#i'll probably delete this but you know hi my anxiety that i have had all day just dropped a bit wow

[slautertm]

just found out im on the honor roll for my college. which i should not feel excited about but im sitting here like :')

[princessmaybank]

Good Girl

Pairings: Boyf!Rafe x Gf!Fem!Reader x JJ

Warnings: Cheating, nudes, spanking, degradation, spanking, 3some, p in v, oral (both), fingering, voyeurism, creampie, etc.

Summary: Reader accidentally sends a nude to the wrong guy.

Authors Note: This is my first time writing something like this! Please be kind! I hope you enjoy!

Moodboard

Fuck. Rafe had me so fucking horny all day. It's not even his fault..I have been thinking about him dicking me down since lunchtime. The ache between my legs was almost too much at this point. My core was begging to be touched, but unfortunately Rafe isn't home. He went on a business trip with Ward, leaving it to me to pleasure myself. He did tell me to message him any time I feel horny and he would try his best to help, so I might just have to do that.

I was home alone because my parents were making some deals over dinner with some new clients.

But before I do anything, I really want to take a shower, I feel disgusting after work every time. I work at a little restaurant called The Wreck with my friend Kie. She got me the job when I told her I didn't want to work for my parents, at least not yet. Since I started working with her, I've met her friends and they seem to like me, well for the most part. JJ is still warming up to me, and he hates Rafe for some reason. All of them do. I understand he can be an asshole sometimes, but I wouldn't go as far as to say I hate him.

After I took my shower I didn't bother putting clothes on. I wanted to send Rafe a little surprise while he was gone.

Y/N: I took this for you baby

Y/N: Photo

I quickly hit send because I was nervous about his reaction but deep down I know he'll love it. I heard a ding from my phone, letting me know I got a message.

???: All for me? Damn Y/L/N...maybe I was wrong about you

My eyes nearly popped out of my head as my heart was beating against my chest. Then I heard another ding come from my phone.

???: Photo

Only a second later and another message came through.

???: That one's all for you.

I sent my fucking nude pic to JJ?? And he sent me one back? How the hell did that happen??? I started freaking out, knowing that Rafe would fucking kill him..and me, but mainly him.

JJ: What made ya come to your senses?

I had no idea how to respond to him. This has never happened before. Maybe I should just be honest.

Y/N: oh hey..can you just delete that and pretend you never saw it...? that wasn't meant for you JJ...

JJ: if it was sent to me, I was meant to see it, the universe just works that way ;)

He saw that I opened the text and that I wasn't responding. Those three dots popped up as he was typing.

JJ: okay, hey I'm sorry. where u at rn? I'll come meet ya n we can talk bout this

My heart nearly bursts out of my chest when I read that message. I'm nervous and I don't know what to do. Fuck. I should clear the air with him.

Y/N: my house..

JJ: drop your pin

I hesitate before sending this man my address. This could go horribly wrong, and I don't have Rafe here to protect me. Whatever, I'm already in this deep and it's just JJ what's the worst he could do?

Y/N: 📍

JJ: omw

I stood from my bed and started looking for an outfit to wear. I don't know why I cared what I looked like for JJ..I shouldn't, but I did. I ended up choosing a little white skirt with a cute blue crop top to go with it.

It took maybe 10 minutes before I heard a knock at my door. I still wasn't entirely sure if I should answer it, knowing who was on the other side, and knowing what he just saw...

I decided that I should just open the door and hopefully he'll understand the mistake.

My heart started pounding again as my hand reached for the knob. Suddenly I was greeted by a familiar face...but it wasn't JJ...

"Rafe?? " I question sounding more shocked than happy. "What are you doing here?" My anxiety was through the roof at this point, knowing JJ is probably just around the corner. Rafe let himself into my house by grabbing my face and pulling me into a heated kiss. He used his foot to kick the door closed, then pinned me against the wall next to it.

"Wanted to surprise my princess. The job got done early. I landed 30 mins ago, rushed over to see you." He says all while rubbing me up and down. "Look at this fuckin outfit, almost like you knew I was coming over princess.." He reached hand up my skirt and soon realized I wasn't wearing any panties. "Naughty girl.." Rafe smirked before attacking my neck.

About a minute later there was a knock on the door. He waved it off and said to just ignore them and they'll go away. Another knock pounded from the other side of the door. "Y/N?? Are you home?" You recognized his voice. Rafe pulled away looking slightly confused before looking through the peephole.

"What the fuck is JJ doing here?" He said gritting his teeth. I toyed with my fingers and bit my lip not knowing how to tell him the truth. Next thing I know he swings the door open.

"Hey ba- Rafe?? ...Was this a fuckin set up?" JJ questioned. I shook my head no as both men stared at me.

JJ came inside and closed the door behind him before joining Rafe and I in the living room. I was told to sit on the couch so I obeyed. The guys stood in front of me towering over me with their arms crossed, trying not to kill me or each other.

"What is he doing here?!" They both asked angrily at the same time. "Can you two sit down before I continue?" I ask shyly. The guys responded with a harsh 'No' timed almost as perfectly as before.

"Okay so here's what happened..." I trail off and explained the entire situation before Rafe turns to face JJ, looking like he is about to murder him.

At some point Rafe lunged at JJ and I had to get in the middle. Rafe grabbed my shoulders trying to move me out of the way. JJ had his hands on my hips trying to keep me in between them. It felt like they were going to split me in half.

It took a while but I eventually got them to go talk it out in my room. I can't speak guy, so maybe they would have an easier time hearing it from each other.

After a while I didn't hear them talking anymore, which was concerning, Rafe may have actually killed JJ..

I went to my room and knocked before entering. I was greeted with a naked Rafe picking me up before laying me on my bed. He placed his lips on mine, giving me one of the most intense kisses I've ever had. "Rafe- whe-wheres J-" I tried to question. "Don't worry about it. He's fine. Enjoy this." He kissed down my jaw and to my sweet spot, sucking on it for as long as he could, in order to mark me.

Rafe doesn't usually give me hickies unless he is angry-fucking me. He must have sent JJ home after their talk so we could have this moment. At least he's not mad at me anymore.

"So you wore this slutty outfit for Maybank huh?" He asked and flipped me onto my stomach, hiking my skirt up above my ass. "And no fuckin panties. You really are a fuckin slut." Rafe huffed before giving me a hard slap across my ass, causing me to yelp as a tear prickled in my eye.

"I'm gonna make you choke on my fuckin cock.." He smirks before flipping me back over. He comes over and hovers my face, his knees on either side of my head. Rafe dipped his cock into my mouth slowly before full on fucking my mouth. "Mmm yeah, suck that fucking cock you whore!" He somewhat gently slaps my face, still pushing in and out of my throat.

As I was gagging on Rafe's dick I felt something down between my legs. A cold, wet, tongue met the heat between my legs and I couldn't see it. "Wait till you see her face Maybank, she makes a pretty face when you fuck her." Rafe announced which resulted in a hum from the mouth attached to my clit.

JJ was eating me out...while Rafe was fucking my face...

Fuck.

I moaned onto Rafe's dick as he continued to fuck my throat. In turn, my moans made Rafe moan. "How'd you say she liked it Rafe..." JJ questioned before shoving his cock inside of me. A loud moan escaped the best it could when he filled me up. "...by surprise, right?" He chuckled as Rafe nodded.

JJ's thrusts caused Rafe's thrusts to go faster and harder. But they both stopped suddenly. Pulling out of both of my holes and they stood next to the bed, hovering me. "What was that??" I questioned, now blushing from seeing JJ's dick for the first time.

Of course he noticed and had to be an ass. JJ smirked at me while stroking himself. "Don't pretend you didn't like it princess.." He slows his motions down before he eventually stops. "Not saying I didn't like it- just confused. You two were literally just about to kill each other, and now you're fucking me." I say confused.

"We came to a conclusion baby. You lead JJ on..and you cheated on me. But we are ready to forgive you, if you let us have some fun with you babydoll.." Rafe simply stated, making me feel like shit because that was not my intention. I tried to counter what he said, but he just shushed me.

"Whaddya say princess?" JJ asked with a smirk. "Yea I mean...it's the least I could do.." I smile sheepishly to them. Rafe stepped between my legs and gave me a long kiss. "I love you, but I want you to understand that this is a one time thing so JJ doesn't have to keep pining after you. So whatever you want from him, make sure you get it from him now, you're still mine." Rafe explained. I'm surprised he's acting this way. He never lets anyone touch his things, especially me.

"What's first?" I asked the guys. "Just let us make you feel good baby, you won't have to do any work, unless you wanna." JJ said settling on the bed next to me. "You said anything I want?" I looked up to Rafe with glossy eyes. He nods with his arms crossed.

"JJ can I suck your dick while Rafe fucks me?" I started to blush because never in a million years did I think this would be happening. "I'd love that princess." He smiled at me.

I got off the bed and got to my knees in front of JJ. My hands sat on his thighs as my mouth lowered onto his cock. "Hmmm fuck.." He moaned out, placing his hand on my head. I felt Rafe come over and line himself up with me. "I love this fuckin skirt baby.." He says before slipping into my wet pussy, which caused me to moan on JJ's dick, which caused JJ to let out a moan of his own.

The guys were trying to set a steady pace between the both of them. JJ was bobbing my head up and down in time with Rafe's thrusts, and boy did it feel, so fucking good.

At one point they made me feel so good and I let out a long moan.

"Good Girl "

I heard them both say at the same time. A string of moans were escaping us all as they continued. Rafe was pounding into me as fast as he could. JJ was now standing with a fistful of my hair, fucking my face. I popped my mouth off of JJ and replaced it with my hand. "If you two don't stop going full force- I'm gonna cum right now.." I whine out.

They both groaned as they pulled away. I got back on the bed and sat in between them, one hand each, shooting to their hair, and massaging. They both started feeling me up, placing kisses wherever they could reach. The moment was over as fast as it came. JJ sat with his back against my headboard and pulled me to sit between his legs.

Rafe crawled onto the bed after JJ put his legs between mine to keep them spread open. I couldn't close them even if I wanted to. Rafe laid between my legs and started lightly sprinkling kisses on my lower lips.

JJ attached his lips to my neck, giving me a hickey, opposite to the one Rafe had made earlier.

Rafe moved to my clit with his mouth and inserted a few fingers into my hole. I gasped and JJ put his hands under my shirt in response.

"Why ya still wearin' this baby? Shoulda been gone a long time ago.." He says before taking my crop top off. Leaving me in my bra and my skirt. He groped my tits as Rafe sucked and fingered me. I was a moaning mess. Everything felt too good. "Guys- l-like I said before..." I say but it's too late and I cum all over Rafe's fingers.

Rafe sat up before placing his fingers in his mouth, sucking off every little drop that was left of me. "Good girl.." He smirked at me. "But, you gotta cum for JJ too princess.." Rafe stated.

I was still coming down from my high. "Cum again..?" He only nodded before sitting in the chair in front of my vanity. He turned it so he could see us sitting on the bed.

"Go ahead Maybank..." He smirked. Just as he was given the green light, JJ flipped us over so he was hovering me. "Hey there princess..." He smirked before planting a kiss on my lips. This felt so wrong to do so I looked to Rafe for some guidance.

He just sat there slowly rubbing his dick, watching us. He nodded for me to continue.

Suddenly this felt so right. I was supposed to have fun with JJ, for Rafe. JJ leaned down to my ear to whisper. "You looked so fucking good in that picture you sent me." He started kissing my neck. "I know you sent it on purpose, don't worry I won't tell him." He whispered.

His hands lifted me off the bed to take my bra off. JJ threw the garment to the side, landing in front of Rafe. He kissed me so hungrily and so passionately it almost hurt. "Jayj..." I whimpered into the kiss. He started grinding his hips against me, his dick touching my clit every time. "I know princess.." He whispered. "C'mere, I wanna make you cum in doggy." He says then plants another kiss to my lips.

I got up on my hands and knees before JJ could move me. "Wrong way baby...I wanna see your face when he fucks you..." I heard Rafe say from the chair. I turned around just like he asked. JJ got behind me when I was settled. I heard a spitting sound and a second later I felt his hand lathering my hole. "Mmmm" I moaned while I grinded back onto his fingers.

"Patience baby.." JJ said before slapping my hole which resulted in me letting out another moan. He grabbed his cock and started teasing my slut with his tip. I moved to lay on my forearms with my ass in the air. My eyes wandered over to Rafe, he was still stroking himself slowly while watching us. His lips curled up into a smirk when he saw the face I made when JJ pushed his length into pussy.

I let out a loud moan and looked Rafe in the eyes as JJ slowly rocked his hips. As JJ quickened his pace, Rafe did too. Almost like he wasn't to cum with us, but didn't want...involved..?

The room was filled with the sounds of moans and skin slapping against each other as JJ fucked me senseless. Rafe had rolled his head back but his eyes stayed on us.

I felt JJ reach for my hair and pull it back, making me arch. The slightly new angle was enough to push me over the edge. "You're such a a good fucking girl for me..." JJ says as I moan out. "JJ harder.." I couldn't say anything else. It was odd moaning another mans name but they both loved it, which made me feel dirty.

JJ gladly fucked me harder. I was going between watching Rafe fuck his hand and watching JJ in the mirror. "Fuck you're so tight princess..." He dragged out. "I'm so close Jayj..." I announce with a whine. Rafe caught my attention with a low groan. I looked over and saw his cum shooting up onto his stomach.

He was still yanking himself, riding out his high, when he said "JJ I want you to cum in her fucking pussy". I couldn't help but moan, feeling JJ's thick cock in my pussy, watching Rafe cum, and him saying THAT.

JJ let go of my hair and held my hips, bringing them backwards to meet his. We were both a moaning mess and Rafe was just watching, sitting there in his mess. He looked afraid to blink, like he was going to miss something. I pushed back onto JJ's dick, wanting more, he was making me feel so good and I didn't want it to end.

"Fuck Jayj- i-im gon-gonnaaa cum" I squeal out. "Me too princess. Are you ready?" I nod after he asked. He counted us down before with both released together, screaming each other's names. I fucked myself with his dick, riding out my high.

"Good girl.." He said biting his lip, helping guide my ass. He slipped out when we were done and gave me a long sloppy kiss, trying to savor the moment, knowing it would never happen again.

Rafe walked away at some point to clean himself up, JJ and I just continued to make out to fill the silence and need. When Rafe returned we all sat on the bed talking about what just happened. "How did it feel?" Rafe asked me. "He's really good.." I say panting, getting butterflies from the recent memory. He smiled at me and JJ before speaking.

"Y/N, I loved the way your face looked when JJ was taking you from behind..." He said while rubbing my back. "I suggest we make this a regular thing." I nearly choked when I heard him say that.

Rafe Cameron...never...shares.

"I 1000% agree" JJ said almost too enthusiastically which made me giggle. "That was both the craziest and sexiest shit I've ever been a part of. Of course I'd love to." I say smiling.

He smiled and I could tell he had a mischievous thought. "Next time I wanna try something new." He smirked to me and JJ.

"I will do whatever you two want if it feels that good.." I blush, looking between both of them.

"Good girl " They are so creepy with that shit...but it's so sexyyyy.

[alicerosejensen]

I love your page so much omg. I‘m literally obsessed with your work😭🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻

Also I have this imagination in my mind going on about how Leon would try to help his girlfriend from recovering from her mental health issues since she’s always helping him. I was recently thinking about how he would react finding her not moving on the bathroom floor and trying to bring her back! I rewatched American horror stories and the scene with tate and violet in the first season episode 6 (ig?) is always in my head. I‘m still recovering from my past and my unhealthy habits and tbh recovery never felt better.

If this is too much for you or triggering please ignore this.🫶🏼❤️

I had a terrible period in my life when I was a few steps away from doing something like this in my life and unfortunately this shit often comes out. I'm not sure that such texts help me work through my psychological traumas, which were, in fact, inflicted on me and continue to be inflicted by close people who do not consider me a person, but at least such works help me to vent my pain, which I cannot permanently bury in myself.

I have been postponing this request for a long time because I was probably waiting for the right moment to write this text.

There are mentions of suicide, psychological trauma, severe self-doubt and anxiety, so if this is not acceptable to you, then please just block it.

Perhaps there is a similarity with my previous texts, but I am writing this with strong emotions now that I am trying to cope with it again.

the text is chaotic, I repeat, written while I was under the influence of strong heavy emotions. Maybe I'll delete it later, when my brain gets back to normal a little bit.

If a songbird doesn't sing well, they wring its neck.

Maybe it was the costs of Leon's profession and the result of his constant missions, after which something human is gradually dying in him despite the constant struggle to save everyone. Raccoon City was supposed to teach, if not to survive, then make him begin to understand that some are doomed to die.

Leon Kennedy was taught not to offend, but to protect the weak, especially weak women. But it is difficult to calm the flow of disordered thoughts and put aside the fear that has seized him in order to clamp bloody wrists and apply something to them to stop the blood. Leon knew many strong women: Ada was perhaps the first among them, he did not know either her past or her real name, only the present that pushed their foreheads against each other; Claire, a fighting friend of misfortune that he met in that ill-fated city; Ashley, who turned from a baby eagle into a proud eagle; Angela Miller and others…

Your strength dissolves in the water, coloring it scarlet while your heart stubbornly still beats, let the rhythm noticeably shorten.

In truth, over the past few months it became clear that this was the only way out. When even your loved ones considered you an expired product and did not hesitate to remember this and remind you every time. In the end, their words turned into an obsessive worm that settled in your head, slowly day after day, month after month, devouring you and the circumstances seemed to be not in your favor. Instead of support, you somehow faced reproach, as if the universe was screaming that you were an wrong person, nature's mistake who had no right to live.

Escape attempts were doomed to failure. At first you tried to suppress it in yourself, helping Leon, because, in your opinion, he was the only one who had the right to complain about life, although he did not do this in front of you, because everyone said that you had no problems: you have everything limbs, there are no fatal diseases, all loved ones are healthy and there is a roof over your head, as if this is enough to not fall for nonsense and not walk around forever with a sad face.

This was the last time you shared your experiences. You didn’t even bother telling Leon, but everything inside was torn from constant pain. The feeling was as if you were being beaten by two extremes that led you to the edge of an abyss where you ultimately voluntarily jumped.

no, you really loved him, it was just other people’s words and your own speculation that convinced you, despite your strong relationship with him, that Leon would find someone better, someone more confident in himself, someone who would not be you because you had already missed the chance for a good life because it moved too slowly. Ultimately, a couple of sips of alcohol with sleeping pills and a sharp blade in his hands simply promised to correct the mistake in the form of you with your own hands.

You didn't have the courage to do it any other way.

But you really didn’t think that if you could try to open up to your loved one, you would meet support and not condemnation. Perhaps in a mad world he would be the only one who would heal your wounds as you healed him in your time. Leon clenched his teeth, feeling tears flowing down cheeks, seeing these crimson stains, when he pulled your body out of the bath, holding you close to him, repeating “I’m holding you. It's allright"

He so carefully laid you on his lap, managing to pull out a first aid kit and then bandages to tightly, albeit carelessly, wrap them around your wrist in order to somehow stop the bleeding. At least you were still breathing, thereby giving him hope that everything could still be fixed. the darkness and emptiness came to life, calling in a whisper to dissolve into eternal silence where there is no pain or condemnation. Your body will be in a grave under a gray stone, while the remains of your soul will float like a small grain of sand in infinity.

For Leon, everything happens in a fog; he tried more than once to save people, but he had no right to lose in this battle, even if you yourself surrendered to death. Shaking his head, brushing away the tears, he wrapped your body in a large terry towel, kissed your temple and picked you up, trying to somehow warm you, pressing you closer to him. the ability to provide first aid in the field and pull suicides out of the other world is not the same thing. Leon would have thanked God if he had believed in him, convinced that blood loss was the least of the evils that you had caused yourself, until he saw the remains of some substance at the bottom of the glass that stood on the table along with an almost full bottle of alcohol.

You really didn't give him a chance.

The ambulance took several minutes, which seemed like an eternity. In fact, Leon wasn't sure if it was worth trying to make you vomit when you'd already lost so much blood that it was already seeping through the bandages. Surely you would need a transfusion and Leon is ready to give you all his blood if only you would wake up. Holding his breath, he carefully looked at your chest, watching whether you were breathing and fortunately, your heart was still beating, slowly, but it was still fighting for life.

He stroked you on the head, kissed you, promised that he would take you somewhere else, quiet, where no one would dare to offend you, even if it was your family. You could have just asked him for help, just cuddled up to him and he would have protected you from other people’s attacks, but you preferred to remain silent. Kennedy was tired of waiting for the medical staff to let him in, although relatives should be allowed to see the patient first, but the position of a government agent sometimes had its advantages, and they concerned not only the high salary. When he was let in to you, it seemed to him that you had become half your size while you were lying on the bed, curled up under the blanket. It didn’t work out to pull off a beautiful suicide, which meant that soon angry relatives would come here with new sweat of bile especially for you. They won’t care about your feelings, but Leon sat down next to you, trying not to intrude too much into the space in which you imprisoned yourself, as if this blanket cocoon could be a separate world where you could hide. He spoke to you carefully, hating himself for not being able to understand in time what was wrong with your behavior; perhaps if he had been more attentive to you, the incident could have been avoided. You would see a psychotherapist, take a course of medication, and your environment would definitely be taken care of.

You cry, not letting him come to you, hating how you weren't just left to die and how much you hate this world. Hysteria after hysteria, nervous breakdown after nervous breakdown, in the hospital you repeatedly tried to commit suicide, but the attentive staff managed to prevent this before you inflicted fatal injuries on yourself, and if after some time Leon still managed to carefully break through your armor, then your loved ones This did not concern relatives in principle. You only allowed one person to visit you while you were undergoing psychological treatment and you behaved calmer and calmer, listening to the velvety words that soon all this would be behind you.

“We’ll go home soon,” Leon smiled, gently holding your hand and kissing your forehead, just glad that you’re alive, that you’re breathing and that your psycho-emotional state is slowly but improving. “You know, I have a surprise for you, I think you’ll like it when we get home.”

Soon what happened will become another nightmare in his life, a blessing with a good ending, but for the sake of this happy ending, Kennedy is ready to descend into hell at least every day.

You nod at him and smile a little, fearing that the gift is some kind of party on the occasion of your discharge. In fact, the last thing you want is to see someone’s faces, especially those who diligently hammered into your head how insignificant you are. Why do you even hope that the doctor will postpone your discharge, but the plans for your further treatment were completely different.

On the other hand, after taking antidepressants and psychological help in a special medical institution, how many men are ready to stay with their girlfriends who have been there for several months? For Leon, it seems this was not a significant problem, or he simply carefully did not show it. However, there were no parties, no calls, you simply returned now to his home where there were new interior items. it became somehow more comfortable... but something else surprised you.

Puppy. A small puppy of a couple of months old ran towards you and Leon to meet both of them, but stopped and began sniffing your shoes, while something thawed in your heart.

“Animals seem to help us well, They feel when we feel bad, it seems to me a good idea to get us a little companion,” Leon said quietly, stroking your back while you were busy with the puppy, rejoicing at the little living soul who will love you with the same pure and devoted love.

Ultimately it should have a happy ending too. Leon is ready to go to great lengths so that his beloved songbird starts smiling and singing happy songs again, even if it is necessary to remove other birds from her family who sleep and see how to pluck all her wings again.

You and he also have a chance for a happy ending.

[whalyrae]

DANCE WITH ME - CHAPTER 5

“If you want to keep a secret, you must also hide it from yourself.”

Summary : All your life, you thought you were a beta, a simple and boring beta. Until everything change. But now that you've presented yourself as an omega, how will you manage to live and hide it from your six friends and best friend, all alphas and all in the same pack? (a/n : I'm a shit for summary I'm so sorry-)

Genre : soulmate au (of course I'm a bitch for this), omegaverse, bangtan alphas au!, omega reader, fluff, angst, eventual smut, polyamory relationships

Status : In process

Word Count : 3k

Warnings : the usual one I guess, like smut, angst, fluff (yeah its a warning for some people ) mention of depression, abusive parents (physically and morally), violence and blood, PTSD, scars, self harm,...

Tag list : @ghostlyworld @kawaiikpoplover268 @scuzmunkie @iamkookiesforyou @00ihatesnaku @stellauniverse @akemiixx01

A/N : AAAH FINALLY ! My exams are finally over... Well tbh I'm not really happy with this chapter but if I listen to my inner voice I'll just delete all my works and never writing again so... Hope you'll like it anyway ! Let me know your impressions here or in my inbox ! And again thank you so much for all thoses likes and shares !! ♥

Masterlist | ao3 | wattpad

Chapter 4 // Chapter 6

☾ ☾ ☾ ☾ ☾ ☾ ☾ ☾

Wooyoung and you were out of breath when you fell on the floor of the dance studio, lying next to him. You turned to each other with mutual grins.

“If we don't get the best grade with this,” you muttered after a few seconds. 

"You're taking the words out of my mouth!"

You laughed and straightened up to clap your hands. Wooyoung then turned around, his eyes shining. 

“Don't you agree with us Sannie? What did you think?”

It was with enthusiasm that Wooyoung just addressed his boyfriend and alpha, Choi San, student in the same school as both of you, but in second year. The omega thought of calling his boyfriend to have an external opinion on the choreography they had spent the week preparing. The choice of music helped a lot to make their imaginations work, the steps, and the combinations of these had naturally come to both of you.

The deadline was approaching and even if neither you nor he was stressed by the time, you still felt some form of anxiety over the level of performance and the quality of your choreography.

You were lucky (or unlucky, depending on the perspective) to get a preview of what Jimin, Jungkook, and Hoseok were up to, and you couldn't describe how you felt because these three idiots were the most talented and dammit attractive dancers you knew. 

You, too, turned to San, more nervous than your friend. It was the first time you met him in person. As you imagined, he was very impressive, very tall, and very charming. 

With his arms crossed against his chest, he nodded, a smile appearing on the corner of his lips. 

“Some of my graduating class and even senior year would be unable to do better! There is a very good chemistry between the two of you. You make a very good duo.”

You sighed with relief as Wooyoung jumped into his companion's arms. 

Yes, choosing Finesse by Bruno Mars and Cardi B had been a very good idea. 

“You know that in my eyes you will always be the best dancer in this school,” added San, hugging Wooyoung, “ah, no offense little y/n!”

“Don't worry,” you answered, laughing and waving your hand, “I'm far from being equal to anyone here in terms of talent,” you continued directly, seeing that your friend was going to intervene with your remark, but you didn’t let him the chance, “And by the way, I'm the same size as Wooyoung, I'm not small!”

You rolled your eyes at their laughs and grabbed your cell phone before lying on the floor again. You got a message from Jimin. He was in another room, busy rehearsing his solo choreography, and wanted to know when you'd be finished rehearsing to join you. Now that you think about it, it's probably been ages since you two spent time together like you used to when you were still in high school. 

“By the way Noona,” Wooyoung appeared above you, while you were answering your best friend's message, “have you made any progress on your choreography? Are you still sure of your choice?”

“Hm? I think you just want to know if I choose the music you suggested, am I right?” you asked, arching an eyebrow and chuckling when you saw his innocent expression, “yeah Wooyoung, I chose Sweet but Psycho, I even finished the choreography, I just need to rework it a little and adjust a few things!” 

“Really? I'll be curious to see it, can you show it to us?”

You turned to San, your cheeks flushed.

“Mingi is waiting for us Sannie! He is downstairs!” Wooyoung had just received a message, and was already grabbing his stuff, winking at you as you silently thanked him, “Next time!” He turned to you, “By the way Noona, we can give you a ride if you want!”

“Jimin is upstairs, we're planning to go home together, but thanks for offering!”

“Ah, Park Jimin, another talented monster,” San commented with a nod. 

You nodded with a groan and straightened up. You accepted the hand of the alpha, “Ah, thank you. It was a pleasure to meet you, San!”

“The pleasure is mutual little y/n,” he winked at you when he saw a pout appear on your face, “Wooyoung will give you my phone number, if you need anything don't hesitate.”

“I'll give it to you by text, be safe, Cardi B!”

You nodded, a little surprised, but smiled at Wooyoung's nickname as you watched them leave, hand in hand. You were happy to meet one of Wooyoung's partners finally. San was a very respectful and pleasant person. You quickly felt comfortable in his presence.

You heard voices outside the dance studio but didn't really pay attention to them, at this time of the day, most of the rooms were still occupied by students. What you didn't know though, was that those voices belonged to Jimin and Wooyoung, who had crossed paths. Jimin greeted the omega, not forgetting to introduce himself to his boyfriend. As usual, Jimin had worn a friendly smile, a cheerful and pleasant tone, as everyone knew him. 

However, when San and Wooyoung left him alone in the corridor, his smile disappeared, replaced by a neutral face. He walked into the dance hall, finding you with your back facing him. 

"Noona, it's me." 

You gasped as you heard the voice of your best friend, who just entered the room. You turned to him, your bag in hand, surprised he came so quickly. 

You frowned slightly. Jimin seemed... absent and frustrated. Had something gone wrong during his rehearsal?

“You’re okay?” you asked as you walked towards him, "Did something happen?”

“Ah! Hm... no, not at all! I just ran into Wooyoung and... Choi San? It just surprised me!”

He rubbed the back of his head, a tight smile on his face. You tilted your head to the side, confused by his reaction. 

“San is one of Wooyoung's alpha’s,” you explained as you turned on your heels to get your jacket, “I thought I told you he was in a pack with seven other people.”

Jimin nodded silently, which surprised you. Without a word, he walked over to you, and before you could open your mouth, you felt your friend's arms around your waist, clinging to you as he nuzzled his face into your neck. 

“J-Jimin you…”

You heard him mutter a few words that you didn't really understand. It felt like an eternity passed since your last embrace. It was true that you had been a little physically distant since you discovered you were an omega. You tried to avoid physical contact as subtly as possible, although you didn't always succeed. 

When you live with seven people with more than half of them have physical touch as a love language, it’s hard to always find a good excuse to avoid it. 

You suffered a lot because just like them, you had always liked these physical marks of affection they had towards you, and inversely, you liked to show them your affection towards them in this way. 

As always, your whole being was surrounded by that soft, protective warmth you only felt when they were the origin of it. This feeling was even more powerful when it came to Jimin, your best friend, the most important and precious person in your life.

You couldn't resist wrapping your arms around Jimin's chest, holding him close, and resting your head against his shoulder. 

You couldn't fight against it. This was where you felt the safest in the world. Were you felt at your place. In your best friend's arms. 

How you missed those moments. 

“Hey… Are you sure you're all right, Jimin?”

“You have his smell, I don't like it.”

You straightened your head slightly, surprised by these words. What was he talking about? 

“Who…”

“Choi San... I saw you when you took his hand to get up… and his wink…” he paused for a moment before sighing and looking into your eyes, “and… I noticed you were distant recently… you’ll not leaving us, aren’t you? You’ll not leave with them...?”

You had expected everything but this. Jimin always had a jealous and possessive side, he was the one who needed to give and receive affection the most. All this showed a great lack of self-confidence in the young man. 

When you were still at school, you heard that his parents had placed him, like you, in a public school reserved for alpha males. Unfortunately, he didn't fit the physical criteria for alphas his age. When most alpha teenagers were already tall and voice-muted, Jimin was short and puffy-faced. His voice hadn't really changed until he was seventeen. Of course, different as he was, although it was not his fault, he was bullied at school. 

Like you, dancing had been a refuge that had allowed him to keep his head above water. 

This episode of his life had left indelible marks on him. Especially since he had not really been able to benefit from psychological support from his family. His parents thought the harassment was nothing more than teenage squabbling.

They did not approve of his decision to join this dance school. Jimin had to be patient and persuasive to get their permission, against their will. They proclaimed that he would eventually realize that he had no future in this world and that he would come back to the right path or God knows what other nonsense they had come up with, he had stopped listening to them after a while anyway.

You knew the insecurities and lack of trust your best friend had in him. He always had this constant fear of losing and being abandoned by the people he loved. 

He and you were the same. You had similar schooling, your families came from the same rich environment, and had the same mentality. You had the same wounds, some of which were still open. 

So unsurprisingly, the second you heard his words, the surprise passed, and your gaze softened. You put your two hands on Jimin's cheeks and started caressing them. 

“Sorry,” he murmured with a sad pout, “I’m sorry I don't know why I…”

“Don't apologize,” you answered with a little smile, “it's all right…”

“No it’s not.., you don't understand,” he looked away, biting his lip nervously, “it's not all right at all… smelling his scent on you makes me... even though he's an alpha already bound,” he breathed deeply, as if he was trying to control himself, “it's like he's going to take you away from me.”

“Never.” You spoke softly as your thumb caresses his cheeks, “ Listen Jimin, nothing and no one can ever take me away from you,” you whispered, “and if... if his smell bothers you so much, replace it with your own.”

He looked up at you, his lips parted. You couldn’t resist looking down on them, biting yours nervously. Slowly, your eyes moved up to his eyes, your hands still on his soft cheeks. You were so close to him, you could feel his breath gently caressing your lips, making you shiver.

You felt him leaning closer to you, his chest now touching yours. Your lips were close, very close.

No… No, you couldn’t do that to him, nor to your friends, his partners. 

You stepped back slightly. You took a long breath and ran a hand through your hair. What were you doing? And what were those words you told him? 

It was that warmth again, that smell. Jimin's smell. There was this desire, this desire for him. You couldn’t control yourself. And it wasn't your hormones and your omega side this time, no. Maybe it was the distance you had put between you that amplified and rekindled the feelings you had once repressed when you were still a teenager. Your friendship has always been the most important, more than your feelings. 

What were you thinking? Jimin was just your friend, your best friend. And already bonded with other people. 

“Y/n you…” 

“Ah, excuse me, I’m just saying nonsense,” you lied and chuckled slightly, shaking your head, “this is ridiculous, isn't it? We'd better go, Jin and Hobi must be waiting for you!” 

“Don't say that,” he frowned, “this is not ridiculous, and… they're waiting for us. You and me.”

“Yeah, that's what I was saying, let's go!” 

°°°

A pout appeared on your face when you heard Wooyoung’s laugh through your phone. you could have sworn you heard another one. Probably Yeosang’s, Wooyoung omega’s partner. He quickly introduced him to you when you called him twenty minutes ago. 

After your… moment with Jimin, you both joined Hoseok and Jin who were waiting in their car to come home. You didn’t feel any weird mood between Jimin and you, for your greater relief. But you couldn’t forget what happened. 

“I don’t see what’s funny guys!” you told them in an annoyed tone, “What would have happened if I hadn’t stepped back?”

“A Kiss? A long and passionate kiss because you both want it since you know each other. A kiss turning into a hot make-out session and even maybe…” Wooyoung makes a pause, before whispering, “A torrid and desperate fuck. Oh, that made me think that I always wanted to do it in a risky place…”

You sighed loudly not listening to your friend anymore who was rambling. Even if the simple idea of you and Jimin doing any sexual things in a place like a dance studio, when you can get caught at any moment… 

You squeeze your thighs together and shook your head, your face was as red as a tomato.

“I… I can’t Woo’!” 

“And why? You like him, aren’t you? More than a friend I mean.”

You opened your mouth and then closed it. You passed your hand through your hair and stood up to sit on the ground, your back against your bed and your phone on your knees.

“First he’s my best friend.” You began, hearing both omegas sighing, but you ignored them. “Second, he’s taken. Taken with people who are very close friends… And third, I’m an omega and they don’t know anything about that, things could change between us and I don’t want it…”

“Okay…First, you didn’t answer directly to my question but… I think this is the best one I could have.” Wooyoung smirked. “Second, I don’t see where’s the problem. You also have a crush on them, aren’t you?” 

You frowned and stayed silent. You couldn’t deny that you liked every one of them. Really. They were all kind, and funny, you’ve never felt as safe as you do with them. And they were all hot as hell. 

“Listen, I wanted to tell you this sooner,” Wooyoung began with a serious and soft voice, “but all the symptoms you describe when you’re with them, it’s not only your omega’s genes.”

“Well, actually it is, a little,” Yeosang added, “but it only works if you are interested in the alphas. Only if you want them sentimentally, and, or physically, both works.”

“When you met San this afternoon, an alpha, when he took your hand, did you feel something?”

“You mean if I had this heat in my body? This feeling of safety, these butterflies in my stomach? If I wanted to kiss him and spend my life in his arms? Of course not! I only have this with… with Jimin and… and with them… Holy shit.”

You heard two laughs and grabbed a pillow to hide your face in. You let yourself fall to the floor with a loud and desperate whimper. 

Wooyoung didn’t tell you that he asked his boyfriend to come and see them during their dance practice for this specific purpose. He wanted to let you experience the difference between the feeling of being with someone you’re attracted to, and someone you’re not attracted to. Practice always was more effective than theory. 

“Listen, sweetie,” you heard the deep and soft voice of Yeosang after a few seconds, “Just trust your heart. We can’t know how hard it could be for you, that’s true. But if you really love them, if you don’t want to lose them, you need to be honest.”

“And if they don’t accept you as an omega, fuck them! You’ll come live with us! Yunho hyung will like you for sure!”

“I don’t think she needs to think about that, Love. Let’s stay positive, should we?” Yeosang sighs, making you chuckle. 

But Yeosang was right. And that’s why you felt so guilty. You knew you needed to be honest with the boys. Plus, with your avoidant behavior towards them, Jimin thought you planned to leave them, which was the last fucking thing you wanted. 

Well, for your feelings, everything was confusing until now… You began to understand, thanks to Wooyoung and Yeosang. But the omega part was… still so fucking complicated. Every time you thought about a way to tell, at least, just one of them, you saw your mother’s face again when she knew the truth. You could hear the disgust in her voice again. The fear of experiencing it again paralyzed you to do anything with them.

You heard your stomach growling and you sighed. A bowl of ramyeon first. Yeah, you needed to eat. 

°°°

And third, I’m an omega and they don’t know anything about that, things could change between us and I don’t want it.

Jungkook froze in front of your bedroom, his fist still on the door, ready to knock. He just wanted to show you something on his phone when he heard the end of your sentence.

He blinked quickly, and lean his head, confused.

“Noona… is an omega…?” 

“What… did you say, Jungkook?”

He gasped when he heard Yoongi’s voice behind him. Seeing the confused look on his younger’s face, Yoongi realized that he, too, had just learned this information. 

“Wait hyung, maybe I misunderstood…” Jungkook whispered, walking to him, “But I think I heard…”

“I think we need an emergency pack meeting, Bunny, and now.”

[not-eli]

"He can get hurt?"

This line caused such controversial opinions in this fandom, and I'm less to say disappointed with how most people just attack Blitzø for what he said.

Let's analize this better shall we?

It is no mistery that in Blitzø's hallucination, he sees Stolas sitting on a throne, looking all-mighty and handsome, tying him up to chains that represent the deal they set a long time ago. Blitzø of course felt conflicted, because while I think he DID like what they were doing, he also felt trapped and commanded by something bigger than him.

To who doesn't know, Imp's are like, the lowest class of hell. Even humans that got sent to hell come before them, so just imagine the difference between Stolas and Blitzø here.

Blitzø always saw Stolas as someone important, there's no doubt. Just because they sleep together now and then, it doesn't mean he sees him as an equal. Rich and powerful, Stolas MUST be able to protect himself, doesn't he?

At least that was what Blitzø thought. When he first got the call from Stolas, it was clear he did not take him seriously. He had already been his "bodyguard" for a while after all, and nothing serious happened. Why should he be too worried? Besides, he had to take care of Loona at the moment. Even when he leaves the job to M&M and enters the main hall, he's still rumbling between himself about how "he really had to get his feathered ass kidnapped NOW, I waited 5 years for this appointment damnit."

This could both mean that A) he's annoyed at Stolas in general or B) he kind of feels bad because a part of him did want to go and help him.

When he sees Stolas again, he almost doesn't want to believe it's him the one being brought to the hospital. You can understand that from how he looked at the feathers, with that "oh fuck I know these feathers" look, but still asked Millie wtf happened, not looking concerned for a brief second, just pissed. But when Millie confims that Stolas got hurt, Blitzø has a small denial phase where he stutters and continues to ask small, incredulous questions.

To quote, "Stolas got.. what? But- wha- who- how-? He can get hurt?"

You can see the pure schock and realisation on his face. The softness of his voice. I think that in that brief moment, he understood that no matter the social status and royalty, Stolas is deep inside just a demon, like him. He can get hurt, and maybe even die.

It's a nice little detail that most missed, that for the very first time Blitzø is the one to text first. In all their other convos, Stolas was the one to start it.

Being someone with a constant sense of anxiety as well, I sometimes find myself hesitant to text someone or even talk to them. I can imagine what Blitzø, who possibly thought that it was all his fault - it clearly was not, but he still probably felt guilty for not being there for Stolas -, could have thought at that moment and probably has re-written that message over and over before sending it.

A lot of people are also mad because Blitzø apparently left Stolas on read after that. But as we can see, he was typing before.

Again, think about the hesitation. We learn in after episodes how Blitzø struggles with self hatred and guilt due his past actions, events that happened just because of him and that he would do anything to delete, to go back in time and re do things correctly.

So at that moment, it must have been difficult to find something to say.

"I'm sorry"? "Are you feeling alright?"? "I should have been there"? "I'll see if I can come"?

Probably better to not say anything at all.

I was myself disappointed to learn that he did not visit Stolas at the hospital, not even once. But once again, I get that. Having to talk through text is already hard, imagine in person. In my opinion, he feared to face him directly and tried to do other things to distract himself from these complicated and twisted feelings he does not understand.

Even when he talks to Fizzaroli, he continues to exclude the SLIGHTEST possibility of Stolas having actual, pure feelings for him.

Blitzø suffers from such deep adbandonment issues and still has to deal with uncured trauma. I understand why he acts like he does, why he pushes people away. And I invite you all to do so too.

[claireofluxembourg]

I have a PhD on Aristo Friends from the University of Cambridge lmaooooo

Can you share some of that knowledge lol? Do you know what happened to them after they all stopped partying and left the spotlight to start families? They're all so quiet I only thought Guy Pelly probably had to sell his nightclubs to be suitable to be Louis' godfather

Well, they're all married now, boring people in their 40's lmaooo

Guy and Lizzy are mostly in the USA.

I used to follow Zoe Warren on insta (because sometimes I do yoga for my menstrual cramps and anxiety) but she deleted her account a million years ago, however she has another site, Peachy with Zoe, I think she and Jakie divide their time between London and Hampshire, where the family business is (Jakie is involved in races, much like his grandfather, dear old Porchie was. They were the Queen's race managers)

Skippy and Lara are in the USA. He works as CCO of Afiniti. Lara is a Software Manager but idk where she works.

My husband Hugh is a Duke and a Billionaire and he does what Billionaire Dukes do. Billions. Soon to be married and not to me, how dare he.

Lady Edwina (Hugh's sister) and her husband live in London. She works on prison reform.

The Van Cutsems are all over the place. Edward married Tamara Grosvenor, Hugh's other sister (lol) and they have 3 kids, he’s King Charles' godson. Hugh married an Astor and their daughter Grace is William's goddaughter and their son Charles was Charles' page of honour. Nicholas is Louis' godfather and his daughter Florence is Henry's goddaughter. And last but not least William is godfather of George.

Thomas van Straubenzee (or Van) is in my honest opinion William's best friend. He married Missy Percy in what we consider one of the tackiest aristo weddings ever (her tiara was crooked and it was... well, interesting) but they divorced not long after. He remarried to one of George and Charlotte's school teachers and he's the godfather of Charlotte. Charlie as you know is Archie's godfather and possibly the only friend that's still on speaking terms with Harry. Their brother Henry had a car accident and died and they hold a Christmas Carol concert in his honour every year.

If you have questions about a specific Aristo let me know and I'll tell you.

[behindthewanderlust]

Hello! You popped up on my feed and I see you don't seem to have any requests yet, so I decided to try and help fill the requests void a little bit! ♡

Could I get some headcanons for the band with an s/o who loves affection, but rarely initiates it because they don't wanna bother anyone so sometimes they just kinda sit somewhere quietly for a while until the band members figure out the deal is? Thanks in advance!

Thank you SO much for sending in my first request. I’m still learning how to write these four, so I apologize if it isn’t the best.

This came out later than I wanted. Tumblr deleted the post and I had to rewrite some things T-T

But it’s here! I apologize for the wait

Hope you enjoy!!

Possible trigger warning for mentions of anxiety

————————————————————————

Russel Hobbs

As much as he loves affection, Russ enjoys having his personal space

You knew this, and were afraid that your affection may be making him feel uncomfortable or annoyed

You started to withdraw from Russ in an attempt to make him more comfortable in your relationship. You initiating kisses, hugs, cuddle sessions, etc., was far and few in between

He's not the most clingy guy so he wouldn't notice your behavior at first.

He just assumed that you were just like him!

As time went on, though, he began to pick up on something that was going on

Always a firm believer in communication, Russ would sit you down and ask you why you've been initiating less and less, if he's done anything to make you uncomfortable, and all that jazz.

Once he found out your reasoning, he hugged you tight

He told you that his misses your affection

And that just because he isn't one who wants to be touched 24/7, it doesn't mean he doesn't want your affection at all

Reassures you that although he does enjoy time to himself, it doesn't mean you're annoying or bugging him in anyway!

The two of you came up with a plan to communicate better so a situation like this wouldn't pop up again

He'd make sure to tell you if he wasn't up for contact so you'd be less worried about bothering him

You also promised to come to him if you felt this way, instead of withdrawing

When you two finished talking, he invited you to grab a bite to eat :)

2D

Probably the most clingy and affectionate out of all members

Bc of this, he'd pick up on what was going on quickly

May not know the exact reason for your withdrawal, but immediately notices you doing it

Confusion pops up first, followed by anxiety

He thought your relationship was going pretty well..?

He began to wonder if you weren't feeling well

Or if you weren't in the mood for physical touch

Or if you had been tired recently

Or if he did something to make you upset

Or if you didn't like holding him anymore

Or if you fell out of love with him

Or if-

Okay okay I'll stop but the point is, 2D does nothing but overthink the situation

He'd probably (unknowingly) start to initiate less and less himself!

Which would probably leave you confused

Now you're both confused and overthinking messes

You'd probably be the one who starts the conversation

Asking him why he's been looking so anxious and deep in thought recently

And then he just spills

Asking if he did something to make you upset

Why you've withdrawn from him

If you still even love him

And you immediately feel bad because you withdrew initiation because you didn't want to be a bother

And now he's upset!

It felt like a complete and total backfire on your end

You explained to him that you didn't want to bother him, so you started to initiate contact less

And he just looks at you like "WHAT???"

You already know how affectionate 2D is, so he's quick to knock those thoughts out your head

He just latches onto you and doesn't want to let go

He loves holding you

He loves when you hold him

He makes sure to repeat this over and over to you

He doesn't want you feeling like you're a bother

He needs you and your affection

Noodle

I hc her to be extremely observant

I feel like you have to be if you grew up the way she did

So l'd imagine she'd be the quickest out of all the members to catch on to what you were doing

And why you were doing it

She just didn't know how to bring it up without sounding confrontational

It was a conversation topic she did have to sit on for a few days

She did feel more and more lonely each day she didn't talk to you about what was going on

Noodle missed the hugs and cuddles :(

Don't get me wrong, she still gave you her love and affection, it just didn't feel right without you doing the same

She decided to talk to you during one of your movie nights

You had sat on the opposite side of the couch instead of sitting next to her like you usually do

So Noodle walked over to sit next to you

She told you she's noticed you initiating less contact

And that she assumes why you're doing it

And you confirm her assumptions - you don't want to be bother

Her face softened when she found out she was right

She felt awful knowing you were afraid of bothering her

The whole conversation was basically Noodle asking you questions

How long have you felt this way?

Was there anything I did or said to make you feel like you were a bother?

Why didn't you come to me about this earlier?

Bare with her, she hates seeing you feel this way

You answered all her questions thoroughly, apologizing for withdrawing

She asked for you to communicate with her more and come to her when you feel like this, which you agreed to

You asked her for some cuddles while you watched your movie and Noodle agreed, suddenly remembering that it was your movie night Imao

Murdoc Niccals

Murdoc isn’t the most affectionate guy

It just something he wasn’t used to

So you’re the one who initiated most of sfw contact

You learned that he didn’t like being affectionate in front of the band

So contact was mostly kept in his room or in the Winnebago

He found out he liked cuddling. He liked when you played with his hair

But he wouldn’t initiate it, that was on you

He would sometimes drop hints that he wanted to be hugged and you would pick up on it

He was finally comfortable enough to hold your hand

And he’d sometimes ask you to sit next to him while he played his bass

Since you mostly initiated, Murdoc noticed when you started to withdraw from him

Cue the internal panic

He hasn’t had many good things in life

Your relationship is probably his first serious one

And he’s afraid of fucking it all up

Not one to beat around the bush, he’s quick to confront you

He asks you not to leave him

And you’re like, “what makes you think I’m leaving??”

You’re told that you’ve been withdrawing a lot, so he assumed you were done with him

You tell Murdoc that you aren’t leaving, you just initiated less because you didn’t want to bother him

He has this “ohhhh” moment or realization

He appreciates you not wanting to make him uncomfortable

But he still misses you

He told you that he’s fine with being touched

And that he wouldn’t mind you doing it again

In fact, he wishes things would go back the they way they were

You picked up on the fact he was trying to say he missed your affection without directly saying it

You apologized for withdrawing and he accepted it, you only had good intentions

He told you that he’d try to be more affectionate

And you said you’d do the same

It did take some time for things to go back to the way they used to be though

You still had the lingering feeling that you were bothering him, despite knowing that wasn’t the case

And it took him some time to be more affectionate but he did put the work in

The two of you appreciated the effort the other was putting in

The day he asked you to cuddle with him is what made all the work worth it

It was like you both reached a new step in your relationship

It definitely took some time, but you both got there with enough determination <3

————————————————————————

That’s it for my first request! I hope it was good! Writing this was definitely a challenge, but it was a welcome one <3

Again, thanks for sending the request in!

[capitalisticveins]

Tumblr might have deleted my ask because it was too wordy. It is too long...my apologies, but I'm only trying to understand your POV genuinely so I'll retype. I do not mean any hostility (tho I know impact is more important than intent).

Alexis is a character that had a friends-with-benefits relationship with Sam. He ended it because she wanted more (within his right). In the midst of a fatal crash, Alexis turned him against his consent while he said 'no.' She never apologized. This is all we have without headcanons (avoiding the 'she was in a panic' or 'she did it to hurt him' headcanons on both sides). We have no backstory on her. People try to fill in this behavior with headcanons.

Cutie is a character that was in a romantic relationship with Geordi. He ended it because Cutie spent their years-long relationship canonically ignoring and going against Geordi's consent (or pressuring him). An act so egregious that Cutie's job did not use what they consistently do to a defenseless and unempowered Geordi on powerful, convicted murderer Quinn to find a victim. Cutie would apologize, but according to Geordi would still continue to ignore his consent (including proceeding to violate him in bed minutes after a tear-filled plea for them to stop). Ignoring the headcanons of social anxiety or having an abusive childhood or them having autism (because those are only headcanons), all we have is that they come from an empowered family (that's all we know). People try to fill in this behavior with headcanons.

You get upset with people liking one consent-ignoring character (that did so once (still horrible) horrifically 13 years ago and avoided the person since; valid! I don't like that), but say you don't trust people that don't like the other consent-ignoring character that spent over two years before and during their entire relationship violating their partner as well. I don't get that. Is Cutie excused because they are a self-insert? Would one line alluding to a hard childhood be enough for you to think Alexis has depth and background for her actions? Is one video of therapy is enough to think Cutie is deserving of Geordi again after that? Would one video of Alexis in therapy do the same?

Here’s the thing

I’m so damn sure

That on this blog with over 1,000 posts

Not once

Have I ever

Said that Cutie’s actions are excused

I may come off as rude here, and I apologize in advance. I just came back from a day long trip and my legs hurt and I already answered this but Tumblr ate my post before I could finish but whatever

Cutie is VERY obviously in the wrong in their situation. What they did is inexcusable and it’s incredibly evident. What my POINT is is that they have an explanation. NO this doesn’t excuse what they did, and NO, it never will, but at the very least we have a reason, which adds to depth and character

Alexis does not have this

ALEXIS, from the very moment her name was muttered, has been portrayed as an antagonist. She’s a villain in both Imperium and Prime Universe, and has never been put in a positive light, even by Erik himself.

She has no reason given for what she did, and has no character other than being villainous for the sake of being villainous.

The single reason we’re given why Alexis doesn’t try to interact with Sam is because she CAN’T invoke him

I don’t like Cutie because they’re shitty and toxic and needs help, I like Cutie because they’re INTERESTING. They’re not like almost every other listener on the channel who’s damn near perfect and never has an issue with their relationships. They have a sense of individuality, they’re different and after losing Bright Eyes and Fred, they’re probably the only troubled listener we have left.

Alexis can literally die and we’d still have other antagonists. She’s not interesting. Her Imperium counterpart is slightly more interesting than her, and that’s only because she ACTUALLY shows up.

[isaksbestpillow]

Hi, thank you so much for subbing the special clip of Ossan Love Returns. You're the best. I saw an update of your subs being taken down, and is so unfortunate. Are there alternate ways you have made to still sub and share them?

Hi! I decided to delete all my Kinou nani tabeta uploads after my movie subs were flagged, so they're gone for now. It was actually something I had been considering for a while because the subs have caused me a fair deal of anxiety over the years. They've been stolen and reuploaded so many times that I feel like I've lost control over them. I originally subbed that show because I wanted to share it with my tumblr friends and it has served that purpose I think, but I still have the subs on my computer so nothing has been deleted for good. Maybe I'll reupload them again one day, I don't know. I've also deleted my subs for His and Kyuuso wa chiizu no yume wo miru because I got worried of getting more movies flagged so they're gone too, though my Kyuuso subs are probably still floating around on kissasian etc.

I'm subbing Ossan's Love Returns now, but this time I'm posting in a way that allows me to delete links from the post at any time, hence the read more links. It's also a lot less stressful for me since the show is on Gagaoolala and Viki (?) so there's less of a risk of anyone stealing my slow subs. I'm trying to upload once per week so I'd be one episode behind the official schedule, but lately my endo has been flaring up again so I might not be able to keep up with my pace.

[dre6ming]

Living for the hope of it all

“I stayed there” series ~ part VIII

𓆩Masterlist𓆪

𓆩part VII𓆪

𓆩Part IX 𓆪

To be added to the tag list click here

Pairing: Austin Butler x fem reader

Warnings: smut 18+ <minors dni>, oral ( f receiving), fingering, cursing, strong language, body insecurities, alcohol, anxiety, angst, fluff…. Hope I got it all

Plot: how can you handle the paparazzi when you are just a regular girl? How can you let Austin fully in, when you think you aren’t worthy of him?

Word count: ~6500

Disclaimer: the article at the beginning is made up by me and I don’t believe any of what I said it there, but you get it, fiction . Also this is not proof read so please ignore any mistakes, I’m too tired to check for them now.

Is he still playing Elvis?

"The ‘Elvis’ actor , Austin Butler, is quick to jump from one girl to the next, similar to the king of rock and roll, the 30 year old actor seems to go through lovers so fast that the lines between each relationship blend.

Just the other day, Butler, was photographed in L.A. sharing steamy kisses with a mysterious girl. The two of them had a brief make out session in the stars car and then drove away together. These pictures come out at a time when the actor is still believed to be in a relationship with 20 years old, model Kaia Gerber.

Could Austin have gone too far in his role as Elvis? As we know Presley was a womanizer back in the day and was accused of many infidelities.

No official response has yet to come from Austin or Kaia and the mystery girl remains unidentified, but with how crazy the fans are over the whole ordeal we are sure that won't stay like this for long"

I feel the phone slipping from my hand, but the intercom in the airport announcing the flights, wakes me up and I clench my fingers around the device. This can't me real, but it sure as fuck is. Pictures of me and Austin kissing in his car, right before we drove out. My face is pretty much covered by my hair and Austin's hands, but as the article said, fans usually figure these things out, quite fast. My heart feels like it weights about 300 pounds in my chest. If my mom sees this, I'm done for. If they find out who I am, I'll have this all over me, paparazzi, crazy fans upset I took their chance. My whole career could be ruined. And what if the article speaks the truth, what if he lied? About him and Kaia? Oh god I'm so stupid. Fuck me!

I want to smash the phone on the pavement, jump on it and light it on fire. This article just destroyed everything and it reminded me I'm not enough. If I were a celebrity like him, this would've been water under the bridge, but I'm a commoner, I'm a nobody. I have to keep calm for today, this is Emma's and Betty's day, I have to be ok for them. I can fall apart after they leave for their trip to Bahli, tomorrow. I close the article and wonder if he's seen. Probably not yet, since it's 6am and he's probably sleeping.

Putting my phone on 'do not disturb' I put it at the bottom of my bag and scan the airport for Emma's black hair. Sure enough she's found me before I did her. Walking towards me with a huge smile, I try to fake my bast one for her, ignoring the sting in my eyes. "Emma, it's so good to see you!" I say hugging her tight. "I missed you to flower" as we pull apart and help her with the bags, I laugh at the nickname she gave me years ago. "So when is it going to happen, I can't wait" she squeals, clapping her hands. I stop in my tracks, face shocked. "What- what do you mean?" I ask.

Emma giggles shaking her head. "Come on, flower, you know Betty, she can't keep a secret if her life depended on it. She texted me a picture of the ring a moth ago, she thinks she grabbed my phone and deleted it before I saw, but the message popped up on my computer as well." Letting out a shaky laugh, putting a hand over my heart, I keep on walking towards the car. "I should have known" we laugh as we load her bags in my car. "Yeah, she tried really hard, so don't tell her I know" Emma begs, buckling herself in the passenger seat. "I won't" and as realization hits me, I look at her smiling. "Does this mean, you'll say yes?" Tears of joy gather in my eyes as she nods her head, whipping away some tears as well. We hug tightly and cry together. At some point I don't know it I'm crying happy tears for them or bitter tears for me, but when we bring ourselves back together, I feel so much lighter.

Turning on the car and backing out of the parking lot, I turn the radio on. "So we kinda have to stay away from Betty and the apartment for the whole day" my fingers drum against the steering wheel with the beat of the music. "And our first thing in the list is breakfast." Emma giggles in her seat. "Can I pick where we eat?" She asks and I nod approvingly. "Anywhere that has mimosas, I was told to bring you in slightly buzzed." Throwing her head back laughing, she puts the directions in my gps.

The place she chose is sweet and small, it has those L.A. vibes of nature, fairytale cafe. We order and enjoy a good breakfast, over some juicy gossip about some of her colleagues as well as some of mine. She tells me about the job at the D.A.'s office, Emma is excited to finally score a secure job since finishing law school over a year ago. I tell her about my new cat and she begs me to take her over to the apartment real quick so she can meet the fur ball. I of course decline and tell her she and Betty will have the place all to themselves tonight and she can enjoy meeting Boots later.

After breakfast we drive to the mall, she insists on buying new outfits for the both of us. "We need to look fabulous in my engagement photos, no way are we going to wear something old." Her wish is my command today, so I bite my tongue accepting my fate. If you know Emma, you know, fashion is her favorite thing in the world, so it takes us no less then 4 hours to find something to wear. A blush pink short dress for me, with a decent amount of cleavage showing, but still modest and a champagne gold sequence strappy dress for her. Both are beautiful and suit us perfectly, they are elegant, yet not to over the top, but still not sure if they worth 4 hours of dressing and undressing.

For lunch we decide to eat at the mall and share a pizza. "So what about you, do you have a thing?" Emma asks and I lift a single brow at her. "I don't" as soon as the words leave my mouth, they stab me in the gut. Just a few hours ago me and Austin advanced to the status of boyfriend and girlfriend, but now that I wonder if I'm just a side kick, a curiosity, I can't think of us like that. "Why does it sound like there's more to that?" I try to hide my discomfort with a giggle, drinking some water. "Because you're a lawyer and you are used to reading into everything?" I try to reason with her, but I know she said that, because I'm an open book when it comes to feelings. "Plus today is about you!" I say hoping that she would drop it. Closing her eyes and putting her arms up in defense she gives up on the topic.

We decide best way to kill some more hours is to just go and watch a movie. I have to clench my fists and bite back my fight as she suggests that we go watch Elvis, since the movie is still in cinema and she hasn't seen it. Emma doesn't know about Austin, I mean she knows about Austin my ex, that broke my heart, but she doesn't know it's the same Austin, that's stareing me down form the Elvis movie poster. He's barely recognizable, jet black hair and sideburns, chin up, looking confidently at the camera. Sometimes I really wish that I could hate him, Ive tried but that's just something I couldn't do, my heart knows what the truth is.

Shaking my head I look away from the poster as Emma comes up with the tickets in hand, giggling like a little kid. "Ok child, let's go, I'll buy you a lollipop" I say patting her back. After the lollipop is bought, we walk inside the cinema and take our spots. Anxiety I bubbling in the pit of my stomach, as the intro starts, knowing I'll be watching two and a half hours of Austin dressed as Elvis.

When the movie ends I find myself once again crying, because I know that the Austin who made this masterpiece is not the fit for me, he needs more, he always needed more. It hurts that I let him back in my life, it hurts that I wanted him back and I can't have him. I try to collect myself and walk out of the cinema, listening to Emma babbling about the movie and how much she loved it. I'm walking and I'm talking, but it feels like I'm not there. I've only felt like this once in my life, after...well by now we all know, after what.

Me and Emma quickly change outfits in the mall's bathroom and she does a little makeup number on both of us. She takes a couple of mirror selfies and we are on our way. The drive to the dinner where the engagement will take place, is filled with laughter and singing. When we get there we are both in hysterics, laughing so hard you can probably hear us for miles away. "Come on lets turn you into a mrs" I say and grab Emma by the hand, walking her in.

After a beautiful speech and some more crying, everyone is enjoying some champagne, before the cake. Betty approaches me, her smile is huge and contagious. "So I don't want to rain on your parade, but as I was getting the apartment ready for my night with Emma, thanks by the way for letting us use it." I wave her off. "Just wash the sheets after" she laughs blushing, getting a bit lost in thought, probably about their unholy activities that are to come. "Sure, sure, but as I was saying, I was busy getting the apartment ready, when a certain blonde dude knocked on the door. He looked like he had been crying and to be honest I think he was still in his pajamas. Anyway he asked for you, said you aren't answering any of his texts or calls." My hand start to sweat and I have to grab the champagne glass a little harder for it not to slip out of my grasp. "Ok, and what did you say?" I ask clearing my throat, hoping to rid of the lump there, but it doesn't work. "I told him, you were out busy the whole day. He then asked when he could come back to talk to you and I said you're spending the night over at your parents. He didn't say anything more and than left thanking me." I nod, brushing some hair behind my ear. "Ok" Betty looks concerned at me. "What happened? I was asleep last night when you came back, but you seemed happy this morning." I shake my head, tonight , is her night, not mine, we can drop me for now. She gets that without having me say it and drops the subject for now.

Hugging her and Emma I say my congratulations and walk out to my car. I'm tired as it is and I have a two hour drive ahead of me, from the dinner to my parents house. I try not to think about anything else other than driving safe. When I get home, using my spare key I get in. All the lights are out, which means that my parents are sleeping, so as quietly as I can, I make my way to my bedroom. Taking a quick shower kinda helps me, but still there's a undeniable ache in me. Coming back to my room dressed in a towel I open the balcony door to let some fresh air in and then quickly changing into my pajamas.

Slipping into bed and turning off the bedside lamp, I try to sleep, but I can't. As preoccupied as I am with my own thoughts, the sound of footsteps outside my window, makes the hairs stand up on my arms. Leaving o the ground floor it's easy to climb in and out of my bedroom, over the balcony. Grabbing whatever I find on my nightstand to use as a weapon, I make my way out in the balcony. I almost let out a scream, before the figure climbing the balcony, lunched forward and covers my mouth with their hand. I try to hit the person with what I took from my nightstand, but they are faster and catch my arm, before I can even touch them. A chuckle escapes the person and I recognize it immediately, but my body is still on alert mode. "Oh fuck, no, (y/n), it's me, it's Austin, don't cry! I'm sorry."

Slowly the hand holding my arm, from hitting him, comes down to my waist and the hand covering my mouth, cups my cheek. I let out a shaky breath and try to relax a bit in his arms. "Shh, all this time and you still haven't gotten any better at self defense, baby!" He chuckles and I look at my hand to see that I'm holding a hairbrush, not a very effective weapon. I get out of his arms, suddenly annoyed at his presence. Walking back in my room I sit on the bed and put the hairbrush down. "Can we talk?" He asks whispering. "You need to go, if my mom-"

"No, we need to talk, you've been dodging my calls and text, I know you must of read that piece of shit" he says brushing his hands through his hair. "Was it?" I ask and he looks confused. "Was it what?" Austin asks, I like that he's keeping the distance between us, it's easier to think if I don't have his arms around me. "A piece of shit? Because I don't know-"

"Know what?" He interrupts me, his voice raising a bit. "Keep your voice down!" I scold him. "I can't have that Austin, I'm a regular person, I will work a regular job, where I'll have to help people. I can't have paparazzi chasing me and fans trying to tag me down." I say and I can see that every word hurts him, but I don't know if it's because he knows I'm right or because he disagrees. "I know, I should've been more careful, I'm sorry." He tries to come closer but I don't let him, putting a hand up to stop him. He falls to his knees a few steps in front of me. "It's not your fault, I'm just not what you need. Maybe you can fix this, you know, call the model back, try and make it work with her, she'd be-" he grabs my small hands in his, clutching them to his chest, blue eyes pleading with me in the dark. "No, don't, please, she's not you. I beg you (y/n), don't do this to me, not over a gossip page headline." I close my eyes. I can't look at him like this, it hurts too much.

"You were right to break up with me, I would've only hold you back-" my voice breaks as a sob makes it's way through my mouth. "Not true, if you were there, I wouldn't have spend the past 7 months since I've been done with the movie, in therapy, constantly trying to reach back to who I was. When I'm with you I'm the best version of myself." I try to take my hands out of his, but he's so much stronger and he pulls me off the bed onto his lap. Wiggling around to get away from him, I give up when his strength overwhelms me. "Austin I can't love you again, I'm afraid I'm not enough!" I say trying to keep quiet. My mom walking in on this is the last thing I need right now. "You are so much more than enough, it's my fault for not making it clear enough, but I don't want a girl who knows how to deal with the media, I want my girl, my girl who always makes me laugh. My girl who always teaches me new things. My girl who can't cook to save her life, but is the biggest culinary critic I've ever met. My girl who can talk you into loving the same things as her, because she has such a way of making everything sound 10 times better than it is. My girl who can recite the whole Taylor Swift discography in one breath. My girl who's touch I crave all the time, who's lips taste like oranges and who's hair smells like propolis and burnt pear. All I've ever wanted is my girl and that girl is you!"

I look into his eyes, his face is tilted up and tears are slowly rolling down each side. My mouth opens and closes, I can't speak, I think I've lost that ability. No one's ever spoken like that about my. I bring my head down and kiss his tears away, taking care of each cheek, making sure they're equally loved. Then I make my way to his lips. I hover there a moment, keeping our lips close, but not close enough to touch. Austin is frozen in place, his hands holding mine close to his chest, eyes closed and lips slightly open. I touch my lips to his, both of us sighing into the kiss. Neither of us moves and we just stay like that, lips touching moving over one another. It's slow, full of emotions, my heart is pounding in my ears, my stomach hurts and all of my muscles feel petrified. But then his hands let go of mine and hug my back, bringing my chest flush with his. I tangle my fingers in the soft locks of hair on his head. The kiss becomes fluid, hands are everywhere, touching everything, pulling at clothes and giving goosebumps everywhere they touch skin.

I put my arms around his neck and hug him tightly, hiding my face in his neck. Austin's breath is coming in short gasps as he holds onto me. "I want you!" I say breathless. I wait for him to respond, but he doesn't. Struggling, I concentrate on his still shallow breath to keep me sane. "Are you sure?" Austin speaks so low I have to make an effort to hear. "Yes!" I'm sure, I need him. I want him. I'm done of holding back, I'm done questioning everything. "I believe you Austin and as much as I try to fight it, I know that I can't ever leave you." His lips crash against mine, kissing me hungrily and there was raw emotion in the way his fingers curled around my waist, pulling me closer if that was possible. Heat rose up to my chest and all my senses unfurled as the taste of him nearly silenced all my thoughts. Nearly, because the sudden thought that we're still in my childhood bedroom with my mom sleeping down the hall, washes over me like cold water.

"Wait!" I push against his chest and he looks at me panting, pupils blown with lust and lisp red from all the kissing. "What's wrong?!" Austin is panicked, scared of what made me stop. I smile viciously and I see him relaxing a bit. "My mom is sleeping down the hall, we can't, not here at least" there's a glimmer in his eyes as the last few words leave my lips. He chuckles and pushes some of his hair back. "Wanna run away?" I laugh and cover my mouth to make sure I keep quiet. But as I look at him I see that his serious, not an ounce of joke on his features. "You're serious?" I ask and the breath gets caught in my chest when he grinds me over his hips. "Serious as I'll ever be. If this is what you want?" One of his hands stroked my hair as he starts to kiss my skin, leaving a warm feeling everywhere his lips touched. I tremor at his actions and I move my hips against his, moaning before I can stop myself. "Yes, please!" I say out of breath, like I just ran a marathon. I feel him smile against my skin and when he giggles his hot breath fans over my exposed skin. "Ok, come one!"

Austin gets up and pulls me with him. He starts walking to the balcony and I follow him, but then I remember I need my things. "Wait, I need my things." I say as I move frantically around the room, trying to rid it of any evidence that I was here. With my arms full, I drop half of what I'm carrying in his arms. "Ok, you ready?" He asks smirking at me. Nodding, I wait for him to jump over and then he helps me do the same. As stealthy as possible we sneak to his car, but before I get in, I remembered my own car. "I need to drive my own car, they can't know I was here!" I whispered. His brows draw together in confusion. "Didn't they see you when you came?" I shake my head. "They were asleep, I only got here like an hour ago." I explain and he just nods. "Ok, just drive close behind me, all right?" I nod and go to my car, getting in with shaky limbs. I take a minute to breathe and then I hear Austin's car start, so I do the same with mine to make sure I can keep up, even though I know where he lives, right now I need to be as close to him as possible. I can't believe this is really happening, but there's no one else I could've seen myself doing this with.

Thankfully he doesn't live too far away from my parents house and it's just a 15 minute drive. I can't park my car faster and I almost scream at my stupid seatbelt, for not unbuckling fast enough. I get out of the car at the same time as him and I walk up to him, making an effort to stop myself from running to him. Austin's hands catch my face and I hug his waist. It's a mess of lips meeting teeth and tongue. My knees go weak and my skin feels like it's on fire, despite the chilly air outside. His hands travel down my body and reach the back of my thighs. "Jump!" He takes his lips away from mine for long enough to say that and then his back, calming my mouth again hungry and intense. I do as told and jump up , wrapping my leg around his waist. I'm so caught up in the feeling of his arms wrapped around my frame, that I don't feel is move until my back meets a wall and the cold seeps through my thin tank top making me shiver. "Fuck, I have to unlock the door" I laugh at how angry it makes him, that he as to stop what we're doing to do something as simple as unlocking the door.

I start to get off of him, but his hands hold my legs in place and he shakes his head. "Stay!" He says. I feel one of his hands move to the front of his pants. Austin grunts in frustration when the key doesn't seem to want to fit in the hole. "Fucking shit!" He curses under his breath and I giggle at him. Putting my hand over his shaking one, I help him put the key in the hole and in a second the door is unlocked and slammed open. "What would I do without you?" He asks smiling up at me. "Fuck on the front porch?" I say shrugging my shoulders. "Someday, sure, you just wait!" I'd laugh if he didn't look so serious right about now. I feel his chest shake with laughter as he wraps his arms around my waist to hold me close as he walks inside, closing the door behind him. "I wouldn't laugh if I were you Butler, I might take you out on that" I whispered in his ear and his whole body gets tense. "Such a tease, who would've thought." He says clicking his tongue. I giggle pressing my lips to the shell of his ear.

When we get to his bedroom he slowly crawls on the bed, with me tightly wrapped around him. Then my back hits the fluffy bed and it all feels so real. He must of felt that I was worrying, because he turns my face to look at him. "We go as far as you want, ok? You have the lead here, baby. I'm all yours!" He says kissing the top of my nose, making my heart skip a beat. I nod and bring him in for a kiss, his body resting over mine, bringing in a new kind of warmth. I feel safe and hungry, but not hungry for food, hungry for his touch, for him to melt into me. Before I become aware of my fingers, they had already slipped under his shirt, feeling his skin, soft and radiating heat.

I gasp at the feeling of his hips slowing moving against mine. "Ah, Austin, please!" I say moving his shirt up so I can finally bare his chest. His lips trail kisses from the corner of my mouth, over my jaw, down my neck, stopping there a little longer to suck and lick, making me move under him, trying to get my hips to meet his. I can feel him through his sweatpants and when his crotch grinds over mine, is hypnotic, the feeling building in my lower belly. When his calloused hands move under my top, raising it up, my breath picks up, his mouth is busy leaving open-mouthed, soft-lipped kisses over the tender flesh of my shoulder. Before the material goes up, over my breasts his stops. "Can I?" He ask and I somehow manage to moan a breathy 'yes'.

When Austin throws the garment somewhere in the room and I'm bare in front of him, I try to cover myself, but he stops me. "You are you beautiful, please never hide from me, (y/n)." He goes back to planting wet kisses all over my shoulder and then he slowly moves down. My hands fly up to his hair, as he sucks one of my nipples in his mouth. It's feels so good, I throw my head back and moan, pulling on his hair. He growls against me and I feel the vibrations rummage in my chest. One of his hands is holding my hips in place, while the other massages the breast that's not in his mouth, twisting the nipple in between the rough pads of his fingers. "Austin, baby, feels so good!" I hum, drunk on the pleasure. His mouth switches places with his hand, showing both of my breasts the same kind of love. "You make such pretty noises." He moans against my nipple and I fight his grip, to grind my hips up into him. "Please!" I'm begging for his to do more, to touch me more. I can feel him smile and I tug his hair.

Austin leaves open-mouthed kisses all over my stomach and when he reaches my shorts, hooking two fingers in the waist band, he looks up at me. His eyes are so full of lust, there's barely any blue left. "I'm going to take these off, can I?" I nod frantically, brushing the hair out of my face. "Yes, please!" I pant. He takes them off slowly, along with my panties. Getting off of the bed, he takes off my shoes, which I still had on and then starts to undress himself. I look away, feeling my cheeks burn. "Don't look away, look at me." I look at him, but I keep my eyes fixed on his. That is of course until he moves down to take his own shoes off and discard the pants and boxers, that pooled at his feet. Wow, he's beautiful, all of him. Sure I've seen men naked before, I'm going to be a doctor, so anatomically the human body is no mystery. But I've never felt like this like I want to touch and memorize every inch of him, like I want to know the way every patch of skin feels under my lips.

He climbs on top of me, hands holding my waist, and lips hungrily engulfing mine. I can feel him hard against my belly and I move under him, causing my skin to touch his penis. He moans into the kiss. "I want to kiss you here." He says, one of his big hands cupping my pussy. I shudder at the new sensation, bucking against his hand. "Yes, please, Austin" licking his lips he moves down my body, hooking my legs over his shoulders, grabbing my thighs to keep them open. The position suddenly makes me feel nervous and shy, so I try to close my legs but he won't allow it. Feeling me move his eyes snap up at me. "You ok? Do you want me to stop?" I shake my head, trying to find the right words to say. "No, just, I'm not pretty Austin, it's just, you looking at me like this, what if, I mean, I'm not-" I can't make sense of what I'm saying but he understands. "You are the most beautiful girl, (y/n), I love every bit of you. I love you belly" he goes over to kiss my belly, grazing the skin with his teeth and making me giggle at the ticklish feeling. "I love you thighs" he says and moves to kissing over my hip all the way to my inner thighs. Making me squirm underneath his touch. Austin is kissing, biting and licking everywhere, everywhere, but where he promised. "Austin please!" I whine, buckling my hips up.

First I feel his hot breath and then I feel his soft, warm lips, kissing and sucking. Then his hot tongue licks at me. I whimper, pulling at his hair with one hand, the other one, grabbing the sheets. "So sweet, keep making those pretty noises baby, you sound heavenly." He praises me, going back to continue his ministrations on me. His tongue flicks and twirls around my clit, driving me crazy, turning me into a moaning mess. I feel one of his sleek fingers play at my hole and then he pushes it slowly. I move against him, trying to feel more. Austin catches onto my frustration and easing a second finger in, he gives me a moment to adjust to the stretch. "So tight and sweet, such a lovely pussy, all mine." I grunt as he curls his fingers up, moving them in and out of me, sucking and licking at my clit. It's all too much, it's so good and intoxicating. My hips buckle to meet his moves. The knot forming in my lower belly, feels like it's closer to snapping, I get tense, this is all new for me. "Relax baby, you're going to cum, come on, don't hold back" Austin says as the hand that was preoccupied with holding my hips in place, moves up to my boobs, pinching my nipples. That's when I feel it, the knot snapping and everything around me going blurry. I bite the back of my hand to stop myself from screaming. As I pull in his hair he moans against me as he's still playing with my clit, slowly moving his fingers to help me ride my high.

Pulling his fingers out of me, the empty feeling makes me whine, as I clench around nothing. Austin licks his fingers clean as he moves over to the nightstand to get a condom out of the drawer. Coming back over me, he sits on his knees in between my legs. "Want to help me?" He ask, and I snap my eyes, that were previously looked on his hard cock, up at his face. He's smiling at me and that somehow eases my nerves. I nod and he takes my hand by the wrist, guiding it to his length. "Just, wrap your hand around it" I do as he says and look at the muscles in his abdomen move. Guiding my hand up and down, he moans, throwing his head back and cursing. My heart flutters knowing I can make him feel like this. His hand leaves mine and I move on my own as he opens the condom. Putting the condom on his tip he speaks. "Pinch the tip of the condom and roll it down slowly, it's ok if you get it wrong, I have more." He laughs as he finishes the sentence. With all the concentration I can muster I do as he says. "Perfect!" His hand grabs my chin and tilts it up so I look at him.

Austin kisses me slowly, pushing me against the bed, caging me. One of his hands is holding him up so that he's not crushing me under his weight and the other moves between us to bring himself up to my entrance. I can fell the tip resting there and he puts his hand on my hip to stop me from thrusting into him. "Are you sure you want this? We can stop, if-" I kiss him to stop the unnecessary babbling. "I love you, I'm sure." He tenses up and brings his face up to look at me. "You what?" He ask unsure that what he heard was real. I stroke his face gently. "I love you! I don't think I've ever stopped" he blinks quickly and even I the dark I can see the tears welling up in his eyes, but then I feel the hot liquid touch my face and roll off of my skin. His lips ghost over mine, I can taste the salt in his tears and the sweetness of him. He pulls away quickly, too quick. "Say it again." He demands and I smile. "I love you" he kisses me shortly and starts pushing in. "Again” he grunts. I moan feeling him slowly stretch me, it's definitely a lot more than his fingers and it stings a lot, but somehow there's pleasure in the pain. "I love you" kiss "I love you!" Kiss.

We go like this until his all the way in and his pelvis hits mine. It's hurts a lot and I try to breathe through it. Austin kisses my face, my lips, my eyes, my nose, everything. "I love you too, you're doing so good for me, baby" I squeeze him and his hips flutter against mine. Feeling him move  brings a new kind of good to the mixture. "Move please." He pulls back slowly and then pushes back in, I feel so full and my walls hug him in. "God, so warm and perfect, made for me (y/n)" he huffs as he starts a steady pace. We move in sink, hips meeting halfway way and hands grabbing all that they can. "I love you, fuck this is so good!" I moan kissing him, walking my tongue over his lips. He gasps into my mouth and our tongues start to dance, battling for dominance. The knot from earlier comes back and I feel like I need more. "Aus, I'm close, more, please, shit!" He starts to move faster, covering my mouth with his, to swallow all my cries. Austin brings one hand between us and draws circles over my clit. "Cum for me, (y/n), come on baby!" He whispers in my ear and biting down on his shoulder, my orgasm wishes over me harder then before. His hips start to lose rhythm and his moves get sloppier, as he soon stills. Austin grunts and kisses over my shoulder as I feel him twitch inside me, while my walls still flutter around him, squeezing him, from my previous orgasm.

I feel so good, so warm and tired and when he moves over, to go into the bathroom, I shiver at the absence of his body on mine. He comes back with a towel in hand and he wipes it over my thighs, making me tremble, since I'm still sensitive there. When he’s done, Austin throws the towel somewhere in the room and moving me up on the bed he brings the coves over me. He joins me under the warm duvet and I hug his side. The feeling of his skin on mine must be the best thing I've ever experienced. "I love you!" I say sleepy as he strokes my hair with one hand, his other one moving up and down my upper arm. "I love you too!" He kisses the top of my head. "So does this mean I can still take you out tomorrow?" He mumbles against my hair.

I shake my head and as serious as I can I say "No, I just wanted you for the sex." His chest moves with laughter and the sound fills me up with joy. "Flattered to be at your service, ma'm!" Austin says making me giggle and bury my face in his shoulder. "Ok I may allow, one date, if you make me your famous breakfast tomorrow" his hands move me to lay on top of him, with my legs straddling his waist. I sit my head in the palms of my hands on top of his chest and look at him smiling. "Just one date?" Austin asks coming in for a kiss, but I pull my head back so he can't reach my lips. "Maybe, if the breakfast is extremely good, there will be more, than one!" One of his hands goes to the back of my head and as we both laugh we meet halfway in a quick kiss.

I remain like this on top of him, as his hands rest on my back. I play with his hair and rest my head on his chest, over his heart, listening to the beautiful sounds it makes. Our breaths calm down and soon sleep catches both of us. And we fall asleep like this, skin on skin, my ear over his heart, my hands his hair and his lips kissing my head. It's perfect, it's how it should've always been, just us.

Tags: @kittenlittle24 @amorx @cryingabtab @lexicox044 @lrissa @feral4austinbutler @sageskywalker @jesssssicaa @rainydayz101 @flwersgarden @bobthefishiesworld @captured-memory @homebodybirkin2003 @galaxygirl453 @butlerslut @chrisevansgirl34 @myradiaz @pennyroyalcreep @macey234 @im-lame-irl @lordandmistress @the-girl-wh0-cries-w0lf @poppet05 @gabbywontlose @4shbug @0-thegoodwitch-0 @hauntedarchivesx @chewiethecatus @sunnyx07 @francesbloomer @jessaroni19 @finelineskies

[calamity-unlocked]

Sigh. I accidentally posted my half-finished answer to a really kind ask and then in a panic deleted all of it.

So! Rewriting it all. (Hope you'll see this, anon <3) I unfortunately don't have a copy of the ask, but what anon basically asked for were my reasons why I stopped listening to dndads.

There are a couple, mostly boiling down to that I felt increasingly frustrated with Anthony and the waste of potential in season 2. I'll elaborate on this - really happy someone asked me about this actually, I've been looking for an excuse to write out my thoughts on the matter.

Dndads negativity under the cut (aka hater hours)

First of all prefacing this with saying that the most important factor was probably my personal mental health. But we're not here to talk about that, we're here to rant!! So, here is my little wordspew which I've been wanting to write for literal months:

Rejecting the Storytelling Medium You Use and Ignoring the Consequences

Let's start on a positive note; I love the comedy of this show and the cast's chemistry. Every time I listened to an episode, I laughed so hard my jaw hurt. They are incredibly funny people.

However, every time as the credits rolled after "On My Way," a sense of nervous disappointment lingered. The problem sat in season 2's story. Every episode is funny, but the narrative steps that were taken were just frustrating, going in a direction that lead either to meaningless conflict or another fetch quest with minimal results.

Dungeons and Daddies should not be a Dungeons and Dragons podcast.

People struggling with the rules and deciding to do their own thing with it can have its charm - it never annoyed me in the first season of the Adventure Zone. But with dndads it actively hinders the show and the storytelling.

It's just... Anthony isn't that good of a DM.

He knows the rules of d&d 5e. He just doesn't want to use them. He gets frustrated when his players take creative actions that undermine the story he planned out. An example is the confrontation between the teens and Willy. Lots of really creative actions and high-level spells were used, but Anthony consistently shut those down and in the end it all went according to how he wanted it to go.

They frequently rerecord scenes when they feel it didn't work out. That's not exactly letting the dice decide, which is what the whole genre is based on!

My sister and I used to speculate on where the story could go, and we often jokes 'this is good stuff, Anthony Buch take notes', and those jokes turned from (affectionate) to (derogatory) once it became clear to us that the direction Anthony was taking really didn't sit right with us.

Season 2 truly had so much potential. We have a set of really interesting PCs who have a strong relationship with a set of equally (if not more) interesting NPCs. The setup of the Doodler as a bbeg was great - and so was the reveal of the Doodler's true feelings.

But the story dragged out, didn't grow, the jokes detracted and distracted from the narrative, emotional beats were unearned, etc. I was bored with the characterization of the kiddads and their actions. The return of the og dads was messy and took away from the story. The three month time skips during a period in which there were supposed to be stakes made me want to rip my hair out.

There's a whole other essay I can make about how d&dads undermines it own stakes, but this is already getting too long so that's for another time.

Also, and I'm so sorry to use Anthony as a punching bag this much, but the man verbally undermines himself so much. He constantly says he doesn't like the second season, negatively compares both PCs and storybeats with the first season, and disses his own capabilities. I understand anxiety well, believe me I do, but continuously saying that you don't think this thing you've created is any good to your fans on your own podcast gets frustrating. This seems to me something you share your personal circle or your therapist, not to your thousands of fans who probably listen to the podcast because it brings them joy!

I have so much more to say, talking about this truly sparks joy in me. But all that matters I suppose is that I've happily divorced. Sadly writing about Lark Oak genuinely helps me cope with all the stuff that's going on, so I'll be tied to this podcast for a while longer.

[manonamora-if]

i dont know if u feel up for it to answer but like... how do u handle negative comments and ratings and just people being negative about ur stuff? bc i have someone just being rude in comments or like notes and game folders on itch and its making me want to just delete everything and never show anyone anything anymore. or even have an acocunt on itch either.

Hi Anon,

I'm sorry you've been dealing with this, and that it took me so long to answer. I've been thinking about this for a while honestly. I've been writing a bunch of drafts for this one, because my answer seems to change with the day or my mood. Some of my stuff have had some strange interactions lately that's made me question whether I should stay on itch myself. I mean, I don't think I'll ever leave... there are too many fun jams I want to participate and, you know, to force people to play my weird stuff. But I've been more anxious about new stuff or updates I share recently.

I don't blame you for wanting an out. Some users will poison one's experience of a platform, that even opening the site would give them anxiety. It doesn't take much to have events or projects soured. Often, just a few rude words is enough to make accounts disappear without a word. And many platform don't have good safety nets (blocking, moderation, reports) to temper or avoid these situations. Many will have half-ass solutions that, at the end of the day, still allows interactions from blocked users. It's easy to wonder if all of this is worth it...

Anyway, the very boring and short answer to your question: it depends.

The probably as boring and long one is a bit of a ramble:

It depends on the day, or the mood I have. It's easier to deal with comments when I'm confident and things are going find; but I'd feel more hurt or have a harder time dealing with them when I'm a bit more morose (I think most people feel this way). I'll disregard any (even barely) negative points some days, only to take it into consideration a few days later. <- this especially during jam/comps time, just need time to digest criticism of any kind.

It also depends on the content of the comment, their tone, and intent of the commenter. Not all negative comments are on the same level. I've had negative comments in the past where the commenter was genuine, and really gave my stuff a shot, bringing interesting points or important concerns. And though it hurt a bit, because being told you made a mistake sucks, those helped me grow. But those are the good kinds of comments...

On the other hand, I try to disregard the trolls, and the abusive comments (towards my work or me), the ones where the engagement was clearly not done in good faith... you know, the ones who will literally tell me I've made the world worse by uploading my games on itch. Doesn't mean that it doesn't affect me at all*. Some of them really hurt or made me angry and frustrated, some have lingered for hours or days in my mind, a few made me close to delete stuff as well. Words are not just empty things without meaning... *I've had to block a few people both here and other places recently because of it, they had become so insistent on wanting to engage with me while bashing most of my work, my values or the few aspects of my identity that I've shared online.

It would be easy to say I just don't give them the time of day or any of my energy, or that I pretend they don't exist, because, if I do, then the trolls win. But that would be lying. Obviously.

Screaming to the void/a pillow or ranting to friends have helped get rid of my anger and frustration. I've laughed with others about some comments I got (usually the bad faith ones, some of them are funny in how sad/bad they were). I think what worked best for me was just turn off the computer and go outside for a bit. Or turned off the internet and play silly games on my phone. Or picked up a book. Or watch a movie. Essentially, any activity that would distract me from it and force me to take a break. And when none of this worked, because some trolls are just that insistent, blocking/deleting stuff*. *unfortunately, it's not always possible, see second paragraph again.

It does suck that you're kinda forced to grow a thicker skin to enjoy or even exist in those spaces, and I wish those would be friendlier... but I don't think social platforms/the internet is going in that direction anytime soon.

Maybe not super helpful to your decision, but borogove.io hosts IF games (without ratings or comments, though people can download the files), so does the IFDB through the IFArchive (but there are ratings/reviews there, also can be downloadable). I've seen other peeps host their stuff on neocities (no ratings/comments). None of those platforms are like itch, in the positives or the negative. Or just be old school, and email stuff.

[spookystarfishzombie]

Just a little 'hello & welcome to my blog' post.

Most people have a pinned introduction post & I thought I should probably get on that. This will also double up as a FAQ post too:

First & foremost: FREE PALESTINE! I won't hear any different, go argue with a wall (no it's not performative, as I have been accused of in the past (all because I criticised an actor), I've attended marches, signed petitions, written to my local MPs, attended meetings & help set up fund raising events, so fuck off with your 'performative activism' buzz words, I'm not here for it).

Secondly, Hi, I'm Kay (she/her), I'm a veteran of Tumblr, unfortunately. I love watching films, I love to draw, read and have green fingers, yes I'm a plant mama, I just friggin' love plants. My prized plant is my monstera because she started off so small & now she's doubled in size. So happy! I also put the B in LGBTQ, I'm very proud of the bi community & love being part of it (bigots can go suck a cactus). I also have crippling anxiety and I'm irritatingly shy, I wish I wasn't but I've always been shy, so if you want to talk to me, you're going to have to be the one to reach out otherwise I'm radio silent (I'm working on it). I'm a millennial, so if you're a minor, sorry, I won't be forging friendships. But you're awsome, just know that!

I used to have Texts From Last Night (TFLN) blog for Stranger Things a few years back that was basically the same as this blog (except back then I had thousands of followers *sigh*). I deleted it because a) people were annoying about it, b) people didn't seem to understand that this wasn't to be taken seriously and c) I got chased off the site because apparently labelling Mike as bi was a death sentence. I said fuck it, and deleted. I started it around when season 2 came out & deleted just before season 4. But I'm hoping the fandom is a little more mature now & I can start up with a fresh, new Stranger Things TFLN blog again, mainly because I miss making edits. Making edits helps take my focus off my anxiety. Yay anxiety.

I take texts from the site Texts From Last Night (it's no longer being maintained, unfortunately), then I take screencaps from my own laptop or from a site called screencapped, then throw it altogether.

I do sometimes edit the original TFLN to fit the screencap, so if the original TFLN mentions a name, I'll change the name to say, for example, Lucas or Nancy. I'll change it if it includes ages & place names too, just to fit with Stranger Things. I also sometimes add my own Text to make it flow smoother, for example this one with Steve & Eddie (the post), the original TFLN only had the 'Eddie' part but I didn't think it flowed well, so I made up a 'Steve' text with a made up area code, so it made more sense that 'Eddie' was responding to 'Steve' rather than just having it as a stand alone text (I really over-complicate my descriptions, huh?).

The numbers on the posts are area codes, and the texts aren't colour coded, I just use what ever colour stands out against the background. I also don't do it by ships; I'll find a text that I think is funny and find a screencap that roughly matches up, so please don't request ship/character posts. I'll maybe do submissions at a later date, where you can send in your funny texts but right now, I'm just making my way through the TFLN site.

Not a particularly interesting introduction post but there you go. I ain't got much to say, I guess. But I will say thanks for your support so far on here, you guys seem to be enjoying the posts and that's all that really matters. Much love!

Kay

x

[sapphirerubycreates]

Marvin's Night (Spring Senior Year)

Missed Messages AU

Author's Note: Okay, so this is going to be done in parts. I'll reblog as an addition for each. It's one very long scene (~7.2k words), but I don't feel good splitting it up into separate posts, nor having one large thing. So, hope you enjoy this as it comes along (I am so scared to post this). Also fun fact, the working title for this in my doc is "We're just going from memory bitch". This is that scene I re-wrote seven times. As with this entire series, minor details may be different from previous posts cause I am flying by the seat of my pants. I'm working on trying to not do many retcons, but they will happen. Sorry :(

Summary: After a month of being ghosted by Robin, Marvin is finally going to confront her at her final project showcase. Yes it's a shitty thing to do, but he's been through enough shit already. And he needs an answer once and for all if he can be with her (if he ever asked her out) or if he just needs to give up and move on. It's going to be a roller coaster of a night.

Last Friday in April, senior year

---------------------------------------------------

Marvin had turned it over again and again in his mind. Drafted too many texts that were deleted within minutes of writing them. Hesitated to ask for fear of the answer he didn’t want to hear. It wasn’t until that night he had finally decided he had to man up and see her. (Well, that’s a lie. He was always going to go to support her at the Capstone presentation. Never actually thought of not going. He was just silently loathing his current situation and, by proxy, going there). No dodging him this time. Even if he felt bad about cornering her, he deserved an answer about where they stood.

And even though he wasn’t the one in the limelight, Marvin found himself stuck at his closet. Casual clothes didn’t feel good enough. But he wasn’t supposed to dress up either. Nothing held the right gravity for his dilemma.

“Come on, we’re gonna be late!” Anti yelled from downstairs.

“In a minute!” Marvin yelled back, still paralyzed. Slacks? What about a plain shirt? Why were his jeans so off-putting?

“What is the hold up?” Anti was close now, probably on the other side of the bed.

“It’s stupid,” Marvin answered, the constant inability to do anything besides freeze stirring up his anxiety.

“What is?”

Marvin sighed, placing a hand on the closet door before facing his brother. “I don’t have an outfit.”

Anti’s jovial laugh added insult to injury. This was indeed a very silly problem. Of course he knew that. It just didn’t feel like it right now. “I’m serious.” Unfortunately. 

“I know,” Anti calmed himself down, getting out his last kick of it. “You’re hopeless.”

“Yes, now help.”

Marvin pushed aside the clothes hangers, trying to go back through them again. Maybe something would spark? He looked towards his dresser, expecting Anti to be digging up some obscure t-shirt, but found an empty space instead. Looking around, the room was empty, again. “God-” Marvin cursed under his breath, now angrily rejecting each piece of clothing for a third time.

Then his hair was pushed into his eyes and fabric against his head. “There!”

“Wha?” Marvin grabbed the front of the hat and tipped it up so he could actually see again and moved in front of his mirror. Dark gray fedora with a few specks of glitter that caught the light (glitter that wasn’t intentionally placed on the hat, he was certain).

“It’s a loan, but you look fine now.”

“This is...” Something wretched in his gut. It definitely was far from the unattainable perfect he had wanted, but just... the opposite of great. Felt almost like an insult, even if there was nothing actually objectionable about the hat. Paradoxically discordant between his emotions and reality, considering he’d been loaned this specific hat before and it really did snaz up any outfit.

“We’re gonna be late.” Anti grabbed his brother’s hand and pulled him downstairs. Then, finally, Anti, Marvin, and Jameson got into Anti’s car to drive to the showcase.

First words from Marvin only surfaced about a minute after the engine started. “Thanks, Jameson.” Marvin looks beside him to see the thumbs up from his brother. Jameson waited a few seconds before venturing a question.

“Are you excited?”

Marvin didn’t answer. Couldn’t really. Tonight, he could possibly l–... No, don’t think about it. “I’m sure she’ll do great. It’s her baby after all. Did almost the entire thing.” Jameson nodded encouragingly. “But uh, there’s other cool stuff too. I think one project was legos for skull reconstruction. So, make sure you get a chance to check out everything. Sure wish Henrik coulda come out. He’d probably have had a ball. ... Probably’s gonna have a lot of medical speak. I’ll make sure to stick by, in case you have questions.”

“He’s not a little kid,” Anti interjected. “Besides, I think we all have a good base cause of Hen. He’ll be fine.”

“Yeah,” Jameson tried to reassure Marvin. “Just enjoy yourself.”

“Enjoy myself, huh?” Marvin didn’t even know what that was supposed to mean for him at this point.

[untiedshoelaces]

Rant post I'll probably delete later. This contains multiple anxiety inducing parts of my life and will be all over the place because I can't form a coherent thought without everything overlapping.

My 30th birthday is less than a month away. I live with my parents, and I know that, in this economy, it shouldn't be something to be ashamed of. I'm not ashamed of it at all. But I am scared.

My dad is in his sixties now and he's noticeably slowing down. He's the only one who works because my mom is disabled and can't walk. I know I should have a job, but it's so fucking hard with everything going on with me mentally and physically. I've tried and tried and tried to work, but it never works. I'm scared that I'll be homeless.

Therapy is just out of reach for me. I have state insurance, but it just barely covers the bare minimum. I had a psychologist who I had 2 phone appointments with and then got kicked from the program for not going to an appointment I didn't even know I had.

I know I have friends, but it feels like I don't. Genuinely. I don't feel supported by anyone. Nobody listens when I talk. I get talked over constantly. So I end up not talking at all. And it has messed with me deeply. I can't have a proper conversation anymore. I'm silent 95% of the time. I know it's up to me to fix myself, but when you have no support, it's so fucking hard. I'm tired of people saying "I'm here for you" "you can talk to me about anything" and then just don't actually do any of that. They show each other the support that I don't receive. My messages go unread, unanswered.

I have nowhere to place my thoughts and the idea of posting anything other than "cute and quirky" or "funny" online is debilitating. I don't want to be seen as someone who is only so negative. I don't want pity. I just want to be heard. I'm just trying to be happy.

I feel shitty for not being able to lift myself out of whatever is going on with me. But I also know that I need support. I feel like everyone else has at least one person to confide in, to have them in their corner no matter what. But I'm just alone.

These days, I'm really trying to reach out more. Meet new people. Tell people when I feel uncomfortable or when they do things that upset me.

I know I'm not perfect. Everybody around me treats me like a child. I'm tired of all the eggshells.

[khodorkovskaya]

05.09.23

okay so... deep breath...

im barely hanging on you guys. like. i am under so much stress.

so basically i had two exams to retake: probability and functional analysis. and it's the only ones i have left to complete my degree. but, here's the fun little twist! if i don't pass im out! i only have one chance to pass them. and if i don't, thats 4 years of studying down the drain. fun fun fun!!!!!

so the first exam was on the 28th and it was really hard. i studied a lot, made flashcards and everything. and it was like impossibly hard. the thing is, this was a yearly class, so the overall grade is the average of two semesters. i got a 4.5 for the 2nd semester, so i only need 3.25 to pass the year. but the exam was so hard idek if i got 3.25... the prof said that if we only fill out the theory questions, that's a 4. the theory questions counted up to 8 points, so like if i get 8 points overall, that's a pass. but guys... im so scared...

so ive been freaking out a lot. and taking anxiety meds. and when i think about this exam i feel this FEAR in all caps. like. it's so bad. i can't sleep, i can't do anything, my skin is breaking out, it's hell.

then the second exam was on the 4th, so yesterday. and i was this close to losing it like the pressure was too much to handle. i burst out crying right before the exam but i managed to calm down. and tbh i think i'll pass this one. it was also quite difficult but i think i did okay. but still. the FEAR...

like i can't even describe it to you guys. i don't know if i'll even be able to have the courage to open my grades when they arrive. like i went on the university portal yesterday and my hands started shaking and i like had to crouch down bc my whole body became so weak i couldn't stand. it was terrifying.

so yeah... im really not having a good time right now.

in other news, okay, so i wanted to find a video in my whatsapp messages. so i went to "media" and started scrolling and i stumbled upon some things B and i had sent to each other back in the day. and i saw his new profile picture and.... he's in budva.

and okay first of all call me fucking geoguesser. bc the picture is just a selfie of him standing in front of a mountain. and i knew it was budva just from the shape of the mountain alone. and his head in blocking most of the mountain too but i still knew that it was budva right away.

then out of curiosity i checked his telegram profile picture and it's him in the old town sitting on a boulder like the thinker. again, i knew it was budva right away lol. and it's funny bc i saw that he deleted all of our telegram messages. all of them! i wonder when he did it. and why.

and also it hurt bc budva is MINE. like when lucien went to budva i was super jealous. but like whatever, it's a touristy destination, it doesn't matter. but it's strange that B went there. i mean we have so many memories there together. it's like if i went to sarajevo all of a sudden. and i wonder who he went with. his friend from belgrade? his new gonzesse lol? anyway, yeah.

another weird thing is that okay my zurich friend was in town and he asked to hang out and i had to decline bc i was studying for the exam. and then i saw on instagram that he posted this one song to his story. and the story itself was weird, my oxford bestie sent it to me like "what is this? why is he so weird?". it was basically like a blurry photo of a dimly lit street but like whatever artsy.

but yeah, it gave me whiplash because i had posted this exact song to my story exactly a year ago. day for day. like isn't that a weird coincidence.

and usually you know how im very obsessive especially when it comes to music. like if i like a song i listed to it on repeat non stop for days. and because of that a lot of the music i listen to is linked to a certain period of my life. so the song my zurich friend posted is the song of me breaking up with B. that's why it stood out to me so much. it's so strange...