#i will literally cry i cant believe its been a year since i did these RAAAHHH

[guiiay]

some inazuma ladies I did around 2021-2022!

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

wibta if i held an intervention for my cousin?

strap in bc this is gonna be long, but first i need to introduce this little cast of characters: I (26f), my sister (23f) and my cousin (22f) are literally the only young ones in my family. my fathers siblings never married, and i have only my mother's sister (50sthF) who has married and also has a kid. so this made us kind of close since we were kids, especially my sister and my cousin (due to their close ages) were always together. we did live far from each other, and could only meet one or two times in a year.

my cousin and my sister have ocd. i have depression. we all have anxieties. my aunt and my mother both have anger issues, so we kind of can guess what kind of house my cousin is living in. and also from what we could see during our short visits. so yeah, we're all fucked up, but ever since i started therapy and forced my sister to go as well, things started to change. my cousin kept making excuses about money issues, and not really needing any therapy, but her ocd started spiraling down very quickly after her cat got sick last year (we'll get to that soon).

so here's where the problem lies: my cousin has ocd, and needs to constantly ask for approval. she also has severe separation anxiety, to the point that she cant even think about a family member or her cat dying. and see, i get that! we also had beloved pets who died and honestly it still fucks us up, but she is getting delusional about it. god forbid we mention that the cat is now an old lady, or say that shes not as sharp/agile as she was before—this makes her cry immediately. also her ocd is very focused on her cat: she thinks she can carry diseases to her cat, she gets hysterical if we change our clothes near the cats bowl, asks everyone repeatedly if sth unrelated might make the cat sick. shes also of the belief that if someone uses an insect spray, then the poison will stay there till she goes to that place and carries the poison to her cat and making her sick. we kept explaining to her that if the sprays would work like that then we wouldnt suffer from a serious ant infestation for the third year in a row, but as it goes with ocd, she just cant accept it. she only believes what her mother says, and well. her mother gets agitated Very Quickly and they start fighting which makes everything worse.

usually id interfere and tell my aunt to just get along with my cousin as shes going through therapy and medication, and i saw it first hand on my sister that it takes time for ocd to get calmer. its not like oh u started therapy? why arent u already performing like a mentally healthy person?? this is what i suffered from when i first started my therapy. but my aunts main issue isnt her ocd. the ocd is par for the course—the main problem is that my cousin never helps around the house.

we knew this, since we have been together forever, that my cousin never works. she complains a lot, even snaps if u ask her to do two things at once (even if its like hey check the kettle and btw put this glass in the sink as well). and my aunt has zero tolerance for her attitude, which leads to her doing the chore herself and well this kind of encourages my cousin to get away from the chores by complaining. she was like this ever since we were KIDS. she'd play with us and make a mess, but when we were supposed to clean everything shed either not do a thing (saying "i dont know how to" even to simple things like put the thing in the basket) or shed just. vanish. whenever we ate lunch or dinner, shed immediately go to the bathroom, and come out after everything was cleaned and washed. and before u say there might be sth else, it really wasnt. she even admitted to it later. she just didnt want to do a single shit. and well, now that shes older, its getting kind of upsetting. whenever she's alone at home she does NOTHING. and when my aunt comes back from her trip SHES the one who has to clean after my cousin, even tho she has just arrived home. this is why no matter how much she asks us to go stay with her when shes alone, we never go. bc we dont want to clean after her. or when she comes over to our house she just. barely does a thing.

this is taking a huge mental and physical toll on my aunt, bc shes physically disabled (severe migraines caused by a bubble in her head, and recently due to her bad workplace her right hand and arm are also not doing well), and even tho she kind of brought this on herself (but indirectly encouraging my cousins behavior), its still really upsetting. whenever we go to their house, my sister and i try to shoulder a part of chores, bc 1) our aunt shouldn't have to do everything by herself and 2) we were taught to help. my parents never had any tolerance for us slacking off.

cut to last week when we went to their house, and it was a huge war zone. my aunt kept shouting at my cousin for things that werent her fault (like her asking for approval or complaining about sth someone did), and on the other hand my cousin kept dodging the chores, and when my aunt asked her to do ONE thing she kept snapping at her and complaining like it was a huge deal (it really wasnt. example: my aunt asked her to put her clothes which she had already folded and put on her bed away. my cousin snapped at her that she would do it and she should get off her back and then kept complaining that her folded clothes arent bothering anyone and she shouldnt be forced to put them away. this is not an exaggeration.) i also realized that part of the problem with their relationship was how my cousin kept complaining about everything to my aunt, which makes my aunt go insane bc she needs a break from the negativity, but my cousin is very clingy and would call her multiple times a day just to bitch about sth. and hey, i also bitch about things to my mother, but i dont call her that much when shes/im away, and also i try to balance it with good fun stories. i know my cousin isnt like having a very bad life, she just likes to complain about everything. but this, coupled with her insistent need for approval, and her clinginess, makes for a bad recipe.

so, when i finally had a private moment with my cousin, i told her that she needs to do chores, and this would do wonders to the current tension! i said this very gently and very quickly bc i didnt want my aunt to overhear us, and my cousin started crying and nodding and said she would try. this made me feel a bit calmer about the whole situation, until the next fucking day when my grandparents came to my aunts house and my cousin, u guessed, did nothing to help my aunt. at one point my sister found her kissing her cat instead of setting the table, and it made us both extremely mad.

i think that gently talking with her wont do good, bc she'd probably do the same thing again. i feel like i need to be more stern and a little bit harsher to hammer the point home, bc apparently she doesnt understand anything unless its shouted at her. im not gonna shame her or anything, im just gonna say that she needs to a) continue her therapy (which she has dropped for 5 months) b) take her pills regularly (which she doesnt) c) enforce a clear boundary between herself and her mother no matter how close they and d) do the chores. if she doesnt do these stuff, then she wont be able to get any sympathy from me, and my sister. also cant complain about it anymore if she's not going to do any fucking thing to improve her situation.

so, wibta?

What are these acronyms?

[yunomagic]

Sonic Wachowski Angst Headcanons (cuz im evil 😈)

OKAY so ever since i watched these movies i cant get this little blue blur out of my brain and hes literally one of my favorite characters now and shares one of the highest spots on my kin and comfort character list- and just like all the spots on my kin and comfort character list, i cook up a bunch of angsty headcanons mainly to self project and also cuz this character should suffer (/j) all that aside tho [ dumps a bunch of angst headcanons onto this sweet blue hedgie ]

Sonic eats A LOT of food when he’s stressed, mainly savory or sweet things

He fantasizes being in comic book / fantasy worlds to cope or when things get too hard for him

Sonic kins Luz Noceda from The Owl House and Sayaka Miki from Madoka Magica

Sonic has generalized anxiety, cognitive distortions, abandonment issues and people pleasing behavior

He would be the type to cry about past things he feels guilty for at 2 AM and wake up in the morning like nothing happened

He often forgets to open up to his family because he’s used to keeping his emotions to himself and crying on his own for years

Sonic struggles to keep relationships stable because he’s never been in a real family before

^^^ Therefore he attempts to seek validation by doing grand gestures and by trying to fulfill the role of being a superhero

He apologizes way too much whenever he thinks he did something wrong, its almost like an instinct

He’s afraid he’ll accidentally push away his relationship with his parents and his brothers because he believes he may be a danger to all of them

During a spike of anxiety, Sonic will either be holding back the urge to cry or throw up

Sonic pretends to be confident and act like he’s the best when he actually feel’s like he’s the worst

^^^ He has a hard time valuing himself because he thinks it’s selfish

Sonic self projects onto his favorite characters to cope (sounds familiar huh /hj)

Sonic makes diary entries in the form of videos because he’d rather articulate his thoughts in the form of talking rather than writing

He almost thinks he doesn’t deserve the affection he gets from his family, even though he’s been craving for it since forever

For a long time he avoided calling Maddie, “Mom” because of his past trauma with Longclaw

Hes quick to blame himself for things that arent his fault (past self blame with Longclaw’s death lead to that)

Sonic is selfless to the point where he thinks about sacrificing himself for the ones he cares about

Sonic has a mental breakdown playlist on Spotify

And thats all of it I think??? I just saw the little hedgehog and blasted him with the self projection beam. Sorry little buddy. Thanks for reading these btw!! Hope you enjoyed them <3

[eyesxxyou]

Angst about dad hobie/spiderpunk so warning! But it becomes a slight fluff?

Hobie having a afab reader as their lover. The reader actually gets pregnant from yknow, and hobie doesnt want them doing an unsafe abortion since they mightve been illegal back then or still are, and he doesnt want reader being hurt. So they have a kid and hobie stays with them no matter how hard it is being spiderman and being scared of your family being killed.

This was years ago, he shouldve been more safe, he shouldve done more. That what he tells himself as hes at your and his 8 year old daughters grave. Having a heart locket necklace that he bought for you on his neck, having a ring that he had made for his daughter and would let her wear it on special occasions on the same necklace. And inside the necklace is a photo of you three a couple of days before he lost the both of you. He has patches and stuff from both of yall on his leather jacket. Or if your crafty and make stuff or made him a leather jacket it becomes his main leather jacket he wears as it was a gift from you. Or any pins or anything he purs it on the jacket. He knows you or her wouldnt want him to blame himself but he cant stop, so he protects other familys woth his whole life. He knows how hard it is losing the hellspawn you created or the person you fell in love with. He distracts himself all the time with work, music, riots. Work+music+riots all together. Destroying osborn. Destroying villains. He overworks himself not to feel the immense pain and guilt he feels. He almost had bled out a couple of times if not for captain anarchy. You would patch him up and he got used to you doing it, he stopped doing it to himself. And he stopped caring about himself and if it happened, he just wanted his world back. He used to care about himself, you and yalls daughter did as well. Youd comfort him and now your gone, he doesnt know how to do with his feelings or anything , so thats why he distracts himself or doesnt care what happens to him. But no matter what on yalls anniversary, your birthday, your daughters birthday, his, honestly no matter what he always went to visit your grave everyday. He felt closer to you and your daughter. He was a little closer then he thought as yall were right their with him whenever hed come to visit, or just watching over him. You were his guardian angels physically and liter. He doesnt know that yet, he will once you accidentally show yourself to him when hes bleeding out when no ones around and he hears your and your daughters blissful voice. But its not his day, not today. Not yet. You give him another kiss before making sure he doesnt bleed out and his daighter also gives him kiss and cuddles him while you fix where his wounds at. He doesnt believe its real until he wakes up in an alleyway with karl shaking him and his wound is wrapped like how youd wrap it. Hed just need to change it, karl would help him with that. He still felt your and your daughters presence, and that motivates him a lot more. He is able to get more done and he finally gives himself a break. Visiting yours and his daughters grave with flowers while he is working on a new song to help anyone struggling with something similar he went to. Bit he also lets himself go to the park and relieve yalls memories from when you were kids to teens to young adults, to where yall had yalls daughter as probably 18/19/20 year olds (i dont want teen pregn in this guys even though that exist. Thatd also be a little weird writing ahout this.) But anyways while he revisits the memories he knows you and your daughter are right with him, when are yall not? And now he knows how yall feel and yalls presence, so he now always knows yall are always with him

Im sorry this shit isnt profread so sorry for any errors in my spelling but i thought this was cute, i hope you enjoyed this. A little angst but its cute (i almost cried when writing this)

-🍄

SCREAMING CRYING THROWING UP

[fanartalchemist]

Lucid decapitation

WARNING: body horror, mention of decapitation and gore.

what would happen if snorpy never went in to save their sibling? maybe it would work for the better... or worse.

also, spoilers for the game, especially Floofty's side quest.

P.S. this is my first time writing a story, so I like to hear how well I did or how I can do better.

"I cant believe this is taking Me more than 24 hours to set up this contraption. Its literally the middle of the night by the time I got it set up." Floofty mumbled to themselves as they made some finishing touches to the recycled machine. " Why should I be complaining? At least the journalist is doing the difficult part of catching a Bugsnack for the experiment. Not only that, Snorpy decided to bring Chandlo along with checking out the disturbance up on frosted peak. At least my anxious sibling wouldn't sabotage my work again."

Deep down, Floofty was a little bothered that their brother wouldn't be there to see their success, or at least be there when something goes wrong. What were they talking about? If the journalist doesn't back out on their plan, they're the only help Floofty needs.

Speaking of which, Buddy came back with a Strabby in their paw. "Ah, you've got the perfect Bugsnax for the contraption. Excellent." Floofty spoke excitedly. "And in a perfect time too, because I happen to be done with setting the device up."

Buddy stared at the machine Floofty was in front of, with terror forming in their face. "What in the grump is that thing?" shouted the journalist. Its clear to floofty that they never saw snorpy's other prototype inventions, despite how close they were as friends.

"I borrowed one of my brothers patented 'Grumpinati traps' and made some modifications." Floofty informed as they stepped into the machine. Once on the device, the machine already strapped them in. "Once the device is activated, snacks will flow into my open mouth, thus triggering my regeneration."

Buddy stared at it for a few more seconds before they finally spoke "This is terrifying.".

"Yes, I surmise that is why I'm in inside the device and you are not." Floofty responded. They couldn't see the journalist while laying on the cold piece of metal they were strapped in, but could easily hear how distressed Buddy was from their shaky voice.

"How do you know this will work?" Buddy questioned once more. To be honest, Floofty a little distressed about it themselves. Why should they? They came so far, they shouldn't stop now. It should work, since they sucessfuly regrown their leg. They've researched Bugsnax for almost a year. Why would that journalist question what they do when they haven't been on the island for even a month yet?

"I don't. that is what the experiment is for!" they told the journalist. "I need you to load the funnel at the back and then we can begin.".

It was silent for a moment, with Cobhoppers chirping in the background and leaves rustling in the wind. Floofty hoped that the journalist isn't backing out on their project the second they could finally see the results. Finally, they hear Buddy' footsteps going toward where the funnel gets loaded. They heard the Strabby's cry before Buddy shut the door of the funnel device. Once they did so, the blade of the machine automatically started spinning.

There was no turning back. Floofty tried to remain calm as the blade came closer to their head. Thats when they realized how painfull the process is going to be. They never took anything to numb the pain, because they want to have a clear mind when they need to take notes. They started to regret not taking anything to help with the pain that they were about to face.

Before they could think further, the funnel loaded the strabby into their mouth. As much as Floofty wanted to savor the delectable creature, they had to swallow it before the blade came down on them. That was officially their one final meal.

The blade finally punctured into their flesh. Floofty screamed in agony as the blade dug further, only to be silenced when it cut through their vocal cord. Floofty could hardly breath as blood fills their lungs, only to no longer breath when it finally cut through their throat and their wind pipes. When it finally cut through the spine, the feeling of intense agony, along with the feeling of cold metal they were being restrained by, has disappeared from the chest down. Once the blade has completely cut through their body and quickly went back in place, some sort of unknown force pushed their decapitated head off of the device and onto the soft, grass-covered ground beneath them.

"I...I'm still alive?" floofty thought to themselves, no longer being able to speak. "I supose this is the result of lucid decapitation: when the head is still cautious even after being removed from the body." luckily for floofty, they landed facing Buddy and their body laying on the machine. They could easily see the journalist, finally removing their paws from their eyes to look at the final result. As for their own body, its difficult to see since its in the shadows of the huts. Once the restraints were removed, it took only a few seconds before they could see movement in their paws. Flooftys body has sat up, showing that their head has been replaced by another one. It looked like their head from the darkness, but without their goggles on their head.

It was a success. Floofty was right about the regeneration of bugsnax. As proud as they were, they soon realized that their body now has a conscience of that of a strabby. Floofty assumed that the only thing that creature would do was scamper and wonder around like simple creatures they are.

They looked at the journalist, seeing their shocked expression. " Wow, it really worked" Buddy said to the still alive head of floofty. The creature, now hosting floofty's body, face towards the journalist. That grabbed both of their attention. The creature hopped off of the restraint platform and started creeping towards buddy. The journalist's face towards the creature, with their expression changing from surprised to genuine fear.

"Wait a minute. Stop! What are y..." Buddy pleaded before they were interrupted by the creature pouncing onto them. The monstrosity went at them with their teeth in their throat, and tore it off from their neck. Blood dripped from the monsters maw as life disappeared from the journalist's body.

Flooftie's eyes started flooding with tears as they saw the corpse of their friend. They never expected the bugsnax to commit a murder this barbaric, not even a strabby. Was this the hidden nature of bugsnax this whole time? Was this the price they have to pay for messing with the forces of nature?

The creature quickly turned toward Flooftie's decapitated head from across the contraption. It slowly walked from the corpse next to the funnel to the severed head. It picked them up and held it to the point where Floofty could finally see the face of the monster. Its eyes were that of the bugsnax, with its head being that of a rotting strawberry. Its hair are made of leaves in the same style as flooftie's, and the teeth are that of stems of strawberries. looking deep into the monsters pupils, they see themselves in its reflection.

As the creature removed the goggles from floofty, it spoke. Its voice was that of flooftie's, but distorted. "You were very helpful, but we have no use for you anymore". Flooftie's vision started going dark as the creature brought its head towards its mouth, and gobbled it up.

____________________________________________________________

"Wait. Stop!" Floofty shouted as they sit up from their bed, breathing heavily. They woke up with cold sweat soaking their bed of their brother's apartment. They looked at themselves, and felt their chest and head to see if its still attached. It was all a dream, or a nightmare in this case.

They gave themselves time to calm down and recall the current events. Floofty is still alive, everyone escaped snaktooth thanks to Lizbert and Eggabell (assuming they are the queen of bugsnax) as the volcano went off, and now they are seeking temporary refuge in an apartment with their brother snorpy, and his boyfriend chandlo, as the bugsnax wear off. That pretty sums up what happened. that, and the Bugsnax are parasites that use your insecurities to make you crave more. They were relieved that the danger is over.

Floofty leaned towards the nightstand on the side of the bed to drink some water. When they did, they studently feel something strange under the sheets. There was a red stain bleeding through the blanket, but the aroma wasnt that of blood, but a fruit. When they removed the covers, they saw what remains of their regenerated leg: nothing but decomposed snack matter. When the bugsnax wore off from where they removed their leg, it seemed to turn to mush instead of disappearing like the rest of the snakification. Now floofty only has one foot to stand on now.

Having one leg is not what bothered floofty, but the fact that they were also gonna decapitate their head after that. Floofty was filled with dread thinking of the aftermath. Even if the possibility of that nightmare becoming a real outcome, but the fact that they wouldn't be able to grow back their head after the bugsnax wear off, and the body was the first thing that would desnakify. The thought of it made them feel nauseous, making them fall to the floor to get to the trash can to hurl in when they do.

Snorpy came in with a wrench at hand as if there was an intruder, with half-awake chandlo by his side. "Floofty! are you okay?" questioned Snorpy in a concerned tone. "were you attacked? did the frumpinati..." He saw floofty on the floor next to the bed, holding on to the trach can. They looked pale and was trembling like they witnessed a Gruesome demise. Snoopy then darted his eyes to where their one leg use to be.

"Should I call someone to check if they are alright?" chandlo added.

"could you get some medicine for nausea my love?" Snorpy replied. Chandlo left the room to find what he requested, while Snorpy comforts their sibling.

"Don't fret Floofty. I already made a prosthetic for you. I just need to..."

"thats not whats bothering me!" Floofty interrupted. Snorpy realized it was bad to assume what was wrong.

"I apologize. what has been bothering you?"

Floofty let out a quick sigh. "its complicated to explain"

"Ill give you a moment then. Ill be here when your ready to talk to me."

Chandlo came back with the bottle of pills. "will this work?" he asked. Chandlo passed the bottle to Snorpy so he could examine it.

"This is good enough. could you give us a moment?"

Chandlo nodded, and left the room. Snorpy put the medication aside for later. Thats when floofy finally had the courage to answer.

"I regret trying to experimenting with Bugsnax. I should've known how harmful those parasites really are in the first place. I was blinded by my own pride experimenting with Bugsnax, when I should've had suspicion when lizbert was onto them. I should've listen to Shielda's warnings, even when they are speaking like some horoscope! I shouldn't have put Poor Eggabell so close to death!"

"Don't be so hard on yourself." Snorpy replied. "You were just trying to help the expedition, right?"

"I tried removing my own head snorpington! I was going to ruin my own life, and those I'm close to, just to help a billion!". Floofty pointed at what was left of their snakified limb on the bead, all nothing but mush. "Even if I successfully regenerate my own head, either the Bugsnax itself will have my body and use it for its sinister plot, or I have to live with the parasites for the rest of my life" floofty put their hands on their own throat, remembering the feeling of consuming those parasites. "even if I'm still myself after decapitation, I would have to keep eating them so the snakification won't wear off and kill me, and not eat too frequent so I don't become them. I may have to keep risking my own life just to find out. Its like if a rodent has eaten poison, not knowing when it will be its last day."

Snorpy sees that their sibling is trying to hold back their tears. He wanted to comfort them with words, but thought it would be better to hear more of what they have to say.

"If you haven't stopped that machine, I would end up living with that for the rest of the life I have left. You wouldn't have a sibling anymore, and I haven't realized how important it was to you until now. I'm sorry for everything I have done on that island, and before that".

That was the most sincere apology Floofty has given him. they looked into each others eyes, Floofties eyes glisten with tears. Snorpy gave them the least uncomfortable hug he can give with his short arms.

"thank you for telling me Floofty." their brother calmly responded.

They huged back, finally sheding a few tears they've been holding back. it took them a minute to finally relax, no longer queasy from fear.

"thank you for everything you've done for me Snorpy."

He was glad to finally hear that from their older sibling. He helped Floofty back into bed after Chandlo replaced the Strabby-stained sheets with fresh clean ones.

"You go ahead and get a bit more sleep while I put the finishing touches on your new prosthetic." Snorpy told their sibling. "After all, we wouldn't want to miss our chum Filbo getting elected as mayor."

______________________________________________

Title pic without text:

[pebiejeebies]

Soo I wanna talk about my (possibly) chronic illness, because I’m so tired of this.

My reason to self diagnose: I have to self diagnose, my dad doesn’t believe in “disorders and disabilities (specifically ones like chronic illness, he normalized it in such a horrific way, it made me feel like I was an odd one out when I realized how healthy everyone else is)” *please don’t hate him, we don’t have money for much things anyways, it’s fine*

If you hate self diagnosis, just leave and spare both of us,

For now I wanna talk about what makes me feel like I have chronic illness, and that is literally being sick, I’ll be generally talking about everything painful/tiring that has been affecting me for over a year now..

TW: Mentions self harm/hate, gore, of gag/spit/vomit, dizziness, unease, etc. if you are sensitive to this topic please read at your own risk,,

Let’s start, so lately ive been accidentally swallowing mucus, all day, all night, to the point I have to breathe from my mouth, which COMPLETELY destroys my smell and taste. Especially when I get the common cold..

Barely any mucus comes from my nose, it’s almost ALWAYS my throat and saliva, to the point I started to think my saliva and mucus have been completely combined now. Like.. literally.

my breath always stinks, minty tastes really sucks and I hate toothpaste, I hate the mint and the texture, I’ve tried some things like these little bottles of meds for the cold, but they NEVER worked.

I almost always have a headache, my heartbeat has went from my normal 60/70bpm to 90/120 min/max.. and I always get voice changes, sometimes too deep, sometimes too high, and sometimes I lose my voice.

AND YOU KNOW WHATS FUNNY?! I LOVE SINGING. ITS LITERALLY MY SPECIALTY, MY ONLY TALENT THAT I CAN DO WITHOUT ABANDONING IT LIKE THE REST OF MY FAILED TALENTS, AND IT FUCKING SUCKS SO MUCH WHEN MY VOICE CHANGES.

I’m sorry.

back to my point, when I cry, I feel like my mucus explodes from everywhere, my throat, nose, eyes, and when I blow my nose too hard it hurts my ears for a while.

I’m so tired, I can barely run, I don’t wanna say I have asthma, but maybe I’m just not energetic and lazy.. or something.. and I CANT. I repeat.. I CANT. SLEEP.

It’s almost physically impossible (unless I stay up for too long to the point I slowly faint to sleep, which has been normal now for me)

did I mention my constipation? (Maybe this isn’t related, I’m just curious what makes someone chronically ill, especially since I’ve had constipation for around a year now)

I can’t sleep, smell, sing, cry (I hate crying so much, it’s become so terrifying and horrible) laugh, (cause all the mucus chokes me and makes me gag and almost vomit.

oh how I wish I could just rip out my throat and replace my nose and throat for a working one. How I wish I could breathe normally, to smell, to sing properly, to walk properly without my legs hurting or straining, to laugh and cry without choking and gagging, spitting mucus in the bathroom for what seems like 30 minutes, to think properly without a headache, to feel NORMAL again. It’s been a year or two now. Cant I just feel like a normal person again?

God why do I turn everything into a fucking vent.

Edit: does this mean I am chronically ill?

[bebx]

hi im so sorry but i need to get this off my chest and i cant talk to my friends about it because its so embarrassing and ive talked about it PLENTY

but anyway long story short i was dating someone, we have a weird history dating wise & have been best friends for 3+ years before that all started. literally three weeks ago we decided to be exclusive, on friday i found out that the day before, he kissed another girl IN PUBLIC. i know that girl, they've hooked up before (when i was also hooking up with him but it wasn't anything really and i didn't actually know for sure if they were hooking up (they were)). so we called it quits.

i still spent the weekend bc i'm weak and all i want is him. he said he never felt a connection like this with anyone, he said he loved me and he said he was sorry a hundred times..... he said it would take a long time before he'd feel 'normal' about me. we were both emotional when i left, and since then i havent really stopped crying lol

AND NOW. i dont know if im just driving myself crazy but i feel like he's (still) (again?) talking to that one girl and it would make sense because he basically cheated on me not even a week ago so why wouldnt he do this now??? but. it feels too cruel. but maybe thats just who he is.

god i hate this so much he drives me completely mad im stalking his every move and every time i see something that even slightly hints at my suspicions i get so ill and it makes me wanna kms. i just wanna feel normal i hate that he did this to me i miss him so bad. i know we literally shouldn't ever get back together again because this is just a fraction of the shit thats happened in the past 10 months, BUT I ONLY WANT HIM. and i feel like we're soulmates. BYEEEEE this is so humiliating. im so tired i just want it to end

hugging you so tight right now, anon!!! 🩷🩷🩷 so sorry you have to go through something like this. I can’t say I know exactly how you feel, because each person experiences this type of pain differently, but I do know it just super sucks when the person who hurts us and the person we want to hate turns out to be the one we love the most. sometimes our hearts can be stubborn just like that (it all would’ve been so easy if we could convince ourselves to stop caring and to being able to fully hate them and moving on, but it’s never that easy, sadly). I can’t tell you what to do or how to react to the pain you feel, but know that your pain is valid and how you feel / how you react / how you cope with that pain, that’s valid too. and you are not weak for being hurt when someone wronged you, especially when it’s someone you trusted. I know this is cliche and is so much easier said than done, but please also be kind to yourself, above anything else. that boy and the girl he cheated on you with, they don’t deserve you. they lost you, not the other way around. think of this as an opportunity for you to open yourself to someone else who truly loves and values you, whether it be romantically or platonically. I know right now you just want him, but if the wrong person can make you love him this bad, imagine how much happier you’ll be when you finally find the right one who can make you love them the same way you loved him, if not more, the only difference is that they won’t break your heart. and you deserve to be happy. that someone is out there, and I truly believe you both will find each other when the time is right. but for now, try loving and being gentle to yourself even if it’s hard (I know it can be hard, but at least give it a try), the best revenge is to prove to them that you don’t need them to be happy and that you can heal from this and thrive without them in your life. doesn’t matter how long it takes, but you will get there one day, and you will look back and be so damn proud of yourself for how far you’ve come. because hey, look at you, you are still here, and for that, I am so damn proud of you!!

it’s okay to cry, it’s okay to be completely broken, because the thing about crying and being broken is that it’s not permanent, even if it feels like it right now.

and by the way, the ones who should feel humiliated are him and that girl, not you. screw it if they deserve each other. YOU deserve so much better than that anyway.

[starlit-miasmas]

good omens season 2 is real and im even more insane than the previous post. Fuck, Dude. ep4-6 thoughts and spoilers under the cut <3 a bit less than coherent

EP4 zira named the bentley "lesi".. or maybe its always been named lesi and crowley just never uses its name.

"you don't seem [crowley's] type at all" you'd be surprised! they've been in love since the Beginning :)

oh shit i just realized the crank crowley uses to wind up the stars is the same as the thing he has at the end of s1 when they're facing off satan. i have no idea what the thing actually is? but they look the same!

also back at the blitz ayy. hell really sent nazi zombies after them to find out if they're """fraternizing"""

love them just casually driving through burning buildings, and zira with the 🥰 face

zira's magician career, failing for over a hundred years. both instances we've been shown have involved guns i think! incredibly funny of zira to be the one between them with a firearms license.

"no need to thank me, that's what...friends...are for!" what if i died. accept that you're friends. dude just walked into a church for you!!

everyone's just ignoring the literal zombies walking around. i mean, what would you Actually do if you saw dead people walking around. it's like that one guy who didn't know if he should point out crowley's car was on fire in s1

"you need someone you can really trust to pull off this trick!" crowley going like 🤨 . i love them. trust <333

zira has such bad stage presence. im sorry to say it but its true. hes so bad at it.

the whole shooting scene was so tense my bones hurted. crowley why'd you agree to this when you don't know how to use a gun 😭

love that furfur(??)s reasoning that clearly they're in cahoots was that the trick needs someone you can trust

"shall we retire the act?" and then warlocks birthday party. cant believe they gave ziras shitty magician skills lore

"i knew youd come through for me. you always do. " "well, you said 'trust me'" "and you did :)" i love them so much. almost as much as they love each other!

"maybe there is something to be said for...shades of grey?" is this an innuendo. i know theyre talking about moral ambiguity. but.

watched this w my family and called this scene gay. they were literally drinking wine by candlelight with just the two of them. my dad said "they're just friends" im gonna sob.

EP5 idk if i said it in the last post but why does crowley bother to keep driving back and forth, just move in with your boyf already you know you want to.

zira willfully giving away books thats how you know the end times are upon us

how the fuck is hell understaffed. only 70 demons willing to do battle??? damn!

i love crowley just sauntering around in the back while ziras doing business, he j like me fr.

crying they finally got properly asked if they're dating. crowley having Thoughts and Realizations about it...

the demon that keeps asking questions is an excellent audience member. winning the participation points.

crowley getting mad at jim and protective over zira ❤️ window was a bit far, but damn go off. crowley doing a nice deed and then "no one will ever believe you"ing jim. of course he would

the ball is so offputting, the way everyone just falls into their roles and the ""seamstress"" cant say her actual job. terrifying. bad vibes .

crowley telling nina to trust somebody for once in her life while pointing to the shop of the only being he's ever trusted..... feelings

and oh fuck its the 1/75th of a legion of hell

crowley yelling at them that they are out of order is great. i love zira and crowley telling the angels + demons how things are done around here.

the greenish light outside the windows is excellent ambience. i love jims jacket its so ostentatious.

ZIRA DRAGGING CROWLEY TO THE DANCE FLOOR HELL YEAH!! i love banter argument dancing.

jim is a fool. the selflessness is appreciated though! albeit ultimately useless. where did he get the coat its fanatastic.

crowley just bullshitting bureaucratic nonsense at them, he's great.

shax has great hair in this scene though.

"why don't you make your own plans" "it makes [crowley] so happy to save me :)" theyre so silly.

meanwhile crowley getting himself "arrested":

EP6 oh good lord we're really in it now

zira having battery operated candles and the bajillion fire extinguishers.....bookshop burning down done left its mark

crowley's heaven fit is great. the gold snake tattoo is a neat touch

maggie flipping off the demons was absolutely iconic of her but oh balls you really gotta think about your wording at a time like this 😭

not a fan of the minor employment of the "i grew up with brothers so im a bad bitch" trope but ehhhhhhh

poor muriel they got crowley scheme'd 😔 i love muriel they're just doing their best, ok, and thats enough :)

magnus archives reference: why do fire extinguishers keep working against the supernatural! pretty convenient for them ig

zira Is crowleys emotional support angel, thank u very much. crowley is zira's emotional support demon too ❤️

gabriel got yoiten! bro got fired because he realized he wanted armageddon't not armageddo. it Is, in fact, an Institutional Problem.

did not expect halos to be functionally the same as bombs but i havent read the bible in years, what do i know

love crowley hearing ziras done something and immediately zooping back.

i love crowley just scolding everyone for being idiots, how is he the one with the braincell.

"if we do a miracle together it all works too well" YEAH what they thought was a teeny half miracle on each of their parts was apparently strong enough to be mistaken for a fucking archangel??? the power of love!!

and then the unexpected ineffable bureaucracy win???? i thought the fly was just beez snooping about at first but No it was gabriel being gaybriel and storing his entire being in a gift from beez.

angels and demons surreptitiously meeting up for meals has always been the answer. except ineffable bureaucracy dont actually eat but its the sentiment that counts :D

gabe deciding he likes 'everyday' just because beez likes it and then that being the only thing he remembers solidly when he's not actively straining his brain??? im so soft.

in a second stunning act of homoblindness my dad asked "why do they keep meeting up 🤨" to this montage. truly a bruh moment

gabe miracling the jukebox to always play beez's favorite song..... bro is down bad. the whole ineffable bureaucracy montage was SO FUCKING SWEET i love them so much i didnt expect to come out of this as an ineffable bureaucracy truther but im glad i did

"something that mattered more to me than choosing sides" 😭 theyre holding hands .............

and then the family-dinnercore bickering match 💀 none of these mfs are mature. love zira scolding them. ineffable husbands rly flexing their parenting muscles this season

"wherever beezlebub is, is my heaven" "and wherever you are, is my hell" this hurts so much against the ineffable husbands finale but we'll get there. and then they vanish off to loveland or something ❤️ happy for them, im glad at least two people got a happy ending out of this. they chose the side of love ❤️

and then uh. Fucking Metatron. fuck. the ominous music when they go out on their Stroll.

so soft for the scene with crowley putting everything back in order in the bookshop. domestic as hell. the soft music. crowley just knowing how everything is Supposed to be. <3

nina and maggie come to make ineffable husbands get their shit together! love nina calling maggie 'angel', sure wonder where she got that from..

the boys are gonna talk about their feelings?! no. no they aren't, actually. everything's gonna go to shit instead. god i cannot put my feelings on this scene into anything coherent. i am in pain.

because its always been crowley advocating for Their Side and zira's believed heaven is Absolute Good and shit and of course that's what takes them apart 😭 because fucking TRAGEDIES and the narrative is out for these fuckers.

zira please 😭 its you two on earth, you two together on Your Side. not you two ruling heaven together 😭 in shambles. suffering.

i didnt actually absorb crowleys confession enough because the brain was melting into jello but fuck dude.

NO MORE NIGHTINGALES. THE KISS. ZIRA TOUCHING HIS FACE AFTER. FUCK! it was a win for TWO SECONDS. 😭

LOVE LOST. THANK YOU AND GOODNIGHT.

[pashminalamb]

✨Chapter 2✨ part 1

IM SO SORRY IT TOOK SO LONG TO GET TO THIS I CANT BELIEVE ITS ALMOST BEEN A WEEK IVE BEEN MEANING TO READ IT AS SOON AS IT CAME OUT BUT LIFE GOT IN THE WAY BUT IM HERE NOW BELLE!!!

OH HO HO WE’RE STARTING WITH THE LETTER??? YESSS I COULDNT WAIT TO SEE WHAT SHE WROTE. *reads the first metaphor and starts sobbing* it’s a diary. ITS A DIARY OF THEIR RELATIONSHIP THROUGH HER EYES IM SOBBING RN. I honestly love the idea that Oliver doesn’t have the best relationship with his family. Adds more spice yknow? WAIT WAIT WAIT. HES READING THIS??? THIS IS HIS POV??? ASDHJHHFJJFFHHHFFF THIS IS AMAZING. Also I love how hurtful the readers love is portrayed in the diary. Making him read your years worth of heartache gives a chance for him to reflect on his actions. Oliver having Viking ancestry??? That’s a yes from me!!!! Not him already unconsciously planning a date to take you to see the northern lights and only being able to imagine your face. BOY YOU ARE DOWN SO BAD. WAKE UP ALREADY. NOOOOOOOOO NOT THE DREAM RELATIONSHIP. BELLE LOVE PLS. You’re killing me rn *sobs*. That scene with her framing abt their future relationship and his hand hosting over here whilst giving him a back hug was written so well I can literally feel it happening adhkhdhkgfjhgf ugh. God reading the diary entries was so painful. I can practically hear the riding and falling octaves of hurt and desperation and hollowness and acceptance. *cries* BELES IM NOT EVEN HALFWAY THROUGH YET HOW CAN I GO ON LIKE THIS???!!? *proceeds to keep reading* NO BUT HIM REALIZING HOW HES MORE THAN JUST A SCUMBAG IN SOMEONE EYES SOBBING SCREAMING CRYING RN BELLE. I really do this that he doesn’t view himself as highly as his ego on the field does. Aside from soccer, I feel like Oliver would have a few self worry issues. You’re making me think abt his character more and this isn’t even an analysts post asfkjgfggiij. I love how you’re exploring him as a person through his relationship with the reader. It’s really hard and tricky to develop a character using a relationship they have with someone else but you’ve done a fantastic job with it love!!! Oh timeskip?? I love your dialogue writing so much, you really make y/n have a personality and Oliver doesn’t just have the 2 traits of soccer and playboy. Uh oh not the mother call. You really know you’ve messed up royally bad of you get a video call from mom with the look. Rip Oliver you will forever be remembered in our memories. WE LOVE MOM IN THIS HOUSEHOLD FINALLY SOMEONE TALKING SOME SENSE INTO THIS MAN SERIOUSLY QUIT BEING AN ASS OLIVER I SAY THIS FOR THE SAKE OF YOUR HEART. I love how the loneliness slowly creeps up on him in the little things tho. The extra groceries the empty bedroom the lack of the faucet running in the morning just ugh yes I love it all. I wanna bet that he hasn’t had a girl over or even thought abt having one over since she left cage she’s all he can think abt. I’m right aren’t I? Yup I was right. FINALLY. ITS ABT DANG TIME. NOW PRESS THE CALL BUTTON OLIVER OR SO HELP ME-. Noooooo not the voicemails. This is a risky so freaking sad to read. He’s hurting so bad but I’m still kinda mad at him so like ugh. THE GASP I LET OUT WHEN I READ THAT HES GETTING A TATTOO FOR YOU *SCREAMETHS* I’m still grinning like a crazy person asdjjfgjkhghh. Maybe not the best emotional decision while drunk Oli BUT THE SYMBOLISM THE SYMBOLIDM IS WHATS GOT ME GRINNING LIKE A FOOL. Belle you’ve got me loving all the angsty stuff *cries*. wait what. did. did I read that right???????? 6 years????? 6???? Six??????? ITS BEEN 6 YEARS SINCE THEYVE LAST SEEN EACH OTHER IM-. *wheezes and continues to furiously scroll* Oliver don’t you dare lie to yourself and say it was a drink regret we all know it wasn’t. The time skip was well place though. Unexpected but understandable. It was really needed and they’ve both grown separately which is what I was really hoping for. But see. Since the time skip was so early. I know there’s gonna be a LOT of drama upcoming. And I for one cannot wait!!! Sobs not him carrying your diary with him in his bag everywhere he goes like a lost wayward lover. That’s so mystical and romantic. Never through I’d use those two words to deserve Oliver of all people but your writing is just that good.

- ✨ anon

✨Chapter 2✨ part 2 Note: I cant believe it made me divide my ask into 2 parts tumblr do better smh That’s so mystical and romantic. Never through I’d use those two words to deserve Oliver of all people but your writing is just that good. CRIES KNOWING HE PROBABLY THOUGHT HE SAW A GLIMPSE OF YOU BUT IT WAS SOMEONE ELSE EVERY TIME AND HE WAS LEFT SO HEARTBROKEN AND SAD AND DISAPPOINTED EVERY TIME. OOF. Big oof. 6 years and no women huh? You messed up big time bud. Thank your wife Belle that’s she’s kind enough to give you a (probably) happy ending with this fic (I hope). NOT HIM SLOWLY ADOPTING YOUR MANNERISMS AND HABITS AS THE YEARS WENT BY. Seriously you pulled out all the heartache stops for this chapter Belle. Prediction. Why do I think the chapters gonna end with them meeting again? Cries. Yes. Wallow in despair and mistakes Oliver. It’ll be much help in your character development. Oliver honey. You can’t do this to me. Pls I cant take the pathetic heartache. And the strangers wondering what’s got him looking so sad too??? Stan me now why don’t you? UGH BELLE THIS US SO FREAKING GOOD!!!! Shout out to Sendou for being a true friend. I wonder if his relationship will Oliver will be developed a little later on too? Maybe. No. No no no. Ohhhhhhh my God. NOOOOOOOOO IM SCREAMING RN BITING MY PILLOW I SO DID NOT THINK YOU WERE GONNA GO THIS ROUTE BUT I HAVE NO COMPLAINTS. OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD I JUST ASFJHFGJFFHGDFGFFGGG SHES HERE ISNT SHE???? SHE WANTED TO SHIW THEIR DAUGHTER HER DADDY AND SEE HIM TOO UGH I AM BELLE YOU ABSOLUTE MENACE I LOVE THIS SO MUCH. “Staring into the camera wondering if you were watching him” BOY SHES IN THE STANDS WITH YOUR DAUGHTER. Not me slowly losing my mind over this new development don’t mind me asdfjkgggjjj. Ohhhh okay so my prediction for her being in the stands and having their daughter watch the game intentionally was false BUT I MIGHT STILL BE RIGHT ABT THE CLIFFHANGER ENDING LETS SEE. Pshhhhhhhhh Oliver bring bad with kids is actually so hilarious to me. God having a daughter makes so much more sense now with the context of cutting off contact and the little details. You could have predicted but it was a very low chance you did that part so well girl!!!! ASTJFDHKIFFJKUFFGJJUFDFFFF NOT THE OLDER SISTER!!!!!!!???? WILL SHE LET THEM MEET OR NO??????!!!!! AHHHHH I CANT TAKE THIS. AND I WAS RIGHT ABT THE NANES BEING SIMILAR I DIDNT MENTION IT BUT I HAD AN INKLING. LIVI = OLIVIA = OLIVER????? Yessssss give me the parental relationship development and parent-child similarities. I literally speed read the rest of it cause oh my God I couldn’t stop myself. I loved this chapter so much. His resolve to win you back over??? FREAKING TOOK 6 YEARS AND A SECRET DAUGHTER BUT WE’RE FINALLY HERE!!!!!!!! Everything abt this chapter was amazing and I loved it so much seriously you did an amazing job with this!!!! The formatting and borders look fantastic btw!!! I cannot wait for the next chapter but pls pls pls ake your time and don’t overwork yourself sweetheart!!!! And again I’m sorry for the late response and lack of interactions. Life got busy and I’ve been occupied mentally with friendship stuff. Sighs. Anyways. IM GLAD TO BE BACK NOW THO!!!! I wanna catch up!!! How are you love? How’s break been? And uni? Are you feeling better? I hope you are!!! And that you get all the writing inspiration and kudos on ao3 (unfortunately I can’t spam the kudos button or I would have) and much interactions on your blog!!!! ALSO. Question. But would you prefer me writing the reviews for the chapters on your blog or in the comments section of the fic on ao3? *sending many virtual hugs* - ✨ anon

FINALLY. the much awaited reply - I really loved reading every min of this and now I'm gonna talk about every small detail of it so it's gonna be a long ask. So yeah lets dive right into it ! We did start off with her diary. And YES. the story is a dual perspective one so there is developments on Oliver's side as well. The idea of him having viking ancestry came from vinland saga for me as well as the study of vikings - most of them came from the nordic belt so there was a possibility of that and honestly... viking! Oliver? *fans face* Now the whole thing abt the back hug and that scene? That was out of a dream I had a couple of months back that I was talking to blue about. I just love the whole narrative where you're hating him and loving him at the same time ToT

And yes! so one of the issues with Oliver's character (i'm not sure if you're reading the manga or not -) but even as a football player, he does have more addition to his personality than his nature and looks; adults took away his future from him. He wanted to be a striker but because of his coach, he had to give up that dream and become a defender instead. Another thing I like is making (y/n) have a personality as well as strong dialogues. One of the issues with fanfic writing is that the reader is also a if not the main protagonist of the story. Some of the (y/n)s out there (and I'm not saying this to stir anything up) are too soft spoken or give in too easily. Some authors mention that the reader is stubborn either through description or dialogues but they don't show it or show the reader being too dependent on someone. And honestly, I'm glad you brought out the point that the way I characterize people has more to do with stuff that really counts as a personality including Oliver since he has just been restrained to football and being a playboy -smh. Since my stories have less of smut and more of plot, there has to be character development and since I like seeing people blossom, might as well do it with the characters right? and in this case, its to do with time. he does get lonely - and there's an explanation for that in the story. So the story about the tattoo... I was planning on getting an arm tattoo done for him. like a fawn over the shoulder and then adding stuff to it... but Oliver doesn't strike as the type to get tattoos. So he got one on the ankle and...yeah no I'm not giving spoilers for further chapters just yet. |>.<| Ik the time skip seems big... but yeah. 6 years - I can't believe I fell for Oliver, then again. he's practically the only sane one in there and maybe Bachira... or else everyone is either depressed or feral. not in between literally.

6 years and Oliver hasn't had women. And ofc my story has a happy ending! - 'hurt me and put me back together' is my motto atp I'm glad that you're enjoying the angst starry - cause that's where most of my character development is. And there's more drama in the next chapter. So... did no one notice that Oliver didn't pull out? *laughing* well... yes. we did have a daughter. Oliver is actually terrible with babies. I'm happy to hear that i pulled it off well T.T Well... chapter 3 is packing. I already have a title ready And its fine! honestly- its good to take a break from tumblr once in a while So here's my update - I managed to put on weight during my break. 3 kgs/ 7 pounds consistently working out at the gym and uni... is exhausting. but we're working and I also bought a lot of books during break (chainsawman as one of them) and another one that I'm really engrossed in atm, Anything is fine Starry!! I'm keeping tumblr active in case someone wants to tell me something anonymous or discussions for character development. and I saw your comment on my fic on ao3 - i wanna say that I really appreciate it cause that was one of the first comments that fic ever got and I'm happy about it (gonna respond to it soon as well) *sending bear hugs*

Starry his collarbones are catching me off guard -

[4filen0tfound4]

OKOK!! So!

Context for House of Cards was that Sussy Civil War comic was doing MASSIVE numbers in the comic book box office! So Archie HQ saw it and then grabbed that hedgehog by the neck and went "Do that. NOW!" So then ppl were scrambling to find a way to make Sonic and Tails fight, since they were the two specifically requested to fight since they were from the games and also close friends and shit! So then they were like "oh hey we're trying to make this 'morally ambiguous' and shit just like the marvel bitches" so naturally. Politics YIPPEEEE!!! Since the Kingdom of Acorn was a monarchy. Easy. Introduce democracy. Boom. well how do we drive a wedge between besties/brothers?? Okay read through the previous issues any developments that can be taken advantage of?? (reminder this is still very sudden and had to be done in only a few issues, meaning the scope can't be too big or anything) Hey look Tails's parents from space. Okay from the sonic in space arc (that u didnt read like a LOSER!!!!) we know that the aliens from that planet are very logical and all that. So it must track that they have a democracy too! Okay lets say the Prowers want to establish a democracy for the Kingdom of Acorn too. Time is ripe since veryone has settled into New Mobotropolis and Elias is still a lil bit of a sussy king so far! And ofc Tails is gonna side with his newly accquired parents. Which means Sonic defaults to being a bootlicker horray! But why the fuck, you ask? Well you have to remember here that Archie Sonic and Normal Sonic are two very different beasts. WE know that Max is a little piece of shit, but in universe, the goal after defeating Robotnik has always been to get Sally's dad back from gay baby jail. And subsequently, this restores the rule of the Kingdom to its "rightful monarchs" or whatever. The people with the highest stake in this, and therefore the most supportive, are Sally and Sonic. Sally for. obvious reasons, and Sonic because his whole family worked for the Acorns, moreso than Tails or Antoine's parents did. The personal conflict between Sonic and Tails hinges on how Sonic T. Hedgehog has. maybe been treating Tails kinda like shit. Yeah the Fiona stuff is lame as hell, but apparently one of Sonic's motives in getting with her was so that Tails could play the hit video game Getting Over It (trademark). OBVIOUSLY that did jack shit, and only fucked up Tails more. But ALSO the Anti Sonic shit, along with Sonic literally being presumed dead as hell for a year, and the old writers not really writing Sonic very well all adds up to Tails not feeling like he can trust his bro, and Sonic being. pretty different than how he is in the games! So aside from all that, the arc was also a way to bring Sonic's character more in line with that of the games. Yeah even with all the context and shit I said it still does feel kinda ooc, but like. We already knew it was. Anyways cant believe i wrote a 500 word essay about an arc of a sonic comic <3 this better send or i will shit and scream and cry

Ily for this btw but ?????? Holy shit u rlly did write an essay. I was going to type a real response but I was listening to Barbie girl on repeat the entire time so my brain is mush rn. Anyways tysm for explaining this arc so much was happening all at once,,,,,marvel fucking ruins everything for me </3

[mixdgrlproblems]

sorry i haven't updated any of my social media platforms with anything. my mental health is pretty bad rn and healthcare in america is a joke. ive been having panic attacks constantly since wednesday night and here i am no better than before. im expected to lock myself away from the world and give up my cell phone, no exceptions (even though they say they can't make you do something you don't wanna do) or hope i make it to monday and then hope someone can help me. don't have a mental health crisis on a weekend, they'll treat you just like everyone else. wait til monday. i can't believe im still conscious enough to write this. if you have had one panic attack every blue moon or even more frequently, you know how painful that is. imagine having that happen to you for 4 days straight. my heart is strong as hell cuz why haven't i passed out or have a heart attack dealing with this for so long. people expect me to continue to just breathe through it. so im supposed to suffer through this bc no one wants liability for giving me something that can make me worse. at this point ill take anything. and i mean anything. a certain way has been on my mind but i dont want to do it. i want to be able to breathe normally for 24 hours at least. hell i'll take from breakfast to lunch. its recurring every few hours and everyone is asking me do this or why didn't this person do that. the answers are: i did and you fucking tell me. my nurse practitioner who has been prescribing me my depression and anxiety medication for the past 2 years all of a sudden cant just give me something to sedate me "for my safety", no its for theirs at this point. im on the floor crying and hyperventilating and they're like go to the emergency room and the er says well whoever prescribes me my mental health prescriptions, why didn't they do anything. why why why. back and forth back and forth. i literally feel like im on the worst customer service call ever and im being transferred in person from place to place. ive been to 2 hospitals and a mental health center and they couldn't help me. this has been happening since wednesday so why did no one do anything during those 2 days if i cant get care over the weekend. im afraid on monday they're gonna tell me the same thing and i'll literally lose my mind. that's why im shocked im still able to be coherent.

if you ever read, see, hear people who succumb or reach their breaking point from now on, dont fucking say "why didn't they just ask for help" bc they did. i did. for days. ask why wasn't there help available when they simply asked? begged for it? im now blaming american healthcare as the reason why people succumb from suicide from now on. not bc they just went crazy and sadly had no one to turn to.

never fucking say WHY DIDNT THEY JUST ASK FOR HELP ever again or i will go apeshit and scream. im posting this now in case i have to copy and paste this anywhere else.

[sylvies-casey]

So my mom and I have both been watching CF since season 1 aired, I only got into the fandom side of things in the last few years thanks to Brettsey, and when I told her that they might break up in the finale she was like, "why? They're hyping up Casey's return only for them to break up? That doesn't make any sense, it would be completely out of left field"

So that's literally the only thing helping to keep me slightly positive going into tomorrow. The vast majority of the One Chicago viewers are the average everyday viewer, not the obsessive fandom viewer, and I like to believe that they wouldn't break them up just for shock value when they know Jesse is a huge draw and would likely lead to a downturn in viewers if a breakup makes viewers think he'll never return.

I don't know, I was crying all morning after reading that article and I wish I hadn't read it (or any of the others) so I could go into tomorrow without feeling like I'm going to throw up.

yep that article really messed me up this morning and i wish i didnt even read it at all. 🙃 i just cant see them hyping up matt's return just to have him come and break brettsey up. i was trying to be positive ever since they announced he was coming back but its a critical time for brettsey but they just did a whole article dedicated JUST for them, its worrying me so much and giving me anxiety lol. theyre literally my comfort ship and knowing theres a possibility im losing them tomorrow sucks.

[behindbrowneyezz]

Im going to write to you like i never have before. Even though ive wrote you a hundred times but have never sent anything because i know how little you care. I just cant imagine being heartless in the way that you are. IM sorry that i didnt grow up into the adult you wanted me to be. Its weird right. As a little girl i truly thought I was going to work hard to make you proud. BUt after my senior year i did realize that i had to take a leap and trust my gut to have my own journey... I think youre probably disappointed in me. YOuve made it very clear that my emotions and feelings towards ANYTHING is 'just drama'....But im here to tell you that youre wrong. Im valid in the fuckin way you make me feel, im vaild in the way you all made me feel. I fucking hate you all still for going behind my back and taking MY gift so dominantly. I wont lie about that. I still have so much anger about you all and i think you all fucking suck for that. Id say that to any of your faces if you asked. Thats what is so wild to me. Its wild to me that there is adults like you that can trash their children so easily. The fact that you threw all my shit into garbage bags. Left. && I can count on one fucking had how many times ive seen you since 2011......i mean. what trash. Maybe you have such anger because you're still so triggered over Andrea. Its funny that you expect ME to just 'get over' everything but here you are.......pushing 50 and STILL SO TRIGGERED OVER YOUR HIGH SCHOOL DEAD BEAT BABY MOMMA. I bet you do hate me. Maybe even more then you hate her. Im proud to be like her. I know that makes you sick to your stomach to hear but its true. All my childhood, i hated her. But by how you treat ME, i bet you tossed her to the side too. Women hold nothing to you.Lets face it. YOull probably lose Katie too. So i hope youre saving your money for that day. I wish i could hate you, i dont. I just feel sorry for you. What a disgusting heart you have. What a miserable person you must truly be on the inside. Its even funnier that i really believed Katie when she told me you would cry over isaac. You deserve each other, ill give you that (Hahahahaa, by th way katie told me how she's even tried meth before. Don't think i dont know how you CHEATED on her as well, you coward) See hers the thing. Youre weak. I think you must of always been. Stupid me thought you were a man of honor. Youre not. YOure still that little loser that chose a drug addict to have not 1 but 3!!!! kids!!! Imagine. Imagine if any of us were like you. You wouldn't be here for us. You would just let us all suffer, worse than you do now. I dont like you. I should of never looked up to you....i literally hope out of all the BORED SNOOPYING you do...you find this. Youre still a coward. You lie about who you are. You dont love your own kids. && YOU suck the life out of every person you are around. There. I said it.

not your abandoned daughter, just ANDREAS FIRST BORN <3

[monchouliz]

Thursday January 4, 2024

It's been a year since I wrote here lol, I'm growing lazier day by day. All I want to do is lay in bed and play games or sleep. A lot of things happened but none really had an impact. 2023 was the worst, I'm glad it was finally over. I can't even recall what exactly happened in that year. It was so forgettable. Full of pains or rather just nothingness. The day after Christmas and Christmas was quite fun, we played games with my cousins so we were loud. I received a total of 2,800 this Christmas. I spent half of it already...

This New Year celebration was really fun as well, I sang my heart out until my throat was dry and hurting. That damned karaoke is rigged, I mostly got low scores, my highest is 99. It sucks, I could've won the money if my score was a perfect 100 but the world decided that my luck this 2024 sucks. I still got a little amount of money tho, I'm still grateful for it. It's quite upsetting that we didn't celebrate it on the literal January 1 tho, We just slept the whole day... My uncle told me he'll bring me some fries but he never came here.

Time flies so fast, can you believe I'm already turning 16 this year? I don't want to grow old yet. I used to want to grow old and go work but now that I'm feeling a little old, it highkey sucks. I went to school today, Our school started on January 3rd but my stomach was hurting and I felt lazy so I didn't attend school. You know, My mom was waking me up today and she told me I even stood up but then went back to bed. I had no recollection of that moment, It feels like I'm slowly turning into that pandemic lindsey again. It sucks. I feel like I've given up. I want to change myself, I want to eat a lot and gain weight and do so much things for myself but I cant. I really wish I can.

School was pretty much the same, It was kind of fun tho. I couldn't connect to the school's wifi so it was boring. My only source of entertainment was the main characters are infuriating but they're fun, So I kept on reading it anyways. We had two quizzes today, I missed one since I was late. I'll take it tomorrow. The other quiz was hard. Don't judge me for this but, I cheated. Well, everyone in that classroom did. It was funny. Science Quizzes was the only time out classmates actually become one. That's the only time we don't dislike each other. I think our science teacher knows we're cheating, I mean why else will he come out of the classroom during quiz time, no? I think he's giving us time. He's eyeing some people too, If he can't tell we were cheating then he's dumb as hell. It was so obvious.

Our first quarter cards will be released tomorrow, I'm fucked. I don't think I'm in the honours, I want to be tho. I want to prove myself wrong and laugh at my scores and think "holy shit, I actually got in." but I don't think it's possible, I guess I'm being a little pessimistic and I'm actually gonna jinx it and get some low grades but I hope not. I mean I know what my grade is in 3 subjects, my score is disappointing but it was expected. What I didn't expect was me getting an 87 in English. Not that I'm bragging but literally the girl who kept asking me questions in quizzes and lectures, and the same girl who writes shit sentences and is always grammatically incorrect scored 91. I am so pissed. Maybe its because I have some missing assignments and incomplete attendance.. but still...

TBH, that's the only part where I got disappointed like hell. I realized how bad I'm treating myself. But you know, I think I've gotten numb again. I want to cry but I don't feel anything at all. I'm seriously chill about this. It's fucking disappointing that I'm not feeling anything, because that means I gave up on life. But I don't want to. And I can't help but feel disappointed for not feeling anything, anything at all. Like excitement, nervousness etc. I think I'm just tired of this. I don't want to study.

[ithisatanytime]

Ecco2k & Bladee - Amygdala(slowed+reverbed)

 ill say one more thing and it will be the most dramatic thing i say all night probably, but i used to really struggle with the concept of hell, because i was deathly afraid of going there ever since i was a young child, i just felt i wasnt good enough for heaven and hell for me was a matter of when not if. when i reached adolescence i couldnt jive the idea of the god i thought i knew, with eternal punishment, it just seemed so incongruous. but after growing more and really coming to understand my mother, shes the sole reason that if everyone went to heaven on some level i would be disappointed. something about her living the life shes lead, where there hasnt been a person to spend any amount of time with her who wasnt at some point brought to a shakey crying mess, completely free from all personal accountability and responsibility, if i saw her stupid ass in heaven that would be too much injustice to bear. what i want, is for her to realize that when she trusts her own kids and her close family and friends, shes a fun person to be around, but there is no excuse on heaven or earth for that other ten percent, and beyond an excuse or laying blame or doling out punishment, concepts women are obsessed with to the degree that sometimes you literally cant talk to them, i dont care that much. its about explaining exactly what she is and why, or more HOW how can a person be that way? how can a person be so relentlessly cruel, literally at one point reducing a special ed nephew of hers to tears and not stopping there, that night was the only night, i saw her afraid of me, because my face was shaking and red, i was a gun with a hair trigger and the finger was shaking on the trigger and she knew it, it was just too far. but whats the explanation? its not about oh shes THIS bad, its why is she like that? the only answer that makes any sense to me at all, is that she lacks an immortal soul from god and is of her father the devil, on a real metaphysical level, i believe this is true and have for at least five years now. i think that 90 percent of the time mom whos so nice to be around is completely fake, its gold lacquer thinly spread over malevolence. interestingly when i was around five years old a bit after my mom divorced my dad, she went into the hospital and was put into a medically induced coma for two months (this was a result of her nuerosis and nothing more i have written extensively about it already) and she did flatline while she was in a coma (she developed pneumonia from the intubation tube when they induced coma that kind of pneumonia is only present in the young after intubation) and while she was clinically dead, she had a near death experience where she saw HELL. ive researched hundreds maybe thousands of NDES  and hell visions are so rare that ive found maybe three that are detailed i love reading about that shit, the point is its exceedingly rare, most people are given visions of heaven she was shown hell where she described people gnashing their teeth and screaming in fog and then allowed to come back to earth for a second chance. i believe god told me he sent her back not for her sake because shes condemned shes damned, theres nothing in her worth saving, shes a wolf covered in a sheep skin trying to sneak past the shepard and nothing more, but hed killed her then when he showed her hell, id never know the truth about her, nor more importantly the necessity for hell.

[frostbite-the-bat]

.

i still cant believe its been basically over a year since the start of my last year at my high school - like i am free from that now.

the first month or SO was pretty breezy - before things get harder and things are still getting started. but still, less breezy than the other years of course, as we already had some dumbass typical-for-my-school bullshit thrown at us.

i was terrified of my finals that were coming later next year, but i was still carrying through. i also began realizing i am basically in pain daily - NOT just my hands. but couldn't pinpoint the cause but i knew that practice where we do laborous physical shit was going to be a nightmare. (it was)

after covid and bad untreated carpal tunnel shit it was a nightmare to go through note-heavy classes too. not being able to pause for even a second or you miss out on important notes, getting weird looks from your teacher. literally gasping for air as your hands cannot handle the sharp pain from having to write this fast. and you're still 'slacking behind'.

that got better and then worse in some days. but. sure. can deal with that. have been dealing with that since.

but at time went on and on i became more and more miserable, more scared of my future. this school was hurting me more and more, being constantly neglected by my teacher. me especially. the others being better at what they did, so they got some special treatment. more time at the more laborous work for me!! it was a painful fucking nightmare both physically and mentally

i dreaded going there everyday. everyday i wanted to drop out - i wanted to get out of that god damn hell school. as things got worse so did my thoughts... and yet i made it! i managed to get through. i did it.

at this time last year i would've been already going through so much shit. and yet i'm here. like. i've actually done it. i lived. did i deserve that?? did anyone deserve that treatment we got there?? absolutely fucking not.

in all fucking seriousness i couldnt be happier right now doing nothing, even if it does get to my brain sometimes. even if i know i wont get good treatment in the future, possibly. but even then there's still a future for me. even if still under my parents - if i do get a job i can just quit i will not be tied to a shitty teacher and possible legal trouble if i dont attend. this teacher who also likes getting too personal and nice and then whips out some of the most cruel most insulting shit you could imagine. i hope shes fucking happy quitting the job after essentially abusing me and my classmates. i hope shes happy doing her own thing after screaming and yelling at me and telling me to cry harder when i did a simple mistake. i hope she's fucking proud of herself for this. i hope she knows how miserable we all were during her classes, or rather, the lack of them, as she never taught us anything and made us do her own personal event shit for her. i hope she knows i dont ever plan on doing anything in my life thats like what i studied at this school and graduated from basically because im so scarred by it.

seriously. how was any of this legal. it cant be. i feel so sorry for any future students, but also happy, since they wont have to deal with HER anymore.

i do not, honest to god, plan on going back to any school anytime soon, and i'm just fine staying unemployed for now even if just.. completely under my parents. i cant do shit anyway. but god im happy to just.

rest finally after all that. nobody deserves that. looking back and not living through it anymore makes me realize how fucked up it was. its so surreal. im not dealing with that anymore.

but god is it going to haunt me for a long time.