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hualian-blessing · 3 years

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why mcyttwt does not think some (if not most) of the time when it comes to mcc

if i post this in twitter, i’d surely get hated upon but someones gotta have to say this one day. also this does not target to mcytblr!!! this rant is more of towards mcyttwt!!!

remember how mcyt was so chill before all of this shit? how we would watch our favorite minecraters when the community was so small? or how mcc was an event that both ccs and fans can have some fun and entertainment once per month? and that was only last year too. now look at the new generation of mcyt fans and see why some of the old fans dont really associate the new ones.

as a fan of the old gen mcytbers like DanTDM, SkyDoesMinecraft, Aphmau and CaptainSparklez. heck im a fan of pewds’ minecraft series before dream or tommy or ranboo or the new gen of mcyt ccs blew up (a year before them if im correct), and we dont see drama or bad shit all the time when it comes to their content.

now compare that to the new gen where every single fucking day, a bored fan or anti would post shit drama in twitter where some of the people from twitter moved to tumblr just to not get a headache from the batshit craziness mcyttwt brought forth. and it just snapped more when the mccp21 rolled in.

heres some of my takes about the mccp21 issue:

1) “there’s a lack of representation of lgbtq+ in the teams!!!”

heres something to tell yall about that. scott doesnt have a fucking choice. scott smajor has told time and time again, WEEKS before the announcement of teams, that there are certain requirements and limitations to mccp21 thus there will be difficulty in choosing whos entering or whos not. limitations and requirements such as it will be streamed on youtube or how streamers with twitch contracts aren’t allowed to stream or (god bless scott’s good heart) scott not allowing some of the lgbtq+ streamers in joining the special event due to wanting them to have a chance to stream and experience their first mcc (so to those who said that ranboo should have been in mccp21, shut up ‘cuz scott wanted genderman to have fun streaming his first mcc but cant due to ranboo being a well-known twitch streamer). to those who complained that ant and velvet should be in the mcc, stop being selfish and do some actual research on why scott didn’t include them. a simple question to those two’s fans would answer that they can’t make it due to them camping for a week which within those days is the mccp21. they’re having time to themselves, not wasting it on a minecraft championship.

take in the consideration that, oh i dont know, not a lot of lgbtq+ ccs applied to the event? its not a free invite championship (in fact, mcc has always been like that), it’s an applied with the sufficient and correct requirements kind of event. the artist who created the icons from the previous mcc for the teams said that scott let in some of the new ccs in last minutes due to lack of applicants not meeting the requirements thus not having custom artworks for the teams if they want to announce the teams in time.

2.) “there’s no lesbians or trans in the teams >:(((”

sadly enough, there’s not much of the players from the lgbtq+ community but to say there’s no trans people in mccp21 is utterly false. by definition, trans mean denoting or relating to a person whose sense of personal identity and gender does not correspond with their birth sex. other genders such as non-binary, genderfluid, androgyne, bigender, gender expansive all fall under trans. you define yourself with the gender you personally chose and comfy with from you birth gender. so saying there’s no trans in the teams when there are players from the event like eret or sqaishey who are nb and genderfluid respectively are there to also represent not only the sexuality but also the gender identity of others??? like c’mon, please make sense mcyttwt.

also, while its sad to not see lesbians, please know that lgbtq+ doesn’t strictly be defined by lesbians. ffs, lgbtq+ literally means Lesbians Gays Bisexuals Transgenders and Questioning (or Queer but im not too sure about that one) which means that there are still other representatives for the community in the event.

3) “technoblade is in the event?!!! WHAT THE FUCK, HES A HOMOPHOBE/LESBIPHOBE-”

utter clowns, toxic twitter users are. do you really think that scott smajor, an openly gay man, would let a supposed “homophobe/lesbiphobe” in an event that focuses in supporting the lgbtq+ community? do you hear yourself? do you even do research where the joke he made was when he was the same age as me and it was based on a historical article back in WW2? or how he passionately supports the community especially the lesbians because a lesbian couple complimented him to which kickstart his confidence? the man willingly went to this mcc event despite being flamed a lot in twitter because he (and everyone) knows that his chat, his fans and supporters, are literal millionaires. if you saw a stream from foolish where he auctioned canonical characters for funs, a techno fan donated thousand of dollars to get technoblade, and that’s only one fan, now imagine a hundreds of thousands of them.

like it or not, technoblade has always been open about his support to the community, especially that majority of his fanbase are from the same community that mcyttwt allegedly swore that technoblade hates.

4) “since this mccp21 is pointless because theres no dteam, quackity, punz or (insert cc name), let’s have a watch party of the previous mccs to spite mccp21!!!” “let’s hope (insert cc name) stream on the 26th so mccp21 doesnt have the same amount of viewership like before!!!” “where are (insert cc name)??? gosh, this mcc is so boring without them!!!”

shut up shut up shut up shut up shut the actual fuck up. are you really seriously hearing yourself? are you willing and proudly boycotting a once in a year special event that is seriously needed by the lgbtq+ community? are you that cruel and selfish to sacrifice a project that helped tons of people just for your sick entertainment and desires? are you that evil to stop others from enjoying and donating to the trevor project? are you that inconsiderate of other ccs that aren’t part of dsmp and calling them boring? and for what? because your favorite cishet streamer isn’t there? oh booofuckinghoo! you’re so fucking petty to even post about this kind of tweets in public.

(edit: did yall honestly thought that without your favorite streamers that the mcc is not worth watching because they aren't there? well let me tell you, im a ranboo fan. ive watched him when he first entered the dsmp and watched him spinning in his unicorn chair for 5 minutes. the boo community waited for so many months for genderman to join mcc yet we didn't even do that kind of disgusting action and behavior every time he isn't in mcc. 8 months. that's how long ive watched him. ive waited 8 months for him to be in the event yet i still watch other povs like tommy's, puffy's, wilbur's, and etc., because it's fun and entertaining to watch them despite the beloved not participating in the games.

if you're that spoiled to not even watch mcc because (insert cc whose not part of mccp21 name here) isn't part of the roster then you most likely have a one dimensional humor because there will always be someone more funny and entertaining than them. i like dsmp don't get me wrong, but i found parrot's school smp funnier than dsmp yet you don't see me insulting both series, do you? learn to keep yourself if you're calling ccs as boring or dull or not entertaining enough due to not having the same big platform as the dsmp members.)

you don’t deserve to call yourself a fan if you’re doing this kinds of actions. in fact, people like you should be kicked out from the mcyt community because your kind of people are the reason why we look so bad from the outside. your toxic and self-entitled to these content creators are the reason why famous ccs like sbi, purpled, tubbo and almost ranboo left twitter/implied strict rules to their subtwts. you drove out an entire friend group that tons of fans found comfort in from the platform and you still have the audacity to this kind of shit? honestly, just leave before you give me a headache.

what im sayin’ is that mcyttwt is one of the worst, if not THE worst, subtwts out of the other subtwts in twitter. having no actual research or evidences or spreading false information is common in twitter where you would have to take what they said with a micro size grain of salt. mcyttwt already ruined the fun and spirit of mcc during its comeback in mcc14 due to the glitch and beta testing shit (ey i still stand for the ranboo beta testing but i know that will be worthless since theres hints of him joining soon in mcc15). if you’re still in mcyttwt, i suggest to get out of there while you still can. we’ll never know if there’s a bigger shitstorm than this in the mcyttwt that may happen in the future.

edit! hi bella again, ive been told by a polite and cool user that not all people from mcyttwt are toxic and/or cruel. im going to clear something up here. ive written this during the heat of the announcement of mccp21 teams. so there's a lot of complains and/or entitled people in the app (you can even see it in my previous post too if you want evidences!) that gave off mostly negative vibes towards the event.

ive seen the cool ones who actually took the consideration for scott's side and the criticism of the lack of representation of other communities within the lgbtq+ umbrella (ive even share some parts of it above so im also a bit upset to the lack of numbers in the community). and some of them are correct about recruiting lgbtq+ creators in youtube but! like i said, it's an applied event and not invitational one, so its up to that content creator if they want to join or not. the amount of cishet in the roster are just those who want to support the cause and/or backups/stand-ins in case scott and noxcrew can't find enough ccs in time!

just wanna clear this up because mcyttwt these days are covered by really cringe fans (ive noticed a pattern of them mostly new ones but there are still awesome new fans (like my irl friend who just joined this year) within the community) that covered the good ones where they enjoy, have fun and share some neat ideas and thoughts to the community within the platform!

when i said to get out of the mcyttwt while you still can, i meant to get out of there to avoid drama (that is really small contrast those who really need to address the issue) and take a break from it. it's still your choice if you want to be surround by it or not or if you want to come back to the app. all im saying is to buckle up for the shitstorm cuz this is not the last time that the twitter side of mcyt will cause negativity to the community.

#mccp21 #technoblade #twitter #twitter discourse #mcc discourse #mcyttwt #minecraft championships #fuck off tw #twitter sucks jfc #noxcrew

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grinmalkinhat · 3 years

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1. vik never called soda a pedo. all vik said was soda allegedly drew nsfw art of you and shared it in a server. knowing how you two acted and some of the even vaguely nsfw shit ive seen from you or soda, that tracks. i do not mean that in a “ur both freaks” way, i mean it in a “i knew you guys” way. brutal honesty shit idk. 2. that ”furryphobia” shit was from well over a year ago and was poorly worded. the dude believed furries are zoophiles and thats what i was trying to get across. i was just awful with my words and realized that cuz i was called out for it immediately. 3. i dont even wear a tail its just cat ears. and even so why is that weird. im fucking thriving. dont act like i havent seen you draw yourself in catboy catmaid shit too lol its the same fucking thing. youre literally a fucking dangan cosplayer too shut the fuck up. 4. you know what youre doing. youre looking at 19+ pages of viks fucking blog. thats the definition of cyberstalking. he has you blocked from this account on vamps main, i have you blocked from this account on my main, yet you go and brag on anon about block evading. neither of us want anything to do with you, and i wish you had the brains to realize that. move on. keep this and look at it, always remember you lost friends because of yourself and your own actions. im surprised you ever even answered that first ask consideration you pretebded to be my friend and screenshotted posts and disc messages to blab abt me. if vik made you hate me or anyone else so much, why are you always a creep on your own accord. goodbye

okay since you're gonna be a little whiny bitch I'll answer this publically <3

1. that is calling soda a pedo. vik fucking called it cp. not to mention vik and nero shared nsfw art of the danganronpa characters too so that's the exact same thing. it wasn't nsfw either it was my ideal body you fucking creep.

2. you literally fucking CALLED it furryphobia. who cares if it was over a year ago (it wasnt) you were at an age to know better. the privilege you show is insane.

3. why are you so caught up on this LMFAOOOO did the furry get their feelings hurt. I'm not a furry I'm a cat glad you're stupid tho. who cares if im a cosplayer

4. how would he know that unless he has an ip tracker on his fucking blog. i check it so his stupid junko kin ass doesn't fucking spread shit again. I've literally seen it happen. he's pathetic. you literally fucking sent me an ask on your own accord. if you hadn't maybe i would have gotten bored. I'm allowed to look at someone's fucking page. it's not creepy its the fucking internet. I did pretend to be your friend! because vik wanted fucking shittalking ammo. because vik is a fucking snake. if you wanted nothing to do with me you could ignore me but vik checks my shit constantly too so shut up ^_^ I don't give a fuck if I lost friends that are creepy furries who slobber over fnaf like it's the gospel. imagine suibaiting a 15 year old because she was cishet. go fuck yourself. i hope someone sets you on fire

#damn shawty the furry is gamer raging in my askbox #🦇 bites #fuck off directly to hell

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bloopbyoop · 4 years

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weep woop

ayo. ive read my scheduled email and its time for freewriting shit again. lmao. I want this post to be like a small light from a lit match stick inside a very hollow, icy, and numbing cave. (sounds cartoonish right? I know. Im obsessed with Adventure Time.) I want all people to be genuinely happy. Spiritually, emotionally, and physically. Upon reaching my 24th anniversary in this world, I finally learned how to truly embrace all my emotions. Some are more overwhelming than the other, but we have to heed in our treacherous yet perplexing minds that everything is fleeting and we are in control. The feeling of extreme sadness fades, but so does joyful states. Everything can change in a matter of minutes or years. You are in control of all your emotions. You are in control of all your life choices. Your actions. Your words. Your perspective. It feels weird to actually write about it. I've wanted to talk about it. I never wanted help from anyone as I firmly believed that I was alone. Sure, I have a family and friends, but it is hard to see that when your head is clouded with negativity. I've even come to the point where I was too overwhelmed, I found being physically hurt less painful. The pain I felt distracted me from what I was thinking. My mind tended to go bonkers. lmao. But bro, I was so good at concealing my bonkers mind. It's easy to fake any emotion that you have. Slap anything sunshine-y or happy to anything and people would believe you. It went on for years. Long story short, thousands of bracelets collected, it became worse. The physical pain could no longer withhold the emotional pain. Couldn't sleep. Couldn't stop thinking. And voila! I found a good amount of self help books (from tumblr) and novels. Novels that brought me to different places. Self-help books that made me understand what I feel and what to do. I've read that taking the easy way out will leave everyone sad. AND IN THE FIRST PLACEEEEEE, I NEVER WANT THATTTTTTT. I want everyone to be happy. I would act foolish and do dumb shit to make everyone happy in a heartbeat. So, that idea made me push a few more years. Later on, the crippling shit came crawling back again to my head, sooooooo I needed new shit to keep me distracted again. Films, series, music, and short clips from YouTube helped me out a lot. Every single time that my mind is going to think like anything that can think of, even to the point that I was just going to think that I might be hungry, I'd watch something. There's just something about silence for me. Because of this new habit of mine, I've learned more about myself. I love different types of things. I like horror. I like thriller. I like comedy. I like romance. I love all types of films, but there is something about the horror genre that interests me. I still can't point out what, but I love watching horror films. With regards to music, I've learned that I love Indie, Punk Rock, Rap, and Pop. We all can't like a specific genre. It's stupid to ask "what genre of music do you like?". It's not actually stupid-stupid, it's just stupid. Ya know? Anyway, passing this phase, I needed to find something again because it's not doing the shit that it was supposed to, I tried investing more time on video games. By investing more, I mean a whole shit lot. I love video games since I was young cuz.... u know.... they keep u... try to guess it! oh yeah. you got that right! distracted! I love the aggressive plays and trashtalks that my friends and I make. The short stories we tell one another. The rants. The lame jokes. The late night we sound drunk but we are not drunk jokes. The roleplays. The lame jokes. The memes. And once again, The lame jokes. Something about lame jokes and the laughs and curses after that always gets me every single time. Oh shoot. Yup Yup. Few years later, I finally noticed the pattern that my sadness is temporary. I got over it one way or the other (or another. depends on how you wanna read it. i dont wanna say another cause i might write about one direction like what im doing now so-). Happiness is temporary as well. But, we are the ones who are actually in control of our emotions. If you wanna feel sad, be sad for a while. You're getting too sad? Try hanging out with your funny friends. Can't do that? Find an alternative. Watch a movie, knit a sweater. Anything your mind could think of as long as it will keep you mentally distracted from being physically and mentally hurt. I do have a few notes though. We cannot and should never assume what people are going through. It may be petty for you, but it may be very crucial to them. So never everrrr say things like: -Some people have it worse than you -At least you have ..... These sheetsss are annoying as heckkk and could really down someone. I know it is not your intention to annoy but people react differently. alsooooooo, it is not okay or normal to hate on things for bandwagon. that is just plainly crazy and stupid. let people enjoy things. anddddddd never suppress your emotions. admit what you feel inside and try to think of a way to resolve ittttt. keeping it to yourself will just make it worseeeeee. find your own outlettttttttt. hihihi ️ alsooooo. being more spiritually full with God's words and ideas really help me to be spiritually happy. ps. im christian but i dont discredit other religion and even applaud other religion's ideas and beliefs. this is a really long, selfish post so i might as well recommend some things I like : Songs with their lyrics that made me go through life. “I’ve got soul but I’m not a soldier” -All These Things That I've Done, The Killers “It's not too late, I'm still right here” -Breaking Your Own Heart, Kelly Clarkson "And the salt in my wounds / Isn't burning any more than it used to / It's not that I don't feel the pain / It's just I'm not afraid of hurting anymore / And the blood in these veins / Isn't pumping any less than it ever has / And that's the hope I have / The only thing I know that's keeping me alive" -Last Hope, Paramore “There is not a single word in the whole world / That could describe the hurt / The dullest knife just sawing back and forth / And ripping through the softest skin there ever was / How were you to know?” -Hate to See Your Heartbreak, Paramore "It's holding on, though the road's long / And seeing light in the darkest things And when you stare at your reflection / Finally knowing who it is / I know that you'll thank God you did" -1800, Logic "Did some things you can't speak of / But at night you live it all again / You wouldn't be shattered on the floor now / If only you had seen what you know now then" -Innocent, Taylor Swift (My bb) "10 months sober, I must admit / Just because you're clean don't mean you don't miss it / 10 months older, I won't give in / Now that I'm clean I'm never gonna risk it // Rain came pouring down when I was drowning / That's when I could finally breathe / And by morning gone was any trace of you, I think I am finally clean" -Clean, Taylor Swift “I guess I always knew / That I had all the strength to make it through.” -Believe in Me, Demi Lovato "I'm addicted to the madness / I'm a daughter of the sadness / I've been here too many times before / Been abandoned and I'm scared now / I can't handle another fallout / I am fragile, just washed upon the shore / They forget me, don't see me / When they love me, they leave me" -I Hate You, Don’t Leave Me, Demi Lovato “I'm overwhelmed / I need a voice to echo / I need a light to take me home / I need a star to follow / I don't know” -Nightingale, Demi Lovato "I'm a walking travesty / But I'm smiling at everything. // Arrogant boy, Love yourself so no one has to." -Therapy, All Time Low "I tried it once before but I didn't get too far / I felt a lot of pain but it didn't stop my heart. / But maybe I'm alive 'cause I didn't really wanna die / But nothing very special ever happens in my life / Take the blade away from me I am a freak, I am afraid that / All the blood escaping me won't end the pain / And I'll be haunting all the lives that cared for me / I died to be the white ghost / Of the man that I was meant to be" -Ghost, Badflower "Are the pieces of you / In the pieces of me? / I'm just so scared / You're who I'll be / When I erupt / Just like you do / They look at me / Like I look at you" -DNA, Lia Marie Johnson Movies and series to try : -The Perks of Being a Wallflower (The book is bomb af. if yall havent tried, ur missing out) -The Kings of Summer -Never Let Me Go -The Art of Getting By -Silver Linings Playbook -Winter’s Bone -The Lovely Bones (The script. The words) -Me and Earl and the Dying Girl -American Horror Story -Black Swan

pps. remember that every one has their own pace and point of view. don’t push yourself too hard, and don’t overthink. give yourself time, and respect all your emotions. analyze them but not more than like 5 minutes as anything beyond that might cause you to overthink and be sadder. and sad is not rad. hehe. you got this. you got you. self love is the best even though it can be tricky to do. nobody else is like you. you’re the only one of you (i just remembered me.......... i might have hummed it while typing it mid sentence). consider other people’s opinion but do not let it cloud your own judgement as you know yourself best. dont let other comment’s define you. spread love. vibe people you vibe with. ayeeee lets go!!!

ppps this is my last post bc im happier now and know myself better. i no longer limit myself on the age that I want. I want to live as long as how God wants me to be. hehe.

x :D

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ggukminii · 3 years

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Tag Games Masterpost! ✨

♐️ Zodiac Sign tag!

tagged by @calicooky @jiminslight @euphhorias thank you babies!! 💜

Sagittarius: Teal or Purple. Topaz or Turquoise. Dandelion or Daffodil. Ginseng or Cilantro. Horse or Stag/Buck. Plane ride or Road trip. Learn Hindi or Learn Japanese. Ginger or Wasabi. Climbing or Snowboarding. Teleportation or Super Speed. Carnival or Circus. Sake or Tequila. Duffel Bags or Suitcases. Time Manipulation or Basic Precognition. Tambourine or Triangle. Backpacking or Whitewater rafting. Aquarius or Libra.

📝 Quiz Game

ty @calicooky and @jkjms 🥺

you're fierce, courageous and intelligent.

you have an electric smile and there's something magical about your words. people want to be liked by you, because when you like someone it's felt so very deeply. you're an angry sky nurturing dark forests and wide meadows, you're the wide-spread wings of a dragon, you're the stranger stuck in minds and the classmate that's so hard to forget. it's an honor to know you, it's an honor to be loved by you, it's an honor to love you. i wish you, too, could feel the love and the adoration you've been pouring into this world.

ok what are these tears 😭

🎵 What BTS era are you?

@jiminslight @jkjms @euphhorias ty for tagging me!

Spring Day

Run's softer older sister, equally as gay/traumatised as Run but it made them soft and nostalgic instead of trying to cling onto memories that never happened, you miss simpler, happier times and although it makes you sad, you know that the future isn't something to be nervous about, everything will be okay in the end "But what is grief, if not love persevering?"

omg what an honor?? 😭

💜 What does love mean to you?

@gimbapchefs @jkjms thank you!

something you want to share

you have so much love and you just want to share it with everybody, don't you? there's nothing more you'd hate than to keep your fondness and tenderness for other people and love as a whole inside. please never hide your love for others, be reckless and loud with your "i love you"s and make plans when it feels like no one else is bold enough to. we're all scared that our love won't be matched or reciprocated, we fear rejection and we have this idea that the people we love don't actually love us but only tolerate us for the sake of having someone to keep them company. but it's people like you, people who want to share their love with the world, that change that. so make plans, don't leave anything unsaid, send that song that made you think of them. life is too short to keep your love inside.

i’m sad :((

✨ Which BTS member would you vibe with?

tagged by @calicooky thanks kris <3

Jeongguk

Ah, the golden maknae. He's got the most tender heart and the sweetest soul, no matter how many tattoos or piercings he gets in the future--he has "please love me" tattooed on himself now, afterall. Jeongguk is willing and wants to learn, and strives to be his personal best. He wants balance in his life, appreciates beauty, and is a romantic at heart. He's constantly analyzing himself, how he can be better, do better, and honestly he probably doesn't give himself enough credit. Don't be so hard on yourself if you relate to all of that--you're allowed to both give yourself a break and remember that we are always evolving.

🪐 Make yourself a planet

@euphhorias @jkjms ty loves

📷 Post 5 pictures of your 5 favorite idol smiles

tagged by @espressokookmin ty love!

plus two extra let’s get it

❓ 30 Questions Tag

thank you @euphhorias @taejinnies @jiminslight !

name/nickname: di ✨

star sign: sagittarius ♐

height: 5’4

birthday: december 4th! bday twins with jin hehe

favorite band: i mean.... bts :D

time: 11:55pm

favorite solo artist: hmm I don’t really follow solo artists but i listen to baekhyun (idk if this counts :”)), chungha, and dean quite a bit

song stuck in your head: Alcohol Free by Twice

last movie you watched: Thor: The Dark World

free space! : I LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH!!!! 💜💜💜

last show: I don’t know if this counts but I’ve been binging the hell out of all of Jessi’s Showterview episodes jsdflk she’s a queen ✨

when i created this blog: June of 2019 if I remember correctly!

what i post: gifs!! and a ton of shit posts hah

last thing i googled: "2nd Thor move” cuz I forgot the name 😃

other blogs: no active ones! just my main and 18490832 side blogs I’ve created bc I’m obsessed with creating urls

do i get asks? very rarely jsdfsjdf

why i chose my url? kookmin > ggukminii! this blog was originally just km stuff lmao

following: 332

followers: so much more than I deserve 🥺

average hours of sleep: hmm usually 7-9 hours. if you asked me during school tho...🤡

lucky number: 4!

instruments: ooo I used to play the violin for a few years and the guitar for a few months but we dont talk about that

what am i wearing? large blue shirt and black shorts

dream job: ooo this is hard but something that doesn’t confine me to a desk where I can work with a lot of other people!

favorite food: this is the hardest question for me to answer omg... can I pass? 😅

tea or coffee: tea!!

nationality: 🇺🇸 🤠

favorite song: second hardest question BUT if we’re going strictly bts then... black swan 🤍

last book i read: uhhh i’m currently reading Know My Name by Chanel Miller

top three fictional universes i would like to live in: 3?? hmm, definitely Harry Potter... and then maybe marvel and anything studio ghibli

I tag whoever wants to do these! If there’s one game you really wanna do just go for it and say I tagged you <3333

#thank you all so much for tagging me this was reaaaally fun 🥺💜💕💖#tagged #moots 💫#hope it’s alright that I put all of these into one post akskdkdk #I believeee there are a few more that I’ll get to in a bit!!!

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trailerparkflower · 5 years

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hello i’m sorry to bother you but i’m in the process of writing my first harringtove fic and i was wondering if you have any tips on writing for Billy or Steve? especially Billy? if not thank you anyways and i love your work!!

hi hello im so sorry im answering only now! u see im not very active lately cuz my health isnt very good lately:( im so happy what u writing ur first harringrove fic u go baby!!! good luck and looots of inspo AND time to write for u hehe. and that's so cute what u asking me who aren't a very cool writer?? like?! wow u sweet thing!

Billy is honestly hard guy to write for me too, because u know he is just FULL of rage and fire and its one of many things i dont rly have in me! but it makes it even more fun to write him. im trying to keep his canon traits in mind when i write him, like:

he is actually very sensitive. he feels a LOT, cries like a crybaby. he is one of that fuckboys who post dumb sad boy memes. Very sensitive, very emotional

he ALWAYS naturally fills all free space to himself, he dominates it. its probably comes from his home life situation where he has to walk on the eggshells, but its still not a forced thing-he does it when he is relaxed, too. It's his natural trait. He is kinda like a big cat, or a lion pride male, he spreads his shoulders, he has a wide posture, he puts his arms on every free surface around him, he plants his feet wide. (and that's why im think he's a big spoon heh)

manipulative, charming, dangerous, good at getting information and good in observing things

literally a peacock. Sometimes reminds me of Johnny Bravo with his ways to flirt ghjkwj. Flexes his muscules, stands in a dramatic pose, pretties up himself with male jewelry, makes bedroom eyes, lowers his voice.......

a rollercoaster of a person-one second he is chill and calm, another second he is ANGRY and u never know what will make him mad and what will make him amused

Gross and nasty boy who isn't very hygienic

he is a secret romantic because that's how Dacre apparently sees him. fuckboy on the streets prince charming on the sheets!

insecure about himself but makes sure what no one will see it

very tactile, with both humans (like how he grabs Max when he's mad, on how is he CONSTANTLY touching-grinding-pushing Steve) and objects (how he plays with his zippo, how he puts hands on his car)

power-thirsty (bAnNED foR LIFE) and dominant person. He enjoys power so much like he is high on it. He is pushy even when he flirts, he is just very aries, u know?

ENERGETIC! he has too much energy!!! YET can be bored to death and really indifferent

mommy issues

im think its also important to remember what Dacre had his favorite headcanon about Billy having a God Complex and this is why Billy carries himself around with such confidence. He is religious, but like...in a strange strange way...

Very strong mentally, strong and brave even when is scared a lot. Stubborn also!

SECRETLY SUPER PROTECTIVE

He loveeees attention. u know he does.

wow dis went long. i also realized what i dont write much meta on Billy in my blog, considering the fact i always seek hidden stuff for Steve and analyze him a lots. im think its cuz fandom dont rly writes much for Steve so i have to concentrate on him usually!! okay and for Steve, i also have these main traits what helps me to write him:

ANXIOUS! im think he has big anxiety issues, and even social anxiety. panics a lot and yells a lot and sometimes can act paranoid

he is charming. he is cute, and he is pretty in that soft but boyish way and he knows it, and he uses it when he wants to get something. which is kinda manipulative too but like...cute manipulative..

a Brat (big pout is his super attack), dramatic

Funny!!! Loves to joke. Jokes a lot in all of the situations-when he is in danger, when he is flirting, when he tries to comfort someone, he just always tries to be this positive joking guy

he is Bossy, but he also kind of a Pushover (because cmon, all his crushes is girls who can beat his ass and all his best friends-Tommy and Dustin-are a lot more active and pushy and Steve just goes along with it)

Daddy Issues (did u ever thought about how much he says about his dad being a jerk?)

big softie, hates conflicts, hates fights, hates confrontations, the coziest and lovey-dovey moment are the happiest he is. he just wanna hold hands and make love and maybe eat something yummy and call it a good day

yet he can be a really mean bitch, st1 Steve is SO Regina George. King Steve and King Billy is a very different types of popular jocks, because while Billys is an alpha dog aggressive active bully, Steve was more of a queen bee, idk? like its Tommy who was his muscle tank, Steve usually just stayed on the side and pouted/had that mean girl smile

does then thinks

PROTECTIVE!!!!!!!!! VERY!!!!!!!!!

insecure and self-deprecating. thinks he is dumb:(

he is playful, kind of immature, kind of lazy. Childish a bit, Joe himself said what Dustin is even more mature than Steve in some ways. and with that also comes some pureness, and even the way he trusts people who gonna let him down is how kids trust to people

okay so!! i really really hope its gonna help u, even if a little bit! im sure ur writing gonna be really lovely

#steve harrington #harringrove #billy hargrove

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bringoutthedead · 4 years

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in my feels about my uncle tonight

He passed away on May 11th, because of the virus. And I know my dad had a hard time, and especially my aunt and my cousins (idk about now though that its been 2 months, especially since i don’t talk regularly with them and my dad hides his feelings), but what i had is that I missed the opportunity to even go to his wake. And then my parents went to go bury/spread/or whatever they did with his ashes at the graveyard. and just like, not being able to be there sucks. And it hurt when i saw my mom post on facebook that they were saying their “final goodbyes”, especially when me (and my sisters) havent been able to even do that. It hurts. A lot of the time I just try not to think about it. I hadn’t seen him since last christmas, and honestly idk like i know hes gone but its like he vanished into thin air. I wish I could pretend that hes just you know, living at home like everyone else since we didn’t even see him in a while, and thats the reason i still havent seen him. but i can’t even do that.

I wish i could have been there for my cousins. i wish i went to the wake or knew about the zoom option so at least i could have virtually been there. i still feel so bad that i dont say anything to them. like ive talked with one of them, and hes responded a bit. i texted the other and he didnt respond. and i mean i worry that im just like doing it for myself sometime? like making sure they dont hate me or something for not seeming like i care? or that me and my sisters care? I love my cousins. we’ve always been close for as long as i can remember. or at least close in that when we were little, we always would play and have fun, and even when we got older and didnt see each other as much, whenever we saw each other at family get togethers we would talk like nothings changed. and im so scared that its going to change. i always associated seeing my uncle with seeing my cousins. and now that hes gone, im scared. and we’ve never been good at talking with each other outside of when we see each other in person. like we just never did it. and we weren’t as close to my aunt as we were my uncle. my uncle was the one that would come over to my abuelos house, and bring my cousins. and my aunt would go see her side of the family. and recently, now that one of them has moved somewhere else, she and my other cousin would go see her family, so i havent actually seen either of them in a while too.(and im not saying its bad that they see their other family, i just miss them. we dont see each other like we used to).

i felt like the most selfish person when my mom wanted us to write a condolences card to my aunt and cousins. she wanted us to write something because we hadnt seen or said anything to them yet. and i froze up because all i could think about was how i was feeling and i kept thinking like, what the hell do i even write because i was feeling sad too. eventually we managed something at least. i still feel bad. i feel like im not there for my family and idk what to do. it feels awkward to text and even that feels selfish cuz im thinking about my own feelings instead of others.

if i think too much about it, i want to cry. i finally told another friend of mine about it and i cried just from actually mentioning it. i wish ... i dont know. that it didnt happen, that he didnt die and actually recovered, or that i didn’t have feelings.

am i allowed to feel sad about it? or to want others to comfort me about it? is it selfish, especially because i havent said a lot to my cousins and aunt, other than the text and the card? it might be. i want my emotions to swallow me whole and for me to disappear with them.

#just a bunch of feelings

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r1ku · 5 years

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@notchy tagged me! 🤗

🎂: May 28 !

Zodiac: Gemini ♊

Height: 5'3

Last Song I listened to: Gurenge - LiSA

I woke up thinking of this song today lol, because I'm still shocked Brendan Urie from Panic! At the Disco sang to it and watches the show lmao

Hobbies: talking to gaming pals on discord, playing mobile games, working on that webtoon recommendation document on Google doc, playing toontown rewritten, day dreaming, always typing down ideas and dreams to write or draw ONE DAY, in Google notes on my phone.

Favorite color: Purple ! 💜

Favorite Book: Coraline by Neil Gaiman

Tis the only book I have read a few times for sure. You know, I often thought I'd love to be a bookworm and wholeheartedly have several favorite books, but I'm not. I like the idea of it tho, I haven't read books in a long time. I mainly read manga and webtoons.

Last film I watched: The Grand Budapest Hotel by Wes Anderson

My friend and I have a lot of movies to check out, mainly horror flicks of korean or japanese films or martial arts films to watch. But that day he dropped this film to watch and I was able to and had never watched before actually. And we enjoyed it, it's very whimsical and comical.

I almost debated putting the last episode of kanata no astra, since it was like an hour long finale and One can watched several hours of 30 min episodes and not think of it as a movie, but when u think of an episode longer than 23 or 27 minutes, it FEELS like a movie lol even if its not 2 hours long. But nah lol

Dream Job: I haven't really, really thought about it. I've seen a few inspirational, thought provoking posts and tweet threads.

About how for some people you shouldn't make your passion your job, cuz you might end up hating your passion.

Or the one post that said they admired the character, Garry Gergich from Parks and Rec, for choosing a job that's decent pay and few but full hours, that allows him to spend time with his family.

Or the one tweet that talked about you should have several passions to look forward to like boxing or some other activity so you can spread out your feels and not be in a pit of negativity.

That said, I find myself to be a jack of all trades kind of person, I adapt well and if taught well, learn quickly to do just about anything right.

If anything, I will not think of the chains of reality and honestly answer this question focusing on dream part of dream job.

And thats to be a CEO of my own company that I made and create an animatiom company that can revolutionize the animation industry and crack the hammer of justice in various places that mistreat and mismanage and poorly pay hardworking animators and give them the lifestyle they deserve and lift people up and support them and not become a gate keeper. Da Drem *drops mic*

Meaning behind my url: I've had various urls, this url came from my bestfriend cat, who wanted the namine url, when i got her into kingdom hearts, but it's in limbo hell, I remember she waited 9 months for its release but its still like unavailable to obtain, idk now tho, that was a year ago.

I forgot what my url was before, maybe it was hong-seol and I finally, after 8 years, moved on from the spiel I had in firmly loving the character Sul, I still and always will even tho I dislike the comic's last season and how heavily the author suddenly gave us flashbacks all at once.

I told cat that KINGDOM HEARTS IS LIFE, I LOVE RIKU SO MUCH and she said "oh i was typing around and found r1ku is available" and i was like WHAT and i typed it and surely enough, it was available to my great surprise. And I am forever grateful for her and her mind. I ain't letting this go, as such its a personal blog and riku appreciation blog, I'll reblog all that I see and like.

I recently updated the mobile look, desktop look is perfect so i wont change that, but i had destiny islands gif from khnyctophiliac and that riku icon, that I have sources for in my about l sadly dont have time to update my about pages.

But I updated the icon to this destiny islands trio that has amano's kh3 manga art since it has riku in it and i love trios, from the khinsider website that posted icons ro choose from.

The bg is Phoenix Ikki from the Netflix Saint Seiya adaptation's ending, I love how dramatic that shot was with the song. I wish it could be longer, but I have no idea how people edit out credits for gif segments. I only used a quick gif making website that requires the video and can make cuts and speeds.

As for my sideblog, pink4walls, I am still, to this day enamored by f(x)'s - 4walls and especially their pink outfits in their live performance. This blog ia dedicated to hopefully making a thorough navigation system to find specific posts that inspire me to create. A creativity blog, if you will with things that caught my eye and references I want to use.

Thank you Notchy! A well deserved break from routine, helped me try to get more reblogs put there from my enormous 22k drafts, and gives people an update of sorts of me.

I tag @antheiafemme @ughliegirl @alfiethesnip

You may if you choose to, and its okay if you don't ! But first three mutuals to tag off the top of my head.

#stef talks #about me #relatable

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bigskydreaming · 5 years

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gingerjab replied to your post “ANYWAY. The petition/prayer circle for Michael Trevino to be cast as...”

I’m forever an asshole obsessed with fire/ice ships so Thunderbird or Sunfire, fuck the inhumans one off and St. John. Also, Rahul Kohli as Neal Shaara/Thunderbird/Agni. Also I’m sposed to be asleep so ignore if this is a shit idea.

For the record, I actually kinda like the Inhuman guy, cuz I mean, its not his fault he’s part of a trash franchise. I think it probably helps that I’ve only ever read one issue with him, so as to render it absolutely impossible for his writing to piss me off. I like to just close my eyes and pretend he’s a mutant. Y’know. Like I do with Kamala!

Who is obviously a mutant.

(And like.....let’s be real. The dude is a pyrokinetic with a demon form, the codename INFERNO, and his REAL name is DANTE Pertuz. DANTE. INFERNO. Like, that’s the on-the-nose-fuck-your-subtlety-we-came-here-to-be-pretentious-as-fuck-with-our-literary-references-look-how-dignified-it-makes-our-character balls to the wall character concept I am HERE for. I’m like OH HAI I SEE WHAT U DID THAR. And they’re like “oh yeah? You got it? Hahaha, we were worried nobody would, phew, good job tho. Totally adds to the character right? Pretty clever of us.” And then I’d be like Hahahaha no, not even a little bit, but ‘scool, I like him anyway cuz I’m easy like that. I put out for puns.” And then they’d be like awwwww, dammit, we worked so hard on that. And I’d be like....well, that doesn’t speak highly of your abilities, I mean it was a super obvious joke. And then I stopped making up conversations with hypothetical people in my head.)

Also, in defense of comic book St. John Allerdyce and absolutely NO OTHER VERSIONS EVER because agreed, they all suck....

Comic book St. John is a snarky Australian asshole who in between acts of mutant mass destruction, has a side career as a successful romance novelist under a pen name.

(I’m not even joking. Comic book St. John, in canon, writes romance novels in his spare time as a hobby. LOLOLOL c’mon, how is that not a great character beat for a supervillain slash occasional kinda-if-you-squint-superhero).

Anyway.

I too am also trash for fire/ice ships because SCREW SUBTLETY, WE SHIP THEMATICALLY. But like, its gotta be the RIGHT fire/ice ship. I weirdly have standards with my fire/ice ships? Probably just because I’m obsessed with Bobby Drake but whatever, who cares, how is that relevant.

I mean, OBVIOUSLY, you have your proto-fire/ice ship, the one, the original, the Word I came out of the womb prepared to preach and ship and like, spread to the masses....Bobby Drake/Johnny Storm. Because like. They are elemental dorks whose competitiveness is only matched by their dumbness, how can you not love them, I DEFY YOU TO SAY.

I’m kinda meh on Iceman/Pyro, because like, original comic book Pyro and Bobby never even interacted I think? And in cartoons they’re always totally different generations/age groups, and in the movies they’re like....boring and stale and not even all that attractive and also did I mention boring, omg no offense to whomever wrote them, but I tried reading Bobby/Pyro movie fanfic years ago because like, that’s the only movie Bobby fic there is, unless you want to read about him being an asshole to Rogue and/or cheating with Kitty and just generally driving Rogue into the arms of the much (much much much much, like ewww) older Logan or Gambit. Because srsly, so appealing. So obviously, I caved and tried reading Bobby/Pyro fics because like, they had the word ‘Bobby’ in them, and the bar is too low in my X-Men fic reading habits. And omg I fell asleep. I just. It was all just the standard m/m cookie cutter generic ‘good boy plus bad boy uwu yaoi-zowey’ bleh starring two not at all deeply written or well-acted meh-looking white dudes, and just. Why.

But that’s what I mean when I say I’m wary of fire/ice ships, because sometimes with powered characters like, authors think oh hey, LOOK ONE IS FIRE AND ONE IS ICE, THIS TOTALLY COUNTS AS THEM HAVING OPPOSITES ATTRACT PERSONALITIES AND THUS I DONT NEED TO GIVE THEM A PERSONALITY, RIGHT? Like. They’re just very boring and unimaginative in execution, just because they expect the basic premise of fire and ice/’obvious opposites attract, obviously’ to do all the work for them.

(Katey if you’re reading this I’m super for sure not talking about YOUR superpowered romances, because you are wonderful and GOOD at writing and imaginative, and thus none of this applies to you. Requisite disclaimer.)

So, when they did this random Bobby/’New Pyro Dude like where did he even come from I still dont know’ hook-up, I was prepared to like, yawn endlessly, because I figured it would be more boring imaginationless ‘ooh look what an obvious pair they are and yet still praise me for how clever I am for pairing them’ crap.

And I was absolutely right!

(But I mean, it was written by Marc Guggenheim, the odds of it sucking were totally in my favor. Betting against them being well-written under his pen might feasibly be construed as cheating. Whatever).

And also, the art did them ZERO favors, like I know they’re both generic blond dudes in their twenties, but I LITERALLY COULD NOT TELL WHICH WAS SUPPOSED TO BE WHICH in any of the panels that they were like, in bed together or dressing or talking or literally anything until they started using their powers to fight bad guys. It was soooooooo bad. Like the art just manifested every ‘look at the white gay date his mirror reflection lol what is variety even’ cliche and beat you over the head with it.

(Also Bobby is supposed to have brown hair, which at least would’ve helped a LITTLE bit. Meh. Still was gonna suck because like, nobody had any intention of WRITING them together, like, developing their characters and laying the groundwork for a possible relationship. It was just ‘oh look, the fire and ice dude got drunk at a wedding and hooked up, cool deal, now on with the story.’)

Anyway, the ONLY redeeming potential for a Bobby/Simon relationship in my opinion is ENTIRELY due to a fic I read with them. Its probably the only fic written about Simon ever, lmfao, so its not like the writer’s characterization of him has any competition among either canon or other fans’ renditions of him. But it was pretty well written, I actually liked their portrayal of Bobby, which I’m SUPER picky about in fanfics, and they actually invested time in developing Simon and his POV and giving him an actual personality and shit, that wasn’t half bad. So if Simon was written like that in the comics and their relationship progressed in similar ways, I could feasibly be on board with them.

But it won’t, so I’m not. Meh. Anyway.

I actually really REALLY like both Shiro AND Neal, with the caveat that I hate Neal’s stupid offensive-ass codename, I know Claremont only named him Thunderbird because he introduced him in an anniversary issue that was supposed to be a call-back to the original Giant Size lineup, and he needed a stand-in for John Proudstar, but like....wtf Claremont, just use your brain and save Neal to introduce a whole issue later and stick Jamie in John’s place the way everyone else does. He literally went by Thunderbird in the comics already in his Hellion days, which YOU wrote, so why the fuck did you feel the need to be stupidly offensive and act like Native American people and traditions are interchangeable with those of a guy from India? Ugh he’s so....gah.

Anyway. So I actually like both Shiro and Neal, though pretty much only when people other than Claremont are writing them, lololol. Which is admittedly...rare. Because of all his pet characters, they’re both at the top of the list of ones nobody else has any interest in touching. Bizarrely, my favorite run involving Shiro was when he was randomly shoe-horned into that Alpha Flight relaunch in the late 90s, that only lasted a couple years? Dunno if you know what I’m talking about, the team with Radius, Flex, Murmur, Heather as Vindicator and Mac was a robot or some weird shit.

I have no real thoughts on either of them with Bobby though, for a fire and ice pairing. Tbh I can’t really see Bobby/Shiro like, at ALL lmfao. For one, Shiro’s always felt written as though he’s a good ten years older than Bobby at least. Like they’re not really compatible dialogue-wise lol. And he’s pretty much never had any patience for Bobby in the comics, which has a lot to do with most of their interactions being written by Claremont himself, and Claremont infamously haaaaaaates Bobby’s character and trashes him any chance he gets, aka the few times editorial makes him actually use Bobby in a script. But I also think even under other writers, like....Shiro honestly is not the type to have any patience for Bobby’s antics or brand of humor, like.....he’s like JP but without the superficial crush JP used in canon to view Bobby’s idiosyncrasies as endearing instead of migraine inducing. I don’t think any readers would buy someone of JP or Shiro’s personality-type crushing on Bobby twice, lololol.

I DO however kinda like the idea of Neal/Bobby? If someone ever actually brought Neal back and gave him a new codename and stuck him on a team with Bobby? They’ve also barely interacted in canon, and the only time I can think of, Neal was super rude and dismissive of Bobby, because like, Claremont was writing it of course, so it made total sense for him to have the dude who’s literally been an X-Man for two issues talk down to the X-Man of several decades like the latter had no clue what he was doing, lol. Oops, still slightly salty there.

But honestly, I doubt anyone who didn’t have hyperfixation fueled grudges on a fictional fave’s behalf would ever even remember that one canon interaction, and tbh Neal’s pretty much a blank slate character wise. His only defining traits from what little he’s been used are that he’s fairly young, in his early to mid-twenties, from a wealthy family, a little full of himself but in a ‘really wants to impress people and prove himself’ kinda way instead of an overly entitled ‘i genuinely believe I am superior to all you buffoons’ kinda way. And he was always endearingly enthusiastic and eager about new stuff he encountered from being with the X-Men.

(He was also randomly obsessed with Psylocke, but I truly think Claremont was like, well I’m just gonna write him like I would Warren Worthington because why not. So yeah, obvsly he’s super obsessed with Betsy. Duh.)

Anyway - I would like someone to do something interesting with Neal, and I think his and Bobby’s chemistry has a lot of potential and they could bounce off each other well.

Also, I like Rahul, but I was randomly fancasting some of the more obscure X-Men awhile back for Reasons (I forget what they were tbh, but I’m sure I had them. I usually do). I came across this Indian actor named Karan Tacker and was like ohhhhhhh he totally looks like he could be Neal Shaara.

I mean, I’ve literally never seen him act, so who knows what his acting is like, but since we’ve established Neal’s character is essentially whatever the person to actually use him next wants it to be, I don’t think that’s a big deal lol.

So this is totally superficially based casting, like I think this guy looks and ‘feels’ the way Neal’s typically been drawn and the kinda vibe he gives off.

Also, incidentally, having absolutely nothing to do with anything, let alone my selection process, by pure coincidence the dude just so happens to have abs for daaaaaaays.

But I mean. Like I said, that is neither here nor there. Obviously.

Of no relevance whatsoever. I didn’t even notice, tbh. Don’t even know who hijacked my body and ghost wrote these last few sentences, quick, call an exorcist.

....oh noes, is this one of the consequences of being an ‘anti’? IS THIS MY COMEUPPANCE? *flees*

#gingerjab

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sociallychallengedbookworm · 6 years

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Trigger Warning: Mental Illness

Okay this is a really long one, but I found these papers where I was writing down my feelings and I think it was leading up to me making a suicide note or this was going to be mine. But, things have gotten better and I’m going to post what I wrote in the hopes to encourage others that things can get better. This was made in September of 2017, when I was in the darkest point of my Depression. When I actually attempted about a month later to commit suicide/was going to. (i got distracted by youtubers: Dan and Phil cuz I had them on the background cried myself to sleep on the bed.) Dan released “Daniel and Depression” Soon after and it helped to encourage me a little that I wasn’t alone. Anyways. This letter was my darkest point and I wanted to share it since I’ve gotten /mostly/ better in terms of depression and suicidal thoughts. Here it goes, brace yourselves.. its long. (I’m gonna make up names for the people I mentioned in it to conceal Identities)

“I’m getting bad again, like really bad. It was all state auditions today and I bet I flunked site reading portion. I wont make it to all state again and its been a spiral downhill ever since. I know I have failed. I see myself in the mirror and all I see is someone that I hate. I hate the way I look the way fat clings to my stomach. I’m not skinny enough. I’m not good enough and I try so hard to be happy and it never works. I ruin everything. I’m too quiet, too awkward. I fail at everything that I strive for. I’m not smart enough. i’m too lazy. I’m too ugly. I’m not perfect enough. Why am I nor normal? Why can’t I walk into a room and not feel so trapped. Why is it that everytime someone I don’t know tried to talk to me, I get flustered. I can’t breathe, I get nauseous. Social Anxiety? Why can’t I pick up on social cues? Why do I feel the need to flinch away from people? I’m not good enough I’m fucked up. I’m the person who isn’t interesting. I’m the person in the background. I’m here but I have no purpose. What is the point? I know I am loved. I have friends and family that care and that’s why I’m still here. I get cut off in conversation, I am boring and uninteresting. I have no purpose. I can’t meet new people, I can’t show emotion round other and I can’t cry and I can’t let them see. I don’t want to bring anyone into this. I used to cut but not often, I quit. That was a year ago and its worse. I want to rip into my skin and see the blood. I have never cut this much. I don’t know if things are going to get better. Why would they? I can’t make myself happy. It doesn’t really work. My friends’ happiness makes me happy and Id rather see them that way/ I know I’d want my friends to tell if things were this bad? But, I can’t do it. It’s too much It’s overwhelming. Talking to a therapist doesn’t help, it makes me feel like I’m drowning. I feel nothing and everything at all. My problems don’t matter. Hell, what if I’m making all this up? What if it’s just all in my head? Is dying really that bad? I mean, I can’t get the image of my parents finding my body, or my niece living her life without me. What’s on the other side? is it nothing? Is dying painful? Is it less painful than how I feel now? I used to love hugs but now I shy away from any touch. Why can’t I remember being genuinely happy? What is wrong with me? I want to die. I really want to. Maybe I should get help? I don’t want others to know. There’s a lot they don’t know. Why have I changed so much? I need a sharper knife . I’m not normal.

A lot of people would argue that I’m not worthless. I guess its one of those thingswhere you’re your own worst enemy. I’m drowning, in school.. in stress. In my social life. I always struggle in everything. It takes too long for me to warm up to someone. I’m too awkward. I don’t achieve anything that I strive for. I’m losing interest in everything. I want to disappear, but I don’t want to hurt anyone. If I died, how would people at school react? Would they be sad? My friends would. I know they’d go through hell and blame themselves. They’d be mad at me. My family would be devastated. I can’t do that to my sister. What about people I don’t know. People who were there but not. People who saw me in the hallways. What would they say? Would they talk about how sad it was, how they thought I was cool and wished they could have done something? They’d be lying. I’m still here and I am so fucking numb and no one notices a damn thing. They don’t see the way I hide. They’re blind. They’d maybe come to the funeral. They’d talk about how they never knew I was hurting. It was plain as day. How could you not see ? Oh, i’m nice, not nice enough for you to talk to. I talk about being dead inside and I’m not joking. I’m not trying to fit into some “Emo” Aesthetic. Yes, I wear black and all that. But. It’s not like that. I’m not in some huge phase where “Oh life sucks”. I’m struggling/ I’m dropping hints. Help me. I don’t know what to do. Help me before I go too far. I don’t see myself graduating high school, I don’t see myself achieving college goals. and being happy. I don’t see myself having kids. I don’t think I’m going to live much longer. I dont know. Maybe one day I’ll snap and just down a bottle of pills and this will be the only remnants of a note. I’ll chicken out if I actually write a suicide note. What would my internet friends do? How would they find out? I’m sorry. I’m too damaged. I don’t know if it was because of what *name* did. Or how *other name* used me. Maybe it is because *ex boyfriend name* and what they did to me. Why am I still waiting. Why am I never good enough? Why am I so fucking broken? I’m so stupid. Maybe I just don’t deserve to be happy. Maybe if I die, things will get better. I failed everyone. And its not just cuz of my trigger at all state. I tried so hard and I let everyone down. They were counting on me. Am I ever going to be okay? I know I have people who care about me. I know that they would help me. I’m scared. I don’t like being the broken girl. I don’t want to be viewed that way. I don’t want to be constantly greeted with worried glances. I don’t want to hear “How long have you been clean” I just want it all to go away.

How could I tell anyone? My parents will probably brush it off with “Pfft but you smile all the time and you have plenty of friends, you just want attention” I actually hate attention, hate being looked at like I’m some kind of freak. They don’t have the thoughts that I have, They don’t go through every day screaming at themselves and scratching at their sleeves to get the thoughts to stop. They don’t feel the pain. To them I’m just some whiny little 16 year old. Pft hormones or whatever. Maybe it is. Maybe I;m making it up. What’s even the point. Could the school counselor help me? Maybe I should stop trying.

(In really dark and angry letters that are hard to read at the bottom it says: “I’m just a disappointment”

I realize this was really long and I appreciate it if you read it to the end. I look at this and I see recovery. I haven’t fallen into a hole this deep in such a long time and a lot of this I can now look back at and look at my life now and say that it isn’t true. I may have not gotten help professionally, but I reached out to a friend of mine who did everything in his power to talk me down and keep me safe, And I have done the same to him. I just hope that by reading this someone can find some kind of.. help? They can look at this and look at the progress and maybe they can do the same. I also would love to spread awareness. THIS is how BAD depression can get. THESE are the things that run through our heads and NO ONE notices. WE ARE ALONE. It isn’t some made up thing. We aren’t asking for attention. We want help. We want out of this fucking hell before it’s too late. Please. Help us. Look at the signs, check in on your loved ones. We might need it. I’ve talked my best friend out of suicide before and he’s getting help right now and I’m so proud of him. Recovery is possible. Just please, if you need help. seek it.. and if you don’t and you know someone who does.. please do whatever you can.

Not trying to push anyone, but by reblogging this you could potentially help someone, so please I encourage you to do so. Share this story. Do anything you can. Please.

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thebiggest3vil · 7 years

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STORY TIME! #2: I Got Cheated On And Embarassed In Front Of My Whole School😂😢😂 (*Funny!/ Fucked Up!)

So for this story time I'm gonna tell you about how I got cheated on . It's funny but fucked up at the same time so if you like reading then this is the post for you! So back, relax and read how I got PLAYED 😂.

So the first day of HS starts up and ya know things are different. Ya boy is a Sophmore and after a very weird freshman year of HS I started to find my way. I had more friends , I hit a growth spurt after being 4"11 and under my whole childhood life, I had a summer job so when I came back I was drippin in that Armani Exchange (Remember that store!? Damn) So when I came back my dress game went from like a 3 to a 12 and I don't care if that don't make sense it's my story lmao.

(Ok So where was I....OH Ok sophomore year)

So the day goes by and it's time for Gym. Now everyone knows that the first day of gym ain't really gym it's just niggas sitting on the bleachers and for 30 minutes and MAYBE they bring the basketballs out for the last 15. So I goto the bleachers and I see my mans at the top and I'm like "Yeoooo !!" And he went "Ayo boul!!" And that's how we signalled each other at the time lmao. So we sitting waiting for class to start and a bunch of kids walk in (I'm not paying them no mind) and as they got closer to the top all I hear is my name following "YOOO CUZ IT'S BEEN A GRIP!" I look over and it's my bro from my track team . At this point I'm like hype I got my homie in by gym class followed by my other homie...nigga gym was so tough. So as I dap him up these 2 girls walk behind him. One was kinda cute, Brown skin ass was glorious. The other was a lightskin girl, kinda tall was BAD (at the time) omg and I had my best shirt on nd shit I was fly but I'm not really worried cause all my niggas are in gym with me and when has that....ever happened when ALL your niggas had the same class besides lunch. So we sitting and my bro from track called me over and we started catching up. Out of nowhere the lightskin girl grabs my shoulder and asked what my name was (mind you was staring deep into my eyes like nigga my soul, I was beside myself) I told her my name and I went throughout my day.

So like a cool 2 weeks passed and ppl telling me "yoooo Brittney likes you" (Ima call her Brittney cause it's my story lol) mind you at this point it's been established by the brotherhood rank system aka period 8 lunch who were the baddest in school and everyone was tryna talk to them. They were arguably the 5 baddest in the school and niggas were on their heads. Now my one friend bagged one if them on the spot and the other one was already cuffed, but for them to tell me the most sought out one wanted me!? NI-GGA! I was feeling my self I started wearing shit I didn't usually wear to school (side note: I wore this Armani T shirt with the Black true religion jeans and some polo boots with this Hugo Boss jacket I was fly) Anyway weeks go by and I'm in music class talking to to homies and I tell them like yo....im bout to talk to Brittney....the problem was....

Brittney was the ex of my bro from track! So I'm like damn you my homie I'm not gonna do that to you etc I'm like I'm going to chalk It up, he goes "nah bro you good go head we friends but we broke up years ago" (THIS LOW-KEY WAS A WARNING But my dumb ass wanted a girlfriend so I'm like bet where she at?) Ok ok remember how HUGE MySpace use to be? Remember this.: So fast forward I ask for her number and she didn't have one cause idk but she had a house phone plus she added me on MySpace. So on MySpace that's were I started spitting THAT GAME and long story short I changed my relationship status from single to taken and THAT. SHIDD. FELT. GUUD! That shit felt like every nigga in that school had a shot and I came through like M'Baku like "Essssss challuuunge deeeeey" . You couldn't tell me shit , plus we had the same spanish class so we were out her being a couple nd shit and for the moment it was all going great.....until....

On one Friday it was a big ass party and instead of going I went to my Cousins house cause tbh fuck them parties they last like 1 hour always. So the weekend ended and Monday rolls by mind you I was getting calls from random ass numbers and I dont answer those like that so when Monday came around we had a fire drill and as SOON as everyone was outside and saw me they ran to me. I had atleast 8 people Coming up to to me saying "Dog bro you my mans get your girl she was at the party all up on some other nigga". me being naive as fuck is like " brittney? My baby? oh nooooo I don't believe yall shut up" but in the back of my mind I'm like ....wait....coikd she? Naah...so I go ask her and she immediately denies so I'm like ok cool. This was around the same time "rumors" started spread around the school that she was out here for the whole team was thottin and when I brought that up she goes "ww...well...that's not true who are you gonna believe your so called friends or someone who loves you?" AGAIN Me being a dickhead I'm like " Yeaaah baby Bonnie and Clyde, Hov and Bey, Angelina and Brad , we all we got! "(I'm laughing writing this cause I was like this..) Now along the way it was signs that were happening that I thought were weird. She would Always have "family" over or her "cousins" just came over out the blue and she had to get off the phone... 😂😂😂( I know man I know laugh! GO AHEAD! Its been almost 10 years fuck yall for laughing 😂🤣) Nd I'm like for an only child you sure have alot of family coming through. So the noise of it all started to get to me and I was over here questioning the relationship. I had a homie tell me to me face "Bro I do not want to see you get hurt and if you keep talking to her we NOT cool" so that night I'm like it's too many signs and tbh I don't wanna be with you anymore (even thoe I did....i did like fuck and I was acting like a bitch) so we broke it off and that's it.........WRONG!

Remember when I told y'all I was in love like a dickhead....well not even 3 days later we got back together cause she "missed me like crazy" and I'm like "baby I miss you too ajdgssnsjdndkd!😂" so we back together and like for them 5 days we were cool....the 6th day....nigga so I stayed after school with her and she was talking to me about Spanish tutoring and how this other nigga in my class was taking tutoring and that we should go....problem was the Spanish teacher got sick and cancelled so we stayed until the 4:00 bus...for her since she lived close it was the 2:45 shuttle so we kissed and she left. Fast forward to the after school bus my step sister stayed after with me and as we were riding back home she scream my name and says "Hey do you still go out with Brittney!?" Me confidently I'm like yeah whassup? She goes "Well hold on they talking bout she goes out with the one boul aka the NIGGA THAT WAS GETTING THE TUTORING IN SPANISH! I felt like a dickheaaaad on the bus. So many emotions, I felt like my lil bitch ass heart was ripped out, so I went home and called her she said message her in MySpace for right now. Thus is where I bring MySpace back.....how about I look on her shit and She put Boul in her TOP 5 behind me!!!!!!!! I was livid so.....

I messaged her like " Yo, are you and Bro talking what's going on...?" She hits me with a........

"Well I thought we were just friends talking " I was so angry I was like (From what I remember I wish I knew my account info but to sum it up I said ) "BITCH how dare you do that to me I loved you and you disrespected me you punk was blah blah blah " I wrote shawty a whole book angry and after I shut my laptop off.......and cried.

Smh lmao so my step sister growing up never like to see my super upset so idk HOW but she found her house number and I could hear downstairs her arguing with her nd etc. I didn't care I was upset I went on my MySpace and changes ALL my profile songs to breakup shit. Damn near a Chris Brown playlist I was HURT! I was writing cryptic ass messages talking about ima be lonley forever and yeah it was BAD! but eventuall I got over it....and the following Monday she ran straight over to me at was like "oh I'm sorry I really am and I'll get rid of all my contact and etc etc. We gotta spread some rulesnif we wanna make this work" I wasn't tryna hear dat shit. So in the end I said fuck it and we wentniur separate ways. I don't have any hate towards shawty but it was fucked up how I happened. Looking back, everytime I tell this story it gets funnier cause I was sprung. But yeah that's how I got Cheated on.....Never again thoe😂😂😂

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artemistudying · 8 years

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No matter what I do, I can't make myself try in school. I'm a solid B student, but I know if I applied myself fully,instead of procrastinating until the last minute and handing in first drafts, I could be a ninties student. Ugh. I keep fucking myself over. Advice?

Hiya there!omggg i understand. i really do. this happens to me too :(( thing is procrastination strikes at times just as this & youve got so much potential & can easily score well. but dont worry, with some time, hard work & patience you can tackle it! i haven’t put the basic things you find on websites cuz you prolly know/ read em. i put a few things i use & find helpful. (sry if somethings sound harsh, it’s just that being honest is the best thing you can do to combat procrastination)

some tips:

do you have a goal in life? a thing you’re working towards? maybe an ambition, or something personal that you want to achieve in life? everyone you sit down to study & feel like you dont want to, remember it. think of it. remember why you stared in the first place. maybe if you dont have a career choice for yourself yet, maybe have some small goal.for egs i want to be happy in life. if that’s your goal, do something that makes you happy. prioritize things that make you happy.

a lyric by eminem i stand by:‘look if you ever had one shot or one opportunity to seize everything you ever wanted in one moment, would you capture it or just let it slip?’

procrastination is the thief of time. i know its cliché lol but look at it this way; you have 2 weeks for an exam, you can either spend 2 weeks spreading out your work load and studying OR you can spend everyday wasting time & cramming in the last 2 days.

what’s something that you procrastinate doing? like for me its reading books or youtube or just scrolling through tumblr. i cut out reading books during exam time & read only at night. i cut out youtube during exam time as well. tumblr is something i come to once a day fr a few minutes. this all took time & it wasn’t easy.so cut out things that you procrastinate on. one by one. every small action matters.

try the pomodoro method. give this a read & try it. you can download the app as well!

read this from this awesome site:“ I have friends who almost never let themselves do the really fun things they want to do during the semester.They’ll talk about how much they want to play a certain game or watch a new movie, but when I suggest that they just go play it, they’ll say: “I really can’t; I have way too much homework and I’d feel guilty.”Five minutes later, though, I’ll see them scrolling through their Facebook feed.I call this low-density fun. Scrolling through your news feed or watching a few funny videos on YouTube is easy, and it’s sort of fun to do. However, because it’s so easy and feels so unlike “real” fun, it’s easy to not feel guilty about it – which leads to a lot of procrastination.The solution? Commit to having your high-density fun. If you want to play a video game later, commit to starting it at 8 p.m. Then, make sure all your work is done by then.Let your high-density fun create a deadline that propels you into focused work. “

a quote i LOVE:“effort never betrays you”

try the 2 minute method. study for JUST 2 minutes. and then maybe just 2 more minutes? then maybe just 2 more! trick your brain like this. trick your brain into thinking that studying is actually fun & that you’d want to do it just for 2 more minutes & keep going on. it really works for meeee!

try this study method:

do the easiest or most fun thing the first

then do the hardest

then the 2nd hardest

then something that HAS to be done

then finish off with something easy & fun!

eat the frog lol pls not reallyif you have something which you HATE doing, do that first. finish that first & then go ahead with the rest.

is there something you really like doing? for egs if you loooove chocolate, you can buy a small stash & keep it away. then you sit down & do some work & then IF and ONLY IF you’re satisfied with yourself, indulge in yourself. if you’re unhappy with the work done, do not take it.

if youve got a lot of things to do, make a timetable for yourself or a to-do list. also allocate an hour of activities/ exercise/ something you can do to get fresh air. it gets the blood flowing & helps a lot!

if its a subject you hate:just using my egs here, i hate physics & I’m bad at it but doing sums & questions make me happy cuz then with some hard work, i get the correct answer! so if you have a subject such as this, try to do something which helps you get an answer which might motivate you!

if you’re an audio learner (you can find you which type of learner you are here) try listening to some videos while you jog/ exercise. Khan academy (an app) lets you download the videos you want and u can listen to em offline. they’re really really good!!

if you know what type of learner you are, study using those methods!

think of the effort you have put in, in the past few years!! youve been in school for so long & if you dont put in the effort for this year, you’re basically wasting the time you spent in the past few years!

think of the effort, time & money your parents put to get you this education. work hard & make em proud ☺️

do you have a park in your area/ a coffee shop/ library? go there, DO NOT GET WIFI!!! delete all the games off your phone a well if you want to, & study there.

think of all that you can do for this world. youve got so much potential & so much to give. why waste it? if you ever fail in anything, that is okay, you can always try again! just remember, its the effort that counts.

be a sincere student. you’re not only lying to your teachers, you’re lying to your parents & yourself.

if it really gets out of hand, call your mum/ dad/ sibling t sit with you in the same room & study while they’re there, or better, teach them! that way they can call you out when you’re wasting time.

switch off your wifi modem? ask ur family members if its okay lols

give ur phone/ computer/ tablet/ etc to your patents, tell em to lock it in a cupboard & not give it to u. tell them to hide the key as well 😂

study with friends if that helps you! prom each other when you waste time

try fear? the day before your exam, work up all the things that might happen if you dont do your exam well or if you dont study. that might get your motors running? warning: this is kinda pessimistic. this is not for everyone. also if you have anxiety pls ignore this

remember, just be you. having fun is no crime but trying to escape your responsibilities is well kinda. try to get eternal happiness NOT momentary happiness.

do not let the toxic mixture of laziness & fear mess everything up

watch this 😂

watch this as well! then get back to work k!!

this post by @emmastudies on how to beat procrastination is v v good!!

make a good timetable if you’d like & stick to it. again u can force your fam to help u

discipline is MUST. try to follow a strict routine!“suffer the pain of discipline or the pain of regret.”

do NOT compare yourself to others.

everybody makes mistake, everybody has those days but the goal is to nOT make the same one again. try not to!

look, you can do it. set your mind to it. sit down, get your things out & just begin. i know you can. YOU know you can!!!! the only thing stopping you is you. do not let your dreams be crushed by a the needs of momentary happiness.

sry if this post is kinda long oopsi hope this helped! ace this, hun! you can do it. if you ever want to talk/need help, pls do send me an ask/ message. i know that its hard to break procrastination but trust me, you will get over it. just keep trying, k?take care & good luck. 💕

#q: finals #just keep trying k :)#you cannnnn <3 #tc!#answered #emmastudies #not-so-perfect-porcelain #procrastination #h #myposts #mymps #mytexts #productivity #masterpost

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just-keep-breathinggxx · 5 years

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ayyo whats up

I haven’t been feeling like posting daily recently soz. this past week has been a bit crazy for me. i’ve been logging on mfp of course tho. convenience in just logging weight and calories rather than my day’s events and emotions. the point of this is to see trends in my emotions and eating habits bc duh emotional eater here. ig starting where i left off. Monday my parents left for a 5-day hike, so i was left to my own devices for a while. Tues June 4 I was pre-occupied with trying to schedule my weekend and somehow still go to a twenty one pilots concert. I hit the 1200 cal limit (just over actually) mostly bc I had potato salad for dinner and chocolate chip cookie from wawa left over from the day before. Again, its all about convenience... maybe i should start meal prepping so its “grab n go” convenience all week. Anyway Wed June 5 I was able to snag top pit ticket for about $50 which is hella cheap (face value was $100) and sold my tix for the AC show (for below face value, but enough to pay for my other ticket). I was able to fast til the afternoon. Went to Sorrentino’s for a high fat Porkroll and Cheese sandwhich and got half a turkey and cheese sub for later. Also drank a sugar-free 8oz redbull on the way to newark and a bud light tall boy when i got there. Only ate half of my half sub so what that’s like 3 inch sub? quarter of a whole sub? Anyway my calories for Wed was under 1000. Thurs June 6 I woke up starving so ate the other half of my turkey sub for breakfast. I didnt eat again all day til like 7 pm. I really gotta stop going to wawa bc I always end up getting a milkshake and cookie with my sandwich (chicken bbq strip hoagie = 520 cal) which always sends me over 1200 cal. Didn’t eat the cookie though bc 16 oz milkshake is a struggle enough to finish on its own. all in all 1400 cal. Fri June 7 i did okay. Sometimes I dont feel hungry in the morning, and sometimes i’m ravenous when I wake up. Luckily it was the latter. I just had some coffee and did barn chores all morning. I ate the cookie for lunch though (convenience). I knew I had a busy day coming up on Saturday, so I went to Walmart last minute for a few things. Walked down the frozen dinners aisle cuz i knew I wouldnt have the time or energy for making dinner that night. Got one of those one serving Fit Bowls (Stouffer’s Beef with Brocolli). I hate how high in sodium they are though. I got Tollhouse cookie dough while I was there so I had cookies to bring to Jessie’s party the next day. ngl I had like a spoonful or two which is essentially a cookie or two in itself... Without the cookie dough Friday was 862 cal according to mfp. Sat June 8 I started out the day strong but mostly bc I knew I was gonna party moderately hard that night lol. Parents came home around 2am, which I had to let them in for. I had coffee when I got up later around 7 and went to Joe’s walkathon at Allaire. They had all kinds of snack foods spread out for the walkers. Sometime before we started, I had a small generic granola bar. After the walkathon I had to rush to get to Jessie’s new place for the housewarming party. Ya know, I never thought about how many calories are in beer let alone an IPA, otherwise I wouldve stuck to something lighter. Picked up a 6 pack of Dogfish Head cuz I couldnt find any Long Trails. Idk If I had the whole thing or not (blacked out around 4/5 beers lol). Hey, dont judge I literally only ate a tiny granola bar and a hotdog when I got there and im already a light-weight. I also couldnt pass up the cookies I made when I walked past them from the bathroom lol. I remember having two and mentally telling myself no more. Yesterday Sun June 9, I woke up kinda hungover. Dad asked if I wanted something from Sorrentino’s and i knew a Porkroll and cheese would help my hangover. Mom ditched to flipflop the longtrail again. I felt like shit from what I’d been putting in my body this past week and sorta fell down an *d rabbit hole on youtube and was sorta influenced to fast. So, yesterday, that was all I had. Lots of coffee and a breakfast sandwich. 637 cal. Today Mon June 10, Dad asked if I wanted to go to Sorrentino’s for breakfast. Tbh I woke up simultaneously straving and nauseous (hmm wonder why lol). So I agreed but instead of something heavy and carb loaded, I did the “no carb” platter. Scrambled eggs and bacon, hold the homefries and toast. I think if I do get hungry later today, I’d just have some tea and be good. Hopefully my dad won’t invite me to dinner with him and Susan later. My weight has been fluctuating around 145-147. Also forgot how much clothing can weigh ( about 2 lbs) bc I weighed myself in just my bra and underwear at 144.3 lbs after breakfast. Problem is, its my parents scale in their bathroom so normally when they’re not in I just dash in there (no shoes of course, but still clothed) and weigh myself. So, I put my clothes back on and weighed in at 146.3 lbs. Week average of 145.8 lbs. Honestly not complaining too much cuz that’s still down 3.2 lbs since I started two weeks ago. If i keep fasting and maybe doing omad I can get below 140 a few weeks.

#daily #food mention #long post #more like weekly lol

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kleyaaa · 7 years

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PLEASE DO NOT READ. PLEASE. IM BEING SERIOUS. ITS MY BIRTHDAY. WILLYOU GIVE THAT TO ME AS A GIFT? PLEASE. DONT READ THIS. :)

Ahhh soooo hmmmmm if you arent into dramas, emotional, depressing thoughts then i suggest that you stop reading this right now cuz im about to start something deep, something emotional

Its 11:47pm, 13 minutes before 12. Wow. I did the math right? Right? 13! Yep i love that show! Where did you cry? I cried at the beginning of episode 12. Where Hannah picked her phone and called Clay. Remember she put the bag on top of the car? And that moment, when she called Clay. Its fckd up! I have to stop! I felt i know what will happen next! I stopped! Not even kidding! I pause it. Went to the bathroom and cried. I dont even know why the heck i was crying. I just cried! But dont worry i finished it. I have too! Anyway. I dont know where to start.

I actually want to write this on my other account. Cuz i dont want people to be annoyed about this because some human in this world doesnt unfortunately understand depression, suicide or the feeling of being alone or left alone or someone who dont have someone.

But hey if i do that, hide and just be scared then im weak. So here i am :) that is why theirs a note at the beginning so that YOU HAVE A CHOICE anyway okay im gonna start now

Tomorrow is my birthday. Yey! Another day of fakesht. Some will post things about me. Good things about me. “Memories” we had. They will say they loved me, that they will be there for you always. That they are thankful to have you in their lives. Mygoodness. Im done with that. Done with that shts. Im sorry but i do not feel the way you guys think. I dont feel im appreciated enough. I dont feel the loved. I dont. Sorry.

Imma tell you a story about. Im not pleasing you guys to believe me that this is me. One who will always supports you. One who will be there for you whenever you need me. One who will tell exactly everything you wanna know. Im quite frank. I mean i say things straightly. Im that girl who will do everything for others. Who pleases people. Who tried a lot of times to be the number but always failed. Im nice. As much as possible i want to understand others. I want to love everyone. I hate wars. I hate discrimination. Colors or gender. Social status. Im open to everything and anything. I wont judge you if you are gay. If you are poor or fcked up kid. I wont. I will never ever. As much as possible, i dont wanna judge. Cuz man i dont know what the heck they are going through. I dont know the reason why she is wearing high heels and a leather jacket in the middle of sun rays. I dont know the reasons behind those smiles, those tears. I dont know anything.

I started being like, person who is as-much-as-possible-do-not-judge-people-base-on-what-my-eyes-can-see back in 2012 and beginning of 2013. Dont worry ill past forward things. Those years, i experience depression. I want to kill myself. I always cry. In the middle of the night. Those years the only thing i know is phone. Phone helped me a lot to somehow forget things. Those times im alone. Like no one is there for me or with me. Even parents. I was asking why the heck im into this. Im sooooo nice. Why the heck this is happening to me. What i have done to deserve this?

If you havent felt the feeling of suicidal. If you havent thought to kill yourself. If you havent try to kill yourself. The you wont understand. No. Depression is not just a “thing” that could passby. No. its not a joke. Its not a joke when you want to kill yourself because you feel that is the only way to end pain. That is the only option to stop sadness. If you never felt that feeling. If you havent thought using of knife to end your life while you are washing the dishes. Then you wouldnt understand.

Depression for me is fighting your self. You against yourself. The only way to get out of this is you, you have to figure it out on how you will fight againts your thoughts, those emotions, those negativities. You drown yourself on your on pool. It is a bit insensitive to say. I know sorry. But that is the definition i came up because that is my case. I wasnt bullied. No. at some point yes. But that is not the reason why felt suicidal. Its being alone and left alone. The feeling of you thought you have friends but you really do not have. Thats the reason why i wanted to kill myself. I love them. My friends. I truly love them. I treasure them. But the feeling is not mutual. They were smiling in front of you but guess what they are talking about you being so overreacting all the time. Being so weird. They stab you at the back. Loved you in the front.

That was back in 2012 and 2013. When i found that out. I stopped for a while. I was defeated for few days. But i said no. They wont win. Ill do what the fck i want to do. Fck them! Who cares! They are not happy with their lives thats why they look outside to make their feelings better.

Past forward. 2017. I thought everything is fine. I thought im done with those kind of stuffs. I thought i have “friends” now. Or at least someone i could talk to. But heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey. Nope. You havent. It feels weird actually. I really do thought im done with that. Feeling of being left alone. I really do thought im done. Its so weird im experiencing this again.

I chatted someone to see if that person cares about me cuz i really do care about her. I chatted her. She saw it. And didnt respond. Hmmm okay. I left the group chat to see if someone do care and chat me nice things or convince me or will try to help me. But no one. I posted something, like “stop caring to those who dont care about you” something like that not exactly okay. I wanted to see if someone or some of them will try to ask me if im okay. Or is there something wrong.

No. Nah. Not a single word from the people i was expecting to do something. That something matters to me cuz if someone did that something. At least i know i have one. I have someone.

But no one did.

Their silence kills me. Non response breaks my heart.

You know what hurts me the most? When they need me. Im there! Whenever they feel down. Dude! Im there to tell them theyre not alone. When they need a support. Im there! If i see them sad or alone. Im there! Im fck here. For them. But they are not. And i dont feel they will. They will someone be there for me. Its hard to explain. But i really do not feel like, they love me or they do appreciate me or they are there for me. No. i dont.

That is why i asked myself. Am i demanding? Am i not worthy? Am i expecting too much from them? Am i asking for more? Am i not being appreciative of their actions?

Am i selfish?

I dont feel i get what i deserve. I dont feel enough love. Im sorry

Im so sorry. I really dont.

That is why i decided to stop loving you guys. To stop caring about you and being rhere for you. Any of you.

I told you depressionn for me is fighting againts yourself. Yep i stand by that. But, a lift from ONE friend can help a lot. You dont need the world to fight with you. No. its your battle but a little help will help a lot. It could do so much things. All you need is one friend. Just one. ONE THAT WILL LISTEN TO YOU AND WONT JUDGE YOU. ONE WHOS OPEN TO TALK ABOUT YOUR SITUATION AND CAN UNDERSTAND YOU. JUST ONE.

2012 or 2017. I dont have one.

But there are 4 people who is still there for me on times i need someone. Im so sorry guys if i dont consider you as the one. Hahaahaha! If in case in the future you guys see this. Chesca my lovely chef. Diego my face of the night. Kezia my mentor my spiritual adviser my somehow everything kasi you always give me reason to breath again hahahaha and Rhea… yep youre here too. On the list. Wow hahahaha i mean on the list of people i should be thankful and whatever happen nanjan pa rin sila. Bukod sa pinautang mo ko. I felt the sincerity. Yung buong pusong tulong. I felt that with you when i needed money. I did not felt na may utang na loob ako sayo. You are sincere when you were helping. And i will never forget that.

Okaaaaayyyy where the heck am i?

Im lost. Ang haba kasi. Hahahaha! Its soooo long. I dont know if someone can survive on this longgggg emotional post hahahahaha

Its 1:02am

My birthday wish is i hope we can all have someone with us. Just one. One who will be there until our breath. It could be your future wife or husband. I dont know. But i really wish. We could all have the one. We deserve one. Everyone deserve one!

And be nice!

Your “hey are you okay? You can talk to me!” Could save a life!

And if you guys will ask… hmmmm how am i dealing with this sht again. I HAVE GOD :) well im still asking for someone cuz i want to have like a physical contact. Like i can call in the middle of the night and talk about non sense things. You know physical contact? Love you Lord! Dont hate me! Hahahaha!

But right now since i dont have someone, i have God, i can talk to and phone. Tumblr! Duuuhhh! I can write a book in here! Hahahaha!

Deep sigh I dont feel like i gave the message i wanted even though its like 134 pages now hahahaha ALL IN ALL. DONT BE A DICK. DONT BE A RUDE. BE NICE. BE OPEN. DONT JUDGE. HELP OTHERS. APPRECIATE PEOPLE. SPREAD LOVE. KINDNESS. AND TO THOSE WHOS SUFFERING SADNESS RIGHT. HEY! DO NOT STOP BREATHING OKAY? YOU CAN DO THIS YOU WILL WIN. YOU ARE NOT ALONE! GO FIND SOMETHING THAT COULD HELP YOU GET THROUGH THIS. GO BASKETBALL OR VOLLEYBALL OR PLAY PIANO OR LEARN ABOUT VOLCANOS IDUNNO JUST STAY BREATHING!!!! PLEASE!!!! FIND SOME INSPIRATION. YOUR IDOL!!! Selena Gomez or Demi Lovato!!! I dont know!!! Just, stay breathing okay? Okay? Promise me! I love you! And i love myself. Eventhough im fck up sometimes. And i love life eventhough sometimes it punches me right in the face. AND I LOVE GOD. EVENTHOUGH SEMANA SANTA IS ALWAYS ON MY BIRTHDAY! Love You Lord! :* Love you everyone! -eya

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tanyatakaishi · 8 years

Text

Innocent Games: the rewrite

Without a world to save, petty drama and circumstances have forced a rift between the digidestined. That is until they find themselves in a world shaped solely by their memories, without their partners, where the only monsters to face are themselves. I’m doing it. I’m posting the rewrite. I put it on A03 and after a lot of thought I decided to delete all the old chapters on ff.net. I replaced them with the rewritten version and will be reposting the entire thing over the next few months. You can read it here. Or, you can read on tumblr below. I hope to gain some new readers and have some of my favorite peeps return. :) Post 02, ignoring the epilogue, pretending tri don’t exist. Rated M for language, upcoming violence and sexual innuendo. Dub ‘cuz dub.

Innocent Games

I've seen worlds.

Before I knew that others existed, before I was torn from mine and forced to save another. Before the Digital World, I was sure they existed.

As a child, my mind teemed with magical places: a world where I could fly, another where I constantly wore a suit of armor (even in the tub) and got everywhere by riding a horse. In one, everything was blue. So blue that I couldn't tell the earth from the sky from the ocean from myself. But my favorite world was the one formed by fading memories: where my brother and I still shared a tiny room and I didn't do much but cry. I remember it in pieces: the legos spread across the floor, Matt's foot in my face when I snuck into his bed and turned in the night, the way we'd run to shut the door when our parents kissed, pretending like we hated it.

I sometimes wonder about the world Oikawa brought us to. If there were a way to get back there, if all those worlds could exist in a world like that.

I used to wonder if I was the only one who wondered.

Now that I'm here, I don't wonder at all.

....

Chapter One Black Hole

...

i need u

The words had been sitting mockingly on his phone for more than an hour, waiting for a response. Matt frowned, finally left with nothing to do but answer. His college essay sat on his brother's desk, covered with comments in red pen (too poetic, too vague, this should be a semi-colon not a comma) all written in skewed pillars of scratchy scrawl. His eyes slipped sideways, across piles of books and crumpled paper to the disheveled bed. An arm slumped over TK's face, but his knees were pointing toward the ceiling and every now and then he had to readjust his feet to keep them there. Patamon had curled into a nest of blankets by his side, long furry ears masking his face. Matt turned back to his phone and hammered out a line with his fingers. Hanging with my brother tonight.

bring him with

Is your sister coming?

no excuses

Matt could think of a hundred. Nope

i thought blondes had more fun ¬_¬

With a verbal groan, Matt's fingers found the bridge of his nose. Tai's name blurred across the screen of his mobile. He set the phone face down and fiddled with a box of cigarettes nestled in his pocket, fingertips dancing along the few that remained.

“Better leave them there,” TK mumbled into his mattress. “Mom's gonna flip when she finds out you're smoking.” He lifted his head and Patamon squirmed in his sleep. “Who are you texting?”

Matt pulled out a cigarette anyway, letting it linger against his lips. “Tai.”

“You're not going to light that in here...”

“I'm going outside.”

“Better brace yourself. An hour lecture. Minimum.” TK watched as Matt stood. “You didn't tell her about Sora yet, did you?”

The cigarette bent between Matt's teeth.

“Make that two hours,” said TK.

come on! Mimis back. i told her every1 would be there b a friend and act suprised

With a sigh, Matt closed the balcony door behind him. His phone went off again.

man up. u cant avoid Sora 4ever

I'm not Matt stopped typing and his thumb jabbed into the backspace button, erasing his words. He shoved the phone in his pocket and lit his cigarette.

…

your gonna come cuz im irresitable

Does your phone not have spell check?

its not smart

Sora bit back a smile and rolled her eyes.

“Are you sexting?”

Her whole face flushed. “Omigod, no. Mimi.”

Noodles flopped in front of Sora's nose when Mimi pointed a pair of chopsticks at her. “You look like you're playing coy. Is it Matt?” Mimi grinned and the yakisoba retreated, sliding behind her pink lips with a loud slurp.

“Playing coy?”

Mimi spoke with one cheek full. “Pretending you don't like the sexting.”

“I am not sexting.”

“You and Matt don't sext?”

Sora put her phone down. “No! What if someone read it?”

“Who doesn't enjoy some steamy literature once in a while?”

“My mother.”

“She doesn't like Matt?”

“She doesn't like sexting,” Sora hissed. She hid her face behind her hand when an old couple was seated in the booth beside them. “You did hear me when I said we broke up, right?”

“I'd rather live in denial.” Mimi pouted when Sora glared. “Whyyyy? You guys are so cute together.”

That was true, she guessed. Every picture of them was gorgeous. Matt was perpetually handsome, even when he was at his worst. Did he have a worst, really? His frown practically oozed sex. That definitely wasn't his worst: the brooding crease by his cheekbones and narrowed frosty gaze. His smile certainly wasn't. It was bright and charming, even when he was all awkward and embarrassed and his cheeks burst into rosy splotches.

Sora closed her eyes when her phone chimed with a new message. “I don't know,” she said. “Maybe that's why.”

“Because you guys are cute...?”

“Because we...” A piece of chicken was speared through by her chopstick. “Because we're perfect together.” Sora concentrated on wrapping a single noodle around it. She swore she could hear Mimi's jaw drop.

“Well, that's stupid.”

Sora looked up and found Mimi's mouth had puckered, like she tasted something sour. Her eyes narrowed and Sora's narrowed right back. “Thanks.”

“Explain.”

Sora groaned. “It feels like we're always trying too hard. We never fight.” She sighed when Mimi raised her brows. “I mean about us. Our relationship. Shouldn't we fight about us sometimes?”

“You broke up with Matt because you guys don't fight about your relationship?”

“You're making it sound stupid.”

“I'm just repeating what you said.”

Sora flicked a straw wrapper at her and it barely fluttered. “I tried once. To fight with him. About the band. I acted like I was jealous of it, even though I wasn't.” She laughed and Mimi took another big bite of yakisoba. “He just looked at me, you know, like he was trying to get me and then he asked if he should quit.”

“Seriously?”

“Dead serious. He wasn't even mad. He said it didn't matter. Like music didn't matter more than me.”

“That's really sweet.”

“It's not. It's uncomfortable.” Sora poked at her food and everything seemed to rush out of her in one breath. “I'm always uncomfortable. When its just us, I get... he makes me nervous – my stomach hurts, sometimes I can't even breathe.”

“Sounds like a crush.”

“It's exactly like a crush.” Sora frowned. “For four years.”

Mimi swallowed another bite of noodles and stared at her, hard. “You broke up with Matt because you've had a crush on him for four years.”

“I just want to be friends again. I want to sit in a room with him while he plays guitar and not feel like I have to sing his praises. I want to work on a sketch without him telling me how beautiful it is. I want him to forget our anniversary. I want him to do something wrong.” Sora's eyes sunk to her uneaten meal and found a notification on her phone.

“You want someone less perfect.”

Nodding, Sora checked her messages. “I guess.”

sora you dissapoint me. i left u the perfect opening and u blew it. so u coming 2 the party or what?

“Do you want to go to this party Tai's bugging me about?” Sora asked.

Mimi beamed. “Who do you think convinced him to go?”

….

emergency meeting

“I call bullshit,” Davis grumbled.

The pew pew pew of the arcade shooter quieted when Yolei stopped her relentless button mashing to raise a brow at him. It shot up like a question mark beneath her lenses, glaring with the countless lights of electronics. “What?”

Leaning against the side of an old pinball machine, Davis lifted his phone so she could see the text on his screen.

Ken took out another couple zombies before racking up his arcade gun. Davis huffed when Ken's name outranked his in the high scores.

Pushing hair behind his ear, Ken pulled his cell from his back pocket. “I have the same text.”

Yolei hung up the gun she'd still been holding and grinned devilishly when her name climbed to the top of the screen. She flipped open her phone. “He sent it to all of us.

“It's bullshit,” Davis spat. “Guaranteed. Mimi's in town, scheming. She probably stole his phone.”

“It does say emergency,” said Ken.

“Wait. No, Davis is right. I think he's bluffing.” She pulled a crumpled piece of paper from her purse and attempted to smooth it. “Apparently Tai's class is lacking in graphic designers. I think someone did this in Paint. God awful.”

She held up a flyer covered in ridiculously drawn confetti and written entirely in Comic Sans. “The seniors are throwing a graduation party.”

Ken looked at his phone again. “Why would Tai invite underclassmen?”

“Because it's Tai,” said Yolei. “He likes attention.”

Davis frowned. “He's going to beat me up.”

“Oh please, he messaged all of us.”

“I'm not going,” said Davis. Bullshit, he typed.

u got me emergency party

And then a second later, dont worry, im not gonna beat u up

Davis leaned forward, peering suspiciously around the corner to find a bunch of elementary kids gathered around the latest version of DDR. No Tai. He held up a finger when Yolei tried to talk to him. Thanks, he wrote. It took him a while to hammer out the next line. Kari gonna be there? I need to talk to her.

maybe not

“What is that supposed to mean?” asked Yolei.

Davis flinched and shrugged his shoulder into her chin, nudging her away. “Stop reading my texts.”

“You were about to show it to me anyway.”

True, but he wasn't about to admit it. “Mind your own business.”

“Please, your business is everyone's business.”

“No it's not.” Davis looked to Ken for back up and was let down by a shrug. “Shut up.”

“I didn't say anything,” said Ken.

Davis huffed and showed Ken his phone. “What is this supposed to mean?”

“I think he's being purposefully elusive.”

“So that I come? Or I don't? Maybe he forgot to leave me out of the message.”

“I doubt that,” said Ken.

“He knows it takes two to tango,” said Yolei.

“There was no tango-ing,” Davis snapped, trying not to sound disappointed. “We had a moment.”

“With your tongues. While she was dating TK.”

Davis reached into his hair to fiddle with his goggles before he remembered they were missing. He could still picture them, nestled in Kari's hair. He crossed his arms. “I know, I know. I'm an asshole.”

“You just weren't thinking,” said Ken. If it had come from someone else, Davis would've taken it as an insult, but Ken did this thing with his voice that was eerily soothing.

“Was that Kari's excuse?” Yolei's eyes went all squinty, the same way they did whenever she took off her glasses. Davis sorta wanted to steal them so she always looked that stupid.

“It was a moment,” he repeated.

She was already ignoring him, fingernails clicking against buttons as she hammered out her own texts at breakneck speed.

Davis pouted at Ken and returned to Tai's message. It must have taken him a good five minutes to write back, because Ken was already winning against the next round of computer zombies. Tell her to come. I'll be good. You can even chaperone us.

His phone gave a pleasant chirp in return.

as if u had a choice

Davis started to respond when Yolei's voice squealed, “Oh! We're doing makeovers at Sora's!”

“We?” he asked.

“For the party. With Mimi. The girls,” Yolei said. Before Davis could open his mouth again, she looked up from her phone to glare at him. “Kari's not coming.”

He frowned. “Crap.”

Ken gave him a small smile. “Whack-a-mole?”

“How'd ya guess?”

…

emergency meeting

Green eyes scanned the words through thin metal bars. Ripping off his glove, Cody typed a quick reply. Where?

His fingers tapped impatiently on the end of a shinai while he waited for a response. “Sorry, sensei.”

Removing his helmet, Chikara Hida gave a wave of dismissal and kicked back a swig of prune juice. His white beard came back glistening around a smile, wrinkles kissing the corners of his cheeks. “How is the Digital World these days?”

“Peaceful.” Cody pulled off his own helmet and pushed strands of damp hair from his eyes. He looked over his shoulder to where Upamon was happily playing with his own mini shinai, his oversized ears swinging it around with strange precision. Cody's attention turned back to his phone and it felt suddenly heavy in his hand. “It's been a long time since we've had a meeting.”

“We haven't seen anyone since I've been back,” complained Upamon, suddenly dropping his weapon. He bounced across the dojo floor and flew into Cody's back, forcing him forward. “Are we having a meeting?”

“Sounds like it.” His phone chimed and he peered down at the new message.

Bullshit, it said. A tiny avatar bursting with burgundy hair appeared beside it. Davis was grinning behind his goggles and shooting up what he must have thought was some sort of American gang sign.

Cody squinted at his phone, watching as Tai and Davis messaged back and forth.

“Is everything all right?” his grandfather asked.

“False alarm,” Cody answered flatly. He gave Upamon's head an affectionate pat and typed out a quick message of his own.

Davis, you're in a group text.

His phone chimed again.

Fuck

…

Ba-ding.

Ba-ding. Ba-ding.

Ba-ding.

The phone slid under a pillow and a body slid under the sheets, further and further until it was just a ball at the foot of the bed. It gave a pitiful moan. “Please stop.”

A door creaked open. “You could turn it off.”

The lump shook, a pathetic vibrating that only ended when the smoothly tucked corners of the the comforter were yanked out from under the mattress, uncovering it.

Susumu Kamiya sat on the bed and gave his daughter's hair a rub. Chestnut strands stuck in every direction, clinging to the sheets.

Kari pulled the covers back over her head. “I messed everything up,” she moaned, wiping damp cheeks into her mattress. “Even Tai's mad at me.”

“He's not mad at you, honey. He's just brothering.” Susumu laughed, just a little snort of appreciation at his own humor. “You know, like mothering, but he's your broth—”

“Got it, Dad,” Kari moaned.

“Anyway, you didn't mess everything up. You're in high school, Kari. This isn't time for a serious relationship anyway.”

“You mean any relationship.”

“That's my girl.”

Ba-ding.

Susumu's hand reached and slipped under her pillow. He started scrolling through her messages.

Kari peeked from under the covers. “Dad!”

“You don't want to read that. Or that.” He stretched his arm away from her grabbing hand. “Protecting my daughter's virtue is my dadly duty. Please.”

Kari found her nose smushed under his palm. “Stop looking at my—”

“Definitely not that. Wow. I'm gonna have a talk with his mother about that language. Oh here.” Susumu released her face and handed her the phone. A row of texts had appeared, all accompanied by a grinning picture of Mimi Tachikawa, who (courtesy some good trick photography) seemed to be sporting Lady Liberty's crown.

“You should go have fun with the girls,” Susumu said. “Get out of the house.”

Kari looked up from her phone and frowned. “Stop fathering me.”

“Too late.” He patted her knee with a boyish grin. “Did that a long time ago.”

….

im here. ur mom made dinner. its delish

“Mmmmm, Mrs. Izumi,” Tai mumbled through a mouthful of dumplings, “dese are amadin'.” He grabbed another between his fingers and offered it to Joe, who sat awkwardly beside him, knees knocking into the Izumi's coffee table.

Joe peered over his glasses at the food, moist in Tai's palm. “Let's leave some for Izzy.”

Shrugging, Tai popped it in to join the others. The bedroom door opened.

“Iddy!” Tai swallowed. “Can I have your mom?”

Izzy's eyes, dark and lined with heavy shadows, flickered to the kitchen where his mother was putting together another plate. His attention turned back to Tai who seemed to be waiting for a serious answer. “No.”

“I have some fresh bok choy and garlic,” Mrs. Izumi said, carrying a tray into the living room. The smell preceded her and Tai's mouth started to water.

“Trade?”

Izzy ignored him and turned his attention to Joe. “I'm going to make an educated guess and conclude the emergency's a farce.”

“This is why I don't add you to group texts,” Tai grumbled. “You ruin all the fun.”

Mrs. Izumi set the bok choy on the table and Tai quickly snatched some up with his chopsticks, thanking her through a loud slurp. “Would you boys like anything to drink?” she asked.

“Could I take my dinner in my room?”

“Oh, well, of course, Izzy, but,” Mrs. Izumi seemed to hesitate, her hands wringing together, “don't you want to take a break?”

“I want to show them what I've been working on,” he said, rubbing a tired eye. “I'll go to bed after that.”

“No way, emergency meeting, Izzy.”

Izzy set his eyebrows until they looked like a big bushy V and Tai grimaced.

“Is everything all right?”

“Everything's fine, Mom. Don't worry.”

“Okay, I'll just put this all on a tray for you. Tai, Joe, are you staying for—”

“No,” Izzy said. “They have a party to go to.” He pulled open his door, motioning for them to step inside.

“Aw man,” Tai moaned, slumping into Izzy's office chair. His neck craned backwards, making it seem as if his large mop of hair was weighing him down. “Killjoy, that's what you are. I coulda boxed that up and taken it home for later. Do you know how hard it is to get a good meal at my house?”

Izzy pushed the chair so that it rolled away from his desk, Tai flopping with it. An array of screens were running in black and white, with code so tiny that Tai had squint his eyes to make out any of it.

“So what's got you too busy to make it to my graduation party? This is like a once in a lifetime opportunity, Izzy.”

“No one went to mine,” interjected Joe, stretching his legs as he sat on Izzy's bed. “Including me.”

“Wrong.” Tai snapped his fingers. “I went to yours.”

Izzy tapped a couple of lines into the screen, his dark eyes running back and forth to double check his work. He looked haggard. His red hair was long again, sticking out in every direction in greasy clumps. Tai was about to ask when he'd last thought to take a shower when he spoke up.

“I'm replicating the data that existed in the world MaloMyotismon brought Davis's team into.”

Tai sat up straight and used his feet to roll the chair forward. His eyes danced over the screens. “You mean Whoop-ass Wishing World?”

“That's what you named it?” Joe asked.

Tai gave a shrug. “Davis did. Made sense.”

“WWW.” Izzy's top lip curled with a hint of amusement, fingers still flying across the keys. “Because of it's connection to the Digital World, I've actually managed to extract a quantitative code that could potentially give us the power to create tangible spaces with the images in our brains: memories, dreams...”

Joe gave a heavy swallow. “You're kidding.”

“Not at all,” groaned a voice beside his rear.

Joe jumped, literally taking off across the room with a hand clutched over his breast when Tentomon appeared from under the covers.

“He's been working on it all night,” Tentomon moaned, green digital eyes flickering sleepily. “And all day. And the night before that and the night before that...”

“So what you're saying is”—Tai gave a big grin and rolled up, bumping the back of the chair into Izzy's legs—“he needs a break. A party perhaps?”

Izzy was already shaking his head. “I'm not going, Tai. Do you have any idea what a breakthrough like this could mean? We can dream up”—he started to look a bit manic— “endless possibilities. This could mean a world of unlimited resources... we can literally create an entire world of unlimited resources.”

“You must have weird dreams.”

“He has no time for dreams,” yawned Tentomon. “Never sleeps.”

“Izzy, Izzy, Izzy,” Tai tsked. He stood and threw an arm around his shoulders. “You gotta know when to quit. This isn't healthy, is it, Joe?”

Joe was already busy picking up an assortment of empty tea bottles from the floor. “I hope you're drinking water.”

Izzy lifted his shadow-rimmed eyes to Tai's, squinting. “Breakthrough.”

“Is this why you missed my soccer game Friday?” Tai pouted when Izzy gave a shrug. “You wound me.”

A knock disturbed them and Mrs. Izumi slowly opened the door with a tray of food in her arms. There was enough for all of them even though they weren't staying. “It's so nice to see you boys,” she said when Izzy quickly turned back to his screen. “It's been too long.”

Tai deflated. “College applications, ugh.”

In truth, they were only half the problem. It had been more than six months since he had attempted to get the group together. The older they got, the more complicated everything seemed to get. School was a given, relationships were just, ugh, drama... heck, even soccer was crazy. A quarter of the team was stressing over college scouts. Tai was over it. He hated complicated – the stress, everything--it was easier to avoid it.

“Just wait until you're in college,” groaned Joe. “I don't even know why I'm here.”

“Easy.” Tai grinned. “Me.”

Mrs. Izumi smiled. “I can't believe how much you've all grown.” She set the tray down and the fingers on her hand twitched, just behind her son's red hair. It lowered suddenly when Izzy began to plug in another line of a code and Tai noticed the way her smile stretched when her eyes filled with tears.

Joe must have noticed too, because he started fumbling with his armful of empty bottles and excused himself, bolting out of the room to throw them into the recycling bin.

Izzy immediately stopped typing and turned to her. “I can't speak for Tai, but I'd deduce my growth has a lot to do with your incredible cooking.” He rubbed one tired eye and forced a grateful smile.

“Please speak for me,” Tai said, swiping yet another dumpling. He internally breathed a sigh of relief when Mrs. Izumi's face lit up, tears shining.

“I really appreciate it,” Izzy continued. Pink welled into his cheeks when she kept smiling. “Thanks, Mom.”

Her voice came out sweet and strangled. “You're welcome, sweetheart. You boys let me know if there is anything else I can get you.” The door closed after Tai caught her wiping her eyes.

He turned to Izzy. There was a brief moment unspoken between them, a concern Tai wasn't sure how to voice: What's going on? Why is your mom crying? Are you okay?

Izzy turned back to his screen and Tentomon buzzed into the side of his leg, a not so subtle nudge. He leaned down to grab a dumpling from his partner's outstretched claw.

“I'll call you when I've reached a stopping point,” Izzy said before taking a bite. His mouse clicked once, twice, and then he reached backwards without looking and rolled the office chair back in front of the desk. He took a seat and clicked again.

“Okay, I get it.” Tai shoveled a mound of food into his palm for the road. “You're on a roll. Breakthrough. Yeah, call me when you decide to be cool again.”

“A breakthrough that could theoretically save the world.”

“Meh. Already did that. Literally.” Tai put one last dumpling on his pile. “You make sure he gets a shower later, eh Tentomon?”

Izzy frowned while Tentomon gave an obedient salute.

Tai's fingers danced by his head in a weak imitation of Medusa's snakes. “Your hair, Izzy, geez. Shower! Water, food... life!” He tore into the dough with his teeth and spoke through a mouthful of pork. “You know Mimi's gonna be there, right?”

There was another light flush in Izzy's cheeks and Tai felt triumphant.

“Tell her I said hello,” Izzy mumbled before taking his own bite of food. “How long is she in town?”

“A week, I think.” Tai gave a shrug and headed for the door. “Life,” he hissed, backing out of the room. “La-iiife.” He could have sworn he saw Izzy start to laugh, just the slightest shake of his shoulders.

Joe almost ran into his back. “Where are you going?”

Tai popped another piece of food into his mouth. “To da pardy.”

“What, that's it? You aren't going to drag him out by the collar and call him a pansy?”

“Nope.”

Joe glared through his lenses. “Yet it's perfectly acceptable to do to me?”

“Can't do it to Izzy.” Tai slapped him between the shoulders of his collared shirt, hard. “He's got a backbone.”

…

The screen had gone blurry long before he finally quit. Izzy's face lowered onto the keyboard, crushing keys. Blank lines entered beneath the cursor until there was nothing left but black. It took a minute before he realized he'd fallen asleep.

Izzy peeled his sticky cheek from the back of his hand and robotically erased the lines until he was back to a screen full of code. He rubbed his eyes but the numbers wouldn't focus. Yawning, he saved his work and rolled his chair backwards.

“Shower,” he mumbled, still hearing Tai's voice chiming cheerfully in his ear.

It had been a long time since Tai had been by.

Maybe it just felt long. Time didn't pass normally when he was working. Obsessing, Tentomon would say worriedly from his usual position on his bed. The digimon spent the rest of his time in the kitchen with his mom, worrying. Izzy cast a look over his shoulder as he trudged tiredly to the hall, catching the digimon snoring beneath the covers. Guilt crawled into his belly and he slowly closed the door behind him.

Izzy tried to shake it off. It would be over soon. The program was complete. It was riddled with bugs, a million different glitches that he couldn't seem to figure out, but the essence was there. The power to create, just waiting for his fingertips.

Turning on the water seemed mundane, infinitesimal in comparison to everything he could be doing. Necessary only because he was, unfortunately, still very human.

Izzy stared at himself in the mirror, his red hair was greasy and wild from endless frustrated tugs and long enough that it looked a miniature version of Tai's gravity defying mane. He attempted to smooth it and it stuck to his scalp in kinky waves. He gave himself a small sniff and his nose crinkled with disgust.

Sighing, he stripped and stepped into the shower. Code danced across his closed eyes, burnt permanently into his retinas, while the screen in his room slowly ate it away.

Inside his computer, the numbers collapsed. Code slipped from all sides of the monitor, funneling to the center of the screen. The whole room flashed, a distortion of a pixels, just a glimpse into the world beyond. Then everything went silent.

Months of work lost and in its wake, a black hole, just waiting for something else to come close.

#innocent games #my fanfiction #digimon fanfiction #rewrite #chapter 1

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