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hopelessromanticvirgo · 4 years

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Ground Control To Us

Sobbe social media au 7.10

Chapter 7.9

18.10.2020

Robbe is late.

He is two minutes late and no matter how much that fact worries Sander, he doesn't want to make it like it's a big deal, even if it really is for him. He can definitely wait but the thought of him not showing up makes his head spin and he can't stand still. He keeps nervously shifting on his legs and looking around, wanting and waiting to catch a glimpse of Robbe's brown hair somewhere but he's not here.

Not only the weather is too hot to even breath in, the excitement and the nervousness is making him more sweaty, he keeps brushing his palms down on his jeans.

He's not proud but he changed into eight different outfits this morning, thinking nothing was good enough but when Senne got tired of saying "it looks fine. The other one looked fine too" all the time, he literally dragged and kicked him out of the apartment so he couldn't change his clothes anymore. He texted Robbe when he left the home and he wanted to text him again to let him know that he's already here but he didn't get a reply before and now he doesn't want to seem that desperate, even if he's the definition of desperation.

Sander can't think positive and is sure that Robbe changed his mind. He knew this would happen but he was hoping that one time in his life, everything would go as he planned then out but of course, the world had a very different intention.

It's been four minutes, he's definitely not coming now.

Sander doesn't want to fell that bad since he predicted it would happen but he can't help it. He feels all his hopes and dreams are crushing down and he can't do anything but to watch it unfold.

He feels extremely uncomfortable but he decide not to give up yet, so he stays, but doesn't knows for how long.

But it doesn't really matter, since he will always stay, if there is a chance for him and Robbe to work, he's not walking away.

Meanwhile, Sander doesn't know that Robbe has been there for more than an hour already. He couldn't stay at home, too nervous, couldn't stop pacing in his room.

He has been staring at his watch, cursing how slow the time was going and also cursing it for going faster than he liked, he needed more time to get ready to see him, but he knew, all the time in this world, wouldn't be enough for him.

He still felt like this whole thing was a joke, somebody else pranking him, or even Sander, messing with him and using his vulnerability against him and no matter how much he didn't want to believe that, it was a possibility, he really didn't know this person as much as he thought he did.

Maybe he was going to stood him up, watch him wait for Sander to show up for hours but a little part of him was still judging his way of thinking and wondering if Sander'd really come so he stayed.

But all this thoughts and doubts were cleared when he saw him, walking towards the address he sent to Robbe.

The brunet's mind shut down. It wasn't the first time he was seeing him in real life but now everything was too real.

He came here for Robbe and that thought alone was so crazy, Robbe felt he was losing his mind.

He was here and he was breathtaking. Robbe has no idea how he will be able to talk normally to him, without fainting or passing out.

Robbe fortunately was sitting down closer to their destination but he was almost impossible to notice from the other side of the street since a building was keeping him from being seen.

But he could see clearly, how Sander turned around and started look for him with his eyes, leaning against the wall with his phone in his hands.

Robbe feels and hears his heart beating against his chest and that's the moment when he realizes that he can't do it, can't meet him.He already saw and made sure that all of this, everything they were doing, was real, now he didn't have to show up, did he?

He's sure, Sander would understand but sitting here, so close to him, watching like a stalker, seeing how worried he got and how he was looking at each person that passed by, Robbe felt extremely guilty.

He was finally here and Robbe was doing everything to not see him personally. Wasn't this his dream? Wasn't this everything he always wanted?

He knew he should have gotten up and walked up to him but he couldn't, so he stayed glued to that one place like a nail into a wall.

And he waited. And watched.

The time passed, and Sander waited as well.

But after almost 40 minutes, he gave up and looked around one more time, looking quite upset and disappointed and started walking away.

Fire alarmed started going off in Robbe's head and before he even knew what he was doing, he was already running after him, forgetting about everything else.

Maybe it was him, running for the chance the universe gave him and taking it. Or maybe it was him, running after Sander because he couldn't bear the thought that he made him upset and hurt him.

Maybe it was him, running because he was in love.

Whatever the reason was, it didn't matter.

What did matter was that Robbe had some kind of power inside him and he used all of them to call out Sander's name when he was five or six feet away from him, which made the other boy stop and turn around slowly, as if he wasn't believing his ears.

And Robbe doesn't believe his ears as well.

"H-hi." He breathed out, standing so close to him now that he could see his face so clearly, see the right shade of his skin and the color of his eyes. He had to look up a little bit since he was taller than Robbe but he was here, right in front of him, looking beautiful than ever, looking more perfect than anything Robbe could imagine and he has never felt happier and more insecure than right at this moment.

"Hi." Sander answered back and Robbe felt naked under his gaze, the way he looked him up and down felt so personal and special.

Robbe didn't know how he was still managing to stand and not collapse from his emotions. It must be the adrenaline rush.

"I'm sorry. I - " He couldn't just stay silent now, he had to say that he didn't think of leaving Sander and not showing up.

"It's alright. You don't have to explain. I thought you wouldn't come." God, his voice. Robbe got quite used to hearing his voice but hearing it now was doing things to him, making him feel weak in his legs.

"No. I was here but I couldn't find the courage to come up to you but then I saw you leaving and I couldn't let you just walk away now and I - " he stopped and finally looked up to his face. Sander was already looking at him, has never looked away from his eyes.

"Fuck." Robbe whispered. He definitely didn't know what to say or think or do. He just turned into a stone, very emotional stone who couldn't figure out what to do to help himself relive some of the feelings he had.

"Can I hug you?" He let it slip from his mouth and watched how Sander's whole face lit up and decide that if this was the last thing he'd see, he'd gladly take the chance and never look back.

Sander took a step closer to him and put his arms around him so tightly and put him so close to his chest that Robbe could smell which type of shampoo he used and he started shaking. At first, he was numb, now somehow he forgot how to move his body muscles but then when he felt the boy put his head down on his shoulder, it just hit him, what was going on and where he was and he wrapped his arms around him quickly, his fingers clutching his shirt, trying to pull him closer and closer, breathing him in and out, afraid that he'd disappear any second now and Robbe would do anything than let him go out of his grasp.

He doesn't know how long they stayed like this but Robbe definitely wasn't complaining, he was ready to even die in this moment, when he finally got everything he ever wanted.

He felt Sander pulling away but didn't let him, pulled him ever closer if that was even possible, which made the older boy giggle and after a while, Robbe felt his fingers slip in his hair and he closed his eyes.

Is this what heaven felt like, since Robbe is sure, he has never felt anything like this before in his life. He felt his eyes getting wet even under his eyelids and tried to control his body and calm his self down as much as it was physically possible.

When Robbe finally decided that they have been stuck in this position too long and no matter how much he didn't want to, he pulled away and looked at him and smiled, showing off his dimples and whispered "hi."

Sander smiled too and shook his head a little bit, put his head down and said "hi" back after he looked up to him.

Robbe couldn't calm down his heart beating for the rest of the day.

29.10.2020

"They keep getting on my nerves but I've already decided. I'm continuing my art education and if they want my music career, they just have to deal with it. I'm an adult and I think I have a choice about what I want to do or not."

They were sitting in a cafe. Cafe Sander chose and always goes to since it's more private place and not everybody can get in. They have already been here last time and now when the person at the front door told him that he already wrote Robbe's name down as another guest, aka, somebody who could just come in whenever he wanted, Robbe felt his blood got cold in his whole body in a very good way. He's getting used to it and Sander is pretty much, very helping since they have almost been seeing each other every other day, sometimes even for an hour and sometimes for the whole day.

Sometimes Robbe would forget who he was talking to, it felt like a normal person and then it would hit him and he'd start getting nervous all over again. Sander noticed that a while ago and told him to loosen up, and Robbe is trying so hard to do so.

"What about the albums and concerts?" The environment around them was so nice and calm, they were sitting by a small table near the window, they ordered coffee and brownies and Sander even remembered when Robbe said that he'd give up sweet coffee for him and even dared to tease him about it when the waiter came and Robbe blushed so hard that he's sure everyone there could see it, but in the end, he ordered his usual order, which made Sander smirk and Robbe changed the subject as fast as possible.

He was listening so closely to everything he had to say, every story he told him and Sander was sharing so much with him, so openly, Robbe felt pretty special.

Sander was doing more talking and Robbe was grateful for that, he was more interested in finding out everything sander would say to him than telling him his boring life story and no matter how much Sander tried to get him to open up, he just didn't want to, not because he didn't want to share stuff with him, quite the opposite actually, he just wanted to know more about him so they did just that.

Robbe could see his phone lit up every second. He was suppose to meet with the guys and he felt very guilty about how much he was blowing them off to see Sander but could anyone blame him?

"I will still continue it, just also study art you know?" He looked so passionate while talking about his art that Robbe couldn't fight off a smile on his face.

"I think that's the best plan. You get to do what you want and everyone is happy."

Sander was looking at him with something in his eyes, Robbe couldn't explain. That gaze got stronger and stronger after their each meeting up, Robbe felt exposed and appreciated. He never wanted to make that feeling go away.

"Oh, not everybody is happy about it." That made Robbe's dumb smile freeze.

"Are your parents still giving you hard time about it?" He chose his words carefully, didn't want to put his nose in Sander's private life more than he already has but the boy didn't seem to mind at all.

"They are but they will get over it. Eventually." The worry was still presented on Robbe's face but when he said "at least you're happy" and saw how Sander smiled at that, he was sure, he'd never get over this boy.

This person would be the death of him and Robbe is more than ready to sign the deal with the devil.

"Oh, I'm very happy." He gave him one of his cheesiest grin and took a sip from his coffee, and Robbe had to look away, this sight in front of him was too much to handle for his poor and fragile heart.

He had it very, very bad but wouldn't change a thing. He smiled again, dumbfounded.

Looked at Sander from the corner of his eyes, pretending to look out of the window, who was already staring at him.

He was always staring which made Robbe shudder under his gaze.

That lovely, longing gaze that Robbe can't seem to run away from, not that he wants to.

"I'm happy that you're happy."

And he really was. Robbe was extremely happy, so happy that he felt like he'd explode.

He tried to hide his smile by swallowing his lips but wasn't able to.

Nothing could stop him from smiling and it was obvious.

04.11.2020

This is a date. Or at least Sander wants it to be a date.

The thing is that he desperately wants this day to go and work out since he spent a lot of time on it.

When he first told Senne that he needed to take his car, the boy slammed his room's door right in front of his face. Sander counted that as a success. Then he mentioned it again at the dinner and when Senne realized that he was really serious, he started hysterical laughing and couldn't stop for a few minutes.

Sander has tried learning how to drive in the past.

Tried but failed.

Then he tried again, and also failed and realized, the car just wasn't for him. But after he saw what was on the theaters and also sent Robbe the name of the film and he said that he has been waiting for this movie to come out for some time now, it was already decided, Sander would try it again one more time.

Senne didn't agree with him and he didn't have time to take private driving lessons so after he literally begged and kneeled for him, his friend finally gave in. But when he found out that he had to learn how to drive properly in less than a week, he threw him out of the car.

They tried it next day as well. And Sander was so bad, Senne tried to put it nicely but after a while, he couldn't hold his emotions in so he started straight up roasting and yelling at him, not only Sander was terrible, he was also messing up Senne's car and his friend was more worried about his vehicle than his date. All Sander could hear this days was "No. Stop, not like that. You're not supposed to push it like that. Fuck. Slow down. Now push it. Change it. It's not your side of the road. Turn around. You're not suppose to go there. Can't you at least start the car without my instructions? Just push the button, it's easy. Get out. Get the fuck out. I'm gonna kill my self. Now, slow and steady. You have to turn it all the way around. Fuck, don't hit the sidewalk. Careful. Open it. Look in the mirrors, they aren't there for aesthetic. Stop gripping it like that. Look out. Press the brake. Stop the damn car. Get out, don't let me see you for the rest of the day." And all over again the each day until they were suppose to meet.

Sander can't blame Senne, no matter how much he complained, he did his best and Sander is more than grateful. But he knows, he will mess up one way or another and he's already getting ready for the embarrassment.

Senne tried everything to get him to change his mind about taking his car but in the end, he hesitantly gave him the keys and made him promise that if he broke or scratched his car, he'd buy a new one for him. Sander took it from him with shaky fingers. It was the first time he'd have to drive alone and it was also first time he'd have to take Robbe to drive-in movie theaters and not only he still doesn't know how to park the car properly and the whole point of drive-ins are to park the car at the right place and he was also meeting up with Robbe and he couldn't just not drive there.

He made Senne call him and was on a speaker just to be an emotional support for him until he'd get to Robbe's home and he almost hit the car in front of him while he was stopping but he stayed quiet so Senne wouldn't jump from his phone. And when he saw Robbe coming on his way, he hang up.

It would be a very long night. It was already dark out and that was making the situation ten times harder for Sander but it was too late to back out now.

Robbe opened the passenger door and sat down beside him, after they said their greetings and Sander was getting emotionally ready to start the car, he noticed Robbe's gaze on his face, mischief in his eyes and asked "what?"

"Nothing." He answered but didn't look away. Not that Sander didn't like when Robbe was looking at him but he felt pressured while somebody was looking at him work and now, when he was extremely nervous, he couldn't just drive with him watching his every move.

"Something is up, just say it." He looked right at him now, turned his head.

Robbe giggled and stayed silent which made Sander more worried, was something on his face, he started wondering.

"Say it." His panicked voice made Robbe laugh and he finally started talking.

"It's just - I thought you didn't know how to drive." And at that, Sander's eyes went wide and he started nervously cough-laughing.

"Yeah I - " he scratched the back of his neck and looked away.

"I learnt it - a while a-ago. So don't judge me that harshly please." He felt his face started burning.

"As if I'd dare and judge you." He isn't sure if Robbe's teasing manner is making him more nervous or more excited, probably both.

"O-okay." He breathed out and started the car. He was about to push the gas when he felt a hand on his shoulder and looked at Robbe smiling at him warmly, and gave him a reasonable nod.

"Don't worry, okay? You don't have to impress me or anything. You don't need to, I'm sure you must already know. You're breathing and I'm already impressed."

How can he calmly drive after hearing this and not crash into something?

"You're too pure for this world." He whispered and turned away, now starting the car for real and he saw how big Robbe's smile was from the corner of his eyes and how his dimples were almost pull up at his eyes and smiled himself.

And in the end, the day went better than he imagined. He needed 9 minutes to park his car right at their place, he almost hit two cars and definitely went on a sidewalk when he dropped Robbe off and that boy couldn't stop giggling all night which made Sander so happy, he forgot about anything.

Of course he didn't pay any attention to the movie, how could he when Robbe was sitting here, so beautiful, filled with happiness and he couldn't stop staring at him, he's sure Robbe noticed but didn't say anything else. He was somewhat interested in the movie and was making comments about it which Sander would answer with a little hum or "yeah."

One time Robbe looked at him and whispered "what?" His cheeks red all night long.

"Nothing. You're just very pretty."

12.11.2020

"You knew?"

"I'm not as dumb as you think." Robbe laughed and looked at him.

They were playing some kind of 20 questions game, asking each other questions they wanted to know the answer to. They were sitting on a grass, at some old abandon park where not a lot of people went and Robbe just asked him if he made the mural and to say that Sander was shocked, was an understatement.

"Did you know it from the beginning? You told me about somebody else who you thought made it, did you lie to me?"

"No. I had a doubt but obviously it was too crazy thought to even consider." And how the tables have turned now.

The boys haven't seen each other that often past week since Sander was getting ready for his concert and had rehearses every day.

He didn't want to admit how much he missed spending time with Robbe but now, that they were finally reunited, he felt amazing, calm. They still called each other, every night, falling asleep with listening to each other's voices and Sander realized, he was getting too attached. When he couldn't wait until it would get dark for him to call Robbe, or he'd desperately look in his calendar to see when they were suppose to meet, he knew he was too far gone for his boy and never wanted to go back to the time when he didn't know him. It also felt so insane, how they weren't like this in the past, how there was a time when Sander had no idea who this precious boy was.

How there were probably universes where he still didn't know Robbe, and how glad he was that he was living in this one.

"Well, I guess, surprise?" Robbe laughed again and pushed him off playfully then he got serious and asked "why did you do it?"

Sander looked at him with a confused face and shrugged his shoulders.

"It's it obvious? I liked you, and I still do."

Robbe stayed silent for a few minutes, playing with his fingers, deep in thoughts.

"Can I ask you another question?"

"Isn't it my turn?" Sander smirked at him and faced the blue, unclouded sky.

"You can ask two questions later."

"Sure. What do you want to know?"

"Did you see me that day at the skate park?" Sander stopped breathing for a few seconds, his mind going wild, racing.

He thought of pretending he didn't know what he was talking about but in the end, remembered that he made a promise that he'd only tell the truth to Robbe now so he nodded his head which made Robbe ask another question.

"Did you know what I looked like then? Did you know it was me?"

To which, Sander nodded again, guilty.

"Does it makes you feel weird?" He asked, afraid that Robbe would get mad at him or just walk away.

"Honestly, it makes me feel important." He confessed after a while and looked at Sander in the eyes.

"But you are, Robbe. You're very important.

"They stayed there and continued talking until late at night, then Sander walked Robbe back to his place, and hugged him goodbye.

It was a very peaceful day.

20.11.2020

"Get ready to be mind-blown" That's what Sander told him right before he walked up on the stage and Robbe is sure, he meant every word and he wasn't ready at all.

Sander told him that he could take his friends with him if he wanted but Robbe politely refused, saying that his friends didn't know about them, whatever they were, probably friends hoping to be more, but in reality, he didn't want anybody else to have Sander's name on the vip access ticket, hanging on their necks. He felt he was acting possessive, which he was but didn't want to admit it.

He also didn't know what to expect, Sander told him that he wished he wouldn't get lonely waiting for him or bored and Robbe almost had a fight with him that he even dared to say that Robbe would get bored, as if it wasn't like he was planning and wanting to be on Sander's concert almost his whole life.

Sander took him with him and just because he had to be there earlier than the concert would start, which was 8 pm, Robbe was also there, having his first and best experience in his life. Sander has sung to him a few times, so it wasn't like he'd hear him sing in real life for the first time but he was so excited, his whole body was shaking from the happiness.

He has already met Senne a few times before so when Sander was checking his sounds, Senne was hanging out with him, he was so fun to be around and Robbe could clearly see why those two were best friends.

Then the concert started and he realized that he indeed wasn't an only person on Sander's vip list. Obviously, there were his parents, which he knew from the pictures but seeing them now, it was really obvious Sander was their son. He looked so much like them, that Robbe was so close to actually going up and saying thank you to them for creating their kid. He laughed at the thought, Sander would love it if he really did that.

Another thing which annoyed him was how, other than people he didn't know, who had Sander's vip necklace, there was also Britt, walking around with her two friends, he knew from the Instagram, with his name on her neck.

Robbe has never seen her up close and damn, she was very gorgeous. She had a very tight silver dress on which was going down to her knees, her shoulders visible and her blonde hair, straighten.

All this time, he has never even once thought of Britt, not after their last encounter on the social media and all of a sudden, everything he knew about their relationship came rushing to the surface of his brain.

He already knew that they were good friends but couldn't help but feel upset about her being here, like he was.

It made him feel ordinary, and no matter how much he knew he was just an ordinary boy, Sander always tries to make him feel special, and seeing her now made him realized that he still didn't get any different treatment and this selfish thought killed him in the heart.

He remembered every photo or video they have ever posted when they were dating, or every rumor he has ever heard, one was even so crazy that the publicity thought they broke up because Britt was pregnant and having a kid at a such young age would ruin Sander's career. Obviously, Robbe hasn't believe them but for everybody to think that, meant they were pretty close.

Why wouldn't they? When you're dating somebody for that long, as Sander would say, you have to go all the way or no way.

Robbe couldn't help but feel somebody clutching his heart and making him breath uneasily. He doesn't have any right to be jealous, but looking at her here, jumping up and down while listening to his ex's concert, was making him think not so many good things.

Robbe tried getting his mind off of that and he succeed, he stood as close to the stage to watch him and he had an amazing time.

Seeing Sander there, on the stage and watching how familiar this was for him, and how he looked like he was born for this, made Robbe realize why his manager was fighting so hard for Sander to only continue and focus on his music career.

This, singing and being on the stage, was Sander's, and everybody could see that.

Robbe didn't miss the way he kept looking back at him and made sure if he was watching, and of course Robbe was watching his every move, listening to his every note, knowing all the lyrics to each of his songs but staying quiet, just listening to him sing.

He had to admit, Sander and Senne were a good due, and they, with the help of a few people put out a fire and the audience went crazy.

And Robbe felt on a cloud infinite.

At the very end, Sander sang his latest and recent song, the song Robbe didn't know about and kept looking at him, as if he was singing this for him and Robbe blushed so hard and he was so relieved that nobody here, other than the boys on the stage, knew who he was and who he was to Sander.

But even Robbe, himself didn't know who he really was to Sander.

And when they finished their concert with the song Sander wrote for Robbe, using his own messages as lyrics, Robbe really was sure that he'd drop dead on the hard floor.

Is this really a real life, he wondered, or is this a dream, a fantasy?

He will never, ever get over this, he will never get over how every few minutes, Sander would look back at him and smiled, or even winked.

Would this always be like this? He'd give up everything he ever owned and so much more for this to be always like this.

The people's screaming was making him deaf but he couldn't really blame them, he's silent only because he's with Sander's friends and family. He had no idea if any of them knew who he was but when Sander's mom walked up to him and asked him if he was Robbe, then he guessed that Sander must have said something about him with them.

"I am." He smiled, showed of his teeth and dimples, and got a warming smile in return too.

"It's a pleasure. I've heard a lot of great things about you."

What things? He wanted to ask and knew but couldn't dare.

Somebody called her name and she turned around and said "I'll be there in a moment." Then looked at Robbe one more time, put her hand on his arm.

"You really make my son happy, thank you for that. I got to go now but I hope we will meet each other soon again." And left him after giving him another smile which made it clear, from whom Sander got his own.

He didn't know which fact was the crazier, the fact that Sander told his parents about him, or the fact that his mom literally just gave them her blessing without even saying that word.

Sander's mom thanked him, she liked him and welcomed him in her family, or that's what it seemed like.

He didn't have a lot of time to think about that since the concert was over and the boys were walking out of the stage. Even if he was standing the closest to the stage, somebody behind him run up and went in front of him, he saw that it was Britt and as soon as Sander walked out, she jumped on him and wrapped her arms around him so tightly that Sander had to put his palm on a wall next to him so he wouldn't fall off and then he laughed and put his arms around her as well.

Robbe didn't want to think about that but the only thought in his head was that Sander hugged her exactly the way he hugged him.

Maybe he hugs everybody like that.

He saw how Sander whispered something in her ear that made her crack up and throw her head back.

After they pulled away, they exchanged some words and then Senne walked out and she went up to him instead, probably just to congratulate him and tell him what a great show they pulled.

People went up to Sander and after a few minutes of him, hugging everybody else and having a small talk with them, he finally saw Robbe standing there and walked up to him.

He was sweaty and out of breath, but still managed to win Robbe's heart over again with his smile.

"Hey stranger." He said and winked at him, which automatically made Robbe smiled, no matter how upset he was to see him with Britt just a moment ago.

"Hey. You were amazing out there." He didn't say all the compliments he wanted to, Sander didn't deserve him after that hug, Robbe was acting jealous for no reason but in his mind, it wasn't wrong to act this way at all.

Obvious to Robbe's discomfort and sadness, he thanked him and took his hand, started walking away and dragged him with him.

Sander was really amazing on the stage, and this night was something Robbe will never forget.

It was perfect.

He was perfect. And Robbe still can't believe he was able to see all that unfold in real life with his own two eyes.

Sander apparently dragged him back to the backstage 'getting ready' area. And pushed him inside, closed the door.

The whole room screamed 'Sander' and Robbe thought that this must be his own, private place.

Robbe was looking around the room when he saw how Sander took off his shirt from the corner of his eyes and made his self turn around properly so he wouldn't have to look at him no matter how much he wanted to. Instead he looked at the guitars and clothes around the room and a very big mirror, and some stuff Sander had in here.

His mind was his biggest enemy and he realized it when the thought of Sander, dragging Britt back to here after his concert to fuck her was filling and clouding his head.

Why is he doing this to his self?

His mood kept dropping down on the floor as more time passed, and it wasn't fair since he was the happiest he has ever been just a few moments ago.

Had they made out of the couch before? Had they kissed against the door? Had they locked up in here for hours after the concert and only left after the midnight?

He tried shutting down his thoughts but they keep rushing and rushing in.

Then he felt the boy stood next to him.

Robbe doesn't know if he had seen his face and realized it, or if he was a mind reader but Sander made him turn around, looked at him.

"I have never taken anyone in here in the past, you're the first and only one."

Before Robbe had a chance to answer, he put his arm in front of him and took off his bracelet.

Robbe knew and recognized that bracelet, Sander had talked about it in his videos and knew how much it meant for Sander and he knew what he was going to say about it before he even did it.

"This is my lucky bracelet. I always put it on, on my concerts and take them off after it."

Robbe didn't know why he was telling him all this and in here.

Sander probably saw his confusion face and decide to continue.

He took Robbe's palm in his hand and put the bracelet in it. Robbe looked down at it, couldn't believe what he thought was happening.

"I want to give it to you, if you will take it." And he looked at him dead in the eyes, and Robbe has never seen him that serious before, not even when he was talking about his illness, and that made his eyes wide.

"W-what? But, Sander. This is your lucky bracelet, I know you don't ever sing on concerts without it and it must mean so much for you, how can you even - "

"I don't need any luck anymore. I have you, don't I?"

Of course, he had Robbe.

He had Robbe even before he knew who he was.

He had Robbe right after Robbe heard his voice for the first time in his life.

You do, he wanted do say, I'm yours, take me, have me however you want, he wanted to add.

But decided to stay silent, only asking "are you sure?" after a while.

"I'm sure. I mean - do you not like it?" The worry lines between his forehead was making him seem so adorable, Robbe only wanted to kiss them all over.

"Are you kidding me? How do you even dare to ask me that? Of course I like it, I love it. This means so much for me and I - " Sander shut him up by putting his index finger on his lips and Robbe looked up at him.

"Stop thanking me. First it was constantly saying sorry all the time, now this." He smiled and put the bracelet on his arm. Robbe looked down at it on his wrist and also at the hand which was still holding his arm.

"But what about your lucky charm?" He asked.

Sander smiled at him and came closer which made Robbe's heart beat so fast that it was ready to jump out of his skin.

He put his face so close to him that Robbe closed his eyes and felt his lips on his cheek seconds after.

Sander pulled away but didn't let go of his hand.

Robbe opened his eyes and saw him, looking down at their fingers, which were still holding each other.

"I don't need any lucky charm. I have you, that's more than enough. Now, come." And pulled blushing and smiling Robbe out of the room.

03.12.2020

When Sander told Robbe that he wasn't alone, coming to meet up with him, Robbe got a little worried.

Sander also added "I had no choice" on his previous text message and didn't reply to him after that.

But Robbe found out what he meant by that soon when he saw Sander coming up to him while holding a little kid's hand in his left hand and a little bag in his right.

When they stopped in front of Robbe, the boy kneeled down.

"Hey, little buddy. What's your name?" The kid looked up at Sander, silently asking if it was to say and after Sander nodded slowly, smiling down at him, the kid said.

"I'm Theodore."

"Well, hi, Theodore. I'm Robbe. It's nice to meet you."

"I just have to take care of him for like an hour and then we can meet up with his mom, okay? I'm so sorry, she didn't have anybody to leave him with and I wanted to help her - "

"Sander, you don't have to explain. It's okay. I'm so happy I got to meet the person who makes you lose your mind and wants to jump from the building." He smiled and got up on his feet.

"Theo will be a good kid today, won't he?" Sander asked playfully and whispered "he's in a good mood" to Robbe and they started walking.

Robbe couldn't help but stare at them. Sander was so close to that little boy, like they were in a little bubble together.

Robbe and Sander were talking but at the same time, Theo was asking him questions, like "what's this?" And Sander would answer automatically.

"Are we going to see mommy?" Theo asked.

"Yes we are. She will meet us soon."

"Soon?"

"Uh-Huh. So after that, he took her back to his place and they had the biggest fight, imagine how horrible it must have been that the neighbors called the police because of the noises and breaking objects and - " Sander was telling him about Theo's mom and her boyfriend at the same time.

"Look, what a cute dog."

"Yeah, it's very cute. Look, how he's playing with his friend?" And continued talking to Robbe and switching the personalities like it wasn't a big deal at all "sometimes he checks up on him, but he just don't really care, you know? It's so sad since she really loved him but - "

"Sander, wait. I have something - " They stopped and Sander looked down at whatever Theo was telling him.

"What is it? Show me." Theo had his finger in his hand and was looking at it closely, pulling in his eyebrows. Sander took his finger and examined it.

Robbe almost melted at the sight in front of him, it was so cute to see how vulnerable and sweet and caring Sander was with that kid.

"It's nothing. There's nothing there." He took his hand again and continued walking.

"I want to go to the park."

"Let's ask your mom when we see her."

"Ask mom?"

"Yep."

"And then go?"

"Yeah."

"Go to the park?"

"Yeah."

"Will Robbe come too?" The boy and looked up at him and asked which made Robbe so happy.

"I don't know, ask him." Sander told him.

Theo asked him directly now, which made Robbe nod his head and smile.

They meet up with her mom after an hour or so and she thanked him so much and apologized of keeping Sander busy while he was on a date when he saw Robbe with him.

Sander said that it was more than alright, didn't correct her about the date thing, kissed and hugged Theo and they left together.

Theo started crying when they were going away but Sander promised him that he's see him later and calmed him down.

Robbe had the biggest smile while watching that.

Theo also said a goodbye to Robbe and blowed him a kiss, which made the brunet's heart filled with adoration and love.

"He must really love you." Robbe said after they weren't visible anymore.

"I think I'm the closest he has to a father." He put his body closer to Robbe, their arms were touching while they were walking together which was sending electricity in Robbe's body.

"No, I think you're more like his best friend." Robbe looked down at their arms and when he was about to pull away a little bit, afraid that he was make Sander uncomfortable, the boy entwined their fingers together. And Robbe got goosebumps all over his skin.

"Yeah, that too. Believe it or not, he's also my best friend in some kind of way." He got even closer to him and looked at him, his face was only ten centimeters away.

"Ohh, does Senne has a competition?" Robbe teased and Sander laughed at that.

"Oh, I'm sure Theo would beat him the title of my best friend."

"I'm sure he would."

14.12.2020

Robbe doesn't know how they got in this situation and position.

They are sitting on the bench, well, Robbe is sitting and Sander is laying down with his head on Robbe's legs, his eyes closed, one of his legs bent and the other straight in front of him.

"Your knees are shaking. Sander told him as a matter of fact and Robbe's ears got hot after hearing.

"I know." He mumbled.

"Give me your hand." Sander looked up at him and it didn't felt fair, how Robbe had nowhere to run from his gaze and was obligated to look down at his beautiful green eyes.

"Why?"

"Because I want to hold it." And he took it in his hand, started playing with his fingers.

Robbe had to admit, they have been getting closer and closer this past few weeks, fast few months actually, to the point where Sander holding his hand, or sitting this close to him, or even putting his arm around his shoulder was and felt normal.

And Robbe really doesn't know how they got to that point of their relationship, how fast they were they were changing blush emojis to kissy emojis on their phones, or even hearts, which Robbe found out a very interesting fact about.

Apparently Sander uses different kind and color of hearts while texting. He uses green with somebody he used to be close with but now they don't hang out that much. He uses yellow with somebody he wants to impress. Orange with somebody he doesn't like. Black with his art friends. Heart with a bow ties is with somebody he just really hates. And blue with somebody who is special for him. And he just doesn't use other colors. Sometimes purple if he's unsure of what to feel about the person he's texting with.

He rarely uses red since it means real love for him but that's the only color of heart he has been using for Robbe, it makes him smile every time he sees it.

Robbe is definitely in love. But he can't speak much about Sander.

Well, he has been open about his feelings and he has been spoiling Robbe with presents or compliments but he hasn't said anything directly, he has mentioned once or twice that he likes Robbe but that's it.

Sander is probably afraid of going in deep or saying something Robbe isn't comfortable enough to hear yet and he adores Sander and is thankful for that but he's just desperate.

All this cute little dates and meeting ups are amazing but in this kind of moments, like now, when Sander is so close, he's touching him, making him feel loved and Robbe still doesn't know what they are is making him want to cry.

He's killing him, slowly and adorably, enjoying every second of it and Robbe is falling, somewhere, in a very long black hole and when he's sure that he has finally gotten to the place he has to come to a stop, the gravity starts working again and he's going down and down, deeper and deeper, he can't see the surface anymore for a very long time now.

He's terrified that Sander will leave him there, stuck, devastated but one can only hope that the things will start to get clearer.

A year ago, he would have never thought that he'd even talk to him, six months ago, he never thought that he'd meet him, two months ago, he's never thought that Sander would have his head on his lap and his palm in his hand but here they were.

The world definitely had a way to surprise him, always.

Robbe looked down at his peaceful and angelic face.

Robbe really wants to touch his hair but he isn't daring it yet. He's not the confident one in the relationship.

In general, he hugged Sander by his self six times, kissed his cheek once, took his hand in his own twice, while Sander was almost all over him, with his hands and fingers wandering, in his hair, on his back, on his thigh, arms, hands, face.

After he found out that Robbe was comfortable with him being touchy, he didn't stop. Not that Robbe wanted him to.

He put his fingers close to his neck slowly, going in and out, didn't dare to touch it. Sander sensed his movement and opened his eyes, made Robbe feel like an exhibition in a museum because of the way the boy was looking at him.

Suddenly, he smiled and whispered "you can touch me. I don't bite. At least not if you won't ask me to." Which made Robbe put his head down, try to hide his face and by doing this, he went so deep that he put his forehead right against Sander's forehead. Not knowing what he was doing, he used his chance to slip his fingers in his soft hair and started massaging his scalp.

They stayed like this until Robbe got back to his previous position, now with his plan being successful, his fingers lost in white locks.

Robbe has no idea about how much time has passed since they got here, how many hours have they been together today.

He closed his eyes and started "walking" in his head, thoughts after thoughts developing and becoming one.

Sander has told him about it once, how sometimes he looks back at his thoughts and watches how each one changed to one another like a movie.

It definitely was very weird, and the way Sander's voice changed when he said it made Robbe realize that this person in front of him then, was a person Sander didn't let anybody see, only a few people.

A person who he was embarrassed about, a person he hated, a toxic, a maniac, crazy person he says he becomes and Robbe wants nothing more to make him see how wrong he is when he says all that stuff about his self.

How much he wishes to make Sander see him from Robbe's eyes, to make him see how special he is.

That was the Sander, the boy was afraid that would make Robbe run away but he was incorrect, this would be the person that would make him stay.

It took a lot of energy and time for Robbe to start accepting and communicating with Sander like a normal person. No matter how much time they spend talking, he still has that fan girl moments when he realizes who he's with and freaks out but they are getting more infrequent as he's getting to know the boy.

Believe it or not, Sander is normal. He has friends, he has problems he deals with, he has hobbies, he has a baggage and he's still perfect.

He's just a person.

A person Robbe loves and adores.

A person Robbe can't seem to live without now.

A person who has his head on his legs at the moment.

He opened his eyes when he felt Sander shift and was met with his eyes, staring down at him, his face close to his own. And he stayed there for a while, making sure Robbe wouldn't pull away and when he was certain that Robbe was definitely not moving, he put and touched Robbe's nose with his nose, moved it up and down slowly. Robbe felt a hot breath on his whole face, his heart about to burst out and when he finally felt Sander's lips on his own, he completely lost it.

Sander was always making him feel things he has never felt before but this was something he couldn't even explain.

He has imagined this so much that he's not proud but it felt greater than anything he has ever felt in his entire life. While his mind was closed for using for today, his body fortunately knew what to do and he wrapped his arms around him, kissing him back, pulling him closer to him.

The kiss wasn't long but it was passionate, teasing and breathtaking.

Basically, everything Sander was.

If Robbe knew kissing him felt like this, he'd jump on him when he has his first chance.

Sander pulled away, looking startled and scared, put his forehead against Robbe's and whispered: "I wanted to ask if I could kiss you but then decided against it and went for it."

Robbe doesn't know how he managed to say a word.

"I'm glad you did."

They stayed like this for a while, just looking and breathing in each other.

Then Robbe let out a whimper and took both of Sander's hands in his own. "Please don't lie to me, is this a dream?"

Sander looked at him sadly and filled with so much love, it was making Robbe weak and he was so happy he was sitting down.

"I don't know. Are your eyes open? Don't believe everything you might see."

The way Sander was always using his words against him, making him remember them.

But now, he wasn't upset, no, he was happy Sander remembered and appreciated them.

And he can't lie, it was a perfect time to say it.

"All I believe right now is that I see you and you're here." He whispered back, clutching his fingers so tightly now that they were getting white, Sander didn't mind or he didn't show it at least, Robbe was petrified he'd blink and Sander wouldn't be there anymore.

"You're right. I am and I'm not going anywhere. At least not without you."

Sander reassured him and he kissed him again.

Robbe went limp in his arms.

Chapter 8.1

#okay i just finished it #i dont care im posting #i literally spent the whole day on this #im not even kidding i think i only took three or four hours a break only because i was out #also this is my third time posting it since tumblr isnt letting me and its making me angry #i hope you all will like it #it could be better but i wanted to finish it as fast as possible #and im still pretty proud of how the whole chapter turned out #okay so #i think thats it #wtfock #wtfam #wtfock sobbe #sander driesen #robbe x sander #robbe ijzermans #sobbe #ground control to us #social media au

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cajunfoxnight · 2 years

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Where to go from here?

OH HEY ITS BEEN A REAL HOT MINUTE SINCE I TALKED ON HERE. And oh boy do I have... thoughts. :T Mostly regarding my blog, Ask October Fox. There is a lot to read here..

Wow ok so.. this is a post that I have been putting off pretty much all year long. It was one of those “I will cross that bridge when I get there” and oh boy, wouldnt you know it.. there’s the bridge. I had wanted to make this sooner but for some reason my brain just wouldnt let me. Im posting this here first since I think about 90% of people who follow October, follow me here too, so this seems like where I might reach the most people but I will also reblog this on her blog as well. I have just been trying to gather my thoughts, but it feels like every time I do, I just end up with a scattered mess trying to explain myself. Id like to keep this short but.. well thats not going to happen, i’ll try tho So... to be upfront with a somewhat TLDR, I dont know how much more I will be running my ask blog. This doesnt mean October herself is going anywhere, she’ll still be around, I just dont know if it will be here. Its a bit of a complicated matter, and one that I have been struggling with since the beginning of the year. My main problem is that I dont know if I can physically keep doing it. I know I had mentioned last year about the amount of pain I was in with my old tablet and how hard it was getting to draw. But on the plus side, since getting a monitor tablet, a new desk and set up, those problems have gotten significantly better. Every so often they might flare up, but with regular breaks, slightly more structured schedule, and daily exercising, its few and far between. So on that front im good! I still dont want to risk getting hurt again, which is why im just unsure if I can put that kind of strain on myself again.. and it doesnt help that I feel like im drawing slower than I used to, tho that could just be me. Secondly, is.. is there anyone here anymore? I used to check Tumblr every day, multiple times a day, and then I just... left for like 3 months bc it felt like hardly anyone was here anymore (another reason why I didnt make this post sooner. I have avoidance issues.). I feel like I might have joined Tumblr around its peak, just before The Ban™️ came down and most people- rightfully- left. October’s story is finally starting to come to light and while it was something I have been planning for a while now, the big story isnt something that I want to do to an empty audience, if that makes any sense. And thats on me, really. I waited too long. Thirdly, there were/are certain things that needed to happen before I could tell that story- and sadly I feel as tho I am missing a big key factor that is needed to link the story to the next part. But without that key factor...I feel like Id to have to retcon the entire story. Not that that in itself is a terrible thing, the story has been ever changing for a while now, but this had been one of the main things I had planned for a long time now. Not to mention I still want to tell stories of some of the other characters. There are a few more personal reasons, but these are just the main ones. Im just.. not sure what to do anymore. I would still like October to continue to interact with people, that is something that I have greatly enjoyed in the past couple of years with the quick replies, and thats what she was meant to be all about for the most part. Im planning on having October doing stuff outside of this blog this year- lots of ideas planned, like streaming art and maybe some games- but as far as the nightly comics.. eehh... So I guess my question is this.. would people rather I just tell them the rest of the story, or would people rather I still try and draw it out, tho more like a graphic novel style and not in a full comic form? Tho again going back to the the third section, I still have to figure out how that would play out anyway. I hate to say how much this has been stressing me out, and how much I am upset with myself over how things have played out. Many things I probably should have done differently but now im just going to have to roll with it. As mentioned the story, October, and the characters arent going anywhere. There are still stories and characters to be talked about, I just dont know how or where that will be. There is a lot more than I could go on about but for now I think its best to end this rambling here. Once I get some input or answers then I will move onto the next step. I apologize for the massive wall of text here, and for anyone who read all of it, I cant thank you enough for that. For now I will continue to work on the planned projects, as I still have a little time to finish those things up, but wow.. September is sure moving a lot faster than I would like :T

#night rambles #vent?#night talks #Ask-October-fox #october #text post

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dirk-has-rabies · 4 years

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Gender variance and it's link with neurodivergency

Okay so this is it going to be another long one

All quotes will be sourced with a link to the scientific journal I took it from

Okay Tumblr, let's talk gender (I know, your favorite topic) my preface on why this topic matters to me is: I'm autistic ( diagnosed moderate to severe autism) I'm nonbinary trans ( in a way that most non-autistic people don't understand and actually look down on) and I went to college for gender study ( Mostly for intersex studies but a lot of my research was around non-binary and trans identities) I will be using the term autism as pants when I have experience with however when ADHD is part of the study I will use ND which stands for neurodivergent and yes this is going to be about xenogenders and neopronouns.

autism can affect gender the same way autism can affect literally every part of an identity. a big thing about having autism is the fact that it completely can change how you view personhood and time and object permanence and gender and literally all types of socially constructed ideas. let me also say hear that just because Society creates and enforces an idea does it mean that it doesn't exist to all people it just me that there is no nature law saying that it's real and the “rules” for these ideas can change and delete and create as time and Society evolves and changes. gender is one of those constructs.

Now I'll take it by you reading this you know what transgender people are (if you don't understand what a trans person is send me an ask and I'll type you up a pretty little essay lmao, or Google it but that's a scary thought sense literally any Source or website can come up on Google including biased websites so be careful I guess LOL) anyway to be super basic trans people are anyone who doesn't identify as the gender they were assigned at Birth (yes that includes non-binary people I could do a whole nother essay about that shit how y'all keep spreading trying to separate non-binary people from the trans umbrella) some people don't like to use the label and that is totally fine by the way.

now autistic people to view the world in a way differently than allistic (neurotypical) ppl do. we don't take everything people teach us at 100% fact and we tend to question everything and demand proof and evidence for things before we can set it as a fact in our brains. This leads to why a lot of autistic people are atheist (although a lot of religions and this is not bashing on religious people at all I am actually a Jewish convert) this questioning leads to a lot of social constructs being ignored or not understood At All by a lot of autistic people and personally I think that's a good thing. allistics take everything their parents and teachers and schools teach them as fact until someone else says something and then they pick which ones to believe. autistic people study and research and learn about a topic before forming an opinion and while this may lead to them studying and believing very biased material and spitting it out as fact it can also lead them to try and Discover it is real by themselves.

because of this autistic people are more question their gender or not fall in a binary way at all as the concept of gender makes no sense to a lot of us. “ if gender is a construct then autistic people who are less aware of social norms are less likely to develop a typical gender identity”

no really look: “ children and teens with autism spectrum disorder ASD or Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder ADHD are much more likely to express a wish to be the opposite sex compared with their typical developing peers” That was posted in 2014. we have been saying this stuff forever but no one wants to listen. the thing is gender variance (being not cisgender or at least questioning it) has always been closely hand-in-hand with autistic and ADHD people I'm even the doctor who did that study understood right away that it all made sense the whole time: “ Dr. Strang said they were initially surprised to find an overrepresentation of gender variance among children with ADHD. However, they later realized that prior studies have shown increased levels of disruptive behavior and other behavioral problems among young people with gender variance” SEE YOURE NOT WEIRD YOURE JUST YOU AND YOURE NOT ALONE IN THIS!!

5% autistic people who did the study were trans or questioning. it was also equal between the Sexes fun fact. that may not seem like a lot till you realize that the national average is only .7% that's literally over 700% higher than the national average. That's so many! and that's just in America.

in Holland there was a study in 2010 “ nearly 8% of the more than 200 Children and adolescents referred to a clinic for gender dysphoria also came up positive on a assessment for ASD” they weren't even testing for ADHD so the numbers could be even higher!

now I want to talk about a certain section of the trans umbrella that a lot of autistic people fall under called the non-binary umbrella. non-binary means anything that isn't just male or just female. it is not one third gender and non-binary doesn't mean that you don't have a gender. just clearing that up since cis people keep spreading that. non-binary is an umbrella term for any of the infinite genders you could use or create. now this is where I'm going to lose a bunch of you and that's okay because you don't have to understand our brains or emotions To respect us as real people. not many allistics can understand how we see and think and relate to things and that's okay you don't have to understand everything but just reading about this could be so much closer to respecting us for Who We Are from you've ever been and that's better than being against us just for existing.

now you might have heard of my Mutual Lars who was harassed by transmeds for using the term Autigender (I was going to link them but if it gets traction I don't want them to get any hate) since a lot of people roll their eyes at that and treated them disgustingly for using a term that 100% applied correctly. Autigender is described as " a neurogender which can only be understood in the context of being autistic or when one's autism greatly affects one's gender or how one experiences gender. Autigender is not autism as a gender, but rather is a gender that is so heavily influenced by autism that one's autism and one's experience of gender cannot be unlinked.” Now tell me that doesn't sound a lot like this entire essay I've been working on with full sources…..

xenogenders and neopronouns are a big argument point on whether or not people “believe” in non binary genders but a big part of those genders is that they originated from ND communities and are ways that we can try to describe what gender means us in a way that cis or even allistic trans people just can't comprehend or ever understand. Same with MOGAI genders or sexualities. A lot of these are created as a way to somehow describe an indescribable relationship with gender that is so personal you really cant explain it to anyone who isnt literally the same as you.

Even in studies done with trans autistic people a large amount of them dont even fall on a yes or no of having a gender at all and fall in some weird inbetween where you KINDA have a gender but its not a gender in the sense that others say it is but its also too much of a gender so say youre agender. And this is the kind of stuff that confuses allistic trans people and makes them think nonbinary genders are making stuff up for attention, which isnt true at all we just cant explain what it feels like to BE a trans autistic person to anyone who doesnt ALREADY know how it feels.

In this study out of the ppl questioned almost HALF of the autistic trans individuals had a “Sense of identity revolving around interests” meaning their gender and identity was more based off what they liked rather than boy or girl. That makes ppl with stuff like vampgender or pupgender make a lot more sense now doesnt it? We see that even in the study: “My sense of identity is fluid, just as my sense of gender is fluid […] The only constant identity that runs through my life as a thread is ‘dancer.’ This is more important to me than gender, name or any other identifying features… even more important than mother. I wouldn't admit that in the NT world as when I have, I have been corrected (after all Mother is supposed to be my primary identification, right?!) but I feel that I can admit that here. (Taylor)” and an agreement from another saying “Mine is Artist. Thank you, Taylor. (Jessie)” now dont you think if they grew up with terms like artistgender or dancergender they would just YOINK those up right away????

In fact “An absence of a sense of gender or being unsure of how their gender should “feel” was another common report” because as ive said before in this post AUTISTIC PEOPLE DONT SEE GENDER THE WAY ALLISTIC PEOPLE SEE IT. therefore we wont use the same terms or have the same identities nor could we explain it to anyone who doesnt already understand or question the same way! Participants even offered up quotes such as “As a child and even now, I don't ‘feel’ like a gender, I feel like myself and for the most part I am constantly trying to figure out what that means for me (Betty)” and also “I don't feel like a particular gender I'm not even sure what a gender should feel like (Helen)”

Now i know this isnt going to change everyones minds on this stuff but i can only hope that it at least helped people feel like theyre not broken and not alone in their feelings about this. You dont have to follow allistic rules. You dont have to stop searching inside for who you really wanna be. And you dont have to pick or choose terms forever because just as you grow and evolve so may your terms. Its okay to not know what or who you are and its okay to identify as nonhuman things or as your interests because what you love and what you do is a big part of who you are and shapes you everyday. Its not a bad thing! Just please everyone, treat ppl with respect and if you dont understand something that doesnt make it bad or wrong it just means its not for you. And thats okay.

#autism #actuallyautistic #trans #nonbinary #xenogenders #neopronouns #lgbtq #adhd #nuerodivergent #gender identity

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krabmeat · 3 years

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𝟷𝟶𝟶 𝚏𝚘𝚕𝚕𝚘𝚠𝚎𝚛𝚜? 𝚝𝚘𝚍𝚊𝚢? 𝚊𝚝 𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚜 𝚝𝚒𝚖𝚎 𝚘𝚏 𝚠𝚎𝚎𝚔? 𝚒𝚗 𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚜 𝚔𝚒𝚗𝚍 𝚘𝚏 𝚢𝚎𝚊𝚛?

HELL YEAH FELLAS YOU HEARD THAT RIGHT!! FIRST MAJOR MILESTONE BAYBEEEE LETS GOOOOOO!!

guys, i really dont think you see how insanely mental this is. like what?!?! i joined here cause a friend of mine was gushing about a writer here and eventually convinced me to get tumblr. they called me their "noob reading friend /affectionate" and now look at me!! not even a year in and ive gained a crowd? thats so damn cool to think about!! to think that this many people are willing to put aside time in their day to read some fics made by me, im floored man!! all in all though, i have no one to thank but my wonderful mutuals and followers who have helped floor and construct the fantastic beginnings of this blog. which is why im here to bring you all this event that i sincerely hope you guys enjoy!

🦑KRABS KAN MAKE WRITING EVENTS WOW!!🦑

ALRIGHT FELLAS, IM DOING A WRITING EVENT!! HERES THE RULES AND PROMPTS NOW BOSSMEN!

~rules~

only 2 people per prompt

despite me not writing romantic fics yet, all participants are absolutely welcome to!

no smut/nsfw, im not that kind of blog and i do plan on reading entries so please dont submit anything related!!

any and all fics glorifying and supporting bigoted or misogynistic ideals will not be tolerated or respected. this is non-negotioable but if the fic has any of this that results in the putting down of or generally recognizing these ideals as negative then that is completely fine!

you are to use the quote prompts in your fic (im gonna be loose on this though so dw!! :DD)

you can use as many different prompts as youd like!!

please keep submissions in mcyt territory as thats who i write for most. but this doesnt confine to just mcyts in the dsmp! go wild dudes, hermitcraft, third life, pop off!!

keep all fics for minors platonic and platonic ONLY

generally know and respect the boundaries for ccs

when asking for a prompt, please put who you will be writing for!!

TAG ME IN YOUR FICS!! I CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH PLEASE ID ADORE IT IF YOU TAGGED ME SO I CAN READ YOUR WONDERFUL WORK!!

you can use and interpret the prompts any way you want! doesnt matter if its in the angst section, you see fluff potential? go for it, vice versa!!

~prompts~

~fluff~

"I swear, if you make us late one more time I'll tape a clock to your wrist." "Isnt that a watch-?" "Shut it!"

"Look! I think it likes me!" (@ohworm-writes with cc!beeduo)

"Man, how did I catch such a good person?"

"Yknow, your parents really did something great when they made you."

"WELL HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT WOULD HAPPEN?!" "THERE ARE WARNING LABELS RIGHT THERE!"

"Take a picture, itll last longer~" "Okay!" "Wait you actually did that-?"

"That does NOT fit you." "Yeah it does! Just gotta roll it up a bit!"

"You aren't 'built different', you're just stupid." (@ohworm-writes with cc!tommy @jschllatt with cc!sapnap

"If it ever happens again, tell me. You know i adore you."

"Well..they dont even deserve you anyways! Just look at you- gorgeous!!"

~angst~

"KEEP F*CKING WALKING, THEN! CANT EVEN FACE YOUR OWN DAMN PARTNER! (or friend! :])"

"No, youre amazing!" "Then why arent i treated like it?"

"Do it again, see if i care."

"Guys..? GUYS! THEY ARENT MOVING!"

"Put the damn drink down and talk to me!"

"Its about time you get whats due, you know."

"So not only do you think im stupid, but you also think im still naive?"

"Just take me seriously for once in your damn life!"

"You'd better start running in the next 5 seconds."

"What do you take me for, a joke?!" "Wasnt that obvious?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

now that thats done, heres the ask game part of the event!!! send me the corresponding emoji in my ask box and ill respond!

👽~ ill tell you a weird or memorable occurance that has happened on tumblr between friends and moots!

😳~ ill kin assign you and try to guess who you kin! (friends and moots only)

🍒~ ill rate your blog aesthetic on a scale of 1-10

🥀~ ill give you a bunch of emojis that remind me of you! (friends and moots only)

😎~ ill tell you obscure things i think are very neat!

🌺~ ill tell you a random interesting fact i know!

🦑~ if you send me a description of yourself, personality etc then ill write you a short ship fic with a mcyt!! specify if you want it to be platonic or romantic and if you want it to be c! or cc!(this is to work on my romantic writing!! friends and moots only)

💃~ ill tell you songs that remind me of you! (friends and moots only)

📕~ ill tell you something small or obscure i secretly think about you! (friends and moots only)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

now...onto the final part- HONOURABLE MENTIONS!!!

@myceliummenace ~ these guys got me into tumblr, some of my closest friends and theyve been supporting me since day one. i couldnt be happier to breathe the same air as these guys, they all deserve a crown and if you disagree i will chomp your hand

@niceimafan ~ an absolute saint!! i came across inks former writing blog and fell in love with both them and their wonderful work /p!!!! theyve helped me through some hellish times and are all around so damn open and accepting

@jschllatt ~ istfg this lady is just-- SOOOO BEAUTIFUL INSIDE AND OUT??? nat is incredibly talented and has encouraged me throughout my time here and i couldnt be happier with how weve grown as friends!! and i know, despite how wholesome and soft nat seems to be i promise you she knows how to keep a bit going like no other. an amazing moot, stay funky :]

@im-an-ungodly-mess ~ okay look,, i know i havent interacted with these guys for a lot buttt...CAN YOU REALLY BLAME ME??!!? LIKE CMON THEYRE ALL JUST SO COOL!!! the moment i met them i knew our chaotic energies would merge and boy did they merge alright. also theyre just insanely nice and super willing to endulge with me in my random interest which is always a sexy trait to have. 10 out of 10, these guys are neato

@ohworm-writes ~ ahhh wormmm, delightful all around and just a sweetheart....BUT THEYVE GOT SHENANIGANS- as well as being extremely skilled as well like, dayummm!!! i live for our bond over fandoms outside of the mcyt fandom and i feel blessed to have you be a moot! much love, dear!

@marcooze ~ bro....whyd you have to do me like that dude? being so gosh damn kind and accepting like that like sheesh all the stuff you reblog is gold!!! it can be the most cracked out post or the most serious and informational one. idgaf that youre a reblog blog, you mean the world to me and i shall place a supple kiss on your hand as bros do <3

@ramzawrites ~ THE FIRST WRITERS BLOG IVE EVER FOLLOWED!!! ramza dear, if no one has ever told you how iconic you are then PLEASE LET ME BE THE FIRST!!! everything you do leaves me in awe and despite your talent, you still have miles and miles of kindness and generosity? you are one in a million, ramza. you deserve everything and please know how much you mean to me. thank you for supporting me so much for so long, and i hope your days are filled with really cool rocks :]]

#krabs kommunicating #krabs has 100 wow!!#mcyt x reader #mcyt x platonic reader #mcyt x you #mcyt x y/n #dsmp x platonic reader #dsmp x you #dsmp x reader #dsmp requests #dsmp x y/n #writing event

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yourclownpal · 3 years

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A comprehensive list of all my Ghost au's

this post will be talking about all of the ghost au's ive created or co-created including talking about ghost au's from old fandom's that i am no longer in. if you want to ask about any of my au's my ask box and dm's are always open this includes the hermitcraft au but keep it to a minimum please also if any of the creator's of the characters have said that they arent comfortable with what im making ( with proof ofc) i will edit or delete what is needed to fit in the boundaries also another thing this is a long post if you just want the art go under the cut! this post will discuss how each au works and basic plot stuff about them the fandoms in this post are hermitcraft, epithet erased, and dsmp okay first things first-

my hermitcraft au (what a pity)-

On my old tumblr account I made a few posts about it along with a fanfic which never got finished due to me not wanting to interact with the fandom any more due to personal reasons and also I'm not very good at writing imo but I think I'm ready to talk about it again. Just keep in mind i will most likely not talk about this fandom ever again at least not on here again for personal preference : -) it was about season 6 Grian since he was who i was hyperfixating on at the time, being haunted by the ghosts of Sam and Taurtis, both of them from the old roleplay series' Yandere High School, and Tokyo Soul, and taurtis from Grians old-ish smp Evo. Since I never finished the fanfiction nobody but me and close friends ever got to hear the full story i had planned but now you will i guess. It was mainly just grian stressing about Sam and Taurtis being ghosts and him worrying about being crazy, though he would still join the hippies during the area 77 war he would be significantly more stressed especially when finding out that Sam and Taurtis have been possessing his body during the night, he’s more worried about Sam though because of his track record back in the other servers( yhs and ts) it was going to be that Sam (although death isn't permanent) would go on a killing spree in Grians body which would cause the area 77 guys to put him in the facility to see what's going on with him, and it didn't get further then that. My favorite part of this au much like all of my au’s were the design elements i had for it which i'll have under the cut with the other designs. Now for a rundown of how the ghost physics work in this world, in typical ghost fashion Sam and Taurtis were not able to touch or move anything, but they were able to interact with Grian, him being the only person who could see/hear/or touch them. Their only super natural abilities is being able to possess Grian.

Okay! Time for my Epithet Erased au!: Unlike what a pity this one doesn't have a name or a fanfic to go with it as said before i'm not exactly a writer but i have talked about it a bit before on this account along with posting the designs and general concept but i'll go more in depth here! As said in my original post this au was a co-creation with my best friend and sibling @brocolibean so go check bun out ^^ Unlike ‘What a Pity’ it was more lighthearted and comedy centric because it dealt with a bit more and also the original show is a comedy. This au didn't include the character’s epithets so they are all humans. This will also include talking about house each ghost died so if your uncomfortable hearing about that you might want to skip the ghosts portion Just like the original post I'll separate the story summary into 3 parts with intervals in between to talk about the ghosts. First we have the Banzai boys part of the story. Giovanni, Spike, Dark Star, Crusher, Flame Thrower, Car Crash, and Ben all decide to move into a house together so they could all easily split the rent since its close to their collage, the house, which they get for cheap, is aa very old house with sketchy history. But it's a huge house for cheap so they don't complain they encounter the ghosts very early on living in the house and they swear to figure out how they died so they can get their memory back! The ghosts, Molly, Sylvie, Trixie, and Pheonica have no memory! All they know is that there are ghosts! They are connected to the property of this house but if you where to get something- like perhaps a stone from the property the ghost is still technically attached to it therefore the ghost can go with you anywhere Speaking of- -Phoenicia Fleecity is one of the last ghosts to show herself, her body is found in the overgrown garden flowers growing over her skeleton, she is from the victorian era making her the oldest out of the ghosts though he death is the most mysterious -Molly Blindeff is the first ghost the group meets her decomposed body is found buried in the floorboards of the living room, found when gio decided that the house needed renovation and taking matters into his own hands, she died via blunt force trauma i will not be going into detail here because i'm still thinking of doing something with this au she died in the early 2000’s -Sylvester Ashling is the second ghost to show himself though he didn't want to, his body was found in the bottom of the pond in the backyard of the house in the garden. His body while it was decomposing and falling apart was still intact, bloated from drowning. Again i wont go into detail but this wasn't an accident time of death is unknown -Trixie Roughhouse is the third person to show themselves to the Banzai Blasters she is found in the bushes in the backyard her face disfigured from some sort of explosion unlike the others it seems like it was purely an accident, like sylvie their time of death is unknown Mera Salamin is the collages part time librarian nicknamed “the library witch” she started seeing her ghost after obtaining a neck bow with a blue pendant from a pawnshop she got it cause it was pretty and didn't expect a himbo to come along with it -Indus Tarbella is a ghost who is attached to the pendant and bow Mera wear it used to be his own until he was decapitated wearing it through he was properly buried he has no troublesome memories about what happened even after seeing his body he’s just happy to be with Mera Percival King is a security guard at the college and one of the best at that, she wields a story she got from a pawn shop as its her preferred weapon she takes her job very seriously -Ramsey and Zora both died by the same sword while fighting neither remember who wielded the sword, even after death they hate each other and hate being bound together even more Everyone ends up meeting and finding out they all have ghost hijinks ensue. The way ghosts work in this world is a bit strange I'll admit but it's one of my favorites. The ghosts can interact with the human world(menma style) but

they can only talk to the others who can see them (the Banzai Blasters, mera and percy) and the ghosts can interact with each other ghosts in this au attach themselves to an item or property that has someway to do with their death, the kids in the property, Indus it's the bow, and the sword duo is well, the sword Percy carries. As alluded to from before Gio and the rest of the boys end up carrying a bit of the property with them in the form of friendship bracelets four for each of them which makes 28 different bracelets so the kids can decide who to follow around for the day.i talked about how percy and Mera’s items work enough but i would like to mention that Indus does most of the heavy lifting around the library but becaus enoone else can see indus they assume she’s magical, the glowing pendant doesn't help.

The last two au’s i want to talk about are both dream smp au’s

though i've never talked about them online until now, again thanks to @brocolibean for letting me brain vomit my way through these au’s and helping me out with things i love them please check him out I'll be honest i'm so scared of this fandom so i'm afraid to talk about my au’s please be nice to me Also this is all roleplay and fiction!<3 The first one i'll talking about is the dsmp ghost hunters au Sam runs a company where groups of people hunt ghosts for money! Those groups being Phil, Technoblade, Wilbur,Tommy, Tubbo, and Ranboo Dream, George, Sapnap, Quackity, Karl Bad, ant, Skeppy, and Puffy There’s most likely more but there the only people i can think of at this moment The only canonical ghost being Schlatt This au doesn't have a proper story perse it's more about gags and stuff about the different character fighting over ghosts for money but the story stuff i do have- Sbi family dynamic is real here you can rejoice, Phil adopts Tubbo after his dad (Schlatt) kicks the bucket and fucking dies , Tubbo befriend’s Ranboo some mysterious teen who just desperately needs a job so he- and the rest of the Minecraft family help him get one- though they find out Ranboo isnt as human as he was made out to be and he finds out he’s this worlds version of angels called ender’s and he’s there to protect Tubbo and Tommy which explains why the more violent ghosts start being less violent at the arrival of Ranboo joining their team. Bad isn't human either being a demon his entire group know’s plus quackity. Quackity found out but squirting him with holy water through a water gun but don't worry he promised not to tell anyone; -) Bad and Ranboo know about each other because they see each other as their true forms The minecraft fam found out about Schlatt being a ghost through Tommy- despite Tubbo telling him not to- telling them from calling up and paying for them to investigate their own house saying “technically i didn't tell them” they ended up not getting rid of Schlatt though I'm not going to talk about how the ghosts here work because it's not super important to the plot

The second au is another ghost au where the main characters are ghosts themselves,

like the others its mainly lighthearted and comedic with dark attributes The plot surrounds the sbi family moving into a new house and Tommy finding out it's being haunted by two ghost’s. Those ghosts being Tubbo and Ranboo This au isn't fully figured out but I know that he found out he was haunted by sending a selfie to someone(possibly Drista and Purpled? Since there are only other minors who were part of the dsmp lore? But ultimately idk) and them being like “yo i didn't know you had friends” and him being like “?????” Tubbo died from a boiler exploding and Ranboo died from drowning (which are apparently my two favorite deaths) this also doesn't have an official story? It was just an excuse to make ghost designs with a bit of a story without the commitment As said before it's a sbi au but also a Dadschlatt au cuz I like Dadschlatt au’s. The main story bits i have are background stuff for Tubbo and Ranboo which ill elaborate now The house was originally meant to be just a summer home because it had a large lake in the backyard Ranboo’s family would go there often but that doesn't mean his family liked him very much because of his heterochromia, Vitiligo, and his height his family thought he was strayed from god and drowned him Tubbo died during sleep while Schlatt wasn't home either out drinking or just at work he came home to the house being partially blown up and his son nowhere to be seen he calls Puffy out of fear and she calls the cops. He moves away and most likely starts drinking a bit more. The house gets rebuilt and now the sbi live there hijinks ensue! The ghosts in this au work in a simpler manor only Tommy can see them unless a photo is taken but even then they are blurred, they can float and go through walls and their ability to touch things is limited Ranboo’s memory is worse then Tubbo’s but Tubbo’s isn’t much better.

below the cut will be designs and stuff be safe pal's- there will be minor/cartoony blood-

rip me exposing my old art on this account also i'm ripping these from my fucking amino account that i don't use but still have the password too

gonna do the original what a pity drawins first them ill show a more recent rendition because i hate the old drawings

these are the old drawins i hate them

then,,, i just drew them,,,,, fuck these guys/j

thses are the old sprite edits of these four! trixies design is the only one that really changed

the ded;-; i couldnt fit him on the page

there he is! ft indus and very much alive mera(who i cant figure out how to FUCKING DRAW-)

gay's get wilbur'd/j

they lookin for ghosts

the whole fmaily is here but its quality is shit

these bitches dead! good for them,,, good for them,,,,,,/j/rp

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ayzashl · 4 years

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Pairing: Shoto Todoroki x Reader

Genre: Fluff, Crack (i think)

Also um, im new to these so sorry for possible gramatical errors or typos (i dont double check bc I literally was bored doing this and just, decided to share it on tumblr lmao)

Disclaimer, I made this out of boredom because I was thinking about exams and stuff and was wondering about how my husbando would react about my situation, having placed on high ranks barely putting efforts towards studying lmao (Not rlly bragging im sorry if it came out as bragging :((, i jusy rlly be curious and hopefully I portrayed it like how I expected for him to react, sorry im new to writing bc I mainly draw🌚👉👈)

***

It was already sunset. The hues of yellow, orange and red envelops the dorms of U.A high school, its gradient tinting the windows of the students occupying the rooms shine bright, displaying its vibrant colors on the inside of each dorms facing the sunset.

You, who were sitting on your knees, switching positions time to time, searching for a particular pose to get comfortable while drawing on your boyfriend's kotatsu in his dorm, door leading into the balcony open, making the cold breeze of late October allow itself to enter the room.

Autumn has already arrived, and that also means midterm exams. It had just finished today. After a almost whole month of preparing for the exams, and the 3 days of taking it, the students of 1-A was relieved and relaxing in their rooms as the days of hardhips were finally over, plus its a Friday so the students were scattered on each others dorms due to the upcoming weekend.

You were taking a sip of your juicebox, almost emptying it now out of frustration for having a hard time drawing a hand. In your opinion, the struggle was equal or actually a lot harder than your midterms. Art frustrates you a lot and your boyfriend wonders why you still do it, yet never really ask you since he can also tell you're really passionate about it than your other hobbies.

He was sitting on his futon, leaning againts the wall as he stare at your back figure, watching you scribble something on your sketchpad and aggressively erasing it afterwards, making the papers crumble into the direction on where you rub it, making you groan in annoyance even more.

As he observes your actions, a thought runs up his mind, asking himself the same particular questions over and over again.

"Why?"

He asks himself. Why were you putting most of your effort into this drawing? Why were you more irritated in this than the midterm exams?

"Just..... why?"

Shoto had noticed you since the start of your so-called-library-dates, although its mostly just you accompanying him to gather resources for the upcoming exams while you just scan your notes or draw, or read a completely different book whose topic is not related to your exams.

Its always been like that everyday, he never really saw you offer a lot of your energy in terms of studying, like most of the students does, as he noticed the library being almost full as soon as October started.

He saw you scan your notes time to time, yes. But full on concentration on studies? no, never seen you. The most of what he saw were you fixate immensely on your math notebook before exams started, and that was it.

The exams ended abruptly on the second day but there was extra curricular on the Hero's Course on the third day before their final grade were posted. And yes, both of you did well. After the announcement, Shoto (and you) were shocked to find out that you were in 6th place and he placed in 5th. You both exchanged congratulations, you mostly squealing out of joy to actually achieve this particular rank.

Shoto on the other hand was, doubting?. Of course he feels happy for you, but at the back of his mind, he was a little agitated. You both got the exam results at the end of the third day and to his surprise (and also yours, but internally) your scores were high, almost having the amount of same mistakes as him, except your math which you devastatingly, almost failed (lmao), which merely affected your overall result since your scores were high anyways.

Your boyfriend wasnt the type to get irritated over these things, heck yeah he feels ecstatic over your accomplishment, signal the kiss he gave you on your forehead plus the soft look he gave you with a slight smile displayed on his face. But there was a faint thought of doubt running through the back of his head, how did you get such results when you were barely even studying? There was no way you would cheat right? He didnt want to accept it, he didnt want to doubt you, but it was the one of the highest possibilities that was mostly that likely happened, as he could think of right now.

He couldnt let go of this thought unless he confronts you about it right now, so he decided to ask you, waiting for a few moments, observing you, waiting for you to calm down a little from your work.

"Y/n...."

"Hmm?" you hum, not turning yout back at him, eyes and most of your attention fixated on the paper.

"How did you manage to get a high rank even though I barely saw you studying?" he finally asks, hoping you wont get offended by it, but this thought had been bothering him a little, and he wouldnt be satisfied until he gets his answer, as the stubborn man that he is.

"Are you doubting me?" you say in an offended tone, although you meant it sarcastically, turning your back, giving Shoto your full attention now as you crawl towards him, pencil dropping in the background as you make your way towards your boyfriend, offering him to lay down as you pat his futon. He complies so, already knowing you wanted to cuddle whenever you do that certain action.

You cuddle next to him, facing him as you give him a smile to reassure him that you werent offended by him back then. "Did you notice that in class, I always, almost bury my head on my notebook, writing on it almost 24/7 whenever lecture starts?" you ask him, as you start to fidget his hair on the sides which you and him really enjoy, making its way up to his bangs, and back and fort.

"You were.... writing?" Shoto asks, raising an eyebrow with the same stoic face who seemed not to show a lot of emotions, a little dumbfounded. "I thought you were doodling". You burst out in laughter from the small misunderstanding of your boyfriend.

"Of course I was. You see, whatever the teacher blurts about that sounds important to me, I write it down because, you know, its usually what appears in exams" you explain to him, closing your eyes time to time as if you were a philosopher, passionately explaining your beliefs, only with an added self-sense of humor. As he was on the other had was, fascinated.

I mean, who knew?

"Also just to clarify things, I do put some extra effort on, some of my studies"

"By some you mean just the science topic you reported you keep rereading everyday"

"......yes"

Shoto lighlty chuckles as he moves your head to his chest, placing an arm on your head, planting a kiss on your forehead, as a sign of affection like he always does. He feels a little guilty, assuming you were cheating but in the end, you were just and always has been the genius that you were. Heck if you actually put a lot of effort in your study, you might actually come out at the top in the class, but he's aware you have other things to focus and worry about as his eyes gaze at the table with a slightly crumpled juice box standing out.

"Were you mad?" you ask, out of curiousity. You had assumed he was maybe upset about the results because he gets a little too competitive or has the sentiment that he has to prove that he only isnt good with his powers, but in academics as well, considering his situation.

He lightly shook his head as he fully encloses you to his grasp, leg placed on your sides, locking you in as he settles his face on your hair, inhaling the sweet scent of your lavender shampoo in which he always adores.

You on the other hand, was relieved now that the matter was somehow resolved? Putting those thoughts at the back of your head, your perception of relief was shortly replaced by a wave of worry as you lightly chuckle of uneasiness.

"Shoto?" you tap his sides, body tightly secured onto his. This was the one that made worry. His hands tightly clutching you, but not too much, leg on your sides, locking you in so that you wont get away easily, to him it made him feel happy, knowing that you werent going away and draw for a while. You've had situations like these already and all you ever do is give up and shower him with affection, already knowing he was slightly, probably getting a little touch starved, craving for your attention and affection. But in your situation right now, it was, unpleasant, so to say.

Not after you just finished your juicebox.

-Disclaimer, uh, I made this from

He hums in response, head tilted a little more into your head's direction. He was sure you would have given up already, knowing that he will never let you go.

"I need to pee"

"..."

"Shoto..."

"........"

"Sho"

"All I can say is good luck getting out"

"......"

"Noooooooohohohoooo!!!" you exclaim, with a sarcastic crying in your tone. This was gonna be one hell of a struggle.

Im bad at explaining things, hope you did enjoy reading this as much as I did though :))

#shoto todoroki x reader #shoto torodoki #todoroki shoto x reader #shoto x y/n #shoto x you #todoroki x reader #todoroki imagine #one shot #bnha oneshot #bnha crack #bnha fanfic

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uchiharunos · 4 years

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Well hello 👋

I dislike getting involved in Tumblr drama these days because this place just gets more tiring day by day and it’s been a long while since I have shifted to Twitter. However as it is, since the root of the discourse seems to be here, I thought I would give a piece of my mind here too as I have been sharing it on Twitter.

I consider myself a consumer and a minor producer. Yes, a producer because if readers/supporters can be reduced to mere consumers of “fan creators” then these so called people are the producers. It’s the only right thing to say in my opinion. That said, if people are bent on making fandom, a space where fans of an original work join and create/enjoy being together because fandom is supposed to be a place to enjoy, a getaway from reality, an escape where you make friends with people who genuinely share the same interests and enthusiasm as you and not some fucking business transaction where consumers are merely described as “people sucking off content creators” then fuck them.

While I do support the idea of leaving fan-authors reviews(I honestly LOVE getting even one review on my work) I do not support the idea of guilt tripping and shaming people to do so. As a girl who comes from a non English speaking country, I can tell you not everyone learns English and grammar from proper sources ( it’s mostly the tv shows, movies some books here and there because believe me it’s hard to even get classic best selling books here which are readily available in other countries) and the confidence to speak/write a second or third language. It doesn’t come naturally. It hard to not doubt your grammar, your use of words while communicating with a person who you don’t know personally or have never talked with one on one. It’s hard.

So no I don’t blame readers for not always leaving me reviews because I understand. Reviews for me are an added gift. A gift I don’t even think I always deserve because I do not think I am perfect, I do not think I deserve to be placed upon such a high pedestal by people who admire me because I have written some words on the internet (which I am sure have a thousand grammatical mistakes) I don’t know how anyone else takes this, but please, please know kudos/subscribe or favorite/follow means a lot too. You are NOT trash if you do those. I understand, because I have been there once too. I understand how you can have issues, I understand how you might find me intimidating, I understand my fanfiction not being you cup of coffee, I understand. I do not believe in give and take, in fact, I thank people who have even spared a little of their time to enjoy my art/edits and fanfiction. I may not know how happy my fic made you but the feeling you felt while reading my fic? That’s something important to me. Knowing something always doesn’t make it better.

Now, don’t ever feel sad that a fanfic author left fandom because that one time you didn’t review. That one time you didn’t appreciate them. No. Every creator starts off small, and I believe when they do start creating its because they need an outlet to share their love for their ship with other people. I personally write for sasusaku, and not anyone else. I love it when you enjoy, but to me, my readers are secondary to my love and need to write/draw sasusaku and to explore them in different settings/universes. So it’s a gift to me if you enjoy what I enjoy doing. THAT MEANS A LOT BELIEVE ME.

The fandom is NOT dying. Don’t take these tumblr randoms make you believe something it isn’t. Yes it is inactive on Tumblr (I think so because that’s what my mutuals on Twitter have been telling me and from what I see) but on Twitter? It’s active as ever. Not 2014 active, because lets be honest, when a series ends most people move onto different fandoms because they get different interests and it’s been roughly 6 years. That was bound to happen.

Thankfully, Sasuke Retsuden revived most of the fandom again. I would like to believe since then many people have shifted to Twitter (because I have been making lot of new friends lately haha who told me they shifted because this place sucks!) and all in all, if you know how to block those antis on Twitter, it’s a really neat place [I can say that people on Twitter have more brains than here] I would think that we are still the most active part of the Naruto fandom there, along with Japanese artists/fans. So if you are ever considering to shift there, (there’s so much more engagement for arts/fics there too) please do so?!

Also ( I forgot to add this before) but FANDOM ISNT A ONE PERSON THING. ALL OF YOU AND ME, SILENT READER OR NOT, CONTENT CREATOR OR NOT, REGARDLESS OF YOUR FANBASE/ FOLLOWER COUNT AND POPULAR CIRCLE OF FRIENDS KEEP THIS FANDOM ALIVE.

Anyways, this has to be the longest post on my tumblr that was posted by me. Lastly, I would say the thing which I have always wanted to, review from your heart, review something that actually made you feel and support only if you want to. Everyone is in a bad place somehow,not everyone’s life is all sunshine and rainbows. Don’t review because you would be shamed if you didn’t do so, not because your conscience would keep nagging you how bad of a person you are if you didn’t leave a review. It’s not the pity I need, it’s the love I would prefer. Always remember kudos/likes are enough too.❤️

#sasusaku #fanfiction #just my thoughts on this #idc what yall say #discourse #not really a keyboard warrior #but i said what i said

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indigopurple · 5 years

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Basically a review of OP episode 503 ig

Currently rewatching post-war arc (in the dub so I don't have any screenshots for u guys sry) and theres a few things id like to point out.

During a conversation Dadan once had with Garp, they were talking about Roger. Garp said that even if they were facing powerful enemies, he would never run away because he wouldnt dare leaving his comrads behind; it wasnt an option for him. Obviously we see this in Ace. But ALSO, isnt this what he did with Katakuri? It was a little different cuz of the setting mostly, but he separated himself from his crew to fight off katakuri, and lied to them about being okay so they didn't worry (he was already getting his ass kicked by then, so he just made that stupid smile and told them not to worry (or smth like that, I can remember the exact line) (that smile was so gross and fake cuz he fucking sucks at lying). Also he said roger destroyed a buncha soldiers cuz they mouthed off his men. That's what Ace tried to do but instead he died. :(

"The pain he went through just made him hold on tighter to the ones he loved" -Garp, about Roger. "Despite his flaws and his bad reputation, his crew still trusted him completely." -also Garp, about Roger. These both sound a lot like Luffy AND Ace.

When Dogra got home and told everyone about Sabo's ship being shit down and him dying (which we all know didnt happen, thank fuck), (by the way the absolutely lost looks on Ace's and Luffy's faces with the sudden silence hurt like a bitch), Luffy started crying and said "WE SHOULDNT'A LET HIM GO, IT'S ALL OUR FAULT". Which fucking says something about him (thinking of episodes 913-915 when he goes fucking berserk, but before that he learns that Kaido probably killed Tama and he says "I should've escorted them..!" (*ugly cries*)). Ace also reacted pretty similarly-- "Sabo...why didn't we go back into town and bring him back here?! We're so stupid!" And he gets mad and asks where he could find the bastard that killed him (obviously not getting a good answer since it was a fucking celestial dragon ugh). That is what Luffy does, in present time. He results to anger first, not sadness. Not sure when he learned to do that but I'm 99 percent sure it was from Ace. Also the blaming himself thing? High chance thats ALSO from Ace. Who else would teach him that self hating behaviour?!

Dadan pins Ace down to stop him from going after the Celestial Dragon to calm him down, telling him he cant do anything, he's not big or strong enough to do anything and he'll be killed as soon as he tries anything, especially since it was the whole country -the whole WORLD- that killed Sabo. He can't do anything. And then they tied him to a tree outside to let him cool off. Oh yeah then he also told luffy to stop crying like a little girl or else he'll- (and he didn't finish the sentence). ...Ok maybe thats why luffy started being more angry than sad.

This is where things get a little more :( . Ace reads the letter Sabo sent them before he died. As he reads, he walks to the end of the forest, to a cliff overlooking the ocean. And starts fucking bawling (btw the voice actor who had Ace's childhood part did not do a very good job, no where near as in character and real as Coleen Clickenberg did with all of Luffy's crying scenes. She was spot on.) ...do you see where im going with that? He isolated himself before letting himself feel sad. It was all rage and then calm beforehand. Y-you see where im going with that. Dont make me say it.

"How's Luffy doing, is he any better?" "Well...he hasnt been eating much, but he still eats twice as much as we do". Oh look, That's what happened after Ace died too. There's a behavioral pattern that hasnt gone away. Not sure why it wouldve tho.

Luffy is mopeing, lying on the ground in a similar setting ace was at when he cried. Hes thinking about some of the things Sabo said, like how theyre gonna sail the seas together, and he clenches his hands into tight, shaking fists. After Ace shows up and hits him, and talking abt some other stuff I don't feel like relaying, Luffy tightens his grip on the straw hat and tells ace, whimpering, he wants to get stronger (and stronger, and stronger, and stronger and stronger and....) And he wants to be the strongest in the world. "And then, I'll protect everyone. I won't lose anyone I care about". He gets stronger mainly to protect the people he loves. And then he asks ace to promise he won't die. To which he hits Luffy again and tells him he should be more worried about himself dying first. And then the famous line that hurts like a bitch- "I'm NEVER going to DIE!" And then this hopeful music comes on (fucking damnit funimation, u gotta do this? Really??) Also he says he wont die as long as he has a wussy little brother to protect. ...FUCK. Ok, the fist clenching is a thing he does all the fucking time, usually when he gets mad. This was different because he wasnt mad, he was sad. He clenched his fist because thinking about it hurt. Which, huh, sounds a lot like his whole episode after waking up from his 2 week coma on the polar tang. To try and stop the mental pain of those horrendous memories, he resulted to physically pain. He hurt himself. So, He clenches his fists in times like these to fight off the mental pain and the urge to cause himself physical pain. Guys, our boy is bad at emotions, help him. ....ok this paragraph is longer than I anticipated so ill dumb down the rest of it ig. Next part, him asking ace to promise he wont die. The music, the body language, the over change in mood- this comforts him. He stopped hiding his face and silently sobbing after ace said this. OH YEAH! didn't he tell jinbe not to die when they parted ways in Totto Land? And then, hes missing still in Wano and we see Luffy is worried....but convinced Jinbe will show up. Again, this comforts him. Hes nervous cuz someone KOFF KOFF ACE broke that promise once. But jinbe is his crew mate so he trusts him, thank god.

"-But whoever did it, they must be opposed to freedom." The whole freedom thing? That runs through Luffy's blood and spirit.His brothers fought for it, his dad is the man who strives to give everyone freedom basically, and Luffy himself has seen enough of the OPPOSITE of freedom to be so, so much more than just against it. Hence why he of course was so eager to free the slaves in Sabaody, the kids in punk hazard, the toys in dressrosa, the country of Wano from Kaido's tyrany. The apple doesnt fall far from the tree huh.

I dont think Luffy would remember his promise with Shanks if it werent for his brothers putting feul to his dream. It was a stupid bet at first; he just wanted to beat Shanks, right then. But after meeting Sabo and Ace, he found the opposite of freedom and human rights. And then he wanted, REALLY wanted, to become the free-est man in the world; the pirate king.

Last one i promise ok? This one is less connected to whats going on in the episode at this point, but something I noticed (its so obvious everyone has seen this ok) was when luffy cries, his posture is always open. He doesn't curl in on himself like many people would do (I know I would, lol). He doesnt hug himself, protect himself. He's just, opened up to whoever is watching, literally. This has a little more to do with something I haven't talked about much in this post yet; his self-destruction issues. I said he tried to hurt himself when he felt mental pain, which is definitely similar. But he cries and doesnt try to protect or comfort himself, like he doesn't have that programmed into his mind. Reminder that he only wants to live because of his dream, and if he doesnt have his dream, he wants to die. (Whoa.). Ok, so no self preservation mechanism at all rlly. Hes basically ride or die. So, when things hurt so much that he cries, he has no hope left. He just kinda...dies inside. So this was mildly different after sabo died. Yes we saw him just standing there, sobbing. But the next day he's still crying, and instead he's laying on the ground. I saw that and the voice in the back of my head told me he wanted to be a part of that lifeless dirt beneath him. Then, Ace walked over. And his words made him feel the hope that I told you about earlier, and he sat up into a sitting position. And HUGGED HIS LEGS TO HIS CHEST. There's some self preservation! Some hope! Some will to exist, to live! Something we saw none of as he sat in front of his brothers corpse, shutting down. He sat there, open to his enemies, incapable of protecting himself. Practically anyone couldve killed him right then and there. I think he mightve liked that, at that moment. Like thank god he has that stupidly good luck cuz if he didn't I swear someone couldve thrown and axe or FUCKING ANYTHING AT THAT MOMENT and hed be dead becuase he never physically or mentally prepared himself. On purpose.

Our poor boy needs some fucking attention and therapists. (Insert my rant post about how jinbe is on the crew primarily for anger management and therapy, not just being a helmsman.) Ugh, smh ugly cries

Aaaaand thats about the end of the episode. Theres so many little tics and peesonality traits that you notive thru this episode, and I only noticed them cuz im rewatching this part of the show for like the third time. I don't react as much as the first time of course but some things are definitely sadder after knowing what's going on and what will happen later on.

Moral of the story (post)? I think luffy is almost equally as alike -if not, more similar to roger as ace is. Also, high key genuinely think Luffy met like NO ONE but Garp before he met Shanks and his crew. What the fuck was his first like 5 years of being alive like? (He wantd to be a pirate cuz Garp didnt want that. Rebellious baby asshole. And then shanks made things worse, in a good way for luffy. And then ace and sabo made that worse thing worse for a good reason. Luffy lives...for those influences. And that is fucking it. Why.

Oh thanks tumblr for moving my picture to the bottom of the post u fucking idiot

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mars-the-4th-planet · 5 years

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The Trial of Roman Torchwick and Neopolitan (take three gdonamenenshetebd end me)

Neo and Roman were in a courtroom together, handcuffed and on podiums. One being pink, with Neo on it, and the other being blue with Roman. Roman was on the right side adjacent to the entrance, and Penny was also there to the left side of the entrance. (thanks to tumblr this is the third time I have had to explain this.)

Roman, noticing this arrangement, smirked and said "Looks like me and the gingerbread toaster are going to make an ice cream sandwich~" Which made one of the guards next to him giggle.

The judge slammed his gavel on the wood. "Silence, redheaded scum. It is time to begin your trial."

The judge was on the wall opposite to the entrance, on a huge jet black podium with real jet turbines sticking out the front. They were not functional anymore however.

Roman and Neo were each flanked by two guards, in full tactical armor and tasers. This is due to the fact that they had a history of escaping. Penny was deactivated, chained up in a ball, with her backpack full of swords removed. She was surrounded by a six-pack of guards welding spray cans full of robot deactivation dust. The cans were each labled "Sapper Spray: for naughty machinery!"

"Roman Torchwick, you are charged with Gangster Activity including robbery, snobbery, thieving, canieving, smuggling, juggling (without a license) assault, including using a flashy stun cane weapon on security guards and witnesses. How do you plead?" The judge asked in a stern voice.

Roman knew he was guilty, and he knew that the pair of juries knew he was guilty, and he knew there was no getting out of it. So he decided to mess with the judge. "I plead for you to [redacted] my [extra redacted], your glorious honor!"

This angered the judge. "So, you plead guilty then? Very well. Idiot. Next is you, Neopolitan. Since you are Romans wife, you are thereby charged with the same crimes as he is, as a wife is but an extension of the husband. And-"

"Hey wait! We are not married, do you see a ring on the finger?" Roman turned to the side and showed his middle finger to the judge. Which resulted in more guard giggling. The judge ignored him and continued.

"-since he has pleaded guilty through uncooperation, you are hereby found guilty of all of those as well. Wife, female parter, irrelevant. Same thing different name. In addition, you are charged with the murder of Jacques Schnee. I loved Schnee as a boy, I always looked up to him. And you killed him in cold blood. Why? Didnt you know he is a single father of three? How must his children feel?"

(his children felt pretty great actually. Weiss and Whitley were doing the crab rave dance, and even winter had joined in by doing the foxfaunus-trot. All of which to celebrate that their father who had pit them against one another was gone.)

"So how do you plead, Neopolitan?"

Neo mouthed something.

"Speak up."

Neo glared at him.

"She cant talk dumbass. I cant believe how often this is not immediately obvious to people..." Roman grumbled.

The judge pounded his gavel again with a responding boom. "Silence, redhead! No one asked your soulless mouth for an opinion."

"Fact, not opinion." Roman corrected.

The judge could do sign language, but Neo was handcuffed so it didnt matter. "You are also defaulted guilty due to uncooperation." The Judge added. The guards and jury chuckled.

The juries were in two groups. The Hexadon, which were sixteen peers with normal clothes, and the Octocourt, which were eighteen peers wearing purple octopus hats. It was time for each group to decide on a punishment as they had already reached a verdict and had gone through the evidence beforehand. Once both sides had decided on a sentence, the judge would choose between them. If they could not decide, the least popular option would be removed from the equation and the people who wanted it would have to switch to something else. Then that would be repeated until there was only one left. If they had a tie, for example eight in the Hexadon wanted one thing and the other eight wanted something else, the judge could be the tiebreaker.

"Juries of Vale, it is time to process the information available to decide on the sentences of these affirmed guilty criminals. We will take an hour for each group to discuss amoung themselves in private rooms seperately. Look at your cards to see the various options you may vote on. Ranging from five years to the death sentence and in between for these crimes." The Judge said, and pounded his gavel lightly. "Break court."

Normally voting for no punishment at all was also an option, but that was only if the accused pleaded not guilty.

I will of course skip to the results, as otherwise it would be pretty boring.

The Hexadon was highly concerned with lethality, and took respect in the fact that Roman Torchwick did not have any known cases of murder as he used a weapon that stunned and disoriented and weakened its targets rather than simply kill. You would have to shoot someone with aura or armor several times to kill them, and twice to kill a normal person. And Torchwick avoided doing this. So they only voted ten years for him. But they hated Neo for killing Jacques, such an important and "handsome" man, so they wanted a life sentence for her.

The Octocourt on the other hand, hated them both and thought that Roman was just trying to appeal to his fans by not killing people or being incompent and unable to be as lethal as he liked, so they wanted twenty-five years for him and forty for Neo. They thought Neo was essentially as bad as Roman, but more dangerous and letting her out earlier would be too risky. The Judge chose the sentences individually so he selected the ones that were harsher for both of them as he had a personal strong dislike for Roman and Neo. "Torchwick isnt even threatening, he should not have been a criminal in the first place." He was later quoted on.

However after Roman, Neo, and Penny were taken away, General Ironwood came in.

"Honorable Judge, where is Penny Polendina?" He asked, with a stern look at the judge who stared sternly back.

"She went rogue and was an accomplice in the murder of Jacques Schnee. She is to be disassembled post haste for the safety of the people."

Ironwood narrowed his eyes. "Penny did not even know that the killing had taken place. She is innocent. And her apparent workings with the criminals was all due to a plan to arrest them."

The judge pounded his gavel. "It has already been decided, and besides, you only want her free because you have grown attached to that robot."

General Ironwood placed his hand on his gun. "Not just me, but Atlas and the Huntsman and Huntress communities are very fond of Penny Polendina. She is an example of how one can create a powerful protector robot without it being a vicious or mindless killer. If you destroy my robot..."

"What?"

"Atlas will consider it a declaration of war."

#Rwby

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alicezan-ncgred · 6 years

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Bleeding Red

Preface: I’ve been bitching around the bush of this long enough. So, I’ve been really silent on a bunch of stuff that’s been eating me alive which has made me both inactive and unproductive. I’m going to get straight to the point, starting off with the TL:DR from my post on my main blog. Context: An anon asked me if I was alright because I hadn’t updated in a while.

TL:DR You probably didn’t ask this to hear about all the bad shit of my life so here’s the short of it. No, I’m not doing fine. I will try get next weeks post out on time and I’ll work on making up on the lost posts. Updates will return regularly, ‘ite.

Time for the thick and thin of it.

Insecurity and being shafted: I’m stoic, even at my worst I won’t say anything. I’ll push through regardless of my current condition and since I’ve gone years like this, it’s not hard for me to do. In my real life situation, I’m currently in a place of social isolation. This has lead to a somewhat near reliance on Tumblr to be my social outlet. This present many issues.

The main one is that I’m quite the isolationist. This has only been reinforced by many interactions throughout the entirely of my life. Because of this, I can’t say I’ve ever had anything really more than two friends at a time. While in a way this has helped me express myself so well through writing, it’s come at the cost of social skill. I don’t talk to anyone.

With this kind of issue you could easily imagine that the THREE PEOPLE (four now, but very limited) to ever directly talk ended up in a way shafting me. The first blocked and disconnected with me without warning or reason. At this point we’ve been talking to each for about a month and we hit it off very well and then one day, silence. Never heard from them again. That fucked me up hard when I finally realized what happened.

The second person left during the Tumblr P**n Purge. We were talking about how to contact each other on other platforms and then they stopped responding. I had already given contact to other platforms of which they pinged me in any way. Another person that I trusted massively on here just abandoned me and I’m still hurting from that. Wasn’t fair at all.

Then the third person was someone that I been following for a while. This person is actually the reason that I’ve been putting this off for so long. I don’t want them to see this post but they will. I got an ask from them that ultimately turned out to be misinformation. I said I wasn’t mad but I was. I was so fucking angry about it and I’m still kinda mad, but I didn’t want problems. I still don’t. I just didn’t want them to worry about it. This will come back later.

I try my best to be as inoffensive as possible. The problem with that is that much of the things I believe or enjoy are highly divisive. Hell, even my own identity can be seen as offence. I’m bisexual, non-binary (I’m currently still questioning this. I might actually be gender fluid but in the overall scheme, that’s worse than being non-binary), and nonreligious. I’m in a very religious area so you I’m still “in the closet” about much of this IRL. I though it would better online but with how much people are saying bisexuality doesn’t exist, or that non-binary isn’t a valid gender (or that being gender fluid make you insane and you should be locked up) and all the hate people who say they are this are getting, the very community that’s supposed to accept me, HATES me. I had a bi pride flag icon last year during Pride Month. I never doing that ever again. It was terrible.

I’m trying my best to come out of my shell like I said I would when I made this blog but it seems I’m just crawling further into it. People I think I can trust keep setting me up to fall, people I know in real life won’t ever accept my existence if they knew who I really was, and my own mental health problem and self loathing are eating me alive. But that isn’t the total of it.

Crumbling Pillar: I’ve always ended up in the position where things were thrown onto me. In which no one wanted to do, I was stuck with. Because of this not only do I have a severe distaste being around my family (beyond everything mentioned before hand) but I grew to have a negative out look on everything. This effect is still quite obvious in my writings, especially my poems. Out of the 14 poems on my poem blog @washed-soul, only one has a happy meaning.

The one happy poem was called dreams. Under a metaphor it talks about how a demon kept me trapped in a dark space. I start to get better and nearly break free before I have a negative relapse back to my old ways. The poems ends with the demon putting a end to itself leaving the nightmare in which it was keeping me in to slowly fade away, letting one crack of light peeking through to become a window to a door until one day I walk free. When writing this poem, I never thought I would find myself rebuilding the nightmare but that’s where I am.

I’m done with holding things together that other people have placed onto me. Because of this, issues have began showing in my private life. Issues that should’ve been solved decades ago are only now being addressed. This change in the status quo of my life has caused many issues in my productive and mood. Between everything else I’m too tired to do anything.

Is that a reason, is that an excuse. No it isn’t but it’s the best thing I got as a reason. I’m doing my damnedest to do the best I can but of course, when it comes to the thing that matter I just fall short. Big fucking whopha my intelligence and capability does me if I can’t use it for anything that means a damn.

Meaningless Triviality: I’m a very emotional person. I’m very strongly bound to my emotions and if everything above hasn’t given it away, my emotions are very negative prone. But it just doesn’t stop there, it goes back into my memories. I can only honestly place 3 happy memories for certain that aren’t either A) a dream or B) me escaping reality through my mind. Besides that, almost all my memories are negative.

People like to throw around the word Nihilist to describe themselves because today's culture is very, god while I hate to use this word, edgy. For those who don’t know a Nihilist is someone who views the world as being completely meaningless and reject all religious and moral principles. I very truly struggle with this outlook of life. It’s a daily for me to berate myself saying “just kill yourself” or “I want to die” or just shutting down and crumpling up while say “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry” over and over again. Hell, I did that while writing this.

I take things very hard, even the slightest transgression. I’m so used to trying to make things perfect and because people have the image that I’m the smart one, the mature one, the capable one, I’m left with the over hanging expectation of excellence. Almost no room for margin of error or being human. Since I’m the silent type, I put up no challenge and work to meet it. Only time I get any praise for anything too.

I guess as a little self promotion to my main blog, for those that have read the very first few updates of my main blog @the-truth-behind-redacted, or read Defiance’s character sheet, while The Machine and Defiance are separate character, they both share the name Machine. That in part is a reflect of said above expectation. How ravenous and inhuman it can be all under the guise of something human. Those characters are the two sides to the same coin.

Remember how I said I try to be un-problematical and how I try to avoid any potential conflict. In the first segment I told on how I lied about my feelings just so another person didn’t have to worry over something that honestly, in hindsight, wasn’t even really a big deal. But I also said how it consumed me in anger. I just don’t want to bother anyone over anything. It’s part of the reason why I am writing this post, as some way of a self enforced rehab program to get better.

This absolute consumption of negative emotion has pushed me into a non human state before. I hit a point of absolute mental exhaustion and in such a self enforced bubble of actual hatred I became completely apathetic. I felt numb to everything. I watched and heard of terrible things happening to people, and felt nothing. I watched people lives crumble before them leaving them nowhere to go and LAUGHED. “Just another worthless pathetic worm on this rotting carcass of a planet being hit with the hard reality that life doesn’t care for them. What whimsical pathetic bullshit they deluded themselves with to think otherwise.” This isn’t an exaggeration on how I thought, this is what I actually thought. Which brings me too.

The Mandatory Sob Story: Roll your eyes everyone and get the tiny violin. I guess in order for everyone to exactly understand the place I’m coming from when it comes to mental health I’ll have to detail my experiences. I have a long standing history with mental illness. I have professionally diagnosed OCD, Bipolarism, Anxiety, Chronic Depression, and visual and auditory hallucinations. I take 600 mg of Seroquel a day as well as Amitriptyline when needed. I’m also still currently in therapy to deal with said OCD, Bipolarism, Anxiety, Chronic Depression, the visual and auditory hallucinations, as well as Suicidal thoughts, and my Nihilism. There’s a reason to why I’m so god damn familiar with mental illness and treatment plans.

OCD and Bipolarism run in my family on my fathers side. My Father’s Father had them, my Sister has them, my brother most likely has them (however he refuses to see a doctor because he uses said possible mental illnesses as a get out of jail free card. He doesn’t want to be treated and he has FUCKING ADMITTED IT), my father has them, and I have them. I, however, have the misfortune of having it real bad. I said yes to well over half of all the total symptoms when I was being tested (I don’t remember exact numbers but I remember there being three pages worth of common symptoms) which was very worrying to the doctor. I was currently in an inpatient hospitalization program at the time for both suicidal thoughts and actions, and severe depression.

On that, my graze in with suicide. Before I went into my first inpatient program I was contemplating suicide. I was sat in front of a mirror with a bottle of over the counter medication. It was an unopened bottle of ibuprofen, 1000 200mg tables. What I planed to do was down the whole bottle with benadryl and die in my sleep. I had the small box of benadryl got from the Kroger pharmacy and a hand full of ibuprofen poured out looking directly into the mirror. My suicide note was sitting on the desk on my room with an online copy on my laptop open.

I sat there for an hour in the dead of midnight complicating my life. I had lost all hope in the world, filled with hatred, anger, pain, and despair. I had no god or after life to look forward too, part way hoping that a Hell existed for me to burn in. I hated myself that much. I was close to taking the first handful before before I caught a glimpse of my own eyes in the mirror. In what was in a weird sudden epiphany I realized that I truly did become what I hated but not for any reason I told myself. I became the very bastion of negativity I sought to fight and rid of in what little friends I did have. That was what set off my path to recovery in spite of the medical system. I guess if people care I’ll make a separate post on that.

Before I move on, I feel I should explain my history with the visual and auditory hallucinations. It should be no surprise that with everything else above, I also had extreme paranoia that led to me having very bad insomnia. Insomnia is, just like most other medical disorders like Depression, Self-harm, Anxiety, OCD, Bipolarism, is romanticized to hell. Insomnia isn’t having one nights bad sleep where you got 5 hours of sleep instead of 8.

You know what Insomnia is? insomnia is being physical incapable of sleeping despite not sleeping in 2 to 3 day while your body suffers massive agony brought on by this. Muscle spasms and seizing, difficulty breathing, your eyes feeling like fire ants are eating them, and of course visual and auditory hallucinations. Now I already had issues with visual and auditory hallucinations even when I could get sleep regularly but the combined effects of my OCD and Bipolarism made this perfect condition of Insomnia, Anxiety, Paranoia, with the already added in disposition to hallucinations and I felt like I was actually losing my mind.

My hallucinations presented themselves in three forms. Disassociation of reality, night terrors, or alterations of reality. Disassociation of reality often were complete black out moments. I would lose any perceived connect to reality and enter an episode of my mind. I can’t remember what they actually were but I do remember what it felt like. Cold sweats, anxiety to point where if I didn’t lock up I would vomit, actual physical pain, mind numbing fear, and intense fatigue.

The second were night terrors often in the form of horrific “things.” I do remember these and most of them were as best as I could describe, forms of things that were vaguely human and formations of industrial machinery. The most vivid one I remember was of a long lengthy apparition that was for the most part human but many locations of it’s impossible physiology were rebar beams and mechanical sockets. It began when I was about to fall asleep and it was next to my window. The thing was making week groaning and gasping sounds before it violently slammed against my window breaking it then letting out a horrific howl that I can’t describe as it tossed itself out followed shorty after with the sound of bones breaking against the dirt.

Now that might not seem so bad, exspecally with everything that is in horror movies or games now, but keep in mind that was fucking real to me. It was as real as the clicking of the keys of my keyboard as I’m writing this. As real as the chair I’m sitting in and as real as the wall in front of me. As far as my mind was concerned that thing, what ever it was, actually existed. It took me physical touching my window to make sure it wasn’t actually broken and checking outside to see if there wasn’t a body there. This isn’t the type of thing I talk about lightly.

Finally there is the alteration of reality. This is very simply but it’s something that fucked with me hard. For very little meaning or warning, I would have trouble interpreting the world around me. My hearing and sight would be warped and there wasn’t any real way to tell what I was hearing or seeing was real or not until the episode was over. The way I got through these was the ultimate fake it till you make it. Obviously, very often I failed and this created issue in my schooling.

Ending Message: I’ve been in a very bad state for a while now and as it is now, no signs of getting better. I also strongly believe my medications are being to fail me which I’ve been telling my doctor and therapist for over a year now but nothing’s been done. Mainly it’s my Depression but insomnia episodes are beginning and my own paranoia been on the rise. It’s gotten to the point where I can’t even look at a creepy image or thumbnail without having a very bad episode.

I’ve managed to eat something today which was nice but my body is cramping hard. And to possible stave of a possible comment, I’m biologically male. Like I said I’m not in the best head space, or living for that matter. If this gets better, only time will tell.

#Long post #tw: suicide #TW: Depression #Trigger Warning #TW #OCD #Anxiety #Chronic Depression #Bipolar Disorder #Bipolar #Mental Health #My mental health

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orionsangel86 · 8 years

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12x12 Episode Review - Still Screeching...this time about the colour “Peach”.

I gave my 12x10 episode review the title “Pterodactyl Screeching into the Void” because I was so happy about it I couldn’t help but scream with glee at practically every moment. I also said this: “I feel like there is so much to talk about in this episode that fandom will be chewing on it for months if not years to come.” I still believe this, I just didn’t expect that two episodes later I would be reliving this exact same thoughts and feelings. I considered 12x10 to be a one off, a glorious gift to fandom wrapped in a big destielicious bow. Clearly, we celebrate our fandom birthday only two weeks before fandom Christmas because we just got ANOTHER gift wrapped in an even BIGGER destielicious bow and I can hardly contain my glee. (baring in mind fandom Christmas falls on the tenth anniversary of tumblr and close to valentines day I can’t help but feel this was planned - PRESENTS ALL AROUND)

But anyway. Lets talk meta. Once again I am very late to the party as I doubt I will be posting this any earlier than Saturday evening when you have probably all been talking this to death for the past two days. But eh, I’m gonna do my thing and hope you all agree, or aren’t bored by now if everything I talk about is stuff already gone over by my fellow very talented meta writers.

Starting with the obvious, Director Dick Speight Jr and Writer Davy Perez made this episode an homage to Tarantino movies. Specifically Reservoir Dogs which has so many ties to this episode both visually and subtextually that it is kind of difficult to keep track of my thoughts on it. I have to confess, I hadn’t ever watched Reservoir Dogs all the way through prior to watching the episode because it never really interested me. However, after watching the episode for the first time Friday lunch time I decided that it was in my best interests as a meta writer to give it a go. I watched it and tried to take in everything Tarantino was saying and doing with this movie…

Being a meta writing, destiel shipper with heteronormative goggles permanently removed since watching this show guess what the first thing I picked up on was? That’s right Mr White and Mr Orange… what WAS going on there anyway? Because these guys didn’t know each other very long but they became VERY close by the time of the heist. Poor Freddie and Larry. Such doomed tragic lovers... do we have a ship name for them yet? Frarry? Leddie? Or maybe just “peach” (hence my title)

I believe that when Perez was writing this episode he had a SPN character in mind for each character in RD (mostly anyway). Cas is obviously Mr Orange (the bleeding out from the stomach thing gives it away as does Davy’s tweet here. Here is who I think the rest of the characters are supposed to be:

Dean – Mr White (duh)

Mary – Mr Pink

Wally – Mr Brown

Sam – Nice Guy Eddie maybe? I struggled here

Crowley – I wanna say Joe. (though I also kinda think Ketch would be Joe here… its not too obvious)

Remiel – Mr Blonde (“yellow” hair)

Explanations and various meta under the cut. This gets long:

THE TRAGIC LOVERS/ THE WOUNDED ANGEL

How amazing was this episode for Dean and Cas? I know people were getting upset about the diner scene being Dean trying to set Cas up but this was all posturing on Dean’s part partly for Wally and partly because he was bristled with jealousy. Someone needs to get Dean’s face when the waitress first calls Cas “handsome” and use the “conceal don’t feel” moment from Frozen because that is EXACTLY what was going on there.

(gif source @godshipsit)

“My Devastatingly handsome friend here” Really Dean? Mandy had already called Cas handsome you don’t need to talk him up to her now she has already shown her interest. Your crush is showing Dean.

But lets skip past the diner scene because there is SO MUCH more to talk about. A big part of this very busy story is about Cas getting injured and the Winchesters reaction to that. It seems like the writers are going out of their way right now to show the audience that Cas is SUPER IMPORTANT SO SHUT THE HELL UP SAYING HE ISNT. THANK YOU ANDREW DABB. THANK YOU DAVY PEREZ, THANK YOU DICK SPEIGHT JR. THIS IS EVERYTHING TO US! I meant it when I said I was *sipping Cas hater tears* right now. I get so happy when justice is served.

We never do find out if anything happened between Cas and the waitress… I suppose you could say it was added as a “no homo” to the “I love you” from later on in the episode, but I think it was completely non relevant. They immediately leave the diner to go after the demon. So no hot sex with random waitress for Cas Though honestly, he showed no interest at all. Dean did all the work for him and all Cas did was give her a sniff to see if the whole “smells like food”thing was true. Its kinda hilarious.

Anway, cue Cas getting stabbed by the Lance.

This is such a beautiful shot. I just wanted to say that. Also, this is a demon with a weird hobby for night fishing who happens to make Cas his “catch” on this particular night. This is the second time Cas has been the “fish” in this show, and well:

(gif source @winchester-reload)

(sorry couldn’t resist).

As soon as Dean realises Cas is hurt, he takes on Mr Whites role of being the one to inspect the wound, to reassure Cas that he will be okay, to just plain deny his dying. Its beautiful to watch Dean get so upset about this. Once again his reaction is so very different from Sam and Mary’s – both of whom are incredibly upset don’t get me wrong – but Dean’s reactions, and Deans emotions, are where the camera focuses the most. Why? Why do you all bloody think? (Remember that our Director this episode calls himself “the Prophet of Destiel” so I think we are in good company here guys).

“you look like hammered crap”

“Yeah that sounds about right”

Still being the husband Dean. “I’ve had worse” “Oh yeah? When” Urgh the whole exchange is so touching really. Dean covers the wound up to stop Cas from looking at it, tries to reassure him. The LIP QUIVER thank you Jensen for those small but exceptionally well thought out motions.

(gif source @subcas)

His actual face is terrified, every one of these tiny reactions is Jensen at his best and I have to send Dick Speight Jr a fruit basket for capturing each and every one.

Besides you know things are bad when he calls out for “Sammy”

“no, no theres a cure. Theres always a cure” so desperate

Dean’s reaction to Crowleys “hey, I was quite fond of the choir boy too” with his “shut up, shut up” because he is showing his anger. He is in denial, and is handling it with anger against Crowley. Because Crowley knows how he feels about Cas. Hence his response. It was another subtle but beautiful moment highlighting how Dean reacts differently when Cas is in danger.

And then we have CAS’S SPEECH. I know we have all been flailing about this since the episode aired as lets be honest it is THE BEST thing about this episode. I have watched it so many times, picked it apart and just cried over it enough times in the past few days to know that this beautiful moment means EVERYTHING.

“Thank you, thank you, knowing you, its been the best part of my life. And the things that we’ve shared together, they have changed me.”

Notice how Mary looks at Dean here. She doesn’t know their history, but at this point in the season I do think that Mary suspects something is between Dean and Cas. Her reactions speak far louder than words (just like her stubborn son).

As the camera then cuts to Dean’s reaction:

(gif source @godshipsit)

Because of course it does. Dean’s face here is so very perfect for the emotional turmoil going on inside him. Cas says that the things they have shared together have “changed him” as in for the better, Mary looks at Dean and Dean looks BROKEN because yes he has changed Cas “The very touch of you corrupts” and I doubt that Dean has forgotten that somehow, especially when we had a reminder of it just two episodes ago. Dean thinks he has ruined Cas and this moment was very telling of that.

(gif source @ahoyspn)

“you’re my family,” FINALLY HE KNOWS. How long has it taken him to get here?

ASHJFHEGFEWAHFUEHFUH!!!

CUT TO DEAN AND DEAN ALONE!! (Thank you editing department for making that FUCKING CLEAR! (Gif source for both the above @godshipsit)

“I love all of you.”

DISTINCTION. TO CLARIFY MEANS THE FIRST IS AMBIGUOUS. Also the reaction shots here are amazing.

Dean’s face is just pure pain. I can’t bare it. This is the best fucking thing SPN has EVER given us.

AND THEN AND THEN

WE GET OUR CONFIRMATION. CAS GETS HIS CONFIRMATION THAT HE IS IMPORTANT. HE IS NOT EXPENDABLE. THEY WOULD GIVE THEIR LIVES FOR HIM. THIS IS ALL WE HAVE BEEN ASKING FOR.

“Cas No.” Dean says. Just no. I will not leave you here.

“Yes, you need to keep fighting”

“We are fighting. We’re fighting for you Cas” OH SAMMY HOW I LOVE YOU.

“And like you said we’re family, and we don’t leave family behind” OH DEAN NO YOU ARE BEAKING MY HEART

LOOK AT THIS POOR SWEETHEARTS FACE

(gif source @godshipsit)

THIS IS THE MOMENT HE REALISES. THE MOMENT IT HAS BEEN LEADING UP TO. THE MOMENT WE HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR. THIS IS IT. THIS FACE IS WHAT I HAVE WEIGHED MY HEART ON SINCE WATCHING 10x22 AND GAMBLING ON WHETHER TO STICK WITH THIS FUCKING SHOW OR NOT.

I AM SO FUCKING HAPPY ABOUT THIS. I WROTE ABOUT CAS’S ARC AND WHAT WAS COMING FOR HIM AND THIS IS FUCKING IT YOU GUYS THIS IS SO SO SO IMPORTANT I AM CRYING.

I am probably gonna devote a separate post just to this tbh because I can hardly stand it.

Look, I have decided I am not going to debate the “I love you” here. It is ambiguous, on second, third, forth and fifth viewing I will admit that, but I have two asks in my inbox both speaking kinda negatively about this confession so I will address this separately there. At the end of the day, with everything else we have been told about Cas up until this point, it can easily be read as a romantic “I love you” to Dean just as it can be read as a platonic one. I have chosen to see the romantic interpretation, because Dean’s reaction was first.

Anyway, the fact is that the way Dean reacts to the whole Cas dying thing is different to the way Sam and Mary react. There is a distinction, just like there is a distinction between “I love you” and “I love all of you”.

When Cas is spewing up black goo (and baby why are you always vomiting black goo you poor thing – love the season 6/7 call backs though)

compared to:

and:

(gif sources all @godshipsit)

See, Sam is able to remain calm “hang in there alright. What do we do?” and Dean? Dean can’t talk. He is close to tears, he just looks BROKEN and looks down. He can’t even watch Cas die. This is once again further proof (that we have been getting since 11x10 btw) that the brothers view Cas differently. To Sam, Cas is a friend, a brother, he loves him, but he isn’t so very emotionally compromised when Cas is in danger. Dean? Oh Dean breaks. Every. Time. This is why we keep going on about these things. See we don’t think Sam thinks less of Cas, its just that he is not in love with Cas like Dean is. When you are in love with someone, it hurts more. This distinction has constantly been thrown at us in the show. It is important.

Then the HANDS urgh I love anything Handsy in this show… so much symbolism.

(gif source @weallneedcastiel)

Blablabla hands blablabla profound bonds… oh but THIS:

(thanks to @elizabethrobertajones for giffing this in zoomed in slow motion because she is trying to KILL ME)

This kills me. Sam lets go, Dean clings on for as long as he can. TELL ME THAT ISN’T TRUE LOVE?!?

And then as if they haven’t ALREADY KILLED US ENOUGH THEY GIVE US THIS:

(gif source @godshipsit)

Guys. GUYS. What was it Bob Singer said? “Cas is a nomad, he doesn’t have a home.”

WELL THANKS BOB SINGER BUT I GUESS YOU HAD A CHANGE OF HEART OR DABB TOTALLY OVERRULED YOU! We know for 100% certain that Cas’s home is the bunker. He lives there. He belongs there. This is such a far cry from 9x03 I am so so happy. It is undeniable. Cas lives at the Bunker.

Then at the end, as if I didn’t need my freaking heart:

“I almost lost one of my boys”

MARY HAS ONLY BEEN AROUND FOR A FEW MONTHS AND CAS IS ONE OF HER BOYS! SHE SEES HIM AS ONE OF HER BOYS! IS THIS FANFICTION? WHO SOLD THEIR SOUL FOR THIS? This is proof enough that Cas is part of the family. This episode is the gift that keeps on giving.

Now that I have screeched about all of that, I just want to quickly talk about the mirrors in Reservoir Dogs. Because as I said earlier, Dean and Cas are our Mr White and Mr Orange. Why is this? Because if you watch the scene where Mr White comforts Mr Orange in the warehouse you will find some similarities between that and Dean and Cas’s exchange in this episode.

Look I will admit I watched this film once (and then watched these few scenes a couple of extra times) so I am no expert on it, but as far as I am concerned, this is quite obvious subtext. The film starts and ends with these two guys wrapped in each others arms, dying, bloody, and very close. Larry (Mr White) stands up for Freddie (Mr Orange) the whole way through the movie. He is the only one who doesn’t doubt him. Everyone else is suspicious of Mr Orange being the cop and it all builds up to the moment where they all point their guns at each other because Mr White risks his life to save Mr Orange from Joe’s gun. He goes against his friends for this guy he barely knows… the big question is WHY? Well, it makes a hell of a lot more sense if maybe Mr White had fallen in LOVE with Mr Orange… because love makes you go against logic. So it obviously makes the film all the more tragic to know that Mr Orange WAS the undercover cop and basically breaks Mr Whites heart in that final scene (because he doesn’t want to die in the arms of the guy he clearly loves knowing there is still one big lie between them.)

How does this relate to Dean and Cas? Because even though Davy Perez only wrote very loose connections between the other SPN character and the Res Dogs cast, (except Mary blatantly being Mr Pink and getting away with the loot at the end) he very CLEARLY wrote parallels for White and Orange in Dean and Cas. The guys with the homoerotic subtext in Res Dogs, get the homoerotic subtext in SPN as well. Both sadly remain subtextual, but the parallels are blatantly obvious.

This episode has given us enough to write about in terms of destiel for the next YEAR let along the next week. I can hardly keep up with it all. And this isn’t even the rest of this beautiful episode which after 6 re-watches I still haven’t tired of yet.

MR KETCH/ MOTHER MARY

“Tell me a story”

Honestly my first thought was Metatron. But then this makes sense since I think the British Men of Letters are Dabb’s self-insert character. Like Metatron was Carver’s self-insert character and Chuck was Kripke’s self-insert character. Did Gamble have a self-insert character? Because we are getting so many call backs to season 6 this season that I feel like it should be acknowledged. Anyway, we don’t actually know that he is talking to Mary at this point, but a lot of this episode takes place from Mary’s POV. Mary is incredibly conflicted at this point, but I do think that she believes they are doing good. I also feel like the line “asking the wrong questions” is important. This season is all about communication, miscommunication and a lack of communication. If only they would all TALK TO EACH OTHER.

Excellent use of the Pulp Fiction mystery brief case glow (WHAT COULD IT BE?)

One of the most shocking things in this episode was how Mary refused to reveal that she had stolen from Ramiel to save Cas’s life. She sneaked around behind the boys’ backs, wouldn’t tell them that she is working with the BMOL, stole the mystery item and lied to her sons about it. This is all very Cas in season 6. Mary knows that what she is doing is wrong, she must do, otherwise she would have spoken to her sons about it (lack of communication). We keep talking about how this is a season 6 rewrite, but this time Mary is in Cas’s place, this couldn’t have been more obvious come the end of the episode with this outfit:

Also this line:

“Anything happens like that again, anything, and I will burn you down”

Made me think of this line:

“If you touch a hair on their heads, I will tear it all down. Our arrangement. I’m still an angel, and I will bury you.” Said to Crowley by Cas in 6x20.

We have ourselves a very interesting little parallel here. Mary is betraying her boys and it is not gonna go well for her, if season 6 is anything to go on. What could possibly happen? Well, the BMOL want to rid the world of all Supernatural beings for a start, and Mary seems to share that mentality. The fact that she wouldn’t give up the Colt to save Cas’s life also makes me rather concerned… but she did call him “one of my boys” so I dunno what to think. Is Cas potentially in danger here? We have speculated this before, after seeing the way both Ketch and Mick seem to hungrily eye Cas up all the time. Whilst its funny to think that they both just wanna jump his bones, the truth of the matter is that they probably wanna string him in a display cabinet like Catrina’s butterflies in 12x11. Could Mary’s refusal to hand over the Colt at that point be foreshadowing for her using Cas as a bargaining tool later in the season? Could she betray him to the BMOL? I don’t want to think that Mary would be capable of such a thing, but like my Evil!Mary anon keeps saying, something isn’t right with her, and she doesn’t have the Winchester’s long history with Cas (or the Colt) to truly understand what they mean to each other. Mary’s reactions to Cas’s confession seemed more like surprise than anything else, especially the way she turns to look back at her sons when Cas talks about the “things they have shared”.

If there is one thing I have been completely unable to predict with this season it is where the mytharc plot is going. There are so many elements at play, and now we have the return of the Colt and Mary’s betrayal to deal with as well. This is only going to escalate into something very bad, and Sam and Dean are going to be royally burned at the end of it. Could it come down to a choice? Cas vs Mary? So far this season Dabb has gone out of his way to prove that Cas is one of the family, and now we finally have got to a point where Cas himself believes this. Could this all have been to put him on equal grounds with Mary only to have the Winchester’s make a Schindler’s List style decision later down the line? How horrifying a thought. I hope it doesn’t come to that, but this whole situation with Mary has got me very worried.

THE PRINCE/ MR CROWLEY

Oh boy was this awesome. Firstly, I love the character of Ramiel. He was straight out of a Tarantino movie with his “couldn’t give a damn” attitude and his constantly calm manner. He was a cold psychopath and I loved it. Also he was our “Mr Blonde” with his yellow eyes. (I am glad that no one lost an ear in this episode – though I am suddenly very much aware that this already happened in SPN previously… honestly we will soon get to a point where everything has been done on SPN. This show is insane.) The whistling, the fishing, the spear, the “you mind explaining why you broke into my house!?” so smoothly after being shot. I think he was one of the best villains we have had in a while. I would have liked to see more of him. Interestingly, when I watched the promo shots of him I was reminded of Alistair. I am not sure why other than I saw similarities between the actors, but the fact that he was actually a “prince of hell” and a call back to Azazel was amazing.

NEW LORE! Good new lore too rather than retcons that don’t make much sense! Finding out some origin stories about Azazel (also HOW AWESOME was that yellow eyes reveal to Mary!) The first demons after Lilith created by Lucifer had yellow eyes. HOW LONG have we been speculating about the colour of demon eyes and what it means?

“Asmodeus has his hobbies, Dagon has her toys” TWO NEW SCARY DEMONS who we will totally be seeing in the coming episodes now… probably to avenge their dear departed brother. We know that Dagon has taken an interest in Kelly Kline and Lucifer’s baby so we will probably be seeing her next episode - for some reason I totally picture her as an Ellie Driver character… probably because eye patches are suddenly “a thing” in this show and also nurses outfit/protecting the baby mama… yeah… This is my Dagon currently:

Anyway, we are back to “yellow eyed demon” levels of bad and I love all the call backs to the previous seasons. Season 6 is predominantly the season we are rewriting in season 12, but there have also been major callbacks to season 4 and to the early seasons now to the point that I partly think this is Dabbs rewrite of the entire first half of the show.

Lets talk about Crowley, because OMG CROWLEY in this episode! Crowley is like the epitome of “I don’t care” (actually cares a lot) bless him. First of all, we get a CROWLEY ORIGIN STORY (bless you Davy Perez) because how long have we all been wondering how he managed to claim the throne? He was given it by the rightful heir.

What is the most amazing part of this, which gives such a HUGE insight into Crowley’s character is this:

(gif source @godshipsit)

Which is his reaction to finding out that Cas was stabbed with the lance. The subtle shock, and sorrow on his face, before he composes himself. I just… CROWLEY! Where is that feelings gif?

I know we joke about the Crowley x dean x cas love triangle, but with this season calling back to season 6 and Cas and Crowley’s original partnership, with all the history between Crowley and Dean and now THIS? Evidence that Crowley cares. A lot. What makes it even better is that while everyone else was sitting around helplessly watching Cas die, Crowley DID SOMETHING. He BROKE THE LANCE…. Seemingly one of the most powerful weapons in creation, a weapon that he could have used to KILL LUCIFER and he BROKE IT FOR CAS. CROWLEY SAVED CAS’S LIFE FOR ABSOLUTELY NO PERSONAL GAIN WHATSOEVER. CROWLEY CARES ABOUT CAS.

This is just wonderful. What does this mean for Crowley now? He clearly cares about them, but they still reject him mostly. Will this act of compassion mean that the Winchesters accept Crowley as a part of their group from now on? Or will Lucifer’s words poison his mind?

Because lets talk about that for a moment. We all knew that Lucifer wasn’t in the cage… Crowley has him locked up in a small cage in his throne room. This will not end well. Lucifer is the master of deception, he uses his words to manipulate people and with Crowley’s weakness being the Winchesters (including Cas) Lucifer could easily use this against him.

“I know that look. Sam and Dean have got you down. I still can’t believe you’re working for the dukes of haphazard. Do you really think they care about you? Think about it Crowley, they kill your kind. It’s in their blood. You know, you know. Its only a matter of time before they come for yoooouuu”.

This is Lucifer already working his magic. His forked tongue whispering things into Crowley’s ear that will slowly poison his mind and turn him against the Winchesters again. I don’t know what is coming up for Crowley, but like with Mary, I can’t see it going well for him. I am so excited to find out what happens next.

OVERALL

This episode is one of my favourites. I mean in the WHOLE SERIES. It was wonderful. I enjoyed every minute. The writing, the direction, the editing, the music cues were spot on. Richard Speight Jr NAILED IT. I hope he directs again. This season just keeps getting better and better. There is so much going on I can hardly get my thoughts in order, but to summarise:

We have two new yellow eyed demons who are gonna be PISSED when they realise their brother has been killed.

We have Lucifer trapped in a cage poisoning Crowley’s mind.

The BMOL have the Colt. THE COLT.

Mary is the betrayer in the midst. She is working for the BMOL behind her son’s backs.

Kelly Kline is still missing with Lucifer’s baby. Dagon has “taken an interest”.

The “cosmic consequences” are still outstanding.

Cas loves his family. His family is canonically the Winchesters. He is no longer an “angel of the lord/heaven”.

The Winchesters love Cas. Canonically. They would die for him.

Crowley puts the Winchesters and Castiel above his own need for power and personal gain.

Destiel is canon

Okay so I may have added the last point in as a joke, but we are so not far off guys. We have the building blocks in place. Slowly but surely we are getting there and we are already so much further along than I would have hoped. I do think that we will get an undeniable confession of romantic love from Cas’s side at least this season. If not by him directly, then by someone else (my money is on Crowley or Mary) pointing it out to him and him not denying it. Basically, we are in a really positive place. Dabb is doing a brilliant job of answering all our questions, questions we have had for YEARS about plot holes and mystery points left open to interpretation. I am convinced that this will only get better. God I love him. I always knew Andrew Dabb would do an amazing job when he first took over as showrunner, but in my wildest dreams I didn’t think he would give us so much so soon. We are truly blessed right now. This series has majorly improved since the atrocity of season 10. they seem to have LEARNT from that . This is wonderful. I couldn’t be happier.

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deadcactuswalking · 6 years

Text

REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 17th February 2019

We have a new #1, and a very busy week before the BRITs. Let’s get on with it.

Top 10

As I said, there’s a new #1 hit today on the UK Singles Chart – for its first week on both the #1 spot and the chart overall (Yup, it is a debut), it’s “break up with your girlfriend, i’m bored” by Ariana Grande, becoming her 18th Top 40 hit and fifth #1 (Second to debut at the spot this year). This is because of her incredibly successful thank u, next album, which was the most-streamed album of all time for a female artist, and is currently occupying all top three spots on the Billboard Hot 100 in America. Now that’s impressive, although it did sell a bit less than I thought at more than 300k+... also the album sucked, it was a strong four at best. I’ll talk more about it later.

This means that Ariana Grande has blocked herself at #1, in fact has pushed herself off, as “7 rings” is down a spot to number-two.

Surprisingly, Lewis Capaldi enters the top three with “Someone You Loved”, up six spots to number-three. The album’s out soon so expect this to hit the top.

Sam Smith and Normani’s “Dancing with a Stranger” is down one space to number-four.

At number-five is where Mabel stays since last week, with “Don’t Call Me Up”.

Calvin Harris and Rag’n’Bone Man’s “Giant” is down two spaces to number-six.

Also down one space to number-seven is “Wow.” by Post Malone.

Now we have our second top 10 debut by Ariana Grande, “needy”, also from the album thank u, next. It’s at number-eight, and is Grande’s 19th Top 40 hit and 12th Top 10 hit. We’ll talk more about it later.

Unfortunately due to Grande and Capaldi, two good songs are barely hanging on at the end of the top 10. Mark Ronson and Miley Cyrus’ “Nothing Breaks Like a Heart” is down one space to number-nine.

Billie Eilish’s “bury a friend” is also down three spaces to #10, rounding off our top 10.

Climbers

Well, there’s more than I expected to be on this week specifically, but there’s not all too many. “Going Bad” by Meek Mill and Drake is up five spots to #13, probably because of the video, while possibly due to awards season, Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper’s “Shallow” is also up five spots to #21, “Grace” by Lewis Capaldi is up 14 spaces to #26. Then we have recent debuts like “Swervin” by A Boogie wit da Hoodie featuring 6ix9ine up seven spots to #27, “a lot” by 21 Savage featuring J. Cole up seven spots to #29 and “i’m so tired...” by LAUV and Troye Sivan up six spaces to #33, all of which I’m rooting for.

Fallers

I expected a LOT of these due to the sheer amount of new arrivals (There’s seven), and I mean, eh, we got some, mostly due to streaming cuts though. After a couple weeks, the UK Singles Chart makes the importance of streaming in a song’s chart placement lessen, if that makes sense, and this has happened to “Sweet but Psycho” by Ava Max down nine spaces to #11, Post Malone and Swae Lee’s Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse cut “Sunflower” down 13 spaces to #23, and potentially “Without Me” by Halsey down 11 spots to #28, this week. Otherwise, well, we have the fortunate five-space fall for “Undecided” by Chris Brown to #25, and falls for The Weeknd and Gesaffelstein with “Lost in the Fire” down 11 spaces to #35, as well as Kehlani and Ty Dolla $ign’s “Nights Like This” down eight spots to #38. I’m almost sad that song didn’t drop 15 spaces so I could make one of those awful quips about Ty Dolla $ign serving 15 years in prison for cocaine possession.

Dropouts

Streaming cuts also hurt “Close to Me” by Ellie Goulding, Diplo and Swae Lee, out from #27 (Peaking at #17), while “One Kiss” by Calvin Harris and Dua Lipa is out from #38 (Peaking at #1) – about time. Oh, I might as well say that whilst “thank u, next” by Ariana Grande did drop out from #28 (Peaking at #1), it’s not because it’s less popular now, it’s because that there are at least three more popular songs from the thank u, next album, and that’s all the UK Singles Chart allows at once. This is a good rule because it prevents album bombs, but it means the chart is less accurate in actually showing what people are listening to. I bet that song comes back next week anyway. Oh, and there’s more drop-outs: We have “Leave Me Alone” by Flipp Dinero out from #38 (Peaking at #30), “Saturday Nights” by Khalid out from #35 (Peaking at #31) and “18HUNNA” by Headie One and Dave out from #32 (Peaking at #6). These are all premature, so expect these come back, or at least one of them. Fredo’s “All I Ever Wanted” featuring Dave is out from #15 (Peaking at #15) after the album’s hype died down, whilst streaming cuts have pushed both “Hold My Girl” by George Ezra out from #23 (Peaking at #8) and “ZEZE” by Kodak Black featuring Offset and Travis Scott out from #21 (Peaking at #7) off the chart.

Returning Entries

The only returning entry this week is due to the tragic death of rapper Cadet at 25, whose passing has caused his song with Deno Driz, “Advice”, to return at #36. Rest in peace. Now, on a lighter note, here are our returning entries:

NEW ARRIVALS

#40 – “Thotiana” – Blueface

Hell yeah, Blueface, baby. Okay, so you know Blueface, don’t even say you don’t – you’re a filthy liar if so, because he has been all over the Internet due to viral videos of him rapping, because he doesn’t tend to rap conventionally, and he often has funny one-liners. There are purposeful off-beat moments throughout his songs, especially “Deadlocs”, but it’s mostly just inspiration from people like E-40 who would rap in a different way when they came across a beat that fit their unorthodox flow. Anyways, despite his most on-beat song to date, “Bleed It”, being an obvious contender for breakout hit, it seems like “Thotiana” has got the most traction, and hence, here it is. It’s been in the top 40 in the US for a couple weeks, and has got remixes from Desiigner, YG and even Cardi B (Who, by the way, absolutely kills it with an outrageous and hilarious verse, which I unfortunately can’t repeat any lines from because Tumblr might flag me with an adult content restriction – yeah, they’re that nasty). Despite that, it seems to be that the original version is the one that landed in the top 40. It’s obviously his first hit, and, to be honest, I love it to death. It’s barely two minutes and only consists of gliding pianos and smooth keys under a West Coast beat (With some banging percussion), as well as a slightly shrill synth, yet it feels so full, probably because of Blueface and all his ad-libs, including the iconic “Yeah, aight”. The hook is insanely catchy and beyond the meme, Blueface’s flow is great, somewhat complex at points and borders on spoken word in his verse, with so many references of what he says being “on the gang” that you’d think he has a verbal tic. This probably isn’t his funniest or most memorable song but it is a damn great one. Oh, but there’s also this:

Ain’t no runnin’, Thotiana, you gon’ take these damn strokes

Uh, yeah, well, um... Yikes, okay, I’m just going to leave it there. Great song, check it out. Check out the Cardi B remix though, it’s even better.

#37 – “Breathe” – CamelPhat and Cristoph featuring Jem Cooke

Damn, CamelPhat, I love these guys. Every song they’ve released that hit the charts has been some of the best EDM I’ve heard come out of the UK electronic scene in years, and they know how to make a fun, catchy dance song feel cinematic and in the case of songs like “Cola” with Elderbrook, almost avant-garde. A lot of UK dance by more obscure names has hit the charts last year, and impressed me as well, especially Loud Luxury, so I’m excited to see what CamelPhat have got up their sleeves this time for their third top 40 hit, and the first for Cristoph and Jem Cooke.

Yeah, so, this feels oddly 90s at the start, with those nice warm synths, then the indie-pop singer of the week comes in with her raspy voice covered in reverb, with pretty much no build-up before we get to a deep bassline and finger-snaps come in, almost like a sped-up Chicago house beat. The beat increases in intensity with a higher pitched bass as the chorus comes in but there’s not really a drop, just a continuation of the instrumental, because it still feels restrained and isolated, despite the theatricality of the whole ordeal, and that really fits the title because it’s an anxious song, and it takes a damn long while for that tension release to come in. Unlike “breathin” by Ariana Grande from last year, that was also about anxiety and self-help, this isn’t repetitive to a fault, rather while Jem Cooke yells at herself that she needs her to breathe again, the beat is almost like a train pushing down the tracks and the finale climax when her vocals echo, “Again, again, again, again”, is the train hitting her and killing her. Grande’s song was a pump-up anthem but this is just a pure burst of self-frustration hurled at the listener, and while it’s nowhere near as good as “Panic Room” in expressing panic, isolation and anxiety (Yeah, it is kind of a retread), this is still pretty great.

#34 – “Who Do You Love” – The Chainsmokers featuring 5 Seconds of Summer

Oh, these seven guys again. Look, I like enough of both of these artists’ songs to give them a pass, but a collaborative single between the two is just a mediocrity sandwich. It’s not going to be anything interesting or new or even worthwhile, it’s just going to be a two-dude EDM duo producing for one dude called Luke or something with four other dudes (Who supposedly play instruments on any of their singles – yeah, right). This is the Chainsmokers’ ninth top 40 single in the UK and 5 Seconds of Summer’s ninth as well, and it kind of sucks. What a surprise. We start off promising with distorted piano, a deep 808 bass and what sounds like a high-pitched, siren-like guitar, with Luke crooning, until... it has an acoustic breakdown in which Luke has too many vocal effects put onto him for it to work, and he sounds too fast, like a lot of these EDM guys make people sound like... until, that weak drop with an unfitting build-up. It just sounds like all five seconds saying “Blam-blam, hoopty-doopty, doo-doo” in unison over some cloudy synths and an ugly bass wobble. I know that’s the point, but this song is supposed to be taken seriously, and I don’t think any of the seven dudes involved noticed that at any point. Chainsmokers, guys, you’ll never top “Everybody Hates Me” (Note that their best song isn’t supposed to be taken seriously... or at least I hope not). Blech, I hope this goes away, this really is not worth any staying power.

#30 – “Just You and I” – Tom Walker

Both this and his other song, “Leave a Light On”, were featured in advertisements, boosting their place on the charts. This one has an album attached to it. That should tell you all you need to know about boring singer-songwriter, Tom Walker, trying to get on that “Genuine white guitarist man” money that Rag’n’Bone Man and Ed Sheeran currently store in the safe, although unlike those two, he’s more electronic and more plastic. He’s a rip-off? Yeah. Is he an industry plant? I mean, I don’t like that term, but it sure seems like it. If not, he’s just marketed perfectly. Anyway, this song is his second top 40 hit and some fake acoustic guitar and fake handclaps complement Tom Walker’s slightly nasal and... mildly urban-Irish (???) voice and the piano... and yeah, no, it doesn’t exist. I hear this song and nothing witty is produced, there’s nothing of interest in my brain, I feel like my ears have just had a long string of nothing twisted through them. The “Drop” is just a chorus, this time, although it still feels like a drop because Walker isn’t saying anything of interest. Oh, yeah, and the two parts of the chorus feel really jankily attached, it’s like two halves of a chorus put together. Next.

#16 – “Talk” – Khalid and Disclosure

Oh, hey, a great song by two amazing artists, that’s good to see. So, this is R&B singer Khalid’s tenth UK Top 40 hit and Disclosure’s sixth, and it’s funky, smooth and fun as hell. It starts with a synth that is ripped straight from the 80s, then some keys come in and a clap, until Khalid starts singing with that sultry voice, although it’s in a higher-pitched and more emotive falsetto this time, with a slightly off-kilter bass when partnered with the synths, almost reminding me of future bass. Khalid sounds absolutely fantastic over this beautiful instrumental, with all the extra touches like the drum pattern finishing off with a repeated snare, kick and bass hit at the end of the chorus as a climax, the extra synth melodies added throughout the chorus that give the song so much more “Oomph” and groove to it. The song is joyful, danceable and I don’t care about what the lyrics say at all, but since I clearly don’t have all that much to say about the song other than “This is gorgeous and amazing and brilliant”, I might as well say that the subject matter may be unfitting, because it’s about having a talk about where the relationship is going, which isn’t necessarily as smooth, cute and glamorous as the song could paint it out to be, but there definitely is that off-kilter and quirky vibe to it that does add that sense of panic, despite how mostly chilled it is. That works well, actually. Yeah, check this out because this is the best song either of these guys have put out. If this has longevity in the US, it’s a contender for the top of my best list, because I doubt anything better will come along. Perhaps “bury a friend” and “a lot” could end up there? Who knows? It’s shaping up to be a pretty good year, though, so we’ll see.

#8 – “needy” – Ariana Grande

Ariana Grande finally finds her sound after years and four albums of having the inability to be cohesive or unique, years and years of having a wasted voice due to cluttered, messy and generic instrumentals provided to her by producers who don’t know what they’re doing, and... her albums still suck. Well, her fifth album is a disappointment, yes, and it’s also incredibly mediocre. It lacks a lot of substance, is inconsistent (It either has too much polish or not enough), has a few irritating instrumentals like “bloodline”, as well as once again, it has Grande’s great voice being put to the side due to light-weight trap beats like “7 rings”, for which Grande is forced to lose all of her natural charisma in order to fit on. There, that’s what I think of the album. Now, “needy” is not one of the worst on the album, but it is bad, and you can tell that right off the jump with its over-simplistic, toy-box melody that starts it off, and gets irritating quick, with not enough drowning it out. I like the pre-chorus, it’s pretty cool, but the finger-snaps are fake and pointless, with the borderline doo-wop vocals in the background adding nothing but volume. Someone tell Ariana Grande that her “Yuh” ad-libs should never be used again, please. They worked in “God is a woman”, but that’s the only time they worked, and will ever work. The subject matter is decent here, but I don’t think the beat fits it – because it doesn’t have a beat, really, there’s barely any percussion, and then it has an abrupt, pointless orchestral outro. Yeah, you can tell this album was finished in two weeks. It has a lot of moments like that.

#1 – “break up with your girlfriend, i’m bored” – Ariana Grande

Fitting title. Okay, so what’s the need for build-up, am I right? When it works, over-whelming the listener with the beat immediately crashing in is great. That’s when it has build-up, it never works when it’s just the song starting with bass and percussion immediately, without much reason. No, it doesn’t make sense in the context of the album either, because the song before it fades out. Anyway, so over a weak, discount Playboi Carti type beat with the flute (???) mixed so low that it essentially doesn’t exist, Grande raps with a rather concerning accent considering the blackfishing controversy, biting freaking Quadeca’s flow (I know - Out of all people?), with again, those cringeworthy ad-libs placed in empty spaces. Then it cuts to 16-bit chiptune pianos that aren’t used throughout the song, just in this section, for the pre-chorus, it just feels kind of worthless to have this here, it’s like it’s part of another song they spliced in (A better song, may I add). Oh, and that chorus is sickeningly annoying. I don’t care about the lyricism here as much as I should (Because it is pretty douchey, at least on the surface), but she sounds nasal with that elongated syllable melody that makes me just coil. I don’t like the backing vocals or echoes, either, sorry for the nitpicking but they feel like quick edits just to fill in empty space, especially that male “Hey” (or “Care”, or “Yeah”, I can’t tell), it’s added abruptly and cuts the beat out for no reason. The bridge wouldn’t be bad without that incessant and constant percussion pounding through it. I shouldn’t be this negative, Grande’s performance is okay, I guess, but, damn, this is awful. It doesn’t develop or even end properly, it feels like a bonus track on the standard version – because, yes, somehow this is what they chose as a fitting climax to the record. What a waste of studio time, and what a bad #1. Listen, UK, I didn’t like “7 rings” either, but at least it wasn’t this.

Conclusion

Man, I feel bad for doing so but Ariana Grande gets Worst of the Week for “break up with your girlfriend, i’m bored”, and screw it, Dishonourable Mention for “needy”. Nothing else is all that bad, so the Chainsmokers get away scot-free here, with Honourable Mention being tied and going to both Blueface for “Thotiana” and CamelPhat, Cristoph and Jem Cooke for “Breathe”. Best of the Week should be pretty obvious, but yeah, it’s going to Khalid and Disclosure for “Talk”. See you next week.

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weannoyingbouquetgalaxy-blog1 · 6 years

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