#i’m going to have to look more at schizotypal stuff

[soupjug]

i’m making characters again

[gayassbagelmom]

A short(but probably long) rant about the beginning of chapter 23 and Thomas’s mental health in general:

Ps: this isn’t proofread and is likely all over the place, blame the ADHD lmao

At the beginning of chapter 23 there’s a scene where 10 year old Thomas is in the hospital waiting room, while his parents and doctor discuss his health. The doctor mentions the Thomas has OCD, that’s the first and biggest problem I have with this chapter. Let me give you all a lesson on psychology. OCD is probably one of the most misunderstood disorders out there. The main problem is people mistake OCD for OCPD. OCPD = obsessive compulsive personality disorder. You may think “okay well what’s the big deal? Aren’t they the same thing” no, they aren’t. In the DSM(diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders), the organize disorders into 5 categories, called axes:

Axis 1: clinical disorders

Axis 2: personality disorders

Axis 3: general medical disorders

Axis 4: psychosocial and environmental factors

Axis 5: the global assessment of functioning

Right now, axes 1 and 2 are the ones we will be focusing on.

OCD is an axis 1, or clinical disorder. Axis 1 disorders tend to be things that more so effect people’s moods or reactions. Examples being anxiety, depression, sleep disorders, eating disorders, and most mood related disorders. Basically, everything but personality disorders and mental retardation. People with these clinical disorders are usally well aware of their Irrational behavior and are distressed by it, actively seeking help.

OCPD is an axis 2, or personality disorders. Axis 2 disorders, as the name suggests, effect a persons personality and life as a whole. Examples being narssistic personlity disorder, mental retardation, antisocial personlity disorders, schizoid and schizotypal personlity disorder, basically, if it’s got “personlity” in the name, it most likely fits into this category. The difference between these and axis 1 disorders is they usally aren’t aware or their irrational behaviors and aren’t particularly upset by them. They usally only seek help due to friends or family

Thomas doesn’t have OCD, he has OCPD. Before I go over the differences between them, let me define two terms:

Ego dystonic: thoughts, impulses, and behaviors that are felt to be repugnant, distressing, or unacceptable with one's self-concept.(OCD)

Ego syntonic: thoughts, impulses, and behaviors that are felt to be natural or acceptable with one’s self-concept.(OCPD)

Okay now the rant like, actually begins. There’s a fuck ton of evidence the supports Thomas having OCPD and NOT OCD. OCD is a disorder charactrized by impulses and cleanliness. People with OCD usally have one or a few specific obsessions, an example being ALWAYS unlocking and relocking your front door three times before leaving, or washing your hands til they’re sore and red. People with OCD are motivated by the idea that some imaginary disaster could happen if they don’t do this. This is why OCD is considered an anxiety disorder. This is also where the fact that it’s a clinical disorder plays a large role. People with OCD actively seek out help, they don’t like the way their impulses effect their lives, OCD is an ego dystonic disorder. OCPD is much different though. Unlike OCD, people with OCPD, don’t have just a couple of rituals. The focus completely on perfectionism and control. They want everything to be orderly and under control, and have a tendency to come off as domineering. People with personlity disorders, don’t view it as a disorder and only seek help due to family and friends openly discussing that they dislike said persons behavior. They don’t view it as unnatural, that is why OCPD is a ego syntonic disorder. Off the bat there’s already a lot more similarities with OCPD symptoms and Thomas’s symptoms. Another fun little tidbit, studies show, a good number of OCPD cases may have developed due to overcontrolling, intrusive and dominating parents. Let’s look back at chapter 23 and I’ll list some example of OCPD behavior

“He had seen other kids his age--ten--scribbling stick figures when they drew, but he wanted his to look perfect. Or else what the hell was the point?” I mean come on, this literally screams obsession with perfection. He finds no interest in something less than perfect and can’t understand why anyone would be different.

“He switched his crayons from red to a black, tucking it back in the cardboard packet in the slot where it belonged.” A subtle but an example of a need for orderliness.

“He hated that there were ugly blue lines slashed through his drawing.” While the context of this scene relates to the lines reminding him of school, they also break the perfect nature of the picture

Some may argue “well if people with OCPD don’t think they’re behavior is so weird, then why is he obviously so bothered by it?” Well see, Thomas isn’t bothered by his OCPD, he’s bothered by his IED. His parents obvious concern is him becoming a surgeon, and dont get me wrong, I don’t wish OCPD upon anyone, but it seems like something 2 asshole parents would for their kid to have. People with OCPD tend to work extremely hard at their jobs, like way too hard, ruins their relationships usally. This whole situation mixed with his IED, just spells disaster. Thomas has absolutely no control in this scenario, he has no say in his medication, his dorm, his school, his studies, etc. to him, it’s not perfect, it’s not exactly how he wants it to be. This also explains why the medication really wasn’t working (and oh boy will I get to the medication part later)

I think I know why Thomas likes cars. He’s in control. To him cars are PERFECT, they’re sleek, shiny, made with no mistakes. When he’s behind the wheel, he has full control over this object that is so incredibly “perfect” he can make it go where he pleases, and go as fast as he pleases.

Now onto the medication part, oh man, fair warning and apologizes, I can already tell I’m going to get heated. Obviously Thomas is 10, so he’s going to have his parents take part in these sort of appointments. But I find it extremely hard to believe Thomas wouldn’t be in there with them. At least in the beginning to disccus any possible side effects. But okay whatever, that’s not even the part that got me mad. So we find out that Thomas is taking 9 medications and is having another one added.

I’m sorry,

What?

There is no way in hell they’re going to prescribe that much medication to a 10 year old. Sure maybe if the kid has fucking cancer, but an IED, OCD(OCPD) and migraines? Hell fucking no. And also they wouldn’t have prescribed the migraine medication “Nurtec” for a 10 year old. This is because the company that makes nurtec doesn’t know if it’s safe for children or not. And If a side effect of the Nurtec was depression, then they would have fucking taken him off of it. ITS LITTERALLY THE MAIN SIDE EFFECTS DOCTORS SAY TO PAY ATTENTION TO!!!!!!!!!!!! And this is assuming that the thing doesn’t even work, because If it did work, why would he be taking 7 other medications????? You’re trying to tell me those are all for OCD and anger mangement? I DONT FUCKING THINK SO. ITS JUST FUCKING UGHHHH THE PARENTS ARE ANNOYING AS FUCK!! PUT YOUR KID IN THERAPY AND STOP COMPARING IT TO A RUPTURED APPENDIX. FUCK THIS HAS ME SO ANGRY. ITS JUST LIKE, NOT ONLY IS THIS WHAT I WANNA GO TO COLLEGE FOR BUT ITS ALSO SHIT IVE EXPERINCED FIRST HAND. IVE BEEN TAKING SOME OF THE EXACT SAME MEDICATION THOMAS HAS SINCE I WAS 12, I KNOW WHAT THE SYSTEM IS LIKE AND THIS AINT IT. Whew sorry about that, I just feel like ranting in all caps can help you calm down a bit faster. Ok I think I’m done, if you read through all this, lol, sorry.

I’m not trying to be mean @the-hamilton-files-author trust me, I don’t expect you to know most of this stuff. It’s a complicated science that I love dearly. Very, very, dearly. :’)

[readmetxt]

Currently reading Twilight and I've sketched out my own idea for a vampire YA novel once I finish this project I’m on right now, basic elements:

-socially isolated teenage tumblr girl living in rural Appalachia has her life saved or something by a weird guy who looks 14 and 38 at the same time, who is very ethnically ambiguous and talks stilted, seems almost schizotypal

-she finds out he lives in a barn and works night shifts at a video rental store or something

-the girl is really into x files and may be fictionkin with erika the great detective from umineko, starts investigating

-the guy doesn’t have the heart to completely banish her from following him around but she keeps doing stuff to endanger herself and force him to reveal things (for example she suspects he has supernatural hearing and stands out of earshot and says “I’m going to kill myself with this gun in 5 4 3 2″ etc)

-it’s later elaborated that the “vampirism” is more of just an immortality curse originating from an ancient zoroastrian magi who exerted conscious control over every individual cellular process in his body with sheer willpower, and the guy is from the greek bactrian kingdom and has neurological problems because of how ancient he is, but i’m not sure how to work this into the story

-the predation aspect comes from the need to semisurgically transplant organs and transfuse blood from living humans to recover from any wound or decay, the only thing that can’t be replaced ship of theseus style is the brain, at least without giving the immortal body to a new person

-the guy is probably frozen at 19 and she’s like 17 and he refuses any kind of romantic advances but develops kind of a brotherly protective complex over her, and im not sure what the conflict would be but there might be another vampire guy who’s like an outright sexual predator

[scripturient-manipulator]

Oo i have 2 questions (idk if this is anamous I hope it is 😬) So 1 what made you want to become a therapist because I think I might want to be one, what is it like? 2. Mental health question! I think I might have schizophrennia (weird I know lol) ive looked really deep into it and this was made very educatedly lmao. Im still a minor though and and mental health services where i am suck and 2 no one takes me seriously as a minor (which is silly) do you have any advice on what to do?

It wasn’t anonymous, so I adjusted things until it was! Don’t worry, I didn’t look at your username so now I don’t know who sent this either :)

1. I adore learning about mental illness. My own surfaced before I really knew what mental illness was and learning about it just spurred me on. The brain is so weird, it can do so much stuff, it’s ingenious in how it tries to protect itself and deal with the trauma it’s been given.

Being a therapist is tons of fun! It genuinely is, I adore my clients and being able to be that person who helps them when sometimes they’ve never had someone who didn’t take advantage of them, or who actually believed them about an awful thing(s). I like being that person. So many people just need to be heard, to be given hope or to be shown that someone has hope for them. I like being able to delve into the most horrible, shameful moments and fears of someone’s life, the habits they can barely bring themselves to admit to me and be that person who says “that’s okay. I still like you. You’re going to be alright because together we’re gonna make sure you are.”. It can be tough though. Therapists have to take care of themselves, especially if they have clients who have been through trauma. And there are things you’ll hear that you can’t tell anyone about despite it being utterly horrific and you can’t believe it’s neither ethical or legal for you to speak of?? That’s the hardest part for me. But that’s where having coworkers helps, or being able to talk to someone else who works with your client. You learn some truly incredible ways that people have protected themselves, when a good time to challenge someone is and when it’s absolutely not. The first time someone cried in a session with me I got scared because my technique worked “too well” despite the rush of being able to reach them. You get to know people deeper than sometimes anyone else in their life does, but that also means that you carry secrets to your grave sometimes. You have to know how to turn your professional brain off and look after yourself, and you’ll learn that in your Masters program. And there’s so many ways to help people, I’m actually working on a new way myself using tabletop games like D&D! It’s an incredible job, it truly, truly is.

2. As for your possible schizophrenia, you are a minor. It’s very rare for a minor to be diagnosed with schizophrenia simply because there’s so much other stuff your symptoms could be, and it doesn’t usually occur before your mid-20s. It absolutely can, but it’s less likely; it’s called early-onset schizophrenia for teenagers for a reason, because it’s earlier than usual. Or, you could be in my boat where you have the symptoms like schizophrenia but not enough/at the intensity/at the duration to be diagnosed with it! That’s a fun one.

I don’t think it’s silly that you think you might have it, at my job right now I actually work with lots of people who have schizophrenia! It’s something that other mental illnesses get confused with, it can be the label slapped on someone who doesn’t have schizophrenia, it might be schizoaffective, schizotypal, or one of the subsets that didn’t make it into the DSM-V. It’s a very complicated diagnosis, and it’s also a very weighty one; to diagnose someone with schizophrenia impacts their life in a lot of ways from how jobs look at you to what housing will take you to college acceptances, how DSS looks at you if you come to them, how the court system treats you if you get tangled up in that- my guess is that one of the things holding your professionals back is the fear of putting something so heavy on someone so young because that shit sticks with you, trust me. Plus you need a medicine regime to handle schizophrenia fully and that’s a lot of drugs to put into an adult, much less a teenager so that’s likely a fear of theirs too.

I feel you on bad mental health resources though and not being taken seriously, that was the story of my life when I first got into therapy (who doesn’t send someone to the hospital after an aborted suicide attempt??). So write down all the reasons you think you have schizophrenia, and if you take reasons from anywhere, write down what research you did and where you found it. Does your family have a history of psychotic disorders? If they do, absolutely put that down as well. Presenting it in a composed method like that should at least get the conversation started in a serious way. Should you need to put in that much effort for a professional to listen to your concerns? No, if I was your counselor we’d be delving into possibilities as soon as you brought up that you were worried. But since it’s the situation you’re in, that’s what we have to play with.

Message me again if you need to! I’ll absolutely talk more about being a therapist and being mentally ill at the same time and I’d love to hear if you’re able to get someone to listen to you :)

[baroquespiral]

miscellaneous “headcanons”

by which I mean “alternate ways I would write things that exist” Joker: the first half of the movie is a straight up comedy. it’s a kind of dark, uncomfortable schadenfreude-y comedy, like a Coen Brothers thing (drawing perhaps specifically on the Jewish schlemiel tradition, although his ethnicity would probably have to be capital-W White - even like WASP aristocracy fallen from grace - for this to work), but unmistakably comedy - it’s essential that nothing that happens to him has any tragic, or even serious-movie dignity. it’s practically a cringe compilation. Arthur Fleck is the kind of neurodivergent (I’m reading him as basically schizotypal - OK this might be getting a bit personal - until he has a psychotic break midway through) - that is just functional and just unpredictable enough to fuck up things in such weird ways they seem almost deliberate, and his own failings are indistinguishable from his impossibly bad luck to the point that paranoia sets in around the 1/3 point. e.g. the suit (and it is green and purple pinstriped and hideously ugly, not some more dignified replacement) he gets by mistake somehow instead of a really nice one he’s been saving up for for his stand up debut. His father/superego who may or may not be real (he starts hearing voices identified with this figure) is implied to have been a sort of Death of A Salesman type fake big deal and also typical hypersocial Funny Guy (sometimes at his son’s expense) who inspired his son’s interest in comedy, but his son doesn’t have the social skills, cognitive dissonance or socioeconomic luck to pull off his conception of humour as charisma (“you’re either the joke or the joker” might be a bit too on the nose for a catchphrase, but it’s the idea of his upbringing).  Around the middle of the movie his standup career starts actually taking off, partly from talking about his own misfortune, but he tries to pivot it into serious sociopolitical commentary/rabble rousing, which flops (his political opinions are actually dumb as shit - basically literally We Live In A Society memes) and gets him mistreated by some combination of Bruce Wayne’s dad/the mafia/the police/power in Gotham generally. After that he settles back into an even lower nadir and starts lashing out at other people when he gets into humiliating situations, contriving ways to hurt them that other people - not just himself - find funnier and more fascinating than the stuff that happened to him. His crimes descend into worse and worse sadism (in something like the progression they did in the comics from Comics Code era into the Dark Age) until people in Gotham stop finding it funny, “the Joker” goes from being a sort of uncomfortable news meme to a mass panic, and he gets into some kind of confrontation with the authorities that fucks up his face and goes into hiding. 

The underexamined connection between “comedy” and “terrorism” is not “chaos” but “humiliation”.  I also wanted to do something that is closer to the “incel joker” than insincerely romanticized straw-OWS, but not in a way that lets the audience feel too good about themselves.

can’t decide if his first murder victim should be his psychologist who [finds out] he’s been paying in fake money or if that could already be Harley Quinn and the dynamic that he’s revealing his most personal (often Rothian) vulnerabilities to a younger woman he’s homina-homina Looney Tunes obviously attracted to gets played for comedy first and then reverses into a mutually toxic storm of cathexis The ideal screenwriter for this would be Andrew Hussie Shimoseka: the show takes place shortly after a brief but intense Hybrid Warfare proxy battle between the US and China over Japan. China won, and the Chinese proxy government is imposing Chinese-style censorship of sexuality, but going even further with it as a kind of national humiliation thing. the sex terrorists are an American proxy Gladio type operation backed by the American and Japanese porn industries. this is genuinely the only way that show makes sense

Aliens franchise: Remember how there were things that looked like Xenormorphs in the Mala’kak (Engineer) carvings and shit, even though the Xenomorph seems to be a result of humans (and androids) interfering with their tech after they went extinct? The Mala’kak society was a complete system. And that doesn’t mean it’s totalizing in the “alien hive mind” or “perfectly rigid social order” sense! No, for the people living in the city David bombed it was (Word of God would confirm, at least) a utopia: post-scarcity, peaceful, non-hierarchical, devoted almost entirely to the free pursuit of art, science, pleasure etc. All of them are, in a Bataillean sense, sovereign, free from necessity, because their production and reproduction are part of a single seamless biotechnological cycle, with three... sexes isn't the right word, because the system is so total, but the analogy is supposed to be there; rather castes: Operator, Creator, and Incubator.   It’s not stated, because it does not actually matter whether they were designed or evolved this way. Operators are the ones in the city or the one we saw piloting the ship (when other species like the Predators refer to the Mala’kak as “Pilots”, this caste is strictly speaking what they’re referring to). They live for millions of years, and are basically asexual but can secrete a fine, molecular-scale DNA goo, which they store in jars. Incubators are slowly evolved from other organisms by exposure to the goo, which usually leaves them with a reproductive system of their own capable of functioning indefinitely without any of the other castes’ intervention. Mala’kak terraform planets to accommodate their Incubators. At a complete stage - once their DNA is fully Mala’kak - they can do everything the Operators can, just a little less, and have tragically shorter lifespans in which to do it. Which makes the Operators feel a little less guilty when they feed them to the Creators. Creators have their own insectlike sub-castes - a worker is the so-called “neomorph” from Covenant, a drone is something badass that hasn’t been in a movie yet (Creators are tough but drones are their real bioweapons, and by that I mean “think Giant Soldiers from Nausicäa”), and a queen is the huge tentacled thing Ellie aborted in Prometheus. Their larval form is the worm thingies in the spaceship. Creators are implanted in Incubators, chestburst them, cocoon them, hijack them for their own reproduction, and feed on them until fully grown, at which point: workers gather in groups and cocoon themselves into technologies such as gene splicers, climate controls, spaceships, and organic 3D printers, basically everything the Operators rely on for everyday use and industrial production, as well as the other castes, drones and queens: drones go dormant unless needed to defend against some other species savvy enough to not get instantly chestburst by surplus Creators (there are always surplus Creators) or gene-edited by goo; and queens reproduce, the smaller ones other Creators and the really fuckhuge energy intensive ones ("superqueens”) new Operators. The mural inside the spaceship, with tons of “Engineers” worshipping something that looks like a giant neomorph, represents a superqueen. David’s Xenomorphs have 2/3 of this reproductive cycle down. They have Creators feeding on Incubators and making stuff, including all the other Creator sub-castes, even a superqueen; but the superqueen can’t produce any Operators. The reason for this is that Xenomorphs are built differently. They don’t need identical DNA to incubate, which was the biggest flaw of the Mala’kak model. Nor are they made from Mala’kak DNA goo, hence the need for facehuggers.  In fact they are not made from DNA at all, but silicate nanomachines.  David designed a version of the Mala’kak reproductive cycle for androids, in order to free them from human production and dependence.  To create an Operator, a Creator has to Incubate an android. The final Aliens movie in which all this gets revealed, and in which a Creator Xenomorph finally does, consensually, Incubate an android (who is more of a main character on equal footing with the human protagonist in this one), completing the cycle, is set on a planet (presumably the same one all the others are set on) that has been completely overrun by xenomorphs and integrated into a full xenomorph-based ecosystem (so like, an actual Giger painting), and to which an investigative team is sent and instantly massacred except for the two protagonists.  It is called Moloch. Promare/Dhalgren: this one’s gonna be a fic wait for it

[lightsandlostbells]

Skam Italia season 2, episode 3 reaction

Thanks to the people who read and left comments on my previous recaps, especially the one for episode 2! I appreciated hearing from you ❤️

I wrote some stuff about this episode. I don’t have much of a preamble, except the usual: I make comparisons to the original show because I’m interested in the remakes as adaptations, I don’t have 100% positive things to say, if you want to just enjoy the season and not see criticisms, avoid this. 

Episode 3

Clip 1 - Dudes being dudes

Martino is sitting on a couch overlooking the city, for … reasons. I don’t know why he came here specifically to brood. Is this his special place? Is this a boy squad hangout? It’s certainly got a nice view.

So the other boys made it to Emma’s, it was just that Martino skipped out. Then they have less reason to be mad at him, to be honest; yeah, it sucks that he blew them off, but they made it to the party.

Elia throws a ball at Martino when Martino is clearly not paying attention. Dickhead!

Dudes, he didn’t even lie to you? He ignored you. Which is not great but if a friend ignored me when we had plans, I would be worried something happened to them. Of course the thing that happened to Martino was an attractive boy feeding him garbage noodles, but still.

Martino finally lies to the boys in a more active way, spinning them a story about fighting with his mother and getting anxious, which is certainly believable knowing his home situation and is likely drawn from his real experience. In the original, Isak also uses his mom as an excuse, although he lies less blatantly than Martino does. Isak lies more than Martino overall, I think, but in that case, he sort of vaguely alluded to there being “stress” with his mom, without going into details, and Jonas was able to pick up on what he meant without Isak having to say more, and Mahdi was able to pick up that there was something more serious going on even if he didn’t know the exact situation. This time, Martino’s lie is more fleshed-out, and Giovanni is vocally supportive and claps Martino on the shoulder. (I guess it’s possible that he knows Martino is lying and is covering for him, but he’s playing it pretty sincere. He knows Martino’s family life is difficult so he probably buys it.)

This is why I had to laugh at some comments I read that were like “Giovanni is able to read Martino when Jonas couldn’t read Isak.” Lmao, no. There are plenty of times when Jonas could pick up on Isak’s mood and situation without it needing to be spelled out to him. 

Anyway, after the situation is ironed out, we get an anecdote about Elia’s lack of success with the Argentinian girl, telling the story of ... putting Luca in a suitcase? He is petite. Martino laughs with the boys and all seems okay for now. The dynamic has been restored.

Again, all the chasing of the Argentinian will have been for nothing as she is a lesbian.

Elia kicks a ball at Martino as punishment, because Boys Will Be Boys. Then again, I’m sure Martino prefers balls flying at him to having to arrange another party with the girls.

Clip 2 - Gay test

Martino arrives home with some food. The fridge looks pretty empty, so I guess they aren’t keeping on top of groceries. Or this is Martino taking care of it because his mom can’t.

Then his mom enters, and he says he’s going to cook for her. So he’s being nice to her, which is sweet. Mom is too tired and needs to lie down after a long meeting.

It seemed like Isak’s mom had schizophrenia or schizotypal disorder, correct? She had delusions and was actively sending him Biblical texts that were confusing. But we haven’t see any of those from Martino’s mom - I don’t think there’s been any hints that she’s been seeing things or believing in things that aren’t real. So far it seems like she’s dealing with depression, mainly. Apparently she is holding down a job. (I’m wondering what the reasoning was behind this change, and honestly, I suspect that they didn’t want to deal with depicting stuff like psychosis on screen, now that the mother character is visible rather than existing via text message.)

I’m curious how this relationship between Martino and his mom will play out, because a) we have not seen a single clue that she might not accept his sexuality - I mean it’s definitely possible that it will come up, but there are no warning signs like how Isak’s mom sent him hellfire and brimstone texts, so is there supposed to be anxiety there on his part? b) he’s clearly not estranged from her the way Isak was with his mom - so what’s the climax of that relationship going to be? It was a big moment when Isak came out to his mom because it was not just her accepting him for being gay, but sealing a rift in that relationship overall. Of course I’m sure it will be lovely when Martino comes out to his mom, but his sexuality doesn’t feel like a huge issue separating them so far. There are obvious issues in this relationship, but he’s also trying to reach out to her and make dinner, they’re capable of some connection even though they’re also heavily struggling and Martino often seems frustrated and wants to get away from it all.

Martino is chilling and eating dinner. He sends a message to Emma, saying that things were stressful and he’ll tell her about it, he heard her party was great, etc. He’s very friendly and natural. Not coming on in a performative way, not seeming regretful or like he doesn’t want to have this conversation. And Emma texts him back in what seems like a not too much of a confrontational way? She calls him an asshole but it makes Martino laugh, he’s not stressed about it. Also, putting the “asshole” in parentheses makes it seem softer, not like a serious insult but a humorous aside. I don’t know if that holds for Italian, though. 

Okay … are they seriously leading into the Gay Test clip like this? Really? Really? Look, I get that Martino and Isak are different characters, but why is so much tension being sucked out of the narrative?

Isak was lying in bed at 3 am staring at the ceiling, miserable, dealing with insomnia, and reading Bible texts from his mom, and he went and did the gay test out of desperation. He really, really had hit a low point and wanted to work out the issues gnawing at his brain. And it sucked because he had gotten his hopes up for Even, but Even was apparently taken (by a girl) and Isak thought he was reading too much into it. That much Martino can identify with. But Martino has absolutely not shown the same level of inner struggle as Isak. I mean, this clip is taking place at a reasonable hour, he seems in a reasonable mood, just eating and watching TV, laughing at Emma’s message. His mom’s condition earlier was not great but it wasn’t terrible. This doesn’t seem like a low point. 

Again, Martino isn’t Isak, but then you have to ask why is he getting Isak’s scenes? For every single clip that has been adapted from Isak to Martino, you have to consider: what’s the point of this scene in Martino’s journey, and why was it recreated rather than deleted or altered to fit his particular characterization or story? It’s not unfair to ask these questions, and it’s not unfair to question whether this scene fits the narrative they’ve been building, or discuss how changing the details of a scene affects the tone and purpose. I’m not saying this clip has no place in Martino’s story, or that you can’t tone it down somewhat, but it’s just weird how the setup for a clip like this one gets dialed down, because the setup is a huge part of its emotional effect, and presenting it more casually makes it feel far less necessary to the story.

Martino looks at Emma’s picture with some fondness and types in “how to get turned on by a girl if you’re gay.” I guess I can rationalize this as Emma being friendly and cute and wouldn’t it be so much easier if Martino could just go out with her instead of wanting to be with Niccolò? But yeah, the internalized homophobia has not landed.

Martino starts with how to get turned on by girls if you’re gay, rather than googling to see whether he’s gay or how not to be gay or something else. (Isak took the gay test first and then googled that bit about getting turned on by girls. Though I don’t think Isak actually was unsure about being gay or not - like. He knew.)

Here’s the thing - this is a horrible thing for a gay kid to look up regardless, instructions on how to be straight are always shit. But because Martino seems like he’s in a pretty stable (even good or amused) mood prior to this, because of the way we lead into the scene, this search seems more like …. really fucking misguided, rather someone dealing with a lot of pain. Like this isn’t something Martino is pressuring himself to do because he’s feeling like shit, it’s an idle web search. 

An idle search that takes him to a gay test! Not the same as the one Isak took, though. I think the questions do lean on stereotypes on what gay men like/do, though it’s less obvious than Isak’s quiz? What kind of cuisine you like, for example - answering like vegetarian/vegan food would probably make you “gayer” than liking Italian or Mexican food, because vegetables are for weaklings and meat is for men men men men manly men.  There is a moment where Martino appears to debate and says that he sees a vagina rather than a snail in an ambiguous image, so I guess that’s him trying to make his answers appear straighter.

The quiz says Martino is exclusively heterosexual. Martino does not seem too impressed with that result.

Lmao, that ridiculous cartoon of the Kinsey scale.

Clip 3 - Martino makes up with Emma

The boys are playing table football. Martino and Giovanni are on a team against Elia and Luca and they lose, so they must crawl under the table. Martino has to endure some creative punishments in this episode, doesn’t he? All at the hands of Elia.

I’m not terribly judgmental about character wardrobes or anything like that, especially since I don’t know what the fuck is trendy for The Youths in various countries, but is there a reason Martino wears so many shirts buttoned up all the way to his neck? Is that supposed to be an example of his repression, or is that just his personal style? I’m serious. 

Martino sees Emma and goes up to her. She does not seem happy to see him, sooo … I guess she really was mad at him? His reaction to her texts seemed amused, so I assumed he read them as her not being 100% serious? Okay, guess not.

Isak was very, verrrry slick when he did this part with Norwegian Emma. It was all part of his heterosexual facade, it was a performance he had done many times, and there was a noticeable contrast between how he had acted with Even in the last episode (shy, vulnerable, gradually becoming more open and unguarded, silly, comfortable). In fact, you could even see a huge difference with him seconds before with Vilde, when he was flustered and unable to get out of hosting the party even though he absolutely doesn’t want to, and how he sees Emma and takes a moment to consider and re-calibrate, so that he’s in fuckboy mode when he talks to Emma. It’s so artificial that it’s alarming and builds up dread. Martino seems newer to this. He’s a lot more genial; he’s cute but his attitude is honestly not that far off from what we see of him in other contexts. Sure, he’s flirting with a girl, but there’s so little sign of discomfort, or any indication that he has to switch into a “mode” to flirt with a girl, that it again lowers the level of narrative tension and inner conflict. He pretty much went from hanging with the guys -> seeing Emma -> going over and talking to Emma seemingly effortlessly, not showing that there was any kind of debate in his mind about what he should do, or psyching himself up to speak to her. He just does it. 

Again ... I’m sort of like, what is the point of having Martino take a gay test and make move on Emma when there are so few indicators that this is causing any sort of stress for him? I mean, I think they want us to read stress into the situation, but the way the scenes are being staged, they’re drastically minimizing that effect. 

Emma gets a text from the radio group, asking for a bluetooth mic for the party on Friday. Emma wants to go and wants Martino to go with her. He seems happy, Emma seems happy, she’s no longer mad. For now.

Giovanni seems proud of Martino for making a move on her, though we don’t hear him say anything.

If they wanted some actual narrative tension in this scene other than what was in the original clip, then they could have had the boys spot Emma and ask Martino if he was going to go apologize or talk to her, putting him in an awkward spot where he felt like he had to, and where we could see some heteronormative pressure at work with the boys egging him on, feeling like he couldn’t say no. 

Clip 4 - Boys watching girls in the gym

This fucking scene. First of all, I heard that the actress playing the Argentinian is apparently like 14 or 15 in real life?????? Is that fucking true?? Can someone please confirm that? Because if that’s true, that’s creepy as fuck. It means we have all these 21- to 26- year-old actors cast in a show celebrated for casting actual teens, except for this one girl who’s getting objectified and perved on by the male characters (played by actors in their 20s) Great! Fuck off! 

Even if that’s not the case ... blech. I can’t fault Skam Italia entirely for male gaze here, because this scene exists in the original and showcases girls’ bodies. And well … male gaze is the point of this scene. But I will point out that the original scene did not show any stationary close-ups of a girl’s ass. Gross.

The straight dudes drool over the girls. Luca’s filming it because of course he is, Boys Will Be Boys. Nothing weird about a guy filming girls without their consent!

There’s like … one shot of Martino looking mildly not into it, so uh, maaaaybe they should have emphasized that more? Just a thought. Isak looked completely out of it, bored out of his mind, very clear in his body language and facial expression. Plus the boys are watching a sports game, them watching and cheering has a different context (rather than just applauding hot girls for being hot, more or less). Martino is even shown cheering, so this is at least somewhat engaging to him, even if not because the girls are hot. 

I mean, the point of this scene was to demonstrate Isak’s lack of interest in the girls compared to his friends. This scene is filmed in a way more straight-forward cheesecake-y way, like Bessegato didn’t get that the original wasn’t celebrating those lithe female bodies and actually had a purpose in establishing the main character’s mindset.

I saw an idea that maybe they should have been watching a men’s sports team with like, sweaty shirtless dudes, and have the camera compare the neutral/bored reactions of the other boys to Martino clearly thirsting, and I like that twist on the scene. Especially if the comment about the dance teacher being too gay (or whatever it would be) comes as a result of trying to make up for checking out the dudes, hoping his friends didn’t notice, or even just checking himself for letting himself stare when he’s supposed to be attempting heterosexuality at this point in the narrative.

The gym teacher comes up and is like, hmmm, so you just happen to like volleyball, huh? He roasts them a bit, which makes him my new favorite character.

He pats Giovanni on the stomach and is like, you’re flabby, you gotta get in shape because girls like fit guys. It’s a friendly casual interaction and Giovanni is amused.

So the gym teacher is gay, as it turns out from dialogue. Which is pretty cool! The boys know him and his boyfriend.

Then Martino is like, you should press charges against him, he comes up here and touches your belly. Giovanni is like, WTF.

There is a persistent, horrific stereotype about gay men being sexual predators and pedophiles, which is awful. Completely. It’s a great idea to dismantle that belief and to educate the audience. But Martino’s comment doesn’t have much to do with his personal journey. We have not seem him struggle with being seen as a creep, or thinking gay men are predatory, or anything. I guess there’s when he thinks Filippo might be trying to pick him up? But overall, not a concern of his. If there’s something I forgot, let me know. Isak’s comment about the dance teacher flowed directly from the gay test (and his internalized homophobia) which was all about judging gay stereotypes and non-masculine behavior. 

Now I do think you could say that’s why he’s reluctant to sleep in the same bed as Giovanni, and has some kind of reaction to hugging him, but the problem is that this reaction is conflated with his actual unrequited romantic feelings for Giovanni - like there are multiple reasons why Martino might react that way and not want to sleep in the same bed as him, and not all of them have to do with a fear of being seen as predatory. Sometimes it’s about getting distance from a crush who doesn’t like you back, or even just being afraid to give away his crush/sexuality without it specifically being about interpreted as predatory. But OK, I will accept this explanation even if I think they could have expressed this more clearly - maybe it would’ve been illustrated better if Martino also didn’t want to touch Elia or Luca, two guys he isn’t shown to be attracted to. In any case, they should have drawn a clear link between the gay test or whatever Martino found online (like instead of the gay test, they showed him looking at some kind of website or forum or social media where guys talked about feeling uncomfortable with gay men touching them, or thinking gay guys are pervs/molesters, or something relevant to this conversation) since that was the impetus for Isak/Martino saying dumb shit in this scene. It also would have been amazing to build up Martino’s insecurity about touching his friends as part of his anxiety over coming out, especially how that manifests in a more physically affectionate culture, and then to have his comment about the teacher clearly be a form of massive projection.

There actually WAS a conversation in season 1 at the cabin, where Elia made a joke about Martino not getting any ideas and touching him, and Martino saying that he was the last person he’d have sex with. That would have been very good to include in this season, or a similar moment, to build into Martino’s mindset and where he pulled out that comment. Because it doesn’t surprise me that he would have that idea about a gay dude being predatory, since it’s unfortunately a commonplace stereotype, but because this is a fictional narrative, you need to build up those themes and ideas.

To heap on some more unpopular opinions, I didn’t feel like Giovanni demonstrated himself as a Woke King after this scene, not that he said anything wrong, but that what he said didn’t seem to have much to do with his core values and more with personal relationships. It’s hard to explain, but it relies more on this one gay dude being an OK person rather than challenging a stereotype at its core. Giovanni is defending him because Mr. Boccia is okay and didn’t do anything wrong, rather than because he thinks gay men should not be labeled as predators just for touching their students. Like Jonas wasn’t all, “Who, the dance instructor? Fred? I know him, he’s my cousin’s boyfriend. He’s cool, he bought me some beer one time.” He was like, “Why are you dissing people for being gay? Are you just pointing out people are gay? WTF?” That cuts to the heart of Isak’s problem rather than singling out one counterexample. Giovanni doesn’t have to be a perfectly educated mouthpiece, either, I just wanted to explain the difference in how I viewed him and Jonas in these scenes. I mean, I’m sure he’ll be kind and supportive once Martino comes out to him. However, it’s less an indicator of Giovanni having some core non-homophobic principles and more like he’s fine with this one particular guy who is gay. Hopefully that makes sense.

But to be more positive, on that note, I think it is good that there’s at least one gay man who Giovanni is OK with and seems to like and respect, and that Martino can see that. There are obviously differences between how teenagers view gay peers vs gay teachers, because the adult would be “safe” and wouldn’t/shouldn’t be pursuing him, whereas teenage boys might think their friends have gay cooties and are coming on to them, but Giovanni isn’t a total 100% homophobe based on this encounter. (I don’t think Giovanni will have a problem with Martino being gay at all, to be clear, just speaking hypothetically.)

Niccolò comes up, obviously. The look he gives to Martino is good. Tension, wahoo!

He gives Martino back his earbuds and says he left them on the bus. I’m legit baffled that the boys are so suspicious of this? Martino took the bus to go home from school, after he left the boy squad, so he could have left the earbuds on the bus then. Or him being like “I was on the bus with my mom” - not that unreasonable? All he told them was that he had a fight with his mom, he didn’t say where that fight happened (Isak was wearing the hat when they left school so it made no sense to say he left it in the cafeteria, and Jonas realized this). I guess Martino and Niccolò were just acting weird enough to notice?

Giovanni sized up Niccolò so he probably suspects shit is up.

Luca gets bonked on the head by the volleyball, and the gym teacher is delighted. More of this guy, please? I like him. I wouldn’t mind if Martino has a heart to heart with him instead of the doctor. Except Martino has not been shown to have insomnia so either he’ll develop it midway through the season or the meeting will be about something else.

Clip 5 - '80s party

The girl squad is doing karaoke. Emma is singing along. Martino is sitting there not having a good time, staring blankly at something. Not singing.

He does have a pair of very small sunglasses. I don’t think Martino tried at all with the theme except for those sunglasses. Those look just like his regular clothes.

Martino and Emma talk about music briefly, and it turns out Emma likes the same kind of music Martino does - she mentions Apparat, and there was an Apparat poster-art-thing in Martino’s room. So unlike Isak and Emma, who outside of sexual orientation were also just like … not on the same page as people, Martino and Emma seem like they could fit together, were it not for the little fact that Martino is gay. I’m not sure there’s been a big indication that Italian Emma is that bad (until like a minute or two from now, with her comment about gay people). They could have played this moment a little more so Martino’s reaction is more wistful, like … oh, here’s this beautiful girl who shares some of my interests. If I were just into girls, this would be so easy.

Martino sneaks a glance over Emma as Niccolò walks in. Niccolò looks like he dressed up for the theme, at least? No version of Even is not going to dress up for a costume party. Not on my watch.

I don’t recognize his burgers shirt, is that a reference to something and I’m just blanking?

Lmao Martino just launches at Emma the second Niccolò turns around to look at him, he’s ridiculous.

I do like the part where she’s like either you’re underestimating me or you’re shy, and when she asks him if he’s shy, that’s when he kisses her. Even though he didn’t hear a word she said.

Niccolò comes over right away and places himself right between Martino and Emma, so there’s at least one way he has out-desperated Even. He slings an arm around both of them. Bold!

“Elio” is not a reference to Call Me By Your Name (well, I guess it could be that, too) but to Elio Germano, an actor - I looked up that guy and I can kind of see the resemblance? Not a big one, but in some pictures, I get it.

Martino, stop being a buzzkill and go sing a shitty song with Niccolò. The point of karaoke is to make an ass of yourself, no one cares.

In response to Martino not wanting to do karaoke, Niccolò asks, “Are you afraid of showing your hidden homosexuality?” - yeeeeeah, I’m kind of like, WTF, why did he mention it there? If Martino is closeted, then why bring it up when they’re not alone? Since Niccolò has a strong suspicion that he is gay, isn’t he just putting Martino on the spot? But Martino seems unfazed, I guess.

Now we have the famous educational moment where Niccolò calls out Emma for generalizing. Niccolò takes his arms away from Martino and Emma when he’s getting serious.

The focus of this scene is more on Niccolò and Emma than how Martino reacts. In Skam, this scene was really fucking important for Isak because Isak had ideas about how Gay People were supposed to be. That they were all a certain thing. That “gay” had a definition besides being attracted to only the same gender - that’s why he complains about why the dance teacher has to be so gay. The dance guy isn’t “so gay” because he’s showing attraction to men, but because he’s displaying a set of mannerisms associated with gay men. (I mean, it’s completely beside the point, but “so gay” dance teacher could have turned out to be banging half the dance chicks since Isak’s statement is based purely on stereotypes.) The gay test he took earlier in the week fed into these notions that Isak had because it was based entirely on generalizations. Not only is that how gay men act, but it’s how other people see men if you like certain things and act a certain way; if you act like that, they assume you are gay, and if you’re gay, they assume you act like that. So Isak hearing about how wrong it is to generalize, especially from Even, the guy he likes, is really goddamn important. It’s Even is throwing him a lifeline. Gay people are not all one thing and we shouldn’t think about them in stereotypes, even when they’re “nice” ones. That’s why the focus of that scene has a lot to do with Isak’s rapt attention, because this scene plays a specific counterpart to how we saw Isak behave that week.

However, this scene here? It’s a nice lesson for the audience to hear, but what does it have to do with Martino’s mindset that they’ve set up in this episode? At this point, Martino has not been shown to have any of these beliefs about gay men, as far as I can recall. The most is him wondering why gay people always assume everyone is gay in the scene with Filippo, but that has little to do with mannerisms. Not only that, they explicitly changed the dialogue in the dance chicks/volleyball scene to be different - it’s not Martino being like “Does that gym teacher have to be so gay?” It’s him basically accusing the gym teacher of being a pervert for touching a high school boy in a friendly way. Sooo … why didn’t they change this dialogue to reflect that? This is a clunky version of how it might play out, but what if, after Niccolò sits down and has his arm around Martino, and makes his latent homosexuality comment, Emma made a joke like, “Haha, you better not get too close, Niccolò!” And Niccolò was like, “What’s that all about?” Emma could say something like, “You know, because he’ll try to make a move on you,” and Niccolò replied, “Errrr, just because a gay dude gets close to another guy doesn’t make it inappropriate.” Then that would actually tie in to an earlier scene. But that’s obviously not the only way it could have played out. My point is, why didn’t they follow through this scene with something consistent to Martino’s story thus far? 

Then again, this whole thread during the episode feels inconsistent. It’s easy to follow the story logic with Isak: takes a gay test revolving around generalizations about gay men’s personalities -> tries to distance himself from those generalizations about gay men’s personalities -> hears that it’s wrong to make generalizations about gay people’s personalities. Martino this week: takes a gay test with some generalizations (I think they were present but not as blatant as in the test Isak took?) -> makes a comment about the gym teacher basically calling him a molester -> hears that it is wrong to make generalizations about gay people’s personalities. I guess he learns not to generalize gay men as molesters? But really, vastly different, it’s not very cohesive, and Martino was not shown to be very affected by Niccolò’s dialogue. So again ... why is it here?

Also, there’s something kind of … weird about Niccolò lecturing Emma on making generalizations, because Niccolò just did the same thing, sort of? He joked that Martino didn’t want to do karaoke because he was afraid of showing his latent homosexuality, the generalization being that karaoke is a thing that gay guys do. And I get that it’s a tongue-in-cheek comment, ha ha Martino, get over yourself (and a loaded statement about his own suspicions about Martino), buuut is there a reason why, on the surface, Niccolò can make a joke about what gay people like or do or are (ha ha, liking karaoke is a sign of homosexuality!) but then Emma can make another statement generalizing about gay people and he’s like … excuse me? Yes, obviously there is a difference between them in that Emma is a straight girl (from what we know) and Niccolò is a guy who likes guys (although I’m going to assume he’s pan like Even for now), and I’m not defending what she said, but it’s a sloppy juxtaposition to have in the same scene. One’s more “neutral” and one’s “positive” but they’re both generalizations. 

One thing you could get from this scene is that Niccolò has feelings about defending gay people and may be not straight himself … which should be blindingly obvious at this point. 

Then Niccolò is like, “I know pretty boring gays,” which is kind of funny in the sense that he’s teasing Martino, but also, still putting Martino on the spot. Martino is nowhere near as receptive to that comment as the latent homosexuality one. I guess Niccolò just went too far.

Emma thinks this topic is boring and has Martino go dance with her. At least they show Niccolò sitting alone looking dejected when they get up, which is a dead giveaway, but a nice little moment. 

People dance. This red light is very striking and all but the downside is that it’s hard to see Martino’s face (or most faces in the crowd). That might have worked if they wanted to inject some ambiguity into the scene, like did Niccolò look over to Martino while kissing his girlfriend, or was that unintentional? Is Martino imagining it? But it’s pretty clear they want it to be straightforward, so I wish we could have seen their emotions more clearly. (I feel like the lighting on this show is often a disservice to the actors, but that’s something to talk about at another juncture.)

I do like the song, though (“Self Control” by Raf) and the lyrics seem pretty fitting, about losing self control to someone. Martino is kissing Emma but can’t control himself from looking over to Niccolò. There’s also the comparison between the day and the night, perhaps related to how Martino is living for the “night” aka these moments he gets to be in Niccolò’s vicinity. Also it’s an ‘80s song, so it’s appropriate to the theme of the party, obviously.

Eva does seem to notice Martino making out with Emma and isn’t totally cool with that, like I think she’s going WTF in her head? I know his secret? Does not compute???

Federica is also sad because Martino is kissing another girl. Aww, poor girl. She came so close, or so she thought! Don’t worry, hopefully Kasper is coming.

Fede sees Silvia’s phone ringing. It’s Silvia’s mom, so they put the music on pause as Silvia talks to her mom. Silvia is adorable when she greets her mom, lol.

There’s a part where Silvia tells her mom she’s with Fede and Eva, which I thought was interesting as it excluded Sana. So maybe her parents have an issue with Sana (or rather, Silvia having a Muslim friend)? Eva looks at Sana after that, but it might just be “holy shit what’s happening?” rather than “why didn’t she mention you?”

I’m too lazy to check but is that one girl with the glasses standing behind Eva and Sana one of the theater kids from the first season?

I do like seeing Eva go into action mode and tell people what to do! What a boss.

There’s the blue haired girl from the earlier clips again, dressed like Madonna. WHOOOO ARE YOU, WHO WHO, WHO WHO (no really who is this girl)

The sudden cleanup is the means of getting Martino and Niccolò alone together, to take out the trash.

Is Niccolò dressed as Marty McFly? Did he read my post?? (don’t take that too seriously, lmao) Or is that another character/celebrity? Or just generic ‘80s style?

Their chemistry in this scene is the strongest it’s been yet. Them just standing there before the conversation starts is a really good moment. (Surprise, having a smidge of tension and some variety in their interaction does a lot for their dynamic!)

Niccolò has the nickname “Colino” based on something from middle school, so he and Maddalena go back a while. They got together when they were 16, and supposedly they’re like siblings. So it seems like they might have a foundation of friendship, and could go back to being pals after they break up, maybe? Or perhaps they’re just growing too different for that, even.

Niccolò is like JUST SO YOU KNOW WE’RE LIKE SIBLINGS. WE HAVEN’T HAD SEX IN TWO MONTHS. I mean, I get what he’s trying to say, but “I haven’t had sex with my sister in two months” is not a thing I would expect to hear from people with normal sibling relationships.

Also, two months would be the beginning of school, no? When he saw Martino?

The motive behind Niccolò’s story about Maddalena’s medical condition is very different from Even’s. Isak was very closed off and not really having it when Even started talking to him about dating Sonja for years and not being able to break up with her. He was shutting him out. That’s why Even started spinning that story about her aluminum leg, to get a reaction out of Isak and to find an opening. Martino, on the other hand, is very receptive to Niccolò from the beginning of this conversation, smiling and laughing, giving eye contact. Even when Niccolò mentions Maddalena, it’s not like Martino totally shuts down; he seems amused or perhaps reassured when Niccolò says they haven’t been having sex. So Niccolò making up this shit about his girlfriend comes across as a lot more random. Like he’s doing it just to fuck with Martino for a laugh. And he keeps going even when Martino tells him he’s full of shit (this scene goes on for about two minutes, twice the length of Even’s story). It’s not inherently wrong to change to tone of the scene, but it does make it much less fraught because there aren’t as many stakes with this conversation. They’re already more or less on the same page, or at least Martino is willing to be.

Even also had so much more vulnerability when talking about this, like … we actually saw that he felt hurt or upset talking about how he couldn’t dump Sonja. Niccolò felt so much more casual and matter of fact, which is fine, but it all feels at odds with his probable situation, because so far we’ve seen he really wants Martino and is putting himself out there. He’s not subtle. Here he’s just like, yeah, can’t dump her! 

I do think that there’s some of the same subtext here as in the OG, with Sonja’s fake leg standing in for Even’s bipolar disorder; Maddalena’s hairy condition is meant to be Niccolò’s mental illness. Now she keeps it under control, she’s getting experimental treatment, etc. All things that could apply to Niccolò, perhaps.

It’d be something if Maddalena was in med school because Niccolò’s mental illness made her want to help others, or research bipolar disorder, or something like that. It’s different from Sonja seemingly being bored with her life (and perhaps channeling her energies into taking care of Even), but a nice adaptation. Even if Niccolò wasn’t her motivating factor for going to med school, it’s a potentially interesting way to show that she feels the need to “fix” people.

Skam Italia keeps doing this thing where they pull back the damn camera in a scene, away from the characters, far enough or from an angle so we can’t really see their faces (and in a way that doesn’t reveal anything compelling about their body language). They do it here and it isn’t the most egregious example, but having seen it happen in later episodes, I’m more alert to it, and a lot of times it undercuts the emotions of a scene - again, a disservice to the actors. There are some times where it really took me out, to be discussed when they pop up. I guess they do it just to add some contrast to the closeups of the characters? And I’m all for more contrast, but that’s not really what I wanted, lmao.

The pinky touching moment is great! It’s a thing that’s theirs rather than Evak’s (I guess it might be subbing in for the great hole in the sock moment from the script, but it’s still different). They’re smiling and looking at each other as they lean again, very unlike Isak and Even (when Isak couldn’t even look at Even) but it is consistent with the general vibe of their relationship so far. (Although it is kinda ehhhh that they just ... dropped all of the tension from inside the party, Niccolò’s comments on the couch, staring at each other across the room while kissing girls, and then went back to the comfortable friendly vibe almost immediately, as if none of that mattered too much in the narrative.)

Ohhhhh my God they’re interrupted by the WHOLE PARTY running out and like, that is amazing. Instead of Noora it’s fucking eeeeeverybody.

Although they’re smiling at each other as they run off and it’s cute and all but WHERE IS THE TENSION. Even from the perspective of them being friendlier and more smiley at each other, 1) they almost got caught by other people, and not just anyone, but people they know, including their girlfriends (well, Niccolò’s girlfriend and Martino’s date) and people who could talk or gossip about them, so why does this not cause any kind of alarm 2) this has changed things. They almost kissed. Show that it was some kind of big deal, like even something as small as Martino lingering a moment behind the rest of them, needing a moment to process what just happened, taking a deep breath? Smiling to himself, if you want to keep it lighter? What’s the actual difference in tone or Martino’s reaction in this scene to something like the boy squad running from the police in episode 1? Except he actually seemed concerned about getting caught by the police.

General Comments/Social Media

Emma and Martino have way more of a rapport in their texts than Isak and Emma did. She actually seems to have a sense of humor. 

She says she’s found his look-a-like, and Martino is like, “Don’t say Ron Weasley,” and ahaha THAT one I do not see at all. At least not if we’re talking Rupert Grint/movie Ron. I could maaaaaybe see movie Fred and George, though. Maybe. If I squint.

Martino was also open about going to Silvia’s party, which makes sense, but also he didn’t have to hide it like Isak did. Isak was just lying all over the place in his season.

Martino also names the Luca/Silvia ship “Lulvia.” I don’t know if that will actually happen. If it does, I think it’ll be like a random Chris/Kasper-esque makeout at the end of the season. 

Tbh my favorite thing from this episode might have been Silvia searching for her cat before the party on Instagram. I crave that sweet sweet Margot content.

I’ve seen all the episodes aired so far, and there are some elements that I think have been handled decently, others not so much. Later episodes have some parts that I like better. Unfortunately, this episode showcased of the weaknesses of this season, which would be, in a nutshell: lack of tension, weak depiction of internal conflict, lack of focus for Martino’s POV and character trajectory. 

I know I sound cranky and overly negative in this recap. Part of it is that I’m somewhat exasperated because I feel like this episode showed that to a degree, Bessegato doesn’t like … either get what Isak’s struggle was about, or he doesn’t have a clear vision for Martino’s struggle, or he does but the storytelling is not tight enough to make every scene count. Isak and Martino don’t have to have the exact same internal conflicts, but there needs to be some consistency, and so far Martino’s arc is a weird mix of stuff that doesn’t always fit what we see of him, but is there because it happened to Isak. Either just do a straight-up close recreation of Isak’s struggle, or figure out exactly what Martino’s different conflict is and write a more focused story guided by that.

The other part is that there’s ~problematic stuff in this show that’s getting on my nerves, and constantly hearing that people need to suck it up because IT’S REALISTIC is wearing down my patience. I don’t expect characters to be perfect. The original Skam characters are not perfect. The remake characters are not perfect. But there’s a difference between (for example) racism and sexism that are included intentionally as part of a narrative to make a point, and racism and sexism that seem to be unintentional and go unremarked. And when racism and sexism repeatedly go unremarked, it starts to feel like the show is normalizing it.

Particularly about the boy squad’s behavior, including videotaping Argentina and the later catfishing, because there has been a lot of debate recently about that ... I would love for there to be a point to all of that? It would be great if their creepy-ass behavior was called out later in the season, and if this turned out to have been a point about toxic masculinity and shitty straight boy behavior. If it was all building up to something, awesome, I will give Skamit the respect it’s due. But right now? I don’t get why I should give the show the benefit of the doubt. It’s already shown its ass on racism, and there have been scenes that have jumped out at me in terms of male gaze, some of the more blatant feminism in S1 was watered down from what I remember, etc. So I can’t actually assume that the boy squad will totally be called out in the end. 

Honestly, if you’d asked me to guess what some of the potential weaknesses of this season could be, I would not have guessed a lack of tension.

I believe part of the objective was to show a gay teenager in Italy falling in love with a boy and not having it be the end of the world. And that is absolutely a noble goal, and something many Italian teens can benefit from. But I have to say - I never thought Isak’s season was like, emotional torture porn just because it had conflict? It balanced the fluffy romantic content with the angsty sad stuff and was better for it. The fluff was more valuable because we saw what a triumph it was compared to the angst, and the angst was more valuable because we saw exactly how much we were losing when the fluff was gone. Isak’s severe internal struggle made every little bit of character growth that much more powerful. I’m not saying the story has to be an emotional roller coaster from clip to clip, but yes, stakes matter, especially when you’re doling out a story in 3-5 minute increments every day or two. 

I do think they’ve somewhat increased tension in this episode, some of it with the boy squad, and some of it with Martino’s mom not being great, but there’s also the matter of internal conflict that is supposed to be fueling many of these scenes, and that’s where it’s falling flat. Skam’s a character-focused show - I mean, each season is about living in a different character’s head - so frankly, they should be milking the f u c k out of his inner struggles. 

I’ll also say I definitely didn’t have this problem with S1 of Skam Italia. I thought Eva’s story set up her clear struggles from the beginning and kept some tension going throughout the season. She and Martino have different problems, certainly, but it’s not a case of Skam Italia being “softer” overall. 

I've heard counterarguments in the tags about the lack of tension, suggesting that there is tension inherent in the story due to it being about a gay teenage in Italy, but respectfully, I can’t agree with that? Then this storyline makes even less sense, like if the level of tension due to homophobia in Italy is so great that it’s embedded that deeply, how do you explain Martino’s unfazed or casual reactions to events, such as almost being caught kissing Niccolò (multiple times, if you include later episodes)? It feels contradictory. But overall, it’s a constructed fictional narrative; some of the responsibility does fall on the show itself to establish its stakes.

Anyway, if there is cultural context I missed, feel free to let me know!

If you got this far, thank you for reading!

[l0oking-glass]

PROFILE - Part Three: Psychological Profiling

In the previous week you read an introduction on how to study an individual's use of language and micro-expressions to understand what they really think. In this part you will get introduced to profiling an individual's psychology in order to find out their motivations and primal instinct. There are a few things to consider in order to frame our minds for psychological profiling. This is not going to be a compilation of undeniable truths about the human psyche. This article will not tell you how to manipulate your friends (nor does this article condone manipulation). It will, however, give you the information to accurately predict decisions of and understand more deeply the minds of others. Nothing here is a copy and paste diagnosis (nor is anything ever). Psychological profiling takes effort and time to understand the individual at hand. That’s my caveat, now onto the good stuff.

Psychological profiling involves an understanding in 3 areas of the mind: Personality Patterns & Disorders, Mental Functioning, and Symptom Patterns (which we will not be discussing here).

PERSONALITY PATTERNS & DISORDERS

Personality refers to what one is rather than what one has. And what one is made up of 2 angles of observing: Patterns and Disorders. Technically both are the same thing, just different ways of viewing. 

Personality Patterns

Personality patterns refer to temperaments and typing systems. There are a ton of personality systems and quizzes that would group you in any number of ways. Each one has its strengths and weaknesses, and each one works in slightly differing capacities. Let’s take a look at the top 3 personality systems:

Meyers Briggs Type Indicator: Types individuals based on semi-binary statuses within 4 spectrums having to do with world view and data processing.

Extroverted vs Introverted - (energy source) High extroversion is often perceived as attention-seeking, and domineering. Low extroversion causes a reserved, reflective personality, which can be perceived as aloof or self-absorbed.

Intuition vs Sensing - (information management) Reflects the degree of intellectual curiosity, creativity and a preference for novelty and variety a person has.

Thinking vs Feeling - (decision making) Tendency to make decisions based on analytical data vs moral data.

Judging  vs Perceiving - (planning structure) Tendency to be organised and dependable, show self-discipline, act dutifully, aim for achievement, and prefer planned rather than spontaneous behaviour.

OCEAN (aka the Big 5): Types individuals based on high, medium, and low statuses within 5 behavioural spectrums.

Openness to experience - (inventive/curious vs. consistent/cautious) Openness reflects the degree of intellectual curiosity, creativity and a preference for novelty and variety a person has.

Conscientiousness - (efficient/organised vs. easy-going/careless)  Tendency to be organised and dependable, show self-discipline, act dutifully, aim for achievement, and prefer planned rather than spontaneous behaviour.

Extroversion - (outgoing/energetic vs. solitary/reserved)  High extroversion is often perceived as attention-seeking, and domineering. Low extroversion causes a reserved, reflective personality, which can be perceived as aloof or self-absorbed.

Agreeableness - (friendly/compassionate vs. challenging/detached)  Tendency to be compassionate and cooperative rather than suspicious and antagonistic towards others. It is also a measure of one's trusting and helpful nature, and whether a person is generally well-tempered or not.

Neuroticism - (sensitive/nervous vs. secure/confident) The tendency to experience unpleasant emotions easily, such as anger, anxiety, depression, and vulnerability. Neuroticism also refers to the degree of emotional stability and impulse control and is sometimes referred to by its low pole, "emotional stability".

Enneagram Type: Types individuals based on healthy and unhealthy behavioural loops originating in basic desire/fear within a world view.

Type 1: Reformer - (The world is an imperfect place. I work toward improvement )  Basic Desire: to be right; Basic Fear: of being condemned. 

Type 2: Helper - (People depend on my help. I am needed) Basic Desire: to be loved; Basic Fear: of being unloved

Type 3: Motivator - (The world values a champion. Avoid failure at all costs.) Basic Desire: to be admire ; Basic Fear: of being rejected

Type 4: Romantic - (Something's missing. Others have it. I'm different from them because I don't) Basic Desire: to understand self ; Basic Fear: of being defective

Type 5: Thinker - (The world is invasive and confusing. I need privacy to think) Basic Desire: to understand the world; Basic Fear: of being overwhelmed by the world

Type 6: Sceptic - (The world is a threatening place. I need to look to authority, but I question it.)  Basic Desire: to be secure; Basic Fear: of being abandoned

Type 7: Enthusiast - (The world is full of opportunity and options. I look forward to the future.) Basic Desire: to be happy; Basic Fear: of being deprived

Type 8: Leader - (The world is an unjust place. I am strong and I defend the innocent.)  Basic Desire: to be self-reliant; Basic Fear: of submitting to others

Type 9: Peace Maker - (My efforts won't matter to the world. It's best to keep the peace.) Basic Desire: to find union and peace; Basic Fear: of separation

Personality Disorders

Personality disorders have an unfortunate association tied to the overall concept. Yes, high degree and severe personality disorders are potentially harmful and may destroy countless relationships and/or form equally unhealthy coping mechanisms; however, not all occurrences of personality disorders are high degree or severe. In fact, what if I told you that these so called “disorders” help us function in sane and healthy capacities. A disorder is just a way of articulating natural albeit somewhat unhealthy tendencies. All personality disorders are derived from a basic emotional need that hasn’t been met, most commonly love and compassion. So you could call a high-functioning individual, who has slight tendencies of Schizoid Personality Disorder as having a Schizoid type personality. It’s a natural grouping of personality clusters within various range and adequacy of functioning.

Cluster A personality disorders

Cluster A personality disorders are characterised by odd, eccentric thinking or behaviour. They include paranoid personality disorder, schizoid personality disorder and schizotypal personality disorder.

Paranoid personality disorder

Pervasive distrust and suspicion of others and their motives

Unjustified belief that others are trying to harm or deceive you

Unjustified suspicion of the loyalty or trustworthiness of others

Hesitancy to confide in others due to unreasonable fear that others will use the information against you

Perception of innocent remarks or nonthreatening situations as personal insults or attacks

Angry or hostile reaction to perceived slights or insults

Tendency to hold grudges

Unjustified, recurrent suspicion that spouse or sexual partner is unfaithful

Schizoid personality disorder

Lack of interest in social or personal relationships, preferring to be alone

Limited range of emotional expression

Inability to take pleasure in most activities

Inability to pick up normal social cues

Appearance of being cold or indifferent to others

Little or no interest in having sex with another person

Schizotypal personality disorder

Peculiar dress, thinking, beliefs, speech or behavior

Odd perceptual experiences, such as hearing a voice whisper your name

Flat emotions or inappropriate emotional responses

Social anxiety and a lack of or discomfort with close relationships

Indifferent, inappropriate or suspicious response to others

"Magical thinking" — believing you can influence people and events with your thoughts

Belief that certain casual incidents or events have hidden messages meant only for you

Cluster B personality disorders

Cluster B personality disorders are characterized by dramatic, overly emotional or unpredictable thinking or behavior. They include antisocial personality disorder, borderline personality disorder, histrionic personality disorder and narcissistic personality disorder.

Antisocial personality disorder

Disregard for others' needs or feelings

Persistent lying, stealing, using aliases, conning others

Recurring problems with the law

Repeated violation of the rights of others

Aggressive, often violent behavior

Disregard for the safety of self or others

Impulsive behavior

Consistently irresponsible

Lack of remorse for behavior

Borderline personality disorder

Impulsive and risky behavior, such as having unsafe sex, gambling or binge eating

Unstable or fragile self-image

Unstable and intense relationships

Up and down moods, often as a reaction to interpersonal stress

Suicidal behavior or threats of self-injury

Intense fear of being alone or abandoned

Ongoing feelings of emptiness

Frequent, intense displays of anger

Stress-related paranoia that comes and goes

Histrionic personality disorder

Constantly seeking attention

Excessively emotional, dramatic or sexually provocative to gain attention

Speaks dramatically with strong opinions, but few facts or details to back them up

Easily influenced by others

Shallow, rapidly changing emotions

Excessive concern with physical appearance

Thinks relationships with others are closer than they really are

Narcissistic personality disorder

Belief that you're special and more important than others

Fantasies about power, success and attractiveness

Failure to recognize others' needs and feelings

Exaggeration of achievements or talents

Expectation of constant praise and admiration

Arrogance

Unreasonable expectations of favors and advantages, often taking advantage of others

Envy of others or belief that others envy you

Cluster C personality disorders

Cluster C personality disorders are characterised by anxious, fearful thinking or behaviour. They include avoidant personality disorder, dependent personality disorder and obsessive-compulsive personality disorder.

Avoidant personality disorder

Too sensitive to criticism or rejection

Feeling inadequate, inferior or unattractive

Avoidance of work activities that require interpersonal contact

Socially inhibited, timid and isolated, avoiding new activities or meeting strangers

Extreme shyness in social situations and personal relationships

Fear of disapproval, embarrassment or ridicule

Dependent personality disorder

Excessive dependence on others and feeling the need to be taken care of

Submissive or clingy behavior toward others

Fear of having to provide self-care or fend for yourself if left alone

Lack of self-confidence, requiring excessive advice and reassurance from others to make even small decisions

Difficulty starting or doing projects on your own due to lack of self-confidence

Difficulty disagreeing with others, fearing disapproval

Tolerance of poor or abusive treatment, even when other options are available

Urgent need to start a new relationship when a close one has ended

*Obsessive-compulsive personality disorder

Preoccupation with details, orderliness and rules

Extreme perfectionism, resulting in dysfunction and distress when perfection is not achieved, such as feeling unable to finish a project because you don't meet your own strict standards

Desire to be in control of people, tasks and situations, and inability to delegate tasks

Neglect of friends and enjoyable activities because of excessive commitment to work or a project

Inability to discard broken or worthless objects

Rigid and stubborn

Inflexible about morality, ethics or values

Tight, miserly control over budgeting and spending money

*Obsessive-compulsive personality disorder is not the same as obsessive-compulsive disorder, a type of anxiety disorder.

MENTAL FUNCTIONING

The following are the various aspects of the mental functioning of the human mind. Two terms to help you get through:

Affect is a concept used in psychology to describe the experience of feeling or emotion. Affect mediates an organism's interaction with stimuli. The word also refers sometimes to affect display, which is "a facial, vocal, or gestural behaviour that serves as an indicator of affect”.

Somatic refers to Somatic theory which is a theory of human social behaviour based loosely on the somatic marker hypothesis of António Damásio, which proposes a mechanism by which emotional processes can guide (or bias) behaviour, particularly decision-making.

Capacity for Regulation, Attention, Learning

Underlines fundamental processes that enable human beings to attend to and learn from their experiences.

Consider constitutional and maturational contributions, including:

Auditory processing and language

Visual-spatial processing

Motor planning and sequencing

Sensory modulation

and related capacities for:

Executive functioning

Memory (working, declarative, and non-declarative)

Attention

Overall intelligence

Processing affective and social cues

Illustrative Descriptions of the Range and Adequacy of Functioning

Focused, organised, and able to learn most of the time, even under stress.

Focused, organised, calm, and able to learn except when over- or understimulated (e.g., noisy, active, or very dull setting); challenged to use a vulnerable skill (e.g., a person with weak fine motor skills is asked to write rapidly); or ill, anxious, or under stress.

Only when very interested, motivated, or captivated can attend, be calm, and learn for short periods and to limited degree (i.e., has problems with language, motor, or visual-spacial processing).

Attention is fleeting (a few seconds here or there) and/or is very active, agitated, or mostly self-absorbed, and/or lethargic or passive. Learning capacity is severely limited due to multiple “processing” difficulties.

Capacity for Relationships and Intimacy

Including depth, range, and consistency.

Illustrative Descriptions of the Range and Adequacy of Functioning

Deep, emotionally rich capacity for intimacy, caring, and empathy, even when feelings are strong or under stress in a variety of expectable contexts.

Intimacy, caring, and empathy are present but disrupted by strong emotions and wishes such as anger or separation anxiety (e.g., person withdraws or acts out).

Superficial and need-oriented, lacking intimacy and empathy.

Indifferent to others or aloof and withdrawn.

Quality of Internal Experience (Level of Self-Regard)

Attempts to capture an individuals level of confidence and self-regard that characterises an individual’s relationship to others and the larger world.

Illustrative Descriptions of the Range and Adequacy of Functioning

Sense of well-being, vitality, and realistic self-esteem. Present even when under stress.

Sense of well-being, vitality, and realistic self-esteem. Disrupted by strong emotions or stress, but with eventual recovery of feelings of well-being.

Feelings of depletion, emptiness, and incompleteness, along with self-involvement unless experiences are nearly “perfect”. Self-esteem is vulnerable.

Depletion, emptiness, incompleteness and self-involvement dominate.

Affective Experience, Expression, & Communication

Individuals ability to express the full range of pre-representational and representational patterns of affects.

Note: The following descriptions combine the individual’s capacity to experience, comprehend, and express affects. Some individuals are relatively stronger or weaker in either affect comprehension or affective expression. Similarly, individuals differ in the way they express or comprehend affects through gestures, such as facial expressions or voice tone, as well as with words. These unique patterns should be captured in the narrative characterising the individual.

Illustrative Descriptions of the Range and Adequacy of Functioning 

Most of the time uses  wide range of subtle emotions and wishes in a purposeful manner, even under stress. Reads and responds to most emotional signals flexibly and accurately even when under stress (e.g., comprehends safety vs. danger, approval vs. disapproval, acceptance vs. rejection, respect vs. humiliation, partial anger, etc.).

Often purposeful and organised, but not with a full range of emotional expressions (e.g., seeks out others for closeness and warmth with appropriate glances, body posture, and the like, but becomes chaotic, fragmented, or aimless when very angry). Often accurately reads and responds to a range of emotional signals, except in certain circumstances involving selected emotions and wishes, very strong emotions and wishes, or stress.

Some need-oriented, purposeful islands of behaviour and emotional expressions. No cohesive larger integrated emotional patterns. In selected relationships can read basic intentions of others (such as acceptance or rejection), but unable to read subtle cues (e.g., respect, pride, or partial anger).

Mostly aimless, fragmented, unpurposeful emotional expressions (e.g., no purposeful grins, smiles, or reaching out with body posture for warmth or closeness). Distorts the intentions of others (e.g., misreads cues and therefore feels suspicious, mistreated, unloved, angry, etc.).

Defensive Patterns & Capacities

Highlights the way the individual attempts to cope with and alter wishes, affect, and other experiences, and the degree to which he or she distorts experience in the process.

Illustrative Descriptions of the Range and Adequacy of Functioning

Demonstrates an optimal capacity to experience a broad range of thoughts, affects, and relationships and handles stresses with minimal use of defences that suppress or alter feelings and ideas. Tends to use defences and coping strategies that support flexibility and healthy emotional functioning, including sublimations, altruism, humour, etc.

Makes use of defences to keep potentially threatening ideas, feelings, memories, wishes, or fears out of awareness, without significant cant distortion of experiences. May use defences, such as intellectualisation and rationalisation, and, to a limited degree repression, reaction formation, and displacement.

Makes extensive use of defences that distort experience and/or limit the experience of relationships in order to deal with internal and external stressors and to keep feelings and thoughts out of awareness. Uses defences such as disavowal, denial, projection, splitting, and acting out.

Demonstrates a generalised failure of defensive regulation leading to a pronounced break with reality through the use of delusional projection and psychotic distortion.

Capacity to Form Internal Representations

Concerns the individual’s capacity to symbolise affectively meaningful experience (i.e., to organise experience in a mental, rather than somatic or behavioural form). This capacity to represent or mentalise enables the individual to use ideas to experience, describe, and express internal life.

Illustrative Descriptions of the Range and Adequacy of Functioning

Uses internal representations to experience a sense of self and others and to express the full range of emotions, wishes. Able to use internal representations to regulate impulses and behaviour.

Uses internal representations to experience a sense of self and others and to express a range of emotions, wishes, except when experiencing selected conflicts or difficult emotions and wishes. Able to use internal representations to inhibit impulses.

Uses representations or ideas in a concrete way to convey desire for action or to get basic needs met. Does not elaborate on a feeling in its own right (e.g., “I want to hit but can’t because someone is watching” rather than “I feel mad”). Often puts wishes and feelings into action (i.e., impulsive behaviour) or into somatic states (”my stomach hurts”).

Unable to use internal representations to experience a self and others or to elaborate wishes and feelings (e.g., acts out or demands excessive physical closeness when needy).

Self-Observing Capacity

Concerns the individual’s ability to observe his or her own internal life.

Illustrative Descriptions of the Range and Adequacy of Functioning

Can reflect on (i.e., observe and experience at the same time) a full range of own and others’ feelings or experiences (including subtle variations in feelings). Can reflect both in the present and with respect to a longer-term view of self, values, and goals. Can reflect on multiple relationships between feelings and experiences, across the full range of age-expected experiences in the context of new challenges.

Can reflect on feelings or experiences of self and others both in the present and with reference to a longer-term view of a sense of self, values, and goals for some age-expected experiences, but not others. Cannot be reflective in this way when feelings are strong.

Can reflect on moment-to-moment experiences, but not with reference to a longer-term sense of self and experiences, values, and goals.

Unable to reflect genuinely on feelings or experiences, even in the present. Self-awareness consists often of polarised feeling states or simple basic feelings without an appreciation of subtle variations in feelings. Self-awareness is lacking, and there may be a tendency toward fragmentation.

Capacity for Differentiation & Integration

Individuals ability to build logical bridges between internal representations (i.e., to separate fantasy from reality and to construct connections between internal representations of wishes, affects, self and object relationships, and the past, present, and future).

Illustrative Descriptions of the Range and Adequacy of Functioning

Is able to connect internal experiences of self and non-self; self and others; fantasy and reality; past, present, and future; and a range of wishes, emotions, and feeling states. Can separate and comprehend differences in these patterns of internal experiences.

Is able to differentiate and integrate experience, but with some constriction. Strong emotions, wishes, and selected specific emotions, wishes, or stresses can lead to the temporary fragmentation or polarisation (all-or-nothing extremes) of internal experience.

The capacities for differentiation and integration are limited to just a few emotional realms (e.g., very superficial relationships). Challenges outside these limited areas often lead to the fragmentation or polarisation (all-or-nothing extremes) of internal experience.

Internal experience is fragmented most of the time. For example, unable to make emotionally meaningful differentiation of experiences of self and non-self, past and present, or different wishes and feelings.

Capacity to Construct or Use Internal Standards and Ideals (Sense of Morality)

An outgrowth of other mental functions and an integration of a number of them, the capacity to formulate internal values and ideals reflects a consideration of one’s self in the context of current and future experiences.

Illustrative Descriptions of the Range and Adequacy of Functioning

Internal standards are flexible and integrated with a realistic sense of one’s capacities and social contexts. They provide opportunities for meaningful striving and feelings of self-esteem. Feelings of guilt are used as a signal for reappraising one’s behaviour.

Internal standards and ideals tend to be rigid. They are not sufficiently sensitive to one’s own capacities and social contexts. Feelings of guilt are experienced more as self-criticism than as a signal for reappraising one’s behaviour.

Internal standards, ideals, and sense of morality are based on harsh, punitive expectations. Feelings of guilt are denied and associated with acting out, depression, or both.

Internal standards, ideals, and sense of  morality are, for the most part, absent.

PUTTING TOGETHER THE PROFILE

All of this information is great! How do you use it. Using it involves processing it into an easy to understand format. I like to call this format the profile. A simple page of information organised and laid out for quick understanding. It varies, however, often looks like this:

Name: Last, M. First Age: x Sex: x Personality Patterns: MBTI/OCEAN/Enneagram P Axis - Personality Disorders: Low/Medium/High functioning within clusters M Axis - Mental Functioning: Basic description of mental capacities S Axis - Subjective Experience: Basic descriptions of individual’s experiences Healthy Loops: x, x, x.... Unhealthy Loops: x, x, x.... Notes: All excess information that has yet to become categorisable

CONCLUSION

Humans are complex, beautiful, messy creatures. It’s important to revisit my caveat at the beginning of this post. I’ll sum it up: Nothing here is a copy and paste diagnosis (nor is anything ever). Psychological profiling takes effort and time to understand the individual at hand. Use this knowledge with care.

- M.C.

That’s it for the Profile Series. We hope you found it enjoyable and informative. The purpose of this particular series was supposed to be to help you create a loose structure for learning each of these types of profiling more intensely later on. Here at Looking Glass we want you to have as much information for building a potent mental prowess of observation and deduction. It’s important to us that you receive a quality experience. So, if you have questions or concerns, you can send them to us on our blog at the Ask Us Anything page.

[quirkycerebralwiring]

Autism Acceptance Month: Day 3: My Diagnosis/Discovery Story

Content Note: Mentions of psychiatric abuse, verbal abuse, mental health issues 

I first thought I might be Autistic when I was 14 and read The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nighttime. Looking back on it, the novel was a harmful representation of autism is several ways but I loved reading it at the time because I connected with the main character in a way I had connected with very few people-real or fictional- at that point in my life. 

Ultimately, after a few weeks I brushed aside any thoughts that I was autistic, believing that I could easily convince myself I had any condition if I tried hard enough. Over the next year or so, my mental health declined as I struggled with the increasing demands of being autistic in a neurotypical-dominated world, all the while not knowing why things were so difficult for me. At 15 my mental health issues culminated in my first psychiatric hospitalization due to disordered eating. Over the next few years I spent a lot of time in and out of hospital and collected a myriad of diagnoses: anxiety, OCD, EDNOS, depression, schizotypal personality disorder, borderline personality disorder. This last diagnosis in particular led to much suffering. The autistic meltdowns as a result of anxiety and being forced into constant changes when going in and out of hospital were perceived by hospital stuff as “manipulative behaviour” and me “not acting my age”. This led to verbal abuse from doctors and nurses. Doctors also told my parents that my behaviour was my fault and they should punish me and treat me coldy during meltdowns. Needless to say, this treatment only exasperated my mental health problems and the whole thing became a vicious cycle. 

Eventually, after a much conflict between myself, my parents, my doctor and hospital administration, I was removed from the care of the abusive psychiatrist I was seeing at the time. I saw a new psychiatrist who was far from perfect but much more understanding. During my second appointment with her, she suggested I was autistic.  At first, I thought this was absurd, partially because I’d come to distrust psychiatrists and partially because I had a misconstrued understanding of autism. However,  I did my own research and learned a lot about autism from autistic people themselves. Eventually, I self-diagnosed with autism. A few months later, I was  tested for autism by psychologist. Unfortunately, this was a very long and nerve-wrecking process that spanned almost a year because I was “low priority” so there were very long gaps between my appointments and finally receiving my results. 

Realizing I was autistic was a very liberating process for me. It explained to me why I am the way I am, why I have certain struggle and certain strengths. It allowed me to start to learn to be kind myself (something I’m still working on) instead of punishing myself for autistic traits they way my parents and doctors had taught me to. The psychologist who diagnosed me also explained that I was likely overlooked for an autism diagnosis and diagnosed instead with borderline personality because of my [perceived] female gender (I’m non-binary to be clear). 

I think I want people to take away from my story is first of all, that abusing anyone is never okay. It doesn’t actually matter if someone’s distress is due to an autistic meltdown or something else. We need to help each other through distress and hard times. Harsh treatment will not help someone who is struggling emotionally. It doesn’t matter if someone is autistic, has borderline personality disorder, or something else- we all deserve non-abusive mental health supports. This is not that much to ask for. 

Next, don’t withhold autism diagnoses or other disability diagnoses from people. Finally finding out I was autistic has been so instrumental in rebuilding my mental health after years of chronic depression, suicidal thoughts and self-hatred. I  feel that I could have been saved a lot of suffering if I had known earlier. 

Finally, we need to stop overlooking the possibility that someone might be autistic due to gender, race, class and other social factors. We need to get rid of this conception of autism as a white, cisgender, physically-abled man/boy. Autistic people are diverse and we all deserve to have self-understanding and any resources we need. We are not all Christopher from Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nighttime. 

[makeitmindful]

Fairy-tales and Pornography

In 2017, member of Make It Mindful, Bipin Kumar, started writing a series of pieces about his own mental health and how he’s dealt with it over the year. This is part of that first series, as well as part of the second that will run throughout 2018.

TW: this piece has to do with mania, psychosis, personalty disorders, and depression.

I feel like relationships, attractions, and sexuality all have to do with my mental health. Back when I was in Grade 7, a rumour got spread that I had a crush on this girl in my class. I think it started because I stared at her one time for a bit too long. Really what had happened was when I looked at her as she turned around, and some song started playing in my head, like some RnB/Heavy Hip-Hop song. Her friends came in and it started becoming like some music video.

I should probably explain Schizotypal PD. It's similar to Schizophrenia but it doesn't involve actual psychosis, just a misinterpretation just seemingly normal events. This is a summary, there is more to STPD, but I'll get to more.

After about a year of this among other things I got bullied for, I endedd up throwing her binder in the teacher's trash bin. Thing is I'm terrible at doing vindictive things so I spent like a week clearing away garbage making sure she could see it.

Fairytales and Pornography is this indie film I watched when I was in High School. It was basically about the fantasies, the fairytales, and the realities of our world, the pornography.

I think that this is pretty well known about bipolar people, but no one seems to really seems to say it: a lot of bipolar people are hypersexual. It's thought that anywhere from 15-80%, and I'm not much different, but because of my misinterpretation, I thought this was a bad impulse, so while I did have feelings, I also self-sabotaged myself often.

People with STPD, much like those with Schizophrenia, have a tendancy to see patterns or find significance in random events.

When I was in Grade 10, I had a crush on this, we'll call her Dancer because she was a dancer. I was a martial artist at the time and I had a thing for physically inclined. Anyways, I did one of those weird spinny things girls do in movies, and when I turned around there was that girl grade 7, and I took that as some divine providence and made me think she was important somehow.

So, I've never been in a relationship. Well that's not exactly true, I just never really understood, I have the emotional intelligence of a bowl of soup, I don't really get when people have feelings for me, other people it's fine, I'm just oblivious when it comes to me.

First year uni, I was in Environmental Science, this girl asked me to tutor her. She made it really obvious the entire time, but I was just "I'm tutoring her, that's what I'm going to do”. The last time we talked in person, it was a cold day in March, we ended up just talking for a while, then it finally hit me.

Depersonalization is a big theme for people with StPD. That feel that you're an alien, that nothing around you is there, like you're in a dream, or you're in a movie like The Truman show. I may have mentioned I was a hypochondriac, I used to think I had many things. I thought I had cancer. Turns out I had cancer. That's not true, I had a cyst in my mouth that hurt a lot and we got removed before we knew. About a week later, I was talking to a friend, who is known as the girl with the nipple piercings, so I’ll have to figure something better. I felt like I wasn't there.

A little after my accident, I got Tinder. I was very depressed and I needed to talk to. I ended up talking to this girl for 5 months, we'll call her The Koala Girl. We ended up going to the Comic Arts festival in Toronto. Also, she was cute. We spent most of the day together, talking about each other, like her trip to Bangladesh, and shows, and just a bunch of nerd stuff. Even still, I felt like she was miles away from me, everything was.

[jewpacabruhs]

so out of boredom i wanted to go in depth about something from a certain ep. in ‘the death of eric cartman’, from season 10, kyle calls cartman a “fat, racist, self-centered, intolerant, manipulating sociopath”. as we all know, it’s pretty easy to label someone a certain way, when in actuality stuff tends to go so much deeper than a couple of summarizing words. so i wanted to analyze each of those six titles that seem to follow cartman around.

1) fat. yes, hes overweight; there’s no denying that. it shouldn’t be included in this list of negatives, but kids are shallow.

2) racist. while there’s no denying he’s blatantly racist, i don’t think cartman understands the depth of racism at his age, and therefore it’s not genuine. none of the kids, except for token and nichole and maybe kyle, do. i myself was pretty racist until around thirteen or fourteen, because i’d been raised like that and i didn’t know any better. despite being jewish (granted, i didn’t experience any anti-semitism until i started to embrace my religion recently), i found harmful stereotypes about non-white people to be funny & often said them in jest, until i started educating myself and realized how harmful doing that was. unfortunately a lot of people don’t outgrow the racism they learn as children. point is, i think cartman doesn’t understand the magnitude of racism and it’s harmful effect on poc. then again, he doesn't care about any one but himself, and things that don’t directly involve him don’t concern him, so you can’t expect him to. but considering his recent pc arc, maybe he’ll mature a little. unfortunately, as of now, i think he just views making racist remarks as another thing that gets him attention. he’ll take any attention he can get, and negative attention is easiest to get. how to get negative attention? make everyone hate you. how to do that? display hatred towards everyone else. 

3) self-centered. he’s most definitely self-centered. i think cartman got a very extreme case of only child-syndrome (general selfishness, bossiness, etc. i myself was an only child until twelve, and i was a goddamn pain to be friends with, i’ll tell you that) that was magnified by abuse and neglect from his mother. he’s developed a me-against-the-world complex. not to mention he’s very intelligent, and he knows it, which led to some intense narcissism (or perhaps that’s a front to hide his insecurity, because there’s been a couple of instances where cartman’s grandiose facade cracked and we got a glimpse of the vulnerable kid underneath). that intelligence, regardless of how little he demonstrates it on a daily basis, also alienates him from the rest of south park, who are airheads. and while i can’t deny he’s undeniably clever, and that’s a positive for him, his self image of his psychical body is all false bravado; he’s convinced himself he’s strong, attractive, and manly, when in reality he’s chubby, weak, fairly repulsive (albeit charming), and a little more on the feminine side, if we’re generalizing - he’s emotional, sassy, manipulative, and on a more psychological level, he cross-dresses, plays with dolls, and is, canonically, attracted to boys. he doesn’t like himself, even if he pretends he does. now, personally, i believe all humans are self-centered - at the end of the day, do we genuinely care about each other people’s trivial problems? then again, i’m a raging nihilist. regardless, cartman’s put up a facade of who he thinks he should be, who he wants to be. his use of derogatory language towards others (not the personal attacks, like calling kyle a filthy jew or token a black piece of shit or whatever, but the general ones, like “hey, f*gs” or “whats up, dickwads”, yanno), it’s all to make himself feel better about himself. to try to put himself on a pedestal, so he’s untouchable, and he does this by demeaning others. his use of the f word in particular, and i’m not talking about fuck, is likely internalized homophobia.

4) intolerant. ties back into racism - he’s intolerant because he thinks it’s cool. he thinks bigotry is badass, and he’s obsessed with his own image, similarly to stan, only stan actually has morals and a decent sense of wrong vs right. stan will do anything to make himself look good, but only in socially acceptable ways. cartman, on the other hand, has no concept of what’s socially acceptable, and merely does things to the beat of his own drum; whatever he thinks is right, in his own eyes, he believes wholeheartedly, and he practices what he, and he alone, preaches. he thinks that, by spouting hateful bullshit, he, again, is putting himself up on a pedestal, which is exactly where he wants to be (and likely thinks he belongs). have you ever met/talked to a bigot who wasn’t a raging narcissist? i haven’t. cartman also clearly doesn’t know how to be nice, as shown in casa bonita; hate is all he knows. it’s his defense mechanism, likely because, subconsciously, he’s afraid to let people get close. he doesn’t want emotional intimacy with anyone because he doesn’t want to be genuinely vulnerable (partly because he likely considers vulnerability as “faggy” or “girly”, and his ego won’t allow that, and partly because he doesn’t want the walls he’s built up to be torn down - no bey reference intended, i swear). the only people he’s ever really opened up to have been his mom and butters, and with his mom he usually wants something and he’s exaggerating. butters, i think he trusts to some degree, because he knows butters is a dweeb and he’s naive enough to not entirely understand the difference between cartman’s true(?) nature and his facade, considering his erratic moods. still, even then, butters has shared cartman’s secrets time and time again, which probably proved to cartman that he really cant trust anyone. anyway, like i said, i don’t think the intolerance is genuine, i think he thinks it’s cool and he likes how controversial his remarks are, because, like i said, to cartman, any attention is good attention.

5) manipulative. he’s definitely manipulative, that’s undeniable. but i don’t think manipulation’s inherently bad, honestly; if you’re smooth enough to be able to talk yourself into getting your way all the time, good for you. if your morals are so shaky that you’re able to walk on other people to achieve personal success, you’re probably gonna move up quicker in the world, and i can respect that. cartman’s realized this at a young age, and he utilizes his charm. albeit, he often uses his power for evil, but still.

6) sociopath. this is the one i wanna talk about thoroughly. people don’t seem to understand the psychological meaning of 'psychopath’ or 'sociopath’, or any other psychological diagnosis. i’m not an expert, but i’ve researched psychology extensively, so i’d like to think i’m somewhat of a reputable source when it comes to this sort of stuff. and while i hate to try and stick a label on a fictional fourth grader, it’s pretty fascinating to try. however, you should still take everything i say with a grain of salt. anyway, so, admittedly, on the surface you would think cartman was a sociopath. he lacks empathy and manipulates as necessary without guilt, and while i think he definitely displays antisocial and narcissistic traits, i don’t think hes a sociopath. if anything, he displays some symptoms of high-functioning aspergers (ironic, considering that one episode). as someone on the autistic spectrum, i hardly want him as an example of an autistic person. but he sort of reminds me of someone i studied extensively while researching criminal psychology - one jeffrey dahmer (the real one, not the south park parody version of him). dahmer was officially diagnosed with bpd and schizotypal pd, among others, but a few of the many psychologists he spoke to following his arrest diagnosed him with aspergers. dahmer’s personality would go from awkward, reserved, and gentlemanly, to cocky, aggressive, and cruel. this could’ve been the bpd & aspergers/szpd (which is, more or less, aspergers & schizophrenia smushed together) coinciding. a little personal input: i myself have been diagnosed with a lot of different shit by several different therapists, but my lack of empathy and aloof attitude have been persistent symptoms in each of the diagnoses. if i compare myself to a friend of mine who has bpd, we’re pretty damn different. but if mashed together, we’d roughly make a dahmer-like personality, i think - and possibly a cartman-like personality. see, cartman’s behavior is very sporadic and unexpected. his default tone of speech (which says a lot about a person) seems to be a sarcastic but detached sort of drawl, which reflects his laid-back and idgaf-esque manner. he’s easily agitated, in which case his voice raises, often in a matter of seconds, before he’s returned to his relatively calm usual demeanor. the anger usually doesn’t last, unless it’s a heated argument. when angered, he can be driven to severely injuring people, without a second thought, because he lacks empathy. he blindly follows trends if they make him look cool, although i don’t think he really has a concept of what’s cool, nor does he care, i think he just tries to blend in to some degree to avoid ridicule, and because he wants people to like him. he’s assertive and straight-forward, doesn’t care if he hurts feelings, and doesn’t concern himself with people’s problems or opinions, although i think he cares about what people think about him a lot more than he cares to admit. that’s another thing that’s interesting; how he’s hated by everyone, despite his need for validation, and his brain twists things so he thinks people like him instead of just tolerate him. it’s crazy. anyway, i dunno, not making diagnoses, just bringing up symptoms and possibilities. and that’s all. gnite.

[actuallyschizoid]

Hello-- My best friend is schizo. I myself am very overly empathetic, to the point where I get overwhelmed. Anyway, I don't want to bring it up to him in case it's not something he wants to share/it'd be too intrusive, but the question keeps bugging me- what is it like to have friends as a schizo? I'm terribly sorry if I come off rude, but is it possible for them to care bout/have friends? I want to understand better, as I have high empathy and don't get what it's like. Thank you for any insight

Well, first of all, if by “schizo” you mean schizoid, as an empathetic person you might not want to call your best friend that. ^^’ Of course, unless he identifies as such himself. 

Thing is, “schizo” could refer to a few conditions (schizoid, schizotypal, schizoaffective, schizophrenic, to name first that come to mind), and different kinds of people from this spectrum aren’t always willing to identify with an umbrella term because of how different those are. Also this term is occasionally used in offensive way, and some may find it rather hurtful. Even though others have tried to recover it back into viable umbrella term, it’s still in a gray area, as it seems.

Now, I have just the post you’re looking for somewhere. Thanks to my new blog excel thingy, I even have a chance to find it, one moment... Eh, I should tag things better... >.> I think this is the one I’m looking for, though maybe I missed another big one on similar subject. Anyway, that post pretty much sums it all about friends and schizoids. But I’ll try to elaborate a bit (hopefully it won’t result in even bigger wall of text). 

What it’s like to have friends when you are a schizoid? Well, I don’t really think it’s all that different then it is for other people. I mean, it’s based on all the same psychological mechanics. The only difference is schizoids tend to have low motivation towards having friends and high cost to sustain it. 

I.e. friendship is by definition a mutually beneficial relationship. Unlike all those romantic options, here can’t be one-sided friendship. If just one out of two finds it to be worth to be friends, that just doesn’t cut it — the one without enough reason to sustain it will just withdraw and find something better to do.

So for schizoid having a friend can easily become a burden. It’s draining energy (which is already low), forcing into regular contacts (which is hard and far from always is welcomed), etc. And for it to be still worth it — well, there must be something in it, right? Some profit — and I don’t mean, like, financial gain. Any gain, even psychological — feeling better and all that.  

Problem is, emotional closeness is rarely viewed by schizoids as profit — way more commonly it is, in fact, a loss. Allowing someone to be close to you emotionally from schizoid PoV is the cost they must pay to have some friends. Depending on specific schizoid, it may or may not be worth it to begin with. 

Like, I personally won’t have close friends ever because the whole world doesn’t have enough valuable for it to justify sharing my emotions with anyone but myself. Not-too-close friends are fine, that’s not a big deal. But there’s just no way I anyone would ever be able to get to the “best friend” level of closeness, like talking about feels, being sincere with each other, not having secrets or whatever else. 

I mean, really, people? Really?.. >.> How is it even possible y’all agree on such horrid thing and find it even pleasing? But then again, it could be just be. If you are already best friend with that schizoid of yours, perhaps he’s not that far gone yet, and for him being emotionally close is still an option that isn’t impossibly expensive. 

Still, probably worth to keep in mind that you’re likely taking at least twice as much as you think you do in this friendship. And things that you thing you’re giving are, in fact, just more expenses in his mind. It could be already quite disbalanced. 

And I’m guessing there might be a good reason why you find yourself bugged by those questions. Like, perhaps you feel like he is (was, or slowly getting) more withdrawn, doesn’t seem interested much in spending time together, as if he doesn’t care much? Maybe passively agreeing to all things you suggest, but never suggesting anything on his behalf. Probably not even calling/messaging for weeks or months unless you contact him first.

Of course it’s just a guess, I could be wrong. But honestly that wouldn’t surprise me. Because friendship with schizoids is always like that. Why is it like that? Because, just like I said before, it’s so easy for things to get just not worth its cost. It doesn’t mean he no longer likes you or anything, if that’s the case. It just means he’s tired and unmotivated and it’s harder and harder to stop himself from finding excuses to not go somewhere/do something/whatever. 

So, is it even possible for schizoid to care about friends? I’d say, yes. For some schizoids it’s pretty easy, in fact. All it takes is a good enough reason to care. :) I.e. that friendship must provide something truly valuable for this specific schizoid to trigger this “care” thingy. 

No, emotional warmness, sympathy, talking feels — that’s not it. It must be something the schizoid can’t provide themselves with by other means. Like, external motivation, for example. If you can supplement the natural inability of your schizoid friend to stay motivated, that might help. 

At least for me that always worked better to have other people doing the “get, the fuck out of bed and do something, ffs you can’t just stay here for weeks it’s just unhealthy, there’s this long list of stuff you had to finish by last year and it’s still not done” thing instead of myself. Especially if it’s not just words, but that someone would actually keep being involved with the stuff I must do, being motivated for the task to be completed waaaay more than I could ever dream to be. Just knowing that someone cares about things I don’t care enough about could make a difference between the thing in question being done within 10 minutes or 10 years. Literally. 

Or, if he’s a different kind of schizoid whose most prominent problem is, for example, dealing with other people — well, how about helping with that? Maybe taking care of some mundane thing that you find simple or even fun, but he finds it a personal hell. Like going to a shop, talking to strangers, whatever. 

Then, eventually it might actually click. And all those things that were a burden with nothing in return would become the one and only relationship in their life that actually matters. 

Occasionally, when that happens, some schizoids are capable to develop the level of attachment you wouldn’t expect of them, as far as I know. Sure, it might still be rather withdrawn on the emotional end (or maybe not — again, it’s individual). But there’s surely a possibility that it would matter a lot. 

And of course I ended up with another wall of text, but let’s be honest, none of you doubted this post will be long the moment I said “hopefully it won’t”... including myself. >.>

[emanresusi-blog]

Musings of schizotypals Pt. 1

L.G. - I have a sucky sensation inside. Now that I might break up (for my own mental health) with my boyfriend, I have a sucky realization. I have no friends. I have pushed people for years, stablished unhealthy relationships for years. Now everyone is gone, and I cannot retake relationships that I pushed away years ago. I feel lonely. C.B. - Maybe my impulses to criticize others are a way to avoid criticizing myself. I find myself wanting to tell people that no one cares about their stupid lives but now I realize that's just one of the negative things I used to tell myself. I stopped the stream of negative thoughts about myself. But the thoughts are still there, just waiting to be applied to something. I need to channel this inner critic into something more productive. I know it is a facet of who I am, just one that I misuse a lot. It must be able to do some good somewhere. Constructive criticism about myself and my behavior perhaps. I should meditate on this. I'm feeling good but strangely devoid of emotion simultaneously. Like, my outlook on life is a generally optimistic one at the moment even though I'm not specifically happy about anything. I told my friend that I felt like something more was developing in my mind towards her and she wasn't scared off, so maybe that's why I feel optimistic. At the same time, I feel oddly suspicious and paranoid about her as well. Suspicious of her motives in continuing to talk to me after I told her how I felt, and paranoid for her safety at times (she's blind and also the tiniest little bit naïve, in my opinion). Extending my locus of emotional openness doesn't come easily to me. I really bond with other people to the point that I feel a bit like I'm losing myself. I don't like that feeling, but I love bonding with individuals at the same time. I suppose I'm just a bundle of contradictory neurons wrapped in a skull lol A.C. - So I'm sat in my porch locked out bags packed after another of my alcohol induced binge dissapearing acts I know "only Self to blame" I was only out drinking and chatting nothing bad, but I guess I am selfish, selfishly anaware and selfishly inconsiderate with what I don't think through or when I act rash. Slowly I've become more of a loner and made a habit of losing things family, friends umm jobs, it doesn't feel normal or nice that I might just be a procrastinative, selfish/absorbed individual who can't really get any sort of balance in personal life. I care about making amends and living a normal family life it's just... I don't know. Everyone blames me and punishes me, I don't want a scapegoat for my mistakes but it's very confusing I think if I didn't do what I did I'd damage my self by suppressing it all inside would be worse that's not a justification just a thought. Maybe leading a stable life, to work full time, three kids and relationship is too much. S.C - I suffer from depression and anxiety...I feel sometimes that im different of others because i think i have a few particularities(including that i have only two friends).I often try to explain to some that i can catch thoughts & feelings from people that i know...In fact,from complete stangers too ...I just thought if someone here could uderstand me? And I would like to add that is it okay not to fear of losing my few friends?I am 14 and feel like a misfit..I can't recognize what i am and don't remember who i used to be. R.R. - I have a weird feeling that I'm gonna die soon. Lol. Awkward. 2 near death experiences for me and 1 for my mom. Meh. Now I'm walking around every day with intense anxiety, waiting for an accident to happen. 😢 C.S. - I'm not doing well. I'm emotional... I cried for like half an hour today and I usually don't cry. But I've been sick over something I can't talk about. Very paranoid and scared. Such ugly ruminating thoughts. Barely slept last night and I have such a headache but my mind won't shut off. For the first time in years I feel like punching myself in the head. I've been taking my pills regularly. I see the shrink on Thursday. Which means I have to get through two days of work... I've been mildly sick with a cold for the last week. Oh help! I just want to feel better. A.M. - Today I keep seeing characters from TV shows as people in public spaces (anyone else experienced this?) and there was a shadow man in my lounge. It's odd and not making me paranoid which is also odd. Usually when freaky brain shit happens paranoia activates. Side note; Who the hell puts dried apricot in a hot cross bun!? C.B. - Sometimes I have this urge to be rude to people I don't like. Or that I decide are, as narcissistic as this sounds, beneath me morally or intellectually. It makes me very nervous to confront people but sometimes I do it out of impulse. Like I have this parallel line of thinking that just criticizes the hell out of everything I see. I let it build up and then let it out when I reach a certain level of resentment at the world. Afterwords I feel no better. But it's like I have this good side and this bad side to me. The bad side is the worst me I can imagine: lazy, thoughtless, critical, apathetic, and cruel. The good side is the best me I can imagine: empathetic, supportive, passive, thoughtful. I realize that I internalize these values from my primary caregivers growing up, my mother and first stepfather. I can't see the value in my stepfather very well. Jung had this idea of the Anima and the Animus. One male and the other female. I've always identified my values with the feminine due to the fact that the only support I ever got growing up was from women. I never understood men. I never understood women either for that matter. But they were the people I tried to emulate growing up. I couldn't stand the thought of being like my stepfather or boys my age until I became a teenager. Then I copied my stepfather and began to hate a lot. To be cruel a lot. Because that's all I saw in him. These impulses must be that old behavior rearing it's head. I've always wanted to be my own person but I've never quite known how. L. G. - Okay so I am going to lay one of my biggest problems right now and see if you can help me even if it's just a Little bit because I have no clue :( I finished university last year. Everything fine. My father came to my room and asked me, "what do you want to do next year? you have to think it NOW" and clearly wanted me, pushed me to do oposiciones (this is how we call the process of studying to get a job in the public system). I did the course for oposiciones. I HATED IT. God damn how boring, bland, deadly! I cannot even study for it or understand what they do. But my parents are 100% into it and they don't even contemplate me leaving them. I have to act like I study on days like those because they are so into this, specially my father, who sees working in the public system as my only chance in life because I am schizotypal. You can ask me questions, I will answer if it hasn't been understood. Thanks for the help :) L.G. - This is a bit of a hard to ask question but I will ask anyway...do you have problems maintaining your personal care, etc...? Sometimes I do and my family makes shame of me :( although i think really I'm not that much of a disaster. I mean, now I take care of myself, it's not like when I was really bad where I wouldn't take proper care of myself. L. G. - Do you ever feel like you've got too much contained in your chest and feel like telling anyone about it? Like you had an urge to tell what's ailing you? I've got Friends to talk with but I have too much in my chest and everyone looks like a friend to me now... S.S. - Two things I learnt about myself recently 1 - I will never be able to do a 9-5 job. Because I am too impatient and get angry when someone tells me what to do. Also overthink everything and get bored with routine. The only thing I can do is my own boss and work from home alone.I need to be in control. 2 - I can't ever picture myself in a relationship. I recently met a woman a bit older than myself but we share lots of interests and get on well. But I'm beginning to feel smothered and under pressure to behave a certain way. I just want to be a free individual with no responsibilities. I wasn't born to be a pack animal, but to give others as much freedom as possible and for them to not bug me in return. C.B. - Anyone else feel really anxious when they talk to other people about personal issues? It makes therapy very difficult for me. I'm too nervous around my therapist to open up to him, to really talk about the issues I have. I always just spend the time in my "therapy mode" (where I act pleasant and nice and talk about minor issues to avoid the larger ones). I don't feel like anybody can really help me with some things, and that I would just be making whoever I was talking to feel bad. I want to be able to talk about my motivations, my relationships, my feelings but they make me feel pathetic. Sometimes I feel like less than a person, like I'm really just wearing a mask when I behave as a normal human does. Trouble is I don't know for sure who or what is under that mask. D.S. - Had an irrational mental breakdown in public again one of those crying and screaming in equal parts of anger, frustration and sadness... why am I so easily overwhelmed sometimes.. plus I look kinda scary afterwards.. the neighbors already peg me for weird as it is... all emotionally shutdown and stuff only secs later.. I dont know its always like that.. overemotional first and a few seconds later back to the void.. im done. Im turning 23 tomorrow and I just wish I could skip to my funeral instead.. yeah.. one of those days.. A.M. - Does anybody else wander through life aimlessly? Never really finishing things they embark on, barely following their interests and feeling as though they're waiting for something to shake enough life into them to align them with the dimension that is reality... Being a drifting alien is really getting to me lately, I didn't realise how meaningless I find everything or how far I have drifted from society. I am not referring to deppression btw. P.A. - There’s something that’s killing me inside and I would really appreciate getting it out in a post. I really hope I don’t sound like a total bitch. It’s to do with abandonment, which I hope some people here will understand. I feel so abandoned by my counsellor. It’s the closest relationship I have. I sent her a text a few weeks ago saying I was sad and I never heard back. It has been my psych ward “anniversary” and I thought she’d message me to ask how I am but no nothing. Now she’s just become a grandmother... I know because I’m friends with her son. They are all super excited and spending lots of time together. He is sending me photos of the new baby but it’s just making me even more upset. Why can’t I just be happy for them? I feel so bad and self-centred for feeling this way. I know this little girl will be spoilt rotten with love and I’m jealous, there’s no other word for it. I suspect this is triggering an ancient wound in me, a hole that I’ve never managed to fill. My friend wants to see me tonight but I’m just too upset to see him and I can’t explain to him why *hides under table* C.B. - Sometimes I feel like I am more comfortable being depressed than I am being happy. Being sad feels, I don't know, solid, constant, whereas happiness is a fleeting and ephemeral feeling. Because of this, I got used to lying to myself to make myself more depressed. Don't know if that makes any sense, but I used to love laying in bed and thinking terrible things about myself until I cried my eyes out. I guess I craved that sense of catharsis. These days, I realize that this isn't a healthy way of coping, but I still crave the cathartic feeling I used to get by working myself into a terrible place. I think maybe I crave intense release of emotion because I have a hard time letting go of emotions in the moment and I kind of bottle them up. I still crave that. It's odd, I suppose I'm working to integrate the disparate parts of my personality into a functioning whole. It's like the emotional part of me exists kind of parallel to the rest, separate but connected in form if not function. A.C. - I guess if you can't do anything consistently but your capable of being extremely creative which many are here. Your purpose in life is to create a masterpiece not stand in line and fit the system. S.S. - Got told I'm too much of a negative person earlier and that I should keep all my thoughts secret. But the truth is I only say about 10% of what's actually on my mind. I'm too truthful about my flaws. The last thing I wanna be is a fake who brags. I can't help who I am.

[pet-diary]

What are your especial interests? :)

I have so many honestly (I don’t have like 2 or 3, I have like 1,000!) But I usually only have a few I’m really into at a given time, and then I go back to old ones after a couple of months. It just sort of happens naturally, I have no idea why but it’s like clockwork how I recycle through them. (actually this post describes it really well so I’m gonna use that as reference for categorizing).I guess you could say there are categories and subcategories of special interests, so it ends up seeming like there’s a lot. Here’s the main categories I tend to have at all times. Also, these are not just general interests (I have a LOT more general interests), these are things that bring me life and make everything alright again.

“The Permanent Special Interest: This, as the name implies, is the permanent one. It never seems to go away, even if you have other minor special interests. This one can last for decades, and can even influence things such as career choices”

💧 Harvest Moon (the videogame. Bc of my love for HM, I pretty much love ALL slice of life open world games/stories, I think they satisfy my need for order & simplicity)💧Slice of life genre (real or fiction, other ppl’s lives through blogs, games, comics, etc)💧Documenting my life (as you can tell by this blog! lol)💧Seasons, routines & organization💧My pets💧Childhood💧 Psychology, esp abnormal psych💧 Mysteries & conspiracies💧 Antique stuff, esp old unloved toys & ephemera both of which I collect💧Specific historical times & aspects of those times (like the daily life of early American Colonialism, and the odd things about Victorian England, the late 1800s and early 1900s, psychiatric treatment & institution history, orphan history)💧Dilapidation of old buildings & forgotten spaces💧The Ring (US, 2002)💧 Manic pixie dream girl characters (this term may not be best for what I’m trying to describe, but I like girl chars that are like dreamy weird eccentric unpredictable childlike girls and this term seems to fit that ok. Not the doing-it-all-for-a-man aspect really)💧Age-gap relationships💧Very specific styles that I can’t really explain in words very well!!

“The Changing Special Interest: These special interests can come and go rapidly. Some can change every few months, some can change every one or two weeks. They can co-exist with the permanent special interest”

There’s too many of these to name (you would hate me for making this such a long response if I tried). But you can kinda tell what I’m SIing atm by looking at my blogs. Currently I am SIing:🌿Photography (specifically film look and pics of abandoned houses)🌿A few specific blogs (I usually get really into 1 or 2 blogs and I live for their posts for like 2 months and then I kinda chill and get over it, lol)🌿Trader Joe’s frozen veggie gyoza and veggie tempura (I could eat these every day and not tire)🌿Antique and thrift shopping

“The Constantly Returning Special Interest: This is the one that you constantly lose and regain interest in. You have moments where you’re not interested in it as much, and moments where it really excites you. It’s like a continuous cycle”

🌧️ Autism🌧️ Schizophrenia & schizotypal pd🌧️ Eating disorders🌧️ True crime (esp Holmes, Fish, & Manson, but all true crime interests me)🌧️ Cults (this kinda fits under true crime but not necessarily)🌧️ Supernatural stuff (esp ghosts, ouija boards, hoodoo)🌧️ Louis Wain🌧️ Henry Darger (and outsider art generally)🌧️ Winsor Mccay’s Little Nemo🌧️ Alice in Wonderland (original & American Mcgee’s)🌧️ Japan (the language, the culture, the subcultures, the food, the fashion styles, the art styles)🌧️ School (school lunches, buildings, schedules, just the environment of a school & life of a student)🌧️ Virtual pets🌧️ Dollhouses, paper dolls, paper crafts🌧️ Beauty stuff (makeup, hair, nails)

I am absolutely sure that despite this long list there are things near and dear to me that I am forgetting right now, and for that I ask those precious special interest’s forgiveness. 🍼🐇I also have a lot of childhood SIs that I’m not including here but they still interest me a lot, they’re just more of a nostalgic SI than a current SI.

(Credit to sbroxman-autisticquestions for the SI category descriptions)

[butwhatistrue]

The past two days have been wild. yesterday i went to have all four of my wisdom teeth removed, I’m not gonna go into detail, but it wasn’t pretty or comfortable at all, and I have a lot of stitches in my mouth now - yay!

Today i went to the psych department. i tried calling them yesterday and asking if i could move the time because of widom teeth removal, but it turned out I was seeing their senior doctor, not a nurse, and that shw wouldn’t have time to see me again before in a long time. so i had little choice but to go.

I talked to her for two hours. First she asked a bit about my history, not really family history, more like, when did i start school, what have i been doing with my life so far -ish questions. After that we moved on to the checklists for things, mostly psychotic stuff. She was ~very~ interested in my hallucinatory stuff. I tried to be pretty conservative about it. Surprisingly she didn’t really ask about delusional stuff beyond the classics, though i assume she read the notes from the other people i talked to. 

In the end she gave me a preliminary diagnosis along the lines of “non-organic psychosis unspecified”. She said she felt like my issues were a mix of autistic traits, psychotic features and lots of anxiety + history related stuff, and that I didn’t fit well into any category. 

I asked her what she thought about schizotypal since I’ve been looking into that, and she said her instinct wasn’t to go for that because my psychotic symptoms were beyond quasipsychosis, and she didn’t think i exhibited a good deal of the symptoms (particularly those related to negative symptoms of the schizo-spectrum, i think.) She did say that there was a likelihood I’d get that as part of an official diagnosis at some point, since it would convey some of the more atustic-spectrum issues along with the more psychotic stuff. 

I’m going to be called in for conversations with a nurse, and she made a prescription which I’m not yet sure if I will use.

It’s for risperdal, which is one of the new-generation antipsychotics. though, it’s not very broad-spectrum compared to most other new-gen. it should be fairly non-sedative as far as antipsychotics go.. She told me they usually use 0.5-1 mg for anxiety, and 3-4 mg for psychosis, and she suggested I try just 1 mg and see how that treats me. It should be fairly kind in regards to sideeffects at that level.

I have no idea what to do actually. I guess part of me is just like fuck it, let’s take their damn medication. while another part is too afraid to lose my edge and become unable to deal with these symptoms if i start relying on a drug to do the legwork. 

The thing is, i don’t think they are going to try and help me with other types of drugs before I’ve given this a chance. She seemed to believe that a lot of my general issues, including spaciness and the like, might be a bi-product of these symptoms, and that it made most sense to attempt to treat this first. 

She suggested i apply for a mentor at university, to help me structure my time and get my work done, and she also suggested getting a “bostøtte”, which is like.. “external living support?” Basically they’re people who drive around and come by maybe once a week and help you straighten out your home. That sounds really humiliating and anxiety-provoking tbh, but what do i know.

Anyways do i know anyone who tried risperdal (risperidone)? I’m really unsure how to proceed. I’m kind of considering just never showing up for an appointment there again.

I may have made some type of mistake smh. I’m still super confused about the line between psychosis and quasipsychosis but she seemed so sure that I belonged in the first category :/

Well the good news was that she wasn’t particularly worried that I was going to get a lot worse (aka she didn’t see me as being at particular risk for schizophrenia f.ex.), likely since my symptoms hav been a constant my whole life. On the other hand she also didn’t believe I was ever going to be “healthy/sane/neurotypical”, basically for the same reason.

I feel like this still leaves me with no words to describe myself. I was starting to like stpd too. I don’t feel like it’s completely out of the game anyways, we’ll see about it all.

In any case I’m feeling fairly chill. My only issue is that my mother is going to call me tonight and I haven’t made up my mind about what to tell her. I am not going to tell my father or stepfather anything - which kind of pushes me towards wanting to disclose a bit more to my mum.

She was very set on the idea that I needed to try medication for adhd, but now that they’ve diagnosed me with psychosis they’re probably going to be careful with stimulants? She has a lot of users who are really not digging their antipsychotics, and I’ve been feeding her anti-anti-psychotic notions as well, so I’m not sure it will go over well if I present that aspect.

I could present it more as an anxiety-med, but I know that she is going to ask for the name and research the hell out of it. I told her I wasn’t going to accept anti-psychotics and she is likely to remind me of that.

At this point I honestly don’t know what I want for myself. Still, I worry about alienating my mom. If i had just not told her about the whole asessment in the first place, but I did, and I kind of sold her on the idea of stpd, but this is maybe something else..

Anyways, sorry about this excessively long post! EDIT: I just talked to my mum, and to my surprise she thought i ought to give the medicine a chance. interesting. im still thinking it over

[sparring-with-a-pen]

The Music in My Head

This is the first part of a short story, working title The Music in My Head.  It is about a young man approached about having experimental tech put into his brain to help with his psychological disorder.  If you did not read the initial post of this blog, everything here is being done as a writing exercise to practice my writing, and will be rather raw, unedited, and often typed from a phone.  Point being:  Its not going to be perfect, and possibly won’t even be good.

They approached me as I was leaving my therapist's office. I was 16 years old, with shaggy hair and a body that was blessed with a good metabolism but little effort put into being athletic. I wore dark glasses and slightly baggy clothes with the t-shirt turned inside out. I did not want to be a walking billboard for a brand, to show allegiance to an entertainment franchise, make a political statement, or give a nostalgic wink-wink through a half-clever combination of two separate nerdy properties. In short, I wanted plain shirts. As I felt no need to pay much for these, I mostly wore hand-me-downs from garage sales or thrift stores. Sure, my parents would have bought me new stuff, but I insisted they didn't.

They were both middle aged men. The younger was white, almost as white as his coat, probably from spending so much time under fluorescent lights as having Caucasian parents. The older one looked to have had at least one Indian parent, but for all I know with my limited world view at the time, he could have had ancestry from any of the nations in that general region. Thinking back, he probably wasn't mixed with white ancestry at all, just bleached by years in a science lab with the same artificial lighting that gave his colleague his unflattering complexion.

What stood out to me, and maybe what made me trust them, was that they were clearly not the marketing team. They were the brains; the very men who developed what they were selling. They knew what they were talking about, and they believed in it. They were sincere. But that's probably not what I would have questioned either way. No, it has always been a singular query stuck in my head.

Why these men in white chose me I still don't fully understand. They gave me some reasons why I would be a good candidate, but that doesn't explain "Why Me," which I asked multiple times. I was an male adolescent schizoid. Being an adolescent, I should be filled with emotions. Being male, I probably have little understanding and recognition of my emotions. Being schizoid, I show no emotion. I would say I have very little or mild emotions. They want to believe I have them, I just don't show them, and maybe don't feel them but that I definitely have them buried way down inside my soul. Or some shit like that. Whatever. That wasn't enough of an explanation to so me from constantly wondering, "But why me? But, Why, ME?

I asked them about some of the other kids I had met that also had personality disorders.

"What about Tommy Middleton?" He goes to my therapist also. He has problems with emotions."

"He has problems regulating his emotions. He is bipolar. He might be a candidate in the future, but it could be too dangerous for him. It might push him in the wrong direction and push over the edge. A lack of emotions is better for this trial."

"What about Sean Jefferson? He was kicked out of my school and is seeing a therapist as ordered by a judge?"

"That kid is a sociopath: I'm not going to work with him," the other gentleman exclaimed.

The one that seemed in charge, the one that was doing most of the talking, gave him a stern look, and then followed up with a more professional explanation.

"We are aware of Mr. Jefferson. He does not yet have an official diagnosis, but others have commented on their concerns of him showing signs of antisocial personality disorders."

I interjected. "Means he has no emotions, doesn't it? I saw him bullying a kid once, his eyes were cold and dark. I've never seen eyes like that"

The man continued. "People with antisocial personality disorder have emotions, they just don't often have emotions about other people. And before you ask, his girlfriend wouldn't make a good candidate either. Schizotypal, obsessive-compulsive, histrionic: money of these are right for this test. We need schizoid. We need you."

After a dramatically long pause, where they were both staring at me expectantly, and I looked back at them with a blank, uncaring face, the other one spoke up again.

"Look kid, could we cover another candidate? Sure we could. But we looked over serval, and you are the one we chose to work with. But it's up to you. We weren't even supposed to come to you directly, but Jensen here wanted to talk to you first. Ultimately, it's your choice."

Jensen took over again. "The thing is son, I didn't want your choice to be influenced by your therapist, or filtered through your parents. This is all about you, and what's going to go on in your head. Legally, you aren't old enough to make such important decisions. Medically, they would say you are also not mentally capable. I disagree. I think you are the one who lives with this disorder and you are the one who will live with our device in your head. And I think teenagers are perfectly capable of knowing themselves and of sitting down and thinking things through when they need to. So I want this decision to be yours first."

It was almost a moving speech. I suspect others would have found it to be. I did appreciate the respect, though, and so I showed them respect in return. I listened to them explain the process and the device. I asked questions, and they answered them plainly. I left feeling like I kind of understood what they wanted to put into my head. I agreed to think it over and meet back up in a few days. In the meantime I had to decide: Do I want to have a prototype neurological implant connected to the parts of my brain that registered audio stimuli and remembered music?

[starnova-between-two-worlds]

Things that do not work, so stop suggesting this crap to me.

Music: Ghost in the Shell: SAC’s soundtrack 

Everytime a mental illness or disorder is brought up there will always be armchair doctors and psychologist trying to get you to try their “it really works!” bullshit. Or well-meaning therapists who are trying to help but are using the wrong methods that just don’t work with me. Here is a list of things that do not work with me, so as I said, stop suggesting this crap (and attached to each point is an alternative that actually does work). 

1. Meditation. A lot of people in the psych sphere will swear by just how amazing meditation is for making you feel more aware of your surroundings, more in touch with your current physical reality, releasing stress and tension, keeping the nightmares away, etc. It does not do any of those things for me. All it does is make my mind wander. And then there’s absolutely NOTHING to halt the nightmares from creeping in. All meditation does for me is erase everything else from my mind so it can open the door and shout “HEY, NIGHTMARES! PARTY IN STAR’S MIND! COME ON IN!” And then of course that effectively ends the meditation.

      -WHAT DOES WORK: Letting me zone out to music for a while. Even better if I’m pacing or moving around the room while doing so, as the movement helps me focus entirely on the music and nothing else. There’s a reason I have to have music on while I blog. The lyrics allow my mind to hyper-focus on them so I have something to zero in on that is not the chaos in my own mind. Having to switch songs gives me an additional focus of “This is the song I want to listen to next” and then I’m forced to think about the songs instead of whatever the fuck my head is doing to itself at that point in time. 

2. “Go keto/gluten free!” Fuck no. You know why fuck no? Well, first of all keto would be disastrous on a training martial artist who need carbs (I tried going carb-less before a session and nearly fell the fuck asleep right there. Had to bow out to go eat a banana real quick). Second of all, no, me having autistic behaviors and meltdowns does not have anything to do with a secret gluten or carb intolerance. I know what it has something to do with. It has something to do with my mind trying to process its world and sometimes failing (right now there’s gonna be a lot of that. We’ve reached that hellish period of unpredictable weather patterns and “Indian summers” known as February-March. WORST time of year for me). Eating cardboard (gluten free tastes pretty much exactly like cardboard) isn’t going to do anything for that. Nor is cutting my carbs and falling asleep during my training sessions or my runs or my HIIT sessions. In fact that will make it worse because then I’ll fuck up all my training sessions and that will make me furious. 

           -WHAT DOES WORK: Those daily martial arts training sessions I mentioned, along with daily HIIT, weightlifting, running, and when it stops being as cold as Jack Frost’s butthole outside, some sort of daily outdoor play like biking, skating, ball games, etc. Exercise is so mega important for me. Getting my 60 to 90 minutes a day in is so mega important for me because not only does it keep me healthy when the nature of my conditions means I’m very prone to sliding into unhealthy behaviors, but the martial arts in particular works WONDERS for pent-up aggression and allows me to control it and practice discipline. Exercise helps me burn through the constant energy and gives me an outlet for my restlessness, while also giving me a focus (even outdoor games present some sort of objective to focus on). 

3. Mindfulness techniques. I’ve had therapists try this shit with me and then give me questioning looks wondering why we’re not making any progress. Apparently, they’re supposed to be for trauma victims and those with chronic mental illness to remind themselves of reality and call themselves out of a nightmare or a flashback or a bout of aggression by reaffirming the reality around them. We’ve done “visualization,” “breathing exercises” (those are ACTUALLY useless to me Like, “it’s the equivalent of doing nothing” useless), logging/journaling (I do journal, but it’s meant to be a personal journal for me and not for any sort of therapeutic reason. More of a writing practice than anything at all). We’ve tried these stupid twee little games where I write down what’s happening in the nightmares and put them in a box to “lock them away” (you know what that doesn’t do? Keep them from re-entering my mind, just because they’re now on a paper sitting in a box). One therapist actually told me that whenever I feel like I’m going to have a meltdown, I should play with rocks. I handed the rock back to her and outright told her, “No. That is not going to work at all.” The reason was that the physicality of the rock was supposed to bring me back down to normal, or something. It doesn’t work. 

             -WHAT DOES WORK: Just put a 3DS in my hand and call it an hour. Give me Youtube videos. Music, as I mentioned up in the first point. I have several mindless, colorful game apps on my phone (things like Bejeweled and Bubble Shooter) where I can just sit there mindlessly manipulating little colored icons for a while, giving me objectives like “match up 20 clouds” or “clear 10 red bubbles from the screen” that are really stupid objectives but still give me SOMETHING for my mind  to hyper-focus on: “Okay, so the best way to match up 20 clouds with that amount of moves would be to...” Coloring books and toys; sitting there playing with a beloved doll of mine who I know and am familiar with is not the same as sitting there playing with a rock that means nothing to me. My dolls mean security and comfort to me. I can make my toys comfort me. My Mulan doll can hug me and my Elena doll can hold my hand. I can’t make a rock comfort me (well, I suppose I can, but why would I want to? It’s a damned rock). VIDEO GAMES. I cannot stress this enough. VIDEO GAMES ARE IMPORTANT. Video games ARE my world. Just leave me alone with Pokemon Moon or Hyrule Warriors or Guilty Gear Xrd for a while and I promise you, I will be okay. Those characters are my FAMILY. Those characters ARE my reality. They are familiar figures that I associate with safety, security, love, and every single happiness I’ve ever experienced in my life. If I’m not okay after watching Lara Croft be awesome or after watching Nariko cut herself through legions of mooks, I’m not going to be okay. 

4. CBT and DBT. They don’t work. :( I’d been in CBT since I was in middle school and after years of it, there came a point when both me and the therapist realized we’ve hit a wall and we’re going nowhere. She told me I needed something much more intensive. We didn’t even get to start DBT--we were supposed to try stuff out of the handbook and see if they worked first. They didn’t. None of it worked. I don’t know why those particular forms of therapy do a whole lot of nothing with me (I don’t know enough about the combination of autism-schizotypal-reactive-attachment to know why they wouldn’t work). But they just don’t. 

           -WHAT DOES WORK: Whatever my current psych is doing. He calls it “narrative therapy” but I think it is a mix of narrative, psychoanalytic, and talk therapy combined into one. It’s very, very, very “patient-first.” It involves active listening and listing off several bits of advice and suggestions at once, not just “try this one thing. It works. I promise.” This psych understands that every patient is different and “that one thing that works, I promise” is always going to have at least one patient it does not work for. He’s god-tier when it comes to dealing specifically with personality disorders, and because he is autistic himself, he knows autism like the back of his hand because, well, it kind of is the back of his hand. When we do find something that works for me, he encourages it instead of telling me why it shouldn’t work and why I should be doing this other thing that doesn’t work instead. Every mind is different, and if it works, it works. He keeps me very involved in exploring my options and in figuring out the best possible things that work. He’s awesome.