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Full Moon Music.
We’ve always featured darkness since our very first broadcast on Omega WUSB. By our fourth show, we came close in completing our first full-fledged darkness set in a more dis-organized era when we were still trying to figure ourselves out. Back then, ‘darkness’ meant any amount of well-known industrial, metal, and electronic acts with an evil, deviant, or negative tinge to it. Think Throbbing Gristle, Clock DVA, Whitehouse, Godflesh, NON, and etcetera. We finally achieved full force during a bonus summer broadcast (#21) and since then things evolved in how we did those shows. We’ve made a point in doing at least one but no more than two of these dark broadcasts per year, usually in the winter as it’s the best weather, and that’s not including the Halloween broadcasts we’ve done. That’s a whole other class in itself.
It wasn’t until November 2017 when I attended Hospital Productions’ 20th anniversary, a night I’ll never forget. It was the culmination of nine months of benefits and stay-at-home recovery from three life-saving shoulder surgeries. It felt so good being in my element in Brooklyn (Greenpoint) with all the industrialists, goth girls, and noise aficionados dressed in black. Ten hours of paying personal tributes to Dominick Fernow and his label made me realize there was more to look forward to. It’s something never experienced on Long Island, and don’t even get me started with what that “culture” consists of.
That event left a lasting impression on me. If the label had its’ magic on me with Cocaine Death, then I was totally mystified with its’ own showcase. Even everything surrounding it - the train rides, playlists, playbacks, the weather - felt significant to me. And then some. The following month, Omega WUSB opened up the winter broadcasting season / year with more Hospital Productions and Sacred Bones music to air. Both of those labels had their 20th and 10th label anniversaries respectively and we loved what they’ve released. Philip Best’s Alien Existence and a shipment of RRRecords’ cassettes and vinyl arrived at the residence; both which made me feel proud of myself. By Year Six, Omega WUSB was more focused in playing darkwave, synthwave, soundscapes, and even witch house. As the colder months progressed, I discovered a Brooklyn goth girl who followed me and liked my posts on the regular. She was that rare person I really identified with and gave me a serious run for my money like no other.
Through all the euphoric ups, heartbreaking downs, and greyscale steadies, the show must go on. The events of Hospital Productions and identification still surround me. They are a reminder of who I am, where I’m from, what I look forward to, and who I associate with. The darkness broadcasts still go strong and we look forward in doing them like you wouldn’t believe. By now, Omega WUSB has been more organized. Of all the different genres we play, we make it a point to do these dedicated darkness sets when the weather’s suitable and as long as the music’s current. Aside from that, we still run dedicated bonus (and even our one-and-only deluxe Leap Day) noise shows and we aim to make all of our other goth rock, black metal, classic industrial, minimal, and other midnight finds when and where applicable. All of our listeners know that organizing at least 15 different genres and making them all fit is a challenge.
This past winter, we aired one broadcast of dark electronics from Avon Terror Corps and the L.I.E.S. label, doom metal, no-tech, and some textural noise. Somehow we fell into the rabbit hole of darkwave, synthwave, minimal, and EBM and we’ve had enough for a great three-hour idea. With WUSB’s ethos of independent radio and our ethos of everything new, current, and relevant, we had a case to go off-the-board.
Here’s what I / we’ve been feeling and experiencing for the past four winters. This soundtrack supplements the pristine spectre of full moons and constellations in the clear frigid black skies, plus all the positive events that still stays with me make for a distinct spell I can call my own. No Wax Trax, no Bauhaus, The Cure, The Cramps, Siouxsie Sioux, or Depeche Mode. No doubt they’re all legends, but not every tracklist or mix has to be that way. Everything found here is current and on a different level. If at any time I need to get myself up, I’ll reach back to this and know I’ll come back to something I can call what’s mine.
Drift.: “Social Front”
Body Of Light: “Let Me Go”
Beta Evers: “Move In My Body Rhythm”
Makina Girgir: “Livides Clartes”
Kontravoid: “10,000 Voices”
La Scaltra: “Rhythm Of Our Dead Hearts”
Vore Aurora: “In Out And Thru”
Void Vision: “Body Says”
Aurat: "Shaitan”
Violet Tremors: “It’s So Good”
Popsimonova: “No Contact”
U.Z.O. / Uho Za Oko: “Medsvetovje”
Colouroid: “Eye Shadow”
Boy Harsher: “Tears”
Crazy P: “The Witness”
Molchat Doma: “Sudno (Boris Ryzhy)”
Hante.: “One More Dance”
Jennifer Touch: “Chemistry”
Minuit Machine: “Don’t Run From The Fire”
Figure Study: “Interaction”
Drift: “Calculations”
Las Eras: “La Esclava”
Gold Zebra: “Invisible Disorder”
Brusque Twins: “What Else Is There To Say?”
Schonwald: “Rays”
Dolina: “Sorrow”
Technoir: “Dying Star (Mesh)”
Sally Dige: “Forget Me”
Drab Majesty: “Cold Souls”
Opale: “Sparkles And Wine”
Boy Harsher: “R.O.V. (New Beat)”
Minimal Kommando / Andreas Ohler: “Minimal Waver”
Linea Aspira: “Hinterland”
Rue Oberkampf: “Tokyo”
Marie Davidson: “Balade Aux USA”
Xeno & Oaklander “Sentinelle”
Aurat: “Pari”
Flesh Of Morning: “Death Becomes Bitter”
White Hex: “Paradise”
Kindest Cuts: “Cold Eyes”
Phosphor: “Another Time”
Girl Pusher: “Where The Fuck Is My Ambulance?”
Debby Friday: “Treason” (f. Lana Del Rabies)
Lana Del Rabies: ”Darcy” (Lav Andula RMX)
NGHTCRWLR: “Firestarter”
Zonal: “System Error” (f. Moor Mother) Wrecked
JK Flesh: “In Your Pit”
Ciarra Black: Stasis
Filmmaker: “The Love Market”
Provoker: “Theme”
Parole E Azioni: “Karaoke Night track #1″
Aurat: “Ilzam”
Essaie Pas: “Danse Sociale”
Drift: “Say It Right”
Deep Red:“Pray For Death”
Ciarra Black: “Dupont Street”
Cabaret Nocturne: “Moon Invaders”
Boy Harsher: “Tears” (Silent Servant RMX)
Kanga: “Going Red”
Promiseland: “Take Down The House”
Lead Into Gold: “Hard Won Decay”
Rosa Damask: Heroes
Zanias: “Follow The Body”
Azar Swan: “Jungle Law”
Canal Street Electronics: “By The River”
Salford Electronics: “Deconstruction”
JK Flesh: “Trinity”
Ron Morelli: “Disappearer”
KVB, The: “In Deep”
White Ring: “Shaken To Sleep”
Pink Turns Blue: “I Coldly Stare Out”
Cabaret Nocturne: “Blind Trust”
Figure Study: “Wait”
Boy Harsher: “L.A.”
Soma Sema: “Artificial Heart”
Natural Assembly: “She Walks In Beauty”
Void Vision: “The Source”
KVB, The: “Afterglow”
John Carpenter: “Vortex” (Uniform RMX)
Emptyset: “Dissolve”
Consumer Electronics: “Co-Opted”
Alan Vega: “Prophecy”
Ninos Du Brasil: “Em Que O Rio Do Mar Se Torna”
Vatican Shadow: “Weapons Inspection”
Molly Nilsson: “A Slice Of Lemon”
Lebanon Hanover: “Babes Of The 80′s” (Tobias Bernstrup RMX)
Urochromes: “Night Bully” (Boy Harsher RMX)
Body Of Light: “Holding You”
Broken English Club: “Channel 83″
White Ring: “Leprosy”
Flesh & Peaki: “Veiled”
Ghxst: “Ride”
Strahinja Arbutina: “You Don’t Need This In Your Life”
Mirrors For Psychic Warfare: “Tomb Puncher”
Ron Morelli: “Golden Oldies”
Azar Swan: “Silent Like A Father”
Boy Harsher: “Face The Fire”
Clay Rendering: “The Pest”
Ron Morelli: “Radar Version”
Vatican Shadow: “Take Vows”
Silent Servant: “The Silent Attractor”
Ninos Du Brasil: “Vagalumes Pirilampos”
Lust For Youth: “Display”
Gary War: “Don’t Go Out Tonight”
Appetite: “Bordeaux Gallow”
Believer/Law: “Foxhole Prayers”
Ciarra Black: “Series Of…”
Silent Servant: “Dissociation”
Vatican Shadow: “Interrogation Mosaic”
Boy Harsher: “Pain”
Contrepoison: “Heartbeat”
Led Er Est: “Scissors”
Molly Nilsson: “I Hope You Die”
KVB, The: “Always Then”
Princess Century: “Crummy Bones”
Natural Assembly “Life Blossoms”
Adult.: “Dance Avoid”
Grun Wasser: “The Deep”
Believer/Law: “Ashes”
Military Position: “Babes Ov Babylon”
Drvg Cvltvre: “Waging A War Against God”
Actress: “Dancing In The Smoke”
Peaches: “Convincing People”
Grimes: “Genesis” (Blvck Ceiling RMX)
Algiers: “Death March” (Prurient RMX)
Rrose: “Surgeon General (Her Insides Laid Bare)”
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📖 2022
The week leading up to Christmas 2021, I was unwell. I was feeling very fatigued and burnt out as we all were. There wasn’t a lot of sun so I was likely Vitamin D deficient, right? Also I somehow lost 10 lbs between October and December without trying which didn’t match what I was eating - probably stress? Oh, but I feel really thirsty, and I can’t seem to quench it… that’s an odd symptom I can’t explain with burnout. It was that symptom that made me test my fasting blood sugars and sure enough, they were way over into diabetic levels.
🚨
On Hogmanay as I rushed to get my booster before the bells, I also went to the GP as an emergency for my blood test. The results came back and my GP wanted to talk urgently. On Jan 5th I was officially diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes and put onto metformin straight away. This began a whirlwind of a year.
On the outside I seemed calm, on the inside I was a ball of emotion, but mostly shame. Shame that after years of warnings this could happen, I had to tell people what had happened. I felt guilt for making people around me worry for my health. I wanted to prove to everyone that I was okay and they didn’t have to worry about me. Maybe not a healthy attitude to take but from the moment I left that Doctor’s surgery and took a 2.5 mile walk home, I decided I was going for remission, end of.
I immediately went on a low carb diet of 130g of carbs a day and stuck to it religiously, I did not break 130g or tried not to. No cheat days, no snacking. Again, perhaps not the healthiest thing to do but I couldn’t bring myself to eat high carbs again. I started walking a lot more, walking three miles home from work in the winter. I went swimming, I got a bike through the cycle to work scheme. But most of all was the diet. It was tough and there were times I felt like crying. But my head told me “I put myself in this situation, you don’t deserve sympathy”. Urgh, silly head.
But despite that negative mindset, the physical side improved quickly. My sugars fell rapidly most importantly and as a by-product, I lost 15 lbs in the first month, followed by another 15 lbs in the second, starting at 255 lbs and ending March around 210.
Now those who know me will know I had no problem with my weight before - I was very happy as a chubby person because I went on a journey over the past few years of learning to love my body, throw off the shame I held against my body and show it off at the beach and the pool etc. So the weight loss for me was such a sudden shift in mindset too. I was back very quickly to a body I had before I learned to love my body… and societal pressure came back. That’s been a struggle this year is loving my new body without need for validation externally.
But in terms of the diabetes, by the end of March, I had my hbA1c checked again… and I was no longer diabetic! I had managed, with the tablets, to get the diabetes into remission. I can’t tell you how proud I am to have got to this point. All the hard work and hardship I put my mental state through was worth the result.
Over the next three months I relaxed the diet a wee bit and let myself eat a little more, but no where near the levels I was at before. My weight finally stabilised at around 180 lbs which is where I’m at now, meaning in total from max weight, I’ve lost 85 lbs in the last year. But more importantly, at the end of June, my HbA1c was still at a non diabetic level, this time without medication.
Since June, my weight has been stable, my sugars are still down, I’ve taken up badminton 2-3 times a week to keep me active physically (and mentally too). I feel fantastic physically and I’m so happy I’ve managed to turn around the diabetes. I still need to work on my mental state and work on some of those troublesome feelings I had at the start of the year as well as others. But aye, long post, but I’m still here, still going. Hopefully 2023 I’ll stay in remission. All the best to everyone 💛
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The world is in such a state, that I feel embarrassed sharing my thoughts or feelings about anything, especially something as petty as my personal problems.
I’m writing today for myself, and maybe someone out there can relate.
I’ve been going through changes for a while now. I’m definitely experiencing a spiritual awakening I have had many encounters (some I initiated, but most having to do with the random crossing of paths) that were very healing, some after ten years or more of silence between us. It’s almost like… all the wounding that I did and that was done to me in my twenties has come full circle.
I have felt overflowing love, understanding, as well as a consciousness of my part to play in every relationship/situation. It was painful to look at my shadow self so clearly. To peel back the layer of victimhood, and realize that maybe I was the problem, in many respects.
Yet in this process of fully realizing my faults, I have developed something I never had before: compassion for myself. I understand why I was the way I was, and looking back, I was able to see just how far I’ve come. It was a good feeling, a proud feeling. Tying off loose ends energetically from so many people from my past. People who were major players in my story (and I in theirs).
It’s bittersweet, the forgiveness is heartfelt on both sides, yet the empty echo of what was, and will never be again lingers on. Yet the older I get, the more I realize it’s all perspective.
With the impending eclipse, I have felt this urge to transform. This shedding of skin. I keep peeling it off like strips, like the bark from a very old tree. I’m uncomfortable being “comfortable”. I keep thinking beyond me, I constantly leave my body, float up to god knows where.
This quiet dissociation gets me into trouble.
On the regular.
Like a fever dream you live on, a heartbeat in my head. All the dreams, your shadowed face. All apologies. Wanting to speak to me. Whispering words I can’t remember upon waking. It feels like energetic stalking. Sitting on all these words I’ve written.
All the perspective I’ve gained in recent weeks… on each past relationship I had. The gifts I got from each lover, what I learned, and how I’ve changed. I harbor no anger toward any of them anymore. I understand it all. I see it from a Birds Eye view. The drop in the bucket, rippling out into ocean blue. The reverberation spills into areas I don’t even realize, to people I’ve never met.
Sitting with all the ugly things I’ve said and done in my life.
Comforted by the fact that in my heart I know I never meant any harm. I know myself now. I know I never hurt anyone on purpose. I was just trying to survive, through so much trauma and pain, just as they were.
I have compassion for each of them, and I also have compassion for myself.
The only way you can shift your beingness, is to live by example. Just be the thing you wish to see. Show up differently, and consistently. The more you practice, the easier it gets.
I’m doing a cleanse to prepare for the Ayahuasca ceremony. I need the purge, I need to purify my spirit. They say the first session is like opening a Pandora’s box. The second open heart surgery, the third is repair, or sewing you back up. I need this hard reset more than I can explain.
My friend Alejandro did the ceremony after both of his parents died rather suddenly. Therapy wasn’t working, so he tried Ayahuasca, and said it was like 100 therapy sessions in one. He said his dead mother (whom he had been very close to) came down and wrapped her arms around him and held him while he cried. He knew he didn’t have to be so sad anymore, because she was always around him, whenever he needed her. Powerful stuff.
I am a little afraid to open the Pandora’s box of all the SA I’ve experienced. I lost count. It’s really sad. I don’t talk about my traumas anymore, mainly because it just makes everyone around me uncomfortable. Plus I don’t like the way people change how they are towards you. It’s a part of my past, but it doesn’t define me. I am not what happened to me.
Fearful that I will have to relive some of these memories. Hoping to connect with some of those who have passed on. Hoping to resolve this thing with you that keeps cropping up in my mind nearly a decade later. Why is it surfacing now?
I used to write poetry. Now I don’t feel confident enough to string words together.
Yet I express myself in other ways. Or do I? Am I merely stunted? I feel like I can’t be myself with my partner, or with many people I am forced to deal with on a regular basis.
Started just being myself again, regardless of how I think it will be received. This has been to greet results. Yet I fear I am outgrowing many of my relationships… this is uncomfortable, as some of these are my primary anchors. Hoping to get clear about these things in the coming months.
I feel different, I’m not who I was, but I’m still in a state of becoming.
So many old wounds resurfacing. I know this is a time of healing, and I am eager to receive all the light.
Hoping you are all feeling the changes too in your own lives. Curious to hear if you’ve had similar things come up for you in these trying times… especially with all the transits taking place.
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hii kana, hope u and your family are doing okay, if you’re okay answering this, i just wanted to ask you how was pregnancy for you, i’m so scared of all about it, and about how my body will look after, did you worried about this?
Hi, sweetheart!! My family and I are doing just great, and I hope you are too ❤️
Read below the cut cause this ended up as a super long answer LMAO
Honestly, I was so scared too, Nonnie 😭 I had a planned c-section for my second time (cause I had c-section the first time so my doctor recommended me to do so) and even then I couldn't sleep at all the night before. I don't want to lie and say it was easy cause it definitely wasn't. During my second pregnancy, I could only eat white rice and boiled eggs every single day cause that was all I could eat (I always threw up if I forced myself to eat anything else), and during the first three months, I couldn't even climb down my own bed without help. I was nauseous all the time, and very emotional. I got hospitalized for two weeks, got treated in the ICU where they took my blood three times a day even from my feet and it hurt like hell 🫠 Fortunately, my family (especially my husband) were so supportive throughout the process so it wasn't as stressful as it could've been for me.
Hmm I don't think I've ever worried about how my body would look like, probably because I was worrying more about giving birth and my baby health's condition (now THIS is stressful. as a mother, it kills you to see your baby get sick and newborns are so vulnerable so during the first month I just felt like crying all the time cause my baby had jaundice, and we had to do a surgery cause she couldn't feed properly and she lost a lot of weight, so we went to the hospital for like once every 3 days, it was a lot, both mentally and financially 😭)
when I had my first baby, I gained 15 kg (33 lbs) but I lost 13 kg in less than 6 months due to breastfeeding. I don't like exercising, all I did was taking care of my baby and doing chores but I still managed to get my normal weight back so I don't think you have to be concerned about gaining weight (if that's what you're worried about). even right now, my baby just turned two months old and I've lost 7 kg (I'm hoping I can get back to my pre-pregnancy weight in the next 4-5 months hehe)
but your body will look different, that's for sure. I got stretch marks all over my belly, some on my breasts too, and they're still there though they don't look as nasty anymore. And of course, I also got my c-section scar but they don't matter much to me. I actually feel proud to have these marks/scars on my body 😁
If you're worried/scared about being pregnant/giving birth/being a mother, trust me, you're not alone. I'm a mother of two children and I'm still scared, but also, the joy of being a mom is truly something else. I used to hate the idea of getting married, let alone having a child of my own (rough childhood lol you know the drill) but after I gave birth and I held my baby in my arms, I was so, so happy. And that was just the start. The first time they smiled, the first time they laughed out loud, the first time they called me "mama" and the first time I kissed my son goodbye before he went to school... so much happiness in every little thing and I'm so grateful for it. so what I'm trying to say is, it's normal to be afraid, but believe me, it will all be worth it 😊
#i'm so sorry for rambling omg#anyway yes please don't worry too much you're stronger than you think you are#so if you decide to do this one day I'm sure it will be fine!!!#if you ever feel like you need to talk about it you can reach out to me anytime okay? I'll be here for you nonnie 💕💕💕#I suck at giving advices tho as you can see LMAO#kana answers stuff
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Long, but worth reading; warning, it’s about…life and death…
I just learned that my best friend from high school died about two weeks ago. She was an extraordinarily talented pianist and writer, a great friend who influenced me in the best way and broadened my horizons; I feel privileged to know her and to have her in my life. I feel very sad that she is no more.
Here’s a letter written by another person; her name was Kerri. She wrote it before she died of brain cancer. Please read, and reflect…and hopefully, apply!
“If you’re reading this, this fu$king brain cancer probably got me.
But let me be crystal clear while I’m able: I did not ”lose a battle” against cancer. This is a ridiculous, steamy pile of horse shit that society has dumped on cancer patients. Western medicine, and Western culture, especially, is so uncomfortable talking about death that instead it created this “battle” analogy that basically shames people who die from cancer.
News flash: None of us gets out alive from this rodeo called life.
There is no shame in dying from cancer – or any serious illness. And it doesn’t need to be a battle. It’s a transition that each of us will go through. I was asked by a shaman, whom I spoke to after my second brain surgery, “Are you running towards life or running away from death?”
Whoa! That got my attention.
There’s a BIG difference. I got it wrong more often than not.
Don’t let fear fuel your choices. Live fearlessly. Run TOWARDS life. Don’t worry about what people will think. Trust me, it doesn’t matter.
Focus on you. Be true to yourself. Be your own best friend. People who tell you you’re selfish are not your people. If the voice in your head says these unkind things, get a new voice. Honor your mental health and seek out a good therapist with the same vigor you’d search for a romantic partner.
Speaking of, be intentional about cultivating friendships that lift you up. As those friendships grow and change, don’t overlook them while you search for that “great love of your life.” (No, I’m not suggesting you sleep with your bestie. But you do you!)
Another unhelpful message that we get from society is that we need a “love of our life,” as a romantic partner.
Single and childless when I was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer, I looked around my life and came up sputtering and sobbing from the wave of grief washed over me. I thought I’d be doing this alone… no husband, no kids, no “great love.”
How wrong I was. At the first appointment with my neuro oncologists, one of the nurses diligently hauled in chair after chair for the great loves of my life who came with me that horrible day and many days after that.
I sat and listened while the doctor explained the 12-month treatment plan, focusing on my breathing, then looked around the room…. filled with great loves of my life: incredible women friends whom I had met at various stages of my life.
Surround yourself with people who contradict that unkind voice, people who see your light, and remind you who you are: an amazing soul.
Learn how to receive these reflections from your people. Because they are speaking the Truth.
Love yourself, no matter how weird and silly it might feel. Every morning, give yourself a hug before your feet hit the floor. Look deeply into your eyes in a mirror. Say to yourself, out loud, “I trust you.” That voice in your head might say you’re a dork. Ignore it.
As I prepare to leave this body and embark on this mysterious journey of my soul, I hope these observations from my deathbed are somehow useful.
What I know, deep in my bones, is that learning to love myself has led me to be able to say this: I’m so proud of how I lived.
May you, dear reader, feel the same when you head out on your soul journey, too. Until then, enjoy the ride. And always eat dessert first, especially if there’s pie!"
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7.28.24 / day 35 of romanticizing my life until i love myself again
it’s almost 2am, i woke up about an hour ago from a 5 hour “nap” after going to a queer day market to support my friend selling their art, and it was really cute and i was honestly super social as i have not had that much social interaction lately (getting used to living alone and having to actively go out and seek social interaction has changed my capacity when i do have it so much, like crazy not feeling drained every time i leave the house because i’ve already been like 5 people’s father/therapist/cleaner/etc before getting to the place i’m going to be supportive/present for someone else) but god damn it was so f u c k i n g hot and tbh i’m very proud of myself for making it as long as i did i only made it thanks to the ice cream vender who put my ice pack necklace (shoutout to my mom who has these for menopause and told me about them) in her cooler so it could get cold again and the lemonade vender who gave me a giant cup of ice to hold against various parts of my body to stay cool af and i got to talk about the music video, and future music videos, the more we talk about this stuff, the more motivated i feel to work on music i want to get to the part where i get to be the thing i’ve been building mostly in my brain for so long
originally, we were going for summer release, and then everything got all fucked up with my roommate situation and moving but i think it was meant to happen this way; this project is better suited for the fall, regardless, and clearly brat has taken over this summer in terms of music, on all levels, especially in the hyperpop scene there are still brat parties going on in la, smaller artists are still reaping the benefits of this album (though not getting much credit, as per usual) love seeing the dare dj a petal supply remix of a brat song and getting all the credit, it’s fine we can continue letting cis white dudes get the credit for queer artists, it’s fine i was literally at a brat market today, where everyone had brat merchandise it’s hard for any other music to break through the brat noise in pop/hyperpop right now, not to mention, boypop is kind of fucking freaky, so i do think sept/oct release would be good for the theme
i rewatch the assembly of the first minute or so of footage and literally cannot believe that that is me these are the movements i practice in the shower, in the corner, in my room, when no one’s looking, movements, expressions, i rarely actually see and the thing is, when i do see, i often shrink from them when i tried to practice performing like this in front of a mirror, i always lost it, the authenticity of it, the commitment, giving fully into the performance, the character, the self that’s the only way, in my opinion, to perform, because any level of restraint pulls you back to reality, that i am just a human, an insecure boy, going through puberty for the second time in his life of 27 years, afraid that he hasn’t done enough in his short time on this earth and wishes he’d taken a life-altering journey to a faraway planet where pop music was the harbinger of liberation instead of a stint in rehab and a coke addiction
anyway, market was fun, although so so hot, and after not going out all weekend, especially after thinking i was going to go to the rave on friday night and not, i really needed some socialization, with friends, and new people, and really needed some real time spent out of my apartment i got a really cute trucker hat that says “gay son” that i’m obsessed with and a really beautiful zine made by a trans guy about his gender journey (originally to raise money for his top surgery, which he had evidently already had, as he was standing there, fearlessly, with his shirt off) i honestly didn’t want to spend another $10 (i literally still have to make my rent in the next 3 days but telling myself i got this) but i think i just feel this intense awe when i see other trans guys post op shirtless, so free in a way i cannot imagine being so, naturally, i was blinded and overcome with this feeling, so i paid the $10 for the zine, and of course i do not regret it at all another vender had a kitten cafe with two 2 week old kittens inside (pictured) because they were too young to be left alone and while i was worried about them and the heat, they were quite cute
after being at the market for over 4 hours, af and i came back to my place, where i made us greek wraps with ground turkey and homemade tzatziki and cucumbers after we walked to h mart to get fresh tortillas i showed them the latest version of “boypop” which is so close i can taste the final mix (and am a bit mad i didn’t work on it today, but it’s fine, i was exhausted) they noticed the automation, the changes i’ve been making, i feel like i’ve actually been moving forward in my work this past week instead of just hyperfixating and going in circles, which is a danger i face in the finishing phase it’s hard to let go of a project, to let it be done i still listen to “king” and think of different harmonies i could record now with my current voice and i can sing whatever i want live, but the recording is done, the mix is done, there are no more changes to be made
i think, in the same way that i love people for their potential, and not always for who they are right now, i see a song as it’s potential, which is why i can imagine so much more than what is actually in front of me, and translate that symphony in my head into the daw, and i also why it’s so hard to let go, to stop, to step away from the infinity of changes and evolutions each project could still face sometimes it feels like i could just work on something forever and as i learn new things it will keep getting better and better, but at some point, i just have to let go
when i was a kid, my dad told me that an artist’s first album is always the best because it’s the cumulation of only their best works at the time, but then they just have to keep creating and they slowly get worse and worse i don’t know why i let this stick with me, more insidious influence from my father on a career i hadn’t even chosen when i knew him, it was just some dumb musing from a middle-aged man making himself feel smart by making a comment about maroon fucking 5
his birthday was 2 weeks ago i wonder if it makes him sad, on his birthday, at the age of 66, knowing he’s grown to be the kind of man who would offer back his relationship to his child, who has grown to hate him more than he hates himself, at a price, who has grown to be a man who can put a price tag on anything, even his love and support knowing he is one of the only people left in this planet, soon including even TSA agents and the DMV, to call me that name to wonder if i will ever come back, if i will ever call, if i will ever reach out, if i will ever show up and say i’m sorry dad you were right all along i got off the path and i sold my body and i want to go back to my normal life with a check for $5000, crying, and return to his control (i won’t) he tells my brother that it’s on me, ball’s in my court, if i want to come back that’s all i have to do, say sorry and pay the fine my terms have always been more simple, which i have communicated let’s talk, with a therapist present you two (parents) schedule (since they have crazy schedules) and i will be flexible (even though i too have crazy schedule) “he said he’s willing” my mother claimed, but it never came to fruition, of course not i blocked his number at first, i had to he wouldn’t stop calling, threatening me, telling me i’d made my mother sick with my behavior (becoming financially independent after realizing i was being financially/emotionally abused) i responded to his emails for a while, but they got worse, so i stopped then, his dad died, and i unblocked him just to call and give my condolences i left him unblocked after that. he could have called any time he wanted, but he didn’t i would know if he’d even tried
i wonder if my dad, too, ever sat alone in his first solo apartment journaling about his thoughts and reflecting on the ways his actions impacted other people mostly i hope not, because i don’t want to know if he did good things before he went bad, i want his fate to feel impossible for me to come to i already know that he read the tao te ching and the four agreements, things i’ve read as a young adult, that have brought me peace, that have taught me ways to move through the world, that don’t make sense when i think of him, and it makes me uneasy i don’t want to envision him being a morally good person and suddenly turning it makes me fear that i could still face the turn, when i want to believe that i have avoided it, that i am not capable of becoming a man like That
but, in truth, we are all capable of becoming like that, of selling out to some idea worse than what we believe in because it’s easy, because what we’re doing now is hard, because the rat race is tiring on the ground because our bodies are tired because maybe our fathers were right and the world’s a hard place and maybe i won’t because i know he wasn’t right, he never was, he was a professional bully who practiced on his wife and children but it is in every decision we make, daily, hourly, minute by minute, that determines who we are, and in ever decision, we can make the turn, we can cave and be cruel, we can give in and take the easy route, knowing that each of those decisions pulls us closer to That which we fear becoming the evil you fear lies as much in buying all your furniture on amazon as it does saying something cruel to someone who doesn’t deserve it just because you’ve had a stressful morning as much as the goodness you chase lives in being friendly to the coffee employee who’s taking forever on your drink when you’re late because it’s not their fault and their morning is just as important as yours as much as it lives in buying from local artists every decision determines how you move through the world, connecting each step and choice like a river, that is where you find where you’ll end up, which ocean you end up submerged in, which fish you will find yourself swimming into the dark night with and i crave free, calm waters for when i my end
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The only Facebook group I feel safe in as an Izzy Hands stan is Our Flag Means Daddy.
Even though I am apart of the two main groups as well, i.e. Our Flag Means Deathposting, Our Flag Means Fans, I do NOT feel SAFE. I see the wildest and hottest fucking takes in these groups and they piss me off. Are you even watching the same show? I’m also sick and tired of people calling Izzy a villain when he clearly is not. Also there are many that don’t recognize he’s gay, even after season 2. If you voice you’re upset and betrayed? You get attacked. I was again last night.
I guess I’m a proud Izzy “apologist”, but it fucking baffles me how fans just give Ed a pass on all the brutal things he did. Oh but the love story—- NO. Recognize you’re an Ed apologist as well. I like both Ed and Izzy, but I recognize the horrifying things Ed did.
The day of the finale, I posted my thoughts on various social media. I got attacked. I got messages even on tumblr from anon cowards who I imagine followed through Twatter. I was called the t slur. That I was stupid, fat, all sorts of things.
It’s because I said I’ll never trust David Jenkins again. Now, do I have my own thoughts as to whether parts of the finale are a dream state/gravy basket that Stede himself is in? Absolutely. But let’s dive into why I was especially hurt.
First off. I am disabled. For those who know me, I’ve also had two leg surgeries and my injury has ruined my life. So seeing Izzy with a false leg, as a disabled character, still being badass? It felt good. It boosted my confidence for me to keep going. I had so much metal in my leg it caused pain that left me bedridden and using a wheelchair and cane. Many a time I wish they’d chopped my leg off.
I see a lot of myself in Izzy. I swear, he has the traits of an Aries with his anger and intense emotions. This man feels deeply for those who cares for, even though at first this seemed to just be Edward. Despite the hardened shell, he’s a romantic at heart. I’m very much the same.
That hardened shell is also a form of masking to me. In my opinion, and in my own headcanon for this roleplaying blog, Israel is neurodivergent and suffered sexual assault on ships when he was young. It’s part of the reason he has bowel issues. He had to force himself to put on that rough motherfucker mask in order to protect himself. I was bullied mercilessly in school. When I started middle school, I decided to align myself with the “bad kids” as a form of protection. Guess what? Part of myself was masking I was a bad ass, part of myself became the badass I was masking to be after years of torture.
Also. I am transmasculine. I’m pre-HRT. But to me, Izzy is very transmasc coded. This was even confirmed by Con himself when a transmasc fan at Supercon brought the conversation up. I’d just like to say again how much I adore him for supporting the trans community, particularly transmascs who often are glanced over.
Then David Jenkins, a straight man, that swore he wouldn’t fall into the kill your gays trope did exactly that. So let’s exclude here the thought that this is possibly a dream state, or even that he might be resurrected by Buttons as a zombie or ghost which I fucking hope not. We’re talking about my initial feelings. Now it felt like they were setting him up to be killed but I said oh no Jenkins wouldn’t do that to us. He promised he wouldn’t.
Guess what?! He fucking did. Not only that, he murdered off the disabled, gay, transmasc coded character after giving him the most beautiful character arc of any character on the show. You can have a gay pirate rom com, you can understand some characters can get hurt, but killing someone as a means to advance plot? Fuck you. Also, the fact that Izzy apologized to his ABUSER?! As if the victim blaming and shaming wasn’t enough for Izzy Hands, which I see plenty of still, that’s fucked up on so many levels.
So to me I watched a version of myself be murdered. It hit me in the hardest way imaginable. I cried for days. I’ve never been so attached to a character in my 38 years of existence. I’m sick and tired of people saying they like his redemption arc. Izzy never needed redemption. He just needed one, single, person to tell him that he was loved and cared about.
So voicing that I felt betrayed and that I no longer trust Jenkins got me nothing but vitriol. Then toward the end of the day, he made a tweet about how there’s no version of the show without Izzy and had the comments turned off. He knows what he did. And then in the FB groups, if you dared say you were upset that day, requoted Jenkins, you’re a horrible person? Right. I didn’t start attacking the writers. I just said I’m betrayed and I can’t trust what I thought was my comfort show. Because of that, I got hate.
As much as I’d like to believe Izzy will return, the interviews David has done post season 2 talking about his character give me little hope. It’s like he just stabbed every fan in the back. Id like to think the rushed finale is really a dream sequence or gravy basket deal. Id like to think that Izzy will come back thanks to Buttons. But now I just don’t trust David Jenkins.
And if you dare voice this opinion anywhere but Our Flag Means Daddy and Twatter, you get attacked. So here goes. Thanks for my TED talk.
#izzy hands#our flag means death#out of hands [ooc]#ofmd#my personal thoughts#our flag means death season 2#our flag means death finale#david jenkins
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I just got top surgery! (Tits off top surgery not tits on top surgery). I’ve already told everyone I know IRL about it so I’m kinda just venting into the void-shaped-like-my-favorite-blogger. But! I’m really happy :)
I’ve wanted this since I was like 9 or 10 years old and very very very first started having puberty happen to me, and now I finally did it! All on my own and even though it was scary, I did it! I’m so proud of myself and so excited for the future now
Wahoo!! It's just a tits off kinda night y'know! I'm so happy for you and you're gonna do amazing things bestie 😭
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Top Surgery Journey Part 2
So, it’s been two days since my top surgery. How am I feeling? Very tired… In some pain, but not unbearably so… Itchy… But far above all, I am absolutely euphoric about how my new flat chest looks and feels. I can’t stop admiring my own reflection in the mirror, which is something I have never felt in my entire life before now. There’s still quite a lot of swelling, so it’s hard to get an idea of how exactly it’ll look when completely healed, but judging by what it’s like now, I am so unbelievably happy and impressed with my surgeon’s work.
But let’s back up a little, because I want to journal the experience itself for anyone else out there considering this procedure, and interested in going to the Centre Métropolitain de Chirurgie (CMC) in Montréal, Québec.
The flight in was fine – the weather was merciful right up until we arrived safely at the hotel, thank goodness. My mother was a very nervous flyer, and I’m really proud of her for conquering her fear in order to be my support person. (The CMC has strict rules about needing someone to accompany you after discharge, because trust me, you will be in no position to travel alone after.)
The CMC took care of everything; they booked the hotel, all the transport, meals, etc. so really the only thing I had to worry about was following their instructions/schedule.
I was paranoid that my weight would be over their cut-off limit and they would deny me even after travelling all that way, but I needn’t have, as my weight was acceptable. (The CMC will only operate on people who have a BMI less than 39.)
When we arrived at the centre, I was given basically a book’s worth of paperwork to fill out. Thankfully they have copies of all their papers in both English and French, as my French is poor. Then I met with a nurse who gave me some pre-op meds, and strapped an identity bracelet to me. I was pleased that the bracelet had my pronouns on it, and thought to myself, “holy shit, why isn’t this the norm at every health facility?” Then I got dressed in nothing but a hospital gown and a housecoat, and was shown where my bed was. My mother sat down to wait for me, and I was immediately taken to consult with the surgeon and anesthesiologist. The surgeon drew all over my chest with a marker and said she was confident she could work with my body shape, which really brightened my outlook again.
It’s a good thing they went over exactly what surgery I was getting though, because they almost did nipple grafts on me, despite me specifically requesting no nipples. (I just didn’t care about them enough to make the effort of grafting them back on and extending the healing process, especially when I always felt like my nipples were quite ugly.)
With the error corrected, I was taken into the operating room and strapped down to a T-shaped table like Jesus on a goddamn cross. I was starting to panic despite telling myself over and over in my head how it would be worth it. I felt the prick of the anesthesia needle, and then the last thing I remember was one of the nurse’s rubbing my temples and telling me they would take good care of me, before suddenly I was lying on a bed with a flat chest! Apparently the first thing I said to my mother when waking up and wheeled into the recovery room was “Mom, I’m so happy.” I don’t actually remember this though, and I went back to sleep almost immediately. But the next time I woke up, I stayed awake until I was discharged.
I was sent back to the hotel that afternoon with a scheduled follow-up appointment the next morning. That night was definitely the worst night, as the pain was at its highest and I was very, very nauseous from the anesthesia. I just kept throwing up and throwing up, regretting attempting to eat anything. Thankfully it passed come morning though, when I also got better control of my pain again after the appointment squared away my prescription. They were also pleased that my drains were working well. I have to keep recording how much fluid is draining three times a day, until they’re ready to be taken out by my nurse practitioner on Tuesday.
I haven’t had any more nausea, and my pain has maintained an acceptable level when at rest – I’d rate it a 2 out of 10 at most. Though, I do have a very high pain tolerance. But holy fucking shit, the Montréal airport this morning nearly killed me. There was so much walking and standing around and I was dead on my feet ready to fall over; my mother quite literally had to catch me from doing so a couple times. I really wish I would’ve had a wheelchair, because the extensive walking both flared the pain up and made me incredibly fatigued, very fast. Then to make matters worse, our flight was delayed by an hour. But the important thing is the flight back to Nova Scotia was safe and the drive home was safe.
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My 2023
I almost cannot believe how quickly this year passed by. It feels like one moment it was only February, and then I blinked once and suddenly Christmas carols were playing on the radio again. I think part of the reason this year went by so quickly was because I didn’t do much…? for most of the year? For a good solid 7-ish months I was just stuck at home applying for jobs day in and day out, and that type of life is just not very eventful. That doesn’t mean nothing eventful ever happened though! If you look at the big life events that happened this year, I actually did quite a lot this year! It was just a very slow process to get from one step to the next, with a lot of nothing in between. But in the end, I got where I wanted to go, and that is what counts! Now it’s time to figure out where to go next…
The Beginning of 2023 vs Now
I was in a very different place in my life at the start of the year. First of all, I was all caught up in a crush on one of my friends a year ago… It’s both weird that that was already a year ago and hard to imagine that that still felt like such a big deal back then. The situation escalated a bit in the first month(s) of the year (which I will not go into, but those who know know [eyes emoji]), but in the end it worked out for the best. I got over my crush, and we’re still very good friends, so I’m much happier about that part of my life at the moment.
Another big difference between me at the start of the year and me now was that back then I still had my reproductive organs. I had surgery at the start of the year, in the second week of January, and I feel much better now that they’re gone. Even though it wasn’t exactly fun to spend the first two months of the year in recovery, they were well worth it. So not only was I able to rid myself of worries and discomfort, I also got another step further in my transition.
The final big change: Back then I was technically still a Master student. Now I’m a graduate with a job. Is that a good change? Well, I’m definitely a step further in the grand path of my life, so technically that’s a yes. But does it feel like a step forward? I’m not sure. Sometimes I wish I could go back to being a student. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m glad I can earn some money now and start building up the rest of my life, but I do often feel that I was happier back then. In that sense, it sometimes feels like I’ve taken a step backwards. But I guess progress in life isn’t always linear, so we’ll just have to see where next year brings us!
So yeah, in multiple aspects, I do feel like this year was the year I grew up a bit and moved on to the next stage of my life. So even if I’m not entirely happy with where I am now, I am proud of what I’ve managed to accomplish!
The Best Things about 2023
Hmm… this one is a hard one this year. I mean, it’s not like nothing great happened, not at all. But I do feel like there were fewer stand-out moments this year compared to the previous years. Nonetheless, there are still plenty of great things that happened this year. First of all: surgery! Of course, the surgery itself wasn’t great, but the result of it definitely was. I already feel much better in my skin than before I had surgery, and though I still have a long way to go to get to where I want to be, I’m glad I got to take a big step forward this year.
Then, to get a bit less serious, another great thing that happened this year was that my brother bought a playstation! I’ve played so many cool games this year: Spider-Man, Spider-Man: Miles Morales, Stray, and more… I never thought I’d enjoy playstation games this much, but man have I spend many hours on my couch gaming on the playstation. It was awesome! And that reminds me that I also got a new Laptop this year, which I’m also super happy with (my old one was falling apart), which also allowed me to buy some awesome new PC games, so I think you can say it was a good year for games! And Spider-Man 2 and Baldur’s Gate came out this year, which is pretty cool too!
In March, I received my Master’s degree, which you could say is also a big highlight of the year. I still can’t believe I’m completely done with my studies. All these years that felt like such a faraway milestone… it’s so weird to suddenly have reached it. Which reminds me: another big highlight was my first salary! I’ve earned money before, but nothing beats your first grown-up salary.
I don’t want to make this too long, so I’m going to go through the next few highlights a bit quicker, but that definitely means that these are less important. They are perhaps a bit less grand, a bit more trivial, but no less important to making the year what it was. This year, I saw Dan Howell live again, I bought a tablet and started learning how to do digital art, I went to Toverland with friends (I was so excited!), I celebrated October 3rd in Leiden for the first time, I also went to comic con for the first time, my D&D character died and got a boyfriend (sort of), many great movies were released (Across the spiderverse, guardians of the galaxy, the D&D movie, Barbie, The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes, many of which I saw in the cinema with friends), great music was released (SHINee Hard, Taemin Guilty, Loossemble and ARTMS… what more do you want?), I got new glasses, aaand I think that is about it? Oh no, wait, how could I forget! The new doctor who episodes!! I was so hyped about those, and they did not disappoint! It was great to see David Tennant and Catherine Tate back in doctor who again, and it looks like Ncuti is going to be a fantastic doctor too, so I can’t wait for the new season to air next year!
So yeah, despite the fact that I may not consider the year 2023 as a whole to be much of a highlight year, many great things did still happen this year, and I’m very glad that they did!
My Resolutions for 2023?
Oh boy. I already took a quick look at them earlier today, and there are definitely a few that I did not complete. However, I do happen to know that I did set a lot of life goals that I was quite sure I was going to reach, and that I have in fact succeeded at most of those, so it might not be all bad! Let’s just grab last year’s list and see how well I did this time!
Life Goals:
Have Surgery! Obviously, my biggest goal for the year is to just finally have my hysterectomy and vaginectomy. I know it might seem like a bit of a cop-out to put something on my list that is very likely to happen, but the recovery is going to be tough, and you never know for sure it’s actually going to happen until it has happened, so if I have had surgery and recovered from it, it will still feel like a major accomplishment – Success! I had surgery, and it was indeed tough, but I got out better on the other side. I made it through, and I’m proud of that
Find a job! The next big goal is to find a job so I can start my new life as a certified adult – Another success! I found my job a bit later than I initially expected (in the end I started in November rather than in April like I’d thought I would), but a success nonetheless!
Move out! It’s going to be difficult to find a place to live in this economy, but once I have the money it will be my main goal. It really is time for me to have my own place. – That’s a fail, I’m afraid. Partially because I only found a job in November, but also partially because I think I underestimated how hard it is to even find a house. Granted, I haven’t tried yet, but it wouldn’t surprise me if it’ll be challenging before the end of next year. Especially since I’ve realized that it might be smart to save a bit of money first. So yeah, that was a fail, but I still really want to move out, so I’m going to try again next year!
Get on the waiting list for phalloplasty. I really need phalloplasty, so the sooner I get on the waiting list, the better. – Success! I got on the waiting list on October 13th, after a phone call with my surgeon. Right now, it looks like 2025 (or maybe 2026) is going to be the year of Phalloplasty for me, which is still painfully far away, but at least I know now that it’s slowly getting closer every single day. Slow progress can be agonizing, but at least it’s still better than no progress at all!
Save some money. I have many saving accounts that are currently empty, and I have very little money overall. However, once I have a job, I might actually be able to save some money, so I hope that next year I’ll be halfway to my goal in 4 of my savings accounts. – I’m going to count this as a fail, since I’m not even halfway to my goal in one of my savings accounts, unfortunately. I am saving money right now, but unfortunately this year the amount of money in my account decreased significantly before I finally managed to earn something new. So yeah, no success on saving just yet, but again, a good goal for next year!
Buy a new laptop OR a piano. My laptop is falling apart a little bit, and I haven’t played the piano in ages, so I hope that I’ll be able to buy either a new laptop or a piano sometime next year! However, whether I can get a piano or not will depend on whether I’ll have my own house, whether there will be space in that house, and how much money I’ll be earning haha. – Success! Bought a new laptop as soon as I got my first salary in November and honestly that was probably the best purchase I’ve made all year. No regrets!
As soon as I'm recovered enough from my surgery, I want to do push-ups regularly again so I can build up a little bit of strength again. However, it's going to really depend on how long I'll take to recover after surgery, so I don't know whether I'll actually be able to do this. – Okay, this is more than a success. I didn’t just start doing push-ups again, I’m actually going to the gym every week now. I don’t think I could’ve predicted that I’d ever become a gym person a year ago, but that’s the fun thing about life, isn’t it? You never know exactly what is going to happen!
Reading Goals:
Read 25 Books! I know that’s a lot less than what I read this year, but I feel like I will be busy enough next year with other things, so I don’t know how much time I’ll have for reading. Still, I don’t want to neglect reading completely, so 25 books! If I succeed, I can go higher again the year after! – Fail, unfortunately. I read only 21 books this year. I haven’t really figured out yet how to combine reading (and my other 10 hobbies) with working full-time, but that will be a challenge for next year!
Get to a point where I only own 5 unread books at a time. I’m so close. I know I can do it – Nope. Currently have 19 unread books lying around in my room… :(
Finish reading at least 6 of the 12 series I’m in the middle of. I realized this year that it happens way too often that I start a series and don’t finish it, and then when I decide to continue the series I’ve forgotten what happened in the previous book, and that’s just a shame. So this year, I’m going to finish series instead of start them, and hopefully next year at this point I’ll only be in the middle of 6 series instead of 12… - Nope… I finished a grand total of 3 series… Very sad…
Read 5 Rick Riordan Presents books. I still want to catch up on these books as well. I’m in the middle of 2 Rick Riordan Presents series at the moment, so if I finish those that’s already 3 books. Then the next Rick Riordan Presents series I want to read only has two books, so I want to try to read those too. – Another fail… this is starting to get a bit depressing…
Keep reading classics. I want to read at least 2 new classics next year because I do want to keep reading those even though I’m done with my studies. However, I also don’t want to force myself to read too many of them against my will, so I think 2 is a good number. – Success! Yay! I’m glad I still managed to read some classics this year. I might be done with my studies, but I’m not ready to let English Literature go just yet. There are still so many classics that I haven’t read yet, and as an ex-literature student, I feel like it’s my duty to read as many of them as possible!
Keep up with new releases! And by that I mean, read the new Truly Devious book, Percy Jackson book, and Nevermoor book in the year they’re released, so in 2023! – Another success again! Nice! I read all of these books except the Nevermoor book, but that’s because that one got postponed, so it hasn’t actually been released yet. Hopefully I’ll be able to read that next year!
Art Goals:
Make 5 big art pieces. By that I mean I want to complete at least 5 drawings where I give them my all – colour it to my best abilities, add a background, and most importantly, don’t rush it! I want to make sure they are the best I can do. – Fail, but close! I finished 4 big artpieces this year, and I’m almost halfway through the fifth one! So I did my best!
Draw 2 more character posters for my D&D group. I drew 2 characters last year for my friends and framed both drawings, and they turned out so well and were so fun to make that I want to draw our entire party like that. However, they also took a lot of time, so 2 in a year should work. – Success! I drew one more character poster, and then made a drawing of our entire party for our DM. Currently, the only character that’s still left to draw is my own, so I will hopefully finish that one next year!
Other Goals:
Finish the following 3 games: Life is Strange: Before the Storm, Subnautica: Below Zero, and Skyrim. If I finish other games that is cool too, but these are the ones I really want to finally finish! – Okay, so here’s the thing. I finished quite a few games this year: Life is Strange: Before the Storm (as I said I would!), The original Life is Strange, Spider-Man, Spider-Man: Miles Morales, Stray, Professor Layton and the Spectre’s Call… and I also once again played a lot of Sims, so overall not such a bad year! But did I finish Skyrim and Subnautica: Below Zero? ……..
Finish the Heartstopper comics and watch the Netflix show – yes and no. I finished the Heartstopper comics, but then a new one came out in December which I don’t own yet. As for the show, I finished the first season! And then the second one came out, which I haven’t watched yet. So…. Kind of? But not really…
Check out some Doctor Who audio adventures! I put those off for when I needed to recover for surgery, so I should really actually listen to some of them while I’m recovering from my surgery. – Again, yes and no. I did check one out, but I only did so this week, and I haven’t gotten very far into them, so… yes? But not really in the way I meant.
If I do actually manage to get a piano, I want to start playing regularly again. It’s been way too long since I’ve done that (however, if I don’t manage to get a piano, I won’t count it as a fail, but will leave this goal for 2024, since I don’t know if I’ll be in the position to get a piano this year) – Hmmm, another ambiguous one. I don’t own a piano yet, but I am trying to get into the habit to play at least once a week, for about an hour on Sunday mornings. I haven’t really built up the habit yet, but I am working on it. So… kind of?
So that’s 19 total of which there were 8 successes, 8 fails, and 3 ambiguous answers. Honestly, I don’t think that’s so bad! I thought it would be worse, but I honestly did quite well this year, if I may say so myself! Only the reading goals could use a lot more work next year…
Expectations for 2024
This time, I find it much harder than usual to kind of know what to expect next year. I used to have a bit of an idea how a year would go, with school and university and all, but now? I don’t know. The future feels very blank and empty right now, which sounds kind of depressing but could also be a good thing. Empty means open, and open means that anything could happen. There could be so many cool things waiting for me this year without me even knowing it yet!
But a prediction like this is of course no fun without any specific examples, so I’m just going to try and guess what I think is going to happen. After all, the more wrong I am, the more fun I will have next year when I look back on this. So, right now it looks like I will work at my current workplace until the end of June, after which I can either decide to stay or move on to something else. I think I will decide to move on. My work right now is fine, but not something I want to settle for, so if I get the opportunity do try out something else I will definitely take it. So my guess is I’ll keep doing my current job until June, and then move on to the next one. In the meantime, I think I will mostly spend my weekends focused on my hobbies and my social life. I will keep going to the gym each Tuesday (and hopefully get a bit fitter!), keep going to Choir every Thursday, and try to find out how to balance working full-time with having a lot of hobbies. I will also keep saving money each month, so that when I’ll finally find myself a house, I’ll have enough money to actually furnish it. I also think I might end up buying a car at some point, since that is just going to save me so much time (and maybe even money too!). So, if I look at how my saving is going right now, I might be able to buy a car somewhere in the summer, which I might actually do.
I also still want to move out next year, after I’ve saved some money. So I think I will spend the first six months saving, and will then start seriously looking for a place to live. I don’t know if I’ll be able to actually find something before the year ends, but I want to at least have put the wheels in motion by then. And if I do find a place to live, I think that can go two ways: either I find a place somewhere in the same area that I live now (so in either one of the biggest adjacent cities), or I will find a place with a friend and live in the city where I used to study back in the day. Either way, I think I would be happy to have my own place. And if I have a car, nothing is really that far away.
So I’ll work, buy a car, move out. Take another few steps on the great path of life. I’ll turn 25 in June, which is already a major milestone in and of itself, but I’ve also always thought that 25 would be the perfect time to meet a lifelong partner, so maybe I’ll actually get lucky this time! You never know what the future will hold, so I might as well dream a little.
I probably won’t make any major progress in my transition, but I will get closer to 2025 which will hopefully be the year of phalloplasty. Plus, for the type of surgery I chose, I’ll need to lose a bit more weight, so that will be another goal I will work on in 2024. I’ll try to eat healthy and take care of my body, and hopefully reach my first goal before my appointment in April.
As for the rest of my year, I think I’ll have to leave that open. I do think I’ll renew my contract in October if I get the opportunity to, but other than that I have no idea what the future will hold. I know I want another job eventually, but I don’t think I will make drastic changes this year. This year will just be for exploring. Exploring what I want, exploring what I am good at and how I like to spend my time. My guess is that 2024 will be a relatively calm year where my life stays roughly the same. But 2025… something tells me that will be the year of big changes. So maybe a bit of calm before the storm is exactly what I’ll need.
Oh, and ARTMS will probably release an album this year. I’m looking forward to that!
2024 Resolutions
And now it’s time for my favourite part! Plans for the next year! I’m excited, motivated, and probably way too ambitious because I’ve once again got many plans for the coming year! I’ve mentioned most of my major goals already in the previous section about my expectations, but I’ve also still got many smaller, hobby-related goals that I am quite excited about! First of all, I really want to make this year the year of reading and writing. I’ve been getting into reading again this week and I am really realizing how much I’ve missed it, so I’m going to try to work it back into my life again, and I’ve got a plan for that! I want to be much more intentional with my time this year. After all, I keep complaining that I don’t have enough time in a day, but then I proceed to spend two hours aimlessly scrolling on youtube. If I only manage to replace my youtube time with hobby time, I could already win so many hours back! And what better to spend those hours on than reading and writing?
But that’s enough of my waffling! Let’s get into this year’s resolutions!
Life goals
Save money. I finally have a stable income, and I don’t have any rent to pay yet, so that means it’s the perfect time for saving money! This time, I want to have reached my goal in at least two of my savings accounts, I want to be halfway to my goal in at least 4 accounts total, and want have saved at least 1/6th of my goal in my emergency backup fund.
Buy a car. I don’t know if I’ll actually end up doing this, but right now this is something I want to work towards, so I’m just putting it on the list.
Move out. It’s time. Once I’ve saved a bit of money, it really is time to move out. I’m almost 25, and I definitely don’t want to keep living with my mother for much longer now. Moving out is a big change, and it feels a bit scary to have to truly start relying on my own income and money-managing skills, but that’s exactly why I should do it. It’s going to be hard to find a place, but I’ll sure as hell give it my best shot!
Keep going to the gym, lose some fat, and build some muscle! For my surgery, I had to lose around 5 kilograms before April, and I have a feeling it’s only going to be more after that. I’m okay with that though. Before covid, back when I was still skinny and somewhat active, I weighed significantly less than I do now, and I don’t think it’s such a bad idea to get back to around that weight. So, to give myself an actual measurable goal: I want to weigh less than 70 kg in April, and around 65 kg by the end of the year. As for the muscle… I’ll count on pictures document my progress there!
Writing Goals
Finish writing a draft for the first half of my book. Originally, I wanted to have my whole draft finished by the end of the year, but looking at the speed of my writing right now and considering how busy I will be once work starts again, I think getting halfway there is a much more realistic goal. Though I love being ambitious, if my goals are too unrealistic I tend to give up, so I think I’ll actually accomplish more here by putting the bar a bit lower here. So finish half a draft! I don’t think I’ll be able to pinpoint exactly where the halfway point of my story is, but I think I’ll know whether or not I have reached that point next year. If anything, I think I probably should have written at least 8 chapters. Maybe 10…
Build a habit of writing. I want to try to find a fixed moment every week that I can devote to writing. How else am I ever going to finish that draft?
Reading Goals
Read 24 books! This year, I’m going to set my reading challenge at 24 books. It’s a bit of a random number, one book less than my previous goal, but 24 a year means exactly two books a month, and that feels reasonable!
I still want to work on trying to reduce the amount of unread books I own. However, I feel like trying to read all 19 books I own now, plus all the books I might buy and the books I might get as gifts throughout the year, is simply not feasible. Therefore, I think this time I will instead focus finishing at least half of the books I currently own. In fact, I think I’ll make a list of 10 books I own now that I want to have read by the end of the year. Those books are going to be:
The Hero of Ages
The Anatomy of Story
Rule of Wolves
Aru Shah and the Nectar of Immortality
Cress
If We Were Villains
The Dawn of Yangchen
Gregor and the Prophecy of Bane
Gregor and the Curse of the Warmbloods
The Fault in Our Stars
Read more non-fiction books and classics on my phone! One way I feel like I can significantly increase the amount of time I spend reading is by reading more books on my phone! Usually, the biggest reason why I don’t read while travelling is simply because pulling out my book often feels inconvenient. Either it’s busy and I have to stand, or my bag is so full I can’t find my book, or I only have a few minutes before I’ll have to stuff my book back in my bag again and rush out of the vehicle. But what do I always do in those situations? I pull out my phone. So if I just purchase some books in google books – something like non-fiction because it reads similarly to a webpage, or maybe a few classics because those tend to be quite cheap on there – and read those instead of scrolling reddit… I think that would be good for my reading goal! So this year, I want to have purchased and read at least 3 books on my phone!
Read 4 classics! Like I said, I want to keep reading classics, especially since I’ve been enjoying reading classics so much more now that I no longer have to. As for which ones… well, I definitely want to have read 1984 at least once. I also really want to read more Virginia Woolf, so I want to read at least one of her books this year.
Finish 5 series! Currently, I’m in the middle of 10 series, and that’s way too many. So I want to finish at least 5 of them. I especially want to finish Aru Shah, The King of Scars Duology, The Mistborn Trilogy, and the Lunar Chronicles. The 5th one I’ll leave open for myself. I guess that one is going to depend on what I feel like reading this year!
Finish my Heroes of Olympus Reread. I reread the first three books of this trilogy in 2022 and then never continued… I really want to reread the final two books in the series as well.
Art Goals
Finish the character poster of my own D&D character! I already have the frame ready, and it’s starting to look so cool. I really want to finish this drawing as soon as I can!
Finish at least 1 of the two art projects that I have planned for my D&D group. I won’t go into detail here in case one of them ends up reading this, but I have two pretty cool art-related gift ideas for my D&D group, and I want to have finished at least one of them!
Draw 5 digital character posters. I really want to develop my digital art skills, as well as create some more character posters for some of my own characters. What better way to work on both of those goals by combining the two and drawing some digital posters?
Finally use the paint my grandparents gave me last year, and make a painting
Fill 2-5 pages in my physical sketchbook with coloured drawings, using the new coloured pencils I bought this month. I bought these pencils for a reason. I want to learn how to use them.
Other Goals
Finish 5 games. I’m once again going to try to finish Subnautica: Below Zero and Skyrim, since it’s starting to bother me that I still haven’t yet. This is probably going to be the third year in a row that I’m going to try to finish Skyrim… I better actually do it this time. As for the other three, I definitely want to finish Baldur’s Gate. I also want to finish my replay of Detroit: Become Human, as it would be a shame to quit halfway through. As for the final game… I don’t know. Maybe if I ever come into the possession of a PlayStation 5, I’ll finally get to play Spider-Man 2! If not, we’ll see! I’m sure I’ll find a nice game that I really want to finish next year!
Actually properly check out the Doctor Who audio adventures. I’ve started one of them and really enjoyed it, so next year I want to have listened to at least 4 full 8th Doctor Adventures CD’s on Spotify. I have a feeling I will like those
And that is about all I can think of! Really, I feel like if only I can manage to free up enough time to work on these goals, 2024 could be a wonderful year! I may not have my dream life just yet, but that doesn’t mean I never will. I’ll keep working towards my goals, and hopefully get closer to finding out what my ideal life looks like every year. I don’t know what this next year will have in store for me, but I’m ready to find out!
Last year's post: (x)
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I’ve not heard from my ex for a while, which is a good thing. I’m honestly proud of myself for not checking in on other social media.
That said…
Of course, things trickle down through third party, this time through my former in-laws, specifically my former SIL.
Apparently, 1400 goes to family dinners, which is fine by me. I did ask him to check in now and then, make sure they’re okay (more so my kids than former in-laws), cause like me, my former SIL is stubborn and doesn’t say anything when things are off. I digress.
Anyways. I suppose after months of silent treatment between the siblings (my ex and my former SIL), he calls her up during a belated birthday family dinner, gets to talking, and apparently asks about me, at which 1400 perks up and starts listening in (not that I approve but I can’t blame him). At one point or another, my ex must’ve stated something along the lines of “She really hates me”, at which 1400 flipped his shit and, according to my former SIL, first started cussing my ex out, then asked what exactly he expected the outcome to be and what he keeps wanting from me. It’s kind of important to remember here that my ex is the one who wanted out.
Anyhow. It turns out that my ex is under the impression -now this is according to 1400 and my former SIL- that we split amicably. Nothing could be farther from the truth. “Now why would he think that?” you ask. It’s because I didn’t get loud. Well technically, I did. Except, he wasn’t there to witness that cause he handled almost everything via… you guessed it… emails, just like when he’d asked for divorce. Because he was too chicken to, both, watch me break down and cry and hear me yell at him, maybe throw some shit his way.
The few moments he was around, and there were only two or three after he asked to split, I tried to stay composed as much as I could, otherwise, I’d have ended up in jail. (That would’ve been especially bad the very last time I saw him, which was 3ish weeks before my last surgery.) You can thank 1400 for that, btw, as he kept reminding me to keep a cool head and not give my ex the satisfaction.
I suppose, I regret not having gotten loud. I may also regret that I didn’t take a chainsaw to his shit. I really really should have. And then packed it up like that and instructed the movers to ship his shit as is. It fucking irritates me to this day that WE handled all that clearing shit for him because he was too afraid to face us. His excuse of no time is invalid as he clearly had time to visit his w**** while my kids and their S.O.s, 1400, and I broke our backs to get shit packed and shipped.
Maybe, he will get the hint once he opens the storage unit to which his HHG shipped to. I may not have broken his shit, but I decided to add almost everything that reminded me of us to his shipment, to include every single gift I’d ever received from him. And lemme tell ya, in 24 years of marriage, there’s a lot of stuff that accumulates. I’m still debating if I’ll send him all the letters he’s ever written me in torn little pieces, along with my ring melted into a little hand flipping him off. Would that be too petty? Hmmm…
I’m just trying to get over this. And him. I don’t need or want him asking how I am. Nor do I want him to find out through others, hence why I didn’t post much about my trip via my other social media. I know, living my best life is the best revenge. And I suppose I could rub it into his face by posting damn near explicit selfies with 1400. But I believe that my ex doesn’t deserve even a glimpse to the new, still improving me.
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2022, An Introspective Retrospective:
As the year comes to an end once more, each one feeling shorter than the last, I am of course in a reflective mood. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, as the man said.
Covid continues to exist, and I continue to shield for my own safety. If anything, I have to try harder now than I did when the pandemic was new and shiny. The frustrating truth is that The Public™️ is bored of all these tiresome life-saving safety measures, and the likelihood of me getting coughed on by a plague-carrier in public is at an all-time high. Life in the high-risk category is low-fun. Do me (and yourself) a favour and wear a damn mask if you can.
I spent the first half of the year working diligently to put the finishing touches on my album, Star Stuff. I had been working on it in a low-pressure way since 2019, when I first considered making a solo album in my then-new flat. Three years and one pandemic later, I finally finished recording, producing and mixing the music, got it mastered by Jon Clayton at the ever-trusty One Cat Studio, and set to work preparing all the promotional materials. It was a big project for one person to undertake, hence it taking such a bloody long time. But I’m proud of the results. I think it might be the best music I’ve ever made (unquestionably the best I’ve done solo), though it was also a lonely process.
The album led to my second time on the cover of Nightshift, nice reviews in Nightshift and OMS, airplay on BBC Oxford and interviews on Melting Pot and Riverside Rhythms. And the music video for Gene Kelly is on the Telly, directed by Laima Bite, was screened at the Ultimate Picture Palace (my favourite cinema!) as part of Divine Schism’s ten year anniversary celebrations. Not bad considering I have been entirely unable to gig for the third year running, making recorded music and remote appearances the only way for my music to reach people. I’m very thankful for everyone who collaborated, promoted, and offered moral support. I will admit a certain amount of envy for all the artists who have been able to resume gigging, I feel at a distinct disadvantage musically — but then I think of some of my favourite studio-bound artists, like Robert Wyatt and XTC, and remind myself that gigging isn’t the be-all and end-all for every artist.
The final third of the year was unprecedented. I developed an abscess in August, and at the end of the month I was rushed to hospital. Surgery took place on the first day of September, and my scheduled album release was finalised from my hospital bed the very next day. (That is to say, I pressed the “release” button on Bandcamp — you have to do it manually for some reason.) I’ll spare you the gory details, but I’ll just say that it was probably the single most physically painful experience of my life so far. My week in hospital was also the farthest from home I’ve been since the start of the pandemic, and the longest I’ve been away from home since I can’t even remember when. The change of scenery and the social contact was a mixture of exhausting, terrifying, and oddly welcome. But it was a relief to get home, and I’ve made a huge amount of progress healing from surgery these past few months. I don’t know how long it’ll take to get Back To Normal, or what my new normal might look like compared to the old, but my approach to healing is the same as to shielding: It takes as long as it takes.
In the meantime I’ve kept myself occupied with books (whether printed, electronic, or audio), chats with lovely friends, online roleplaying games (not like that, dirty… okay *mostly* not like that!) and board games, radio comedy, and the Nintendo Switch I bought myself as a reward for making it through the hospital experience. I have been hooked on The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild for the past couple of months, what a magnificent game! I have been rather neglecting the other games in my collection, but there’s plenty of time to get to them next year. (My profile tells me I’ve played approximately 70 hours of Zelda, compared with a paltry 5 hours of Mario Kart 8. Which is why my younger nibling can beat me in EVERY race.)
Being stuck in bed has also given me extra time to reflect, and I finally came to the belated but obvious-in-hindsight conclusion that I am autistic. Many of the friends I feel most comfortable with are also either autistic or some other form of “neurospicy”, and the number of “haha, I do that!” moments I’ve had from social media posts about autism finally became too great to ignore. The lists, the special interests, the self-imposed daily routines, the anxiety caused by bad sensory input, the social discomfort and dislike of eye contact! How did I not see this before?! (Not to mention the huge overlap in the Venn diagram of queerness, kink, and autism. Yeah. All of that.) The more I read, the more I realise that so many of my habits and reactions are closely associated with autism. If it looks like an autistic duck and quacks like an autistic duck…
I am hoping my health will improve next year to the point that I can resume working on music. I have several new songs already demoed in healthier days, some of which could probably be mixed and released as-is, so even if it takes longer to get back to performing, at least I have something to work on in the meantime. There are also potential new projects in the pipeline that I am excited to explore when that’s physically possible. Apart from that, I expect next year will feature more books, more gaming, and more friendship. I hope I will also reignite my love of film — I watched a mere 11 films this year, easily my lowest showing since records began!
Anyway, thank you to everyone who has been here for me this year, whether we spoke every day or just had a little chat here and there. Thank you to those who listened to my music, especially if you shared it with others. Thank you if you laughed at my silly jokes and sent me some of your own. Social media is my main window on the world right now, so thank you all for blooming in my little window box.
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Tag Game To Better Know You! Send this to people you'd like to know better!
Tagged by @yarn-dragon
What book are you currently reading?
Kith and Kin by Marieke Nijkamp! I’ve had it for over a year and have just gotten around to actually reading it lol
What’s your favorite movie you saw in theaters this year?
The only movie I remember seeing in theatres this year is the Dune movie, so that one wins by default. I do have more plans in the works to see more movies next year though, namely the Mario movie, and the DnD movie.
What do you usually wear?
Jeans or yoga pants/leggings, with graphic tees in the summer and graphic sweaters in the winter, or a graphic tee with a jacket over it if the temperature is right. Most of the tops I own are merch for various dnd actual plays, most of which are Critical Role because they make good quality clothing.
How tall are you?
5′5″
What’s your star sign? Do you share a birthday with a celebrity or historical event?
Gemini! I found out last year that Kyle from Unprepared Casters and I share a birthday.
Do you go by your name or a nickname?
My name irl, I go by Petall in online spaces and on the occasions where I have met internet friends irl.
Did you grow up to become what you wanted to be as a child?
Growing up I was deadset on becoming a veterinarian. From the time I was 9 to the time I was in Grade 12 I seriously pursued this as a goal. I volunteered at vet clinics, looked for opportunities to watch surgeries, and took all the high school sciences I would need. Then the first week of Grade 12 I realized that becoming a veterinarian would take a lot of time and not give me much of a social life, and I wanted to be more present for the people in my life, so I decided to work with people instead. I just got my Bachelor’s Degree in Child and Youth Care and I have a job at an Emergency Youth Shelter.
What’s something you’re good at vs something you’re bad at?
I’m really good at writing (and writing lots), I do a lot of creative writing in my spare time. I am not very good at sports, or anything athletic.
If you draw/write, or create in any way, what's your favorite picture/favorite line/favorite etc. from something you created this year?
I am insanely proud of this paper lantern that I made for a final project in an art class I took as an elective early this year! It’s meant to depict Lottie from arc 6 of Unprepared Casters, as well as her ghost friends. I still have it hanging up in my room.
Dogs or cats?
I do like both, but I probably lean more towards dogs than cats
What's something you would like to create content for?
I would really love to be on one of my favourite DnD actual plays, but I am a cast member for a Minecraft DnD actual play podcast coming out in the new year! I still feel like joining the cast of one of the actual plays I listen to is a pipe dream, but I am excited to be entering that sphere and hope it opens up other opportunities in other smaller actual plays!
I also really want to stream myself doing a series of pokemon nuzlockes, but my schedule is too unpredictable rn to settle into a routine with that, so that’s a future plan.
What’s something you’re currently obsessed with?
Unprepared Casters, always. Also, boy howdy, Dimension 20: Neverafter sure has a hold on me rn, the brainrot is real.
What's something you were excited about that turned out to be disappointing this year?
I was really excited to get my job in Out of School Care at the same place I worked summer camp at, but while I love working with kids, working with youth at my practicum placement (and now part-time job now that my practicum is done) has lead me to see I much prefer working with an older age group. Once an opportunity for a full-time position at the youth shelter opens up, I plan on giving my notice to the Out of School Care position, but until that happens I plan to see out the school year to follow through on my contract.
What’s a hidden talent of yours?
My middle sibling and I are really good at doing spontaneous improv bits together and I wish I could show them off, but we never plan them and attempting to film them would not allow it to happen naturally.
What's something you wish to have at this moment?
I want my cold to go away :( I have been sick for the past several days and have had to cancel multiple fun plans as a result :(((( Let me get better so I can enjoy Christmas shenanigans!!!!!! I want clear nostrils again!!! My body faked me out yesterday and I felt better for most of the day, then I took a nose-dive in the evening and I feel worse than ever :(((((((((((
No pressure tags to @loudobjectprincess @jimbothy-magma @winter-changeling and anyone else who wants to do it! I would tag more but cold sick brain fog :((((
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Hi!
I loved the match up you did for me with gorou, I couldn't stop smiling while reading it and it was so perfect
If its ok to ask for a second one, I'd like to request another romantic match-up for bungo stray dogs
Here's my Info again:
I’m non-binary and I use all pronouns, but most times i like to lean towards they/them. I'd like to be referred to as Mika.
I’m pansexual but I’d like to be matched up with a male since most of my favs are male
I'm afab and I'm 171 cm tall. I have pale skin and green eyes, and long eyelashes that I'm very proud of. I have really light brown and curly hair, and i had it cut short in a pixie cut, but its started to grow a bit at the back. I have an athletic body shape, and I prefer to wear a binder to appear more androgynous even though I have a small chest size. I'm considering getting top surgery though. My style is dark Akademiya and alt depending on how i feel.
My personality type is INTJ 5w6, I’m similar to Diluc and Scaramouche the most. I come off as cold and unwelcoming to most people at first and I'm very closed off, but I’m very warm and chaotic once you get to know me. I have a hard time talking to others because I’m very shy, but I’m loud, chaotic and teasing to people I’m comfortable with, more like Heizou and Childe. I also heavily relate to Dazai, Akutagawa and Atsushi. I value loyalty and comfort above all else, and I try my best to make sure the people I care about know this even though I have a hard time at expressing how I feel. I speak through actions rather than words. I also have some autistic traits.
I don’t really have a main aesthetic, but recently my style has been more dark Akademiya. I like to appear well-dressed in button-ups, turtlenecks, slacks and trench coats. I also really like flannel, my favourite colour is red although i own several in many colours.
I tend to have a saviour complex, I want to be a detective when I’m older and use my brain to help others.
As for hobbies, I’m an artist and musician. I’m very picky with my tools and prefer to work digitally with the best programs and brushes I can get my hands on. My work has no meaning, I just draw what I like and what appeals to me. I draw for my friends on their birthdays. I use art to show that I care, putting lots of work to draw a character my friends care about is how I show that I care, I want to take time and effort to show them that I care. I can play the guitar and sing and dance too. Sometimes i compose and write songs. I also love reading in my spare time, I’m a maladaptive daydreamer, and spend a lot of time immersing myself in fictional worlds.
For a romantic partner, I see the personality above all else. I have no preference for gender, as long as they’re someone gentle and loyal. I also love a good sense of humour
My love languages are quality time and physical touch (giving and receiving), since I’m very touch-starved, I like to be physically close to my loved ones. But i overthink a lot, so I also like to be reassured that my partner cares. I don’t have much experience in relationships, but I’m a hopeless romantic.
You have been matched up with...Atsushi Nakajima!
"You've got the wrong idea. I'm not strong, and I'm not popular. In fact, my entire life has been cursed. I know full well how you feel, envying and hating everyone around you." — Atsushi to Lucy
How you two met:
A new case at the detective agency has been assigned to Atsushi, and he has been instructed to look out for "a sprouting new detective" on the scene. When Atsushi arrives, he can't help but curse Dazai for his horrible ability of describing people, until someone from behind taps him on the shoulder.
Atsushi was glancing around the area, searching for someone he had no idea how to identify
He didn't have to look for long, though, as he felt a couple of light taps on his shoulder
He turned himself around, and saw you, staring at him, almost dauntingly
He jumped back a little, in shock
You walked towards him, and asked him if he was ready to start the investigation
Albeit quite nervously, he said yes, and the two of you began to work together on the case
Two things had happened at this place- one stolen artifact, and one murdered person
Atsushi didn't really know where to start, but he was able to do two things- connect the murder to the stolen artifact
The person seemed to be wearing an outfit related to the facility, although it was hard to tell what part
The artifact stolen was an antique mirror, and the reasons behind the theft were also largely unknown
Both of you had very little to work with in terms of investigation and deduction, but you were able to notice some key details
There were small wooden shavings strewn around some spots of the room, and they seemed to fit the description of the type of wood used on the mirror
On the victim as well, there were a couple of small chipped pieces of wood
From this, you concluded that the mirror was definitely directly involved in the murder
You shared your deductions with Atsushi, and he recommended checking to see if there was any sort of path made by the wood, and there was
The two of you worked from there, and eventually came to the conclusion that the mirror was used as a weapon to physically impair the victim, and it eventually lead to his death due to a lack of immediate care
As for the culprit, that was for another day, as it had already gotten to be terribly late, and the two of you needed to head home
One night passed by, and Atsushi fell asleep with fairly pleasant thoughts. He had quite enjoyed working with you on the case so far, and looked forward to closing it off with you tomorrow. The next day came quicker than he could've thought, and he headed back to the site.
You were already hard at work, inspecting the area for any possible pointers on who the culprit could be
Atsushi had approached you, and greeted you with a quiet hello
You turned to him, and gave a light smile in response, before turning back to what you were inspecting
Atsushi felt quite happy with your response, and asked you what you were doing
As you pointed at the ground, you began to explain that there was a very light imprint on the carpet that didn't seem to match anyone's shoes, and that it was likely that these were the culprit's prints
He remembered seeing footprints elsewhere in the building, and went over to check if they were still there
Luckily for him, they led out to an exit in the building, and although there weren't any terribly obvious indicators of where the person went, he was still glad to have found another clue
A couple of hours had passed by, and more work was done, until you two were able to identify who had committed the crime
After the police were sent off to go find the person, he caught your attention before you began to leave
He approached you with a very light blush on his face, and with a visible nervousness to him
"This is definitely the worst place to tell you, but...I-I think I've fallen in love with you-! I know you might be weirded out by that, because we met yesterday and all, but please consider visiting me again, at least!"
Why you two are compatible:
"Suddenly, an idea came to me. A foolish idea that I can't get out of my mind. If I have any chance of saving them all, of returning them home safely, would that mean it's okay for me to keep on living?"
Your initially colder disposition might've put him off a bit, but as you two would spend more time together, he would really warm up to you a lot more
I don't know in what ways you relate to him, but I think he'd be very positively receptive of that, meaning that he would be very understanding about it
I think that his generally kind personality towards most people would pair well with your personality
His tendency to view people in absolutes is likely another reason that your relationship would work well
Atsushi would most likely see you in a morally righteous position, where he almost admires you for your want to save people
I think that with the way you would naturally warm up to him as the relationship progresses is probably another reason why the two of you would work well in a relationship together
I have a strong feeling that Atsushi's primary love language is also physical touch, primarily because of how he was raised
Although, I think he'd be receptive to any form of love
His personality as a whole generally seems like it would do well with yours
Relationship Headcanons:
Chances are, he's either trying to get you to join the Armed Detective Agency, or he's already succeeded in doing so
Working alongside you would probably make him quite happy
I think he might become a little dependent on you for a lot of things, but not in an unhealthy way
More so in a way where he now has someone he can almost completely latch onto without any worries
Whether or not you have an ability, he's probably still going to be incredibly fascinated by anything and everything that you do
Atsushi would definitely be interested in your artistic talents, and would constantly try to interact with/understand what you make
I believe that he fits very well into your ideal qualities in a partner
He'd most definitely be incredibly loyal to you, whether it be him willingly being nearby you at all times, protecting you, or something else
He'd be very gentle to, not only because it's in his nature, but also because he cares for you quite a bit
Atsushi seems like he would also be very appreciative of you, and would constantly be reassuring you, complimenting you, and generally just ensuring that you're comfortable
New Years Headcanons:
Atsushi was stuck at his desk, frustrated
He had been thinking things over for around a week now, and he still hadn't figured anything out for New Years
Sure, he had the basics, like some gifts and all that, but he couldn't think of anything special
Paired with that, is a stack of papers that he had to finish before he left work
He sighed, and began to slowly clear the papers, until he had an idea
He knew that he wouldn't be able to do anything terribly extravagant, but he knew that he could at least take you to see some attractions
Atsushi decided that once he was done with his work, he could take you out for dinner, and then he could work his way from there
With his newfound motivation, he cleared through the stack of papers, and went out on his way to take you to dinner
Once he had gotten to your home, he already had plans for what to do after
He would take you to get desserts, and then he would lead you off to a nice clearing where you could see the sky, completely undisturbed
Over dinner, he was excited, and cheerful
Afterwards, he took you to get crepes and various other sweets, and with boundless energy he took you across various parts of Yokohama
By the time he was finished, it was already quite late at night, with roughly an hour left until twelve
He took your hand, and grasped it tightly as he began to run towards the clearing
He stopped abruptly once he had arrived, and turned to you with a smile
"It looks like we arrived a bit early, but that's alright. We can spend more time together, because of that! Happy New Years, Mika- I really hope I made this day special for you."
Afterword:
I'm glad you enjoyed the Gorou matchup! I hope you enjoyed this one just as much! (Also, after reading this over, I just realized how it turned out a little long-)
#bsd atsushi#atsushi nakajima#bsd matchup#zenki's matchups#matchups#atsushi x you#bsd x you#bungou stray dogs
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Hello! I am a 36 year old female who once was normal. I think my life started becoming fucked up when I was 11 and diagnosed with Colitis. I had to get surgeries to get my colon removed and a new one made and placed back in.
This was the beginning of feeling like I was “different”. I didn’t have friends, I never acted like a kid. I was constantly in pain and very very sick. I gained a lot of weight from the steroids they put me on which set me up to be the biggest target for bullies at school. At 11 I was taught I was ugly and fat and “no one would ever want me”. I was taught that my self worth was determined on my weight.
My parents don’t express feelings or ever “talk about things”, so I never did either. I felt pain and I kept it in. I kept all of my negative thoughts about myself in. “I rather be dead than live this life”. “I’m so disgusting I hate my body so much”. No one ever told me they were proud of me, no one ever told me I am beautiful, no one ever told me “it’s ok to be bigger you are very sick and our main focus is to get healthy”.
Someone was there for me. That someone was food. Food was safe. I didn’t have to talk to food. Food always made me feel better. This is where I developed my first addiction: binge eating.
I would lie about not eating lunch, I would hide food and eat it in my room. And when I was caught I was told “you don’t need that”. Which made me feel super insecure and guilty. I started becoming very obese but I couldn’t stop. It was like I created this monster and it had grown roots into me and was going NO WHERE.
When I was done going through surgeries I was put on a diet. Me and my mom would go to weight watchers. We actually bonded on this because she had been over weight her whole adult life. She made me feel like my body wasn’t okay, like I needed to fix it then my entire life would be better.
This is where my life changed into this non-stop cycle of yo-yo dieting. I would lose the weight, but I couldn’t maintain it. I would get frustrated and give up and gain all the weight back plus more. Even when my weight was at my lowest I was still constantly being judged by mom on my appearance and still not being good enough for her. “You still have back fat” “I can see fat rolls on you you need a bigger shirt”
This wasn’t all my mother’s fault. My dad was never there for me. When I was at my sickest he “couldnt be around because he had to work”. Even now 25 years later he is still to this day “too busy with work”. He is on his own planet. And I’m just kind of “there”. As with my mom, no communication, no conversations, no telling me “I’m proud of you” or acting interested in all in my life.
I’ve been thinking about my parents a lot lately and our current relationship. It’s so painful to me. I talk about it to different therapist and they always suggest me making an effort. Asking them why we don’t talk or how I would prefer them to respond to me being upset. BUT WHY. WHY IS IT MY JOB? Im too bitter, im too angry and lastly THEY WOULDNT CARE. I have brought up the topics of how I feel and how I wish things were. My mom thinks I’m crazy and doesn’t understand why I think those things are true. My dad, just honestly doesn’t give a fuck.
Will share more later.
Signed,
A lonely sad girl
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3, 9, 18, 22
3: How do I feel about my current WIP? I'm going to skip my Whumptober fills because they're always changing and talk about my longfic, Elenion Umbar. I'm proud of it. I haven't worked on it in a while and will need to reread it to get myself invested again, but I'm really proud of its concept and creativity.
9: Start to finish, how long did it take you to write the last fic you posted? Less than 24 hours. It's not very long, it wasn't super hard. It went well though.
18: Share a deleted scene from a published fic. Hope this is interesting, it came from Collected Soul. Originally I was going to have Szayel ask to have Ichigo's hair cut in chapter 12, but I couldn't justify why so it got the chopping block.
~~~
I’m not doing the surgery with all that ugly fluorescent hair hanging in the brat’s eyes, Lord Aizen,” Szayel drawled; a rather rich insult coming from a man with (presumably natural) hot pink hair. At least Ichigo’s was a natural shade.
But his mind wasn’t in snark mode. All he could think was that this big scary pink Arrancar wanted to cut his hair all away, touch him.
He sniffed like a child, barely registering the snot that had dripped out of his nose by now with all the sobbing he’d been doing.
“Is he going to be cutting my hair?”
“Shhhh.” Aizen’s voice was calming, something that was fundamentally wrong but scratched Ichigo’s brain in just the right way so he couldn’t object. “It needs to be done, sweetie, but if you want I can do it instead of Szayelaporro. Would you like that?”
Unable to speak, Ichigo simply nodded.
Aizen got up and took a pair of scissors. At first Ichigo flinched away like a frightened little bird, but after some more soothing from Aizen he loosened just a slight bit, letting the blades shear through his hair.
“Don’t move, little one.” Aizen’s tone was almost melodious as he cut closer and closer to the scalp, thick ginger hair falling lifeless to the ground in lines radiating outwards from the poor broken child and the man who was systematically destroying him in every way he knew how.
~~~
22: Do I ever worry about public reaction to what I'm writing? ...yeah, I do, unfortunately. Some fics more than others, and there's some I get pretty nervous to pull the trigger on--Hellebore niger, the fic about Ichigo's disastrous coming out, is a recent one that comes to mind--but in the end, somehow I hit the publish button most of the time. Some fics that I'm too iffy on don't make the cut, but that's more often that they're not finished.
Thanks for the questions! 🖤🍓
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