#i wish i was as insane as i was back in 2021 lol

[stoopystuppy]

i remember drawing this in msword 😭😭😭😭

[baxteravenue]

JUST A FAN... RIGHT?

summary: during quarantine you find yourself finding comfort in an up and coming rapper from louisville who is pretty active with his fans, a couple later you end up messaging his fan number never expecting anything from it...

a/n: sorry if this sucks, this was one of those pieces i wrote mostly for me and what i wish would happen when i message that damn number lol, anyways hope you enjoy!!

Jack Harlow had always been one of your favorite artists since the early start of quarantine when you had seen a tik tok of a baby-faced rapper promoting a song that you had not been able to get out of your head. 

At first it was just his music, you loved it and literally couldn’t get enough that you would spend your quarantine listening to it and soon it followed with you diving head first into his  interviews and ‘Funny Jack Harlow Moments’... you were infatuated with and it bled into Twitter. 

You used your personal twitter, never fully committing to the whole stan persona because you were still kinda iffy about all that. 

In late 2020 and early 2021 Jack was still so active with everything and all the indirects he would get, he was especially active with the tweets that would come from you. You quickly became one of his favorite accounts.

You were super surprised one random day when he followed you, sending you a DM with your tweet linked to it.

YOURTWITTERNAME— dua lipa is stuck in my heaaaaaaad

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JackHarlow: My song or u just gotta crush on her ?

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YOURTWITTERNAME: DUA LIPA IM TRYNA DO MORE WITH HER THAN DO A FEATURE

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JackHarlow: You comin to any shows? |

YOURTWITTERNAME: maybe

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JackHarlow: Daaaaaaaaamn Y/N don’t treat me like a second choice

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YOURTWITTERNAME: next time to do something problematic so it’s easier to get tickets

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JackHarlow: Mmmmm

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YOURTWITTERNAME: not too much now sassy pants

It was the first and last time that the two of you had exchanged more than a few words or emojis from when he would reply to you on the timeline but it was also the last time that the two of you would talk before he went on tour and stopped getting so active on twitter in general.

You also slowly but surely stopped talking about Jack on Twitter since going back to school in person and just finding a social life, leaving your parasocial relationship with him in the past.

That was until a week ago when he had randomly dropped another album, and decided to promote it by releasing a number that he would be able to communicate with his fans with. It made you smile, this album was for him and the people who truly got him. 

You couldn’t help it, even though you hadn’t thought about Jack in a while it still didn’t stop you from listening to his album and eventually messaging the number. 

Y/N: i love the album, i know I don’t know you like that but it  feels so you… proud of youuuuu

You never expected a response especially since you were so sure that his inbox was probably flooding with messages from other fans but on the other side of the U.S. Jack’s eyes had caught your name, his head flashing back to yours and his relationship from once before. His number one. 

Jack: I’m so glad you love it Y/N , your opinion always gonna mean so much to me

Y/N: questions so about meeeee

Jack: Funny girl huh? You the one who stopped texting and tweeting making me think I fell off

Y/N: WAIT.. not you really texting lmao i thought this was AI

Jack: {SELFIE} Hi

Y/N: still sexy i see

Jack: Staaaaawpppp dont make me blush

Texting Jack felt so weird this time, because it felt normal… like there was no gap between the two of you. Like the two of you had known eachother forever and had always been friends. 

When you texted he would respond and sometimes he would even text you first. Things even started getting insanely personal and close when he had requested you on Instagram, something that completely took you by surprise since you had never even given him your name like that.

Y/N: did u just request me?

Jack: Was that weird?

Y/N: I’m confused…

Jack: Nothing confusing just press confirm 

Y/N: ok smart ass u know what i mean

When you had finally accepted him he was quick to text you.

Jack: I’m lurking 

Y/N: are you now?

Jack: You’re really fuckin pretty how come I never knew that?

Y/N: i don’t know about all that

Jack: Why is ur face not plastered everywhere 

Jack: It should be everywhere 

Jack: Gorgeous 

You could feel your heartbeat increase and as much as you wanted to allow yourself to feel something you couldn’t because you didn’t know him enough to take it seriously. He could very well be saying this to all his fans. Because that’s what you were… a fan.

You were in a random Barnes and Noble when an unknown number started calling you, you gave your phone a confused look before declining it going back to looking at the shelves. 

Unknown: Answer the phoneeee

Y/N: do i know u weird ass?

Unknown: Damn ur mean

Unknown: Answer the phoneeeeee

Your eyes widened as a live picture of Jack Harlow sent after the last text and then the phone began ringing again.

Was Jack Harlow calling you? There was just no fucking way.

“Did I win a giveaway or something?” You spoke softly into the phone and you almost dropped your coffee as a familiar voice spoke back.

“That’s how you sound? This shit is crazy…” Jack sighed.

You giggled, “I’m confused?”

“You sound just how I pictured.” 

“Why are you calling me, Mr. Harlow?”

“I want to meet you Y/N…” Jack spoke lowly, “I’m gonna keep it a buck and shit if you wanna sell this story to TMZ let me know but I don’t really do this and you know people want a lot from me but I feel like you don’t and shit I may just be talking but… Why you laughing?”

You smiled, “Because you’re you and yet you're stumbling all over your words.”

“What would the world think?” You could almost hear his smile.

“Jack…”

“Y/N…”

You bit your lip confused, “Why do you want to meet me?”

It was quiet for a second before Jack spoke. “Can I be honest with you?”

“Always.”

He let out a chuckle, “I believe that I have a crush on you, Y/N.”

“And what are you gonna do about that?”

And that was how you ended up in Las Vegas after being flown out by Jack Harlow…

You had told him once that you lived in Los Angeles, you didn’t expect him to remember but he did. 

Should you have been scared? A man you never met flying you to him to meet for the first time? Sure, but you weren’t because this was Jack, someone who you had been having regular conversations with daily for the past few months. The same guy who admitted to having a crush on you.

But then again this was Jack, a guy you really didn’t know if you were actually being serious. This could have been all a part of a really weird Hollywood cult initiation thing.

Jesus, everything that was coming out of your mouth sounded insane.

To say you were second guessing everything and anything was an understatement, and you were just about ready to hop on the next flight back to Los Angeles— Until you saw him, all covered up in a New Balance set as if it was doing a lot to hide his tall figure.

You smiled at him, instantly grabbing his attention making him do a light jog to you.

His smile was even prettier in person and if you took the time you could count all the freckles on his face. 

“Hi.” Jack smiled at you, before pulling a bouquet of…

“Are those Hyacinths?” Those were your favorite flowers, you don’t think you ever even told him that yet there they were in a bouquet in his hand.

Jack shrugged, smiling even bigger. “Like I said I was lurking and may or may not have found through a tweet about animal crossing, which by the way I would love to visit you on your island.”

He was perfect, insanely perfect.

You grabbed them, pulling the bouquet closer to your chest. “They're gorgeous, thank you so much.” 

“This is gonna sound really middle school but can I hug you?”

You laughed, before wrapping your arms around him feeling his wrap around you too. You could hear his heart beating.

You looked up at him seeing that he was already looking down at you, “It’s nice to meet you Jack.”

“Right back at you, pretty girl.” 

You felt like you were floating as Jack threw his arm over your shoulder, leading you through the busy airport to where his car was waiting. 

“Finally, they were just about damn ready to arrest me for parking here.” A familiar face appeared as you walked up to the car.

“Not your fault of course,” The guy winked at you, “I’m Urban.”

Jack quickly brought you closer to him, laughing. “She doesn’t care Urb, now get in the back.”

You smiled, “He doesn’t speak for me. Nice to meet you Urban, I’m Y/N.”

“I hope you chill him out, fame has gotten to his head.” 

“I’m sure.” You gave Jack a look before hopping in the passenger seat.

Jack sighed as he got into the car, “I’m not sure I like what’s going on here.”

The drive back to the hotel was full of laughter and getting to know Urban as he talked all the way back. You thought he was funny and could see yourself getting along with him. 

Your eyes widened as you rode the elevator up, having to tap the card and put a special code to ride up to a private floor that Jack was staying at.

“I’m not being promiscuous by the way, this penthouse has four rooms so you get your own, but if you want like your own room-room that’s cool too and I can make the call I just want you to be comfortable.”

“It’s fine,” You smiled up at Jack. “It’s perfect.”

“Like you.” Jack winked.

“And that’s my cue.” Urban groaned, “Let me know when yall are done being all cute and shit.” 

“Gonna be a while, I don’t think she can.” 

“Goodbye!” You could hear the elevator close leaving just you and Jack in the suite.

“I’ll show you your room, so I can put down your heavy ass bag.” 

“I told you, you didn’t have to carry it.” You said as you tried grabbing the bag from him, making him pull it up out of your reach.

“Nah, nah.” He shook his head, leading you to your room, the bag still being held up high, “I just did arm day so this is something light.” 

You looked at how toned his arms looked as he set down your bag on the dresser in the room he had for you. 

You sat down on the bed, “Comfy.”

“Better be, shit cost a ton.” He sat down next to me, “Still not used to all this.”

“Are you excited?” You asked him, “For tomorrow? I was lurking on Twitter and I saw that a lot of your fans are coming.”

“Yeah, I love em’.” Jack smiled, “Want to put on a good show for them especially for canceling so last minute last time. I even had my manager plan a little secret missionary party for them to get to know each other tonight.” 

“You’re so sweet, are you gonna make an appearance?” 

He shook his head, “Got something else planned for tonight.” 

“Like?” 

Jack shrugged, “I don’t know, like taking a pretty girl out on a date.”

You nodded, “Hope she has a fun night… I might go visit that Jack Harlow fan party because you know I’m a fan.” 

“You’re more than that to me, Y/N.” Jack shook his head, “I hope you know that.”

You wanted to believe it, you really did. But seeing as Jack had chosen a weekend where Vegas would be littered with his fans making it easy to move you into the fan category if he wanted to in case people started asking questions. 

You nodded, “Okay.” 

Your eyes opened slowly as you woke up from an accidental sleep, you blinked as the once bright room was covered in darkness. How long have you been asleep? How did you even fall asleep?

The date, shit.

You quickly got up, heading to the restroom that was connected to your room brushing your teeth and splashing your face with water to wake you up some more. 

“She’s asleep… She got in early… No, it's only been like an hour and a half… Thanks, I'll let you know how it goes… I’m not talking to her… Enough, bye.”

You could hear him talking from the other side of the door. You waited for him to finish his conversation not wanting to interrupt anything. 

Slowly, you opened the door walking out in the living room area. His back was faced to you but it didn’t take long for him to turn around, giving you a smile.

“Have a nice nap, pretty girl?”

“Why did you let me fall asleep?” You asked, a little upset that you had wasted precious time with Jack. 

He stood up, walking over to you. “It’s okay you weren't even asleep for a long time. Plus that was my bad for booking you such an early flight. I would have done the same.” Jack took your hand leading you around the couch, “Hungry?” 

You gave him a deep stare, “Starved.”

Being around Jack felt surreal, almost like you were in a daze.

Eating breakfast, giggling like high schoolers, and just overall getting to know one another was unlike anything you had experienced previously. You were excited about it all— Until reality came to view.

Right when the two of you were about to head out to the dinner that Jack had planned for the two of you he had gotten a call that he had to take in the other room, leaving you with your thoughts about everything that was going on and how everything would end up when you eventually would have to leave.

You frowned as Jack came back in with an annoyed look, “I’m gonna make this up to you pretty girl. I promise.”

“What happened?”

“Club called, wanted me to do an appearance tonight supposedly it was on the contract which is bullshit.” He sighed, “I gotta be there for at least two hours.” 

“Two hours?” 

“Look when I come back we can—”

You felt like someone had slapped you in the face, “You want me to stay here?”

Jack felt like an asshole. “Pretty girl, it’s just… At these clubs it’s a lot and people take pictures and I don’t want them to ruin this.”

Right. Of course he wouldn’t  want pictures of the two of you together. Gosh, you hope your sadness and disappointment show on your face but when Jack looked at you again you could tell it did. He was looking at you as if you were a kicked puppy— like the girls used to in middle school when you wanted to hang out and they didn’t have the guts to tell you no but they weren't exactly gonna tell you yes either. 

“Oh, yeah that makes sense I guess. Um…” You didn’t know what to say in a situation like this, you couldn't exactly argue the two of you were nothing. “I’m tired anyways so yeah… Have fun Jack.” 

Jack shook his head, “You’re not tired and you know what fuck it. I’m my own person and if I wanna bring a girl out to something I can.”

Okay, now you were confused which was easily filled in by Jack.

“My management has this thing with image, they portray me exactly how they want me to be and if a heartthrob rapper is who they want me to be I can’t exactly say no… or I couldn’t before.” Jack sighed, “Look Y/N… talking to you these past few months on the phone, in text, and everything in between that's the realest I’ve ever felt with someone in a really long time.”

“Jack…”

“Mm-mm.” He shook his head, “I see the way you’re holding back with me and I don’t want you to. I flew you out to Miami because I needed to meet you, to see you, and I want to continue to see you because I really like you.”

“I’m nobody though, Jack. I’m just your fan.”

“And I’m obsessed that you're my fan but you're much more than that to me.” Jack smiled, “You’re Y/N, a girl who’s obsessed with Taylor Swift, and corrects people when they call Grogu ‘Baby Yoda’, you're someone who loves a cute drink even when they taste horrible, you're the only person I know that can spend hours at Barnes and Noble… You’re much more than my fan Y/N.”

You had spent so much time thinking all of this was one sided like you were the only one learning things about him but it just wasn’t true because he was listening. He was listening to it all, even the smallest details about you that you had only brought up for a second.

“That was the most romantic thing that’s ever happened to me.” You smiled.

“Not the paid for airplane ticket and expensive ass suite.” Jack smiled back at you cheekily. 

You shook your head, moving closer. “I’m gonna kiss you now.”

Jack leaned down, “I’d be offended if you didn’t.” 

And just like that, all the doubt and negative thoughts had washed away when his lips met yours because now you knew that it was all real. Every single feeling that you felt, every feeling that he felt… It was real.

The two of you pulled away breathless.

“I’ve been waiting to do that since you stepped off that plane, and I don’t think I’m ever waiting again.” Jack brought his hand up to cup your face, his thumb brushing over your cheek. “My pretty girl.”

[mod2amaryllis]

I'm waiting for this migraine to die so I'm gonna tell you guys about Marshall, the dog who made me quit. read on if you wanna learn about extended quarantine and why this job sucks sometimes and other times is the most rewarding thing on the planet, often for the same reasons lmao.

in 2021, the weight of covid was kinda crashing down. i heard this was the case for a lot of health workers. we switched into emergency mode throughout 2020 and powered through, then the rest of the world decided to try and "get back to normal" a year later, giving no regard to the people who'd been working like a speeding train with the brakes off all that time. i was losing it!!! add a few more hay bales to my back when we hired a new doc who was the most demanding dude I'd ever met (still is, but we've come to some understanding lol) and who decided to run me as ragged as possible the first day he was left to his own devices.

that was the day Marshall came in.

i didn't talk about this back then because the outcome of the case was uncertain and the details so specific, but here's the run down knowing that 2 years later, Marshall is living his best life. when he was a baby, too young to have received a rabies vaccine, his owners found a rabies positive bat in the house. the state vet will always recommend euthanasia in these situations, OR, if you can somehow find and afford the option, a 6 month quarantine. this was such a tragic situation the owners were willing to try to save him. my clinic happens to have a decent isolation ward that's rarely in use; we use it for infectious patients like parvo puppies, uri's that have to be hospitalized, etc. so my boss agreed to take him for those 6 months. but the owners' caveat was that if he wasn't mentally adjusting to isolation after a couple weeks, they would euthanize so as not to put him through it and leave him with lifelong behavior issues.

that day, when animal control brought Marshall in the middle of an insane rush, we were short staffed and already at the end of our ropes with this new doc. i was the only qualified person who could talk to the officer. i was the only person who could take him back to isolation. the act of putting a 12 week old puppy in a 4 x 4 run where i knew he would either spend 6 months untouched, or never see the outside again, broke me. last straw.

i was a mess, for the rest of that day and the rest of that weekend having to go in and take care of him, when it was too early for him to adjust so i was sure he wouldn't make it. I'd come home sobbing. eventually jose was just like, "this isn't worth it any more," and i sent in a two weeks notice. i'd come close to doing so many times in the previous 6 years but never pulled the trigger. it took a total meltdown. my managers responded with regret, but understanding.

i wish i could've just felt free and done with it but for those two weeks i was just uncertain. this job is so complicated. the benefits for my pets are enormous; it's my main social network; it's income; I'm good at it and it gives me purpose. it's just also hell on earth! with no pressure from anyone else one way or the other, by the end of two weeks I'd decided to instead try going part time. that's where I'm at 2 years later so guess it worked lol.

but! there was still Marshall. shortly after we took him, we also happened to get a call for the same situation on 2 cats, and decided to take them as well. 3 animals on a 6 month quarantine. very new and daunting for all of us.

that first weekend was hard, but slowly, Marshall figured things out. it was the least ideal situation imaginable and i was at rock bottom and so was he, but i had this moment of like.....ok. if he wants to make this work, I'm gonna do as right by him as possible. and of course all us techs were helping him (one of my road dog coworkers always opened so i referred to her as his "morning mom") but i in particular took a special interest in training and enrichment. it became a passion. i was working less, but i volunteered extra weekends so i could see him more.

he was so young he hadn't even done much basic command training, and the fact that i couldn't touch him at all was a challenge. i started with a clicker to signal I'd rolled a treat into his run, since i couldn't give it to him directly. over those months we went through the basics: sit, down, paw, touch, using a back scratcher for a hand. part of the worry was him getting enough exercise; we noticed that when he'd get agitated, he'd jump on the bars non stop. i was like hmm that might be our only option, so i made "up" a command. i'd basically run burpies for exercise, up-sit-down-sit-up. he was a fast learner, very attentive. seeing him keep his wits about him like that was straight up thrilling. he even "potty trained" himself, barking like crazy whenever he'd go to the bathroom so we'd know right away he needed the run cleaned.

in the ward, there are 2 runs and 3 kennels. i trained Marshall to go back and forth between runs so we could clean. we'd have his food waiting for him in the next run over so he could eat while we'd clean; at the midday switch, he'd have a doggie popsicle. he was such a smart dog i knew toys and treats alone weren't cutting it for enrichment, and i couldn't constantly train him when i still had to be doing the rest of my job.

i started having everyone save every single box and paper-packaging that came in. i'd unfold some boxes for "bedding," so he'd at least have something between him and the concrete (he'd chew and eat any blanket we tried giving him). the rest, i turned into puzzles. i put treats inside and closed them up. put big boxes on their side in his run so he could go in and out. crumpled up paper-packaging with treats mixed in for him to dig through. every day i'd turn one run into a box-toy paradise, let him in, clean the other, and by the time i was checking back in on him he was snoozing in a pile of destruction. success. when other techs wouldn't go to the same lengths, i'd stay late pre-making his boxes and telling people to just throw them in dammit. i also queued several ambient sound playlists, birdsong cityscapes etc, to play on the weekend days when he was alone for long periods.

the months went by like this. i learned more about training, enrichment, and most specifically quarantine than i ever had outside of my experiences with my own puppies. we fell into a routine. we straight up loved each other, he was part of my life. he'd been this horrible trigger and pretty much doubled my workload, but he got to live.

then there were the cats! they were a little easier than Marsh just because they were already adults so didn't have all this energy to wrangle. for them, daily cleaning of course, taking turns going into the 1 empty kennel where i'd have treats, catnip, and other "new" smells waiting for them. for enrichment i focused on reconfiguration. every 2-3 days i'd rearrange things in their kennels, with the big pieces being a litter box, a bed, and an upright sturdy box (so they could either be in it or on top of it, giving them one upper level). it was habitat tetris. we'd play with strings and use the back scratcher for pets. then about every week, i'd switch their kennels to slightly change their view AND traded beds to mingle scents. they were from the same household and we were worried there'd be difficulty re-bonding after not being in direct contact for so long. they also did very well by the end of 6 months aside from gaining a lot of weight (oops). i learned just as much from them, and would love to help anyone else who might struggle with needing to quarantine pets.

i've seen people posting for help about similar situations and just wanna scream from the rooftops: the beginning is very daunting and hopeless, but animals aren't like us!!!!!! they do the best with what they got!!!!! if you work hard and keep them clean and develop a routine it'll all work out!!!!! Marshall walked out of there at 6 months a normal happy puppy in desperate need of a haircut.

it's interesting because i've never interacted much with his owners. i don't think they know i'm the one who kept him from losing his mind in there, even though everyone else at the clinic does, and i'm weirdly ok with that. the other day he came in cuz the dummy ate a bunch of meds he wasn't supposed to; the doc brought him to the back and instantly, Marshall rushed right for me. he still remembers me in a good way. there's still love. it's like...one of the few patient relationships i've had that feels truly deeply personal. in retrospect i think he had a bigger hand in healing my relationship with this career and animals in general than i realized at the time.

so thanks for making me quit Marshall. i feel a lot better now.

(i don't have any pics of him from that time (tragic ssd card accident) but he was an overgrown doodle puppy so he looked like this.)

[camelliagwerm]

I love arthur and bull so much but I am wondering what happened to arthur and josie?

Joke answer: Arthur was dealing with comphet and amicably divorced from his lavender marriage wife. They're still good friends and also Josephine is now doing her courtly romance thing with Blackwall in my game, and it absolutely delights me.

Long and serious answer: it was a mix of a few different things.

I lost interest in Josephine's romance. I've done it to death over the past nine years, and given Camellia's romance in Wrath literally rewired my brain, it made me realise I'm just not as interested in Josephine's romance anymore. I still think it's a good one, a very good one, but now it's just too cheesy for my taste. Arthur and Josie just… didn't have enough of an interesting dynamic for me anymore - they're very similar and while that makes them great friends, it doesn't give me anything to chew on after The Camellia Event™️. There's nothing there to make me feel a little bit insane.

Arthur himself - he's been in a weird spot because, again, he hasn't changed much in the nearly nine years I've had him. He felt...stagnant, and whenever I looked at replaying him again after The Camellia Event™️, I kept going "oh I wish Blackwall or Cullen was available for him" or "I wonder how he would work with Bull or Dorian" and the only reason I never changed from Josephine until now was simply "that's the way it's always been."

What really made me realise that I don't think Arthur and Josie are meant to be anymore is when I got Of Somewhat Fallen Fortune, I didn't rush to do it like I normally do. I...actually put it off, which is very unlike me. Yet I rushed to do the Bull's. I realised when I did my last replay in 2021 that they meshed well together as unlikely friends and that's what made me consider them as something more from time to time. It was a fascinating possibility.

In general, I've changed a lot as a writer and player, and so it'd only make sense that a character I developed when I was 19 is going to change significantly now that I'm in my late 20s (hell, I have a wholly different gender identity & sexuality lol) - especially as I've gotten more accustomed to revamping and reshuffling characters.

Shout out to @attanos for literally saying last Sunday "what's a little gay sex between two inquisition companions", me going for a 10 minute walk to think on it and going "yeah actually I think this feels right for him" the moment I got back.

I hope this makes sense, but Arthur and Josie have had a very amicable divorce in my head and I really still enjoy them as friends. Josie herself has now joined a very treasured rank of "former long-time love interests who have now been divorced following the realisation that my oc is actually gay/lesbian." She's one of two.

[myloveforhergoeson]

Hey there! :) For the ask game: 1, 2, 3, 8, and 13.

hello!! thank you for the ask! i love the questions <3

how did you become a big time rush fan?

my college roommate introduced me our sophomore year! my spotify tells me i added my first btr song to my playlist on oct 5th 2021 if we want to get specific about it. i wasn't allowed to watch nickelodeon growing up - had i been, i would have definitely been a fan when it was airing! i'm a huge boyband girlie, so my roommate was shocked when she asked me if i'd ever seen btr and i didn't even know what it was. i only knew of the song big time rush through that "why are you in such a big time rush?" vine :)

2. who is your favorite member (and why)?

in the showverse, james 100%! if you couldn't tell by my blog i love him very much. cute, silly, a little bit stupid... dream guy fr. but irl, definitely kendall! from interviews i think our personalities are similar and we'd vibe together well :) he seems really sweet and laid back. i also really love his work outside of btr

3) what are your top three favorite big time rush songs?

worldwide, paralyzed, picture this! worldwide bc it makes me feel so warm and fuzzy whenever i hear it. paralyzed because it's closest to my music taste outside of boybands; musically i think it's just incredible with the blend of rock elements into the love song and vocally the boys just kill it. i wish they had more songs like that. picture this because i love the little storyline woven throughout because it's so vivid i feel like they're singing to me and it always makes me want to put together a scrapbook lol! and the guitar is soooo sweet. honorary mentions to amazing, like nobody's around, love me, love me, this is our someday, and time of our life

8) who's your favorite character from the show?

lucy :) she is the loml i wish they didn't do her so dirty. i feel like she was created as a caricature of punk/emo culture and there was a big waste of opportunity to have her introduce her pop friends to a new genre idk. i'm very big into pop/punk/emo and i wish we got more of her music in the show as well even if it's not about her. the snippet of "you dumped me for her" always leaves me wanting a full song! and i really wish they didn't force her into a relationship with james lmao; they've both got some things to work out about themselves when they get together and i don't think them being together fits either of their characters! but regardless, she is my favorite. i love a little pot-stirrer alt girl :) and a singer songwriter? all on her own? such insane talent they do not really commend her on!!

13) what's your favorite picture of big time rush?

ughhh i just went through all my concert photos and none of them are any good 😭 but i’ll pick an oldie-

this one!! can’t explain why tbh, i just think they all look so cute :)

[mcyt-rarepair-tournament]

anon guy who got it here!

coming off anon to let you know that if i wasn't big in totsmp before, i wouldn't have know how little the shippsphere is over there

i really want to ask for fish yuri because it would be funny as heck

but i also kind of want to give the power to the populace

uhh mind if i ask for you to make a polls so we as a community could choose?

if yes put fish yuri, renskizz, fishbowl wives, falseryn, and kristin/lizzie (did they get a name yet?), probably my favs here (i didn't put ayhalo because it's less of rarepair since it got a bunch of content and by respect for your fallen ship lol (sorry that my gay mens have beaten your gay mens))

God I wish I'd gotten into TFTSMP back in 2021. Fun fact, I fell out of the MCYT sphere in October of 2020 when X Life ended. I just missed all of it. Screaming and sobbing.

Also, yeah, you're right, there wasn't a lot of shipping happening there except for the basic, expected stuff. People shoulda gone crazy with it, methinks.

When I got into the DSMP around October of 2022 (Yikes, I know) I was fond of the more obvious, popular characters, then I discovered c!Karl and TFTSMP and I've been insane about it ever since. My top 5 change a lot but c!Karl always remains number one.

[trashlie]

ILY FP 237

Wanna know something that feels insane? I went to go reread 151 for yknow, reasons, lmao and I noticed it came out September 30, 2021.

/2021/!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IT'S BEEN 2 YEARS SINCE THAT EPISODE DROPPED?! NO WONDER WE CAN'T BE NORMAL ABOUT ANYTHING!!!!! NO WONDER WE'RE ALL AS FERAL AS SHINAE AND CLIMBING WALLS AND CHEWING THROUGH OUR KEYBOARDS. I can't get my head around this lmao TWO WHOLE YEARS?! What the HECK?! This has been WILD!!!!!!!

Anyway, I kind of wish you guys could have seen me immediately after reading this episode because I swear it felt like I went through the five stages of like, grief or something, for reasons I'll get to lmao like, my friends and i live blog at each other as we read and it was just a wall of screaming cat emotes sent over and over and DREAD and STRESS and some kind of dramatic chaos and calamity before we got it out of our systems and were like "okay i can be normal* about this now

*as normal as possible all things considered lmao

Anyway. AN EPISODE AIN'T IT? Let's go

I had fantasized a lot about how I waned Dieter and Nol's conversation to go, and as always, I was not entirely on the mark. That's why I'm not the one writing ILY XD But regardless, I love what we got, and we got things that I did NOT expect at all!

There's something about how it starts off with that sort of.... "we're pretending everything is normal and that you didn't totally oversee me making moves on the girl you like while i thought you were sleeping and you don't even know why I came back after blocking all of you let's definitely make visitation plans" that is so funny to me, even though that's absolutely how I expected it to go. Dieter is the master of playing it cool, much to his own detriment, but it works in this case, because Nol is so very like a feral cat, isn't he?

I'm actually really glad that we touched on the topic of visitation because I was SO CERTAIN Nol wouldn't want them to visit him, wouldn't want to be seen like that, wouldn't want to be reminded of their lives going on while he's stuck behind bars for a crime he didn't commit. And Dieter is not that subtle with the way he goes down the list of the potential visitors Nol can have - not that there's, yknow.... many..... lol but we all know what he's getting at, carefully hedging the important matters at hand. "It would make you happy if she visited you, too... right?"

Something so funny about my agitation at the end of this episode was that I so badly wanted to comment on how Nol's reaction to Dieter winning the game reminded me SO MUCH of the expressions Shinae makes lol I don't know if that's just a result of quimchee's artstyle or just one of those many things they have in common, but it makes me laugh a lot.

Dieter possesses a rather straight forward nature that I'm so envious of. I'm the kind of person who struggles to bring up things that I need to talk to friends about, too burned by past experiences that didn't go well that I still get worried that addressing important topics with my friends will go south even though I know better, so I beat around the bush, I hem and haw. But Dieter is SO direct with Nol, even as Nol tries to deflect, even as he attempts to bush it off. It's so admirable! Especially while Nol is being.... well. Nol lmao

I CANNOT believe that he really went nine-year-old on the playground being accused of liking a girl like. He LITERALLY went BLEH why would I even HURL alkfjkafjafjkafkjafjk MY GUY?! ALKFKAFJAKFKAJFKJ?1 He is akjffakfj a MENACE truly related to Nana!!!!!!!!!

I think this must be the most open and honest Nol has ever been with Dieter. When you think about it, Dieter really is the one friend who has been the most "on the outside" of Nol's life, he has only known Yeonggi, and it wasn't for malicious reasons. That's all the stuff Nol dislikes about his life, that he tries to neatly compartmentalize. Up until recently, he was able to do so. Kousuke was off his back, he was more or less free. Everything changed when Rand went out of country and Kousuke had Nol helping out at the office. Dieter had no reason to really know much more about Kousuke and Nol's relationship because Soushi joining their group meant Kousuke wasn't around as often, and we saw that they both were able to thrive (as well as possible) outside of the way of each other.

So for Nol to open up enough to tell him that he doesn't really make friends, despite how it looks. That most people don't really seem to like him, that he doesn't like his peers or his family, that they are really the only people he has let into his life is big. There's so much Dieter still doesn't know about him, but baby steps. You can't just dump all of that, even if he was ready to.

And in him saying this, to some degree I understand. After all, all this while Nol wasn't even aware of those feelings, of what she meant. I think there were moments - like at the formal when he made her laugh - but it wasn't anything like when he had his head rest upon her shoulder, feeling at peace despite his injuries, feeling calm despite the location, feeling like he could fall asleep and learned that it had nothing to do with medication that made him realize it. So on the one hand I DO get his logic, because what if he IS misplacing this feeling, what if he IS wrong, what if he's making something out of nothing?

But I'm sure on another level he knows better, because he knows what Dieter saw, because he was acting on what he felt.

I think Nol has never had feelings for anyone, because he has nothing to compare this to. He said he "tried to make it work" with Alyssa, but there's a sense that he was never actually into her, that there weren't actually any feelings there and they never grew as time went on. And now that he feels these unfamiliar things for Shinae, how is he to know?

What's really funny is that this is the same tactic as Shinae, but in reverse. When she told him we're all friends and he adamantly told her no, because he knows better, because it wasn't platonic, because their kind of friend is so different from how she's friends with Dieter. And even though he's the one who knows his feeling and suspects hers, he still tries the same logic she used: that anyone else could be in her position and maybe he'd still feel the same, that maybe it's just because he's so starved for kindness that he's responding to that.

Again, we know better, but it's so funny to me that she literally tried to use the logic that all friendships are different but also she could put anyone else in his place and it would be the same.

Please. I need them to stop kidding themselves lmaoooooo

For Nol's sake, though, he needs it to be a thing that will pass, because in his mind not only does he endanger Shinae by caring about her, but he also betrays his friend, only further hurts him, and given that Nol's whole deal is that he tries to rebalance the bad he brings into the world by making up for it with good, he's really doing a terrible job.

Unfortunately for Nol, feelings don't work like that and logic can't control them. He can tell himself it might be a thing that can pass, that it might be something that he'd get over, but that doesn't change Shinae's feelings, and the fact that she clearly likes him, not Dieter. It would be so much easier for Nol if Dieter actually treated it like a betrayal, if he was mad at him, if he felt like Nol had wronged him. He wants him to be angry, because he can at least use Dieter's anger and pain as a reason to step back, because god knows Nol himself does not have the will power to do it on his own. If he can say "Acting on my feelings is hurting my friendship with Dieter" he could have a concrete reason to ignore them, because it's not worth losing his friendship.

But that's not who Dieter is. He isn't giving him that kind of excuse.

We can see, too, just how important those friendships are to Nol, that hurting Dieter would be reason enough to drop his feelings! Because these are the only friends he has. The only people who have made him feel like he has value. Made him feel not like nothing but something. A somebody. Special. That's not something worth throwing away, which is ironically what gets him into this problem. These people made him feel special, and he came to care about them as they care about him, and in his mind this has endangered them all, and it's more than enough reason to hold them at arms' length, to smother his feelings and hope they'll die out like cold embers, hope that if he doesn't fans the flames or add new wood, it will go cold.

I really feel for Dieter having this conversation because honestly, it can't be easy. Even though he's holding himself together, we know that it still hurts. His expression with his eyes closed when he mentions how he's seen the way Shinae cries for him... agonizing! He's seen it multiple times now! He's always the one who picks up her pieces and gives her comfort, even though it hurts him to do, even though he knows why she's crying. It wasn't just what he saw that morning when they thought he was asleep - he's been watching this all along, from the beginning, always consciously comparing himself to the people in her life and how she interacts with them. Even as a friend, he doesn't have what she has with Minhyuk or Nol. Dieter knew all along what he was getting into, knew all along the way they interact, the way they gravitate towards each other, and he couldn't help but hope he might have that, too. That with enough time they could be like that. All this morning did was show him that he was never going to have that with her, that he never really stood a chance. ;~; But he tried! It's more than Nol can say right now....

Nol's agitation is such a BIG deal! Again, Dieter has never really known Nol. Yeonggi wasn't like this! Yeonggi didn't have this energy, that feral cat energy, that edge! His shock in response to how Nol responds shows that much - because to him this isn't a big deal, if he likes her then he likes her and he just wanted Nol to know that he won't hold it against him. But there is just so much Dieter doesn't know! He can't understand at this point why Nol is so emotional about it, why he seems so agitated and upset, why he's insisting it will never happen. Seeing those emotions on his face!!! The way Dieter goes from startled to defensive to concerned.

"If you don't like seeing her hurt, it's in your best interest to keep her away from me."

That sounds so threatening! He's the only one who is hurting Shinae, what Nol is saying can't possibly make any sense to Dieter.

He doesn't know about the formal.

He doesn't know about Shinae getting tricked by Yui, how she was coerced to attend that harrowing formal in order to protect someone who it turned out didn't need protecting.

He doesn't know about the fall from the pool and how she hit her head and was in the hospital when she should have been at home getting a good night's sleep the night before her college entrance exams.

He doesn't know about the contract she's locked into.

About the roofies, about Sangchul.

About how Shinae could have been assaulted, or how she could have died.

This is the most honest Nol has probably ever been with Dieter, with anyone but Shinae at this point, frankly, and unfortunately Dieter doesn't know anything, can't understand, but what he can see is that Nol means it. The fear on his face! He looks so childlike in how distressed and afraid he is!

When we really think about it, in Nol's eyes, it is about him. That he is a blight, a mistake who was never supposed to exist. That what happened to his mom was because of him, because he exists. Because he didn't treat her well. What happened to Shinae is because he took interest in her, because she meant something to him, and that wasn't acceptable. He believes harm comes to those he cares about, but in his view that's the extent of it. It's not that Yui is a monster, it's that she's a monster to him.

He doesn't have our objective knowledge. He doesn't know that Kousuke has been drugged and manipulated his whole life, that she drove that wedge between him and his father. He doesn't know that Yui invited Shinae to Kousuke's apartment and treated her inappropriately, tried to undress her, put her in Kousuke's clothes. Does he even really understand how Shinae wound up at the formal? That it wasn't about him at all - that Shinae was convinced Kousuke did something wrong by giving her a job she didn't deserve, that she had to attend the formal to "protect his job".

So to him, it's just because it's him. Because he cares. Because he is a mistake and doesn't deserve any of this, and that they are punished for him not knowing his place. His worries extend to Dieter and Soushi as well, because they are also people he cares about, and maybe the universe will harm them, too, to remind him of his place.

He doesn't know what he has to protect them from, just that he must.

One of these days, we are going to get flashbacks of what happened when Nol was taken away to Hirahara Memorial, and I'm not ready. The way he looks so small and childlike sitting there in his bed with all of his fear and distress, all of these feelings so knotted up inside. What did they do to him when he was in there? What did they say to him, that made him so deeply internalize this belief? Almost two years of being broken down, being convinced that the things that happen to those you care about are the direct result of you caring of your existence. And that's the most frustrating part about it - it's so deeply ingrained, so intricately woven into his psyche that he can't just change his way of thinking. It's going to be so difficult to undo that thinking!

Not that this is really new to us but, just getting to really mull over this is so heartbreaking. Nol is so terrified of losing her, that he's willing to lose her to protect her. He'd rather not have her at all if it will keep her safe, if it will protect her from harm, even though it's so clear that he wants the opposite. He cares so much and it makes him so very afraid. How does he live like that?! That constant battle of wanting vs what he fears, how he let them into his life and broke his rules and in his mind this has put them in danger.

"If you don't like seeing her hurt, it's in your best interest to keep her away from me!"

He really would rather be the one that hurts her to protect her than to take any chances and it just makes me feel SO EMOTIONAL. ;A; OKAY. Because what can you even do to help him? He is so..... I don't like it when people say the word broken, because it often feels low-key like they mean someone is too traumatized to ever be "repaired" but when I say Nol is so broken, I mean that he has been put in situations that have damaged his self-view, that have damaged his psyche, that have altered the way he thinks and feels to such a degree that he is sitting here willing to hurt people in order to protect them, because he lives in this constant fear of unknown that he cannot predict. They took this vulnerable kid and put him through absolute HELL, they broke him and then they refused to put the pieces back together.

I hope that Dieter will talk to someone about it. Is it something he can talk about with Shinae? Can he pull together any clues? He's our most observant character, but does he know enough to start to grasp this very real fear that has gripped Nol? He was there at the arcade when Kousuke and Yui came to pick up Nol, when he reacted strangely to her being there, when he slapped away Kousuke's hand. Is that something that he'd remember, think is worth pursuing? And even if so, what can come of it? He looks genuinely worried and concerned, though, and I hope that something will be able to come of it, because I think even if he can't understand what Nol fears, he at least knows that to him it's very real.

Soushi's timing with the jello just.... KILLED me. KILLED ME what a time to interrupt ;______; How do you get back to that conversation?! And especially with Kousuke there now, it's effectively over. It just!!! LKFAFKJAJFKAKJFAJKFKJAF KLJAFKJAF AKJFKAJFKAFJKAF IT KILLS ME OKAY AAAAAUUUUUGGGGGGH

And while I know very well that Kousuke is there with good intentions, that he looks so haunted standing in the hallway waiting for Nol, I can't help but feel a heavy curtain of foreboding coming down, because Kousuke comes in like an omen. Because things go bad when he shows up, even when he's not the one trying to stir things up. And frankly, I don't look forward to this, because I know whatever is going to go down is going to hurt! There's something so..... I guess bitter about Kousuke's very too little too late moment, how he has struggled all these years with how badly he wants Rand's love, how much he fears not being good enough, how terrified he was that Nol could have it and replace him, the guilt for destroying a young child who was never a real threat to him (even though Yui absolutely made him out as a real threat in Kousuke's mind). It's like... knowing that Kousuke is starting to unlock this, is starting to see the insidious underbelly, while knowing it's too late. Nol has wiped his hands of him. He literally nearly died as a result of what happened the night before and even if Kousuke is coming to reach out to him, or to confirm something, Nol has no reason to entertain him, to hep him.

I feel like we are very much seeing that table turn, the role reversal. We're going to watch Kousuke fall apart, trying his best to hold himself together, with no one to turn to, no one he can actually trust, his paranoia eating him alive. It's not that I think anything heavy is going to go down as much as.... maybe we're going to watch Kousuke reach out to him, whether for help or to acknowledge something - that Nol, too, was drugged, that this must be why he hates tea so much, that so many times he ignored Nol's pleas for help - and Nol is probably going to reiterate how very done with him he is, that he wants nothing to do with him or this family any more, that he is done with them and what they've done to him. And just. AUGH ALKJAFKJJKFJKAF IT KILLS ME I'M SO EMOTIONAL I'M SO DISTRESSED BECAUSE WE KNOW WHY KOUSUKE WAS LIKE THAT WE KNOW HOW HE WAS MANIPULATED, HOW THE DRUGGING WAS USED TO ALTER HIS MEMORIES AND HOW HE RECALLED EVENTS HOW HE BELIEVES IN THIS FICTITIOUS VERSION OF NOL WHO WAS FORMED BY YUI'S WORDS AND IT KILLS ME BECAUSE NOL IS SO WELL WITHIN HIS RIGHT AND I JUST. TRAAAAAAGIIIIIIIIIIIIC SIIIIIIIIIBLLLLLLLLIIIIIIIIINNNNGSSSSSSSSS ;A;

And things just always go south when Kousuke comes around. He puts Nol in a worse mood, he starts to act out more. We literally watched this kid jump off a fucking balcony into a pool below and revisit the last time he was at the bottom of a pool, contemplating never returning to the surface! THINGS NEVER GO WELL WHEN KOUSUKE IS INVOLVED AND I'M NERVOUS AND SCARED AND I HAVE SO MANY FEELINGS ;A;

At this point, I feel like everything really is up to Shinae at this point, because Nol is back to trying to rebuild his walls and put them up as high as he can, so ready to try to ignore these feelings, to play them off, to tell her that it probably means nothing, that he must just be acting this way because she's been nice when no one else has and if it was anyone else he'd probably feel the same way and GOD I am ready for her to go off on him. He all but told her to leave and come back when you know why you're fighting so hard for me, but I don't think he's actually PREPARED for her going back knowing her feelings, knowing what she wants.

Until now, there's always been a disadvantage between Shinae and Nol in their relationship, where he is always the one with the leg up, the one who knows more, the one who is making moves, the one who is in control of things. But I think we're going to see that change, based on her very feral way of fighting her feelings, how she was about to try to break down his door in order to continue their conversation, how agitated she is by the thought of him throwing her away.

It really does come down to her pure determination, and I'm fully expecting her to go in there and get into an argument with him lmao and frankly, I welcome it. I think that's the only way they're going to get anywhere. There's so many things they need to talk about, they need a heart to heart DESPERATELY but I don't think we're going to lead with it. I go back and forth on how I expect her to go, because she was SO READY to go back in and demand her things back "if I can't have you" (SCREAMING STILL) but now that she knows her feelings... will she? I hope she will, still. Because now it's almost worse, right? That he's taken all these things from her AND he still has a girlfriend AND he now has her heart? HOW IS THAT FAIR, GIVE IT BACK, GIVE BACK EVERYTHING!

I want them to argue because I think they're both a little more honest when they aren't thinking about what they're saying, when they let the hotheaded energy take over and words come out. Nol is probably going to play the "this probably doesn't even mean anything" game, the "this will probably pass and we'll both move on" game, the "maybe i'm just a selfish asshole friend and none of this means anything" game and Shinae is too hardheaded to let that slide.

I want her jealousy and insecurity to come out when Nol tries to shield himself with “I have a girlfriend” and I want her to remind him he said it was fake and he resents her. I want her to look him in the eye and ask if he can really throw it all away, if he wouldn’t have any regrets if he gave up and left her. I want him to fail to answer and instead tell her that maybe he can, who knows, maybe none of this is really real. And I want her to kiss him and prove to him how very real it is, how very much they both want it, and how very much they need each other.

And when she pulls away he can lean in, following her, pulling her back in, his brain off because god knows the moment her mouth touches his it's all over, he's melting, his resolve is crumbling and he's going all in, pulling her against him fingers in her hair mouth crashing back on hers so hungry so touch-starved so full of want.

They can talk about everything else once she's convinced him this isn't so fleeting. She can remind him what she already said, that she deserves a choice in this matter, that leaving doesn't change anything because she still works for the company she's still under contract and now there's more she can tell him - how Yui made her an offer that would essentially tether her to them, how Rand told her to take it that he says Yui will never let her go. That it was not about him that Yui is a witch, tell him about Kousuke's birthday, tell him about the way she got tricked, tell him about the things she tried to do to her.

I've already acknowledged that nothing can undo the years of damage that was done to Nol in the hospital and through years of abuse, but I think Shinae can, at the very least, make him see that she very much is just as trapped, that she's worse off if he leaves, that together they are so much stronger, that they don't have to endure this alone. He can tell her how scared he is and she can stroke his hair and reassure him the best she can that he's allowed to be scared in front of her that she feels scared, too, but maybe she's more afraid of losing someone who means so much to her, who is literally the reason she's gotten through everything she did. That maybe he thinks he's a monster but she's something else in him, that he is the sole reason she could endure that harrowing night.

I WANT THEM TO HAVE AN HONEST HEART TO HEART SO BADLY. I feel like we MUST be going that direction. There's been too much build up not to. As Lil Anon put it, ILY has never been quick to reward, and we must go through the ups and downs to get there. We've had this moment dangled in front of us for so long but we're not getting it easy. But we can see it in the narrative - the emphasis on their mutually realized feelings, that Nol was given that 3 day extension that leads so close to Christmas, the emphasis on her mouth, that these feelings happened before he went to jail. If there wasn't going to be a resolution, NONE of this would have needed to happen, especially not the 3 day extension. Quimchee is absolutely drawing this out - and not even in the "putting up pointless obstacles just to draw it out" kind of way but in the "you are going to be so satisfied when we get there" kind of way lol. It's just so easy to get spooked because that's what the writing is doing! That's tension, baby.

Hopeful optimism is always my downfall lmao but I just feel like we ARE going to have that resolution, that even if there's no relationship at this time, they will know where they stand, that she can convince him not to push her away, that they are too important to give each other up. Whatever he's afraid of, they can brave it together! I WANT IT AND I FEEL LIKE IT'S SO CLOSE OKAY AND I'MA FLKJAFLKJAF AFLKJAFLKJAFKLA FLKJAFLAKJFLKAFJLAFKAFKLAFJAFKJFKAA

We were given two small asides about Nol's phone and the Bible, and I wonder if we'll be seeing those play out the 22nd. The phone is obviously coming in Kousuke's visit next week, but I wonder: does it even work anymore after everything that happened? It was still working after the pool fall, which feels like a miracle, but after falling from the second floor, after getting slammed around in the snow, now covered in blood, will it still be able to turn back on?! lmao I'm not sure what to make yet of Alyssa's messages left hanging like that, especially after walking "into the light" with Gun. There's the fact that she's off to some schedule, so could there be a chance for those dating rumors to come up that she has to strike down? On the one hand, they feel like they could be left hanging, which kind of feels so symbolic of their whole relationship lmao but. IDK!!!! At the very least it probably needs a charge LMAO but idk idk this is the area I get murky because I think it can go so many ways. I don't think Nol has any intention of breaking up with her at this time, especially because he'll probably try to use it as a shield against Shinae, but.... I've always felt the break up would come from her due to dating rumors. Especially because of how bad his reputation is at this point (violence, roofies which makes it sound like he sexually assaults people) it would be EASY for Alyssa's agency to spin it and make it sound like indeed, she does not have a relationship with him and in fact he has frightened her or something. They were even in public at the Christmas party arguing even on the dance floor, before what happened later so. Idk SOMETHING will come of that, I'm sure.

But I'm also hoping referencing the Bible means that maybe he will find it when everyone else has left and he's bored - especially if his phone won't turn on - and take a look at the letters Shinae mentioned, since he only thought there was the one.

This is really important to me, because I need Nol so badly to see how he stands in the same place his father did. I want him to be able to better understand his parents - how his mom stayed clinging to a married man who she could not really be with, how she uprooted her child and herself to move closer to him. How she tried over and over to be there for him, to try to support him, and Rand didn't allow it. How unlike Rand, Nol has less to lose. He isn't married, he doesn't have a child, a family. He doesn't NEED to stay in a relationship that will only suffocate him, that will turn him into a hollow husk of a man like Rand did. I NEED him to realize that he is on a fast track of following in his father's footsteps, in becoming this empty meaningless man.

I want him to see how Rand's feelings for Nessa never went away. Even after she died, he still carried her around in that Bible. In her letters, in the photograph of Nol. He carried her around because he never got over her. And is Nol prepared to live that way?

This is also why I'm perfectly fine with Nol and Shinae kissing before he and Alyssa break up, because I think it would help him better understand his parents - how Rand had a duty to his marriage, but he fell in love with someone who actually meant something, and how she was the love of his life that he never got over. To understand how his mom could be with someone who was married. For him to understand that feelings are NOT logical, that you can't really control them. He never meant to develop feelings for the girl his friend likes - but it still happened.

Maybe if Nol can understand them, it will help him forgive them a little, give him a tiny bit of peace. And hopefully help him to make the right decision, to accept the love people give him, and to face his fears together with them.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

[inevitably-johnlocked]

Hi!

I've been following your blog for years by now and I love your blog. You guided me through my two year long Johnlock obsession.

Ever since I found your blog, I considered posting fic recs myself. I made a collection of ineffable husbands fics but I dont know where to start.

Any advice?

Hi Lovely! *HUGS*

First of all, I am HONOURED that you think so highly of my blog, and that it's an inspiration to you!

Secondly, my primary advice is to figure an organization system out ahead of time, and be prepared to sink all your time into it LOL. Because I wish I figured it out years and YEARS ago.

Well, that also depends upon how obsessively you decide to run the blog. I am in a unique position where my obsessive personality is perfect for organizational skills, and in turn my brain doesn't know when to stop. Running my blog takes up a large chunk of my time, especially running it at the volume of fic recs I currently do. Which is another tip, DO NOT RUN IT AT THE INSANE LEVELS I DO. It will drain you LOL I'm not trying to dissuade you at ALL, I just want you to be aware that running fic rec blog as niche as mine is VERY exhausting <3

I've actually made a few posts from previous asks, but this post from 2021 is still relevant and has links to other posts you can rabbit-hole after reading it. Just to avoid me repeating things I've already said a lot :)

If you have any questions after checking those out that I don't cover in that link, please feel free to ask me. I GENUINELY want to see y'all do things you enjoy, and there is a sense of accomplishment that I get when y'all come to me for advice. To me the recs are worth it so long as people still keep coming back.

[be-the-glenn-to-my-maggie]

Quick! Name your fav unfinished/abandoned fanfics. Maybe shouting their names into the void will bring them back like some kind of Beetlejuice situation.

(A gal can dream lol)

Cool ask!! You didn't ask me to specify a fandom, so I didn't. As I've been going through my bookmarks, tagging them and sorting them into the correct collections, I've noticed several unfinished that I miss. Please do not judge how incredibly insanely varied my tastes are. If an author had a tumblr, I tagged it. Please note this list is heavily influenced by nostalgia:

At the Office by wolfqueen1015 , 62/70 chapters, The 100, multiship (but I read it for linctavia (Lincoln/Octavia Blake)), last updated 2/22/2021.

As a linctavia shipper, I actually did not care if Clarke was with Bellamy or Lexa, and read many a fic I enjoyed that went either way for side linctavia. (I will sincerely apologize for that @catthestral497). This is a bellarke fic, beware. It's just a silly stupid social media fic that I found really funny in 10th grade, and I actually think is still funny. I want my last eight chapters.

operation braven by orphan_account , 19/? chapters, The 100, multiship (but I read it for linctavia (Lincoln/Octavia Blake)), last updated 7/3/2018.

It's my honest prerogative to say The 100 is a bad show, it's really not good, but I have read this fanfiction all the way through at least five times and some of it lives in my brain in place of childhood memories. Again, it's a silly social media fic but it's so funny, I miss it.

Infinite Variations by Someone_else_before , 17/? chapters, Stranger Things, mileven (Mike Wheeler/Eleven), last updated 1/1/2018.

My guilty pleasure for so so long has been 2016 post season one Stranger Things fics. I think they have infinitely cooler plotlines than the actual show. This is slightly different, it's a full season one rewrite where the Demogorgan never comes and never takes Will, and Eleven and Mike meet through dreams. I could die to find out how this fic ends, it's been like six years.

Perry the Evil-Adjacent Boyfriend series by Kereea , 15/? works, Phineas and Ferb, perryshmirtz (Heinz Doofenshmirtz/Perry the Platypus), last updated 8/29/2020.

STAY WITH ME ON THIS. Me and my roommate decided to explore this tag as a joke (highly recommend), and I stumbled upon this?? Incredibly sweet and wholesome gem?? Anyways its about a human Perry who quits OWCA and adopts the kids after his brother Lawrence and Lawrence's wife Linda die in a car accident (insane premise) and then him and Doof raise the kids with Vanessa? It's literally so wholesome and cute and family friendly, god I love this fic I have to go read it again I wish there was more.

New Elysium by Cloud_Nine , 16/? chapters, The Walking Dead, multiship (but I read it for gleggie (Glenn Rhee/Maggie Greene) and richonne (Rick Grimes/Michonne)) last updated 3/21/2021.

This fanfiction. Lives with me almost every day, I am FURIOUS that there isn't more of it. This is a fic about the members of Rick's group waking up before the apocalypse began but some have their memories of the events to come, so they start gathering, finding each other, and setting up the best location to hunker down. I just for some reason could spend hours reading about their little house mission and the seeds and working on getting generators to the farm, god, the tension of the time ticking down gets me.

New Chat Created: North Island Daggers by Comin2U , 24/24 (now marked complete), Top Gun movies, multiship (but I read it for icemav (Tom "Iceman" Kazansky/Pete "Maverick" Mitchell) and a lil for the hangster (Jake "Hangman" Seresin/Bradley "Rooster" Bradshaw), last updated 7/29/2022.

This fic, ohohoho. By now you all know I love a social media au, a text fic, anything of the sort. But this fic is creme of the crop of any social media au. It's just so magnificent. It's my fav thing ever, which is found family, and involves my two favorite things to see in a Top Gun fic; icemav adopting the dagger squad post mission, and also the Daggers being shocked and then pissed at Rooster when they discover Mav is married to Ice. Also Ice using sign is always a fucking bonus to me.

Spider Sully series by @alexihollis , 11/? works, James Cameron Avatar movies, Spider Socorro & Sully Family, last updated 4/11/2023.

I've raved about this fic enough for you all, but once again! This is the og and if I had my way it would go on forever and ever and never end. Especially now that it's ended up on the front lines fighting for aocorro, which you all also know I've recently decided I enjoy.

I Believe We're The Enemy by reginalds , 7/10 chapters, Spartacus (2010), nagron (Nasir/Agron), last updated 8/13/2015.

This fanfiction was last updated in 2015, but I only watched 2010 Spartacus in 2021 and that's what hurts most of all, huh? What a fantastic show. There would probably be a ton more nagron fics on here but I stopped reading unfinished fics from 2012 😔. Like genuinely though I've bled that fandom dry, I've read every single Barca/Pietros fic that exists.

The Pride of Burrough House by RonsGirlFriday @constitutionalweasleymonarchy , 23/65 chapters, Harry Potter series, multiship, last updated 12/8/2023.

This fic is still being updated, I believe it's just slow because each chapter is an epic. It's just really cool and you all should read it. It's a regency era Harry Potter fic which like, all the ships getting their own plot. Also love love Harry just, growing up rich and cool with his parents lol. I think the dialogue is super fun and I'm very invested in every characters plot so far.

a study in poor judgement by cze , 7/8 chapters, The Goldfinch, boreo (Theodore Decker/Boris Pavlikovsky), last update 8/29/2022.

It's so close though!!! I've read every boreo fanfiction that exists too, and for a bummer of a book, it's a bummer of a fandom as well lol. This fic (although it also manages to be a bummer), puts Theo in such a funny predicament that it combats enough of the bummer-ness that I just loved it. And just like almost every other boreo fic, it's stupidly well written.

Best Laid Plans by voiceoftime @music-is-love-90 , 30/40 chapters, Bridgerton, kanthony (Kate Sharma/Anthony Bridgerton), last updated 3/24/2023.

This is my favorite of my favorite type Bridgerton fics to read, which is Kate and Anthony courting from the beginning instead of the nonsense with Edwina. And this one is just *chefs kiss* I think it's still being updated as well though. Hopefully.

Holding On and Letting Go by Nizhoni93 , 9/? chapters, The Black Phone, rinney (Finney Blake/Robin Arellano), last updated 9/8/2023.

I have pushed this fic before, but once again it is absolutely heartbreaking. I cried seven separate times reading just one of the chapters. I need it finished so I know if it works the fuck out, because I literally cannot handle ghost Robin being stuck watching the boy he loves but can't see him for the rest of Finney's life.

When Eywa Sleeps, So Do Her Children by Aye_Dei , 9/9 (now marked as complete), James Cameron Avatar movies, Ao'nung/Neteyam/Spider, last updated 10/23/2023.

This one is a massive bummer, as it was ended due to newfound bigotry, but I was really enjoying it before it was discontinued.

And finally, I just wanted to express my deep disappointment that my icemav Star Wars au was deleted halfway through. I'm mad about it.

[unstableblond]

story time about how my older sister is a horrible person lol

my sister was always irresponsible and never really cared about anything other than MEN

she literally abandoned her children because of men because her life was destroyed by herself because of this obsession with men, and the funny thing is that all the men she ever dated were all insane and just as broke as she was

her daughter's father took his daughter to live with him because my sister was clearly not a good mother, there was even one time when she went out drinking and trying to k herself while her children were with her, which is completely crazy and disgusting of her!! she literally didn't even care about the trauma it caused her children and all this because of a damn man

i remember the night i took care of my cousin and it broke my heart to see her crying and i spent the whole time trying to calm her down..and it makes me angry how she was taken away from us..she was not only a cousin but also a best friend to me

in the final months of 2021 i found out that my sister's boyfriend hit her and i knew this only because i heard her conversation with my mom, my blood started bubbling when i heard this and i wanted so bad to destroy this guy..she broke up with him later and then one day we had a conversation together and she swore to me that she would never go back with that man but at the same time she said that she missed him ugh i said it's normal to feel attached to a person but no matter what she shouldn't get back together with him, she promised me, but a while after that i found out that she got back together with him AND IT MADE ME SO INSANELY ANGRY i swear!! i never felt so mad as i felt that day.. but she is an adult woman and we cannot control her choices but only advise so there was nothing we could do..i told to mom that if my sister wants to keep that monster then ok but i didn't want her to bring that monster close to our family and she agreed but after a few months my mother and i moved to a new address and guess what 💀 she came to my new house to help and brought that damn man and I literally freaked out and started screaming saying a lot of things to him and her

i screamed loudly that i didn't want him in my house or near my family or i would report him to the police for abusing my sister and this bastard left with my sister who got mad at me for literally making getting mad at her for getting back together with her abuser 💀 she really thought i would be smiling, jumping, and dropping flowers when i see that she was back with her abuser bffr

she has stolen money from my mom many times throughout her life without even asking permission and she always did that with my mom's clothes too

in addition to dating broke and unstable men, she tries to bring them into our lives to become our problem too because she wants to destroy our lives just like she did with her own

we don't want to meet your new boyfriends who literally always have the same pattern among themselves and always end in the worst way possible so stop bringing them to our homes girl

she thinks she's always right and when someone scolds her for her behavior she acts like she's 14 it's funny how pissed off she gets because we're always right and she's wrong but she doesn't accept that

at the beginning of the pandemic, she literally moved to live with us and her damn boyfriend, a different man than the one i mentioned minutes ago, but he was as sh*t as any other man she had ever dated..and it was literally a big hell in our lives having to put up with her and her boyfriend plus she also had her other two children living with us in a house that wasn't even that big 💀 every day i woke up and wished i was de@d because living there was unbearable

this guy was very obese, in addition to being obese he also had problems with his legs and had to walk with the support of something

i was so stressed out that he was always walking around at the speed of a turtle and i couldn't even walk past him because his body was LITERALLY taking up all the space there was

she had to bring her damn man with her to destroy our lives for a whole 1 or 2 years

the craziest thing of all is that my mom had to work and pay for everything for my sister and her useless boyfriend who did nothing but lay around

and in the end even though he could barely move he cheated on her and that makes me laugh every time i remember it

she even dated a guy who destroyed her entire house, tried to str@ngle her and even threatened her and brought him into our house putting us at risk because this guy was literally insane and could k us all because of her

i know that after i'm no longer here she or her children may try to defame me to make me look like a horrible person just to alleviate their mistakes that are being exposed by me rn lol i just want to make it clear that if you say anything bad about me and make up lies i swear i will come back as a vengeful spirit and ruin each and every one of your lives (oops i forgot..her life is already ruined lol but maybe i can make it worse) we all know you are a liar and a terrible person and unfortunately your children are the same, don't try me girl.

[teruel-a-witch]

tag 9 people you'd like to know better

i was tagged weeks ago by @crackers4jenn (*waves* sorry it takes me ages, i'm a scatterbrain)

last song: had to check my youtube history because i rarely listen to music and apparently it was precious by depeche mode on July 12th, lol. it's the soundtrack at the end of bones 1x10 and rewatching the episode always makes me want to listen to the song again.

currently watching: of the shows that are still on right now, only what we do in the shadows. (i think how i met your father s2 officially ended, i mean to pick nancy drew back up but i don't remember where in s3 I fell behind) but i'm in a perpetual process of rewatching/watching so many things, just since the beginning of the summer i've rewatched s3-5 of community, the entirety of black books, went back to white collar which i had abandoned after s2 and watched s3-4 in full before getting distracted, i am also in a neverending rewatch of castle and bones that's been going on since like 2016. earlier this year i was rewatching rizzoli&isles, warehouse 13, grimm, etc. did not finish them all. i jump around a lot depending on my mood. also mean to get back to my lucifer and wynonna earp rewatch at some point. i very rare finish shows and then i get back and have to start from the beginning and then i don't finish anyway, it's a vicious circle, i don't like saying goodbye. also i have no attention span. i guess technically i am also in the process of watching hawaii five-0 but i haven't watched any new (for me) episodes in a loooong time because canon is such a drag compared to the happy au land i've been living in. i do also watch some shows that are on hiatus right now but i probably wouldn't even remember them all. i only remember when they come back. suffice to say i watch a lot of tv lol.

currently reading: embarrassingly, nothing. only stuff that comes up on my tumblr dash 🤷🏻‍♀️. i haven't even read fanfic since ao3 was blocked in my country in april of this year. because of how my brain works if you add an extra step to something i am used to doing (aka i have to turn on vpn to open ao3 links) i am just that much less likely to do it. i miss losing myself in a book but my brain is too preoccupied by my blorbos to be able to invest in anything new.

current obsession: probably shocking to no one who follows me, it's mcdanno. this ship ate my brain in november of 2021 and since then its hold on me has not lessened at all, probably got worse, lmao. i found myself unable to gather any feelings about any of my old long time ships because all that space has been eaten up by steve and danny's insane chemistry and frustrating and wonderful epic love story. also within the mcdanno fandom the obsession of recent months has been building/brainstorming aus with aron @emphasisonthehomo (best rp partner one could wish for) . and i guess you can call making mcdanno screencap edits and metas an obsession of its own.

tagging (no pressure, only if you want to): @emphasisonthehomo , @stephmcx , @trickster-archangel , @pepperf , @wordybee , @alexihawleys , @aflawedfashion , @annieaceofhearts , @lukeclvez

[silvmoonsky]

I hope it's okay if i ask what happened in miraculousfanworks? /gen /cur

hiiii <3 yeah, i've never expressed my thoughts on main before but it's been awhile so i don't really care anymore lol. i should clarify that there isn’t necessarily anything "new" that’s happened. i haven’t been on the server since last year (i left about a year ago). and i modded from september 2020 to september 2021 - so again, it’s been awhile. i just have a lot of pent up frustration from my own experiences, as well as frustration regarding other former mods that have also had bad experiences, and was reminded of all of it (which is why i made that post lmao).

my main issue with the server is the management - more specifically, most of the head admins. they were really toxic honestly. the server was a discord server for a kids show. the way they ran the server was as if it was a corporation making money for profits. they were way too obsessed with every single statistic regarding engagement, treated modding like it was a job rather than something we did in our spare time, etc. it was so dumb. and that tanked their engagement actually lol, so much so that they are bringing back events got rid of previously because the events had "too little" engagement, and therefore was deemed useless even when other moderators (me included) wanted to keep running said event. SO IT'S FUCKING BULLSHIT. the server was 10x more active when it had <500 members than it is now, with over 3k. they also were very corporate when it came to modding itself. meaning. there were pages and pages of documents that had sets of rules to follow, a three strike system for moderators (where if you got 3 strikes you were off the team), etc. again: it was a discord server FOR A KIDS SHOW. they were fucking insane lmao.

but that's not even the biggest problem. the main issue for me was the way they treated the minors who were on the mod team. and this is something i realized way after i stepped down as a mod. i really wish i realized it sooner, but it is what it is lol. but basically: i was 14 when i joined the team. i was 15 when i stepped down. i was really young. a lot of my friends who were on the team, either at the same time as me or after, were also pretty young - 14, 15, 16, 17. there were also people who were 18, 19, in their 20s, etc. but i have several issues with the way the admins, 30+ year old adults, treated the minors, actually. for one, they treated them like adults. as in - often they would give a minor a responsibility that was too much for them to handle, realize that "oh of course they can't handle this, it's because they're a minor and they can't be trusted" and then reprimand them or whatever and hand over the responsibility to adults. like. if you want to have minors act like adults, just add adults to the mod team. lmao. i will admit at times, i acted immature. but i was also FIFTEEN. idk what these adults expected from a 15 year old. but on the flip side, they also knew that minors were easily more dedicated to running discord servers. so they kept adding minors to the mod team, even when they were originally going to stop. they gave them huge "projects" such as running social medias, and then complained when things weren't being done a certain way, etc. they were very manipulative. the admins always claimed you could talk about any concerns you had, and that it was okay to disagree with them. once i brought up an issue i had to an admin. maybe i could've brought it up better, but i was very honest about exactly what i felt, and expressed that i didn't like the decisions the admins were making. and i was accused of gaslighting. again, i was FIFTEEN talking to an adult who was over twice my age. that was honestly extremely shitty.

there are also a lot of other specific instances of them accusing/hurting minors on the team. i don't really want to talk about those because they are personal and it's not my place to tell, but it's important to note that it was not just me who had issues. i can genuinely name over 10 former mods (minors and adults) who have had awful experiences/regret ever having modded for the server. the admins played favorites a lot. they swept issues under the rug and let people who shouldn't have stayed on the team, stay on the team; meanwhile, they demoted other people without even bothering to tell them because they decided they weren't contributing enough. it was a shitshow.

there is so much more i haven't talked about, but i'm just gonna stop here for now. i don't really know the current situation of the mod team. in 2022, i still had friends on the team, so i know there were still many issues then, but now idk anyone so i can't say for sure that things are as bad now as they were then (but also, the server may not just be active enough for there to be issues, lmao). but most of the admins i've referred to are still on the team. so that.... should be telling enough, tbh. they never change. they didn't learn from the mistakes they made in 2020, or 2021, and from what i've heard, certainly not in 2022, either. so i am pretty sure things are the same lol.

if you have any questions, lmk, but if they're extremely specific i probably won't answer them (publicly, at least. if you want to send me an ask/dm me off anon feel free).

[wexpyke]

.

this past year has actually been so crazy, like… it started with me taking a long, proper break from my MA thesis, which turned into me finally admitting i shouldn’t have chosen this degree and i’m incapable of finishing it at this current moment in time. maybe (hopefully) i’ll do it at some point in the future, when i feel better, but we’ll see. i just can’t force myself, because that’s only ever had a negative impact.

i’ve also had to come to terms with how much of an impact the crippling loneliness i experienced for the vast majority of 2020, 2021, and 2022 has had on me. i’m not really in a place yet where i can fix it, which is incredibly frustrating because i so badly want to fix it. it still affects me to this day and no one in my environment seems to truly understand it.

tried to get back into my old hobbies, like reading, writing, and messing around in photoshop. mostly succeeded, for about half the year.

in june i lost my dog whom i love(d) more than i can describe. we only had him for a year, but he was my fucking rock. he was the reason i got out of bed in the morning, the reason i managed to drag my ass outside and go for a proper walk in the woods & by the seaside, and the reason i smiled every day. i still miss him so much.

i attended my sister’s wedding, went on a disastrous holiday with my bf, and we chose to adopt a new dog. taking care of him has been a lot. “i love you, but god, at what cost?!” has been my main feeling towards him for the past few months. i’ve had moments where i want to pull my hair out in frustration because of him, but i also love him so much. it’s been confusing.

for the past few months i’ve been half-assing (if not quarter-assing) finding a job, because there’s nothing in our kind of rural, small town i think i’d actually enjoy, and because of my mental health, i know i need to find something i’ll enjoy or i might ***.

had the worst birthday in recent memory. just, god. wish i could forget.

visited dublin with my bf. spent some time with his family. worried about ronan (our puppy) a lot.

oh! had a fucking breast cancer scare. and a terrible experience with the health care system here, again! had one in may too. so that’s great! that’s definitely making me want to reach out to them to try to see if i can get a referral for therapy!

just a week or two ago i got into the biggest fight i’ve ever been in with my sister, which ruined the family holiday and almost could’ve ended our relationship altogether. we talked it out after a few days and we’re all good now, but it was an insanely stressful week that was so incredibly emotionally draining. cannot emphasise enough how tired i still am from it all.

christmas was weird because of it. had some good food and wine, though, and got some nice presents.

finished my theon fic exchange fic, somehow. i hadn’t written anything since my dog died, because i fully lost all of my motivation to write and my enjoyment in writing. i enjoyed writing it. hopefully i’ll be able to get back into writing again.

read 13 books this year. my goal was 15. i really want to get back into reading, but alas. started the wheel of time series, though, so maybe that will help. reading all of those would already almost complete my goal for next year, lol.

i hope next year will be kinder. i really need it to be. i know i’ll try my best to be kinder; to myself and to others.

[oswlld]

Eight (8) Shows to Get to Know Me

tagged by @talays-portkey ♥ ty for tagging me and having me walk down memory lane for the past few days (spent too much time in all the tags microdosing on my upbringing)

DISCLAIMER: i wanted to showcase defining eras in my life/made an impact in a substantial way; i’m also recommending an ep to watch with each one, which isn’t part of the tag format but imma do it

--

i. LOST (2004-2010)

this was my whole world for my entire hs existence and into my early college years. half of the shows listed here stems from my first love of the ensemble cast, their interwoven yet clandestine storylines, and the mystery box. at my first sdcc, half of the cast was present when they debuted p1 of the series finale (you’d think i was dead the whole time fksfsk;lv)

the jessi special: The Constant (04x05)

ii. Fringe (2008-2013)

yes, i faithfully followed jj abrams into another insane show. i think it actually altered my brain chemistry, rewired something in me, devoured a piece of me. once LOST was over and Fringe brought in the alternate universe, i dove in head first and never resurfaced

the jessi special: Making Angels (04x11)

iii. Doctor Who (2005-Present)

i think it was technically winter 2010 when i started binging this show because s6 was my first time catching it live (was young and naïve, i caught it on bbca lol) ive been on hellsite for almost two years at the time and fully became a fandom blog, so it was inevitable i would love this series. i think it was the first show i made gifs/edits for???

the jessi special: The Doctor’s Wife (06x04)

iv. Lizzie Bennet Diaries (2012-2013)

oh look, my dna makeup shifts again. i actually started watching this show the week leading up to Darcy Day and can still vividly remember the migraines from binging 8-10min eps times 60ish worth of content. this show got me into writing my first fic, running an rp blog, creating instrumental playlists, making a DWxLBD blog, AND eventually flying my ass back to CA to meet the cast and beloved mutuals at VidCon

the jessi special: A New Buddy (ep56)

v. Orphan Black (2013-2017)

happy international women’s day to this show and this show only! i think of all the shows listed here, this is the first time since LOST i caught all the eps in real time from the very beginning. this was filling the hole Fringe was about to carve deep in me. but if you cut me open, you will find the beth-shaped hole that nothing/no one has been able to fill and likely will never fill til the end of time

the jessi special: The Collapse of Nature (04x01)

vi. Shadowhunters (2016-2019)

im willing to admit that the reason i got into this show was because of the wedding kiss haha i saw the clip, signed the adoption papers on the spot, and went on to write a 100K+ wip series. admittedly, i confess that this was a DNF and never finished the last season... i abandoned my boy.gif

the jessi special: Of Men and Angels (01x06)

vii. Sense8 (2015-2018)

a show about eight children than i gave birth to, that i raised on my own, that i will defend on my death bed and beyond??? that show sense8?? yes that show sense8. fun fact, when they did the screening of the finale in Chicago, the cast ended up sitting three rows behind me in the theater and i could hear them talking in between scenes the entire evening. wish i could bottle that feeling up

the jessi special: I Have No Room in My Heart for Hate (02x07)

viii. Bad Buddy (2021-2022)

and we finally made it to the current decade! its nov 2021, im fresh off leaving my previous job and still getting situated in my new position, yet this show was a siren calling to me in the dark mist of my life. i ended up saving the binge watching for the week of my bday and my whole life shifted again. it must have been so alarming on the outside, seeing me go from making 1-2 edits a month to 1-2 edits a day for almost THREE MONTHS. the fact that i still cont to avg two edits/week since then... oy lol

the jessi special: Ep10 (shocked pikachu.jpg)

and ill also throw some honorable mentions too: Chuck, The Good Place, Vice Versa, Twenty Five Twenty One, Once Upon a Time, and Elementary

--

now tagging @pranink, @icouldhyperfixatehim, @noxclara, @curious-earth (no pressure tho!)

[winemom-culture]

My endocrinology appointment wasn’t good and I’m sad

My heart rate and blood pressure were both high. These things, weight loss, and my eye symptoms were the initial symptoms of my Grave’s back 2 years ago. So my doctor was like… I think you might be hyperthyroid again based on your heart.

But I don’t really know if my heart is a great metric. Bc like, my heart rate is always high. Especially at the doctor when I get anxious. I told her this, but in order to consider it not related to the thyroid she wants to see my bloodwork (expected) and a cardiologist work up. Which, that part feels a little excessive to me when I don’t necessarily think there’s anything wrong I just have a little bird heart. Arrhythmia runs very heavily on my dads side but it gives them problems with palpitations, I don’t really have those often, just like a fast baseline constantly. When I first got diagnosed with Grave’s my HR could’ve been 130-40 easy RESTING, so I sorta feel like 120 while anxious (what it was today) is relatively better? When I’m at home it definitely feels like normal until I exert. She’s like “You have to stay on beta blocker until you get your heart under 80 bpm” and I’m like lol. No offense but my heart is like never consistently under 80 even on the beta blockers 🥲 beta blockers became a big crutch to me last year and I feel like getting off them made me feel weird even though they are non-addictive I am semi-convinced that’s why I became so hyperfixated on my heart in my big anxiety spiral in 2021. I really don’t want back on them….

The thing I’m definitely NOT experiencing now is weight loss. I did the math and I’m like 80 pounds heavier then when I started going to her in 2020. And she has said that is from the thyroid medicine. Not that the medicine is bad, it’s doing it’s job of blocking thyroid hormone, but in turn that slows my metabolism a lot. I’ve tried to express my concerns about the constant weight gain, the fact that I feel like a ravenous monster, that I just can’t get a grip on it at multiple past appointments and I feel like she kinda brushes that off, always just “so anyways about that heart…..”

So now I get blood work next week for a moment of truth to see what the deal is. If I’m hyperthyroid I have to get back on my meds and probably consider surgery to take it out (that I don’t have time, money or a support system for- because my parents would be against this. That’s a whole other insane can of worms.) OR I am still in a balanced thyroid state but have to go figure out what’s wrong with my heart.

My health OCD is immediately revving up about being alone at my place, like “you don’t want to be alone all the time with high heart rate and blood pressure do you? What if you stroke out and die? Right there where you’re sitting?” Which is funny, ‘cause yesterday I didn’t know any better and was perfectly fine being alone, while presumably in the exact same boat healthwise. Ignorance was bliss

I’m feel like I’m gaining like 5 pounds every time I step on a scale and it’s so frustrating and upsetting, I literally have to get it figured out and under control this year. I’m totally just overwhelmed and don’t know how to start or how to truly stick to it. I cried my whole way home and I’m getting myself worked up again venting this out. Hope I can keep that pain fresh in my mind as motivation. Real meltdown hours. I don’t want all these problems at 26. It’s making me think about stuff down the road, what if I decide in 2 or 3 years I do want to have another kid after all? I genuinely don’t think as it is right now I would be medically advised to try. It only gets more high-risk as I get older. The thyroid and fertility/complications go hand in hand. It’s like, y’know, that’s awhile down the road there’s still time, but I’m 2 years out from initial diagnosis and as of right now I feel much more vaguely unhealthy in a general sense than I did then.

I just wish there were a more receptive endo around here but as far as I can tell from looking in the past, this office is really the best we got rn.

[catboyolli]

Omg I love DnD and I love this concept 😍 Can you share any more details? Like have you settled on specific character classes for everyone yet? And have you already created some art for the story?

hiiiiiiiii thank you so much for the ask!!!! I love talking about this stupid concept that has been rotting in my head since 2021 😬💖 and oh well, this one is gonna be long but if you also have any ideas I would love to hear them 🥰💘💕💖💕

But okay, I lied because I have two concepts related to high fantasy ( I am so normal about this lol)

For the "main" project I went with Pathfinder 1e because it has so many classes to choose from, that I didn't have to rely on homebrew stuff (and because I had to learn how this system works and after 5 years I still don't get some of the stuff 😅), so I settled on:

Joel as a haunted spiritualist looking to get rid of his phantom (spellcaster with occult magic and a "pet" aka phantom)

Niko as an urban skald who pledged to retake his family's ancestral land (d&d's bard/barbarian multiclass, probably will change the backstory because it feels too meh).

Joonas as a flamesinger bard, he's just some lucky guy and nothing bad has happened to him (yet), other than some tasteless patrons disliking his music

Olli as a stargazer oracle searching for many answers in the stars (kiiiiinda like a cleric, but not devoted to any or to a single god)

Tommi as an aspect of the bear shifter whose druidic circle succumbed to corruption (melee shapeshifter, kinda like d&d's circle of the moon druid)

Aleksi as a universalist arcanist tasked with paying back a heavy family debt and no, it isn't related to money at all (d&d's sorcerer/wizard multiclass, he gets to summon a familiar and ofc it's Rilla 🥰)

If I go with that, I'm going to use Paizo's Pathfinder main campaign setting because I really don't want to come up with the worldbuilding lol (tbh that would imply creating a lot of everything from scratch, unless I actually go 100% insane and do it........)

The 2nd one is another fantasy AU where they are tieflings because who doesn't love tieflings???? I used d&d 5e and assigned one ability score to each of the boys:

Strength: Tommi as a Zariel bloodline tiefling, Path of the Totem Warrior (bear ofc) Barbarian (he strong)

Dexterity: Aleksi as a Mammon bloodline tiefling, Arcane Trickster Rogue (he's a rich little shit who loves to steal for fun)

Constitution: Joel as a Levistus bloodline tiefling, Blood Hunter from the Order of the Profane Soul with an Undead patron (I know it's mouthful but yeah.....)

Intellect: Olli as a Mephistopheles bloodline tiefling, Artillerist Artificier (and before anyone says oh but Olli is a dumbass, why intelligence? Listen. He's actually smart, but he's sooooo forgetful that not all his creations succeed...)

Wisdom: Niko as a Baalzebub bloodline tiefling, War Domain Cleric (originally I wanted to assign him the strenght attribute and Tommi would have the wisdom one, but I feel it works better this way. Niko seems to be a very wise dude IRL and not as physically strong as Tommi)

Charisma: Joonas as an Asmodeus bloodline tiefling, Wild Magic Sorcerer (I really really wanna homebrew a devil bloodline for this)

I haven't thought of any backstories or a storyline for this AU, I'm just vibing with the concept 😅 a lof of inspiration for the designs (that are in my mind ofc) comes from Pointy Hat's tiefling video, which please go watch if you haven't, it's an amazing channel.

I have a complicated relationship with art due to Not Having Enough Time And Skill. I tried to make some art back when I was choosing the horns and skin tones for tiefling!Olli, but I got frustrated and left it there to rot lol (+ i didn't like the style + took too much time)

For skin tones + eye color variation: red / purple / blue

Zoom of the two concepts I "finished" 😬 (smooth vs ribbed horns)

But yeah, that's mostly it! I wish I had more to show you, but I'm hoping to have enough time work on the tiefling!AU around December or early 2024😊

Again, thank you for enabling me to ramble about something I really really really love 🥺💕💖💘💖💕💖