#i think kit probably happened around 5 years post brain?

[lazylittledragon]

I could see Dorian and Astarion having Cyra and Gale babysit Kit because "it would be good practice for them", but it ends up being chaos because turns out a dhampir baby is a little different than a normal baby.

ok this is even funnier because in the timeline in my brain, dadstarion would actually happen AFTER dadkarios. which means they actually said "they've already got a normal one, what's the worst that could happen?"

[nycorix]

Consequences [9/11]

[fic post]

|part 1| |part 2| |part 3| |part 4| |part 5| |part 6| |part 7| |part 8|

HI NKSVERSE FANDOM HOW ARE WE FEELING !! LMAO I was diligently editing this project regularly and then Real Life happened and now it's been a whole year whoops

Anyways!! In honor of the Flight & Anchor release next month, I'm finally resurrecting this! For any of y'all still reading/interested in this fic, thank you I love you <333 (also: everyone go preorder the novella it's my personal enduring favorite of Nicole's work bc it got me fully hyperfixated on the 'verse etc. etc.) For any newcomers, this particular project of mine is a love letter to this novella specifically, a sort of mirror fic that pays homage to that event in their lives (and to Them generally. It's been over two years and I still adore them so much omg they're probably my favorite Bestie Duo I've ever encountered).

This part is another one of my favorites ngl. It is the one in which 22 is so feverish and overstimulated he picks a fight with 06 because he doesn't know how else to process emotion for absolutely no reason. (I wanna know what if any resources were devoted to these kids' mental health. Diana Reyes I just wanna talk-)

TW: the operatives' toxic trait of not being careful with their bodies

Enjoy!!(?)

_______

9.

His fingers are numb beneath the smart fabric of his gloves. His toes, ears, his whole face is numb, but his eyes and nose sting like hell, his throat burning all the way down to his lungs and he is tired. So, so tired—a level of exhaustion he’s unfamiliar with, that aches all the way to his bones. His muscles are on fire, his lungs keep spasming, and his head is throbbing violently enough that his vision blackens at the edges. 

Yet only two words loop on repeat in his muddled brain, hammering down with every lurching beat of his heart.

Worth it. 

As he flings the hundredth scrap of twisted metal into a pile the size of a small house, ready for the incinerator cart.

Worth it. 

As he heaves a broken slab of concrete up off a mangled car, then tosses the car and the slab into the pile.

Worth it. 

When he pauses to cough, fighting desperately to control his breathing before he damages any internal organs, biting down hard on his tongue to quell the paroxysms, spitting the blood he draws onto the crumbled pavement at his feet. 

Worth—

“Hey, dumbass!”

He barely hears her over the ringing in his ears, but she’s upon him in seconds anyway, hand clamped to his shoulder. He tries to say something—fuck off, probably, or what are you doing here or go back to HQ you idiot but all that comes out is a strained sound that may or may not be “Kit—”.

She ignores it, gripping his shoulder bracingly with one hand while she claps the other to his forehead. 

“She sent you out with this fever?” she says, voice low, careful.

His silence is all the answer she needs.

“I’ll fucking kill her.” Her voice is the calm before a storm neither of them can afford, not now, not this time, not anymore.

“Leave me alone,” he rasps, wincing at the nothing state of his voice. Pushes her, harder than he means to. She stumbles back several yards, arms flailing for balance, too stunned to reply for a moment before the anger comes. 

“Like hell I will.” She plants herself solidly between him and the rubble pile, eyes squinted against the wind that lashes around the corners of the buildings to buffet against them. “What the fuck do you think this is, some misguided half-assed attempt at—”

“This is.” he interrupts, hooking his shoulder into hers and tilting forward, “Me covering.” he pushes, just the barest fraction of his strength, and she staggers, nearly tripping over her feet, “For you.” He bends down, picks up a four-foot chunk of broken concrete, hoists it on his shoulder as he locks eyes with her. “Yesterday was a mistake. I told you she’d know. And she always needs a scapegoat.” He pitches the debris over his shoulder, an involuntary shudder passing through him at the way the clatter grates against his oversensitive ears. “I was the one available. Better to lose one than risk two.” His voice cracks at the end, whittled to nothing by the virus waging war in his throat, but the jab hits home. 

“That's bullshit and you know it,” she mutters, kicking a meter-length of metal pipe toward the pile, but he doesn’t miss the flash of hurt in her eyes before she drops them. 

“Is it.” He scans the ground, frowns as it blurs before his eyes. He stoops, picks up a dormant resonance grenade—gingerly, thumb and forefinger—crushes it down to a marble-sized lump of inert junk metal, winds up, and sends it flying straight through the chassis of a Greenleaf surveillance drone several hundred feet above their heads.

“Whoa, watch it!” 06 yelps, peering up into the clouds with a hand shading her eyes. She tilts her head, tracking the trajectory of the falling drone by the sound, then springs into motion. In just seconds, she sprints across the street and leaps into the air, snatching the smoking hulk of machinery before it can slam sideways into a Stellaxis info board. She folds it in half, then half again, chucking it onto the rubble pile and dusting her hands off with a bemused twist of her lips. “What’s gotten into you?”

“Move.” He brushes past her hard enough for her to grunt in pain, stalks up the side of the pile, and shoves his hand through the crumpled layers of metal into the drone’s transmitter module, extracting a small plastic chip and crushing it into powder. “Don’t be sloppy.”

“Come back with me, idiot.”

“I have one more street to go.” A wave of dizziness washes over him as he starts to descend the pile, and he pauses, half-closing his eyes. “My orders are to do this alone, you shouldn’t be here. Go back.”

“I won’t.”

Frustration bubbles up despite his every effort to keep it down, and he’s beside her in a single roughly calculated leap. “06,” he starts warningly, but she only rolls her eyes. 

“‘22’.” Light, mocking. Then, after a breath, his name. No trace of the kickback in her eyes. “You’re being a stubborn ass and you know it.”

This doesn’t dignify a response. They stare at each other, at a standoff. 

She looks like she’s cooking up some juicier insult, or worse, maybe something compassionate. 

“Hey—”

Before she can get any actual words out, he sneezes, which feels approximately like getting all of his ribs kicked in at once (a sensation with which he is, in fact, intimately familiar). His expression after must be a sight, because when he looks up she is staring harder, that deep furrow creasing her brow that he hates. 

“What,” he tries to say, but he sneezes again—this time bottling it up with every last inch of his willpower, ignoring the detonation of pain behind his eyes—and this expression must be even worse, because now she is glaring at him. 

“What the fuck is wrong with you,” she says, face undergoing a series of contortions—concerned to alarmed to sympathetic to incredulous—that would have been funny if he wasn’t so strung-out-pissed. 

“Shut up,” he grinds out, meant as a snap but lacking about eighty percent of the energy required for that. 

She sighs, raking both hands up through her cropped hair. “Fine,” she mutters. “At least let me help you.” She picks up a piece of metal, which he snatches out of her hands faster than she can gear up to toss it. 

“No.” He’s tired—so fucking tired—and he’s not sure if he’s angry at her or just himself. 

He chucks the piece of metal toward the pile, skews wide by several feet, and watches it careen off course and smash through a third story window, greeted by a smattering of screams. Every molecule of him cringes away from the thought of the message the Director will absolutely be sending him about this, fear and subsequent fury at the fear pooling like poison in his stomach.

He fists his hands so tightly, a bone in his left index finger snaps. 

06 flinches, shooting him a look that he steadily ignores. When the moment wears thin, silence stretching taut between them, 06 tsks, catching up his wrist with a rough little tug.

“Idiot,” she says softly, digging in a pocket. “Don’t just leave it like that.”

Her warm fingers brush against his frigid skin through the barest gap between glove and sleeve, featherlight, and it is too much.

His sword is out before his thoughts catch up with his absolutely misdirected blind rage, the point grazing her throat. A glance down reveals hers at his heart, a hairline tear in the fabric of his jacket as she leans casually into the onehanded counterstrike. Her stance is open, healing device tucked behind the thumb on her free hand where he can see it. Her face is a question, a new glimmer of hurt kept guarded just beneath the surface.

“Touch me again,” he breathes, drawing a tiny bead of blood from her skin, "and I will kill you."

Incredulity and amusement tick her eyebrows up, but her eyes themselves are very, very serious. “I’d like to see you try.”

Six minutes later, he’s still not sure why they’re fighting but he is sure that he has to keep moving, has to keep striking, has to keep control at all costs. 06 is going easy on him, he knows that she is, yet somehow this has no power to dissuade him from the nonsensical match he’s thrown himself into. They’re a tangle of swords and limbs, boots and fists, and it’s both so much better and so very much worse than his previous ill-fated match with 08.

Sparring with 06 is like fighting an extension of himself. They are a single fluidity, a collective force, two jagged halves of a whole. Their pivots and lunges, strikes and blocks weave together in a seamless flow, easy as breathing, every potential move the other could make etched irrevocably into the folds of their brains. He could do this in his sleep.

Several more minutes pass, indeterminate. The incandescent edges of his anger abruptly cool, releasing his mind and dropping him unceremoniously back into his body just in time for him to realize that he is fading. Rapidly. With 08, he’d still had the greater part of his faculties; now, he’s running on autopilot, the fever like a fire raging in his veins. Black spots shimmer across his field of vision in time with his pulse, which thunders in his ears. His awareness of his body is reduced to points of pain—head, throat, finger, chest—and all of it is screaming at him to sit the fuck down.

He needs to finish this, and quickly.

With the last dregs of his strength, he surges forward, sheathing his sword. As he strides into range, he catches her sword at the base, gripping it in one gloved hand and ignoring the bite of the blade through his fingers as he yanks it from her grasp and casts it aside. In one swift, lethal motion he corrals her by the throat, one handed, and pins her up against the nearest wall. 

He’s prepared for the way her hands circle his wrist, a vice-grip that she will tighten further and further until his arm breaks or he lets go. He’s unprepared for the way all of his muscles start trembling, shuddering with the effort of holding her up that’s normally no effort at all.

“Match.” The word falls from his parched throat, unrecognizably blunted in his own ears. He’s shaking all over now, and he has to let her down a moment before she properly concedes, teeth chattering in his head as the heat generated from the exertion dissipates and he’s wracked with full-body chills.

He thinks 06 replies, but he isn’t sure. Suddenly, everything is fuzzy and wrong, his vision splintering into fractals of white and black as a wave of dizziness swallows him whole. The street spins out from beneath him, 06’s face a blur against the sickly too-bright-ness, and then there is nothing, and he is falling, and it stops.

|part 10|

[eclare-draws]

Operation: Sleepover

Here’s the first chapter of my newest fic.

It’s full of dumb teenager-y fluff based on that period of time in Chat Blanc where Adrien and Marinette are dating and he knows she’s Ladybug but she doesn’t know he knows or that he’s Chat Noir

Adrien somehow got permission to have Marinette stay the night at his house. They're both nervous teenagers who are really in love. Marinette makes a dastardly plan with Alya's approval.

Also, nothing really sexy happens in this story (just smooches and lots of blatant staring), but I feel weird about writing about 13/14 year olds so I'm pretending they're like 15/16? Idk fam, imagine what you want. Just keep in mind that these innocent beans are staying that way while still behaving like youngish teens.

Here it is on AO3, where I will be posting the next chapters too.

Ch 2     Ch3     Ch4   Ch5

(Oh also, the texting is just [Marinette] {Adrien} |Alya| and whoever’s the focus of the voice is bolded)

Marinette couldn’t help but grin as she read the text that popped up on her phone.

{See you tonight! *kissy emoji* Don’t forget your toothbrush, princess! <3}

She was really going over to Adrien’s house for a sleepover. Adrien her boyfriend. She was going to watch movies with him. On his couch. In HIS room. With HIS cute face. It’s not like they hadn’t hung out before. They went on dates all the time - Mr. Agreste was surprisingly lenient with letting Adrien out of the house for her sake. But she was going over to his house for a whole night. Usually, it wasn’t more than a few moderated hours of studying and video games. Marinette couldn’t help but giggle in excitement as she responded.

[Oh and I bet you want me to bring my own clothes too, huh, prince boy?]

{I mean it’s recommended unless you want to be stuck in a shirt five sizes too big for you, my little sugar cube <3}

Marinette blushed at the thought of wearing his clothes. They would be so soft, and so warm and so- wait. Five sizes too big? “Little”? 

[Take it back.]

{Hmmmmmmmmmm….? Take what back, princess?}

[I’m not that small.]

{Aren’t you though? I could probably scoop you up with one hand and kiss your tiny little head <3 And you’d blush and be so so cute, princess}

[Adrien.]

{And then I’d laugh at how cute you are, but the force of the wind coming from my mouth! Oh no! You’ve been blown away!}

Marinette wasn’t that upset by his short jokes. He was so tall, and she was admittedly petite, but that didn’t mean she couldn’t feign frustration for a bit to keep him on his toes (she knew that this usually ended with him sending heart emojis and him continuing to make short jokes).

[I’ll be at your house at 6:00 unless you keep this up. I have to go get my stuff ready.]

{:((((((( I was only joking, princess}

{ily}

{Mariiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii}

[Seen 5:19PM]

{You didn’t need to type that :(}

[I love you too, silly prince.]

{:D}

{I knew it!}

{Everyone called me crazy but I knew you liiiiiked meee, princess}

[Let me pack, or else your princess won’t make it in time for dinner]

{As you wish. <3}

She clicked her phone off and set it down as she began to pack. She rifled through her drawers to try and find the cutest pajama set she had. Just as she settled on a matching pink floral button up and shorts combo, a wicked thought popped into her head. She grabbed her phone and tapped on her text conversation with Alya.

[I just had an idea.]

[Idk if it’s crazy or not but I need an expert opinion on the matter.]

Marinette got frustrated from the lack of immediate response. She was in a hurry and KNEW her best friend had her phone in hand at all times. Sure, it had only been a few seconds, but...

[Alya this is time sensitive.]

|Ah yes, the phrase no one can be safe after it is typed out by your thumbs, “I just had an idea.”|

[Rude]

|Spill, girl.|

Spill she did. Oh yes, it was a devious plan. She wasn’t sure what the reaction would be, but she’d all but decided on the course of action she planned to take tonight. Alya’s response was the only encouragement she needed.

|Damn, Mari. It’s crazy, I’ll give you that… but… I think it’ll work.|

[That’s what I was hoping you’d say >:3]

[But what if he thinks I’m… trying to seduce him?]

|Are you not?|

[NO!]

[We aren’t there yet, we’re… taking things slow? I guess?]

|God you’re cute.|

[u////u]

|I totally get that, girl. Take your time. Adrien’s sweet but a little too innocent to let this seduce him. I think you should do it.|

[I feel like that should be a sign that I shouldn’t]

[But I can’t be stopped now]

|You got this, girl. Text me to tell me how it goes?|

[Of course.]

With that, she got back to packing. She ran around her room, grabbing whatever she thought she might need. Her brain was a little scattered, being so focused on her plan, that she packed a lot of things she didn’t need. She had her toothbrush and other basic toiletries, a change of clothes for the next day, hairbrush, phone charger, water bottle, a bag of cookies for Tikki, a bag of cookies for Adrien, a notebook and pencil, a mini sewing kit, perfume, two pairs of shoes, a sketchbook, and a stuffed animal. As she tried to squash the poor little stuffed cat into her bag, she realized that she didn’t need all of this and took out the sketch pad, notebook, pencil, sewing kit, perfume, second pair of shoes, and the water bottle. She then shoved Mr. Vuitton the cat into her bag and zipped it up. As she hoisted the bag onto her shoulder, she glanced down at the abandoned pajamas lying on the floor. Tikki popped out from within the bag and gave Marinette a thoughtful look.

‘Maybe… I should…’ she thought, backtracking on her plans. She shook her head to clear it, stuck her phone in her pocket, and made her way to the trapdoor. She got halfway down the stairs before she ran back up and shoved the floral pink shorts in with everything else, then ran back downstairs, hearing a small giggle from inside her bag as she did so.

She glanced at the time. 5:43PM. She could make it in time if she walked fast enough. Before she left, she stopped by the bakery to give her parents kisses, her mom reminding her of the “serious relationship” talk they’d had the night before that Marinette didn’t want to think about too much as she rushed her way to her boyfriend’s house. She considered taking the metro to avoid getting sweaty, but nixed the idea when she remembered that rush hour was not going to help the state of her underarms either. Transforming was also out of the question unless she wanted attention and a strict talking-to from the kwami napping somewhere in the bag draped over her shoulder.

At 5:58PM, she rang the buzzer to announce her arrival, Nathalie’s questioning coming through the speakers quickly before a slightly panting Marinette made her way to the front doors of the mansion. Before she was even halfway up the stairs, a door was flung open and the boy she loved skirted out from behind it and raced to meet her where she was on the stairs while a disproving Nathalie looked on.

Unfazed by his excited behavior, she laughed as he greeted her with a kiss on each cheek and one on the lips. His face hovered close to hers as he started slipping the bag from her shoulder, “Let me carry that for you, princess.”

Blushing at the fact that Nathalie was watching as well as a reminder of, ‘wow he really is just like a puppy sometimes,’ she obliged and let him carry the bag as he linked arms with her for the remainder of their ascension.

“So I’m on kind of a strict protein based diet right now, something about wanting to bulk me up, so I hope you like meat and veggies with… absolutely no carbs,” trailing off, Adrien gave her a side-eye, a look she only knew too well from whenever he was put on a new diet. She winked at him and made a slight gesture to her bag to indicate that she had some sweet sweet carbs hidden away in there. Adrien grinned and kissed her forehead as they made their way inside the mansion.

Marinette wondered briefly if she would ever get used to the expanse that was the Agreste mansion. It felt too clean and empty to her, especially considering how small and cozy her home was. As they made their way into the dining room with the background noise of Nathalie listing off rules of the house and reminding Adrien of his schedule, Marinette couldn't help that twinge of guilt from settling in her stomach. She wished, for Adrien’s sake, that he could have grown up in a normal house with a normal family and a normal life rather than the one that was put upon him.

As Nathalie took Marinette’s bag from Adrien and left the room, Marinette gave a sad look towards Adrien and was surprised to be met with his expectant and loving gaze. “You okay, ‘Nette?” he asked as he pulled out a chair for her.

“Yeah, sorry! Just got a little… lost in my thoughts, that’s all. Have the rules changed since the last time I was here?” she responded, a smile leaking onto her face as she sat down adjacent to Adrien.

“No, not really. Nathalie did mention specific… bedroom rules,” he blushed at that, “But I don’t really think it applies to us?”

Not understanding why he phrased it as a question, Marinette returned his blush with her own as she asked for clarification, “What kind of ‘bedroom rules’?”

“You know… The usual. Don’t be naked with one another? Leave room for Jesus? Don’t boink your oinks?”

“Word for word, those are the rules?” Marinette giggled, a brow subconsciously quirking up in amusement. 

“It’s in the official Agreste mansion rules for guests, section 51J,” he unrolled an invisible scroll and cleared his throat. “‘Thou shalt not boink oinks until there has been proper discussion of said act between all parties of the household as well as the Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ, in one room. Finally, the oinks in question must be old enough to consent to boinking.’” 

Marinette lost herself in a fit of giggles. Between the funny voice Adrien put on, the idea of Gabriel Agreste having a sex talk with his son, and the goofy smile he was giving her after rolling the invisible scroll back up, it was too much. Adrien joined in with her steadily growing laughter until they had to stop to gasp for air. Marinette wiped a tear from her eye and looked up at Adrien, who was absolutely beaming at her. The moment he moved to push some hair out of her face, the door opened. Marinette watched with a pit in her stomach as Adrien lit up and looked at the door expectantly, only to let his features fall into a frown and let out a sigh. It wasn't his father, it was just the chef bringing in their meals. Marinette let her hand rest on top of Adrien's as plates were set in front of them. The chef placed a glass of water in front of Adrien and a cup of hot jasmine tea down for Marinette. While she knew her attention should be set on her aching boyfriend, she couldn't help but beam at the meal in front of her. It was just as Adrien said - protein heavy red meat and roasted veggies - but Marinette knew that every meal at his house was like eating at a nice restaurant and was excited to dig in. Not only that, but the chef had remembered her love for the fancy jasmine tea they often had at the house. She glanced at her boyfriend once more to make sure he was okay before she started eating. He gave her a smile and then gestured at her plate as he picked up his utensils.

[batfamquotes]

LMAO I forgot there are people who don’t know that talia al-ghul had sex with jason todd

that’s like people not knowing nightwing once kissed catwoman

this came up because https://shewhotellsstories.tumblr.com reblogged this

https://incorrectbatfamiliaquotes.tumblr.com/post/180702420910/jason-todd-i-hadnt-felt-that-messed-up-mentally

and their tags were basically asking did talia commit a statutory rape upon jason

and I realized wow people really don’t know that story and have zero context.

so I want to clarify just what happened between talia and jason 

for the record, I’m not justifying what happens, I’m just explaining the events as they occurred. 

(warning: this gets long)

SO! 

in red hood the lost days we’re shown what jason todd was doing in between getting resurrected, crawling out of his grave, and terrorizing batman when he comes back to gotham as red hood.

where was he?

with talia al-ghul

what was he doing?

getting training from the best teachers she picked out for him

and then killing the ones who turned out to be morally corrupt.

after crawling out of his grave, jason spent 5 months wandering around, then hospitalized, then back to wandering the streets before the al-ghuls found him and brought him to one of their compounds

then after a year of trying and failing to figure out how he came back from the dead, ra’s deemed jason a lost cause. jason had shown that he was a master combatant but he wasn’t all there, not mentally. now this could be because of the obvious trauma he’d been through, and an effect of being resurrected & being described as half dead. it’s very possible he had brain damage, and probably never would have recovered completely or maybe he would have, over a period of several years.

but talia didn’t have that option. ra’s forbid her to tell batman that his son was in her care and custody. and he decided that jason would leave them and be cared for in secret, since in his eyes he wasn’t improving. 

so talia sped up the process. she shoved jason into her father’s lazarus pit, gave him a survival kit, and helped him escape the al-ghul compound.

why? why do all this? well it’s implied that talia hoped to restore jason to the boy he once was, then she’d return him to batman who would be grateful in kind and love talia back.

but it’s pointed out that the chances of that happening aren’t high, and that the longer talia kept jason from bruce, the more likely it would be that bruce would be angry with her for keeping his son from him and not letting him know jason was alive.

after the dip in the lazarus pit, jason’s mental faculties are back to working order, and the pits healing factor works on his body as well, giving him a very late growth spurt.

it’s believed the lazarus pit made jason go “crazy” when he went on his vengeance driven kill spree but all it did for him mentally was undo his brain damage, throughout lost days and under the red hood jason’s got a clear moral stance and is driven by anger. yes he’s violent, but he’s coherent.

after reconnecting with talia, jason tells her he wants to kill batman for not avenging him and asks for her help, which she gives, while also stalling him by insisting he gain training in a variety of fields.

which he does. he’s an incredibly fast learner.

during that time, talia helps jason financially, paying for his livelihood and his teachers that she picks out for him

as his goals change, during the story he meets with talia on several occasions, telling her of his progress and plans. she’s a major part of his life, but he’s left to his own devices.

at the end of the series, talia tells jason that her father is dead by batman’s hand, and encourages him to gain vengeance on bruce, for slights made against him and her.

she then pulls jason towards her, and kisses him. he kisses her back, they fall to the bed, making out, and they have sex.

since up until that point jason had been focusing on training, and no mention of any love interests are made, there’s no reason to think he would have had penetrative sex before this, so it’s pretty clear that talia takes jason’s virginity. and yes, virginity is a social construct but for the narrative’s sake let’s call it what it is.

now, when jason comes back from the dead, it’s 6 months after he’s been buried.

at that point, jason was 15

in red hood the lost days it’s clear that a couple years pass between talia helping jason escape, his training, and the time they have sex.

so the timeline is, 15-16, being taken care of by talia, going on the run, deciding to murder batman

16-17, training from different teachers, learning new skills batman hadn’t taught him

18, giving up on murdering batman, and choosing to enact revenge instead, then talia takes his virginity

(for reference, he’s two years older than tim drake who was 16 when jason came back to gotham in under the red hood, so at the end of lost days jason is 18)

here is jason with talia in issue 1

look at how small and tiny he is. just like the malnourished robin he once was. he’s 15 at this point.

this is them in issue 2

he’s clearly older here, but not by much, he’s at least 16.

and here they are in issue 3, you can see jason’s aging, he’s either still 16 or he’s 17

and in issue 4, he’s either a late 17 or an early 18 here at this point in the story.

sidenote, jason with long hair and scruff is a LOOK!

and this is the Moment where they have sex in issue 6 when jason is 18

and the aftermath

I’m pretty sure that’s a condom wrapper next to the phone.

compare jason in issue 1 to issue 6. he goes from a teen to an adult, and the transitions are obvious.

NOW

let’s get into the why.

it’s clear that talia is most likely using jason to get at bruce, but along the way she grows to care for jason.

it should be noted that at that point jason is still emotionally a mess from everything, and talia is dealing with her father’s death, so they’re two compromised individuals seeking comfort in one another. it’s cathartic. but that doesn’t make it healthy. 

from the ages of 15 to 18 talia is jason’s primary caretaker. she doesn’t raise him, she’s not his mother, not biologically, legally, or technically. but she is a mother figure to him.

and talia is significantly older than jason, being in either her late 20s or early 30s

they aren’t unaware of their connection through batman, talia being his ex and jason being his adopted son

basically their having sex is a literal and figurative way of saying ‘screw you’ to the man

so their connection through bruce, age difference, power imbalanced relationship in the lost days story line, and their emotionally vulnerable states means that their having sex is unhealthy and it’s meant to be seen that way, it’s not supposed to be “hot” or good.

talia throughout the story manipulates jason into being the type of man bruce refuses to be, one who kills without hesitation.

but I wouldn’t say she takes advantage of him, not in the way you’d assume.

this isn’t a grooming situation, talia manipulates jason emotionally but not sexually. it’s messed up, we’re not contesting that

however, we will say that jason todd is legally an adult when talia has sex with him and it’s clear that it’s consensual on both their parts

jason’s not in a good head space when it happens but he is an adult physically, mentally and emotionally. 

it’s not statutory rape or incestuous, but it is very very messed up.

the closest comparison I can make is, imagine during stephanie brown’s batgirl run when she was an 18 year old college student and wasn’t dating tim drake at the time, if bruce wayne found himself attracted to her and had sex with stephanie brown in spite of her being his son’s ex girlfriend who tim obviously was still in love with and would never be over, bruce being significantly older than stephanie, not acting as a father figure towards her, but a mentor of sorts over the years, and bruce knowing stephanie since she was a 14 year old teenage girl. illegal? no. messed up? very.

I’m aware an 18 year old jason’s not going to have the same maturity level as someone older, he’s still growing, but that’s not the point here.

it’s consensual and legal sure

but it’s also unhealthy and messed up for the reasons listed above

it’s interesting, that jason wanting to find his biological mother was the major catalyst that drove him to the events that led to his death, and after he rose from the dead he found a mother figure in talia

[zydrateacademy]

Current Activities in Gaming #222 (and life in general)

Do I even have anyone left to read my stuff? Alright, I’m gonna be real here. There’s a few variables that led to my inactivity on Tumblr. Let’s break down a few. 1) It’s not as fun. And not just because nudity was removed, though let’s be honest that’s certainly a variable. Ever since the Tumblr company shuffling of leadership there’s been a few choice updates that just don’t lend well towards the community. My activity feed is mostly just memes at this point. Also, I love blogging but I’ve yet to find a different platform to do so on, but I’ll be sure to google some alternatives soon enough.

2) I’d rather just be playing. These bigger CA posts typically take an hour or two to write up. I don’t plan them, I just open the post up and let my thoughts just get dumped. An hour or two is a lot of time, and that’s plenty of time to make some headway in certain games. Maybe pausing during an MMO during a dungeon queue or a raid party reset, but I don’t think I’ve touched an MMO in a couple of years so that window has closed.  As a 2a, you could also just say I just very simply haven’t been in the mood to dedicate an hour or two every couple of days.

3) Schedule switchup and fatigue. A few months ago I transferred out of front end at the grocery store I work at, and into the produce department. There was more than one chance. For one, I no longer work morning shifts (often was 7am to 1pm or noonish). That’s 5-6 hour shifts and that gives me my day to play around with. However the produce department needed a closer, so now I’m up to 8.5 hour shifts, typically 1:30 to 10pm (EST, in case that matters). I was getting 40 hours a week but I asked my boss to downgrade me to 32 instead, which is still a few more than what I was getting on front end in addition to a raise, because front end is typically the “bottom” of the retail totem pole for some reason, despite them being pretty damn important to customer experience. Regardless, at the end of almost 9 hours, I typically just come home, turn on an ASMR video on my second monitor and basically shut my brain and body down as I mindlessly plug away at whatever game I’m playing. And yes, apparently I’m ‘essential’. So I’m still working during the pandemic.

Now then. Let’s get to what I’ve been up to, and none of this is in any particular order since I’ve last posted. I must have hopped to two or three different Conan Exiles servers while ultimately settling on Oasis of Pleasure, a very ERP driven place. I spend a good month or two being active and then I just gotta wait for the next server reset and let my personal CE batteries recharge.

I’ve gotten back into Skyrim, and I really should do some scrolling to find my last CA number for that. I’ve more than doubled my hours on the special edition, and apparently it’s been just under four years since I touched it last. Right now I’m playing a sort of nonlethal thief. The Ordinator perk overhaul (which is a must have, honestly) gives the light armor tree some big bonuses to hand to hand and makes it incredibly viable even in higher difficulties. She keeps a bow and knife around for “monsters” but ultimately uses her fists against most humanoids. I’ve been trying something different during the thieves guild questline: Actually sneaking by everyone and not murdering the fuck out of every humanoid you run into. Which is an option, fun enough. You can fail the radiant quests by murdering the homeowners but most of the questline is filled with mercenaries and you can’t really ‘fail’ the main missions (though I wonder what happens if you kill that argonian?) otherwise players could block a shit load of content from themselves.

I’ve also played a hot barbarian werewolf girl, some kind of Nazgul looking woman, and some other stuff.

Hilariously I’ve yet to get a decent screenshot of my current nonlethal thief. Her kit is pretty damn basic, wearing a custom set of the guildmaster armor with the black bandoleers. Honestly she looks pretty unassuming, which is kind of the purpose. Maybe I’ll go take her hood off and get a screenshot. Some day.

After that, I will say I’ve done some preorders. I still await Bloodlines 2 and Cyberpunk 2077. Delays notwithstanding, last time I checked they’re being released at roughly the same timeframe. I also preordered Horizon Zero Dawn which I am enjoying but must admit that some elements of it are a tad underwhelming. Maybe it’s because I played a good chunk of AC:Odyssey again recently, but I grow tired of the random garbage pickup game for basic crafting. Games just can’t really stand on their own two legs anymore, and open world games seem to be stuck on a few trends they can’t shake. Running around mining for ore and picking at tree branches is not fun. It’s a side effect of HZD indeed being four years old already, but I’ll still probably get a good few dozen hours on it. Not sure if I’ll bother beating it, but I do like Aloy and her story, though I’ve been treated with some spoilers since its release so I kind of know where it’s headed. After that... Let’s check my ‘recent’ list on Steam.

So we got some Town of Salem, which has become my go-to night closer before bed most nights. Last time I made a post on it I probably only had 10-20 hours played, of which I now have over 200. I’m sure as hell a lot better than I used to be, but the All Any gamemodes still manage to make my headspin, but they lead to some hilarious moments. All other modes makes it very difficult because of the “no claim space” meta, so I like hitting AA so I can claim whatever the hell I want. I’ve wanted to get back into Dying Light but it does something dirty to my computer that always demands a hard restart. You basically can’t tab away at all, even in borderless mode. And when I try exiting, I can no longer click any tabs. So hard power button it is. It’s such a good game and it feels really good to play, but I just can’t let it force me to do hard restarts anymore. I’ve dabbled into many others and some aren’t worth mentioning too much. We got Star Wars Battlefront 2, which I was approaching with some level of skill. I like the Co-Op modes but it feels like there’s only like three maps for that. Was fun with my brother for a while but that mode needs like ten new maps. But I believe development has stopped (a while ago, too), as the team is probably working on the next thing. I’ve already posted my dealings with the likes of Mount and Blade 2: Bannerlord and Generation Zero. I never got around to beating GZ’s Alpine expansion. I got my 40 hours of it and frankly... that was enough. Good game, just lacks some depth. Some reviewers mentioned that the loop became too shallow and I can kind of agree, even though it took me 40 hours to get to that point.  As for MNB, I’m sort of waiting on the more final phases of its early access. It’s basically getting patched every since week and I had trouble keeping up with all the mod downloads. So I’m thinking of doing a full uninstall (mods and all) and waiting longer down the development line. Maybe with workshop support, playing and updating will be more stable. That’s about the last I have within the last few months. I’ll probably get around to finding my last Skyrim post and pick up from where I left off.

[fourteenacross]

octet - 5/25/19, 2pm

Hello, hello, I'm back from New Jersey! Which, you probably didn't even know I left, because I never post here anymore, but since we've yet to find a new platform for fannish happenings, I don't really have anywhere else to post show notes and the like.

Anyway, we saw Octet and Hadestown over the long weekend. I saw Hadestown at the NYTW in 2016, but I saw it the same day I saw Hamilton for the first time and my notes are lost to the ages. More about that later, though. (Tomorrow, probably.) For now, I'm going to focus on Octet.

So, here's what I knew about Octet going in: - Part of Dave Malloy's five year residency at the Signature Theatre - internet/discourse - Alex Gibson - a cappella? - support group?

The day before I did a little bit more digging, but I was kind of into going in blind, so I didn't dig too much.

Overall, I really liked it! My above the cut review is that, like all good Malloy shows, it brought up a lot of interesting concepts and shined a light on very relatable behaviors and ways of thinking. It doesn't really have a plot or narrative, and seems to largely exist to explore different types of internet denizens. As such, the characters vacillate between being actual people and being archetypes. I think all of this is fine--not everything needs to be a tautly plotted story, it's okay for this to be a song cycle, not a narrative musical. But I'm putting that out there for anyone who's thinking about going, just so you're aware when you head in.

First off, the set dressing is amazing. It looks just like a ratty church all purpose room, down to the way the light switches are labelled and the signs on the wall with clean-up instructions for group leaders. The walk in is papered with flyers advertising self-help groups, tutoring, charity walks, etc.

The show is set up like a support group meeting. A couple actors come in before the start and clean up the detritus of a bingo game and set up for the meeting, and then the group gathers and they begin. The group is “Friends of Saul,” and group members are told to put their phones off and in a basket against the wall, as they're here for various screen addictions.

Hymn: The Forest: This was a very Malloy song--it starts off a a meditation on a beautiful forest and takes a left turn. Delightful. Halfway through, Velma comes into the meeting and joins the other seven folks for the end of the hymn.

Refresh: Paula, the group leader, welcomes Velma to the group and tells them that Saul can’t be here this week, but he’s asked her to lead. She then asks if anyone wants to share. Jessica acquiesces and talks about how she was the subject of a viral video and has been "egosurfing" ever since, a compulsion to read all the shitty things strangers are saying about her without knowing her at all. (Unsurprisingly, Malloy says this song was heavily influenced by his feelings post-Comet.) Margo Seibert kills this song, which delves into our kneejerk tendency to pile on, sometimes without knowing or caring about context. It made me think a lot about how this goes both ways--the song focused on the negative, but obviously Milkshake Duck Syndrome is the same basic concept at its core.

Candy: Henry offers to share next. He talks about how his life is going okay at the moment, he's been on a few dates, but he hasn't had the heart to tell the guy about his "problem" yet, which is that he's addicted to video games. The song obviously invokes Candy Crush, but also refers to various other games including MMORPGs, FPSs, RPGs, and other phone puzzles games. I love this song--it is insanely catchy, Alex Gibson is delightful, and it's also profoundly sad and relatable. Henry eventually reveals that he uses games to avoid the real world and he's fairly sure he doesn't care if he dies, so he uses these games to string himself along and pass the time. Ouch. Also hashtag relatable content.

Glow: Paula shares next and talks about how she and her husband are both screen addicts and how they'll lie next to each other in bed, each on their own devices, ignoring the other, and how she wishes he would stop bringing the catastrophes of the world into their bed. She's lonely and sad and he doesn't see it because he doesn't look up from his phone. Starr Busby is incredible and, as a person who had to take an eight-month twitter break because she couldn’t handle the constant barrage of despair, I feel this song pretty hard.

Fugue State: Paula sets a metronome ticking for a five minute silent fugue state. The characters cycle through various thoughts about social media and the internet, calling out specific formatting for jokes and call out posts and "um actually"ing other people's comments in a whirlwind of commentary on how we interact with each other online. It's a very well put together song, but it's another one of those moments where it's clear this is a collection of songs about a concept rather than a narrative story.

Hymn: Monster: There's a five minute break, in which Henry approaches Velma, who's been quiet up to this point. She launches into a fast and awkward explanation of how she's on a self-imposed internet hiatus because she keeps getting tied up in discourse that's not good for her. She talks about being a part of a previous group that was not good and how she's since gotten into tarot instead, but there are parts of that group that aren't good, too (she delves into the Sephora Starter Witch Kit debacle), so instead she's taking a break and only talking to her one friend, whom she refers to constantly as "my friend." It was a very stark moment of self-recognition, tee bee aitch, and Velma is definitely the closest to the fannish millennial internet archetype. She says she found the group after Saul broke into a chat with her friend to tell her about it, so her friend said she had to come to check it out. After her monologue about all of this to Henry, the others return from their break to sing a hymn called "Monster" that talks about online trolls and how engaging with them and reading their exploits poisons your brain.

Solo: Karly and Ed alternate in this song, coming together in moments of similar sentiment. It's really an interesting way to handle the topics in question. Karly is singing about dating apps and how hard it is to find a dude who actually cares about her and the thin line between being asserting herself and the possibility of being the impetus for another MRA mass shooting. Ed, meanwhile, is a lonely dude who is on the verge of turning to the incel community because they can relate to his feelings of rejection and isolation. The whole thing is creepy and awful and very well blended--there's some empathy on both sides, while also making it clear how awful these dudes are.

Actually: This is Toby's song. Toby is a former punk kid turned conspiracy theorist. This is the song I struggled with the most. I just couldn't follow it narratively--I wasn't even 100% positive about the "conspiracy theorist" part until I could come home to read the lyrics. The lighting in this song was wonderful, though, and the ensemble was great. It just didn't click with me and it was harder for me to follow.

Little God: Dang, I loved this bit. It was the weirdest, and also had a distinctly Douglas Adams flavor, which was especially apt as I was attending the show on Towel Day. (So, honestly, it’s not surprising that I liked this bit so much, in retrospect.) Marvin, a neuroscientist, is up late with his new baby daughter when he has a vision from god. He chalks it up to a dream until god appears to him again the next morning. He goes to his lab, where all the other scientists have had a similar experience, and god appears to them in the visage of a little girl, whom they call Little God. They do a series of tests to prove whether god is real, and can manage to find scientific explanations for them all, trapped in this cycle of seeing wonderful things and then dissecting them clinically. Velma ends his story by telling him he's "The Hanged Man," the tarot card that represents everything one believes about oneself being flipped on its head.

Tower Tea Ceremony: The group starts a tea ceremony, passing around cups of tea, after which Paula comes around adding drops of something to the cups. Velma nervously asks what it is, and Paula calmly explains that it's a powerful group psychedelic that induces a five minute coma. Everyone else is chill with this, but Velma is visibly startled and nervous and does not drink her tea. Everyone else passes out, leaving her alone.

Beautiful: While everyone else is passed out, Velma sings her story. She was lonely and felt ugly and fat and stupid. She spent a lot of time alone and cut herself, but eventually found another girl just like her on the other side of the world. She had the same interests and liked the same things and felt the same way. She tells Velma that she's worthwhile and that there's light inside of her and, through seeing the same within her friend, she's able to start to accept that about herself. Kuhoo Verma is something else entirely on this song. It felt so personal and quiet and perfect. And, to be honest, it really anchored the show for me. After almost twenty-five years of being a nerdy, lonely kid on the internet, I tend to be very kneejerk protective of internet friendships. When people deride the internet as toxic, my urge is always to defend it because it's the source of all the good things in my life. I didn't have a lot of friends as a kid and I was socially anxious, but the internet was a way for me to meet other people who liked the same weird things I liked. These days that's a much more common, accepted story, but it was weird and new in 1996, so I spent a lot of years either lying about how I knew my friends or insisting that the internet wasn't just pedophiles and murderers. Obviously in the years since, the internet has grown into something bigger and, frequently, more toxic than I could have imagined at ten, eleven years old on the AOL Jonny Quest message boards. The urge to defend it has never gone away, however, and so I was obviously a little nervous about this show. But I trust Dave and I know that he's a big ol' nerd like the rest of us and doesn't pretend to be above our petty, silly forms of entertainment. And I'm glad I did, because it's important to me that this was the song he ended on--a quiet reminder that there's good to be found on the internet, that it's not all bad, that parts of it can be life-saving.

Hymn: The Field: The show ends with the group closing out their meeting with another hymn. Paula tells everyone next week’s meeting will be somewhere else and that she’ll email the details. Velma says she isn’t sure if she’ll come back, and she’s told that it doesn’t matter—the same people don’t always come week to week, but Saul will make sure there are eight people in attendance. The hymn is a nice, sweet song about coming together beyond the fighting and ugliness to appreciate each other and the world.

So, yeah, overall, I enjoyed it. I really needed to sit and think about it for a little bit after first seeing it, and I think repeat listenings will find a lot more to enjoy about it. Like I said, there’s not so much a story or narrative to get lost in, but the individual songs hold up well in the loose framework of the show, and a lot of them are both catchy and thought-provoking in a very Malloy way. I’m glad I got to see it, and I’m interested to see where it goes from here, if anywhere.

[murasaki-murasame]

Oh boy, that anniversary Dragalia Digest sure was something, huh? lol

Anyway I’ve got a lot of thoughts on it, and the surprising amount of announcements and surprises in it.

ok realistically like half of my brain power is still being taken up by ‘MEGAMAN!????’ but I have at least some actual thoughts on everything else we’re gonna get in the anniversary and in the near future, lol.

And on that note, I’m surprised at how much stuff they talked about that’ll be slowly coming out over the next six months. I expected this digest to just be about the anniversary. I’m honestly a little unsure exactly when certain things are planned to come out since they kinda just jump from ‘anniversary stuff’ to ‘stuff for later this year’ to ‘stuff that’ll happen by the 1.5-year anniversary’ really quickly. But at the very least we know what the 1.12 update has in it since that’s out now.

Anyway, I ended up being right about a fair amount of my predictions [if I remember them all right], with me mostly just being wrong about my more hopeful but unlikely guesses like a Switch port or an anime announcement. But I was right about a lot of the event stuff. Though it wasn’t really hard to predict stuff like Euden being our new gala unit :v

I’m honestly a bit surprised that they’re actually committing to having his alt be a summonable gacha unit and not a free welfare unit of some kind, or a direct promotion of the existing Euden. It feels kinda strange to have to try and pull for an alt of the protagonist, but oh well.

As i figured, he’s a light sword unit, and I probably should have expected that he’d end up being really strong. On paper he sounds like a melee version of Gala Cleo, so I guess we’ll see how that turns out. Light needs more strong DPS units, but it mostly just needs strong DPS units that are in the regular summoning pool. At least shadow has a whole bunch of strong non-limited units. And we’re even getting a shadow banner after the gala. So I hope that we can at least get some more good light DPS units from other banners soon. But really I just hope they don’t balance light-attuned content around the assumption that you have Gala Euden. In the short term lots of people will probably get him between the daily free tenfold summons and the platinum gala summon, but once this is all over he’ll be really hard to get.

They’re also casually dropping the fact that some units are gonna get unique coabilities, starting with him. I’m really curious to see if this will be exclusive to limited units, or if some random banner units down the track will also have unique coabilities.

It also looks like we’re getting a regular raid event starting in a few days, which is kinda surprising. I wasn’t expecting a raid event next since we’re getting an astral raid this weekend, but I think the raid event will start pretty much immediately after the next astral raid ends, so i guess it works out, lol. I was expecting more of an anniversary-themed event, if that makes sense, but the more i think about it, the more that might actually be the case. Sort of.

We still don’t really know much about the raid event since it hasn’t gotten a detailed announcement yet, but they decided to announce the post-gala summon banner which seems to be directly tied to this event, since they have the same name and all, and it puts into perspective what the event will probably be about.

Basically, the next banner has Alberius’ pacted dragon on it, a new unit who’s related to the Binding Ruins which were a big part of the history of the royal family, and the other new unit is tied to the royal family as well. The event also seems themed around time travel, since it’s called Fractured Futures, the raid boss is called Chronos, and there’s clockwork-themed event currency. The guy on the event banner image who’s probably gonna be our welfare unit for the event also looks a LOT like Euden.

So let’s just say that a whole bunch of signs seem to be pointing at the idea of time travel magic or whatever letting us get young Alberius as a welfare unit, along with his pacted dragon as a new dragon we can summon. Maybe the new banner units will be part of the raid event story itself, and it’ll be themed around Alberius’ history and the royal family in general, which would be a nice follow-up to chapter 10, and it’d feel important and plot-relevant enough to be a nice anniversary event.

Or i could be wrong and the event welfare unit could just be some random blond dude who just so happens to look like he’s related to Euden, but the lore behind the new banner units and the fact that the next banner just straight up has Alberius’ dragon on it makes me think I’m probably right. [He might also be some other ancestor of Euden’s who isn’t Alberius, but it’d be weird if we got some random ancestor of his while we get Alberius’ dragon in the next banner]

I was kinda sad that us getting Gala Euden might mean we wouldn’t get Alberius as a playable unit, but this would be a fun way for them to have their cake and eat it too, lol. Considering what happened in chapter 10 they were going to need some kinda time travel magic to let us use him anyway, and that might be exactly what they’re doing. So I can’t complain, since chapter 10 really made me want Alberius as a playable unit. I just hope that he’s not yet another light sword who’s gonna be immediately invalidated by Gala Euden. Especially since even before this we got Alfonse as a really good light sword event unit. They could at least make him a light blade unit or something to make him stand out. Or maybe they’ll throw us a curveball and he’ll be a shadow unit.

And on the topic of the shadow banner we’re gonna get for this event later, I think it’s gonna take me a while to figure out exactly how I feel about it. I’m happy about Chthonius since I don’t think shadow has a non-limited 5-star strength dragon yet, but the two new adventurers seem . . . weird. Between this and Lea, they’re really leaning hard into these Fjorm-esque units lately. It’s kinda weird. In general it’s just hard to tell how useful they’ll be.

Cassandra reminds me a bit of Veronica, but her skills don’t seem to be directly affected by her HP lowering, and her S1 is an HP buff and recovery skill, which is . . . an odd choice for someone who seems to be based around taking damage. I guess the plan is to have her keep alternating between getting to low health and then healing herself so she can trigger her strength buff again by taking more damage. Oh and there’s also the fact that she’s gonna be in competition with Gala Cleo, but at least she’s not limited.

And on the other hand, Delphi just has a bizarre-looking kit. His kit’s all about debuffing the enemy and inflicting poison on them, but he also has a permanent 60% strength debuff on himself for? some reason??? I can only assume that without it, his personal DPS would be way too high in addition to his poison and debuffs. But it’s certainly a new way to go about handicapping a unit to keep them from being overpowered. I just hope it doesn’t lead to him being too weak. But on the other hand, he’s cute, so really it’s impossible to say whether or not he’s a bad unit :)

It’s also worth noting that there might be a secret 4-star in the banner since those are never talked about in these preview posts, but the last couple of shadow banners have just been two 5-star adventurers and a 5-star dragon so I wouldn’t bet on it. But if we do get one, I think blade is the only weapon type we don’t have a shadow 4-star unit for, so that’d be nice to get.

I want to splurge on the gala since i’ve been specifically saving up for it, but between us getting free daily tenfolds, us getting a shorter second gala period where the earlier gala units are featured, AND us knowing about the post-gala banner like two weeks in advance, I’m not really sure if it’d be a good idea for me to go all in on it immediately. But I also want to get Gala Euden, so we’ll see.

I’m still kinda shocked that we’re getting ten whole days of tenfold summons. I know I predicted something like this, but I figured it’d be a week at most, and just cover the gala. But this is ten days long, and the last three days will apply for the post-gala banner. We’re also getting 5k wyrmite from the log-in bonus, 2.5k wyrmite in total from the co-op reward reset, and a tenfold voucher from the version update, so this is . . . a lot of free summons.

I probably should have expected that we’d get a platinum summon for the gala, but I didn’t expect it to also include Euden. I figured it’d only cover the first four gala units.

We’re also getting a 5-star dragon voucher from log-in bonuses, and there’s gonna be several types of 5-star vouchers in store packs.

And I guess that on the flip side, all that generosity lead to them choosing not to do a dream summon for the anniversary, which is kinda sad since I specifically had diamantum saved up for one. Oh well.

The 1.12 update itself seems a bit low-key, with a lot of the really interesting stuff coming in the next few months, but I’m really happy about the raid battle improvements. It’s nice to see what they’re actually taking feedback into consideration and improving how they work. Like how a while ago they made blazon summons way more convenient, and even more recently they got a lot cheaper to do. I’ve been one of the people wanting them to overhaul the EX Raid system to remove the randomness from it, so i’m glad we’re getting exactly the sort of system I wanted.

I wasn’t expecting the system where in each raid event from now on we’re apparently gonna be able to get a 5t3 weapon of our choosing after we beat an EX Raid. But they seem to have a lot of plans related to higher-tier endgame weapons, so I guess they’re just trying to make the 5t3 weapons more accessible. It seems to be limited to one weapon per raid event, so it’s not exactly gamebreaking, but it’d go a long way toward lessening the grind to get them.

Omega raids just seem like they’re an even stronger version of nightmare raids, which is cool and all, but I don’t even think i’ve managed to beat a nightmare raid yet so it’s not really relevant to me yet, lol

Though the new raid boost system seems designed to make the higher difficulty tiers more accessible. Assuming that they aren’t balanced around them and it all just evens out anyway.

We’re also getting a retweet campaign like last time. I think this one has even better rewards, though. The idea of one person getting literally a hundred goddamn sunlight stones is kinda insane. At that point you could probably find a whale in the community who’d give you some serious cash to buy your account, lol.

The mana and rupie rewards are whatever, but a max of 100k eldwater is kinda absurd. I guess I’ll be getting a lot of wyrmprints maxed out and characters to 50MC now.

And then there’s some random quality of life and UI type stuff. As everyone hoped, we’re gonna be able to change the home screen BGM now, which is nice. I’m surprised that they’re putting in Haikei Goodbye Sayonara as an option, though. I don’t think that’s ever been used in DL before, and it definitely wasn’t made just for the game.

The new hammer item thing seems like a nice quality of life addition to help out with late-game grinding, since it starts to take ages to finish buildings, and it’s never a good idea to spend wyrmite on them. It’ll be interesting to see how often you’ll end up getting them.

The honey tree seems to basically be a system where once every three days or so you can get a free stamina refill, so that’s pretty neat. It’ll make it even easier to hoard up honey, I guess. I feel like we need more ways to get getherwings, though.

And then there’s the stuff that we know isn’t gonna be in the anniversary but will be added over the next few months.

I wasn’t expecting them to revisit and flesh out the high dragon trials, but adding in higher difficulty tiers for them is a neat idea. I’m wary of the time attack leaderboard concept, though.

High dragon weapons seem to be their big plan to create a new weapon tier for even further endgame content. I wonder how that’ll turn out in the long run, and how hard they’ll be to obtain, considering how much you need to grind for 5t3s as it is.

I didn’t actually think this was a very likely guess, but I ended up being right about the idea of them expanding mana circles to give units more boosts across the board. Though it doesn’t seem to be tied to any sort of special transcendence/6-star/etc system like i thought. If it’s gated behind getting a unit to 50MC, I hope they really revamp the materials you need to get that far, since there’s some serious bottlenecks going on with champion testaments and eldwater. Even if every unit in the game gets more or less equally buffed by this, and some weaker units become a lot more viable, people would still just choose to prioritize their stronger units if they have to be very selective in how they spend their resources.

Either way, I hope it’s more than just a set of flat stat buffs. I hope they give units new skills and abilities, or at least boost their existing ones.

As I expected, we’re getting a new tier of endgame bosses beyond high dragon trials, though we probably aren’t gonna get our first one until chapter 11 drops. I was almost certain it was gonna be themed around Euden’s siblings and their dragons, after how chapter 10 ended, but I think I prefer the direction they seem to be going with it instead. The fact that they’re all humanoid bosses who explicitly aren’t dragons, and are a complete mystery in general, is a lot more interesting to me. I have a feeling that, like how you can obtain the high dragons as units by farming them, you might be able to earn these bosses as playable adventurers if you farm them enough, which would be really neat.

They also seem to have some really unique designs, and they all look completely different to each other. I actually wonder how they’d work as playable units, if we can play as them, since they have such unique and somewhat alien designs. I’m really curious about the boss that seems to be a set of twins. That could be a fun set-up for a boss fight in and of itself, but there’s a lot they could do with a playable adventurer who’s a set of twins that you both control. The one we got a proper design for makes me think it’s gonna tie into the sci-fi direction the story seems to be taking with chapter 11.

And on the note of chapter 11, we got confirmation that it’ll come out in December, and that we’ll get a new story chapter afterward every two months. It’s really nice to have a schedule planned out for that, but the wait for December will be rough. It also sounds like we’re getting short story segments or side-stories in the months between main story chapters. I wonder what they’ll do with that.

Then at the very end we got a rough list of stuff that’s probably all just scheduled for January-March 2020.

Most of it isn’t really noteworthy, but i’m really intrigued by the ‘play past events at any time’ bullet-point. I assume it’ll just be a way to read through old event stories, but the fact that they said ‘play past events’ rather than ‘read past event stories’ makes me wonder if they might actually include the raid bosses and stuff with them. I have no idea how that’d work, though, since not many people are going to be randomly doing co-op for old archived events. At the very least, if they use this as a way to let us obtain the welfare units from past events, that’d be great. It might let them stop doing event reruns altogether, if people can get all the rewards from them in some kind of event archive. But I kinda doubt it.

We’re also getting a What’s Ahead type of post on the first of October, which I assume will just go over some of the stuff in this digest in more detail. But maybe they’d also announce the Halloween event that we’ll inevitably get at the end of next month.

All in all I’m really happy with what this digest had to offer, even though I wish the next raid event would start immediately on the anniversary after this void endeavor week ends. It’s gonna be a bit boring if we get a few days where the only gameplay event going on is double drops.

[nyanzaya]

@aquaaes inquired: -crashes into ur inbox for that url shit cause i need that validation-

Send Me A URL and I’ll Respond With My Opinions… Im a week late or something bro - Still accepting

Roleplaying/Writing

My favorite muse(s) of theirs and why: OH GOSH BRO. LISTEN. I don’t interact with like, a lot of your boys and I feel the bad but I really like Haru because uh, he’s your baby and you write him so well and I also like Makoto even though I like, forgot to reply to that starter... I ADORE IKUYA? HE’S ADORABLE? AND I DON’T EVEN KNOW HOW HE ISN’T DONE WITH EVERYONE’S BS. SAME WITH THAT ONE GUY YOU HAVE AND THAT OLD MAN GUY WHO I SAID HIS VINE IS ’YOU CANT KILL ME IM A BAD BITCH” LIKE WHY ARE THEY SO FUNNY TO ME I DON’T UNDERSTAND IT. I love love LOVE your Izaya like, I cry at night and work when I think about him and then I think about IzaIza and don’t...don’t ask me if I’m okay. Because I’m not. I’m not okay. My favorite interaction/thread of theirs: Bro... the interactions between Yukine and that one Izaya? It’s so amusing. Then literally anything with the otp3 you have I just-- can’t recall their blog names atm but it’s with Haru and Rin and you use Ikuya. Can’t even LIE anything with the old man guy and that one guy who was like ‘if you kiss more than 6 times you’s not friend an’more’ LOL LIKE PLEASE. For us like, I gotta say the Iza/Izaya interactions idk they are like our oldest ship, I think they are like 4 or 5 years old which is, uhm, wild? It feels like....they hadn’t actually gotten to do much together but that’s because Izaya just “Bye bitch” a lot and other things. Even though I also really liked the stuff we had with Haru/Iza too, it as pure. My thoughts on their unique characterization/interpretation of their muse(s): I’ll start with Haru because, what the fuck. What the FUCK BRO. I never, ever in my entire life watched Free! Never have, not sure if I will but literally you make me love Haru and I don’t even know his whole like, story bro. How you do that? Like; wtf. You got me to love a character I thought I’d never really care about because the way you write him is so? fucking? impressive? BELIEVE ME. I always thought Haru was just a stoic guy that every anime needs because ‘oh we need a silent type’ but bro... You write him to be so much more. He is still quiet/silent hell yeah but, holy shit. You actually make it fucking interesting? LIKE? EXCUSE ME? Your use of body language and soft sounds is amazing! I honestly really appreciate it a lot, considering the fact my muses (mostly Iza) rely on reading body language quite a bit to understand another person. You just know how to write it so naturally and beautifully into a character like Haru who doesn’t use much words. Then fucking Izaya. Holy fuck. I absolutely ADORE your Izaya so much because it FEELS like it’s Izaya? Like, listen. He probably is very different from how he was years ago but he still has the soul and heart of a true bastard sad man who loves humanity. He’s so fun to write with and I always get so happy to write with him like; it’s a god damn privilege to me to get to write with him? Like I never thought I’d ever get to write with him because ya know, I was a personal blog before I actually started Rping and lmfao our meeting was so funny. You spam liked my blog because it was literally just full of drrr and quotes and I was like “This has to be a sign. they gotta like me because they followed me right have WHAT DOES THIS MAKE US?” And I did it back I think. LMFAO IT WAS SO DUMB BUT THAT’S HOW WE GOT TO TALKING. Listen kids, if you want someone’s attention literally spam like about 40 posts and follow them right after. It’ll definitely send the signal that you want to talk to them.  My thoughts on their writing style as a whole: UGH PLEASE YOU BLESS ME AND EVERYONE WHO READS It. YOU MIGHT NOT THINK ITS GOOD BUT IT IS OKAY? ITS GREAT! YOU LITERALLY HAVE A GREAT WAY WITH WORDS BRO Situation(s)/Plot(s) I’d love to see their muse(s) in: Bro... I don’t even know... but maybe an AU Transitior, like you remember that game right? LOL Maybe Haru as Red? And Rin as the sword? or the other way around?? :eyes:  Someone else I love seeing them interact with: oh god I can’t even decide because all of them make me just aaaaaa but prob anything with freestyleharu Anything else I want to say about their roleplaying: BRO. Your writing is inspirational, easy to follow and it’s fun to read. You are definitely doing something right and I’m just?? Proud of you :”> 

If We Know Each Other

What I Think Are Their Best Qualities: fun to chat with? Crazy fun ideas. Communicative once comfortable. A meme lord.  What I Think Are Their Strengths: In terms of personality, I can’t even tell you because we are so ride or die I don’t even know. I just love how we can talk about anything and it’s not weird or awkward. In terms of Rp; being able to work with pretty much any idea. Good at winging threads, especially if it’s a first interaction. Super friendly! Unless you are their close friend then they mean, but in that good way. A Memorable OOC Interaction Of Ours:

This sums up our entire relationship 

Why Others Should RP With Them: If you want someone who would be as excited about a thread as you are, Vati is your boy. He has so many muses too from various fandoms so there’s so many things that could happen! All you have to do is just, know which muse you want to interact with and then jump in and Vati will literally return the favors right quick How Others Should Approach Them: Despacito memes in the DMs. That’s it. Or liking all their posts and then following them like they done to me then I guess that works too LOL be friendly with him and he’ll return it so fast it’s like you guys was friends from a past life. Other Roleplayers I’d Recommend To Them: Bro.... I don’t even know okay. I think you already follow everyone I rp with so I can’t recommend anymore LMFAO Anything else I want to say about them: I love you bitch, I ain’t never gonna stop loving you. Bitch. 

If We Have/Plan To Interact Together

A plot I’d like to write with them: Fuck plot lmfao. There isn’t really a plot I have in mind? I mean... I guess something with Iza’s v; grand finale verse but he does die in that one. I wouldn’t even know which muse would even deal like Izaya could but *laughtrack.wav* or maybe a plot with Iza and Haru but legit, no idea what plot. My brain keeps going back to Izabel LOL and that plot you kept sending me with the whole airplane crash and not revealing if Ringabel was on it or not. A muse I want to introduce to them: I think you already know all my muses? At least my active ones, like Zuo and our cursed content son Iza. There’s Aiko and Asher(zuo’s mom and then the kid he adopted) but i think you know them already. There’s also...Kata(Iza’s mom) but she’s like no where to be found lol. Iza’s kittens(Axel, Akira, Leon) But I don’t think any of your muses would want to deal with his kits LOL. Then there’s Mira who’s Iza in a future life and Vui who’s Iza’s pet cat. Course there’s Iza’s two life masters but i don’t really know about them xD A ship/broship I’d like to propose to them: I think Haru and Iza are kind of already a broship that could turn into something shippy probably and I think with Zuo and Gou they kind of are bros. Tbh I think either of my boys could be good or okay friends with any of your muses? Even the request ones but i don’t even know LOL Ship wise, like I guess Makoto and Iza would be cute AF tbh A thread with them I’m excited about: Our IzaIza one as always LOL then, because I remember you wrote me a thing with Makoto I have to respond to that one because I honestly just forgot-- I think that one would be cute even if Iza is hurt in that one.  Anything else I want to say: I’m really like, thankful for you because without you I wouldn’t be here writing Iza and Zuo. You don’t even know how much it means to me that you helped encourage the creation of this horrible dumb cat. I might of dragged you back to tumblr, but like I genuinely you’re having fun. We might not write much together and I understand the whole thing with muses needing to recharge or get in the mood so I can wait forever and wait my turn because I’d always be happy after month to get something from you. It just means more to me that you’re having fun because you kind of deserve to have fun anyway.

[blouisparadise]

Upon request, here is a list of very smutty bottom Louis fics. For this list, we chose fics that are mainly more graphic smut (like PWP fics) or fics that have many graphic smut scenes. Happy reading!

1) Lips Are Like The Galaxy’s Edge | Explicit | 2360 words

Harry licks over Louis’ hole slowly, deliberately, and his tongue is like velvet and Louis’ skin is burning at every junction where Harry touches him and it’s all so good he thinks he might cry. He licks a few more times, moaning softly like he’s relishing the taste of Louis and that’s just, well, fuck.

2) Louder Louder | Explicit | 2931 words

There’s really only one way to get Louis out of a mood this terrible, and Harry is prepared to sacrifice his entire evening if necessary.

3) Handprints And Good Grips | Explicit | 3330 words

Harry wants to pull them down and suck him off. Harry wants to never take them off and eat him out over the lace. Harry wants to push them aside and fuck the imprint right into Louis’ body.

4) Painless With Immense Distance | Not Rated | 3793 words

“You know when we talked about kinks and stuff awhile back and you said you wanted to try something?” Harry continues with a devious grin. Louis’s a bit lost and he tries to think about exactly what Harry is thinking about which honestly could be a handful of things.

“Prostate massage?” Harry asks like it’s as common as the sky is blue.

5) A Touch Of Your Love | Explicit | 3856 words

Harry needs to work out. Louis wants him to pay attention to him. They find a compromise.

6) Lagrangian Point | Explicit | 4055 words

They find each other again the night of Valentine’s Day.

7) Feel The Need | Explicit  | 4898 words

Louis and Harry attend Liam’s Halloween party. Risky Business ensues.

8) Hook’s Intention | Explicit | 5156 words

Harry hadn’t realized what, exactly, being the Captain Hook to Louis’ Peter Pan would entail.

9) Power Inside | Explicit | 5861 words

Louis wrinkles his nose and pokes Harry again. “You want a baby,” he repeats.

Again, Harry frowns. “Uh, yeah, Lou, I want a baby. So do you.”

Where is this even going. Harry honestly has no clue.

Abruptly, Louis stops frowning and practically throws himself off of Harry, splaying himself out on his side of the bed, arms spread wide. “Okay. Let’s make a baby, then.”

Can eyebrows get permanently attached to a hairline? Harry has a feeling he’s going to find out. “You do realize - ” he starts.

“Yes, Harry, I realize,” Louis says, stroking his fingers over the inside of his own thigh, ruking his shorts up. “You gonna shut up about it and give me a baby or am I gonna have to go out and find someone else to fulfill my deepest desires?”

He’s a nutjob. He’s a complete nutjob. Harry’s in love with a complete nutjob.

10) Throw Me In The Deep End | Mature | 5914 words

The one where Harry is a very ferocious pirate captain and Louis is a mighty scoundrel in need of some good dicking.

11) Spark A New Flame | Explicit | 6100 words

Louis is nineteen, Harry is twenty-one, and it’s not all that hard to figure out what happens when they both go clubbing.

12) We’ll Stumble Through Heaven | Explicit | 6504 words

Louis likes to be a good boy for his alpha.

13) You Drive Me Wild (You Know You Do) | Explicit | 6632 words

Louis flirts with the Australian interviewers and Harry gets possessive.

14) Call Me Shallow But I’m Only Getting Deeper | Explicit | 7367 words

The one where Louis is a brat so Harry spanks him with a riding crop.

15) That Ugly Ass Yellow Shirt | Explicit | 7502 words | Sequel 1 | Sequel 2 | Sequel 3

“This,” says Louis, holding up a shirt from the box, “is the ugliest fucking shirt I’ve ever seen.”

16) Give It Up To Me | Explicit | 8134 words

"You're going to end up making me come with all the boys in our lounge," he finished, his tone softening the longer he spoke. "And?" Harry murmured, placing his palm over the crevice of Louis' arse, keeping the plug nice and tight inside of him. "What if I wanted you to?"

17) Love To Make Him Moan | Explicit | 8106 words

They fuck like they’re sex starved, when they’re really, really not.

18) Makes Perfect | Explicit | 8610 words

“What if you practiced on like, a mannequin?” Louis presses. “Or one of those blow up sex dolls? Or even just like, I don’t know, a pillow or something. Whatever it’d fit around.”

Harry tilts his head thoughtfully, curls catching the light so entrancingly that Louis finds himself reaching up to push his fingers through them. “It’s different, though, innit? When it’s a real person. A pillow won’t snog me.”

“Why should it?” says Louis. “You can’t even take its bra off.”

19) Let The Beating Waves Come Drag Me Down | Explicit | 9947 words

“Just try it, the worst thing that could ever happen it’s that you won’t like it” Niall had told him. And there he was, on the way to one of these pubs created for perverts, willing to break up the routine to try something new, something that terrified as much as excited him. One night to get swept up in passion, one night to let the devil get in. "Tonight, I’m going to make you scream of ecstasy Louis,” he said with a raspy voice full of control, making him tremble with anticipation.

20) Anything Goes | Explicit | 10275 words

Harry probably shouldn't be amused that Louis has a death grip on his hand and is dragging away from an event that, you know, they should be at. And he still probably shouldn't have that god awful smirk plastered to his face when Louis shoves him into the bathroom and steps in before locking the door.

21) Bite | Explicit | 10980 words

Louis is a vampire hunter, and Harry is too happy being his prey.

22) The Sweat On Your Skin | Explicit | 11014 words

Louis is certain there’s no better way to come down from a post-gym high than a naked romp in the bed with his favorite workout partner.

23) Gnossiene | Explicit | 11276 words

Louis sets a challenge for himself; it gets a bit out of hand.

24) Can’t Blame Gravity | Explicit | 11931 words

Note: Mentions of bottom Harry.

That time in 2015, when Harry went MIA around Louis’ birthday.

25) Let’s Take the World By Storm | Explicit | 14656 words

Harry lifts his head off Louis’ chest to look at Louis’ face. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“I don’t know, but our sex life feels a bit boring, ‘sall,” Louis says, completely avoiding eye contact.

“Boring.” Harry says flatly. He doesn’t say anything more, and Louis looks up to see that Harry seems to be mulling it over.

“Yeah, boring,“ Louis says, and keeps talking before Harry can pipe up. “I mean, think about it. We’ve been dating since X Factor, and now things are starting to drag a bit. We don’t even have the time for handjobs anymore, much less actual sex.”

26) The Seed Inside You, Baby, Do You Feel It Growin’ | Explicit | 14793 words

Louis really wants Harry to get him pregnant.

27) Fumbling in the Dark | Explicit | 21599 words

Louis is straight, Harry is not. They still shag a lot.

28) Another Day Gettin’ Into Trouble | Explicit | 25619 words

Harry’s drunk when the idea occurs to him. He’s also a pop star, so sometimes his drunk ideas turn into actual things instead of just ideas. The clone-a-willy kit is one of them.

In Harry’s defense, when he first thinks about it his intention is just to buy the kit and give it to Louis to make his own dildo with, because that’s what he wants anyway, right? To have a penis filling him up?

Then he realizes that it would be weird if Louis made a copy of his own dick to fuck himself with. It’d be super weird. Louis fucking himself? That’s a weird idea. Harry’s pretty sure Louis wouldn’t like that.

Clearly the only solution here is to use his own dick for the mold.

29) Nicotine | Explicit | 32345 words

“We’re two different types of people, Liam. He likes sex and drugs, I like theater and tea. Trust me, we’d never date.” Except they would, they do, and neither of them plans on letting go anytime soon.

30) Who Would’ve Thought | Explicit | 44275 words | Companion fic

The idea doesn’t come to Louis until they’ve been at the bungalow for a couple of days. Harry has no idea that he’s going to pop a knot. He’s been living his life with the expectation that he’s going to be a beta, and Louis isn’t going to tell him otherwise.

Louis is an omega, though, and most omegas want to be filled up with a knot, fucked the way their bodies are made to be fucked, and Louis is no different. In ten years he wants to have an alpha waiting for him at home who will hold him down and fuck him exactly the way Louis wants to be fucked without worrying that they’re going to expect him to stay at home, open a joint bank account, raise a litter of babies, cook and clean and, most importantly, be submissive. For that to happen Louis needs an entirely different kind of alpha.

And so the plan is born.

31) Pinkies Never Lie | Explicit | 83616 words

AU in which Louis hates his job and loves Harry, Harry just wants a distraction, everyone else wants them to get their shit together, and Louis learns the hard way that new beginnings are only possible when something ends.

32) Swim In The Smoke | Explicit | 101778 words

“What about this, Captain?” Liam asks, nudging the boy kneeling between their feet with the toe of his boot. The boy hisses and swipes at him, slurring out something unintelligible around the makeshift gag Niall had to stuff in his mouth. He misses by a mile and tries again, just as ineffectively.

Harry looks down at him, at the way the sun streams over his face and shoulders, at the way the gag stretches his mouth, lips pink and chapped. He’s lithe and pretty, smudged all over with dirt. They had found him tied up below deck, mostly unconscious, next to a barrel full of gold. He’s clearly a prisoner, but there’s something familiar about him, something that niggles at Harry’s brain. Something he can’t quite put his finger on.

“Put him in my cabin,” Harry decides, turning back to deal with the rest of the loot. The boys screams out jumbled curse words at Harry’s back, muffled by the gag, and Harry can’t understand any of it.

Check out our other fic rec lists by category here and by title here.

[seenashwrite]

Dearest Nash, I've touched on this before in (I believe) in a discussion re: why some mainstream fics get oodles of notes while more original ones do not, *but* I wanted to get a bit more specific here. There are certain writers here whose writing has a definite vibe to it (if you will) that separates their work from others, and your name is one of the first that comes to mind. Bear with me, because trying to detail what makes your writing stand out is difficult while trying to articulate a Q

^ this is a gif with parts 2 - 4, just FYI

Hmmm… this is a bit of a brain buster. But I can answer it, and I think succinctly, maybe with a touch of that Spidey sense you mention:

Thank you for your inquiry, hope that helps! 

I kid. But this is a brain-turner. And a characteristic which, like you say, ain’t limited to me. I’d honestly throw comedians under this umbrella, too, not because I’m necessarily gunning for a laugh every time, but because it’s pretty much their job to take a “basic” (a tenet or fact of life or present reality or whatever) and present the observation with a twist. I think of storyteller comedians specifically, your Patton Oswalt-s, Maria Bamford-s, Kathy Griffin-s, and John Mulaney-s.

So if I can sum up, assuming I’m tracking with you, what you’re more or less driving at with the “how” is this –> Is there anything beyond simply personality, or an auto-pilot thought cascade (for lack of better terminology) that contributes? Are there things someone could do/be proactive about, to perhaps cause this same sort of reaction to happen in their brain?

I think there just might be.

Folks reading this, let me ask you a question, and you cannot look it up:

What was the name of the Sherpa guide who led Sir Edmund Hillary up Mount Everest?

.

.

.

His name was Tenzing Norgay.

Nash, what in the name of the frozen corpse of George Mallory does this have to do with Lion’s question?

I shall tell you.

My father told me that fact when I was quite young, so young I legit couldn’t even ballpark my age for you. The context was that having little facts tucked away in your brain may come in handy. Not in a Jeopardy kind of way, more in a conversational way. I’ve no idea why the man thought the Sherpa guide who led Hillary up Mt. Everest would ever come up during a conversation with enough regularity to justify my knowing that fact (aside from him randomly quizzing me throughout my life) but hey, I guess it just did.

But speaking of Lil’ Nash, the situation for her was that she was the eldest of all the Nash litter by miles… like seven or eight years, I’m not bothering to check. So I had a lot of alone time, and my grandmother was my chief babysitter, so prior to kindergarten and then til I was in about second grade (so: all day long during the week, then every weekday after she picked me up from school), I was pretty much always at her house. Yeah, there were toys, but not a lot to do. And I’d read. I’d been reading on my own for a decent while, not because I was some prodigy but because my dad read to me *constantly* when Lil’ Nash was Itty-Bitty Nash, and it “took”. My mom also, every time she went to the grocery store always - and I mean always - brought back a book for me. It might’ve been an Archie comic—-

Mandatory #fuck the CW’s Riverdale tag

—-or a Babysitter’s Club, or Sweet Valley High, Judy Blume, Madeleine L’Engle, Zilpha Keatley Snyder, you get my point. Some small paperback. It would piss Dad off because he’s a cheap bastard and two buck books once or twice a month were really gonna cut into the savings [eyeroll] but also, in a way, because I’d kill it in a half day/a day. Wouldn’t put it down. After awhile, I started writing my own silly little kid stories, then - and this is where the creative writing love came about -  I started writing soap operas for my Barbies. (When I was older - like, 5th grade? 6th grade, maybe? - none of my peers were still playing with Barbies, and I got made fun of when, at a sleepover, they saw my stash. And I was like - No, no, no. Those aren’t for playing. That’s my cast.)

Time went on, and when I was bored at post-church lunch/dinners, I would also read the old encyclopedias at my grandmother’s, the ones from the late ‘60s/early ‘70s that she had for my mom and my aunt. As I got even older and became fascinated with rooting through the boxes in gran’s basement, looking at all the cool old clothes, I stumbled upon my aunt’s collection of Whoa-Hooooo Shit There’s No Way My Grandparents Knew You Read These books. Those kinda Harlequin-esque ones, except my aunt’s tastes run close to mine, none were the same shtick with different covers, shmultzy-sappy romance, there was always some sort of intrigue along with the sexy times, and she also had, like, every legit V. C. Andrews (meaning: not the ones from the ghostwriter, this was way before her death) book.

What is my point? I read a LOT. Now-a-days, other than fanfic (which… straight up: I don’t read a lot of that, either. I peace out on probs 80% of it before the third-to-fifth paragraph. It’s gotta sell me fast, yo) I haven’t read fiction in probably, oh…. 12 years? I think the last ones were the first couple Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood. Wait, no! I lie! I read the 50 Shades books when I was traveling 2x/wk for a job about 4 years ago, and I needed the laughs. It worked. Oh my days, that woman can’t write. The screenplay might’ve been worse, it goes her, then Buckleming, then everyone else. It’s bad. In any event, past decade or so, it’s more historical stuff and true crime and science stuff and all that old fart jazz.

Okay, so that’s #1: Read. And not just anything, be well-read, and that doesn’t mean developing some level of expertise, by “well” I’m saying to cover the spread. You’re building your tool kit, is all. You won’t use most of it, but it’s nice to have options. You also don’t always have to get this stuff from reading now-a-days, because podcasts. Cover the spread there, too. Lemme look at my bookmarks…. 

[Spongebob narrator voice: A few moments later]

I’m back. Science - Skeptic’s Guide to the Universe; General current stuff without being news - CGP Grey’s Hello Internet; current events with shittons of pop culture, past and present - Greg Proops’ Smartest Man in the World; fun history stuff - The Dollop; entertainment stuff - How Did This Get Made.

#2: Keep a notebook with you and jot down turns-of-phrase that spark something in your brain - things you read on websites, on twitter, in articles, things you hear people say (real life, TV, movies, podcasts), and write it. Don’t snap a pic with your phone or make a note in your phone. There are studies behind this, I’m not hunting them down, you’ll just have to trust me, but there are, and it goes to being reflexive, a brain “muscle memory” thing, if you will. You’re not doing it to plagiarize, you’re doing it to dissect it, kind’ve like you did with the example you gave on me —> went from punch action to punch spiked with booze to a punch with a spiked gauntlet.

Which leads to #3: Mental dictionary. I have a large vocab repository, and it stems from the tons of reading - I stop and look up stuff if I either don’t know it, or it’s used in such a way that I think they’ve got it wrong and want to double-check that maybe there’s another usage I don’t know - and also stems from a drive to combat the (still fairly thick) deep South drawl I can’t kick, and not for lack of trying. But see, I couldn’t have whipped out that progression if I weren’t aware that one definition of “spike” is “to add alcohol to”, or of the common shtick in stories of spiked punch like at high school proms typically, or knew about the existence of spiked gauntlets / old school armor. 

And I guarantee you that a good chunk of people didn’t really “get it”, and just thought “Nash Be Nashin’, that nutty gal”. So they “get it” on that level, but don’t Get. It., if you see what I’m saying. And that’s fine. Maybe it got something cranking in the back of their mind and it’ll hit ‘em in the middle of the night, or they’ll be watching Game of Thrones or something, see a gauntlet and be like “Oh goddamnit, I just got a throw-a-way one-liner from three years ago” and have a chuckle.

Related, re: looking stuff up and things that people “get”? I didn’t know fuck-all about Twilight, but it seemed of import to the folks around 5 years younger than me, the Nashlings wouldn’t shut up about it, so I got a good working knowledge of it. Same with Harry Potter, and through it I got to “know” J.K. Rowling, who I find to be an exceptional writer, so that was great, and I’ve watched the movies for the most part over the years at Christmastime, and I don’t give the first shit about what “house” I’m in, nor do I care about what Patronus I’d fart, but I have a working knowledge of what those are, and horcruxes and who Snape and Voldie are, you get my point. I can keep up. But to do it, I had to take the time to look it up. One thing I would not trade for gold is Michael Sheen chewing the goddamn scenery in that battle segment from the last Twilight movie. Have I watched the movie? No. But that scene is the shit. And that baby CGI is horrific on several subtle levels. And not-so-subtle. I’ve digressed.

Back to those notes: So if you’ve got these notes jotted, you might see something else and think “I feel like that could’ve been snappier…. why do I think that….” And you’ve got a resource at your disposal, that little notebook. Hell, jot that thing down - things you think could be done better. I have in many documents a highlight around chunks of scenes for my big dog story where it says in bold above or below “DO BETTER”. Meaning: there’s a better way to get from A to B, but I’m just not quite there yet. I’m pretty quick on the uptake and can crank out something snappy on the fly (like say, in CASPN chat or when banging out a short reply or thank you note) but there’s definitely times I gotta slap a DO BETTER on it and walk away til that snappy something-or-other light bulb goes off. 

Here’s a recent one where I backtracked, matter of fact - that noir spoof thing I wrote? Along with my co-writer, Moscato? There was a line that I couldn’t hit with a good zinger, so I just said moments were going by like a fat hamster on a wheel, which is cute, but not really grooving with the setting/the vibe. Less tipsy, when I was correcting some inelegant formatting and a misspelling [sigh], I went “Oh! Why didn’t this occur to me last night? Right. Wine.” So the line is now about moments dragging like a rolling donut with a copper on its tail. Get it? The cop’s a fat ass. The donut-cop stereotype.

…….Fine, it ain’t my best, but it fits better. Moving on.

And this leads nicely into #4, and a specific tip I can impart - assuming you’ve got a passable-to-high level of vocabulary in your tool belt, practice messing around with making nouns into verbs, and twisting random stuff into descriptors and using bizarre words/things in metaphors/analogies. Like, I say “adulting” quite a bit. Ali - @littlegreenplasticsoldier - I thiiiink was writing recently about Sam being drunk, and he’s a tall wobbly Jenga tower on his last Jenga. Going back to the noir, pulpy detective style, try messing with the whole “S/he was like a ___ that ____”. Add on to stuff that’s well known - He was like a dog with a bone, if the bone was a ____ and he was a ____ and we were in a ____. (I have *nothing* in mind to fill those blanks, by the way, feel free to twist it into sumpin’)

What else…. okay, here’s a #5: In drafts, let yourself wander, and see what kicks out. It can be fueled by silliness or anger, but I don’t reckon you’re gonna get the “snappy” you’re aiming for if you’re down in the dumps and going full-court-press angst. The best stuff, IMO, comes from the space in between goofy and pissed, and that is The Land Of Snark. You can always re-style it to bend more dry or wistful should you need to, certainly, depending on the situation.

Have a sample of a primo Nash Digression that was fueled by ire in a recap from Season 12 (episode 19). I had said - RE: the random inclusion of the character Joshua, which still pisses me off because they burned a character that held massive potential for future stuff as he’d been shown to be the only angel with direct access to Chuck, so, y’know, that could never come in handy, like ever again in the series, right? - the following.

Mandatory pre-emptive #fuck Dabb

[Spongebob narrator voice] A few moments later —> 

On god, I have no idea where that came from, and here’s where we go back to ol’ Spidey up there, because end of the day?

All that other stuff’s the foundation, sure, but there’s always gonna be the weird iggy, the thing that can’t be learned or taught, whatever the quirky synapse is that fires off in my/our brains. In my experience, it’s an ADD-ish sort of jam mixed with the Nostradamus effect. Meaning, (A) we’re at Level 10, rapid fire thought processing >50% of the time, and (B) throw out enough stuff for long enough, some of it’s going to stick. And I whiff it plenty. Multiple times in CASPN chat I’ve been like “Whoo, tough room” when something falls flat.

A specific example: @mrswhozeewhatsis - and I think you saw this, but anyone else seeing this may not have - gave probably the most fantastic analogy I’ve seen regarding the whole “getting it” thing, and while it was on the topic of meaty plots that get too far into the weeds (my specialty) and how it can lessen appeal to a broader audience, it still applies here. 

She said “Sometimes, when I’m reading something of yours, I feel like there’s a joke I’m missing. It’s like watching Spaceballs without having seen Star Wars.” I say that to say - nobody’s gonna land references that cover the spread 100% of the time. And, y’know, fine. I figure maybe it’ll prompt someone to do a quick google for - well, let’s use Spaceballs. Most folks will no doubt get the Star Wars part, but maybe not Spaceballs. Maybe they’ll check it out, find something they enjoy. Or learn a new word. Or get a brainstorm for a story. Who knows?

Last tip: Don’t actively mimic anyone’s style. Much fail. And I don’t only mean because if they’re on a social Venn diagram with you, would likely recognize themselves in your stuff——

Takes a moment to wave to the peeps still trying with me! #bless your hearts

—–but because it’s fucking hard. I did it broadly on the noir thing, that’s not a hard thing, to homage generalities, but the way I’m messing with doing this on that silly Princess Bride series? Purposefully styling it like Goldman? It’s good  challenging and all, and it is making it feel more in the groove with the book/movie, but I have to be in the right frame of mind or it’s like fingernails on a chalkboard, and when I have pushed it, then gone back, it’s sloggy, soggy garbage.

I say all that to say: it’s an amalgam of brain-wiring/personality, and world/life perspective(s), and knowledge acquired over time. The first just is; the second will evolve in myriad ways, maybe for the better, maybe for the worse; the last is the one where you/we have control, we can fill bucket after bucket of information, and the well won’t ever run dry.

Sorry this took so long. I kept adding and subtracting. This is the edited version, if you can believe it. Welcome to Nash Brain. 😉

[fuckyourlist-blog]

15 Irrational Fears ‘All’ Guys Have In Relationships (According To These Three Guys Who Fucked A Microwaved Banana Peel)

Relationships, ah that old song and dance we’re all forced to endure if we ever hope to sneeze our dick gravy into a welcoming hole and birth a small version of ourselves. Why are they so hard though? Why are they so hard in particular for men? As women, we grow up completely entitled to our Disney prince, one who lets us eat from their plate of fries, one who will buy us tampons AND insert them, one who will hold our hair back while we’re throwing up on the penis of the man who is cucking him. 

So why are relationships LITERALLY the n word of social interaction? “How do talk to laaaady” grunts the primitive man as he drags his knuckles off the floor just long enough to yell at the burning sky egg in exasperation.

Well, we decided to ask three guys whose first and last sexual encounter was fucking a microwaved banana peel for the top 15 reasons why they’re too scared to slam down on some gash, rather than a warm hollowed out fruit.

1. She Will Use His Vulnerability Against Him

The problem is, men are like video game bosses. They have glowing spots on them you’re meant to drive a knife into for them to lose hit points. Shit, it’s NO WONDER they are terrified of showing this to women, they probably didn’t get to pick up the first aid kit in the barrel on the first level, and will be absolutely FUCKED into a black hole of weeping and silence if you expertly aim the knife of “I don’t know what I want for dinner but let’s avoid KFC because you’re getting a bit thicc” at him. Poor fella.

2. She Will Change After Marriage

It’s completely ok if he changes into a complacent sentient garbage bag after you marry, but don’t you DARE think of unzipping your back skin and crawling out to reveal the shrieking ballbusting demon you really are. I swear to god if you don’t remain as the fun loving party girl he fell in love with at 19 (before you realised he was obsessed with Magic:The Gathering) then I will turn this damn car around.

3. She'll Ask Him What He's Thinking...

Bitch are you cray cray?! who said communicating was a part of this?! Don’t worry your pretty little head though, just put your mouth back where it belongs (back on his dick).

4. She Will Turn Out To Have Ulterior Motives

Such as falling in love with him when he wanted to spend his life exclaiming how much of a shitbag undeserving of love he is. You’re going off script! You might push him into having a feeling! Once again, this is on YOU. You’re the only one who could do wrong here or have something up your sleeve. Not him. Because banana peels don’t chew him out for leaving stained underwear on the couch.

5. She Will Blackmail Him Into Doing What She Wants By Threatening Divorce

Because 4 points in and 10 minutes into your first date you’re wet enough to host an Olympic swimming team, and he’s skipped past marriage and right to how you’ll fuck him over in divorce. You wonder how long he spent thinking of the good times before jumping this far ahead, it was zero long, his brain just went right here. Ask him what he’s thinking right now and he’ll respond “If I saw our children in half do we have to do a custody battle?” and a laugh track will play because this is actually some dumb shit.

6. She Will Not Come Back Home One Day

When you come home from work it’s cute when a pet comes running up to you because they’ve missed you and are glad you’re home. To be fair, their concept of a ‘year’ is different to ours, and yet they still keep their proverbial shit together. Men like this though? They’ll make themselves unemployed so they can sit in a darkened room peeking from behind a curtain down the driveway. Every minute it inches closer to your usual home time his heart races faster. He pees a little, tears swell in his eyes, and at 5.29pm he slowly begins to close the scissor blades on your sexiest pair of underwear. How dare you do this to him. 

7. He Will Find Out That She Was Comparing Him To Her Last Boyfriend

Who gives a shit. I compare cups of coffee from different cafes and I assure you coffee has provided me with more comfort and warmth than a great number of my relationships. It’s not that I’m comparing you to ex boyfriends, I’m comparing you to a $4 cup of coffee that I still think about, unlike you.

8. He Will Wake Up And Realize He Doesn't Like Her Anymore

Notice once again how this one is about how she has undesirable qualities. Women never wake up and decide men are terrible. Never. Because they’re the best and if it weren’t for the scientific law of queues we’d be fighting each other to slurp down your balls daily. I mean, aside from that nobody has any agency to just walk away, it’s impossible. We’re referred to as the ‘ole ball and chain’ because we literally are weighing them down to the floor, and they skipped leg day.

9. He Will Be Financially Ruined By Divorce

From Scrooge McDuck to Scrooge McCuck

10. She Will Leave Him For Someone Richer

...From Scrooge McCuck to Scrooge McDuck

Ah, it’s the circle of life. Just like Simba said but not in the bit where his dad dies. We all know Mufasa killed himself cos bitches ain’t shit anyway.

11. They Will Have A Child Who Needs Extra Special Care

If this list has demonstrated one thing it’s that men hate competition.

12. He Will Go From Happily Single To Unhappily Committed

As we all know, happily single men definitely frequent toxic subreddits revolving around how to interact with women. Happily single men totally post online feverishly wanting to know whether a woman being nice to them wants to skin them and live in their flesh in a sexy way. Happily single men send dick photos to strangers for validation. Happily single men were not the people being asked this. They will be unhappy no matter what because at no point have they understood that happiness in a relationship (or outside of a relationship) is LARGELY about them and their own demonstrable value. A woman or man cannot turn your world into a happy fun filled existence unless you put in the work on YOURSELF. 

People like this see commitment as a swear word because they want to keep being able to fuck their way through people who will not add anything of worth to their lives, to self destruct and self abuse without punishment.

13. She Will End Up Pregnant Unexpectedly

Well it’ll be unexpected for one of you. While you were studying the blade, we were doing a handstand in the bathtub pouring a used condom into us.

Birth control definitely isn’t a choice that involves two parties. It’s entirely on the woman to ensure her vagina infested with evil doesn’t clamp down on your dick during those final moments of intercourse and force your balls empty into her uterus. Did you know when this happens we also steal one of your superpowers?

14. She Will Turn Out To Be A Worn Out Shell

This is blatant miseducation. When this happens, guys, you just need to go find us in our jelly form hanging out on the couch waiting for our new shell to harden. Don’t worry! We’re certainly not worn down to an internally crying husk because you’re a dreadful example of humanity, we’re just molting. 

15.They Will Be The Family The Neighbors Gossip About

“Hey honey check it out, that rich brooding manchild is banging his withered old bitch out in the poolhouse again, while leaving their handicapped son to play with a sanding belt unattended.”

“Oh weird, I thought they were getting a divorce?”

[holidaysat221b]

List of Sherlolly Prompts as of 8/30/2017 - There’s a new one!

Here is a link to the very informal Sherlolly Prompt Fest FAQ

Below is the list of prompts submitted to @holidaysat221b.  Where possible, we have tagged the submitter so that credit can be given if a prompt inspires someone to write a fic or create a piece of art.

Some submissions were specifically labeled as Art prompts, and they have been separated into their own category.  However, if you are a fic writer and one of the art prompts calls to you, go for it.  Likewise, if one of the other prompts makes you want to draw, have fun with it!   Prompts that have been filled at least once will be followed with an *, in case that influences your decision to work with one.

We only ask three things:

1)  If you use one of the prompts on this list, please remember to credit the prompt and prompter somewhere in your fic summary/art description or in your notes.  It’s the polite thing to do.

2)  Please submit an ask or message @holidaysat221b with a link to your work, the prompt you used, the prompter, and how you want to be identified (in cases where your Tumblr and fic/artist name are different).  This will allow us to share your work with our followers and tag the prompter (if possible).

3)  We have set up a Sherlolly Prompt Fest Collection on Ao3.  If you are planning to post your fic or art on Ao3 and would like to add it to the collection, please do.  As of this moment, the collection is open and unmoderated.  Please remember to credit the prompt and prompter in your fic/art notes.

On to the Prompts as of August 30, 2017

Art

Art prompt:  (I’ve wanted this like burning for five years, I’ll never give up asking)  Sherlock and Molly, the cake scene from Sixteen Candles".  Only in the morgue and Molly’s wearing the lab coat.  -   @sunken-standard *

Art prompt:  Potter!lock.  Don’t care if it’s student Sherlock and Molly in their house robes, teachers, wizarding professionals, a recreation of the Order of the Phoenix group photo with Sherlock characters instead.  Whatever.  Just as long as it’s Potter!lock.  -   @darnedchild

Art prompt:  Molly and Sherlock’s first real date gets interrupted by a case.  Are they dressed up for a fancy evening, or wearing something more suited to fish and chips and a walk around the park?  -   Anonymous

Crossovers/Works set in or inspired by another specific fictional universe (ie Potter!lock)

I’d really like to see a Daemon (from the His Dark Materials books by Philip Pullman) version of Series 3/TAB/Series 4 (any or all of those), especially when it comes to the ILY scene.  -  Kay

iZombie!Sherlock – Think of this, if Sherlock gets infected we have: 1) Sherlock with white hair 2) Sherlock getting brains from Molly “for experiments” 3) Sherlock getting different attitudes (hippie brain = hippie!Sherlock) 4) Paler than normal pale Sherlock 5) Sherlock with red bloodshot eyes.  Also:  If Molly Hooper gets infected, it’s like she’s the Liv Moore of Barts.  Lestrade as Clive (and relieved to be not only depending on Sherlock to solve crimes).  Sherlock deduces Molly’s hair color and tan (because Molly can’t show up to work with white hair, even whiter skin color, and very slow pulse rate).  Major asshole Boss being the one shipping tainted Utopium to Britain.  -  The Silent Fangirl

Superwholock!Sherlolly  -  The Silent Fangirl

Doctor Who!Sherlock - Molly Hooper as a companion  -  The Silent Fangirl

Me Before You!Sherlock  -  The Silent Fangirl

Molly Hooper as “Mary Reilly”.  -  @darnedchild

Dracula!lock, but maybe mix it up just a little.  Sherlock as the object of Dracula’s affections (Mina) and/or Molly as the vampire expert (Van Helsing)?  -  @darnedchild

Sherlock and Lady Molly of Scotland Yard.  Molly Hooper as Lady Molly from “Lady Molly of Scotland Yard” with her crime solving partner Mary (Morstan).  (Note from Mod -  “Lady Molly of Scotland Yard” used to be available via BBC Radio 4 Extra on demand, you may still be able to find it online somewhere.)  -  @lullikiish

A Hades and Persephone AU with Molly as female Hades (the unrequited love at first, the proximity with death) and Sherlock as a male Persephone (the curiosity, the lack of eating).  Irene would be a great Poseidon (the chaos provided by the ocean, the sailor knots).  As for John, he would be a great Hermes!  -  Kay

Gimme “The Full Monty”, baby. Surely someone can find a reason to have Sherlock, John, and Greg get their kits off? Or Molly, Mary, and Sally? Mrs H could give professional pointers and tips to whomever you’re planning to get starkers.  -  Anonymous

A Sherlolly version of “It’s A Wonderful Life”. Sherlock gets to see what his loved ones’ lives would be like if he never existed, realizing the positive impact he had on them when he was alive.  -   @simplyshelbs16xoxo

Something similar to “The Ransom of Red Chief”, only in this version the kidnappers have figured out that Molly Hooper is a pressure point for Sherlock Holmes. They take her captive, intending to blackmail Sherlock or hold Molly for ransom; but Molly Hooper is having none of that nonsense. While Sherlock works to save her, Molly finds ways to torment, injure, and outwit her captors. Whether she escapes on her own, finds a way to let Sherlock and John know where she’s at, or ends up driving her kidnappers crazy to the point that they give up and send her back is up to the author. Could go humorous or dark very easily.  -   Anonymous

Clique/Sherlock Crossover - After the events of TFP, Molly Hooper (who is actually Jude McDermid) decides to go back to Edinburgh, broken-hearted & bound to continue the “family business” after years of running away from it. Gone is her long hair & colorful jumpers: she completely changed her look & have every information about Molly Hooper destroyed. Years passed, she forms the Solasta Women’s Initiative, much to her brother’s delight, until a horrific event brings Sherlock Holmes back into her world again. It’s more of a Sherlolly/Judelock mash-up where Sherlock wants to know why she left, who she really is, & how he’s still madly in love with her. Molly/Jude is more like she’s finally embracing the life she thought she never wanted, until she realizes that she can never forget the love she has for Sherlock. Can she be Jude & love him as well? Can Sherlock accept her true reality, or does he only love her as Molly & not Jude. Throw in a nice mystery/thriller plot too! Oh yeah Mycroft, who knew Molly is Jude from the beginning but decided to let Sherlock figure it out on his own, is determined to stop this union at all cost. Pls include all the girls & guys in Clique, especially Holly since she’s a badass off to take down Jude and her “girls” no matter what! It’s a crazy plot but if you’ve seen the 1st 2 episodes of Clique, it screams for a Sherlolly crossover fic! Thanks for reading this uber-long fic prompt!  -  @violetjersey

A reversed Potter!lolly with Sherlock being the Muggle-born, while Molly’s the pureblood witch (the likes of Luna Lovegood). Sherlolly, of course.  -  @mychakk

Agatha Christie’s “And Then There Were None” – because I always think of the movies when I see Mizjoely’s U.N. Owen tag.  -  @darnedchild

We know Molly can keep other people's secrets. Maybe Molly has a few secrets of her own, i.e. her very secret collection of FWBs. Because honestly, you think she would just sit alone in her home every night, year after year, quietly pining for a romantic relationship with Sherlock? And what a surprise when Sherlock and their friends find out...maybe at Sherlock and Molly's wedding? Crossover possibilities depend on FWBs selected...Q (James Bond), Loki (Avengers), Doctor Strange, etc.  - @rubyred7531

Song fic/Inspired by lyrics

Song Fic:  Adele’s “Water Under the Bridge”  -  @darnedchild  *

Song Fic:  … I would love something based on “Samson” by Regina Spektor please.  -  @chelle812

Song Fic:  Katy Perry’s “Unconditionally”  -  @darnedchild

Song Fic:  Texas’ “I’ll See It Through”  -  @darnedchild

Song Fic:  … I’ve got a quote from a song.  “You only know you love her when you let her go.”  (Note from Mod - The song appears to be Passenger’s “Let Her Go”)  -  @flowerstar5  *

NEW - Song Fic: Angst.  Based on the ABBA song “Knowing Me, Knowing You”.  Sherlock and Molly have tried to have a serious relationship, but it just didn’t work out.  -  @shadowyqueenbeard

OT3/Sherlock, Molly, and ?

A case involving wine and stolen spatulas leads to Mycroft Holmes being attracted to Molly Hooper.  Too bad Molly’s had enough of the Holmeses, and Sherlock mooning over her really isn’t helping.  (Molly Hooper/Mycroft Holmes/Sherlock Holmes)  -  The Silent Fangirl

Molly wants to meet The Woman.  Irene and Sherlock are still friends, and Molly is curious.  Much to everyone’s surprise, Molly and Irene hit it off fairly quickly.  (Sherlock Holmes/Molly Hooper/Irene Adler)  -  Anonymous

When Sherlock is injured and stuck in a cast up to his thigh, Mary and Molly find out JUST how grumpy he can get.  They end up putting him by a window with binoculars, his pain medication, snacks, juice and his mobile.  What happens next?  (Molly Hooper/Sherlock Holmes/Mary (Morstan)Watson)  -  @penaltywaltz

Everything Else

Sherlock is undercover.  He’s renting a small place and he’s trying to fit in with the extremely old fashioned community that is probably hiding a deadly smuggling ring or something equally bad.  He ends up calling on Molly to come help.  Since he’s already established as an unmarried man, his ‘sister’ (or other family member) arrives for a visit.  Cue living in the same house while hot for each other type shenanigans while pretending to be siblings under the watchful eye of some suspicious townspeople.  -  Anonymous

Molly’s school reunion – Sherlock assumes he’ll be needed to help Molly show everyone up.  The catch:  Molly’s been a beloved peer, so it’s him who gets the obligatory “you hurt her, we’ll end you". :)  -   @mychakk

Sherlock sees a woman on the street.  Instantly intrigued (you can choose as to why) he follows her.  -  @mel-loves-all

Molly loves wearing Sherlock’s house robes.  -  @mel-loves-all

Molly has a piece of body piercing jewelry or a tattoo located somewhere that surprises and titillates Sherlock.  -  @mel-loves-all  *

Whenever Molly is close, Sherlock unconsciously always seems to need to touch her in some way after they start dating.  He doesn’t notice it, but Molly does.  -  @mel-loves-all

A midnight dance.  -  @mel-loves-all

John tries to set up Sherlock with a girl.  Unsurprisingly, there are a lot of contenders.  And what does Molly have to say about that? -  The Silent Fangirl

Through unexpected circumstances, Sherlock and Molly get engaged.  It doesn’t end well.  Crack!fic  -  The Silent Fangirl

Eurus Holmes ships the Sherlolly.  So does John and Mycroft.  Soon, everyone gets dragged into the Sherlolly craze.  Crack!fic  -  The Silent Fangirl

Molly lives in the flat across from 221B.  You know, the one that exploded?  Yeah.  But before that, there was a) looking at the hot naked guy in the window b) said hot naked guy crashing into her flat because he just wants to c) her traitorous cat crossing the street to hot naked guy’s flat.  -  The Silent Fangirl

Sherlock:  A TV series featuring a hot guy with awesome deductive skills, his best friend the doctor, the exasperated detective inspector, the sweet landlady, and the pathologist.  And no, the pathologist isn’t in love with the hot guy.  -  The Silent Fangirl

Molly stops being Sherlock’s pathologist, and starts being THE Pathologist.  BAMF!Molly  -  The Silent Fangirl

This, Sherlock thinks through the haze of cocaine, truly is the worst form of torture.  Mycroft and Molly’s wedding through Sherlock’s drug-addled POV.  -  The Silent Fangirl

Molly commits suicide, but only Sherlock thinks she didn’t.  He may not be wrong.  -  The Silent Fangirl

When John Watson dies, Rosie is given into the care of her godparents.  Problem is, they aren���t exactly on speaking terms.  Bonus for Harry Watson appearance!  -  The Silent Fangirl

Molly nearly gets hit by a speeding car … until Sherlock pushes her out of the way and gets hit himself.  H/C  -  The Silent Fangirl

Molly in labor.  After watching Mary in labor in TST, I kinda wanna see a funny take on Molly giving birth to her and Sherlock’s child.   Maybe something like Molly being in pain, she wishes out loud she’d never had sex with Sherlock, while Sherlock logically points out how well they emotionally and biologically fit together.  -  Anonymous

Fluff.  Molly has been hospitalized for whatever reason.  She decides that she is feeling better and just wants to go home.  However, the hospital does not want to release her yet.  So Molly decides to leave AMA (against medical advice).  She feels she can recover at home just as well and also she is eager to get back to work.  Besides, who is going to know?  This is something someone might expect from Sherlock, but not Molly.  How long before he finds out?  What is his reaction?  - @shadowyqueenbeard

Angst.  Molly discovers she is pregnant and is not happy about it.   Although she would love to have a baby at some point, right now is not the time.  She and Sherlock do not have a commitment and her career is going well.  She plans to terminate the pregnancy.  Sherlock finds out and tries to stop her.  He please with her to change her mind, marry him and be a family.  Is this just a control tactic or does he really love her?  -  @shadowyqueenbeard  *

Molly discovers there is Sherlock Holmes RPF (Real Person Fiction) on the internet.  She’s shocked to find that someone called Sherlolly4vr74 has been writing fic about her and Sherlock, and they seem to have a dedicated fan base.  Some of the stories are very sweet and romantic, some of them are hot enough to give her NSFW ideas.  Who is Sherlolly4vr74 (Is it Anderson?  Mrs Hudson?  Mary?  John?  I bet it’s John.) and is Sherlock aware of the stories?  -  @darnedchild

Eurus has been known to put on a persona and disguise to get close to people for information – she was Faith for Sherlock, E and the psychiatrist for John.  What if she had also spent some time around Molly prior to the events at Sherrinford?  What information would she have gleaned about her brother and his pathologist?  -  @darnedchild

Can they be R rated. Because I feel Sherlock would not muck about, with telling Molly what he would like to do to her, he would not use cute little names for all her female parts and would go into great detail, like all his cases. She would be his very serious case. Yes he would most defiantly do a lot of research on pleasing her. Write it however you are most comfortable with.  -  @oliverfel4

Sherlock and Molly are getting married!  It’s time to work on the guest list for the wedding, and suddenly they are faced with the question—Do they let Euros come, or not?  -  @celticmoonbeam

Shipwrecked Sherlolly—Sherlock saves Molly from drowning.  -  Anonymous

Euros leads Sherlock to believe that he failed, and Molly was killed after the ILY scene.  Much angst ensues as he blames himself for her loss … but then we get to see the happy reunion scene when he learns she’s alive.  -  Anonymous

Moriarty trying to up Sherlock by sleeping with Molly, but the joke is on him, as Sherlock and Molly knew each other from secondary school/uni and were each other’s firsts.  They can be regular (exclusive) lovers too.  -  @mychakk

Mary as matchmaker.  At John and Mary’s wedding, Mary feels a little sad when they leave him alone to go dance (“What about you?”).  She decides to make it her mission to help Sherlock find a girl so he’s not alone anymore.  And this former agent has no trouble figuring out the potential between Sherlock and a certain Molly Hooper … (Up to you whether or not you want to throw in a Janine segue before she decides to set him up with Molly.  And feel free to cover Sherlock being shot!) -  @celticmoonbeam

Molly discovers she’s pregnant with Sherlock’s child at the worst possible time:  while she’s with his parents, being hidden away, and the two are pretending to be just friends.  Bonus if they figure it out before they’re told!  -  @penaltywaltz

After the events of TFP, Molly and Sherlock get closer.  Suddenly, though, he pulls away and starts flirting with a coworker of hers, sometimes blatantly in front of her.  It isn’t until an event at Barts that the truth comes out that it was all for a case.  -  @penaltywaltz

Molly finds out that as a child Sherlock liked the book “The Westing Game” and for one of his birthdays she arranges a vacation mimicking the plot of the book, even if none of them really fit the particular characters.  -  @penaltywaltz

Sherlock wants to make a gourmet meal for Molly for a special occasion, but he doesn’t seem to get it quite right.  Fortunately, a friend/relative is willing to help.  -  @penaltywaltz

Sherlock moves in with Molly and begins perusing her book collection, picking up random books that have interesting looking covers, and the next thing Molly knows he’s turned into a fantasy buff. -  @penaltywaltz  *

Non-established Sherlolly.  Sherlock gets a hold of Molly’s phone one afternoon and can’t resist snooping.  He’s surprised to see a folder in her photo gallery marked “Special” and it’s all photos of him.  -   @penaltywaltz

Have you had sex? – After Euros asked that I somehow thought “Molly??” (as Sherlock says, Irene only texts him, he doesn’t reply).   Later it seems that Euros is the only one who ever has noticed that Molly causes some emotions in him.  So my theory is that something happened between Molly and Sherlock, it happened pretty recently, somehow (stressful night and they talked or they had some drinks and somehow one thing led to another) they ended up having sex; but Sherlock wasn’t good at dealing with it after or something urgent came along and he didn’t really consider Molly’s emotions, he ran off right after or in the morning, and that could be the reason why Molly didn’t pick up the phone first and was in a bad mood during the “ILY scene”.  What happened between them recently is the reason why Molly is a bit rude to Sherlock when he calls, and the reason why she gets so emotional and raw so easily over the I Love You thing, and why she so easily tells him to say it first.  Well, then when Sherlock says “I love you” he finally realizes fully that he really does love her too, and that he is capable of loving that way, and finally sees how easy it could be and what he could lose.  Then after this whole thing he goes to talk to Molly and explain things to her.  -  @lullikiish

Complete me as a person. — Scene that popped into my mind.  Irene has been texting Sherlock again, Sherlock in the end almost agrees to meet her for dinner, but as he’s walking out of his flat while Molly is there looking after Rosie he sees Molly in kind of slo-mo in the golden evening sun holding Rosie and being all sweet.  Maybe already something a bit has happened before between them, some flirting, etc.  The talk with John about a relationship completing him as a person is on the back of his mind.  He walks out, but midway down the stairs while taking his phone out (symbolically in darkness compared to that evening sun) he realizes that he misses that warmth and Molly, and realizes that is what completes him.  He takes out his phone and texts he’s not coming and then goes back upstairs.  Sees Molly all adorable and confused/surprised in this beautiful light and maybe goes to kiss her, etc.  -   @lullikiish

A post TRF fic, where Sherlock takes Molly with him, but they return to London a couple years later than in canon because Molly got pregnant along the way (or even twice), so now they are three/four of them instead of two?  -  @mychakk

Victorian “Hooper”lock—Molly in disguise as “Hooper” the man, and they work together on a case and sparks fly.  They flirt and all, and Sherlock can’t figure out right away that she’s a woman, and I think it might not even bother him that much.  -  @lullikiish

“We had chips.  She liked me.” – Sherlock in TLD.  What could have been had he and Molly gotten chips in TEH:  A kick to Tom’s butt.  Happy greeting (a hug at least!) at the end of TEH.  Quite a lot of sex with Sherlock instead of Tom.  Molly the best man’s date.  A (sophisticated. Or not) Molly/Janine cat fight for Janine hitting on SH moments.  Dancing, so much Sherlolly dancing (and no leaving early).   Probably no Shezza (Shezzer?)—which, hmm, is a shame (But maybe they’ve their own not-being-on-a-sex-holiday-but-sexing-a-lot time).  A real proposal to Molly.  Molly at family Christmas, maybe even a Christmas wedding.  Solving CAM without the threat of exile sharpens Sherlock’s deductive abilities.   No Norbury as Molly’s already expecting their first offspring, so Sherlock doesn’t taunt needlessly.  Mary as the Sherlolly baby godmother as she’s alive!  Culverton Smith is taken down by the duo of Mary and Molly while the latter gives birth there (because the ladies are awesome, plus Mrs H tackles him down).  John is so impressed he doesn’t look at any other women.  Molly’s big heart brings Eurus from her metaphoric plane the moment she steps into 221B, plus baby Holmes wins her heart too.  The Holmes family reconciliation and Eurus is in therapy instead of being a multi-killer.  Baker Street Boys Team continues while Baker Street Girls Team gives them a run for their money.  Mycroft asks Lady Smallwood out himself to her astonishment and internal squealing.  Mummy Holmes gets more grandkids than she could’ve imagined.  And basically, everyone walks happily into the sunset.  The End.  Please note, some things can obviously be modified.  -  @mychakk  *

AU: Molly runs away from home when her parents try to arrange a marriage for her. She wants to pursue a life that involves science and marry for love if she ever gets married at all. She meets Sherlock, who is being pressured by his family to marry a nice girl they found for him who loves science as much as he does. It will be interesting when they figure it out.  -  @shadowyqueenbeard

AU. Instead of dying, Mary actually does hide from Sherlock and John effectively and they don’t find her. Still wracked by guilt and worried he’ll never see her again, John still imagines her in his mind and Sherlock still goes after Culverton Smith … possibly both to save John and because maybe Smith knows something about where Mary went? To solve the mystery and bring Mary home, Sherlock and Molly team up.  -   @rooneykmara

Crack!fic. Molly and Sherlock had a fake wedding for a case. However, when Molly applies for a marriage license to Tom, it turns out the wedding was actually real. She has to approach Sherlock for an annulment. It seems Sherlock deleted the event, because he doesn’t seem to remember it. Or does he? It seems he is too busy to sign the paperwork, he has misplaced it, always an excuse not to dissolve the marriage. Eventually he has to admit he really does want to be married to her. So Molly has to decide between two men. Which one does she choose? 😉  -  @shadowyqueenbeard

Molly, unbeknownst to Sherlock, suffers from psoriasis since her teen years. This is why she’s been adamant about being more physically intimate with him, no matter how much she wants to. Fortunately for her, Sherlock doesn’t care about it at all. Could be a hard T or M rating. Loosely inspired by Loo’s own bout with the disease.  -  @violetjersey *

Fluff and maybe smut, or angst with a happy ending: Molly has a creepy feeling that she is being followed, and goes to Lestrade for help. He discovers that she has a security detail, curtesy of Sherlock. Molly is not pleased with this situation. Sherlock doesn’t understand why not, shouldn’t she be glad that he cares about her safety? After getting an earful from Molly, he cancels the security detail. Molly promptly leaves town without a word to anyone, leaving Sherlock to sweat. Is she okay? Most likely she is on a beach sipping Margaritas, but maybe she’s in trouble. He would like to make amends but first he as to find her. Should he try to locate her or leave her alone as requested?  -  @shadowyqueenbeard

I have read this in one or two fics, but not really developed as a main theme of the story … so: What if Rosie wants to pair John and Molly? How Sherlock will react and … how will he convince Rosie that Molly is for him and not for John. I’m imagining some angst in the middle because the silly man thinks this is a wonderful idea: Rosie gets a mummy and Molly gets a family. In fact, Sherlock sets up a date between Molly and John while he’s babysitting Rosie.  -  @kalkopyryt

Crack!Fic.  Molly decides to try speed dating.  The day she goes Sherlock is there, deducing everyone else to shreds.  He tells Molly he is there purely by coincidence.  He’s not trying to thwart her attempts at dating at all. Really!     -  @shadowyqueenbeard

I’m thinking about Sherlock early in their relationship finds someone clothes that are familiar but can’t remember where, but then he watches some old Moriarty video and realizes where the clothes come from.  The end is up to the author.  Thank you! - @deemura

[brokeforart]

Artist’s Supplies: Sonali Zohra aka Dangercat

Hello fine people! I seem to be a little slow these days posting on this blog, but I mainly blame a lot of illustration work that has been happening on the side. But I am excited to bring to you a series of artist interviews: three amazing illustration girl friends who I have the pleasure of meeting every now and then. Our meetings comprise of discussing work, testing each other’s art supplies and faffing in general. For my first lady, I have the incredible one: Sonali Zohra aka Dangercat. She shares with us information about her materials, her process and a peek into her sketchbook. Read more below!

1. Real Name/Artistic Name: Sonali , Dangercat

2. Tell us a bit about yourself: I’m an illustrator based out of Bangalore. I have a Bachelor’s Degree in Fine Art and a Diploma in Photography.  

3. What moment in life/ artist/ project inspired you to take up illustration? No moment, I always remember drawing. I started as a kid and never grew up.

4. What is your personal work inspired by? What themes and topics do you enjoy working with? It's inspired by what i'm reading or listening to at the time, also my surroundings; plants, animals and my home. I don't have any specific themes or topics, my interests vary from mythology to science and psychology. I'm still in a formative stage when it comes to putting my thoughts down effectively. My main focus at the moment is to train my brain to think and visualise in different ways, I don't want to commit to one medium or topic I'm learning and exploring. 

5. What is your preferred method of beginning a project? Do you have a fixed process? It depends on what the project is. If its a book, then I'll read it a few times, figure out what kind of visuals would go with the story and what medium and colour palette would fit best. The next step would be sketches (here I collaborate with the editor and writer a bit). If its an album cover, I would be listening to the album constantly and drawing to it, that's all. Some projects require a lot more research, I enjoy this the most. I get to teach myself to draw new subjects while learning about topics outside my field (conservation, biology, the process of printing a book, or history). In short, I have no fixed process. 

6. What do you do, to deal with the general procrastination/lack of ideas that can affect all freelancers? Its tough, I used to get into a block that lasted days..but now I don't force it. I do something else for a bit and come back to it, it seems to be working (so far). 

7. Any rituals you follow before you sit to work, to help you get into the zone? A clean studio/ work-space! If things around me are in order, it helps getting my thoughts in order as well. I make a lot of lists and feel a sense of satisfaction when I strike them off. I also find that a good schedule of sleep, diet, exercise and down time help in keeping you clear headed for when you need to be productive.  Its a misconception that "freelance" is a whole lot of "do-what-you-want-when-you-want", when it actually takes a lot of discipline to pull off successfully.

8. Describe the materials you use the most in your work? Most of my commercial work is done digitally now, but you can replicate traditional mediums digitally as well...so that’s what I do. It’s faster. Sometimes I use ink and pens, sometimes gouache and acrylic for my personal work, journals and sketchbooks.

9. Tell us about the other materials you love experimenting with? I like charcoal and graphite and watercolour. Watercolor the most actually..

10. Which product has lasted you the longest/ you have had for a ages? I have a set of Soft Pastels I got 6 years ago. I have no idea what brand they are, the label seems to have been misplaced… I haven’t come across any other pastels with the same richness in colour.

11. Is there specific materials you find yourself picking up over and over?Yeah the Uni Pin Fine Liners and Copic Multiliners. I do a lot of pen work and they are the best I’ve used for details. They last long and are consistent.

12. If you could keep a kit of 4-5 materials only, what would they be? Fine liners, watercolour paints, graphite pencils, soft pastels and willow charcoal.

13. Which is your favourite material/medium and why? Willow charcoal- that black is really black and I like how it crumbles and how you can mix it with paint as well to create marble –like textures.

14.  Which material/medium are you dying to try? Oil paint! But I’m intimidated by them and have been for years.

15.  We all know that art materials are very expensive. If you could buy any supply your heart desires, no matter the cost, what would it be? Probably one of those gigantic Windsor & Newton watercolour sets. Ten shades of green.

16. If you could offer advice on art materials, for upcoming artists/students what would it be? Try everything twice. Don’t stick to just one medium, learn and experiment as much as possible. Understanding the use of material would mean learning how to translate what’s in your head onto paper most accurately.

17. The most underrated material/medium? Ball pen! It’s the most fantastic tool.

18. If you could dive into one artist’s supply stash, who would it be? Yours :) I have, and I’ve learnt so much, thank you!

19. Name an artist whose studio you would love to work in? No one in particular. I would pick a place with good music, cozy space with lots of things to be inspired by, coffee and periodic conversations.

20. Last piece of advice for upcoming artists on finding what material works for you? Use everything. You can make it work with whatever medium you choose and it doesn’t matter as long as you’re having fun. You’ll eventually start unconsciously leaning to one that feels closer to what you’ve visualized in your head, and that’ll be the one.  Also exchange as much knowledge you can with your friends, draw together and share your stash!

You can view more of Sonali’s work at the links below! Follow her, like her work and show some love :) Instagram Website Facebook

[blouisparadise]

We received a request for bottom Louis/top Harry fics that are told from Harry’s POV, so here you go. There was a long list, so we’ve split it into two parts. This is the first part and the second will be posted in a few weeks. Happy reading!

1) Louder Louder | Explicit | 2931 words

There's really only one way to get Louis out of a mood this terrible, and Harry is prepared to sacrifice his entire evening if necessary.

2) Handprints And Good Grips | Explicit | 3330 words

Harry wants to pull them down and suck him off. Harry wants to never take them off and eat him out over the lace. Harry wants to push them aside and fuck the imprint right into Louis’ body.

3) Feel The Need | Explicit | 4898 words

Louis and Harry attend Liam's Halloween party. Risky Business ensues.

4) Power Inside | Explicit | 5861 words

Louis wrinkles his nose and pokes Harry again. “You want a baby,” he repeats.

Again, Harry frowns. “Uh, yeah, Lou, I want a baby. So do you.”

Where is this even going. Harry honestly has no clue.

Abruptly, Louis stops frowning and practically throws himself off of Harry, splaying himself out on his side of the bed, arms spread wide. “Okay. Let’s make a baby, then.”

Can eyebrows get permanently attached to a hairline? Harry has a feeling he’s going to find out. “You do realize - ” he starts.

“Yes, Harry, I realize,” Louis says, stroking his fingers over the inside of his own thigh, ruking his shorts up. “You gonna shut up about it and give me a baby or am I gonna have to go out and find someone else to fulfill my deepest desires?”

He’s a nutjob. He’s a complete nutjob. Harry’s in love with a complete nutjob.

5) Throw Me In The Deep End | Explicit | 5914 words

He’s a respectable captain who doesn’t go around bedding his crew, although when certain members of his crew decide to land on his bed themselves, it’s a bit of a tough  choice. So it’s a struggle, really.

6) Back Where I Belong | Explicit | 7217 words

Harry’s trying to have a conversation with Nick, who he hasn’t seen in nearly three months, but the way Nick’s eyes keep darting over his shoulder every few seconds is quite distracting.

It’s ironic, because at least a quarter of the reason that he’s even talking to Nick in the first place is because he needs a distraction. He’s all too aware of exactly what’s going on behind his back.

Nick is the one who finally brings it up. “Do you think he’s doing it to spite you?”

“He’s definitely doing it to spite me,” Harry answers tightly, resisting the urge to crane his neck around so he can see. He clutches his drink a little tighter, trying to keep his tenuous control over his own movements.

7) Forever, Uninterrupted | Explicit | 8578 words

Harry finds a mysterious picture in Louis' bag one night and drives himself crazy over it. It's definitely not what he thinks.

An excuse to write Harry in rut, because there's already so many heat fics out there.

8) Spice Up Your Life | Explicit | 9501 words

After a conversation with his Uni friends, Harry worries that his relationship with Louis has lost it's spark.

9) Give Me Things To Stay Awake | Explicit | 10261 words

It's been a year since Louis broke up with Harry.

10) You Are My Favorite Place | Explicit | 10347 words

It had gutted Harry when he saw the headlines splashed across the gossip rags, the ones proclaiming the house he planned to make their home in LA was a bachelor pad. With both of them doing more producing and writing, Harry knew that they would need a place here so they wouldn't have to travel so much. As soon as he'd seen it and how remote it was, he knew it would be perfect.

It was so much more than some stupid bachelor pad.

Shaking his head, Harry glanced over at Louis. He was smiling, the one that Harry loved the most. His eyes were crinkled and his mouth was stretched wide; he looked so pleased that Harry had to lean over and kiss his temple. “So what do you think?” he asked, pressing the words against Louis's cheekbone. He pulled away to usher him into the house and they dropped their bags in the expansive entryway.

Harry had changed a bit of the decorating since the last time Louis had been there, making it more like the house the two of them shared in London. This one was more open, with more windows and more space for them to be themselves. No interruptions, no looking over their shoulders, just the two of them to break in all the new furniture.

He couldn't wait.

11) And So Far So Good | Explicit | 11707 words

It's been a year since Louis got hurt.

12) In A World Apart | Explicit | 11973 words

During their off time in LA, Harry is reminded just how much he loves Louis.

13) Doesn’t Have To Be A Real Thing | Explicit | 12532 words

In which Harry helps Louis get over his ex and it kind of becomes a regular thing. It’s totally casual – they have an understanding. But what happens to Harry when Nick reappears in Louis’ life?

14) No Bleeding Hearts | Explicit | 12651 words

“I’m going to come out,” Louis says abruptly. His grip on the controller is tight, knuckles whitening. He doesn’t look at Harry when he says it.

“What?” Harry says. Louis sucks in a breath through his teeth.

“When we re-negotiate our contracts. I’m going to come out.” Harry fumbles with the controller and manages to set it down on coffee table without cracking it in half.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” Harry says. Louis is still pointedly not looking at him.

“I’m not having this argument with you again, Harry,” Louis tells him. He leans forward and deposits his own controller on the table beside Harry’s before standing up. “I’m gonna go to the hotel.”

15) Keep Holding Me This Way | Explicit | 13747 words

An English grad student, a frat jock, and an unimpressed rich boy walk into a bar. No one walks out.

16) Undertow | Explicit | 15507 words

As if Harry's world wasn't already on the brink of change, a twist of fate turns the man he once photographed in the streets of Paris and never forgot from faint memory, to a one night stand, to even more.

He wishes he could say he fought harder not to be pulled into the undertow, but he really, really didn't.

17) Know You Got That Thing (That I Like) | Explicit | 15798 words

In all the ways he thought about their reunion going, watching Louis finger himself open was not on the list.

18) These Roads We Stumble Down | Explicit | 18233 words

Harry picks up a hitchhiker in Oxford, and it's a long ride to Glasgow.

19) Break Open The Sky | Explicit | 20372 words

Harry might be a werewolf, but he still wants to experience Uni like everyone else. Turns out he learns a lot.

20) Smaller Than Me | Explicit | 22935 words

Harry's just finished his first year of uni on his way to becoming Dr. Harry Styles, Neurosurgeon. He's young, he has endless potential, three amazing best mates, a new love and the world at his fingertips. The fact that his new boyfriend may or may not be a sex-worker, of course, throws a wrench into the works. But it's not true. Really.

Probably.

It most definitely might not be entirely true. And that's all Harry needs to know.

21) Another Day Gettin’ Into Trouble | Explicit | 25619 words

Harry’s drunk when the idea occurs to him. He’s also a pop star, so sometimes his drunk ideas turn into actual things instead of just ideas. The clone-a-willy kit is one of them.

In Harry’s defense, when he first thinks about it his intention is just to buy the kit and give it to Louis to make his own dildo with, because that’s what he wants anyway, right? To have a penis filling him up?

Then he realizes that it would be weird if Louis made a copy of his own dick to fuck himself with. It’d be super weird. Louis fucking himself? That’s a weird idea. Harry’s pretty sure Louis wouldn’t like that.

Clearly the only solution here is to use his own dick for the mold.

22) Sort Your Head And Facedown | Explicit | 26426 words

Harry gets sent to an alternate universe where most everything is the same and most everything has changed.

23) Up To No Good | Explicit | 26525 words | Sequel 1 | Sequel 2

Harry doesn’t think of himself as a womanizer, not at all. Sure, he enjoys sex, enjoys how women feel underneath him, and by some people’s standards he has sex with quite a lot of people, but that’s no reason to tell him that he can’t have a female PA anymore.

It’s especially no excuse for giving him a male PA who’s possibly the most gorgeous boy in the world who won’t even let Harry look at him for too long.

Sometimes Harry hates his life.

24) Mine Now | Explicit | 32254 words

This is the story of how Harry finds himself pouting in Louis’ passenger seat with a raging boner on the way to seduce his ex boyfriend.

25) All The Right Moves | Explicit | 32264 words

This is the third game in a row that Harry has been distracted by the noisy boy in the stands, five rows back.

There’s really no reason that he should feel compelled to stare into the audience as frequently as he is, but he can’t help it. This boy is a nuisance. And he’s loud. Even from basketball court with nine other players running by him, shoes squeaking on the shiny hardwood floor, and thousands of cheering college students, Harry can hear this boy nearly shrieking, his laugh more like a cackle than anything.

It’s seriously obnoxious.

26) Not Quite | Explicit | 34162 words

As Harry prepares for the premiere of his first blockbuster film, his manager encourages him to hire a bodyguard as a precautionary measure. Harry ends up making an unusual choice.

27) Runner On Third | Explicit | 39639 words

The AU where Louis and Harry were best friends growing up, but lost touch after Harry moved away. Ten years later, Harry has moved back to town, but he and Louis don't pick up where they left off.

28) Ever Fixed | Mature | 41521 words

Three years ago, Harry was happily married, successfully heading the largest technology company in the world, and raising his young daughter. After he loses nearly everything in the aftermath of his daughter’s lost battle with a rare brain tumor, it may take three strange and yet very familiar visitors – and a man from the therapy group Harry keeps refusing to go to – to get him back on track.

29) To Kill The Mess We’ve Made | Explicit | 43029 words

And when he's finally standing, Liam fussing over him, rubbing his hand at the red mark blooming on Harry's forehead, does Harry learn two things:

One, he wasn't actually hit that hard, and Tommo--or Louis, rather--is just as pretty when Harry is staring at him head-on and,

Two, Louis is the Adidas model he's going to be working with on today's photo shoot.

30) Roots | Explicit | 43233 words

There aren’t many things that make Harry Styles nervous. He’s spent the past couple of years on and off various stages, filled with screaming fans, all chanting his name, loud and adoring. He’s done countless interviews, some even on live, national television, never faltering over his words, answers meticulously planned out, smooth and steady. He’s signed countless autographs, taken just as many photos, and even when he sat in his label’s studio, waiting to see how high up on the charts his single made it, he didn’t feel uneasy or uncomfortable. It’s all been unbelievably fun. No, there aren’t many things that make Harry Styles nervous.

Enter Louis Tomlinson.

31) Can I Not Like You For A While? | Explicit | 43346 words

Louis Tomlinson is awful. Harry is just as difficult, and they're both terrible to each other. it makes being in the same acapella group together quite complicated.

32) Tangled Up In You | Explicit | 45152 words

Harry blinks once. And blinks again. And says, his voice dangerous: “Niall, did you get me a mail-order bride?”

Because what the actual fuck. It kind of looks like Niall’s just purchased a person. For Harry.

Niall blinks back at him for a few moments, before throwing his head back and howling with laughter. Harry throws a pillow at him. Hard. “No, what the fuck, Harry.”

“A prostitute then?” Harry also doesn't want a prostitute.

“Of course not!”

“A stripper?”

“No!”

Damn, he’s running out of ideas. He settles for launching another pillow at Niall’s head. Niall bats it away easily, still laughing. “Stop!”

“What did you get me, then?!” Niall must hear the tinge of hysteria in his voice, because he’s pulling himself together, trying to stop himself from laughing.

There’s still a big grin on his face, though, when he says, “I got you a professional cuddler.”

A professional…what. “What?”

33) I Carry Your Heart With Me (I Carry It In My Heart) | Explicit | 55844 words

Harry thinks he has good reasons for avoiding relationships. Meeting Louis puts those reasons to the test.

34) This Feeling | Explicit | 58875 words

"Gonna play it back for you now." Louis clicked play and the song flooded through Harry’s headphones.

The sound of each others voices united into one, and the rhythm of the music carried their voices effortlessly. Harry’s insides tingled and a wave of shivers rolled down his spine.

Before the clip cut off, Harry turned to raise an eyebrow at Louis, and failed miserably at disguising his smile. Louis stared back at him in shock.

35) Swim In The Smoke | Explicit | 101778 words

“What about this, Captain?” Liam asks, nudging the boy kneeling between their feet with the toe of his boot. The boy hisses and swipes at him, slurring out something unintelligible around the makeshift gag Niall had to stuff in his mouth. He misses by a mile and tries again, just as ineffectively.

Harry looks down at him, at the way the sun streams over his face and shoulders, at the way the gag stretches his mouth, lips pink and chapped. He’s lithe and pretty, smudged all over with dirt. They had found him tied up below deck, mostly unconscious, next to a barrel full of gold. He’s clearly a prisoner, but there’s something familiar about him, something that niggles at Harry’s brain. Something he can’t quite put his finger on.

“Put him in my cabin,” Harry decides, turning back to deal with the rest of the loot. The boys screams out jumbled curse words at Harry’s back, muffled by the gag, and Harry can’t understand any of it.

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[brightlotusmoon]

Sneak Peek: A “Mikey The Lifegiver” side story

So, while working on the “Spirit And Oxygen” fic, I got poked in the writerbrain by yet another “Donnie thinks about how much he adores Mikey” story that didn’t quite fit, but maybe it could, so right now it’s going to be a side story, at least until Season 5 rolls around and we get canon confirmation on some things.

Stuff that is my heacanon here: 1) Shinigami is in a polyamorous relationship with Karai and Michelangelo, and the girls have their own bedroom in the lair. 2) Raph has taken a shine to Shini and her attitudes on life and is so proud his little brother has such an awesome loveperson who is also banging his awesome sister. 3) April has finally decided to try dating both Donnie and Casey, although she’s spent more time with Don, and casey doesn’t mind. 4) Both Splinter and Shredder are dead (Karai killed Shredder, take that Leo, although Leo was there too and got some hits in). 5) The Might Mutanimals are very involved in the turtles’ lives. Mondo has learned first aid from Dr Rockwell and engineering from Don. 6) Leo and Karai have been duel sensei-ing and still argue over who gets to be Actual Sensei. 7) Abandoned military bases are turned into hide-outs for the more vicious, feral, and angry mutants in every borough. Mikey, Mondo, and Shini like to try and find them to befriend the tamer, friendlier ones. Karai and Raph wind up getting angry out of love and fear. 8) Mikey is Donnie’s assistant in the lab and is a field medic who uses his emotional reach to comfort the injured. I don’t know if any of it will reflect in real canon. We shall find out in March. I did see the Korean leaks and I’m not saying a damn word. Also, I am happy to discuss where the rest of the story might go and how and why, and I’ll probably switch to another perspective like April (Storm) or Karai (Iron) or Ghost Of Splinter (Wind) or Shinigami (Magic). Mostly I’m just in love with writing Donnie talking about Mikey, and this would be my third Earth And Oxygen fic in the “Mikey The Lifegiver” series.  (PS, Mikey is Oxygen, duh. Don is Earth, Raph is Fire, Leo is Water. The Tumblr post for Mikey The Lifegiver is the second most popular blog post I’ve written so far. The first one is me waxing pagan about all those winter holidays from dozens of religions with hundreds many gods) Also, for my regular readers: You knew this sort of thing was gonna happen again. It’s all I write. Apparently, though, since 1999, I’ve had the most  wonderful contemporaries and competition. You hardcore Mikey fans, you’re the best, I love you all.

Lying in my bed I hear the clock tick, And think of you Caught up in circles confusion Is nothing new Flashback warm nights Almost left behind Suitcases of memories, Time after Sometimes you picture me I'm walking too far ahead You're calling to me, I can't hear What you've said You say go slow I fall behind The second hand unwinds If you're lost you can look and you will find me Time after time If you fall I will catch you I'll be waiting Time after time If you're lost you can look and you will find me Time after time If you fall I will catch you I'll be waiting Time after time After my picture fades and darkness has Turned to gray Watching through windows you're wondering If I'm ok Secrets stolen from deep inside The drum beats out of time If you're lost you can look and you will find me Time after time If you fall I will catch you I'll be waiting Time after time You said go slow I fall behind The second hand unwinds If you're lost you can look and you will find me Time after time If you fall I will catch you I'll be waiting Time after time

-Cyndi Lauper, “Time After Time”

 Earth And Oxygen: Time After Time

 Donnie’s dreaming hard again, and he cherishes it. Usually is dreams are soft and quick, minnows in a stream, full of chrome and rust and the scent of oil, and there are tiny things in his hands, beeping and whirring, and there are giant things in front of him, clicking and rumbling; and the scars all over his hands reminds him that these are his, he made them, and they make sounds at him as though they are praising him.

Almost a year ago, shortly after Splinter died and Shredder died and Karai moved in, things began happening that challenged every science imaginable, but Donnie learned to be completely fine with it. Aside from Leo and Karai in a constant subtle battle over who would be sensei, Raph mellowed out and Mikey stopped pranking. Donnie was the only one who recognized Mikey as the catalyst: after enduring a series of traumas that they wouldn’t wish on their enemies, Mikey had become quieter, softer. His odd hyperfocusing moments turned on books without pictures and science documentaries and Donnie spent three weeks spying on him; it was no surprise when Mikey caught him each time, because Mikey had changed the most. Donnie and April ran every single test, and Mikey endured them with a strange fidgeting patience, but Rockwell in the end explained that Mikey’s Dimension X brain had finally caught up with him. He was almost like April. Don stopped being surprised when a beaker full of An Unusual Chemical dropped from his hands and floated back up to the table, despite it only being him and Mikey. Mikey, who folded his arms and grinned cheekily, and that was the day Donnie went to the closet and handed him a lab coat with his name on it.

Between their rotating autistic traits and interests, Donnie with engineering and physical science and Mikey with social sciences and cultural studies, they managed to create Things that made the lair easier to live in. With Mikey around, it was easier to navigate the entire city and study humans’ patterns, so certain stores, warehouses, junkyards, and clinics would stay their “borrowing” targets. With Donnie around, they had vehicles and cloaking devices to move further and deeper in.

So Donnie dreams heavily, about jumping from roof to roof in Staten Island, looking for that one military facility that up until now always had staff. Mikey is right behind him, ready with both kusarigama and grappling hook. Donnie stops and signals, and Mikey presses right against his carapace, wrapping one arm around his waist, extending the other to aim the grappling gun. Don signals again, and Mikey pushes off and practically flies – scratch that, he literally glides – and Donnie feels perfectly utterly safe as he casually throws an arm around his little brother’s shoulders. Mikey wouldn’t let them drop; they’d only hover. That’s how good he’s gotten. The grappling hook keeps catching on roof edges and Mikey lets it hover and glide to the next and the next, and they keep going.

They’re on the roof of the facility, over a mile from where they started, and Donnie pries open the secret door and they move in, and their flashlights roam. They remove their backpacks when he finds the correct room, and collect the items he’s already listed on his T-Phone. It’s silent, it’s swift, and the only thing that warns him is Mikey’s hiss and his voice in Donnie’s head: Donnie, get DOWN—

And Donnie flattens himself on the floor and the creature grazes him with a long metal toe as it leaps over him, and his right shoulder and bicep both rip open wide and his body spills blood rapidly. But it’s not the pain that makes him scream. It’s the strangled screeching gasp, full of pure agony and horror, that Mikey makes from somewhere behind him. No living creature should be making a sound like that unless it’s about to die...

There is precious seconds of heavy silence, and he hears Mikey make that familiar, inhuman growl that all the turtles make when enraged, when their human sides shrink and their literal reptilian brains take over with crushing power. The creature howls in pain and shock, and Mikey lets out a roar that contains Donnie’s name scrawled into it, and then there is crashing, there is stabbing, punching, shrieking, snarling, bones cracking and flesh squelching and liquid spurting and other noises that Donnie will hear in his post-traumatic nightmares. Donnie crawls forward, collapses on his back, turns around and forces himself to stand.

The creature has Mikey pinned to the ground, and shadowed blood is pooling everywhere. And then Mikey kicks and flips the creature over with a furious shriek, and through the darkness Donnie sees his teeth flash in a savage grin, you do not want to see that kind of smile on Mikey’s face, and Donnie sees him coated in shadows, launching again at the creature, smacking his nunchaku again and again…and then the creature stops moving, stops making noise; and Donnie hears his own harsh, pained breathing, and his brother’s harsh, pained breathing, and he manages to call out, “Mikey, are you okay?”

There’s a pause. “I’m always okay, Dee,” comes a breezy reply, but it is thin and strained. “Hey, Dee, what’s hurt on you?”

“My right shoulder and upper arm, but I can patch it up. You?”

A longer pause, much much longer.

“Can I take a raincheck on answering that?”

Donnie feels his gut turn to ice. “Mikey?”

He sees the dark figure of his brother hold up a finger. “Just…gimme…a sec.”

Within that second, Mikey falls to his knees. Donnie feels himself lurch forward. His eyes strain. The shadows on his brother are not shadows. They are too shiny. He’s covered in it.

No. No. Please, no, not again, I can’t handle this again.

It’s not the blood loss making Donnie feel so dizzy. He struggles to move, and watches, in slow motion, as Mikey falls over completely, smacking the floor, and it is a wet smack, and liquid is still pooling around him. And Don starts to hyperventilate, because he’s not sure where the light switch might be in this room and where the first aid kits are, and suddenly the darkness is too dark and the floor opens up and he is being swallowed, and he cannot reach Mikey, and then he falls, and as he falls his T-Phone rings, and something presses its energy button, and it’s blaring in his ears, louder and louder, calling MIkey’s name.

Donatello bolts up screaming, and it is too dark and he can’t see. A door crashes open. A body launches at him, and before he can take another breath, a pair of arms are wrapped around him and a plastron is pressed against his, and his chin is on a broad muscley shoulder, and the scent he breathes in is pure Raphael.

“Raph,” he squeaks out. “Hey--”

“Sshhh, Donnie, easy,” the hoarse voice murmurs. “It was a dream. You’re okay.”

He finds himself awkwardly patting his older brother’s upper carapace, trying to politely pull away. “Raph…Raph, I realize that…can I breathe? Please?”

Raph pulls away, green eyes serpentine in the darkness of his bedroom. The way his head tilts, too.

“I’m fine, Raph. I promise. I know it’s a nightmare.”

Those eyes and that head tilt remain fixed on him.

“Donnie, this is your fourth nightmare. Do you realize that?”

Really?

“Um. No?” He’s been so busy between his lab and the sectioned-off infirmary that Rockwell and Slash and Casey helped build that he sometimes doesn’t remember going to bed.

“Well, it is. And I’ll bet it’s the exact same one. Yours are weird.” Raph sits back, agura style, and Donnie draws his knees up to make room. “They’re like clockwork. Once a week. And, y’know, this is the fourth week since--”

“I know. And you guys dragged me to my own bed when you knew I wouldn’t stay here.”

“You did this time,” Raph points out.

“True. Wait, I did?”

“Congratulations on a full twelve hours of sleep, bro. It’s ten in the morning.”

Donnie feels his eyes grow wide. He throws the covers off and jumps off his bed. “I’m missing work, I--”

Raph’s strong hand slaps against his chest. “Remember what we all agreed on? Until your shoulder and arm is fully functional, you don’t do anything complex without someone helping you. I hope you were planning on asking someone.”

Donnie narrows his eyes. “Do you know how to handle the complex alien chemicals I need to work on? Plus the newer components of the retromutagen?”

“If not me, you have April. Or Rockwell. Or Shini.”

Donnie sighs, looks at his immobilized arm, and sighs again.

“You’re a stubborn bastard, Hamato Donatello.”

“You’re worse.”

“I am a paragon of complacency, little brother.”

And Donnie winces. “Try not to call me that?”

“Oh. Right. I forgot. You’re right. Sorry, Don.”

Donnie sighs and gets dressed.

“Um.” Raph rubs the back of his head. “So, nothing’s changed this morning. That’s…like, good, right? Kinda?”

“Kinda,” Donnie says. “It means that Mikey is continuing to heal. Which is the best we can hope for in this situation.”

As he heads out of his room and toward the lab doors, Raph catches up. “You should eat something first.”

“I need to check his vitals and change his IV bags.”

“Karai did that.”

“Even the GI tube?”

“Yeah, that one too.”

Donnie pauses. “I just need to see…”

“Donnie.” Raph is impossibly firm, and very soft. “Donnie, everything you could do has been done. We’ve watched you and learned from you for a whole month. It’s a routine. And part of the routine is that those of us who aren’t doing the routine help ourselves first. It’s your turn.”

Donnie is very silent as Raph steers him toward the kitchen. Leo is finishing up eggs, toast, and tea. Shinigami is making two more plates.

“Oh, you got him up! Good morning, Donatello. Did your nightmare complete itself?” The witch’s smile is knowing and polite, and he has gotten used to her specific brand of sass. She is, after all his little brother’s girlfriend and his sister’s girlfriend.

He mumbles “yes” because shrugging his shoulders still hurts. He eats mechanically, even as he is poked at to make conversation. Raph has started giving him daily protein shakes. There is one next to his plate. He drinks it and crushes the bottle, casually proving how fine he is. Sometimes the others forget how strong he is.

He misses having Mikey around to defend him.

“I’ll be in the infirmary,” Shinigami says, and Donnie startles. When he looks at her, he sees dark, deep circles under her eyes. Her fair complexion is blotchy and even paler than usual. And he wants to slap himself. She loves him. She has so much love, she loves Mikey and Karai. And Karai, to see her baby brother like this. Abruptly, he stands up, wraps his arms around Shini, and grips her like one of Mikey’s famous octopus hugs.

She simply buries her face in his neck and holds him tight.

[soulinquest]

Major Changes

The past year has been one of the most challenging of my life. In 2013, my girlfriend of 5 1/2 years was killed in a tragic car accident during a winter white-out. I knew at this point, that the way I processed this and moved forward could go in one of two directions - a healthy rebound putting that pain into something positive, or a self-destructive lifestyle.

I spent around 6 months digesting things and just coming to accept what had been done. I was in a daze for a long time, and frankly, don’t really even remember the following month from being in that hospital room. But in that month, I got a bicycle.

I grew up riding bikes, dirtbikes, four-wheelers, mini-bikes, all of that stuff that an ol’ Indiana kid would be into. Cycling was something that my highshool best friend, and still thankfully current best friend despite living on the other side of the world, got me into. We exchanged hobbies - he bought a dirtbike, and I got a mountain bike when I graduated college. I LOVED my new bike - a 2013 Trek Superfly AL Elite. I may write more about my cycling life at another point.

But after my girlfriend’s passing, I ended up with a roadbike that was drastically beyond my abilities that I could grow into - a 2015 Giant Defy Composite 0 with a full electronic Ultegra Di2 component set. We got a killer deal on it, but again, I don’t fully remember the details around the time I got it.

Friends of mine said they could even say they saw it on me. I thankfully never got into a very destructive habit at that point, beyond the anti-anxiety medications that helped me move forward. Those with the combination of stress and PTSD symptoms lead to this blackout period.

From there, I racked up around 5,000 miles over the next few years. I dropped 30lbs. I was in the best shape of my life and happy. I loved that period of my life. I spent so much time biking alone, which was obviously lonely at times, but I loved the freedom and having a hobby as intense as this to spend my money on - roof racks, bike upgrades, kits and gear, and even more bikes.

When that best friend of mine referenced above graduated college and got a job, it ended up being in Florida. This was something tough for me to reconcile with because this guy was my best friend and directly responsible for the most enjoyable trips and adventures I had ever had. We have had ups and downs, together and individually. We grew apart, grew back together, and now have a long distance friendship that allows us to see eachother a few times a year maybe, but the quality of our friendship never changed, and I’m thankful for that. It’s hard to find genuine friends these days to connect with, that have the same interests in you, and that aren’t already married or in a serious relationship of their own which they understandably are putting an enormous amount of time and effort into.

The day my best friend, who I’ll reference to as Arthur (not his real name, but an inside joke between us), left to go to Florida, he stopped by my apartment on his way out for a going away/roommate birthday party. It was one of the best parties I’ve ever been to. I don’t typically love these ragers, but having so many close family and friends and the electricity in the air made it amazing. 

That night, I met up with a girl, who I will refer to as Liz (also not her real name), that went to my high school and I had been one date on. We went out and had an amazing evening together that night as I split from the party some. This eventually turned into a very intense, tight knit relationship that felt like it made my life complete.

The point of this post is to talk about that. My relationship with Liz went strong for a year and a half. We were happy, we did many things, I even got a passport and left the country for my first time. She broke down a lot of barriers in my life, showed me how to be vulnerable, and was nothing but a positive influence that I was so proud to have. We had our issues with communication that I think plagues many relationships, but that didn’t alter my opinion that we had something great.

The truth of it is this though, as this was all going on, I ended up being isolating myself and not allowing myself to be the full person I was or who I wanted to be. I didn’t treat her as well as I wanted to. Not in an abusive way, but I wish I could have made her feel special. The reason that I couldn’t was because I was living somewhat of a double life. One side was a successful young professional with a great salary, friends, hobbies, and seemed to have life figured out. The other side was someone who fell into a trap with opiates that I struggled with for around a year. 

A friend from college who I will refer to as Bill (not his real name), offered me heroin on the first day we moved in together in 2015 or 2016. I was told “hey man, this is just like the vicodins and percocets we have done in the past, it’s fun. Not a big deal. It has a stigma that I think is bullshit but I do it a few times a month maybe now, you should give it a try”. That exact moment is something I wish I could go back and change so bad. I enjoy drugs. I enjoy the experiences and mind altering effects. Opiates were always my favorite. I drew a line for myself at Cocaine and Heroin, knowing that I would probably enjoy either of those TOO much, and would have hard time not falling into the stereotypical story that the “not even one time” campaign refers to. That one time sparked something that I didn’t reconcile or identify for a long time.

I tried it. I loved it. I don’t think anyone could NOT love it. The chemical reactions that it causes in your brain would pretty much keep you from ever not enjoying it. We smoked it. It tasted good, like a roasted marshmallow. I did a small amount with him that night, which turned into a “let’s get more for tomorrow to celebrate our new apartment”. 

This post could go on forever, but I think the direction it’s moving is obvious. A special occasion turned into weekends which turned into weekdays, which turned into every day. I looked forward to it, but the first time we couldn’t get any, I suddenly realized that I had become physically dependent. It became a fun activity to what felt like a necessity that you could place in line with eating food, drinking water, and breathing air. I was a mess without it. Flu symptoms, depression, everything. 

This didn’t last long though. Even though I crossed that bridge, I realized how wrong this was. I substituted this for oxy and vicodin. In comparison, these are much better, but still was not great. It just allowed me to keep functioning.

All during this time, I was dating Liz. She had no idea. At first, all of this second life didn’t feel like a second life. It felt like something that just happened here and there and that I just wasn’t sharing with her. I became so upset with Bill for introducing me and convincing me “It’s not a big deal” and blamed him for so long. But this was a decision I made - I could have said no, walked away, he only offered. So despite Bill still being on that path and us not talking at all anymore, I was still stuck with this habit. 

I remember panicking at times, thinking “What the fuck did I do? How did I get to this place? This isn’t me. Am I going to be able to escape from this? Can I do this on my own? How does this story end?”

From there, I did months of research to quit, recovery help, vitamins and supplements to assist and make it easier to stop to prevent the possibility of a relapse. I was so angry at Bill and never wanted to bring someone else into this world with me. I would do anything I could to tell people to avoid that devil’s powder. I feel that people may be able to enjoy low level opiates on a responsible basis, but I think that the ability to do that with dope is nearly impossible. 

I had my supplements, vitamins, knowledge of what I was against, and had successfully tapered down from the worst of the worst, to just Oxys. “Just Oxy” is kind of a joke to say cause it’s still a monster itself, but at least it wasn’t the dope that I know Bill was spending $100/day on, previously was selling to me and ripping me off and taking from my portion, whatever. I felt like I was taking steps in the right direction. 

Liz never knew any of this. Turns out, she had suspicions all along by how I acted, looked, occasional money issues, or her wondering why I was leaving the house sometimes. Most of that was due to my second life. I kept this all from her because I didn’t want to pull her in. Having social support was something I always wanted, but I know the stigma, judgement, embarrassment for asking for help, and everything else kept me from doing that. 

I convinced myself I was going to do this on my own. That I’d fix this, and move forward with Liz without ever looking back. I had gotten clean 3 times for drug tests, vacations, and other things, but ended up right back in it because I may not have wanted it to stop and endure the shit of withdrawals at all so that I could continue functioning, and so that I could be the functional person I needed to be for my job, relationships, and friends.

But that second life ended and became my main life. I was caught. Liz found a stash and was pissed, with every right to be. I had fabricated stories to cover things up, lied about things, and probably acted a bit weird or messed up at times. She felt crazy convincing herself that she was overthinking things and that there was nothing to worry about, but she obviously knew for a lot longer than I thought. I thought I was so sneaky, that quitting would be easy, but I was wrong.

Fast forward to today. Liz and I are on an indefinite break or broken up. Kind of blurry there. She wants the best for me, but also won’t let her be with me for feeling like I lied to her to an extreme amount about something huge for a very long time. I don’t deny or disagree with any of that. This past Saturday, I was two weeks clean. She gave me the chance to fix things and work through it all. I was going through my camping supplies to prep for a surprise trip for her birthday in an effort for me to do more for her, and came across some lost old scraps. You know what happens next.

I fell back in. I didn’t think about it. I felt accomplished in my two weeks, but should have just thrown it out rather than enjoying it. She caught me there, and that was the last straw. She called my brother, parents, and next thing I know, my life is being flipped upside down and I was being driven to Fort Wayne for my parents to basically take custody of me until I was fixed. I hate that things ended up this way, but have accepted that it was probably needed. Doing this all on my own would have been much harder than doing it with support. Since then, I’ve come clean with my friends and family. Everyone was fairly stunned, but some were kind of just finally getting a confirmation that there was something going on when they thought they saw something weird. Arthur was one of them. He has had this plague a cousin of his and has saw the damage it can do. Beyond that, I practically trained him in safe drug use in college. He isn’t an idiot. He saw it in my eyes. He didn’t call me out, but even if he did, I probably would have denied it at that point.

Liz has decided to work on herself and become more confident and independent. I think that is great for her. I am without doubt scared of the idea of not being able to reconcile and losing her, but these are the consequences. I’m luckily still talking to her and we are civil, but she has drawn a line that she can’t fully trust me right now, and that if we were to ever get back together - it would be a long path of proving myself to her that I have changed. I wouldn’t want it any other way.

I feel at one of the lowest points of my life. Second half of my 20′s, and am living at home, crying daily, scared, and accepting I fucked a lot of shit up. I don’t know if I could have avoided this in any way beyond never doing it that first time. One time is enough to suck you in. 

I’m doing a lot to address this moving forwards. I’m identifying my vices, reviewing my coping mechanisms with stress, rewiring my brain so that I’m 100% honest always (whether that hurts me or not), letting my friends know of what has happened so that they can support me, push me, and watch me. I’ve removed contacts and cut ties with negative influences. And now I’m starting a blog to externalize any struggles I have. I will be inviting a small number of my friends to this to be able to see this as part of my open and honesty portion of change. 

Since I feel like I’m typing to myself, I’ll be putting it all out here. Cravings, feelings of weakness, failures, accomplishments, all of it. I invite everyone to comment and join me on this journey.

First post of many to come.