#i understand i am doing a bit of a restorative reading of this

[soft-pine]

okay so @monstermoviedean is watching s14 rn and her takes are god tier!!! and you should all go read her blog please!

but it just makes me want to talk about lebanon/14.13 so much! like it really is one of my favorite episodes of spn. which is crazy i know because i truly hate john with every fiber of my being but i think this episode reveals so much about him & dean's relationship with him with delicious subtly!

and i've yapped at random on twitter about this but i want to gather all my thoughts in one place.

dean's relationship with john is The most important relationship in spn that i'm interested in unpacking. (i am normal and fine and this has nothing to do with my own issues)

i think for some people who understand john as abusive, it is frustrating and jarring to see him come back after so many years and just be kinda nice. especially given that dean has just finally started to talk to his family about some of the bad things john did.

i maintain that dean has been pretty clear with cas and like random strangers that his dad was shitty. but in 14.11, he tells mary the winchester surprise story. while he doesn't frame the story as truly a critique of john, it is a contrast to his quiet silence and pained expression after newly-resurrected mary says john was a good father in 12.02. in 14.12, dean opens up to sam about how when john was pissed off at dean, he would send him away. this is a stark new light on dean's comments from 7.14 where he apologizes to sam for sometimes "ditching him" when they were kids. sam quickly shuts down dean's apology in 14.12 and subsequent discussion about dean's regrets and feelings about john. but since sam's shift in his opinion about john in 2.02, dean pretty consistently keeps his criticism to himself in front of sam so this is a marked change. and the very next episode script draft includes the infamous "probably pulled the wide-eye hitchhiker routine. dad made me do it all the time on hunts. as bait." so, given the episodes and revelations that bookend 14.13, it's understandable how hard it is to see john and dean interact at all.

but i think it's perfect! because it so clearly shows every truth of their relationship.

firstly, we can look at who john apologizes to. in 1.16, 1.20, and 14.13 john is reunited with sam & dean after time apart. and in all three episodes, he apologizes and/or works to make amends with sam for their fractured relationship. in fact, in 14.13, it's a mention of the winchester surprise that triggers john's apology to sam.

in contrast, the only time john apologizes to dean for his childhood is 2.01 when he says sorry for making dean always have to look after him and sam. and then promptly asks him to kill sam if he has to.

it's crushing to me that at no point does john see the way he treated dean as anything to make amends for. instead, in 1.21 and 14.13, he frames dean not "having a home" or "having a family," "a normal life" as circumstances outside his control or as somehow dean's choice. and yet, john is entirely responsible. he is the one moving dean from school to school, getting him into credit card fraud, taking him on hunts. in 12.09 it's established that dean has as long arrest/warrant record which includes things we never see him getting arrested for in canonical spn. he is the one who always said hunting was temporary (6.02) and yet never allowed for a way out. so even though john's affect is kinder, we know he isn't meaningfully taking accountability for a huge amount of his actions.

it's the reason for the kinder affect we can look at next. because what is one of the most common indicators of abusive dynamics? treating people differently in public vs private. and critically for almost all of 14.13, mary is observing john. and we know that despite their marital problems (5.16), she considered him a good father. he doesn't know that the life he forced sam and dean into is the very worst thing she could have imagined for her children (4.03), but we can tell from his apologies to sam that john is at least aware of things he did which he regrets.

before mary arrives, he is giving sam and dean orders, "You boys better tell me what the hell is going on right now." i recognize he's very disoriented but this affect disappears entirely after mary shows up. i cannot overstate how much i love how not stern and harsh john is here because it shows that he could have always chosen to be like that. but there weren't negative consequences (a wife who might be angry with him) to face.

i've said before that i think one of the reasons that john kept sam & dean away from hunter gatherings and meeting other hunters (2.03, 12.06) is because hunters they met might have acted exactly how dean acts to krissy's dad in 7.11 and told him to quit. the hunters/community john did maintain relationships with were sometimes kinda shitty people - Deacon (2.19), Travis (4.04), Martin (8.09). not that Bobby, Caleb, Pastor Jim, Bill Harvell, Daniel Elkin were necessarily like that but I do think its worth looking at who John's friends who he didn't have a falling-out with were. Like Fred Jones who gave Sam & Dean their first beers when they weren't even 10 (8.08).

some other details about that first reunion kitchen conversation that always stick out to me are john finishing the drink dean pours for him while dean & sam barely touch theirs. it's also significant to me that dean tells mary in 12.01 that john died to save him. but here, he tells john that he died taking out yellow-eyes (which is literally not what happened. like specifically he died by making a deal with azazel). dean, always working to deescalate and maintain the peace, instantly clocks which thing they will each find more soothing to hear.

one thing that i see people often critique is the idea that john coming back is somehow the thing dean wished for the most. but what dean actually says is that this is something he's wanted since he was four years old. so it's really not about john back at all. john died when dean was 27. but mary died when dean was four. and that cause nearly every hard, traumatic, awful thing in dean's life. to some extent, i think it was about wanting john to have mary back. throughout dean's entire life, john used the loss of mary as an excuse for how he acted and what he made dean & sam do. so of course what dean wants most is... for that not to have happened.

and this brings my to my second favorite part of the episode. but you'll only catch if you're paying attention. dean says he's thrilled to have john back and yet at every chance he gets, he leaves the room john's in. he leaves the kitchen when john reunites with mary. dean gets the grocery list from mary while john has a tearful apology with sam. dean talks to john again only because he has to tell him about the pearl but then leaves to help cook. after dinner, he goes to do the dishes. dean really is not actually trying to spend time with john - even when they get a deadline for when their time with him is over, dean is not trying to make the most of it. and god i love him for that.

i sympathize with people who are frustrated to see dean fall back into the role of caretaker for john's emotions and wellbeing. and i agree but i appreciate that it is very clear that's what's happening. he's performing the role he's always been forced to perform. he may be more aware of it as a performance this time. he may be taking more steps to remove himself from having to interact with john. but i would almost feel worse if he wasn't getting john a drink, doing what he said, going on little errands, cooking, cleaning up. john says "You want to give your mom a hand?" and of course he goes.

i think dean always has held both deep hurt from and empathy for john and this episode is full of both of them. and while i think it's always hard to hear dean slip back into those moments of empathy (8.12 is always rough for me), it's so real that's where he would be sometimes. so much of being a child who's made responsible for your parent's emotions means that there is such a deep part of you that wants to protect them from harm.

i personally think the song "til it shines" by bob seger is an insane choice to play over their dinner scene. because, though that's not the part of the song that plays, the lines "Take the chip off of my shoulder. Smooth out all the lines. Take me out among the rustling pines, till it shines, ah, till it shines" always strike me as trying to see something through rose-tinted glasses in a way. or maybe acknowledging the performative, white-washing that's being done?

anyway, i understand why people want dean to have a cathartic yelling session with john. but honestly im not sure that would ever sit right with me. i think honestly 14.13 is kind of perfect. john comes back and it proves everything. john could always be kind (he took you to a freaking baseball game (4.19)). he could always apologize. he always did say he wanted the boys to get out of hunting but never even tried to make it happen.

and that brings me to my favorite part of the episode. my darling. my baby. my treasure. dean says, "i have a family." and what that means to him is his own. he gets to keep it. he gets to mean it without john's scrutiny. without him tearing it apart. the conversation sam & dean have over dishes is another deeply meaningful part. dean specifically rejects the idea of telling john the truth about any of it - even if it would change things. because he's good with who he is. "Cause our lives – they’re ours."

this matters so much to me because i don't think dean's healing can ever be contingent on john - not on his reaction, not on finally telling him the truth, not on john getting comeuppance for all the shit he did, not even on changing the past so john has more information because the critical thing that 14.13 and 4.19 show is that john literally did not do the best he could. so what could change that?

in the kitchen, dean tells sam that he blamed john for "the longest time". do you understand how much it means to me to hear him say that?! because i think of course blaming john is the first step! dean was hurt and he was angry about that and he should be!

but dean's healing can't just stop there. while i know there will be moments as he heals where he's angry with john again, the beautiful core of dean's healing i see in 14.13 is him being clear on where the boundary of him and his wants, goals, needs, and priorities are vs john's. i think a lot of dean's young relationship with john was him being forced to keep parts of himself (the parts that didn't like to hunt for example) secret out of shame and necessity. but here, i don't think dean is carrying that shame anymore. he is very clear on how what he wants from his life differs from what john would want but dean sticks to his own values. he has a family. he's good with who he is. it's just none of john's goddamn business.

anyway, as always mitski says it best....

plus we get two of THE MOST shots of dean's face of all time for me!!! like my god stabbing me would hurt less!!!

plus! PLUS!! CHERRY ON TOP!!! LOOK AT THESE NOOOOOODLES

in conclusion. your honor, i love her.

[scariusaquarius]

rehab. 17.

Avenger! Bucky Barnes x Winter Soldier! Fem! Reader

Summary: While on a mission to find any more possible super soldiers that were a part of the Winter Soldier program, Steve and Bucky make a discovery in an abandoned HYDRA base that was cleared out a few years prior to their mission. They discover the Reader, a long-forgotten soldier that was still asleep within a functioning cryostasis pod; still awaiting orders. While Bucky isn't happy about it, he is put up to the challenge of helping to rehabilitate the soldier in Wakanda where she may be able to become a person again.

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A/n: This one is pretty long rip but I hope that you guys like it! It was a bit hard to keep everyone in character, so I'm SO SORRY if anybody is OOC *sobs* Also, if you enjoy my work, please consider buying me a coffee! If you would prefer to read Rehab on Archive, you may do so right HERE!

This is an au where Bucky joined the avengers but still rehabilitated in Wakanda (sometime before Infinity War [canon divergent cause NOPE]). I am NOT fluent in Russian, so I did use google translate cause I couldn't find a good translator that I trusted. If anything is wrong, PLEASE let me know!! Also, I tried to list as many warnings as possible so you know what the story will contain as chapters are posted. Stay safe!

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Genre: Slowburn, Enemies to Lovers/Friends to Lovers, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Humor, Drama, Dark Content Rated: Explicit Warning: Angst, Dark Content: Graphic Depictions of Sexual Assault, Blood and Gore, Mentions of Manipulation, Kidnapping, Canon-Typical Violence, Body Horror, Nonconsensual Body Modification/Scarring, Emotional and Physical Abuse, Mentions of Murder, Mentions of Suicidal Thoughts/Ideation, Graphic Depictions of Human Remains, Mentions of Sexual Coercion/Manipulation, Death, Misuse of Drugs/Forced Drugging, Self-Harm (Graphic Depictions and Mentions), Nightmares

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Author: ScariusAquarius

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rehab masterlist. chapter 14 / chapter 15 / chapter 16

The Avengers were all gathered in the lab once again, Tony holding his arms across his chest as Shuri carefully worked to fully restore and show the contents of the floppy disk. Clint was frowning, a frustrated gleam within his eyes, and he looked at Tony, asking.

"What are we going to do about the Director? We don't have any evidence to show that he's harboring or working with Rollins and HYDRA."

Thor made a face, asking as he gestured to the floppy disk wildly and without a care.

"Wouldn't this strange little...thing...answer that for us?"

Steve shook his head, his shoulders squared and tensed as Shuri's brow furrowed in frustrated concentration as she continued to work.

"Not necessarily. HYDRA has always valued their secrecy and ability to work behind-the-scenes. If this disk has information freely within it...it could be another decoy or a way to skew the details. The best thing might be to visit the Director again."

Wanda shook her head, raising a hand.

"That would be unwise. With the possibility of someone being on the inside, we must protect (Y/n) at all costs. If Rollins, or HYDRA, gets their hands on her, then everything we have done would have been for nothing. We also need to think about Bucky."

Tony's face darkened slightly at the mention, the woman's pleas echoing in his mind, and the man couldn't help but to snap, making everyone in the room look at him with surprise.

"You know, I'm starting to really struggle with understanding why we are helping him. Have you looked at the tapes, Rogers? Have you listened to that woman beg for him not to hurt her?"

Steve became offended, asking Tony with a furrowed brow as his arms uncrossed.

"What are you saying, Stark?"

"I'm saying that maybe having Barnes with her is a bad idea....that having Barnes with us is a bad idea."

Before Steve could respond, Bruce stepped forward, clasping his hands together almost nervously as he replied.

"Tony, Bucky has been making incredible progress since being in Wakanda and with us. I know that it doesn't change the past-"

"-You're damn right it doesn't."

Tony snapped, and Steve clenched his jaw. Shuri huffed and smacked her hands down on the table, making Tony glance at her as she narrowed her gaze at Tony.

"Mr. Stark, I understand your hatred. From the bottom of my heart. However, Isithunzi's trauma is not because of James. We do not even know what role he played when he was still with HYDRA when it comes to her. What happened was not because of Barnes, but because of HYDRA. James is a new man now...free from HYDRA, and he is just as scared as she is. Do you honestly believe James wanted to kill your parents?"

The room became quiet, and Clint's eyes widened slightly as he looked at the ground and shrugged, quietly mumbling.

"Damn, straight for the heart."

Shuri stood up, pointing at Tony with a glare.

"You should understand as a scientist that facts must come before anything else, and the fact of the matter is that these people were taken against their will, tortured, assaulted, maimed, and sexually abused to the point where compliance was their only way to survive. Will you truly hold that against them when they had no choice? Barnes wasn't even Barnes that night your parents were assassinated. Please, find it in yourself to make amends with that fact instead of allowing your emotions to skew the priority and the truth."

Tony looked distraught for a moment, unsure of what to think or feel, but the conversation was cut when Shuri's tablet made a noise to alert the group that her restoration of the floppy disk was complete. Immediately, Shuri pulled up the contents onto a hologram and enlarged it so everyone in the room had a look.

Sam Wilson frowned as he walked a bit closer to the screen, stating.

"Project Achilles, founded in 1975 and run by Serge Karpov, Robert (L/n), and under guidance of Armin Zola."

Steve frowned deeply, shaking his head.

"Karpov...Serge must have been Vasily's father."

Vision hummed, stating.

"Vasily Karpov was one of the men responsible for furthering the expansion of the Winter Soldier Program...and the one to give Sergeant Barnes the orders to kill Mr. and Mrs. Stark."

Steve glanced at Tony, and the man couldn't help but to sigh slightly as he watched Tony stare out the window, gripping the railing as he stared out at Wakanda. Sam continued on reading, the tension in the room rising.

"Project Achilles is an operation to regime change. They were using selected Winter Soldier's, like Bucky, to alter political outcomes by assassinating key figures from around the world, like the JFK assassination."

"So, for the last 50 years, every major political event that's happened...were because of HYDRA?"

Clint frowned deeply, shaking his head slightly as he seemed to become confused, and Wanda hummed.

"You have to remember that HYDRA has been involved with politics since the beginning."

She laughed humorlessly, adding on.

"They were born from war...and we know that Alexander Pierce wanted complete control of...well, everything. Perhaps, (Y/n) was the last resort that they had. All of the other Winter Soldier's were killed thanks to Zemo, so that leaves the question of why she's the only other remaining soldier?"

Tony suddenly piped up, making everyone turn to him as the man spoke.

"HYDRA knew that they were going to get found out and hunted at some point. So, why not let everyone believe that the rest of the Winter Soldier's were dead? I mean, they must have known that someone or something was going to come for the rest of the soldiers, right? So why not keep one for the shadows?"

Thor asked, tilting his head slightly.

"So, they used the deaths of these other soldier's to their advantage to uphold secrecy and to continue their work? It sounds as though they wanted us to find this woman."

Steve frowned deeply, and nodded in agreement.

"I don't think they thought that we would be able to break her free of the programming...repeated activation, the microchip...they probably wanted us to find her so that they could reactivate her and have her work from the inside."

Sam rubbed his hands together, muttering.

"If so, that gives us a bigger problem. I'm not trying to discredit your work, your highness, but given the facts, do you really think her programming has been completely removed?"

Shuri rubbed her temples.

"Americans and their doubts. Yes, I do believe her programming is completely gone. Thanks to the AI that I used to help Barnes, I was able to fine-tune and improve it enough that even through the repeated attempts, I was still able to disrupt the activation and recalibrations."

Shuri then sighed, turning to Sam with a rueful expression.

"What we are left with now is a woman who is free to make her own choices...it just depends on if she makes the right one. Even without the programming, there is still a chance that she will believe that her true calling is with HYDRA. It's all that she has ever known for the last 31 years after all."

Wanda then offered, shrugging.

"If it will help, I can possibly look into her mind and try to awaken that old part of her...the one with the most reason...so that she may understand that HYDRA is not her true calling."

Vision immediately shook his head.

"No. In doing so, you risk the possibility of sending this woman into a complete breakdown. She will not understand...she must remember on her own just as Sergeant Barnes did."

Thor then stretched, yawning slightly.

"Well, even without forceful persuasion, we still have bugs that need squashed. I say let these people come! This woman will lead these vile beasts straight to us, and when she does, we can cut their heads off once and for all."

"What about Bucky?"

Steve questioned, and Tony scoffed.

"Please, is that all you can think about? I think Barnes can handle himself. It'll be like a big family reunion."

Steve snapped his head to Tony, snapping.

"Tony, that's enough."

Tony laughed incredulously.

"What, did I say something wrong?"

Before Steve could retort, T'Challa walked in with an annoyed expression.

"What is all of this fighting about? We have much more pressing matters than your petty squabbles. We have no new information about this possible mole. I have the best of the best working with me on this, and there has been no sign of any intrusion as of yet. Mr. Parker has been patrolling the area and has not reported anything either. I believe that for now, we must work under the impression that a move has not been made yet and to remain diligent."

The room became quiet until one of the Dora Milaje came speeding in, whispering within the King's ear, and the man squared his shoulders with a deep frown.

"Please enlighten me on why Barnes would wake this woman up?"

Shuri purposefully kept her gaze on her screen while Tony and Steve both looked surprised and irate.

"He did what?"

"I'm sure that he has his reasons."

Tony opened his mouth to begin chastising and arguing, but was cut short by Thor's excited exclamation.

"Yes! This means that I can meet this warrior and see if she truly as wonderful of a fighter as everyone has made her out to be!"

Bruce looked uncomfortable, shaking his head.

"Uh, Thor, I don't think that it a good idea."

"Well, why not? Surely it would be fair for me to know who it is that I am fighting for, is it not?"

Wanda couldn't help but to smirk slightly, shaking her head.

"It is fair, but she's not in a stable mindset to be able to meet you. Perhaps, however, I can introduce you in a different way?"

Her eyes and hand lit up in red, and Thor's grin was wiped completely off of his face.

"I would rather not have a witch within my mind, but the offer is...appreciated nonetheless."

Clint snorted, and T'Challa rubbed his temples.

"Mr. Rogers, I am truly hoping that your friend understands what he is doing."

Steve replied without missing a beat.

"I trust Bucky...he wouldn't do this if he didn't have a good reason."

Tony rolled his eyes and muttered.

"We're all gonna die."

-READER-

There were aches and pains all throughout her body, making her muscles spasm and twitch painfully as the woman slowly woke up. She was aware of an almost sickly-sweet scent coming from all around her, and when she opened her eyes, the fire-lit room filled with strange plants made her become confused and anxious.

The Fist of HYDRA was standing before her, waiting for her to wake up, and instantly, her body tensed. Was it time for her to be punished? Had the Fist finally expended his patience? The man could tell that she was becoming nervous, and he lifted his hands in mock-surrender, stating gently.

"I'm not going to hurt you...you're safe."

Lies. There was no such thing as safety in war.

The woman was deathly still, afraid to move or to even breathe, and she clenched her jaw as she looked upon the Fist of HYDRA. Her brain was foggy, distant voices and images flashing through her mind, and she could feel the panic swelling within her chest.

A good soldier feels nothing but the need to complete her mission.

But what was her mission? The woman was distraught, unable to remember what her mission was supposed to be, and the Fist said to her gently.

"It's okay. I'm not here to hurt you or punish you, okay?"

The woman looked uncomfortable, carefully sliding down to the floor as she cowered slightly. Her voice was stolen by her fear and confusion, eyes darting around the room as she looked for an exit, but the only exit the woman could find was behind the Fist of HYDRA. The Fist knelt down in front of her, making her breathing quicken and her head to begin hurting again, and the man paused.

"Do you remember anything?"

Her brain was still foggy, recent memories only blimps and flashes within her mind, but the woman was able to piece together the events that occurred right before she was put back under. Her voice was quiet, shaky and unsteady, as she spoke.

"Where...where is the woman?"

Bucky hummed gently.

"She's upstairs with my...friends. There's been...some trouble happening, but they're getting to the bottom of it."

"The boy?"

Bucky couldn't help but to chuckle a bit.

"He's on his way."

She became unnerved, the quiet of the room getting to her, and she blurted out.

"What is happening?"

Bucky looked confused for a moment, tilting his head as he asked her quietly.

"What do you mean?"

"My head...these images...people...these voices...I keep hearing them and they won't go away. I...I keep hearing them scream...begging and ordering...the sounds of...of dying. It hurts to hear them, but I don't understand."

She glanced down at her hands with acute horror, her scars like lights that were shining too brightly for her to stand, and an image of blood upon them made her jolt and quickly shut her eyes. The woman dug her nails into her head, her hands shaking ass he squeezed her eyes shut, and she began to quietly cry.

"I...I must be recalibrated...I...I need to be reprogrammed. I am faulty."

She curled in on herself, and though the Fist did not dare to take a step towards her, she could not help but await the punishment. When the Fist stayed quiet, the woman sobbed.

"Why won't you punish me?"

Bucky looked disturbed, saying to her in a firm voice.

"Because you don't need to be punished. You're no longer with HYDRA, (Y/n). Don't you understand? You're free from them...just like I am. Look at me."

At first, the woman did not respond, keeping her head tucked into her knees and trying to stifle her sobs the best she could. Bucky gave a sigh of resignation, but before the Russian could slip from his tongue, a hand on his shoulder made the man jolt. Peter was standing above him with a sheepish look on his face.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you. Do you...do you think that I could try?"

Bucky looked apprehensive before muttering.

"Sure, but try not to set her off. Tony's gonna kill me when he finds out I called you here."

Peter shrugged.

"I appreciate Mr. Stark a lot...and admire him...but I think this is more important...and he'll understand."

Bucky huffed.

"Or try to have me imprisoned...again."

Peter looked sheepish again before he knelt down to the ground near the woman. His voice was shaky, nervous, but Peter made an effort to steady himself as he spoke.

"Um, Miss?"

The woman couldn't help but to peek over her knees at Peter, confused and startled by his appearance. Peter gave the woman a friendly smile before he introduced himself.

"I don't know if you remember me, but my name is Peter Parker. I'm a friend. I wanted to formally apologize for...for earlier. I shouldn't have pushed you like that."

The woman furrowed her brow in confusion before memories of the incident before began to flood her mind. Her head began to hurt again, and she looked away from him, clutching her head and shaking it slightly. The woman was unsure of how to respond.

Nobody had ever apologized to her unless it was to beg for their life.

'Please! Please, I'm sorry! I'll have the product ready for Rollins by tonight! I swear!'

Gunshots. Choking on blood. The stench of death. The feeling of the gun clutched tightly within her hands.

The woman's eyes shot open, her breathing erratic, and she could hear the Fist of HYDRA whispering to Peter to 'give her a moment'. A moment for what? Bucky asked her gently, making Peter give him an incredulous look.

"Would you like to come with me for a moment?"

This was it. She was finally going to be repaired. No longer would these strange images and voices haunt her...she could have peace and quiet again. The woman looked to Bucky, asking.

"I..am being repaired?"

Bucky shook his head.

"No. You're not being erased nor recalibrated. I wanted you to take a walk with me."

A walk? Usually that meant she was being punished. A guise of safety only to lure her into the lion's den...to be torn apart and sewed back together while her Handler fed upon her innards and flesh.

The image of the man forcing her mouth open to accommodate him made her sick to her stomach, and she whimpered as she gagged slightly. Peter looked perturbed, and he asked Bucky quietly.

"Do you...think she's remembering something?"

"It's more than likely. Just...wait a moment."

Her heart was racing, pumping within her chest a mile a minute, and she was finding it hard to breathe. Her body began to grow cold, and the feeling of frost invading her ears and nose made her sob out in panic.

However, the sudden feeling of something warm against her arm made the soldier jolt and spin her gaze to look at Peter, who was gently holding her arm with a concerned expression on his face. The Fist looked surprised and worried, his fists clenched and ready for a fight, but Peter was comfortable. As a sign of good faith, he crossed his legs and relaxed, saying gently.

"It's okay. Whatever it is that you're seeing...it's not going to happen to you again. You're safe here."

Surprisingly, his warmth was grounding, and the cold feeling began to go away. The woman wasn't sure why, but there was a part of her that was calming down; her mind slowly and heart gradually coming to an even beat, and she glanced at the Fist. His expression softened slightly despite the apprehension within his body language, and she whispered brokenly.

"Why won't you repair me?"

The Fist pursed his lips before he glanced down at the ground, saying gently as he tried to stave away the feeling of being punched in his gut.

"Because you're not broken...you're not a machine that needs to be repaired, (Y/n)."

The woman shook her head, silent tears rolling down her cheeks as she insisted.

"I am a weapon. I....I am a machine. I was programmed and designed....and I am flawed. I must be repaired."

Bucky shook his head, stating firmly enough that her words died within her throat.

"You are not a weapon anymore."

His voice, though low, was firm and insistent as he continued on.

"That's what HYDRA made you believe-what they made me believe...that if we began to remember, to refuse and act out, that we were broken and needed to be repaired. Feeling things that weren't acceptable, remembering who we were before HYDRA, believing in other ideals...it meant that we were malfunctioning because we weren't allowed to be anything but a puppet for their use."

Bucky shifted a bit closer as Peter watched and listened with melancholic awe, his eyes growing a bit sad as he glanced between Bucky and (Y/n).

"But that pain that you're feeling? The panic, the confusion...those memories that you're remembering, the voices...it means that you're still you...that the pretty woman is in there trying so hard to get out...because you belong to her, not HYDRA."

The woman wasn't sure how to respond. An image of the pretty woman came to her mind, and though her psyche wanted her to believe that the Fist was feeding her lies...there was a strange part of her that believed him.

And that terrified her more than anything else.

"I...belong to me?"

The concept of self-ownership was foreign to the woman. For many years, she was told and reinforced that her autonomy didn't exist. Her whole entire life, her way of being, her choices and ideals...they were all in the name of HYDRA. She was born into HYDRA, and she was meant to die with HYDRA.

All of this talk of freedom and autonomy made the woman scared. She shook her head, her walls slowly coming up again.

"No...No, that's not true. I...I belong to HYDRA. My existence is for HYDRA. I...I am free within HYDRA..."

But her words were unsure, shaky and confused, and she began to cry again.

"I...I'm with HYDRA..."

The statement was ended with a questioning tone to her voice, and though she did not see it, she knew that the men were sharing a look together. Their silence unnerved her, and Peter whispered gently.

"You don't have to be with HYDRA anymore...they're really mean people that don't care about anybody but themselves. They took that pretty woman with no right...made her into a weapon...made her into something she never wanted to be."

Bucky added, making Peter nod a bit as the woman glanced at the Fist of HYDRA.

"That's why you were so hard to program and create. That woman inside of you...she didn't want this...and she still doesn't...and you have the freedom to make that choice now."

The freedom of choice. Freedom. The woman knew what the word meant...but was it truly meant for her? The woman looked away before whispering softly.

"I don't know what that means."

Bucky took a moment before he urged gently.

"It means that you, yourself, can make the choice to stay with HYDRA and endure many more years of torture and abuse...or you can stay with us and be who you want to be and not who HYDRA is trying to make you be."

Bucky let out a small laugh, whispering.

"Look at me...I was the original Winter Soldier...and yet...yet here I am...James Buchanan Barnes...free from HYDRA and doing the best I can to be the person I can someday say that I'm proud to be."

The woman slowly looked at him, asking shakily.

"What if they come back?"

Peter and Bucky shared a look together before Bucky took a deep breath, muttering to himself.

"Please don't let this backfire on me."

Bucky then looked at the soldier again, saying gently.

"They are. HYDRA is coming for you...possibly for me too. They don't want you to be free...they don't care about anything but making you their weapon again...but you don't have to be that anymore."

Bucky slowly and cautiously took out a picture from within his pocket, watching the way the woman tensed and her eyes widened with panic, and he paused before sliding it to the woman. The soldier glanced down and stared at the picture of the pretty woman, a strange feeling filling her chest and forcing the muscles to tighten as Bucky spoke softly.

"You can be the pretty woman again...just different."

Carefully, (Y/n) (L/n) grabbed the picture and clutched it within her hands as she looked down at the woman, a sense of admiration filling her as she looked at the picture. She admired the bright smile, the light within the woman's eyes, the way her skin was perfect and unmarred, and a sudden voice within her head spoke.

'(Y/n), I want you to always remember this, alright? Sit close and listen.'

'What is it, Mommy?'

'Hush, now, I'm about to tell you. Even if you find yourself walkin’ through the dark, sweetheart… don’t let it convince you that’s where you’re meant to stay. The darkness and mean people can strip a gal of just about everything, but they can’t touch your heart nor your soul, honey. That part’s yours to keep—and it will always find its way back home."

A giggle, and a shushing noise.

"And, honey, if the world ever tries to make a weapon outta you, you make ‘em sorry they ever laid hands on you in the first place."

"And punch their lights out like Captain America?!"

"You're absolutely right, darling! Now, how about a bedtime story?"

The woman wept softly, clutching the picture to her chest, and she sniffled, shaking her head slightly. The words began to echo within her mind, reverbing against the shattering walls as her heart began to swell.

'It will always find its way back home.'

I don't want to be this anymore. I want to go home.

The woman looked at Bucky, whispering brokenly.

"I want to go home."

And though Bucky's heart shattered at the broken tone within her voice, the sadness that shadowed her face...Bucky couldn't help but to feel happy that (Y/n) was finally coming home.

-

STORY NOTES: The scene opens to all of the Avengers in Shuri's lab once again. Shuri is currently working on restoring the floppy disk that Tony recovered during his mission while the Avengers are ruminating over the situation at hand. Clint questions on what to do about the Director of the CIA while not having any evidence to accuse him with, and Thor questions if the floppy will answer that for them. Steve, however, refutes the statement by pointing out that HYDRA values secrecy above all and if the floppy has the possibility of being another decoy, then the best course would be to confront the Director directly.

Wanda refutes this, stating that the focus must be on protecting the soldier and Bucky from HYDRA at all costs, and that speaking with the Director might alert HYDRA. Tony becomes upset, his emotions boiling over as he questions whether Bucky is worth the trouble anymore and that Bucky being around (Y/n) is a bad idea. This sparks tension and though Bruce Banners tries to mitigate, Tony is too angry to reason. Shuri finally speaks up, pointing out that (Y/n)'s trauma is not directly because of Bucky, and Bucky's actions are not because of his own freewill. She makes it a point to tell Tony that as a scientist, he should know to look at the facts first before allowing his emotions to skew his reasoning.

Before Tony can respond, the floppy disk has been fully restored and the files are able to be seen. Sam Wilson begins to read through the files. We discover that Project Achilles was an operation that was founded by Robert (L/n), Vasily Karpov's father, and guided by Armin Zola through his supercomputer. Vision explains that Vasily Karpov was one of the main Handlers for the Winter Soldier Program and the one who gave Bucky the order to kill Tony's parents. Project Achilles is an operation about timeline control, using the Winter Soldier's to facilitate political outcomes and was the main project behind many of the main political happenstances within the last 50 years. Although not directly stated, it eludes that (Y/n) (L/n) was a safeguard and would operate under complete and utter secrecy in the case that HYDRA is found out and investigated further.

Wanda crafts a theory that (Y/n) was the last resort for HYDRA and was kept hidden even from Helmut Zemo, who had infiltrated and killed the remaining Winter Soldiers within the program. Tony then makes the connection that HYDRA knew about their possible downfall, and that using the deaths of the rest of the Winter Soldiers was the perfect cover to keep (Y/n) active under the guise that all the soldiers were dead. Thor then says that it sounds as though HYDRA wanted (Y/n) to be found. Steve agrees, musing that HYDRA probably did not anticipate on her programming being disabled and deleted, and that they wanted to quietly reactivate her for her to work from the inside as a double-agent.

Sam then questions the effectiveness of Shuri's deprogramming, and Shuri reassures everyone that (Y/n) is completely free from HYDRA. However, due to HYDRA being all that (Y/n) has known, it will be up to her to make the choice to join the Avengers or to go back to HYDRA. T'Challa then enters after a small spat between Tony and Steve, and he informs the Avengers that there has been no attempts of infiltrations nor double agents within Wakanda. He motions for the Avengers to begin working under the guise that an infiltration has not occurred and to work on prevention. Suddenly, the Dora Milaje that was with Bucky comes to tell T'Challa that Bucky has awakened the woman, and both Tony and Steve are surprised and angry. Thor, however, is able to distract Tony and Steve by his excitement to finally meet (Y/n), but is refuted by Wanda explaining that (Y/n) is not stable enough to be meeting other people. She offers to introduce Thor by using telepathy, but Thor is uncomfortable and refuses the idea.

The point-of-view changes to (Y/n), who is now coming-to after being defrosted. When she sees Bucky, however, (Y/n) is instantly anxious, believing that she was finally about to be punished. However, Bucky tries to connect with her, reassuring her that he is not going to hurt her, though (Y/n) does not initially believe him. After an attempt to ask her if she remembered anything, (Y/n) instead inquires about Shuri and Peter, which Bucky replies are upstairs and Peter is on his way to them. (Y/n) then becomes distraught, telling Bucky that she keeps hearing voices within her mind, of death, and after a brief hallucination, she begins to tell Bucky that she needs to be reprogrammed. When Bucky makes no move, she begins to cry, asking Bucky why he won't punish her. Bucky tells (Y/n) that she doesn't need to be punished because she is a free woman.

Peter enters, and though Bucky is initially apprehensive, Peter is determined to make a connection with the woman. He apologizes for pushing her within their first meeting, but his apology makes (Y/n) spiral as a flashback of a previous victim goes through her mind. Bucky, instead, tries to coax (Y/n) by asking her if she would like to take a walk with him, and (Y/n) asks if she is finally being repaired. Bucky tells her no, and that he just wanted her to take a walk with him, but his wording makes (Y/n) remember that when her Handler would tell her to 'take a walk,' it meant that she was being punished. She suddenly remembers Rollins sexually assaulting her, and she becomes sick.

As she begins to panic, Peter makes physical contact by placing his hand on her arm, and the warmth of his hand is enough to ground (Y/n). He reassures her that whatever she is remembering will never happen to her again, and (Y/n) inquires why they won't repair her. Bucky tells her that she doesn't need to be repaired and that she isn't a weapon anymore. He explains that all of these foreign emotions, the memories, voices, etc, means that (Y/n) is still herself. (Y/n) becomes alarmed by the idea of self-autonomy, and tries to restate that she belongs to HYDRA and she only exists for HYDRA, but she is now unsure. Peter reassures (Y/n) that she doesn't have to be with HYDRA anymore, and Bucky adds that the reason she was so difficult to program was because the real (Y/n) was still inside of her and fighting. Bucky tells her that she has the freedom of choice, and when (Y/n) questions what he means, Bucky states that she can make the choice to stay or leave HYDRA. (Y/n) questions on the return of HYDRA, and Bucky lets (Y/n) know that HYDRA is currently hunting her at this moment of time, but reassures her that she doesn't have to obey them anymore.

Bucky tells (Y/n) that she can be 'that pretty woman again, just different' and gives her the picture of herself from when she was still within the CIA. (Y/n) then has an auditory flashback of a conversation between her and her mother from when she was young. Her mother states that even if she walks within darkness, she does not belong to it; that her heart and soul are hers to keep and she'll always find her way home; and if anybody tries to make her into a weapon, she fights back. The auditory flashback ends, and (Y/n) has a unique thought. She then tells Bucky that she wants to go home, and Bucky is happy that the real (Y/n) (L/n) has finally made an appearance. End Scene.

TRANSLATIONS:

Isithunzi - Xhosa for shadow/shade, the Soldiers nickname

TAGLIST: @tilldeathripsusapart @vicmc624 @mgchaser @aash3 @samfunko @seventeen-x @valckenaux @babybeeelle @sc4rrc @cjand10 @bane-y-zane

[pastelstrawberriess]

((HI ITS @THEFINALWITNESS)) UR TAGS FILLED ME WITH SUCH UNEXPECTED JOY I AM CHEWING AND GNAWING AT THEM. Y'SHTOLA RHUL IS SO SELF-DESTRUCTIVELY BENEVOLENT AND LOVING AND I AM GOING CRAZY FEELING LIKE SO FEW PPL SEE THAT!!! SHE LOVES THE WOL!!! IT DOESN'T MATTER IF WE INTERPRET IT PLATONICALLY OR ROMANTICALLY OR ANYTHING ELSE SHE *LOVES* THE WARRIOR OF LIGHT SO MUCH.

the way her dialogue with the player changes after reuniting in rak'tika will live rent free in my brain forever. i could not BELIEVE the shift but it struck out to me immediately how obvious it was she was lowkey reeling from a combination of "what is fucking happening to you" and "i can't believe i almost killed you" and "i'm so fucking happy to see™ you" and "i wish i could see™ YOU and not whatever is HAPPENING to you" AND IT'S SO!!!! HOW DOES THIS NOT REND PEOPLE TO SHREDS ON THE SPOT. HOW CAN ANYONE CALL HER BORING OR JUST THE COOL KNOWER OF THINGS. TAKE HER TO VANASPATI AND TELL ME SHE'S BORING OR ONE-DIMENSIONAL. I'M THROWING ROCKS (NOT AT YOU I'M OVERJOYED BY YOUR TAGS THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR RESTORING MY FAITH IN Y'SHTOLA NATION)

YEAH!! YEAH !!!!!

and regardless of platonic vs romantic interpretation, even her famously memeable moments are indicative of a genuine care for the wol. like, pre-shadowbringers y'shtola would not have made a casual sexual joke toward you, let alone several. that can be read as flirting or as the kind of dumb shit that two best friends say to each other, but it doesn't matter!! she's opened up to wol enough to banter on that level!! on urianger ass slap level!! but everyone just uses it as milf fuel! STAY AWAY FROM HER !!!!

the "I wish I had the echo so I could see into your heart without the need for words" moment! again, regardless of whether or not you read that as platonic or romantic, it's indicative of great care! she's saying "I want to understand you. actually, I do understand you because even without knowing what happened, I know that this was immensely painful and I don't want to inflict it upon you again." and then she prefaces asking the wol to recount the events with "when you're ready" .... I also vaguely recall a time (don't remember the expac so if someone knows pls say so) when everyone was ragging on alphinaud and y'shtola was the one to be like "okay hey, this is a bit too much. let's cut it out."

her calling out thancred during shadowbringers and holding him accountable for his behavior toward minfilia/ryne? love. always asking the wol to accompany her and help her observe ruins/artifacts/etc. and asking for their opinions (which is also keeping the wol in her constant sight™ in the event of the slightest change)? love. her being the one to voice that ryne should have her own name because she doesn't deserve to live in someone else's shadow? love. she's a lover. she's brutally honest and she's a reliable friend and everything that she does is rooted in love because she wouldn't ever put in so much effort or hold such high standards for something she didn't care about. one of the most layered and interesting characters in this entire game, not just waifu bait. god.

[atopvisenyashill]

Why do you think Jaehaerys sexually assaulted his own daughter?( I'm genuinely curious)

I have two dedicated tags to this if you want to dig in a bit more - "gael and the bard" and the newly added "jaehaerys the cruel" tags, with this meta here being the kind of jumping off point into that whole theory/analysis. gael and the bard is more focused on gael targaryen herself and the mystery surrounding her pregnancy and suicide; there's a lot of bael the bard imagery surrounding her, being called the winter princess, gael being one letter off from bael, the father of her baby noted to have been a singer, and her status as like, an eternal maiden because of her relationship with alysanne. the jaehaerys the cruel moniker is just a reference to maegor the cruel - i think the play between maegor being outwardly monstrous and jaehaerys being privately monstrous is very interesting! but also it's not like a fun tag name lol so i might change it, haven't decided yet!

but i guess to break down my thought process here - i have never liked that man lmaoooo, i am an og jaehaerys hater. my lil journey here is, i read this series in high school, roughly around the winter of 2012, but i didn't read twoiaf when it came out in 2014, i read that just before i started this blog, so like....idk 2 years ago, roughly, but i was Aware Of Its Existence (they didn't have it at school, the library was kind of far, and it felt like a stupidly expensive book to ask for at the time). i had kinda skimmed over the short stories the princess & the queen and the rogue prince (don't ask me when they came out, icr), and had read all the twow preview chapters so it wasn't like i wasn't up on all the asoiaf world stuff, i just hadn't been able to get my hands on twoiaf, which I do think impacted my view of jaehaerys because the thing is...i just didn't understand the jaehaerys appeal. i won't get into the wanky aspects of fandom (i mean i will if someone asks but idk if you care lol), but i would say in the like 2010-2014 era the fandom was p staunchly and loudly pro targaryen, and not just in a "i love the rot" way but in a "they are the promised heroes" type of way and i never jived with it. i did not enjoy the vast majority of dany's chapters on my first read, nor did i enjoy this weird "well if you like the starks you're a NORMIE" takes that i was constantly seeing, and the sansa v arya war was insane (i'm blocked and have blocked just so many people lol).

i say all that because everyone was UP jaehaerys' ass. i won't name names but i remember a common rebuttal to the "well george is kinda critiquing incest-in-fantasy here and i'm not sure this series is going to end with an incestuous targ restoration" stance was "well if incest is so bad why do jaehaerys and alysanne exist huh? check AND mate incest hater" and it was like............alright, so this is a fandom of deeply unserious people who like to think they are the Expert On Themes instead of just another schmuck with a blog like everyone else. it was just a very condescending tone, always, and it turned me off the targs but especially turned me off jaehaerys.

and it was also like....but what has he done to be so beloved in this fandom??? again, this is pre twoiaf, and then post-twoiaf but pre f&b, so all we know about this dude is that he was called the conciliator because he pardoned the people who sided with maegor, he "protected the faith", he married his sister who gave the watch the gift, he abolished prima noctus, he built a dirt road, he was besties with barth. okay? i always thought the move with the gift was annoying and goofy behavior & i feel very vindicated on being right there esp if aegon’s dream was real, and i’ve always thought the marriages for his kids were kinda weird once we got those in twoiaf and WHAT DO YOU KNOW. like, pre twoiaf everyone was hyping him up as this great king, this paragon of valyrian supremacy, oh he’s so smart and politically minded but he’s not overly cruel, and it was like. we know little about this man in his day to day life though. we know damn well whatever good robert did as king was largely jon arryn's influence so Why are we pretending like just because jaehaerys passed a few good laws it means HE was the one responsible for those ideas (and again I WAS RIGHT). is what he’s doing even that good??

AND THEN FIRE AND BLOOD CAME OUT. and everyone was crying screaming throwing up about how stupid he is, how cruel he is, how weird he is about his daughters, and then people started saying “well you’re being unfair if you don’t like him because-“ i don’t give a shit because i’m validated for not liking that man’s vibes thanks!!!! like…yeah he IS a paragon of targaryen supremacy and this is not a good thing! and especially when you factor in how often the patriarchs of the series have these deeply rooted, very disturbing flaws, i thought the backlash to f&b re: “he ruined jae & aly!” so silly. of COURSE he was weird about his daughters, he eloped with his 12 year old sister and when confronted over it basically said “i do what i want fuck you” that’s not romantic it’s INSANE BEHAVIOR and i’ll stand on that forever!!! marrying your siblings is deranged and idgaf about what magic or political reasoning they have ESPECIALLY when jaehaerys himself refuses a valyrian marriage several times over when it makes more political sense to go that route (in both his own marriage and in the marriages of his grandchildren).

so! i always thought he was boring and weird, then f&b came out and i was vindicated. the thing is, as i read, i guess i was also like. but what is the fuckijg POINT of this guy! he dominates the f&b narrative when there’s way more interesting characters, he has no redeeming qualities, every good thing he does is usually overshadowed by his reasoning being heinous and disturbing, but this book is pushing this idea that he’s the good one, he’s the blueprint, so is it JUST an exploration of like, what ~being a good person~ really means and how reputations & history are very malleable depending on who is recording it??

And then i really started to dig into Saera. Her isolation, her drinking, her sexually tormenting the court fool, the way jaehaerys is always giving her gifts and "indulging" her, the way she's brought before the throne instead of in a private room because what she did is considered like, treasonous basically (what she did being, of course, having sex without her father's permission, lmao!), her very hysterical confrontation with her parents, Jonquil Darke forcing her to watch her boyfriend be murdered, Jaehaerys' insistence on refusing to forgive her and calling her a whore, and of course this weird exchange:

“What have you done?” the king said, when at last the princess ran out of words. “Seven save us, what have you done? Have you given one of these boys your maidenhead? Tell me true.” “True?” said Saera. It was in that moment, with that word, that the contempt came out. “No. I gave it to all three. They all think they were the first. Boys are such silly fools.”

"They all think they were the first." they all think it. i don't think any of those three boys were the first - i think she'd lost her virginity well before she started fooling around with them and when I first read that part my first thought was "I think Jaehaerys knows damn well who she lost her virginity to" and I started spiraling from there.

I decided to do a write up of Jaehaerys Being Deeply Weird Towards His Girls and while there's some things I would change - in particular, I think I'd add more to the Alyssa, Viserra, and Gael sections - there's a reason that the Saera section in particular seemed to really spark off a lot of conversation (not to toot my own horn here lmao) and that reason, imo, is that a lot of people read about what happened between Saera and jaehaerys and go "now what in the goddamn hell is THAT about." Saera more than any of Jaehaerys' kids is imo the canary in the coal mine, so to speak - whatever George intended with F&B, I do think he meant for us to look at the way Jaehaerys talks about Saera and go "this guy has some fucking ISSUES." I don't know that he meant for it to go all the way up to "Jaehaerys is molesting his own kids" route but I do fully believe he meant something in that realm of "Jaaehaerys is cruel to a sexually abusive point to his children" the same way that like, Tywin and Cersei sexually abuse Tyrion but don't outright rape him themselves. I think Jaehaerys was always meant to be aman who is remembered fondly but was an absolute monster in his private life, in contrast to both the kings he succeeded (maegor and aenys) and as a point of comparison to our "modern day" patriarchs who have their own hang ups surrounding their daughters in Tywin, Doran, Ned, Robert, Jon, and Hoster.

[asteroidsdusts]

The Silence After the War

Gowther x King ; The Seven Deadly Sins

Word Count: 2.6K

Summary: Set after the war, Diane had left King behind, he had no one around him but the fairies and everything felt quiet. One morning King wakes up to Gowther outside of the forest in need of a place to stay.

(sorry there are weird time skips in this i’m new to writing one shots and this would have definitely read better in a long fanfiction font, but i wanted to shorten it and add time skips to keep it in one shot form </3 )

The war was over, but the silence it left behind was louder than the war ever was. King sat high in the branches of the World Tree, overlooking the Fairy King's Forest, the fairies were rebuilding during this time, and peace was finally restored.

Diane had left weeks ago, the giants needed her, she was born to lead them, and King couldn’t bring himself to follow, not this time, he told her that he’d wait and that he understood. He wasn’t sure if that was the truth any more.

The next morning he awoke to the sound of someone knocking – his magical barrier at the forest's edge. As King floated down, whoever it was, had walked straight through it. He blinked slowly, his vision still slightly blurry from his rest.

“Gowther?” The doll stood there, as expressionless and strange as ever. “What do you want?” King asked, and Gowther tilted his head slightly.

“I wish to observe the development of emotional stability after the war, particularly among those with extended lifespans; Fairies, for example.” King crossed his arms as Gowther spoke, he still didn’t fully trust the other sin.

“Is this one of your manipulation experiments?” King asked, his tone coming off more harsh than he intended.

“I am just interested in studying, I do not wish to harm anyone.” Gowther explained, pausing a bit before continuing. “I don’t really have any place to go, and I figured this would be good for me, I want to learn more about those around me.”

King hesitated at Gowthers words, he thought about how lonely he had felt since Diane leaving, and he didn’t have much contact with the other sins, he couldn’t imagine how lonely Gowther also felt, especially after learning he’d had a heart after all. King felt his chest ache, but he still kept his guard up.

“... Fine, just don’t mess with anyone's head.”

“I won’t,” Gowther replied.

At first the two rarely spoke. Gowther would spend days exploring the forest, he either had a notebook in hand, recording the things around him, or he had a book in hand reading peacefully. King had kept a close eye on Gowther, still not having full trust in him.

Each night Gowther would go up to the old treehouse that King had offered him for shelter, he never asked for anything else. King would stay close by, silently, still suspicious.

One night, a storm had rolled in, King floated above making sure everyone had made it to shelter safely, it was a particularly harsh storm, thats when he noticed a glimmer of pink down below, Gowther.

“What the hell are you doing?” King asked as he flew down next to the doll.

Gowther blinked, “rain feels strange. I’ve never noticed before, when it hits my skin I feel…” He didn’t finish.

King grabbed Gowther's arm, dragging him to shelter. “It’s not safe out there right now.” King spoke once they got to safety. Gowther looked up at him confused. “You can’t just stand outside during a storm.” King said firmly.

“Okay.”

They stood there in an awkward silence as the storm brewed outside. King sighed softly, dragging a hand through his hair, he sat down, motioning Gowther to sit beside him, Gowther muttered out a thank you as he sat down quietly. King turned his gaze to look as Gowther sat down, King held eye contact with Gowther, his eyes normally vacant, held something different now, he wasn’t exactly sure how to place it… longing?

That night when he returned home, he decided to get some rest for the night, he laid down he couldn’t silence the thoughts about Gowther. He didn’t understand his feelings. He tried to redirect his thoughts to Diane but the longer she was away the more King knew that his love for Diane was one that was made out of comfort, something he knew and felt safe in, he knew it wasn’t his true feelings and he let it drag on too scared to allow himself to know anything else. King didn’t particularly like new feelings, it made him feel less in control, he couldn’t help but cry that night before he was finally able to get some rest.

The following weeks King kept a distance from Gowther, that was until one evening when he noticed Gowther sitting at the edge of a stream, holding a broken flute.

“It belonged to a child,” he spoke a he felt Kings presence. “She gave it to me after I told her that her lullaby made my chest feel tight. She said it meant I had a heart.” King slightly flinched at Gowthers words, he knew that Gowther had to have been struggling with his memories, still not fully understanding, King wouldn’t even know what to do in his situation, and he couldn’t help but feel a pang of empathy for the pink haired man.

“You’re clearly trying, and that’s more than most.” King spoke gently, as he crouched down next to Gowther. As Gowther looked up to him, he couldn’t help but smile.

–

Over the course of sometime, King shared more moments with Gowther, unsure of what it meant.

Gowther’s footsteps were light, almost too light for someone so full of questions.

King watched him from a high branch, arms crossed, hovering in a half-hearted patrol. The fairies below didn’t mind Gowther. They found him strange, sure, but harmless, and curious. Some of them even liked answering his questions.

King didn’t understand it, didn’t understand him.

He still remembered everything, Diane’s lost memories, the awkward puppet movements, the way Gowther used to talk like a script he hadn’t finished reading. That guy had messed with people’s minds, warped their hearts, lied without blinking.

And now?

Now he stood barefoot in the shallows of the river, letting tadpoles swim around his ankles like he had nothing better to do. He had tied his sleeves up clumsily, the hem of his tunic was wet. He looked… normal.

King’s brow furrowed.

What was he even doing here?

He said he wanted to learn about emotions. That he didn’t have anywhere else to go. But was that it? Was that really why he’d come? King didn’t know what made him more uneasy; the idea that Gowther was lying, or the idea that he wasn’t.

That night, King couldn’t sleep. The forest was too still, the kind of quiet that pressed in on you, like the world had exhaled and forgotten to breathe again. He lay in his hammock, listening to the soft creak of branches, and thinking, again about Diane.

He rolled over and closed his eyes, and saw Gowther standing in the rain again, face tilted to the sky like he was trying to feel something, what kind of idiot stood in a storm like that?

King’s fingers curled, Gowther was strange. But he stayed. Gowther stayed.

He didn’t push. He didn’t pry. He didn’t treat King like a ruler. He just… showed up. Day after day. Sometimes, King wondered if the loneliness in Gowther was louder than his own, and that was the part that scared him, because it was starting to feel familiar.

–

King had noticed that Gowther began acting off, Not in his usual, analytical way, more withdrawn. He’s stopped asking questions. He avoids eye contact. Something’s shifting, and King, who’s more attuned to subtle emotions than he lets on picks up on it.

One night, King senses a strange magical frequency near the old part of the forest. It’s faint but persistent, like a magical heartbeat. Curious, he follows it. King lands near an abandoned glade, one they hadn’t used since before the war. He could hear something, a low hum of magic, subtle but unnatural. There was a small structure nearby, makeshift, like someone tried to hide it.

Inside was a table. Notes. Magical etchings carved into the surface, and in the center a crystalline object shaped like an open eye, resting in a containment field.

King approaches cautiously. The relic reacts to him. He freezes. For a moment, he doesn’t breathe. Then, from behind him—

“It only happened once.” Gowther’s voice. Quiet. Honest. Guilty.

King turns slowly. Gowther stands there, unreadable but softer than usual. Like the act of being caught has cracked something open.

“You used it on me?” King asks. His voice is thin.

“I activated the resonance field for a moment. Less than three seconds,” Gowther says. “It didn’t alter anything. It only… harmonized our magical auras. I wanted to see if I could sense compatibility—emotional potential.” The goat sin claimed in a matter-of-fact way.

King stares at him. “And you didn’t think to ask?” He didn’t know what to think of the situation, confusion was making him feel dizzy.

“I was afraid,” Gowther admits. “Afraid that if I asked, you’d say no. And that if you said no, it would mean this feeling I’ve been having… isn’t real.” King couldn’t even process what the other man was saying, his anger was already building up too fast to really be able to process what was going on.

King’s fists clench. “So you stole a piece of it instead, You stole a moment from me,” King said, the tremble in his voice surprised even him.

“I didn’t alter you,” Gowther said. “I only looked.”

“But I didn’t know.” King stepped forward. “That moment, by the river, I felt something. Something warm, something that felt like maybe... maybe I wasn’t alone anymore.” His voice cracked. He hated how small he sounded. “And now I don’t know if it was real, Gowther. Or if you made it happen.”

“I didn’t manufacture it,” Gowther said. “I promise, I just needed to know what I was feeling. I don’t trust my emotions yet. I trust yours more.”

“That doesn’t make it okay,” King whispered.

“I know,” Gowther said. “But I didn’t want to study you. I wanted to be sure. Because... because I think I feel something that I don’t have the words for.” Gowther stood with his hands folded behind his back, it had started to rain, and neither of them had moved. King hovered just above the ground, wings twitching, fists clenched at his sides.

“I told you not to mess with people’s minds,” King snapped, he hated the way this whole situation was making him feel, he didn’t understand it.

“I didn’t change anything,” Gowther said calmly. “I only observed, it was a passive resonance field, non-invasive.”

“You used magic on me without asking!”

“It wasn’t manipulation. I only wanted to know if—”

“If what? If you could feel something? If I would?” King tried rasing his voice, but his voice ended up cracking. Gowther flinched not visibly, but something in his posture wavered.

“I’m trying to understand what love feels like,” he said. “You… confuse me.” There it was again. That flat, patient voice, like he was discussing weather patterns or potion ingredients, not something that had deeply affected King and felt like something was tearing through him inside out.

‘You confuse me.’ Like King was a puzzle. A broken clock he wanted to fix.

He didn’t get it. He never did, you don’t get to study love. You don’t get to poke at it until it spills its guts and then write it down and move on. You don’t get to test if someone feels something for you.

Because the truth was—

The truth was—

King didn’t know what he felt, not exactly. Not anymore, but it was real, and Gowther had looked at it like it was just another line in a book, and King couldn’t stand that.

King’s voice came out lower this time. “You think you’re the only one who doesn’t understand love? You think you’re the only one trying to figure out if what you feel is real?”

Gowther blinked. “You’ve… questioned it?”

“I’ve lived with it. Loved someone with my heart, and still asked myself every day if I was enough. If I was feeling it right. If she was ever going to come back. If I should’ve held on tighter or let go sooner.” His wings folded in, the ache behind his ribs was unbearable. “And then you come in here,” he muttered, “with your blank stares and your questions and, and you just… you make it worse. You make it quiet, and I hate it.”

Silence.

Gowther stepped forward, carefully. The rain had softened into a mist.

“I’m sorry,” he said. “I didn’t mean to hurt you.” King’s chest tightened.

“I don’t want to be an experiment, Gowther.”

“You’re not,” Gowther said quietly.

King looked at him then, really looked, at the damp lashes stuck to his cheeks, the gentle tremble in his shoulders, no facade, no calculation. Just… him.

“Then what am I?” King asked.

Gowther hesitated. Then; “You’re the first person I’ve ever missed before you were gone.” The rain had stopped. Mist clung to the forest floor like breath held too long. .King stood frozen, the anger had drained from him all at once, leaving nothing behind but weight, that ache again. That unbearable warmth that wasn’t just pain, it was want.

Gowther stood a few feet away, his hands were still folded behind him, but his eyes… they were different. Not empty, just full, soft. Almost afraid.

‘What are you doing to me?

You’re not supposed to look at me like that. Like I’m something you don’t want to figure out. Like I don’t have to explain everything I’m feeling for it to matter.

I didn’t ask for this. I didn’t want—

But you stay. Every day, you stay.

Even when I don’t say a word.

What is it called when someone makes you want to stop hiding?’

King took a shaky breath. “Gowther,” he said, quietly. “You don’t understand what you’re saying”

“I think I do now,” Gowther replied, and then, almost tentatively he reached out. His fingers hovered for a moment in the air, as if waiting for permission, then settled lightly against King’s hand. King flinched, not from fear, from the softness of it. The gentleness of a gesture that didn’t ask for anything in return.

“You make it quiet,” King said, his voice breaking. “But it’s not bad. It’s… peaceful, and I haven’t felt peaceful in a long time.”

“I’ve never felt it at all,” Gowther admitted, the hand in King’s tightened slightly. “I didn’t understand why I wanted to stay here,” Gowther continued, voice so soft it barely stirred the mist. “But I think it’s because, when I’m near you, I feel closer to something real. I don’t want to study love anymore. I want to learn how to give it. To choose it.” He paused.

“I want to choose you.”

King didn’t answer with words, he stepped forward, closed the space between them, and leaned his forehead against Gowther’s. No kiss, not yet. That would come in time, but in that moment, the silence between them was complete, comforting, warm.

“I don’t know what this is either,” King whispered, “but… I’ll stay, if you will.”

“I will.”

Later that night, they sat side by side in the treehouse. Two mugs of tea, two hearts still learning the shape of one another. King dozed off first, head tilting lightly to rest against Gowther’s shoulder, Gowther didn’t move, he just sat there, still as the stars, a quiet smile curving at the corners of his mouth.

For the first time in his long, fragmented existence, Gowther didn’t wonder whether the feeling in his chest was real.

He knew it was.

[baby-yongbok]

Manipulation

Han Jisung x Fem!Reader

-`♡´- Genre: Friends to Lovers - Supernatural themes

-`♡´- Summary: Jisung is all that you have and you're all that he wants.

-`♡´- Word Count: 6k

-`♡´- Warnings: Mentions of Blood (Like, a lot, though no one ever bleeds), Supernatural themes (Jisung and Reader have supernatural abilities), Violence, Use of drugs & alcohol (Smoking While driving -please don't do that), [I think that's all.]

-`♡´- A/N: Jisung is basically a blood bender and that's fucking awesome to me.. so enjoy!+ the reader is depicted as chubby/plus size and is a POC ♡. All feedback is appreciated! Thanks for reading! 💗

-`♡´- Note - Hemokinesis or Blood Manipulation is the ability to control and manipulate blood.

-`♡´- Masterlist -`♡´-

We should have never met but the fact that we did means that chaos is a naturally occurring thing in this world. Why do I say that? Let’s just say that Jisung and I are not the type of people that you want around. We’re the exact opposite. Degenerates. The evil in a good situation, and we whole heartedly don’t give a fuck about the damage we cause because the only thing that matters is the fact that we have each other. We’ll always have each other. Now, what could we possibly do that’s so bad? We manipulate, but not in the way that you’d expect.

“Hey, bubs?” Turning to face Jisung from my spot in front of my closet I feel my legs weaken beneath me as I stumble backwards a bit, using the door frame behind me to keep me up. The feeling is gone just as fast as it came and I take a second to ground myself before flashing a well deserved middle finger in Jisung’s direction.

“Fuck you with the iron manipulation.” He erupts into a fit of laughter as I abandon the task of trying to locate the bag that he lent me that I’m more than sure is buried in my closet. I was going to be nice and finally return it but after that stunt I think that I’ll keep it for a bit longer. “You think you’re so funny.” I sit on the edge of my bed, glaring at my best friend as his laughs intertwine with the music playing from my speakers. He always gets a kick out of using his abilities on me, he’s had his fun now I’ll have mine. I lift my hand towards Jisung and his laughter stops instantly. 

“Yeah?” With a grin Jisung looks around aimlessly. “Gonna take my sight away? You’re playing dirty now.” 

“Oh am I? Come get me, Ji.” Standing and backing away from my bed a bit, I keep my control over his sight as he reaches out in front of him, swatting his hand in an attempt to hit me. I mimic his earlier laughter as he struggles to navigate the newfound darkness. 

“Ya know, the good thing about my abilities is that, if I want them to, they apply to everyone in the room no matter if I can see you or not.” He clenches his fist and my body stiffens. “So now, you’re locked in place and I definitely can find you.” Standing carefully from the bed he holds his hands out to keep from banging into anything. I try to speak but the blood in my body is literally frozen under Jisung’s control, don’t ask me how I’m even still alive with one of the most important units of my life force frozen inside of me, I don’t know the answer. Nobody does. That’s why Jisung’s ability is so dangerous, it doesn’t make any sense. The only thing that I do know is that if I try to retaliate even a little I’ll be on Jesus’s doorstep. 

“Mmm, I can hear you breathing.” He chuckles a bit as he takes his final step before bumping right into me. Unclenching his fist and freeing my blood from his bind he catches me as my body gives out from the sudden blood rush. His sight restores itself as I release my bind on his vision. 

“Got ya” Looking up at him with angry eyes we both can’t help but to erupt into laughter. This is what we do, we use our powers to mess with each other and get what we want. There’s only a select few of us who can do the things we do, why would we want to waste it by doing what society wants us to? I understand that we can be troublesome from time to time like when we crash parties… or cars, but this isn’t our fault I swear.

If people didn’t think that we were monsters maybe we’d behave differently. If people didn’t think that Jisung was a criminal then maybe he’d be more willing to calm down. But no, because he is the only living person with hemokinesis in this city that we know of, he’s labeled as high risk and everyone is constantly on his back the moment he steps outside. There’s never been anyone willing to get to know him until he met me during our freshmen year of university. People aren’t too fond of me either, I guess having the ability to manipulate bodily function is scary? Seems pretty mundane to me. We were outcasts so naturally we gravitated towards each other and before we knew it we were best friends, partners in crime that promised to protect each other from everyone's nasty comments and condescending stares. That was short lived though because we both dropped out of university a month after we met. 

The sound of The Neighborhood playing blares through my room and cuts through our laughter as we start to dance a bit as I regain my composure and even out my breathing. He sways me as we dance hand in hand through my dim bedroom before pushing me back onto the mattress and plopping down next to me. 

“You know what would make this Friday night a real win?” He asks and I look over at him. “Weed and a couple of beers.” 

“Then what are we still doing here? You’re driving.” Sitting up and grabbing my sweater next to my bed I stand with Jisung as we put our shoes on and grab our stuff. We leave my bedroom and cut through the kitchen to avoid my brother and father in the living room. The worst thing about dropping out of college is having to still live with the little bit of family I have left. Rent costs an arm and a leg around here so right now my minimum wage job won’t cut it. 

“Going out.” I call to them.

We hear quick footsteps approach as I reach for the doorknob, before I can turn it completely my father appears to the left of us catching our attention. “Where are you headed?” He only wants to know so that he can listen out for any gossip later. He knows that Jisung and I will be the talk of the town if we do anything too extreme. I’ve learned that what everyone else finds to be extreme is very different from what we think. Death is extreme to us, a fire or a house crumbling to the ground, those are extreme events. To everyone else, either of us breathing is enough to get the damn president to send out the troops. 

“Not sure yet, gonna drive around a bit.” I notice my step-brother standing behind my dad glaring at Jisung from over his shoulder. “Oh, Ji didn’t you want to head by that store?” 

I take Jisung’s hand in mine and interlock our fingers. Both my father and brother’s eyes lock in on the gesture and they both seem to try and stop themselves from having a visceral reaction, they failed.  Jisung catches on quickly and joins in on my little game. “Yeah, I did, they have a huge parking lot and it’s always busy. I thought we could go and put on a show.” 

Jisung nudges me suggestively and I genuinely chuckle in response. What makes me laugh harder is my brother, San’s clenched jaw and my dads disgusted yet furious gaze locked on Jisung. I can tell that he’s praying that it’s a joke, praying that he and I aren’t really dating or fucking or anything like that. I’m sure that he would rather be stoned to death than hear me say that Jisung and I are dating. He’s so lucky that we’re not.

“Relax, I’m joking.”  Jisung says before opening the front door and placing his hand on the small of my back. “It’s always empty so it’ll be a private show.” 

I can’t help the laughter that escapes me as Jisung leads me out of the front door, swiftly closing it behind us. My dad calls after me but we just hurry over to his car like we didn’t hear him. “I’ll take good care of her.” Jisung yells back towards the house before sliding into the front seat and slamming the door closed. 

“You’re horrible.” I scoff as I buckle myself in.

“You started it.” He shrugs as he starts his horribly old pick up truck and pulls out of the driveway.

As funny as that was, I know that I’m going to hear an earful later, especially from San, he’d kill Jisung if he could and I know that for a fact. San despises anyone with abilities but he has a special hate for Jisung, he’s gone on endless rants over the years hoping that one day I’d suddenly agree that he’s right and that Jisung is a monster, that day hasn’t come and it never will. 

“You grab the beer, I’ll stock up on snacks.”  Jisung says as he shuts his car off and steps into the gas station parking lot. 

“Roger that.” I coughed a bit before ashing the tip of the blunt we were sharing. I’d be lying if I said that the weed we’ve been smoking for the past fifteen minutes wasn’t starting to get to me. I have a much lower tolerance than Jisung but you would never be able to tell since I’ve mastered the art of hiding it. Doing recreational drugs isn’t exactly welcomed at my house with my father being a part of the city government. Oh, did I forget to mention that my dad is the city attorney? How else do you think that Jisung and I are still walking free after all of the shit we get into. My dad might hate the guy but he’s saved us both more times than I can count.

We waltz into the store and go our separate ways to complete our mission. I head right over to the fridge housing our desired golden liquid and grab two cases, one of my favorite brand and one of Jisung’s. As I’m walking up to the front of the store I hear what sounds like aggravated voices going back and forth, when did that start? It was silent a second ago. As I get closer I realize that it’s the store clerk ranting at a now very aggravated Jisung. Seriously? We just left the house. 

“All the stores in the area and this kid had to pick mine. We don’t serve the likes of you here.”  Jisung hasn’t said more than two words to the guy since I’ve been standing here. He just lets him go on and on since we’re very used to this type of thing happening. They complain, take our money, complain some more and then we leave. 

“If you’d let me pay I can leave.” Jisung states matter of factly as he slaps a twenty on the counter. “ I’ll take those cases too.” 

I walk up next to him and place the cases on the counter. “I got this” I slip in front of Jisung and smile at the man behind the counter. He’s pissing me off but he doesn’t have to know that. I often try to intervene before things get too out of hand, especially when Jisung is high. He already has a fairly short temper and for some reason it’s way worse when he’s under the influence. 

“This is all, sir.” I say to the clerk as I pick up the twenty and extend my arm towards him.

“You’re with that degenerate? Aren’t you Choi’s daughter?” Closing my eyes tightly I sigh keeping my arm extended towards him. Of course he recognises me, just wonderful. One of the downsides to being the city attorney’s daughter is that almost everyone knows your face. This is why I stopped going to those Godforsaken press conferences. “You’re gonna get yourself killed hanging with him.”

“No, it’s you that’s going to get yourself killed.” Jisung protests as he lifts his hand in that insufferable man’s direction. 

“Ji, come on” The clerk behind the counter instantly starts to moan in pain so I assume that he is using his Thermovariance, in other words, he’s boiling his fucking blood. Not enough to kill him, just enough to nearly get a steam rolling. 

“Han, seriously, let's just go.” He’s a sucker for me calling him Han, I never understood why but I don’t care as long as it gets me what I want.

He sighs, dropping his hand and rolling his eyes at me. He’s pissed off and I understand that but I’m not trying to build a criminal record at this age, maybe in my late twenties but not now. “Leave the cash, let's go before I empty him.” Placing the money down on the counter I grab some of the snacks and one of the cases of beer and leave the rest for Jisung to grab.

“Have a good night” I called over to the disoriented clerk before getting back into the car. 

“I’m way too high for this shit.”  Jisung groans as he lights a new blunt before starting the car. He takes a long drag before passing it to me and driving off. We get some ways down the road in comfortable silence before he breaks the barrier.

 “Why do you still hang out with me?” I can barely hear his question over the music but he looks at me expectantly anyway. I shrug as I stare forward and focus on the passing streetlights.

“To piss off my dad obviously.” Jisung scoffs, snatching the blunt from me and bringing it to his lips.

“I always knew you were using me.” He shakes his head as he blows a thick stream of smoke through his nose in a deep exhale. “Such a bitch.”

Neither of us can contain our laughter as we fan at the cloud of smoke surrounding us. He may have asked a serious question but he knew that I wouldn’t give him a serious answer. We save the serious stuff for when we’re so stoned that we can hear colors and taste sounds, this is only the beginning. 

“If I can’t use you for sex then I might as well use you for something.” 

“And why can’t you use me for sex?” He quips back with a light chuckle. My red eyes meet his for a split second before looking down at the blunt that he’s passing me. 

“Well first of all that’s disgusting and second of all I’m not trying to have my brother actually kill you. The only reason he hasn’t is because he knows that we’re just playing around.” I lean forward to ash the blunt on the dashboard and open the window to air out the car, the smoke mixed with the obvious sexual tension in here is suffocating. 

There wasn’t an ounce of truth to me saying that fucking Jisung would be disgusting and he knows that, we’ve talked about this more than once. He thinks I’m hot which I find hard to believe since I’m not really a reflection of the girls that he likes to date. I’m thick, a lot thicker than anyone he’s ever slept with but he’s gone on several rants about just how much he loves my body so I have no reason to doubt the validity of his statement. Jisung on the other hand is exactly my type, honey skin and soft brown hair with a beautifully toned body and an impossibly tiny waist. He’s unreal and he knows it. Despite his social status there are a slew of women who are dying to piss off their families by having him dick them down in the backseat of his car on any given tuesday. They use him as revenge bait and he knows it but he doesn’t care as long as he gets to nut. 

We’ve talked about things that friends normally discuss like when we lost our virginity or how many times we’ve touched ourselves thinking about each other, it’s all water under the bridge for us… I think. The tension between us always builds a bit higher on nights like this, I mean who doesn’t get horny when they’re high right? But on a serious note I can’t fuck Jisung no matter how attracted to him I might be because that would complicate things and he’s the only uncomplicated thing in my life. My dad and step-brother haven’t been the same since we lost my mom five years ago and then a week after that my sister fell to the same fate. My only remaining blood sibling wants nothing to do with any of us and San and I have an intricate relationship to say the least. Sleeping with my best friend would be like setting myself up for failure. 

“First of all, that’s rude and second of all your brother loves me.” The teasing tone in his voice fades into a chuckle that prompts an eye roll from me. 

“Do you want to kill everyone that you love?” He shrugs and hums lightly before glancing over at me with his eyebrows raised and his lips pulled into a thin line. “Fuck you, Ji.”

He laughs, eyes focused on the nearly empty street in front of him as we stop at a light. “I hope you know that I'd kill him before he kills me.” Jisung glances over at me, his features are cold and serious. I stare back at him, mirroring his expression the best I can before cracking a small smile. “I know where we can hide the body.”

“Fucking maniac.” He scoffs with a smile and I laugh with him. He turns onto the highway and I turn the radio up to a deafening volume. 

“Speed up, what’re ya scared?” I reach up and open the sunroof and Jisung watches me as he bops his head to the music. He lets down all of the windows as I stand on my seat and stick my upper half out of the sunroof just as he speeds up. He’s probably going ten over the limit right now but I don’t see any cops around and there are barely any cars on the road. He starts racing imaginary cars, weaving between lanes and effectively throwing me side to side as I try to enjoy the night breeze. This has been my thing since I was a kid, my mom would let me stand in the car as my dad sped down the highway, she’d let me climb onto the middle console and stick my arms up out of the sunroof while she held me in place. It was dangerous but it was so much fun, so freeing.

The vibration of the bass shook the car as it glided down the highway. My skirt blew in the wind rushing through the window as Jisung sped up bit by bit. Suddenly, I feel warmth on my thigh and all of my concentration goes to that spot. Jisung’s fingers trail up my leg and caress the skin peaking out in the diamonds of my fishnet stockings. Though he and I agree that we could never fuck each other the bond that we foster isn’t exactly conventional. We like to touch each other, he’ll rub my thigh or hold me from behind casually and I reciprocate his actions on a regular basis. This is our normal, the part that’s new to me is the slow trail that his hand is making towards my heat. I can hear him singing the song on the radio as he speeds up just a bit more, probably hitting 85 in the 60 by now. His hand continues up my thigh, moving to the side to trace the curve of my hip. 

“Fuck.” I hear him exasperate as I process the sound of police sirens behind us. I crawl back down into my seat and put my seatbelt on. We turn down the music completely and pull over to the shoulder of the highway. I reach into the glove compartment and hand Jisung his registration and we both take our licenses and ability identification cards and place them on the dashboard along with our open hands. When you get pulled over with an abilities like ours, some officers like to try and get a reaction out of you. The last time we got pulled over I was the only thing stopping Jisung from literally killing the officer that decided to get handsy with him.

The officer approaches the window like a snail crossing the street and we both sigh. We exchange knowing looks and I start silently praying to myself, please don’t let this man be an asshole. Once he reaches the window he looks us both over before silently reaching into the car to grab Jisung’s identification and registration “How are you doing tonight, kids.” He checks the registration then his License and lastly his ability card. Jisung and I opt to stay quiet and offer no more than a meek nod in his direction.

“What are you two doing out tonight?” The officer asks as he shines his flashlight in Jisung’s face. His eyes trail up and down Ji’s frame, sizing him up. 

“We’re going on a date.” Jisung shrugs as he makes eye contact with the officer. 

“A date, huh? Where to?”

“Well, sir, I’m trying to surprise my lovely girlfriend here so if it’s alright with you, I'll keep that to myself.” He smiles up at the officer teasingly. The less he knows the better.

“I see.”

“May I ask why we were stopped? Are we getting a ticket?” 

“You were going twenty over the speed limit, I’ll let you love birds off with a warning this time.” The officer pauses before looking over at me. “ I’ll warn you especially ma’am, be careful with this kid he’s dangerous.”

Satisfied with himself, the officer smiles down at the irritated man in the driver's seat. “You two be careful alright? There was some commotion over at the gas station some ways from here. You two wouldn’t happen to know anything about that would ya?” the officer drops all of the collected information into Ji’s lap as he looks between us. 

“Not at all, if we hear anything we’ll be sure to call the station.” I didn’t plan on lying to a cop tonight but I guess this is fine. He looks between us clearly trying to spook us but we’re unfazed, it’s gonna take a lot more than staring behind some black out shades to intimidate us.

“Alright, well then I’ll let you kids go, have a good night.” He starts to walk away but doubles back suddenly, bending down to the window. “And try to sober up a bit before heading home.”

He stalks away again, quicker than when he came and Jisung and I do our best not to laugh. “That was fucking close, is it that obvious that we’re stoned?”

I can’t help the laugh that erupts from my throat as I stuff my ID back into my wallet. Jisung stares at me in confusion as he mimics my actions.

“Dude, we have two cases of beer in the backseat and we literally hot boxed your car a couple of minutes ago. We smell like a dispensary and your eyes are glowing red.” He hurriedly looks into the rearview mirror and examines his appearance.

“ Fuck, you’re right.” He fixes the mirror and sighs, we sit in silence for a bit before he speaks up. “Can you pass me the eyedrops out of the glove compartment?”

“Yeah, sure.” I start searching through the glove compartment but I stop when a waft of smoke floats in my direction. I side eye Jisung as he takes a small drag of the blunt and blows it out of the window.

“Want a hit?” He offers me the blunt with raised brows and I scoff before continuing my search. 

“You’re an idiot.”

“Which one is your favorite?” I ask Jisung as I raise my beer bottle to my lips. After some more aimless driving we ended up going to our favorite spot in some woods just outside of town. It’s the perfect spot for us to be left alone with our antics. We turn the car radio up and rotate between laying in the pick up bed of his car and sitting on a huge rock that we’ve claimed as our own. Right now the blankets spread out in the back of his pick up are way too cozy and inviting to pass up on since it’s gotten a bit chilly out.

“Which what?”

“Which part of your ability?” He looks over at me with a slight blush creeping up his neck and onto his cheeks. He takes a swig of his beer and swiftly follows with a drag of our third shared blunt. I suggested that we stop a long time ago but Jisung insisted on pushing the limits tonight. I’m pretty fucked up from the cross fade of weed and alcohol but I’ll never admit that and I wont have to because the rosy blush on my caramel skin is a dead giveaway.

“Why do you want to know?” A shy laugh slips from his lips and I shrug, it’s just a question why is he getting shy?

“Curious, If you tell me yours I’ll tell you mine.”

“I like that I can control blood flow, it comes in handy.” With furrowed brows I take a swig of my drink while racking my brain trying to figure out how such a thing could be useful. 

“How so?” 

“Ahh.. that, my dear, is something I’d have to show you and I don’t think you want me to show you what I use that for.” He explains turning to me slightly. I mimic his movements turning my body to him and giving him my full attention. 

“Show me.”

“Seriously, I don’t think - “

“What’re ya scared? I thought the Amazing- Bloodbending- Han Jisung wasn’t scared of anything?” My teasing seemed to get to him just a bit, so naturally I continued. “The Jisung that I’m always hearing about is some confident, daring and dangerous man who isn't scared of anything.”

“Fuck it.” He grabs my wrist and pulls me closer to him so that he can put his arm around me. He moves to put his beer down and free his other hand while I watch him in confusion. 

“What are you-” He rolls his eyes, turning back to face me.

“You begged for it and now you want to back out? What’re ya scared?” He mocks my previous question and now it’s my turn to roll my eyes.

“Shut up, I’m just confused.” 

“Trust me, bubs.” He looks me over slowly, too slowly. What's going on here? “Have I ever hurt you before? Okay, wait, don't answer that. Have I ever hurt you on purpose?” With a slight laugh I shake my head. 

“Then relax and let me know if you get uncomfortable.” Without another word from either of us and some rock indie rock song blasting on the radio Jisung takes a deep breath and rubs his fingers together. He then lightly touches my knee and guides my legs apart. I furrow my brows again before he places the palm of his hand over my pelvic bone and I start to feel a euphoric rush in my stomach and legs. The feeling works its way up and down to fill every inch of my body. My core starts to pulse and drip as Jisung watches me closely with his bottom lip caught between his teeth.

“W- what are you -” 

“I increased blood flow to your… you know. It’s like an instant turn on.” The air around me feels thick and I find myself fighting the urge to whine at the building pressure, am I about to… no way, I can’t cum from this. Impossible. “This is my favorite part of my ability.” A shy smile crosses his blushed lips and I can’t help but to stare at them. I always stare but never when he can catch me, I always wonder how they’d feel against my lips and skin. I’ve always wanted to taste them. Woah, what the fuck? No, I can’t think things like that, not about him.

“Okay, cool you c-can stop now.” His eyes stare down at me with a heated gaze, boring holes into my skin. His eyes switch focus between my eyes and my lips as he reluctantly moves his hand. I sigh in relief as I feel my body start to cool down but it’s not enough, I still feel the blistering heat of need crawling under my skin. Fuck, why did he have to show me that? It’s bad enough that we’re out here ten minutes to midnight while I’m in a skimpy skirt and he’s in a tight black tank top. He let me borrow his jacket when the wind picked up and now I want nothing more than to give it back to maybe extinguish these hot and disgusting thoughts running through my head.

“Remember our deal about not fucking?” I stare up at him, wide eyed and feeling vulnerable. “What does that apply to?” 

“What do you… what do you mean?” Suddenly it feels like he never even moved his hand. My body feels hot all over again and I can feel myself clench around nothing desperately.

“I mean I just... Fuck.” He pauses as he takes a second to help me sit up and he picks up his drink and takes a long swig. That was definitely a courage shot, what the hell is he about to say? “I mean.. you have no idea how much I think about just… corrupting you. Manipulating your body, I’ve wanted to do that trick to you since I discovered it.” 

A small chuckle escapes him as he looks over at me trying to gauge my reaction.

“Ji, you know why we agreed to that. Sex leads to complicated relationships or dating or whatever and I can’t do that with you. I can’t risk losing you too.” 

“You wouldn’t.” Jisung's response is nearly a whisper, a desperate plea that came out weaker than he expected. “If we’re together then you’ve got me for life, bubs. You’re my best friend, nothing could ever change that. You’re the only person who doesn’t see me as a monster.”

Now it’s my turn to take a courage shot. I down the rest of my drink, avoiding eye contact like it could kill me. “I get it, you wanna fuck me, you don’t have to butter me up to get in my pants.”

“Hey hey hey, this is about way more than that. I don’t just want to fuck you, you’re so much more than a stupid notch in my belt. I want to be with you. I’ve wanted that for so long and you’ve wanted it too. I know you do. I see the way you look at me all the time, when I stay over at your place and we’re sleeping together and when I’m driving and you think that I don’t notice. You stare at me just like I stare at you, you have that same longing in your eyes.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Don’t lie to me.” He’s serious now, his tone is firm and it adds an extra beat to my already hammering heart. How does he know all of that? How long has it been since he’s noticed?

“Jisung, I don't have feelings for you. You’re hot, that's it.” I’m lying. I’m lying through my fucking teeth and he knows it. I’m a shit liar when I’m faded.

“Then let me kiss you.” He finishes his drink and puts his bottle to the side all while looking straight at me. “If I’m nothing more than your hot best friend, let me kiss you. If you pull away then you’re telling the truth but if you don’t then you feel the same way that I do.”

“I’m not doing that.” My eyes fall to his converse and I take a shaky inhale. There’s no way that this is happening, what is he thinking?

“You are.” He sounds like he’s pleading again, his words are careful but he means them, oh gosh. He leans forward, placing the bend of his pointer finger under my chin and lifting my head until my gaze meets his. “I’m sick of us pretending” He whispers, his voice full of emotion. I can’t look away, my heart is pounding in my chest and I take a deep breath. His other hand reaches for mine, taking it and pressing chaste kisses to my knuckles. His eyes squeeze shut with each kiss and I can’t help but to take in the sight of him, his features softened by emotion, his emotions for me. I let out a shaky breath and whisper back. 

"Han, we shouldn’t."

“Why not?” His eyes are still closed and he squeezes my hand as his lips move against the back of it. “I know you better than anyone on this earth. I love you more than anyone in this universe, you love me too, I know you do. What are you afraid of?”

“I told you, I can’t lose you.” My voice sounds more strained than I anticipated but I ignore it, it’s a reflection of how I feel. A verbal representation of the hurricane in my chest.

“If you’re so afraid to lose me then why won’t you be mine? Why won’t you let me have you?”

“Ji, stop it.” He drops the hand that he was kissing and moves his other hand to completely cup my cheek. We’re so close that his exhales are my inhales and I swear I can hear his heart pounding from here or maybe that’s mine.

“Let me kiss you.”

“Jisung” His name is merely a whisper as I exhale.

“Let me.” He whispers back and the sweet sound of his voice rings in my ears.

“Han.” I inhale the scent of him but it’s not the same, it's desperate, but it’s sweet. Much sweeter than usual.

“I’m going to kiss you.” He closes the gap between us and I hold my breath. His lips touch mine and the heat that I was feeling earlier multiplies with a spark of burning desire. He’s kissing me. My best friend is kissing me and only one word comes to mind. Perfect, this moment is perfect, he is perfect and I desperately don’t want him to be. His lips move against mine slowly, passionately, and I almost feel like I’m floating. I thought that I’d feel panic. I thought that I’d be scared but I’m not, he was right. Fuck it.

I sigh into the kiss as I melt into his touch, his fingers caress my cheek softly as I wrap my arms around his neck and pull him closer to me. His other hand rests on my hip, squeezing lightly and guiding me forward to straddle his lap. I climb onto him as I savor his taste. There's hints of beer and the blunt we shared but there’s a sweetness to it, it’s something that I can only describe as being him. It’s Jisung that I taste and he’s flooding my senses. 

“I knew it.” He whispers against my lips before pressing me back into a hungry kiss. Our lips abuse each other relentlessly as they move in tandem. I can’t seem to control the small whines that escape me but I don’t mind because each one of my whines is matched with a desperate groan from Jisung. 

“Be mine.” He whispers into my mouth and I sigh, content at the sound of it. He wants me, he wants to be with me… but what if I lose him?

“Ji.” I whisper back, trying my best to pull away but he holds me there. His hand on my cheek kept my lips on his. “Jisung” I lightly push at his chest, I can’t do this. We can’t do this. What if everything goes wrong? What if I lose him too? “Han.”

He stops, pulling away with heavy breath and dilated pupils. His blushed lips are more red than usual and he dips his tongue out to lick them quickly as he stares up at me. 

“I can’t…” There’s a hoarse scratch to my voice as I stare back at him. “I can’t lose… we can’t do this.”

“We just did.”

[lucky-clover-gazette]

kings rising highlights & annotations

chapter 12

indented text is from the book. some quotes have commentary, some do not. some comments are serious, and some are definitely not. most of them will only make sense to people who have read the series. and, like, there are spoilers. so please read the books first if you're interested!

also: part of the reason i'm doing such a close reading is to study cs pacat's style, especially in terms of how she does romance and erotica. there are "craft notes" that might seem weird, like i'm being redundant or restating something rather than analyzing, but those are more things that i want to remember/take away from the writing!

i'm going to tag these longer posts with "sam reads capri" in case anyone wants to read them all at once.

this is a google doc i wrote with overall content warnings for the captive prince series. it's not perfect, but i do think it's important to include.

It was as if some protective membrane had been torn away and everything that he had not let himself feel was exposed behind the rupture.

this is a beautifully written sentence

He had nothing left to hold it back, only this raw, terrible feeling, of being denied family.

it’s interesting how he takes this as being denied family. it’s less of a literal denial, and more of him reckoning with the reality he’s been avoiding for the entire series: his father and kastor were/are incredibly flawed people, and in kastor’s case actively committed/attempted familicide. it’s less the denial of family itself and more the denial of the family he thought he had, and the ideal of family being loyal and dependable. that same disillusionment must have happened to laurent when auguste died and the regent started mistreating him.

In his life, he had known only one parent. His father had been to him a set of ideals, a man he looked up to, and strove to please, a standard against whom he measured himself. Since his father’s death, he had not allowed himself to think or feel anything but determination that he would return, that he would see his home again, and restore himself to the throne.

okay i think i kinda hinted at some mild criticism of king’s rising in my last set of annotations, and a some people agreed in that it seems like she had an editor and was writing to be traditionally published. i think i see that here. i don’t think captive prince or prince’s gambit pacat would have spelled this out here, as clearly as she does. it’s well-written, but also something we could easily understand between the lines. it almost feels less effective this way, although that’s partially because i’m so used to a certain style and approach from the author.

Now he felt as if he stood in front of his father, felt his father’s hand in his hair, as he never would again. He had wanted his father to be proud of him; and had failed him, in the end.

yeah, i’m sorry, but this feels really out of place. both in terms of the writing and the fact that it’s included at all. feels like some editor was like “you need to spell it out for the casual readers who are just interested in the porn if you want the scene to be effective.” the turns of phrase are a little trite and the entire thing just seems so… obvious? maybe i’m being too harsh, but i am curious what others think.

Laurent said, ‘No. I’m not here to—’ He said, ‘I’m just here.’

this is a lovely line. laurent knows damen thinks his presence is a call to action, but wants him to know he’s safe and can just exist. a little bit of a reversal between them.

Laurent, he realised, had guarded his solitude for him. And his people, fearing the fierce, strange foreign prince, had done as Laurent ordered, and stayed out. He was stupidly, profoundly grateful for that.

again with the reversal—similar to what happened after aimeric/nicaise

Before he could, he felt Laurent’s fingers on the back of his neck, a shock of touch that caught him in a tumult of confusion as it drew him forward, simply. It was, from Laurent, slightly awkward; sweet; rare; stiff with obvious inexperience. If he had been offered this as an adult, he couldn’t remember it.

<3 i still think we’re getting a lot spelled out for us, but it’s so lovely here that i don’t mind.

‘Now you are taking advantage of my kind-hearted instincts,’ Laurent said, a murmur into his ear.

:)

He let his lips form a half-smile. ‘You aren’t going to offer me one of your gaudy Veretian handkerchiefs?’ ‘You could use the clothing you’re wearing. It’s about the same size.’ ‘Your poor Veretian sensibilities. All those wrists and ankles.’ ‘And arms and thighs and every other part.’ ‘My father’s dead.’

YEP THIS IS GREAT. love how it takes this swift u-turn away from their usual banter. we know these characters and how they usually speak, so this is effective on its own

The words had a finality to them.

... so we don’t need this! we GET that finality from the way they heavily contrast with the light banter and stop it abruptly with "my father's dead."

His father was buried in Akielos beneath the columned halls of the silent, where the pain and confusion of his last days would never trouble him again.

this might be giving us a little hint of damen almost wanting to be dead himself? in the sense that it would be peaceful, to not have to deal with this bullshit. he hasn't grown up having these kinds of feelings acknowledged so he's unprepared to cope with them now.

‘You thought he was a warmonger. An aggressive, war-hungry king, who invaded your country on the flimsiest of pretexts, hungry for land and the glory of Akielos.’ ‘No,’ said Laurent. ‘We don’t have to do this now.’

laurent doesn’t disagree. the “no” is for “i’m not letting you do this yourself emotionally.” and laurent would know all about torturing himself with harsh realities about dead people during intimate and vulnerable moments, so that’s really saying something

‘A barbarian,’ said Damen, ‘with barbaric ambitions, fit only to rule by the sword. You hated him.’ ‘I hated you,’ said Laurent. ‘I hated you so badly I thought I’d choke on it. If my uncle hadn’t stopped me, I would have killed you. And then you saved my life, and every time I needed you, you were there, and I hated you for that, too.’ ‘I killed your brother.’

this feels a little bit like a summary, but i’ll allow it since they’re having an honest conversation while knowing each other fully for like the first time. do you think this is the chapter that was edited/pitched to publishers first? i don’t know exactly how publishing works, but it does feel just kind of weird

‘What are you doing here?’ Damen said.

i like how we get some insecurity from damen here. we don’t see it often, like this. he is surprised that laurent wants him, even while he is being vulnerable. i’d say it’s a toxic masculinity thing, but in the context of this world it’s more of a toxic royalty thing

Laurent said, ‘I know what it’s like to lose family.’

(as an answer to “what are you doing here?”) i get what this is trying to say, i think. laurent is looking past his anger at damen for auguste and offering him empathy, even though damen caused the tragedy that allows laurent to be empathetic in this case. it still feels… slightly off, though. maybe it’s even the fact that damen asked in the first place. maybe it’s the fact that laurent answered verbally. so much between them has been unspoken thus far, and i don’t see why that needs to change, even though they’re in a more supportive relationship. that can be implicit, too. and that unspoken understanding makes it even more intimate and distinctly Them.

‘Is there no way forward for us?’ said Damen. It just came out. Beside him, he could feel Laurent holding himself very still. ‘You mean, will I come back to your bed for the little time we have left?’ ‘I mean that we hold the centre. We hold everything from Acquitart to Sicyon. Can we not call it a kingdom and rule it together? Am I such a poorer prospect than a Patran princess, or a daughter of the Empire?’

he mentions unification so casually, which is both rewarding to the reader who has been screaming it for chapters but also kind of… annoying? i don’t know, so much of this feels in service of the imminent sex scene. kind of rushed or dumbed down. so much tension has been meticulously built, and they’ve had sex under far less resolved conditions. here it’s almost like there’s a checklist of Things Damen and Laurent Have to Agree On/Share About Themselves Emotionally Before They Can Satisfyingly Fuck For The First Time As Themselves. but like, these bitches are messy. always have been, always will be. and they’ve always BEEN themselves. to just try to quickly resolve and drop the mess feels inconsistent, and makes the execution of the sex less unique and ironically more shallow, maybe

When he made himself look at Laurent, Laurent’s eyes on him were very dark, his voice quiet. ‘How can you trust me, after what your own brother did to you?’ ‘Because he was false,’ said Damen, ‘and you are true. I have never known a truer man.’ He said, into the stillness, ‘I think if I gave you my heart, you would treat it tenderly.’

contrast to what he’s learned about his family—kastor and his father, because the negative things he said about his father as if laurent believes them are also things damen has come to believe.

it’s a sweet line. and kind of insane, given everything laurent has done. but i think it works, because we know damen has been like this about laurent from the start. and we also know its difficult for laurent to believe or accept that anyone would want to trust him with their heart. i wish we could have had this interaction be spoken, but with FAR less of the previous conversation here. start the scene with laurent entering, have them comfort each other physically but unable to speak. or speak around the subject, instead of hitting the nail on the head. then give them this extremely direct moment, and it would be a lot more effective.

listen i’m not saying i’m better or smarter or anything, it is ultimately a matter of taste and i’ve been taking a break from the books. but i have done a VERY CLOSE READING of this series so far, so i feel at least somewhat capable of analyzing it in this way. if that makes sense.

Laurent turned his head, denying Damen his face.

this doesn’t feel like a pacat line. the construction of it does, but i feel like she’d say something far less direct and far more poetic than “denying his face”

Damen could see his breathing. After a moment he said in a low voice, ‘When you make love to me like that, I can’t think.’ ‘Don’t think,’ said Damen. Damen saw the flickering change, the tension, as the words provoked an internal battle. Damen said, ‘Don’t think.’ ‘Don’t,’ said Laurent, ‘toy with me. I—have not the means to—defend against this.’ ‘I don’t toy with you.’ ‘I—’ ‘Don’t think,’ said Damen. ‘Kiss me,’ said Laurent. And then flushed, a rich colour. Don’t think, Damen had said, but Laurent couldn’t do that. Even to sit there after what he had said, he was fighting a battle in his head. The words hung awkwardly, a blurt, but Laurent didn’t take them back, he just waited, his body singing with tension. Instead of leaning in, Damen took Laurent’s hand, brought it towards himself, and kissed his palm, once.

yeah.

He had learned in the course of their one night together to tell when Laurent was taken unawares—taken aback. It wasn’t easy to anticipate, the gaps in Laurent’s experience not mapping to anything that he understood. He felt it now, Laurent’s eyes very dark, uncertain of what he should do. ‘I meant—’ ‘Don’t let you think?’ Laurent didn’t answer.

this is. such an interesting way to bring in previous themes of consent and submission. bc this is by all means consensual, but laurent is almost asking damen to just take what he wants, because his anxiety is so bad that he doesn’t really WANT to be asked what he wants or made to initiate. it's submission willingly given because laurent trusts damen, both in terms of seeing and understanding his weakness here and in taking care of his pleasure. laurent asking outright to not have to be strong in this situation, and trusting damen to treat him well while his guard is down. trusting him with his heart, just as damen has sworn to trust laurent with his.

Laurent’s wariness was not, at this moment, the high walls of the defended citadel. It was that of a man with a portion of his guard down, who was desperately unused to it.

After a moment: ‘At Ravenel, I—it had been a long time since I had—with anyone. I was nervous.’ ‘I know,’ said Damen. ‘There has,’ said Laurent. He stopped. ‘There has only been one other person.’ Softly, ‘I’m a little more experienced than that.’ ‘Yes, that is immediately apparent.’ ‘Is it?’ A little pleased. ‘Yes.’

THIS is lamen dialogue. so much unsaid, and it’s perfect, because we know what it’s all implying.

‘Laurent, I’d never hurt you.’ He heard Laurent’s strange, disbelieving breath, and he realised what he had said. ‘I know,’ said Damen, ‘that I did hurt you.’ Laurent’s motionlessness was careful, even his breathing was careful. He didn’t turn back to look at Damen. ‘I hurt you, Laurent.’ ‘That’s enough, stop,’ said Laurent. ‘It wasn’t right. You were just a boy. You didn’t deserve what happened to you.’ ‘I said that’s enough.’ ‘Is it so hard to hear?’

big moment for damen, realizing he did something to hurt laurent and admitting it. this has been building for a while with his guilt about his father and slavery and everything else akielos stands for. damen has always lied to himself, a lot. he almost treats this scene like a confession.

on the laurent side of things: this is damen admitting he was wrong, but still wanting to be better. i think that confuses laurent, to think that anyone would ever want to treat him well when they’re strong enough to hurt him. also, this is just generally intense for laurent, but he's still here despite his discomfort because he cares about damen.

this entire scene really is just an insane amount of honesty and vulnerability from them both. it's quick to overwhelm laurent, while damen seems to be getting kind of addicted to it and wanting more. which he gets, in more ways than one.

He thought of Auguste, thought how no boy deserved to lose his brother.

interesting line for a guy who ends up almost being murdered by his stepbrother and gets saved by his divorce husband, whose brother he killed, killing his stepbrother

He didn’t understand the forces that moved in Laurent, but some instinct pushed him to say it. ‘My first time, there was a lot of rolling around. I was eager and had no idea what to do. It’s not like Vere, we don’t watch people doing it in public.’ He said, ‘I still get too caught up near the end. I know I forget myself.’

awww :) he’s trying to make him feel less awkward. this is such a setting-transcendent moment. anyone would say something like this, whether in this weird horny semi historical fictional society or any other romance setting. "you're new to this, but so was i. and i still have my flaws."

A silence. It went on too long. He didn’t disturb it, watching the tense line of Laurent’s body.

love the patience here

‘When you kissed me,’ said Laurent, pushing the words out, ‘I liked it. When you took me in your mouth, it was the first time that I had . . . done that.’ He said, ‘I liked it when you—’

he’s so brave for saying this. i’m not being sarcastic. go laurent

Laurent’s reaction to kissing had always been complex: tense; vulnerable; hot. The tension was the greatest part of it, as though this single act was too much for him, too extreme. And yet, he had asked for it. Kiss me.

as always, the way laurent is not a normal romantic interest but still deeply loved and respected narratively makes me feel so happy. gives me hope etc

Don’t think, he’d said, because it was easier than saying, Take me for who I am. He couldn’t bear that suddenly. He wanted it without pretences, without excuses, his fingers curling hard into Laurent’s hair.

love this evolution. damen desperately wants laurent to be here and thinking, and knowing him, and still letting himself want this. again, with the almost addiction to honesty between them. he's getting swept up in it.

‘It’s me,’ said Damen. ‘It’s me, here with you. Say my name.’ ‘Damianos.’ He felt the sundering in Laurent at that, the name an admission, a statement of truth that came out of him, Laurent open to him with nothing to hide behind. He could hear it in Laurent’s voice. Prince-killer.

He wanted it, felt a surge of purely selfish desire as he thought of it, that Laurent knew it was him. That Laurent wanted this with him.

we know. this could have been left out.

It was subsumed, as it had to be, into the act of kissing. His body felt heavy, one form of penetration substituted for another, the tremors in Laurent not that of a single barrier crumbling, but shudders as though one after another were being brought down, each place unexplored, each place deeper than the last. Prince-killer.

so is this kind of meant to conjure the image of damen taking auguste down, right? breaking down defenses, penetration, etc. prince killer as in murderer, but he’s also killing laurent as in like. “lady-killer ;)”

He felt acutely aware that he was half on his back, naked, with Laurent fully clothed, astride, still wearing his polished boots and the high-necked, tightly laced collar of his jacket. It was a sudden, vulnerable fantasy that Laurent might simply get up and wander off, strolling the rooms, or sit in the chair opposite to sip wine with his legs crossed, while Damen was left exposed on the bed.

yeah damen, you WOULD be into that

Laurent didn’t do that. Laurent lifted his hands to his own neck. His eyes on Damen’s, slowly, he took up one of the tight-laced ties at his throat, and drew on it.

the EYE CONTACT!!!

In the dim light, Auguste was between them, sharp as a knife. The scar on his shoulder was the last thing Auguste had done before Damen had killed him. The kiss was like a wound, as if to do it Laurent was impaling himself on that knife. There was an edge of desperation to it, Laurent kissing like he needed it, his fingers clutching, his body unsteady.

it really feels like this should be cut at “wound.” maybe continue with a much more brief “laurent impaled himself.” we can MAKE the connection that it’s like he’s stabbing himself on this figurative thing, but doing it anyway because he wants it. it doesn’t need to be written out, it’s already on the page between the lines! it is SO bizarre to me that pacat's style has changed in this way in seemingly just this one chapter. maybe it's because i stepped away for a while, but honestly i can't see how i couldn't NOT have a sort of sixth sense for recognizing these weird moments given the amount of detail i've put into my analysis and reading. again, your thoughts are definitely appreciated.

He kissed back knowing it hurt him, hurt them both. There was a desperation in both of them, an aching need that could not be filled, and he could feel it in Laurent, the same unconscious striving.

another example of “we don’t need the second the sentence because the first already says it!!” i seriously suspect that this scene was written way more raw at first but an editor was like “you have to make it a lot more clear they both want it/they’re chill with each other over and over again so it’s not too vague”

another alternate explanation could be the chapter's overarching theme of abundant honestly, like almost an overwhelming amount of it, but i still don't think that explains the change in like, craft. there's a difference between characters changing their behavior through development or to make a thematic point, and the narrative itself shifting in how it tells the story. and while damen is kind of going from the extreme of lying to himself about everything to craving this truth, it's still strange to read, and feels like a very intense departure from their previous scenes together.

In a burst of explicit fantasy, he wished Laurent were a pet, or a slave, wished him a body that was not going to require extensive, coaxing preparation before it could be penetrated.

“you like it simple” flashbacks

i think both laurent and damen have moments of wanting this, but ultimately care far more for the more complicated and real parts of their relationship and selves. that was a lot of my chapter 7 analysis re-write. part of what i love about this pairing is that it's really not that much about the sex for them, which is highly ironic given gestures vaguely to the story and world. true intimacy between them has been in their conversations, their little sidequests together and the way they've connected intellectually and emotionally despite literally every odd being against that happening. it's in the way they are equals, and choose to devote themselves mutually, whether it's through despising or adoring each other. anyone can fuck; and especially in this series, almost everyone does. whatever damen and laurent do is wayyy more insane and complicated and interesting and real than that.

He wanted to be inside. He wanted to feel Laurent’s surrender shudder and give way, become total. He wanted no denying that Laurent had let him in, who he had let in. It’s me. His body primed, as though only in one act could this be driven home.

(heads up, i talk pretty explicitly about sexual assault and rape in the following paragraphs)

see, i don’t get how THAT is the ultimate sign of laurent "letting damen in." because anyone could fuck anyone if they’re powerful enough, right? that’s the whole tragedy of laurent, he sees himself as weak because this has been done to him before without his consent. i guess the surrender is in admitting he wants it, which does make sense with how everything has been set up. laurent has been assaulted and harassed and objectified by countless people, but damen is the only one he’s even given enthusiastic consent, so yeah i guess it is the ultimate sign of uhhhh accomplishment, for damen? for lack of a better word. but that still just feels OFF to me. the emotions and the logic of it.

i understand that there is a raw sort of honesty to sex; a body's natural response, fairly disconnected from morality or reason. damen has experienced that for laurent from the very start, and it's gotten him into trouble before. but despite that, he isn't a character who experiences shame about having those feelings, like, ever. the man had sex slaves, after all. he is horny despite the horrors, that's his thing.

i guess where i struggle is in, myself, thinking that the kind of primal sexual honesty here is real or meaningful in the same way the aforementioned emotional and intellectual intimacy are. like, there's something here that just bothers me. maybe it's the way damen is so swept up in the "honesty" of laurent letting himself be fucked, as a totally good and amazing and real thing. i get how damen might feel that way, but it's like, did the regent not also feel those same kinds of feelings, and act on them? if laurent had any kind of bodily response to his own assault, was that bodily honesty his emotional or intellectual truth? is it any different from the bodily honesty damen is appreciating here? this line of thinking is a common way that people convince others that they wanted or deserved their assault. i know damen is like deeply unqualified to understand that, and i know that laurent does want it and damen cares for him deeply, but i guess i almost feel protective of laurent in this moment, with the way damen is thinking during this scene.

all of the terrible people in this series who do so many things without consent, to degrade and disempower others or simply because they think they're entitled to it, are acting on the same primal urges as damen in this scene. what makes damen different from them, the entire reason laurent trusts damen enough to LET him do this, is the fact that damen respects laurent beyond those primal urges, and sees him as a person and not an object. raw sexual desire, by contrast, is just... simple.

i get a little lost here as a reader because, like laurent, i need to intellectualize everything always. i do not like it simple, often to my own detriment, admittedly. it’s hard for me to amend the idea of this like unmitigated desire for sexual honesty/vulnerability with damen genuinely respecting laurent, even though i know he does and that’s literally the entire point, that the two things can coexist and this is romantic and powerful because somehow they do. i can suspend my disbelief while reading this in fiction, but it’s harder to rationalize or understand based on my own experiences, and my knowledge of the real world. trusting another person with vulnerability is horrifying and the series knows it, but is trying to offer a strong rebuttal in the way damen and laurent love each other.

maybe it's just that in this scene, i'm not totally sold. or something.

‘Do it, I told you, I don’t care—’

there is a little part of me that’s like “uh is this what a person who really wants to be doing this would say??” but also i know damn well that i'm projecting so go off king i guess????

maybe i would have been more satisfied by this scene if damen did not fuck laurent here and now. i don't know. this analysis is poor, unobjective, confused and hypocritical. but i'm not struggling with it in a fun or enriching way, like with chapter 7, it just makes me feel kinda bad. so i'm pushing through.

He was inside Laurent. It felt raw and unprotected. He had never felt more like himself: Laurent had let him inside, knowing who he was.

yes. WE KNOW.

Damen’s grip, still oiled, was wrapped around the hottest, most honest part of Laurent.

“most honest part” yeah that pretty much sums up what makes me weird about this scene. the way damen DELIGHTS in the primal honesty of it all, beneath laurent’s carefully constructed defenses. i guess just, its been so nice reading damen being so respectful of laurent’s hesitations and boundaries, and therefore falling for his personality and intellect and genuinely growing to understand and respect him without the promise of submission or sex, so the framing of this being damen finally getting what he REALLY wanted from laurent the whole time is… kind of rough to read. like oh, this is REALLY intimacy. this is the height of it. but it's not. like, at all.

damen is not me, and i get that. but in previous times where damen has done shit i've felt weird about, i've never felt like the narrative has been poking at me to approve of it or feel positive catharsis. but this entire scene is so heavily written to be this great moment of celebration and positive catharsis, for protagonist and reader alike. but what are we even celebrating here? we're celebrating the honesty between damen and laurent about their identities, and the fact that they support each other anyway. given how much baggage they both have about sex, i almost feel like it would be a more effective scene if they DIDN'T fuck. like, laurent just hugging damen was beautiful. that kind of simple comfort, not inherently sexual, was unusual to damen. and therefore impactful. but noooo, the sex is supposed to be the pinnacle, and we made the way for it with some weirdly written overly explanatory dialogue shoved at the start of the scene. to be fair, damen does literally say, 'I still get too caught up near the end. I know I forget myself.’ which is kind of what I've just described happening.

i just don't think i am where the book wants me to be, with how i react to that. it's an odd feeling. i feel like everyone is going to read this and be like "wow she has issues, she's insane, you're supposed to like that he forgets himself and is consumed by his desires." but oh well. i usually don't enjoy the romance genre for a reason.

this series really does challenge my own ability to let simple desire coexist with the proven need to be highly intentional and thoughtful in caring about/interacting with others. it’s hard for me to believe those two things can be in harmony—that you can be honest and vulnerable, and not either be hurting someone, getting hurt by someone, enabling someone else’s self-harm, or hurting yourself.

i suppose some of the catharsis of this scene is that laurent and damen are doing this together, KNOWING they have hurt each other. that they will always have that between them, yet also knowing and trusting that they can and will treat each other well.

it’s just hard for me to see that as anything other than fantasy. it's not honest, it's not real, in the way i've come to understand those concepts both in my personal ethos and the ethos of the series. so this entire scene built around honesty as a theme just kind of falls flat. it’s tragic, really, that damen is so happy about this apparent truth between them when he is unaware of the very blatant and relevant reality of laurent’s history with sexual assault. it’s a powerful scene, but not for the reasons damen thinks it’s powerful. maybe pacat meant for that to be the case, maybe she didn’t, maybe editing made it weird. who knows.

but it is, as i’ve said in previous chapter analysis posts, a nice fantasy. i'm glad if it hits for other readers, and i respect that cs pacat put it here for a reason. maybe someday i'll re-read it and react differently.

[twilightmalachite]

Esu Sagiri - Idol Story 2

Author: Akira

Characters: Esu, Subaru

Translator: Mika Enstars

"Hehehe… But you know, even though I was crying like an idiot just by watching… You were smiling up until the very end and did your job perfectly as an idol, Senpai."

[Read on my blog for the best viewing experience with Oi~ssu ♪]

Season: Spring

Location: Cemetery

Second year of ES’ establishment. At a secret cemetery somewhere in Tokyo…

Subaru: (Dad.)

(I’m sorry I visited you so late this year as well.)

(I’m getting busier and busier year after year, you know? Although in Trickstar’s case, it’s more like there’s no leisure for the poor...)

(You wouldn't angry at that, would you though, Dad? ‘Cause you were much busier than I was, day in and day out.)

(Nothing could be done about that, though. You were a super idol who carried the industry on his shoulders, after all.)

(You never gave up, though. You never complained, and on holidays you would even be sure to come back home with a smile on your face just to make your family happy.)

(You sure are amazing, Dad. I’ve always admired you. And I’m now in the same position as you—I’ve become an idol.)

(As time passes, I’ve slowly realized more and more just how amazing a person you were.)

(It made me happy. It made me happy to be able to understand you, Dad.)

(Hey, Dad, I wonder if I’ve become an idol worthy of your praise.)

(If possible, I’d like to have you say “Wow, you’re amazing, Subaru!” if you were alive.)

(And I wish you could ruffle up my hair like I was a dog, just like you used to too, but…)

Esu: NwaaAAAAAAH!?

(thunk)

Subaru: …?

Hmm? Umm, are… you okay…?

Esu: Ah, It's okay, do not mind me! My arms are just outta shape, as it’s been a while since I’ve climbed! I bit off more than I could chew!

I took a dangerous route to get away from this creepy guy, and accidentally slipped from somewhere high—

Esu: —Wait, you’re Akehoshi SubaruuUUU!

Subaru: Yup. Huh, are you a fan of mine?

(This isn’t good. I didn’t really want my fans to know where my dad’s grave was.)

(Although his reputation’s been restored to an extent, there’s still a lot of anti-fans who believe those rumors and consider him the worst idol ever…)

(I don’t want that. What if his grave gets vandalized or something?)

Esu: Oh, no no! It’d be presumptuous for someone like myself to call myself a fan!

Presem… Presim, prisum… Huh, is “presumptuous” correct?!

Subaru: Yep, that’s it.

Esu: Was I right? Got it! Good, good, hip-hooray! I mean, that was very kind of you! This debt of gratitude will not be forgotten even if I am reborn seventeen times over!

Subaru: Seventeen times over, huh? What’s with that oddly specific number?

You’re a strange kid.

Esu: Huh, you think so? I find myself to be normal, though! Maybe I’ve become a little out of touch with the world after having been cooped up for a while?

If I do anything that feels off, do feel free to point anything out! I’ll correct it!

Subaru: Alright. Well to start, it’s looked down upon to cause a ruckus at gravesites.

Esu: You’re right~! My bad! I’ll quiet down! I’m a man who has often been told “You’re so cute when you keep your mouth shut, Esu-kun!” by his inconsiderate classmates!

Subaru: So your name’s Esu, huh?

Esu: Yes! I am Sagiri Esu! My name’s pretty tough to read, or excessively sparkly rather, so it’s okay if you don’t remember all of it![1]

You’re free to just call me something like “Ecchan” or “Sacchan”!

Subaru: Ecchan reminds me of Eichi-senpai. Sagiri—I feel like I might’ve heard “Sagiri” somewhere before…

Esu: Oh, so you recognize it? My father used to be real popular! He was even called a super idol at a point!

Subaru: Ah, that’s right! There was a super idol who showed up sometime between the times of Hokke~Papa—Hidaka Seiya-san and my dad, right?

His name was Sagiri. My dad said that he looked up to him, so I remember.

Esu: Ahaha~, although it was all downhill for him once the next super idol, Akehoshi-senpai’s father, made his appearance.

Subaru: Well, my dad did become the talk of the town for many things, both good and bad… Those from around that time aren’t talked about as much anymore, with Hokke~Papa being an exception.

It’s like it’s all been balled together as a dark past to be forgotten, thanks to all that’s happened.

So I dunno how things are now, but, umm you—Sacchan, what’s your father doing now?

He’s not active anymore… right? I feel I’d know about him if he were active.

Esu: Oh, my father died.

Subaru: …Is that so? Sorry, I didn’t know…

Esu: Nah, if you didn’t know, you didn’t know! He passed away three years ago, and by the time he’d already turned over a new leaf as just an ordinary man.

Just an ordinary man, just with a bit of a nice-looking face.

Could at least look ugly… Wouldn't have to be followed around by that pervert then…

Subaru: Pervert? Had your father been targeted by some weird stalker or something, like mine was…?

Esu: No, no, this pervert has nothing to do with my father’s death. Sorry if I’m being difficult to follow! My communication skills aren’t all too great, after all! Just terrible!

My father died in a plane accident. Just a common—well, it’s not common, but an ordinary accident with nothing to do with idols or anything like that.

I was involved in the accident too, and although I managed to survive, I’ve been in the hospital up until recently. So, I've been in the process of rehabilitation for about six months, as of now.

Subaru: Is that so… I probably wouldn’t have even known three years ago. In the period before I entered high school, I would shut myself away from any and all information.

All of the information that would drift my way… I wouldn’t wanna hear any of it.

Esu: I totally get you~. It feels like anything and everything is an attack on you when your heart is weak, doesn’t it?

Even though nobody in the world probably spares a single thought about you.

Ah, but you’re an idol, Akehoshi-senpai, so tons and tons of people pay attention to you, of course! I was really moved by the SS from two years back![2]

It was like—and sorry if this sounds disrespectful—but your father also passed away… I felt like I could relate with you in some ways.

Like, “Ahh, this person, he’s me.”

Subaru: … …

Esu: At the time, I understood the expression on your face, your voice, everything, as if they were my own—I empathized! I was no longer able to distinguish between you and I!

I was in the hospital, lying in bed watching your performance, and I cried so hard that even the nurses became seriously worried about me.

Esu: Hehehe… But you know, even though I was crying like an idiot just by watching…

You were smiling up until the very end and did your job perfectly as an idol, Senpai. So, I thought you were real amazing—

Esu: Ahh, I can’t find the right words! Hang in there, my vocabulary!

Subaru: It’s okay. I understand you.

Thank you. For watching my performance.

You cried in place of me, didn’t you? Maybe that’s why I didn’t have to show a shameful sight like that upon such an important stage.

So… I know it sounds weird, but thank you. Really.

Esu: Oh no no, I seriously didn’t do anything! I don’t know what to do being shown gratitude like this?!

Oh, shoot!? I hear Fuyume’s voice! He hates exercise and isn’t all that good at it either, but caught up to me through sheer determination…!

I-I’m so sorry, but I gotta go now! It’s over for me if I’m caught!

Subaru: It kinda feels like you’re in danger… Do you need me to hide you?

Esu: Ah, that’s very kind of you, but I’m alright! This is a problem I gotta resolve on my own…!

But if you’d like, do offer some incense at the grave over there, the one decorated with cutesy goods.

That one’s my father’s grave.

Subaru: Right. This cemetery is for those in the industry that need to be kept secret from the general public. Both your father and my dad rest here.

It was through some sort of fate I was able to meet you, and hear your words that made me happy, so… Yeah, I’ll be sure to offer some incense.

Esu: Thanks! I’m sure our fathers are happy too! It doesn’t seem like they were on good terms when they were alive, but everyone becomes a Buddha when they die, right?[3]

I’m sure all those concerns and karma have been thoroughly purified!

—Eek, his voice is getting closer! Maaan, I wanted to have a nice and quiet visit to his grave after all this time!

But, well, I also caused a ruckus for no reason, and disturbed Akehoshi-senpai’s visit to his grave! That makes it sort of a mutual karmic retribution, right!—kinda?

Subaru: It’s fine. My dad always liked it when things were lively.

I’m sure he’s standing beside your father, watching over with a smile on their faces—over us.

[ ☆ ]

story directory

A sparkly name (キラキラネーム) is a term that refers to a recent phenomenon of giving names that are over-extravagant and notably very difficult to read. Esu's name is written with the kanji 笑主, which is both very unrecognizable as a name (it uses the kanji for laugh/smile + the kanji for lord/master), the reading is also very unnatural. The phenomenon is similar to the one where people will name their babies stuff like "Mhackenzeigh" or "Lakynn". Since knowing that 笑主 is read as "Esu" doesn't come instinctively, it would be difficult to remember; hence Esu saying there's no need to remember it all.

Referring to the SS where Trickstar won, back in ! era. If you aren’t aware of what happens to Subaru and Trickstar during the event, I highly recommend reading SS - Friendship 14 until the end of the event story, else this entire scene won’t make as much sense.

Esu uses a lot of Buddhist terminology here. If you’re familiar with the idea of reaching enlightenment, once you reach enlightenment, you let go of all worldly possessions, realizations, attainments, and achievements. This is what is referred to when one becomes a Buddha.

[rvb-canon-grimmons]

RVB RESTORATION THOUGHTS!!!!

LONG POST IM SO SORRY I HAD A LOT OF FEELINGS

(Im so sorry this got so long, but i got emotional while writing it so please bear with me, read this like its the morning paper while u eat breakfast or something i have alot to say)

Before I go into the things I didn't like I do want to focus on some positives.

-Like I said in an earlier post, Geoff's acting…he absolutely killed it, and maybe this is because I'm a little bit Geoff/Grif biased but he was giving so much emotion and everyone else felt a little bit flat. Also only he could have delivered the "Come with me" line with so much Homoeroticism -I Had a pretty fun time watching the fight in the second half, The references to Monty we're sweet and getting to see Tex and Carolina fight together was pretty epic! -A good handful of jokes got me good. "23rd in my class" Shelia translating Caboose's Spanish to Lopez

Ok……. the next bit of this will get a little bit negative, but I do want to say this is coming from a place of deep love and care for this series. I have run this blog for like 6/7 years now and I've been a fan of this show for double that. My biggest fear is that fans get the same treatment we did when no one liked RVBZero. I have criticisms. This is a 21 year old series that so many people have had a part in and so many have loved. I was not looking for perfection, I wasn't even looking for something good. I was looking for an ending to the stories of characters people have held in their hearts for 21 years. Unfortunately, what I feel we were left with was a hastily thrown together hour of basically nothing.

-Why weren't they friends…..Why weren't they friends…No one cared for the others. I understand that we have semi warped perceptions of the characters from fanon works and things of that nature. But even in canon, the reds and blue care about each other. On their own team and the other team. Simmons, Grif, Tucker, and Caboose spent MONTHS together in chorus and same for Donut/Sarge/Wash. I've recently rewatched blood gulch and Caboose and Sarge have a great dynamic! Tucker and Grif canonically get along pretty well. Simmons was ON BLUE TEAM for like a hot minute there. THEY KNOW EACH OTHER AND CARE ABOUT EACH OTHER. This was zero percent present in this film. No one had any motivation to look for Tucker. No one cared that it was Tuckers body inside the suit. THE REDS LEFT CABOOSE FOR DEAD!!!!!! THEY JUST LEFT HIM!!!!

-Tucker, I'm so sorry baby girl, this was supposed to be your arc, your moment. You were hardly in it. No build up to how he became the Meta. The scene where he breaks out of it to not kill caboose was the best part of the arc. And he just wakes up and remembers it "like someone elses Nightmare??" ok sure

-Wash………………WHAT THE FUCK???? WHAT THE FUCK???????????????? WHAT THE FUCK??????? WHAT THE FUCK???? TO RUIN THIS MANS ENTIRE CHARACTER ARC BY MAKING HIM COMPLETELY OBSOLETE. PUTTING HIM IN SOME RANDOM HOSPITAL FOR AN UNKNOWN INJURY THAT HAPPENS OFF SCREEN AND ISN'T EXPLAINED. HAVE HIM HALUCINATING DOC FOR SOME FUCKING REASON. HAVE HIM SHOW UP TO THE FINAL BATTLE AND DO ABSOLUTLEY NOTHING BUT JUMP OFF A FUCKING CLIFF AND NOT SAY A WORD TO ANY OF THE RED AND BLUES I AM LIERALLY ABOUT TO FUCKING CRY TYPING THIS I AM LITERALLY SO FUCKING PISSED OFF. AGENT WASHINGTON, THE CHARACTER THAT WAS SO HAPPY IN THE SEASON RIGHT BEFORE CHORUS JUST TO BE ON BLUE TEAM AND HAVE A FUCKING FAMILY AGAIN. JUST SIDELINE HIM FOR NO FUCKING REASON AND THEN NOT LET HIM SPEAK TO ANY OF HIS FRIENDS EXCEPT CAROLINA AND DEAD DOC. AND DONT EVEN GET ME STARTED ON THE FACT THAT TUCKER BEING THE META WAS LITERALLY A PLOT POINT CATERED TO HAVE WASH BE INVOLVED. THIS IS LIKE AGENT WASHINGTON ANGST BAIT 101. YES IM A TUCKINGTON SHIPPER BUT PUT ALL SHIPPING ASIDE, THEY WERE STILL FRIENDS, THEY WERE FRIENDS THEY WERE FRIENDS.

Grimmons. I am disappointed. But really not surprised. Honestly for everything I disliked I thought Grimmons was handled ok… at this point im like….. they couldn't even throw us a bone. company was dying, final season airing, and they couldn't even throw us a solid Grimmons queerbait joke. Its whatever….I don't wanna get too upset about shipping because at the end of the day, ships becoming canon isn't what shipping is all about (says Tumblr user "RVB-Canon-Grimmons) you get what im saying.

-Donut…..where was he…..Fucking Homophobic honestly

-DOC IS DEAD?????????????????????????????? FUCKING WHY???

-Sarge's death was fine, I'm not upset by it I just didn't feel like it was emotionally satisfying. Especially after the shock of them leaving Caboose and the much better scene of tucker fighting the meta's control over him to not hurt caboose.

-PEOPLE CALLED U SIR ALL THROUGHOUT CHORUS SIMMONS WHAT THE FUCK??????????? WHY IS SIMMONS PROMOTED AND INCHARGE OF NO ONE???? WHY DID GRIF LEAVE HIM???

Im sorry………..this is so long………just remeber this is only my opinions and if u don't agree thats totally ok!!!!! I am just a critical bitch….

[broodwoof]

An argument for the veil remaining intact

From someone who really wanted veilfall.

Please: If you know this will upset you, do not read. Do not harass or attack me about this. Take care of yourselves and be kind to other people - like me! - by not subjecting yourself to things that will anger/upset you. This will also draw from current, real life things; I don't go into detail, but if you don't want to read that, this is your Please Scroll Past warning.

In an twist from my norm, this is going to contain both watsonian and doylist perspectives.

For those who may be unfamiliar or get them confused: in reference to the Sherlock Holmes books, a watsonian view is that any mistakes made in the text are because Watson made an error while recording Holmes' endeavors. Thus, a watsonian view is one that exists within the narrative framework rather than outside it. A doylist view is that these are Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's mistakes instead, thus looking at the narrative from an outside view.

From a purely watsonian perspective, I think veilfall would have been narratively satisfying and I certainly understand why so many people wanted it and are disappointed that it did not happen. That's super fair! As I said, I wanted it, too. But I also think that the in-text explanation for why it's not a good idea is a genuinely valid one and did a fair bit of work in convincing me.

But in this case, I find the doylist view to be a lot more relevant.

The world - our world, the real world - is in a time of major strife. With the rise of fascism, with the increasingly explicit hatred of queer people, with the sustained hatred of POC and disabled people (including neurodivergent people), with misogyny and classism and everything that's going on...

A queer dev team made a game where the underlying statement is that you cannot save through destruction. And this is relevant. It is incredibly relevant. It is powerful, profound, and important as a message. There is no single violent revolution that will fix the world and give us a utopia.

There are so many people who are waiting for the revolution. Who want a violent disruption. Who fantasize about living in the ruins of society. I'm not saying this is horrible or anything, it makes sense why these fantasies exist, but they obscure the necessity for the grueling work that is truly necessary.

I'm not saying there is no place for revolution. There absolutely is! I'm also not condemning the use of violence wholesale - there are times when people have no other recourse, I understand that. But I'm an American and I'm mostly talking about my fellow Americans at this moment in history because that's the context I know best and it would be the height of hubris to presume to know enough of every single culture and the entire world to speak for everyone.

There's this fantasy about waiting for the revolution and then we'll rise, then we'll fix the broken system, then everything will happen... and the actual impact of this fantasy is that people can abandon the movement in anticipation of the revolution.

In the end, Solas does not tear down the veil, killing thousands in an act of profound restoration. Instead he binds himself to his mistake and turns to his first victims, those who are still alive, and commits himself to easing their pain and the pain they bring into the world.

This narrative is so timely and so relevant. It has a message. It has many messages.

The need for compassion even in the face of disagreement (again, please note I am saying compassion not tolerance not rolling over and letting your oppressors walk all over you - but it's a known thing that compassion for others - even those you dislike or disagree with - is a functional tool in the arsenal of sociocultural improvement).

That there is no point at which a person cannot change their mind and take a new path. Regardless of how committed they are to a singular outcome, they can always change, and that such change is usually created through the use of compassion and sympathy. Solas can bind himself to the veil. So many people he cares about have spoken to him about this, counseled him about this. And in the end, he can accept their advice and change.

Solas is not an evil villain, and veilfall is not meant to be cruel. But it's an important message that destruction is not restoration, even when that destruction will bring about a certain kind of restoration. That there are paths forward, meaningful paths forward, that do not rely on violence as a tool. That do not utilize destruction.

All media is a reflection of the time it is created in, and DAVG is no exception. And in this time, I find the veil staying intact to be important, especially when coupled with Solas' plans to ease the Titan's pain. I think it'd fall a lot flatter without that, if he just said "okay, you're right" and bound himself to the veil and then just did his own thing. That'd be giving up. But he's not giving up at all - no one had to suggest that he heal the Titans, he immediately turned to that on his own.

Bloody, ravaged, dealing with this immense cathartic grief, and he still decides he's going to do this. He will make a different path for himself. He will find another way - a harder way - to make things right.

This isn't a criticism of those who are disappointed by the lack of veilfall. Everyone is going to interact with media in different ways, particularly when expectations have been building up for so long. I thought that the veil remaining intact would be immensely disappointing to me, perhaps even ruin the game, and I was surprised when it didn't feel that way. And I've been giving it a lot of thought ever since, and this is where I landed.

[mollisquama]

June of Jade - Day 16

Prompt: Magical Girl

"Baoyu Baoyu Beam~! ⭐✨💥⭐"

I realized while making this post that I draw Hong Lu way too bbg and not like the 30 year old that he is. Pfft.

I have a LOT of rambles though. So uhhhh

Yeah. Have fun reading.

The first image is Magical Cure Love Shot, not for any real reason. I just think it's a goofy song and I saw it live at Miku Expo 2024 and absolutely fell in love.

The second one was drawn on a Magma and is actually based off of a Madoka Magica interaction I got on my Hong Lu rp blog.

I don't think Hong Lu is a character that would willingly enter a Kyubey contract. Though, if under some circumstance (like on the blog) where he is told by someone he perceives to have power over him to take the contract then I think Hong Lu would follow through. Yet, just normal Hong Lu? He's not a man with concrete wishes. He doesn't have many desires that can become a reality.

So what wish did Hong Lu make? It's actually not stated in the post. Hong Lu told Kyubey to read his soul because Hong Lu honestly wasn't quite sure what he wanted. But the exact wording goes as such: "I want to be able to see a world where I am genuinely happy. Where I grew up in a place that I could just be a kid... A world where I am not plagued by this emptiness in my heart... Does a world like that even exist?" In order to fulfill that wish, Kyubey offered Hong Lu a magical jade that he can use to see into a world where he never received the jade eye. All of his friends are healthy and he's just able to be childish without worry.

In the post, the majority of the magical girl outfit is explained. A blue and white short hanfu with pink flower accents. The soul gem is a flower petal, which I interpreted as a peach flower petal. The soul gem placement is on his cheek right under his jade eye, looking almost like a teardrop.

Actually, have a first design doodle I made

It's been altered a bit, but the general vibe is still there.

His weapon is also a monk spade. Cuz making his weapon the guandao is too easy and I craved doing research. The people on the blog admin discord probably remember my crazed rambles of trying to decide between a dagger axe or one of its variants like the Ji vs the Monk Spade. Uhhh. Yeah.

The third image was also drawn on a Magma. (I ran a Hong Lu Magma while canto 8 was releasing for the RP blog admin discord. In drawing order, this one was done before the Madoka Magica doodle) I asked for a prompt and someone said 'Magical Girl'. For some reason the first magical girl that came to mind was Princess Tutu, which was also my first ever anime as a child. So I drew Hong Lu as Princess Tutu.

Which now that I'm thinking about it, Hong Lu is definitely not Princess Tutu material. If anything he is the Prince Mytho that lost his heart and all emotions with it. But there's something incredibly amusing about Hong Lu restoring someone's heart only for him to be the most emotionally repressed person around and not quite understand what exactly he's restoring.

Hong Lu just strolls up on Meursault like "this is the shard of your heart called sorrow. And... It makes people suffer." And proceeds to forcefully inject a new painful emotion into the Meursault with a smile on his face. (ACTUAL LINE FROM THE ANIME BTW)

Anyways, I think if Hong Lu was any sort of dancer he would slay on the battlefield of dance. I think Hong Lu would try new things just to experience them. And he probably has an air of confidence around him as he does it-- even if he's really bad at it.

...

Princess Tutu is a wild anime pfft

[review-anon]

Despair Time Chapter 2 Review Part 1: The Good

Hey guys Review Anon here and what’s this? I’m reviewing something other than ASOOT arcs? Yes, yes, I am. Shocker I know but I am not treading too far as I’m still covering Danganronpa as I’m reviewing Chapter 2 of Despair Time now it’s finished. I have my thoughts on it and now I’ve taken some time to take it all in I can talk about what went well, what didn’t go well and what lessons we can take away from the whole thing. I was gonna wait until Bubbles does their review/rant but natural disasters are bitches and power hasn’t been restored yet. So, I’m doing this now to get out of the way.

And for any people coming here from non ASOOT related tags then I will apologise in advance because you are gonna be in for a LOOONNNGGGG read. If you are the type to go tl;dr then turn away now.

I presume the rest of you want to read it? Well, let’s get right to it. I’ve split this into three parts because I don’t want to do Google Docs for this, and it would be an easier read for those who came from the non ASOOT space as you guys aren’t used to my lengthy reviews. Consider this your crash course on how I review, in extreme detail and excessive word count. This right here is about 8.5k which is a bite size by my standards which should tell you everything.

Please bear in mind you will have to wait a bit for the next parts as I want to get my current project done before this. Its just I didn't anticipate this taking so long.

Anyway, let’s get right into it, shall we?

Chains of Friendship

Chapter 1s for any Fanronpa tend to be very shocking as it’s the creator’s way to try and surprise the audience and subvert any expectations they have. Some do this well, others do not. But Despair Time was one of those who did it well by how it handled the main protagonist Teruko Tawaki.

At first glance she seemed to be an atypical Danganronpa protagonist. Ultimate Lucky Student? Check. Has an ahoge? Check. Believes in friendship, trust, hope and all those bollocks? Check. Gets backstabbed by someone they believed to be a friend in the first chapter? Check quite literally. Forgives said friend and continues to be a ray of sunshine? Ch- oh wait hang on a minute she didn’t do that at all.

Yeeaahhh while Xander’s sudden attempted murder on Teruko was a massive shock, what was even more so that Teruko decided to say fuck friendship and trust and not trust anyone ever again. On one hand you can understand Teruko’s rage. She was very close to Xander and he used that trust to try and kill her. Min was also someone who supported Teruko and she was willing to throw Teruko under the bus to save her own skin. None of the others stood up for her as they all decided that Teruko killed Xander, and it was only thanks to the power of protagonist energy and using basic logic that saved them. As such Teruko was well within her right to call everyone out for being selfish bastards. Especially since as we get to know more of Teruko this chapter, we learn that what happened in Chapter 1, while extreme, is a snapshot of her entire life due to how ruinous her luck has been.

I don’t think I’ve said this before, but I will say it now, luck SUCKS in the Danganronpa universe. Look at all the Lucky Students we had, Makoto is the only one who has a decent life and he loses the most. Nagito is so ravaged by luck he’s become suicidal and depressed. Yuki goes through literal hell due to his luck and the less said about Utsuro, the better. And while it’s still very much a WIP, one of my OCs is a Lucky Student and her life is equally ruined by her luck. But don’t worry I’ve not copy pasted it from anyone else as the direction I’ve taken my OC is in a way nobody has done before. And what Teruko has here is a fine example of that. She is an orphan who was abandoned by everyone in her life, she has numerous wounds on her body, she barely has any education as she has to sneak into large schools as a student and then once the gig is up, run away and her finances are in ruins due to the hospital bills. Its little surprise why she likes the Killing Game, as she gets guaranteed food and shelter here, which is more then what can be said outside. But even that has a silver lining as we know whoever the mastermind is, they have it out for her.

However, while this is a massive departure from what the typical protagonist would go through, it’s a known fact that in a Killing Game, you NEED to work with others. Class Trials are decided by majority vote and so if you become a pariah, you are very likely to be ignored and might risk dooming yourself or others if what you are saying is true. Teruko doesn’t have to like her classmates, but she needs to learn to coexist with them. Especially since Teruko switching from “I hate and distrust everyone” to “We are all friends” is a major mood whiplash I doubt anyone would do. So naturally one of the main themes of this chapter is learning to rebuild trust after its broken and the consequences of not trusting anyone.

Two major voices object to Teruko’s self-imposed isolation and distrust of everyone. The first is Eden Tobisa. She’s always been a cheerful and optimistic person within the Killing Game and has taken Xander’s and Min’s deaths harshly. In a way Eden behaves more like what a typical Danganronpa protagonist does, wanting to be friends with everyone and being kind. When she tries to get Teruko to bake with her, Teruko reminds her the last time they baked was with Hu, Rose and Min and that was later used for Min’s murder of Xander. She calls her naïve for being optimistic and says she won’t be friends with her, because she knows that at some point, Eden will crack from the harsh reality of the Killing Game and the luckster doesn’t want a stake in it. Kindness will always be rewarded with cruelty.

But when she says this Eden surprises her as contrary to what Teruko thinks, Eden isn’t oblivious to the cruelness of the Killing Game and reality as a whole. Yet the small clockmaker chooses to be kind because it’s the right thing to do, and if you give someone kindness while people can backstab you, you can be rewarded. When it comes to trust and distrust you need a healthy balance.

When I reviewed Black and White Christmas, I didn’t like how Sunako was forcing the Quantum Crew to trust the 76 Squad for a couple of reasons. I tried explaining it at the time, but I felt I telegraphed it quite poorly and I’m sure that’s irritated Mod Poi. The first one is on me, as I didn’t really know the 76 Squad then and as such couldn’t really tell at face value if they were to be trusted or not. Since they are from NWPM and I struggled to read it, my lack of knowledge led to that judgement, but the other thing is that I compared the whole thing to Raja and the Last Dragon and how it mishandled the theme of trust. Expect I didn’t explain it very well or misunderstood the hate. The main reason Raja got betrayed the first time was because she trusted Namaari too much, which you should never do to people you literally just meet. Give them the benefit of doubt yes, but never open yourself up to someone you don’t know that well. Teruko made that mistake with Xander and that’s why she got a knife in her gut.

While it’s a heartfelt speech, it had a notable impact on Teruko as she didn’t know how to respond. When you expect nothing but betrayal and backstabbing, having someone be kind for the sake of it can shock you. It’s the same shock Kyoko experienced in Trigger Happy Havoc when she didn’t expect Makoto to keep his mouth shut about evidence that he knows is false, and he explained it’s because he trusts her, she didn’t know how to respond. While Eden isn’t the main protagonist, the same principle applies.

Eden isn’t the only person who objects to Teruko’s views that you should never have faith in others as the other is Charles Cuevas. Starting off Charles was your atypical smug intellectual who believes he’s superior to others, akin like Byakuya and Rei. But much like them, he softens up and learns to work with others though in Charles’s case it’s a bit more extreme. In Chapter 1 he was revealed to suffer from Hemophobia, so much so that if he sees blood, he literally goes into shock and can’t remember anything. Xander uses this to his advantage to try and frame Charles for his would be killing of Teruko, but when it seems like everyone is turning on Charles, Whit is the one who stands up for him, gives evidence why he couldn’t do it and so Charles is cleared. This has caused the formally smug chemist to go through a bit of character development as while in Chapter 2 he still thinks his intelligence is beyond that of most of the cast, he isn’t pushing them down as much and has soften up to certain characters, most particularly Whit and Teruko. The former because he stood up for him and is an honest friend and the latter due to demonstrating that unlike most of the cast, Teruko actually uses her brain. It’s a slow burn but assuming Charles survives all to the end, he will become a much better person.

So, when Teruko talks about her disbelief that he is trusting people after what happened in the Class Trail, he brings up some valid points on why Teruko is actually being quite illogical as cooperation with others is key to surviving this game and humans are social pack animals by design, we work better as a team.

Chapter 1 Charles is pretty much Chapter 2 Teruko but after learning he cannot look at a corpse and thus is incapable of surviving on his own, Charles has started to learn how to rely on others. In some ways he doesn’t like how everyone pities him now so Teruko is a relief as her interactions with him haven’t changed. But while Eden says why Teruko is wrong from an emotional and moral perspective, Charles approaches it from a logical and factual point of view. As many analysts have already pointed out, it’s impossible to do a solo act in a Killing Game, if you want to live, you need to learn how to work with others. Either to prevent yourself from becoming a target, or so others can help you when you are down, much like how Whit helped Charles in his lowest point. As such using his own experiences, he knows the direction Teruko is coming from and implores her to reconsider as eventually events will occur which will force her back to trusting others again.

I like this as we have two different characters, both who get tons of development this Chapter, attacking Teruko’s morals from different angles. But while they are definitely making dents, Teruko is able to justify in her worldview that she’s been beaten too many times to be like Eden, especially as Eden seems to have had a good life where her worst secret is that she’s a closet lesbian. Which okay its definitely something Eden might have been harassed over if bigotry is still a thing in this world, but with so many of the cast being LGBTQ, it’s not the worst secret in the world. And for Charles, he has a deliberating condition which prevents him from surviving on his own. Everyone knows about Teruko’s luck and she’s survived this well without needing help on it so she doesn’t need to rely on others.

Expect of course, she’s wrong, because during an interaction with Veronika, she brings up the suggestion that Teruko might have prosopagnosia.

While it’s not confirmed in this Chapter, I do believe Bubbles has a point that Teruko might have face blindness but I don’t think its prosopagnosia. Recall that Teruko has had a very harsh upbringing where she couldn’t get close to people or have a solid support network. It’s known that having a disruptive childhood can lead to arrested development in various areas. I recall a case where a woman had blurry vision for a long time as a child and wasn’t diagnosed as shortsighted until much later in her life and because this happened after the point in a child’s development where the sense of self develops, it means this woman had a lot of self-identity problems and has a hard time recognising herself or others. But she doesn’t have prosopagnosia as that’s a neurological condition you are born with. Rather I feel the face blindness is due to people fazing in and out of Teruko’s life so much that she doesn’t bother forming connections and that is what’s fucked her up.

Regardless of the technicities, it IS a problem in a Killing Game because it would be very easy for someone to trick Teruko by merely dressing up as someone else. That wouldn’t be a problem if Teruko has a support network in place, but if she doesn’t, then she’s a goner. So, like Charles, for medical reasons Teruko doesn’t have the means to stand on her own and needs others to help her.

But the one character who shattered Teruko’s worldview and made her realise what she’s doing is wrong is the victim of this chapter; Arei Nageishi.

When Arei was introduced back in the Prologue at first it seemed like she was gonna be an insufferable Hiyoko-like character. She’s vicious, mean and enjoys tormenting others. But Chapter 1 reveals some layers to her as when Eden invited Teruko, Rose, Min and Hu to bake, Arei got really upset because she wasn’t invited, implying she wants to be involved with the group but doesn’t know how to approach it in any way other than being mean. Then during her FTE with J, she reveals that she has a ranking system in place for how badly she bullies other, while some like J get mild teasing, others she will try to ruin their lives completely. And for kind people she will make sure they cry because she cannot stand anyone being kind, implying that Arei seems to have a real problem with people being kind.

As such when Eden goes to apologise to Arei for excluding her, at first Arei behaves like how Teruko would think she would, she belittles Eden, calls her dumb and says she’s gonna die if she keeps this up, which causes Eden to burst into tears and run away. But alone with David and Teruko, Arei confesses that she didn’t like doing that. She said that stuff to Eden to protect her, because she believes the world is like what Teruko says it is, that kindness cannot be rewarded with anything other than cruelty. And if Eden keeps this up, she’s gonna die. The reason for this is as you would expect due to trauma as Arei’s older sisters would torment her constantly and make her life hell, until Arei just had it and frame her sisters for a bunch of crimes which resulted in them getting send to reform school. This here is a snapshot of one of the main themes this chapter has so we will come back to it later. So, is Arei just reinforcing Teruko’s worldview? Nope. Because then Arei reveals that despite all of that, she WANTS kind people to exist, she HAS to be doubtful of Eden because she’s so kind and optimistic, the exact person Arei wants to have in her life, but her past experiences have gotten in the way. And as she breaks down sobbing due to that, something stirs within Teruko.

Without realising it, Arei has shot a massive wound in Teruko’s armour. She’s someone who is basically like Teruko, who is rude and cruel to others because every time she’s tried to be kind, it was slapped down and punished. She also believes the world is a dark and evil place, but she also wants to believe kind people exist, despite what her experiences have taught her. This is what Teruko is going through. The fact she does cactus puppet plays of Xander and Min, shows that despite what Teruko claims, she is not a sociopath and can care for others, and she wants to be friends with everyone but having been hurt so badly, she cannot get close again. Teruko, without realising it, sees a lot of herself within Arei. She denies it at the time but those words have an impact on her.

David’s speech to her, even though its hollow and not even Arei believed it because she saw his secret and knew he was a piece of shit, still didn’t mind it. The reason being is that even if someone like David, who is seen as a beacon of hope and sunshine, is a rotten bastard deep down, then its proof she isn’t too far gone. While obviously we don’t have David reveal this to the others, we see the conversation happen, and it clearly had an effect on David, due to him remembering it so vividly. Arei’s drive to become a better person wound up saving Eden’s life twice as she interrupted Arturo’s attack on Eden when she tried to reveal his secret to him, and by doing her stunt Ace, the culprit for this case, decided to switch targets and go for Arei instead of Eden. Which I’m glad that Eden didn’t die because if she did, that would convince many that Despair Time was gonna be a cynical work like the Another Series and The Mistake. And why of course Arei still died this chapter, her death was NOT caused by her reaching out to others because Ace was gonna kill regardless of what was happening. And Teruko’s rage at Ace for killing Arei was less about him having a shitty motive but because had Arei lived, she and Teruko would have become good friends, since she would have understood Teruko’s pain and her desire to want to trust others regardless of her past.

Teruko also suffered the consequences of shutting others out as by being isolationist, Teruko has missed the context for a lot of what shenanigans have unfolded among others, and due to believing her viewpoint to be the only correct one, she makes mistakes. During the Class Trial, Teruko misreads the time and assumed the murder occurred at 8pm and NOT 8am which is Arei’s true time of death. Had Charles not pointed this out, David would be ruled as the culprit and everyone would have been executed. Another major mistake Teruko made was in how to end the Killing Game. When Veronika said that Eden had an idea to end the Killing Game by being as boring as possible, Teruko said that wouldn’t work as that’s why motives exist, whereas she has an idea but she needs to wait until the next murder occurs. We are left hanging, and for Arei’s case quite literally on what she meant by that, that is until Ace was exposed as the culprit and Teruko asks Ace to do something outrageous; Kill MonoTV.

Teruko’s logic for this at first glance seems sound. The reason the Killing Game occurs is due to the fact they have to follow MonoTV’s rules, and breaking them results in death. However, with Ace due to die via execution, he has nothing to lose. If he destroys MonoTV he has a chance to save his own life, of course if he fails, so what, Ace is gonna die anything so it achieves nothing. In short, there is no downsides and only upsides.

Expect of course if you have been paying attention, this is not the case. Firstly, normally with the mascots they tend to have copies, one gets destroyed, another takes its place. Thus, the game will carry on, but then there’s another one and one that tripped a lot of people up. When MonoTV was asked who would be the blackened, he said whoever was the most “mastermind-y” Now a lot of people interpreted this as being whoever is behind the murder and not necessarily the murderer. This is why Bubbles proposed that while Hu would be the one to kill Arei/J, David would be the blackened as he was the one who manipulated Hu into doing so. But this logic doesn’t just apply to murders, when Ace obliges and tries to smash MonoTV, it doesn’t work due to the robot being more durable then initially thought, the AI said that while Ace did break a rule, he was gonna be executed anyway so it would achieve nothing. As such the one being punished would be the one who told Ace to break said rule; Teruko herself.

As the countdown for Teruko to get gatling gunned occurs, I wasn’t worried like Teruko, as I KNEW someone was gonna jump in front of her and take the shots. The question was; who? I was thinking either Eden or Charles would do so as both have strong connections to Teruko, and for both it would be a massive contribution to their characters. In Eden’s case its shows she’s not scared to fight what she believes in, and returning the favour. Teruko stood up for her when the culprits narrowed down to Ace and herself, and Teruko decided to focus on Ace, so the petite clockmaker would return the favour. For Charles, it would be him facing his fears as he is terrified of the sight of blood and gore, so him jumping in front of the way of a gatling gun, assuming he survives, would show how much he is starting to care for the others. Anyone else aside those two…I didn’t think so. Ace would have never done so as I’m sure he is the one who voted for Teruko. Nico clearly wanted to get away with their crimes and the others either aren’t close to Teruko or jumping in front of the gun would be out of character for them. So, when the timer hit zero, I expected a CGI of either Eden or Charles with a lot of bullets in them…

But instead, my expectations were blown wide open by the fact that Levi of all people jumped in front of Teruko and shielded her from the bullets. This reminded me very much of when Akane was almost blown up by a bazooka by Monokuma but Nekomaru blocked his way and got shot. Considering what we learnt about Levi in this Chapter, this really took me off guard AND bumped him up several tiers in my character rankings.

But this had a total shock on Teruko, as she believed if she didn’t care for anyone else, nobody would likewise care for her, so the fact that someone cared enough to shield her from pain, and that they are on death’s door because of her, send shockwaves through Teruko’s body as when after Ace’s execution as everyone rushed to the infirmary to treat Levi, Teruko stayed behind to do something she said she would never do; mourn.

The amount of people who contributed to Teruko’s character development doesn’t end there as while those four are examples of positive interactions for Teruko, we have had two cases of negative interactions who serve a different purpose, the first is David Chiem.

When introduced David…seemed off. He seemed like an affable and friendly person who believes everyone has the motivation and desire to change, and Xander in particular seems to be a massive fanboy of him. But like most celebrities and people in public that is just a façade is in the Prologue when Xander went off to get something for his idol to sign, we see David chuckling to himself on how much of an idiot Xander is, without realising that Teruko was there to see it all, and his shock when she reveals she heard that, says it all. Chapter 2 brought up the suss meter even further when David ‘confessed’ his secret and implored everyone to discuss their own secrets, which far from doing good, ended up causing a lot of drama and tension. Anyone with a irk of sense could tell David was fake, I knew he was fake, Bubbles knew he was fake, pretty much most Youtubers reacting knew he was fake.

Another factor working against him is his VA. Quite a few SDRA2 English Dub VAs also worked on Despair Time, and for the most part is interesting to see their contrasts. Bblackroses is known for playing Hibiki Otonokoji, but here she is J who while Hibiki is a bubbly peppy girly-girly, J is a complete tomboy who hates the starlight and fame. Artimmissis Setsuka Chiebukuro, who is a very reliable woman with a prankster side to her, but here she is MonoTV an incompetent mastermind who tells the worst jokes. David Chiem’s VA is Sword of Swords who also worked on SDRA2, and what character did he play there?

Oh, nobody important, just Mikado Sannoji the Mastermind of that game, the leader of the main antagonist group Void and more or less a piece of shit.

At first glance the contrast seems to be that Mikado is an evil bastard whereas David is a moral force of good. But as the pressure mounts for David and the fact his secret is that he’s a manipulator who likes to deceive others, as well as how he mocked Arei’s desire for friends earlier, meant when it reached the boiling point the mask came off and David revealed his true self.

It’s here the true contrasts between him and Mikado become clear. Both are men who hide their true selves behind a mask, literally for Mikado and figuratively for David and both pretended to be forces of good before their masks slip and their true vile nature is revealed. David is obvious as he tried to be a good moral speaker whereas Mikado you might have missed it tried to be a hero and claim Void was a force of good before Rei and Teruya ruined it. In addition, their true selves are so VERY different. Mikado always remained polite and affable even when he is being extremely bastardry whereas David is rude, condensing and swears all the damn time. I also cannot help that David’s true self looking a lot like Utsuro, who is the main object of Mikado’s desires cannot NOT be a coincidence.

But what does David show for Teruko? Well, he seems to at a glance reinforce Teruko’s beliefs that nobody can be trusted as Teruko smugly pointed out she saw the warning signs of him being evil way before anyone else did. And whenever he talks to her, he seems to want to keep this act of Teruko hating everyone up, saying it’s her nature to distrust others and the only thing she trusts is the truth. And then here is his final confession he wants Teruko to trust what he’s saying. David is in a way a warning of the kind of person Teruko would become if she keeps on her current path. I also think that David had Teruko’s secret and knows it’s her fault the Killing Game is going on. The fact he keeps seemly praising Xander and calling him a good person is obviously an attempt to get under Teruko’s skin due to how she feels about him. I for one second don’t believe he cares about Xander.

Mr. Politician isn’t the only person who serves as a warning as the culprit of this chapter, Ace Markey does as well. Ace always seemed to be a coward as he is easily scared of his own shadow and while he talks tough, he doesn’t have the actions to back it up. However, in Chapter 2 Ace gets sick and tired of being a wimp and thus decides to become a bully, which is still being a coward as pretty much most bullies bully because they are cowards who want someone weaker than themselves to lord over to make themselves feel better. Yet what drives Ace’s actions is his Thanatophobia, fear of death which is a very bad thing to have in a Killing Game. Due to this fear, Ace decides to commit murder as he feels if he doesn’t kill someone, someone will do the same to him and the fact Nico almost does, reinforces this belief. Teruko is someone while not paranoid, is very distrustful of everyone and if she feels that anyone and everyone is out to get her, she could fall down the same slippery slope that Ace does.

Despite this, Ace still manages to surprise her as when Levi takes the bullets for her, everyone needs to get to the infirmary to treat Levi otherwise he dies, but the lift won’t work since Ace still needs to be executed. Ace has already made it very clear he hates and despises Levi, especially after the latter confesses that he doesn’t care about the former, which seemed to really hurt him, but seeing someone he hates that much do something so selfless, means he decides to do the one decent thing in his life, while also being his last, getting MonoTV to execute him so the lift doors open and Levi could be saved.

That I think was the final straw which broke Teruko. She has had mounting pressure throughout the entire Chapter but then someone who was a coward, sacrificing himself so that someone else could live, is the final crushing proof as well as the knowledge that while she avoided making the same mistakes as before, she just wound up making new ones, that caused her to cry alone in the Trial Room.

We also get interesting character interactions with Teruko and MonoTV throughout the chapter. Since Teruko isolated herself so much from the others, MonoTV hires her to do maintenance around the Killing Game since he’s too incompetent to do it himself. As Monokumas were originally butler robots this would have never happened in the main series. We learn a far bit about MonoTV, that he is a simple robot designed for the Killing Game and he doesn’t have full knowledge on who’s running the thing as he was only programmed to do what his tasks enabled. And as Teruko pointed out, he is sadistic as Min was executed before she could say everything she wanted to and Ace’s execution was dragged out for as long as possible, in both cases it’s to make the victims feel the most despair. The other interesting thing is that Teruko can use Monocoins to get him to remove other characters who are bothering her which is the complete contrast to FTEs. What should we call them instead? Exclusion Zone Effects or EZE? Nah that doesn’t roll off the tongue.

In conclusion, I really liked how Teruko was handled in this Chapter due to how much of a cliffhanger the previous chapter left with her. This chapter did so much to knock her down for her high and mighty view and while she won’t be buddy-buddy come Chapter 3, I do believe that she will be more approachable to the cast. Teruko’s journey throughout this fanganronpa will be interesting to see and I see her opening up more about her past as she gets more comfortable with the cast.

Trust in Nature

Every Danganronpa game has two themes, no matter how you slice it. The first theme is the most obvious one and this is a theme that the protagonist and the mastermind have in common. For Trigger Happy Havoc its Hope vs. Despair, Goodbye Despair is Future vs. Past and Killing Harmony is Truth vs. Lies.

Some have said that it’s too early to call what the themes for Despair Time are, but I disagree as Chapter 2 imo is the ideal time to introduce your themes, and I think I’ve worked them out. The primary theme is one that doesn’t take much to deduce and others have caught onto it and that is Optimism vs. Cynicism. Teruko is a very cynical individual and doesn’t think she can trust others but more optimistic people disagree, saying being jaded makes you more open to being deceived. Eden and Charles, who are 100% the partners in this fanganronpa serving similar roles to Kaito and Maki in Killing Harmony where one represents the emotional connection and the other the logical one. Eden is always a bundle of sunshine and wanting everyone to be happy, but unlike someone like say Makoto, she isn’t oblivious to the fact the world is cruel but chooses to be kind regardless because its decent and it’s the most moral thing to do. Charles is more logical based and originally was quite cynical but having been shown kindness by Whit, he has opened up a bit more to some other people and while he definitely is a work in progress, he is more optimistic about surviving and escaping the Killing Game.

And this brings me to the Rival of the Fanganronpa; David. Bubbles didn’t like David surviving past Chapter 2, ignoring their own hatred for David aside because they didn’t think David contributed anything meaningful to the overall narrative of Despair Time. I disagree harshly as if I am right with the main themes of Despair Time, David is 100% a perfect Rival character as he represents those themes so well. The cynicism side is obvious as David believes that everyone is gonna die in the Killing Game and there is no point to continuing so might as well get it over and done with. This is why when David’s true nature was exposed, he tried to claim to be the killer, which is another typical rival tactic, so everyone votes for him and they all die. This very logic is why Teruko said she is not the culprit because as soon as David went on his tirade, it would have been an instant win condition for her. And as the game progresses more and more people are gonna want to live to prove David wrong and his mental sanity is probably gonna decline as a result until his Rival protection cause expires in Chapter 5 where he probably dies in a way to try and spite the cast. Going back to the Mastermind, I believe they think the Despair Time cast are all horrible people that deserve to die, whenever that be because they are Neo Remnants of Despair or something to do with Teruko, and as such use the Killing Game to kill them all. By the end of the fanganronpa, Teruko would have become more like a typical Danganronpa protagonist and be able to defy the mastermind wanting to kill her by showing the world is not a bleak place and people can change and improve.

That brings me nicely to the secondary themes. The primary themes are shared between the protagonist and the mastermind, whereas the secondary themes are shared between the group and the rival character. This take a bit more thinking to figure out but I think I’ve cracked what Despair Time’s secondary theme is. Trigger Happy Havoc’s is working together as a team as the class are trying to work together to survive the Killing Game while Byakuya is trying to play the Killing Game in order to “win” and isolates himself from the others. Goodbye Despair’s secondary theme is a deconstruction of the idea of talent as despite being Ultimates, Class 77-B doesn’t really care about their talents and support each other for their own individual characteristics and despite Hajime being revealed to be a Reserve Course Student, are extremely accepting of him. Nagito by contrast believes Hope’s Peak talented and talentless system is gospel, praises his fellow Ultimates for their talents which they do not want to be reminded by and is extremely cruel to Hajime when he finds out he is a talentless person who thinks he can mingle with his idea of the elite. Killing Harmony’s secondary theme is wanting to remain stagnant and compliant as the V3 Cast are very content to stick to the status quo and carry on with their lives, whereas Kokichi would rather shake things up and challenge said status quo. All of these secondary themes are very important to the story. And with that I believe Despair Time’s secondary theme is if humanity is inherently good or evil.

That seems very similar to Optimism vs. Cynicism but it isn’t. This theme tackles if humans are capable of changing their nature or if they are always either good or evil. From this it’s very easy to see where David lies, he believes humanity cannot change their nature, people are either saints or scum. If someone can “change themselves” it’s because they were never that bad to begin with, whereas truly evil people cannot change. And Teruko also seems to agree on this concept because whenever Eden says she is a good person, Teruko tells her to stop as by saying that, she makes her feel worse for the fact she can change but she hasn’t made the effort to do so. Teruko always believed she was scum and would die like scum if she cared about nobody around her.

Naturally this chapter has a few characters who challenge this rule big time. Let’s start with Levi, the guy has always seemed chill but we get to see more of a scary side to him when he threatens to kill Ace if he doesn’t stop being an arsehole. We also have an interesting opening discussion with him and Eden where Levi confesses that he doesn’t see himself as a good person, contrary to what Eden thinks. This all gets revealed in the Class Trial when Levi admits that he doesn’t possess empathy and therefore cannot care about anyone around him, the fact he’s killed 4 people, one of whom being his own father and yet he treats it with the same disinterest as one would swat a fly, is very telling.

Fans were quick to diagnose Levi with Antisocial Personality Disorder, and this is where DT Dev actually impressed me big time. This disorder is one of the most maligned within society, even more so in my opinion then those on the autistic spectrum. The reason being is simple, almost every single time a fictional character is revealed to have this disorder they are almost always a psychopathic villain who kills everyone around them and gives zero shits. To say how damaging this stereotype is unbelievable and Levi is frankly the most realistic portrayal of someone with this disorder. Yes, Levi doesn’t have empathy, or a very low level of it, but he still tries to be a good person not because of morals and emotions, but more so out of a sense of duty, especially as before Levi revealed it nobody suspected a thing due to Levi not behaving like the usual stereotypes. He isn’t very good at it because he's trying to figure out how to be a good person which isn’t easy when it’s not instinct. When Ace asked if he cared about him at all and Levi responded with flat no, while Ace screamed at Levi in his usual manner, it’s clear the jockey was hurt by this reveal as a small part of him wanted to consider Levi a friend.

So, for Levi to then shield Teruko with his body from the gatling gun, not only comes as a massive shock but I believe this is Levi’s attempts of trying to prove he is a good person. Chances are, he wasn’t happy with how he handled the situation with Ace and wanted to prove something to him, so that’s why he protected Teruko, not only because thinking about it, Levi was probably one of the few characters who could survive that, but to try and redeem himself from how he mishandled the situation with Ace. And the effects of this are very clear as Ace, who was trying to prolong his death as much as possible, upon realising the only way to save Levi is for him to die, demands MonoTV to execute him. If someone without a clear concept of empathy can be a good person, then isn’t that proof humans can change?

Arei is another character who also wants to believe she can change. After she decides to become a good person, the bowler saves Eden from being threatened by Arturo and then later that night confronts David about the fact she knows he’s full of shit. We heard some of this originally from Ace who overheard the conversation, but when David is thinking about what to say to Eden, we hear the other half where Arei says she’s glad David is horrible because it means there is no such thing as a pure good person. That even someone like Eden might have done something nasty and if he’s so deprived then there’s hope left for her. She even offers a hand of friendship to David because she thinks they are one and the same, and they can improve their behaviour together. The fact David remembers this means the conversation had a meaningful impact on him, even though he doesn’t show it. What Arei is showing is clear existentialism or optimistic nihilism. Nihilism which I’m sure 75% of people reading this believe in, is where you believe nothing in the world matters because it’s all meaningless. Optimistic nihilism by contrast is saying that yes nothing matters, but that’s okay because you have the power to decide what is most important. Arei clearly believes there is no such thing as a pure good person, but what she can be is a slightly less shitty person then she was before.

And finally, there’s Ace. Ace’s motive for killing Arei is the fact he is scared of death, and that if he didn’t kill someone, then he would be killed. His reason for targeting Arei was simply coincidence, his original target was Eden but upon learning of Arei’s desire to change, decided to exploit that to target her. Ace also demonstrates a level of intelligence we haven’t seen from him before given that he was able to memorise how Nico tried to kill him, replicate that method, overpower Arei with a method unique to him and since everyone thinks Ace is dumb, he was able to pull the wool over their eyes and he could have damn well gotten away with it, especially with David’s stunt making so many convinced he was the one who killed Arei. Goes to show that people are not as stupid as you think. He gets chewed out big time by Teruko who calls him a coward, his motive is dumb and that Arei didn’t deserve to die because of that. However, even when facing death there is still a chance for character development and that comes when Levi eats a rain of bullets. Not only does this change Ace’s opinion on Levi considering he hated his guts before, but he gives Arturo a well-deserved callout who claims he doesn’t know how to treat Levi’s wounds because of his mix-maxed medical skills, but Ace calls him a coward saying as a surgeon he should know the basics and apply that skill to save Levi’s life or at least keep him alive as he gets executed. And yes, despite being as scared as possible for his death, he accepts it as it’s the only way to save Levi as the lift doors won’t open until he is executed.

Onto Ace’s execution I was pleasantly surprised as I have seen somewhere on YouTube an Ultimate Jockey Execution where the horses are used to tear the victim up, and I would have complained MASSIVELY if Ace went down a similar route. But no, the execution is more tailored to Ace’s fear of death by him escaping horror scenario after horror scenario, no wonder Veronika was orgasming over it, until when facing an execution squad, they shoot confetti and Ace suffers a heart attack and dies from fear. This is actually a real way people can die as during the 1970s, there was a string of cases where Hmong refugees would die from heart attacks in their sleep despite being healthy and middle-aged. Doctors at the time concluded that they were suffering nightmares so bad it would cause heart attacks and kill them in their sleep, and if this sounds familiar to you, it should as it was one of the inspirations behind A Nightmare on Elm Street. There’s a reason you shouldn’t scare someone with heart problems and while Ace might not have any heart issues, he has been suffering a lot of stress which could have made his heart rate dodgy and then the execution delivered.

These themes are extremely heavy hitting and I’m glad Despair Time is covering them. I could be wrong about them but that’s my theory on what they are.

Murderer Among Us

And finally, my last big positive about Despair Time’s Chapter 2 is the fact we not only get an attempted murder, with the plot twist the would-be victim would later become the culprit but the fact that this attempt didn’t succeed means the would-be murderer walks among the cast still and they have to deal with the consequences.

I have wanted this since Killing Harmony when Monokuma offered the tantalising prospect that if there are two blackeneds, only the first murder counts. So, when Korekiyo confesses to killing Tenko, the cast cannot vote for him because if he didn’t kill Angie, they would have got it wrong. I REALLY wanted it to be that Tenko was Angie’s killer, my logic being that Angie invited Tenko to her Talent Lab for a chat which got into a heated debate about how Angie was brainwashing Himiko and Tenko, who is quite hot-headed and doesn’t always think straight, accidently killed Angie in the heat of the moment. She would then either cover up her crime or someone else like the Mastermind would make the locked room mystery which the cast discovered and when Kiyo announces he is gonna do a séance, Tenko grows worried as if the séance is a success, Angie would reveal the culprit so Tenko offered to become the vessel which led to her death. You could also argue that maybe she sensed Korekiyo was up to something and did it to protect Himiko. Either way that would make for an interesting Chapter 4 because tensions between Korekiyo and Himiko would be high, but of course Kodaka doesn’t do anything with that and as a result we end up with 4 deaths, and 2 ruined chapters.

No other fanganronpa tried anything like this as they were all not willing to commit so I thank Despair Time wholeheartedly for actually having the balls to do so. As Nico, being pushed to their limit by Ace’s tormenting of them, which is very similar to how they are ostracised for being non-binary, meant they tried to commit murder by hanging Ace on the fans, but they not only miscalculated the strength of the fans but Ace woke up from being knocked unconscious and struggled awake. Before Nico could try again, Teruko and Eden showed up, foiling any would be attempt. Not only did Nico try to commit murder, but they betrayed the trust of both Hu who was trying to protect them but also Rose as Nico stole Hu’s wire and Rose’s turpentine to use for their murder scheme. What’s interesting is they didn’t apologise because they not only were not sorry for trying to kill Ace but know an apology won’t cut it. J gave Nico a very harsh verdict that even though their attempt was foiled, the point is they still tried to commit murder and was willing to give up the lives of everyone here for their own, and betrayed the trust of those who reached out to them. Hu hasn’t had a very good time this chapter because two of her closest friends; David and Nico, turned out to be using her for their own schemes, and we see the consequences of her mother hen nature. I feel a major theme for Chapter 3 is gonna be forgiveness as both Nico and David have burnt a lot of bridges this chapter and the fact they still live, means they need to somehow get back into the good graces of the group. How they do this I don’t know; David probably would be fine being a pariah but I’m not sure if Nico is wanting to make amends. They might, but they might also think they went too far. I do hope that Nico tries, especially after they have seen that even people like Levi and Ace were willing to act selflessly. And who knows, maybe David might try but I think it would be a ruse, which will still work because this cast isn’t the brightest.

Does this mean Nico would be a survivor? I don’t know as I do believe between David and Nico, one will be a survivor and the other will die, probably as a victim but who I cannot tell as Chapter 3 would probably expand upon these two a bit more. Regardless I’m glad this is being touched upon and I for one am looking forward to see where it takes Nico.

And that’s all the positives I have to say about Chapter 2. Teruko had a good character arc, I like how we know the main themes, we know who presumably the partners and rival characters are, we have an attempted murderer walking among the cast, quite a few characters like Levi, Arei and Ace got moments to shine and the execution was well done. But it cannot be all sunshine and rainbows. As much as there is good, there is also bad so when we come back next time, I’m gonna talk about what didn’t go well for Chapter 2 and what DT Dev could do to improve things.

Until then, see ya! -Review Anon

[neodymiumcuilz]

"I can't imagine, my friend, "I don't want my father to die... Please don't leave me alone."With every passing moment, I feel like I'm getting closer to disaster...from the moment I don't want to imagine, and can't even bear to think about. 💔💔💔😭My father, the man who taught me to face life... is now the one fighting to stay alive.His body is exhausted by kidney failure... His kidneys are dead, and dialysis is wearing him down more and more on his soul and body. My father doesn't sleep from pain, doesn't eat from exhaustion, and doesn't speak except because he thinks of his imminent death... 💔💔Every day I see him weakening before my eyes, and every day I hold back my tears so he doesn't see my pain, but he knows... because he also cries when he thinks I'm asleep. 💔 The doctors said the only solution is urgent treatment and a necessary operation...But we live in the midst of war, poverty, destruction, and hunger, and whoever can't afford treatment is doomed to lose everything... even the people he loves most.A mere $140... is all that stands between my father and death.But someone who lives in a besieged land, without work, without a home, without anything... how can he amass that amount?I don't want my father to die. I don't want to say goodbye to him helplessly. I don't want to stand at his grave and say, "I couldn't save you, Dad..." 😭I can't bear the thought of being alone in this world. Please... These aren't just words. This is the cry of a son who sees his father consumed by illness and is unable to do anything. Every contribution, no matter how small, could save a life... and restore life to a heart that was about to be broken. Please help me 😭😭🙏🏻 "

Please, read this message. Take it all in, only imagine what he's going through, imagine this situation playing out in your life - you would want the world to be screaming too. Please understand the severity if this situation.

The people of Gaza are human just like you and I, they are human beings, not just numbers on a piece of paper. They are humans with relationships, personalities, dreams and aspirations and interests just like you and I, each and every death in Gaza is tragic, emotional and traumatising. All 186,000 people had someone who cared about them, Each death is mourned, and has a story behind it. Every person in Gaza - please comprehend this. Imagine this happening with your friends, family...

Why are you still silent? With a simple act if sharing or donation you can help a family out, you can bring so much donations and save a life with even a small bit of money. Even a small amount will save his life. Please don't let this man die, don't let him become another number, don't let the world forget about him - don't let him die. Don't be the reason - don't ignore him - then his blood is on your hands! It takes two seconds to donate or share. NOT ENOUGH PEOPLE ARE DONATING!! Only 140 left until he can receive help - NOT MUCH LEFT.

Please be kind - every single dollar counts now more than ever, every single voice matters more than ever. I beg you - you can LITTERALLY BE THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN LIFE AND DEATH RIGHT NOW- DONT IGNORE THIS MESSAGE!!

[lullabyalikpoptarot]

Got 7 Tea Sessions

Disclaimer: No facts, all alleged. This is my interpretation of the cards and energy I work with.

I will get to this group. I never really did readings on them, a bit of Jackson and Bam Bam, but not enough to know their energies all that well, so it will be interesting to see what they share and is this group is more mute or open about their tea.

Mark

Why is he giving me the vibe he is programmed as well. This spread gives off that vibe. This High Priestess and the Queen of Cups is giving me offerings, not sure what that means. I just hear, offerings, so there is some weird behind the scene rituals he may do, and I am getting these drinks or concoctions again.

I just heard, it puts him in a state of denial. I am a messenger, not a clarifier, not sure what that means either. I can see him trying to shine his authentic self to the world. And shine the light on the skills he has. He might try to do multiple things or try different things.

I see him trying to leave the past behind him and the difficult period he may have had. This could do with being in the group. He is trying to find his light and be his true self. To find his voice again. It is like he is reborn again.

I just see him trying to restore balance and find his peace. I am seeing a lot of cups or they are pointing me in that direction. Does he drink a lot? Maybe he is trying to moderate that and trying to think more logically. He may also want to seek some sort of Justice somehow as well.

Overall nothing too crazy I am sensing with him from what I can pick up on. I mean, except for the rituals that may go on with him.

Jay B

I can see him not being very happy or satisfied with a contract he has or made. I also see him not wanting to do things he may be contracted to do or obligated to do. Just like Mark, it seems he wants to find himself again and search for the things that spark joy in him and find his happiness.

He wants to be authentically himself and maybe show his true self to the world. It is like he may want to cut the delusions. It is like he wants to be himself and not sell a delusion. He may also have fantasies and ideas of what he wants to do for the future, but he may struggle to make that a reality.

There could be something he is hesitant or fearful of doing. I am not sure who this KOS' is, not sure if this is him or someone else. A pretty cold, rational, logical person, someone brutally honest and harsh. I sense this man is pushing him to do something. And he may not be comfortable doing it, but this man doesn't seem like the type to have much patience, sympathy or care to give af. It is like it might put him in a compromising position.

Okay, that was a bit more tea. I couldn't fully understand his messaging but got something out of this.

Jackson

Well, do not like that I started with the Death card. Knowing he struggles with the industry publicly, so getting grim here, he may contemplate it, or he fears that could happen. But also, there is something with sacrificing here, maybe himself and his moral code. As one may have to do in this industry.

He seems to have been through the ringer when it comes to this industry. He seems very defensive and guarded. I feel he may have dealt with abuse, but being an idol has been a struggle for him and it is pretty hard for him to maintain it, but he tries to stand strong as much as he can. But this vibe gives me I can only take so much.

Not sure what this Empress means, it could be his Mom, or some female figure in his life. Or he is trying to find a baby Momma. I think this is more about work. I feel he has someone who watches over him and takes care of him as he does struggle.

This person also may supply him medication as well. They pretty much oversee what he does and makes sure he doesn't slip up or do anything stupid. So, this woman keeps an eye on him to make sure he does what he needs to do. I don't think it is out of them being concern for his wellbeing, more so taking care of a product that is theirs, that is how I see it. Like they keep him stable to make sure he is doing his job.

Man, this industry is a piece of work. But his went how I expected unfortunately.

Jinyoung

I can see him wanting to seek some sort of Justice from this Queen of Wands I am seeing here. I see him trying to find balance and to see things more clearly and make better decisions. But I see him being trapped. Not able to do much. He seems silenced.

There are things behind the scenes we aren't aware of about him. This spread just gives me he is controlled by others, and someone probably this QOW's dictates how he behaves in public or which persona he portrays. He could be under some sort of spell from her too.

There is this inability for him to take action or do anything he wants to do. It is like it is hard for him to speak up for himself and whatever he is contracted to do keeps him silent. I just feel others dictate what he does and how he shows himself to the public. I feel he wants to show off more of his skill, but he may struggle to be able to do that.

Youngjae

This spread is pretty bad. He seems very stressed, depressed. He may be struggling to stay afloat. Man, getting both the 10 of Swords and 9 of Swords is pretty rough to get, so he is dealing with a lot of mental struggles and weight.

I see him wanting to speak his truth or go after some people. Maybe his company or JYP, or speak up about it more. I see this Knight of Swords and I just see, I am going after you. I see there can be dirty tricks and manipulation when it comes to these companies.

I am getting there is some surprise element to getting ahead, or things took him by surprise, like I said I am just a messenger. I don't always know the meaning of the message. I keep hearing, dirty tricks.

There could be dirty tricks that surprised him when it comes to the industry. I think he wants to speak his truth, maybe it is behind the scenes or expressing how he truly feels. I don't see him being someone who is silent about these things.

But yeah, he is showing these companies manipulate and orchestrate a lot of what happens. And he may be tired of it and mentally burnt out from all the manipulation and evil tactics they do. I also got they play mind games and mental tricks.

Bam Bam

Hmm, this dude may have some drinking issues. I see depression, confusion, not seeing things very clearly at all. He has a distorted view on things. He may drink to numb himself. I see him having this defeatist mindset or just accepting things for what it is.

He seems to have this passive energy of just not wanting to take action on things. He just lets things be and accepts the hand he was dealt, which is why he feels so sad. I do see an opportunity arising for him, but I don't really see him doing much about it.

It is like he sees it, but isn't trying to take action steps towards it. The energy just gives me depression vibes. Of just not having the will to do much, but just goes with the flow. He might try to bury his emotions and pain. I don't know he doesn't give off that vibe publicly but okay don't really pay attention to what he does, so I could be wrong. Or he suppresses it with drinking. So yeah, he doesn't look to be in the best place either.

Yugyeom

Yeah, his energy is weird af. It is so hard to decipher. He seems highly controlled. He might struggle to think for himself. So, there is some craziness going on with him, because I cannot decipher what this means, meaning, they are hiding something with him.

He may have had to sleep with this KOC's and QOS' here, maybe this is his energy, but can't decipher that. There is just manipulation and lies surrounding him. This QOS' may be offering him to do something, or telling him to do something that he may not be comfortable with. He seems pretty gullible, susceptible to manipulation.

He seems to be very easily influenced by others. I am not sure he is the smartest person out there either. His energy is crazy convoluted. He gives me he is a puppet and told what to do and he seems very naive to how the industry can be very manipulative and toxic. Okay, that is it, I got no patience to go any further. But interesting.

Okay, well that was a ride. At first, I didn't think they had much tea, but the further down I got. The more I got. So, here it is, this is all I can pick up from them for this tea session.

[morelikeravenbore]

🦋 Writer Interview Game

Thank you for tagging me @theladyofshalott1989! Everyone go read her Like Moths to a Flame series pls (it's on my to-read list and I'm really looking forward to it!)

When did you start writing?

I've been writing for as long as I can remember. When I was a kid, I used to hand write entire novels lol. At school, they'd assign us a little writing project and I'd show up with like 28 chapters, ongoing. I remember reading one story aloud once and the whole room was dead quiet after, and one girl goes: "whoa." anyway, eventually they were like, hey I think this kid is gifted (or autistic LOL but why not both.)

Are there different themes or genres you enjoy reading than what you write? 

Not really haha. My brain really goes: HEY WE REALLY REALLY REALLY LIKE THIS ONE THING AND WE'RE NOT INTERESTED IN ANYTHING ELSE. I mean, I do enjoy reading non-fiction, and I love the classics, but mostly I like fiction/romance/light fantasy stuff. 

Is there a writer you want to emulate or get compared to often? 

Nah. I just write like me. I guess the HP series had a huge influence on me since I was SO obsessed with it, which is probably why I write past tense/third pov limited. Sometimes I'll re-read a lot of Austen and end up using a bunch of old timey words in my next chapter, but mostly I just write and it comes out sounding like me. 

Can you tell me a bit about your writing space? 

I don't have one. I write 99.9% of my work on my phone wherever I happen to be. My brain is chaos but it works for me. (Right now I am writing this on the beach while my dog digs holes beside me.)

What's your most effective way to muster up a muse?

It's kinda rare that I can't find a muse. Usually I just burn myself out, so reading, resting and rotting helps restore my creative energy.

Are there any recurring themes in your writing? Do they surprise you?

HahahhA y'all this is too personal for me *sweats* but yes: grief and shitty parents. No, that does not surprise me. I also seem to have a thing about orphans and red heads.

What is your reason for writing?

I don't know how to stop.

Is there any specific comment or type of comment you find particularly motivating?

With fanfic, when people tell me my characterisations of canon characters are spot on, or when people tell me my original characters feel like canon characters, hehe.

How do you want to be thought about by your readers?

I don't want to be thought about by my readers at all, which is why I'll always write as an anonymous gremlin. And as far as my characters and stories go, I honestly don't give much thought to it. People are free to think what they like, it doesn't really bother me.

What do you feel is your greatest strength as a writer?

Getting inside my characters heads, I think. Understanding their motivations and writing them as real and flawed and human as I can.

How do you feel about your own writing?

Honestly, I love it haha! Sometimes I might cry for three days believing that I'm absolute garbage, but that's just life innit. Mostly, I write because it's one of the greatest sources of joy in my life and it just makes me happy.

Np tags: @galaxiasgreen @lyworth @gingerlegacy07 @sloanesallow @thesuperiorfeeling

[lorirwritesfanfic]

Pause For Coffee

Book: The Royal Romance / The Royal Heir [x Desire & Decorum (Modern day AU)] Characters: Liam Rys, MC (Jade), Jackson Walker, Eleanor Rys, Leo Rys, OC (Andrea Edwards), OC (Gianna Rossi) [Mentioned: Constantine Rys, Drake Walker, Prince Hamid, Daphne Wang (D&D MC|OC)] Rating: T Word count: 2459 Reading time: 10min Summary: Cordonian apple tea is the official drink of the kingdom, but the Cordonian king prefers another hot drink whenever he needs an energy boost. Based on the prompts: @kingliamappreciationweek Day four: coffee

Author's notes:

Jade Bourbon-Rys, Andrea Edwards, Gianna Rossi and Daphne Wang are creations of this author. The other characters belong to Pixelberry Studios;

Thank you again to @lizzybeth1986 and @sazanes for hosting another KLAW! I got so inspired by the event this year that I wrote more than I planned. Thank you for still acepting late submissions 😍

Cordonian capitol, June 2021

Blue, pink and purple hues painted the sky as Liam rested on the chaise lounge of his office before the last meeting of the day. Though this week has been calmer than usual, he still needed a couple of minutes before the video conference with Cordonian ambassador in the US. Returning to work after Elise's birth hasn't been easy. Fortunately, there's one thing that never failed to help him restore his energy.

"Your Majesty?" His assistant called after a soft knock on the door.

"Come in."

Carrying a tray with a cup of coffee and sparkling water, his assistant walked in and placed the tray on the side table. "Your coffee, sir."

"Thank you, Andrea."

As his assistant left, Liam smiled as the comforting smell of brewed coffee filled his lungs, bringing back memories of the day he tasted it for the first time.

Cordonian capital, February 2000

The doors to the Royal conference room opened as the young prince walked out of the room. With his eyes downcast, Liam ambled through the hallway, embarrassed with what just happened during the King's meeting with the Royal advisors. Being lectured again in front of all those people was no fun at all. Especially when his father was the one who noticed the moment he dozed off.

Why was it so hard to stay awake during meetings? Sure, a Royal meeting wasn't the most entertaining activity for him. He'd rather play with his friends or have a Babylon 5 marathon night with Drake and Maxwell. But it couldn't be so hard to stay awake through those meetings, right? If Leo (who never slept before 12 am) still could do it, why couldn't he?

On the way to his room, he nodded to the guards when a familiar smell spread across the hallway: caramel and toasted nuts. It wasn't the first time he sensed it, but was the first time it got his attention. Whenever he passed by the staff kitchen, that fragrance always was in the air. He just didn't know exactly what it was. Following his instincts, he went to the staff area, where the smell was coming from.

"Your Highness," Drake's father, Jackson, nodded to him and took a sip of something in a mug.

"Good morning, Mr. Walker." The boy simpered as he sat next to his father's personal bodyguard.

"Everything alright, sir?"

"No..." Liam frowned. "I fell asleep at the meeting again."

"Did anyone see you?"

"Father did."

The man grimaced. 

"Yeah..." The boy looked down again, fiddling with the hem of his sweater.

"For what it's worth, I think you're too young to be there."

"Oh?" Liam looked at the guard in confusion.

"I understand this will be a part of your life and eventually you'll have to be there to partake in all those meetings. But those are boring meetings even for a smart kid like yourself."

"Do you think they're boring too?"

Jackson looked around suspiciously, to make sure no one else was hearing and then he uttered, "A little bit."

Liam giggled.

"Have you slept through the meeting too? Is that why you weren't there?"

The man shook his head. "No. Never. I always have to be alert on duty. I just made a pause for coffee." 

Lifting his still steaming mug of coffee to his lips, Jackson took a gulp, closed his eyes to savor the hot drink and then smiled softly.

"Look, I know you don't want to be in there, especially to be lectured about things you don't understand yet. But if the King wants you there, make an effort to be there. Your father will appreciate it."

"But how do I stay awake when I'm there? Even Leo can..." Liam frowned.

"Start by obeying the Queen when she says it's time for you to go to bed. A good night of sleep can change everything. And don't do what Leo does. You're too young for that."

"Okay..." Liam's brows furrowed in confusion. His brother did something to stay awake. But what was it?

...

"Nope," Leo said as he threw a dart near the center of the dartboard on the wall.

"But, Leo!" Liam whined.

"You heard Jackson. You're a kid. You can't have what I have," Leo replied with a smug grin.

The young prince scowled. Though he knew his brother was old enough to have some privileges like learning how to drive or traveling on his own, this was just a stupid drink. He wouldn't go down with a fight.

Liam was about to say something when a maid knocked and opened the door to leave a travel mug on the side table. Both princes then rushed to pick it up, Liam climbing on his brother's back in hopes to steal the mug Leo had already got.

...

The following day

Liam hid in a broom closet as he waited for Drake's signal. He knew the chef was about to have a break for lunch and always left the carafe full for the guards. The entire palace security drank that thing, so why couldn't he?

Just then, he heard three short whistles. That was their signal. Time to get in.

The young prince then tiptoed into the kitchen and the powerful smell of caramel and nuts overtook him. Walking towards the coffee maker, Liam reached for a small cup when a hand tapped his shoulder. As he turned around, Queen Eleanor pursed her lips at him while his friend was nowhere to be seen.

"What do you think you're doing, young man?"

"Nothing... I was thirsty so—"

"Do you expect me to believe that?"

"But mom! I truly am thirsty!" Liam protested. 

"The water filter is right there, Liam." Eleanor then pointed to the opposite side of the kitchen.

The young prince looked down at his hands.

"Why are you trying to drink something I already told you it's unhealthy for you?"

"Because I have to stay awake in the meetings..." The boy frowned.

The queen cupped her son's cheek and smiled fondly.  The king could be too harsh on his sons sometimes.

"All you have to do is rest, eat your vegetables. You don't need to have coffee."

"Why can Leo have it and I can't?"

"My dear, Leo doesn't drink this type of coffee."

"Doesn't he?" Liam's brows furrowed.

"He already reached an age in which he can experience a couple of things adults can, but it doesn't include a cup of espresso in the middle of the afternoon."

"What does he drink then?"

"A mochaccino."

"Can I have that too?"

"As long as you or Drake don't try to steal coffee from the kitchen without an adult's permission, yes."

"Thank you, mom!" Liam hugged his mother tightly. 

"I'm going to prepare us a special mochaccino. Why don't you go ask Bianca if Drake and Savannah can join us?"

The young prince nodded in excitement and rushed to the Walkers house while the Queen made her way to the Royal kitchen.

Cordonian capitol, June 2021

The king smiled to himself. Back then, he had no idea the mochaccino he had once in a while with his mother and friends was actually a babyccino. He understood her reasons now and was glad to be part of the experience of having coffee with his mother sometimes. Even if it was decaffeinated coffee.

As he lifted the cup to his lips, his brows furrowed. Liam put the coffee on the table and pressed the buzzer to call his assistant.

His assistant immediately opened the door again. "Yes, Your Majesty?"

"Did the kitchen staff prepare me a lungo? This isn't a espresso."

"No, Sir. They made you a Turkish coffee."

"Turkish coffee?"

"Yes, sir. It's made with the Arabica coffee beans Mr. Osmanoğlu and Lady Foredale gave to you during the Royal Heir baby shower."

Liam pressed his lips together, still remembering the sassy note his cousin and his teenhood friend left on the coffee packaging. 

"Switch the espresso for a nice and steamy cup of Türk kahve and you won't have the drawback espresso gives by the fourth cup of night while the baby still hasn't fallen into slumber. You're welcome! ;)"

"The handwriting was Daphne's, but the content certainly was Hamid's doing. That prick..." Liam thought to himself, shaking his head. "Andrea, I especifically asked for an espresso."

"Yes, you did, Sir. But since it would be your fourth doppio espresso today, the queen was adamant about changing the Italian roast for the Arabica coffee."

"The fourth?"

"Yes, sir."

Liam was about to say something when a yawn escaped his lips.

"If I may be so bold, sir, I still have the list of nurses pre-approved by the Queen Mother and your security staff," Andrea prompted.

His brows rose in surprise. Andrea has being working with him since he became the crown prince and always followed his orders without question. The very few rare moments she started a phrase with 'if I may be so bold...' meant that he was doing something he probably would regret later.

"I need to talk to Jade first, but send the list to me."

"As you wish, sir." 

Liam gently rubbed his eyes in hopes to fight against sleep, then reached for the coffee. He couldn't recall the last time he felt this tired, given how little he had slept in the past three months. At least, Jade wasn't trying to forbid him of having his coffee.

Capri, January 2018

A gentle breeze blew against the curtains while Liam read a few documents still pending his signature. The king didn't wish to start his reign by letting the paperwork pile up in his office back in Cordonia during the engagement tour, so he might as well get started before his schedule got busied by dinners, meetings and conferences he had to attend while being abroad. To handle the paperwork, nothing would be better to start his day than a nice cup of coffee and a pastry.

As he waited for his coffee, voices coming from the hallway reached his ears. His lips twisted in displeasure, but hopefully his security detail would handle the situation.

A few minutes later, the hotel room maid walked in and placed a cup of tea and the tartlet on the coffee table.

"Excuse me, I didn't order tea."

"I know, sir." The maid looked down at her hands. "But a blond lady stopped me and told me to throw the coffee away because you only have apple tea."

"A blond lady?"

"The guards said it was your fiancee."

Liam pinched the bridge of his nose. It had been only two months since he forced himself go through with the arrangement with Madeleine, but he had lost count of how many times she has meddled into his daily routine.

"I'm so sorry, sir. I know this isn't your business, but my boss has been on my back because I missed work last week to take my son to the emergency room. If he finds out about this, I think I'll be fired."

Liam's heart sank at the pleading look on the woman's eyes. He couldn't be the cause of anyone losing their job because Madeleine interfered in his life again.

He glanced at the name on the maid uniform and smiled. "It's alright, Mrs. Rossi. Did you say this is apple tea?"

"Yes, it was made with Cordonian apples, just like your fiancee requested."

Liam looked down at the tea and tried not to grimace. If it didn't have sugar, it would be so hard to swallow.

"There's honey on the serving tray cart if you want."

"Thank you. I definitely want some."

The maid nodded and left the suite to get the honey. Once she returned and added honey to his tea, Liam took a sip.

"That's better. Thank you."

"I'm glad, sir. And I promise I'll bring you a doppio espresso the next time you order coffee."

"Well, in this case, bring me a doppio espresso in five minutes."

The maid grinned. "Yes, sir."

"And if your boss gives you a hard time again, talk to one of my guards. They'll call the human resources from my staff and find you a new job in case you need one."

The maid beamed. "Thank you, sir. I'll be right back with your coffee."

Cordonian capitol, June 2021

Once the meeting with the Cordonian ambassador in US was over, Liam left his office and went straight to the Royal Apartment. Despite the tiredness, he could hardly wait to see his wife and daughter.

As he passed by the hallway, his wife's velvety voice reverberated on the walls as she sang a lullaby. Smiling to himself, Liam ambled towards the nursery and sang along with Jade in hopes to lull Elise to sleep.

"Are you some kind of baby whisperer?" Jade murmured as she slowly closed the door to the nursery. "I've been trying to make her sleep for at least half an hour, but the minute you swoop in, she falls asleep."

"She was half asleep when I walked in. You did most of the work yourself, my love."

Liam smiled, placing the baby monitor on the coffee table as his wife leaned in for a kiss.

"Did you just have coffee?"

"No, I had a cup over an hour ago."

"Really? Your lips taste amazing."

"I thought you had overcame caffeine abstinence."

"Ugh, don't remind me..." Jade grimaced, resting her head on his shoulder.

"The decaf isn't working, huh?"

"The maid you hired makes a mean cup of coffee, but the lack of caffeine is so tough. If Elise wasn't sensible to caffeine, I swear I'd fill our tub with coffee right now."

"I'm sorry, love. If you're sure about not switching to formula..." 

"I'm not going to stop nursing Elise just because I miss coffee. I can handle it." The queen affirmed resolute.

"If you say so..." Liam gazed at his wife in worry. Her fulltime dedication to Elise was admirable, yet he couldn't help but think how exhausting it must have been for her. "But perhaps we should reconsider taking care of Elise by ourselves. It'll be less tiresome for both of us now that I returned to work, don't you think?"

The queen made a face, but caved. "Alright... We're going to have to hire someone eventually. Do you still have the list of nurses Regina made?"

"Andrea sent a copy to my email."

"We'll take a look at it after dinner and see how it goes."

The couple was watching the baby monitor when their new maid walked in.

"Good evening, Your Majesties." The maid bowed to the king and queen. "Dinner is served."

"Oh, I'm starving! Your timing is impeccable, Gianna," Jade praised.

"I couldn't agree more. Thank you, Gianna."

The maid nodded in gratitude and left to the dining room.

"I'm so glad my husband stole you from the hotel you worked in Capri. The food smells amazing," Jade commented as they walked towards the dining room.

"Wait until you try her apple tea," Liam said with a smile.