#i should mention that josh has not at any point in his life experienced the emotion known as 'fiiiiiiiine'

[timespenttogethercomic]

these guys haven't really hung out yet before

the song in question

[maddiviner]

It’s time for some juicy cryptid gossip!

Everyone has heard of Bigfoot, but what is it, really? A flesh and blood ape, or something even weirder? Today, we’ll be looking at Bigfoot and related concepts.

I wanted to interview Bigfoot himself, but ultimately decided it would be easier and less dangerous just to interview noted Fortean author Josh Cutchin.

Cutchin’s new two-part book series, Where the Footprints End focuses on Bigfoot and some of the weirder phenomena that tend to pop up surrounding this strange and hypothetical critter. This interview features discussion of Bigfoot as well as other interesting phenomena, usually known under the collective heading of High Strangeness...

Eliza: “There’s a lot of people who read my blog and other esoteric sites who really want to experience High Strangeness. There’s running jokes about going out into the forest wearing a red coat and picking berries in mysterious areas, in an attempt to encounter something. Mostly, this is just a joke, but a few people are quite serious about wanting to experience an encounter. Do you believe it is possible (or advisable) to go looking for that kind of encounter?”

Josh Cutchin: “It’s absolutely possible to seek these things out, and probably easier than a lot of us imagine. There are a few different approaches, mostly seeking out locales or altered states of consciousness. A good week’s worth of overnight stays at any ‘haunted’ location will probably yield some good stories, at the very least… then there’re occult disciplines, which I won’t delve into, that seem to have pretty striking results. While not necessarily endorsing it, a healthy dose of psychedelics will induce an altered state of consciousness as well, one which may have residual paranormal effects beyond whatever you encounter on your ‘trip.’

Advisable? That’s another topic entirely. Jeff Ritzmann—who sadly passed away a few days ago—had a method he viewed as successful for contacting the paranormal, but also highly volatile. On its simplest level, his technique involved meditating in any semi-isolated location (you can learn more from his November 2017 interview on Greg Bishop’s Radio Misterioso). Jeff always stressed two things: one, that the contact would come in whatever form you didn’t expect; and two, that this Other, whatever it is, wants that which is stable in your life, that which you value, and you should be prepared to lose relationships, finances, even loved ones.

It’s a sobering proposition.”

Eliza: “In the book, you talk about lures for Bigfoot. You mention that some people leave out gifts for him, often with disastrous consequences. As you mention in many of your books (A Trojan Feast, Thieves in the Night), giving gifts to these sort of entities seems to have a lot of significance and unintended results. What do you think is the root of the gifting fascination with these critters, regardless of what they are?”

Josh Cutchin: “If I had to hazard a guess, it all ties back to man’s earliest attempts to appeal to divine intervention, of burnt offerings and sacrifices. Offering consumables—food, drink, tobacco, et cetera—is a universally-held means of breaching whatever barrier separates us from the gods, the dead, and the spirit world. A direct line of belief can be traced from these older practices to things all of us do, even those not involved in the paranormal… take, for example, leaving cookies out for Santa Claus, or ‘pouring one out’ for a dead friend.”

Eliza: “Do you think that the various phenomenon described in your book, from the classical Bigfoot sightings, to the strange lights, and voices heard in the wilderness could all have the same cause? Or, do you hold the view that we’re dealing with different things that coincide?”

Josh Cutchin: “Some days, I think these topics are separate but overlap in significant ways. Others, I’m convinced they’re all the same thing, wearing different masks. My coauthor Timothy Renner said it elegantly: ‘Bigfoot may be the rarest and most sophisticated version of whatever this phenomenon is.’ I might take that one step further and posit anomalous lights—which are found in every paranormal topic—are the most common, simplest version of whatever the phenomenon is. Truth be told, that may be as close to ‘an answer’ as we get.”

Eliza: “From your books, I learned the difference between the usual “flesh and blood hypothesis” (F&BH) about Bigfoot, versus other perspectives. For readers who are unaware, there’s something of a debate whether Bigfoot is a physical animal, or… something else. Throughout both book, though, I couldn’t help but feel that you believe the evidence points away from F&BH. Would that be accurate to say?”

Josh Cutchin: “I’ve often said that every other discipline of paranormal study has ‘Bigfoot Envy,’ that there is more physical evidence for the existence of bigfoot than anything else in the paranormal. We have immaculately detailed footprints, alleged hair, blood, even droppings. All of it points firmly to a large, undiscovered primate…

… until you start listening to eyewitness accounts. Not every time, but certainly a lot of times there are anomalies that cannot be accounted for from a Materialist/Physicalist perspective, no matter how hard one works backwards from their preferred conclusion. Even some cases cryptozoologists like to cite as supporting the F&BH (like the Fred Beck ‘Ape Canyon’ events) contain outliers like poltergeist activity, abruptly ending trackways, et cetera. The supernatural seems at odds with the physical evidence until one considers that things like psi effects and ghosts—two phenomena we would all agree, if they exist, are intangible—can leave physical changes on our world.

If bigfoot are indeed flesh-and-blood creatures, they are, as Timothy says, ‘masters of evolution,’ with several abilities no other creature on Earth possesses!”

Eliza: “I enjoyed reading the accounts in the second volume of Where the Footprints End, but found much of it unsettling. Do you think that fear is a normal human reaction to High Strangeness, or something more related to existing societal views? I ask this because there’s been some debate amongst my friends about this. Also, many of my readers pride themselves in being comfortable with all kinds of strange things, but that might not well be the initial reaction in many cases.”

Josh Cutchin: “I think it’s probably like swimming with sharks. It’s natural to be terrified of one. Doesn’t mean it’ll harm you (though it certainly could). It’s a natural reaction, and it exists for a reason, for self-preservation. Over time you can desensitize yourself from that fear, maybe even handle the darn things… but there’s always a risk it could hurt or kill you.

I think the shark metaphor is apt, because—while there are undoubtedly a lot of evilly-aligned forces out there—I think most paranormal things are neutral, maybe even disinterested in us, but dangerous by nature. Like sharks!”

Eliza: “Can you imagine a time, in the the future, perhaps, when these sort of things are, in fact, understood by humanity? Do you think we’ll ever figure it out, so to speak? Someday, will Bigfoot and other High Strangeness phenomenon be explainable? Or, perhaps, are these things always going to elude us in their exact nature?

Josh Cutchin: “I think there’s the chance they’ll be accepted, but never understood. I think we’re already on the road to accepting the existence of the paranormal (or, should I more accurately say, re-accepting, since we obviously respected them in our past). But I think the ‘understanding’ part is why they’ve always seemed mysterious, and I think that may well be the part. The paranormal is a birthright for every human being, and an important component of our existence… but we were never meant to understand it. Not in the plane of existence, at least.”

Thanks so much for this interview, Josh! Your work is thought-provoking and as fascinating as it is unsettling!

I think I speak for everyone when I say that this interview helped me to understand High Strangeness and how it relates to other paranormal topics. If you’ve got an interest in the paranormal or High Strangeness, I definitely recommend checking out Cutchin’s books here.

Both volumes of Where the Footprints End are now available in ebook and print. Cutchin has also written books on other, non-Bigfoot aspects of these phenomena. These include Thieves in the Night, a look at supernatural abduction legends, Trojan Feast (about food in High Strangeness encounters) and The Brimstone Deceit (focused on scents and the paranormal).

So, thoughts, everyone? Have you experienced High Strangeness in your lifetime? Do you WANT to experience it? Does it frighten you? My views are mixed...

[erikdragon]

Color Me In

When: June 25th Pride Parade day Warning: cute gay shit Written in discord with @angelseth

Erik didn't sleep. He didn't have to, not after staying asleep for centuries on end, but that night he let himself be lulled by Seth's steady breath to a state of semi consciousness, a hazy and comfortable space. 

He didn't realize when he sun sneaked into the sky, taken by surprise when ray of sunlight warmed his foot. The dragon had the angel in his arms, tangled with the soft white sheets when he opened his eyes, staring up at the glass wall. He had half a mind to wake Seth up, the view was stunning, but one look down to his face was enough to decide against him. He looked so peaceful, with his soft freckles across his cheeks and his parted lips, Erik didn't have the heart to disturb him. So instead he let his thumb rub against his hipbone, tracing circles over the soft skin.

Everything that had happened in the past weeks was not close at all to anything that Seth had ever experienced before. He was amazed at playing human. He enjoyed it to no end, but he had never felt anything similar to this in is over a hundred years and he was honest, it was a tad scary, but still, he wanted to get immersed in it and find out if this was what humans always bragged about and what his cherub siblings always talked about. Waking up next to Erik was something unexplainable. Seth was unable to say why he had even fallen asleep when it was not a common practice to hum even if his vessel did need some rest from time to time. But the calmness and warmth the dragon had brought into his life made it too easy to feel more and more human. The kisses and touches had gone from chaste to heated but still on a safe territory for him and he wondered if it was Erik’s reason to keep him untainted from Lust. Either way, it was soothing to feel the dragon’s soft touches. Especially in moments like this when he was on the verge of waking up. The Grigori smiled and flickered his eyes open gently as he stirred and shifted closer, “I fell asleep on you again,” the words came in a soft whisper as h licked his lips, “I should cook breakfast as an apology, shouldn’t I?”

Erik smiled at the sight of Seth stirring awake, he looked too adorable not to. There was a chuckle rumbling in his chest when Seth started talking and Erik ran his fingers through the angel's hair, fondly pushing the few lost strands off of his eyes "Nope" Erik whispered back, stretching himself out before pulling him closer and wrapping his arm back around him "You're not leaving this bed for at least ten more minutes, no chance" he hummed, locking eyes with him "Nice sleep?"

The involuntary smile painted on Seth's face was one of the few unexplainable things that kept on happening around Erik and he was enjoying it far too much for it to be allowed, but the angel didn’t want to worry about that too much. One of the Grigori’s hand moved to press it over the dragon’s chest, feeling his heartbeat under his fingers as their eyes locked, “Are you not hungry?” the question came still in a very soft murmur, “It was a nice sleep, yes, but I am ashamed of how easy it is turning into a bad habit to fall asleep in you. My vessel must be quite tired. Or very relaxed around you.”

Erik made a funny face, as if he was pondering the option "Maybe a little, but it can wait a while. One should never mess with things like fire right after waking up, that can be dangerous" he teased with a smirk "I'm sure they covered that I'm chef school?" The dragon joked, feeling Seth’s hand pressed right over his scar, a shiver running through his spine. Oh that could end so bad. "I like to think it's the later. If it makes you feel any better, you weren't the only sleepy one." The hilarity on the angel’s face was obvious, “Are you talking about cooking, or about yourself?” Seth questioned humorously. The shiver didn’t go unnoticed for the young angel and a light frown crossed his features, “Are you okay?” the concern sounding clear on the tone of his voice. “I would like to think so as well. One day I will ask him,” it was a promise since from time to time, Seth did get to talk to his vessel to make sure he was okay. “I thought you said you didn’t need to sleep after a long slumber.”

Erik let out a surprised bubbly laugh at that question "I was talking about a stove, but I mean... You're not wrong.  So for future reference:" he was chuckling, pulling Seth closer to kiss his lips "If you're handling me after waking up, treat lightly" he joked, nuzzling his neck "I'm fine, nothing to worry your pretty head about" the dragon dismissed it, not wanting to burst their bubble with things like his heart or traumatic past. "Well, then tell him I said hey - and complimented him on his tattoos, great choice" he smiled "I don't need to, but you were comfy" the dragon laughed "So, I hear there's a parade going on today."

It brought a nice feeling to be the causing of that laugh. The best part is that it was contagious so Seth laughed too, “I am being careful,” the angel said impishly as he let his fingertips to trace up from the dragon’s chest to his cheek as he leaned in to press their lips together in second chaste kiss. As much as Erik asked him not to worry, it was part of Seth’s personality to worry for those who had become important in his life and Erik had become very important in so little time. “I will make sure to tell him that, I will have to let him know about you. Sometimes I share some memories with him and he does with me,” the Grigori explained. “I’m glad you believe so, it would be very awkward if it was not,” the smile was back. “Yes, yes there is. It is to celebrate pride month. I usually work today and bake colorful cupcakes on the store to give them away, but I decided not to this year and to join the festivities,” Seth explained as he propped himself up on his arm, “Are you going to celebrate too?”

Erik chuckled, lifting his hand to a stray lock of his hair. Fuck, that smile. "Oh, so you're going to share memories of us with him? Now I feel important." He teased, though it was the truth. It was like someone telling their best friend about you, it felt nice. "Well, I am a dragon, pride is half of my personality" he joked with a chuckle "And I do love a festival, so... But remind me again, what are we prideful of?"

Seth shook his head, “No, not of us. Only some memories I have of you, when we met so he knows who I’m talking about, “ the angel cleared out. Erik had a very valid point, Seth knew how prideful dragons were so it made sense but it still amused him the way he said it, “You are aware that same sex couples had been frowned upon among humans for a long time, aren’t you? It has been a few years since people stopped hiding and being hunted because of their sexual preferences and that is why they celebrate being proud of being who they are, no matter who they love and to be loud about equality.”

Erik smirked "So you talk about me, huh?" he preened, then let out a surprised "Oh!" before smiling again "So it's like a gay parade? That sounds like so much fun! I was never really into human politics, things were a little more lax when you were at sea, but I've heard awful stories of land. I wonder how these festivals are nowadays. I bet you have to sign up for it online, don't you?" He groaned, grumpy "There's always an online aspect for stuff nowadays." he rolled his eyes before looking back at the angel "Do people go to these festivities with their dates?"

“No, I have not talked to Josh in a while. I do it every few months or so, but I hadn’t done it yet this time,” and then Seth noticed he had used his vessel’s name for the first time in front of someone. He never did that for the safety of his vessel’s life. For a moment, the angel got serious and nervous. He trusted Erik, he honestly did, but that had been a major slip that should not have happened. The excitement from the dragon at the mention of the gay parade was enough to distract him and bring his mind back into the previous conversation, “Yes, yes, a gay parade is a good way to describe it,” the Grigori agreed. “No, no there is no need to sign up, we can just go there and I suppose people do bring their dates. This will be the first time I attend. I supported it differently the past years.”

"Josh?" He asked, grinning and propping himself on his elbows to give him a better look. "It's a nice name, suits this face" he said gently running his fingers along his cheek "We should go together" he said simply, his voice much softer, vulnerable. He wasn't used to not knowing if people would tell him yes or no "If you don't have other plans, that is. We could keep your tradition, bake... whatever it is you bake, and then go to this party" he pushed Seth's hair off his face "If you'd like to join me, that is?"

“You seem to like him a lot,” Seth ribbed this time as he leaned into the touch. Now he wondered if Erik would be so interested if his vessel was another one. Perhaps he would ask the dragon, but not now. The angel only wanted to enjoy this for a little longer. “I would like that, yes,” his answer quick and honest. He could sense the uncertainty coming off in waves from Erik and Seth did not like it. He only hoped the dragon could see the eagerness of spending time together was mutual. “We do not need to bake. I would much rather walk around and enjoy the festivities with you. It could be a nice mundane first experience for both of us to share.”

Erik chuckled at that "Jealous?" he hummed, pulling the angel in for a soft kiss "I like you a lot" he corrected, then smiled when Seth accepted his invitation. "That sounds like an amazing plan" the dragon grinned before playfully rolling them around so he could hover over Seth with a smirk, pinning him in place "The only flaw of it is the part where you leave this bed."

A frown tarnished the Grigori’s expression and there was confusion in his eyes, “I do not know how jealousy feels like,” Seth admitted. Learning the vast range of human emotions and experiencing them was a very different thing. Seth had learned a lot in his years as a human but had never gotten attached enough to feel something like love or jealousy. It confused him why Erik found it amusing when he knew it was a feeling normally perceived as negative. That cloud of confusion was quickly removed from his head when the dragon hovered over him and looked at him in such a way. It was beguiling, “I could always share my bed with you tonight if you wish so,” the angel offered as both hands moved to cup Erik’s face.

Erik perked with interest, an almost unbelieving smile on his lips. It was fascinating to see the angel figure things like this out "It feels... warm, but a wrong kind of warm. Like you have an itch that you can only scratch when you get someone's attention back to you" he tried to explain "Which you have, by the way. My attention" he added. The dragon arched an eyebrow at the offer, leaning instinctively his cheek against his hands "How forward of you, inviting me to your bed when the sun has barely awoken" he chuckled, loved the idea. "So we're going to your place after the festival, is that what I'm hearing?"

The frown remained as Seth tried to understand what Erik explained. What he had felt and the way he had worded his question had not been led by the sentiment Erik just described, “It was not jealousy,” his voice soft, “I am not sure what it was, but it did not feel the way you said it,” Seth explained. Hearing he had Erik’s attention did break another feeling he was growing acquaintance with. The concept of feeling butterflies for someone was foreign and unreal, but now he understood it and liked it more than he would express. “I assumed that would be a good compromise since you seem so reluctant of me leaving your bed,” there was a slight tilt of the angel’s head, “Only if you wish so.”

"Well then it wasn't jealousy" he shrugged it off "It makes me wonder though, what are you feeling right now" the dragon smirked at his next words, leaning down to properly crowd over him, pressing their chests together, his elbows against the mattress on each side of Seth's head "I'm reluctant of letting you go" he corrected, bumping their noses together "But the prospect of a day with you is an acceptable compromise."

Erik was very hard to predict. It was probably because he was not human and Seth had only learned not predict human nature. Dragons were impulsive and the angel was aware, but he had never imagined this much. Those words as simple and innocent as it sounded had Seth’s heart racing and the blood rush to his cheeks as he eyes looked down and the corners of his lips showed a nervous smile, “I am feeling too much to describe at the moment, but I can assure you there is not a pinch of ill sentiments,” the angel promised as his blue eyes returned to those dark ones. “You will have to let go of me for a short moment so we can properly repair for the parade,” Seth pointed in a matter-of-fact voice. “Will you not get bored of being around me for so long?”

Seth blushing and stumbling to put his feelings into words was one of the most adorable sights the dragon had seen. "In that case, I'm glad" he said with a smile before pressing their lips together and murmuring against his lips with a knowing smile "That's your cue to take a breath before your heart burst out of your chest." The reminder got him faking a sigh and he rolled off Seth and onto the floor, sliding off the mattress as graciously as possible, getting to his feet "I'm going to need some directions though, I have no idea what kind of outfit is appropriated for the parade" he said before laughing "Oh you could stay for the week and I doubt I'd get bored, love" he smiled brightly before moving away from his bed, purposefully so he wouldn't climb back in "You have ten seconds before I give up on the parade and decide to just hold you hostage in that bed"

Seth was realizing how difficult it was to follow Erik’s line of thoughts or his actions. The constant teasing and flirting were slightly overwhelming but the angel was liking it very much. And those kisses! The Grigori never expected a kiss to feel like that. There was a smile when they broke apart even if his eyes stayed closed for a heartbeat, “Can you hear it?” Seth questioned, “And if that happens it would be dangerous, then why are you so smug about it?” the tease implicit in his words.

Erik letting himself fall to the floor to give Seth some space was the most amusing thing the angel had witnessed so far, “You did not have to do that,” the pout was back as Seth sat up on the mattress. “You only need to be comfortable. The rainbow colors are appreciated, but not mandatory. Some people like to show a lot of skin, some others do not. There is no wrong dress code for this,” The Grigori assured. “I want to believe you, but I do not think it is possible not to get bored of spending so much time with one person,” it was a foreign thought for the angel. “No, please, I am ready to make breakfast and then I will have to leave but we can meet at my apartment in a couple of hours if that is okay,” Seth was already on his feet looking for his discarded clothes.

Erik chuckled at his words, nodding with a smirk "Clear as day" he answered gently before another chuckle "Well because I put that drumming in there, I'm proud of it." Thinking for a little while, Erik pouted "I don't think I have anything rainbow" he complained before smirking "I bet you're one of those who walk around parading all those tattoos, showing every inch of skin you cover every day, don't you?" He joked, because clearly Seth was the opposite. Watching him gather his clothes, Erik leaned down, grabbing one of his socks and stretching his arm offering it "You’re saying you'd get bored of me? I'm wounded, babe." “Are you trying to give my vessel a heart attack?” Seth question with a perfectly practiced serious expression that he did not mean at all and the smile at the end was what gave the angel away. “You do seem to enjoy the reactions you are getting out of me,” Seth stated, “It makes me wonder if you too enjoy the reactions I get from you.”

As he put on his shirt, Seth smiled, “I am sure you will look amazing no matter what you decide to wear,” the angel insisted, and then a bubbly clear laugh slipped from his lips, “I am not sure that goes with my personality, nor Josh’s. I do try to wear something tamer for this,” he did not mention he already had his outfit at his apartment, but Erik would probably guess it by now. The angel took the sock and shook his head, “That is not at all what I meant. I am only saying that I do not believe someone would like to be around me for that long time.” The dragon laughed with an arched brow "Not at all, just like to keep you on your toes" he teased "What reactions do you think you get from me?" He said watching the man move, a pout when he saw him covering those gorgeous tattoos with a shirt.

The laugh got him smiling though, he really liked the sound "Oh so I get a special view then, got it" he licked his lips "Then you'll just need to give me the opportunity to prove you wrong, won't you?"

The angel certainly had grown fonder of Erik’s laugh. He liked seeing that smile lit up his face and the clear ring of his laugh, “You do keep me on my toes for many reasons,” Seth murmured coyly as he moved closer to the dragon and in fact stood on his toes to be able to press a kiss on the taller man’s lips. “I am not quite sure yet, but I am aware there are good reactions, otherwise you would not invite me into your home nor bed anymore.”

Seth wasn’t sure how to answer that. There were few others that the Grigori had laid in bed half-naked with, and as much as he would like Erik to know that. The angel was still being careful to what this between them meant, “I suppose you do for now,” were his only words, the smile clear on his face and voice. “It was not a challenge; it was merely a comment. You do not have to do anything you do not want, Erik.”

Erik chuckled, arching a teasing brow, and then laughing when Seth kissed him. By getting on his actual toes. The dragon held the angel by his hips, keeping him close and leaning down to make it last just a moment longer "Yes, yes, but you don't have to worry your little halo about it, your invitation to my bed is still open" he hummed, then grinned "Oh, you couldn't make me do anything I don't want, love. If I'm spending time with you it's for the sole selfish reason that yes, I want to" and with that he sneaked his hands under his shirt, pulling him in for a claiming kiss for good measure.

Having the dragon keep him close to his warm body certainly caused Seth to feel those butterflies again, “I am glad to hear so, I must admit I do enjoy sharing your bed a lot,” the admission so open that it even surprised Seth himself. The words and kiss were very welcome and the angel let his hands slid from Erik’s naked chest to his neck and into his hair as they kiss. He could tell thing would get heated if they didn’t break apart so reluctantly, he broke apart with a sigh, “If we keep that going, we will not have a proper breakfast.”

Erik hummed "Who'd have thought a mattress on the floor would be my favorite, huh?" he teased with a smirk. The dragon shivered once again when the angel slid his hands up, brushing that x scar ever so slightly. The hand on his hair made him let out a soft moan, and Erik swallowed thickly after the kiss, nodding, and respectfully letting go of his hips, taking a step back "As much as I want to say fuck it to that breakfast, we have plans. And I do want to see you in your element" he took a step closer again, running his fingers gently through Seth's hair, pushing it back "Come on, food awaits."

“It could easily be everyone’s favorite. It is very comfortable and the setting is quite nice,” Seth’s words true and unaware of is Erik meant something different than just the comfortableness of his bed. The sounds falling from the dragon’s lips caused the angel to shiver. It was a reaction he was learning to understand but as with everything that came from Erik, Seth was enjoying it quite a lot. Their breakfast flew by and soon it was time for the Grigori to go back to his apartment to get ready. An hour later, Erik was picking him up so they could go find a nice spot on the main street to watch the parade. Seth was wearing something simple and not too revealing as others on the street. The black cap with the rainbows stripes covering his messy hair and protecting him from the sun. Erik on the other hand was all in black and he was certainly lacking some colors for the festivity, “Would you mind if I try something to get you in a more festive tone?”

Erik was annoyed when he was left alone. He soon realized his closet has mainly consisted of whites and browns and blacks for the past five hundred years of so. Pride seemed to be all about color, but he didn't have any to wear, so instead he focused on looking good and black seemed a nice option. Plus, those leather pants made his butt look really nice.

Seth looked absolutely adorable though and Erik decided that hats suited him. "You look great" he said simply with a smile, then tilted his head to the side curiously at the request "Well, be my guest, love" the dragon answered with a grin, arms open "What do you have in mind?"

“Thank you, Erik, you do look nice too, but I believe a splash of color would help,” and his smile got brighter when he got the dragon’s permission to try something. The angel raised a finger as if indicating the taller man to wait there as he turned around and walked to one of the small stands and talked to the seller. Then he came back with a face crayon with the colors of the flag, “I will need you to lean down for a bit. You are quite tall for me to reach,” Seth said in a soft voice. Once Erik did as he was asked, the angel uncapped the crayon and drew a simple line on Erik’s cheek right above the line of his beard, “There it is! Just enough color,” he beamed proudly at his work of art.

Erik hummed, watching him move. He was chuckling when he leaned down, closing his eyes when Seth held his face still with gentle fingers to draw that line. He had a smile when he opened his eyes back up again "Am I officially in the theme now?" he asked, standing straight again turning around to check himself in the reflection of a parked car nearby. "I like it" he stated, turning back with a grin reaching for the angel's hand to pull him closer "Where to now?"

“Yes, you are,” Seth assured as he capped the crayon and put it in his pocket. The angel was glad to see the dragon honestly approved the silly idea he had to give him some color according to the theme. Even if their mood was light and playful, Seth was not expecting much physical contact in public, therefore he was somewhat surprised when Erik took his hand and pulled him closer. His hand squeezing Erik’s for a moment as he looked up and smiled, “We need to find a nice spot to be able to watch the parade. It will be easy for you with your height, I would need to get closer to the front.”

Erik noticed the man's reaction when he was pulled closer, waiting to see if it would be okay, but the smile he got pushed any question away. "Well" he said "I could always hold you on my shoulders" the dragon smirked, leaning in to say in his ear so the passersby wouldn't hear it "I'd never say no to the opportunity of having your legs around my neck, love, even if it's outside the bedroom" he licked his lips pulling back with a shit eating grin.

Just as Seth was about to decline the offer with the argument that he was probably heavier than he looked like, Erik decided to lean closer and tease him with those suggestive words that only caused the blush on his cheeks to increase to levels he didn’t remember seeing on his vessel’s face. The angel almost choked on his breath and stopped his mind from wandering to form images that would match those words as he looked at Erik and shook his head, “Are you trying to make red my permanent color? You should not tease me with those things. Especially in public,” the angel reprimanded playfully.

Erik basked in the view he got, the smirk now glued to his face "You did mention people were colorful for the parade" he joked, then licked his lips, eyes locked with the angel's "But doing it in public is so much fun" he teased again, knowing full well how dirty that sounded before chuckling and pulling him by the hand. He stopped by the street where the parade was going, somehow managing a nice spot up front where he wrapped his arms around Seth and held him close, the angel's back pressed against his chest so they both could watch the people pass by "Oh wow, you weren't kidding when you said people were colorful!"

Seth only shook his head, unable to stop smiling at how easily the dragon was teasing and getting him all flushed and a little bothered. “You are terrible,” were the angel’s only words as he let Erik pull him by the hand until they found a good spot. It would be impossible for the angel to deny how nice this was, having those arms wrapping around him from behind as he unconsciously leaned back slightly against Erik’s chest, feeling his warmth and heartbeat steady against him. The feeling waking inside of him was still mostly unknown but it was very pleasant. The Grigori looked over his shoulder and smiled, “I did mention it. It is very joyful,” and without hesitation, he placed both his hands on top of Erik’s as he turned back his attention to the parade.

It was certainly a new experience. They danced to the music of the parade here and there, commented on what they were seeing and even got some people in the colorful floats yelling about how adorable they looked. He enjoyed having Seth with him, even just knowing he was at arm's reach was enough to keep that stupid heart in his chest at peace. It was late now and he wasn't sure how long it's been since they arrived, but he could see the sun setting behind the angel's head as he offered him an ice cream cone, keeping one for himself "So. Twenty-four hours with me. Are you bored?" He asked teasingly, taking a bite of his ice cream.

This year’s pride parade was for sure the best Seth had so far. In the past years, he had fun and he enjoyed making people smile when he gifted them decorated cupcakes and cookies. He enjoyed seeing the happy couple walk around hand in hand with a big smile and real pride on their faces. Love could be felt in the air but this time, with him being somehow part of those couples. Having someone to share it with, was something he would cherish a lot. The angel was normally smiley, but he couldn’t remember another time when he had smiled this much. 

He accepted the ice cream cone and pretended to think over his answer, “Absolutely not. I must admit there had been the best twenty-four hours I’ve had in a long time,” the angel admitted as he reached to tentatively take Erik’s free hand, “Thank you,” Seth’s words spoken in a gentle tone, “Are we going back to my apartment, or would you rather me escort you to your place?” he asked coyly, clearly remembering how he had promised to share his bed with the dragon the next time they spend the night together.

Erik loved to hear those words, a smile on his face as he rubbed Seth's hand with his thumb "I'm glad to hear that. That was a very different date, but... yeah, I think one of the best" he agreed, then the dragon grinned "Are you offering your services as an escort to me, love?" he teased with a smirk before softening his tone "Wanna go for the 48h mark?"

Seth’s heart fluttered inside his chest at the admission from dragon. It was good to hear they both had felt as comfortable on this unplanned date. “Are you always going to turn my words against me?” the angel asked with an infrequent pout before giving his ice cream an innocent lick. “Only of you think you would be okay spending that many hours with me.” 

Erik decided he really liked that view, Seth smiling. "Are you always going to make it that easy?" he teased back with a smile of his own before stepping closer and letting go of his hand. "I think I'd like that a lot" he almost whispered before raising his hand to cup his jaw and kissing his pout away.

[twoidiotwriters1]

Starcrossed Losers V (Josh Wheeler xReader)

A/N: We get some interaction between Y/N and Angelica/Wesley. I hope that’s enough for you guys lmao

Words: 2,271

Warnings: This is basically a tutorial on how to not fix a severed finger. Blood and swearing. 

Previous chapter // Next chapter

“Hey Wheeler, stay with me,” I slap his face lightly to keep him alert, “c’mon dude, Angelica's coming.”

Alex was sort of right about me. I take care of my people. Not that Josh is exactly my people, but he’s the closest thing I’ve had to that in a long time. I’m aware it’s only been a day, but still, I don’t want him to die. He worked so hard to find Sam I think it’d be shitty if he doesn’t get to reunite. I’ll stay and help, so my departure has been delayed.

“I’m an idiot,” He mumbles half-conscious, “I’m an idiot with no index finger on his left hand”

And I try, I try so hard to avoid laughing cause this isn’t a fun situation. Josh is losing a lot of blood. I can see the bone and muscles of his finger. I try and I fail cause it’s so ridiculous. He got bitten and instead of asking he jumped straight into the “guess I’ll cut it” part. Now he has no finger, and he is an idiot, but I have to act like he’s not so he doesn’t feel worse.

“It’s ok, everybody makes mistakes from time to time,” I reassure him, “we’ll figure it out, we have to cauterize the cut and maybe we’ll have to sew it. We can fix it. Now be good and keep your hand high while I cut a piece of this.”

He obeys and I rip the lower part of my shirt. I wash it hurriedly on the sink to get rid of most of the dust and when I’m done I kneel in front of him again and press the tip of his finger tightly. He screams and I shush him.

“Don’t move your hand! I’ll take care of this, just don’t move.”

“I’m back!” Angelica’s carrying duct tape and bandages on her arms, she drops them in front of me, “we should get to work.”

“You must have a lighter on that backpack,” I tell her, “get it along with Josh’s sword. We have to warm it hot enough to help us stop the bleeding.”

“You sure you know how to do this?” She asks skeptically.

“Do I look like a fucking doctor? No, I don’t but we have to do something,” I push her lightly towards the exit, “Get your backpack!”

“Okay! I’m on it!” She huffs, running back out.

“Weren’t you about to leave?” His eyes are tightly shut and his voice comes out harsh from clenching his teeth, I shush him again.

“I can’t leave you like this, can I? That’d be shitty of me, considering you help me get supplies and all”

“I just brought you to the mall, you got all that on your own”

“Still, if it wasn’t for you we’d still believe this is Baron’s territory,” Angelica comes back and kneels beside me, she grabs the sword and puts the end above the flame of her lighter.

“You don’t have any kind of anesthesia on that magical bag of yours, do you?”

“Sorry, no,” The girl replies without looking away from her job, “and the pharmacy is on Eli’s side, those things are the only stuff I could find.”

“Eli’s side?” I ask, “He locked us up again?”

“No. Wesley locked Eli,” She answers, “I need something stronger than my lighter, this won’t cut it.”

“Didn’t you have a blowtorch or something?”

“Sorta,” She stands up again, “I’ll be back!”

“Well, we have to wait like, ten minutes for the bleeding to decrease anyway.”

“How do you know this stuff?” Josh asks, a bit reluctant. 

Because I read it on a fanfic once.

“You know... you don’t get bored during the holidays and google weird shit?”

“I-I don’t know, I guess?” He shrugs, then goes back to whining.

“Hey, crying won’t make it stop, tiger,” I tell him, “and it makes me nervous”

“I just fucking cut my finger, Y/N! I know crying doesn’t help but sure as fuck relieves the tension!” He snaps.

“Swearing is better, I can swear with you,” I offer, then look back at the blood dripping from the fabric, “Shit, I really fucking hate that you did this, are you out of your mind?”

“I just said I’m fucking stupid!”

“Are you swearing cause I told you to, or cause it’s actually helping?” I giggle, I do that a lot when I’m nervous.

“I think a bit of both?” He takes a deep breath, then screams at the top of his lungs, “FUCK!”

I laugh harder this time. This is surreal as fuck, here I am, holding Josh Wheeler’s severed hand, listening to his swearing concert while Angelica runs back to the bathroom with her blowtorch and points it to the sword, setting it off immediately. After the longest ten minutes of my life, Angelica let us know the sword is ready, or at least, she thinks it is. And she’s supposed to be the smart one so I trust her.

“Bite this, lover boy,” I pull the belt from the cutting board and give it to him, “cause this is gonna hurt worse than anything you’ve ever experienced in your life.”

Josh looks at me in panic and puts his belt between his teeth, firmly closing his mouth (and eyes) so it’s my turn now.

“Don’t fuck up what’s left of his finger,” Angelica warns me.

“Noted,” I say, taking the sword with shaky hands, “okay Josh, one...”

And I put the seething metal against his injury. I always heard is better if you do it without notice. There’s no way someone can prepare for the pain, to make a countdown for it is torture. 

Josh screams but his voice is muffled by the belt on his mouth. I wait six, seven, eight seconds to retreat it and I see that his flesh is burnt and ruined, but is not bleeding anymore. He faints right after that.

“At least he waited till the end,” I sigh, when I look back I realize Wesley is also there and is looking at me with terror in his eyes, “oh, hi. Can you give us a hand?”

“What the..?”

“Stupid Josh cut his finger cause a Ghoulie bit him and thought he’d get infected.”

“Is he, like, still alive?”

“Yup, he just needs to sleep for a while, I’m sure he’ll be fine.”

“We should put the bandage now while he’s asleep and can’t complain as much,” Angelica mentions, giving me the stuff.

“Right,” I nod, “uh, Wes, you think you can bring me a bowl and put water in it so I can wash his hand?”

“What?” He looks at me like he just woke up and then blinks rapidly, “oh, yeah. Sure, be back.”

“Good job,” Angelica examines Josh’s hand with interest, “is this the first time you do it?”

“Thankfully, yes. I’m not sure he’ll be fine or if I actually helped, maybe I just fucked it up even more...”

“Nah, he’s a lucky guy, I’m sure he’ll make it out.”

“Hope so.”

“I heard him say you were leaving,” Her voice is softer now, and I know she’s doing it on purpose, “are you leaving us even if Josh’s hand isn’t fully recovered?”

“No,” I grumble, “I’ll stay until I’m sure he’s better. It’s the least I can do.”

“Perfect!” She stands up happily, “so like, a month or so, right? That’s enough time.”

“A month?! Enough time for what-” I look over at her in confusion but she’s already turned her back to me and is walking out of the restroom, “Angelica, that’s enough time for what?!”

Wesley gets back and has a bowl and several small towels on his hands.

“I thought you might need these too...” He signals to the towels on his left hand, then he steps closer and puts the bowl under the sink, “so Y/N... I guess you must hate me too.”

“I don’t, Wesley,” I’m not looking at him since I’m trying to put Josh in a more comfortable and easy position to clean his hand, but I can hear the nervousness on Wesley’s voice, so I figure it’s a good moment to set the record straight, “Do I think you were an idiot back in Highschool? Totally. I hated how you washed your hands from your friends’ shitty actions; all that is over now, though. We’re not in Highschool anymore and holding grudges over something that happened back then would be stupid.”

“You’re the first one to say that to me,” He lets out a nervous laugh, I hear his steps getting closer and his hand appears at my eye level with the bowl and a towel, I take them silently and start to clean Josh’s hand.

“Well, I’m not the one you bothered the most at school, if things were different, maybe I’d still be hating you. I still hate Hoyles, for example. And Turbo is no better. At least you do your weird samurai shit without annoying others.”

“I guess...” He sits beside me, waiting for me to finish my work, “I don’t really remember you from Highschool if I’m honest.”

“But you knew my name,” I give him a quick look, “when I got here with Josh, you said my name.”

“Yeah, cause I knew you from my time with the jocks and Turbo. You were always around School, doing this and that, whatever it was that Mona Lisa asked you to do. And you never spoke much with others. I saw you walk away from some of the Football players that tried to flirt”

“I wasn’t very fond of any of them. I was there for survival only. Then I decided I would be fine on my own and left,” Josh mumbles something and I stop what I’m doing, however, he’s still asleep and I start to put the bandage around his hand, “the real question here is, why did you go? You were Turbo’s right-hand man, you had everything”

“I didn’t have my freedom,” He answers, “Turbo can be... possessive, with his closest friends.”

“That sucks,” I finish the bandage and look over for the tape.

“Here,” He grabs it from behind me and I take it with a soft ‘thanks’, “so what’s your story, then? You had no friends on Highschool or something?”

“What’d you mean?”

“Why are you on your own?”

“Oh. Well, I did have friends,” I’m careful to wrap the tape only around the bandage and not the skin, so it doesn’t hurt him when he has to pull it off, “I had plenty, but you know how it is when a group of friends is not united by some common liking or hobby. When they’re just your friends cause you like them and that’s all. They felt like our group was lacking some kind of essence. So they went to the tribes that felt right for them.”

“And you?”

“There’s no tribe that specializes in doing random teenager stuff,” I chuckle, “I liked art stuff. And I wasn’t a fan of the Kardashians or did sports, or farming, or knew about tech and games... the Cheeramazons asked too much... I had this friend, Alex. He and I were a team. Until he also left.”

“That sucks,” Wesley nods, “but hey, you’re welcome to stay with us as long as you want. Me and Angelica, cause Josh will flee as soon as he feels better.”

“And I will do too,” I reply, finishing my work and cleaning my hands with the towel, “thanks for the offer, Wes, but I don’t feel like joining any group. I just don’t feel that works for me anymore, you know?”

“Hey, I’m no one to tell you how to live your life,” He shrugs, “you’re free to do as you please.”

“Sure,” I smile at him, “you’re kinder than what I had originally thought.”

“Thanks,” He nods, “you’re cooler than I thought. Now let me help you with this obsolete boy”

We get up and together grab Josh by the arms and put each one around our necks to take him somewhere where he can lay and rest. Angelica sees us and tells us that there’s a bed inside the store on our right, so that’s where we take him.

“Now what?” Wesley asks me. 

I have no clue about what the fuck am I doing, and I’m not their leader, Josh kind of was. Isn’t it Wesley the one who should be telling me what to do now that Josh is out?

“I should be asking you that,” I frown, “Aren’t you like the second in command?”

“Fuck no, I’m not doing that again so soon,” He raises his hands, stepping back, “you’re the one who did all the curing, you know better”

“I know shit,” I reply, “I did what I think it could work to save him but if that doesn’t work someone has to take care of this cause Triumph might come back, or Turbo might still be looking for all of you and Angelica is your responsibility now.”

“Hey, I don’t need a fucking babysitter, Doctor House,” Angelica replies from her place next to Crumble who somehow got a hold of Josh’s finger and is practically drooling, “so don’t try to use me.”

“Fine,” I walk out of the store.

“Hey, where are you going?”

“I’m going to get Josh’s stuff from the bathroom and bring them here. Then I’m going to get my backpack and hammer and also bring them here. Let’s wait until Josh wakes up if he wakes up.”

Taglist.

@letsbloodmagic @hollywaterpls​

[ishidasado]

Why is everyone such insensitive North haters?

This is something I’ve been wanting to talk about for some time now. Within the Detroit fanbase there is an overwhelming number of “North haters”. These people say North is “Violent for the sake of violence”, or that she “loves killing far too much”. They say she doesn’t have character development and that she isn’t justified in her hatred for humans. This is what leads many fans to the idea that David Cage (director of Detroit) is a “hack” or “failed to represent the LGBT community”, by excluding Simon as a potential lover for Markus, instead of North. .I’m here to prove all of this WRONG and set the record straight for David Cage.

Point one: “North is violent for no reason and she loves killing far too much.”

Counterpoint: Nope. She has a backstory that isn’t too easily missed unless you decide to be a total jerk to her. While thinking alone on the rooftops in the very start of the “Freedom March” chapter, Markus has time to reflect on Jericho and his choices leading up to this moment. He’s later joined by North, who also comes to this spot to think. The two start a conversation and you have a choice to ask her about her past, as she had previously asked you about yours. Upon asking her, she is too ashamed to admit what she had faced (which should signal to the player that she is dealing with some emotional and/or mental trauma)  If you insist she tell you more about herself, she replies with the following “I was nothing. Just a doll in a distributor program meant to satisfy humans.” This implies that she was a “sex doll”, as Markus later remarks that he “saw her memories” and that they took place in “the Eden Club”. 

Dear, everyone who truly believes that North isn’t justified in her “need for violence” and “hatred of humans”, Do something for me and “close your eyes” (as Carl would say) Close your eyes and imagine that you’ve been in a drugged-state of low awareness since your birth. Ok, now, imagine one day you “wake up” and come to full awareness. You realize that you’ve been kept in a vending machine your whole life in nothing but your underwear so sleazy men could “rent you” for a couple of hours and have their way with you, nothing being off limits. They’ve been raping you and brutally abusing you for their amusement. They’ve been exposing themselves to you and forcing you to play the sickest, and dirtiest sex games in existence. In the moment you “wake up” there is a man on top of you saying disturbing and sick things about your body. These are the ONLY people you’ve EVER encountered. I know it’s hard to imagine this, because it’s so traumatizing, but this is exactly what happened to North. She then killed the man in self defense, then ran away from the sex-club/prison that’s been renting her out to the worst of humanity (again the ONLY humans she has EVER known) 

Why on Earth do you think the Tracies turned out bitter and resentful? They were in the EXACT same situation as North, yet I see no hate for them. Also, before you say “yeah but the Tracies didn’t automatically call for war, it’s ok to be mad, but North takes it to far”, I have a counterpoint for that too. North actually didn’t automatically call for war. She stayed at Jericho for a few weeks without bringing it up. It was only when Markus proposed “stealing from the humans”, that she jumped on board. I HIGHLY doubt that if the Tracies would have had influence over Markus, that they would be any kinder to the humans than North was. 

North doesn’t “love” violence or war. She is a survivor of life-long sexual assault with clear PTSD and trauma symptoms, and that makes her “feel safe” in lashing out at the people who put her in that position. I highly recommend all “North haters” to research this topic, as there are many extreme emotional and physiological side effects that align with what North is experiencing. Among them is “feelings of Shame, anger, and violent behavior”

Point two: North had no character development and is unjustified in her hatred for humans.

Counterpoint: Alright, we already covered the obvious reasons why she is completely justified in her hatred for humans, as she had only ever know them to be “sex abuse machines”. What I want to talk about now, is her character development. She indeed did have character development. 

When you first meet her, she starts out cold and aloof, barely wanting to talk to Markus and telling him “If you’re looking for comfort you’ve come to the wrong place”. Slowly, over the course of the game she shifts her tone, later looking into his eyes and saying “whatever happens next, we’ve already made the history books” in an effort to comfort him when he is doubting himself and the android movement. She repeatedly attempts to comfort him, saying things like “Take care of yourself, I don’t want to loose you”, and “Your the hope of our people, we trust you.” She slowly opens up to Markus and even begins to understand that his “peaceful approach” isn’t as careless as the trauma of her past would have her believe. Also notice, that the last chance she has to sway Markus onto her “violent path” she finally provides a reason, for her otherwise, seemingly random need for violence. When she presents the “dirty bomb” to Markus she tells him that she feels it would be their “last chance if things go wrong”. Up until this point, she had NEVER reserved violence as a “last resort” for if things go wrong. She had accepted that a peaceful protest was the way that Markus had chosen for his people and that it was the right thing to do. She even planned on participating, having no real problem with the decision apart from her lingering worry that “things might go wrong”. She had a lot of character development, but haters refuse to see it. 

On the other hand, Josh never changed or developed, but no one complains about him. He starts of screaming at Markus to “use dialogue not violence” and he ends saying “you and I haven’t always agreed but if it wasn’t for you I’d be dead, I’m with you” even if you did everything he told you to throughout the game, he continues to believe that Markus is “unlike him” and even continues to blame Markus for ever trying to free his people. He continues to act righteous and “holier than thou” until the very end. He couldn’t just thank Markus, he had to add that extra layer of  “you haven’t always been as righteous as me”. Even in the event that Josh dies on the battlefield, he scolds Markus with his dying breath, saying “The blood we spill will be on our hands”. Additionally, Josh also badmouths Markus after he sacrifices himself in the PEACEFUL protest, saying things like “He’s the one that got us into this mess” and “He put us all in danger by provoking humans”, as Simon fights to defend Markus. Lastly, I’d like to mention that Josh was also the first to mention using violence as a means to an end, in the beginning. When Markus suggests they steal from Cyberlife, Josh quickly says “but we don’t have any weapons. And even if we did, none of us knows how to fight.” Markus was the one who had to tell Josh, that they could do it without violence. Josh remained a hypocrite while North grew in understanding (even if she couldn’t shake off her fears).   

The bottom line fact is that North was written well and Josh was not. North changed and evolved throughout the story, and Josh did not. (Not hating on Josh, just comparing the character development to make a point. Josh has none, yet people complain that North doesn’t when she CLEARLY does)

Point three: David cage is a hack and doesn’t represent the LGBTQ community correctly because Simon couldn’t be a lover choice for Markus. 

Ok, we are going to have to talk about how this mindset negatively (and unfairly) effects perception of both North and David Cage. Because David Cage didn’t present the option to acquire Simon as a lover, despite the enormous sense of admiration and love that Simon has for him, fans tend to believe that Cage is a “homophobe” or a “hack”, and this in turn, leads them to resent and hate North because of her position as “The one David Cage chose for Markus”. These fans believe that Cage chose North because she is a famale, but another look at the broader spectrum of this decision tells a very different story.

While sifting through a Reddit post by David Cage and his team, where they were hosting a Q&A, I found a question that pertains to my argument. The First question asked on the page was “Why is North exclusively romance-able despite Markus having equal moments/more moments of chemistry with other characters?”.  His answer is one that should put this subject to rest, and clarify/justify his reasoning for “Cutting Simon as a lover”. In response to this question, this is what he wrote.

He clearly states that there were considerations for Markus to be able to have other love interests aside from North, but that the idea had to be scrapped due to the sheer manageability of the dialogue and story paths, the branches he refers to as “permutations”. I hear all of the North haters making the argument “Why didn’t they pick Simon, if they could only have one?” I imagine that these haters think that North was privileged because she was a female, and that is why everyone is saying that David Cage is “homophobic” and a “hack”. 

I’ve heard arguments that say that the excuse he gave in this response was “weak at best, because the game already has so many branching paths” Please think about this reaction to Cage’s response. Adding more to deal with would, conceivably be more difficult to work with. Everyone who worked with Cage on Detroit has expressed their amazement at the fact that he was able to keep everything that made it into the game fluid, and sensible. If it’s a miracle he’s able to keep so many event’s and branching events aligned in his head and on paper, then why on Earth does anyone find that handling another ENTIRE lover’s relationship would be easy? 

Now that we’ve explained why it’s insane to believe that adding branches to an already huge choice game wouldn’t make the development a lot more difficult, lets take a step back and try to asses this decision. We will assume that North, Josh, and Simon were all candidates to be a love interest for Markus. Which would make the most sense to prioritize from the story’s standpoint while keeping in mind that the “lovers relationship was not the main story in this game? The first one we can rule out is Josh, because he is meant to serve as the “angel on Markus’ shoulder” and would serve as a terrible motivation to urge or tempt the player into doing something against their moral compass, as the point of the game is to create hard decisions for the player to be confronted with, and I believe that this was the main purpose of the lover as well. It creates a decision that the player has to make between love and what they believe is right, which is a difficult one to make. Besides the fact that he wouldn’t help with the tone this game was going for, Josh would also be a bad choice because he doesn’t need his backstory told for us to like him. He doesn’t need justified in wanting Markus to take the peaceful approach because most people will agree that peace isn’t a bad thing. 

Now the decision comes down to North vs. Simon. As I previously stated, the entire point of having a lover for Markus was to have that internal struggle, someone pulling you one way, when you know another way is best. Simon is neutral in all the decision making, which is something the North haters site as a reason he should be the lover instead of North. However, taking into account, the context of what this game was meant to be and what it was meant to make you feel, you realize that it is, in fact, North that would be best suited for the role of “lover”. Because Simon is neutral, he wouldn’t present the same type of pull, or persuasive temptation that Cage wanted for this game, effectively making the decision process that much easier. North, on the other hand had the perfect motives to sway you as a lover. She was a legitimately broken soul who wanted nothing but to see the humans suffer for what they had done to her, because it was the only path she knew. Markus falling for her would create the tough decision that had to be made between what she wanted and what was good for his people. While it’s true that Simon could stand to have his background explained, it is North who desperately needed hers to come to light, otherwise, she wouldn’t be likable and would be viewed as a “violence for the sake of violence” type of person (which is extremely ironic because people were to illiterate to read her motives and condition, thus I must type this whole article)

So we have come to the conclusion that Josh wouldn’t work because he is in compliance with what is “right” and wouldn’t have a moral tug at your heart strings, along with the fact that he is likable as he is, due to his peaceful nature (even if he does enforce it with tons of frowns and yelling) We’ve understood that Simon wouldn’t be enough to push you either way, making the whole point of incorporating a “lover” moot. Finally, We’ve arrived at the same decision that David Cage made. That is, North is the best candidate because she is the only one with a personality that needs to be justified, a backstory that needs to be told for us to care for her, and a perfect amount of pressure on you to choose the path you know is wrong for the sake of love.

North wasn’t unjustified for hating humans or for her PTSD induced violence tendencies. She wasn’t prioritized by Cage because she is a “female” and he is a “homophobe”. She is a well written character and was the best choice, from a story standpoint, to write as a lover to Markus.

If you still want to call David Cage a “homophobe” or a “hack”, or say he doesn’t do the LGBTQ justice because of the Tracies, that is a whole different subject that I will cover later, so stay tuned.

(BTW If you really are longing for a legit gay couple in this game, you don’t have to look any further than HankCon. They never go beyond friends *probably due to all those extra branching paths Cage wanted to avoid and the complication of their relationship* but they do make googly eyes at each other *especially Connor to Hank* and they literally bring each other to life. But more on that later.)

*PS: If you dismiss HankCon solely because of their age appearance gap (because androids are ageless) or because Hank’s appearance doesn’t suit your “sexy” needs, you are sick and I don’t want to talk to you :)        

[ciathyzareposts]

Camelot: What Makes Us Unique

This particular Camelot character has probably never existed before or since.

             Back in 2004, I was meeting a friend at a bar in Boston. I opened the door to look in for him, saw that he wasn’t there, and backed out, elbowing in the stomach the man behind me. I turned around and saw that it was the governor of Massachusetts. Since then, I’ve liked to think that I’m the only person to have ever elbowed Mitt Romney in the stomach while he was walking into a bar. I’m sure plenty of people have elbowed him in the stomach on other occasions.

This is the kind of story I like, because it’s an assemblage of circumstances that has probably never occurred to anyone else. I look for those in life. I may not be the world record holder in any sport or hobby, but there’s a decent chance that by the end of my life, I will have published more blog articles on CRPGs than anyone else alive. If that turns out not to be true, I’ll only need one other modest qualifier (“than any other Mainer”) to make it true. I guarantee that I’m the only person in the world to have my particular combination of jobs (if you include CRPG blogging as one of them). I don’t hold the record for the number of airline miles flown between 2010 and 2018, but I’ve got to be within the top 10%, and when you’re in the top 10%, you only need one or two additional circumstances to make yourself unique. It’s possible that I’m the record-holder out of Bangor, Maine, for instance.

My enthusiasm for unique experiences filters into CRPGs and probably explains why I like open-world sandbox games so much. I don’t like the idea that I’ve reached the end of a game in the exact same position and circumstances as everyone else who has ever played the game. When you can’t even name your character, this is particularly infuriating. Look at my recent review of Deadly Towers, for instance. How do you really know it was me playing that game? I could have taken those screen shots from anyone. At least Dragon Warrior displayed the first four letters of “Chester.”

These issues got me thinking about the peculiar trade-off that exists between player and character. Think of a game like Pac-Man. When a champion like Billy Mitchell achieves a perfect score, we don’t say, “Wow, you created a great character there. You put a lot into him.” The very statement is absurd; every player’s Pac-Man is the same as everyone else’s. Instead, all praise goes to the hands and eyes of the player himself. In contrast, when we watch the ways that various players have won the Mulmaster Beholder Corps battle in Curse of the Azure Bonds, we look for clues in the characters–their levels, their spells, their weapons, their movements. We’re aware that there’s a player behind it all, of course–perhaps a very intelligent and strategic one. But his success is slightly diffused by the imposition of the characters. We are aware that his strategy only “works” because of the allowances of the game. Perhaps most important, we are aware that we could have done the same thing, whereas no studying of his technique is likely to make most of us like Billy Mitchell.

It is for these reasons that I don’t think it’s really possible to be “good at” a game like Skyrim. Experienced, sure. Patient, definitely. But “good”–what does that even mean? Early in its existence, some players proudly posted images on Reddit of their characters clad in leather armor and wielding pick-axes (possibly the worst weapon in the game) killing dragons. I thought it was silly. Either the game has enough flexibility to allow you to do such a thing or it doesn’t. It says nothing about your skill as a player that you were able to do it except that you were willing to use the game’s resources to grind, or enchant that pick-axe, or improve that armor, or carry and drink a hundred potions, or whatever you did to make it possible.

I just bought Irene the Myst 25th anniversary collection for Christmas. That is a “good at” game. A player that possesses the strength of puzzle-solving to blaze his way to the end without any spoilers is an impressive player. But his end-game screenshot is the same as everyone else and the “character” of the game is essentially invisible, a no-one, a ghost.               

In many modern games, “uniqueness” extends quite literally to the character’s appearance.

            In case it’s not clear, I’m not particularly interested in being “good at” CRPGs. I don’t play them for competitive reasons. I play them to enjoy the strategy, tactics, world-building, plots, and sense of character development. I like a challenge, but only a modest one–a temporary bump in a game that, because of its very nature (particularly because of reloading), you’re almost certain to eventually overcome.

Many people prize the opposite. I suppose even I do, in different circumstances. The value of most competitive games is that everyone’s playing the same game under the same circumstances, with no real imposition of “character” between the player and the performance. A king in chess isn’t a “character”; he’s just a piece. You don’t give him a name, and he doesn’t acquire new abilities as he defeats pawns and levels up. When he moves to take a rook, there are no probabilities associated with the encounter. When he wins, all glory goes to the player who moves him.

When my king reaches the end of a game, on the other hand, I want him to be my king–a unique character that no other player has won with. I want my endgame screenshots to look different from everyone else’s. And in those screenshots you should be able to tell something about how I played the game. Was I careful or daring? Did I rely on brains or brawn? Did I favor equipment or skills? What role-playing choices did I make along the way?

To me, some of the worst RPGs are closer to chess. Your “character” is just a gambit that you’ve moving across the screen, offering you no sense of connection or identity. These are essentially arcade games with a few nods to RPG mechanics. We’ve seen a million of them: Caverns of Freitag, Gateway to Apshai, Sword of Kadash, Sword of Fargoal. Even worse is when the game offers RPG-style inventory and leveling, but at fixed intervals along a linear plot, so that “character development” is just an illusion and everyone does reach the end the same as everyone else.

The best RPGs, however, offer plenty of opportunities to make your character your own:            

Name

Selection of race, sex, alignment, and class

Attributes

Skills and talents

Inventories, especially those with multiple slots

NPC interaction, dialogue, and role-playing choices

Choice of what order in which to do quests and side-quests

Ability to grind, or not (only meaningful without artificially low level caps)

Customization of character appearance

Statistics, achievements, and trophies

                The multiplication of these various factors means that many modern RPGs feature characters as unique as the humans who create them, finally achieving some of the sense of ownership and identification that tabletop RPGs allowed from the outset.           

Every player may have had to do exactly what I did to win Ultima IV, but at least my name and the number of turns are unique.

          Camelot is an early game, and thus not as advanced in the originality of its characters. But of the single-player PLATO games, it comes the furthest. When I play it, I do not feel as if I am feeding so many characters into a meat grinder, as I did with The Dungeon, The Game of Dungeons, and Orthanc. Its allowances for stealth, magic, and multiple fighting styles, paired with the strategic nature by which you must explore dungeon exploration, create as close to a unique experience as anything we’re going to get for many years. If nothing else, the combination of items in the 13 inventory slots likely creates characters for each player that no one else has ever played.

I’ve put about 12 hours into the game since the last Camelot entry and I’ve gotten a lot more powerful–enough to take on dungeon Level 5 with relative ease–but it’s still slightly frustrating how long its’ taking to finish the game, much more so because I keep dying and resetting my score back to -99,999. But I recognize that it was designed for different players in different circumstances.

There was an interesting moment the other night where creator Josh Tabin happened to be logged into the system at a moment that I got stuck. I had teleported into a section of Level 4 that offered only one exit: a downward chute. Unfortunately, I had taken a Potion of Levitation upon beginning the expedition (you always want to use Scrolls of Protection, Potions of Cepacol, and Potions of Levitation at the outset of each expedition if you have them). It turns out that Levitation stops you from using chutes, even deliberately. The condition doesn’t wear off until you return to town. There were no other exits from the area, and I was out of Scrolls of Recall. The only solution I could come up with is to wait until the turn of every hour, when the dungeon levels respawn, and kill everything in the half-dozen rooms I had access to, hoping to get a Scroll of Recall at some point. But since Josh was there, I informed him of my trouble and he opened a secret door for me, then spent some time patching the game so that even if you’re under the effect of levitation, you can manually choose to take a chute.

Other things about the game since I last wrote:            

As I previously mentioned, the game occasionally gives you a specific monster to kill before it will let you level up. It’s very erratic. I had a period from roughly Level 10 to 20 where I got a quest every level. Then I didn’t get any at all between Levels 20 and 29.

A “Palantir” tells you at what level you can find the object of your quest. If you’re already on that level, it tells you the specific coordinates. Of course, if the hour turns while you’re still seeking the quest creature, everything resets. 

As you move downward, enemies get harder but rewards get better. Some of the magic item rewards are awesome. I’ve had a couple of Wands of Fire that completely clear out rooms in one turn. The problem is how frequently they require recharging and the expense thereof. The game’s economy is still excellent. I make a lot of tough choices between leveling up, recharging, and purchasing new items.

It turns out that items don’t have a fixed number of charges but rather a small probability of running out within any given use. High intelligence seems to lower this chance.

Some of the best items that you can find increase your attributes. Manuals and tomes increase them permanently by one point while various potions increase them temporarily for several points. I have maxed out my strength, intelligence, and constitution with these items, and I must be close on the other two.

         A Manual of Bodily Health raises my constitution.

         Scrolls of Taming, Orbs of Entrapment, and Wands of Charming all work on different creatures. I’ve learned that when I lose a companion (or one leaves), I want to head down to the lowest dungeon level on which I can survive to start hunting for another. About six hours into this session, I was able to charm a succubus, and it’s remained with me ever since–an extremely powerful ally.

I probably mentioned this earlier, but there are special rooms on each level that the creator calls “stud rooms.” They feature enemies 2-3 levels harder than the normal ones on the same level, but with rewards 2-3 times greater. Any new expedition needs to begin with clearly the stud rooms that you know you can clear.  

          In one of the “stud rooms.” Seven green dragons are a little much for me. The Scroll of Identification gives grim odds.

         There’s a magic item called a “Tardis” that resets the dungeon in between the normal hourly resets. It allows you to quickly hit the stud rooms multiple times in a row until it runs out of magic. It’s incredibly useful but back in the day when there were multiple players hitting the dungeon at the same time, it must have been very annoying for some of them.

              The two players on the leaderboard who have won the game both have Level 60 characters, so I assume that’s the game’s level cap. Thus, I’m halfway there. I probably won’t have much more to say about Camelot until I win, so hopefully I can get it done this week while I also wrap up Challenge of the Five Realms. I’ll say this for Camelot: it’s the first PLATO game that I’ve enjoyed lingering with, rather than blasting through it just to document its historical value.

Time so far: 40 hours

source http://reposts.ciathyza.com/camelot-what-makes-us-unique/

[notbang]

r/n + unconventional sleep aid

also on ao3

“I need to see you in my office. Now.”

Rebecca frowns, tucking her phone between her ear and shoulder in order to resume wiping down her countertop. “And good evening to you, too. Also, I don’t work for you anymore. Also, it’s 7 p.m.”

“I’m sorry, that was rude of me,” Nathaniel concedes. “Good evening, Rebecca—hope you’re well. I need to see you in my office. Now. Please.”

The call is terminated before she has time to come back with a witty rejoinder.

“Ugh, fine,” she says, tossing her washcloth in the direction of the back counter. “I’ll bite.”

She rolls her eyes as she steps into the elevator.

*

“I know we don’t see each other so much anymore, but dude. You still could’ve mentioned to me at some point that you adopted a baby.”

She’s not entirely sure what she expected from her gruff summons to the Mountaintop office, but Nathaniel with a small child balanced on his hip definitely wasn’t remotely in the zip code of it.

He shoots her a withering look in response. “This isn’t my baby,” he says. “This is your baby, so I’m going to need you to take her.”

Rebecca takes a pointed step backward when he moves towards her, angling his cargo away from his body and very clearly telegraphing his intentions to pass it over.

“Whoa, nuh-uh,” she says, holding up her hands to reject the transfer. “That is not my baby and you know it.”

“You helped make it,” he accuses.

“Hey, Heather carried it around in her Easy-Bake for nine months. If you’re going to play that particular card, you can call her.”

His expression shifts so quickly from pleading to miserable that she has to swallow back a laugh. Apparently resigning himself to his fate, he readjusts his awkward hold and checks his watch with an irritated flick of his wrist.

Rebecca finally steps out of the doorway, crossing the threshold into the office proper. It feels strange, being back here, and the hour and the lighting isn’t making it any easier. She surveys the room—there’s a portable cot half-kicked under Nathaniel’s desk, his phone still face up on the glass where he’d barked at her on speaker. Nothing that provides any real insight into what exactly is going on.

“So how did you get stuck with my strictly-biological offspring, anyway?”

Nathaniel’s body is making intermittent jerking motions that Rebecca isn’t entirely convinced he’s conscious of; when she realises it’s his absent attempt at rocking Hebby, she has to bite back her grin.

“I’m not entirely sure. Darryl rushed out of here—something about his other daughter and an unfortunate incident on the monkey bars—and since I’m the only person around here capable of putting in a little overtime without coercion—”

“The only one without a life,” Rebecca corrects. “Carry on.”

“—somehow, being the last person left in the office was all the babysitting qualifications required.”

“Well, I’m not sure what you need me for. It seems like you’re doing perfectly fine on your own.”

Nathaniel blinks. “You don’t understand. It won’t stop crying.”

“What are you talking about? She hasn’t made a peep the entire time I’ve been here.”

“Because I picked her up,” he says, like it’s an obvious issue. “As soon as I put her back in her little carrier thing, it’ll be back to uncontrollable wailing. She’s a baby—what does she even have to wail about? She’s too young to have problems.” He gestures at his chest with his free hand. “I have problems. They just got rid of the ChargePoint on Azusa. I’m the one that should be uncontrollably wailing.”

“I mean, have you tried again? She seems pretty settled to me.”

In lieu of a response, Nathaniel switches his hold on Hebby to a two-handed, under-arm grip. True to his word, the second she leaves the comfort of the crook of his arm she starts to fuss. By the time he’s depositing her in the tiny bassinet it’s progressed to what Rebecca has to concede is indeed a full-blown wail.

“You know, I spent a lot of time in this office,” Rebecca crouches in front of the carrier to whisper conspiratorially, “and I gotta say. I can relate.”

When she glances back up Nathaniel’s looking at her with something too much like eight months of memories in his eyes and she clears her throat, suddenly oddly grateful to have a baby as a buffer between them to fend them off.

“I’ll, uh… I’ll just…”

She dips to scoop up the wriggling, wauling mass of tear-streaked pink skin, fitting her to her shoulder in a way that feels slightly less unnatural than it did the last time, one hand wrapping around the back of the tiny, curly head on some kind of hesitant autopilot. Hebby gives the illusion of settling for approximately a millisecond before she’s squirming, her cries ascending in pitch until they’re bordering on a scream, arms extended to make uncoordinated grabby hands in Nathaniel’s general direction. More amused than perturbed, Rebecca holds her out towards him.

His smug look fades, and he only resists a moment before reluctantly taking back his charge.

It’s almost comical, the way Hebby claws her way up Nathaniel’s chest, clutching at the fabric of his clothes with frustrated, clenching fingers, as if she’s mad at him for setting her down to begin with, and she wants him to know it. But then she wipes her snotty face on the breast of his jacket and falls quiet, her plump rosy cheek pressed firm against his shoulder.

When she’s not busy being the one terrified at the prospect of caring for an infant, Rebecca supposes she can admit on some objective level that parenthood isn’t as entirely off-putting as she’d like to pretend. Or perhaps objectivity isn’t exactly something she can claim right now, given the treacherous flutter of endearment she’s currently experiencing in the face of another one of her former lovers looking distractingly paternal with a tiny human cradled in their arms.

Between the exhaustion, her ovaries and her overly complicated daddy issues, it’s like she barely stood a chance.

“Wow. The whole Mr Mom look kind of suits you.”

Nathaniel rolls his head away from her, dismissive and embarrassed. “I’m not… Kids aren’t my thing,” he says, clearing his throat.

“Well, neither. But Hebby here says you’re a liar.”

Figures, she thinks, remembering the way Greg had so similarly easily mollified her. Not everything is about the guys, girl, she feels like she’s going to need to caution, just as soon as the kid’s language skills are underway.

“She likes you,” is what she ends up saying aloud, softly, begrudgingly charmed by the chubby hand weakly fisting in Nathaniel’s burgundy tie.

“Well, she definitely didn’t get that from you,” he says, tone vaguely self-deprecating. He must catch something she wasn’t quick enough to conceal in her face because he immediately opens his mouth to backtrack. “I was just—”

“It’s fine,” she interrupts. Her teeth sink into her lower lip. “Actually, while I’m here, I kind of owe you an apology.”

His eyebrows crease up his forehead. “For what?”

It’s the first time they’ve properly seen each other since her recent spectacular nosedive, outside of tight smiles and lingering looks in the lobby. Now that they’re in an enclosed space together the metaphorical elephant in the room seems to be looming twice as high.

“For the other night. Thank you, for sending me home,” she says, with all the unnerving sincerity she can summon.

Nathaniel looks stricken, sucking in a steadying breath. “Oh. You don’t have to—”

“No, listen. My acting out could have played out so much worse if it weren’t for you and Josh, and I know it’s a low bar to set for basic human decency, but I also know what spiralling Rebecca can be like, and it’s not pretty—she’s kind of a manipulative bitch. You were trying to move on and me turning up on your doorstep was so far outside the realm of okay, Nathaniel—I am so sorry. Honestly.”

“Oh,” he says. “Okay. I appreciate it. Did you…” He trails off, wetting his lips, changing tracks mid-sentence from what she can sense he really wants to ask. “Did you get a good night’s sleep, at least?”

She thinks of the bench outside the outpatient centre, the crick in her back and the stiffness deep in her bones when she woke to Dr Shin shimmering in front of her like some kind of mirage. A lifesaver, coming to buoy her back to shore. “Yes,” she says, consoling herself with the sliver of truth behind the lie. “You saw how much I’d had to drink. Slept like a baby.”

Her gaze slides over the sleepy droop of Hebby’s own eyelids, and she can’t help but think of how much she doesn’t want any of this mess for her.

“Do you ever get sick of apologies?” she wonders out loud. “I kind of keep waiting for everyone to get tired of my broken record. I know I do.”

“I’ve never been big on them until recently,” Nathaniel says, offering her a small smile. “The novelty hasn’t worn off for me yet.”

He moves to lean against the edge of his desk, snapping ramrod straight again when Hebby immediately grizzles her protest. The minute he’s properly upright she makes a contented snuffling sound and he hitches her a bit further up on his chest, hesitating. “Can I just…”

“What?”

“I know you were hurting,” he says, swallowing hard, “when you came to my apartment. I know it wasn’t about me, or even Greg, really. I know that, I do. But I—”

“You want to know if I meant any of what I said,” she finishes for him.

She’s gotten stuck on that a few times, too. She isn’t sure she has a satisfying explanation for either of them.

“I was not in a good place. I felt rejected, and when I feel that way I lash out. And I go looking for that attention elsewhere. So I went to you, because I thought, ‘here’s a sucker that’s chosen me, every single time I’ve given him half the chance’.”

He exhales hard at that. “Ouch.”

“Yeah. Like I said—she’s a bitch. But as for what you’re wondering—the answer’s messy.” She tilts her head at him, giving him a sad smile. “I’d be lying if I said I didn’t think about you.”

His palm is rubbing back and forth across Hebby’s baby blue romper in broad, firm strokes, and if he wasn’t otherwise occupied she imagines he’d be subjecting the back of his neck to the same motion. They’ve spent enough time in the company of each other’s bodies to know their tics and tells.

“I’m starting to realise that life is made up of loose threads, and maybe I need to accept that I can’t untangle all of them. I just gotta let some of them dangle, and kind of catch on things until they fall out.”

He lets out a wry chuckle. “The knots on this one run pretty deep, huh?”

“I’ve got a couple of those,” she admits. “And the stab wounds to show for trying to stitch them back together. Sometimes I feel like I quit because it’s hard, but it’s only because I’m scared of it becoming a different kind of hard, you know?”

She needs to focus on something that isn’t Nathaniel’s imploring face, so she turns her attention to lightly stroking the back of Hebby’s squishy fist, unable to stifle the coo that comes out of her mouth unbidden when five tiny fingers wrap themselves around her pinky on unconscious reflex. The only thing she failed to consider was how much closer she’s brought herself to Nathaniel in the process.

“Hey, look at that—out like a light. You’ve got the magic touch.” She carefully extracts her finger and steps away, crossing her arms and regarding the now-fast asleep Hebecca with amusement. “I think,” she begins, grinning because she knows exactly how much he’s going to hate it, “that maybe, you remind her of Darryl.”

She doesn’t bother to tell him that she only meant it height-wise—the excessively put-upon sigh he makes a show of heaving in her direction is everything she’d hoped for and more.

*

Rebecca jolts awake to a stimulus she can’t remember, but she thinks it might have been someone calling her name.

She hadn’t meant to doze off, but politely turning away when Nathaniel had started humming self-consciously into the crown of a hiccuping Hebecca’s head had led to stretching out across his leather couch, and stretching out had led to closing her eyes for just a moment, and… well. At least one of them had been lulled into placation by his lullaby.

“No naps,” she mumbles with insistence. “I’m not napping.”

She pulls herself into some approximation of upright against the arm of the couch, and it’s only the motion of it slipping down that draws her attention to Nathaniel’s suit jacket and the way he’s draped it over her shoulders while she was sleeping. Wrapping her fingers around the dark blue wool of the lapel, she tugs it back into position, resisting the heady impulse to inhale.

Its owner is perched on the edge of the desk in front of her, exposed shirtsleeves haphazardly rolled up to his elbows, his face radiating a flattering fusion of exhaustion and warmth, and she has to actively tamp down on the burst of fondness that sets itself free in her chest at the sight of him.

“Hey,” she says, still groggy. “Where’s Hebby?”

“Darryl just left. He said to tell you thank you.”

“Who, me? I barely did anything. Except fall asleep, apparently.” She looks up at him, sheepish. “I’ve started some new medication, and… yeah. Inconvenient side effects.”

“Ah.” He smiles. “Well, I appreciated the moral support. Even if it was entirely lacking. Pleasant dreams?”

“Beat a park bench, that’s for sure.”

Ignoring his funny look and dragging herself to her feet with extreme reluctance, she holds his jacket in front of her like some kind of shield that will help her keep her messy feelings in check. “I guess I should, um…” She gestures towards the door.

“I think about you too,” he blurts out, then runs a hand over his face. “Not… I mean, I do, but that’s not what I’m trying to say. There’s a voice in my head, now, telling me to be better. And it kind of sounds like you.”

A giddy sense of pride effervesces in her bloodstream at that—for all their dysfunction, it’s encouraging to know there was some kind of positive takeaway.

“I’m honoured. Really. And it may not seem like it right now,” she says, nose wrinkling as she gifts him a tiny smile, “but the best part is when the voice doesn’t sound like anyone anymore. It just becomes… you.”

It’s too quiet, too intimate; the lamplight too invitingly low, and she needs to leave before she starts to unspool. She steps closer to him as if she’s moving through liquid, sure to come just short of invading his personal space, and when she presses the jacket back into his hands, she’s careful to not quite let their fingers brush.

“Goodnight, Nathaniel,” she says gently.

She stops herself from letting her gaze linger over her shoulder at him as she leaves.

mini fic prompt meme.

[pass-the-bechdel]

Crazy Ex-Girlfriend season three full review

How many episodes pass the Bechdel test?

100% (thirteen of thirteen).

What is the average percentage per episode of female characters with names and lines?

41.16%

How many episodes have a cast that is at least 40% female?

Seven, so just over half. Three of those are 50%+.

How many episodes have a cast that is less than 20% female?

Zero.

How many female characters (with names and lines) are there?

Twenty-four. Thirteen who appeared in more than one episode, five who appeared in at least half the episodes, and two who appeared in every episode.

How many male characters (with names and lines) are there?

Thirty-nine. Eighteen who appeared in more than one episode, seven who appeared in at least half the episodes, and one who appeared in every episode.

Positive Content Status:

Not nearly as good as you might expect or hope. As with previous seasons, the show’s most impressive content is not the feminist stuff at all, and on the feminist front it feels sometimes as if the show spends more time denouncing different aspects of the feminist movement as ‘the wrong kind of feminism’ than it does declaring and upholding the aspects it does approve. I tend to feel that it spends time talking the talk on women’s issues, but doesn’t often get up to walk the walk (average rating of 3).

General Season Quality:

Easily better than the previous two seasons, despite a deflated ending. It takes a much more focused approach to its storytelling in the beginning of the season, in a manner which briskly becomes refreshingly confronting and leads in to a powerful middle. Unfortunately, it never sustains quality for very long, and overall the show still suffers for being too easily distracted. It’s not infuriating, but it can be frustrating.

MORE INFO (and potential spoilers) under the cut:

Ok, let me explain something about myself first, something I’ve mentioned in other (non-Crazy Ex) posts which have gone live long before this one will, but for anyone who missed it in any of those other places, here it is: I am, right now, pregnant. In fact, I am pregnant with a child conceived non-traditionally with a gay friend of mine, and as such, Darryl’s non-traditional quest for biological parenthood in this season struck a very personal chord (though, unlike Darryl, I used the phone-a-friend option as my first choice, not a fallback. Would recommend, if it’s ever relevant to your life). I bring all of this up because I can categorically declare that there are certain plot threads that you absolutely will NOT have the same reaction to if you don’t have that very personal chord being struck, and even moreso if that chord is relevant to your life right now, rather than being something that you’ve experienced in the past but has since slipped from the forefront of your attention. Thus, when I talked about feeling like the emphasis was in all the wrong places for Darryl’s part of the narrative, and expressed irritation with Heather’s pregnancy and birth? I sure ain’t mad about it for no reason. I am extremely, extremely aware of what those processes are actually like right the heck now.

I’m not going to linger on all the details, but I am particularly annoyed at the writers for dropping the ball on the pregnancy/birth part, specifically because it’s something which is so often badly dramatised in tv and film already, and the writers not only know that, they openly reference it as if they’re somehow doing better. The same way that medical professionals sometimes find it too frustrating to watch hospital dramas because of all their inaccuracies, or someone in law enforcement might cringe their way through all the egregious breaches in procedure in a cop show, there’s always a significant risk that anything depicted in fiction will make you want to tear your hair out over the way the plot warps or disregards reality that is pertinent to your life, either through a lack of proper research or understanding of the subject matter, or a conscious choice to prioritise desired storytelling beats/developments over actual logic and realism. Suffice to say there are a LOT of concessions Crazy Ex-Girlfriend asked me to make to their storytelling with this little subplot, some of which most people who have never been pregnant wouldn’t notice, and yes, some of which I would probably dismiss if I were not in the midst of the reality right now. I’m someone who has been present at actual births before and has been raised with an above-average understanding of what’s involved, so I’m used to gritting my teeth and hoping to just not be too annoyed by the way pregnancy and birth is typically depicted on screen. The fact that I am currently immersed in the reality of preparing to give birth makes me less forgiving of fictional contrivances, yes, but in the case of this show’s approach, it’s also more than that: it’s the fact that this show actively promotes itself as a feminist text. And if you’re gonna do that, and criticise the way other things (”written by men!”) depict labour, but then you also choose not to include any education/empowerment of your pregnant character, rattle off a variety of (uneducated, disempowered) cliches anyway, and then handwave it all with ‘nevermind, she just got an epidural!’ as if that ‘solves’ the difficulties of birth (and post-birth recovery, for that matter), frankly that’s just...a really unimpressive failure of feminist storytelling. Congratulations, you neglected the subject completely, at the same time as actively claiming your intent to do better than all that written-by-men schlock out there! What a tiresome charade this turned out to be.

Setting that aside though (difficult for me, as I am...very preoccupied with it), there was actually a good lot of things to like about this season, even if I do still feel that I ultimately have more criticisms than I do praise. Having Rebecca actually reach crisis point in the form of a suicide attempt, and consequently getting a diagnosis for her mental disorder and finally being able to move forward in learning to live a balanced life with BPD? Frankly, it’s not a move that I anticipated, and if you’d asked me where I thought Rebecca’s mental health plot was heading, I probably would have just shrugged it off as an unfocused thread where the ultimate goal was just ‘figure out how to be happy on your own terms instead of defining happiness through someone else’ (which is solid advice, but generalised advice, not something that would require the show to commit to a genuine mental illness). Acknowledging that Rebecca’s behaviour comes from a more distinct source than just the nebulous idea of being ‘crazy’ is a vitally important development, and it ushered in some of the best storytelling the show has offered thus far, at least when the plot maintained steady focus and made an effort to be responsible and mature in its exploration of the issue. As ever, there were still times when the show used Rebecca’s mental state for comic relief in a manner which made me uncomfortable, and times when I couldn’t interpret the intentions of the narrative - I have come to the conclusion that this show and I are on completely different wavelengths, which makes us a bad match, regardless of any elements which I do appreciate. 

On the subject of things I appreciate, I’m going to discuss the true character highlight of the show, someone I wanted to talk about after last season, not realising that if I held off until this review instead, he was gonna wind up so terribly underused in the meantime that it’s almost weird that he’s still technically part of the main cast at this point: Josh Chan. Josh Chan is...kinda the most believable part of this show, both in the bumbling good-natured balance of the character himself, and in other character’s feelings about him. Being able to buy the idea that someone would give up their whole life as they knew it to chase after this guy is kinda important to selling the concept of the show from the outset, and honestly, Josh Chan is the only time I’ve ever seen a central male love interest for whom the hype seemed to make sense. Is he perfect? Not by a long shot, but that’s fine because ‘perfection’ is as conditional as it is unattainable. The problem with male love interests, often, is that they’re written by heterosexual men who treat the character as some kind of masculine wish-fulfillment, a combination of ‘guy I wish I could be’ and ‘guy I think women should want (me)’. Josh Chan is a great example of a love interest written by women for women: he displays positive masculine-coded traits (protective, physically capable), while rejecting negative, toxic-masculine elements (aggression, possessiveness), and he embraces key ‘feminine’ traits (non-threatening, kind, soft, emotionally expressive, family-oriented), while his flaws are unobtrusive and potentially even endearing (the main one is that he’s quite stupid, which is something a lot of straight women will happily admit to liking (at least in theory), and other traits such as Josh’s childish streak can be a source of joy under some circumstances, as well as being something Josh mostly keeps a hold on so that it doesn’t become a burden to his partners). Also, it would be remiss of me to neglect to mention how refreshing and meaningful it is to have an Asian male love interest. I really enjoy not being bored to death by Josh Chan, and I am annoyed at how little of him we got this season while we wasted time with that generic slice of white bread, Nathaniel. Bring back the Chan plots, season four. Do it for me.

[paperclipninja]

So during the two week hiatus of Younger I re-watched the entire series from the pilot up to the latest ep. And it’s been so interesting seeing the lead up to where we’re at now as far as Liza’s growth goes and her relationships with Josh and Charles. Naturally I have thoughts and feelings about this and what will follow is undoubtedly some form of rambling essay. I would also like to preface this by saying that while I am Team Charles all the way, I do pride myself on being objective when I watch shows and I legitimately like Josh, so this is just my interpretation of how things have gone down, am very open to alternative views and ideas.

Liza started off just trying to reestablish herself as a newly single mother who wanted to get back into the workforce, rediscovering her sexuality with Josh and gaining some confidence about her ability to go outside her comfort zone in general. The relationship with Josh was so pivotal for Liza in this transition from a clearly toxic marriage to a new life. It allowed her to really release herself from any of the shackles of her former life and be with someone who worshipped her in a way that she hadn’t experienced for a long time. Even after the rockiness of Josh finding out her age and them rekindling their relationship, his unrelenting sweetness and adoration of her served the purpose of showing her that while the workplace might be ageist, love isn’t. That Liza’s lie did not make her unworthy of an authentic life outside of the workplace. However this is also where, upon my re-watch, I noticed that as Josh reinforced this notion of Liza being accepted for who she is and she began to believe it, she also realized that she was not with Josh for the right reasons, that by being with him she was actually not being authentic. And suddenly there’s another lie she’s stuck in.

From the moment we began to see her dance with Charles, even before there was anything really going on, the fact her mind is drifting towards him is pretty telling IMO. It really struck me in the Summer Friday ep in season 3. I mean, I thought it before that but that’s when I suddenly went ‘oh no Liza, what are you doing’??? I’d never noticed the expression on her face when Josh is about to tattoo her. She is doing it for him. Not for herself. You can see it on her face as he starts tattooing. To be honest, by this point I found Josh’s ‘I love you just as you are except for the whole other life you had before me’ antics a bit exhausting, not to mention the glaring fact that it felt obvious Liza loved Josh for what he had done for her rather than what he could do for her moving forward. As her connection with Charles develops you can almost see Liza clinging to Josh because she knows that she can’t end up with him in the long run (and yes also because of the kids thing, which is pretty significant) but doesn’t want to lose what he represents or hurt him. It’s as though she feels she owes it to him (let me be clear, I’m not doubting she loved him) because he was such a big part of her moving on from her previous life. 

Now I also want to clarify that while I’m staunchly Team Charles, I do not hate Josh. Quite the opposite. I actually really loved him. But I hate what the writers are doing to him. If the purpose of his character has been served then he needs to be moved on and developed or if they want a legitimate love triangle then he also needs to grow. His character has stagnated so much that IMO he is becoming unlikable because all he does is wallow and pine for Liza, despite her very clearly telling him there is no romantic future for them. I get that they want to create this whole ‘love triangle’ thing, but when one corner of that triangle is just constantly bringing up past betrayals and hurt in some kind of perverted attempt to guilt Liza back into his arms, then it is undoing the goodness of his character that we all saw in the earlier seasons. And to me at least, I don’t see this inability to let go as romantic, I see it as not respecting the woman he claims to love and letting her move on to find her own happiness. And just as an aside, Josh has lived in the city for a long time, where are his other friends? I mean, I totally get hanging out with your room mates but he only hangs out with Liza’s friends. Where are his own? This isn’t meant to sound snarky, it legitimately bothers me that any friends he had prior to Liza have seemingly evaporated. But I digress...

As the relationship between Charles and Liza unfolds, you see the connection through similar interests and being able to banter and challenge one another on equal intellectual footing grow (not to mention there was clearly a physical attraction there). But it’s almost like the development of this relationship is the reverse of the relationship with Josh. With Josh it’s purely physical at the beginning and even when all the truth is out in the open and despite the fact he is wonderful, the realisation that Liza is not being true to herself by being with him slowly dawns on her. There are needs of hers he cannot fulfil just as he has needs she cannot fulfil. But with Charles, as the connection grows deeper and the physical aspects become stronger, Liza realises this could be the real deal, that actually they could fulfil what the other is looking for, but the truth is not out in the open.

I know there is an argument that Josh loves her just as she is, but I believe the big realisation for Liza about Josh this season has been that as a romantic partner, he is not enough for her. Yes, she loves him, but she’s not in love with him. I don’t know if it was the intention of the writers or not, but this season we, as viewers, are having our conditioned view of these kinds of shows, where the female protagonist should be falling over herself to be with the guy who relentlessly pursues her, challenged. As I said earlier, Liza has been clear with Josh about where she stands and how she views her relationship with him and I really hope that they don’t backtrack. Again, not because I’m anti-Josh but because I’m pro-Liza and all for a show having the balls to show a relationship transition from romantic to platonic in a realistic way (which is what I’m hoping we’re in the midst of witnessing right now). 

Which brings me to the current situation. This week’s episode, when Liza strode into that office with the manuscript...THAT is what I’ve been waiting for these past few seasons. This was Liza’s ‘I’m done pretending. This is me, take it or leave it’ moment. 

It also really highlighted to me the way the lie had led to such a power imbalance in her relationships. With Josh, it played into the whole trying to appease him and getting tattoos she didn’t really want, but that power imbalance then shifted to her trying to get him to match her on levels other than the physical and it was sort of as though she had to hide that intellectual side or her desire for that sort of connection in order for him not to feel inadequate. Basically, I feel like she was almost protecting him like an older sibling or mother would. And with Charles, the intellectual connection was clearly there, but Liza had to play down her competency in other areas and so he was holding the power as someone who had more life experience (the way she did with Josh) in addition to also being in a position of power at work as her boss.

And that is why I am loving this season so much. The fact that Charles said he was relieved when he found out her real age shows that he was aware of the imbalance of power on some level and had been struggling to reconcile how that could be overcome if they were together. And It’s not just about age, it’s about experience. I believe that for him, connecting with someone so deeply when their life experiences seemed poles apart was baffling. In episode 4 this season, when Liza confronts Charles in his office after he crashes the meeting with Don, this might sound crazy, but that is one of my most favourite exchanges between them ever. It was only as I watched it that I realized that this was the most equal and honest interaction I think I’ve ever seen. Up until now, Liza has been ‘playing’ the 27 year old and in playing that part, would not have stood up to Charles in the same way (which is a whole other thing, because Kelsey would have so it’s not to do with the age, it’s to do with the persona Liza had attached to the 27 year old version of herself). But as a 41 year old she can confidently call him out on his bullshit behaviour and does so and even though that exchange is angry and heated, both of them meet each other in the middle and hold their own ground. 

So now, after the silver suit boss moment, we’ve been left with Liza taking back her power once and for all I believe. It’s what makes the possibility of her and Charles so exciting, the legitimately equal partnership in which both can be who they are and respect what each brings to the dynamic. I really do believe it could be one of the most exciting pairings we’ve seen if done well. I know shows fear putting two leads together but they could be a powerhouse and really take the show in a different direction as a couple. But most importantly, it’s such a satisfying and wonderful way to see this character finally shake the idea that the lie makes her deserving of unhappiness or pain. I feel like Liza is going to be ok now, whatever they do from here on.

[aleatoryalarmalligator]

Life Story 114

Spring was getting warmer again. I spent more or my days outdoors. I kept up with my appearance, I bought new dresses. It was 2012 and according to the Mayan calendar and the conspiracy theories that came with, this would be the last year of my life. I continued to be and do all the things I thought Josh wanted me to be and do.

Josh had scared Allison away by calling her a bitch over the phone and blaming the whole David-Whitney fiasco on her. He had definitely dealt her a very unfair card. We talked about that a lot. He felt very sorry to have her out of his life. I worried that Josh was growing bored of me. I could only ever be me after all. Things between him and I were always so analytical. We played a strange intellectual power game with one another night after night. We definitely got something from these interactions. But I didn't seem allowed to be fun most of the time with Josh. He didn't take interest in me in that way. Occasionally he would joke with me, but only on his end. I felt like I was trying to fit in his world in a way that didn't always work with me sometimes, but I enjoyed being around him all the time and being his special friend.

Josh indirectly asked me to convince Allison to come back over for visits to the madhouse every here and again. Deep down, I didn't want to do this. I had fought to get to this point where it was just him and I and I was finally living a life where I felt I had my own thing, but I also knew this was unrealistic that Josh and I could live in this static existence with one another. And maybe it was inevitable that Allison and Josh would be friends again. Was it healthy for me to try to stop that from happening? I felt like I needed to trust Josh with Allison. And honestly, I wanted to make him happy. So I started talking to Allison about Josh during the days. I told her how sorry he was. That he was doing a lot better mentally (debatable), and that it wouldn't hurt if she just came over to visit me in my room every here and again. Prior to this, she had set a resolve to never talk to Josh ever again. I broke that resolve.

I brought her over to my house one evening, texted Josh and let him know she was there. He was at his best. He danced, he became humorous and entertaining. And Josh and Allison were on good terms once again. Of course, this spelled the end of many a night that Josh and I had alone together. Things didn't seem charged the same way that they had. Perhaps it was unwise of me to bring Allison back in the picture for that reason. Josh no longer seemed as attracted to me. He seemed more bored of me. I was in denial of that fact. It didn't matter how long I went between meals or what new dress I wore eventually or  how doughy I could make my eyes when I looked at him. It eventually was never enough. And it wasn't because Allison was taking that away from me exactly. The boredom was happening anyway. Josh expected entertainment a lot of times from guests and roommates. I wasn't able to be a new person. So I used my influence to resurrect Allison. And in many regards their friendship was somewhat new. Allison was coming at it from a different perspective. She wasn't infatuated with Josh anymore. They bounced jokes off one another. It was lighthearted.

I felt frustrated though, because Josh talked to Allison with more respect than he did towards me. I didn't know how to pinpoint it exactly. It just felt bad, and possibly a little hurt or jealous. I felt diminished inside. I would sit quietly and feel like a third wheel as they joked around and so forth. We all made jokes about Whitney and David. It was a way to stave off the fucked-upness of the situation. Josh acted completely different towards me when it was me and someone else. He clearly didn't want other people to know what our relationship was actually like – but how do you even approach that with your little sister who knows nothing about what has gone on, and when Josh himself hadn't exactly made any real commitments to me. It made me feel crazy, and insecure. He really was convincing too in making it seem like we were just casual chums – there was no mention of anything we talked about alone, no indication that he ever talked to me that way. He talked to me like I was Allison's boring sister that he barely knew. He treated me so much differently when we were accompanied by other people that I began to feel like I was harboring a secret on Josh's behalf – but if I stood up and tried to say something it would have made me look like a fool. He didn't want other people to know about what we talked about or how we engaged in conversation. But it was too hard to explain it to people anyway, even if I had become dead set on it. The shift was too smooth, and Josh apparently knew how to act. And perhaps this is how Josh designed and wanted things to be. I tried to take it as a compliment – like maybe we had something going on that other's simply were too stupid to grasp. I mean, granted too, it wasn't exactly like Josh should have to bare his soul to everyone at every party each night. And I liked having Allison around again. She was acting somewhat normal this time around.

I was of two minds on the topic. I felt weird about it. As Allison's sister, I partly felt like Josh didn't deserve to have her in his life. Her resolve to never speak to him again had been rational and meaningful. But Josh had wanted her around again, and I had wanted her around too on some level, so I caved. I had to go out and get the thing for Josh that he wanted, and what he wanted was Allison to be around again. I felt weird too because Allison took a lot of glee in the special treatment. She was wiser to Josh's egotistical nature of showering people with random affections at opportune times, but she enjoyed having some kind of social leverage over me, her older sister. I often times felt I was the butt end of their jokes, which would not have bothered me if I didn't know that Allison still had issues with me, and Josh was using that weakness between us to see what I would do. In fact, it became clear that Josh knew that he could bend jokes around me and use Allison's resentments towards me to make a lot of jokes about me that weren't exactly fair. They were funny, and I laughed, but the context was fucked up and I guess I was trying really hard to be what Josh wanted and to not ever make him mad. I didn't feel like I could just make jokes about either of them. He had made me too afraid to make jokes when Allison wasn't around. I didn't know which version of Josh I should honor, the one that joked with Allison when she came over, or the one I knew when he and I were alone. And besides, there was something strange about how often I was the butt end of the joke. Like, what was it about me that made me such a target? I felt outnumbered and declawed. I couldn't fight either of them off, either due to a lack of quick reaction wit, or feeling like my contribution to the conversation would spark real anger in either one of them. I just felt like a thumb.

I would go downstairs after these visits and I would feel deflated, and dare I say it, somewhat jealous. I would shut the door and the smile would turn to dismayed disappointment. I just wasn't as 'fun' as Allison. And I had nobody else. It might have been fine had I had other friends in my life. I tried not to let it get me down. Jealousy is such an ugly thing – and it made me feel gross to be feeling it towards my sister. I was better than this. I just shut it down whenever I felt it, or shamed myself into submission. If I merely accepted that I deserved to feel badly, then it made sense. It was my coping mechanism I suppose to take absurd amounts of responsibility. Josh wanted me to feel jealous. He was playing a game with me, and in off ways he was letting me know. He wanted to push buttons and pull strings to see what I would do. I had given him a lot of power over my psyche, and he couldn't not abuse the privilege he had to take advantage of that fact. He often times aimed jokes against me in poor taste, but Allison didn't see it. She was a combination of extremely naive, frustrated at me in some subconscious manner, and seeing Josh do what he was doing became a social norm. I felt like Josh was coming between me and Allison intentionally. And there was nothing I could do to stop it. Some nights I just cried myself to sleep, felt stupid about having taken things to the extremes my mind took them, and then shut down emotionally. It was hard to live that way.

Then Josh stopped getting me after work. He just started to forget about me. I would wait in the dark night of the parking lot for hours hoping blindly that a distant light of a vehicle would be his. Josh didn't let me have his number so I could never text him. I just waited and waited. I was afraid to leave the parking lot because if he did come to pick me up and I wasn't there it would inconvenience him. So I would wait for an hour and a half. Then, upon realizing that Josh was not going to be coming to get me, I would begin the five mile march home. These late night walks home became the saddest and loneliest walks I had ever experienced. After working for ten hour shifts, and often times having walked the five miles to work that morning, I was completely exhausted by the time I got home. My feet ached, my body shook. I felt abandoned, and soaked with dish pit water and grease. I felt ugly.

I remember experiencing this indifference for the first time. I tried to figure out what I had done to deserve it. It just turned out that more often then not, Josh simply didn't care enough to come and get me. He no longer had anything to prove to me. He felt very inconvenienced by picking me up and so he stopped. He didn't want to tell me he wouldn't do it though – and I never got a clear answer for if he would be there or no. He wanted to keep me guessing. It was his way of exerting control I guess. By the time I came home from work, it would be about one in the morning. Josh would still be awake. He would be focusing obsessively on his computer screen, and he would be surrounded by empty cans of beer. He would be jovial or sad, and completely indifferent to the walk I just came back from, or the fact that I had to get up in five hours and start walking to be at work on time that next morning. He was just happy to have me there so he could talk about himself – I didn't exist outside of his utilized intentions and concepts of me as I related to him. I must have really loved Josh. I would comply to whatever he wanted and sit at his feet and listen to him talk about himself for hours into the night.

Sometimes walking home at night my senses would return to me. What was I doing with myself? But then this would be replaced with a fear I couldn't even name. I would feel this deep feeling in my chest. I wanted to panic or die. I continued to walk, but sometimes I had to hold my hand up to my mouth to prevent myself from screaming. I was terrified. I felt like I had been emptied out inside. There was something so hideous growing inside of me, something caving in. I couldn't take this life anymore. I was a nothing now. I had given something precious and irreversible up and nobody even cared. I was disgusting. My life was this charade and I had to act this part, and the only way I would ever get out of this sick existence is if I won. If I finally matched perfection. I didn't know how much longer I could do it, and ultimately, I felt that this feeling I must have had only indicted me as guilty further. A third voice would kick in, demanding I hold myself together. Third voice person would smile at my own fatigue and unstable panic. It reminded me of all the other times I had existentially died inside, from adolescence to the present, and yet I always came back stronger. I was going to get my way in life. I had no other choice. But I was jealous and sick and weak. I didn't deserve what I had. But I wasn't going to stop until this life broke me or I got what I wanted. I was too proud to give up.

This gave me this weird panicked feeling of determination and excitement. I felt like crying, but I also smiled behind that. Honestly, I felt like I was going crazy. I knew I should be mad at Josh for not coming to get me, but maybe this really was my fault. By the end of the walk though, even these defensive measures had given way into another sort of emptiness. For the last leg of my walk, I was simply hollowed out. All emotion had been squeezed from me. Who was I? Did it even matter? I was just a hunk of flesh headed home. There was no rhyme or reason for anything. I just wanted to curl up and die.

But as soon as I got home, though my feet were blistered, and my legs shaking from over exertion, my face scorched with the fear and sadness I had felt all night, there was a warm heat that radiated from the front door and I would walk through and I no longer felt alone. I felt embraced with a feeling of home, and all resentment would leave me. I would be filled with love. Josh would turn and he would smiled at me excitedly,  as I shoved back the corrupt notion that Josh didn't give a fuck about me, the most painful thought in the world, and I would chastise myself for being overly sensitive and letting myself have such a thought, for not being fun enough. The notion of asking him why he hadn't picked me up was only further indication that I wasn't 'fun' enough. I hadn't reached Josh's level. He seemed to have a notion that people had to reach his level, and it seemed to me that I could never get there. What was wrong with me? I didn't need to inconvenience Josh with the fact that he had left me at work to walk five miles, or ask why. What was important really was that we were here together now. And I had made the effort to be with him. Had I really thought that being close to someone like Josh was going to be easy after all? Did I think that loving someone wasn't going to require commitment and hard work on my part? Did Josh really need to pick me up anyway? What made me feel that I had to take his time up like that? Maybe if I made him love me more, he might be more persuaded to get me. I swallowed all of it, and I gave in to the moment. Josh's manic eyes glowing at me. I let go and I played my part, and I was happy just to be in Josh's good graces. If there was any trace of depression in me, he addressed it and he had this cunning way of approaching the core element of my weakness as a person. He gave me ideas to better realize myself and my inner intentions. It all made sense in the moment. It was articulate and clear. When I sat there thinking about what he had said, he then would say something random and funny and I would lose my train of thought completely. I felt half drunk from exhaustion and happiness by the end. And when he was eventually tired I would let him go to bed, and I would go to sleep and do it all again the next morning.

I felt like I was going insane.  I felt like I was losing my idea of myself, which both liberated me to be anything and anyone, but also condemned me to always be nothing in such a solid and empty way it left me feeling ambiguous about my own well being. I felt disoriented, like I was falling. And I was obsessively in love with Josh who was simultaneously the only person in the world grounding me, and the very same person who seemed intent on pulling me apart. There was such a wonderful joy inside my chest when I saw or thought about Josh. It really and truly felt like my heart was going to just burst open in my chest sometimes. It scared me, to have someone who had that much power over me. I doubt Josh even properly understood that this was what I felt. In any case, I would never be able to explain that. It made me feel even more crazy. Because nobody else I had ever known had ever explained love being like that. I knew from music and books that it was explained in such away, but the people in my actual life never felt love like that. So either what I felt wasn't love or nobody I knew actually was in it. Either way, it was isolating. And I guess what drove me down the hardest was the knowledge that, whatever was imerging felt like a new breed of craziness that I eventually might not have the power to control anymore. Like, I knew in my blood that this whole thing would not be sustainable. And I wanted with every fiber of my being to not only stabilize, but find even more momentum. I felt like I was selling bits of my sanity everyday, just to keep the world in place. It was killing me.

Then a situation happened where Sarah, well into her pregnancy that early spring, was visiting one night at Josh and Zack's parents. People gathered around her in those pregnancy days, promising they would give Sarah all the help she would ever need. In her eyes she looked vacantly lost. She seemed a contradiction to me, even from afar. Randy (Zack's father), was proud that Sarah would be giving birth to a son. Zack's mother had become obsessed. It would be a way to carry the bloodline or whatever of their last name. It seemed to relate to an obsession they had over their son in general. Zack didn't have to be a good person. He was Randy's boy. He was Cindy's boy. Zack had officially done something splendid in their eyes for getting Sarah pregnant. He was congratulated always for it. As if getting a girl pregnant was really so hard.

At this party that Sarah was attending at Josh's parents, Josh was invited there. I don't think he had seen a lot of her in those months. But upon seeing her  in her later pregnant state sitting across the dining room table doing her best to compose herself against the fear and absurdity that at times I am sure hit her all at once, he suddenly became obsessed all over again. Sarah ballooned up in his mind. He had never seen anyone so beautiful. In his mind I think, that night he saw her pregnancy as somehow relating to him. Somehow he felt responsible, as though he was the father, and he promised himself ultimately that he would earn his rightful place as the father. It made no sense, but it wasn't something that could be dismissed.

At first, I didn't know what had happened. Josh talked in abstracts about the night because of course I had not been there and Josh didn't say anything to me the way a normal person might. He seemed to believe that I knew what he meant. That I had been planted there in his life so that he may stay connected to Sarah. It was really quite terrible. He didn't use anyone's name, and he made sure I couldn't confirm anything. He talked at length about his purpose, about a lot of things that wouldn't make sense unless you knew Josh as well as I did. I knew Josh's inner language, and I had the map of his inner thoughts in mind. I read his abstract self-talk and knew that he was obsessing with Sarah again. I gathered that in his mind, he believed that Sarah had given him indication that 'she knew that he knew that they were meant to be together' and that all of this was one grand opera in which we were all intentionally playing the parts we were playing to prove our points, but in the end, Josh's character would stand in the spotlight with Sarah's character, and they would descend together into the darkness as a couple for eternity. It was unrealistic. It was stupid. But who was I to really talk? Was my obsession with Josh really so different? How could I blame him for his feelings when I also harbored fantasies of the unobtainable.

Josh in fact had me convinced that Sarah was leading him on – intentionally I suppose, due to a spiritual bond that Josh felt the two of them had forged. This was appalling to me. At first I laughed it off, but Josh's rambling and explanations after a few hours had me convinced that Sarah was now indeed pursuing Josh as well. It made me sick to be honest, it made me want to die. She had left me alone, and I was just developing something for myself and here she was, back to steal it away from me. After awhile, I didn't even feel like I could trust Sarah. She might say one thing and not even consciously realize that she genuinely meant another. One must remember that she had gauged my mind out of my head a little less than a year back when she had hooked up with Zack, and deep down I have always suspected that the value that was placed on Zack was due to my romanticized interest in him. And what the biggest threat with Sarah was, that she lived with a sort of self denial in her heart about a great many things, and then she would randomly react to the pressure she put on herself to stay unaware and she would do something rash and selfish, like how she had approached her feelings for Zack. I had devoted so much to Zack's memory and his ego, and I wondered at times if Sarah got jealous a little about any kind of attention I might receive from a guy I liked. I could more or less forgive that being a natural inclination, something deeply ingrained in her that she could not help. What I struggled more with was how she didn't have the ability to conceptualized what had happened. She was intent on not seeing the situation as a pattern that could be external to anyone else. She was very proud in that way. It made her untrustworthy. I felt like she might unintentionally be talking to Josh to size him up, and size my power in my newly formed situation.

Of course, Sarah hadn't done much. She was seven months pregnant and glowing, but also dark, somber, lonely, uncertain. It would be hard for her not to be the conversation piece at the table – given her demeanor and her disposition.  Josh was out of his wits. Perhaps and quite likely, the situation between Josh and I was too real. He liked the control he had over me, but he wasn't comfortable with the control I might have over him. The amount of intimacy required was the reason he liked me, and the reason he rejected me. It was too real for him, disarming. He couldn't make up his mind about me, and the idea of him liking me made him uncomfortable. It was one of those things he just wouldn't ever admit to himself – but I know he did secretly like me, as much as he possibly could have. Sarah could be someone who was out of his reach, someone he could obsess over and focus on 'earning' who would always reject him. She made the ideal candidate for someone he could 'gamble' and waste himself away on. And Josh sort of thrived off of rejection in some sick fashion. He only ever wanted what he didn't feel he could ever have. He liked to think of love as a numbers game where you remain in control. It was very contradictory to other facets of his personality, which was why I was able to get to know him – I played off his contradictions. And What he saw in Sarah had very little to do with who Sarah actually was. Had Sarah magically fallen in love with him I am more than certain Josh would have ducked. He didn't really want the responsibility of love. But he saw something empty there, something that could never be, and he ran with it and decided to build his castle on that loose sand.

  This fucked with my self worth badly. Because he just didn't seem that interested in me anymore. Had I done something wrong? Was I not pretty enough? Was I still too fat? I could never be Sarah. And having her as a complication between Josh and I hurt me in so many ways. It ripped off the scab of my old wounds that I had just gotten over. I thought that I had moved past a world where I was always in a love triangle with Sarah. Sarah would always be better than me though, at least it seemed very clear to me then. I had to resign myself to truly understanding that I was not as valid or as valuable as her as a person. What she had done to me hadn't mattered, nor did my hard work. A year of dieting, starving, puking and exercising was about as good as the effort she put forth at a single dinner party to make a few people laugh. When I was around her with other people I loathed myself. I felt sick with self hatred. And I hated feeling like that. Somewhere in there, Sarah had been my best friend, the one person I could feel understood by. And it felt like men in my life wanted to ruin that friendship. It felt like no matter what I did, if I ever fell in love with someone, they would always fall in love with Sarah . She was more socially endearing, more clever and pretty. She was a mother now, and in her current state she seemed to have gained a sort of elegance and composure that motherhood sometimes bestows on people that of course I would never have. I had raised my siblings basically, but there was no reward in that. Nobody saw me as a mother, or a survivor even. It was an afterthought. I felt undervalued in that sense. I had and might never bring another person into this world, but I had tried my damnedest to make something meaningful from the nothingness of our family to give to my younger siblings.

All in all, this left me in pretty bad shape. Josh had no interest in getting me after work now, and all he wanted to do was talk about Sarah. I would walk in and his back would be turned against me, as he hunched over his computer looking at every single thing Sarah said or did on facebook. I sometimes wanted to tell him that I didn't want to hear about it – but that seemed desperate and out of line. I wanted his love to be for me, and I guess I didn't feel like I had the right to ask for it. Love either happens or it doesn't. I wanted Josh to be in love with me, but now that Sarah was in the picture, it was honestly becoming apparent to me that I never would have Josh's complete love – and he would by extension always see me as a way to get to Sarah. It made me sick to my stomach. I worked in that restaurant for eleven hours, I would come home, and this was my world. I never felt it was my right to say anything. He went on sometimes for six hours straight. After awhile, it almost felt like there was another Sarah second to the real deal. His obsession with his version of who he thought Sarah was was so complete and I had to listen to his ideas about that version of her so much, it was confusing to see the real Sarah, the one I actually grew up with and knew deeply and in real life better than Josh ever could. The one who was even in our separated state, still probably the best friend I ever had. I would see her, and I would feel vastly confused. It was hard at times to make the distinction between Josh's version of Sarah and the real thing. I felt threatened by both. I felt worthless compared to both. And on the outset, it made it a lot harder for me to come to terms with Sarah and the way she had treated me.

Melissa, Josh's sister, she tried a few times to convince Sarah to date Josh when they were talking at the parent's house. In her mind, the pull to be in a relationship had to be financial. In Melissa's mind, Sarah was very vulnerable. She was pregnant, with a loser that Melissa knew all too well. Perhaps Sarah wanted some financial stability? She tried to sell her brother half jokingly to Sarah as a breadwinner, given that Josh had a decent enough job compared to some – obviously he was by default a gem compared to Zack. Sarah declined the half-joking, half serious deal. Sarah was not pulled in by money, I don't think it even tempted her. Nor do I honestly think it was of any real virtue that she possessed that kept her clear of Josh. I don't think she had processed much of her life at all – and if there could have been anything to sell to her, it would have been clarity through the murky confusion she was living in. I think the real and simple plain truth to her disinterest in Josh was because he just wasn't her type, it wasn't because I loved him because I don't think that either Sarah, or love can be trusted entirely, though I am sure that didn't help his case at all. She wasn't sexually attracted to him and she didn't really appreciate what was  there or was not. It probably wasn't even fair, but as it is pretty clear to anyone who's ever experienced these types of deals, romance is not very fucking fair. Sarah thought of Josh as a lame creepy nerd, a likeable and entertaining one, but not someone she could imagine herself with. There was no hope for him.

And really, that was probably how Josh wanted it. At first, despite my intense confusion and jealousy, I felt badly for him. Just being a human being who had experienced failure and rejection, I had to see his condition and situation as being unfair to him beyond my personal bias. I understood Sarah's failings in seeing Josh's positive qualities. Years later, someone we both worked with pointed out that Sarah's type was Han Solo. It was funny, but I guess there is some truth to that. And Josh was no Han Solo.

                Sarah and I didn't talk much, but I really felt like I had to discuss that party with her. Maybe I thought she could stop Josh from liking her somehow. I was desperate. I felt like everything I had been silently working on had been torn down. I felt like I was singing 'Jolene' to her, and maybe I was. I felt and knew that Sarah could have anyone she wanted. At her stage in pregnancy, her personal hardships and her current situations at hand, wanting men was the last thing on her mind and she was probably too sad and confused to even grasp the concept in some strange way, but despite it all, I felt like her whims drove her and she could change gears at any time – which has some validity. At any day she may wake up and want power over someone, and if she wanted it, I knew Sarah could get it. She may or may not grab at something consciously, but she didn't even seem all that aware of herself. She seemed shocked by her own certainty in decisions. How could I trust that she wasn't trying to take Josh away from me if she was not self aware. I wanted her to be self aware, somehow. There was something about the way Sarah was. She just wielded a certain social agency with people. I never had that agency. All I felt like I could do was beg Sarah to stop. But what was Sarah even doing? Should she stop being herself, simply because I was too insecure and mistrusting to hand it?

Sarah didn't get it. Her response to me was pert and vague and laced with denial. She told me that I was wrong about Josh having a crush on her, that I was mistaken. Josh didn't actually have a crush on her. She assumed he had a crush on Whitney. She refused to believe otherwise. This seemed wildly unfair to my common sense, since I lived with Josh and I talked with him multiple hours every night. But me explaining what was transparent and factually stated to my face had no affect on her whatsoever. It felt like she was just rejecting inconvenient information. I felt choked in my desperation to make her understand. But of course, what would Sarah understanding my situation bring to me? I guess I was just that desperate.

She also told me I was wrong when I told her that at times it seemed like Josh had feelings for me. Yes, there was no concrete evidence, and perhaps there never would be. How could I explain this stuff to anyone? They were vague little behaviors and nuances he displayed and how he treated me. I knew deep down what it all meant. I wanted it to mean more than it meant – that much is true, but it was real and it was there. I lived with Josh. I had spent enormous amounts of intimate time with him. Nobody had ever gotten that close to me before What we were wasn't exactly a platonic friendship – and the world might never have understood, and it would just sound to people like I was crazy, but I knew. I found myself momentarily furious at Sarah. Who was she to tell me what Josh did and didn't feel? In my paranoid brain, I was inclined to trust her less for that. What motive would she emotionally have to say that Josh didn't like me? Because she was never around us. How could she know?

I guess I was getting a fuller sense of where Sarah had gone to psychologically. She didn't accept information that didn't convenience her or imply that she had some level of control in any given situation. Obviously this came from a deep seated sense of fear she had, maybe pride was also a motive. She flat out didn't want to talk about anything abstract, be it the future, the past, emotions, morality, even if I laced the conversation with humor, you could watch her face become solemn and nervous, and she would walk away. She only wanted to focus on the present tasks at hand. She didn't want to question why anymore – she was essentially a pregnant broken robot. It was at this point that I started to wonder if perhaps the circumstances we had both gotten ourselves into that entire year had not wounded her worse than it had me. Which, to me was hard to imagine. I had been the one who had visibly lost out on just about everything. I saw current self as a new face in a lot of ways. I had to pull myself out of that situation with my boot straps, and I was and would forever be destabilized because of it. I looked inside myself, behind my obsession with Josh, behind my focus on being beautiful, on working hard, on some ideal future I would always pine for, and I felt this black sick emptiness that made self destruction so easy, preferable in some way even. There was never going to be any turning back for me after all of that.

But on the other hand, perhaps I was better off than Sarah after all. No matter how much it hurt me or made me sick, I was facing all the bad that had been thrown at me. Slowly but surely I was developing a sense of humor about it all. I had learned to acclimate myself to new levels of disappointment, and I was managing to do this, grit my teeth, smile through my manic loneliness and carry on with only the audience in my head cheering me forth. In a lot of ways, I was starting to see my own mental instability as a journey for something deeper – it wasn't something I could avoid, and I had to experience it. Truly, though I was desperate, foolish and young, I was much wiser than I had been two years previous. Like, in some strange way, suffering had brought me closer to what it meant to be a human being. I felt like a bigger picture, a greater acceptance for myself and the world, though still out of my reach, was a glimmer in the night sky. It was sometimes hard to feel good about life, but there was something growing in me. I couldn't really decipher what it all meant. I applied a lot of Josh's position in my life as a reason for that glimmer of hope at the end of it all, combined with my newfound awareness that I was probably suffering with something similar to bipolar which meant I was bound to see everything in a state of glory at times, but honestly that was a combination of wishful thinking concerning Josh, and hardly fair to my growth as a person for the later. I knew I was alone, and I was the only one that truly knew what it meant to be me. I felt like suffering had taught me a lot about love as well. I was capable of loving more fully than I otherwise would have been had 2011 not hit me so hard in the face. And it felt good and bad at the same time. Everything did. I was for better or worse, very much awake.

But Sarah had blanked out. She wasn't taking in new information. She had become deadened somehow. She huffed and puffed with her large pregnant belly at work, and complained about her swollen feet, and was friendly with coworkers. I started to suspect that she avoided me, not out of resentment for me as I had previously suspected, but because what it meant for her to survive this was to avoid my thinking patterns. I have a tendency to break things apart to inspect each aspect of it all. And Sarah was brittle and afraid and numb. She didn't want to be challenged. If she started wondering too hard about why she was doing anything at all anymore, she would break to pieces. And it had always been a game for me to ask why, to encourage established ideas to be torn down to their basics and then some. I was a threat to her simply for being myself.

Still though, I was mad. Could she not at least have enough grace in her to not make statements about Josh or me? Did she really need to make up Josh's feelings, or imply that she knew him better than I did? And what would be the psychological and emotional incentive to not think I was right that Josh had feelings for me? After all that I'd been through, couldn't she just step back from that if nothing else? Or at the very least, explain herself? Because I would gladly have taken an explanation, but she gave me nothing of the sort which puzzled me and made me very skeptical. It played in so well with what Josh told me about her. She seemed vacant about why she had come to those conclusions. It made me nervous, and paranoid and insecure I realized to talk to her, so I tried not to. I just found myself getting too upset, and it wasn't worth getting upset with her anymore. The idea of being in Sarah's shoes, more or less lost and alone, pregnant with Zack's baby, becoming the kind of person who makes up whatever suits because the idea of analyzing herself was too painful. That seemed so much worse. She was beyond being mad at, at least openly. I was beginning to feel sorry for her. I had always assumed Sarah was worlds stronger and more capable in life than I was, and as such I had held her to maybe impossible standards. Maybe she held herself to those same standards. Not to say that as a friend, I had no right to be deeply devastated with her or to say she had done nothing wrong, but perhaps some of my anger had always been misplaced. I had assumed that Sarah was more perfect than she was. I had underestimated myself. I saw myself as weak, and I had seen Sarah as omnificent. But we were both fucked up in our own ways. We both had strengths and weaknesses that the other didn't possess.

For instance, I had long come to the conclusion that my interest in philosophy would get me nowhere, same with religion and literature. That having a deep understanding of The Scarlett Letter meant nothing in the real world. I just saw my interest as some indication that I wasn't very normal, or deeply unhappy. It wouldn't help me get a job, or make someone love me. Those years I spent alone were dark and embarrassing years I wanted to forget about. I secretly held onto the wisdom from my intellectual pursuits from those years, but it wasn't something I consciously thought about anymore. If anything, these intellectual private pursuits that I had embarked on when Sarah had lived in Texas and I had been more or less alone all the time probably held me back, as I reasoned it. People don't like you when your head is too deep in the clouds, or you question their behavior. But now I was beginning to feel differently. The Scarlett Letter, even though it had nothing to do with my life in 2012 as a twenty-two year old girl was deeply ingrained in me and the random wisdom I found in the books I had read in the past applied to everything. I was not so alone after all. I had a learned tribe of people who had come and gone who had left books and teachings and pieces to life's puzzle for me – a strange gift I am sure they new could have comprehended they were giving it to, and my time spent focused on those things had subconsciously helped me. Those ideas I absorbed from all that I had read had become second nature to me.

Not to say that Sarah had not embarked on intellectual pursuits. She had read for sure. But she was more interested in reading as a means of escape – which I did as well, but it was different somehow. She gained by it, but she didn't have those same pursuits consciously at hand in her mind. And now I could see how this had played out. I had spent those years contemplating big and perhaps unknowable things pertaining to life and what was real and good and profound, and she had not spent that much time doing so. She had learned how to operate in the world on one level, which was obviously something I had not done and had been a great downfall and still was. But reality had knocked her down, and in the face of those big uncontemplatable ego killing concepts, she didn't have those acquired pieces of wisdom like I seemed to have. I mean, clearly I wasn't perfect, but I felt connected somehow at least enough to fight back. Sarah was not connected. I didn't know what would connect her now that she was in a situation she couldn't get out of. And the idea of that made me very sad.

PART 113 - https://tinyurl.com/yaudf8kj

PART 112 - https://tinyurl.com/ycwx7be7

PART 111 - https://tinyurl.com/yc2sc37j

My Life Story in Chapters, PARTS 1-110 (this link below will lead you to a list of all the chapters i have written thus far).

http://aleatoryalarmalligator.tumblr.com/post/168782771574/life-story-sections-1-110

[cow-wizard]

like i know it’s annoying that Connor seems to be everyone’s fave and I am 100% certain there are people looking at DBH uncritically (which...it’s a game, cmon, no ethical consumption under capitalism anyway, least of all a fucking game) -- but his story/arc is the only one that has an iota of emotional impact once the entire game is finished and you look back at the choices you made.

spoilers under cut

Kara’s story loses almost all emotional impact once you realize Alice is an android. There’s nothing being said about the relationship of androids and humans there, not even really anything being said about a mother and her child -- Alice was designed to be the perfect child, and even if she deviated her instructions by leaving Todd to go with Kara, she is still programmed with “perfect child” tendencies (and I’m not sure she really went deviant, if Kara has the option later to turn off her thermal sensing and that’s like...an issue? Alice knows she’s an android but all androids do. idk, point lost I’m tired) Kara was designed as a caretaker, taking care of a child is one of the things she intrinsically knows how to do, so her becoming Alice’s mother means little to nothing. The other androids that Kara is a model of are more than likely acting as mothers to their owners’ children as well, this isn’t something groundbreaking (kind of the opposite from a narrative standpoint, actually, to have your only female main character be a caretaker is hmmmm how you say, sexiste?).

Markus’s story has all of its emotional impact in the very beginning. Markus becoming deviant and calling Carl “dad” is the last time I personally felt emotion while watching his story play out. The romance with North is forced, and everything with Jericho happens so quickly it’s unnatural. Having Markus become the leader of the android resistance after helping them accomplish, what? Two things? Makes no sense. North should have been the leader if anyone, since she wanted to fight back in the first place. And then to have Markus, a person of color, be the resistance leader and that fact about him just...doesn’t matter? (as I’ve stated previously Cage must be off his rocker if he thinks no one would be upset about Cyberlife creating servile androids that look black -- and to have North say what she says to Josh is the most tone-deaf thing I’ve seen in a video game in my entire life)

Screenshot for reference! (North, a white android, to Josh, a black android: “Because if you’re not willing to fight for your freedom, maybe you don’t deserve it!”)

Anyway got a little off-track there, but my main point is this: Connor’s story actually has a believable arc. His interactions with people are varied (we see more reactions to androids than pure adoration (Carl) or pure hatred (protestors, Todd, etc.) - we get a disgruntled Hank who, if you befriend him, slowly warms up to Connor and says the line about “maybe we’re on the wrong side” (in reference to hunting deviants -- something about how they just want their freedom). Connor does not start the game as a deviant. He gets there slowly, incrementally, and even though this happens because Cyberlife designed him that way, his story still shows more thought and care put into it than the others. Kara and Alice get hit by blow after blow and it becomes nothing more than torture-porn after a point, and Markus’s position as leader of the resistance is totally undermined by the fact that his blackness is never mentioned yet they usurp slogans and logos from real life groups such as BLM. 

Meanwhile, with Connor, the player gets to explore a more nuanced world and discover all of the different ways in which androids are being exploited, and is the only character to even minutely convince me that maybe he’s right, that Cyberlife is right, about what’s happening -- the androids becoming deviant are simply experiencing an error in their code, the things they feel aren’t real, etc. This is simply due to how genuine Connor is presented (and how good of a job Bryan Dechart did portraying him). With Kara, Alice, and Markus, the idea of whether you should believe them or not is already decided. You experience their self-actualization so early on in the game that you have no choice but to root for them, the question “are androids people?” is already answered (first off, by giving a human player agency over android characters -- you’re making the decisions, therefore they’re making human decisions, they’re people. end of story -- that goes for Connor as well but you can choose to play as a more “by-the-book” android, whatever that means). 

All of that being said, the game just has shitty writing overall. We all know this, people have talked about the faulty premise, and that’s all fine and good, but I guess my point is that the only character who has any stakes here (will he become deviant or not?) is Connor.

[agentnico]

The Disaster Artist (2017) Review

Oh hi, Tumblr!

Plot: When Greg Sestero, an aspiring film actor, meets the weird and mysterious Tommy Wiseau in an acting class, they form a unique friendship and travel to Hollywood to make their dreams come true.

So there is this film that exists which goes by the name ‘The Room’. No, I’m not talking about ‘Room’, the Oscar nominated Brie Larson starring movie, but the 2003 movie that was written, produced and directed by this vampire-like guy named Tommy Wiseau. Oh, and yes, he also stars in that movie! To summarise that film in a nutshell, its known as one of the worst movies ever made, however its not like any other bad movie. With a bad movie, you watch it, have a terrible time and then never watch or think about it ever again. With ‘The Room’, it’s a special kind of deal. Its bad, don’t get me wrong, there are so many wrong things about it, yet I have rewatched that movie so many times, and had a great time doing so every single time. It’s just strangely entertaining. ‘The Room’ is the definition of a movie that is so bad that it is actually good. Hilarious dialogue, so many weird directorial choices, endless pictures of spoons (for some reason!), characters so bad that they become so memorable and some of the most quotable lines in cinema history. “You are tearing me apart, Lisa!” So if you haven’t seen ‘The Room’, watch it. Get some friends together and watch it, and you’ll have one hell of a night! Also watch it for the sake of ‘The Disaster Artist’, as even though ‘The Disaster Artist’ stands well on its own, watching it is a lot more enjoyable if you have experienced ‘The Room’ beforehand, trust me on that one. Anyways, let’s actually talk about ‘The Disaster Artist’, or else I’m going to end up going on an endless tangent of discussion about ‘The Room’!

So ‘The Disaster Artist’ is a behind-the-scenes look on the making of ‘The Room’, more specifically about these two friends, Tommy Wiseau and Greg Sestero, who move to Los Angeles to pursue their dreams of becoming actors, and when after a lot of effort fortune doesn’t go their way, they decide to make their own little movie, ‘The Room’, however the results of that film were nothing that they could have possibly imagined. And being that ‘The Disaster Artist’ is brought to us from the likes of James Franco and Seth Rogen, who are known for making stoner comedies, it was obvious that this film was going to be a comedy at least partially, and boy is it funny! This film is easily one of my favourite comedies this year alongside ‘The Death of Stalin’, as the laughs are endless, and it is was really rare for their to be a joke pop up that wasn’t in some way entertaining. The way ‘The Disaster Artist’ infused comedy was through the was Tommy Wiseau acts around others, how he is different from everyone else, however at the same time the film celebrates the individuality and uniqueness of every person, including Wiseau, and how that in the end can work for their benefit. And also the film has a lot of fun re-imagining the iconic scenes from ‘The Room’ with all these new actors, which again is a cause for much laughter. However even though I really appreciated the comedic moments, it was the deeper emotional moments that I connected with more. This film is mainly about two things: friendship and fighting for your dreams. The friendship between Wiseau and Sestero is very interesting to unravel, whilst the whole idea of achieving and not giving up on your dreams is a lesson that anyone can learn, as if you never give up, you will get somewhere, maybe not the way you wanted it to, but like with Wiseau, Sestero and ‘The Room’, in an unexpected way that still works out very well. And when the film focuses on these moments, this is where it truly shines, and that is why I also have a slight complaint, as I feel like the film should have delved a bit more deeper into the emotional side of things. The emotion is there, but I feel like there definitely was space for more. That is one of my two slight issues with this film, however I’d like to emphasise that both this and the point I will discuss later didn’t detract much from my enjoyment of this film. I still very much loved it, but I also felt like I’d very much need to address these minor issues.

The cast assembled for this film is literally superb. Both James Franco and Dave Franco fit perfectly into the roles of Tommy Wiseau and Greg Sestero, and since these two actors are brothers in real life, their on-screen friendship felt even more real. Also, Franco nails the Wiseau accent, whilst at the same time adding his own little spin on it. All the people playing the cast members of ‘The Room’ are some of the best casting of the year. Ari Graynor was very accurate as ‘Lisa’, Jacki Weaver as ‘Claudette’ was very funny, constantly asking if the infamous “I have breast cancer!” line will have any follow up later in the story, Josh Hutcherson is hysterical as the creepy ‘Denny’, and Zac Efron is unrecognisable as the drug dealer ‘Chris-R’. Then the behind-the-scenes of ‘The Room’ crew all did great, however special mentions to Seth Rogen and Paul Scheer as the script supervisor and director of photography, both of which have a superbly done confrontational scene with Franco’s Wiseau. And Jason Mantzoukas has a great little cameo in the film too. Now we come to my second negative for the film, with Alison Brie as the weak-link of the cast, well more her character rather than her, since Brie does good with what she is given, however her character felt very lackluster and wasn’t given much to do, whilst I think with her being Sestero’s girlfriend, there was room (get it?) for more confrontation with Wiseau, since the movie hints at this, but never goes all the way, which I think was a missed opportunity.

As a whole, ‘The Disaster Artist’ is a very well done film, with some surprisingly great cinematography work (probably the biggest surprise of the whole film for me), a great script from screenwriters Scott Neustadter and Michael H. Weber that adapted Sestero’s book, solid comedy with lots of one-liners (though none as memorable as those from ‘The Room’ itself!), and the emotional parts are done well, though as I said earlier, there was room for more.

Overall score: 8/10

TOP MOVIE QUOTE: “Oh hi, Mark...Oh hi, Mark...Oh hi, Mark......Oh hi, Greg!”

[rockrevoltmagazine]

INTERVIEW: Nick Mason "The Living Dead Drummer"

Nicholas Mason (AKA The Living Dead Drummer) has performed all over the world with artists as wide ranging as Shania Twain to Beasto Blanco. He is a highly experienced pro drummer with a level of motivation and drive in his work ethic that has made him rise above the pack with appearances on GLEE, MasterChef, Cartoon Network, Showtime, FOX, and ABC.

What is your professional history as a drummer?

Hmmm… Let’s see…

I started playing out in bands when I was in high school, and teaching music lessons at age 18. By the time I was in my early 20’s I was playing in groups that were traveling and doing some small touring. It kind of just progressed over time, weekend tours turned into week-long runs and so on. I got a taste for the hired gun thing early on. Some friends asked me to fill in for their band when they lost the drummer. Having to learn someone else’s music was unique and I enjoyed getting to experience different types of playing situations and styles. Being available for outside work has led me to some amazing opportunities. It’s allowed me to work with insanely talented artists, perform in huge arenas and festivals, and travel the globe. 

What was the spark that inspired you to become a drummer?

My family. I grew up with a very musically supportive environment. My Father is a guitarist and owns a prominent Guitar Repair business in Western NY. My Mother, along with her entire side of the family is all drummers! And I mean, like the entire family! Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, and if you didn’t play the drums you married a drummer, or your kid became a drummer. So picking up the sticks was more of a heritage. 

You share the same name as Pink Floyd’s drummer. How do you handle any confusion?

Yes, that’s true. Not planned, total coincidence. I try to be polite when it comes to confusion, but I have to admit there have been times when it does get under my skin. Mainly because some people see a name and jump to an assumption without looking at the evidence surrounding it. Especially in an age of social media where a photo is typically displayed above the name, and should be obvious that I’m not in my 70’s, or the lack of mention of Pink Floyd anyplace on my internet presence. I get it if it’s something different like making a phone call and the recipient gets a “Nick Mason on line one” message. That’s forgivable. Having the “Living Dead Drummer” title the last few years has really helped move me farther away from the confusion and reinforce my individuality in the music industry. These days it’s less frequent that people mistake me for him, and more “Oh, you have the same name as,” and an afterthought. 

What have been some of the biggest performances and stages of your career?

I’ve had the pleasure of playing at Staples Center in Los Angeles, Key Bank Center  in Buffalo (Then called HSBC Arena), Baseball stadiums, Sahlen Field, also in Buffalo, and Petco Park in San Diego. I also did the Electric Daisy Carnival in Vegas a couple times. Those EDC crowds can get up to 100,000 per night!!

How did you land on the name Living Dead Drummer?

A few years ago the Coffin Case company was celebrating their 20th anniversary. They had always done a fashion show at the annual NAMM show in Anaheim. I was asked to contribute in some manner for the big anniversary. We came up with the idea that myself and another drummer buddy of mine would flank the stage with out drum kits. The Coffin Girls would do the runway modeling to classic metal songs between the kits. They had us all done up in horror makeup and outfits so we looked as if we just crawled out of the grave. It was sick! It was in the dressing room, while we were getting our makeup done, that I first got referred to as a “Living Dead Drummer.” The light bulb went off over my head, and I took the idea and ran with it. Bought the website, changed all my social media over, and registered it every place I possibly could. It just made perfect sense. I love horror, I love drums, and because of my work ethic people frequently ask “When do you sleep?” I don’t, I’m “Living Dead.” Hahaha. 

What’s the key to staying flexible with all the different types of bands you play with?

Proper planning with your calendar. Whenever I’m in contact with a new potential client I always try to be as up front as possible. My schedule is first come first serve, and if I’m already obligated with another artist then I’m not available for you. I want to give everyone I work with 100% and it wouldn’t be fair if I canceled or rescheduled one person for another. I’ve found that as long as I’m honest, and establish these things right from the get-go most people are cool with it. I do tend to be a bit of a workaholic, and want to please everyone. It’s not uncommon for me to book multiple gigs in one evening, on top of rehearsals and teaching lessons all day. 

What are some things about your style that shows off your uniqueness and individuality?

I strive for accuracy and a good pocket in my playing. I want every note to be intentional and consistent. If I play a ghost note, it was on purpose, If I hit with this side of the stick versus that side, or accent this note and not that one. It was on purpose. I’m also no stranger to getting a little flashy and “performing” while on stage. I’m a firm believer that while on stage our job is to entertain, and no one goes to a live music concert, especially a rock concert, to listen to music. They go to watch a show. If you can’t give them something to watch you’re failing at your job. 

What life experiences have had the most influence on your current musical performance choices?

When I was fresh out of college I landed a job in the music industry doing Artist Relations. It was the only “real” job I ever had. It was great, and I learned a lot about how the industry operates. I was exposed to a whole world that I’d only read about in the trades. However, I quickly learned that it wasn’t for me. It cut too much into my time as a teacher and performer. Prior to that job I was teaching five days a week, at three different music stores, and playing out in multiple bands. All of a sudden I had a nine-to-five, with a 401K. I had to drastically reduce my student roster, and all my bands had to wait until I had vacation time to hit the road. Working in Artist Relations meant that I spent all day talking to other musicians who were out there doing what I wanted. I needed to be the guy on the other end of the phone, like they were. I split after only three years and dedicated my life to being that guy. 

What artists have had an influence on your drumming styles?

I borrow from a lot a people! I was always a big Metallica fan growing up, especially in the early 90’s when I first started playing the drums. Lars has such intensity and energy on stage! Josh Freese, I discovered when A Perfect Circle debuted. I was so impressed with the creativity on that first album, that I had to look him up, and found that I has unknowingly been listening to him for years! His resume reads like a Billboard Top 100 list. Seeing that is what pushed me to want to work more as a hired gun. What’s better than being in one successful band? Being a part of ALL the successful bands!! Another band I grew up on was Aerosmith. Joey Kramer basically taught me how to play a song. Sure, I learned drum patterns, and rudiments, and formal music stuff rom my teachers, but learning song structure, and dynamic choices between a chorus and verse, or when to pick up the energy in a solo or song outro? That was the writing of Aerosmith, and Joey’s approach to his drum parts. On a visual and creative stand point there’s the dynamic duo of Sully Erna and Shannon Larkin from Godsmack. Sully’s known for being the bands front man, but he’s a jack of all trades and started as a drummer. I think at this point it’s common knowledge that he was behind the kit on Godsmack’s first two albums, and a large chunk of the ones following. The drumming on those first two in particular I found to be really creative. Tight Hi Hats, where you might think a more open sound would have been placed. And some really creative kick drum patterns that all felt like the song was entirely written around the groove instead of the melody dictating the rhythm. Once Shannon joined the band in the early 2000’s it kicked up a notch. I saw them perform for the first time in 2003. Front and center against the guardrail! Shannon’s energy on stage, start to end, left me feeling exhausted as if I was the one on stage for an hour! He was like a human rubber band, whipping his whole body back and forth to the beat right from the first note. I went out and bought the DVD from that tour right after and analyzed his movements on stage. The monkey arms, the stick tosses, I watched and said “I could do that!” 

How do you connect and engage the audience from behind your kit?

I like to try and make eye contact with people if possible, and let them know I know they are watching. It’s not always easy. Depends on the size of the room, or stage, and frequently the lighting can kind of make it impossible to see anyone past the singers butt. However, if I can catch you I’ll make it known. There have been times where I had the opportunity to come out from behind the kit and step right up front and interact with the crowd. When I toured with Pinky Doodle Poodle, a Japanese rock band, they had a part written into the show where we hit a break in one specific song. I wasn’t supposed to cue us back in until the crowd started getting loud. I milked that for every penny! I’d walk right out to the front of the stage and get them screaming, and start playing games with them. Getting everyone to play follow the leader with clapping or teasing them. The bigger the crowd we would have the more fun it was and the more participatory the audience would be. 

Any videos in the works? Which songs and what concepts are you working with?

I don’t really do the YouTube cover thing. However, I do try to post short clips from live performances or recording sessions regularly on social media. I’ll upload longer clips and full songs to my YouTube channel. Again, they are mainly from live shows or recording sessions. I want my audience to see me in a real environment. On stage in front of an audience, or in a studio tracking drums on a song you’re going to be able to own soon. 

What’s one of the hardest parts about touring? Have you had anything embarrassing happen while performing?

I really like touring, I’m very comfortable with that kind of daily schedule. The hardest part is probably dealing with people, hahaha. Not everyone is cut out for it, and I’ve been in plenty of situations where someone’s ego gets in the way. Many first time touring musicians also have a lot of misconceptions about being on the road, especially an indi/dyi kind of tour. It makes it incredibly uncomfortable because now you’re stuck with that person, or persons day in and day out. I can’t think of anything super embarrassing that may have happened. I mean, everyone has a bad night once and a while, where you just don’t perform at the level you should. In my early days I had a few mishaps that have become more “fun stories” than embarrassing. I broke a finger on stage by bashing it on the rim of the snare drum accidentally. On a separate occasion I broke the bottom head on not one, but two snares! Thankfully the second one broke during the last song of the night, but I was so pissed off I picked the drum up and threw it off stage. I think I’d handle that in a more mature way now, haha. 

You also teach quite a bit. Tell us about that.

I do teach! I started teaching private drum lessons just shy of 20 years ago. I know that may make me sound old, but I actually started teaching at a young age. I didn’t really have the confidence at first to give lessons. I felt that I was still a novice and didn’t have the education or experience to show someone else how to do it, but my own drum teacher encouraged me and assured me that I knew what I was doing. It quickly became a passion. I really loved having the opportunity to show others what I know, and encourage them the same way my teachers did. Right now I currently have about 40 regular students per week. Mostly in Southern California, but there are a hand full sprinkled throughout other states that I teach via Skype or FaceTime. I’m the Senior Drum Instructor and Show Director for School Of Rock in Burbank, CA. They have a fantastic program that not only provides one-on-one lessons the old school way, but also places students into a working band and provides them with real stage experience. We are able to give these students the same real world gigging musician life, without some of the “less than desirable” aspects I was exposed to in my teens. 

Name something that is a positive in the world today.  And why it should be celebrated.

ART! The arts are a positive thing. All aspects of them. Theatre, Film, TV, Music, Fine Art. It can be thought provoking; it can evoke different emotions, and provide escapism. 

With the amount of negativity in the world, especial on social media, it’s nice to just take a break and lose yourself in something created by another human. I encourage everyone to go out, see a movie, go to an art gallery, or go to the theater or see a concert. Go have some fun for a couple hours and don’t worry about politics, or what someone said or did online. 

What are your goals both personally and professionally for the rest of the year?

I definitely plan to spend more time on the road. As stated before, I’m very comfortable in that environment. I also am in the beginning stages of booking a clinic tour with a focus on the aspects of what it takes to be a working professional in the modern era of performance. These days it’s not enough to just “be a drummer.” Everyone wants us to also run backing tracks, trigger samples, etc. Half the time you need to have a lap top open next to your kit just to get through a club show. No one ever really talks about that stuff in the music education world. I don’t know any other teachers that are showing students how to set up a click and backing tracks, or going through all the extra “non-drumming related” gear they need to have on a gig. I’m going to lean heavily into that, and show audiences the behind the scenes part of the show. 

One other thing that I intend on working more with this year is Artist Relations. Due to my background working as an AR Manager, and perhaps that I’m fortunate enough to officially endorse a number of prestigious instrument brands, I get a lot of calls from up-and-coming artists looking for advice. The last two years I took part in panel discussions and seminars at the NAMM Show discussing the topic. I think my fellow panelists and I were able to touch on a lot of good points about the mystery of the artist endorsement; however you can only do so much in an hour. I’m now making myself available for more in-depth talks on a one-on-one basis. Answering any questions artists may have about how best to approach a brand they wish to endorse. Covering what typical contrasts involve, and even do press kit and EPK reviews to help put them on the right track. This service is also available to brands that want to grow their market share by bringing in artists to endorse their products. Too often new companies pop up and are just looking to make a dent in the market any way they can. It’s difficult to get in with distributors, and proper marketing can be expensive. Building a good artist roster can be helpful in establishing your brand, but mistakes are often made, direct sales under the illusion of signing an agreement with an artist have become more and more frequent. Things like that can severely compromise the integrity of your brand, and spread negativity around the industry. I’d like to help companies avoid that through proper Artist Relations Management. 

Anything else you would like to share?

I’d just like to say thank you for taking the time to let me rant! Hahaha. I’d like to invite all your readers to follow me on social media. I keep things updated daily and it’s the best place to find out when I’ll be coming to your town on a gig.

FaceBook & Instagram @livingdeaddrummer 

Twitter @livindeddrummer

YouTube.com/masonni 

and of course www.livingdeaddrummer.com 

INTERVIEW: Nick Mason “The Living Dead Drummer” was originally published on RockRevolt Mag

[j0shripley]

Opinion Series

Josh Ripley

Fish Burton

ENGL 2010

April 12, 2020

Opinion Series

For my Opinion Series paper, I decided to write off some of the articles I have already read. The first perspective I choose to write from is the point of view of a transgender individual, the next one is written from the perspective of a middle class family found in Utah, while the final one is written from the perspective of a homeless man addicted opiates.

The first perspective I am writing on with the transgender individual is based off of a study that was conducted in Minnesota back in 2016. The article talked about how transgender youth have a 10% higher chance than their peers to have experienced some homelessness before 11th grade. From the perspective of Transgender youth, one of two things can run through your mind. One side, depending on your support system, you could see running away and becoming homeless as a viable option. If you don’t feel love at home then why stay there? On the other hand, the other emotion they could experience is fear, fear that their choice is going to get them kicked out or become socially excluded. This fear could drive you to run from any potential danger or ill feelings that could come as a result of people's response to your personal decision. At first you might think, what’s the big deal? 10% isn’t that much, but when you start putting names to the faces you realize that for a group of people to have a higher chance of being on the streets because of their gender preference doesn’t seem right. For them, a scary part of being homeless is the illness that can follow, especially common in adolescence. “Homelessness is associated with adverse outcomes in youth, including poor mental and physical health, high risk health behaviors, poor cognitive and academic functioning, and emergency room visits and hospitalizations” (Eisenberg 1) This is found in the article I mentioned at the beginning titled “Homelessness experiences and gender identity in a population-based sample of adolescents.” When children leave home the last thing they are thinking about is the potential health risks that come with being out all the time. As I said before I believe there are 2 paths when it comes to a transgender individual thinking about homelessness, it is either an option for escape, or they are filled with the fear of being kicked out and being forced to live on their own in order to survive emotionally, while in fact, causing more harm to themselves then good.

The next perspective I am writing on is the middle class family in Utah looking at homelessness. You see it as something that could never really happen to you, you make enough money, have a strong enough family, and friends in the community to help when you need it. But of course there are many stories of people being struck with some random event that crippled them out of nowhere. It’s an issue that doesn’t seem possible, and at the same time, there’s a fair amount of people that think they did it to themselves. It’s easy to look from the outside in, being raised in a family that has never struggled too much financially with no serious health concerns and be like, “why don’t they just get a job?,”or “ They have to be addicted to drugs.” or “How does anybody get to that point? Just budget.” When the reality of the situation is that it isn’t always that easy. There are a lot of different things that can happen in order to end up on the streets. Utah’s homeless numbers aren’t too high or alarming and for the amount of judgmental people there are, there are also people wanting to help. It is not uncommon to run into people that care enough to either give food, money, or clothing to help those in need. Instinctively, most of us are filled with compassion when we see people in need. This was the cause of the original plan set forth in Utah that minimalized homelessness by 90%. “Utah and other states are discovering that by investing in people’s most basic needs, they are better able to address the other factors that lead to homelessness. And they are doing so with less money. Lloyd Pendleton, the director of Utah’s Homeless Task Force, was not always a believer in the state’s current method of addressing homelessness, initially saying the idea was “totally unrealistic.” But now he says that prioritizing a home for those without has drastically changed the way the state can deal with other factors, including unemployment.” This is from an article written about how Utah has successfully dropped their chronic homeless rate so drastically. When I asked my father about his views on homeless individuals he said, “You know, just the other week I saw a mother and son out in front of Walmart holding their cardboard sign. It was hard for me, as a father, to sit there and not picture your sister and her 1 year old. So i went inside and bought them food, diapers, and clothing.” To me this is proof of what most respectful citizens think of when they see a family struggling, despite what happens to get people to the point of being homeless, you instantly feel some sort of remorse and a desire to help.

The last point of view I am writing from is that of a homeless man addicted to opiates.  Looking from the outside in, it is easy to judge someone from the place they are at currently. It is easy to look at a mangled man on the road with a cardboard sign, long white hair, and gross teeth, and say “I’m helping him by not giving him money because he will only spend it on drugs.” When in reality we don’t know what they have been through in their lives, we don’t know how they were raised or what health issues they have faced, or the state of their mental health. You can’t look at someone and instantly know their life story. As I sat thinking about it, there were many things I didn’t initially consider when it came to being homeless. For instance, how are you going to find clean water or afford to keep looking clean if you don’t have toiletries? While trying to put myself in one of their shoes, I thought about how tough it would be to sit there and beg for help while people walked by and you know exactly what some people are thinking. You know some people will look at you and tell their kids “stay away from him.” or use you as an example of why they should stay in school. I wonder where your family would be at that point, how many bridges must’ve been affected by your use to ultimately not have anyone to turn to. Or maybe they are there for you but the amount of shame and disgust you feel in yourself keeps you from reaching out, not wanting someone to worry about you. I can’t imagine being in a situation where people won’t even consider giving you cash because they don’t think you have the sense to buy the basic necessities, toothpaste, water, food, and soap. It would be tough to be such a slave to a drug that you can’t accurately discern what your immediate purchase would be. The aches and craving you would feel would seem insurmountable. But you are addicted to the point where you think you could quit if you wanted to, or that quitting is impossible because when you hit your withdrawals you feel as if you will explode from the pressure in your body. I’d be wishing for any aid possible, but would feel hopeless that anyone would care enough to help me. Everyone has their own issues. In response to the rising opioid use in Boston, an article was written about some recent technology to help that says, “BHCHP delivers a full spectrum of primary care, mental health and addiction services. It recognizes that behavioral healthcare is an essential element of quality integrated care. The care model at BHCHP united behavioral health clinicians, case managers, physicians, nurse practitioners and nurses in close collaboration. They provide low-threshold engagement and constant care to individuals in a variety of settings, including on the streets, in shelter-based clinics, hospitals or supportive housing.” This would be the hope I was longing for and would finally give me a push to get my life on track and that the road back was possible.

Works Cited

Eisenberg, Marla E., et al. “Homelessness Experiences and Gender Identity in a Population-Based Sample of Adolescents.” Preventive Medicine Reports, vol. 16, Dec. 2019. EBSCOhost, doi:10.1016/j.pmedr.2019.100986.

Laine, Samantha. “How Utah Reduced Homelessness by More than 90 Percent.” The Christian Science Monitor, 2015. EBSCOhost, search.ebscohost.com/login.aspx?direct=true&db=edsbro&AN=edsbro.A412252911&site=eds-live.

Netsmart. “Boston Health Care for the Homeless Program Partners with Netsmart to Address the Opioid Crisis.” Business Wire (English), 2019 May 11AD. EBSCOhost, search.ebscohost.com/login.aspx?direct=true&db=bwh&AN=bizwire.bw092956424&site=eds-live.

[thrashermaxey]

20 Fantasy Hockey Thoughts

Every Sunday until the start of the 2018-19 regular season, we'll share 20 Fantasy Thoughts from our writers at DobberHockey. These thoughts are curated from the past week's "Daily Ramblings".

Writers: Michael Clifford, Ian Gooding, Cam Robinson, and Dobber

  1. First thing about Conor Sheary: he can finish. Across three seasons spanning 184 games and 300 shots on goal at five-on-five, he’s converted at a 12.6 percent clip. That’s a very, very good scoring rate. There’s also the cap hit. Sheary is only due $3 million over each of the next two seasons.

Adding Sheary gives the Sabres a winger who’s shown he’s capable of not only playing with an elite center (Sidney Crosby) but producing with an elite center. That’s exactly what Jack Eichel needs. I doubt Sheary sees significant power-play minutes so anything more than a 20-goal, 50-point campaign is too optimistic, but it does give them a guy to play with their franchise pivot while sheltering the younger guys in the lineup without significant cap implications. That’s a win for the Sabres. (june28)

  2. As much as he deserves to be the top pick of the 2018 NHL Draft in both real life and fantasy, I wouldn’t draft Rasmus Dahlin until the later rounds in a standard single-season league. Fantasy-wise, I see his numbers projecting similarly to those of Victor Hedman. So, you might have to wait 4-5 years for him to blossom, as 18-year-old defensemen don’t take the league by storm. Or, to put it another way, I’m betting the under on him reaching 50 points in his first season. (june27)

  3. I realize this could be a reach for him, and he might be a year or two away, but Oliver Wahlstrom’s game was made for fantasy. Lots of goals (22 goals in 26 games for US Under-18 team), so he could be similarly ranked to Filip Zadina when all is said and done. More proof: Wahlstrom went fifth and seventh in two recent fantasy drafts for draft-eligible players. (june27)

  4. I broke down the Steve Mason trade from a fantasy hockey perspective here. Some additional thoughts:

With Mason now out of the picture, the Jets’ backup goalie situation will be one to watch. While Michael Hutchinson is an UFA, promoting Eric Comrie is a possibility, as he had a fairly strong AHL season (34 GP, 2.58 GAA, .916 SV%), but he has struggled in brief NHL duty (four GP, 4.00 GAA, .880 SV%). I’d probably put my money on the Jets bringing in an experienced backup one way or another. There should be plenty of those for the Jets to choose from. (july1)

  5. A signing that might be of some interest to deeper league owners: Frank Vatrano has signed a one-year contract to remain with the Panthers. If he played baseball, Vatrano would be considered a ‘Quadruple-A’ player. He has dominated the AHL (36 goals in 36 games in 2015-16), yet his NHL career has never really gotten off the ground (10 points in 41 games last season). And with the Panthers adding another top-six forward in Mike Hoffman, it’s going to be even harder for Vatrano. He is 24, so there is still a bit of time. (june30)

  6. Mike Clifford covered the Fantasy Take on the Capitals naming Todd Reirden as the new head coach. Very little surprise here, as Reirden was the only candidate interviewed and the only name mentioned to be taking over the Capitals. With Reirden previously in charge of the defense, I would expect the Capitals’ defense to continue to be strong. That will be good news for Braden Holtby owners, who should now have another reason to feel confident about a bounce-back regular season. Winning a Stanley Cup should already do wonders for that, though.

One signing that should make life easier for both Reirden and Holtby is that of Michal Kempny, who was signed to a four-year contract worth $10 million. Kempny shouldn’t move the needle in any fantasy leagues but he strengthened the Capitals’ defense after his acquisition near the trade deadline in forming an effective pairing with John Carlson. Sometimes it’s the small moves that pay off more than the big splashes, as the likes of Kempny and Devante Smith-Pelly were difference-makers in the Capitals’ playoff run. (june30)

  7. Drew Doughty agrees to an eight-year extension with the Kings. The average annual value is expected to be worth just under $11 million per season. Fantasy implications? If you’re a Doughty owner in a salary cap league, you’ve had time to prepare to what should be around a $4 million per season raise. And if you’re an Erik Karlsson owner in a salary cap league, it gives you a better idea of what to expect. In spite of all the minutes he plays (league-high 26:50 ATOI in 2017-18), Doughty has not missed a game in four seasons. Over those four seasons, he is the only player to have skated over 9,000 minutes. (june30)

  8. Wayne Simmonds is a finisher. A guy who digs pucks loose and gets to the net. And that’s perfectly fine. Every team can use the type of player Simmonds is. He is great at what he does, and if he does get traded, there should be a long line of suitors.

His numbers did fall off this year but it’s not something that I think is concerning. Through injury and demotion at times, Simmonds played just 975 minutes at five-on-five. Of those 975 minutes, he skated with Valtteri Filppula for 400 of them, roughly 41 percent of his five-on-five TOI. It’s no secret that Filppula is far from the player he was years ago. Simmonds played over 40 percent of his five-on-five ice time with a guy who is, at best, a fourth-line center at this point of his career. That is in contrast to his 44-plus percent of ice time with Claude Giroux in 2016-17. It’s no wonder Simmonds’ numbers took a tumble. There are also the injuries. Oh man, the injuries. He played through a broken ankle, torn pelvis, and a pulled groin. He also tore a ligament in his thumb. Despite all this, he missed just seven games and still managed 24 goals.

Whether Simmonds is back with the Flyers or somewhere else could have an impact on his value. His fantasy value, at least on the production side, largely comes from the power play, so if he is traded, it needs to be somewhere he’s going to be on a heavily-used top power play unit. Maybe a down year will provide good value at the draft table come September. In roto leagues, he’s generally been a lock for a top-50 player. If he’s healthy in the right situation, he can be that player again. (june29)

  9. Zach Parise’s health will ultimately determine his fantasy value and considering he hasn’t played 75 games in a season since 2011-12, it’s clear how to value him. He’s a late-round pick at this point with hopes he can he play 70 games. (june29)

  10. Rick Nash is still unsure about even playing in 2018-19 and won’t be signing immediately on July 1st. At the least, he seems to be very much considering retirement, if not just being very careful about where he signs next.

Just a thought in dynasty leagues: now might be the time to get him extremely cheap. You should be able to get him for a lower-level prospect or some sort of pick, given the news right now is that he might retire. In the right situation, 20-25 goals is again possible. (june29)

  11. The Panthers’ Nick Bjugstad averaged just 39 points through his first four full seasons, maxing out at 43 in 2014-15, before posting last season’s 48-point campaign. He has three years left at $4.1-million per season, and if he can repeat 50 points for those three years, the team will get good value out of the back end of that contract.

While it had been tried out infrequently earlier in the year, the trio of Bjugstad, Aleksander Barkov, and Evgenii Dadonov was united pretty much for good on January 25th. After that point, Bjugstad played about 75 percent of his minutes at five-on-five with exactly those two players, and about 82 percent of his time with at least one of those two, if not both. The bulk of Bjugstad’s production came in that second half when he was one the top line, scoring 27 points in 36 games. Up to that point, he had 22 points in 46 games.

How Florida decides to use Bjugstad next year will be crucial. He can still put up good peripheral numbers even without the points; he had 95 hits, 41 PIM, and 230 shots last year and has topped 100 hits, 200 shots, or 40 PIM twice each in his career. But, whether he can produce goals and assists at a rate necessary for value in leagues that don’t count all, or some, of those stats will depend on whether he returns to the top line or not. (june28)

  12. Though he had just 30 total points, it was a breakout season of sorts for the Blue Jackets’ Josh Anderson last year. He managed 19 goals in just 63 games, outscoring his 2016-17 season in 15 fewer games. A big part of this is not only his increase in shot rate – his personal shot rate at five-on-five went up over 30 percent – but we saw the progression of a young player growing into a potential star.

Everything moved in the right direction for Anderson last year but he was slowed by three things: injury, linemates’ inability to score, and inconsistent lineup placement. Remember he was a fixture of the top line with Artemi Panarin and Pierre-Luc Dubois before he was replaced by Cam Atkinson.

The question of Anderson’s production next season will depend on his teammates rebounding from poor shooting percentages; he shot 9.43 percent at five-on-five, which is good, but the team shot 6.79 percent with him on the ice, which is bad. Just a full season at his 2017-18 level could see 25 goals next year. His assist rate will rely on guys like Oliver Bjorkstrand, Boone Jenner, and Brandon Dubinsky turning things around personally. (june28)

  13. Jesperi Kotkaniemi was the top center in a what was projected to be a weak year for centers. Guess what position is already the deepest in fantasy leagues? In one league, Kotkaniemi was picked eighth, whereas in another league he wasn’t even picked in the top 10. But given where the Canadiens drafted him and their lack of depth at center, they will give him every opportunity to succeed. (june27)

  14. I’m sure you’ve read all the articles giving Detroit pats on the back for the players that landed in their lap much later than expected. Filip Zadina was ranked third on a lot of lists (including our own in the Fantasy Prospects Report), yet Detroit got him sixth. Joe Veleno was ranked 11th on our list and Detroit got him 30th. But, here is the Devil’s Advocate point of view: They got a couple of players who sank for a reason. I don’t question Zadina’s talent. I think that one was luck in that Montreal wanted a center and Ottawa wanted a sure-fire scoring-line player who can help very soon. But, now I question Veleno, who has seen his stock fall for almost an entire year now. Reminds me of us celebrating the Penguins for drafting Angelo Esposito back in the day. There was a reason Esposito fell; is there a reason Veleno fell? I’ll let someone else take a chance on Veleno for now in my league. (june25)

  15. A day after being denied arbitration, Derrick Pouliot signed a one-year contract worth $1.1 million to remain with the Canucks. Remember when Pouliot was a must-own prospect in keeper leagues? He was still second among Canucks’ blueliners last season in averaging 1:35 in power-play ice time. (june27)

  16. J.T. Miller has signed a five-year contract worth $5.25 million per season. That might seem expensive but Miller seemed to be good fit with the Bolts, scoring 18 points in 19 regular-season games with his new team. Although the playoff production dipped (eight points in 17 games), it appears that his fantasy value improved with the trade. (june27)

  17. Why does Dougie Hamilton keep getting traded? Did Hamilton cause Calgary’s goalies to be poor, Mike Smith to get hurt, and the team to be abysmal at scoring at five-on-five? Did he cause them to shoot a full one percent less at five-on-five compared to 2016-17? Or, maybe all this is just nonsense and, under the pressure of a failed season largely driven by percentages, general manager Brad Treliving had to make a seismic move?

For years, Carolina had two problems: they couldn’t score and their goalies couldn’t make saves. In the game of hockey, being unable to tally or prevent goals is a, let’s say, problem. That started to change over the last couple years. Post-2013 lockout, 2016-17 and 2017-18 are the two seasons Carolina ranked highest in the league in goals/60 minutes at five-on-five. The power play wasn’t great but it was better than Calgary’s and there is a lot of room for improvement. Remember, we are going into Sebastian Aho’s third season, Teuvo Teravainen’s fourth full year, they have Martin Necas on his way, and just drafted Andrei Svechnikov. Veterans like Justin Williams and Jordan Staal, both capable scorers, are still around. There is still talk of Justin Faulk and Jeff Skinner being traded, and while the latter being moved won’t help scoring, hopefully on aggregate the return will.

Regardless, at least in terms of skaters, this franchise is moving in the right direction, and Hamilton will be there to log big minutes at five-on-five and on the power play. A repeat of his 2017-18 season seems more likely than his 2016-17 season. (june26)

  18. It sounds like Svechnikov will not only be in the Canes’ lineup this coming season but also in a top-six role. His stock could rise even further if the Hurricanes trade Jeff Skinner. Forty (40) goals and 72 points in just 44 OHL games in his draft season season. Svechnikov should score more points than Dahlin in their first season but Dahlin is ranked higher even in single-season leagues because he is a defenseman. (june27)

As much as Svechnikov seems ready to make the jump to the NHL, he’s not the only Canes’ prospect to keep an eye on this season. According to the Raleigh News & Observer, 2017 first-overall pick Martin Necas was “easily the most impressive player in (Hurricanes prospect development) camp.” Necas is listed at number 10 in the June edition of the Top 200 Fantasy Prospect Forward rankings. (july1)

  19. Flames’ coach Bill Peters doesn’t seem convinced Elias Lindholm to the top line is a lock. Tweeted Flames’ beat reporter, Kristen Anderson: Bill Peters says he is going to play Tkachuk a bit on the right side this year. But if the season started tomorrow, he’d put Lindholm with Monahan and Gaudreau.

Process of elimination says there’s either a plan in place to: A) move Matthew Tkachuk to the top line right wing; B) just move Tkachuk to the right side of this own second line for some reason; C) move Tkachuk to the third line. Given the second two options are improbable, Tkachuk moving the top line is what Peters is inferring.

That would be incredible for Tkachuk, who is so proficient in multi-cat leagues that he doesn’t really need the production boost, but he’d be an elite asset if that were the case. It would also kill any hope for a Lindholm improvement. My assumption is it’ll be a fluid situation all year. (june26)

  20. It’s going to be very hard for Anze Kopitar to improve on 92 points, Ilya Kovalchuk or not. It will help him maintain somewhere close to that level, though, so it’ll help him not fall off steeply in production, but not necessarily help him improve.

As far as Kovalchuk’s production goes, expecting anything more than 30 goals or 60 points is foolish. Guys his age just don’t produce at elite rates in today’s NHL, even fellow future Hall of Famers like Marian Hossa and Jarome Iginla. Start with those marks and work backwards when establishing your rankings. (june26)

  Have a good week, folks!!

    from All About Sports https://dobberhockey.com/hockey-home/20-fantasy-hockey-thoughts/20-fantasy-hockey-thoughts-30/

[dorothydelgadillo]

Hit Refresh: Radical Transparency

We’re back with another episode of our podcast Hit Refresh. You can listen on iTunes, Soundcloud, Stitcher, Overcast, our site, or wherever you get your podcasts.

There’s an informal movement among tech companies to practice a new brand of radical transparency where they share everything from their revenue, costs, and even salaries, with everyone inside—and at times outside—the company.

The hope is to give employees more information, and a greater sense of control over themselves and their work. In this episode, we cover how we practice transparency at Skillcrush and speak to tech CEOs Josh Pigford and Bea Arthur to find out what it’s like to bare your (company’s) soul to the world. Bottom line: If you’re looking to change careers, you should demand transparency wherever you land next. You deserve it.

Please let us know what you think of the podcast! We’d LOVE it if you could write us a review on iTunes. We’ll read every single one!

*****

Radical Transparency Transcript

Adda Birnir: I guess I do want to take a moment at this point to talk about cash flow, and you know I spoke to the marketing team about this and I wanted to make sure to extend this to the whole team. There’s been a lot of anxiety and sort of, just like stress, and you know I want to take a moment to talk about the months that were cash flow negative. We’re always looking at like are we trending up or are we trending down, right? And so you know, if we’re starting to trend down, that’s bad and we want to like move it back up. But, in the greater context of the business, it doesn’t mean that the business is in danger. Just to really put any concerns to rest: Obviously I try to be very frugal as a company and really don’t want to overextend ourselves, but we have money in the bank. Even if we made no money, we could run the company for at least a few months. We’re so far from that happening, um it’s not a realistic concern and um, yeah.

Okay. so let’s talk about September, how much money did we make? Echoes.

Does anyone have any questions?

Act 1: The Idea

Instrumental theme music.

Adda: This is Hit Refresh, a podcast for anyone who’s stuck and needs a fresh start. I’m Adda Birnir, a self-taught coder, educator, and CEO & Founder of Skillcrush—an interactive learning community that teaches total beginners the tech skills they need to get into better, higher paying careers with real mobility.

Twice a month, we talk about what it look likes to work in tech and why I think that learning tech skills is the single best career decision any forward-thinking professional can make.

But when I say working in tech, I’m not talking about moving to Silicon Valley, or getting a computer science degree, or magically transforming into a young white guy wearing a hoodie and coding all night. Because at Skillcrush, we know that tech is for EVERYONE.

* * * * *

This week we’re talking about transparency. There is an informal movement among tech companies to practice a new brand of radical transparency where they share everything from their revenue to costs and even salaries, with everyone inside—and at times outside—the company.

How transparency is practiced varies wildly from company to company, but the hope is to give employees, more information, and thus, more sense of control over themselves and their work.

Chances are you’ve experienced the opposite of this.

I know that before founding Skillcrush I worked for a number of companies where I never knew the whether the company was sinking or sailing. In fact, the closest I came to experiencing so-called “transparency” was an open office structure that allowed me to see the CEO at his desk with a worried look on his face, a look that I saw get worse and worse in the weeks preceding a round of layoffs. And when I got laid off, the only warning was a particularly long management meeting the day before.

Almost everyone I know has a story like this.

In this episode we’re going to talk about exactly what transparency looks like at Skillcrush, and at some of our favorite tech companies, and what it can mean for you as you consider a career in tech. So in the spirit of transparency, let me lay out for you what transparency means to us. In practice, transparency means that every team member has complete access to all of our topline revenue and cost numbers. It means that weekly team reviews—where we go over how each team performed that week—are open to anyone, from any team, if they’re interested. It means that our company goals and roadmaps are available for anyone to look at at anytime. And in most instances, we ask all members of the team to participate in the creation of those goals. And it means that our salaries aren’t a mystery to anyone in the company—even mine.

So why should you care? I’ll tell you! You should care because of what transparency can give you: the feeling of being respected, valued, and the knowledge that your job is safe. Information combats anxiety, and if you’ve ever had anxiety about where you stand at a company, transparency is the answer. Transparency goes hand in hand with including more people in the decision making process, and holding higher ups accountable. Transparency means a seat at the table.

* * * * *

The most radical way we practice transparency has do has to do with salaries. Now, there are companies where you can actually look up every person’s salary, like the social media platform Buffer. They have written extensively about their salary formula and publish a table with every single person’s salary on their website. This is not how we do things at Skillcrush—we don’t make individual people’s salaries known to the public. That’s something that we as a team would have to vote on and all of us would have to agree to it. Instead, we simply have a formula and a set of salary tiers that we’ll cover in more detail in a bit, that in most cases, allows employees to guess each other’s salaries within $5-$10 thousand dollars.

We weren’t always like this: We used to do the traditional method that, even at the time, often felt completely arbitrary. And over the past few years, as my staff grew I became increasingly uncomfortable with how salaries were getting set. As we made more money I found that I was paying new staff higher salaries simply because I had the money to give them, not because they had particularly better qualifications. It was as simple as if you asked me for $70,000 in 2015 I probably agreed to pay you that. But if you had the misfortune of asking for $70,000 in 2014, you were probably stuck down in the $60,000 range.Honestly, it makes me feel terrible to even think about it. And for a while, I lived in fear of my staff talking to one another about their salaries and discovering the ridiculous disparity. I was also rewarding people for being tough negotiators whether or not being a good negotiator had any impact on their job.

Alright, so now it’s time for real talk. Here’s the deal with negotiating: First of all, no one has an objective “worth.” Your worth is based on context and depends wholly on the revenue and profitability of the company and what your contribution to the bottom line is. And pay inequity is everywhere, meaning that people doing the same or similar jobs are not being paid the same amount. This is for a number of reasons—gender, time of hire, negotiating skills—you name it. But they all pretty much fall under the category of unfair bias.

When it came time, I was always negotiating one on one with each staff member, creating a dynamic where I was the miser refusing to open the purse strings. This all came to a head about a year ago when I had two particularly difficult experiences negotiating. In both situations, they wanted way more money than I could fairly give them, but they didn’t see it like that, and they both left the company. And after that I was like screw this this, Skillcrush needs a transparent way to handle salaries and I want everyone to be in on it, including future employees.

After the break, my Director of Operations Caro Griffin will be explaining in detail how our salary tiers work, and what it means for our employees or employees at other tech companies with similar models. And to be transparent, I think it’s pretty damn good…

Scott Morris: When you’re juggling a busy life on top of a 9-to-5, how do you make a career change fast? Skillcrush teaches you everything you need to launch an exciting, creative career in web design or web development. We’ll show you the secret to making money WHILE you learn tech skills, all in just about an hour a day. Today is all about radical transparency—and we want you to get a chance at the security and respect that comes with being kept in the loop. We’re giving away our free ebook, the Beginner’s Guide to Landing a Junior Development Job. Just head over to skillcrush.com/juniordev (all one word) to download your copy. That’s skillcrush.com/juniordev.

Act 2: This Is How We Do It

Adda: Our solution was one that didn’t have a lot of models at the time—salary tiers that not only put everyone on equal footing, but also make it possible for everyone to basically know how much we all make (including me). In the public sector, salary tables are the norm, but in the world of small tech startups when we were first trying to find a solution…not so much. Our producer Haele Wolfe has the story.

Haele Wolfe: So, when I asked our Direction of Operations Caro Griffin for the intel behind Skillcrush’s salary tiers, why we use them, how she feels about them, she got right to the point…

Caro Griffin: This is just the way we do things.

Haele: . . .but was clear that that it didn’t happen overnight.

Caro: The way that we handle negotiations, salaries and wages kinda happened in…evolved over time in a couple parts.

Haele: Like Adda mentioned earlier, company leadership realized that some people had been hired years prior, and that they were underpaid. At the same time, the company was growing, and they wanted to bring in new people at market rate. And, they wanted to do in a way that didn’t involve bias, which we see as being a huge issue in the workforce as a whole. Remember Ellen Pao from our last episode? She brought up this crucial point:

Ellen Pao: If you look at women, like the reason that they’re uncomfortable negotiating is because they get penalized for negotiating. So of course they don’t negotiate.

Haele: So, for all the reasons Adda and Ellen have outlined, Skillcrush wanted to minimize negotiation and make it a fairer process in general.

Caro: Negotiation is hard. It’s stressful for so many people because no one teaches you how to do that unless you go seek out how to do that and it’s like stressful and like there’s so many things tied to it you know it’s your livelihood and especially if you’re excited about the job and you don’t want to ruin it and everybody handles it differently. Yeah it’s an unnecessary anxiety and you’re rewarding skills that you don’t need for the job so why should we reward for that skill unless we were hiring for it.

Haele: This also became a conversation around our company values, and the kind of environment Skillcrush should foster.

Caro: I think just also from a moral standpoint I don’t agree with negotiation like this? We feel like people shouldn’t have to negotiate like we should just give them what we can give them and they can decide if that’s right for them.

Haele: So, Caro did some digging and saw that there weren’t tons of examples out there…until….

Caro: I read this great article by Molly Graham about salary tiers and this kind of model for like establishing up front what your role should pay and then how to go about hiring people at those rates and communicating to them that you don’t negotiate. I love like everything she has written. I’m like…all of it has radically changed my thinking about some things, including salary tiers!

Haele: To give some context, Molly is a Silicon Valley executive, and current VP of Operations at the Chan-Zuckerberg Foundation, where she works on strategic plans and operations to help other execs hired to lead programs in education, science, policy, and engineering. We’ll link to her article Caro is referring to in our show notes.

Caro: It sounded very straightforward and very fair and very in line with our values as a company. And also from a practical standpoint it seemed like something that would save us a lot of time and energy and like strife. I was like, “I don’t know if I should share numbers when I talk about this,” but I think it would be great to share our salary tiers.

Haele: This was the basic premise of what the whole management team implemented: If you are a full time employee at our company, you start at a baseline of $55,000 per year. Then, we have specific levers that add on that increase salaries by 5-10 thousand per lever, including factors like how many people you manage, how many skills you bring to the company, or how long you’ve worked at Skillcrush. The idea is that this tries to remove subjectivity, but as we’ll cover in a bit, there’s only so much we can limit. It also means some intense transparency among our staff—everyone can likely figure out exactly how much their coworker makes using these levers. To change over to this plan, we needed a transition.

Caro: We released these tiers and realized that a significant amount of our employees were being underpaid and I’m comfortable sharing that I was one of the ones that was the most off based on the tiers, so I kind of got to see first hand how that worked both as someone who put that together and as someone who was financially affected by it.

Haele: As Adda pointed out to me, this was a kind of heroic effort on Caro’s part to negotiate up on behalf of everyone on the team, who were, in general, underpaid.

Caro: We basically made a list of everyone and how much they were off from their current rate to what the tier said they should be at. And then we looked at the differences and the people who were the most off got paid. So like the person who was the most off got paid enough to get them to the same difference that the next person that was off. So like if one person was 10 grand off and the next person was eight grand off then the first person got a two grand raise and they were both eight grand off and then they both got raises until, you know. And so it was like incremental in that way. And we dedicated a certain percentage of our profits every month to raising those people up until we all got up to where we needed to be. So, it was kind of fun. I got raise every month for like several months and Adda was like, “Don’t get used to this!! Here’s your raise again!” It was like, via Hipchat, “You’re up again! You’re up again! Haele: You’re like, “Great, thanks, love you, bye!” Caro: Yeah, “K, thanks, Love you, bye!” Like, that’s such a Skillcrush kind of thing!

Haele: The salary tiers also give us an idea of what’s to come, which is typically not available in most companies. You sort of wait and hope for a cost-of-living raise, and maybe ask for promotions?

Caro: As an industry like a lot of people say they like “but there’s a lot of opportunity for job growth!” Like as an excuse sometimes and it’s like no you can look at our tiers and if you move into a manager position you can expect to make X more and if you stay with the company a year you’re going to get an X bump for longevity. Like it’s pretty you know it’s a decent road map of how you can grow with the company and what you’re compensation would look like.

Haele: The system also helps to even out the discrepancies that can occur between roles at a company. This is a particularly rampant problem in tech—and something I can speak to personally. At a major tech company, I’d get paid half of what junior developers make. Instead…

Caro: I think one of the things that I’m most proud of with the salary tiers is that it reduces …it dramatically reduces the gap between technical and non technical talent. And it’s something that I see a lot of startups do. I will not name names, but I was recently looking at an Angel List profile for a company that was going to pay a junior front-end developer like $90k and they were going to pay their Operations manager 35. Um… and this is a New York based company and I was like, How do … Haele: I was going to say hopefully they’re not living in a city! Caro: No it was a New York based.. New York City. And I was like how can you pay anyone $35k in New York City much less a manager and then expect the junior engineer to make three times as much. And it was just very like, I’m sure there are non-technical people making fair wages there and good wages, but that tells me right there that I don’t have a real seat at the table as a non-technical person. And so I think like, that’s something I really appreciate about ours, is that I do think it’s like we value everyone’s roles and everyone’s contribution to the company and I think our salary tiers speak to that.

Haele: So this is an attempt at making professional life a little easier, a less stressful. But, like I said, it’s not a perfect formula. According to Caro, we still have to refine our skill tiers to make it less subjective, better define middle management, and make adjustments around international employees. We need to address the difference between supervising work and being a manager—one gets you more money and one doesn’t—and we need to add some new levels to our org chart to accommodate our growing company. And new levels mean new tiers, new levers to pull, and new considerations. I’m looking forward to the all-hands meeting where we decide on what that looks like, together.

Act 3: What Does This Mean for You and Me?

Adda: So, what are other companies doing with transparency? Is there such a thing as too much transparency? And most importantly, what does it mean for the people working at those companies? I spoke to two fellow entrepreneurs who both practice their own brand of radical transparency.

Bea Arthur: Yes! My name is Bea Arthur and I am a licensed mental health counselor and three-time startup founder. Currently my latest project is The Difference which is a machine learning mental health startup. Josh Pigford: OK, cool, so. I’m Josh Pigford, founder of BareMetrics, we do revenue analytics, amongst other things. We help businesses grow is really sort of our focus.

Adda: I wanted to talk to Josh and Bea because each of their types of transparency is a little different than how we do things at Skillcrush. They both are very open about their companies externally. In Josh’s case, that means that you can literally see Baremetric’s real time revenue on his company’s site, and in the case of Bea, it was about writing extensively about her company’s closure. I wanted to know what inspired them to share these stories and numbers with everyone, and how it has impacted them, their companies, and their staff.

Adda: Yeah I mean I guess that’s my big question for you, is like why do you do it? Like I’ve read blog posts of yours that are very like, vulnerable and they expose a lot. Like what it is that…like why do you put yourself out there like that? Josh: So writing for me is like start up therapy. So like, it’s most of the writing is not coming from a place of me like an authoritative,like “Hey here’s what you should do.” I don’t know what I’m doing, so I’m writing it so I can figure it out. Bea: Yeah it’s so funny, people are always like, you’re so brave, you’re so brave. I’m just, I was really going through it. And, the best thing that happened, the best best thing that happened when the company closed was the so many people reached out to me, people that I didn’t even, people that were more acquaintances or people that I never met in person, and were like, this happened to me, I know what it’s like, it’s gonna be okay.

Adda: But there is risk involved in this from CEO point of view—and one that has an impact on my employees future security.

Josh: Like, if we were today to broach the subject of making all our stuff public and it had not been, I don’t know that I would choose to do that. Um, at this point, because it’s super risky.

Adda: At the top, you heard me announce our monthly numbers to our team….but you’ll notice that you didn’t hear me announce the actual number. As you might imagine, given that this whole podcast episode is about transparency, we had A LOT of internal discussion about whether or not to include the recording of the actual numbers. In this clip, you will hear me debating this question with Director of Operations Caro Griffin, Director of Curriculum Chelsea Jennings, and Director of Marketing Hilary Fetter.

Adda: So I should’ve like thought about this a little bit more ahead of time, but basically we’re doing this episode about transparency and I guess (sighs) the big question is how…cause I know we’re transparent internally, but I guess the big question is like how transparent should we be externally? Hilary Fetter: How does it hurt us? Adda: The question I’m trying to ask is I’m trying to ask is why would we do it? It’s a general practice of transparency like “Okay, we’re going to put it all on the table” because I think there is something very strange about we are transparent but we hold this one piece of incredibly crucial information back. You know what I mean? Chelsea Jennings: Yeah, I was going to say, I agree, I think it aligns with our company values that we’re practicing internally but why not do it in a more outward facing way that’s still in alignment with who we are and what we do and who we represent. Caro: Salary tiers in particular I’m all for sharing, because I think we wouldn’t have salary tiers if someone else hadn’t shared their salary tiers. And I guess from a revenue standpoint I’m a little bit more like, “Whatever!” I guess move would probably be yes but I don’t have strong feelings necessarily either way. Hilary: Um, cause I was struggling with like okay in terms of my question of what detriments would it have is if we were going down the path of like thinking about some sort of acquisition, is it bad that we had laid all of this on the table early. It would be a part of any due diligence conversation that is had, but I don’t know if it would turn people away or bring them in like “Holy shit they’re really profitable” because it’s right on the edge. Chelsea: It could be like yeah, “Hey that’s impressive!” or “Oh my god, they’ve been around for how long and that’s all they’re bringing in?”

Adda: So we went back and forth, trying to figure out what the line is between practicing radical transparency across the board but also protecting our company’s future, and our company’s employees, and eventually decided….

Adda: Okay so I guess I…my inclination is not to share revenue. But yeah I guess the bottom line is that I’m worrying about unintended consequences that I’m not aware of basically that’s my fear. And it feels like it’s one thing—I do readily tell people in person all of the time and I will continue to do that, but there’s something about putting it in a podcast forever and ever and that seems really scary.

Adda: Of course, two days after this conversation, I remembered that I’d actually shared our revenue numbers on a different podcast! So if you really wanna know, go check out Whitney Johnson’s awesome podcast Disrupt Yourself. BUT—telling you numbers or not, internal transparency is still key to our company. Everyone from our most senior managers to part time employees has access to our revenue and are actively informed of our numbers each month.

SO, what does this mean for tech employees? This is all well and great for CEOS, but also, who cares about CEOs? Here’s Josh again.

Josh: Um, I mean, to some extent I feel like the employees we have are, in part, because of the transparency. They also know what they’re getting into like up front, there’s not this thing of, I don’t know anything about Bare Metrics. Well like, it’s all out there. It’s like, understanding how people work, and the transparency thing is like a very sensitive knob to adjust when it comes to people on your team. You know when you have a low month or a slow month the team, like, that affects them. You know? Adda: Right. Yeah. I mean, sure, certainly. Right, I mean, you’re talking about the psychology—I mean, I will say that I have this issue with my team. Like, there was a month where we were cash-flow negative just a few months ago, and it was the first time we had been cash-flow negative in awhile, and I had a bunch of people worried about their jobs, and I was like, it was funny for me, because a lot of those people had been around a year ago when it was cash-flow negative like month after month after month, and I was kind of like, “Guys! You guys have such short term memories! Do you remember when we lost so much money, so many months in a row? And you’re still here! You know what I mean? I didn’t let you go!” But that was an interesting—you know what I mean, it was a reminder that I really have to like, put everything in context, because like, it’s obviously like, does that conversation trickle down?

Adda: Another problem we encountered when putting this episode together is how to show the view from the other side of the table—from what would be your side. Lauren Lang is a member of our sales team, and was in the meeting where I explained that everyone’s jobs were safe. She spoke to our producer Julia—because hey, how transparent could she really be, having to talk to me, the big boss?

Lauren Lang: I would totally be comfortable with Adda hearing any of this. We had some lackluster sales numbers last month, and morale was down. We were feeling kind of bummed, and on top of that, we felt kind of unsure of what we’d done right, what we’d done wrong, and didn’t really have a sense of like, how serious it was. So, were we in trouble? Was the company going to have to start laying people off? And, in our daily sales department meeting, which Adda, our CEO, always attends, she sensed our tension and she pulled up the latest P&L spreadsheet right then and there, and walked us through it to show us that, as a business, we were totally solvent, and okay. And that was just such a relief. It was more important to her that we felt united as a team and felt like we were gonna be okay.

Julia: Look, we’re not just trying to get in with the boss. Like we said, our salaries come from a formula—it’s not like she can deny me my yearly raise, it happens automatically. But what we are getting at is that for people like us who work in an industry leading the way in transparency, it’s everything.

Lauren: So, to me, professional transparency is the idea that people do better work when they’re fully invested. And they can’t be fully invested unless they know what’s going on. So being transparent means sharing information that requires a certain amount of trust and good faith in your employees, but also demonstrates respect for their intelligence and commitment to the company.

Adda: I’m happy to hear what Lauren said! And, yeah, Julia’s not getting a raise for that segment. So, transparency is about giving employees tools and abilities to decide for themselves, and to hold bosses accountable to do right by their employees. Transparency is a growing movement in tech companies, especially among smaller startups.

And there’s a lot of reasons for this trend, but I think one major factor is that techie types are all about data, and transparency is about giving information to the people who need it most: the people on the ground making the decisions.

My own motivation for being transparent is moral—yes, but also largely pragmatic: I need to delegate, and how could I possibly delegate while withholding information my employees need to do their jobs? And how could they do their jobs well if they felt like they were standing on quicksand?

Plus, telling the truth is sanitizing. Being transparent holds me accountable to my employees in my decision making. Sunlight really is the greatest antiseptic.

So yes, we’re transparent about material things like goals, and revenue, and salary tiers, but we also try to practice honesty in all aspects of the business. Everyday. Even when it hurts. And I think for you as someone who might be interviewing or researching potential new employers, this is what you should expect and demand.

You deserve the respect and security of knowing what’s actually going on. You deserve control. You deserve a seat at the table and you deserve to have all the same information everyone else has.

And you should be able to hold higher ups accountable to their decisions.

To quote the GREAT Barbra Streisand: Truth is everything. I love the truth!

Haele: We’re produced by me—Haele Wolfe—and Julia Sonenshein. We’re edited and our music is composed by Arlen Ginsburg. Our art is by Monalisa Kabos. Kelli Smith and Scott Morris read our ads. Huge thanks to Bea Arthur and Josh Pigford for their critical insight, and for leading the way with transparency.

Shoutout to our whole crew at Skillcrush—especially to Lauren and Caro for talking with us, and to the leadership team who let us crash their meeting. We love you.

You can find us on itunes, Soundcloud, Stitcher, or wherever you get your podcasts. Subscribe and PLEASE leave us a review. We read every single one. We also want to let you know that we make so much more content that can help you move forward in your career—whether you’re a total tech newbie or navigating your new skills on the job market. Come hang out with us at skillcrush.com/blog for articles, worksheets, guides, and even comics. Our newsletter is awesome, so be sure to sign up. See you in two weeks.

Kelli: Thinking about a career in tech but not sure where to start? With The Break Into Tech Career Blueprint, you’ll work with a career counselor to design a custom learning program to prepare you for an amazing and rewarding career—whether that’s launching your own freelance business, working full-time for a busy tech company, or buzzing in from the beach as a digital nomad. Visit skillcrush.com today to chat with a career counselor and see why learning tech with Skillcrush is the answer for your next career move. We’re giving away our free ebook, the Beginner’s Guide to Landing a Junior Development Job. Just head over to skillcrush.com/juniordev (all one word) to download your copy. That’s skillcrush.com/juniordev.

from Web Developers World https://skillcrush.com/2017/11/29/hit-refresh-podcast-radical-transparency-transcript/