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trini-trin-trin · 3 years

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Sharing this from a FB group that I am in. I was very moved by the article and felt affinity with the experiences shared. A really sweet read.

Here is the article if you don't want to click on the link (I know it is a little long, but well worth your time to read!):

The letter I received ten years ago was unsigned and bore no return address. Clearly its author did not expect, much less want, a reply. A message in a bottle, from no one to no one, that letter still remains the most bizarre form of communication. It asks nothing but to be read, promises nothing but to share a few facts and feelings, and, seeing that it must have been dashed off on a lined yellow sheet that seemed hastily torn out of a pad of paper, the author would not be surprised if, after skimming through it, the recipient decided to crumple and lob it into the closest dust bin.

The letter is one page long. One page is enough. The handwriting is uneven, perhaps because the author had lost the habit of writing in longhand and preferred the keyboard. But his grammar is perfect. The man knew what he was doing. I assume he was writing the note by hand because he didn’t want traces of it on his laptop, or because he knew he was never going to send it as an email and risk a reply. Now that I think of it, he probably didn’t care if it even reached its recipient, a local Bay Area reporter who had mentioned my novel about two young men who fall in love one summer in Italy in the mid-1980s. The reporter eventually forwarded it to me, minus its envelope with the postmark. It took no time to see that all the author of the letter was looking for was a chance to blurt out the words he couldn’t dare breathe elsewhere.

My book had spoken to him. His letter spoke to me.

So here it is: dated April 16, 2008.

I came upon Mr. Aciman’s book while on a business trip back East. Not the type of book I am normally able to read, so I bought a copy for the flight home. I think I’m glad I did.

You see, I was Elio. I was 18 and my Oliver was 22. Though the time and place were different, the feelings were remarkably the same. From believing that you are the only person who has these feelings, to the whole “he loves me – he loves me not” scenario, Mr. Aciman got it right. I was particularly impressed with the attention he gave to the morning after Elio’s and Oliver’s first encounter. The guilt, the loathing, the fear. I felt it too much. I had to put the book down for a while.

But in the end I was able to finish the book before we landed at SFO. Which was good, because I couldn’t take the book home. Unlike Elio it was I who married and had children. My Oliver died from AIDS in 1995. I’m still living a parallel life. My name is not important. His name was Dwight.

Instead, I kept the letter. I kept it for ten years.

What moved me was not just its sobering matter-of-factness or its hint of downplayed sorrow, but the associations it provoked in my mind. It reminded me of those short, clipped messages to loved ones, written by people about to be shipped off to the death camps who knew they’d never be heard from again. There is a chilling immediacy about their hurriedly scribbled notes that say everything there is to say in the fewest possible words — there wasn’t enough time for more, no smarmy pieties, no hand-wringing, no treacly hugs and kisses before the tragic end. It also made me think of the moving phone messages left by those who finally realized they were not going to make it out alive from the Twin Towers and that only their family’s answering machine was going to take their call.

“My name is not important,” he writes, almost as an apology for remaining anonymous; yet the author drops quite a number of hints about himself — hints he likely knows will stir his reader’s wistful curiosity to know what made him write the letter in the first place, what he hoped to accomplish, and if writing did indeed help. The letter itself allows us to see that he travels for business. We also sense that he probably lives in the Bay Area and that he travels not infrequently to the East Coast, since, as he writes, he is “back” in the East. And we know one thing more: that he simply needed to come out and tell someone that a man called Dwight had been his lover when the two were young. The rest is a cloud. We’ll never know more. Writing has served its purpose. We write, it seems, to reach out to others. Whether we know them or not doesn’t matter. We write to put out into the real world something extremely private within us, to make real what often feels unreal and ever so elusive about ourselves. We write to give a shape to what would otherwise remain amorphous. This is as true about authors as about those who want to correspond with them. Over the years, many have written to me either after reading or seeing Call Me by Your Name. Some tried to meet me; others confided things they’d never told anyone; and some even managed to call me at the office and, on speaking about my novel, would eventually apologize before bursting out crying. Some were in jail; some were barely adolescents, others old enough to look back at loves seven decades past; and some were priests locked in silence and secrecy. Many were closeted, others totally out; some were widows who felt a resurgence of hope if only by reading about the loves of two young men called Elio and Oliver in Italy; some were very young girls eager to meet their long-awaited Oliver; and some recalled former gay lovers whom they’d occasionally bump into years later but who’d never acknowledge what they’d once shared and done together when both were schoolmates and neither was married. All were keenly aware of living a parallel life. In that parallel life things are as they perhaps should be. Elio and Oliver still live together. And no one has secrets there.

Unlike Dwight’s lover, everyone who took the time to write to me did not withhold their names, but all had, at one point or another, withheld something very primal. They withheld it from themselves, from a relative, from a friend, a classmate, or colleague, or from a beloved who would never have guessed what troubled longings seethed below their averted gaze whenever they crossed paths.

Some readers wrote to tell me they felt that my novel had changed them, and given them new insights into themselves; some felt it was urging them finally to turn a new leaf in their lives. But some couldn’t go so far and, despite their perfect command of language, confessed lacking the words to explain why they were so moved by my novel or why they felt an unresolved longing for things they’d never considered or desired before. They were experiencing an upwell of emotions and of ungraspable might-have-beens that were asking to be reckoned with because they seemed more real than life itself, a sense of themselves that beckoned from an opposite bank they’d never known was there and whose potential loss now was a source of inconsolable grief. Hence their tears, their regrets, and the overpowering sense of being lost in their own lives.

And yet, they said, theirs were not tears of sorrow. They were tears of recognition, as though the novel itself were a mirror for readers to watch their own emotions laid bare before them. These responses made me aware that Call Me by Your Name does not call attention to anything readers didn’t already know, nor does it bring new truths or revelations; all it does is shed new light on things that were long familiar but that they never took the time to consider. It would be so tempting to say that they are reminded of their forgotten first loves; the truth is that all loves, even those that occur late in life, are first loves. There is always fear, shame, reluctance, and not a tiny dose of spite. Desire is agony.

Everyone who’s read Call Me by Your Name understands not only the struggle both to speak and hold back their truth but also the shame that comes whenever we want something from someone. Desire is always cagey, always secretive — we’ll tell everyone we know about the person we crave to hold naked in our arms, but the very last one to know this will be the person we crave. Same-sex desire is even more guarded and watchful, especially in those who are just discovering their sexuality. Awkwardness and desire are strange bedfellows at a young age, but shame and inexperience are just as paralyzing as fear when we watch them tussling with the urge to be bold. You’re torn between the raw horniness that makes you dream scenes you hope to forget as soon as you’re up and the scenes you pray you’ll dream again and again — if dreams are all you’ll have. Silence and solitude exact a cost that leaves us emotionally wrecked. At some point we need to speak.

So “is it better to speak or die?” asks Elio, the narrator of Call Me by Your Name, quoting words penned by the sixteenth-century Marguerite de Navarre in her collection of tales known as The Heptameron. Marguerite was the sister of King Francis I and the grandmother of Henry IV, himself the grandfather of Louis XIV, hence she was plenty familiar with court intrigue, gossip, and the risks of opening up to someone who may not welcome what’s in our heart and could easily make us pay for it. Not everyone who has written to me has dared to speak their hearts to those they loved. Some have sought silence — slow, lingering droplets of quiet desperation taken every night before bedtime until they realize they’ve been dead and didn’t even know it. Many have written to me with the feeling of having missed their chance when someone tethered his rowboat to their jetty and simply asked them to jump in. “Some sentence or thought on almost every page,” writes a reader, “triggers tears and knots my throat and chest. Tears well up in my eyes on the subway, at my computer at work, walking down the street. Perhaps I am weeping in part because I know that at my age there is virtually no possibility of experiencing anything remotely comparable to what Elio experiences with Oliver.” Someone else writes, “Reading Call Me by Your Name made me feel a love I never had.” A happily married 50-plus colleague took me aside and said, “I don’t think I’ve ever been this much in love in my whole life.” “I'm 23,” tweeted someone else, “and have never felt such love, until I read Call Me by Your Name. I feel like I lived it.” “Elio and I are essentially the same age,” writes a teenage girl. “I have never really experienced his environment of the Italian summer…My experiences have only taken place halfway between nature and smog, however I have felt the same tension, fear, guilt and overwhelming love that you express perfectly through both Elio and Oliver…Finding myself in Elio was something I never expected and I’m positive that I won’t experience anything quite like it ever again. The first girl I ever loved remains…the only girl I have ever loved and though everything she and I shared…lives now as a secret between two friends.” “I finished reading Call Me by Your Name a couple of days ago,” writes someone else, “and wanted to let you know how much it affected me. It felt like a narration of my thoughts that I had systematically buried long ago.” And finally this from a 72-year-old: “I was fascinated by the idea of parallel lives where would I have been if I had gone with him, where would I be if I traveled alone? Maybe the point is just what do I do with the gift you have given me during the remainder of my life.”

There are at least 500 more such letters and emails.

Some find themselves weeping at the end of the film or the novel, not for what happened long ago or for what did not and might never happen in their own lives but for what has yet to happen, for the terrifying moment when they too will soon have to decide whether to speak or die. This from an 18-year-old: “[Your novel] gives me hope that one day I will meet someone whom I desire so badly that I’ll actually find it in me to make a move, the way Oliver is that someone for Elio. Maybe my Oliver will also turn out to be someone that I realize I love as well as desire.” She was crying for a week, as was this 15-year-old young man: “I stopped reading…because I didn’t want [the book] to end, didn’t want the wounds that you caused me to close, I didn’t want to overcome, for some reason that I have yet to find out. I wanted to stay a wreck, emotionally and mentally fragile….My mother handed me tissues because she had never seen me cry like this. I had finished your book and ‘moved’ is too weak a word to express what your book had done to me. Here a week later and it is literally all I can think about, not my midterms coming up, but…Elio and Oliver and if it is better to speak or die. You answered questions I didn’t even think I had.”

Indeed, the whole novel seems to enable the outing of all manner of feelings, feelings from Elio’s relentless inward journey and obsessive self-examination that readers are invited to identify with. Through Elio’s unfettered introspection they too feel exposed and sliced open like a crustacean without a slough, now forced to look at itself in the mirror. No wonder they are moved. The mask that is torn off their faces is not just the mask that conceals same-sex desires from themselves and from others. Rather, it is the realization, through Elio’s voice, of what they truly feel, who they truly are, what they fear, what bears their signature, and what coy little shenanigans they go through to read others and hope to reach them. Some identified with some effusive sentences in my novel so much that they had them tattooed on their bodies. They even attach photos of these tattoos. People have also tattooed peaches on themselves!

But what moves most people — and this is as true now as it was when the novel first came out — is the father’s speech. Here he not only tells his son to nurse the flame and “don’t snuff it out” after his son’s lover has left Italy, but that he too, the father, envies his son’s relationship with a male lover. This speech tears away the last vestige of a veil between reader and truth and is a moving tribute to the irreducible honesty between father and son.

Most readers have written to me about the scene because the father’s speech rekindles the very difficult moment when they decided to come out to their parents — or, as is often the case with people 60, or 70 or older, it reminds them of the conversation they wished they’d had but never did have with their parents. This is the loss no one forgets and from which no one recovers after seeing Call Me by Your Name. It bears the very essence of that precious and life-defining might-have-been moment that never happened and never will.

Here is the speech:

“Look…[y]ou had a beautiful friendship. Maybe more than a friendship. And I envy you. In my place, most parents would hope the whole thing goes away, or pray that their sons land on their feet soon enough. But I am not such a parent. In your place, if there is pain, nurse it, and if there is a flame, don’t snuff it out, don’t be brutal with it. Withdrawal can be a terrible thing when it keeps us awake at night, and watching others forget us sooner than we’d want to be forgotten is no better. We rip out so much of ourselves to be cured of things faster than we should that we go bankrupt by the age of thirty and have less to offer each time we start with someone new. But to feel nothing so as not to feel anything — what a waste!...

“… {L]et me say one more thing. It will clear the air. I may have come close, but I never had what you had. Something always held me back or stood in the way. How you live your life is your business. But remember, our hearts and our bodies are given to us only once. Most of us can’t help but live as though we’ve got two lives to live, one is the mockup, the other the finished version, and then all those versions in between. But there’s only one, and before you know it, your heart is worn out, and, as for your body, there comes a point when no one looks at it, much less wants to come near it. Right now there’s sorrow. I don’t envy the pain. But I envy you the pain.”

I received the anonymous letter sometime in early May 2008. At the time, I was staying at my parents’, because my father was suffering from throat and mouth cancer and was already in hospice care. He had refused radiation and chemotherapy, so I knew his days were numbered; though morphine was clouding his mind, he was still lucid enough to bandy a few quips about a host of subjects. He had stopped eating and drinking water because swallowing had become very painful. One afternoon while I was stealing a nap, the phone rang. A reporter I’d met in California had just received a letter, which she wanted to share with me. I told her to read it over the phone. After she’d read it I asked if she felt she could mail it to me. I wanted to show it to my father, I said, and explained he was dying. She felt for me. We talked about my father for a while. I told her I was trying to make it up to him these days, and that he too had been exceptionally easy to be with. How was it growing up with him? she asked. Tense, I replied. Always is, she added. Then the conversation ended, and she promised to mail the letter soon.

After hanging up, I got out of bed and went in to see him. Over the past few days, I had made a point of reading to him, which he liked a great deal, especially now that he was having difficulty focusing. But rather than read to him the memoirs of Chateaubriand, one of his favorite authors, and feeling buoyed by the letter I’d been read on the phone, I asked if he’d like me to read from the French translation of Call Me by Your Name, the galleys of which I had just received from Paris that very morning. Why not, since you wrote it, he said. He was proud of me. So I began to read from the very beginning, and soon enough I knew I was opening up a subject neither he nor I had ever broached before. But I knew he knew what I was reading and why I was reading it to him. This made me happy. Perhaps it made him happy as well. I’ll never know.

That evening, after the rest of us had dinner, he asked if I could continue reading from my novel. I was nervous about arriving at the father’s speech because I didn’t know how he’d react to it, though he was the kind of father who would have given that very same speech himself. But the speech was two hundred pages away still, and that would have taken many, many days. Perhaps I should skip some parts, I thought. But no, I wanted to read him the whole book. My father didn’t last long enough to hear the father’s speech. And when the letter finally arrived from California, he was already gone. His name was Henri, he was 93 years old, and he inspired everything I’ve written.

#andre aciman #CMBYK Book #call me by your name #cmbyn #elio x oliver

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s1ut4harrypotter · 4 years

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Boyish- Fred Weasley x Reader

Fred weasley x fem!reader

summary: you and Fred have been dating for about a year, but something in your 6th year feels different between you.

a/n: surprise you get two fics in one day.

this is based off Boyish by Japanese Breakfast. holy fuck that’s such a good song i don’t think i’ve stopped crying since I heard it. so naturally I wrote a fan fic about it. I will NOT tolerate any Angelina slander on this post, or anywhere on my page for that matter, holy shit she was my gay awakening (fictional character wise) but anyways I almost cried while writing this.

warnings: a whole lotta angst because it wouldn’t be one of my posts without it. not cheating or anything but fred wishing to be in a different relationship while you’re dating, just sad in general. sorta happy ending but not really

Lyrics in italics/bold

You and Fred had been dating for almost a year now. You loved him and it felt like he loved you back. It was your 6th year. Things felt different this year though, Fred felt more distant. It felt like you were falling deeper and deeper for him as he was getting further and further away.

Your boyish reassurance is not reassuring when I need it

You didn’t know how to feel about it, but he still told you he loved you, so you figured you were just being insecure. His reassurance that he did love you, never felt true as you wanted, but ‘no matter’ you thought as you pushed it down. But as the months went on, it got to be a bigger problem. It felt like you and Fred never saw each other. Like anytime you were coming into the common room, he was leaving, and vice versa. You were getting fed up with never getting to see your boyfriend, so you decided to ask George what was up with him.

“Hey George! Can we talk for a second?” you said, as you finally caught George alone.

“Hey Y/N/N! What’s up?”

You and George were close before you met Fred. Fred saw stepping foot in the library as the 8th deadly sin, but George occasionally found his way in there on quiet afternoons. You had clicked instantly, and when he introduced you to Fred, you were crushing pretty quickly.

“I was wondering what’s been going on with Freddie lately? He feels so distant this year” you said sadly.

“You know, I’m not sure darling, I think you should talk to him about it, I’ve noticed he is different this year too” he said, giving you a pat on the back before heading out of the common room.

Unsatisfied with George’s answer, you decided to find Fred. You weren’t sure if you were just imagining it or not. You and Fred still did all the things couples would do, you held hands as you walked down the hall, sat next to each other at meals, and cuddled on the couch at night. But it didn’t feel like he was fully there anymore. At the start of your relationship, he was so warm and inviting, but now you didn’t feel only complete happiness when you were with him. You were upset, you wanted to know what you had done wrong, if anything, so you could fix it.

And all of my devotion turns violent

You finally found Fred later that day, sitting in the Great Hall with George and Lee.

“Hey Freddie. I was wondering if I could talk to you for a minute?” you asked, timidly.

“Of course darling, here let’s go to the common room. I’ll see you later boys.”, he said leading you out of the great hall.

Once you got back you decided not to beat around the bush.

“What’s been going on with you lately Fred? It feels like you’re miles away. Did I do something wrong?” you asked, wiggling your way out of your spot, he had you tucked into his side, but this was a conversation you needed to have face to face.

“ Nothing is wrong Darling. You didn’t do anything wrong, I promise. I’ve just been feeling off for a bit, my love. Nothing to worry about.” he said with a smile that seemed genuine.

“I’m sorry Freddie, is it about what happened with your mom?” you asked, suddenly feeling bad for even thinking something was wrong.

Earlier that summer, Molly had confiscated their batch of joke products, and they were the only ones Fred and George had. They were devastated.

“Yeah, we just worked so hard to make them and for her to just take them was kind of disappointing.”. The lie slipped out easily, he never meant to lie to you, but he couldn’t tell you the truth.

In reality, Fred was fighting a battle in his head. At the end of last year, Fred was hopelessly- what he thought was- in love with you. But it turned out to just be infatuation on his part. He figured if he waited, he would fall in love with you for real. He did like you, he just didn’t like you the way you liked him. When they got back to school, his old school boy crush on Angelina Johnson came back and hit him like a ton of bricks. He was falling hard for Angelina, and you were stuck thinking he loved you just as much as you loved him.

I want you and you want something more beautiful

You started noticing things, you’d be looking at Fred, and he’d be looking across the room at something. You quickly realized what that something was; Angelina Johnson. You always thought of her as the prettiest girl in your year. She was gorgeous, funny, athletic, and she just walked around like she was sure of herself. You weren’t best friends, merely acquaintances, but you had always respected her for the way she carried herself. She had the confidence you always wished you had.

What do you want from me? If you don’t like how I look then leave

The day professor Mcgonnagal announced the Yule Ball you were excited. You were still, foolishly, holding onto hope for your relationship with Fred. You figured that the ball would be the little push he needed to realize he still liked you. But, as I said, it was foolish to hope.

I can’t get you off my mind. You can’t get yours off her

(the lyric is hostess but i changed it to her for fic purposes)

Fred had decided he would try to push his attraction to Angelina down, he figured it would fade away if he paid it no attention. But the more he tried, the more he thought about her. He was constantly scolding himself for thinking of her, instead of his girlfriend, who was so in love with him. He thought he didn’t deserve you. He thought you were attractive for sure, and he liked your personality, but he couldn’t help but wonder what it would be like if he were with her.

“Hey darling,” he said one night when you were alone in the common room.

“Yeah Freddie?” you replied.

“I know we’re dating already, but do you want to go to the ball with me?”

You giggled. “Of course I’ll go with you Freddles”

“Oh? Freddles is new”. He said poking you in the side.

The poking turned into a full on tickle war. Fred was laying half on top of you, tickling you mercilessly, and you were laughing to the point where you could barely breathe. It almost felt, to you, like it was back to normal. You had decided to just not notice his lingering stares at Angelina, and hold out hope that he really did love you like he said he did.

While it might have felt like it was back to normal, it was really just the calm before the storm.

The ball was finally here, you had gone out with Ginny and Hermione earlier that week to get dresses. Your dress was a gorgeous, floor length, long sleeve, y/f/c dress. Ginny had done your hair for you, and you had a simple makeup look. Ever since you and Fred started dating, Ginny had started calling you her older sister.

“My sister is gorgeous!” she exclaimed, as she pushed the last bobby pin into your hair.

“Oh hush you! You’re going to be the prettiest girl at the ball Ginny, Neville is a lucky man.” you said, trying to hide your blush. You felt like a princess, you had really felt like things were turning around with you and Fred. You were hoping that tonight would be a good night.

You watched her lips reserving tables

You arrived at the top steps with Hermione. You both looked absolutely gorgeous, and you felt it too. George tapped Fred on the arm, and jerked his head in your direction. As he looked over to you, he felt his heart drop. You were breathtakingly gorgeous, but he just didn’t love you anymore. He felt like a foul git for leading you on for so long when he was in love with another girl. You were all the right things, you were a perfect girlfriend, but he just couldn’t love you the same way he loved Angelina. He had planned on breaking up with you sometime a few days after the ball. He was smart enough not to break it off before the ball, leaving you dateless and heartbroken.

You both danced almost the whole night. It was one of the last few slow dances, and you had reached the end of your rope. From the outside, it looked like you and Fred were having the time of your lives. In actuality, you had spent the night watching your boyfriend stare longingly at another girl.

As my ugly mouth kept running “love me, love me”

You were dancing to a muggle song, swaying back and forth.

“Why Fred? You snapped.

“Why what, my love?” Fred asked, confused.

“Why can’t you just love me?” you said, as tears began to cloud your vision.

Fred felt his heart drop for what felt like the millionth time that night. He thought he had been somewhat discreet with his watching of Angelina. You begged to differ.

“What do you mean darling?”. He really didn’t want to have this conversation yet. As much as he knew it was wrong, you were safe for Fred, if you had to have this conversation, it meant you were over.

“Don’t play daft with me Fred, I’ve had enough of this. For months, I’ve watched you stare at her, I’ve watched you fall deeper in love with her, and further out of love with me. If you even loved me in the first place. I can’t do it anymore Fred. If you didn’t love me anymore, fine, but tell me. It’s been gut wrenching to know you don’t feel anything for me anymore.” you said.

He was speechless. He didn’t know how to respond, he wanted to deny it, he wanted to tell you he did love you and that he didn’t love Angelina. He wanted to, but he couldn’t, because it wasn’t the truth.

“Love me” you said, tears now freely falling down your face. “Love me”

His heart broke at the sight of you, he did this. He made you cry like this, and there wasn’t anything he could do to fix it.

“I’m sorry” was all he said, his voice cracking. That was all he could say? ‘I’m sorry’ wasn’t good enough. So there you left him, standing alone, with just a softly spoken “Goodbye Freddie” and a shake of your head.

After about two days, news had spread to pretty much the whole school that you and Fred had broken up.

After 2 weeks, Fred and Angelina were together. Turns out she had always had a bit of a crush on him too.

But you were stuck in the same place. You barely left your dorm, only for classes and occasionally the library, Hermione and Ginny would bring you food, so you could avoid Fred as much as possible. Ginny was furious with him, she didn’t talk to him for almost 2 full weeks. You felt as though you were moving in slow motion. The events from the yule ball played out in your mind every night in your dreams, you felt like you were cursed to relive those events nightly as everyone moved on around you. You were so hopelessly in love with Fred that the initial shock of the break up had you nearly incapacitated. Anytime you did see him, you quickly walked the other direction.

After a month, you started feeling more human. You still felt empty inside sometimes, like there was something wrong with you, like there was something you could’ve done differently. You still broke down when you were alone, you sobbed and sobbed, you were a mess of a person. You’d gotten dark circles under your eyes, but as the days went on, it got easier. You started eating meals in the Great Hall again, you started doing things more with your friends, you started feeling more and more like yourself again. Fred may have broken you, but you pieced yourself back together, slowly but surely.

It did hurt to see Fred treating Angelina the same way he treated you at the beginning of your relationship, looking at her like she hung the moon and stars, like she was the only person in the room, but it was manageable. You knew that you and Fred were just not meant to be.

You sat on the lawn one day, since you and Fred broke up, you had started journaling. It helped to get out all your thoughts on what happened. It was the early evening on a Saturday, the sun was setting, painting the sky with gorgeous shades of yellow, orange, pink, and blue. You could hear birds chirping in the trees around you. And right then, you knew you’d be ok.

#angsty #fred weasley fan fiction #sad fred weasley fan fiction #fred x reader #fred weasley x reader #i woke up and chose violence #fred weasley smut #george weasley #george weasley smut #harry potter fan fiction #harry potter #draco malfoy #draco malfoy smut #harry potter smut

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heademptynothoughts · 4 years

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Close My Eyes and Feel My Chest Beating Like Thunder

Word Count: 1.4k

A/N: i suck at summaries so check out this post for what the fic is about. the title is of course from finally free because that song is a coming out anthem and no one can convince me otherwise. i wrote this in 2 days which is insane and it was honestly one of the best writing experiences of my life, so i’m super excited to share it with you guys and i hope you like it :)

Alex

Realistically, Alex knew that Julie would accept him. He knew that the world as a whole was a lot more accepting than it had been twenty-five years ago. He knew that Julie was kind and caring and that she loved him and the boys with her whole heart. She was one of his best friends. Yet, Alex couldn’t help the doubt that trickled in, couldn’t help the past that weighed him down and the fear of the worst that always arose when he thought too hard about it. Because the worst had already happened once. People he loved, who he thought had loved him, abandoned him when they found out the truth, when he told them the truth. Because love wasn’t always unconditional, and sometimes the conditions were too much to bear.

Realistically, Alex knew that everything would turn out alright once he finally worked up the courage to come out to Julie, but that didn’t stop the voice in his head from running through every single thing that could possibly go wrong if he did. So he kept quiet. Because for the first time in a long time, (after)life was good. He was happy, the band was doing great, and they could actually touch Julie (which had kind of freaked him out at first once the initial euphoria wore off because none of it made sense but he really truly loved having the ability). He didn’t want to screw it all up. So he kept quiet and asked Luke and Reggie to keep quiet too. Because he wasn’t ready yet, and didn’t know if or when he ever would be.

Julie

If there was one thing the boys lacked, it was subtlety. Julie knew that Alex was hiding something from her. She knew that it had to do with his friend Willie and she was pretty sure she knew exactly what it was. She was just waiting for Alex to tell her.

After coming home from school and finishing up her homework, Julie went into the garage. Luke was on the couch, notebook in hand, foot tapping as he scratched out lyrics while Reggie was sitting on a stool across the room, trying out different base lines. They both looked up at her with smiles on their faces when they noticed her arrival.

“Jules, perfect timing. I need help with this pre-chorus and Reggie keeps suggesting country riffs.”

“Hey! You’ll thank me for those one day.”

Julie chuckled and took another glance around the room, “Where’s Alex?”

“Oh, he’s with his ghost friend,” Reggie said, wiggling his eyebrows.

“Yeah, hanging out with Willieee,” Luke added, smirking.

The two of them then shared a look, eyes wide, and immediately schooled their faces into neutral expressions. Yep, subtlety really wasn’t their strong suit. But Julie chose to ignore it, knowing that Alex would tell her himself when he was ready.

Two or three hours later, Alex poofed into the garage. Even if she hadn’t asked the boys, she would’ve still known that he had been out with Willie. His face was flushed and he was softly smiling as he stared starry-eyed off into the distance. Julie knew the signs even if Alex wouldn’t say anything.

“How’s Willie?” she asked, hoping it would open the conversation up for him to tell her what she already knew.

Just like Reggie and Luke had done earlier, Alex schooled his face into a neutral expression. “He’s good” was all he said as he sat down on the couch beside Julie and rested his head on her shoulder.

Julie kissed the top of his head, and rested her own head on top of his. She felt Alex relax against her and closed her eyes, perfectly happy to just be sitting there with him. She would wait however long it takes, content with the knowledge that their friendship was strong, that she loved him and he loved her, and that nothing would ever change that.

Alex

It was time. Alex was ready. All he had to do was wait for Julie to come into the garage. Except the wait was killing him and he didn’t know what to do with himself, and why oh why did he decide that today was the day? He knew why though. Because it was only a matter of time before Luke or Reggie slipped up since neither of them could keep a secret, especially not from Julie. Because they had told him that he should just do it already and reassured him that everything would be fine. Because Willie had held his hand and listened to him talk about all his fears about what could go wrong and convinced him that it would all work out in the end.

Enter Julie.

It was time. Alex was ready. All he had to do was say two little words. Except his heart was beating out of his chest and it was getting hard to breathe and he couldn’t stop pacing and he was digging his nails into his palms and it was too much too much too much.

He didn’t know when Julie had crossed the room to get to him. All he knew was that his hands were in hers now and she was dragging him towards the couch. She pulled him down, still gripping his hands tightly, as she sat down next to him, snuggled into his side and put her head on his shoulder, staying like that until his breathing was back to normal. When he had finally relaxed, Julie looked up at him with soft eyes, telling him that no matter what it was they would get through it together. Alex took a deep breath, released it, and said those two little words.

“I’m gay.”

The first time he said those words to someone, it was met with smiles and hugs and cheering. He had been surrounded by his friends, his bandmates, his brothers, and he had never felt more joyful.

The second time he said those words to someone, it was met with denial and disappointment and silence. He had been surrounded by his mother, his father, his sister, and he had never felt more alone.

The third time he said those words to someone, it was met with a smile and a hug and the promise that he was loved, that nothing would ever change that. He was with his favourite girl in the world, and he had never felt more safe.

Julie

Julie and Alex were still cuddled up on the couch when Luke and Reggie poofed in. Reggie immediately grinned and jumped on top of them, “Cuddle pile!”

Alex groaned, “No, you oaf!” before a resigned, “Okay…” left his lips.

Luke ruffled Alex’s hair and squeezed himself into the middle of the group so that he was touching all of them at once, “I’m assuming everything went well today?”

Julie smiled at Alex and interlocked their pinkies. Alex smiled back and replied, “Yeah, all good.”

They stayed like that until Julie was called in for dinner and as she untangled herself from her boys, she felt an overwhelming amount of love wash over her. This was the happiest she had been in a while and she was so glad that Alex now trusted her with such an important part of himself.

After dinner, Julie returned to the garage and grabbed Alex, taking him up to her room. She sat down cross-legged on her bed and patted the space across from her. Alex sat down where she had motioned and looked at her with his eyebrows raised.

Julie giggled, excited, “Alright, tell me everything about Willie.”

Alex blushed, “Okay,” and launched into a detailed re-telling of every moment he and Willie had spent together from their first meeting to screaming in a museum to their hug outside the Orpheum to every other moment he could think of. He went on about Willie’s hair and eyes and laugh and the fact that he called him Hotdog. Julie sat back, taking it all in, just enjoying listening to Alex talk and seeing him so happy.

When Alex was done, though, he turned the tables on her, “So what about you and Luke?”

Julie hid her face in her hands and peeked up at him through her fingers, “Is it that obvious?”

“To everyone but him, yeah.”

So for the rest of the night, the two of them went back and forth talking about Willie and Luke, teasing each other about their crushes, and really just talking about everything and nothing.

Alex

The next day, Alex was sitting at his drum kit ready to start rehearsing when Julie walked up behind him. She swung an arm around his shoulders and spoke into his ear, telling him that he should invite Willie over some time.

Alex smiled, his heart full, and readily agreed.

#jatp #julie and the phantoms #fanfic #oneshot #jatp fanfic #alex mercer #julie molina #reggie peters #luke patterson #willie jatp

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alovesongshewrote · 4 years

Text

They’re So Pretty, It Hurts | Zoe

Plot: Several minutes of the reader being a disaster

Word Count: 1,870

Warnings: Pining. So much pining.

A/N: it’s woman loving hours, lads.

Tags: @yagirlcheesely @moppetwithamanbun @tales-of-hisirdoux @blixeon

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Sometimes, you go to a bookstore, and you see a pretty girl. You make eye contact, and it’s only for a second, but it still takes your breath away. Her eyes are just so blue, the colour of the sky when the sun is finished rising. You could get lost in them, you wanted to get lost in them, but instead, you look away almost instantly because being perceived is Not Fun. Still, your cheeks are warm, and you’re desperate to steal another glance at her.

This is one of those times. Except you worked at the bookstore, but that didn’t really matter in the grand scheme of things. Bottom line, you’d made eye contact with a cute girl and instantly fallen in love with her. It be like that sometimes, but we manage and move forward. You managed and moved forward by hiding behind one of the shelves. You were not the best at managing and moving forward. You may have actually gone backwards, I’m not sure. Either way, your heart was racing, practically beating out of your chest. It felt you couldn't breathe, like oxygen was made of cute girls, which sounds nice but is, in practice, really impractical and very suffocating.

“Uh, (Y/N)? You good, mate?”

“Hhjkjadfhkaljdfhakhfd-”

“Oh, fuzzbuckets.”

Your lovely, lovely coworker, Hisirdoux Casperan, had noticed you hiding behind the shelf, which wasn’t difficult at all, really. You didn’t care though, you were mostly hiding from the cute girl. Literally, anyone and everyone else who entered the bookstore could see you, but that didn’t matter. As long as she didn’t see, everything would be fine. Douxie, however, thought you may have had a stroke.

“(Y/N)?” he gave your arm a little poke, “(Y/N)? (Y/N) darling, are you-”

“Alkjdhfalksdhfajlksdfhakjf, yeah, sorry, I just-” you didn’t finish your sentence. You just kind of floated away into the void, attention stolen again by the cute girl. Her hair was pink, her clothes very punk-rock. Yeah, yeah, you were a goner. God, she was pretty. Oh. Oh, fuck, she was coming this way.

You jerked your head to face the books you were hiding behind (something about true crime? It looked cool, but now was not the time,) while Douxie faced the cute girl head-on. You would never know where he found the confidence, but you respected it.

“Zoe! This is (Y/N), she’s the new one I was telling you about.”

Zoe. Zoe. You liked it. It was pretty, like her. Oh, god, she was talking to you.

“(Y/N), huh? Cute name, it suits you.”

If you could think coherently, you would have been wondering if that meant she found you cute, but you couldn’t think coherently. At the moment, your thoughts were mostly “AKJKDSFHKJHG,” and “KSHFJAHFKJHAKDFHKALDFHLAJSDFHKLJADSHFKLHASKDJFHKALS,” and you still couldn’t breathe! It was very valid of you, to be honest.

“Uhh, thanks. You too.”

Good, good, that was what a normal person would say. This was a normal, average conversation. You definitely didn’t have a huge crush on her or anything, nooooo-

“So, uh… true crime?”

You blinked a few times in confusion before realizing that she was referring to the shelf you were leaning on. Oh, yeah, true crime. Oh, god, she was looking at you, they were both looking at you, QUICK THINK OF SOMETHING TO SAY ABOUT TRUE CRIME.

“Uh, yeah, I like… crime.”

Oh, wow that was dumb. I mean, it wasn’t the worst thing you could have said, but you would always remember that one of the first things you said to Zoe was “I like crime.”

She raised an eyebrow, “You… like crime?”

Too late to back out now, “...Yes. I’m… I’m good at crime. I enjoy arson.”

It was stupid. Really stupid, like, you didn’t even know where that came from. But it made her laugh. And you knew at that moment that you would do anything to make her laugh again. Her smile was a blessing that brought light into your world, and you wanted to see it every day if she was okay with that.

“Ah, I like you, you’re cute. Anyway, I have to get back to work, but I’ll see you later. And you!”

You were trying to recover from the first six words of that sentence, but now she was pointing at you! And looking! Eye contact! Ah!

“Stick around Arcadia, ok? I wanna see you again.”

“I-I um-” you were straight-up dying now, ok, “Well, you know where to find me!”

Her smile was the most important thing in the world and you would die to protect it.

“Aight, I’m out! Bye guys!”

“See you, Zo.”

“B-bye!”

As soon as she was gone, you collapsed against the bookshelf and buried your face in your hands. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA, WELL, that could have gone better, but it didn’t go worse, and for that you were thankful.

Douxie stared at you for a second. He’d seen friends in this state before, as often as the night prior, actually. Zoe had had the same reaction when she first saw you that you had to seeing her now, and he’d promised to introduce you. She’d been so calm earlier because she’d been practicing what to say in the mirror for, like, a day. You, on the other hand, had not prepared for this. It was finals week and you had not studied. Shit, you hadn’t even known about finals week. Your friend had just devised this gay little plot and it left you a flustered mess with no study materials. There were no cue cards in this world, only pretty-girl-panic and fits of uncontrollable blushing.

He knelt down to get on your level, “You okay?”

“Hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.”

“Understandable. You wanna chill in the back for a minute?”

“Hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.”

It wasn’t a verbal confirmation, but you nodded, and he took that as a yes. He helped you to your feet and led you to the back, which was technically his house, but whatever, semantics.

“Here, I’ll just let you chill for a bit. I’ll be back soon, please don’t die.”

“I won’t!”

He smiled at that and walked back into the shop to continue dealing with the public. F in the chat for Douxie. In the meantime, you just curled yourself into a ball on his couch and made a low humming noise. Man, were you bad at… everything or what?

“Mrowr?” You looked up to see a familiar mass of black fur, his head tilted in curiosity.

“Ah, hey Arch.”

“Mrp.”

“You know you don’t have to do the whole cat thing with me? I know you can talk.”

“Well, it’s nice to pretend sometimes. Besides, we don’t know when that door’ll open again or for who. It’s best to stay inconspicuous.”

You let a small laugh escape you as you started to calm down, your lungs finally getting the oxygen they’d so desperately missed, “I mean, that’s fair.”

“Mrpt?” which, in cat, meant, “So, what’s up?”

“Well, it’s this girl. Zoe. Pink hair, blue eyes, the most gorgeous human being I’ve ever seen. I just… she’s really cute and I made an absolute fool out of myself in front of her.”

“Mrooooooooooooooooooooow,” meaning, “(Y/N), dear, I know this Zoe. She’s friends with Douxie. The bar for general foolery is pretty high.”

“You really think so?”

“Mrow!” “(Y/N), I know so. If you like her so much, you should talk to her more! You’re a nice person, I’m sure she’d like you!”

“Thanks, Arch.”

“Prrbt,” “You’re welcome.”

“Well, I should probably get out there. Go be a functioning member of society. Thanks again, bud,” you gave the cat-dragon a little scratch behind the ears, smiling again at how he stretched up to meet your hand, “See ya around, cat man.”

“See you, (Y/N).”

You gave the familiar one last grin before you slipped out the door, glad that you could breathe, finally. And then that was ripped away from you by a cute pink-haired lady in the middle of the bookstore.

“Oh! Zoe! Hi!”

“Hey, (Y/N)! I just realized I uh, sort of forgot what I came here for.”

“That’s understandable! It happens to me all the time!”

“Heh, yeah,” she stopped talking and just stared at you for a second. You did the same before remembering that she said words, and that meant something.

“O-oh, yeah. What is it that you were looking for?”

“Oh, just,” she pulled a post-it note out of her pocket and handed it to you. Her finger brushed over yours and you could almost feel a spark there, “Just this.”

“C-cool! Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, I’ll be right back!” you gave her a quick nod before running upstairs to grab the book. While you were distracted, Zoe had her own little meltdown, but she composed herself as soon as she noticed you coming down the stairs.

“Aight, so here you go,” you handed her the book, fingers brushing hers, electricity running through them. Literally, there was electricity. You waved it off though. It was a magical world, and this wasn’t the weirdest thing to happen today (nope, that little award went to “I enjoy arson.”)

“That’ll beeeee, nothing. Take it.”

“Wait, that’s-that, why?

“I mean, it’s not something I’m allowed to do but, eh, you’re cute. And I told you I enjoy crime, didn’t I?”

“I’m-”

“Don’t worry, I’ll pay for it,” you said, immediately losing any cool persona you may have had. Zoe didn’t mind. She thought you were cute no matter what you did. That in itself was made evident by the blush on her cheeks.

“O-oh.”

You smiled a little. You did that, you were the cause of it. You could only hope that she was also okay with this.

“Well,” you bit your lip. The longer she stayed quiet the more you doubted your flirting skills, “I’ll be seeing you!”

“Wait!”

Your head shot up, eyes immediately focused on her, ready to hear whatever she had to say. Man, you were a simp.

“I uh… I was wondering if I could get your number? With this?”

You were pretty sure you died for a second, but when you recovered, you stuttered out a, “Yeah,” and quickly wrote your name and number on the post-it note she’d handed you.

The smile she gave you when you passed her the note was quite possibly the best thing you’d ever seen in your life.

“Well, I’ll call you! Or text you, or whatever…”

You couldn’t help but laugh at how nervous she was, because that was a solid mood, “I look forward to it!”

And with that, she was gone, but she couldn’t stop thinking about your laugh, and how she’d do anything to see your smile again.

Inside, you were thinking the same, or you were until Douxie re-appeared from wherever he'd been hiding.

"Congratulations!"

You jumped an entire foot in the air, something you didn't really think was possible until right then, "Jesus Christ, Casperan! Don't sneak up on me like that, God. That's the seventh time today, we need to get you a cowbell or something, my Go-"

"So, did it go well?"

Your satisfaction painted itself on your face, "Yeah," you hummed, looking out the window, "It went well."

#zoe toa x reader #zoe tales of arcadia x reader #toa zoe x reader #tales of arcadia x reader #zoe toa imagine #tales of arcadia zoe imagine #toa zoe imagine #fluff #zoe toa #toa zoe #pining #soft

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siren1song · 4 years

Text

Southern Caribbean

Summary: Pirate captain Virgil has a very big soft spot for the chaotic prince they'd brought aboard and made one of their own.

Warnings: Mentions of murder, mentions of guns, idle threats

Pairing: Dukexiety

Word Count: 1,682

General Taglist: @acanvasofabillionsuns, @emo-disaster, @greenninjagal-blog, @jungle321jungle, @sleepy-sides, @gattonero17, @another-sandersidesblog, @strawberryjellystuff, @logic-with-a-pinch-of-deceit, @gr3ml1n-loser, @main-chive, @firey-alex, @orca-iguana, @spooky-scary-virgil, @yalltookmyurlideas, @sanderssidesweirdo, @stormypaint, @just-a-little-bit-gay-oops, @dying-is-a-hobby, @the-angry-ship, @rosesisupposes, @just-perhaps

Notes: Day 3 of @dukexietyweek Pirates!!! So naturally I wrote Pirate captain Virgil and incredibly chaotic prince Remus.

Commissions!! | Buy Me a Kofi!! | Join Casper’s Crew!! | Ao3 Link!!

If you told Virgil a month ago he’d be the captain of the first crew with a pirate prince, he would’ve laughed in your face before running you through.

As it was, Remus was definitely an interesting type of pirate. Originally captured in hopes of holding him for ransom, the man was more excited about meeting pirates face to face than worried about getting back to his family.

Which was a whole other story, but honestly watching Remus rip off his skirts and declare himself a man right there on the deck after somehow nicking the sword off Pryce’s hip was the best show Virgil had seen in a long while (less for the indecency of a perceived woman and more for the hilarity of a man shocking one of the best pirate crews in the southern seas into silence).

“Let me be a pirate,” he’d proclaimed, “let me join your crew and help you cause so much chaos you’ll be not only the best pirates in the south but everywhere else as well.”

Who was Virgil to deny that offer?

And now they were raiding a small village on the coast of an island they’d just been planning on to hunt on until Remus expressed his desire for his first time doing something more dangerous than embroidering a table cloth.

He was so cute in his excitement, how could Virgil resist?

Watching the tiny man run off with a cutlass that Virgil wasn’t too entirely sure was balanced right for him and a gun strapped to his hip in case he needed it was grin worthy.

“You have a soft spot for him,” Dale commented, earning a glare from his captain.

“And you have a reason for staying on deck instead of stocking us up on spirits and food and gold?”

Dale grinned at him, pointing at the rest of the crew having already taken both the smaller boats and thus leaving him behind.

Oh great, being babysat by his lookout.

“Why you lot insist on leaving someone behind to look after me every raid I’ll never understand.”

“Really? You won’t understand when the last time we left you alone you decided to binge yourself on most of the dried meat on the ship?”

Virgil glared at Dale again before deciding watching the shore to try and see if he could find Remus amongst the chaos his crew had already started.

“There’s another entire half the crew still here Dale.”

“Yes, but most of them don’t know how to stand their ground against you. Some think the bags under your eyes are from black magic and not the lack of sleeping the rest of us know it is.”

“Every raid you make it more tempting to shoot you.”

Dale snorted, thumping Virgil on the back and making him let out a small ‘oof’ sound and hide a small smile.

As he watched the shore, he heard yelling, which was pretty normal for a raid, but the loud clear laughter wasn’t really something he was used to.

“Didn’t think Remus laughed loud enough to be heard over a raid on the shore,” he commented idly, tapping his fingers against the wooden railing he was leaning against.

“He has a laugh loud enough to wake the dead at the bottom of the sea, I think.”

Virgil’s smile grew at the thought. That sounded about right, with the amount of times Virgil heard Remus giggling while playing games with the rest of the crew when they were up keeping the ship from sinking.

Maybe he did have a soft spot for the man, but he doubted he could be blamed when Remus had done nothing but grin the entire time.

Besides, he’d kept his promise and told him many things about coastline royal schedules that made conquering other seas that much easier.

“Hope you’re not thinking your soft spot for the man isn’t just because of the power over the seas he’s given you?” Dale asked, not looking at Virgil now but at the shore where the villagers were trying to defend themselves.

Virgil suspected, with the chaos he could see Remus inflicting, that very few residents would be left when they were done.

“Should I pull out my gun now, Dale?” he asked, not really meaning the threat but making it anyway because what kind of captain would he be if didn’t threaten his crew on occasion?

Another snort from his lookout.

“You wouldn’t dare. I’m gonna head below deck for a bit now though. Gotta sharpen my cutlass and my room is right next to the kitchens so you can’t sneak by without my seeing you.”

Virgil sighed, waving Dale off as he walked away.

The dedication that man had to the upkeep of his sword when the ability to get new ones was just as easy was a bizarre one but Virgil could respect it.

“That was exhilarating!” Remus shouted, now back on board and startling Virgil from staring at the stars to looking at him in his pants and now tattered shirt that showed his chest bindings.

The thumping in his chest and the smile Virgil couldn’t help at seeing Remus’ excitement was almost enough to make him think Dale was right about his soft spot for their prince pirate.

“I trust you had fun then?” he called down, having been a level higher then the deck his crew was climbing back onto.

Remus whipped around and grinned up at Virgil, eyes bright in the starlight and chest heaving to take enough breaths.

“I killed people!”

Virgil let out a bark of a laugh at the enthusiasm, ignoring the little looks some of his crew was giving him.

“You better have! I doubt you could’ve gotten out of there alive if you hadn’t, prince.”

Remus’ face screwed up at that, sticking his tongue out at Virgil, earning another laugh from the captain.

“C’mon up here, let me take a look at you and we can discuss your pirate name, now that you’ve made yourself a bit more known as a part of my crew.”

The way Remus’ face lit up made Virgil’s heart twist in his chest, but he ignored it in favor of waving the man up and stepping into his own quarters to grab the first aid he knew how to do.

Usually Teagan and Logan were the ones to see to injuries. They were the most medically inclined, but Virgil picked up a thing or two in his years of pirating.

“A lady alone in your room with you could start a scandal, captain,” Remus said, making himself known.

“Well then, it’s a good thing you’re not a lady, or that I don’t care for scandals. Have a seat on the cot.”

Remus did so, fiddling with a ragged piece of his shirt and looking around the room in what looked like either curiosity or nerves to Virgil when he looked over.

“Drink this,” he said, handling Remus a glass of whiskey he’d just poured before pulling his medical supplies closer to him.

The prince pirate downed the entire glass, only wincing just a little bit. A month has given the man a bit of time to get used to the harshness of alcohol going down his throat, Virgil supposed.

“Alright, any spots in particular that hurt? And don’t tell me you feel fine. I doubt you got out of that unscathed, almost no one does.”

Remus grinned at him and slipped off his tattered shirt to show the cuts and bruises he’d acquired, making Virgil snort a bit.

There were cuts he could already see through the holes, but there was also a nasty bruise forming on Remus’ side, likely from someone swinging a club type weapon at him.

“You look like you had fun,” he commented, getting started with cleaning the dirt and sweat around the cuts first.

“I did! I’ve also been thinking about my pirate name. I think Pirate Duke Remus has a great ring to it, don’t you?”

Virgil paused, raising an eyebrow at Remus before letting out a quiet snort.

“I have to agree, suppose if someone asks you who you are, you know what to say then.”

“I do! I’m Duke Remus of the Storm Crew, damn that sounds great.”

Virgil let Remus ramble from there, cleaning up his wounds and patching what he could with a small smile while the man told stories of how he wanted to be known. It wasn’t until Remus paused that he looked at his face in curiosity and concern that he noticed the way Remus was staring at him now.

“Is there something wrong?”

“You’re the first man to treat me as a man myself. And you readily accepted me, even if ransoming me would’ve gotten you more money.”

Leaning back on the stool Virgil was sitting on, he watched Remus a little more closely.

“My crew started as one of outcasts. Didn’t feel right not to take in another,” he explained, tilting his head a little to the left while he watched Remus consider him.

“And now? I feel there’s more to it than that, captain.”

Virgil hummed, then decided fuck it and tilted Remus’ head up by his chin with his free hand and placed a short kiss to his lips.

The silence that followed made nerves coil in Virgil’s stomach, but he ignored them in favor of speaking further.

“You’ve definitely endeared yourself to me. I understand if that’s not something you want though, knowing me only a month and all. And you don’t even have to answer right away, given I’m not sure if I’m asking to court you-”

Remus interrupted him by pulling him in for another kiss, making it feel like the kraken he hadn’t realized was there was releasing it’s grip on Virgil’s chest.

“You talk to much when there’s kissing to be done, captain,” Remus said, grinning mischievously in a way that only made Virgil wanna kiss him again.

“You’re a problem member aren’t you, Duke?”

“It’s always been my dream to be one, captain.”

#casper writes #ts virgil #ts remus #ts dale #ts shorts dad character #dukexiety #mentions of teagan/teacher character #mentions of logan #dukexietyweek2020 #pirate au #trans male remus #pirate captain virgil #prince remus #this was so much fun to write oh my god???#look at them theyre gay

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longinglook · 4 years

Text

I may or may not have spent my entire Sunday binge watching all of I told sunset about you and Gaya sa pelikula and now I have so many thoughts and feelings that I need to write about them so here we go! Under a read more (if tumblr allows me to) because it’s 2k words hehe

First of all, I knew next to nothing about both shows before starting them. I had seen a couple of gifs here and there, but really had no idea what I was in for.

I started with I told sunset about you, which has 3 episodes out of 5 out. All I knew is that it was going to be beautiful and possibly sad, and it was. Everything about this show is so high quality, from the audio to the dialogue to the locations to the acting, just wow. The production is better than a lot of movies I’ve seen, and every technical aspect is perfect. I am really loving the plot so far as well, I find the childhood friendship to stubborn rivalry to grown up friendship again very relatable. I think it’s a very common experience for a lot of non straight folks to develop an extremely close bond with a same sex friend when you’re too young to realize what you’re actually feeling for them until you’re a lot older and suddely the jealousy and possessivenes all make sense.

I love the recurring themes sprinkled throughout the episodes, starting from the chinese vocabulary that expresses the core thoughts of the two main characters: rival, intimacy, secret, male protagonist, as promised. They could easily be the episode titles, or the names of imaginary sections the show could be divided into. It’s a great way to integrate metaphors and deeper meaning into the plot.

That’s how most of the communication goes in this show, deep emotions are never conveyed through words because words are scary and loud and they can’t be taken back once they’re out there. The plot advances though stares and gestures and touch and gorgeous shots of the landscape. The pace is slow with hour-long episodes that could each be a movie of their own. This worried me a bit before starting, and I have to admit that at times I struggled to stay focused, especially during scenes that set the mood but don’t do much plot-wise. This is just a personal preference, though, and in no way I see it as a flaw.

The dancing around each other the main characters do, sometimes literal, is frustrating but it determines an emotional build up that’s just starting to reach its peak. This is one of those shows that has me screaming if only they talked to each other, but the silences and unspoken words are so well directed and acted that it works. I struggle a lot with keeping in mind that they’re still in high school, they’re very young and I can’t expect them to act rationally just yet.

I was really worried about Teh possibly going the insufferable Theory-of-love-khai way, and I am still not 100% sold on him. When he started helping Oh-aew again it felt like he was just doing it to make himself feel better about the whole thing. It was frustrating to see him so possessive and jealous while also so deeply in denial about his own feelings, to the point where he had me rooting for Bas instead. He was getting better, but then he fled at the end of episode 3 and now I have no clue what’s going to happen next. About this, I really have no idea if they’re going for a happy ending or a sad one. I’m really hoping it will be good, because so far there has been barely any emotional payoff for all the repressed longing and misunderstanding the show has put us through.

I do like their dynamic a lot though, I have a weak spot for childhood friends reconnecting and an ever weaker spot for informal mentor/mentee relationships. Oh-aew asking Teh to tutor him until he passes the admission exam was an almost exact mirror of Yuri on ice Yuri begging Victor to be his coach until he retires and I loved that a lot.

Now on to the one issue I have with this show: it feels too much like an art film. It reminds me of Moonlight and Call me by your name, in the way that I wasn’t able to connect with those movies because they are too perfect. They are so beautiful and carefully crafted that I can’t fully immerse myself in them. There’s a filter that stops me from relating to the characters and constantly reminds me that this is not reality. It’s pretty, it’s extremely well done, but it feels like art. It has some quirks, some scenes that feel too artificial. One scene in particular, the one where Teh buries his head in the paper Oh-aew wrote with his coconut scented pen to sniff it, which is a direct parallel to Call me by your name, bothered me in particular. Just as it felt over-the-top and purposefully weird in the movie, so it feels in the show. It’s a way of showcasing how a confused teen deals with attraction he barely understands, it’s raw and animalistic in a way, but it’s so quirky that all it accomplishes is to remind me that I’m watching an lgbt show. It makes me wonder if a scene like this would make sense in a straight relationship because here it seems to highlight how different and primal his attraction is. If I had to pinpoint it, I’d say that I have a problem with media showcasing queerness though peculiar, purposefully awkward scenes like these instead of normal kissing and cuddling.

Overall, I can’t wait to see how this show ends and I still think it’s one of the best bls to air in 2020, if not ever. It’s refreshing to see something with a big budget used well! So far my rating is 8/10, which I know is a lot lower than what everyone else seems to think but it’s still very much subject to change! Just hoping they won’t pull a Make our days count, but I doubt they’ll go there.

And now Gaya sa pelikula. Wow. Again, I knew next to nothing about this show before watching, and I was coming from a 3 hour I told sunset about you binge watch, so the bar was pretty high.

And boy, did this show deliver. I was blown away by the depth and the humor of it. It feels like the writers had fun taking all sorts of common tropes and stereotypes just to show everyone how well they can be evolved and made complex. Two strangers who somehow find themselves sharing an apartment sounds like the start of so many fanfictions out there, but it’s so well executed and interesting that you don’t even stop to think about how weak the premises for their meeting are. It doesn’t matter and it’s not even that far-fetched, either. The sister and the neighbor are also two characters that start off as extra stereotyped, but in just a few scenes they unveil an incredible depth and backstory. It blew me away.

Each character is so realistic. Everything they do and say makes sense, they all have their reasons and their past and they react accordingly, it’s so coherent. It’s impressive how everything takes place inside the house and you barely realize it because things happen and the plot moves anyways, and the way information about external events and people is conveyed is so seamless that you don’t even notice it. In only 7 episodes (so far) they have managed to give everyone a complex background and personality through the use of objects and small details and wow don’t get me started on the music.

The soundtrack is SO GOOD. I never really pay attention to music in shows but it plays a very important role here in my opinion and, well, it’s exactly the kind of music I like listening to and ahhh I just spent 4 hours playing the first kiss song on loop so I might be biased. Right from the start in episode 1, when Karl gives in to Vlad’s music and starts dancing to it, it’s established that it’s an important element to the mood of each scene. I love how the dancing I talked about for I told sunset about you comes back here, but while I saw it as a hesitant dancing around each other there, here it’s the opposite, it’s freeing and it’s about accepting yourself. And the end of episode 6 highlights this, with the beautiful quote “You are entitled to a love that lets you dance without fear and shame.” It made me cry a looooot.

I think the development of their relationship is masterfully done. It doesn’t happen too quickly nor too slowly. Karl goes through some needed shocks that act as his wake up call. When I’m watching bl shows I care the most about them feeling real and relatable. I don’t want to feel like they were written by a straight person trying to guess what it’s like to be gay. Now I didn’t look anything up about the Gaya sa pelikula writers, but I’d be very surprised if they were straight. I can relate to both Karl and Vlad for different aspects of their stories and their worries and thoughts. There was one part in particular that hit so close that I had to take a few breaks because it hurt too much. I am a lesbian, I’ve had relationship with a girl that lasted over a year, I am out to some friends but not all. I never came out to my parents, who are both very open minded and friends with a lot of gay people and would love me just as much if I told them, and yet I can’t. It’s not just that, I am terrified by the idea of them already knowing or being able to guess. When Karl freaked out over his uncle guessing, it hit me so hard because I’ve felt the same way so many times.

Episode 7 was amazing. I hate badly written drama the most, and 99% of shows can’t come up with any good reason for drama but they have to put it in there anyways and it sucks. This was the complete opposite, I adored it and I say this as a lover of fluff. It feels right, I think it’s an issue that would come up between two people like them. They are both right and the only thing that could happen there is what actually went down. I definitely think things will be fixed by the end and I am looking forward to it, but I am very glad this issue was included because it’s so important and so true to many lgbt people’s lives.

Another aspect I absolutely adored are the multiple references to lgbt theory and language, and Vlad has some of the best lines I’ve ever heard coming from a bl. When he tells Karl not to be afraid of the word, when he explains that “you don’t look gay” isn’t a compliment, when he scolds his sister for not acknowledging the things she used to say to him by covering them up with her ally act, those are all such important and educative moments that I hope everyone listens to. I love that Vlad is not correcting some ignorant bad guy, but it’s his accepting and loving friends and family that make the mistakes, because sometimes being supportive your own way isn’t enough if you’re not actively learning from the ones you want to support.

This is a 10/10 for me right now. I can’t find anything I don’t like about it. It never feels boring, it never feels overdone, it never feels cheap or unoriginal. It went straight to the top of my favorite bls.

And now I can’t help but compare the two a bit, because yes they are two different shows but right now the relationships they portray have reached the same point: there has been a climax and now the one who is more confused about his sexuality is panicking and taking a step back. It’s a coincidence that I watched both shows on the same day when their last aired episodes end in such a similar way, but it really leads me to compare the two. I don’t want to put them one against each other or say which one did it better because that’s not the point of this, they are both two amazing and important shows who are excelling in what they’re doing.

Gaya sa pelikula is down to earth, it’s explicit and it’s straight to the point in explaining what’s going on inside each character’s head. It feels like watching real people deal with real struggles. I told sunset about you is a lot more subtle and quiet, and since we don’t really have a clear insight in the characters’ heads sometimes it’s hard to completely understand what’s going on with them. It’s a completely different way of narrating, and while Gaya sa pelikula makes me feel like I’m a part of the events, I told sunset about you feels like I’m just spectating from an outside perspective. They are different choices, but one of them ends up feeling a lot more emotional to me than the other.

To wrap it up, I highly recommend both shows and I can’t wait to see how they’ll end! They are both among the best shows of the year, both free of all those annoyingly stereotyped characters and plot points that most bls tend to overuse.

#meta #gaya sa pelikula #like in the movies #i told sunset about you #text

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barisiscourtroom · 3 years

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After 22x10, I, as so many others, quickly decided that it was Rafael on the phone (Sonny even wore his tie!), so I wrote an episode related thing. I’m ace myself, and I like the idea of ace!Sonny, and I hc them both as gay (strangely enough, since I tend to always hc everyone as bi, but not Barisi for some reason), so this is my take on what could happen after that episode.

Once again a huge thank you to @novemberhush for the beta read and for answering all my questions and helping me make this better! ♥

A Call to Come Out ao3

1559 words | Teen warnings: mentions internalized homophobia characters: Sonny Carisi, Rafael Barba, Amanda Rollins tags: Sonny Carisi & Amanda Rollins friendship, Episode Related, Post-Episode: 22x10 Welcome to the Pedo Motel, Established Relationship, Asexual Sonny, Gay Sonny, Gay Rafael, Coming Out, Internalized Homophobia

Sonny accepted the call with an apologetic smile to Rafael. "Amanda," he said both in greeting and to let Rafael know who it was. He got up from the couch to head towards the kitchen. "How is everything?"

"Hey, Sonny, I don’t really want to talk about it, I just wanted to hear a friendly voice," Amanda said, making Sonny smile.

"Okay, I can do that," he said.

"You were about to tell me something when I got the call," Amanda said.

Sonny remembered that all too well. His awkwardness as he tried to speak still embarrassed him. "Yeah," he said.

"Tell me now? It was about that hot date of yours, wasn’t it?" Amanda said, her voice teasing.

"Yeah, it was, and, uh, about me." He took a deep breath and looked at Rafael, who was still sitting on the couch, doing something on his phone. He must have sensed Sonny watching him, because he turned to give him a reassuring smile and a nod. Sonny nodded back and spoke, "I’m gay."

"I, uh. Okay," Amanda said.

"I’m also asexual, apparently," Sonny said.

"What, uh, I don’t know what that means?" Amanda said.

"It means I don’t feel sexual attraction to anyone, and for me, it also means that I… don’t really want sex," Sonny said quietly. Rafael had told him that it was no one's business but his, that he didn’t have to tell anyone if he didn’t want to, and Sonny knew that was true, but he wanted to tell Amanda, she was his best friend. Second best friend, but Rafael was also his partner, so he wasn’t sure he should count him.

"Okay," Amanda said slowly. Sonny wished he could see her, so he could read her silences.

"But, uh, yeah, so I have a… we don’t really like the term boyfriend, I mean, we’re both over 40, we’re not exactly boys anymore, so I guess I have a partner," Sonny said.

Amanda huffed a soft laugh. "Okay, well, that’s nice though, congratulations, I’m happy for you," she said, and Sonny breathed out in relief. Which she obviously heard. "Aw, hey, come on."

"Sorry," Sonny hurried out, "it’s just that you’re, well, you’re the first person I’ve told, except, uh-"

"Your hot date?" Amanda teased, and it was Sonny’s turn to huff a little laugh.

"Yeah, except my hot date," he said. "And you’re important to me, it’s… really scary and you’re my best friend, and it’s terrifying, especially considering our history, and I don’t want to hurt you."

"Oh," Amanda said.

Sonny pulled a kitchen chair out to sit, putting his elbows on the table and his hand over his eyes. "I didn’t - I guess I thought my feelings for you back then were romantic, because I love you and you mean the world to me, and because I… well, I guess I didn’t want to accept being gay, and I didn’t know then that I don’t feel sexual attraction, I just thought that’s how everyone felt, so when I have felt the way that I feel about you before, I’ve thought it was normal, that I’ve been in love, because even if I always felt… differently about men, I just pushed that down and ignored it, you know?"

His heart was beating hard in his chest, his throat tight, and he very nearly begged her to know what he meant, to understand, because he didn’t want to hurt her, he needed her to be his friend.

"I…" Amanda started slowly, quietly, and Sonny squeezed his eyes shut, his breath shallow. "I don’t know, I guess, because I do feel sexual attraction, so I don’t think I can ever understand, not really, but… I think I understand what you mean."

"Yeah?" Sonny rasped.

"Yeah, of course," Amanda said. Her voice was a little rough, like she was holding back tears too, and Sonny pressed his thumb and index finger against his eyelids. "So, you want to tell me about your partner?"

The forced cheer in her voice was fairly obvious, but she was trying, so Sonny would too.

"It’s, uh, well, he has said it’s okay to tell you who he is, but you gotta promise you won’t make fun of me, okay?" Sonny asked.

"Cross my heart and hope to die," Amanda said, mock serious, and Sonny huffed another laugh and rubbed his eyes before lowering his hand.

"Rafael Barba," he said, and just saying his name had Sonny smiling.

"Rafael Barba," Amanda repeated faintly.

"Yeah," Sonny said.

"And you made me promise not to make fun of you, Sonny, you’re the worst," Amanda said.

Sonny grinned. "Well, I do know you, and I’m not as stupid as everyone thinks, you know," he said.

"Rafael Barba," Amanda said. "Sonny Carisi and Rafael Barba. Holy crap."

"Yeah, yeah," Sonny said, rolling his eyes.

"Okay, tell me everything," Amanda said. "I mean, I know how you met, but how did you meet, you know?"

"I mean, looking back at it, I think that I was in love with him the whole time, but I told myself I just admired him, you know. Then, when he left, our relationship changed, we started talking about other things than work and law, mostly by text at first, or if we met up for drinks or something, then one day we came to talk about religion and homosexuality, and I sorta accidentally came out to him. I panicked, Amanda, really, it was bad, but he’s gay and grew up Catholic, he handled it really well, and he helped me a lot and made me see that I can be both.

"Then, during the trial, we met a lot more than usual. I mean we barely met every other month before, not even that often during last year with the virus and all, but over the trial I saw him every day and my feelings became very clear to me, it was so obvious, I don’t know how I could have ever convinced myself it wasn’t there. So I told myself I’d tell him once the trial was over, if nothing else just to admit that I had feelings for a man, but he beat me to it and asked me on a date before I could," Sonny said.

"Rafael Barba asked you on a date," Amanda said.

Sonny grinned, he knew he probably looked love-struck and stupid, but Rafael Barba had asked him on a date, he was allowed. "Yeah, he did. He said he’d been flirting with me for years, called me dense for not noticing," he said, smiling at the memory.

"God, you sound so in love, wow, I didn’t know you-" Amanda abruptly stopped herself, but she quickly continued, "You sound happy, Sonny, and I really am happy for you."

"Thanks, Amanda, that means a lot to me," Sonny said.

They talked for nearly 20 minutes, mostly about him and Rafael, about their dates and about their long conversations, both before and after the trial, about how Rafael had been the one to explain asexuality to Sonny and how it felt realizing he was asexual, about how supportive Rafael had been while Sonny learned to understand himself in relation to most other people. They talked until Amanda realized that Sonny was at Rafael’s place.

"Why are you talking to me then?" she asked.

"Because you’re my friend, Amanda," Sonny said.

"And I love you for that, but go be with your man," Amanda said.

"Are you okay?" Sonny asked.

"Yeah, it helped to talk for a bit, thanks, Sonny. I’ll tell you more later, I just… really don’t want to talk about it right now," Amanda said.

"Okay, I’m here if you need me," Sonny said.

"I know. We’ll talk soon, okay?" Amanda said.

"Yeah, talk soon, take care," Sonny said.

"Say hi to Barba," Amanda said, and Sonny swore he could hear her grin.

"I will, and I’m sure he says hi back," he said as flatly as he could manage. It made Amanda huff out a little laugh though, so he considered it a success.

"Bye, Sonny," she said.

"Bye, Amanda," he said.

He tapped the phone to end the call, then he got up and put the chair back before going back to the living room to sit next to Rafael again.

"How’d it go?" Rafael asked softly.

"Good, I think," Sonny said. "She says hi, and she said she was happy for me."

"Good," Rafael said, leaning back against the couch and wrapping an arm around Sonny’s shoulders to tug him closer.

"I said you’d say hi back," Sonny said, tilting his head to smile at Rafael, who rolled his eyes.

"Say hi back," he said dryly, but then his face softened, and he smiled as he leaned in to press a kiss to the corner of Sonny’s mouth. "I’m glad it went well, I know how important she is to you and I know how scary it can be. I’m proud of you."

"I couldn’t have done it without you," Sonny said, because it was true.

"I don’t believe that for a second, but I’m glad I could help at all," Rafael said. "Do you want to stay tonight?"

Sonny sighed and settled in more comfortably, his head tucked into the crook of Rafael’s neck. "Yeah, I’d like that," he said.

#Barisi #Barisi fic #Smowkie's fic #asexual!Sonny

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the-ace-with-spades · 3 years

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(5/6) the best is yet to be

five times someone realized Ronan and Adam were basically married and one time they actually were

Part 1 │Part 2 │Part 3 │Part 4 │Part 6

Read on ao3

Declan wasn't surprised when Ronan told him he was gay, in fact, he didn't react at all, just shrugged and asked if Ronan would eat dinner with him and Matthew.

Declan wasn't surprised easily.

There was no big deal. Declan wasn't one of those Catholics and Ronan wasn't on the way to become a saint, if not for the obvious faith in God, Declan would say he was closer to becoming a satanist, really. If anything, this was less explicit and less worrying than picking him from the police station again or finding out he was dropping out to become a farmer. And it wasn't like Ronan was hiding it — Declan confirmed the suspicions the moment he moved in with Gansey but he suspected long before that.

He supposed this was what happened when your little brother leaves gay porn magazines just out in the open on his bed and you're the one hiding them from your homophobic father. Not that he would tell Ronan that, the experience would be equally traumatising and embarrassing to both of them and Declan didn't like to share the burden.

Adam Parrish was a fucking surprise.

Declan knew of Adam Parrish because of school, first. He was the quiet scholarship kid that didn't attract much attention except for his obvious poorness. Well, he was quiet until he was destroying Declan in the debate club. He still didn't talk much about himself, not like every Aglionby guy who thought he was the best thing since sliced bread, but Declan could understand that. He could understand that because he knew that sometimes you hide so many things that you no longer know who you are.

But that didn't make him less suspicious. Parrish joined the merry Gansey gang of traumatised misfits suddenly and without trying — so Declan did a background check on him.

His suspicion became deeper. He didn't like Ronan to think this was a friendship and not a transaction — Parrish had to have ulterior motives. He seemed to be a person that would definitely have less to give and more to take.

But then he didn't take anything.

The night Declan went to the police station with the knowledge that Ronan bit Robert Parrish, he thought it was the end, that this was the final charge that money won't be able to drop and that Ronan will have to be bailed out and smuggled out to Canada to not go to jail.

And then Declan came in and the police officer told him that Robert Parrish is being charged and they needed Ronan to testify to make the charge stick and he couldn't testify without a legal guardian present.

No one said anything about Ronan getting arrested because Adam Parrish admitted to his deepest secret.

And Declan was sure this was the end of niceties from Parrish, that he was going to use it as an excuse to move into that warehouse Ronan called home and sponge off on Gansey's kindness and Ronan's guilt.

And then he fucking didn't. So Declan gave him the pass.

And then, months later, Ronan told them he was gay.

The next Sunday, Parrish came to the Mass with him, wearing a secondhand suit and Ronan's tie.

"This is my fucking boyfriend," Ronan told him and Matthew on the steps to St. Agnes. "Deal with it."

Declan rolled his eyes. Adam rolled his eyes fondly. Declan frowned. Adam raised an eyebrow.

Matty asked if Adam was Catholic. Declan raised an eyebrow — he knew he wasn't.

"No," Adam answered. "I'm the emotional support."

True to his word, Parrish didn't pray, didn't kneel and didn't move during the sign of peace offering. Instead, whenever Ronan sat down next to him, his hand would wander to Ronan's on its own, like it was natural for him, and Ronan wouldn't oppose, just curl his fingers over his knuckles and caress it with his thumb.

There was, Declan found out over time, a huge amount of hands involving the two.

They walked out of the church holding hands too and held them together when Declan drove them all to the cheap diner Ronan insisted on. Parrish insisted on paying for his food an hour later and it became obvious why Ronan wanted to go to this exact place.

It was strange to see Ronan care about somebody and care enough to think about this kind of details — he knew Ronan did care, even if never about Declan, but it felt strange on another level. Like he had seen it before but didn't realize.

Declan tended to erasure Adam Parrish from his mind most of the time — if anything, he was safe for the Lynch family.

Parrish was a good influence if one compared being smitten to being influenced. Declan tended to use it to his own advantage — although Ronan would often refuse for the sake of refusing, he refused Parrish less than anyone else. He encouraged Ronan to modernise the farm — with a promise that he'll fix anything that breaks for him, or so Matty had heard — and actually, somehow convinced him to pay taxes, which was in itself a miracle — Declan felt like buying him a car just for that. He had to cover up enough tax fraud thanks to their dad and he wasn't going to do it again.

So Parrish was a good influence and when Declan didn't feel like dealing with Ronan's snark, he would text or call Parrish.

Not gonna be in church tomorrow, was a text Declan got one Saturday, waiting for Matty to get back from an outing with his lacrosse buddies.

He had to blink a couple of times because he hadn't had an unprompted text from Ronan in over two years. He wondered whether Parrish wrote it out of courtesy — or because he didn't want to deal with Declan either.

He called Parrish. He didn't pick up. He called Ronan. He didn't pick up. He called again.

A text came.

Fuck off

It was definitely Ronan.

The next day, Declan considered the option that Ronan was joking. Out of all the things, Ronan would never miss church, he couldn't recall even one time — Ronan would sooner come drunk or hangover to church than not come at all.

He didn't show up. So Declan left Matthew in a restaurant and drove to the Barns.

No one came out even when the Wolvo roared in front of the house. Declan left the car, ready for a disaster.

He hesitated before coming in.

He didn't visit the Barns that often but it was often enough that he had seen Ronan and Adam in enough compromising positions that made him wish he could burn a hole in place of those memories. He was never to see the kitchen counter the same and definitely never again prepare food on it. Knocking was safer.

He knocked. No one answered. He knocked louder.

There was a terribly loud screech behind him and Ronan's awful bird from hell landed on the balustrade of the porch, staring at him in the same way Ronan would if he was pissed. This was another reason why he never visited the Barns — everything, including his brother and his brother's boyfriend, crept him out.

He knocked again, louder and longer. No one opened.

He looked around, ignoring more screeching. Both Parrish's fugly car and Ronan's BMW are tucked behind the closest barn.

He banged on the door. Shouted, "Ronan, open up. For fuck's sake, I know you're inside," and banged again.

The door opened and Ronan, looking more pissed off than he had seen him in a long time.

"You fuckface," he said, which in Ronan-language meant a greeting. "Shut up."

Declan opened his mouth but articulated nothing before the cries came out from the inside of the kitchen. He frowned.

"What was that?"

Ronan groaned and went back inside, not bothering to close the door in Declan's face, which was a red flag in itself.

Declan went after him, straight to the living room.

The cries were Opal's. She was currently tucked into Parrish's arm, her head curled under his chin and bailing her eyes out. Parrish wasn't just holding her — he was making shushing noises and rocking her back and forth.

"It's alright, sugarplum," he was saying, in the sweetest tone that sounded so out of place on him. "It'll go away, I promise."

Ronan's whole body softened with every step he took towards Parrish. He reached out and brushed Opal's curls in a gesture that Declan often, as a child, would seek from their mom.

"Did you get it?" Adam asked over Opal's sniffling.

His eyes moved around Ronan's face and noticed Declan, standing a couple of feet away.

"No, got sidetracked," he said. When Parrish sent him a look, he added, "But I'm going to, right away."

"Grab the baby Tylenol while you are at it."

Ronan went without a word, disappearing behind the corner to the foyer and the stairs.

"How is your toothache, baby?" Adam asked. "Any better?"

Opal answered him with a sob and buried a snotty nose into his t-shirt.

Parrish looked up at him like he expected Declan to say something.

Kids weren't Declan's thing.

Parrish adjusted Opal in his arms, rocking back and forth again, until Ronan came back downstairs, holding a tube of tooth gum gel and liquid Tylenol.

Parrish adjusted Opal again, this time holding her under legs so she was sitting up more in his arms. Ronan didn't even stop, just unscrewed the Tylenol and gave her a spoonful — she opposed a little, hiding under Adam's chin, but gave in easily enough after he shushed her again.

Parrish rocked her some more when Ronan went to the sink and washed his hands and put some of the gel on his finger.

"Come on, you little gremlin," Ronan said, calm. "You know that's going to help."

Parrish caressed her hair but she still shook her head, whimpering.

"Open up, munchkin," Ronan added.

She did, after three or so tries, and Ronan actually managed to coat her gum in the gel.

As soon as he was done, she flattered in Parrish's arms and Ronan brushed her hair again.

Opal, for most of the time, wasn't exactly a normal child — she didn't need the constant attention, could eat a lot of weird stuff without a trip to ER or could be left alone for long periods of time. She wasn't a baby, so she couldn't be anyone's baby.

But for some of the time, she was an actual child, living with Ronan and his boyfriend, being partially dependant on them. She wasn't a baby but they were parenting her.

"You could give her some ice cubes," he said because nothing else came to mind. His common sense screamed, You're nineteen, you can't parent a child together, but he said instead, "That's what mom used to do."

Ronan went to the fridge immediately.

Opal fell asleep fifteen minutes later.

After Ronan took her from Adam's hands and carried upstairs, Adam, in shortly, explained.

Opal bit something, yesterday's evening, and ruined two of her teeth, which for a creature that hadn't felt any major pain yet was traumatising. Ronan went to get a baby Tylenol and tooth gel from the closest open pharmacy while Adam stayed with her. She just fell asleep when Declan came by.

"Ronan called every dentist within twenty miles but no one had any appointments left for today," he said. "So we're taking her to the dentist tomorrow morning."

We.

Declan probably should be protesting, should be intervening, should be doing something. But somehow, he just felt proud.

Ronan was impulsive, greedy and selfish. Probably shouldn't be trusted with himself, not to mention a kid.

But he wasn't screwing up, yet, and Declan hoped he would never screw this up. Whatever this was.

#pynch #pynch fic #the raven cycle #trc #TRC #declan lynch #outsider pov

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hermionemonica · 4 years

Text

The Road to Us, and Everything in Between: Chapter 1

I have been working on this AU for over a year now, and I finally decided to share this with y’all on the occasion of reaching a new milestone (500 followers yayy!). I hope you all like this!

(This is a no magic AU. There is no existence of the Miraculous or the superheroes in this universe.)

Dedicated to @marshmeowllowmuffins who has been so excited about this for so long!

AO3 | Chapter 2

A winter night. A familiar chime on her phone.

Marinette unlocked her phone to find a text from her boyfriend of three years, Nathaniel.

"There’s something we need to talk about. It’s high time you know everything about me. Tomorrow. And please, Marinette, don’t misunderstand me."

The tone of the text carried an ominous message. What could Nathaniel be talking about? Did he not love her anymore? Did he want to break up with her? Was he dying? Marinette had the worst eight hours before class the next day, her mind endlessly playing all the worst scenarios over and over again. She couldn’t afford to lose Nate.

And even with all that overthinking, the truth turned out to be something she had not expected at all.

"I am gay," Nathaniel mumbled under his breath.

At that moment, Marinette was probably too shocked to actually process what her “boyfriend" had just said, and what exactly it implied. Her response to it was “It's okay! I still love you!"

"You don’t understand!" Nathaniel retorted, a mixture of embarrassment pain and irritation on his face. "I don’t love you, at least not the way you thought. I never will be able to!"

Nathaniel sat down, and Marinette followed suit. She was still in a state of utter confusion and shock, but she instinctively did what she always did whenever Nathaniel was in anguish. She took his hand into hers, as he told her about the person his heart belonged to. Marc Anciel. Whom Nate had called his "best friend", and who turned out to be "the love of his life".

Nathaniel wasn’t publicly out yet, and Marinette was the first person he had trusted with his secret. Not even Marc knew. Hell, Nate wasn’t even sure if Marc liked him the same way.

It was a totally different thing that every word uttered by Nathaniel was driving a knife through Marinette’s heart. What exactly was she supposed to feel right now? She kept quiet as Nathaniel went over every incident with precise detail, which left nothing much unclear. Except for one part. Unable to hold it in anymore, she blurted out "Then who am I to you?"

Nathaniel wasn’t quite able to meet her eye. But his voice was sincere when he said "You are my best friend, Marinette. Don’t get me wrong, I have always loved you, and I still do. Just not in the way you expected of me."

“How long have you known?” Marinette asked.

“Almost two years, actually,” Nathaniel replied in a low voice. “Please don't get angry that I hid it from you.”

‘Angry’ was not even close to what Marinette was feeling.

Nathaniel continued. “I didn't know at the time when we started dating. I wasn't very comfortable being close to you, but I guessed that was because it was my first relationship, and I was nervous. But time passed and I didn't even get the courage to kiss you. And then when I met Marc, I felt all those things that I was supposed to feel for you. There wasn't much left to figure out after that.”

Marinette took a deep breath. "So, what happens now? You, me, this relationship, where does this go next?"

"I leave that to you,” Nathaniel wrung his hands. “After everything, you deserve the right to decide for yourself. I promise I’ll be okay with whatever you decide. I trust you."

As if the revelation hadn’t been enough for her brain, now it was her responsibility to handle it. "I think I need some time." She stood up.

"Sure, let me know when you feel like," Nathaniel said, fearing the worst, and feeling defeated. "Just, keep this between us for now, please?"

Marinette turned to look at him. "Not even Marc?"

"Not even Marc."

"Alright. I’ll text you later."

After Marinette got home, she cried her heart out. Marinette had never been what they call homophobic, but it was one thing to support her friends like Juleka and Rose, and a whole other thing to have her own boyfriend come out to her as gay. No matter how much she pretended it was okay, she knew that this changed everything. Everything she had, or rather she thought she had, was a lie, was something that never was. Her first love, the person she had believed to have reciprocated her feelings, never even thought of her that way. All the stolen moments, holding hands, secret glances, cute messages – none of them meant anything. It was all a big lie. What was the truth then? What assurance was there that her entire life wasn't a lie?

Her thoughts flitted back to the beginning of her relationship with Nathaniel. How she had fallen in love with the shy kid who sat in the back of the class, drawing away in his sketchbook. She had been only fourteen years old at that time, and the red-haired boy had stolen her heart. She had never thought something could happen between them, because she was too shy. But Nathaniel had noticed her. And when he had asked her about it one day, the colour of his cheeks matching his hair, Marinette hadn't been able to deny. And just like that, they had started dating. In the beginning, they had tried to keep it a secret, because Nathaniel had been scared of all the gossip. But Marinette had been too obvious; they had managed to keep it hidden for no more than six weeks.

And then happened something that Marinette hadn't really been expecting. Everyone had warned her against Nathaniel. They had said he was “weird". Her friends had said that he was not the right guy. But Marinette had stood her ground. Yes, she had definitely ended up forging distances with her friends, but she had thought it was worth it. One time, she had punched a guy right in his face, because he had called her boyfriend a “fag". Nathaniel had texted her that night, saying how grateful he was that Marinette stood up for him, and how proud he was to have a girlfriend who trusted him.

It was around then that Marinette had begun to realise why Nathaniel was so shy and introverted; it was because of how everyone else would treat him. They would mock him because he had feminine tastes, and make fun of him because he did not indulge in the kind of things that the other boys did. Marinette's heart cried for the poor boy. She had decided that she would do anything to help him build back his confidence. So she had begun to encourage him to pursue what he was good at: art. Bit by bit, she had brought out the real Nathaniel. At first, he had opened up to her, showing her his sketches. Marinette had discovered that Nathaniel’s artistic abilities were very versatile. He could sketch and draw and paint. His subjects also varied largely, starting from portraits to landscapes to mythical creatures and superheroes to scenes from daily life. Nathaniel had also let her into his other talents, ones no one knew about. Like singing; Marinette had had no idea Nathaniel had such a sweet voice. One day he had offered to do her hair and makeup, and when he was done, Marinette had never felt more beautiful in her life. When Marinette had visited Nathaniel's home for a sleepover, he had made her such excellent pasta that she had wondered if it had been brought from some restaurant.

Gradually Nathaniel had begun to shine out. Marinette had encouraged him at every step of his life, and she had been there to see him evolve. And for this Nathaniel could never thank her enough. But Marinette would always say that Nathaniel's smile was the biggest gift for her.

Nathaniel had been very reserved with showing his affections. And Marinette never had a problem with that, because that made the rare moments even more special.

Sure, Nathaniel and Marinette's relationship was not like her other friends, but she loved what they had. And she loved him.

And now, it was all over. No, it had never existed. It was all a pretension. Nathaniel had never been in love with her. This was a make-believe game, only Marinette had mistaken it all to be real.

Now that she knew, it did seem to her that she should have figured it out sooner. After all, she had always known that Marc had a special place in Nathaniel's heart, maybe even above Marinette. But she had trusted Nathaniel too much. And besides, she had always felt it was wrong to think of it as anything else, when Nathaniel had himself insisted that they were “best friends". Well, what did it matter now? The ground was slipping away from under her feet, and there was nothing that could make it better.

She knew that she needed to get it together. She was not at liberty to talk to others about what had happened, nor was she ready to weave any more lies. The only way was to look and behave normally. Which meant she would have to pretend that everything was okay between herself and Nathaniel. She had never thought that this relationship would be a burden to her, but there it was.

Marinette stayed in her room all evening and thought it over. She loved Nathaniel, and she could not imagine her life without her. Nathaniel needed her, but he was not in love with her. Nobody could know what changed in their relationship in the past few hours. Taking all of it into consideration, it left only one option to her.

Marinette realised it would be difficult for her to talk to Nathaniel directly, at least for the moment. So, she wrote him a message.

“Nathaniel, I have loved you and I still do. You said you have loved me as well, just not in the way I did. I believe you. And I don't hate you, neither do I feel disgusted by you, nor pity you. Because this is who you are. I fell in love with the person, Nate, not the identity.

“I have come to a decision. I am not leaving you. I am not ready to face that or provide others with any explanation for that. I guess neither are you. So we have to keep on this pretension of a relationship, at least till both of us are ready. If you are okay with it, of course.

“I promise nothing will change between us. Except maybe my expectations. Now that I know and understand, you can trust me.

“You said I have been the best friend you've ever had. All I ask is that you let me continue to be your best friend.

“And lastly, thank you for trusting me. Thank you for believing that I am worthy of knowing. And thank you for having given me a chance.”

Nathaniel’s reply came in the form of a message too.

“Oh Marinette, I knew you would find a solution! What have I ever done that I found such an angel like you! You are so amazing Marinette, any guy would be lucky to have you. And yet, the person you chose to be with turned out to be someone who could never love you the way you deserve to be loved. I am sorry Marinette, I am sorry for all the pain I have caused you and am causing you even now. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me, if not now then at least someday.”

“Never apologise for being who you are, Nathaniel,” Marinette would tell him, and Nathaniel would say that was the most beautiful thing anyone had ever told him.

Things slowly fell into place after that. Marinette made her peace with everything, convincing herself that no matter what, she could at least be around Nate, be a presence in his life. And their friendship just got stronger with the increased trust. They were happy. Marinette was happy. Almost.

If not for the gnawing thought in her mind that she had voluntarily given up her chance at happiness in order to pretend to be in a relationship with someone who would never love her that way. Yes, Nathaniel was a wonderful person and Marinette loved him so much. But it was so difficult to pretend, to lie to everyone, to hide the truth. As for Nathaniel though, he seemed so much happier. So carefree. Now that Marinette knew his secret, he had found someone he could share his innermost thoughts with. Marinette was glad she could bring happiness to the person she loved. Nate’s smile was the only thing that kept her going.

When they finished high school, Marinette obviously decided to pursue Fashion, while Nathaniel opted for Graphic Design. Naturally, they had to split their ways. But they made it a point to keep in contact. After all, they had grown too close to let go of each other so easily.

On her first day of university, Marinette received a surprise. She came to know that in the same university, in the Fashion Business department, studied the one and only Adrien Agreste!

Adrien Agreste was the son of Gabriel Agreste, the once-famous fashion designer. When Marinette was in high school, she had idolized Gabriel Agreste. But a few years ago, his secretary, Nathalie Sancouer, had revealed to the public that Mr Agreste was mentally unstable, and had physically and psychologically abused his son and his employees on multiple occasions. Several lawsuits and public scandals later, the Agreste fashion company had been removed from his hands, and he was taken into custody by the psychiatric unit. It was all over the news. Adrien was only seventeen years old when he became the CEO of Agreste Fashion. However, Miss Sancouer had decided to manage the company on behalf of Adrien, at least till he finished his studies and became qualified enough to take over the controls.

When Marinette was a young girl, she had had a celebrity crush on Adrien. It was hard not to, Adrien had been into modelling since early teenage, and he was understandably gorgeous. Marinette had been through a phase when she used to have posters of Adrien all over the walls of the room. But then, Nathaniel had come along and Marinette never had eyes for anyone else.

Marinette had been surprised to know that Adrien Agreste was studying in the same university as she was. Then again, it had been quite some time since the lawsuits, and Adrien was anything but a celebrity now. But that didn't stop her from gawking her eyes out when she first lay her eyes on Adrien. Marinette had always thought he was handsome, but now she saw that puberty had done wonders on him. No photos could ever do justice to how absolutely gorgeous he looked in real life, even without all the make-up or expensive clothes. Marinette couldn't help but be intimidated by him, and so she tried to look away whenever they crossed paths.

At first, Marinette didn't think it was a matter significant enough to tell Nathaniel. Adrien was just another student, someone Marinette had never even talked to. Nathaniel had never been very keen about fashion and modelling, and Marinette doubted if he knew about Adrien's life. She had never told him about her past celebrity crush, so there was that too. Nathaniel probably wouldn't think this was anything important. And after all, with their separate lives now, they couldn't talk about every single thing that happened in the little time they could make for each other. At least that was the justification she gave to herself.

The unexpected turn came one day when she saw Adrien sitting by himself on one of the benches near the sports compound. Her first instinct was to turn the other way round and run away, but something made her look closer. Adrien looked sad and at the same time, agitated. Marinette was already done with her classes for the day. The empathetic side of her took over her, and she went up to him.

“Is anything wrong?” she asked.

Adrien jumped up at her voice, as if he had not expected anyone to catch him there. Once he calmed down though, he was surprisingly willing to talk. It was almost as if all he was waiting for was someone to listen to him. He had a presentation due in the next period, he said, and he had accidentally ripped his jacket.

“It is my lucky jacket, and it, umm... has memories associated with it.”

Marinette would later learn that the jacket had been a gift to Adrien from his late mother.

“I don't have enough time to go home and change, and I don't know how to mend rips.” Adrien sounded really helpless.

“That's it?” Marinette asked incredulously, but immediately toned down, realising that it might come off as rude. “I can help you there.”

“Y-you would?” Adrien asked with disbelief, as if it was the strangest thing in the world to be offered help.

“I'm a Designs student, and being pretty clumsy myself, I am used to such situations.” Marinette offered, taking out her emergency sewing kit from her bag.

When Marinette was just about to begin the first sew, Adrien touched her hand to stop her. Reading his worries from his face, Marinette assured him, “Don't worry. I won't ruin it. The stitch won't even be visible, because I happen to have thread of the exact same colour as your jacket. Trust me.”

Adrien relaxed considerably on hearing that.

After the stitching was done, which took barely a few minutes, Marinette held it up for Adrien to see. Marinette had not expected to see such an expression of surprise on his face. Adrien had been associated with a fashion firm for all his life, surely a simple stitch couldn't be that impressive. But as it turned out, Adrien was hugely impressed.

“Thank you so much, you have no idea how much it means to me.”

Marinette felt her cheeks on fire. “It was my pleasure.”

And then, suddenly, Adrien looked awkward. “How-how much do I have to...” He stammered with his hands fidgeting in his pocket.

Marinette was aghast at the implication. “Oh, please no. Please don't even think about paying me or anything.”

“But...” Adrien objected.

Marinette smiled inwardly. Oh these rich people, she thought, used to paying for everything in money. Adrien certainly had a long way to go in social interaction still.

“Just think of this as a favour from a friend,” Marinette explained.

“A friend?” Adrien asked in a soft whisper, almost surprised.

Marinette couldn't fathom why a blush spread over his cheeks at that word. She flashed a grin at him. “I think so.”

“So, umm, do you think we can exchange phone numbers?” Adrien asked awkwardly. “No, no, don't get me wrong,” he continued hastily. “Not for any more favours! Just, you know, I haven't really had many friends before.”

“Well, you sure have one more now, Adrien,” Marinette replied with a smile, taking her phone out of her bag.

But when she looked at him, he was staring at her with a quizzical expression on his face. Seriously, had this guy never had a conversation before, that he had to react like this at everything she said?

Marinette stared right back at him, her eyebrows raised in question.

“You know my name?” asked Adrien. “But I don't think we've met before?”

Marinette couldn't hold back her laugh. Was he for real? “Who doesn't know you, Adrien Agreste?”

Adrien smiled at that, but Marinette didn't miss the shadow that passed over his features. Did she say something wr- Oh shit. He was thinking that Marinette knew him from the scandal, wasn’t he? Oh no, this poor boy, what was she going to say now?

“I-I mean, Miss Delacour isn't really that non-vocal about one of the most promising students she's ever seen, as she likes to put it,” Marinette managed as much of light-hearted sarcasm into that line as she could.

To her relief, Adrien visibly relaxed; he seemed to have bought it.

Marinette let out a breath discreetly, and handed her phone to Adrien so that he could type in his number. Adrien accepted it, and handed his own phone over for the same.

While returning his phone, Marinette said with a smile, “Marinette Dupain-Cheng, from the Designs department.”

Adrien's eyes lit up, as he squealed, “Oh I've heard about you! You're pretty much of a celebrity in your own line, you know?”

Marinette looked away to hide her blazing blush.

“Guess I'll see you around then?” asked Adrien, as he picked up his bag and turned to leave.

“Sure,” replied Marinette with a smile.

There could be no satisfactory explanation for why Marinette had refrained from telling Nathaniel about the conversation with Adrien. When Nathaniel asked her how her day had been, she intentionally left out the part when she had talked with Adrien and struck up a friendship with him. Why? Marinette had no answer to that.

Since that day, Adrien and Marinette had often run into each other in the corridors, and even had conversations in the cafeteria or in the common room during free periods. Although they weren't exceptionally close or anything, Adrien's face always lit up on seeing Marinette. Marinette, on the other hand, often felt her heart flutter when she talked to Adrien. Nathaniel, on the other hand, was unaware of this growing friendship. There was no reason why Marinette would hide such a trivial thing as a new friendship from her boy-er, best friend, given that they had got used to sharing every little thing, but even then, she couldn't bring herself to, for some unexplained reason. Although this baffled Marinette, she guessed it was for the better. That way, she could stop Nathaniel from teasing her about Adrien, and also, she wouldn’t have to lie to Adrien about her “boyfriend".

#miraculous ladybug #ml fanfic #my fic #the road to us and everything in between #chapter 1 #no magic au #alternate universe - no powers #marinette dupain cheng #adrien agreste #nathaniel kurtzberg #marc anciel #nathalie sancoeur #gabriel agreste #adrienette #multi chapter #slow burn

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thiswasinevitableid · 4 years

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Hi!!!!!!!!!! I just saw your playlist for the indruck rockstar au so naturally I had to go and reread the whole entire thing in one go this morning and I just wanted to say how much I Love it and the way you write that whole scenario, especially with the way you incorporated the music lyrics??? (Especially since you wrote a bunch of those????) chefs kiss. I was wondering if you had ever written or planned out any of the sternclay that happened before this story took place because the way you described what we got of how they got together sounded so amazing and I would Die to hear their point of view. Hope you have a wonderful weekend!!!!!!!!!

Thank you so much! I’m really proud of that fic, and it seems to have been one a lot of folks really enjoyed. And well, when you asked this, it got me thinking. So here’s a brief history of how Stern and Barclay got together in this universe. Heads up: it is NSFW

That didn’t go as planned.

Joseph only meant to alert The Cryptids to the fact their manager was clearly skimming off the top and downplaying offers for further connections in the business before turning every ounce of charm he could muster on Barclay. He came to fuck bigfoot, not change careers.

Now he’s packing up the second of his two suitcases, conversation with his parents still ringing in his ears. They’re not taking the fact that he’s dropping out of college to manage an up and coming, horror rock, very gay band particularly well and have tried twice to talk him out of it. Which is why he’s glad he went through all the bureaucratic steps before calling them.

He’s never been more terrified or excited in his life. He’s sure he can do this, he’s already booked them four more gigs in a logical tour path, found a better system for making their merch, and is tracking down a promising P.R lead. It’s the close quarters that scare him the most; he’s certain he could charm Barclay for an evening, could get the others to like him enough to hang around back stage once or twice. But for months on end? What if they think he’s prissy, or too perfectionistic, or too normal?

What if Barclay hates him?

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“I must admit, I’d have thought you would have made a move on Joseph by now.” Indrid says before pulling a sweater on over his head. It gets caught on his glasses, and he flails until Barclay helps it the rest of the way down. They’re somewhere south of Madison, the van cutting a lonely path down the dark road; it’s so late, and they’re on one of those vast, distinctly midwestern stretches where there’s nothing but night sky and fields. Jake drives, tapping the wheel in time with the radio while Joseph sleeps in the passenger seat and Vincent sprawls on the far back one.

“Kinda weird to hit on your manager, right?” Barclay peers warily around the passenger seat to be double sure the manager in question isn’t listening. He isn’t, lips parted slightly and dark hair falling in his face as his sleeping body is tilted this way and that by the motion of the car.

“Not when the manager looks like that and has already broadcasted his eagerness to fuck you.”

Barclay can’t really argue that first point; Joseph walked into that sorry excuse for a dressing room looking like centerfold come to life. There’s a certain kind of fan of theirs who spends their daily life buttoned up and following the rules, and Joseph struck him as exactly that kind of self-repressing, well groomed gym bunny. They’re always the most fun fans to fuck, in his experience. Couple that with the fact Joseph was (is) hot and willing, Barclay would have happily called dibs on the van for an hour to fuck him senseless that first night. But now…

“I dunno, he hasn’t really flirted with me since we met. And even then he didn’t flirt much.”

“The lecture on Haye’s deficits did start about two seconds after he entered the room.”

“Yeah” Barclay sighs fondly at the memory, “maybe he’s just not interested now that he’s seen me offstage.”

“Or maybe you’re both acting from the same vein of professionalism. Which is not terribly punk rock.”

“I’m being myself” Barclay grumbles “that’s-”

“The most punk rock thing you can be.” Indrid finishes, nodding sagely. Then he smirks, “but that doesn’t change the fact Joseph wants to get into those leather pants of yours. Why do you think he keeps recommending the stage outfits that involve them?”

“Hey, I like that look too. It’s my idea as much as it’s his.”

“Mmmmhmm.” Indrid yawns, rests his head on Barclay’s shoulder. Then he sings in his ear “Baby you got the clothes, baby he’s got the romance, you’ve got the moves so while you’ve got the chance, you wanna get in his pants, you wanna get in his pants, you wanna-”

Barclay elbows him sideways onto the seat, making them both giggle like they’re ten and wrestling on the trampoline in his backyard.

“Enough with the prophecies, Mothman.”

“That was hardly a prophecy.” Indrid sticks his legs into Barclays laugh, “but very well. I will leave you to pine for as long as you please.”

Barclay spares another glance towards the front of the car.

“I’m not pining. I just want him to like me.”

A snore in reply, Indrid out with his arms sprawled in different directions. Barclay chuckles softly, roots around for one of their two pillows, and settles his head against the window. He doesn’t shut his eyes right away; instead he watches the lights of distant houses and stars race past, melding into the reflection of Joseph’s sleeping face.

------------------------------------

“I bought us ten more minutes, I cannot believe they didn’t warn us this was a double appearance. I’ll-” Joseph finishes shutting the van door and promptly grips it so hard it leaves an indent in his palm.

The band is in various states of rapid undress, trying to get back into their first set of outfits, and smack in the center of the tableau is Barclay, naked from the waist down.

“-I’ll be more thorough going, um, going forward. See you all backstage.”

He can’t scramble out of the vehicle fast enough, finds one of the two functioning bathrooms in the place and locks himself in without a second thought. Leans against the graffiti coated door and shoves his hand down pants, a little embarrassed at how turned on he is just from one peek at Barclay’s dick. That doesn’t stop him from picturing it as he shoves two fingers into himself and jacks off like it’s the last chance he’ll ever get. The smell of two kinds of smoke, the half dead bulb, the din of the crowd gathering in the building all make him harder; he’s so desperately horny for his bassist he’ll make himself cum in a shitty dive bathroom. The thought has him moaning, and he covers his mouth with his free hand as he cums.

With a much clearer head, he washes his hands and leaves to round up his band. It’s better this way, better for him to get off alone than put Barclay in a weird position by his manager coming onto him. That’d be weird for everyone; this way is much easier.

Ten minutes later, standing in the shadowy steps and watching The Cryptids perform, Barclay growling and sweat-soaked, giving Indrid a messy, open-mouthed kiss when the singer initiates it, he knows it won’t be easy at all.

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They’ve done it; Joseph helped the others successfully sign with Amnesty Records, securing them a re-release of their first album at higher quality and with wider distribution, a massive U.S tour, and more money up front than any of them have ever seen. Amnesty sees promise in them, and Barclay knows they can deliver. They celebrated for two nights solid, and now reality sets in; Indrid is locked in a hotel room, writing like he’s possessed by the ghost of several rockstars at once, Vincent and Jake are trying to find places to live now that they’re based in Atlanta, and Barclay…

Barclay is standing in a half-furnished apartment that doesn’t belong to him. It belongs to Joseph, currently hopping on and off the phone while Barclay waits for dinner to arrive. In a perfect world he would have just cooked, but given how Joseph’s been the last few weeks, he’s worried that gesture of intimacy might freak him out. The manager was in meetings all day and is still in his suit, a forty dollar one they bought in a strip mall at the edge of town. On him it looks like it cost a thousand dollars just for the slacks. The slacks Barclay is failing very hard at not staring at. Joseph isn’t even twenty-one, but he’s been working deals like a pro, and it is the hottest fucking thing Barclay has ever seen.

He tries distracting himself from his unhelpful gay thoughts via distressing images. All he comes up with is having to steal Indrid’s phone from him after the singer called his family for the first time in almost three years. Whether that was to deliver a final fuck you or toss a hail Mary of reconciliation their way, Barclay isn’t sure. All he knows is he watched Indrid’s face take a turn, old hurts smothering the spark in his eyes, and he took the phone away while someone yelled on the other end of it.

“How are your parents taking it?” Joseph looks up from the laptop on the kitchen table where he’s entering dates into a calendar.

Barclay smiles, “Good. Pretty sure they’ve told everyone in the family the good news. Alice can get a chain email out like nobody’s business. They say they love me and are proud of me and that I have to promise to still come home for Christmas every now and then.”

Joseph smiles back, open for a moment before a guard slips back up. Barclay tucks his hands in his pockets, psyching himself up. He has to do this. He has to know.

“Have I, like, made you angry or something? You’ve just been standoffish lately.”

“Working out everything for the contract has been so stressful I’m not sure anyone but the execs have seen much of me.” The answer is well-rehearsed.

“Oh.” Barclay nods, hands still in his pockets and shoulders slouched.

“And, um, and they haven’t gone away. My feelings for you.” This answer is far quieter, the other man looking up from the screen with fearful eyes.

“That’s a...bad thing? But I, uh, I, like you too. I like so fucking much.”

A little puff of laughter, “I can tell. Believe me, I can. It’s just that being your manager is different than being a random fan looking for a hook-up; I might want something you’re not ready to give, or vice versa, and if we rush into things it could fuck up everything you guys worked for. Everything we worked for.”

Barclay cautiously steps forward, “What if we took things slow? Like, really slow.”

Hope sneaks into the corners of Joseph’s eyes, “What would that look like?”

“Like we go step by step, with first dates and like, hand holding and shit. We can take as long as we want; I mean, unless you’re planning on ditching the next big thing in the music world, think we’re gonna have plenty of time to spend together.”

“I like the sound of that.”

Barclay circles the table as Joseph stands. He cups his cheek, running his thumb up his cheekbone.

“Hey.”

“Hi” Joseph’s eyes have taken on a distinctly Bambi-ish shape.

“You wanna go get dinner tomorrow?”

The other man loops his arms around his shoulders, “Absolutely.”

Their first kiss comes less than twenty four hours; they may be taking it slow, but there’s only so much two men who’ve been pining in the confines of a van for months can take. It’s soft and popcorn scented and Joseph holds his hand the entire time.

---------------------------------------------

Joseph waits in the dressing room, ears ringing from the sound system and the screaming crowd. It’s the first time The Cryptids have played any sort of true arena, and they sold out the show a week in advance.

Barclay clomps into the room in his combat boots, grinning as soon as he sees him. He’s dripping with sweat, his eyeliner is a little smudged, and even though he isn’t the lead vocalist, he has enough backing vocals that his voice is a touch raw when he speaks.

“Fuck that was fun.”

“You all did so well. I, this is going to sound corny, but I’m so proud of you.”

“Should be proud of yourself too, babe. Without you, we’d probably still be playing no-name bars in Des Moines or Fresno.”

“Managing is easy when the talent’s this good.” He runs his hands up Barclays’ fishnet-clad chest.

“Take the compliment, blue eyes.”

High on pride and the knowledge that at least a third of the crowd would commit a felony to take his place, Joseph pinches Barclay’s left nipple, “No.”

Barclay growls, grabbing his lapels and yanking him into a salty, toothy kiss. He moans in reply, drops his hands down to undo Barclay’s fly so he can grind against him, feel him getting hard through his dress pants.

“You really wanna do that here, babe? Don’t wanna make our first time all soft sheets and candlelight?” Barclay rubs the top button of Joseph’s shirt between his thumb and finger.

“Yes, I want you and I want you now”

Barclay lunges, shoving him back until his ass hits the dressing room table.

“Fine” he grunts, getting his cock out while Joseph kicks one leg free of his pants, “can’t take a compliment, gonna take something else.”

“OHmylord, fuck, fucking finally.” He thunks his head back against the mirror as Barclay sets a ferocious tempo.

“Shit, you feel even better than I thought you would, and I’ve been, fuck, thinking about it for a long fucking time. Ever since you walked into that shitty dressing room in those tight shorts and shirt with my name on it.”

“Nnhng” He spreads his legs wider at the memory.

“Oh you fucking like that, don’t you babe? That why you wanted to do this here? So I could treat you like the horny fucking fanboy you really are?”

“Yes, ohmylord, yes, yes.” He can’t feel anything but the points where they connect, can’t hear anything beyond Barclay’s growls in his ear and the slap of skin on skin.

“Fuck” Barclay pulls his hair with one hand, shoves his knee further up with the other, “shoulda known, even with that fancy suit all you wanna be is my fucking toy.” It’s a snarl, the hottest sound he’s ever heard and he drags Barclay into another kiss, amazed that he feels close to cumming already.

Knockknock.

Barclay turns his head towards the door, Joseph muffling his panting breath in his shoulder.

“Uh, who is it?”

“Mothman. The winners of that drawing are back here to meet us.”

“Shit” Joseph hisses, starting to sit up only for strong hands to trap him in place.

“Cool. Uh, gimme like” Barclay looks down to where his cock is buried into Joseph, “three minutes?”

The smile in Indrid’s voice is unmistakable, “Of course. I still need to find Vincent. See you soon.”

“Three minutes seems optimisticAH, ohgod” He holds on for dear life as Barclay fucks him with sharp, deep thrusts. A calloused hand finds his dick and Joseph bites down on a broad shoulder to keep from alerting everyone in the vicinity to his impending orgasm.

“That’s it babe, cum for me, cum on my cock in a backroom like the horny, needy thing you are.” Barclay stills his hips, hand working with slick, messy movements until Joseph cums. He doesn’t wait for him to finish all the way before slamming into him for ten of the best seconds of Stern’s life and cumming with a deep moan.

“Fucking-A that was good.”

“Good is an understatement.”

“I love you so fucking much.”

“I love you too.”

A kiss on the head as Barclay helps him onto the ground, a flurry of putting their clothes into a rough approximation of order. Then Barclay kisses him again as Joseph strokes his hair.

“Offer of soft sheets and candlelight still stands.”

Joseph holds him tighter, smiling against his neck, “I guess we know what we’re doing tomorrow night.”

----------------------------------------------------

It’s the last day of recording the tracks for “Blood on the Mirror” and the mood is bittersweet. After this, there’s one more tour and then The Cryptids go their separate ways. It was time, everyone but Indrid and Jake ready to move on to other projects, and Joseph is already on board to manage Indrid’s solo career (“I’d trust it to no one else, Joseph. I mean it”). All the same, when the final track is deemed done, everyone applauds and embraces like they’re going off to war.

He heads down to his office to finish reading over venue contracts while the band packs up, but he only gets through one before Barclay appears.

“Hey, blue eyes.”

“Hi, Bigfoot.” Joseph stands and comes to the door to kiss him, “are you already set to go home.”

“More or less” Barclay rubs his arm, his most consistent anxiety tell, “uh, there’s just one thing I gotta ask before we leave.”

Hushed voices down the hall, but no one there when Joseph looks behind him to check. When he turns back, his hands fly up to cover his mouth. Barclay is down on one knee.

“I, uh, I know this might not be the most, uh, traditional spot to do this but it feels right. I’ve just been thinking about how a huge chapter of my life is coming to a close and there’s this whole new, exciting, terrifying blank page where I have to write the next one. And I, I realized that I want you to be in that chapter with me, and the next one, and the one after that. So, uh, what I want to know is: Joseph Stern, will you marry me?”

He nods, not trusting his voice to come out with intelligible words.

“Oh thank god.” Barclay springs up, cupping his face and spinning him in a kiss. Joseph laughs as whooping cheers echo towards them. Indrid, Jake, and Vincent, are peering around the nearest corner, beaming.

“Indrid is for sure going to say I told you so the second he gets me alone” Barclay chuckles, “I was so afraid you’d say no because things will be kind of up in the air for the next few years.”

Joseph turns his face back towards him, “You’re right, they will. But I can’t think of anyone I’d rather spend them with.”

#agent stern/barclay #sternclay #rockstar au #TAZ amnesty

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glassesandkim · 4 years

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I hope we get something about Levi's mom this season. Even if it's just one sentence I want to know if he's talking to her or not. They left on pretty shaky ground and it's been what two-three months in grey's time? I want to know how Levi is doing and I want to know about his dad. I want Levi to have a dad.

Here, friend. I wrote something! You can read it here or on ao3.

It’s not even morning rounds yet and Levi has already had to call time of death.

It’s in these moments that he doesn’t know what he’s doing anymore. He doesn’t know if he’s a doctor or just a guy collecting deaths on his wrist. Even when he closes his eyes, he sees the red flash of alarms on monitors and hears the incessant drone of hearts flatlining.

Yesterday, it was three. The day before, it looked hopeful at just one death. Today? He doesn’t know. He really doesn’t know.

“Schmitt!”

It’s bed sixteen: Claudia Walton. Grey’s there, already doing chest compressions. He grabs the laryngoscope and tube that’s already being handed to him by a nurse. He can hardly see into her airway. It’s so swollen that he throws the tube on the floor and is immediately given a smaller one.

They’ve done this so many times. Nobody really has to say anything. They know the flow, the pace. Adrenaline takes over and there’s only one goal in all of their minds.

“Time of death, 7:27,” he breathes out, his breath is hot in his mask and gets trapped beneath it. Grey is gone in a flurry of yellow and blue. The nurses and PCTs start cleaning up around him.

He’s so tired.

It’s three in the afternoon when he finally gets to go for lunch. They’re only allowed to sit two at a table and Levi, in an exhausted daze, almost forgets to take off his mask when he tries to take a bite out of his sandwich.

He sees a flash of someone familiar through the cafeteria doors. Fluffy hair atop of golden skin and broad shoulders in dark blue scrubs. He swallows hard, catching a much needed breath.

Suddenly, his shift is over but he’s still running a code and another starts just as Grey begins bagging. He jumps across the hospital floor towards the symphony of alarms and beeps. His tired, urgent voice joins in amongst the noise.

He loses the seventh patient of the day an hour after he’s supposed to be off.

“Go home, Schmitt,” Grey says and all but pushes him out the doors of the Covid ward. Her eyes are red-rimmed and her breath fogs up inside her headgear.

Levi doesn’t remember how he makes it to the resident’s lounge. Or when he passes out on the couch. His mask is riding halfway up across his face and that’s when he remembers Ms. Walton’s laugh just the other day. She was so nice and so warm. She asked him how he was, made him promise to stay safe and to eat, even between coughs and tired sighs. She was alive yesterday. Now she’s dead.

“Hey.”

Nico’s leaning against the doorway, hands in his pockets. And Levi just about wants to run to him and jump on him, rip that damn mask off and kiss Nico’s mouth.

But Levi only replies back, “Hi.”

They do it in the bathroom. Levi’s head resting against Nico’s shoulder. One hand gripping tight around his bicep and the other tugging at the hair at the nape of Nico’s neck. It’s getting long and it covers his eyes. So when Levi lifts his head to watch Nico, just as he slides his own hand underneath the waistband of Nico’s pants, all Levi sees is nothing but hair and mask.

He hasn’t kissed Nico in weeks.

There are a lot of things he hasn’t done since the world turned upside down. Like go to the dentist despite the ache in the back of his mouth. Or grab takeout from the sharwma place down the street because that business is closed and probably gone forever. Or, what he really really wants is to go see his mom.

Levi really can’t believe he hasn’t seen her since —

“What’s wrong?” Nico’s voice is soft and comes from far away.

He’s really thinking about his mom right before sex. Normally, he would be slamming his head against the wall, trying to stop this obscene train of thought, but nothing’s normal. And it’s the first time in eighteen hours that he’s had a moment to actually think. And goddamnit, in this moment, he misses his crazy mom who has probably been hoarding bagels and fighting people over jugs of hand sanitizer. His mom who calls him everyday and who is almost always met with his voicemail because he’s too busy, too tired, too whatever. His mother who raised him, clothed him, fed him and loves him and who he left because she couldn’t see that existing as who he is, meant existing beyond his little room in the basement.

Despite all that, he misses his ima so much.

His chest hurts as he takes a couple of deep breaths. Nico looks concerned now, brows knitted underneath his messy bangs. Levi feels a hand come up to touch his cheek. It’s Ms. Walton’s, her laugh sings prettily in his ear and he swears he’s not running a code, but the page is going and it’s his two hundredth death of the day. Chest compressions! Chest compressions! Chest compressions! He’s been doing so many his arms have become jello. He can’t do it anymore. He’s so tired. He’s so so tired.

“Levi?” Nico calls him again, and ah -- what? They’re back in the bathroom now, but Levi’s trying hard to focus on breathing — in, out — in, out — in — in —

The next thing he knows, he’s on the cold floor in Nico’s arms, back pressed flushed against the other’s chest. His mask is on the floor in front of them and Nico’s whispering things like “You’re fine, Levi. Breathe. That’s it. Good. You’re doing great. You’re fine. You’re okay.”

Fuck, shit, goddamnit! He wants to say all of that but breathing seems to be the only thing he can do right now.

It takes a bit but eventually, Levi feels like he’s back inside of his own body again. Although, it feels incredibly heavy and useless so it’s a good thing Nico is strong and lifts him up to his feet easily enough.

Nico guides him back to the couch and thank god the lounge is still empty. He forces Levi to lie down and slides a cushion under his head and kneels beside him. The same, warm and steady hand comes back to hold his face again and this time, Levi knows it’s Nico’s. His other hands takes Levi’s pulse on his neck. He sees Nico’s mask is gone too, his face a sight Levi’s been craving.

But he can’t stand the way Nico is looking at him, all worried and sad, like Levi’s going to breakdown, even though he just did. He hates that.

"Hey,” Levi says, trying and watching Nico. "At least this time, I didn’t faint in an OR.”

Nico stares for a moment, his thumb pauses under Levi’s eye, and then he chuckles, shaking his head, eyes crinkling. Levi missed this.

They stay like that for a while, not talking. His eyes closed and counting each breath that comes out. Levi greedily drinks in Nico’s warm touch.

“How many today?” Nico’s voice is quiet.

Levi opens his eyes, makes to say the number, but something catches in his throat. Ms. Walton was the worst one.

“One of them reminded me of my mom,” Levi manages to say this in a whisper.

Nico frowns. “And is she—?”

“Dead.”

A pause. "I’m sorry.”

“Not your fault.”

He wants to call his mom. Even his aunts and his uncles. His cousins and their kids. Hell, if he could call his father, he would. But the guy left him and his mom when he was a kid. Yet Levi would still want him to be okay. To be safe. To be healthy.

Nico hasn’t stopped touching his face, holding his cheek and rubbing the space between his cheek and his ear. The skin there revels with heat.

Maybe Levi’s a little angry. Angry at the world, at the pandemic. Angry that his mother tried to hide his being gay from the world. Angry that the fear of the disease is so big, it eats him up whole every time a new case comes in. And he’s angry that he’s alone and Nico is supposed to be nothing even though he’s right in front of Levi, being there for him, holding him, smiling. Like this could be a thing, more than just stress relief. And now he’s angry he’s being hopeful when he knows he shouldn’t be.

He loved Nico. He still does. Levi loves Nico.

Nico looks like he wants to say more. Levi swears he sees something shining, threatening to escape in Nico’s eyes. His lips parted and his expression open and soft. For a moment, Levi thinks it might happen. He doesn’t know what Nico might say but he’ll listen. He hopes Nico knows that he’ll always listen.

He can’t help but grab Nico’s hand in his. But then Nico’s gaze hardens again and their hands fall apart.

“Do you need anything else?” Nico asks, standing up and looking away from him.

Levi sits up and tries to hide his disappointment. “Maybe you could just forget that that happened? I’ve got enough things to be embarrassed about.” He adds on when Nico smiles, “No, I’m all right.” “Okay.” Nico doesn’t even hesitate when he turns towards the door, putting his mask back on.

“Are you?” Levi blurts out, not ready for him to leave just yet. “Are you okay, Nico?”

Nico stops. And Levi wants him to look back, wants to see him, but Nico doesn’t.

"I’m fine, Levi.”

And then he’s alone again.

#schmico #grey's anatomy #i didn't mean to write a fic but heereeeeee #levi has a dad :(#mywriting #gk asks #anonymous

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thehuns-bubble-tea · 4 years

Text

So guess who finally wrote the SaiZon essay I promised months ago! @there-is-a-carrot-in-my-ear’s post was the last bit of encouragement I needed so thanks for that lol.

I am going to go episode by episode to talk about all the SaiZon scenes. I am using the official LineTV episodes and some of the translations are a bit weird so I will have to occasionally make assumptions with the dialogue, sorry in advance for that. If I happen to assume wrong or make stretch conclusions forgive me for I only have one brain cell and it’s currently bouncing around my head like a window’s screensaver. I am also going to mention some of the behind the scenes episodes so if you haven’t seen those you might be slightly confused, but I don’t have international links for them so I apologize! Also this ended up being 18 pages long- I AM SORRY.

So let’s start with part one of episode one shall we? The beginning starts off weird as hell, honestly I had forgotten how crack this show was after the last few episodes were so- normal? Anyway we are dropped off in Zon’s dream(???) where he sees Tutor and Fighter being cute, and then an absolute precious Saifah- except it is really weird to start off here. This dream doesn’t seem to belong at the beginning because nothing that sets up this dream has happened yet, which I only realized as I rewatched it. Zon doesn’t know about Tutor and Fighter’s relationship until episode 11 and he doesn’t actually know Saifah yet, so to have Zon have this dream as the literal introduction to the show is a bit of either foreshadowing or referencing the idea that this whole show is a dream/Zol’s novel which I think is quite interesting. I don’t have much else to say about this besides I am incredibly impressed with how well this scene garners interest- it’s like I’m watching for the first time again and I /need/ to understand what is going on. Also the animated Zon freaking out about Saifah getting too close? Mood.

There was no SaiZon part in part two so moving on to part three of episode one! This part starts off with Saifah playing the guitar surrounded by a bunch of girls and Zon walking up from behind, seeing him. As much as I would like to say “love at first sight” this is definitely not that- in fact Zon straight up tells the girls they don’t like each other. Which is fair honestly, these two at the beginning don’t seem to have anything in common. Saifah is an engineering student while Zon is a english(literature???) student so they wouldn’t be able to get close through classes and they don’t seem to share many face value interests (Sai with guitar and soccer, Zon with writing and generally “nerdy” stuff) so it would be easy for them both to write each other off. Definitely not a “I hate him” but more of a “I don’t know him and I don’t want to” kinda situation where unless outside forces brought them together they wouldn’t have even considered entering each other’s lives. So shout out to Tutor and Soda for being mvps! This part also gives us the iconic moment of Zon literally standing on a table to fight Saifah and like??? Hello??? The tension already here is so much- but here’s the thing! Why R U has set up their relationship to be that of “enemies” up to this point, so when you first watch it you’re like “hm Sai is trying to get a rise out of Zon because he thinks it is funny because they hate each other” but what Sai says isn’t necessarily mean. Yes Sai does tease Zon about being bad at everything, but after that he just flutters his eyelashes, calls himself cute, and does that cute little smile up at Zon. There is no real hurt behind his words, if that makes sense? It is very much a teasing jeer at Zon to get a reaction, and the second Zon stands on the table Sai smiles and seems to take pride at the action. He isn’t doing it out of hatred or evil, but more like the joy of seeing Zon riled up. Sai blames his actions on disliking Zon because of reasons they’re currently only alluding to but like- bro get over it? There’s no reason for Sai to act like that if that was his only motive so I call his bluff, he has to already be somewhat interested in Zon. Even if it’s not a crush yet he definitely enjoys Zon’s reactions enough to keep pressing buttons.

Finally the end of episode one with part four. Finally! The, also iconic, punch to kiss scene! Sai is smooching the girl Zon is pursuing, it’s upsetting for Zon and Sai is kinda rude about it- then WHAM. Zon, the absolute unit that he is, just fucking decks Saifah. When I tell you I screamed- This is especially important because the thing that finally makes Zon snap is Saifah’s “no one can like you” comment which is so hurtful and man he’s gonna eat his words you can just /feel/ it already. And the punch is completely valid because what Sai did was shitty and honestly Zon had every right to be mad so great moment 10/10. Then we have Sai try to retaliate and first off he misses like a huge dork and then he kinda trips into Zon which leads to them accidentally kissing. Logistically I don’t know how this happened, but who am I to complain? This is of course also Sai’s first experience with a Zontm reaction and that I think is what causes the shift in Saifah’s head. After that huge exposition piece we have Zon dreaming about Saifah in his bed talking about them being together. All I’m gonna say is- is it gay to dream about your not bro wanting to kiss you? The answer is probably yes.

No SaiZon for parts one or two of episode two, but part three gives us a bit to cover! First off- the elevator line scene where Saifah literally stares at Zon with the absolute best puppy eyes and lovesick smile is peak cuteness, like?? Hello??? This is the perfect example of what I mean when I say SaiZon were never enemies- like I can’t imagine hating someone and then letting them shoulder bump me with a “hi”. That’s not how enemies act, this is more of a “well we haven’t always gotten along but I’m willing to move on, here let’s try again” type of situation and it’s fucking adorable. Sai seems confident in his own teasing way and Zon is confused as heck, which is so valid. Mind you this is also several months after their accidental kiss so any hot blooded emotions surrounding them has definitely dissipated which means there is now room for them to grow and initiate a friendship, which is what I assume Sai is trying to do. This is also the first time we get “my Zon” and I swear everytime I hear it I astral project into another dimension, so there’s that. Also Sai fulling embracing the fact that these girls ship them is peak bi confidence (I read Saifah as a bi character don’t @ me lmao), that I can only wish to have. Like Sai seems to already genuinely like being around Zon, lightly teasing. I say this because nothing he said was a dig at Zon harshly but more like something I would say about my friends to get them to give me a funny reaction and he gets exactly that. Zon gives him a reaction and then as soon as he’s gone Sai has this very pleased smile on his face. It really feels like Saifah has already decided that he wants to have some sort of relationship with Zon, at this point I wouldn’t call it a crush yet but more like a casual friendship. Then we have Zon daydreaming about Sai asking him to be partners for the music competition thing and again I’m going to ask- is it gay to daydream about your not bro pouting and wanting to be partners? The answer is probably yes.

Part four of episode two gave us no SaiZon so we move on to part one of episode three! We get a tiny bit of animated Sai talking about flirting with Zon, Zon freaking out you know- the usual. But then we get the stair scene that haunts me. Sai has committed to calling Zon “my Zon” already and I am here for it. His fucking smile after he says it too- boy is enjoying himself. The two fight over whether or not Zon will play with Sai or not and progressively lean into each other’s spaces as they bicker back and forth. Which is valid- Zon doesn’t even know how to play and then to be asked to play with someone he doesn’t really know or get along with, I’d say no too. Anyway Tutor breaks them up drags Sai to class, but not before Sai can say goodbye to “N’Zon” which just really threw me and Zon to be honest. I love that Sai is fully committed to these nicknames and I love how flustered Zon gets because of them- they’re already starting to fall into an ease with each other. Quick note here Saifah tells Tutor that he likes teasing Zon because it makes him happy, which is kinda cute? We see Sai play around with Tor and Day a bit but the way he is with them is vastly different then when he’s with Zon. Again I wouldn’t quite call it a crush yet- but we’re getting there. For now it seems more like an enamoured fascination with this dork of a human. (also real quick side note but I love Soda and would gladly let her step on me--)

Part two of episode three gives us yet another iconic scene- I have dubbed it the gay painc shower scene for obvious reasons. First of all, props to Zon for even grabbing Sai’s towel for him. Like they might not be close, and Sai might tease Zon relentlessly, but Zon is a genuinely good person and I really like that about his character. He doesn’t even hesitate to ask “which one” so he can do that for Sai. But of course Sai has to be a little brat and try to pull Zon into the shower stall with him, causing Zon’s first almost heart attack. Then he crowds Zon up against the wall with the most sensual look and teases him by attempting to remove his towel, giving Zon almost heart attack number two- Sai is seriously a brat and I love it. The funniest part is that this, from my experience at least, is common locker room teasing which Zon clearly wouldn’t know since he’s not in the soccer club- so having Sai do this to him is clearly a point where Zon’s single working braincell goes into gay panic and just short circuits his system and once again that’s valid. Zon tells Sai no matter what he won’t play with him, man these two eat their own words a lot huh, and Sai tells him it’s really up to him. Also side note here I know Junior did this in hopes of getting Sai to convince Zon to do the talent show thingy but I fully head cannon that Junior realizes there’s /something/ going on between them and forced them into this position, do with that what you will. There is also behind the scene footage of this scene (I can’t find an international link to this specific one rip) but it shows Jimmy and Tommy fake biting each other’s fingers and it’s so cute and weird- anyway all this to say I think this is where we start to see a shift in Saifah’s attitude. He’s the one who mentions being partners, mentions kissing, and Zon being a shy Korean drama lead- he’s a huge romantic so this is where he steps up a bit more. Instead of being just a tease in the way Zon acts it is now a tease about them together, being together, testing waters almost. It’s a huge shift if you really think about it, the only thing that stays constant is Zon’s flustered reactions.

Part three of episode three once again delivers with panic gay Zon being a fucking dork. This is where we get that ridiculous moment in the bathroom when Zon thinks two dude are doing the do in a stall and presses Saifah into a wall, you know casually. This scene is so weird and just ??? why??? Saifah takes in all in stride though, this kid is seriously getting whipped quick and I relate. Zon just has such chaotic energy that it’s hard not to play along, no matter how mortifyingly embarrassing he is. Also can we talk about how every time Zon leaves an interaction with Saifah, Sai gets the biggest smile? Like that is so precious I can’t handle it, boy is WHIPPED and doesn’t even know it yet!

Part four gives us a little bit of SaiZon. Zon is distracted by his text conversation (this is not translated so I have no clue what’s being said or who he’s talking to rip) when Saifah comes up behind him. This looks so domestic- like you don’t just do that to someone you barely know, right? Also the fact that Sai can lean over Zon so far when Zon is just sitting is stressful to me. Who gave him the right to be /that/ tall? Anyway Zon goes to stand and Saifah scares him, causing him to trip backwards and have the first of many time where Sai holds Zon up and it’s romantic as heck- They both instantly know where to hold each other, and then gaze at each other’s faces I just ??? I’m short circuiting honestly. This is also the first indication to me that Sai is developing some form of feelings because he keeps looking at Zon’s eyes and lips, and that’s valid. Of course Zon ruins the mood by pushing him away but they both look hurt this time. Sai looks hurt even asking if Zon’s serious about not playing together and it’s the first time we see Sai be any bit vulnerable. He seems to genuinely hurt by the idea and it makes Zon shuffle a bit before leaving. Even when he’s gone Sai looks upset and even comments on how Zon falls easily- which is really cute. This is our first glimpse at the Saifah that seems a bit more like the hopeless romantic we get towards the end of the series, a stark contrast to the overly confident perfect boy persona he uses around the campus.

No SaiZon in part four of episode three or part one of four so on to part two- We get the music partner reveal! And to Zon’s credit he doesn’t immediately turn around and leave. Instead he is actually committed to this and Sai, to his credit, doesn’t make him feel weird. They take the fan page photos and they’re both clearly out of their element here, they’re shy and awkward and it’s precious. They’re both coming to this realization that they’re really doing this- being partners and committing to each other basically. They both seem determined but also terrified of what that means. I love it- because this isn’t about them just yet but more of their shared responsibility to Soda now that they both can’t back down. It’s a good foundation because right now they’re on equal footing, neither really has the upper hand. Soda, my queen, to her credit is trying to get them to see that their arguing isn’t going to help anyone here and it’s a fair point. They’re going to be stuck together for two months (why was I under the impression this whole time it was much longer?) and they both agree to at least attempt. I love how genuinely awkward these scenes are because like I’ve said before they were never enemies but also never friends, they don’t know much about each other yet so it’s weird. What do they talk about, what are their boundaries, they don’t know and I love it. It is the perfect foundation for a fresh start for both of them to learn about each other and build a strong bond. We get a bit of Sai trying to teach Zon guitar strings and it’s a nice moment. They’re both getting comfortable with the other and then Sai plays the love song for Zon- you think Zon’s going to be set off by the moment but instead he teases Sai! He confidently both compliments Saifah and teases, it’s growth! Then Saifah settles to help Zon learn to strum, a moment where they’re very intimately pressed together and have an almost kiss. This is the first time they do the lip bite thing that I noticed they do when they think about kissing the other- and this is the first time that I think they realize their feelings aren’t just basic acquaintances. For Zon he feels something but he is also hung up on the idea that this is all Zol’s book. He is scared because he doesn’t know if these moments, these feelings are real or not. For Saifah I think he is really starting to understand how he feels for Zon, but thinks that Zon doesn’t and will not feel the same. But Sai isn’t the type to push so he just lets it go for now. Then we get the cute montage of them getting closer and teasing in more of a friendly way- again this is just solidifying in our minds and theirs that there is something growing between them. Right now it’s just a natural friendship, but is also hinting at more deep feelings. This is the part that I love the most about SaiZon- this was never a love at first sight relationship, it is one born out of something incredibly natural. They grow into each other and themselves. We start to see Saifah get more comfortable with his dorky side, and Zon gets more confident in himself because of their time together. It’s a breath of fresh air how easily they settle into the other’s presence. And of course we also get the gay pining bed scene and I, for the third time shall ask is it gay to daydream about your new bro laying in bed with you? The answer is probably yes.

Part three of episode four gives us the iconic guitar pick date (yes I understand I keep saying iconic but with SaiZon what isn’t?). This entire scene is just the cutest thing? They fall into each other so easily and they seem to have tons of fun goofing off. It reminds me of my friends and I going to shopping centers just to window shop and be together. It’s so incredibly natural and shows that they’re becoming so much closer then what they started out as. Nothing is over the top or unrealistic, instead it’s effortless and an absolute joy to witness. There’s even a deleted scene where two girls come up to ask for a photo (which is weird but whatever) and Zon gets so lost in his head about how close Saifah is- it really is a defining moment in my mind that Zon is torn. Torn between believing that his feelings are real and that this is all just being a dream from Zol’s novel. I kinda wish this scene hadn’t been deleted because it takes away from Zon’s internal struggle. When they have their little heart to heart and Zon admits that Sai is actually a good person my soul leaves my body. It is so cute and demonstrates that these two have started to grow past their initial judgements of each other and more into learning the intricacies of the other. Anyway it’s cute and I love them, moving on.

Now on to part four of episode four. This gives us the scene that fully convinces me that Saifah is just a big softly. Sai walks into the practice room to see a mess and Zon is asleep on the floor. Instead of being a brat and waking him up, Sai quietly goes around and cleans everything up because he is peak soft boy he just won’t admit it. When he does accidentally wake Zon they’re both just absolute cuties- the way Sai’s face falls when Zon said he was just kidding about wanting to wait for him- my boy is WHIPPED. But here’s the thing, and I’ll come back to this point in a bit but, the way Sai never pushes Zon on anything. It’s clear that Sai is really starting to crush on Zon the way he treats him and acts but any time Zon pulls away Sai just lets him. That’s so refreshing, especially in contrast to the way TorFight act in parallel to SaiZon. There is never an expectation for Zon to meet Sai’s desires and Sai takes only what Zon is willing to offer, and I appreciate it so much. Anyway their little collective panic when Sai tries to take Zon to his room is hilarious they’re both on such different pages and they really are just dorks. And then we have the typical in the rain sequence- oh my gosh- I love some good classic tropes and this is one of them. Once again we see Saifah just be an absolute romantic, he doesn’t even hesitate to take off his jacket to cover Zon and himself. I just- that’s peak romance for me my dudes. Both me and Sai are whipped and that’s just facts. Then Zon (somehow??) forgets how to stand on two legs and trips yet again and we have another close contact scene, but this time there noses touch and Zon’s reaction isn’t nearly as visceral as it has been- it’s almost like he likes the attention up until his mind thinks it’s too close to a novel and he gets scared.

On to episode five’s part one! Zon is finally in Sai’s room and we get the cute hair drying scene that Zon doesn’t appreciate as much as I do- anyway Zon is freaking out and Saifah doesn’t fully understand what he’s babbling on about but still gets his chance to tease. It is once again cute and effortless, I crave more of this (SaiZon special episode I’m looking at you). Sai is getting a bit more confident with his advances but always pulls back the moment Zon freaks, it’s completely them. And then we get them waking up in each other’s arms, the screaming, Zon being an absolute moron. This is why these two are /the/ couple for me. Like no one else could pull this scene off nearly as well as them, it’s great. Also Saifah pulling a 2Moons2 Kit and just yeeting Zon off the bed? Iconic, that’s it that’s the analysis.

Part two of episode five has a moment that’s not a SaiZon scene but I do feel like it’s important in their relationship- Zol tells (well lies but Zon doesn’t know that-) about changing the story after their promise/wish/curse. This is the point where Zon can finally take what he has been experiencing and feeling in for the first time with a clear head. It’s no longer “possibly” influenced by supernatural forces because of Zol. This is when Zon decides “oh this is real, these feelings are real”, and you can tell that the way Zon acts around Saifah is considerably more calm and open to Saifah’s advantages to a point. Occasionally he still talks about it everything being similar to a fiction but he isn’t held back by it nearly as much. Then we get SaiZon practicing in the music room again and being interrupted by Natee and Junior, they kinda make Zon nervous about the show- until Saifah steps in. He confidently tells Zon he believes in him and that he will be there for him and I just- oh my god?? That’s so soft and I swear Saifah is the biggest soft boy ever who is willing to do anything to lift Zon up and that’s precious. They really are slowly starting to get on the same page.

Moving on to episode six part two (this is where we start to see less SaiZon due to the pandemic limiting their filming time)! This episode gives us Zon asking Sai on a guitar buying date. And lemme tell you the way these two act? WHIPPED. They both get so shy and tease the other the perfect amount, they really have grown into each other in ways I don’t think any of us expected. The cute little happy dance they do when they agree and hang up? Boyfriends, just like ??? hello??? Mind you they agree to go the Saturday before the show so they have now spent almost the full two months together- I can’t even believe it. They have had this relationship grow for two months and we’ve only been able to see glimpses, just imagine what we don’t get to see! Anyway we see Saifah being peak baby all bundled up sharing headphones with Zon- which is like peak romance for me I won’t even apologize. And then the pure excitement Saifah has when Zon suggests he stays over at Saifah’s- WHIPPED. He even suggests that there might be something between them when Zon questions their closeness, but the moment Zon wants to change the subject Sai follows his lead, like I’ve mentioned before Sai is not one to ever push Zon for more because he respects Zon so much.

Part three of episode six gives us the rooftop scene! The lingering looks! “The stars are beautiful.”, “It is beautiful-” as Saifah looks at Zon with those soft eyes! THE GAYS ARE PINING. And then them playing together. I am crying??? I can’t even form sentences, I can’t analyze, I just am going to sit here for a moment and think about how this romance is goals. That’s it.

Part four is full of SaiZon just being huge teases. Saifah confidently pulls Zon into him, asking if Zon is afraid of falling in love with him and I just- the way Zon looks at Sai? He’s already in love, and no I don’t take criticism. That’s it, that’s the analysis.

Part one of episode seven is the scene that made me want to write this essay- we have Zon and Saifah in the most intimate scene yet for them. It really is just a back and forth between them that is simple and wholly them. And then it shifts- Zon is looking at Saifah so softly, and is easily going along with what Saifah is doing with no hang ups. Saifah is looking up at Zon like he’s hung the stars and it’s the perfect moment. “You’re being so obedient, be like this more often. I like it”, “I like it too”, even the music is just perfect, but right at the last second Zon looks away. “I didn’t mean I like you.” and Saifah clearly looks disappointed, everything leading up to this was pointing in this direction and it didn’t happen. Saifah very clearly has feelings, he isn’t even trying to be subtle anymore, but not once does Saifah push for more. He backs off and settles down into a level that matches Zon’s comfort zone, because he cares about Zon’s comfort more than his own feelings. They have a moment for the comfort to level out once again and then they’re back to their usual selves. They’re back onto an equal field where they’re both just being themselves together- and they have another almost kiss that Sai does try to play off. Zon is still a bit spooked but it is still another testament to Saifah’s respect of Zon’s boundaries. This is where yet another deleted scene happens that I desperately wish they kept- it shows Zon fast asleep grab at Saifah until he’s completely draped over him. Saifah holds him, very similarly to a scene we will get to shortly, and the smile on Sai’s face? This boy is so in love but also so careful with Zon’s limitations, that just being able to hold Zon is enough to put him at ease. And we were ROBBED of it. Why R U editors turn on your location, I just wanna talk-

Part two of episode seven gives us the most cursed scene that, like Zon, I wish I could forget. There’s nothing inherently wrong with it but the second hand embarrassment is excruciating so for the sake of my sanity I’m gonna kinda gloss over it? Zon sees Sai’s boner, it causes Zon’s single brain cell to explode, that’s it- MOVING ON. On the bright side it also gives us SaiZon’s first public performance together. I assume this is to hype up the actual show, I don’t really care, all I care about is how earnest Saifah is with Zon. Zon is terrified of performing and Saifah is there to cheer him on. He is willing to let Zon leave if it means Zon will be more comfortable and he genuinely doesn’t want to push Zon into anything. Zon finally calms down enough to agree to stay and sing- and then Saifah starts rubbing his hands to give some comfort. The dialogue in this scene will forever go down as one of my favorite exchanges ever- “Are you okay with having me beside you?” SAIFAH HONEY. This one sentence holds everything in it. Is it okay that Saifah tried to kiss him? Is it okay that he got turned on? Is it okay that Saifah clearly has some sort of feelings for Zon? AND ZON SAYS YES. I just, I will never recover. It’s a very cute moment that they share, a sort of understanding that they share now that doesn’t really change what they have already, just gives some clarity to their current situation. And then the performance they give? It’s wonderful. What more can I say?

And now we’re getting to the good stuff- episode eight, part one. Sai is able to sneak read a bit of Zon’s writing, Sai trying to make himself look not suspicious is so funny, but the absolute angle Zon lets him get away with it. Then they have a cute back and forth about Sai wanting to sleep over at Zon’s place, it’s precious and shows that since the last time Zon seems a bit more comfortable with the obvious flirting and even does some himself. “Otherwise I’ll kiss you.” Saifah being bold as fuck and Zon not running away? That’s what we call growth! Then when Saifah is actually at Zon’s home and they’re telling his parents about the music show they are in full support, Zon’s mother and Saifah both teasing him about his name’s meaning. It’s light hearted and fun and I appreciate how cool Zon’s parents seem to be with their son’s and Saifah’s relationship (thus far). But them being so okay with his joining the music show compared to how unsupportive about his writing hurts, both me and Zon. When they’re in his room Zon is visibly upset with how his parents have handled his passions and Saifah is doing his best to cheer him up. Giving him some comfort, and this is where he admits to reading a few chapters of Zon’s fiction and Zon looks shattered. He is so afraid it’s bad because no one will support him, encourage him until Saifah tells him he actually liked it. That if he wants to keep writing he can count on Saifah to read it and it’s so touching because Zon finally has someone who believes in him. They have this really longing moment of just staring into each other’s eyes and it’s so soft and just full of pining. EXCEPT once again there’s a deleted scene we were ROBBED of. (Why R U’s editing team is out to hurt me apparently) In the deleted scene there was supposed to be a kiss to end the longing stares, this would be their first real kiss. And as much as I would have /loved/ that I can understand wanting the other scene being /the/ moment, but it doesn’t make me wish this scene hadn’t been cut any less.

The next three parts of episode eight I’m going to talk about in one piece because it is basically one long scene that’s just cut into parts. (Part 2, Part 3, Part 4) We have finally gotten to /the/ moment they’ve been leading up to this entire show, the music performance. When we start Zon is asleep and Saifah has arrived with food, trying to wake him up and only successful when he manages to kinda kiss Zon. They bicker a bit in their normal way, Zon whines about wanting an egg and Saifah gives his up happily. It's freaking adorable and the quality content I signed up for. Soda puts them in their performance outfits. They have a weird little fashion show that just makes me love Tommy and Jimmy with all my heart, you know the usual. And then the time gets closer to their performance- Zon is, rightfully, nervous and is having a little breakdown in front of Saifah who is trying his absolute best to calm him down. It’s a touching scene because you can tell that Sai doesn’t really know what to do to help but is seriously trying, and then Zon asks for some encouragement. Saifah wrapping his arms around Zon and hugging him is a scene that I will never recover from. Saifah is so confident in Zon’s skills and very clearly wants to perform with Zon that he’s willing to just hold the nervous kid in his arms until he calms down. It’s really touching and romantic and just perfect. It does the trick and they’re able to perform without a hitch. (I would like to say at this point I have been working on this essay for two days and have decided to throw alcohol into the mix so if I start going off the rails- whoops?) The actual concert is super lovely, like Tommy can sing don’t even @ me because I could listen to these two sing and nothing else and I would be completely happy with that, and when they go to do their thank you speeches my heart swells. Hearing Zon heartfully thank Saifah for doing this with him and then to hear Saifah ask every one to cheer for “my zon” one more time, it’s the pinnacle of romance. I don’t even think that they know how it looks to an outside viewer because they’re so lost in their own world. To them this wasn’t about the concert anymore but them proving themselves to each other, something so meaningful to them because without this moment being the huge lead up they would never have been anything more than people who shared mutual friends and “hated” each other. Without this concert neither would have taken steps to bring them closer, to this peak. And that is exactly what the concert is, it’s their peak because it’s the tipping point for their relationship. Any hesitation from either at this point would break it all down. And so when the two of them head backstage and they have this magical moment- this is it. Zon is complaining about the strings hurting his fingers so Sai softly blows on them to soothe the pain, it’s simple, quiet, and breathtaking. “Why are you so nice to me?” It's such a simple question, Zon’s eyes are filled with stars and he might not thinking that he’s going to get a good answer. “Because you already have my heart.” That’s it. Nothing Saifah could have said would top this. It leaves no questions, this is it for Saifah- he is throwing in everything at this moment and Zon just stares at him. He doesn’t flinch at the kiss Saifah leaves on his forehead, instead he puts his hands on Saifah’s cheeks and pulls him closer so he can kiss his nose. It’s not words that either need now because they just understand. They’ve taken the chance and it’s real now. Them just brushing noses in comfort is enough, but then they go all out. They /finally/ have their first /real/ kiss and it’s a culmination of everything they’ve been through and felt up until this point. I’m sure everyone has seen the behind the scenes clip of the pd calling them out for not following the script. Supposedly it wasn’t supposed to be so passionate but more of a quick peck, but this- what they gave us was nothing short of perfection. This kiss is a solidifier for everyone, especially Zon who has struggled internally this whole time about whether this is real or not. This is a confirmation that Zon’s feelings, now I might be reading a bit too into it/self projecting onto Zon, are valid. Zon and Saifah, as far as we know (I haven’t read the novel either btw), are presumably perceived as straight hell they may have thought they were straight up until they developed feelings for each other. Saifah develops his feelings confidently, he isn’t ashamed or shy about them. Like everything else in his life he takes it and makes it his own and that is completely valid. But for Zon it is a struggle the whole way through. He’s scared and he overthinks, over analyzes everything, and shys away from Saifah’s advances until now- a common theme found in many unsure/closeted queer kids. And THAT is also valid. They’re both so completely different and yet they fit together in ways that I don’t even think they knew was possible. The way they play off each other, can read the other, knows what to do or say- it’s the perfect amount of them.

Episode nine is purely TorFight and part one of episode ten gives us only crumbs of SaiZon, but they are crumbs I would die for. It’s a couple of minutes of a sleepy Zon being cuddled by Saifah. Nothing fancy, nothing overly sexual, just the domestic bliss of these two holding each other. Once again it’s a testament to how made they are for each other. In any other drama (and I say this with affection to all the other bls I have consumed) this wouldn’t fly- this slow progression isn’t the norm for these types of shows and that’s why it’s so damn refreshing. Saifah in all his suave bad boy persona, is truly just a hopeless romantic that wants to hold his boyfriend in his arms for as long as he wants. Zon for all his shy avoidance of anything romantic, just enjoys having Saifah by his side. There is no one party pushing for more, no one party aggressively making moves that are unwanted. It’s just these two content in taking it slow and basking in the warmth of it,

Again for episode eleven we only get a little bit of SaiZon in part four, but that’s fine. It’s especially fine because it’s like every good sick fic I’ve ever read put into canon. Need I say more? It’s soft and cute, Saifah being a whiny sick baby while Zon takes care of them is peak devastation. I really have nothing to say here except thinking about this scene gives me a hundred and one fic ideas and melts my cold dead heart. Moving on.

Episode twelve has a bit of SaiZon but outside of them being totally whipped and wearing matching outfits to the beach I don’t have anything to say? Like I could just scream about the fact that they’re cute but if you’ve made it this far I would hope you already know that, so I’m gonna carry on to episode thirteen- hope you don’t mind!

The finale- episode thirteen. Once again I’m going to just talk about it as a whole rather than split it up because this episode also follows like one central moment in time rather than having huge time breaks in between. (Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4) Now we can get into the quintessential moments that define why I think SaiZon is one of the most superior relationships in media I’ve ever consumed. We are thirteen episodes in, we know these characters. They have grown into each other in front of us and this episode shows it in such a poetic way. When Sai and Zon get to their room at the hotel Sai is quick to tease Zon about his “duty” (for future reference if I ever hear someone say duty in reference to sex I might just cry) that night and of course in typical Zon fashion he gets a little antsy. But it doesn’t stop there like it would have earlier, instead Zon uses his nerves to turn the tables. He initiates a kiss with Saifah! Leaving both Saifah and I stunned in the process before teasing and dragging him out for their cute little beach date montage. Now mind you I am gay and love the beach so this shit hits hard for me. Like they’re being your typical love sick characters, Saifah stealing a few cheek kisses to Zon’s surprise, they goof off on a boat(?), they have those dumb couples clothes on- it’s really over the top cute like what else can I say. You want proof love exists? Here you go. Anyway they’re cute, it’s lovely, moving on. They have, I can only imagine this as a very strange double date, dinner with TorFight some bickering happens- again your typical drama moment it’s not too special. Until we get back to the bedroom. Now I have seen a lot of queer media in my life and with that comes your natural tropes (I say tropes fondly because I tend to like most tropes), and that’s what I was expecting. But no, I have never seen anything so purely born out of natural instinct and emotion in my life. Saifah sitting at the edge of the bed strumming a nameless song out of nerves, Zon trying to get his attention in the dorkiest way possible. Once again this is so totally and utterly /them/. I can’t picture anyone doing the way they did, selling that natural awkwardness that comes from your first time with someone you love? Fuck man. Saifah is finally all out of the confidence he normally has, instead he’s avoiding Zon and the prospect of the night by playing the guitar. It makes sense too because this is his first time doing this with someone that he loves, and his first time with a guy which is another added layer of nerves. It’s a lot for both of them, but Zon seems to be actually interested now- finally starting to make moves himself because he knows for a fact Sai isn’t going to push in fear of spooking Zon. And then we get the real moment that really changes everything, “You have music in your heart, don’t you want to have Zon in your heart?” This is it- this is the moment they’ve both been waiting for. Zon already has Saifah’s heart, he has for a while I believe, but this question is what tells Sai that Zon is ready too. They want the same thing, each other. Now we get one of the best build ups I have ever experienced. If you're watching just at face value it might seem a bit strange but every action is deliberate. @spookshowenilorac and I have this running theory that Zon doesn’t close his eyes during some kisses because he is afraid that if he does it will all disappear, it’ll be just a dream from Zol’s fiction (and anytime one of us mentions it I tear up). He’s been so afraid for so long and this moment does feel like it’s out of a dream, it’s overwhelming in passion and over thinking. But the moment Zon accepts it as real it progresses. Mind you, as I’m sure you already know, the tongue in these kisses was not scripted. This is purely Tommy and Jimmy giving this scene and these characters everything they had. It just feels right, after everything these two have been through, and to not have that level of intimacy would have left this scene hollow. The passion and dedication Mii2 gave SaiZon is unparalleled. But that’s not it is it? No, they take it even farther. The promises they make each other? “I promise that I will only have you.” “I’ll give in only to you.” The unscripted tears and voice crack? Nothing can or will top that. I’m sorry but that is /love/. This isn’t based on lust or desire or just purely passion, what Saifah and Zon have is so palpable you can almost feel it. I don’t think any words in our universe can explain the raw emotion that just envelopes this scene in particular. And to know half of it was unscripted and Mii2 just felt like this was what was needed, what the characters would have done is so validating? Just knowing that both Tommy and Jimmy see it too, how this scene needed to play out this way in order for Sai and Zon to have their story complete is unprecedented. Again I wish I had the words to describe it better but I just don’t, so I hope you can understand at least the surface level of what I’m trying to get at here. Anyway let’s move on before I combust by the pure emotions in the bed scene to the next bed scene! This is where Zon and Saifah wake up the morning after, and when I say this is yet again peak devastation I am not kidding. They’re so bright and loving with each other in their typical teasing manner. Saifah steals a cheeky kiss from Zon and demands a kiss on his cheek, of course Zon tries to mess around refusing, then kissing, then refusing when Sai asks for more. It’s light hearted and the emotional levity we all needed. Especially with the dazed look Zon has, I think here is when he fully understands and accepts that Saifah and this feeling isn’t a dream. This is real and his to keep. The passion between them hasn’t died down but their relationship isn’t solely based on it being so aggressive either. They excel in these in between moments, the give and take of both a teasing joke and a desire to be together. It’s not as primal as the love TorFight have, but that doesn’t make either any less valid. It’s the fact that they’re such vastly different relationships that makes me admire this show more. The contrast between the two really highlights that no two relationships are the same, just like no two people are the same and that’s a wonderful message. Moving on from that very domestic scene we get the beach kissing scene (yes I’m skipping a tiny bit because I have nothing to say about SaiZon walking in on TorFight besides gay solidarity baby!). First of all I wanna point out that their outfits are peak gay culture, like I can see @travelersmindpalace and I wearing the exact same outfits during our next beach date and it /hurts/. This is also where I point out that I have a weak spot for height differences and holy shit does SaiZon deliver. The way Zon has to kinda tippy toe to kiss Sai or have Saifah lean down a bit- I’m whipped. They also thank each other for coming into their lives and I had to pause for a good few minutes to have a nice little cry over that. Like??? How??? How are they so pure and sweet after everything- I really can’t fathom it. And they do that soft little nose bump thing before they kiss- my gay heart can really only take so much of this without crying over them. They truly are the pinnacle of relationship goals. I don’t know how else to say that? They really just are so encouraging of each other, the boundaries they set up are respected, there’s never a moment of an imbalance of power, they just have a healthy relationship that’s based on trust and understanding. I hope in the in the future we get more shows depicting a relationship like this.

This was a lot and I am sorry for the word dump?? If you made it this far I love you and I beg you to scream about SaiZon with me- and with that I’m done!

#why r u #saizon #saifahzon #THIS TOOK FOREVER I'M SORRY #this is almost 8000 words of me crying over my love for saizon episode by episode rip #boba!wordcollections #it's 1am I'll deal with the consequences of this when I wake up :3

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amoderndreamletdown · 4 years

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All We’re After- Chapter 1

So I started writing a Julie and the Phantoms prequel fic about Sunset Curve set in the ‘90s back in November, and I never posted it anywhere. So, I figured why not post the first chapter on Tumblr to see what you guys think.

Tick. Tick. Tick.

Alex listened to the sound of the clock in his chemistry class as he completed the test in front of him. He couldn’t focus, and his hands shook as he wrote the answers on his test booklet, and he found himself tapping his pencil on his table. This earned a lot of stares from his classmates, and a lot of shushing from his teacher.

“You okay, Alex?” Whispered Alex’s best friend, Luke.

“Yeah, I’m okay,” Alex lied, blushing as he made eye contact with Luke.

“Okay,” Luke said, turning back to his test.

Alex followed Luke’s lead and continued on his test. He barely paid attention to what he was doing and instead just focused on the clock. He willed the clock to go slower or to stop completely, but he knew that wasn’t possible.

Alex watched as the minutes ticked by and more and more of his classmates got up to turn in their tests. This only made more anxious, especially after Luke turned in his test before him.

“How are you done already?” Alex whispered to Luke as he sat back down.

Luke shrugged. “Most of the class is. Are you sure you’re okay?”

Alex nodded. “Yeah.”

Alex went back to his test and started scribbling in answers. He doubted they were right, but he couldn’t focus anymore. All he could think about was what he’d say to his band mates after school, and what they’d say back. He hoped it wouldn’t be too brutal, and that he’d still have band mates after what he was going to say.

He finished his test just as the bell rang, announcing the end of class. It startled him so much that he fell out of his seat.

“Wow,” Luke said, rushing to help Alex get up.

“Thanks,” Alex told him, his cheeks red from embarrassment and from him looking at Luke. God, why Luke, why couldn’t it have been some other guy in his class? Why did it have to be his best friend?

“Are you hurt?” Luke asked him.

“My dignity is,” Alex replied.

Luke smiled. “Trust me, no one saw, they were too busy running out of class.”

Alex smiled. “Thanks, Luke.”

“No problem,” Luke told Alex. “Now, c’mon, Bobby’s gonna drive us to his house for band practice.”

Alex nodded. “Okay. Let me just turn in this test and get some things from my locker. I’ll meet you outside.”

Luke nodded. “Okay.”

Alex turned in his test and then split up with Luke to go to his own locker. His heart hammered as he walked. He couldn’t believe he was going to admit something to his friends that he had kept bottled up inside him since he was thirteen. He was almost seventeen now, but he had had a hard time even admitting the truth to himself much less anyone else.

Alex opened his locker and shoved his textbooks and drumsticks into his backpack as quickly as he could. He needed to stop thinking about what would take place in the next few hours, but it was almost impossible. Every time he tries to think of something else, his mind would wander back to the future conversation he had been stressing about all day.

Alex finally closed his locker and made his way to the front of the school. His hands shook as he got closer to the parking lot. He recited what he was going to say over and over in his head. He finally snapped out of his daze when a voice called his name.

“Hey, Alex!” Luke called, holding his guitar, and standing next to Reggie and Bobby.

“Hey, guys,” Alex said, walking over to his friends.

“You’re late,” Bobby joked.

“Sorry,” Alex apologized. “It’s been a long day.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Bobby told Alex.

“Ready for practice?” Reggie asked the group.

Alex nodded. “Yeah, let’s go.”

A few minutes later and Alex, Luke, Reggie, Bobby, and their instruments were all piled into Bobby’s semi-old beat up Chevy. It had been a gift from Bobby’s dad when he turned sixteen, and he had been driving it ever since.

“What do you guys wanna listen to?” Reggie asked the group, pulling out CDs from Bobby’s glove box. Some drivers might’ve seen it as disrespectful if their passenger dug around in their glove box, but Bobby didn’t mind. In fact, he encouraged the guys to add their favorite CDs to the glovebox so that they could discover new music, and jam out to their favorites.

“Green Day?” Alex spoke up. Normally, he wouldn’t suggest the music they listen to unless he was asked, but Green Day always made him feel less anxious, and he really needed that right now.

“Okay,” Luke said. “I can rock to that.”

“Me too,” Bobby agreed.

“Green Day it is,” Reggie said, and put in the CD.

The first song came on and the friends all sung along and rocked out to the first song. It helped calm Alex’s nerves a bit, but not completely. He tapped his foot nervously. He couldn’t believe it was almost time for him to say something he had been dreading for years until, finally, they reached Bobby’s house.

Alex took a deep breath and got out of Bobby’s car. He was building up the courage for what he wanted to say, but he knew he couldn’t tell them right away. He wanted at least one more normal band practice just in case he was kicked out or shunned.

“Ya coming, Alex?” Luke asked him, and Alex realized that he had been standing in the same spot for about a minute.

“Yeah, sorry, just thinking,” Alex said.

“About what?” Luke asked.

“Nothing important,” Alex lied. “Let’s go practice.”

Band practice lasted about five hours before they finally decided to take a break to eat. Bobby decided to order pizza since his parents were out of town for the weekend, and none of the band could cook. However, they still ate in the garage despite having the whole place to themselves. They all agreed it made more sense as the garage was basically their safe haven.

“That rehearsal was great!” Luke exclaimed, clearly proud. “I’m glad we were able to learn the new songs so fast.”

“Yeah,” Alex agreed.

“Would’ve been better if you let me make Crooked Teeth country,” Reggie mumbled.

“Crooked Teeth is not a country song,” Luke protested. “It’s clearly rock.”

“We could’ve experimented with it,” Reggie said.

“You’re not gonna crack him, Reg,” Bobby told him.

“Hmph,” Reggie said in defeat.

“Anyway,” Luke said, looking from Reggie to Alex. “What’s wrong?”

“What? Nothing,” Alex lied, trying to play it cool.

“I know that face,” Luke said. “What’s up?”

Alex sighed. “I have something to tell you guys, but I don’t know if I can,” he admitted.

“You can tell us anything,” Luke assured Alex.

“Yeah, we’re here for you, man,” Reggie added.

“Yeah, whatever you have to say, you can say to us,” Bobby said. “Nothing leaves this garage.”

Alex smiled. “Promise?”

“Promise,” all three boys said at the same time.

Alex took a deep breath. “I really don’t know how to say this, and I’ve been wanted to tell you for years now, but I never found the right time, and, well, I could barely tell myself the truth, and I know if I don’t say it now I never will and-“

“Alex, you’re rambling,” Luke told him.

“Right, sorry,” Alex took a deep breath. “What I’m trying to tell you is, well, that, I’m, well, I’m gay.”

Alex held his breath. At first, no one said anything. Alex was just about to get his drumsticks and leave, sure he wasn’t wanted when Reggie came over and hugged him.

“Wha-“ Alex started, but before he could finish, Luke and Bobby joined the hug. “You’re not mad?” Alex asked.

“Of course we’re not,” Bobby said.

“Yeah, we support you no matter what,” Luke added.

“You really thought we’d be mad?” Reggie asked.

“Well, yeah, I mean it’s not exactly the most accepted thing ever,” Alex told his friends.

“Well, we’re not like that,” Bobby said.

“Yeah,” Luke agreed. “You’re still the same Alex.”

Reggie nodded.

Alex smiled. “Thanks guys, but, um, would you mind not letting this leave this room. I mean you’re the first people I’ve told, my parents don’t even know.”

“Of course, man,” Reggie said.

“Yeah, nothing leaves this room,” Luke agreed.

“Yeah, don’t worry about it,” Bobby added.

“Thanks,” Alex said. He felt happy. For one of the first times in his life, he felt calm and relaxed. He actually felt good, and realized he made the right decision telling his friends.

“So, did you guys hear about what happened in Ms. Wilson’s class?” Luke asked the group.

“No,” Bobby said. “What happened?”

“Brandon Cooper and Tyler Jameson got into a huge fight over Susan McClan!” Luke exclaimed.

“Seriously?” Alex asked.

“Yeah,” Luke smiled. “It was pretty hilarious.”

“Who won?” Reggie asked.

“Neither. Susan rejected both of them right after the fight,” Luke said. “It was awesome!”

Bobby left. “That sucks.”

“Yeah,” Alex said. “They didn’t even get the girl in the end.”

Luke smiled. “Yeah.”

“How did I not hear about that?” Reggie asked.

“Because you’re in AP classes,” Luke said. “You were probably on the other side of the school, and the only one of us you have classes with besides music is Alex.”

“Just English,” Alex said.

“That’s still one more than the rest of us,” Luke joked.

Reggie smiled. “You’re not wrong.”

Although Reggie wasn’t exactly the brightest in the real world, he was extremely smart when it came to school things. Of course, Reggie had done some incredibly dumb thing, and Alex had often wondered how he wasn’t dead yet, but none of the school knew that side of him, they really thought he was the smartest person in the school.

The friends talked for hours until they decided it was probably best to go to bed.

“I call the couch!” Luke exclaimed.

Reggie sighed. “How come you always get the couch?”

“Because I’m more likable,” Luke joked.

Reggie smiled. “Sure,” he said.

“It’s fine,” Bobby said. “The beanbags are set up in the loft, we can just sleep on those.”

“Okay,” Alex said.

Alex and Bobby went up to the loft while Reggie stayed behind to get the teddy bear he carried with him from his backpack. Reggie had told them it was a gift from his parents before they started fighting all the time. He had kept it and used it as a comfort object to drown out the sound of his parents yelling.

Alex picked a pink beanbag to sleep on while Bobby picked a black one. Reggie came up on the loft later and slept on a red beanbag.

“Night guys!” Luke called from the couch.

“Night,” Alex responded.

“Goodnight,” Bobby said.

“Goodnight, Couch thief,” Reggie joked.

Alex smiled and looked up at the ceiling. He slowly drifted off to sleep.

#this was the first jatp fic i wrote #i'll post more of the fic if you guys like it #jatp #julie and the phantoms #sunset curve #alex mercer #luke patterson #reggie peters

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