#i'm constantly exhausted and i don't even hate my job but the working hours are excruciating

[cheekblush]

so how are you supposed to get anything done when you work 40 hours a week?

[theladyofbloodshed]

Hi. I really admire your writng and love all your fic very much. Really,as a reader i cant wrap my head around how incredible your writing are. But as a fellow writer, it got me thinking how you balance your day working-personal life-reading-writing. I just enter corporate life and it was exhausting. How do you manage your time to write and is it hard for you to keep your interest in writing while working?

Thank youu and no, i think your chrismast deco look very beautiful. If I visit your house i would love staying around the tree with a dim light and a warm tea.

Thank you so much for the message. That's incredibly kind of you. You are welcome for a cup of tea any time!

I will break down my day under the read more.

05:40 - partner wakes up for work (waking me up) 06:10 - partner leaves for work and I get up 07:00 - in the car to work 07:30 - at work. I don't get paid until 08:30 but I literally would not be ready for the kids if I came in at that time, plus I'm already awake (and definitely a morning person). I'm usually alone in the class until around that time so I tend to have an audiobook on while I'm getting the class ready. I teach in a different classroom every single day, so I have to be organised. 16:00 - finish work 16:30 - home for a cup of tea and usually go on social media/write 18:00 - cook dinner which usually takes about an hour After that, I either spend time with my partner, read, or write. The only day I haven't written something was when I had to be at work until nearly 9pm for a halloween party, but generally, I write every single day. I will be honest in that I don't really have a social life. I've only really got one friend and she lives 60 miles away. I cancelled my gym membership because I hate going after work in winter and I've been so ill for the last couple of months that it was a waste of money. At the weekends, my partner and I might go to a coffee shop or a walk, but most of the time I am writing. It's nothing I have to force. I look forward to writing every single day. If I found it a chore, I wouldn't do it. Sometimes, I am super tired from work too and have a low output, but in those times I'll lay on the bed or take a bath with some music on and still be imagining scenarios. If you are exhausted, don't push it. If I've imagined a scene enough then I know exactly how it will play out to make the writing easier. My brain almost thinks in a writer mode now, like instead of seeing the scene, I'll also be narrating it.

I am constantly thinking about my writing. When I drive, I am imagining scenarios/dialogue. If I go for a walk alone, my headphones are on to dissociate and imagine. For me, it's all consuming. Weirdly, none of my new colleagues know I have any books and I've just mentioned it in passing to my family because we're not close and they don't really care. Even my partner has no clue about character names or anything because he hasn't read them. It's got to the point where I have RSI in my hand from typing so much. Today, I've written about 5000 words and have written 100k words for a single book since October.

It is hard for me to switch off sometimes. I do wonder if I have some sort of ADHD because I have to be doing something at all times. When I'm at work for my planning time, I'm usually doing all 8 jobs on my to do list at the same time, like this page is loading so I'll start this email then go back to that lesson plan then reply to that other person. I cannot just sit and watch tv, I either have to be sewing, or writing by hand, or typing. The only time I do nothing is when I sleep lmao. I've always been that way though.

In terms of reading, I've really struggled this year. Most books have been 2/3 star reads for me - which is really unlike me. I'm usually super generous with 5 stars. I've had to force myself to sit and read a lot because I'll just scroll on my phone otherwise when I'm bored.

I wish I had kids, but I don't, and thankfully my partner also cooks and cleans so if its his turn to cook, I can carry on writing. Sometimes it has caused arguments so I try to make a conscious effort to put my laptop down and spend quality time together. Writing is just everything to me. I love it. It's all I ever want to do. But, I'm also not a night person, so my laptop is usually off before 9pm and I'm asleep by half past 9 nearly every night ha.

[maxine64]

vent post

I usually don't really like venting, as I hate seeming like I'm really pessimistic, but I feel like I've reached a breaking point. This week has been a mess

I'm tired and just frustrated, I feel like I'm always giving my 100, yet it feels like I get nothing in return.

One of my main clients is refusing to pay me 20 hours I worked on, same person who's really creepy calling me things like "babe" and "beauty" and keeps insisting we should meet in person, even tried to follow me on Instagram and told me that if I kept pushing him off, we'd stop working together. I work all damned day, yet I get barely nothing in return, I'm asked to always be ready and prepared for anything they might have, yet when I ask them a question, they take hours or days to respond. I never get told deadlines early on. I'm getting less money than a minimum wage employee working part-time and I'm working on a specialized field. I need the money to ensure I can pay my stay in Buenos Aires while recovering a bit from surgery if my social insurance decides not to pay it fully/at all.

On the other hand, socially I feel like a mess. I can't even land a singular date with a normal girl. Instead, I get a lot of creepy DMs that I just can't bare anymore, I'm constantly reminded I'm just a fetish to people. I'm falling apart on voice training, the group sessions I used to have are slowly fading away. I can't even enjoy a nice evening with friends because I'm constantly worried about what might happen. When I tell my mom that "I'm a woman like any else" she'll say "you're a person" as a response, like I should be thankful for having her consider me a person, meanwhile she's misgendering me in my back. My biggest brother, who I used to consider a friend, has stopped talking to me and doesn't even wanna see me. The Web Development course I sank hours into turned out to be a really big fraud. The 4 interviews I was given by the municipality of diversity, I didn't land even a second interview! Hell, I couldn't even get a second interview in the job quota program for trans people. I had to leave my current psychologist because she just wasn't helping me at all after like 7 sessions, I'm afraid the same thing might happen with the next psychologist I go to.

It feels like nothing can cheer me up, like I can't make a goddamned difference in my life, I'm so exhausted.

[oopsifuckedmylifeup]

I love my daughter I really do. But I also hate her. I know thats not something you should say as a parent but I can't handle her anymore. She pushes all of my buttons she takes all of my patients. She take away time I should give to my son. My son feels neglected because I have to deal with my daughter 24/7. He's acting out at school and he says it's because mom doesn't spend time with him. I want to spend time with him, I'd rather be spending time with him, but instead I'm giving all of my attention to my daughter.

She is sucking the life out of me. I've thought about adoption... its definitely crossed my mind. But I don't want my daughter to wonder why mommy doesn't want her. But the truth is... I don't. I don't want her anymore. I'm stuck with this child that will do anything to be bad.

My soul is tired. I'm tried everything. I've looked into respite care and heard nothing back.. I just want a fucking break. Parenting is already hard but parenting a child with ODD and ADHD plus a sleeping disorder is even harder.

What did I do to deserve this?! Why won't her POS father get off his phone and help me with her?! Thats the only reason his dumbass is even here.

My soul is tired. My body is tired. My mind is tired. I want to give up. I just want to end it all. End me. Finally be set free and rest.

I love my daughter but I resent her. I regret having her. I'm stuck with her.

I know this all sounds bad and I sound like a bad mom but I don't care at this point... I'm tired. I want it all to end.

Someone save me from this fucking nightmare I am living. There is no such thing as relaxation for me.

Her teachers asked me "Ashley what do you do for yourself?" I had no answer. I don't do anything for myself. I don't have time.

I wake up get the kids ready throw my hair in a bun get my son to the bus stop and get my daughter to school then I work a full time job after that job I come home feed the kids dinner make sure they took their meds bathe them put my son to bed and then fight my daughter to go to sleep for hours. By the time thats done I'm EXHAUSTED. There is no time for me to do anything for myself. Weekend are even harder. Following my daughter around just trying to keep her alive and out of trouble constantly.

I hate my life. I fucking hate it. How did I end up here?? I'm burnt out. There is nothing left of me. I'm a soulless burnt out corpse on auto pilot everyday.

I love my daughter. She is made from me. I grew her in my tummy. She is one of the reasons I'm still alive today.... but she is also one of the reasons I don't want to be alive today.

[mywheelieweirdlife]

I just watched this TikTok about how it's always lowkey terrifying deciding how much of the reality of your chronic illness because of how it may permanently alter peoples perception of you.

And it made me think about exactly how much I don't say.

And like, my best friend knows the most, but also until recently hadn't actually seen me just go down in front of her... and that was online, not in person.

She's seen the 'drunk mermaid' stage where I'm pre or post seizure, have no leg control and no arm control and am just loopy... but never actively been there when I fell or passed out or had a grand mal like seizure.

My abusive ex had... and that's also why a lot of people haven't... but not many people are privy to how hard it is, even my other chronically ill friends.

I don't talk about the loss of bladder control or the ibs like symptoms that come up because my body decided to turn off my digestive system for a week so I don't eat properly for about 3-4 days at a time because I'd rather feel weird about not being physically able to eat than deal with the risk of throwing up because I tried to force myself to 'eat normally'.

And living off multivitamins and supplements and snacks because it's easier for my body than 'normal meals' but constantly feeling like I'm returning to an ED or panicking about going back to being severely underweight because I can't eat normally.

Or that sometimes, I have 'control' of my legs, but the muscles are so tight that there's basically no range of motion and I'm spending hours massaging in muscle relaxant creams crying in pain wishing with every fibre of my being that I get hit by a car and have them cut off because I don't want to deal with the ridiculously stiff rock hard legs that refuse to release for days and have nerve spasms through them. And then I feel guilty for that, but it's the truth.

And the days my rib literally goes 'pop' as it moves out of place and I want to cry and scream and swear and I can't in public because it happens all the gd time so I just cry and laugh it off and I just can't be honest with people about 'this hurts and it's scary' because it's also normal.

I brush off my seizures and my body paralysing and spasming and the tremors and the brain fog and the speech impediment it brought with it and the nerve pain and the digestive issues and the migraines and the insomnia and the anger at the destruction of my body and life and career (the one I previously had).

And I don't brush it off because it's not impossibly hard and stressful and exhausting and a constant battle that consumes every moment of my life… but because if I don't pretend it doesn't hurt, fake a convincing smile and laugh and say 'It's this or die and I have kiddos who need me.' (Which has been my line since I was diagnosed with depression and really really struggling and didn't want to end up in hospital and I would've never expected then that it would turn into this).... I lose even more.

Like if I lose the gentle pity and the honestly really creepy almost faked 'inspiration' speech abled people give me, I get the brushed off, ignored and hated version where people feel 'justified' in the dehumanisation of me and spit on and kick me and cuss me out in public.

Absolute strangers just attacking me because I don't have a 'purpose' that fits their world narrative and expectations of an adult human.

So like, I'm writing a book is my new answer to 'what do you do' when before it was 'recovery or at least stabilising my condition so it's a lot of medical appointments.' Which is nice because people assume a lot of writers get paid while writing (which while wrong works in my favour in not getting verbal harassment or assaulted).

But like, even if I didn't write, even if I never worked a paid job again; I'm a human being with purpose outside of employment and entertainment.

I'm free therapy and life advice to my friends, I'm a late night companion who's always happy for a call even when I'm loopy af (which honestly just makes most of my friends laugh because our humour matches so well), I'm a bundle of joy and random knowledge and a filtering system of good and bad ideas and offering new perspectives.

If provided with accessible housing and community, I would be the best house husband and father because I adore children and want to be a parent and if it wasn't for the laws of my country saying I have to raise a biological child to adulthood first, I would automatically sign up to be foster guardian/parent or adopt queer, neurodivergent, disabled children and provide them with a safe and understanding home where their needs are accommodated and they're welcome and safe and wanted and loved.

I would garden and look after animals and sign and read to kids and help little ones learn and do homework and teach them how to safely interact with animals and insects and the world around them and help them learn about different religions and cultures and how to be polite and respectful and find beauty and wonder everywhere.

And that's just as important as someone who works a traditional 9-5.

I'm important, others who are also disabled are important, we have wants and needs and dreams and humour and laughter and feelings.

We're more than we're able to be and it's not even our fault because they don't want to see us.

Because if I let them see all of me, all my struggles, if I admitted that actually I do need help, a lot more help than I ask for, especially because this house and this community and this world is not set up for me... they would stop seeing me.

They would stop seeing all the beautiful chaotic personality traits and history that I love about myself and that is loved about me because I'm 'too broken' to be fun anymore.

And that's always in the back of my mind and haunts me. And I know I'm not alone with it because the others in the community I follow and who follow me are the same where none of us can say how bad it is because ableds treat us like crap when they do and ignore the fact you're all some of the funniest and most interesting people who from the internet can change my life through the most beautiful and important posts.

We deserve better, we deserve to be seen and heard and loved for everything we are, even and especially the hardest parts.

Also; terfs and devotees DNI (and with full disrespect, fuck off, you're not welcome here and will be blocked and reported on sight after the horrific shit I found last time I had to go on a devotee blocking spree).

[mrbingley]

i got chewed out by two of my managers today b/c yesterday two customers were upset about how busy the carryout got and one got a caesar salad but i guess i mistakenly said chicken caesar (i can't remember if they misspoke or i misheard; i've been working so much everything blurs together). but it wouldn't have gotten that busy and unmanageable on my part if a manager hadn't explicitly chosen to cut the other person working carryout w/ me an hour earlier. but of course it's my fault. i'm new! i'm still learning! i'm going to make mistakes and not manage the flow that well on my own. and i wish they'd give me some grace and understanding and help instead of chewing me out and treating me like i'm an idiot. it's so tough going into work knowing everyone thinks i'm an idiot. but i can't quit even though that's all i want to do b/c i need money to pay for rent. i've applied to more jobs, but it's radio silence from all of them as per usual. i'm so exhausted. i hate work. well. i hate hourly hospitality/restaurant/customer service work. i don't know anything else b/c no one else will give me a job. but i want out so badly it's killing me inside.

i'm tired of feeling like this. i want to make silly posts here and create silly things but i have no time to do that and no headspace for it b/c i'm constantly bummed about how much i'm working and how apparently bad i am at my job.

[quincytatas]

heavy vent tw

Tw for mild unreality , emotional abuse , Physical abuse , ED , Alcoholism , self harm , suicidal ideation

idk what else - ask to tag.

I wanted to keep things short but Idk theres just so much thats happening thats so overwhelming to me and I don't know if theres any chance I can just keep taking this shit without having a full fledged mental episode.

I feel overwhelmed by all of my attachments to people so I feel scared and like I just have to hide instead of facing others. I feel like everything is artificial even if its not. Everything just feels so fake from friends to family to coworkers.

I don't want to feel like this I want to genuinely feel the emotional attachment that should be there but its just not. I don't feel sad about anything.

Another thing is how much I really know I need to work the extra hours at my job and I wouldn't mind if I didn't feel so overwhelmed with customer interaction.

I think a majority of my problems lies within my social battery but I hate it because I hate being alone I just wanna be able to sit with someone and just not talk or do anything.

I can't constantly be taking every hit from my family constantly hearing about how my mom shouldn't have had me in the most non malicious way possible. It makes me so much more angry to hear it so casually than with words of anger.

I hate constantly having to be the shoulder for my grandmother because she refuses therapy. But I can admit we're one in the same there. I've refused therapy for so long because I'm scared of it.

Everything is exhausting all I want to do is sleep and drink and smoke. I just want to do things that are bad for me because I know it'll hurt me in the long run.

I've been thinking about hurting myself again. The last time I had a relapse was in January just after new years but I know I really want to do it again. It's such a bad urge in my mind at the moment that I couldn't even make my breakfast without wanting to use the knife on myself.

Another thing, all food tastes disgusting to me again. I know I'm gonna end up relapsing back into my ed once again.

I feel the constant urge to drink until I throw my food up or to force myself to vomit with my fingers. I've been trying so hard not to do that but frankly I don't want to eat at all anyways. I eat because I have to not because I want to. It makes my life feel so out of control. I had this shit under control last year but I don't even know what happened.

It doesn't help that my grandma constantly talks about weight and weight loss and tries to order 100s and 100s of dollars worth of diet supplements she sees on facebook.

I'm literally so tired. Its like life is constantly beating down on me and I just feel like I can never have something nice. I'm constantly berated and pushed to my limits and frankly I don't think I can take much more.

i just find myself more sensitive to things than I want to be and yet at the same time I feel numb to emotions more than usual.

Bonus points is that I'm hallucinating a lot more again recently. Constantly seeing bugs and shadows throughout the day. It doesn't bother much but its still an indicator of how bad my mental health is at this point of time in my life.

I have a lot of problems with my birth mother trying to be in my life and my grandma trying to force me to care about her. She lost me since I was a child because she always found drugs and men are more important than her own child. But now she wants to be in my life and she wants to bring her physically abusive husband in my life when he's choked her and beat her on numerous occasions, recently punching her in the face 5 times.

I don't need that around me. And she refuses to leave him so why should I keep her around. She's ultimately ruined my life time and time and time again. I can't put up with her.

I'm so fucking sick of being constantly gaslit and manipulated and guilt tripped by my family.

I can't take care of everyone.

Yea idk what else to say atm. If it wasn't for this concert i'd probably just attempt again.

[mangodestroyer]

I'm so sick of my family. They just keep getting worse and I need to move out. Or at least find some way to get away from them sometimes.

Only problem is: my social life is non-existent at this point. I want to meet new people, but I've had two awful experiences with a roommate and an ex, so now I'm completely put off from socializing and just want to isolate.

I find it hard to escape from all this through hobbies. I used to at least find comfort in fiction and whatnot, but the problems in my life have become so pressing and I'm so mentally exhausted that it's hard to distract myself anymore. I'm lucky if I can get myself to write at all, or play a video game for more than half an hour. I waste a lot of my time doing nothing if I'm not going to work or whatever.

I want to be able to have conversations with people that go deeper than the weather. But I'm always made to feel stupid if I talk about anything even remotely serious with my family (specifically with my mother). I can't even mention a goofy ass job listing without her going on a rant about how I shouldn't worry about that job because I'm not applying for it when I was just making fun of the ridiculous requirements for the low pay! So there's no hope talking things that are actually affecting me/causing me genuine concern. And I can't discuss interpersonal issues either without being gaslight or told that I'm actually a terrible human being and need to own up for it (ex. I tell my mother that it's hard for me to ever discuss anything because she constantly tells me I'm argumentative and starting drama and then she just tells me that I am and that I love to blame everyone else for the things I do). Every little thing I do or say can and will be used against me. If I do something right, I'm arrogant or the accomplishment/good trait gets diminished. I'm not allowed to ever be imperfect, but I can't be too perfect either. If I dare socialize with these people, I'm annoying and need to go away, but if I fail to contact them often enough when I'm away, I don't care about them and only use them as a safety net.

I hate how I had to learn so many things about life on my own and have to put so much work in to try and only recover a little bit from the damage that has been done. It's not shocking to me at all that I ended up in a couple abusive situations as an adult because I had no boundaries whatsoever and didn't detect the red flags/listen to my gut. I just wanted to be agreeable so that I wouldn't rock the boat, or whatever. I never stood up for myself or anything and would constantly get myself baited into dumb arguments. I've spent so much time educating myself on how to avoid/manage toxic individuals, and it has gotten easier, especially with the work I've done to make myself less vulnerable, less standoffish, and more pleasant, yet firm so that healthier people approach me more. I've noticed I get harassed less in public now and some of my co-workers have warmed up to me, but there's still that lack of trust.

This is all so exhausting. For once, I'd just like things to start going right. I'd love to meet a cool new person who's on the same wavelength as me who I can actually trust. I'd like a job that actually gets me ahead financially. I'd like to lose weight and also lose these health problems I never used to have before I met my ex-roommate and ex-partner. I'd love to see my passion for my hobbies and life in general rekindle. Seriously, despite bullying at school and my home life, I was so happy and passionate as a child/teen. Where did it go?

Seriously, can things just start going right? The past four years have been miserable.

[not-poignant]

New-author-Anon here. Thank you so much, Pia. It just... It's so easy to see the "small" wordcount and think "oh, this is nothing." I'm pretty good at churning words out normally, but on top of this, I have a legal job that takes up 25-30 hours a week, and I teach Japanese 3 hours a week. I kept telling myself that it's not too much. The salary is good for my area (about 19k AUD a year), and that's the probationary one. Thank you. You're probably right it's burnout. Ill try to adjust my workload

It's so easy to see the "small" wordcount and think "oh, this is nothing."

Honestly I agree! I saw the 1,600-1,900 words and thought 'oh that's not too bad' and then I saw 'twice a week' and was like '....hang on' and then added up the numbers on my calculator and did a tiny little scream in my head about what you'd committed yourself to.

I'm just a little worried about you anon! You're obviously a superstar with everything you do, and I'm really really glad you're getting paid a decent amount for your area! I want this to be a good fit for what you're doing because you like the content and you like the work. But man, non-fiction takes a toll. It's harder to write than fiction, for the most part, because it requires more research every single time. You don't get to 'settle down' into characters, and those hours of research and editing aren't invisible.

One thing you can maybe consider doing while you figure this all out, is sit down and - if you aren't doing this already - work out the hours you spend realistically on the writing job. Not just the writing itself, but the editing, the researching, and also thinking about what to write re: the topic itself. It's sometimes easy to forget that these are also the hours of your new job, and they are all equally important.

Another thing you could do if you're very committed to keeping this job, or can't restructure easily, is seeing if you can try and get ahead on your schedule, so that you feel less like you're constantly at the mercy of your deadlines - I don't know if it's possible, but if you can even get a week ahead sometimes, it can help remove some of that dread. ADHD makes this very hard, and so this may not be possible with what you're already doing, so don't stress if you can't. It's okay.

Your feeling of helplessness may be your body or mind trying to communicate to you that you're just overwhelmed right now. And if it is writer's block - there will absolutely be different techniques that you can use to help you.

And 100% you need to look at scheduling some rest. One of my hardest earned skills personally is the ability to go - after staring at a chapter and hating myself for not writing anything - is 'Right! I'm not going to write for the next four hours! I'm clearly tired! I'm going to go lie down, and get some rest. Or I'm going to do something fun or relaxing. Or I'm going to go for a walk. But the thing I'm 100% not going to do is stare at this document. I'll come back later.' The hardest part of this skill is catching it before 3 hours have gone by, lmao. Sometimes I'll just do the 'endless scroll' and distract myself and feel guilty and stressed, and I have to actually just be like 'walk away and go do something else.' I may still worry about it, but at least I gave my brain a TV show, or a movie I love, or a book, or I ate something tasty, or I drank some water.

The fact is, people tend to write better when they're not exhausted all the time. I have to take days off because of chronic illness anyway, but taking actual rest time is vital to you actually being able to feel inspired and motivated enough to write. You obviously have discipline! And reaching out for help is great too. Give yourself some mercy and kindness in amongst feeling like you're not getting anything done, you're getting a lot done, and are maybe now needing to re-evaluate a little. I really hope it works out though, and it sounds like you're working damn hard to achieve it. I do wish you all the best, seriously.

(Oh, and random tip that isn't in my other writer's block links - if you can, consider hooking up with some Twitch stream 'write ins' or other writing groups. Sometimes the gentle pressure of other people who 'get it' all kind of figuring it out at the same time can actually help? I'm not one of those writers who benefits from this, but I know plenty who are, and it might end up being your thing too!)

[neuromedical]

Whats the point of studying medicine when no one supports you in your plans?I can see this difference when I visit my friends houses and talk with their parents.I cannot speak with my parents in a normal way when it comes to my future job.They still try to convince me to do something else ,even though they know how passionate I am.I think the only "person" who supports me rn is my dog :D This kind of situation makes me a little bit depresed and sad.Life can be pretty shitty sometimes.

I agree - life can be shitty sometimes. But I feel like it would be more shitty if you studied something you weren't interested in and had a job you hated.

I totally understand the lack of support, I get all my decisions questioned all the time and after some time it feels very isolating and even lonely. And when you spend enough time explaining yourself and justifying your decisions, it gets exhausting. In my experience, all you can do then is smile and ignore it all. Don't talk about it with people who constantly have something against it and refuse to see it from your side even after lengthy explanations. Find a group of people who do understand and support you (like our sweet medblr community) and vent there and reserve every other topic for your family and friends. Sometimes separating topics like this is the only way to not go crazy.

What's the point of studying medicine if no one wants you to? My guy, you will probably spend the rest of your life working :D It's your life. Will they get up every morning to spend hours at this job? Will they get paid for the work they've done? Will they be coming back home after work and feeling a sense of accomplishment and pride? No. It is your life and your job and if medicine is what interests you, so be it. Honestly, even if it wasn't medicine - this goes for any job. If their arguments are (like the arguments I've heard before) that you will work long hours and won't have as much time for family and you'll probably be stressed a lot and will have to study a lot - they're right. There are many much easier jobs to choose from. I made my peace with all of those conditions and if you have as well, then their arguments truly shouldn't matter at all.

I know not being able to talk to your parents freely is frustrating, I've been there. I assume you're younger than me (as p much everyone here :D) so let me tell you that it does get better with age. The older I am, the less I am "the child of my parents" and the more I am a close friend they can talk to and it's much easier for them to understand my choices and opinions, because I'm an adult and they see me as such. At least that's my experience and I see it among my friends as well.

Hopefully this is not just long but also somewhat interesting 😅 This topic is very close to my heart, despite my parents wanting me to study medicine (we've had different gripes - about my specialty and place and whatnot). So I wish you luck, hopefully people will get more understanding :) And even if in the end you don't choose medicine, good luck in whatever path you walk 🍀

[jedi-bird]

I made it through yesterday.

(Warning for death mentions and depressive episodes below cut)

I made it through yesterday. I made it through easier than I expected honestly. The days leading up to it were not good. Yesterday, I was busy and had other things to occupy my attention. Today though, not so much.

Yesterday marked seven years since my grandfather died. He was the last of my direct family and the last one who actually cared about me. I didn't get to see him or talk to him for the last four months; a combination of too much work, weird hours, and my family giving me the wrong number for him. I got blamed for everything that happened. I used to be his full time caretaker, while still working a full time job, until I had a nervous breakdown and it became either someone else take care of him or I was probably going to kill myself. At the time he moved away (because care facilities here were more than we could afford and where he went meant that he had most of his family close and visiting daily), he was the healthiest he had been in years despite the repeated strokes. In four months, he'd be dead.

I miss him a lot lately, even though we fought constantly. I was the odd one out in the family. The only one who wasn't fully white, the only one willing to take care of people, the only one who had spent half their life being abused. My grandpa wasn't great, but he tried. He kicked my stepfather out of the house and banned him from ever visiting again (his exact words were I'll burn the house down before you step foot in here again). He took me to rodeos and bought me my first hat. We went to petting zoos and the movie. He taught me to garden, though admittedly it was more what not to do since half his stuff died immediately. We raised chickens together. We used to sing along to the sound of music every year, even after I got my job and spent most of my time trying to catch up on sleep; I'd come home, exhausted and hungry and just needing to be alone for a bit but still stop and sing edelweiss with him (I can still hear his off-key voice whenever I hear the song).

My grandpa was a liar and a jerk and treated my grandma horribly when they were younger. I miss him despite it all.

The year he died, my partner was also in the hospital. They didn't know what was wrong or if he'd make it. I got the call right before going to see him before I had to leave for work. I remember being numb, just not being able to focus or cope. I called my job, begging for the day off because I was afraid to drive and afraid to think and I needed to be with someone who understood. They told my no and said I needed to come in early. So I had to leave the one person who still loved me, who was sick and needed me, to drive almost two hours in traffic to find out I wasn't even necessary that day. I broke down, screaming at my manager in the break area in front of everyone. I was hysterically. They tried to backtrack, telling me they misunderstood and that I could go home. But what was I going home to? Two more hours in traffic to miss visiting hours, to have to go to an empty house full of memories that I couldn't acknowledge yet. I spent most of my shift sobbing in the back areas, no one really knowing how to help me. During all of this too, my family kept threatening to make me homeless. I didn't want to go on.

I don't know how I made it through that time. No one spoke to me for months other than my partner, who did get better eventually. I never got to cope with any of that, or my grandma's or mom's deaths. I just had to keep going.

So I made it through this year. Today is hard but I made it. In a few weeks, it'll be fourteen years since my grandma died, the woman who loved me unconditionally and raised me, and that's going to be hard. I'm afraid that this year, my stepfather will finally find me and I can't deal with that again; he's the reason more than anything that I hate my birthday and just wish it didn't exist. Then I'll be practically alone for the first month of the year and then the numbness will lift for a bit until spring, when I'll have to confront my mother's death again. I've been in therapy for years and it helps but sometimes it's not enough. I know I'll be fine, because I've kept going this long and I can go a bit longer. Each day is a step and breaks are allowed.

But fuck I'm tired right now. I miss the numbness.

[jellysharkbat]

My dog can't be left alone very often. Well, technically he's not 100% mine. But I'm the one taking care of him most of the time and I'm the one who sets his vet appointments and grooming appointments (along with normal day to day stuff). So at this point, he might as well be my dog.

I love him, I really do. But I can't leave him alone. He has pretty bad separation anxiety (it has gotten a bit better tho!), and he needs meds for it. He takes daily anti-anxiety meds. He's a big dog (110 lbs), and he can get destructive if he panics (when we first adopted him he ripped out the cat door...twice). He's hurt himself (minor) before and I'm afraid of the thought that he might seriously harm himself in a blind panic.

Right now, partially because of this, I can only work part-time. He is home alone 2 days a week. Those are the days I have to be at work. My longest shift is six hours. Because I work part-time my schedule is the easiest to adjust; no one else in the family has a flexible work schedule. The rest of the week, I'm home with him. Me. Just me.

I never leave the house unless it is to go to work or doctor appointments. Over the past 2 1/2 years we've had him, I maybe get to leave the house to do something for myself once a month. Maybe every other. Probably every other or more, now that I think about it. Once a month seems way too often. For just an hour or two at the most when I do.

I'm the one who deals with his anxiety. I'm the only one who's been trying to train him to get better. It's bad enough that I don't think he'll ever be comfortable with being alone but at least it's gotten a bit better. He hasn't peed in the house while I'm at work or an hour long appointment for 3-4 months! Yay him! I'm super proud of him for that!

But it's exhausting. Especially since I'm the only one who usually cleans up/calms him down/trains him (becauseI get home before everyone else). My family refuses to find him a new home (they don't want to be "like that"- the kind of people who adopt and then give their pet up) so we're (I'm) kind of stuck with him.

I love him. I really do. But I almost never leave the house unless it's to go to work or for doctor appointments. It's so rare that I can just...go out and do something for fun. I can maybe do that once a month? Once every other month? And even then, it's never for long. I'm constantly aware that he's at home having a hard time. Panicking. Thinking he's being abandoned.

Maybe it's because I have anxiety disorders too, but I really empathize with his separation anxiety. It breaks my heart, knowing that when I leave him alone, he's convinced he's being abandoned. He's always so *grateful* when I come home. It hurts to see that.

I've cried because of it.

So I don't leave. I don't get to go anywhere besides the places I absolutely have to be at. I don't leave my house for fun. I can't just walk out without a care in the world. I've become jealous of people (which is nearly everyone) who can just...leave for a bit because they want to.

It's been like this for nearly 2 1/2 years now. I hate it so much, and sometimes I really resent my dog for it. If it wasn't for him, maybe I could go hang out somewhere. Maybe I could work on getting to a point where I can get a full-time job. Maybe I can take driving lessons.

But I feel so guilty for leaving him alone. I know it's not his fault. He can't help it. When we adopted him, we didn't get a ton of info about his life before us. We don't know what his first year of life was like. The shelter didn't have him long enough to find out about his seperation anxiety.

I feel horrible for being upset and I'm frustrated with my family for refusing to do anything. I envy them so much because they can (and do) go out with friends or to social events or spontaneously decide to go to a store to look at something.

I can't drive, and driving lessons are expensive af, and I only make so much. My family refuses to help me learn (they didn't help sibling either tho, tbf). We only have one car and they don't want it ruined. So it's already difficult for me to go places.

The dog just makes it worse. I'm trapped in my own house. I don't leave unless I have to. It's almost certainly to somewhere stressful (work) or inherently not fun (doctor). I don't get to go to social events. I don't have friends who live nearby. I'm alone.

And I can't leave because I can't take my dog with me anywhere. I can't guarantee that he'll be allowed inside a business. He's not the best with other dogs, so walking him scares me. I'm terrified of something happening, you know? He weighs more then I do! If he really wanted to, he can overpower me. He's generally pretty easy going and I can push him around, but when it comes to other dogs? He does what he wants.

I love him and I hate him. I hate this so much. Why does it always have to be a trial for me to just go somewhere?

My dog does have extra medication for when I do have to leave him alone. But like I said, I'm not the one who medicates him. I'm not good at forcing him to swallow his pills. That medication helps tho. It's like the meds you get when you're overly anxious at a dr's office and they give you something to calm you down. So it's not like he's in a drugged stupor.

Family doesn't like giving him that tho. It's already a pain to them to give him his daily medication. More on top of that is irritating for them. They don't want to constantly "drug him up". When I do have to leave him alone and request he get that extra medication before the family leaves to work, I get big sighs, shoulders dropping, rolling eyes...everything that says "omg really!? I don't wanna"

I work on the weekends, so most places are closed when the family is home. Or they get home on the weekday from work and don't want to go anywhere. And for some reason, I get the third degree if I try to leave.

I'm an adult but treated like a teenager. Where are you going, why are you going there, that's stupid, don't do that, it's busy over there, etc.

So when family is home? I still don't get to leave. Most places are closing or closed and omg, if I'm out past dark- well. That doesn't happen.

Because I'm a girl, and all.

I'm an adult and I have to justify everything I do, just like a teenager.

While that's a separate issue from my dog, he just compounds it all. He ensures that I can't do anything for me, for fun. Not outside anyways. And I know it's my fault for feeling so guilty about leaving him alone. I wish I could just wish not think about that and go somewhere while the rest of family is at work all day. Just because I want to.

I'm tired. I'm frustrated. I'm lonely. I feel trapped.

I love my dog, but I wish we never adopted him.

Does that make me a terrible person?

[audiovisualrecall]

Wanted to go in to work 'early' - I'm scheduled for 10am today - bc I have a special order being picked up at 1pm sp it'd be nice to have a little extra time to dedicate to that. But going in early means if I leave on time I'll be leaving 'early' according to my scheduled time, and that means it'll cost me UPT, and my balance of upt isn't in surplus mode anymore. (Which makes me anxious just like how using up pto for days I've requested off means my balance is lower now and that makes me anxious, but I can't just save them both up just in case...but upt is used for lateness as well as leaving early, and for calling out if I don't use pto for it, and I'm late frequently when I'm not going in early, so I need the upt but still). So Id have to see if my boss could like adjust the schedule to match the start and end times to the times I actually worked today, and that just sounds exhausting trying to convince him I need to go in early and also need him to do this bc I don't want to be losing upt when I come in early. Like he would just be like anita can do the order...when like, no, the customer only told me yesterday the final details and I need to at least SHOW anita what the customer wants And text a photo of the first arrangement to the customer on her request (which I said i would do bc she's a regular, same reason i took the order at all so close to deadline) so I need to be there before she can start on them. It's too exhausting to explain that to him, just exhausting, no. And the other part he would say yes and then forget to do it and I'd just end up losing tbe upt anyway bc whatever.

Anyway, so I decided it's too exhausting to deal with and I wanted more sleep, but now it's 8:30 and I'm still in bed but didn't actually get much more sleep bc thinking abt all this kept me awake, and I now have an hour before I have to go and I waste so much money on uber/lyft and I hate it but I have no fucking free time to taking driving lessons okay. And I'm too lazy to get up early and take the bus bc I'd have to leave 2.5 hrs early or earlier even and that's exhausting too. And I'm so tired of this job, genuinely I'm tired of it. But the health insurance is nice so far. My medication is covered and approved quickly and I get dental and vision coverage and the coat is taken out of my pay check so I don't have to remember ro pay any bills for any of that, it's good coverage and costs way less than my old plan and is so much better than the state plans I would've gone for if I left. And I could in theory find another job that offers health insurance, but you can't exactly search through employers and job listings with health insurance benefits as a filter, and no guarantee of what insurance company or how good the plan would be, etc. And I also Just got on the plan from work, I still have to finish setting up the dental user account so I can use it for dentist visits, haven't even looked at the vision stuff yet, so I don't want to have to try to find something else and switch to something new. But gd am I tired, I'm tired of being in charge of my little subdepartment and I'm tired of corporate bs and changes that make things worse and how my brain is not at all suited to what I have to do for my job, genuinely, and how that means I constantly feel like I'm failing, or I actually DO screw up, like a lot, I'm exhausted and I only like the flowers part of it, but I can't step down bc there's no one else to do it.

Also I'm totally getting my period today and I hate that, too.

I don't want to go in to work at all, now. I don't want tp go at all. I can't quit tho bc health insurance!!! And I have to go in today to do this damn special order. Bc I'm dumb

And i'm going to be late if I don't get up out of bed now

And I really don't want to

At all

[ilaiyayaya]

Finally Another Long Schizo-post, Been Too Long

Fuck I need to stop making everything a draft again and like actually post things, this blog exists for a fucking reason, and that reason is only partially for awawa_happy.mp4. I need to stop fucking reverting back into neet-mode every time I somewhat open up I literally made this to have an outlet to more easily prevent that.

Fuck I effectively went back into isolation again without even realizing it. In the last 6 months I have barely left my house outside of going to work and occasionally buying groceries, and I've even been buying groceries less frequently specifically because I've become afraid to go out in public most days again. Even when I do go somewhere now I more often than not spend like 30 minutes just sitting in my car trying to calm my nerves before going inside and it wasn't until today that I noticed I'd consistently been doing that again recently. Around August my car was broken for nearly 2 months and because of that I wasn't really able to go anywhere non-essential during that time, and I feel like that's probably what's started this downward spiral, before then I'd pretty consistently went somewhere fun every other weekend, and uhhh now I don't do that ever at all. It definitely didn't help that a few weeks ago I was stuck in my house for an entire week due to snow, and that was not a fun week, I think I may have actually been traumatized from being stuck in isolation for years before because within a single day of that week I was breaking. I really need to find the motivation to actually go out and do something more frequently again, it'd probably be a lot healthier than just rotting away at home.

In general I've felt a lot more anxiety-ridden recently, and the last month especially has been like, really bad. For as long as I can remember, usually my mental state fucking plummets around the holidays, but it always rebounds pretty quickly around January, that did not happen this year, very fucked up. I don't even know why exactly I've felt so shit this month, like there have been a few bad things happen but like, nothing more than like the average of most months, and a lot worse things happened in the latter months of last year than this past month. Like, my job's been even more hellish than usual recently, but like, outside of work I can't really pinpoint much, and I've literally been feeling worse on days where I'm off than when I'm at work so like, I don't think it's only that. But yea anyways anxiety bad, I've been a lot more nervous and irritable lately and that's not really fun, and I have a lot of weird, bad habits I do when I'm nervous like running my hands through my hair or biting myself that I've been doing way more recently and like, my hands hurt, I literally have a light bite mark on my wrist right now and I wasn't even conscious I was biting my wrist until I started thinking about writing this.

Lalala work bad I hate work, work fucking SUCKS right now. There's like double the people there normally are and that's gonna remain the case for the next month at least and it's too fucking loud and people are scary and it's too fucking cold. Actually I think I figured out one of the reasons I feel like shit even on my days off recently, my schedule fucking sucks right now, I'm not even working that many hours but every week I'm alternating between having to wake up at like 6 a.m. and having to be at work at like nearly midnight and it's massively fucked up my sleep schedule and now I've just been eeping in like 2 hour intervals at completely random times throughout the day and I constantly feel eepy and some days I sleep like 1 hour and other days I sleep like 15 and I feel exhausted either way and now that I'm thinking about being eepy I'm getting eepy honk shoo honk shoo hoooonk mimimi that's a lie I'm not eeping I can't eep until I finish writing this otherwise I'll forgor everything I was gonna write zzzzzzz.

Lalalalalalalalalalala bangs pans together really loudly to scare away the demons of self-consciousness (not to be confused with the angels of self-consciousness which are actually far worse). Dude being a girl is really cool and all but like whoever invented gender dysphoria is really actually not my friend (it was god, god did it, mods invert god's controls until he apologizes). Like I've always kinda hated myself in a lot of ways, and feeling dysphoric about my body especially is not at all a new thing, me being trans isn't even a new thing, but like with each passing month it just feels like it gets worse and this month was a big spike. Also I started slowly coming out to most of my friends like 6 months ago and most of them have been like relatively fine about it, but I've like kinda sorta maybe (?) sorta lost 2 friends and like 2 isn't a big number but it still feels pretty shit to have 2 people you considered friends, even if not super close friends, just stop talking to you completely. Anyways I don't know how to write about this kind of stuff without being too embarrassed or internally dying so no more gender talk BEGONE!!! maybe I'll eventually make a full post about it that I don't just keep as a roughdraft, someday.

[norcalbruja]

Interlude: I hate winter

December 27, 2023: So for my synchronization suspicions, there is a little rubber snake toy on the cash register at work. He showed up around around late November or early December. Dec 10 is when I first took a photo of him, but he was there at least a week beforehand. Nobody knows who put him there, lol.

I cannot ignore the appearance of a Smoll Snake appearing at work, around the time I had a dream about Wakanda Forever, which Namor/Kukulkan--a Massive Unit Snake-Spirit--claims that he sent me.

Loki is occasionally stepping in to my headspace as either himself or as Tom-Hiddleston-Loki, and he is like... unusually cheerful about how "Christmas is over and soon working at your shitty job will be, too, Cyborg! New year, new life!"

I'm just going "Loki, please do not tell me this. Even without the pandemic or your reputation, I've heard way too many spirits be optimistic for no results. I don't want to get my hopes up again and end up still living at Mom's place, begging people to just LIKE AND SHARE MY ART POSTS. AGAIN."

And he's like "Aw come on, Cyborg. At least say the words, even if you don't mean them."

Christmas Eve and Christmas were mostly bearable, but yesterday was the really SHITTY day. Everyone ordered huge amounts of food as if they didn't just stuff their faces the night before on Christmas, and then they complained about the wait times. I was constantly thinking "MA'AMSIR, IT'S THE DAY AFTER CHRISTMAS. NOBODY TIED YOU UP AND HAULED YOU TO A BOWLING ALLEY."

With the kitchen having about two and a half people on duty (one new guy, one experienced cook who only worked until 5pm, and the assistant manager who is semi-experienced), they got swamped and had to put a hold on food orders until they finished everything they already had.

So when I got home, I was exhausted but ALSO mad, and that was obviously terrible for my already-insomniac ass.

Water-Spirit curled up in the spiritual "bed" with me, and he was like "you're home now, lovey. You just have one more day of work for this week."

And I was like "Thank you, but I'm probably working New Year's Eve >:( . Fucking hell, I hate having to work food-service instead of art."

Three hours later, he started doing the "mediating my prayers to Loki" thing and asking for help with my life again.

The Water-Spirit said something like "I cannot help her because I can't grant her wishes myself" again, and Loki's response to that part was (yet again) unusually nice and Not-Straight.

Loki was like, "Why are you lying to yourself, man? You always talk shit about ‘oh, I can’t grant wishes.’ As if that’s the only thing that matters." And he just flopped into bed with us.

And I was like, “Loki, he’s like this because of colonization. It’s not a secret. And I don’t think pep talks will work on a spirit.” But it reminded me of how all the other tricksters treat the Water-Spirit as like, their unlucky friend who Cannot Get A Fucking Break, even when he was still calling himself Haik.

As noted when Hera told the Water-Spirit that MAYBE your long-term project-partner/common-law-wife should know exactly who’s been working with her for several years now, Anansi also stepped in and was Uncharacteristically Nice about asking the Water-Spirit to reveal his true form—if not to me, then to HIM.

[sam-miniature-pigeon]

Hi, you haven't heard from me in a while but I had a very frustrating day and I want to vent about it.

I am a 911 and LEO dispatcher for my county. I love my job and just about my job. I don't like my coworkers and I loathe management.

Last night I was working with someone I am not the biggest fan of. She has been there 10 years and it does not show due to the amount of laziness she exhibits. At the end of the 8-hour shift I had taken 41 calls and she had taken 24 calls. This is because she is constantly in the bathroom, smoking, eating, or wandering around and not paying attention. She is logged out of her phone while she plays on her cell phone or browses Yahoo. Of course, this is not a problem for her- and if it is for someone else, it is never her fault. I did not complain to her, I did not really complain to others other than just answering their questions as to why she was not answering her phone. I was more than ready for the night to be over and was so happy when it hit 7 am and I could clock out and leave. I briefly talked to my other coworkers about the one I had just worked with, and then I went home.

On my way home, the brakes in my car went out. I've been having issues with my car but I refuse to fix it because I want a new one. I don't think I really expected it to fail the way it did. So it was very stressful getting home because I was unable to stop at all. I coasted through every stop sign and every light. I don't have extra or back up cars. My boyfriend and I's schedules conflict and I will not be able to borrow cars regularly. I need to buy a new car fast and I am worried I will feel rushed and make the wrong decision.

I finally get home and get a text from the coworker I worked with last night that read, "In the nicest way possible, were you complaining about me last night?" I chose to ignore it and leave it on delivered. I was too stressed to even entertain that. She then messaged me on Snapchat asking if I was upset. I left that on delivered, too. (I did the half-swipe trick.) I get a text from the coworker I was venting to telling me to watch out because a coworker who is known for being hated and causing trouble was texting the coworker I just worked with that we were "talking shit" about her.

I want to message her back being honest: I wasn't complaining, but I was answering questions honestly about why I was the only one answering phones last night. I'm not mad at you, but I am upset and frustrated. I don't care because I've grown to expect your behavior. You are a senior dispatcher of 10 years and you complain and complain how hard the job is, but you don't work. You never have any idea of what's going on in any call. You don't pay attention to anyone else in the room. Your training is a joke. You don't care what people think or say about you, but you're sneaking around with so-and-so to get the gossip or shit talk on you. You are being lazy and manipulative. You refuse conflict in person, you bombard me when I am at home over something you did no research or investigation on.

I am tired of playing high schooler with a 38 year old woman.

I feel like it may be smarter to play dumb. Though it's not much different from how she is being manipulative now. I feel it may be smarter to say, "No, I wasn't complaining about you. Why do you think that?" and see if she owns up to sneaking around. Though I know it'll never happen.

It's been such an exhausting day and I am so ready for it to be over. But I know it is only going to get worse from here with new management rolling in, new schedules, shift changes, court with her baby daddy that she can never leave at the door, my car issues, etc.