#i'm Sick of people acting like actual good parents are awful

[ltbarnes]

‘Tis the Damn Season

Stark U #6

Summary: It’s Christmas Eve, you’re too drunk, you’ve basically avoided Bucky and Steve for six months and the last person you’d want to meet at this party just happens to be yelling in your face. The panic attack is inevitable, really.

Pairing: college!Steve Rogers x reader, college!Bucky Barnes x reader, college!Sam Wilson x reader, college!Natasha Romanoff x reader

Word count: 7.8k

Warnings: so much angst, past SA, alcohol, talk about violence, Christmas celebrations, things finally start to happen, kissing :)

A/N: Happy holidays to anyone who celebrates and to those who don’t, I hope you have a good few days anyways <3 This is the first I’ve posted since July which is awful of me so sorry

Series Masterlist

Main Masterlist

You didn't see them all summer. The day after your last exam was over, you bolted back to your hometown and spent the entire summer selectively ignoring messages from Bucky and Natasha and Steve and Sam asking what you were doing and how your summer was going and maybe you could all meet up and go somewhere and—

It's December now, and every goddamn day since June you have been trying to figure out if what Bucky said to you when you were sick was a fever-induced hallucination or if he really, actually, said that he wanted you to take his last name someday. It made you panic, because the entire spring term you tried to convince yourself that your feelings towards them were batshit crazy and any inkling to them feeling the same was a delusional reach, grasping for crumbs that in reality were just friendly gestures. And then he says that.

"She's just practicing her future last name, Stevie."

So, yeah...things have been weird. Three months have passed since classes started and none of you want to mention what happened right before summer break. Actually, with each day passing you feel more like maybe it was just a hallucination or a very vivid dream, because both Bucky and Steve act like it never even happened. Bucky even had his mouth latched onto some blonde sophomore at a dumb, stupid frat party on Halloween. You went home right after and cried for two hours. But it's not hard to conclude that even if there was some spark or connection or anything beyond friendship with either of them before summer, it has died out completely.

The subject will probably never be broached. You're too scared of confrontation and definitely too scared of revealing unreciprocated feelings for that to happen. The slightly tense atmosphere in the loft is entirely your fault—your lack of communication with anyone in the group during the summer has made them a little confused, you guess. You mostly spend time in your room, giving excuses of studying and talking with parents on the phone and 'I'm just tired, sorry'.

Spending too much time with Natasha scares you too, because she reads you so well and you don't want her to know how hurt and unhappily in love you are. She'll try to do something about it and then Steve and Bucky will catch on and then you will end up rejected and labeled as crazy, because who the fuck falls in love with two people?

That doesn't mean you've managed to avoid her. Living in the same apartment as her definitely makes that hard, but just the fact that she won't let you makes it impossible. Last week she even broke into your room when you had it locked, because apparently she knows how to pick a lock open in under ten seconds. She absolutely knows something is off, but so far she hasn't brought it up.

Natasha is the sole reason why you're now standing in the backyard of some rich kid's house just off campus, surrounded by smoke from cheap cigarettes and fairy lights hung up between the trees and one too many shots of vodka in your blood. It's December utterly and thoroughly—there's snow on the ground but people still haven't accepted the fact that wearing their short dresses and tank tops without jackets does not work anymore. Ice drops hangs from the tree where you stand, listening to Natasha talk with a drunken girl looking for her phone.

It's fun, sure. Not the worst party you've been to and not the best either. You talked to the girl you've been sitting next to in History class earlier for almost twenty minutes. Got free vodka. It's Friday and you don't have any exams to study for. None of that makes you forget that things aren't the same.

"Nat. Nat." You poke her shoulder repeatedly, obnoxiously probably, until she glances over her shoulder with a slight glare.

"What is it?"

"I'm gonna get 'nother drink. Inside," you tell her, pointing with your thumb towards a hedge even though it was meant to be the door. Natasha seems to understand anyway.

"Okay. Don't wander off too long. And come back here right after."

"Yes, ma'am." You give her a half-assed salute before turning around, swaying slightly in your step. It's the uneven and slippery surface of the snow-covered ground, you tell yourself.

There's a lot of people here, is what you note as you push yourself through the seemingly endless crowds of the living room. You kind of hate that they haven't played a single song you like and if Steve was here he would agree, because he doesn't listen to any music made after the internet was born. Bucky would then make fun of Steve and you would laugh and everything would be right in the world. Instead you're pressed to kitchen drawers of a dark kitchen, cheap vodka mixed with soda running down your throat.

The kitchen is crowded too, but either way it's a respite from whatever the hell's going on in the living room. Jumping up and down and calling it dancing (you were doing the same the hour before). You're too drunk to be miserable about everything happening in your life this entire term and much too drunk to feel the absolute atrocious taste of your drink.

In half an hour you will probably throw up and tomorrow will be spent nursing a horrible hangover, but those consequences seem insignificant right now. You just keep thinking about the image of Bucky shoving his tongue down someone's throat that wasn't yours. It was heartbreaking. That he's not here is a good thing, because you'd either witness the same thing again or actually bring it up to him, and that's much worse. God knows it's only a matter of time before Steve does the same thing.

Someone pushes into you, forcing the liquid from your cup to spill from the confines of the red plastic onto your dress. It's black, so it doesn't really matter, but the alcohol still seeps through the fabric until it reaches your skin.

"Shit, fuck—"

Your hand tries to somehow dry your dress by fanning the fabric, which obviously doesn't help very much, and the paper towels placed on the counter in front of you escape your drunken mind completely.

Fresh air and icy winter winds are the only options, so you push through and stumble into people on your way outside. It takes a lot longer than it should. You can't really see much considering the dizziness and darkness inside, but somehow, magically, you are eventually dragging your way towards Natasha who stands in the same place as before.

"Nat. Natty—I spilled. Look."

The black dress with the now wet patch is lifted towards her by your hands, highlighted for her to see. You sway as you tell her.

"Jesus, you can barely stand straight," Natasha answers with a stabling hand to your shoulder, shaking her head to herself instead of focusing on the very urgent fact that you spilled on yourself.

Natasha turns to the girl she's talking to, saying something you can't bother to decipher, before stepping aside with a guiding arm around you.

"We gotta get you home before you embarrass yourself for real," she mumbles underneath her breath.

"I heard that," you whisper, a loud hiccup following. Whoops.

She rolls her eyes, fishing her phone up from her pocket.

"Who—who you writing? To?" you ask, slightly aware that your sentences lack correct structure but not really caring. As long as the message comes across, right?

"I'm texting Steve. I can't drive and you sure as hell can't."

Even in your state, panic instantly sets in over the mention of his name even though you live in the same goddamn apartment.

"Nooo. No Steve."

Your hand grasps for her phone. Nat pulls it away from your reach much quicker than you can comprehend.

"Yes Steve. You're a mess and he's the only one with the patience to take care of this level of drunk. I don't care that you're avoiding them for some stupid goddamn reason," she tells you.

"Nat," you whine. "He can't see me. I spilled!"

She just glares at you. "I swear to god, Y/n...nobody cares that you spilled your drink. I can't even see it."

"I'm so drunk!"

"Yeah, I know. Just—just stay here, okay? I'm going to get you some water so you can sober up by the time your precious Steve comes for us."

Natasha is heading inside before you can process her words. Waiting in place for a few minutes turns into an eternity in your mind. She should know better than to leave you unattended and then expect you to stay—really, it's her own fault. You will accept no blame if Nat gets mad at you for going inside again. It's cold and you need to go to the bathroom. Also, you're mad at her. Telling Steve to come get you? That's just...embarrassing.

Once again you're shouldering your way past people on about the same level of intoxication as you. There's a bad remix of a Christmas song playing loudly. Makes you wanna punch whoever's phone is connected to the speaker. The bathroom is so, so far away. It's something the architect of this house should've thought of before he put it at the very end of this long hallway you're currently making your way through, but clearly he didn't have you in mind.

"Fuck! Watch where you're going, asshole," some girl seethes at you as your shoulder nudges against hers. A nudge is an exaggeration—you brushed against it at most. She's probably an aggressive drunk, that's all.

You don't answer, instead fumbling for the door handle to what you believe might be the bathroom. Some couple is making out in here, the girl with her ass planted on the edge of the bathtub and the guy nearly devouring her face. Doesn't look very pleasant, if you're honest.

"Out. I need to pee."

Your hands find their way to their shoulders, ushering the lovesick pair out of the room without much protest from either of them. They're still making out as they walk out.

Despite your less than sober state, you manage to remember to lock the door after they leave. Some of the mascara that previously inhabited your lashes has moved down to rest under your eyes. You rub it away, smudging it slightly, but it just makes you look a little more like one of those cool girls you always see on campus. It will do.

You kind of want to throw up, but decide against it. That hasn't happened since you were a freshman, and you'd like to keep it that way. Staring at yourself in the mirror occupies your time in the bathroom instead, swaying slightly with your hands placed on the cold sink. If Steve saw you now he would be so disappointed. At least you imagine he would be—that fatherly look on his face as he tells you how you need to be more mindful with your alcohol consumption. Did you even watch who poured your drink? Never go anywhere alone at a party. Especially not a frat one. You know better than this, Y/n.

Steve's imaginary voice is interrupted by someone banging on the door, shouting for you to hurry the fuck up. It's been over ten minutes, but to you it just feels like three, and Natasha has been looking for you ever since she returned to the garden with a glass of water in her hand and no one to give it to. It's not her banging on the door, unfortunately, but instead a dickhead guy who has no patience. Can't a girl spend some time alone in the bathroom doing nothing anymore?

The guy glares at you as you push the door open, stumbling out into the crowded hallway while paying him no mind. It's dark save for the red LED-lights plastered on the walls, making it feel like a seedy dive bar instead of a seedy house. You don't see much.

"Hey! Hey, you—the girl with the black dress!"

Someone pushes their way past the people talking and making out and leaning against the walls, shoving through them as he searches for your attention. Of course, you don't really think it's you he's after. Half of the people at this party are wearing black dresses.

A clammy hand finds purchase on your shoulder, halting you in your less than gracious steps and turning you around with ease. Head tilted back, gaze running upwards until they settle on the face of a quite attractive guy. He doesn't look pretty happy to see you. You're not very happy to see him either.

The blood drains from your face, stealing away all that alcohol-induced heat within a second as his curly hair and green eyes look down at you with that same contempt he had when Sam dragged him away from the kitchen almost a year ago. You had hoped you never had to see him again. It was a naive thing to wish for.

"Y/n, right?" he asks bitterly. You don't answer, but he takes your silence as a yes. It was probably a rhetorical question anyway. His slightly crooked nose was perfectly straight the last time you saw him. His face is committed to your memory, burned in to taunt you on sleepless nights and everytime an unknown man walks a little too closely when you're out alone. "Your little boyfriend broke my fucking nose. You know that?"

Another rhetorical question. Definitely more threatening. Might be the tight grip he has on your arm too. Either way, his mere presence has apparently stripped away your ability to breathe normally. It feels like you've been running to the point of nausea, dark spots dancing before your eyes as he shakes you in attempt to get an answer.

"You ruined my fucking reputation. For what? I barely touched you. Such a sensitive fucking bitch, going around telling everyone that..." His voice trails off, ushering you into a quiet corner when he realizes people are staring. "Got nothing to say now, huh? Been so good at running your fucking mouth before, haven't you?"

"Let me go," you whisper, voice wavering. You don't sound assertive at all, instead weak and fearful. It's what you feel, as an upbeat, slightly bad cover rendition of "All I Want For Christmas" booms through the house. Girls shrieking in excitement over in the living room reaches your ears. You would have joined them if you weren't currently cornered by the guy who assaulted you in your own kitchen a year ago.

"No, we're going to fucking talk. What the fuck were you doing, going around saying shit like that about me to everyone?"

"I...I didn't..." Your lips part between words, breathing out shakily, trying to articulate sentences long enough to make sense. Why can't you speak? Why can't you even think?

"You didn't what?" he seethes. "You're such a fucking bitch, you know that? Acts all innocent and hides behind her friends. My nose is fucking crooked forever because of that fuckhead you sent after me."

Is it the alcohol that renders you this goddamn useless? There's just tears springing to your eyes, unable to say anything in defense of yourself. Can't even walk away.

He pushes you against the wall, knocking the breath out of you. To other people it probably looks like you're hooking up. At least that's what you hope they think, because otherwise you want to wonder why no one is intervening.

"Joshua, please let me go," you tell him again, even more pathetic this time. You're crying now, curled in on yourself in attempt to make yourself as small as possible.

"Fuck, you're so—"

"She told you to let her go."

The assertive, familiar tone booms through the hallway. It doesn't really, can probably only be heard by the people around you, but it feels like it when Steve's tall figure pushes through with hasty steps towards where you and Joshua stand, followed by a glaring Bucky with his jaw clenched so fucking tightly. A sob of relief is drawn from your lips, muffled by the back of your hand.

Joshua steps back instantly. Kind of funny to think that he's so scared of those two, and sad to think that he only respects a 'no' when it comes from men.

"Nice nose job," Bucky speaks up, pointing at his own nose as he stares at Joshua's crooked one, courtesy of the damn good punch he managed to land with his left fist all those months ago.

"Fuck you," Joshua growls, taking a step forward in attempt to appear more threatening or something. He doesn't really succeed—both Bucky and Steve towers over him in both length and build, unrelenting in their stance. As if they're stone walls keeping out the enemy.

Steve rolls his his eyes, shaking his head with a sigh. "Just get out of here. Don't go near her ever again, you hear me? Bucky's glad to fix your nose otherwise. Break it right back. Can't promise the result will be very good, though."

Bucky stands slightly behind Steve, raising an eyebrow in Joshua's direction that tells him there's not even a trace of a lie in the blonde giant's statement.

"You—fuck this." Joshua throws his hands in the air, aiming the most distasteful glare over his shoulder in your direction, before pushing past Steve and Bucky with a shove.

Your body instantly deflates, the tension melting off your limbs as you close your eyes and lean back against the wall. Gentle, firm hands instantly reach your cheeks, your arms, searching for any trace Joshua might have left behind on your body.

"Hey, hey. Y/n, are you okay? Did he touch you? Sweetheart, look at me."

Bucky's voice draws you out of the anxious, panicked state you slipped into, fluttering your eyelids open to see his worried frown and an equally worried Steve looming behind him. Wet cheeks and red-rimmed eyes greet them, pupils dilated from the alcohol.

"Y/n, are you hurt? How long have you two been talking?" Steve adds, looming over you in such a way that his large frame blocks out any of the colorful lights plastered on the walls.

They already know you're drunk—Natasha was the one to call them here to get you, after all. Maybe your silence and obvious intoxication makes it clear to them after a couple of seconds that an answer from you is a few minutes away, a few miles of distance from this foggy, packed house. Nothing more is said or requested from you. Instead your trembling form is led away and out into the biting cold by gentle hands belonging to your friends. Even your slight shock can't shield you from freezing your ass off as soon as you get out into the fresh air again, teeth beginning to chatter within the second step on tightly packed snow.

"What the—where the hell have you been? I swear to god, Y/n, I was gone for two minutes! I've been looking for you everywhere!" an angry Natasha yells, running perfectly towards the three of you down the slippery lawn to where Steve is currently helping you into the backseat of his car.

"Nat," Steve says, giving her a pleading look that silently tells her it's not the time for a scolding.

"What? I told her to stay put when I went to get her a glass of water and she just disappeared out of nowhere. Slippery motherfucker while drunk, I swear she'll be the death of me—"

"Nat," he repeats, sternly this time. In that tone only he masters, silencing even the most eager tongues with a single exhale. "She met Joshua. And she's not okay. So please, leave your yelling for tomorrow and get in the car."

Steve holds the passenger door open, gesturing for the seat beside Bucky. He's turning the key, letting the car warm up properly while he clutches the wheel tightly. Natasha's irritated frown turns into a concerned one, nodding silently before slipping inside. Steve closes the door shut behind her.

You lean your head against the frost-covered window, fogged up by your breath two inches away from it, and close your eyes. Steve leans over you, reaching for the belt and fastens it over your torso. You forgot. He never does.

It's no surprise, doesn't startle you despite your absentminded state, when his warm hand cups your cheek, turns your head to face him. Soft, blue gaze and ridiculously long lashes. It's nothing but contrasting against the clouds released from your mouths with each breath—warm, concerned...loving? Maybe.

"Are you okay?" he whispers, thumb rubbing over your cheek.

You nod. "Yes. I am now."

Bucky puts his foot on the gas, turns on the blinker, and pulls away from the curb, out onto the streets. It's nearly soundless. The usual rumble from wheels against road is cushioned by the snow.

"This was a mistake. Sorry, I can't—" Sam gags, moving his head out of the bathroom before returning his presence within a few seconds. "You're a real shitty guard, Nat. Why'd you let her drink this much?"

All four of your roommates are gathered in the bathroom, surrounding you as if you're a newly born lion cub in a zoo, while you puke your guts out into the toilet. Steve is kneeling on the floor beside you, a comforting hand rubbing your back, while Bucky sits a few feet away with a glass of water in hand, ready for whenever you need it.

"Fuck you. You weren't there—she was like a goddamn ghost, just slipping away everytime I blinked. Looked fucking everywhere for her. 'S not my fault," Nat answers, residing on the floor of the shower in lack of space.

"Not true," you murmur in answer, your voice echoing off the ceramic surrounding you.

You're pretty much done throwing up, it's just the exhaustion following that's keeping you slumped over on the bathroom tile. Your hand stretches out in Bucky's direction, reaching for the glass of water that's gulped down within a few seconds.

"Careful. Gonna get sick again if you do it this fast," Bucky says, unable to help himself from brushing away the stray drops of water running down your chin.

The gesture is nothing new from him. He did it when you were sick all those months ago too, and you haven't forgotten it at all. His thumb gently rubbing over your skin as if you're precious, something deserving of gentleness, is engraved into your mind. You're thankful for getting most of the alcohol out of your system, because you might not have remembered this moment in the morning if not. Fuck it if you forgot the way his pupils widen just slightly, as if he didn't mean to, as if he couldn't help himself.

"I'm fine," you whisper in answer, clearing your throat. "Got it all out."

"Good." Steve's hand moves up from your back to your head, stroking it for just a second before withdrawing his touch. "Let's get you to the couch."

"I don't wanna go to the couch. Wanna be in my bed." You're pouting. Maybe there is some trace of alcohol left in you.

"Steve and Buck will feel much less like creepy stalkers if they stare at you sleeping on the couch instead of hovering around your bedroom all night like a bunch of pervs," Natasha speaks up. A snort follows after, as if it was a joke and not a statement. Definitely tipsy too, despite unwilling to admit such a weakness.

Steve raises a reprimanding eyebrow Natasha's way, telling her to shut her mouth with just his gaze. She smirks in answer.

"Don't listen to her. A fucking liar," Bucky remarks, but there's still some form of amusement in his expression. He can't even deny the statement—he is going to watch over you. Doesn't really matter if it's in the living room or in your bedroom. "Now let's get you up. C'mon."

With a push from your arms against the cold tile, you're standing on two legs again. Steve is hovering his hand near your back, ready to support if the vodka decides to topple you over. But you're fine—just tired now.

For ten minutes it feels things are back to normal again. On the living room couch, nestled in between them, your head leaning on Steve's shoulder as a stupid Hallmark Christmas movie plays on the tv. Sam and Natasha are in their rooms sleeping, and for a few moments you forget why you kept your distance. Everything would have been good if this is how the night would end. If Steve didn't have to address the past six months.

"I've missed this. With us," Steve whispers as he strokes your shoulder absentmindedly, like it's second nature to him to have his hands on your skin. "You've been so distant lately. For months, Y/n."

The room instantly becomes tense enough to make you nauseous. A clearing of your throat, an attempt to sit up out of Steve's hold and away from this conversation that you'd much rather avoid is futile—it's instantly stopped by Bucky's hand on your chest that pushes you right back.

"No," he says sternly. "You're gonna sit right here, sweetheart, and tell us why you've barely let us see you since fall term started. 'Cause it's sure as fuck not something I take lightly. Why have you avoided us?"

You look away, shaking your head to yourself as you try to talk yourself down. You will not break. You will not confess a single thing. You are going to act like everything is fine and you are not currently freaking out being sandwiched between the only two men you would gladly be sandwiched between under different circumstances than this.

"What are you even talking about?" you answer meekly. It's clear as soon as the words come out of your mouth that no one is falling for your innocent act, not even sweet, naive Steve. Then again, you're doing a particularly bad job. "Both of you think I've been distant?"

"Cut the bullshit, Y/n. If we've done something wrong, just say so." Bucky bites his cheek, glancing down for just a second, but it's enough to let his vulnerability slip. He's hurt.

A wave of guilt instantly washes over your body, an unusual feeling. During all these months of avoiding any interaction with Bucky and Steve besides the necessary ones, you didn't think that they'd actually mind your absence that much. They might not be hopelessly in love with you like you are with them, but they're still your friends. Friends miss each other.

"Or if it's something personal, you can tell us, you know? Is it anxiety, or are you feeling generally low, or...?" Steve chips in, trying to drown out Bucky's accusatory tone.

"No, no...I'm not depressed, Steve. And none of you have done anything wrong, I promise," you say hastily, shutting down their concerns as quickly as possible while trying to buy yourself time to come up with an excuse. "I just...needed some alone time."

Bucky rolls his eyes, shaking his head. Sassy man. "Bullshit again. You've spent a bunch of time with Natasha. Sam, too. It's us you're avoiding." He points to himself and Steve with his hand. "It's been almost six months, Y/n. What the hell's your problem?" He pushes himself off the couch, standing up and blocking your view of the tv. It's as if his frustration is all contained while sitting down.

"Bucky," Steve scolds, glaring up at his friend. He's not appreciating the tone at all, that's for sure.

"There's no problem, Bucky," you tell him, shaking your head. Trying to dismiss this entire conversation before you reveal too much.

"No! Y/n, I'm going fucking crazy! This is the first time you've even let me touch you in half a year!" Bucky yells, a pleading tone in his voice that breaks your heart just a little. Because it's true. You have barely even hugged since June. You've barely talked for more than five minutes at a time.

"Don't yell at her, for god's sake, Bucky," Steve adds, his hands on your shoulders and ready to get up from the couch any second.

"What the hell's going on with you, huh?!" Bucky continues, ignoring Steve's statement. His eyes are solely focused on you, void of the usual softness. There's just anger. "Cause if you can't stand us, then tough fucking luck. I can have your fucking things moved out by tomorrow for all I care. Can move right into Walker's dorm. Bet he'd accept you with open fucking arms if you get to your knees and—“

The drop of your heart down to your stomach can almost be heard, an echoing, hollow sound. You're sure of it. Bucky shuts his mouth, as if he realizes what exactly was about to come out of it. What is not even a second of silence feels like a whole minute, before Steve shoots up from his seat beside you and grabs Bucky by the collar, rattling the whole room with the force in which he nearly tackles Bucky against the wall with. The tangy taste of iron starts to fill your mouth, your teeth biting down on your lip hard enough to draw blood. There's tears lingering in your eyes but you can't hold them back, not anymore.

"You don't fucking talk to her like that, you bast—"

"I love you! It’s ‘cause I fucking love you guys!” you yell, a pathetic sob marring the words. “So I’m fucking sorry that I’ve avoided you two but I’m trying to get over these goddamn—these feelings, but I can’t, okay! I can’t!”

The bitter delivery is punctuated by the sleeve of your sweater wiping away the tears furiously, cutting Steve off and drawing both of their wild eyes towards your figure now standing up, just a minute away from a complete breakdown. You don't even process the fact that Steve cursed. It would've been teased about endlessly in any other situation.

"I will go. I'll leave if that's what you want," you seethe with a voice so unsteady that it's almost unbearable to listen to. "But I don’t hate any of you. I don’t, and I get why you’re mad. But fuck you, Bucky. Fuck you for saying that.”

More tears fall. It's futile to wipe them away when they'll be replaced the second after. You want to say more, hit Bucky where it hurts, but you cannot get the goddamn words to form on your lips. Opening your mouth and closing it again, shaking your head, comes before hastily walking towards your room and locking yourself inside without giving them a chance to answer.

As soon as the door is slammed shut, your hand comes up to your mouth to muffle the sobs. Sinking down to the floor as if you’re in a movie, forehead resting against your knees. The rate of your heartbeats could be considered dangerously high, but you just blurted out a whole love confession for two of your roommates in the midst of a fight. How the hell could everything turn to shit so quickly? Half an hour ago all of you were joking around in the bathroom, and now you're not sure you have the courage to face any of them again.

It's a rash, impulsive decision fueled by anger and betrayal and shame, but you rush over to your closet and pull out an overnight bag that's soon filled to the brim with enough things to last you a few days. You're crying the entire time.

When you pass the living room again, Bucky isn't there anymore. But Steve is. Barely a glance his way is spared, with hasty steps heading towards the hallway. You remind yourself of a furious toddler when you angrily put on your jacket, stick your feet into your winter boots. The bag is slung over your shoulder, hand resting on the door handle.

"Don't go. Y/n, please don't leave."

Steve stands at the other side of the hallway, a broken down expression on his pretty face.

"Bucky went out of line, but he didn't mean it, I swear. He's just too prideful to admit it," he continues. You shake your head, biting down on your bottom lip. "Please, honey. It’s Christmas Eve. It won’t be the same if you’re not here tomorrow.”

"I just need some space," you whisper, brushing away a stray tear with the sleeve of your jacket. You’re so embarrassed and hurt that you can barely look him in the eye. "I can't be in the same apartment as him right now."

Steve sighs, looking about ready to just throw you over his shoulder to get you to stay. But he won't do that. That's not Steve. So instead he glances down to the floor, shaking his head to himself.

“Did you mean it?” he asks softly. “The thing about—you said you loved us. Did you mean it?”

It takes a few seconds before you nod tentatively, sniffling and keeping your gaze on a spot past Steve. He doesn’t say anything.

Steve gathers courage enough to walk up to where you stand by the door, grabbing your cheeks with his hands, thumb running over the tear-stained skin gently. For a few moments, he just looks at you. Loud thoughts running amok in that perfect head of his.

“Nothing I say right now will do my feelings any justice, so I’m gonna save any big speeches for tomorrow. But just…stay. It’s 2 am, it’s freezing out and you’re still drunk. I don’t want you out there on the streets alone. I need you to stay, even if it’s only for your own safety. Don’t have to talk to any of us if you don’t want to.”

His words makes you nod automatically. All it took was his hands on your skin and the flicker of hope his words ignite in your chest, and you conceded within a second. No hesitation left in that exhausted body of yours. He‘s not saying outright that your feelings are requited, but it doesn’t feel like a rejection either. He doesn’t seem disgusted by your confession, by the knowledge that you’re in love with both him and his best friend.

“Good girl. Let’s just—let’s get you to bed, okay?”Steve tells you, squeezing your shoulder gently. With your confirmation in form of another silent nod, he nestles the bag out of your grip and takes off the jacket from your torso.

The bed feels so soft and warm and comforting when you lie down. Steve tucks you in. It’s achingly sweet and you don’t really deserve it after avoiding him and Bucky like that for so long, but he looks out for you nonetheless.

“Steve,” you whisper, drawing his gaze up to meet yours. “I’m sorry. For being so distant.”

He shakes his head. “You have nothing to be sorry for. You were scared,” Steve answers. “Don’t worry about anything, okay? Get some sleep. You’ve had a tough night, Y/n.”

The softest of smiles grazes your lips, puppy eyes gazing up at Steve. Your wonderful, caring, perfect Steve.

“Are you alright? It must’ve been hard meeting Joshua again. And what Bucky said, it…it was far from okay.”

“I will be,” you whisper.

He nods, observes your face for a few seconds. Leans down to press a kiss to your forehead—what kind of college guy even does that? And then he leaves the room, turning the light off behind him.

You’re woken up by a red headed, crazy woman sitting on top of you over the sheets, shaking your shoulders.

“Wake up, fuckhead. You’re gonna open the presents I got you,” Natasha urges, grinning down at you as you blink your eyes open, groaning.

“Fuckhead?” you ask, a tired chuckle from your lips as Natasha climbs off the bed.

“Yes. Don’t like it, huh?” she teases. “C’mon. The guys are already waiting.”

With slow steps and a loud yawn, the slightest trace of a hangover plaguing your body, you drag yourself out into the living room. Around the ugly, little tree that Sam insisted on cutting down from the campus gardens last week (he almost got arrested by the security guards) the three boys sit. Your gaze falls to the floor, scratching the skin right above your lip nervously, once Bucky looks up at you. Can’t really read his expression, but you figure you’ll lay the fight aside for the day. It’s Christmas, after all.

“Merry Christmas, sweetheart,” Steve says, urging you to sit down next to him right there on the carpet. You offer a soft smile, and an even softer ‘Merry Christmas’ back. You’re still unsure about yesterday. Despite there being no rejection from either of them, the uncertainty is kind of killing you. A pit of anxiety rests in your stomach, an uneasy feeling corrupting every cell as you sit down on the floor next to Steve.

Not even ten minutes later, the living room is drowning in a sea of wrapping paper. Natasha went overboard with the gift shopping this year, it seems like, but her absent father is also some kind of Russian oligarch or something so she tends to use up as much of his money as she can. You’re not complaining.

The special edition of The Hobbit, signed by the director of the movie, that you managed to get on eBay and cost you a fucking fortune is received with a whispered ‘thank you’ from Bucky. He holds it in his hands tightly, staring down at the book without a word, and you don’t know if he’s happy for it. Maybe he’s not happy with anything touched by you at this moment. He hasn’t gotten you a gift, it seems like, or maybe he threw it in the trash and burned it yesterday.

Steve got you three books that he’d heard you say you wanted months ago, and a dainty silver necklace with a bee pendant hanging from it. “You know, uh, I usually call you ‘honey’ and I thought it was a little funny, maybe. But I can exchange it if you don’t like it. It’s no problem,” he had said, even though there were tears of gratitude in your eyes. Your arms were thrown around him a second later, hugging him tightly as you thanked him profusely for the most thoughtful gift.

Now you’re leaning your back against the couch, still on the floor, watching as Sam and Natasha are tinkering with his new Nintendo Switch that he got from her (overboard with the gifts, as previously mentioned). He’s so happy it almost makes you zoned out as you watch his childlike excitement. It’s nice to see the two of them so calm and sweet with each other too. Usually bickering and getting on each other’s nerves all the time otherwise.

“Y/n, can we talk?”

Your head tilts back, looking up at Bucky standing nervously in front of you, his hand rubbing the back of his neck. There’s a deep hesitation within you, a pride that wants to say no and remain in your angry state forever without confrontation. But it’s Bucky. You hate this animosity between the two of you, the tension. Despite being pissed off and hurt and afraid that he doesn’t want you, you can’t say no, so you nod and push yourself up to a stand.

Bucky closes the door to his room behind him gently, clearing his throat and looking at anything but you. A sigh comes out of his mouth, shaking his head, before he parts his lips to speak.

“I’m so sorry, Y/n. What I said was disgusting and unforgivable and so fucking out of line. You didn’t deserve that at all. So out of proportion to what I was mad at you for,” Bucky says, running the palm of his calloused hand over his face.

“It was,” you answer honestly. There’s no use in denying that what Bucky said was stupidly hurtful. He nods, looking away from your gaze.

“It made me angry thinking that you ignored me, because at first I didn’t know what I had done, you know? And then I thought for a few months that me and Steve had been too overbearing and that you tried to keep your distance because you thought we were annoying or something. But that’s not the case. I should’ve known better by now than to think that you would do anything to purposely hurt us.”

You gulp, nodding, looking down to the floor. “I’m sorry too,” you whisper. “I didn’t know that you guys thought I had something against you until last night. Obviously, you…you know now that’s not the case,” you tell him, embracing yourself with your arms. “But last night, Bucky, I…you hurt me. I know you were angry, but saying those kind of things isn’t okay.”

“I know that. God, I know, Y/n. I’m so sorry. It was fucking childish of me, retorting to saying that Jo—“ Bucky shakes his head, hands coming up to tug at the roots of his hair. “And it felt stupid giving you that present in front of everyone, so now you think I didn’t get you anything, too, and—“

“You got me a present?”

“Yes. Of course I did, Y/n. But I saw how much Natasha had bought and that necklace Steve gave you and my gift felt stupid in comparison to that. Just didn’t want to give it to you in front of everyone,” he says, a little awkwardly. A little boy giving his mother a drawing he made in kindergarten, he reminds you of.

“Bucky…that doesn’t matter. I don’t care what you have gotten me. I’ll like it no matter what if it’s from you.”

He shifts in his place, contemplating something, before picking up a sweater on his bed, revealing a wrapped present hidden underneath. Bucky took the gift from the pile without anyone noticing before, throwing it into his room so no one would see.

With a tentative hand, he reaches it out to you. Doesn’t watch as you unwrap it, instead biting on his thumbnail. You reprimand him for it, and the hand returns to his side.

“Is it a book?” You run your fingers over the cover, a hardcover with nothing on it. Blank.

“It’s a photo album. Shit, it’s stupid. I don’t know,” Bucky answers, looking about ready to snatch it back, but you open the first page up before he has a chance to.

A picture of you, Natasha, Sam and Steve on the first page. It was taken last year in November. You’re all running after one of Sam’s model planes, fall leaves singling down from the sky. It’s a beautiful picture.

“4 grown idiots running after a kid’s toy - November 12th, 2022”

“It’s just pics I’ve taken with my phone, so it’s nothing artsy or anything, but…uhm.” Bucky runs his hand through his short, brown hair.

You flip the page. You’re looking out through the kitchen window, the sun shining through and casting shadows over the room and your figure curled up on the chair.

“Angel in the sun - March 25th, 2023”

A soft chuckle is drawn from your lips, resisting the urge to run your finger over the photo, but you don’t want to smudge the blank paper. On the same page there’s another picture of you with your arms around Natasha’s shoulders, nearly wrestling her to the ground with the force of your hug. You look so happy.

Bucky looks nervous as you glance up from the photo album at him. “Know it’s not much, but…yeah.”

A loud huff of hair escapes Bucky as you throw your arms around him. It takes a second or two for him to hug you back, but he soon has his chin resting on top of your head, arms around your waist.

“I love it,” you whisper, holding onto him tightly enough to constrict his breathing.

“You do? I can take it back if you don’t like it.”

Your grip around him releases, arms coming down to your sides so you can take a step back and look him in the eyes. “This is everything, Bucky,” you say softly, feeling a lump in your throat that can turn into tears any second. “The fact that you took the time to make this for me is just…it’s the most thoughtful thing ever. And these pictures are so beautiful, Bucky, and just the thought of you sitting down and glueing them onto the page and writing captions and—“

His lips against yours. Oh god. Oh my god, Bucky has his lips pressed against yours. Gentle hands hold your jaw, his head leaning down to compensate for the height difference, and Bucky Barnes is kissing you with urgency and desperation.

The shock is enough to make you unable to return the kiss. He seems to take your surprise as rejection despite the fact that you literally yelled ‘I love you’ in his face last night. Bucky steps away and takes his hands off your skin, running his hand over his mouth, shaking his head.

“I’m so sorry, don’t know what the hell came over me, I—“

On your tiptoes, fingers grabbing his sweatshirt to pull him closer, and you nearly smash your lips against his to shut up any of that doubt he carries. It’s not a graceful or very romantic kiss, but by the sound akin to a very mild growl that comes from Bucky and his hands sliding down to your waist to pull you closer, you guess he likes it anyway.

It doesn’t last more than 20 seconds. A harsh knock on the door to Bucky’s room interrupts it, forcing you part from his lips and get down from your tiptoes again.

“What the hell are you doing in there? C’mon! I’ve made goddamn Christmas brunch!” Sam yells, drawing a soft chuckle from your lips as your forehead meets Bucky’s chest.

With a soft smile, nothing said, you back away from Bucky. Slipping out of his room and leaving him there all flustered and semi-hard from a 20 second make-out session. The first ever between you, though. He thinks it’s pretty understandable.

As Bucky follows you into the kitchen, sitting down at the table by Steve, he leans towards his best friend and whispers into his ear low enough to make anyone else unable to hear.

“I kissed her, Stevie,” Bucky says with a shit eating grin on his face. “I finally fucking kissed her.”

The blond man turns his head enough to look over at Bucky, the red flush of his cheeks and ears enough to tell anyone what’s been said.

“Are you serious?” Steve asks.

“I kissed her and she kissed me back, I swear. I gave her that photo album I’ve worked on for weeks. She said she loved it, Steve.”

“I guess it’s my turn then, isn’t it?” Steve answers, a shy smile on his lips as the two of them watch you sit down opposite of them at the table, glancing through the window out at the heavy snowfall. Natasha puts a newly toasted bagel on your plate.

“Go get our girl, Stevie.”

[furiousgoldfish]

My parents have always told everyone that I'm unstable, dangerous, and troubled. I used to lash out in retaliation when they would abuse me and they told everyone about what I did without giving context and turned people against me and got them to perpetuate the abuse too because they thought I "deserved it." Sometimes they just told straight up lies. They even lied to psychiatrists and got them to diagnose me with "oppositional defiant disorder" and I was sent to a school for "troubled teens."

Everyone around me knows me as the angry, unstable, mentally ill one, even though I've never acted in such a way anywhere else- not at school, not at work, not with friends or other family members. I have no problems getting along with other people and I almost never lash out, even when I'm upset.

But even though people have no proof I'm actually like that, they believe everything my parents say. I'm trying my hardest to prove people wrong, but it doesn't matter what I do. My parents have completely ruined my reputation and turned everyone around me (except my best friend) into their flying monkeys.

Are there any magic words to get people to stop believing everything they say with no proof??

Lashing out in retaliation when you're abused is such a normal and healthy thing to do! Even an animal would bite you and attack you if you're abusing them, how could anyone expect a human being to just stand there and take it, it's absolutely ridiculous. However it seems that what your parents wanted was to convince you that you should do exactly that, not defend yourself, not fight back, not retaliate, and if you do, you're dangerous and unstable. It's very clear they wanted you to be without any defense, without being able to even stand up to them – which, how sick is that? It's not enough for them to be able to abuse a child, but the child should not be able to even defend or fight back? It's sick and disturbing, and shows how dangerous and unstable they are.

Telling people about you defending yourself, and even getting you falsely diagnosed, sounds like a horrible smear campaign and setting you up to not be believed, respected or trusted, so you'd have nobody to tell about abuse who would believe you or side with you. It's another awful thing abusers do to kids in order to keep them in abuse, unable to escape or get help.

I don't think there's a way to stop people from being flying monkeys, especially if they're so gullible to believe abusive parents on their word. I never managed it anyway, every person my parents managed to manipulate to their side, would not change their mind whatever I told them. I had to cut all of these people off and find a new environment where nobody knew of my parents or anything they lied about me, and then people treated me normally.

I guess in theory, you could ask people 'hey why do you believe I'm unstable and dangerous, have you ever seen me act in such ways?' and when they go 'your parents said you did x' you could tell them 'but did they tell you why I did that, and what they did to me first?'. But in practice, I can see how this could be dangerous as people are likely to believe you're lying, and side with your parents anyway, or even tell them that you outed  their abuse, putting you in even more danger. So yeah it's just not looking good.

I'm sorry that all I can do is tell you that your situation is serious and nobody could find an easy solution. I did so many insane things to retaliate to my parents abuse, it's normal to do that! And they also reacted as if I'm insane and dangerous, and shamed me for it, and failed to see how they're insane and dangerous for hurting a child and evoking that kind of reaction in the first place. You are not to blame, all you did was be a child. Anyone would have retaliated. I'm so sorry your parents are trying to destroy your any hope of having a social circle, it's devastating. I hope one day you're free from all of this.

[igotanidea]

chapter 1 : Another privateer: Nikolai Lantsov x fem!reader

A/N: I'm having so much fun writing this. So much that chapter 2 may be coming faster than expected 😊 😊 😊

CHAPTER 1 : ORIGINS

Y/N Y/L/N was a Grisha. An Inferni, to be precise. Raised in the small palace but never adjusting properly to the royal life. She was not like Zoya, proud, confident and more queen-like than an actual queen. She was not like Genya, careful, gentle and quiet (even if that came with a bit of cunning). Or like Nadya with all her positive attitude and calmness.

No.

Y/N was someone you would call a trouble maker.

More often than not her kefta was disheveled, torn or dirtied, her hair messy, her face reddened, eyes glistening. She was the kid who was running through the palace corridors, fooling around, teasing and playing pranks on everyone else. Not listening to her Inferni teachers, skipping classes and causing havoc. All those rules and limitations that she was so swiftly finagling were boring and confining and she could not deal with them. She did not want to deal with them. She did not want to relent.

However, such vivid expression of emotions and god, forbid – fun -was unacceptable.

Especially from a kid.

Especially from an Inferni, who dealt with the most dangerous and unpredictable element.

And especially from a legacy as her father used to call her, even if the sound of the word made her sick to the stomach. Much to her resentment Y/N came from a long line of merited, noble house and what was expected of her had little to do with joy. Her father was the personal advisor of the king so her family was always close to the royals and that meant attending banquets, balls, playing the role of someone she was not. And someone who she did not wish to be. A lady.

She had obligations, duties and strict agenda and it was weighting her down.

“Sit still!” her mother scoffed her during another preparation for another royal dinner. “You have to act like a girl and look like one, not a tatterdemalion.”

She never complied with any rules.

One day, when it all became too much, she used her skills to set the curtains in one of the classes on fire and run away from, as far as possible. And that’s how she found herself in the presence of second son, prince Nikolai Lantsov. Of course she knew who he was when full of anger, with fierce face expression run into the forest surrounding the palace, ready to burn it to the ground. Of course she remembered that a prince should be treated with respect. She clearly recollected all the bow in his presence, act coy and cautiously, be gentle….. Saints! Even the memory made her roll her eyes and she could not care less. As for the prince he took one glance at her messy figure and literal fire in her eyes made him gasp in awe on the inside and smirk characteristically on the outside. He remembered that girl.

“Hard day?”

“You have no idea.” She muttered flopping onto the ground with a heavy groan.

“I actually think I do. You know, I am the prince after all.” Silent emphasis on the title did not slip by her.

“Oh I’m sorry, moi tsarevich.” She immediately jumped to her feet and bowed in the funniest way he had ever seen, almost tripping over her own feet “forgive me for my audacity. Will you grant me the honor of resting on the ground in your presence?”

“You’re something different, aren’t you?” he looked at her carefully with sparks in his eyes “not like the other Grishas here?”

“Whatever that may mean, I guess not.” She shrugged “Whatever, but my parents would probably disinherit me if they knew how I’m addressing the prince at the moment.”

“Good thing the prince appreciates your honest attitude.” He laughed whole-heartedly and all the tension in her shoulders disappeared just because of that sound. Apparently he was something else than what was presented to people as well.

“Does he?” she raised an eyebrow “I thought him to be the one greedy for blarney and cocky.”

“Can you blame me? I mean look at that handsome face.” Nikolai grinned and that earned him a chuckle from her “Someone’s feeling better, I see. I know, I know, my sense of humor is impeccable.”

“Cocky it is” she nodded to herself.

 “True, I don’t mind a good praise. But I’m bored with pretenses and restrictions. I can’t really do much of what I want in the palace and that is just…..”

“Infuriating?”  

“Yeah…..” He glanced at her once again but this time it was like he really saw her “I’m Nikolai. Not a prince, not a tsarevich, not a royal.”

“Bet you say that to all the girls you flirt.” Y/N spat, but deep inside started to wonder if he really was on a fist name basis with every girl Grisha in the palace. Given his direct approach to the matter that truly was something to wonder about. And it made her feel ….. weird. Saints! She barely met him and he managed to spark something with all the attention focused on her. Probably the first person she met who did not considered her a menace.

“Careful there.” he warned playfully “You got yourself in good terms with me and if you want to keep being yourself you’re gonna need someone to look after you. Guess that’s gonna be me.”

“Look after? Really? I’m not some stray cat who needs protecting. Besides, I’ve been doing fine till now.”

“How about the turn fine into amazing?” he smiled and she could not help reciprocating. “come on, look me in the face and tell me that does not sound promising.”

“I’m Y/N.” she laughed unable to do what he asked but not wishing to say it straight away “Want to make some mess?”

***

From that day they became friends, but kept it in secret, stealing all the little moments together. No one knew. For three years. And it all came out because of Zoya and her scheming.

***

There were probably better ways of meeting than sneaking out in the middle of night to that one spot in the forest, but both Y/N and Nikolai had some flair for dramatics. He was a prince trained in sword fights and combat and she was an Inferni, what was the worst thing that could have happened , right? Besides, the palace and adjoining grounds were a safe place, right?

“Nik! You came!” Y/n emerged from behind the trees immediately spotting her best buddy, already there, waiting for her. Honestly, she felt relieved when he showed up first. Nikolai has been acting strange for the last couple of weeks, avoiding her, defending himself with all the duties. Well, as if she didn’t have things to do! Between being Grisha and training and her obligations towards father and the crown, she really had to cut down on sleep and rest to tear time for him. But it was important. Maybe it was more important for her than for him. And all that’s been happening got her mind spinning and well, worrying.  

“Missed me that much?” he smirked observing her coming closer, her coat disheveled, hair messed, as usual since some things never changed, even after years.  

“Pf! You wish.”

“And what if I do?” that mocking expression disappeared from his face, replaced by seriousness and care.

“I bet you say that to all the girls…..” she laughed, trying her best to defuse the tension. Even though the Inferni were the Grishas who could not start a fire out of nothing, at that moment she swore she could make a flame from all the feelings inside.  

“No. No I don’t” he took her hand in his, caressing it gently and intertwining their fingers. Her small hand aligning so well with his.  

“What are you doing?” as much as she wanted to turn around and run away that simple gesture as holding hands got her absolutely frozen in place. Rooted to the ground.

“Dazzling you with my charm?” his other hand travelled up to cup her cheek.

“It doesn’t work on me.” She opposed, eyes widening in shock, breath hitched in anticipation of what was coming.

“Too bad.” he leaned forward, but before their lips met pulled away leaving her absolutely confused.

She frowned but the teasing smirk on his face told her everything she had to know.

“Told you” Y/N shrugged “it’s not working. Bet you know it as well since you backed down on your own.”

“I didn’t want to make you feel uncomfortable.” He spat back.

“Mhm. Sure. Whatever game you were playing here, tsarevich, you lost. Bet you don’t like that, do you?”

“How was your day, fireball? „he let go of her completely, sitting on the tree trunk and patting the spot next to him invitingly “Managed to fry any dummy of an opponent?”

“Many. But you know, the night is still young, I got a chance to add another one to the list.”

“Got your mind on anyone in particular?”

“Maybe. Not that it’s of your concern. How was your day, prince?” she was trying, but could not hide that annoyed tone and he knew well enough that if it came to calling him with official titles it was serious. Good. At least now he knew what feeling she was hiding inside. Not that he was going to take it easy on her. “did you managed to charm anyone? Your brother, perhaps?”

“Don’t even get me started on that…..”

***      

Ever since that almost-kiss in the forest something has changed between them and it was hard to determine whether it was a good or a bad shift. There was a lot more teasing than usual and that giving the fact, Nikolai were a natural at that. But now, when he saw her in the palace or in the ground or in the library he was always approaching her, commenting on her fighting skills and technique, even in the presence of other Grishas. On top of being known as the most unruly person in the Little Palace, now the rumors considering her relationship with prince has started. Oh, Nikolai just loved to make her life harder than it had to be and she had enough, ready to confront him and tell him off.

Right at the moment.

But when she ditched her Inferni practice (again) and was on her way to the royal wing of the palace, unexpected appearance of her father put her off the stride.

“Y/N” he smiled in a predatory manner, putting arm on her shoulders and walking her away from destination “I’ve got good news. Our family has been invited to the banquet. You included.”

“What? No. No way. I’m not….”

“You are going, I won’t hear a word about it. And you will behave.”

“but….” She squirmed. The grip on her was hard and hurt to the point when some tears showed in her eyes. And of course that was the moment Nikolai chose to show up. Just one glance at her face was enough for him to take action, she did not wish for.

“Lord f/l/n.” he spoke in the most royal tone he could.

“moi tsarevich.”

“Y/N” Nik turned his gaze on her, but she did not say and only another press on the shoulders made her mutter some sort of greeting “I think there’s no need to keep your daughter a prisoner, lord f/l/n. Whatever she may have done we have other sort of punishments in the palace.”

“Of course.” with such words she was able to breathe normally again “this one’s a challenge. Refused ‘to attend the …..”

“I know. “Nik smirked “but I really hope to see you tonight, Y/n”

“Tonight?! What do you mean tonight!?” she cried out “I need like a week of mental preparations for that!”

“No, you don’t” both men said in unison, each with different tone.

Yes, she was forced to attend.

to be continued

tags are open.

@pinksirensong - you're probably gonna kill me when you get back and see all the things I tagged you in ... ...

[father-imperator]

everything i wrote watching saltburn (2023)

watching saltburn is so weird when you're an lgbt poor kid with an alcoholic mother who goes to a private school and you're the only person in your academic circles who's there because you spent way too many hours doing tests and things rather than just paying.

oh em gee was that implying that he's hung???

EW EW EW EW EW YUCK. WHY ARE YOU EATING HIS CUM OUT THAT MOLDY FUCKIN BATH ANIME GIRL BATHWATER FR FR???

oh. yuck. she's on her period.

EW YUCK FARLEIGH IS WATCHING

what who was that with the blood and the water

no way they're doing a dress up party

HE DOESN'T KNOW HIS FOOTMEN'S NAMES

oh come on of course felix is an "i'm not racist" rich white boy

why is every single one of them so manipulative shut up felix shut up family shut up venetia

SHE DOESN'T KNOW HOW MANY KIDS SHE HAS

flirting with richard iii is so real

i hate farleigh but i am not annoyed about this development because i hate him significantly less that the rest of his family

oh nevermind! rent by the psb was cold.

yeah yeah yeah punching mirrors

disobedience, threats, violence, and anger (sexual style)

pamela DIED?

no no no he will never understand no one like him will ever understand you do not fucking take a kid like that to his parents house

what is going on is he not poor? is his dad not fucking dead? are his parents not addicts?

this movie is hurting my brain why did he lie? why? that's? what? maybe oliver is not just like me fr fr

farleigh and oliver are so. what. also, sidenote, people on coke are so weird.

WHAT HUH WBWT WHWT WBAT WAHT WBAT WBAT WHAT WBAT WHAT WBAT WHAT WHAT HE'S DEAD NO WHAT

the cinematography and the acting holy shit

farleigh and oliver really going for the throat huh

AHHHHHHHH THE IMAGERY OF LYING ABOVE SOMEONE'S GRAVE AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH SOBBING AHHHHHHHHHHH

oh my goodness at the party oliver was a deer because he was going to be hunted and felix was an angel because he was going to become one

oh oh ew keep your trousers on dude EW EW EW EW WHY ARE YOU FUCKING HIS GRAVE EW EW EW EW EW EW EW THIS IS NOT HOW WE MOURN NU UH

this is just so many levels of mindfuck what is wrong with every single person

NO WHY ARE YOU KISSING

OH MY FUCKING CHRIST SHE KILLED HERSELF

ew it's like he replaced felix yuck i hate this i hate this so much

i am not liking this

OH JAMES IS DEAD TOO THEY'RE DROPPING LIKE FLIES

oh fucking hell they've all been cleared out and now he gets it

OH NO NO NO WHAT HAPPENED TO HER

oh he's fucking insane

OH MT GOODNESS ACTUALLY OH MT GOODNESS THIS WAS ALL PLANNED OH OH OH I'M GOING TO THROW UP I GENUINELY FEEL SICK THIS IS VILE THIS IS AWFUL THIS IS SO HORRIBLE

ew ew stop back away ew ew ew no no no no no no no stop oh christ he's killed them all oh christ oh i hate this this is just so many levels of horrible

STOP HANGING OUT IN THE ROOM WITH HER BODY

oh shit he spared farleigh by telling sir james about the coke!!!

no stop dancing put ur dick away

okay. i finished. worst movie i've ever seen, it was absolutely brilliant and i will never ever watch it again in my life. i have cried once, gagged eight times, audibly gasped 21 times.

[miraculouslbcnreactions]

Tell me, do you think Amelie shows any of the signs of a woman who was mistreated by her husband, or at least do you think she did before season 5?

That is really, really, really not something you can tell just from a few casual encounters with a person, especially since we didn't meet her until after Colt was dead and we never saw her in another romantic relationship. Every victim will act differently and have different triggers. I have no doubt I could find Amelie's perfect match among real victims because there is no set pattern of behavior they're required to follow to be real victims.

All that being said, I think this ask may just be poorly phrased, so I'm gonna talk about the general way the abuse was handled by the story, which was not great.

As I talk about this more, please remember that we are discussing characters in a story and not real people. I would never be this critical of a real person because a real person is not a piece in an ongoing narrative. A friend revealing that they were abused without any prior indication of this fact is perfectly normal as victims are often very good at masking their symptoms. A character doing the same is often bad writing as stories allow you to get inside people's heads, to see people in private moments, or even just when no one else is looking at them. If the writers never take a moment to use those kinds of tricks to set up a big reveal like an abusive parent, then the reveal comes off like something the writers made up at the last minute, which is bad writing.

So, if you're asking if the show set up the reveal well, then no, I don't think it did as nothing we see in the show would make you guess that something was off about Colt. Like you could argue that it makes Amelie's overprotective and indulgent nature make sense, but lots of people spoil their kids without going through abuse, so that behavior didn't need to be explained. It was perfectly logical as-is.

You could also argue that the abuse explains why Felix is a bully, but plenty of people are awful to others without ever going through some sort of trauma. Felix being a bully could have just as easily have been the result of a pampered upbringing where he was given everything he wanted.

Colt's reveal can be argued to recontextualizes Amelie and Felix's behavior, but that's about it. It doesn't take questionable behavior and make it suddenly make sense. Like I'm still baffled as to why Felix did all the crap he did in his titular episode because he was never cruel just to be cruel again, so what was going on there? Why the dramatic character shift in season four and five?

For the show to have actually set up the reveal of Colt's abuse, it would have needed a really blatant example of Amelie or Felix being triggered OR some sort of line that established that something was off about Colt or even just a line to establish that Felix changed after Colt's abuse started since it's implied that it only showed up after he realized he was sick/dying.

For a trigger, just look at how Marinette was written in Derision. That actually was a good example of PTSD (or at least, my second hand understanding of it). The reason why I'm so critical of that episode is because PTSD doesn't magically turn on and off like that. It's not the kind of thing that shows up for a single episode and then disappears. Marinette should have been having moments like that long before Derision AND long after it, especially since the show has written in a lot of moments that would have made for good times to trigger her and establish that something was off. She's been to that pool with Adrien before. She had Kim ask for her opinion on a present he's giving to another girl. She saw an image of Kim down on his knees with a gift.

Any or all of those should have drawn out some kind of negative, trauma-based reaction from her if the writers wanted us to believe that this fictional character who they have full control over has ongoing trauma. Unless the writers are really saying that all those questionable jokes were her being triggered and then just.... I hope I don't have to explain how utterly disgusting that is.

For an example of a line, they could have done something like having Adrien apologize for missing Colt's funeral only for Felix to say something about Colt not deserving to be mourned or really anything to indicate that he wasn't exactly sad that his father was gone. They could have also had Adrien comment on how much Felix had changed since they were kids and how he could never imagine his cousin being so cruel.

To be fair, they kinda do that one with Adrien initially dismissing Felix's behavior as being the result of his father's recent passing, but it's hard to tell if that means that Felix used to be kind or what. That's especially true because Adrien's been show to tolerate a lot of bad behavior and Felix is canonically made from jealous (Yes, I'm serious, this was a line in the play: His jealousy came to life). So Felix has probably always been jealous of Adrien and will probably always be a jealous person because I guess that's just what he was made to be?

Moving on!

I wanted to highlight that the writers do know how to do this kind of discussion-based setup, as we saw back in Frightningale:

Mayor Bourgeois: But sweetie, there's no way we can cancel the shoot now. Chloé: (pulling out her phone) I'm going to call Mom and tell her how all my dreams have been crushed! (feigns sorrow) Mayor Bourgeois: (stammers anxiously, then grabs Chloé's phone and starts punching in a phone number) Let's not disturb our beloved Queen for such a little matter; right, my little Princess?

Even if this line is kinda weird since Audrey probably wouldn't have even answered the phone.

Any time the writers actually commit to a plot point, they set it up in a way that a little kid could pick up on because of course they do! This is a show for little kids. I think the writers do genuinely want it to be entertaining for the intended audience.

This is why the Colt thing is so weird to me. It's a pretty freaking serious thing to add to your show out of nowhere and I have a sneaking suspicion that it's never going to be mentioned again, which is less than stellar writing. It very much feels like something the writers added to hand waved away Felix's bad behavior, but I'd argue that this is actually a terrible lesson to teach kids.

Being kind to those who have gone through trauma is always a good lesson to teach, but Felix has attempted to assault Ladybug, tried to malign his cousin's good name by impersonating him, and betrayed the entire world by empowering a terrorist even though he could - and should - have immediately gone to Ladybug and told her who the terrorist was. These are not minor faux pas and trauma is not an excuse to traumatize others, otherwise we'd end up with a world full of traumatized people doing whatever they wanted because trauma!

There is a lot of nuance to this topic, but at the very least, Felix needed to do some serious apologizing to make his redemption feel earned. We should not be teaching kids that a sob story is all it takes to justify the kind of shit Felix pulled as that would mean that Gabriel and Chloe's actions were also fully justified because trauma! Might as well lump Lila in there, too, because I'm pretty sure that she's an orphan? Whatever is going on with her backstory is nothing good and we really need to be seeing some clearer messaging around who gets redeemed and why. It's why I've reblogged so many posts about Felix and Chloe being near identical in their actions. The issues is not that Chloe needs to be redeemed. The issue is that there is no reason why she wasn't and Felix was. There is nothing a child can point to in order to understand who you should give a second chance to and who you should run away from for your own mental health.

[shrinkthisviolet]

1, 7, 8, 9, 19, 21 for Star Wars for the ask game please?

1: the character everyone gets wrong

Luke Skywalker. Everyone writes him as naïve and happy-go-lucky, but like…no?? Even in ANH, he’s snarky and impatient, and he develops throughout the OT into a badass who suffers no fools. Yes, he’s kind and generous towards his loved ones, and he’s very friendly, there’s no doubt about that, but like?? Writing him as an innocent ball of sunshine who can do no harm is just wrong. Luke is kind, but he’s not naïve—he knows fully well what Vader has done and how evil he is, he just also knows, has felt, that there’s good deep down in Vader. He believes when no one else does because he knows he can get through to Vader and change his heart, and he’s right!!

7: what character did you begin to hate not because of canon but because how how the fandom acts about them?

Kylo Ren. The way some parts of fandom used to (probably still do, but I wouldn’t know) paint Han and Leia as abusive/awful parents and make Kylo the perpetual victim who was forced into every decision he made…as if he wasn’t like 23 when he destroyed(?) the Jedi Academy* and joined Snoke, as if every decision after that wasn’t his own decision—like, come on guys.

*I know there’s a comic that said apparently a lightning storm caused the fire that destroyed the Academy? But Wookieepedia said he’s the one who summoned the storm in the first place, so 🤷‍♀️ who knows. In any case, the distinction is irrelevant to my point

8: common fandom opinion that everyone is wrong about

Anidala isn’t abusive, and I’m sick of people saying that.

“Oh but he choked her!!” Yes, that’s what happens when you fall to the Dark Side and your good traits are twisted/corrupted. You act in ways that are not like you! This is how the Dark Side works (despite what some Star Wars media would have you believe, the Dark Side corrupts, it’s not freeing. It’s an illusion of freedom, but it’s just a trap)

“Oh but Anakin forced her into it!” Nope! He confessed to her, and she turned him down initially, but she made the first move, and there’s no indication that she was forced into marriage.

You don’t have to like them, but saying they’re toxic/abusive is incorrect and I’m tired of seeing that take.

On that note, everyone attributes Vader’s salvation to Luke, and says he’s the person who always believed in Vader…but don’t forget that Padmé did first!! Padmé was the first one to always believe in Anakin, even after the worst had happened, because that’s how strong their love is! Because Anidala was true love!

9: worst part of canon

If not for the sequels, the Luke/Leia kiss would be here. I still hate that so much.

Taking the sequels into account though…the Rey/Kylo kiss. Absolutely awful. Putting aside the fact that I don’t like the ship, there isn’t really much development for this as a ship. Sure, there are some hints of chemistry here and there (mostly in TLJ with Rey slowly developing an interest in redeeming him), but they’re far outweighed by: Kylo kidnapping and torturing Rey, Rey trying to kill Kylo, Rey metaphorically closing the door on Kylo at the end of TLJ, and Rey killing Kylo in TROS and only undoing it because she felt Leia die.

Rey appears to have a change of heart about Kylo in TLJ, but that’s very clearly undone when he refuses to turn back to the Light Side (again, she metaphorically/telepathically slams the door on him)! And she literally kills him in TROS and only undoes it for his mom’s sake! And yet suddenly in the final scene she’s calling him “Ben” and putting her trust in him?? Nope. Not buying it. If I did ship this, I’d be very disappointed about how it was handled, because that’s just sad

19: you're mad/ashamed/horrified you actually kind of like…

I'm intrigued by Vaderdala as a concept 😅 not in a genuine healthy relationship way, I think that bridge is burned post-ROTS, but I find the idea of them in a Padmé Lives AU very intriguing. Vader ofc would still harbor feelings for Padmé, and deep down, she would too (she does canonically believe in his goodness), but her loyalty would be first and foremost to the Rebellion and her kids…but also those feelings keep drawing her back to Vaderkin, because a not-so-small part of her wants to redeem him and get her husband back. And he, ofc, wants her by his side as his Empress. It’s just fascinating to me imo

21: part of canon you think is overhyped

ROTS. Listen, listen, I love it too, okay? I love all 3 of the prequels in their own ways. But…even people who hate the prequels claim ROTS is “the good one”, and I just…don’t get it? What exactly makes ROTS sooo much better than the other two? It’s not like ROTS is a perfect movie by any means, it has flaws too, just like TPM and AOTC do. It even has a similar tone. People seem to love it because it’s the moment of Anakin’s descent into Vader, and believe me, I love it too, but…some people love it disingenuously, I feel. One of its big flaws is the lack of Padmé scenes in it, with them all being deleted, so the fact that it’s the most loved of the prequels despite having the least amount of Padmé in it is…weird, ngl

And yes, I know people have complained about those scenes being deleted, this is a common complaint, but that doesn’t seem to have dulled the general consensus that this movie is (one of) The Best Ever.

(On that note though, if you haven’t read the ROTS novelization, please do, it’s absolutely amazing and tbh I’m enjoying it more than the movies, simply because it has more space to expand on certain characters and what they’re thinking, and thus expand on certain scenes. AND it adds the Padmé deleted scenes back!!)

choose violence ask game!

[randomgentlefolk]

CPC CHAPTER 161 + 162 + 163

*rises from the dead* what...what year is this...?

Look, the only thing I can say as an opening to these chapters is DAMN

Okay yeah Lorena would say this lmao.

Nahh I'm guessing Prez in her spider form does not know about Whitney apologizing and all? Because she's mainly looking at Whitney, and it looks like she took a moment to recognize who he is.

Man, Whitney really hasn't forgive himself. But at the same time I can't really blame him, y'know? I think I would have a hard time forgiving myself either if I was in his position. But! I do hope he can forgive himself and improve himself more and more. His past may be bad, but I'm sure he's looking up to a better future.

CURTIS TO THE RESCUE!!

Dang that's one way to open a big ahh door lmao XD

OH HECK NAH I HOPE MOLLY WILL BE ALRIGHT. The blood coming out of her mouth is worrying me...

Finally!! The Pastel Princesses are showing their powers! May I say Lorena's weapons are SICK. THE THORNY VINES AROUND COLONEL SNUGGLES?? SUZIE'S SWORD?? LORENA'S UHH... KUSARIGAMA?? I'm not sure what lorena's weapon is, but it reminds me of Michaelangelo's weapon from tmnt 2012.

Maria calling her animal troop HECK YEAH. The animals attacking Leland is so satisfying. Leland is lucky Maria didn't call a tiger or smth.

OH GOODNESS GRACIOUS HECK NO. Ugh I can imagine the cracking sound from Aurelia's leg. Y'know i didn't expect this ship (whether romantic or platonic) was gonna happen, but i'm not unwelcome to it.

Dangg Frederick, you go gymnastic king XD

Hah! His chanting actually made me smile XD yes frederick, you are the tiniest prince....you are the tiniest prin–

YOOOOOOO Leelathae's portrait???? I am really convinced now that Leelathae is in Gwen's dream!! I hope she's going to protect Gwen from Leland somehow, but i'm sure now that she will help realize who Gwen's true love is. Which, I'm fairly sure by now, is Gwen herself. I mean, it fits with the theme of the comic soooo

With the mix of modern and traditional technologies in cpc, i do now wonder why they don't build an elevator inside castles considering the amount of floors there are. I'm thinking...Steampunk styled elevator?

•●•

INTOOOOO LEELATHAE'S BACKSTORY!!

-> Sheesh! Leelathae's reflection is getting worse and worse... Perhaps it's because she doesn't love herself because of herself anymore? Well now that that's in mind, Gwen is kind of repeating history.

I just wanna say I love how Jack is gonna make the wedding fits both his and Leelathae's liking. I know that is an average kindess act for marriage but it's still pretty heartwarming for me.

Ngl I'm curious what Leland and Isolde's wedding was like. I hope we'll get at least a picture!

Aw, this interaction is adorable. Look at how Isolde is smiling! I hope we will get her smiling like this in the present time..

WOAH WOAH WOAH. I mean, I was sure Jack would eventually confront his parents, but dang. Actually, it makes sense how Helena and Jesse starts seeing their reflection wrong too. I think with how much they talk about their beauty, they don't love their inner self (their personality) and instead too focused on their outward beauty. So I'm guessing here that what triggers the reflection problem on people, is personal hurtful words? First with Gwen, Frederick calling her ugly. Leelathae, Helena and Jesse calling her ugly. And now with Helena and Jesse, Jack called them hideous.

But y'know what? I am so glad Jack confronted his parents. It feels SO good. He loves Leelathae so much, it's so heartwarming.

So happy that Helena and Jesse are running away on their own. Let's hope they never come back...

....huh.

I genuinely dunno how to feel about flashback Leland now. Is he being genuine? I don't know. But it's nice that he's at least trying to comfort Jack. Too bad he regrets it now tho lmao XD sucks to be you Leland hahahah.

Since Leland is comforting Jack...Um, Isolde and Leelathae moment? Lambcat? I really wanna see them just having conversation together because last time Isolde thought Leelathae was stealing her food xd

Leelathae's wedding dress!! It matches Gwen's!!! I guess Leland really remembered that lmao. Damn Leland crying and Isolde just stared with concern XD (i would've added Gwen's wedding dress photo but Tumblr's max pictures :( )

Okay can we talk about how majestic Jack's hair is??? Like dang pop off king. Now I know why Maria's hair is so beautiful.

It's sweet how Jack would do anything to Leelathae aww.

Uh, yeah, no, I am not going to talk about that uhh "diagram" the doctor gave to Leelathae. Nope. Nu uh.

•●•

Back to the present let's gooooo!!

A for effort, Miss Agatha. A for effort....

HAHAH GOOD LUCK LELAND GOOD LUCK LMAO. I nearly forgot about the thorns covering Gwen. Honestly I wonder how no one from the Plaid kingdom (beside Frederick, Leopold and iirc Isolde who already knew) questions about the fact that she has not got woken up from a literal war that's happening in her palace.

Hah! I live for Frederick and Aurelia bickering. I especially love how Frederick is being argumentative. Usually he can be pretty uh..pushover? Actually the correct words would be he doesn't have any moment to stand up for himself :')

Yep! Confirmed once again! Leland is the serpent!

YOU GO CURTIS!! HECK YEA!!

Jamie is a mood with that speech. And the fact that he has not only 1, but 2 ultimate flashbang??? DAMN JAMIE.

Ohoho what am I sensing here? What did you write Leopold?? I can hear the Leomie shippers screaming right now lol.

HECK NO??? WTF DO U MEAN YOU'RE GONNA CRUSH HER??? NO NO NO????

LANCE!!! MY BOY!!! I LOVE HIM!!! LANCE!!!

Okay those are ALL of the chapters lmao that was long! Uh, what have I been doing to the point I post 3 chapters late? Ahaha....u see... i actually have not excuse. I apologize.

That's all for now!!

Mono out! (But still in to hear your thought)

[cordycepsfem]

Pageboy Readthrough, Part Nine

Previously

your reviewer digresses into why this book isn't good (beyond the absolute drowning sadness and every single human who failed EP from start to finish)

I am not on the New York Times bestseller list (or am I? you don't know)

EP plays a horrifically abused young woman in a film and it affects her deeply, leading to furthering her eating disorder

we learned about a handful of things that weigh approximately 84 pounds

EP auditions for Juno and gets the part

she becomes sexually involved with Olivia Thirlby

EP loves working on Juno and is happy

Now

Chapter Eleven

EP tells us that she didn't vomit from the age of eleven until the age of twenty-eight

this suitably impresses me, because as a medically interesting individual I have a lot of experience with nausea and vomiting

EP then goes on to tell us that just because she didn't vomit doesn't mean she didn't get sick in other ways

this does not impress me and is gross

EP writes this very insightful passage about gender dysphoria that I actually agree with

the part I blacked out was where she said she kept repeating "I want to be a ten-year-old boy" every time dysphoria swept over her, because I do not agree with that and find it extremely telling and sad

EP segues bizarrely from vomit to diarrhea to... soccer?... and then back to fights with her step-mother and her awful father

and then to a story about going to a cabin and I am once again whiplashed into the corner - didn't this start off with vomiting at the age of 28?

anyway, Canadian stuff:

well, really just beaver stuff, but it happened in Canada so I'm still right:

I want with everything in me to make several beaver jokes but I am a) very tired and b) confused and excited by the comparison of a beaver to the Babadook, so please make your own beaver jokes and meet me in the next dotted point whenever you're ready

EP's father and step-mother continue to be the worst; they call her "Skid Mark"

her father tells her they're just joking around and once again I would like someone to consider the difference between someone joking with you and someone joking about you

once again I would like to offer my own, better, nicer parents to EP

I have extolled my father's many virtues but my mother is also fantastic

EP then shoves us into a passage about Rollerblading

and I have to say that I would also vomit from this much whiplash

the Rollerblading passage takes a wild turn into a Rollerblading accident where EP tears something in her vagina

she is worried for years that something is wrong with her vagina

EP starts thinking about it again when she's dating a boy who she attempts to have sex with; she doesn't like it, so she assumes it's a physical thing rather than a "you're gay" thing

and once again your reviewer is like "Didn't we start out a party on the first page of this chapter where you were vomiting at the age of twenty-eight on the Fourth of July? I am now lost in the hinterlands sending up a flare for aid"

so EP goes to a gynecologist

the gynecologist tells her there is nothing wrong with her vagina

and also that she liked EP's performance in Hard Candy

and we NEVER GO BACK TO THE VOMITING THING

AT ALL

Jesus Christ, EP, what is this writing style because I both hate it and am impressed by it every.single.time

Chapter Twelve

EP is glad that Oscars season is almost over and she is glad

she wants to quit acting

she can't bear wearing "feminine" clothing or going out for super feminine roles

when asked why she can't just do her job as an actor and wear a costume:

as a fellow head-beater and self-injurer, I get it, EP

best to get out of a job that doesn't make you happy and isn't fulfilling your needs

it took me seven years but I eventually did it

I am still unsure why she couldn't figure out how to tell people she just wanted to wear pants

but as someone who took thirteen years to tell her mother she wanted long hair and to stop wearing dresses, maybe I am less unsure and just more of a very specific type of asshole

anyway

EP gets the role in Whip It, the film that convinced me I wanted to try roller derby

she actually learns to play roller derby, which is so cool

(it is the best of sports)

the woman EP was dating previously, Paula, moves out to LA to be her "assistant"

EP starts to get recognized more as Juno and this is hard on her relationship with her "assistant"

there is an amusing bit about how Paula's parents somehow had no idea EP was gay or that their daughter was gay

also EP is upset that "cis" people get lauded for playing trans and "queer" parts

there's a lovely bit here about roller derby:

I joined a roller derby team because I had no friends

the skating part didn't matter, I just wanted friends

(and sure, maybe to be cool like EP, who I had a major crush on)

but I got a whole lot of friends out of the thing and that was very definitely a "pocket of joy" in my life

and yes, there can be a lot of "intertwined queerness" but the majority of my team is still straight (I love them anyway)

I am going to be able to see them all for the first time in 5 months and I am so excited to see my crazy weird skating family

it is a sport that embraces female power

it makes me feel like my body is powerful

and as someone living with dysphoria and body dysmorphia that's huge

anyway

EP loves roller derby and she loves building a roller derby family with her castmates

they go to Michigan to film

fun fact: Michigan has the most roller derby teams than any other state in the US

second fun fact: I used to live there

third fun fact: I know a guy who played an extra in Whip It but I didn't learn that until after we met and that wasn't the reason why we met

fourth fun fact: I miss Michigan a lot

EP and Kristen Wiig make up a musical together that sounds absolutely hysterical

EP realizes stuff is absolutely fucked and goes to therapy

EP, light of my life for whom I would fight all kinds of Canadian step-mothers and shitty fathers, what in the nine heavens is a queer walk?

I mean I can guess the connotation but EP you are a lesbian and a human and speaking as both we all walk differently

so this is some sort of weird stereotype that I really don't care for

and on that note I must adjourn before I fall asleep here at the computer

[lottieurl]

HI me again i had a paper to write but i'm back actually talking about the lottie point i was originally going to write about before getting possessed by the urge to write mari nolastname analysis. but basically i was thinking about how passive lottie was throughout old wounds, something that has been talked about quite a bit already. i was sort of thinking about that in relation to what we see in lottie's flashback episode as well as what we see in the s2 premiere of like... lottie is always spoken for, she is silently resigned to other people telling her what these visions mean and whether they're good or bad, something to hide or something to listen to and indulge in. like the scene of lottie at the top of the stairs listening to her parents argue about what to do with her vs lottie watching silently as the group argues about her in the cabin vs lottie catatonic and letting her dad decide what to do with her post rescue like... not only is she never a voice in the conversation but these are also SUCH polarized messages she's getting like. there is something wrong with her she's sick but then she's a prophet and a god in those woods and then it's right back to there is something wrong with lottie we need to fix her. and then something about adult lottie and all her guilt about everything. "we are the ones making ourselves sick". lottie takes all of the accountability and yet has none of the agency. like she Does make decisions for sure, she's not a passive character, but she lets other people decide what position to put her in and then acts from there. and like... how confusing and awful are all of these strong, loudly voiced, opposed opinions (that are honestly both dehumanizing in a way) for someone who is already scared and uncertain of their own experiences and what they mean? i love lottie matthews she makes me sooo. yeah. -cannibal laura lee anon

okay so. seems like the right time to discuss something i don't think i've seen discussed because i think people aren't sure how to talk about it. which... honestly i'm not sure either. everyone can judge for themselves whether they think how the show deals with mental health related issues is good or bad, there's for sure stuff to criticize or at least be aware of. but that's not really what i want to talk about. i want to talk about lottie in-universe and what are my thoughts and interpretations of her character and what she's going through. so! with that out of the way

lottie starts the show as a character who - i assume based on context clues with her childhood flashback and the meds we see her take in the days following their plane crash - has been on what i assume are antipsychotics for years (haven't researched how were psychiatrists prescribing those to minors in the 90s in usa but the show has lottie go through shock therapy after plane crash which is just. pretty damn unrealistic for the 90s so i think we can safely assume those meds are meant to be antipsychotics). my personal take on her character is that what happens to her is a mix of actual mental illness and something paranormal and regardless of that she's forced to quit her meds cold turkey after a traumatic event. even if her body and her mind dealt with it relatively well that's just horribly stressful for a 17yo who's been told for most of her life to fear her mind essentially and that she NEEDS those pills. she's so clearly anxious and then i think she's going through those rapid mood changes and then she's DRUGGED without her knowledge. like quite frankly that sounds horrifying especially in the context of what she's been through? and you're right it's this character we sort of see "in power" a lot in some ways but she doesn't actually have that much agency over herself and her life and i think she's trying to reframe it and change it in her adulthood through what she's... created and i think it's.. fascinating how she's trying to BE what people need her to be and who they think she is? at least so far in season 2. like jokes aside the fact that she's using things she's definitely learned in therapy before plane crash hurts me a little because to me that means she did find those techniques helpful and so she's trying to grasp at what might help her and others out there

[sincelastsession]

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I wish I gave less fucks honestly.

Today was so shit. Everything was loud. My mom was awful to me. Everything was still loud despite my efforts. I tried my best to solve problems.

If I wasn't sedated by my meds my anger and anxiety would have driven me over the edge.

I feel like I'm going insane living here. Every time I leave the apartment I have to spend money on something usually. Money is the big focus. It's been ruining my life because it's all my parents seem to care about.

I wish I was healthy. I wish I could just do the things I am aware I can't do currently or ever in this lifetime.

I haven't been able to get anything done for myself because I can't focus because I can't have my adhd meds, and people are so loud at my apartment complex and I am losing it.

I should not have to constantly sacrifice my own happiness for others.

Why is that expected of me from everyone I run across?

I feel like there's a secret book many ppl got and I just didn't.

My parents don't understand how fucked they act.

Most ppl can't fathom or understand about how bad shit is for me.

Everything just got quiet...for now. But my cat is screaming for something and I don't want to deal with it right now. I will go check but it's likely food. He ate. He is 20lbs. He may want my attention but I don't want anyone or anything near me and not really anh noise either.

I'm so physically tense still.

I feel like everyone is sick of me

They throw tantrums about "dealing with me" that shit is hurtful.

It's all hurt.

When does it stop hurting?

Almost wish I was aspd so I didn't feel things so much.

I wish my brain would put me on auto pilot.

All I need is a 2br apartment or lil house in a safe quiet area. Good people around me more. A way to legally make extra money on SSDI that goes along with what I want to do. The ability to concentrate. Probably more.

You know I've sacrificed my femininity to be here. I don't do anything for myself. I don't know the last time I was happy. I feel like entire chunks of my life dissappear. I don't want to deal with ANYONE in my family (except schizophrenic uncle, he's actually wonderful)

I wish I could run away. I feel like a kid.

I was hypersexual as a kid and that's how I know shit happened to me aside from memories clear and foggy. They sorta stay foggy. I feel sorta like a child right now. That not right though. None of this is ok. It's not in the least fair.

Why is there never justice for what happened to me?

[crayondinos]

okay so i just kinda want to word vomit/rant a little and the only person who would be okay with that is like SUPER busy rn now so i don't want to bother them

i've been volunteering for the parks system the next county over and it has been awesome! i haven't told any of the people about the jw stuff and my mom hasn't joined me so they all just know me as an awkward homeschooled kid! i'm terrified of mom or dad telling them about being jehovah's witnesses and ruining what i have going. this is my only connection to the outside world since none of my job applications have gone anywhere and if i lose it...

speaking of the job stuff, i got told that the parks director might want to hire me!!!! most of the jobs available want you to have a drivers license and i'm waiting to get mine till i turn 18 (only 4 months till then btw) so we don't have to pay for classes cause its like 500 dollars.

i have a part tonight. i'm sick of this. i wasted several hours of my life working on it. the worst thing is, well the two worst things ig are 1: i am really proud of how good it is and 2: i'm looking forward to maybe being told that i did good. the last talk i did the chairman said i did 'incredible'. he said it from the stage and i really liked it. i hate that i liked it.

i hate all i have to do to keep up the appearance of being a good jehovah's witness. i hate doing service three to four times a week and doing my bible reading -actually i kind of enjoy the studying but i hate that i have to do it to avoid suspicion- and i hate having to be "neutral" and i hate having to pretend to agree with everyone's political views despite the fact that we are supposed to stay neutral! LIKE NO MR. BROTHER MAN I DONT GIVE A SINGULAR SHIT ABOUT WHOS IN OFFICE RIGHT NOW BECAUSE IM NOT FREAKING SUPPOSED TO!!!!!!! i hate that i seem to be the only one acting the way jehovah's witnesses are supposed to when i don't even believe this stuff.

there was a bible study, we'll call them R, who started coming to the congregation my family goes to and mom got really attached to them. then R blocked the person studying with them, my mom and numerous other people. I never got their phone number. R stopped their study. my mom cried alot about it. i had to pretend to be sad but in reality i was so freaking happy. they had just graduated high school and they had short cut purple hair and lots of ear piercings and they did marching band. they gave such gay vibes but i have no idea if they are. we ran into R at the grocery store after the meeting a few weeks ago and they were polite as was mom. mom avoided saying anything about the meeting to make us seem more approachable i guess? thats how she explained it later to me in the car. mom waited until we had walked far enough away and then hugged me, hard, when she pulled away her eyes were wet and i felt like a piece of shit for not caring about what had upset her.

i have a car, my aunt moved across the world to be a need-greater and she gave it to me. i'm paying her back by selling some stuff for her.

i don't like myself. i inherited both my parents anger. i feels like the anger twisted together to create a person whose muscle fibers and bones are made solely from hatred, hatred for others, hatred for myself, hatred for life and for death. hatred for almost everything. i don't want to be shunned by my family. i love my family just as much as i hate them. they are everything to me but i can't live in this awful religion forever. i can't serve a god i despise for my whole life. i can't tell people they will see the people they love alive again when i don't believe it. i can't pretend to agree with the hatred this organization is practically weaved with. im so fucking scared. i'm scared of my family hating me, of my mom, dad, little sisters and little brother not talking to me again. i know my dads not going to live for more then a decade. he has so many health problems. i hate that at his funeral i most likely will not be able to talk to anyone, i know that i will be disfellowshipped once i leave. i'm queer and planning on committing so much "serious sin" and i'm not going to be sorry, not one fucking bit.

i would kms if i wasn't such a coward

[syrinq]

me, thinking about how a lot of human behaviours don't make any fucking sense to me, but the context around it makes me understand why such behaviours exist, but nonetheless, why

me, also a fan of making lists to get my thoughts in order: time to make a list of human behaviours i don't understand because they're stupid, nonsensical or just whacky :)

1. growing up in school and witnessing how fellow kids would change their attitude depending on hanging with a "girl" or a "boy"

2. calling people who do horrendous things "inhuman" or "past their humanity". my guy humans are inherently neutral, whether they do bad or good they're still a human? get out of here

3. the entire "beating around the bush" and not saying it straight if someone wants x or y or talk about z

4. the entire "being polite" crap speech. "oh i had fun but it's getting late!" brother can't you just say "i'm god awful tired i need to fuck off home and sleep". fucking awful this

5. the entire marketing crap. NINE OUTTA TEN DENTISTS APPROVE OF THIS. THE BEST IN THE WORLD! MAKES YOUR SOCKS POP OFF! lies. all of them. LIES

6. the psychology between pricing things 2.99 or a whole ass 3. Fuck you I HATE YOU FOR INVENTING 1, 2 AND 5 CENTS. AWFUL THIS!

7. pretentious symbolism behind colours, shapes, etc. it's True some evoke feeling, but to establish that as a ground rule is fucking bullshit. byeeeeeee

8. when someone gets shat on by eg. a bully and then they become the very same thing in the end. like okay champ you're doing so good

9. the reactionary sequences of big events in the world, eg. art periods, revolutions, etc. consequential reactions tend to be the same, the same but Amplified to Hell, the complete opposite, the complete opposite but sprinkle in Big Disdain for what once was. and then the cycle keeps repeating like a broken record?

10. the generalisation of a group of people, animals, things, whatever the fuck, whether positive or negative. like ok buddy chum "i'm not racist but..."

11. fads, fashion, supreme whatever. growing up poor and then when you get all that cash money $$$ spending it on gucci bags for the status. where's the whimsy and joy of actually enjoying what you get

12. ouhhhhhh i'm a company with soooooo much moneyyyyy let's squeeze out more money from these pesky binge watchers and these actors who totally didn't consent to their image being remade by ai!!!! DIE

13. ouhhhh humanity is so smart ouhhh yeah objectively the smartest on this planet but we still dumb as rocks!!!!! stop acting like we'll make mass effect real or prevail despite everything!!!! hell naw!!!!!

14. the need to humanise things or give them human features to invoke more "empathy" and "understanding" for something. my guy do we really need green smurf space human to sympathise with em??? I WANT MORE STORIES EXPLORING POSSIBLY HUMANITY OR THE ALIEN FROM A NON-HUMANOID PERSPECTIVE. PLEASE. I THIRST FOR THIS. I AM SICK OF YOUR DAINTY PRINCESSES AND WEIRD ALIEN SUPERMEN WITH AWFUL ROCK HARD TITS

15. whatever the fuck is going on with cocomelon

16. bitches fighting like petty 13yo xbox gamers calling each other slurs over some piece of land, oil, other resource, whatever in the world. and then they bomb each other like it'll solve anything. ok

17. categorisation of humanity in whatever boxes and labels that exist, to the point of being ultra-ultra-ultra specific. zodiacs, labels, etc. like brah i'm just a faggot on the internet. let me chill

18. regarding oneself as a "mommy" or "daddy" or "parent" to one's pet, and essentially roleplaying as their pet that they love their mommy and daddy sooooooo much :3 JESSE PINKMAN IN DA HOUUUUUUSSSEEEEEEEEEEE

19. continuation, regarding pets and/or kids as lesser than you or as things to be changed to your liking??? buy a barbie doll instead??? christ almighty on a stick

20. the need to comprehend everything through a human lens of understanding, eg. relativity theory, but then regarding those as 100% the truth whilst not really standing still and thinking that'd be the truth from a human perspective. and not necessarily the true truth. i still think time stopping at the speed of light is bullshit

21. the pettiness of kids and weird old-fashioned people in general for being "not the norm" or "not being able to be a cog in the machine". die maybe

22. the entire body language thing. ouhhh if a girl likes you she'll twirl her hair and look at you with her twinkling orbs and giggle at every grand joke you make even if they aren't funny 🥹 if someone crosses their arms they have a closed unwelcoming aura! unspoken silences and hints and nuances or whatever! have we ever heard of Talking. Please

23. the irony in someone being against x, but then being x themselves possibly. eg. someone terrified of their partner cheating and mistrusting them all the time, is themselves a cheater. and the opposite of that, someone joking about killing someone and then they never could hurt a fly. lol what my brain hurts

24. whatever the fuck "gender roles" and other "expected roles" are for someone based on gender, age, culture, religion, whatever. just treat people like people! sheesh!

25. society as a whole at this point. byeeeeeeeeeee

26. oh yeah whatever collectors have going on with nibs and insisting things are better when the package is left untouched and pristine and mint. not even to resell just to stare and look at. alright none of my business but what the fuck

27. gossip and small talk. oh hiiii how's it going with you? oh yeah the weather sucks absolute penis. (child emperor sitting on a throne) BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORING!

[misiwrites]

4KINGDOMS RE-READ ADVENTURE part 7

it's getting................ ! not hot in here. it's actually getting a bit stale. but the quest must continue

Chapter 28: max gets bitchslapped

i realised maybe yesterday that giancarlo really just fails at his job as max's knight over and over and over again in this story and in this chapter he does it again. he let everyone know that max sneaked out and didn't do anything to cover up for him whatsoever HAHHAHAHA

so max gets back home. sick. tired. and judy comes over and bitch slaps him to oblivion

judy also says giancarlo is going to take orders from her and tarou from now on i---- i'm not sure if i've remembered this. AH WELL i mean probably yeah. maybe? um

okay this bit made me almost feel a little bad

I had never seen Mama like this. She had never spoken to me like this. She had never called me stupid and worthless like this. It didn't feel real. It couldn't be real. Was this really Mama? The same Mama who had been so understanding only one day earlier? Did I deserve this? Had I done something so bad that she would hate me for it?

aw. poor max. :) /rubbing my filthy hands together in satisfaction

Chapter 29: takao and kai have a Very Exciting Fencing Match!!!

takao is all pumped practicing for a match against kai. and then it just suddenly is the fencing match day?? this pacing man. so i write these pointless chapters about rei and max just kind of gazing in each other's eyes and holding hands but i jump entire weeks of takao&kai progression forward because i want them to fight. this may honestly be more flattering to tyka than reimax. because rei and max progress at fucking snail pace even when they are gay w each other from like day one (or. day two. day one rei was calling max a hobo)

takao being like, i could immediately tell tourists apart from locals because of them Acting Rather Foolishly! is hilarious, also real

and then kyouju tries to use the Power of Friendship on kai but he. i laughed a bit too much at this

At one point Professor, who was also present with his parents, came to talk to me by our table; and he tried greeting Kai as well, saying how he’d heard a lot about him from me. Kai only granted him a questioning glare that was enough to make Professor shake in his boots and hurriedly wobble away with an apology.

a little pathetic that this is probably the most action-packed chapter of the fic to the date. you won't get anything this exciting anymore

this is also a not very well written chapter, as in it has a whole lot of straight-up typos, i guess i got too into it while writing the match HAHAHA

kai is a little shit who uses magic to fly and dodge takao's strike, and takao is like, wow he can fly i'm so in love. and then he also wants to fly for the rest of the story

takao wins! and he's so happy to have won in front of his own proud people! yay.

then the crazy storm wind happens and takao stops it by yelling out seiryuu's name, i always thought this was a nifty little scene myself. a bit short-lived but, it works i think.

this chapter is too stretched out tho. i should have cut it at the end before the part with kai looking at the paintings and then showing takao that he can also do fire magic, but i know i didn't because it takes place on the same day still. this is a lot of information packed into just this one chapter

Chapter 30: rei's number one enemy, internalised heteronormativity

this chapter starts off by takao complaining about kai having called him an idiot as the last line of the previous chapter, okay that makes the drawn-out end worth it

max has taken a hike to visit rick and doesn't seem to be coming back. byeeee

i can see the quality of my writing slipping here and i wonder why. like it's not bad, but there's a lot of… well idk, it just doesn't sound good. it's pretty dull, lots of poor punctutation choices. i did an elimination operation to semicolons

mao comes over to fangirl over a wedding catalogue and rei is like please shoot me in the head this sucks ass

the way i've portrayed mao in this early story is kind of icky. like she's very wifey with rei. just taking care of things for him and talking about marriage and clothes and fancy parties and she brings rei food and the list goes on. i've tried patching it up later by improving her role in the story but uuuuh yes. not sure what my thought process here was making it this way. maybe it's the internalised heteronormativity

Chapter 31: kai swinging weapons with his strong muscular arms, takao reacts like any normal boy would, i.e. damn he's hot

it's good that the takao stuff starts picking up here. also thinly veiled sword euphenisms. kai likes them long and thin. takao's is a bit curved.

the first line of this is better written than the entirety of the previous chapter

takao witnesses miguel descent into becoming a coffee addict i guess

max sends a postcard with a picture of. what takao calls. hairy cows

a lot of small things going on in this chapter. takao has a lot of frustration for kai being so cool and handsome and ripped with a sword in hand okay wow that got very gay very fast. takao leads kai right to ryuushinken and also tells him what it is like the fool in love he is

there was this real long ramble about some other city at the end of this, unrelated to anything and it didn't fit the pace of this already poorly paced chapter at all. i just eliminated most of it. like a semicolon

Chapter 32: rei is squeaky clean now

what are you gonna serve me this time rei. not much. unnecessarily detailed descriptions of how the purification period ends. why did i write this

olivier stress-baking macarons is the best detail in here

i swear rei choosing that he wants to wield a spear is not another phallic euphenism ...or is it

i'm honestly not sure where i was going with this thing about a fake byakko-ou crown having the gem of byakko on it. this is one of the very few details i flat out forgot what its purpose was. feeling a bit too lazy to change it at this point since this has existed like this for so long now. it also feels weird to have a description of rei's crown in the story but nobody else's. but um. (i changed the description entirely btw. it was so dry. this chapter is a raisin)

this is one boring ass chapter. nothing happens in it. the mention of byakko's stone is honestly the only relevant fact in here, i mean apart from macarons

this chapter's comments are full of "PLEASE UPDATEEEEE PLEASE MORE TYKA" fuck offe i hope you never got your tyka. bye

[creativepromptsforwriting]

Fake Dating Scenarios

aka believable and unbelievable reasons for fake dating

my family is bugging me to finally present them with a suitable partner

I told people that I'd date someone and now I need someone to lie for me

fake dating is the best way to make someone jealous

I need this promotion, but the boss is looking for the perfect family person, so I need to acquire a stable relationship - right now

my ex is always putting their new partner in my face and to show everyone how absolutely unbothered I am by that, I get someone I can show of myself

I need a visa and I'm desperate enough to fool some immigration officer

all of my friends have partners and I'm feeling left out, so I need someone to be my date for group date night

you're sick and I'm scared I won't be able to help you, because I'm not family, so we marry so I can legally take care of you

my ex doesn't understand it's over, so I tell them I've already got someone new

we're celebrities and our managements fake our relationship to sell to newspapers

I'm getting harrassed by someone, please play my partner!

we hooked up once, but people saw us and we don't want our conservative parents to think badly of us

my grandma is in love with you and she lives far away, so why not pretend to be a couple for the few days we see her, it would make her so happy

it's like a running joke for us and both our followers that we're getting married, without knowing each other irl, but after some time we both think it would be fun to shock everyone by actually doing it

both of our exes are dating now and while discussing the situation and being a bit too drunk, we decide to show them how that feels

I had a very public break-up and I need the paparazzis to stop selling sad pictures of me to every newspaper in the world

we're pretty broke and we know it's wrong, but you get an awful lot of gifts for your wedding...

our friends set us up together, because they think it will never happen and it's hilarious, so we'll show them how hilarious a relationship between us is

I want to foster/adopt kids and they want to see a stable family life first

the best couple on a reality show wins a lot of money, so we need to form an alliance

your management wants you to "date" a fan to make everyone feel like they have a chance and I'm supposed to be that fan

marriage is a contract and we want to sign it for the tax breaks

I told people at college that we're in a long distance relationship, but then you transfer to us and I need to keep up the lie

my parents want me to marry someone they chose, if I can't present them with someone they see as worthy and they would probably accept you

your job gives you benefits I need, please let's get married!

people look away when they see someone kissing, so it's a good cover for a surveillance mission

we're training together for a dance competition, but don't want anyone to know, so when our friends get suspicious that we're always together, we just say we're dating

I don't want to show up to this wedding without a date, so I get you to come with me

people seem to really ship us and we want to give our fans what they want

while babysitting my niece, she thinks that you should be my partner and you think it's funny to grant her that wish

I want to annoy my parents, so I hire you to play my awful new partner

you want to get your ex back and I want my crush to finally notice me, so we act like we're really into each other to make them both jealous

I hire you for your services, but then we actually meet someone I know and I'm so embarrassed, but then you tell them we just started dating

we want to see the world and in some places and situations it's just easier to pretend we're married

my reputation is not the best and you're the country's sweetheart that can help me and my brand

More Fake Dating AUs|Fake Dating Prompts|Fake Dating Royalty Prompts|Fake Dating Dialogue Prompts

If you like my blog and want to support me, you can buy me a coffee! And check out my Instagram! 🥰

[woodchoc-magnum]

Lone Star Hate Watch - 3x03

Disclaimer: As always - I hate this show, you love it! Please don't read this and have a wonderful day

Eddie Diaz to bless us with his beautifulness before we descend into misery:

Let's suffer together:

Okay I can barely remember what happened in the last episode but here we go

The snow makes this show looks awful

What are the chances that Marjan crashed right where Owen is with all the migrants

Wow the ol' bait and switch, did they teach Owen those fighting skills on the mean streets of Manhattan

Oh great TK's in a coma and now we have to suffer through his subconscious just fucking kill me now

Lisa Edelstein, you deserve better than this show

She also deserves an acting partner who can, you know, act

Like he actually can't act. It's embarrassing

Oh maybe he's dying?! Please? Fingers crossed?

Why is Carlos keeping vigil, like honestly Carlos, you deserve so much better than fucking TK

"It's pretty clear where this is headed?" – do they all think TK is going to die?

Why is this show getting my hopes up

Also I'm just going to point out that at no point did Nancy or Tommy do anything to warm TK up after he nearly froze to death so like… yeah.

"Because of me someone's kid is dying" – babe yeah you should've warmed him up just saying

"How am I supposed to face Owen" – this is assuming Owen will actually care that TK is dying

You know, if it's not to do with his hair or his skin routine does it even matter

I'm really sick of this snow storyline

This guy taking off on his own is going to die

Oh I forgot Paul nearly froze to death as well

I love Judd so much

I was just like "who the fuck are these people visiting Paul?" and it's Lindsay's parents and 100% they're rich

So this is how they get the firehouse back huh

"Would you like a Maserati?" fucking calm down bro

The special effects are sometimes laughably bad

Oh just like I called it, the guy is going to get killed – and I think the police are IN ON IT

And now Marjan is here?

Now the bad cop is chasing Marjan who is in a very easily camouflaged pink outfit, doesn't stand out at all in the snow

Oh great now we're back to TK fucking kill me

You can buy toffee in a jar in the US? What kind of sorcery

"I always be that little boy mom, I still am" TK says in a monotone

"You are surrounded by love" – this fucking reminds me of Taylor saying to Buck that his life is nothing but meaningful relationships

I can't believe Tim is focusing on this show rather than the OG, it's SO BAD.

This toffee in a jar thing… I'm stuck on that. Oh is it like caramel pieces? Do Americans call caramel "toffee"? you guys honestly I am side-eyeing this

"Can we please have a little more time Mom?" can he not go and visit her in New York

I'm so glad they didn't do this for Eddie, my god, it's so dumb

It's so fucking dumb

This Sheriff dude is bad news. You know people talk a lot of smack about Billy but at least he's not a people smuggler, like he could be worse

Julie Benz has gotten herself into a real fucking mess hanging out with Owen Strand let me tell you

Oh dispatch throwing Grace a baby shower

She is TWO WEEKS OUT FROM HAVING BABIES AND STILL AT WORK? My god

Oh she's definitely going into labour in the middle of the snow storm right

Somehow I'm only 22 minutes in

Owen has let the bad cop into his house

Maybe he kills Owen? Fingers crossed!

Marjan should steal the police car

Look I'm just going to say that Owen's hair is looking fucking terrible right now

God I hope this storyline doesn't drag into another episode

Don't you fucking hurt Julie Benz YOU MONSTER

Isn't enough that she died in Buffy, Angel and Dexter HASN'T SHE HAD ENOUGH

This bad cop is such an asshole let me just say

I know this is meant to be tense but I'm so bored

I'm so sick of the ugly snow effect

God damn them for using good music in this show fuck you Lone Star

Roy Orbison? YOU BASTARDS

You know it's funny, I watched Rob Lowe do Hot Ones and he didn't talk about Lone Star once

He's happy to star in it but he doesn't hype it up

Grace I swear to fucking god IF YOU FALL OFF THAT LADDER I WILL FREAK OUT

Oh it's Billy

My favourite 😍

This is how Grace goes into labour, Billy is going to antagonise her into it

Billy wants Judd to be a captain but we all know he won't take that job even though it totally makes fucking sense

Because he's going to go back to the 126 and be second to fucking Owen Strand and that doesn't make sense

And also – like, I know this show is pushing Billy as the villain here BUT he's really not? If you think about it, what he's doing makes total sense? The 126 burned down, it doesn't make sense to rebuild it if they have enough fire stations to cover the city, he's offering Judd a fucking promotion like… ?????? I'm sorry but you will never convince me he's a villain. He's opportunistic, sure, but like, I love him. So I'm fine with it.

I have loved Billy Burke for SO LONG, I will NEVER STOP LOVING HIM

Judd and Billy were BEST FRIENDS? When? Did I know that? Wtf

"The Department would've gone bankrupt trying to rebuild it" – I'm sorry but he's just talking a lot of sense and I think they're all being salty little bitches

Oh was Billy at the 126 with Judd before the place was decimated in Season 1? Okay okay that makes sense

God I love Grace even though I think her anger is misplaced

Oh shit her water broke but thank god she didn't fall off the ladder right

Billy is trying to do the right thing here, like I'm sorry

But you will NEVER CONVINCE ME HE'S A BAD GUY

Five minutes to go come on we can do this

"The universe is shouting in your ear and you can't hear a thing" bitch you are just fucking STEALING LINES FROM THE OG AT THIS POINT

Ugh seriously this fucking annoys me so much

It's lazy fucking writing

Oh fuckkkk now they're fucking singing

FUCK I HATE THIS SHOW SO MUCH

I fast forwarded it I'm sorry guys I can't

TK could die! Fingers crossed!

There's an awful lot of praying in this show which I think is one of the reasons I don't like it

One of the many reasons I don't like it

Billy and Grace are definitely going to end up in a car crash aren't they

Oh no they're stuck in the snow or something? How does she have an SUV with no four wheel drive, I thought that was the whole point

Is Billy going to deliver Grace's baby? Fuck that would be hilarious

Also it's finished thank god

In summation - Judd and Grace (and Billy) continue to be the best parts of the show, I cared for literally nothing else

Eddie Diaz for cleansing energy:

Lone Star needs to get some new fucking material is all I'm saying

Bonus Billy Burke!

How can you hate this man, I love him? I don't get it

[unmakingandincorporeality]

Feeling a weird kind of sick today & got to do livestream prep in 20 mins but before that I've got a little time for FUGUE POSTING

I made a new playlist today, called "desire, without obligation." It's named that because I needed something to be listening to while I wrote a draft of my grad school application statement of purpose, which I've been badly struggling with because I don't know how to communicate the idea of wanting to do a thing in a manner other than explaining why it would be good for other people were that thing to happen. And the problem is, I don't really want to go to grad school to help people. I want to go to grad school to have fun being a faerie academic nerd doing theory about how the internet is magic, and I want to make things that other, more practical, people will be able to use to help people. So focusing on the other people was railroading me towards a statement of purpose that was gonna put me in the wrong kind of program.

In my early 20s, I started going to therapy, because I wanted to have kids some day, & I felt like I owed it to them to deal with some of the trauma I picked up from my parents, so I can at least minimize the extent to which I'm passing on the same problems. It took me more than 2 years of sessions with the best therapist I'd ever had to get to the point where I was willing to say that, actually, I don't want kids, I've never wanted kids, every part of every aspect of setting up a life to have children is deeply unappealing to me—but it was okay for me to be in therapy anyway, because it's not wrong to go to therapy for your own well-being.

In our last in-depth conversation, my as-of-recently-ex friend told me that he felt like he could finally start figuring out what he wanted from his life because he'd done all the things he was supposed to do. Got a degree, got a job, got married, had two children, bought a house, paid off the mortgage. After all that, that's when he was allowed to ask, "What do I want?"

I don't want to think about helping other people. I've spent the past decade wrangling and soldering and sanding my personality to care about other people, and at this point I do it by reflex. I don't have to think about it, and I'm better at it when I don't—metacognition takes up the same brain space that would otherwise be going to cognition, so to whatever extent I'm monitoring my behaviors to make sure I'm happy with them, those behaviors are being made less competently, with fewer cognitive resources.

The thing I haven't figured out is how to hack and sculpt and wire myself to take care of me. Which is philosophically inconsistent: I'm a person, right? I go out of my way to help people. More or less by reflex. I ought to be willing to go out of my way, to put in effort, to make changes, sacrifice, lose out on things I wanted, to make things better for me.

But there are two kinds of people: the one experiencing this consciousness, and all the other consciousnesses that this one doesn't directly experience. the habits I've developed for how to act with regard to other consciousnesses are not the habits to care for this consciousness. I never witness myself struggling in a way that I know I'm currently secure in; I can never lend myself the strength I have in areas where I'm seeing weakness. Whatever it is I'm failing at, it's always the thing that I'm currently doing an awful job of handling.

So I shall need to get more creative with my interventions into myself.