#i remember talking. to my mom and saying how much i hate how often im using it but its the only thing keeping me from hurting myself or my

[lilgynt]

i’m sleeping at night i’m eating more regularly im reading again i dont have panic attacks before and during work - after work im usually pretty chill and i dont have a crazy stupid dependency on weed. life got better and it only cost me like. 100 to 300 bucks per paycheck. like 100 base pay but 2 to 3 bc i usually hit bonus bc im amazing and hot. now i’m amazing and hot here without all of that

[mirukutchi]

Attempt 2 at writing this lol bc the first one got deleted by accident

I wanted to add my experience to that last post I rbed, bc it resonated with me, particularly the first part where men will call eachother 'girl' or 'feminine' as an insult(this is the only part im commenting on as i am not a transwoman so i have no input on that part of the post. )

I have pcos. I always have. I have a very strong masculine face/jawline. I always have. Ive always had a deep voice, as someone who was born a girl and identifies(at least in part) as a girl. I want this to be known bc its context lol

Guys are not the only ones who misgender as an insult, or to dehumanize others. Girls do it too.

When i was in elementary school i didnt have female friends bc all of them would laugh at me and say they didn't want to be friends with an 'ugly boy'

When i would go to the bathroom in-between classes, other girls would push me out, or yank me out physically and say that 'ugly boys' are not allowed in the girls bathroom.

My mom always made me have short hair, and she always made me wear jeans(and boy shirts bc they are more durable than girl clothes. This part was. Okay. I guess. I liked pokemon and ben 10 so my little brain didnt understand.) I was not allowed to have long hair and i was not allowed to wear dresses or skirts(ever since i was little ive wanted to wear only dresses but i was not allowed to...)

I talked like a baby(high pitched voice) for a good part of my childhood bc i knew that my voice was ugly and deep. When i started to go to speech therapy, i started speaking ""normally"" and my voice got so deep... i remember one of the last times i used my baby voice it was with a teacher and another student, and the student said "hey teacher, listen to (deadname?)'s REAL voice, she sounds just like a boy!"

That was a defining moment in my life.

In middle school, when i still wasnt allowed to have long hair and dresses, girls in my health class would look at me and laugh and whisper about how im actually a boy, and that i shouldnt be there. My face started changing too, my jaw got stronger... my voice got deeper.

I think in highschool people were too focused on other things to really bother me too much, plus people *generally* by that time knew me as a sweet and quiet person, not to mention i was the 'art kid' so that gained me some friends lol, also by highschool i was allowed to grow my hair out, down to my butt almost! And i was allowed to wear dresses and skirts and leggings(mostly leggings at that time bc i was still super skinny lol)

After highschool i had a crisis and shaved my head and tried out being a guy(ftm) but it was, personally, an identity crisis. I didnt know who i was, i had been abused, emotionally and sexually, all through high school by a guy i thought was my friend(i wish i had left sooner...) so i was struggling with what was 'me' plus i thought to myself 'everyone calls me a guy anyway so fuck it' but it gave me advanced dysphoria to be a guy :/

My hair is long now. Past my butt, i can sit on it. I only, exclusively, wear skirts and dresses. I wear a skirt to work bc i begged them to let me(i have autism and pants are a sensory nightmare but also i hate the way i look in them also i will look more like a guy)

Do you know how often i get misgendered? Admittedly not often, but it still happens. Usually its kids, but sometimes i get people calling me 'sir'. I want to scoff and be like 'how can they mistake someone with long braided pigtails and a dress for being a man' and then i remember my childhood.

Also im not writing this to detract from trans experiences, im writing my own experience as a woman-thing with pcos(if you dont know, it basically means that the cysts on my reproductive organs cause me to produce extra testosterone and not enough estrogen) who has frequently been misgendered by other girls

I want to clarify that im also only responding to the first part of the post, im not trying to say my experiences are in some way comparative to trans experiences!

Terfs do NOT touch this post ill shoot you on sight!!!!! Pew pew!!!

[dunmertwink]

Some asks, if I may, for the brilliant Kestrel Everdusk!

3) How often do they show their genuine emotions to others versus just the audience knowing?

38) What hobby are they good at in private, but bad at in front of others? Why?

49) Would they eat something they find gross to be polite?

Cheers, mate! :) 🩵

Ahhhh, thank you @tavsboots!!!! I love talking about my boy!!! Let's see:

3) Kes tends to put on airs! Publicly, everything he does is a performance. He doesn't really show his true emotions unless he trusts the person implicitly, which is rare. Wyll broke through first, as they've met before - see the fic i wrote below (sorry in advance if you decide to read it; its a bit awkward as im not the best writer). Funnily enough, Astarion was the last person to gain his trust even though they've been sleeping with one another for months. To anyone new, he has this larger-than-life, flamboyant personality. He's witty and nonchalant (hi, fav spell vicious mockery). He's suuuuper good at reading people and knows how to 'play the field' accordingly. Hence, people are either completely obsessed with him or they hate his guts (it's all part of his plan, lol. Meaning he's very cautious about who he lets in). But despite this grandiose mask he wears, he's actually really concerned with what people think of him. He worries that people can see through the mask and see someone who is broken and weak (a projection of how he feels of himself). He deeply connects with the tiefling children as he sees himself in them; scrappy little urchins trying to get by in a world that would spit on them. And as it turns out, he's a really sweet and caring person under all that bs! Once he knows and trusts someone, he's basically the "mom friend," no matter how hard he tries to hide it. So this whole long-winded answer to say that the companions see the real Kestrel by Act II (and if they paid attention, by the end of Act I).

38) Hmm! I think this one kinda goes with #3 a little! He's good at chess (from fairly high wisdom and intelligence). He pretends he's bad at it as a measure of the person he's playing. Will they try to take advantage of him, or will they be helpful? In Act II at Last Light, when Mol is playing Raphael, he leans on Gale in order to help Mol as a way to throw Raphael off later on. He eventually plays Gale and surprises him! Gale still ends up winning but is pleasantly surprised by the challenge.

49) He would! As he grew up a street urchin, he became very used to eating anything he could find (his parents were around but they were so poor - things got a little better for the family when Kestrel was 12, as his dad was able to open a small shop). Now that he's older (27 at the start of the game, 28 during Act III), some habits die hard. I remember that interaction with Okta, the old tiefling woman making stew in the Emerald Grove. She mentions something about tav having lived a hard life since they happily take to gruel after she offers.

Again, thanks so much!!! Apologies this is so long I never wanna shut up about my ocs!!! ❤️❤️ Also, the fic i mentioned in #3 (cw's in red before the 'read more'):

[naturalbornlosers]

actually. i dont normally get this personal so i might delete this later but geez i need somewhere to put this or i'll go insane.

we lost my grandfather a year ago and Christmas has sucked ass this year. i'm overstimulated and exhausted. my family doesn't even try to connect with me. it's like i dont fucking exist anymore to them except as a problem-solver ("can you help me find xyz?") or a piece of furniture or someone to dictate later plans to or a fucking memory pad ("don't let me forget,") or a problem. we try to eat dinner together and i dont open my mouth a moment in the conversation bc there's no opening for me, there's no topic i can contribute to, no one even tries to include me, and the only time i'm spoken to is to tell me plans we're doing later. i wanna make something with my family and it gets brushed off. i wanna do something, it gets brushed off. i bought us a game to play and we're taking it down when we take my grandmother back home bc no one could be assed to remember to play it even though i made sure it appealed to all of our interests.

my mom made a joke about "oh we're just giving you money because we have no idea what you want haha!" and while yeah, i am grateful for the money, it fucking SUCKS that every time ive talked to her about my interests - about our shared interests and hobbies, too - it sounds like it's gone in one ear and right out the other!! i've shown her in person things i would like to eventually get in the future, all year. and it's like… none of it matters. no one tries. no one tries when it's me, but everyone else gets thoughtful things and i'm even still planning to get more things for my mom and my grandmother. no one tries to engage with my interests. my interests actually get made fun of here and there or outright dismissed ("i'm sure [person] doesn't wanna hear about xyz" is said often when im infodumping) and everything i like is trivial. everything i like is fodder to be mocked by my moms husband and just goes in one ear out the other with my mom and my grandmother has no idea what to do with my interests.

and, fuck, now my family doesnt believe i have endometriosis or pcos bc my ultrasound came back fine even though i explained to them repeatedly that it may not show up on an ultrasound. they dont want me to get a second opinion. they dont think its worth it, trying to find out why im in so much pain i miss class/life events and why im so sick and fatigued every month i cant leave the house sometimes. i just sit around like a decoration. i get teased for being on my phone. i get teased for not eating the same things everyone else does. and to top it all off, my moms husband vaguely threatened me tonight in front of everyone and no one did a fucking thing. no one even acknowledged that he just flat out went "dont do xyz, if you do xyz, there's gonna be a problem" in a very clear manner of 'you are going to be in deep shit'. which is fucking tiresome bc he tried to kick me out three separate times in 2020. once bc my bathroom wasn't tidy enough (just a bit cluttered, but i dont have much counter space, so naturally it was cluttered), once bc he wanted to turn my bedroom into storage and have me move into the attic spare room, and once bc "this is my castle and i am the king and if you don't like it you can leave". this was during a time i had no friends irl, no bank account, couldn't drive, no job, nobody around i could go to… he knew full well he could just toss me out and no one would say a fucking word.

i'm learning how to drive. and then i'll get a job. and then i'll move out. and then i'll put this shit behind me. but i fucking hate being in a room full of my family and feeling like none of them know me. that i'm entirely alone. that i don't fucking exist and everything i am is trivial and doesn't matter. if i make plans, there's a high chance they wont happen or will get changed last minute and then i get mocked for being upset about it like i'm a child who doesn't get how the world works. i'm twenty four. i'm young for sure, but fucking hell, i'm not six.

i just don't wanna be here. i'm gonna keep on keepin' on. but i want things to change for the better and i know they wont until i move out. i just don't believe i will actually, ever, leave this house. ughh. i'll survive but holy shit i'm gonna be screaming the entire time.

[vizziefizzie]

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Ethan Headcanons!!!

AKA: watch me dissect and yell about this 11-year-old in a needlessly long and unprofessional post because I'm deranged. (Yes, i do this to my favorite characters in my free time).

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General stuff:

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He/him pronouns (they/them is fine with friends... especially since he's still figuring out what sounds good to him)

Demipanromantic who feels strong aesthetic and physical attractions

(Fuck the mbti (unreliable and generalizing) so im using the big 5 (slay)) Sxx|A|i (highly social, average emotional stability and organization, HIGH agreeableness, mildly inquisitive.) (Also, side note, i usually hate categorizing people into specific personalities so please don't treat this like some holy text!!)

He does suffer from anxiety and stress over people, relationships, and everyone's wellbeing. He just wants everything and everyone to be okay!

He has ADHD

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Family:

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His dad died when he was young, but he doesn't know the details of his death

He has an older brother! But he's gone for college. Whenever he comes home, Ethan wants all the details!

His mom taught him how to make simple meals, so he knows how to cook and bake... but don't ask him what equipment he's using and don't ask for a grand meal (he will burn the house down)

He also has an uncle!!! Remember Ralph?? (I'm 99.9% sure that they're related based on the calls on the Pokégear.) He learned everything about fishing from him. Also, Ralph comes from his dad's side of the family.

Adventure and a love for the outdoors RUNS in that side of the family. And while Ethan's mom doesn't go out much, she very much enjoys hikes, and she met his dad on one!

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Friends:

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Kris was there with him in his early childhood, but she and her family moved to goldenrod. The two were close despite Kris' quiet nature.

He trusts Lyra and Kris with his life!

He has a penpal! (Spoiler, it's Dawn!)

His friends always bring out his hyper side!! He's perfectly comfortable being himself around them.

Silver.... he just wishes he could see him more without feeling... out of place? (He can tell that Silver doesn't exactly want him around, especially while he's training)

Every day, he scrolls through his contacts and gives everyone a call just to say hi!

Lyra moved in shortly after Kris left, and she quickly became Ethan's friend. The two act like hyperactive twins if anything else, and they often get the "Are you two related?" question.

Their parents get along too!! They bond over missing their old partners... though, Lyra's father just divorced.

Which, Lyra and Ethan cope together too! However, Ethan isn't as open about it.

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Mental health things:

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Speaking of!!! Ethan really does NOT know how to communicate his problems or insecurities to people. He's either silent and internal about it or screaming at the top of his lungs and having an emotional meltdown.

He has too much oxytocin.... people who know about stress hormones know exactly what I'm talking about (in short, it's craving support and physical contact to help relieve stress responses).

He's DEFINITELY an extrovert (not bc he's loud. No. People genuinely motivate him and he loves to just talk)... but some of his "cheerfulness" and giggling comes from a well of anxiety. He will laugh at anything, not bc he genuinely finds it funny (if he's genuinely laughing, it's non-stop wheezing and snorting between outbursts).

He has a "everything is okay!" attitude... especially around strangers. Sometimes it's good! Other times.... yeah, it's toxic positivity!!

He doesn't want people to stress about what he's stressed about! (So, he's anxious about his anxiety)

But on a side note, his mental health is usually great! But there are times when he's just not.

He often turns to exploring, helping others, and comfort foods whenever he's stressed... this happened a lot at the end of his journey and when he was champion (which was NOT a great time. But i want to make smth for that later.)

This kid suffers compassion fatigue from time to time!!! Especially when he's helping multiple strangers!! His friends are usually good about not asking for a bunch of stuff from him

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Behaviors!!:

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Remember the ADHD thing? Yeah, he stims.

Arm flaps, snapping (he has something good that he wants to say), wiggling, shifting (anxiously waiting (either positive or negative)), nail biting (he's concentrating), etc

He also has vocal ones like squeaking or speaking in a high (and quiet) voice like "woo!" or anything like that! He also loves to hum (not as much as Lyra though)

Also, he can't sit still in a chair... it's a short person with ADHD thing (im projecting SHHHH!!!) (Also we are the same height I HATE IT HERE (<- 7 years older than him))

[Patrick star voice] TOUCH

He uses tactile toys because he can't keep his hands to himself and he loves them!!

He loves to hug!!! Hugs!!!

Sometimes he can't shut up while other times he's uncharacteristically quiet.... it's usually because he's just observing other people or his head is in the clouds.

Maladaptive daydreaming goes BRRRRR!!!!

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Side things:

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He has a VERY messy room despite how prepared and organized he usually is for everything else. (Sometimes, his room is so cluttered, he needs Silver or Kris (the only organized people he knows) to help him get out and make it less of a hazard).

He loves sour and spicy things (sweet too.... but he needs that tart flavor with it)

He loves flowery scents but fruity ones overstimulate him

He hates grainy and stringy foods. He HATES oranges (but not the juice)

He is not a gamer. He SUCKS at them!! But, he's great with casual games like Animal Crossing (stress free!!)

On quiet days, he's usually sitting outside enjoying the breeze

He has suffered humiliation due to how gullible he is! But that was earlier on his journey, he's smarter now!

A lot of his team provides emotional support!!! More on that in a future post!

He can play the guitar!! Camp songs!! And calloused hands...

He sucks at reading!!! And he often needs to read aloud.

[UUhh I might add more!!!]

[marunalu]

Don’t you wish the anti dfo fans could give actual proof of why Izuku dad isn’t AFO so we can have fun debates on interpretation with us being civil and polite? But instead we just have people reeing and saying it’s impossible or how it ruins the story Or just being salty when we say other wise?

I do.

Oh yes anon, I do feel the same way!

Like I already said multible times in the past, I have no problem if people dont like the theory. To some degree I even understand it. A lot of people dont like dfo because to them "villain father and hero son" is such a cliche story plot. The thing is "cliche" DOESNT automatical mean its bad! You cant just say something is badly written, or a bad writing choice, only just because YOU dont personally like it and because its quite often used in storys, when its NOT EVEN WRITTEN YET! We dont know yet HOW dfo will play out! We dont know yet the explaination and story behind it, so why not just wait till hori delivers and THEN built your opinion on it?! I mean, maybe it will turn into a possitive surprise?

The thing is, at least from my personal experience, there is little to no chance to have polite or deeper conversations with most anti dfo people (not saying they are all like that). Everytime I get an anti dfo ask or see an post from one, they give me the feeling as if I killed their dog or some shit! As if I personally insultet or hurtet them! All the anti dfo asks I ever got were from people attacking me FIRST, simply because they didnt like a dfo post of mine. Its just a theory that is fun to me and I like to talk with others about. I made a lot of cool and nice internet friends thanks to the theory. I mean, isnt that something positive and you should be happy about for others?

And the most annoying thing is, when they attacke me or try to get me into a discussion with them how stupid and wrong I am to believe in such a theory, they cant even give good proper arguments WHY the theory wouldnt make sense and Im not able to destroy in just under 5 seconds! Remember anti dfos "strongest" argument they had for the last 3 years? "aLl FoR oNe cAnT bE hISaShI, BeCAuSe HiSAsHi hAs a FirE bReAtHInG qUiRk!" Gosh, I think Im not the only dfo fan here, who still gets a headache and feels terrible triggered, if they remember the most stupid anti dfo argument ever created! Oh the mental pain, that sentence gave me for years! And there are STILL people out there who use it! Seriously, at least they could come up with arguments that make SENSE and can hold up longer then just a few seconds!

And what is their most recent argument now? "AlL fOr OnE cAnT bE hISasHi, bEcAusE aLl FoR oNE DoESnt hAvE frEcKleS!" 🤦‍♀️ Or because, hes not an 100% izuku clone, when I just proofed in one of my newer posts that not ONE of the kids in bnha is a complete copy of one of their parents and that all the kids have traits from both, their father AND mother. Also most of the kids come more after their mothers in appearance (even BAKUGOU of all people), so WHY is izuku not allowed to look more like his mom (only at first glance and if you dont dig deeper), then his dad?!

And then, when we were able to destroy all their very few anti dfo arguments and they realize they dont have any back up comments, they come up with the typical: "BUT IT DOESNT MAKE SENSE!" or "THERE ARE ZERO HINTS AND EVIDENCES!" Like dude, if I hate something so much and close my eyes every fucking time I see it, OF COURSE I wouldnt see all the hints and evidences that have to do with it neither! There are TONS of hints and evidences that back up dfo, but if people choose to hate or ignore it and dont even want to give it a chance in the first place out for personal reasons, then NOTHING in their eyes will ever be good enough. We as fans took our time to analys afos behavior around izuku and other people, the way he speaks, the words he says, the way he acts and were able to realize that he behaves completly different around izuku then other characters. This is backed up with proof! We created a whole damn "dfo bible" with over 50 different kind of hints and effidences, simply because we took our time to study afos behavior around izuku, but anti dfo still turn a blind eye.

Its fine if they dont like the theory, but if they dont even give it a chance or even consider it out of personal dislike, there is no reason to interact with them. Its like talking against a wall!

[plainbageltoastedwithbutter]

autistic + adhd things i do cause why not

dimp orange lights i cannot stand any bright white lights i would go insane

would intentionally do embarrassing things as a kid cause i thought other kids did it

jean hater

my mom would constantly style my hair or put it in a ponytail in like kindergarten but i would always take it out by the end of the day cause i hated it

mimic other peoples expressions even on text if i see like a frown emoji i'll frown at my screen ]:

cannot pay attention to tv if i dont have subtitles, i just thought my attention span was short (which it can be) but i just cant pay attention to yt videos without subtitles unless i focus to

im not entirely sure if i have a special interest but i do get hyperfixations a lot, pinterest and spotify are my best friendssince i can just indulge with my fixations for a moment of peace

usually im pretty good when remembering to eat, drink etc but sometimes if i get too hyperfocused in something i'll sit and not move until im done which can take like hours lol

picky eater, not in the way where i wont eat veggies or "healthy food" but i just wont eat stuff that cross my boundaries (sensory wise) also dont force me to eat new food, 90% of the time i know that i wont like it

idk if this is an autism thing but one time i got rlly upset (almost a meltdown?) but yknow when your parents force you to hug or kiss your family members once you say hi or bye yeah well that day i decided i did not want to do that and refused to hug my grandpa bye. i lowkey feel bad now but it wasn't my moms job to force me. i also didnt talk to my mom the rest of the car ride cause im petty.

i'd force myself to cry at sad scenes in movies, like im very emotional but i dont cry often at the actual sad parts but i know im sad and that this is a sad scene then i'd make myself cry PFFT

but i'll start sobbing at how to train your dragon because the music was too much

feel mostly invalidated by autistics in media cause they only show one part of the spectrum. smart, very literal, brainy, likes science and math, struggles in love, unintentionally funny, did i say smart?

some characters (who i hc to be autistic) that i relate to more include rapunzel(omg im literally her), giselle from enchanted, luz (canon adhd), harley quinn, oswald cobblepot (gotham version)

i still cant ride a bike and i dont like swimming that much :/

anyways thats it i dont feel like adding tags

[with-love-from-hell]

Hey there stormy 😜 Oc Ask Game, #1, 3, and 4!!!!!!!

Hi Sahara!

1. Who makes up your family?  How close are you to them?

Well, I really consider my friends to be my actual family. The blood of the coven is thicker than the water of the womb- or so the saying goes.

Ah...I guess I'm dodging the question. I know what you mean. My immediate (living) biological family consists of my father, Patrick, and my older siblings, Zinnia and Lyle. Lyle is married with 3 kids (between the ages of 1 and 6), but Zinnia has been divorced a few times...I actually think she may be married again? I'm not sure. If you couldn't already tell, I dont talk to them all that much. Lyle and I talk maybe once per month or sometimes more, depending on whats going on- I probably get along with him the best, but I still keep him at arms length. I really only talk to Zinnia when I see her at Christmas. As for my father...well, he's complicated. I do talk to him once per week, but its really only to stay in his Will. He's...not very nice to me. He never has been. I'm the youngest of my siblings by a considerable margin (im 26, Lyle is 38, and Zinnia is 43) so they never really experienced what I did growing up, considering I was more of the "oopsie" child. My mom died when I was 5, so I really only remember my dad at his worst, because Lyle said after she died was when he changed. I see him when I have to, which is more often than id like, to be honest. I know upsets Lucifer because he hates my father.

Other than that, I dont have much immediate family. My dads side is pretty small (he only has one brother), and my dad stopped talking to all my moms siblings when I was very young, so I dont have much of a connection with them.

3. What is your favorite childhood memory?

This is a pretty hard question because I'll be honest...there aren't many. Thinking back on it though, I think my favorite memory was when I was 6 and Lyle took me to the county fair. The whole day was probably the most fun I ever had growing up, and I begged to stay there forever, clinging to his leg when he went to drop me off at home. I suppose it would be funny if it wasn't so sad, haha.

4. What is your least favorite childhood memory?

Theres...too many to name. We'd be here all day if I had to choose to be honest. I'll suffice to say most of my childhood was pretty terrible.

Oc interview ask game

[anicekidlikeme]

Do you know how I grew up?

Back when I was dating Peter, I was always aware of just how much he would talk (about his accomplishments, about his friends, and different annecdotes). His stories would go far back as elementry school. I hated it. I know that is a horrible thing to even think as somebody's girlfriend (I knew that then too) but at the time getting myself to like the person I was dating felt like a crushing expectation. How am I supposed to love you unconditionally? How am I supposed to love you at all? Your friends are mean, your music taste is okay, and I cannot stand the way you refuse to walk alongside me.

There was a moment when we were walking to Target to buy Kombucha, and holy shit was I pissed off. Peter would walk ahead of me, constantly, and turn around in tiny spurts to tell me to speed up. Could you please walk with me? I know now that love is definately not supposed to feel like that. It is the easiest thing in the world. Drew walks next to me, always. Even if it means having to slow down his pace (often, also emotionally). He grabs my waist everytime we have to cross a road, or everytime I walk into a room I've never been in before. He has incredible patience. I could hear Drew talk and talk for hours, and just keep wanting to listen to even more stories of his. He teases me about how many times in one day I ask him How was your day?! But I just want to hear you talk!

Anyway, a year ago I would think a lot about Peter and I's out of sync walking. It felt like he was ahead of me often. Especially when he told stories. I would sit at the dinnertable with his family and just listen most nights to him sharing annecdotes. About Sam, Adam and Holden, about Miss Gurb from Middle School, and about going to house-shows with Isabella. I would think holy fucking shit, how can you remember all that? How do you have so many happy stories to tell?

The earliest my memory goes to is sometime before 3rd grade when my mom was texting my father on her Nokia, and my uncle had been bugging her all day about selling their Dad's house. I realized then how easy it is to just block out undesirable moments out of your memory. Forget about them completely so they are never to be spoken of, and better yet, never to be remembered. After that, it is a blur. I don't have any stories to tell from growing up, all I remember is how some days felt. There was never enough room where we lived post-divorce, always too many angry people, always too many bugs, and always so many fights in this tiny one- bedroom apartment we shared with 8 other people. My mom told me that I was once in the hospital for 6 months. I had no fucking clue that happened. I still dont.

If I told somebody that I slept most nights of my childhood on a purple straw mat (yes, no bed. not even a mattress), they would probably be so fucking confused. But it is true. And it happened, and it is not a very tell-able tale. Not like Peter's atleast. I am trying to think of other things that happened but I am noticing myself getting fatigued. It's too hard, and there is a big lock on that door. Let's not bother. It is much easier to say Im doing well now. Oh, she sucks and he's dead.

So if you were to ask me how I grew up, I would tell you I have no fucking idea. I dont know how I grew up. Bitter and scary and mean, is probably what my friends from high school would say. Unfortunately, as a result of me changing as a person, I had to quit talking to them. I couldn't find it in me to say, hey guys, I'm in America now so I've decided to be a completely new person. I'm sorry, but I'm not going to be this person I was anymore. It's not their fault, and it is not mine.

I am now very emotional (something I was very very afraid of, and am still coming to terms with), very silly, not obsessed with being smart anymore (I'm surprised by that one too), and very very Vaibhavi. Everyone calls me Vai, and I hate it. I want to shout at them, and instruct them to call me Vaibhavi. That is who I am! I am intensely focused now on the memories I make, even if they are bad ones. I dont want to forget anything. I don't want to forget my fights with Fawwaz, or my sick days with Drew, or my secret-spilling sessions with Atharva. I dont want to forget when I had awfully pink hair, or when I was friends with people I hated. I want to have stories, and I love the stories I have now. I am obsessed with getting engaged, because then I will have a family. A family I like, a family to tell stories about when I am asked so, tell me about your family.

A family to love, a family of two. Definately not one with Peter, but I wish him luck. I really do. We are both good people with so many differences, and my hope is that he finds someone to cherish them. I know I did (and god, is Drew a sight for sore eyes).

I have no idea how I grew up, but there was a tent in a balcony. Don't know which one, we have moved too many times.

[irlkanamedate]

The current state of my mental health.

Gonna be real honest right off the bat. Its bad. You guys know its been bad but I mean its real bad right now.

Im a mess and it won't make any real sense i dont think so read or not, its under a cut.

[Suicidal, eating disorder, just in general bad shit I guess]

Its been months of feeling worse and worse and feeling utterly hopeless and lost. Months of constant bullshit from either my brain, my living situation, my fucking financial situation, or whatever else decides to come by and ruin what I thought was things getting better.

I find myself once again falling back into the delusional spiral because I'm having a harder and harder time regulating my emotions and mental state and if I had ever been mean or snippy or just awful to you guys, I am genuinely sorry. I dont even remember a lot of this shit I did cause my visual timeline of things have been cut so much due to just being in this black fog of self loathing.

And maybe it is my own fault for self sabotaging and dipping from so many things. Ruining friendships and all idk. Hell i can't even bring myself to actually talk to a lot of you guys cause im just so... fucking lost.

Constantly torn between multiple different sorts of realities in my brain and being too much in a constant bad mood to feel comfortable engaging or I might say something bad or be snippy so I just run away from it again and again.

I am just some kind of burden to you guys in my own mind. Some kinda burden to my own family. Just some hopeless directionless corpse that genuinely feels like I have made no real impact to anyone. And it isnt any of your faults. I know this isn't really... true. But its such an active hard struggle to fight against this pure delusional thought that I get so tired.

I get so tired trying to just... remind myself over and over. And then my brain fight back going like "if it isnt true then why are you the only one saying it? Where is your proof?" Or pulling some other bullshit move to make me believe this false reality.

Im so tired guys. But I hate being a burden. You guys say I'm not some times but I can't stop feeling like one.

Im not saying this or ever do anything to make you guys shower me in affection and love. I never want to manipulate that sort of thing. I never intend to. But sometimes I think I do it subconsciously cause im just fucking blinded by so much shit.

I cant help but think how much I might actually be a horrible person.

Especially when I want to be mad. I want to get angry. I want to lash out. But I know its often unreasonable. But fuck when I try to be reasonable and hold back and try to be mature I still get a fucking shit result.

I dont know what to do.

I feel like everything is always and has always been my fault. My fault always my fucking fault. It's my fault I can't make decisions. My fault im a people pleaser. My fault I got assaulted. My fault I am poor.

I stopped eating cause I believed it could help my mom if she didn't have to feed mr along with that fucking bastard but here I am spending money on non essentials cause it made me happy.

But nothing really makes me happy in the end does it?

Im still here. Shit living situation, poor as shit, unable to hold a job due to multiple reasons. Unable to get proper medical care. Unable to truely be the fucking man I want to be. Unable to express anything properly and truely.

Im suicidal as shit. I made promises to many people I wont do it. And I still won't. But because guilt is whats keeping me here really.

I do love all my friends so much. I appriciate so much of what you guys do for me. And im so angry and upset I can't always see that cause my brain is so hell bent on killing me.

So I just feel guilty all the time. That I still feel like fucking shit even though I get love and care. I feel guilty for asking for things. Feel guilty for taking up space, for needing things, for just being alive but also feeling guilty for wanting to die all the time now. But I can't kill myself cause I feel guilty for breaking promises and making people sad. But I feel guilty for expressing just how bad I am cause that makes people sad.

Im stuck here by guilt and I dont know how to change that so I just feel worse and worse and worse. I cant eat but I try to eat a little so I dont make people feel too bad but I hate eating.

I dont know. I just dont know anymore.

I cant see any real future for me. I just can't.

And so im just... stuck here. Just existing day by day. Silently hoping one day I just never wake up again. Cause then I didnt make that choice. Something or someone else did for me. And I wont have to feel that guilty. Or something. Or at all cause I wasn't really awake. I dont know.

Im sorry. I'm just not ok. And this isnt even all of it i dont think but im just... so tired.

I am so tired guys.

[flanarchy]

hometown for a few weeks. park out front of the library, it is a remarkable comfort among so much conflict when home to know i can park anywhere, any time, and never pay a dime. gina painted that box out front, i remember when she was doing it and i’d walk by, books and a cat on it. familiar metal handle, swing open the door next to my hometown best friend, library science graduate looking for a job who used to work here. swing open the door and say hello ms. ruby, yes i’m back in town, oh i’m not sure when im leaving again yet, but soon, probably as soon as i can, you know me, we always have this conversation as routine. yes, best friend says, i’m still looking for a job, not ready to start grad school yet. that’s what we’re doing here today: the one coffee shop closed right now, so we’re here online looking at jobs together, and we leave ms. ruby to sit a table and i immediately turn to the left and see it, what’d i’d walked right past before: the back wall is empty, half the other shelves are gone.

best friend says: you didn’t know?

i thought the tornado in april had only damaged a bit of the roof, but i guess the leaks were bad. 8,000 books gone, best friend tells me. i’d come, secondarily to the job search, for dickens, but there were no Ds left in the adult section.

at 15 i’d spent a lot of time there, more than normal. best friend and i volunteered, 2 hour shifts 2 days a week, but i always stayed at least half an hour longer. it was my first “job” and i didn’t want anyone to know i was watching the clock, so i’d get there early and always stay late so as not to appear rude, but really i was watching. my OCD was at its worst and i could distract myself more easily in other places, but not when i was there and my job was to take each book off the shelf, scan it, and place it back—inventory. over and over, the same way my thoughts went, except the books changed and the thoughts often didn’t, so that i was spiraling by the end of two hours. when best friend mentioned she listened to music, i realized no one would hate me for earphones, and i’d try to giggle silently while i listened to a funny podcast so as not to alert passerby. but before that, getting through the two hours with nothing to stimulate my brain was a fight, and most often i’d be thinking, what would each of these librarians think if i was gay? would they hate me?

in the entire adult nonfiction section there was only one book on being gay: Gay America. i tried to be conspicuous the day i checked it out. i read enough that i felt i could have this book, same as any, and no one would mention it. no one did.

i ask to borrow my partner, aspiring librarian’s, libby login: my home library does not have it. best friend says they used to, actually—she went to work for them part time after we volunteered, and she’s stayed in this town, so she keeps up—one day it was gone. i’d ask about it, but it doesn’t seem the time. there are 8,000 books gone, and it’s nine months after the tornado. surely there are funding for these things, my mom says when i ask her if she knew about it. clearly something has not come through. nine months and there are no Ds in the adult section, and none of plenty of other letters, for that matter. Gay America is still there. i should send up a prayer for that. i thought a lot about the library when my town was blown through, and then i didn’t anymore when told it was fine: skating rink, gone, that gas station, gone, plenty of friend’s houses: gone. i’d come home and we’d all been talking about how piggly wiggly still had not been rebuilt. no one told me about the library. no one told me what it was like to walk in and see empty shelves.

this summer mississippi banned libby and hoopla for minors. part of that anti-gay, anti-trans, pro-book ban wave, but no one talked about it, really. i think of high school me, sliding that blaring Gay America off the shelf. the one book in the nonfiction section. i have no libby. half the books that disappeared had to have been james patterson and colleen hoover, anyway, and i complained about that, just as i used to rail on about how it was unfair that you had to be 18 to check out graphic novels, but still, they are gone.

i’m looking for community organizing positions, on the job listings. when we sit down i see one, advocating for urban libraries. but i think, what do i know about that? what would i even want to do in a position like that?

when my town was wrecked i felt powerless states away. friends made me feel better when they said all those trees—they will regrow. but a town like mine gasps for breath after a tragedy like that, and the red cross has long since left, and months later the shelves are still not full, and years later there is still only one gay book in the nonfiction section.

[throwingupmyemotions]

mom

this whole things is just going to be me word vomiting everything about my mom and my relationship with her bc i think it played a huge role in shaping who i am and how i react to ppl and problems but i literally don't understand it at all and i recently found some new information so i just kinda hope i can piece it together after writing it all out yk

so i hate crying in front of my mom and i almost never do anymore, and i rarely show any kind of negative emotion around her just bc i hate it yk. but i went home last week and i was talking to my sister about stuff and we started talking about my mom and i said that i felt like my sister was treated like "the son" of the family (esp in asian households, they are obviously favored) and she agreed bc lowkey my mom made it too obvious. but then my mom came in and all of a sudden i asked her why when i used to cry she would always say they were "crocodile tears" bc it sounds like she thought i was crying to manipulate her and not bc i was actually hurt. and she said "did i rlly say that??" and my sister and i laughed bc she wld literally say it every time i cried (which was very often lol i was an emotional child and that's prob why they never took my feelings seriously) but anyway somehow i started crying and i told my mom about how hurt i felt growing up and feeling like she hated me and my mom apologized and i could totally tell it was genuine. she opened up about her childhood trauma (she has a lot of it) and she said the therapist that she has started seeing said that she has borderline personality disorder which kind of turned my entire world upside down!! I'll explain now:

so basically during 8th-9th grade my mom was going thru some stuff and our relationship was rlly rlly bad. she would get into these moods where i felt like she genuinely hated me. idek how to explain it but she would get super cold and find any reason to get mad at me and her getting upset is one thing but she somehow found the worst most hurtful things she could say and she said them so easily while knowing they would hurt ykwim?? and i remember she would get so angry and me crying would make it worse but trying to hold back my crying made me start getting almost panic attacks where i couldn't breathe and she would somehow get more angry. it felt like a horror movie, like genuine raw fear. but these moods would only target me, like she was completely normal with my sister and when my dad would come home she would be back to normal and she would threaten me if i told my dad about what happened but he wld find out anyway bc i would start crying at the dinner table or smth.

but so those moods wld happen one day and the next day she would be nice to me and i wld bring up how hurtful the things she said the day before were to me and she would have no memory of it. im not even kidding she wld say "i said that??" and i genuinely don't think she remembered any of it. and she would always feel so bad and apologize a million times and say she was going to go get help and that she didn't mean any of it and that she loved me so much. at the end she would give me a long hug and i wld be crying of relief. the hug was always so good, every time i remember thinking that this time was the last time and i was safe in my mom's arms and she wld never hurt me like this again. ive always been pretty gullible, i believe ppl. especially the ppl i love yk? but the next day she wld hate me again. and the day after that she wld apologize and not remember any of it. after 1.5 yrs of it, i started seriously breaking. i remember not even feeling angry, i just was so exhausted and scared. somehow the fear only got worse, i never got used to it. i remember just wanting to get away from her, i hated being alone with her bc i never knew which version of her i was going to get and there was no escape. i thought she had bipolar disorder bc of her mood shifts but that's why when she told me about her bpd diagnosis i was so idk the word?? i wldnt say relieved but like some part of me was satisfied in knowing the reason she acted the way she did wasn't bc of me.

so one thing i think i always wondered was if she believed those things she said, now ik she said those things just to hurt me but that doesn't rlly make me feel better bc that means she wanted to hurt me? like what was wrong with me that made her want to see me like that yk. so i think that's part of why i feel so idk i don't want to say (unlovable) bc it sounds bad but lowkey yeah. it feels like my existence is so burdensome and annoying to everyone and i constantly have to make up for it by being as helpful as i can and to give everything i have to make ppl love me. but even then, like i get that my parents and friends love me but they don't actually love me. bc everything i say and do is to get them to love me, its not actually me yk? idek who i am bc my entire life just revolves around getting validation and affection from ppl. and the worst part of it all is that even tho i realize all of this, i don't want to stop and start being myself. somehow i know that as soon as i start being myself, no one will love me.

[kmr95]

in franks voice a good weird funny real human "hi you reached frank from the ymca" hah so one can dream but maybe but very slim chance since theres billions of real humans who wanna go to ivy league like alan tuing attended princeton so did einstein. ivy league might very small chance let me in for diversity since i am autistic or i have very high functiong asd or aspergers of course again well its difficult to tell since im close to neurotypical thankfully so I do wish autism or down syncdome wasnt veggatables sorry again if i offend anybody. I used to go to a autism summer cap in 2016 and i met real friendly humans and some of the counselors were from the uk. again real humans come and go in life so even real friends or relatives I don’t see often or never sen like my aunt myrtle or cousin barbara etc. cousin barbaras son has asd as well. Its sad though real friends like Irene befriend a fake ass mom of course so to more same old same old idiots who say i type analog silicon or digitized text walls well again you didnt take english class or attended prestigious schools like rutgers like frank did and you don't know what paragraphs look like obviously. i type paragraphs simply again not so long so i space them. again my real friend from the ymca frank beltane or frank stabile he told me about his nicknames before he died so he passed away but i will remember him for being a real friend a real human a good weird smart simple and funny. he studied sociology. oh course i will raise my adopted boy or fe"male" and call them frank ymca reid hah even before he died of course and raise them with physical verbal discipline and i will raise them of course again with eabos. Ill remain a virgin forever. in 2022 age 26-27 I realized a simple fact everything's always been old school.

alan turing went to the most prestigious school of course but was he being simple to think of eabos well no. he was an immigrant like ashley bernards parents again. ashley bernard she is great at math again like alan turing or charlie wills or abdul etc ashley bernard is mixed no accent she is tri lingual. I have only talked to her dad and messaged her relatives this month june or last month. I dont wanna talk to ashley right now because again nobody is special and eabos. I havent talked or messaged ashley bernard in like 5 months of course. last time i saw her in real life or analog was halloween 2022 again. you might know this refernence my name is ken "come on little bill" matthew reid or my long nickname rolls off tongue hah. i slapped kids in high school silly idiotic game and i snitched on one of the kids because well again I was a selfish idiot again thinking i was special and i was worried schools like rutgers or ivy league would judge me but you know things don't bother me as much anymore since knowing eabos and we all have something to hide as humans/ imperfect idiots again so i did do something sort of with dogs when i was 13 so i wont be vulgar again. my free will.

so anyway i hate bill cosby etc. of course so rape abortion to fe"males" is bad and inhumane. rape because you want a fe'male" or male so bad is still wrong but rape to be evil fake is really bad again. I feel yucky but again fe"male" humans are the weirdest human gender so its just how life is and it turns on most males in a good weird way and a bad weird way. when i was a teen or a minor i got motivated by a fe"male" deanna johnson in high school and i put a pic of her on my weight bar yuck and i had crush on brianna sanders from jack and jill group or nicki guerco in high school etc. so many real humans on earth overpopulated again overwheming a good and bad weird. it's also risky to drive and I have sped in my life before I knew eabos. I almost got killed riding my bike on the road in 2016 a bus almost hit me and my fake ass mom passed out while i was driving and she had injurys which i don't feel bad for of course. my ribs hurt and the air bags came out this happened in 2019 i could have died not be able to tell eabos obviously again. i am guilty of speeding on the turnpike or highway going over 100 to catch a flight in trenton but it was very late at night in 2018 and another time in 2018. some idiots in 2022 speed in the home life neighborhood like 100 mph like at glassworks my home life again. i have sped in my home life in freehold and in glassworks but like only 40 50 but it's still wrong. my real friend again elliott peyton told me twice about his real friend dying and he sped and drove far to the hospital. hopefully he was in great hands but sadly he died like frank. i wish my real friends got to meet my other real friends like frank from the ymca. so again obviously ill care what real humans and fake evil humans say analog silicon way or digitized me fighting fire with fire until you care. I will dismiss you not read or see what you care about. until you get or care what i say about eabos of course again.

#military #army #marines #navy #usa #worldwar2 #wwII #life #turing #chatgpt #reddit #twitch #tumblr #twitter #youtube #algorithm #google #tech #technology #callofduty #sports #comedy #fun #Princeton #ivyleague #marryville #ymca #frank #cancer

[television-pil0t]

Think I might check myself in because something is definitely.. wrong. I want to kill myself but like.. but because I hate myself. I just feel like I shouldn’t BE ALIVE. I feel like.. being alive is the worst. I feel like finding out what’s on the other side and I can’t stop thinking about it. I’m not depressed but im tired of not understanding. I type these things out so I can look back over them myself cuz.. I mean nobody else but bots are here but like.. reading over everything. I liked Simon. I know I did. Fuck like I did EVERYTHING for that motherfucker. I would die for him. He made me happy even when he.. didn’t. Same as my mom. I would hate her but she made me the happiest and I crave her more than anything. I crave Simon. I want him. Not for attention but.. another point of view. A person so different yet so simultaneously similar. I don’t wanna date him. I don’t wanna talk to him. I don’t wanna be around him. I want to like.. spiritually fucking fuse with his very being. Things the type shit I’m on rn. I swear I’m not high but like.. I loved him as much as I could possibly love a person. I loved him more than my own mother. I craved helping him. He made me feel useful.. or atleast validated my usefulness when I had nobody. I think that’s it? I had nobody? He was it. That’s all I could possibly prioritize because I had nobody. I happily pushed all friendship out the window because I wanted to be on his level. I fully mirrored him and then I tried to stop it and it made me hurt because I wasn’t mirroring him anymore. I didn’t have friends. I didn’t post as often. When I did post I was MIRRORING VINNIE! WHEN SIMON STARTED TALKING TO OTHER PEOPLE I GOT MORE FRIENDS! I was mirroring! Mirroring while taking pieces of OTHER peoples personalities. I feel like I’m gonna throw up. I feel like I’m connecting dotes but like not really at all. I loved my mom and khye. I’m sure I have the capacity to love.. don’t I.. I can’t.. really not love people? But I don’t fucking remember. Shit I don’t even remember what I was typing about a hour ago and times going by so fast.

One half of me feels so in control. I want to understand myself and I don’t want anyone to see how messy that process is and that’s why I sit here and I type for hours about what truly goes on in my head but at the same time I wish so badly I could tell someone. I wish I could.. have someone talk to me back. I wish I could show someone this page and have them understand it. I don’t understand. I

I wanna say I loved my mom. Simon. Khye. Daemon. My step mom. My cousin. My friends. But I trustly just don’t fucking know. I don’t know what I feel. I know they hurt me before and I let them. Happily I just let them because losing them meant losing everything at one point in time but was that just… having a fp? Was that simply just bpd because that would mean I did love Simon it’s just he stopped being my fp.. but I feel like he stopped being my fp a while ago.. I wanna know why I wasn’t sad when I left him. I wanna know why I don’t feel anything anymore. If it’s just a episode I’ll accept that.

I’m ready to accept anything at this point. I’m ready to accept I made a mistake breaking up with him. That I did the right thing. That I’m having a episode. That I’m just overthinking but it’s 12 a fuckibg clock and I don’t fucking know because I have nobody to read all this shit and I’m to scared to show anyone any of this. I don’t wanna be judged because this is genuinely how I think. It’s scattered and wrong and weird and insanely contradictory all the time but that’s just how it is until I figure it out. I wanna have a conversation but I don’t wanna scare someone off. I’m just.. so fucking confused about what’s wrong with me.

[thedianadiary]

0007.

Will you answer these questions as personally as you can? ok sure... but these never seem to be all that personal. 

Why are you happy? because im blessed. I have air in my lungs, my heart is beating, i have amazing animals, i have a roof over my head, i live in a cutie neighborhood, i have some awesome family & friends, etc.

Who’s the last person you hugged? C. or em/nathan/hanna i can’t quite remember.

Would you pay someone to kill the person who hurt you a lot? that i can honestly say would never be something i would consider.

Do you like the song ‘Sick Little Games’ by All Time Low? i don’t think i know it. 

Last night you felt? sick. my headache was making me nauseated. 

How are you feeling right now? a little out of it. my headache hasnt gone away but i get extremely stir crazy when im not productive so its going to have to be different today.

Are you drifting away from someone you were close with? yes.. sadly

Is there someone you’d like to fix things with? umm.. i mean yes and no.

Have you ever liked someone that treated you like crap? yea. well lemme say this. i liked someone while they were treating me so well as they had for so long. once they changed abruptly, my feelings werent able to just shut off as quickly as theirs had. so it took some time. I know i dont have any interest in actively having feelings for someone who treats me poorly. 

What are you listening to? i currently have on hoarders while im typing this.

Have you ever stayed in a hotel? definitely. 

What is in your pocket? no pockets. just wearing athletic shorts on bottom and they dont have pockets

What was the worst feeling you last felt? worthlessness.

Have a best friend? um.. 

Does it bother you when your best friend does stuff without you? no

Do you keep any secrets from your best friend? im private naturally but i wouldnt say im intentionally keeping secrets.

What were you doing 60 minutes ago? sitting up and trying to get myself going.

Is there a secret you’ve never told your parents? my dad knows pretty much nothing about me. there are a couple things mom doesnt know. 

What’s something that can always make you feel better? a drive, food, alone time.

What do you want right now? money. 

What would you name your future son? ooooo i love that question. there are so many good options. 

If you had to eat 1 thing for the rest of your life, what would it be? hmmmmmm. i honestly dont know. maybe cereal loooool.

How’s your life lately? its not the greatest its been. i need some big changes and i am about to be pretty uncomfortable.

Last person to send you a text? K telling me that the breakfast is not being picked up

What were you doing at 8:00 this morning? talking myself into a positive mood.

Did you have a good birthday this year? its april currently and my birthday isn’t until july.

Have you done anything embarrassing lately? probably but nothing comes directly to mind.

Do you trust easily? lol definitely not. 

Do you like cookies n’ cream ice cream? it sounds yum i havent tried it in years but now im getting a taste for it. thanks. im impressionable. 

How often do you raise your hand in class and answer a question? i did fairly often. i was always willing to participate.

Ever been mistaken for someone else, and took it as an insult? lol ive had people say oh you look like so and so and when i look up that person im like oh.. thats.. how you see me. lol 

Would you get a mega bag of skittles, or three regular ones? i really am not a skittles lover. 

What color shirt are you wearing? its a teal tank top

Is there a boy that would do absolutely everything for you? ummm. no i dont think so.

Did you ever think you had the Swine flu? no

Who was the last person to smoke a cigarette in your presence? hmm. probably my brother.

Who was the last person you talked to before you went to bed last night? K.

Are you a mean person? i dont think so

Does anyone hate you? lol *shrug* probably K’s ex. 

Do you usually tell people when you’re mad at them? if we are talking then yes, i would. 

This time last year, can you remember who you liked? honestly i dont think i had romantic feelings this point last year.

Will this weekend be a good one? i think so.

Have you ever liked someone older than you? ooooooo yessssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss.

Are you mad at someone right now? not necessarily, no.

[bacon-fatt]

I’m not even sure how I got to my boyfriends work, I remember getting in the car but after that is just blur. I don’t remember any music playing, I don’t remember the cars on the road, but I’m here in one piece.

My eyes are sore, not from crying, maybe the weed? I’ve find I’m smoking more and more these days, I’m not sure why, boredom mostly. Before it was all to help with my depression, and anxiety, now I’m just chasing a high, im on new meds but I can’t tell if they’re working. I’m still sad, maybe not as often? Its a bit much to think of. It’s hard to think about anything really.

My mind and thoughts are all scattered, it’s hard to focus. Maybe another anxiety pill will help, that’s three? Four? I’m not sure.

We’re back home, this is was a little better, we had to take a friend home so I was more alert, I made small talk but for most of the trip I was quiet, paying attention to the music and the road.

Now I’m back home making dinner, nothing special, it’s always nothing special, because we’re poor, I mean we definitely have a lot more now than I did as a teenager, but poor nonetheless.

My boyfriend is a good guy(well now) we’ve been dating for 3 years and it’s been hell. I think this is the first time in awhile we’re in an okay spot. He also has mental issues, I’m just lucky I guess. He suffers from borderline personality disorder. Im not even sure how to explain that one, so I won’t try to. All I know is he’s in a better spot than he was before he met me.

I don’t really have any friends, I tell people it’s by choice but honestly I’ve just pushed them away. I do have one friend, O. she’s my best friend actually. She’s what I call beautifully broken. We both have similar Trauma and We both have a love/hate relationship with our boyfriends.

I don’t tell her this, but I envy her a lot.

The steak was chewy, but okay. I take the one with the most fat because R hates fat. The fat was always my moms favorite, so maybe the fat is a comfort thing. Strange.

R doesn’t know how to cut his steak and each time he tries to cut it he grinds the plate, how does that not annoy him? It’s driving me nuts. I don’t say anything because it’s not a big thing, but it’s the little things that get me.

We’re watching one of my favorite sci-fi horror movies. I’ve seen this so many times but it helps get my mind off my mind. I spent too much time thinking about R cutting his steak my food has gone cold, which is fine, I’ll still eat it. My mother never let us waste food, no matter how much we didn’t like it or how full we were.

The truth is I’ve been eating/binging all day and throwing it up. At first I wanted to just get rid of the full feeling, but now it’s become a joke. Imagine, a man as big as I am with bulimia? It’s dark humor.

I just took another dab and I’m starting to feel “better” I’m not sure what’s going on with me or why I decided to write all this down.

I’ll send this to a few friends, just in case.

- J