#i think it is autism burn out not art burn out idk...idk what

[moe-broey]

i wanna say, you've made me enjoy the heroes ocs WAY MORE with your stuff!!! triandra and alfonse in particular r reaching blorbo tier for me... what made you like them? did you like the story out of the gate, or was there a specific moment that made it snap into place?

for me, i was rather neutral on it until book 3 hit all the tropes i like (big news: grima fan also likes lif, how suprising), but after that i needed to simmer on a lot of it to see its depth.

also your art is super cute.

I AM. SO DEEPLY HONORED TO HEAR THIS LMFAOOOO that's so fucking funny and cool 😭🥺 (also THANK YOU!!!!! 😊)

I've def been ruminating on this one! Triandra is a lot easier to place an exact timeline on her.

I have extreme Alfonse autism, he IS my primary fixation I think LMFAO 😅 And I think what happened was like. Alfonse autism spreads like mold to characters that are connected to/significant to him -- so, I ended up having (intense!) Sharena autism as well, and THAT spread to Peony of course (less intense, but her connection to Sharena is Huge and can't be overlooked), which spreads to Triandra. Triandra was also significant in the back of my mind, since she would be in the exact same situation as Alfonse when it comes to their sisters potentially being swapped, just on the other side of it. Which I think is SUCH an intriguing premise that hasn't been explored in canon at all.

I think I doubled down on it more when I decided to impulse summon for her bunny alt for Sharena autism reasons and got her -- at this point, I didn't have Triandra's base form (just the Peony duo!). Having her as a stand-alone unit helped me flesh out her vibe/character way more! WHICH ALSO was important cause like. I did completely forget her backstory. I blocked out most of Book 4 actually LMFAOO IT WAS SO UPSETTING FOR ME 😭 And the fairy who left the deepest impression on me was Plumeria, actually.

So! My deep-dive exploration of the fairies has been way more recent! All that, combined with one Book 4 revisit and the dream realm centric TT event that excluded Sharena kind of just. Fueled my spite LMFAOO like okay FINE. I'll reconcile all of this myself if I have to 😤

As for Alfonse... man.

It's hard to say which came first, my affinity for Alfonse or the intrigue of Lif. I almost want to say they happened side by side, parallel to each other. I got into FEH a couple years after it launched, so I was able to go through Books 1, 2, and most of 3 at my own pace. I think my affection for Alfonse WAS solidified in Book 3 though, not even because of Lif.

THIS IS. THE VERY FIRST PHOTO IN MY DEDICATED ALFONSE ALBUM ON MY PHONE LMFAOOOOOOO IT'S NOT EVEN OF ALFONSE........ IT'S HIS BITCH ASS DAD 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 I thought this moment was SO insanely funny though like MAN. Real "Sometimes I can still hear his voice...." "Stop telling everyone that I'm dead" moment 😰

Though Gustav does NOT get credit for anything.

This dialogue especially in response to Gustav really did touch me. Like for him to go from trying his damnest to remain detached to standing up to his dad (scary) for someone he only recently met. To believe in the strength of that connection ESPECIALLY in the face of conflict (his own fears, and his bitchass dad) (and also the death curse.) To be THAT important, to have that much faith in me. Damn I guess I have to trust you and let you into my heart. 🧍

And prior to that moment, like... I absolutely had a slow burn with him.

Idk how personal I want to get about it esp cause I've rambled SO much already lmfao... but for me, Alfonse is very much like looking into a distorted mirror. Some things are extremely similar, other things are direct opposites but in a way that reflects the other. He's very much like me. He's something I'm not, and something I can never be. Sometimes that's good. Sometimes he has something I wish I could grasp for myself. There's feelings of affection, recognition, admiration, hostility, envy, desire.

Maybe one thing I'm comfortable sharing is that I have a lot of trouble letting people in. I kind of go about it in the complete opposite way. Everything I know about connecting with others, I've had to go out of my way to learn. None of it came naturally to me. I am very intentional, almost meticulous, in what I do and say. To be likable, to be the best person I can be. I've had to work really hard, and I still have to work hard to not push people away or isolate myself completely.

In short PVP was activated when I got a sense for his character LMFAOO LIKE COME ON MAN. I've done XYZ and A THOUSAND OTHER THINGS. I may not show it but AAAUAGJGHGHGH EVERYTHING IS SO HARD ALL THE TIME BUT I AM FACING MY FEARS EVERY DAY. To be A CHILL and FUN super laid back guy who also helps the best he can whenever he can however he can. And you???? What about you?????? What are YOU doing?!???!?? I'M GONNA FUCKING KILL YOU

[mysticboombox]

Personal Rant

I’m supposed to be working on making videos for a class and work on some math and here’s what my thoughts are (not school related of course):

I am beginning to see I may, potentially, be maybe a smidge autistic? 

Here’s why I think that is:

I don’t like certain textures of cloth (I will visibly shake my hand like I was burned if I touch velvet and sequins, hate it. Even if I’m not touching it, when I think it, I have to shake my hand to get the “feeling” out.) It’s not really a burn feeling either, it’s like an uncomfortable weight has settled in my right hand (typically where the feeling settles) and the only way to get rid of it is by shaking my hand out.

Another example, I think this is more from my anxiety, and less of potential autism. But I don’t like loud noises (especially if I can’t control it). I get jumpy and pretty hyper aware after I hear a car honk or someone is yelling near by.

I hate it at times, but once I get that feeling (idk how else to describe it), I become a literal chatterbox. Mysticboombox is now Chatterbox. I do my best to let people finish their sentences and give them the space to talk, and their are times where my mouth is running like motor. I’ve made it clear in my Queer Studies class (unless I say otherwise) that I shouldn’t be a spokesperson for a group if I did the most talking. It’s low/high key frustrating at times.

I also take things a liiiitttllleee to seriously sometimes (it could be I had to from living in a sheltered life).

I don’t know...

I don’t want to think too much on it, but like I want to learn more about what it means to be me. Like, I want to give me and my inner child the answers we deserve and/or need. 

Plus I like learning in general, I mean I’m in a Queer Studies class so I can learn about anything LGBTQ+/Queer related. For my final project I’m gonna choose a few of the communities in the LGBTQ+/Queer community to dragonize (I can post photos in the future if anyone is interested).

............

I could just be tired and hungry because I stayed up until two am making my first remix for class (Link: Remix For Class) and all I had for today was iced coffee, a bowl of golden grahams, and two string cheeses.

I don’t know, or I’m an overthinker like I always have been. I also don’t want to offend anyone either.

Anywhizzle, I gotta eat, Adobo is waiting. 

Stay safe everyone

~Mystic 

@angelicdavinci @brightlotusmoon @turtle-babe83 @thelaundrybitch @sketch-and-write-lover @raphsweapondealer @leosgirl82 @fluffytriceratops @digitl-art-monstr

[minibagel7]

hihiihhuiiiii hello I’ve been wondering if I’m autistic since mid august and I wake up solely to consume knowledge about autism and I think that in itself is a sign because I believe this is a hyperfixation and I looooove psychology sm I’d consider it a special interest. I’m just rambling sorry- onto the list!!! 🤭

• SPECIAL INTERESTS: I absolutely have special interests specifically in psychology, ANY form of art (drawing, painting, movies, music, ETC.), nature, animals, and colors I guess?? That’s a new one but they’ve always fascinated me.

• sensory issues: ah yes, throwing a fit and crying because my church dress was too itchy. “It’s made of cotton???” I DONT CARE MOTHER, THE STITCHES ARE P A I N F U L. Strong smells and tastes/textures immediately overwhelm me, like head aches, gagging, flappy hands, body wiggle, sometimes crying. I seem to hear things that other people don’t ahahahhahahaha- I literally hate that blazing ball in the sky that we call the sun 👹 some days it’s burning my eye balls the next it’s not bright enough idk it’s weird

• echoing: I’m literally a human mocking bird. If you said something a certain way or someone on TV did then I am going to repeat it. It’s an uncontrollable action 💀

• stimming: I can and will break into song at any given moment, mostly physically but mentally if I have to (like in class). I will shake my leg, rock back & forth, chew the inside of my cheeks, flap my hands, aggressively wiggle my body, kick, compliment people or things if I feel like it. Bouncing and spinning too <33

• hyperfixations: I’ve had like a billion of these and they vary with how long they last. Could be hours, days, weeks, months, and years if I’m lucky. I will consume every thing I can about it and sacrifice my sleep for it. I love buying merchandise like FUNKO POPS!!!!!!!!! I only have one but I’m trying to expand my collection.

• social interactions: ARE FUCKING EXHAUSTING. When I first learned what masking was I had an identity crisis realizing that I have no real sense of self because I’m just MIRRORING PEOPLE. ALL THE TIME!!!!!!! I’ve always felt like everyone was better at socializing, and that I “missed that class” as if it really is a class. In elementary school it was awful, I was so obsessed with mine and other people’s behavior, and I was very sensitive and judgmental. I started doing that because when I tried to be myself I got bad reactions, so masking was kinda like a safety blanket, a very unhealthy and depressing safety blanket. However, thanks to the internet and probably a cartoon, I realized it’s better be myself so I started doing that…but only with people I’m close with. Which is two people (not including family members), another autistic person and the “quiet kid”. I still mimic other people, but now I’m just very passive and quiet to hopefully avoid social interaction as much as I can.

• eye contact: I can maintain it…I guess. When I think about doing it, it’s either very excessive or just “yikes eye contact im gonna look at their hands, the wall, or literally anything but their eyes” ahahahwhhsha

• social rules: I’ve never really understood these but I thought I would get in trouble or something if I didn’t do them.

• development stuff: according to my mother, I hit all of my milestones on time but I was a very quiet baby and I knew how to self soothe since birth, idk if that has anything to with autism but yeah. I sucked my thumb and used sippy cups until I was like 8-9. Apparently I was the only one that liked Frozen after age 7. Anyways

• rules: I was a snitch in elementary and people did NOT like that. I told my mom about it and she explained to me that “there’s just some things you don’t tell on people for” and it stuck with me for the rest of my life. Now that I’m a teenager I have trouble accepting that I can’t be in control of my own life 👹 I lie a lot with is normally not on autistic trait but I do it out of fear of punishment…pretty sure that’s normal.

• executive functioning: my executive functioning skills are such ass that I literally can’t function EXCEPT ORGANIZATION. I LOOOOOVEEEEE organizing and will GLADLY take time out of my day to organize things. When my mom is waiting in line for groceries, I’m happily sorting out the candy and making sure it looks nice and goes where it belongs. Ironically, my room usually ends up as an absolute mess but I like cleaning it.

• I don’t always understand sarcasm, it has to be a phrase I’m used to or said with an extremely obvious tone otherwise I won’t get it…I think.

• repetitive noises make my want to tear my brain in half…LOL!!

• I remember when I finally started being myself and suddenly I was “too much” for everyone. I had low empathy, no filter, very blunt, and SOOOOO much stimming.

OKAY I think im done, I’ll lost more about it later.

[trinrose3]

1-30 for the weird asks :3c

who is/are your comfort character(s)?

Amelia :3

lighter or matches?

I dont really use either but matches

do you leave the window open at night?

Oh FUCK no lmao just asking for bugs even with a screen in the window lol

which cryptyd being do you believe in?

Bigfoot genuinely think it might just be some evolved giant sloth or smth

what color are your eyes?

I think this is the closest match to it, they have a tendency to change

why did you do that?

who the fuck knows I sure dont

hair-ties or scrunchies?

Scrunchies! they get stuck in curly hair less

how many water bottles are in your room right now?

Dont actually drink bottled water :)

which do you prefer, hot coffee or cold coffee?

Neither! If I had to choose cold but only if it was basically a milkshake

would you slaughter the rich?

[REDACTED]

favorite extracurricular activity?

besides art? I dont play a lot of video games but those are neat! I keep saying I want to learn how to make plushies or write more and than I dont do that lol. I pretty much draw all day tbh

what kind of day is it?

I blinked and it was over kinda one

when was the last time you ate?

A few hours a go, I had a bowl of rice and cheese :)

Do you love the smell of the earth after it rains?

Oh FUCK yeah, right before too

are you a parent? (all answers qualify)

Do ocs count?

can you drive?

lmao

are you farsighted or nearsighted?

nearsighted, I can barely read on my laptop without my glasses on 😬

what hair products do you use?

I dont usually unless Im Going Somewhere(tm) in which case just some gel lol, I typically have my hair in a bun anyways

imagine we’re at a sleepover, would you paint my nails?

Sure :)

do you say soda or pop?

Soda I feel like saying pop means youre talking about some old guy lol

something you’ve kept since childhood?

A bunch of my stuffed animals as well as some DS games and a few snow-globes. I had a bunch of snow-globes when I was little but my mom accidentally broke a bunch...we are...very klutzy people 💀

what type of person are you?

A good one I hope! Genuinely I have such a hard time defining myself as a person and who I am and being an artist is really the only defining feature I can ever really think of. I even made this the topic of my thesis film!

how do you feel about chilly weather?

I hope it burns in hell :)))))

if we were together on a rooftop, what would we be doing?

Idk about you but I;d be hanging on for dear life, hell I wouldnt go up in the first place fuck that, I hate heights

perfume/body spray or lotion?

Perfume

a scenario that you’ve replayed multiple times?

Bro I got maladaptive daydreaming disorder and ADHD and/or Autism, so many and all of them at once, and yes theyre all my ocs and shit

about how many hours of sleep did you get?

Hard to tell cause MaDD so even when I DO go to bend I cant fall asleep unless I daydream and that can take over quite easily so probably 9 at MOST

do you wear a mask?

Yes! The only time I go out and dont is when I walk my dog but my neighborhood isnt busy and its rare I cross paths with someone else

how do you like your shower water?

Boil me alive please and thank you :)

is there dishes in your room?

....maybe....

[obsob]

aura

[teaboot]

Hey I just wanted to ask you something I don't know if its personal so maybe I'll start with me, my psychiatrist told me that I have asperger's syndrome and like my mom keeps asking me like what does that means because I think she sees people with autism as stupid and I'm at the top of my class so she feels like it's a mistake, I personally go mute for months sometimes except for like oral tests, and idk I forget about having a body and so I hit onto walls when I'm focused on something but *

"...*is not so exaggerated like I'm pretty functional I just forget that there are walls and doors and that I can't just transport me to the other room or so,I mean I feel like I'm just trying to find what my "weird or autistic" traits are to justify the diagnosis,I didn't asked my psychiatrist to elaborate on that and so I was wondering, what would you say that your autistic traits are?Also just in case,I know that autistic people can be hella smart and I think that you are really wise I admire you"

Thank you so much, that's very sweet of you to say!

Honestly, I'm sort of in a similar situation- My parents' reaction was to say, "you're too smart to be autistic" or, "Everyone of ~your intelligence~ is a little weird in the head, anyways", and then. Expect me to live up to all the positive stereotypes without ever getting bogged down by the negative realities?

This might not be very helpful at all of me to say, but as an adult who grew up in a rather unpleasant environment, there really isn't much help for a number of things except getting old and independant enough to move out, and then just accepting that their perception of reality isn't open to negotiation. You can try debating it, or meeting them on common ground with scientific basis, but in my case....

....well. There's just some things I now know not to talk about at family gatherings.

I'm sorry, I know that's probably not very helpful or heartening to hear. 

As for my personal grab bag of symptoms? I tend to hyperfocus on personal projects. When I'm really invested in an art piece, I often forget to eat or sleep or drink, and the only way I've learned to snap out of that is that if my hands are shaking or I'm falling over a lot, I probably need to eat something and lay down for a while, because otherwise- and yeah, not the healthiest motivator- otherwise I might start fucking up my hard work.

I also get overwhelmed by overlapping noises- if two people are talking at once, even if one is on a radio or TV show, I can't hear either of them and it stresses the shit out of me. White noise, like in malls or assemblies, also tends to burn my energy pretty fast.

Things like leaf blowers, people whistling indoors, and emergency sirens are physically painful. Repetitive noises like a bouncing rubber ball, sniffling, dogs licking things, and low-frequency vibrations from massage chairs, earthquakes, distant bass music, and some fluorescent lighting systems are impossible to ignore, which ranges from irritating to distressing, depending on my headspace du jour.

I hate bland food with a passion. It tends to make me nauseaus. I like lots of spice, lots of sugar, lots of sour and hot and acidic. I love strong flavours, and if I'm cooking for friends and family I often have to remind myself to tone down the seasonings for them.

Some textures make me genuinely ill, too- most types of meat, fat, and other animal bits result in.... Bad times for all. Polyester towels suck ass. Microfiber cloth. Thick cotton knit material. Any fabric covering my forearms. Thin, elastic denim. Vinyl. Polar fleece.

On the flip side, I looooove woven cotton blankets. Cotton sheets, cotton bedding- cold, heavy duvets are good, too. Acrylic, so long as it doesn't get damp. I have.... Perhaps a little bit of a problem here, as I do... Maybe, possibly, get a little impulsive with buying rugs, throws, and blankets when I come across one that feels right.

All my cups and bowls are handmade out of clay. I'm OK with smooth ceramics, but stoneware feels happy in my hands. I think of it as a treat, like packing a bit of chocolate with my lunch, or eating a whole bag of popcorn by myself. Again, I.... May go a little overboard when I come across A nice-feeling piece of dishware.

Basically, from what I understand, a lot of folks on the spectrum are under and over stimulated by various sensory inputs.

Me, I gravitate towards taste, inertia, tactile sensation, temperature, and dark lighting, while I find myself avoiding, limiting, or minimizing sound, light, color, oral texture, and smell.

As for more stereotyped behaviors, I find organizing things such as legal documents, filing cabinets, paint swatches, hardware, coins, stones, or colors to be very soothing and almost meditative. I go through special interests fairly often, and have been 'into' things like animals, insects, natural history, and art since before I could walk. I can't explain why they're such alluring subjects, they just make me happy.

I didn't realize until recently that I do stim, as well- I rock, sway, growl, swish water around, hang upside-down, rotate my thumbs, rub fabric, twirl coins, and flex my hands. I also (rarely) seem compelled to jump up and down in circles very fast when I'm particularly excited, or flap my arms against my sides like a penguin.

When I'm overstimulated, I go.... I'm not sure if you could call it 'nonverbal'. I get the feeling I COULD speak, it's just.... Overwhelmingly difficult. Usually I find a dark space or a corner away from people, put a coat or something over my head, cover my ears, close my eyes... Sometimes deliberate eye contact is hard, or I can't say more than one or two words at a time, or I find myself relying more on a hum or a grunt to communicate that I'm listening.

It... Probably all sounds weird to a neurotypical who may be reading, but I'm perfectly happy with myself as I am. I wouldn't change it if I could, except perhaps to minimize some of the more irritating things.

Mostly, my biggest peeve is being treated like a cool new pet or accessory. "Oh, this is my person with Autism- they're great at cleaning, you should get one!"- yeah, that can fuck right off. I'm right here, I can hear you, I'm a person. A little respect goes a long way.

But, whoops, here I've gone on a ramble- you want the best advice I have, though? Become comfortable with the person you are. Accept and seek out what things bring you happiness. Don't get hung up on the negatives. Love your experience, if you can, and don't worry about validating anything- you are who you are, and the words we use to explain ourselves fall so, so short when faced with the complexity of our individual existence.

The way I see it, the day before your diagnosis is the same as today, you just have one more tool to understand yourself with. The decision of how and if you choose to explain this to those around you is entirely yours to decide! 

I know this kind of went off the rail of your question. My answers are a little limited. I hope I could help anyways! Good luck!!

[draw-you-coward]

learning as an autistic person

it’s autism awareness month!

so this is something that’s always affected me, and as someone who gets very disproportionate reactions from people about my abilities, i wanted to think it out a little. of course, this is only my experience as an autistic person, and it may not align with other people’s. i don’t even know if other autistic people do experience this, so if u do pls tell me! ahaha

learning for me is a constant juggle between two extremes: not understanding something at all, which generates a lot of frustration both from myself and an educator (when applicable), and being “good” at it: once i have something down, I don’t need to repeat it in order to burn it into my mind or whatever, i just understand it and can do it/move on to the next step.

this leads to two main issues:

1. People not understanding “why” I don’t get something and thinking i’m “being difficult/lazy”

2. People expecting me to learn in a specific, usually inefficient way made for their brain and not mine (repetition, copying, etc)

one thing i’ve noticed is that i usually start slipping when people start going  “then do this.” do that... how? can you demonstrate specifically, talk me through the exact process, show the steps... ? but no, i’m always directed to look at examples, like other people’s work, the end goal, or studies (when it comes to art) that i can’t pick apart myself. i then get stuck at the step i can’t get past, which means the entire process is instantly paralyzed for me. almost always, what’s blocking me is just a small detail to other people, but to me it’s a big obstacle.

let me put it this way: sure, i can go faster down the waterslide once i pick up momentum, but i can’t go anywhere with a big-ass boulder in my way, can I? and it’s so big that no water can get past it, so it just builds until i’m neck-deep in it. “look at other people’s slides,” people say. ok. great. my boulder is still there. do you understand?

asdfksjfh idk this was just thoughts. thank u for reading all this if u did, and if ur autistic, do you experience this? hmu :>

<3

[thistangledbrain]

Autism Awareness/Acceptance Month

Day 5!

“Special Interests”

Have a quiet Autie in your life? That won’t last long if you tap into their special interest. We can’t shut UP when we find someone who’s genuinely curious about what lights us up.

Every older Autie I know has at least one special interest, sometimes several.

Mine? Dogs. Primarily.

And I mean EVERYTHING dog, but starting with behavior. Then in no particular order, health/genetics, various breeds and their traits, training....literally everything. Even the genes that define coat color & pattern, and what physical genetics are tied to behavior (if you’re curious about that, start with the Russian studies about domesticated foxes and what happened to their red coats, the more tame they became). It was horses when I was younger, but I soon moved to dogs when getting into my late teens (more affordable and accessible I guess lol). And if I don’t know the answer to your questions, we find out together, because I *need* to know, too. 😉 I can talk dogs with you literally all day and never get bored...which helps socially, too (I’ve mentioned that most of my closest friends are dog people) - I have a larger network of friends than most other auties I know, and it’s because of a shared passion for all things dog. 
Then there’s the sciences, but particularly quantum & theoretical physics. I. Fucking. Love. Physics. LOVE IT. Unfortunately, my brain hits a wall with more advanced mathematics, so I can’t “do” physics on the level I want to. Luckily for me, my oldest son is also pretty obsessed with it, and he is now pursuing a degree in physics....so when he comes home, we sit down with his notes and he breaks it down for me (the language behind the experiment or action). I have pictures of his notes saved on my phone, for simply the silly reason that I like the patterns of the math (it’s the “universal language”, if you didn’t know), and like to daydream about understanding it. (He struggles with the math as well...we are both HEAVILY right brained...but he manages.) If there’s a documentary out there about physics (plus many lectures), I’ve probably seen it multiple times. Idk why quantum physics in particular interests me...maybe because it’s almost like magic. ☺️ Quantum entanglement fascinates me, and the theory that things aren’t what they are unless/until you observe them...I can get stuck absolutely obsessing over these things.

Nature/animals are the big background special interest that the specifics tie into, though (and this ranges from astrophysics to the life cycle and structure of an ant colony - and even human psychology). Concerning observable animal/plant nature though (and this is a big one for me), Sir David Attenborough is my hero lol- no one else answers the questions I have, and opens up the natural world for me, like that dude. It was Mutual of Omaha’s nature shows when I was a kid, now it’s him. Sorry not sorry, but a doc on the secret life of plants is *fucking riveting* to me. Science is my JAM! 😆 I am happy to recommend any docs to any other fellow science nerds (Through the Wormhole, The Elegant Universe, and Cosmos are all MUST SEE - if you’re a nature nerd, of course Blue Planet, Our Planet, Life...gosh. So many great series). When I get on a science kick, I get the same feelings I get when I’ve tapped into a difficult dog’s psyche, and we start to figure things out. It’s an absolute thrilling obsession, and I am very restless until all my “why/how” is answered. It’s never enough - I never know enough, and I never will.

It’s also an area where my perpetual 2-3 year old is consistently mostly satisfied. I mean that’s the whole scientific community in a nutshell LOL! “WHY?” “HOW?!” When I was a kid, I’d have to write down all my questions that weren’t answered by our Encyclopedias, and wait till the weekly library trip to find the answers I sought. Now, I have a smartphone and Google LOL....and I cannot even begin to describe how consciously thankful I am for that quick access to answers!! Questions will *eat me alive* sometimes, so answering them in a timely fashion is sooooo satisfying 😆

I guess I’m a bit of an artist/creative personality. I’m unhappy when I don’t have space to create....but that space is pretty damn large, because I’m into almost all of it (you can’t exactly fit a miter and bandsaw into your apartment studio, so I’m very grateful I have the space for the power tools LOL...)

From building things to fabric crafts, I love it all. I get way burned out if one of those things become a “job”, though (ehh except being paid as a regular employee of a historic renovation construction firm LOL) - something I HAVE to do. Then it’s not enjoyable anymore. I had started down a path of marketable creations, and they were in high demand...but then it became something I HAD to do for money, instead of wanting to do for enjoyment - and I haven’t touched that particular craft in 8 years or more now (which frustrates people, because I was good at it). 🤷🏻‍♀️ That’s one of those things I really can’t help. My oldest son seems to be sort of similar....he’s commissioned several pieces (and secured his first few at a VERY young age), but he also tends to get a little frustrated when he’s expected to create something, instead of the urge naturally striking him. The whole beauty and satisfaction from art - for me anyway - stems from pure imagination without constraints. When you’re doing something to please someone, it ceases being art, and turns into just...a skilled task you completed. That’s how I look at it, anyway. So even though I could actually make my art into a career (at least supplementary income), it ceases to be enjoyable for me *at all*, unless I’m creating something for someone who means a lot to me. That, and I really just prefer to give my stuff as gifts. It makes me feel good to see people light up with joy over what I’ve made for them, whatever it was. (I also do a shitload of remote training with people and their dogs, for free. I point folks towards the trainers I respect if they need extensive in person work, but lots of folks don’t have several hundred bucks to sink into understanding their dogs better...so...I just help where I can, now. I think it *used to* frustrate my husband, but he absolutely understands now & is cool with it.)

Oh. And rocks and minerals. I’m an obsessive rockhound LOL - and a cousin is a geologist, so he can break down how and why each is so unique, how it formed & why, etc. I’m actually currently converting a large yard sale antique wardrobe into a piece that can showcase Sir Tommy on one side, and my extensive rock and mineral collection on the other (waaaay not extensive enough, but you might be surprised how expensive quality specimens are. Take moldavite for example...fascinating thing...little chip of it about the size of your pinky nail will run you $20 +, because it’s rare. And yes I am fascinated by the metaphysical value attached to these minerals, and why that’s even a thing.) The way minerals form - let’s cite Aragonite as an example - just captivates me.

So I guess those are my main special interests! If you have a *young* Autie in your life, try to expose them to various things. To find a “special interest” is to find a way to ground ourselves. Special interests are a bit different than...well, I’m not sure what words work for stim interests that you can escape into for NT’s, but it’s less of an interest, and more of an obsession for us. It consumes us.

So anyway, EVERY Autie has a special interest. It could be science, it could be gaming (that’s a big one with lots of males, and not a small one for Autie women either, because it’s an escape you actually have to engage your brain in) or computers; it could be mathematics or art. It could be animals and nature. But eventually (for those of you with wee Auties), Your Pet Autie ™️ will find something that they absolutely obsess over & gets them excited to share their knowledge or creations with you. I encourage parents of auties to help them explore the world and find their niche. It helps us navigate your world, and find a way to be at home in it. It also gives us something to fixate on other than our bumbling attempts at fitting in to a world not built for us.

Circling back - if you know an autistic in your life that you want an “in” to get to know, start with their special interest. (Of course we recognize when you’re doing it just for the merits, versus when you actually want to learn something from us, but we appreciate both, really. It gives us a chance to ...idk. Feel important, maybe. At least that’s what it is to me, and my boys. We love to feel needed for our knowledge!)

Special interests are truly your “in” to an Autie, regardless of what their subject is.

So that’s MY take on the special interests. What lights your beloved Autie up?

[douxbebearchives]

Find An Olitz Fic Masterlist: Sixteen

#301 - Hi, I'm looking for a fic I read where Olivia and Fitz are neighbors but they first meet at a grocery store when Fitz is with his newborn and his other child (I can't remember if it's a boy or girl). Mellie died giving birth and Olivia offers to help him out. They eventually start dating... that's all i can remember

#302 - I'm looking for a story Fitz and Olivia have daughters who are best friends with each other. Fitz invites Liv's daughter to vacation with them and Liv goes, too. Liv and Fitz sleeps together. They're both divorced from their spouses. Please help and thank you. Also, I want to buy you a cup of coffee, how does that work. Again, thank you so much I truly appreciate your site.

#303 - Hi. Can you please recommend me some slow burn stories? Also I'd love to read some enemies to lovers or something like that lol. Thank you in advance!

#304 - Hi there I'm looking for a story but I can't remember much of it. Like I'm not entirely sure of Fitz is still president in this one but anyway, he and Liv ended things between them and he now has a new girlfriend. The relationship is serious I think. There's one scene in the story that I can remember; they're all at a party of some sort and Liv gets really drunk and morbid. Her friends are all worried. They decide that she needs help and Fitz offers to take her home because he feels bad.

#305 - I was going 2check the archives but idk what this would fall under...Liv&fitz are in the residence &they spent the night together. I think Tom snuck her up? Cy walks in &fitz has to hid Liv under the covers. Cy is going off fussing because fitz is late for work. Cy &Fitz both realize at the same time he left a shoe out. Cy fusses at fitz for sneaking a random women upstairs until fitz pulls the cover back & it’s liv. Cy tells fitz he smells like vagina &fitz makes a joke asking how Cy would know

#306 - Please help i am looking for an Olitz story in which Fitz has not run for a second term, he marries liv and moves to vermont instead. Thy are very happy and have son the older kids live there to when not at school/college. one night cyrus comes to ask fitz to run again what everyone doesn't know is that edison is plotting their demise by setting his crazy friend on them. Liv's mother ends up being murdered protecting their children while on the trail with them

#307 - Looking for a fic where Olivia is the new doctor working with Fitz. Fitz is very arrogant and misogynistic at first. I remember a specific scene where he complains about Olivia wearing heels to work. But he later on falls in love with her.

#308 - Olivia reunites with Fitz

#309 - Hello, I'm looking for the name and link for a fanfiction where Liv is a teacher and Fitz is a farmer. He has scars from a car accident when he was younger.

#310 - Are there FFs that pick up where the show ended? I am just watching the series' end, and it left me disappointed.

#311 - who remembers but that one shot fic written in Mellie’s POV where she catches Olivia and Fitz having sex and is like peeping through the door. it was posted exclusively on tumblr though and seemed like the user wasn’t really active they just made the account to post their story.

#312 - I read this fic a while back and can’t remember the name. Olivia works with special needs kids and Fitz is a lawyer? and single dad. Teddy has autism or aspergers and Karen was 5. Towards the end Liv and Fitz get married on Christmas? it was really well written and I’d like to read it again.

#313 - Hi, sorry to be a bother but I'm looking for a fic I read awhile ago but can't remember the title of. Essentially I believe Olivia was dating some congressman/senator or something like that and his ex was a journalist and she found out abour O & F' s affair and had all sorts of evidence attesting to it. I also remember she was given the evidence by Mellie and Mellie would threaten her and stuff. I'm sorry if this is too vague. I'd just like to say thank you and also you run a great blog.

#314 - *UNANSWERED* Looking for a story where Olivia and Fitz hookup and Olivia wakes up and acts like a bitch to Fitz. He tells Cyrus about it. Says that she acts like a guy because he wanted more but she was bitchy. I think she gets pregnant and he doesn't think it's his and he goes off on her. That's all I remember.

#315 - Hi, can you find this story that was about Olitz having marital problems because Olivia was working too much. Harrison is also in this story as an her old friend, and he’s trying to take her away from Fitz. Also, Olitz is seeing a marriage counselor, and Olivia finds out that she’s pregnant. Thanks!

#316 - Looking for a fic where Oliva and Fitz had a fight in a hotel similar to the one in s3 about jake. I think in the story jake or tom stands guard outside while Olitz get their 'business' handled pretty loudly inside. Thanks in advance if you find it.

#317 - Looking for the title of a relatively new story. Fitz is Olivia’s new boss. She thinks he hates her at first and there’s an office prize for whoever sleeps with him first.

#318 - *UNANSWERED* Do you know of a Olitz fanfic where they’re best friends and Olivia is sleeping with some dude named Kenny? I’m sorry that I don’t know all of the details. I also think that both of their families are really close as well.  

#319 - *UNANSWERED* Hi can you help me. I’m looking for a story where Fitz changes Olivia’s tire on his way to pick up his son from school. Olivia is a law student. Later she gets a job as campaign manager.

#320 - I Am Looking For A Fanfic Where Oliva Is An Artist And Owns Her Own Art Studio and Lives Upstairs But She Meets Fitz At Her Studio And He Still Is In College But They End Up Having A Baby And They Are Engage.

[meowm1x]

can i be really honest here for a sec? which uh. is a weird way to start off on a read more personal post bc this is my blog and theres nothing wrong with being honest but i guess im just feeling guilty about a whole lot of things atm in terms of finances and shit ;;;

but like. if it really were up to me, i think i’d just be happy just continuing to work on my art but without going into a career for it right away. i know im not at the mental headspace nor skill level to get into such a competitive industry (animation), but that doesn’t mean i’m not wanting to better myself, just that i realise where i am right now. but thanks to the way the world is, its like...you have to be the best you can be as young as you can be. and like if you don’t do that, nor sell your art, then you’re obviously just not SERIOUS enough. or you do nothing but fanart? clearly just some pathetic loser riding on someone else’s coattails, who cares if you’re doing it because you enjoy creating work based on something that’s very special to you.

idk. right now just the thought of all of it is overwhelming. but then i feel guilty bc my mum tried raising me with a sense of “work ethic” (that she pushed me TOO much to a point where i feel jaded about everything and have been pretty much anti-capitalist for a long while now haha). but its not just her ofc, its society in general. and how you and your work only matter if it’s sellable.

and if it’s not sellable? well then you’ll have to get a REAL job.

and if i’m being honest, that just doesn’t appeal to me either. i tried working while i was studying art. even just working at weekends was enough to burn me out and worsened my depression. my mental illness (and possibly autism, i havent been fully diagnosed yet) make work extremely difficult and tiring. hell, just getting through the day without work is exhausting. it already takes so much self-pep talk to get me to even do art right now because i’ve been made to feel terrible and depressed about it to the point where i want to self harm, sometimes kill myself in extreme cases, when i make any mistakes in my art or am reminded of how unskilled i really am not being able to do this or that. all because of these shitty attitudes about someone’s worth being in how productive they can be.

if i could just. spend the rest of my life, just drawing what i wanted to draw, having time to get my ocd under control, not having to deal with the pressure of throwing myself into work as soon as or even ever, it would honestly take so much off of my shoulders and would probably improve my life overall...

[pet-diary]

How was it like growing up as an autistic child? When were you diagnosed? C:

I was diagnosed later in life (mid-twenties) after seeking out the diagnosis on my own. I never really knew I was autistic as a child or as I was growing up, I just knew there was something “different” about me. It was hard to put two and two together for a number of reasons…

(adding a read more cut because this ended up being a long answer, sorry!)

I was home schooled by my mom with only my brother and sister as company until I reached the 7th grade. The only real social interaction I had was with a few family friends (most of whom trickled out of our life after a couple of yrs of knowing them, for various reasons) and kids I got to know at church. I went to church every Sunday and Wednesday until I was in jr high and had a few friendships that lasted a few yrs, but all of them ended over time (kind of badly in some cases, some of them bullied me in the end). I hung out with my cousin for several yrs until she also became too “cool” for me. Needless to say, everyone just thought I was weird because I was home schooled, isolated, and friendless through most of my little kid yrs.

Despite having a somewhat isolated childhood I was really happy I think. I didn’t really get why people didn’t want to be my friend back then. I was a pretty happy kid. I didn’t think it was all that weird to be as hyper-focused on small details of things as I was, to notice the things I did, or to have the special interests I had. Also I was really really shy and didn’t talk very much at all. I had fewer sensory issues back then because I was more in control of my environment (spent almost every minute at home!) but they tended to get worse on long trips in the car or in situations where I couldn’t get away.

I grew up in a very small town in Texas. There was no practical or helpful interventions in place for kids who didn’t “look” like they had a disability, but still did have one. None of my issues ever got singled out on an institutional level (like recognizing a learning disability or whatever, my issues were mostly intrapersonal and interpersonal, everyone thought my educational issues were bc of home school). My parents thought I had a behavioral attitude problem and threatened to send me to boot camp a lot (my dad is ex marine). I got in trouble at home a lot because I was argumentative. The one time i spoke up about having anxiety and depression I got a couple of months worth of Lexapo from my GP, and never got it refilled. I was a freshman in high school at the time I think. Mental health wasn’t talked about or taken seriously where I grew up. If you had real problems you were supposed to work them out in church (no offense to ppl who believe in that, but I don’t think it should take the place of practical interventions that can help improve ppl’s lives). I mostly just started “working them out” through self injury (bad coping mechanism), and later through art.

From jr high to high school I kind of found my niche. I had groups of friends eventually, really good friends. Mostly outcast types, but we didn’t care, we were the weirdos and we liked that. I also took on the role as the artsy eccentric one in the group who said weird stuff that people thought was funny or amusing. I actually really liked this part of me, but the other issues in my life at the time made this a less happy point in my life. It was a mixed bag.At this point (basically from 7th grade on) I was dealing with a lot of depression, anxiety, self injury, etc. I started looking into psychology as a way to describe what I was going through, why I had such intense emotions, meltdowns, sensory issues, depression, headaches, stress, etc. That time period was the birth of my lifelong interest in psychology. I bought every book I could, watched every movie. There was a lot of confusing info out there (movies probably didn’t help since they don’t portray mental illness very accurately usually, lol). But autism was never really brought to my attention because of the obvious reasons (stereotypically a young boy’s disorder, mute stereotype), but also because of the divide between the medical field and the psychological field. I was looking in the wrong places, apparently. I think this divide is a major issue that will eventually need to be addressed, by the way.

To answer your actual question… Growing up undiagnosed autistic was confusing as all hell. Often sad. Very very lonely. I didn’t really get what I was doing “wrong” most of the time? For a large portion of my life I had a lot of magical thinking. I thought I was “special” and could like, control certain things in my life (kind of like in a serendipitous way? idk it’s hard to describe). I used to think I had schizotypal pd but that might have just been a result of trying to make a confusing life make sense. Maybe I do though who knows really.

I might have had these issues with or without a diagnosis, but I definitely have always felt “broken” bc I didn’t have an explanation for why I was different.I have a lot of self-loathing, lack of confidence issues that I’m still working through as an adult. To be honest with you (and I don’t consider this tmi because this is my blog lol)… I was really at my wit’s end when I decided to seek out a diagnosis. I felt broken, like a burden, like garbage parts that would never do any good in the world or mean anything to anyone. I had a lot of suicidal thoughts all the time, I was in a really dark place for many years and the only thing keeping me going was my husband (then boyfriend) and my pets. When it got bad enough that I was scared for my safety I decided I needed to demand help from myself and my family and friends.

Things completely changed when I got my diagnosis. Something in me shifted, and I felt I understood the universe more clearly. Kind of like when you learn something new in school or whatever and everything takes on new meaning somehow. It was like that. Since then, I’ve had a lot more self acceptance. I still have a lot of issues sometimes when I’m having a really bad meltdown or depression (okay it happens way more than it should, I really need to go to therapy I know, lol), but things have improved so drastically by knowing I’m autistic, I can’t even tell you. It’s also improved my relationship with my husband, (side bonus).

It hasn’t been all good, I mean, my family and irl friends have barely acknowledged it which just makes me doubt myself all over again… But then I remember “oh yeah other people don’t have to deal with this kind of shit!!!! This isn’t typical!!! This isn’t the “normal” everyone else is experiencing!! Fuck you I’m autistic or whatever else you wanna call it, come at me!!!! I’m done feeling like I’m broken so just accept it already and start to know me as me and not as this bullshit image you’ve created in your mind to represent me!!” :D

Besides, acceptance or not, I’m always going to have the issues I have. I’ll always have a hard time understanding what people are saying when there’s too much going on, I’ll always get overwhelmed and burned out, I’ll always have meltdowns (something that is very hard to accept about myself), I’ll always make social blunders and misunderstand people, I’ll always be misunderstood, I’ll always struggle with things that come more easily for others. But I’ll also always see the world from a totally different perspective from everyone else, which I think really helps me in my art and ideas. And I have a lot of fun in life when things are going well, I’m really super passionate about so much and I think that’s because of my strong emotions and connectiveness to things. I have a fun childlike view of everything when I’m in a healthy place and I love that about myself. There’s a lot of really cool things about it, and some bad things too.

Sorry this is such a long answer. I’m clearly avoiding my school work…………. It’s been a long stressful weekend and venting a little felt good so thank you for this question that I have taken way far off track, heh heh.

I should probably be more “professional” in my answers to these types of questions since this is the field I want to specialize in eventually, but whatever. This is real life and real life is messy and sometimes you get mad about your baggage and curse a little. It helps to curse a little. ;)

Also I’m an oversharer, sorry! Autism is a big interest of mine and so is human behavior. So it’s hard to hold back…

[thistangledbrain]

Day 16!

“Work/school”

Well...EDS robbed me of my ability to work 3-4 years ago, but I can tell you about prior stuff.

I started off going to college right out of high school, but realized I was just burning through money, because I had no idea what to major in - I have *too many* interests, and most of them don’t really translate to a well paying job...not enough to warrant the expense of the education, anyway. If higher education wasn’t so expensive in this country, I would be one of those people who just sort of...collects degrees, though. I daydream of that often...but, thanks to my oldest son, I’m sort of vicariously gaining a bit of higher ed in Physics, one of my *favorite things evarrrrrrr* (but I trip so badly over the math, so idk if I’d ever get far, myself). He sends me pics of his notes, video clips, and when he’s home, we love to sit down while he walks me through all the equations and the processes (and when he explains them to me, it helps him get an even deeper grasp of it sometimes, so it’s good for both of us ☺️). Quantum physics/mechanics and theoretical physics are 🤯 to me, and I can’t get enough! Astrophysics is pretty damn cool, too. One of my favorite things ever is when we nerd out together on this stuff. I remember when he was in high school and first started being interested in it...I was so excited I could barely contain myself (I was already very much obsessed with these sciences), and watched with delight and excitement as his passion grew. I remember he brought home this like 10-15 question beginner physics quiz he took when he first started, that he handed to me. “Can you answer these?” he says, as he hands the paper to me. “Fuck YEAH I can!!!” So I excitedly went down the list - there was only one question I wasn’t sure about (and I think it had to do with thermodynamics but I don’t quite remember)...I just remember HE got so excited that I was already familiar with stuff (like particles and waves), and it was in that moment that we just...gained this incredible connection that still makes me feel all gooshy inside. Physics isn’t the only science that gets me excited, but I’ve written enough about that for now 🙃...

So. Yeah. Maybe someday I’ll win the lottery, go back to school, and probably just stay there LOL...

You guys have already heard me ramble about the Marines, so I’ll leave that part out...

So my work history is similar to my school history, I guess. Rather scattershot. Since I know my keenest interests won’t make me a ton of money (without a degree) or aren’t really necessarily *career* choices, I’ve been fairly comfortable with...idk. Trying things out that I wanted to do, because being rich and having “things” just doesn’t...well, I personally don’t understand the draw, and it has never been a real goal. I’m flying high if I can pay the bills on time LOL...I have to leave the rest of the financial planning to someone else, because I just...don’t...care enough. The things I care about in life *require* money (what doesn’t), but obtaining personal wealth just to have more of it/more “things” baffles me (you can do your “grind” to have your “fat stacks” - my interests lie well outside of material gain, and this is something we just won’t connect on. Your Birkin bag and sweet ride mean positively zero to me as far as how I look at you as a person...except for the fact that I think it’s bizarre for someone to spend tens of thousands on a purse or shoes, and I question their logic lmao). I’m not sure I’ll ever know what it feels like to just want to be rich, and damn near kill yourself to obtain that big house and nice cars and designer clothes or whatever. I like nice things too, but frankly I’d rather actually live my life? I’m not gonna be here long...it makes zero sense to me to break myself for the material gain of “things” (and people who do that, actually upset me a bit. I feel like they’re missing the point....or, it makes me sad to think that their existence is so empty that things like labels and status symbols are what they’re hyperfocused on, what matters the most to them). That being said, I DO enjoy the *immaterial* gains - respect, love, making animals and humans happy and whole, growing my mind, sharing my experiences and knowledge for the benefit of others. This probably sounds way too candy coated and cheesy to believe, but it’s easy to prove through my actions. This is *genuinely* what matters to me.

My first couple jobs were not my speed, but I did learn a lot about how companies run (from an administrative & bookkeeping standpoint), and that’s been sort of my “fall back on” career, since - but it makes me really, really unhappy to be stuck behind a desk, even if the work is fairly interesting or challenging. I’ve also been a horse stable manager, an exercise jockey for race horses (shattered pelvis ended that venture though), worked in an exotic pet store (I LOVE reptiles!!!!), and dabbled in nearly every trade in the construction industry (I am the quintessential “Jack of All Trades, Master of None”)...eventually landing in a position that I was very comfortable with - superintendent/jobsite manager for a smaller residential company. The job was always different from day to day, so I had little time to get bored. I guess that’s the big hangup - i don’t like being bored at my job. (I don’t like being bored, period, but rarely am...even though I live out in the middle of nowhere and don’t have gainful employment anymore. I have tons of interests involving animals, art, and building/creating, plus I love to read and learn. Or take walks through the woods and photograph tiny environments. Train and rehab dogs. Remote train and help people as far away as the UK. If I’m bored, I’m probably just being lazy.)

I’ve realized - and come to learn that many auties share this with me - that working alone or with a very small group of people is ideal. We all have our different strengths and interests, but jobs that keep our brains engaged and keeps us out of “general human traffic” are much preferred. I often wonder how many auties are also actually add/adhd, or if it’s just another facet in our prism. 🤷🏻‍♀️ It’s both a bane, and a boon, depending on the situation.

You’re HIGHLY likely to come across *a lot* of Auties in STEM fields...or lurking in warehouses and stockrooms, content to be left alone with their thoughts or music while they sort and pack. There are also a crapload of autistics in the creative arts - writing, music, acting, painting, and so on. You are UNLIKELY to find many auties in mundane tasks that require little thinking, long term.

One of my favorite bits from a Temple Grandin lecture was something about how over half of NASA would be gone without autistics, and back in caveman days, it wasn’t the social gabby gabbies around the campfire who were thinking up new tools and weapons - it was us antisocial weirdos off to one side whose brains *just never shut off*. 🤷🏻‍♀️ This is why I struggle to understand the people who think autism is some sort of ...horrible plight that’s descended on the human species. You’d be screwed without us, and I don’t care if that sounds arrogant, because it’s true. We might be weird and make you uncomfortable sometimes, but we do some DAMN cool shit. We just might prefer to do it in ways that don’t make sense to you. It doesn’t HAVE to make sense to you - WE don’t have to make sense to you (and we probably won’t anyway, so why do you keep trying? Try just accepting instead).

I’ve been slowly collecting links to Autie blogs, artistic works, scientific contributions, and so on. When I’m satisfied that it’s a broad cross section of who we are and what we do/contribute to society, I’ll share it...but in the meantime...

We might be more comfortable within certain parameters (like, “can I please keep the fluorescent lights off in my office”), but shoooo lawd, don’t sell us short on anything else. Just cut us loose and let us do our thang. ☺️