#i’ve literally had all the classic posts on my mind on repeat for the past few months

[idiot-arih]

hello! i’m sorry that i was gone for so long. it’s literally almost been a year since i even touched this site. every day i saw notifications from here, but couldn’t work up the will to really open tumblr again or even reach out to the people that supported me the most. i’m sorry for continually promising to return just to disappear for an even longer period of time. my motivation and mental health has finally recovered enough for me to finally return. i hope you’ve all been well and i wish the best for all of you. i’m slowly starting to draw again and will hopefully be able to whip up some things that i’ve been planning on for over a year now. thank you for your patience and understanding. this time i mean it.

[wishingicouldfly]

I've been actively blogging for more than six months, even though I've had a tumblr account for ten years. I started reading One Direction (specifically Larry) fanfiction about the same time.

Originally, I read exclusively canon compliant fiction--I was hungry for industry insider, what-could-have-happened narratives. But I've slowly branched out into other genres. I find fanfic--good fanfic--super calming. When I've had too much stunting, too much noise, I grab a fanfic and immerse myself. So I thought it was time to do a post about my favorites. Keep in mind, I'm terrible at cataloging, and I have over 150 bookmarks on my A03 Account, so this is by no means an exhaustive list.

I'm not including the classics like Tired, Tired Sea and Escapade. While I do love both of those (so well written), because a lot of people know about those already.

My all time favorites are by @helloamhere

1. The Multipicity of Powers - https://archiveofourown.org/works/28580229

Maybe in another universe he isn’t different. Maybe he hadn’t been given an impossible choice. Maybe he wouldn’t have lost everything and broken everything and then fallen impossibly, irrevocably in love with the first next thing that was kind. Maybe in that universe he doesn’t feel like he’s never breathing, always pretending, teaching the kids even though they all have to learn alone, trying hard not to read the headlines, and so afraid, every day, that he won’t be a good enough teammate to the superhero he can’t live without. He knows that love isn’t supposed to feel this way, slid secret under your skin like a surgical razor, an invisible war held close over the tender vein that keeps you alive. On the other hand, Louis wonders, had he ever known how to do it any other way?

Maybe there’s a universe where he doesn’t have to keep all his secrets on the inside.

But this isn’t that universe.

//an X-Men AU.

Me: I never thought I'd love a super hero 1D cross over, but this is so well done. The backstory, the pacing, the characterization, the friendship. Read it.

2. Saving Symphony Hall and it's prequel Night Out - https://archiveofourown.org/works/12633921

“I think I have an idea,” Louis said. Slowly, and reluctantly, but with a growing sense of the inevitable. “God damnit, I think I have a really good idea.”

“Oh christ, that's the problem-solving face,” Babs said. “Last time we saw that face, he sold a company.”

“Wait, what?” Zayn asked.

“Right place, right time,” Louis said. “Also, fuck my life,”

“What?” Zayn repeated. Niall patted his hand.

“I usually just roll with whatever Louis is about to do,” he said. “It’s better for us all.”

“That’s the attitude,” said Louis, “I’ll tell you tomorrow. Tonight, I need to do some research. Zayn, give me your number. I’m gonna save our symphony.”

Me: The best sex scene I've ever read is in the prequel Night Out. Sexy, but tender. I love the characterizations in this duo--ABO but not traditional. Doesn't feel out of character.

3. Just Let Me -https://archiveofourown.org/works/11695350

The party was going well. So well, Niall had already sworn undying love to one multi-tiered chocolate cake, two friendly corgi-poodle mixes, Zayn’s hair, and the entire population of Los Angeles. So well, Zayn had only laughed and ruffled Niall’s hair and not even twitched towards a cigarette. So well, nearly everyone had spilled far past the boundaries of the night’s original plans, extracting bottles of vodka from the cabinets and losing a lot of clothes. Harry had proclaimed that he was finally going to throw a small and very grownup dinner party and of course here they were three hours later, fifty people half-naked in the pool. Soon to be full-naked, if Louis had to guess. Everybody in LA loved a heated pool. Everybody loved Harry.

Me: I love love love this. Harry is so gentle, and Louis is so stubborn and needy. It's ABO but subtle. I'll read this one again and again. It's comforting.

@HelloAmHere is one of the best writers I know--amazing stuff. I also love their werewolf story, but it's not finished, so I won't link it here.

Other favorites:

1. Seven Up by cherrystreet - https://archiveofourown.org/works/5828539

Very loosely based on the British TV show "The Up Series" and somewhat inspired by the song “Something I Need” by Onerepublic, we follow the lives of Harry Styles and Louis Tomlinson in an interview setting every seven years. They fall apart and come together, their lives and emotions recorded. Harry calls it a time capsule. Louis calls it a pain in the arse.

Me: Trigger Warning, major character death. I literally SOBBED through the end of this. It was lovely and devastating. So good. But be warned.

2. Light, Spark and Fire series by @greenfeelings

Life’s pretty ordinary for Harry. He lives with his best friend, got into university just like he’s planned, and manages to support himself just fine for an unbonded omega. If he sustains that lifestyle by getting paid to help alphas through their rut every now and then, that’s nothing to be hung up on. Until he’s hired by an alpha that turns everything upside down.

Or, Louis and Zayn run a music label, Liam is Britain’s up-and-coming pop star, Harry’s working on taking Louis’ walls down until he builds his own up, and Niall holds them all together without realising he does.

Me: A nice healthy three-parter. Characters you just want to live with for a while.

3. Relief Next to Me by dolce_piccante - https://archiveofourown.org/works/1117942

AU. What happens when a baker and a graphic designer meet via a very specific Craigslist post? Fate, friendship, food, and maybe more.

Me: This one is super long, so be prepared when you dive in. It's got a lot of lovely bits, and some great smut.

4. 2012 'Verse by ashavahishta - https://archiveofourown.org/series/27601

Me: This is a five-parter and satisfies my love of canon compliant stories. It spans most of 2012 and into 2013, and illustrates the difficulties of Harry and Louis' relationship amid the band success and management disapproval.

5. Love After the End of the World by mercurial-madhouse (writing_practice) - https://archiveofourown.org/works/31251434/chapters/77248901

Society shattered when all electricity suddenly cut off across the globe, plunging the world into darkness. Now, Prometheus Industries is the sole remaining supply of power, a saving grace to those who survived Lights Out. As fugitives in no-man’s land struggling to break into Prometheus HQ, death lurks around every corner for Louis and Zayn. Things get complicated when a routine recon falls apart and Louis collides with Harry and his mates Niall and Liam, survivors with their own agenda.

When staying alive is already a constant battle, the deadliest weakness is to be in love. For Harry and Louis, finding each other sits on top of the endless list of What Else Could Go Wrong.

Me: Really unusual (as far as I can tell) end of the world story. I loved the characterizations of soul mates here at the end of the world.

6. Flightless Bird by audreyhheart - https://archiveofourown.org/works/6401653/chapters/14656807

AU where Louis Tomlinson is a principal dancer with The Royal Ballet. When his rival from ballet school, moody dance prodigy Harry Styles joins the company, old wounds are reopened and old passions reignited. During the company's production of Swan Lake the secret that doomed their love is finally revealed, but will it be too late?

Me: Trigger Warning, sexual assault (by an original character to a major character). This was a little brutal because I hated to see a broken Harry, but it was well written and has a happy ending.

7. Wear It Like A Crown by zarah5 - https://archiveofourown.org/works/1816771/chapters/3900322

AU. As part of a team of fixers hired to handle a gay scandal in Buckingham Palace, Louis expects Prince Harry to be a lot of things—most notably a royally spoilt brat. Never mind that the very same Prince Harry used to star in quite a number of Louis' teenage fantasies.

Me: I loved Louis in this one--actually they are both pretty great. Scratch that, they are ALL pretty great.

8. Shake Me Down by AGreatPerhaps12 - https://archiveofourown.org/works/3331958/chapters/7285322

Harry's new to college, fresh out of Catholic school and conversion therapy camp, and Louis runs the campus LGBTQIA organization.

Me: I don't like the self-hate here, but it was necessary for the story and H comes around. Found family vibe.

9. Gods & Monsters by Velvetoscar - https://archiveofourown.org/works/2090982/chapters/4550871

The instructions were simple: seduce and destroy Harry Styles. Not once did they discuss the option of Louis actually falling in love. So, naturally, that's exactly what he did.

Me: I loved Harry in this one. Louis gets there. I don't like Liam, but I don't think you're supposed to. Zayn is great.

10. Own the Scars by crinkle-eyed-boo (KimmieRocks) - https://archiveofourown.org/series/1010796

Louis has never felt like he was good enough: for his stepdad, for his life-long best friend, for the life he's supposed to want. After an accident that nearly costs him his life, Louis' parents send him to rehab where he’s forced to face his demons. On the long and difficult road to recovery, Louis must confront the truths he’s been avoiding about his future, his relationships, and his sense of self-worth. Because before he can love anyone else, he’s got to learn how to love himself first.

Me: Harry is lovely in this one. Trigger warning, substance abuse and near death.

11. Wild Love by purpledaisy - https://archiveofourown.org/series/1030904

AU: Two best friends try to date each other for forty days. It's supposed to be fun until emotions make it complicated.

Me: I loved this way more than I thought I would. It's lovely and messy and I love it.

12. Victorian Boy by audreyhheart - https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rosann1986/readings?page=6

Victorian AU. Harry the virgin Duke of Somerset knows little of love, while Louis the sly Duke of Warwick knows too much. When the two dukes come together for the Bilsdale fox hunt in York, Harry finds himself drawn into Louis' bed. But when secrets from Louis' dark past come to light, Harry fears that the fox isn't the only one being hunted.

Me: Historical fiction I didn't intend to love. I LOVE Harry in this one. LOTS of smut, so be warned.

13. Keep Me Closer by zanni_scaramouche - https://archiveofourown.org/works/30752633

Louis expects Harry to react poorly, maybe even file a formal complaint and that’s gonna suck ass but Louis won’t say shit cause he knows he deserves it, so he prepares an apology before Harry’s even turned around.

What he doesn’t expect is Harry to fucking drop.

Me: lovely, protective Louis just trying to do the right thing.

14. Turning Page by purpledaisy for SockstheDog

https://archiveofourown.org/works/11826345

AU: Harry Styles tries to get lost in a place he’s never been.  Louis Tomlinson has been perfecting the art of being lost for years. What they don’t expect to find is each other.

Me: sweet love story. Niall owns a bar, and is pretty great.

15. Freedom Always Comes With a Price by Cyantific - https://archiveofourown.org/works/30278514/chapters/74624262

A shared dream brings them together onto the X-factor stage, but one decision changes Harry and Louis’ lives overnight. Thrust into a world of instant stardom, they're forced to live a lie to sustain their dreams, but years of living in the shadows and under strict management takes its toll.

With the bands impending hiatus, there’s no better time for change, so they think.

Desperate for a solution, they turn to an unlikely source with a radical plan. An unfortunate accident sets everything in motion, but not how they intended, leaving Louis’ memories altered, Harry broken-hearted and full of regret.

Can Harry figure out a way to fix everything? Will he even want to once he sees how Louis moved on after the hiatus? Will Louis ever find out the truth of their past and can he forgive Harry after all this time?

In the end, two friends find out that memories are elusive, trust is everything and love is the only antidote.

Me: Heartbreaking when they lose each other, but really good in the end.

16. Little Technicolor Things by scary_crow - https://archiveofourown.org/works/6025519/chapters/13821628

Louis is a poor writer and recent university graduate, depressed, anxious, and living in London when he meets Harry, an artist with a secret who likes to paint sunrises and pretty boys from California.

17. Hold You Now by solvetheminourdreams - https://archiveofourown.org/works/30253536/chapters/74556744

Three years ago, Harry Styles said goodbye to communications consultancy firm McQuiston Worldwide, leaving a life of travel and agency PR behind. When he accompanies his best friend to a family wedding across the Atlantic, he'll be forced to reopen old wounds and face his past—one that no one wants to hash out, but may just have to.

Me: Niall is great. They almost miss each other in this one, and you just want to bash them over the head. But they figure it out.

18. At Risk, I Fold by clare328 - https://archiveofourown.org/works/26542480

2015 is a stream of hotel rooms and whisky on the rocks, tired glances and touching hands under tables. It’s the bears and the bees under a rainbow sky, and Harry and Louis have to figure out how to grow up together, instead of apart.

Me: A canon compliant fic that feels like it could have really happened. Set in 2015. Lovely first chapter and scene where Harry writes If I Could Fly--i could read that chapter over and over.

19. Into The Blue by zarah5 - https://archiveofourown.org/works/1035822/chapters/2065499

AU. In which Louis is Harry's scuba instructor and quite happy to provide the requested special treatment, pun fully intended. It can't be all that difficult to convince Harry that they're on the same page, right? Also, Niall and Liam may or may not be dating, and Zayn is surrounded by emotionally stunted idiots. He bears it with dignity.

Me: AKA the Scuba fic.

20. Tie Your Heart by ArcadianMaggie - https://archiveofourown.org/works/546688/chapters/973236

Harry grows wings.

Me: How can you not love a fic where Harry grows wings? Trigger warning: injury of a major character.

21. I think I'll end this here. My last and probably first favorite (read it more than once) is...

my heart is breathing for this moment in time by usedtothebeach - https://archiveofourown.org/works/934996/chapters/1820282

When Louis first saw Harry at the 2010 X Factor Auditions, he thought he was watching a peculiarly special stranger. But Harry has known Louis ever since he was five years old.

Because Louis has a rare genetic disorder that causes him to Time Travel to important moments in his past and in his future - and to Harry, always to Harry. When they're put into a band together, it seems like everything Harry has been waiting and wishing for has finally come true. Except for the small fact that Louis doesn't know that Harry is in love with him- that Harry's always been in love with him. Fate, it would seem, is just getting started.

A story about growing up and growing together, and the impossible love that makes it all worthwhile.

Me: I LOVED the Time Traveler's Wife by Audrey Niffenegger, and I'm a huge fan of time travel, so this is right up my alley. It's really well done, weaving canon into fantasy and then going years forward in tme. I love everything about it. Great character development. Really good smut. Trigger warning, there's a little underage sex, so be aware. Anyway, LOVE this one so much.

I'll add to this but it's already longer than I meant it to be.

[thisdreamplace]

7 Days of ‘I Am the Creator’ Meditation

Guidelines:

- ‘I Am the Creator’ Meditation

- SATS

Why?

Why not? haha Nah, these days were a lot more relaxed than the previous challenge I did. The main goal here was to continue deepening my knowing of who I truly am (God) and I can say, I’ve had a helluva time.

Reflection:

This is gonna be a pretty long reflection. Compared to my last little challenge, this one ended up being extremely reflective. So, get cozy. You’re in for a ride.

Okay, so this was an interesting 7 days. I battled with anxiety, feeling like I am the exception to the law (read through a lot of my asks this week, EIYPO is no joke haha), and just overall wondering if there’s any point in continuing this journey. I’ll just be real honest with y’all about how I’ve felt. It’s been a little ugly.

But the is answer is... yes, it’s always worth it to be on this journey. Especially because I can stop consciously living by the law if I want to... but I will continue to live by the law regardless, with my subconscious mind. So there’s no point in stopping persisting. My issue tends to be, what am I persisting for? And well, I came to some hard to swallow pills of realization as well lots of good realizations too. It’s been an emotional rollercoaster. But I will say, despite it, I have been able to keep some bursts of feel good energy here and there. All is not lost... it’s just truly a journey. A real lifestyle change I’ll keep going at until I wake up from this dream world.

Now, reflecting back on the meditation specifically.. I absolutely adore it. And I will continue to do it when I feel like it, because I just really enjoyed the concept. When I meditate, I’ve been allowing myself to use the infinity timer so I can go for as long as I feel is natural to me. (I use the app Insight Timer if anyone is interested!) Anyway, I average between 10-20 minutes. That being said, whew, this meditation! On the longer days, I was able to use this meditation as a way to calm my anxiety. On other days, the meditation absolutely overwhelmed me! When I got to the step of allowing myself to really FEEL what I wanted to feel... I’d feel overwhelmed. Shortness of breath, the absolute need to move. It was interesting. Some of the sensations you get during meditation are weird sometimes. haha I appreciated this meditation regardless, because I love the practice of the outer world no longer existing and allowing myself to be consumed in my mind, where I am home, where I am safe. Where I AM the creator and can literally have anything I want without a reason, other than the fact I want it.

Best Manifestations:

Mainly lots of passive manifestations. These 7 days really showed me that um... everything you reap will be sowed. Neville didn’t lie.

For example, a coworker randomly brought me the gift of a state flag... Thing is, there’s a state I love and adore and I will be moving there when I’m done with the things I want to finish where I currently live. A few weeks ago, I was looking up little flags for that state but didn’t end up buying any. Then she randomly brings me one? She knows I love the state. But it’s not like I was walking around asking for flags hahaha so that was cool

Then, I’ve wanted to watch Casablanca for a while. But I haven’t watched it because it’s not on any streaming sites for free. Then, I bring it up at work and my coworker so happens to have it on DVD. She brings it within a couple days and I get to watch it and I loved it. Maybe not the most exciting thing ever, but for me it was just another confirmation that yep, I am always manifesting. I will always end up getting what I want.

People have been mirroring my thoughts a lot more. I posted about one incident here, but also, people bring up something I am thinking about within seconds. Sometimes, not going to lie, this pisses me off. Sometimes it’s cool, sometimes it’s like no... I wanted ACTION. Not for us to simply talk about it? But regardless, it still shows the world is mirroring me. So, in a way, it’s still a form of success. haha And of course, the only failure is thinking you have failed. I will persist. Oh, and I played around with the basics of EIYPO (people are always like, decide what someone will wear!) lol so I chose the shirts of both of my coworkers one day. One was specific down to the actual t-shirt, the other was a pattern (plaid). They both walked into working wearing what I wanted them to wear, haha.

Plus, the things I want to know/find always pop up. Like, a Neville story I once heard but can no longer find. Information that will help me better understand the law coming up a few days after I want it. I have full confidence now I will always find what I need.

Best Self-Concept Improvements:

Information downloads!!!!!!!!!!!!

While, yes, I was kind of not in the best place emotionally, it kind of lead to some deep shit I needed to acknowledge. Like, at one point I got upset because I realized, I really have been trying to apply the law. Meanwhile, I’ve been applying the law effortlessly since the day I was born. I can stop trying to apply the law and I’ll still be living by the law. All of this hit me and it just made me feel like, yo... what am I even doing? If I am God, no matter what, what am I even doing? If I am manifesting naturally, why in the world am I trying?

During one of my meditations, I decided I want to give myself freedom. That’s what I wanted in the little world of my mind and the response I got was, “there is freedom in I Am-ness.” It was like, wait. What. I am right! I AM RIGHT. (Of course I am... lol, being God jokes.) Anyway, that little information download changed the game for me. That little phrase suddenly was the key. Let me explain further.

I ended up going on an affirmation walk that really turned more into a walking meditation. All I could repeat was, “I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM I AM”... yeah, you get it. And like, it made sense. It actually made sense. “I am. And because I am, everything is.” This was the sentence that would come up during this meditation and it actually made sense.

Finally, the hardest pill the swallow:

Responsibility. Taking responsibility. How funny is it that this podcast was dropped on my last day of doing this challenge. During these 7 days, I definitely had some victim mentality thoughts I entertained a bit. Like the classic, I’ve been working so hard at this and it’s like nothing is changing. (Not even true, I literally posts my successes here and keep track of others one on my notes app.) Well, here’s the hardest pill. Did Neville not say, to see change you must first change yourself? How in the world can I say I have changed, if I am able to comfortably think the same victim thoughts that got me the old story? Ouch.

This is one thing I really had to look at and accept about myself. And EIYPO. I will be tackling this concept, because it’s time to. I have stayed away from it. I understand it intellectually, but I have barely allowed myself to go beyond that because honestly... it means taking ALL the responsibility for my life. Because, people have been my weakness. My old story includes lots of feeling like I could die and no one would attend my funeral. Literally. This is a thought that would loop in my mind damn near all of the time back when I was immersed in the old story. Need I say more? EIYPO is actually a more sensitive subject to me than I allowed myself to accept. And now, it’s time to take responsibility and face it head on. Sometimes, the concept feels suffocating. But I know as I persist, it’ll all lead to my freedom.

Conclusion:

My biggest question during these 7 days was, am I focusing on the right things? Is it even worth it to keep focusing on my specific manifestations at this point? I think I got my answer and of course, it’s hazy. The answer is, no. But also yes. I just want to shift my focus a bit.

To what, exactly? To me. I thought about my journey for the past 7 months that I’ve been on. And I can honestly say, I have failed to manifest for me. I will for a few hours. Then I find an excuse for why it’s okay to think about the other things I want because hey, I want them. It has to do with me. What’s the difference? Well, there is a difference. One keeps me using manifestation as a technique and the other allows me to step into who I really am, as God. Have I had successes? Yeah, tons. But there’s something in all those articles I have refused to listen to. The parts that constantly say, “IT IS YOU. IT IS ALL YOU. YOU MUST GO WITHIN.” Like I get it, and I thought just persisting in what I want would be enough. But when you are able to so easily slip back into the old story like it’s nothing, like I did this week, that shows the state you are truly operating from. And yeah, I’ve made tons of progress. I get things I want quicker now and I am able to get a lot of the things I want, but I want to take this to the next level. Not just so I am getting things here and there, but so my entire life is a constant stream of me getting what I want. Even on the off days.

On these 7 days, I came across a post someone made where they showed their affirmations. One of them that stuck out to me was:

“I am always chosen, because I always choose myself.” Something about it kind of stuck with me. Could I say this affirmation has been true for me? No. I’m good at choosing myself in the outer world. But in the inner world? Nah. And it’s time to change that.

How will I do that? By following Neville’s first principal.

Be still and know that I am God.

“There is nothing to change but our concept of self. As soon as we succeed in transforming self, our world will dissolve and reshape itself in harmony with that which our change affirms.” - Neville Goddard

[sparksflamesembersashes]

Random musings on 10.18 Find Me

Other Carylers have spoken about the episode and their interpretations of it and what it means for Caryl and their future and I've been sharing those and don't have that much to add to what’s already been discussed. Others have written well thought out and detailed analyses and interpretations and said it way better than I ever could. Most of them have been writing about Caryl forever and I started less than a year ago. I do want to speak to some technical stuff and a few other things, since I never do know when to shut up. Spoilers for 10.18 below the cut.

Brief talk on techie stuff... Wow, the cinematography in the plus six are really taking it up a notch. 10.18 has some of the most gorgeous images in the history of the show. The colors, the framing, and Caryl; separated by a stretch of water that's a literal stand-in for the divide between them, in an episode stuffed with signs and symbols and parallels. "Find Me" has some of the most visually breathtaking shots in the history of TWD... and do you know why? Because the plus six were filmed on digital cameras, for the first time in the history of a show that has always been shot on 16 millimeter film. Turns out, the digital process not only has fewer "touch points" (thanks for nothing, COVID) but it's also cheaper, faster, and easier on the environment.

TWD almost switched to digital for Season 2, and while AK claims now that they can still give it that classic TWD look, in a 2019 interview posted on comicbook.com, she said they were committed to shooting on film to preserve it's look and feel (confirming that film and digital are noticeably not created equal, an opinion/truth they are apparently backing off of, now). If the new episodes look different, its because they are. I am torn between which style I prefer. The grainy, Kodak-y type images of TWD as shot on film are increasingly rare on any screen, simultaneously nostalgic and beautiful and born of toxicity. The gallons of chemicals used in developing standard film are not environmentally friendly and probably need to go the way of the dinosaur. 

Digital is wonderful in its own ways, so minute in its details, and can easily capture images and light conditions otherwise incredibly difficult to duplicate on actual film... But digital doesn't look the same, it doesn't feel the same, in the way that CD's and vinyl records don't sound the same. Purists curl their lip at the new and improved version of the medium, but the truth is,most people don't notice the differences.

TWD has always used the sun and the moon to their best visual advantage and both the celestial backdrops show up in "Find Me." The sun filtering through the trees onto Daryl or in his general direction has made repeat appearances in S10. Is this a metaphor for his finally finding his enlightenment? (Or is it nothing deeper than AMC uses the light to make everything look as cool as possible?) 

10.18 shows us more of Daryl's soul (in a single episode) than we've seen before. His character goes through all sorts of colors, screaming in the rainstorm, grimacing as puppy Dog licks his face, meeting and spending time with this strange, lonely, gruff, almost mirror reflection of himself, someone who is grieving and angry and alone. Fighting with Carol! A real fight, but an honest and not altogether unhealthy one. You gotta work through to acceptance and let go of the past before you can look forward to a future, and these two have enough trauma issues between them to fill a psychiatric journal. They’ve a long, arduous road ahead of them, but they WILL reach their destination. Together.

Daryl throwing the fish at Leah's door and Leah throwing the fish at Daryl are my favorite moments in the episode. I laughed out loud. I did not get the impression that they only encountered each other once every several months, I took it that the time jumps measured the progression of their relationship, i.e. that it took that long for them to warm up to each other. When Daryl did go to stay at Leah's, it was literally out of necessity, as he was getting frost bitten in the woods and probably would have lost at least a digit or two had he remained in his camp.

For the first time, I didn't really enjoy the Caryl banter? (Please don't hurt me.) There was a sadness, a tension, and a sense of loss there I just couldn't shake. Carol was trying to run away from the horrors of the Whisperer's aftermath, and Daryl knew it, and he was annoyed by it. Carol's attempts at lightheartedness seemed forced. I feel like Daryl is a man with a whole lot on his mind at this point, and that Carol is a woman who is habitually trying not to think about the real stuff if she can avoid it. She jokes and banters but she's almost too cheerful... or maybe it just seems that way because Daryl's so grim. Not grim as in we're-all-facing-our-end-of-days-doom grim, but not in a laughing mood where Carol's concerned. He thinks she's running again, and seeing Leah's cabin reminds him that Leah probably ran from him, too. He lost both his brothers, Rick and Merle. Daryl has abandonment issues and an overdeveloped sense of responsibility going back as far as we know. He loses people and can't find them again, no matter how much he searches. 

Revisiting Leah's cabin, the devastation of Alexandria, and everything that's been building up over, about, and because of Carol has pressurized within Daryl till he finally takes a shot, and who can blame him? But he also shows his development and maturity by trying to express his disappointment with controlled words of frustration (compared to camp- or barn-rage Daryl in S2), telling Carol exactly what it is she does that's widening the chasm between them. 

Carol to Daryl early in the episode "I don't want to lose you because you can't figure out when to stop," and Daryl to Carol "That's on you. 'Cause you don't know when to stop.") Daryl doesn't know when to stop searching for his lost brother and blaming himself for things, Carol didn't know when to stop her revenge-fueled pursuit of Alpha. Daryl also tells Carol "That's all that matters. You being right." (after she says she was right to go after and destroy Alpha to avenge her son.) At the end of the ep., Carol says it again: "I was right" (this time about their luck having run out), then she goes to fix the door. 

So now Caryl know and have established what gets each other's goat. That could be a good thing, but tptb will undoubtedly attempt to convince us its a bad thing,, ya think? Neither of the characters knowing when to stop and their mutual annoyance over the fact could be something the show runners milk for a while.

Î wanted to know whether Daryl went back to the cabin after leaving his note, to see whether Leah had returned to it, or not. I want to know what Carol did with the note. Did she take it with her, or did she put it back? They never showed us. Daryl seemed anxious and tense about her finding it, and I did not miss the symbolism of Carol being the woman who eventually finds the note Daryl left behind years ago: "I belong with you. Find me." I mean, how perfect is that? 

Contrary to spoilery bullshit stinking up the Twittersphere, Carol did not seem exactly “upset” at finding the note, though clearly she was sad. She knew exactly what the note was, so Daryl must’ve told her about it, that he left it. Maybe he didn't tell her exactly what it said or everything about Leah, but my impression was that she realized what it was and where they were, and it was all yesterday's news to her. Seeing the note seemed to make her sad for Daryl because she knows Daryl can't handle losing people, and that he punishes himself for failing to help or save people by pushing everybody away and isolating. 

Leah didn't so much choose to be there in the cabin as she ran for her life from a dangerous situation and the cabin was just the place where she and her bitten son ended up.

So many yawning gaps in the Leah storyline. How often did they see each other? Did Daryl move in with her toward the end of their relationship? I felt like he did after the time she found him freezing in the woods, but that he'd leave for days to go look for Rick, or hunt, or who tf knows. Maybe he'd leave to see or meet Carol. Carol knew about Leah, but when? Before, or after it was happening? Why is that important? I just want to know when he told her.  Really hoping they didn’t leave things purposely vague so they can fill in the gaps to screw with us later. 

Timing is everything. Like, how much time passed between Leah telling Daryl to choose, and the time Carol told Daryl she couldn't keep visiting? Or did he leave Leah's cabin and return to it that same day? Which would imply Leah abandoned Daryl practically the instant he walked out the door following her ultimatum. It seems like Daryl was gone a while, it was dark when Leah told him to choose, and daylight in the scene with Carol at his camp and when he was walking in the woods. It could have been days. That makes a difference. Leah was obviously not Daryl's first choice, no matter that he ran back to her in the end.

The fact that Carol knew about Daryl's relationship with Leah is a crafty move on the show runner's part because we can't really be pissed at Daryl if Carol knew about it the whole time and was cool with it.... but we all know now that Daryl didn't tell her everything. 

No one is talking about how Leah obviously abandoned Dog, she left him shut in the damn cabin for who knows how long after she left. And she DID leave. The cabin looked abandoned when Daryl left the note. He obviously went searching for her with Dog, but for how long? 

Not to say there was nothing between them, but I never felt for an instant that Leah had Daryl's heart, or that he ever offered it up to her in the first place, but I am also 100% sure that’s because I’m ride-or-die for Caryl and can’t bear to entertain the thought. No matter what else they were, Daryl and Leah are isolated, damaged, traumatized people who wanted someone to hold on to. Someone to try and forget with. It's not like there were a lot of other people around to choose from.

So did Leah just leave Dog behind because the memories associated with him were too painful? (i.e. he was born on the day Leah's son died) Or did she feel that Daryl needed the companionship and gambled that Daryl would drop by soon and take him in? It really bothers me that she just split and left the dog locked in the cabin like that. 

Grateful they didn't show us anything extra of Daryl seeming to genuinely give a shit, tbh. (Throwing a fish at someone's door, having sex with them, sleeping in their bed or eating their cooking doesn't necessarily constitute giving a shit in this world, just saying.) That was both refreshing (cuz u know, Caryl is endgame), and kind of tragic. I felt like Daryl was rather emotionally detached the entire time, but that Leah was maybe falling in love with him. Not in a good way, but in a possessive, demanding, all-or-nothing type of way. 

How very very clever of AMC to leave us with all these ambiguities. So much room for interpretation, so many gaps to never be filled in. Bastards. On the bright side, all these holes in the story and missing material provide endless new opportunities for fanfic writers like me who can't break free of the bonds of canon. So, yay, I guess?

I am sad to give up the virgin Daryl trope, I was beginning to think that one was ours in canon to keep, but you know, it is what it is. It was a good, long run while it lasted, and I'm grateful we got to write inexperienced Daryl fics while we could still entertain the fantasy that Daryl was actually inexperienced. So, R.I.P. virgin Daryl. I'm not as upset about his getting laid as I thought I'd be (although it was incredibly underhanded, AMC, to pull this shit so very late in the game, there better be a good reason for it). 

All the Leah thing means to me right now is that our man has probably picked up some skills during his time with her, and Carol's gonna be the ultimate beneficiary. Plus, Daryl's evolved over the years from throwing a fish at a woman's door to delivering her dinner on a tray with a flower, so...progress was made, even if he didn't start out with the woman we wish he had. (News Flash: The love of his life was unavailable and actually married to another man at the time, so there's that.) 

There are a staggering number of Caryllels in this episode. Someone once said here that Kang loves her symbolism and they weren't wrong. No matter what's to come, we can be confident about where this road ends. At this point in TWD, to not eventually give us Caryl canon would be the absolute greatest trolling of a fandom in the history of trolling fandoms, and besides, we're getting a spin-off.

Another thing, the fact that Rick and Leah both basically disappeared on him shines a bright light on Daryl's determination to stick to Carol like glue in 10A and B. He was terrified that she was going to disappear on him, too.

What happened to the Caryl fandom following the spoilers wasn't worth it. How many times have we freaked out over spoilers? You think we'd learn. And you KNOW we are valued because AMC went so very far out of their way to provide the vaguest-ever depiction of a sexual encounter for Daryl. Remember the Eugene spying scene with Abe and Rosita, guys? Shane and Lori screwing on the ground in the woods? They could really have tortured us, and they chose to be kind.

I'm looking forward to "Diverged." Honestly, I could give a shit about most of the other characters, but they'll have to make do for us over the next couple of weeks. Just about the time 10.18's been dissected and interpreted to death, Caryl will reappear on our screens and mess with our hearts and minds some more. I can't wait.

Thank you for coming to my rant, and Caryl on! 

[theimprobabledreamersworld]

Yayy! Despite trying to fight off a monster of a cold, I’ve got a new chapter written! :D

As I mentioned yesterday, this one is written from Logan’s POV because I’ve been wanting to create a back story for him in this story :) 

I’ll post the chapter under a line on here, but please check it out on Ao3 too! I love reading comments and stuff to find out what people think :)

Hope you like it!

Taglist: @psychedelicships  @edupunkn00b  @jwillowwolf @kacklingisanart @look-ma-im-on-tv @stardustlv @lost-in-thought-20

Chapter 5. My Heart Was Made Of Stone. And You Broke It Twice.

“But the wind has changed. My walls are weakening. They’re gonna fall soon. And I’m gonna need you.”

Logan was a man who always kept his emotions in check. He never let himself get too consumed by any kind of feeling. Happiness, sadness, love, hate, anger… Ever since he was sixteen, he refused to be vulnerable ever again. If you’re vulnerable, you can be broken. He had been broken far too many times when he was growing up.

His parents were agreeable, he couldn’t deny that… but he was never enough for them. Even as a young child, nothing was quite good enough. He remembered when the class teacher told his parents that he was the first child to learn how to write his name… he stretched up to show them and they let the paper flutter to the floor saying it wasn’t neat enough. He was only four! It got worse as he got older. Every time he was proud of something he had achieved, like getting a high grade, he was always asked why it wasn’t full marks. The unattainable goals were never reached and it took a lot to even vaguely satisfy them. He worked himself into the ground for the entirety of his school life, it affected his health, but they still weren’t happy. He was never strong enough, creative enough, serious enough, smart enough… and it hurt so much to know that. His friends however were amazing, they would always encourage him and make him take breaks when they knew he was working way too hard. They could always cheer him up and he was eternally grateful for that. Logan clenched his fists… he hated how much it knocked him down when he would walk in smiling over something that happened at school, to be told they weren’t interested and to just go and study. He always set himself up for the fall almost every day… no wonder emotions became such a hinderance. Luckily, music was his salvation for about eight years.

Logan took his head out of his hands, readjusted his eyes to the light and felt how raw they were from crying before staring at the dusty piano in the house intently. He used to be pretty good at playing. He loved his classical music, and still does. Just not playing it anymore. When he still had lessons, he was always thrilled with the challenge of increasingly difficult pieces given to him by his teacher. It was funny, his music teacher was the only person who ever truly believed in him. He was also the one person who could convince Logan to perform. The last concert he ever played in was the day before his sixteenth birthday, he played his most difficult piece to date… Chopin’s Fantasie Impromptu Op 66. They decided on that because it was originally a piece that no one was ever supposed to hear, Chopin never wanted it to be released after he died… but they did it anyway. His teacher said that he could then perform it however he wanted to, artistic interpretation and all that. He practiced and practiced at school so his parents wouldn’t hear it before. When it got to the concert, and his parents actually turned up, he was genuinely surprised. He walked out on the stage and sat down looking for his teacher who gave him a smile and a thumbs up, then the music began. He felt almost like he was watching himself play, he had never played with such determination before and as the final note rung out… there was silence. Before the room broke out into applause, his teacher was standing up clapping vigorously, then some of his classmates and other parents stood up too. His parents however were sat down, clapping politely with a neutral expression on their faces and Logan’s smile faltered. He gave a quick bow and walked quickly off the stage. His teacher followed him and gave him a hug while telling him how proud he was. Logan couldn’t stop the tears, he had never cried in front of another person, but no one had ever been proud of him before either. How embarrassing. The first time he had been shown positive interest by someone he respected, and he cried until the top of their shirt was damp with his tears. His teacher just held him and told him everything was okay. After he had calmed down and the tears had stopped, he went to go and join his parents for the second half of the concert, but their seats were empty.

In that moment, he didn’t get upset again and stayed unusually calm, and he knew that this was the final straw. He stayed at a hotel for the night at the insistence of his teacher, that way he could sort out his head and start looking up different apartment options. Which he did realise could be tricky as a sixteen-year-old… but he was smart, reliable, didn’t drink or smoke and had a substantial amount of money at his disposal. He waited until the morning and snuck back into his parent’s house to collect all of the things that he deemed necessary. Thankfully, the hotel manager was understanding and let him stay for the bare minimum price until he could find an apartment for himself. It took a few months, and the landlord had to be persuaded by his music teacher, but he found an apartment which was close to everything he needed and was affordable. One day, he would repay that teacher back for everything he had done for him.

He looked at the calendar, the picture of him and Virgil smiling and holding up their wedding ring hands was taunting him on the wall. He noticed the date. Wow, it had been ten years since he left without looking back, and he never heard a single word from them.

That was clearly for the best.

Ever since then, he never let emotions get the better of him ever again. However, as he looked around at the decimated living room, he had clearly broken and let all of those emotions consume him once again. Logan inspected the damage, as he traced the hole in the wall, the shattered photo frames and glass covering the floor, it caused his heart to fill up with regret. His heart was already full of pain, the regret was enough to make his heart quite literally tear in two. Virgil was the first person he felt like he could be vulnerable with again. When they first met, there was something about him, something that reminded him of himself. Maybe this guy was just as broken as he was, as he saw him hiding in the corner of the coffee shop trying to stay away from the world. He told Virgil this many times, but he had encased his heart in stone to keep it safe. As their relationship developed, as stupid as it sounds, he could feel the stone wall cracking and breaking off piece by piece, and he honestly didn’t mind in the slightest.

Now, he didn’t know what was going on with his heart. He was hurt, he was angry. It’s not every day you find out that the man you’ve been married to for the last five years spent most of his life as a well-trained and dangerous assassin. Going by Virgil’s words alone, the body count to his name is staggering and who knows how many people he’s hurt over the years. The argument they had earlier in the evening was playing on repeat in his mind.

“I couldn’t tell you!” Virgil shouted across the room.

“Why the hell not?! I’m your fucking HUSBAND Virgil, you are supposed to trust me. No matter what’s happened in your past!” Logan rubbed his forehead in frustration.

“Okay, you want to know why I hid everything from you? I did it to PROTECT you! My past is something that can be used against me, it is still being used against me. If anyone from it came after you… I would never be able to forgive myself!” The tears wouldn’t stop rolling down Virgil’s face as he spluttered out the words while his body shook with sobs.

Despite the hurt of seeing Virgil in so much pain, Logan couldn’t contain his anger. “What makes you decide if I need protecting? I can handle myself, ever since I was sixteen I’ve been on my own… You know that!”

Virgil sighed, like he was debating whether or not to say his next sentence.

“Remember when we met all those years ago? You told me about how you were attacked and how scared you were after it? Well… it was me. I was the guy who saved you. Every day since that moment, I vowed that I would protect you no matter the cost. Then I fell in love with you along the way, and I’ll love you until the end of time. If you want to know the truth about me, I know he gave you something. Look at it, and I won’t blame you if you try to turn me in to the police afterwards. I have to go now though, otherwise you will get hurt… I’m sorry, Lo.” Logan was left dumbfounded, and Virgil ran out of the front door, slipping away into the night.

There had been so many lies and too many secrets. He remembered that USB stick he threw in a drawer months ago. He opened it up and stared at the blue object, the label that read ‘Virgil… ?’ taunted him mercilessly. He looked over at his open laptop that was spared from his destructive anger, should he look at it?

Logan shook that thought away instantly, he needed to clear up first before making any kind of decision. He crouched down on the floor and started to sweep the glass over towards the sofa with his hand, just so he could clean it properly soon. He got to the first photograph, him and Virgil sitting in a restaurant holding hands and smiling at the camera. That picture was taken by Thomas and Nico, their two closest friends… He thought he should text them and see if they could come over. Virgil left half an hour ago, and he already felt too alone.

He’d contact them later, but for now. He wanted to stare at photographs and revel in his memories.

[eagle-raider]

Of hidden meanings

I wrote this back in August and it’s been collecting digital dust in my draft folder ever since. To celebrate International Translation day (yes, it is a thing, and yes, it’s today) I told myself I’d post it. Behold the wall of text.

I’ve been (re) reading one of my all times favorite books, which is Les Liaisons Dangereuses (1782, Choderlos de Laclos), but in English this time – after months of trying to get my hands on a translation (the one I got is by Thomas Moore and was published in 1812).  

The book is a classic of French literature, an epistolary novel telling the story of the Marchioness de Merteuil and the Viscount de Valmont, two narcissistic rivals (and ex-lovers) who use seduction as a weapon to socially control and exploit others, all the while enjoying their cruel games and boasting about their talent for manipulation.  

The book has had several movie adaptations, ranging from the most faithful (Dangerous Liaisons, Stephen Frears, 1988) to the most forgettable (Valmont by Milos Forman, 1989), to a loosely based adaptation/Modern setting re-writing (Cruel Intentions, 1999 and that infamous tongue kiss between SMG and Selma Blair). So yeah, you’ve probably either heard of it, or seen one of those movies, or at least the gifs of that kiss.  

Now, this book has been censored to hell and back because of its depiction of amorality. It explores different subjects: revenge, manipulation, malice and even female homosexuality (briefly, but it’s there – both in the book and the movie adaptation by Frears), with feminist undertones, which, for a book written by a military man in 1782 is a real novelty.  

Yes, the Marchioness de Merteuil is a villain, if you look at the book through a Manichaean perspective (which is what the movie did), but above all, she is a victim of her time. And again, for a man to fully grasp the societal burden of women circa 1782 is absolutely unprecedented. And it’s way too real for it to be a happy coincidence.

I know this book almost by heart my copy is filled to the brim with annotations and almost all pages are dog-eared.  

Now, one of my all-time favorite letters within the book is letter 141. It’s about 2/3 through the story – the Marchioness de Merteuil is peeved at Valmont because he is too enamored with his lover to pay her any attention – said lover is a married noble, a devout Christian he managed to defile—his words not mine.  

The reason she’s peeved is never explained. Jealousy, perhaps, but it’s not borne out of love. Merteuil doesn’t love him, she just wants him wrapped around her little finger.

So, in this letter, as per their twisted game, she tells him that now that he got what he wanted, it is time to break things off with that Christian woman. And, in her infinite generosity, Merteuil provides him with the perfect breakup letter. I was really looking forward to seeing how the translator – Thomas Moore – would handle the nuances, and I wasn’t disappointed for the most part.

It goes as follows:  

One tires of every thing, my angel! It is a law of nature; it is not my fault. 

 If, then, I am tired of a connection that has entirely taken me up four long months, it is not my fault.

If, for example, I had just as much love as you had virtue, and that’s saying a great deal, it is not at all surprising that one should end with the other; it is not my fault

It follows, then, that for some time past, I have deceived you; but your unmerciful affection in some measure forced me to it! It is not my fault.

Now a woman I love to distraction, insists I must sacrifice you: it is not my fault.

I am sensible here is a fine field for reproaches; but if nature has only granted men constancy, whilst it gives obstinacy to women, it is not my fault.

Take my advice, choose another lover, as I have another mistress—The advice is good; if you think otherwise, it is not my fault.

Farewell, my angel! I took you with pleasure, I part you without regret; perhaps I shall return to you; it is the way of the world; it is not my fault

It’s perfect, it’s vicious, it’s exactly what you’d expect to receive from an asshole like Valmont.

Now why am I telling you this? Because there’s a slight change in the movie adaptation, that I think fully grasps the hidden meaning behind “It is not my fault,”  which is the literal translation of the original French version: ce n’est pas ma faute.

The writing team decided to change “It is not my fault” to “It’s beyond my control” and if you’re a purist, you might think they were absolutely stupid and why choose another option when word for word translation works just fine in this case? Why change it when the meaning behind the words is there?  

To answer your question: because it’s not.  

Keep in mind that the book is written in old-French, or an older iteration of French, rather. Words had a slightly different meaning than they do now, e.g. the verb to hear (entendre in French) meant “understand” which is something that the French verb kind of lost while the English retained somewhat (when people say I get you/do you hear me).

So, when the letter says “It is not my fault.” what it really means is, “It’s beyond my control.”  

Earlier, I said that Merteuil wanted to have Valmont wrapped around her little finger? This is what I meant. It’s beyond his control. She demanded of him that breaks up with his lover, she provided the means to do so, and as she writes earlier in the same letter:

“My comparison appears to me the more just as, like [a Sultan], you never are the lover or friend of a woman, but always her tyrant or her slave.”

Boom. Burn.

Valmont is Merteuil’s slave and she spelled it out to him (quite brutally). Which is why, I believe that the translator could have maybe underlined the hidden take behind “It is not my fault.” 

The movie did, because it fully grasped Merteuil’s intention: Valmont is her puppet. He should break up with his lover because Merteuil wants him to and because it is literally beyond his control. Which is what Valmont keeps repeating in the sequence:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cjUmvHBgHr0

(apologies for the potato quality)

It’s nitpicky but it matters in this case because the nuance is lost in the translation, unless the readers pay careful attention. I’m not saying the translation is bad, because it’s not. Literary translation is a balancing act of subjectivity.  

It begs the question: how far can you adapt a translation into your target language before it reaches the point of no return and everything that made the text special/authentic/flavorful is lost? It’s the eternal debate between traductology scholars: are you a target-oriented/source-oriented translator. Most translators will say they’re target-oriented, and they’re right.  

However, the game changes when you’re translating classics, because you’re not just translating a text into a language your audience can understand—you’re translating a chunk of history with it. You can’t dissociate the book and its author from the historical context it was written in because the context gives crucial clues on how to navigate the translation. A book, whatever it may be about, is a testimony of its time.

Does an English-speaking audience in 2020 understand that “It is not my fault” means “I’m somebody’s puppet, your life and mine aren’t ours to do as we please?”

Does “it isn’t my fault” hold as much meaning in 2020 than its French counterpart did in 1782?

If yes, keep it.  

It not, then change it. Adapt it, make it more obvious even if you stray a little from the original version. 

This is what the movie did, in all subtlety, forgoing a literal translation for something else that was in line with the context of the book/history/plot.

I will admit my own bias because this book is among my favorite pieces of classical literature – and Renaissance/pre-French revolution is my favorite period, so I nerd. A lot.    

Next up: Game Localization and how the Japanese translation/VA work of Ghost of Tsushima influenced Jin Sakai’s personality (goody two-shoes in English vs. darker/grounded in JP)

Happy International Translation Day, folks!

[i-eat-bread-and-cry-on-the-floor]

A strange solidarity between Richie and Ben. Idk like Richie calling Ben to complain about how cute and adorable Eddie look today with his shorts and how he just wants to hold hand whit him or Ben telling Richie about how perfect and beautiful is Bev hair and how he thinks she is the coolest person in the world. Bonus: If meanwhile Eddie and Bev are doing the same!

B E T here we go!! I think this is my first request for a fic so i entirely hope it’s not bad :))

Title: Movie Nights & Forest Fires  Pairings: Benverly, Reddie, Platonic!Trashstack 

Ben held a photo booth picture in his hands, staring at the red head smiling at the camera. He could have paid attention to Richie’s stupid ‘silly face.’ He could have looked at Stan, who’d just spotted a piece of dust that looked vaguely like a spider. His eyes, however, kept drawing toward a certain crush of his. 

He walked toward his bed to lay down, holding the picture in front of his face. Ben simply thought that there was no one better than Beverly Marsh. He’d been in love with her since third grade. 

The phone rang in the living room, but Ben wouldn’t care divide his attention. Not for Beverly. He smiled. The unfamiliar gesture lingered on his face for a silent moment. He only stopped smiling to bring the picture to his lips. He smiled wider now, having just “kissed” Bev. Brushing his hair out of his hair, he perked up to hear his mom calling him. 

“Benny! Your friend is on the phone for you!” she called. He didn’t realize that the phone stopped ringing only three rings in. Typically it takes eight. 

“Oh, yep! Coming!” he shuffled to plant his feet on the ground. He jogged to the phone, hanging near the couch. He tried to sound cool, answering the phone with a sly tone. 

“Hey there. Who’s calling?” Ben forgot that this caller could be any of the losers; not just Bev. 

“It’s Richie.” Ben’s friend eagerly answered. “I’ve gotta tell you about my sleepover with Eddie last night.” 

“Oh!” Ben nodded, “Yeah, yeah! Tell me.” he strained the chord to sit on the edge of the couch. He’d always been jealous of Richie, who had a phone in his room. 

“Okay, picture this,” Richie prompted, pacing around his room as far as the phone chord allowed him to, “We’re watching Gremlins cause, classics ya know?” 

Ben nodded, despite the fact that Richie couldn’t see him. Richie continued anyway. 

“And we’re sharing a bowl of popcorn but we kept arguing over who’s gonna hold it so I, a literal genius, propose: ‘Hey why don’t we just balance it between our legs?’ Ben! He agreed!” Richie jumped, “So now we’re literally attached at the hip...” Richie continued telling Ben his story.

Ben listened, grinning. Only he imagined himself and Beverly--Not Richie and Eddie. 

-------

“I wanna cross my legs.” Eddie looked at Richie. Richie picked up the bowl of popcorn with a sigh. Richie then placed the bowl in Eddie’s lap. 

“I’m gonna end up spilling two-thirds of the bowl and then we’ll have wasted food and I’d have to watch you eat shit off the floor.” Eddie gave Richie the bowl again.

“I wouldn’t eat shit off the floor!” Richie rebutted. “I’d eat popcorn off the floor, Eds.” 

“There is literally so much wrong with that sentence.” 

“Well, whatever.” Richie put the popcorn in between them once again. 

The two turned their attention back to the TV screen. Eddie moves a bit closer to Richie, until some freaky jump-scare caught him off guard.

Eddie shrieked, tensing his shoulders to his earlobes. The popcorn fell to the ground in the process. “Shit!” the already-panicked boy cursed. 

“Fuck, I’m not taking responsibility for this.” Eddie pouted, picking up the bowl and some stray pieces of popcorn as Richie blushed.

“No, it’s- You don’t have to clean that, I’ll fix it later.” 

“And just leave this on the floor, what if you get ants?” 

“Eddie,” Richie opened his arms for some elongated hug. He yearned to cuddle with Eddie, but admitting that to himself or to Eddie seemed like too much of a nightmare to deal with. 

Eddie furrowed his eyebrows. He glanced down at the spilled popcorn, then at Richie: smiling in the purest way Eddie had ever seen. He huffed. 

“Fine.” But he couldn’t resist smiling, just a bit. 

------

“And we cuddled for the entire rest of the movie! It was- gah! It was amazing.” Richie gushed after a long ramble. 

“That sounds like so much fun.” Ben said. “I’m really happy for you, man!”

“Thanks, Ben. So, have you worked up the courage to send Bev your second poem, you one-hit-wonder?”

“Not a one-hit-wonder anymore!” Ben smirked. After finding just enough spare change in the cracks of the living room couch, he spent it on another post card at the library. 

-------

Sitting at his usual spot in the library, Ben stared at his blank post card. Tapping a pen against his temple, he conjured up a multitude of feelings. He decided to allude to his first poem, January Embers. He called this one Forest Fires. 

The smallest of flames Can still set my entire  Forest on fire

-Secret admirer 

Clipping his pen, he stood up, returning two books he’d read in the span of a week, and leaving. He held the postcard in his hands, refraining from repeating the words again and again. The more he thought, the more he hated his writing. Determined not to let that happen, he stared at the bridge on the back of the card instead. 

--------

“Well, have you, Lover-boy?” Richie urged.

Ben shook his head, “I- I will, just not now.” 

“When, then?” Richie asked, waiting for a response that he never received. 

Ben sank to the floor against the couch. 

“Do you want me to stick it in her backpack one day?” Richie suggested. 

“No, I need to do it. I’m just...” 

“Just?” 

Ben twirled the wire in on his index finger, trying to think of his answer. He knew his reason. Whenever he’d try to give Bev his poem, his hands got clammy and his face flushed. He’d wipe his forehead, trying to steady himself, ridding his mind of fear or doubt. By the time his heart began to beat in his throat, he shook his head muttering, “No, I’ll do it tomorrow,” under his breath. He’d walk away. 

“Nervous, I guess.” He admitted. 

“I’m coming over." Richie declared. “Get your bike ready too cause we’re going to Bev’s.” “What? Why?”

“You know why.”

Ben nodded, taking a deep breath. “See you in fifteen?” 

“More like ten.” Richie shrugged.

“Ten.” 

-------

Standing at the bottom of the stairs to Bev’s apartment, Richie rubbed Ben’s shoulders. “You got this, big guy!” 

Ben knew any of his other friends would swat Richie’s hands away but Ben appreciated the humorous gesture.

“I do, I’ve got this.” he nodded in agreement. He took one step upstairs, looking back at Richie. After the glimpse of a thumbs up, he ran upstairs as if Bowers was chasing him. He spent no time looking over the railing to see blossoming flowers or the shiny sun rays. He stared at his feet climbing higher and higher until he reached the fourth floor.

“You can do it! Go get your lady!” Richie called at him, making Ben smile. 

Before his brain processed anything, Ben’s feet landed in front of Bev’s door and his finger tapped the doorbell. His eyes widened when the red-head answered the door. Her short locks, now a small flame in the breezy spring weather, setting his forest on fire.

“Ben! Can I help you?” she smiled and leaned against the door. 

“No,” he shook his head. 

“Oh?”

“No, no, no, I meant- I meant- No-” he shook his head. 

“You said no.” Beverly pointed out. 

“Huh?”

“You said ‘no, no, no, i meant- i meant no.’ You said no already. I was just teasing around.” 

“Oh! Yeah, yeah!” Ben nodded, “Right.” he cleared his throat. “Listen, I... wanted to...” he squeezed his eyes shut, extending his hand to give Beverly his 97-cent postcard.

“Oh, for me?” Beverly giggled. At Ben’s “Yeah...” Beverly took the post card. She didn’t read it, making Ben all the more thankful. 

“Okay, well... good day to you; Nice talk.” Ben made finger guns then, hurrying downstairs to Richie.

Richie, who’d been listening from the bottom of the stairs greeted Ben with a huge grin. “That was awesome! I knew you could--”

Ben ran into his arms, hugging him. “I can’t believe- I’m- Oh my- Richie, why did I do that?” he asked. 

Richie squeezed him close. “Hey, hey, you did great yeah? It was adorable! Your poem was awesome and if she doesn’t like you, she’s too stupid to deserve you.” 

Ben took deep breaths, considering his words. “Are you just saying that?”

“No, Ben.” Richie shook his head. “I really mean it.” 

Ben nodded, swallowing the lump in his throat. “Can we go back to my house? You can stay for dinner.” he invited. 

“No can do. Dad’s grilling tonight.” Richie declined, then coming up with an epiphany. “If you don’t want to be alone though, I can ask my mom if you want to sleepover?” 

“Would you?” 

“‘F course!” Richie put his arm around Ben as they walked back to their bikes. 

Ben shuttered a breath, “You’re the best, Rich.” 

The two rode their bikes past Stan’s dad’s temple, prompting Richie to tell Ben about Stan’s bar mitzvah speech. “It was so badass!” 

“Wish I coulda been there.” Ben laughed. 

They rode past the library and the shop where Mike would bring his deliveries. Dropping their bikes in front of Ben’s house, Richie waited outside and Ben unlocked the door. “Mom?” he called.

“Yes, sweetie?” his mother craned her neck from the couch to Ben.

“Richie invited me for dinner tonight. Could I go?” he smiled. “Please.” he added. Ben never forgot a ‘please.’

“Just make sure you’re home by nine. You’ve got your watch?” She peaked at his arm. 

“Yes, ma. Thank you!” he confirmed, grinning ear-to-ear. The kid who’d spent his entire elementary and middle school career alone loved spending evenings with his friends.

“Have fun!” she reminded as Ben jogged back outside, closing the door behind him.

“She said yes.” Ben informed, prompting a happy dance from Richie. 

“That’s not gonna be the only girl saying yes to you.” 

“Oh, shush.” he rolled his eyes, picking up his bike. “Ready to go?” 

Richie gave a thumbs up, swinging his leg onto his own bike. “Let’s ride!” 

-------

One ring. Two rings. Three rings. 

“Hello?”

“Eddie! You would not believe what Ben just gave me!” Beverly squealed. 

“Spill everything!” 

[redxblueihateloveyou]

Hi! I really like your blog. Your analysis posts about ships or other things are really interesting and your gifsets are super cute! I have just finished reading your two anime recommendation posts and I was wondering if you plan to write a third one about the remaining animes you like? I would LOVE to read it.

Hi:) Thank you so much! Haha these were more like “bromance anime recommendations” lists. I’m glad you liked them romances. Here’s part 1 and part 2 :)

14. Hakkenden Touhou Hakken Ibun.

The relationship of the couple in this anime are one of the best on so many levels. They’re one of those “even the darkest part of me can’t hurt you” superior ships. They’re two of the main characters, 2 out 8 of the reincarnated warriors (who are all handsome af haha) that are meant to.. you know… save the world.

They’re both on the verge of death at the beginning and one (Shino) in order to survive agrees to live with a demonic sword inside of him which prevents him from growing old and growing per se (which is really sad for many reasons plus you’ll see him once in his 18-year old body and he’s so gorgeous), the other (Sousuke) takes half of a life from a dog, so he can tranform into it whenever he wants.

The problem is that during all of that Sousuke has split and lost his shadow aka the dark part of himself. His shadow works for the dark side, but all he really wants is Shino. The most amazing thing is that Sousuke loves Shino so much, that even his dark part would never ever hurt him. Like his shadow does some pretty terrible stuff to others like once he has made a deal with a girl so she would gave him her eyes just because Shino has said that they’re pretty lmao (I’m sory but its kinda funny), but he gets so pissed when Shino is hurt. So it’s the same as Akashi & Kuroko and Gauche & Lag: even for the darkest part of him the other one is his weakness. 

Also this is one of the animes where LITERALLY the power of gay love saves the world by the end. (p.s. sorry, Genpachi, I love you the most and I know you like Shino too, but your flirting can’t beat such deep feelings lol).

15. Assassination Classroom.

Not gonna spoil anything about plot, so I’ll say it’s about “problematic” kids trying to kill their teacher who has superpowers and that’s it. This anime is full of controversial stuff, like I really questioned things and what’s right or wrong, but one thing for sure is that no matter of what you think about the situation, you will 100% cry at the end. I personally think it’s a kinda happy ending considering all the stuff, but opinions are very different when it comes to this anime.

Now for the ship. Let’s just start with the fact that both Karma and Nagisa have ehhhh… psychological problems haha (but who doesn’t in this anime? lol). So Karma is a sadist (like for real, he likes to get creative with torturing) and I think he’s also a yandere when it comes to Nagisa. He threatens to kill those who even talk bad about Nagisa and once has almost beaten to death those who bullied him (which I didn’t mind tbh lmao). He never does anything if others ask, but when/if Nagisa says “please”, he immediately says yes (which is also funny). 

They both are in awe with each other and think the other one is absolutely incredible so it’s like a two-sided fan club. Karma is really scary, but when it comes to Nagisa he can be fluffy af. He also doesn’t care about people much, but Nagisa is his everything. Like the “I give up” moment will melt your heart, that was so cute. 

So this is one of those “you’re the only exception” ships. Bc Karma is a person who will enjoy skinning ppl alive, but when he’s with Nagisa he likes to hug, pick him up and coo about Nagisa’s height, play tag, discuss his fav movies and tickle fight. I’m like… I’m just… this is great.

16. Bungou Stray Dogs.

This one is about a detective agency where everyone has superpowers who are “enemies” with the mafia group where everyone has superpowers, but actually they’re all friends and half of the detective agency date the mafia xD (I’m sorry, but it’s the truth). Like I still don’t get why they won’t just make one organization, this is getting ridiculous.

I’m not a huge fan of the anime per se tbh, because like it has way too many characters who I can’t even feel for cause supposedly they’ve had a dramatic past, but what past nobody tells, so I like can’t empathize to someone who’s an asshole without knowing why he is that way. Plus there’re many characters in animes who have had a horrible childhood/past but are incredible people (hello to Todoroki and Levi). And some characters there for some reason are degrading instead of progressing which is the worst for me. But it’s pretty entertaining to watch if you won’t think much about stuff, powers are cool and it’s drawn beautifully (but there is one scene that was repeated 28 times 28 TIMES!, we’ve counted just for laughs, guess which xD, that’s like.. they could’ve made time for a whole new episode instead of this)

There’s one character whose progression is so incredible though that I’m happy to watch just for him. It’s Akutagawa. He’s like grown so much and I love everything about him, how he went from trying to kill Atsushi to risking his life for him and letting him use rashomon, how he’s homey with his sister and how he’s so good with feeling his powers, how Kyouka tried to kill him and he was like “I’m so glad you’re happy now”. Bitch, like that’s the character progression I’m asking for! Man, he’s just… he’s my favorite, I love seeing many sides of him. He made me so happy in s3 when I was ready to turn it off lmao

So there are two main ships in this anime. Dazai and Chuuya. They are one of those perfect combinations. But not in a usual way you think.. like characteristically. Chuuya’s full power is uncontrollable and the only one who can stop him is Dazai, cause his ability is to nullify other’s abilities, so he’s the only one who can stop Chuuya and also save him from being destroyed by his own power. So basically Chuuya trusts Dazai with his own life when they work together (which is.. I’d be scared if I was in Chuuya’s place lmao). It’s not like I’m scared that Dazai’s gonna let him die or anything, but stuff like “let’s watch a bit longer how Chuuya is going nuts cause it’s funny” doesn’t seem funny to me.

Let’s just say, I do ship them, I think they’d be perfect together if Dazai was like a fanfiction Dazai, you know. But the truth here is firstly their relationships progression is zero to none, like yeah, it’s fun to watch them bicker, but it like won’t give you any deep feelings. Plus Dazai was the most humane and emotional when he was with Oda (which I really don’t get, Oda was a dumbass tbh, like who makes a children shelter while working in MAFIA???! ofc they were fucking killed). Like Oda’s so special for him but then he treats Chuuya and Akutagawa like shit. And he had more feelings for Oda’s matchbox than for Chuuya in the last season. So my heart just won’t lie there fully, you know. Because there are no moments there that indicate like he’s the one for him.

Now to Akutagawa and Atsushi. This is a classic enemies to lovers stuff. Like they go from trying to kill each other to risking their lives for each other. They warm my heart on so many levels. So they’re both struggling to get over of their past and can’t. But then by the end they help each other to let go of their demons, they give each other what others couldn’t. Like I still can’t believe Atsushi came in like a wrecking ball and said the words Akutagawa wanted to hear for ages (his face, his face lol he was like “w-w-what?”). Atsushi himself admitted that Akutagawa is his cure in the last season. 

These two are like also hilarious bc they both think that they’re trash so their arguments are like “you’re the best”, “no, you’re the best”. Like Atsushi literally goes “Akutagawa is so strong and amazing, but he still thinks he’s weak” what a bae xD and Akutagawa thinks that he’s nowhere as good as Atsushi so it’s really funny. The relationships progression is like insane. They went from beating each other into a blood puddles to covering each other from bullets and being like “honey, don’t you dare die, I was going to kill you myself” lol

I still can’t believe Akautagawa gave Atsushi rashomon… he was wearing rashomon. I mean his ability, which is a part of him was okay with Atsushi using her. I mean.. maaaaaan fanfiction does come true! And they’re like the representation of yin and yang characteristically and even appereance-wise and I think it’s super cool. Plus the “lawnmower” is the cutest pet name I’ve ever heard lol

Anywho, this anime has like 20 bromances, so pick whichever you like.

Damn, that got long and I’ve only mentioned 3 haha, sorry. That way it’s gonna be like 50 parts xD

[whitetickle-sl]

slur/slər/

Learn to pronounce

verb

1.speak (words or speech) indistinctly so that the sounds run into one another."he was slurring his words like a drunk"Similar:mumblespeak unclearlygarblestumble overstammermisarticulateOpposite:enunciate

2.MUSICperform (a group of two or more notes) legato."I can play it if I don't slur the notes"

noun

1.an insinuation or allegation about someone that is likely to insult them or damage their reputation."the comments were a slur on the staff"Similar:insultslightslanderslanderous statementlibellibelous statementmisrepresentationdefamationaspersioncalumnysmearallegationimputationinsinuationinnuendo

2.an act of speaking indistinctly so that sounds or words run into one another or a tendency to speak in such a way."there was a mean slur in his voice"

So I’ve gotten in trouble for daring to mention the N word when asking about a black girl who commanded her white sub to call her by the N word that ends with the letter A. which is a variant of the one that ends with er. So I’m bring in some facts for everyone. and I’ll merely link t o the dictionary description for the original down below.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Negro

Here is the vidio with a Black girl tickling a White Girl as her lee. She was basicly upset wit the White girl. Now the black girl treated the N word like it’s some kind of badge of honor and wanted the White girl to call her that. Apparently I’m atacked for trying to even dare  say the word. I can understand callingsomeone that being bad but now it’s like we’re treating the word like Voldimort, he who should not be named.......I just now discovered the video has been taken down. Well just great. just when I had an example it’s taken down. Whatever it was  Black girl  dominating a white girl being mad at her about something. Now the white girl did get cheeky and call her the B word which got her tickled worse, that’s what you get when you insult your ler and I think she deserved that.

But with the info I have atleast provided you all, with while slur can be an insult it’s usualy running a word together. The Origanal term meant Dark Skinned. Nothing degrading there, the more infamous one came from the portigese and spanish and apparently became more used instead as a means of respect....I don’t know who they were trying to respect because obviosly no one feels respected being called that, even though it literaly just means the same thing. Guess I will have to look deeper into the history of this. Because so far now, We got the classic neatral which I think we need to just need to push for making it neutral, because I feel it’s only an insult because it became bastardized over time which is the second more commonly recongised reaction, then there’s being an honory black where only blacks get to use it and your only allowed to use it if your given the blessing of the black community. That’s like me saying you can’t call me white because of what the Barbary pirates did. Ok it’s more understandable with the word slave I guess because that’s literaly a slur for Slav who used to be slaves to the Ottomons and other people once upon a time and before that term became world wide there was other words for a slave. Slasve is a very modern term and meant different things in history and so there are even translations that even kind of miss us the word. Trying understand what people meant when making the recordings helps us to retranslate what they truely meant. and then you got the 4th use of the N word which apparently has the word promoted to a master role?

So how does the N word work as a neutral term for Blacks, an insult one instance, a friend or equal the next instance and master and superior in the next?! How can I call you a master with an insult or Insult you with a compliment? and then don’t get me started on the new white rule that whites can’t even utter the word from their lips even if they aren’t calling anyone or referring to anyone by the word.... Just Grade stupidity right there. I understand it has it’s awful history and I’m not trying to make light of it, rather I simply want to just de bastardized a word that was once common and once had no insulting meaning. If you remove the sting of a word it no longer has power over you. Now it seems it’s become an entitled word. You know what I call it? I confusing word! There is literally no other word that bounces back and forth between insult and compliment and neutral, and permitted and tabooed without warning or control than the N word/ The N word is utterly chaotic and disruptive and it’s being used to create even more division now not simply as an insult but as a taboo word! There are alot of taboo words but you literally have one right here that is upsetting to not only culture but even language itself! 

You know what I think? 2 wrongs don’t make a right and a word that only one race can use and just easily change it’s meaning like that is not justified. It doesn’t heal the wounds of the past. I hate that I am having to address this word again, just one post is all I should ever have to post and I have a right to make such posts. I have a right to address the issue.

So why am I talking about it again? Well since I was accused of using a slur in the other post rather than continue to deny it I recalled what a slur is supposed to be in the first place. That’s why I went on Google and posted the definition in this post. As you can see the term slur while can be involved in insulting someone it seems to be more involved with words mashing together or being said wrong. I won’t bother saying the original word and it’s many different slurred terms, I’ll just mention that you got versions that end in O, er and a. Now given that the word technical has been said differently over time and there’s both not only a negative slur but even a slur that’s treated more positively it’ technically is a slurr. So yeah I guess by that Logic I still used a Slur. fine caught me red handed. HOWEVER. What makes the word evil is when it’s used as an insult and I didn’t. However Telling me I can’t even adress the issue  behind the word that I can’t even say neutrally IS JUST AS EVIL Because 2 wrongs don’t make a right. Here I am trying to resolve a problem and people are atacking me for daring to use the word. Well a broken clock can ring once or twice correctly a day but just because you could argue that I was using a slur doesn’t make you right about me. Because I think it would of made more since to atack me for using the word to insult someone. However I didn’t use the word to refer to anyone let alone black people in general. I was talking about a black girl but she  was calling herself that AND WANTING A WHITE GIRL TO CALL HER THAT. Yet I didn’t call her that but I did repeat what she said. That’s not the same thing though. Now if Anyone of the Black community was in fact insulted by that post if you saw it, then I’m SORRY IF IT PUT A BAD TASTE in your mouth but please know I wasn’t trying to put anyone down. I was just curios about the Black girl’s use of the word. Her use of the word confuses me and I think it helps fix the problem to address it and negotiate about it rather than lay down some segregationally rule. Because that rule is Hypocritical and it will domino effect into something as evil as what happened in the past. You can’t right a wrong with another wrong and ignorance and taboos don’t fix anything. So I don’t apologies for speaking my mind but I do want people to know I do care about your feelings but sometimes I can’t make promises. and it’s not fair to me if I can’t express my own concerns and curiosity because I have to worry about walking on egg shells. 

To be honest I didn’t even like addressing the word in that post but I’m not going to delete it either. That would seem like surrendering to a stereotype of who I am and what haters want to make of me plus it would seem cowardly. I made my bed and so I will sleep in it. I knew the point I was trying to make, and I knew I didn’t mean no ill intent. Plus if I get rid of it I have nothing to show myself why stuff happened in the first place. So I will be keeping that post around, both because people actually like it looks like and for me it’s a teaching platform. Someone tried to trip me up and I’ve made mistakes of erasing posts before and it never helps in big arguments. So deleting posts won’t solve anything if you know for a fact what you meant. If anything the hater’s arguments actually kind of help this case even more and only prove just how big a deal this actually is. It also seems to teach me just because people attack you doesn’t mean you throw in the towel, doesn’t mean you just get mad and scream back at them either. I mean I’m still expressing my emotion on the issue but I’m also bothering to looks stuff up so I can reproach the argument. The thing is their arguement is the word is a slur so I shouldn’t say it. No that’s a terrible excuse, because slurr just means to say a word wrong and say it as a different word. So now I’m challenging not even the meaning of the N word but the meaning of the Word Slur. Thank goodness I can at least say SLUR ^^ that’s how much a headache this is I can’t even say the other word it’s so maddening! I mean I can say it no one’s really stopping me from saying the N word...I just don’t want to say it! Yes I would get harrassed for saying it  in another post but the thing is I’m gonna be harrased anyways so it makes no big differance. But anyways just because it’s a slur does that realy make it bad when a slur is technically just a mispronounced word? and when I’m just talking about the word and it’s history about how it used to be neutral back when it wasn’t controversial does it even count as an insult then? like if you were tak about the word cracker and how people come to use that in reference to white people but your not constantly using it to deliberately speak negatively of white people then is it an insult then? Not only that but by this definition is even Cracker realy a slur? It’s being missused but is that a slur? I suppose you could argue that a slur is a word used to speak negativly of a a person but that’s only if you are doing that directly. In otherwords it would directly mean an direct insult. But when I used it I wasn’t being direct so it doesn’t count. So If I was talking about the term cracker well I’m intentionally referring to whites as such just on how they are refered to as such by certain people. But if I’m not using it directly as the word for them and not contently calling them that, then I’m not using a direct insult. A controversial word maybe but not a direct insult. and since  Cracker isn’t a miss pronunciation of another word, it’s not a slur in that since either. The original N word is not a slur because it’s not misspronounced it simply has bad press. and until it becomes more excepted as neutral again I will keep to my promise that I will not be using it again in future posts..if I can help it. The original word is technically viewable by the link much to my discomfort but I will not take responsibility for the word being uncencored by links. Now Gigmig technical is a slur since it’s mispronounced version of Giggle Milkee as I merged the 2 words together. However Gigmig may be a slur but it’s not controversal. hehe well I mean the topic is controversial to hates I suppose but not the the Gigmigs themselves. To be honest though I invented the term Giggle Milkee trying to come up with terms for White lee or ticklish White. It doesn’t have to emply to slave, however most of the Giggle Milkees in my band don’t seem to mind the idea of being tickle slaves themselves. Infact it’s rather popular to them. But I do understand not all people are big about that, So that’s why Gigmig actualy has a neutral meaning, by default it means ticklish white person or White lee tickled by other races. It can be used for slaves but that doesn’t take away from the fact that it’s inherently more neutral in that it can involve concential tickling as well as concential, it can be used towards a perceaved equal or towards someone seen as property. However I don’t see it ever being used to describe a superior in any form. Giggle Milkees are never masters, only equals or less. What do you expect their lees when is the lee ever the one in control? when your the one being tickled your either putting your trust in the tickler or your at their mercy.

Anyways guys I hope to never have to address the N word again I realy hate that topic, but I’m also stubborn ;p and not  ashamed. But I would appreciate other people tackling this issue more from my perspective and helping in the cause to weaken the the power the N word has so all sides can be free. As for me I just want to move on and have fun with my fellow Gigmigs and fun with future grabber friends or future Grabber masters~ Also to would be Grabbers I am trying to find a word for ticklers of whites who are white. Grabbers technically emply you capture people and that’s the only thing bothering me realy. Some suggest new term words for diverse ticklers who tickle whites or anything involving this them would be appreciated. Or just let me know if your ok with the term Grabber and how it comes to be used according to lore and what other additional Alternatives you would suggest being used along with the term Grabber or in it’s stead. I got a few ideals myself for giggle Milkees and grabbers but I’ll save those for another post. I’m getting tired this note is to long as is and I just to move on.

Please share if you like and support this Post ^^ and yes I do appreciat hearing people’s concerns, just watch about dictating me on what to do.

[star-puff]

Director’s Cut for requiem!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Please please please 💘

eden!! your love for requiem is always much appreciated <3

ok, it’s been a while since i’ve thought about requiem (literally it’s only been a month but my attention span is short LOL), but i will do a deep dive regardless.

i wouldn’t want to repeat myself, so i will tell you the conception of this piece by quoting the introduction of this post.

i must admit, i was never the biggest akaashi fan when i started watching hq. he was always there, never too noticeable in my mind to think much about him, but after writing nexilis, a hefty fic with 3k words, i was in need of something that was short and sweet. it needed to carry the sentiments i was feeling at the time without feeling too drawn out–and so requiem was born.

in the depths of the night, chopin’s ballade no. 1 in g major playing through my headphones, i wrote something merging two of the things that i loved: haikyuu and classical music. i must admit, i was also influenced by another show that i hold close to my heart, shigatsu wa kimi no uso, but i think the charm in requiem is how you can take what is written and interpret it in your own way.

and now, my own present thoughts, details and all:

requiem really felt like a dream to me. with chopin’s ballade no. 1 in g major and rachmaninoff’s arrangement of love’s sorrow blasting through my earbuds, the words flowed faster than anything i’ve ever written before. and i suppose that’s because the moment i wrote the first words, or even, the moment i thought of the concept for this fic, i already knew how i wanted it to end.

like i said, this was greatly inspired by shigatsu wa kimi no uso, almost to the point of it being a shigatsu au instead. i needed the readers to feel everything they needed to within a singular scene, and what better way to do that than with akaashi’s flashbacks?

music is something i believe can access even the deepest memories. the nostalgia you feel when you hear a song from your childhood, the way your heart clenches when you hear a song associated with a sad time in your life--music has power. it’s that same power that fits so perfectly with akaashi’s memories while performing the piece that is made up of him and the reader.

and with that comes the dynamics of the piece, both figuratively and literally. it starts with akaashi walking on stage, and preparing to bow. where he’s supposed to be seeing silhouettes of the audience, instead, he sees a memory of you.

There is a room with breeze tumbling through the curtains, cherry blossom petals finding the last vestiges of the wind as they flutter to the floor; there is a room with the two of you, music dancing through the air on the imaginary scoresheet you’ve created in the absence of something held dear.

i must admit, this is one of my favorite paragraphs i’ve written. it’s a little vague, the metaphoric imagery leaving things to the imagination, but personally, i think that adds to the fantastical and dreamlike energy of the flashback. because in the end, it did feel like a dream to him. time with you may have been stressful, it may have had its ups and downs, but to him, it was paradise.

and so, this begins his descension into the past, into his resentment. because you came into his life, doing what you wanted, and left, taking his heart with you.

He doesn’t know if he can forgive you for so boldly embedding yourself into his heart, his soul, his music, then abandoning everything and taking pieces of him with you. It’s a bitter thing, this resentment, and the chords hit harsher, swirling with the sounds of a winter’s wind. Love is never enough, it seems.

Akaashi wishes he’d never met you; he would have been content with his existence without your presence in his life. What was the point if you were just going to leave me behind?

and this bitterness is reflected in his playing. all his emotions are. he slams on the keys and the sound that comes out is harsh, it’s brutal, it’s filled with hurt and sorrow. and ironically, him realizing this is what stops his fall. because he remembers.

Akaashi,” you said softly, the moon quietly shining high above. He didn’t know why they were still there at that hour, sitting underneath the piano, but Akaashi tended to relent to your wishes if you pushed hard enough.

“Yes?”

You reached out, as if touching the sky. “The meaning of this piece? It’s loss.”

He breathes, his fingers losing their former weight. Akaashi accepts the reality of it, the ephemerality of you by his side.

I honestly love this last flashback so much. it portrays this sense of freedom, the realization that akaashi’s love is not a shackle chaining him to the bottom of the sea floor, but rather, it’s something that he holds willingly, to remember you by.

a small tidbit i’ve mentioned before, but somewhat subconsciously, i made the reader stick to calling akaashi by his surname, rather than keiji, to subtly indicate the distance between them. because you were never akaashi’s lover--you were just someone he loved.

to end this literal ESSAY??? i’ll close it on the ending of the fic, which i feel i successfully portrayed the delicacy and care that akaashi played his final notes with.

The last arpeggio is played gently, nothing more than a mere twinkle, and Akaashi closes his eyes on the final note, his hands lifting slowly from the keys. There are the cherry blossoms; there is the breeze.

This is your requiem.

“Remember me,” your spirit sings.

The sound fades to its last. He makes a promise deep in his heart, where the melody of your memory lives on.

Always.

send in a request for a director's cut!

[ailuronymy]

Book Club: Tallstar’s Revenge, chpt. 1-9 overview.

Thoughts on the new Windclan, courtesy of famed Erin Hunter impersonators: 

“DIRT BOYS!! LET'S MAKE THEM ALL DIRT BOYS!” -- K. 

"I understand we've stressed extensively that ALL Windclan love running and are skinny binches and need to be under the sky or they're sad, BUT half the clan has always been buff as fuck and live like moles :) :) we just didn't mention it before because it wasn't important to Harry's journey :) :) :)” -- S.

For this first share, we’ll keep to the questions posted earlier in the week so that there’s some kind of structure to what we’re doing! Please feel welcome to do the same and @ailuronymy + use the tag #ailuronymy writing challenge. Happy reading and I’m looking forward to seeing your feelings about this book. 

1. First impressions? 

S. better than Bluestar's Prophecy.   K.  Not as bad as BP but also hoo boy, you peel back the onion and it only gets uglier the more you think about it huh K.  Me, reading the book initially: Wow I actually kind of enjoyed this! Me now: I See. I See The Truth.

2. How did you feel reading this section?

S.  mostly the usual amount of exasperation! But it was also fun and I like Tallpaw K.  About the same! Not as bored as BP, and I do like Tallpaw, so that's a blessing in disguise.

3. What chapter did you find most interesting/moving/effective, and why?

S. probably the one where Heatherstar causes a ruckus and acknowledges Tallpaw's best interests. There was genuinely tension and it was refreshing to have a character in authority actually act reasonably towards Tallpaw.  K.  I agree, that one had me really excited to read.

4. What chapter did you find least interesting/effective/most frustrating, and why?

S.  I honestly struggled with chapter eight. If I have to read too much action being described, I black out. I just find it so boring. That's not actually a criticism at Erin Hunter. I just have a short attention span for people Doing Things that aren't talking, sword-fights, having big emotions, sex, or any combination. And even then, the sword-fights and/or sex still have to keep to a reasonable word limit or I wander away. I'm the worst. I'm literally like a child who only wants to eat sweets, but in written form.  S. I forgot basically all of chapter eight for the above reason of being terrible, so that's on me.

K. I have nothing written at all about Chapter 7. I liked seeing the apprentice training being like, at least marginally different than Thunderclan's but also It Sucked Bad Chapter Moving On.

5. Is there a passage that stuck in your mind–for good, or not-so-good reasons? What is it, and why did it stand out? Try breaking it down and analysing what this passage does and how.

S. I actually had a nice time reading about Plumclaw and Tallkit interacting. She was talking him through having his first mouse, I think, and it was genuinely sweet and moving in a way that Erin Hunter's writing almost never is. There was a legit connection and for a moment, I actually believed in these characters as people who lived together and actually have relationships and care. That’s really what I’m about, so it was a pleasant surprise to find in this book. 

K. I have two brief passages for different reasons:  “He’s my son,” Sandgorse snarled. “I’ll decide his future.” Heatherstar  stiffened.  “I decide  the  future  of my warriors.” LOVE Heatherstar showing the fuck up. Absolute legend. K. “Tallkit heard worry in her mew. “Is that why we tunnel under the moor?” he asked. “To hide from the dead warriors in other Clans?” — First tunnelling mention! The idea of Windclan taking shelter from/expertly evading the ghosts of their enemies because of their speed is honestly pretty fun, but I don’t trust the Erins with it one bit. K. This kind of legend is something I think I'd much prefer in like, a Watership Down style myth or story? K. But not if Erin's touching it. S. I was like, "oh this is the sickest thing you've ever--no no no no no" K. (oh, and just for fun, one of my other fave quotes was Dawnstripe saying "We guard the edge of the world." That felt cool.)

6. What themes did you notice in these chapters? What motifs or repeated symbolism/description appeared to you?

K.  Love is a big one, obvs. K.  Also, lots of stories and storytelling? Which feels just like Erin slapping more bullshit in here but like, that feels kinda relevant.

S. I struggled to find cohesive themes in this chunk, except I think division? The division between the tunnellers and moor runners, between Tallpaw and his mum, between Heatherstar and her clan. That's really what popped for me.

K.  Oh, and like... expectations. The clan's expectations of Heatherstar, Sandgorse's of Tallpaw, Tallpaw's expectations for himself.

7. How do you feel about the characters, their motivation, their choices?

K.  They're like. Not the worst? Lots of them fucking suck, as usual. But I'm at least very happy that I actually want to see Tallpaw succeed and grow. Also Heatherstar and Dawnstripe and Barkpaw are great.

S. I like Tallpaw! That's a lot of projection on my part, but I've found him a lot less grating than Bluepaw (who I also wanted to love). S. One of my first major aggravations in the early chapters is Shrewpaw. He's unbearable, and what makes him so is the one-note bullying. It's the equivalent of reading someone go, "I'm not touching you," in an annoying voice for nine chapters, which I feel is another example of Erin Hunter's habit of repetition.  There was less of that in this book than BP, but I still counted a few instances of cats having the same conversation a few times. S. The other cat I can't stand is Sandgorse. My god. That moment when he tells his literal infant son to go cheer up his depressed mother made me just about scream. S. “Go cheer up your mother, child” GO CHEER UP YOUR WIFE, HUSBAND

K.  This is where it's gonna get interesting, because I think my fucking senses were dulled by how much Erin fucked up dads last time, because I didn't hate him off the hop!

S. To me, he smacks of a lowkey toxic masculinity. And the kind of emotional manipulation he does makes me [narrow eyes]. S. (I didn't take very good notes about this bit, because I forgot. I only have "Sandgorse is such a loser" but I trust past me's judgement).

K.  I strongly do think that my impression of Sandgorse is different if only because I think I was so tired at seeing all the non-existent dads in Bluestar's Prophecy that the fact that he actually has conversations with his son and wife for more than like, a sentence, made me go "Oh thank god" And maybe this too is a bit of a projection, but I sort of initially saw him as like... that well-meaning dad who tries to be nice but still manages to fuck up and not actually listen to what people need at all. Like, the classic stupid dad in a bad TV movie who has A Dream for his kid. Where he doesn't mean to be an asshole, he just thinks he's right and that his kid agrees with him because Why Wouldn't He. So I think I took a lot of his dialogue and actions to be a bit more well-meaning-but-still-not-great rather than fully toxic. Obviously it doesn't end well for anyone, but I guess I've just seen too many father figures go around with nice intentions who have absolutely Zero ability at reading a room let alone their kids

S. I think for me, that is the problem. And I think I am less forgiving towards it.

K. Stormtail [Bluestar’s father, Bluestar’s Prophecy] feels like more of the asshole dad, to me, but like. They're both different brands of Not Good.

S. Stormtail is super just a complete prick, no doubt. I think Sandgorse is more engaged with his kid, for sure. But I think it's a very hollow engagement, because he denies everything about Tallpaw's actual personality and desires and just sees him as an extension of himself to control. Which is sort of parental abuse 101.

K. Oh, and while we're discussing them: Palebird huh. Again, Erins, can't write a woman, but like. I don't know, I think that like... she felt like a neat character for the first chapter and now they're doing their Bad Things with her by making her boring and Just Sad and kind of useless in the background for them to mess with and probably kill off later. Like, she doesn't have a whole lot of personality, but she could. S. I think I'd like all the characters more if I spent less time with them. Like, I think for me, the pace is too slow, the dialogue is too long, and because of that, I get bored and annoyed with the characters. Whereas I think if it was only a couple of chapters, forcing the dialogue to be more punchy and illuminating of their character, and less mired in sadness (Palebird) or digging stupid holes (Sandgorse) or bullying (Shrewpaw), I'd have a lot more fun. But as it stands, Palebird starts talking and I start zoning out because they've really done her so dirty in this.

8. If you could ask any character in this section a question, what question would you ask them?

K. Heatherstar: How does it feel to be the baddest bitch in the room at any given moment K. Palebird: Why the FUCK are you with this bastard K. Sandgorse: WHY are you LIKE THAT ALL THE TIME

S. Barkpaw: what is it about learning medicine that you love? Or.... Barkpaw: how did you decide to give up your future with others, for a future in medicine? What was that decision like?

K.  A more serious question from me, hehe: Tallpaw - If no one was watching, what would make you happiest to do or say? K.  Shrewpaw: What about yourself do you feel most inadequate about? What part of that drives you to act towards others like you do?

S. Shrewpaw: what's your fucking damage, buddy?

9. In your opinion, what is “world-building” and how important is it to you as a reader (or writer)? How do you feel about the world-building of these chapters so far? If you could, would you change anything, and what would you change?

S. Oh, I hate it. S.  What's hilarious is that for maybe the first time ever Erin Hunter is putting effort in. You can see how hard they're working to make tunnelling sound "cool" or relevant, how they're describing all these tunnel-related skills and techniques the way they do with fighting or whatever. S. And the irony is it's such a wasted effort because personally? Could not care less. This world-building enraptures me none amount and I spend the whole time scoffing like, sure Jan. 

K. One of my notes off the hop is: "I know that Erin’s trying to like… make Windclan look unique by adding these new positions, but just labelling some warriors as “moor runners” doesn’t cut it. Their job is: “hunting and patrolling the borders”. That’s just? An average warrior thing to do? It’s not special, and naming it something fancy doesn’t make me feel like you’re actually adding anything to Windclan’s mythology here." Which is really just tunnel adjacent, but it's still relevant.

K.  Other choice tunneling notes:  "...Listen, I get it, inter-clan conflict is wonderful. But WHY do the moor runners and tunnellers hate each other? If the tunnels are so important to Windclan’s way of life, SURELY the above-ground warriors would feel respect for them? And if Windclan holds such value in their tunnels (Palebird literally just said that the tunnels mean they’re “stronger and cleverer” than the other clans), then WHY would Windclan cats hate them for it?? To have this weird seemingly generational distrust between the two castes is just. Fucking bananas." k. "Hey Erin: Why introduce the tunnellers at all if you keep putting them down and saying how much worse it would be to be one. What’s the point."

S. “I'm still not over the fact they're [Erin Hunter] like... "what can we do to make Windclan, the clan who famous won't even build nests because they like to live under the stars, special and different from the rest... oh I fucking know."

K. "Why is no one in charge in this clan that’s been a tunneller?? Heatherstar and Reedfeather just… fully don’t understand tunnelling and tunnellers needs?? If I were making this system, I’d have it be mandatory that the leader and deputy have to be one from either caste." S. Why not just ban it already. S. I mean, the book tries so hard to convince us tunnelling is useful. I believe none of it.

K. ALSO why don't the tunnelers b a t h e K. "They're permanently soiled with dirt and soot" DO THEY BATHE??? DO THEY?? WHY DO YOU HATE THIS NEW CASTE THAT YOU SEEM TO LOVE? K. Erin Hunter: look at my cool new worldbuilding set! I'm going to shit on it for an entire book

K.  Like. I'm having a hard time pinpointing what I would do better, but like...  I think I want it to feel 1) more cohesive and believable. 2) It needs to be useful and cement this clan as a group of living, working people. It has to make some kind of sense (to an extent) but also have a purpose! 3) sometimes worldbuilding doesn't need to be "uhh they need more jobs" sometimes it can be "we have this myth about running faster than the ghosts of our enemies" and that's just as successful if you do it right. Like, Erin thought you needed to entirely overhaul Windclan and make them Different to make them better. Instead of working with what's already there!

S. I personally feel it doesn't take much to make the clans really different from each other, and it's more the subtle things that make huge differences, not--like you said--more jobs or anything.  Really don't want to blow my own horn, but like, to use the chapter I just wrote as an example: just by making elders vote to make major decisions alters the clan significantly. That's just one thing, that's putting different emphasis and a new swing on a preexisting facet of every clan.  But immediately you get the effect and it has run-on effects too, which is what good world-building should do. It should be hard to remove any one piece without the whole castle crashing down. And this book is basically about how removing one “major” piece (tunnelling) effectively didn’t change anything, really.  K.  It just doesn't feel right to me! It's too big a change to feel natural, let alone how fucking bad it is.

K. And like, honestly, the Erins even did okay with just highlighting the territory and environmental differences! I've read all the different fucking ways they can write a forest after 30 books and they really have written them all. Even just making THAT a focal point helped to make this book feel somewhat distinct and fresh! 

S. One of my long-standing gripes with Erin Hunter is that their environments are boring and basic and they need way more close detail on plants and whatnot but that is a personal preference, and not actually a flaw. Although admittedly, if you do spend time making an environment interesting, it turns out that becomes a reason to read and a pleasure, instead of something you have to trudge through to get to the Actually Good Bits. But that's not what they're about and I can acknowledge that, if not respect it. 

Extra notes:

S. [Sandgorse’s] basically the dad equivalent of a pageant mum? K. Yeah! K. Sports Dads are just Pageant Mom Regional Variants. S. Oh my god. 

K. The story isn't about [Palebird] and at this point it just feels kind of sad to have her onscreen. S. Yeah, I get the feeling she exists to make Tallstar feels unloved, basically. K. Which sucks! S. "Your mum likes your dead sibling more" is uhh a brutal way to tell a story, Erin.

K. For one: Barkpaw is... the best cat S. YES S. My boy.  K. The Erins only know three medicine cats: Softe, Don't Fucking Touch Me, or The Only Reasonable Gay

K.  1) “Tallpaw swallowed a purr. “No racing, I promise. No having fun whatsoever on the dawn patrol.” I Love Him. 2) Dawnstripe seems nice and I think she and Stonepelt need to be friends. 3) I loved Tallpaw's little chase sequence and how clever he is :>

S. I just can't get over how much it breaks my suspension of disbelief to imagine cats digging. S. Of all things.  S. I can tolerate the bullshit fighting better than I can believe cats digging with any efficiency whatsoever. K. They remind me of the Meerkats from Lion King 1/2. K. And I. K. Despise. K. That film. S. Windclan: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U76zyUFg3Xo K. PLEASE END MY SUFFERING

K. I think what pisses me off about [Shrewpaw] the most, sidebar, is that he's like this from the start. Who is teaching him this??? Who is raising this little monster boy???? Who in Windclan is just? rearing xenophobes???? S. Like, he's newly born and walking around being a little fascist. S. And no-one is doing anything about it! All the adults are like, "huh, yeah, kids, am I right?" K. He isn't even as cool as Thistleclaw! He's just a little mean weasel boy! S. Sandgorse is literally like, "yeah that little weak moor runner punk child, what a coward, scared of getting sand in his eyes." Like, that's not the right response At All. K. EVERYONE IS SO RACIST ALL THE TIME SEND TWEET S. And none of the moor runners are being like, "hey stop calling him wormcat, his name is Tallpaw and he's your clanmate." S. Additional sidebar: Shrewpaw calling Tallpaw "wormcat" is my favourite thing in the book. S. It's like if I walked up to a nerd I didn't like and was just like, "lol wormboy." S. Devastating. K. RIGHT S. It's so funny. I was literally there like, "okay this is bad behaviour, Shrewpaw, that's not the right way to act, but also? fucking hilarious." K. It was funny at the start and now that it's his Thing it's even more funny. Like you can't think of anything better to say that you keep invoking the "Wouldn't you like to know, weather boy?" goof at all hours. S. It kind of reminded me of the time I was teaching and I had to put a ban on the word "Elmo" because the kids kept basically making it a slur on each other, but it was also the funniest thing and it was SO HARD not to fucking lose it. S. Me, being a good teacher: "All right, that's enough, no-one is allowed to call anyone else 'Elmo' anymore." S. Me on the inside: [dying]

[unordinary-analysis]

Episode 159

So apparently “later in the week” means ‘literally next week’ for me digiudgg

Also, I won’t be able to post the day the comic comes out because christmas and all that and family idk so I just want to say HAPPY HOLIDAYS :DD hope you guys have a nice time :))

Honorable mentions:

Very happy that the theory is thriving

I love Arlo with all of my heart and soul there i’ve finally said it

Do we know yet if Arlo knows that Cecile is working with John? I can remember the superhero posse knowing it, but did the info ever reach arlo? Comment if i forgot something lol

I’ve talked about all of the possibilities of a joker impersonator in recent posts, so I won’t go into all of that again here. You see, it’s laziness. I’m sure you guys understand lol.

I literally don’t know how to write this in a detailed way which is why it’s in the honorable mentions, but I just feel that Cecile has to just snap soon right? I’ve been hyped about her character as a whole for so long ugh, I just need some developments

I say “anyways” a lot. Is it too much? lol

Okay, first of all: Elaine:

    Elaine, elaine, elaine, elaine, elaine, you’ve finally done it. You’ve interested me.

    Harsh, I know, but honestly, she hasn’t really been doing much. I thought her character was cool to read a couple of times when she was literally terrified to death of Joker, but now I feel that her intrigue is actually due to her own self if that makes sense? Anyways-

    Moving past the obvious difference in her hair (only because I’ve already pointed that out lol), In this episode, WE GET TO SEE ELAINE IN OFFENSE MODE OEIRHGIWUHIWUH

    I’ve been hungry for some good developments on people’s powers ugh. It’s been dry ever since we saw Isen fight like forever ago. Or maybe Cecile. I don’t know. I just like to see people fighting oof. Anyway, we don’t even get much of Elaine fighting, all we see is like a block and a punch, but that’s not even really the only thing I’m excited about seeing.

    More so than other characters, Elaine has always been this docile type, you know? She’s just there whenever anyone needs healing and whenever someone needs someone to yell at them for being stupid. All Elaine ever is is worried, scared, and submissive. Well, not counting the beginning of the comic because I’m still not over that loss. Her character at the beginning of UnOrdinary? Superb. She was bitchy and yet weak at the same time. Classic combo. Anyways~ ;-; 

    Elaine is usually terrified of something and rarely stands up for herself or anything else, so seeing her stand up for herself, kind of, in this episode was really something to see. It wasn’t something big but, it was just a breath of fresh air to see a defiant side of Elaine. I wonder, is she growing more and more fed up of being weak? Is she done being scared? I don’t even know if she has the power to stop being scared, but, I don’t know. I’m kind of intrigued by the possibility of Elaine just snapping, aren’t you?

My main man: Arlo: 

    It’s got to be so weird going back to school after everything that went down, huh? Yet, the way that the safety of the school is still on Arlo’s mind? Even after he was publicly dethroned and now that everyone is staring at him wherever he goes? That’s the real evidence of what a true leader Arlo was. The best king we’ve seen in the UnOrdinary world I said what i said. And now he’s not even king anymore? Sidfhsiufhsiguh

    And the fact that Elaine went straight to him when she found a problem? It’s obvious that everyone still thinks of Arlo as the king. 

    I’m just in awe that Arlo’s first priority seems to be the school. It really… just helps paint Arlo in this different light. I’ve made countless posts talking about how he is obsessed with order because of the influence left on him by Rei and Rei’s failure, but now that his hierarchy has fallen apart, he hasn’t exactly reacted in the way I always used to think he would. And, yes, this is very late considering how long ago John ruined the hierarchy, but I haven’t talked about it yet I think so I’m here now. 

    I used to think that Arlo loved order so much. That maintaining it was his ultimate goal. I’m positive I’ve said that a few times before at least. But, it’s easy to see now that it goes deeper than that. Arlo really loves his school or at least he feels he owes it something, something that runs deeper than the surface hierarchy. And I’m not even sure if he’s always been like that or if it’s changed over the course of the story. I can’t ever seem to tell, no matter what, if Arlo’s character really has developed, or if I just never saw an aspect of him. It’s infuriating and yet so interesting at the same time…

    Anyway.

    Arlo’s rage is also something I want to touch on. It’s not exactly something new, but compared to the beginning of the story, it’s definitely something much more common recently, even though he usually is able to maintain a cool now as well. In this episode, Arlo punched a wall hard out of anger, which wouldn’t exactly be news for characters like Blyke or John, and maybe wouldn’t be for Arlo either, but I can’t help thinking about how out of character it would be for the Arlo of the comic’s beginning, at the beginning of season one. I feel that anger is something that we’re only being introduced to in regards to Arlo, like easing yourself into cold water, you know? Yeah sure, it doesn’t feel too out of character for Arlo to get so angry he literally decimates a wall, but it feels like every time he loses his cool, it either gets more over the top or it is incited by smaller and smaller things. His tendency to turn to anger is getting bigger. Arlo is angrier now than he’s ever been. 

    But, Just as I just said. I can’t tell if this is a totally new thing for Arlo, the anger, or if it’s been inside of him all along, just brewing beneath the surface, repressed in a way, similar to John. Except John knows what he’s running from. I don’t really know what I’m saying I just really love that uru-chan is tapping into Arlo’s emotions more and more as the story goes on because I can’t tell if they really are new things for Arlo or if they’re finally getting the best of him.

    Wording is hard so I have no idea if that last section makes sense.

    So: summary: I’m currently waiting for some sort of enlightenment on Arlo’s emotional state and character growth because damn

We love our dark king John: 

    So, um. John.

    He’s really something, isn’t he.

    I can never just hate him… no matter what he does… because everything he does is just so interesting. 

    Anyway back on topic. John’s current motives are actually really interesting. I’m not sure if I’ve talked about this yet because to be honest every time I write one of these, I rarely ever go back to see what I’ve already written in previous weeks and I never just remember because once I post one of these, you can bet that it’s out of mind. I know that John really just wants to create chaos. That’s clear enough. He stated basically that Arlo when he said he was taking down the hierarchy. But the thing is, I really don’t get why John is so for chaos? Like? I understand taking down the hierarchy because everything John hates about life, about his life, it really has stemmed from this system, the hierarchy. And finally after Arlo proved once again that the hierarchy could do nothing but hurt him, John vows to destroy it. Makes sense. And when the hierarchy is destroyed, obviously chaos is going to occur. That’s inevitable. We saw something similar with Rei and just basic sense seems to suggest that people do not not know how to function when there aren’t rules to follow. That’s chaos. Got that. But while John’s hate for the hierarchy and motive to destroy it make sense and the natural path that follows that leads to chaos, it’s John’s particular want for this chaos that keeps throwing me off.

    I don’t get why John wants chaos. I don’t get it. I don’t, okay? You know, he was a lot easier to understand when the only things he had going on were a. Lie to sera and b. Take down the hierarchy. But, yay, he’s achieved those things (some more successfully than others), and now..?? Why would John want chaos?

    I’m just repeating myself in hopes of making sense of my own thoughts but I can’t. I really don’t know why John seems so keen for Wellston running itself into the ground.

    So I’m deadass going to leave this here until I can think properly or something iuwfisuhg. I don’t know. It’s kind of late and I have to be up early tomorrow.

Some developments on the imposter Joker theory:

    Yeah, so, this isn’t really a theory aymore. It’s kind of proven now, but still it’s an easy way to refer to the whole situation. Anyway, on my longer post before specifically on this, I pointed out that because it used to be a common belief among low-tiers that Tuesday (back when he still was Tuesday) was Arlo, even though Arlo’s eyes glow blue and John’s glow orange. So: I said that it was likely that students can’t see the color of the eye glow or whatever through the mask. 

    This was only supported by this episode because not once does Elaine mention the color of the imposter’s eyes when determining that it is indeed an imposter. She thinks, “Wait a minute…! Something isn’t right here! That’s not John! …. This imposter’s ability level is nothing compared to the real Joker!” And that’s about it. So. Yeah. I think I was right about the eye thing. Not much else to say lol.

        Something else I want to say about the Joker imposter thing is that it really doesn’t matter who each imposter is. We wasted breath trying to think of who the first imposter was and if they don’t keep the same one, it doesn’t really matter. So because this imposter was not the same as the last, I think we can move on from this particular guessing game.

[youremyonlyhope]

Spyfall Part 2

Yay part 2! I’m so ready. Give me more.

While on my lunch break at work today, I nearly opened tumblr on my phone. Then I realized it was after 2pm so the episode was currently airing in Britain. I could have been spoiled if I hadn’t stopped myself. 

I see the Doctor is still talking to herself. Old habits die hard. “Don’t panic.” Love Hitchhiker’s Guide. “RYAN.” HUH “RYAN SINCLAIR?” WHAT? This is reminding me of something... what am I being reminded of... BLINK MAYBE??? YES THIS IS JUST LIKE “SALLY SPARROW DUCK NOW.” THIS IS BLINK. IS THIS BLINK? BECAUSE THIS IS BLINK. ...Who in the world is this lady... “Obviously I’m a recording and can’t hear you.” THIS IS BLINK. Also this is throwing shade at Blink with the “Obviously” part...  It is his TARDIS!!!! IT’S A TARDIS. THE HOUSE IS A TARDIS. THE FANS WERE RIGHT. At first, I wasn’t sure if it was a TARDIS or just the Master making a joke by having the house fly by them. But nope, IT’S A TARDIS. I literally screamed “IT’S A TARDIS” out loud. “Magic Apparrating Man! Lady. Apparrating Lady! Every time...” That made my dad laugh. But I mean, 1100 years at least of being a man, not counting the 4 billion years in the confession dial. It takes getting used to. Marooned in the past. Chibnall, I really hate to say this, but this is becoming a little too similar to Blink. Just because of the being trapped in the past and leaving messages for the present thing. The lace bonnet had looked super.... weird in the other realm. In a cool way. A way that made me wonder what material it was made of and if she was really from the mid 1800s or if she was just an alien with clothing that imitated the style. Because the way the lace glowed was cool. Also. Why does Ada seem familiar to me? OH NO. Lol. “O no.” I didn’t even do that on purpose. That face she made as she realized the Master’s not in control was such a Doctor face. “Ada, I really do not approve.” Aww Doctor. Never change. I like the old lady taking a picture with an iPad. Yaz calling her mom is a very Martha move and I approve. The Silver Lady was in the Master’s TARDIS.... “From his master” oh ok. “Multiple time periods” OOoohhhhh. Not multiple Earth dimensions then. I was gonna say that I was thinking of Weeping Angels earlier in the day today... I’m not saying these are Weeping Angels... but getting the vibes from the time travel and pulling people in and out and stuff. Oh and I was right that they can transport people purposefully. Did I say that in the last post? I can’t remember. But when Yaz was transported last episode I was like “So they can transport people places?” and the answer is a definite yes, and also in time. Also. Ada Lovelace. I know that name... I know I know that name... “Deep breath” ok now I miss Twelve. Of course it’s WWII. This music reminds me of like... Star Wars... Something from the sequel trilogy sounds like this... or at least has this vibe... Also. I don’t know how I feel about an Indian man in a Nazi uniform. That just... they wouldn’t have let him do that, first of all. Second of all, can we not? These are all women so far that the Doctor is bumping into... And I feel like it’s meaningful... Why would he do that to his mom? Noor Khan, I feel like I DEFINITELY have heard of her. Important women in science? I’m guessing Ada was a mathematician I think, but I can’t really remember. “They promised us that a war on this scale would never happen again.” “This is not the first time?” Ugh. WWI and pre-WWI people finding out about WWII always hurts. IT’S THE DOCTOR DOING THE SOUND OF THE DRUMS. Just the sound of the drums gives me chills. Is this a Old Who thing? The mind reading? She said it was classic. “Not exactly the Aryan archetype.” THAT’S WHAT I WAS SAYING. OOoooooh a perception filter. So they think he’s white. Ok. Ok that’s better.

Also, I’m sorta glad they’re actually addressing race affecting time travel to different time periods. They didn’t do it with Martha enough/at all. They tried to do it with Bill, and I did appreciate the “History is a whitewash” and London being blacker than Bill thought it was, but because London was diverse it wasn’t really an issue (besides the racist the Doctor punched). But I’m glad this is an actual situation where being another race is genuinely DANGEROUS since that’s how it was.

“Look after my mum” So is she not dead? Or is he mocking them? They can’t have destroyed Gallifrey again. He’s lying It was probably the Master himself that killed everyone if he’s not lying. “How else would I get your attention?” Awwww. That’s almost sweet. It’s sweet by Master standards ok. Ok... letting Nazis attack the Master... for being a spy... while he’s a person of color... is pretty harsh... Of course the Nazis can’t do much damage... And the Master did willing side with them to find the Doctor... But still... Very harsh... I guess after everything the Master has done... Maybe he deserves to be on the receiving end of racism since he hates humans so much... But still. “Forget you heard that word.... Otherwise I’ve just disrupted the whole of history. Again.” Doctor. Babe. Control yourself. Ok so it was people who were important in the development of computers in general. Cool cool cool. I appreciate that Ada and Noor were the ones the Doctor specifically bumped into. “You kept clicking agree” Yeah... yeah... he got us there. “This is like the Matrix” - My Dad. OH wow the Master came the long way round. 77 years. I’d almost say poor dude. Conversion!?!? NO. NOT CYBERMAN! IF THERE’S CYBERMEN THEN IS THIS A 3-PARTER?! “Oh.” “That’s your name.” HA. HA, good one Doctor. “I forgot the plane!” No you didn’t, Doctor. Don’t worry. You can do it anytime, as long as you do it at some point. “Are we being replaced?” Oh Graham. But also, I want the next companions to be from the past. See in Blink we didn’t get to see the Doctor setting everything up like we’re seeing it now. So that’s cool. Imagine if we had seen Martha standing behind the camera annoyed, then running around to say “I gotta support him!” That could have been fun. I think I just want more Martha in Blink. “The Fascists. Do they win?” “Never” Yeah I really hope not, but time is repeating itself. I guess it will also repeat them not winning. That’s sweet that the Doctor still wants her to know that computers are a thing because of Ada. And I appreciate that the show didn’t try to be like “She helped make computers because of the Doctor.” because no, she made them because she was always going to. Oh wow we’re going back to Gallifrey?? We haven’t been in a while. Been wondering if we would.

I didn’t write anything for the last few minutes because I’m just like... HUH.

First of all, I knew the Master did it. Called it.

Second of all. I was like “Oh no. The Doctor just got Gallifrey back, do we HAVE to take it away again? To make her angsty?” Then we heard the Master’s reason for destroying it and I was like ok maybe there’s justification.

Third of all. The Time Lords have always sucked. We’ve known this forever.  The Doctor has said that the Time Lords went wrong at the end of the Time War and that they choose to remember them in a good way and forget the ugly side. So we know the Time Lords suck. That’s not a surprise. What is it that they did that was so bad, the MASTER of all people felt the need to put an end to it? The Master. As in the little boy who was driven crazy because the Time Lords chose to put the Sound of the Drums in his head and use him as a weapon. He didn’t destroy Gallifrey then, so what could be worse than that? Do I even want to know? They’ll tell us, but I don’t know if I want to hear it. We might be going very dark this season...

Fourth of all, yay! They’re asking the Doctor questions and she’s answering! Yay! And Yaz asking “Can we go to your planet?” was the second Martha thing she did.

And fifth, yay! We’re probably getting an overarching theme this season! And maybe the Master isn’t completely evil, since everyone’s so worried about Missy’s redemption! He’s just hurt by what he found, felt he had to destroy Gallifrey, and is still upset about it. When he said the Timeless Child I literally said out loud “OH. OH ok so we’re really doing this then.” because I felt like all the predictions of the Timeless Child being involved were probably right... but not like this.

EPIPHANY. What if he really was just doing all this to get the Doctor’s attention? He wants the Doctor share the burden of the truth, but doesn’t know any other way to get her to listen besides do horrible things. What if he didn’t kill, plot, and plan just for the hell of it and maybe rub Gallifrey in the Doctor’s face, but the ultimate goal was to get that message to the Doctor so the Doctor could find out about Gallifrey.

Honestly I’m concerned about what it is that the Time Lords lied about. What did the Master mean by “who we are as a species” like... I’m scared.

Also halfway through the episode my mom came in (she’s super behind, as in she hasn’t even watched Capaldi’s seasons yet) and she said “You have to stop screaming ‘IT’S A TARDIS IT’S A TARDIS’ of course it’s a TARDIS that’s what she drives.” So apparently my mom heard my freak out over the Master’s TARDIS. She heard me screaming last episode too when I was jumping at the Master reveal.

Anyway. Sorta Blink-esque in that Ryan, Yaz, and Graham being saved is an endless loop if causing itself because of previously planted messages from the Doctor. But also, we got a mini history lesson, which was the point of Doctor Who in the first place. Gallifrey’s gone and apparently Time Lords suck, but what else is new. And we got the Master finding out the effect that race has in certain (or all) time periods. Hopefully the Master’s back soon. We really were spoiled rotten by Season 10 when they gave us Missy in like half of the episodes. I need more Master. Give me more Master.

[phoenix-downer]

The Keyblade Graveyard Part 1: Japanese and English Comparison

This is the fifth in a series of translation and analysis posts I’ve done about KH3. I’ll be talking about KH3 in the context of Westerns, briefly touch on a possible connection to jidaigeki, go into detail on camera angles and camera shots, and, of course, discuss translation and the social aspects of language.

I’ve broken up this analysis into multiple parts because it was getting so long. This part will cover Aqua and Ven’s interactions with Terranort, the next will cover when he attacks Lea and Kairi, and so on and so forth up through when the Demon Tide sweeps Sora away. 

Here’s a general key for the kind of analysis I like to do:

JP: Official Japanese Dialogue

EN: Official English Dialogue

TR: My Translation (usually more literal and thus more stilted than the official English version. I’m not using natural-sounding English in order to stick as close to the Japanese versions of the lines as possible for the purpose of analysis)

Notes: things I found interesting, grammatical points, extra thoughts, etc.

One last note: media doesn’t exist in a vacuum. Every work of art must be viewed through the cultural lens of the people who made it. Kingdom Hearts, for all its ties to Disney, is still very much a Japanese game, so it should be analyzed in light of that.

With that in mind, let’s continue.

Terra’s introduction is like a cowboy in a Western with the dramatic smoke:

The cinematography of this whole scene strikes me as inspired by Westerns and/or Samurai cinema (chanbara, a subcategory of jidaigeki, or period films). The two genres of film have had a large influence on each other (Akira Kurosawa’s classic Seven Samurai was remade as The Magnificent Seven in the US, for example, and Akira Kurosawa was a fan of the American director John Ford), so this speculation might not be that far off.

This screenshot from the trailer for Seven Samurai, for example, shows a similar “dramatic smoke/dust” moment, which makes me think that this may be a trope in Samurai cinema as well:

The setting of the Keyblade Graveyard itself calls to mind the setting of a lot of Westerns, with its smoke and dust and craggy hills and desert. The conflict even takes place in a graveyard, much like the final standoff in The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly, one of the most famous Westerns of all time (technically a Spaghetti Western, or a Western made in Italy - in this case directed by Italian director Sergio Leone):

Anyway, continuing on. Terra is here, but he’s looking at the ground and not making eye contact with anyone:

Ven is the first to notice him, and he calls his name...

JP テラ！

EN Terra!

TR Terra!

...before taking off after to him, which stresses Aqua out (and rightfully so - can you blame her for being on edge about everyone’s safety here, especially Ven’s?):

JP ヴェン！

EN Ven!

TR Ven!

We get this wide shot of Ven running to Terra while he just sort of stands there:

There are a number of shots like this in the scene that really emphasize the scale of the conflict by showing how small the human players are compared to the setting.

This ties in well to the theme that the characters cannot change their fate - they’re just playthings of it. The Keyblade Graveyard will still be there long after they’re dead, much like how it is still here after all the people who fought in the Keyblade War died. And while Sora does later change fate, he has to face the consequences. Death claims its prize in the end.

Ven latches onto Terra’s wrist, and the camera focuses on their hands:

And then we get this over the shoulder shot that is also at a bit of a high angle to emphasize Ven’s vulnerability:

JP テラやっと会えた！

EN Terra! We found you!

TR Terra! We could meet at last!

Notes: The Japanese phrasing is a little different than the English version, but the same general meaning gets across. Ven is excited to see Terra again. His use of yatto implies it’s been a while, and he uses the potential form for meet, hence why I translated this as “could meet” despite how awkward it sounds in English.

We get this reverse over the shoulder shot from a lower angle to emphasize Terra’s greater size and strength compared to Ven:

Now, Aqua has Seen Things™ in the Realm of Darkness, and she is quick to ask if this is really the Terra they know and love. No doubt she has in mind the time they met in the Realm of Darkness and Xehanort took control of him:

JP テラ　本当にテラなの？

EN Terra, please say you’re in there.

TR Terra, is that really you? (Literally: Is [that] really Terra?)

Notes: Japanese tends to use names more than English does, whereas English favors the use of pronouns, hence why Aqua repeats Terra’s name twice in her question in the Japanese version.

She uses the ~nano construction to check for confirmation - she wants to believe this is Terra, but she has her doubts.

We get this extreme close up shot of Terra’s eyes to emphasize that while yes, they are blue, they seem a little empty and soulless:

Something I noticed about Kingdom Hearts 3 is that there are a lot of extreme close up shots like this, especially of the characters’ eyes.

Well, as I was doing some research for this analysis, it turns out this type of shot is also sometimes called an Italian shot, named for... you guessed it, Sergio Leone, who popularized it in his Spaghetti Western films.

Here’s an example of this type of shot from The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly:

The emphasis of this type of shot is on the character’s emotions, and it serves to heighten the dramatic tension of the scene. Multiple times throughout the Keyblade Graveyard, we’ll get extreme close up shots like this that have just such an effect.

On a side note, I never noticed this many extreme close up shots in a Kingdom Hearts game before. I wonder if they hired new cutscene director(s) to work on the game who left their unique mark on it, or if the graphics capabilities of UE4 allowed them to experiment around with the cinematography more than they could in the past.

Continuing on, we see Aqua’s reaction to Terra’s soulless gaze:

She immediately moves to put herself between Ven and Terra, selfless to the end:

Ven sounds downright annoyed in the Japanese version and confused/questioning in the English version, but Aqua doesn’t care, she’s keeping him safe. Note how tense Sora is in the background:

JP 何だよアクア！

EN What gives, Aqua?

TR What(’s going on), Aqua?

Notes: Ven uses the emphatic particle yo in the Japanese version to show his annoyance with Aqua here - they’re finally all together again and yet she’s pushing him away from Terra? What gives?

The camera changes to this wide shot, once again emphasizing the epic scale of this very human conflict:

JP あなたの中にテラはいない

EN I know that you’re not him.

TR Terra isn’t inside of you.

Notes: Aqua knows the problem. Terra, or perhaps more specifically, Terra’s heart, is not inside of the body before them now. Aqua sounds angry and frustrated in her delivery in the Japanese version. She’s sick of this happening, sick of Terra still being lost to them.

Ven gasps in this next shot to indicate his surprise:

And Aqua sounds very angry/upset in the Japanese version as she commands Xehanort to release Terra. The camera angle is low again to show how Terra is towering over them, to hint at the power imbalance that we will soon see play out:

JP テラの体を返しなさい！

EN Now, let our friend go!

TR Return Terra’s body (to him)!

Notes: When Aqua was addressing Terra earlier, she used casual/intimate grammar forms. Japanese has an entire system of conjugation based on social dynamics - there are polite and casual forms of verbs, there are honorifics, humble expressions, rude expressions... all to express the relationship between the speaker and the addressee.

Aqua switches to a more polite form here. This could be because she wants to indicate social distance from Xehanort. It certainly isn’t used to be polite. This isn’t her friend; this is the man who ruined her friends’ lives as well as her own. She commands him to return Terra’s body using the honorific form nasai in a way that sounds like she’s scolding him. It’s possible she also chooses to use this particular command form as a mark of feminine speech, instead of using one of the coarser/more direct command forms at her disposal.

The camera tilts up, still at that low angle to emphasize Terra’s relative size and height advantage, and he (well, more like the heart inside of him) smirks:

We see his hair change color in a close up shot:

And then Ven’s horrified reaction. After all, he never knew what happened to Terra (as far as I can remember). The shot here really emphasizes his emotions by centering him in the frame head-on:

Fate of the Unknown has begun to play, very fitting for this scene, as Terra’s fate smacks Ven in the face (and the audience as well, for that matter). Note how everyone is ready for a fight, even if their Keyblades aren’t out yet. Knees bent, arms outstretched, or, in Goofy’s case, balled into fists:

Then we get this close up shot of Terranort’s face. His hair is fully silver and his eyes are yellow, and Mickey proclaims what has become of Terra:

JP これで１３人目ー

EN He is their thirteenth.

TR Here is (the) thirteenthー

Notes: Basically saying the same thing in both languages, just worded sligthly differently to sound more natural in English.

Dark smoke wafts off of Terranort as he finally speaks, and it’s not with Terra’s voice:

JP おまえたちはここで敗北する

EN Today is the day you all lose.

TR Here you all (will) lose.

Notes: Terranort uses the derogatory second person plural pronoun omaetachi to refer to them here. He also uses a casual form of the verb suru, indicating familiarity or, in this case, contempt. The word for “lose,” haiboku, can also mean “be defeated.”

Aqua sounds downright angry here in the Japanese version as she responds, and Ven just looks sad. The camera angle is a little off-kilter here (note how Aqua and Ven seem the same height even though they are not, and the characters in the background form a diagonal line): to indicate how “off” this whole situation is (I think this would be an example of a Dutch angle, but in case it’s not, I’ll call this kind of angle a tilted angle throughout this analysis):

JP 何を！

EN What?!

TR What!

Notes: I noticed the dialogue uses a lot of exclamation marks throughout this scene, both in the English version and the Japanese version. Emotions are running high, and all those exclamation marks really serve to show that.

Here we get a shot of Ven’s feet and Aqua’s legs...

...which is reminiscent of images and posters of famous show-downs in movies, like this one for the 1952 Western High Noon:

We even see this same sort of shot earlier in this scene, this time with Sora’s legs and Xehanort as the approaching opponent:

Once again, the framing of the shots calls to mind Westerns.

Moving on to the dialogue:

JP １３の闇にたどりつくこともなく　この場で心は肉体を離れ我が身を散らす

EN Before you even face the thirteen, every last one of you will be torn heart from body.

TR Without even reaching the thirteen darknesses, at this place (your) hearts will be separated from (your) bodies (and) I (will) scatter them (literally the bodies).

Notes: Terranort uses a different pronoun than Terra does. He uses ware, which Xehanort sometimes uses (and also sounds kind of old-fashioned), instead of the masculine pronoun ore, which is Terra’s pronoun of choice.

In the Japanese version, two different words are used for “body” here as well, nikutai in the first instance and mi in the second instance, perhaps for poetic effect and/or to avoid redundancy.

Next, he summons his weapon, which is accompanied by more darkness, and delivers this line:

JP だが安心しろ

EN But fear not.

TR But be at peace.

Notes: “Fear not” sounds a little archaic in English, as in modern English we would say “don’t be scared” or “don’t be afraid.” Over time main verbs lost the ability to move in front of negatives in English, and we insert “do” instead, which attaches to “not” to form “don’t,” while leaving the main verb in its spot.  

Terranort’s use of an older construction in English like this is very effective at making him sound pompous. In modern English saying “fear not” brings up religious connotations, as a lot of well-known quotes from the Bible are based on older translations (hello, King James version) and thus older forms of the language. Terranort sounds like he’s playing at God, here, in other words. It also makes him sound older, which is fitting for an old man who stole the body of a young one.

In the Japanese version, he uses the command form of the verb suru, shiro, to command them to be at peace. This is a very direct way to command someone to do something, kind of coarse and not at all polite.

The camera cuts to this close up shot of his face:

JP χブレードはここで完成する

EN The χ-blade will still be forged.

TR The χ-blade will be completed here.

Notes: Basically saying the same thing in both languages. I like how the English version went with “forged,” though. Fitting for the whole “creating a weapon” thing.

We see, not Aqua and Ven’s reaction to Terranort’s proclamation, but everyone else’s, Sora’s in particular. He is centered in the frame here:

And then we get a closer shot of him to better showcase his reaction. His voice sounds lower here to indicate his determination:

JP おまえたちに負けることはない

EN We’re not gonna lose to you.

TR We’ll never lose to you.

Notes: Sora uses the derogatory second person plural pronoun here, omaetachi. He’s referring to their enemies as a whole as a whole, not just Terranort. Unfortunately this nuance is somewhat lost in English because we use “you” for both singular and plural second person, though regional varieties have popped up, such as y’all, you lot, you guys, youse guys, yinz, etc. to refer to plural “you.”

(For anyone wondering, yes, English did used to make this distinction in the past, much like many modern European languages still do. It was a sad day the English language lost its second person plural pronoun for various reasons that I won’t get into here, but those regional varieties I mentioned have popped up for a reason - it is really useful to be able to make that distinction between singular and plural!)

Sora uses the ~kotowanai construction here to indicate that they’ll never lose to Xehanort and his cronies. He’s absolutely sure of it. And the English version captures his casual style of speech with “gonna.”

The shot ends with him glaring at Terranort:

And the camera cuts to Terranort, making what I will call “the Xehanort look” from here on out:

We can see the Xehanort look exemplified by Xehanort himself here:

An eyebrow raised, head tilting forward, eyes looking up - a Kubrick stare to indicate he’s a little deranged.

An example of the Kubrick Stare for reference, from the film A Clockwork Orange. The Kubrick Stare was popularized by the director Stanley Kubrick for it showing up in a lot of his films:

That is a dramatic contrast from the types of faces Terra makes:

Using Xehanort’s expressions with Terra’s body makes it very clear Terra is not the one in control here, as to my knowledge Terra never makes the Xehanort look. It’s also very unsettling to see Terra acting like Xehanort. It just feels wrong, and that really comes through in how Terranort moves and reacts.

One moment, he’s there...

...and the next, he’s gone, indicated by a whooshing noise:

He can move lightning-fast, a fact the slow motion here in the next part obscures a little for dramatic effect. This has also lead to the impression that Aqua and Ven just stood there and did nothing. That’s not entirely true. It’s more like they didn’t have time to do much of anything.

Aqua does, in fact, react to his disappearance; you can hear her make a surprised noise here:

And then he suddenly reappears between her and Ven, indicated by another whooshing noise. Note Terranort’s posture, how he is bending his knee to gather as much momentum to hit Ven with as possible. The scene also goes into slow motion for dramatic effect:

And the camera cuts to him swinging his blade and speeds up a little:

Again, Aqua barely has time to register that Terranort has moved because he’s moving so quickly. Ven is in shock because he would never imagine Terra hurting him. They didn’t have much time to launch any sort of a defense, and while I think Aqua expected Terranort to attack her, perhaps, neither she nor Ven expected Terranort to attack Ven.

Because Ven is like their younger brother, or even their son. In the Japanese version of BBS he downright said he was supposed to bring his parents to Disney Town when he gave Terra and Aqua the passes, not just grownups like the English version went with. And while Aqua and Terranort have fought before, Terra has never laid a hand on Ven. Not as Terra, not as Terranort. Ven trusts him to keep him safe, to protect him. So for Terranort to attack him, well...

It’s kind of like watching a father attack his own son as his wife watches on in horror at what’s unfolding.

The scene goes back into slow-mo as Terranort’s Keyblade connects with Ven, and Ven is folded over from the impact, Terranort hit him so hard. He makes a choked sound of pain, too, like he’s had the wind knocked out of him and can hardly breathe. Note how Aqua isn’t looking in their direction yet because she hasn’t had time to look yet:

We cut to a closer shot of Ven that puts the focus on him as he reacts, and you can see the pain written all over his face:

The scene is still in slow motion as he hurtles backwards:

And then the camera cuts to Aqua to show her reaction. She slowly turns her head (still in slow-mo, remember?), and the look of shock and horror on her face is heartbreaking to see:

The camera speeds up to normal speeds as it shows Ven being flung backwards, as if this is from Terranort’s POV:

Note how Ven’s eyes are still open, he still seems to be conscious:

And then the camera cuts to a different perspective behind the characters, as if the camera is on the ground. Note how once again the ground is at an angle instead of forming a straight line in this shot to indicate how wrong this whole situation is. We can also see Ven landing on his back with his legs in the air...

...which provides enough momentum for him to tumble backwards:

His body settles on the ground in a cloud of dust, and he no longer seems to be conscious. Note his limp head:

My guess is that landing on his back like that/hitting his head is what made him lose consciousness, as he was conscious before when he was still in the air. Terranort wasn’t necessarily trying to kill him (though I’d argue hitting your head like that would probably be enough to kill you in real life if not in video games), he was just trying to incapacitate him so it would make it easier to take his heart out of his body later on.

Riku provides credence to this theory later on when he tells Sora that the hearts of their friends are still in their bodies. If Ven had died here, that probably wouldn’t be the case.

The camera cuts to Terranort, and he has a downright smug expression on his face over what he just did. The Xehanort look is back in full force:

And it makes for quite the contrast with Aqua’s look of shock and disbelief as she gasps:

We get a shot from her POV, showing Ven crumpled on the ground:

And then a close up shot of her reaction to what has happened to Ven that showcases her emotions, her feelings. This moment is framed in terms of her pain and loss and shock, showing that we as the audience are supposed to empathize with her:

We get a closer shot of Ven that fills the frame, and Ven isn’t conscious:

And Aqua has processed everything enough to finally be able to speak:

She calls Ven’s name in a downright panicked manner and leans forward as she does:

JP ヴェン！

EN Ven!

TR Ven!

To be continued...

[didsomeonesayventus]

okay long time spending in gestation but I imagine that someone out of the followers I have wants to know my onion on KH3 is 

Overall, good!

so consider wordbarf of very repeated and tired onions no one actually actively asked for below:

Alright so I’ve been trying to figure out how to make these words and what my opinions even are considering this game has been out for almost a year now (KH3 existing is wild imagine it turning a year old) so this will be. mostly bullet points + incoherent and unorganized rambling forgive me

BAD THINGS FIRST lets get the salt out of the way

Literally everything with Kairi was oof. I still feel her relationship with Lea is incredibly rushed given the last time they were interacting in canon he was literally kidnapping her but go off I guess nomura they’re brother/sister friendsy now at least the fandom can sell me on that better than you can. I seethe with rage recalling that they didn’t even try to hide that killing her off was a classic case of fridging (“You lack motivation” FUCK OFF) and I have been angry since the day I was spoiled by leak stuff accidentally. I wouldn’t have minded her getting her ass handed to her if they made it look like she tried and gave us some moments where she did defend herself and get some victories and not conveniently cut away from the actually badly needed training montage (surprise! this is why we have training montages!!!!) and I get she was instrumental in rescuing everyone and the fact she wasn’t THAT bad speaks for how much she improved but it still just. bites that she still feels more like a satellite love interest than ever. 

Kairi was bad enough to get her own thing but tbh everyone who isn’t Sora also.. really suffers. The writing is really Sora-centric here and that’s not inherently bad (see good list) but it leaves a lot to be desired, especially since they dog pile the extended cast moments in at the end. There was no big confusion at Ven and Roxas sharing a face, no talks between characters who would have interesting interactions given their histories and circumstances, no obvious sign of development from anyone except maybe sea salt family and Aqua. They’re here to be more one-note than usual and resolve their arcs. Ven in particular (I’m totally not biased clearly /sarcasm) I feel is a big example given he was kinda in a really rough mental state at the end of bbs?? and 3 is exceptionally vague on just how conscious ventus was during his nap so I can’t even answer if he was able to give himself therapy the past 12 years or whatever

Anti Aqua is a damn cool concept but ultimately kinda pointless and I think we could have received it better if it wasn’t spoiled in trailers and wholly out of left field. Plus Sora coming in after what was pretty clearly set up as a Riku moment- while it gave us the incredibly gay press triangle to Sora + use a big keyblade made from ur love moment -was uh! really cheap!!!! and ruined what was clearly set up for being Riku’s thing with an almost nonsensical SIKE ITS SORA (it’s saved from being wholly nonsensical by 0.2′s opening foreshadowing + it still kinda makes sense for sora to at least help but damn if the narrative wasn’t leading us towards a riku moment)

Also everyone was hit really hard with the nerf effect in-narrative so unless you’re the dream team you’re screwed I guess and that. doesn’t quite work since it makes everyone else look... not great. And I think this is kinda a miscommunication on part of Nomura and the fans (IM MAKING ASSUMPTIONS TAKE WITH SALT) in that we kept saying we wanted people “saved” but meant having their arcs resolved in a reasonable way that preserved their agency and power and relationships, but got interpreted literally as “alright Sora comes in and solves every problem, is tough on stains, and makes julienne fries”

And yet there’s also a lot of mean spirited “oh no sora’s dumb and helpless w/out a second braincell” which was kinda funny the first couple times and I failed to pick up on it first go I’ll admit, but honestly? Yeah. they pick on sora too much. Donald and Goofy are the most guilty, and everyone else by virtue of not seeing Sora that much actually in-narrative are off the hook from me because they probably didn’t know how much teasing he’d been getting from his pals, but it felt kinda like they didn’t know what to fall back on between the three besides “oh donald and goofy pick on sora” which is cute once or twice but the amount he gets and how it clearly leads to his breakdown at the end is uhHHHHhhhHH hm.

As always the pacing is pretty awful where the disney worlds are somewhat relevant at best and then the end is 0-1000 but that is a usual KH gripe so its pretty low on the bar

Attraction flow is cute and neat at first but it gets.. really wearing towards the end and in the serious fights at the Keyblade Graveyard BOY are they a mood breaker

the “repeat the plot” worlds- Tangled, Frozen, Pirates -REALLY stick out like a sore, ugly thumb compared to the worlds that went out and did their own creative thing, and Big Hero 6 was.. cute? but kinda maybe too much of a breather.

Frozen also get an extra award for “Audio mixer most in need of firing!” because who the hell allowed the do you want to build a snowman scene.

They did nothing with Scala and I want a refund on that aesthetic if they’re not gonna do anything besides a framing device with it

HEY WAIT THERE WAS GOOD THINGS TOO!

Good news point that may or may not come to pass: Re:Mind DLC might fix some of the above salt! We shall see and probably know by the time this post is a year old sfjhdsakjgh

SORA! Sora was actually a character again!!!! holy cow they pulled up from the utter nose dive that was DDD!! god i love this dork and it was really fantastic to see him back to normal.

The graphical upgrade lost a lot of the squish and stretch that the OG graphics had but you know what? pretty. tastey. good graphics and better at doing more subtle emotions and hey have i mentioned Pirate’s glow up? Pirate’s glow up. The details in Olympus to recreate the swirly aesthetic of the clouds and explosions and lava is a great touch.

Worlds as far as levels go?? really good! They feel legitimately like worlds and explorable and with their own flavors and I LOVE battle and field themes x2 its really great I’m down for less worlds if they keep the quality. Hell we have NPCs!! maybe even too many npcs.

Writing OVER ALL/ON AVERAGE I’d say has improved a lot! It’s still not a literary masterpiece or anything but I found the disney worlds really cute and easier to get invested in even if long term they were less relevant than I hoped they would be. In every world there was at least one scene I found myself actually invested in. Like there was something to the writing that was legitimately more endearing than usual on average, and toy box and monstropolis were strong contenders for really good overall imo

honestly there were moments that- as moments -were incredible. Wayfinder reunion scene will haunt me, and Sea salt’s was good too, final world and rescuing everyone was jaw dropping, getting the LoD Back was also good, Union X, Xigbar exiting left stage pursued by a bear, wayfinder trio making a grave for eraqus, all the gummi ship scenes had great chemistry, beach party ending, hanging out with rapunzel for the first half of Corona is adorable as hell, all the nods to scenes in the movies, the easter eggs, like the game is not consistently amazing but it is peppered with stuff that I feel in a bubble ignoring surrounding context just work really really well

Damn if the end boss rush wasn’t thrilling as hell and honestly??? really good. Hard to parse out first flush but I think this was a good decision and added a lot of blood roaring urgency and wild turns, and even if I want to overhaul a number of things about the endgame I think this can definitely stay

Kingstagram is a beautiful gift man

OST? A fucking banger all around and I love how they’ve made cutscene-specific tracks that play with the leitmotifs throughout KH’s illustrious musical history

Over all there’s some really glaring issues, but overall it’s KH really at its best. I’m not sure if it’s my favorite entry and I’m still really mixed + befuddled on just how exactly I feel and I think a lot of that is I had pretty high expectations and my own ideas of how it would play out since like. 2012. it’s really hard to detach from those feelings and ideas sometimes. But KH3 wasn’t bad! It could’ve really been worse, and the fact that it got out the door in the state that it was is a good deal

now here’s to the wait for Re:Mind and to see if it’s basically the content we’d get in Final Mix that could definitely bump up my opinion

[thevintageconnection]

My Favorite Vintage Music: Part I

All graphics created with Canva

Hey, guys! Before we get into some of my favorite vintage music, I want to introduce myself and this blog!

Welcome to The Vintage Connection! I’m Morgan, a college student studying Digital Media and Spanish, who loves vintage aesthetics and content. After helping my grandma at my hometown’s historical society since I was ten, as well as growing up influenced by my grandparents’ and parents’ tastes, I developed my own interests in old music, movies, fashion, and more. 

I am often known for recommending old artists like Fleetwood Mac and Sinatra over most current popular music and am ready to share some of my vintage favorites from the 1940s and on to a wider and younger audience via this blog, The Vintage Connection! The blog introduces audiences––anywhere from vintage novices to diehard vintage fans––to my favorites, and how to incorporate history and vintage aesthetics into the modern-day. 

As an advocate for equality and activism, I also analyze the relationships between my vintage favorites and similar things today. What does it teach us in the present day? How do we feel about it now? How can we access or incorporate this content into our lives today?

The Vintage Connection is all about the various ways that we are still connected to the past, and how we can ensure that connection remains strong.

If you’re a newbie to the vintage world, or you’re a huge fan, or you are older and actually lived through some of these times, welcome! There’s room for everyone here.

Alright, let’s get into some of my favorite music from each decade, beginning with the 1940s, and how these connect to today!

While I’m not well-versed in much music from the 1940s, I couldn’t leave out some of my favorite pieces of all time!

Billie Holiday - “I’ll Be Seeing You”

What an absolutely gorgeous song to begin the list. It makes me feel a certain nostalgia for a time and a love I’ve never experienced. The piano, the trumpets, her melancholy tone, and the crackle of the old recording all produce such a calming and languid sound that makes you melt into your seat.

Édith Piaf - “La Vie en Rose”

Even though I’ve never been to Paris, I have an enormous adoration for that city. It’s at the top of my travel bucket list. This song makes me feel as if I’m strolling down the cobblestone streets of Paris at night, cafés glowing around me, while the Eiffel Tower shimmers in the distance.

Frank Sinatra - “I Fall in Love Too Easily”

I have no clue how many times I’ve listened to this song. Whenever it pops up on my playlists, I’ll repeat it over and over and over again. Sometimes when I think of it, I’ll search on YouTube for the clip of him singing it in the movie Anchors Aweigh. I had to link it for you guys so you don’t live any longer without seeing this gorgeous scene. What a beautiful soul. I have a soft spot for young Sinatra, especially in this song.

Ugh. So many favorite songs and artists from this decade! 50s music is often so dreamy. 

(Be prepared to read “dreamy” a lot from now on in this post and on the rest of my blog and other social media. It’s one of my favorite words, and I love dreamy content!)

Billie Holiday - “Blue Moon”

Here Billie appears again with another song! I have a particular fondness for the moon, and this song also makes me feel like I’m daydreaming when I listen to it, so it will always be one of my favorites.

Ella Fitzgerald - “Dream a Little Dream of Me”, “I’ve Got a Crush on You”, and “These Foolish Things (Remind Me of You)”

I meant to choose just one to share, but I love Ella too much. Her music is always so dreamy and wistful. I can listen to it when I’m doing homework, just hanging out, or doing literally anything.

Paul Anka - “Put Your Head on My Shoulder”

THE EPITOME OF DREAMINESS. This song makes you reminisce of young love, even if you’ve never experienced it. My favorite version of this track is the 1959 version, which features a young Anka. He definitely maintained a beautiful voice in the years following, and still maintains it today, but there’s just something about the original version that is so endearing and calming. Just like with Sinatra, young Anka holds a special place in my heart.

The linked video above is a live performance from 1962, a few years later than the 1959 recording, but it perfectly captures just how people––not just women––were so enamored of him.

Elvis - “Love Me Tender”, “Are You Lonesome Tonight”, “Can’t Help Falling in Love”, and “Suspicious Minds”

Okay, here I ran into the same issue as I did with Ella Fitzgerald. I tried to not list too many tracks in one decade, especially several from each artist, but I couldn’t help myself with these. And of course, some of my favorites of Elvis’ are his sad songs. I have a weird obsession with sad songs, and even have a Spotify playlist full of sad music. My love for Elvis definitely comes from my dad, who loves him so much. Thanks, dad! ♥

What a beautiful time for music. I have waaaaay too many favorites from this decade, but I managed to narrow it down to a few!

The Beatles - “Here Comes the Sun”

Do I even have to explain why I love this one? This song always gives me that euphoric feeling of that first day in spring where it’s finally sunny again, you don’t need a winter coat, and the snow is mostly melted. 

The Drifters - “This Magic Moment”

As expected from the title, this track is pure magic. The swirling instrumental at the beginning before the vocals come in, and that repeats often during much of the number, reminds me of a Disney movie. This is one of those songs that I would love to twirl around to in a 1950s a-line dress until I fell over from getting too dizzy.

Frank Sinatra - “My Way”

Sinatra appears again, this time with one of his more well-known songs. If this music doesn’t make you want to get up and scream the words, I don’t know what to tell you. This track was an original power anthem.

Etta James - “At Last”

Ah, everyone’s favorite wedding song, even to this day. I love how timeless it is. Even if you’re single this song will make you feel like you’re in love. 

Ben E. King - “Stand By Me”

To end the first part of this list here is one of my absolute favorite songs of all time. I don’t know exactly what it is about this piece, but it is one of my favorites of all time. This is another one I can play on repeat nonstop for an hour. Hearing this song always puts a smile on my face, no matter how I’m feeling.

This is a section that I will feature on most, if not all, of my posts, that connects my vintage favorites to today!

I think when people look back on old songs, they tend to focus on the popular white artists of the time and forget about the minorities who often paved the way for various styles of music. I’m always looking for different music to listen to, especially by lesser-known artists and minorities, so if you have any suggestions––and not for just songs––send them my way!

When I listen to some of these songs, especially “This Magic Moment”, I always picture a 1960s dance floor filled with dancing couples. Images like these from movies and old photographs make people of younger generations wish dating, and sometimes life in general, was still like how it used to be back in the day. I do still sometimes yearn to be at a 1950s/60s dance, wearing a gorgeous a-line dress, but I try to not hop on the bandwagon of “I was born in the wrong generation”. I think most of this wish comes from the want to experience a time without modern technology, so I can kind of understand where people are coming from. I never sympathize too much, though, as society is still full of issues today, and I could do without the extra racism, sexism, homophobia, etc. of the past.

Thankfully, all of these classics are fairly easy to find online today: on YouTube, Spotify, iTunes, Apple Music, etc. 

For convenience, here’s a link to my Spotify playlist of these songs!

If you are looking for a more comprehensive list of vintage music from the 1940s to 1960s, check out this other playlist of mine, called “Darling”, that features almost 100 vintage tracks. I add to this playlist all the time!

I absolutely adore creating playlists for different moods and situations. Follow me on Spotify (it’s on my personal account for now) and check out any of my 50+ playlists!

Stay tuned for Part II of my favorite vintage music, which will continue from the 1970s to 1980s! I’ll update the Top Vintage Favs playlist when I post Part II!

Thanks for reading!

Until next time,

Morgan 💕

Social Media Links!

Twitter: @connect_vintage

Instagram: @connect_vintage

(Personal) Spotify: Morgan Krull