#i wish i didn't somehow feel like i failed at being an educator. but that feeling is old too

[owlbelly]

spectacularly bad idea today to try to finally go through / organize / "deal with" the crate in my closet where i've stored everything related to the ~10 years of my life i spent as a teacher

i only managed about 1/3 of it. turns out the process goes like this: in order to answer the question "do i want to keep this [art/letter/photo/journal] for sentimental or posterity reasons" i have to put one of my feet into a hole labeled THE PAST, & to answer the question "should i keep this [lesson plan/handout/resource] in case i want to use it again" i have to put the other foot into another hole called THE FUTURE

& both of these holes are bottomless pits of trauma, disability & COVID grief

[the-lazyyy-artist]

Pairing: Yuta Okkotsu x Fem!Reader Theme: Fluff/Angst (just a tiny bit), College AU Author's notes: This is based on a personal experience. College really was something else.

Things you know about Yuta Okkotsu:

One

He was taking a degree in computer science. He once mentioned that he never wanted to take that degree because it wasn't his passion. He liked photography and wanted to pursue that instead.

You met him during your organization's welcoming rites. You were a new member; seeing him there, you assumed he was, too. But he was just invited to take photos of the moment. He was mesmerizing, quiet, and warm. You two never talked, but whenever he pointed the camera at you, it felt like he was talking to you.

Two

He was always worried. Despite being someone who walks and talks like he's the most confident person in the room, you learned that he constantly worries about things, especially during the student body elections. He was running for president, and he confessed that he didn't know how to act like a president when he won. He knew how to lead, and he was grateful that his other members were there to support him.

You told him that you asked everyone in your class to support him, telling everyone that despite being a quiet person, he was capable. He was glad to hear that. You two bonded with the experiences of being a leader, and somehow being the president of your organization and him being the student body president was the same thing.

Three

He likes liking all your tweets. He was always on Twitter, and every time you tweeted about your day or any random thought, he was quick to like it. He would reply or if it was something he doesn't want anyone to see, he would DM you. You always found it cute, so cute that you wanna hug him when he invited you for lunch when he saw your tweet about your friends leaving you behind.

He invited Maki with him, telling you that she was a friend. He kept on telling jokes that failed to make Maki laugh, but you were impressed by how good they sounded. Maybe because you liked corny jokes the most.

You said, "Thank you", and then sent him a message on Twitter again, thanking him.

Four

He never fails to support your artwork. As a Fine Arts student, you always posted your artwork online, and he would be the first one to compliment you, to say that you're doing very good with every art you posted. He would be the first to shower your Instagram Stories with hearts, and it would make you blush all the time.

You did the same with his photographs. You made sure that you followed his Instagram account that was dedicated to his shots, and you never failed to tell him that you were impressed every time.

"Ask me to be your model soon," you messaged him one time, jokingly, but deep inside, hoping he would. "Okay, I will," he replied.

It never happened.

Five

He seems to like girls with serious degrees. Electrical Engineering girls, Teacher Education girls, Nursing girls. He seems to like girls who can make a significant change in society when they graduate, at least, that's what you thought at that time.

He would dedicate posts about his girlfriend, lovely video edits, and ethereal photo shoots, making them feel magical and adored. You wished it was you, to experience how Yuta Okkotsu loves.

You felt like you were led on.

Six

He was still the same.

Both have graduated, grown, learned new things, and developed new interests (his was coffee and yours were historical books) and now, 10 years later, you see him point his camera at you during your college batch reunion. It was a big reunion so him seeing you seemed like a surprise.

You flashed him a smile, a smile that you gave him when you met him during your organization's welcoming rites. After he took your photo, you watch him run towards you, smiling.

"Yuta," you said as he came closer. He smiled so wide that it made your heart flutter for a moment. "Look at this," he said, showing you your photo. You looked magical, adored, the way Yuta Okkotsu shows his feelings. "I wished I asked you to me my model before," he confessed, still smiling. You were surprised with what he said, and you just laughed softly. "It's a little too late for that," you responded.

"I wished I knew sooner," he spoke again, gentleness in his eyes. You breathed. This was excatly how you wanted it to happen, but like you said...

"You were too late, Yuta," you tell him, raising your hand to show him a lovely diamond ring on your ring finger. Yuta's face fell for a moment, then he smiled. "I know I was. Congratulations."

Yuta walked away after a few more words were exchanged, watching him as he did.

Seven

He told you in those moments that him not being brave enough to ask you was his greatest regret.

[neopentane5]

I was wondering if you ever thought of making an analysis of makayuri? You somehow make your fanart feel like that could happen, the way you draw both of them, the conflict of Yuri. I wish I could find better words, but you're great tbh

I'm glad we can talk about my understanding of makayuri!

(Note: The following content includes headcannon)

For Makarov, he came from a poor family, had no other siblings, and witnessed his mother being abused by his father from a young age. He, too, suffered physical abuse from his father, which sowed the seeds of hatred in his heart. In one instance, he saw his father relentlessly beat his mother after failing to get money for alcohol, and after losing consciousness during the beating, he stood up and used an axe from their home to kill his father. Growing up in an environment filled with poverty and hatred, Makarov became a cold-blooded, ruthless killer. Seeing people around him suffer due to the lack of money, he secretly resolved to change the corrupt government and take money and power into his own hands.

Yuri's background is very similar to Makarov's, which quickly made them good friends in the military. Yuri also came from a poor family and couldn't even afford shoes. He resorted to theft, murder, and joining a gang for money, which led to his first love (a girl next door) leaving him. His initial motive for joining the military was simply to survive and evade the gang he had once joined. But due to his intelligence, he was soon selected for advanced education and joined the Spetsnaz. It was there that he met Makarov, who shared a similar background, though Yuri didn't know that Makarov had killed his own father. It wasn't until Makarov got drunk and revealed the truth to Yuri that Yuri understood Makarov and appreciated his decisiveness. The two men, in the snow, drinking vodka, and embracing each other, marked the first time Makarov felt understood and opened up to someone.

His trust and fondness for Yuri exceeded anyone else's. He didn't realize it was love, assuming Yuri was his soulmate, his best friend. He never spoke of this to anyone, but he always tried to help Yuri, whether financially or in life.

When Makarov was forced to leave the military, Yuri also got discharged from the Soviet army. Yuri thought he would have to go back to a life of hardship, but Makarov reached out to him. Makarov told him touching patriotic stories and invited him to help revive Russia. Due to his trust in Makarov, Yuri joined the Ultranationalists without hesitation. Their bond had transcended friendship, although neither acknowledged it as love. They understood it without words, even when they would get drunk, return to their room, kiss each other, make love in bed, and act like nothing happened the next day.

After Zakhaev's death, Yuri became Makarov's right-hand man. Makarov was highly suspicious and had to handle many important tasks personally, not trusting anyone except Yuri. He entrusted Yuri with a lot of sensitive information. Gradually, Yuri realized that what Makarov was doing was different from what he initially told him.

He didn't see the rejuvenation of Russia but instead witnessed bloody carnage and agonizing cries, all for Makarov's personal gain. Many subordinates couldn't see Makarov's deception as he always wrapped lies in eloquent speeches that convinced everyone. However, Yuri was the one who truly understood what was going on in his mind.

Yuri began to resent himself for not discovering Makarov's descent into darkness earlier and not being able to save him, and now it was too late. When Makarov invited him to witness the nuclear explosion with an orange mushroom cloud on the horizon, Yuri was stunned. The man beside him, who used to sit next to him and drink and smile, had become a bloodthirsty maniac. He began to distance himself from Makarov. He considered killing Makarov many times but couldn't decide when he remembered Makarov's warm lips on his. It was difficult for him to make a decision. All of this didn't go unnoticed by Makarov. Yuri couldn't kill Makarov, but he also couldn't bear to see Makarov's atrocities. When he learned that Makarov planned to massacre an airport, he was shocked. He could have killed Makarov directly, but he chose to inform the Federal Security Service of the Russian Federation out of his self-interest. He knew that Makarov wouldn't die from it, but he hoped to minimize the casualties and dent Makarov's confidence. However, what he didn't expect was that his remaining affection for Makarov would become a bullet in his abdomen.

Nikolai once introduced Yuri as "someone who hates Makarov more than Price," but the truth was more complicated. Yuri pursued Makarov for more reasons, wanting to atone for his past self. His soft heart had allowed Makarov to become increasingly insane, and he wanted to end it all personally. On the other hand, Yuri was searching for a suitable excuse to die. He knew he had done too many wrong things in his life and couldn't make amends. After falling into depression, he had been yearning for death. When Makarov shot him, Yuri felt a sense of calm more than anything else.

Makarov knew from the beginning that Yuri had betrayed him, and he was furious at Yuri's disloyalty. He couldn't accept that his only friend had betrayed him. He wanted to test how far Yuri had gone and if Yuri would kill him while he was asleep. But Yuri didn't, and Makarov felt even more anger at Yuri's lack of understanding, lack of support, and disappointment. His heart slowly gave birth to a more twisted thought: If Yuri couldn't stand by my side, then let me take his life. He shot Yuri in the parking lot, not hoping for Yuri to survive. As long as Yuri remained a symbol, he would always live in Makarov's heart, becoming a perfect lover. However, he didn't anticipate that Yuri would survive and become a key player in opposing him, causing him significant losses and eventually leading to his death. When he found out that Yuri was alive and had joined Task Force 141, anger filled his heart. He had only ever had Yuri, but Yuri easily betrayed him and found new friends. He not only wanted Yuri dead but also wanted to shatter the trust Yuri had built with others.

After firing three shots at Yuri on the hotel rooftop, he was dumbfounded. He remembered saying, "Every man has his weakness," and recalled every moment he had with Yuri. In that moment of bewilderment, Price seized him, and he ceased to breathe forever.

[smol-grey-tea]

Have you ever struggled with jealousy cause of your maladaptive daydreaming? I'm struggling with jealousy against a real life celebrity from my hometown living my dream life. I never thought anyone from where I'm from would be famous. But now they are & living my dream creatively. Also this person is beautiful unlike me. I'm not as talented, chronically shy & don't meet beauty standards thus I wouldn't be successful in this career. Plus my deeply religious upbringing & people pleasing wouldn't allow me to try & join. I can't even tell my parents I'm an atheist. It sucks cause only two years ago I used to pray my maladaptive daydreams would come true somehow. I literally need to find a way to stop being jealous cause this celebrity is all over the internet. I either have to drop social media or find a way to mute this celebrity on all platforms. I live on the internet cause I have zero friends. It's my daydreaming haven. Or I could just try "exposure therapy" & read the posts while 'crying' in JEALOUSY. I tried talkspace, cause I was to embarrassed to tell a therapist in person. But unfortunately for me my therapist didn't consider maladaptive daydreaming or my jealousy a serious thing. But I get an upset stomach every time I see a post of this celebrity it sucks. I hate this feeling I want to be happy for people not jealous. Especially when I know I'll never ever live out my daydreams. Usually I use celebs as an inspiration I don't know why I can't do that with this celeb...

Hi! It seems you found my blog from a post I made back when my blog was about MaDD. I do still have MaDD, even if I no longer post about it, but it's definitely definitely much easier to handle now. I used to have to pace every single day for hours at a time, so much that I would even have to pace while I was on sleepovers with my friend and would have to delay leaving my house for multiple hours for the purpose of daydreaming and pacing

You sound like you are not only struggling with the amount of daydreaming and how much time it takes out of your day, but also how it affects you emotionally and your view of your own life and such. And I know, it does suck. I did the same thing as you; I did try to wish my daydreams into existence, and at the age of 14 I tried to escape my own reality, thinking it was a simulation, thanks to the voices I heard.. I know what it's like to be so unhappy in your own reality :(

And I know how bad it feels when people don't take your experiences seriously. I tried to seek help at sixth form and when I described my MaDD as an illness similar to OCD, the counselor completely ignored the daydreaming aspect and how it affects me entirely and only focused on the compulsiveness of the pacing I do whilst daydreaming. I felt like I wasn't being listened to so I completely gave up on that. Therapists should prioritise the patient and what they want to focus on, rather than what they think is right or wrong.

It quite wrecked my education and I practically failed cuz the urge to pace was so strong I couldn't study and had to do all homework the night before. It was quite hell. It sounds like you are going thru just that.

To help you with this, I think I'd have to know a bit more about your situation and how similar it may or may not have been to my own. I'm going to assume that you still live with your parents and may still be in some kind of education, so you might still be quite young? And I don't know what country you live in, so I'm not sure what the health services are like where you live. Either way, here's my experience:

After finishing education, I tried to get a job. I managed to get about 2 and a half days into the job before having to quit because of the panic on the job being too strong. Nothing much wrong with the job itself, my brain just felt like I physically couldn't/shouldn't be doing that job

When I told the job centre about why I quit, they urged me to go to the doctor about the anxiety. It took a long while, since I'd never been to the doctor on my own before, but I finally got an appointment

I spoke to a doctor about my experiences and I've been on sertraline ever since then. On sertraline, my urges to pace/daydream still occur, but much less often and to a much tamer degree. It's a lot easier to ignore (altho it has been a while since I've gone a day without pacing 😬 my longest streak was 4 days, but my mental health has plummeted since my nan's funeral in February, so I've not been making as much of an effort to reduce pacing.... Wait, does that mean it's been like 4 months???? God..)

I think this got slightly off topic since you were actually asking me about if I experienced jealousy. I don't think I've had that experience necessarily but I do definitely relate to the experience of desperately wanting, needing that life, even if it's not even an objectively good one..

It sounds like you feel like this because of not recognising your own potential tho. If this other person from your home town can achieve it, why can't you? Even if you feel shy, I think it's still worth it to work on your skills in your own time and privacy where you feel comfortable

If fame and love is where this need is coming from tho, perhaps you could try and find love in other ways instead of looking specifically for being a celebrity? Altho, having experienced your experiences, I understand that it's not all just about the feeling the daydream gives you, it's about being in that world specifically in real life, so I understand if that advice isn't exactly helpful to you

I don't know about your specific circumstances but I highly recommend starting medication if you haven't already. It doesn't work for everyone but it has done wonders for myself and if there's a chance that you can get the same success, then it is 1000% worth it just to try. I was scared of it taking away my daydreams, and while your brain gets used to the change in hormones, things do go haywire for a bit, but then it evens out really nicely and, in my experience, my daydreams have stayed intact at least til today, so you don't have to worry about that ❤

Please don't hesitate to reach out if you have more questions. I do encourage asking myself and other MaDDers about their experiences, you'll get more help from them than from therapists imo. I don't want you to feel hopeless. I myself haven't experienced the jealousy but I am certain that you will find someone else who's had the exact same experience.

Please do not lose hope!!!! (*ˊᗜˋ*)ᵗᑋᵃᐢᵏ ᵞᵒᵘ for reaching out!!!!!! There is an end to this hell, I promise you, it is out there. I know how hard it is, I promise. But it is possible to live with your daydreams and not have them make such a strong impact on your life ❤❤❤ you are worth it, please keep trying 😊 (*ˊᗜˋ*)ᵗᑋᵃᐢᵏ ᵞᵒᵘ

[sapphyreopal5]

Hello. have a good time. I like your blog and read your posts. I understand that you are a person who is interested in science and research. It's valuable to me that you try to talk about things with knowledge and information. You put time and research into the post you prepare. Thank you for being here and thank you for your interesting posts.

I like reading and studying very much. But when I want to study, my mind goes somewhere else and I get tired quickly. I have a scattered and disorganized mind. I think about trivial things and I can't put them in order. I looked for a solution on YouTube and the Internet and even asked for help from people around me, but I didn't get any results. I have a very important exam coming up that can change my life (I failed this exam last year). You are an educated person. How should a person study to get the best results (especially with my situation)?

Hello Anon thank you for this ask, it means a lot you feel that this is something I can give a good answer on. And it means a lot also you appreciate my being here, I airboat you too Anon 🥰 As someone who is neurodivergent as well (was technically diagnosed with ASD when I was 6 years old), doing things the "typical" way was never going to work. When I was in college is when I started to care a lot more about school than I did in grade school. I don't know how much of my blog you've read but I stated in a couple posts previously that according to the mbti my personality type is ENTP. A big part of this does include I tend to see the big picture side of things and I like to go "backwards" from big picture to details, not vice versa which seems to be typical in classrooms. I always found the building up to the "big picture" method used in school to be quite irritating. With this being said, I'm also a big time visual learner, cause this is a very common dominant learning style with ASD people, and perhaps ADD/ADHD as well as some other neurodivergent conditions.

What ended up helping me on exams was actually taking the diagrams from say PowerPoint slides and putting the notes together onto there via Paint after doing "PRNT SCRN" then paste/holding down CTRL + V at the same time and of course crop/cut out the excess. I believe in consolidation when it comes to notes and everything else. I ain't got the time or patience to go reading through 7 pages of notes with very little visuals involved. Why do that, which is in my opinion highly inefficient, when a few diagrams with the notes attached surrounding the diagram could be way easier to do (and not to mention can cut down the number of pages for notes from 7 to say 3)? You know, help people actually visualize how all this information comes together but then again, what do I know ha ha.

Teachers and professors alike in my opinion teach too much in such a piecemeal, boring fashion and tend to have too linear of an approach to teaching. One of my Anatomy & Physiology professors said something I won't forget when it comes to learning because it is incredibly true. The more senses that are involved in your learning experience, the more your brain retains. That's why I say to consolidate notes with diagrams. Color coding things too, heck even if these diagrams with notes can somehow be accommodated with say an audio track somehow if you do wish to do so... THIS is the ticket in my opinion regardless of whether you're neurodivergent or neurotypical.

You can also check out this Forbes article here talking about learning styles. I also LOVE mnemonic devices, 'cause my short-term memory can be pretty crappy and it seems to favor remembering things when mnemonic devices are involved (ex. Acronyms, acrostics, rhymes and alliterations, chunking, visual images, etc.). For example, when I was in Anatomy & Physiology, to remember the difference between antibodies and antigens, "But Y 1? Because it's 1 antiBodY against 1 antigen") image derived from here. As you can see below, the antibody here is shaped like a Y and the Antigen attaches to the antigen-binding fragment below and how the antigens can be a variety of shapes for say a variety of diseases or some other biological substance.

Also, don't feel bad about taking breaks. Listen to music, play games in between, stupidly scroll online for a short bit, whatever makes you happy. If you're not happy studying, you're not going to do as well in that class overall than if you're enjoying yourself. I'm not sure what you mean by your situation personally but if you mean by a neurodivergent point of view, try what I suggested above.

[diamantefangs]

So I got a letter from the DWP that I "have limited capability for work and work related activities" (meaning: not fit to work) and I really don't know how I feel about it?

On one hand, it kinda feels like this is a sign for me to start taking my art much more seriously and become more of an artist than someone who enjoys to doodle. I've been playing with the idea for a while, next year I want to actually start dealing at furry conventions.

But there's a few nagging thoughts going on in my head.

One being it means that my mental disorders are actually much more serious than just laughing them off like I have been doing. And with Certain Topics™, it's made me think "wow that fucked up my whole life didn't it!".

The other is somewhat related to the first thought, but also not something I would ever think about someone else on disability: I keep thinking I've """failed""" somehow?

There's always been a pressure to be the "successful" member of the family, not like famous or anything: just the first one to be well-educated and has a normal-ish life. And in my scrambled egg of a brain, this has meant "you failed and this reflects on how the people you love have raised you". That pressure was self-imposed more than anything, but I still haven't spoken to my mum about the news.

I'm also not used to not having some kind of job or schooling. So I almost feel a little bit lost? I can still work if I wish to, but I know that right now I need to fully focus on the CPTSD and recovery. I kinda feel like a kid who doesn't want to take a bath, if that makes sense? Like, I don't like it but ultimately I know it's the best choice for my health.

[polestarneighbor]

Reading tag game! Tagged by @lincyclopedia. Tagging @kaindasorta because I don't actually interact with folks on this webbed site.

Last book I read: The Princess Trap by Talia Hibbert. Picked this one up from the library on a whim because I needed something fluffy to keep me from rereading astolat fic on a quiet day. It was exactly the kind of short and sweet I wanted, and with enough chemistry and kindness to make me buy forgiving the hero after some truly epic fuckups.

Book I recommend: for the last couple years, it's been a toss-up between The Duke Who Didn't by Courtney Milan or A Deadly Education by Naomi Novik. Depending on whether I think people need a lighthearted romance between two hilarious but uncommunicative goobers with a heavy dose of food porn (and RECIPES) or a fantastically written My Immortal AU with the best allegorical world building I've ever encountered. And also two hilarious but uncommunicative goobers. What.

Book I couldn't put down: Diavola by Jennifer Thorne. In this case I'm not sure "couldn't put down" was a good thing. Anna's gradual, horrifying disillusionment haunted me for a week straight, to the point that I was reading it in every spare moment I had, and it's stayed with me in the months since I read it. I've never understood so viscerally how it feels just to be fucking done, and I'm not sure I wanted to know. Be warned, ye who enter here.

Book I've read twice: I have a personal rule for the sake of my wallet that I don't buy books unless I have read them at least twice and preferably more. Also, I have four bookshelves in my bedroom. But I did once read Howl's Moving Castle twice back to back on a single plane ride, and it was totally worth it. The cover could use some new packing tape now, though.

A book on my TBR: Immortal Dark by Tigest Girma, out Sept 2024. I love vampires, especially vampire romances. I love magical schools. I love murder mysteries. I love gloriously ornate cover art. I need this book now.

A book I have put down: The Familiar by Leigh Bardugo. I really wanted to love this, but the way the protagonist kept getting constantly manipulated in very obvious ways was very frustrating, and I just wasn't hooked. So when a different Libby hold came in, I didn't even notice I'd lost track of this one.

A book on my wish list: Sorcerer to the Crown by Zen Cho. I'm very overdue for a reread, because I'm always keeping an eye out for it in bookstores and never finding it. Primarily what I remember about it at this point is a total sweetheart of a deeply unambitious Victorian Sorcerer Prime struggling and entirely failing to keep his recklessly ambitious protegée in check. Plus my favorite "all magic comes with a cost" tropes, irresistible.

A favorite book from childhood: There are so many. But today I'm going with the Percy Jackson series, primarily for the sake of the teenager I recommended it to a few days ago whose eyes kept getting bigger as I answered the questions "Does it have Athena? Does it have Hades? Does it have ZEUS?!?!?" Runner up is Freeze Tag by Caroline B. Cooney, for the ultimate "evil is human, not monstrous" fable.

A book I would give a friend: Uprooted by Naomi Novik. It takes a lot to make one of these lists twice (let alone three times under a pseudonym), but if you can top the charts for me in multiple genres you're doing something right. This somehow manages to have all my favorite fairy tale retelling energy while also being totally original. Absolutely gorgeous.

A book of poetry or lyrics I own: I don't read much poetry beyond Poe, so the closest I have is probably In the Night Garden by Catherynne Valente, which is technically a novel but feels more like a piece of art than a story to me.

A non-fiction book I own: the last one I bought was Bad Blood by John Carreyrou. I don't generally like nonfiction, but a good con artist is compelling in any medium.

Currently reading: nope, I don't pause to write Tumblr posts in the middle of a book. Finished two yesterday, will probably pick up the next tonight.

Planning to read next: The Last Devil to Die by Richard Osman, because the Thursday Murder Club is too cute. Ibrahim and Elizabeth have and will always have my whole heart.

[okayeojin]

loona reaction to dating a trans guy

💌 :: fluff :: [trans male reader]

a/n: i was on the fence about writing this... it makes me so teary knowing that someone trusts me so much and would feel comforted by me writing this for them. i was just afraid i wouldn't do a good job at it and failed to accurately represent the trans community. i have no doubt that all the loona girls would support you all regardless of your sexuality and gender identity, so there's that. anywho, enjoy <3

♡ :: heejin 희진

she has the muscles needed to take care of anyone disrespecting and misgendering you

overall very protective to the point that you would have to tell her to... not exaggerate lmao

loves every inch of you with all her might that she just can't stand the thought of people treating you poorly

would kiss every little part of your body all day

she would beat the shit out of your gender dysphoria or body dysmorphia or whatever it is that's hurting you

what she wants the most is for you to be happy and feel loved and appreciated, regardless of anything

♡ :: hyunjin 현진

if someone ever makes you feel uncomfortable in public omg

she's wrapping an arm around your shoulders like "who's bothering you?"

similar to heejin she's your biggest protector, she doesn't want you to face any sort of injustice or unfair treatment

if you came out to her after you started dating she'd be like "cool. so whatchu want for dinner"

like... she's so proud of you for finding the courage to come out and all and she'd be with you every step of the way but her feelings for you would remain untouched

♡ :: haseul 하슬

so respectful of every single need you have

would want to know more and more about your feelings, your experience, your journey...

that if you were willing to open up to her of course, she would never force anything out of you

she wanted to be a part of your life so bad and wished you knew you could trust her, always

tears up if you decide to tell her everything that was on your mind and what you had gone through, etc

would keep supporting you until the very end (':

♡ :: yeojin 여진

she would simply... not know how to behave

she would be unexperienced with dating in general i think, so she would be conscious of every little thing around you

what to say and what not to say, how to help, what to do...

you would have to guide her through everything

and remind her that you love and trust her a whole lot and that she didn't have to worry so much

she does it all because she loves you so much and wants you to be comfortable around her ):

♡ :: vivi 비비

as soon as you came out to her, she would start being careful about everything she says

which would lowkey make you feel guilty and you'd beg her to not treat you differently

she would be so distraught and would keep apologizing help

her love for you wouldn't change nor be affected in the slightest

would want to know your whole story so that she could feel even closer to you and make sure you knew you could rely on her

gets used to it quickly <3

♡ :: kim lip 킴립

she... wouldn't mind i think?

of course it would be a big change for her too, but you could walk through it together

she would adjust to the new situation soon, and would even suggest you to go shopping together or something

tries so hard to not fail at using your new pronouns and hates herself whenever she thinks she has offended you somehow

please reassure her 💀

she's a big baby and would constantly repeat how much she loves you

♡ :: jinsoul 진솔

if you came out to her after you started dating, i think she would need a second or two to process the whole thing

not because her feelings for you would change or anything, because she feels so strongly about you

but she would want to properly educate herself

both on the internet and by having a long heartfelt conversation with you

by the end of it you two would feel that much closer and ready to initiate this new chapter of your life together

♡ :: choerry 최리

couldn't care less

she's just a jar full of love, literally nothing would change about the way she feels about you or the way she treats you

would also never inquire any further about your transition journey or ask you anything more than you'd feel comfortable telling her

but she's always ready and willing to listen whenever you wanted to confess something to her or vent or let out some frustrations

she's such a good listener and she's so safe to be around

♡ :: yves 이브

mmh i hate assuming someone's sexuality but yves is the one i see being slightly more attracted to girls

but you're you! and she would love you no matter the path you decided to choose in life, and if that path meant living your life as your true self, then she'd be your biggest fan

again, she'd have to adjust to it and have a long long emotional convo with you

she really wanted to do things right

she would walk with you along the whole process, through bad and good things , together

♡ :: chuu 츄

would be unbelievably proud of you for finding the courage to be who you wanted to be, and would ramble about throwing a party or celebrating, etc

and you'd be like "but doesn't it bother you?" and she'd be "why would it, are u crazy"

goes to the store for you, buys you what you need, reminds you of your medical appointments...

remind you how awesome and worthy of love you are literally every time she sees you

so supportive and helpful always, she's be such a huge help to your physical and mental health <3

♡ :: gowon 고원

i think she would also need a while to process it

but then would feel guilty because you are the one facing the most issues, like... dysphoria and mental health and... she wants to help you as much as possible

would probably spend days on the internet and consulting the older members for help

then she would settle for asking you directly, reassuring you that she still loves you to the moon and back

but she wants to know from you if things are going to change and what she can do to be of any help to you <3

she's so emotional that you trusted her like that

♡ :: olivia hye 올리비아혜

no big deal at all, she would be super chill about it lol

she would slip up every once in a while, hating herself for misgendering you or something but it'd be done with no harm intended of course, maybe while she was half asleep

it would only occur if your transition had begun recently, otherwise she'd be well adapted after not too long

also i have this image of her going to the store for you to buy hygiene products in case you didn't feel like going, idk

masterlist˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥

[pandor-pandorkful]

Late night feelings I don't know how to articulate??

I remember wanting friends very badly in college and grad school, and when I was pretty young before I went to college I remember getting a lot of adult-ly reassurance that friends would just magically happen in college and it'd be great

But nobody told me I'd be experiencing the whole college shebang on hard mode due to brain stuff I didn't know I had

So like

I kinda made a few friends in college, and they all vanished immediately after we graduated.

Then in grad school my adhd co-morbid chronic anxiety made me into an unrelatable mess that craved company and parties but couldn't stand staying at parties once the noise density got to the point where I stopped being able to comprehend conversations

And I didn't have the confidence to ever say "I'm leaving bye" to anyone ever so I'd just book it at random

My rejection sensitive dysphoria was extra out of control in my final year, I had taken a year off to earn enough bucks to feed myself during the final lap of MFA, but that meant I was a stranger to a whole new group of cartoonists and I just didn't know how to break the ice

During the second semester Sasha V invited me to watch Drag Race with a group of our classmates, and that was the closest I ever felt to becoming friendly with anyone during my entire grad school experience

Of course I still felt way too awkward to initiate many conversations on my own, and we were all losing our collective minds trying to finish our thesis's

But like I said I didn't know how to say goodbye, and when my thesis was rejected (meaning I had a year to rework and resubmit it) my RSD just went nuclear and as soon as the graduation ceremonies and parties were done (or half done) I bounced away as fast as I could, went home to Iowa and fell into a deep ass depression

So I don't know what my point is, that I'm kinda bitter or sad that the adults in my life unwittingly lied to me about the lifelong friendships I'd form in college and grad school? That I had to struggle like hell to graduate both times, due to undiagnosed brain shit? Maybe all of it?

I made a half assed attempt to reconnect with some MFA friendlies on Facebook several years ago, but I was still too burdened by RSD and also came to the realization that I fucking hate Facebook so that went nowhere

Anyway I cherish that I have one single MFA mutual on tumblr, you know who you are and we never talk but you are valid and I appreciate you gosh darn it

But man I wish there was like a merit badge or something for hair brained fools like me who somehow managed to get through higher education with degrees in spite of the undiagnosed mental illnesses that were actively sabotaging us at every fucking turn.

And I guess maybe that's the point that my rambling brain's trying to get to? That I failed at socialization, but damnit I won at skool. I gots them degrees, those papers are hanging on the wall. They cost me too much, financially and emotionally, and they're completely fucking worthless to any job market. But. I. Won. College.

\o/

[fibrowarriorgirl]

Toxic positivity & chronic illness

This post is aimed mainly for the people who aren't chronically ill themselves, but for those who know someone dear to them is chronically ill. Although I think a lot of chronically ill peeps will be able to relate to this post.

"Stay positive." It's something that pretty much everyone hears in their life. In our darkest moments, we will always have someone telling us to be as happy as possible. Remember the last time you were upset, and someone told you something like this. How much did you appreciate this?

Sure, it can definitely help under certain circumstances. Let's say you failed a test at school. Your parents telling you "it's okay, better luck next time!" could actually cheer you up. But what if it wasn't just any test, but an important exam you failed. "Better luck next time!" is a lot less pleasing to hear. You failed your exam, you won't be able to go to your next year, all your friends did pass so you won't be in their class any more, and the next time you do the exam will be over a year from now. The phrase "better luck next time" sounds bitter more than anything. And definitely isn't appreciated.

We as humans often feel inclined to turn anything bad into something positive. It's a natural response. You see someone you love in pain, you want to be able to say something that will make it better. But we have to be realistic, there will be times when someone is in pain (physically, mentally or both), and there is nothing to say to make it better. And you trying to make it better, only makes it worse.

I've only had my fibromyalgia diagnosis for almost a month, but I've had episodic pain for over a year now and constant pain for almost 5 months now. Especially this last month has been rough with toxic positivity.

Receiving the fibromyalgia diagnosis was hard. At the time of being diagnosed, I didn't know too much about it. I had read about a few symptoms, but I honesty didn't think I could have it. So once I did some research, I was devastated with my diagnosis. And something I noticed, is that a lot of people were trying to help me by saying uplifting things.

"But Elke, what's so bad about that?" What bothered me the most, was that I wasn't even diagnosed for a week and people were telling me to cheer up. Telling me it could be worse, telling me what has helped them when they had pain once, it will get better, it will pass. And I always had the same response: "Let me be sad for a while."

I had just heard I had chronic pain. I have a very frustrating diagnosis. Doctors can't tell me what it is in my body that is causing all of my symptoms. There is no medication. I need mobility aids to get around. I will need a very intense form of rehabilitation. So yes, I was pretty depressed for a few days. The last thing I needed, was to hear it could be worse. I was grieving, grieving the life I once lived. I was in denial of the life I was forced to start living.

Maybe you're thinking that even though your positivity isn't welcome, but it can't hurt, right? Unfortunately, you're wrong. Being told that something could be worse, tells me I am bothering you, that my pain isn't severe enough to be upset about. Maybe that isn't your intention at all, but it is somewhat implied. We also internalise this way of thinking. I tell myself "it could be worse" so I can't feel bad. Even though my head can be pounding, my joints burning, with no energy in my body to do even the simplest of tasks, I'm still not allowing myself to feel bad. Because there is someone out there who has it worse.

Not only does this phrase negatively impact me, it impacts my surroundings. Let me take a friend of mine, who I will call Jane Doe for the sake of anonymity. Jane suffers from an undiagnosed eating disorder and body dysmorphia. And a few weeks ago, she told me she felt bad whenever she talked about her struggles with her body to me. "You're actually in constant pain, you have it so much worse." Do you know how heartbreaking it is to hear that? She is struggling with something I know can be so challenging. She is in (mental) pain, but "it could be worse." I am still here for Jane, I don't think of her pain as less or not as important as mine. I don't want her to feel like that.

Of course, there are many things chronically ill people are frequently told that do more damage than good. "I had pain here once, so I did x and y and it went away." We already tried x and y. We tried the whole alphabet. "It will pass." No, it's a chronic illness. It can get better, maybe. I could go on and on.

Discussing toxic positivity is awkward. Because I realise all of these things are said with love, with the intention to help, to put a smile on my face. So I don't want to point out that you're actually hurting me by saying this. I often will just smile and nod through it. And I get it, I really do. I too have done this in the past, I probably still do without even noticing. And I also understand that my loved ones also have to adapt to my new life. You don't get a handbook on how to deal with your chronically ill daughter/partner/friend/etc. So that's why I'm posting this, to educate.

Instagram account @unchartedmalady posted a quote a few days ago that inspired me to write this post. "We don't seek solutions or treatments from friends or family. That is what medical professionals are for. We want support, understanding and empathy." This perfectly describes how I feel about this.

I'm in pain, every day. Some days, I get a lot done. Maybe I'm in a little less pain, but that isn't necessarily the reason. I could be excited to do something, I could have rested a lot the days beforehand, maybe I just somehow woke up with more spoons than usual. There are also days where I am not able to do much. There are even days that I can only get out of bed to use the toilet. Maybe this is a really bad pain, but that also isn't necessarily the reason. I could have received bad news, I have just done something 'big' the days before and need to rest, maybe I just woke up with less spoons.

On my good days, I don't need much support. But on those bad days, I need you. And I don't need you to help me. I need to be able to tell you "today fucking sucks, this is why" and for you to listen. Seeing your loved one is in pain is uncomfortable, you will feel the need to say something positive to cheer them up. This might sound blunt, but learn to deal with that uncomfortable feeling. Some appropriate responses could be:

"Do you know what to do on days like this?"

"Have you been able to discuss this with (medical professional)?"

"I am here for you."

"I'm sorry you're going through this."

"Can I help you with anything?"

Something that I personally think is a great alternative to saying something positive is: "I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better." This acknowledges that you want to say something to help, but that you realise there is nothing you can say to help. And also, be honest if you don't know what to say. "That sounds awful, I genuinely don't know what to say." There is nothing wrong with being honest about that.

And to finish this post off, I am not here raging against everyone who has every said something 'toxically positive.' I am here educating about this. It's okay to make mistakes, especially if you didn't know about this. And maybe you will still make this mistake every now and again, that's okay. As long as you're trying. We're all human, we all make mistakes. If you're ever not completely sure how to handle a situation with your chronically ill loved one, please just ask (respectfully).

(Credit for image goes to uncharted malady on instagram. Click here to visit their profile)

[peaky-shelby]

The key | josh and donna

Words: 1.992

Fandom: the west wing

Ship: josh lyman and Donna

Summary: what would happen if josh had taken that key?

Dedication: @r20ebecca for waiting so patiently to read this.

Spoilers? Nothing important no.

Author's note: this is my first time writing something for josh and Donna pls be kind.

Maybe it was the way that the light fell on her or her discreet blonde curls that looked great on her. Maybe it was her make up today, she must have done something different otherwise it made no sense for her to look so different. There was something unique about her tonight, the way she smiled, the way she laid her eyes on him, the way she spoke with confidence he had never noticed before. He always knew she was a strong woman, he had felt her strength hitting him on the back of his head many times before, he had felt the strength of her voice yelling at him a hundred times before and he had met these confident eyes every day of he life for the last 8 years and more. But tonight it was different.

He thought about all that and more as he sat across from her on the table, he thought about the unexpected kiss and he thought about everything on in the few seconds he was there. She smiled at him, a sincere smile like she was reading his mind and telling him it was OK because she was thinking about it too. Was it inappropriate to let his mind wonder like this? He wanted to kiss her again, hold her cheeks, melt in his arms, surrender in her touch like a young teenage boy.

Donna suddenly looked away, taking his breath away as she did. Then in a slow but confident movement she placed an envelope with a key on the table and slid it towards him while the others laughed and talked about a subject josh couldn't pay any less attention to fight now.

He stated at her a little terrified, a little confused. A thousand questions ran through his head but before they could slip out his mouth the same way she slipped the key, Donna was on her feet, wishing everyone a goodnight.

"I'm turning in" she said while raising her glass and drinking it down what was left from her wine. Josh watched her closely while she did that. His eyes examining her like he was meeting her for the first time, trying to understand the signals she was sending. He didn't want to make a mess of this moment, what if it was all in his head. Hesitation was messing in his head like a tornado, polling data was being drawn in pictures. He looked at the key, his heart beating faster, he leaned in quickly and snatched it. Hid it in his pocket like he had just committed a crime. After she was out of his view he looked at the rest of the team, faking a smile now and then, pretending he was listening. He stayed there a few minutes longer before clearing his throat, capturing everyone’s attention and stood up, rubbing his suit.

“alright im off too guys. Don’t have too much fun without me.” He smiled, taking his drink from the table and swallowing it all down in one ago. He was definitely going to need it.

On the way back to the rooms, his head kept spinning and his feet kept shaking. Maybe this was a mistake, maybe he should go back and have another drink. Maybe this was a line he shouldn’t cross but then again maybe crossing that line had been delayed for way too long. Thinking about everything on and on again like he was listening to a broken record he didn’t even realize he had reached Donna’s door. He stood still like a statue, looking at I like he was expecting it to open by itself or even better fall on him and push him on the floor. He sighed, shaking his head, he was such a moron. “stupid—I’m so stupid” he mumbled to himself. He huffed and puffed and naught as much time for himself as he could, he slid his hand in his pocket, playing with the key with his fingers. What was holding him back? This woman had been with him since the beginning, this woman was his best friend, his most trusted person in the world. He placed on of his hands in the door and leaned his head on it, closing his eyes. That’s it, he thought, that’s why. That woman had been with him since day one, that woman was his best friend and fear of losing her was to high a price for having her. He couldn’t let himself have her, love her, hid her, to this day he had lost so much, he couldn’t stand to lose her too. “I can’t… “ he whispered, licking his lips “I can’t” he repeated and just like that he didn’t. He raised his head, let his hand slip of the wooden door and stepped back. He glimpsed at it one last time before turning his back and walking away. Still playing with the key, still wondering until-

“for a politician you’re a huge coward you know that?” it was her, standing in the hall behind him telling at him. He stopped immediately, looked back at her and then behind him making sure no one else was, watching.

He gulped “I’m not actually a politician” he pointed, the same old teasing smile on his face.

“sure you are” she said, crossing her hands to her chest and walking closer to him “you find a bill you like, a bill that is good but then they come and tell you it will ruin your picture so you back away like a coward and the whole education system fails-“ her voice was getting louder while she spoke. Josh was very confused. He made some hesitant steps closer to her, smiling.

“did you just compare yourself to an education bill? Because let me absolutely clear id never do that-“

“JOSH!” She snapped, startling him.

“OK we can’t do this here-“

“I’m not going to be the girl that waits for you until I’m old and gray and realize that I’ve spent my entire life doing just that-“

“did you perhaps have a little more wine than you should have-“

“I understand you have things in your mind you need to solve and I’ve been patient but I’m a woman josh I have needs-“

He grabbed her hand quickly, before she could continue the sentence and took her in the room closing the door. The room was dark and cold, for some reason she had left the air condition running. They couldn’t see each other but the could feel each other’s stares. Intense and terrified. It was a matter of who would speak first but for what it seemed Donna wasn’t in the mood to continue her speech and josh was too scared he’d get slapped in the face of he tried to say anything at all. Suddenly Donna sighed and leaned her head forward, her hair brushing his shoulder, only then he realized how close they were. “I’m sorry” she said, shaking her head and light curls “im sorry. I’m an idiot, I shouldn’t have-“ she was obviously trying to find the right words, josh smiled at her rumbling. He thought it was adorable. “I’m sorry I snapped. You’re trying to manage a campaign, we’re here to do a job- im a fool-“

“you’re not a fool” he corrected her quickly. Lowering his head just a little, his hair barely touching the top of hers. “a little tipsy maybe but not a fool.”

“im not drunk josh I’m pissed- which I suppose for a woman it’s the same.” She raised her head, her for head hit his nose. “Oh my god-“ He groaned in pain, although stumbling like this around each other wasn’t so unfamiliar to him. He held his nose with his hand “in so sorry” she said, trying to find his nose in the dark-

“that’s my eye- Ouch- why would you do that?” he whined, when fingers got in his eye.

“I’m Sorry!” she repeated louder

“can you open the light?” he asked in a high pitched voice.

“yeah!” she stepped forward, accidently stepping on his foot with her hill “OH MY GOD-“

“IM NOT ENJOYING THIS DONNA!”

She stretched her hand to find the light switch, trying not to move too much so she wouldn’t hit him again somehow. She finally got it but couldn’t quite reach it so she leaned in forward and pushed josh on the wall while doing so, josh yelled again but she finally opened it. The light filled the room, a sudden warmth captivated them both. Except maybe it wasn’t so much the light as the fact that josh was pinned against the wall and Donna was on him. She raised her eyes at him, these blue eyes that for 8 years and more had been his constant reminder of hope. His hiding place that he was to proud of to show anybody else, sometimes even himself. He gulped, looking in between her eyes and her lips time and time again.

“I don’t know what this is” he said in his raspy voice. Her breath hit his cheeks like a summer evening breeze. The smell of wine captured all his senses.

“I don’t either.” She confessed. She twitched her lips, looking down at his “but I whatever it was this morning I liked it.”

“yeah I liked it too.” His voice was barely above a whisper.

“is your nose ok?”

“I think so.”

“your eye?”

“I guess”

“can you see me?”

“why did you live the air-condition on?”

“I like the cold”

“you’re a masochist, you know that?”

“I’m here with you aren’t I?”

“what’s that supposed to mean?”

She shrugged her shoulders “I’m not sure”

“why did you give me the key Donna?”

“why do you think?”

He locked his lips. The smell of wine was blocking all his rational thoughts from before, she had this naughty look in her eyes but it was mixed with her usual innocence. He raised his arm, stroking hers. She leaned closer, leaning her forehead on his. Their noses brushed against each other, he flinched a little.

“are you ok?” she asked

He thought about it and then quickly said “no” after that he leaned in closed and in an instant their lips collided the same way they did that morning only this time they were both more confident and sure if what they were doing. Josh cupped her face, she held on his waist. They made a step backwards together, moving together. Josh moved away from the wall and they walked backwards on the bed until josh slipped on of her shoes and they both fell down on the floor. Josh groaned in pain as he hit the ground but Donna laughed like a kid. Their luck was unmatchable. She laid her face on his chest, chuckling on his shirt.

“you think this is why it took us 8 years?” he muttered, trying to sit up. He laid his back against the bed, rubbing his face while Donna took a seat next to him. She rubbed her eyes, wiping away the tears of laughter.

“maybe we should wait another 8.“ she joked, turning her head to look at him.

He looked at her, shaking his head slowly, biting his lip. He answered the same way he had before “no” and leaned in again. This time it was slower and softer. This time it was love not affection. This time it was real, romantic, just them, no thinking, no joking. Nothing but then finally surrendering.

[aesthyuckic]

AVENOIR | l.dh - UNUS

(gif not mine - credits to rightful owner)

Genre: High School AU (at beginning) ; Tarot Reader!Witch!Hyuck

Word Count: 1.8k

Warnings: (for future chapters will bold if in use) belief contradictions, mentions of r*pe, blood, swearing, violence, mentions of abuse, slow but with a purpose

Pairings: Lee Donghyuck (Haechan) x Reader (F)

IX OF WANDS IN REVERSE - exhaustion, fatigue, reaching burnout

Lee Donghyuck, better known as Haechan Lee by everyone at Nova high school, was a popular junior that everyone loved. He was in the art program for choir and rock band. He was one of the top basketball players on the high school’s team. He was handsome and charming, who wouldn’t love him? Though his grades weren't too hot and he was on the verge of getting kicked off the basketball team for not meeting the required gpa to play sports. No one knew other than him and school staff which was a saving grace to his reputation.

Truth be told, he only joined the basketball team because he wanted to get out of physical education. He wasn't about to run ten laps a day for the rest of year. He tried to get into the dance part of the art program at school but was rejected after he audition. They preferred the girls. At most, there were two guys in each level every year. Apparently, those spots were filled already so he decided to do basketball and tennis to avoid the high school physical education class ever again. So here he sat, in front of the basketball coach in his red uniform. He wasn’t paying attention much either as he sat in the chair, uncomfortably, with his arms crossed while he looked at the gray concrete below him with a frown.

"Please just try to get Biology or Algebra up a letter grade so I can keep you on the team." The coach sighed. "It seems like you won't be able to get to college by the look of your current grades. Try to pass high school, at least."

His head snapped up with his coach’s words. He sounded like one of the counselors and Donghyuck hated that. He had speech before, many times, every year, every few months. The boy had managed to put on a sickingly sweet fake smile in that moment, “I’ll try my best.”

He exited the coach's office and went to change in the lockroom since he was excused from practice until further notice. He cussed under his breath as he looked at the grades on his phone while walking out of the locker room, frustrated. Most of his classes were as good as they could be in his standards. He failed Algebra and Biology every year which pouted at.

He slid his phone back into his jean pocket with a sigh. He felt stuck and unable to go any further. He didn't have time to do homework or even school these days. He felt so burned out at the age of seventeen but what else would a junior like him feel when he had so much to do in such a little timeframe? He knew this year was important for colleges but it seemed it had already gone down the drain. At this point, he considered dropping out next year.

The next day at lunch, he went around school asking teachers for extra credit even though he knew full well he didn’t have time to do any of it. When he went to his math class he found the door locked and saw that no one was there through the tinted windows so off he went to his biology class. Once he had step foot into the room, he was hit with freezing air. It was already cold outside with winter just around the corner. The room still always managed to be freezing though. It was also too eerily silence for the amount of people in there who were scattered around the room. He ignored that fact and apporched his teacher’s desk.

“Hey, Ms. Nelson...” His whispered, trying to keep the awkward stillness. “Is there anyway, I don’t know, that i can get my grade up in this class before the semester ends in a few weeks?”

“Well,” She started. “Haechan-“

“Donghyuck is fine.” He interrupted, knowing most of his classmates called him Haechan.

“Okay, Donghyuck, you could do test corrections with the last test... I don't have any extra credit right now so I'll let you know when I do have that. Its alsp very clear you don't understand the subject so I can help you during lunch or class but you have to avocate for yourself and communicate.”

“Oh, no that would work.” He shook his head

“And why not?”

“Whenever I get help from a teacher, I end up arguing with them. A lot of those teachers hate me now... Anyway, I rather have you not hate me.”

She sighed at his comment to suppress her chuckle, “Would you like to work with another student then?”

“Yes,” He nodded, small strands of his hair softly bouncing with his movement. “They are easier to argue with.”

She rolled her eyes at his words before she called out to someone, “Hey, Cosimia.”

Donghyuck turned around to see who his teacher was calling over. There was a girl that sat at the very back against the rough, white bricked wall. He knew her, not by her name but rather her title. She had multiple title but the ‘weird freshmen’ was the simplest to call her. She barely spoke to anyone but the teachers, when she did speak to her classmates and she apparently said things that sounded off and creepy, like she was a stalker or threatening them almost. He was never truly sure the accusations were true, they could’ve been rumors but that still didn’t stop him from bad mouthing her along with the rest of the students whenever she wasn’t around.

She typed away on her cheap, school provided, computer while she had her earbuds in. It seemed like you could hear faint indie music from them in the silent classroom. Her eyes were wide with dark eyebags that laid under them. Her long hair draped around her in soft looking waves. The color resembled that of a redwood tree’s. She finally pulled an earbud out to make sure she heard the teacher call her.

“Me?” The girl asked, he had never heard her voice despite being in the same Biology class with her since the beginning of the year.

The teacher nodded.

She was quick to get out of her chair and follow the authority figure’s wish, rather obediently he might add. It seemed like she treated it like her life depended on it. From what little information that he knew about her, it could’ve also just be her being the teacher’s pet but for some reason, he felt it was something else...

Even though he hadn’t talked to Cosimia the entire year, little things he noticed about her cane to his mind. She always finished her projects early and Ms. Nelson gave her candy for it, no matter how childish that sounds. She also always managed to get first place in the Kahoots they played occasionally as well. No doubt she was smart and the closer she got to him, the less he dreaded the thought of having to work with her.

When she came to stand beside Donghyuck, he noticed she didn’t seem happy, not fine either. She looked tired, not just physically but emotionally and the split moment he caught her eyes, he felt overwhelmed. He saw so many emotions, felt so many when he looked into her eyes. Sadness and fatigue seemed to be the most prominent he could see and feel. She wore muted colors that contrast compared to her rather colorful hair. Her clothing was too big for her body in the way that it covered up everything she had to hide underneath. He was quick to see a sickening yellow color that surrounded a deep purple in the crook of her neck from he stood. It could’ve been a hickey, which was none of his business but somehow he felt it wasn’t that.

She caught him staring at it, locking eyes with him once again for a second as she pulled her oversized gray sweatshirt up to cover it. It overwhelmed him again to look her straight in the eyes, he seemed to be able to see more each time.

“So, do you think you’ll be able to help Donghyuck with Bio?” Ms. Nelson asked.

“Probably,” Cosimia shrugged.

"She is one of the best in all my classes, she should be able to help you." The teacher turned to the boy. "You guys should talk about when you should get together and everything so I'll let you get to it."

By the time his Biology teacher stopped talking, the girl had disappeared from his side. He found her back in the corner, packing up her things. She was also quick to sling her backpack over her shoulder and flee the classroom which left him to run after her. He had no idea how to approach her, it seemed like she wanted nothing to do with him. He came to stand in front of her after he stopped chasing her.

“Are you available at lunch?” She asked, calmly and oddly enough with how she ran off.

“That’s the only time I get with my friends.” He shook his head. “What about after school? Your house?”

“I’m not allowed to have people at my house.” She moved passed him to continue down the hall.

He huffed out of fustration as he had to catch up to her again. He was so confused as to why she had to make things difficult. She wasn’t creepy, just straight up frustrating and a mystery. Then again, why was he so hell bent on her tutoring him? There’s always other people.

“Okay, my place I guess?” He suggested.

“I’m not allowed to go to other people’s houses either.” She said.

“Library?” He questioned with an annoyed expression.

“I can’t, I’m suppose to go straight home after school. All I have is what’s available during school hours which is third period with you and lunch. That’s it.”

She pushed passed him, in a hurry. He watched her continue down the hall. Her hair flowed out from behind her, when the sun hit it just right it looked like fire, tailing behind her. Judging by what she said to him, she had no place to be. Some thing was off about Cosimia and her life, the things she said, wasn’t normal. Everyone knew her by her title and not her name just for that. Donghyuck didn’t see her as weird anymore, she seemed more scared by what he saw in her eyes only minutes ago. The only thing weird, possibly dangerous about her to him was the way she living even if he didn’t know most of it...

[be3skne3s]

Hospital keeps calling me.

So I called the hospital to see why.

Nobody seems to know much.

Got put through five different departments before being met with an answering machine 😔

Apparently I missed an appointment with a therapist but I was never informed of any such appointments ...

Guess I just need to wait and see if they call back

I so badly Need therapy, probably multiple different types but who's to say I won't just be failed again

It doesn't sound like it's off to a good start

I just want to have some positivity for life, is that too much to ask?

People take one look at me and think and expect me to be fine, functioning, polite, happy and "normal".

Do I have to look a certain way for my daily struggles to be fucking valid? To have someone really see just how bad things are

I hate when I try and open up to people about what's really going on, that it's suspected I'm very likely autistic and awaiting assessment after all this time of people putting my struggles down to me being lazy or dramatic or a lunatic or "bipolar" (I fucking hate when people like to throw that one around thinking they're somehow in the know about the ins and outs of my life when it's just plain rude and offensive to a lot of people including myself) or difficult, stupid, just acting out for attention, cold, narcissist, rude, outcast, just shy, or just depressed and constantly hearing the "she'll grow out of its" hoping and praying that their condescending words were going to be right. Year after year thinking will this be the year I become like them? Will I finally be able to breathe? Will life all start making sense all of a sudden and I'll stop feeling like such a strange uncomfortable extraterrestrial creature as they so convinced themselves and convinced me?No. Nothing has ever changed. I never change. If anything things have gotten so much worse, just less obvious. And when things are bad they are explosive. I hate when I try and finally find the words and courage just to speak about it because I barely speak on anything to most and I'm met with the same invalidating opinions of people who probably haven't even done their research. When I'm met with the "I don't think you're autistic" "You don't look autistic" "People with autism don't act like 'this' they act like 'that'". I just start to dissociate and fall even deeper down the rabbit hole when I am being treated this way. If you knew anything about autism you'd know what masking is. You'd know just because you don't see all of my struggles doesn't mean they aren't happening, you are not around me 24/7 and you wouldn't want to be. Sometimes I wish I didn't have to be around myself. It's exhausting. People are exhausting. Social concepts are exhausting. Too much noise and light or even the slightest feel or something "wrong" against my skin is exhausting and enough to send me into unimaginable panic and it's every single goddamn day walking on eggshells with myself. I don't have any idea of what other people generally might feel like but I can sense it's much different to me and it looks like I'm finally gonna have the answer as to why. It would be such a relief to just be told that I wasn't crazy for feeling so different, to have some sort of answer at last so I can start to get the Support I Need so Badly after all this confusion and constant heartbreak and even abuse by people that have been in my life and even by the authorities. So please, I don't want to hear how you think I don't look like whatever your idea of an autistic person is. Educate yourself and be mindful. We all have our own individual struggles and silent battles.

♥️