#i wanted to make myself sad

[indie-summer]

unbelievable

for @cycleprompttuesday

prompt: lies

—

After almost a year, Tadej and Jonas meet again, this time in Florence.

It’s the eve of the first stage of the Tour de France. The teams presentation is loud, chaotic, fun. The air is buzzing around them with excitement from the fans, the journalists, the riders, the staff. It’s unplanned — and quite unlikely, considering the circumstances — but they still find themselves in a quiet corner behind a team bus. Not exactly alone, but not surrounded by a crowd, which in itself is almost unbelievable.

They assess each other for a second. Jonas’ hair is longer and Tadej has grown a mustache. Jonas’ eyes are still soft for Tadej and Tadej’s smile is still brighter around Jonas.

“It’s been forever, man,” Tadej says as a way of hello. He opens his arms, but Jonas goes for a fist bump and they chuckle awkwardly at themselves. They settle for a handshake and a pat on the back, and it feels like a compromise.

“Yeah, that’s the longest we’ve been without racing each other.”

“Oh, you’re right, I haven’t noticed.”

That is a lie. Since they became rivals, this has been the longest time they’ve spent without seeing each other, and Tadej definitely noticed.

One year ago, Tadej had his lips all over Jonas for what it felt like hours or just a few minutes. Jonas whispered sweet confessions in his ear, then proceeded to painfully list all the reasons why that could never happen again. The worst part was that Tadej agreed with all of them.

They never really talked about it, and now what’s left is small talk.

“Ready for another battle?” Jonas asks absentmindedly, looking around without meeting Tadej’s eyes.

“Sure, are you?”

Jonas finally looks straight at him and smiles. “Well, I don’t plan to make it easy for you.”

“I’ve been watching… you’re having the hell of a season so far, right?

“Yeah, it’s been a good couple of months.”

That’s a lie. All season long Jonas has been flying on the road, but never before he’d felt so shit about it.

It’s probably because he’s constantly aware that the price he paid for it was giving up Tadej, and everyday he wonders if it’s worth it. Most of the time, he thinks it’s not — but then there are those moments up the mountains or at finish lines, when everything is loud around him but somehow his mind is quiet, and he knows that, like a junkie, he can’t live without them.

“You’re not doing too bad either, are you now?” Jonas adds, playfully understating it. “I have to watch out for the Giro winner.”

“You can make it easier for yourself if you don’t sprint for mountain points,” Tadej suggests with a wink.

“Stop with the mind games,” Jonas tells him with a smile. “You know I won’t just let you have them.”

“You’re greedy and selfish,” Tadej complains mockingly, earning a laugh from Jonas.

“That’s on you,” Jonas says, with an amused gleam in his eyes. “When the best cyclist in the world calls you the best climber in the world, you kind of have to go for the polka dot jersey.”

Tadej grins. “Oh, you saw that interview.”

Jonas nods. “I’m sorry, I should’ve called you to say thanks.”

“Don’t worry, I didn’t expect you to.”

That’s a lie. If not well-thought, the interview was still a cry for attention, and the frustration at not getting any still stings.

For months after that fateful night, they kept talking, usually via text messages. The texts didn’t mean much — congratulations after Worlds, Vuelta and Lombardia; happy birthday wishes; pictures of bikes and landscapes; a photo of Tadej with a young fan who wore Jonas’ Jumbo jersey (I took it personally, Tadej joked); a short video of a goofy dog relentlessly chasing Jonas up a climb (She’s just like you, Jonas wrote). Still, the texting itself meant everything to Tadej. It meant Jonas was thinking about him, it meant he was not letting Tadej go.

Eventually, it came to an end.

But when Tadej recorded the shortest video ever to congratulate Jonas for a Danish prize he had never heard about, Jonas called.

The phone call was almost as short as the video. Thank you so much, Jonas said, to which Tadej replied, I meant every word, and that left Jonas without words for a few seconds. This is too hard, he finally muttered, then hung up.

Tadej was furious. He wanted to call Jonas back and yell at him for being such a coward. In the end, he was just as much of a coward, because despite his anger, he didn’t do anything.

After the interview, he still waited for a call that never came.

“You know why I didn’t, though,” Jonas murmurs, running his fingers through his own hair in what looked like a soothing gesture.

Men will do anything not to go to therapy, but that’s exactly what it took for Jonas to stop texting Tadej.

It was an act of self-care, he learned. All he needed was to stick to his decision and stop looking back. He knew he had his reasons — they had little to do with his sexuality, and everything to do with the fact that his job is to beat Tadej season after season. He has to discuss Merijn’s plans of cracking him, he has to come up with ideas to explore his weaknesses, he has to execute them on the road and watch what they do to Tadej. He can’t be sorry for his suffering, because that’s what it takes for him to win. He also knows he can never let his guard down, because it’s Tadej’s job to do the same.

He yearns for Tadej, but he doesn’t think he can be his executioner by day and his lover at night.

And yet. He can’t help but wonder.

Despite his better judgment, he now asks:

“Do you still think about it?”

Tadej doesn’t know how to answer the question without speaking the truth, and he doesn’t trust himself to do so without falling to his knees and begging Jonas to reconsider. So he doesn’t speak at all.

“It’s okay,” Jonas says with a sigh and a tired smile. He speaks more to himself than to Tadej when he adds: “We would never manage to make it work anyway.”

He believes his own words, but that is, obviously, a lie.

[beheworthy]

I love that Jane takes up the whole bed while sleeping, practically leaving no space for Thor:

But then when he is leaving and she wanted him beside her, she is all curled up on her side leaving his side completely open hoping against hope he comes back 🙃 :

[descaladumidera]

If Matt ever crosses the line, Frank would put him down. And I think the sad thing about this is that Matt would want him to.

[wasyago]

the brainrot won

[marstonandson]

van der linde gang headcanons just because

- kieran sleepwalks. whoever’s keeping watch is also in charge of making sure he doesn’t die

- on many separate occasions, tilly, karen, and mary-beth have all called grimshaw “mom” by accident. while they’re dying inside, susan has a smile for the rest of the day

- sean and lenny have a secret club for young men. only jack is invited to their meetings. no one knows what they talk about

- sadie takes molly out into the woods sometimes and they just scream together

- john only knows the ‘rip van winkle’ story because jack read it to him once

- bill and javier pretend they hate each other in front of everyone else but they gossip when no one is looking

- hosea gave dutch that white and red checkered bandana as a gift

- charles is the only person arthur will show his journal to

- abigail has punched most of the gang members at some point for various reasons

- whenever josiah visits he tries to bring a trinket for jack

- everyone actually loves pearson’s cooking, they just hate to admit it because he makes a big deal out of it

- when dutch praises micah, micah turns around and sticks his tongue out at arthur whenever dutch isn’t looking

[cirrusea]

POGTOPIA CHARGES!!!

Probably never going to finish this so here's the sketch. Happy 16th to the most epic dsmp battle :]

[priceofreedom]

#Elmyra approving of Zack makes me so happy 😭 FF7 Rebirth 20 / ?

[aramblingjay]

↳ bucky riding out to meet buck on the runway

[ftkestis]

Always to look life in the face and to know it for what it is. At last to know it. To love it for what it is, and then, to put it away. Always the years between us. Always the years. Always the love. Always the hours.

— Michael Cunningham, The Hours

[mixed media: collage + photoshop, by me]

[kindlythevoid]

I have read Fellowship of the Ring more times than I have cared to keep count and every time I read Boromir’s, well, possession for lack of a better word, I have read it in fear, in discomfort, in horror, indifferently.

This was, I think, the first time I read it in pity. I looked at all the plans Boromir was making, how he would save his beloved city, how obstinate he was in his belief that the men of Minas Tirith would not be corrupted when wielding the Ring against Sauron —and I felt sad. He’s waving his hands and hollering and part of him is desperate just for the Ring, of course he is, he’s been traveling beside it with no hope for months, but he’s also desperate for hope. He’s desperate for a chance to save his people, save his brother, save his city.

Moreover, every time he calls out the Elves or the Wizards, you have to remember that he doesn’t know them. All he knows is that he traveled almost a full year to get their advice and they send him on, in his eyes, a hopeless venture. The one hope they give him is Aragorn, who promises to return and help save Minas Tirith with him, but even that all changes once Gandalf dies. They come to Lothlorien and of course it’s a welcome break, but they cannot, or maybe in Boromir’s eyes will not, help his people. And once they leave, Aragorn assumes his role as leader of the Fellowship in Gandalf’s stead more permanently and suddenly even that one, brief, uncertain hope of his is gone. Aragorn will follow Frodo. And it’s almost certain that Frodo will not go to Minas Tirith.

So is it any wonder, really, that tired, desperate, hopeless Boromir, out of his realm, out of his depth, already hanging by a thread when he joins the Fellowship and having been gnawed on by the Ring for months upon months afterwards, finally snaps once it’s clear that he will have to return home empty-handed and almost certain that somewhere far away Sauron is capturing the Ring and killing the companions that he had bonded with? Of course part of the Ring is making him lust for power, but it’s also his only “reliable” (in his mind) source of hope left to save his city.

And so I read Boromir’s (intelligent and thought out, mind you) raving and I don’t feel scared for Frodo, not after reading it so many times and knowing what ultimately happens, but sorrow for Boromir.

[deoidesign]

important distinction.

Testing a few different things with this one

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

Lights out! Poppy: Ahh I had such a refreshing na- Why is Sally glowing?

LMFAO YEAH. pretty much how it goes...

[exhaustedalien]

he's so silly ?

[dreagine]

Aroace ink sans I love you…………….

[aroace-poly-show]

sadness siffrin doodling

[noname-404s-blog]

Dear me, you can do it ❤️‍🩹