#idk if anyone cares about this but I have thoughts in my brain today

[cactusbaseball]

The farther I get in academia the more I realize how bullshit the Ivy League and similar colleges are. I’m not saying you can’t get a good education or conduct cool research at any of those schools, but I really think the only thing Ivy leagues can offer that a decent public university can’t is the status of having an Ivy League degree, which only takes u so far if ur not already from a wealthy background. When I was in high school I was so convinced I had to go to a fancy private school to be successful. I got into some but couldn’t afford any, and ended up going to a big public school. But guess what! I graduated debt free, got a job in my field right out of college, and am now entering the same selective grad program as students who went to ivy leagues for undergrad. Idk if there are any stressed overachieving high school seniors reading this but if you are please know that you do not have to go into 100,000 dollars of debt going to Harvard or some shit to lead a successful life.

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[pepprs]

ok update i just finished making my card and i said / drew (lol) basically everything i wanted to say in it (except for the things i definitely can’t say now that this is happening lol). so i think maybe i might be ok with not saying what i want to say directly to her. but then when i say that im not ok with it at all LOLLLL so i think i need to sleep on it and maybe see what tomorrow brings

[strwbrymlkshake]

literalyl insane if my dumb feelings don't go away I'll have to start a normal normal rant tag for him I think –_–

[imshymorph]

Gather around everyone, here’s some soft!Gaz headcanons. Idk if it's a blorbo or me ranting and fangirling but i need to share the brain rot. another post today cause fuck it, i’ve been thinking about it for a while. also this was like a constant stream of thought and not proof read.

I truly don’t understand why this man gets ignored so much and I never will. He literally has everything you could ever want, saying he’s a ten doesn’t cut it. And yet I barely see people talking about him. (Except the gaz nation pookies, I see you).

This man absolutely bags the hottest significant other, doesn’t even know how. Don’t get me wrong, he 100% has rizz but he’s also just naturally attractive and inviting so i feel like by the time he starts to flirt on purpose it’s been two hours of pure smoothness. He’s also absolutely whipped but plays it off really smoothly.

- - - - -

Not only does he bag the hottest and meanest pookie aka you, but he also absolutely knows he did. And he’ll let right about everyone else know. I do think he’s more private about his life than say Soap, so it’s not like he’ll stop a random recruit and tell him about you (which i truly believe Johnny would do). But he has absolutely followed Price around base while he tells him about the two weeks leave he took to be with you.

Poor Price on his desk, dealing with the paperwork that comes as a necessity after Ghost and Soap blew something up during a drill that didn’t involve explosives at all. Not only is he having to fill out like fifteen different forms and reports, but he has Gaz sitting across from him, scrolling through his gallery and showing pictures of the place he took you out to on your Friday dinner date. Not only that but if Price just pretends to look but doesn’t actually pay attention Kyle will know and insist until the captain actually looks at the slideshow.

He doesn’t hammer your dates' knowledge onto Soap and Ghost as much, but he’ll definitely do subtle flexes. He chest the time on his phone instead of his watch so they’ll see the picture of you he has as a background. If someone brings up a weekend plan he’ll say how he can’t because he’s already going out with his darling. Subtly will tell anyone that will listen how you got him his new shirt, pants, cap, whatever it is tbh.

He also knows every single product that you prefer, doesn’t matter what kind it is. Makeup, skincare, cologne, fabric softener, snacks, beverages, food places, clothing brands. He doesn’t care, he knows all of them by heart. It’s like he has a six sense too, every time you’re close to running out of them he’ll randomly stop in the store on his way back to you from base and get them.

While i headcanon that Johnny gets into skin care after his darling introduces him to it (which you can read here, if you want). I believe Kyle absolutely has his own routine and that he is the one who first brings up the idea of having a spa night once a week. He’s the one to get the products, he even goes all out and does them themed, like by scent or colour or something.

Has a bunch of hoodies in rotation (or any other clothing piece you might steal from him) always making sure to wear at least one of them for a few days before “forgetting” it at yours or “forgetting” to take it to base once you’ve moved in together. He knows how much you love wearing them and how important it is that it smells like him. So he dutifully makes sure you always have a fresh Kyle™ piece of clothing available. Also it absolutely works for him too because he takes back the one you’ve had with you meanwhile. The mix of your cologne, body wash and fabric softener his favourite scent for sure.

And last but not least of my Gaz is the perfect boyfriend agenda (for today) is the fact that i know he just gives the best back massages. You don’t even have to ask for it, he’ll just come to the living room, lightly pat your shoulder so you move forward. He fits himself between the couch and your back and just gives you the massage of your life. He just laughs it off when you tell him he could be a masseuse if he ever retires from the military.

It takes less than 5 minutes to have you absolutely melting, and when he’s pleased with how comfortable and relaxed you look he just pulls you back against his chest. His arms wrap around your waist and his chin rests on your shoulder as you sit between his legs, the both of you watching a random show he saw good ratings of.

[izuhan]

coming home exhausted︱stray kids (maknae line)

pairing: boyfried!skz x gn!reader ︱ genre: fluff, comfort slight hurt ︱warning: a little suggestive, grammar mistakes, not proofread, FELIXDFJIGEFJKDGFJKG

a/n: idk if i made these long or what but it might not be like the hyung line part but i hope you still enjoy this! i might have not been possessed by whatever that was at that time, I tried my best hhehe

⸝⸝han♡ᵎ

— no matter what anyone says about it, (affectionately) annoying you with pictures of him whining with text below, middle, or above will be a sure tactic to put you off work and head home early.

— with the immense amount of “I'M LONELY COME HOME” texts, voice messages, and annoyingly adorable photos do concern others, hell, even him. after sending them with a huff, cheeks puffing cutely in his hoodie—different scenarios come and bother his mind.

— whether that might be you scolding him to prohibiting stuff to happen he will space out with a blush-- not hearing the door clicking open, bags on the floor making a thud, keys clashing against one another, and a han spacing out, and you, slumping against him.

— he has this adorable habit of spacing out and blocking the world but himself. you love it because you could do almost everything as you let him stare at the ceiling or you, we are talking about wide-eyed han, face blank and almost like a cat preparing for an attack and han? he just jolts, the first resort either to hug you and tell you about his wild thoughts, or run to you and hug you while he tells you about his wild thoughts. (mostly animal wild thoughts, yes, of course.)

— however, without a glimpse of his thoughts being of you, you sneak and flopped atop of him. you melt, he's warm, you’re home, you think to yourself. you smile and softly sigh, no energy to say anything other than a sweet “hi ji,”

— seungmin once said “y/n’s voice he can hear, ours vanish.” it’s true. your voice will break through the trains of his thoughts. he practiced not to react violently, and he’s glad he did.

— his heart would leap a mile, his brain processing the sight of your eyes gently shut, your arms lying beside him, and your body close to his. every beat of his heart tells him to haul closer, or at least press a little harder by embracing you gently, eyes closing shut with the biggest smile he’d ever made today.

— han would feel his heart ache when he pulled your face even closer to his as you do the same, smile crumbling away as tears race down your cheeks. his own producing tears at the corner of his eyes, he sat up suddenly, the couch didn’t have enough space for the both of you and the last thing han wanted at this moment was to hurt you even one bit. 

— so he would carry you again, wrap your arms around his neck, and your legs around his waist. you would repeatedly slur “i love you, i love you, i love you, i love you, i love you,” on the way, he would burst into a fit of beautiful laughter, carefully taking care of your clothes, kissing your temple and your hair, arms up, the shirt he's wearing slipping off his body.

— “it got warm with my temperature, that would calm you right?” another kiss on your arm, raising up and down as the shirt settles, “i love you,”

“not the right answer, baby. geez, they did a number on you huh?” and another set of kissing on your tears-stained cheeks, and eyes. “i'm not liking how they're treating you there,”

“i can manage, there's still a little left to work on, but i can manage,”

“can't convince me, you sound like a broken record. i hate it.”

— han would shut you up with more kisses and would let you do anything to him in that state of yours. let you pinch and play with his cheeks until it feels numb, play with his hair until sleep hits you while he hums to the tracks he’s working on, hitting two birds with one stone. you lay flat on his chest or he lay flat on your chest, or on your side, watching over his baby either falling asleep or enjoying his presence. after all, you deserve it-- everything nice and lovely.

⸝⸝felix♡ᵎ

— you know he plays games right after he’s done with work and you’re still not home, though you know he times his games to be sure he’s done by the time you arrive to enjoy the luxury of the night. and so, he wouldn’t notice your late text of overtime and coming home late, right? No.

— he loves you, he has said that multiple times you need an earful of his love confession, and you two would cry over it after one is uncertain of another’s love and affection. 

— but today, you wish he wouldn’t love you as much because knowing your lover and how he could be upset with a slight change of plans you two agreed upon--coming home late, expecting him to be in his room playing computer games could be a relief.

— but there he was, arms crossed, a look which translates to trouble. “i saw your messages. you took another co-worker’s shift, and the reason was that you’re free and reliable?” he’s sitting on the sofa, the frown on his face could never be good to be something different. 

— neither of you is fond of fighting, either resolve it as quickly as you could or sleep next to each other with a heart shattered and hollow. “you’ve been doing too much already, haven't you noticed? you don't talk to anyone anymore.”

— felix would never be afraid of talking ill to the world you both live in if it were to be treating you like shit for these past few weeks. “even i don’t get to hear your voice often, all you do is work,” uncontrollably, he puffs his cheeks a bit, a childish act he and han shares.

— and you laugh, raw and hot tears as your breath hitch for a moment and fall on your knees. you feel sorry for him, and for yourself. you don’t even have anything to prove yet here you are, so miserable and pathetic and so exhausted troubling your only escape from reality. you simply couldn’t notice felix holding you as you fell.

— “s-sorry lix, forgive me—” but because he is your escape and he’s much more aware of it than you are, he cries with you. truly, what you’ve heard about humans crying easily being disguised as angels can apply to him; how can he be so precious?

— and despite his being upset he carries you to bed with him, hovering on your body seeking his warmth and weight which he doesn’t give yet. what he gives is a sight of his many ways of conveying his love, “drink up first bub, then let's cuddle.”

— you want to break into tears again, waste the water he put in the effort to deliver to you just so your waterworks breaks down because you love him too much and he loves you too. “such a crybaby, I'll lock you up with me for a while yeah? i can’t let you beat yourself up like this, bub.” you gulped everything, smiling and bopping his nose. “sounds scary, lixie.” he pouts, kissing your lips and guiding your head back to the pillows, caressing your head as he smiles between the kiss.

— “maybe it is, but i want you to be healthy and happy, if you're unable to do so by yourself, let me have this opportunity and make you achieve those in my ways.” he kisses you again, pressing his weight against yours, studying your many expressions before settling down beside you, holding you dearly.

— and of course, you would let him, why wouldn’t you?

⸝⸝seungmin♡ᵎ

— coming home for seungmin is a reward and an end-of-the-day kind of thing where nights or midnights could be in between memorable and barely memorable, or a blur. he does his usual routine while you do yours. no one interrupts anyone, all could be heard were the sounds of the water running, bottles opening, grunts, groans, and subtle satisfied moans after a long day-- before a silence would ensue once both are done and gazes would meet, twin hearts calm before starting beating rapidly.

— you could say he prefers silent nights, away from the noise of the world, and create one with you.

— as much as he likes silence when the home is without you, he can't meet your gaze and race to the bed, or lovingly smile and hold your hand.

— and on those nights he felt alone, he dwells on things he should do before bed while you expect him to sleep before you. how dare you think of that?

— but of course, that was only his mind speaking to him before he would grab his journal, writing ‘again, my love is late. i await for y/n’s gaze and presence yet again. i feel greedy. this is the worst.’

— and his manifestation of your arrival would soon come through when you're summoned right in front of him.

— his hands tremble at the sight of his lover, who always greets him with a smile, reaching for his hand—you look awful as ever. swollen eyes accompanied by darkened eye bags, lips trembling, and nose runny and red. “y/n—”

— it will always be a shock to see you in such an exhausted state and it drives him crazy to think you’ll let yourself descend like this. it’s immoderate, but he did stay calm and collected to avoid panicking you furthermore.

— seungmin would ease you down with his voice and his embrace, purposely making you fall in his arms and kissing your forehead gently. he would carry you to the bedroom now that your gazes have met, and rather than hearing your apology, he focuses on how you’re breathing.

— “you can’t go anywhere tomorrow, you need to stay here and rest,” and you wouldn’t protest his idea because you know better than do that since he will give you a reason to stay and unable to go anywhere other than stay in his arms.

— you would lace your fingers together, taking your time drinking in yourself some of seungmin’s cute expressions because he’s remaining still, not wanting to disturb what you’re doing as he flutters himself. it tugs at his heart violently, hopeless at how lovely you look whilst exhausted, “thank you for taking care of me, i love you,” weakly, you would catch his lips on yours, and almost immediately, though still reminding himself you’re exhausted, he would give in, taking the lead as he puts you on his clothes.

— you love to giggle after kisses, and he loves every second of it he does it himself as well. “i love you too,” and a kiss would end your night, recharged by seungmin’s everlasting love.

⸝⸝i.n♡ᵎ

— i.n’s youth-ness comes out when it comes to you. his friends tease him about wanting to go home with you when there’s always a chance to like some high school romance. nevertheless, he doesn’t care.

— he loves waiting for you because he knows you’ll hurry up and meet him where you agreed upon. above all else, your figure getting closer to him while you wave and call for him was always adorable it makes his heart warmer than on summer nights.

— there is an ulterior motive for sometimes spotting a hotel or a spontaneous trip to a hot spring or a shopping spree or simply stopping at some shop to buy anything. always and always, when you’re done with your work and stick to his side to go home, he would always and always, wants to spend those moments filled with nothing but the loveliness of your relationship, if that makes sense. he wants to be able to see sides of you he hasn’t seen before and show you the sides of him he’s ready to show. he wants to be able to hold hands freely, steal kisses till you’re flustered and red, until you’ve reach home.

— there are times you were late, but no worries, you still arrive though slightly more tired and his plan to walk around a park and swing would vanish for another night.

— tonight was quite the same, though a bit different-- you arrived 4 hours late.

— obviously, he was a bit upset but worry overshadowed everything once he has you in his arms then to a cab, then to your shared apartment.

— all happened too fast because he saw your face fighting the urge to cry.

— and he was right... and still upset.

— you would not cry to him. you ate and left to shower. and he hates it. how you’re avoiding him just because you could lash out and say things you don’t mean.

— “y/n, let’s take a bath together.” he doesn’t mind whether your face twists in confusion or how your exhausted face heats up to a beet-red color, he didn’t mind your protest when he carried you, pressing your head close to his heart. “let me take care of you, okay?” you wouldn’t have the heart to counter him, just no.

— the bath would be prepared at the right temperature in silence and a bit of conversation to conversation only to fall in silence once more. he would attempt another conversation but stopped midway to splash water on your face. 

— “now you can disguise your tears,”

— he would distance himself, creating room for your legs and... for you to come to him. it seems unfair on both ends. you need comfort, yet here he is acting horribly. “i’m not one of them to have you lie to me and pretend you’re alright.”

— yet his plan to have you come to him soon shatters as your tears began to betray you, your eyes set and seeking for him. your hands looking for his in panic. plan butchered, i.n would immediately embrace you in the bathtub, paying no mind to the water out on the floor. “so—sorry...”

— his heart aches, seeing you like this but would make up for it with his body pressing against yours, holding you so dear and close. as you cry nonstop, he would too. apologizing and promising to take care of you and react appropriately next time.

— your heart would soon warm-up against the cold water, and you could sleep in this position you’re in. though you wouldn’t want to, though i.n’s grip on your waist were gentle and loose, you would want to stay awake.

— “is it alright to tell me what happened?” he would ask, feather-light kisses on your shoulders. it continues until almost every part of your body would be covered in his traces, and would still go on in bed, where, again, he wishes for you to stay with him the next day to which, obviously, you agree. you can never say no to him.

[rbr4c1ng]

Hii! I was wondering if you could maybe explain the bus bros fallout or p2p gate or pretty much all of the McLaughlin-Newgarden lore to me since I'm only getting in to IndyCar now and I want to be caught up before the 500. I understand this is a big ask but I've seen that youve posted about it and I just NEED to know. Any links to other pieces of lore would also be much apreciated. Completely understand if you don't want to write anything though so thank you so much I advance!! <3

YES ABSOLUTELY I WILL EXPLAIN! this is my special interest dw i could write an 18 page essay about their lore.

SO basically scott came into indycar from supercars in 2020-2021 ish and him a josef started getting along like super well, which is honestly a bit odd bc josef is known to not really let people get so close to him, so scotty is a bit of an outlier in that respect.

eventually! they make bus bros!!! wooooo everyone loves it etc etc they have fun making it…. until they don’t! leading up to their breakup there were QUITE a few clues that they knew it was gonna end in flames like scott talked about it on off track (see audio excerpt below) and on hot seats with hinch if i remember correctly?

there’s also a fair share of articles that mention it. they basically knew it was inevitable but i don’t think anyone thought it was gonna happen so quickly??

so then the winter break leading into the 2024 szn happened! this is about when i started getting really into bus bros and was honestly pretty present for some of this shit (i was at the daytona 24 and st pete so i’ve got some first hand evidence but we will get to that later)… anyways so the rumors start going around that bus bros is over around?? st pete time i think??? a little bit earlier. which is odd given that they seemed okay with each other at the daytona 24, even though i thought it was strange that they weren’t both on tower motorsports anymore cause josef switched to penske porsche but GENERALLY it seemed okay (although based on this pic idk their relationship seems a little charged atp but it’s all speculation really)

then after the rumors come out i think it was jenna fryer’s article that did it in? (idk it has a paywall on it for me right now and i don’t care enough to find it here but there’s definitely excerpts floating around) now i do recommend to take anything jenna fryer says with a grain of salt bc she is essentially a gossip columnist for all intents and purposes. but the article basically said that josef and scotty were done and scott wouldn’t answer any questions about it and was only saying that they’re fine or to ask josef about it (tea from todays 100 days to indy episode actually…). they promptly took down the bus bros merch site and have been relatively quiet since then. at st pete they talked on the podium and didn’t seem too bad but i’ve seen other clips where they won’t even sit next to each other or speak to each other so take that as you will. podiums are pretty much just publicity, cameras everywhere, you’d probably want to seem at least cordial with your teammate.

(pic 1 is mine, pic 2 is a pic of my tv from todays episode LMFAO)

so heres where most of the speculative stuff comes in. Josef dissolved his media company, unfollowed everyone, and cancelled bus bros leading into the 2024 season because he wanted to “get rid of distractions”, and really we could leave it at that, but i find it hard to believe that that’s the only thing that happened.

Josef is the dictionary definition of Penske Perfect, you won’t get any closer to it than him. he’s fucking OBSESSED with this idea of being perfect. perfect season, perfect body, perfect car, perfect team. obviously this isn’t feasible, but scotty seemed to have broken through that block in his little Penske Perfect brain and got him to LIGHTEN UP A BIT. and then the 2023 season happened. sure, josef won the indy 500 but it was one of his worst season finishes in a while and, to make matters worse, scott BEAT him. little scotty mac, supercars champion transplant from 2021 beat josef newgarden at his own fucking game after breaking down his walls and making him soft. i can see how that scared josef honestly. so he ended it. Scott doesn’t see things on a plane of winning/losing imo, everything is just experience for him. hell, he didn’t even know if he would end up in indycar and he sure as hell didn’t think he’d win races so soon AND beat his teammate. to josef, it’s JUST winning/losing. if he’s losing, he needs to be better. and he lost sight of that for the 2023 season. that’s why he had to come back and put an end to the shenanigans bc he knows scott makes him soft.

but that’s just my speculation!!!!! literally could just be nothing. maybe it is to josef, but i know for a FACT it isn’t to scott.

OH and with the p2pgate stuff! basically they had a component in their car that. was not supposed to be there! that prevented race control from turning off their push to pass like normal. (marshall pruitt has a rlly good article explaining it all here) and they were caught in long beach when race control forgot to turn on the push to pass during the sunday warm up and HMMMMM why do the penske cars still have it???? when has this happened before??? oh ok st pete! now they’re disqualified. josef used 9 seconds of p2p when it was not enabled and scotty only used 1.9 and will used none. so i’m led to believe that it was a josef-centered choice IF it was intentional to use the p2p when it was supposed to be inactive.

now josef really laid down the water works for that press conference at barber to the point that i was having a VERY hard time watching it. i felt bad for the guy. he seemed really fucking upset and i almost believe that it WASNT on purpose but. it’s just too good to be true right?

honestly i think this all could tie back to the downfall of bus bros in that scott maybe didn’t want to do the p2p thing but josef was willing to? and maybe that caused some sort of divide between them bc then again for josef it’s about Winning No Matter What, and yes scott wants to win but cheating isn’t the way for him. idk.

for more of their lore when they WERE friends, watch bus bros (duh), admit one, 100 days to indy, scott learns america: nashville, hot seats with hinch, and listen to scott’s episode on off track with hinch and rossi! also there are some very brief interactions between them on some older penske games videos before bus bros was even a thing but it’s not much. there are more but i can’t think of them rn…

sorry for rambling, if you have any more qs feel free to ask!!! i’m always available for brain picking :)

[caramelstarlight]

Hi! I really like your works, I’ve just been too shy to send in anything. If your taking prayers right now, maybe a Tighnari x reader, where reader is Alhaitham’s sibling and can be described as the Akademiya’s “crazy lady” always coming up with insane/crazy theories and projects, will rant about topics that even leave the Sages scratching their heads, but still highly respected. People are really surprised when they learn that Tighnari and the reader are dating and Alhaitham's sibling. (sorry if it's a lot) I understand if your busy and not taking prayers at this time.

✅ /⭐️ Yeahh bestie I gotchu. Prayer is accepted!!

(Points to you for being a person who didn’t use anonymous xd! They can be so rare sometimes.)

Gonna make us Rtarawhist or whatever. Ngl I’m kinda in genshin as a character. Aka Layla. I used to have a mini Cryo vision and I like swords the best. My name is similar spelling to layla but has the same way of pronunciation.

Illuminating the Flora

(F reader/lil sis of Alhaitham x Tighnari)

(Characters: Tighnari, F Y/N, Alhaitham, Layla, Cyno, Nilou, Collei) (Hydro vision, Sword) (Healer / Attacker)

Sypnosis:Female reader who loves coming up with Theories that are beyond understandable to anyone else beside them(Al-Haitham excluded prob????) meets her partner. Fluff with fighting(Extroverted reader, they would be rambling on about their theories so they’d be social-?)

Story under cut! (Slight angst bc of fighting???) (Can be read as G/N if you ignore the Al Haitham calling you his sister.) (Keeping this in mind that it’s Rtawahist)

“Heyy Layla!” You said as you waved to her excitedly. Going towards the sleep-deprived woman. Holding a few pieces of paper as she saw you while near the fountain. (The one in her hangout where you meet!) She’d wave silently interested in what’s you come up with today. She and her other half found it interesting of what your brain could think of so quickly. It may not make a lot of sense to them but they see how happy you are so they don’t dare to ruin it.

“What’s you come up with this time Y/N?” She’s ask yawning in between her sentences. Having another all-nighter… placing herself on the fountains edge. Being careful to not get herself wet. You mimicked what she did before explaining what you had come up with.

“you see, if the stars and planets are made of dust, shouldn’t water in the space make them grow or dissolve? Especially the sun! It’s blazing hot! It’s worse than traveling to the desert sometimes.” You’d question yourself trying to come up with an answer as she laughed quietly. “I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t grow or dissolve. I don’t think they’d really be affected by the water.” A few talks with Layla seemed to help you with your theories and projects that you could do. Wondering if others could agree with your theories. You may be young but your mind is always head of your years. Same goes for Al-Haitham. maybe it runs in the family…

“I’ll be off Layla! Thanks for helping me sort my thoughts out.” You’d say. Waving goodbye as she went to her class. Your next class is about Zodiacs. What makes people them in a sort of way, it is believed that your birth month changes you slowly but helpful in the process.

Seeing him in the class brought you great joy. He was always early to his classes and you happen to share two classes. You took your seat as your gaze lingered on him for a bit of time. Before you turned your head away and back to the front. (Zodiacs and about plants like the Nilotpala lotus, such as why they only bloom at night or time sensitive ones.)

—After class— (idk what they learned ;-;)

“Tighnari!” You’d say as you catched up to him leaving the classroom. He stared at you with a smile before turning his head back towards his neutral view. You two turned into a different area. Seemingly no one was nearby. So they shouldn’t hear the conversations. (Someone’s gonna hear and it’s gonna be like Alhaitham)

He’d hold you gently, taking in your scent from your hair for a few moments as he wrapped his tail around you. “I heard you came up with another theory. I’d be keen on hearing it sometime before you forget it.” He’d joke, knowing you’d move from it quickly.

“Maybe later…? I just want to relax with the free-time we have today.” You’d tell him. Enjoying his warmth and presence. He lowered his ears and gazed at you lovingly. Silently telling you that he also wanted to do so. He gave you a little peck on the cheek as focused on you. Looking at what you had chosen to wear today.

A similar outfit to Layla but more adorned with jewels symbolizing wishes and more based on daylight. You always wore a different outfit with a new combo. It was refreshing to you and fun, it didn’t cost much as you had your brother getting what you wanted. (Dw you don’t buy much-)

You enjoyed the time silently as Tighnaris ears perked. Alerting the both of you, as he lowered an raised them. Hearing someone coming. But it was too late till they saw you both. It was your big brother, the scribe.

You both quickly departed from one another. Both blushing brightly as he looked with a slightly amused expression. “Al- al Haitham-?!” Tighnari stuttered, hoping he would keep a secret for him. You’d look away and towards a wall in embarrassment.

“You never told me you were dating. But I suppose my little sister always keeps her secrets hidden.” Al-Haitham said as he turned you around to not face the wall. “H-hey! I have my own life too y’know! You don’t need to be a know-it-all about me just because I’m your little sister!” You’d retaliate back to him. Not thinking about your choice of words. Whisper-shouting to him as Tighnari malfunctioned.

“Your siblings?!” He’d whisper shout at the both of you as you and him nodded. Realizing not many knew you were related and just thought you had the same last name but different families. (Like so many ppl can have the last name Takahashi bro- I have seen so many ppl with it)

“Oh you didn’t know-? I thought you did-?!” You’d say back at Tighnari. Hoping the whisper shouts wouldn’t gather your friends or strangers.

“No I didn’t!” He’d say as Tighnari held one of your hands. “Realizing it now I should’ve known sooner… same last name and age.” He’d sigh, lowering his ears and tail in dissapointment.

“Hey it’s okay! Not many people know…”’your state trying to cheer him up as Al-Haitham talked to him about being your boyfriend. He had trust in him that he would take care of you. Walking away from the area and onto the outside / entrance / threshold of the akademiya.

(After announcing your relationship with Tighnari and being siblings with Al-Haitham.)

People were gasping. It’s as if they struggled to breathe oxygen. Leaving many shocked and puzzled. None knew about your lover and brother.

Turns out Tighnari needed a few materials from the desert. So you went with him. Unknowingly, the news about your status of being Al-Haitham sister spreaded quicker than the reaction, a target now plagued into your back unknowingly. Tighnari flicked his ears, getting cautious as the fur on his tail bristled.

You noticed this quickly. He grabbed you suddenly, dragging you away from what seemed to be eremites. Dodging their arrows as you both hid behind some tall rocks. He’d shush you quickly as he heard them going closer. Grabbing your hand again. Leaving before they went to your spot. Using your hydro vision to make the sand wet in a different direction. The eremites followed it. You both successfully left.

or do you thought. Eremites came up from behind as they happened to have backup. Your eyes widened as Tighnari went in front of you. Getting stabbed into his stomach. Shielding you from the hit.

You’d shout at the eremites seeing what they did. Healing Tighnari quickly as he got up. Using his mine to confuse the eremites. You used it as a chance to bloom as he used his three quick charged shots. Healing him with your skill. Dodging attacks as they swung at you, hitting your arm as you got knocked to the ground. Dodging more attacks while kicking them away and up onto your feet using your burst while Tighnari used his. (For context, you summon stars to follow you and heal everyone while having increased crit dmg,rate,atk and healing. The stats have a big first impact like Kiraras but has a decent amount of damage after its first few hits. Skill is you harnessing hydro power like Candace and dealing healing/dmg.)

“There’s still more?!” You’d state as more kept coming towards the both of you. Keeping your health from hits up high. (Tighnaris still wounded, it’s not like in genshin where they get injuries and nothing happens beside hp bar.) A flash of lightning appeared with a wave. It was cyno and Nilou?!

“I was looking for these eremites.” Cyno stated as he charged forward. “I saw you both fighting and went to go get cyno!” Nilou said worriedly as she helped with the fight. Eventually the waves of eremites ended quickly. Seeing cyno was always a bad sight for those against him.

“Thank you cyno and nilou!” You’d say as you looked at them for a few moments hearing them speak as you tended to Tighnaris wounds carefully. Using your hydro power to heal him.

“You’re welcome Tighnari and Y/N.” They’d both stated as you checked on everyone’s injuries. They left as you took Tighnari back to Gandharva Ville.

“Heyy! Collei!” You’d say as you saw collei coming closer to the two of you. Worrying about the both of you as you headed with Tighnari to get himself patched up. When he woke up collei left you both alone with one another.

“I’m sorry narii! It’s my fault you got injuries if I just never announced it with you and kept it a secret for a little longer-MMH?!” You’d state as he kissed you. Preventing you from bad-mouthing yourself. He held you close as you stared at his blood-stained jacket on the side. Wrapping his tail around you comforting you efficiently.

“You did great. Don’t be a worrywart for me?”He’d ask you, looking at you with slight puppy eyes and adoration. His voice was soothing as you both sat in comfortable silence. You eventually fell asleep.

(ENDING 1)

He gently Carried you to the bed. Making sure to not wake you up as he gazed at you when he settled you down and went next to you. Wrapping his tail against you again as he put his chin above your head. Using his arms to bring you closer to him. You leaned into his touch and into his chest. He gazed at you and played with your hair for a few moments before falling asleep.

(ENDING 2)

He gazed at you sleeping in his arms. Staying in the hug position as he grabbed a nearby book and read it. Preparing and studying for tests. Knowing you’ll need his help later on with preparation. He gathered a few bits of info and left it on the side. Putting you on the couch as he left to go do work with collei before returning shortly.

(Kinda glad how this turned out ngl! This was fun imo as I like being super imaginative about certain things.)

(Hope you enjoyed!!)

[de4dlyniightshade]

heyy :) erm im gonna fangirl really quick and then the request will be at the end incase you wanna skip to that part or anything, lol. okay so this is very much unnecessary and unasked for and blah blah but i don't care! i believe writers need to hear how much we appreciate them and their works because whew mama! ive been trying to write fics for like months and it actually is so horrible. i genuinely start to angrily vibrate bc my thoughts don't flow on the notes app. but i just wanted to say, nightshade, (ehehe that's so cheeky and silly for some reason) that i reallyyy love your work. its actually like horrific how much your writing just makes me so 😜😊🤭 i know you're not like a celebrity or anything, so it's gonna be weird with this like mini parasocial relationship thing, but please know your work has an impact !! a few months ago, i did something extremely bad and out of character while i was spiraling, and i decided that the best decision for me would be to quit using social media. (and beforehand i had quit using tiktok for like 7 months already and i wasn't that addicted to my phone but i still was consuming negative media) so, ofc, i stopped completely for a good month or so and only ever using youtube every now and then. buttttt, one of the first social media platforms i came back to first... was tumblr! it's actually so silly too because i only used tumblr like 4 times beforehand so i was quite new. but anyway anyway (im a yapper UGH) i really found that your posts had made me feel happy :) idk they kinda reminded me of myself before i went big bad that one time and it made me inspired to go back to how i used to be... u get me?? you're writing literally haunts my brain oh my lord it should be illegal to read your stuff because afterwards i literally have this crazy ass urge to read more and more and more. im lowkey an addict cause i be having my deadlynightshade withdrawals. the way you write is just so 😫 gosh, it's beautiful. i also love ur sillyness because like ME TOO. your random little posts are so me coded and i love it. YOU'RE SO FUNNY 😭 uhmm i just wanted to say thanks for being super cool and talented because believe it or not, the stuff you put out makes me really happy! (that was so melodramatic like mf they write about spencer being a pathetic pussy drunk bitch why are you saying it changed ur life?? its true tho.) erm yeah that's the end of that part i just again wanted to thank you 🙏 i wish we were friends SO BAD like you're actually awesome what the fuck.... but like how do u even become friends w ppl?? LMAO ERM ANYWAY 😍 can you write a blurb or h.c or something (honestly anything will make me happy) about valentine's day?? 🤭 basically spencer being SO FUCKING SHY because you can't stop touching his hands or hair subtly or like kissing his cheek leaving marks from lipstick or like getting him his favorite snacks/drinks/books/textures/ basically a gift that made u think about him?? ugh or him doing the same with you like him being the best fucking nerd boy ever and spoiling you so much like he goes ape shit spending well over his funds limit but it's worth it because it's you? or like sweet soft cutie pie sex? at the end of the day and he's like... Erm.. Pussy for 1 please! you were so pretty today... You always are-! (I'm mentally ill and writing this at 8:37 pm on a thursday night.)

this is. the sweetest shit anyone has ever said to me i actually cried ngl to you.

i'm genuinely so thankful for the little community i have created here i never expected such an insane amount of positivity and love from people just for the whack ass shit i write but that's probably just my perpetual self hatred and disbelief that people enjoy anything about me🤞

i think it's crazy how people on the internet who have never met me, don't know me, what i look like, or anything can treat me better than any of my friends have and i'll always be thankful for that.

ALSO! i love being called funny pls kiss me i never think i'm actually funny istg

i was also planning on writing a valentines fic ALREADY but this made me wanna write it even more as a thank you for this message it genuinely made my week(can't promise it ON TIME for valentines but i can try!)

i'm also so glad that my work and blog makes you happy, there's no privilege greater than making someone smile even when they don't feel like it</3

[sphericalbee]

this is long asf and i know it STARTS w me being like 'i should kms' but im gna spoil it for u all and say that's NOT where it goes lmfao im just dumping out all my thoughts

!! very very rambly, not proofread even once, probably makes no sense and is very cheesy

i wrote a fucking novel holy shit LMFAO no hard feelings if u skip

if i can be kinda depressing for a second i think ab killing myself too much for someone who is basically fine (that might be a lie idk i don't feel like thinking ab it more rn) 😭 like the world just has so many issues i dont wna deal with,,, yk? and it would be so much easier to just move on to whatever's next, bc i KNOW ill have a fuckton of debt in college and have to live through miserable relationships and watch the earth fall apart bc our leaders r so incompetent. even now im living through like 5 genocides, insane global warming, a poverty crisis, inflation, and all of this can be boiled down to greed and hatred

also a lot of kids my age are so horrible for no reason and it's sad to think how many people just absolutely suck ass

but at the same time i won't kill myself bc there are people who i wna make sure get through everything alright, and ik i have good things to live through too

so ive compromised and decided i get to shoot myself in the head when im like 60 if i don't have a wife and the world is still a mess 💀 like i don't wna live longer than i'll enjoy it (lets be reallll global warming will kill us all before i have to do anything anyway)

surprisingly, i got a lot better after reading philosophy books? making sense of the world and appreciating the genius of the philosophers, who were ppl just like me, helps

i feel like ive found so many new ways to think ab and experience the world through philosophy. it's a beautiful part of humanity, trying to understand and having genuine fascination about the way things are and what everything means

good music helps too. yerin baek to fall in love with everything and cry over every single feeling you've ever had ever, universe mongae when that's too much and i have to detach

i listen to universe mongae a lot in class bc my classmates fuckingh SUCKK and she sets me apart from my emotions or feeling lonely when im leaving myself out on purpose bc they're not good people

a few days ago, i was listening to yerin baek as i walked back to school from lunch and the world was suddenly so beautiful and i realised how everyone else has a consciousness and worlds just as real as mine and i fell in love with everyone (by everyone i mean like 30 people)

suddenly i couldn't even care how much i missed out on or the people who i wish loved me more because in the grand scheme of things, im allowed to be careless and love without reciprocation and it won't matter because i hold no more worth than a dragonfly... to have zero expectations for what you could and should feel or be and just enjoy yerin's voice in the moment might be one of the happiest moments i've ever had, honestly

yk whats ironic? it was a love song directed as another person that made me realise i could feel love and not care if i was still no one's favorite. life is beautiful anyway because i can love and make it beautiful on my own

not that my state of 'im fine with loving everyone alone' will last very long. i mean,, im just a mammal LMAO i can't deny my own brain chemistry

even just earlier today i finished the math test earlier and accidentally started thinking ab my childhood. idk why it happened but i did

and i remembered how i was so selfish and couldn't let anyone see i was anything less than perfect

there's one memory where i mispronounced a word and a girl corrected me. and i immediately tried to say, "no i know, but my brother says it that way and i do it too on accident". she called me out, obviously, and i rolled my eyes before whispering "it's true though" in the hope that someone would hear and think "oh she actually knew that"

it's sad to think how i used to be. that's from around 7th grade, i think, so i would've been 11 maybe?

up to a few months ago i would randomly remember that and feel insane anger and hatred for my younger self

it seems so foreign to me now and weird that i could hate a child for being brought up with horrible conditions and lacking emotional maturity. i thought that if i could go back in time i would just look at her and feel bad bc i got so much better since then

maybe even love her idk she's not having fun either 💀 do u think she enjoys holding herself to absolute perfection and looking like a dumbass in front of everyone when that's inevitably impossible??

there was another time that made me so sad to think ab

i got dragged along to my brother's friend's birthday party and some kid did smth rude

and i watched as the kid got chewed out by his mom and then went to apologise to the birthday kid

and the birthday kid just said, so seriously, "I accept your apology"

and i remember thinking smth like 'whoa that's cool id be so embarrassed talking like that'

thinking ab that time (i think i was 12ish maybe) is so crazy. like my parents did such a shit job that i thought i had to be SO ALOOF and above it all that accepting an apology was weak and embarrassing?? jesus i cannot wait to move out 💀 ill send them an email when im gone telling them everything they'd send me back to therapy for

ive been reading too much philosophy, and a lot of that revolves around the meaning of life and how to achieve happiness/catharsis. but i think i have my own conclusion of what it means to be happy even without plato haha

ive never been happier than when i began to forgive and understand myself

it feels like i can live as i want and it's not important. one of my favorite quotes is "i could die tonight and hold no more significance than a dragonfly's death". i wouldn't say im a nihilist but i do like the idea that nothing means anything other than the worlds we have in our minds

it's my mission to make those i care about happy and carve out a good future for myself

ive tried to follow a lifestyle of "i work for my future without ruining my present" but ngl i just ended up anorexic literally three times in the past 5 years 💀 idek what i did wrong like DAMN?? chill tf out hggsdhgfsgd i had a panic attack over eating an extra bit of cheese one time

also fuck my parents for giving me no life skills. raising urself is really hard and you end up with so much internalised bullshit

im honestly so proud of myself for turning everything around after 8th grade

i guess i owe a lot to my classmates for not letting me get away w bullshit and caring ab political issues

it's pretty wild that i cry at movies now when last year i was apathetic all the time

i think i like having feelings? pretty undecided still ngl

i think it's a step up

but i can't even talk to my parents ab how they fucked everything up for me and i had to pull myself out pf the absolute trenchessssss or theyll make me do family therapy and ill end up forgiving them which id rather explode than do

anyway ig my point is if you're having trouble with existence or mental health, pls don't give up on yourself. i promise there's people out there who either love you or will in the future and you just need a few quality coping mechanisms to make it through the day

whether that's antidepressants, the powerpuff girls, philosophy (:33 which it should be), yerin baek (which it also should be), or vent art, find ways to make life liveable until you're ok again. bc you always will be in the end

i probably don't know you but i love you because you have a life and a consciousness

please recognise that about everyone

i read somewhere that everything will always be alright in the end and if it's not okay yet, it's not the end either. it sounds dumb and doesn't really make sense (where's the logic lmao site ur sources at least) but it's such a nice sentiment

i think ummm i will go to school and give all my friends a big hug tmrw so pls don't be sad in the meantime

anyway loossemble's new album is good im so happy for them

this is the happiest and healthiest hyeju's ever looked i lowkey wna cry over how well theyre doing ;v;

also highkey want her to put me in a chokehold like GHSFDFJFSDHGJK those ARMSSSSSS MOTHER??

fuck modhaus tho i hope artms r doing well... fucking jaden jeong ugh

[cinnaminsvga]

zee exclamations anon here!!! thoughts on min yoongi recently? how’s your emotional relationship with the memory of such an icon of your youth? also how do you feel about the little guy lately? as an artist, does he linger still as a muse? as a person, is he a vase of love still? i was just listening to time adventure from the adventure time soundtrack, and this line “will happen, happening, happened, and we will happen, again and again, cause you and i will always be back then” made me think that past is eternal, and love that once were will forever be when it was, so, it made me think of how in young forever they say “as today’s me, i want this moment to be eternal, i want to be young forever” and how yoongi now says “i want to grow up together” and how it seems it’s different but i think is the same. cause you and i will always be back then. we will grow up together, cause we are already together, cause we were together, so we are young forever. i think hope is just a loooot of love. or i think thats what it costs. like in that paramore song 26 “reality will break your heart, survival will not be the hardest part, it’s keeping all your hopes alive, all the rest of you has died, so let it break your heart” i think youth is so hopeful, and its hard to maintain that much hope as you grow up. it’s hard to see things as you once did, or feel em as you did, cause your heart breaks and things happen. so “i want to be young forever” is just so beautiful, cause its aware of how precious all of it is in that unique moment as everything is, and longs to keep it forever that way, and yet, “i want to grow up together” is the most hopeful thing to say. we’ll happen, happening, happened. some things must change to remain the same. it seems unforgiving when a good thing ends, but you and i will always be back then. growing up is an act of hope. love is eternal. the song ends with “you and i will always be best friends”. so how do you feel it zee?

im gonna be honest anon the way i just went slackjawwed when i saw this in my inbox HAHAH love u and ur little song references its like getting a personalized web weave in my inbox so thank u

hnngnghhg ive actually been rewatching some of his suchwita eps because i miss the little guy... it also massively sucks that he isnt gonna be Around for a bit, but cmon i just wanna see his bald ass head... just give me some excitement in my life... yoongi save me

and yea ofc he lingers as a muse to me... he's literally my ideal type HAHAH its kinda hard not to reference him in anything i write. even writing for other fandoms, i cant help but yoongify them somehow... i just love men who love softly but care so deeply. and yeah perhaps i have yoongi on a pedestal inside my brain and yeah maybe the version i have of him in my head isnt quite accurate but like... ITS HARD!!! NOT TO LOVE THE LITTLE GUY!!! AUGHHGDHG HES MY BEST FRIEND but not like /parasocial more like "hes my childhood imaginary friend that held my hand on the first day of school" sorta thing. he's a part of me, whether anyone likes it or not!!! like a parasite but its kinda awesome even though i think he wants to kill me sometimes. we could be like venom or something (idk never watched the movie).

kinda like how every interest ive ever had in my life kinda never leaves,,, it waxes and wanes but like at the end of the day, a lot of the stuff ive grown to love and maybe forgotten still keep a place in my heart. yoongi is my youth, and i choose to live youthfully for a long time. like ive said before, youth and love and all those sorts of things... its a lifestyle. time destroys so many things but those two stand against its claws. IT IS WHAT IT IS!!! BUT BY GOD, LETS HOLD HANDS WHILE WE'RE AT IT!!! anyway love u anon

[134340am]

for the madeup fic game, idk why my brain immediately thought of the words "banana bread" but here i am with the title "banana bread" if you can think of anything 😂

hello my pretty rae! happy tuesday <3

for banana bread, i'm thinking of a light-hearted crack fic where bokuto is cursed at birth to drop any and all foods that he compliments after the first bite.

it started when he was a kid, just a little guy at the park chomping down on some ice cream on a hot summer's day. he's saved up enough to try a new flavour—today's treat is strawberry ice cream encased in a thin layer of mochi. "yum," he mutters to himself after the first bite: a small, tentative one, where he rolls the flavour about on his tongue afterwards. when he goes in for a second, bigger bite, he drops his ice cream.

fuck.

bokuto swears by his dad's toast. it somehow tastes better, though it's just toast? the outside is a stunning golden brown, the balance between the crunchy crust and the pillowy insides is perfect, and the little pad of butter his dad slides on top the hot toast is just the right amount—enough to coat the entire surface of his breakfast without getting it soggy and greasy.

"it's just toast, but it's awesome every single time, pa," he once said through a generous mouthful of said toast, before his fingers twitch and his breakfast goes barrelling towards the floor.

gravity 1, bokuto 0.

(screw this shit, he hates it here.)

he's mindful of his compliments to the chef now. pizza, beef rice bowls, cold soba in the summer and hot oden in the winter: whatever he's eating, bokuto's careful to express his appreciation for the food only after he's had at least half of it.

until he met you.

the humble bakery down the street serving the freshest pastries has been the fruit of your labour for the past five years. lemon pound cake, pain au chocolat, darling little vanilla cupcakes and giant chocolate chip cookies—your menu is sure to satisfy anyone with a sweet tooth. your best seller, however, is your banana bread: the caramelised exterior and fluffy interior, in addition to the overpowering smell that wafts through the street every morning, had people queueing up long before your bakery opens.

bokuto is no exception.

he's almost in tears when he tries your banana bread for the first time, teeth sinking into the crispy crust to find the soft sponge underneath and a satisfied hum already brewing in the back of his throat.

before he can help himself, he speaks, "this is the best banana bread i've ever had."

shitshitshit, he shouldn't have said that.

bokuto cringes, awaiting the familiar numbness to take over his fingers, awaiting the dreaded fall of the delicious banana bread from his hand...

...but it never comes.

when he opens his eyes, he's puzzled to find the golden-brown square still intact between his thumb and index finger. huh, that's weird.

"this banana bread is— it's, um. amazing. delicious. wonderfully tasty," he tries, eyes fixated on the dessert. he even takes another bite for good measure, nibbling at the corner where a bit of caramelised crust has formed. he starts rambling when nothing happens. "this banana bread is lovely. i'd eat it everyday, for breakfast and lunch and dinner. maybe even supper, but my trainer says i shouldn't eat too late or i'll mess up my circular rhythm. my circulator rhythm? what's the damn word— anyways, this is good. like, great good."

nothing happens. his little slice of banana bread, now down to a piece the size of his thumb, sits unharmed in his hands.

a grin breaks across his face, lighting up the room almost immediately. "holy shit!"

"holy shit is right, sir." you slide into the seat opposite his, armed with another slice of banana bread on a plate. your smile mirrors his, amusement decorating your pretty features, and bokuto feels his heart rate pick up even more—something he didn't know was possible.

"i'm glad you like my banana bread. it's our bestseller, and you probably know that, but nobody's really complimented it the way you have." you laugh good-naturedly, sliding the plate across the table. bokuto's eyes flick from your face to the bread and back, heart soaring.

"well, i hope you know i was telling the truth," he starts, almost shyly. "would you, um, like to share this piece?"

send me a made-up fic title and i'll tell you what i would write to go with it!

[thekhoei]

my today bird brain just realized that Freddie Mercury and Xuân Diệu are counterparts in two different genres of art: music and literature. Both were homosexual living in a society that didnt understand and accept them, although their cause of deaths are different (while Freddie's was AIDS, Xuân Diệu died bc of heart attack). The two both built huge legacies and contributed big changes to the upgoing of rock music and modern Vietnamese literature. They were the most gentle people, the sweetest, the loveliest, everyone who knows them tells you the greatest thing about them.

I want to mention the two womans in each's life, director Bạch Diệp - the one and only wife of Xuân Diệu, who was married to XD for an only 6 months, who still remained friends with him after their divorce, who still loved him unconditionally through all the pain and grief AND Mary Austin - the love of his (Freddie) life, the dearest almost-wife who also, still loves him til his last goodbye. The fact that she was engaged to him for around 6 (?) years and both never official married, is similar to Xuân Diệu and Bạch Diệp's case. XD and BD never got a marriage license/certificate because Xuân Diệu procrastinated doing the paperwork for some reasons (i didnt know why but i can take a wild guess that it's related to his sexuality) and Bạch Diệp gave up urging him to do so.

Thanks to the two womans we have "Love of my life" and "Biển", two of the most beautiful heart-wrenching love letters that was written and dedicated to them.

"Anh xin làm sóng biếc

Hôn mãi cát vàng em

Hôn thật khẽ, thật êm

Hôn êm đềm mãi mãi."

- Biển (1962), by Xuân Diệu

(Roughly translated as:

"Let me be the blue swell

To kiss on you golden sand forever

A soft, gentle kiss

For eternity"

There is a (not mine) translation of the full poem i found on the internet, its from 2012 and idk who's the author so i will just put it here for yall to read it. It's already a soulful and ethereal poem in my language if you know the words, this translation has done its justice so i recommend you to read it.)

And Love of my life (1975), by Freddie Mercury:

"You will remember

When this is blown over

And everything's all by the way

When I grow older

I will be there at your side to remind you

How I still love you"

Two dearing pieces of poetry with full of love and caring that make my eye water.

All my loving to the one who has gone far away. RIP Freddie Mercury, Xuân Diệu and Bạch Diệp.

(pardon me if i made writing mistakes! i will talk more about these two great persons and more about Xuân Diệu and Bạch Diệp's relationship when i finish my graduation exams on the end of June (which is a long time later) if anyone's interested, rn i just write this to release this haunting thought lolol)

(also cant seem to find any picture of Bạch Diệp and Xuân Diệu together :( what a pity)

[sucktacular]

cw weight loss mention.

today.... is a good readmore!! good news!! a lil bit of a vent here and there cuz my brain is a mine field, but over all im feeling kind of good?

not to like.... pat my own lil head about it or anything but i went outside today. AND i went on a WALK on my OWN around the neighbourhood.... I've never walked around here on my own, and i think the last time I went out for a walk on my own was a year and a half ago when i had to come out here to check out the room for rent (current room). so its really been a hot fuckin minute. i was honestly feeling super anxious. but i put in my head phones and listened to my music and text-talked to some friends and it made it a lil easier. ; w;

I've been working out a lot too for the past few days!!!! My lil weights and lots of other exercises.... I feel really good about it so far honestly and I really hope maybe I can keep this up. especially through winter.

honestly im terrified of winter coming. i really dont want to feel stuck inside again and things get worse? I want so badly to go outside on my own. Be able to do shopping when I need. Go get little treats! Take care of myself and my needs. I'd really really like to work on getting a job or some sort of money source.because disability denied me over and over despite having even a therapist letter confirming like. heyyy theyre fucked up!!!, but like.... i want so badly to have money again. and i want to save and i want to put it away and also... being on social assistance im not allowed to leave canada for more than 7 days in a row and that is straining the FUCK out of my relationship and like my life moving forward at all in general. we cant go on a trip to the Adirondacks for the seasonal change and im super fucking bummed out about it honestly. and its literally just cuz of social assistance keeping me at home. its literally so fucked.

but anyway. im trying my fucking damnedest and im trying soooooo hard to keep upright and now sink and slip back down. Ive got some friends in my corner. and thats great. but its all on me at the end of the day. and if im being frank i fucking HATE HOW IM LIVING!!!!!!!! I DONT WANT!!!! TO BE DEPENDANT!!!! ON PEOPLE!!!!! i dont want to be stuck at home, the summer is fucking gone and i barely did anything.... i want to go out! i want to go to concerts! i want to go to festivals!! i want to go to meet ups and visit friends and i want to do so many fucking things!!! i want to explore, i want to see the world, i want to eat food and meet ppl and experience. i want so much out of my life. but im absolutely holding myself back. and i know its not entirely on me to just push myself out of that because i also dont want to burn out. and i know mental illness and i know i know i know.

but

im so tired of this. im literally clawing in my cage here and i dont feel like anyone really GETS that? idk idk maybe ppl do im just out of my mind and this ISNT ME. this isnt who i want to be, and i know i dont really get much of an option in that? cuz my brain is going to fucking keep doing what it is doing. but i AM getting therapy. I AM talking about the hard hard fucking shit. the shit that makes me want to kms the shit that makes me want to peel my skin off or just disappear entirely. im trying. and i dont want to crash and i dont want to burn and go back to this again. but like... idk man if i dont fucking push myself up im NOT gonna get back up. im complacent in the comfort of hiding away from life. when i want nothing more than to love everyone and kiss my friends faces and hold their hands and go to places and see things and eat things and do stuff blah blah blah

im strong.. im smart.. im creative... I CAN dance the dance. but im terrorized by the thought of existing enough to not be wanted around by even just one person LMAO;;;;;;

anyway this is getting a bit venty but

I WENT OUT!!! I WALKED FOR LIKE 30MIN. I GOT SWEATY. I CAME HOME. I WORKED A LITTLE. I DID MY DISHES YESTERDAY. I WORKED UP A HUGE SWEAT LAST NIGHT. I MAKE MY BED EVERY DAY. THE WEATHER IS CHILLING. I LOST 20LBS SINCE APRIL!!!! I HAVE A BETTER SLEEP SCHEDULE AND IM TRYING MY DAMNEST TO KEEP BRING IT BACK A BIT MORE (4/6am - 3/4pm right now. I'd love to wake up by 10am at minimum honestly). IM MOTIVATED IM TRYING SO FUCKING HARD.

i need to remember im independent. and i fucking adore my independence. and i need to stop being so complacent to allow ppl to care for me. like obv my heart is open to it and i let people in and i dont shy away. to be a human is to care and receive care. but my independence is a deeply deeply personal thing for me and without it im... just not myself. im just not me. im just not at my full potential. and i reallllly need to work it out.

[sh4tt3rg1rl]

HEY

here’s your excuse to rant about the entires

GO FOR IT

AFIAJWIUFHSAUIF

OK OK so. Dusk’s first thought is WHO TF IS SUN, people hate me, and people are depending on me. Not the greatest way to start out

She goes on to describe sun in “emotionless” detail. She probably described how she left and her addiction. (This is important)

It’s unknown HOW dusk found the bar especially considering its supposed to be well enough hidden for most people to not find it very quickly but i hc that she found it because she followed Sun there at some point or smth. Maybe Sun left something important there and she went to go pick it up for her because she was in distress??? Idk (thats not a hint to Sun Lore ™ just spittin ideas)

She then says that she wants to fall in love with someone and be cared about by someone. HMMMM. I sure do wonder why that is! “Wanted” “cared about” “loved” “lights up the room” she has priorities. I can see that she probably feels overwhelmed by all of the problems she has and wants someone SHE can lean on while everyone else leans on HER. huge oversight, northa and easton, when coding her: if everyone is supposed to depend on her, how can she ever depend on anyone else?? Hm??? 

Jesus christ the next entries. All trauma

I like how it constantly keeps hinting back to something like “hurting themselves” followed/predecessed by something among the lines of “sun got drunk again”

I then ADORE the idea of her being so overwhelmed but finding so much peace in designing her little world :hic: :sob: and then BOOM Sun. Because of course its sun. she cares about sun too much (affectionate) (evil)

“I should not speak of what I have seen today” OOOH It hit right in the heart! /ref

A lot of Sun, a lot of rise in talking about Insanity + Alpen + Sigil (just the whole sun family really) a lot of random people being hurt or hurting themselves or hurting each other. So just another tuesday in the amazing digital circus

OK havent said it yet but OH MY COD i love the fact that her so called ‘gifted’ powers cause her to pretty much notice every little thing about people’s emotions and feelings

And like. My COD the mention of “it hurting too much” when she was in the cellar… I SEE YOU ELSIE. She feels the emotions of everyone there too, doesn’t she. Along with her own emotions from seeing Sun like… that (and Sigil’s AND insanity’s)

And then she finally makes some friends!

Oops, one of them is FUCKED in the head and knows nothing other than work!

“Entry 404” YOU LITTLE- /pos

(also this is probably not intentional but 404 in pager codes means "I will always love you". smiles with tears in my eyes)

“Bob is dead” Its so over for her (mental breakdown ensues)

…I have so many more thoughts but they are rotating in my brain and i cant pull them out so this was more of a live reaction than a psychoanalysis but AW_FIJSAUFHIUAWFHIUSJFOIAFOIAFSJ FPAJWUFIHSAO IFAJWOF I LOVE THE WAY YOU WRITE ELSEI GBRAABS YOU

…want me to make a playlist for dusk?

[eglectic]

December 31 — Celebrating the Wins

Current weight: 193.2

What I ate today:

Cold brew

Big ass pan of veggies & shrimp; about 4.5 oz of macadamia nuts

Cold brew

2 baked ham & cheese sliders, 1 smoked wing, 1 banana muffin, 1 meatball

I wasn’t going to eat at the NYE party, but my friends cooked all this food and honestly when people put a lot of effort into preparing food I like to at least try it. 🤷🏼‍♀️ Actually I should have asked to take some home! I hate when I cook for people and no one even tries it. If it had been like store bought stuff I wouldn’t have eaten it.

Anywayyyy I’m not at my goal yet, but I’m staying committed until I reach it. And I want to celebrate some wins I got just from setting it! Also health related wins from this year.

I’m on average 10 pounds lighter than I was a year ago.

I spent a month weighing 185 consistently.

I proved to myself I can lose weight with or without exercise.

I got comfortable with hunger and became a lot more patient.

I got MORE committed and consistent as time went on.

I never gave up.

I learned to be kinder and more compassionate to myself. Biggest growth period for this was right after I got out of the hospital. I was looking in the mirror and bullying the shit out of myself about being broken, old, and defective. I was so cruel to me when all I needed was tenderness. I’m glad I learned to be gentler.

I prove to myself that I can survive in a new city, where I hardly know anyone, while sick, with little money and nowhere to go after the hospital.

I had to rely on the kindness of strangers and friends and actually found grace and help on the other side.

I was resourceful and had my own back even while walking around with a tube in my stomach for months.

I persisted in dealing with the mega-bureaucracy of the medical system and got surgery for myself even though I had to travel 90 miles each time I needed a test or procedure or had complications.

I took care of and celebrated my body even while under extreme physical stress and prolonged physical discomfort.

I actually took advantage of my health and physical abilities once I recovered from surgery and have been exercising, eating well, dancing, paddling, and hitting my bucket list items.

I quit smoking weed in pursuit of my weight loss goal and discovered so many rewarding byproducts.

I became soooo much more conscious of how my brain functions and I use it so much more effectively now.

I watched all the overeating masterclass videos and annotated them. I watched all the overeating workshop videos.

I got coached again and again about my relationship with food, my body, and overeating.

I changed my relationship with desserts.

I allowed soooo many urges to eat and overeat.

I learned that I can eat healthy even when I never cook or don’t have regular access to a kitchen.

I proved to myself that I can lose weight while on vacation/traveling (like when I went to Chicago). I don’t have to overeat even if I don’t know what will be served.

Ok that’s all I can think of for now! But it would be a fun exercise to try to come up with like a hundred things. I think if I did it for my other wins of the year I easily could. And now I will later this week in my personal journal! I’m talking fun wins like going on a jet ski for the first time, paddle boarding, kayaking in the keys, key west, etc. and also I will list relationship and financial/career wins.

Oh and here are some gym photos. I figured it’ll be nice to reference later as a checkpoint. By the way I pretty much never suck my stomach in in photos, so I thought I’d do relaxed but also with my stomach sucked in! Idk, why not lol

It’ll be interesting to me personally later. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Anyway I’m SO excited for the year ahead! Thanks for being here! See ya in the next post!