#i realised i dont need to go to uni to READ

[ccorinthian]

im gonna start reading criminology

[the-casbah-way]

i think every university student who has a job and studies at the same time deserves everything they want forever actually

[yutarot]

PARADISE FOUND [n.jm]

PART ONE.

wc: 7.1k

after your bestfriend, jeno, drags you to a party the night before the biggest day of the summer, you wake up too late to get there on time. but maybe the tide will wait for you - if the tide was in the form of a bleached blond surfer with a hatred for every little thing you do, and a connection that leads you back to eachother; again, and again and again.

TAGLIST - OPEN

WARNINGS: mention of alcohol/being drunk. mention of sex. depiction of near drowning/injury

DISCLAIMER: all events/portrayals of people are fake and from my imagination, in no way am i claiming that they act like this irl

PARADISE FOUND - M.LIST

it has been 11 months since you have spoken to him. 11 months of avoiding every lingering attempt of eye contact he has tried to pursue on you. and each and every month has sunk you lower and lower into a state of shock at the initial moment he broke up with you. you were a mess to put it simply.

but summer was coming back around, you would be moved from life-guarding the indoor college pool to the beach and that meant for one thing and one thing only.

you would see him again. you would see yangyang again.

“yn? ynnnnn?” your best friend calls out for you around your dorm. “girl where the fuck are you?”

giselle has been there for you every step of the way during your first year of college, giving you the guidance but also the space you need, you respect her a lot more than you ever tell her. now that you're in your second year, it makes you wonder if you ever should.

“i’m here.” you laugh, grinning at her lousy attempt to find you, tucked away in the bathroom. she walks in, hands covering her eyes in terror as she realises she’s walked in on you ‘dropping the kids off at the pool’ as your brothers friend, mark, likes to call it.

“not a single warning???” the door slams behind her and you cant help but laugh, hearing the faint voice of your other roommate, julie, questioning if giselle is okay.

you love your friends, you really do, each day consumed with laughter and mindfulness. you wouldn’t trade the dynamic you guys share for the world, not even if it meant for you to be happier.

of course you have other friends too, your closest friend jeno, being your most notable, even amongst giselle and julie. but the comfort you feel with the girls allows for you to share your feelings in a different light, even if you are, at times, smothered by darkness.

you head to your morning class, julie at your side. although you’re both very different in personality; julie a sweeter and a quieter version of yourself, you both beam together in studies. being an english literature major meant you were able to put your thoughts into words, whilst she strived to put her words, unspoken, onto paper.

the sun was brighter than usual, an indication towards the beginning of summer.

“i cannot WAIT for this summer.” julie sneered sarcastically.

“come on, everyone seems to love the beach except you. we literally go to a uni, on the beach, surely you should have expected-“

“i came for jaehyun.”

fair enough. you couldn’t argue with that.

jaehyun was jenos cousin, you’d met him many times at jenos christmas parties, their strikingly similar sense of style overwhelmed you at first, but you soon became aware of julie’s little crush on jaehyun, watching as it bloomed into what now is their relationship.

she squealed at the thought of her boyfriend. “6 months on saturday!” holding your hand, she danced around you, you couldn’t help but laugh at her switch in attitude. “ yn im so happy you lead me to him.”

“urg don’t get cheesy on me now, we’re about to read shakespeare in class i dont need to hear it now before i even step foot in the lecture hall.”

huffing, she turns away from you, leading you into the hall. your first class of the summer.

your phone buzzes in your pocket. again. again. again. your anger getting the better of you as you roll your eyes, digging into the pocket of your shorts to read the messages.

[jen] where are u?

[jen] will u reply pls

[jen] im bored

your anger subsides - albeit only slightly - at the sight of your bestfriends name as it flashes up on the screen.

[jen] i know you can see these

[jen] your probably watching them come through and laughing at me 😕😕😕😕

you try not to laugh to yourself, the library sounding empty yet being full of people working.

[yn] the library

[yn] dont come here ill meet u

[jen] beach bar?😁

[yn] beach bar.

packing up your things, you head down the library steps and wander your away across the sandy path to the beach. it isn’t a short walk, your entire college campus is practically on the beach itself, causing for horrible windy winters but the most beautiful place to be in summer. this only means that the winter break is extended, with the college staying open in summer to maximise its use of the beach.

you spot the familiar palm-tree umbrellas and the somehow constant reggae music from afar, squinting around the sofa’s for a hint of black hair until you spot him.

sitting down he looks across at you in wonder, brows furrowing.

“damn, didn’t think you’d really come to be honest”

you hold yourself back from slapping him clean in the face.

“what’s that supposed to mean.”

“yanno….” he looks around before leaning forward, somehow whispering yet shouting at the same time, “yangyang works over t h e r e.” he points with obnoxiously large movements towards the surf shop, using not only two hands but his entire body to point in the direction of your ex boyfriend.

you stare at jeno, unamused.

“i’m about to leave if you keep doing that.”

“noooooooooo stayyyyyy” his voice is monotone, sarcastic.

your’s and jenos teasing of one another was your favourite part about your friendship, knowing so much about eachother that you know exactly what makes the other person crack. but there’s also times where a serious tone can easily take over conversation, and you both can become mutual to each others moods quite quickly.

you bury yourself in the sofa, showing that you have no intent on leaving anytime soon which surprises jeno, eyebrows raised.

“i’ll have to get over him at some point.” you shrug, “why not now?”

he grins at that, nodding in pride.

“atta girl.”

you both talk for hours, talking about your assignments, your friend group and getting excited over plans you could make in the upcoming weeks. one of which jeno seems particularly passionate about.

“beach bonfires every night.” he chants and you look up at him in bewilderment.

“jeno you know i hateeeee parties.” you drag out your words so he understands you in definition.

he pulls out his phone, “well too bad, i already made a groupchat with everyone in it. you’re coming yn.”

your eyes tell jeno that your not entirely joking, you’ve never been a big partier, always opting to stay at home whenever the rest of the group invites you to go. but this time, jeno is going to make sure you have fun. this summer will be different.

“why don’t we have one tonight.” he exclaims. “ease you into it.”

your eyes go wide. “you CANNOT be serious. jeno i have work tomorrow and it’s my first beach shift this year. i need to be there for my training.”

“don’t worry, ill make sure you get there, just let loose a little. why not? it’s the start of summer.”

you’re skeptical. but he’s right; it’s the start of summer and there’s no better time to start than now. you can only wish that you’ll enjoy yourself as much as he says you will.

“okay fine. but you can’t leave me.”

“not at all, ill be by your side the entire time.”

you never believe him when he says that, always going off towards the end of the night with some girl wrapped around his arm. but this time, something in the sincerity of his words makes you trust what he’s saying. he’s giving you a chance. a chance to let go of yourself and everything that’s been bothering you for the past 11 months. a chance for you to set off this summer better than the last. a chance for you to find your own paradise.

after jeno rolls out a message to nearly every living organism within a 500 meter radius telling them of a bonfire that night, it dawns upon you that you shouldn’t feel so scared to hang out with your friends. you should feel like jeno, smile plastered on his face as he reads between the lines of his book titled ‘math for dummies.’ you’re not entirely sure how jeno got into college to study math in the first place, but how he got to keep his place after failing exam after exam is even more beyond you. but anyhow, he’s at peace with the events of tonight, no wavering wash of anxiety covers his expression quite like yours. jeno notices you sitting there, fingers wrapped around thumbs as you try not to think about the upcoming event. would you see yangyang? would he try and talk to you? what if he has another girlfriend already? i mean it’s been 11 months…

he says nothing of your lack of concentration. mind sucked into his book, probably going into shock at the moment the book starts adding letters.

you and jeno finish up your time at the beach bar as you walk back to your dorms. the boys dorm and the girls dorm at seperate sides of campus, you split with eachother early on. texting giselle, you see who’s home.

[yn] are you in

[yn] ???

[giselle 🫶] yes are u on ur way back?

[yn] yes pls let me in i forgot my key

[giselle🫶] give me a second

after waiting at the door for what seems like an hour, giselle finally lets you in, towel wrapped around her hair.

“how the hell do you forget your key??!” she mumbles between her toothbrush.

making your way to your room, you yell back across the hall in response. “i use a different bag everyday.” you shrug. you open your closet, scanning for an appropriate outfit for tonight when julie’s head pokes around the corner of the doorway.

“no way….” her eyes are wide and you motion for her to be quiet. jeno already made a big deal about you going so you can’t back out, giselle finding out that your going to your first party without yangyang will only cause for noise complains from your neighbours. “no WAY.” but julie continues, herself in shock. your shushing does nothing. “giselle get over here RIGHT NOW.”

you want to sink into the floor, perhaps end up at the dorm below where those people don’t know you. but giselle’s reaction is far different from anything you expect.

“you’re coming to jenos party????” she’s so quiet you feel the urge to throw something at her to get her to speak up. “yn you don’t have to go if it makes you uncomfortable. we know you don’t like par-“

“i want to go.”

no you don’t? you do a double take on your own words as they spill out of your mouth. but you were trying to prove something, not only to jeno and yangyang, but to yourself.

giselle, albeit it somewhat annoyingly, runs up to you with an arm full of different dresses, dresses you would never dream of wearing, all embroidered with flowers and different colours you didn’t even know should be in the same outfit together.

but when your eyes lands on one of the dresses, all of your criticism moves to the side. it was just perfect.

giselle can see you staring at it. “i’ve never worn it. my grandma made it for me.”

you look up at her. desperately trying to give it back. “i can’t wear it.”

“yes you can.” she smiles and you hesitantly take the dress back from her, holding it against your body in the mirror.

your nerves were now becoming excitement.

you, giselle and julie get there well after the likes of everyone else. struggling to walk on the sand, you rip your eyes from your feet to look up. jeno was right, you needed this. the sun setting along the line of the ocean, the shadows caused from the bonfire in the middle of the sea of bodies, everyone in their respective friend groups - you felt comfort.

seeing you before you see him, jeno rushes over to you, ditching whatever people he was with prior to watching you walk over. jeno had many friends, yes, but you were his only close one.

“you came!” you scoff in annoyance at the shock in his words, despite telling him you were going to come.

“obviously.”

he pats you on the back leading both you and giselle to the once calm and serene beach bar, now dizzy with lights as well as the reggae music. you presume julie has run off with jaehyun, your theory confirmed when you notice them by the shore, hand in hand.

“let’s get you a drink.” jeno laughs, calling over the bartender and asking for three vodka lemons. you thank him.

giselle rolls her eyes and nods her head in direction of whoever is coming onto the bar decking behind you. you turn around, fear of seeing his face again filling you.

somehow, the actaul face of who was walking in behind you, annoys you even more.

“yn??” your older brother asks.

great.

“jisung..” you smile. laugh even.

“i’m going to kill you.” his eyes find jenos in mock anger as he proceeds to jokingly ready up his fist for a punch. you laugh at their childishness.

when your laughter comes to a halt, you notice the voice of another next to you.

you look up to mark, brows furrowed. “how long have you been standing there??”

he scratches the nape of his neck, “like forever dude.” you huff and giselle laughs. “what brings you here anyways? you never come to these.”

giselle answers mark for you. “she’s bored.”

that’s one way to put it.

“well im glad you are, its nice to have a fresh face around here sometimes. jeno and jisung can be a bit much after a couple drinks.” he teases, jenos face twisting into an exaggerated expression of shock.

after getting your drinks, you all go to sit on the sand, julie and jaehyun beckoning you over. you take your seat between jeno and julie. sat like this, with all your friends, watching the fire wither away in the wind, you feel comfort. you watch as giselle fights with jisung over the remainder of her drink, threatening to push him into the fire if he takes even the slightest sip. you can’t help but smile. jeno notices your ease, nudging you on your shoulder as he talks to you, quietly.

“i’m glad you came.” he smiles. “you’re the only friend i need.”

evidently, jenos words knock a sense of confidence into you. causing you to spend the rest of the night swallowing shot after shot, even indulging in marks beer when he came over after hearing you had tried to run into the sea, wanting to see it for himself now that your brother had gone home.

“you know…w.. i havent seeeen yangyang allllll night. what a loser..hiding….fromme.” you stumble over your words, your lack of experience in drinking causing you to have little control over anything your saying.

jeno, still surprisingly by your side, shares a look of amusement with mark. “i’m going to take her home soon.” he tells him, “keep an eye on her whilst i go grab my stuff?”

mark nods and jeno walks away, causing you, in your drunken state, confusion. “nooo jenooo. don’t leave me with him.” mark tries to quieten you down to try avoid any weird looks but ultimately fails when you blab about wanting him to leave you alone.

“yn, he’ll be back soon okay. just don’t go anywhere, he’ll kill m-“

“who’ll kill you?”

you recognise that voice.

turning around, you squint in the direction the voice came from. tan skin, a mess of dusty pink hair. dusty pink hair? that’s oddly specifi-

oh.

“why do you care?” mark replies, face screwing up in confusion.

“who are you?” the voice asks again.

“you gonna keep asking questions or are you gonna tell me what you want man”

the man’s eyes drift to yours.

yangyang’s eyes drift to yours.

slowly, you try to inch backwards, your only wish for this very moment being to find jeno. “i’m gonna… i’m gonna go….” you whisper, mark looking at you, utterly oblivious to the situation.

“but-“ mark protests but he’s yet again cut off by yangyang.

“if she wants to go, let her”, unaware the he’s the problem and not mark. but you can’t explain that to mark now, you’re already making your way down the beach to find jeno, stumbling in your tracks.

you can hear mark asking around for where you’ve gone, but your mind isn’t clear enough to realise you should go back to him.

you admit defeat, sitting down by yourself. it’s comical how quickly the night shifted once you became aware of yangyangs presence, only hours ago were you basking in the company of your friends. now you sit alone.

the next morning, you find yourself on jenos floor.

jenos sitting on his bed, scrolling mindlessly through his phone until he hears you stir. “finally, you’re u- oh shit, that’s not pretty.”

it takes you a few moments to process his words, head feeling heavy and your eyes adjusting to the light of jenos room. he throws you a hoodie, nodding at you to put it on. your brows furrow in question. it’s not cold.

you look down at your dress, no, giselle’s dress, covered in a layer of bright vivid orange.

remnants of last night.

shit.

“no no no no..” you ramble, jumping to your feet to make your way to jenos bathroom, his roommate chenle, giving you a look of disgust as you bolt past him.

“you okay, yn?” jeno calls out, a mix of worry and amusement lacing his tone. this was not a time for amusement. “just change into the hoodie and i can walk you to your dorm in time for work.”

work?

your heart drops in your chest.

you were truly and utterly fucked.

the walk to your dorm resembled more to that of a sprint, jeno struggling to keep up with your pace.

“how the hell do you walk so fast.” he pants, “i literally cannot feel my legs.”

you feign sympathy at him before speeding up even more. you have to get to work this morning, you couldn’t lose the chance to uptake a lifeguard position at the beach. the pool has been anything but miserable.

after thanking jeno for his, in his terms, ‘chivalry’, you quickly rush to find your uniform. you pick up the red tankini, throwing on some shorts and a cap to keep yourself covered on your way to the beach. luckily, you find giselle asleep on her bed, throwing the dress in your laundry basket to wash when you get back. julie is nowhere to be seen, most likely having stayed round jaehyuns for the night.

brushing your teeth and drenching yourself in julie’s perfume as a desperate attempt to smell atleast a little less of puke, you bolt out the door.

it has been 10 minutes since training started.

when you get to the beach, it has been 18 minutes.

when you put your stuff in your locker and clock in, it has been 20 minutes.

the moment you get to the group in training, it has been 33.

you plead with the instructor - who’s name was johnny according to his badge reading ‘ncu senior. johnny suh’ - in hopes that he’ll let you stay.

“nope. no can do.” he doesn’t even look at you, too busy watching the 9 other lifeguards in training, swimming out to various buoys out in the water.

“but please i can stay behind after so i can-“

“i said no. it’s not in my paycheck to accommodate extra time for those who are late. if you miss the beach briefing, then you’re at the pool. it’s the same every year.” he shrugs, pulling his cap up to push his hair back before placing it back on his head. “not my problem.”

you couldn’t believe it, you were going to kill lee jeno if it was the last thing you do. you can’t even remember last night, and now its still haunting you into the next day. you cannot imagine it getting any worse.

that was until you hear a scream from one of the lifeguards in the distance.

you look over to johnny, expecting him to leap from his high-chair on the sand and run into the water, but he’s gone, chatting up some woman on the other side of the sunbeds.

a child next to you begins talking to you. no, yelling at you.

“hey! you’re a lifeguard too! help, my sisters hurt!”

the other lifeguards are too far to hear the scream. you curse johnny for not making them go by groups, and you curse yourself for not wearing a tshirt over your bright red tankini top, spelling out the words ‘lifeguard’ in bold white capitals.

after assessing the situation, you figure that you have no choice but to run into the water, swimming after the waving arm of one of the trainee lifeguards about 20 meters from the shore, a red lifeguard float from johnnys chair in your hand. unaware of if she was just out of her depth or in pain, you push the float under her arms, dragging her with you back to the sand.

she’s limping, so you attempt to hold her weight with the side of your body as you pull her from the final stretch of water and onto the sand. as you place her to sit down, she thanks you and you offer her a fresh towel from johnnys bench, asking her if she’s okay. johnny eventually comes running over at the sight of your situation.

“it’s a sprained ankle.” you tell him, “must have got her foot caught on a rock under the water.”

he nods before calling over two other trainees to take her to the first aid hut, the girls’ brother helplessly following behind her in tears.

johnny stands with you, arms crossed as he finally looks at you. “i suppose we’re a lifeguard short now.”

you try to hold back your smile, realising what this means.

“you’ll need to do the training so i’ll make one of the stronger swimmers of the lifeguard trainees today give you your induction. think yourself lucky.” and with that, he walks off. you could cry at the amount of luck you were feeling in this moment; finally something today had gone right. “well don’t just stand there, come with me.”

you quickly run after him. “right, sorry.”

johnny laughs to himself in response, but he’s quick to try and hide it. you make a note to yourself that you must somehow be on the seniors good side.

when you reach the steps to the closest lifeguard tower, johnny brings you to the desk where he hands you a form.

“sign here and here, i’ll go grab him. he should be up in 10.”

he?

all sorts of names rush through your head. you couldn’t exactly see the faces of which lifeguards were training as they were out in the water, but you weren’t friends with any of the male lifeguards from the pool.

you sit in johnnys chair, silently observing the view out onto the beach, spreading for miles and miles, white sand meets turquoise water, occupying a plethora of - mainly ncu students - but some families too. the college spreads itself on the other side, almost parallel to the stretch of the beach. you wouldn’t wish you were anywhere else.

a knock at the tower door wakes you from your daydream.

you stand up. “come in.”

expecting someone familiar to walk through the door, you’re surprised to find yourself face to face with a man you have never seen before in your entire year at the job.

although you didn’t get into beach guarding last year, everyone had to guard a pool in the winter, switching posts multiple times a day and meaning you’d met everyone in the job. but this man was entirely unknown to you. and if you were being perfectly honest, he did not have a face that you would forget easily. you had to admit, his bleached hair made you a little awestricken. you’d never seen someone suit such a bold style before.

anyhow, you don’t understand how he’s already qualified for the specialised training, general training is multiple weeks and today is the first day of the semester.

he notices your confusion, but says nothing to ease your mind.

“im jaemin. hi.” he walks past you.

past you.

it’s as if you weren’t even there. he sits down, putting his feet up on the desk.

“um… yn.” you reply with a nod. “so uh, you’re training me?”

“i think so, that johnny guy didn’t say much, said something about me being able to surf means i can swim.”

a surfer? great. so not only do you have the new guy doing your induction, but even he doesn’t know what he’s doing.

after asking him what’s first on the list that johnny handed him with the form, he takes you out onto the beach with a stopwatch and johnnys clipboard, reading off the first tick box.

“the first one is..” he says whilst scanning his eyes across the page in attempts to find the first requirement. “ah right, a swim to the 25 meter buoy in 50 seconds.”

you look at him in shock, he’s starting with the short distance one?

“are you messing with me.” you ask, “i’m doing the 25 meter first?”

“yup.” he laughs, “unless… you don’t want to be a lifeguard anymore.”

unbelievable. actually fucking unbelievable; not only is this newbie doing your induction, but now he’s threatening you. you were wrong, your day could and definitely did get worse.

throwing a middle finger in his direction up on the lifeguard chair, which earns you a laugh from him in response, you run into the water, diving once it reaches your thighs. you get flashbacks of the save you just did, imagining that the buoy infront of you is actually a person yelling for your help (morbid, but it works.) your arms ache, your legs ache, your body aches but you keep going, lapping around the buoy until you find your way back onto the shore.

you’re panting as you make your way back to jaemin, who climbs down the chair, pencil in his mouth as he tries not to fall.

he walks over to you. “43 seconds. not bad.”

not bad????

you wish you could punch him. one day you will.

“whatever, barbie.” you sneer back passively, his face contorting into an expression of shock, mouth hung wide open. but you can tell he’s trying not to let out a laugh.

you go through each tick box, continuing with the 200 meter swim and then the 200 meter beach run which, indoubtedly, makes you feel a little stupid. but you pass all the tests with ease, much to jaemins surprise.

if it wasn’t for the fact that he was new and annoyingly arrogant, you would probably have been friends with him, he seems funny enough.

as jaemin was ticking off the final box, johnny returns.

“how’d she do?” he turns to jaemin, who’s smug face tells you everything you need to know. he’s about to lie.

“i passed.” you butt in; you were on johnnys good side already, a joke about failing would have immediately ruined that. jaemin squints in your direction and you can only smile back in arrogance.

johnny pats you on the back, “good job. you guys are both done for the day, check your emails in the next few hours for your schedule.” he turns to walk away before stopping himself and turning back around, “and, thanks jaemin. i owe you one. ” he turns for real this time, back slowly shrinking as he walks up towards ncu.

“well, i better be off then.” jaemin quickly remarks, giving you little to no time to tell him a quick “bye” before he, too, is walking back to campus.

you wonder to yourself if you’ll ever see him again, and if, for some reason, you would even mind his company.

but you brush off that thought as quickly as it came.

when you get back to the dorm. giselle is waiting.

“hey yn.” she smiles.

suspicious, she never says hey when you get in.

oh.

the dress.

“look, giselle, im so sorry.. i woke up at jenos and by the time i got back it was already 10am and then i-“

“i bought you some more!” she squeals. now, you are really confused.

your brow flips in confusion, “but i ruined your dress..”

“exactly! i got some more for you.”

you actually couldn’t believe your ears, unable to think of what to say.

until you realise exactly why she’s not mad.

because its an excuse for her to buy you dresses. dresses to go to parties wearing; parties that you will NOT be partaking in.

“oh i don’t think so.” you shake your head, giselle running up to you excitedly. “i’ve barely even recovered from last night, and today wasn't exactly relaxing either.”

“oh come on yn, it’s not gonna a big one like last night, we’re just going round jaehyuns frat for a few hours. you don’t have to drink!”

it sounds appealing, it really does. despite the fact that you can’t remember much about last night, you do remember enjoying yourself. but the idea of spending hours if not the entire rest of the night socialising after swimming and running down a beach all day in the sun, removed any sort of energy you had remaining.

“please yn, just one night.” she’s nearly sobbing at this point.

after multiple attempts at begging you to go throughout the evening, giselle and julie finally convince you to come. if anything just to reduce their insistent pressure on you to change your mind. it got so bad to the point where, as you were trying to make your dinner, giselle kept turning the oven off whenever you weren’t looking. you nearly slapped her out of irritation.

giselle gives you one of the dresses to wear, and the three of you make your way to the frat that jaehyun was in.

you aren’t familiar with many of jaehyuns friends, let alone any of them in his frat, so you were relying on both the girls, and jeno, being jaehyuns cousin, to keep you company.

as you arrive, you’re shocked to discover how loud the music blares from the outside, booming along the sand which surrounds the path that stretches to the front of the house.

jeno greets you at the door. nodding at both giselle and julie in acknowledgment, his face yet again contorts into shock when he notices you with them.

“why didn’t you tell me you were coming!” he yells over the music, leaning into you so you can hear him.

you follow him deeper into the crowd of people. ‘it’s not a big one like last night’ my ass. if anything, there was more people.

“i didn’t even know i was coming myself until an hour ago.” you reply, jeno squeezing your arm in response to let you know you’re safe.

“well you can rest assured that yangyang isn't here tonight. he won’t try and confront you again.”

what?

oh.

you remember now.

you remember everything: trying to run into the ocean, yangyang coming up to you with a clueless mark by your side, walking off alone.. jeno must have found you after that.

“oh shit, i totally forgot that even happened.” you laugh, jenos face responding with a look of concern.

“really? you were that drunk?”

“i guess so.” you laugh again, even though deep down, you’re panicking. “did you fill mark in? i feel bad he didn’t know who yangyang was and i sort of just ran away.”

jeno, for some reason, finds this hilarious, hanging his head back as he tries not to spill his drink from laughing too much. “yes,” he slows his laughter but it’s still continuing as he talks. “he got so worried thinking that you hated him.”

“oh my god…” you’re embarrassed to say the least, but atleast jeno had explained to him who yangyang was.

you look around for giselle, wondering where she’d ran off too before jeno snaps you out of it. “i think she went off with chenle.” chenle? you’re not one to judge when it comes to your bestfriends taste in men, but you’ve heard giselle talk about how much she hates that man, so you can only say you’re surprised. but you brush it off.

leaving yours and jenos own little bubble, you continue to look around the room, the lack of familiar faces causing you to feel a little uneasy. you see julie and jaehyun in the corner, like usual, but you don’t want to interfere with whatever they seem to be doing. jeno can tell you feel uncomfortable, taking your arm and leading you to another area of the house, still packed with people.

“i want you to meet someone.” he says. you can tell he’s been thinking about introducing you to this mysterious someone ever since you started talking, his mind seemingly a little less focused than usual.

but when you realise who the someone is that he is referring to, you start to wish that you had just listened to your gut and stayed at home.

“this is yn.” jeno starts, pointing at you, unmoving in your stance.

“hi.” the someone replies

his hand goes out to shake yours.

“i’m jaemin.”

you want to sink into the floor and never come back to reality.

your mind whirls with confusion and horror as you look at the person infront of you, no longer in his white tank and red shorts, hair no longer a blond mess of sand and sea salt, his hand extended towards you and a knowing smirk cascading across his lips.

he was having so much fun.

“ouch,” he sucks in a breath, feigning pain, “haven’t even known you 30 seconds and already been rejected.” he says, the irony in his words making you want to run out of the party and go back home. he’s pretending not to know you.

you turn to jeno, hoping he would see your distaste in his friend, but he’s laughing.

the one person you would hope to be of comfort to you. and he’s laughing.

you give in, shaking his hand and faking a smile which you know he picks up on. “nice to meet you.” you say. words feeling sour and dry in your mouth.

his grin widens.

jeno pats his hand on both your backs. “jaemin’s just moved here from LA, i went to school with him before he left.”

so that’s the mysterious best friend from jenos childhood, the bestfriend who jeno constantly speaks about, wishing he could meet him again. and here he is, the very same man who has taunted your mind since you left the beach earlier today.

“LA?” you give him a look of shock, this time a real one. no wonder you hadn’t seen his face before, he was in an entirely different country. “i’m guessing you got your lifeguard qualification over there then.” you ask out of both genuine curiosity and stupidity; revealing to jeno that you’d met him at the lifeguard training earlier today.

jeno looks surprised, turning to jaemin. “you didn’t tell me you were applying to that.”

jaemin shrugs. “might as well, need the money.”

“yeah especially after you spent it all on-“ jenos words are interrupted, jaemin holding a hand over his mouth to shut him up and leading them both into a fit of laughter.

you stay stood there, unsure of what to do but to look at your feet. you would never believe you could feel left out in jeno’s presence, he always made sure you were okay.

but he isn’t right now.

jeno and jaemin are still laughing about something you don’t understand and you consider turning around and trying to find julie. but you figure you would rather third wheel two old bestfriends than a overly-affectionate couple, so you stay.

“…and then she told me she faked the entire thing!” jaemin says, jeno laughing and slapping the former on the shoulder repeatedly as they both share memories and jokes that you don’t feel you should be part of.

you feel awkward.

“i’m gonna go.” you say, too quiet for either of them to understand but loud enough for them to hear you.

“what?” it’s jeno that leans down to hear what you have to say, but jaemin speaks up before you can repeat yourself.

“she wants to leave.” he says to jeno.

he didn’t hear what you had said, but considering he’s been watching you in his peripheral for the past 5 minutes, he figures from your awkwardness you wouldn’t want to stay much longer.

jeno raises an eyebrow at jaemins words. “but why?” he asks you. you don’t want to have to explain to him that you feel left out, so you tell him you’re not feeling too well.

walking you to the door, jaemin behind you, jeno holds your shoulders before fixing a stray hair at the top of your head. “are you sure you’re okay to walk home by yourself?”

you nod but he doesn’t believe you, you’ve never liked walking in the dark.

“yo jeno.” jaehyun calls to him from the living room, “someone called big papi ‘pink heart emoji, winking emoji’ is calling you!”

jeno rolls his eyes before yelling, “DON’T ANSWER THAT ITS HAECHAN.” panicking, he asks jaemin to make sure you get home safely before running off in jaehyuns direction.

you begin walking through the door and out to the porch, there is no way in hell you were about to let jaemin walk you home. you know jeno has had a few drinks, but he must really trust jaemin if he can run off and leave you with him.

but that doesn’t mean you have to.

after walking for around 30 seconds, you feel a presence behind you. turning, you see jaemin trailing behind you, falling beside you once you slow down to face him.

“what?” he asks, “jeno asked me to, i can’t just leave you.”

you roll your eyes. “i’m fine to walk by myself, just have a headache, that’s all.”

“so it has nothing to do with you standing in that party desperate to leave the moment you saw me.”

his words render you speechless. not because anything he had said shocked you, but because he’s completely and utterly right.

he continues. “you and jeno seem close.”

“he’s my bestfriend.” you say, and he looks at you from the corner of his eye.

“have you guys ever…” he’s smirking and it takes you a few moments to realise what he’s implying.

“no! god, no, absolutely not!” you retort, and he laughs.

“i met with him the day after i came back, would not shut up about you. would never have guessed the rude girl i had to induct at the beach was the girl he spoke so sweetly about.”

you were taken aback, not only did he just straight up insult you, but him bringing up jeno made a part of your chest sting. jeno had met with him days ago and hadn’t told you about him until today?

jeno never hid anything from you, and it makes you wonder why he had held off telling you about jaemin.

jaemin isn’t alarmed by your silence, only continuing to talk to you. but the next question he asks you pulls you from your thoughts.

“you don’t like me, do you?”

you look up at him, unsure of what to say, attempting not to fall over your feet as you try to match his walking pace.

“ive only just met you.” you respond.

“and yet you don’t like me. i’m not an idiot, yn, i see the way you look at everyone else compared to the way you look at me.”

you feel caught. in all honesty, you haven’t thought about it. you haven’t known jaemin long enough to form an opinion on him. but after tonight, you fear that he may be right.

you hate the fact that jaemin can read you so well. ever since you arrived at the party, he’s been able to pick up every little part of you that seems even the tiniest bit out of place and you hate it. you’ve never felt this seen.

“i don’t hate you.” you tell jaemin and he sighs. he smiles in annoyance, tongue poking the inside of his cheek in attempt to stop himself from saying something he’d regret.

“but you don’t like me.” he instead replies.

“i don’t know you.”

you’re starting to get a little angry, going round and round in circles. but his reaction to your words differ from yours.

“so get to know me then.”

this time, you stop walking.

when he notices that you’ve stopped, he asks you again. “get to know me.”

your eyes, originally dropped to the floor, look up to his and you sigh. “i don’t think im going to have a choice.”

his head cocks to the side and you remind him of jeno and his crippling party addiction, jaemin laughs.

as you begin to walk again, you wonder why you have these feelings of hate towards a man you met today but nothing rational in your mind confirms it.

when you get to the outside of your dorm building, you turn to jaemin. “thank you for walking me back.”

“get some sleep.” he nods to you as you give him a small smile, his hands in his pockets. “and yn,” you turn quickly to face him, “for the record, i don’t like you either.” he pauses. “goodnight.”

what a way to end your night.

(a/n: tysm for reading the first part!! i’ve had so much fun writing this and i appreciate every single one of you who interact with and enjoy the stuff i write as much as i enjoy writing it. part two will be out soon ♡)

other works

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[miawastaken]

Sir?

synopsis : boss!Grayson x secretary!reader

Reader's last name is mentioned for my brain's sake (its 2 am I need sleep)

tw: none

【🎱　🪐　🎸】

ty @lyrakanefanatic / @lyrakanefanaticwriting for the idea

Most kids get jobs working at an ice-cream parlour or walking dogs over the summer.

Me?

I was interning at The Hawthorne Foundation. For a Draco Malfoy knock-off we call Grayson Hawthorne.

I thought, going into the job that I wouldn't come out alive.

And to my surprise I was wrong.

Grayson Hawthorne.

The second Hawthorne brother, heir apparent, and second oldest grandson to Tobais Hawthorne.

He wasn't exactly meant to be the friendliest person, but you'd think being his secretary I'd know the truth huh?

Wrong.

The bastard barley ever spoke to me.

In all fairness I'd been told to keep my head down and mind my business. Because how could an 18-year-old girl look Grayson Hawthorne in the eye?

【🎱　🪐　🎸】

I walk into work and I see a blur of a person standing in front of my desk.

He's tall, he's wearing a suit, he's blonde, he's-

"Grayson Hawthorne?"

He's staring at me now. Its like I'm on trial for something.

"Ah, Ms. Caddel!"

"Can I help you... sir?"

"Yes, Mr. Rabbit seems to be out of office today, I'm the only one working on this floor and no one, including Oren has the keys."

"Well I'll have to apologise sir but I'm afraid I don't have them either." I apologise.

He looks once at the door and then back at me.

"Well, no matter, I'm sure the 3rd floor has a master key, I'll find it."

"Oh I can do that for you sir-" I offer.

"No, no, it's no trouble, and please call me Grayson."

"Ok uhm... Grayson, are you sure it's no bother?"

"Yes quite, thank you,"

He turns around towards the elevators and turns back last minute.

"Nice pants."

My eyebrows shot up.

"Thank you, sir."

"Grayson!" He calls back.

"Grayson." I murrmer.

【🎱　🪐　🎸】

I hear footsteps down the hall and see someone approaching.

"Ms. Caddel?"

"Yes, sir?" I ask upon realising it was Grayson.

"What're you doing in office this late?"

"I could ask the same, sir."

The corner of his mouth twitches and he says:

"Finances don't manage themselves. You?"

"Uni tuition doesn't pay itself."

He raises a brow. "You're a student?" He asks.

"Yes, well, I've gotten into NYU but I was offered this job for the summer and I wasn't about to pass up money I desperately need."

"What about your parents? Can't they help?" He asks.

"Sir please dont take this the wrong way but not all of us have families that could buy the Empire State Building."

He shrugs. "Fair enough."

There's a moment of silence before he speaks again.

"May I walk you to your car?"

I nearly laugh.

"I don't have one."

"How do you get around then?"

"I either walk, take the subway or taxi."

He seems to be appalled by the idea of me going home by any of those means of transport at 11 pm at night.

"I'll drive you home." He offers.

"Sir I-"

"Wasn't a suggestion sweetheart, come on."

【🎱　🪐　🎸】

"So what're you studying at NYU?" He asks.

"Political Science and Philosophy."

He seems taken aback.

"Really?"

"Mm-hmm,"

"They're both very tough subjects."

"Really? Didn't notice." I reply.

He smiles at that as he pulls up next to my apartment.

"Well, this is me." I smile at him. "Thank you sir."

"It's Grayson, sweetheart."

"Grayson... thank you Grayson."

【🎱　🪐　🎸】

Thanks for reading, feel free to give me feedback! <33

[feralcorpses]

Féachann Siad AU pt.2

Aus Masterpost. - Exlpains the au.

Previous Part - Pt.1.

TW: Blood(only in writing area), and eyestrain.

"Fine deal." Xisuma was clearly unsure about his choice but something echoed in his brain begging him to accept. The watcher stood up almost like the watcher was surprised with this decision, Xisuma ignored this, he didn’t want to think about this too much. "Well, where do I put this blood" X could only imagine what the watcher was going to use his blood for. A glas vial was thrown to him "just use that, you dont need to fill it all the way either." X proceeds to make a small slice on his finger with a small dagger he likes to keep with him incase something happens to his beloved axe.

He carefully positions his finger above the vial watching the stream of blood flow into the vial. X mustered up some sort of courage and asked "ehm, soooo what are you planning to do with this, are you watchers like vampires or somethi-" "no, it’s so I can open the portal to your universe." X was confused by this, it made no sense at all. "My uni- what?" "Ugh, basically I need your blood so I can open a portal to where you’re from." "Ohhh, why’d you say it so ominously then" the watcher was clearly sick of him now and stopped speaking.

The blood had stopped now so X put the cork back in the vial and handed it to the watcher very quickly not wanting to be near it. The watcher stayed silent with a transparent purple command centre showing up, it almost felt like X had entered a sci-fi cyberpunk book he would’ve read when he was a teen. A gust of wind passed him he looked up and saw a portal “well, are you leaving or not” the watcher was clearly agitated and wanted him out. “Ye sorry, thanks a lot tho” X slightly dipped his head down he read somewhere that watchers do that as a sign of respect. The watcher was silent again so Xisuma quickly went through the portal not wanting to be at the hands of whatever cruel way that watcher would kill him. When Xisuma popped out on the other side the portal disappeared and realised there was still some blood left in the vial, he tried to not worry about it though. Xisuma was wondering why the watcher was so ominous with this deal that was barely a deal, did X just agree to something more significant than he thought again he just ignored it.

Surprisingly the watcher didn’t trick him, although he didn’t recognize the area at all tho. He knew it was some sort of coastal area, due to the overwhelming spell of seaweed. X kneeled down taking off his satchel to see if he had anything of use and of course he didn’t that was just Xisumas luck he never had things when he truly needed them. He stood up and hopelessly looked around lightly holding the necklace Grian gave him. He misses his team a lot, it was just him, Keralis, Grian, Scar, Doc, Gem, Sausage, Fwhip and Pearl, but they’re all still lost for around 5 years now, which is kinda mind boggling considering their teams size.

Xisuma stopped reminiscing now and pulled his axe out and started to hack down all the plants in his way. He could hear rustling around him but chose to ignore it thinking it was a group of small animals. Xisuma’s overthinking and thoughts started to take over. His brain was cycling through so many things, "What about this- Why’d I do that- I miss the- What if I did thi-“ It just became muttering now and he was even muttering some of it out loud. “I could’ve- I want to hel- I’m s-“

!?

(Click for better quality!!)

"Can you two stop arguing about nothing, that admin is awake." X couldn’t make out anyone’s voice nor could he tell where he was, so he just sat there at least trying to listen. “Your the one who knocked him out, not us” “ye cause I thought he was a threat.” Xisuma started to get some sense back and muttered out a mix of who are you and where am I, it was clearly not said well but understood at least. “Sorry about them, I’m Jimmy and the other two are Tango and Scott and your currently in the bottom deck of our ship.”

“Huh- DID YOU KIDNAP ME-” X had no idea why this only clicked in his head now, honestly made sense why he got kidnapped admins have a high skill set and in general are hunted for said skills a lot. He could hear muttering from the three, a slightly annoyed sassy voice said “well yeah, Jimmy thought you were a threat and then we figured out your an admin, so now it’s really just deciding what to do with you.” More muttering came about, again the voice was different more excited oddly enough “howww aboutt a deal?” Xisuma was quite sick of deals by now.

Xisuma attempted to look in there direction not exactly the easiest tho when you have no eyes. “I’ll take that as a please continue, you help us fix some code and a few other technical things and your free to go~?” Xisuma sighed he really wants too know why everyone wants to make goddam deals with him.

Likes and reblogs are appreciated!

[wewontdieunbloomed]

this is part two of unlearning the bad things i unconsciously learnt from last year.

part one was the negative default pessimism i fall in to, which i keep calling it me being emo which means i dwell in my “misery” for far too long, instead of trying to think of something positive to get myself moving out of the bad zone i am in. as we are often told, sadness and negativity gets comforting, it feels like you are protecting yourself. but one cannot see beauty in life and find joy for oneself if one does not make oneself vulnerable.

and so making myself vulnerable is what ive been doing. trying to romanticise this state that im in, a liminal space, at crossroads. its not the most ideal, too many things are unknown and for the first time in my life im dealing with having barely any structure to my days, with nothing to do yet so much i should do.

it took me quite a while to stop lamenting this unknown and start returning to the foundations i built this blog and my entire philosophy off, the whole concept of “lest we die unbloomed” of making sure i dont realise one day ive wasted my time. and in small parts i like to think ive made progress on that

the focus now is the second part. i lost a lot of my attention span and impulse control, and today i reached a horrible point where i am sitting on the kitchen floor at 9 with no dinner, having ruined my microwave dinner out of a lack of common sense. i am not sure if all this recent muddling is because of covid brain fog or the horrifying amount of screen time i have had recently, but i was so sick of it. i have done a lot of things on impulse recently, and though today i had a really fulfilling day spending time with people i havent in a long time, when i got home and im back to reality of the things i havent done and been procrastinating for too long on, i felt horrible. this need to change, i realised.

so this is part two. it calls back to one of the values i set as something important to myself, being honest with myself. i know what im doing now is not working. i know that even though i use my planner im not sticking to it. i know my todo lists are not helping me. then why do i stubbornly stick to methods i know dont work? i told myself a year ago i would not change my system if it doesnt need to be changed. i have forgotten that i need to change it when it does. how silly! so im changing.

so in the last 2 hours in order to get myself up ive written todo lists on paper instead of in my journal. used a timer for every single step from shower to sweeping the floor to brushing my teeth. enough lazing around and letting simple things occupy too much time. its a parkinsons law thing.

enough doomscrolling and opening instagram when i have nothing to do. im setting a limit for a block of time in the day where i am not allowed to use social media, pwrhaps not any internet at all. i need to make drastic change, even if it seems inconsequential. it might not be academic but its personal. and my personal life and what i want to do with my time is worth taking big measures for, because it should be more important than all that revision for exams i used to do.

so the point f this ramble is to clear things out with myself. make some sense of whats goijg on. have a direction. tomorrow i have an interview. ill come home and do the chores i have to. prepare for my afternoon activity. go for lunch and my afternoon appointment. go for a run. buy dinner. write my applications. research on uni stuff. read a book. and all the other tint things i need to give more importance to even though they seem inconsequential. it sa new mantra ive gotten into ever since part one of this. that “this is the way” this is the new way. enough lazing. its time to go hard and be rurhless. take things up a notch because when else can i do it? go big from experiences to measures i have to take to discipline myself. this is the way.

04.04.2023

[what-if-doctor-who-was-yuri]

💭 ⛪️✨️

For ask game!

💭 Some character headcanons

ok so rufus is like 100% gay like ik hes mlm thats canon bc vincent but i dont think his sexuality is ever mentioned lmaoo so like + he would be a fan of like dua lipa n shit but like hide it so much and act like he listens to acdc and like clive is the only one who doesnt realise his music taste tbh

farah is defos like omni/pan romantic and greysexual + she defos checked ao3 n tumblr to see if there was rpf about her. she definitley wasnt going to read it. why do u ask

gary is transfem bc i said so rn (im bsing these hcs on the spot based on vibes ima be real) and defos experimented w dudes in like pallamistus equivelent to collage/uni and still fucks em sometimes so hes like hetroromantic/bisexual w preference for women also he learnt how to make coloured metal and then made pride flag swords (i dont think pallamistus would have many pride flags but i think there would maybe be a rainbow pride one + jason showed ppl pride flags from earth and started making it a bit of a thing by accident

⛪ Favorite deity

knowledge or healer r my faves bc like knowledge as a deity their domain speaks to me like yesssss facts n shit and then healer as a fuckin person is so cool like they use i belive its he/they or he/it since jason refers to them w they/them or it/its at some point idk which but like i just find em v v interesting i love em also death is such a cool goddess bc like theyre not a bad deity like other similar ones like pain and trickery n stuff which i just like symbolically like "death is not unnatural it is a force of good just like life"

i do have a bit of beef w the whole evil gods being purged out bc like mortals doing that like sure ig (but also like yall r piss scared of a god but u wanna kill em and yall have the balls to do that damn) but like the fact that ALL OTHER GODS ACTIVLEY HUNT THEM is a bit like why? yall r litteralyl forces of nature personified why are these ones bad dumbass why is pain exterminated why is trickery frowned upon WHY IS DISGUISE A BAD GOD????? and then FUCKING PURITY WHO IS TRYING TO DESTORY THE WHOLE WORLD TO BE TAKEN OVER JUST IS NEVER FLAGGED AS AN EVIL GOD??? like yes the gods know its decipt and cant say shit but like surley theres a god who that is within their purview to speak about??? like truth or some shit can reveal lies or smthn

damn thats another rant abt some worldbuildy thinks (im working up the post rn idk y)

✨ Coolest power (essence or otherwise)

ok so i think skill books r super super cool and also masivley underused like wdym theres fucking skill books and noone uses them like sure u need a whole new power to use em but like just make a ritual like cmon theres prolly a ritual for every cool ass essence ability and like jasons power that absorbs essences n awakening stones also gives him the skill book one like they r absolutley linked JUST FUCKIN RITUAL THIS SHIT UP

FREE KNOWLEDGE

HOW HAS NOONE MADE A RITUAL FOR THIS YET

oh also on the topic: knowledge prolly has a shit ton of skill books on like everything why dont they make skill books for basic skills like reading and writing and simple maths and do free rituals for kids to bypass the whole years long education system that fucks up kids mental states later on (the mental health but is more high school but still) like yes theres prolly a min age like essences n shit but like. just wait?? cmon its like fifteen years CMON oh also speaking of the min age is that like a last minute puberty thing or is it like a second magic puberty also surley it would be like "ur defos gettin fucked up" -> "prolly gettin fucked up" -> "maybe gettin fucked up" -> "no fuckedupedness now :3" (like normal)

soz that last one was a worldbuilding rant abt skill books goddamn i didnt know i had that in me wow

[wulvert]

SQUINTS AT MY DRAFTS SWEATING AFTER READING UR PARAGRAPH AND REALISES IVE MADE SCARLET WORSE its fine though she can be extra deranged as a treat. she deserves it. also the "wants to leave town" part makes me feel so validated in one of my song choices in the paperteeth playlist. (this one if anyones curious https://youtu.be/MPwzFs1BiSw)

I DID GET THE "PAPERTEETH CAST ARE ALL FRIENDS HEHE" PART DOWN THOUGH!! i write them like.

[KELLY TAKING A PHOTO OF HIM AND THE ENSEMBLE] "SELFIE WITH THE BESTIES!!" [SCARLET, AVERY, AND TRISHA'S EYES ALL GLOWING LA CREATURA LIKE HOW CATS EYES DO WITH FLASH ON (example below) WHILE KELLY IS CASUALLY JUST PEACE SIGNING IN THE MIDDLE SMILING]

i love trisha nd kelly nd avery nd scarlet so much. im so weak for the "found family"(?) trope where everyones messed up in their own ways but they have each other in the end. im also very interested in what trisha and kelly are like (their flavor of. trauma?) but that. maybe might be TOO spoilery for u to answer,,,

SCARLET CAN HAVE AN UNDERCUT IF I BELIEVE HARD ENOUGH!! tht reminds me. how does scarlet dye her hair so fast,,,i came up with the goofy headcanon all the dye she uses is like. that temporary party hair dye nd she just drenches her hair in water and its all Gone in Seconds. nd then repeat waskwkdwkdakd

miscellaneous questions!!

-did scarlet/avery/trisha/kelly all go to college at some point? not the. same one obviously. vampire hunting doesnt seem like something u need a degree for but i have a silly headcanon explanation in my head 4 my fanfiction for how kelly knows avery thats just. "avery and kelly were randomly assigned roommates in college and avery could NOT get rid of him"

-do scarlet/avery have prior relationship experience or r they both just two absolutely clueless disasters trying their best

-whatre everyones family's like!! we know a little about avery's entire family being like. #KILLVAMPIRESFOREVER #ONTHATGRIND🔥 but im curious about more like. in depth i guess?? was averys family. Good? ive been writing her like they. weren't but then i realized i actually have no idea how her family treated her. sory this turned into avery its still a general all-character question!! i m just. very normal about her. this question could be very spoilery so pls feel free 2 avoid answering!!!

NOOO its fine she can be worse! i think her avery tolerance qualifies her 4 it. reading back my paragraph i dont think i quite got across how like... abnormal she is

YEAH so trishas trauma flavour is she cannot feel emotions strongly without turning into a giant murderous wolf- kelly hes chillin. hes achieved his goals. happy little guy. insults slide off of him, he has a positive mental attitude.

oh man dw scarlet actuslly wears wigs, she styles them herself its vry impressive 2 avery who cuts her own hair and has never had it turn out even. i dont think even scarlet could cut and dye her hair that fast even with all her free time to practice- & her hair wouldve been fried by now even with the carefullest bleach sesh.

Trisha graduated highschool- kelly & scarlet went to uni (seperately) and avery dropped out of highschool as soon as she turned 16, 2 become a vampire hunter- you only need a license to do it as a hobby but u can also be employed as one which avery scarlet kelly are, trisha is unemployed. avery joined the lumber co at the same time kelly did- avery has to kind of make sure. he doesnt die. he did stick to her but avery eventually did start 2 appreciate his friendship. avery, despite everything is like insanely good at killing vampires, kelly joined on a whim and sucks. scarlet joined bc it pays pretty well, but she was pretty averagely skilled at it.

do avery/scarlet have previous relationship experience is a good question i absolutely cannot decide at all- i rly go back and forth on how pathetic either of them were before becoming vampires. sometimes i think scarlets probs had a few relationships b4, and for avery its like. shes shy. she would only date someone if they confessed first. and so would scarlet. which is an issue. either way for scarlet she hasnt been in a relationship for years and avery is avery.

no for sure averys family sucks, she has 11 brothers, shes the youngest child, they were all raised to be vampire hunters, the only one who didnt turn out to be one is estranged. they would absolutely kill her if they found out and would fight abt who gets to be the one to do it. avery is actually pretty close with the estranged brother though. they do get together at like, christmas but outside of that they dont rly talk much as a family

Scarlets family is nice i made a post abt them before, she knows they would still love her despite the vampire thing but shes too embarassed and scared 2 tell them, so shes distanced herself from them as well, they worry a lot.

kelly im ngl he just spawned into existence. i imagine his family r like clones of him

trishas family is a whole thing, her dad is avscrletkellys boss so theres that

did i miss anything? i usually wait to answer things ik r gonna be long on a computer but im on my phone and i wanted to talk abt my creatures right now

also this made me realise averys been a vampire hunter for 10 years which like obvs 16-26 is 10 but i cant do maths.( shes been 1 for the longest out of the three)

[rrxnjun]

ok. i was gonna reply to ur comment but it got a bit too long of a rant HAHAHHA sorry😭

but girl i will never stop raving about ur fics istg like something about the way you write and your characters always seem to hit home for me like i always seem to connect with your characters. you make their emotions and the scenarios they're in so vivid and raw and IBFIWRFO i eat it up😭😭😭

i never used to like reading angst but you execute it so well that i'll literally love it when you do it (e.g. fics like two people, when nobody's watching, potential) IDK MAN it physically hurts my heart I FEEL THE EMOTIONS OF THE CHARACTERS MAN IDK

when nobody's watching: when the reader's looking at renjun thru the years from her perspective when the reader wants to reach out, I WANT TO REACH OUT LIKESJFGOWRG WHEN RENJUN SMASHES THE BOTTLE AT THE PARTY YK????

two people: the way you describe jeno and y/n's suffocating one way relationship, I UNDERSTAND THE READER!!! jeno is perfect, he tries to fix the relationship but IT JUST DOESNT WORK THAT WAY the relationship was way over before he tried to fix it and ITS SO REAL!!!! the inner turmoil the reader went thru and the slow changing feels for mark WAS JUST- UGH *chefs kiss

potential: man. where do i even start with this fic. it's a storyline that i never knew i needed to read in my life. like bar u don't understand, potential had me in despair for the next 4 days. i can understand chenle's pain, y/n's confusion, their complicated love for each other. i don't think words can describe how special this story is to me.

this.... became a lot longer than i anticipated and IM SORRY FOR RAMBLING ON ABOUT THE SAME THREE FICS OVER AND OVER OSBFOWRGO but seriously tho, i genuinely love everything you put out, keep up the hard work💗

(i think this is the longest ask i've ever sent lol)

i treat writing as my therapy session so maybe thats why the characters are always so raw- NO but omg this is such an honor bc i really focus more on the characters than the plot i think and i really try to develop them really well and stuff and i focus a lot on the feelings and emotions so >:((( i am so happy that you like that about my writing !!!

the paradox is that i HATE reading angst. like if its in a long fic where its mixed up i dont mind and i think its important to have angstier parts in a long fic too but if its a drabble and its angsty i just won't read it LMAOOO

when nobody's watching was such a spontaneous fic istg i wrote it in what. two days? at uni LMAO. i got the idea when i was like,, watching this guy from afar and then i realised i ALWAYS DO THIS like i always have those silly crushes on ppl and never tell them bc im scared but i care so deeply for ppl that dont even know i exist 😭😭😭 but also i find that i used to change myself a lot to fit into social circles and even tho uni was really lonely for me at first that i kinda let go of that the same way renjun did so it was definitely cathartic to write :,)

honestly to this day idk how i even managed to write two people. like i think its the only fic i have thats about adult mature ppl LMAO all my other fics are like college aus and shit. like where did all of that pain and angst even come from ???? but i am so glad u liked it, i didnt expect ppl to enjoy that kind of fic >:((

DONT EVEN GET ME STARTED ON POTENTIAL why are my best fics always the most spontaneous. its literally like in my top 5 fav fics ive ever written so i am insanely happy that you like it sm !!! <33 chenle's character in this fic is insanely personal to me also :,) the readers and his dynamic is also one of my favs ive ever written,, idk idk theres just something about this fic...

i am really honored to recieve this in my inbox its so sweet of you and i definitely appreciate it a LOT hope you dont mind me rambling about the fics i just enjoy talking about my writing :,)

[theunaestheticstudyblr]

hello!! i really love your blog, it's calming, motivating and VERY helpful and mostly: relatable. i realised we do share some similar study habits and i wanted to drop by to say smth. [long passage incoming !] ive just started my first uni year, and it's going fine so far. despite the sudden change to busy schedules, im able to live through it and change my routines according to my new life. there's this thing, i am very very active on texting apps and i tend to reply to doubts/questions fast. i dont know if it's that but people really do love coming to me for any queries related to assignments/syllabus. which i appreciate a lot because i like seeing people see me as a helper and seek for me. and me being me, i sometimes turn down my work to explain others because i dont wanna leave people unattended and waiting. until it gets too much and i feel socially tired. i somehow manage to avoid the neccessity to be available to everyone to have my own time but im not able to do so without feeling guilty. is there any way i can assure myself that i dont need to be available 247 and answer everything asap. even though i love helping anyone who come to me, i still feel like i should have my own time to actually do my work/have my time. thank you for reading thiss <3 hope you had a good day!!

Awwww I appreciate the lovely message! Thank you! And yes there is something you can do! I used to be EXACTLY like that. Anytime I had a notification I had to check it and respond IMMEDIATELY. It was really bad and my OCD latched onto it too.

What I had to do was slowly increase the time I spent not responding. I started out waiting 5 minutes. Agony. Once I was ok with that, I increased to 10, 12, 15, so on. It took me a while, but I realized that for the most part, people are ok with a late response. I used to supplement the time spent absent with an apology, but I know I don't mind when someone doesn't respond to me right away and most people are the same. Now, I can keep my phone away from me for an hour unchecked and not feel guilty.

It takes time and it's hard, but over time, you'll be able to do it. Just go baby steps. No big leaps or anything. And you're gonna feel guilty and apologize and that's ok! But your worth is not tied up in your availability to help people at all.

[verdantmoontruther]

i need 2 get something off my chest nothing serious but anyways im just bursting to speak it into reality

the first person i mentioned this to was one of my flatmates from last year. the second was my mum, and whoever is reading this now will be the third.

im homesick. im so homesick it feels like a physical illness. ive realised that there’s a very big chance i owe a big part of my mental health issues to homesickness. when i was 16 i thought the town i lived in was just too small, then i was 18 and london (london!!!) still wasnt enough, and now im 19 and ive realised that i am just. so. homesick.

i moved to the uk when i was 10 and since then i havent been back to the us. im not originally from there, either, but i consider myself a new englander. i grew up in boston. i miss it... so much. its so fucking stupid like its obviously all rose-tinted memories from when i was a child but i cant live in england anymore when in the back of my mind there is a place that is just so much better.

sometimes ill walk around london and ill find the parts of old england that new england must have been modelled after; red brick townhouses, sunlight filtering through golden leaves, wide roads. but then i turn a corner and its so grey, so english that it honestly feels like a stab wound, like it physically aches.

i have two more years left of uni, but ill be real i think once i finish my bachelors i will go back home. whether its for work or for school i dont know, i havent fully decided yet, but its something that my heart is tentatively set on. my flatmate told me to do it (she said she gets it, and she does, she moved here when she was 10 too), and my mom told me to do it (i think she gets it too, she fell into a two-year depression when we moved away), but its such a monumental step for me to take, alone, at the ripe old age of 21, that i dont know if i can do it.

i want to, though, desperately. i feel like im sort of floating lawlessly, surviving day by day without truly enjoying anything, and every single bad emotion traces back to where i live. i hate looking out the window and seeing semi-detached houses. i hate the sad, small boroughs. i hate football and i hate football fans. i hate england.

i dont know. the saddest thing is that, if i do move, because i hate this place so much, i dont think ill even miss any of my friends. ill forget about them and i wont even care. it makes me feel like an awful awful person, that im not thinking about them or factoring them into my plans, but its also, like, theyre my plans? its my life? if i stay here, i will fall apart? dont keep me here??? idk

[dumbbitchfrommars]

friends talk to friends

i feel like im out of alignment because im chasing rather than attracting

i dont know what i want or what im looking for so the universe is just giving me things at random and i dont actually want any of it

i am completely lost and dont know what im doing with my life

i dont know if i should go back to uni and do a phd, go to beauty school and commit to makeup or find something else and completely restart my life

i feel like im sinking again. my mind isnt a really safe place, try as might to be a safe person for everyone else. for me, im barely afloat.

my confidence is low because i dont trust myself. i feel out of balance because i look to everyone else for guidance instead of myself, because i dont trust myself. but when i try to do things for myself, i convince myself im doing it wrong. or its just not as... good. because its me. i feel singled out all the time because im too sensitive.

i dont trust anyone. i feel like everyone is so flawed, and while i appreciate that its normal, so many people in my life can hurt me. and i want to get them out - but then id be left with no one. so i feel stuck... because i want to level up, but im too scared to be alone.

maybe being alone is what i need? what is the path of least resistance? cause right now it feels like im chasing and chasing and obsessing over things that i want. so much that theyll never become a reality because of my mindset.

i just for once, for one second, want to turn off the constant overanalysing of everything. i just want to move forward. i want to grow. im not growing. i feel like im falling behind. i feel like im so fucking far behind. how can that be fair, when all ive done is work and work and work to get ahead? how can it be that after all this work, all the fighting and fighting - i end up so far behind? what? because i was fighting against toxic people that kept me in the same place for all that time? not realising that there were other people in the world just going full steam ahead - because they had people who were genuine and supporting them and mutually growing together with them. but instead i was stuck trying to grow when i was being constantly shoved into a tiny box in the corner of the room. i finally got out and everyones grown so big they take up the whole room already. and im still trying to stretch my legs. im still finding my way...

im sinking.

i feel like theres one person who could make me feel better, but in reality he couldnt. only i could. but i cant. i feel like i cant... i can. im the only one who can. but i have been so mean to myself lately. i feel so insecure, because ive fallen victim to believing the way other people treat me is a reflection of me. but its not. its them. and i deserve to feel good about myself. especially because of the way they treated me. because when i feel depressed, they win. my happiness is my rebellion. my happiness is me winning. i cant let them see me crack. but here i am at home... sinking a little. but i know exactly what will make me feel better. and thats flying.

tomorrow i will go for my first run. well, hike. but i want to run again. i felt high. i was tripping. i was alive. i was happy. i will chase that feeling outside of substances. i will be sober. i will take care of my body. and i will live for the adventure - because that is clearly what brings me a sense of excitement for life again. i am alive. i wont forget that... i need to remember it. i need to honour this life. i need to honour myself. what brings me happiness? reading, romance, adventure, spontaneity, change. ive got this. i just needed to adapt. i just need to adapt. and it will all work out, and itll all come to me. i need to stop asking questions and start waiting for the answers. ive got this. i believe in me. i believe in me. and i wont let myself sink.

[renewingagain]

sunday 9th october 2022 // 4:44pm

once again it’s been quite a while since i’ve journaled lol. i really need to do this more often as it’s quite an effective way for me to check myself, work out whats going on with me internally, and also help me work out things like where my life is headed, sort out my future, establish goals and things like that

but i say this everytime i journal, and then leave it a good few months before i get back to it 🤣

anyway, i started off with this post by actually reading a few of my previous entries just to assess how my life has been the past year, what my feelings have been like throughout, and to then compare to how im doing now

considering that the last year or two of my life have genuinely been some of the hardest years i’ve been through, i’m actually doing pretty well in this latter half of 2022

the past couple of years in a nutshell i’ve had to face

- the shittiness of covid and the impact it had on my life during and after uni

- releasing myself from the chains of religion

- thus dealing with religious trauma

- to then finding myself again and discovering my sexuality properly

- having my first relationship and losing my first relationship

- my self-esteem issues

- physical abuse from another dumbass boy (not my relationship)

- generally being an adult in sheffield

theres probably more to this list but its a general rundown so far. the beginning of 2022 was also really difficult in particular, as this was when i had my breakup as well as moved house, turned 25, faced performance issues with my job and was just generally anxious all the time

to be fair, im still anxious to this day and i’m always fretting about where my life is going. but i seem to be managing it much better than usual

and within this latter half of 2022, i seem to be doing really well and have been living more carefree about things!

first, the break up. it was obviously really hard at that time, and sometimes to this day i do still find myself thinking about alex. it really is a shame that we had to break up for the reasons we did, alas it was necessary. the first 2 or 3 months were extremely difficult, there was always this inner turmoil of wondering whether i had made the right decision. but i know now that i did, and time is a healer. now im fine with it all and wish him all the best of course. i have realised that there will always be a part of me that does love him, i dont know why that is, but its there, i acknowledge it and thats just that and that’s fine! it does make me sad that we don’t talk anymore, but if he is safe and well then so am i :)

the few months after this have just consisted of getting into dating again but also just generally exploring my sexuality! and within that i have been having a pretty good amount of sex. a bit tmi but i had my first threesome(s) this year. they both happened in the same week, both unplanned, and with different people! it was pretty wild but i enjoyed it and it’s definitely something i would do again

these days i am feeling much more comfortable in just being gay and acknowledging it. i went to my first prides this year <3 chesterfield, leeds, and then manchester. had sooooo much fun with them each time and it really made me feel proud about who i am. i know not to be ashamed of this

i went to amsterdam for a weekend in september with kiran and kajal which was so much fun, and i’ve now just spent the past couple weeks in london seeing lots of friends and family. it’s been a really great month! (i’m currently writing this entry on the train as i head back to sheffield now) 

now i’m just at a stage in my life where i need to work out what i want to do and where i want to go. i have a lot to think about.

when i was in london, my massi said i can essentially move in with them once they have finished doing up their house if i find a job down here. could london be the next step in my life?

i’m approaching 25 now and i really want to just have some more direction and feel settled in life. london in particular is probably the best place to be for opportunity. even seeing veena down there, she sent me a job recommendation for where she works and would put in a referral for me if i decide to apply for it. and i’m like why not!

as much as i love sheffield with all my heart, i’m starting to get a little tired of it now and would like something new. i came with the intention of just getting away from home so i had the space to think about where my life is going. and now i’ve had that space and clarity and i have an idea of what i want to do in life now. i know it’s tech.

furthermore, london would be so good for music too. so there really is a lot to think about. i would dearly miss my friends in sheffield, the connections i have there, my best friend sam, my little gay group i have. but otherwise, there isn’t really anything holding me back there. i’m not tied to anyone there in a relationship, and my job there at the HO is boring and something i dont really want. [i am now being promoted tho so thats fun woo]

task: check out that job posting that veena sent and similar 

i also really want to start working on my fitness and health again. i need to get back into it properly, it is important. i want to drink less and start waking up early again and look after myself.

also, i really need to get off my phone and do more things. learn more, go outside, read a book

now that the winter is approaching, it is adamant i stick to this rather than consistent mindless scrolling on tiktok or wherever. i need to look after myself again, meditation is key too.

i need to get back on my learning and development too. if i want to get into tech then i have to put in the work.

also, doing this will greatly benefit my mental health, thus ensuring i am happy, content, and the best me i can be for myself and for other people. i’m tired of having days where i just feel a bit crap. i know they are normal, but lately i am feeling generally better and hopefully this will continue to be on the up.

i also need to learn to transform any space i am in so i can just learn to be content. rather than having my set place, i wanna learn to be content and continue doing what i do at all times.

with regards to my mental health, i’m hoping these ashwagandha supplements i have ordered start to take effect in order for me to feel more focussed and less anxious

tasks:

- start waking up early

- turn off your phone. just literally turn it off and don’t think about it

- start running again and working out. just do it as and when you can. even a 10min run is better than doing nothing. this same logic applies to anything, 10min of studying is better than nothing

- do some proper, consistent, thorough research on where things are going to go and for where you want to go in life. do this alongside your studying and keep dreaming

- make a physical vision board that you can refer to at any time. you certainly have the space for it

enjoy your life, rest, and go easy on yourself. you’re doing amazing sweetie. and go easy on your self-esteem too. someone will love you for exactly who you are. someone has before, and someone will again. you’ll find that person you can just vibe with.

love yourself

[iloknalem]

Ahh..

I think im finally losing it.

As my world unravels, my word untangles, everything turns into a non descript, listless, inelegant, unintelligible sack of soup. And here i am, trying to make sense of whats left, bracing up the rest, while faking to look like im doing my best.

•

You know, that moment, when we were waiting for that english final practical exams back then, the moment you said to me that you decided against going to that school, that school that you dreamed off to enroll to, that militaristic hell of a boarding school that i got myself into in the end, because i thought it would all be worth it as long as im with you,

that forsaken place,

I told myself.

"Everythings going to work out, and everythings gonna be alright"

Thats what i said to myself. I tried to tough it out, go through all off it. Optimistic. Waiting for the awaited to come.

3 years, and then i managed to secure my chances to go to germany. Counter-intuitive, but still I said to myself. "Its fine, everythings going to work out, as long as you work hard enough."

I blaze myself through language school, through supplementary school, and finally to uni.

There were a lot of hiccups along the way, but i always found reasons to go back on track. I even blasted myself through first semester. Always trying to be an even better version of myself.

"Nice, Dante. With this attitude everything is going to work out."

Eh? What was it again? Whats going to work out? What was it again that awaits me.

After my brief trip to jakarta a few moons back, i finally woke up. Reality called, they want my rose tinted glasses back.

Back then i realise, that our path would only be separated even further, in every conceivable way.

I hoped back then, that i could just, rectify, maybe a thing or two by going back. I just dont have the means, the reason, the way, nor the guts.

This, distance, its only natural, and that fact alone only makes me feel worse.

Hey, you know. Do you know that i excelled so much in 1st semester, that it has more progress than the last 3 semesters? Do you know how jacked up i was back then, and what a freaking bloated whale i am today?

Hey, would you ever know how broken i am right now?

Since after the trip, ive been saying to myself.

"Its going to be fine. You will find the way back to the track, just like before."

Ive tried, and god believe me ive tried. Its just, i dont know anymore. I dont know what im standing for. I dont know why i have to wake up tomorrow, knowing that it would make no positive change for my future. I dont know what will make any positove change for my future. I dont, know.

•

Just now i finally admitted to myself. Claiming my life back, this is not going to be as easy as before.

Now that everything's a lost cause, i might be able to say anything:

Hey, you know, i really miss you.

Just going to school every morning, knowing you'll be there, it gave me butterflies in my stomach. And thinking that we might do something together at class, be it playing some kind of game, or maybe just having a chat, what a feeling that was. And also, knowing you would also attend those repeat exams for Civic, as we both kinda sucked at it haha. Blissfully ignorant about the future, and just enjoy the small moments in our daily live. At least i did.

Just those seemingly insignificant moments, those were enough reason for me. And if that is what it meant to be alive, then thats all i need to know. I enjoyed them, every little bit of those moments.

For what it was, Im glad that everything happened. Im glad that you happened.

Hey, you, was i wrong to hope? Was i wrong to wish, to experience again, the same joy of just being close to you? Were these hopeful thinking are just some, really ugly fallacies?

•

All of this just sounds like a plea for help honestly, i feel sick reading it. Pathetic.

And if you somehow actually know that i still use this tumblr, and you actually still read all of these, please dont. This is not a place of honour. Its just a place for me to express myself, to a hypothetical you, for my wellbeing. Saying this to you or anyone would not amount to any good for any party.

And if you still do, please dont tell me that you knew, or maybe tell me, idk i might die of cringe.

Its just,

If only you knew how bad things really are.

[riverofrainbows]

I want to look like a boy so bad its lowkey ruining my life

[elle-smells]

so....I got a letter of rejection today. Apparently my "achievements do not meet our admissions requirement" which I mean, sure but not for the specific program I applied for- sigh anygays like I wasn't planning on going but that was my dreams school for so long and I applied on a whim and idk I guess it hurts to be told you weren't good enough.