#idk if im putting this into the right words and i cannot talk about experiencing racism firsthand since im white but i needed to get it out

[manaosdeuwu]

they come and preach to us about 'argentina is white' 'argentina is racist' and don't look at their own history & present. we know better than anyone about how strong racism is here!! those affected by it live through it every day, you can easily see it in your day to day life and we learn about most of the genocides at school. we have the biggest jewish community in Latin America, a big muslim community, many people of different native tribes, afroargentines, etc. all of this data is easy to find with a quick research. you're not fucking helping by reproducing white supremacists discourse. who do you think benefits from the 'white argentina' idea?

[doberbutts]

hey so feel free to delete this if its inappropriate/not the right time to share it

i’m a trans woman and (obviously) i can’t get pregnant, but i did get sexually assaulted by some guys trying to show was one of them. and also having an m marker has caused issues with trying to access resources and shit.

idk this isnt the same thing and all but my point is that im standing with u as some random trans woman with vaguely parallel experiences and im sorry to hear its somehow even worse & more likely for some of yall.

I wanr to preface this with a disclaimer, to get things out of the way first.

I am not trying to say that trans women do not experience devastating sexual assaults. They do. Quite often. Though to me, even once is too often. Rape and sexual assault are terrible, awful things. It's horrible that anyone has been made to go through this.

Nor am I trying to say that your M marker doesn't get in the way of things. When it comes to the domestic violence you experience, or the homelessness rates, or a determination of what prison you go to (esp since y'all are more likely to be wrongfully accused and arrested), or the various aspects of your own reproducive healthcare, your agab and gender marker is absolutely used as a weapon against you.

The question was asked for a unique example. Unfortunately, the conversation around reproductive rights is much different for me than it is for you. But it's also much different for me than for cis women and cis men as well. Those without a functional uterus cannot get pregnant. Those who cannot get pregnant are not forcibly married off to be raped until pregnant as a means of detransition and correction. This misogyny we share with cis women.

However an added aspect of that is that if this happens after we've changed our legal documents, an additional layer of transphobia occurs when insurances and doctors see our M or X markers and deny us care out of hand. Now we are stuck with a pregnancy we don't want and constant reminder of what happened to us, or a huge medical bill with devastating financial consequences.

And that's just for those who got out safety- for those who rely on shelters, again the choice becomes detransition for safety at a woman's shelter, or struggle in silence as a man. That, we share with you, though for different reasons.

A unique interection of transphobia and misogyny specifically experienced by trans men was asked for. That is what I provided. Much like how in Crenshaw's essays one could not provide a complete understanding of "because woman" or "because black" because neither would show the full picture of "because black woman", it is not possible to describe this fully as "because trans " or "because man" because the complete "because trans man" must be provided.

I am of the opinion that there is very little "unique" about oppression- mostly that the various points of intersection change its face. In other words, I think trans men share a lot with trans women, and I don't think that's a bad thing. I also think that doesn't disclude something from earning its own name or having its own place to be talked about.

I have hesitated to post those statistics because they can so easily be twisted to say "trans women don't experience these things" or "trans men have it worse". But, a look at the graphs say the first isn't true, it just happens at a statistically less rate. The second, well, I personally don't think it's useful to quantify who has it worse. I once was in that mindset, apologizing to my mentor (an older trans woman) for complaining about my problems because obviously she had it so much worse.

She told me she doesn't like to think about it like that. For her, she would rather be raped than killed. For me, I would rather be killed than raped. Who has it "worse" depends entirely on perspective. Murder and rape are both terrible crimes to be a victim of. Rather than weighing this violence in a scale, more effort should be put into stopping it from happening in the first place. I think she was very wise. I'm lucky to have known her.

I'm sorry that happened to you. I would like to reach across the table and take your hand, to walk forward into the future together. I think we are stronger when united in this world that hates us. You are my sister. We may fight like siblings, but you're still family.

[lightningandfireinmybones]

oof okay listen, i felt like in order to best understand the latest chapter I should go back and re-read ch.6 as well. i'm glad i did!

now I was originally going to comment my thots on ch.7 but as you will see it all got derailed so.. this is a love letter to my bad bitch Val Vel.

(i'll be back for Aemond cause bestie that last chapter was a huge one)

i'm adding a read more although since this is an ask idk if it will work <3

Her best friend, her most assertive protector, and she had been unforgivably absent to him for years. Running away from demons that were part of her.

yeah... ouch Val babe! And it's well established that she's not feeling that way only about Grey Ghost, or her brother, or even Aemond. It's her entire family, her complete support network that she feels like she has let down by leaving (in her mind abandoning) and now that she is back (let's not forget the circumstances of her return; under preassure from Daemon and emotional distress over Rhaenyra's health, after a life threatening situation which was half inability to care about herself and half ectively putting herself in danger) she still feels like she cannot "Do the Right thing" to not hurt her loved ones, not be a nuisance, not cause them any more grief.

the other parts of her, the ones she’d let down repeatedly.

and that's the fucking worst! if she were self assured she might have been able- better eqiupped- to handle all that stress and most importantly, find healthier ways to deal with her trauma and guilt. But now her tattered self confidence is just a mean companion. She can be self assured and make decisions for herself but she will be left in the wake of things feeling like she messed up, like she made a stupid choice (she often does). it will only feed her self hatred and fuel her self destructive/ self harming tendencies.

baby Val... ilysm. and i like to remind myself that val isnt just a person who happens to do drugs. Instead, she is struggling with substance abuse. She is experiencing the symptoms of her horrible mental state.

She’s not nearly numb enough, the lure of oblivion strong, but she pushes through. 

The walls are up, she’s unfortunately sober, and she wants to escape. She wants to stop feeling like an unwanted failure.

also there's something so interesting about the way she interacts with Dalton. i think i love it because there are no expectations there from either side. she can just call him, give no explanation, not bother with niceties and small talk and just "order" him to service her in some way and he does. i think her relationship with him is in its own way the most freeing one she has atm? the most open?

there is no emotional baggage, it's clear to them both what it is, and let's not act surprised, he is also enabling her in her Sad Slay Era. the open acess to drugs, to sex, to that exact type of physical only affection that is enough to drown out everything else while simultaneously look nothing like the deeper, emotional bond and (im never beating the romantic accusations) love they shared with Aemond.

Dalton is cool, a fine mist, a spring day with a bit of heat. He is easy, a Sunday morning in, all easy confidence and cocky smiles.

Dalton is uncomplicated and looks, acts, talks, exists completely unlike Aemond. ofc she's calling him up.

[...] Each brush of his tongue, each nip of his teeth is pleasant, but not exhilarating.

bet. i love how every thing she does to dalton is somehow mirrored in a reverse order in her memories. like she does to him what was done to her. as a way to return to those moments safely while not being in the physical position to be reminded of aemond? since they were opposites maybe the way to distance herself from what she felt with him is to act like him? idk idk... there's sth too important hapenning here and im too dumb to put it into words but bestie you slayed!

The flashbacks Val has are devastating and i hate you for them!

“You don’t give me orders,” Aemond growls, slamming her back into the wall. “I am in control here, Valaena. Never forget that.”

which is ofc followed by a "show of dominance" from Val. baby girl... intrusive thoughts are H A R D to deal with.

Maybe Im talking out of my ass but!

in her past Aemond had been controlling and assertive and dominant and whichever other synonym we can use BUT it was in a way that she explicitly enjoyed. It was a known, well established thing between them and was safe for her to explore with him.

I feel like once you drop the chapter where we see precicely what happened between them it will all make sense and just click together so nicely.

because im getting the vibes (i may be way off here) that the issue was that due to their shared trauma and childhood together, and since they clearly loved each other, as well as being each other's first AND a family member on top of that AND a safe haven from everything going on in their lives AND SINCE Val was well aware of Aemond's struggles what with his father and whatnot, she -at some point- / -probably due to aemond pushing too hard- started feeling a tad unsafe by this. or even better, insecure.

let's go with Insecure actually. because i feel like at some point the balance they had established, how they were equals in their relationship kinda shifted in a way? maybe she felt like her choice was being taken away ? (especially if aemond does end up pushing about free sex and tries to explore his breeding kink). Poor Val is scared of pregnancies and also they are extremely young!

so perhaps she made herself feel guilty for not being able to cater to precicely every need aemond had, especially when it felt good to do so, when it was pleasurable for her and worked as a bonding thing for them. that and the fact that it probably was legitimately sth that she did not fully vibe with at her age, it made her feel guilty and bad for not being able to set that boundary since to an extent it probably felt like a betrayal to Aemond??

and to actually leave him? go away for years? while knowing that she loves him and wants to be with him except for something that we dont yet know having happened between them. it was an extreme choice maybe? we have yet to find out. But whatever it may be it was definitely a hard decision and definitely cost her a lot but seemed as the best choice at the time.

but now she has to deal with the hurt and damage that choice left her with and bestie she's not doing okay!

“I think I like this assertive side of you,”

and val immediately thinks of her "sin" against aemond. how in the past this assertiveness has backfired and was used by her to betray and hurt him and in her words "fuck him over"

Baby you are unwell! it's okay. take deep breaths!

[...] like no more than an errant task to check off his to-do list. He said he’d always want her, but who would want her, the way she was?  Always telling her what she wanted to hear.

yes yes.. I'm a burden. I'm a bad person. Nobody loves me. They are only lying to placate me.

OOOOOFFFFFF. hard to return from that imma tell you that much

“Is this what you want, Valaena? You want me to control everything, down to the air you’re breathing?” Aemond whispers, searching her face. “Yes,” she chokes out, the word hanging in the air between them like a curse or a vow.

no i am normal about this. my felling are quite "meh" about those lines i dont understand what you're talking about. coudn't care less if i tried honestly.

curse or vow. Quite the choice of words. Quite the contradicting meanings. it's almost like someone who say it both ways and felt strongly about both those words would have a bad time trying to rationalise it in their mind and deal with the emotional side of it.

(I HATE YOU BESTIE WHY MUST YOU BE AN AUTHOR WHO USES WORDS THAT MAKE ME F E E L T H I N G S!!!)

[...] he’d no doubt leave her after realizing she wasn’t coming back. 

Hm... are thoughts of abandonment something you deal with regularly miss?

also aemond looked hot on the stairs.. no smartsy comment. just that he looked hot. thank you for your service ma'am

Shame, a different kind than had diffused her this morning, warms her cheeks. Criston had called ahead while she’d been waiting in the car. Now her brother could be disappointed in her too. 

i am mentally well. i am again normal about this.

[...] You’re a fucking disaster, Valaena.” “You think I don’t know that?” She says indignantly. 

“You think I don’t know that?”

Dread surges through her. She can imagine it: her mother’s contrived tears, Daemon’s white knuckled grip, the disappointment on both of their faces. She can see a news headline, something about the party princess, another round of infamy for their family.

“Don’t tell them.” [...] The humiliation she brings on herself never stops. 

she needs help yes. when you're feeling this badly about yourself that you see yourself as a disaster, a sidappointment, someone who only hurts, harms, lets down, puts in danger their loved ones, when you feel like it cannot possibly get any better it can't stop (and usually one feels that way about themselves way before anyone else notices) hearing someone out of concern say it aloud, put it into words, call you out on it feels only as a confirmation of what you already knew.

yes dread, yes humiliation. now that they see her as she truly is surely they will hate her as much as she hates herself and since she is solely a burden they will let her go.

Val my most beloved! <3 <3 <3

A sunny smile on her face, Valaena ends the Facetime, throws her phone on the counter, and proceeds with her skincare routine, finally satisfied.

Finally satisfied, after taking back control. ilhsm! perfect way to end this chapter bestie, truly as always a work of art!!

bestie this is such a thorough analysis i honestly cannot being to express my gratitude that you spent this kind of time on my brain rot bc you are SHOWING OFF THAT GRAD SCHOOL MIND, thesis level work thank u

this chapter was really supposed to send valaena to rock bottom and have a series of painful realizations,,, can't fix what you don't want to admit is broken:')

and yes dalton and valaena are written that way because dalton is both enabler and symptom relief, a little bit of a stress ball where valaena can work out her feelings with no expectations

and BESTIE i cannot wait for you to read the chapters of their last interactions, i have to know your thoughts on it when we get there lmaooo

and thank you bestie, i'll be honest, the curse or vow line was one i was v proud of so i'm glad it landed right lmfao, i like this idea of the heaven/hell, only two absolutes possible for aemond and valaena, and curse (a haunting, a loss, a feeling of fear) or vow (a promise, a light, a reason to be) is what they could be to each other, in every situation

this chapter was brought to you by the soul-crushing song "the archer" by taylor swift, where we get to explore terrifying self-hatred and doubt, applied liberally to our girl valaena

valaena is not easy to satisfy, double entendre intended, so i wanted to give her at least one win this chapter lmfao

but pls thank you for this!!! these anaylsis and long comments are honestly so meaningful and motivations, they make me feel like a real author:')v v grateful, thank you bestie

SALIVATING for your thoughts on the aemond chapter omg i could read your analysis on anything

[swiftfootedachilles]

people are so weird how are u gonna bash a well meaning person and then refuse?? to tell them?? WHY you’re bashing them?? if ur post was offensive then explain why jesus christ this is not how u have healthy useful dialogue with people, it’s just piling unnecessary hate and cruelty on someone. i’m really sorry you’re being treated so shittily by this fandom, i love your posts.

hey thank you so much for this. the handful of people ive talked to have been very understanding of my side and agree that it seems like this person already didn't like me and was looking for a way to renounce me+my posts

truly, i don't know why she feels my posts are offensive. i hate the idea that a jewish person feels i was antisemitic and fetishizing jewish culture. i researched antisemitic fetishization tropes in opera during my undergrad program. ive always tried my hardest to understand minority communities that i am not a part of, without overstepping and seeming like a white knight/savior. i have always been guided through life by my ethics and a burning need for social justice. i want to fix this!

i was really pissed off yesterday and used more aggressive language in my posts and replies. today my head is clearer but im just as confused. i never expect minorities to do the emotional labor of researching topics for me and handing everything over on a silver platter. i will gladly educate myself, but i cant do that when i don't know what i did wrong. this isn't a situation where i did something clearly wrong and there's an obvious gap in my understanding - ive asked multiple friends where they feel i went wrong, and all of them have said they aren't sure

one very kind person messaged me about how, from an outsiders perspective, they were reminded of other situations where autistic people have their words or actions purposefully misinterpreted, and that seriously opened my eyes. OBVIOUSLY im not saying this person is accusing me of antisemitism because she hates autistic people. but i have often experienced people purposefully misrepresenting me and getting mad without explanation. everything starts out good, great even, and i build a script with which to interact with others. but eventually, you get very comfortable and stop following a script, start to unmask a little. and suddenly all hell breaks loose.

you're not acting right. you said the wrong thing. who would say something like that? so inappropriate. and when you ask for clarification because you genuinely do not know what you did wrong, all you receive are eyerolls and more hate because you should already know this, im not gonna spoonfeed everything to you. you're an adult figure it out yourself.

like i said, i don't think she's, like, hating on me for being autistic. i think ive gained a certain reputation (of what i don't know) in the shameless fandom, and people are projecting their preexisting judgement into me. this means that they don't actually want me to apologize. they don't care. they think i am already not a good person and just want to point that out to me to shame me into saying sorry because they think it'll knock me down a few pegs. whatever. my real offline life is much worse than getting mildly ganged up on on the internet. ill survive. i still want to finish my mickey embroidery and my edits/webweavings and my fics. maybe i will, maybe i won't. like ive mentioned many times before, i have pretty bad rejection sensitive dysphoria and i need to be reassured i will get feedback on my works before i ever post them. my fics were already being ignored by most of the big fandom writers - i think those will just have to be scrapped because i genuinely cannot take hollowing out my chest and putting it to paper only to get a few nice comments/kudos. the embroidery though, that's for me. i definitely wanna do it. the other original posts like webweavings, idk maybe i really don't know

[probably-haven]

Hello!! After seeing what you wrote about xiaoven fics I went to see what things you usually write and omg, your archon Venti headcanons????? I am absolutely in love. So if it isn't annoying, could you talk about xiaoven or Venti or Xiao or whatever ship or character you like? I don't care what you are going to say, I just want to know more about your thoughts ^^

I- is this... bestie, this is essentially a free ramble pass- kerujsgheskdfug. Trust me when I say that in no way is this, and in no way will it ever be annoying in the slightest- i literally- lets just say rambling off thoughts is kind of my specialty, especially when provided a topic to branch off of because otherwise I'm just- really indecisive about it so- iujskdh yeah- 100% definitely down to talk about Venti, Xiao, and/or Xiaoven XD. Also, yes- it may have been awhile since i last posted one(cuz again, indecisive about which direction to take part 5), but the Archon War Era Venti headcanons are still without a doubt my favorite posts I've made. It's just such an interesting topic with such endless potential that so few people actually think about or consider or even realize is there, so i always just get really psyched whenever i see someone interact with them lol.

.... this ended up being a bit of a mess: warning in advance

Anyway! onto the actual content!

- You see the thing about Xiaoven is that there's a lot of different ways that it could end up working out, and just personally my favorite way of portraying Xiaoven in my mind is as an unlabeled relationship because if anyone in genshin would give off that vibe its these two. And a number of other reasons.

- Firstly, I heavily headcanon Venti as being an aroace polyplatonic or perhaps heavily demiromantic. However, regardless of this I just don't think that Venti is really the kind of person to worry about how he should label his feelings, thinking it's silly to try to put them in one box or the other, especially with feelings and emotions being as fluid as they are in general. Plus it fits his whole God of Freedom vibe. I just- dont think he's the biggest fan of labels or social categorization in general.

- And secondly on the hand of Xiao... his defense mechanisms are very much ingrained in his personality. It's probably hard enough for him to not go into fight or flight(the answer is fight) at the slightest affection at first, at the slightest feeling of vulnerability. Even further down the line, with his fierce dedication to Liyue, I cant help but get the vibe that the moment he recognized that he was falling for Venti he would begin avoiding him, not only to avoid distraction from his duty, but to avoid corrupting him or losing him in general like he has with like basically every other person he gets close with(even believing that the cycle had repeated once more when he first heard of Morax's death)... now imagine Venti tryna slap a label on their relationship and tell me Xiao would have a positive reaction.

- The thing with Xiaoven.... honestly, i feel like theres more ways that it can go wrong than it can go right, but if they do manage to make their relationship work out, it's just simply beautiful in all terms of the word.

- Lets talk about killing. - During the Archon War, both were forced to kill a large number of people and gods alike- Venti out of a need to remain alive to protect Mondstadt, it's freedom, and the nameless bard's legacy by extent- and Xiao out of servitude to the god that was once his master

..... actually- break here- ive talked a lot about Venti on this blog but I havent actually spoken about Xiao all that much- so i should probably do that a bit first... do note though that my characterization of Xiao is pretty flexible actually- this is just- the possible characterization of him that i tend to favor as being the most- uh- "realistically complex"

-

Theres a line I saw this one time in a certain story: "He is a trained weapon. That's what he is, was, and always will be. You cannot change that so stop trying." And i just- think its a really interesting concept- that applies pretty well to Xiao now that i actually think about it. - the concept behind it is this: After spending more than a vast majority of his life killing or otherwise in battle, it's become a part of who he is, a normalcy that after centuries and centuries would be near impossible to get rid of or reverse, and even if it was possible, with his karmic debt constantly eating away at him its unlikely he has enough time left for that to happen. - it sounds like a cruel thing to say about him- but in context it's actually pretty layered and i think about it a lot. It's not as much a "he's a killer lol, that his whole personality" its more of a "The centuries of trauma he experienced have conditioned him into a constantly alert and battle ready mindset while also shaping his dehumanizing inferior-in-worth-but-superior-in-capability view of himself that would have likely been necessary to get through those time, and at this point he's been under that conditioning for long enough that it's essentially ingrained itself in his personality."

- the main idea is- it's a part of who he is, that needs to be accepted as who he is because its not something that he can just up and change. It's not all he is of course but his constant battle mode, as though always waiting to be ambushed or to be granted a new target to eradicate.

a couple character story quotes:

-"His past of service under the evil god had rid Xiao of his innocence and gentleness. All that remained within him was the means to kill and the weight of his sins. The only way he could be of service to mortals was in combat." -"Xiao does not feel any hatred. Having lived for over two thousand years, no single karmic debt constitutes anything more than a fleeting memory. No grudge can last a thousand years; nor is any debt so great that it cannot be paid off in this time. Xiao has spent many long years alone. But his battles have never been in vain." -"where did Xiao have to return to? He was merely leaving the battlefield." -"since Xiao wages a constant war against dark forces powerful enough to devour Liyue in its entirety, any bystanders who witness him in the heat of battle are likely to end up as collateral damage." -"The war he fights can never be won, and will never come to an end." -"Because ultimately, the one with whom Xiao wrestles is himself."

i feel like at some point this very nearly did consume his whole personality, almost turning him into nothing more than a being of slaughter under Morax's control, devoid of any "humanity" at all, consumed and corrupted by his karmic debt like his fellow yakshas before him. - until he experienced a moment of clarity- a song in the wind, the peaceful melody of a dihua flute. - and pulled back from the border of something he wouldnt have been able to return from, there a was a shift in his mind- a concept grown unfamiliar enough with time that it took him a great time to identify what it was; a curiosity. Something that there was no place for on the battlefield, something that by all means should have been completely useless to Xiao, and yet he held onto that curiosity, slowly regaining over time, a sense of who he was and who he could choose to be with each song that the wind chose to carry towards him every once in a blue moon.

and eventually that curiousity turned to longing. Longing "for a day to come when he will wear the mask and dance — not to conquer demons, but to the tune of that flute amid a sea of flowers"

...... uh- heh- if you couldn’t tell already i have a tendency to make my characterizations/analyses of characters more serious that i probably should. 

to summarize: Xiao is constantly toeing the line between his ingrained nature and his humanity- almost as though still trying to decide how much of that humanity he deserves to have, how much he is allowed to have, and how much is safe to have.

^looking back after writing this, i think the best way to explain it is that this is the view that i keep in mind/the lense that i tend to most enjoy looking through and refering back to while examining and/or analyzing his character, actions, story, lines, and overall personality.

idk- i kinda got off track but i just think its a really interesting interpretation to think about because it has some really interesting implications ig- it’s not the full extent of how i view him of course, but i kinda got ahead of myself and its long enough as is so ill just elaborate as i go- Lol i actually have in progress playlists for both him and venti and just- vibes- i could ramble about the playlists alone for hours explaining everything... It’s probably a problem- uh- ill keep going now lol.

anyways! stepping off the angst path for a brief break! Brought to you by their lines in the snow: both waiting for it to get thick enough, Venti for the purpose of a snowball fight and Xiao for the purpose of a tasty and nutritious breakfast.

but its actually something of note that Xiao doesnt actually need to eat so anything he does eat is usually out of obligation or enjoyment- so like.... snow.... like i dont blame him, but of all things- an adeptus who refuses to eat basically anything but almond tofu looks at the freezing-cold-floor-water that yeeted itself from above and decided at some point- damn- that seems more edible than basically ever single actually edible thing ever.... im gonna eat it- like- im glad if eating snow makes him happy but- at the same time...

He probably convinces Venti to eat snow too though and Venti wouldnt even resist I mean he’s wind and has probably consumed worse things in his time so- 2 anemo cryptids with glowing tattoos sitting in Dragonspine monching snow in the dead of night is an amusing thought to me.

- kay, now back to more serious-toned thoughts

One of the things about the ship that i really like is the different contradicting parallels between them:

A lot of how i view Xiao’s character is someone formed largely by the things he cant control and who was forced to accept that accepted that and learned to thrive in it as much as he can.  Venti on the other hand is surrounded by things he cant control and is ever adapting to control as much as he can while embracing whatever he cant as being part of the unpredictability of the world, seeing beauty in it. 

both of them have lost people and do what they do to honor their memory: Xiao continues to do what the Yakshas once did And Venti chooses to do what his friend couldn’t

Xiao’s power coming from himself  and Venti’s from others And both seem to appear to use their power for their own gain while truly helping others behind the scenes

both have killed a lot of people during the archon war Xiao views it as another necessary event out of his control and Venti would likely view it as a tragedy he chose to enact himself

and this is where we meet out balance

Xiao- contrary to how i think a lot of people view him as thinking of himself as a monster- seems canonically to have accepted this as part of his duty, as long as those he killed are not mortals. I dont think he enjoys it no- but someone has to do it and he’s just accepted that its a part of his duty Venti on the other hand-

See the beauty of the ship- as someone with an angst-centric mind- is this- these are two of the most traumatized mfers in the game 

Xiao is by far the one who needs the most help and who can serve to benefit most from the ship- but he is nowhere near self aware enough to recognize that there’s anything wrong or unhealthy about his mindset in the slightest-

whereas you have the contrast with Venti who sorted through most of his trauma with the nameless bard alone during the archon war and while the result appears more healthy- is still really not- but he’s not self aware of that either because i mean- who’s going to tell him? nobody even knows. 

however- venti is aware enough to notice flaws in Xiao’s mindset and “Venti” enough to want to help them through it-

Xiao- while not aware enough to recognize the flaws in Venti’s mindset, can recognize where it contrasts with his own, and is blunt enough to point it out- and then it’s out there to be mulled over- 

they’re so similar and yet so different and a feel just conversing between the two of them, being in each others precense, just being exposed to two mindsets that are so very different could do both of them a whole lot of good.

GEEE THAT BIT OF RAMBLING HAD LITTLE TO NO DIRECTION AT ALL- LET ME-- LET ME MAKE THIS START MAKING SENSE- WITH... DYNAMICS OR SOMETHING

I don’t think Xiao needs to sleep really- and i dont think that sleeping would do anything except make him uneasy at first- he’d probably just get nightmares after all he’s been through- but with Venti he would soon learn that it doesn’t have to be that way, lulled into the first peaceful sleep he’s had in... as long as he can remember.

anywho back to not making sense cuz im fickle and i think most questions about ships are best displayed through character interactions so like- a possible exchange thats cliche but cliches exist for a reason

Xiao: Why do you try so hard to help me, it isn’t easy. I know that much Venti, with the most adoring expression: Because you’re worth it, obviously Xiao: But surely there are others more deserving of- Venti: No Xiao, everyone is just as deserving as the next person, you included Xiao: Then why me above others? Venti: ehe, cuz ur my warrior of course [O//////O oh shit, hes right] Xiao: My contract is with Morax alone [gay panic but in broody yaksha]

it’s kinda difficult cuz neither of them really address their feelings.  I mean Venti does but he does it very indirectly and its rare that he ever does it with like- genuine directness- even spilling his backstory was in the form of a song- and told in the third person- so a lot of their interactions would often have some deeper meaning, especially with Venti being the bard he is. 

I come up with a lot of- errant thoughts about Xiaoven- but this is making me realize that a true analysis of their ship is rather difficult because it just encompasses so many dynamics so its hard to settle on just one and not go rambling about who knows what bouncing from one end of the ship to the other-  Because you truly can and thats the beauty of it

within one moment you can be having a heartfelt conversation about the archon war the impact of lost friends and times past, and the next moment Venti is trying to forcefeed Xiao an apple while Xiao screams about disrespecting the adepti and its just- so lovely

so while they have picnics with nothing but apples, dandelion wine, and almond tofu they can sit down and talk about the dreams Xiao once devoured, and the dandelion wine and apple cider that the first Ragnvindir invented from the plants that never could have grown in Old Mond. The foods that tasted of familiarity, or of the grilled ticker fish Pervases always used to eat, foods that tasted of friends and frankly family that had since passed, glaze lilies and cecilias and qingxin flowers scattered in the surroundings and woven into Xiao’s neat braids and Venti’s now messy ones, rebraided by the steady and inexperienced hands of one unused to gentle action. 

and then of course Venti steals Xiao’s tofu once the mood becomes too grim and replaces it with a bottle of wine that Xiao refers to as “vile poison,” a remark that fatally wounds Venti as he collapses on the floor, proclaiming how he can only be healed by a Yaksha’s kiss. Xiao ignores this of course and simply takes back his tofu with a slight smile on his face, but as Venti persists he soundlessly places a kiss on his own palm before intertwining their fingers and pulling him back up from where he was dramatically sprawled on the floor, grumbling about how such action was “unbecoming of an archon.” A sign of affection only Xiao would ever know about. But Venti is literally wind and I hc his senses work differently anyways so he definitely knows- plus Xiao’s face is red as the blood of his enemies and the way he is pointedly not looking at Venti at all really speaks volumes anyways. 

 -Venti playing epic battle music whenever Xiao goes into fights in what looks like a ridiculously extra performance to anyone else but is actually doing wonders to keep Xiao’s karma at bay

-Venti preaches the practice of “kissing wounds better” and Xiao is unfamiliar with this medical treatment but views it as unnecessary regardless because adepti have accelerated healing, doesn’t mean he’s going to stop him though. 

-Messages whispered on the wind

-Venti’s 1000 year sleep- an accident, not a fun time for the yaksha, and not a fun time for Venti once he woke up. Venti is actually more afraid of restful sleep than Xiao is, hence the sleeping in trees thing, but when Xiao is there, he can sleep restfully with faith that Xiao wont let another millennia slip through his fingertips. 

- Xiao tends to make excuses when doing things that aren’t necessary to his duty, like in his birthday voice line “Have this, it’s a butterfly i made from leaves... Okay. Take it. It’s an adepti amulet -- it staves off evil” because at the current point in his progress it helps him to feel like he’s allowed to do these things. Not wanting to put him off from progress, Venti never comments on his excuse but never fails to whisper a quick reminder of how proud he is of how far Xiao had come.

- Xiao’s karma saddens Venti greatly- not only because of how it effects Xiao but also because its a reminder that as much as Venti tries to honor the memory of those he’s killed, there will always be those who resent him for it, and when he took the option of living away from them, he truly can’t blame them. - And when he gets too wrapped up in thoughts, whether around this topic or similar ones or otherwise, eventually, he’ll hear the sound of a flute on the wind. It’s not divine by any means, but as his own wind connects him to the source, he gets the sentiment all the same. “What impact does one individual’s remaining wrath have on the present. You have done much to help the living in the present” the unspoken idea that Xiao has included himself in that statement, because now, with Venti’s help he’s beginning to learn just how to experience living for himself. 

- Venti’s form and Xiao’s mask are off limit topics though because if either mentions it the other will counter with the opposite and the mood will turn immediately bitter at the idea that both know that what they’re doing is destructive but neither are willing to change

- Venti who has different tells for negative feelings than most people because as much as he likes to pretend it is- this form isnt his, and Xiao who is able to identify those

- many fanfics and headcanons have Venti recognizing when Xiao is uncomfortable and getting him out of those situations. I see that and I love it but i raise you: - Venti taking Xiao to Mondstadt, careful that he doesn’t get to the point that he’s uncomfortable. And nothing goes wrong exactly, but Xiao notices the the way Venti’s cape is blowing in the wind, the way he’s holding his weight, barely on his feet so much as floating on the wind, connected with the ground only for the sake of appearance, all the while he looks just as happy go lucky as ever. And without a word, he grabs his hand and teleports them both out of Mondstadt.  - turns out it was just a slight thing that reminded him of the archon war (cuz i will die on the hill of him having more tragic backstory than just Decarabian), and he of course gives a sincere if not flustered thanks to Xiao, because he’s really not used to people noticing. 

- Venti trying to vent sneakily through fictional stories and Xiao is just like “Didn’t that basically happen to you” and Venti is just like “<_< shit”

- Venti once said affectionally that he wished he had met Xiao sooner and Xiao immediately and seriously shot it down by saying “If you had, I would have been forced to kill you” and both of them now stay up at night wondering who would have won that fight, not sure which result would have hurt more. (because honestly I have no idea who would win in that fight and that terrifies me- I like to think it would have been one of those legends that end with “and the fight persists to this day” or something along those lines)

- “How long have you been together?” “Adepti have no need for-” “1000+ years T^T how dare you deny our love” “O///O our...? ...useless”

- its disney- let me explain- i have this- i have this headcanon inspired by watching too many animatics- - so venti has a human form that isnt his- which he would have had to get used to moving in- and he’s a bard- - uh- anyway- as a third degree black belt in mixed martial arts, i can speak as an authority on this(not really an authority since i havent gone since quarantine but lets pretend). We have a thing referred to as the big three(most things do), and those things are martial arts, gymnastics, and dance. The idea is that they reflect really well off of each other and the best in any one category are good in all three. Timing, balance, form, discipline, technique, hand-eye coordination, grace, ease of motion, they all play a part- anyway-

- Venti taking Xiao’s prowess in martial arts and acrobatics and teaching him how to dance, and as someone who’s extremely skilled in the first two, the third comes easy to him, almost naturally. And it’s delicate and beautiful and lovely and it isn’t hurting anyone. And Venti points all these things out and more and despite how much Xiao insists that he feels ridiculous he truly does enjoy it and it goes a long way towards helping him form more healthy views of himself and his worth.  - Verr Goldett walked in on him once and made a joke about performing at the inn. unfortunately Venti was there and agreed on Xiao’s behalf before he could protest and- and it wasn’t as bad as Xiao thought it would be... he still wouldn’t do it again though without reason, but with good enough reasoning he could probably be convinced. 

- anyways point is he likes dancing to Venti’s songs and i just think that’s really cute - just picture the idea that all the animatics you see actually have the potential to be canon- ugh

- venti tries holding something out of Xiao’s reach since he’s taller and Xiao just fucking teleports 

- both need their space but when they dont, all they have to do is speak the other’s name and they’ll be there.

- and because i just had to.... love languages

- lets start with Xiao- i don’t think he’d view acts of service or quailty time as a love language tbh, and he blunt but really bad with words so affirmation is out, leaving gift giving and physical touch. However, he seems to view most material things as meaningless so- - Xiao who’s love language is in his fleeting touches, something he’s only recently grown comfortable with because of Venti, and now is giving back, which he knows he doesn’t have to do, but that he want’s to, though he’ll still continue to make excuses for each one. “you were shivering” “The inn is high up, you could have fallen..... I said what I said, you’d question an adeptus?”

- and as easy as it is to say words of affirmation for Venti- he does that for everyone- i want to say his is actually acts of service - its the acts of service that let him see just how much Xiao has progressed afterall, from teaching him to dance, to playing another song on the flute, to supplying him with the almond tofu he seems to enjoy so much. Every little thing he does helps Xiao to grow and he couldn’t be happier about that. 

-

- of course most of my headcanons for the ship do take place latter into the relationship because- y’know the less serious unhealthy vibes allow for greater range of thought, but i do still love to think about the serious implications so i kinda hopped back and forth. So sorry about how messy it is btw, i kinda- got carried away- it kinda got some kind of structure near the end tho so- maybe it’s okay. anyway- back to... lol something, we’ll see where thought forests lead. 

[lilyclawthorne]

Keeping Up A-fear-ance's Thoughts

I finished writing this shortly after 3 am after watching the new episode like three times because I simply had too much energy about it and I have so many thoughts because I simply live for clawthornes and also I tried to break it up with more photos this time sorry not sorry if it's a lot ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

YOUNG EDA!! let me just say I am quite a fan of opening with a flashback like we've done here and the last episode

"we have never seen a curse like this before" Lilith you had shit luck picking out curses huh

"cut it out if we have to" goddamn Gwen let'a calm the fuck down a bit.

anyways we've only really seen young Eda as a wild and confident and happy little child so I appreciate seeing this side of her with the anxiety and fear she's feeling here. I love seeing what the curse stuff was like for her as a kid

Gwen: I raised a perfectly fine kid

Me: no you didn't look at her she's got anxiety

I'm guessing this is their backyard or just some woods behind their house?? wonder if the portal was placed there by another elder family member.

lmao I can't even begin to imagine what small Eda experiencing the human realm was like for the first time

Gwens giving me "I can't accept that my child is disabled/chronically ill/etc." here. y’know the kinda parent that'll put their kid through hell over something they probably will find a way to learn to live with (which Eda did do)

ok that's it I humbly request to know the story behind the fang now (also the noise she made when she put it in was freaking cute)

new dress! new boots! new dress! new boots!

..yikes that fridge is empty

"calm down the curse acts stronger when you're stressed" Eda do you know who you're talking to here

confirmation losing limbs is in fact a side effect of the curse!! (y'know since Eda originally said it just happens when you get older)

please I love these sisters they're so sweet and make me wanna go 🥺

"suddenly curious about my past" "always. always curious" Luz says exactly what we all think

witchlet?? sweet flea?? she's got pet names for them 🥺 (although idk how much I'd like to be referred to as any kind of flea sorry Lilith)

ok Gwen is very much not close to what I expected and I'm kinda grateful for that

she's more like super caring but still managed to royally fuck up which was my original head canon for clawthorne parents so uh that's cool. but literally, look at their body language, Eda's pissed, Lilith's sad and making herself small. she's clearly messed up with her parenting on both of them along the way.

"who knows what they put in those nasty concoctions?" mama clawthorne would be a fucking anti-vaxxer wouldn't she

ok I side with Eda here more than Luz and Lilith. just because Luz misses her mother, or Lilith hasn’t seen their mom in so long doesn’t mean Eda has to feel all grateful for the presence of Gwen, especially if the woman has caused her a lot of trouble over the years

I feel like the fact that its actually both Lilith and Gwendolyn have spent their whole lives dedicated to trying to find a cure could probably have held some kind of weight on Eda at some point. Even though she shouldn't feel guilty or responsible for that, I still feel like it's gotta suck knowing these people have spent so much time on something you know is likely never gonna happen, all for you.

Lilith 😞 her mother really just didn't pay attention to her all these years

hey if this guy does some next level healing magic then why isn't he more well-known, huh? why’d it take so long to come across him?? Gwen do you know what the fuck you're doing cause I think you don't

Lilith just because you're depressed about your mom doesn't mean you have to bring king down too 😠

SUPER irrelevant but is anyone else just bothered by the way Lilith is holding her spoon?? that doesn't seem like a comfortable way to hold a spoon. also is she left handed??

"knife season came early" EDA WHAT DOES THAT MEAN. is this a boiling isles things or is this a it’s common for people to throw knives at you thing

also I want to be surprised Eda fell for the apple blood signs but I am not 😔 

Luz please trust you're gut on this one and not mama clawthorne

ok now I need to know why the fridge was empty but they had 18 cartons of ice cream this is why you guys don't have food you're wasting it all on ice cream.

wow never thought I'd see the day hooty became the voice of reason

also, night market ice cream?? are they implying this ice cream is like, edibles of some sort?? Lilith does seem kinda high here ngl. idk man but at least she wants to stand up for herself so good for her.

PLEASE kings just offering her ice cream while she transforms

"first in a series" Gwen honey oh no. you've been duped. I think we can see where Lilith got her naïveté from huh.

Also, nice snatch Luz 😊

anyways love how this show is basically making fun of moms who refuse to give their kids proper medical treatment or listen to medical professionals here

EXCUSE ME why do we know Gwen's palisman's name before we know Lilith's?????

"I am a mother who'll do anything for her daughter" you're mom who's suffocating obsession with one daughter has left the other neglected and is currently causing her to turn into a full on beast ya dummy

Eda DOES have a right to be upset. it sucks that her own valid emotions that she should get to feel will cause her while body to betray her.

PLEASE I’M SO GLAD LILITH’S BEAST DESIGN LOOKS LIKE HER AND IS NOT THE THING FROM THE TRAILER THAT IS ACTUALLY IN EDA"S HEAD WHEN SHE’S TRANSFORMED

but also why is she SO massive?? also anyone concerned that this is her first transformation and the light glyph trick wouldn't even work??

Gwen look at what you've done, you've fostered feelings of inferiority in one daughter causing her to feel the need for sibling rivalry that the pure instincts of the raven beast cannot suppress no matter how much their sisterly relationship had improved.

HOW COULD YOUR OTHER DAUGHTER ALSO BEING CURSED BE A PART OF THE PROCESS GWEN??

"after Eda was cursed, I joined the beast keeping coven" woah woah WOAH. you're telling me you only joined because of trying to help Eda. that covens existed, before Eda got cursed, and you very much weren't a part of one. combine that with "some words for belos" she has and do I smell wild witch theory still plausible???

anyways at least mama clawthorne is getting some sense into her head here

Morton c'mon help a girl out, that's some dang good art too what the heck dude

ok fine mama clawthorne to the rescue

no pls not raven beast Lilith crying im crying now

Gwen: I raised a fine and self-sufficient child

Me: no you didn't look at her. she's got, SO MUCH.

GODDAMN THATS SOME POWER. ngl this only adds fuel to the fire in my head that there was some kinda reasoning these sisters were torn apart, that someone felt they'd be too powerful together (and they were probably right)

"I heard you but I couldn't stop myself, I couldn't do anything" may be just because she's not used to the curse but again part of me is concerned that because she couldn't pull herself out of it even a little bit like Eda did that there's something wrong there. but she also could've been stressed beyond reasonably calming herself down too.

ok but this is sweet

NOOO im so sad Lilith's leaving :( I literally cried ok

"you lived here?" fine OKAY king that was hilarious even if im sad about this

"reconnect with dad" excuse me where the fuck has this man been in the middle of all of this. curse shit is going DOWN and he's just chilling at home.

I am curious about people's thoughts regarding the whole Lilith regression thing and the fact that she's literally going to be living with her parents again. I feel like it could help nurture that inner child she's been reverting back to and help her out a LOT. but I could also be concerned about it feeding into the regression and making it worse?? idk and this show probably ain't getting that actually deep into psych anyways

"some day my hair is gonna be big enough to do that too" Luz I cannot wait for the day. also mood, I wish I could do that too.

alright who's holding the fucking pen for hooty we need a volunteer RIGHT NOW so we can remain in contact with Lulu

NOT THE ONLY HUMAN? my bets on the real azura rip never mind she said he

Titan’s Blood?? interesting. If the blood of the titan is around I wonder what that means regarding the titans existence, and how long its been since the titan fell.

AHH BABY LUZ PHOTO

ALSO WHO THE FUCK IS THAT?? They're really gonna spring that on us like this??? Camila's gotta notice somethings wrong right??? Unless any differences she just chalks up to the camp?? oh god :(

well, anyways lumity shippers come get yo juice next weekend

anyways im gonna need to add a NOT canon compliant tag on that one Gwendolyn fic I wrote because it definitely do not comply anymore

[vyinter]

Top five Malayalam songs!

THANK YOU GIL !!!! fresh batch of current fav malayalam songs Part 2 coming right up!!

1. Uyiril Thodum:

u think u know romance? no. not unless you’ve heard uyiril thodum. it TOUCHES your SOUL. ever felt bad that you dont have a significant other? now you can feel MORE bad by seeing how CUTE Anna Ben is and how himbo Shane Nigam is. if i were to start talking about the cast i’d be here all day. just know one have NOT experienced romance and the warmth of a hug on a cold day unless you’ve heard this song. SWEEPING ALL THE AWARDS AT ACTING OLYMPICS with just this one video. theres a reason every single person was covering this song when it was released. if u cover this song and sing it to me, just know i love you

2. Pularikalo :

PARVATHY MY BELOVED. manic pixie girl? NO. MANIC PIXIE BOY! who the fuck knows where DQ is? is he human? is he a djinn? are we here for that? no. we're here to watch parvathy marie kondo this shit and get inspired to finally fold our laundry. AESTHETICS AESTHETICS AESTHETICS. i actually learnt how to make chai from this video. also like kudos to her for cleaning up the place i would take one look and say BYE. is that sax playing? idk music like that but u best believe you're getting transported spiritually to wherever this is

3. Rakkilipattu

this one is an oldie but let me tell you in one word..............Lesbians. try to convince me otherwise. or more specifically, college lesbians trying to get away from a murder they didn't commit. who is framing them? why did they kill major ravi? is it because he's a major in the military? i cannot tell you bestie bcuz i dont remember all i know is that i was terrified watching this as a kid while trying not to ogle at manasi scott. starring milfs like JYOTHIKA and TABU and one other person i dont know. also if u play the song you'll turn into one of manasi scott's backup dancers, i don't make the rules

4. Chandukudanjoru:

i cannot put into words how much i fucking hate the movie this is in. like i really fucking hate it. set lgbt rights back 10 years. but this song is so fucking good i put my morals on pause while it plays. this song should've never fucking been in this movie its too good for it.

https://open.spotify.com/track/375MmMAJFbxpvZ13SifbCX?si=f18a570cebc64645

5. Kalakkatha / Daivamakale

listen nanjiyamma did not come here to fuck around she came to speak her truth and she did. this is not the usual movie music this is not even in malayalam. its in a regional dialect spoken in attappady called Irula and this woman has been singing these songs her whole life with her tribe playing the instruments. this is not polished studio music made for a certain movie, this song is her way of life. so im putting both her songs from the movie

she said she made deivamakale (daughter from god) for her child and you can really hear the love in the song

(it says tribute to director sachy because this movie was his last work before he passed away)

[spaceradars]

about M*A*S*H finale “Goodbye, Farewell and Amen”:

(the other post in which i talk about it is right here)

the time has come for me to tell you: today was the day. i just finished watching “Goodbye, Farewell and Amen” and i really don’t know what to do with my feelings, so i figured putting them in words would help (we’ll see how helpful it truly was when im done writing this anyway).

I’ve been knowing about M*A*S*H for years, but I didn’t grow up with it. No one watched it at home, no one talked about it at home... I know about it since I was around 13/14 and read The Perks of Being a Wallflower for the first time. In case you haven’t read the book, the protagonist recalls more than once of having the memory of watching this episode with his family. Since I read the book around seven years ago and have no memory of ever watching this series with my family, I had no idea of what that was like, but I was always curious about whatever this series was and how come it was so especial for this protagonist. Anyway, flashfoward to the beginning of this year, I begin to read/see posts about it here on tumblr, as well as to watch small bits of epidoes/random episodes. But a couple of months ago, I decided to actually watch the show. I mean, to give it a try. I was drawn into it not only for the premise, but for the fact that, being The Perks such an important book for me as a kid in her early teens, I somehow always felt curious about the show, and somewhat even connected to it. And I was not mistaken. You see, during the first episodes of s1 I felt like “meh, this is good but I don’t know if I’ll like it that much”. Great thing I gave it a try for longer than just a couple of episodes, because I suddenly felt so drawn to it I couldn’t stop watching (and I mean it, I just can’t watch more than 3/4 episodes of any series on the same day because I get bored, but with M*A*S*H I found myself suddenly watching two seasons in a week/7 days). I felt this connection to the series somehow, and I know it doesn’t make sense (or maybe it does? maybe some of you experienced it as well with this, or any other series and know how it feels) and yet I know it’s a real feeling. Is this feeling you get for some reason, and it’s more than just watching a show (or a movie, or reading a book, or listening to some music, or whatever) and loving it, is just the everything about it, all those reasons that make this experience of yours nearly (if not totally) perfect. And so, that’s what happened to me and M*A*S*H

And about this whole experience with this particular episode... well, it was some experience. Of course, you cannot watch an almost 50-year-old series and expect not to spoil anything to yourself in the course of the watch (11 seasons, no more no less) but this episode was so different to what I expected because I guess the experience was just... idk it was something else than just knowing about it.

Anyway, regarding the episode, I loved it. It was fantastic and no wonder it has all its reputation behind it. It was phenomenal. But as I kept on watching (particularly its second half) a thought appeared in my mind; that all these people, these people I had gotten to know in the course of eleven seasons... well, they were doing this thing they had been wanting to do for so long —to go home. And even if I was so happy, there was something that was like bothering me because... well, they were going home. What would be of them? Would they meet again? Would all this friendship they had formed over the course of the years remain? Would they write, phone, see each other again? And I know it’s fiction and I know they’re all characters, but that was all I could think about. I had this feeling I had only had once in my life, this especial feeling I had only experienced as an eleven-year-old, watching the ending of The Lord of the Rings trilogy for the first time. I swear it was like butterflies were making pressure on my stomach (or like I was being kicked, either way). I was thinking “oh, it’s the same feeling, but I’m not eleven any more, how come I still feel like that regarding another thing?” and there’s no answer, it’s just... I don’t know. I guess it’s all part of the experience. Or I guess it’s just my relationship with these movies/tv series. Or is both of them, or something else, I don’t know.

Look, I don’t even know what to say other than to talk about my own personal experience with this episode, with the series per se. I mean it’s been so helpful to me during these past months, and I know I can rewatch it any time but this whole experience was so important to me. This love I have for this series is just... too much (I’ll keep rewatching it, of course, and I’ll keep blogging about it so you don’t have to worry about missing me too much lol). But seriously tho, when I started M*A*S*H I was just looking for some sort of entertainment and I found much more than that, so much more.

Thank you all for reading my posts, for rb/liking them and for talking to me about the series, you’re all lovely <3 (aaaand expect many thoughs to come because all i’ve talked about here was myself but I’ll talk about the finale as well just you wait till i stop crying)

[riskeith]

good morning love! (or afternoon for you hehe)

deku vs kacchan part 2 is my favorite ep of the entire series actually. i’ve watch that ep so many times as well it’s just perfect. i got into them when i watched that episode actually! the voice acting god..... literally shivers. now that i think about it it might even be my favorite anime ep of all time help. i just love how bakugou lets it all out and we get to see that side of him.. the insecure scared child he tries to hide. god i could ramble about it forever idk just love it. OH YOU WATCHED THE MOVE RIGHT AFTER? a scene with bakugou and todoroki is guaranteed a good time.. and they work so well together. haha that’s such a nice coincidence tho their dynamic is great in that movie even if it’s mostly kiribaku sjsksjk. what do you think about kiribaku btw?

RIGHT!!! at least we have a couple days to decide hihi.... paimon no longer emergency snack.. only seelie. 🥴 oooh? what kind of thing have you envisioned? (if you wanna share ofc!)

i’ve seen so many people mention that!! like one of the worst parts of the game is that in the higher level you get the less there are to do.. ssjksjdk at some point all you can do is grind domains and try to level up shdkdfhdj

LEVEL 40 INTO A LEVEL 70+ FIGHT ok that’s honestly hilariously brave doesn’t she like die right away 😔 oh yeah you’ll be leveling up Again soon *praying for you*... can’t believe they don’t keep the easy bosses anymore sjdkfh that’s so rude. this game is just grind grind grind. WE NEED A BENNY STORY SO BADLY. like imagine a story with him wanting to seek out diluc because he wants to learn how to fight from a master or something like that. i saw it in a comic and i can’t stop thinking about it 😭 all of them deserve stories!!! there’s so many ways they could make it happen pls mihoyo... chongyun x xingqiu story... <333

shfkjdskdjhf nope right now i’m playing with noelle as my main damage dealer, traveller, lisa and barbara actually. so i think i have a pretty good balance atm.. 2 long range 2 short range-ish. i usually trade out barbara for another character if i have to tho, hehe. that’s only combat though ^ benny is with me when we explore. mood is me having a 5 star and not even using her... i still need to think of ways qiqi could fit into the group yk. is your group still looking the same as before? ooooh if you could rank the elements what would your ranking look like?

172!!!!! that’s a bit short though when you said tall i thought like... 190 or something sjksjdxk. wait how tall are You?

oh i just meant like... people bashing others for spending too much money on the game vs those that bash people for not spending money and complaining that they don’t get 5 star etc? idk yt comments can be so ugly though so it’s a good thing that you don’t read them sjdjdjdkd

that’s super smart!!! you just follow along the plan and delete when you come to the part. must feel so satisfying too i imagine. haha, what little notes i have i put in the notes app and just check up on when i need to. sometimes i even forget they’re there shdkdhsks. my notes are filled with half-assed dialogue or random one words notes that don’t make any sense to me anymore.. nskdhddjdj

you’re right!! so you write at night? sometimes i just open docs on my phone and write a bit before i sleep and when i wake up it’s either a grammatical mess or just... super bad hskshd the brain is simply too tired to create anything shakespeareian

nooo i’ll def check these out and let you know what i think. i’ve seen halsey being in pretty much every klance playlist on spotify so i imagine she portrays their vibes pretty nicely. doesn’t she have a song she sings about being blue and red or something... shdjfhdj such a bad description but i see it being used in edits a lot. also now that i think of it melanie has a song called pacify her that i really like!! do you like it?

THATS SO CUTE YOU ARE A CRYBABY. 🥺 same here tbh i actually like crying sometimes... sjskdjdjd like you said it just feels nice to get it all out. i cry to almost movie or series or book i read i’m a super emotional person but i also think it adds to the experience? you feel more immersed in it that way.

RIGHT??? ITS SO BEAUTIFUL!!! and it’s our boys 😭 and they’re cuddling 😭 under the sun 😭 ssjdjdhdjdj 😭

can’t wait to hear from you again <3 yours, ma <3

good night! more like ahhah

:o!! that’s so legendary of them wow.. <33 and yeah honestly the voice acting is phenomenal.. and all the implications behind the fight too? bakugou finally opening up? midoriya understanding that what he needs is to fight him? ugh. kiribaku is fine! fhdsjfks my brain is so full of todobaku that any other ship is really just... in the background hfskjfs but i can appreciate the relationship they have! with kiri being the only one bakugou has really acknowledged and seeing as being on the same level, that iconic hand clasp when bakugou was being rescued... i have a kiribaku fic in my drafts but idk if i can ever get to it ahha. you like them a lot right?

ikkk also i didn’t know we had to wait until the very end to buy? i have more than enough to buy it rn but when i clicked it said ‘must explore area 14 first’ and i was just... bruh. AHAHAH. okay so in my mind it’s like.. chongyun at a funky angle we’re kinda looking up at him and his body is like bent down towards us fhsdkjs idk how to describe it but i can picture it very well but i also cannot put it to paper/screen. and then his clothes are just black instead of white! HAHAH. tho i kinda wanna see if i can draw a xiao first to offer up to the gacha gods hfsdjkfs (and if i can i’ll do a version w a dark outfit too for u hehe)

legitttt im literally just logging in and grinding the talent domains every day fhsdkjfhskfhjd there are some artifacts i want as well but the domain is literally SO difficult for me fuck.

i just go in and use her skill then heal a bit and switch right away fhsdkjfsd it going alright! and then i go ham with my other 3 charas and switch back to her to heal again fhskfjd. OMGGG that’s so cute please... i miss diluc too... come back!! i wish we had a way to replay the old quests even if we get nothing out of them like i just wanna experience it again ya know.

oooo! that’s pretty nice. hfskjd you could switch barbara out for qiqi! since she’s a healer as well. omg wait you have lumine right? so your combat team has no males? legendary 😩 we love fighting queens! ya! traveller, chongyun, xiangling, fischl. and then i switch depending on the domain/boss i’m gonna fight. hmm elements I think would go: anemo, cryo, electro, pyro, hydro, geo, dendro? LMAO i reckon if i had diluc tho pyro would be higher... i also almost forgot to add geo to that list lmaooooooo oops, hbu??

I JUST SAW THE LINK.... AAAAAAAAAAAAH!!! the bestest boys look how cute they’re sjdkfjdjjdd i’m obsessed. the picture where benny has his back turned sjdudjdjddnd stop. 🥺 they’re so neat. 🥺 also NO ARE YOU SERIOUS? that’s so upsetting are you gonna try it out nonetheless or do you think it’s too risky?

they’re SO neat!!! and bennett facing the other way was so fhskjfd yeah cute <3333333 I KNOWWW IM SO SAD :((( and no...... im not gonna try 😭😭😭 i told my brother about it too and he asked how many rolls i was at and i said 70 and he was straight up ‘you can’t try then’ and i was like ‘i know 😔😔’. @ xiao... i am giving up xingqiu rate up for you 😤😤😤😤 ugh i hope i can still get xingqiu in xiao’s banner tho even tho the chances will be shit. are you gonna roll ganyu’s banner?

FHSKJFSD NOOOOOO don’t tell me 172 is average for you wtf... (apparently the average male height in japan is 160cm! for reference ahah) and i myself am. one hundred and. fifty something cm hfsdjfhskjdfhskdjfhw9uehdsifhwsdkjfhsdkfhsd 😔 big sighs lmaoooooooo. how tall are you? (im assuming much taller 😔😔😔😔😔)

ooh notes app? nice ahaha. fhdkjfhskfsk hdthat’s the mood tho! if i don’t have my laptop with me i’ll write out everything on notes first then transfer to my laptop~

AHAHAH yeahhh i think mostly i do? bc during school times i’ll only write after i’m done with my work which = night time. for a while Peak writing time for me was like 1am lmfao but i do that in a like half-asleep half-conscious state so when i come back the next day at a “normal” time i run into the same issue as you fshdfkjshfs

she does!!! it’s called colours 😩 but i think the one i related to voltron most is control! there was this really good shiro edit with that song i still remember it to this day <3 yeah i do!!! i like most of melanie’s songs actually ahahah. i think my favourite for a while was show and tell~

it totally does!! like it’s satisfying as well you know... like the characters have gone through so much and you experienced that with them so it’s natural to get emotional about it. that reminds me, what kind of books do/did you read? did you read all Those YA novels ahah talking about crying has reminded me how i cried reading those..

<333 i wanna be there with them 😩 actually no i want to BE them 😩😩😩

eager for your response <33 love, c.r.

[jamaisjoons]

(1/7) I'm sorry this is going to be super long, so if you actually answer this I'll be so thankful lol... idk how much experience you have in relationships and sexuality and whatnot but I just really need to ask someone about this and you seem super friendly and nice so I wanted to ask you, and if anyone else reading this ask wants to give me advice I'd love and appreciate that as well - I'll keep an eye on the comments 💜 So I've been in a relationship for over 5 years now. I want to preface

this ask is incredibly long and if therefore the rest, along with my response, is under the read more!

(2/7) this with saying that I'm not unhappy with my relationship overall. And I honestly do prioritize emotional connection over physical, but this is something that's been on my mind recently, especially since I started getting into reading fanfics and learning more about how diverse and explorative someone can be with sexuality. My current boyfriend was my first serious relationship so I never experienced anyone else sexually. And I know stories romanticize, dramatize, and exaggerate things

(3/7) so I don't expect that I should be able to experience my sex life exactly as its portrayed in the fictions I read. I've been generally content with my sex life with my boyfriend, while maybe not fully satisfied but content. But lately its been bothering me. I've always had a higher drive than him so I don't mind needing to... take care of myself most days and just have sex whenever he's up for it. (Although he gets whiny if I'm not up for it the day he is, which I guess is partly fair

(4/7) since there's only like 2 days a month I'm not horny lol). And I do tend to take quite a bit longer to uh... well, cum, than he does as well so I've never really taken any offense to him not trying super hard to get me there. Lately it has been bothering me though... he does give effort to it most of the time but gives up because he has trouble getting the right spots and/or it takes a long time (and yeah I chalk that up to female anatomy being more complicated than male so while it is

(5/7) disappointing, I excuse it because of that) But it bothers me because I feel like I try to push myself more to figure out what he likes and try different things out of my comfort zone more than he does for me. (i.e. I've recently started trying to get used to anal even though so far its painful and I haven't found pleasure in it yet because it's something he's always wanted to do). He also loves blow jobs and always wants one - kind of expects it and gets disappointed if I tell him I don't

(6/7) want to that day and sometimes (most of the time) tries to push it, even though I don't push him if he doesn't want to go down on me. I've more or less given up on trying to cum when we have sex, just kind of settled on enjoying it for a while and helping him and then finishing myself off after. I'll sometimes ask him to help afterwards, and he'll help with some stimulation like nipple play and stuff for a bit, but if he's already gotten his release I feel like he treats it like a chore.

(7/7) It's just been bothering me more and more lately. I'm worried about talking to him about it because idk if I'm just being needy or if he'll be offended or upset. And I don't really know how to fix it anyway so idk how to bring it up or any solutions to offer but since its been bothering me more I don't want to just leave it as it is. Do you have any advice for me? Also I'm SO SORRY for the novel and going probably too detailed into my sex life... I hope this wasn't bothersome or annoying!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

i’m gonna preface this with im not a professional and any advice i give is based on my own feelings and thoughts and based on experiences of my own and they won’t be the same as yours! please take caution reading/heeding any of my advice because really i’m not any different to you and i have no real qualifications for giving out sexual advice.

so honestly speaking, i have a fear of commitment and trust issues and as a result i don’t very often partake in committed relationships (i’ve been willingly and happily single for YEARS) - and my previous ones weren’t all that good either (my last two ended with cheating rip). but i’m happy to help in any way possible and it means a lot that you feel like you can speak to me about this!

Okay so, my first point is that sex is honestly diverse and yes its always mindblowing in fics, but in reality its not always the case. sometimes sex is bland, sometimes its really good, and sometimes you don’t really enjoy yourself (not in a bad or nonconsensual way, but more it doesn’t leave you as fulfilled as it could and it just feels,,,, meh for a lack of better word for it). that being said, considering you’ve been in a relationship for a long time and it’s your first and (i assume only? sexual partner) i can potentially see why its just been a case of contentment and not real fulfilment - especially, since it seems you haven’t really been communicating and taking each other’s feelings into consideration? well him more so than you.

Side point, he really shouldn’t be whining if you don’t want to have sex but as long as he’s not pressuring you into anything its fine - people tend to whine (i know i do sometimes too)

Okay so in terms of cumming, not everyone takes the same amount of time to cum. some really need lots of stimulation and stuff in order to really cum and others cum really quickly. its an individual thing - but you definitely seem like the former. That being said, just because you take longer to cum and the female anatomy is more complex (really its not t H A T hard) doesn’t mean he should give up - you work hard for him to make him cum and he should do the same for you. especially since you’ve been together for so long.

A lot of this seems that you’re actively trying more than he is (you’re not obligated to give him oral, especially if he doesn’t reciprocate and he definitely shouldn’t push it). In terms of anal, the human body is different from person to person and not everyone is wired the same. just because someone else enjoys anal doesn’t mean you will, and if it’s painful and you’re not enjoying it, perhaps it’s best to tell him to stop because you get nothing out of it. if he loves you, he’ll make the sacrifice even if he enjoys it (like you’ve been doing for him this entire time). If he’s cummed and he’s not actively wanting to make you cum - you need to call him out on it because it's not fair for him to orgasm and for you to work for it yourself. it’s downright selfish and bad sexual practices and more than anything its not okay and its not a healthy sex life.

I think my best advice right now is to actually talk and communicate with him. A good, healthy sexual relationship that satisfies both parties, can only and will only ever be possible through open communication. you’ve been together five years and you’ve said you’re happy with your relationship overall - which means that you’ve known each other long enough to openly communicate with each other about your likes/dislikes/things you want to try/how they can help. Thats the blanket one, but here are some things you can talk to him about:

In terms of making you cum - you know your body better than anyone else, so perhaps showing him what places are your erogenous zones may be an effective way. If you feel comfortable, sit in front of him and masturbate - show him what gets you off. Sometimes even have him participate - direct his hands to where you want him, tell him when something feels good, when something doesn’t feel so good. but communicate

Tell him that you always try for him and it’s upsetting and makes you feel unsatisfied when he doesn’t put in the same enthusiasm. in sexual relationships, there is compromise and sometimes you do things you don’t necessarily enjoy just as an act of love and care (one of my irls hated giving her boyfriend blowjobs but she used to do it because he enjoyed them and that's okay because she was willing to do it out of love. there were also things he compromised for her like how he never enjoyed wearing condoms because it didn’t feel as good but she didn’t want to go on birth control so he accepted it). There are clearly things you are willing to compromise on (anal) and so he should be doing the same for you

You’re both different people and have different sexual interests and what feels good for you. You should both put in effort to explore these together. Have an actual conversation with him - and if he doesn’t take your feelings, if he starts getting upset or offended, then that speaks more for him. but if he loves you, if he’s a good partner and boyfriend, he will actively listen to you and your feelings and try and understand them. without communication sex and relationships are nothing and you cannot be afraid to speak to him or not speak to him for fear of him reacting negatively.

also if he does reactively, maybe it’s worth considering if this relationship is worth going on with. sometimes people stay with each other because it’s all they know, because they’ve been together for a long time and they fear starting fresh. but that is not healthy. if something isn’t working, no matter how much time and effort you’ve put into it, it’s not worth staying and being unhappy and the best thing you can do is gather the courage to get up, leave and move on and find happiness somewhere else.

i think ? i’ve got most of my points across, but if there’s anything you need clarification on, please do feel free to message me again! but please remember my earlier disclaimer: i am in no way shape or form a professional and i have no qualifications in order to give you advice. these are just my thoughts/opinions/how i see things!!

anyway, i hope this helped! i’m so sorry it took so long to get back to you!

[thethirdwheel404]

Med Series Rewatch (#12)

S3 E12: Born This Way.

Episode description: Dr. Manning and Dr. Choi are faced with a tough decision.

Literally when are they not.

Okay, last episode ended with the first Ava/Connor kiss, so this episode should be a rollercoaster of emotions.

let’s get into it.

- okay, already we’re starting in connor’s apartment, so cue ava walking in bc they slept together?

- i think its hilarious that her casual clothing is.. a flannel. like lmao idk

- it is so unbelievably funny and stupid to have a one night stand with someone you work closely with. i mean come on

- never forget that dr. ava bekker has a fish tank

- this is exhausting. the tentative back and forth is so fucking exhausting

- another bit of evidence. ava is never not confident, and especially not to this extent, and she never follows connor’s lead. so, the fact that she is standing back and waiting for him to make the decision? stupid.

- it screams that she is having a moment of anxiety, which is why she isn’t up to make the decisions in the exchange.

-to be clear: what i’m claiming here is that the only reason ava actually got with connor was bc she was having a moment of anxiety because he was the only person she had built a relationship with after living in this city for six months.

- when connor says that he has plans you can see her fold in on herself. this stems from a place of anxiety

- remember when they did surgery on the panda? that’s when the show peaked

- ava in her lab coat will never not get me. especially with the gloves, running towards a patient (very hot)

- connor still looks kinda looks like a mess but ava is immaculate here like what dude out of your league

- ava asking the family questions (ik this is standard doctor stuff but showing worry, interest, all that jazz)

- okay, see here! here! ava calls connor out, saying that his procedure is too invasive. before, ava’s procedures where invasive, which everyone used as evidence to her being super cold, but now, we see that she purely does what she deems best for the patient at hand

- also, once again, the concern ava feels. you can hear it in her voice. we forget this part of her way too often

- the smile on ava’s face when she gives the family good news. god wept

- and then more concern when connor tells her they need to put him on ecmo

- the reason that ava is frustrated that connor didn’t go with her decision for their patient care is because she truly believes that if they don’t go with her treatment, he will die. don’t make it anything different. don’t argue she’s frustrated because he’s not listening to her. don’t make it anything about their relationship. she puts their patients care first and foremost

- there’s a stark shift in her demeanor when in the room with the parents vs. her alone with connor. in the room, you can see she’s stewing. she’s sucking on her teeth, she’s holding her emotions. she has control, she’s a professional. out of the room, she has full reign to be as mad with connor as she wants, which she does.

-AVA RAN INTO THE ROOM AGAIN WITH THE LAB COAT AND GLOVES AND IDK IT JUST HAS ME FEELING SOME KINDA WAY

- the way ava acknowledges everyone in the room (the nurse just informed them that the drug was running, ava nodded. just a little thing but yk)

- ava shaking her head at this sad, sad man (connor, who is floundering for a solution and misplacing his anger)

- their entire relationship is misplaced anger

- the fact that the last shot of the scene has connor in the foreground looking over the bed and ava watching from the door but ava is the one in focus - some cool cinematography points

- IS THIS THE EPISODE WHERE MAGGIE GOES TO JAIL

- med really went all over the place

- JUST THE AMOUNT OF CONCERN ON AVA’S FACE. im gonna say it again. look me in the eyes and tell this women is a psychopath. the med writers are fucking insane

- and when the parents ask ava if she disagreed with connor’s treatment decision, she has every opportunity (and right, frankly) to throw him under the bus and undermine him. but still, she says “it’s a complicated situation.” like. she never ever makes it personal, or loses her head. especially not to a patient. and she doesn’t have to defend connor. he’s made a lot of mistakes, and taken it out on her a bunch of times. yet she’s still nice to him, when he’s not even in the room

- it’s insane

- this is also the legendary scene where she comforts the family. there’s not a lot that i haven’t already said. this is the scene that most exemplifies ava’s humanity, the way she seems to feel, at least residually, what these parents are going through (since she obviously hasn’t gone through anything like this herself [unless.]). the way she kneels down, and gets on the family’s personal level.

- I... okay listen. I absolutely HATE the parallel they pull her between the line “I believe whenever you do something out of love, it can never really be wrong” and connor. especially because they show him when she says that line. and yeah, there’s obviously a connection that can be drawn between the meaning of that line and her sociopathic behavior in s4 and s5.

- it honestly feels like when writing s4, the writers hit so much of a wall they just googled the most ‘iconic’ ava moments and thought ‘how can i use these in the worst way possible?’ That’s honestly probably what they did (ava’s first interaction with connor - ‘you better watch yourself,’ this moment). There is no nuance to her character in s4. it is astoundingly terrible.

- lets move on

- THE WAY CONNOR LOOKS AT AVA HER MAKES ME FUCKING SCARED. HE HAS NO EMOTION ON HIS FACE. I know that we’ve been screen capping ava throughout this series but can someone find pictures of connor looking at ava bc, i need yall to remember how weird he looks

- like, no shade to connor, but just the emotion is undecipherable, but it is in no way a good one

- ava getting concerned (and looking slightly embarrassed) when she sees connor watching her by the door. obviously yeah she’s gonna feel weird you just caught her in a very uncharacteristic moment, outwardly expressing comfort. fucking back off

- i am so fucking protective of her and i demand he no longer look at her. it’s banned

- sam abrams looking at sarah’s dad’s head ct and asking if he’s a criminal. oh boy 

- from a writer’s perspective, the storyline with sarah’s dad is actually pretty good

- ava ran into the room with gloves and lab coat again, if anybody wanted to know

- for the record, want it to be noted, ava was the one who realized that it was an issue with the machine again, so you could say she fixed connor’s mistake, again. so.

- connor making a big deal about handing the reins over to ava (if he really was selfless he wouldn’t have made a whole big thing, he still has an enormous hero complex)

- handing off control was very hard for him. boo hoo get some fucking humility I think they sell it at walgreens

- sarah fucking walking across the ed like she’s going to war. dramatic

- med really said pedophiles deserve rights with this ep huh

- anyway

- the way ava smiles

- the way she smiles when she turns him down. CAN WE TALK ABOUT THAT? SHE TURNED HIM DOWN. in the aspect of the story i cannot remember why she turned him down, but hey, i’m happy

- and it only further proves my story that the hook up came from a place of anxiety, and this is her realizing how silly that decision was. and her smiling was her laughing at herself for making such a stupid decision

- ALSO. LET’S TALK ABOUT THE FACT THAT THIS DECISION, THE DECISION TO TURN HIM DOWN, HAPPENED IN THE SAME EPISODE WHERE SHE SAID ‘IF YOU DO SOMETHING FOR LOVE, IT’S NEVER REALLY WRONG’

- like she literally says ‘last night was a mistake.’

- honestly, it’s fucking hilarious. connor deserves nothing

- and the confusion on his face when she walks away. hilarious

- if you wanted to take this the reesker route you could argue that the idea of ‘a decision of love’ was ava coming to terms with her slight little crush, though i don’t know how clean it would be if you argue that she panicked and told herself those were feelings meant for connor. idk, i’ll have to think about it further

- watching sarah let herself be betrayed by both herself and the people around in the story surrounding her dad will never not be hard to watch

This was a very good episode, character wise, for all the reasons stated above. It just hammers home the point of how strong a character Ava was. Key word, of course, being ‘was’. My conclusion over the last two episodes is that this specific sexual encounter with Connor was born out of a moment of anxiety from Ava. I suggest that over that last few weeks or days she has been experiencing some amount of anxiety out of having been living in Chicago for six months and only having one interpersonal relationship. So, that idea kind of built where she told herself the reason she only had one relationship was because she was in love with him. Then. after going through the story with this kid and comforting his parents, she realizes that she never actually loved Connor and maybe has a thing for someone else. I’m glad that I keep coming up with more ideas for this character, I was afraid the initial theory was somewhat of a one-off, but this only proves the idea of the complexity to Ava’s character.

I’m sure it’ll get worse from here, though.

as always, thanks for sticking through

-

read the rest here:

Part 1 / Part 2 / Part 3 / Part 4 / Part 5 / Part 6 / Part 7 / Part 8 / Part 9 / Part 10 / Extra

[piamii]

Taking a mental health day from work today but was really conflicted about how to word it.

Last year I took a few mental health days but there were 6 of us so maybe it was less conspicuous

It’s only me this year and I for some reason keep feeling this push pull with my supervisor to be close and honest with her

Last night I was feeling ok about work. But after once again not sleeping properly I feel like somethings up with me

I’m feeling all the ways I used to feel about my mental health

Being small is not okay, it’s not okay to let go, I’m responsible for all of my clients progress and safety

Which is true in a way but

I also have beeen thinking about the difference between me and my supervisor

She’s the only person I see on a regular basis. Like I see her 4 times a week

So I don’t know how to be myself, a postdoc

I keep comparing myself to her

I wondered to myself would anyone else take a mental health day in my position?

Who cares, others aren’t me

It’s like I forgot I’m extremely sensitive and have been sobbing every day and not sleeping well at all during the weekdays

My nutrition and hydration and shit has been ok, so I’m not getting sick which is the weird part

Im so incredibly emotionally constipated

There are so many incredibly destructive thoughts in my head right now that haven’t been addressed

Things have just gotten increasingly harder for a long time now and I can’t tell where adjustment starts and my dysfunctional mental state ends

Is it really ok for me to say work is too much?

Does it make me pathetic?

Didn’t I feel this way in all previous years too?

2nd year, it wasn’t like this but at least I was more honest with myself about how anxious and nervous I was about work. I definitely took it easy and complained more often. I slept poorly frequently on clinical days and would feel really angry about it. I don’t think I got sick more than once that year

3rd year i wasn’t sleeping quite as poorly but still had sleep problems, hated my commute. That was the year I kind of had to start blocking people out of my life, like not completely but was so down and exhausted that I couldn’t function socially outside of work and school. I didn’t get sick much tho. Definitely noticed SAD symptoms starting this year but to be honest felt somewhat depressed on and off through early winter until spring which is I guess the colder darker months in OR. I think I had some SI but it was towards the end of winter

4th year was when I had more somatic issues. My sleep was honestly not bad that year comparatively speaking but when m and I broke up during internship application season I had a bunch of health issues that resolved shortly after my interviews ended. Tbh internship interviews were a nice reprieve from the dark slump that probably would have hit me if I had just done school in the winter. I had my first sinus infection in spring and went to see Slushii anyways Hahahha.

Internship year... I had a sinus infection too and got a cold maybe 2 other times. Last year was the most I’ve ever gotten sick. I took a mental health day maybe like 3 times and actually used sick days too. I want to say this was the hardest year for me mental health wise until this year in terms of symptoms but the best in terms of self care. By like April/May I was feeling really good about life. Maybe it’s the weather here too idk

This year feels so much harder than the other years combined. I’ve used one sick day and two mental health days and I’m having a hard time understanding where I’m at mental health wise in conjunction with who I need to be to do well at work. It feels like I’m growing at an unmanageable pace. I’ve had the most frequent SI I’ve ever had in my life which is somewhat alarming to me. I’m safe don’t worry but I’m just saying the thoughts coming into my head. My sleep is getting reallynfucked up over these last 2 weeks. I sleep like a baby on the weekends which makes me feel like it’s stress related. On one hand I’m acclimating to this insane amount of stress and on the other hand it feels like every day I’m being stretched open and carved out.

I’m not even ruminating that much before bed anymore. Like I’m not actively distressed like I used to be when things hit me hard last year. I’m just constantly unhappy and anxious this year which I feel like is my lot in life right now. My self care has gotten much better last year and this year, but this year it’s been harder to find ways to relax. Things went downhill really fast, when the seasons finally changed here and I started seeing 4 of my clients in the field. I am most definitely consistently working over 40 hrs a week now. I tried really hard last year to work less whenever I could and honestly the agency was pretty good about giving us a reasonable workload. But now it feels like I’m meeting the real world, where work just comes at you and never says sorry. You had to do extra and stay longer this week? Sucks for you. You have to completely uproot your already untenable schedule because one of your clients has really a really complex risk presentation? Welp that’s the price of doing this work.

Like when I was told the weeks here typically don’t go past 40 hrs I feel like I was lied to. I feel alone and singled out bc I’m the only postdoc this year. I want to know how C felt 2 years ago. If there were 2 of us I feel like I’d be having an okay time. Can you fucking believe they had a hard time building to full caseload last year? It cannot be just me in this position. I want to give up every day.

I don’t feel protected I don’t feel like I can ever let my guard down. There is no one I talk to regularly that I can be honest with. I don’t have the energy to relay this information to the people I do talk to regularly which at this point is my supervisor and M. And like hell im going to tell my supervisor this stuff.

Is this the real world?

Something tells me it is, but I have to find a way through it somehow

I’m still debating about this one client. She’s on my mind a lot and I’m scared which is probably a parallel experience to what her family is experiencing.

The fuck you mean our ethical duty? What am I supposed to take away from that convo? I know I have my own voice and opinion but that made me feel really bad for not doing exactly as you said. I know I tend towards the anxious paranoid side of things but that really scared me because instilll can’t think straight about this client and I sure as hell cant go to you.

The relationship between e and I has changed too, I think she’s overwhelmed too

Something that keeps popping up over and over again is- how fucking awful it would be for a client to complete suicide

I know it happens and it’s time I face that this could happen

It’s a terrifying thought and I almost don’t want to tell anyone that I’m having it

It feels shameful and dangerous to think about, because if I can’t handle it who could?

Who can contain this for me and tell me it’s okay? I don’t want to fucking hear that I should do more

It’s a complex mess of emotions inside my head. I understand why I would need to do more in this situation but there’s no room for it. I want help in trying to balance but my schedule is already unbalanced and bringing me into a dark place emotionally.

What if because I took today off no one sees my hospital patients all week?

Friday is going to suck ass if that’s the case

I could ask my supervisor directly to see them

But I want to be small today

And that would take a lot from me

How does the psychology service work at the hospital during Xmas break?

Uhhhh....

Shit.

I’m scared for some stupid reason that someone will make me stay during break or I’ll have to work some crazy stupid long hours on Friday

I hate ongoing patients bc they still need to be seen but it’s kind of your choice whether or not to see them

It’s like adding an automatic to do to the list every time I’m there but the task takes 2 hrs at least

I’m always scared I have to stay late at the hospital, luckily the latest has been 6:30 but I’m terrified every time I go in that it’s going to be longer

This is new for me and it’s ok to get freaked out

To not have a clear idea how much I am going to work each day and each week really puts me off

I feel pathetic because aren’t there a lot of jobs that are unpredictable like that? Especially once you become salaried ?

My stomach is starting to hurt

It’s weird because I haven’t gotten any somatic symptoms this year but I’ve also been sobbing my eyes out every day so maybe that’s why my body is feeling okay. I haven’t really cried the last few days because I’m just very tired of crying at this point, so maybe that’s why my stomach has been hurting a bit more

Every time m says something nice to me, hell anytime anyone says something nice to me I start to cry and I’m just so fucking done with crying and feeling out of control just to have nothing change and things even get harder at work

Fuck!!!!!

I haven’t properly dealt with this terrified feeling

I have to tell myself this feeling is informative but separate from reality

I’m so fucking scared.

[gay-trans-lgbt-advice]

I do hope I’m not bothering you but Im in a situation and I can’t talk to anyone irl about haha so I’ve never really had feeling for anyone but Id say I’m gay? boys are pleasing to look at and I’ve had crushes on fictional boys but like the idea of being with a boy in anyway makes me feel gross and the idea of a girl does not make me feel gross but I’ve never liked a girl idk ig I just wanna feel valid haha that’s lame also I don’t think I want to give up the possibility of ever being with boy

I’m sorry I’m sending another thing,,,,,, but I’d hate to label myself one thing and then be another and I wish I could talk to my bestie about this bc they’re a part of the LGBT+ community but I don’t think they’d take me seriously and like what is I’m just trying to be different or quirk but like I cannot be with a guy but also what if I’m just straight and rlly picky? But also being with a girl doesn’t make me feel SiCk ugh I’m so sorry I hate to be that person but I am ConFusEd

Don’t apologize!!! You are most definitely not bothering me in the slightest, I love answering asks and giving advice! Even the difficult ones! Which, honestly, this isn’t one of them. Yeah sometimes I go on accidental hiatus’ from answering asks like the one I’m just ending now, but that doesn’t mean the asks bother me. Really I just feel a little bad for letting them sit there, but you do what you gotta do.

Anyway

You’re definitely experiencing comp het, or compulsory heterosexuality. I want you to know that attraction doesn’t make you feel sick, or uncomfortable, or gross. Girls who are actually straight / actually like men, even the ones who are picky, don’t feel that way.

You not wanting to give up the possibility of ever being with a boy despite how terrible they make you feel, is comp het. And fear. Thinking “what if I’m just trying to be different or quirky and im actually just straight?” is comp het. You doubting yourself so much despite the evidence is comp het, and fear.

ALSO! I definitely understand not wanting to label yourself as one thing and then later have to switch, I too used to have this fear but guess what!! I’m only 19 years old and in the past six years I have changed my identity and re-come out… four or five times maybe? And thats not even counting the billion micro-identities I only told one person about or the times I switched between butch and femme. 

Don’t be afraid of that. What I’ve done isn’t the most common, but it can happen. And it really isn’t that scary in the end.The goal is to be comfortable and happy, and sometimes that eventually means changing labels, but they’re just words. Just don’t put so much pressure on yourself to pick a label that will stick for the rest of your long life. Pick the one that fits you right now. Let future you worry about future you.

And why do you think your friend wouldn’t take you seriously? I think they probably would. If you trust them, and you need help, you should talk to them about this in private. It could really help. Of course, you’re always welcome to send more asks here as well!

Anyway. Not to tell you who you are, but you don’t like men. See the first two paragraphs after the ‘anyway’ for my evidence. You could be gay, or asexual. Idk.

Best of luck figuring it out! You got this!

[fleabad-blog]

RULES : TAG FOLLOWERS YOU WANT TO KNOW BETTER !

TAGGED BY: @chromoluminous 💕 TAGGING:  whomstever WANTS TO

NAME:  bobby STAR SIGN:  taurus...i dont know any more than that HEIGHT:  idk but short like maybe 5′5?? WHAT’S YOUR MIDDLE NAME?  u must be a level 10 friend to unlock my 2 middle names PUT YOUR SPOTIFY ON SHUFFLE. WHAT ARE THE FIRST 6 SONGS THAT POPPED UP?

the wire, haim

don’t talk (put your head on my shoulder), the beach boys

are you here?, the presets

breakfast in america, supertramp

le perv, carpenter brut

pistol grip pump, rage against the machine

EVER HAD A POEM OR SONG WRITTEN ABOUT YOU?  not as far as i know but someone did burn an mp3 of muse’s cover of can’t take my eyes off you and give it to me as a valentimes present so WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU PLAYED AIR GUITAR?  i honestly dont think i have ever done this WHO IS YOUR CELEBRITY CRUSH?  right now embarrassingly its scoot mcnairy, still going strong! the man WELDS WHAT’S A SOUND YOU HATE; SOUND YOU LOVE?  anything to do with polystyrene or any of that shit..i do not cotton to that! sounds i LOVE .. i shall be gay and lame and say when its raining outside and ur warm in ur room that specific sound..... DO YOU BELIEVE IN GHOSTS?  no but i get scared by them anyway which is the worst of both worlds HOW ABOUT ALIENS?  absolutely! DO YOU DRIVE?  no and i will learn but just NOT RIGHT NOW IF SO, HAVE YOU EVER CRASHED?  no but i have been hit by a car as a pedestrian! it sucked! WHAT WAS THE LAST BOOK YOU READ?  this is so embarrassing because i’m currently doing a masters in creative writing but like...i dont fucking know...the last thing i read on my kindle was the original fleabag script but that was like LAST YEAR, i think the last book i actually read all the way through was a german book from the 1600s for my BA called (short title) Courasche which was about this lady who got revenge on this jackass for being mean to her and told her raunchy and debauched life story, courasche is my hero and i will die for her, there’s a great english translation avail on amazon! i wrote an essay on it about the presentation of femininity DO YOU LIKE THE SMELL OF GASOLINE?  no it makes me want to vom WHAT WAS THE LAST MOVIE YOU SAW?  oh god. oh my god. it was fifty shades freed. i watched all 3 of them in the last day and i dont know what to say i feel terrible about it they were terrible movies and i wish i could take it all back but i just wanted to watch a jenny nicholson video about them and understand better WHAT’S THE WORST INJURY YOU’VE EVER HAD?  i broke my ankle last summer which SUCKED and was the most painful thing ive ever experienced! i also broke my wrist in austria and had to deal with all of that but In German which is where i discovered they dont have a different word for fracture vs break in german! funnily enough neither of these breakages occurred when i was hit by a car where i actually did more damage to the car than it did to me DO YOU HAVE ANY OBSESSIONS RIGHT NOW?  obsessed with the 2018 shitshow of a movie Rideshare, the worst film i have ever seen, i cannot stop thinking about it DO YOU TEND TO HOLD GRUDGES AGAINST PEOPLE WHO HAVE DONE YOU WRONG?yes and it will take effort i dont have to wipe those grudges out so they are staying IN A RELATIONSHIP?  im in a relationship with when cary elwes from the movie saw 3d says “i dont think so” and throws the saw from the movie saw at the camera and it goes 3d becuase this was the one that was in 3d. im in a relationship with that

[purge-that-urge-rhackathon]

LET ME LOVE YOU!! ♡ ♡ XOXO

ヽ(；▽；)ノ First off, I just wanna SUPER thank from the bottom of my heart YET AGAIN for the kofis and all that good shit T_T A small handful of ya’ll paid for literally half my root canal, i want you to know, and that makes the overall burden so much smaller and like gives me the wiggle room to ‘make this work’ so to speak, like, the ultimate despair in trying to get my debt and life under control wasn’t for naught and i can work with this and just THANK YOU. You’ve given me financial relief AND actual hope over getting my life in order even with an emergency like this bullshit, and that wouldn’t be possible without you guys and I’m so so grateful and I know I keep just repeating the same words but i really wanna get home how much genuine gratitude i have, thank you SO much. You guys have got the biggest, most generous hearts and just HOLY FUCK (especially the morning of the procedure btw... you know who you are and what you did <3<3).

I was able to get the cash discount for the root canal too! It ultimately put the money back in my pocket to actually pay them with, and directly because of you guys, the crown I need afterwards isn’t going to fuck me now with the overall expenses reduced because of that discount (again, directly because of you; i wasn’t able to do that without) and like, I can manage all of this now if I’m really really careful financially, which like i was ready to throw the towel in before on life at this point, so thank you AGAIN you don’t know how far beyond just like a bill payment this is. It’s actually having a positive snowball effect on my overall life like this is HUGE so thank you (ˊ̥̥̥̥̥ ³ ˋ̥̥̥̥̥) ♡

^me on my way after procedure to action-hug the FUCK out of you sweethearts xD

AAAAND the update on the actual procedure itself is under the cut (i dont think im graphic but if you dont like needles maybe dont read haha). They couldn’t get me numb, so i’m going back monday morning x_x

So I only got ‘half’ the root canal done yesterday. She reached the maximum amount of anesthetic she’d give me and still could NOT get me numb. The worst part isn’t the crying in the chair from the panic attack from the intense pain, or even the pain itself, but the fact that I think she thinks that this is all anxiety-related (i disclosed my panic disorder and how nervous i was over the procedure within my forms, and during it she asked several times ‘oh did it scare you?’ cuz you know... vibrations and stuff, which can be scary, and i was like NO i can FEEL the drill on the fucking PULP CHAMBER i am in PAIN) and i think she thinks everything is me being scared due to my panic disorder? Which is stupid because i actually like shots (i know weird af hahaha) and im not scared of the drill (i was actually hella excited to get the root canal if only because it would mean an end to the very-real pain i’m in). My anxiety over this is also founded in very-real concern of the fact that my own dentist could not get this tooth numb before, and she couldn’t either.

So i go back monday morning, i am TERRIFIED she won’t be able to get me numb again and/or will try to drill me ‘fast’ because we had a window of like 2 minutes before it wore off on me and im scared to death about going back i’ve been having panic attacks since yesterday over it. Like, you know how you lay back in the dentist’s chair when they’re working, right? well i had a KNEE up at one point, an arm out to try and signal and get her attention, and i jerked hard three times before she finally let up (like REALLY? are you gonna keep drilling when the patient is clearly in distress??) SOooo i have some serious trepidation about going back, and my dad is gonna take me back next time and drive me, and i’m just terrified they aren’t going to take me seriously and like i feel i NEVER should have disclosed my panic disorder to them because now they think im over reacting or some shit when this is founded in the pain of feeling everything.

So. That really sucks. I called my dentist and cried over the phone about it too, so hopefully they’ll talk idk. The endodontist prescribed halcion and a valium for the night before (wtf this is NOT anxiety related, its anesthetic-immunity related) so i also called their office to say HEY im not anxious, this is pain-related, i CANNOT get numb.

So like, i’ll keep everyone updated on the horror show of fuckery that is my mouth T_T i’m not even done with my antibiotics yet and she said i had what they called a ‘hot tooth’ >:| like YEAH my entire fucking jaw and face and everything is in PAIN. This is some 7th cranial nerve shit I felt every shot after being ‘numbed’. She was able to break through the enamel to get to the pulp chamber and inject anesthetic directly into the tooth (THAT hurt like a goddamn bitch and didn’t numb either) and then inject medicine into the tooth (that supposedly dissolves flesh/pulp? idk i dont fully recall, i was in the grips of a panic attack as she was telling me) and put a temporary filling in so like, i am PRAYING it goes fine on monday. If she reaches the max dose again and can’t get me numb then im just gonna go to fucking pieces again. *knock on wood* let’s hope it doesnt happen.

The crappiest thing about this is, this is not my first root canal, and every other time it’s been pleasant and not at all an awful experience and just fine, and thinking about that too i kind of cry again because i have to go back and subject myself to the pain again and let me tell you, when you’re hurt somewhere that you can’t touch-- like hitting your pinky toe on an edge or hitting your funny bone, like that HURTS but you can still touch it if you want- but with this, all you can do is shake because the pain is so bad you’ve never experienced such an unbearable feeling before and you can’t even cry its so intense. So yeah, i’m not looking forward to that again, and the thrashing around i did in the chair was BEYOND minimal for what i was experiencing (because i have a very high pain tolerance and im also trying to be a ‘good’ patient’) soooo Pray. For. Mojo.

[zenyattasperceptrons]

one thing i struggle with a lot is like, the difference between opening up to others and burdening others? and... i do think some of it lies simply in.. frequency, and having a balance in that relationship (i mean unless you’re talking to a therapist or something then go wild) but i do think theres a tone to that conversation too?

idk i used to do it to myself, where i would be like “ugh im really sad about this thing” and then think about how sad i was about that BUT THEN ALSO how sad i am about THIS OTHER THING and THIS ONE and THIS ONE AND AND AND

and just pile shit on! over and over! and that’s... it’s ... weirdly satisfying in a way, because i think depression brain has this itch to feel miserable that i can’t really...explain that well (obviously i dont mean to say people Want to feel miserable! but uh, it can kind of, in some ways, be an improvement over feeling like. like nothing?) and it took me a good long while to just... notice im doing that and go ‘nope, uh uh,’ and yank myself out of it. and it was not a comfortable thing to do. but i dont really do that anymore! I developed different habits and don’t pile shit on like that! which is nice! in its own way

so i think you can... do that when you’re talking to friends. it turns into a dumping spiral and you just pile more and more on and you feel way worse for doing it and your friend probably feels. a little hopeless for not being able to do anything about it (because they cannot. they literally do not have the ability to do anything about that spiral)

and thats. eh. that’s not super great. that’s not even something you’re supposed to do to a therapist though obviously it’s not like, morally wrong, it’s just...not the right path to go down if you would like to handle feelings better.

the other way to do it feels more like... god it, takes a whole lot of like... knowing yourself? and realizing what it is youre upset about or even that you’re just feeling sad and aren’t actually upset about anything in particular (VERY HARD TO TELL THESE APART)

but i. the successful thing i had with this recently is i just. i realized i was upset about something but wasn’t really...equipped to deal with it at the moment. so i compartmentalized that away and BOY i felt super dissociated for the rest of the day! which was! sure an interesting thing to connect like, wow, denying your emotions actually has consequences and That’s Where That Feeling Comes From (this sounds sarcastic but that was legit the first time i put those two things together)

but i came home and i sort of, talked to myself about it? and went “Hey here’s what upset us, what about that was upsetting” and figured it out and wrote some stuff down and after a few paragraphs kinda, got down into it and went “oh okay, that’s why that feels so bad” and accepted that and cried about it and told myself “yeah that’s fucking rough, you’re right to be upset about it, though i do understand also why you might feel guilty for being upset, or guilty for your reaction. those are also reasonable things to feel even if I don’t think you are Obligated to feel them” and i

i didn’t feel Good afterwards, but i felt much more...genuinely sad? which is. hard to describe. but. like theres Depression Sad which is just kinda this slime that sticks on you everywhere and drags you down and just kinda sucks. But then Genuine, Honest Sad is. Like that thing you try to do by watching a sad movie? It’s this chilly bucket of cold water and like man it doesn’t feel Good or Happy by any means but like, you know for a fact that you’re gonna dry off and warm up again. You know you’re experiencing this now and not trying to pretend like you’re not and in a little bit it’s gonna go away and you’ll probably feel less slimy then, too, cause that icewater washed some of it off,

so i think that’s! the tone you can take with friends too? instead of dumping just. “i felt this and it really sucked” and they agree with you that it sucked and you have a cry about it and afterwards you say “thank you for talking to me about this i think i’m gonna be okay” (assuming, of course, that your friend is good at Listening and Support Words, which are difficult skills to pick up as well)

which. mm. i dont think conversations are always gonna go that way. i think sometimes you process something, or even get halfway through it and suddenly go “no no i can’t handle this right now” and that’s...fine too. that’s Morally Okay and simply a part of the process.

But... that’s kind of the ideal of the conversation. And I think keeping that in mind is a good template for when you want to Share A Feel but are worried about burdening someone.

(And also keep in mind it can feel really good for the other person to to have their friend trust them enough to talk to them about this kind of stuff. It brings people closer together and even if it’s a little bit uncomfortable at first, I think it feels really nice afterwards.)