#i think i've read it every year from 12th grade to the last year of university | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

tojikai · 2 years

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Hey kai

How are you?????

Hope ur doing good

Me currently I'm depressed

As I've told u b4 the exam that I'll be giving on 17th of this month is a really big exam, it'll determine my future, but this year the system was soooo unjust. Usually for exam we get proper 12 months bcs in this exam 11th and 12th grade physics chem and biology come combined and the question paper has a total of 200 questions out of which we have to answer 180 to score full marks (720) in 3 hrs.

U see bcs of corona, unlike other countries, our schooling went downhill

And me being so unlucky, i was in the unluckiest school batches of all, the batch of 2021😭

12th finals got canceled, schooling was also not done properly (and in our country 10th, 12th and then entrance exams literally decide our career)

So, for this entrance exam, most people of my batch from the whole country took a drop (we also gave the entrance exam the same year we 'passed' 12th but since we lacked even the basic knowledge bcs srsly no classes were taken properly during online school, it went really bad)

Now there is, or should i say WAS, an age limit of 25 for general catagory (like its complicated here, there's general catagory which get no benefit and then like sc and st and ews which are protected tribes and castes who dont even have taxes to pay and are literally immune to everything, plus their cutoff for exam is also low AND THEY ALSO HAVE 80% RESERVED SEATS IN ALL COLLEGES....I'm general🥲)

But this year even that was removed(age limit)....so now anyone can give exam...and lets say there are only 10000 seats for us(generals, which btw the others can also get, the 10k seats are just unreserved seats but since their cuttoff is low they can get the seat there....lol) in this exam right? There are 180000+ candidates this year...🥲

U see how unlucky I am?

Now the exam due to corona last year had late counseling rounds which lasted up to april of this year (it decides which college we get) and we gave exam on september, which was also bcs of corona hence late exam

Then....this month we have our exam which barely gave us 9 months to prepare all over again.....we begged the exam conducting body to postpone...they didn't....and if u see the situation the country is in rn (like there are literal floods, landslides and everything going on rn in 24/29 states here) they still wont postpone.....

Idk if u read this

In short I'm very depressed

Students even filed a case in HC but they just ridiculed us and the case was dismissed within 1hr........

Btw i love ur stories 🥲🙂💕

Stay safe and hydrated 👋

I'll be back reading ur stuff after julys over i gues.....bcs I'll be sulking in my room till the 30th....

Bye2🥲👋

hiii, im doing good thank you so much !! but hey, im sorry about that situation. like.. that's unfair for the learners. every aspect of it; the quality of education, the allocation of slots and the time to prepare is a bit unfair to you guys. i mean with the way the education system is going right now, the students made a lot of adjustments for the new methods of the government and different educational institutions, i think it's only fair for them to adjust these factors related to the exams too. that's really sad, cause students are always on the receiving end of the problems, may it be about an issue with the allotted time to review or the slots to be given, students always get the shorter end of the stick bc those in position refuse to adjust :(( im not really familiar with how your education system works but i get why you feel so down. things concerning our future can cause great stress bc it feels like everything depends on it and it probably does, but it's gonna be fine, you're gonna be fine, nonnie !! i hope you feel better soon and i wish you luck on everything !! <33

#🍭—kaitalks

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carpisuns · 2 years

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Hello! You’ve mentioned you’re and editor, and I’m taking a class called Writing for Communication Career, so I was curious if you agreed with some of the class’ takes. Are action verbs superior to the us of adverbs and adjectives? And, from what I’ve observed on Tumblr, many fanfiction writers write to express themselves and write what they want. This class advocates writing as an act of service, making said craft more about the audience than the writer. Writing fanfiction and writing professionally are different, to say the least, but I’d love to know someone else’s opinion. Another question: how long does it usually take you to edit your fics? Have a great day!

hi! yes, i minored in editing in college and i've been working as an editor professionally for the last 5 or so years :)

tbh i don't think there's a "correct" answer to whether action verbs are superior to adverbs. they're both just tools you can use to convey your meaning, and your purpose and style can vary. i'd say it depends on the situation. on one hand, there's definitely some merit in the advice to focus on strengthening your verbs rather than relying on adverbs to carry meaning that could be carried by the verb in a more concise and precise way. "he walked slowly through the halls"—sure. that tells us something. but does "he meandered through the halls" give us a more vivid and accurate portrayal of what you mean? What about "he trudged"? "he shuffled"? "he crept"? "he moped"? There are a lot of words that in the most basic sense mean "walk slowly," but they each have a slightly different flavor and meaning. clear, strong writing uses clear, strong descriptors.

on the other hand, you can definitely take this advice too far, to the point that it's actually unhelpful. i grow weary of hearing people talk about adverbs like they are Forbidden Words you must never use if you want to be a good writer. I hear this all the time with other things too. "said is dead! it's boring and repetitive! here's a list of 50000 words you can use instead!" and when I was in 12th grade, my English teacher docked points on our essays every time we used a be verb (am, is, are, was, were, be, being, been, do, does, did, has, have, had, may, might, must, would, should, could, can, will, shall).

these kinds of "rules" were invented to prevent legitimate problems, but there are other, more effective ways to address those same problems. and sometimes, there isn't actually a problem at all. sure, boring adverbs can weaken your writing, but what about the cool, awesome ones? I remember once i read in a book that a character "fell spectacularly." I was delighted with this adverb. it had flavor to me. powerful adverbs can be just as effective as powerful verbs. and what if there just isn't an action verb that will properly convey your meaning by itself? adverbs are simply descriptors, and you need description in your writing. sure, said sounds repetitive if you use it 1000 times in a row. but will replacing all those saids with another word really fix the problem if it's your sentence structure that's repetitive? mix it up with action beats and no-attribution dialogue! balance it out. and yes, omitting be verbs forces you to perform mental gymnastics to construct what some would consider a stronger sentence. but sometimes it just sounds convoluted and pretentious lol

the point is, it's not realistic or helpful to omit entire parts of speech from your writing. adverbs, be verbs, the word said—these are all valuable, needed parts of the English language. they're not bad guys. just try to use them effectively and consider whether there's a stronger way to say what you're trying to say.

Anyway!!!! for your second question, about writing as an act of service that's more about the audience than the writer, i think that's generally true but again depends on the situation. for a class called "Writing for Communication Career," it makes sense for them to tell you that your audience is the priority. that will be the case with most professional writing. for example, i work mostly with children's content, so editing to fit a child audience's needs is my top priority. but fanfic? that's for ME lol. like, yes, i share my fic for others to read and i hoard nice comments like a dragon, but i'd say i mostly write fic to suit my own personal tastes and wants, knowing that others will likely share them. basically with fic i take the "selfish" approach to writing, and i think that's a valid approach that makes sense for what i'm doing. if the main purpose of the writing is personal expression/entertainment, then the primary audience is you, so you serve the audience's needs by writing the way you want to write. of course, if you intend to share your work, then you're expanding that audience beyond yourself, and it's good and often essential to consider how it will be received and how you can shape it to best convey your message to that wider audience. considering your audience is aa good rule of thumb for any type of writing because that will affect the way you craft it.

and lastly, how long does it take me to edit my fics—i don't really do individual editing passes because i edit as i go. which makes me an excruciatingly slow writer lol. i just have a very hard time turning off my editor brain so sometimes i'll labor over one sentence for 20 minutes trying to refine it before i move on fdjasfjkl

argh sorry this is so long but i hope this is at least somewhat helpful<3

#ask #xxxcertifiednerdxxx #writing

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emrys-rusts · 3 years

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Ooh I forgot but happy bday Dostoevsky!

I guess..

I mean, I wanted to draw something based on your books, because I adore your stories a lot but school has been giving me hell so I'm writing this thank you letter instead! I hope that's alright with you.

Where should I start...

The first time I opened one of your works was about 1 year ago, that is when I was 13-14. It was september or october, and I'll never forget the amazing time I had reading Crime and Punishment. To be honest, I didn't really know what I was getting into back then, I had just recently gotten into reading again.

I had been having a hard time. In first grade I practicly drowned myself in the fantasy genre, kept myself away from everyone, not much because I held bad opinions about them, but because I simply forgot and didn't know the world around me. I didn't want to know the world and wasn't aware of its horrors. I didn't know that making friends was a thing I didn't know how to do.

So when I got into second grade (11-12) my mind obviously went bonkers and I yearned for change and friends. I desperately tried to find that fantasy genre in the real world, and grew bitter when I couldn't find it. I blamed my issues on my passionate reading, and disregarded each of my books, completely ceasing to read much, if anything. I assume it was also because of burnout, for my grades started getting worse although they were never very good in the first place, but I digress.

My 12th to 13th year was spent in much emotion I won't elaborate on, and at the end of my third school year I yearned back the close connection I had reading. This somehow led me to a path of classical literature. I read horror, from horror to E.A.Poe (an amazing writer) and at last to you, well, Crime and Punishment.

At this point I was completely devastated at the sheer mysery around me. The world seemed to me a horrible place, as I had trouble comprehending the injustice many were supposed to face daily. Everyone seemed to me unreal, and no genuine feelings and intentions were to be found in anyone. The world seemed to me a horrible, horrible lie with lies and lies and lies atop oneanother, feeding us spoons of sugar that would not satisfy our hunger.

Reading Crime and Punishment for the first time filled me with a burning hope.

To me it was something that finally shed light to the truth, to honesty and God did I feel reasured and safe.

It felt more real to me than anything ever.

Tears of joy escaped me. I loved how I had found beauty in the honesty about how disgusting, desperate, shattered and all of that! All of that, the world was. There is no greater love than seeing life for what it is, and still loving it, loving many, many people. People amaze me now, each and every one of them, they fill me with joy. I feel more alive through them. They tend to be younger people though, I'm not going to lie. They are all genuine. I love genuine, your books are genuine.

Haha Im ranting again I just cant seem to find the words...I couldn't find the words when I first felt utter happiness at finishing Crime and Punishment and it seems I still cant now..

I can love the world. I think there is no greater gift than that.

I would also like to thank you for all my friends. I also thank you my friend for being my friends!

I've met them through your books you know? I made this silly discord server for people who like reading your books and we have you rolling in your grave at all times-

Those friends are the world to me. I think they are the most beautiful people to ever exist and give me as much base of reality as your stories do.

What I'm trying to say is that ;

The world is a cruel place, yet I can love it despite that because there is

Much much love, and beauty, and the ugly is perfect too. I can now love the world with knowing the truth and I live without fear. It puts me at peace.

So thank you dussy! Also I love the brothers Karamazov a lot <33 lots to brainrot about don't mind me crying at almost 1 am Im going to the dentist tomorrow anyway HA FUCK YOU SCHOOL

Please deliver us those missing alyosha and pavel interactions I know the drafts are somewhere-

My friend Vanya has his own bday tomorrow! Please wish happy bday back they deserve it :>

#lmao why did I write this #noone actually has to read this pls its just me ranting because I cant sleep and it calms me down or idkdikd #these books just mean a lot to me idk how to describe it I dont feel like I put my feelings into words well #deal with it #love ya #idk #classical literature #fyodor dostoevsky #russian literature #the brothers karamazov #crime and punishment #the idiot #demons

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samtheflamingomain · 3 years

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25.21%

I've been sober for 3 months today. 92 days. 25.21% of 2021.

I could've posted more updates, more milestones (it took a LOT not to post on Day 69) but I wanted to kind of save it up for a Big Day. It was also a decent way to continue to incentivize my continued sobriety: a full pass to do a shameless, hardcore bragging sesh.

Anyway, this post comes in 2 parts: the TL;DR for those who only want the gist, then more in depth on my ability to stay sober, the lasting effects of rehab, etc.

I tried my damnedest to pare this absolute novel down, but it's long, so feel free to dip out if you just get bored. Onward!

TL;DR: I went to rehab the beginning of July for 3 weeks and haven't had a drop of alcohol since. I've lost weight, I'm more healthy, my daily anxiety level went from 8 to 2, I haven't had an anxiety attack in 3 months, and everything generally just seems... easier. My memory and concentration have improved. I've been productive and I've been meditating every day. I'm saving money, and while I sometimes fantasize about getting drunk, that's usually all it is.

Honestly, it's been much easier than I expected, but I think a lot of that is because for the first 3 weeks, the time in which I would usually break down and start drinking again when trying to get sober myself, was spent behind a locked door. So far I haven't had any days where I was close to giving in. I haven't had many days where I've been depressed about it, missing it or really tempted. Maybe 3-4. I've basically just gotten on with my life as if alcohol doesn't exist.

To wrap up the short version for those ready to peace out, I'll leave it with a bit of advice.

I don't feel qualified to give any specific advice, because my story feels very unique to me, and I honestly don't think what worked for me will work for MOST people. Sometimes people spend a year in rehab and still drive straight to the liquor store on their way home.

That said, there's one thing that I've found pretty universally true: you have to really want it. For a while, I floated about without much of a "reason" to stay sober. I don't have a spouse, kids or a job I've been fired from, so I didn't see the point.

It's taken me a while, but after not being "convinced" by a few superficial "reasons" like weight loss and saving money, I thought I needed something more... permanent? Consequential? I now realize that my "reason" for getting sober at a young age after only a few years of alcoholism is that I don't want it to get to a point where I'm hurting other people, drinking myself into multiple lasting health problems... I don't want it to become permanent or consequential.

Anyway, that's my two cents. If you do have something like kids or trouble keeping a job, definitely use that as your reason. But for anyone who's a pretty "functional" alcoholic like I was, "not letting it go on long enough to become disfunctional" is a good enough reason.

This is going to get stupid long, so feel free to walk away now, just glad you read this much and it really does mean the world when people listen to what I have to say.

Now some more things in depth. I'll go in chronological order: what made me get sober, what I took from rehab (and what I left), and how it's been the past few months.

I started drinking when I got kicked out, manic out of my mind and homeless unable to sleep. It took a while until I was able to sleep without alcohol, but by then the addict brain had taken over. I'd tried a few times to get sober myself, but I never made it more than a week without, and always got back to daily drinking after a few months maximum.

Some people need a "wake up call", a "last straw" or a "rock bottom". Something external to make them realize they can't go on as they are. For me, the catalyst was my health, which is more of an internal reason I suppose. I didn't have a heart attack or liver failure, but my anxiety was getting uncontrollable and I knew it was directly tied to my drinking.

My life had been starting to feel tolerable, and I was more financially secure than ever before. Things were looking up... except for the alcoholism. This is a weird analogy but the only one that makes sense to express why, if I was doing so well on paper, I decided to go to rehab: you have to sweep before you mop. If I hadn't been in the place I was, I don't think I would've been successful at rehab. I had to sweep up the cat turds from the floor of my life before I was able to mop up the shit stains with sobriety. I know, I'm a true wordsmith.

When I finally called the hotline that hooked me up with a bunch of different rehabs, I knew I was in for a wait. It was about 5 months from that call to checking in, which isn't too bad considering I've been on the waitlist for a neuropsychiatrist in ALL OF CANADA for 4 years.

That brings us to July 12th, Rehab Day One. I've gone in depth in multiple other posts but to touch on it briefly, if I had to describe my experience in a sentence I'd say "the place I went to got very lucky with me".

What this means is that, of the 5 people in my group, I think this exact program was only ever going to help me. At the same time, I didn't even know what I would need, but this exact program was 90% of it. I didn't think 3 weeks would be long enough, but for me it was. The hours-long, repetitive, basic-ass CBT groups held 5 times a day 7 days a week was absolute torture for everyone but myself. While it was a drag to spend an hour on defining what a cognitive distortion is, the routine and repetition, something I've never gotten out of any outpatient program, helped me to really absorb the information and let it rewire my brain.

I've always said that I'm someone who should be spending an hour a day with a therapist for the rest of my life, and while that's not even remotely feasible, this was as close as it's ever gotten, and it proved me right, because it worked. I've done biweekly therapy for a short time but even that didn't come close to the way my brain changed in those 3 short weeks.

This program required absolute commitment and open-mindedness. This isn't because it was hard work or difficult concepts, but quite the opposite. While I hate the entire concept of art therapy being used as a cure-all for mental illness, I willingly got out of my bed, went downstairs and tried doing a dot mandala for an hour because I'm willing to try anything to get better. A lot of people might think they are, but really aren't. To use the mandala as an example, one guy was really into it, I wasn't, but we both finished. The other 3 tried, messed up a few times, and then scrolled through their phones. When I say this program necessitates complete engagement, that's not a compliment. It shouldn't be a chore to engage with the program. It shouldn't take me actively saying "I know I've known this basic concept since 4th grade, but maybe hearing it again will help" to get something out of a rehab program. So again, in every way, I got lucky, and so did they.

Before I finish with the rehab section, having had a few months to reflect on the whole thing, I now have an endless list of things wrong with it. I arrived, greeted by the most jaded and disillusioned of staff, and quickly became disturbed and at points concerned with just how negligent the staff are.

Maybe it's because I've been on the psych ward where they won't even let you have shoelaces and shine a flashlight on your face every half hour through the night, but it could've been so incredibly easy to sneak in alcohol. I brought 2 full water bottles, fully expecting to have to dump them out upon arrival, but they said "nah it's fine". Is it though?

Then there were actual counsellors there who were... okay. I recall one, the one I thought was the smartest, reading a handout aloud and coming across the word "delve" as in "let's delve into..." and stumbled, then said she doesn't know that word. The room was silent. As she pulled up Google on the screen I said, "it means to dive into it". She Googled it anyway. Synonyms include "dive in". If that was the only example I wouldn't mention it, but this was the first of at least 10 words she had do Google, none past a 10th grade level, from HER OWN MATERIAL. From that point on it became clear that they had no fucking idea what they were doing.

We had one last one-on-one counselling session before we left and the counsellor just filled in boxes to questions on her computer, rephrasing everything I said to fit into the buzzwords and "lessons" we'd "learned". Example. Me: I do think I'm better able to catch myself thinking 'oh I can just have one drink' and say 'no I can't'." Her: "Okay, so would you say that you can recognize negative cognitive distortions like permission-giving thoughts and counter them with a more rational and less emotional mind?" Like girl, blink twice if your boss is holding your family hostage. She gave me some papers, detailing all the online courses they were signing me up for and options for more treatment they'd be sending me, a phone number to call and a phone appointment for the next Monday. I never got that call, the phone number is a hotline, I never got a single email from them, and given how shitty they really are at their jobs, I didn't feel the inclination to try and get those resources. If they even exist in the first place.

In summation, it was a place where it was physically impossible to get alcohol. That's really all I can say in its favor. Oh, and they let you have your cell phone.

Now on our timeline I'm back home. I want to kind of analyze why it's been easy for me.

I often said that my main goal of going to rehab was to lock me away from alcohol long enough for it to reset my brain. Most people thought that was naïve, but that's exactly what happened. But I'm well aware that my experience of "instantly became sober and literally hasn't had a single hard day in 3 months" is absurdly unusual.

I put this down to a few things. Firstly, I'm on seven different meds for my mental health. Almost all of them have their effects dulled or even eliminated when you drink. So when I noticed my mood, fatigue, memory, concentration etc all getting better at once - right about as I left rehab, I don't think it would be a stretch to say that all those meds started working properly.

Secondly, I've been keeping myself busy, but that's something I've always been good at. Now I specifically choose to undertake projects that will eat up a lot my time and put me in a state of flow. I recently made an entire card game from scratch, and let me tell you, I didn't think of alcohol for a week.

Thirdly, my other goals now get in the way of alcohol. I'm getting old and my body is deteriorating. But I've always wanted to do just one last season of gymnastics. Well, I need to lose weight for that to happen. I've already lost 35 pounds, and after another 20 I'll be ready to go. Also, I used to spend more on alcohol per month than rent. Even though I've done a few shopping sprees lately, I haven't come remotely close to how much I was spending before.

I want it more than anything. I want to be sober more than I want one night of "fun" that will more likely than not lead me back to where I was a year ago. I never want to need anything as much as I needed alcohol.

Lastly, just a few more random thoughts.

A lot of people, myself included, worried about the fact that I work at a bar as a cook, but honestly the entire time I'm there I'm thinking about food, not alcohol. If I'm hanging out with some regulars before/after, I can watch them drink and be perfectly fine with my coffee, because the coffee is $2, and I used to spend $20 after every work shift.

I also decided in rehab to start taking better care of myself as best I could. This started with getting my second vax which I'd been putting off, then an eye appointment, then new glasses, then a dentist appointment where I was informed I need to do $3000 worth of work on my implant that's erroding my bone matter, so that sucks, but I caught it early. I've also been meditating every day. In just 3 months, I've made pretty big improvements to my self-care and my daily routine.

One of my fears about sobriety was "missing out" on "having fun". A few days ago, all my housemates got together to play Mario Party, and it was kind of my first night doing something social while sober. It was a breath of fresh air - I wasn't constantly running to piss, I didn't worry about running out of alcohol, I didn't get sloppy and obnoxious as I can sometimes do. I even came very very close to winning my first game of MP. When I reflected on the night, I realized that, if I'd been getting drunk the whole time, I would've sucked at the minigames, been a hindrance to anyone unfortunate enough to be teamed with me, and likely would've stopped caring about the game itself after the first few turns.

Yesterday I was making my 4th pot of coffee of the day when I realized there was a full glass of wine just sitting on the counter. I had absolutely no idea where the hell it came from - nobody in my house drinks wine. I shrugged and poured that sweet sweet bean juice. It was only when I sat down and took a sip of coffee did I find myself thinking automatically, "this tastes so much better than wine". I only realized then that it had been rose wine, the only kind I've ever been able to tolerate. It was the ultimate moment of possible temptation, and the thought of just chugging that glass - as I may've done in the past - didn't even cross my mind.

I'm so glad to be where I am. I'm about to undergo some serious financial changes - i.e. going absolutely broke - but drinking isn't gonna help that, so I'm cautiously optimistic.

Stay Greater, Flamingos.

#rehab #alcoholism #alcohol tw #sam #recovery #sobriety

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cookinguptales · 4 years

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I've a small query (if it doesn't float your boat, no worries!) I was interested in how you got into learning languages, what led you to it? I've become curious since learning a new language as an adult has only increased my awe of multilingual folk (additionally, I vaguely remember a post about a request in exchange for a donation to charity, and wondered if there were any you'd like a donation to)

First of all, good luck with the language learning! It’s not easy as an adult, but I do think it’s worth it, both in terms of cultural fluency and brain elasticity.

My answer to the language thing is actually extremely complicated, so I’ll be putting it under the cut. I’ll put the charity stuff above the cut so more people can see it.

— I’d just like to warn you, though, before I start, that I have been locked in this house for over a month with no respite and I HAVE A LOT OF WORDS AND FEELINGS IN ME SO THIS POST HAS SO MANY OF BOTH OF THOSE THINGS!!

anyway

There are so many charities that I want to donate to now that it honestly makes my head spin. Every time I look at a site like GoFundMe it kind of makes me want to cry. So a lot of donations I’ve made have been to like local businesses, restaurants, etc. who will close down without help. (Also a lot of local native groups, who are disproportionately suffering right now.) I’ve also been donating to various food banks — Philabundance, a Philly-centric charity that deals with food insecurity in general, is a good one. That was a regular of mine even before the outbreak. I’ve also donated to a lot of the local services in the small town where I’m in now, though you’ll need to PM me if you want the name of that. (It’s… very small.)

Off Their Plate is another great charity that’s been working with small restaurants (who can’t open for business) to get food to first responders. They’re partnered with World Central Kitchen, which is another fantastic charity that helps out during disasters. Plus well-known ones like Feeding America, No Kid Hungry (important while school is out and kids aren’t getting breakfast/lunch there), Direct Relief, etc.

(I uhhh may have overstrained my charity budget the past couple months. It’s odd how that adds to stress and relieves it at the same time.)

I tend to avoid religious charities, especially Salvation Army, because they’re occasionally discriminatory in how they distribute resources and we no longer have laws & oversight to make sure they don’t do shady shit. So I just avoid them in general now. I also avoid the American Red Cross because they’ve been known to misuse funds. Research is key!

I also worry about some of my regular charities, like Immigration Equality & Rainbow Railroad (helps LGBTQ people in dangerous countries immigrate to less dangerous ones), the Native American Rights Fund, various local abortion funds, RAICES (provides legal services to immigrants & refugees), the ACLU, Dysautonomia International, the Rainforest Action Network, etc… A lot of them are getting fewer donations than they’re used to because we’re in the middle of such life-shattering events.

If you are really interested in making a donation (please, please, please do) those are all good options. I also fully recommend looking up needy organizations, services, people, etc. in your own area. I try to donate to a healthy mixture of national/international organizations, local needs, and temporary issues du jour. (Disaster relief, bail funds for protesters, fighting new discriminatory laws, etc.) I would genuinely appreciate any donations, especially if you find a cause near and dear to your heart that I would never even hear about. Anything along these same lines, y’know? If you have anything you’d like me to do in return, just hmu.

I constantly stress about who to donate to — there are so many good organizations and so few dollars to give them — but at a certain point, every dollar to a cause you believe in counts. Every dollar you donate helps to make the world a little bit better for at least one person. That’s what I have to tell myself to calm myself down, haha. So even the smallest donation you make to any of these groups would mean a lot to me.

Anyway, onto the language stuff:

For me personally, I grew up bilingual. Deafness runs in my family, so I learned sign language from a very young age. Note: I say “sign language” rather than ASL. I learned sign language kind of organically, which ended up making a mess later in life. My parents mostly taught me, but so did my daycare (at a deaf school) and so did my babysitters and so did other family members, etc. The point is, not all of them used the same sign language. There was a wide mixture of ASL, SEE, and home signs and my current signing style is… problematic. lmao. My family all understands it (hey, they taught it to me) and I can have conversations with American sign language users, but I know they can’t love my signing lmao. I’ve considered sitting down and taking a legit ASL class for years, but there are so many classes I want to take… I don’t know.

After that, it largely became a case of taking languages whenever they were made available to me. I’ve always liked them. We moved around a lot when I was a preteen so I went to a lot of different schools. (4th, 5th, 6th, 7th, and 8th grade were all different schools.) It was rough at home and hard to make friends so I guess I threw myself into academics a lot. My sixth grade school was an odd one; it was a 6-8 grade school and you were supposed to take a crash course in three different languages in sixth grade so you could choose one and take it in 7th and 8th grade. I ended up taking Spanish, French, and German that year. I liked French best! But then we moved so it was kind of moot. (And I hated German, sorry Germans. My mouth doesn’t like the noises. It didn’t help that my teacher was weirdly sympathetic to Nazi-era Germany…? But I guess that’s another post.)

When we moved to Florida, you had to have special permission to take language classes in 7th grade. (FL doesn’t have great academics.) But since I’d already had some Spanish in NC, they let me take it! And then I moved schools again. This new school, my 8th grade school, I’d be in until I graduated 12th grade years later — but the employee turnover at that school was almost comedically bad? I took Spanish for like a year and a half there and had three different teachers. So at this point I’d had 5 different Spanish teachers, all from different countries (where they spoke slightly different Spanish!), all reteaching the same ideas over and over again because they didn’t know where the last teacher had left off. In the end, my last Spanish teacher sent me to the school library with some textbooks because he felt like I was very good at languages and he couldn’t adequately teach me in the environment he’d been thrown into. (My high school was very terrible. So he was right.)

SO I SWITCHED TO FRENCH. I took French for 3-4 years in high school (can’t remember when I started) but the same shit started happening. By the last year, my French teacher had the French I, II, III, and IV students IN THE SAME CLASS and she just put the advanced students in small groups and had us do independent study. Sigh… Around this same time, I started three other languages. At this point, I was getting kind of accustomed to self-study so I applied for a Latin class in the Florida Virtual School and took a year of that. I also spent a summer studying at the University of Chicago when I was 16-17 and learned Middle Egyptian then. (Yes, I was an ancient cultures nerd even back then.)

The Japanese has always been an odd case. Like I said, my 8-12 education was fairly terrible. They had this thing where they used a computer program to teach kids math and the teacher kind of taught along? When I transferred to the school in the middle of 8th grade, the teacher didn’t know what to do with me so he just plopped me in front of a computer and told me to do as much as I could. They started me in… Pre-Algebra, I think? Which I’d already taken in sixth grade. So I ended up getting through Pre-Algebra, Geometry, Algebra, and Algebra II, which… wasn’t in the teacher’s plans. I’d kind of finished several years of math in like a quarter. And then they didn’t have any more classes. So he just told me to like. Sit quietly and amuse myself for the last few months of school?? (Terrible, terrible school.) So I went to the library and found a book about Japanese and started teaching myself that. I really, really liked Japanese! Like it’s a language that just clicks really well with the way my brain works, I think. It’s very logical, I like the syllabary, etc. And I think growing up signing helped me with pictographic languages like Middle Egyptian and Japanese. My brain easily connects visual symbols with concepts.

When I went to college, the plan was honestly to learn more Egyptian and start translating, and I kept taking French to help me read old research in various ancient study fields. I ended up transferring out of the NELC major, though, due to some ethical problems… I guess that’s another post. Several years into my RELS/FOLK degree I went to my parents like. Look. I love learning this stuff but none of it’s useful. Remember how much I loved Japanese? Can I go back to learning that? I could translate that and that’s a legit skill. So I applied to a program through my school and studied in Japan for a while and ended up really doubling down on that language. Weird how I came back to it years later, but I guess it was always the one I loved best.

I have a mind that’s very pattern-based, so I guess I’ve always loved learning languages and the patterns behind them. (This may be why languages with a lot of rule exceptions, like French, irritate me.) They’re like puzzles that I’ve always enjoyed teasing out. Unfortunately, the way my education bounced around meant that I never got a good grounding in most of those languages, so I’ve largely lost them. I can still read French fairly well and my Japanese is good… My Spanish is like. Enough to get me around in the southern US. My German is abysmal. I remember very little Latin & Middle Egyptian. (It’s been over 10 years, I guess.)

So I guess what I feel the need to say to you is that if you don’t use it, you will lose it. I did well in all my language classes. They’ve always been fairly easy for me. Like. Straight As, no problem. I don’t say this to brag. I say it so you know that even for someone like me, whose brain is fairly well-wired for languages, it’s very, very difficult to retain languages when you’re not using them. If you’re not used to taking languages or you started late in life, it’s even harder. So even on the days you don’t want to practice! You gotta practice! Ganbare! Bon chance!

#replies #god these are so many words #sorry to everyone #shaymeson

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obsessivelollipoplalala · 3 years

Note

Why do you get so upset when you get anything less than 100% even though it's still an A under every system I've ever been familiar with. Are your parents super hard on you about grades?

No, my parents always told me that as long as I did my best, that was enough. If I put no effort into a test and got an A, they’d get mad I didn’t study, but if I were to give it my all and got a C, they’d understand. I’m assuming this is referring to my post from last week about the 92 I got on my teaching philosophy? In that particular case, I got irked because I felt like it was unfair for me to be graded with the same expectations given to people in the program who’ve been employed as teachers for years, when I have way less experience. I talked to my mom about it, who also got her degrees from the same university, and she said she felt the same way and that the education department was just as uncompromising on totally new teachers back then as it is now. She agreed it’s frustrating to be compared to people who’ve been teaching for years when you’re brand new. So in this instance, it’s not just me lol.

Thinking about it in general, other people put expectations on me. I remember being in elementary school, and when I’d raise my hand and get a question wrong, the other kids would turn and look at me like “ooooo, she got it wrooong!” And my teachers in high school kinda put some pressure on me...My high school class sucked. Really, most of the kids refused to participate or read a damn book. My teachers hated my class. So I’d raise my hand a lot (along with my friends) but we got annoyed having to carry the whole damn class every day, and we wouldn’t participate sometimes. I remember one teacher getting mad at me because he “knew” that I knew the right answer, which...wasn’t always the case lol. I didn’t always understand the content! And I remember my history teacher in 12th grade wondering why I got a B in math instead of an A. Girl....none of your business. It’s not your subject.

So. I guess I did have people in my life like “uh...why don’t you know this?” as soon as I didn’t get something. I don’t want to sound whiny here because people assumed I’m smart, since I realize that’s a good thing for people to think about you, but it has made me beat myself up a bit.

#i don't get as many anons as i used to so this seemed totally out of the blue at first lol #personal #is this too much info? idk but you asked lol #replies #Anonymous #i said 'so' a lot in this post lol #i also used 'lol' thrice in the tags god damn

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amillion-littlepieces · 4 years

Text

Trilogy

Tuesday March 17, 2020.

Wow. Just last Wednesday, we in city name removed were still living our regular routine lives. A lot has changed in five short days with the Coronavirus disease (COVID-19) altering the way life is lived across the globe. Society is responding through self-isolation, social-distancing and quarantine. It has been a dramatic shift with the healthy public strongly encouraged to stay inside (save for essential trips).

I’m fortunate enough to be able to work from home and have been doing so since last Thursday the 12th. I’m trying my best to do my part though it has been a difficult adjustment to say the least. The mental endeavour was to be expected though I didn’t anticipate such an intense emotional and energy swing.

I went to bed last Wednesday night with normal work and personal matters swimming through the mind. I feel asleep early before the news of Rudy Gobert, the NBA cancelling their season, and Tom Hanks.

Waking up last Thursday the 12th was a whirlwind. The day unfolded like so:

My office being closed for the next 2-3 weeks at minimum (as precaution) and given the opportunity to work from home for the foreseeable future.

All major sports leagues like the NFL, NBA, MLB, NHL and NCAA have suspended all play and games.

The stock market crashed.

The United State’s first quarantine zone was being established in New Rochelle, NY.

The National Guard was facilitating and containing said NY quarantine zone.

Schools closing across the US and Canada at all levels (kindergarten to University/College).

The Trump Administration struggling through an uncharted crisis.

Rising levels of public fear and panic being exasperated through certain media outlets.

Everything changing by the hour.

The fact that life has changed drastically and it will continue to be fluid for the near future.

It’s a brave new world and one we will be navigating in as a collective.

A somber and eerie tone began to uncomfortably settle in. The Weeknd’s Trilogy predictively begins playing and we now have our trusted soundtrack for venturing down this old rabbit hole.

With the World shifting so fast in such a dramatic and intense fashion I was thrown for a loop. A seismic shift with my energy was evident. My vibe and feel transformed into an anxiety ridden and altered state of mind. It’s like what was important yesterday, wasn’t anymore. I was seeing important value and worth in new sources. My priorities felt like they had changed and things were really just different. Work was the furthest thing from my mind.

My eyes were glued to the news and social media. I was (and continue to be) distracted and unable to focus.

I have vague memories of 9/11. I was in grade six. At that time, I was about 11 or 12 years old. Most of my memories are from class and my best friend recalling our teacher name removed making the announcement.

I’ve heard proven “old school” journalists make the comparison between 9/11 and the Coronavirus. There are of course differences though both share global hysteria and changed our lives overnight.

Whatever the case may be, both sacred the shit out of me and shook me to my core for days.

I think we are all still trying to make sense of this new social and cultural landscape.....

I've previously described HBO's Euphoria as an incredible, modern TV series circling young adults navigating trauma, anxiety, addiction, depression and recovery. It's the most accurate TV rendition I can point to that vividly describes my experience in those difficult arenas. The writing is so unique and authentic that it's clear the script is carefully crafted from the depth of the creator's heart.

This is something I aspire to achieve. Where my writing is so real, vulnerable and transparent the substance instantly provides legitimacy, value, hope and belief for others in similar situations.

In the realm of Music, the Weeknd’s Trilogy is my audio/sonic version of Euphoria.

The Trilogy is comprised of the Weeknd’s introductory three mixtapes - House of Balloons, Thursday and Echoes of Silence.

I’ve heard artists and musicians address anxiety, addiction, depression and recovery through music, though never with a sound like the Weeknd.

House of Balloons, Thursday and Echoes of Silence occupy an oddly sentimental place in my heart. As this is the music that paints an intricate portrait of a prior time in my life. The sound being so strange and unparalleled, combined with lyrics that resonate deeply with uncanny profoundness.

The sound is still unlike anything I have heard before. The ability to express a modern take on such sophisticated issues through layered elegance, sincerity and artistic creativity is something I had not heard in music.

As a result, these first Weeknd offerings still rein supreme in my playlist.

The sound has a pronounced tone, vibe, feeling, and energy that is hard to miss.

It’s dark, mysterious, foggy, terrorizing, thought provoking, habit educing, sexually charged, lustful in nature, with an original vocal style.

Yet the sound is so pure, genuine, organic and beautiful. It’s a raw take on contemporary coming of age matters like sex, drugs, and partying.

This sound and music bring me to a past time when I was firmly planted in these concerns. Where these characteristics were so painstakingly present.

Self destructive

Tantalizing

Disingenuous

Elusive

Obsessive

Selfish

Naive

Ignorant

Chaotic

Helpless

There is a truth and harsh reality that needs to be stated. I still grasp onto the Trilogy as a romantic memory of a past life, and as a means to live vicariously in the present day.

It’s yet to be determined if clutching on to the Trilogy is a harm reduction mechanism (self proclaimed), or if it will nudge me backwards into familiar conflicts. Ones where my relationships and daily interactions were marred in the following.

Allure

Pleasure

Passion

Seduction

Thrill

Profit

Tragedy

Intense and explosive energy

Devastating attraction

And understandings that were built around a mutual toxicity.

Only time will tell if the Trilogy will continue to have meaning in my life. To achieve this answer, I will work hard. I will cross every T, dot every I in the effort of due diligence, context, perception and education.

I promise to work tirelessly to gather all the facts and objective information required for a sound decision. I will lean on others to provide insight and expertise. I guarantee to use all the resources at my disposal. It’s my hope when the times comes, I will be prepared to make an informed and educated decision.

The last five days have been anxiety filled with global uncertainty and old temptations front and center. After much needed reality checks, pep talks and active troubleshooting I feel I am now on the right track. The last few days have been trying times though today is the perfect opportunity to get over the hump and back into routine/on schedule.

I am trying my best to adapt. I am learning to avoid dwelling on matters I have little or no control over. It’s my hope to have my energy, focus and attention dedicated to efforts I control.

While the last five days have certainly been a setback, I now see the emotional and energetic shift I experienced as justified. Our world, culture and lives changed very quickly. I am just in the process of making adjustments and adapting.

Please be safe and informed. Don’t let the mental dynamic of this pandemic sway your energy. Just below is an article shared with me to help ease this transition. You can click on the title to visit the link.

How to keep coronavirus fears from affecting your mental health (By AJ Willingham, CNN).

I hope this story serves the purpose is was meant to have. I encourage you to share with anyone you feel could benefit from these words. Thank you for reading.

March 17, 2020

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sarahsstories · 6 years

Conversation

a letter to an old friend.

tuesday, june 06th, 2017

delivered june 12th

update - this letter was not delivered.

dear tony-

june 12th, 2017, today, marks exactly 4 months since the very last time we've had a legitimate conversation. that's the reason why i chose to give this letter to you on this day. there's a couple things i would like to talk about in this letter. a lot of things i haven't told you, and it might be a little overwhelming and maybe even shocking. i want to tell you these things here in this letter because i don't know if i will have another chance to tell you. i would appreciate if you would read to the end of this letter, but i would understand if you choose not to. a quick fair warning ... this letter is a combination of cheesy, corny, and cringey.

i just wanted to tell you that i miss you. a lot.

remember how we used to talk almost every single night last summer? and how we used to go to your park a lot? remember summer celebration weekend, a lot of us met up and had a lot of fun? do you remember one time you came over and you 1v1 ed nick? even though it was just for a little bit, he later told me he had a lot of fun. i hope you remember that, because i do. and i think about it every day. i think about you every day. i know that sounds creepy, but i'm sure you understand. that's one of your character traits that will always stand true; you're always understanding and supportive, no matter the situation and if you can relate or not. you were always there for me when i was sad or mad, and you always made me feel better. i tried to be there for you, and i learned that sometimes the best thing to do is to just leave you alone. as much as you might have wanted the peace, i wish i would've never stopped talking to you because my life has been shit without you in it. i'm not just saying that, i'm being honest. as pathetic as it may make me seem, i cried a ton about you. as i'm writing this letter now, i'm starting to tear up. i read through old snapchats, looked through old photos and videos, and every time i'd see something meaningful, i'd tear up. i hope this is a good explanation of how much you meant, how much you still mean to me. i know we're going through some shit right now, i just wanted to let you know that i have always cared about you, and i will always care about you, no matter how old we are, friends or not. i hope you feel the same about me. i know you do because that's another one of your personality traits that will stick with you forever; care. you're like a brother to me, and i will always care about you, no matter what.

do you remember that one time on the bus my coat was on the floor? everyone who got off at your stop stepped over or on it, and i tried to move it but people were walking so i just waited. as you walked off, you stepped over my coat, too. but the you turned around, picked it up, and handed it to me. i don't know if you remember that, and i don't think you realize it, but picking up my coat meant so much to me. the fact that we weren't exactly on speaking terms, yet you were still kind enough to pick up my coat, it meant a lot. i know it's dumb, but it did. i just wanted to let you know.

something else i wanted to address, and i wish i can go back in time to fix it.

telling me who you had a crush on was an honor. at the time, i didn't think you'd actually tell me who you liked, but you still told me. you told me because you i trusted me enough to tell me your secret. you put the weight on my shoulders of hiding a huge secret from my best friend, who i tell everything to. it was very hard to do, a lot harder than you may realize. this next part i don't think i told you, and if i did, here it is again. if i didn't, well… here it goes.

do you remember kara's party? it was her birthday party if i remember correctly, she invited the usual people from grade school that go to parties. anyway, before everyone else showed up, kara had me and ruby over to help set up. i was showing ruby a message from you on my DMs or snapchat or something that was completely not related to her like i don't even know what i was showing her (but that's irrelevant). so anyways she started scrolling and she read something about you liking her and she kept reading and i suddenly remembered that i had that stuff on there, but by the time i grabbed my phone out of her hands, it was too late. she played dumb at first, like “wait tony likes me?!” but then admitted that she had a feeling all along. later, when everyone else showed up to the party and we were at the park and it was dark out (remember ju was looking for her earring or something?), ruby pulls me and kara aside and says three words...

“i like tony.”

i don't know if you noticed it that night, but she talked to you a lot more and she flirted with you a lot more. i don't know if you noticed it that week, but she texted you a lot more than usual.

a few weeks later, maybe about two, i asked her if she still likes you. she said “i don't think so, no”

again, this is gonna sound creepy, but kara, ruby, and i have talked about you. we talk about all the great memories we made with you, and how much we miss you. i know that makes us sound like whiny pathetic bitches, but my part of my point is that they miss you tons too. we've all cried about you and how much we miss talking to you, but i don't know how else to explain it. the other part of my point is that ruby lied to me and kara. she told us she liked you for about two weeks, but she admitted that she had feelings for you for 2 months. and that's the biggest thing i've been hiding from you.

the main reason why i didn't tell ruby and betray you is because i didn't want to lose your trust, and i didn't want to lose our friendship. but not telling ruby was very hard, and she was pretty upset for a while that i didn't tell her earlier. but i sacrificed that to not lose your trust, and to not lose our friendship. looking back, i wish i would've told ruby and taken the risk of our friendship and your trust being broken. i know that our friendship wouldn't be ruined because you would have forgiven me, especially since it meant that you would probably get to be ‘with’ ruby. most of me regrets it, but there's still a part of me that is glad i didn't say anything. ruby thinks that you guys’ ‘thing’ wouldn't have even lasted long because, as you know, she didn't want to date until sophomore year, but i think it would last a lot longer than she thinks. but because of my decision not to say anything, the summer 2016 tony and ruby never happened, when it possibly could have. i don't know whether to apologize or to say “you're welcome”, but you can choose whichever version you like better. so, i'm sorry for not telling ruby you liked her, or, you're welcome for not telling ruby you liked her. even though i did. actually, i'm sorry that ruby saw those texts about her between us. i had absolutely no intention of showing her those texts AT ALL (again, keeping your trust and our friendship). and i'm sorry it never worked out between you guys.

i'm starting to realize the length of this letter, and i'm going to try to finish up with some apologies, explanations, and a question.

looking back on our arguments that we've had this year, i realized that most of the stuff i was upset about was dumb. it almost embarrasses me when i look back at some of our arguments this year. i would like to apologize for accusing you, overreacting, and for being a brat. i accused you of not playing your part in our friendship, which is extremely hypocritical of me to say. i was mad one time how you talked to AJ the whole time in study hall. looking back, i was ultimately the one not playing my part because i would sit by my friend more than half the time. i accused you of putting your new friends in front of your old friends, when i did the same thing. i overreacted about a bunch of stupid things that are completely irrelevant, and i was a selfish brat.

i am so so sorry. i'm so sorry. i wish you could hear how sorry i am in text but that's why i would like to speak to you in person. i would give anything to have a conversation with you because i miss you so much. you don't have to, and if you hate me right now, i understand because i hate myself too. i fucked everything up as usual, and i'm absolutely terrified this won't work, and i want it to work so bad. even if you never want to speak to me again, i just want to have one last conversation with you. i'd give anything. please.

the point of this letter is to let you know my thoughts, and hopefully this will open your eyes to some other things you probably didn't know about.

you know where to text me. don't feel like you have to, but i'd really appreciate if you did. if you got this far, thank you for taking the time to read this very long letter. i appreciate it so much more than you know.

thank you so much.

sarah

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