander probably saw his confusion face and decide to continue. 

He took Robbe's palm in his hand and put the bracelet in it. Robbe looked down at it, couldn't believe what he thought was happening.

"I want to give it to you, if you will take it." And he looked at him dead in the eyes, and Robbe has never seen him that serious before, not even when he was talking about his illness, and that made his eyes wide.

"W-what? But, Sander. This is your lucky bracelet, I know you don't ever sing on concerts without it and it must mean so much for you, how can you even - " 

"I don't need any luck anymore. I have you, don't I?" 

Of course, he had Robbe.

He had Robbe even before he knew who he was.

He had Robbe right after Robbe heard his voice for the first time in his life.

You do, he wanted do say, I'm yours, take me, have me however you want, he wanted to add.

But decided to stay silent, only asking "are you sure?" after a while.

"I'm sure. I mean - do you not like it?" The worry lines between his forehead was making him seem so adorable, Robbe only wanted to kiss them all over. 

"Are you kidding me? How do you even dare to ask me that? Of course I like it, I love it. This means so much for me and I - " Sander shut him up by putting his index finger on his lips and Robbe looked up at him.

"Stop thanking me. First it was constantly saying sorry all the time, now this." He smiled and put the bracelet on his arm. Robbe looked down at it on his wrist and also at the hand which was still holding his arm. 

"But what about your lucky charm?" He asked.

Sander smiled at him and came closer which made Robbe's heart beat so fast that it was ready to jump out of his skin.

He put his face so close to him that Robbe closed his eyes and felt his lips on his cheek seconds after.

Sander pulled away but didn't let go of his hand.

Robbe opened his eyes and saw him, looking down at their fingers, which were still holding each other.

"I don't need any lucky charm. I have you, that's more than enough. Now, come." And pulled blushing and smiling Robbe out of the room.

03.12.2020

When Sander told Robbe that he wasn't alone, coming to meet up with him, Robbe got a little worried. 

Sander also added "I had no choice" on his previous text message and didn't reply to him after that. 

But Robbe found out what he meant by that soon when he saw Sander coming up to him while holding a little kid's hand in his left hand and a little bag in his right.

When they stopped in front of Robbe, the boy kneeled down. 

"Hey, little buddy. What's your name?" The kid looked up at Sander, silently asking if it was to say and after Sander nodded slowly, smiling down at him, the kid said.

"I'm Theodore."

"Well, hi, Theodore. I'm Robbe. It's nice to meet you." 

"I just have to take care of him for like an hour and then we can meet up with his mom, okay? I'm so sorry, she didn't have anybody to leave him with and I wanted to help her - "

"Sander, you don't have to explain. It's okay. I'm so happy I got to meet the person who makes you lose your mind and wants to jump from the building." He smiled and got up on his feet.

"Theo will be a good kid today, won't he?" Sander asked playfully and whispered "he's in a good mood" to Robbe and they started walking.

Robbe couldn't help but stare at them. Sander was so close to that little boy, like they were in a little bubble together. 

Robbe and Sander were talking but at the same time, Theo was asking him questions, like "what's this?" And Sander would answer automatically. 

"Are we going to see mommy?" Theo asked.

"Yes we are. She will meet us soon."

"Soon?"

"Uh-Huh. So after that, he took her back to his place and they had the biggest fight, imagine how horrible it must have been that the neighbors called the police because of the noises and breaking objects and - " Sander was telling him about Theo's mom and her boyfriend at the same time.

"Look, what a cute dog."

"Yeah, it's very cute. Look, how he's playing with his friend?" And continued talking to Robbe and switching the personalities like it wasn't a big deal at all "sometimes he checks up on him, but he just don't really care, you know? It's so sad since she really loved him but - "

"Sander, wait. I have something - " They stopped and Sander looked down at whatever Theo was telling him.

"What is it? Show me." Theo had his finger in his hand and was looking at it closely, pulling in his eyebrows. Sander took his finger and examined it.

Robbe almost melted at the sight in front of him, it was so cute to see how vulnerable and sweet and caring Sander was with that kid.

"It's nothing. There's nothing there." He took his hand again and continued walking.

"I want to go to the park."

"Let's ask your mom when we see her."

"Ask mom?"

"Yep."

"And then go?"

"Yeah."

"Go to the park?"

"Yeah."

"Will Robbe come too?" The boy and looked up at him and asked which made Robbe so happy.

"I don't know, ask him." Sander told him.

Theo asked him directly now, which made Robbe nod his head and smile.

They meet up with her mom after an hour or so and she thanked him so much and apologized of keeping Sander busy while he was on a date when he saw Robbe with him. 

Sander said that it was more than alright, didn't correct her about the date thing, kissed and hugged Theo and they left together. 

Theo started crying when they were going away but Sander promised him that he's see him later and calmed him down.

Robbe had the biggest smile while watching that. 

Theo also said a goodbye to Robbe and blowed him a kiss, which made the brunet's heart filled with adoration and love.

"He must really love you." Robbe said after they weren't visible anymore.

"I think I'm the closest he has to a father." He put his body closer to Robbe, their arms were touching while they were walking together which was sending electricity in Robbe's body.

"No, I think you're more like his best friend." Robbe looked down at their arms and when he was about to pull away a little bit, afraid that he was make Sander uncomfortable, the boy entwined their fingers together. And Robbe got goosebumps all over his skin.

"Yeah, that too. Believe it or not, he's also my best friend in some kind of way." He got even closer to him and looked at him, his face was only ten centimeters away. 

"Ohh, does Senne has a competition?" Robbe teased and Sander laughed at that.

"Oh, I'm sure Theo would beat him the title of my best friend."

"I'm sure he would." 

14.12.2020

Robbe doesn't know how they got in this situation and position.

They are sitting on the bench, well, Robbe is sitting and Sander is laying down with his head on Robbe's legs, his eyes closed, one of his legs bent and the other straight in front of him.

"Your knees are shaking. Sander told him as a matter of fact and Robbe's ears got hot after hearing. 

"I know." He mumbled. 

"Give me your hand." Sander looked up at him and it didn't felt fair, how Robbe had nowhere to run from his gaze and was obligated to look down at his beautiful green eyes. 

"Why?" 

"Because I want to hold it." And he took it in his hand, started playing with his fingers.

Robbe had to admit, they have been getting closer and closer this past few weeks, fast few months actually, to the point where Sander holding his hand, or sitting this close to him, or even putting his arm around his shoulder was and felt normal. 

And Robbe really doesn't know how they got to that point of their relationship, how fast they were they were changing blush emojis to kissy emojis on their phones, or even hearts, which Robbe found out a very interesting fact about.

Apparently Sander uses different kind and color of hearts while texting. He uses green with somebody he used to be close with but now they don't hang out that much. He uses yellow with somebody he wants to impress. Orange with somebody he doesn't like. Black with his art friends. Heart with a bow ties is with somebody he just really hates. And blue with somebody who is special for him. And he just doesn't use other colors. Sometimes purple if he's unsure of what to feel about the person he's texting with. 

He rarely uses red since it means real love for him but that's the only color of heart he has been using for Robbe, it makes him smile every time he sees it.

Robbe is definitely in love. But he can't speak much about Sander. 

Well, he has been open about his feelings and he has been spoiling Robbe with presents or compliments but he hasn't said anything directly, he has mentioned once or twice that he likes Robbe but that's it. 

Sander is probably afraid of going in deep or saying something Robbe isn't comfortable enough to hear yet and he adores Sander and is thankful for that but he's just desperate. 

All this cute little dates and meeting ups are amazing but in this kind of moments, like now, when Sander is so close, he's touching him, making him feel loved and Robbe still doesn't know what they are is making him want to cry. 

He's killing him, slowly and adorably, enjoying every second of it and Robbe is falling, somewhere, in a very long black hole and when he's sure that he has finally gotten to the place he has to come to a stop, the gravity starts working again and he's going down and down, deeper and deeper, he can't see the surface anymore for a very long time now. 

He's terrified that Sander will leave him there, stuck, devastated but one can only hope that the things will start to get clearer.

A year ago, he would have never thought that he'd even talk to him, six months ago, he never thought that he'd meet him, two months ago, he's never thought that Sander would have his head on his lap and his palm in his hand but here they were. 

The world definitely had a way to surprise him, always.

Robbe looked down at his peaceful and angelic face.

Robbe really wants to touch his hair but he isn't daring it yet. He's not the confident one in the relationship. 

In general, he hugged Sander by his self six times, kissed his cheek once, took his hand in his own twice, while Sander was almost all over him, with his hands and fingers wandering, in his hair, on his back, on his thigh, arms, hands, face.

After he found out that Robbe was comfortable with him being touchy, he didn't stop. Not that Robbe wanted him to.

He put his fingers close to his neck slowly, going in and out, didn't dare to touch it. Sander sensed his movement and opened his eyes, made Robbe feel like an exhibition in a museum because of the way the boy was looking at him.

Suddenly, he smiled and whispered "you can touch me. I don't bite. At least not if you won't ask me to." Which made Robbe put his head down, try to hide his face and by doing this, he went so deep that he put his forehead right against Sander's forehead. Not knowing what he was doing, he used his chance to slip his fingers in his soft hair and started massaging his scalp.

They stayed like this until Robbe got back to his previous position, now with his plan being successful, his fingers lost in white locks.

Robbe has no idea about how much time has passed since they got here, how many hours have they been together today. 

He closed his eyes and started "walking" in his head, thoughts after thoughts developing and becoming one. 

Sander has told him about it once, how sometimes he looks back at his thoughts and watches how each one changed to one another like a movie.

It definitely was very weird, and the way Sander's voice changed when he said it made Robbe realize that this person in front of him then, was a person Sander didn't let anybody see, only a few people.

A person who he was embarrassed about, a person he hated, a toxic, a maniac, crazy person he says he becomes and Robbe wants nothing more to make him see how wrong he is when he says all that stuff about his self.

How much he wishes to make Sander see him from Robbe's eyes, to make him see how special he is.

That was the Sander, the boy was afraid that would make Robbe run away but he was incorrect, this would be the person that would make him stay.

It took a lot of energy and time for Robbe to start accepting and communicating with Sander like a normal person. No matter how much time they spend talking, he still has that fan girl moments when he realizes who he's with and freaks out but they are getting more infrequent as he's getting to know the boy.

Believe it or not, Sander is normal. He has friends, he has problems he deals with, he has hobbies, he has a baggage and he's still perfect.

He's just a person.                                                                                                

A person Robbe loves and adores.

A person Robbe can't seem to live without now.

A person who has his head on his legs at the moment.

He opened his eyes when he felt Sander shift and was met with his eyes, staring down at him, his face close to his own. And he stayed there for a while, making sure Robbe wouldn't pull away and when he was certain that Robbe was definitely not moving, he put and touched Robbe's nose with his nose, moved it up and down slowly. Robbe felt a hot breath on his whole face, his heart about to burst out and when he finally felt Sander's lips on his own, he completely lost it.

Sander was always making him feel things he has never felt before but this was something he couldn't even explain.

He has imagined this so much that he's not proud but it felt greater than anything he has ever felt in his entire life. While his mind was closed for using for today, his body fortunately knew what to do and he wrapped his arms around him, kissing him back, pulling him closer to him.

The kiss wasn't long but it was passionate, teasing and breathtaking. 

Basically, everything Sander was. 

If Robbe knew kissing him felt like this, he'd jump on him when he has his first chance. 

Sander pulled away, looking startled and scared, put his forehead against Robbe's and whispered: "I wanted to ask if I could kiss you but then decided against it and went for it."

Robbe doesn't know how he managed to say a word. 

"I'm glad you did." 

They stayed like this for a while, just looking and breathing in each other. 

Then Robbe let out a whimper and took both of Sander's hands in his own. "Please don't lie to me, is this a dream?"

Sander looked at him sadly and filled with so much love, it was making Robbe weak and he was so happy he was sitting down. 

"I don't know. Are your eyes open? Don't believe everything you might see."

The way Sander was always using his words against him, making him remember them.

But now, he wasn't upset, no, he was happy Sander remembered and appreciated them.

And he can't lie, it was a perfect time to say it.

"All I believe right now is that I see you and you're here." He whispered back, clutching his fingers so tightly now that they were getting white, Sander didn't mind or he didn't show it at least, Robbe was petrified he'd blink and Sander wouldn't be there anymore.

"You're right. I am and I'm not going anywhere. At least not without you."

Sander reassured him and he kissed him again. 

Robbe went limp in his arms. 

Chapter 8.1

[seihun]

This is just a random request that popped into my head one day but how would a sehun simp over someone he likes? Btw your work always makes my day (and I'm sure several other people's) better🥺

AHHHH you’re so cute 🥺🥺 asks like these really make my day too i hope you guys know that!! i don’t know if you wanted my Thoughts or like a fake texts about this, but i do have Thoughts so i figured i would share some hehe

first of all i want to say that even though sehun might be a brat and will probably wanna call his friends out for being simps, he actually holds his tongue bc he might just be the biggest one himself

(he’s not it’s probably junmyeon, but then again where do you think sehun learned it from??)

i know the word simp is actually like guys making fun of each other for..... literally just wanting to be around and doting on their gfs or vice versa but let’s take in the purest sense of someone who just really wanna be there for their s/o right 

sehun might be the most lowkey simp in the game but he’s still one of them LOL if you take that literal definition

for one, i just think sehun’s someone who likes spending time with you in any form, even if you’re not Doing anything together; which makes you one of his favorite people for that exact reason 

even if he just comes over to nap on your shoulder, he would much rather do that than sit by and watch as suyeol yell at each other over a game of mario kart

so yeah if sehun’s with his friends or other people and you ask him to come over or if he’s free, he’s suddenly very free

nothing could making him happier than going to spend time with you honestly

also on the note of leaving people to be with you, the thing with sehun is that he’s a little babie 

but you probably already knew that

so he won’t Ask you to drop things for him, and will consciously not ask you to do something if he knows you’re busy (and he knows when you’re busy because he’s memorized your schedule) 

(except “busy” doesn’t equate with studying outside of regular school hours aka friday night to sunday evening, if you think you can ditch him for your textbook during those hours you’re wrong) 

(i mean if you have a big exam the following monday he’s not going to purposefully piss you off and distract you, but he will make sure you’re being healthy and going to bed at a decent hour, and he’ll supervise you [re: cuddle you to sleep] himself if he has to)

now he also doesn’t want to pry or come off as whiny (even tho he’s a little whiny), so he also won’t Ask you to spend more time with him than ‘necessary’

which is why if YOU happen to ask him to come over to do something, he’s already on his way LOL doesn’t matter what he was previously doing 

that’s really when the simp in him jumps out lmao 

but he has no shame in his game around his friends

again if suyeol are just bickering about something dumb, sehun will just grab his keys and be like “i’m leaving i’ll see you idiots later”

and when they do in fact see him again later, and ask where he went sehun will just shrug and be like “(name) needed me for something”

(needed is a strong word and really you just asked if he was free but chanyeol and junmyeon don’t need to know all of that)

he’s also very willing to do new things with you, even if it’s something he might not like, or that his friends have tried to convince him of before

“i can’t hang on saturday, (name) and i are going to the drive through petting zoo”

“sehun, i thought you hate and are afraid of all animals that aren’t vivi??”

“i don’t know what you’re talking about. besides s/o already bought the tickets so you’re gonna have to find somebody else to crush you in smash this weekend sorry baek”

he also strikes me as an attentive kinda person like i mentioned with knowing your schedule

the kind of boyfriend (or even just friend) to remember small details about your day, or your general life, or will observe them himself

he’ll take note of what kind of shoes you prefer to wear when going out on dates vs going to class vs doing something else, how many pillows you sleep with, little eating habits, he’ll even remember the names of your profs if you mention them to him 

so the simp in him makes sure all your favorite things are nice and neat and plentiful and in good condition

but he’ll never tell you he did it or if you point it out/find out he’ll just shrug and be like “you needed new pillows anyway. your old ones were getting flat.”

oh and i can’t forget potential drama and gossip you might share with him about your own friends or class

my god does sehun gobble that shit up 

that doesn’t really make him a simp but if you repeatedly tell him about susan from your calc class and he happens to see her on campus he may or may not send her a silent death glare in solidarity with you 

i think if you and sehun both listened to a new album, he’d be able to predict which songs would be your favorites with near perfect accuracy, he’s just that kinda guy

the type to drop off coffee for you while you’re working in the library, kiss the top of your head, and then walk away without saying a word

the biggest sucker for matching items but he kinda just... gets them for you guys and doesn’t say anything about it 

if you point it out eventually like “hey now we have the same scarf” he’ll be like hmm i guess we do and then let you take as many selfies with him as you want

but god forbid anyone of his friends point is out LOL

overall sehun the simp really just gives you all his time and attention which we know we know doesn’t make him simp just a good, attentive boyfriend 

(that's not gonna stop him from getting teased about it tho hehe)

[goldenpinof]

so basically here’s a script of “Basically I’m gay” by Daniel Howell, if someone needs it

link to a google doc

Hello Internet.

«Sex! Secrecy! And a whole lot of internal screaming. Starring Daniel Howell. One of the greatest mysteries of our generation. What is Dan’s sexuality?»

Spoiler alert. I’m not straight. Sex, the foundation of life and the only thing we’re really supposed to do. Everyone’s obsessed with it. You bunch of degenerates. In the list of things that identify a person, one of the most important for other people to know is their sexuality. For, if sex is the primal force propelling all of these humans forward by their hips, they have to know. Are we gonna fuck? Or like could we? Or are you, ‘cause I’m just wondering. Now, we live in a heteronormative world, which is a long scary word that makes people feel attacked for some reason. Shh it’s okay.

What it means is people are presumed to be straight. If you’re not, then at some point, you have to “come out”, which is a whole thing. Or people might just try and guess based on something you do or the way you act, because yay stereotypes. So this is something you have to be clear on, because if you’re not, how are all these other people that aren’t you going to cope? But I’m pretty sure no one that knows me thinks I’m straight. So I don’t really need to come out as much as just clarify what the hell is going on. As here I am at age 27 and my sexual preference is seemingly still a vague, debatable, confusing, impenetrable mystery. But why? And what is it? Well, those are some big questions. Are you sure you wanna know my answers?

[YES]

Okay, well, if you say so 'cause this is a complicated and sensitive issue and when it comes to me, boy, there is a lot to unpack here and it is a total clusterfuck. So strap yourselves in and let me tell you a queer little story about a boy named Dan.

Chapter 1 – The Word

♪ When I was a young boy ♪

♪ My father ♪

Didn’t have much time for me because my conception was clearly an accident and he was a narcissistic proud man suddenly inconvenienced in the prime of his life and this emotional neglect gave me lasting problems.

Sorry that’s not all relevant right now.

I was an only child for seven years and with working parents. This meant I had to make my own fun so I was imaginative  and loud which is something that my teachers used to say quite a lot followed by, “However.” Here I am age five. Look at me. Cute, poised, sassy, turning out this photo shoot like sorry, Grandma, I stunted on this set. Are you seeing this? In almost every way, I literally peaked age five. I loved being the center of attention. People said I had an infectious happiness, that my beaming smile brought them hope and joy. People that know me are laughing right now. But a boy, in the '90s being happy and generally polite acting? Sounds kinda GAY if you ask me. Literally, masculinity was so fragile, people were so proud and scared and society so aggressive that a boy smiling!?.. appearing to be empathetic or in any way emoting was seen as a threat. How dare they laugh and feel comfortable? They must be soft and weak and girly and GAY. So basically thanks, Grandma, for raising me to be a nice child, you dick. Just kidding. That’s a joke and I told you not to watch this video because it would be rude so if you send me a disappointed text telling me you’re offended, I don’t know what to tell you. Although, now I think about it, you did make me go to church for 10 years, which in hindsight probably also didn’t help ♪ Hallelujah ♪ the issue here so. But then it was time for little Dan to go to school and this is when it  

♪ All went wrong ♪

'Cause it turns out most children, evil pieces of shit. Doesn’t matter if you try to raise a happy innocent child, throw that kid into school, aka, a literal Mad Max Battle Royale with the feral offspring of your local community. Yeah, that crap’ll be undone in about two weeks. I was six years old running around the playground pretending to be Sonic the Hedgehog or something when two brothers come up to me aged seven and eight with an unexplained aggressive look in their eye. And the younger one pushes me to the ground, kicks me in the stomach, and just says, “GAY.”

This was the first time I ever heard that word. Well, I don’t know what the heck gay means but apparently it means people kick you on the floor so that ain’t good. I didn’t know this child or give them any cause to have an opinion on me. And, actually, I never directly interacted with them again. What epic clustershit of failed parenting and general culture brought this tiny child to get angry and attack someone, then call them gay for looking like they were having fun outside. Are you okay, 1990s? And so my relationship with sexuality began.

I wasn’t looking to define myself as a child indiscriminately playing doctors and nurses with various friends until once somebody’s mum walked into a room to find three fully naked children sat on a bed sticking sellotape to each other’s butts. Yep, which I don’t recommend. Also, Jesus Christ, the poor woman that saw that. Then you get to the magic age around 10 or 11 where everybody suddenly wants to pretend they’re totally a “cool teenager” who’s doing all the drugs and the sex and the fights, totally. Boy, gay was a really popular word back then.

[[Boy] Uh, homework is gay. [Girl] Uh, my mum’s so gay. [Boy] Uh, you touched a girl, gay.]

This one little shit who I won’t name was one of the school bullies and he loved the word gay. He had it in for me and I have no idea why. You know me, Mr. Winnie the Pooh Meets Slender Man. Well, when I was 10 just Winnie the Pooh. I didn’t do nothin’ to no one ever and yet this guy used my pacifism as a punching bag where any group situation was an excuse to single me out call me gay for some reason and then make everyone else exclude me because they were scared of him. I had a girlfriend. We dated for six whole weeks. We kissed in a game of spin the bottle once by literally sucking on each other’s faces. Then she ended dumping me over speakerphone at a birthday party that everyone in my class but me was invited to but, hey. I don’t know what I was doing wrong, but at this age, I understood one thing. Being gay, whatever that meant, was clearly the worst thing you could be. On a Darwinian level, I was being told, okay bitch, “Survival Code”. Don’t be this apparently. Evolution. Plot twist, this bully I think he was a bit gay because once he asked me to have a sleepover at his house and I thought was me finally getting socially accepted only for him in the middle of the night to come up and ask me, “So who’s going to be the boy and the girl?” I was an innocent smol bean who didn’t really understand what he meant because, to be honest, I didn’t actually understand get how babies were made yet. But needless to say I think he was disappointed. Wow, closeted child turns into homophobic bully. Thanks again society. But this whole primary school journey was really just an amuse-bouche for the full six-course tasting menu of suffering that would be secondary school.

I went to an all-boys school. It was a literal hellscape.  I thought it was hard making it through a school of 200 kids with two or three bullies. Try over a thousand where a clean 800 are fully psychopathic gorillas fueled by testosterone, Red Bull, and Eminem albums. Making sure that the word f- no longer means an innocent bundle of sticks or a cigarette anymore in the British lexicon. Nope, now it was a cool homophobic slur along with gay, gaylord, gayboy, puff, pufter, ponce, batty, batty boy, bum-boy, bender. Shit, this is so long. People have a lot of words for something they don’t wanna think about. Look at me in this stupid blazer. Oh, “you’ll grow into it at some point in the next four years”. Thanks, Mum. Day one, kid in form class, some stupid hedgehog-looking motherfucker side eyes me and says, “What you lookin at, puff?” First interaction at a new school. Great! My entire existence on a daily basis then becomes navigating this school like I’m in the bloody “Maze Runner” trying to avoid aggressive pricks with chode ties. And you know being verbally abused for being a nerd or a Greebo at least felt relevant to me at the time. Greebo, definitely one of my faves there and I’m sure that Korn and Slipknot would have been proud to have 12-year-old me as a fan. I kinda knew who I was in the hierarchy at that point. I was essentially a theater kid who spent all of his free time playing Runescape on the AOL browser on his mum’s PC instead of football. I accepted it. But at least I wasn’t actually this “gay thing” people kept throwing around because by now I understood a gay is a boy who fancies other boys. And to be honest I don’t really feel like I’ve ever fancied anyone before.

Then puberty happened.

Oh yeah, this is fun, tingly feelings, I smell bad. It was quite fun dribbling on this girl’s face playing Truth or Dare, maybe later we’ll go behind that bike sheds and, there I was sat in English class, my friend next to me. I watched as he delicately removes a pencil from its case. We briefly make eye contact as he flutters his long black eyelashes with a blink before staring forward. His eyes are so bright and beautiful yet they seem so sad and deep with emotion. I wish I could just understand. Oh fuck, I think I’m a bit gay. You’re telling me this whole time I actually have been the bad thing that people keep calling me? Shit!

Chapter 2 – Feelings

Oh do you hear it that faint hum, something coming from a deep, dark place too powerful to control? It’s the self-hatred. She is here and she’s only getting started. Short version, I fall hopelessly in love with a friend of mine who doesn’t feel the same way which crushes me into a million tiny pieces and years later actually it turns out he was gay the whole time. He just really specifically didn’t like me. [Double kill.] Here I am, 13, crying to evanescence alone in my bedroom feeling like there’s no point in really being alive as I’m clearly a faulty outcast person that has no place in the world. I stopped going to church with my grandma because I felt like I wasn’t really supposed to be there. Also, by this age, the whole Christianity thing didn’t really make much sense to me. And the adult services were dry AF compared to coloring in a picture of Jesus’s face at Sunday school. So other than the free tea and biscuits they gave away after the sermon, religion didn’t really have much to offer me. Damn, there was some good biscuits though. I miss that. But wait! All is not lost yet. Do you see that? A triumphant, rallying cry of guitars, stripey hoodies, and black hair dye. Emo had arrived! I swear to God, emo is one of the best things that happened to pop culture in the last 20 years. As well as inventing eyeliner and skinny jeans, a new word hit the theater, nerd, goth, band, kid corner that would change my world forever.

Bisexual. You can be normal and gay at the same time and some people think it’s cool? Well, slap a long fingerless glove on my arm and sign me up to Myspace 'cause Mum, I’m bi. It was a good term 'cause it was a catchall for anyone who felt sexually confused or curious that didn’t want to commit to something stronger which is very me. Big commitment issues. Thanks, fam. To be clear, regardless of whatever the 2006 teenagers thoughts and feelings were, being bi is valid and should not be excused away or erased by anyone. Thank you.

From this moment, I was a loud and proud raving bi to my close friends and the strangers on the internet who saw my clearly-labeled sexual preference on my Myspace page. And the emo friends I made at this time were awesome. We just used to hang and make out with each other and listen to music and drink bottles of Smirnoff Ice until we were sick on each other with no judgment. The judgment came several years later looking back at the photos that you can’t delete. So I didn’t need to tell my family or people at school anything. But the thing is with a Myspace page, anyone with an internet connection can read it. And so the rumors started spreading through my neighborhood that Dan Howell was in fact a bisexual. I had a friend in French class who one day, totally unprompted, just turned to me and said, “Hmm, yeah, I thought so. You give off a bi-vibe.” A bi-vi-, what the fuck is a bi-vibe? Great, yeah, nothing to make a 15-year-old feel self-conscious about his behavior like being told he emanates a bisexual aura. What am I supposed to do with that? Sorry that I give off mixed signals. I’m versatile. Turns out it was actually a social upgrade from being called gay all the time 'cause bisexual was a new word that only referred to sexuality so people actually had to decide how they felt about the fact I was attracted to boys. As opposed to gay which as we all understand is synonymous with bad and also implies a general threat, plague, curse/evil force that simply must be destroyed. People at school were actually almost nice to me with curiosity about it and a few of the boys that previously loved to just generically call me gay while throwing a compasses at me or something, now started to low-key flirt with me and some stuff happened. Go figure.

But then I entered the dark ages and no I’m not talking about my hair because I was never actually cool enough to commit to dying it black. As quickly as they arrived into my life, my emo friend group vanished into the night. Like the tip of an eyeliner pencil snapping or the HTML on your intricately-crafted MySpace page falling apart when the host websites of your embedded gifs die, so, too, did my social life. One had to suddenly focus on school, another moved town, two of them just fell out with each other and started hanging out with their old friends again. Well, we don’t all have back up friend groups, Lindsey! I went all in on the emos! You’re telling me I have to go back to sitting in my kitchen playing Runescape now! Thanks a lot. So for a year I literally had no friends. And this is when the bullying at school really stepped its pussy up. The things people used to say offhand to me in a corridor were now said loudly in classrooms where everybody would laugh. People used to sing songs about me being gay on the bus while my fellow nerds sat around me just stared awkwardly out of the window not wanting to get involved. People shouted things out during GCSE exams in front of the whole school and the low key pushing became punches. People used to wait for me after school just to throw things at me. Once a guy put his hand around my throat and pushed my head against a coat peg in the locker room while everyone was watching and just slapped me for five minutes. But I never reacted. I never cried or got angry or fought back 'cause then I’d be giving them what they wanted and I refused to play along. But this way of dealing with things definitely had an impact on my relationship with emotion going into life. I became a total outcast. No one wanted to come near me out of fear that they’d get targeted, too. So no one ever stood up for me. And, you know, I don’t blame them. I just resent them even to this day. No, I’m kidding, I don’t really. I do. No, I don’t. I, hmm. Teachers at the time obviously did nothing. In fact, one of them saw this happening to me and laughed 'cause you know, boys will be boys especially the gay ones that get killed by the other ones, am I right? Ah, classic lad banter. And home. See, keeping this on the topic of sexuality and not economic class, violence, addiction, and health issues, let’s just say some shit was goin’ down. I didn’t think I could ask my family for help or share my feelings about this, mainly due to my dad. Funny guy, kind of a woke hippie who did and said a lot of things I did respect but at the same time used to walk around the house saying how he hoped someone he had a problem with at work would *clears throat* “die of bum cancer.” Yep, so picked the one area to be a bigot that would further traumatize your child. Nice! This experience coming from a childhood hearing the word gay meaninglessly thrown around as an insult at home and school, in music, on TV, to then realizing I am actually kinda gay, to then very specifically being attacked for it was traumatic. The world was clearly telling me if I ever wanted to be accepted by anyone or, in my particular environment, survive, I couldn’t be gay. I was afraid of it, literally homophobic of myself. I am talking Pavlov, sunken place, North Korea-level mind alteration that made me terrified of and repulsed by this part of me. This is called internalized oppression. It’s a real thing and it’s some real shit.

Chapter 3 – Internalized Oppression

From this moment I was no longer advertising myself as bi. No, BRB deleting that Myspace real quick, xD lemme get on that Bebo. “My Chemical Romance”? No, I’m listen to what’s this, N-Dubz? Jesus Christ. I go away for the summer break and come back to school quiet and serious and fully straight. *coughs* I needed me some new friends that were a bit higher up the social ladder, you know what I’m sayin’ for security so I go ahead and join “The Inbetweeners”. Literally this group of friends, the exact middle ground between nerds and desperately wanting to be cool. And oh how desperate we were. The great thing about these friends was they knew loads of girls. So firstly, instant cool points. Secondly, if I date a girl *scoffs* super not gay. The problem with that was it’s not like everyone just forgot everything that’s been said about me and this group of friends, casually homophobic pretty much all the time and also they hung out in places near some even more aggressive and super homophobic peeps. Just full-time Runescape would have been a better in hindsight. I find myself going through the same shit at school but now voluntarily going through it at the weekends from the people that are supposed to be my friends thinking I’m doing the right thing whilst constantly telling myself I’m now totally heterosexual. So I did what many people choose to do at that point and I got a girlfriend. But this is pretty messed up because I really liked this girl. In fact, I loved her as a friend and I was genuinely attracted to her but I was so afraid of sexuality I didn’t even wanna do anything straight in case I had some weird gay panic that I was totally frigid and I led her on. And when she got pissed at me, understandably, for being a terrible boyfriend, I just felt even worse. This was someone who I liked that I was hurting and lying to but I couldn’t leave as then I’d have no armor. Beautiful irony here is having a girlfriend didn’t in any way stop the abuse 'cause remember, gay is a great all-purpose general insult. (Call someone gay today and we’ll throw in a free set of steak knives.) And when these neighborhood teens started heavy drinking and getting into drugs, things suddenly got quite scary as people joked about setting fire to a tent as I slept in it at Reading Festival. Or saying, “You know that notoriously unstable guy? Yeah, he said he’s gonna kill you next Saturday.” Awkward.

This was definitely the lowest point in my life. I just felt totally alone, confused and I deeply hated myself. I used to ask God, in case he was there, to please, just make me straight and everyone stop. But I saw no end, no escape, no way to change the world or who I was. So one evening I thought fuck it and I attempted suicide.

I say attempted, because just before it was too late I thought

“oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit what have i done what have i done fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck?”

“what will your grandma think don’t do this to her she tried her best and she loves you”

“your family aren’t total dicks and this will fuck them up can’t you just get over it surely”

“you’re gonna get to the last year of school and give up now really what was the point”

“I heard this is one of the most painful ways to die so not a great choice if I’m being blunt”

Felt kinda bad for a few days otherwise I pretended it never happened and I didn’t tell anyone, until now, literally. Hmm, I know pretty dark right, but hey spoiler things kinda worked out. I mean still gotta lot of issues but here I am. I’m so glad I failed for so many reasons, for the people in my life, for the future I would’ve wasted. The most important being that I thought I was trapped in a situation forever when in reality, the entire world I lived in and my life changed completely. I thought it was hopeless when in reality there was so much to hope for and that’s it. Time changes everything. With the lives that we have, we can try anything we’ve dreamed of. I want anyone that’s ever felt like this to realize you are never trapped. There is always hope. You just need to believe in yourself and get to the other side. So yeah school age 6 to 18, I’m gonna give that a bad Google review. The thing is I did stand out. I’ve always been a loudmouth, class clown, annoying shit. Since graduating, it turns out half the people I knew were fuckin’ gay. That group of friends I had, all lovely people now. Five of them were gay, five gays! That is statistically irregular. Oh but they flew under the radar. All I’m saying is I wish people just hated me for being annoying and immature. Leave the gays alone!

My light at the end of the tunnel was university. I was gonna get my A levels move to a new town and ghost these bitches. But I took a gap year first to earn some money which was very boring sitting at home and working at ASDA where I was not happy to help. My shift started at 5 a.m. on a Saturday. Signed up for a Twitter account to run my mouth off and then bam. “So my name is [Dan].” My YouTube story begins, a new chapter of my life to redefine. So you know what I do? Get a Formspring because nothing gives you that attention feeling like one of those anonymous question and answer websites that are inherently toxic and no one should use. And straight out of the bat bisexual Dan returns. 'Cause hey, just like Myspace, I’m only telling a few people on the internet right now. It’s not like one day I’m gonna get so many followers that random strangers and my family might see it. Wow, I had a lot fun with many different kinds of people in 2009. Let’s just say I got a lot out of my system. Got a couple of things in my system, too. Sorry.

And this is when, through the magic of the internet, I met Phil. And obviously we were more than friends but it was more than just romantic. This is someone that genuinely liked me. I trusted them. And for the first time since I was a tiny child, I actually felt safe. And the relationship we formed at that point was something that I needed in my life. We are real best friends, companions through life, like actual soulmates, not that souls are a real thing that exist. It’s so lucky to just find someone you can be that compatible with and especially to anyone that has experienced the kind of self-hatred that I have dealt with, one person accepting you can make all the difference. And I bet so many people wanna know so much more about that which, honestly, I take as a compliment. But here’s the thing. I’m somebody that wants to keep the details of my personal life private. So is Phil. I know lots of people these days, thanks to social media, want to share and monetize every aspect of their life and then as soon as something changes suddenly it’s this huge drama because everybody got invested in the story of your life like it’s a soap opera. I don’t want that. I wanna do certain things without an audience. I wanna be spontaneous. I don’t wanna feel afraid to take risks. I want to enjoy totally fucking something up and not have to post a statement about it. And if anyone thinks people really have to share these things about their life, you need to rethink your position. And look, I understand that sex is a fun and interesting thing to talk about. I get it. I am also a disgusting pervert. But the specific minutiae of who I be fuckin’, when, why, where, how long, how, uhh, I mean? Sexuality is a general fact that it can be very useful to know about a person for several reasons, but we can’t force people to disclose that either. We don’t know this person’s life story, what they’ve been through, if they haven’t told people, if they’ll lose their job, if they’re in danger. There are so many reasons someone might not be open about it. We can preach the message that being out is good, but aggressively speculating or trying to out someone is really bad. They might not be gay, in which case we’re just harassing someone and probably stereotyping. And if they are there’s gonna be a reason why they haven’t talked about it. So I don’t wanna see any responses to me finally talking about this like no one is surprised. “Dan we been knew.” Wow, you huge galaxy brain genius. What’s it like walking around with all those brain cells in there working overtime? What, you got like three in there? Don’t lose your balance, mastermind. I haven’t exactly been subtle have I? I’m an awkward, sexually ambiguous nerd. “What the fuck even is your sexuality?” That’s not the point. I’m already dead inside so it doesn’t matter here, but to me if someone’s reaction to a person coming out is just, “yeah, I knew”, they’re showing no empathy towards the issue or that person. They’re just making it about themselves like it was a fun piece of gossip they already knew. All we have to do is listen and be accepting.

So anyway back to the tale. Whilst things were looking up for Dan aged 18, things quickly got messy again. Wow, that beats the emo streak of temporary self-acceptance by like six months, nice. There was a point around 2011 where the relationship with my audience shifted from what felt like direct communication between me and individuals that just saw me as a comedy creator to communities of people that formed to talk about me when I wasn’t there. Which is fine, but for some people it was about getting generally invested in me and my real life which I thought was a bit strange 'cause inevitably like anyone who puts themself out there, some people started to really dig into my private life to find out information about me that I wasn’t ready to share. And this was around the same time that YouTubers finally started to get mainstream recognition in the British press. We had the BBC knocking at our door trying to offer Dan and Phil a radio show. From that, Dan and Phil became this entertainment duo that we could have a creative career with. And we love working together, so when all these opportunities came for Dan and Phil, we were really excited but I was also scared as people clearly knew I wasn’t straight and I hadn’t told my family that. None of my old friends knew about this, and what me and Phil had was ours and personal and yet some people were trying to get access to it for their own satisfaction. It was no longer a few people on the internet, no big deal. So I just shut down. It felt like I was back at school again, surrounded by threatening people trying to expose me for their entertainment. Most I’m sure just wanted what was best for me and I feel such genuine sadness and am sorry that I couldn’t be closer to and more truthful with the people in my life that were just trying to be nice but I wasn’t ready to deal with it at this time so I had to do something to contain it. I definitely sent some mixed messages. Some were just joking around, others were super defensive that in my panic came across like “I’m now telling everyone I’m totally straight” when all I really meant was “please fuck off and don’t invade my privacy, you creepy stalkers, thank you”. But this experience seriously triggered some PTSD in me and I was back in the dark place. I didn’t want to just disappear from the internet to escape it and throw away this creative hobby that actually started paying rent. Thanks. So I just decided to put anything to do with my sexuality in a box to come back to later as I was still processing my past and I wanted to understand my identity on my own terms and timeline and not just have it hijacked as fuel for people’s sexual fantasies or some headline in an article. And whilst we’re not exactly living in a utopia yet here on YouTube, the general internet culture only five or six years ago was a much less wholesome, progressive place as this little bubble is now. Sure, a lot of people probably would have been supportive, but there was just as much open bigotry and general toxicity 'cause people felt less accountable and it was okay to say certain things 'cause it’s just on the internet and I couldn’t handle that at the time. And, generally, I can handle a lot. I have big hands with a very wide reach for playing piano, you fucking.. get your mind out of the gutter. We can’t ask people to just put their lives on hold to address their sexuality first. If a kid dreams of being a footballer and age 18 gets signed to a club and all their dreams come true but they’re scared to come out because of the insane homophobia in that community, they shouldn’t turn it down. Yes, it’s so important to be truthful about who you are and open and proud in front of the world but it’s our society’s fault that these people are scared to say who they are. So let’s all focus on making it a welcoming place and people will come out when they are ready. So when was I ready? Well, it’s always been on my mind that I need to talk about this at some point. I couldn’t just keep going forward in my life ignoring it, not only just so I can be authentic, which is very important for general existing, but also just letting people know what kind of sexual attention I want from the world. All of it from everyone. God I’m so thirsty. And if anything motivated me, it’s the idea that I can help someone else 'cause that’s basically my whole career, isn’t it, admitting to shit that I’ve been through so you will feel better about yourselves. There we go, you’re welcome. I have a platform and a following of millions of people, many of whom I know have been through exactly what I have. And if I tell my story as painful and flip floppy and flawed as it is, I know it will mean something to someone as every time someone speaks openly about sexuality, it saves lives. I’d never met a single out gay person until I was 18. And if I had, or even just seen better representation in the media, I wouldn’t have felt so totally alone. I wouldn’t even be saying this to you now if it wasn’t for TV shows, musicians, and public figures in the last couple years reinforcing this to me. It doesn’t matter if I was living the life privately as there was still so much confusion about my feelings and fear. But things are better now, on the internet, on TV, in my real life. It’s not perfect but it feels safe enough in this space right now for me to feel confident. So thank you, sincerely, to all the brave people that came before me and to any of you that made this world seem welcoming for me. And instead of procrastinating from this by focusing on work, which was a way for me to insure my own independence and survival in case I was rejected, or just doing things for other people to take my mind off it instead of asserting my own needs, which my therapist keeps telling me is one of my biggest problems. Here I am with a fresh void of time in front of me to fuck up however I want. Now look, we all have different experiences in life. Some of us are lucky, some of us not. It just so happened that the first 18 years of my life were horrendously shit. It failed me. But we get dealt cards from the start, too. If you look at my life, I was born into this world as an able-bodied, white, cis-man in Britain which immediately gives me so much privilege in this current world and I am fully aware of how much harder making it to today could have been for me, which is why we all need to stand up for equality and social justice even if it doesn’t apply to us. No one stood up for me when it mattered the most and that almost cost me everything. So if you see a woman being harassed, a gay being threatened, someone muttering something racist, say something, do something because if you’re still or silent, the victim will just think that you are against them, too. We all have a responsibility.

This tale was just some of the stuff relating to sexuality. We all have a whole sob story if we wanna tell it but I just wanted to explain the journey of how I got to this point and overcame the obstacles that tried to block this path. And now I’ve arrived.

Chapter 4 – Labels

Okay cool story, bro, it’s answer time. What’s your answer. Whaddayalikedafuk? Here’s the thing, you want me to talk candidly about sexuality as if it’s something that I understand? I don’t know what it is, why it is. Turns out no one knows. I’ve been sitting here for years waiting for scientists to just work it out like bleep bloop. [Oh this is why and exactly how it’s different for people. There we go.] Thinking I shouldn’t run off my mouth on the internet in case my theories and opinions on varying gayness get debunked next week. Well, I waited long enough and it didn’t happen. Science, ya fucked up, you let me down. And I fully expect to have to delete this video in two weeks when you find out all the answers suddenly. Thanks a bunch. What makes someone gay or straight or all the things in between? What the ever loving fuck is gender about? This is a mess. Yet people want you to give them a word because that’s how humans communicate with words that have meanings. Which is why our disgusting species is impatient, stupid, and obsessed with labels. And this applies to everything, sexuality, gender, political identity, what obscure genre of synthwave you listen to. People just want a label that represents something they understand so they already know how to feel about you and don’t have to bother thinking. [Oh you’re a feminist well I don’t need to know anything more. Oh you’re a leftist. Oh you’re a K-pop fan but but but but.] If people just want to find a way to disagree with you or dislike you, they can refer to the label and turn off their brains. Hey, what does my label say? Huh. The issue is, especially when we start talking about the writhing mass of confusion and suffering that is sexual and gender identity, the limits of language and specific terminology become a big problem. What does being gay mean? You never thought about a boob once? What does being a man mean? You wanna be an emotionless rock rubbing raw steaks against your biceps? It’s not like humanity is all in agreement right now. I don’t like the stereotypes and drama that come with all this terminology so I’m just not gonna use it. Thing is gender identity isn’t my issue. I feel comfortable with the identity that I’ve had my whole life. Dan, a tol boy from England. But being a man means nothing to me. I wouldn’t feel uncomfortable wearing makeup or a sickening pair of heels, though I can’t even draw in a straight line so that would be a disaster. Also is anyone really comfortable wearing heels? Hmm. Icons of masculinity aren’t really a big part of my life. Might as well call me a fucking formless blob that sounds more relatable. Shout out to all my formless blobs out there, rise up. I don’t have to do anything or be anything and I personally wouldn’t feel offended if I wasn’t referred to as a he. Well, she’s feeling hungry today. Stop fucking judging me, Susan. I’m sad and I’m gonna eat this whole damn cake whether you like it or not. But anyone that has this don’t really care attitude about their gender identity is in a way privileged 'cause some people, especially trans, care a lot about their gender identity and using the correct pronouns which other people should respect. Likewise with sexuality, whilst to me the endlessly increasing list of tribes and flags being flown is a bit daunting and confusing and personally stresses me out 'cause I almost find it constrictive, some people like it. Because if you’re feelings are confusing and then you look at a word that represents something and go, “wow, that me”, it can help you realize you’re valid and find a community and that’s great. There is so much controversy around this issue and others but if we all just calm down, respect each other’s experiences and try to just be nice, reasonable people, which is a lot to ask, let’s be real, it’s quite simple. If you wanna use language to express your honest feelings and identity, that’s great and other people should respect what you say. Likewise, if you hate labels and you just wanna be a formless blob, that’s fine, too. No one should force you. The only thing that isn’t cool is telling other people what they should or should not identify as 'cause that ain’t your problem or your business, bye. This was one of the things that held me back from talking about this for years. Shit’s confusing, man. Let’s just go back to cellular reproduction by mitosis so I don’t really have to be specific. Two people that I really look up to and respect, Harry Styles and Janelle Monae, both famously say that they don’t feel the need to label it which, to be honest, is how I feel and is perfectly okay. But I get it, for me, you want a word. Oh, that’s hard, though. I’m an annoying guy. I feel uncertain specifying my sexuality in the same way I wouldn’t say I am an atheist. Who the fuck am I to say whether God does or doesn’t exist? I don’t know shit 'bout shit and neither does anyone else. I mean I think it’s unlikely in the same way I know I like DICK. But I’m not gonna pretend to have a definite answer here. Looking at my public statements is inconsistent and confusing. Looking at my personal track record through life is super confusing. And looking at the void inside my soul threatening to crush the entire universe with the force of its event horizon of misery and melodrama, well, fuck let’s close that shit up. One thing’s for sure whatever heterosexual is, I ain’t it. Really if you ask me, I don’t think anyone’s totally straight. I think there’s a lot of social and emotional issues getting in the way of yet to be understood feelings of attraction that can be very flexible. And trust me, I’ve known a lot of straight guys until a couple of drinks, some deep conversation, and lingering eye contact, and suddenly they just start leaning in. What does that make them? And am I totally gay? No. Am I slightly more gay or is it just easier for gays to hook up with each other because of societal norms. It’s not like the signs for male and female bathrooms are what I’m attracted to. I don’t care what flesh organ you have between your legs, what your hair’s like, if you’re covered in it or a fuckin’ beluga whale. I’m gonna be honest, I’m not picky. I’m easy. So am I bi or pan or poly? Well, now we’re just in a clusterfuck of defining language and I’m confused and sad and horny. This is why I personally love the word queer. I understand that some people don’t as it is a slur but as someone that’s been the target of it several times throughout my life I’m up for some reclamation. It’s like recycling. The definition makes sense because until society is equal with all sexual and gender identifies, it is literally strange from a conventional viewpoint plus it’s better than a super long acronym, it’s inclusive of everyone and therefore great for formless blobs. There we go, an identity I feel comfortable with. A highly-strung, depressed queer praying for a giant meteor to hurry up and finally eradicate humanity. LMAO, yeet!

But to come full circle, I know that even today, deep in my heart the word gay scares me because that’s how I’ve been conditioned my whole life. So, you know what? Fuck the literal definition and the scientific definition and what everyone thinks. I finally have to just confront and accept this.

I’m gay.

Oh look, didn’t spontaneously fucking combust. Well, there we go, that was a lot of stress about nothing, wasn’t it? Bloody hell. So yup, I’m here, I’m queer, and don’t worry I’m still filled with existential fear.

WE’RE HERE, WE’RE QUEER WE’RE FILLED WITH EXISTENTIAL FEAR.

Chapter 5 – Fear

Even though I’m at this current place, there is still so much I’m afraid of and this has taken months to make because of that. Telling my family was a big fear. I have problems connecting with them emotionally because reasons. So I only came out to them this month and if it didn’t go well, as I’m now the independent adult that I fought so hard to be, I was ready to cut them off like the bottom of a sweater turning into a seasonal crop. But I didn’t have to, love you. I didn’t think they’d reject me these days but coming out is still a surprise. It changes things. And I’m a pretty awkward person generally but the idea of just dropping this in conversation in front of them all terrified me. And I tried several times this year to do it but I just couldn’t. So you know how I finally came out to my family? E-mail. Yep, I literally just sent them an e-mail saying and I quote,

“Hello gang. I’ve been meaning to talk to you all for a while, something quite important that should be disclosed at some point. I thought I would around Christmas, then Mum’s birthday, then last Easter Sunday, etc., but every time I meant to, I either felt like I would ruin the mood of the day or I just felt awkward and didn’t want to. So I decided just to email you all instead which is really inappropriate and just weird but that somehow seems appropriate for me and at least I’ll just finally say it.

Basically I’m gay.”

Yup. It was just getting ridiculous so I thought screw it and hey, it worked. Turns out my remaining family, pretty chill bunch of people. Even my Christian grandma said this,

“We love you for being you. It must be a great relief to finally acknowledge who you are. Popsie and I just want you to be happy. People are born as they are and have no say in it. I hope that now you will feel free to live your life as you want with no pretense.”

Aw.

“Don’t forget the iPad.”

Yes, I said I’d give her my old iPad. She mainly cares about that I thing. Wasn’t so sure when I was 17 but it went well now and I know that makes me lucky but, hey, it shows that times change. As for the other people in my life, obviously all the friends I have now are cool. If anyone in my life I’ve ever known isn’t cool with it then I don’t care. And sure here online there might be a few incredibly lost bigots following me or just some classic trolls who I think should get fucked. No, like literally, I think you should try it. You’ll probably enjoy it and you might learn something about yourself. Inevitably some of you watching this might have a weird reaction if you just feel like it was a shock or you feel hurt that I kept it from you. But I feel like I explained myself reasonably here and going forward I can’t have any space for that, sorry. I’ve come to terms with who I am and now you have to, too, ha. Funnily enough straight up homophobia is probably the one thing I’m not that afraid of, because I just don’t agree so it doesn’t hold much emotional power over me but you bet I’m opening myself up to all new kinds of in real life and international discrimination now which is fun. But one of the other big fears holding me back was, honestly, that I wouldn’t be accepted by the community. I know that it’s a big pride flag covering a lot of ground and even the idea of it and certainly most of it is amazing. But there is a lot of drama within it right now especially on the internet. You’ve got Grindr gays arguing about how manly gays should be, bi’s getting ignored, trans people, especially of color, not being historically appreciated, acephobia, fucking SWERFs and TERFs. No thank you. So even though they are my people, I know some of them will have problems with something. And even then, just seeing such a loud and proud, strong and opinionated group of people celebrating something just intimidates a smol introvert such as myself. And in my mind if these people don’t accept me because I’m not being definitive enough or I took too long then I almost feel like I’ll be alone all over again, and this is a fear that a lot of people have honestly. But I’m a nice guy and I’m trying my best so you better be welcoming, you bunch of fuckin’ queers. And obviously with the topic of sexuality, it doesn’t matter where we are or how far you think we’ve come, by merely mentioning it, I will be opening up a primordial box of bullshit which will include every single stupid argument and question since the dawn of time. [It’s not natural.] There’s gay animals. [Adam and Steve.] That’s based on a story and the protagonist that arrives later probably doesn’t agree with you. [Why can’t we have straight pride?] I could spend 10 hours on all the classic crap and people would still be asking the same things. This being posted on the internet, my hopes are so incredibly low, lower than my self-esteem.  Wow, that is unhealthy. I need to stop doing that. This video is about internalized oppression and the problems of language. I’m not here to pontificate on every topic tangentially related to the entire concept of gayness. *ASMR voice*: Pontificate on every topic tangentially related to the concept of gayness.  

There’s other humans and all the time in the world left for that. The time in the world coincidentally being not much longer. Climate change LMAO. But I had to tell my story so people would understand me and these things. Why coming out is still a big deal because queer people are often invisible and suffering until they have to do it. Some people grow up in supportive environments and it’s a positive experience. But more likely, especially around the world outside of the big cities, it isn’t. This is not a fight that is anywhere near over. Even in Britain today people are debating whether children should be taught to be accepting of sexual and gender identity in school.

Queer people exist. Choosing not to accept them is not an option.

To anyone watching this that isn’t out, it’s okay. You’re okay. You were born this way, it’s right, and anyone that has a problem with it is wrong. Based on your circumstance, you might not feel ready to tell people yet or that it’s safe and that’s fine, too. Just know that living your truth, with pride, is the way to be happy. You are valid. It gets so much better. And the future is clear. It’s pretty queer.

So there we go. Now I can proceed authentically in my life with full disclosure. Cute mutuals know to slide into the DMs. And you can all fuck off and leave me alone.

Bye.

[geekgemsspooksandtoons]

Hey @kaijuguy19 .....I finally drew the ultimate Alice Angel stan. XD But yeah he’s a character from the both us.

Derek Brooker. AKA Twisted Barry. 

Born: 1917.

Died: Possibly somewhere in the late 50′s to early 60′s. 

Information, be warned it’s VERY LONG. Okay I’ll admit I think I wrote too much. Maybe I’ll talk about Twisted Barry in another post or so. Because this seems stupid to put a lot of text under this one picture. Edit okay I’m continuing it, gonna finish his story. Besides I didn’t talk about his Twisted form. 

Barry the bear was a character that was rarely seen in the Bendy cartoons. He was mainly seen in cartoons like holiday specials or other short films. Despite looking like a villainous character in a way. But that isn’t the case considering the Butcher Gang and other characters fill those roles. Barry is actually a simple big bear who tries to enjoy life. The only times he mainly becomes aggressive is when Bendy would be mischievous around him. But usually in the end Bendy be empathic to the big bear after feeling bad of how he treated him.

Usually from his appearances. He is portrayed as a gentle giant who seems to really like Alice Angel. Being some what shy around the angel but wanting to impress her and give her affection. Which Alice appreciates but their relationship isn’t taken seriously in any of the cartoons. 

Other details include of him possibly being a good friend of Boris. Yet he doesn’t seem to like the Butcher Gang quite much. Whenever they would cause trouble towards any of the big three or any one. Barry showcases to them who’s boss.

While not as popular as the main trio of Bendy, Boris, and Alice. Barry has a fanbase still. He is mainly loved for being a subversive of a big villainous character. When he is actually a gentle giant. 

It was also confirmed the inspiration and who the character was based on was actually one of Joey Drew’s own bodyguard. Who was named Derek Brooker. 

Story: Derek was born living with a single mother. Who’s husband decided to leave after realizing taking care of the child wasn’t worth it. Throughout Derek’s life he had no father figure. Which led to him getting into some trouble. But with his mother’s guidance. His life was pretty okay. He always loved his mother. Seeing her as this one inspiration in his life.

In 1935, realizing his fit body and wanting a job that suited him. He was never really an artist. But he wanted to be a guard of some sorts. Something that paid money. Luckily Joey Drew hired the young man to be his personal bodyguard in case anything happened to him.

As Derek worked for Joey Drew. He was basically known as Joey’s right hand man. Someone who was near Joey a lot. But despite his serious attitude when keeping Joey protect around crowds. During his early years of being at the studio. Derek’s presence was honestly welcomed.

Nicknamed a, “Teddy Bear” considering his soft nature around people. Especially giving comfort whenever they need it. Or giving some folks an extra hand while he wasn’t busy. While Derek took his job seriously as a bodyguard. His presence around the studio was welcomed by everybody who was there. Even someone like Sammy Lawrence who wasn’t always the friendliest. But he honestly appreciated Derek’s company whenever he was around.

Because of being around Joey. He picked up some skills like being charismatic and charming. Despite what Joey’s true nature was. Derek was honestly truthful with how he treated others. Being modest and kind to others. Including around women who he respected. Because of living with his mother. He found it surprising when women were making googley eyes over him because of how well dressed he can be at times. Or even acting very mature and smooth around women.

Yet what was intriguing about Derek was this one secret he tried to keep to himself. Upon seeing the concepts and the, “Sent From Above” cartoon. The first appearance of Alice Angel. Derek developed what was a crush on the cartoon character. The reason or this because Derek never really developed a love for a woman during his life.

But when Susie was still the voice of Alice. It’s weird to explain the relationship between them. Despite Sammy and Susie’s romance. Susie felt a connection to Derek as well. Understanding his liking towards the Alice character. While nothing was made public. The two were very comfortable around each other. There may of been the possibility Susie felt like she was in love with Derek more than Sammy. He treated her right, and he was tender. But she never told Sammy. Until maybe Sammy found out later in life. 

Yet after Susie was replaced and she was gone. Including during this time in 1946, Derek’s mother finally passed away. Heavily affected by this loss. He started acting different. 

Allison and Derek had a good friendship. Yet Allison wasn’t Susie. While Allison didn’t mind being called Alice. But over time she started to get uncomfortable when Derek started to get too close. Such as the one point that was too much when he started to hug her and she didn’t ask for her. Luckily Thomas Connor interrupted them. 

No one was hurt but Derek felt ashamed because of what he did. Luckily all three of them had a talk. The couple understood Derek’s situation. But telling him that was uncalled for. Surprisingly the three remained in contact and Derek was still considered a good friend. He was even invited to their wedding and he came. Which showcases things were left behind.

But some where in the late 50′s or early 60′s. During the time when Joey Drew Studios was shutting down. Derek went missing.

But in world of the ink machine....something was unleashed.

Twisted Barry: A hulking and scarred version of the gentle giant. The thing that used to be Derek Brooker was this monster. One of the big threats in the studio. Able to take on the monsters that roam the studio. Including being able to take on the Projectionist and even the Ink Demon himself. He has scars to prove his time in combat. Especially with a scarred left eye.

But after Audrey broke the cycle, when Twisted Alice got all her memories back. Things changed. When finding for supplies near her lair. The bear giant stumbled upon the twisted angel. Terrified by his size and raw power. But he didn’t attack. 

Because like Derek and Barry. His love for the angels was still there. Despite Twisted Barry being a simple minded brute. Who only had a limited vocabulary. Such as saying things like, “Alice” and, “Angels” and whatever else. 

He was soft around the angel. Despite her shock at first. It wasn’t until the twisted versions of the Butcher Gang attacked and the giant killed them all to protect her. 

Seeing his loyalty to her. Twisted Alice let him followed her back to her lair. 

As of now with the three of them. Twisted Alice, Twisted Barry, and Dot Alice all live in that lair. Despite the angels old cruelness and still trying to be perfect. She tries to hide it from Dot Alice who looks up to her like some sort of hero. Not judging her appearance. With Barry, after so many years of being alone and trying to perfect herself. She doesn’t belittle him, she doesn’t scream at him or even insult him. The giant brute despite his simple mind and harshness towards the other creatures in the world.

He was tender with the twisted angel. Including he did errands for her. The brute was basically both angels protectors. He was basically the guardian of all angels. Whenever she needed to talk to someone, he would listen. Something she would want to latch on to, he would be there. Despite on the outside it looked like she was her mad dog whenever somebody would insult his angel.

Their relationship was strangely beautiful. Something the twisted angel didn’t wanna showcase. But during all that time in that world. It was nice to finally have comfort in something. A world with so few rules. There was at least some light. Two people who wouldn’t lie to her and would treat her right.

Notes: Amazingly his human appearance is based upon Jared Padalecki. Basically I have thought if Derek was ever portrayed in live action. That would be my choice. Also yeah this isn’t my best work. 

Especially with Barry here. Think I’ll finally add the Twisted Barry tag since I’m editing this. Also yeah Derek’s face seems to look weird. It’s just nice I finally drew the guy after talking about him and making jokes of him being the biggest Alice Angel fanboy.

[tipsydipsydo]

Get to know me more! 🤗🥰

I got tagged by the amazing and so lovely and filthy @borathae! Thank you so, so much for that, Sweetie!!💕

What do you prefer to be called name wise? Here on Tumblr I prefer my nickname 'Tipsy'!

When is your birthday? 16th April

Where do you live? On the countryside aka "the literal nowhere" of Germany.

Three things you are doing right now? Listening to music, watching YouTube Videos and answering this game in Baby steps! xD

Four Fandoms that have piqued your interest right now? BTS, GOT7, APH Hetalia and Countryhumans

How the pandemic treating you? Honestly, I did great in the quarantaine time. I live on the very, very countryside so nothing really changed for me (just wearing masks while grocery shopping and not being able to see my friends)...so I had a lot time to write!

A song you can't stop listening to right now? Serena- Safari

Recommend a movie? "Labyrinth of Lies" (german: Im Labyrinth des Schweigens). It's a historial Movie about Germany in the 1950ies and the pre-history of the "Frankfurter Ausschwitz Trails". It's a very emotional movie for me and it explains a little bit why the "german identity" is so complex and maybe difficult to understand.

How old are you? 19

School, University, Occupation or other? High School, in my Senior Years and next year I'll have my graduation.

Do you prefer hot or cold? Cold. You can always put some warm clothes on but in Summer you can't rip yourself out of your sweating skin. That's why I tend to hate Summer.

Name one fact others may not know about you? I'm too shy and too ashamed to sing in my car and in the shower, even when I'm completely alone. I'm embarrassed about my not existing Singing-Talent in front of myself.

Are you shy? It really depends on the situation. I'm surprised by myself that I tend more and more to make the first step... I was unbelievable shy in elementary and middle school!

Do you have any prefered pronouns? she/her

What's your favourite "-dere" Type? Deredere; Dandere and Hajidere. When it comes to me, I'm a wild mix out of Deredere and Hajidere. Completely fine with new peoples, almost outgoing (I identify myself as ambivert) but when it comes to my crushes... I'm a disaster.

Any pet peeves? Misunderstandings, overthinking/overintpretation of little things nobody cares about.

Rate your life 1-10. 1 being really crappy and 10 means being the best you could ever be! I'd say I'm something between 6-7. I have to work on some bad habits!

What's your main blog? This one here.

List your sideblogs and What they are used for! Omg... okay... here we go xD

tipsys-world: My personal Sideblog for all the stuff that wouldn't fit thematically into my others sideblogs. Reblogs of memes, gifs, other Fandom-Stuff, a place to tag friends with hot bts gifs/pics to make them suffer etc.

thoughts-of-tipsy: My Sideblog that's dedicated to political topics, social criticism and support of minority communities and movements.

tipsyreads-female: My Fic-Rec Blog for Writings with a female Reader!

tipsyreads-male: My Fic-Rec Blog for Writings with a male Reader!

tipsyreads-shelf: My "To-Read" Blog to collect all the fics I want to read and to built my "pile of shame" (of fanfics that I still haven't read until now...)

20. Is there anything peoples need to know about you before being friends with you?

I text long ass messages, literally half novels.

Sometimes I saw your messages but had no time that moment to reply and then forgot it... so feel always free to text me again when I still didn't answered your message after two days (max!) 😅🙈

When I know who's your bias and that you like smut, I'll make you suffer 1000%! ...up to the point until you drenched your panties or are nearly about to blow a load in your boxershorts... I'm Satans Daughter, no Joke! 😈 (Just ask my mutuals~)

I want to tag: @kay-diggle @h0esvck @hellishvu @bangtanloverboys @pinkcottonmochi @yoonjincafe @starlightauroras @joonbugsdimples @sombreboy @sugarly-laysa @mylittlestrangeandsweetworld @taesluttt @kookiesjoonies

.. I know definitely too many peoples... omg! When I forgot somebody of my mutuals, please let me know!!🙈💗💗 Anyway, when you're interested in this tag game, but you're not tagged, feel always absolutely free to join in!!!

(...and when you're tagged but you don't want to join, that's absolutely fine too!💕)

Send Love, Tipsy! 💜

[justholdingstill]

from inside the house (cockles, 1 k-ish, M)

do you think Misha and Vicki have the world’s coolest babysitter?

IDK I was just wondering because they’re both here and do they go “yeah we have to go to another book signing don’t give them sugar after 5 thaaanks”

Now is that to a teenager or to Jensen

AKA this is all @thebloggerbloggerfun‘s fault

________________________________________________________________

It’s a horror movie, Jensen says.

where the fuck did you guys get this kid?

PINEAPPLE and JELLYBEANS on PIZZA

There was a sale on at the maternity ward, Misha texts back. We traded in for the utility model

Somebody told us kids are expensive

she says she doesn’t like bacon either

what the hell, man

Okay, Dean

shut up

No you shut up 

“I’m so glad to see our children are being raised by such shining examples of maturity and wisdom,” Vicki says over his shoulder, her left eyebrow arched high over the rim of her glasses. He can’t help but lean in and kiss it.

West just started a sentence with, “when I’m old like you”

I stg, Mish

I do you a solid & drive over the border for THIS 

She laughs out loud. “So it’s going well, then.”

those had better be some pretty dynamite sexual favors, buddy

I have two words for you

rim

ming

fuck you, Jensen sends back.

oh, is it my turn?

And then they’re at the venue.

It’s still totally a trip, because he’s the Leo and he’s the television actor and he’s the former theater kid. He’s the one constantly pulling stupid shit in front of cameras, whether it’s for the love of poetry, or of philanthropy, or of Jensen’s obnoxiously pretty face. This is Old Hat, and this is decidedly Not Her Scene, and yet he’s the one sweating through his shirt while she’s the one grinning and glowing and soaking it all in. Misha curses under his breath as he settles himself in his seat and wonders how he ever let the Smug Bastard portion of his brain take the wheel and convince him that she was gonna need him to hold her hand through any of these signings.

Somebody asks her what her favourite word is; he says, “it’s probably ‘Misha’, right?“

And that gets a laugh, but then she responds, “no, it’s ‘kerning’.”

She’s nothing less than a nerdy fucking goddess, and god help him, he might be head over heels in love with his wife. 

The bookstore is packed wall-to-wall but the line moves quickly. It’s a blur of smiling faces and endless first pages and heartfelt pleasantries that leave his face aching by the time they get to step out back for a quick break. He’s been exhausted beyond belief for the last week, but it’s also kinda…awesome. The security detail nod in acknowledgement and step off once he gives the signal, and then there’s space enough to breathe. Space enough to slip an arm around her waist and let the light from his phone screen illuminate her delicate bone structure as she leans in to read the latest from Jensen.

so how long do i let them jump on the bed before they actually conk out?

was JJ like this? I don’t remember her being like this

is this what I’m in for?

oh my god what have I done? 

Timestamped for half an hour later: you owe me.

And three quarters of an hour after that comes third run of Moana shoot me now

hey, when you can sing the lyrics to Shiny in your sleep, then we’ll talk

oh NOW you respond

Mr & Mrs famous book writers

Sorry, we were busy signing books. Famously.

It’s all very glamorous

I know you have no idea what that’s like

hey, fuck you, Jensen says again.

Vicki snorts. “Well, you always did have a taste for the eloquent ones.” She grabs the phone from him, and before he can stop her, sends: Later.

Sends: Home in an hour. Be ready for us.

He doesn’t know how Jensen knows that the conversation has switched hands, but he feels the same sharp quiver of anticipation in his own gut when Jensen texts back, lightning quick, hell yes ma’am.

He’s always found it more than kind of weird to be interacting with fans and trying to hide the fact that he’s sporting a semi that won’t quit under the table at the same time, but it’s, you know. Not the first time. 

At least he’s not on stage.

Jensen is not ready for them when they get home.

Misha doesn’t remember the last time they made out in a backseat, but Vicki hadn’t stopped whispering in his ear about how they were going to wreck him since the engine turned over, and he’s never ever felt quite so self-satisfied with the external trappings of success as when he’d asked their driver, between gasps, to put up the privacy partition.  That was bucket-list hot, and she’d run so roughshod over the last threads of his self-control that he’d been raring to go pretty much as soon as they’d walked in the door… 

…only to get into the living room and find Jensen fast asleep on the couch with Maison tucked under one arm. West is at his feet, curled up under a blanket, his hand still in the bowl of popcorn.

“Fuck,” he says.

It’s the second most beautiful thing he’s ever seen.

The emotional whiplash is shockingly intense; suddenly he’s gotta take a lap, which just means he wanders around in dazed circles for a minute while Vicki’s in the bathroom, and ends up in the kitchen, elbows on the counter and his hands fisted in his hair, trying to come to terms with how excessively, astonishingly lucky he is that somehow, all of this is his. His wife, their children, their house, his career, that ridiculously attractive man in there who has a ridiculously attractive wife of his own and a life that dreams are made of. A guy who released an album of his own, like, yesterday, and he has to work tomorrow but he’s here getting his fingernails painted and his ass kicked on the trampoline by a nine year old just…because.

Because.

Oh yeah, it’s kind of awesome.

Vicki reels him in by his belt loop, gently pulls his hands away and resettles them down around her waist. She tugs him in tight against her and then crushes the breath out of him, forehead to forehead, nose to nose, and it’s perfect.

“I love you” comes so easily. It’s an embarrassment of riches.

West is way too damn heavy for this anymore, but he barely wakes up when Misha hauls him into his arms with a groan and carries him up to bed, even though with his hips he really shouldn’t. Maison goes a little easier, though she perks up when her head hits the pillow and demands a chapter of The Golden Compass, and by the time Misha gets the lights and gets back downstairs Jensen’s awake too, soft-eyed and yawning, and he and Vicki are into that bottle of mead they brought back from the island in the summer. It tastes like liquid sunshine when it spills from Jensen’s mouth into his.

And oh yeah. 

It’s kind of awesome.

[wikipediathefreeencyclopedia]

compilation of my favorite otp prompts 5

tag

cute weather/seasonal AUs your OTP [x]

when it rains

who wears the designer raincoat/umbrella set and who is wearing oversized polkadot rainboots and a huge yellow duck raincoat

going for a walk in the rain and splashing in puddles

which one seduces the other into standing under a tree before shaking the branch and soaking them

gOING SWIMMING IN THE RAIN and making out maybe 

fall (aka autumn)

who buys mulled cider, who buys hard cider

who wears the really intense halloween costume, who wears a sheet with holes in it 

snow/winter

Who builds the snowman, who eats the carrot nose bc they weren’t paying attention (”OH THATS what the carrot was for, my bad”)

oh no we stayed out too long and need to warm up better share the shower/hot chocolate to conserve resources

person A burying person B in snow and then kissing their forehead and walking away (“YOU MOTHERFUCKER YOU CANT LEAVE ME HERE” “I love you too I’ll be back!” “EXCUSE ME”) 

imagine your competitive otp [x]

making ridiculous bets on whose wind-up toy will win the race (may include sabotage)

having a food competition (with a food both of them hate)

having a cake-baking competition

sabotaging each other in mario kart

Some height difference things for your OTP [x]

The taller one sitting on the floor between the shorter one’s knees as the shorter one braids/plays with their hair. 

The shorter one tackle-hugging the taller one when they come home from some sort of trip, hoping that they’ll both fall to the floor in a pile of limbs and cuddles/kisses, but unfortunately the shorter one isn’t strong/heavy enough and they both remain standing. 

Bonus: to compensate, the taller one decides to pick the shorter one up. 

The shorter one having to sprawl like half their body across the taller one whenever they ride the bus/train so as to give the taller one all the leg room.

Or, the shorter one sitting down and immediately noticing that their feet don’t touch the floor, becoming embarrassed by this, and then pretending that they’d rather just snuggle up super tight with the taller one.

Bonus: the taller one realizes exactly what’s going on but says nothing. Or teases them endlessly about it, up to you.

The shorter one physically sitting in the taller one’s lap.

The taller one standing behind the shorter one and putting their arms around their shoulders, then resting their chin on top of the shorter one’s head. 

Bonus if they’re watching the stars/sunset/ocean together.

Imagine your OTP: Orchestra edition [x]

‘I didn’t bring my music but you gave me your extra copy and I blurted out that I loved you, and we could have awkwardly moved past that but then you accidentally said that you loved me back’

‘I was in the very back row of your concert so I could barely see the stage but I was so impressed with your performance that I decided to hang around and see if I could meet you, and it turns out that you are actually very cute holy shit’

AU List #3 (Theme: Jobs/Work) [x]

“You stood up for me against that really rude costumer who almost made me cry, thank you.”

random aus to consider though [x]

we pulled an all nighter trying to play monopoly and i think i may have confessed some weird shit

Hospital OTP Prompts [x]

I’m a bit loopy on the drugs they gave me for the pain and I told you that I love you and it’s the only thing I remember afterwards AU

The doctor is constantly telling you off cause you keep making my heart beat go faster when you’re talking to me AU

Things I need to be written [x]

person B is a half mermaid and person A orders the salmon for the both of them

Who wants some AUs? [x]

“‘You’re gonna get a cold if you stand out in the rain!’” AU

“I’m on the swings at the park and looking real depressed why did you come over to talk to me?” AU

Weird OTP Prompts for all your fanfiction needs [x]

You’re colourblind, and I managed to get you glasses that will let you see all the colours, but instead of being amazed, you’re just really offended by the colour purple, and you’re yelling at me for wearing a purple shirt.

“Do you masturbate?” “I–I’m sorry, do I know you?” “No, now answer the question.”

I’m colourblind, and you gave me these really awesome glasses that let me see colour, and I’m pretending to really hate the colour purple because I want you to take your shirt off. But really, purple is a fucking ugly colour.

Some of my actual experiences in musicals/plays... [x]

hey we’ve never talked before so now we’re playing love interests how about that AU

hey we’ve been good friends for years so now we’re playing love interests how about that AU

I play a police officer and at one point I get to arrest and drag your character offstage and I’m having a little too much fun with it AU

Did somebody say OTP PROMPTS? [x]

Person A dips Person B (like the dance move, but then get distracted and drops them).

A walking in on B absolutely killing it at Just Dance.

Person B wins Person A a gigantic stuffed animal at the fair.

Person B reading to Person A on the couch to help them fall asleep.

A and B having no mercy on each other in Super Smash Bros.

Person A playfully teasing Person B about how cute they are.

your otp finding each other annoyingly endearing [x]

you’re so stoic or deadpan most of the time but when you get flustered your face lights up red like a beacon and it’s so cute.

you have no idea what personal space is and it’s really distracting when your face is two inches away from mine, what if i turn my head and accidentally kiss you

you don’t like snuggling or a lot of touching but when you’re asleep you’re a cuddler for better or for worse

MORE AUs for you [x]

you’re a magician and you pick me to be your assistant for a trick but the real magic is how you managed to slip your phone number to me while you were sawing me in half au

I made my thousandth paper crane and wished to find my soulmate and the next day you move in next door to me what does this mean au

AUs based (loosely) on things that have happened to me recently [x]

I just watched you fill up a container with dry dog food biscuit by biscuit what the hell are you doing

76 OTP prompts list [x]

Person B is reeaaaaaally tired, but Person A is super, super energetic and loud. Trying to get Person A to shut up, Person B kisses Person A.

Imagine person A of your OTP relentlessly flirting with B in public, just to see B blush.

Imagine Person A of your OTP seeing Person B with bed hair for the first time, and being totally blown away by how cute/hot/etc. they look with their hair being a huge mess. Bonus: if Person A gets flustered when Person B pokes fun at them for liking it.

Imagine your OTP getting in a fight and one of them yelling that they love the other one and then it gets really quiet.

Imagine your OTP cuddling under a blanket on a cold winter night. Person A gently wrapping their arms around Person B and lightly kissing down their neck making Person B shiver from something other than the cold outside.

Imagine your OTP running into each other under the mistletoe. Person A blushes and goes to suggest that they don’t have to kiss but Person B cuts them off with a kiss.

Imagine person A walking out of the bathroom after a shower, half-naked and wreathed in steam, and B immediately dropping whatever they were holding. Bonus if it’s an animal which gives them the stink eye before slinking away.

Imagine your OTP living in a dorm. Person A thinks that person B is kinda cute, but otherwise doesn’t feel much for them. Person A goes to borrow a textbook from person B and walks in on person B in their pajamas with their hair all messed up and person A thinks it’s the cutest thing ever.

Imagine person A of your otp is reading a book late at night and person B can’t sleep so they ask person A to read to them so person A starts reading out loud and a few minutes later person B is completely knocked out and person A gives them a kiss on their forehead.

Being on the brink of admitting their feelings for each other but then getting interrupted.

“You were trying to reach for a box of cereal and a whole shelf’s-worth of cereal boxes fell on you here let me help”

OTP Prompts [x]

Imagine Person A seeing Person B and just having the most powerful, undeniable urge to have sex. Just out of the blue with no provocation except for Person B’s existence. Bonus if they’re having conflicting feelings about acting upon the urge because they’re in public.

no title [x] 

‘i keep bumping into you everywhere and you’re starting to get weirded out but i’m not stalking you it’s just a string of coincidences i swear no wait let me explain’ au

Random OTP Prompts [x]

Everyone I talk to mentions you at some point and I didn’t get it but now we’ve met and I do. I definitely do.

We knew each other when we were like 2 years old because our moms are friends and we haven’t seen each other since but now your family is visiting and you’re a lot hotter than you were when you were a toddler.

Everyone thinks I have a crush on your friend but actually I like you which is even more embarrassing.

Reunited AUs [x]

“we’re texting for the first time in forever and i told you about some stupid thing i did and sent a sarcastic ‘you must really miss me, huh’ and you just replied ‘yes’ and i think my heart just broke” au

Spoopy Halloween AU’s for ur OTP!!! [x]

we were supposed to go on a double date to this horror movie but neither of our dates showed up and it’s really just our friends trying to get us together 

we both got dragged to this stuffy Halloween party by our parents wanna kiss in the corner? 

[she-is-tim]

Neighbours pt 2

Lucas is a young, exhausted musician who just tries to relax, while Eliott is the overexcited, dubstep loving artist who lives next door.

Aka Lucas confronts his annoying neighbour who turns out to be gorgeous

WARNING slight angst is incoming!

Previous chapter here

Sunday 9:35

Eliott was struggling in bed, he already kicked the blanket off of himself hours ago. It wasn’t the usual struggling though, he just couldn’t sleep much since his adorable and kind neighbour spent hours at his place yesterday. His couch still had some of his sweet smell on it, that nearly drove him crazy. He grabbed his phone and looked through instagram just to forget about it for now. 

He scrolled through some nice and funny posts when something came to his mind, he decided to search for Lucas on there. Not like he wanted to stalk him, but he was really curious. It took him a while to find the profile, but there was him. Lucas der Deutscher. Eliott chuckled and looked through his posts, being really careful not to like any of them. There were some silly pictures of Lucas, pics of nice food, snacks, a theatre, but there was a lot of picture with this guy. He was tall, black, handsome, wearing a leather jacket. Basically every third post was about him which really bothered Eliott. He threw his phone on the pillows and sighed.

An hour later he crawled out of the bed, walking to the bathroom. He brushed his teeth, washed his face and decided to shave too. He looked horrible, the bags under his eyes started to make him look like his spirit animal. 

After he was done, he put on some clothes, light grey jeans and a black shirt with an unzipped hoodie. He wasn’t really fan of flashy, colorful clothing, he liked his dark shirts and jackets. It was fitting his personality.

He walked to the living room, looking at the couch. He remembered how beautiful Lucas looked as he sat there, smoking with him, telling silly stories. His heart was beating faster as he looked at the wall, the barricade that separated him from that gorgeous being. He wanted to just grab a sledgehammer and destroy it, so he could see Lucas everyday. He shook his head. Stop it!

Lucas woke up early, making coffee and a light breakfast for himself. He was sitting in the kitchen, his laptop in front of him, watching a show on Netflix as he ate. His mornings were usually like this, but now he barely could concentrate on what was going on on the screen. His thoughts were circling around Eliott since last night. The way he smiled, the  way he blew a smoke ring like it was an ordinary thing to do. Everything about him was so thrilling, exciting for Lucas. He hasn’t really been in a relationship since he realized that he’s gay. He had two girlfriends before Sara and Chloé. Both of them were clingy and Lucas was just scared to accept his sexuality, so he went with the moment. Thank god he managed to escape that web of lies.

His phone started buzzing, so he paused the show, he didn’t even realize that it was still going and checked his phone. It was a text from Yann, his best friend. Lucas smiled.

From Yann: Morning dude! How’s it going? 

To Yann: G’morning! I have shit to tell, wanna have a video chat? 

From Yann:  Give me 10 minutes

To Yann:  You got it!

He finished his breakfast, drank his coffee and put the plate and mug in the sink, he will wash them later. He then sat back to the table, waiting for Yann’s call. It took him a bit more than 10 minutes, but finally he recieved a video call which he immediately answered. His best friend smiled at him brightly, tho he still looked a bit sleepy, he must have just wake up. Lucas was really grateful to have a friend like him. 

“Hey there! What’s up, Lulu?” Yann asked with his usual enthusiasm. He was always caring and kind with Lucas, except when they were teasing each other. 

“I’m doing okay, I have some news.” he said with a big smile. He had to tell somebody about Eliott, because otherwise he would convince himself that it was just a dream, nothing else.

“I’m all ears.” 

“I met a really hot guy yesterday. But like really, really hot.” he started. “He is tall, handsome, an artist and he has the most beautiful smile.” he said excitedly.

“Where did you meet him? At the coffee shop?” he asked curiously. Lucas used to talk about hot guys that came and go at his workplace from time to time. 

“No, dude, listen. He is my fucking neighbour!” he said seriously. Yann was surprised, he didn’t remember ever seeing Lucas’ neighbour, while he was basically visiting his friend every week at least once. 

“Your neighbour? I thought your neighbour is some kind of sick old lady who never leaves the building.” he said surprised. 

“And I thought it’s some stupid punk asshole.” he shrugged. “I tried to play the piano yesterday when he started to blast dubstep so loud my head started to hurt from it. So I went out, banging on his door, ready to yell at his stupid face, then I just couldn’t talk. He was so fucking gorgeous.” he explained, shivering a little as he remembered how it struck him seeing Eliott for the first time.

Yann chuckled and leaned closer to the camera. “Is my Lulu having a crush?” he asked a bit teasingly. Lucas blushed now and looked away. “Yes, he does! Lulu has a crush! Lulu has a cruuuush!” Yann was basically singing on the other side of the call. 

“Stop it, I don’t have a crush.” he said, but he could hear how that wasn’t true. He sighed and leant back on his chair. “Maybe I have a crush on him.” he admitted. 

“Okay, so is there any plan? I mean you wanna ask him out? Is he into guys too?” he asked, honestly being interested in his best friends now existing love life. 

“I don’t know... I mean, he invited me into his place.” he mumbled and then told Yann shortly what happened yesterday. His friend listened carefully, sometimes nodding or making a noise to let him know he’s still listening. “So yeah, he’s coming over today.” he finished it, looking at Yann now. 

“Woah, that’s a lot to process, bro.” he said honestly. “But if you ask me, I think you should go with it. I mean he clearly seems to be into you and not just wanna be friends. And I am sure he will fall for you hard after you play the piano.” he added with a wide smirk, Lucas felt relieved and smiled back. 

“What would I do without you?” 

“Probably sleep under a bridge somewhere in Paris.” he smirked. “But I got your back, bro. Just let me now how the date went, okay?” 

“It’s not a date.” he mumbled.

“Of course it’s a date. See ya later.” he said giggling and ended the call.

Lucas spent the rest of his morning cleaning and making sure Eliott won’t feel like he’s coming to a messed up musicians place. He picked up the music sheets from the floor, put away the laundry, organized his books on the shelf at least three times. He was super nervous, he couldn’t even eat lunch, so he was just standing in front of his opened wardrobe, trying to find the perfect outfit. He usually wore sweatpants and a loose shirt, but he had to impress his visitor. Yesterday was so sudden he didn’t even think of that Eliott saw his stupid grey sweatpants that had black violin keys all over it. So embarrassing. 

He decided to put on nice, sky blue jeans and a dark red shirt. He tried to fix his hair to not look like he just got out of bed. It was almost 13:00 and he just got more nervous by each minute, looking at the clock on the living room wall as he walked around his coffee table. Sometimes he glanced at his piano too, then his couch that was just behind his instrument. Eliott is going to sit there, watching him play the piano. He suddenly remembered that his guest might wanna smoke, so he looked for an old ashtray he had only because Arthur and Basile used to some at his place when they had a gathering here. He put it on the coffee table and looked at the door now. He can come at any second. 

Sunday 12:34

Eliott was circling around in his living room, holding a joint in his hands. He couldn’t stop thinking about Lucas and that he’s about to see him in a few minutes. He felt anxious, he couldn’t breathe properly which wasn’t a good sign. Probably the lack of sleep, the booze and weed from yesterday didn’t help him to feel better today. He sat down on the couch, leaning back, trying to normalize his breathing just as his therapist taught him. He put the joint behind his ear and grabbed his phone.

His hands were shaking so badly, he needed a few tries to type and send a message. He couldn’t let Lucas see him in this condition, what would he think of him? That couldn’t happen. It broke his heart that he can’t watch him play the piano.

To Lucille: I need you. Come over, please.

He threw the phone away, because he hated the fact, that he had to contact her again. It was inevitable, she was the only one who could handle his anxiety attacks and his depression. He needed her, even though he wanted someone else. He could never want Lucas to see this side of him, this weak, vulnerable Eliott who was wheezing on his couch, grabbing his shirt like it helps him not to fall into the pit of darkness.

“C’mon, Lucille.” he mumbled into the silence of his living room. 

Sunday 13:25

Lucas was a bit worried, Eliott seemed excited yesterday to come over, but he wasn’t showing up. He decided to go and check on him, just to see if he’s okay. His chest hurt because he was truly worried about the tall boy. He exited his apartment and in that exact moment he saw a beautiful, brunette girl standing on the hallway, giving a kiss to Eliott before walking into his apartment with him. 

Lucas felt betrayed and heartbroken, even though he only spent a couple hours with his neighbour, he felt like they had something, some connection that was special. But he was wrong. Eliott never really wanted anything from him, he was just a flirty person in general. Lucas felt so stupid, he should never had such high expectations from this, life has never been kind to him when it came to love. He was destined to be single. 

He sat down to the piano, taking a deep breath. He started to play Debussy’s Claire de lune. He let the soft music to fill his living room, gently moving his torso to the tunes, closing his eyes as he played. He wanted to forget Eliott, forget the world and just live for the music that was always his way to escape reality. Life sucks.

[yoonminfiction]

Hi can you rec me some really good fics that have side Yoonmin? Main otp doesn’t matter! Thank uuuu

Oh is this going to be long

Harmless by Untested_Waters  (VHopeKook)

Jungkook is fine, really. He doesn’t need Taehyung and Hoseok’s help. Except for the fact that he is absolutely not fine and really, really needs Taehyung and Hoseok’s help.  (Rated: M)

 Crazy Is Most Definitely Genetic by CaliCocoa  (NamJin)

family!au where Jimin’s just trying to survive high school, Taehyung keeps weirding everyone out, Namjoon is an embarrassing dad, Jin is supermom, and Jungkookie’s just along for the ride.  

Can I Get Your Dewey Decimal Number? by melecs  (NamJin)

Seokjin loved working at the library, but some patrons got on his nerves. Take, for example, the grown man who sat in the corner every day and leeched off of the Wi-Fi. And Seokjin worked in the children’s department.

Hapless by Untested_Waters  (NamJin)

Seokjin’s heat comes a little early but Namjoon is still there to help him through it. (Shameful sequel to Helpless)  (Rated: M)

Will you be my Forever? by flywithtaetae (kimtaehyungs)  (TaeKook)

From the moment Jungkook turned 18, he had been excited to see the numbers appear on his wrist.

762

Just 762 days before he finally meets his soulmate.

524

374

341

And then it stops. (Rated: M)

Of clueless mates and stupid best friends by chihiro  (TaeKook)

Taehyung somehow adopts a wolf and finds himself a possessive stalker at the same time.

Jimin is 500% done with everything. (Rated: M)

Comeback Kids by rix  (TaeKook)

Taehyung is infuriating and Jungkook’s always been easy to rile up. Which isn’t the best combination, but also isn’t the worst, either.

(or: Taekook as hockey fuckboy rivals) (Rated: M)

I Bloomed For You… by Meanie_Beanie_nim  (TaeKook)

Jungkook just barely registered the warm soft skin of Taehyung’s palm, before his whole world changed. His skin prickled almost painfully, and it felt like somebody had sent a great wave of electricity crackling through him. The world went black for barely a second as a strange weight settled in his chest, and then the world came rushing back like a flood.

He looked up with wide eyes at Taehyung - no, at his soulmate - and expected to be met with the same surprised eyes as his own, but Taehyung just looked at him with a carefree smile.

“See you soon, Jungkookie,” he grinned teasingly before releasing Jungkook’s hand and turning around to leave. Jungkook stood there for several minutes, just staring at the spot where Taehyung had disappeared, with only one thought in his head.  

Why had his soulmate just left him? (Rated: M)

Hickory by rix  (TaeKook)

Jungkook should be focused on winning, but his mind’s stuck on wondering whether or not this Kim Taehyung guy fucks harder than he hits.  (Rated: M)

See You Through the Screen by pixelmins  (TaeKook)

It started when kookie97 followed kimtaetae, a popular internet blogger and superfan of the famous Korean pop idol Jeon Jeongguk.

Or: Taehyung befriends his favorite singer without even knowing it.

Hustlers by tbz  (TaeKook)

Jungkook hadn’t meant to lose nine million.

He certainly hadn’t meant to lose his kidney.

And he hadn’t meant to meet Kim Taehyung. (Rated: M)

Unwanted Butterflies by Lookingathimhurts  (TaeKook)

Jungkook and Taehyung hate each other. Except, of course, when they’re having sex. (Rated:M)

Fall Asleep (Fall For You) by drannie  (TaeKook)

“They say when you fall in love you can’t fall asleep, but now that I’ve met you I feel like I finally can.”

A University AU where Jungkook and Taehyung become roommates. But Jungkook has insomnia and can’t fall asleep with other people and Taehyung can’t fall asleep alone. (Rated: M)

chong! jojun! balsa! (point! aim! shoot!) by nutaella  (TaeKook)

jimjams ㅇㅈㅇ: listen to our parents for once, child

father: you’re a child yourself, jimin.

jimjams ㅇㅈㅇ: *gasps* rUDE

sunflower guys i’m still here

(basically taehyung is the most precious, jeongguk is two hundred percent whipped, yoongi is the best brother, seokjin is the best hyung, jimin is the bestest best friend, namjoon is so done, and hoseok is the meme king) 

Empty Spaces (Don’t Talk About It) by officialmaknae  (TaeKook)

Jeongguk has the habit of reading too much into things, especially when it comes to Taehyung. He isn’t sure how it came to this - but he knows he’s in too deep.  (Rated: M)

Testament of Youth by sugamins  (VHope)

Brotherhood [bruhth -er-hoo d] Noun.01. The condition or quality of being a brother or brothers.

As time passes on things change, as is the cycle of life. With the tick of clock fingers and the gradual shift in seasons, nothing is truly set in stone.

But what of friendship?

How deep exactly can the bonds of friendship grow, and how strong? Seven boys that are now young men might have believed they had found the answer to these questions, but they will discover just how wrong they were. Nostalgia and wanderlust, the roads and the distant shore will call once more and they are powerless to resist.

Especially at the behest of a dear friend in need of his brothers.

“Youth is not a time of life; it is a state of mind; it is not a matter of rosy cheeks, red lips and supple knees; it is a matter of the will, quality of the imagination, a vigor of the emotions; it is the freshness of the deep springs of life.”Samuel Ullman (Rated: M)

Blood, sweat and memes by wanderlash (orphan_account)  (VHope)

minsugagenius: who has been listening to cypher on repeat for the past two hoursminsugagenius: it’s driving me insane_____________jeonnochu: rudeincludemeincypherpls: ¯\ _(ツ)_/¯_____________mochimin: i’m never texting you again

Swimming With The Stars (Until We Drown) by lethallergic  (VHope)

Hoseok is a daydreamer lost in his own world. Taehyung has teeth as sharp as knives, but home in his eyes.  (Rated: M)

Really, Baby (I Will Be Just Fine) by lethallergic  (VHope)

Hoseok is a lifeguard with a strict diet and workout regime.Taehyung works at Larkburger and eats like a slob.  (Rated: M)

Death Of Our Troubled Youth by lulublue1234  (JungHope)

Jungkook doesn’t want to be a plastic person anymore.Hoseok makes him feel real.

Or

Bad boy Hoseok gets a great amount of money to play the boyfriend of a rich kid who wants to show his parents he’s a rebel too (Rated: M)

On My Life (I Swear) by SevenSoulmates  (JungHope, very minor YoonMin)

Hoseok had no idea what he got himself into when he befriended a random stranger that day on the street. He hadn’t thought anything of it, even though it kind of was a bit of an unusal circumstance. Still, how was he to know that the boy was the President’s Son, the most hidden and protected person in all of the country? Not until the day he walks into his new job as a bodyguard and gets chained to the boy himself does he realize that things are about to get a little fucked up.

Lost and Found by xxdevilishxx  (JungHope)

Sometimes people fall in love after they get married (aka spending your life tied to a stranger is hard, but Jungkook and Hoseok decide to give it a try and stumble across love along the way)

Honey, You’re an Omega by Throne  (JinKook)

Statistics show that 1 in every 7 people will be an omega. (Rated: M)

The greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to be claimed and be claimed in return. by everydayemily  (JinKook)

There had been rumors going around for months now. At the time they were just whispers behind closed doors that no one believed would come true. Until they did. Wolf activist leaders had finally came through. Idols would no longer be forced to take suppressants, and most of all they would be able to participate in the Claim.

———————————————————————————————————OrIdols are no longer forced to take suppressants and can finally let their inner wolves out, (letting them have scents, heats, and the abilities to find their mates) (Rated: M)

Of One Sided Crushes by Bookworming  (JinKook)

Jeon Jungkook has three questions for the Gods of crushes and one-sided love.One, what are you supposed to do when your crush sees you like their younger brother?Two, what are you supposed to do when your crush who sees you like their brother kisses you?Three, what are you supposed to do when your crush who sees you like their brother is drunk when they kiss you?  (Rated: M)

Anon, I hope you like this list.  It is long ( and man does it have tons of TaeKook) but enjoy it OK.

[i-am-a-closet-fanfic-fiend]

Missed Connections ~ Steve Rogers x Reader College!AU (Part 2/7)

A/N: Hi my lovelies! Happy weekend! I decided to continue this one and it refused to be put second to Primary Colors lol. Just kidding I’ve been writing both but this one got finished first so I figured I’d share. Enjoy! 

Summary: It’s been a whole semester of missed connections with Steve, will you talk to him before you head home for break? 

Characters/Pairings: Eventual Steve x Reader, Natasha, Pepper, Bruce, Tony, Wanda, Bucky, Sam, Thor, Clint and Vision mentioned (like I said, the whole gang) 

Rating: T (minor language) 

Warnings: Nothing really 

Word count: 2013 

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 

“I’m loving the earmuff and peacoat combo, y/n.”

“Thanks,” You smiled at Wanda as you waited for the subway.

“I’m partial to the pompom hat look,” Natasha grinned.

“I didn’t want to mess up my hair,” you admitted.

“Hoping to run into somebody?” Tony asked as he waggled his eyebrows.

You glared at Pepper’s boyfriend who shrugged as he held her hand. “I’m going to take that as a yes.”

Tony had been extremely amused when he heard about your “ships in the night” romance as he liked to call it. And he took every opportunity to tease you about it.  

“If you run into him today, will you please talk to him?” Pepper begged.

Your friends had been pressuring you to strike up a conversation all semester, but so far you had only managed to smile and wave (which you considered an accomplishment). The conversation was interrupted when the subway arrived and you all hurried in. Luckily the car was almost empty so you sat on either side of the aisle.

“So? Will you?” Tony prompted.

“I’ll think about it.”

“Come on, running into him on campus is one thing. Running into him roaming around the city is a sign.”

“Okay, maybe it’s a sign,” you conceded. “If I see him tonight, I’ll go say hi.”

Your friends cheered, excited you were finally going to take a leap.

“How come it wasn’t a sign when we saw him at the museum?”

“Bruce!” you hissed.

“Wait, wait, wait. You saw him at the museum?”

You sighed and glared at Bruce before answering.

“We may have passed each other when we were roaming through the modern art wing.”

“And the Aztec wing, and the China wing,” Bruce added unhelpfully.

“So that’s why you were so happy when you got back. I assumed you just really liked art.”

You rolled your eyes at Pepper’s observation.

“That boy’s face is art,” Wanda sighed wistfully.

“Forget about his face. His ass is art.” Nat winked at you and you flushed scarlet.

It was a relief when you finally got to the tree lighting, because your friend’s were too busy enjoying the holiday cheer to rag on you. The six of you roamed around, popping into stores to do some holiday shopping.

The rest of your friends went to stake out a good spot to watch the tree lighting from while you purchased the ornaments you had picked out for your parents. By the time you had made it through the line, the marketplace was filled to the brim and you had no idea where your friends were.

When none of them answered your calls or texts you decided to just weave through the crowd towards the front. You had made it about twenty feet when you saw him. He and his friends stood well above most of the crowd and even in the chaos his laugh was recognizable.

You froze. He hadn’t seen you yet and you still had no idea where your friends were. You could either walk towards him and hope he noticed you or you could walk the total opposite direction. Before you could make your decision you heard Nat yell your name.

You finally spotted your friends standing on the stone wall that surrounded one of the trees. You caught her eye and waved and started weaving through the crowd. Once you had fought your way through to them you eyed the two foot wall warily.

“Get up here, y/n!”

You planted your foot on the wall and pushed with all of your might but it wasn’t quite enough and you were quickly falling backwards. Before you could hit the ground though, a pair of hands grabbed you and pulled you up.

“Thanks, Bruce.”

“No problem. You alright?’ He asked still holding onto your hands.

You nodded and self-consciously fixed your jacket as you glanced at your friends. Clint and Viz had joined the group so everyone was paired off except for you and Bruce. You and he shared a wry smile as you stood together.

Tony had tried to set you up on multiple occasions. And Bruce was a good friend but you just weren’t attracted to him. Besides he had a massive crush on this girl, Betty, in your bio lecture. Still more often than not you were the awkward single friends together. It was a comfortable arrangement, so it was no surprise when he wrapped an arm around your shoulder and you wrapped yours around his waist.

As you listened to the last few performers before the tree was lit, your eyes scanned the crowd. You easily spotted Steve and his friends. They were all looking at you, but before you could smile and wave, they abruptly turned around and you frowned.

Hoping it was just a coincidence you focused on the music and the lights. It really was beautiful. Once the crowd thinned after the tree was lit, your group made your way to the front to take pictures. Once Tony started formulating plans to steal an ornament off the tree that was surrounded by security guards, you all decided it was time to go.

When you got back to your dorm you passed Steve on the way to the elevator and smiled and waved, but his return smile was just a bit dimmer than normal. You wanted to say something but before you had the chance he was gone.

You didn’t have time to look for or even really think about Steve in the following week. You were in the Science building by five a.m. every morning and you left long after midnight. You pretty much only came out to take your exams.  

By the time you finished your last final (you had the last exam slot in the entire week, naturally) you were exhausted and all you wanted was food and your bed. You groaned internally when you walked into the dining hall and realized they had closed the majority of it since most people had headed home.

You unenthusiastically loaded your plate with pizza and grabbed a drink before trying to find a seat. Clearly the dining hall had overestimated how many people would leave early for the holidays because every chair was taken and every booth was filled. You made one final loop before spotting an empty chair at a corner table, a table full of Steve’s friends, although he was nowhere in sight.

You took a deep breath and forced yourself to walk over to them. You felt like there was lead in your stomach as you approached the rambunctious table.

They abruptly stopped talking when they noticed you.

“Hi,” you squeaked out. “Do you mind if I borrow that chair?”

There weren’t really any open tables but you could just sit in a corner somewhere.

“Why don’t you just join us?” The dark haired boy who you saw Steve with most often offered.

“I don’t want to bother you,” you shook you head slightly.

He grinned and you knew immediately he was aware of how charming he was.  

“You’re not, doll. I promise.”

“Well, thank you. I’m y/n by the way.”

“Bucky. It’s nice to meet you.”  

You slid into the open chair and took a sip of your water as the other two guys introduced themselves. Their names were Thor and Sam.

“So, y/n, what’s your major?” Sam asked.

“General biology. For now,” you added before biting into your pizza.  

“Are you thinking about changing?”  

“Probably not changing, but I might specialize. What about you guys?”

“Poli Sci and Econ,” Thor reported. “Kind of a family thing.”

He didn’t sound thrilled and you nodded understandingly.

“I’m a psych major. And Bucky’s an engineer,” he added elbowing him when he noticed his friend was busy texting.

“What?” he looked up suddenly. “Yeah. Engineer.”

“I’ve seen you around the science building,” you admitted nonchalantly.

You so desperately wanted to ask about Steve but you didn’t want to be creepy. They all smirked though at your comment. Obviously you hadn’t gone unnoticed.

“Stevie and I have seen you around too.”

“Oh is he an engineer too?”

Bucky snorted slightly.

“No. He’ll probably be bio. He’s pushing off declaring an actual major until the last possible second. Aka May of this year. But he is pre-med. Which is why we’re taking orgo right now. Actually, I think we have orgo with your boyfriend.”

You gave him a confused look.

“I don’t have a boyfriend.”

Sam and Thor looked smug and Bucky looked relieved.

“Really? Dark-haired, glasses, really smart.”

It clicked then.

“Oh you mean, Bruce.”

“Yeah. Him.”

“We’re not dating,” You chuckled. “We’re just the only single friends in our group so we get shoved together all the time.”  

“Got it.”

After a moment of awkward silence, you asked about their plans for break.

“Sleeping. And eating home cooked meals,” Bucky grinned.

“Sounds about right,” you agreed.

“Excuse me. I’ve got to make a call.”

You smiled and turned your attention to Sam and Thor.

“What about you two?”

They were both going to spend some time hitting the slopes and their conversation quickly devolved into an argument about which snow conditions were the best. You used the distraction to finally scarf down the pizza.

When you glanced at your watch you realized that it was after nine and you still had to pack for your five a.m. flight.

“It was really nice meeting you both. I hope you have a great winter break.”

“You’re leaving?” Thor asked, disappointed.  

“I’ve got to pack. I need to be at the airport in a few hours.”

“Well, have a great break. I’m sure we’ll see you around.”

“Say bye to Bucky for me.”

You quickly dumped your dishes on the conveyor belt and exited the dining hall. You were waiting for the elevator when the fact that you were done finally hit you and you started to do a little happy dance. You weren’t expecting the doors to slide open to reveal a yawning Steve as you were doing said happy dance.

“Just finish finals?” he asked, clearly trying to hold back laughter.

“That obvious?” you asked as you switched places in the elevator.

You were surprised your voice came out as steady as it did, considering most of your brain was cataloguing what he looked after a nap (you suspected). His hair was stuck up at odd angles and he was wearing plaid pajama bottoms and a half-zipped hoodie without anything under it. Your imagination was having a field day.  

He shrugged. “That’s a classic post finals happy dance.”

The elevator started dinging angrily for you to either get in or out at the same time his phone started ringing.

“See ya. Have a good break,” you said quickly before hitting the button for your floor.

“You too. Oh, wait.”

He started to say something else but the doors closed before he got it out. You leaned against the wall heavily as you giggled to yourself. You were slightly mortified but mostly you were just giddy.

As you were waiting to board your plane, your phone vibrated twice. Once for a facebook notification and once for a text from the group chat you had with the girls.

You opened the facebook notification first. It was a tag from Natasha in another Missed Connections post.

MC#578: To the beautiful y/h/c girl who I (still) see all the time. I finally got to talk to you tonight but I was too flustered by your killer post finals happy dance that I didn’t manage to catch your name. But I’m still calling it progress. Next time maybe I’ll manage to introduce myself. But for now thanks for ending my semester on a high note. Have a great break. See you in January.

You covered your mouth as you tried to suppress the giddiness that was rising. When you managed to get it under control you opened the text. It was a one word command from Nat.

Natasha (4:15AM): SPILL!

Unfortunately for her that would have to wait until you landed.

A/n: So there you go. A little bit more fluff. I am going to continue this story. I have like three more parts planned so let me know if you want to be tagged! As always thanks for reading and feedback is appreciated! 

Tag Lists are Open! 

Missed Connections Tag List @lovethroughthemiles

Steve/Chris Tag List @isaxhorror @peachykeen3502

Marvel Tag List @hdthdthdt​   @sophiatomlinson23 @misty-panther @supermusicallee

Permanent Tag List @iamwarrenspeace @jayzayy @bexboo616 @neoqueen306 @santheweird @rowenaravencalw @buckitybarnes @prxttybirdz @the-marvel-dc-peasant @samwinchxtr @broitsmydick @ailynalonso15 @nyxveracity @queenoftrash97 @walkingtravesty97

[settolow]

Liars (Jay Park x reader)

Strangers Pt. III

Type: Angst

Word count: 1,510

Characters: reader, Jay Park

Author’s Note: Hello! This is the third part of the story. Thank you so much for appreciating the first two parts. I am utterly grateful whenever I see that you guys took some time to support the story. If you enjoy this part and want part 4, please like or leave a comment. Thank you!

................................................................................................................................

You kept starring at your phone screen, hoping to receive a message from your boyfriend with a plausible excuse for what happened. You knew you couldn’t forbid him from meeting his friends and you halfheartedly accepted the fact that his ex was one of them. However, her answering his phone so comfortably felt like a huge betrayal for you. It didn’t matter how much you trusted him, that night a line had been crossed and you didn’t know how to deal with it.

You stared at the clock on your wall, mentally counting the minutes until Jay’s arrival. The ten minutes he claimed to need have passed a long time ago by the time you heard a knock on your door. You made your way towards it, ready to tell Jay that nearly an hour has passed when you saw him standing at your door, dressed in pajamas while holding a bag of McDonald’s in a hand and a simple plastic bag in the other one.

You remained in the doorway staring at him, mouth slightly agape.

“The Jay you ordered is delivered, my lady,” he smiled and made his way past you inside the house.

“Are there…are there Nuggets?”

“Yeah. The big pack thingy. And I also got some booze from home since conversations about relationships and cheating and all that crap gets really emotional.”

Almost out of reflex you closed the door, waited for him to set everything on the table and threw your arms around his neck engulfing him in a hug. His arms encircled your waist and slightly rose you from the ground, making it probably the best and highly needed hug you’ve ever had. There was nothing sexual about it, just two people having a moment of mutual understanding which you didn’t know Jay was capable off.

You two enjoyed each other’s warmth for a little longer until he put you down.

“Girl, you didn’t send any impulsive messages, did you?” He asked you suspiciously.

“Nope.”

“Good. Call him again and this time don’t hang up when the chick answers.”

Nodding, you grabbed your phone from the kitchen counter dialed your boyfriend’s number once again. It took about three rings until the same female voice answered the phone. This time they were no longer in a crowd.

“Hello,” she greeted through the speaker.

“Hi. Hello. May I please know if the owner of this phone is still alive?”

There was a short silence at the end of the other line until the girl finally answered.

“Uhm, yes. He’s in the bathroom.”

“Amazing. He won’t be after I’m done with him. Put him on the phone.”

“Who is this?” The girl asks in an annoyingly high-pitched voice.

“Tell him Y/n wants to talk to him.”

Did he not have my number saved? You thought. Was he playing us both?

The conversation is followed by another short silence until you started to hear shuffling sounds from the other line. Less than a few seconds later your boyfriend’s voce could be heard through the speakers.

“Y/n I’m not cheating on you if that’s what you think,” he said desperately. “You have to listen to me.”

“Oh, I didn’t think you were cheating on me. I thought you were playing Monopoly.”

“Y/n, we’re just working on a project!”

“Ok. Have fun working on the project. I think I’ve had enough in those 5 months of relationship.” You retorted, hanging up the phone.

Meanwhile, Jay was slouched on your armchair, a Nugget in a hand and a bottle of champagne in the other. “That was, like, the driest breakup I’ve ever seen. No tears, no curse words, no phone fighting. What was that?”

You took a pillow from the couch and pretended to throw it in his direction.

“Wait, wait! This champagne expensive.”

“Let me taste it,” you requested as you made your way towards him.

“No, that’s mine. I bought that for you,” he motions towards the cupboard where an unopened bottle of vodka was placed.

“Really, Jay?”

“What? Isn’t Vodka the international drink for bad ass bitches who dump guys like it’s their hobby?”

“You just made that up so you won’t have to share, you little phlegm!”

He started laughing at your indignation, clearly enjoying the situation.

“But seriously now,” his face suddenly became devoid of any amusement, “I think you were too good for that guy. You need somebody who’s never going to put themselves in a position to lose you. Doesn’t matter if he did cheat or not. Hanging out with his ex was a shady thing to do. You did the right thing.”

He stood up from the armchair and made his way to the kitchen from where he came back with two glasses.

“It’s time to have fun. I didn’t see your boyfriend before, but his voice seemed like he was ugly,” Jay commented which made you laugh out loud. Of course, your now ex-boyfriend was nowhere near as attractive as Jay Park, but who was honestly?

You two started drinking and watching a Netflix series you both enjoyed immensely. Being with Jay made you forget about how messed up the situation you were in actually was. Your phone kept buzzing and ringing, indicating the arrival of a bunch of text messages.

By the time your phone rang for the third time, both you and Jay rose from the sofa and grabbed it. Before you could hit the reject button, Jay grabbed it from your hand and accepted the call.

“Talk to him,” he muttered with a mischievous expression on his face.

Frowning at him and mentally cursing his stupid decision, you brought the phone to your ear.

“What is it now?” You asked but the response became a blur when Jay’s hand started caressing the inside of your thigh. You felt your breath hitch in your throat when you felt it go upwards without any sign of him stopping. You tried to shift on the couch so his hand will drop from your thigh, however, Jay seemed absolutely set on finishing what he had planned.

“—really sorry if—” was the only thing you understood from the last phrases your ex was relentlessly explaining “—just a friend—.”

You closed your legs tightly, making it impossible for Jay to continue his sudden assault. However, your gesture only gave him other ideas. You let out a moan as his lips caressed your neck, his hand still strapped between your thighs.

“Y/n, are you alright?” You ex asked out of a sudden.

“S-sure. I just stubbed my toe.”

“That’s funny,” he laughed, “because you sounded as if you were moaning.”

Suddenly you felt Jay hover over you, making you lean back on the sofa. His lower body was pressed against yours allowing you to feel just how much he was enjoying the game. He bit down on the sensitive skin on your neck, making you lose your concentration completely.

Out of a sudden, jay grabs the phone from your hand, bringing it to his ear. “Hello. Here is Jay Park aka Mr. Steal Your Girl’s panties. Y/n is busy right now, fam. Let me do my job and make her only remember my name.”

As soon as he finished his spontaneous speech, Jay hung up the phone letting out a laugh he had been probably stifling. He stood up from the couch, letting you recompose yourself which was kind of disappointing since you were ready to rip your clothes off and push him towards your bedroom.

“What the hell was that?” You asked incredulously.

“Me helping you demonstrate that you do no give a fuck about his cheating ass? Chill, I know we’re just friends”

Liar.

Guess I’m a liar too because I don’t believe it either.

“And how did you do that? If anything, he probably thinks I’m a hoe.” And I’m also really hot and bothered right now, thanks to you.

“I think I helped you show him that your life moves on even after he betrayed you. You found somebody waaaay better,” he stated proudly.

“Aw,” you cooed, “does big baby man Jay need a compliment?”

“That too, but mainly I need you too let me crash at your house tonight since I can’t drive home.”

“No problem,” you smiled lust still clouding both his and your eyes.

Keeping this friendship thing is tuning out to be harder than I thought.

As the weeks passed, you kept hanging out with Jay whenever you two had time. Sometimes you felt as if he was ready to confess and you were eager to hear those words from his mouth. However, what you were not expecting was for him to message you one day, saying that his ex-girlfriend wanted to meet up.

His ex as in the only girl he fell in love with.

The girl his stupid song entitled ‘The Truth Is’ was about.

And that crushed your heart to pieces.  

To be continued in part 4…

Part I (Strangers)

Part II (Friends)

••••••••••••••••••••Part IV ••••••••••••••••••••••

..............................................................................................................................

[blackpercy]

Track by track breakdown of EMOTION by carly rae jepsen aka LA jasico bible

Run Away With Me: Jason and Nico are mutual friends at a party and they have been cruising each other all night. They kick it off and Nico is like do you want to go smoke in my car? They end up hooking up in said car. They, in high and post sex fashion, decide to go to a diner. They cant find one so they decide to get MCDs and sit out by the beach for a while. They hook up again. They come back to the house and everyone is like ??? Where did you guys go.

Emotion: They switch numbers but they are both too ridiculous to text or call or anything. (This song is about jacking off) So they have to just think about that night until they see each other again at another get together their friends are having. They hook up in the bathroom.

I Really Like You: Nico and Jason start hanging out. They are fucking casually and just chilling as friends. Jason really wants them to be more but Nico never seemed like he wanted that so hes on the side of caution.

Gimme Love: They STILL aren't together. But Jason is taking all he can get and if Nico only wants him for sex that's 200% okay with him. On the other hand, Nico thinks Jason doesn't like him like that and hes pining too!! MUTUAL PINING!!

All That: Jason has a really fucking shitty day and he calls Nico over. Nico comes over expecting sex but Jason is just like could just hold me for a while and nico is there as a supporting person and they are falling even more in love with each other

Boy Problems: ((annabeth breaks up with boyfriend and calls Piper who's been crushing on her hard and Annabeth is maybe in love with her and she doesnt know what to do))

Making The Most Of the Night: Nico has a shitty day and Jason is like come on we are going to the club and I just love the idea of Jason and Nico zooming on his motorcycle to the club and going their home club with all their friends and it's just happy and gay and that's all you need sometimes to throw back some shots with your best friends and get your dick sucked in an alleyway!!! WOO BABY!!

Your Type: Nico is afraid of all these emotions he has for Jason so he hooks up with a guy. Jason tries not be ticked off because hell they aren't dating. But Jason hasnt slept with anyone but Nico in months. He gets super mad and basically ghosts Nico. Nico starts dating this guy, who is honestly a really nice guy, but hes bringing him around all of their friends. And one day Jason can't take it and drunkenly tells Nico that's hes been in love with him for so long. And obvi, Nico is SHOOK!! you just dont tell someone that!! And Nico is like I have to process this fucking shit. And Jason thinks hes fucked up severely.

Lets Get Lost: But after Nico breaks up with his boyfriend and talks to his therapist about his commitment issues, Nico calls Jason up like hey do want to meet up? They meet up and Jason takes Nico back to the beach where they first hung out at. They hook up.

L.A Hallucinations: ((Annabeth is starting to become famous and is struggling with it. She finds herself at a party where she knows no one and really needs somebody and she calls Piper. Piper comes to get her of course. TMZ speculates that they are dating. However, Annabeth's label is trying to push her as the next straight pop girl and Annabeth isnt ready to come out. Piper understands but she doesnt know if she can go back in the closet with Annabeth. The struggle of LA girls who love each other but are famous...))

Warm Blood: ((Cartercy Prelude))

When I Needed You isnt a part of the narrative I'm trying to make here...

[commajade]

game thing

tagged by @bi-kim-seokjin

last

drink: had to hike up a hill for water goddamn

call: my friend in hawaii who needed help on her presentation in korean 102 about bts

text: @bi-kim-seokjin

song you listened to: FEAR. by kendrick lamar

time you cried: last night?

have you ever

dated someone twice? no

kissed someone and regretted it? mildly but not really

been cheated on? no

lost someone special? too often

been depressed? always

gotten drunk and thrown up? YES gross almost died

favourite colours: yellow pink blue purple

in the last year have you

made any new friends? so many

fallen out of love? killed 2 crushes rest in pieces affection for people

laughed so hard you cried? a lot

found out somebody was talking about you? yeah but in a good way

met someone who changed you? always always i met at least a dozen people who changed me this month especially 

found out who your friends were? fuck yeah but i kinda knew

kissed someone in your fb friends list? two

general

how many people from your fb friends list do you know in real life? all

do you have any pets? in my dreams

do you want to change your middle name? don’t have one but i go by a nickname my mom gave me when i was born so i could change that

what did you do for your birthday last year? my family drove up and we got thai food and they got me a cake! 

what time did you wake up today? 6am cuz i have 11 bug bites and hate my life

what were you doing last night at midnight? talking to my friend in her room

what’s something you can’t wait for? to get a gf :’)

what are you listening to right now? entirety of hive mind by the internet over and over

have you ever talked to someone called tom? a thomas yes

something that gets on your nerves: my boss

most visited websites: google sleepytime tumblr spotify

hair colour: dark brown with blonde ish highlights at the top and ombre with blonde and light pink that used to be purple

short or long hair: currently have shoulder length hair and i want short hair eventually 

crush on anyone? i’m dating someone rn but one other crush refuses to go quiet into that goodnight

what do you like about yourself? my intelligence my hair my clothes lately how articulate i am how deeply i think my resilience my capacity for love 

want any piercings? yES pls i want a lotta earrings and maybe a nose stud way in the future

blood type? b

nicknames? don’t really have any? people used to call me amby. one friend calls me april.

relationship status: kind of dating someone but idk if i should break it off cuz i got commitment issues and internalized homophobia for daysss

zodiac sign: most of my problems r cuz im an aquarius sun cancer moon. gemini rising. 

pronouns: they/them 

favourite show: currently please like me and shinee’s back webseries and forever fave is like avatar

tattoos: WANT SO BAD. i want one on my ankle that says “it’s okay!” in korean in my mom’s handwriting with the lesbian symbol in the last syllable

righty or lefty? Right

ever had surgery? uh got stitches in my mouth when i was a baby and also got my wisdom teeth out in high school

piercings? i had earrings but they got infected 

sports? boxing and muay thai

vacation? went to barcelona and rome in febuary, going to washington dc and new york next week

eating? ate some jack in the box curly fries at 10:30pm and before that i got some sushi and hummus and tzatziki and pita bread from a farmers market

drinking? got a rly good rose milk tea with sea salt foam and boba a couple days ago from quickly it was transcendent. had some cheap cute wine from target last week it was p nice. my usual is a college vodka cran aka i pregame by pouring 8-10 shots of vodka in a mug, knocking it back, and drinking as much cranberry juice as i can to mask the taste

about to watch? i haven’t finished strong woman do bong soon. i’m saving the last 2 eps of queer eye for a rainy day. need to watch more documentaries and also pose

waiting for? both my jobs to tell me whether i’m rehired for next year or not

get married? i wanna be the domestic lesbian couple of everyones dreams we’re gonna have dogs and cats and a garden

career? i just wanna write

which is better

hugs or kisses? i’ve been getting some high quality hugs lately but no kisses :(

lips or eyes? idk

taller or shorter? i usually like short girls but the one i’m currently dating is taller than me and also rly hot

younger or older? same age pls??? or older lady but that’s for a future me

nice arms or stomach? toned arms yes but also a soft belly is good

hookup or relationship? i have so many commitment issues but can’t do casual unless i’ve had a real relationship first so atm i am restricted to wanting girls to kiss me at parties and ghosting ppl after 2 dates

troublemaker or hesitant? repressed as hell but i’m getting there

have you ever

kissed a stranger? yes

drank hard liquor? yes

lost your glasses? too many times

turned someone down? yes

had sex on a first date? no

broken someone’s heart? hope so

had your heart broken? too easily

been arrested? no

cried when someone has died? always

fallen for a friend? yes

do you believe in

yourself? tenuously

miracles? deeply

love at first sight? ask me in 10 years

santa? never

kiss on the first date? sure

angels? like aliens, i want to believe

other

best friend’s name: nina

eye colour: brown

favourite movie? hmmmmmmm. the handmaiden, 10 things i hate about you

favourite actor? currently tessa thompson pls marry me

tagging anyone who wants to do it