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imoldgreggory · 3 years

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Today I’m not in the mood for sad, tragic or bitterwseet, I’m in the mood for happy, and hopeful, and whole; so naturally, I’m listening to ‘Wonderful One’. But this time, I notice more not the lyrics we normally discuss - the more obvious ones, about desire and all that, - but rather those that I, in my distraction, never gave the proper attention they deserve.

There’s probably an analysis of this one in the big Jimbert meta already, isn’t there (and I still don’t know *hides in shame*)? Anyway, this is no analysis (especially since I’ll be ignoring half the lyrics, like I said) - just some comments and personal impressions of mine. Because I’m in the mood.

So throw it down, Cleveland rain

So, in case you don’t know, I’m quite useless at knowing the actual canon, and this is no exception. I hope we all agree the song is undoubtedly about Jimbert, but I have no clue why Cleveland might be significant - so much, in fact, that it opens such a song as this. But it sure is intriguing. As we know, Robert tends to write about his own experiences, not to make things up.

The Queen of Love has flown again To seek her daughter

Oh, this whole part is so charming. I haven’t the foggiest idea whom or what he might be singing about(*), even though it’s certainly a metaphor, but the words themselves sound so so beautiful put together - it kind of reminds me of ‘Stairway to Heaven’ in how the words sound magical but try as you might you cannot explain their meaning. And it’s okay.

(*) Okay, not quite true. In fact, I have at least two possible interpretations (unlike with STH, where I genuinely believe the lyrics were meant to be abstract and that’s the whole point). But I’ll keep them private, I think. But maybe notice the words ‘again’ and ‘to seek’. Especially ‘again’ - for me that’s where it’s at.

Who must lie beside the thief Whose golden tongue she will believe Defies the order

Okaaaaay. A lot to unpack here - especially considering the metaphor started in the first two lines is still unclear to us. Keeping the Jimbert in mind (always), ‘the thief’ is clearly an echo of ‘who stole the keys to the gates of the castle of love’ (’Calling To You’ from RP’s Fate of Nations, written a year prior). The connection doesn’t help much, because it doesn’t clarify who exactly is the thief - but I’d say it’s one of them either way. (Maybe Robert himself isn’t so sure, thus phrasing it as a question, ‘Who stole the keys...?’ - just a thought).

Then, ‘whose golden tongue she will believe defies the order’ - I don’t think ‘golden tongue’ here means lies so much as beautiful words, maybe promises. Also notice ‘golden’ instead of traditionally used ‘silver’, which, meter-wise, would have worked just as well. ‘Golden’ is very definitely an attribute of Robert’s - as well as being skilled with words is a quality of his. So in this case, ‘the thief’ might be Robert himself (or I can be way off the mark, but, you know, that’s always a possibility, so).

Notice the phrasing ‘she will believe’ - he sounds very sure. Why? Because it’s happened before (see ‘again’ in the stanza above, and many other instances in Robert’s lyrics over the years - repetition is a big thing for him, and them in particular). Also notice in the line, ‘who must lie beside the thief’ - there was never any choice, whoever ‘she’ is, she cannot change what happens or fight it. It’s about fate. It’s also about sex, and love, and possibly equality, or at the very least togetherness (towards the end of the song he changes the words and already sings she ‘must lie beneath the thief’ which is interesting).

‘...she will believe defies the order’: what order? Most likely, the cycle of comings and goings, of being together and then inevitably parting again - that is the natural order of things in the Jimbert canon (referred to in a number of songs), and that is the crux of the conflict also. She will believe, once again, that they’ll stay together this time, and then she’ll get her heart broken, once again - and at least one of them knows this from the very start (this is 1994). But even the singer, who knows it’s not to last, still hopes against all hope that maybe it might (see next stanza).

Oh, that is why Oh, that is why Shall we dance and never stop Take my hand and stop the clock From turning over

‘Shall we dance and never stop’ - ‘dancing’ has been commented on lots of times in all the analyses so I’m not repeating it here. But again, this is a question, wistful rather than hopeful, reflecting the singer’s heart’s true desire in that moment. If you think about it, he’s not actually offering a forever to the addressee, he’s really already lamenting the impossibility of this forever.

Then, ‘Take my hand and stop the clock from turning over’ - a continuation of the thought from the previous stanza: the singer knows he can’t go against his own nature (which compels him to be constantly moving and ‘turning turning’), and this is a desperate plea for his lover to do something to break the cycle and freeze the time in this perfect moment (which the lover would gladly fucking do, as we know, were it actually possible).

And spirit weave, spirit bend In the move that has no end That we must follow Oh, oh

Well, this is about the symbol of eternity, I think it’s quite obvious - the endless cycle they cannot escape, and all that. (Compare with, ’These are the seasons of emotion / And like the wind they rise and fall’ from the Rain Song)

Show me your eyes Oh light of the sun

’Speak to me only with your eyes’ (duh). Also, in the Rain Song, if we are so inclined, we may find another line that echoes the way he addresses his lover: ‘You are the sunlight in my growing’. I know there are other takes on the Rain Song in the Jimbert analyses, but I personally always read these lines as addressed to Jimmy, especially the speaking ‘only with your eyes’ (I mean if we read the Rain Song as Jimbert at all, that is. Which on this blog, we do.).

Touch me with fire My mind is undone All life inspire My freedom has come I drift through desire My wonderful one

I don’t quite get the ‘all life inspire’ bit grammatically, to be honest. Any native speakers who can rephrase it so it’s clearer and less poetic? But as for the next line, I think it’s quite significant that RP regarded the Page/Plant period as a time he could finally feel free (/freer). Even though, paradoxically, in the very next stanza he says ‘you can never let it show’. Still, something had changed in his attitude, in the way he felt about the whole thing, perhaps. Compare with ALS, where he longed for ‘the sweet refrain’ and a freedom ��to ride the wind / to tread the air above the din’. Maybe this time it was different because ‘the shackles of commitment’ had indeed fallen (I don’t believe he was dating/living with anyone at the time?) Maybe it’s about them doing the touring on their own terms this time, but considering the context I believe it is about matters of the heart. I don’t really know, but the main thing is that he apparently felt this way - free at last.

When you do what you do I can never, never, never let you go And when you feel the way you feel You can never, no, never let it show ... ... That is why, that is why That is why, that is why

Well, this is it for today. If you’ve reached this paragraph, thanks for staying (and bearing XD) with me. I don’t know who needed to hear all this, but I sure needed to get it out. Turns out the song is not so idyllic and blissful as it might seem at a glance, is it? Still, how beautiful.

#jimbert #fun with lyrics #digging deeper #i have zero proof for any of this i hope you realise #jimbert meta

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duchessofostergotlands · 3 years

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Hi, jess! A couple of months ago I sent you an ask about a reality tv show (the farm) and a participant who has bpd (she didn’t win the 1 million price, btw - but she was so happy when she found out that a good portion of the public supported her, specially women ❤️ she’s famous because of only fans and most of her followers on social media, before her participation on the show, were men. So she said she was happy to see so many women supporting and following her now). Anyway while watching the show, I realized many of her behaviors were so similar to mine. Then my mom and sister, who live with me, told me they noticed that too. I decided to ask my psychiatrist and psychologist (I’ve been dealing with depression for the past 10 years), but both didn’t give it much credit. At the time I agreed with them - they said I probably don’t have bpd because the behaviors I was describing only happens when I’m home, with people I trust. I’m very “controlled” when I’m with other people, including my dad (who hasn’t lived with me since I was a kid). The point is, I’m ALWAYS making a huge effort trying to control myself in public - it’s exhausting and I believe it’s one of the reasons I tend to isolate myself. I think I’ve actually learned to camouflage my feelings and to avoid things that trigger me. I used to be more “uncontrolled” as a kid, before I created this deep rooted fear that people’d leave me because of these behaviors and reactions. Do you think it’s possible to camouflage some of bpd’s symptoms? And, if so, do you have any tips on how I could talk to my psychiatrist and psychologist about it? —— I didn’t want to make this ask any longer than it already is, but one of my childhood friends was recently diagnosed with autism. We don’t talk much nowadays, but she messaged me last month to tell me about her diagnosis and to ask if I felt I had some of the same treats - thinking retrospectively, we were very alike. It made a lot of sense and I remembered you said sth about bpd and autism sharing some similarities in some aspects of how the brain works. She also told me about recent studies showing the underreported diagnosis in women. My psychiatrist and psychologist also dismissed it, because I don’t avoid eye contact and have friends. I’m really confused right now, but it’s also kinda relieving to get to know myself a bit more and to think that the struggle I’ve felt my whole life is real. (Sorry for the long text!)

Hey :) Sorry it’s taken me so long to get back to you. Just like to be able to dedicate a bit of time to longer messages like this and I rarely have the attention span for it! But of course I remember the conversation, it was really interesting to hear about what the contestant went through.

So yes, BPD and autism are often misdiagnosed as each other as there are similar traits that are often found. Usually around attractions to patterns and structure and also around empathy. Like I don’t generally feel empathy for people in the same way most people do. I’d say unless you’re a close friend or family member - or maybe if you’re a child - I probably wouldn’t feel empathy towards you. I generally make decisions about moral standpoints and such based on what logically makes sense to me rather than any kind of emotional connection because I just don’t really feel that. I think the reasons autistic people may sometimes struggle with empathy are different but to an external person would seem very similar so can often be confused.

To address your two points that made you unsure about the diagnoses, BPD is definitely highly interpersonal so it can change drastically depending on who you’re with. I can be friends with someone for quite a while and they have no idea but if I’m in a romantic or physical relationship with someone they’ll know within a few days. Romantic relationships are my personal trigger so they’re where I struggle the most. Then in terms of autism, lack of eye contact doesn’t really mean anything. I think that’s a common misconception people have but two of my cousins are autistic and they were both very outgoing and friendly, they were incredibly tactile, I didn’t notice them not looking me in the eye but I probably don’t look people in the eye much because that feels weird haha. Women in particular are not well studied when it comes to autism as you kind of mentioned. They are generally better at “masking” and so are often misdiagnosed or their condition isn’t picked up until well into adulthood. So even if you have friends and can look people in the eye it wouldn’t necessarily mean you wouldn’t fit the criteria.

I wouldn’t want to diagnose you with anything myself as I’m not a professional and I don’t know you personally. The DSM outlines the criteria for being diagnosed with BPD. You have to demonstrate at least five of the following and as with all mental illnesses they have to cause a significant impact on your ability to carry out your responsibilities and go through daily life:

Chronic feelings of emptiness

Emotional instability in reaction to day-to-day events (e.g., intense episodic sadness, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)

Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment

Identity disturbance with markedly or persistently unstable self-image or sense of self

Impulsive behavior in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating)

Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)

Pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by extremes between idealization and devaluation (also known as "splitting")

Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-harming behavior

Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.

Those are the criteria that would most likely be used to assess you. In the UK we can be diagnosed with depression and anxiety by a GP but have to go to a psychiatrist or psychologist to get a PD diagnosis. It sounds like you’ve already been in contact with them. I’m not too sure how it works where you are. Can you get a second opinion? Are there other doctors you could make an appointment with? Could you go private? I’m very aware of the fact that having the NHS in the UK means that my experiences are not applicable to everyone’s circumstances but for me when I first went to get help I was given meds and a depression and anxiety diagnosis and sent on my way. When that didn’t help I went back and got a higher dosage. And then it still didn’t help and finally I was kind of at rock bottom (or I thought so at the time) and needed help and so what I did on that occasion was have a friend accompany me into the room. They had created a list of things they’d seen me do or heard about me doing that were concerning to them and gave them to the doctor, and they kind of backed me up and gave me moral support. It shouldn’t have taken someone else being in the room for me to be taken seriously but having someone there who could express what I might have been too shy or self conscious to say was really helpful. In the end I got referred for treatment and it wasn’t right for me ultimately as my problems were more complex but it helped for a bit. I don’t know if there’s anyone in your life you trust to be able to be there to support you but I think it can be really intimidating to push back with doctors and professionals and having someone there who knows you and cares about you can be the thing that gives you that extra bit of courage you need.

I’m not sure how helpful that is but I’m available if you want to ask me any questions about BPD or any explanations of how I experience the symptoms or anything like that :)

#ask #anon #non royal #mental health #mental illness #actually bpd #actually borderline #bpd #borderline personality disorder

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menalez · 2 years

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Sorry if this is a weird question but since moving to Germany are you learning German through private classes/uni classes or whatever, apps such as duolingo or are you just picking it up as you go along. I really want to learn another language but im not sure where to start 😫😫

before coming to germany i did use Duolingo & also for a month in bahrain i had online german classes (not one-on-one bc those are rly expensive but like a class with others online) ! if u wanna learn a language i really would recommend to only use Duolingo as supplementary and getting online classes if physical classes (from my experience those are cheaper and more worth it than online ones) aren’t possible. when i used Duolingo alone i was basically only able to maintain my german and learn very tiny bits & pieces instead of seeing significant improvement. it basically mostly helps at increasing ur vocabulary & in german it also helps w sentence formation & basic rules & the artikel (der, die, das) for each word

also if u consider using goethe institut’s online classes beware: it’s really fucking expensive and it’s sorta misleading on their website. i got this one “german skills” class where u basically teach urself and it was like 150 euros and u basically get this online workbook with little explanation and it’s incredibly difficult to do alone esp when ur at a lower german level. i then paid for their “one-on-one” classes which were SEVEN HUNDRED EUROS. i thought for that price id get a one-on-one teacher but what u actually get is that same workbook, and the ability to *email* a teacher an unlimited amount of times. you also get two calls with a teacher which span sth like an hour each. when i realised that i got a refund. their only actual online classes are the group classes which i couldn’t take bc they were late and you basically have to wait some time to be able to join it. imo not worth it even if they’re known as the best… perhaps if ur really rich then maybe go for it but i saw it as a waste of money and got a refund for both the independent learning and “one on one” sessions stuff. i was able to find german online classes of 3-ish hours every weekday for like 300 euros per month which is far more reasonable and similar to the goethe pricing for a damn workbook (which also u only have access to for like 2 months lmao)

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seoafin · 3 years

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/&/&@2@3@3 i decided im not opening any socials when im half sleep anymore 😐 BC I JUST NOTICED IT BYE

anyways,,, my thoughts on jjk 146 b4 i log off again // (1)

this chapter just rly sheds a light on why their academic scores are the way they are sjjsjsjsj

on objective judgements of power i have to say i trust maki, who's never rly shown bias, the most among the students ,, when she says yuuta is the strongest, yuuta is the strongest,,, likewise, i sometimes dont trust yuuta, who sometimes doesnt trust in himself 😔

i don't think i have thoughts for this chp that i haven't already considered before ??? *squints* did i miss sth

are non shamans aware of the game tho... they're all just cursed, right, but ,,, do they know it..

i increasingly feel that megumi knows sth and is not spitting it out bc how many times has he very transparently deflected this chapter,, also idk if it was intentional but the way the hokkaido discussion put a bubble right on top of his face

alao how tf do u just casually curse the majority of jpn?? wild,, i hope the ainu do play a significant role down the line tho. i wonder with kurisu hand involvement if we will also see another shaman faction emerge since there's some degree of tieback to religion

and not megumi being blase abt his death! his ‘yeah whatever if i die it'll be fine’ was the least convincing thing ever!!! he’s so casual abt the idea sukuna could use him like,, what are u thinking megumi ,, then again he knows sukuna doesn't want him dead rn

since ppl are talking about nanamis CT,, maybe it's that all CTs belong to a single pool, there can only ever be one holder of the ability at a time so there's a restricted number of abilities and that's what also accounts for the small number of shamans

tengen’s barrier presumably works bc shamans agree it participate voluntarily,, it makes sure CTs remain in the pool. CTs rotate out at certain intervals, checking each other, bc the amount of cursed spirits also rises according to shaman power lvls

which makes me wonder if the golden age was a reaction to sukuna's growth in power, except that his fingers remain, the power is still circulating and kenjaku is out being an asshole. so 10 shadow, 6 eyes, curse manipulation all at the same time is maybe a reaction to kenjaku’s power plays

depends on how many of these super long living shamans there are too,, many of them have elemental powers or powers related to keeping the shaman world in check,, re: techniques and curse manipulation

imo there's also a suggested convergence where at some point a shaman hits critical mass and starts to tip over into cursed spirit territory. like,,, ur cells become so saturated by that cursed energy it starts to eat and replace ur actual mass and cursed spirits with a bunch of cursed energy become more capable of emotional nuance and approach a more "human" feeling ,,, idk. balance is clearly more literal and more relevant than we thought

ainu (irl and probs here too) are an indigenous group that reside in hokkaido. if we’re basing on recent laws and the fact that hokkaido is home to many many sacred sites based on their spiritual belief of gods manifesting as anything from nature,,, so if we look at in from jjk and shaman society perspective, it’s only right that tokyo/kyoto shaman society have no hold on hokkaido.

and based from the tensions in the past due to the government (irl), i doubt ainu shaman tech aren’t as open and prone to control as tokyo or kyoto are

i hope i’m not overlapping my thoughts with phantom seer that i’m catching up to rn bc it also involves shamanism sjsjjeen - 🐱 (2)

seeing the ainu panel made me excited because I think that that means that the ainu may be getting a special spotlight later on

DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON MEGUMI!!! I WAS SO UPSET!! i know he likely did it to protect yuji and everyone but im still so....like that’s the last thing he wanted. all he wants is to live and protect his friends and tsumiki....

yeah...the last panel had me thinking about nanami’s cursed technique. it would be interesting if CT’s could be traded or smt, but I always thought CT’s were something inherent and unique to the individual but who knows at this point

i want more on the zenin clan politics and how exactly megumi became head. also very very interesting that gojo’s presence was the only thing keeping the “shared” armory stocked. the minute gojo was sealed they took back the weapons and dipped. i wonder why it was created in the first place!!

#the way you roasted EVERYONE #thank you golden kamuy for educating me on the ainu #megumi really went yeah i might die. anyway.#IM SO WORRIED FOR ALL OF THEM #🐱 anon

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tenbees · 4 years

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(1) hi!! this may be a really dumb question but you seem kinda knowledgable and i really want to learn bc i’m clueless. basically, i’ve always wondered what the purpose (for lack of better word) was behind lesbian femme/butch roles? like ik it’s historically pretty significant, but is there a particular “revolutionary” reason behind a masculine person and feminine person being paired together and it being such an iconic part of lesbian herstory? like ik that gender non-conformity is p important

(2) within women, specifically lesbians, especially as a way to signal to other women/lesbians that they are, well, lesbian. it’s also rebelling against assigned cultural and gender roles and the idea that femininity is required to be a “real” woman, and also mainly bc most people assume feminine women and girls are het. but like, there are some lesbians who are feminine themselves and mainly like other feminine women/lesbians. is this a “wrong” or incorrect/narrow minded pairing somehow?

(3) are feminine-presenting lesbians somehow “less” revolutionary than, say, a gnc bi or straight woman? and like, w the femme/butch complementary roles within lesbianism, is this to show that a masc/feminine pairing isn’t inherently hetero/doesn’t exclusively belong to het couples? are feminine lesbians who date other feminine lesbians betraying lesbian culture and appeasing straight men somehow just bc they want to be feminine for each other? i’ve just always wondered about this and

(4) i’m a woman who presents pretty feminine, although if it were up to me i’d just be like. casual feminine. maybe a snapback or sth. but i am attracted to other feminine women and i don’t particularly have a desire to “look good” for a butch/masculine-presenting woman in a sort of complementary yin and yang role/dynamic, i.e “strong butch and soft femme” stereotypes which we see often in the lesbian community. so i was curious about your thoughts on this. thank you and sorry for the spam! 🌷

😭 i’m such a bad person to ask any questions about butch/femme because tbh i don’t really get it.

i think the historical reason for the pairing is that there really was no model for lesbian relationships, so women defaulted to a relationship model that resembled heterosexuality–butches and femmes had to date each other, butches who were fucked by another butch were ridiculed and feminized, people who didn’t fit into either category were seen as outsiders and called kikis, butches had to pursue femmes, etc, but with a little more fluidity because people would sometimes have different roles in different relationships. i think this is a contentious thing to say because it implies that butches are like men but… i’m not sure how you could argue that a system where masculine people Have to date feminine people isn’t drawing deliberate parallels to heterosexuality? especially when people in that time period said that it was safer to be out in public when at first glance you looked like a man and a woman? and i don’t think saying that there are obvious parallels is the same as saying that butches Are men. butches and femmes will also talk about how they each play different roles in the relationship–the butch protects the femme, the femme is a safe place for the butch, the femme protects the butch by existing at her side as a ‘respectable’ looking woman, etc.

i don’t think it’s intended to show that masc/fem couples aren’t inherently het or to rebel against gender norms (although people will say that femmes are revolutionary because they perform femininity for women and not men which i do Not get because the world doesn’t care why you wear a dress & makeup so long as you do it)–people will talk about how they knew deep inside that they were always femme/butch, that they always felt drawn towards protecting feminine women, that they always wanted to give themselves to a masculine woman, etc. i don’t really get it lol and i think @a-real-lesbian-speaks said this mooonths ago, but when i see poetry about like… work boots next to stilettos or a butch needing the arms of a femme and a bunch of people saying that it made them emotional and they can relate so much, i feel the same way that i do when queer people talk about their gender identities tbh. it seems like some internal lesbian-specific gender experience that needs that yin/yang complement and i literally don’t understand when people talk about it, but there you go lol.

i think feminine lesbians disobey cultural standards more than gnc bihet women, but it is a weird question to me because calling one more revolutionary than the other sort of gets into… homosexuality as revolution, when it’s just something we’re born with and that is given this deviant, rebel status by society. feminine lesbians and gnc bihet women also deal with different problems, so it feels like comparing apples and oranges to me.

also, it isn’t narrow-minded to be a feminine woman attracted to other feminine women! butch/femme is a subculture that tbh has gained this weird revered status on tumblr. the amount of people who talk about it compared to the amount of people who actually participate in it is very disproportionate, at least from what i’ve seen. there are many, many lesbians who are neither of them and we can go be confused in our own little corner lol. and who you’re attracted to or choose to date shouldn’t be political anyway.

#it's so weird to me how butch/femme has gained this Mythical status on tumblr #radfems historically thought butch/femme was regressive but now a lot of tumblr radfems worship it #i'm not saying some larpers have latched onto it bc it's stereotypically lesbian and bc it superficially resembles heterosexuality #so is more comfortable to them #but.......#Anonymous

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rebelwith0utacause · 4 years

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hey! just wanted to thank you for your advice on posting fics. I'll try to remember it, but I always have an issue with the "hyping it up" part of it. I never have an issue with saying I'm proud of it when I post it, but I never want to seem greedy or like I'm forcing people to read things. Even reblogging it feels like I'm saying 'come on, read it!' even tho I just do it in case people haven't seen it yet. anyway idk what the point of this was but ty i'll think abt what you and crystal said!!

That’s okay, I think you’re going for the organic approach more (from what I’ve seen). But let me give you a few pointers.

I know that you only post your works on ao3 (totally fine) but not many people click through when you post a link here. I’ll give you an example through Facebook. Basically Zuck realised that when ppl post links on FB, when another user clicks to open that link, they close it pretty fast (before it can make any significant change for the site they’re visiting) because the loading time turns them off and they’d rather read sth that’s already served to them on a silver platter. The logistics behind this whole thing are that when you click an external link you are leaving FB and it takes a while to establish a connection with the physical server that is hosting this other site that you wanna visit, and to get all of that information back to you. For the record, a Brazilian site might have a server in Alaska or sth. So he invented Instant Articles. The entire premise was that the sites can now recreate their web pages on Facebook’s platform so that when someone clicks on a link to open an IA, it’s an internal link and you don’t even leave FB, meaning the page loads instantly and FB and the site share the profit of the ads.

In terms of your fics, there’s that, but there’s also the fact that the whole appearance of a link on Tumblr is kinda shitty. Maybe a better way to do it would be to post a pic and link the fic in the description below? Just a thought! I mean if you’re not comfortable with actually posting the fic here. You can try what works best :)))

As for the hype, it doesn’t have to be invasive. You can start it off by starting a discourse earlier, kinda like what @tigerteeff did for the sub!Ash one for you. You can say you’re writing something juicy, not all of the users will notice but some will. And they’ll be anticipating something from you. Just write about your writing progress/how you feel about writing it, and the hype will happen on its own.

Honestly tho, your big brain works in a way that you produce such HQ fics, your name is a hype in and of itself. <3

#love you em!#cravinsomethinsweeter #asks

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oracleofimladris · 5 years

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An Apology

To everyone who’s been around to day and who’s had the misfortune of wondering what in the hell has been going on.

Below the cut as this is going to be lengthy af, just for the record.

Simply put: I was not aware, that on a website where the main medium by which people communicate is reblogs, that there were people who assumed that their followers would not reblog their posts.

Sometime last night or this morning, I reblogged a post from elerondo in the form of a family tree - which I mistakenly assumed was a canon depiction, but was in fact, a personal headcanon (a headcanon they did not which to see reblogged at all).

After doing this, as it was still quite early, I continued with my morning roll-call of social media (tumblr, facebook, instagram, snapchat, discord, etc), and proceeded to the bathroom, and then to shower. Upon exiting the shower, as I sat my ass down, wrapped in a towel and drying, I checked my phone again, and noticed at some point in the last hour, I had received a tumblr message - or three to be exact. You see, I couldn’t have noticed this earlier, as I don’t have notifications enabled on any form of social media. I don’t like to be tied to my phone, and I found that when I did previously, I spent more time on my phone than I would have liked.

The messages are as follows:

Now, these could of course be interpreted as polite, however, I personally felt more like this took the tone of a 3rd and final warning, as opposed to a first interaction.

Note: I have never before today spoken to the owner of this blog, as you can tell from the lack of messages prior to this morning.

Now, despite the very stiff tone of those messages, my initial reaction was to immediately delete the post, and to then go back to the message to reply and say that I had done so, only to find that I could send a message back.

I thought several things:

- Maybe they don’t have messages enabled (unlikely as they had sent me a message).

- Maybe they enabled it to send the message and disabled it immediately after (again, unlikely, I told myself, as tumbler would probably has deleted the message or something).

- Maybe I have universal messages enabled, whereas they only have “followers” enabled (which, again, is strange, because I was following them, but still, I thought maybe I didn’t remember the options clearly, and opted to send an ask instead).

The ask would have read something as follows:

The post was deleted. Could you at least tell me why, since I’m not a fan of one-sided conversations that benefit no one, and I can’t seem to send you a message back?

Note: I can’t confirm the exact wording as I didn’t copy the message before sending it.

Note: I thought it funny that the blog wasn’t loading as I went to send the ask from mobile, but let’s all be honest here, who hasn’t experienced technical difficulties with tumblr - especially tumblr mobile?

I thought it was weird, but I was in the bathroom, in the innermost part of our appartment, in a giant building made on concrete. I could be sitting by the window sometimes and not get cell reception, much less expect the wifi to travel all the way down the hall is still function at maximum capacity. So yeah, I let it go.

I got up. I dried my hair. I got dressed. I made my bed and sat down at my computer... But a thought was still nagging at me. The blog was still not loading properly on my phone an hour later, so I loaded the message on my computer. Fine. I checked the blog. Fine. I clicked-through on the pm. Bingo!

Nothing. Or whatever the tumblr message is for “you’re not seeing anything here because you’ve been blocked.”

At this point, I won’t lie, I was pretty insulted. In under an hour, I’d been sassed and blocked by someone I’ve literally never spoken to in my life, for doing nothing more than what’s expected of all of us on this god-forsaken hellsite - reblogging a post.

I was upset - angry, even - but I was nearly content to leave it be. However, going back to my first point that the messages struck me as though they were saying “you should know this.”

So I went back to the post and read it over again... No warning. I checked the tags... No warning. I checked the blog description... No warning. I checked their about page... No warning. I checked their rules page... No warning. Something similar about “interactions” - threads? - but nothing about headcanons. No warning whatsoever that this person didn’t want their headcanons reblogged.

Hence the posts you saw from me here, and on my other blog, regarding the reblog function being the cornerstone of tumblr (and elerondo, more like elerond-no).

I decided to take the matter up with a few friends. I thought, yknow, maybe I’m over-reacting? Maybe I imagined this entire slight? Maybe the message I sent is what made them block me? I don’t even know...

I recounted what happened - to a handful of people now - and each of them weighed in, each of them claiming that they hade never before heard of people not wanting their headcanons reblogged - despite this clearly being what OP was upset about.

Note also that while I made these posts on my own blogs, blogs that were blocked by the OP, I was greeted with notes from a certain thisblogisgettingdeleted.

Now listen, I wouldn’t normally have made a fuss of it, but as this person insta-blocked me (effectively making sure I wouldn’t have a means to reply to them with), but made the very clear effort to make sure I knew they’d seen my messages, I felt rightly insulted.

At this point, I decided that since the only way to communicate with them would be through a blog that wasn’t blocked, I’d need to create a new one, and in order for the message to be posted if they ever replied to it the message would need to be anonymous.

That said, it certainly didn’t come out as nicely as my first message would have:

I made this side-blog for the express purpose to reiterrating my original message, and informing them that they were mistaken in assuming that it was “common knowledge” that people shouldn’t reblog headcanons. And that I thought their manner of going about things was childish at best, though obviously left that part out.

To this, they responded as follows:

Now, I don’t know if everyone is reading this the same way as me, but my first and foremost impression of this, upon reading it was that “first of all, I wasn’t passive-aggressive. I was full-on aggressive,” struck me as an odd choice of words.

Surely, being full-on aggressive shouldn’t be something to brag about?

Note the following “you can’t accept that I blocked you,” preceeded by their creating of a side-blog to not only revisit my blog, but to interact there as well.

Followed closely by myself not being civil for not sending them a simple message... Note the steps I had to go through for them to even get this one.

Here they mention messaging me with their request, and their request not being met... An hour, guys. A single fucking hour - in which I shit you not, I was in the shower. That’s what I was given to respond to this. And yo, that’s the amount of time between when I checked my tumblr. That’s not even guaranteeing they sent me that message right after I switched apps. For all I know it could have been 30 minutes, or less.

Note: “do not reblog my ooc posts if it doesn’t include you,” still does not refer to headcanons, and I foresee them having this exact problem again in the future.

Now I was presumed to be online because I was still reblogging things... A mistake on our dear OPs part. Dears and dolls, if you’ve been following me for any significant period of time, then you know my queue is always full. Ergo, my blog is always running, even when I’m not around.

For this person whom I have never spoken to to assume anything about my life, much less to assume that I’m around to cater to their every whim, frankly astounds me. Even if I was online, which I wasn’t, I wouldn’t necessarily have seen the message right away eg. if I was on my computer and had a dozen or more tabs open, if I was in the process of looking at another blog, which cuts off the tool bar, or whatever other scenario.

Following this post, several comments were added by both OP and a follower of theirs:

After comments like these, I’m supposed to believe that “a message saying [I] have deleted of sth would have sufficed for [them] to unblock?”

Highly. Doubtful.

That said, I took it upon myself to also message the person in these comments, as they clearly weren’t going to waste any more time than OP did in finding out what happened.

As you can see from the following, they fare no better:

Blocked. Again.

Deserved? At this point, I don’t even care.

For those who were around to see it, my response to elerondo’s post was made on my personal dump as it was the only place associated with my main blog that would be able to post it.

For those who didn’t, you can find it HERE, or below:

In the end, I’m not writing this because I want this shit to keep going. I’m writing it because I got a lot of advice from various different people and the truth is this...

TL;DR:

The apology is for those of you who’ve been wondering what’s going on all day, not for the persons involved.

I did not send the message anonymously because I wanted to be anonymous. I really don’t care either way, because what I did was was not wrong. In no way is reblogging a god damn post on tumblr, of all places, wrong. However, the initial response I got, and the confirmation that it was indeed meant to be aggressive, have shown me that elerondo - and likely the company they keep as well - have no interest in being polite, or even in remaining civil, but instead are quick to insult and play the victim.

In essence...

Talk shit.

Get hit.

And if you can’t handle it, you probably shouldn’t be on the internet.

Sincerely,

Me.

#LONG AS POST #but probably the most detailed thing you'll get #because OP clearly doesn't care to wait around for more than half an hour for an explanation #andii's stuff

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leftnipsdoodles · 5 years

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here’s my thoughts on villains ‘deserving’ a redemption arc (but also i end up just rambling abt uc4):

a redemption arc shouldnt be the end all be all. redemption isnt the only character development a villain can go through. there’s positive AND negative development, not to mention there’s stagnant characters too

and redemption just isnt interesting for all of them, plain and simple. if a villain e.g. has murdered the protag’s family bc of a genuine moral code they follow, then i think it can be terribly boring to have their story revolve around changing those morals and instead seeing it the protagonist’s way

in fact, i find the assumption of ‘our heroes are right, their moral code is right, anyone who doesn’t follow it is wrong’ pretty stupid. it’s extremely one-sided. obviously, it works for a lot of media, but not all of it.

im thinking, e.g., if rafe from uncharted 4 had gotten this treatment, it wouldve ruined his entire character AS WELL AS nathan’s & sam’s. our protags here aren’t saints. they kill and steal and take advantage of ppl for their own ambitions. even when nate goes on to lead a ‘more moral’ life, he still does it to satisfy his desire for adventure. it’s still selfish, to a degree. he’s just found a more stable way to go about it. rafe wasn’t much different from the two (more like the other side of the same coin), but more unhinged.

nate and sam wanted adventure. they wanted the action. they didn’t care what other ppl did or didn’t know, as long as they knew it themselves. they’ve always lived on the outskirts of society anyway. rafe on the other hand was born into the spotlight. he wants the adventure too, but only if he gets the recognition for it. he wants to BE someone. he wants an identity that isn’t ‘his parents’ son’. our protagonists AND our villain don’t have noble ambitions. they’re just that: ambitions. it’s neutral. there’s no real objective judgement to make here.

which is why i think rafe is one of the best villains ever written. he’s undeniably a bastard, but he’s human. he doesn’t have a tragic backstory, he’s just a guy who grew up never having to prove anything / having anything he achieves invalidated bc of his background (even our protag is guilty of this!). and it made him miserable, bc deep down all of us want to be our own person. we want to achieve sth. and along the way of trying to become someone, he was blind to all the things he already excelled at (like smooth talking or fencing). or maybe those just weren’t things he himself managed to value, bc they weren’t what he WANTED to be good at. like i said, it’s very human. (and also a central theme of the game: wants vs needs and if and how we can combine the two)

if, at the end of uc4, rafe had been redeemed. he had said ‘you’re right nate, and i’m wrong, i’m sorry for everything i did and it’s not gonna happen again’, it would’ve been unbelievable. bc he wasn’t wrong. and neither was nate. it would’ve simplified the issue, which might’ve been fine in a work that wasn’t aiming for realism in its themes, but not this one.

having rafe be stubborn, having him give in to his anger and obsession, it was a believable conclusion. i wouldn’t have wanted to see a rafe whose complex personality was cast aside for an ostensibly ‘happy’ ending. (also it wouldve ruined the whole ‘is it or isn’t it’ concerning the pirate curse bc ooohh that was some good shit lmao anyway) and it’s also interesting bc it mimics sam’s conclusion: both sam and rafe couldn’t let go of their wants for their needs, in the end. and the fact that one of them gets to live like that while the other has to die bc of it, just shows further that it’s more complex than ‘this is the right/wrong way to live’.

sam: you don’t deserve it rafe: you do? last i checked, we’re all a bunch of thieves digging around where we shouldn’t

^that exchange is rly what it all comes down to. we, the player, ARE on the drakes’ side. we do think they’re the ones who deserve it, bc we’ve been playing their story. we know that avery’s treasure is sth so important to their family; we know they’ve been after it since they were kids, basically; we know it has a connection to their late mother, whom they both hold in such high regard; we know sam was in prison for 15 years for this treasure and that it’s the only dream/hope he had during this time. it’s incredibly personal. but just because we know all this, just because emotionally we’re on their side, doesn’t mean that makes them right. they don’t ACTUALLY deserve the treasure. it’s not theirs just bc it holds emotional significance to them. it had emotional significance to rafe, too. and if we had been playing rafe’s story instead, if we had seen him grow up and what the fame of finding this treasure would give HIM; would we still be on the drakes’ side? or on his? how would we judge his ruthlessness and his ambitions then? would we be talking about the drakes’ ‘deserving’ a redemption arc and to see things his way?

im clearly struggling to put my thoughts on this into comprehensible words so uhhh i just hope y’all get the gist lol

#delete later

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roominthecastle · 6 years

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“Anybody can become angry, that is easy; but to be angry with the right person, and to the right degree, and at the right time, and for the right purpose, and in the right way, that is not within everybody’s power, that is not easy.” - Aristotle, The Art of Rhetoric

Well, look at that ancient Greek dude rolling out a pitch-perfect summary of - what I currently consider to be - Liz’s core issue on TBL. My core issue is that I cannot keep things brief, so I’ll poke this some more bc damn S5 was so much better than I expected, and it left me with an urge to try and sort this canon mess into sth I can swallow.

What’s the deal with Liz, why is her relationship with Red in such a terrible shape at the end of S5, and why is that a likely promise of better things to come?

It’s possible to look at this deterioration as a more or less continuous (organic!) process that reaches back at the very beginning; a process to which both characters have contributed their fair share over the years and now they are reaping the consequences and setting themselves up for a potentially healing collision.

I. Liz has narcissistic traits. Red is a natural born charmer with closely-guarded secrets and a pervasive guilt-complex. Putting them together is like putting mints in a bottle of coke: even on a perfect sunny day it's the kind of fun that leaves a mess.

II. Liz’s traits are amplified by Red’s behavior and Red’s behavior is warped by Tom’s presence. When Red scales things back (i.e. stops going on guilt-trips whenever others don’t feel like facing the consequences of their actions), it only makes things worse. This is the dark side of their intense "lock and key" dynamic, the deep angst pit that has been fore-fronted since S3B due to a rapid sequence of betrayals Red suffers from those closest to him. Tom triggers both empathy and repulsion in him, which in turn feeds his self-hatred and prompts him to keep enabling Liz out of guilt, creating an unsustainable bubble that finally bursts in S5.

III. The current name of the game for Liz is repression and denial, for Red it’s still obsession and rumination. At any given time Liz works off of a partial image of him, which is less about him keeping things from her and more about her purposefully ignoring parts of him in a misguided and doomed attempt to keep an illusion of safe simplicity (she does this with Tom, too). Meanwhile Red displays clear signs of compassion fatigue, which comes with its own destructive habits and distortions of reality.

IV. Sprinters are bad at running marathons. This simple truth has been a background tension factor in the Red/Liz relationship from the get-go. It’s mirrored in Red’s earlier troubles with Madeline and in Liz’s “Tom problem”. It keeps them united yet out of sync, which leads to misunderstandings, doubts, and quite a lot of friction.

more on these behind the cut:

I. Liz has narcissistic traits. Red is a natural born charmer.

Liz has a narcissistic streak and a tendency to delude herself as a messed-up coping mechanism, all of which she voices right off the bat in the pilot episode when Cooper asks her to profile herself (and to give us a brief intro to the character). These manifest chiefly as

(1) angry, aggressive outbursts (2) a sense of entitlement/egocentrism (3) blame-shifting

and she displays these traits to varying degrees throughout the show.

Now add to these the standard “Reddington Effect” that gets pointed out by other characters, articulating what Liz has been feeling since day one:

“There's no one on earth who can make a woman feel like the center of his universe more than Raymond Reddington.” (204)

“I was star-struck. It was exciting and captivating and... it consumed me. My work, my marriage.” (411)

We can also witness this "soft power” in action when Red approaches Zoe, Berlin’s daughter, to use her against her father. We can see how easily he can charm and pull people in to get what he wants. Sometimes it hilariously backfires - as it should - but that’s beside the point rn. The point is, Liz seems to receive this standard treatment, too, and she’s immediately, intensely receptive to it.

We can see both the positive (fascination-attraction) and the negative (rejection-aggression) side of this chemistry early on. She gets exposed to Red’s regular charm routine but it’s ultimately a v different experience because what those women quoted above don’t know (and what Liz still doubts) is that with her, his feelings run very, very deep. She is both the means and the end, the journey and the destination. Neither can walk this road without the other but walk it they must.

II. Liz’s traits are amplified by Red’s behavior and Red’s behavior is warped by Tom’s presence.

Thank God I have Tom, because with you, I never know what to believe. I have never lied to you. How the hell would I know?

Red’s secretive, seductive, guilt-ridden behavior feeds Liz’s narcissistic impulses.

(1) His ingrained "I will never tell you everything” ground rule regularly forms a volatile mix with her proneness to irritability and anger. There are countless examples of this (often understandable) reaction with a wide range that goes from a raised voice to actual physical aggression.

(2) It also clashes with her belief that she's automatically entitled to be told everything, regardless of the possibility that knowing might not make much difference to her but could get others killed, or the fact that she’s often careless w/ sensitive info and sometimes straight-up ignores the answer anyway.

This is an irresponsible and wasteful way of going about getting answers. Wanting to know doesn't entitle anyone to know. It's not at all surprising that Red - whose very life depends on carefully calculated discretion - is rarely fully forthcoming. Still, this is a major source of friction, esp as it seems to run counter to him telling her how special she is and treating her as such with a consistency that most well-adjusted people would fall for. A narcissistic personality like hers stands even less chance. This triggers jealousy and possessiveness very early on, and later engenders a full-blown expectation that when push comes to shove, he would always put her needs above anybody else’s, including his own. This (partially conditioned) expectation is in play e.g. when Tom re-enters her life and also when he violently leaves it again.

(3) Red is also burdened with a lot of chronic guilt which makes him an easy target for blame-shifting by those select few he loves. He often allows Liz to push blame on him for things he is not responsible for and he suffers in silence because “in his heart, he knows he must pay”. This also enables her to delude herself into thinking that he's indeed the unified source of all her problems, which makes her receptive to Mr. Kaplan’s terrible Solution to Nothing that targets him as such. Red has branded himself a “sin eater” and this gets taken full advantage of in a way that veers into emotional abuse. It paves the way for Operation Possum and its fallout that ripples across the next two seasons.

These 3 major negative “lock and key” interactions combine and reach a very unhealthy peak in S3/B. Liz’s thoughtless, pointless fake death stunt pushes Red to an edge he barely manages to pull himself back from, and it throws a wrench in the delicate cogwheels of their relationship where the degree of functionality and “healthiness” has always hinged on proportionate reciprocity (of good and bad alike). The faked death plan is - among other things - so disproportionately cruel and so exceptionally dumb and pointless, it unhinges this interplay.

It shakes Red from his grief- and guilt-induced stupor and cracks his habit of putting Liz on a pedestal. In S4 it is now Dembe who gets to be referred to as the "light in the darkness", which, given the changed circumstances, is a much better arrangement for both Liz and Red. Red would never ask anyone to carry this burden but the truth is, he needs someone like that by his side to keep him from falling to pieces. Dembe is a centered, reliable, well-adjusted person who can carry this heavy weight. Liz can't and she shouldn't, either. Now Dembe needs to be the lighthouse keeper as they navigate their stormy relationship.

On top of pulling Liz from the pedestal, Red also begins to scale back his willingness to play buffer and absorb blame. He pushes back against the kind of behavior he partially conditioned and enabled. He refuses to give in to Mr. Kaplan’s absurd and reckless vendetta that still targets him as the “root of all evil” in Liz’s life. He refuses to keep serving as a scapegoat for Tom’s failings and Liz’s self-imposed blindness, but the most significant “slight” contributing to the big fracture in his relationship with her is his refusal to share the secret of the bag.

“That’s why you’re here. That’s… Not to help me, not to avenge Tom’s death, but to help yourself and get your precious secret back.”

It is less about the secret itself and more about Red prioritizing it above her. She is jealous again but this time it is not directed at a person but at his “precious secret” that ultimately separates him from her, and once again it masquerades as projected and misplaced anger stemming from her deeper desire for their relationship to be close and genuine.

We have been here before when the Fulcrum surfaced:

"That's why you came into my life then. And that's why you're here now. Not because of me or who I am to you, whatever connection we might have, but because of some... object. Some thing."

and after her name gets cleared in S3/B:

I thought maybe after all we've been through the past three months that you might want to take a break. It's a mythic battle, and it's not anywhere close to being over. It's your battle, not mine.

and then again with the bag of bones. “Not me but” is the underlying issue that gets to her in each of these instances and it always manifests as anger.

From her warped perspective (warped by pain, confusion, and narcissism) he is deeply hurting her and taking everything from her to keep himself safe and cozy. It is the complete betrayal of her (partially conditioned but still unreasonable) expectation that he’d always put her and her needs first. In her eyes, this is again proof that their relationship, just like the one with Tom, has been a mere tool, a manufactured illusion, which - coupled with the impostor reveal - must truly mean Red never really cared for her at all.

But her assessment is once again dead wrong because she refuses to take a careful look at all the available information in proper context - a broader context where her personal issues are not the only ones of importance and where Red not bending to her every wish, esp those that make him deeply miserable or an instant murder victim, is not a sign of lack of genuine feelings but of a healthier attitude. She is also projecting anger at her own dishonesty with herself on him, and while it worked back when Red was receptive to it bc it was conducive to his self-flagellation, this messed up coping mechanism is finally breaking down, too, due to his increasing resistance and the multiplying events that signal he was never that alleged single source of evil.

"We want the same thing."

Indeed. It's the need underpinning Liz's anger, the same one Red has already articulated, albeit indirectly: "an inextricable intimacy and a commitment." Liz uses anger to express this, Red uses fish stories and Tom.

We were both half right. Together, we were right.

Liz sees Red's commitment forever lying elsewhere: with his precious secrets. Red sees Liz's commitment tied up in her relationship with Tom even after his betrayal, even after his literal death. They’ve been longing for the other to break away and commit, but this longing still manifests indirectly and out of sync: she pulls Tom between them like a guardrail (and DG, too), so Red flees into his “work” as a defensive response, which she interprets as lack of genuine interest and withdraws further into safe denial, and we have a vicious cycle on our hands. Despite all that, she still wants him to give up his secrets and he still wants her to give up her fixation on Tom. It’s no accident Red is so captivated by her when she describes her fantasy to him. It’s v much his, too.

But they both feel betrayed right now and both cling to their respective security blankets: Red to his secrets, Liz to her anger.

III. The current name of the game for Liz is repression and denial, for Red, it’s obsession and rumination.

Liz's remark about Red during her therapy session is telling and relevant here:

"Some of what he's done is unimaginably bad. But some of what he's done for me is unimaginably good."

She has been privy to many good things Red has done for others (hell, an entire county once) but those are not factored in when she evaluates his "goodness". No, this is about her and again, it produces only a partial image. It is a good start to say to an outsider that they don’t have the full picture of who he is (or can be) and therefore their understanding is skewed. However, the same goes for Liz and she refuses to accept that her POV is limited, too, and that she is complicit in it being so. DG is a prime example: she is handed a DNA test and everything that contradicts the result is pushed aside at once. The same happened when Tom told her he was a changed man: she ignored the contradictions, so she could have the illusion of stability. Red withholds information but it’s Liz who blatantly lies to herself about many things.

But back to the quote above: so only what Red does for her is weighed on the scale of goodness. Only that defines his moral character. It is decidedly untrue but again it's a manifestation of possessiveness and something Red partially conditioned in her in moments where e.g. he says saving her helps him live w/ himself (104) or where he implies that being with her allows him to become less of a monster (209). As a result, he is reduced to something less but something confined to her, something conveniently simplified that - depending on her need - is easier to either embrace or scapegoat. When he goes along with what she wants (whether it is actually good or not), he is a welcome, positive presence. When he refuses her (no matter how justified or necessary it is), he is deemed toxic and gets rejected. But after Tom inserts himself back into their lives and after the fake death betrayal, Red seems to have less and less willingness to silently confine himself to her whims and wishes, and they finally reach a breaking point in S5.

Fans on both sides of the "why does Red care so much about Liz" fence focus heavily on love as his primary drive, and label the nature of the R/L relationship accordingly: parental and romantic respectively. What else could explain such grandiose display of unconditional love other than being related or being in love? To quote Red, "perhaps there's a third option." There is and despite it being on full display (or maybe because of it since the show has conditioned us to assume a convoluted mystery everywhere) we often overlook its importance:

With Red, guilt is the operative word. This is the governing emotion right next to love (a more recent development) to which many of his grand gestures are anchored. The pervasiveness of guilt in Red's life is pointed out several times in the show, most notably in episodes 104, 216, and 319:

“The farmer, who is no longer a farmer sees the wreckage he's left in his wake. It is now he who burns. It is he who slaughters. And he knows, in his heart he must pay.”

“The truth of it is, once you start down this road there's no logical place to stop. For the first few years, it may work. You'll draw some measure of virtue from being her invisible benefactor. But that won't last. It's all a fraud. That it's really not about her at all. That it's all about you. And you're just going through the motions to salve your own guilt. All the money, all the time and effort, all the favors in the world cannot possibly equal what you took away from her. Everything else is just a nice gesture.”

“It was a Hobson's choice. There was a woman and her child. Both were doomed. Both would die. I could either save one or lose both. I chose the child. It was the worst thing I've ever had to do in my life. Worst thing by far. I was arrogant. I presumed that there was an order to things, that there was... that if I nourished and protected and taught the child, she would be safe and happy. And she was neither. No matter what I tried to do, all I brought her was misery and violence.”

In each, the debilitating nature of guilt is given emphasis, the symptoms of which are exhibited by Red throughout the show. Chronic guilt can be an extremely powerful drive. As Red notes, "once you start down this road there's no logical place to stop". He genuinely believes he owes Liz an immeasurable debt and that nothing, not even wrecking or even giving his own life for her, could make up for it. If we look at his behavior from this perspective, the primary answer to why he is willing to go to such great lengths for her becomes obvious. He loves her, too, of course, but love is - as noted above - is a more recent, healthy development, and it still has to co-exist with deep-seated guilt that keeps it in a toxic choke hold. This combination is the main reason why he cannot deny Liz anything (see: Tom) and why he's so vulnerable to blame shifting. When someone believes they deserve to be used and punished by the one they also come to love more than anything, the danger of abuse skyrockets, too.

Guilt-driven gestures, no matter how grandiose, are ultimately selfish and fake, as Red observes. But after he finally meets her, love starts creeping into the picture, shifting their dynamic and imbuing it with something real and selfless. And Red starts pushing back a little now where Tom is concerned. This sprouting, deepening love, however, gets badly trampled on when the guilt-trips and betrayals come. Red endures them because guilt says "you deserve it", but it no longer has quite the same hold as it once did. Heartbreak is a somewhat sobering experience but until the still unknown source of his guilt is uncovered and addressed, his relationship with Liz, his love for her, cannot reach genuine fulfillment.

IV. Sprinters are bad at running marathons.

Red and Liz want the same thing (as we have established above) but she is impulsive and wants it now whereas he is wary and plans long-term.

“I can’t tell you what I’m gonna want 10 years from now. Even a year from now. I just know what I want right now.”

Liz is no fan of delayed gratification. She has wants and she wants those satisfied "right now" even if it means she has to trade a more secure, more enduring yet still unavailable future (Red) for a readily available present of poorer quality (Tom). The former requires hard work (of the sweat, blood, and tears kind), honest self-evaluation, careful planning, and lots of patience. The latter is just easy and right there, so she cuts straight to the finish line, then it all promptly comes crashing down on her.

This is what happens after her exoneration in S3B. She goes to Red but instead of some quality personal time, he acts prickly and distant, then whips out a giant map to show her how just much hard work still needs to be done before Odysseus can even consider returning home. Her response? She rejects it (and him with it) and goes straight back to Tom. He promises to give her everything she wants right there and then at a discount. She only has to bury her head in the sand regarding a couple of things and since Liz is prone to self-delusion and denial by default, she jumps at the opportunity. This is where her relationship with Red begins to go off the rails.

“Circumstances are far more complex than we ever imagined. I’m betting on the long play. The future.”

Red plays the long game when it comes to the most important things in his life, and he doesn’t shy away from torturous self-examination and self-denial to secure enduring results and a better future for those he loves. Liz’s relationship with Tom was a sprint with many corner-cutting and the inevitable letdown. They had a short present, but no future. With Red, there is a future still but Liz has to run a marathon to reach it and being a sprinter, she struggles a lot.

But she is not the only one struggling. Red is still traumatized by the loss of his family, which makes him instinctively reluctant to try to settle down again. Those who inflicted that debilitating loss still represent an active force in the world (see: the map). The longing to settle down is certainly there. It’s a dream he shares with Liz. They practically wish upon it under the stars while “Our House” is playing, but on top of his guilt and grief, the circumstances seem to be forever against him, so he doesn’t dare actively push for it like she does (he even rejects Agnes at first). He redirects his focus to the “job” to try and create a safer environment and maybe a future opportunity. This folds back to the marathon approach that Liz rejects at first but now, after Tom's demise, she must face. She vows to destroy Red but I don't think it will be a literal destruction. Deep down they still want the same thing and even though they have yet to admit it openly, they want it with each other.

Their time spent on the run in S3/A is immersed in the theme of a shared home. Liz and Red seek refuge in a theater where the stage is set as a home. This is where Liz tells Red about her fantasy and this is where Red immediately retreats behind a wall when he realizes that Liz will be pulled back into Tom's orbit.

“I’m not interested in what you want. I’m interested in what you deeply desire. I can sense that death and vengeance aren’t what drive you, Elizabeth. Or feed your soul. [What does?] A lost world, I suspect. Another life. If you can’t face your truths, I can’t be of service.”

The Djinn makes a clear distinction between “what you want” and “what you deeply desire”. It is echoed in the tension-filled dream Liz has where Red removes Tom from the picture just when he is about to spill a secret (nice piece of foreshadowing btw), then stalks up to her bed and asks her the same thing - not just what she wants but what she really wants. This image of Red stepping up as a sexual-romantic partner after her husband’s demise is shoved deep down in her subconscious. It is one she is not yet ready to face, but it is there - the option of making a home with him, an option he, too, keeps at arm’s length due to past trauma and present circumstances, and it adds even more tension to their interplay.

This exact type of unresolved tension has already popped up on this show when Madeline Pratt re-entered Red's life w/ some grievances.

"Florence was everything, our way out, a fresh start. But to you, it’s all just a job."

She feels betrayed and played for a fool because Red chose to continue living his danger-magnet criminal life, prioritizing it over her and their intended home.

"They used Pratt as bait, faked the kidnapping in order to bring Red into the Kings’ custody."

Later on, counting on his savior complex, she lands him in hot water to get even. She stages her own kidnapping and lures Red into a trap set by an enemy with a score to settle. If it sounds familiar, that’s because we see something similar play out between Liz and Red. It’s low-key in the background during S3-4 (w/ the whole home theme) and gets kicked into high-gear in the S5 finale (when Liz thinks he played her for a fool so he can continue living his criminal life):

We were out. You said the ship we were on was headed to Spain. Change of plans. Because? Because after far too much time playing defense, today’s the day we switch to offense.

They could get away and start a new life but Red refuses to quit his "mission". As mentioned above, he tells Liz they still have a lot to do and her reaction is disappointment, and when Tom offers her everything Red is not yet able (to go away and start fresh), she accepts. And this is when their downward spiral begins in earnest and all the accumulated hurt peaks in S5, in Liz's very Madeline-esque plan to fake a kidnapping and lure Red to one of his enemies for some answers and score-settling (the same business the Kings were into w/ their illicit auctions):

If you’re gonna tell him you hurt me, he’s got to believe you. You knew Reddington would come for you. He got to do what he always does: try and save me.

Indeed. And he is about to confess his greatest secret to save her life when they get interrupted and an alternate solution presents itself. He kills Sutton, takes the bag and leaves. Liz vows to destroy him after this and I think she is right. Raymond Reddington needs to die for good this time. He needs to die so the man behind that mask can finally emerge. He needs to die so Liz can finally face and understand the full picture.

Red’s guilt feeds on the secrets he keeps and Liz continues to cling to her anger because these secrets are a wedge between them. The murky past and their distorted perception of it (Red's warped by guilt, Liz's scrambled by memory manipulation) hold them and their relationship hostage, so it must be disclosed and sorted for both their sakes. The second chance will not come until this happens. When it does, I think it will be the most cathartic moment in the history of this show.

This collision course is their way back home.

#long post #the blacklist #lizzington #(not too much i was trying really hard to keep this from turning into a shipper fantasy blueprint)#(emphasis on trying)#speculation #musings #q

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akane171 · 2 years

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...That description is both absolutely accurate for the movies if you did cut the romance and at the same time an absolutely beautiful an absolutely in-depth anyalsis why we love Obi-Wan and Anakin and Clone Wars is the best🙈😂🤣 Seriously, I feel like applauding you! *boisterous clapping*

😂🤷🏻‍♀️ I'm judging to safe myself from your judging😉😂

Wait, WHAT? Do you mean a spin-off about Agatha??😱😱😍😍

Of course ghosts are invisible, where would be the fun in coming back as a ghost if can't be invisible and spooky? But nope, the Kangaroos are busy trying to figure out what LW is suing her subconscious for😁

Well, first off, I didn't treat him like that, the superfriends and universe did (which he did kinda get revenge for) and secondly, he's with his Kara so she can totally help him and show him all the love he deserves (and seriously give him all the hugs he needs), so he's definitely happier than the show's version of either of them and therefore the idea would be a fix-it (plus, present!Karamel gets a happy ever after and lots of kiddos, too😁)

...How is that my fault??😅 Now you're just blaming me for anything and everything?😰

It might make sense, but WHY would fans use THAT word when that usually implies something VERY different in the world of fanfiction?😅🙈 And well, objectively seen, at least in S2 she still seemed fine and they did have some things in common (like shitty parents) and were nearly married?😅🤷🏻‍♀️

Hahaha, I'm already currently reading it, you don't need to tell me to do it (Gosh. It's SO good and in-character 😍😍 And all the reused little lines from the show are placed so perfectly😍😍🙈)

How would you know?🤨

...Why did you have to point that out?🤦🏻‍♀️ I already thought it was kinda weird in that public space, but now it sounds really disgusting, too😅😅🙈

Eh, well, kinda, she said it was very awkward to film because they couldn't see each other at all so the director had to tell them what way to move etc😅 she said sth else about it, too, I think, but I can't remember what it was, it's been too long since I saw the video🤔

Hmm, maybe🤔 But a bunch of great friends, getting to fly, getting away from an abusive relationship and finding the love of your life make it sound like one of the best things to happen to Mel (And Chris too if you leave out the abusive relationship thing!)😁🙈

It's just mean...😭🙈

Oh, sorry, "Illuminati" is a book by Dan Brown that takes place in the Vatican😅🙈 And ohh, that sounds uhhh..very religiously inclined?😅🙈😂

No promises, I'm the kind of idiot who will definitely get hurt jumping around😂🤷🏻‍♀️

🤣😂🤷🏻‍♀️

You, too! Hope you get to enjoy the weather😁

XXX

Thanks xD They were just complexed in many ways, much more than the romance bewteen Padme and Anakin - the only problem was that he was the Jedi and he couldn't have been in a romantic relationship (what is a big ass cliche and not played well in the movies). While Obi-Wan and Anakin, wow, so many conflicts, so many boiling points, so many *screw everything, I'm going to save him no matter what*, so many things they have learnt from each other, they way they started to appreciate themselves (Obi-Wan learning that Anakin was not only his duty after he promised given to Qui's, but really his brother, and Anakin that he was not a burden). But seriously, because of them being Jedi, so many things there was unspoken and not told directly what created problems, but still sooo goood and beautiful in a way. For me their relationship was the most important and significant one. Not romantic, but even deeper?

And what is funny, I'm not the biggest fan of Anakin, but when he is with Obi-Wan - pure gold.

You are judged anyway, by me and KANGAROOS.

Yeah, I think I saw some gossips that looked pretty confirmed? But was not too interested, so maybe check yourself xD

I think you and LW are more busy trying to figured out. The kangaroos, thay you didn't feed for WEEKS of your argument, ARE dead now, so as i said, you are murdered them all!

ReFail, let me tell you a spoiler... YOU ARE THE AUTHOR SO TEH CHARACTERS DO WHAT YOU WANT, SO STOP PUTTING THE BLAME ON THEM!!!! also, he is dead, that's it, DEAD. As much as having Kara there is wonderful, he needs therapy after what YOU HAVE DONE TO HIM, you monster =='

I guess?

I think people don't use lemon as a tag for sexual stuff in the fics? I haven't seen it for years. Maybe still on ff.net, but not on ao3.

Still, the fact he could have ended with that scorpion was ugh. Fuck you Rhea.

Yep, this fic is a masterpiece and i really hope it's going to be finished...

Ask LW, I have powers.

i like to ruin other people's days,. after i ruin mine. Hope tongues were not involved....

Imagine being naked and wet and probably cold and told how you need to move etc. in front of a dozen of people. Traumatizing xD

Agreed. And it shows how you really can't have it all and some assholes need to ruing the fun. But well, MW is successfully ruining smelties and tantrumcorpses day just for being in love, super happy, well and healthy, so ;)

Ooooooh, ok. i read only the da Vinci code and seen the other movie with... McGregor (lol).

...just be careful....

Have a nice day! :D

#ReFail #my fam

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