#i was googling and they're like love isn't an emotion and i'm like WHAT

[marredmusings]

DENY PART TWO

ok i think i might make a series about my jj x reader x pope fic

also kind of dedicated to @starfxkr bc their blog gets me through the jj pope drought that is on tumblr (if you don't wanna be tagged i'll totally delete but i luv you even tho i don't know you

this isn't technically a part two but it's inspired by my previous fic deny

i'm hoping to maybe fully flesh out a whole mini story about them bc i love jj and pope so bad and i wanna kiss them both and have them kiss each other.

please send me prompts or if you have any ideas or you just wanna gush about jj and pope 💜

i'm a cancer, ok

you've always felt your emotions more deeply than others. you have a lot of feelings and it's not uncommon for you to start tearing up at random times throughout the day when you see something that elicits a strong feeling from you.

kie says it's because you're a cancer and while she's so true because you are the stereotypical emotional water sign, you're not sure how much of your mental state is because of your astrological sign or if you're genuinely a few screws loose in the head.

you remember hiccuping and sobbing into jjs shirt for the better part of half an hour- staining his sleeveless tee with your tears all because you saw a seagull missing a foot and he seemed to be running slower than his other seagull friends. your only relief from the obvious heartbreaking situation was jj softly murmuring comforting words in your ear, his strong arms around circled around your waist, your body snuggled onto his lap. the scene isn't uncommon for the pogues to see. the two of you have always been more affectionate than most.

all of this leads you to where you are now, curled up on your bed sobbing. soft sad music playing in the background making you sob even more. you put on a brave face with your friends but in the sanctuary of your own bed is where you can finally let your feelings free.

seeing pope and jj kiss hurt you more than you originally thought. your mind keeps replaying the scene of the two boys kiss, their lips moving together sensually, saliva being shared. you're sure that if you hadn't interrupted them, the kiss would lead to something more and involving less clothes.

hey google, play "that should be me" by justin bieber.

what if when they start dating they drop you? what if pope isn't comfortable with how touchy or affectionate you are with jj and he stops your cuddles or what if jj doesn't want you to hang out alone with pope because he knows you two kissed. what if they stop needing you because they have each other?

the thought makes a sob crawl up your throat and fat tears roll down your cheeks. you feel like your head is going to explode from how hard your crying. you need them like air, you felt like that even before you and pope kissed and before you realized you're in love with jj. you need them because they're your closest friends- they're the family you so desperately crave because your own doesn't care much for you and you're so scared if they start dating each other then they won't need you.

it's why you give out your love so freely, the feeling of being needed by people is something that is so deeply and inherently buried in your bones. when someone needs you and you can help them, it feels euphoric. a psychologist would probably have a field day with you because if you're not needed, what good are you?

----

"i'm really confused after our kiss" pope mumbles, nervous to look at jj in the eyes.

"good or bad confused" jj responds.

"is there such thing as good confusion?" pope asks, eyebrows furrowed and lips pursed. "i didn't think i was gay or bi or whatever and yeah i think some dudes are hot but like i've never wanted to kiss them but i wanted to kiss you!! and then we kissed and it was like... nice but different and i couldn't help but think about gracie and how she and i kissed and how good that also felt and then i felt guilty and-"

"pope, take a breath" the maybank boy utters, effectively cutting off popes rambles.

"i liked kissing you pope. i never let myself be attracted to dudes but it's you, ya know?" jj continues.

"but i also understand wanting to kiss grace. i... well i want to kiss her too." he finally confesses. he's never said his feelings for his grace out loud before.

pope gently stumbles over to where the maybank boy is perched on his bed, he leans in to grab jjs fidgeting hands, grasping them in what he hopes is a comforting hold.

he leans forward so he can give jj a small peck on the cheek. reassuring him that they're ok, that they'll make it through whatever turmoil they're feeling right now.

jj grabs popes face and brings him in for a deeper kiss, lips and tongues touching. it makes jjs stomach burn with desire. after several minutes or maybe hours of kissing, he's not sure, pope reaches up and pulls on jjs soft blond tresses, tugging on the boys hair a little to pull him away from popes lips. they both let out little gasps when they disconnect.

"have you heard of polyamory?" pope asks jj... a shit eating grin on his lips.

---

giggling and kicking my feet. i love them 💜

[sivvan]

@userdramas event 10: emotions

↳ seventeen songs + emotions

[inkskinned]

before you know about women, you hear that you do not need to love the man, just that you need to love him through his manhood. which is to say you have seen the future painted in lamb's blood over your eyes - how your mother shoots you a look about your father's inability to cook right. how your aunt holds her wineglass and says i'm gonna kill em. men, right! how your best friend bickers with her boyfriend, how she says i can't help it. i come back to him.

you learn: men are gonna cheat. men aren't going to listen when you're talking, because you're nagging. men think emotions are stupid. they think your life is vapid and your hobbies are embarrassing. men will slam things, but that's because men are allowed to be angry. if you get loud, you're hysterical. if a man gets loud - well, men are animals, men are dogs, men can't control their hands or their eyes or their bodies. they're going to make a snide comment about you in the locker room, about your body, about how you're so fucking annoying. you're going to give him kids, and he will give you the money for the kids, and you're going to be running the house 24/7 - but he gets to relax after a long day, because his job is stressful. the man is on stage, and is a comedian, and says "women!"

and you are supposed to love that. you are supposed to love men through how horrible they are to you - because that's what women do. that's what good women do. wife material. your father even told you once - it'll make sense when you're older. it was like staring down a very lonely tunnel.

it feels like something's caught in your throat, but it's all you know, so. it's okay that you see sex as a necessary tool, a sort of okay-enough ritual to keep him happy, even though he doesn't seem to care about happiness as-applied-to you. it is relationship upkeep. it is kissing him and smiling even though he didn't brush his teeth. it is getting on your knees and looking up and holding back a sigh because he barely holds you as you panic through the night. it's not like the sex is bad and you do like feeling wanted. and besides! he's a man! like... they're another species. you'll never be able to actually communicate, right. he isn't listening.

you just don't get it. you don't feel that sense of i'm gonna climb him like a tree. mostly it just feels fucking exhausting. you play the part perfectly. you smile and nod and are "effortlessly" charming. and it's fine! it's alright! you even love him, if you're looking. you could have good life, and a good family, and perfectly happy.

in the late night you google: am i broken. you google i'm not attracted to my husband. you google i get turned on by books but not by him. you google how to get better in bed.

the first time he yells at you, it almost feels like blankness. like - of course this is happening. this is always how it was going to end up. men get angry, and they yell, and you sit there in silence.

you mention it to your friend - just the once - while you're drunk. she shrugs and says it's like that with me too, i just try to forget and move on. men are always gonna hear what they want to. pick your battles and say sorry even though he's in the wrong. you play solitaire online for a month. you go to your therapist appointment and preach about how you're both so in love.

after all, you have a future to want. nobody lied about it - how many instagram posts say marriage is hard. say real love takes work. say we fight like cats and dogs but the best part is that we always make up. how many of your friends say happy anniversary to the best and worst thing to ever happen to me. if you really loved him - loved yourself too - you'd accept that men are just different from you.

the first time she kisses you, it's on a dare at a party. something large and terrifying whips through your body. you wake up sweating from dreams where her mouth is encrusted with pearls and you pick them off one by one with your teeth. fuck. you sit at the computer and your almost-finished game of sim city. you think about your potential perfect life and your potential future family. you google am i gay quiz with your little hands shaking.

you delete each letter slowly. you don't need to love him. you just need to keep going.

[the-cat-and-the-birdie]

Also don't think anyone has said this (thats a joke) but like, art styles aside:

The animation, expressions, movement, everything of ATSV is IMPECCABLE.

Like insanely, ridiculously, almost mind bogglingly good.

[This is a MEDIUM length post]

The main strength is the Emotion -

In terms of animation, the range of emotions Miguel is capable of expressing is like... crazy good. Gwen's emotions ARE UNSPEAKABLY IMPRESSIVE.

LIKE...ANIMATING HER FUCKING BREATHING???? AND BLINKS!! AS AN EMOTIONAL CUE. HELLO???!!

And the movie hinges on this - almost every scene has an emotional cue that HAS to hit. Whether is Jess's looks of hesitation or Peter B.'s looks of horror.

And this may seem like the most ridiculous comparison ever made but like...

The Bee Movie and Across the Spider-Verse came out FIFTEEN YEARS APART.

THE BEE MOVIE...THIS MONSTRASITY that has plagued humankind - was made less than two decades from THIS:

The fact that we progressed that far as a society (pun intended) in that short of a time will never not baffle me.

I genuinely cannot name any other animated movie that:

Has multiple styles throughout the duration

Can seamlessly change styles without the viewer immediately noticing (like Gwen returning to her universe)

Show two or more animation styles on screen at the same time (and no, Roger Rabbit and Space Jam don't count - that's half live action lol)

Just off the top of my head - ATSV shows up to three styles in one scene: I'm mainly thinking of the scene that shows Hobie (customized - style 1), Peter B. (standard - style 2), and Miguel (a light stylized - style 3).

It can be brought to four if you want to count Miles/Gwen, though their style isn't visible.

I can think of a couple scenes that genuinely blew me away in terms of animation -

One being Rio's 'What-EVER?!' because of the little stance correction and head bob she does, because it's such a natural thing to do. And it adds so much to an already perfect line.

It's something someone would genuinely do IRL without even noticing.

Another I LOVE is Pavitr and Hobie roughhousing.

Like, I can't yell about these five seconds of animation more.

It's SO fluid it looks like Motion-Capture and I left the theatre googling is any Mo-Cap was used in the movie (and from what I can tell - no, it's all original animation).

The way Pavitr falls to the side and bumps them - This not only being a natural reaction to Hobie and his weight, but it also LOOKS natural. So much so you can see it affect Hobie's model too. The movement has kinetic energy on both models -

Which is AMAZING CONSIDERING THEY'RE ANIMATED ON LIKE FOUR DIFFERENT TIMES.

In this shot alone, there's the guitar, vest, AND Hobie, all of which have their own animation rules. Plus the outline on his guitar AND him. And then there PAVI too, who's running at a higher frame rate, touching and interacting with Hobie.

So much so that Hobie's model nearly wraps himself around Pavi. Pavi's hair is moving, Hobie's guitar is moving, there's movement in the background - and it looks GREAT.

PLUS THE CAMERA IS MOVING AND GOSTLING. IT'S NOT A STATIC SHOT. The models and camera are moving AS IF THEY'RE REAL when they're not.

That's - My..I CAN EVEN COMPUTE THAT.

But by far, I think the range of expression used on Miguel is like... Chef's kiss.

(of course I was gonna trick you into reading another post about Miguel. Uh-huh that's what's about to happen)

Like... are you kidding me?

NAH DEADASS ARE YOU KIDDING ME?????

The whole later half of the movie hinges on Miguel looking buckwild crazy insane and they NAIL that. And like-

Oh my god what the actual fuck

?????????????????????????? I........ I have nothing to add. After that picture......Nah... LMAOOO

(left: actual photo of Moche watching this happen)

But Anyway chile, This movie is like.. genuinely a modern marvel.

If Marvel gave Tim Gunn 4 billion dollars and five years, whatever live-action rendition he would have made would not even compare to ATSV on any conceivable level - that's how good it is so jot that down.

And like...don't even get me started on Hobie..his design..his representation...girl I will start crying in this Arby's do not play with me

I just felt that needed to be said.

you get what I'm saying yall know what I mean iight coo

Here's a picture of Hobie to cleanse your palette.

Bye.

[just-j-really]

While I'm on the subject of Dreamling-does-tropes-wrong:

Hanahaki au where Hob's the one with hanahaki. Because I think however you set it up Hob refuses to play by the rules of the genre and the potential there is like catnip to me.

"The cure is confessing your love" variant? Hob's just like "Well fuck this actually" and tells Dream he loves him the moment he starts coughing up flowers. And there's so much potential there!

-Poor Hob tries to confess to Dream every time they interact and something keeps getting in his way- he falls in love in 1689, in 1789 they get interrupted, in 1889 he gets halfway through a confession and Dream YOU DAREs him, in 1989 he gets stood up. In 2022 Dream shows up at his table in the New Inn and Hob just blurts out "I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU" before Dream has the chance to actually say anything.

-Modern day, post-reunion, Dream doesn't want to intrude on Hob's life but he does want to see him more so he decides to go for the totally rational move of using his Dream-powers to spy on Hob- which means he gets a front-row seat to Hob slowly succumbing to hanahaki the second their meeting ends. All of Hob's friends/coworkers/acquaintances are REAL worried for him, but he's just like "it's seriously nbd I'll just tell him next time I see him." Dream is also REAL worried while spying from afar, but eventually goes to Hob in person to beg him to confess to whoever he's in love with. (Could be very serious and emotional, could play like that one "just tell them you love them" "alright. hey, I love you." "yes, like that!" meme.)

-Hob blurts out a love confession at... literally any of their canonical meetings, and the rest of the fic is dealing with the fallout. I think the simplest way to do this is 1889, with the confession standing in for "I think you're lonely." I think the most interesting way to do this is 1489, because so much would change. I think the FUNNIEST way to do this is 1589, yes Hob is still married.

But then you can also do the "the cure is having your love requited" variant, where Hob suffers through several centuries with an incurable lung disease. One of his most treasured dreams is that someone will come up with a cure (but for Plot reasons it keeps just not happening, like someone does come up with a cure but the side effects just aren't worth it if you can technically survive having flowers in your lungs. And/or he's never found a doctor he trusted not to freak out if he died and came back on the operating table).

And then you've got options such as:

-Dream falls in love in 1689, and either they start up a relationship right then, or they spend several centuries where Hob thinks they're in a relationship (his feelings were returned, of course they are!) and Dream thinks he's pining hopelessly for Hob, who could never love him

-Dream Does Not realize that Hob is in love with him (and in fact thinks Hob just keeps getting hanahaki, over and over, for different people, and wonders why Death saddled him with the world's Messiest human). And then he falls in love with Hob.

-Dream DOES realize Hob is in love with him. Unfortunately, he falls in love with Hob (or more realizes that what he was feeling WAS love) while fishbowled. Fortunately, Hob notices the lack of flowers, gets worried about what that means (because if his Stranger returns his feelings then why isn't he here? the flowers can't be gone because he's dead, Hob refuses to believe it). Cue a fishbowl rescue!

-Dream falls in love with Hob post-fishbowl, but is in denial about his ow feelings and assumes Hob found a workable cure sometime while he was fishbowled, or got over him. He's VERY SAD about this and can't figure out why. Hob is busy googling 'how to ask out a guy who i empirically know likes me back but only looks at me mournfully when i try to flirt'

Like I want to write this fic so bad but there are so many directions i want to go with it...

[for-a-longlongtime]

On Dieter, Goya's Black Paintings, and Pedro on Talk Art 

Alright y'all, it's Saturday evening, I have nothing better to do (I actually do but I don't feel like it), so welcome to my mini TED Talk about 'how to pay too much fucking attention to the Pedro cinematic universe'. None of this is new, and maybe everybody already knew about this, but I didn't... so here's a nerdy tangent courtesy of googling/wikipedia-ing.

I was reading a Dieter!fic (this one right here by @chaoticgeminate - go read her writing!) earlier today, which refers to the 'Saturn Devouring His Son' painting - that giant mural Dieter is working on in The Bubble:

(his brush isn't even touching the wall tho, ha)

The original 'Saturn' by Goya

The fic mentioned its part of 'The Black Paintings', so I got curious and started googling. I'm no art major or expert, so please allow me to just paraphraze the Wikipedia page. 'Saturn' is part of a group of 14 Goya paintings that are called Pinturas Negras/The Black Paintings. They "portray intense, haunting themes, reflective of both his fear of insanity and his bleak outlook on humanity" --this was late in Goya's life, and was connected to several illnesses he had experienced (and the fear of relapsing) and political turmoil in Spain at the time (post-Napolean war, changing Spanish government, etc.

Trivia fact 1: Goya actually made these paintings right on the walls of the Quinta del Sordo (so-called Deaf Man's villa) where he was staying -- so I love that Apatow had Dieter also paint right on the walls.

Trivia fact 2: while Goya was living in this villa, he actually became gravely ill (again) - not by a pandemic obviously, but it's hard to not link that loosely to the COVID period. He had never intended for these 'Black Paintings' to become public; "these paintings are as close to being hermetically private as any that have ever been produced in the history of Western art" (the murals were eventually transfered to canvas by other folks once he had moved out of the villa). Switching back to The Bubble -- I love how the tragic influence of Goya's illness(es) and art/things 'made at home away from the world, not intended for an audience' (so obviously, in a bubble) has that connection to the COVID experience and how many folks were suddenly homebound, along with the burden of illness in many ways (lord knows this all did a serious number on our mental health). In the movie, Dieter and the others do not want to go into isolation again, but that solitude is what eventually led him to painting on the walls in his room. This is not a 'grand discovery' of any kind, but I got a kick out of the parellels once I read up on it - and honestly makes me appreciate the movie a bit more, haha.

Not happy about another quarantine period.

Alright, more hyperfocusing after the cut:

Some googling led me to a post from last year by @nicolethered (gifs in this post are hers), and she included screencaps of the walls of Dieter's room (during that drug scene), which I hadn't even noticed while watching the movie. Upon taking a closer look, I noticed they're outtakes from other pieces of Goya's Black Paintings! I thought that was really cool, they sure worked on the details with that set (there's one more that's shown in a different shot but I can't exactly figure out which outtake that is):

First one is a mirror image from Two Old Men Eating Soup and the second one is basically Satan aka 'The Great He-Goat' from the Witches' Sabbath painting. Which IMO makes for fucking hilarious perfection a.k.a. trivia fact 3 -- because we all know about Dieter and his little emotional support goat, LOL. Excellent connection.

*insert sound bit from Hot Ones interview* : "Just let me love you!"

Anywaaay there's more. The Bubble was shot during Feb 22, 2021 to April 16, 2021, right? Pedro has spoken about how his input in shaping Dieter was mostly regarding his outfits (the Crocs, the robe, etc). But then I suddenly remember the Talk Art interview he had done in 2018, and how he namechecks 'The Dog' by Goya - and lo, guess which painting is actually part of the 14 Black Paintings? Yeap - the dog! So I checked the podcast and he was asked, 'if you could be any painting, what painting would you be?' by Russell. Here is the painting, and below it is what he said on Talk Art:

'The Drowning Dog' by Goya

"I think… it's a Goya. Yeah, old school. I think it's called 'Dog Buried in Sand' or something like that. It's so… I remember feeling it was such a visual representation of helplessness, in such a… come on, let's all admit that helplessness is a very recurring feeling for many of us, you know what I mean? When it comes to so many things. I guess… I was in Spain, in Madrid, and I was 20. And I went to the Goya museum. What's interesting about it is that the head of the dog is really quite small and sort of adorable, it looks like a stray mutt, and the painting - if I can remember it correctly - is very rectangular. There's so much above him, like the world just seems so big. It's quite incredible, isn't it? I know it's really sad, and sort of dark, and maybe I really like enjoy perceiving myself like..." (He gets interrupted by Russell, and then continues;) "Yeah, he's certainly not dying, it's sort of - it's a moment", (then interrupts himself with;) "Maybe he's totally dying, there's no way that dog is getting out of that. That dog is SO fucked. Anyway, that's the painting that represents my life". (All three of them burst out into laughing.)

If you're still reading this - I am impressed with your dedication to my silly little post, haha. Anyway, I just thought it was so striking that there basically is a straight line from the painting he mentioned in Talk Art to what Dieter is painting in the Bubble. Makes me wonder if perhaps he - or even Russell/Robert - had any input in that part of Dieter's backstory.

Thank you for attending my TED Talk on artistic analysis of Dieter Bravo during COVID, we now resume your regularly scheduled program for Saturday night. 🤪

(Have I been smoking because a local dispensary actually had 'Mando' bud? I sure as fuck have and I blame that for this post.)

[nerves-nebula]

Do you have any loveless/heartless characters? I think they're real neat <3

this post got superrr long lol. im avoiding my homework <3

so this is a complicated ask for me because my definition of "love" is intentionally different from a lot of more mainstream conceptions of it. love isn't a feeling to me, it's something you DO for people you care about, right? you make someone feel loved by doing things that show you care. you putting in that effort and correcting your behavior for their sake is love.

so in that way i don't consider any of my characters loveless. because to me Love is something you chose to do so nobody can really be loveless inherently, they're just choosing not to act loving towards someone.

HOWEVER, from what i've gleamed from a quick google search about loveless aros, it doesn't necessarily seem that being loveless is exclusive to my definition of love?

like, i'm seeing loveless aros talk about not having those kinds of feelings or doubting/opting out of western ideas of love that don't fit them. some talk about not forming that kind of "deep emotional bond" though I'm confused if they mean like.. in general, or just romantically. cuz i've never had a deep romantic bond but i've never really considered that an indictment of Love Itself so much as a type of love that I'm just not a part of.

some people are describing it as specifically romantic love that they know they can't feel. but then again some people are just using it to mean they reject "love" as a label for their emotions/experiences, so like. idk.

it feels like im on the exact same page as a lot of these people it's just that their conclusion was to throw out the word love and mine was to not accept the premise that romantic love is the highest or most important kind of love and focus on, like, other forms of love that are important to me. like my siblings and friends.

soooo i can't say any of them are loveless for sure, cuz i don't identify that way and i'm not sure i grok it yet.

HOWEVER,

I do have aromantic characters, if that's what you mean. though a lot of them are in weird psychosexual situations with each other (just cuz i dont wanna have sex doesnt mean its not fun for my characters to), though there's one or two healthy QPRs thrown in there.

tbh my understanding (or lack thereof) of romance seeps into all of my characters so even the ones who are supposedly in love are doing it with hints of aromanticism cuz like. i dont care what a crush is, yknow? there's only so far romantic tropes can take me before i tap out and just do my own thing.

but as for like canonically aro characters i've got Hondo & quinn, dotty, toasty, Thomas (you guys don't know Thomas yet lol she's a peach), Ezra and Pet (pet is a weird monster tho and Ezra is sort of dead so idk if that counts), Misha Mistaka, Pasiflora, and probably my new one, Benbeck.

I also consider Groe aroace but that's like, a whole thing. cuz Groe is mostly known for having been married to Maureno (one of my characters i explicitly consider allosexual, if not alloromantic) and their relationship takes front and center at every point sfsdf.

because even when i dont see it as romantic i LOVE to make characters lives intertwined and dependent on each other. due to my own personal issues. to be honest i dont think groe and maureno are "in love" i just think they're inextricable dependent on each other. i think their "romance" is an inherently aromantic one because it's not about romantic feelings its about their friendship and trust, which includes kissing and sex sometimes but isn't diminished when they don't do those things.

I don't think Groe feels romantic feelings but i get that two characters who ostensibly have their weird fucked up "romance" be the core thing going on in their life isn't exactly the aromantic rep that ppl are looking for. i mean, it is for ME, but not for everyone.

i guess im just not Good Aro rep tho, cuz im not interested in romance but i AM interested in finding a person who i know I can depend on for everything and share my life with, yknow? i want someone who i know will always be on my side.

and that looks the same to a lot of poeple as romance but the experience of it was way different. cuz i can be with them forever and never want to do more than kiss their forehead as a sign of affection and that'd be great for me, while i KNOW that's unthinkable for a lot of people.

but when writing my characters it's hard to really portray that internal difference. so i think ppl just assume it's romance, and like, that's fine i guess?

so like, groe and maureno fuck cuz it's fun and cuz they have unresolved issues but it's not crucial or even really important to their relationship- to the point that they care WAY more about who each other is hanging out with than who each other is having sex with.

but now i'm rambling about asexuality and stuff.. uhhh the point is YES i have aromantic characters NO I dont know if they're "loveless"

but if a character isn't aromantic or at least aspec that's probably cuz i made a concerted effort to think of them as such.

[gayshrug]

pit babe ep 5 thoughts

the priorities are shifting

needless to say, i was at the edge of my seat/swooning/angry throughout the entirety of this week's episode. here we go

ALANJEFF. SCREAM. i'm pretty sure i have side-couple-syndrome judging by how fixated i am on them and every single second of screentime they get. jeff's wet boba eyes...... alan's stern but caring face....... unrelated but i checked the actors' profiles on MDL and a) jeff's my age. hello, fellow 95er. b) who would've fucking thought they only have an age difference of two years c) impeccable casting

wait. the way jeff was fully expecting alan to side with him because he's already grown to trust alan in this unfamiliar place... and his trust is NOT misplaced. as a fellow introverted person, alan's concerns are spot-on. how can you expect other people to understand you and know your motives when you're that closed-off? it was a painful read but mostly justified. and we know (thanks to that wonderful preview) that alan's gonna do his best to get jeff to open up away from the pressure of The Workplace and prying eyes. he's gonna put in the effort. i love them sooooo much

also that toyota product placement was the funniest thing i've ever seen like i wanted to feel sad for jeff so badly but. it was undercut by the effective showcasing of the google maps bluetooth function

I STILL FEEL SO CONFLICTED ABOUT CHARLIE!!!!!!!!!! like i'm 99% sure that he genuinely cares about babe and isn't just pampering him in order to get that racing gig or whatever but. @ the showrunners PLEASE give us more insight into his motives. i can't enjoy half the sweet things he says and does when i don't know whether they're genuine or not.

that being said.............................. babe is SO in love. and who wouldn't be. charlie's little face, his determination to care for him, the attention he gives him. that whole pre-race-nerves scene was the cutest thing in the world. and pavel's In Love look is so fucking heartwarming. HIS ACTING IN THE FLASHBACK TOO. the little "eep" when he first started the motor. i am in love with him. he's so so sweet. i love that his hardened exterior is beginning to melt away more and more, despite the potential for further hurt. pavel's gonna EAT in future emotional scenes.

i want tony to eat dirt. and SOON. the way he treated cutie was abysmal. the scars and despair. wet and pathetic looking at himself in the mirror. i hope he and kim are going to bond soon and take that man DOWN. (i'm rooting for a death here.)

ik we're gonna get peteway but i didn't get anything from that first interaction. here's to hoping way's gonna realise he's gotta start focusing on other people soon because he continues to get on my nerves.

still don't care for sonic and the other guy like. cut their dialogue and give me more jeff. cut winner out too. JEFF. ALAN. JEFFALAN. more charliebabe forehead kisses. give me it.

idk what dean's gonna do but him getting punched by alan of all people........ dude must really, really fuck up in the next episode. can't wait. this is obviously gonna lead to him switching to red racing and colluding (touching tips) with winner, which i'm less excited about, but we'll see.

i love the whole "babe is probably gonna sit out the season we're so done he needs to recover let's get a replacement to support way asap" thing.... and then charlie and dean have to compete against babe. like girl..... isn't he supposed to rest fhskdjf

once again i'm avoiding book spoilers like the plague so i don't fucking know what's going on with babe's powers but uh. if this turns out to be a permanent thing, i doubt it's just from the accident.

on the other hand, i love that babe (with charlie's help) seems to be adjusting quite well. after the initial frustration after the crash, he didn't have another outburst while charlie was caring for him. he, like, accepted his circumstances and put his energy into helping his baby achieve his dream and. that's cute as hell.

that whole "but what are you gonna give me if i win wink wink" moment..... the fucking tension. HIS PUSSY. you're gonna get his pussy, charlie

ik we're not even halfway through the season but. PLEASE. tell me what charlie and jeff's plan is because, aside from the ominous phonecall in ep 1, i really don't get the vibe that they're doing anything malicious. and if their plan is to take down tony, how would they accomplish that when the xhunter team is basically imploding. partially due to their meddling/ unclear communication. WHAT IS THEIR PLAN. if they wanna build a secret society of Tony's Rejected Adopted Sons, they're gonna have to put in some real work. because those bonds are rotting.

ok i'm done. once more: i fucking love this show and it's getting more and more difficult to wait for each next episode. i wanna watch it all NOW. also [foaming at the mouth] alanjeff

[sunshinediaz]

20 questions for fic writers

i was tagged by @callmenewbie, @hippolotamus, @watchyourbuck, @thewolvesof1998, @jesuisici33, @wikiangela, and @exhuastedpigeon 🫶🏼

i'm gonna put it under a cut because phew it got kinda long

how many works do you have on ao3?

31

what's your total ao3 word count?

uh, 301,903 which... goddamn look at me go

what fandoms do you write for?

i've written for stucky, geraskier, yenskier, steddie, and buddie, but it's only buddie right now. those 2 losers are really rotting in my whole brain and i'm loving every second of it 🤭

what are your top 5 fics by kudos?

(i cheated and used only buddie okay) the side effects of eating too many clementines at 759 the dinosaurs smelled magnolias at 722 this is why you shouldn't piss in the ocean at 668 you'll feel the rush of it all at 511 all things bright and beautiful at 453

do you respond to comments? why or why not?

i absolutely respond to comments! it might take me a while because i'm not articulate enough to convey how much i adore everybody, but i love talking with people that enjoy the silly goofy stuff i write!

what is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

burned on the pyre, a steddie timeloop fic. the ending isn't exactly angsty, but it isn't as joyous as all my others because it was important to me to keep it as realistic as i could + it reflects my mental state so, uh, oops

what's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

mm, i think you can argue all my fics have happy endings but if you go down in the woods today has the FUNNIEST ending and that's important

do you get hate on fics?

yeah lmao

do you write smut? if so, what kind?

yes i do! and, um, the explicit kind? i don't know how to answer this because my porn varies for each fic but they fuck nasty regardless!

do you write crossovers? what's the craziest one you've written?

no. that's not for me.

have you ever had a fic stolen?

absolutely i have <3

have you ever had a fic translated?

i have not!

have you ever co-written a fic before?

nope. i tried once when i was younger but it didn't work out because i'm a dickhead and found that i was not only writing my parts but fixing theirs as well.

what's your all time favorite ship?

i've had a lot of ships over the year and i'm never going to forget any of them, ever, but buddie gives me so much joy and good times and i think... yeah they're probably my favorite ship

what's a wip you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

none of them honestly? i'm going to finish all of them.

what are your writing strengths?

uh, dialogue. maybe.

what are your writing weaknesses?

angst, emotions, porn, things that make sense, action, romantic relationships, ANGST.

thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

god, so i'm pretentious and while i know some spanish i'm definitely not fluent but i refuse to use google translate so a friend of mine helps me with translating as straight across as we can—so like, long story short, it's a yes from me

first fandom you wrote for?

maximum ride on ff dot net 💀 why was i 12 years old learning how to navigate that fuckin site my god

favorite fic you've written?

but i've got my teeth in you, a bad things happen fic where buck gets a tooth knocked out during the lafd annual baseball game and somehow proposes to eddie, who of course says yes. it's just so FUN?

i'm no pressure tagging @honestlydarkprincess, @shitouttabuck, @giddyupbuck, @callaplums, @daffi-990, @try-set-me-on-fire, @eddiebabygirldiaz, @eddiediaztho, @nmcggg, and honestly anybody else who wants to be a lil chatty mwah

[idololivine]

eiden for the ask meme?

First impression

I had zero expectations going into the game. Didn't even know what characters there were. And then they hit me with one of the most charming protagonists I've ever seen, and I was hooked.

Impression now

Same positive sentiment, but deeper! He's funny and sweet. He means well but fucks up sometimes. He's kind of a judgy bitch but so am I, and he reigns it in for the things his loved ones really care about. He has layers upon layers of abandonment issues. He was (is?) hypersexual in a way that was getting him into a lot of danger and now sex is his way of deepening his connections and healing. Protagonist of all time.

Favorite moment

There's this moment in FG Olivine's R4 where Eiden says he's going to "pop this prayer crystal's cherry" and it's the most insane way to phrase that sentence. Olivine doesn't even acknowledge it. It's so fucking funny.

Idea for a story

There's that t4t top Eiden/bottom Quincy fic I mentioned before...

Also in my long running omegaverse AU, Eiden's original world didn't have a/b/o dynamics and so he's none of the above. Doesn't have pheromones, can't smell pheromones, etc. So in a world of Magical Boysmells that he can't smell... Garu's is the only one he can, because Garu's is due to him being a wolf yokai and not because of omegaverse. I also don't know what would actually happen in the fic though.

Unpopular opinion

bottom Eiden isn't superior and I'm tired of being told otherwise. embrace switch Eiden or die by my hand

no your blorbo is not uniquely deserving of a monogamous romantic relationship with Eiden please google polyamory for me. when you're ready you can also look up relationship anarchy but I know that might be too complicated to understand so no pressure

Favorite relationship

I knooooow I disqualified Olivine before but I disqualified Eiden at the same time for them both being cop out answers. So that means I'm allowed to answer them for each other. That's how this works

Anyway, EiOli. They have this dynamic that's incredibly sweet and affirming and supportive, but crucially - for my arospec ass - it doesn't read like a romance novel. Like, for a lot of the other guys it's very "they're so IN LOVE it's so ROMANTIC they are ROMANTICALLY IN LOVE don't you feel ROMANCED." Romance is an inaccessible emotion to me and if you keep shoving La Romance TM in my face I'll just tune out.

Back to EiOli - they're affectionate and intimate, but in a way that reads more queerplatonic than romantic to me. They support each other, but aren't wholly dependent on each other; Olivine's healing depends mainly on himself, and Eiden has his own shit (mostly) on lock. Also they fuck NASTY. Olivine's h scenes really embody sugar and spice and everything nice.

Runner up though, if we're disqualifying Olivine anyway... EiGaru snuck up on me. I'm a sucker for "choosing to stay" type stuff (oh the arospec fantasy of someone choosing to stay even though I can't love them the "right" way). Though I can't quite wrap my head around EiKaru still, and they're a package deal. Shrugs.

Favorite headcanon

Do headcanons have to be canon compliant? Which understanding of headcanon are we using here...

Trans Eiden with phalloplasty. That's it, that's the headcanon

[okamirayne]

Rayne, last episode was awesome!! Just here to remind you that your work is loved by everyone! Shipps in fandom tend to have a person, yk, that internet usser that opens people's eyes and teaches them about a rarepair like its a master class. For me, you are that person. 💗💗 You've done a lot for the shikaneji community, I don't know a single person that ships them and doesn't know about you! You kinda inspired me to learn english years ago because I'd just straight up translate everything with the google translator extension 😂 It's been years since then, and now I read the btb series comfortably in its native language. And there's where I have to ask you something: To celebrate the new HHU's chapter, I'm rereading the whole BtB series. I'm currently in Requiem, but something it's been in my head making noise enough for me to come here and ask you! In Break to Breath, chapter 28, I think they're in Hanegakure and the boys did what hot traumatized boys do... However they're woken up next morning and it is said that Sikamaru tied up his hair with Neji's tie, what Neji did with his hair wasn't mentioned so I always thought that they used each other's ties from then on... Until the very end. Because during the war, Neji isn't using a hairtie, maybe he didn't want to lose it and he save it along Shikamaru's note.

It's never explicitly stated that they got their hairties back, so my favorite headcanon (having people creating headcanons over your fanfic? ur the GOAT) about BtB has allways been that Shikamaru didn't give Neji his hair tie back, and viceversa.

Like when you have a partner in real life and, well, you cannot make a public statement about being together o maybe you cannot see them everyday, so (if you have long hair) you give them your hair tie for them to use in their wrist or properly in their head.

To summarize, what are your thoughts on this? 👀

It's been a while since I last reread the series, so I don't remember this fact being brought up again, at least it wasn't ever mentioned again in Btb nor OtC. Hair ties are mentioned again, but not this. So I live in delulu and imagine them playing with the hairties when they feel lonely/sad. However if it indeed was, then I'm blind and I'm reallyyyy sorry you had to read this 😭

Again, I sincerely love you and the works put online, they're masterpieces and, knowing about the author's block you suffered these years, I hope you're not pressuring yourself on writing! I think we will always wait for you, wheter its BtB universe or your original works 💗

English it's not my first language so I'm sorry if you encouter trouble reading this! xoxo

Sweet Anon 💗💗

Please forgive me if I struggle to find the right words - always a challenge when I am hit so hard by the mega-feels that I'm reduced to a puddle of pure emotion...

There is so much I am thankful for in your beautiful message. The reassurance and kindness of welcoming me back onto the writing stage after such a crippling absence. The sweetness of your incredibly high praise and regard for my work, and the intense combination of humbleness and amazement, learning that you came into the BtB story via Google Translator and took a chance on a fic not in your native language. THANK YOU, for giving my mad story that opportunity, time, investment, and love. I am so touched that the fic gave you traction regarding learning English and that you can enjoy the fic in his native language. Thank you for crossing that language barrier to read my work...again, I'll never not be humbled by that...💗

Thank You for Every Single Word of Kindness and for the monumental love and support your message has contained. I'm so, so touched and so very thankful 💜❤️‍🩹🙏🏼

To celebrate the new HHU's chapter, I'm rereading the whole BtB series.

Aww! I sincerely hope you enjoy the ride once again, sweetie. 🙏🏼

Regarding your question about the hair ties!

[...]...and it is said that Sikamaru tied up his hair with Neji's tie, what Neji did with his hair wasn't mentioned so I always thought that they used each other's ties from then on... Until the very end. Because during the war, Neji isn't using a hairtie, maybe he didn't want to lose it and he save it along Shikamaru's note. [..] It's never explicitly stated that they got their hairties back, so my favorite headcanon (having people creating headcanons over your fanfic? ur the GOAT) about BtB has allways been that Shikamaru didn't give Neji his hair tie back, and viceversa.

Oh I do love where your headcanon has gone.

To summarize, what are your thoughts on this?

I can confidently say, it's a yes. Insofar as Neji allowing Shikamaru to keep his tie when Shikamaru's goes pinging off into the bowels of whatever place they're ravaging each other in...although, I won't lie and say there aren't a few instances where one or the other fight over the last hair tie...

Of course, said fight for the almighty hair tie is always instigated by Shikamaru absolutely refusing to be caught with his hair down, whereas Neji doesn't particularly care, unless he needs it tied back for practical reasons, in which case...may the best genius win. Good luck. 😂

So I live in delulu and imagine them playing with the hairties when they feel lonely/sad. However if it indeed was, then I'm blind and I'm reallyyyy sorry you had to read this 😭

OMG don't apologise! I loved reading this 💗. I'm so happy your mind plays in the BtB madness and again, there's truth to the hair tie sharing (Neji doing the sharing lol and Shikamaru the stealing)

Again, I sincerely love you and the works put online, they're masterpieces and, knowing about the author's block you suffered these years, I hope you're not pressuring yourself on writing! I think we will always wait for you, wheter its BtB universe or your original works 💗

I love and appreciate you in return, dear Anon. BtB would not have happened - would not STILL be happening, if not for the kindness of readers reaching out to share their thoughts, feelings, feedback etc. on the work. You make it possible for me to do it. And for all the words I could ever hope to possess, none of them will ever adequately describe or encompass the enormity of the gratitude, joy, healing, and love I feel hearing from you. 🥰

I honest to gods have no words when it comes to my Original Works and your interest in them...I am just an utterly melted heart, spilling all over the floor of emotion at this point....and I thank you for that beautiful mess and the peace, joy, inspiration, motivation, and reassurance it grants me...bless you, sweetheart. 🫶🏼

Thank you also for your compassion towards my burnout and for the reminder to not pressure myself. Coming with so much sincere love and support, it soothes that awful workaholic and over-thinking streak that has my brain on non-stop and constant insomniac spin. The simultaneous stillness and sky-high floaty feeling I get from your message is a beautiful little cocktail that chills me the hell out when I need it most...and I needed it today, whilst eyeing Chapter 9. 😉😅

English it's not my first language so I'm sorry if you encouter trouble reading this! xoxo

Holy heck, are you kidding me? *bows down in respect* If I tried to write in another language, I would butcher it so hard there'd be no recovering at all. You are fluent, my lovely - coherent and awesome. The only trouble I encountered reading your message was trying to keep my heart from detonating in my chest from the overload of feelings. 💜💜 I thank you for that. It beats the hella insane nerves that eat at me as I return to writing. There's so much heart and healing to be found in this message that I'm sincerely at a loss now....thank you, so, so much.

Huge, HUGE love coming at you from all sides, sweetheart. 🥰

[hatkuu]

taps my claws together... Did u know the typical structure of wolf packs out in the wild is a breeding pair and all of their pups (some leave as they enter sexual maturity [~2 years old, males more likely] to start their own packs, but a fair share stay and help raise the next litters of pups).

Anyway. Imagine a PC with the wolf tf mentioning/confessing this to Kylar and just how overjoyed Kylar might be by the fact... Esp if they got the wolf tf From said PC, but either way - to think!! That PC might want them as their mate (*surely* they do, to tell them this), to *breed* with them, to have a loving family like that... isn't it ideal? And of course, even if PC didn't tell them directly, it's not like Kylar can't do their own research <3...

OR wolf tf Kylar themself!! Scrawny little thing... Having found such a perfect mate, wanting so *badly* to have a family (pack) again after their parents got sick and Sydney stopped talking to them, so devoted and loving and wagging their tail rapidly as spend time together, helpless to stop it bc they're just so happy... (TRYING TO HIDE HOW MUCH THEIR TAIL WANTS TO WAG IN THEIR LOW LOVE STAGES BC THEYRE STILL SHY AROUND YOU......)

Just. Thinking so much about Kylar getting to be part of a pack honestly bc it's really sweet to me. Maybe throw Sydney in there for funsies (+ so they'd have more warm connections than just PC and any theoretical kids/pups) also... Honestly I just think it's cute to consider them getting what the want and it hit me a moment ago that would pack structures do kinda lend to that

(BONUS: SUPER LATE. BUT THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR REPLYING TO MY FOXBOY KYLAR ASK SO HEARTFULLY IT WAS ABSOLUTELY FUCKING DELIGHTFUL TO READ. BEAMS)

(i'm so glad you enjoyed my rambling!! reveal your blog to me right now. get off anon. i love seeing big asks in my inbox! they're always so fun to read and they make me feel like i've gotten a FREE COMMISSION AFHSKJK) (also i gravitated towards m! kylar for this ehe) wolf tf stuff and having babies with kylar stuff below

you confess anything about starting a family to this freak he loses it. gets himself so worked up that it's all he's been thinking about for a week straight. he starts mishearing things you say - he has to slap a hand over his mouth to stop himself from moaning out loud if you mention anything regarding his/your wolf tf.

also. kylar doing his own research is SOOOO true. this would happen with ANY tf that you have. looks up mating rituals, what ur tf finds most attractive in a mate (and replicates it horribly), and googles when ur mating season is. he's a freak. probably hyperfixates on your tf and blurts out fun (disgustingly degenerate) animal facts while you're hanging out with him. eg. "did you know wolves mate for life??? what do you look for in a mate, pc?? :)"

i feel like if he's the one with the tf, he's a lot whinier about his ruts. makes it out like he's bed-ridden and needs you to take care of him. please please please let him knot you! if you're the one going into heat/rut, he'd be all over you! doesn't want you leaving the orphanage/his room. look! you're presenting yourself to him as soon as he walks in! you can't possibly go out when you're acting like this!! it'd be unsafe!!

i think kylar obsessing over starting a pack with you is 100% accurate. he'd get so emotional and sappy over everything. probably cries with happiness after you let him knot you for the first time, just because he's thinking about the litter you'll have (yes. he refers to ur babies as a litter/pups. even if he's the one without the tf. sobbing.)

a pack with sydney would be ...something. poor sydney would turn into a glorified babysitter. so many little feral children running around and they're all clones of kylar. it is SHOCKING how virile his sperm is. with the amount of children kylar insists on the two of you having together, you'd think that some of them would look like you, but no. kylar taints the gene pool. they're all coming out with dark hair and freakish little green eyes. yeah. poor sydney.

[cypanache]

Hi! I recently read Patchwork Heart (like twice in two days) and I now have brainrot from that fic. (Which is to say that I loved it.) And I’m sad that it’s incomplete but I’m grateful that you wrote it, and all your other Parks and Rec fics. I remember reading a comment from you (from like 11 years ago lol) where you said you’d been writing for 14 years and you encouraged someone who was feeling bad about their own writing. Which gave me the motivation to keep writing, and made me think, how awesome must it be to be a fanfic writer for so long? This is a rambly comment to say that I’m glad you’re still writing (even if it’s not for Parks heh) and you’re a great inspiration!

(Also I’m aware this isn’t a question but I don’t really know how Tumblr works)

Well this ask officially made my year. (P.S. - Asks don't have to be questions. Especially when they're as lovely as this)

You know every once in a while I think, am I being totally ridiculous just leaving my live journal out there like that? Really, who's going out and reading stuff from over 11 years ago, except ... yeah I've totally done that myself. And I'm forever grateful for the authors who let their stuff just float along and exist. So I'm gratified to know that I did that for you today. And extremely gratified to know that I was able to give you a little motivation to keep writing. I have been doing this for over twenty years with varying levels of success and intensity as my life evolves, but I keep coming back to it, because really at the end of the day, fanfic is one of those hobbies that more than anything make me feel like me. When you find that, you owe it to yourself to hold onto it. Even if you can't do it perfectly or quickly.

I am not going to lie, I'm very sad Patchwork Heart is incomplete as well. That was an unfortunate product of life circumstances overwhelming me and by the time I paddled my way to the surface my emotional relationship with Parks had changed. But I am forever in love with the complete human disaster that was teenage Ben Wyatt in that fic.

Sooooo this isn't much, but this ask made me go back through my google docs. Here have part of a camping trip:

Griggs-Knope-Wyatt (Whatever) Family Vacation  

Hell – 375-369 days to go

Yeah, it’s official, Ben does not get camping.

At all.

Look he gave it a fair try.  But he just-  he doesn’t get it all right.  He doesn’t get what’s so fun about sleeping on the floor (”Ground,” Marlene informs him, “It’s called a ground when it’s outside, dear.") or getting so many mosquito bites, or having to make sure your food is put up in a certain way so raccoons won’t get to it.  And you know what he really doesn’t get?

Ghost stories.

He does not get ghost stories.  They’re not scary.  They’re particularly not scary if your dad is telling them.  And when your step-mom takes over and does manage to tell a scary one, well then you’re outside, in the dark . . . scared.

Oh and his tent collapses on him in the middle of the night.

Yup, okay.  Not.  Having.  Fun.

Ben just wishes he could convince himself that’s actually because of the camping.

Leslie’s been withdrawn and subdued for the past two days.  Not angry, just quiet.  He tried to talk to her yesterday morning like a dozen times, but the one time he got anywhere the fact he was trying to take the whole thing seriously only seemed to make it all worse.

He doesn’t know what to do for her.  Has the sneaking suspicion there’s actually nothing he can do.  Or at least nothing he’s willing to do.

So yeah, maybe he’s going to just lie here under the wreckage of what used to be his tent for a little while.

Except he can’t even seem to manage that, because the next thing he knows there’s the sound of footsteps and a flashlight is being shined into his eyes like an interrogation lamp.

“Benjamin?”

Ben holds up a hand to shield his eyes and squints up at the outline of his step-mother standing over him.  “Umm, hi?”

“Benjamin dear.  Your tent’s on the ground,” she informs him as though she’s not entirely sure he’s aware of this fact.  Sometimes he’s pretty sure his step-mother thinks he’s an idiot.      

“Yeah, so umm, funny story about that.  You know what it was, it-  it fell.”

The fact he always winds up saying stuff like that around her probably doesn’t help.

Marlene doesn’t respond for long moment, and even though he can’t see her face he can pretty much picture it.  It’s a face he’s pretty familiar with.  The one that says ‘I worry about your ability to dress yourself in the mornings’.

“I don’t-  I’ve never really camped,” he continues, unable to help himself.  Marlene’s silences are just about the most effective interrogation technique he’s ever encountered.  No wonder Leslie’s usually so talkative.

“I never would have guessed,” she shoots back, before adding, “Well, should I just leave the two of you alone or would you like some help putting it back up?”

“No- no, help would be good.”

There’s a long pause, then:  “Ben, dear.”

“Yeah?”

“You need to get out of the tent.”

“Oh.  Right.”

---

So in a surprising turn of events (at least in his opinion), Marlene actually turns out to be a pretty good teacher.  Like okay she isn’t the most patient person in the world, but she’s incredibly precise in her explanations of how to do things like tie a hitch-knot, and Ben’s always been more comfortable with precision over intuition, so it doesn’t take him too terribly long to catch on, and when she pats him lightly on the knee in approval, it feels like getting an A in your most demanding class from the teacher who scares the shit out of you.

All in all, Ben’s feeling kind of good about things by the time they get the tent back up, so when Marlene points out that it’s only an hour or so until sunrise and asks whether he wants to help her make coffee for breakfast, he says yes, thinking maybe things are looking up.  

Yeah, no, that was obviously just designed to lull him into a false sense of security.

“So,” Marlene opens without warning or preamble, “Leslie tells me I’m returning the Purdue sweatshirt.”

He barely manages not to tip over his cup of coffee. “Yeah, um, sorry about that.”

“Ben didn’t we talk about that? Um-”

“Is the sound in dumb.  Yeah I know.”

The look she gives him could level small countries.  Ben keeps his head down and tries not to have an aneurysm.

How does he get himself into these situations?  Really why is it sarcastic, smart-aleck things always come out of his mouth at exactly the wrong time.  It’s not like he’s trying to be a wise-ass.  He’s not really trying to be anything really.  (Except maybe invisible.  Invisible would be nice right now.)  But for some reason it happens anyway, and he can’t seem to stop it.  It’s like this leak, this crack in his personality.  Ninety-five percent of the time he manages to be exactly the kind of guy he should be, the kind he thinks Virginia Wyatt would have wanted him to be.  The kind of son his perpetually fragile father seems to need.  Quiet and polite and respectful.  But every once in awhile the pressure of keeping everything else in just gets to be too much and these little drops of acid seep through, landing where they’re not wanted and scarring once they’re there.

Except Marlene Griggs-Knope doesn’t scar that easily.

“Oh, sit up straight.  Really, Ben if you keep going through life acting like a spineless jellyfish, it won’t just be Leslie who treats you like one.”

“I don’t.” he mutters under his breath.

Only he says it to the picnic table so that probably undermines his whole protest.  He forces himself to sit up and look Marlene in the eye (Okay, it’s more like her forehead, but come on, cut him a little slack here.  Do you want to look Marlene in the eye?  Yeah, that’s what he thought.  Shut up.</i>)

“Leslie doesn’t-”

But he can’t make himself complete the thought, because . . . yeah, sometimes she kind of does.  And, shit, it’s Leslie’s mom, and Marlene’s giving him this look that clearly says ‘don’t bullshit me about my own daughter.’  Still, Leslie treats everyone like that, at least everyone important to her.  Ann gets, like, twenty-three instructions a day.  And, well, he likes it.  It’s been a really long time since anyone paid that much attention to anything he did.  It’s how he knows he’s important, that she cares.  If she ever stopped trying to micromanage his life, well then he’d just be another ordinary person on the outside, wouldn’t he?

He opens his mouth to try again, but Marlene waves his efforts away with a dismissive hand.  Oh good, apparently he’s now already used up whatever small amount patience she had allotted for him today, and it’s only, what?  Five-thirty in the morning?  This is probably some kind of new record for him.

Yaaaay . . .

At that moment from across the campsite, Leslie unzips her tent and steps out into the new dawn, only to freeze, eyes going wide, at the obviously unexpected sight of Ben sitting at the picnic table with her mother.

He tries to remember enough Morse code to blink her a S.O.S.

And any other morning it wouldn’t matter that he’s pretty sure he just looks like he’s having an epileptic fit, Leslie would have already come over and rescued him. 

Instead she just turns back around, grabs her towel and a bar soap out of the tent and trudges off to the shower facilities, leaving him alone with Marlene to fend for himself.

Okay, Leslie is officially really upset.

“She will get over it.”

At Marlene’s observation, Ben whips his head back around only to find himself pinned by his step-mother’s sharp assessing gaze.

It feels like all the oxygen just got sucked out of the . . . well, earth.

He opens his mouth to stammer out a disclaimer but only manages a strangled kind of gurgle, which Marlene, thankfully, ignores.

“Leslie is no stranger to disappointment.  She’s a very resilient girl.  Always has been.” She says it matter-of-factly and maybe even a little proudly, then immediately counterbalances it with a sigh of exasperation. “Realism, however, is unfortunately not your step-sister’s strong suit.  Particularly when it comes to people.”

Ben just presses his lips together and fiddles a little with his coffee cup, drumming his fingernails against the metal.  He’s not really sure why Marlene’s telling him all this.  Not that any of it is exactly revelation.  To know anything about Leslie is to know she puts too much faith in life in general and people in particular.

So no it’s not like he doesn’t realize Leslie’s been disappointed by people before—her father, Lindsay . . . And then suddenly it clicks with him, the why behind all of this.

People leave.

In Leslie’s world, people leave her.

For some reason he’s never thought about it before, about her history and the painful lessons life’s given her.  After all, he’s the one with the dead mother, the great tragedy that defined his entire fucking existence before he met her; that he wears like a poorly healed scar on his personality.  Leslie always seemed so untouched by comparison.

But she’s not.  He can see that now.

Because yeah, maybe his mother was ripped out his life.

But people walk out of hers.

By their own choice.

Of their own free will.

Ben drops his head to stare down at the film that’s started to form on his rapidly cooling coffee in shame as he realizes he’s been making plans to join them, to go off to college and then conscientiously extricate himself from her life, little by little, bit by bit, until he’s down to a subsistence diet.  To the bare-essentials of what he needs to survive.  Never once thinking about Leslie’s needs.

God, he is such an ass.

Marlene who has been silent for a little while, gets up to pour herself another cup of coffee, before coming over to sit back down and drop another bombshell on him.  “You know, sometimes I wonder if your father and I should have waited until after the two of you went to college to get married.”

Oh god. He feels a cold finger of dread crawl its way down his spine at her words, and suddenly all he can think is:  She knows.  She knows how he feels about her daughter, and he’s going to die.  Up here in all this outdoors, Marlene probably knows a dozen ways to kill him and make it look like an accident.  Maybe that’s why they’re camping in the first place.  Maybe this was her plan all along . . .

It’s about this time that the rest of what Marlene’s saying starts to sink in.  “—it’s not that we’re not happy you two get along so well.  After all, that’s the whole reason we decided to get married when we did.  Give all of us the chance to try to be a family.  But--” she purses her lips, and narrows her eyes, “Maybe we were a little too successful?”

And the terror’s back.  “Too successful?”

“Up until two days ago, all Leslie ever talked about was going to IU and being close to home.  She’s already learned the fight song.”  That makes him almost smile despite himself, because of course she has.  He bites the inside of his mouth just in time to stop it.  Marlene continues.  “And your father tells me you’ve been collecting brochures for out of state schools ever since the two of you moved to Indiana.  But suddenly here I am buying sweatshirts for Purdue.”

“I didn’t ask-”

Marlen waves his protest away.  “Of course you didn’t.”  Then in a seeming nonsequitor:  “Did you know Ann Perkins did Model UN all last year?”

-----

When I get a little more time I'll try to bullet point out for you where I was going.

[arcplaysgames]

the plant's plastic, isn't it

yeah the plant is plastic

can't a boy and his cat just have a fucking summer vacation without being locked in a dream panopticon

its nice to see you girl but where the fuck is igor, in my recollection when igor has not been around, shit has been Fucked.

(I assume they couldn't get the VA for this gig, but also: i love Igor? yeah.)

It's fucking Zuckerberg, Reverie, come on. You shouldn't have installed that spyware shit on your phone!!!!

i'm gonna be real, the textures are NOT fantastic in this game, lmao. I am gonna peek at settings later. the aliases need some more anti juice.

there's a statue there?????

/googles

oh huh i.......... never noticed that. i just noticed the pretty trees. whoops. i'm a bad tourist.

Rather than directing us where we need to go to get the camping shit, the shitty AI is like "hey INSTEAD I am going to direct you to an idol event nearby" this thing is atrocious and we should uninstall it and go back to mapquest

also, I have made an Executive Decision. I am resetting my emotions on Ryuji to zero. I am taking my hatred and ire and all the times he made me uncomfortable as the player of the video game, and I'm putting them all into a box and putting those emotions away. I am going to give Ryuji Persona5Strikers another shot to not be a contemptuous little shitheel I want to eject from the story.

Mostly because his voice actor is doing such good work and I would like to like Ryuji.

But if he dehumanizes or sidelines Morgana, the deal is off, okay? Okay.

ANYWAY, Ryuji is like, hyped for this instagram girl.

Reverie only hangs out in coffee shops that have oat milk and attends shows for bands you've never heard of, he doesn't care about influencers.

OH WOW OKAY

Alice Hiiragi.... Hiiragi......... why the fuck is that familiar..............

oh, Hiiragi was the Enka singer who was married to Namatame in Persona 4 before the scandal went down. I wonder if that's relevant or just a coincidence.

oh okay so something screwy is going on and she's going to, like, kidnap all the people who have cards, or something? is she the white rabbit?

lmao no she actually references the white rabbit later. okay. i DO like her theme and vibe a whole lot, even if she is giving heavy Acid Trip Pastel Tim Burton Bad Guy energy. But Wonderland is honestly a very cool foundation for a neat villain, so I'm cool with that.

thanks, they're fake so everyone thinks i'm a soft boy when really i'm more punk rock than iggy pop at a ramones concert. hi.

I appreciate the consistency, Morgana, lmao.

uh "Keyword"?????

oh my god EMMA is just a reskinned Metanav fffffff

YOU KNOW WHAT reverie i am blaming you for this. You should have informed Morgana that you had a dream in the Velvet Room, since Morgana literally was born there and it might've clued him in to "oh hey maybe shit is going down" instead of being blissfully oblivious in vakittycation mode like a chump.

huh the anime cutscenes look way better in this game than in P5R actually. dunno why.

BUT YEP IT SEEMS ALICE HAS A PALACE. the Cognitive World is back.

oh okay that seems bad. so everyone who friended Alice with the EMMAnav is getting their hearts torn out???? what does that mean exactly? it seems bad. people need their hearts or weird shit happens, either Apathy Syndrome or having their cognition rebooted like in P5.

I am Concerned.

oh my god what is Happening there is so much on my screen right now

i think i might be bad at this oh dear

the first move Reverie learns is a pole dance, though, so I'm pretty psyched for that. maybe this will be the game where Reverie finally gets to follow his dreams and wear a skirt.

everyone is off their game at being a Thief i see

me IRL out loud: oh my god i love you

WHAT A FUCKING LOOK THAT'S AMAZING

i am sad she is probably just the first arc villain because WOW i am DIGGING this. god that FLAMINGO HEAD STAFF this is such High Kitsch, it's giving me everything.

asklfjds;af /laughing hysterically to self

okay persona 5 strikers we are starting on some high notes huh

reverie are you sure you aren't dreaming, man, this feels like a dream you might've had except the person stepping on you in stilettos would be a mean boy.

maybe that's Reverie's type. bisexual but mean-attracted.

aaaaaargh my Odin is outta battery, i gotta recharge it.

BUT SO FAR besides me fucking sucking at the gameplay THIS IS A GOOD START.

[ashes-writing]

Is there any chance you can do a fluff Shane Walsh alphabet now so we have the set? Pleeease?

|| taglist, babes + req rules / fandoms&characters + send ?s + masterlist ||

I would absolutely love,love,love to do this and I'm here for matching sets, lets be real. It would've driven me nuts to not have both sides of the coin so thank you, thank you, thank you for sending me this!

warnings ;

I kind of delved into Shane's upbringing here and there so tw for shitty fathers / anger issues / drinking and hints of emotional abuse at the hands of a parent. It is v.v vague though, so hopefully, nobody's put off.

taglist ;

@beardedbarba @chieflawyerpastatoad @hotgirlsshareaccounts @krys-orion @icequeen1371 @moonileo are the only people on my Walking Dead masterlist. If you want to be added, pls click the link up top or let me know.

{ graphic by me with help from pinterest + google images. jsyk. }

A = Affection (How affectionate are they? How do they show affection?)

--- Shane is very affectionate, however... He's been through a lot in his life so it takes a while -a really long while, for that affection to show itself in more obvious ways. He sticks to smaller gestures. Maybe fond teasing, checking on a person to make sure they're doing the bare minimal to take care of themselves, lingering hugs and forehead kisses, ahhh.. Always has his arm around you when he's really starting to open up, that's one of the first tells.

B = Best friend (What would they be like as a best friend? How would the friendship start?)

--- Protective but with a side of realism. He will protect his best friends with his life. He'll help them out any way he can, but.. If you want a yes-man and not the blunt and honest truth, it's not advised to befriend this man, because if you're being fucking stupid, he's going to tell you that you're being fucking stupid and he won't mince words or be gentle about it either. He's also v. argumentative, stubborn and a bit of a practical joker. The argumentative and stubborn parts are the ones you need to know about the most, however. Because he'll argue with a goddamn brick wall if you let him. A friendship with him probably started from a rivalry, tbh. I feel like he's made a lot of friends this way, he has to test a person through and through first.

C = Cuddles (Do they like to cuddle? How would they cuddle?)

--- Shane loves to cuddle. He'd rather die than admit it -toxic masculinity victim right here, writer feels as if his father drilled all sorts of toxic shit into his head like it's not manly to cry or cuddle or talk feelings, etc and this was a huge factor in the dark turn he took, but anyway... He loves to cuddle and when you finally get him used to being allowed to do it / ask for it whenever he wants it, I feel like it'll look something like -> this or this, depending.

D = Domestic (Do they want to settle down? How are they at cooking and cleaning?)

--- He does. He really does. He's all about that domestic life, the only problem here is, he's got the wrong mindset, hence the reason he has so much trouble actually finding a person worthy of it. He's a damn good cook, neatness and cleaning however... Not his strong suit. He's not messy chaos, he's just not overly tidy, either. As long as he can find something, he doesn't worry too much about it.

E = Ending (If they had to break up with their partner, how would they do it?)

--- Whew.. Okay, so breaking up. If he's breaking up with you, he's reached the absolute end of the line, the rope and his patience. That or he's afraid he's losing you anyway and he's trying to avoid any extra pain. I feel like at first, he'd avoid them. But you can only avoid a person for so long, right? When the confrontation finally occurs, he'd be short and blunt and to the point. He'd listen to his partner, he'd try to talk things out, but if his mind is made up and he's already in the avoiding you stage, the latter isn't always going to happen. The quicker he can get through the pain of doing this, the better for him because this asshole does not handle emotional pain well, not at all, not even slightly.

F = Fiance(e) (How do they feel about commitment? How quick would they want to get married?)

--- He absolutely loves the idea of belonging to someone and having someone belong to him. He longs for it, I think this is a huge factor as to why he spiraled so far out of control and things for him turned to a shit show at the end. I feel like he'd probably hold off upwards of a year (in a normal setting) and he'd want to live with his partner a little bit first just to make damn sure you're going to be compatible. (in an apocalyptic setting) he'll move quicker because he just wants something of his own, he wants his person and he doesn't want to wait around so long that something horrible happens to him or to you.

G = Gentle (How gentle are they, both physically and emotionally?)

--- hahahaha omg, okay. So this man is not gentle at all emotionally. He was probably raised by a v.v old school -read, drunken asshole, borderline abusive and emotionally stunted, father who drilled into his head that men don't do certain things at all and being gentle is one of those things. He will try to be gentle with the person he loves, however, but it's something he has to actively make an effort to do -though if he really loves someone, he doesn't mind doing it. Physically, -especially if you're smaller or he feels you're weaker and you need it, this man is the epitome of gentle to an extent. If he loves you and he cares at all, he's fucking treating you with kid gloves. The only exception to this is when he's angered. If he's angered though, and he really cares and he doesn't feel desperate or backed to a corner, he'll still do everything in his power to keep treating you gentle.

H = Hugs (Do they like hugs? How often do they do it? What are their hugs like?)

--- He likes them but.. only if he really knows the person in question. He's not the kind of man who likes strangers touching him for no goddamn reason. He'll hug those he cares about a lot. I mean, a lot. Because it's his way to tell them how he feels. His hugs are tight and engulfing, he'll melt into you or let you melt into him, and his hands are all over you. They linger for what feels like an eternity too.

I = I love you (How fast do they say the L-word?)

--- It takes him a while. Sometimes this tends to frustrate his lovers/partners. But he's gotta be sure he feels some kind of way and you feel that way back. he doesn't like empty words or gestures.

J = Jealousy (How jealous do they get? What do they do when they’re jealous?)

--- He has such a huge jealous streak, holy shit. He lingers, his hands are all over you, he's shooting the other person dirty looks til they feel like they need to fuck off like five minutes ago. He'll fight in a heartbeat if he feels like the other person is trying to threaten or harm you.

K = Kisses (What are their kisses like? Where do they like to kiss you? Where do they like to be kissed?)

--- Ugh oh my god. So he likes to grab your jawline or your face and rest his hands on either side of it (or the column of your neck) and just really get in there, y'know? All this and he's got you as close as he can get you to him. He bites and sucks your lips til they might bruise. He will stray from there and leave a line of lil kisses and nips down your neck. His go to kissing places are the back of your shoulder, your neck, your lips, your forehead and the tip of your nose while he's holding both of your hands. He loves lip kisses. And shoulder kisses, god, if you kiss this man and lean against him from behind, he's fucking putty in your hands.

L = Little ones (How are they around children?)

--- He's pretty good with kids. The baby-babies kind of freak him the fuck out though because they're so smalll and fragile and there's so much shit that can accidentally go wrong to hurt 'em. But the slightly older ones? Amazing, he's amazing with them.

M = Morning (How are mornings spent with them?)

--- considering he hates getting up early, it's spent cuddled into bed with him, a tangle of limbs and sheets. When you finally emerge from the bed blanket and body burrito cocoon you had going on, then the two of you cook breakfast together and you have to start this man a pot of black coffee otherwise, your hash browns are getting sugared and your pancake batter is salted.

N = Night (How are nights spent with them?)

--- Eating together, whether it be takeout or something one of you has cooked. Afterwards, you'll probably wind up cuddling on the couch to watch tv / talk or read. Then he's all about sharing a shower or bath, like.. it just feels so good to touch you, he loves touching this is his love language, fight me. Anyway, after this, you're cuddling in bed and maybe other bedtime activities (if those didn't happen on the couch in the tub/shower or on the damned kitchen counter oops rip). if you have kids together, he likes to cuddle with them and read/make up stories to tell them to put them to sleep.

O = Open (When would they start revealing things about themselves? Do they say everything all at once or wait a while to reveal things slowly?)

--- He reveals everything about himself slowly. Very, very slowly. And it takes a while for him to get comfortable enough to do it, it's not a quick process at all and sometimes, holy shit, it can feel like pulling teeth.

P = Patience (How easily angered are they?)

--- Shane is not exactly known for his patience, we'll be honest. He tries to change for the people he cares about the most, but beyond that, he's a quick tempered son of a bitch most of the time.

Q = Quizzes (How much would they remember about you? Do they remember every little detail you mention in passing, or do they kind of forget everything?)

--- He remembers everything, even things you don't realize he remembers. Which is like.. It's something that'll blow you away when you realize this man is a huge fucking sap when it comes to the person he loves.

R = Remember (What is their favorite moment in your relationship?)

--- Probably something random like a really bad date or the time the Bronco ran out of gas on some backroad on a cold night and then the battery died so you had to cuddle in the backseat because we all know... body heat = warmth.

S = Security (How protective are they? How would they protect you? How would they like to be protected?)

--- Really, really protective. Almost too protective. He's always nearby, especially in his apocalypse form, he's always watching, always teaching you how to defend yourself or shoot a weapon or build a fire, anything he can do to make sure you stay alive and you can defend yourself if by chance he happens not to be around. In normal settings, he's the guy who watches your drink when you make a bathroom run at the bar, he's the guy who will pick you up no matter what time it is if you're too drunk to drive, he's the guy who will threaten an ex who won't take the hint with a gun, he will fight for you, he will pretty much die for you if it means you live and you're safe. He wants the same in return but he's a pessimist, so he never expects to receive it.

T = Try (How much effort would they put into dates, anniversaries, gifts, everyday tasks?)

--- He's middle of the road on this. But he always does / buys you something he knows you want and sometimes it's something you haven't even really mentioned to him to begin with, he's just picking up on little hints you've given silently and subtly, he's that observant. Everyday tasks he's a little more laid back unless it's something to do with his Mossberg, his home or his Bronco. Because he enjoys working with his hands and outdoor sports.

U = Ugly (What would be some bad habits of theirs?)

--- Jealousy, I mean that one is obvious. Over reacting and losing his temper over something too easily when he's had a bad day. Fighting / brawling, Saying harsh things -that half the time he doesn't really mean, in the heat of the moment.

V = Vanity (How concerned are they with their looks?)

--- He's not really into the whole looks thing. Man doesn't really care to take the time to be 'pretty' he just kind of is.

W = Whole (Would they feel incomplete without you?)

--- Depends on how much you mean to him, to be honest.

X = Xtra (A random headcanon for them.)

--- I'm just going to say it now. I firmly feel that his father was probably a drunk, burnt out football player who wanted to make the big time but an injury stopped him. He drilled very toxic shit into Shane's head from a young age and when Shane suffered an injury that ended his own football/baseball career, his father was the first one to point out how worthless he was. And this only grew worse when he became a cop with Rick. Shane's father was probably a habitual flyer down at the drunk tank / general lockup, I feel like the man was just.. Not a good one. I feel like his mother died when Shane was a bit younger, so it was just the two men. I feel like he and Rick became friends in high school and Rick's family sort of adopted him.

Y = Yuck (What are some things they wouldn’t like, either in general or in a partner?)

--- He hates when someone won't meet him halfway in terms of effort made. Lying pisses him off. He really doesn't like being in a position where he has to lie either.

Z = Zzz (What is a sleep habits of theirs?)

---Sleeps bare ass naked.

[voxmortuus]

Hi! Can you write where 001 is already vecna but when the reader saw his face it's Peter's face and also they're with the hawkins gang so they got cursed or something.

PAIRING: Peter Ballard x Fem!Reader

UNIVERSE: Stranger Things

WORDS: 663

SUMMARY/PROMPT: See above <3

Trigger Warning(s): Mention of drowning | Mention of Bullying | Character Death | PLEASE TELL ME IF I FORGOT ANYTHING!!! I want to make sure readers are fully aware of what they are getting themselves into when they read this…

NOTE: Sorry if this isn't what you expected, I'm hoping this finds you well love! This is my first Peter Ballard piece... PLEASE BE NICE!!!

MINORS DO NOT INTERACT WITH THIS BLOG!

IMAGE CREDIT: Google I DO NOT CLAIM OWNERSHIP OF THESE IMAGES. If these are yours or you know who the creator(s) is please INBOX me and let me know. Thank you.

My Master Masterlist | Taglist

Sitting in the forest with a group of friends, talking about the murders, how odd they were and had become, how you all hoped they caught Eddie the Freak Munson. You really had nothing to contribute to the conversation and decided to get up and wander off. As you walked through the forest, you suddenly felt something a little off, a tingle to the skin, a pressure on your shoulders. 

Walking down the path, you hear this odd-sounding grandfather clock. Looking around overheard others talking about it, but you never put any value to what they were saying, not until now. You look around and find yourself wandering around the nothingness. You begin to panic, and your heart starts pounding, looking around left, right, spinning, trying to feel where you are, but there is nothing. 

You begin to run once you hear your name being called. Looking around, you feel the voice is coming from behind you. Nothing but panic hits you. You're afraid to call out. You feel your mouth dry and your heart in your throat. Running, you run into someone and fall on your butt, looking up you see this creature standing in front of you, Vecna. You start to scoot backward, but he just gets closer.

"There is no point in running, Y/N. You know what you did... that guilt you feel about the girl you helped drown four years ago."

"No! I didn't help!"

"But you didn't stop it either. I see the guilt you hold. You could have stopped it. You are no better than the ones who did, in fact... watch for yourself."

As he stops talking, the area you're in begins to change, you see the kids drowning this girl, and you see yourself standing there, laughing, but you can feel the emotions pulsing through you, wanting to tell them to stop. Your heart begins to pound harder. 

"STOP! JUST STOP!" you call out. "Let me see you! The real you! If you're going to kill me, show me your face!"

You hear a laugh. And you look up, and you see this man approaching you. He's wearing all white, with blood splattered across his face. While you see Peter, he's far from. "This face will show you no kindness, just like you showed no kindness to that girl. For years, you bullied that girl, jumped with the others in hopes of being their friend. THIS FACE WILL SHOW YOU NO MERCY!" Vecna screamed. 

"I don't want mercy, I want-"

"It doesn't matter what you want, because what you want will only end up going forever unheard and unfulfilled. Your fate is in my hands, your entire life is in my hands." the blue eyes search your face, and you let out a defeated breath. 

"I've always felt bad for what happened. Always felt bad for who I became, who I was going to be, I tried... but trying isn't going to get me out of this now is it?" You ask, relevantly calm. He looks at you and shakes your head. 

What you don't see was the moment he rose his hand, you rose from the ground, bringing you up higher into the air, you begin to choke on air, gasping and grasping for what you can't reach for. You shake, and you feel light and tingly. Reaching for him as his eyes darken, you watch as everything around you darkens. It's like looking through pinholes and all you see is Peter staring back at you, but his face isn't the last thing you see, Peter fades, and Vecna is staring back at you. 

Your body falls to the ground, twisted, broken, gray, and lifeless. A husk of a corpse. Your friends come running looking for you, and when they find you, they find what they were dreading, yet another citizen of Hawkins, taken by what they will never see, but their fate is coming, it's only a matter of time before they're next.

Tagging: @tiedyedragonswrites @stygianoir