#idk i do just kind of wish i had stayed home again this year like usual rather than coming here i miss my cat it’s my first christmas away

[sdfckz]

new job is so fucking hard but im Adjusting. im Adjusting......its really lucrative and worth it in the long run and ik that. new place doesnt feel quite like home yet but its so beautiful and fancy and nice, like TOO fancy and beautiful and nice. it feels like a hotel lmao. i keep thinking "i wanna go home" while sitting at home. feel restless and exhausted at the same time. change is always just hard even if its objectively for the better..............but challenges create growth etc etc etc and the job really pushes me out of my comfort zone so thats a good thing. gotta try n get used to more things that are difficult for me. objectively a rlly good job theres nothing bad about it except that its not what i wanna do in the longrun. ik im in the right place for right now. my best friends are about to have a baby soon too and they moved in right downstairs. gonna be my sisters bridesmaid. we're building more on the property. its really beautiful in the summer, theres lightning bugs everywhere u look and the stars are so bright. camping there is great. everythings okey.

[grandlinedreams]

|| uhh i forgot the mating bond is just kind of a feelings/vibe pathway rather than talking so just assume reader is Daemati or smthing idk i'm too lazy to fix it and it's part of the fic

|| warnings: enemies(ish?) To lovers, mating bond fic, angst, some pining, cursing, nsfw ㅡ oral (f & m receiving), fingering, multiple orgasms, piv unprotected sex (make informed decisions, kids!), breeding kink

You'd always been a sucker for fairytales.

You'd grown up on a healthy dose of them, tales repeated over and over with the weary affection of your mother as you clamored for them again. 

And what young child wouldn't enjoy stories of knights and dragons and damsels in towers? Where the villain was always clear cut, good and bad measured in black and white.

Too bad the real world never dealt with such things. No, there was no prince to kiss you from a death-like slumber, no knight to rescue you from a tower.

But there is a Cauldron, the Mother ㅡ and whatever gods exist to laugh at the hand that they've dealt you.

That's the only reason you can think of as to why you, part of Rhysand's Inner Circle, can only stare in mute disbelief at Eris Vanserra as the mating bond, mocking you with the idea of shimmering gold, snaps into place. 

“Are you done moping yet?” 

“For the last time, Mor,” you huff as you turn the page of your book, “I'm not moping. I'm busy.” 

“Busy,” Mor mocks. “Looks like moping to me. You need to stop hanging out with Az so much.” 

She waits all of two minutes before she's moving towards you, knocking the book out of your hands to drape herself across you like a contented housecat. “Come on, you need to live a little.”

“I'm four hundred and fifty years old,” you counter, hating the way a smile twitches at the corners of your lips. “I think I've lived quite a lot so far.”

“Being a bore with books and training isn't living,” Mor protests with a huff. “You've been acting weird for the last two decades, don't deny it.” 

You freeze. “I have not.”

Honey brown eyes meet yours. “Have too. You've been acting weird ever since that run in withㅡ” 

You slap a hand over her mouth. “Don't,” you hiss, then recoil. “Did you just lick my hand?” 

Mor grins as you wipe your hand on the couch before she eyes you, brow furrowing.

“Seriously,” she says, her expression sobering. “Did he do something? Because you know Rhys would want to knowㅡ” 

“No, Mor.” You push her off of you and stand. “He didn't do anything.” 

Left, right, dodgeㅡ

“Somebody's in a mood,” Cassian pants as he narrowly avoids your fist to his jaw, his eyes gleaming as he studies you. “Normally I have to drag you out here to train.”

“You don't have to drag me anywhere,” you fire back, pushing hair out of your eyes. “Just felt like it was time for a tune up of hand to hand.”

“And I get to be the lucky punching bag? I'm honored.” Cassian straightens, and you hate the way he studies you ㅡ the way Mor did, equal parts concern and curiosity. “Are you okaㅡ”

“Cauldron boil me, I said I'm fine!” You know it isn't fair to snap at Cassian, but you've felt off kilter all morning ㅡ since Rhysand had told you of the impending arrival of Eris ㅡ presumably to discuss the ever shifting agreements in the tentative allyship with him. 

Just hearing his name had put you off of your breakfast ㅡ not out of indignant disgust, though you wished it were. Anything but the traitorous lurch of the bond you'd hoped would bury itself and remain forgotten. 

Mate, it whispers, an adder coiled in the back of your mind. Your mate. 

Only if it snapped in place for him too, you remind yourself viciously. Only if you accepted it. 

And you won't. Not now, not ever.

“There you are.”

You force yourself not to freeze, turning slowly to lock eyes with the one person you'd been doing your best to pretend wasn't staying in your home. 

Eris eyes you, and the lazy trace over your legs and back up makes you want to slug him and preen in equal measure, the latter only adding to your mounting irritation. “What do you want, Eris?” 

He huffs, eyes gleaming. “Now, is that any way to talk to a guest?”

Pretentious asshole. Your teeth clench hard enough you think something might pop as you exhale. “My apologies,” you grit out, “how can I help you?” 

Eris’ eyes gleam, and you get the distinct impression that he's laughing at you. Not just at you, but at the shimmering coil in your head that sings in his proximity. 

He approaches and you take one wary step back after the other until your back meets smooth wall ㅡ and Eris is in front of you. He's devastatingly handsome, staring at you with an intensity that makes you want to punch him.

It also makes you want to ㅡ no. No. 

“Back off,” you hiss. 

“Or what?” He's taunting you. “If i were a lesser male, I'd think you'd been avoiding me.” His eyes glitter as he leans in. To anyone who could stumble upon the scene, it'd look…intimate. “But that can't possibly be what you're doing, right?” 

You should hit him. Tell him to fuck off, to get away from you ㅡ to leave entirely. You hate how he eyes you, the simmering song that your veins respond with in kind.

“Come on, little rabbit,” he exhales, voice low and almost a purr. “Where are those teeth you showed me last time?” 

You snarl, hand fisting into his shirt ㅡ and you yank him to meet your lips. It's an aggressive kiss across the board, teeth and tongue as he shoves you further against the wall, and you hate how something in you purrs at the pressure. 

This, at the very least, is horribly familiar. His touch is not unknown on your body, the snake of warm fingers against your sides so eerily similar to the handful of rendezvous so many years ago, a lifetime ago, before ㅡ 

Mate. A bond untethered, unanswered ㅡ and icy water douses the ignition of flame in your lower belly, sours the warm lips against your neck. 

“Get off me,” you rasp, ripping yourself free. “The next time you touch me, I'll cut your hands off.” 

“I want to get drunk.” 

“Hello to you too,” Mor blinks up at you, studying the tension in your shoulders. “Any special occasion or…? I feel like I should intervene if this is going to be a bad idea.” 

“Since when have you turned down a reason to go to Rita's?” 

Mor only frowns at you, then gentles her tone as she sets a hand on your shoulder with a call of your name. “Tell me what's going on,” she murmurs. “You've got us all worried, babe. Talk to me.” 

You debate telling her to forget it, to take it out in the training ring or to simply take a good, long walk along the Sidra ㅡ and then Mor presses gently, “Is it Eris?” 

You tense further, and she looses a curse. “I knew it was a bad idea to have him stay here. If he put his hands on youㅡ” 

“Mor,” you cut in. “It's not…not like that. Not anymore.” One eyebrow raises at the anymore, curious as she watches you. You exhale slowly. “My mating bond snapped into place.” 

Her eyes widen, and you can't stand the sympathy in her eyes ㅡ the idea that you're a star-crossed lover, helplessly in love with someone you aren't Cauldron-bound to. If only ㅡ perhaps you could handle that a little better than being bound to the person you are in love with. 

Who's never shown a hint that the bond has snapped into place for him. Never wanted you for more than the intervals of hands and teeth, murmured filth and promises that'd made your toes curl ㅡ and been all too happy to pretend you didn't exist except for those moments. 

“Oh,” Mor says, and your chest aches. She, of all people, knows how Eris is ㅡ and the way she stares at you makes it worse. “Oh, honey.”

She doesn't coddle you, because there are no tears to shed ㅡ you buried those along with your end of the bond, thrown a shield around it, tried to forget. You had no Prince, no Knight. 

(You'd never been good at being a damsel, anyways.)

You don't know what Mor says to the others, but you don't really care when it lands you at Rita's, snug between Cassian and Azriel and all too happy to drown your woes in the sharp tang of alcohol. 

You don't need coddling or pampering ㅡ you know what you need, and it drives you from the safety of your brothers, joining Mor to chase the pounding thrum of music. 

You're not sure when you end up with an unfamiliar Fae male's hands on you, only that you simply grin and welcome the advance, the simmering promise in his eyes to give you what you need to forget the ache in your chest ㅡ at least for tonight. 

And maybe tomorrow. And perhaps the next ㅡ whatever and however long it took for Eris to leave, to let you bury that bond back down where it belongs. 

It's as his lips are brushing over your neck that he's wrenched away from you and you blink, admonishment on your lips ㅡ and it dies a quiet, quick death at the absolute fury blazing in Eris Vanserra's eyes. Not at you, no ㅡ at the male who'd been touching you.

“Get your rutting hands off of what isn't yours,” he all but snarls, and you watch as the male disappears back into the crowd before Eris is focusing on you. “And you. Come with me. Now.” 

Some of the drowsy edge of alcohol is beginning to wear off, and you blink before your eyes narrow. “No.” 

A muscle in Eris’ jaw jumps. “We need to talk.” 

Defiance ignites in your veins, fueled by alcohol, the ruined distraction (from the very male before you), and the irritation that he won't just leave you alone. 

But maybe this is what you need ㅡ that final nail in the coffin, the claws to finally dig the bond out by the roots and get rid of it once and for all. 

So you grit your teeth, shoving hard against the ache of your chest as you bite out a flat, “Fine.” 

The trip back to the House of Wind is silent, tension rolling off both of you in waves. Eris doesn't so much as look at you, but the set of his jaw says he's still pissed. About what, you don't know ㅡ he's the one who came to crash your little party, acting as though he has a right to you.

He doesn't. The only claim he can say he has is the times he's made you cum on his fingers. You refuse to look at him, to entertain whatever self-righteous game he thinks he deserves to play. 

This is your home, not his. Regardless of how tonight ends, you will not be the one leaving. 

Somehow, be it for better or worse, you end up in your room. Eris surveys it, taking in all the little pieces that make this yours, then turns towards you.

Arms crossed over your chest, you raise an eyebrow. “Well? Talk, or get out. I don't appreciate you ruining my night.”

Anger flares, smoldering as Eris offers a terse, “I don't appreciate you letting other males touch you like that.” 

You scoff. “You don't get to boss me around, Eris,” you hiss. Your voice is sharp. “You make it sound as if you're my mate.” 

Eris’ eyes blaze, the flicker of flame at his fingertips as he snaps back, “Because I am, damn it!” 

You freeze. 

Eris, so much like the wildfire he embodies, keeps going. “I'm trying not to act like some feral animal, but you make it so hard not to when you parade around like that, it makes me want toㅡ” He cuts himself off. 

The silence between you is brittle, cracking under the strain of things unsaid ㅡ and then you break the silence.

“Makes you want to do what, Eris?” A gentle, tentative tug at that bond ㅡ reeling at the presence on the other side, an answer after decades of silence. 

His eyes lock with yours as he steps towards you. This time, you don't take a step back. “It almost makes me want to apologize to everyone who's about to hear you scream my name.”

You don't respond, but you don't have to. The shiver ripples through the bond, the blown quality of Eris’ pupils before he pounces. 

His mouth is hot against yours, demanding in ways both familiar and not as you moan, fingers digging at your hip before you're backed against the wall next to your dresser. Something clatters to the floor, but you can't bring yourself to care about anything but the wedge of Eris’ leg between your own. 

He licks into your mouth, muffling the choked sound as he grinds his thigh up against your core. You shudder at the spark of pleasure that ignites, a reflexive jerk of your hips to chase it as Eris nips at your jaw. 

“Tell me how many others have seen you like this,” he murmurs darkly against your skin, “so I know how many times to make you come so you'll forget anyone but me.”

You want to answer, you truly do ㅡ but he takes your beat of silence as a prompt to tense his thigh, and it wipes your mind blissfully clear of anything but the molten warmth pooling between your legs. 

It should be embarrassing, rutting against his thigh like some desperate animal in heat, but Eris meets every tiny noise that leaves your lips with approving nips of teeth in your skin and the wander of his hands to pull at your clothing until he meets bare skin. 

His fingers work from your hips to your navel, then to your ribs ㅡ and then he's pinching at your nipples, turning them to achingly stiff peaks as you groan and rock your hips harder against his thigh. 

And then he's slipping it away, leaving you to tremble and pant as you watch him. He could leave you like this, desperate and aching ㅡ and his eyes darken in answer before he's backing you against the dresser. More things clatter to the floor, but Eris doesn't give you time to care with the way he lifts you onto the now empty surface.

His mouth is hot against your neck, drifting to your collarbone, then to your chest ㅡ nipping and sucking marks you're sure will bruise ㅡ and then your abdomen, your core clenching around nothing when you realize his intent.

Lacquered wood creaks in protest beneath the hard curl of your hands on the dresser, fighting the urge to dig your hand into Eris’ hair as he takes his sweet time sucking marks into your thighs. “Eris,” you huff, head spinning with heady arousal and the remnants of alcohol, “please.” 

That deceptively soft mouth pauses as he looks up at you, eyes wildfire-bright. “Oh,” he murmurs, “say that again.” 

You blink before there's the barest drag of his tongue against your folds, prompting a sharp gasp and a whine when he doesn't repeat it.

“Come on,” he coaxes, watching you in a way that makes you want to smack him. Your frustration must echo down the bond, because all he does is laugh. “Manners, darling. Manners.” 

You squirm as he nips just shy of where you want him, and you groan. “Please,” you exhale, and Eris smirks.

“Much better.” 

And then his tongue is on you before you can curse at him, lips parting around a moan as he begins to work at your aching core. Your hand finds his hair at the same time that he flicks his tongue over your clit, and the answering groan that you get makes your eyes roll. 

Despite never having had his mouth on you like this before (not for lack of want, truly), Eris seems to know how to get the loudest sounds from you. Your head thumps against the mirror behind you, fingers curled tight in his hair as he works you steadily towards orgasm. 

His eyes don't miss anything, locked on your face and the way it contorts in pleasure, lips parted as you writhe and pant. It feeds his own pleasure, the steady ache of his cock in his pants as he renews his efforts. 

Your orgasm builds like a storm cloud, the ever tightening knot in your lower belly that has you at the mercy of the male between your legs. Eris knows how close you are ㅡ how can he not, with the way your thighs tremble, the steady leak of arousal against his tongue ㅡ and there's no small amount of pride to have you this desperate with just his mouth. 

The knot snaps when Eris digs the tip of his tongue against your swollen bundle of nerves and you arch with a sharp cry. He follows the shudder and jerk of your hips as you come, tongue rolling over your hot, pulsing core to swallow everything you have to offer. 

You whine as he works you through your orgasm until you're pulling him away, panting as he presses damp kisses to your thigh. “I certainly hope I haven't worn you out already,” he murmurs, and your breath hitches as warmth simmers between your legs again. 

Part of you wants to tell him that this is nowhere near the kind of talking the two of you need to do, to discuss the bond, to decide if you accept it or not. But you're shoving at him, single minded intent in the way you back him against the wall and sink to your knees.

If Eris is surprised at the way you shove at him, he hides it well, dark eyes tracking as you as you thumb at his hip bones, popping the button of his pants and tugging ㅡ leaving him bare before you. And then your mouth is on him, and it's hard to think about anything at all. 

There's pride to be had in watching his face contort with pleasure as you lick precum from his tip, sliding your tongue against the underside and feeling him throb in answer before you take him into your mouth. 

Eris groans as you envelop him in the wet warmth of your mouth, the deliberate press of your tongue against the underside of his shaft as you suck. 

“Fuck,” Eris swears, voice rough and hips jerking with a hiss when you hum around him. You can feel him throbbing, the steady leak of precum that slides down your throat as you swallow. 

His hand finds your hair, an echo of your own just moments ago and you let him guide you along his length. His chest rises and falls unsteadily, the glisten of sweat at his neck and chest, the soft grunt that leaves his throat when you suck harder. 

You watch his head hit the wall with a muffled thump as you curl your tongue against his underside, hips jerking once, twice ㅡ and then he's spilling down your throat with a groan that borders on obscene. 

You swallow before you pull back, and Eris pants as you bring a hand up to wipe at your lips. He watches you, tracking the way you slide your finger into your mouth to clean it ㅡ and then he's yanking you up, pinning you against the wall once more to kiss you.

It's an all encompassing kiss, sounds muffled as he presses into you hard enough that you can feel the stir of his cock against the apex of your thigh.  

“Eris,” you gasp against his mouth. “Eris, stop.”

He pulls away, eyes on yours ㅡ and the flicker of genuine concern makes your chest ache. “We need to talk,” you say, as if you aren't both in varied states of undress ㅡ or your mouth wasn't around his cock just a moment ago. “Actually talk.” 

You almost expect him to ignore you, to press for this ㅡ but his expression sobers, and it almost hurts to watch that desire for you snuff out like candlelight. “Okay.” 

Part of you wonders if Mor and the others are home yet, or if they'd heard the two of you ㅡ and wisely decided to make themselves scarce, because the house is as quiet as it's ever been.

Eris still looks far more composed than you feel, and you take a steadying breath as you wrap your fingers around the comforting warmth of the mug of tea before you. “...How long have you known?” 

You don't have to clarify, the gentle tug on the bond that's answered in kind on the other. “A while,” Eris answers, and it hurts that he seems focused on anything but you as he exhales. “You have no idea how badly I wanted to ask you to stay last time you were in Autumn Court.” 

Something dangerously soft unfurls in your chest, renders you mute as you study the curl of steam from your mug. You could have.

Eris’ eyes flick to you, then away. We both know that isn't true.

He's right. You never would have, and he would never have asked ㅡ you love Velaris, you love your family too much to ever stray too far. Perhaps that was also why you'd spent so long shoving the mating bond down, pretending it didn't exist ㅡ so that if it did snap in place for Eris, you wouldn't have to confront what you are now.

All you can feel is the ache, echoed in tandem, the way you almost wish that it wasn't there at all ㅡ and you recoil from the hurt on his end. He exhales. “Do you really…”

You curl in on yourself. “No,” you mumble, “I just ㅡ I'm terrified, Eris. We both know what we won't give up, and I don't…I don't know how we're expecting this to work.”

Eris is silent for several long moments before he moves, and there's the press of warm fingers against your jaw, coaxing you to look up ㅡ and then he's kissing you.

It's sweet, gentle ㅡ and it only makes you hurt worse as he pulls away to kiss the corner of your mouth, then your forehead. “We'll figure it out.” 

ㅡ

When I said we'd figure it out, this is not what I thought we'd be doing. 

You can feel his annoyance, the flare of it at your answering amusement. It's what's working right now. 

So you say. He falls silent, and you resume tying your leathers. What exactly are you up to, anyways? 

Training. You finish, making sure that they're in place properly before you exit your room. 

Such a shame I'm not there to admire you. 

Your heart, the stupid thing, gives a soft flutter that you know Eris is undoubtedly aware of. More like distract me.

Would that be so bad? You roll your eyes, shaking your head. You're the one who's holding out on me, love. Don't think I've forgotten.

That you haven't technically accepted the bond, that you'd instead offered what the two of you have been doing for the last few weeks since Eris returned to Autumn Court. Which was, in truth, perhaps, a coward's way out. 

Because for all your jabs and steady ebb and flow through the bond, you're still terrified. That though the Cauldron had given you him, he could still be taken away. 

There's the distinct feeling of warm fingers against your mind, stroking ㅡ trying to settle you. I've waited this long for you, you know.

Sunlight warms your skin. I bet I have you beat in terms of waiting. 

We'll see about that.

“There you are,” Cassian calls as you approach. “Thought I was going to have to drag your lazy ass out of bed.”

“As if,” you snap back, but you're grinning as you stretch. Cassian smirks, eyes gleaming ㅡ relieved that you're back to normal, if not perhaps a little cheerier than you have been in a while. 

No doubt in large part to me, right? You almost drop your practice dagger, rolling your eyes as you square off in front of Cassian. 

Not everything has to involve you, you answer, knowing that the barb isn't anywhere near as vicious as it could be. 

But it could, Eris answers. As I said, such a shame I'm not there to admire you. He pauses. Shall I tell you? Or let you imagine on your own?

Your movement stutters for a second as you swing too wide, rolling backwards to avoid Cassian's own lunge at you. I'm busy. 

So you're not imagining my head between your legs again? He sounds all too pleased with himself, with the way you fall silent ㅡ abruptly thinking of that exact thing, much to his amusement. Because I am. You're so cruel, not allowing me the pleasure of fucking you with my tongue again.

You block a blow meant for your middle, swinging your leg out. Sweat drips down your temple, the familiar ache of your body that sparring always gives you ㅡ and more, the curl of warmth at Eris’ words. 

Or maybe I should have let you finish on my thigh first. You certainly were eager. Your breath stutters. Or perhaps my fingers next? I wonder how many you can take. Last time it was two, yes? Should we try for a third? He pauses, ever the satisfied fox for how your end of the bond goes silent still. Or perhaps you'd prefer my coㅡ 

Eris. He's laughing at you now, amusement echoing even as you throw up the barrier, blocking him out. 

Across from you, Cassian eyes you. He's aware of that far-away look, the snap to clarity once more before your eyes narrow on him. “Don't,” you intone in warning, and he grins.

“What? I didn't say anything.” He straightens, dusting off one of his bracers, the gleam of the siphons in mid-day sun before he approaches to clap you on the shoulder. “I'd pay to watch you shut him up in person, though.” 

“That,” you murmur, “could probably be arranged.”

ㅡ

To be fair, you don't bake a lot. And it'd taken an inordinate amount of courage to ask Elain to help you, the soft, knowing look she'd shot you that'd made your cheeks color. 

But she'd helped you knead dough, rolling it out and crimping it into place so that now you had a pie. 

A pie that mocks you with the simplicity of it, the last minute effort of adding coarse sugar to the top so that it glitters like the frozen crests of the mountains. Simple ㅡ perhaps too simple. 

Nothing like the elaborate things you've seen in windows of bakeries, in glossy magazines ㅡ you've never been good at that. Decent yes, but never so to recreate anything so elaborate.

You groan, pillowing your head into your arms ㅡ only to lift it a moment later at the crisp, Autumnal scent that invades your senses. As if you'd need even that ㅡ there's the familiar tug at the bond that has you watching as Eris strolls through the door. 

You don't leap into his arms. You don't even tackle him ㅡ but there is a swiftness to your gait that has you against him in a heartbeat, face tucked into his neck. 

“Well,” he murmurs, “was my presence missed that badly?”

“Shut up,” you huff, but there's no venom ㅡ not when the knotted tension in your chest is easing, made quicker for the arms that wind around you, tucking you tighter against him. 

“Here I thought you'd be so glad to have me back,” Eris sighs in mock-lament. “Your beloved mate had to find a believable enough excuse as to why I had to come here. Don't you think that deserves a kiss?”

You roll your eyes good-naturedly, even as the little bit of truth to your situation sinks home. Autumn Court is beautiful ㅡ but there's good reasons as to why Eris doesn't want you there more than absolutely necessary. Reasons that you forcefully shut out, instead studying his face ㅡ just as he spots the pie.

“What,” he murmurs, “is that?”

Your cheeks warm, even as you scoff. “A pie.” 

“Obviously,” Eris says, arm still slung around your waist. “But where did it come from?”

You study the wood paneling, the carefully detailed artwork from Feyre when she'd stayed here. The cabin isn't often used ㅡ and when you'd asked for usage of it, Rhysand had the audacity to smirk at you. Eris prompts you with a call of your name, and you almost contemplate winnowing and trying again later. 

“Me,” you answer finally. “I made it. For you.” 

Eris freezes against you. You can feel the weight of his gaze on you before there are warm fingers on your chin, coaxing you to look at him ㅡ the only warning that you get before he's kissing you. 

You can feel the grip he has at your waist as he backs you until you meet the counter, your noise of surprise muffled by his mouth. “Eris,” you manage when he pulls away for a moment, “I worked hard on that pieㅡ” 

“And I'll happily eat it,” he huffs against your neck, voice low and rough as he lifts you onto the counter, slotting himself between your legs. “I'm busy right now.” 

You want to protest, but his teeth are bruising over your pulse, making you shudder and lean away, giving him more room to work. It earns you a low growl of approval as he busies himself with sucking marks into the column of your throat. 

One hand curls against his shoulder as the other slides into his hair, earning a groan when your nails curl against his scalp. Warm fingers slide up beneath your shirt to yank it upwards, contact of his mouth broken long enough to toss your shirt somewhere else ㅡ and then he's mouthing at your chest, tongue sliding over one achingly stiff nipple and then the other.

“Eris,” you exhale, “godㅡ” 

He nips sharply at the underside of your breast. “There are no gods here, love. Only me, and I don't share.” 

It's spoken in the tone you know is that primal edge of the bond, the innate need to take you ㅡ that'll have him near feral for days if another male so much as looks at you. It thrums in your veins, feeding your need to answer in kind as he grinds down against you, hard pressure against your core making your eyes flutter. 

And then he's pulling away to tug at your pants, kissing his way down one leg and then the other ㅡ and then that sinful mouth is on your core, just as he'd promised. The roll of his tongue has you moaning, hand in his hair to keep him from pulling away ㅡ even though you know he won't. 

You have no doubts that you're absolutely soaking as he presses into you like a man starved, keeping your legs parted as he fucks you with his tongue. Your back arches as he sucks at your clit, the sharp, broken cry that makes him smirk against your aching core. 

Your orgasm is looming, brought ever closer by every curl and roll of Eris’ tongue as you pant and writhe, fingers of the hand not occupied in his hair scrabbles for purchase against the counter beneath you.

As he'd done weeks ago, Eris works you through your orgasm as it washes over you like a thunderclap, letting up only once your noises have been reduced to whimpers and you're tugging at his hair.

Warm, damp kisses trail up your abdomen to your chest before Eris kisses you, and you moan at both the taste of yourself on his tongue and the fingers that he slides into you. 

You're slick enough that the slip of them is easy, and Eris groans at the way you tighten around him as he works you open. The stretch of his fingers has you keening and arching into him as his thumb finds your clit. 

“I told you,” he murmurs, “how I intended to admire you. But you making all of these infernal noisesㅡ” He curls his fingers and you keen, hips jerking against his hand. “And it makes it hard to stay focused.” 

You wish you could answer, you really do ㅡ but the way he's working you towards a second orgasm has robbed you of any eloquence beyond shuddering gasps and hiccuped moans. 

“My pretty mate,” Eris groans into your neck. He can feel the way you tighten as your orgasm nears, the lewd sound of his fingers as they thrust in and out of you. His cock throbs in his pants, and it's self-control alone that keeps him from spilling into his pants as you soak his hand as you come for the second time, making such pretty noises that Eris swears it's all he wants to hear for the rest of his immortal life.

He finally has the courtesy to lift you off of the counter, a slick mess left behind that he entertains the idea of making you clean up later with a hand in your hair and his cock in you as he takes you from behind ㅡ and the answering flare of arousal from you almost makes him want to do it now. 

But it's the soft plush of a bed that meets your bare back, legs parted to welcome the settle of Eris between them ㅡ deliciously bare, erection just shy of where you want him.

And despite the two orgasms he's coaxed from you, you have no qualms in telling him as you rock your hips up, head tipping back against the bed. “Fuck me properly, Eris.”

He raises an eyebrow, a Cauldron-sent menace as he tongues at the marks he's left on you, strawberry blossoms he's made sure will get the point across. “Ask nicely, love.”

You huff, then knock your leg against his hip, rolling so that you're straddling him now, hands planted against his chest. “You need to put that mouth to better use than pissing me off.”

“I already did,” Eris answers, cocky gleam to his eyes that makes you roll your own before he's hissing as you take him into your hand, guiding him to your slick entrance before you sink down.

“Being my mate doesn't excuse you annoying me,” you say, tone shaky for the way pleasure spiderwebs at the stretch of him inside you, the golden whisper of finally, finally, finally.

Eris’ expression is also taut as you clench around him before he offers a rough, “Say it again.” 

You stare down at him, aware of the way his pupils have blown so far you can't tell the color of his eyes anymore, the steady throb of his cock inside you. You don't have to ask what he wants you to say.

 You stretch over him, the slow roll of your hips that has him gripping at you even as your lips meet the delicate arch of his ear and you offer a breathy sigh. “My mate.” 

Eris snaps. You can't even yelp as you're flipped back into the sheets, moan leaving your hips as he bucks into you. The pace is aggressive enough that the bed creaks in protest beneath you, but you can't bring yourself to care. 

Nothing matters beyond the hard thrust of him inside you, tip knocking against that spot inside you that has you making sounds that'd put a pleasure-hall to shame. Your fingers curl against his back, rewarded with a groan that makes you tighten around him further as his hips roll steadily against yours. 

“Mine,” Eris huffs against your hair, then your temple, then your neck, the graze of his teeth making you shudder and arch into him. “Mine.”

Yours,” you gasp, choked cry ripped from you at the sink of his teeth against your skin.

One hand anchors him over you as the other skims over your breasts and down your abdomen to rub tight circles into your swollen clit. The contact makes you keen, and Eris huffs a rough laugh as you clench around him.

“Gonna come already, love?” You offer something that might be words, garbled and incoherent for the way pleasure is overloading your brain. It amuses Eris further as he watches your expression contort, the part of those pretty, kiss-swollen lips of yours as you mewl and moan.

“Two orgasms and still so needy…” He offers a playful click of his tongue. “Insatiable.”

As if he's faring better given that he's opted to simply grind his pelvis against yours now, intent on staving off his own orgasm for as long as he can in order to continue tormenting you with the pleasurable sink of his cock inside you. 

“Want you to come in me,” you rasp, a moment of clarity that makes Eris freeze above you for all of ten seconds ㅡ and then he's moving again, groaning as he fucks into you with renewed vigor.

“My pretty mate wants me to fill her up, huh?” He goads, slick fingers pinching at your nipple and tugging until you're crying out. “Want me to fuck you full of my seed? Go ahead and put a baby in you so everyone knows who you belong to?”

You don't get to respond because you're cumming hard, clamped hard around him as he manages one, two, three unsteady thrusts before Eris is pushing as deep into you as he can and groaning your name into your neck as he spills into you. The warmth of it makes you almost squeal, arching into him before he's settling over you, sweat slick-skin and a heartbeat to match yours. 

The next several moments are silent save for heavy breathing and the soft noise Eris makes as you drift your hand up and down his back. 

“Worth the wait?” Eris asks at last, and you pretend to think long enough that Eris pinches at your side in protest. “If you don't answer me, I'll just have to keep outdoing myself until you say otherwise.” 

“Is that so bad?” You challenge, and you can feel the twitch of him inside you, the way he's stiffening as his eyes flash.

“No,” he growls, “not at all.”

[okaylorrainee]

her way of water

characters. neteyam & female metkayina reader. sully family. tsireya.

synopsis. neteyam and his family left their clan to seek uturu from yours. on their first night, neteyam wanders by the shore to clear his mind. he finds himself away from everyone’s marui pods and comes across you as you bathed - he couldn’t get you out of his mind since then.

contains. aged up characters but only by a few years. timeline and some parts of the plot of the movie may be ignored. sometimes out of character.

note. hello! welcome to my first avatar ff :)! this was supposed to be a one shot, but as i wrote it, i’ve decided one part isn’t enough. sorry if any parts of the story seem weird. i still have a lot to learn about the na’vi. do they even bathe? idk. english is not my first language so please feel free to correct me if i get anything wrong! also, this may be the first avatar ff i’ve ever written and published but it might not be the last so stay tuned!

Ch 01 [ masterlist . next ]

he tossed and turned, unable to sleep. a low grunt left his lips as he sat up in frustration. he looked around and his family was in deep slumber, perhaps due to exhaustion from all of the water training they’ve done all day. he wished he could be the same, then at least he’d silence the sadness he felt from leaving his home. 

neteyam didn’t want to voice it out too much. he knew it was harder for his parents, especially for his mother whose whole life was the forest. he refused to burden the family with his emotions, so he suppressed them, like the responsible eldest son he always was.

he sighed, making his way out of their family pod. he didn’t know where he was going at this time of the night, but he just allowed his feet to keep going. wherever he’d end up, he’d just make sure to find his way back again before the sun rises. because tomorrow was another day to learn the ways of the metkayina, to be one of them. 

neteyam uttered not a single word, and nothing but the sound of waves surrounded him. the breeze accompanied him as he walked, his hair flowing with the wind that the beads braided with them collided every now and then. he found the air relaxing, that every time he inhaled he felt like his lungs were being cleansed from how fresh it was.

awa’atlu was indeed a very beautiful place, but neteyam adored his clan’s forest more.

neteyam found himself by the edge of the shore. beside him stood the palm trees that formed the forest he has yet to explore. thinking he had gone too far away from the village, neteyam was about to turn and walk back, until he heard low humming come from his left, the parallel of the village’s front. 

curious, he carefully approached and followed the sound. the humming got louder as he got closer. and soon, a figure came into view in front of him. it was a silhouette of a metkayina na’vi, waist deep within the water, staring into the vast ocean in front of her.

neteyam hadn’t felt his eyes gape at the sight of her. she was undressed, nothing but her long hair covering parts no one but only her future mate should see. her skin was wet and the freckles all around her body made her glow. this kind of scene should not be new to him, after all, he too had freckles that glowed in the dark. but for some reason, neteyam seemed to be so mesmerized by her that he found it hard to look away. only when her whispers of singing reached his ears once more did he realize that he was staring at this naked na’vi woman. he immediately turned away and hid behind a palm tree.

neteyam’s cheek burned from embarrassment. just what was he doing? but actually, what was she doing? at this time of the night while the rest of the clan was asleep, she was here apparently bathing at the opposite side of the village’s island. for someone who spends so much time in the water, this metkayina woman had the thought of washing herself in the middle of the night - neteyam found it a bit odd.

however, he stood still from his spot. he didn’t want to walk away, he was curious as to what she might be up to. this wasn’t weird, right? it’s not like he was watching her. he was simply… waiting.

a couple of minutes passed but nothing else happened. she continued doing whatever it was she was doing by the water, creating small splashing sounds here and there while humming another song different from the previous one. this whole time, neteyam was leaning on the tree, staring at the sand and doing nothing. but he had to admit, instead of being bored out of his mind, he enjoyed his time listening to her voice.

soon enough another gentle splash came from behind him, it sounded different from the ones before, indicating that she might be leaving the water. neteyam felt a sudden wave of nervousness, worried she might find him. so without looking back, he quickly ran to the direction of the village, moving carefully to not alert her of his presence.

it had been long since then. hours had passed and the sun had risen. neteyam and his siblings were once again under the care of the olo’eyktan’s children to learn about metkayina customs. today, they were polishing their riding skills with ilus.

tsireya and her brother were watching the sullys from near the shore, both mounted on their ilu companions. ao’nung spent most of the time snickering as he watched lo’ak fail over and over, and tsireya would smack him to make him stop. she flashes a gentle smile to lo’ak when he peeks to look in her direction, and he nods at her trying to appear cool before getting thrown off once more for losing focus. she giggled, lo’ak appeared very cute to her.

tsireya shifted her eyes to the others. kiri and tuk, who were accompanied by ao’nung’s friend, rotxo, seemed to be doing better than their brother. tsireya noticed how kiri appeared to be a natural at everything they have taught them so far, and she thinks it may be because of the special kind of connection kiri had with nature. but tsireya didn’t comment on it any further, she had only met them yesterday.

meanwhile, neteyam was alone on the far right of the group. tsireya noted how neteyam was quick to adapt and learn, and that it wasn’t difficult to teach him. compared to his brother, neteyam took things slow at first and it made him grasp the idea of riding the ilus easily. 

tsireya hadn’t missed how distracted neteyam looked today. he was paused above the water, staring at it in deep thought as he held his ilu in place. tsireya wondered if something was wrong, so she motioned her ilu to swim to neteyam’s direction.

“hey, neteyam.” she said to catch his attention.

the said man lightly jolted before turning to her. “oh, tsireya, hey.”

her brows furrowed in worry. “is everything alright, neteyam? it seems like you are unable to concentrate today.”

neteyam’s cheeks flushed. “i am okay, tsireya. there is no need to worry.” 

she hummed, still not convinced. “well, alright. but if there is anything we can help you with, let us know.” she turned to swim away. but before she could get farther, neteyam called her.

“actually, tsireya, there is something that’s been on my mind for hours now.” he started. “but you must not let anyone know.”

curious, tsireya went closer to him. “what is it?”

he let out a deep breath before shooting her eyes a serious look. “last night as i was taking a walk by the shore, i came across a woman who was alone at the opposite side of the village.”

tsireya pulled away in shock and interest. “metkayina? what was she doing?”

neteyam nodded then gestured for her to lean closer again. he whispered, “she was bathing, i think.”

“bathing? that is strange.” she tilted her head in confusion. “did you approach her?”

neteyam shook his head. “no. i could not bring myself to interrupt her. she was undressed after all. how would she react if a man came to her while in such a state?”

tsireya nodded in thought, agreeing to what he said. “you are right. did you see what she looked like?”

neteyam sighed. “no, but i listened to her sing.” he spoke. “she has one of the most beautiful voices i have ever heard. her tone almost made me fall asleep from how relaxed i was, you see. and her skin,” he sighed once again, “tsireya, i had only caught a glimpse of it because i had to turn away. but i could not forget how divine she looked around the glow of the bioluminescence surrounding her.”

tsireya couldn’t hide the smirk that was growing from her lips as she listened to him talk. when she didn’t respond, neteyam turned away in embarrassment when he realized what he was saying. tsireya covered her lips and giggled. “so, you have developed a crush on this woman you saw last night. is that it, neteyam?”

“be quiet, tsireya! the others might hear you.” he scouted the surroundings and saw that everyone else was still busy with their training. “but… i don’t know for sure. i told you because i don’t know what she looks like, and i am hoping that you might know who she is.”

tsireya shook her head. “i am sorry, neteyam. i do not know who you are talking about.”

a slight frown becomes visible on his face. neteyam’s shoulders dropped in defeat. “oh. that’s okay.”

“but hey, do not worry.” she placed a hand on his arm as a gesture to comfort him. “i will help you look for her. there is not anyone in this village i am not familiar with. perhaps with more details, we can figure out who she is.”

neteyam gives her a small smile. “thank you, tsireya.”

she smiles back. 

loud laughter from everyone else in the group interrupted their conversation - lo’ak had fallen off his ilu once again because ao’nung had taunted him. tsireya and neteyam exchanged looks before heading to the commotion.

-

tsireya enjoyed spending time with the sullys. she thought they were a very fun bunch. when they arrived, her days became something she started to look more forward to.

because she believed this arrangement would be permanent from now on, she thought it would be important for an acquaintance of hers to be introduced to the sullys as well. it would happen eventually anyway since they would become fellow clan members soon. 

also, tsireya believed this acquaintance of hers would be a great addition to the sullys’ circle, especially from all the trouble her brother and his friends were bringing them. tsireya was sure that a kind and open-minded na’vi would make her new friends feel more welcome. that, and she needed another capable hand to help teach the sullys better.

“sister, are you here?” tsireya peeked inside the marui of her friend.

you turned your head to her direction, away from the new top you were working on. a smile appears on your face when you see your friend. “tsireya, it is nice to see you.”

©️ okaylorrainee 2023. please do not re-upload, translate my content anywhere without permission.

ch 01 [ masterlist . next ]

[agirlwholovesrockstars]

don't you forget about me

☆ EDDIE MUNSON'S MASTERLIST ☆

❣ AGATHA'S MAIN PAGE ❣

๑ Summary : will you be true to your word that you won't forget about Eddie when both of you stood on your ground with your hopes and dreams succeeded?

๑ Word Count : idk if y'all like longer fics, but I'm just eyeballing it on the right amount, I'm so excited for this one hehe

๑ Warnings : 18+ Songwriter!Eddie Munson x Popstar!FEM!reader, cursing, use of y/n, highschool classmates, set in modern era (but with 80's aesthetics) Eddie is (21), reader is (20), Eddie is also very shy doesn't know how to express he feels but he cares, reader is jittery and rambles when she's nervous! VERY CUTE! I promise :))

๑ What to Expect : friends to lovers, unrequited feelings, FLUFF! this can be slightly awkward but I am a woman of my word it would be absolutely adorable!

๑ Note To Reader : I just had this idea that Eddie and reader while reunite after so many years later and they both can't handle that their friendship has never changed! it's still pretty rock solid! 😭🫶🏻✨

๑ Author Note : I worship John Hughes films, so, you know the drill! 😉 and um- sorry if I'm bringing myself some of my fics in this but the beginning happened to me in real life, so, yes, I miss that specific person (yeah the same guy that had a crush on for 10 fucking years 😃👍🏻) I haven't seen him since 2018 👀

"Stop- what are you doing?!" you said to him while having a breathy laugh

He smirks as he looks at you within his eyelashes as he tries to hold you still while writing something down on the back of your hand

"Eddie, this is ridiculous" you say to him as you shook your head sideways but a fond smile is sitting on your lips as you glanced at your back a bunch of students are hollering in excitement for the school year end because knowing damn well that whatever he is written down on your hand it will not stay, it would be easily removed once you took a bath when you get home

But, you don't mind it anyways, you smile at him as you watch him curiously as you can see his lips muttering different words under his breath as he writes

"You're the one who is being ridiculous" he says to you not looking at your eyes yet

You chuckle at his reply as you playfully roll your eyes at him

"There" he says as he brings back the cap of his blue ballpen, you heard it with a click

You bring your hand close to your face as you read what it says

"Don't let anyone else stop you for following your dream"

you lightly giggle when some of the words are not aligned as it goes wonky down on the back of your hand but still it's nice and you liked it

"Don't forget about me when you get famous with your singing career" he leans forward to get close to you, so, you could hear him clearly

The hallways are filled with whooping and screaming in excitement of students that are cheering for the school year end, Eddie chortled at the sight of it

You missed the way he looks at you

You raised your head as you flash him a sweet adoring smile as you nod

You shyly taken a back from his words of encouragement that really meant true as you judge by his tone

You snort "Okay, Eddie"

A smile tugs to his lips as he leans his back on the railing as he spoke again "I mean it, Y/N"

You look back at him and you directly look into his eyes

"Just don't ever forget about me, okay?"

It's very heartwarming to you that he is so kind "Of course, I will never forget about you, Eddie"

How would you ever forget Eddie Munson?

When he's the only one guy in your school campus who is so respectful towards you?

That was 2016, nine years ago

You've been classmates since 7th grade and even though you don't both have the same section from 8th grade and 9th grade

You still see each other and interacted a little

You kinda wish that he was still your classmates all those years

Sometimes, though, you winced at the memories when you're with him, you cringe at it at how you make things weird and awkward

You hate it when you get all so jumpy and nervous around him, I mean- it's just Eddie but the problem is that he doesn't know that you just realized it back in 8th grade that you finally figured it out that you developed feelings for him

You both weren't exactly close

Yeah, both of you tease each other and make fun and silly jokes sometimes

Yes, you both have a few conversations and slightly deeper talks about both of your families when your teacher on P.E class partnered the both of you together for the dance project

That's the only time that you ever both talked real to each other

That little moment, until now is still vivid to you

But still, you're not that close to him

He was just a good friend or maybe just a good classmate that you had

You encountered him again back in 2018 when both of your paths crossed while being on the escalators

You noticed him first but before you call out to him, you made sure that it was him because you moved on to another school after 9th grade, so, pretty much something's have changed but him?

He never did, he is still stylish as ever and so are you

But of course, both of you grew up

You're now already looking at him and you expect him to notice you, so, you didn't do anything at first and when you both finally met in the middle of the escalator and he is still doesn't saw you on the other side and he is mere inches close to you and you're too fucking shy to call his name out, you tried to tap on the handles to make a sound but no to avail, as you had no choice but to say his name

"Eddie!"

He whipped his head around the second you call him

He smiles and leans back forward as the both of you stare at each other

You shyly wave at him as you duck your head down to look at where you're going

From the corner of your eye, you saw him reached at the end of the escalator, his eyes still locked on you

But goddamn, it's 2024, you're 20 and he's 21

Both of you are college students now

Your feelings for him remained the same way and all of the crushes that you had from elementary to highschool

He's the only one ever to take over your heart this long

So long that sometimes, you wonder, if you try to confess it, so, it will be all over

But isn't that embarrassing? since well....

You haven't seen him since what?!? 2018???

2018 was the last time you ever saw him

You also haven't talked to him for years

Besides, seeing him on his Instagram profile but that doesn't count

But you did some risky stuff and you made such a big deal out of it because you're too overreacting with your giddy feelings for him

Like for instance

You complimented him on his Instagram stories in 2021 and he only heart reacted on it

You greeted him on his birthday for the first time ever in 2022 (you're wishing that he won't find it weird that you know his birthday and you hoped that he still remembers that he also wrote on your slambook back in 7th grade, that's why you knew) you also send your pictures with him from the field trip that you both had in 8th grade

And that right there, you received a message

A message that is so short but so endearing and it really means a lot to you

He says that he is sorry for not reaching out to you after all of those years passed and he is glad that you hadn't changed ever since then and he appreciates and he is so grateful for the highschool memories that you both had together

Even it's just a short amount of period at that time

2023, you greeted him again on his birthday but he only said thank you

You kinda hoped that he'll message you

But, girl- thank god that you aware of the term called "reality check" because why would he message you all of the sudden since that you both didn't knew very well

You sigh in hopelessly romantic manner wishing that he'll talk to you someday

Yeah, a smile grows on your lips all the time when you always receive a notification that he likes your posts

Damn, only a notification from him already lightens up your day

How fucking great, that's how pathetic it is

"5 minutes then you're good to go!"

Okay, fast forward from your train of thoughts, right- you got a show to run

You're a popstar now and you made it like you always wanted to be

Despite, everyone from your school bullies tries to pull you down

Eddie

Eddie is the only one who believed in you and supported you all the way even both of your lives are different now than before

While in the autograph signing table

"You're such an inspiration!" A young girl said as she beams up as she watches you sign up of your portraits photograph

"Thank you so much, sweetie! I'm very happy to hear that, did you had fun?"

She aggressively nods as she starts bopping up and down on her heels in excitement, you chuckled at that and you gave back the signed picture of yours to her as she gives you huge smile as she takes her leave

You didn't noticed the next person as you start signing

"As you walk on by, will you call my name?"

The sound of the person's voice is too unreal for you to hear and to register of what you just heard as you paused on what you're doing as you slowly raise your head up at the person who is standing in front of the table across from you as you gasp that you thought you're not going to see him again after 2018

But, now, here, he is finally once again

You've always dreamed about this

You've always wanted this to happen

It's unbelievable

You know that face and voice and that iconic smirk on him as you take him in

"Eddie?" You're still gasping in shock as you cupped your mouth in surprise as you look around you and your eyes are twinkling as he looks down on you in adoration and now the other fans that are waiting in line are getting curious and they flash you a smile as they relished and witness the reunion of the both of you

He grins as he nods as he shoved his hands onto his pockets "Ah- she remembers me!" You giggled to his classic antics

He hasn't changed

You could hear everyone who is asking, the buzzing "who is he?" "omg- they knew each other?!?" "wait- maybe he is the guy from her songs!"

You're too overwhelmed from all of this that you almost forget that you have to sign all of the pictures

You motion for him to lean down as you say "Can you wait for me backstage?"

He smiles "Yeah, sweetheart- I'll meet you there"

You sheepishly smile at him again as you gave him access that made everyone eyes goes wild, the crowd seems to go nuts over it

And by that the following question had been like this

"Who is the lucky guy?"

"Why is he getting the special treatment?"

"Is he your boyfriend?"

You don't give them all the personal information from your life and all the details but you confirmed that he is the guy from your songs and you love how your fans squealed and get thrilled from this

After an hour, the show is over and you bid goodbye to your fans and thank them for attending, you stretch your arms out and massage your neck as you exhale as you headed into the backstage

"Y/N's a star now" he leans his back on the wall as he smiles at you

He says the moment you moved the curtains on the side as you snort at his comment

You went into the small comfort room as you change your clothes into much more relaxing attire

"Hey, Eddie, I hope you didn't get bored for waiting"

"Nah, I don't mind it- sweets"

Once you get dressed, you open the door, so, you can talk to each other as you start to remove your makeup with a cotton pad as you double cleanse with rinsing it thoroughly

He watches you put a tinted lip balm on your lips, he swallows as he hangs his head low for a while

You groan at the hairstyle that you had earlier but you absolutely loved it getting all glammed up but you're just so tired and wanting to get this everything off so you can get to rest

Both of you kept talking but you didn't notice how he looks at you and watches your every move from removing the pins and hair ties from your hair from brushing it and you let your hair down as you grab your shoulder bag

He is so entranced by you like as you do too

Only if he knew

And only if you knew

His daze has cut off the time when you're literally now in front of him, he snapped out of it when he tries to recall of what you just asked him

"Do you want to walk outside?"

"Y-Yeah sure, come on, let's go"

You told your crew that you'll be back and you look out for them and always saying thank you for getting the job done

The walk was.....pleasing....but too quiet for you

It seems like Eddie can read your thoughts as he finally spoke up

"How many years had passed?"

A knowing smile is showing onto your features as you glanced at him

"9 years"

He raises both of his eyebrows "Damn" as he chuckles in disbelief

"Yeah" the smile still lingers on your lips

"Did you get to do it?"

"Do what?"

"Your band? Corroded Coffin?"

There's a glint on his eyes as he stops to his tracks as he stares at you for a moment

"What?" You ask him in confusion

"Nothing, it's just- you still remember that?" He tilts his head at you as he squints his eyes

"Well, of course! you told me not to forget about you, right?"

"You're always true to your word, sweetheart, I like that for you"

You both sat down on the bench in front of the fountain as you watch random kids playing

He sighs but he notices that you're awaiting for his answer as you quirk an eyebrow at him as he snorts

"Uh, no- Jeff, Gareth and Me, played for 4 to 5 years, I think? We had a blast but I realized that being a rockstar, it's not for me permanently"

"But, I thought you always wanted to be rockstar"

"Yeah, well, we got a record deal for a while-"

"What?!? Really?!?"

He chuckles to your excitement as you turn your whole body facing to him

"Yup, and we- uh- did a little tour here and there but, it just felt like that's not what I was looking for" he shrugs as he looks down as he starts to fidget his rings

You notice that, you always do, it's his nervous habit, you smile at him sadly

"How about Jeff and Gareth?"

"They got all their own ambitions and all of us took the same thing and we agree to not totally disband but, maybe, someday I don't know in the future, we'll get back to where we started"

You nod at him in understanding "I still feel superior to be one of the very first audience" you smirk

He whips his around at you at that and he blinks slowly like he just had a flashback

Yeah, if he's supportive to you and so do you

"the most loud cheerier ever, I gotta say" he laughs as you facepalmed as you can remember all of it

"So, what do you do now?"

"Uh, I'm a songwriter"

You react in delightful way and he chuckles at your face that you make

Both of you reminiscence your highschool memories as both of you look back at it

"Y/N, you-"

"Yeah?"

He hesitates for a few seconds as he chuckles as he dismissive his hand at you

"It's getting late" he says as he clears his throat

Your smile slightly falls as you glanced on your watch

It's been 2 in half hours

"I guess, we better get going then"

You both stand up as he walk you through the parking lot

You dig your nails through your palms as you think twice if you should tell him right away how you really feel about him

You can't chicken out now

You're not a kid anymore, you can take the rejection and well....

At least you tried, so, it will bring you peace

You've been fighting for your whole life not to ask him before, it's plaguing every year passed

Only a few more steps, you can sight your van

You took a deep breath, you know you'll make a rambling mess out of a speech but you don't care

"Eddie" you say as you turn around to look at him

He raises his head the moment you call his name

You walked closer to him as he looks at you as he waits for you to speak

"I know this is going to sound so out of place but uh- I have feelings for you since we we're 7th grade, I didn't know that I had it since I just suddenly realized it when we we're in 8th grade and ever since then and now I still have it for almost 10 years and it's okay, you don't have to-"

"I know"

You're stunned, you can't function to speak anymore

"I-I'm sorry?"

"I know and I'm aware of it"

He can't just say that to you like it was nothing

You're definitely screaming inside to this mind-blowing revelation

Your cheeks starts to glowing red as you feel all bashful to his gaze

Your eyes suddenly can't manage the hold to look in his anymore

"Even before?" You whisper as you wrap your arms to yourself

He's now the one who moves towards you

You're appalled and you didn't even noticed that your mouth is hanging agape as you shut it and swallow

"How did you find out?" You ask without looking at his eyes

He runs his tongue over his lips "from Gareth, and you know him he's got a big mouth and all that"

You close your eyes in humiliation as you bite down your lip

Fuck

You shouldn't have been talking to him or giving a clue

But, sometimes though, you give hints when you're having a conversation with him

Gareth, somehow, finds the missing puzzles and figures it all out

Traitor

You couldn't stand here and you feel ashamed of what you just did, my god, what are you thinking?

"Listen, uh- it's good to see you, I gotta go" you say as your drag your heels to walk away from him as fast as your feet can take you

But, he reaches out and holds your wrist making you stop

"Y/N, don't go"

"Why?"

"Because-" he sighs as he runs his fingers through his hair

"I'm no expert in showcasing my feelings, okay? I-I'm shy"

Your entire discomfort of being flustered has completely washed away

You find it amusing, well, Eddie has always been shy but really???

There's nothing to be mousy about when he's with you

"You're shy?" You echoed what he just said as you pursed your lips together

He scratches the back of his neck as he clicks his tongue as he nods his head slowly

You exhale "Well, fuck- Eddie, I'm shy too! I can't even blurt it out loud of what I've been carrying for what?!? 10 years?!?"

You start pacing back and forth in front of him as he breathes through his nose

"See, Eddie, I've always liked you, okay? or maybe I took your kindness way out of line" you throw hands up

He gave you that doe eye look and you avoid looking at it as you continue rambling at him

"I can't even comprehend why? Why am I still clinging onto you for all these years? I hate that you still made me swoon over you and make me feel things!"

His mouth starts to slowly hanging open to your subtle confession

"You know what's unbelievable to me? Is that you don't know me and I don't know anything about you but still it feels like I knew you even though we don't talk a lot back then and it hurts, it hurts that you're so big-hearted and it pains me that you're just so mellow person" your voice cracks and that's where the time the water works starts to fill up in your eyes

You sniffle as you quickly wipe your tears from your cheeks "You're the only guy that has ever been so nice to me, the only who cared, the only one who hasn't changed towards me since highschool, I don't even know what's the reason why"

He is still remains silent, probably still processing every information that you just told him

His eyes softens and his heart is begging to leap forward outside of his chest

"Y/N" he holds your forearm softly as he runs his thumbs over it, you shivered from his touch

"Have you ever wondered why I still don't have a girl beside me?"

He is still single?!? What?!?

You gulped as you look at him with hopeful eyes and tear-stained cheeks

He smiles down at you as you scrunch up your face in a shameful way that you don't like him to see you crying like this

Oh

That's right

You haven't seen anyone with him since elementary or highschool

He had a couple of silly crushes that you heard from your classmates before but still

You don't saw anyone else with him

And that alone made you think a lot since Eddie is not an asshole, it's mind-boggling

You're still in denial that you might think he has the same feelings for you

As if

"Eddie- I think you're a great human being, anyone is lucky to have you"

He chuckles slightly as you dodged his point

"I didn't date because why?"

You take all the courage that's left inside of you as you look at him

"You already have my heart, darling"

Your eyes flutters to his admission, your heartbeats faster that it might burst any second

He likes you?!?

"A-Are you sure? I don't u-understand- why didn't you m-make a move before?" You stuttered, your voice sounds so small and it makes his heartache

"I was a coward" he pulls you closer to him your eyes widen but you melt to his touch

"W-What about the messages that I sent you? Does that mean anything to you?" A sprinkle of insecurity is showing through your tone and he catches it, he reassures you that it means a lot to him

He grins at the birthday wishes that you make before

"I appreciate them all, I-I just didn't know how to express it in there, so, when I found out that you're have a show in here, maybe it's time to take it to the next level, it feels it's the right thing to do in person"

He embraces you for the first time and the only time that you ever became this much closer to him, you feel his warmth enveloping you his arms surrounding you in the most cozy way possible, you sigh in content as you squeeze him

"Feel better?" He asks as he still holds you tightly

"Yes" you whisper softly as you smile against his chest inhaling on his scent, it's intoxicating

The moment you pushed yourself away from him, you slipped on the thin ice as his reflexes are fast enough to catch you before you can hit the icy cold ground

You gasp as your eyes goes everywhere to his face as you held on him to stabilize you to get back up on your feet

He's so mere inches close, his eyes sparkle as he stares at you

He slowly lifts you back on, both of you didn't break eye contact

He can't help himself as his hand crawls at your waist to flush your body against his, you fight for your breath for the idea that he's about to do

His eyes flits through your eyes and to your lips, he goes for it as you close your eyes as you kissed him back

"Is it too late?" The smugness is radiating off of him when you chase his lips to peck on it

"I think we both waited on the right time" you say as you kissed his cheek

His cheeks blooms red as he dramatically freaked out as you let out a fit of giggles

"I'm relieved that you're patient to finally let me get out of my shell"

"Oh, be thankful that I have a wide patience or else I'll fucking lose it"

He laughs as he rest his forehead against yours

"You're the most perfect girl ever"

You smile brightly "And you're the most perfect boy ever"

Your crew call out to you saying that you have interview tomorrow morning

"Be with me?"

"Forever?"

You snort as you elbowed him as he catches you off guard pressing another kiss to your lips

"I love you, Y/N- you have absolutely no idea"

彡★

[9thbutterfly]

Today I had some quiet time to myself in one of the production greenhouses, no customers, no colleagues, no radio numbing my thoughts, and spent the time playing "what would I have done differently, if I could go back knowing what I know now". (Not in a regretful way, it is what it is, now, just... playing.)

Kind of started with thinking about one colleague who pointed out we've met before, during the master classes. She dropped out, frustrated because it was so chaotic. I stuck it out, knowing that I had a business to rent at the end of it.

If I knew that after six years, I would get told, "we don't need and want you any more", would I still have finished the classes? Or taken them at all? How far would I go back, if I could?

Would I have stayed at my former workplace for so long, or would I have kept an eye out for something else, knowing that there's a possibility the nursery would close if I didn't take it when the owners retired?

(Supposedly, Former Boss told one of my employees that there were a lot of other people interested in the nursery at the time. First time I ever heard of it, and he never properly talked to me about whether I *wanted* the nursery (which, in hindsight, is quite the red flag), just assumed I would take it, while I assumed he would offer it.)

Might have been wisest to get out before it came to that. But it would also mean missing out on friendships and acquaintances and professional connections...

Life would probably have been easier if I never rented the nursery. Could have invested my savings in some land to grow weird vegetables. Or maybe saved up for a house instead. (I like our home. But I wish the garden wasn't so cramped.)

So much more peaceful if I hadn't had to deal with dishonest employees screwing me over. But. Then there is the girl who dropped out of her apprenticeship because of drugs, and I gave her a chance and she did so well. (She was a brat, too. But what a recovery.) And there is the other girl I took a chance on, who struggled with mental health issues, and she did so well too. And. Idk. They might have found another job. Somebody else to support them. But they also might not. They might still be struggling, and struggling worse than they did when I met them.

So if I could go back, could I choose my own potential greater happiness at the expense of theirs?

And apart from work... How do you say goodbye to your father knowing it's the last time, knowing he'll let you down one time too many and you'll cut contact, and all you'll ever see again of him is the stain on the floor where his body rotted? (And yet. It was the right decision.)

How do you say goodbye to a friend, knowing her cancer will come back and she'll die while the pandemic prevents you from seeing her one last time?

It's for the best that we can't go back. But still, I wonder. How far? How to choose?

[imaginespazzi]

Nivi – hey bestie, you’ve done it again – I wasn’t sure it could get more heartbreaking than the last one and yet!

As always, the writing is- well, it’s everything.

The parallels between high school them and college them was immaculate, and I so wish Paige could have fulfilled her dream of kissing Azzi under the confetti, but alas, maybe in another universe 😉

I loved the little exchange about UConn and California, and how that possibility was always there but Paige could just never accept it.

P and UConn winning the natty this year – it had to happen in at least one universe, so thank you for letting it happen in this one.

Side note: Drew and Paige interactions are always top tier, and very much the type of momentary fluff that I needed to break up the sadness while reading.

Side note 2: I love that I don’t even need to imagine what Azzi wearing Paige’s jersey would look like, but I’m glad ucla au Paige got to experience it too 🥹

The celebration with the team was so cute and of course it would be KK that basically helps break the ice (and her lil innocent “you should bring her around more often” 🥺). Also, all the little moments Az got with everyone else in the team was so wholesome, and ofc queen Nika being a loveable menace who’s always just looking out for her twin.

Side note 3: I love love love the two piggyback moments haha, just because that’s so pazzi core to me idk, I feel like there’s been a lot of photos where Azzi is piggybacking Paige irl, like that’s very much their thing so I adored seeing it incorporated here. But then, the ending. I knew it was coming, but it certainly did not make it hurt any less when we got there. “Fuck,” Paige’s voice is still wracked with sleep, “I thought you left.” “That’s more your style,” Azzi says – this was particularly heartbreaking, but I can’t really blame Azzi, even if P is trying so hard to make things right.

Overall, I may or may not have been tearing up throughout the entire chapter, and it somehow hit me even harder the second time I read through it? I think that’s just testament to your writing tbh.

Thoughts on what’s next:

Do things finally start getting better? It can’t get any worse, can it? (famous last words) 😅

I did wonder actually, whether you’d have them win or lose the natty, only because if they did win which obviously they did here (thank you), could that maybe change P’s mind at all on declaring or not?

I’m guessing she obviously sticks to her og decision and stays, and so I’m super intrigued on what might come next for them.

Like will they try going back to being just friends? Even though they’ve already tried and failed and knowing that would never be enough for Paige. But can they really not be in each other’s lives??

Will they try seeing other people again??

Summer’s coming up in the timeline and they’ve never spent an entire summer apart, so what will they do this summer? 😔 Or will we have a big time jump?

So many questions, and only you have the answers, Nivi.

Favourite lines/quotes:

The moon shines against Azzi’s face and Paige thinks that so much has changed, but Azzi’s still that kind of beautiful

“Do you know what my answer would have been?” “Yeah,” Azzi says softly, squeezing her hands, “yeah I do.”

Alternate lyrics that came to mind while reading:

Talk about our future like we had a clue. Never planned that one day, I'd be losing you.

In another life, I would be your girl. We'd keep all our promises, be us against the world.

Oh, and in honour of your love for Taylor, a Taylor lyric that came to mind was specifically this:

And I can go anywhere I want. Anywhere I want, just not home - mainly from the perspective of Paige getting almost everything she’s ever wanted, except the thing she wants most.

PS: I don’t really listen to Taylor’s music much anymore (nothing negative, just a shift in my music tastes these past couple of years!), but if there’s anything you think I should definitely give a listen to from her latest album, let me know!

As always, thank you for all you do for us. Have a wonderful weekend 💗

Much love, -🙋‍♀️

Hi bestie, one thing about me is that I will find a way to make it worse! 🤪

Thank you my sweets, it always means the world <3

I'm glad you caught that because I wanted to hint at the idea that it wasn't just a random decision of Azzi's part to choose UCLA and that she'd always been considering it.

If I can add Drew and Paige interactions, best believe I will find a way to do it. That's another relationship that's so precious to me.

Shoutout to the one anon who asked for Azzi to wear Paige's jersey in the universe as well because I took that and ran with it so I hope they liked it, because I liked their idea (come say hi!)

The team scene was one my favorites to write honestly, especially just in general KK is so fun to write because she's so fun and I need my chaotic family (Paige-Azzi-KK-Ice) to be a thing in every universe.

YES the piggybacks are just so Pazzi-core and I know this is an au but I like to take things from what we already know about them and just tweak it to keep some semblance of realism. Also piggyback are just really cute and Paige seems like the kind to beg literally anyone to carry her anyways

Things will get better because I actually don't know if they can get worse (actually they probably could but it might be hard to come back from lol) but things getting better is gonna take a lot

See if Paige changes her mind and declares, things become easy for them with her going to LA and I'm not in the business of making things easy for them lol

You think I have the answer to these question but truly what I write is just as much a mystery of where my inspiration will take to me as it is to you. So we'll see but we're on the ascent upwards, so no more other people lol!

I LOVE THE ONE THAT GOT AWAY SO MUCH!!

As for Taylor, the new album's pretty good babes if you wanna go listen! Lowkey a lot of the songs work pretty well with this fic lmao. But my favorites are loml and Fortnight I think.

Always love your detailed takes on the new parts and just seeing you in my inbox always makes me smile <3

[boxwinebaddie]

does ravenstan have his tooth gap filled?!? he better not but i feel like kyle woulda totally noticed by now! ahhh and whats up with chapter 6 D: it was an absolute masterpiece to me!

unfortunately...that's affirmative, darling. :(

when you are a big hotshot celebrity boy and everyone is looking at you, you cannot afford ( ironically ) to have fucked up teeth, so he did have his tooth filled in. or rather, management had his tooth filled in.

& technically, he also is *Supposed* to wear an invisalign at night, but ravenstan forgets the lyrics to his own songs ( granted the recent ones C.D. has released haven't been written by him at all :/ -- that's why they're all shallow, vapid and gimmicky ) so idk how they expect him to remember to put that hunk of Plastic in his mouth like...like the closest thing that man has to mouthwash is a shot of jack smh.

i wrote...way too much in this ask meme. this was a wild ride, i'm sorry for being unhinged. i spiraled halfway through this, lmao. <3

edit: i forgot to bring up chapter six. i will bring it back, mayhaps. i had a Stannic Attack after posting it, also, felt weird about it. but i am glad you liked it. i also...liked it? but it was stressing me out, so just hang in there and i'll try to give you a more in depth answer later xx.

but riiiiip stan's beautiful chipped tooth!!!!! :((( a testament to his love for kyle broflovski via pint-sized homoerotic hockey puck heroism at stark's pond </333 i bet you when raven was getting his tooth fixed, somewhere in nyc, jersey kyle felt a sudden, sharp sting of pain and sorrow he couldn't place. the second he finds out u better believe my man will be screaming, crying, punching the air, trying to fight every dentist in the world. THAT WAS HIS TOOTH. HIS STANS TOOTH!!! :(

management....count your fucking days.

( i kind of want to tell you guys what the record labels name is, but it might say too much but also...;)))) i'll take a compliment bribe >.> )

also because it was RavenStan...it was probably pretty much the best orthodontist they could find and it looks really good. tbh i don't think you would be able to tell that his tooth was fucked up at all...sigh. :/

really, the only evidence of stan's tooth being fucked up is from photo albums ( a lot of them got burnt up ), the polaroids that kyle has, the pictures of him in the sp yearbooks ( which were the ones ran in the papers and one online article when news broke that he died...with his fucking dead name printed under them...choke and die, south park )

speaking of school pictures, fun fact! or actually not that fun...sixth grade was stan's last year of school. physically, at least. he had to do school from home/online because for obvious reasons, stan could not risk going to actual irl school after he disappeared. he was told it was 'way too risky and dangerous, bird' ( the person taking care of him called him that as a nickname c: )...stan did literally Beg tho :(

which is actually really sad bc stan complained abt actual school sm when he was actually allowed to go when he was 'alive' and then was forced to watch every other kid be able to do actual hs stuff while he sat at home, safe, robbed of having a normal adolescence. im so </3

i fucking love act two of the rm!prequel. i want to talk about it more, but it features a lot of stuff we don't know abt it yet/important chars.

not like that's gonna stop me, lmaoooo!!! again! i'll take a bribe! ;))))

anyways!!! back to school and stuff, kenny was constantly like dude i wish i could stay home!!! school sux! and stan was like at least u can GO to school, ken! u just choose not to!!! >:c ( like stan...stfu, do not pretend like u wouldn't be asleep or ditching ) kenny DID sneak him out a lot to go to high school parties and he got into a looooot of trouble for doing that oh my god smh. worth it...my boys, my boys.

not a lot of pictures of him from act two either, i'm afraid. definitely nothing digital. there are physical pictures, home videos, things like that. he wasn't really allowed to have any social media At All 4 safety.

but uh....if you want to hear something really fruity and pathetic...stan was specifically not supposed to use the internet to snoop on kyle. like he was Specifically Banned and Strictly Forbidden from looking up shit about kyle broflovski which...BOOOOO!!! COME ON!!!!!

...that did not stop him tho. he made a looooot of burner accounts to snoop. but like...no such luck, really. kyle had like no social media. he had an instagram, i think. but it was private and had...1 picture on it.

do u know how actualy Nutso Fucking Batshit Insane it made stan to not know what that ONE picture looked like? do you know how many times, he downloaded/redownloaded insta, how many fake accounts he tried to make to try and trick kyle into following him? smh gaywad.

so, dw team! while kyle was in/out of psych wards bc he was seeing stan everywhere, stan was perpetually grounded for being gay aka google searching kyle and looking pretty much everywhere for him.

but speaking of the internet, the cd boys did run a joint meme account while they were living together. no pictures of them just...low quality meme content. BUT SPEAKING!!!!! of low quality. THE ONLY DAMNING EVIDENCE OF TOOTH!STAN!!!! is a super old battle of the bands video that was taken of them at some piece of shit event like 3...4 years ago? the camera quality is really bad and shaky, the sound quality is even worse. also that video has like 57 views TOPS but it was before they got scouted and stans tooth is fucked up in it. ;)

not that u can see it, lmao. or know how to find it because they were not crimson dawn until they got signed. in LA they cycled between a lot of really bad, cringey band names so it would be really difficult to locate that video or pause it in the right place to like barely make out stans tooth bc the light was catching on it sm/it was out of focus.

BUT IDK!!! IF ANYONE IS CRAZY AND UNHINGED ENOUGH TO FIND THAT VIDEO, ITS KYLE BROFLOVSKI, BABEY! GO KYLE GO!

tldr: stan's tooth did get filled in and now our hearts are empty. but it Would be too easy to identify him; kyle would know that tiny fucked up tooth anywhere. tbh the tiny stan right eye beauty mark is also v damning, but stans hair is always in his eyes/his eyeliner is always so badly smudged that you can't see it all the time ( kyle also purposely tries Not to look at raven bc hes dummy Hot and doesnt want to admit it lmao like hes subconciously aware that he would simp lmao )

YOU ALSO REALLY CANT BE LIKE THAT CELEBRITY MAN ALSO HAS A BEAUTY MARK BY HIS EYE, THATS MY DEAD SBF!!!! i would not put it past kyle to try that, but i think regardless he would have gaslight himself into thinking that ravens stan beauty mark was an ugly mark and that he was having clozapine hallucinations again because stan....is....dead and is clearly not raven of c.d. clear...ly. <3

the way that kyles 'psychosis' is just him having really good intuition.

the world owes kyle broflovski an apology, istg. i see you, baby!!!!!

-uncle nina, cassandra complex kyle matthew broflovski apologist

[ohbo-ohno]

hey i’m so sorry if this is TMI and you don’t have to answer this, this isn’t a fic ask. in one of the recent asks you mentioned you went through a period in college where you barely left your dorm, barely spoke to anyone, barely ate, and your anxiety sky rocketed.

that is my exact situation right now as a college student, and i’m miserable.

if you’re comfortable sharing, and please feel free to delete this if not, how did you overcome this? do you have any advice to share? the transition is kicking my ass and i cannot cope lol

i genuinely gasped when i read what you wrote because it was my exact situation

hey babe!!!! not tmi at all no worries :) just before i type the rest of this - idk what will work for you! i can tell you what helped me, but idk the intricacies of your situation or your mental health. i never saw a therapist to help with my depression, so everything im going to say is purely what helped me when i was at my worst. wishing all the best and more for you <3

i left! i couldn't stay at that college, even though i loved the campus and the location i just... couldn't stay there when my experience had been so tainted. i was extremely lucky, my mom let me go home for a year and figure out what i wanted to do with my life. it was the best possible thing for me, gave me time to recover from that depression and be a Person for a little bit again. i went back to a different school after a gap year and had a far better experience, ended up getting my degree there. but i think going back to that same campus after my Bad Year would've been the worst possible thing - for me, at least.

i didn't see a therapist during after that period, but i should have. i'd recommend that if you can afford it/have good insurance.

idk what your personal situation is obviously, but i found it insanely cathartic to be really blunt with what i was going through to my mom. we're super close so i was able to do that, but i'd recommend finding someone you trust and laying it all on the table. give them the details of how you felt at your very lowest, even if it seems embarrassing. it helps it feel more real, and the realer it feels the easier it is to get past.

i also recommend getting together with friends as much as possible. for me, i'd moved 9 hours away from my hometown for college and just... didn't know anyone, and didn't meet anyone. when i came home, i had to talk to my friends a lot and just remind myself who *i* was, yk? did a lot of talking over the phone too. anything to remind myself how to be a person

for anxiety - try and sit in public places and do nothing. go to the park, bring a laptop or a book to a cafe, spend the day in the library, but go out and be somewhere. my anxiety got so bad because i just stopped exposing myself to things, but if you can kind of reintegrate into being in public again slowly it'll make things a lot easier for you. at least, it did for me lol

i don't know what you can do, and honestly it's very possible what helped me won't help you at all, but i really needed a "my year of rest and relaxation" period. i came home, did nothing all summer, than worked locally for the two semesters i would've been in school. helped me feel like i was more than a bump in my bed, and got me ready to go back to school with a better understanding of myself and what i needed :)

[apprenticestanheight]

heyheyhey!! someone wish me luck on getting the job I have an interview for tomorrow plsplspls

to convince you to wish me luck I have developed the pros and cons list of what will happen if I do get the job (I am also doing this for myself to really convince myself that I can DO THIS)

pros:

job = money

money = laptop after like two paychecks

laptop after two paychecks = more writing from yours truly (I am typing this while staring at my tv screen bc I use writing as a coping mechanism and located an HDMI cable which is also some of the reason requests have been on the slower end--I have to have my glasses on in order to see on such a big screen. I am typing this sentence while not wearing them to test how bad it is and i have to squint like I'm at the back of the room to see the screen less blurrily)

fixed term contract (seems like a con but stay with me) means I'll only be working like, 10-12 weeks which yeah not so great BUT I get experience and experience means more consistent 9-5 later on, plus if I save money while I work (aside from laptop that is a necessary purchase bc again, if I have to stare at my tv screen for another six months there will be tears and begging while I point desperately at my currently opened commissions) then I can have a bit of a backspace to fall on, yk?? like. if I ever decide I want something when I'm not working or if I need to buy more like?? bodywash?? idk, I don't have to crawl to my dad like "heyheyhey scary 5'8-ish adult man, I will do the dishes, clean the fridge AND the pantry for the low low price of $40 when you also happen to get paid"

will get me out of the house! I am stuck here all except for maybe once or twice in between the pay periods of my parents (they are my rides everywhere and they get paid biweekly so when they go for groceries I'm like HEY LET ME COME I WANNA EXPERIENCE EXTERNAL AIR PLEASEEEEEEEEEEEEE) and getting to leave the house and work with the people I'll be working with will also significantly reduce my anxiety, which I have to talk to my dr about putting me on meds for bc it has become debilitating.

I ONLY WILL WORK LIKE, 3-4 DAYS A WEEK!! The shifts are SUPER LONG which yeah not great but its a 40 hour week and that money will be good money (which I will put into a savings account that will build interest!!)

MONEYMONEYMONEYHONEYYYYYYY!! It adds up pretty quickly and making a dollar and fifty cents above minimum wage will mean that I'll be getting close to a thousand dollars if they pay me biweekly and close to five hundred if they pay me every week. 500-1000 dollars is a lot of money for a new laptop but also,, also a lot of money for a gym membership plus treats of both the caffeine and the liquor store variety (I will be nineteen in three weeks and feel like weed will be a better experience than alc was. I had fun that night but if I ever cry over not having enough money to order pizza again pls just glare at me)

work experience!! This job is a fixed contract job (I am starting to sound like a broken record with this oops) so it'll be less than half a year but it STILL WORKS!! Plus it'll be a good lesson and help me decide whether or not I want to pursue a career in working in old folks homes and if I can handle doing so for twelve hour days for the rest of my life. It'll be a learning experience that I can add to my resume and help me decide which jobs I'll either look towards or away from once I start looking for a job after the contracts fixed term is completed.

cons bc I am in fact thinking of those

working 3-4 days a week is great, right?? right?? yeah that part is where the goodness of the work schedule will kind of stop off bc yeah, three days on four days off is amazing but I'll be working 7-7. I also unfortunately happen to know myself and I know myself well enough to know that having to go into work at seven in the morning will result in me waking up at half past five in the morning to get ready and drink either an energy drink or three cups of coffee. I also like staying up until midnight so I will be stubbornly running on five hours of sleep lol.

occasionally needing to work weekends isn't that bad but its just--I can be a morning person during the week with an energy drink or three cups of coffee and those things only. On the weekends I sleep in late and I make coffee anyway bc its my routine, but waking up at 5:30 for a weekend shift is going to have me hangry and exhausted by noon.

the only other con that I can think of for this is that the twelve hour shifts could send me into burn out very very quickly. On the one hand I keep telling myself "yeah you'll work 36 hours in three days BUT you'll also have four days to sleep the burn out off and engage in hobbies that make the burn out easier to handle" but on the other I just--I know myself well enough to know that two and a half months of burn out from working twelve hour shifts through to the end of march could have me fully burnt out until the middle of may. I just keep wondering if the fact that I'm gonna be making a dollar fifty above minimum wage for two and a half months is really worth the exhaustion both physically and mentally lol.

[rexismycopilot]

TRYING THIS AGAIN PLEASE WORK

okay so bear with me on this idea bc it’s probably not gonna make sense but i really hope it does- so Anakins been staying home more often to test it out right? And one of the things he decides he’s gonna do is finally fix the finicky lock on the door of their laundry room. It locks from both the outside and inside but sometimes it gets sticky and obiwan is getting very tired of having almost been locked in, it’s also the kind of door that shuts on it’s own bc idk weight distribution and shit- anyway Obi’s at work and he’s working on the door with Artoo hanging out beside him. He’s got a screwdriver shoved under the door to keep it open bc the stand for it came off years ago according to Obi. Hes been making good progress until something gets stuck and he has to get up and sift through his toolbox for just the right thing. While he does, Artoo decides he’s very interested in that screwdriver sticking out from under the door. Anakins jot paying any attention bc hes too focused looking until he hears something clatter and turns only to realize too late that the door is swinging shut and Artoo is scampering out of the way into the hall leaving the door to slam shut with a deafening click of the lock and Anakins heart stops. Suddenly he’s 13 all over again getting shoved into the basement closet by Palpatine bc somehow something is his fault like it always is and now hes stuck in the dark room where the light doesn’t work, screaming his throat raw as Palpatine leaves the house and who knows when he’ll be back or when he’ll let Anakin out. He doesn’t even realize that hes banging on the door and screaming or choking on his tears. Distantly in his mind he knows he could probably somehow get the door open but hes too panicked to be able to and he can barely breathe in the stuffy room. He cries so hard he exhausts himself and he curls up on the floor sobbing and whimpering as Artoo scratches on the door from outside. It’s hours later when Obiwan gets home, calling out for Anakin until he see Artoo at his feet meowing insistently until Obiwan follows with a confused expression only to be led to the laundry room where Artoo paws and meows at the door. Obiwan frowns and unlocks the door after a bit of jiggling to find his darling boy curled up with tears down his face, hair in knots from where’s he’s pulled at it, and he’s still shaking. He manages to croak out obi’s name brokenly and Obi’s on him in seconds scooping him up and rushing him upstairs, after a long while Anakin explains what happened and Obiwan has never been more angry at a door or Artoo even though it’s not the kitties fault but he’s having a moment okay? Anyway this may have been me projecting my fear onto Anakin but OH WELL-

OH MY GOD!!

Locking people in closets is definitely a punishment that people have to endure. I just finished listening to Carrie Fisher's Wishful Drinking and that was apparently a punishment her mother had to endure. Which is pretty horrific, honestly.

ANYWAY. You were right that this is definitely an angsty ask. I have a feeling that once Anakin is out of the laundry room, he wants to comfort Artoo as well and Obi-Wan is just like "uh, he's the reason you were LOCKED IN THE CLOSET" But he's trying not to say that because you're right. He knows it's not Artoo's fault really, but Artoo put his boy into that situation and that is going to take some time to forgive.

Obi-Wan coming home to that! He would be so worried when he doesn't see Anakin right away and he's trying to get the door open 😭

Oh my heart...

[12timetraveler]

Okay this is the same anon who loves angst 😭 idk if you’re taking asks rd so feel free to ignore this but how do u think Charles would react to his wife dying? I saw a headcanon that he’d never remarry and I wanted to know your thoughts bc you’re my fav writer!

The Other Shoe Drops

Short sprint

Summary:

Once he sees the Marston's settled in, Charles heads North to find his own peace.

This piece can be read in it's entirety below or on AO3

"Life's always confused me. I don't feel I understand it very much. Other human beings seem to understand why they were born but, for me… it seems like I was born to hurt and suffer myself. That doesn't always seem like a really good reason. I wish there was another way."

~~~~~~~~~

Every time Charles thought maybe, just maybe he was past the hurt, that he finally found something good, life always seemed to wait until he was happiest before pulling the rug out from under him.

At first he'd found some semblance of happiness with Arthur. The two of them never really defined their relationship, or went very far with it. Mostly it was just moments outside of camp or behind wagons, occasional hunting trips to worship each other. But that suited them both just fine.

Then Arthur had started coughing, and within a month he was gone and Charles was alone.

After that he returned to the kind of life he’d lived before the Van der Linde gang. Living as a lone wolf, floating from place to place, doing what he had to in order to survive. Always he carried that hurt with him, added it onto the hurt of losing his parents, of being alone, all those scars.

Nearly a decade passed before he found someone again. He'd always liked both men and women, and after he'd seen the Marston's settled, he wanted to find a home of his own. Somewhere to lay down roots. Someone to lay roots with. He headed north to Canada, hoping maybe there would be someone waiting there.

Chief Rains Fall had welcomed him to stay with the tribe any time he wanted. Some days he’d take him up on that offer; put up his tent on the edge of the tribe's teepees and cabins and settle down for a day or two at most. But usually he just wandered the wilderness, hunting meat to survive and pelts to sell.

And then he'd found you. You were more than he could ever have imagined. So bright and kind, so strong and fierce. You’d caught his eye the moment he saw you in town, not too far from where the Wapiti tribe had settled. He came into town looking to sell some pelts to the local butcher, and there you were outside the general store, looking at pumpkins.

He’d been frozen in place as he looked at you, and he swore his heart started beating for the first time in nearly ten years.

The butcher followed his gaze down the road and gave Charles a knowing smile.

“She’s a perdy one, huh mister?” the butcher chuckled. “Good luck winning her over, though. She’s a local spinster. Refuses to take a husband. Just tends her little farm and gathers local mushrooms or plants to sell.”

You were in your early thirties, just a couple years younger than Charles. For a lady that certainly did make you an old maid. But you liked it just fine that way. You were friendly, kind, but had long given up on finding anyone who would simply let you be you. No if you were to marry you’d be expected to keep a house and rely on your man. And why would you want to do that, when you were a financially independent, self-sufficient woman?

You’d noticed the man around the area the last few weeks. Spotted him riding on the road by your house, even noticed his beautiful appaloosa horse out in the forest once while looking for some local mushrooms, though the rider seemed to be away tracking something on foot. You’d given the stallion a carrot and continued about your own business. Never had you had a moment to talk to the man himself.

So when you spotted the mysterious stranger staring at you down the road, you decided to take it upon yourself to make the introductions. The butcher, an old family friend, was all too happy to help with that.

“This is Charles Smith,” He said after you’d approached and said your hellos. “He’s a new trapper ‘round here,”

“It’s a pleasure,” you said, introducing yourself and shaking the man’s hand. “It’s a dying art, trapping game and using the pelts,” you remarked. “I’m glad to see someone keeping up with it,”

“Nature provides everything we could want, so long as we only take what we need,” The man said. Oooo his voice sent shivers up your spine, so deep and beautiful.

“I couldn’t agree more,” You said, reaching into your basket and pulling out a jar of honey, “Here. It’s from my beehives. Think of it as a welcoming gift,” You said, pushing the honey into the man’s hands before he could protest. “I hope I’ll see you around, Mr. Smith,” With a friendly nod and a wave to the butcher, you turned and walked back up the road to your little cart, setting your basket beside you and setting off for home.

The next time Charles saw you, you were visiting the reservation, trading some honey and preserves and late-season vegetables for some furs. Apparently you and Chief Rain’s Fall were good friends, and you would often trade with them. IT was mutually beneficial. The pelts from the tribe were often far superior than any you’d buy in town, and the items you grew on your farm or found in the areas around often helped them through the winter.

Chief Rain’s Fall was eager to make sure the two of you knew each other. Charles didn’t miss the twinkle in the old man’s eye. Who would have thought the great Chief would enjoy playing matchmaker? But he seemed determined that you two know each other. Perhaps he knew long before either of you how it would end up.

“It is getting late. You can spend the night if you wish,” Rain’s fall said as you turned to mount your horse and leave.

“I’ll be fine,” You assured him.

“At least allow Mr. Smith to see you home safe,” he said, looking over at Charles.

“I’d be happy to,” Charles said with a small nod. “Roads can get dangerous at night. No one should be traveling alone,”

Normally you’d decline such an offer but you couldn’t deny you wanted to spend more time with Charles.

“Alright. Thank you,”

It was quite a pleasant ride home, the two of you talking a little, though the conversation was never forced.

Two days later Charles showed up on your porch with a beautiful fox pelt.

“I, erm... I wanted to thank you for the honey and uh... Chief’s Rain’s Fall told me you use the furs to make things to get through the winter. So um... here,” He bashfully held out the pelt, all tanned and ready to be used. He looked almost embarrassed, but you just smiled and invited him in for supper.

Over the winter the two of you became fast friends. You’d go out together hunting and gathering. On the stormy days you’d stay indoors and craft items and swap stories. By spring you’d told him if he fixed up the old cabin on the edge of your property, he could live there.

Summer came and the whole town was watching as the two of you spent more and more time together. They all expected you two to jump at any chance to get together. It was obvious you were made for each other. But to the local gossips’ dismay, you remained fast friends and nothing more.

It wasn’t until a late summer storm that either of you acted on your feelings. The rain was beating down on your roof. Charles was sitting with you by the fire, crafting arrows while you sorted the berries you’d gathered.

They do say that it happens more often during big storms like this. You weren’t sure what kickstarted it all. But suddenly you were crossing the room, sitting yourself on Charles’ lap, and kissing him fiercely. Without missing a beat he kissed you back. Once he swept his freshly crafted arrows aside, he lay you down on the couch and the two of you made love.

You spent the next year courting, neither of you in any huge rush to make it official. You spent another winter, spring and summer by each other’s sides, more than friends now, but not yet married.

With fall came a surprise, and, well small towns are not very friendly to women who have children out of wedlock. It wouldn’t be the first thing you did to upset the town, but why deal with the stress when the father was the man you loved beyond reason, and he was ready to marry you in a moment?

You knew with Charles you wouldn’t be confined to the house. You and he would share all the load. He promised it. Even without his word, you knew he was different from the other men around. He respected you, loved you beyond anything you’d ever thought was real. And so you were married before the first snowfall.

With summer came your first child, a daughter. Charles was completely wrapped around her finger from her first breath. Many nights you found him sitting by the window just holding her, telling her all the things of the world until long after she fell asleep.

Once you were feeling up to it, you returned to your routine of gathering plants and mushrooms from the woods while Charles checked his snares. Your daughter was always strapped to one of your backs, just watching her parents work or dozing in her sling.

Two years later a son joined your little family. A small part of you feared Charles may love the son more than his daughter, as many men would. But he loved them both equally. Often he’d be wandering the house with your son swaddled and sleeping in the crook of one arm while your daughter sat on his waist, arms wrapped around her Pa’s neck. He’d try to do chores or whatnot like that, with only one hand somewhat free. But if you ever asked him to hand you one of the kids to help free up his hands he'd just hold them both closer and shake his head. He'd rather be useless than let one of his babies go.

You claimed that your two children were the best gifts he'd ever given you, but he was fairly certain it was the other way around. He'd done so little in their creation but they, along with you, were his whole world.

For years you were all happy. You and Charles watched your children grow, taught them how to get what they needed from nature. Charles told them watered down versions of his adventures with Arthur and his old friends. You laughed, played, worked, toiled, and lived, all together as a family.

When your daughter was 16 and your son 14, the unthinkable happened.

You developed a cough. A horrible cough that would shake your entire body. At first you shrugged it off as just a cold, but soon it became apparent that it was not just something you could shake off with rest.

You’d never seen Charles look more upset than when the local doctor gave you his diagnosis.

Tuberculosis.

There were treatments nowadays. Not even a year after Arthur's passing a cure for TB had been found. The moment you'd been diagnosed you started treatments. Followed every doctor's order to a T. But for one reason or another, it didn't work. You just got weaker and weaker.

You fought for a year, but never could quite shake the illness. You grew thin, almost skeleton-like. Charles was as devoted as ever, doing his best to take care of you while still going out and hunting and parenting the two children.

One night, your body seemed it couldn’t fight it anymore, and you slipped away, your children kneeling on one side of your bed, your husband on the other.

Charles knelt by your grave long after all others had left. Your neighbor, a kindly older lady who knew you since you were a teenager, took the kids home with her after the funeral, knowing Charles would come for them later, but also knowing he needed some time alone at your grave. It was obvious to anyone who looked at him that he was absolutely shattered.

He knelt in the grass near your grave in silence, just staring down at the mound of dirt trying to process it all. Why you? Why were you being punished for his misdeeds? If the universe wanted to punish him for his rough past, it should have taken him. Him. Not you, who had done nothing but love him.

He'd spent so many years waiting for the other shoe to drop. For his misdeeds to come back and bite him. But after so long he began to get comfortable and think maybe things would be fine. Maybe life was done tormenting him. But no. As he'd said all those years ago he was born to suffer.

Fingers clutching at the fresh turned dirt of your grave, Charles let out a scream unlike any sound he'd ever made. It was a horrible, wounded howl that no-doubt echoed around the valley. But if anyone in town heard it, they did nothing. They knew what that sound was. It was the sound of their neighbor’s heart being torn in two.

Charles dug his palms into his eyes, trying to contain his feelings, ease the hurt, anything. He’d known so much loss, but none had hit him like this. He had carried on as he lost everyone he cared for. But he felt like he could just dissolve into the grass and join you underground.

He'd been heartbroken when Arthur died, of course, but it wasn't quite this pain he felt now. He'd built a life with you, started a family with you. You were meant to define the rest of his life. But now you were gone and he was left to carry on. To raise your children alone. For the rest of his life to be Charles Smith the widower.

Suddenly he understood old Hosea Matthews much better. The man had often said how he thought of his dear wife every day when he woke up, and went to sleep. Charles knew he’d be mourning the loss of you for the rest of his life.

He wasn’t sure how long he sat there at your grave, weeping. Long enough for his legs to go numb and his knees to dig divots into the earth below.

He sat back on his feet and wiped his eyes, looking upwards to the sky. He needed to pull it together. He wasn’t the only one who was grieving. There were two children waiting for him who’d also lost you. As deeply as he felt the loss, how hard must this be on them? To lose their mother while still teenagers.

Your poor daughter, who would have no mother to see her through all those stages in a young woman’s life. No mother to help her should she decide to become a mother herself. What advice would she miss out on from losing you?

Your sweet young boy, whose voice still cracked when he spoke, and was still shorter than his sister. He wouldn’t have his mother to fuss over him as he grew. If he found someone, he’d never get to sit at the breakfast table and tell you all about them excitedly.

The house was already so empty without you. No laughter as you took down the dry laundry that Charles had washed. No races around the house with your son. No dancing in the living room with your daughter, singing all those silly songs that were on the radio.

There were already so many horrid things happening in the world, with the Great War having just ended. You’d been paramount in keeping the children calm as all the horrors of that terrible war hit the local gossip chain. He was never quite as good at it as you were.

He’d spent so many nights imagining the two of you sitting on that front porch, old and gray, watching grandchildren play amongst the chickens. You were supposed to grow old together, grow senile and gather aches and pains until you couldn’t do much more than just sit out and watch the sunset together.

He knew some expected he'd remarry. To them a wife was just someone to look after the children, and he'd likely want to replace you quickly. But the very thought made him sick to his stomach. You were irreplaceable. He knew he'd never find someone to love the way he loved you. And to love anyone less was doing that person a disservice. He knew he'd be alone for the rest of his days.

Well not completely alone. He still had the kids. Two amalgamations of you and him. Two beings he loved very much. He knew the family would stick together. That gave him some comfort.

He took a deep, steadying breath, and pushed himself to his feet with a low groan. He could no longer just sit here and weep. Those sweet teenage terrors that reminded him so much of you were waiting for him. They needed their father on this day. He needed to get back to them, take them home and... and...

Well he wasn’t sure what he’d do when he got them home. They’d likely all end up in the living room around the fire. Maybe he’d try to lighten things with stories of the good times. Perhaps the three of them could spend the night celebrating your life instead of mourning your death. It’s what you’d want.

“I love you,” he murmured. With one last sorrowful glance at where you lay buried under the dirt, he turned for home.

[yurimage]

I’ve seen one too many advice for freshman TikToks that had god awful advice (yeah I’m talking about the don’t make eye contact with sophomores video) so I’m putting my own advice out there. These are all things I wish I understood as a freshman and now I’m a senior so idk I feel like I’m qualified to say this :/

Older people will tell you high school is like the best years of your life, and that’s true for a lot of people but not for everyone; if it’s miserable for you, that’s alright! High school is a unique environment that is never seen again in your lifetime, it doesn’t work for everyone, but that doesn’t mean college or life beyond that won’t work for you

Join clubs you’re interested in even if you think other people will judge you for it. Clubs like GSA or anime/video game clubs get a bad rep but you’ll meet super cool people you actually like and have a lot in common with so join them anyway, the benefits vastly outweigh any negative outcomes

Don’t take AP classes that you’re not interested in, they’re way harder than a lot of people think so if you don’t like the subject, you’ll just be miserable all year. Also don’t take AP classes just because you feel like you have to or because of how competitive some people are about them, that’s definitely not a good reason to take on that kind of workload

Eat lunch at school, a lot of people wait until they get home to eat but it makes later classes more difficult than they need to be. I used to spend lunches studying in the library because I thought it was a good use of my time, but it was just miserable. Even if all you have is a snack to last you the final few hours, that’s better than nothing; take care of yourself in general tbh

If you take a class and then realize like a week or two in that you hate it, just drop it! If it’s a graduation requirement, take an easier version of the class but if it isn’t, you don’t have to stay. There’s no shame in leaving a class because it’s too hard, or you have no friends in it, or the teacher is awful

If you don’t like PE, it’s perfectly okay to just do the bare minimum; coaches will greatly favor the athletic kids and they might even be a little biased against the non-athletic kids when it comes to grades, but the bare minimum as long as you participate will get you like a C or B and it doesn’t even weigh into your GPA that much

Definitely look into accommodations at your school if you have mental health issues, a learning disability or are neurodivergent (i.e. ADHD). Schools (at least in my state) have 504 plans that can get you extra test time or homework extensions; just ask your counselor if you think you’ll need it, your teachers are legally obligated to follow these accommodations

On a related note, high school classism is such bullshit and the only people who really care about it are sophomores and some juniors; hardly any senior is going to look down on you for being a freshman (atp we just don’t care lmao). Just don’t let it get to you next year, even if this year’s sophomores and juniors give you a hard time, don’t give the same treatment to next year’s freshmen

Don’t take a zero period if you don’t have to, doing brain work that early in the morning is fucking awful. Also, if you DO take a zero period, don’t take a 7/6th period (depending on what the last period is at your school). I did that last year and it was miserable being at school for nine hours a day

Just do the things you like or think you’ll enjoy, it’s always good to keep up with your hobbies/extracurriculars or try anything once. Similarly, if you don’t like something, don’t do it; you don’t have to take all APs or join a sports team because your parents want you to, do what YOU want because after high school, it’s all up to you

Anyways, high school is basically what you make of it so just say “fuck it we ball” and stay on top of your priorities whether they be academic, athletic, artistic or social

[dear--charlie]

Dear Charlie,

hi it's me, again. It's been a while, I know. I'm done with my masters and I work as a teacher now. I teach 1/2 grade and 5/6 grade in mixed age classes. It's so much work that that's all I do, but since all my friends live away, I'm pretty much alone all the time. It's not as if I had anything better to do, but I'm slipping down again. I guess I'll pick myself back up again when I got the time. Anyway, that's not why I am writing. 

My 6th grades were supposed to do a chore. Instead, they used the comment section of the word document and insulted each other. And I mean, they're teenagers. I could deal with them calling each other jerks, but that's not what they did. They called each other gay. "gay" as in "that's so gay" as in "that's so fucked up". And well, I couldn't let that sit on me. I went home and did a worksheet. Screenshots of their conversation on the cover. On the next 4 pages an instagram post Hoshi shared, where she received insults and death threats for being a lesbian, as well as her statement about it. Then I made them watch videos: what is LGBT, why is there so much suicide in queer youth, why are gay footballers scared of coming out, what do kids mean when they "gay" and what's the real possible consequence. They were shocked. 2 boys cried. I brought my point across but there is so much more talking to do. They know nothing about the matter and I dived in head first. Now we will decompose, and I will make sure that they do not use gay as a slur even in their dreams. 

Anyway. I shared this with J., the woman I work with in 2nd grade. She is really nice and knows the kids and the school and I just needed to share what had just happened because I was really emotional. And well, we talked and talked and it was nice and she made me feel safe but I didn't manage to come out to her because something in me was still scared. But then I was home and felt like shit. Not only had I not told her the truth but I had gotten back in the closet when for the past 2 years I had been out and proud abroad. Well now back at home I'm a little closeted bat. And I hate it. I feel like I am betraying myself and my values and losing part of myself because I am hiding it away again. 

So, I texted J. And I told her that I didn't really know how to tackle this but that there was something I wanted to tell her and I was scared to do so because I was scared out work relationship would change and I really appreciate that relationship. But then I told her about A. And she didn't answer for hours. Then this morning, I receive this text: Hi Lena, thank you for your message, I could see that this topic is really important to you and that you are passionate about it. I can imagine that it was not always easy and I am terribly sorry for that. Unfortunately, our society is still quite primitive and conservative in this sense. I wish you and your girlfriend only the best. I am very open-minded and think that everyone should go their own way without having obstacles put in it. And besides, there is no such thing as THE right way. You are authentic and have dared to come out. Many people do not have this courage because a large part of our society does not tolerate it. This changes absolutely nothing in our teamwork - on the contrary! As I said before, I think it's good that you wrote this to me. It was very emotionally touching. You're a really kind, sympathetic and emotional person/ teacher. Stay true to yourself because you'll see it's worth it in the end. Feel hugged.

And well, I cried my eyes out and then I just thanked her. Now I'm better but I still think about it a lot and well Idk, I don't like that wherever I go there has to be a coming out again. It's annoying. 

Plus, a kid asked me why gay people decide to be gay if it means they are threatened. And well... that's a whole other story. 

Anyway. 

Love always, 

Lena. 

30.09.23

Post

[purplesurveys]

1687

Have you ever seen a fox in person? I have not.

Would you say you have a quiet mind or do you have a lot of thoughts? I dunno how to answer this...I feel like it’s always either one or the other. My mind can definitely race, but I can zone out quite often, too. I guess it depends on my disposition for the day. Heavier anxiety = busier thoughts.

When did you last do something brave? Earlier, I guess? I’m in Malaysia right now and I tried to venture out earlier all alone beyond the mall that we’ve been visiting the past two days...and doing that felt pretty brave. I circled back though once I realized there was nothing to discover anyway.

Have you ever seen a magician? Well, yes. Idk about other cultures but booking magicians is common in children’s birthday parties here, so I’ve seen my fair share of them.

What's something you remember from your childhood that you wish you could experience again? Falling asleep on any non-bed surface and being carried to your actual bed.

Do you believe in karma? Why or why not? I mean I don’t have a strong, spiritual dependency on it, but it’s always nice when people get their ass bitten back after they’ve been a horrible person.

Do you have a tiktok account? I do, but I rarely go on TikTok. Too Gen Z for my taste and I only keep the app for work purposes.

Do you prefer the scent or color of lavender? Scent.

Would you rather live in a castle or a cottage? I would pick the castle. I feel like previous versions of me would prefer the quietness of a cottage, but at this point in my life I feel like the silence would drive me crazy within the days.

What type of music do you listen to the least and why? Country and techno, if anything. They’re just not my type of music, especially country.

When did you last visit a library? I’m not sure. I was definitely in school, and it was before the pandemic...so anywhere around 2019 to super early 2020.

What's one of your favorite memories from staying up late? When I was active in the wrestling fandom 10 years ago, EVERYBOdy else was either from the US or UK; this meant I was the one who had to adjust for the most part to be able to keep up with the community and with news. That also meant stocking up and chugging cups of coffee from 10-11 PM to be able to be awake for my friends through the night...it was always worth it though. I was able to find an amazing group of friends at the time who waited til I got home from school (the same way I’d stay up for them) until the wrestlers that we stanned resigned/left WWE and we all kind of grew apart from there.

Have or would you ever wear a necklace with someone's initial on it? I don’t think I have, but it’s something I’m willing to do. Initials to me aren’t as bad as, like, a full name or self-portrait.

What last made you laugh out loud? I’m watching Run BTS while taking this.

Do you usually keep water by your bedside at night? I used to, but I grew out of the habit.

What's an interesting fact about yourself? I have not seen most Disney movies. Like I’m pretty sure the entirety of my Disney watch history has only been Pixar films; most else I haven’t seen.

What did you last heat up in a microwave? Some cheesy chicken dish my dad made a couple of weeks ago.

Would you consider yourself lucky? In very few aspects. It’s rarely a word I would use to describe my experiences. What kind of pizza did you eat last? The iconic cheese pizza from Habanero, which was worth every single hype post I ever saw talk about it. I still dream about that damned pizza to this day.

What kind of shampoo do you use? I use Dove usually, but currently I have a Palmolive bottle just because they have a BT21 collaboration and I wanted to try it hahahaha.

How many blue objects are in the room you're in? My luggage is blue.

Would you rather visit an art museum or an aquarium? Museum.

Do you prefer sweeter cereal over unsweetened? Sweeter.

If you could build a 5 artist/band lineup to your dream music festival.. which ones would you choose? BTS, Twice, Seventeen, Lee Youngji, Epik High. What's a habit you have broken or are currently trying to break? I’ve been trying not to stay up until 2-3 AM before a workday.

Have you ever volunteered at an animal shelter? I haven’t but that’s been on my mind for years now. I’ve just been too busy... :( Is there anything currently bothering you? Yeah...I’ve been on leave for like virtually two weeks now, and the amount of workload I’ve been leaving behind is stressful. This is on top of the fact that I have a new associate under me who’s been pretty clueless about what to do, so I’ve had to take portions of my leave to walk her hand through certain tasks; and then there’s also the anxiety of not being sure if she’s able to do the job right. Idk. It sucks. I’m in a sucky place mental-wise. I am extremely grateful for this leave and the two vacations I have taken (my first in seven years), but I also can’t wait for it to be OVER so I can finally be back on track and get rid of that exhausting catching-up feeling. How many stuffed animals do you have on your bed? Do the BT21 ones count as stuffed animals? I’ve got two - one Tata, one Koya.

How much is too much to spend on a pair of shoes? I would probably stop at anywhere over ₱30,000.

What's the strangest thing that you've ever seen someone collect? There are stranger collections I’m sure, but my mom likes to collect tissue papers from different establishments. They’re all unused ok so she’s not gross HAHA, but I think it’s both unique and endearing that she keeps a stash of tissues from like McDonald’s and Jollibee and Shakey’s and where-fucking-ever in the car.

Have you recently been to a concert? ARE YOU KIDDING. I went to see AGUST FUCKING D last Sunday in Bangkok. Bit of a nosebleed seat, but I COULD NOT CARE LESS. I was with Yoongi that night; and it was the one promise I made myself when I decided not to go the unaliving route when I discovered BTS two years ago. I sang and screamed and cheered like my life depended on it and between you and me I still feel like floating on air; I can’t believe my friends and I managed to make it happen.

Who did you last have a phone conversation with? Idk I don’t talk on the phone a lot.

What's the most dominant personality trait you have? I am sensitive.

Do you ever watch sports? Eh, just wrestling.

What's had the biggest impact on your day? The dude who hit on me while I was sitting at the park. That was a nice ego boost because nobody ever approaches me back in the Philippines LOL, but I wish it didn’t happen while I genuinely wanted to be alone. We don’t have any parks in the Philippines so I was Actually savoring my time there, so to that guy I shot down in record time, I’m sorry. Thank you for being nice about it though.

What's your least favorite cheese? I don’t think I’ve ever found a least favorite cheese. What did you last have as a snack? Some 7-Eleven sushi.

What's your favorite decoration in your place of residence? It’s more than just decoration, but seeing Kimi’s memorial box in the living room makes me smile every single day. I like that we have a way to keep him around.

Would you rather read a book or watch a movie? I’d pick the movie mostly because I am a lot pickier with books.

What's your plans for the upcoming week? Finish out my vacation here in Malaysia, then catch up on work starting Wednesday.

When did you last feel rushed? Last Sunday, after the concert. Bangkok concert culture is a bit different from Manila’s and security will clear out the inside and outside of the arena *as soon* as the artist walks off, so after Yoongi left the stage everything was pretty much a blur. We were being asked to leave every 10 seconds even though we were clearly rushing out, lol.

What was the last thing to scare you? I felt like some guy was following me earlier back at the mall, so I felt off and walked as briskly as I can.

Have you drank enough water today? Eh, probably not.

What's your top 3 favorite fruits? Avocado, and that’s it really.

What season do you think is the most comfortable? Neither.

What lie do you say the most? That I’m doing fine. It’s also the safest lie to go with so it’s whatever.

What website do you frequent often besides Bzoink? Twitter, YouTube, Facebook.

Do you have anything due soon? Nopes.

What did you last consume that you thought was nasty? I haven’t had anything bad in a while, actually!

What's a song you feel describes your mood most right now? Hectic by RM and Colde.

[siyteefe]

Ted Lasso Season 3 Wish List

Okay so here’s a list of all my wishes/predictions/fears for season 3:

I want Sam and Rebecca to be a thing. I do think it’s an HR nightmare for Rebecca to be dating a player, so I don’t know how that can actually happen but I just love them. He’s too young to stop playing and focus on his restaurant, I’d hate for him to leave the team to date her, so idk. Or maybe he gets the call to play for the Nigerian National team and goes away at the end of season 3 to play back home and they do long distance!

I don’t know if it’s implied that Jamie’s mom has passed away, but if not, I want to see Jamie’s mom (and I want him to cry when they’re together) We’ve seen the dad twice, Jamie handled him, I don’t think we need to see him again unless he’s literally being arrested for assault and banned from Wembley for life, so I’d love to meet Mrs. Tartt

Sam’s parents fly out to see him play! I mean, they have to, right? 

In season 1, Ted was an excellent coach; he knew exactly what his players needed to hear and truly united a disjointed group. In season 2, of course we see him take a step back, leaving Nate and Roy to coach for the most part, and they do not have that wise, fatherly touch. I want Coach Lasso back in season 3, solving conflicts, using metaphors and manufacturing scenarios that help people grow, and maybe help Colin come into his own this year (he is a strong and capable man)

Edwin Akufo is coming back and it’s gonna be bad. I’m so scared about what he has planned. I don’t think he needs to team up with Rupert or Nate at all to wreak havoc on Sam’s life or Richmond as a whole and that makes me even more worried. Maybe he buys Cerilium Oil and straight up destroys all of Nigeria (evil overlord billionaire type stuff) 

I don’t want Nate to return to Richmond. He’s entitled and a narcissist and has been since day one when he had no power and it just got worse once he was given power. He thinks he’ll be respected as a head coach for West Ham United, but he’s a mere bargaining chip for Rupert and will be disposed of as soon as the team loses to Richmond. He won’t get the respect he thinks he’s owed because he is a terrible leader and he’ll realize that when he’s fired and no team wants him.

I’d love to see Ted actually show that he’s learned a thing or two about soccer and not still be oblivious to the rules 3 seasons in. Let’s show some growth, come up with a play that’s not American football inspired.

I hope Roy and Keeley find some kind of work-life balance in their relationship and they stay together. I feel like their relationship will be strained or they’ll be “on a break” for the first half of the season and then they’ll find each other again towards the end.

More team shenanigans! More Jan Maas! More Dani Rojas! More Isaac McAdoo! I love all of them

Higgins might be my favorite character, he has the best jokes, he’s the most stable character, I love his wife and family - too cute. I’d love for him to get a storyline, playing on the few heart-to-hearts he’s had with Ted, Keeley, and Jamie. He’s a great husband and a great father so maybe he helps someone in that regard.

Okay so similarly to Ted making a bet with Rupert to con him out of his seats in the owner’s box, I think they’ll place another bet leading up to the final showdown between the two teams or just the final match of the season and if Richmond wins, they get Nate’s contract or Rupert has to resign, idk and if Rupert wins, Ted has to go back to the states or Rebecca has to sign over ownership of Richmond back to him since the club is the real love of his life? 

I kind of want Ted to yell at someone. Could be Rupert, could be Akufo, could be Nate, Could be Jamie’s dad, literally any of the established villains.

I don’t want Ted to end up with Rebecca , or Dr. Fieldstone, and I don’t want him to end up with Sassy. They’re too English for him, he needs someone who thinks his puns are funny and who doesn’t like tea (bare minimum criteria -I know Sharon doesn’t like tea but still, I don’t like the idea of him dating his therapist either). Maybe he finds someone on Bantr and they connect with humor and weird regional colloquialisms <3

[tropicalfreckles]

Just because tw*tter has weirdos on it, I kind of feel more comfortable rambling about this topic on my own blog here.

There has been a LOT of discussion about the thing with D*sney, colorism, and L*lo&St*tch + H*waii lately.

And I'm glad to see the discussion on the table for people who are actual natives of H*waii, born and raised there no less, being able to shed light on a lot of issues that have been going on for a while. I've known at least a little bit about it for a year or so now, but some stuff I still obviously don't know because.

One, I'm disconnected from my own culture(sadly, I would like to actually know way more about it. I wish I could learn the language, but I'm someone who needs to learn in a environment that isn't a phone language app and none of my nearby family members speak the language, only ones who do are on the islands.), not because I am biracial, but because my dad was disconnected from his own culture because his mother's mother never had time to teach her kids anything since she had like fucking 13 kids to raise as a single mom. Also cause of other things that are personal family stuff I don't want to get into, basic of it is dad is an ass that further disconnected himself from his own culture and only cares about it when it comes to food and music. So, because of that, and I don't know my distant cousins very well on the Islands (I never get to go to family reunions because I'm broke, thx US g*vernment for making H*waii too expensive to go to, really love that) and my knowledge is VERY limited. I have to learn from others online.

Two, what I do know, I see gets easily buried under so many other things because the truth of the matter is. Barely anyone here on mainland cares about H*waii. It's just a fun, little tourist attraction to them and the suffering of the people, struggling to AFFORD to stay on their home land, is not important to them. Not surprised from what I've been hearing from natives that D*sney plays a shitty hand in the problem with t*urism.

Three, c*lorism really is such a big deal in a lot of places in the world, and it's shit that it's once again being painted loud and clear by H*llywood, but what else is new. I already knew this movie was not going to be a good adaptation, not because all of the ones before it were shit (they are I mean that doesn't help it lol), but because I knew modern D*sney doesn't know their own IPs very well at all. I mean, D*sney has always sucked as a company but idk I feel like they legit don't know the actual themes of L*lo&St*tch at all and how being native was a key part of the film along with the alien stuff. Just... man, I'm tired guys.

Real tired. I wish things would stick every time this conversation about the shit things happening in H*waii happen, but nothing ever really does stick that long. Just how things always go with natives of places.

Also, this is me @ all the people that were suing Ariel as an excuse for N*ni getting white washed