#i wish i could stop having nightmares💙💙💙

[atvbs]

囧rz

[silverdragonfly]

Beyond the Gods' Eyes

Chapter 3 - The Tale of Maggots and Crickets (Masterlist)

Pairing: Aemond Targaryen x Seer Reader

Summary: To see into Aemond’s future, you must perform a floral ritual. But what happens if death decides to interfere?

Warnings: !MDNI! Mature content, including themes of death, and implied nudity. English isn't my first language.

Word Count: 8.2 K

A/N: this chapter is quite a bit longer but provides some hints on what's coming:) hope you enjoy it! likes, reblogs and feedback are greatly appreciated! 💙 p.s. if you have any guesses about where it’s going, i’d love to hear them! 🥀

divider credit @cafekitsune

“Y/N, come here, my child. I must tell you something.” Your mother’s distant voice pulled you from your dream. By this time, such nocturnal adventures had become so common that you no longer needed a candle to find her bed. Despite the pitch-black night, you could see how pale her face was.

“What is it? Are you in pain?” Sitting at the bedside, you reached for her forehead to check if the fever had returned, but it was cool.

Her breath came in ragged gasps, causing her to take frequent breaks while speaking. “The vision… torments me.”

Brushing her cheek in an attempt to soothe her, you softly reminded her, “You need your strength to recover.”

For a year, you had been relying solely on your powers. It was out of the question for your mother to use hers since the illness had claimed her.

She fell silent, her mouth slightly open to ease her breathing. Her hand reached out to clasp yours with a delicate, almost childlike grip. A bitter ache tightened in your throat at the gesture. No matter how fervently you prayed, her strength would not return.

“No one can deceive it for long,” her voice lowered to a faint whisper. Since that day, you had never spoken of her impending death, as if pretending it wasn’t there would prevent it from clasping its sharp claws around your mother’s life. But the truth always lingered unspoken between you. Please, stay. I need you. The words trembled on your lips, but speaking them aloud would only deepen the sorrow.

“I must tell you what I have seen. When I am no longer here, you shall know what to do.”

As you held her frail hand, your eyes brimmed with tears. 

“Do not burden yourself with these revelations,” your voice faltered. “Whatever you have witnessed, I shall know it in time too.” You wished for her to release her stubbornness at least once. Yet your mother would choose to be obstinate even in the face of death.

“A desperate man… a kinslayer will seek your aid. He will strive to escape death. Do what you must, but…” Her body shook with a cough, each convulsion stealing the words from her. “Just don’t…”

“Mother, please!” Tears streamed down your face, each drop a silent plea for her to stop, to fight for a chance to live rather than exhaust herself even more.

Her voice weakened to the extent you had to lean closer to hear her. The words were a faint puff against your ear, and yet you couldn't decipher them, for one thought drowned out everything else: "Live, please, live!" Yet she spoke on, until tears fully blurred your vision, making the world disappear, and with it, your mother was gone.

Gasping for breath, you jolted awake in your bed. The house was wrapped in a heavy grey gloom, but you could already distinguish the shapes of objects. A dim light was creeping through a thin crack in the curtain. Birds chirping came from the window, promising that the time of nightmares was already over. Dawn. Looking at your hands, you could still feel the light touch of your mother’s hand. Your body was still trembling, as if you had indeed been crying. The overwhelming sensation of the harrowing memory gradually faded away, yet its echoes were doomed to be deeply embedded in your thoughts.

When you left the cosy corner of your bedroom, you sighed with relief since Aemond was no longer in bed. Drawing aside the curtain, you saw him strolling in the garden. With his upright noble posture, he appeared in harmony with the flowers, as if he were one of them.

You wondered if he behaved differently with his family—was he more open or gentler? However, the confession from the previous day quickly dampened that thought. Perhaps with the woman from your vision? You shook your head, dismissing the thought. It was unwise to dwell on it now. Or ever.

You were quick to join him outside, as it was the right time to do what needed to be done. 

“It’s no jest,” you said, sensing his presence close behind you as you rummaged through the cluttered garden shed for a trowel. You sighed as you surveyed the disarray around you. How had this place fallen into such chaos again?

“To pick a flower from the hill?” His voice carried a note of disbelief.

“That’s precisely what I said.” Turning to him, you clicked your tongue as he continued to look at you as if you had commanded him to behead a man and present the head to you.

After a few more moments of searching, you finally retrieved a trowel with a satisfied hum. Walking briskly past Aemond, you headed towards the secluded garden spot for the ritual. The crisp morning air felt soothing compared to the day’s earlier scorcher. The flowers began to reveal their exquisite colours in the first rays of the sun.

The only problem was the figure trailing behind you. Like a cat, he followed in your footsteps all morning, just as gracefully. You had anticipated dissatisfaction with the ritual’s details at some point, but not right from the start. Pivoting abruptly on your heels, you nearly caused Aemond to crash into you.

“I thought we had an understanding,” you said, your brow furrowing as displeasure coloured your voice.

“I fetch a flower, and then what?” He leaned down slightly to meet your gaze.  “How is it supposed to work?” This man was awfully tall—and curious.

“Could you explain to a commoner how one might claim a dragon or what it is to soar through the heavens?”

The way his lips twitched told you he understood the point. Not giving him a chance to question further, you added, “Now, please, go pick a flower from the hill. I’ll be waiting in the garden.” 

The flicker of surprise in his eye didn’t go unnoticed by you. Turning around, you headed further with a smile tugging at the corner of your mouth. He was clearly not used to obeying, and yet you felt victorious simply because you caught Aemond Targaryen pouting. 

Digging a medium hole not far away from your mother’s favourite peonies, you settled casually on the grass, your knees sinking slightly into the soft earth, its touch was a soothing balm to your soul. Taking a deep breath, you closed your eyes. Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. The sky above you grew clearer with each passing second, and so did your mind. No visions. No dreams. No memories. Even the nagging thoughts that had tried to intrude on your calm remained at bay. The fewer emotions and thoughts involved, the smoother the ritual would go. Breathe. In and out.

“This one will do?”

At the sound of Aemond’s voice, you opened your eyes. Your heart skipped a beat when you saw him holding a tender flower—a bluebell, the absolute opposite of his dark figure. For most people, a bluebell resembled gratitude and love, yet it would be the last flower you would choose for such a ritual. “Bluebells connect us with the afterlife,” your mother warned, “but they also foretell misfortune. If you hear it ring, someone you care deeply about will die.” You swallowed hard. It would be unwise to reveal this to him; the flower choice was personal. A bluebell had called to Aemond; you could not interfere.

With a composed nod, you rose to your feet. He seemed unaware of any change in your demeanour. 

“We’ll proceed here.” You gestured to the hole you had dug.

“Stand in front of me,” you instructed.

His face remained calm as you stood facing each other, just a few inches apart. You couldn’t get used to his steady, unblinking gaze. You knew it was a mask—the one he chose to wear alongside the sword and dagger, a calculated choice. The mask you wished to tear off. Your fists clenched involuntarily.

“I’ll need you to hold the bluebell in both hands…” The delicate flower seemed even smaller in his palms. “…As if you’re shielding it from the wind. Just like that. During the ritual, I may utter incoherent words; do not heed them. You must keep your mind clear.”

“Are you going to curse me?” he purred, tilting his head slightly. 

“No, but should you question me too persistently, I might be tempted to try.” You shot him a deadly serious look, but it wasn’t convincing, as a faint smile played at the corners of his lips. “I’ll also need to hold your hands throughout the ritual.” You searched his face for any sign of protest, but he simply hummed in agreement.

Wrapping your palms around his hands, you felt their warmth; his fingers were calloused, though not unpleasantly so. A flutter of nerves danced in your stomach. You had performed this ritual before, but the closeness to Aemond made it feel different.

Lifting your gaze back to him, you added, “I will close my eyes and begin. You may do the same.” He nodded at you unusually calmly, and you wondered if he was simply curious. With that thought, you closed your eyes, and the darkness welcomed you.

Breathe in, breathe out. In and out. Mind clear, all set. You heard the bluebell's faint whisper. No ringing, though. Good. You knew it would take a few minutes for the sound to become clearer. You needed to listen to the flower first before it would listen to you. As you concentrated on its voice, something else intruded on your focus. Your body tensed with a sense of caution, as you tried to decipher the sound. Some sort of…. rustling? Was it coming from the bluebell? You knitted your brows, listening more closely as you began to recognise it—the very same sound you heard every time you went to bed and woke up: the sound of crisp sheets shifting. It couldn’t be right, you thought.

While you were attempting to make sense of it, like a net catching a butterfly, the vision took hold of your mind, transporting you to a dimly lit room. Shadows cast by flickering candles danced on the walls and transparent curtains, lulling you to sleep and luring you into dropping your guard. You’d been here before—the brothel. Yet this time, it wasn’t an older woman who was the focus of your gaze, but Aemond. His silk hair tumbled down his naked back, with a few delicate strands framing the curve of his serene face, begging for a gentle touch. Along with his clothes, the menacing part of him had vanished. He was so... vulnerable, and yet the strongest man, no, warrior, you’d ever seen. Seated on the bed, his forearm muscles flexed as he reached for the cup of milk. Each swallow made his Adam’s apple move rhythmically, hypnotising you with its motion. His chest revealed the well-defined contours of his abdominal muscles. Putting the drink aside, he swung his legs over the side of the bed. His gaze was directed at you, but there was no way he could see you—a ghost that didn’t belong here. Yet under his piercing violet eye and the dark blue sapphire glittering in place of the lost one, you forgot to breathe. You couldn’t tear your gaze away; you were looking at an angel carved by the gods. Rising to his feet, the thin sheet slid off him like a marble statue, revealing his powerful legs, and... Oh gods.

Gasping, you opened your eyes. You were struck by the cruel irony of the vision lurching into your mind while Aemond still stood before you, his gaze utterly perplexed.

“What happened?” A slight crease appeared between his brows. For fuck’s sake. You immediately averted your eyes, feeling a flush of heat creeping up your neck. A wild urge to run surged in your mind. Your hands grew wetter as they still held his. To let go would mean starting the ritual from the very beginning tomorrow.

“Nothing, it’s nothing,” you managed to mumble, your mouth suddenly dry. His gaze burned against your skin as if he could somehow see through you. Say something. Please, say something. As you shifted your eyes to look at the man you’d just seen naked moments ago without his knowledge, no plausible excuse came to mind.

His gaze suddenly softened. “Are you unwell? Your cheeks are burning.”

“Yes! I mean, no!” You bit the inside of your cheek. Gods be merciful.

Your mind was absolutely clear, so why now? What could have caused—

“Have you been thinking about something?” you asked, suspicion rising in your tone.

His gaze briefly lowered before meeting your eyes again. “Perhaps.”

“Perhaps?” Your voice was on the verge of shouting, eyes wide in shock. “Didn’t I just say how important it is to keep your mind clear?” You barely contained your emotions. Any thought racing through his mind could spark unexpected visions in you, especially during the ritual when you were more perceptive.

He just brushed you off, his tone calm to the point of irritation. “It was nothing but a fleeting, innocent thought.” The emphasis on “innocent” sent a shiver down your spine. “I wonder what thoughts occupied your mind.” His self-satisfied smirk didn’t help.

“There were none,” you shrugged, striving for nonchalance. However, the remnants of the vision and your blatant staring still lingered within you. You felt bitter about the fact that you could have stopped it at any point but didn’t.

“Mm, very well then.” His eye remained narrowed, boring into you, searching for more evidence not to trust your word.

A breath caught in your throat. Foolish. What a foolish reason to interrupt the ritual and lose precious time. You had to tame your emotions and put up a strong mental shield for now. 

“Let us resume,” your tone laced with determination. “Clear your mind completely, banishing even the most trivial thoughts.” You didn’t dare to add “innocent.”

“I shall attempt my best,” he said, not blinking an eye.

Your eyes fell closed again. Breathe in and out. In and out. The bluebell began to glow instantly, warmth transferring through Aemond’s hands. Breathe in and out. In and out. The whisper returned, faint and delicate at first. Gradually, it grew stronger until you could fully grasp it. Now you heard the voice, distant yet clear. Your lips began to mumble, repeating the incoherent syllables. Suddenly, your heart ached. Your mother would have performed this ritual silently and flawlessly... "Shh. Keep your mind clear. Keep your mind clear." Mentally repeating the phrase as a mantra, the distress eased.

Still engulfed in darkness, the bluebell appeared in your mind and then, as if by pure magic, transformed into its initial form—a small seed. It was your turn to speak. Your soothing tone became water, your words—sunlight and soil. The seed began to swell, spreading its tender roots downward. A small stem was formed, and it grew taller and sturdier with each word of yours. Around it, leaves formed, and soon there was a tiny bud. It took some patience for it to unfurl soft blue petals, deepening to a dark lavender blue as it caught the sunlight. The seed transformed into a fully bloomed bluebell, and with that, you fell silent.

As you opened your eyes, they stung from the harsh sunlight streaming in. Gradually, as your vision adjusted to the daylight, Aemond's face came into focus— the usual coldness in his gaze gone, and you wondered if it was an optical illusion. With a deep breath, you said, “It is set.” 

His voice was hoarse as he asked, “What comes next?”

“Now we plant the flower.” With that, you let go of his hands. When he opened his palms, your lips parted. The bluebell was as fresh and bright as if it had just been picked from the field. The colour of Aemond’s sapphire. You bit the inside of your cheek. One more secret had been stolen away from him. 

Aemond’s curiosity transformed into a silent contemplation as you dealt with the flower. You lowered the bluebell into the hole, adding a splash of water to help it settle. With a trowel, you began covering the flower with soil, its bright blue petals vanishing beneath the earth as if they had never been there. Pausing to smooth the soil’s surface, you ensured it was level and even. In nature, everything must be in its place. You had no choice but to comply with its rules.

Rising to your feet, you briskly shook off the remnants of earth from your hands. The ritual was performed exactly as it had been that day.

Aemond’s gaze lingered on the freshly turned soil, his arms crossed as he spoke, “From what I can presume, ’tis not how one typically plants a flower.”

“It’s no usual flower,” you said, wiping beads of sweat from your forehead with the back of your hand. The sun had already begun to beat down relentlessly.  “It is now tightly intertwined with your destiny. Once it blooms, it will reveal to me where death awaits you.” You ought to be very careful with what you’d tell him from now on.

Picking up the tool, you started walking toward the garden shed, the exhaustion creeping over you. Aemond fell into a step beside you, the path too narrow for both to walk side by side.

“In what manner will it reveal this?” he asked.

“In a manner difficult to explain. Each flower has its distinct voice, though most people are deaf to it,” you said, entering the garden shed. The coolness of the place felt soothing against your skin. 

“But not you.” His scathing tone made you wary.

“Not I.” You nodded, dropping the trowel on the wooden table. With your back turned you sensed an eerie change in his demeanor. Something else was hidden behind his words, something you couldn’t grasp. As if, while you had been busy with the flower, his silence had given him a chance to uncover a dangerous thread he was now eager to pull on.

When you braced yourself to face him, Aemond stared at a blank spot. His gaze, gleaming in the darkness, reminded you of a predator. A sudden urge to go outside rushed through you.

Heading toward the door, you paused with a frown as his tall figure blocked the entrance with a decisive movement.  

“How can I be sure you won’t deceive me?” His voice crawled under your skin.

Taking a step back, you did your best to maintain your composure despite the wild racing of your heart.  “Well, you cannot. Just as I cannot be certain you spoke truthfully when you promised my life would be peaceful again.” With that, you intended to walk past him, but he halted you with a hand around your elbow. 

“Yet by lying to me, you might secure your peace—at my expense.” He hissed the words. “That will not suffice.”

You studied his broad hand closed around yours before lifting your gaze to meet his. The memory of your mother burned brightly in your mind, her words echoing in your head. 

“I have no proof to offer beyond my word.” 

His violet eye assessed you unblinkingly, as if for an eternity. The intensity made you feel as if you could confess to any crime, simply because he demanded it.

“If you dare to trick me,” his voice lowered, “remember I am not the only one who can turn you and your garden to ashes.”

You retorted, “As long as you don’t threaten me, I am willing to help and  keep my promise.”

His gaze flickered, and you feared you had crossed the line. When his grip loosened, you rushed into the daylight without a second thought. You hoped he couldn’t see the tears welling in your eyes. You had let down your guard, believing there was a mutual understanding and agreement. But here it was again—a ruthless reminder that you always had to stay on your toes, that you were prey in this situation. Yet you couldn’t quite understand what had triggered such a change.

You picked a green apple from the grass and sat on the wooden bench, shifting your legs under the table. Rotating the fruit in your hands, you noticed a slight bruise on its skin; perhaps it had fallen from the highest branch —price for being closer to the gods. 

The exhaustion that had washed over you was replaced by caution. One moment it seemed you knew exactly what to do, but your plan was akin to a cotton fabric. A spark of his fire set it ablaze, destroying it mercilessly.

You didn’t notice how much time you’d spent brooding, but when Aemond joined you, it felt as if the raging storm within him had subsided; his shoulders slumped. Was it guilt? Clasping his hands, he rested them on the table, his gaze distant. There could be no mistake. Something was clearly torturing him.

You wanted to be obstinate, for him to acknowledge his fault, for him to say he was sorry. But a part of you, one that had witnessed him in the visions, suspected the bitter truth: He didn’t know how. The mask was both a choice and a shelter. 

Letting out a heavy sigh, you said, “My powers may not work as you expect, but they are real.” You thoroughly wiped the fruit with your apron. “The flower needs at least a week to grow, and when it blooms, I will answer your questions—as you wish.” You offered him an apple—a gesture of reconciliation—but he only shook his head, averting his gaze to the hills in the distance. 

A soft crunch pierced the silence as you took a bite of the fruit, savouring its juicy taste. This apple tree was your favourite sort—producing hard and sour apples. Your mother could never grasp your odd preference.

The shadows pooled under his remaining eye were stark. The question had been burning on your lips for a while, and you finally dared to ask, “You didn’t sleep, did you?”

He shrugged. “I dreamt.”

You knew what he meant. You had been dreaming for months since your mother’s demise. Your voice softened, “It is not the same. Is anything wrong?”

“Besides the obvious?” A smile flickered at the corner of his mouth.

Could it be that history repeats itself?

“You hear them,” you said quietly, your hands lowering to the table. “The voices.”

Silence fell between you, punctuated by a faint breeze ruffling the leafy trees. You looked at his face, searching for a subtle change, for proof you were right.

“Will they ever go away?” His voice was devoid of emotion, almost as if he had come to terms with the fatality. Just as your mother once did. The apple suddenly felt too bitter on your tongue.

“They will fade away sooner or later,” you said carefully,  “but the echoes are likely to remain.” 

“What are they?” When his eye met yours, mirroring your own exhaustion. 

“Have I not told you?” The fruit tightened in your hand. “You are marked by death. The voice you hear is its own.”

His jaw clenched, but the tension faded as he turned to face the garden as if nature was easing his burden. 

“Are all the flowers here part of some ritual?” he asked.

A trace of a smile glimmered across your lips. “No, I planted most of them for the sheer joy of it.”

He hummed quietly. “Only a few are special then.”

“To me, every single one is precious,” you said solemnly and took another bite of the apple. Its fresh juices satisfied your thirst, making you sigh in contentment. Suddenly, a weird sensation ran through you, freezing you in place. The apple remnants were still in your mouth as you tried to make sense of the strange swirling on your tongue, a soft shifting not provoked by your body. The realisation made you jump to your feet, spitting out the fruit with a desperate cough, ensuring no remnants were left inside. The apple slipped from your grasp, hitting the grass with a dull thud.

Aemond closed the distance between you in a few swift steps. His hand hovered a few inches away from yours, as if there were an invisible wall between you.

“What’s that?” His gaze darted between your trembling figure and the fallen apple. When he noticed, his face hardened, and he stepped back slightly.

Your hand flew to your mouth, nausea churning in your stomach at the sight of countless tiny white, pale bodies wriggling in the fruit's rotting flesh. Maggots. 

The message. Death didn’t like to be tricked.

By the end of the day, maggots and flies had infested nearly every foodstuff, and their eggs were found even in the herbs and spices. The nauseating stench they brought quickly pervaded the house, attracting even more vile creatures. You had to discard all crops, potatoes, and vegetables in the dump located in the chasm of the forest near the hill. The path there had never seemed so long to you as it did that day. Aemond helped without so much as wrinkling his nose. His demeanour remained composed, but the absence of his sharp remarks made you suspect that beneath his stoic façade, he was taken aback.

A loaf of bread was the only edible provision spared—until you discovered mould creeping from its edge. The only option left was to eat fruits and berries right off the trees or bushes, as those weren’t infected—for now. Today, though, the very thought of dinner was repulsive. Fear gnawed at you. If this plague spread to the garden, it would cause dire consequences.

“What shall we do?” he asked, his gaze fixed on the dagger he was swirling in his hands—the very same one that had caught your eye the other day. You sat under the apple tree, a small tub of water before you. The first stars had already appeared in the sky, but no one dared to enter the house. The windows and door were wide open, inviting fresh air to combat the pervasive stench.

“I must purchase a few Eritaiol candles,” you said, washing your hands thoroughly. “They could help.” 

You’d learnt about these candles the hard way: when you’d been bedridden with a fever, your body had burned for days, causing your lips to crack and bleed like raw flesh. Nothing had helped until your mother lit a few Eritaiol candles. According to her, they were known to banish evil spirits and diseases. You weren’t sure death belonged to either category, but perhaps it would loosen its grip on you.

“It doesn’t sound particularly promising,” Aemond concluded.

“It is the first thing to try,” you replied with a sigh, examining your hands. It felt as if the odour was clinging to your skin.

“What would be the second?”

You remained silent, adding more lavender and rosehip to the water before dipping your hands in it again.

His gaze bored into you. “If I leave, will things return to their natural order?” It sounded more like a statement than a question.

“We both know it won’t happen.”

“The prospect of starving to death doesn’t persuade you to rid yourself of me?” A strange amusement played in his tone.

“You’re not so easy to get rid of.”

“What of your powers? Can they not reveal something to you?”

“My realm is that of living and nature, not death and decay. I can see the future as it is written, but as we stand against death, it alters the course of events to its own design.”

“Isn’t it futile then?” His fingers tapped absently against the blade. “You’ll tell me of my death, and it will still find its way to me.” 

You pressed your lips together. “That’s why I asked what you intend to do. Death can be escaped once, maybe twice. But no one can deceive it for long.” The bile crept up your throat as you realized these were your mother’s words. Swallowing hard, you continued, “I can help avert the most imminent scenario, but there will surely be others on the way. I don’t know how much time I can buy you. You’d better have a good plan for what you’ll do with the precious moments you gain.”

He went quiet, considering your words. You stole glances at him, but what he was thinking of was beyond your understanding. The sound of the sheathing dagger made you shriek. With a swift motion, Aemond stood up and came closer to the wooden fence. His hand fell upon a burgundy rose, holding it as if a glass of wine. Leaning further, he inhaled its sweetness.

“Where do we find the candles?” his voice came out velvety, like a lullaby. 

“Market. Eight miles away from here. I shall go at first light.” You withdrew your hands from the lukewarm water and dried them with a rag. Bringing them closer, you inhaled deeply, savouring the long-awaited freshness.

“I’ll go with you.” Letting hold of the rose, he faced you. 

“There is no need.” There would be no chance you’d stay inconspicuous together with him by your side. 

“Aren’t your flowers the next to be threatened?” He nodded toward the garden.

His words stirred a pang of anxiety within you, your fingers tightening around the rag. As if sensing the change, he added, his gaze unyielding, “Perhaps if we both leave for a time, it may relent.”

The eerie sensation washed over you. You knew he was being rational. Again, you found yourself speaking of death with a naïve hope that it would be deaf to your conversation.

“Very well,” you said, gazing over the garden. “Tomorrow, we shall go together.”

The Eastcross market was bustling with sellers and buyers, many coming from remote areas for the fair. Stalls lined up on both sides left a clear space between them, but the crowd had grown so large that it became a struggle to get around quickly. Aemond and you constantly had to stop to wait for a customer to move off the path or for someone to move a basket out of the way.

Food was abundant here. All kinds of vegetables and fruits, including exotic varieties you had never seen before, filled your sight. Crops, potatoes, fish, and meat made your stomach rumble. 

When the mouth-watering aroma of fresh baking wafted towards you, you couldn’t help but stop by. After purchasing a few pastries, you and Aemond found a quiet corner to eat, blending into the crowd as people passed by. Neither of you complained as you hadn’t eaten anything yet. The soft dough tasted so delicious that you barely restrained yourself from gobbling it down.

Your gaze kept turning to the vibrant silks across the road—fancy fabrics that were perhaps too expensive for you to purchase. When the wind picked up, the silks fluttered beneath the deep blue sky, mesmerizing you with their delicate motion.

After finishing your meal, you brushed the crumbs off your pale blue dress. The golden lines at the waist mimicked the skeleton of a corset. Aemond was wearing a dark hood over his head, hiding his silver hair. The eye patch was in place too, but since people were busy with the market, to your relief, they paid little attention to you.

You still couldn’t bring yourself to talk to Aemond after the incident earlier this morning. Walking into the house, you barely contained a gasp upon seeing him braiding his hair at the back of his head. His long fingers worked skillfully, intertwining the strands with ease. You’d been holding your breath for reasons you’d forbidden yourself to think of, completely forgetting why you had returned in the first place. When his icy gaze had met yours in the mirror, it had urged you to rush outside, mumbling curses under your breath.

As you set out again, your gaze searched for the dark grey brick shop. With the vast crowd around, you worried about passing it by and risking losing more time. 

“I can’t imagine you’d have to journey so far for simple supplies,” Aemond said, moving closer until his arm brushed against yours. A plump woman, her body tightly cinched by a corset that seemed ready to burst, filled the remaining space with a huge basket of vegetables in one hand and a chicken tucked under her other arm.

You exhaled a soft snort. “Nobles aren’t meant to walk such distances.”

“I’ve gone beyond.” There was a hint of pride in his attitude, causing you to furrow your brows.

“On a dragon,” you said, lowering your voice. You’d be unlikely to be heard by anyone through the wild cacophony of bleating, clucking, coins clinking and chatting coming from every corner, but the caution wouldn’t hurt.

Leaning closer, he murmured with a teasing edge, “We could’ve come here on Vhagar if you weren’t so wary. A dragon ride would have been less exhausting.”

Earlier this morning, when he had suggested it, you had choked on water. His eye had shone with a mischievous glitter, and a smirk had played on his lips. You were quick to realize he had been jesting and drawing great satisfaction from your reaction.

 “Where is it?” you asked nonchalantly. It barely interested you, but you couldn’t deny it would be a relief to know the creature was far away.

“She,” he corrected with a touch of protectiveness. You’d already learnt Vhagar was his utmost treasure. 

“Where is she?”

“I can’t tell you.”

You snorted, casting a look at him. “I knew it was a jest.”

“You wouldn’t have agreed anyway.”

He had a point. Mounting a dragon for a ride with Aemond was certainly the last thing you’d consider.

“How is she without you?” you asked, pausing in front of a flock of sheep. The pungent smell of wool and musk filled the air. Two dark-skinned men were herding them across the street. “I mean—what does she eat? Doesn’t she miss you?”

Aemond shrugged. “She’s likely in deep hibernation. Dragons can endure such a state for years if the rider is away or dead.”

“So she’s-” Your voice was interrupted by the men shouting something in a language you couldn't understand, but apparently sheep knew quite well since they started moving in the direction, away from you.  You struggled to find the right word, but eventually gazing up at Aemond, came up with, “ …not in danger?”

His eye, full of amazement, met yours. “She is the danger.”

Your cheeks flushed. Right, it was silly to ask. Looking at the cattle around you, you realised how far removed they were from the majestic dragon. Maybe it was the vision from earlier that had influenced your thoughts. Aemond, as a child, had flown on Vhagar, speaking to her in a language so captivating it had sent shivers down your spine. Up in the sky, his sheer joy had become your own. Even Vhagar hadn’t seemed as menacing as she had during your first encounter. As Aemond stood in front of her, she leaned into his touch, her huge dark eyes softening as if she had become almost human.

The sight of the familiar building facade dragged you out of your thoughts.

“Here it is!” you exclaimed with relief.

Stepping into a small shop, you marvelled as if for the first time. It was remarkable how a variety of different-sized objects had been packed into the tight quarters. The interior was a rich blend of dark mahogany furniture with geometric carvings and emerald accents throughout the shop. Anyone who walked in here wouldn’t have a single doubt that the owner loved this place. Though the counter was unoccupied, the rustling from behind a closet door hinted at the presence of someone within.

You walked further into the shop, while Aemond lingered close to the threshold, his gaze caught by crickets in tiny metallic cages. Why would anyone—

“Y/N! Long time no see!” A raspy voice pulled you out of your thoughts.

“Mr. Waterwing!” Your face beamed with joy at the sight of an elderly man coming from the pantry. He was so short and thin that people could easily mistake him for a child. His gaze darted to Aemond in confusion, urging you to add, “This is my companion.”

Mr. Waterwing’s shoulder visibly relaxed at your words, and he nodded at you knowingly.

“What brings you here?” he asked, coming closer, wrinkles scattered at the corners of his eyes and cheeks as he offered you a gentle smile. “As far as I remember, you don’t favour such fairs.”

“Eritaiol candles,” the words felt bitter, mirroring your uneasiness. “Is there a chance you have them?”

“Oh, goodness,” his eyes widened. “Don’t tell me you’ve gotten sick.”

“Not really, but I fear it’s a matter of days. Unless,” you punctuated the word, “I get the candles.”

“My dear! So unfortunate!” He shook his head sullenly. “Eritaiol candles are getting more difficult to find. I do have a few in the store, but the price… well, you understand.” His eyes were filled with guilt.

You pressed your lips together. “How many candles do you have?”

“Let me see.” He said, approaching the shelves behind the counter. The drawer creaked open, and he began to rummage through it. "Where are they?" he muttered, opening another drawer and shuffling through the items.

Your gaze returned to Aemond, but he was still closely observing the grasshoppers, leaning over their cages. His hands were clasped behind his back. You couldn’t grasp what caused such an interest in him.

“Here it is!” exclaimed Mr. Waterwing, placing three hefty candles on the dark wooden counter.

“Two will do?”

You shook your head. “I need three. What about the price?”

Mr. Waterwing’s gaze darted between the candles and you, his furrowed brows betraying his worry. Your heart sank. If he had plans for those candles himself, bargaining would be impossible.

When his eyes finally fixed on you, he leaned closer over the counter. Involuntarily, you did the same.

“How about a favour for a favour?” His voice dropped to a whisper, but you knew Aemond could hear every word.

“Sure,” you nodded. “What is it?” 

“My daughter-in-law has gotten sick. Perhaps you could assist?”

Of course. If anything would come before money, it’d be family.

“Does she walk?”

He shook his head bitterly. “Mostly in bed these days. The fever has made her utterly weak.”

Given the plague would recede in the next few days, you could aid her. But if it didn’t… You swallowed hard. Now you had no choice but to give an empty promise.

With a decisive nod, you said, “I’ll assist her.” You were surprised by the confidence in your own voice. The elderly man let out a sigh of relief, and it felt like the burden had lightened upon your shoulders too.

You watched as the old, wrinkled hands skillfully wrapped the candles in creamy paper, securing them with a string. Without lifting his gaze, Mr. Waterwing said loudly, referring to Aemond, “These crickets will be singing in a few hours.”

Aemond’s gaze shifted to the side for a moment, as if he remembered something, but said nothing. 

Slipping the package into your compact satchel, which hung over your shoulder, you gave the final instructions, “Her husband may come to me any day, but preferably before the storm. Just ensure he does exactly what I’ve said.”

Mr. Waterwing’s wrinkly hands wrapped around yours. “Of course! Thank you! And take care!”

“I will.” You forced out a wide smile, despite a lump tightening in your chest. You were no longer certain what the future held for you.

“Nothing better than a barter system,” Aemond said as soon as you had walked far enough away from the shop.

“Not many options for a seer,” you sighed, your hand resting firmly on the satchel. With the crowd being so dense, you had to pay extra attention.

“What of the storm? You said…” His voice trailed off, his eye peering into the distance as his body tensed.

Oblivious to the change in his demeanour, you replied, “The scorcher and the sky colour…” Ahead of you, there was some odd movement. So many horses—

Before you could grasp what was happening, Aemond gripped your hand and pulled you off the road, dragging you further between the stalls. The owners of the stalls gazed angrily at both of you.

“What are you doing?” you exclaimed in utter confusion, attempting to free your hand, but his grip tightened further, making you hiss.

In an alley between the shops, you were pinned between him and the cool brick wall, ready to explode from such audacity. Your blood boiled, and your mouth fell open, but no sound came out when you realised that the people’s chatter had suddenly died. Instead, the clear rhythm of horses' hooves approaching filled the silence. You could see little from your position, but the red dragon across the black banner caused your eyes to widen in realisation.

“The Crown offers,” said a loud, steely voice, “35,000 Golden Dragons for Aemond Targaryen—the one-eyed prince.” You felt his body tense against you, his hands remaining in a tight grip on your forearms as if fearing you'd disappear. Horror crept into you. You looked into his eye, searching for an emotion, but his gaze remained steady and focused on your face. “If you encounter him,” the voice boomed, each word heavy with menace, “do not dare to confront him. Seek out your village leader immediately. He is a danger beyond imagination. The Crown’s bounty stands at 35,000 Golden Dragons for Aemond Targaryen—a traitor and sworn enemy of Queen Rhaenyra, rightful ruler of the Seven Kingdoms.” The chilling words receded into the distance, but your ability to move was still paralysed.

“What did you see?” Aemond’s voice was a soothing whisper.

“What?” you uttered, puzzled, your gaze fixed on his lips in an attempt to decipher his words.

“During the ritual,” he tilted his head, his eye searching your face with an intensity. “You saw something as we’d just commenced.”

It felt like you’d suddenly been pinched and woken up from a nightmare. Memories from the dim-lit room flashed through your mind, banishing the chill from your chest.

“Nothing,” you mumbled, shaking your head, though your voice betrayed you with a soft tremble.

Leaning closer, his breath was a soft puff near your ear. “Liar.”

Your cheeks flushed hot. The proximity of his body pressed against yours and the warmth of his skin caused your inner voice to scream unabashedly, “You saw him, all of him. You know what’s hidden behind the clothes.”

A wave of guilt washed over you. Should you reveal the truth? Apologise? Explain that the visions clung to you, capturing your mind without permission. You’d never had a stronghold over the people’s past, so the only option was to banish such visions from dancing into your mind. It was too late. By opening the door into his mind, you left yours open too. In an attempt to gain power over him, you had let yourself be exposed to him, to the parts of his soul merging into yours.

Taking a deep breath, you asked, forcing a distraction from your unsettling mind, “Are you fond of insects? You were observing the crickets at the shop.”

He replied distantly, “It was unusual, and that’s all.” But the way his eye flickered didn’t go unnoticed by you. You’d got a hold of the right string.

“Liar” was burning on your lips. But you did not dare to say it out loud. You held each other’s gaze; all words had died in your throats. His hand was still upon yours, though the hold was weak. You could pull it off if you wanted, but the touch felt like an anchor, the only thing that steadied you.

The street started buzzing with voices again, signalling that it was safe. Aemond was the first to break eye contact as he leaned away, his touch still warm against your skin.

Hesitating no longer, he stepped out of the alley, and you followed him. Time to go home. Looking at his dark figure before you, you couldn’t shake off the feeling that you’d glimpsed something beneath his usual mask.

The sky was painted with interwoven shades of purple, pink, and orange as the sunset unfolded. You had observed the landscape countless times, yet each evening presented a new masterpiece in its perfection. Sitting cross-legged in the meadow felt like paradise. Dragonflies danced around you, their swift wings creating a gentle hum that harmonised with the crickets' chirping. Every soft breeze made the ears of corn tickle lightly against your bare arms, bringing a soothing sensation.

Having returned from the market, you’d immediately lit the two Eritaiol candles in the house, securing one in a safe place in case anything similar occurred again. To your relief, the garden wasn’t infected; the flowers were blooming exquisitely. Aemond had been correct in saying that with both of you away, the plague’s power would loosen around the place. You felt as though you’d escaped its grip.

“They’ve barely burned down,” Aemond said as he approached. He had shed his mantle and was now in a short-sleeved tunic. His hair remained neatly braided, and you wondered if it was a subtle gesture of trust.

“This is one of their benefits,” you replied, swirling a spiklet in your hands. “Though they’re expensive, they serve well and long.”

“The scent, however…” He grimaced, making you chuckle.

Shaking your head with a rueful smile, you said, “Right. We’ll have to sleep with the windows open again.”

Aemond sank to the ground at arm’s length from you, one leg stretched out while the other was bent at the knee. When his demeanour was quiet, it was surprisingly soothing to be in his presence, as if his calmness somehow passed to you.

A grasshopper landed on your leg, its legs twitching slightly. You tapped gently near it, and the insect hopped away.

“Have you ever performed it for anybody else?” he asked.

You gazed at his side profile, puzzled. In the golden hour, his skin shimmered with a warm glow. The light accentuated the sharp lines of his jaw and the intensity of his violet eye, making him seem almost ethereal.

“The ritual,” he clarified.

Your chest tightened. It had never occurred to you that you might talk about it, let alone with him. Years had passed, but the wound was still raw in your heart and fresh in your memory. The price you paid as a seer—the curse of never being able to forget.

Involuntarily, you began picking at your fingers, a habit born from nervousness. One finger at a time, you moved to the other hand, a futile attempt to ground yourself. It was a trick you used to determine if you were dreaming—if this moment with Aemond was real or merely a figment of your imagination.

“Yes,” you finally breathed out, as if the quieter your voice, the lighter the truth would feel. He didn't push further and simply continued to gaze into the distance. This, or the unfulfilled desire to unburden yourself, coaxed you to add, “For my mother.”

When his gaze met yours, his violet eye flickered with deep understanding. He would have done the same for his mother, even if his experience hadn’t been similar to yours. You knew his mother was sacred to him, just as yours had been to you.

“How long did she live after?” His question came out softly.

“A year,” you replied, a lump forming in your throat. You could only bring yourself to talk about her in fewer than a dozen words without risking tears.

“I am sorry,” he said, his voice lowered and genuine.

Something prompted you to add, “She was very kind.”

“Aren’t all mothers?” A faint, genuine smile touched his lips, making you hold your breath. In stark contrast to his usual facade, he could win over hearts simply by being himself.

His gaze turned back to the distance, and you felt a smile on your face, and, surprisingly, a tiny part of the burden was lifted from your chest.

Listening to the melody of nature and admiring the view, you forgot why Aemond was here in the first place. Observing how the incompatible colours blended, merged, and created something magnificent, you were delighted to be back to your serene, cosy world. For the first time, his presence seemed to blend in.

“Please!” Hot tears streamed down your face, each drop a plea for her to stop, to fight for a chance to live rather than exhaust herself even more.

Her voice weakened, and you had to lean closer to catch her words.

“Hold the ritual just as you did for me. He won’t go away. In his madness, he’ll be ruthless and spiteful. When the flower blooms…” Her body shook with a violent cough, each convulsion stealing the words from her. “Lie. Whatever happens, whatever he says, don’t attempt to save him.”

“Mother…”

“Promise me, Y/N, you have to promise me.”

With those words, your vision blurred, and everything fell into darkness.

[azaleaniath]

👯‍♀️time to pull the infinite request card (i promise to not abuse it)

“I don't like you and I don't want to like you.” arranged marriage-ish prompt if you don't mind

Give me angst with Neteyam or Ao'nung idk i want to cry tonight as usual 😨😨🥶 up to you if you want it to end happy or not 😚 Please and thank you 🙏💙💙💙💙

alright babes, time to get your therapist on the phone. It's only 900 words but these 900 words will, guaranteed, make you sob.

~ NETEYAM X FEM!OMATICAYA! READER ~

Nothing can bind us

includes: arranged marriage, lots and lots of tears, angst, rejection

SFW

900 words

____________________

"Ma 'Teyam!" you called your mate when you saw him, a big smile decorated your face as you spotted him through the woods. But it seemed as if he hadn't heard you at all.

You followed him with quick steps while he walked away faster.

The sound of your voice only stressed him out already.

"Wait, please!"

"Lo'ak is waiting for me, i need to go."

Lately, he rarely found time for you. Maybe he was just stressed from his clan leader tasks and duties, you thought to yourself.

He called his ikran while he pathed away with quickening steps.

Still following him, you picked up the pace as well.

"I need to talk to you darling, i have wonderful news for you!"

You tried to reach out for his hand but as soon as the two of you touched, he jerked away quickly.

His reaction made your stomach turn, yet you didn't think that much about it. Maybe he just wasn't successful during his hunt in the morning and it had frustrated him?

"(Y/N), not now. I'm not in the mood to talk now."

The fact that he called you by your name worried you. When was the last time he did that? You couldn't even remember.

"But I need to talk to you now."

The feeling in your stomach only got worse at his annoyed growl before he muttered "yeah, we actually do need to talk."

His ikran shortly arrived, landing close by. He rushed to his companion reaching out for his queue.

He did not look at you and yet you could tell exactly that his face was laced in distress.

"What's wrong, love? Ma 'Teyam, talk-"

As you reached out to his shoulder he pulled away abruptly, his face twisted as if he was disgusted by your touch.

"Don't call me that."

You inhaled sharply, feeling the world around you break apart. The air seemed too thick to breathe for the moment. Your eyes began to burn as you just stood there, staring at him in solace.

You held a hand to your stomach, the other one to your throat that felt as if a rope was tightening around it more and more. His ikran roared as Neteyam connected his queue to it, getting ready to mount it.

"What?"

His ears twitched at the sound of your cracked, whispering voice.

"I can't do this anymore."

You did not understand. What was he saying?

"Ma 'Teyam, what's-"

"I just told you to stop that!"

Every muscle of your body tensed even more at his harsh voice which brought you closer to your tears.

"But I love you, we-"

"I can't do this anymore, don't you listen to me?!"

He finally looked at you, now that you wished he wouldn't. His eyes seemed to loveless, furious almost.

You swallowed at his words, not knowing what to say or do. The look he gave you tore your heart apart.

"I've tried everything to love you! I tried to fall in love with you, tried to be happy with the decision our parents made for us, but I can't! I don't feel anything when I look at you!"

There it was. The words you hoped you'd never hear, words that only appeared in your nightmares.

But now that he started, everything spilled out of him like a drop of water that turned into a riptide in seconds.

"I liked you like a friend at most. But I can't bring myself to mate with you! Just thinking about spending my life with you, it doesn't sit right with me one bit! I don't want a future with you and I never wanted a future with you! I am so sick of your face, I wish I would have spoken up sooner about this stupid arrangement!"

By now, your eyes weren't just wet. The tears that rolled down your cheeks rolled uncontrollably, they did not cease to fall.

You couldn't do anything but just stand there and cry, shivering.

Neteyam mounted his ikran, the look in his eyes did not change one bit even as he saw how you felt your world crumble and turn into dust, instantly blown away from the wind.

"The best news you could have for me is that you found someone else. This... situation, between us, it doesn't work and I don't want it to work. I can't hide it any longer. Nothing can bind me to you, not even my parents."

"Nothing?" you breathed out amlost silently, tasting the salty tears on your lips.

"Nothing. I'll talk to your parents and apologize to them for having to reject you, but-"

"You can't do that." you huffed under your tears, clenching your arms tighter around your stomach. It felt like you had to throw up from his rant alone.

Now that he had finally spit it out, his eyes seemed even more loveless, almost as if he was disgusted my the mere sight of you. He didn't have to pretend anything anymore, and it relieved him.

"And why is that?"

You couldn't even tell what exactly you looked at. While only staring into the air blankly, you quietly mouthed the words, that appeared in his nightmares as well.

"I'm pregnant, Neteyam."

________________________

taglist: @luvlykrispy

@zatarias-pandora

@vviolaswrld

@yeosxxx

@lilgurlbeoncrack

@philiasoul

@ch0nky-child

@itszzmoon

@simp4ff

@itsnotme02

[nothorses]

You 100% don't have to answer this, especially if talking about this could harm you. I was just wondering if you had any tips or thoughts about dealing with the trauma of Tumblr abuse campaigns that the people who did the harassing claimed was righteous. They usually start with callout posts. Years later and I am still traumatized, have nightmares, and my disabilities have worsened because of the abuse.

I think the best thing that I did for myself was set a couple of boundaries around exposure to it, at the advise of @vaspider: I decided I wasn't going to look at tags or blogs that I knew I'd find more of those posts in, and I asked people to stop sending me updates as well.

Just removing exposure did a lot for me. I still do have moments where I "break" and go look in my tags, but a) not for at least 6 months, b) I felt I was not going to be impacted the same way, and c) I was and am always wrong, and I stop myself before getting very far because of that.

Block people liberally. Block them for saying shit that hurts you, and block them for being annoying. It's not an act of violence, it's not mean or cruel or whatever; just curate your experience. And don't allow people access to you who intend to do you harm.

Beyond that... take a break. If you have a piece you feel you still need to say, type it up somewhere else, wait a day or two, post it if you still feel you need to, and make that the last time you talk about it.

Focus on, and nurture, real-life hobbies and relationships. Interact with people and things that have no connection to these events. Not because online relationships aren't "real", but because your social life being public is genuinely, inherently unhealthy. You should not have to worry about the worst possible interpretations of everything you do or say all the time; find people who love you and trust you, and spend time with them. Privately. Exist in a space where you feel loved and worth loving; trusted and worth trusting; and where you don't feel the need to apologize for, or defend, everything you do or say.

Most importantly, cultivate a trust in yourself. Trust that you are always trying, and trust that mistakes are just mistakes. Trust that people who trust you will see the best interpretations of your words and actions, even if you realize later how they "might have come off".

Let feelings go, if you can. Letting go of the hurt doesn't mean it never happened, and you never felt that way; you're just allowing yourself to move on, to find peace, and to remove the power they had over you. Living in panic and hurt will only make the panic and the hurt worse.

I'm sorry you're going through this, and I'm sorry it was that bad. You're not alone. You can heal. I wish you all the best 💙

[importantgalaxyrunaway]

The ring 💍 (finnick odair x y/n part 2)

part one is called nightmares and is on my account

AUTHORS NOTE 📝: I’m so sorry I tried to make it longer I really did. I’m sick again but I really like this story. It’s short but I plan to put many chapters of it. Let me know what you think and please like I worked hard

CONTENTS: so much fluff 🍊

me and finnick were devastated when we heard the news. That one or both of us would have to go into the arena. I had more of a chance of being reaped than him. There are more male victors than female victors. But finnick tells me of his place and plan in the rebellion as we are walking on the beach. On the beach surely they are not listening.

releaf floods my face. I’m so happy I could cry. Yes, we still have to survive first but there is a chance that both of us could make it out of the arena. I breathe in the ocean breeze as I feel the wet sand under my feet. I still dreaded the possibility of going into that arena.

“y/n I want to ask you something” he says stops walking and turns to me. He gets down on one knee and pulls a ring out of his pocket. It is beautiful and with a blue gem in the middle and diamonds on the side. He must have gotten it from someone in the capital. We all knew what a blue engagement ring means. Devotion and loyalty. That’s what we’ve been to each other. What we’re have always been to each other. Ever since we won our games. We have cared for each other. We alone know the horrors of the arena. At first we were just friends but then we became lovers. We have been together for almost 5 years now. But why would we be public about it? We have his reputation in the capital to uphold. But now, all bets are off.

“If we get out of the games will you marry me? And if I die I want this ring to be a reminder of my love”

“yes! Yes!” I couldn’t believe it. I feel so happy I could burst. Finnick picks me up as spins me around happily smiling. When he stops I give him a long kiss. It’s soft and sweet yet full of compassion. He then puts the ring on my finger.

“I love you, I just want you to know that incase….” But I stop his thoughts with a kiss instead

“but promise me one thing. We are not keeping our relationship a secret anymore. Aren’t I as brave as katniss?”

He smiles like that was more he ever could have hoped for “your braver than katniss darling” he reaches up and caresses my cheek

“I’ll never take it off” I say as I intertwine my hands with him and we walk down the beach. I wish we could stay like this preminatly happy in each other’s company. But we both know that tomorrow is the reaping. I suppose that why he decided to propose now. In case it was to late later.

—————————-💙🌊💍————————

“Ladies first” I hear in a capital accent from our district escort. She fishes around the bowl and catches a slip of paper. “Y/n l/n” she reads aloud. I walk stiffly towards the microphone. Feeling the eyes of the whole district on me. She then reads out the slip of paper for the the male tribute

“Finnick odair”

that’s it. No going back, this rebellion plan better work or were both dead. But one thing was for sure, our love is true and we are not going to hide it anymore. Why couldn’t we be as brave as katniss and peeta? I wasn’t going to take this ring off. I would wear it into the arena as my token. From now on I am his and he is mine.

“Happy hunger games and may the odds be ever in your favor”

[chipmunkqueenart]

With a heart heavy with pain and hands trembling with fear, I reach out to you in a moment of desperate need. My name is Jecinta and I am a survivor—a survivor of a darkness that threatens to consume me, a survivor of an assault that shattered my innocence and left scars too deep to fathom.

As an orphan from Gaza, I have known loss intimately, but the loss of safety, of trust, of the very essence of my being, is a burden I struggle to bear alone. Every moment is haunted by memories that threaten to drown me in despair, every breath a reminder of the nightmare I cannot escape.

In this labyrinth of agony, I seek your hand, your compassion, your kindness. I plead with you to help me access the healing I so desperately need. The wounds I carry may not be visible, but they are real, they are raw, and they bleed with every heartbeat.

Your support, no matter how small, could be the lifeline that guides me back from the abyss. With your generosity, I can embark on the journey toward reclaiming my shattered spirit, toward finding light in the midst of this suffocating darkness.

If you find it in your heart to assist me, or if you simply wish to offer a kind word or gesture of solidarity, please know that your compassion will be a beacon of hope in my darkest hour. Thank you for hearing my plea, for seeing the pain behind the words, and for considering how you might help me find my way back to the light.

I am truly sorry for everything you have gone through. I stand with you and everyone in Gaza. While I can't begin to fathom your pain, I can still express that you are not alone in this.

Although I can't help physically or monetarily I can post links to charities to send others to donate to relief funds. I wish you well on your journey, and I hope that Gaza is freed.

Please, please everyone donate if you can, and make it known that we don't approve of this genocide. Your voice can make a difference, you just have to be loud.

Palestinian Children Relief Fund

Doctors Without Borders

AFSC

Zakat

https://secure.zakat.org/np/clients/zakat/donation.jsp?customDataBean.78.optionIds=233

Please reblog with other charities, and ways you can help.

[honey-minded-hivemind]

Some Marvel characters have very fricked up lives. Murdered parent/s, abusive parent/s, dead friend, abandonment, betrayed by someone trusted, experimented on, forced to be a weapon, used and abused by the government or group they were with, s*xual assa*lt (or worse), stalkers, paranoia, nightmares, loss of a child, drug addiction, becoming an alcoholic, having mental/emotional/physical/s*xual/spiritual trauma, mind controlled to hurt someone, the list goes on...

We know a lot of them have gone through a lot of these. But what about their bby? So I present here a possible variant of their bby (the reader):

Traumatized!Reader: Someone who can understand the cruelty of the world, perhaps was cruel themselves, but strives to be the good they wished they desperately had when they were helpless. Some things that could have happened, maybe all of them have (a few of these have happened to me, or people I know):

TW: mentions of s*icide, a snake, and d*ath

• Attacked by two dogs on two separate occasions, without anyone able to help (one was a pitbull)

• Loss of a trusted/loved adult to cancer

• Being bullied

• S*lf-h*rm

• Having someone unwanted knocking at your door every day for weeks on end, demanding things

• Suffering paranoia due to the aforementioned unwanted someone

• Trauma from that someone and the years suffered putting up with their behavior

• Someone breaking into your house (or trying to)

• Witnessing someone having a stroke and calling an ambulance for them

• Being betrayed (and manipulated from a young age) by someone you saw as family (by blood or otherwise)

• Being ignored by your peers to the point of isolation

• Taking care of newborn animals (born that day/night) and having them pass away on you despite everything you did to help them

• Having to put a loved pet to sleep

• Almost being drowned at a young age by two of your peers (the adults weren't close by, and the other kids were too busy playing)

• Had to deal with a drug addict who was a loved one (blood or otherwise)

• Almost had a parental relationship ruined by that betraying loved one's meddling (it didn't work, but for three whole days thought life was over. wasn't even a teenager yet)

• Told the truth, but the adult/s believed the lie over the truth

• Religious trauma

• Mentally manipulated/abused

• Emotionally manipulated/abused

• Stopped a young child from touching a wild snake

• S**cidal th**ghts

• Finding a pet poisoned

• Over twenty nightmares of your own death (at least three-four were about drowning)

And remember: if someone hurts you, that is NOT OK. And that you are loved.

Any platonic yandere would be ready to help you if you suffered from trauma, and some wouldn't mind finishing whatever was started. Out of the ones I've mentioned, some would be more inclined to let them off with a warning; others would use their power/influence to screw with their lives; and some would simply get rid of the problem... PERMANATELY, I might add. They love you, and hearing that someone like you was hurt in such a way makes them sick. Some of them have experienced trauma, too, and finding out their bby has dealt with their own problems rubs them the wrong way... a few can even see why their bby is so kind (at least to them): Traumatized!bby knows what it is like to crave help, to crave love, for anyone to reach out and see them and TRY. Is it any wonder their bby turned out to be the kindest person they know? All because they want to be the help they wished they had when they were hurting.

🩹❤🧡💛💚💙💜🤎🖤🤍💖🩹

[writer-freak]

Dating Headcanons Eddie,Robin and Steve (separately)

warnings: reader is GN, just fluff really, possible grammar mistakes

author's note:These are just some headcanons about how dating these characters would be that I have 💙 I hope you guys enjoy it and if you want I can make more or write some for the other teens

𝄇─────────────────𝄞 Eddie 𝄞───────────────── 𝄇

Eddie holding your Hand and his rings leaving marks on your hand

You two cuddling at night with his head in your lap

He loves when you style his hair and in general play with his hair 

He gave you one of his rings as a necklace 

Sometimes at night when he is overwhelmed with everything that happened and is still happening, he will sneak into your room, and you hold him 'till morning

He always touches you in some way if it is holding your hand, having an arm around you or you sitting on his lap as long as you're okay with it, he will constantly be on you

Loves face kisses no matter if it is receiving or giving 

He will melt if you call him "pretty boy"

Worships the ground you walk on, he can never believe that he is actually dating you

Sometimes he wakes up from a bad nightmare in the middle of the night, and he instinctively reaches for your hand 

I think he would try to cook for you when you sleep over at his place, but he can't cook, so it usually ends in a disaster 

Would love to shower together with you if you are okay with it, but the shower in the trailer is too small for two people

If he sees your shoelaces are open, he will drop on one knee and tie them for you

Will constantly compliment you because, for him, you are the most Beautiful/Handsome person he has ever met

You love listening to him talking about DND doesn't matter if you are interested in it or not the sparkle in his eyes, while you are listening to him, is just too adorable

‿︵‿︵‿︵‿︵‿︵‿︵‿୨ Robin ୧‿︵‿︵‿︵‿︵‿︵‿︵

Robin likes to be as close as possible to you while cuddling, it's almost like you can't tell where one stops and the other begins

Listening to music together or watching a movie she took with her from family video

Also loves when you play with her hair maybe while she lays her head on your chest some soft music playing in the background

You like to listen to her rambling

Sometimes when she gets too much into her head and can't stop talking you just shut her up with a kiss

Every time you kiss she melts for her, it just feels like you were made for each other

Robin confessing her love to you was a literally unforgettable moment, she couldn't stop rambling and constantly complimenting you, and how her face lit up with you saying that you like her too 

Robin will constantly talk about you with other people, and it will always be filled with love and just her telling people how lucky she is

You will regularly visit her at her job, sometimes flirting with her just to see how flustered she gets and then tries to compose herself because of the customers

She sometimes wishes she could be openly affectionate with you all the time 

Kiss her nose, it would just make her giggle while getting a slight blush on her face

Calling each other the most sugary sweet nicknames ever, which makes everyone around you just sick

Her doing your makeup while sitting on your lap 

She couldn't imagine her future with anyone but you, and you feel the same about her

══════════════════ ⋆ Steve ⋆ ══════════════════

Steve will always drive you around, he just loves spending time with you in the car singing your favorite songs

He really doesn't want people to associate him with his old King Steve persona, so he tries to show that he changed

Dating Steve means also having to accept his children

And that is completely fine with you because you love the kids and seeing Steve interact with them just warms your soul

Loves really long hugs, just having his arms around you and hugging you tightly to him 

He would do these gentlemanly things all the time like holding doors open and, carrying your bags and all that stuff as long as you allow him to do it

Going to the drive-in cinema watching a movie, him having his arm around you the entire time snuggling with him

Steve would do everything to protect you because you are the most important thing in his life

Wearing matching promise rings which he gave you for some kind of anniversary

Loves PDA just holding your hand in public, proudly showing you off to anyone

With that also comes him bragging about you and how you are just so perfect to him

Lots of love confessions all the time, and he always tells you how he will always be there for you

He will definitely want to marry you one day with you being the love of his life 

[invincible-selfxmade-punk]

It was a brutal 12 hr day but it was also such a good day too. Everyone stopped by or stopped me in the hall and welcomed me back. 💜❤️💙🥰And when I walked into my room I had all new furniture and my aide had decorated my room for me. I am definitely blessed---- and my room was blessed by a lovely priest. It was more like a drive-by blessing but it was still very nice😁

I am so exhausted and I have a feeling that I'm not going to be able to sleep right away. I was on my feet more and walked more in one day that I have all summer long.

We didn't have to do the proper me the teacher because schedules have not been made just yet. The last few years they have been running super late in doing that.

So they had us come up in front of the cafeteria and get introduced. This took place at 6:00 after we'd already worked a full day and everyone was already pretty tired. Standing up in front of anyone is my least favorite thing in the world. Standing up in front of a large room that is absolutely jam-packed with people and screaming kids is an absolute nightmare for me.

Each time that we do this, oe have an awards assembly I ask "Can I please have a chair?"

I have horrible stage fright. If I stand up in front of people I feel like I'm going to pass out. I have limited Mobility anyway and if I stand for too long my knees will lock up. Then I start to have a panic attack. When I have a panic attack it's not fight or flight, it's freeze. Then I really can't walk.

This is not a new thing. This is happened every single one of the six years that I have worked here.

And every single year the lady who was our principal and now is one of the assi. superintendents will not let me do that. I am forced to stand up there for however long it takes for the presentation. By the end I cannot move from panic and from my legs feeling like a rope that is made of nothing but knots.

I really don't understand. I am not asking for a big chair. I am not asking for an obvious chair, I am not asking for a comfy chair. It can be a tiny stool as long as it is something I can sit on to get me off of my legs. And every single year it is denied.

At the end of the month we will have the real meet the teacher once everybody figures out who has what teacher. This will be good because I will be in my own room and I will be allowed to sit down. But also take forever because I will have however many parents of the 80 students I will have who will want to stand there and talk to me for 45 minutes each about their kid. But still at least I will be sitting down!

I wish I could share photos of my room on here. I don't because my worst fear is one of my current students finding this blog and figuring out it's me.

I'm so proud my room and it is light years from what it was a few months ago. The entire time I have taught there I have had desk that were 30 years old and completely falling apart. They were all mismatched they were all rickety. And half of them had little cubby holes where you were supposed to stick books but we're all of my students just stuck trash and food that would end up rotting. Now I have brand new tables that double as white boards for kids to write on.

Plus I have a brand new high tech / high def projection system called a Promethean board. My husband gave me a wireless keyboard and mouse for my birthday in between that and my rolling lectern which pretty much doubles as a walker for me most days that I can't get around too well I can zip around the classroom with that and not be tied down to standing in one place with a computer.

I'm so glad to be back but a holy cow am I tired.

[septembersghost]

I'm so sorry your having an awful day. I'm hugging you tightly. I hope things get better soon ♥️

i had a really lousy interaction over something last week (not with anything/anyone on here, but just...frustrating and unpleasant, and it wasn't my fault at all and i know this, but now it's gnawing at me because i hate arguing, i hate being in a position where i have to complain about anything, it ups my atrocious anxiety to an irrational level, and then i feel this terrible sense of guilt/need to apologize, even though...i logically know i didn't do anything wrong and had the right to be upset, and the whole debacle is closed now anyway. i just need it to get out of my brain and stop making me feel bad), and then i had these terrible nightmares today that made me...really upset and sick feeling, my mom asked me what they were and i was basically shaking and couldn't stop crying telling her about it. you know when you wish you could just erase some files and reboot your brain like a computer and start the day over? that's how i've been feeling 😢

thank you so much darling, that helps and i appreciate it *hugs you close* 💙💙💙

[nouies]

hi, lou! 💙

thank you for your great wishes. i really feel better now, don't worry! 🫂

i think i have watched two or three documentaries. can you recommend me your top 3 favorite? 😄

oh, i understand how you feel. i have been in a writing rut for few days. i think was a bit too harsh on myself, because i just want it to be perfect, you know? and i'm not really satisfied with what i have written til now. as you know, this is my first time participating in this kind of fests, so i was wondering... what does a "check-in" mean for the event? my work should be ready til the date of the check-in or...? 😞

it's so good to see louis again. i missed his pretty face so much. he looked so happy and smiley. can't wait to see more from him this year. 🐳

scotland and brazil sound amazing! one of my friends went to study in scotland and after she graduated from college, she decided to stay and work there instead of coming back to my hometown. i have always dreamed about traveling all over the world. the most recent destination i put on my wish list is madeira island. 🦋

my questions for the day: what inspired you to make gifs and gifsets? how did you learn to make them? 😇

take care,

- your secret valentine 🥹

hi, my love! 💖

i’m glad you’re better but just in case, pls know that you always come first.

mind you, i haven’t watched a lot, i have just started so i don’t have favourites yet. but i’ll mention the last ones i watched and maybe they seem of interest to you: “american nightmare”, “keep sweet”, and “escaping twin flames”. check out the warnings though, they deal with heavy topics.

i completely understand you bc it’s how i always feel when writing a fic, i want everything to be perfect, but we’re humans and we’re not perfect. the best thing we can do is just enjoy the process. i know you can’t tell me too much 🤭 but ask yourself what are you most excited to write abt and then write it (a first kiss? a conflict? the end?). it may help you to see with clarity where your story is going. like, i stopped working on my wip for several days bc i can’t seem to write any descriptions but yesterday i was like “what if i just write the dialogues and leave the rest for later?” and that’s what i did, so now i’m excited to keep working on the dialogues and i can add the descriptions later, or change them as the story goes idk. and maybe i’m just biased but to me you’re amazing, and i’m sure your story will be too bc you’re the one writing it. <3

as for the “check-in”, i think they just want to make sure that the person is working on the gift bc if i remember correctly, the creation period marks until february 13th which means you have until pretty much the very last minute to finish everything. i’m so nervous abt it bc it seems so close now but i’m sure we both can do it! 😁

seeing louis was everything i needed and more tbh! i feel that’s why i was extra motivated yesterday. just seeing him makes me extremely happy 🤧

madeira island sounds amazing! i just googled it and it looks like a great place to visit. i hope you get the chance to do it!

ooooof, i hope i don’t bore you with this lol. when i first joined the fandom, i met a person (i won’t name them out of respect bc it’s a unique name and maybe they don’t want ppl to know, they’re not in the fandom anymore) who knew how to make gifs and graphics. i felt like i wasn’t contributing to fandom anything bc the only thing i did was reblogging (which btw that’s already doing so much in this era where no one wants to reblog anything), so i asked this person if they could teach me how to make them. i started with graphics bc it was easier for me to work with pictures and stuff, and once i get the hang of it, i started with gifs. the first ones i made were of louis saying “soccer” for the usaians benefit 🤧 but anyway, even before starting making gifs, i was in a gc with a lot of gifmakers and they were very welcoming but i felt alien being the only one who didn’t know what they were talking abt when they were complaining abt frames, and quality, and colouring 🫠 i have to thank A LOT of ppl in the fandom who used to make tutorials, share their colouring tips, and just in general were very supportive. none of them is in the fandom anymore but you can still see their gifs around heheh. i know i’m not the fastest one making them, but i still feel proud of the quality and the colouring in my gifs <3

i have a question for you! if louis was an actor, what kind of movie would you like him to be in? 🤩

take care, my sweet!

[punkscowardschampions]

Marly & Ronali & Cali

Moses: [Private at Carly, some time on this weekend after the party, not too important when]

Moses: Where is everyone???

Carly: ro’s here idk where the rest of yous r

Moses: Is he now

Moses: Ali not with yous?

Carly: no shes busy

Moses: You’re after leaving her out, is it

Carly: boy can u not read?

Moses: Do you not think you’re blatant, girl

Moses: If that’s not the point then Jesus, like

Carly: shes things of her own to be doing

Carly: keeping herself from how blatant you are included like

Moses: Right

Moses: I don’t know how you aren’t embarrassed, fair cop to you

Carly: what for now?

Moses: Keeping Ro warm for her, right after me, again

Carly: u know ive no shame said it enough times yourself

Moses: It was cute for about a week, sure

Carly: sure theres my record

Moses: Don’t go crying now

Moses: you knew what you were getting yourself in for

Carly: im not crying now

Carly: hes cheered me up

Moses: He would, eejit that he is

Moses: tell him he’s to come on a job now, [one of your older brothers/cousins, whatever,] needs help shifting some things

Carly: k

Moses: he’s not a little boy now, he hasn’t the time to be messing about with you or my other leftovers

Carly: he says he’ll be there when hes done w his plate 💙

Moses: He’ll come now unless he wants dragging out

Carly: good as how fast that lad eats don’t worry yourself

Moses: Don’t try telling me how to feel about my family

Carly: youre to try treating him as a proper brother today, is it?

Moses: You have no family, never mind a respectable one… what would you know, darling

Carly: I know I’m not your darling

Carly: & how you behave to peoples not respectable

Moses: Oh, and how you behave is, that’s rich

Carly: not me telling nobody it is, only u playing the big family man

Moses: Sure that makes how much of a little bitch you are alright then

Carly: its w me & w ro yea

Carly: what uve got to thinking dont matter none

Moses: Because you’ve not seen him fall in line when he’s told

Moses: be the only reason he fucked you in the first place, ‘cos I told him to

Carly: I was there I don’t need no telling why

Moses: You need telling, who the fuck do you think you are to talk to me like this?

Carly: what are you to do about it then?

Moses: I wouldn’t push me, girl

Carly: go on & threaten me when ive said ali’s not about

Carly: but she’ll never go near u if you hurt me so think on what youre after more

Moses: I don’t need to hurt you to make your life hell

Moses: and I know you like it too much to bother touching you

Carly: 🎃👻👿💀’s over & done w

Moses: Ah, babe, let’s not act like you’re funny

Carly: why not when wes to act like youre scary

Carly: you had your chance to b ⚓🧭🏴‍☠️🦜🌴🥥☠️

Moses: I’m not after protecting you from none of it no more, be ready

Carly: you never protected me in the 1st place

Moses: Shows how thick you are

Carly: if u say so

Moses: Leper suits

Carly: 😅 this your way of saying im to get myself tested for something youve given me?

Moses: your dirt, your problem

Carly: wow

Moses: You should invest in a share in durex, if this is what you wanna live like

Carly: I could give it out the same back to you but hey its your life

Moses: Why would I get myself sorted for any girl like you

Carly: for yourself not for me

Carly: youre so 😤😠😡🤬 do you no wanna be happy?

Moses: Do you reckon you made me happy?

Moses: I am, as it goes

Carly: I know I never

Moses: I knew you’d turn into a nightmare

Carly: u called me 1 from the off

Moses: ‘cos girls like you who pretend they’re not are always the worst

Carly: Im sorry you reckon I pretended something

Moses: You’ll be sorrier, no skin off my nose

Moses: Ro will probably resent you though

Carly: me & ro is me & ro, nothing to do w u

Moses: n’awh, you wish

Carly: yea course I wish youd quit acting up how you are 🙏💙🔮💜🤞🌠 

Moses: Who’s acting?

Carly: I just mean stop, can’t you?

Moses: For what, what have you done for me lately?

Carly: I’m doing no more for u

Moses: Then nah, I’m just getting started

Carly: why?

Moses: fun, of course

Carly: have your fun idc

Moses: sure you don’t, Carly

Carly: I dont long as you leave the others out of it

Moses: Ha

Carly: whats gas about that?

Moses: That you think you can have a say

Carly: youre only 😤😠😡🤬 @ me nobody else

Moses: I’m not mad at anyone? You’re just a waste of time

Carly: well then im the only 1 you 💭’s a waste of time

Moses: You can’t tell me what to do, they’re my family

Carly: ah sure fucking behave like they are

Carly: u dont care for nobody but yourself

Moses: 😤😠😡🤬 psycho, you

Carly: am I now?

Moses: There are people that will give you a slap for how you’re carrying on

Carly: how am I carrying on? we’re talking w out me going on to put your dick in my gob, yea? is that how u mean?

Moses: so here’s the hysterics 🙄

Carly: nah, im asking serious, what am i here up to thats wrong of me?

Moses: You’re calling me a bad brother, like you have a clue how to be there for anyone, like you didn’t fuck your supposed friend over on his birthday, then offer me up your other one so I didn’t hurt you?

Moses: Get a grip

Carly: you are a bad brother, you gave me to him & made him feel like a massive eejit on his bday cos u had to tell everyone all his business & put it about

Carly: youre trying now to get him & your cousins onto making life hell for me, whatever thats to involve

Moses: You’re not meant to be a thing that can be passed around but you are so what did I do wrong, exactly?

Carly: we couldve kept it between us & not made him feel shite about anything

Moses: He feels shite because you were a disappointment, sorry, girl

Carly: maybe i was but thats not all of it

Moses: It were his first time and he wishes he’d waited, that’s the truth of it

Moses: but blame me, yeah

Carly: I know what the truth of it is, hes my friend

Carly: whenve u last talked to him?

Moses: Some friend you are, love

Moses: You knew he didn’t want to

Carly: I didnt force him to but you forced him to yours by keeping on @ him in the group chat for the rest to see, theres the difference

Moses: Sure you didn’t

Moses: ‘cept by that logic your step comes after mine so you’re not exactly innocent, he’d already been forced

Carly: we couldve sat there for however long & he couldve said whatever he wanted happened, he knows that

Moses: He knows what he’s to do, what’s expected of him

Carly: I dont expect nothing, you do, how are you gonna keep up your blaming of me?

Moses: If you weren’t there making yourself available for everyone’s use, he’d have had no one to do it with

Moses: or did I force you to be that much of a whore?

Carly: hes not once called me 1 ever

Moses: to your face

Moses: that’s what you are to us, girls like you, though, don’t bother believing you’re friends, it’s not the truth

Carly: in truth hes not a lad like you & thats got u bothered

Moses: I know my brother

Carly: me too i know yous all

Moses: Christ alive, it’s like talking to a plank of wood

Carly: 😅 we can stop, how am I forcing u either?

Moses: I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone as thick as you

Moses: you’ll actually benefit from all that extra schooling

Carly: gorja girl perks

Moses: Yeah, you’re very lucky

Carly: 🍀🐇🌠🎲

Ali: [Alright, so it is Monday and instead of school, cali have been catching up on all their boy drama/going up the mountains/getting high/just generally vibing all day, so clearly it’s around the time y’all are off of work to be here when we’re getting on our bike to go]

Ronan: [gonna say he waves when he sees her leaving Carly’s because they are neighbours, like his caravan is nearest her mum’s, but then like she has a tiny bike drama she could so easily fix herself like a twisted chain or something idk it doesn’t really matter, the point is he bimbles over to help and that gets them in close proximity]

Ali: [starting to do the I’ve got this/you don’t have to sounds, waving him off but he’s there by the time you’ve had chance to start so converting it into a ‘thanks’ with an awkward smile that we’ll pretend is just oh what am I like at this irrelevant bike drama]

Ronan: [a shrug as he’s taking over and fixing something she could easily do, me like if Johnny sees this he’s gonna be fuming lol, but anyway then doing the thing of like I need a drink after all that, join me, all non verbally in gestures and looks and vibes because he thinks Carly will have told her what’s happened and she’ll feel some type of way about it and they already left things awkwardly so]

Ali: [can also start the jali with you seeing this girl here tryna leave like excuse me lmao but right now we’re smirking and shaking our head at this boy’s amdram here ‘anyone would think you’d never done a day’s work’ like lol okay princess, but of course, we’re following you and accepting because clearly, this latest development did not come up between cali]

Ronan: [when Carly didn’t say a word however high she got to protect you sir and you’re about to out yourself, oops ‘what it is, is, I just have’ with that same kinda awkward oh what am I like smile as he wipes his sweaty brow OTT dramatically like lol and leads her to sit outside his caravan or wherever and gets them both a drink whether that’s alcoholic or non]

Ali: [doing a laugh ‘me and my bike are honoured’ like thank you so much for doing the extra shift just for me ‘some of us have to’ as we’re getting comfortable sat down here because the energy is I have not been working at all, obviously, sipping this drink in an OTT smug way about it]

Ronan: [‘as you should be’ joining in with her laugh and sitting down next to her though he doesn’t look comfortable he looks like he needs to have a chat and is feeling v awkward, taking the kind of swig of his drink that reflects that, after an agonising beat ‘she’ll have told you…’ no hun she did not]

Ali: [about to say something along the lines of can we just drop this, in the nicest way though, because we think this is just about the awkwardness over text and we don’t think we need to do all this about that but then he throws that out so you literally blink like what? ‘She’ll have told me what?’]

Ronan: [doing the kind of noise you do when you think somebody knows already but they’re just trying to make you say it, taking another drink as he scratches the back of his neck how boys do when they feel awks and wanna die ‘about what happened’ again, no she did not, shhhh]

Ali: [‘I don’t know what you’re talking about’ making it as clear as you can, like trust me, I’m not lying here, raising your hands with that energy ‘are YOU gonna tell me or…?’ shrugging like fine, NO ONE tell me, kind of annoyed]

Ronan: [‘Right no, I should’ve reckoned on her not saying’ lowkey talking to himself, either peeling the label of this bottle or pulling the ring pull off the can and messing with it, whichever kind of vessel we’re drinking from ‘ah well, I don’t wanna now’ as if we can now backtrack and downplay this and make it jokey again but you simply can’t when you came in serious]

Ali: [just staring at him for a hot sec like really, is this what we’re doing? ‘By all means, have your little secrets’ putting your drink down like if that’s all, I’m leaving because why the fuck did you stop me just to let me know that Carly didn’t tell me something that’s clearly important]

Ronan: [‘Ali, come on’ in that you don’t have to go kind of tone and manner when I’m on her side here that she very much is within her rights to, boy, you’re handling this shockingly]

Ali: [raising your brows and looking at him like what, what do you want? ‘What do you want to say, Ronan?’ because truly, now we’re just mad and we were fine before]

Ronan: [‘If she’s not brought it up to you, I’m not here looking to make it into something, I only thought, had she, I needed to check again we’re alright for it’ way to say a whole load of absolutely nothing there, wow]

Ali: [folding your arms whilst he’s talking like let me get comfortable but show you how unimpressed I am by everything you’re not saying right now ‘She doesn’t tell me anything, clearly, makes two of you’]

Ronan: [‘maybe she thought she was not to, same as before’ with a shrug not like this is casual but like him and Carly haven’t talked about it cos they clearly have not whenever it occurred, not like he dramatically ran away after or anything but I imagine he/they fell asleep and then the next day carried on hanging out like nothing had happened/had a full irish with her mum etc etc and then he left kind of vibes ‘not that it were… same as before, I mean’ oh the awks]

Ali: [‘are you telling me you’re with Carly now?’ blinking at him again because the way this information is coming to you feels so random when you’ve just spent all day with her and now this boy is here barely saying anything, clearly for some kind of reason]

Ronan: [dramatically choking on the mouthful of drink he had just taken because horrified at the implication him and Carly are more than friends/fwb clearly, soz girl, all these boys are so shady to you ‘god, no’ when he can speak ‘I’m not saying that, like’]

Ali: [stepping back like you’re about to get sprayed in this liquid but as it is more of a side step, still thumping him on the back like get it all out ‘but you got with her again’ because at this point, that much is apparent]

Ronan: [‘it never went as far, but yeah, we… things happened’ going SO red and not because he just nearly choked to death, just pure embarrassed to be talking about this even in the vaguest of details]

Ali: [nodding like okay, I understand, trying to put him out of his misery about it like you don’t also feel awkward yourself ‘what happened to just being mates?’ as a genuine question]

Ronan: [chancing taking another drink in the cautious way you gotta after choking cos you don’t wanna again or cough but your throat hurts so you feel like you need to ‘we are just mates’ scratching his head like how to verbalise this ‘only, she was being such a good mate to me, one thing lead to another’]

Ali: [picking up your drink again so when you roll your eyes you’re at least half facing away from him so it’s not a full-on attack lol, taking your own swig so you don’t say anything really rude either ‘good for you, like?’ leaning like what do you expect me to say to this, boy]

Ronan: [‘we’re mates, yeah? And we…’ trailing off cos there’s no need to elaborate on what happened that day in her attic when she was there ‘you know, there don’t need to be no aggro, or whatever the word is, about it’ I love that we’re making this comparison when you aren’t just friends with Alison sir, at least you don’t want to be]

Ali: [‘I have a boyfriend, so you and Carly can do what you like, doesn’t affect me’ bold move but we’re not happy you just told us not to get aggy basically, like me, I do not care AT ALL, mhmm]

Ronan: [‘You what?’ no notes, just PURE shock, shooketh to his core in fact, and that’s evident on his face and how he said that]

Ali: [Ahh the insta-regret when you say something you know is gonna pack a punch just because you’re feeling hurt, you can’t take it back now though ‘I mean, I can’t join in being special friends now so it’s totally fine that you left me out anyway’]

Ronan: [the way he completely and utterly sweeps everything she said then aside in his absolute shock and hurt ‘From when?’ because you can’t fathom her having a boyfriend and you not knowing ‘You’ve had a boyfriend from when?’]

Ali: [‘when I left here, the other night’ because as far as you’re concerned that’s not a lie, it’s more of a lie to use the b-word when I don’t think y’all ever have but you know, it’s exclusive ‘I haven’t had time to say anything before you came over and ambushed me with… this’ gesturing like WTF is this]

Ronan: [‘We talked when you’d left’ because y’all did and as far as he is concerned you could’ve told him then, again no notes, absolutely shocked and devastated here like wtf himself]

Ali: [‘I wasn’t after changing my Facebook and making an announcement’ rubbing your temples because now we’re both going through it and this was not the way to handle this ‘I’m sorry, I could’ve said then’ conceding the point, in a quieter voice]

Ronan: [a nod because he was gonna do the whole you could’ve told ME but then she said it herself, finishing the rest of his drink dramatically because can’t be overstated how shook and gutted this boy is on this day ‘does Carls know?’ said like you feel like you already know the answer that yes she do and he’s just wondering if she knew when they were getting up to their antics]

Ali: [doing your own massive swallow but without any drink, probably having dropped yours on the ground by now, just nodding because yeah, she does, we’re not lying about that of all things at this point ‘do you still want to be friends?’ taking a slightly defensive edge in an otherwise apologetic tone because you still stayed friends with them after this debacle]

Ronan: [when she confirms that Carly does indeed know ‘fuck’s sake’ and throwing his empty bottle or can into the grass ‘who needs friends like either of yous?’ rude but you’re hurt, we get it, literally doing a diva strop inside and away from her]

Ali: [‘all good when you’re getting what you want though’ as he’s huffing off, so you aren’t fully yelling it across this site but loud enough that he’s hearing despite going in the caravan, pushing your bike into the grass even though that’s illogical and storming off yourself without it]

Ronan: [that went well lol, if you wanna cali at me btw in regards to that bombshell feel free]

Ali: [oh lord, alright, just carry on the peak drama of it all]

Ali: [private at Carly then because we don’t need to bring in anyone else lol]

Ali: You had all day to warn me, to not let that happen, thanks a lot

Carly: I’m sorry?

Carly: whats happened? 

Ali: You and Ronan happened, again, or had you forgotten?

Carly: oh that

Carly: he never said nothing to me about it I didnt think he would to you

Ali: Well, he did

Ali: he assumed you’d tell me, as we’re meant to be friends

Carly: why are u 😤😠 @ me?

Carly: i didnt tell you about me & him before cos its how he was after me behaving, I reckoned on this being the same

Ali: No, it’s not the same because everyone knew that happened, you had nothing you could hide

Carly: yea cos of moses & it hurt ro

Ali: We’re not talking about Moses

Carly: idk maybe I shouldve said but we’d not even talked about it I had no clue what I was allowed to say

Ali: For God’s sake

Ali: well I’ve just had to discuss it

Carly: I’m sorry if id reckoned hed do that I’d have told u 1st

Ali: it’s too late now, so forget it

Carly: no please

Carly: I’m sorry

Ali: I had to tell him I have a boyfriend

Carly: well fuck

Carly: k I’m really really really really really sorry

Ali: Why would you not tell me? As if I would tell anyone

Carly: I didn’t know what to do

Carly: we was friends again & the whole time I had how that other dope boy said friends don’t fuck in my head

Carly: I could see how i might be ruining it again but i didnt quit acting up, I couldn’t

Ali: Maybe he’s got a point

Carly: & Moses does

Carly: theres something wrong w me

Ali: I can’t do this with you right now, I can’t

Carly: k

Ali: [Private at Ronan, either later that evening or the next AM, given some time, is the point, but haven’t left it either]

Ali: If you actually want to talk about any of it, might be easier on here

Ronan: I don’t know what’s to be said

Ronan: do you want to talk?

Ali: I just thought, that conversation probably didn’t go how either of us intended, so

Ali: if you want, yeah

Ronan: It didn’t go grand, no

Ronan: not my best craic chucking things ‘round the place

Ali: Not as if you aimed for me or anything

Ronan: Still

Ronan: By god, I just can’t believe you’re with someone and you didn’t tell me

Ali: You should get it, how dramatic it feels to tell someone something like that

Ali: as well as awkward 

Ronan: Yeah, but that don’t mean you have your own little secrets, like

Ali: It has been days, it’s not like, you know

Ali: and we haven’t repeated anything since summer

Ronan: You invited me back over your house at the weekend

Ali: It was just for the bonfire, genuinely

Ali: but I see why you’d think otherwise

Ali: it’s not that I didn’t like it, or I don’t like you no more, I just can’t right now

Ronan: Is he coming, your boyfriend?

Ali: nah

Ronan: So you was going to let me keep on thinking I were invited there different to how I am?

Ali: I didn’t know you thought that so how could I?

Ronan: It don’t matter now, I’ve been told how it is

Ali: Were we not friends then, like at all?

Ronan: You can’t be doing that like I’m in the wrong here

Ali: How am I any more than you

Ali: How many people have you slept with since kissing me, Ronan, come on

Ronan: 1 person, same as you

Ali: There you go then

Ali: I never stopped being mates with you

Ronan: I’ve not stopped, yesterday put the wind up me

Ali: yeah

Ali: I wouldn’t have told you like that, shouldn’t but I felt like you’d ambushed us

Ronan: I had thought you and Carls would’ve talked all day about me, I was only after getting my side in

Ali: Sorry to disappoint, like

Ali: I don’t know, she thought she wasn’t ought to, something like that

Ronan: Might be she reckons we ought not done it, that I shouldn’t’ve started it, I don’t know 

Ali: I’m sure she wanted to

Ronan: But I fucked up

Ronan: going there to cheer her up and she ended up doing it for me instead, playing my fave songs, putting on a film I like, all this I had no clue she had the knowing of

Ali: There you go then

Ali: was hardly your idea, was it

Ronan: She was being a good mate, I wasn’t

Ali: Whatever, I don’t want to hear about it

Ali: You’re both single, it isn’t a crime

Ronan: My own brother has only just got done himself using her, it feels like if it’s not it needs be

Ali: If you actually believed that then you wouldn’t have done it

Ronan: I don’t like her that way, I don’t know why I done it

Ali: Really

Ronan: She’s there, it’s easy

Ali: and you want me to be happy for the pair of you?

Ali: or believe I’m any different to you, was

Ronan: You weren’t happy hearing it when you know you’re different to me and we would’ve been happy ourselves

Ali: Things happen, outside our control

Ali: if you don’t want to use Carly, then you should stop, I’m not going to pretend it’s great when you’re telling me otherwise

Ronan: Yeah

Ali: I didn’t mean to meet anyone else but I did and I’m sorry

Ronan: And I didn’t mean for this with Carly

Ali: I know

Ali: it’s just going to be different, there’s no avoiding it

Ronan: Long as you don’t avoid me from here on

Ali: I can’t stand being third wheel, makes me wanna puke

Ronan: I’m not with her, you won’t be

Ali: Mm, you say that now but I still feel like you’ve got a secret I’m not in on

Ali: I know it’s stupid

Ronan: You’ll see at your party, all of us how we was before, just friends

Ronan: no more messing

Ali: It might be a piss poor idea letting every dickhead know where the Brit family lives, like

Ronan: I’m not that put out you’ve got yourself a fella I’d not protect you and your family

Ali: Thanks, Ro

Ali: you can tell them I’m not even one, see if they believe you

Ronan: Your accent is all over the place, could say there’s something wrong with you, you’ve a disability or whatever

Ali: Charming

Ali: no, I don’t think I shall be faking that for sympathy, slippery slope to breaking my own kneecaps

Ronan: How you talk’s charming, in fairness

Ali: You been up Derry way before?

Ronan: [tell her when you have if you have or where near there if not, idk how much you’ve travelled around lads]

Ali: Ah, I’m going to go there myself one day soon

Ali: ‘course my daddy would never step foot back so it isn’t a family holiday idea, like

Ronan: You don’t have need of him to take you, I would

Ali: Really?

Ali: could make it a roadtrip

Ronan: Sure, I keep telling you I’m your mate still

Ali: I’d miss you if you weren’t, so I’m sure glad of it

Ronan: I’d miss you more if I weren’t

Ali: Don’t make it a competition now, boy

Ronan: Ah now, is and I’ve won it

Ali: Oh and I suppose I’m to let you have that?

Ronan: You off school again?

Ali: It’s always a possibility

Ronan: I’m wondering how else it is you mean to stop me having it, why I ask

Ali: Ahh, I see

Ali: arguably you can’t have it no more for being at work, that logic

Ronan: We’re driving to a job down [somewhere far enough away they’re in the car for a while] or you’d get nothing out of me and reckon I’m sulking 

Ali: You, sulk? 😱 No… never…

Ronan: Ha

Ali: Okay, too soon

Ali: who are you in the car with today?

Ronan: [tell her, could be hilariously awkward depending who lol]

Ali: Never going to be a quiet journey then, don’t feel too bad for keeping you from having a kip

Ronan: Slept like a log last night as it goes, you’re not that much of a nightmare, don’t worry yourself

Ali: 👶👶

Ronan: How are you calling me a baby, schoolgirl? With your uniform on and everything, probably

Ali: Not all of us have supportive parents, tah very much

Ali: or jobs to hop on, feel sorry for me, like 🥺

Ronan: Nah, don’t wanna, too soon for emojis such as them

Ali: I didn’t know there was a list of pre-approved friend emojis, my bad

Ronan: I might write you 1 up

Ali: You should

Ali: and you shouldn’t bring up my uniform again, perv

Ronan: Here’s the slagging you’ve been waiting to give ‘til you weren’t on your good behaviour, I see

Ali: When am I ever on my good behaviour?

Ronan: True enough

Ali: Actual scandalous accusation, there

Ronan: Proper good word for you, there

Ronan: thanks a million

Ali: Now he tells me to stay in school

Ronan: When do you ever do as you're told by me?

Ali: Might not know loads but I know that’s not how friendships meant to work

Ronan: Is it not? What if we call it advice?

Ali: Bit pass ag but yeah, more legit

Ronan: Getting somewhere, so off to school with you

Ali: Okay, ma

Ali: Nothing better to do ‘less I fancy sulking myself

Ronan: Carls would say that’s - craic, too soon to quote her but I have

Ali: I’ve not spoken to her yet so you’re alright

Ronan: I’ll cross myself she says it herself too, be sick of hearing it

Ali: Wouldn’t hold your breath though, like

Ronan: I’m not the best at doing

Ali: I’ll teach you

Ronan: How are we going about that?

Ali: 🌊🌊🌊

Ronan: You’re after drowning me, is it?

Ronan: knew your costume were too good

Ali: Your memory is too good

Ali: I’ll have to lure you in the old-fashioned way 

Ronan: Give it a lash, girl

Ali: You’ve heard us sing, haven’t you?

Ronan: No, I’d remember if I had

Ali: Oh, that’s weird

Ali: suppose you haven’t

Ronan: You’ll have to have your party now, I’m missing out

Ali: It is a good reason to

Ronan: And I’ve sourced loads of fireworks already

Ali: Couldn’t possibly let them go to waste

Ronan: That’d be the day

Ali: Is it going to be awkward though?

Ronan: No

Ali: Not between us but what about Carly

Ali: and Bart, for that matter

Ronan: We’ll both of us talk to Carly

Ronan: and he’ll not, which is best

Ali: Alright

Ronan: It’ll be, swear

Ali: I trust you

Ronan: I’ll keep him busy blowing things up, he’ll take no notice of her

Ali: Sounds about right for yous

Ronan: There then, it’s no trouble

Ali: and no need for costumes, this time

Ronan: I’ve a fancy for it from the other night, maybe I’ll wear 1 even so

Ali: You fancy showing off in a ripped shirt again, s’what you’re meaning

Ronan: Who to? Your ma?

Ali: 🙄 everyone knows I have a fit sister, come on now

Ronan: I don’t know what you’re meaning, never heard nothing myself

Ali: Pisstake 😏

Ronan: I’ve work to do, leave your insults next to my list of mate emojis for later

Ali: 💪💪🧡👷‍♂️🥾⚠️💙

Ali: [Private at Carly, after the above convo]

Ali: Hey

Carly: [When I just know she’s been getting messy with Drew and Caleb because nowhere else to go and nobody else to hang out with, so obvs she is not at school and this reply is not immediate, but it is as soon as in the sense of she would the second she’s physically able to because she loves Ali with her whole heart]

Carly: Hey

Carly: I’m sorry

Ali: Me too, I just needed time to cool off before I could deal

Carly: yea, I get it & its k 💛

Ali: I’ve talked to him and he’s going to talk to you too so it can all be sorted, okay

Carly: ill keep an eye out for texts from him

Ali: It just made me feel like I’ve been telling you everything about Johnny and you were keeping that from me

Carly: i just couldnt have u think about me how everyone else does, I can’t

Ali: I wouldn’t, I don’t

Carly: theres no getting it out my head, what moses said, Ive tried I keep trying fucking everything 🍭🍬🚬🌿🌼🍄🍆🍺🍷🥃🍸🎱🔮🎈

Ali: He just wants to infect your head because it keeps him in control

Carly: but hes right, he is

Carly: thats why theres no way to be rid of it

Ali: He can’t be, he’s too far up his own hole to see anything

Carly: you felt it about me

Carly: & I cant blame u I dont

Ali: I was more hurt that it felt like a secret, not that it happened

Carly: idk how to do this hes right there too

Carly: im only bad @ it

Ali: Shh, no you’re not, it can all be fixed 

Carly: [writing sorry out x 13 which I’m not gonna do cos I can’t count and will lose said count, but it’s Ali’s lucky number and she knows that so]

Ali: It’s all okay, he’s wrong about you, he doesn’t know anything 

Ali: I’m not mad at you

Carly: I feel like im going mad here ❤️🐇🐛☕️🌹

Ali: Where are you? ⚫️

Carly: [send that location wherever you are with these trash lads]

Ali: Oh no, not them

Carly: dont be 😤😠 @ me when you said u wasnt ⬆️

Ali: I’m not, they suck

Carly: i needed 🍭🍬🚬🌿🌼🍄🍆🍺🍷🥃🍸🎱🔮🎈

Ali: Yeah, I know

Ali: You could leave now though, right?

Carly: w a 🦽💜 sure

Ali: I’ll see what I can do

Carly: ive missed u so [x 13 again] much

Ali: a wheelbarrow is more likely… not seeing an emoji for that though

Ali: I know you were only trying to be nice

Carly: cute 🐌🍂🐛🌼🍁🌻🐞🌱🍄 sorry i dont fit in your 🚲 basket 💐🍏🍓🍊

Carly: he 😍💋🥰💋😘💋 me I wouldn’t of 1st

Ali: He told me, yeah

Ali: You can 💋 whoever you want to

Carly: no I cant

Carly: never if it hurts you

Ali: I don’t know, I just don’t want to be left out

Carly: I love u more than anybody I’ve ever 💋

Ali: You’re so high 🍭🍬🚬🌿🌼🍄🍆🍺🍷🥃🍸🎱🔮🎈

Carly: yea which is how you know its true ❤️🧡💛💚💙💜

Ali: Is that the rule?

Carly: too high to tell a lie, i dont reckon i made it up myself im not smart enough to have

Ali: You’re plenty

Ali: I’ve seen the quotes about sober hearts and vodka being truth serum, etc etc, so, you must be on to something

Carly: where r you? school?

Ali: Does sound like the sort of wisdom they’re throwing around

Ali: I was back home after hiding from the ‘rents, planning a day in bed but I’m coming to find you now

Carly: no 🥺 stay in bed baby dont be getting yourself out for me ☁️💫✨

Ali: If you wanna stay with them, that’s okay

Ali: I can’t be hanging with them rn though, ick

Carly: i only dont want u 👀 me when im covered in them & youre not to do no rescue with your 💙💎☄️🧿🌌🌊 eyes closed

Ali: I don’t blame you

Ali: dunno what to do with myself now

Carly: sorry we cant see each other i 🙏💙🔮💜🤞🌠 we could

Ali: We still have the party this weekend, and to go shopping for it

Carly: yea 🔥🦋👠🍄🦔💃🥁🧨🪓🍁👢🍎🧚🍂🦊🪐🔥

Ali: It’ll be like before any of this bad shit happened, promise

Carly: if you say so, you’re magic

Ali: He’s promised too

Ali: they’ll be all busy with their 🔥🎆🎇🧨 no drama

Carly: ❤️🧡💛

[deadendkid4201]

I'm sorry if me describing that nightmare i had made you afraid to ever say anything again or think I would ever actually do anything like to you I just have extremely scary and violent nightmares I can't control it really seems you're never gonna speak again....maybe you're pregnant idk...maybe he found out or maybe you made the decision for yourself like the night I found dustin in our room....well your old room....not to long ago there was a brief moment in a nightmare where I got to visit your moms trailer she invited me in warmly we talked about you and what happened and I apologized to her for basically just being a bum in her house and everything else I did that I felt was wrong that I did to you and her...shortly after I walked out side sat on those rocks outside your window stared at the sky and was trying to decide whether to end right there or not but I woke up...you could have stopped posting for so many reasons and maybe all of them at once I have no idea what I do know is I truly don't believe any girl is even remotely capable of comparing to you and I don't belive for a second I'll ever fall in love or find a girl who cared and loved like you did I know I have said these things a hundred times but it's true...everytime I go to my buddies in brewer I see him and his girl and the kids and they are about to marry and he brings you up all my friends do but when I see that I just fall apart because I could've had that with you....but it's just never coming back...I'll always love you and I'll always miss you goodbye jellybug...goodbye christine I wish you nothing but happiness maybe you'll hear about what happened with me one day or maybe you won't maybe i'll make it through this life I really don't know but for now I'm still here i guess I'll never forget you christine you were and always will be the best thing that ever happened to me even to this day the times I spent with you were best experiences and times of my life and that'll never change...goodbye. 💙💔 @christinealicia

[musesgarden]

Hey lovelies, I've not posted in a bit, and for that I am sorry. :( I've been battling hard against depression and schizophrenia issues. It's been tough, and I've had some pretty awful times. Thorn of course has been wonderful (I mean for the most part, he has his faults like any person but he's good to be supportive once he understands I'm not just being a snotty brat, I'm really struggling).

Schizophrenia is... Well I wouldn't wish it on my very worst enemy. Which is saying something, because I kinda wouldn't mind if a plague caught up to them or something but anywho. Some people struggle with intrusive thoughts. I'd guess my schizophrenia is like if someone were struggling to not constantly drown in intrusive thoughts, but. As a therapist once told me, intrusive thoughts in people without schizophrenia tend to be in their own voice, because it is actually their own thoughts. The voices I hear from schizophrenia are not in my own voice. Imagine if actual literal demons from hell were given voices... And those voices remind you of every single one of your very worst flaws and insecurities... And urge you to do terrible things... On a 24/7 loop soundtrack all. The. Time.

On occasions, if I'm in a really really bad place, the hallucinations take visual form also. I see faces in half shadows. Everywhere. Sometimes they're grotesque. Sometimes they look just like normal people... Albeit standing over my bed at 3am when I'm trying to sleep. Those horrifying sleep paralysis demon depictions people gave art form to? Thanks guys, I really enjoyed fueling that nightmare lol.

My most recent therapist told me that I'm high functioning. This basically means a person could meet me in public and never once recognize that I've got anything going on in me that might indicate mental unwellness. To the world, I appear a perfectly put together person. I can get a job. I can make friends. I can socialize. I can do the things basically, just the same as someone who doesn't see and hear things no one else does. I have enough control of my faculties to understand my inner soundtrack is a mental health problem, and so I don't mutter to myself like Hollywood depicts (huuuge eye roll here at the awful misrepresentation of many mental illnesses in Hollywood). I do sometimes self soothe, but it isn't rapid rocking and petting my hair or clothes or something. It tends towards spinning a ring I wear on my thumb, or picking at a spot on one of my fingers, chewing on the inside of my mouth or cheek (I really need to stop doing that tbh).

Anyways, long story short, I've had a shower, some coffee, painted my nails (pink and white with sparkly top coat!) and tomorrow I'll be going out to help Thorn get his mom's bills paid. I don't feel 100% (especially considering the Crimson Tide has washed in, hooray, eye roll) but I feel put together enough to manage. I feel able. Life isn't fantastic, but it's certainly much better than it has been for me in the past. Each day is just a step forward and a chance to do better than the day before. To anyone out there struggling, I see you. I hear you. Take a breath in... Let the breath out. Be kind to yourself and get help if possible. Each day is a new chance for things to be a little better than the day before. Much love. 💙💙💙

[m-jelly]

Hi Jelly! I loved the fic "Forgiveness is hard", it's heartbreaking yet I liked the fact that they found each other again. May I request for a spin-off and a sequel in one by it? Which how did Levi mourned and grieved all those years when he thought the reader was dead? Like visiting her false grave with only her arm buried down in it? Reminiscing their memories alone, crying days and nights whenever he thinks his last treatment of her? And sequel when they were finally have their own family but sometimes reader is distant because of bad memories and Levi would reassure her that he would not hurt her again. Hope it's not too much to ask for this and thank you Jelly, xoxo 💙

Sure! I'll put both in here. The spin-off of Levi in the time he thinks you're dead, as well as the sequel. I'll split them as well so you can see the two.

Forgiveness is hard. Spin-off and Sequel.

Pairing: Levi x Reader

Concept 1: Spin-off = What went on for Levi during the years that Levi thought you were dead. He visits your grave and is plagued by your hurt face and his wicked words.

Concept 2: Sequel = The war is over, you and Levi are married with kids. You're living a happy life with him, but you sometimes get nightmares and bad memories coming back from the past. Levi reassures you that his love is strong and he'd never hurt you again.

This story contains post-war Levi in, so spoilers.

Spin-off

Levi walked with his squad and friends as they moved the coffins of fallen soldiers. He had a lot of loss this time, a lot of dead people he cared for, but the one that hurt the most was you. He only had an arm and your ring. He clutched his necklace with your ring on.

He stood at the side of your grave and watched them lower your coffin down into the grave. He welled up and clenched up, then dove for you but Hange held him back. He tried to pull from her grip, but she held on and wouldn't let him jump into the grave.

Levi dropped to his knees as they threw dirt on your grace to bury you. "Stop! Stop it! Don't bury her! She'll be cold and dirty if you do."

Hange placed her hand on Levi's shoulder and spoke to the gravedigger. "Keep going. He hasn't expected his loss yet."

Levi doubled over and shook. "She'll be so cold and lonely."

Hange knelt next to Levi. "She won't be lonely if you visit her every day."

Levi nodded. "Yeah, every day." He stared at your grave. "Could you leave us alone?"

"Yes."

He gazed at your name on the headstone and felt his heart breaking. He cried your name, then put his head in his hands. He stayed by you until Hange collected him after a few hours. When Levi got back to the base, he had to face his room and all the things said there.

'So, you’re telling me I’ve been fucking a disgusting piece of shit titan all this time?'

He winced at his words as they echoed in the room and his mind.

'You disgust me! You are your people.'

Levi couldn't go a day without hearing something in his head about the things he's said to you. He hated himself for how he treated you. He wish he did better. He wished he would have just listened to you.

'Why would I want anything to do with Titan scum like you? Just touching you I’d have to scrub my body raw to get rid of the filth that comes off you.'

He couldn't sleep without remembering your broken and hurt expression. His head would make up scenes of how you faced your end, what you were thinking, things you might have said. His heart ached.

'Titans don’t have hearts! You couldn’t possibly love anyone or anything. You’re a disgusting beast that just takes from everyone and everything around you!'

He would sit in his office and see you around the room. He'd remember how you'd bring him tea, you'd give him random hugs and kisses. He remembered how he had you bent over his desk moaning his name. He'd go for walks and felt you walking right next to him. He'd look ahead and see you sprint, then twirl around and talk to you with a smile on your face.

Levi's visions became almost real that he reached out for you once, but you disappeared. He sat at his desk working one day and swore he heard your laugh in the hall. He threw his door open and made two scouts jump. He apologised and returned to his desk.

He sat there a little longer and heard movement in his bedroom. He perked up at hearing your sweet voice saying his name. He followed the voice and opened the bedroom to find it cold, dark and lonely. He searched for you and found an old jumper of yours. He picked it up, then pressed his face into it and felt his tears well up.

He sobbed your name. "I miss you. I'm so sorry."

Sequel

You walked out of the house with a tray with drinks and snacks, as well as medication. You smiled at your son and daughter running around together, then at Levi in his wheelchair with your baby girl on his lap. Isabel, Furlan and Hange were so precious and you named them to honour those you'd lost. Your intention with Levi was to have Erwin, Kuchel and a Mike.

You placed the tray down on the table next to Levi. "Here's your meds honey."

Levi smiled at you. "Thank you."

You leaned down and kissed Levi, then you kissed your baby Hange's head making her hum. "Love you both."

"We love you too."

You crouched and massaged his knee as your baby girl patted your face with her hands. "How's your knee now?"

He smiled at you. "Better. I think by tonight I'll be running around with the kids."

You leaned up and kissed him. "I told you to slow down this morning and last night."

Levi blushed. "I love my wife, okay?"

You giggled, then attacked your daughter's face with loving kisses making her squeal with laughter. "Little monster." You got up, then walked over to your two older kids. "Slow down your two." You loved how much energy your three-year-old and five-year-old had. You handed them their drinks and snacks. "What are you two playing anyway?"

Your eldest Furlan smiled. "Titans and scouts! Daddy told us all about what he did."

Isabel nodded. "Titans bad! Titans yucky! Titans must be stopped!"

You clutched your fist in front of your chest as all your bad memories came flooding in. You shook a little and welled up as Levi's horrible words came back to you. "Th-that so? W-Well, be careful. Excuse me a moment."

Isabel ran after you. "Mummy?"

Furlan whined and grabbed the back of your dress. "Mummy?"

You knelt and hugged them both. "I love you both. Mummy just needs to go inside."

They both watched you go inside and missed you. Your kids were very much glued to your hip and loved you strongly like Levi loved you. You were everything to them and Levi, so they knew something wasn't right.

Furlan held his sister's hand, then ran over to Levi. "Daddy? Mummy is sad!"

Levi lifted up Hange, then lay her in her little bed. "Look after your sister for me. I'll go check on your mummy. Stay by Hange and do not leave her side, got it?"

Isabel nodded. "Promise daddy."

Levi limped inside the house, then to the bedroom to see you sat on the floor with your head in your hands having a panic attack. He called your name softly, then stopped next to you. He sighed, then sat down at your side. "I might not be able to get up after this."

You sniffed back tears and giggled. "You're right."

He took your hand in his that had two fingers missing. "What happened?"

You sighed. "The kids said they were playing scouts and titans. They said titans were bad, yucky and must be stopped. It brought back a lot of bad memories."

Levi turned your left hand over and stared at your wedding and engagement ring. He frowned a little as memories of seeing it sticking out from under a boulder came to mind. "I'm the cause of the bad memories. I was such a fucking asshole to you." He locked eyes with you. "I'm so sorry." He squeezed your hand, then turned his head and tapped it against your shoulder. "I'm so deeply and truly sorry that I caused you so much pain. I promise you that I will never do that again. I am with you for life. I love you beyond words. I lost you once, I can't ever lose you again." He lifted his head and locked eyes with you. "I love you."

You smiled at Levi, then kissed him. "I know Levi. I know you'll always be there for me. I love you deeply and passionately. I'm happily married to you and our children are so precious."

Levi wrapped his arms arm you and dragged you to sit between his legs. "I adore you and I'll never ever let you go."

You snuggled against his chest and smiled. "Good, because I don't ever want to part from you again." You smiled a little and bopped Levi's bose with a finger on your left hand. "Does my left-hand freak you out sometimes?"

He nodded. "Sometimes. I'm glad you're all better. I'm glad you're in my arms."

You kissed his neck, then looked over to the door as it opened and Isabel ran in with Furlan behind holding his baby sister. "Intruders."

Levi looked at his kids. "We've been found."

Isabel hugged you. "Mummy okay?"

You nodded. "All better." You opened your arms. "Furlan, pass me your little sister. She's got to be heavy."

Furlan smiled and handed over his baby sister. "Love you, mummy."

You pulled him close with one arm and cuddled him. "I love you too. I love all of you."

Levi kissed the top of your head. "You're all precious and perfect to me." He sighed. "This is going to be a nightmare to get up."

Isabel giggled. "Daddy stuck."

He ruffled her hair. "I am for now, but when I get up I'm going to chase you down and tickle you all."

She squealed and laughed. "Daddyyy."

Furlan laughed and hugged Levi's arm. "Silly daddy."

Levi smiled. "I'm very silly."

[beyourownanchor6]

'cause they will run you down, down 'till the dark

rating-g | words-1.6k | read on ao3

-title comes from the song: way down below by kaleo which came on while i was writing this and just felt right <3

-this is the collaborative thoughts/ideas of mine and @xxfiction-is-my-realityxx hope you brought some tissues along emma!! 💙

It’s loud in his head, loud in the house, the silence surrounding him begging to consume him.

What’re you afraid of?

Eddie grips the baseball bat tighter, clenching his hands into fists around it. He just wants it to stop—the pain, the nightmares, the loss, just—all of it.

There’s another voice with him, one that’s too far away but that can never be close enough, not even when it’s right by his side, or coming through the phone speaker that’s currently lying next to him.

Buck is there, but not really. Eddie can’t hear any of what he says, the thoughts in his head tearing at the seams, threatening to put a crack in the wall he’s been holding up for far too long.

His face is wet from tears that won’t stop coming, the liquid all but staining his shirt as they fall down from his eyes. The tears make him feel weak, disappointed; why couldn’t he just hold them in—forever?

The phone slips from his hand, and Eddie lets it, blurry eyes watching as it crashes to the floor, but he can’t hear it, can’t make out any sounds.

With one hand free, Eddie brings it up to join the other, placing the baseball bat between his legs, gripping onto it tightly. He needs something grounding, something he can feel—touch.

It’s not enough; nothing is anymore.

Words Bobby said long ago float through his head on repeat. His Captain probably forgot them days later, but not Eddie; he never forgets all the pain he causes.

‘Control. You’re the guy who always keeps it together, no matter what. You don’t have to let yourself loose everything before you can allow yourself to feel anything.’

But he did, he had. There was no Shannon, no Ana, no trust from his son, no 118, no Buck, no…no anything. He’d lost everything, including himself.

‘When did you let him down before?

When did I not let him down? I’m angry at a dead person and myself and it wasn’t enough…I wasn’t enough.’

Nothing he does is ever enough, no matter how hard he tries no matter how much he pushes himself. He just—isn’t good enough. Not for himself, and especially not for Christopher. He doesn’t deserve what he wants, who he needs.

There are other words trapped in his head, ones from his dead wife, the mother of his son.

‘There won’t be a second chance; I can’t fail him, or you.’

But she had, and so had he; they’d failed each other.

‘You’re not the only one who feels alone.’

He feels more alone than ever now. He’s pushed everyone away, including himself. All he has left are these voices in his head, the ones that are screaming at him; he just wishes he could hear them, understand what it is they want from him. He sure as hell doesn’t know.

He doesn’t hear the door open, doesn’t hear the familiar steps that pad down his hallway, stopping once they reach his room. He can’t see anything, can’t open his eyes, not even when he feels those pools of blue rushing over him.

What’re you afraid of?

It’s Christopher’s words now, the ones that haunt him the most.

‘I don’t want you to be sad.

It’s ok to be sad buddy. And we’ll be ok, because we have each other, ok?

‘You could be dead next year!’

Those words have haunted Eddie since the moment Christopher uttered them. He can’t make them go away, can’t change them; quitting the 118 had proved that.

There are no guarantees in life. If you love someone tell them.

Eddie chokes out a laugh at his own words that chill him to the core.

“Talk to me Eddie. What’s—just talk to me, please. Tell me what’s wrong.”

Right. He’s not alone. Well, he is, just not in the physical sense; not anymore.

What’s wrong? Everything; nothing feels right anymore.

His thoughts continue to threaten him, barging into his mind once more. The only words louder than his sons were that of his best friends.

‘I think it might’ve been better for him if I was the one who got shot.’

How can Buck think his life is so meaningless, that he’s incapable of being loved? The idea is completely beyond Eddie. He’s spent enough years hating himself to understand, sure, but Buck is…well, he’s everything. Everything Eddie needs, wants, desires. But Eddie isn’t enough; not for himself, and certainly not for anyone else.

Gripping the bat tighter, Eddie lets out a hiss as the pull strains his cut-up knuckles; it‘a amazing he can still feel anything at all.

“Eddie, please just-just look at me.”

And Eddie wants to, he does, but he’s so ashamed, ashamed of how he looks, who he is, and everything that he fears. Buck deserves better than him; they all do.

He can’t open his eyes, can’t bear to face him. Just the thought leaves him feeling exposed, vulnerable.

“I-I can’t.”

It was but a choked off sob, Eddie’s face flooding with tears once more.

“I know Eds, I—I’m here…”

And he always is; Buck never gives up on him, even when Eddie has given up on himself. Buck is always there, trying to help him put the pieces back together. The pieces that are broken and jagged, the ones that might never fit back together again.

I’m leaving the 118.

Eddie shivers at his own words.

When he’d said that, he hadn’t quite known the affect they’d have on him, on his teammates, Christopher…Buck.

‘You can have my back any day. Yea, yea, or you could-you could have mine.’

“I can’t-I-I don’t have your back anymore.”

Bucks voice cuts through the noise, through the silence, reaching Eddie as it always does.

“You do, even when-when you think you don’t. And I’ll always have yours, no matter what. You can’t get rid of me that easily.”

Eddie chokes out a laugh, though it only makes the tears flow more.

“Hey, hey. It’s ok Eddie. Just-just breathe for me. Please.”

As Buck slows his breathing, puffing in and out in slow motions for him, Eddie hones in on it, trying to match his to Bucks’ His lungs feel stiff, like they haven’t taken a deep breath in ages, the sharp inhale nearly cracking his insides.

“That’s it Eddie, breathe, let it all out.”

He doesn’t have anything else to give, nothing left for anyone to take.

“I need, I—"

Eddie takes a hand off the bat, his fingers peeling from it one by one, until they drop back down to his side. It’s almost harder than taking the breath, but he manages, reaching out blindly until he finds the soft material of Bucks hoodie, the one he somehow knows is his own, Diaz lining the back of it.

Buck doesn’t move, doesn’t take, just—waits, waits for Eddie to fall into his lap, another blood curdling cry slipping from him. His arms wrap around Bucks waist as he practically throws himself into his best friend’s lap, dropping the bat with a thud that he doesn’t hear, doesn’t register.

As Buck finally moves, tugging Eddie closer, Eddie nestles into him, burying his face into Buck’s familiar scent, the one that reminds him he’s home—safe. He can already breathe a little easier.

When Buck’s hands come to his head, carding gently through his hair, Eddie trembles. It’s too much, and he wants to escape, knows he doesn’t deserve it, but as Buck’s fingers dig in further, Eddie can’t help but to bury himself into Buck’s embrace, taking what he wants, what he needs.

He doesn’t know when, doesn’t know how, but the silence is gone, his endless thoughts replaced by the steady beat of Bucks’ heart, Eddie’s ear placed right over his chest.

It’s hours they sit there like this, or maybe minutes—Eddie can’t say, but when he finally, finally opens his eyes, it’s to those beautiful blues. They’re red rimmed, surrounded by a sea of water, though dazzling nonetheless.

The movement causes Buck to stir, though he doesn’t say anything, simply watches as Eddie reaches a thumb up, swiping gently below his eye, brushing away the tears there.

Eddie’s voice is but a whisper, too afraid to break the calming silence that has finally found him.

“I’m sorry I made you sad.”

There it is, that smile Eddie loves and adores so much, the one that makes Buck’s birthmark rise just so.

“If you’re sad, I’m sad. That’s just how it works.”

Eddie wants to argue, though he can’t . What’s the point? If the roles were reversed, Eddie knows he’d say the same.

Bucks’ fingers pulled through his hair, brushing over the faded sides.

“I like your hair.”

A smile slips over Eddie’s face, something he hasn’t felt for much too long. Buck makes him happy, yes.

“I like your eyes.”

Buck laughs, and it’s like music to Eddie’s ears, his favorite lullaby, the sound vibrating through him.

Eddie watches as Buck brings one of his hands up, blues scanning over it before bringing it to his mouth, his lips softly brushing over his bruised knuckles. Buck repeats the same with his other hand, Eddie tracing his every movement.

Eddie wants to lean in, wants to take that final step, to allow himself what he needs, what he wants, but he can’t—not yet.

As if reading his mind, like only Buck can do, he whispers out, “I’m not going anywhere. We have time.”

And all Eddie can do is lean further into Bucks’ touch, sighing a bit in relief as Buck picks up his previous motions, rubbing one hand through his hair, the other holding Eddie’s hand so he can press kisses along his knuckles.

“Do you wanna talk about—any of it?”

What’re you afraid of?

Everything.

“I wanna talk about everything Buck, I wanna talk about me, about Chris, Shannon, you—us. Just—all of it.”

“Whenever you’re ready Eds, I’ll be here. No matter how little, no matter how long. You’re not expendable either, you know?”

He doesn’t , but he’s going to try his damnedest to get there.

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